#but they still published it and people are reading it

[bamguetismee]

Phantom Pursuit- YJW

Jungwon is cocky, confident, and easily one of the most skilled world class spies in the world. Nothing seems to bother him and his impulse is his most deadliest weapon. His partner was skilled, capable, and detail oriented- aka you. Something big goes down on an unassuming mission. But little did you know this one mission could change the fate of the world as you knew it.

PAIRING: — Spy Jungwon ✩ Spy reader (f)

GENRE: fluff, she’s angsty TT, slow burn, spy au

WARNINGS: making out, petnames, skinship, slow burn, I hate to say but there is angst, mentions of alcohol, guns, blood, fighting, cursing, near death experiences, mentions of death, dark haired Jungwon!, two ocs , there’s probably wayyy more but idk how to do this

WC: 21.110 words

Yuni Says: hihi, this is my first fic ever. And I mean like on any writing platform. So I’m completely new to writing- pls bear with me. I’ve been lurking on here for a while but I never published anything. I’m not going to be very very consistent with my writing but I will try my best. Pls feel free to chat with me and give me any feedback to improve. But I’m really really excited to start my journey on here!! Comments and reblogs are rlly appreciated. Anyway I hope you enjoy~ bye lovelies

The mission was simple- get into the gala and do some profiling on the high end criminals there. Although there was a stir of something else. Something big was happening at this gala of the underworld. That is precisely the reason that you were standing here. Underneath these opulent chandeliers in this glittering ballroom in Paris. The soft hum of classical music and whispers of the crooked floated through the air. The gala was filled with champagne fueled conversations that some could only decrypt as devious plans. You adjusted the slit of your deep sea blue dress and scanned the room observing the shadowy and mysterious figures. The earpiece buzzed faintly as you picked up a champagne flute from a waiter passing by. 

“Hear anything interesting?” Jungwon’s voice crackled in her ear through the comm system. His annoying voice was smug as always

You suppressed a sigh trying to keep your expression neutral. “If by interesting, you mean potential intel, then no. Just the usual crowd of criminals pretending to be philanthropists.” 

“Come on, ___” Jungwon replied. “You need to lighten up a bit. This is just a profiling mission. Its the easiest one we’ve been on in a while. So just relax and try to have some fun will you?”

“Jungwon no matter how easy this is its a mission. We aren’t here to have fun” you say in a focused manner like always. 

You scanned around the room noticing him. Jungwon was leaning against the bar in his sharp black tuxedo. His hair was slicked back and he had that air of confidence and easiness he carried. No matter how much you hate to admit it, his broad shoulders, lean build, and small waist looked damn good in that tux. His eyes met yours from across the room. They were deep brown and mysterious, yet they still had that longing look. Those eyes that hide a deeper emotion, something that you couldn’t quite decipher. Even after all that training and those missions where you read people to a tee, you still couldn’t quite read him. Yet, those eyes always lured you in and never failed to bring that slight flush up your neck despite how damn annoying he was. And that damn smile. That charming one he gave with both his dimples poking out. It had already attracted two women who were all up on Jungwon. It was pathetic and honestly infuriating how his simple smile had such an impact on anyone. What’s more pathetic is the way your own heart ached in the slightest way at the sight. Now wasn’t the time for that though. You rolled your eyes as you set the champagne down.

“Are you flirting with civilians again??” 

“Would you prefer if I flirted with you instead?” Jungwon teased as he raised his glass in your direction. 

“Focus Jungwon,” you hissed. “We are here for intel, not your dating life” you reprimand him as you eye the host of the party, he was new on the scene and your agency needed more information on said man.

“And yet,” he said, taking a sip of his drink, “I’m the one who’s about to make progress.” 

Before you could say anything in return he had already slipped away from the bar. He excused himself from the two pretty girls who pouted as he said he needed to leave. The criminal was named Bryan Cavellott, he was new on the high end criminal scene. He had made his grand debut by stealing some jewels from a museum in Russia and now rumor says he has something else thats far more important than some pink diamonds. Something so valuable that he had attracted all the high-level criminals in europe to his gala. As Jungwon made a beeline towards the older man with the crisp white suit and shaped beard, he shot you a sly look. 

You narrowed your eyes as you followed him from a distance. You slipped through the crowds as you kept your gaze trained on Jungwon. He had already begun his usual act: leaning in slightly, charming but conspiratorial smile playing on his lips, and a trustworthy tone of voice. 

You spoke through the comm system again, “Don’t blow our cover.”

“When have I ever blown our cover?” he whispered with a confident smile as he made his way closer to Cavellott. 

“Do you want me to give you the list alphabetically or in order of how many times we almost died?”

Jungwon didn’t say anything but the smirk on his face was answer enough. Instead he finally approached the old man. “Mr. Cavellott?” he said his voice smooth. “Quite a gathering tonight. A man like you must have something truly extraordinary to share with us.”

Cavellott’s smile was thin and practiced but it held a hint of amusement too. “Ah, and you are?”

“Jung Park” he said easily, extending a hand. “Investor, entrepreneur, and lover of all things valuable and rare.” 

You groaned into the earpiece quietly as you decided that you needed to make sure Jungwon didn’t get one of his brilliant ideas again. So you approached the two smoothly. 

“And who is your lovely companion?” Cavellott asked, his gaze sharp and shifting to meet yours as you slid up next to Jungwon.

“___ Nakamura” you say with a charming smile of your own. “Jung’s business partner.”

Of course Jungwon couldn’t help but add with a stupid grin, “among other things.” which earned him a well deserved but subtle jab to his ribs from your elbow. 

Cavellott seemed to have deemed you two trustworthy as he openly chuckled enjoying the dynamic between you two. “Well, Mr. Park and Miss Nakamura, I assure you that tonight’s main attractions is unlike anything you’ve encountered before. An artifact of immense… potential.”

Jungwon tilted his head playing along, “intriguing. I assume this artifact isn’t something you can pick up at a local auction house?” 

Cavellott smiled wider. “Hardly. It’s something far more elusive- something that has been hidden for centuries and only recently resurfaced.”

You leaned in slight, your tone cautious but curious. You preceded carefully but you couldn’t help but think- is this what all the stir was about? “Oh? And what exactly makes it so special?”

Cavellott’s eyes sparkled with a mixture of pride and secrecy. “Ah, but that is the question isn’t it? Its value lies not just in what it is but what it could do. That’s what everyone’s here for”

“Sounds dangerous,” you said.

“All things of great power are,” Cavellott replied smoothly. “But that’s why it must be handled by someone who understands its worth. Plus I’m sure a lovely and confident lady like yourself wouldn’t mind a little game of danger?”

You sent Jungwon a quick glance but you both knew what it meant. This was it. It wasn’t just a rumor, whatever this… artifact is, its dangerous and with the way Cavellott is speaking of it- everyone here seems to understand its value. You sent a calm but pleased glance towards Cavellott despite the way your nerves were on edge. 

“And this artifact…” Jungwon said his voice steady but probing, “does it have a name?”

Cavellott’s smile thinned as his eyes darted around nervously before he leaned in closer. “I shouldn’t even be discussing this, but I suppose you’ll find out sooner or later. The artifact is known as the Phantom Codex.” 

The name itself sent a shiver down your spine although your expression remained neutral. The Phantom Codex… it was something significant. The way Cavellott spoke about it was too unsettling itself.

“And what does it do?” Jungwon asked his tone light but calculating. 

Cavellott chuckled lightly but with a hint of knowing. “That, my friend, is the question that everyone here tonight is asking. And the answer… is far more than you could ever imagine.”

Before the two of you could press him any farther a woman on the other end of the ballroom caught his eye. She gave him a sly smile before turning away and walking to the balcony. The challenge in her eye was unmistakable. Cavellott offered the two of you a rushed excuse. “If you’ll excuse me, I must attend to my other guests. Enjoy the evening you two.” 

And just like that he disappeared into the crowd. Jungwon leaned in closer to you, his voice was low and calculating. “Phantom Codex. Sound like the title of a bad action movie.”

“Focus Jungwon.” you snapped back at him. Your pulse was calm but your thoughts were racing. “Whatever it is, people are willing to kill for it. I mean some of these criminals hate each other but look at the way they’re playing so nice tonight. Whatever this is we can’t ignore it.”

Jungown’s playful expression faded as he took on a rare serious one instead. “Then I guess it’s time to figure out who else here knows something about it- and what they are willing to do to get it.” 

You nodded and scanned the room. This always happened to the two of you, not a single mission where the stakes hadn’t risen. You were playing a game where one wrong move could cost you everything, even your life. In this room surrounded by throngs of dangerous people, you knew the importance of this mission.

“Lets split up,” you said, your tone sharp. You gave him one last look over your shoulder. “And Jungwon? Try not to flirt with anyone.”

“No promises,” he replied with a poor attempt at a wink before disappearing into the crowd. Despite yourself a small smile formed on your lips. You just sighed as you shook your head. 

˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

The party shifted into a quieter, more exclusive phase as the night deepened. The glittering and glamorous crowd thinned, leaving behind only those with the wealth, power, and influence to justify their presence at this gala in the heart of Paris. You and Jungwon moved through the crowd, your ears sharp, ready to catch any piece of information about this mysterious artifact. 

“Anything?” you whispered your voice barely audible over the classical tunes. 

Jungwon, who was on the other side of the opulent room turned to find your eyes as he smiled teasingly. “A lot of people talking about a lot of things. Art deals, offshore accounts… oh and Lady Pennington’s pomeranian apparently needs a personal chef and maid.” 

You shot him a sharp look. 

“Relax Miss Nakamura,” he teased with a cocky smile as he made his way towards you. “But seriously, everyone’s buzzing about something being revealed soon. I’m betting its our mysterious Codex.” 

You nodded, “we need to find out what it is and when its going to be revealed.” 

As if on cue two men walked by. One of them was some normal small town criminal. The other one though… It was him, Ebony Lloyd. To say that the pair of you and Lloyd had a history would be an understatement. Whenever there was any trouble he was always there. He had a rich history himself… robberies, head of a notorious organization, bomb and arms dealing, drug trafficking. He was a tall and burly man with sleek black hair and eyes of a wolf always searching for his next prey. Of course someone like him was at a gala like this. He didn’t seem to recognize you as he strolled right by. He was talking in hushed tones with the man but you heard bits of what they were saying. Something that sounded like: “Air strip..” “Vienna” “no mistakes this time”. Great- he was on the move again. You would deal with him later, right now the Codex is what mattered. 

Jungwon’s expression soured as he laid his eyes on Lloyd. “Would you look at that? Its our best friend! And he’s conspiring again. I swear he can’t ever keep still for even a few days.” Jungwon sneered quietly as he ran his hand through his styled hair in annoyance.

“We’ll have to deal with him later. Right now we need to find out about the Codex.” you say with a bit of an annoyed expression yourself. 

Everyone’s attention got drawn up to the front as a man strode up onto stage. The conversation died down as the man turned to face the crowd, commanding the attention of the room. He started smoothly and with confidence. “Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us this fine night. As many of you know, tonight’s gathering is more than a celebration– its an unveiling.” he declared

A murmur spread through the crowd as excitement rippled through the room. 

“The artifact you are about to see,” the man continued. “Has been the subject speculation and legend for centuries. Its origins are as elusive as its true potential. But tonight, it is here, in this very room, for the first time in generations this precious artifact has been unearthed again.”

Jungwon leaned a bit too close to murmur in your ear, “I have a bad feeling about this.” With the shiver running down your spine all you could do was nod. 

Two heavily armed men appeared on stage, wheeling a steel reinforced case onto the stage. The man gestured towards the case with a flourish, his tone turned reverent “Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you… the Phantom Codex.”

The case opened with a hiss and steam being emitted from inside. There it was.. The ever elusive Phantom Codex. It looked unsuspecting at first glance. Just a small black piece of tech that was shaped like that of a diamond. You had to take a closer look to realize that there were weird symbols and letters etched onto the surface. They didn’t look like any language you recognized.. In fact the looked almost alien. Whats more is that they didn’t seem to ever hold still, they shifted everytime you blinked. The tech emitted an eerie blue glow from the cracks in it as well. It truly was mysterious and a marvel of tech. You couldn’t help but think- how old is this really? Why is this tech so important if its so old?? 

Jungwon’s breath caught too as he looked at the object. As you looked around the room- no one seemed to be able to look away. They all had the same blue glow in their eyes. This small little black diamond had stunned the hardest of criminals as the crowd gravitated towards it. You could see Jungwon lean closer to the stage himself. 

Snapping your finger in front of his eyes you pulled him out of his trance. “Jungwon.” you whispered in a hushed tone. “Stop looking at it. Its like that Codex is pulling you in- like everyone else here.”

He blinked rapidly as he looked around the room like he was finally gaining his senses again. He quickly masked his entrancement, “the only thing pulling me in is you cherie..” He brushed his hand against yours as a little tease. Your heart rate spiked but before you could come back with a witty comment the lights suddenly went out. 

“Stay close,” you say as you place your hand on the hilt of the knife concealed under your dress. Panic rose even more when a deafening shattering sound echoed through the room. Yells and cries followed closely as Jungwon muttered to himself “damnit..”

When the lights flickered on there wasn’t a Phantom Codex to marvel at. “It’s gone” you hissed. The armed men were gone and the man who unveiled the Codex was on the floor, a pool of his own crimson blood surrounding him. 

“We need to move. The person who stole it isn’t planning to stick around for long,” Jungwon rushed as he grabbed your arm. His grip firm but comforting as you two ran through the panicked crowd towards the nearest exit. Cavellott’s men were starting to close the exits. But in a quick series moves you rendered them unconscious as you ran through the gates. 

“Where’d they go?” you demanded, your pulse racing with a mixture adrenaline and frustration. Alas, whoever it was, was long gone. The midnight streets of Paris were completely empty. There wasn’t even a trace of them. “We lost it!” you said, your jaw tight. 

You pulled your hand away from Jungwon as you smoothened your dress out with a look of frustration. Jungwon’s teasing personality dimmed as he placed a warm hand on your shoulder providing comfort in the cold night. “We’ll figure this out. You know we always do,” he said his voice steady despite the tension. 

It was concerning how fast he could manipulate your emotions with just a few words. You unclenched your jaw as you gave him a curt nod. Still though your mind raced. What exactly was this Phantom Codex? Why were people going to the end of the world for that little diamond? And why did you have a sneaking feeling that this was just the beginning??

     ˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Back at their hotel, you sat crossed legged on the bed, a tablet in your lap as you compiled all the information you had picked up- which wasn’t much. Jungwon on the other hand paced around the room with his tie loose, hair messed up with the way he ran his hands through it, and his shirt untucked. It was a sign of his restlessness. 

Reviewing the security camera footage and guest list was of no use. Whoever this was- and you had a suspecting feeling- they were good. They were professional. Not a trace of them anywhere, just a shadow in the darkness. 

“I think we both know who caused all this.” You said with a long exasperated sigh, falling back on the bed with a hand covering your eyes. 

Jungwon groaned as he threw himself on the other side of the bed with the same hatred in his voice. “Ebony Lloyd. I swear when I get my hands on him I’m going to-” 

Before Jungwon could continue his pleasant words a blue light shone from the tablet. The two of you quickly stood up and straightened out your outfits and you slapped the back of Jungwon’s head mouthing to him to straighten his tie before turning the video on. It was a call from your superior, Mrs. Kwon. She chuckled noticing your slightly disheveled appearance. Then Mrs. Kwon spoke with an easy tone, “agent ___, agent Yang. Nice to see you two so relaxed after a mission. Report to me.”

You spoke up first, “quite the opposite Mrs. Kwon. The mission didn’t go as well as we planned.” you say with a slightly ashamed tone but keeping your expressions professional.

“We profiled on Cavellott, but there was something else. The rumors were true ma’am. There was something big at this gala. Its called the Phantom Codex. We think its something we should be worried about” Jungwon reported. It was a bit unsettling how his personality changed to professional and obedient the moment he was under the hard gaze of our superior. What caught you off guard was the way that Mrs. Kwon’s easy and laid back demeanor dropped immediately the moment she heard the artifact’s name. There was some shuffling on her side- it sounded like she moved rooms. 

Her voice came out in a whisper, “the Phantom Codex?? Are you two out of your mind?” 

You and Jungwon shared a confused glance before looking back at her. “No ma’am. It's true. We saw it, it was at the gala tonight. But its gone now. Stolen.” you spoke up your tone sincere. Her nervous expression was making you uneasy. Mrs. Kwon was never nervous. “Ma’am if you don’t mind me asking. What is it? What does do?” 

Her expression darkened as her tone was now dead serious. “Its dangerous. Every single criminal no matter how big or small is pursuing it. It can hack into anything and manipulate data in ways that humans never though possible. Things like government agencies, federal banks, military systems, nuclear codes, databases of civilians of whole countries.” she spoke, her seriousness making the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. “You two listen carefully. No one. And I mean absolutely no one else should know about this. Is that clear? I don’t care what mission you’re on right now, now your one and only mission is securing the Codex. Is that clear?”

Jungwon could hear her deadly tone too as he gulped softly. You both nodded as she wished you luck before cutting communication. You let your stiff posture relax as you met Jungwon’s gaze. Both of you knew. This wasn’t just some tech, it was powerful, dangerous, and deathly. “I’ve never seen Mrs. Kwon that serious… Something isn’t right.” you observe quietly. You tried to read Jungwon’s gaze but his eyes were too complicated. 

“Well no pressure right?” Jungwon sighed as he leaned back into an armchair his hands behind his head. 

“This is serious Jungwon, did you see Mrs. Kwon??” you shot him a glare as you bristled at the way his posture was so relaxed so easily. 

“I know,” he interrupted, his usual smirk replaced by a grim expression. “And we’re gonna find it okay?”

For a moment your eyes met, a flicker of understanding and something else passed through you. That something else made you look away as you sighed- even with the weight of this serious mission Jungwon’s gaze could make your heart flutter. “Just.. sleep soon. We have a long day ahead of us.” you say as you go to change into something more apt for sleep. 

Jungwon let a faint smile grace his lips as he called out to you from the bed, “aww are you worried for me darling~?” he teased as he watched you come back from the bathroom after changing.

“Shut up. I just don’t want your work to be sloppy Jungwon” you say with an annoyed tone meeting his light gaze with a serious one. Although you knew that he was just trying to lighten the mood and tension. You silently thanked him for it before getting under the sheets.

 ˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

The morning light filtered through the heavy drapes of their hotel room, neither you nor Jungwon was in the mood for sunshine. The air was thick with tension as you reviewed every scrap of information you had gathered the night prior. 

You sat on the couch, your legs tucked under you as you sifted through endless digital files, recordings, and articles. Your hair was in a messy bun and the cup of coffee in your hand trembled slightly from too much caffeine and not enough sleep. Jungwon on the other hand was sprawled in an arm chair. He had seemed to made the decision to not be bothered by any of the events from last night. It frustrated you a bit that you were here busting your ass trying to find something- anything to help the mission and he just sat there. Tossing a stress ball in the air and catching it with a relaxed motion as if the fate of the world wasn’t hanging by a thread. 

“Geez you’ve been hunched over that computer for hours” he drawled as he caught the stress ball lazily and looked up from his impromptu game, “have you even found anything?”

“Well maybe I wouldn’t have to be breaking my back for hours if you just decided to help.” you snapped, your patience wearing dangerously thin. 

“Touchy this morning,” he teased as you clenched your jaw with frustration and annoyance. God- you swore he was the spawn of the devil- “what? Didn’t sleep well huh?”

“How could I? With you snoring like a chainsaw the entire damn night??” you spat back your head practically fuming by now. 

“I do not snore”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” you muttered scrolling through yet another document. 

Jungwon finally decides that he’s done pushing at your limits. He snickers as he stands up stretching like he had been doing some serious work this entire time. “Well maybe if you used common sense you wouldn’t have to be working so hard.” he stated as you were about at the end of your patience and your hands were itching to grab him by his pretty little neck and- “Vienna. Lloyd. Last night. I have to say- I thought with those witty comebacks I thought you would be sharper ___”

Your expression faltered as your mind raced through last night. He’s right.. Lloyd was there. He was whispering about Vienna and not long after the Codex had disappeared into thin air. It was him again. You sighed exasperated, finally getting up from the couch. You wanted to wipe that smirk off his face- you absolutely despised when he was right, “maybe your constant stupidity is starting to rub off on me. Just stop smiling and pack your bags” 

As he stood up too he moved to stand behind you as he placed his hands deliberately on your waist. His voice was low and smug as his breath fanned your skin, “Whatever you say babe… but just once.. Admit I was right sweetheart.” 

The only response he got was a deathly glare from you and his own yelp as you twisted his hands in an awkward angle behind his back, “try something like that again and you won’t live to see next time you’re right.” you scowled with a dangerous voice as he just grinned like an idiot. 

 ˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

The airstrip was alive with activity even in the dead of the night. The soft whine of jet engines and distant echoes of shouted instructions blended with the cold Austrian night. You had surveyed the area already so your movements were calculated. Lloyd had been clear- the Phantom codex was being transported through Vianna tonight, possibly by air. This was your chance to intercept it. 

“We have to move quickly and quietly” you reminded him as you two sneaked through the grounds. You both blended seamlessly into  the dark landscape- just like shadows. 

“I know sweetheart, don’t worry I got it” Jungwon replied and you could hear the teasing smirk in his voice. You groaned internally at the way his sweet nicknames made your cheeks warm. Thank god for the cover of the night. 

As you two approached the dimly lit hangar at the far end of the airstrip, your sharp eyes caught movement- a group of armed men were unloading a sleek black case from a private jet. Your heart rate sped up. The Codex. 

“Bingo,” you whispered, pointing towards the hangar. But before you could say anything further, Jungwon covered your mouth pulling you behind the metal walls of a storage unit. You let out a muffed protest as your eyes widened.

You couldn’t help but notice the way that Jungwon was pressed flush against you. He had you pinned to the wall as he held a finger to your lips. You could hear his heart beat and his warmth reached you through the gear you both wore. His scent was a subtle one but comforting in a way. “Shhh, look-” Jungwon said in a hushed tone as you followed his gaze. There he was. Ebony Lloyd. He was getting off the jet that had been parked in the same hangar from where the codex had been extracted. He had tall burly men flanking both his sides as he made his way to a black van. He was close- way too close. You could practically smell his strong and obnoxious cologne from all the way over here. 

If you two just stayed quiet and didn’t make a sound- CRUNCH!!. Shit. You accidentally shifted against Jungwon as you boots made a small sound on the gravel that was far too loud for the quiet night. Lloyd had a sickening smirk on his face as he made his way over to the two of you. You cursed under your breath as Jungwon stepped away from you, now facing him. 

“Well well, would you look at that? The lovebirds and the world’s most dysfunctional duo!!” Lloyd drawled on as he voice was low and condescending. 

You hated him too- not to misunderstand. But Jungwon had an entirely different fight to pick with him. Lloyd had a way of getting under his skin just like how Jungwon gets under yours. Jungwon was proud no matter how much he protested it. Lloyd had bruised his ego way too many times. You had to give it to him he was smart- that’s the only reason you ever lost. Its because he was always one step ahead. Jungwon detested him entirely. You could already see his rigid body language and clenched fists. Jungwon was practically fuming- this was something both Lloyd and you could see. And Lloyd took great pleasure in it. 

“Jungwon… don’t. He’s testing you.” you clenched your own fists. You knew Lloyd and his love for mind games. But tonight the two of you had no time for his little game. The Codex was right there- so close. 

But Jungwon ignored you. His teeth clenched as he stormed forward before you could stop him. “And you-” he seethed with his eyes cold and hard, “you little bastard. Got your sights on the Codex huh? Needed something more to show off to your pathetic little mistress? Couldn’t please her or your wife?” 

“Oh stop acting so high and mighty jungwon. You can’t seem to win over your pretty little partner’s heart so don’t go insulting my love life.” He chuckled arrogantly. The statement really seemed to strike a chord in Jungwon. “These harsh words aren’t from lingering feelings about Milan right? Or was it Budapest? Or maybe… Dubai? You’ve lost so many times I’ve lost track.” 

“Jungwon no-” you say your voice firm and hard as you eyed the four bodyguards trying to plan your escape. 

But it was far too late. Jungwon snapped. Without a word he surged even closer towards Lloyd. 

“Dammit it Jungwon.” you hissed desperately as you scrambled to follow him. 

The two men collided, Jungwon’s fist connected with Lloyd’s jaw as a sickening crack rang out. The criminal staggered backwards and his bodyguards were quick to react as they rained down punches on Jungwon. You quickly lept into action kicking one of them square in the head while landing an uppercut to another ones jaw. You fired two quick shots incapacitating the other two.  

Meanwhile, Jungwon freed himself only to launch back at Lloyd with more rage than before. But the criminal had more tricks up his sleeve. Quite literally!! He pulled a knife from his coat as they grappled. The fight was taking the two dangerously close to another jet’s running engines. Jungwon’s back thudded onto the flight’s metal body. Lloyd landed another strike but this time slashing Jungwon with his knife- drawing blood. Jungwon was too far gone to care at that moment. Lloyd landed one final cut to his abdomen as Jungwon fell to the tarmac. 

You saw it happed with your own two eyes. The Codex. It had been loaded onto the plane. Lloyd smiled satisfied at the way Jungwon was trying hard to recover. “Jungwon!!” your voice rang out as you lunged for him. You caught him just in time. The two of you scrambled out of the way as the jet made its way down the runway. 

There it was- gone once again, and that too in the hands of Lloyd.

˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

The tension in your vienna hotel room was suffocating. You paced in front of the window, your arms crossed, your face the mask of frustration. Jungwon sat on the bed, one hand on his cut arm and the other on his abdomen, both trying to nurse the gashes on his body. You were fuming and it only added fuel to the fire that your heart was telling you to help Jungwon with his injuries. 

“You completely lost control!!” you snapped instead, whirling around to face him. “We had the Codex right there, and you threw it away- for what?!? A grudge match?”

Jungwon sighed leaning against the the headboard. He was tired and annoyed himself, you could tell. “Lloyd needed to be dealt with. He–”

“He got under your skin,” you interrupted, with your voice rising. “And now we’re back to square one because of your ego!!”

Jungwon met your glare with his expression softening which only annoyed you more.  There was a silence that was filled with tension and something else that was better it remained unspoken. You clenched your teeth as you saw the slight hint of a smile playing at the corner his lips. You scoffed to yourself. Why the hell was he smiling?? You just lost one of the most dangerous artifacts to a notorious criminal. This was most definitely not the time to be smiling. “What???” you snapped at him crossing your arms once again. 

“Hm? Oh nothing.. You’re just really cute when you’re mad.” he said in a matter of factly tone. You hated yourself for the way your brain went blank for a good few seconds. You hated the way your cheeks felt warm and your breath hitched for just a moment.

You groaned loudly throwing up your hands in frustration. “Don’t do that! Don’t try to charm your way out of this.”

“Who says I’m trying to charm you? But even if I was.. It looks like its working- no?” he smirks despite the blood trickling from a cut on his lips. His damn lips that curled up even more when he saw your gaze on them. His damn lips that your just wanted to feel against yours- No!! You weren’t distracted by his idiotically plump, soft, and full lips. 

You shot him a look after tearing your gaze away from his lips. Your sharp retort died on your lips when you saw the gash on his arm and abs. Your frustration warred with concern, but, with a heavy sigh, you grabbed the first aid kit from the desk. 

“Take off the gear” you ordered your voice clipped. 

Jungwon had the nerve to raise his eyebrows in mock surprise. “If you wanted to see me shirtless, you could've just asked babe.”

You shot him another deathly glare as you advanced towards him. The faint pink in your cheeks betrayed you as you made him put down the gauze he had in his hands and took his shirt off. Well I mean- you were just a girl after all. His toned muscles and hard lines of his chest and abs. The slight glisten of sweat and the scars that littered his body were so hot… well shit. “Getting distracted sweetheart?” Jungwon teased. You snapped your eyes back up to his face and made sure your gaze was sharp.

