#but they made another video speaking portuguese and he did a lot better there

[ppulverse]

Kai speaking Portuguese !!! How did he do??

https://x.com/hnkmedia/status/1853509857485197753?s=46

not very well if i'm being honest 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 but he sounds super adorable i lowkey wanna adopt him 😔 and to be fair they did him dirty by making him say APAIXONADOS imo that's a hard word for non-portuguese speakers

[maevstar]

| Introducing myself in my fame dr ᯓᡣ𐭩

ᝰ. My name is Maeve Amelie Solace, but people usually call me by “Mae”.

ᝰ. I’m 26yo and I’m an A-list american actress and singer. (I was born in 1997 but I didn’t turned 27 yet).

ᝰ. I started my way on acting when I was 16 when my older brother was doing a play on high school and begged me to participate. I did, and since then I’ve been in love with acting.

ᝰ. When I graduated from high school i moved out from my hometown — Austin, Texas — to LA and entered to UCLA School of Theater.

ᝰ. My first big project in Hollywood was “The Edge of Seventeen” when I was 19-20yo, before that I just worked with small projects, mostly from my uni.

ᝰ. That project gave me more visibility in the industry and I became more well known.

ᝰ. Some of my films: The Edge of Seventeen, The School for Good and Evil (adaptation of the books), Lady bird, Scream 4 (2018), Little Woman, Causeway, We Live in a Time, Challengers, Me Before You, Glass Onion 2, Duna, Anyone but You, Don’t look up, No hard feelings, Don’t worry darling, The outrun, and etc.

ᝰ. Some of my shows: Supernatural (Claire Novak), Looking for Alasca, YOU, outer banks (season 4).

ᝰ. I’ve been nominated for the Oscar 4 times as the best Actress in a Leading Role, but I’m just gonna win the award in the 4th time (2024). Futhermore, i’ve won a lot of awards and nominations like Emmy’s and Golden Globes. In 2022, I entered the list of The Most Influential People by Time Magazine.

Now, my singer career:

ᝰ. My mom is a country singer — not much known — in Texas, so I’ve grew up loving music, and I’ve been writing songs since I was 15, but these never turned into real songs, until 2019-2020, when I recorded my EP’s.

ᝰ. My first EP is called “Minor” and it has 7 songs. I released it in 2019 just for fun, was some songs that I’ve been writing during the years. In 2020 I released more 2 EPs, called “Bittersweet” and “Good Riddance”, with 7 and 10 songs respectively, again, just for fun.

ᝰ. Now, my new coming up project on music is my first Album, called “The Secret Of Us”, it has 13 songs (+ 7 from deluxe) and all of them will have a music video, cause my objective is making a visual album.

ᝰ. With my new album, I intend to go on my first tour.

Fun facts about me:

ᝰ. I know ballet and gymnastics cause when my sister was 8 years old she wanted to learn but was scared to do it alone, so I used to go to classes with her.

ᝰ. I have 3 siblings, Will, Kayla and Austin. Will is 2 years older than me, Kayla is younger than me 4 years and Austin is 8 years younger than me. (Another fun fact is that Austin is adopted).

ᝰ. My s/o is Drew Starkey, I met him in a party at Maddie Cline’s house (2021). Also, Madelyn is my best friend and I’m very close to the cast of the outer banks too.

ᝰ. I’m in fact brazilian. I was born there but my family moved to the US when I was 8 — my father is brazilian but my mom is from us, she was in a trip when met my dad in brazil and blablabla — so I have dual nationality. (latinas are better lol). But when I was 14, I moved again to Brazil and lived there for almost 2 years with my aunt before I came back to US.

ᝰ. When I was 16, I made a YouTube channel with my brother Will and we used to talk about the most random things ever (btw it was a flop lol, this channel just came up when we became famous). (another fun fact is that he is also a well known actor, but more on theater plays than on screen).

ᝰ. When I was in high school, I was planning on going to med school — mostly because of my dad, he’s a doctor (my obsession with greys anatomy might got me inclined to that too🤭) — but then I fell in love with acting (when I was 16, like i said) and never quit. Besides that, I’m still very interested with things related to science and human body, stuff like that; most of things that I know are bc of my dad tho.

ᝰ. I’m polyglot. I speak Portuguese, English, Italian, Spanish and a bit of French and Latin. I also know ASL.

ᝰ. I still don’t know how to ride bikes without training wheels cause no one ever taught me (😭).

ᝰ. I love the sea, beaches, everything related to that, it’s one of my favorite places in the world.

mood boards; mood boards details;

─────── ୨ৎ ───────

[valrnyx]

Forever Discourse: Link to Original Thread + More

This post contains links to the original Twitter thread as well as other posts that provide evidence or context to the situation. (This post will continually update with anymore information that is found)

January 10th Update: Forever has been kicked from QSMP. He has made a third and final? video in response? to the situation. There are English subtitles. (I have not watched the video yet beyond the first minute)

https://x.com/forevitao/status/1745104252672856501?s=46

With this post, I'm gathering evidence both for myself and others. In my opinion it's best to gather as much evidence and context as you can and form your own opinion rather than just listening to what others say. Get as many sides as possible.

TW: Pe*ophilia (it truly varies between posts but most have their own tw’s)

To start, here is a post that I think sums up what’s happening (from what I can see and what I’ve read so far): https://www.tumblr.com/anachronistic-falsehood/738711971942334464/hi-sorry-i-dont-have-twitter-but-do-you-know-why

I think I managed to stumble my way into the original Twitter thread. For any interested, here’s the link… (it’s all in Portuguese obviously) (if this is not the original thread, let me know): https://x.com/diaboier/status/1743153136523472904?s=46

I also found another thread that seems to add more evidence or summarizes the thread? Yet again, I don’t speak Portuguese so I’m not entirely sure: https://x.com/morningcriw/status/1743164198928978127?s=46

Someone sent in a Google doc with a lot of Forever’s old tweets translated (this seems to be accurate. I started Google translating some of the screenshots from the original accusation post and they match up with the translations in the doc): https://docs.google.com/file/d/16RKc9968cA8Ybc8Hw7Dl2cevO3w52mZx/edit?usp=docslist_api&filetype=msword

I also just saw this pop up. It’s discord screenshots translating a tweet of the supposed victim. I say supposed as there’s no real evidence to show that it’s really the victim (All the twt screenshots have the usernames and pfp’s blacked out, for good reason): https://www.tumblr.com/magicalmanhattanproject/738731128507285504/id-discord-screenshot-the-first-messages-from

Here are two tumblr posts translating what Forever said in response: https://www.tumblr.com/imnotasweetie/738727736369102848/a-friend-of-mine-who-is-a-portuguese-speaker-did

https://www.tumblr.com/pamela-lntt/738713715054116864/translated-statement

I originally took these off as an anon said that it’s not great and that cultural context doesn’t apply to these kinds of things but after looking around a little more I think it is. Cultural difference is not an excuse, but nonetheless it’s an explanation. It still absolutely does not excuse his actions though. I have no way to verify if any of these are true though. Please keep that in mind: https://www.tumblr.com/thesmpisonfire/738775397927469056/that-one-brazilian-person-in-the-tag-with-the-very

https://www.tumblr.com/anachronistic-falsehood/738780432119808000/the-forever-situation-is-lacking-a-lot-of-context

https://www.tumblr.com/lonelyspacedragon/738779192959844352/the-one-and-olny-thing-i-will-say-about-this-as-a

https://www.tumblr.com/valrnyx/738784381189144576/cultural-differences-are-absolutely-not-an-excuse

As of January 6th, Forever has gone live to address the allegations again. Here is a a overview of what he said (I have no way to verify if what is written here is true): https://www.tumblr.com/dumblemonade1/738790758479527936/so-he-hadnt-seen-all-the-tweets-about-the

https://www.tumblr.com/imnotasweetie/738807755379474432/alright-fellas-here-is-the-full-translation-of

Please give Quackity and his team time to decide how they’re going to handle this. They’re human too. This post says it better than I can: https://www.tumblr.com/trashfangirlsworld/738796977181032448/i-dont-have-much-to-say-about-the-situation-with

https://www.tumblr.com/54625/738805511556939776/im-not-gonna-talk-about-the-whole-foreve

Apparently a host of CC’s have unfollowed Forever on Twitter: https://www.tumblr.com/magicalmanhattanproject/738802843036844032/more-developments-on-the-forever-situation

https://www.tumblr.com/weallpartyatybcpatricksfuneral/738805954396798976/hi-i-bring-you-context-some-people-on-twitter-dug

A post that’s close to my own thoughts about the after effects of what’s happening: https://www.tumblr.com/murky-tannin/738809119351390208/there-are-a-lot-of-bad-things-about-this-situation

If your are an English speaker, take a step back as well as a deep breath. Let’s not jump to any conclusions or huge actions. If you are able and willing, take your time and do your own research. Don’t believe the first thing that’s said. Misinformation spreads like wildfire. Especially when the discourse isn’t in your native language and are relying on others and Google translate.

