#but this also makes me think of someone else that I'm talking to

[kaelidascope]

On one hand, I'm relieved to see that it isn't just me suffering in the engagement department whereas I used to get flooded with comments and the like every time I dropped something. It isn't the only reason why I've moved from fanfic work to original work, but it is part of it. The last round of engagement on the latest MM chapter was abysmal, and while I know it's not a reflection of my quality in writing, I kept beating myself up over the possibility that I took too long to update it and people gave up on it/forgot/fell out of love with my work because I as a creator was not performing good enough. It drove me into a bit of a depression for a while.

On the other hand, this is making me rethink my stance on never telling my favorite authors how much they have inspired me to take off with my writing career. This is going to get a little lengthy but I want to talk about it so bear with me here.

Closed circles know how much of an insane, unhinged fan I am of certain writers, yet I have never actually said a word to them. I think I left one comment on maybe two fics that went unanswered (which is fine. They're not active in the fandoms I'm in anymore and I'm just some guy out of probably hundreds all saying the same thing. They're not gonna reply to me) but apart from that, you wouldn't catch me dead actually admitting how much the works mean to me. But why?

I guess I was far too proud and too terrified of being let down if I exposed myself like that. Despite the fact that these authors were literal catalysts for borderline impossible feats I have done within the last year, WELL RECEIVED FEATS at that, I swore I'd never tell anyone how inspiring they were for me. (Unless a casual friendship has been established. I have had the tremendous honor to able to talk to some of my inspirations one on one but under incredibly lucky circumstances)

I had a scenario in my head that these were the cool kids, and if you ever got picked on at all for admiring anything, you know damn well you never tell the cool kids about your admiration. I was afraid that they'd take one look at the work that was inspired by theirs and laugh at it in their enclosed circles. I wasn't going to risk having my confidence crushed and lose the motivation to continue working on my projects by being a fan.

I know not all authors do this. Every time someone comes to me and tells me I've inspired them to be a better writer, I literally frame it in a collection of screenshots I have saved on a hard drive. Every. Single. Time. And I know anyone else would tell me that if the person I admire would actually be cruel enough to mock an up and coming writer, then they're not worth admiring. Which I agree with! But try telling that to sensitive little Kaeli that safeguards their interests with the fiery defensiveness of a feral bear on cocaine.

But then I see posts like this, and I put myself in their shoes. I don't know them. They could be a jackass but they could also be like me - someone who bases a lot of motivation for project completion based off of whether or not people even care to see it completed.

This is all a very long, round about away to say that who cares if the author you build a mini-shrine for in your brain thinks your cringe for liking their work? Odds are they probably need to hear that you liked it so much, it inspired you to do something with that feeling. We all need to hear it. They inspired you and now you're making something that will inspire someone else. To be a creator is to share that passion everywhere you go. There's nothing cringe about it.

A writer friend told me something that broke my heart a little bit today; they're going to quit publishing their fanfic.

My instant thought was that they had been trolled or attacked or that something terrible had happened in their life because this person is so passionate about their writing. It wasn't any of that. Engagement with their works has been going down, as it has for many of us. Comments are like gold dust a lot of the time, and just looking through the historical comment counts on old fics on ao3 demonstrates this trend very clearly. It was not simply the comments dropping off which caused them to decide to stop posting, however.

My friend came across a discord server for their fandom (I should point out here that their fandom interest and mine diverged a couple of years ago, we stay in touch but don't currently read each other's posts because I'm not into their fandom and they would rather gouge their eyes out with a wooden spoon than read anything Star Wars) and specifically to share fic in that fandom. They joined, because we all love a good fic rec, only to discover that their latest multichapter fic, which has almost no comments and very few kudos, is being hotly discussed in this server as one of the best stories ever. Not one of these people has bothered to say this to them on the fic. When they asked, none of participants could see the point in telling the author of the fic they apparently loved so much that they love it.

This discovery has absolutely destroyed my friend's love of sharing fic. They share because they love seeing other people's enjoyment, and fic writers do that through comments and kudos/reblogs/likes because we don't get paid. There is no literary critic writing a blog post/article about how amazing the story is for us to copy and keep/frame. There is no money from royalties. All we have are the words of the people reading our works.

Those people on that server could have taken five minutes of the time they spent gushing about how amazing my friend's story was to other people and used it to tell the one person guaranteed to want to hear that praise how much they loved it. They could have taken a moment to express their opinion to the person who spent hours upon hours plotting, writing, editing, and posting those chapters. Instead, they deprived my friend of thing that keeps them sharing their writing, and in the process have killed their love of it. My friend now feels used and unmotivated.

I won't be sharing a link to their fic, they said I could share their experience but not their identity. I know they plan to post one final chapter. I know they intend to express their hurt at being excluded from the praise for the thing they created, and I know they intend to announce that as a consequence they will not be posting for a long while, if at all.

So please, I beg you, don't hide your love of a story from the writer. It's just about the only thing we have.

[inbabylontheywept]

Hi there! I just read through a few of your long form posts -- the one about the boss and the glue traps and the lizards, the one about the friend and the radishes and the cop, and the one about the breakup and the car and the neighbor's car and your dad -- and I'm just really blown away by your writing. And I'm just curious, are they actual experiences or are they fiction? They read like actual experiences, and the writing is so naturalistic and...idk, low key sweet, stream of consciousness without the major sidetracking that often happens in stream of consciousness writing and also more...more poetical in a way, I guess. I don't know. Are you published or wanting to? I mean I couldn't help with that or anything but if you've got a book out I'd love to read it.

Patrick McManus was kind of THE legendary writer to my family. When my dad was a kid, he'd sit on the porch the door that the monthly copy of Outdoor Life was going to arrive, and as soon as he got it, he'd run in with it and take it to his dad, who would gather all his kids around and read the stories out loud.