“Just hold still” you muttered, dabbing at the cut with disinfectant. Jungwon winced but he didn’t dare pull away. His gaze was trained on you as you worked with your movements precise and efficient. But your hands lingered on his skin for a few too moments too long. The tension was palpable in the air, the unspoken words and heat between the two of you was at its peak. You met his gaze and this time you could read it- but you didn’t want to. You were his partner it was strictly professional. The way your heart beat way too fast gave you away though.

He sliced the tension with a knife when he uttered your name out softly. It lacked any of his arrogance or its usual teasing edge to it. You didn’t look up. Too scared to see what you find if you looked up again. “Don’t Jungwon. Just… don’t.”

He reached out, his fingers gently brushing against your wrist. “I’m sorry,” he said, and for once he sounded sincere. There was undertones of something else too. “I screwed up.” 

You froze, your breath catching at the unexpected vulnerability in his tone. You shivered at his gently touch, it melted away your anger and replaced it with something warmer, something neither of you could name. You took in a shaky breath as you replied, your voice lacking the earlier bite “you did.” 

Jungwon’s lips curved into a faint smile. “But you’re still patching me up. Guess that means you care.”

You rolled your eyes, but the corners of your moth twitched up- fighting back a smile. “Don’t push it.” you warned but your voice had gone soft. 

You fell into a charged silence, the air between you thick with unspoken words. Jungwon’s hand lingered on your wrist, but for once you didn’t pull away. It was dangerous the way your heart raced at his touch. “You’re too reckless,” you whispered, your voice barely audible. 

“And you’re too stubborn,” he replies, his gaze dropping briefly to your lips before returning to your eyes. At that moment you knew you couldn’t lose him. You hate to finally admit it but it was true. All the times he had risked his life to  save you from near death situations, his stupid jokes that lightened up any situation, and his dumb pet names that made you smile every time. You knew you couldn’t lose him- so the least you could do for all those times was forgive him. Just this once. 

You finished patching up his gashes silently before abruptly standing up. You walked to the other side of the hotel room as you set the first aid kit down once again. It was your pathetic attempt at trying your heart to beat normally once again. You turned back to face him- relieving yourself of the weight of your own gear as Jungwon spoke again. “So just to be clear. You weren’t staring at my lips or my abs right? Because then that would mean that you find me-”

“Jungwon!” you cut him off with a stern gaze. But his infuriating, smug, dimple filled smile still remained on his lips as he just shrugs. 

 ˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

After that night in Vienna you couldn’t stop thinking about him- well you always had him on your mind anyway- but something else nagged at you. This Phantom Codex… you knew what it was supposed to do, but it still had a mysterious aura about it. There was something so elusive about this simple piece of tech, and you were determined to find out what. 

That is exactly how you ended up here. In your shared hotel room with your glasses forming dents on your nose, your hands trembling from too much caffeine, and your eyes had deep circles under them that showed how you had been up for far too long. 

I mean you can’t blame yourself- you tried to sleep. You swear you did. But Jungwon’s words and gaze and touch just wouldn’t let you rest. Jungwon groaned as he blinked his eyes open- the bright light of the screen blinding his eyes. “___? You’re kidding me” he stated in a rough and groggy voice. He turned his head as he squinted towards the digital clock. “It’s five A.M. Did you even sleep?”

“Couldn’t” you replied short and distant. “I was too busy doing your job.”

“Ah, there it is- the sharp tongue of my favorite partner” he said with a smile in his tone as he heaved his body- still marred with the gashes from before- into a sitting position. “Morning to you too, sweetheart”

You gave him a glare over your shoulder, but the deep circles under your eyes betrayed your exhaustion. “Don’t even start with me Jungwon. I’ve been piecing intel while you’ve been snoring away again.” 

“I do not snore,” he insisted indignantly, crossing his arms as he leaned against the headboard. 

“Oh, trust me you do. After all these years of sharing a hotel room, you most definitely do.” You turned back to your screen, muttering under your breath, “it’s like trying to sleep next to a freight train.” 

He just rubbed the back of his neck as he sighed in fake and exaggerated. He watched as you typed away, the sounds of your fingers dancing along the keys an insistent sound in the room. In an amused but concerned tone he prodded, “What are you even looking at?” 

“The Codex.” your voice was clipped. But there was an edge of something else— anxiety and nervousness. “I hacked into one of Lloyd’s encrypted files. I think I found a list of targets who apparently know something about the Codex.” 

He nodded as he shifter closer to look over your shoulder at the screen. “Okay, thats progress. But… why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?” he questioned carefully. 

Your fingers stilled on the keyboard and your body tensed. You took a deep breath before meeting his eyes, your expression guarded but your voice trembling just slightly, “My… My sister.. Her name is on his list.” you declare. Your brain was a mess even if you didn’t let it show. She was your sister, the few people in this cutthroat world that you loved and trusted blindly. 

The air in the room seemed to thickened. Jungwon’s teasing smirk disappeared as he processed your shaky words. “Your sister?”

“She’s a target,” you said, your voice cracking despite an effort to stay composed. “I don’t know why or- or what they want from her, but–” you stopped, shaking your head as you pinched the bridge of your nose. Scared of just the thought or Lloyd targeting your sister or losing her entirely. “If we don’t get the Codex back, she’s in danger. I can’t– I can’t let that happen” you looked at him with scared and vulnerable eyes. This was the first time you let this happen. The first time you opened up to him. 

He moved closer to you as he placed a comforting hand on your shoulder. “___, hey. Listen to me.” 

Reluctantly, you lifted your eyes to his.

“We’ll get it back,” he said firmly, his voice steady and unwavering. “I swear to you. We’ll find the Code, and we’ll protect your sister.”

“You don’t understand,” you said, your voice barely above a whisper. Your eyes distant as you thought about the horrifying possibilities of what might happen. “This isn’t just another mission anymore. Its personal.”

“I know,” Jungwon said, his tone softening. “And that’s why we’re going to win this. Because when it comes to you and the people you care about.. I swear to you- I would rather die than fail.” 

You blinked at him, caught off guard by the rare sincerity in his voice. For a moment time slowed and the truth behind his voice rang clearer. The unspoken weight of his words weighed heavy on your shoulders. It was nice. It was nice to know that he would be there, even when times were tough or uncertain. He spoke with a promise that didn’t waver at all. His presence was firm and steady. It grounded you even as doubt filled your mind. You knew that from the countless successful missions you two had accomplished, that with him- anything was possible.

“You’re such an idiot,” you muttered, brushing past the lump in your throat and rapidly blinking trying not to show your vulnerability even more. 

“Then its a shame that you’re stuck with me isn’t it?” Jungwon replied with a smile tugging at his lips. “Now, come on. You need to sleep before you collapse on me.” 

“I’m fine.” you insisted stubbornly, standing up and brushing past him. 

“‘I’m fine’ my ass,” Jungwon drawled, following you despite the pain his body faced when he moved. “Just like I’m the best hacker in this partnership.” 

“You? Hacker? Yeah right- since when??” you show back with your usual sharpness returning to your voice. 

He grinned like an idiot and his dreamy dimples made another appearance. “There she is. I was worried the all-nighter had turned you into a zombie.”

You rolled your eyes but the hint of a smile on your lips was still clear as day. 

Later that evening, after hours of futile attempts to trace the codex’s whereabouts and Jungwon’s incessant nagging, you finally slumped onto the hotel bed, your exhaustion catching up to you. Jungwon walked to you from the kitchen a glass of water in his hand.

“Drink,” he said, holding it out to you.

“I’m fine,” you protested though your voice was hoarse. As much as you silently appreciated his comfort and care, you didn’t need to be coddled by your annoyance of a partner. 

He said said your name in a stern tone of voice that left no room for argument. You sighed but took the glass of water, considering your pounding headache from looking at the computer screen all day, it was the right thing to do. Your fingers brushed his for just a moment too long. “Thanks” you muttered out. 

He sat next to you, his usual cockiness replaced by a quiet concern. “You know” he started, “for someone who calls me reckless, you’re not exactly great at taking care of yourself.” 

You scoffed, “Takes one to know one.”

He chuckled lightly his head shaking at your retort even with the pounding in your head. “Fair.” 

The silence that followed wasn’t really uncomfortable, but it was definitely charged with something you both refused to acknowledge. You stared down at the glass in your hands. Your mind still running in overdrive with worry for your sister, the Codex, and the precarious line that you and Jungwon seem to be walking on. This dangerous pull that lulled you both towards one another that you just danced around. 

“You’re too good at this,” you said your tone suddenly softer and quieter. “At making me feel like everything’s gonna be okay,” you admit with your cheeks warming as you turn your head, avoiding his gaze. You sigh as you continued on, trying to lighten the mood, “I guess there is one single thing that you’re good at. Sweet talking your way out of messes?” 

“Out of messes? Oh please darling- my sweet talking has a much greater purpose- like sweet talking my way into sitting on the same bed as you.” he pretending to sigh dreamily as the sparkle of amusement didn’t leave his eye, “wow~ what an honor.”

This led to you pushing him off the edge of the bed and trying to contain your laughter as he landed with a big thud. He let out a yelp as he rubbed his back, the big boba eyes he gave you only worked on those girls at parties. “How about you start trying to sweet talk your way into me not beating your ass?” you say with an amused but genuine smile. He huffed in defeat as he stalked his way over to the couch. You couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle. 

“Goodnight sweetheart~” you mocked him as he silently flipped you off. 

˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

The streets of Tokyo buzzed with life, the neon lights casting a kaleidoscope of colors over the bustling city. The air was filled with noises of children, adults, and automobiles. It was freezing cold in the night and you could see your breath in front of you, coming out in a cold white fog. You trailed a step behind Jungwon, your arms crossed as you watched him survey the surroundings with an air of practiced nonchalance. The two of you made your way to the looming but sleek and modern hotel. Of course it was a five star experience in Tokyo, only the best for the two best agents. 

“You’re unusually quiet,” Jungwon remarked, glancing over his shoulder at you. You couldn’t help but groan internally at the situation. And also at the fact that no man should look that ridiculously good with his hair messy and blowing in the wind. 

“Just trying to figure out how we ended up in this situation,” you muttered with annoyance as you shifted the bag on your shoulder. 

“Acting like a couple?” he smirked, pushing the tall glass door open for you. “Don’t pretend like you’re not enjoying it.”

You stepped into the threshold with a sharp glare pointed at him. You had to hide the fast pace of your heart somehow, “You’re delusional.”

The hotel lobby was elegant and the chandelier shimmered in all the hotel’s elegance. The ambient lighting and soft jazz music filled the space. You took note of the huge glass windows that could be a possible threat. The receptionist looked at the two of you with a practiced smile which widened when she laid eyes on Jungwon. You didn’t really know why but it made you roll your eyes. 

“Reservation under Park and Nakamura,” Jungwon said in his usual arrogant and cocky tone of voice. You couldn’t help but be more pissed at his voice but also find it a bit endearing as well. It was something you looked up to, he had a certain way with his words and it always worked somehow. 

“Ah yes of course, I’ll be sure to get your bags up to your room. Anything else you needed help with?” the girl at the desk batted her long eyelashes at Jungwon and it made you annoyed even more. Why, though? It's not like you had some weird feelings for your idiotic spy partner or something. 

“Oh no that’s quite alright, me and my boyfriend can carry our bags up to the room ourselves.” you smiled at her patronizingly. You had to try really hard to ignore Jungwon’s stupid smirk as you lugged the bags to the elevator.

“Boyfriend? Staking your claim sweetheart?” he asked smugly as he struggled to carry the bigger bag towards the elevator. “Besides, why did you stop her?? Now we have to break our backs trying to get these bags into our rooms.” he said as he huffed, putting the bag down for a second to catch his breath. 

“Did you want her to discover the Glock 19 stowed in our bags?” you asked in a mocking tone. You didn’t know exactly why you were so on edge from just a simple look Jungwon had received, but you felt as though from recent events.. You and Jungwon had started to walk down a dangerous path that none of you were ready to acknowledge. 

You opened the lock with a bit more force than necessary. The hotel suite was spacious, with a panoramic view of the Tokyo skyline. But your heart truly dropped as your bags slipped out of your hands when your view zeroed-in on the centerpiece of the room. The king-sized bed. You shook your head immediately as you spun to face his already wide grinning face. “No way. Absolutely not. There is no way in hell I am sharing that.”

Jungwon with the most aggravating smile quirked one of his eyebrows, “What’s the problem? Afraid you’ll be tempted?” he asked with a hint of a laugh in his voice. 

“In your dreams,” you shot back. You were not just about to expose yourself completely by sleeping in the same bed as him and then failing miserably to contain your idiotic emotions. No damn way.

“I’m just saying,” he said as he tossed his bags to the side. He jumped onto the pristine sheets, ruining them completely. “We need to look convincing, even in the hotel. The staff might be watching.”

You scowled. He was right, you both were well aware of the fact that Lloyd had his men lurking everywhere. “Fine. But if you so much as cross to my side of the bed, I swear-”

“Relax,” Jungwon interrupted, his hands up in a mock display of surrender. “I’ll stay on my side of the bed. Unless you wanted me to-” 

“Don’t finish that sentence.” 

˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

You two were in Tokyo just because Mrs. Kwon had heard some rumors of the Codex here. There wasn’t any real evidence, but Mrs. Kwon was desperate. So for now the two of you just had to lay low and try to find anything more about the whereabouts of the dangerous piece of tech. That's the reason you couldn’t quite wrap your head around why Jungwon was parading the two of you around the hotel with his hand resting gently on your waist. Well you couldn’t really wrap your head around anything at the moment with how Jungwon’s fingers were softly brushing against your skin. “Remind me why I agreed to this?” you sighed as you forced the warmth in your cheeks to retreat.

“To keep up appearances sweetheart,” Jungwon whispered with his tone low and teasing, as his thumb rubbed absent minded circles on your skin, which only made your mind spiral even more. He had insisted that being stuck in your room all day reviewing the same five documents wouldn’t do you any good. So now you are here doing ‘bonding activities’ with your despised partner. 

“I’m going to kill you one day,” you murmured through a tight lipped grin. 

“Is that a challenge princess?” Jungwon asked a bit too loudly as you passed the receptionist once more. For some twisted reason this gave you satisfaction as you continued walking through the lobby. You couldn’t resist shooting her a devilish glance. 

Still though, you forced yourself to keep up your act. “Lay it on any thicker and they’ll drown in it.” you hissed through gritted teeth. 

You spent the entire rest of the day ‘bonding’ with Jungwon. But it was the small moments that caught you off guard. One of them was when you two were playing pool. He insisted that your posture was just offensive to the game. So he made a show of holding your arm as his strong chest pressed against your back. His breath lingered on your neck as his other hand rested on your waist once again. “Like this sweetie,” he muttered, his voice deep and velvety, as he paid no attention to the pool, his eyes only on your face, as if trying to memorize every little scar and contour. Your heart and mind were both unwell. They were working overtime trying desperately to process any of what was happening. 

Another time he had you on your toes was when you were mid reach about to strangle him. The two of you were spending time in the arcade and as both of your personalities would permit it. The competitive streak was at another level entirely. So you were at your wit’s end when he interrupted your focus again as you concentrated on smashing the moles wherever they popped up. You had given him a fair amount of warning but you were running out of patience and points because you insisted on a rematch every time. A couple had strolled in and they were just about to take in the sight of you committing homicide. But before you could move you were pressed back against the machine with your arms unknowingly wrapped around his neck. “Play along if you don’t want to get caught ___.” he whispered, tightening his grip around your torso. You tried not to let the hammering of your heart and heat in your skin give you away. 

The moment the couple had left you pushed him off but the smirk on his face didn’t budge. 

When dinner came around you two had decided to eat at a fancy restaurant. But you cursed Jungwon as he smiled smugly at you. Obviously he was the center of attention for everyone there, so you couldn’t even curse him out without blowing your cover. He was taking full advantage of it though. “Say ‘ahh’ babe~” he cooed, holding up the spoon to your mouth. You rolled your eyes discreetly before you let him feed you. But before he could get too smug you sharply stepped on his foot from under the table. After all, you couldn’t let him think you were succumbing to his stupid flirting. You hid the smirk behind a glass of wine as you sipped it innocently while he glared at you from across the table.

It was late at night now. Even the beautiful city of Tokyo had dimmed its lights and gone to sleep. But you and Jungwon just couldn’t rest. Mrs. Kwon wanted answers and she wanted the Codex even faster. But after Jungwon had tired you out the entire day, the documents looked like they were from some other alien language. Your eyes were half lidded and bleary from the need to sleep. 

You were just about to reach for the jug of coffee when Jungwon’s own sleepy voice called out to you. “Absolutely not. Hands off. Do you want a caffeine overdose?” he asked as he got up and took the jug away from you. You let a loud whine fall from your lips as you shot him a glare. You hate when he was right. But before you could shoot back at him with a snarky response, it all happened.

Both of you heard the footsteps from outside the door. Your head snapped up mid scroll. “Did you hear that?” you asked in a hushed whisper. The two of you were already in action though. You shoved the important files, weapons, and gear into your bag. Jungwon tossed you your gun as the two of you crouched behind the bed. The footfalls of the people outside were far too heavy and far too deliberate to be of normal guests. 

“How did they find us??” Jungwon hissed as he reloaded his gun quietly. The footsteps paused and you took a deep breath before the chaos started. 

The explosion rattled the room as the heavy wooden door came flying down. Splinters flew across the room like shrapnel, and you barely managed to miss the lamp that flew past you, shattering on the ground. 

“Down!!” Jungwon yelled as the hail of bullets followed quickly. He dove towards you just in time before the air filled with gunfire. 

Lloyd’s men poured into the room by the dozen. Their movements were swift and calculated but you two were like a well oiled machine. Nothing could stop Jungwon’s instinct and your precise aim. 

Jungwon fired the shots, taking out the lead man with two clean hits to the chest. You rolled out from behind the bed, your gun steady in your hands as you aimed at the intruders. You picked the men off like birds on a wire, one by one with deadly accuracy. 

“Left!” you shouted, and Jungwon pivoted, shooting the man who was trying to flank you.

“Nice call,” he said, his voice tight before he ducked for cover again.

You didn’t respond., your focus entirely on the men in front of you. One of them charged at you, his gun jammed, but you dropped him like a fly with one well placed kick to the chest, before you finished him off entirely with a shot. 

“Watch out!!” Jungwon’s voice cut through the chaos and you turn just in time to see a man tossing a grenade towards the center of the room. 

Your heart froze. You thought this was the end. 

But Jungwon was faster.

He lunged, grabbing your arm and pulling you against his chest as your back hit the wall of the far corner of the room. The grenade exploded a second later, the blast shaking the entire suite. Glass shattered, furniture splintered, and a cloud of smoke and debris filled the air. 

Your ears rang, and your vision blurred with tears as you struggled to breathe through the dust. You realized your head was pressed against Jungwon’s chest as he wrapped his arms tightly around you. When you looked up to see his distressed expression it's like you were looking at an angel. The sparks and gunshots whizzed behind him, there was a bleeding cut on his cheek, and his heart was racing. But in this life threatening moment all you could see was him. 

“Jungwon…” you said, your voice barely audible over the ringing in your ears. 

“I’m fine,” he said, though his voice was strained. But in all the chaos, you could see the bullet that was lodged in his arm. He grimaced as he moved to shoot more men that tried to advance.

“You’re hit,” you said with a trembling voice as the sight of his blood made you sick to the stomach. 

“It’s nothing,” he replied, wincing as he moved, pulling you up to your feet. “We’re not done yet.”

More men surged into the room, but your initial shock and fear quickly transformed into fury. God when you got your hands on Lloyd… You grabbed your gun that had slid out of reach when the explosion rattled. You fired with precision, covering him as he pressed his hand to the wound. He winced at the sight of his own crimson blood as you shot down three more men. The room was a mess of bodies, blood, and debris. 

“We need to move!” you shouted, helping Jungwon up as he grabbed the bag. 

Jungwon scanned the room. The floor was unstable because of the explosion, more of Lloyd’s men just kept filling in through the door, so the only escape was.. “Window,” he said. 

You both ran towards the large glass pane just as another explosion rocked the suite. Jungwon kicked out the window, the glass shattered into a million pieces. “Out,” he ordered.

“What abou-” 

“Now!!” 

You hesitated but still climbed onto the narrow ledge. Jungwon followed, his movements slower but determined despite his injury. You both got out just in time before another explosion rocked the building. The rain was pouring down in sheets. The slick surface of the ledge made every step even more treacherous than the last. But you two made your way to the emergency fire escape. 

You two raced down the long dangerous steps as you covered Jungwon, shooting at the men who tried to pursue and pulling Jungwon when bullets whizzed onto the metal of the staircase. As soon as you were on the wet pavement, your hotel room burst into flames. 

Bullets licked your heels as you narrowly avoided death, making a run towards a bike parked on the side of the road. You immediately got to work, hotwiring the bike as fast as you could. While Jungwon clutched his arm but still covered you with fierce determination. 

“Get on!” you yelled, though you couldn’t hear much over your heart racing in your ears. You and Jungwon quickly sped away into the maze of streets. You rode like a maniac, avoiding cars by just small fractions of millimeters. The shouts echoed behind you but before Lloyd’s men could even rev the engine of their cars, you were gone. 

˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

The rain still lashed against the window of the safe house, the dim light of a single lamp casting long shadows across the room. The air was quiet but filled to the brim with tension. You sat on the edge of the couch, your hands tightly clasped in your lap. Your mind swirled with worry. Your sister’s face flashed in your thoughts- innocent, unsuspecting, completely unaware of the danger the Phantom Codex posed to her. She was a high ranking government official, both of your lives were forced to be kept secrets from each other. Yet the bond you shared with her was unbreakable and eternal. And she was only in more and more danger, if anything, the ambush today showed just how open Lloyd was being with his attempts. It showed… just how ruthless he could be. 

And Jungwon… he had risked his life, gotten shot all for you. He sat across from you, his injured arm freshly bandaged after extracting the bullet and disinfecting the wound. His posture was more relaxed, the chaos had taken a toll on him too but he handled it like it was a normal Tuesday. His eyes watch you, sharp gaze softened by concern. 

“You’re too quiet,” he said finally, his voice breaking the heavy silence. 

You looked up at him, your lips pressing into a thin line. “What do you want me to say, Jungwon? That I’m fine? That everything’s okay?” you shook your head, your hands tightening into fists. “Because it’s not. My sister is in danger, we just got ambushed by Lloyd’s men, and you–” your voice caught and you looked away.

“Me?” Jungwon prompted, leaning forward despite the strain it put on his arm. 

You couldn’t live with the thought. The horrifying thought that… you could have lost him. You stupid, idiotic, funny, loyal, and annoyingly handsome partner. How could you live with yourself if his dimpled smile wasn’t there to brighten any situation? How could you live with yourself if his grounding presence wasn’t there to calm you before missions? How could you… live without him? 

Your voice was trembling now. “You could have died. Do you even understand that? If you hadn’t pulled me away from that grenade–” you cut yourself off, exhaling sharply. 

He whispered your name, but you wouldn’t hear it.

“No, let me finish,” you said, your voice rising. “You threw yourself in harm’s way without even thinking, and I–” you buried your face in your hands, your body quivering like you had been reduced to some little girl- not a world class spy. “I can’t lose you. Not like this. Not when we’re so close, and when I still–” 

He was in front of you before you could finish, he was crouching despite the sharp pain in his arm. He placed his hands gently on yours as he pried them away from your face. You met his gaze and it was sharp, like he could see to the depths of your soul.

“Hey,” he said softly, his voice steady. “I’m not going anywhere. Do you hear me? I’m right here, and we’re going to get that Codex. For your sister. For you. For us. But you’ve got to stop thinking the worst, or you’re going to drive yourself crazy.” 

Your lower lip quivered but you nodded still. He was trying his hardest to comfort you, so despite the gnawing fear and doubt in your mind you believed him. Because when he was here with you, it felt like nothing in this world was impossible. Your eyes shimmered with tears, you refused to let fall, “You can't keep scaring me like this Jungwon.”

“I’ll try,” he said, his signature smirk softening into something more vulnerable and sincere. “But I’m not going to apologize for keeping you safe.” 

You stared at him for a long moment, the weight of his words sinking in. He had done what he did, to protect you, he put his life on the line because he cared for you. Then something inside you broke– no, shifted. Before you could process what you were doing and meticulously overthink the consequences, your hands gripped the front of his shirt, and you kissed him.

It wasn’t soft or hesitant like the previous brushes of affection the two of you had. This kiss was deep, desperate, and full of the emotions that they two of you had buried for years. It was full of that desire that the two of you had danced around for so long. Your fingers curled tighter into his shirt, as though afraid he might disappear. He responded just as fiercely, his hands coming up to cradle your face, careful to avoid the still-tender bruises. 

You couldn’t pull back from him- not until your last breath. Just like he had stood by your side promising to protect you till his last breath. But you had to when the air in your lungs ran out. Your forehead rested against each other as your breath came out in pants, mingling with his in the quiet room. 

“I can’t lose you Jungwon.” you whispered out between pants. And this time when you looked into his deep brown eyes, you could finally decipher what they said. They declared his love and fear of losing you. But this time you didn’t dance around it. You faced the emotions head on, because now you finally had someone to love. 

“Don’t get all mushy on me now sweetheart,” he said with a hint of his signature smirk in his voice, that now seemed to be something you could rely on no matter what. 

Whatever this is, it isn’t perfect- far from it. But it's something that has been inevitable since you first saw the black haired man with his big boba eyes. And for a moment the tension lifted, and neither of you pulled away. You two stayed like that- close, vulnerable, and finally honest. It wasn’t easy and it definitely wasn’t perfect but it was real. And you knew that whatever came next, you would face it together. 

˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Whispers of the underworld led you to this shining city. Monaco. But it wasn’t a whispering voice that had threatened you. No- Lloyd’s voice was firm and dangerous. ’You think your petty little agency will be able to protect your precious sister? I know where she is, I will get her- so have fun with your little lover boy while it lasts.’ and that's when the radio message had cut off. 

Your agency was keeping your sister in lockdown. Apparently she knew something about a key? The key to unlock the Phantom Codex. Not just Lloyd but every criminal was racing to find her. You weren’t naive though. You knew there was only so much the agency could do. Criminals had their resources and they would stop at nothing for power. 

That’s the reason your body was so tense as you leaned against the railing of the balcony. The shimmering city with its population of only the world’s most elite was alive this evening. The luxury and sports cars were lined up in front of the Casino de Monte Carlo. You had a clear view of the location where the Phantom Codex would be held. Lloyd apparently hadn’t let it out of his sight since the moment he got his hands on it. He had kept moving so no one could track him and steal his prized possession. Tonight he was here, and you had your sights set on it. Lloyd had no business with your sister and her information about the key if he didn’t have the Codex itself. 

You practically jumped out of your skin when you felt his hands snaking around your waist. You grew even tenser before letting yourself bask in the way his lips moved slowly down your neck towards your shoulder. You weren’t accustomed to his affection but you had to say you weren’t complaining.

“You’re tense sweetheart,” he murmured when his mouth was right next to your ear. His breath fanning your skin, sent shivers down your spine. 

“You were there Jungwon, he’s threatening her. My sister’s life is on the line..” you say as you stop his roaming hands. You had a really important mission to complete tonight. But he looked so damn irresistible when he stepped in front of you with the top buttons of his shirt undone, his sleeves rolled up to his elbow, and his smirk on his pretty lips. 

“Baby, you have to trust that the agency will do their part,” he said as his hands remained on your hips, his thumbs tracing small soothing circles. 

“You know that bastard Jungwon. He has the resources and the nerve, if we don’t get the Codex this time then its not only going to be my sister-” 

Jungwon rested his hands on your cheeks as he tilted your head so you looked him in the eyes. “Hey. We’re not losing. Not yet. And not ever. You’ve got me, okay? I won’t let anything happen to her– or you.”