Be mindful of your words and support victims. Words can have a huge impact on someone even though you can’t see it. This post says it better than I can: https://www.tumblr.com/cupsmp/738692732272394240/also-once-again-in-any-situation-please-support

Everyone please be careful with your mental health. Take a break from social media if needed, get some water, something to eat, and take a deep breath. Go outside or talk with your friends. We will make it through this.

[sorrinslays]

My Craig's gang headcanons

Craig is a mama's boy, sorry, I don't make the rules

Clyde definitely has broken at least onε 3DS in the dumbest way possible, like crying and the tears messing up with the machine or by bragging that his 3DS is indestructible, ending with Cartman sitting on it and crushing it in the process

Tolkien's favourite movie is lion king, don't ask, I have no idea why I thought of that

Jimmy reads those "how to be professionally funny" books religiously

Tweek tried a monster once and nearly had a heart attack from stress because he mentally convinced himself it's stronger than the coffee he normally drinks and his body is going to explode from all the caffeine intake

Craig and Clyde have secret hang outs that they (Clyde) named "best bros date" where they talk about their favourite things (space, dinosaurs, race cars etc.) and watch their favourite cartoons

Tolkien for Jimmy's birthday bought him a microphone so that Jimmy can have improv comedy sessions whenever and wherever he pleases

Tweek had to go throught 'trials' to join Craig's gang. Nothing serious, just normal fourth grader stuff, like having him climb the monkey bars in under fifteen seconds or something like that. Needless to say, the poor boy almost had a panic attack and jugged a whole ass pot of coffee and climbed the bars in one millisecond

Craig and Tolkien go to the bookstore once a month and get a book. It's their way of motivating one another to read more

Clyde and Jimmy once (in their late teens) got super wasted and made a youtube video where they told really bad jokes. It blew up and they woke up to a bunch of analyses video talking about how they are the next big step in making comedy better. They remember nothing and only learned what happened through Craig who found it very entertaining

Tweek accidently ate a small rock once and was freaked out for a week straight thinking he's going to die. The fourth grade ended up playing 'funeral' with everyone having different roles. Tweek was the dead guy

Whenever Craig and Jimmy are left alone unsupervised they go to Craig's basement and make videos in which they just talk for hours about the people they hate and they managed to gather a small cult following by just hating on people

Tolkien and Clyde once crashed a car

Tweek wanted to continue boxing after his and Craig's fight but was scared and nervous to enter a club alone. At some point once he becomes part of Craig's gang, he tells that to the guys and, in order to encourage him to join, all of them (-Jimmy because he's in the comedy club) join. Craig and Tolkien go for kickboxing and Clyde and Tweek go boxing

Craig is the kind of person who knows a lot of random stuff and skills that he never mentions unless it's brought up. He's like that one guy on Tik Tok who knows the bird language, the OwO language, the cat language ect. His friends never know and anytime he's like "oh yeah, I know how to speak Latin, don't worry I can talk to this demon to leave us alone," the guys are like "HUH"

Clyde has the entire Dinosaur wiki memorized

When Tolkien first joined the group he spend days researching everything he could find about the others' interests out of fear he won't be able to participate in conversations or something. After a few one on one conversations Clyde and Jimmy figured it out pretty early own because it was pretty obvious, but Craig never did and still thinks Tolkien is genuinely interested in space and Tolkien doesn't want to break the illusion so he keeps researching and talking about stars and planets and everything else for hours with Craig

Jimmy knows Portuguese, I don't know why or how but it seems like something he would do

Tweek and Clyde weren't on the best terms at first because Clyde was kinda spooked of Tweek's tics since he didn't understand them, but overtime he learned that Tweek is a pretty cool dude

Craig loves to cook and clean, it's relaxing to him because he can just go through the notions and end up being productive. His friends have tasted his cooking multiple times and love it.

The whole gang has at some point worked in both Tweak.Bros and mr Donavan's shoe store

Tolkien's place is where they usually have their sleepovers. If for whatever reason they can't go to Tolkien's, then it's Craig's basement cause his parents are pretty chill and nice. They almost never go to Tweek's because his parents freak out the gang

Jimmy once wrote his final exam high on mushrooms and got a perfect score

Tweek never got a driving license because he's too scared of cars

[skepticalarrie]

Hi Allie, I think I have seen you answered some questions about your experience in England recently and know that you are actually from Brazil. Do you speak English as a mother language or just learnt it in school and only use it on the internet or on studies/works? I ask this because I only use English on the internet and read the news and still I have so many unknown words to learn... I have also learnt another language in college, and I am really into languages but I just do not feel like remembering all the vocabularies. I would like to know your experience in languages since you speak both English and Brazilian Portuguese. If the question sounds too personal to answer, please just ignore me.

Hi, darling. No, it’s okay! I will be happy to help. I’m going to answer under the cut because that's a long one:

So, the thing is… I barely spoke any english until I was like 18, I think?! I learned a bit of english at school like everyone in brazil but, honestly, what we learn is not even enough to form a coherent sentence, is it? I think the internet (but mostly songs and video games) helped a little bit when I was younger as well but I never really felt interested enough to *actually* learn a language.

What pushed me to finally learn it properly and for good was my ex. He speaks surprisingly very good english since he was younger, so that motivated me a lot. So honestly, I just decided to put a lot of effort into it because I thought it would be something useful in the future for me. And I know it sounds cliché saying that but what is going to bring your english to the next level- especially in terms of vocabulary - is to really immerse yourself as much as possible. What worked for me was to do everything I already did in portuguese also in english. So… books, podcasts, movies, songs, youtube, twitter, etc etc. Really, everything! Learning a new language as an adult can be really tricky, it’s not easy, so the only way of building a solid foundation is to get in touch with it as much as possible. I never really learned english properly, to be honest… like, actually studying. It was from reading and listening to other people talk. Plus, I also travelled a lot during that time, so it helped to improve my speaking a lot as well. And then my ex was transferred to England and I wanted to do a postgrad course there so I had a goal in mind and I studied for the IELTS test and I did pretty well!! And obviously living there and going to uni made my english 100x better. I barely spoke any portuguese while living there. I think one of the main reasons why brazilians can’t speak good english most of the time it’s because we’re lazy 😂 we look for other brazilians to speak portuguese, we try spanish before trying english. And not doing any of that and immersing myself as much as I could was the best thing I did. And of course, university helped a lot, especially with having to write stuff on more of an academic level.

Right now my life is really confusing when it comes to that hahaha I’m back living in Brazil for four years already, and in the first two I completely stopped practising, I was soooo rusty!! When I realised that, I immediately tried to get back to the things I used to do before. So I *never* see anything with subtitles in portuguese, always english or no subtitles. I only read books in portuguese when they’re originally in portuguese, otherwise, I *always* get the english version. It’s the small things and the consistency, to be honest. Coming back to blogging also helped me so much! Now I talk with you guys every single day, so I’m always practising. It helps a lot! It’s important to practice expressing yourself in english and not only listening and reading it. My speaking, though, is kind of rusty because I don’t really practice as much as I should but oh well 🫠 Sometimes I use english at work, but it’s not something that is really required at my job, it’s just a convenience I guess. So I just try to make good use of it in other areas of my life as much as I can. I know sometimes is harder because it didn’t come naturally to me as it did for some other people.. I see younger people online now, and everything is so globalized! It’s so much easier to practice and learn it. So my advice to you, anon, is simply: practice practice practice! Especially if you still feel like you’re weak in vocabulary and you’re learning it as an adult.