My dad loved it because his dad would make a whole performance out of the readings: He'd do voices, pantomimes, dramatic sound effects, the works. The stories are amazing, but the out-of-character behavior from his dad was half the selling point. Grandpa Hank was, to his core, a good man. But he was gruff, and socially, pretty stiff, and he didn't often show emotion. I think my dad said he saw him tear up one time growing up, and it was when he got dropped off at the MTC. My mom was married to my dad for three years before Grandpa Hank was comfortable enough to sit down in their house, and he liked her. That's just how he was.

(You just praised me for not getting sidetracked, but I'm letting myself wander down those memories a bit. He died last year. I miss him terribly.)

Anyway: Those stories were how I first started learning how to spin a yarn. I got older and I got more influence than just cowboys and Westerns, but the soul of my style is still just The American Tall Tale.

Which is to say that they're not outright fabrications. When I say that I cut all the worms up in my backyard and had a panic attack and hid in a tree until my mom got me, that happened. But I only remember the vaguest outlines of the words that were said. When there's a line in that story about my mom telling me that she's sure the worms will forgive me because they got six hearts to love and no bones to pick, that's not how she talks. That's how I talk.

Other stories, they're far less fuzzy than that, but I can still point out things I don't know. Wrestling story was from middle school, and a lot of those "crisp details" are just me painting by vibe. I've had some people that did wrestling through highschool point out things like refs not actually counting to three, or how double-legs are not actually super effective for tall wrestlers. I don't actually know how much the woman I wrestled weighed, nor do I remember how much I weighed, except that I was more than two weight classes smaller than her. Car incident, I got broke up with, went to her parents door, waited on the lawn, and was given some olives to go with a wireless phone. But exact wording of a lot of the people involved fails me. As a rule, the weirder an event is, the more likely I am to be distinctly remembering it and not just filling in the background. Except for dialogue, which often turns out weird because when I have to make up things for other characters to say, it carries too much of my own speaking style in it, and that's always been weird.

There are even points where things do come right off the rails. In the stories about J post, J himself became a sort of mythic figure after he moved, and lot of the stories about him, I don't even know I'm remembering them first hand or second hand from a story someone else shared with me.

I know it would be easier to just go, yeah, they're true, or no, they're not, but I did a weird thing and mixed them up and now even I'm a little confused.

Regarding publishing: I'm not published, and the thought of trying to get published scares the shit out of me. I

I don't know. If anyone has advice, I'd be interested.

[ghouljams]

hi ghoul! how do you and mr. ghoul deal with jealousy?

Honestly it hasn't come up.

I think jealousy is usually due to insecurity in a relationship and I'm very secure in my relationship to Mr. Ghoul. He's never given me any reason to be jealous of him, or any indication that he isn't 100% in this relationship, so I don't get jealous.

That's not to say there aren't moments when I think someone else might get jealous, but here's the trick: he points out hot people so I can also oogle. Mr. Ghoul and I both like ass so we point out when we see a good one and it's sort of become a joke going "aw man I saw a fat ass earlier and it made me think of you." Which probably isn't what everyone should be doing, but honestly if you trust your partner and your partner trusts you then there's no reason to be jealous.

Hell! One of my guy friends took me on a date that I didn't realize was a date and Mr. Ghoul LAUGHED AT ME. He cares more about the fact that I was deeply uncomfortable when I found out and that I'm not comfortable or feeling safe around that friend anymore. He didn't get jealous because he trusts that I'm not interested in or looking for anyone else.

If you find yourself getting jealous(or find your partner getting jealous) then you should ask yourself why? If your jealousy stems from a fear that your partner might leave you, ask yourself why you think that. Is there something they're doing, or not doing, that makes you feel like they don't care? Or are you putting yourself down, and assuming they'll leave because you're not good enough? It's important to talk to your partner about this, and if they're the ones getting jealous ask them if there's something you can do.

At the end of the day if there's a break in trust then jealousy is going to sneak in. Either they trust you or they don't. Either you trust them or you don't. I'm of a mind that if they're going to cheat then there's nothing you can do that's going to stop them, and trying is a wasted effort, you may as well cut your losses and find someone that's going to treat you how you deserve. Jealousy is a combination of emotions, you're better off trying to find the root and fixing it than wasting the energy being upset about it.

[decepti-thots]

☕ ~ trans woman whirl?

I love trans Whirl headcanons but I think I love them for totally different reasons than I usually see, tbh? That is- I think a lot of the time the fandom just goes 'oh! Girl Holoform Spotted! now this character is girl, and we can say character is trans girl because in the comic they are called he/him' and tbh I find that attitude as fandom often implements it annoying for a couple reasons; one, it often feels like a kind of 'if character Looks Like Girl, well, character Is Girl' deal which tbh feels kinda shallow to me ngl, and two, it (and similar under-expanded upon headcanons) not infrequently seems to be a way for the fandom as a whole to justify the general lack of content for the very explicitly canon trans characters by instead being like 'all the material we make for these characters not treated as such in canon proves that we definitely love trans characters. don't think about how lug or anode or arcee don't get that same attention, or that this content only offhandedly actually deals with transness 90% of the time', you know? Bit mean, but I can't help but feel that's a repeated tendency in the fandom, tbh. I would feel less like this if the fanon trans headcanons did not just vaguely go 'oh. also ig they are trans, how nice' with no follow up and instead actually treated these characters as having opinions about being trans, but in too many cases they unfortunately... don't. (And no, them being robots is not an excuse. Anode has opinions on this. Arcee has opinions on this, a lot of them!) But we're here to talk about Whirl, and I want to talk about why I do love trans Whirl, so.