The rational part of you wanted to argue, to remind him that you’d already failed too many times, but the way he looked at you, so steady so sure. It made the rational side of you crumble as you believed his promise. Before you could say another word, he leaned down, pressing a soft reassuring kiss to your lips. 

You stiffened in surprise once again, still not used to this gentler side of Jungwon. It was worlds apart from the cocky, aggravating partner you had grown used to. And yet, you resolve softened as you kissed him back, a reluctant smile tugging at your lips when he pulled away.

“I’m telling you, I should be handed an award or something- no normal person can get you to shut up as fast as me,” he teased, his familiar grin returning. 

You rolled your eyes but the faint color in your cheeks gave you away. “You’re insufferable.”

“And yet, you kissed me anyway.”

Before you could retort, the shrill beeping of the burner phone you’d been using for intercepting communication interrupted you. Jungwon let his hands drop from your cheeks as he grabbed it. His face grew serious as he watched the small screen. 

He held up the phone for you to see, “Lloyd is on the move,” he muttered, snapping the phone shut. “Looks like our Codex is on the move too.”

You nodded, already slipping into your professional mode. “Let’s go.” 

˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

The two of you were past all of the excitement and precarious bets of the casino, instead you were pressed behind a pillar. Lloyd and another criminal seemed to be having a meeting, maybe an alliance over the most powerful artifact in the world?

The air was filled with quiet but incriminating chatter as the two gave practiced smiles to each other. This was obviously going to end badly. So you planned to get the Codex and slip out before either of them noticed it was gone. It was almost time that the two powerful men would get up from the table to move to the bar. There was a sliver of opportunity when the Codex would be brought out by one of Lloyd’s men. Like you mentioned before- he wouldn’t let it out of his sight.

That would be the prime time where you could steal it right out of his dangerous hands and he wouldn’t even know till much later. That was the plan. The easiest, most simple plan. But there went Jungwon, with his killer instinct.

Right as the two men were about to move to the bar, some idiot criminal from the smaller leagues decided to get involved. You almost jumped in joy, this was perfect. All the focus was trained on that idiot and you and Jungwon could just slip in, get the Codex, and get out. You turned to tell Jungwon about the new plan- but when you turned to face him he was gone. 

You cursed internally, you knew this would happen. Jungwon and his instinct, his need to do the right thing, his stupid moral compass. The criminal’s legs shook as he realized what a grave mistake he had made storming into the lion’s den. Jungwon though, didn’t seem to see the bigger picture. He stepped out from behind the marble pillar, his gun poised, he shot the two bodyguards that had the criminal in their grasp. 

The criminal made a run for it but now the bullets rained onto you two. You forgot all about the Codex, in your mind now only one thought rang clear. Protect Jungwon. You lunged for him, pulling him back behind the pillar to shield him from the shower of hurt. 

The men started making their way up the stairs but you were too fast. You grabbed Jungwon’s hand and pulled him behind you as you two ran for the window. The fall hurt, but not enough to forget the imminent danger the two of you would be in if you stayed here for any longer. You made a run for it and Jungwon wasn’t far behind. You were already fuming, this lead was very hard to find. It might even be your last one. Your last chance to protect your sister… After today’s events you knew Lloyd would try even harder to get to your sister. He didn’t want anything to hinder his progress to harness the power of the Codex.

˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

In the hotel room you were done. You had worked night and day for that lead, for what?? For Jungwon to help some charity case of a criminal? The tension followed the two of you inside like an unwanted guest. Every inch of you was radiating fury. Jungwon walked in behind you, quiet for once, knowing that the storm was about to hit. 

“You have got to be kidding me,” you snapped, spinning around to face him. Your voice was sharp and your eyes set ablaze. “What were you thinking, Jungwon?!?”

He sighed, running a hand through his disheveled hair. “I couldn’t just leave him there. He would’ve been killed.” 

“And because of that, we lost the Codex. Again!” you shot back, your voice ringing. The fear of losing your sister was becoming far too real for your liking and right now- the only person to blame in your mind was Jungwon. “Do you even realize what’s at stake here? Do you even care?”

“Of course I care!” he said, his voice finally rising to meet yours. “But I’m not going to stand by and watch someone die if I can stop it.” 

You laughed bitterly, throwing your hands into the air. “Great! You’re a hero. Congratulations!! Meanwhile Lloyd’s probably halfway across the world with the Codex. And you say that you can’t stand by and watch someone die?? Well that’s about to be my sister, and while you play the hero, I can’t even be there to save her life!” 

Jungwon stepped closer, his jaw tight. “You think I don’t care about your sister? About the Codex? About you?”

“Actions speak louder than words Jungwon,” you said, your voice trembling with anger. “And your actions tonight told me that you’d rather play savior than focus on what actually matters.”

“Don’t you dare,” he said, his voice low and dangerous now. “Don’t you dare stand there and act like I don’t care. I’ve been right here with you, every step of the way. I’m the one who pulled you out of that explosion last week. I’m the one who's been patching you up after every mission.” 

“And I’m the one who’s trying to keep us focused,” you snapped back. “You think I don’t see how reckless you are? How every time you're the one lets something slip, who makes us lose our lead?”

Jungwon took a step back, your words hitting him like a physical punch to the gut. “I’m doing my best, ___” he said, his voice quieter now but no less tense than before. “I’m not perfect, but I’m trying.”

“Trying isn’t good enough,” you said, your voice cracking. “We take so many lives everyday, it's our job. But you couldn’t let this one criminal die?? Even when my sister’s life is on the line??!” 

There was a long pause, the weight of your words settling heavily between you two. 

“You think I don’t know that?” he said finally. His voice was painstakingly raw. “You think I don’t feel that pressure every second of every day? That I don’t know if I screw up one more time, it’s all over?” 

“Then why the hell do you keep screwing up?” you asked, your voice breaking now. You knew you were being unfair but you couldn't really bring yourself to care at the moment. 

Jungwon looked away, his hands clenching at his sides. “Because I’m human, ___. I make mistakes. And yeah maybe I let my heart get in the way sometimes, but I’m not going to apologize for that.”

You laughed bitterly, shaking your head. “Your heart? Is that what we’re calling it now??” 

“Yes,” he said firmly, stepping closer again. “Because whether you want to admit it or not, I care about people. I care about you. And I’m sorry if that gets messy sometimes, but it's the truth.”

You froze, your breath catching. He cared… he cared for you. For a moment, you looked like you might say something but instead, you turned away, pressing your hands to your face. Rubbing your temple in frustration. 

“This isn’t about me,” you said after a long pause, your voice muffled.

“No, it’s not,” he agreed. “It’s about us. About the mission. About everything we’ve been through together. And if you think for one second that I don’t care as much as you do, then you don’t know me at all.”

You dropped your hands, turning back once again to face him. Your eyes  were glossy, your anger had faded away into something more vulnerable. “I don’t know if I did the right thing. I don’t know if kissing you was right. And I don’t know if I can keep doing this,” you said quietly. 

Jungwon was stunned for a bit, but he spoke again, his voice softer now. “You can. And you will. Because you’re the strongest person I know. And because I’ve got your back, no matter what.” 

You shook your head, a stray tear escaping and slipping down your cheek. “You could’ve died tonight Jungwon. And for what? A stranger?”

“No, for doing the right thing.” He said simply.

You stared at him for a long moment, your emotions warred within you. Your undeniable care and love for Jungwon, and your worry for your sister and the millions of lives at stake. Finally you sighed, your shoulders slumping. “I don’t even know what to say to you right now.”

“Then don’t say anything,” he said, stepping closer and gently reaching out to take your hand in his own. “Just trust me. Please.”

You couldn’t help the way your breath hitched yet again at his touch. You didn’t pull away, but you didn’t look at him either, closing your eyes and breathing slowly. “I’m tired of losing, Jungwon.”

His grip on your hand tightened. He felt some hope flicker within him. “We’re not going to lose. Not you, not your sister, not this mission. I promise you.”

You finally opened your eyes and met his eyes. They were desperate and apologetic. Your heart made your gaze soften and the tension eased for just a moment. But just as fast, you pulled your hand away, your brain taking over now. You were never too good at thinking with your heart anyway.

“Get some rest,” you said, your voice steadier but colder now. “We’ve got some serious work to do.”

You could almost see his heart shatter. But he didn’t say anything, he just watched as you walked farther away. Farther away from whatever you two had started, farther away from his grasp, farther from these complicated emotions. He sighed, running a hand through his hair again. 

“Good talk,” he muttered to himself before slumping onto the couch, the weight of the mission— and your fractured partnership– weighing heavily on him. 

˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

You woke up in a daze as the incessant ringing of your laptop startled you out of your subconscious. You groaned as you sat up, the digital clock showed 4 A.M. You heaved your laptop from the bedside table and opened it. It showed a contact that looked suspiciously like… your sister??

You were suddenly wide awake as you accepted the call. “Hello? Sora? Is that you..?” you whispered. It looked like your sister, but her surroundings were dimly lit and she looked pale. Concern shot up inside you. “A-are you okay? Where is the agency keeping you?”

She was breathing hard, she looked around agitated, “Hey sis, slow down slow down. I’m okay- but I don’t have much time. I found something… about your Mrs. Kwon.”

You furrowed your eyebrows, Mrs. Kwon? Well she had been acting a bit on edge but this was a huge mission. Your voice wavered at her cautious tone and your chest tightened. “What’s wrong? And Sora, where are you? Did something happen?”

Sora hesitated before whispering, “I’m okay, I’m escaping from where the agency kept me. But Mrs. Kwon.. she’s planning to use it for herself.. I heard her talking about how the Codex would give her leverage over every agency in the world. She’s going to blackmail people, threaten them, and use it as a weapon to gain power. She doesn’t have the right intentions and she’s a dangerous woman with all that power already.” 

Your mind reeled from the information, “No… that doesn’t make any sense. The agency, we’re supposed to stop people like Lloyd, not become like him. Mrs. Kwon hates people like him. She.. she wouldn’t do that.” But you knew that she could pull something like this off. Still.. It hurt. It hurt to finally find out that the organization you dedicated half your life to, thinking you were helping people, it actually was all a fluke.

Sora saw the confusion and the pit that was forming in your stomach. She sensed it through the screen. Her voice broke slightly. “I don’t think you know what’s really happening, _____. You can’t trust them, you can’t trust anyone. Please be careful. I’m scared for you.”

You swallowed hard, your throat tight. Still you manage to give her a reassuring smile that seemed uneasy anyway. “I’ll figure this out, Sora. Stay safe okay? I’ll take care of myself, I promise, and I’ll protect you too no matter what.” 

Sora nodded and returned your smile before the screen went dark. You sat frozen, still stunned at the revelation, your mind spinning. The betrayal felt like a knife twisting in your gut. How could the place- no, the person you put so much trust into stab you in the back like this?? It was done, years of your life had been wasted away but you wouldn’t let Mrs. Kwon do this. You wouldn’t blatantly let her harm innocent people. In two quick actions, you grabbed the burner phone and took out the chip, crushing the feeble metal in your hand. Betrayal burned in the pit that had formed in your stomach, you would stop that crazy lady. No matter what.

You pushed open the adjoining door to Jungwon’s room. He was sprawled out on the bed, his chest rising and falling steadily, the faint glow of the moonlight casting soft shadows on his face. For a moment your breath hitched, he looked so peaceful, so ethereal, almost like an angel- but the memories from a few days ago started to rush in again. Your gaze went from starstruck to cold once more as you stepped closer to his bed. 

“Jungwon,” you said quietly, but he didn’t stir. 

You took a step closer as you gently nudged his shoulder. “Jungwon, wake up.”

He groaned as he rolled over to face you. His eyes were still closed though. “_____, if this is about my snoring again-”

“Get up,” you snapped, your voice cutting through his grogginess. How could he be talking about his obnoxious snoring right now?

He blinked up at you, his confusion quickly replaced with concern when he saw your expression. He was so attuned to your feelings… “What’s wrong?”

You crossed your arms, your jaw tight. “Sora called. She overheard something about the Codex and Mrs. Kwon.” you say as you sigh softly, the dread and betrayal still fresh in your mind.

Hearing about the Codex woke Jungwon up completely. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, his expression serious now. “What did she say?”

You hesitated, your voice quieter now. God- even you couldn’t believe it yourself. “Mrs Kwon, she doesn’t want to destroy the Codex. She wants to use it— for blackmail, for power. Everything we’ve been through, risking our lives…. It's all been for nothing. It’s a lie Jungwon.”

Jungwon was shocked for a moment just as you were. His mouth opened but no words came out. You could see the gears turning in his head. Despite your recent… differences, you knew he had risked his life for it too. You knew he had been through what you had for the Codex. He felt the same way you did. He ran a hand through his hair, his brows furrowed, “are you sure about this?” 

“She overheard it directly,” you say as you start pacing around the room, feeling restless. “And she told me not to trust anyone. Not the agency, not anyone.” 

He leaned back against his hands, exhaling sharply. “Well that’s just great. So, we’re completely on our own now? I mean we can’t just go back there and ask Mrs. Kwon to stop being evil nicely right?”

You rolled your eyes at his childish words, you stopped pacing to shoot him a glare. “Pretty much. Which means we need to figure out what to do next.” 

Jungwon observed you carefully. Your shoulders tensed, your eyes absolutely refusing to meet his voluntarily, and your not so gentle bite of your lip. “You’re still mad.” Jungwon voiced, softly.

You turned away from him but your shoulders were still tense. “Mad doesn’t even begin to cover it.”

“Hey,” he said, his voice impossibly softer now, “I get it. I messed up. But right now, we’ve got bigger problems than my poor decision-making skills.”

“You think I don’t know that??” you snapped, spinning to face him. The fire now present in your eyes as you met his. “But I can’t just pretend everything’s fine when it’s not. You almost got us killed for some random criminal. And now Sora is out of any semblance of protection because of our stupid agency.”

He stood up. His expression was unreadable but a hint of determination lingered in his eyes as he approached you. “You’re right. I screwed up. But if there’s one thing you should know by now, it's that I’m not going to give up. Not on the mission. Not on people. And definitely not on you.”

Your breath hitched, damnit, he was making those stupid unnecessary nagging feelings bubble in your chest. But you quickly looked away as you spoke in an ice cold tone. “Don’t do this. Don’t make this about us Jungwon. This is about the mission. About Sora. About—”

“This is about everything,” he didn’t back down. Instead his tone was firm as he continued. “And whether you like it or not, we’re in this together. So, you can stay mad at me if you want, but I’m not going anywhere.” 

You clenched your fists. You hated this, the way you even had to choose between your anger and the comfort his words provided. But even after all of what had happened- you could never bring yourself to hate him. “Fine. But don’t expect me to trust you like I used to.”

“I’ll earn it back” he said easily like it was the simplest thing in the world. His gaze never faltered either. And as much as you hated to admit it, in this uncertain time you were glad to have Jungwon there. At least you knew you had someone who would never tire of you. Who was there even if he made your blood boil.

You held his gaze as you challenged him silently. But he never backed down.. He never gave up on you. You broke away from his eyes as you sighed deeply. “We need a plan.” 

Jungwon nodded. “Then let’s make one, yeah? Together.”

You didn’t respond but still silently sat down at the small desk to start mapping out your next move. You couldn’t help but glance at him from the corner of your eye. For all his flaws, you knew one thing for certain— Jungwon would fight for you, for Sora, for this mission. And no matter how angry you were, part of you couldn’t help but feel grateful for that. 

After destroying the chip in Jungwon’s burner phone too, you both sat down with your own laptops. It was time to dig, for a lead, for a radio message, for anything that would help.

It took a while, but after multiple hours of trying to find something- anything a lead popped up. Lloyd had become sloppy with one of his radio messages. He had said something about going underground for a while. His estate in Russia, no one would be idiotic enough to penetrate his heavily guarded and almost unreachable mansion…. Except the two of you of course.

˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

The storm raged over the sprawling Russian estate, casting an ominous shadow over the towering walls and wrought iron gates. Lightning illuminated the sprawling mansion, its sharp spires cutting into the dark sky. Dark walls with crawling vines seemed to threaten and ward off anyone who dared to enter. Icy rain poured down in sheets as it soaked through the gear that adorned your body. The sound of thunder masked the faint rustle of movement as you and Jungwon crouched in the dense shadows near the perimeter. 

“This place screams ‘villain lair’” Jungwon mutters, his breath annoyingly warming up the back of your neck. He adjusted the hood of his black jacket against the freezing rain.

“Focus,” You said sharply, your voice barely audible over the wind. You didn’t spare him a glance, your gaze fixed on the towering structure ahead. More specifically on the armed men who were about to exchange shifts in just a matter of minutes. 

Jungwon sighed, casting a sidelong glance at you. “Wow you sound like you’re going to bite my head off. Personally, I think you should wait until after we grab the Codex to kill me, yeah?”

You didn’t respond. Pressing on to the side entrance you were going to infiltrate. It didn’t help that this was the most important mission of your life. The Codex was finally in your sight again. Not to mention that Sora was still on the move. No place was safe for her as long as the Codex was at large. It was also absurdly hard to get here after you had gone MIA from the agency. Mrs. Kwon seemed to have gone crazy because she stopped some of the most important missions to employ the agents to search for you and Jungwon. 

But what was worse was the ever annoying tension. It was cold and biting like the air that howled around you two. You didn’t like to say that you held a grudge, but your anger still lingered like a storm of its own. And though Jungwon tried to break through it with his normal flattery and charm, you wouldn’t budge. Not yet. 

You moved once again the moment the men turned their backs to change shifts. Stopping by the gate, you pressed yourself against the wall as you were met with the high tech digital lock. “This is it,” you whispered as you nodded to the door. The lock looked a bit advanced but it's nothing you couldn't handle. You knelt as you connected your hacking device into the lock. Your fingers were steady despite the icy rain that soaked through your gloves.

Jungwon knelt beside you, watchful eyes scanning their surroundings. “Still can’t believe you stayed mad this long. You know, if we die here, it’ll make for a tragic love story.”

You shot him a glare for bringing your personal relationships (or lack thereof) into the conversation. “If we die here, it’ll be because you can’t stop running your mouth.”

Not even a minute after the lock clicked. You pushed the door open and closed it just as the next guards arrived for their patrol. 

The interior of the mansion was cold and dark, the air heavy with the scent of damp stone and expensive leather. You moved in silence, your footsteps muffled by the thick carpet as you made your way towards the vault. You had to snicker at the hideous pictures of Lloyd that decorated the walls. Him in nothing but leopard fur, him showing off his (nonexistent) muscles, one with two girls fawning over him, and yet another where he was sitting on a pony?? Goes to show just how self centered he was. 

You kept your focus sharp as you two sneaked silently towards the vault. You were blatantly ignoring how Jungwon’s presence at your side felt like both a comfort and an annoyance . You couldn’t afford to be distracted right now anyways. 

Jungwon, for his part, stole glances at you whenever he could. The tension between you was eating away at him. He hated the thought that you didn’t trust him anymore. He thought about this every time, but today it felt more real. This mission could be your last, and he would hate to have that happen with you still angry at him. 

The vault was hidden behind a bookshelf in one of the many studies this estate had. You had thoroughly researched beforehand. There shouldn’t be any people in this part of the estate right now. You turned to Jungwon abruptly as both of you got in place. Your tone was just the slightest bit accusatory as you gave him an unreadable look. “Once we are inside, you know the plan. No distractions, no detours.”

“Understood boss,” Jungwon said, his hands raising in mock surrender. The two of you tugged at the two dark blue books on each side of the study. There was some mechanical whirring behind the door, as it opened with a hiss. The huge metal vault sparkled at you, just the menacing door stood before you and the Codex now. 

You ignored the jab and turned back to the vault door. It was protected by an intricate keypad and a biometric scanner. You pulled out the small device again as you started working once again. The gloves you wore would bypass the scanner no problem. 

“Time’s ticking..” Jungwon murmured, his ears on high alert for any sound outside the closed study door. 

“Almost… there” you said your voice tight with concentration.

The lock disengaged with a heavy click, and the vault door creaked open. Inside, the metal room glimmered with Lloyd’s wealth. Gold bars, stacks of cash, priceless artifacts, ancient jewelry, huge jewels. But at the center of the room, bathed in the glow of a single overhead light, was the long behold Phantom Codex.

The codex was exactly as you had remembered it. How could you forget the piece of tech that had basically ruined your life anyway? Obsidian black, diamond shaped, etched with glowing cerulean symbols. It seemed alive, faintly humming as you listened carefully. You had to shake your head so you didn’t get entranced like everyone had at the gala in Paris. 

“There it is,” you whispered, your breath catching.

“Finally,” Jungwon said, carelessly stepping forward. But before he could even take a single step closer the floor detected his weight. In an instant, lasers shot from the walls as ear blasting sirens rang through the sound of the storm. 

“MOVE!!” you shouted, as you dodged the lasers skilfully but Jungwon beat you to it. He snatched the Codex from the pedestal. 

“I’ve got it, lets go!!” he yelled as the both of you could hear the thunder of the probably hundreds of guards all swarming to your location. 

You both made your way outside the study. You could taste the adrenaline as the window in front of you taunted you. But this time you would do it. This was your escape, your victory. 

Jungwon ran as fast as he could, his focus was on the window just the same as you. The pounding of boots and shouting of the men spurred the two of you to go even faster. You were just a few steps behind him.

That’s when you stopped. The bullet flew through the air as you felt time stop. Your eyes darted to Jungwon’s retreating figure, then to the guards that grew closer. The bullet pierced your abdomen. You felt the stinging pain, not from the blood that stained your gear– no. It was from the realization that this was it.

Still you didn’t care. Jungwon had secured the Codex, he would do what’s right. And you had to protect him no matter what. Instead of running to Jungwon, you turned your back to him. Facing the absurd amount of guards that closed in onto you. For Jungwon. 

But while you tackled one guard to the floor, you knew it. There were way too many. You still placed a kick to another one as they surrounded you. You were sloppy, your movements too slow. Another guard grabbed your arm as suddenly, someone else lifted the butt of their rifle, bringing it down onto your back harshly. You felt pain through your entire being as you inevitably blacked out, watching the window shatter just like your freedom. 

You fell unconscious. Your body crumpled.

˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Jungwon jumped through the window. The glass shards cutting his face as the rain immediately greeted him in the courtyard. He clutched the Codex tightly against his chest. He turned back, adrenaline and victory coursing through him. He expected to see you, standing victoriously beside him. That satisfactory smirk gracing your lips anytime you both succeeded in a mission. 

But his heart dropped. There was no sight of you. He felt his blood run cold as his chest felt like it was caving in on him. No! This couldn’t be happening. He didn’t feel the tears stream down his face because of the rain that poured down onto him. 

You were captured. Gone from his protection into Lloyd’s demonic hands. His hands shook as he held onto the Codex. He promised himself that he would get it for you. But not like this. Not at this cost. “DAMNIT!!” He yelled your name as his brain finally caught up with the events happening. 

Fear for you clawed in Jungwon’s chest, but more than that white hot rage burned through him. So much so that it threatened to consume his whole being. The what-ifs of what Lloyd could do lingered in his mind for just a moment, but they disappeared the moment he imagined you at that bastard’s mercy. His hands clenched and his jaw set as he stared back at the estate. No rational thought in his mind. He couldn’t think of anything else– didn’t want to. The mission, the Codex, everything else blurred into insignificance. You were all that mattered.

Jungwon moved through the stone halls like a man possessed. He was soaked to the core but he didn’t once shiver. He let himself think with his instinct and his instinct alone. Something you probably would have reprimanded him for. But it was his instinct that was guiding him to you. 

The guards who crossed his path didn’t stand a chance. Anyone who dared to move towards him was struck with precision and speed. His movements were raw and fueled by a fire that burned hot inside him. A punch to the throat, a kick to the ribs, a quick disarm— he left them crumpled in his wake, barely sparing them a second glance. 

The Codex was clutched tightly in his hand. The dark obsidian surface shone with rain. Every time some stupid guard tried to grab it, he twisted away, taking them down before they could make a move. Like the big burly men were some flies he needed to flick away. 

He was there, he was at the inner sanctum now. He was breathing hard and his gaze deathly. His focus never wavering.

The room where you were being held was flanked by at least ten guards. They stiffened at the sight of Jungwon, their weapons raised. But the sight of his gaze and rigid form struck fear into their hearts. 

Jungwon didn’t slow down. “Get out of my way,” he growled out. His voice was low, dangerous, and shaking with rage.

The guards still stupidly didn’t budge. 

Jungwon lifted the artifact that they all were after up high. “If you idiots don’t move. I’ll destroy this thing right here and now.” 

The threat worked. The guards exchanged glances. Debating if they should really move and face Lloyd’s wrath or Jungwon’s. One of them moved and the others followed. Their eyes showed uncertainty but watching Jungwon move swiftly they knew they would have been done for if they hadn’t. 

Jungwon almost broke the heavy wooden door down, his heart pounding as his eyes immediately sought you.

The room was dim, the occasional burst of lightning illuminating it. It was freezing cold and Jungwon observed how there were no guards inside. You were on your knees in the center of the room. Your hands tied behind your back in a rough grip that would leave your wrists red. Your hair was damp still, plastered to your forehead. But your expression remained fierce. Your head held high despite the position you were in. You refused to give in to Lloyd no matter what.

Your heart leaped in frustration and unbelievable relief as Jungwon burst through the door. It was so damn frustrating that he had done this, risked his life and the lives of so many others just for… you. Only for you. You couldn’t help but observe how rigid his form was. The moment he lifted his head to look at Lloyd, it scared you. You had never seen him this uncontrolled, this angry. 

Lloyd was stood behind you with a gun pressed to the back of your head. His face split into a wicked, wide, mocking grin as Jungwon entered the room. The Codex sparkling blue in his grip.

“Well well,” he drawled, his voice oozing amusement. “The knight in shining armor returns. I must admit, I didn’t think you’d be stupid enough to come back for your little girlfriend.”

Jungwon’s gaze was locked on you. His fury only heightened once he saw how Lloyd was holding you at gunpoint. He shook his head as he straightened up. “You don’t understand what I’d do for her.” he said his voice barely audible but full of anger.

“Jungwon!! NO!!!” you shouted, finding your voice once again. “You shouldn’t be here!! Take the Codex and go!!” The shout made your bullet wound in your abdomen sting with unbearable pain, as you gritted your teeth.

Lloyd chuckled, amused by the little display. He menacingly nudged the barrel of the gun into your skull. “Listen to her boy. She’s smarter than you are.”

Jungwon ignored the both of you. His expression was hard, no one could tell what ran through his mind. His focus was entirely you. The grip he had on the Codex tightened. “Let her go, Lloyd!” 

Lloyd almost laughed. He raised his eyebrows “and what position are you in to make that demand? Besides, why would I do that?? She’s quite the leverage. You hand over the Codex, or I blow her pretty little brains out.”

“Jungwon!!” you said in a warning tone, a certain urgency in your voice. “Don’t. Don’t give it to him. It’s not worth it. I did this so you could escape!! SO GO DAMMIT!!”

Jungwon’s heart clenched at the barely masked fear in your voice. His mind still pissed that you cared more about the stupid artifact more than yourself. How could you be so blind? You had to have known. To Jungwon, nothing mattered but you. “You want the Codex? Fine. Take it.”

“Jungwon no!!!” You yelled in vain.

He strode across the room and without hesitation, Jungwon tossed the Codex across the room. It landed at Lloyd’s feet, and the bastard’s grin widened. 

“Ah~ the hero sacrifices everything for the damsel. How predictable.” Lloyd kicked the Codex aside and turned his evil eyes toward Jungwon again. “But you’re a fool if you think this ends well for you.” 

He cocked the gun.

Jungwon moved before Lloyd could even think to pull the trigger. 

With lightning speed, he lunged forward, grabbing a knife from his belt and throwing it with deadly accuracy. His fury at its peak, his vision completely red. The blade sank into Lloyd’s shoulder, forcing him to drop the gun and stagger back with a howl of pain. 

You fell forward as the gun was wrenched away from him, landing hard on the cold stone tiles. 