[phoenotopia]

2020 October Update

So... we've launched. And our launch was... actually kind of... bad...

This is a dev blog, so I'll speak on it. But before that, we do have the game's steam page up. If you're anticipating the PC release, please do visit the steam page and add it to your wish list. It would help us a lot.

VISIT STEAM LINK

...

So what didn't go so well?

1. We launched in Nintendo's Americas and Europe territory. If you've been following the release, you'd know that America got the game first. We didn't move to launch in Europe at all since I thought the EFIGS languages (English, French, Italian, German, Spanish) were pre-requisites for Europe. By the time I learned that this wasn't necessarily the case, and attempted to course correct, the damage was done. We had half the allotment of keys to do outreach, and maybe some European outlets that would've covered us, did not.

2. When the game launched, rather than a victory lap, what we experienced was more of a public lashing. We did get some reviews that praised the game highly, but just as many reviews lampooned the game for its high difficulty or other failings. I've since released two patches (or 3, depending on how you count it) to address the difficulty. A lot of overnighters. If you recall in the last blog post, I thought it'd be a good start if we got 20 or so reviews on Open Critic. But we've only 8 as of this writing, and the aggregate score isn't so hot. So that's a fail by my metric.

3. A publisher reached out to us because they were interested in physically printing the game! Yay! But... to advance our talks, they wanted to see the game's sales numbers to ensure that there's a good chance their investment could be recouped. And unfortunately, the game's sales numbers are pretty low. They backed out :(

Some hard lessons were learned. The biggest lesson for me concerns how well we playtested the game. Looking at the original playtester list, it's a short list. You may recall from a previous blog post that our ability to test was severely hampered by technical limitations. Add to that, a lot of people on this list are objectively really achieved players. We're talking power ranked in Smash Bros, regular tournament goers, and people who've played and bested every Souls game. And as the maker of the game, I am most blind to the game's challenges.

Now, I'm definitely more of the opinion that you prioritize PC development first. I still have some reservations about some stages of PC development. But if you do PC/Steam first, you have the great benefit of being able to do Early Access, which gives you access to a greater testing pool. I now view it as an invaluable part of the equation. If we had been able to do Early Access for 1 or 2 months before release, we probably could have ironed out most of the game's difficulty and balance problems. Hard lessons, indeed.

There were a lot of other notable events that occurred over the past 2 months - the travails of press outreach, realizing my own limits as a developer, feeling defeated and getting back up again, etc. There's too much stuff to chronicle or go into detail. But it wasn't all bad.

Some good things did happen...

We got a publisher to publish for Japan! It came as a huge relief, because clearly, we don't know what the heck we're doing.

The publisher has been an invaluable source of information and feedback. They've recommended some changes to the game to improve user experience. Some of these changes I was hesitant to do at first because they concerned systems I thought integral to the identity of the game. But after trying it, I have to admit, they're good changes.

So a Japanese version of the game was moving ahead. And it looked like that'd be it. I wasn't planning to move forward with any other language translations due to the game's low sales and our funds being depleted. 

But, I was approached by a translator who urged me to move ahead with translations. He told me he was willing to work for only a small price initially and then be paid the rest after from a percentage of the game's sales until the cost of the translation was paid in full.

I was surprised translators were willing to work under such a model since it's entirely likely the game's current low sales trajectory would continue and they wouldn't earn back the full cost of translation. But I was also flattered they were willing to take a risk with me. After that, I approached some others with the same hypothetical deal, and long story short, we're now moving forward with French, German, Spanish, Portuguese and Russian translations. As for why these languages in particular, they were languages for whom I had contacts (because they reached out to me at some point in the past). And also because they were deemed more likely to be profitable based on their home country's gaming market/buying habits. I'd be personally happy to have my native language be represented, but it's not expected to be a profitable territory. But if the game does better in the future, it may justify the costs of translation. There could be a chance!

The plan right now is to get the game supporting these first round of languages and then to patch that into the Switch version as well as launch the PC version with these languages - all in December. A lot of things need to align for this to occur, so a delay isn't out of the question. It'll be busy... I'll update the blog again in latter half of December, probably near the game's PC launch date... OR to announce a delay. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Fan Support

While the past two months have been grueling, one good thing remains constant - fan art! Thank you everyone who submitted. It means a lot to me and the team!

Big thanks to Pimez who's taken on watching over the reddit community as moderator. He also combs the other communities and makes sure I see every new art piece. Despite juggling his own life and all these tasks, he still found some time to draw.

Pimez's piece reminds us that just because the new game's out doesn't mean we can't still celebrate the original flash game. The jail dog is a dog found only in jail and only in the flash game. I imagine Gail is just tossing a stick, and they're playing fetch.

A new artist to this scene æv draws both the Phoenix logo AND a super cute picture of Gail playing the flute. So precious, you want to pinch her cheek. Even the Sand Drake is enthralled!

Another new artist, beet4ppy arrives on the scene with two pictures! One features a no-nonsense battle-hardened Gail looking stoic and tough! Kinda reminds me of Vinland Saga actually. The other, a more cheerful group composition - I must say I'm a big fan of Fran's classic anime-style eye!

A returning artist, Cody G, returns with a picture depicting the tribulations of cooking. Gotta love Gail's frantic expression! I've heard the complaints, which is why we've added an option to slow the cooking mini-game down. An improved button font is also on the way.

Gamesing with two undertale x phoenotopia crossovers. Thomas being a robot builder makes sense taking a role similar to Alphys. But why is Alex dressed like a clown? Perhaps there is a hidden meaning here... 

A new artist, Warotar, draws both a pooki wearing Gail's clothes and Gail wearing pooki clothes. Awww. The pooki is a bit scary - it kinda reminds me of a tragic event in a certain anime. But the Gail is adorable!

POL#5655 submitted this one to KM's discord which made its way to me. Here, a stylized Gail appears unnerved by the dark red eyes stalking her in the background. Are they bats or something more sinister?

A new artist, MilesCPW, arrives on the scene with three rare well-vectorized arts! Love it! One scene depicts Gail balancing a bomb on her head - that's a speedrunning trick I only learned about recently after someone emailed me a video O_O

The other drawing gives us new insight into Katash - he could actually look cute if he wasn't trying to kill you.

And the bees... Okay, this one got a chuckle from me :D

A returning artist roccy_chair draws this heart-warming scene from the beginning of the new game. Aww. Mika doesn't get much screen time for story reasons, so it's nice to see her represented.

UnrealWorld_32 returns with another drawing of Gail in Panselo, this time capturing a more idyllic time. I like the tranquil nature of this piece. And Gail does in fact play the guitar, denoted by the guitar in her room.

Returning artist shafiyahh draws a nice portrait of Prince Leo - looking regal and princely. I like the storybook art style of this piece. It made me immediately think of "the Little Prince" - one of my favorite books actually!

Negativus Core returns with a beautiful group composition of Gail and the gang - flying from a Switch shaped window - totally sensible considering the game is only Switch right now. As usual, I'm impressed by Negativus Core's use of challenging angles to frame a more dynamic shot of the characters. Great job!

And it wasn't only artists bearing the banner. I'd like to give a big shoutout to everyone in all the game's little communities (from the reddit to the discords to this tumblr). I've seen this community help newcomers with gameplay and walkthrough advice, discussions, updating the wiki, and so on. It does bring a smile to my face. Thank you everyone!