I love trans Whirl for reasons far outside of that, and I think taking that approach to the idea does it a disservice tbqh. Specifically I like trans Whirl for the same reason I like reading Verity as trans, because it adds to Whirl's character arc about being denied agency over identity and clawing it back on purpose in a way where the trans reading feels especially resonant and like it genuinely adds to the overall subtext of her arc. Whirl's entire character is one where the violent removal of agency in her life is so much a focus it changes the course of history; Whirl refusing to let the functionists that ruined her life win is why Elegant Chaos plays out as it does. Whirl is a character whose entire sense of self as a person with the ability to make any choices at all was viciously ripped away from her, and in turn a character whose response to that is to make her ability to choose exactly what she does so utterly undeniable that even if you hate her, even if you think she's repulsive, even if you want to throttle her, you cannot pretend she is not in control. In that specific context, adding in the idea that she would choose her own gender, in defiance of a Cybertronian culture that implicitly treats gender as an alien unwelcome influence, so she can have what she wants- that rules. There's also such a line to be drawn there between Arcee's arc and Whirl, I think, that is so great. That's where I see why it is so good. Being seen as just a gun to be aimed that everyone professes distaste for but still wants to stick around and do dirty work, but you insist upon your interiority being seen as just that; your interiority. And all the things the people who want to do to you which you hate being what you embrace. It's fantastic. I simply prefer that as an angle through which to view the ideas than like... haha well Whirl's holoform is Girl With Guns how funny. You know?

And one of her most "humanising" moments is when she extends that to someone else. I'm thinking of when she tells Tailgate that Cyclonus was lying about his injuries; that part where Cyclonus is trying to protect Tailgate in a way that is ultimately toxic for them both. Sure, everyone else agrees that the best way to handle this is to lie for your own good so you don't make a decision people don't want you to. But that's not fucking fair, and who gets to decide what's "your own good"? Viewing that in light of a Whirl who is not just vaguely a woman but specifically linking that to the way Whirl's rigidly defined role under a functionist heel ruined her sense of identity, because they know what's best for you whether you like it or not- damn, that is COMPELLING. And I find that just. So much more compelling than what fandom so often does with the idea. Whirl, above all else, knows how important demanding agency is. I think that makes Whirl a character ripe for a reading as trans, and I love that for her so much. she'll grab you by the throat and make you acknowledge her. and she's right every step of the way, no matter how much you want to look away. i love her.

tl;dr WHIRL TRANS WOMAN GOOD. LOVE IT. no really i just, it's so good.

[eerna]

Hi, I read a little bit of your rant about Arcane, but then I stopped 'cause it's making me notice so many things and so sad thinking about what a perfect series could have been if... what? They had more time? If there were someone else with the writers that pointed out things? If they had another act? Maybe two?

For what I have understood act1 was supposed to be the last one in season 1, right now I can't find the source, maybe I'm just imagining it? Idk. But even the season 1 opening finished with Jinx and Vi's fight.

If that's so, maybe season two was supposed to be four act and not two acts super full of things to talk about, to develop, and also so not to forget the starting point of all of the Arcane.

Or maybe this is just me rumbling about a series that I love and I can't accept that they finished it forgetting things really important about Arcane, and it hurt so much.

But I also loved it. It was beautifully done, songs, animations, and voice acting, I know that ending for CaitVi was a little controversial, but I'm keeping that salame in my eyes and be happy for them. Is it so wrong to do this?

Sorry about my English, I don't usually write, but I wanted to express these feelings.

Pls don't apologize for your English, I'm not a native speaker either, we are totally on the same page~ The first arc DID feel like the conclusion to s1, so maybe you are right about that!

Listen, you get to choose how to deal with a show you love ending in an unsatisfying way! I can't police how you are supposed to express your feelings! I can only offer you my thoughts on the matter, and those are this. Engaging with criticism and reading detailed explanations of what didn't work is not a moral responsibility. I express my love for media by analyzing it to bits and pieces, and that's how I deal with disappointment, too. I like to understand why I love something, and I like to understand why I don't love stuff, too. It's just my way of interacting with fiction, not some kind of an ethical statement! I only have a problem with those who think all criticism should be silenced. Those people enter the realm of anti-intellectualism, where the only correct way to interact with media is as a mindless consumer only processing what the writers want you to think and feel and nothing else. So in my opinion, it is not at all wrong to tune out the criticism and just enjoy the good parts of the show for what they are. Because even with all the complaints about the writing, the show excels in every other area, there is a ton to enjoy about it!!

[silentmouthpiece]

AND ANOTHER THING

1) Jimmy is not naturally sadistic. He's an asshole of epic proportions but he's not a sadist. Nor is he a senseless killer. Would Jimmy have killed Anya if he had access to the gun? It's likely. We dont know that for sure, but if he were to kill her there would be too many questions, too much time left on the ship to avoid facing immediate consequences (and lose respect from the rest of the crew) and he'd have to fight and kill everyone else. That's just too much for a man who's concerned about his image. If he killed himself though... no matter what happens afterwards he wouldn't have to deal with the fallout.

Crash the ship and everyone dies? No fallout from the crew or consequences.

Crash the ship and everyone but the captain (who was in on the plan until the last second) comes out unscathed? "It's Curly's fault! I'm good, he's not!" and Jimmy gets to avoid that fallout for a bit. And then Anya starts talking and fuuuuck, he cant get out of this one now can he? But he's captain now, so he's gonna take this second chance and not let anyone take it from him. Granted... Granted he did cause the crew to die, but the only intentional death was Swansea's. I dont think Jimmy would've put Curly in the cryopod if he understood that Curly would freeze to death so there's that, too.

Jimmy is manipulative but he's also delusional. This man believes in his bullshit and that made him so dangerous.

He wasn't always just doom and gloom. We mostly only saw him after getting the worst news of his life twice and tossed into a pressure cooker hell of his own making. That he swore he wanted, btw. Delusional. He was weird but chill before the Pony Express announcement.

This man's main coping mechanism is when he's not in control of a situation is denial and when that doesnt work he lashes out. How can anyone confront him when he doesn't even want to confront himself? I know his mind goes blank before he makes all kinds of excuses for his mind to eat up. It's that panic. That moment of realization that lashes at his hind brain and he has to build a wall to protect it. When the wall isnt enough he has no idea where to channel that frustration except through outburts and violence. Someone should've given him a journal or some shit.