Jungwon couldn’t see anything but rage. He was already on Lloyd, tackling him to the ground and landing a flurry of punches. The sickening sound of flesh hitting flesh echoed through the empty chamber. The only other sounds being Lloyd’s groaning and Jungwon’s labored breathing.

“THIS IS FOR HER!!” Jungwon growled loudly, slamming Lloyd’s head into the floor. The crack of his skull was loud and clear, but Jungwon didn’t seem to hear it. “For all the people you’ve made suffer. For everyone you’ve hurt. For everything you’ve done!” 

Lloyd was done. He was lifeless, his body limp but Jungwon didn’t stop. Jungwon didn’t think of any intel, of what use he could have been. All he could think of was slamming his skull into the floor over and over and-

“Jungwon stop!” your voice cut through his haze of rage.

His eyes seemed to finally refocus as the anger slowly dissipated. His heart clenched when he looked over his shoulder at how you were struggling to your feet, your hands still bound. 

“He’s done..” you said in a soft whisper. “We need to go.” 

Jungwon’s chest heaved as he stared down at Lloyd, who was lifeless. After he scowled at him, his eyes narrowing, he nodded and stood. Pocketing the gun that laid close to Lloyd. He picked up the damned Codex before making his way towards you.

No words were exchanged between the two of you as Jungwon untied your hands with surprising gentleness. Considering how angry he had just been it was astonishing how he handled you like a porcelain doll. The moment that your hands were free, you threw your arms around him, burying your face into his strong chest. You felt an inexplicable amount of relief and warmth as you were finally able to wrap your arms around him once again.

“You… you’re an idiot, Yang Jungwon.” you whispered, your voice shaking as Jungwon felt you wet his jacket that he wore. He hugged you back tightly. His hands wrapped around your whole body as he pulled you close to him. You cursed as the pain shot up in your abdomen once more.

He immediately pulled back as his hands rested carefully on your hips, “___?? What’s wrong?” he said with big boba eyes that showed nothing but concern. 

“I’m okay won, just got shot.” you told him, the smile on your face looking like an idiotic grin. The tears still shone bright in your eyes. You ran your fingers through his soft locks as your eyes darted trying to memorize every single detail of his beautiful face.

“Just???-” he was about to tell you off, when the door flew open. The remaining guards poured into the room, guns drawn and shouting commands in Russian. 

You and Jungwon immediately broke apart, your instincts kicking in. Jungwon reached for Lloyd’s gun in his pocket while you ducked behind him, your sharp eyes scanning for an opening.

“We’re not out of this yet,” Jungwon muttered, his tone laced with a mixture of irritation and exhilaration.

You smirked at him despite the chaos. The dynamic between you two undeniably felt right again, “thought you liked dramatic exits.”

Jungwon tilted his head, just barely dodging a bullet that whizzed past. “That I do.” 

Jungwon fired a few warning shots wildly into the air. Forcing the guards to take cover as the two of you darted for the hallway. The storm still raged outside but there was a hint of blue skies not too far from the gray clouds. Thunder rumbled as the pair of you sprinted through the sprawling mansion. The ache in your abdomen was still present but you could bear it, because the taste of freedom was too sweet. 

“You could’ve reminded me about the cavalry!” Jungwon called out over his shoulder as you rounded a corner, narrowly avoiding another group of guards. 

You scoffed, breathless but focused. “I didn’t think you would be stupid enough to actually throw the Codex to Lloyd, but here we are.”

Jungwon laughed, his sweet stupid laugh. It rang out in your ears the sweetest melody you’d ever heard. “Anything for you babe! You know that.”

You couldn't afford the butterflies raging within you, but god you couldn’t stop them either. Just like the foolish grin that spread across your face. 

The hallways seemed endless, a labyrinth of opulent decor and deadly ambushes. Guards spilled out from doorways, but you and Jungwon moved in a seamless unit. You kicked a marble bust, sending it crashing into the path of the pursuers, while Jungwon threw his knife that found its mark in another guard’s leg.

Finally, the mansion’s main entrance came into view, its grand double doors flanked by a pair of guards. You didn’t slow down one bit though, your mind racing. You didn’t have a plan sure, but you had Jungwon and his killer instinct. “Left or right?” you hissed at Jungwon.

“Both,” his eyes twinkled as he veered right.

You rolled your eyes, but couldn’t help the burst of joy as you saw the look in his eyes. You darted to the left, sliding low as you kicked one guard’s feet out from under him. Jungwon tackled the other, knocking his weapon away before landing a solid punch to his jaw.

The doors were pushed open by the two of you as the storm had seemed to ease up a bit. Rain still softly pelted you as you bolted down the stone steps toward the row of motorcycles parked outside. You flipped off the estate in the background, the grin not leaving your face. “HA!! You bastards!!” 

You let out a breathless laugh as the two of you mounted the Kawasaki Ninjas. You grinned at Jungwon, for the first time in a while feeling the thrill of freedom and success. “How’d you know I’d have these ready?”

Jungwon revved the engine, smirking at you, “Because you’re you.”

“And what does that mean?”

“It means you're crazy detailed and brilliant as hell.” 

Your stomach flipped at the unexpected sincerity in his tone, but there was no time to dwell on it. The two of you sped off into the night. Kicking back gravel and mud in your wake. Shots were being fired into the air but you were too far from the estate to worry about any of that. 

˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

The cool night air softly tousled your hair. The two roaring engines fell silent as the bikes came to a stop at a beach by the road. The two of you were far off the path of the storm and far enough away that Lloyd’s men weren’t catching up anytime soon. The air was biting at your skin but still it was calm. The only sound was the rhythmic crashing of the waves. The scene in front of you was truly breathtaking. Gray sands giving away to dark waves. Except the fact that the waves weren’t as black as they seemed. On occasion as some of them crashed onto the shore, they lit up to be an azure blue. Bioluminescence graced the waves curves and foam. 

You had time to think. And while on the ride here you contemplated. Jungwon had done something foolish that had no guarantee of working out. But by some godly will it did. You couldn’t help but be just a bit pissed that you risked your life for him just for him to save you in the end. There was a small part of you that said to tell him off for it. Now that you were past the rush of adrenaline you could think clearly once more. 

Jungwon had hopped off the bike shaking the water out of his hair. You couldn’t help but stop and stare for a second as he looked angelic. The moonlight illuminated his pale skin and the moon itself shone bright in his eyes. It’s like he was struck by the beauty of the moon. His broad shoulders tensed when he looked at you. Standing with your arms crossed and an unreadable expression on your face. 

“I hope you know I’m not letting you off the hook. That was stupid what you did.” You say trying to sound stern but there was no real bite to your voice. 

“I heard you loud and clear the first time.” He said with a chuckle leaning casually on his bike. 

You huffed at his nonchalant attitude as you strode towards him. You poked his chest hard. “You threw the Codex at Lloyd like a fool! Do you realize how reckless that was?? You-“

“Saved your life?” He interrupted. His hand laced his fingers with yours as he leaned in closer. His voice dropped to something deeper, more serious.

You were frozen in place. It’s like your brain shut off once again when his hand was grasped in yours. He was way too close too. You could see the soft shadows so his eyelashes and his deep dimple poked out as he smirked. You opened your mouth to say something but the words died on your lips. He was right, he had saved your life. Again. You hated when he was right- you were supposed to be the smart one. You stared at him as your heart pounded for reasons you couldn’t entirely blame on anger. 

“You put the entire world in danger,” you whispered, as if saying anything louder would break this perfect moment. “For me.”

His smirk softened into a smile as he brought his other hand up. Tucking a piece of damp hair behind your ear. His hand lingered for just a moment too long. He stared at you with so many emotions you couldn’t decipher them all. “Baby… you are my world.”

Your breath hitched. You were rendered completely speechless. The only sound was the waves beating on the shore and the thump of your heartbeat. The petname, the way his hand was still in yours, the way his eyes softened just for you. You didn’t think anymore, letting your instincts take over. Just like he would have done.

You grabbed him by the collar of his jacket as you stared into his moonlit eyes before your gaze landed on his lips. You shoved him against the side of his parked bike.

“You’re impossible.” You muttered, but the way your lips twitched threatening a smile betrayed your resolve. 

“And you love it” jungwon managed to shoot back. His grin faltered the moment you pulled him down by his collar. 

Your lips met in a collision of fire and fury, a kiss born of unspoken emotions and pent-up tension. It wasn’t soft or tentative; it was deep, desperate, and raw. The way your mouths moved in sync like they were trying to make up for lost time. The kiss was sure and firm. 

His lips were soft, plump, and pillowy just as you had remembered them. You couldn’t lie and say that you hadn’t missed him. The way he slightly smiled into the kiss. His tongue darting out to trace the outline of your lower lip.

His hands found your waist. Making sure to be extra careful that he didn’t irritate the wound on your abdomen. But the way he slightly tightened his grip when his tongue finally entered your mouth, he was holding on like you might slip away again if he lets go.

Your hands were in his dark and damp locks as your knuckles curled around his soft hair. You tugged slightly, earning a low groan from him that vibrated against your mouth. The sound makes shivers run down your spine. 

You pressed him harder against the bike. Your body molded to his in a way that felt like you were trying to crawl into his skin. His hands roamed over your back as he traced soft patterns, grounding you like an anchor in the moment.

“Jungwon-“ you whined when he pulled away for a breath. The sound only made him cup your cheek as he angled your head while he went in again. You couldn’t resist whimpering against his mouth when he caressed your cheeks with so much tenderness you could melt. 

It wasn’t just a kiss— it was a release, a declaration, an unspoken promise. The world faded into the background, nothing seeming to matter more than the two of you right now. It only left the two of you, connected in a way that felt inevitable. 

When you finally pulled apart, your breaths came in ragged gasps. Your forehead rested against his and your hands remained on his shoulder. You looked into his eyes. And you knew this was right, you’d never felt anything more intense than this. You needed Jungwon and the way he stared right back at you, you knew he needed you too.

“You drive me up a wall Jungwon. Don’t ever scare me like that again.” You whispered. Your voice breaking.

Jungwon chuckled softly as he ran his thumb over your cheek with love in his eyes. His own breathing uneven, “no promises.”

You stayed like that for a few moments. Wrapped up in each other. Just enjoying the other’s presence and touch. But you stepped back slowly, your hands trailing down Jungwon’s built chest before falling to your sides. Your gaze dropped to the object that stuck out of his pocket— the Phantom Codex, its dark, intricate surface glinting in the moonlight. 

You slipped it out of his pocket. Staring at some stupid piece of tech that almost ruined your life and the lives of many more innocent people. The blue hue that it exuded along with the faint whisper of the symbols moving were almost trying to convince you to stop. But without hesitation you held it up in the air before slamming it against the asphalt with all your strength. 

It was done. The Codex shattered into a million pieces, shards scattering across the sand. The sound echoed briefly before being swallowed by the night. 

You straightened your posture as you turned to Jungwon. It was gone. Your sister was free and Mrs. Kwon’s evil plan had come to a halt. Your eyes were a mix of joy, fierceness, and determination. 

“It’s over.” You stated simply.

Jungwon nodded, a small, proud smile tugging at his lips. He slipped his hand on your shoulder as he pulled you close once again. His lips brushed against the crown of your head. “It is.”

You had to gasp softly as the horizon began to blush with the first rays of dawn. Jungwon’s arm fell as he stared in awe at the world slowly emerging once again from the embrace of the night. The golden light stretched over the waves, illuminating the water in hues of pink and gold. The storm had long passed, and the gentle breeze carried the salty tang of the sea. The world was quiet, peaceful. 

You felt the breeze nip at your skin as you hugged your arms around yourself. Jungwon noticed and he silently draped his jacket over your shoulders. You glanced at him, your lips curving into a small smile you didn’t bother hiding. 

“You’re really laying it on thick aren’t you?” You teased, still pulling the jacket closer. 

“Can you blame me?” Jungwon replied with a grin. He stepped closer to you standing by your side with his hands in his pocket like he wasn’t just making out with you a minute ago. “It’s not everyday I get to watch the sunrise with the love of my life who happens to be the woman who also saved the world.”

You tried to hide your blush but it crept up on you anyway. Your smile softened as your gaze returned to the horizon. The rising sun painting your face with warmth. You looked like you were glowing to Jungwon. But even with the warmth your thoughts were heavy. “We didn’t save the world- there is no saving it. We just stopped it from getting worse.”

“Same difference,” Jungwon said lightly. “And we’re not done yet.”

You nodded, your eyes scanning the open sea that stretched in front of you. “We’re on the run now. The agency won’t stop hunting us”

Jungwon smirked. Hid confident aura returning, “let them try princess. We’ve outsmarted Lloyd and destroyed the Codex. What’s a few corporate nerds?”

You rolled your eyes but you couldn’t suppress the laugh that escaped your lips. “You really don’t know how to take anything seriously, do you?”

“Not true,” he said, stepping even closer as his voice softened,. “I take us seriously.”

Your heart skipped a beat as you looked away desperately trying to hide the blush and idiotic  grin that threatened to break. “Don’t get all sappy on me now.”

“Too late.” He grinned , reaching out to brush some hair out of your face. “____, we’re free now. No rules, no lies, no one pulling the strings but us. We can make a real difference, fight the way we want to fight.”

Your expression shifted, the weight of his words settling over you. For years, you had operated within a system that used people like tools. Simply sacrificing lives for power plays. Now, standing here with the man who had saved you from danger and yourself multiple times, you felt the stirrings of something your prior life hasn’t allowed: hope. 

The sun crept higher. It’s light washing away the remnants of the night, and with it, the shadows of your past.

“If we are going into this chaotic world of crime, corrupt organizations, and horrible people. I’m glad you’re the one I’m doing this with.” Jungwon said suddenly. 

You could hear your heart beating in your ears as you grinned like an idiot. “Good. Because you’re stuck with me Jungwon.” You wrapped your arms around his neck as you took him in again.

“No one I’d rather be with,” he whispered, his lips brushing against yours. 

It was morning now. The sun had finally risen. The path ahead was clear despite the dangers that lurked at every turn. The rays washed both of you in warmth as your lips met for the nth time. Your life had only just begun, and it was going to be a wild ride. 

[ravenstargames]

✦ LOST IN LIMBO — 2024 WRAP-UP + 2025 MILESTONES

And here we are, after the holidays! Another year has come to an end and this one was simply incredible. You can anticipate what our most important milestone was for 2024, but there has been a lot going on this past year that maybe we all have forgotten. So let's see what these four friends have accomplished this year, and what's coming for a 2025 that already looks promising!

Good news is that we achieved every goal we set up for this year! Isn't that awesome?! We published our first demo, hosted our very first casting call (and it was nuts!) and so much more! Let's see it :3

✦ OUR STUDIO, RAVENSTAR GAMES, WAS OFFICIALLY FOUNDED ON JULY!

Let me tell y'all that when you finish college, keep studying because it turns out the job market is absolutely devastated and cannibalized, and then have an existential crisis, the last thing you think about is saying "fuck it we ball" and open a studio. I mean, we are literally four people with no stable jobs (well, Kayden is an exception) and with no previous experience making a game entirely by ourselves.

So this was a huge step for us. A scary one. A terrifying one, and still is. But we've survived so far, so let's hope we can still do just that—survive at least long enough to start living. Calling this our job would be a dream come true, but there's still a long road ahead until that!

✦ WE SUCCESSFULLY FUNDED LOST IN LIMBO ON KICKSTARTER!

And you were right if you thought this was our most important milestone of the year!

Honestly, I low-key thought we weren't gonna make it. As I said—four people with no budget, paying for what we couldn't do ourselves with what our grandmas give us on Christmas—what were the chances anyone would be interested in helping us fund our game?

But we still had to do it, because making it this far and not risking not being funded would be madness. So there we were, opening Photoshop with tears in our eyes, watching our mediocre bank accounts get obliterated and working on the Kickstarter graphics with nothing but glitter and Jesus.

Also, we were asking for a lot of money and it was our first project. We've seen firsthand a lot of projects fail, a lot of people being scammed, and a lot of projects not going like the audience and devs wanted. So I thought we were a bit doomed.

Well, turns out there are people who believe in us and our project, so I was proved wrong. Maybe our graphics were really cool in the end, huh? I worked my ass off on those! /silly

So 980 people donated almost 60k euros and on September 27th, Lost in Limbo became officially a thing. Which is wild. I don't think I believe it still, honestly.

Of course, not everything went smoothly! As first timers we made a lot of mistakes, but we knew we were going to mess up something. Sometimes it was us, sometimes it was Backerkit or Kickstarter...Truth is watching a million YouTube tutorials, reading articles or learning about other devs' journeys doesn't make you ready to run a Kickstarter. There's some stuff you can only learn while running it!

So we ordered our merch, had our 🎉first delay🎉 because we made a mistake with our pins, and managed to deliver our digital goodies to our backers without blowing up (almost) anything.

✦ WE FUNDED OUR VERY OWN SOUNDTRACK!

And it'll consist of 19 original tracks by our wonderful composer Tomás Palazzi! 💜

✦ WE RELEASED OUR FIRST DEMO!

And overall, people seem to enjoy it! In fact, we recently reached +10k downloads and +71k views on itch! T^T

Of course, getting our demo out there was nerve-wracking, but we received a lot of love, and that includes wonderful and constructive feedback from a lot of folks who love our project and want it to succeed in its best form. Incredible content creators played our demo, reviewed it—and we've met amazing and stunningly creative people in the process!

However, as with anything you publish for others to see, not everyone is going to like it, and I think as a team we needed to also be exposed to that. There have been negative reviews that have helped us improve, and some others that have made us realize that our game, just like any other, isn't for everyone, and that's okay—our game isn't perfect and it won't ever be, and that's okay. As creators and creatives, accepting the critiques that help us improve is as important as letting go of the ones that contribute nothing, and to accept there are some things we don't want to change.

Of course there have been nasty or rude reviews, (most of them private) and albeit there were very few of them, but that was guaranteed. We try to have a few laughs at those!

✦ WE CREATED OUR OWN DISCORD SERVER!

And it's brimming with life!? We are almost 400 members and I may be biased, but it's full of amazing, supportive, and incredibly creative people. It feels so strange to see people talk daily about your game, about your characters—theorize, laugh, ask stuff...I can only hope our members feel at home as much as we do, because even if we can't interact with everyone all the time, just reading y'all makes us extremely happy :')

✦ WE STARTED WORKING ON OUR EXTENDED DEMO!

And it's going great! The script is doing better than expected, even if I'm editing more stuff than I originally planned. Implementing feedback we received during our survey is helping me improve the pace, storytelling and dynamism of the script. I'm an overthinker so I know I'm most likely editing / adding more stuff than I planned, but so is the way of the west.

Raquel has (as you all know) been working on the reworked sprites, and for now there's 4/7 done! 💜 We also have finished one of the new backgrounds and one is close to being done. That's 2/3!

Also, thanks to y'all buying extra stuff via Backerkit, we've managed to raise a bit more money and have been able to commission Airyn for help on the extended demo, as well as Allie (our editor) and the wonderful, the Ren'py Jesus, Feniks, to help us with our programming adventures! So technically we didn't reach our second stretch goal (outsourcing) but the extra coins have allowed us to hire some help!

That's all for 2024! Phew! Now, our plans for 2025 are quite simple (me when I lie).

First of all we want to ship our Kickstarter merch (more on that on a Kickstarter update coming soon!)

Finish production for our Kickstarter artbook

Release our Extended Demo

For now, we are aiming for a June 2025 release of the prologue, and the first chapter of every route will follow soon after.

Open our Patreon!

We have to think about this thoroughly, plan it, and make sure we can offer quality stuff worthy of your support. Some of you have asked a lot about a Patreon but we want to make sure we make it right!

On a personal note—this year I have been working on my OCD, as last year, and booked with two therapists. My therapist (the one who diagnosed me last year), and a different one specialized in OCD. This year has been full of highs and lows, but I'm in a much better headspace than I was last year, to the point of my meds being lowered! ✌️

I also enrolled for my PhD program like a month ago, and I got accepted after a lot of college shenanigans that almost became my villain arc. So this year is going to be funny for me!

Every member of the team has had their personal issues to deal with this year. Mental health, family, etc. It hasn't been an easy year for us, but I'm happy to say we've been there for each other.

And I think that's all! Overall it has been an insane year. Very productive, very nerve-wracking, and incredibly awesome. We can only hope this year is as good as 2024 if not even better, both for us as people and for our game. We hope your 2024 has been good, and we also hope you are excited to make 2025 a year you can be proud of; but most importantly, a year in which you can take care of yourself, be at peace with who you are, discover new things about yourself, and crave a path to the future you want to live!

Talk to you all soon! 💜

[mindblowingscience]

There's still so much we don't know about Alzheimer's disease, but the link between poor sleep and worsening disease is one that researchers are exploring with gusto. In a study published in 2023, scientists found that using sleeping pills to get some shut-eye could reduce the build-up of toxic clumps of proteins in fluid that washes the brain clean every night. Researchers from Washington University in St. Louis found people who took suvorexant, a common treatment for insomnia, for two nights at a sleep clinic experienced a slight drop in two proteins, amyloid-beta and tau, that pile up in Alzheimer's disease.

Continue Reading.

[yourlocalsmutwriter]

Lovers to coworkers - Jenson Button x reader

cw: mentions of fingering, creampies, actual spanking and cockwarming, age gap (reader is in her 20s, jenson is in his 40s), author loves dilfs and hates her clichés

"I have a job for you." Jenson says to you when walking into your shared apartment.

"I am employed, honey. Even though I wish this deadline from my publisher wasn't real, it is. Just like the fact that your lovely girlfriend is a romance writer.". You knew how he felt about what you do for a living. It was an icebreaker during your first date, and when you made him laugh so hard, he did a spit take at your first commissions, you knew he was the one. Thankfully for you, the writing you did had evolved much since your "man gets turned into underwear for his ex-girlfriend" days in college. It was insane how you rationalized that 10 bucks was 10 bucks.

Ever since then, you wrote like a machine. You were versatile, pitching different things to your agent. Poetry books, essay collections, general fiction, all of those were your favorites, Jenson's too. But what skyrocketed you to fame was the romance book you started writing after a drunken night with your boyfriend. You teased him about his "grid slut" days of the past. Asked him to tell you about it, warts and all. And he did, loving the way you crossed your legs as his stories of the past. He kept his hand between your legs as he told you about menages a trois in Monaco and public indecency in Italy.

Jenson fucked you raw that night for the first time and he'd been obsessed with you begging to be filled with his cum. He called you needy, greedy, desperately horny, his little slut. And as much as he tried to deny it, it wears him out. He likes slow things now. Eating you out for hours, orgasm after orgasm melting the time together. Having you stroke him as he's doing research. So when you whine and cum around him, he can't help it. Two more pumps and he's out like a light.

He wakes up hours later, thirst making his throat almost painfully sore. And you're still naked, aside from a pair of glasses, typing furiously on a laptop. He doesn't question it anymore but still tries to coax you into bed. You shoo him off, claiming something about "being in the zone" and continued writing.

You're particularly cagey about that one, but he can guess it has to do with F1 and specifically him. You ask about whether certain events would be accurate in a race. Learn all about his girlfriends passed and how they coped with his stardom. Finally, after months of pestering him, he gets an advanced reader's copy. It's a romance, and it's obvious that it's based on him. The female lead also has some similarities to you, which Jenson loves to tease you about. Both of you expect it to be normal. But social media gets wind of it.

The Booktok girlies were a force to be reckoned with. You should've known that, considering Mark and his controversially young girlfriend. Their "internet meetcute" was as cliche as one of your new plots. But the couple sure made good company on secret double dates. Nothing like beating the assumptions that you're sugar babies with a friend. So when she and the rest of the F1 romance community found your book, it was chaos. Thank God for pen names, because being Jenson's girlfriend on top of writing smut about him would be too much. But after your steamy work, everything shifted. Thanks to the feedback and sales, the book had become a sequel. Then a trilogy. Now, with a fourth one in the works, your partner was getting tired.

That's why, at the mention of your romance writing, he quickly bends you over his lap. He wastes no time in pulling your pants down, making your skin prickle.

"You know, you're bad for my PR, sweets. Do you think your fans have any respect for me?" He asks as he traces shapes on your bare ass. He's waiting to strike.

"Of course they do." You reply. You know the people reading your smut could be a little too into it. And you embrace it. Liking fanart, aesthetic moodboards, playlist. You have your own community and you love engaging with them. That's what sets you apart and partially gets the bills paid. More realistically, it's what helps you buy more books and also spoil Jenson's dog.

"Yeah, then why are they in my Instagram comments, all horny? Thought they weren't supposed to know that your protagonist is based on me." He wonders and smack, comes the first slap to your ass.

"I've built this image, you know." Another hit and he doesn't miss your moan at it.

"A book, almost 400 pages of my deepest, darkest secrets, so many hours of labor." Spanked again.

"17 years, that's almost a two decade career in F1, not to mention karting before and endurance after." Another strike, this time harder. Jenson ignores your pleas, just like he ignores the wetness of your cunt. That would have to wait.

"Took me years to shed the playboy image, so much effort to be serious and reliable on Sky Sports now. And you could potentially ruin it. We can't have that, now can we, sweets?" He asks and smacks you one last time. He drags his nails against the redness of your ass, making you feel the sting of his punishment. Which wasn't finished.

Jenson tells you to be a good girl and mount him, facing the other way. You love how he positions his mouth right against your ear.

"Let me tell you about the opening. It's an open kept secret, but they're letting go of Danica. Backlash from the fans and all that. So I figured, why not get a costar I actually get along with?"

"Jenson, I have no credentials. The public knows me as your girlfriend, it's gonna give nepo sugar baby." You say, trying to ignore your partner's hands on the cotton of your panties. You hate bringing up the age gap as well, but maybe it will remind him why this is a bad idea.

"First of all, everyone knows you're dating me for my looks and sex appeal, not my money. Second, you've been learning while researching your little smutty romances. You've seen every race this season and actually made some interesting points. Why not try it out?" He asks. He's stripping you, leaving your pussy completely exposed atop his jean covered crotch. You try to argue that you'd be a terrible pundit, purposefully using that word to piss him off.

"You'd be a fucking stellar commentator, love. And also a very pretty one, not that it matters." He says, gripping your waist.

"Let me prove it." He turns on the TV and opens the Sky Sports app. He puts on a random quali from this year and mutes it.

"Tell me what's happening and you get a reward." Jenson says and you can feel him unbutton his pants under you. You start with a general overview of the season, and when a camera pans to a certain driver you try to give a little tidbit of information. Your boyfriend adlibs with you, his tender voice becoming more clear and "TV like". Surprisingly, you can follow what he's saying. Even when he slaps the tip of his cock against your clit.

"Keep going, you're on air after all. Don't expect me to carry all of the conversation now." He whispers in your ear as you go silent. You try, providing some more fluff about the country and cheating by asking Jenson about his experience there. He responds by spreading you open and slamming into you in one thrust. Then he actually goes into detail about the track and some challenges.

"Talk the fans through Q1 and I'll move." He says as you squirm in his lap. Jenson's hands grip your hips, making you go still.

In order to "motivate" you, he places one hand on your nipple and the other on your clit. You try your best. You comment on tire choices, and purple sectors. You prompt him to fill your gaps. You even get heated as the time runs out, unsure who'd make it. As soon as you announce the 5 drivers that are out, Jenson moves. The short break between Q1 and Q2 is hell, with your boyfriend absolutely going feral.

"Aren't you so good to me, huh sweets. Taking me so well when I fuck into you. Being the perfect little cock sleeve. Don't get too excited now, we're just starting out." He says, just about as Q2 is about to begin. Then TV Jenson is back, he's talking like you two have an audience. You're too busy trying to get off, pussy clenching over him. As soon as he feels you do that, he pulls out, stopping right at the tip.

"Behave or we're stopping right now." He says and you delve into your observation about the qualifying session. Jense is a full on tease now, sinking you down on him slowly, giving it to you inch by inch. Then he's buried to the hilt and he stops. You relax into your commentator role, despite him throbbing inside of you. He won't let up, purposefully moving his body forward to see a technicality.