[br4inr0tx]

Hiii could I please get a matchup with a male from bnha and obey me? I am 5’4, Latina and a ENFP. I have pale skin, brown wavy hair that reaches a bit past my shoulders and hazel eyes. I am described as someone who comes off as cold or aloof when I’m around people I don’t know. After getting to know me, I am the complete opposite. I’m just a bit shy at first lol. My friends have told me that I give good advice but like to joke about my stubbornness. I like to make people laugh and try to make the best of any situation. However I have a hard time expressing my emotions. I’m also described as easy going and fun to be around. I love animals especially dogs. I am a hip hop dancer and love to perform. Enjoy reading and playing video games. I love music especially hip hop, rap, & reggaeton. I also love to write music/poetry. I really like drawing and painting. I can be playful and love to tease my friends. I also really like to eat and travel. I enjoy having deep conversations, like a lot lol. I can’t stand people who bully others and people who are fake. I like to be honest and helpful in any way I can. I speak English and Spanish (learning Japanese & Portuguese). Thank you so much!! 💘💘💘

Greetings, thanks for the request! I got really pissed about an hour ago because the app shut down didn’t save a damn thing I typed, and forced me to take another hour to type it all with my easily distracted ass to stare at a plushie on my bed- so I’m sorry if this matchup is kinda terrible.

Your Boku no Hero Academia matchup is..Denki Kaminari !!

As we all know, Kaminari is a very extroverted person.

You coming off as shy at first made him back off, but he’d keep trying. He’d try to make small talk with you every so often, and eventually when he got you to smile with him he was ecstatic!

He loves to joke around with you so much! He’s a funny guy to be around.

Kaminari can get stressed over the Hero Corse sometimes. The first person he goes to for advice however, is you! You give such great advice it makes him feel so much better.

Or maybe it’s your soothing voice?

Animals. Are. So. Damn. CUTE!!!

I date would definitely be him taking you to a petting zoo.

You being a hip hop dancer really amazes him.

If you can match up to Mina’s skill, he’s definitely going to hype you guys up. Please just teach him- he thinks it’s so cool.

Kaminari loves to play video games with you!

Another date idea, Kaminari plays video games with you and blasts music, sense he has basically the same music taste as you.

Kaminari might seem all nice, but when he gets mad, he’s mad. It’s all fun and games until you see him growl under his breath. It’s not right..someone’s definitely getting an electric shock for it too.

Kaminari speaks Japanese and English, but please teach him other languages! He thinks it’s cool.

Runners up!: Eijirou Kirishima, Izuku Midoriya

Your Obey Me! matchup is.. Mammon !!

Mammon is a little harder to talk to at first.

I mean, eventually he had to talk to you sense you live in the same manor and go to the same school as him- so he did.

God he loved you.

Your humor is something he loves, and you can bet he’ll fire right back with something equally funny or even more funny.

Mammon can be a little to sarcastic for his own good- and you two would have to many inside jokes to remember them all.

He’s was to narcissistic to think he should vent his feelings to others, and holds them all in. Give him the good advice to vent once in awhile. It’s okay to feel down. I’m sure you’ll listen to him, right?

Animals..? To fluster you, he’ll dress in his bunny butler costume, like shown in the gif. It’s all nice until his brothers snap a picture of him in it and bully him over it.

These brothers are definitely dancers.

Mammon is so happy he can find someone else that dances, and when you are he’ll just join you with some improv to match with what you’re doing. Not to mention, hip hop is his favorite!

He isn’t the best at video games like he says he is, but he’ll try. And play any music you’d like! He won’t really mind whatever’s played.

Mammon can get really angry when pushed far enough, and it isn’t pretty. Like all his brothers, he’s protective. If someone is getting hurt for no reason, he definitely has something to say about it. I’m sure he’ll stand by your beliefs on them.

Mammon also speaks Japanese and English, but he probably won’t pay attention in the end if you try to teach him. He can be a tough cookie sometimes-

Runners up!: Leviathan, Beelzebub

— coii

[momo-de-avis]

Do you have any recommendations of female artists (sculptors and painters)? (I went to a museum and now im salty lmao)

Off the top of my mind, I might remember someone else some time soon:

Sonia Delaunay. My girl LIVED and BREATHED art. She was the type to literally, and I mean wholly, surround herself with art to the point of living inside art. She sewed, made costumes for the theater, she made puppets, dolls, quilts, even furniture. She was an incredible, outstanding painter. She is at the centre of Orphism more so than Robert, her husband, who was more of a cubism guy. Now, from what I gather, a lot of what people say about Sonia in other countries is coupled with her husband, as if you can't talk about her without mentioning him. To a degree, that's correct because the two had a really secure partnership. They were both creators, and they pushed each other. It was incredibly inspiring tbh. But Sonia has her own merit, and in Portugal she is actually way more relevant than Robert bc of the influence she had on our modernist circle.

Lee Krasner. If only people sort of forgot she was Pollock's wife. Her method of creating is fascinating to me cause this girl just destroyed her past work completely, but instead of throwing it in the trash, she reused it to create new works. Art historians in the post modernist era weren't too kind to her, but she's being avenged. She's methodical and clearly puts so much thought into her composition her creative process is fascinating.

Julia Margaret Cameron. This woman is one of my favourite artists in the world. Cameron began taking photographs at 42 years old after she moved to the isle of Wight in England. She was gifted a camera by her daughter who just wanted her mother to be a bit less bored, and Cameron went on to create over 3000 astonishing photographs that are at the core of the pictorialist movement. She was also INCREDIBLY well acquainted of her society. I mean, literally every famous victorian person you can think of, she met them. The majority of famous photographs you can think of? She took them. She was very honest about her work too. Its really endearing because Cameron was so concerned about her own honesty in capturing beauty she didn't give a fuck about the actual mechanics, which resulted in a lot of photographers at the time labelling her "an amateur". She also refused to photograph high society folk that weren't her friends, and mostly photographed her maids. It must be said that Alfred Lord Tennyson absolutely DESPISED every single illustration made for his Idylls of the King, so much artists knew they were in for hell if they were commissioned the book's illustrations. Cameron was the only person Tennyson personally asked to illustrated, and he absolutely adored her work.

Hannah Hoch. I love Dada so it couldn't miss. Hannah Hoch was married to uhhhhh... Huesekbeck I think? I keep forgetting. Either way, she was part of the Berlin Dada group, and they gave her hell for being a woman. Yes, it's nothing short of that: they didn't want her to belong because she was a woman. Especially her husband, who she supported throughout his life and then he died and she was like "lmao maybe you should have made good art, my bitch". Hannah Hoch mostly makes collages, and it's incredible. Its a very poignant work about being a woman in post-Weimar Germany and the societal issues Germany faced after World War I.

Claude Cahun. There's a post I made about her going around so I wont prolong myself but essentially, though she used female pronouns throughout her life, she identified herself as androgynous and created an INCREDIBLE set of photographs. She was a surrealist who became the inspiration for Davie Bowie and Andre Breton lauded this woman breathless. She was also arrested for taking part in the resistance against the Nazis and lived her whole life with another woman who was her partner. Her work focuses tremendously on issues of gender and our perception of our own bodies.

Camille Claudel. Infamously, she is known as Rodin's lover. Camille's story is a very tragic one. She was a tremendously talented sculptor who accumulated patrons throughout her life, and though she had an a rough affair with Rodin (and he was a bit of a dick), he did praise her work and tried very hard to preserve her artwork. The issue was Camille's family, who scorned her and shamed her for being an artist and her life choices, and destroyed a lot of her art after sticking her in a mental institution where she died at like, 70. But Camille's work is... Well, it's beautiful. Its the kind of work you can see that conflict between being a woman in her society while desperate to liberate herself. Though she incorporates Rodin's language, she has her own mark, her own hand, and her own language.