Jimmy was hallucinating Daisuke's grave before the kid even died, lord have mercy. He did not mean for that to happen and the guilt was attacking him immediately. He still went in denial mode tho, trying to save him with that damn mouthwash. That being said, the denial mode was weakening and the guilt was coming for Jimmy tenfold. He couldn't even commit to the whole "It's Swansea's fault" bit. Reality was breaking through his denial door and Jimmy couldn't stop it. And it was thus when he lashed out at Swansea with the gun.

And damn... that speech Swansea gave him. A reality that Jimmy couldn't accept. If Jimmy was in a better state of mind maybe he would have understood what Swansea was trying to tell him, but I think Jimmy heard Swansea say "this ideal life I worked so hard and so long for wasn't what I wanted" and Jimmy's first thought was "I'll fix it... with a gun".

... Makes me think how long Jimmy thought death was a way of fixing things.

[sammysbrokenheart]

Drag me

Part 2 of Drag me down (Part 1)

Summary: A week after Billie's concert you are wondering if Billie actually wants this.

It has been a week after Billie's concert. She was amazing and you felt your heart swell with pride. It was no secret how you felt about Billie and you made sure to express it at any given moment. When you're together you made sure to sprinkle some physical affection and you're always asking her on dates, but in return you get nothing from her.

Billie wasn't a very shy woman, she's loud and passionate so it didn't make sense to you why she was holding back so much.

"Maybe she just doesn't like you like that?" Miko said from where she was busy drawing on her couch.

"Miko, you know that's not true," you said throwing a pillow at her.

You and Miko have been friends for years now, she was like a sister to you.

"Even after all the pushing that I have been doing she's not budging. I mean, yes, whenever I'm around she's fucking angry as hell, but that isn't even helping," Miko said with a sigh. Around the two month mark Miko got tired of your whining about Billie and decided to take matters into her own hands. She claimed that a little jealousy was exactly what Billie needed and she was wrong.

You stared down at your phone still waiting eagerly for Billie's reply. You decided to finally be the one to ask her to be your girlfriend tonight over dinner at your place.

"What if you get rejected?" Miko asked with a smirk on her face.

"I'm going to tell Martina you're in love with her," I say taking out my phone. You've never seen Miko move that fast and you realized quick that you had to run for your life.

Billie quickly replied to you after she was done with her meeting with her manager. You asked her to come over, but there was a massive get together happening at her house.

Billie: can't tonight, but you can come over to mine?

You♡: sure :)

You made your way to Billie's house dressed up in an outfit that Miko said made me look like a sex doll. You decided that, that was for the best, maybe if you looked irresistible then that would push her to just do a bit more.

Claudia greeted you at the door. Her house was occupied with a bunch of people they are also dressed like a bunch of sex dolls. Billie didn't mention to you that there would be a party at her house.

"Y/N you look amazing!" Claudia said hugging you.

"You too babe! Where's Bil?" you asked and Claudia pointed to the kitchen. Of course.

As you got closer to the door you could hear Billie's voice. When you opened the door you saw that she wasn't alone, she was there with Abigail.

You felt your blood boil. Abby was someone you weren't fond of, she was Billie's ex girlfriend.

You took on how close you two were standing, how Billie was letting her be in her space like that. You looked at how Billie was laughing at her stupid jokes and you knew they were stupid.

You coughed and that immediately got their attention.

Billie's face lit up when she saw you. Whatever Abby was talking about was long forgotten and all she could focus on was you and the black dress you were wearing.

"Billie," you said wrapping your arms around Billie's neck and you felt Billie snake her arms around your waist.

"You look amazing I-" before she could say anything else her brother called her.

"I'll be right back, get us a drink," she said. Without warning she gave you a quick kiss on the cheek and left.

When you noticed that Billie left you turned to Abigail who was still standing there looking stupid.

"So you're my replacement," Abigail said smugly.

"No, your replacement was the woman Billie started dating a week after you guys broke up. How does it feel to know you're so easily replaceable?" you said walking closer to her. You can tell that you struck a nerve.

"You think this will last long? You think you stand a chance against me?" she said trying to act tough.

"No, you're right. Go ahead and try Abby," you said sweetly.

Abigail looked at you confused.

"Just like that?" she said crossing her arms over her chest.

"I mean you have beeen trying to get Billie back since you broke up two years ago so maybe this time it would actually work... Fingers crossed," you crossed your fingers and gave her a thumbs up.

Billie suddenly came back to the kitchen and went straight to where you were standing. Her arms were immediately wrapped around your waste just like before she left. She nuzzled her head in your neck and you could smell the alcohol on her breath. She was drunk.

"I missed you," she mumbled and you felt light kisses where her head was burried in your neck.

You watched Abigail leave the kitchen in a hurry and felt smug.

Billie took your hand and you two walked outside to the pool.

"Y/N let's swim," Billie said excitedly.

"Billie no," you said pulling her away from the edge.

"God Y/N I really fucking like you," she said suddenly. You cupped her cheek in your hand and you felt her lean into your touch.

"Miko likes you too... Fucking Miko," you heard her mumble.

"Sometimes I think I'm good and then Miko and her annoying ass gets in head FUCK!" She says frustrated.

"Billie calm down you're drunk, I don't want you to trip," you said watching her walk backwards.

"I'm just buzzed Y/N I am very aware of my surroundings," she says and you felt relieved. "I heard what you said to Abby now I'm... I don't fucking know. You sounded so jealous, but yesterday Miko posted you two at the bowling alley and I-"

You couldn't stand her rambling anymore. Without any warning you kissed her. It took no time before she kissed you back and you two were passionately kissing.

"I like you Billie. It's you, just you," you said between kisses.

"So what you're saying is Miko's ass doesn't stand a chance," she said as she pulled away from the kiss.

"Miko's ass never stood a chance in the first place," you said. You watched her eyes light up.

Abigail watched the scene unfold from the backdoor. She took out her phone and dialed Miko's number.

"What happened?" she asked immediately.

"I think they just got together..." Miko started swearing on the other side of the phone. Abigail could barely understand anything cause she was swearing and yelling in Spanish.