"Need glasses, Mr. Button? I know eyesight goes with age, but you're only 44. " You tease and are met with him spreading your legs even more and landing a slap square on your clit. You half moan, half announce the drivers who are out and your "career" is cut short. Jenson presses you flat against the glass coffee table, loving how your breasts are smushed against it. He wraps an arm against your waist and fucks you in earnest. Tip brushing your cervix earnest. Thighs shaking, toe curling earnest. Moans so loud they drown out the fact that he's still commentating earnest. As somebody takes pole position, Jenson makes you come and when the interviews come to a close, he's spilling his seed inside of you.

"You know, if you don't want me writing you like a whore, you should stop acting like one." You say. And even though he's getting soft, you're pulled to Jenson's thigh, smearing his cum over both of you. Round 2 is more predictable than the fact that you did not try for that open Sky Sports position. Because your slot with your boyfriend would have to be moved to after midnight.

[yamayuandadu]

From Shinoda Myōjin to Sakaki no Mae: the history of Kuzunoha (and a few others)

Abeno by Shūhō Yamakawa (public domain; via wikimedia commons)

A few months ago I asked a more or less representative group of potential readers how familiar they are with Kuzunoha. Save for a single tongue in check response, "that's the Devil Summoner guy with the sideburns, right", the results were fairly uniform: most people are aware that she is a fox and the mother of Abe no Seimei - but not much beyond that. 

Kuzunoha is simultaneously probably the single most famous Abe no Seimei-adjacent literary character today, overshadowing even actual historical figures. She arguably changed the Abe no Seimei “canon” in a way few other works did. Even with the “onmyōdō boom” still in full swing in modern popculture, many characters from earlier Seimei tradition remain obscure - but Kuzunoha is arguably equally as famous as her son.

This prominence lead to a variety of misconceptions, most notably to viewing the story according to which Seimei was the son of a fox as considerably older and more integral to his fame than in reality. In particularly disreputable online sources you might even see it being presented as THE fox romance story, an archetype example from the dawn of history of Japanese literature. However, despite stories about foxes and onmyōji both being a mainstay of popular entertainment through the middle ages already, Kuzunoha was only invented in the Edo period - and in the case of most of the major developments pertaining to her we can pinpoint the exact sources. 

Read on to find out how the story of Kuzunoha arose and changed through the Edo period, whether the character was always known under this name, what she had to do with Kamo no Yasunori, and more. An excursus will also introduce you to the works and life of Kamo no Yasunori no musume, possibly the most unique thinker of the Heian period. That’s not all you will be able to learn, though.The second half of the article goes beyond Kuzunoha, and introduces a selection of other characters from broadly understood Seimei literature - from Seimei’s wife to an immortal Chinese disciple of the bodhisattva Monju. It was initially intended as a standalone sequel, but I figured it would be preferable to publish both halves in one go. Is listening to gossip a form of divination? How many bones do you need to resurrect a person? What do eclipses have to do with board games? Answers to all these questions - and more - await under the cut!

Before Kuzunoha: introductory notes on foxes in medieval and early modern Japan

Before discussing the development of the story of Kuzunoha, it’s necessary to briefly summarize the history of foxes in Japanese literature. It arguably starts with one of the earliest Japanese chronicles, the Nihon Shoki (720). However, foxes only really appear there as omens. The relevant entries are very brief and essentially boil down to reporting an unusual (for example albinistic) fox was sighted somewhere, or alternatively that a regular fox acted in an unusual way. It’s hard to really call them “stories”. They also don’t really indicate that foxes were regarded as shapeshifters just yet, in contrast with contemporary Chinese sources. The oldest example of a Japanese story involving a fox shapeshifting into a woman - arguably the most famous and widespread subgenre of “fox literature” - appears in the setsuwa collection Nihon Ryōiki (日本霊異記), dated to the early ninth century. This motif, like many other stock elements of fox tales, originates in China. Due to space constraints it is not possible to discuss the development of this genre on the mainland, but it will suffice to say that the literary image of foxes was already fairly solid by the Tang period. A good example of a classic Chinese fox story of a similar sort as the Nihon Ryōiki one is The Tale of Miss Ren from the late eighth century. In both cases, the disguise eventually comes undone, and the true identity of the fox character comes to light, which forces her to leave her human life behind. This remained a mainstay in later periods.

An illustration from Tamamizu Monogatari (Kyoto University Rare Materials Digital Archive; reproduced here for educational purposes only)

The importance of foxes in Japanese literature grew considerably in the “middle ages”, the Kamakura and Muromachi periods. The popularity of stories about animals acting like humans in general increased, in no small part due to the growth of new ideas about the nature of enlightenment. The Tendai school of esoteric Buddhism advanced the view that every living being possessed an innate Buddha nature, and could thus attain enlightenment. A good example of a medieval fox story is Tamamizu Monogatari. It combines elements already present in these discussed earlier, though they are reconfigured in unexpected ways; furthermore, the eponymous fox character’s religious considerations are a fairly major part of the plot.  It is worth noting that the story of Tamamo no Mae, Kuzunoha’s main competitor for the title of most famous fox character in the history of Japanese literature, first developed in the middle ages too. However, it is somewhat unconventional in that the original story is just a really weird twist on Sutra of Humane Kings - the fox theming is ultimately somewhat superficial.

The newfound popularity of fox tales never really declined afterwards, and many new ones arose through the Edo period in a variety of mediums, including but not limited to novels, puppet plays and kabuki. The old material was often reinterpreted in new, unexpected ways to suit the evolving taste of the audience. This is the environment in which Kuzunoha arose.

The evolution of Kuzunoha, from Hoki-shō to kabuki

The oldest prototype of Kuzunoha appears in the Hoki-shō (簠簋抄; “The ritual containers, annotated”), an early seventeenth century commentary on one of the most famous medieval religious treatises, Sangoku Sōden Onmyō Kankatsu Hoki Naiden Kin’u Gyokuto Shū (三國相傳陰陽輨轄簠簋内伝金烏玉兎集, “The Book of the Gold Crow and the Jade Rabbit, Secret and Exposed, of the Round Vessel and the Square Vessel, the Wheel and the Wedge, the Yin and the Yang, Transmitted Through the Three Countries” - the title is basically a long enumeration of various dualities representing yin and yang; as you will soon see, various fictional tomes present in stories about Seimei reference it) or Hoki Naiden (簠簋内伝) for short. Its compiler (or compilers) collected multiple, often contradictory, tales about the source of Abe no Seimei’s supposed supernatural powers - many of which were seemingly adaptations of completely unrelated folk tales.

One of them states that Seimei’s mother wasn’t a human, but donned a human guise before giving birth to him. At the age of three Seimei was abandoned by her, but as a parting gift he received a poem explaining that he will be able to meet her in the Shinoda forest in the Izumi province. Many years later, Seimei recalled the poem and decided to travel there to pray at a local shrine. Its deity, known simply as Shinoda Myōjin (信太明神; Myōjin, “bright deity”, is a common historical title of local deities, cf. the likes of Shinra Myōjin or Sekizan Myōjin), appeared to him in the form of an old fox, and told him she is his mother. It’s not Seimei’s only “origin story” collected in this volume, though - elsewhere it states that he was a being from the Dragon Palace (龍宮, Ryūgū). This seemingly didn’t catch on, and we have yet to see a modern work bold enough to make him some sort of fishman.

Hoki-shō does not explain why Seimei’s mother left him, but another likely contemporary collection of short tales, Tsuki no Karumo Shū (“Seaweed gathered in the moonlight”), provides a hint: here Seimei’s mother composes the poem and leaves because his father cheated on her. She is later encountered first by her ex, and then by Seimei, in the Shinoda forest, in both cases taking the form of a fox, much like in the Hoki-shō. She also provides her son with a jewel which lets him understand animals - an item which also appears in other legends about him, though not necessarily in the same context. Curiously, outside of this supernatural episode, this work generally follows historical information about Seimei. It correctly relays that his father was a low ranking court official and that he studied under the famous onmyōji Kamo no Yasunori.

A breakthrough in the history of Kuzunoha occurred with the publication of Ryōi Asai’s Abe no Seimei Monogatari (安倍晴明物語; “The story of Abe no Seimei) in 1662. Various disconnected legends collected in the Hoki-shō and similar sources came to be forged into a single narrative for the first time ever, which turned out to be a successful approach. Seimei, while never really forgotten, became a favorite of Edo period audiences, and a “Seimei boom” of sorts occurred, with numerous new works focused on his life and exploits being published.

Young Seimei meeting Otohime, as described in Abe no Seimei Monogatari(public domain, via National Archives of Japan Digital Archive; all illustrations from this novel included in this article have been sourced from these scans; another set can be found on the website of the Waseda University Library)

It would be unfair to say that Abe no Seimei Monogatari is just a direct adaptation of Hoki-shō, though. It is an innovative work in many ways, and in some cases rewrites completely unrelated legends with Seimei as the protagonist. For instance, Seimei at one point visits the dragon palace to help Otohime in what is obviously a novel twist on the tale of Urashima Tarō (though it might very well be an echo of his second origin story from the Hoki-shō) - just without any of the repercussions for the protagonist. Seimei was, presumably, built different, to put it colloquially.

Innovations are also present in the section of the story dealing with Seimei’s mother. In contrast with the sources discussed above, Abe no Seimei Monogatari also provides his father with a name - Abe no Yasuna (安倍保名). He is introduced as a farmer living in Abeno, a village near the Shinoda forest (in earlier legends Seimei was said to hail from Nekoshima, located near Hitachi). The reason why the mother leaves is curiously not provided. The novel simply states that one summer day she abandoned her family - and that’s really it for her relevance. 

It is not certain if Abe no Seimei Monogatari was a direct influence on the next major work dealing with Seimei's origin, the 1674 puppet play Shinodazuma Tsurigitsune Tsuketari Abe no Seimei Shusshō (しのだづまつりぎつね并あべ晴明出生; “The Shinoda wife, fox trapping and the birth of Abe no Seimei”). While such a connection is not impossible, it might have alternatively depended on a now lost sekkyōbushi (説経節), a type of Buddhist ballad accompanied by shamisen and puppet performances. However, no direct evidence for the story of Kuzunoha ever being adapted in such a form exists.

Regardless of whether there is a connection or not, the play does follow Abe no Seimei Monogatari when it comes to the identity of the eponymous character’s father. It additionally establishes that Yasuna owns the mystic tome Hoki Naiden, here described as a family heirloom passed down since the times of Abe no Nakamaro (more on him later). Most importantly for the topic of this article, many new details regarding the marriage of Seimei’s parents emerge here for the first time.

Actor Nakayama Bun'emon as Ishikawa Akuemon (ukiyo-e.org; reproduced here for educational purposes only)

A new character shows up in the relevant part of the story, Ishikawa Akuemon (石川悪右衛門), a brother of Dōman, Seimei’s rival from Abe no Seimei Monogatari and a variety of other sources. While Dōman is most likely based on a historical person (though one with no real relation to Seimei - more on that in a sec), Akuemon is entirely fictional. Through Dōman’s influence he received a government post near the Shinoda forest. His modus operandi is to obtain the liver of a white fox, since his brother told him it can be used to heal his ailing wife. Yasuna encounters him during a hunt, and saves a fox from him. This leads to a fight in which he almost ends up killed, until another fox intervenes. By disguising himself as a priest serving in Akuemon’s family temple he tricks him into sparing Yasuna’s life.

Some time later, Yasuna saves a woman from drowning, and subsequently marries her. He has no choice but to live with her in the Shinoda forest, since through a complex string of events resulting from Akuemon killing his father Abe no Yasuaki (安倍泰明) he had to kill him (and is effectively an outlaw, as I understand). He and the woman eventually have a son.

When the son - who is, obviously, Abe no Seimei - is seven years old, his mother accidentally reveals to him that she is a fox who took human form. She becomes so enchanted by blooming chrysanthemums that she loses grasp of her disguise. Kid Seimei is horrified by this revelation, and his mother decides she has to leave. She leaves a letter for him in which she expresses her sadness about this turn of events, and another for Yasuna, in which she reveals that she was the fox he saved, and that everything that happened between them since was an elaborate way to repay that favor.

It might be worth noting that the idea that foxes were particularly fond of chrysanthemums was a well established trope. It goes back to a poem by Bai Juyi, who in turn influenced a host of classic Japanese poets, including but not limited to Miyako no Yoshika, Ki no Haseo, Shimada no Tadaomi, Ono no Takamura and Sugawara no Michizane. By the Edo period, it was essentially common knowledge, so the scene was less surprising to contemporary audiences than it might be for us.

Despite all of the innovations in Shinodazuma Tsurigitsune Tsuketari Abe no Seimei Shusshō, its author felt no need to provide Yasuna’s wife with a name. That wasn’t exactly unique, though it’s worth stressing once again that the first version of this character from Hoki-shō for all intents and purposes did have a name, Shinoda Myōjin.

The name Kuzunoha appears for the first time in the kabuki play Shinodazuma (信太妻) from 1699. However, its origin lies in Shinodazuma Tsurigitsune Tsuketari Abe no Seimei Shusshō. A poem in the letter Seimei receives from his mother in it ends with the line “the kudzu leaves whose backs are visible” - urami kuzunoha (うらみ葛の葉). This phrase appears fairly common in waka poems. Here it serves as a wordplay - hiragana is utilized because depending on the kanji used, urami can refer not just to the underside of a leaf (裏見) but also to bitterness or resentment (怨み or 恨み). According to Cody M. Poulton, the poem actually originates in a story unrelated to Seimei which circulated in the Izumi province. Its protagonist is a hunter who saves a wounded fox, who then takes the form of a woman and marries him; the similarities are otherwise very vague, as no onmyōdo elements are involved, and the fox commits suicide in the end, after leaving behind the poem.

Naming Kuzunoha was not the only innovation of Shinodazuma. It also makes Akuemon the central villain, eliminating Dōman altogether. His villainy reaches truly cartoony heights - before starting the fox hunt already present in the earlier play he actually tries to pressure a priest at a shrine whose kami uses these animals as messengers to procure a white specimen for him.

Some more focus is given to his wife. In the earlier play, not much is said about her other than that she is sick and Akuemon is convinced he knows how to remedy that. She doesn’t even receive a name. In Shinodazuma she is called Satsuki no Mae. Furthermore, we learn that she secretly hates her husband and is only feigning an illness to avoid him. Her real love is a certain Mitani no Zenji, a retainer of Abe no Yasuna. This character already appears in a very minor role in Shinodazuma Tsurigitsune Tsuketari Abe no Seimei Shusshō, but there he is a retainer of Yasuna’s father, not Yasuna himself.

Zenji’s relevance doesn’t end there. Kuzunoha is actually saved by him, not by Yasuna. However, the conventional romance nonetheless happens, though with a twist. Kuzunoha must reveal her true form because Yasuna has an evil younger brother, Dakaku no Suke, who shows up near the end to  try to force Kuzunoha to have sex with him. To achieve that he threatens that he will kill kid Seimei. In response, his mother reveals that she is a fox, and flees. Kuzunoha returns one last time in the final scene of the play after Seimei manages to find her in the Shinoda forest with the help of another new character, a cook named Kisuke. This role was apparently added entirely to accommodate the comedic actor Yamatoya Jinbei II (大和屋甚兵衛).

Elements of Shinodazuma and its earlier partial namesake were both incorporated into yet another play, Shinoda no Mori Onna Urakata (“Female Diviner in the Shinoda Forest”), which in turn influenced the single most famous portrayal of Kuzunoha, commonly referred to simply as, nomen omen, Kuzunoha. It dates to 1734, and was originally the fourth act of a five act play, Ashiya Dōman Ōuchi Kagami (芦屋道満大内鑑; “A Courtly Mirror of Ashiya Dōman”) by Izumo Takeda (竹田出雲) II. However, the full version is rarely performed today.  As you can probably guess from the title, Ashiya Dōman Ōuchi Kagami puts Dōman, here also referred to as Ashiya no Hyōe Michitaru (芦屋兵衛道満), back into the spotlight, reversing the trend of making Akuemon more prominent. The plot is essentially a succession struggle between him and Abe no Yasuna, with a variety of unexpected twists. Both of them are portrayed as students of Kamo no Yasunori (here written as 加茂保憲 instead of the expected 賀茂保憲), who passes away prematurely without designating an heir from among his disciples. This is quite troublesome, not least because the legitimate heir will gain control over the mystical tome Kin’u Gyokuto Shū (金鳥玉兎集), which originally belonged to a Chinese sage named Hakudō (this is not the last time you’ll see him in this article) before being passed down to Yasunori. Various factions in the court aim to secure control over it to effectively control the country with the mystical divinatory knowledge contained within.

Sakaki no Mae (Minneapolis Institute of Art; reproduced here for educational purposes only)

While most characters are unaware of this, Yasunori intended to have his adopted daughter Sakaki no Mae (榊の前) marry Yasuna, and to give him Kin’u Gyokuto Shū. However, as he failed to do so in time, and only provided his daughter with a key to the secret spot where the book is hidden, a plot is set in motion by his wife. She hides the book and accuses Sakaki no Mae of stealing it to give it to Yasuna against her father’s wishes. Sakaki, who is innocent and in fact refused to open the hiding spot of the book (not that it accomplished much since her stepmother illicitly prepared a copy of the key), decides to put the blame entirely on herself to protect Yasuna and then commits suicide. However, when Yasuna learns about that he is overcome by grief and disappears.

Meanwhile, the widow’s brother Jibu no Tayū (治部大輔), who is also her co-conspirator, meets with his son-in-law Michitaru to give him the stolen Kin’u Gyokuto Shū. He orders him to use the book to divine how to make sure Miyasudokoro (御息所; not the Tale of Genji character), one of crown prince Sakuragi’s (桜木親王) concubines, who belongs to the same courtly faction, will be the first to conceive an heir. Michitaru states that the best way will be the dakini no hō (荼枳尼の法) a secret ritual which requires the liver of a white fox. Jibu no Tayū’s minion Akuemon, who as far as I can tell is not a relative of Michitaru/Dōman here, is tasked with procuring it, since he comes from an area where white foxes can be easily found.

It should be noted here that Michitaru is himself not necessarily portrayed as malevolent in this scene. While he is a participant in this scheme, and even performs rituals meant to help Akuemon with killing Rokunokimi (六の君; also not the Tale of Genji character), the concubine favored by Jibu no Tayū’s rivals, he only acts under the threat of losing both Kin’u Gyokuto Shū and his wife Tsukubane (築羽根).

All of the soap opera-worthy courtly drama forms the first act of the play. Kuzunoha only appears in the second. As we learn, she is the younger sister of Sakaki no Mae, and looks exactly the same as her. Yasuna encounters her when he reaches the Shinoda forest. Due to lacking clarity of mind, he at first assumes that he got reunited with Sakaki no Mae. However, Kuzunoha manages to help him overcome his grief, and explains she is not who she assumes she is. Yasuna is nonetheless still smitten, and asks her parents (it would appear Kuzunoha was not adopted by Kamo no Yasunori unlike her sister), Shinoda no Shōji (信太庄司) and his wife Shigarami (柵), to let them get married. 

Alas, it turns out this is impossible, because Kuzunoha’s parents already promised her to her cousin… Akuemon. Following the universal principle of “speak of the devil and he doth appear”, Akuemon promptly appears, chasing a white fox to complete the mission he was entrusted with earlier. He is instantly thwarted by Yasuna and his attendant Yokanbei (与勘平). The latter then leads Kuzunoha and her parents to safety, but Yasuna apparently doesn’t notice this, and for a moment he fears that she was kidnapped. However, his worries soon disappear, as she appears again out of nowhere. In the culmination of the second act, the two then decide to hide for some time in a remote village, Abeno (the same one as in Abe no Seimei Monogatari).

What follows sounds almost like a comedy of errors. Long story short, it turns out that Michitaru has in fact saved Rokunokimi from Akuemon and hid her in his house. When Jibu no Tayū learns about this, he orders her to be killed (again), which triggers a chain reaction. Michitaru by accident kills his father, who had no part in the plot, but tried to take the blame to shield his son from Jibu no Tayū’s wrath. Michitaru’s wife then kills her father, as she has learned about his nefarious intentions and about pressuring Michitaru into helping him. In the aftermath of all of that, Michitaru realizes he has had enough and should go back to honest onmyōdo practice he was supposed to engage in as a student of Kamo no Yasunori full time. He takes the new name Dōman to signify his transformation.

Seimei and Dōman, as depicted by Hokusai (wikimedia commons)

As I already pointed out earlier, the play doesn’t follow Dōman’s usual characterization. Quite the opposite, it’s pretty much a conscious reversal - that’s where the “mirror” in the title actually comes from. Other fictional portrayals of Dōman make him a villainous counterpart of Seimei, and Edo period audiences were well aware of that. There was no shortage of works focused on their rivalry. It’s explored in detail in Abe no Seimei Monogatari, but also for example in the 1792 novel Abe no Seimei Ichidaiki (安倍晴明一代記, “Abe no Seimei’s Life Story”).

It’s worth noting that Dōman’s villainy might have a vague historical basis. It generally assumed that he was inspired by a certain, nomen omen, Dōman (道満), known from the Seiji Yōryaku (政事要略). He was reportedly employed by Takashina no Mitsuko (高階光子) in 1008. He is described as a hōshi onmyōji (法師陰陽師), literally “ priest onmyōji” - a designation for an unofficial onmyōji, basically. Such individuals were seemingly particularly commonly hired by courtiers to curse their rivals (something a regular onmyōji was legally prohibited from engaging with). A reference to a hōshi onmyōji being accused of that is preserved in Fujiwara no Sanesuki’s diary, the Shōyūki (小右記), for example. It is not entirely uncertain if the historical Dōman was involved in similar activities, it is clear that his fictional derivative is based on the curse specialists. 

The connection between history and fiction should not be overestimated, though. The kinship between the historical and fictional Dōmans is ultimately quite vague, and the former didn’t really have anything to do with Seimei; their rivalry is an entirely fictitious invention. In particularly it’s worth pointing out it’s basically the standard to portray Dōman as older than Seimei, while the only references to his historical counterpart postdate Seimei’s death by three years - and considering he was unusually long-lived, it’s easier to assume they had nothing to do with each other than that Dōman was somehow even older than him.

Putting the historical Dōman aside, the third act was essentially custom tailored towards the tastes of contemporary audiences, but surprisingly failed to leave a lasting impact. It is instead the fourth act which became the most famous part of the play, and the most famous portrayal of Kuzunoha. It starts with a timeskip: as we learn, Yasuna and Kuzunoha got married and had a son, who is now five years old. However, it turns out that his mother is in fact not the real Kuzunoha. This is revealed when she appears with her parents to visit Yasuna - she’s been bedridden for years in the aftermath of the escape, and only recovered recently. Her parents decided to let her and Yasuna get married. However, they don’t find him at home, since he left to journey to a number of religious sites to pray for his family. They only encounter his wife. As you can probably guess, it turns out that the “Kuzunoha” Yasuna spent the past half a decade with is in fact the fox he saved from Akuemon. When this comes to light, she bids farewell to her son, and tells him to treat the real Kuzunoha as his mother instead from now on. 

When Yasuna returns, and learns what happened from the real Kuzunoha, he decides that they need to find the fox Kuzunoha. His son and the real Kuzunoha decide to assist him. Like in every other version involving a search, they eventually manage to find the fox Kuzunoha in the Shinoda forest. She shows herself to them in her true form, that of a century old white fox, and reveals that while she has cast away her earthly attachments, she plans to nonetheless still protect her son. However, to that end she had to cast away her human disguise anyway, as a fox who falls in love with a human will eventually lose all supernatural abilities otherwise. This idea is an invention of the author (had this been an established motif earlier, Tamamizu Monogatari’s namesake protagonist would have no inner dilemmas to struggle with, arguably).

After this matter is settled, the protagonists encounter Dōman. Since they are not aware of his recent deeds, they initially assume that his visit is part of some new scheme. They also accuse him of engineering the theft of Kin’u Gyokuto Shū. However, he explains that he was a tool in an evil plot before, but had a change of heart. He admits the theft accusation is not unfounded, but also that he is not responsible for Sakaki no Mae’s suicide. To atone for his past deeds, he gives the book to Yasuna. However, he says that he is too old to use it, and Dōman should instead pass it on to his son (this is probably another intentional subversion - as you’ll see later, in another story Dōman crafts an elaborate scheme to steal this book from Seimei). When the kid receives the book, he is instantly able to interpret its title. He explains that it refers to a rabbit who lives on the moon and a crow who lives in the sun, and that the book contains knowledge necessary to understand everything on earth and in heaven. Dōman praises Yasuna for teaching his son well, but he clarifies that the boy must have inherited the talent of his biological mother, who was a white fox.

Dōman is aware of a case of a supernaturally gifted kid born to a human-fox couple in China (I’m not sure if this references a specific story, also note this is not an universal motif - in at least one Tang period tale children from a similar relationship die prematurely), and therefore to verify Yasuna's claim decides to test his son’s skills. The boy effortlessly answers all of his questions. Dōman is so impressed he bestows the name Seimei upon him - he was simply referred to as Dōji (童子, “boy” - not exactly a creative name) before. To celebrate, Yasuna and Dōman decide to visit the Shinoda shrine, leaving Kuzunoha and Seimei behind.

Nakamura Utaemon III as Yakanbei, Sawamura Kunitarō II as Kuzunoha, and Arashi Rikan II as Yokanbei (Museum of Fine Arts Boston; reproduced here for educational purposes only)

Since things are evidently going too well, Akuemon suddenly appears once again, accompanied by a group of thugs. He confronts the protagonists and tries to kidnap the real Kuzunoha, but his plan is foiled by the intervention of Yokanbei and an associate of fox Kuzunoha, another white fox, who turns into a copy of him. He calls himself Yakanbei (野干平) - a pun on Yokanbei’s name and the term yakan (射干; from Chinese yegan), which could refer either to a fox-like legendary animal, a jackal, or simply a fox. The scene is intentionally comedic, and it actually takes Yokanbei a while to realize there’s a copy of him running around. In some stage adaptations the sequence was extended further with the appearance of a female servant who is yet another fox in disguise. 

After the successful rescue yet another timeskip happens. The final act shows Seimei at the age of eight. His parents decide to finally take him to Kyoto. He is already renowned for his skill, and the crown prince mentioned in passing earlier wants to meet him. However, after arriving in the capital Yasuna temporarily leaves his family, and through an unlucky twist of fate ends up killed by Akuemon, who is busy with a new scheme to curse Rokunokimi. Thankfully, when he later arrives in the court, carrying a crate which contains both a doll meant to be utilized to that end and Yasuna’s corpse, the plot is revealed through a joint effort of Seimei and Dōman. Seimei then resurrects his father, while Akuemon is executed… and that’s where the story ends (with no foxes in sight).

In the end, it might appear at first glance the play regarded as the most famous take on Kuzunoha doesn’t contain all that much Kuzunoha - not the fox Kuzunoha, at least. It’s really a play about Dōman and Yasuna in the end. Kuzunoha actually comes across as sort of expandable and forgettable in dry summaries of the play, and I don’t think mine really gives a different impression. To be fair, it’s actually a genuine theory that the apparent disposability of female characters in this case served as a criticism of the low position of women in Tokugawa society.

Regardless of whether this is true or not, it was ultimately Kuzunoha, and not Dōman, who made the play famous - and that’s why, as I briefly mentioned earlier, it’s uncommon to see the whole play on stage. It’s typically reduced just to act IV - which does actually revolve around Kuzunoha (or, to be more precise, Kuzunohas). There are two reasons behind that.