Janet Sobel. She is actually the first person to coin, use and employ the technique of dripping. You know, the one Pollock gets all the praise for? Essentially, Janet Sobel was a grandmother by the time she picked up a paintbrush. She was also a ukranian emigrant with little to no english, and she engaged in art at her son's insistence. When her son Sol Sobel brought his mom's artwork to the major New York circles (she lived in New Jersey), she immediately caught the eye of Peggy Guggenheim, who put together a collective exhibition about female abstract expressionist painters. That exhibition was in 1946. Pollock was there, he msde a remark wbout Sobel's work, and in 1947 you have the first Pollock dripping painting. Do with that information what you will (and also, check for photos of how Sobel painted, it's so adorable and it just explains SO MUCH MORE THE CONCEPT OF ACTION PAINTING THAN POLLOCK). Eventualyl, Sobel stopped painting and disappeared, and there are several factors as to why we forgot her: Pollock was the CIA's bad boy, so yeah; she spoke little english (she befriended Marc Chagall and Mark Rothko bc they both spoke russian and they claimed that being with Sobel felt like being back home) and she developed an allergy to oil painting.

Maria Helena Vieira da Silva. We're moving to the french circle here, and yes she is portuguese but she belongs to the french post modernist circle. She's an abstract painter who draws a lot from cityscapes, and I think it's worth taking a look at her work.

Niki de Saint Phalle. Now Niki is incredible. She's mostly known for her Nanas, which are immense outdoors sculptures of women with thick bodies, defying the notion of slenderness imposed by fashion magazines that prevailed in the 50s. She also engages with her own trauma of sexual abuse and explores the notion of sexuality a lot, as well as women's bodies outside the realm of sexuality. At a given point, she collaborated with Jean Tingely a lot so she made a series of kinetic sculptures too.

Martha Rosler. I know you said painting and sculpture and I've already talked about collage lmao but Martha Rosler belongs to the first wave of feminist art and those mostly concern video art, though Rosler is very well known for her collages Bringing the War Home in which she literally brings the Vietnam war home. It's worth looking at her work.

Ana Mendieta. Another tragic story. Ana Mendieta was incredibly worried about the notion of the female body as perceived outside the realm of something sexual and nature. She works a lot with perishable material, works of art that are organic, that is, that will disappear with time. One of her most well known methods is leaving an imprint of her own body on natural surfaces, like a beach, or a field of grass, and then photographing it. Ironically, that was exactly how she died: she fell off I believe it was a 10th floor and onto the hood if a car. There is still speculation about it and everything points towards there having been a fight between her and her partner at the time, Carl Andre, who neighbours believe pushed her out the window. Carl Andre never saw justice and Ana Mendieta died at like 25 years old and at the prime of her career.

Kara Walker. She's a pretty young artist who's creating artworks as we speak and she confronts the notion of blackness with US history so blatantly it becomes monumental. She also makes large scale works to defy this message. If you ask me, she's one of the best artists living today.

Hilma af Klimt. She was a Swedish abstractionist and surrealist who was really focused on the occult, and made monumental paintings that engaged with things like the human psyche.

Lizzie Siddal. Now, Lizzie is better known as the Pre-Raphaelite muse, immortalised in Millais' famous Ophelia, but she was an artist of her own. And not just any artist. John Ruskin tutored her and praised her. In fact, he considered her biggest flaw being her love affair with Rossetti lmao she is very naive and honest about her work, and I would also recommend taking a look at her poetry.

Eleonor Fortescue-Brickdale. I know very little about her, but she was a post pre-raphaelite illustrator who, and this is just me, follows the trend of Julia Margaret Cameron. Her paintings are beautiful and seriously, look at both their work and try to see the similarities hah

Helen Frankenthaler and Joan Mitchell, two abstract expressionists who developed their own mode of painting and who border the Colour Field Painting (think Rothko).

Tamara de Lempicka. She's the glamour gal. She makes paintings about the glamorous life of high society and is very interesting because she depicts female nudes in a very intimate way. If I am not mistaken, Tamara de Lempicka had relationships with women, so that tells you a lot. She's very cubist in technique, more so than style.

Faith Ringgold. Oh my God, Faith Ringgold is fantastic. She is a black american woman who paints about the experience of being a black woman, but not just paint. She's best known for her Tar Beaches series, which as quilts she stitches while telling the story of a little girl who dreams about a world while spending time on her tar beach, which is the rooftops of the buildings in Harlem. Please do check her work, she is fantastic.

I'll leave well known names out because they are easy to search like Frida Kahlo, Artemisa Gentilleschi, Josefa d'Obidos, Sofonisba Anguissola (these three are located in the late renaissance period, so there's a lot of portraits, religious themes and still life), Mary Cassat, Berthe Morisot (both impressionists who focus on private female themes), Rosa Bonheur (naturalist who makes landscapes mostly), Evelyn de Morgan (post pre-raphaelite). Also check Zinaida Serebriakova, Georgia O'Keeffe, Lavinia Fontana, Louise Bourgeois, Angelika Kauffmann, Elisabetta Sirani, Romaine Brooks, Sophie Tauber-Arp, Varvara Stepanova, Paula Rego, Bridget Riley, Leonora Carrington, Vigée le Brun, Yayoi Kusama, Francesca Woodman. Etc. These are like .. top of my head with a quick google search to make sure I wrote the names right haha

[i-am-here-with-fanfic]