"We can still make this work... We don't have to give up?" Abigail said.

"What can we possibly do!?" Miko said.

"Meet me tomorrow and I'll fill you in. We'll get them, don't worry," Abby ended the call and walked back to the party. This was definitely not the end.

[phillycheesesteakcore]

You want to talk nuance? Fine. I can think of four enforcers off the top of my head that provide nuance:

Grayson: In her time the Sheriff of the enforcers. A character clearly being positioned to the audience as more morally upright. By cooperating with Vander she works to reduce the skirmishes as much as possible. And yet, we see that she cannot publicly work with him in any capacity that matters, because Zaun and its citizens are dehumanized to the point where their appointed leader has feasibly little power and certainly no legislation. This is not a flaw in the system, it is it's design, and it is a system that Grayson upholds with her position as Sheriff. She's trying, yes, she wants to do good, yes, but people are still being harmed.

Marcus: The man who Silco has in his pocket. By allowing Silco to control him, the corruption within the enforcers grows and the damage Silco does worsens. In his tenure as Sheriff "whole underground areas [are] FILLED with addicts wallowing around in their own filth". Oh sure, it's Silco's command, but Marcus allows it to happen in exchange for keeping his secrets to avoid the consequences of his own actions. But he's a loving father, who cares for his daughter deeply and wants more than anything in the world to protect her. He even fantasizes about taking out Silco for good, even if that means dying with him. But in the end he lacks the spine to do anything of the like. Marcus is a well-meaning if weak willed man, but his position within the enforcers mean other people suffer for his gutlessness.

Steb: Our fishy looking friend from season 2. Steb is a deeply fascinating character to me. There aren't very many non-human looking people in Piltover. The only non-human on its governing Council is Heimerdinger, but he's a Yordle, an old and wise member of a race everyone in Runeterra knows better than to mess with. I'd say the only other non-human looking character I can think of working in the enforcers is the warden at Stillwater. So I find it fascinating that Steb, as a non-human who seems to be something of a minority in Piltover, shows an open disdain for Zaunites stronger than most other characters we encounter. It's clear right from his and Maddie's first meeting with Vi, his distinct unfriendliness and distrust of her is in sharp contrast to Maddie's attitude. I'd think as someone so clearly underrepresented in his community he'd understand what it's like to be misjudged, but that doesn't seem to be the case. But even he can put aside his own prejudices when it comes to defending his home side by side with Zaunites by the end of the season.

Loris: Again, a character we don't know very much about. From the beginning he seems a bit more apprehensive about certain things than other enforcers, choosing to pretend not to hear Maddie's conversation with Vi. He also seems a lot more reluctant than the others during Caitlyn's manhunt for Jinx in the Undercity. But he follows orders nonetheless. But he has a breaking point. With the call to martial law, he sees things going in a direction he just can't follow, and he leaves. Dragging your feet while committing atrocities makes you no less culpable than anyone else, but at least he realized that some things are just too far.

There's nuance, I can see that. I'm not saying every enforcer joined with their head full fantasies about stabbing Zaunite infants in their cribs. There's certain amounts of good done, or at the very least, being attempted at. But it always comes back to the damage being done and the system of oppression being upheld.

Arcane Season 1 fans: Oh my god, I love how nuanced this show is! There are so many parallels and micro expressions and the animation is so good!

Arcane Season 2 “fans”: Don’t make me use brain, just tell me every plot point. I don’t want to pay attention to the characters expressions to figure out what they’re thinking. Fuck nuance, cop = bad!

[ochrearia]

I don't think I should be allowed to have a brain at this point literally can't do anything without my brain making leaps between vaguely related topics all just to prove I'm untrustable and a love bomber and I'm gonna be honest I think the latter is actually true considering how I've been acting this whole time. And I hate that it took me this long to understand that yes I have been too much and all these other things etc etc

And then I'm self aware it's a spiral but I also don't care that it's a spiral because for once I need to hear it because I know what I'm like and I know I just end up scaring people out of telling me the truth out of guilt or whatever and god I make myself sooooo mad sometimes holy shit. But this is my problem that I caused so now I get to lie in this bed because I told myself I was too much and couldn't act like this and did it anyways. And in my quest that was never going to end well wanting to make everyone feel special. I have made my words mean nothing and thus it's like no one is. Incredible job Ochre

I know what the problem is and I'm going to fix it by stopping all of this because that's really all I can do. And I really have no right to feel like shit because I'm the one who was doing it. And I'm tired of making everything about me too I've needed to stop that shit for a while. Just. No more of all this overbearing affection amongst other things. This is not how I should exist

Literally a bunch of top results of how love bombing works good job me. Actually just fuck off for once. And I need to stop talking about everything like I keep telling myself to so just. One. And that's it. Still better than writing another overdramatic cringe toxic one-shot and dragging YS's character down with me or any of the others at this point. I'm just pissed at myself. Like get real. And in an hour or two I'm going to get even more mad at myself for acting like this outwardly, find someone else to bother

Whatever. Just start over. Again. You'd think I would know better by now. Christ

[twopoppies]

Oh good I didn't know if I was too bitchy about the bus girls. Like Gina, I don't mean to hijack your shit here but I am afraid for the world right now for the first real time in my life. The things that are happening frighten me, they're dystopian. They feel unreal and impossible and they are neither. What the fuck is going to happen I can't say but I am dreading it. I'm only in my 30s and I'm scared!