For starters, the scene of a mother parting with her child emotionally resonated with Edo period audiences to a greater degree than anything else Ashiya Dōman Ōuchi Kagami had to offer. Sure, it might be short, especially compared to the lengthy sections dealing with multi-layered courtly intrigues - but it had something they lacked: it was relatable. Making sure plays resonate with audiences, which consisted largely of commoners - often commoners who represented relatively historically recent social strata molded by changes in economy in the Edo period at that - was a common concern of playwrights. While many dealt with the distant past - especially the Heian period and the tumultuous transition into the middle ages - conscious effort was often made to incorporate contemporary elements, or to emphasize down to earth concerns, precisely to that end. The results weren’t always successful, and in some cases end up heavenly-handed and unintentionally comedic, but Takeda Izumo II evidently pulled it off. It worked so well that the rest of the play became basically unnecessary.

Furthermore, whether adapted in the form of a puppet play (as originally intended) or kabuki, the role of Kuzunoha was considered suitable for showcasing the skills of performers. Special effects, and in particular transformations from one character into another, were incredibly popular - that’s why so many plays from the Edo period have plots involving shapeshifters, doubles, mistaken identity or a combination of some or all of those elements. Foxes naturally provide a great venue for that - and Kuzunoha isn’t even the only time Takeda Izumo II capitalized on it (you will likely get to see another famous example on this blog in a few months).

Kuzunoha writing her parting poem with a brush held in her teeth (wikimedia commons)

When it comes to puppet plays, the greatest accomplishment of Kuzunoha was arguably facilitating the invention of a complex type of puppet requiring three people to operate, utilized for the first time in the scene involving her, Yokanbei and Yakanbei. In kabuki adaptations, Kuzunoha’s shapeshifting between human and fox forms is reflected by rapid change of costumes - basically the default way to measure an actor’s skill. Sometimes this is boosted further by speech quirks also used for other fox characters in kabuki. Furthermore, the actor playing her is often expected to write the poem she leaves before abandoning her family holding a brush in his (it’s an onnagata role, ie. a female character played by a man) teeth, cradling a prop representing infant not-yet-Seimei in both hands. A Meiji innovation making the role even more challenging was to have one actor play both Kuzunohas - which, naturally, required even faster costume changes. In some cases, a hat with a fox mask hidden in it is used to make it particularly rapid. Through this combination of factors, Kuzunoha, initially a minor addition to a corpus of legends about a popular protagonist which grew so large it started to absorb unrelated stories, eventually actually managed to outshine Seimei himself. Of course, it wasn’t that straightforward; Seimei’s disappearance from public consciousness didn’t just boil down to a specific kabuki attaining unexpected levels of renown. It’s also important to bear in mind that onmyōdō as a whole largely vanished from public consciousness after the Meiji reforms - and that even before them, the term didn’t necessarily invoke the image of a Heian period court official anymore (see my previous article dealing with relevant matters for more context). Even though Seimei, an at least vaguely Heian-inspired idea of onmyōdō, and the traditional villainous Dōman all made a comeback after the classic sources were “rediscovered” by new authors starting with the 1980s, Kuzunoha remains a fairly major component of what I earlier described as an “informal Seimei canon” - to the point it’s probably not hard to find people convinced she was a part of it from the very beginning. In that capacity she is a remarkable outlier. Most of the other Edo innovations are now forgotten, and Konjaku Monogatari and other early collections once again define Seimei just as they did for late Heian and early medieval audiences. And yet, the story of the most famous onmyōji being born as the son of a fox and subsequently abandoned evidently continues to resonate with new audiences.

Nothing like Kuzunoha: an excursus about the real daughter of Kamo no Yasunori

There’s an argument to be made that Seimei isn’t the only historical figure who ended up existing in the shadow of Kuzunoha, or more broadly of Ashiya Dōman Ōuchi Kagami. While Kuzunoha and Sakaki no Mae are both fictional characters, the historical Kamo no Yasunori actually did have at least one daughter. It’s safe to say she didn’t influence the creation of any of her fictional “siblings”, though. For all intents and purposes, she went down in history only as Kamo no Yasunori no Musume (賀茂保憲女), “the daughter of Kamo no Yasunori” - her real name is unknown. I personally think that in absence of any information about her name perhaps it would be preferable to use the epithet she used to refer to herself - Kamo uji naru musume, “a woman of the Kamo clan” - but I am not going to tell you to ignore the consensus, obviously. Since referring to her as “Kamo no Yasunori no musume” would get a bit cumbersome quickly, I hope you don’t mind here I will simply refer to her as “ms. Kamo”, though.

The sum of our knowledge about ms. Kamo’s life and career comes from just a single source - but what a source it is! At some point between 993 or 998, at the age of forty or so, she compiled her own poetry collection, today referred to simply as Kamo no Yasunori no Musume no shū (賀茂保憲女集) - “Kamo no Yasunori no Musume’s poetry collection” (hardly the most creative of titles). The uncertain dating reflects the fact that the only clear evidence in the work itself are references to an illness she at some point contracted, which might have been either smallpox (an epidemic occurred in 993) or measles (an epidemic occurred in 998). A lot is up to interpretation, though the illness at least for a time negatively impacted her eyesight, which seems to point at the second option.

The collection resulting from her efforts has the form of a sequence of around 240 poems accompanied by an autobiographical prose preface. This is not unusual in itself - similar collections consisting from a hundred to three hundred poems were fairly common in the later centuries of the Heian period. They were pioneered by Sone no Yoshitada around 960 or so. Depending on the exact dating of ms. Kamo’s sequence, she was either the first or second woman to contribute to this trend, though. Her contemporary Minamoto no Shigeyuki no Musume (源重之女; as you can probably guess, the daughter of Minamoto no Shigeyuki) compiled a hundred poems long sequence around 994.

While common, the hundred (or more) poem sequences were what can be described as an example of avant garde or outsider approach to poetry. In the Heian period most poems were composed during official competitions or for commemorative purposes in the imperial court. In contrast, the long sequences were typically the work of people who didn’t have opportunities to partake in official poetic events, for example lower ranking bureaucrats. Furthermore, the topics were more personal. It was fairly common to complain about unrecognized skills and slow progression in the chosen path of career, for example. This was an universe many lower ranked courtiers, as well as provincial bureaucrats, were familiar with - the Heian court was dominated by the powerful Fujiwara clan, and few people who didn’t belong to it managed to advance to the most prestigious positions (and those who did, like Sugawa no Michizane, could still end up exiled or worse as potential threats to the Fujiwa hegemony). However, in contrast with ultimately fairly formulaic complaints about stalled professional careers, ms. Kamo’s collection is essentially an outlier among outliers. It has an even more distinctly personal character. Of course, part of it is that the experience of a woman was fundamentally different from that of a male courtier. Ms. Kamo had to become a unique author in part simply because she had no models to pattern her poems on. She acknowledged herself that it was viewed as preferable for a woman to remain silent and unseen.

The life ms. Kamo wanted to document was sad and lonely - as she remarked to herself, “there is no one whose circumstances are as unhappy as mine within these islands”. The catalyst for writing was the life-threatening illness she survived, but which pretty clearly took a heavy mental toll on her. In a self-depreciating passage she described herself as "inferior in all ways to others, but better than others in getting an illness". On top of that, she felt isolated and was apparently concerned that she has failed to attain proper maturity, possibly due to remaining single - she only makes vague references to a possible failed past relationship. She apparently blamed her parents, and in one of her poems compared herself to an egg that has already putrefied before even hatching.

While I don’t necessarily think it’s incorrect to speculate that she might have felt this way due to failing to enter a relationship or forming a lasting one, it does seem that she was generally concerned about her life being stagnant, and about being confined in the same place for its entire duration. In some of her poems, she is saddened by own inability to see various wondrous phenomena and partaking in assorted pastimes (she admits she’s not even sure what was in the vogue among other noblewomen). Interestingly, she recognized that her position gives her a degree of freedom she would lack if her poetry conformed to courtly standards, though.

A further peculiar aspect of ms. Kamo’s work is her focus on social inequalities. She devotes some space to explaining why she doesn’t see class as an indication of merit. As she outlines, a virtuous and talented person might nonetheless have an unremarkable career and fail to move up. Furthermore, a humble person won’t necessarily be valued as much as they should. It was apparently a major concern for her overall that success is determined by wealth and family connections more than skill and virtue. That’s tragically a pretty timeless issue.

Some degree of opposition to the prevailing model of stratification of society was not entirely unheard of in the Heian period. Miyako no Yoshika’s uncle Miyako no Haraaka (都腹赤) famously believed that what we would by modern standards define as higher education should be available to all as opposed to hereditary nobility, for example. This was doubtlessly influenced by his own experience - his family background was unremarkable, and he managed to attain a degree of renown only thanks to a then-recent system of civil service examinations. His nephew, whose life followed a similar trajectory, purportedly opposed the encroachment of the Fujiwara clan upon educational institutions because it would limit the already not particularly plentiful opportunities people from more humbled backgrounds had. Ultimately the Chinese-style bureaucratic apparatus which enabled that collapsed, though, and even before that it obviously never managed to become the great equalizer people like Haraaka seemingly wanted it to be (it didn’t even accomplish that in China in the first place, to be fair).

Yoshishige no Yasutane (wikimedia commons) Most importantly, social inequalities are addressed in depth in the Chiteiki (池亭記), the magnum of opus of ms. Kamo’s uncle Yoshishige no Yasutane (慶滋保胤). He might have been an influence on the worldview of his niece, though unlike him she didn’t see the lack of adherence to Confucian teachings as the source of all ills. As a social critic she is ultimately without an exact parallel among her contemporaries. As cliche as that might sound, it would perhaps be most apt to say she was ahead of her times. Rather unusually for her era, she even believed romantic relationships should not be determined by social class, but rather by genuine feelings. She attributed the instability of romances among courtiers to this, even. I will refrain from speculation if this might have anything to do with the references to her own possible failed relationship.

Given the avant garde character of ms. Kamo’s works, it probably comes as no surprise to you to learn that they never had a wide circulation. She did hope for an audience - in the preface she even speculates how people in the future will imagine her based on the content of her poems. However, she never really found it.

Evidently someone had to be aware of her pursuits and kept her up to date with new trends in poetry, though. A possible candidate is, once again, her uncle Yasutane. Furthermore, some of her notes indicate she seemingly was sending at least some of her poems to someone, though whoever that was, they evidently didn’t opt to recommend her as a participant in any events focused on poetry held in the imperial court (or didn’t hold a position which would let them do so). Her poetry thus failed to captivate any larger audience, and didn’t enter the literary canon.

The only pre-modern exceptions are the inclusion of a small handful of her poems in the Shūi Wakashū (拾遺和歌集, “Collection of Gleanings”; 1006; 1 poem), Shin Kokin Wakashū (新古今和歌集, “New Collection of Ancient and Modern Poems”; 1205; 1 poem), Fūga Wakashū (風雅和歌集; “Collection of Elegant Poems”; 1348; 2 poems) and Shinshokukokin Wakashū (新続古今和歌集; “New Later Collection of Ancient and Modern Poems”; 1439; 1 poem). However, in the first two of these anthologies the author is left anonymous, presumably since she was not exactly famous and lived outside the imperial court. In the other two she is identified only as Kamo no Yasunori no musume. 

Something that bugs me a lot is that there are multiple weird unsourced claims on English wikipedia severely overestimating the esteem she enjoyed in the Heian period and beyond. Kamo no Yasunori’s entry calls her an “acclaimed poet” (and similarly without a source asserts she was his second daughter; in reality she is his only female relative we know about). Her own article asserts she was renowned for her talent, despite later citing a researcher who correctly points out she was largely overlooked through history.

I would argue that in addition to being incorrect, these bizarre descriptions are disrespectful, seeing as much of her work is centered on frustrations stemming from not only not being perceived as important, but lacking any venue giving the slightest glimmer of hope for attaining that. I’m not exactly sure if the intent was to be feminist, but I personally think it would in fact be a more feminist approach to stress what motivated her to write, and to honestly report the lack of pre-modern reception. These factors are what makes ms. Kamo unique as a poet.

Sadly even the modern reception of ms. Kamo’s work is limited at best, which is part of why I decided to include her in this article. There are at least two annotated editions of her works aimed at academics in Japanese and a handful of articles, including a single one in English which you can find in the bibliography, but not much beyond that. Ultimately it is probably fair to say her fictional counterparts sadly outshine her, which arguably adds an extra layer to this tragedy. Obviously, Edo period playwrights weren’t deliberately trying to do so - odds are decent they weren’t even aware she existed - but it saddens me a bit that no attempt was made to find room for her in any modern adaptations of stories involving fictionalized portrayals of her father. An argument can even be made that ms. Kamo had some familiarity with onmyōdō. While it is not a major theme in her poetry, and she never referenced yin, yang and related concepts directly, she was evidently familiar with Chinese literature and philosophy to some degree. She references the Book of Changes and the well known (at the time, at least) story of Su Wu, for instance. It might also be worth noting that she was aware it was believed certain ascetic practices can extend the lifespan - for example consuming pine needles. It’s actually fairly likely that some of her familiarity with Chinese literature came from overhearing her brothers’ lessons - we actually know this must have been the case for some women in the Heian period. For instance, Murasaki Shikibu de facto received informal education this way. There’s even a proposal in scholarship which has gained some support that part of ms. Kamo’s bitterness might have come from perceiving herself as equally capable of learning as her brothers, but never really receiving opportunities to prove it.

Beyond Kuzunoha: other figures of note in Seimei narratives

After the largely historical excursus, let’s go back to fiction. As I mentioned earlier, many once popular recurring characters from stories about Seimei - from early legends to Edo period novels - largely languish in obscurity today, even though Seimei himself arguably regained his prominence. I figured it is only fair to discuss some examples I consider particularly interesting as well.

Rika

While Abe no Seimei Monogatari is notable for being one of the earliest works which feature (a prototype of) Kuzunoha, it also provides Seimei with a further fictional female relative, a wife named Rika (梨花). And she is, quite unexpectedly, an antagonist who aids Dōman.

The historical Seimei presumably did have a family, but as far as I am aware no source mentions anything about the identity of his spouse. He definitely had children, most notably Abe no Yoshihira (安倍吉平; 954–1026), which does indicate the existence of a ms. Abe (or at least a mistress whose child was legitimized, I suppose). I won’t dwell much Yoshihira here, as he is largely irrelevant for the matters this article focuses on, though it’s worth noting that he famously managed to enact an onmyōdō takeover of hanshi (反支; from Chinese fanzhi), formerly handled by court physicians. This procedure was supposed to determine if anything inauspicious might happen during the birth of a child.

I’m only aware of a single source predating Abe no Seimei Monogatari which would mention Seimei’s wife at all, and it is similarly a literary text rather than a historical document. However, she is left nameless in it, and her characterization differs considerably. Rather unexpectedly, it’s not strictly speaking a Seimei story, but rather the fourteenth century Genpei Jōsuiki - an extended version of the Heike Monogatari. In the passage in mention Taira no Tokiko performs hashiura (橋占), an unusual form of divination. Instead of the movement of celestial bodies, it required listening to the conversations of passersby on a bridge. She chooses the Ichijō-modoribashi (一条戻 橋) in Kyoto, where she encounters a group of twelve unusual children, who all repeat the same prophecy. She quickly realizes they’re actually shikigami, and not just any shikigami at that, but rather manifestations of the Twelve Heavenly Generals (十二神, jūnishin).

Why are the Twelve Heavenly Generals there, instead of performing the Medicine Buddha and engaging in other typical Heavenly General pursuits? That’s where Seimei’s wife comes in. It is revealed that Seimei sealed the Generals under the bridge because his wife was capable of seeing supernatural beings, including them, just like he was, but was afraid of them. As a result of Seimei’s ritual, hashiura performed there was guaranteed to result in receiving prophetic messages from the Twelve Heavenly Generals, even if they used passersby to convey it. The reference to supernatural powers is certainly interesting - in other literary texts a similar ability is enough for the protagonist to be granted the right to study onmyōdō (a good example is a Konjaku Monogatari story about Kamo no Yasunori’s childhood) - but the topic is not explored further.

Ichijō-modoribashi in 2005, with the shikigami statue on the left (wikimedia commons)

It’s worth noting that the story seemingly had a degree of influence on the surroundings of Ichijō-modoribashi bridge. Today there’s a statue of a shikigami next to it. However, he’s not one of the Twelve Heavenly Generals, but rather an anonymous critter who appears in medieval portraits of Seimei as his personal shikigami. Compare the two depictions below, courtesy of wikimedia commons:

As for Abe no Seimei Monogatari, as thrilling as the summary of Rika’s character sounds, she sadly receives very little spotlight. We don’t learn how she met Seimei, where she came from, or the circumstances of their marriage. No information from the Genpei Jōsuiki episode is referenced, either, and I think it’s safe to say the two takes on Seimei’s wife are independent from each other - though it’s not hard to find people treating them as the same character online. To be fair, it’s not like these sources are impossible to reconcile with each other.

Rika and Seimei are already married when she is mentioned for the first time, when Seimei leaves to China to study under Hakudō Shōnin. In his absence Dōman, who after losing a bet had to become his disciple earlier, conspires with Rika (to be fair, Seimei for whatever reason entrusted him with taking care of her in his absence). His goal is to gain insight into two books Seimei owns: the Kin’u Gyokuto Shū, written by Hakudō Shōnin, and the Hoki Naiden, brought to Japan by Kibi no Makibi. She shows him a box in which Seimei keeps them. He wastes no time and after figuring out how to open it studies both books and copies them.

When Seimei returns, Dōman offers him a wager. He claims that the books were revealed to him in a dream by the bodhisattva Monju, and suggests that he can prove it. Seimei, who does not believe in dream visions, and remains blissfully unaware of Rika’s actions in his absence, agrees, and says that Dōman can kill him if he really does have the books - that’s how implausible this scenario is to him. To his shock, his rival-turned-apprentice reveals the copies he prepared, and in accordance with their agreement kills him. Dōman then gets rid of everyone else in Seimei’s household by turning them into pieces of straw and wood - the only exception is Rika. The two become a couple; the narrator notes this is something he has desired for a long while already, though as far as I can tell the novel doesn’t mention it at any earlier point. We don’t really learn anything about Rika’s views on the matter, sadly.

Dōman’s triumph is short-lived. Through an omen, Hakudō Shōnin learns that Seimei has died and arrives in Japan to resurrect him and let him avenge his death. He visits Dōman and, in a mirror of the trick he played on Seimei earlier, gets him to agree that he should be killed if it turns out Seimei is alive. Seimei, alive and well thanks to Hakudō Shōnin’s magical abilities, promptly appears to complete this wager. Rika attempts to hide behind a curtain to avoid a similar fate, but this proves to be unsuccessful. While she doesn’t make a similar bargain with Hakudō Shōnin, the narrator states that this is ultimately a just outcome. Both conspirators are then buried near the bank of the Gojō River, and that’s basically it for their role in the story. Neither portrayal of Seimei’s wife gained much notoriety in later works. I would assume the fact that through the Edo period ultimately it was the story of his parents that captivated the audience was a factor (it would be hard to explore his own relationships if most new stories had him as a 5-year-old), but this is entirely speculative.

As for modern authors: Yumemakura Baku, whose novels about Seimei contributed towards the development of the “onmyōdō boom” in popculture, acknowledged in an interview that the historical Seimei presumably did have a wife, but said he has no plans to explore this topic.

Makuzu (bottom left) from Okano's adaptation of Yumemakura's novels (MELODY; reproduced here for educational purposes only)

This being said, the manga adaptation of his works by Okano Reiko apparently did introduce a character loosely based on her Genpei Jōsuiki portrayal named Makuzu (真葛). The reception of this addition appears to be mixed, but as I haven't read this series I won’t pass judgment. This being said, if the Makuzu subplot really does involve Seimei learning they’re the reincarnation of a pharaoh and his wife out of blue, let’s just say I think I’d rather stick to Yumemakura’s prose version.

I was also able to find a single modern work which actually features Rika: Onmyōji Abe no Seimei - Saishū Kessen (陰陽師 安倍晴明ー最終決戦; “Onmyōji Abe no Seimei - Final Battle”) a very loose stage play adaptation of Abe no Seimei Monogatari by the troupe Gesshoku Kageki Dan (月蝕華撃團). A recording from 2021 can be found on their youtube channel:

Additionally there are numerous photos of the costumes on their social media (a selection of my favorites: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5). Parts of the plot seem… very avant garde compared to the original, but I do like the actress portraying Seimei, Shiranaga Ayumi  (白永歩美), a lot. Note that Seimei isn’t supposed to be a woman here, though (this remains an idea largely exclusive to Fromsoft’s Kuon); this troupe’s performances pretty commonly involve actresses playing male roles, as I understand. Whether intentional or not, in this case it ends up as a neat parallel to men traditionally playing Kuzunoha in the Edo period and beyond.

Hakudō Shōnin

An illustration of Hakudō Shōnin from the Abe no Seimei Monogatari 

Given that I already brought up Hakudō Shōnin (伯道上人; sometimes translated as “Saint Hakudō”) multiple times, I don’t think it’s particularly shocking that I consider him another character who warrants more spotlight. At least one Edo period source, Jinrin Kinmō Zui (人倫訓蒙図彙; “Illustrated Dictionary of Different Kinds of People”) from 1690, seems to treat him as a historical figure. The entry on diviners (占師, uranaishi) states that Kamo no Yasunori brought Chinese divination methods originally invented by Fuxi to Japan, but also that Abe no Seimei was taught them by Hakudō Shōnin.  In reality, not only is Hakudō entirely fictitious, he didn’t even originate in China. In theory his name would be Bodao Shangren in Chinese - but no Chinese source actually mentions him. He is essentially a representation of the Japanese idea of what a Chinese Buddhist sage slash Daoist immortal (he is described as both simultaneously) would be like. In art he is seemingly generally portrayed in the garb of a monk. I’ve seen a single more unique depiction recently, but I was unable to verify its provenance:

It’s fair to say that in literature Hakudō Shōnin is portrayed as part ascetic, part onmyōji. This might seem unusual - after all, the historical Heian period onmyōji were essentially government officials not too different from other mid-level courtiers. However, Hakudō’s portrayal is not particularly outlandish - it reflects ideas about is onmyōji widespread in medieval sources. The fact that divinatory techniques associated with onmyōdō were often transmitted by shugenja - mountain ascetics - in this period is doubtlessly related, but I won’t pursue this point further here. 

As far as literature goes, the merging of onmyōdō and asceticism is evident in legends about the legendary sage Hōdō Shōnin (法道上人, Sanskrit Dharmamārga) or the historical Tendai monk Jōzō (浄蔵). In the Kojidan (古事談), compiled by Minamoto no Akikane (源顕兼) around 1212-1215, even Seimei himself is described as a hermit who gained mastery of onmyōdō by leading an ascetic life in in Kumano (a particularly favored location for such activities) for a thousand days.

Given that this image of Seimei doesn’t really reemerge in later sources, I’m admittedly curious if perhaps Hakudō wasn’t created to offer an indirect way to incorporate it into broader informal “Seimei canon” - so that instead of Seimei gaining knowledge through asceticism, he instead acquired it from an ascetic? This is entirely speculative on my part, though. Note that there might very well be older sources mentioning Hakudō than those I am aware of, which depending on date could instantly sink this proposal.

Stories involving Hakudō were already in circulation in the fourteenth century. An early example appears in the preface to Hoki Naiden. It describes him as a disciple of the bodhisattva Monju who after attaining enlightenment received the scroll Monju Sesshū Butsurekikyō (“Sutra of Buddha Calendar Assembled by Monju”) from him. He then brought it with him to China, where he came up with a new title for it, Hoki Naiden Kin’u Gyokuto Shū . Many years later Seimei learned about it from him, and made it the to-go point of reference for fellow onmyōji in Japan under its full title. It should be noted here that another tradition had Seimei himself as the author, though. In reality it was most likely only composed in the fourteenth century by a hitherto unidentified descendant of the historical Seimei (or at least someone who saw association with him as a source of own credibility), though.

The Hoki Naiden preface also states that Hakudō arrived in Japan after Seimei’s death to resurrect him. To that end he collected all his bones - “12 big bones and 360 small bones altogether” - and performed a special ritual. Noriko T. Reider notes that this passage resembles a number of legends involving a historical figure either trying to create a new living being out of bones or other body parts (Minamoto no Morofusa and Saigyō in two separate tales from the Senjūshō), or encountering a person created this way (Ki no Haseo in Haseo Zōshi). The difference is obviously that Hakudō brings a specific dead person to life instead of creating a new living being, and that the deed is portrayed firmly positively. Still, given that all of these stories have been composed roughly in the same time period, it does seem fair to say we’re dealing with different takes on the same motif.

It’s worth noting that while Hakudō Shōnin is essentially absent from modern Seimei media - presumably since Seimei is, true to historical sources, usually portrayed as a disciple of Kamo no Yasunori (or, alternatively, his father Kamo no Tadayuki) - in the middle ages he was famous enough to even be referenced in at least one variant of one the most famous medieval Japanese works possible, namely in the Ōeyama Ekotoba (大江山絵詞), a Muromachi period illustrated version of the Shuten Dōji legend. It puts a peculiar twist on the connection between him and Seimei, though. It is revealed that instead of being a disciple and a master, respectively, they are two incarnations of Ryūju Bosatsu (龍樹菩薩) - the bodhisattva form of the early Buddhist philosopher Nāgārjuna, venerated in Japan by the Shingon school. 

Hakudō encountering the bodhisattva Monju Both of the Hoki Naiden legends mentioned above were incorporated into Abe no Seimei Monogatari. An entire section of this novel is additionally dedicated to Hakudō’s early career and the origin of the Hoki Naiden. It states he was born during the reign of the Zhou dynasty (so he’s over a thousand years old - possibly nearly two thousand years old - by the time he meets Seimei), and that he initially lived in Jingshan. He tried to master yin, yang, earth and haven, but failed to do so. This prompted him to go on a journey, during which he encountered a supernatural youth - an incarnation of the bodhisattva Monju -  who informed him that his approach was wrong. He let Hakudō become his disciple on Mt. Wutai (however, in the Hoki-shō his studies take place in India instead). 

Under Monju’s guidance Hakudō managed to learn all of the mysteries he wanted to know, becoming a master of divination in the process. He also attained the rank of an arhat. He later returned to Jingshan, where he compiled the teachings of the bodhisattva revealed to him in 160 volumes.

Donfang Shuo (wikimedia commons)

Through the following centuries, Hakudō secretly revealed small snippets to various rulers and sages, including Jiang Ziya, Fan Li, Zhang Liang, Kong Anguo and Heshang Gong. The scrolls were eventually gifted to emperor Wu of Han, whose courtier Donfang Shuo (a veritable Han dynasty reneissance man) managed to become a great sage just by studying them (remember this detail, it will be relevant later).

As you can probably tell, the passage dealing with Seimei’s resurrection inspired the section of the story involving Rika, which I already summarized above.

Hōdō Shōnin in Abe no Seimei Monogatari As a side note, it’s worth pointing out that Abe no Seimei Monogatari also features Hōdō Shōnin in a small capacity. Somewhat confusingly, he is described both as a Daoist immortal and as a monk from India. Dōman claims to be his disciple to make himself appear greater than in reality, but in reality he merely inherited a book written by ancestor Ashiya no Suguri Kiyofuto (藍屋村主清太; as far as I know, a character invented for this novel), who encountered Hōdō Shōnin around 300 years prior to the events of the story. While this sounds like setting up further intentional parallels between him and Seimei, as far as I can tell it’s not implied that Hōdō and Hakudō were rivals, and the former otherwise appears chiefly in legends unrelated to Seimei - most commonly ones dealing with the foundation of Buddhist temples. It also needs to be noted that since this is a work following the traditional negative portrayal of Dōman, the narrator makes it clear that despite claiming to be Hōdō’s disciple and even dressing up like a monk (a possible allusion to the term for unofficial onmyōji I’ve already discussed, I assume?) he was impious and even committed unspecified crimes. Hakudō Shōnin also makes an appearance in Shinodazuma Tsurigitsune Tsuketari Abe no Seimei Shusshō. In this play Seimei meets him when he is ten years old. Hakudō gives him the Kin’u Gyokuto Shū. It is also revealed that in the past he met Seimei’s ancestor Abe no Nakamaro when the latter acted as an envoy in China. His resurrection ritual is also referenced: when in the final act of the play Dōman’s subordinates kill Seimei’s father Yasuna, he has to be resurrected using Hakudō Shōnin’s bone-gathering method. While as I already summarized earlier Yasuna’s final fate is quite similar in Ashiya Dōman Ōuchi Kagami, no reference is made to any Chinese sages - it’s just one of the many abilities young Seimei has already mastered.