It was going to happen either way (All Might x Reader) Chapter 1/5

I have a few things to. say: I wrote this story last year (2018) because I was feeling down, I just remembered that it existed in my note app. A few songs were inspired, I will linked them down below, just beware that they are in Spanish, which is why I provided the english lyrics.

~~~

Your dream became a reality.

You became the number 1 musician in the world, with tickets being sold out every time you had a concert to sing at. Your quirk was Empathy, and you used your quirk with the music you made. Being a hero was something you always wanted to be, inspired by the all mighty All Might. Something about him made you happy and his warming grin was it.

But you failed, not having a powerful quirk you knew that you were destined to become a hero but it didn't come to you what until you listened to music. When you were happy, you listened to the music but when you were sad, you listened to the lyrics and it was so weird how music could do that to you, in relating to the music, feeling the emotions.

At age 17, you were given a guitar by your grandpa who was a less popular guitarist and he taught you how to play

In the family reunions, you sang for your family. You let the strumming of your guitar and the lyrics reached into their hearts and understand your message. If it was a happy song, they would get happy. If it was sad, they would get sad. It was a way for you to show your realism ideology to people and you were discovered by a music agency. You were in a hero program, not U.A. because of your lack of combat skills but a program to gain knowledge of heroism. You didn't mind it wasn't U.A. but it was a longshot. You worked hard to graduate with honors and to work in the music agency. You met Present Mic there because of his Mic quirk and you were just intrigued of it. The agency was a hero agency but it also provided music production. You met a lot of people who had instrumental quirks, like a Bass Drum that used his belly to produce the ugliest and the most beautiful bong. The ugliest cause villains to be in pain in their ear drum, the beautiful part was used in the band.

You were the only one that did not have an instrumental quirk but the first one to use your quirk in music that can help people.

In the recording booth, you sat on the chair and when signaled, began singing:

If only you had told me

The truth always

If only you responded to my calls

If only you loved me when I loved you

You would've been in my dreams as the best man

If you didn't know how to love, now is the time to march!

If only you had known what I suffered for you

Having to forget you without knowing why

And now you call, you want to see me

You vowed you changed and think of returning.

Get away from me, there's nothing left to talk about.

With you I lost, now I have someone to win.

And that, was the start of your music career.

The women and even men understood your music, the breakups that lead to crying only made them stronger in finding relationships. Girls would send you fan-mail about them forgetting their ex and finding someone who truly change their life for better and you would respond. That was when your fans were from 200 to 300.

Now, you would send videos of your respond as you read comments from your phone along with your boyfriend (named Hiroki Tsuki, who was number 2 in music), thanking them and responding to the questions. You were kind-hearted, emotional, sympathetic and golden-hearted. With his popularity, you went up to rank 3 but you didn't care since you were blinded by the love you received from him, when you alone and out in public.

In the interviews, you were asked who inspired you to go to the music industry and you responded with:

"I've always wanted to be a hero, and it was every hero that would push me further into having some kind of cool quirk, saving people, making sure they have the best life they can enjoy. But one hero in specific gave me that hope to continue...All Might. When I was given the results and rejected by U.A., I didn't let it affect me, because All Might's smile...he, in some way was giving me this sense of "Don't give up, there's something for you, you just have to search for it"."

You sounded so dreamily, as if he was your prince charming and you were 20 when you gave that answer.

In another interview, you were surprised to see All Might walk out of the curtains in his hero costume. In person, he was incredibly handsome, and the smile you admired for so many years, was bright with hope.

The host of the show made you two play a game after the interview to give entertainment for the audience. The premise here is simple. You square off against a friend in a game of blackjack. The person who loses each hand gets, well, a hand — to the face. And, really, what's more fun than slapping someone with giant prosthetic digits? Playing with All Might who was the inspiration of the giant, foamy hands was a lot of fun and you two were enjoying the game more than expected. He would laugh so heartedly when you had to place the giant hand on his face and you stifled your laughs every time he did it to you.

After it was over, you were inspired to write a song, called "Give you a Kiss." that left people with pleads and theories that you two were dating and your boyfriend jealous.

The lyrics that made so many "(All Might x y/n ship-name)" fans born and take over the internet was:

"To love you how I love you is complicated

Thinking how I think of you is a sin

To look at you like I do is prohibited

Touch you how I want to is a crime

Now I don't know what to do

For you to be okay

To turn off the sun to light up your smile

Speak in Portuguese

Learn to talk French

Or bring the moon to your feet

I only want to give you a kiss

And give you my mornings

Sing to calm your fears

I want you to not miss a thing."

When that was published, you were ranked number 1 from fans' support and the music productions.

That was also when hell was at your doorstep. You were eating with your boyfriend in a restaurant, you peacefully and he was tensed. You noticed but you didn't want to ask, he was like this for a long time and you were afraid of him hurting you with words. You gulped softly and risked it all, just so you can get it out of the way, "What's wrong, Tsuki?"

You sounded so calm, you wanted to let him know that you wanted to talk about it and he took it the wrong way. Even your quirk didn't work on him. He was too prideful and too angry, his emotions controlled him.

The next thing you didn't expect and it felt like it was going slow when you saw him push the table away, causing many gasps and screams to appear. You sat there, in shock and you saw a beast right across you.

"YOURE CHEATING ON ME ARENT YOU?! WITH THAT STUPID HERO, ALL MIGHT!! ARENT YOU?!"

You were humiliated but you continued to sit there, "I'm not...you should know this Tsuki...You read all my messages, I know how Open I am..."

He scoffs, his eyes going red. His quirk was mood. His eyes change color by which mood he was, now you really knew he was mad and he was capable of hurting you and others but you sat there in shock, not knowing what to do. His target was you, that you knew.

"YES, I KNOW HOW OPEN YOU ARE." And he chuckles, "I WAS THE ONE WHO OPENED YOU UP!!!"

You felt tears go down your cheeks, you couldn't believe your ears. He was betraying you and humiliating you further.

"DID "HE" OPEN YOU UP MORE? HUH?! DID YOU OPEN UP FOR HIM?!"

"YOU IDIOT!" You cried out, looking down a bit. "YOU IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT!!!" Paparazzis were taking pictures and videos of the incident. Some people were already recording.

You cried, hoping someone was going to save you and you silently prayed for someone to save you and it was your security. Police arrived and pushed the paparazzi out of the way and held down Tsuki to take him to jail for public destruction in the restaurant.

You were taken to your house and you called the agency to cancel your tours and interviews. You were in your house for 2 months crying and screaming. Paparazzi tried to get you vulnerable but you were completely isolated, thanks to your security, it was very likely you can cry in peace.

You watched TV, news about the scene that ocurred. The humiliation that made you go through and to start blaming on All Might.

"If he hadn't been in the host show, Tsuki wouldnt have been jealous."

"You stupid All Might fans, is this what you support? The violence that had to go through the greatest couple in the world? Stop this Ship now!!"

You were infuriated that they do that when he had no relation to it. You haven't posted on social media in that time frame, you haven't even turned on your phone to avoid calls and messages until now.

You opened up your laptop and read every message. Many called you vulgar names, some gave you inspiring messages, that it was going to end soon, that was going to be okay. Someone even gave you the link to your first song. The song that started all. The song of betrayal and going forward. Your mind took control and made you look at the TV screen, to see a sad host older woman of the show.

"...I will risk my own life, my own job just to say this in front of the cameras and I hope your watching this (y/n). And I hope you ungrateful people watch this. I am a quirkless human, I have a family. (Y/n) had a terrible day and you defending the awful Hiroki tsuki is worse than being called a criminal. What has she done to him? To you? You remember how she started? By singing from her heart, from her emotions. To let you know that you are not alone and through her music to help you move on. After this ocurred, what did you do?" She was glaring at the camera, her fist clenched. You cried silently as you heard her defend you. You released your quirk, for kilometers so everyone can feel what you felt. The pure sadness that erupted from you. You saw the lady on TV stop glaring and her eyes start tearing up. " I know I'm not the only feeling that...you guys feel that? She's sad!! She sad for what you made! SHE MADE MUSIC FOR YOU, TO HELP YOU RECOVER AND NOW THAT THIS HAPPEN, WHO IS GOING TO BE THERE FOR HER?! WELL, I AM HERE! (Y/N), I AM HERE!!!"

Your quirk was on for more than two minutes and such power made you bleed through your mouth, coughing out a bit and when hearing that from her, you smiled small and that emotion travelled through the people until it got to the woman again. She relaxed a bit and smiled softly.