And like, I can still access that Mean Girl I was until maybe.....24? 25? That's when I started to get over myself. I'm not proud. Sometimes I still catch myself having smartass ugly thoughts as my first reaction and I have to remind myself to choose to be a better person in the moment. I know what it's like to be the judgmental bus girl. Spoiler: it's shitty. It's not edgy, it's not cool, it doesn't make you better than other people. Shitting on someone else or someone's work or making it the butt of the joke is a very low bar anybody can clear. It doesn't make you clever, it really just makes you unpleasant. People will realize you can't be trusted with their secrets and private joys because you can't be, you're probably gonna be snarky about them for a cheap laugh. You will not know real intimacy romantic or otherwise until someone believes they can trust you. Grow up. Make a modicum of effort to be a good person and learn how to talk about shit that makes things better and good and kind and happy. I'm guessing they're fans of Harry or Louis? I'm gonna use Harry here: Harry would hate that you said that shit about fic. He would hate you. Listen to the words he says, he has pleaded with his audiences to choose kindness because "the world needs it." Is it calculated? Maybe. But maybe he has seen a lot of shit and he means it. I'm gonna choose to believe him on this. Building things up is so much harder than tearing things down but I promise you I don't miss being a Mean Girl. I'm amazed I always had friends but they would have seen through me one day like I started to see through myself.

Sorry I'm really annoyed about these bus girls right now. And full disclosure, I'm sorry I too used to think fic was lame because I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about and someone should have said something even meaner to me to shut me up. I would have deserved it.

And obviously you don't have to post this I just wanted to say it to someone and like, own up and also express that I'm annoyed on behalf of all fandom creators. Fucking bus girls, shut up.

Not only am I posting it, I want to give you a hug because I fully appreciate your bus girl rant.

In reference to this and this

[manic-sapphic]

one of the scenes at the heart

between adora and catra that absolutely makes me feel like the earth is giving way underfoot - every damn time i've watched it.

initially, it seems to me like adora reads catra's "no" as the beginning of catra trying to talk her out of it again, but catra quickly clarifies. she's not going anywhere, no matter what happens. cause if it doesn't work and everything ends, there's no where else catra would rather be. and if it does work but is going to destroy adora, catra's honestly probably more than willing to have it - and likely is even hoping it will - destroy her too, if she's by adora's side.

cause sure, maybe catra tried to leave in the middle of the night after adora took the failsafe, feeling like, once again, adora was choosing to leave her behind- only in a far more heartbreaking and permanent way. and even after melog reads that bitch and bucks her off to give her a good lil shock to her system and tries to push her to go back, she refuses. but then melog tackles her to the ground and gets her to let some real feelings out - says them, even if just to melog - still something she'd never have done before. give her true feelings a voice and let them exist. let them be real & fully accepted that they are.

which we all know is immediately followed by a clone appearing, melog cloaking them both just in time. but once they follow and catra realizes prime's found a way to go after the heart sooner than expected and is undertaking that endeavor at that very moment - all the uncertainty, her insecurities, her reflex to suppress her feelings for adora due to the emotions triggered by her abandonment issues & sw meddling - all go out the fucking window. she hops on melog and they rush back to warn adora. but of course she's already headed to the heart - somewhere i'm sure, given the circumstances with prime infecting the planet - catra knows is bound to be dangerous for adora to be.

so catra sees her only way to get there in time, and takes the hand of the last person she'd ever want to, and goes to find adora.

and after everything that happened between going to look for adora and reaching the heart together, only to find she couldn't transform and had no hope of surviving it - catra refuses to leave when adora tells her to get as far away as she can, hoping it would keep catra safe. but if i was catra, i'd be thinking "don't you fuckin tell me to go away - if you get to choose to stay down here, so do i." which is kinda how i read her refusal to leave.

and i think maybe it's part of why adora doesn't protest. but also, i think she realizes it would be a waste of breath in her fragile state - catra's not going anywhere no matter what she says. and honestly, watching the tears that stream down adora's face when catra says she's staying with her no matter what - i think that's what adora really wanted anyway. it wasn't about having someone with her so she wouldn't be alone - she wanted catra with her. but likely felt it would be too selfish to say.

luckily, catra saved her the trouble of having to. cause catra finally realized that whether adora wants to leave or stay, no matter the situation, she can always choose to stay with adora, so long as she wants catra there. no pride in the way, nothing petty left to prove, no more interest in winning. where adora goes, even if it's into the abyss, catra wants to choose to stay by her side from now on, where ever that might lead. cause that's where she's always wanted to be.

just as catra says to glimmer and bow when she runs into them after appearing w shadow weaver, she'll stay and find her cause she "can't lose her again." which, to me, means - if it comes down to it, and adora does go - catra wants to go with her.

[femmeleatherface]

@caiteaz i was going to make this a reply but then it ran away from me, so sorry for the delayed response!

first up i just want to say that your interpretation of them a brotherly relationship is awesome and i love it. when all is said and done i'm personally open to really any interpretation of their dynamic, ultimately they are fictional characters and we have better things to do than argue over fake people. that's part of why i kept the romance mention in the tags rather than in the post itself

that said i am one of the people on the romance train so. i will explain my take on it!

realistically i think the main reason erik/the daroga as a ship exists is because of the susan kay novel. idk if you've read it but they are. very gay in that. it's been a while since i read it, but if i remember right at one point erik nearly steals diamonds--aka the stuff they make wedding rings out of--to give them to nadir (the daroga's name in this version). and then i remember VERY vividly erik even ponders if nadir is going to be his lover but then decides nah because erik can't comprehend the concept of bisexuality (despite clearly being open to the concept himself)

also more obscure but beloved by me if nobody else, there's the 1991 musical where the daroga swoops in at the end, plants himself on erik's bed, tries to comfort him because he's sad about christine leaving, then talks about how he's followed erik from the ends of the earth and will continue to follow him until the end of time. and then they smile and clash swords together (this is not a euphemism but sounds like it)

but in terms of the leroux novel, then for me the romantic interpretation of erik/the daroga comes from two approaches: fun reading-between-the lines of their interactions, and speculating the concept of such a relationship based on the characters themselves

from the between-the-lines approach, in the leruox novel they're antagonistic, but close. they feel almost like exes who are still kind of a little in love with each other, but also broke up for really good reasons, but also still understand each other better than everyone on the planet. i don't even read them as exes, i just think they have the vibe all on their own because their chemistry is so fun