Kibi no Makibi (and Abe no Nakamaro)

An Edo period portrait of Kibi no Makibi (wikimedia commons)

Unlike Rika, who you can at best call semi-historical (in that the real Seimei probably did have a wife) and Hakudō Shōnin, who is entirely fictitious, the final figure I’d like to introduce you to in this article, Kibi no Makibi (吉備真備; 695-775), was a real person. His accomplishments and postmortem career as a literary character would honestly be enough for a separate article - here I will only limit myself to a small handful of sources due to space constraints. Makibi famously traveled to China twice, first as a student and then as an ambassador, and between these two journeys spent around 20 years (around one fourth of his life!) on the mainland. He was considered unusually erudite, and was one of the foremost Japanese scholars of his era. Due to his renown he also held a number of prominent positions in the court, including the incredibly prestigious role of minister of the right (右大臣, udaijin); the only other scholar to ever attain this rank was Sugawara no Michizane.

Next to Seimei and Kamo no Yasunori, Makibi is also probably one of the most famous onmyōji in history - which is quite a feat given that he actually had next to nothing to do with onmyōdō in life. Early sources, such as Shoku Nihongi (797) and Miyoshi no Kiyoyuki’s (三善清行; 847-919) Iken Fūji Jūni Kajō (意見封事十二箇条, “Statement of Opinion on Twelve Matters”) agree that he was unusually skilled, and that in China he mastered many arts, including but not limited to Confucian classics, history, arithmetic, music, poetry, and calligraphy, but they don’t link him with onmyōdō at all.

It’s hard to tell when and why the shift in the perception of Makibi’s knowledge occurred, but he is already described as not just an onmyōji, but the founder of onmyōdō in Fujiwara no Akihira’s (藤原明衡; 989-1066) Shin Sarugōki (新猿楽記, “Account of the New Monkey Music”). Another example can be found in the Konjaku Monogatari, where Makibi is portrayed using his onmyōdō skills to pacify the vengeful spirit of Fujiwara no Hirotsugu. By the twelfth century, regarding Makibi as an onmyōji was common. This is evident in the works most relevant to this article, namely fictionalized accounts of his journey to China. The oldest of them, Kibi Nittō no Kan no Koto (吉備入唐の間の事, “Kibi’s Adventures in China”), is preserved in Ōe no Masafusa’s Gōdanshō (江談抄). A more vague account can be found in the Fusō Ryakki (扶桑略記, "Brief History of Fusang"), though it is likely a derivative of the Gōdanshō one.

Makibi (in black robes) and Chinese officials (all images from this scroll have been taken from the website of the Museum of Fine Arts Boston; reproduced here for educational purposes only)

Masafusa’s account of the journey also inspired the illustrated scroll Kibi Daijin Nittō Emaki (吉備大臣入唐絵巻, “Illustrated Adventures of Minister Kibi in China“), which was most likely commissioned by emperor Go-Shirakawa between the late 1170 and early 1180s. Like other similar contemporary works, Kibi Daijin Nittō Emaki has very little to do with historical reality. It relays that after arriving in China, Makibi was imprisoned by local officials, who feared that due to being exceptionally skilled he would make them look inept in comparison. To regain his freedom he had to overcome a series of trials.

Distinctly oni-like vengeful Nakamaro

Makibi's only ally is the vengeful spirit of Abe no Nakamaro (阿倍仲麻呂; 698-770). He is described as the previous ambassador. After a similar ordeal he died in captivity.

In reality, Nakamaro traveled to China alongside Makibi in 716. However, he was not an envoy, but merely a student who was allowed to join an official delegation. What is true is that he never returned to Japan. This was not the result of any nefarious plot, let alone premature death, though. He successfully completed the Chinese civil service exam and became an official. He did try to return to Japan in 735, but a storm left him shipwrecked at the coast of Annam (a part of modern Vietnam which at the time was a Chinese protectorate), and he opted to return to his career. He also attained some renown as a poet, and was on friendly terms with the poetic superstars of his times, Li Bai and Wang Wei. All around his real life was most likely happier than the story would indicate - though based on his surviving poetry it is safe to assume he did feel homesick in some capacity.

Nakamaro longing for home in Abe no Seimei Monogatari

Obviously, Kibi Daijin Nittō Emaki is a particularly extreme example of reinterpretation of Nakamaro’s life in literature postdating him. However, portrayals focused on his longing for a return home are quite common, and appear as early as in the Tosa Nikki (土佐日記, “Tosa Diary”) by Ki no Tsurayuki, completed around 935. It should be noted that by the tenth century or so, even venturing beyond the capital was commonly described as a daunting task, and dying in exile was one of the greatest fears for courtiers. Based on these developments, it can also be argued that the fictionalized portrayal of Nakamaro is an example of a phenomenon derived from these fears - the belief that people who died far away from home would return as vengeful ghosts. He could thus be considered a peer of the likes of Sugawara no Michizane or prince Sawara. The possibility that someone would move to a far off land voluntarily, and die there peacefully of natural causes, would probably be hard to grasp for late Heian audiences. 

Pacified Nakamaro (right) talking to Makibi (left)

Anyway, back to the story. Makibi’s captors are actually convinced that Nakamaro, who became a vengeful spirit and haunts the tower where the new envoy ends up imprisoned, will kill him. However, even though Nakamaro appears to Makibi in a fierce oni-like form, he ends up pacified through what might be an unusual ritual. Makibi informs him that he is in the presence of an official envoy, and as such needs to take a suitable form. This evidently works - through the rest of the scroll Nakamaro, now a staunch ally of Makibi, is depicted in the attire of a Japanese official, just with an unconventional distinctly orange skin tone. Makibi also learns that Nakamaro is concerned about his relatives, and reassures him that his entire clan is doing well.

Makibi and Nakamaro flying After surviving the encounter with Nakamaro, Makibi is informed that his trials are set to begin. The first of them involves learning the Wen Xuan (文選, “Selections of Refined Literature”). He is not familiar with this anthology, but using a secret art enabling him to fly he manages to secretly reach the imperial palace to listen to scholars reading it. In the illustrated version he masters flight himself, which is presumably meant to show he is in full control of the situation, and there is no genuine threat in his temporary captivity. However, in Masafusa’s forerunner it is Nakamaro who can fly, and Makibi relies on his help. Either way, the aerial journey is successful, and when a Chinese official appears to question Makibi, he reveals a copy of Wen Xuan he prepared in secret based on what he heard, thus completing the first challenge.

Makibi playing go The next day, Makibi is set to face a master of go. This might seem random, but playing it was a fairly standard part of diplomatic visits, and in fact in at least some cases envoys were selected based on their go skills. Makibi is unfamiliar with it, though, and has to learn the rules from Nakamaro. He quickly comes up with an ingenious, if unconventional, strategy. Initially neither side gains an advantage, but eventually Makibi notices an opportunity to use his secret gambit arises He swallows one of his opponent’s pieces, which lets him attain victory. A diviner informs the Chinese officials about this, and they tell Makibi to take a purgative to prove he was cheating, but he manages to counter its effects with his esoteric knowledge.

Makibi’s success infuriates the officials, and they decide that to hinder him they’ll try to starve him. He manages to overcome this hardship with the help of Nakamaro, who secretly brings him food every night. This continues for months, but eventually the time of another challenge comes.

A statue from Saiō-ji depicting Baozhi revealing his nature as an incarnation of the bodhisattva Avalokiteśvara (Kyoto National Museum; reproduced here for educational purposes only)

As it turns out, the officials decided to seek the help of a virtuous Buddhist monk, the Chan master Baozhi (宝志禅师; he actually lived during the reign of Wu of Liang, some 250 years before Makibi’s journey), who prepared a barrier meant to prevent supernatural beings from entering the palace where Makibi will be tested. This means that for the first time he will have to manage without any help from Nakamaro. His new task to interpret a complex poem, Yabatai (邪馬台). Its contents aren’t discussed in the story; it was a purported prophecy according to which Japan will undergo division and ultimately perish after the reign of the hundredth emperor. Needless to say, following the traditional order which includes mythical and legendary emperors, the prophecy evidently didn’t come to pass - Go-Komatsu was #100, Naruhito is #126. Makibi initially cannot even decipher a single sign. In despair, he prays to Sumiyoshi and Kannon of Hasedera. A spider miraculously appears, and moves across the text to help him read it properly. The gathered officials, as well as the Chinese emperor, are in awe. However, they don’t let Makibi return home, and once again lock him in the tower.

Shortly afterwards, Makibi is reunited with his ally Nakamaro, and enlists his help once more. He asks him to find a century old set of sugoroku paraphernalia. With the help of these tools, he causes an eclipse. The emperor learns about its cause from his diviners, and has his officials question Kibi. He claims that the only way to end the eclipse is to let him return to Japan. This time, they oblige, and the story ends. The forerunner preserved by Masafusa indicates that Makibi was also credited with bringing the Wen Xuan, the Yabatai and the game of go to Japan. In reality, go and Wen Xuan were already known in Japan before his journey. Meanwhile, according to the Edo period philosopher Hayashi Gahō Yabatai was most likely a hoax composed in Japan in the Heian period, even though it was held to be the work of Baozhi.

It is commonly assumed in scholarship that the story was meant to reflect somewhat xenophobic attitudes towards China or more broadly towards foreign lands prevalent at the time of its composition. While in Makibi’s and Nakamaro’s times sending envoys to China was relatively common, and Japanese emperors actively sought contact with their Chinese counterparts (though occasionally diplomatic correspondence could end up awkward as both sides aimed to present themselves as superior), with time similar journeys became less frequent, and started to be perceived as increasingly dangerous (to be fair - the risk of getting shipwrecked was genuinely fairly high). It might be significant that formal diplomacy resumed during the reign of Go-Shirakawa, though. It is distinctly possible that he saw this success as a parallel to Makibi’s legendary deeds, and commissioned an illustrated edition to basically congratulate himself.

An alternate proposal is that Kibi Daijin Nittō Emaki arose as a part of an onmyōdō feud between the Kamo and Abe clans. For what it’s worth, it does seem that despite earlier successful arrangements meant to guarantee a division of positions in the court both the Abe and the Kamo would be satisfied with, tensions arose between them during reigns of emperors Toba and Go-Shirakawa, so roughly at the time of its composition. However, the interpretation of the story as a product of this conflict rests on the argument that Makibi is portrayed as more clever and skilled than Nakamaro. This sort of power level discussion is not entirely rooted in the primary sources, where the two clearly work as a team. There are further problems with this interpretation, too.

An obvious issue is that while the link between Abe no Nakamaro and the Abe clan is self-explanatory, it is not exactly evident in which way Makibi would be a representation of the Kamo. It is sometimes claimed in scholarship that the Kamo clan claimed descent from him, but this appears to be an Edo period misconception. It’s most likely a result of confusion between Kamo no Kibimaro (鴨吉備麻呂), a member of the Kamo clan who also traveled to China (his journey occurred earlier, during the final years of the reign of Wu Zetian), and Makibi. No reference to a relation between Makibi and the Kamo can be found in the fourteenth century genealogical treatise Sonpi Bunmyaku (尊卑分脈; “Genealogical Branches of the High and the Low”), though. Kamo no Yasunori is essentially treated as the founder of this lineage. A further problem is that there’s no good reason to doubt that the scroll was prepared for emperor Go-Shirakawa - who himself favored the Abe clan, as evidenced by the esteem Abe no Yasuchika (安倍泰親) enjoyed in his court.

Kibi Daijin Nittō Emaki wasn’t commonly copied in the Kamakura and Muromachi periods, but portraying Makibi as an onmyōji only became more entrenched in literature over the middle ages. He was supposedly responsible for transmitting rituals focused on Tenkeisei (天刑星, “Star of Heavenly Punishment“; this deity was held to be a master of all shikigami, for more info see my previous article) alongside Kamo no Yasunori. In a local tradition from Mount Hiromine, he was credited with enabling the enshrinement of Gozu Tennō by making a pact with him during his journeys to China.

While the examples cited above were essentially new, the specific story illustrated in Kibi Daijin Nittō Emaki evidently wasn’t forgotten either. It regained popularity in the Edo period, as evidenced by its various new adaptations. These include works from various genres, such as Koikawa Harumachi’s novel Kibi no Nihon Jie (吉備能日本知恵, “Japanese Kibi’s Ingenuity”) or the kabuki play Kibi Daijin Shina Tan (吉備大臣支那譚, “Story of Minister Kibi in China”). However, from the perspective of this article what matters the most is that it was incorporated into Abe no Seimei Monogatari, thus firmly becoming a part of Seimei’s origin story.

A personification of Mars, as depicted in Sōkan’s Iconographic Drawings of the Secrets of the Nine Luminaries (public domain; via Metropolitan Museum of Art)

The novel introduces Abe no Nakamaro first, and reveals that he was the reincarnation of Dongfang Shuo (remember him?) and by extension of the planet Mars (sic). Since Dongfang Shuo was incredibly loyal to his country, it was only natural the same was true for his reincarnation. However, as Nakamaro was born in Japan, and not China, this was less than optimal in the specific situation he found himself in. After arriving in China as an envoy, he was imprisoned - as described in earlier works - because his actions were perceived as disrespectful. He dies in prison shortly after.

A year after Nakamaro’s ill fated journey, Kibi no Makibi arrives in China as the next envoy. The Chinese emperor, Xuanzong, is infuriated that the tribute he presented was inadequate, and considers executing him, but decides to give him a way out. If he can complete a series of trials, he will be allowed to return to Japan instead (inadequate tribute be damned). These overlap with the earlier versions, though the order is changed.

Makibi playing go in Abe no Seimei Monogatari

The first of the trials involves go. Makibi is set to face a master of this game, a certain Xiandang (玄東; Gentō in Japanese) in it. His opponent actually doesn’t have a name in any of the early accounts of his adventures in China; it seems this was an innovation of an abbreviated version from the Hoki-shō.

The fateful go match, as imagined by Kunisuda Utagawa; note the inclusion of Xiandang's wife (Egenolf Gallery; reproduced here for educational purposes only) The name evidently caught on, though, since in addition to Abe no Seimei Monogatari it also pops up in other Edo period works, such as the 1852 kabuki play Kin’u Gyokuto Wakoku no Irifune (金烏玉兎倭国入船, “The Golden Crow, the Jade Rabbit, and the Ship that Arrived from Japan”). The resolution also differs somewhat: Makibi learns go by secretly observing Xiandang, who plays it regularly with his wife at home. He wins two matches against him fair and square, without the need to eat any of the pieces.

A spider helps Makibi

The Wenxuan trial is next; it essentially goes the same as in Kibi Daijin Nittō Emaki. The Yabatai trial is altered slightly, though. For starters, Bao Zhi is not physically present - he is only referenced as the poem’s supposed author. The emperor selects it specifically because it’s uniquely difficult, and he can’t read it himself. Nakamaro learns about this, and tells Makibi the best solution might be to pray, which he promptly does. No reference is made to Sumiyoshi, but Kannon of Hasadera gets a more prominent role. Makibi’s devotion to this figure is stressed over and over again. The spider whose help lets him read Yabatai is explicitly identified as a manifestation of this bodhisattva, as well. Reading Yabatai is presented as a grand feat. The entire court cheers (a far cry from the excessively villainous portrayal of courtly officials in Kibi Daijin Niitō Emaki). Even the emperor is deeply moved by Makibi’s skill, and instead of simply letting him go back home as he initially intended he tells him that he can stay as long as he wants in China in order to study. This seems like an attempt at reconciling fictional portrayals of Makibi’s journey with historical reality - I must say I think it works pretty well.

In any case, Makibi accepts the offer, and spends a long time studying various arts in China, much like he did in real life. When he finally decides to return to Japan, Xuanzong bestows various gifts on him, including a variety of literary texts, musical instruments, relics of the Buddha, a robe made from the hide of a “fire-rat” (火鼠, huoshu in Chinese, kaso in Japanese; Makibi could thus complete at least one of the trials of princess Kaguya if he only met her) and, most importantly, the Hoki Naiden (presumably passed down from emperor to emperor, though the story doesn’t state it explicitly). He also ordered a thousand monks to pray to guarantee his voyage back home would be safe.

The Abe no Seimei Monogatari account of Makibi deeds doesn’t end here, in contrast with Kibi Daijin Nittō Emaki. He safely returns to Japan, and the emperor bestows prestigious positions upon him as a reward for his accomplishments in China. Many years later, as an elderly man, he starts feeling like he essentially ended up with a life that should’ve been Nakamaro’s, though (somewhat confusingly, Nakamaro makes no physical appearance after the trials), and decides to find his family. He is unsuccessful, and ultimately writes in his will that he wants his own descendants to seek Nakamaro’s to give them the Hoki Naiden. As it later turns out, they have fallen into poverty, and have no real use for this tome. It ends up hidden until the birth of Abe no Seimei many years later.

The same events are described differently in the Hoki-shō. Makibi acquires the Hoki Naiden basically through the same means as in Abe no Seimei Monogatari, but after returning from China he gives it to young Seimei, who is introduced as a descendant of Nakamaro. In reality, despite sharing the same family name Nakamaro and Seimei were not directly related, though (Abe no Seimei Monogatari approaches this issue slightly differently, by having Seimei be a reincarnation of Nakamaro,as revealed by Hakudō). Furthermore, comparing the dates of Makibi’s journey and Seimei’s birth makes any encounter between them chronologically awkward.

It seems in at least some other works Makibi had one more role to play in setting up Seimei’s career: supposedly Kuzunoha (or, at the very least, Shinoda Myōjin) could be portrayed as his reincarnation. The problem is, while I have no reason to doubt the authenticity of this tradition, I can’t pinpoint its original source for now - this is in part why this article took so long to release. 

More than once I’ve seen an assertion that it comes from a sekkyobushi, but as I outlined earlier, it seems no actual evidence for the existence of such an adaptation is available. Furthermore, the most prominent online source of this claim is seemingly a blog on which I also found posts uncritically discussing Hotsuma Tsutae and JJCAT - which doesn’t exactly fill me with optimism. In the article Kitsunenyōbō Ni Miru Ikai ― Futari no Kuzunoha Ga Deau Koto ― Atsuko Katō states that the notion of Shinoda Myōjin being a reincarnation of Kibi no Makibi comes from Abe no Seimei Monogatari, but either this is a mistake, or for some strange reason a scene was omitted in Nana Miyata’s recent German translation (Die Erzählungen vom Leben und Wirken des Divinationsmeisters Abe no Seimei); unless the reference is actually to be found in the supplement to Abe no Seimei Monogatari which had the form of a divination manual, which is left out of the translation. Finally, the Kuzunoha article from Japanese Wikipedia gives the source as Shinodazuma Tsurigitsune Tsuketari Abe no Seimei Shusshō, relying on an anthology of Edo period puppet plays from 1965, edited by Shigeru Yokoyama. Sadly, I can’t consult the full text of this work to verify. I’ll update this article if I ever manage to solve this conundrum. Until then, though, it must end on a slightly unsatisfying note. Bibliography Tumblr for some unfathomable reason didn't let me include a bibliography here, so sadly you have to visit a google doc to access it. I'm sorry.

[holycatsandrabbits]

How to Write Romantic Pining

When writing romance, pining is everything. Readers want to see how desperately a character wants the romance, and how fervently they believe it’s never going to happen. That way, when it does happen, the rush of happy emotions takes the reader right along with it.

Writing pining is all about playing with your character’s emotions, which romance writers probably enjoy far too much. Let’s start with the happy part:

Your character is in love.

And probably lust as well. In any case, they believe their crush is the most wonderful, beautiful, amazing person in the entire world. Your character imagines what it would be like to spend a day with their crush, a dance, a night, a lifetime. Your character wants to be their crush’s special someone, the person they come to when they need help, whose comforting embrace they seek. The person who’s allowed to touch and kiss and openly love them. 

Now it may be the case that your character is already some of these things to their crush: a best friend, a confidant who knows what makes them laugh, a person who’s seen what their smile looks like under every kind of light. It might even be the case that your character and their crush are already lovers. But it’s just not enough for your character: they are in love, and they want it all: to be able to tell their crush how much they love them, to have a relationship that lasts the rest of their lives.

So now here comes the heartbreak:

Your character thinks it’s unrequited.

Your character must believe there is no path to a happy ending. Maybe their crush has a romantic partner already, or has rejected romantic overtures from your character before. Maybe the crush doesn’t seem to be into people of your character’s gender identity. Maybe the crush has sworn off romance or just seems completely satisfied being friends. Or your character believes they’re not pretty/smart/cool enough for their crush to ever think of them romantically.

This part is entirely emotional. It doesn’t matter what the outside circumstances of the relationship are. What’s important is your character believes that their crush is not in love with them now, and will never be.

But let’s talk about those outside circumstances a little:

Also, it’s impossible.

It’s a great idea to put additional barriers between your character and their crush, so the reader (who knows it’s requited), still thinks it really is unworkable. Maybe one of them is betrothed to someone else. Maybe the romance would need to cross a boundary: warring families, a commoner in love with a royal, or one of them’s a werewolf. It doesn’t have to be literally forbidden: maybe one is very outgoing and the other hates parties, or one is quite wealthy and connected and the other poor, or there’s an age difference (between adults). The point is, even if they are in love, your character and their crush will have to work to get past whatever sticking point you wrote for them.

But get past it, they will, of course, because this is romance, and your readers are looking for the payoff. The hopeless pining that abruptly resolves into joy when the characters realize their love is requited. And the more desperate you make your character, the bigger the rush when it finally happens.

Thanks for reading! To spice up your pining, check out How to Write Sexual Tension. And find more on how to set up that big romantic payoff in POV Switching in Romance.

This article was first published on my writing blog

DannyeChase.com ~ AO3 ~ Linktree ~ Weird Wednesday writing prompts blog ~ Resources for Writers

[amyoffline]

In Defense of the Phandom (Mostly): Dan, Phil, and Our Parasocial Social Club

Refer to my previous pinned post for an explanation of and outline for this project. Now that I'm done going through my old reblogs (god, it took forever), it's time to actually research and write this script! Finally, my favorite part of any project. This will be my pinned post for the foreseeable future, so you can come back to by clicking on my blog for the current status of this part of the process. There will be a similar post for filming and editing once I get to that point, but for now, you can glance at how "full" the bar below each section is for a quick idea of where the script is. Or you can expand the post to see more details.

Script word count: 2,350 | Last updated: January 9, 2025

Research

Peer-reviewed or published literature: ⚫︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎ Social media, forum archives, and fanwork: ⚫︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎ The great rewatch: ⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎ Discussions with other phannies (hey! that could be you, if you want!): ⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎

Writing

Introduction, background, and conclusion sections: ⚫︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎ 2009-2013: ⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎ 2014-2018: ⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎ 2019-2025: ⚫︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎ Long tangents (fandom, RPF, and PSIs/PSRs): ⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎ Editing: ⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎⚪︎

More details below the cut!

Research → peer reviewed or published literature:

I read a few things (like Haidt's The Anxious Generation) while I was in the process of searching academic databases, but most of the 403 works I have saved to Zotero for this are currently unread. They're not all the same length or will take the same amount of time to read, so the completion proportion is just getting updated based on vibes. I'm absolutely not referencing all 403 of these things in the script - I just cast a wide net for materials I thought might be relevant. Furthermore, there are some things I didn't save that I know I'll be referencing, like some of the Pew Research Center's work in the early to mid 2010s on teenagers and technology, or the journalistic coverage of what got my school district in huge trouble in 2011.

Research → Social media and forum archives:

The collection of posts, art, and fic (other than mine) to reference in the video. For regular posts and art, especially by people who have long since abandoned their accounts or whose content went pretty viral, I feel comfortable just showing things in the video with credit as examples. For fic, I intend to just discuss trends more broadly and vaguely since, as a fic writer myself, I know we tend to get more flack and less acclaim for our work and therefore prefer to stay out of the spotlight. Let me know if you think I should handle this differently - the academic impulse is to credit sources and reproducible searches for every single thing you do, but that's definitely not best practice for phandom history since we have so much "forbidden" lore. I'll also be reading the IDB forum front-to-back, listening to things like the phandom podcast, reading the current generation of phanzines, and looking at recent (and historical, if anyone has any) surveys done of phannies within the community. I'm assuming those folks would appreciate credit and/or a shoutout.

Research → The great rewatch:

Rewatching everything DNP-related so I can talk about it from more recent memory (and read what's left of the original comments for DNP videos that are still up at their original locations). I know there's a playlist for this but I also know it's incomplete, so I have been doing some poking around myself and will probably continue to.

Research → Discussions with other phannies:

I read a few things (like Haidt's The Anxious Generation) while I was in the process of searching academic databases, but most of the 403 works I have saved to Zotero for this are currently unread. They're not all the same length or will take the same amount of time to read, so the completion proportion is just getting updated based on vibes. I'm absolutely not referencing all 403 of these things in the script - I just cast a wide net for materials I thought might be relevant. Furthermore, there are some things I didn't save that I know I'll be referencing, like some of the Pew Research Center's work in the early to mid 2010s on teenagers and technology, or the journalistic coverage of what got my school district in huge trouble in 2011. The first task is to sort that whole Zotero collection into more manageable sub-collections (on PSR on PSIs, on mental health, on YouTube platform history, etc), which is what I'm currently working on.

Writing → Introduction, background, and conclusion sections

See old pinned post for the outline. Will expand details here once research is mostly done (I plan to read and watch everything in the research section aside from talking to other phannies, then complete the script's rough draft, then talk to others on call, then integrate that with and finalize the script).

Writing → 2009-2013

See above.

Writing → 2014-2018

See above.

Writing → 2019-2025

See above.

Writing → Long tangents (fandom, RPF, and PSRs/PSIs)

See above. These tangents are kind of mini video essays in and olf themselves, so I may write them while I'm reading through my saved stuff in Zotero and before I rewatch all the DNP videos.

[helenofblackthorns]

the ending of qoaad, specifically Julian & Emma becoming giant nephilm and being talked down by everyone, understandably bothers so many people but it doesn't bother me and that is something I think about a lot. because by all accounts it should be something that bothers me but it just doesn't?

idk if it's just because of how I read tda (aka with a bazillion spoilers) so I knew well before I ever read it what happens and made my peace with it. or if alternatively I just view twp as the second half of tda so in my mind no storyline is truly finished. like obviously it's weird, we're viewing it halfway through and are still missing crucial pieces duh. if city of fallen angel published eight years after city of glass I sure things would be very unsatisfactory because like. Clary just put a random rune on Simon forehead? and Jace gets risen for the dead with no consequences?? and then you have trsom where Alec and Magnus are having a fun little road trip across Europe afterwards cool. why did Jonathan's body disappear though :/ and this is how tda is to me. like the time jump is longer and the main characters & side characters have all swapped places. but the storylines have stayed the same, they've just changed their form a bit. which idk Cassandra Clare could very easily completely go against this perception in tlkof but we still have a over a year so its fine

[funnypages]

In 2025, Tintin is entering the public domain in the US

The character of Tintin, of The Adventures of Tintin, one of my favorite comics from when I was a kid, is entering the public domain in 2025 (in the US) so I'm rereading the series and thought I'd give some history on the comic, as I dont know how well known he is among younger Americans

Who is Tintin?

Tintin, created 1929 by Belgian cartoonist Hergé (real name Georges Prosper Remi), is an ambiguously young investigative reporter and amateur detective who travels the world investigating criminal networks, hunting for treasure, exploring far away places, and solving mysteries. His enemies include crime bosses, foreign dictators, drug smugglers, human traffickers, and sorcerers. Hergé wrote 23 Tintin Adventures (as well as a partially finished 24th story published a few years after his death) from 1929-1976.