"Let me in honey...please...my sweet daughter...let me be there for you." As she let the tears roll down her face. There was a sense of hope, until you felt a quick pain in your head from a whack that immediately stopped your quirk to function as you fell unconsciously on the fell and the man in the shadows, with maroon eyes glared at you.

He punched the wall and that caused the news and paparazzi to look over at your house. To see you in your white pajamas being taken by someone fast. He laughed for a short while he taken you somewhere.

[kyuala]

monsta x in são paulo (19.07.19)

hey y'all this post is to tell my experience during my concert and hi touch event of the we are here world tour last friday night 🤩 so buckle up bc its a LONG ONE but i divided it into categories so u dont have to read everything if u dont want to!

the concert in general: ok so the concert was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. there were about 7 songs i didn’t really listen to a lot or liked before the concert but even those were amazing and had me jumping and screaming and going crazy. they’re all SO much more beautiful irl which is like !!!!!!!!! HOW. and they’re so so SO talented all the choreos were incredible and their voices!!! sound even better irl. hyungwon asked minhyuk to sing a little bit of play it cool acapella for us and his voice 😭😭😭 so sweet it’s like honey. they brought hero back to life which was. an experience to see live tbh. i got to the venue line at 9:30am (10.5 hours before the concert) and i was about maybe 15? rows away from the stage (bc i had to go pee real quick as soon as they let us inside) but im like 158cm (5'2) tall so even tho i was standing on this little protection thingy to be taller i still couldn’t see them that well :( i dont think i saw any choreos in full bc of that but it was still amazing to see them do it irl. they all introduced themselves in portuguese during the first ment it was super 🤩 adorable! most of them only said “oi, eu sou ___” (“hi, i am ___”) but some of them had longer phrases prepared (maybe kh, jh and ck? i believe) which was so awesome to see!! during the second ment, hw talked about how some of their songs were composed by their own members and he did that to introduce “our maknae’s song” (aka mohae) and my soul left my body. after jealousy there was the first vcr which was like a youtuber au vcr and it was so!!!!! cute hyungwon, minhyuk and wonho giving us styling, skincare and exercising tips respectively, jooheon making a burrito he named "honey-to", kihyun and kyun teaching us how to make coffee and how to speak english resp and of course nunu's famous asmr mukbang 🥰🥰🥰 it was honestly superrrrr cute and funny i remember hyungwon trying to spell a word in english and just going "..........ne" after the first two letters and then kyun snickering skejdkksdk and jooheon making fun of ck for something and ck laughing the fakest laugh i ever seen in my life lmao and i also remember ki telling us to be careful about a lot of things but most of all our hearts bc he's gonna steal them 😷🤒🤕 but yes i loved it it was v cute and v funny and i loved how they were all interacting with each other even tho it was separate videos. after the unit stages, hyungwon revealed that joo had actually changed up his routine for a more samba-like beat specially for brazil 🥺 he confirmed that and we went INSANE and started showing them our own beat (a classic carioca funk "tchu tcha tcha tchu tchu tcha" that we fo with our mouths/words) and at first they were all like ??????? but then they LOVED IT and joined in on the fun. mh and kh were dancing to it the most and it was so funny. hyungwon or minhyuk then asked jooheon if he could incorporate our beat into his beatboxing and he said it was possible and then we were all just going TCHU TCHA TCHA TCHU TCHU TCHA while he was beatboxing along and he said it was difficult skdjkekddk around five or six different times they told us to take steps back and step a little bit away from each other so we wouldn't hurt ourselves or feel ill (hyungwon did it the most, he actually spotted a girl nearly fainting in the front rows and brought staff's attention to her and he only stopped talking about it/got more relaxed when they did something about it). during this same ment they talked about sn's and wh's different choice of clothing for their unit stage and said it was more daring and sexy and shownu said that kihyun actually chose those clothes for them lmao and ki said he chose them bc he knew us brazilian mbbs would love it and we were like wow. They Know we're whores love that. then someone was like "u chose that?? ur kinda conservative tho????" and ki said he's been "open-minded since birth" KDJSKFKDK rip conservative brothers but the way the lady translated it accidentally kinda made it sound that he was like. open for romantic/sexual advances and we were all like 👀👀👀 OKAY. oh also sometime during the concert one of them slipped and nearly fell doing something stupid (i think wonho or changkyun) skndkskdk the second vcr was the seven deadly sins themed and wow. the PRODUCTION. the absolute ARTISTRY of it all. wheres their oscar. it was honestly super cool but minhyuk was the only member that hadn't appeared yet and the only sin left was lust so we were all like 👁️😏 but then it said AGONY. ????????? it was kinda confusing but amazing nonetheless kyun wanted to shoot hyungwon but then he didnt bc the underlying message was that they all committed sins and blamed themselves but managed to find forgiveness by being together aw <3 a random moment that i dont remember when it happened was when kyun was speaking portuguese to us and he was trying to say "vocês querem curtir?" (which is something like "do you want to have fun?") but he messed it up a bit and accidentally said "vocês querem cu...?" which means "do you want asshole?" and we were all like BOY DKEJDKEJDIDKFKS i dont think he knows what it actually means but he corrected himself real quick and moved on to the next song 💀 for the second to last ment they tried to convince us the concert was ending (lmao) and there was only one song left, so we were all shouting "não" ("no") and they were like "we cant go??????" and we were like "no!!!!!" and they were like :/ oh well guess we gotta stay kdnskdjs they had the brazilian flag up there for some time but they also somehow got an lgbt pride flag there too for the pics??? before the ending ment kihyun said that they all have strengths, as i recall kyun's was writing cool songs/lyrics, shownu's was being fun, i think minhyuk's was having a voice like honey? and i dont recall the rest but when he got to hyungwon he just said "being very tall" and we were all like LMAO SAY SOMETHING ELSE ABOUT HIM!!!! and then he said an actual compliment lol for the actual last ment they each said goodbye to us, i specifically remember wonho telling us that the energy we had and him performing on stage for us reminded him of why he was a singer and why he had to be on stage 🥺🥺🥺 and shownu agreed 🥺 kyun(?) said even though he's going back to korea he's gonna feel incomplete bc he's leaving brazil, ki said he liked us so much he could have another 6 concerts here bc our energy would be enough to keep him going and then said something really greasy that i dont remember but obviously loved at the moment. and then they said they're coming back next year 🤩 and they told us to take care of ourselves and wait for them and come back next year (in a bigger venue, they said!) and they all had their pinky fingers up and were saying "promete" ("promise", but as in the imperative verb) to us 😭😭😭

the songs: i was going to put my videos in this post but there’s a video limit so i’m gonna post them separately later but the first song was shoot out and unfortunately i didn’t get to film any of it because i was in SHOCK that they were REAL PEOPLE and RIGHT THERE u know dkjskdkd then was hero and it was INSANE to see it live??? seeing them do the “i can be your hero i can be your man” move IN REAL LIFE????? not to be a kihyun stan but i had kihyun tunnel vision during the entirety of the song lmfao then it was trespass and the energy was INSANE everybody was going absolutely crazy to it esp during the chorus and jooheon’s “excuse my charisma"s!!! after the ment they performed party time and we had this fan project and the people in my area had yellow cellophane on their phone lights and the people in the back had green ones (brazilian colors) and we had them on during the entirety of party time bc they mention brazil in the song and it was just so 🥰🥰🥰 such a vibe! one of the only songs i actually danced to lol party time was next and also a ~vibe~ we all danced a lot to it and after it was over, during the ment, hw asked mh to sing a little of it for us and he was sooo happy to see us sing along and sing the entire chorus even after he had stopped! it was super cute to see him smile so proudly like that. and then it was the loml, my fave mx song, a booty call anthem that somehow moves my heart, miss mohae and as soon as i heard the first few beats i SCREAMED and i was the only one doing that before everybody else realized the song had already started but i didnt even have time to be embarrassed bc i was literally tearing up. honestly hearing it live was one of the best moments of my life bc i have this huge emotional attachment to the song and it was just all super special, i was screaming the lyrics at the top of my lungs and dancing and jumping and yelling. seeing kyun’s rap live was amazing and you could actually SEE how proud he was seeing so many people sing a song HE composed you know? he let us rap most of his part bc he was just in awe and wanted to see us sing it back to him. and hyungwon tried to rap jooheon’s part but he got it all messed up halfway through it was SO CUTE and jooheon had an arm around him and was BEAMING WITH LOVE the entire time 😍😍😍 everyone was fonding HARD at him. and the crowd was SO loud during the "don’t kill my vibe, i be on your way, i be, i be on your way” part it was actually deafening. i only recorded one of the choruses bc i wanted to enjoy the rest of the song but here it is! the next song was one of the other lomls, miss jealousy!!! it was absolutely STUNNING!! and yes the crowd went crazy when wonho mentioned shownu and yes that hyungwon+changkyun part IS as overwhelming to experience irl as it looks. after the youtuber vcr came the unit stages and oh. my. god  mh, hw and kh came out first and it was just. so sexy and elegant. and the vocals? 