basically, they annoy each other, but also clearly still care about each other. from erik's side of things, he doesn't drown the daroga in the lake (but is very okay drowning anyone else), and when he's at death's door at the end it's the daroga he goes to so he can tell him what happened with christine and get help fulfilling his burial wishes. and the daroga, despite literally losing everything and being exiled from his homeland because of erik, still follows erik to paris and keeps in touch with him and stalks him, really, the way erik stalks christine. (i'm a simple person, i see any parallels between same-gender relationships that are totally not romantic and hetero ones that totally are and i immediately raise my speculative gay eyebrow)

and obviously there's multiple ways that kind of relationship can be interpreted. i don't even know if leroux intended for us to read them as friends considering the daroga repeatedly calls erik a monster and they clearly get on each other's nerves. this is why i have a second approach, speculating on the concept of them

like, think about leroux erik. he desperately wants to be loved but also his relationship with christine is super unhealthy. i mean... someone who knows what he looks like and what horrors he is capable of and who still hasn't abandoned him despite losing everything for him is RIGHT THERE

and the daroga. he literally saved erik's life ages ago and never seems to regret it no matter how much evil erik commits. prior to christine's kiss, the daroga seems to have an recognition of erik's inherent worth as a human being when no one else does, even with all the times he calls him a monster. he wants erik to be alive and wants him to be happy, but also knows when to step in because he's gone too far. also he himself is an outsider in paris because he is an immigrant who is distrusted by the people around him because of his appearance, giving him a degree of empathy for what erik has been through as an "other." (i would argue christine also has this potential because she's swedish and this is even why she and the daroga are the two people able to get the most close to erik, but that's another post)

even if all that's not romantic love that's still got to be some kind of love. and considering romantic love and the so-called "intrinsic need" for it is a huge part of the novel, the romantic interpretation just makes sense theme-wise

anyway. sorry for the long post but i hope that answered your question. like i said, that's just my take. i'm sure others have different opinions because art is wonderful and subjective that way

the relationship between erik and the daroga is great because while yes, erik is the bane of the daroga's existence, the daroga is EQUALLY obnoxious to erik. for every gray hair the daroga receives from erik causing mayhem, erik receives one split end of what little hair he has left from the daroga stalking his house, butting his nose into his private life, and all around being a major buzzkill by reminding him of promises he made forever ago like "no more murders" or whatever

[ghouljams]

how does one become free of insecurity? i’m already doing therapy but i feel i’ve only moved away from hating myself so much i want to d*e into just thinking everyone’s better than me

It's a long journey, but well worth it.

I don't think anyone is ever truly free of insecurity, but I think there's also a lot that is unpacked simply through the language we use to describe ourselves and the jokes we allow other people to make at our expense.

Therapy is great at helping you deal with the big feelings, but sometimes little things get caught in your head and it's hard to shake them. Here are some things that I do to keep myself feeling good, and also some things that I'm working on:

No suicide jokes. I make it a point never to joke about "oh I'll just kill myself" or anything like that because ultimately it just makes me feel worse and nobody finds it funny. It's also a good way to change your thinking and direct your solution brain away from "I'll just end things when shit gets hard." This one is a constant battle.

I compliment myself whenever I have the chance. I take every compliment someone gives me. I pretend to be vapid and self-absorbed. I make kissy faces at myself in the mirror. I tell other people how pretty I am, and I don't fucking care if they think I'm a stupid bimbo because I'm trying to love myself and that's more important.

Being kinder to my younger self. This one feels weird but I found myself being mean to little Ghoul when I was really sad. It feels easy to take out your anger on a kid that didn't know any better, and it doesn't guilt you because that's you that you're hating. But look. You were just a kid. You weren't stupid or ugly or unlovable or evil, you were a kid. I just caught myself calling my teenage self ugly the other day on my way to visit my mom and I had to stop and go "why am I saying this? I was just a kid." And it made me cry a li'l bit ngl, but if felt... idk it felt good in a way.

Don't let fucking anyone tell you, you're not worth it. Does your friend make jokes about how dumb you are? Or how you're so cringey? Or so embarrassing or bad at something or forgetful or WHATEVER? Yeah, fuck that noise. Tell them to stop doing that. Tell them it hurts your feelings and if they still don't stop they aren't your friend, they're your bully. I fucking hate bullies. Don't let anyone talk down to you, I don't care if it was a joke at first, it's not funny anymore. Fuck them.

This is something I'm working on, but when you start fixing one insecurity another will probably pop up. I've been working for a long time on liking how I look, and it's gone really well. But now I'm insecure about my intelligence. So I have to stop myself from calling myself stupid or not answering questions. I just fucking rocked my work trivia party, and Mr. Ghoul thinks I'm smart, so I just gotta keep track of my wins. Sometimes you realize that making yourself secure in one thing makes you insecure about another, but that's ok! There's a learning curve to all of this.

Everyone thinks everyone else is better than them. You don't have to be the best at everything, you don't even have to be the best at one thing! What's important is that you're doing your best. People notice when you're working hard, even if you're not churning out the best product because it means you care about it. Which brings me to

Done is better than perfect. Sure it would be great if you were God's most specialist soldier, but think about how much work that would be! Ok so you're not the world's best knitter, but the scarf you made your friend is their favorite scarf anyway because you made it. So you're not a world class writer, but you had a story in your head and you wrote it down. That's better than it never being written at all. Also just because you think it's bad doesn't mean other people won't think it's a masterpiece. Hell, half of the fics I wrote when I first started this blog I could write better now but that doesn't make them bad, it just means I've gotten better.

We as humans are constantly improving and evolving. Don't let who you are no stop you from striving towards who you'll be in the future. Taking one step down the path towards loving yourself is better than giving up and hating yourself forever. It's slow going, but man I've been doing this shit for a decade and I'm so much happier than I was at 18.

You might think that the more you improve the harder and faller you'll fall back to the bottom, but the lows don't get that low again. You're doing great. I'm proud of you.

[impossibleheartflower]

Stained glass windows are made out of broken pieces of glass, technically they're glass pieces that were purposely cut to be that way but I always think that stained glass windows are even more beautiful when it's just broken glass that needs a little of repurposing. Y'know just taking a bunch of random broken glass with their own little story that just needs to not disappear but kinda just needs to be rearrange to be made into something gorgeous.