Tintin's allies and recurring cast include (L-R in bottom image): Professor Cuthbert Calculus (Tryphon Tournesol in OG French) a hard of hearing but brilliant scientist, Captain Haddock a foul mouthed alchololic ships captain (and Tintin's closest friend), Snowy (Milou) his smarter than normal dog, Detectives Thomson and Thompson (Dupont et Dupond) bumbling identical twin detectives, and Bianca Castafiore an Italian opera singer who Tintin often bumps into on his travels

Tintin and Spielberg

I would say most Americans, particularly younger ones, if they have heard of Tintin, it is from the 2011 CGI Spielberg movie

The story goes that Spielberg, after the first Indiana Jones movie came out, was on vacation in Europe and was confused about why so many European reviews (positively) compared Indiana Jones to "Tintin." He then read some of the comics, fell in love with them, and go in contact with Hergé, who he discovered was a big fan of his work. This led to an agreement that Spielberg would be the one to adapt his comics into a movie.

Tintin and Racism

Where should I start? So we need to address the elephant in the room about Tintin. Several of the early stories are quit racist, although I will give some more context about them

The most infamous Tintin story is the 2nd one, Tintin in the Congo, involves Tintin going to the 1930s Belgian Congo and encountering indigenous people there. It is just as bad as you would expect (although I have seen some articles from Congolese people, that it is so bad it wraps around to being hilarious, but of course YMMV). In addition the series as a whole does have some problematic portrayals of POC, I would say the worst being Indigenous Americans and Arab/Middle Easterners

That being said, I will give Hergé credit and say that you do see his views evolve over the 60 years he was writing these stories, and he does make a significant shift early on. The 5th Tintin story The Blue Lotus, involves Tintin going to 1930s Shanghai. Hergé knew basically nothing about China and had previously had some very steyoticpal Asian characters in earlier stories, but on the advice of a friend, he decided to get in contact with several Chinese students studying at universities in Brussels. There he met sculptor Zhang Chongren, who became a life long friend of Hergé and educated him on issues of imperialism in China. The end result is The Blue Lotus is (for 1936) a surprisingly nuanced and sympathetic portrayal of China and its people, with the main villains being Japanese and European imperialists, and Zhang even inspiring a character Chang Chong-Chen, who is a recurring character across the whole series.

After this point I would make an argument that you see a much better shift in Hergé's depictions of POC. They are still often of their time, but if you compare them to his earlier stories they are significantly more nuanced and sympathetic. Two examples of this are

The Seven Crystal Balls/Prisoners of the Sun - stories 13-14, that call out and criticize Western archeologists looting Indigenous American artifacts

The Castafiore Emerald - story 21, that has a significant subplot involving a local Roma community, with the characters being disgusted at how they are treated by local people and cops and how they are scapegoated for the central crime of the story. Its honestly a portrayal that would be considered pretty progressive for 2025 Belgium, let alone 1961.

What would I like to see in new Tintin stories?

So it's worth noting that A) Tintin is only in the public domain in the US and B) only characters that appear in the original 1929 comic (i.e. Tintin and Snowy) are entering PD; Haddock, Calculus, and the others wouldn't enter till later.

However here are a few ideas for future Tintin stories I would like to see

Remake the first 2 stories - The first two Tintin stories - Tintin in the Land of the Soviets and Tintin in the Congo - are not good. Not just story wise but they lack the art style and tone of the series as a whole. I would like to see the two stories remade with better sensibilities and tone constant to the rest of the series.

Who Dun Its and Ghost Stories - Go full Agatha Cristie/Scooby Doo and have Tintin solving mysteries and debunking stuff.

Adventure Archeologist - There is a reason why people have made the Indiana Jones/Tintin connection. Some of the best Tintin stories involve him going on treasure hunts and honestly all 5 of the IJ movies could be Tintin stories with some tweaks. Have Tintin go on adventures to find Atlantis, El Dorado, Noah's Ark, and Excalibur.

Lovecraftian Horror - Artist Murray Groat did some great covers years back of Tintin/Lovecraft stories and yeah, I want this. You could easily make At the Mountains of Madness a Tintin story.

[stjohnstarling]

I spent a lot of time in the mid 2000s digging through Star Trek websites that were old even then, and I can tell you what's important about this fanvid is not just that it went completely viral.

The creator of this video, Killa, was foundational to the development of fandom on the internet. She’s more or less responsible for kick starting all of online Kirk/Spock slash fandom with her fanfiction Turning Point in 1995:

The story which is generally thought of as having started the rush of K/S online is “Turning Point” by Killashandra, or Killa as she has now come to be known, initially published one chapter at a time in late 1995 on alt.sex.fetish.startrek and completed in January 1996, making it the third piece to be presented as K/S to online readers, but without the caveats of the other two contenders for first. Oh, but the reaction! Not only is it the first accredited, consummated K/S story available online, but it is lushly written and emotionally intense, telling the story of the interval after the five year mission and before Spock leaves for Gol. (from an article titled The Legacy of K/S on the Internet: The Source of the Mississippi, quoted on Fanlore)

I don't know if print K/S fans realise how defining an effect Killashandra's work has had on the web. Turning Point, originally published on the 'Net in 1995, and Full Circle, copyright 1997, have had an effect on web Treksmut fandom that is difficult to overestimate. I guess that the majority of people who got interested in K/S via the web are here because reading "Turning Point" was a conversion experience. It's not just the "Oh my gosh, I'm not the only one who sees their relationship that way" feeling. What Killa did is prove, by demonstration, that there is no limit to how good K/S (or fan fiction) can get. She has raised the bar all the way. We can no longer say: "It's only fan fiction," or "It's only Star Trek." (from The K/S Press #29, quoted on Fanlore)

As if that weren’t enough, she’s also the one who made that other Star Trek Knights of the Round Table fanvid that went viral in the late 2000s:

What's crazy is she’s still around! She’s just over on Dreamwidth. Does she know what she is to the world? Does she know the power she has?

in every way that matters Closer by NIN is a song about Kirk and Spock

[sakuravalelp]

Don't eat anything else - Part 2 - DP X DC

Previous part

Masterpost

This is the only chapter where I'll tag people. Please, if you want to follow the story from this point on, follow the master post :).

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

"You both should stop eating the food." Came Babs voice through the comms. "Danny asked Tim to not eat anything else. We suspect the food may content poison."

Bruce subtly shared a look with Cass before returning to nodding at Masters' proud rambling about his latest contract. They had both stopped eating long ago. The soup was good; Masters’ words about Danny being a good cook weren’t a lie. However, Bruce couldn’t identify the chunks of meat in the soup.

He initially thought it was pork, though the texture seemed somewhat similar to veal. By the fourth piece of meat he ate, he could confidently say he didn't recognize it. When he looked at Cass, he saw her using her spoon to play with one of the pieces of meat on the edge of the plate, a frown hidden behind her polite smile. He was sure then that the meat couldn't be one they had tasted before.

Bruce has tasted every kind of meat that should be available to Masters. He has even tasted exotic meats that Masters would probably never encounter, having represented humanity in intergalactic meetings as Batman. Not being able to identify the meat discouraged Bruce from eating more, and it seemed to have had the same effect on Cass. They had kept their food mostly untouched, using the excuse of waiting for Tim and Danny to return before eating. It was a good call; the meat being poisoned could be the reason it was unrecognizable.

"If any of you feel any symptoms, turn off your comm." None of them made a move to do so, and after a couple of minutes Babs continued, "I'll call Bruce in 10 minutes to create an excuse for you guys to leave."

Bruce would have liked to think that they had not yet consumed enough poison for it to affect them, but there's always the possibility of it being a delayed-effect poison. If Masters' plan with the poison was to kill them, then a delayed-effect poison would allow Masters to avoid being immediately connected to their deaths.

However, Masters shouldn’t have a reason to kill Bruce Wayne and his wards. Unless the man had discovered that they were investigating his contracts, which Bruce doubted. It was more likely that the poison was some sort of chemical restraint or chemical submissive, which would explain why Masters' contracts always seemed to end ridiculously in his favor. It would be easy to make such deals with someone who was drugged to be more agreeable with you.

Not that Bruce would be willing to take the risk to find out, especially with Cass having also ingested the tainted meat. He was glad he had brought the poison antidote kit with him. Despite this, Bruce wasn't sure about cutting the visit short, at least not for all of them. Tim had been gone with Danny for a while now, and if Danny had informed Tim about the food, they were probably exchanging information at the moment. Maybe Tim was in the process of offering Danny help, and Bruce didn't want to interrupt that.

"Renovations will be starting next week, and I'm sure the place will end up being quite popular," Masters finally finished his rambling.

"It sure sounds like it will. You certainly got yourself a great deal with Kensington, Mr. Masters. I'm curious, what is your negotiation method?" Bruce asked, hoping to gather more information.

Masters had been surprisingly adept at avoiding any conversation about the negotiations themselves, always sidetracking the discussion or giving half-answers. Drugs in the food was a good hypothesis and would be the best outcome for them, as such substances usually shouldn’t take too long to get out of their system.

Yet, it didn't explain how Masters' business partners seemed to stay committed to their contracts long after they were made. The furthest they had gotten from them was confusion about how they had reached the point where they accepted the contract's conditions. However, they all seemed convinced they had gotten the best outcome possible, despite obviously getting the short end of the stick.

It pointed to something besides drug usage. Maybe Masters got blackmail material from them while they were drugged? It would be easier to draw conclusions if Masters had even the smallest slip about it.

Masters smiled, taking a sip from his wine. "Ah, it takes years of practice, Wayne. It isn't something one can learn in a day, and only those with the capacity can master it," he said. Then, before Bruce could ask any follow-up questions, he continued, "Now, Daniel and young Mr. Drake sure seem to be taking their time."

"Oh, that doesn't surprise me," Bruce said, shaking his head with a fond smile, playing farther into his "Brucie" persona while lamenting the lost opportunities to get more leads on what Masters was doing. "They're around the same age. Surely they got distracted talking about whatever is of interest to kids their age these days."

"I would be glad if my godson got along so well with your son, Mr. Wayne," Masters said with a practiced smile, though a hint of calculation flickered in his eyes. He gestured vaguely with his wine glass, his tone deceptively sympathetic. "The loss of his family hasn't been easy for him, and building a connection with someone like Mr. Drake could be beneficial. However, it is quite rude to leave the guests waiting. As his guardian, I must address this. I’ll go search for them." Masters stated, standing up from his seat.

Luckily, Bruce didn't need to interject to stop Masters from interrupting his son's conversation with Danny, since the two boys appeared by the door as if summoned by Masters' comment. Danny visibly tensed the moment he spotted Masters standing in his place.

"Daniel, it's good you're finally back. I was about to go search for you," Masters said, throwing Danny a stern look.

Danny opened his mouth, probably about to apologize for the wait, but Tim beat him to it.

"So sorry, Mr. Masters. I had to take a shower before changing clothes."

"Oh, don't worry about it, Mr. Drake," Masters said as he looked Tim up and down, evaluating if what Tim was saying was true. His eyes lingered on Tim's wet hair for a moment, and the tension in his eyes relaxed a bit. "It is Daniel's fault for throwing the soup on you. Now, shall we continue with the dinner?" Masters sat once more on his chair.

"Should—" Danny started, slightly stuttering when Masters' eyes returned to him. "Should I serve new portions? Since the ones on the table are probably cold by now?" the intensity of Masters gaze increased with every word Danny said. In response, Danny lowered his gaze to the floor, and shifted nervously.

Danny's voice was way too small by the end of his sentence, but Bruce could sense some hidden urgency in his tone. Remembering that Danny was the one who had warned them about the food, Bruce could infer that he was trying to further prevent them from eating it. It gave Bruce the impression that Masters had also caught onto that fact, given how tense the man was.

He was grateful for the kid doing their best to protect them, but lamented putting them in a position where they had to risk confronting their abuser. Bruce really hoped Tim had convinced Danny to leave with them. It shouldn't be difficult to create a reasonable invitation for Danny after Masters' comment about how he was isolating himself.

"Good idea," Cass said with a gentle smile directed at Danny before Masters could make any move.

Masters' eyes narrowed slightly, but then he nodded. "Very well. Daniel, go ahead."

As Danny hurried to the kitchen, Bruce shared a subtle glance with Tim, who was retaking his seat beside Cass. Unfortunately, instead of the nod indicating that they could get Danny to leave with them if they created the opportunity, Tim just shrugged. It wasn't the sign for Danny refusing help, but the one for things being more complicated than they seemed. Bruce sighed, and before Danny returned from the kitchen, his phone rang. He excused himself to answer Babs' call, lamenting not being able to take Danny with them.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Bruce came back from his brief call with Babs with a worried face that Cass knew wasn't the one he made when actual "family emergencies" happened. It was exagerated and dramatic, it screamed "something terrible had happened," and was perfect for this kind of situations. Bruce quickly ushered Cass and Tim out, apologizing to Masters for the hasty departure. They barely had time to say goodbye to Danny, who had hurried back from the kitchen after Masters had shouted about seeing off the guests.

Cass noticed a subtle shift in Danny’s demeanor as they prepared to leave. His shoulders dropped slightly, and there was a fleeting look of relief in his eyes. However, that relief was overshadowed by the palpable fear that clung to him; his tense posture betrayed the anxiety he was trying to hide. It was hard to leave him behind, and Cass almost ran back when she caught sight of Vlad’s possessive hand on Danny’s shoulder and his venomous, angry eyes as she was walking out the door.

As soon as they were in the car, Tim immediately began checking the vehicle and himself for hidden microphones, with Bruce and Cass following his lead with little more than a raised eyebrow. Tim’s decision to search for bugs made sense once he explained that Danny’s room had been bugged,

"Honestly, Danny's so careful with his actions and words everywhere, I wouldn't be surprised if the whole property is bugged."

The drive back to the house they had rented was tense, the atmosphere in the car thick with unspoken concerns. Tim decided to use the ride home to update them on what he had seen. In turn, Bruce spoke about the dinner with Masters, detailing their regrettable failure to extract any additional information from the man. The evening ultimately boiled down to the suspicion that the food had been poisoned. Cass remained silent, not feeling up to talking.

She had her doubts about the food being poisoned; even if the poison hadn't shown any symptoms, her past training should have allowed her to identify it if she had consumed it. It seemed unlikely that Masters possessed a poison so sophisticated that she couldn’t detect it, and the thought only deepened her unease. She though back to how their hosts acted at the start of the dinner.

Danny looked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. His eyes darted nervously between them and Masters, his hands trembling slightly as he served the food. The guilt and fear radiating from him were almost palpable, as if he believed he was committing an unforgivable sin by offering them the meal.

Masters, however, didn’t seem like he was planning to poison them. He behaved more like Damian’s classmates had when they once tried to trick him into eating non-vegan food at a gala. His smile was too easy, his gestures too casual, like someone who thought they were pulling off a harmless but cruel prank. It felt like he was purposely feeding them something he knew was outside their comfort zone and ethical beliefs, testing their reactions with a detached amusement.

From the very beginning, Cass had felt a deep discomfort about the food. The way Masters and Danny acted around it had set off her internal alarms. When she took the first bite of the meat, something immediately felt off. The texture was unfamiliar, and the taste was oddly unsettling—not in a way that clearly indicated poison, but in a manner that was subtly disturbing, she didn't know what she was eating. It made her skin crawl, and she couldn’t bring herself to take another bite.

The car coming to a stop in the house’s garage jolted Cass out of her thoughts. They all exited the vehicle, and Jason’s motorcycle was parked beside them as he opened the door. tightly clenched jaw. Like the rest of them, he was frustrated by their inability to take Danny with them, but he wasn’t vocalizing it because he was also worried about what they had eaten.

Once the door was opened, Bruce was ready to rush into his bedroom to get the poison antidote kit, but Jason stopped him,

"Hold on old man, I want to know what the note the kid gave Tim says. It may even say what poison was used; save us time."

"Mnn" Bruce said with a slight nod, and Tim started unfolding the paper in response.

The folded paper was as small as a pinky, but once unfolded, it revealed a full letter-sized sheet, and the text filled at least half of it. Tim skimmed the text as he usually did before reading aloud, but his face quickly drained of color. His eyes widened in horror and disgust. Instead of reading aloud, he kept running his eyes over the first line repeatedly, his gaze darting between Bruce and Cass. His jaw was clenched tightly, and he struggled to keep his composure, fighting against the bile rising in his throat. Cass couldn’t help but frown deeply, a growing sense of dread settling in as she wondered what the paper could possibly contain.

"Forgot how to read, replacement?" Jason said, his tone lacking its usual edge. He stood beside Tim, his expression a mix of uncertainty and concern, unsure whether to reach for the paper or not.

Tim takes a shudering breath, and Cass herself can't help but shift in her place, her anxiety growing, as they all wait for Tim to gain back his voice and finally read what Danny's note says.

"The meat on the food is human meat." Tim finally says with a strained voice.

There's a moment of silence in the room. Cass keeps her eyes on Tim, hoping, pleading, to find any signs that what she heard is wrong, but Tim only repeats the sentence. Her stomach churns violently as bile rises in her throat. Without effort, she sinks to the ground, her legs giving out as she begins to vomit. The pounding of her heart fills her ears, as black dots fill her sight and her hands tremble uncontrollably. She is dimly aware of Bruce doubling over beside her, and the sound of Jason hitting the wall.

She ate human meat. It may have just been a bite, but she ate human meat. The dinner had been made from human meat. Her mind recoiled at the abhorrent thought. The thought of the soup they were served makes her vomit once more. She gasps for air, her body shaking as she fights against the rising tide of revulsion, desperately trying to rid herself of the lingering taste and the horrifying realization of what they ingested. She feels Tims hand doing smalls circles in her back and realizes that tears had been falling from her face.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Danny's hands trembled as he injected himself with another dose of ectoplasm. The shaking made the syringe jab painfully as he withdrew it, causing drops of blood and ectoplasm to fall to the floor while the injury quickly healed. Ten minutes of continuous electrical shocks wasn’t the worst punishment he had received from Vlad, but it had the most severe drawbacks. His body had a harder time recovering from electrical damage than from any other kind of harm, and Vlad often exploited this weakness.

He took a deep breath as the last of the Lichenberg marks disappeared from his legs and arms, leaving only the ones he’d gotten from his death. He sat on the bathroom floor, staring at the ceiling, his legs and arms still trembling. He wasn’t sure if the tremors were from the electrical aftershocks or his own anxiety. Vlad had been furious about his little stunt with the soup and had once again reminded him that they weren't eating Danny’s friends because he was such a "compassionate guardian."

The reminder had thrown Danny into a couple of panic attacks once he was allowed to return to his room. He thanks he's advanced dissociative abilities for not having those panics attacks in front of Vlad. He doesn't wan't to know how the man would try to exploit that.

But even as his whole body trembles and aches, he doesn’t regret his decisions. This is his only chance for things to change. The Waynes are a powerful family with connections to the Justice League. While the League has not interfered with what has happened in Amity Park up till now, they might get involved if the Waynes reach out to them. It’s wishful thinking, and he’s risking a lot, but this gut-wrenching dinner has become the first glimmer of hope he’s had since his family’s death, and he’ll hold onto it with his half-life.

Once he's body stops trembling and he's head feels a bit clearer, he needs to text Sam and Tucker. He'll depend on them for this to not backfire on all denizens.

[arcanegifs]

rewatch the show yall. it gets even better if you do.

[c-rowlesdraws]

(Note: I’m writing this in good faith and not trying to come across confrontational)

Have u forgotten u can vote 3rd party? I know there will likely not be enough people voting independant party for a non red or blue president to be elected THIS voting cycle. But. If enough people vote independent maybe america will wake up and realize there are more than 2 shitty options. (It takes time to change, and change for the better)

Look the problem with the blue no matter who mindset is that these people know you are going to vote for them no matter what. Not because you necessarily like them but because at least they aren’t the other guy. Which gives dems absolutely no incentive to not be a piece of shit. Like do you get it? They will be awful and endorse genocides and all other terror because they know you will let them get away with it. Maybe biden isn’t as bad as a republican would have been but he is still pretty fucking bad. Personally, morally, I cannot in any way justify voting for him again.

voting for someone as damage control in an election does not mean you can't heckle the shit out of them once they are in office. You elect the officials you think you and groups you belong to have the better chance of pressuring into better policies, and who will do the least amount of damage in the meantime.

Democrats are relentless towards their elected officials-- at least the ones I know who are actually politically active are. They call, they protest, they campaign. Plus, as you're demonstrating, people on the left do not blindly vote (that's the other guys). It's totally unrealistic to say that elected Democratic officials just think they have an easy ride.

people can and should vote for whoever they want to in local elections, primaries, etc. But in the big one, the president one, the one in the fall, voting third party is like drawing up plans for a nice new extension on a house that is actively being set on fire. Voting for president is damage control. Voting is your hard-fucking-won civil right. Voting in smaller elections can also be damage control; when there is no-one to feel "good" about voting for, you vote for the less-worse one, because maybe that one is more receptive to the idea of climate change being real than the other one, and you can work with that.

Sometimes you get to vote for the option you align with the most. But sometimes voting is about picking the option with the cracks that you can dig your fingers into and pull open. Or at least the one who won't start taking a sledgehammer to civil rights and environmental protections (and, and) with all his buddies while you work to build support behind a candidate you can feel good about voting for in four years.

Biden has shown he can change his policies over time, with pressure. Democrats can be swayed in ways Republicans cannot. One major party can be pushed more left. The other one will drag us into a darkness that I don't even want to think about. The presidency is about so much more than just the individual sitting in the Oval Office.

Voting is strategic. It is strategic. It is not negative moral karma to vote strategically. It is one action amidst all the other actions you can take to fight for the future you want.

[radioactive-earthshine]

NGL I have STRONG opinions about digital releases omitting the letters to the editor section of older comics. I feel like the letters are a part of comic history and should be aggressively preserved.

[starbuck]

Ravenous is Haunted

Within the lore of Ravenous, eating people causes you to “absorb [their] spirit,” but what does that mean in practice?

Ives mentions that eating someone brave gives you a surge of bravery, which is exactly how Boyd goes from too scared to move to single-handedly capturing the enemy command. The spirit of his fellow soldiers and specifically his commanding officer compel him to do it. But we know that this personality shift is not permanent, it abates. However, I believe that there are other more subtle influences that remain. 

There’s a whole collection of things Boyd, Ives, and Hart do and say that mirror the actions and words of the people they’ve eaten…

The protectiveness that Boyd shows towards the Fort Spencer crew after Ives arrives as colonel is a new trait for him and highly reminiscent of Reich’s protectiveness towards Toffler. From the moment he’s stuck with Ives at the fort, Boyd also immediately decides to murder him, the thing that Reich died furious at him for not doing, and never strays from this mission at all. Boyd and Ives both headbutt each other in their final fight, a Knox fighting move, and Boyd also attempts to strangle Ives at one point, which is Reich’s. Another example that I like is when Hart says to the chickens he’s feeding “run away! run for your lives!” which is what Toffler died doing. These are all small moments in isolation, but together they form a compelling picture. 

For another thing, you have Boyd mentioning to Hart near the end the “nightmares” he’s “still” having about Reich, Cleaves, and Knox. These aren’t just random trauma nightmares, they are specifically about the three people of the Fort Spencer crew that he’s eaten. And, considering how strongly Hart reacts to the mention of this, he is likely experiencing the same thing. Since it is canon that they have actually ABSORBED these people by eating them, I don’t think it’s a stretch at all to call this a haunting. 

Put these together and you have the people who have been eaten haunting the cannibal characters at night and maintaining at least some sway over them by day, often without them even realizing it… Fun stuff!

As far as Ives goes, I think that he is less affected by this phenomenon than Boyd and Hart are. He’s been eating people for much longer than they have, he has no moral compass whatsoever, and he has a very strong personality, so he’s not gonna let a little haunting get to him. That being said, who knows what quirks of his personality we might be able to attribute to people he’s eaten in the past if we knew more about them? I also think that his assumption that he is unaffected by the people he eats is a part of his downfall, and I’ll explain that in a moment. 

The last thing I want to talk about is the bell because that’s what REALLY gets me mmmmmmmmmmm… SO! During Boyd’s fight with Ives, there’s a moment where Ives has fled the room they were fighting in and Boyd doesn’t know where he is, so he’s checking behind all these random doors and not finding him when he hears a bell ringing in the courtyard. He goes out and sees the ringing bell but no one near it. Instead of going towards it where he knows Ives is likely waiting for him though, he walks towards the barn, as if in a daze. When he enters, he sees the bear trap and gets an “Aha!” look on his face. 

Now, who do we know who is associated with both that bell and a bear trap? It’s Reich! He is the only person we ever see ring that bell and (in a deleted scene) he uses bear traps as target practice, shooting at them to snap them shut while Boyd watches. So, at the very least, we can say that Reich indirectly inspires Boyd in that course of action. 

BUT, because I am me, I’d like to take it a step further by proposing that, since Reich is haunting both Boyd AND Ives, he influences Ives to ring the bell (with Ives not consciously thinking anything more of about than “this will surely get Boyd’s attention >:)”) and then influences Boyd to walk over to the barn instead of immediately continuing the fight so he can show him how to end it once and for all. Boyd asked Reich to “tell me what to do,” and Reich answered him!

I did also write a fic about this concept a few years ago if anyone is interested!

[youremyfriend-youremymission]

This is also what makes forming friendships so hard for me.

How much do I share? I have to share something to find people I can talk to but with every bit I share I am deeply afraid that people will assume the worst and use it against me, so I refuse to share and remain lonely.

I see all those people on tumblr have mutuals and be friends and all I think is „I wish that was me“ but I‘m too afraid to try again and get hurt again. So many of my friendships are onesided. On my last blog I had writer friends, or I assumed us to be friends who would thank me for hyping them up whenever they posted a new story or chapter.

But then when it came that I needed support or just any acknowledgment of my writing, there was silence. First I assumed maybe they were offline, but I saw them interacting with others around the same time I reblogged my writing. And then it became clear to me that things I’ve assumed to be mutual were one sided and I mentally scolded myself for sharing a part of me with the wrong people. It broke the part of me that loved writing. I have so many WIPs and I still want to write, but with every sentence it gets more difficult and I reach a point of „why do I even bother? No one is going to like it…“ so I closer that document and never open it again. The cycle repeats itself every few weeks or months with me starting a new WIP, reaching that point again and never opening that WIP again.

So what if I share a different aspect of me to find friends and I end up breaking that too? Is it worth it to stay lonely in a meek effort to stay whole? But isn’t the loneliness tearing me apart bit by bit too?

I guess the hurt from being lonely is more calculated, I know it will be there. But being hurt by others you wanted to be seen as an equal hurts deeper and breaks you more. And if the majority of friendships have been one sided and the only common factor is you, how can you not end up believing that maybe you’re not worth of being a friend to others?

one thing we forget about people on the internet is that we know almost nothing about them. Would i know if somebody's kid has congestive heart failure? Only if they tell me! Would I know if somebody is experiencing severe mental health problems? Only if they tell me! Would I know if someone has cancer? Only if they tell me!

This is a weird thing about being online. We can know a lot about someone--this person is a Christian, and a father of three children, and married to that person, and likes Cheerios--but we only know what they told us, which is--of course--almost nothing.

And yet, human pattern-makers that we are, we inevitably fill in the gaps in information with assumptions that are based on whether we kinda assume the best of someone or kinda assume the worst of them. Like, I do not imagine that Elon Musk came home from his hard work making everyone's life worse yesterday and held a sick friend's hand as that friend died--but of course that's possible! I don't know!

This happened to me a lot when I was on tumblr the first time. People often filled in gaps by assuming the worst in me, and that's fair enough, I guess. These days, people tend to (although not exclusively) fill in the gaps by assuming the best of me. But both are assumptions informed by extremely limited information, which is almost impossible to remember in the daily grind of Internet Life.