Stained glass windows by their nature find beauty in the broken, that's why I love them so much, when comparing people to stained glass windows the person typically has a lot of scars and their mental state kinda changes to try to adapt to scars but overall they are beautiful. They are perfect because of their flaws, because of scars, and because of their beautiful mind that had to change in order to survive, do you know why? It's because they are what makes them *them*. I want to know every part of them, the good the bad and the ugly, I want to get to know every scar, every bruise, I want to trace the map of scars and help them paint over the broken pieces but not to make it seem like the scars (both mental and physical) are not there but to make the pain just a little more bearable. I want to see how even after their mind falls apart that they still are able to put themselves back together because that kind of strength is amazing, resilience is amazing and I'll always admire it.

Scars are just a reminder of what we've been through. Scars might fade but they'll never go away and I don't like the fact that people had to go through that much pain in order to get those scars but the fact that they survived and decided to stay here in this is what I find beautiful. I like the little bit of lead that keeps the glass together because it's like when a person decides to heal and work on themselves, it's like say "hey! I'm still here regardless of the tragedies that has happened to me! All the broken pieces are still here but I've made them into something different, not good or bad but just different because I'm different" and I think that's remarkable.

The lead is what finalizes the transformation of just a pile of broken glass to a work of art and when comparing someone to stain glassed art the lead strips is them healing and chosing to not hurt anyone else the same way the have been hurt. Comparing someone to stained glass art is like saying "hey I might not know what's going on in your life or if your a good person or not but I would very much like to know because I think that your scars represent hope and strength, not destruction and pain, I just want to know you all of you"

You can help people with with broken bits and make them all pretty by helping them with the colors and whatnot but at the end of the day they have to put the lead strips to make the piece of art, when it comes down to it the other person has make the choice of forgiving or healing or whatever it is for them to change for the better because there is only so little that we can do. A part of making stained glass art is that it's a long (and expensive) process much like healing from trauma but in the end it's still breathtaking and peaceful

I mean when you look at a stained glass window don't you just have a sudden urge to admire it? To study every inch? Or at the very least just be able to see what the final product is? It's amazing and I love them

[bixels]

tarpit site.

[whatudottu]

Welcome one and all to my version of the party's loopified designs, featuring my many broken bones and blood stains I especially put into Odile who I tackled second unlike the alphabetical order that I have presented here! I'll have in-depth discussions on each designs and matching practice portraits under the cut but before that-

Siffrin 'barely taller than a preteen' no middle name no last name Loop is still barely taller than a preteen but now that preteen can claim fire to their height!

Alphabetical order GO!

Bonnie, who I've been calling Bonfire (which if that ends up being their name I can imagine Bonnie calling them 'Fire' while they call Bonnie 'Face' to match), was the last of my designs because frankly I knew from the start what their design was going to take influence from and also knew I was going to draw fire :P They were based on bonfires (of course) and also specifically the Burning Man effigies just for a humanoid figure, plus being a chef cooker and a campfire and also a very heated expressive person.

Their flames are hot but not actual wood burning so the Favour Tree (and Mirabelle in the height chart) are not at risk of combusting, they're just incredibly bright-

Isabeau my first design, with influences from @basilpaste 's Lock (with a dressform body) and @nullapophenia 's original version of Husk (the faceless identityless sketch), I have combined them both to make a mannequin it/its loopified design that finally gets to be capital T Tall all for the low low price of being Changed against its will and suffering another bout of body dysphoria that it can't fix anymore :) :) :) When I was referencing mannequins I actually noticed how long their legs actually were let alone how they were perma-stuck in that Barbie-like highheel pose and thought why don't I just curse Isa with something he previously wanted :P

Something something Isabeau actively Changed not only his body but his personality to become someone he wouldn't be ashamed of, yada yada Loopsabeau is back to hating itself and has started to become a person it despises to match (also like a mannequin it's head and arms are technically painlessly removeable :P)

Third in order and third in design is Mirabelle, who technically is the only loopified design with technically hair and clothes, but the hair are the tangled roots of the Favour Tree and the clothes are like the carved hardstone statues of religious figures :P Initially my Idea for Mirabelle was to make her kinda like her statue, with the wonky expression of someone who made it without much mastery over details, not to pit anything against Mira, no, no. Thought about maybe abstract statue design but I couldn't find a version I liked but I did always imagine her statue being weathered in some way, there was a reason why I saved her for third I couldn't pick what I wanted. But then I remembered the broken Change God statues, thought about the 'blessing' that ended up being a curse, and then thought about overgrown weathering and gave her the roots.

I actually looked up Black hairstyles and mostly wondered what specific hair texture Mirabelle had (she wears it in a fro of course, but she has flyaways that aren't coils, but she described her own hair as kinky and :P) so that if I were to mimic hair with tree roots I can get an appropriate matching hairstyle (settled on megatwists). Hah, if Mira has 4C hair, considering how long her hair actually looks, if she to wear her hair in twists she might actually have elbow length hair :P

I spent 8 non-consecutive hours on Odile can you tell? Can you see my hands bleeding my wrist breaking my eyes drooping? Yeah so Odile was again, my second design and it took me a week to recover, and she's a combination of gem and mirror suit with all the little fragments floating around her the 'diamonds' that represent all her family members party plus the ones she originally had in sets of 2. I also put geodes where parts of her body have broken off (inspired by how when the King strikes she can't move, plus also being a glass canon) where when I was actually drawing those geodes that they kinda use the Change symbol?

Circle within a circle within a circle, regardless of how wiggly it is, and at the centre is a cluster of crystals. That was an accidental reference to Odile's mixed heritage but hoo boy what a connection! Her missing pieces are a combination of 'being too old for this' fragility and also 'i didn't want to render more mirrors sue me'

Anyway I am going to put my wrist in a cast and imagine loopified party members with their pre-wish counterparts :P