10/10 LOVED that men in suit shit. then was jooheon's and changkyun's stage and HOLY. FUCKIN. SHIT. absolutely my favorite performance of the night it was EVERYTHING to me. the energy was super fuckin cool and we were all jumping around and screaming while they rapped in sexy robes over a cool ass beat it was awesome. in the middle of the performance joo tried to flip a water bottle (???) and he actually failed lol but we were so hype we didnt even notice/care we just hyped him TF up. he later apologized for it during the next ment and the real time translator lady said "desculpa" ("sorry") and changkyun said "yeah, desgupa" immediately after 🥺 then jooheon had a drum solo which ??????? i had zero fucking idea about i was just kinda standing there in shock while he absolutely murdered that drum set right in front of our eyes. AND THEN ck came back and started to rap along to his drumming and i know im saying this a lot but it was SEXY okay i have no other words they were both in muscle tees just out there being their sexiest selves UGH. and AS IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH then came wonho and shownu's stage and uhhhhhhh wow. SEXY AS WELL but also kinda angsty? idk but i loved it they absolutely killed it with the dance and they were wearing see through shirts and the crowd went insane. after that there were the songs i didn't listen to a lot or liked before the concert but they were all still amazing to me!! honestly, i do love u, white sugar and no reason were all SUPER cute!! AND THEN. miss myself came on and oh my god. it was a spiritual experience to see it live. absolutely amazing and breathtaking even though it's so simple. like it's just so elegant and moving. i had to close my eyes a couple times to feel the moment and it was an amazing sensation. also!! a few girls gave us free banners to lift after kihyun's high note and they said 주변을 돌아봐 내겐 다 너니까 꿈이 아냐 (shownu's line, "turn and look around, because you're everything to me this isn't a dream") and it was SO emotional to see a sea of these red banners showing them our love!! 

it was amazing AND THEN. dramarama oh my god it was so freakinggggg cool! to see the performance live, jooheon milly rocking right in front of my eyes... amazing. everyone went insane during rapline's first part. one of my fave performances for sure!! next song after the ment was oh my and IT WAS AMAZING!! the choreo was just stunning and the energy!! everyone was just jumping around and screaming the lyrics, esp kihyun's line before the last chorus!! and im absolutely obsessed with the choreo, honestly. then special and fallin' were SO COOL, just like the other upbeat songs, the energy was amazing, everyone was jumping around and screaming the lyrics. fallin' was especially hype as hell and minhyuk did this funny low voice dkjskdkd then it was alligator and listen. i hated it when it came out but when they performed it i had never loved a song so much in my life. it was CLEAR it was one of the performances they were working the hardest on and their talents were really shining through 😔 i had ki and shownu tunnel vision unfortunately i missed kyun's iconic hip thrusts sksjdks but theres always next year i guess! so they had just convinced us it was their last song but after a few mins hyungwon came back out and we met H.One hehe i didnt think i would like it bc i thought it would be mostly edm and i dont really like edm but it was just some really good remixes?? he played taki taki and mi gente and everybody went fuckin insane like i remember my knee hurting super bad during this part and he was just. chilling on the stage sjejdjsk BUT THEN CAME THE TRUE GO CRAZY AAHHHH GO STUPID MOMENT OF THE CONCERT: RODEO. boy was it a fuckin ride. truly the time to fuckin wild out at an mx concert. i think it was during this song that minhyuk (?) put a brazilian flag around jooheon's shoulders so we were even more hype!! last song was by my side and it was super calm and bittersweet and like a "goodbye, ily" song :( we had these paper hearts someone gave us and we kept them up for them during the entire song, it was so lovely

the hi touch: ok so the concert ended and we waited around 50 mins for the ht event to start and we were all in a single line that went behind a curtain and THEY WERE ALREADY BEHIND THE CURTAIN SO THERE WAS NO WAY TO PREPARE FOR IT KDJDJDJD they were all standing behind a table and on the other side of the table was some of their staff on a single line to keep people from taking pictures of them and we had to go through the line of staff and the table to see them/touch their hands. it was SUPER rushed i dont think i spent 3 seconds there. my brain absolutely froze bc it was my first time at a hi touch (or first time meeting a celebrity, ever) and it was like 7 people i love and admire all at once so i couldn't manage to say more than "hi" to them and just look at them in shock and i was going faster as they (staff) told me to go faster (stupid) but they were also telling us to use only one hand and not touch their hand with both of ours but fuck that lol so in general they are all real people which is insane??? but also they ARE all SO much more beautiful in real life. like they literally glow. my friends told me they would seem taller and skinnier than i thought but i honestly didnt have the time or the brains to think about that or notice any of that. hyungwon IS tall as fuck though

kihyun: just my luck, my first bias was the first one of the line. as i walked behind the curtain there was a taller girl in front of me in line so i couldn't see much so i had like no time to process anything ksjskdks as soon as i saw it was him i went "oh my god, hi" (yes in english bc i know he understands basic english and doesn't speak portuguese lol) and he was SO sweet like it was literally half a second but his face softened and he said "hiiii" back and gave me the sweetest smile :( hes an angel on earth and i can prove it ok. hi touch aside, he's VERY confident onstage and also VERY greasy lmao he was shooting greasy stuff at us left and right and we ATE IT ALL UP. but he's also incredibly sweet and funny but like we been knew. every time he said something greasy he would expectantly wait for the lady to finish translating so he could see our reaction and afterwards he ALWAYS had that smile where he gets those dimples below his eyes :( he's one of the most talkative members!

shownu: mistre hyunwoo was second in the line and i was still in shock from seeing the loml so all i said was "hi" and he honestly seemed confused that i, a brazilian, was trying to speak english to him, a korean DJJSKDKD but he said hi very quick and had this small smile. he's taller than he seems?? i think? at least onstage and he's also very bashful no matter what he's saying lol unless it's serious stuff like him agreeing with wonho during the ending ment

wonho: ok so i dont remember the order exactly after the first two bc i started to like. have brain death but i THINK it was wonho but i saw him VERY quickly. idk if it's bc i saw him right after shownu or if he was bending forward or what but he's actually shorter than i thought he was. he had the HUGEST smile on his face and was super excited to say hi back to my dumbstruck face lol he's also?? surprisingly commanding?? like he's not imposing or anything bc he's super gentle but he told us to be quiet while he was speaking (.......lol) bc we were screaming and when he started to speak again this group of girls continued screaming and he looked at them DIRECTLY, FROM THE STAGE, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MENT, POINTED AT THEM and deadass went "i have already told you to be quiet twice" and everyone was like??? in shock bc we didn't know if he was serious so we were just like 😳😳😮😮 it was very bizarre honestly a surreal moment to see wonho talk like that to any monbebe ever (for the record im not saying he was rude or anything, it was just very surprising to see that happen). i clearly remember these 3 older ladies referring to him as "primo" ("cousin") for some reason during the entire concert and idk why but that's so funny to me? it's kinda stuck in my mind now im gonna start calling him primo. he ripped his shirt off a total of two (2) different times, maybe three, one of them unprompted and unrequested, during a slow song. love that for him

hyungwon: oh boy. here we go. when my friends told me he was the most different one irl and that he was incredibly prettier i was like ok and then i saw him on the stage and was like yeah alright he's a little different but nothing too exceptional but holy. crap. he was never my type but when i saw him face to face i think my mind literally blacked out. like my body was still functioning but my mind just completely shut down when i saw him smiling at me and saying hi. like that didn't happen with kihyun, one of my ULTIMATE BIASES, but it happened when i saw HIM, that's how beautiful he is. im not using any of these words lightly, but he's beautiful, pretty, stunning, overwhelmingly handsome, an angel. he's just indescribable. his hair is so long and pretty and his face is just so soft and beautiful and he has the prettiest looking lips. has heavy vampire boyfriend vibes also. one of the quietest members, i barely have any pics of him bc he was rarely ever on the big screen bc he didnt say much. tall as hell too

minhyuk: listen i am SO SAD about this i was so overwhelmed by hyungwon's face my mind completely blanked when i got to minnie and i have no idea what i did, i don't even know if i said anything or if i just stared at him dumbfounded sjejjdjsd i have no recollection of his face at ALL like my mind was not able to process anything after hyungwon BUT i know he is pretty as hell (wbk) and he's also even sexier on stage!! like his presence and his moves are just very sensual and he is one of the most talkative ones too! we already know that but he is SUPER funny he never missed an opportunity to do something completely bizarre i just love that funky lil cowboy HE HAD A COWBOY HAT OVER HIS CAP DURING RODEO AND HE ALSO WORE THE FUNNIEST BRAZILIAN FLAG SUNGLASSES DURING HIS ENDING MENT HERE HE IS

jooheon: yall. he is SO. so so so SOOOO much prettier irl like he doesn't LOOK any different like hyungwon does but he's just even more beautiful up close and he also looks taller than i pictured? his whole face was just lit up seeing us and he was super excited to be saying hi to me it was so sweet :( like i am actually even more in love with him now after experiencing that i even dreamed about him that night lmao and oh god I cant even describe how cute his eyesmile + dimple combo is irl 😔😔😔 he talked a lot too and he literally speaks in POUT whenever he said something most of the time it sounded like he was whining it was so cute jdjdjfjd but when he's performing he's a BEAST his stage presence is un-fucking-paralleled he definitely has the strongest one in the group. his mere being there just commands you to pay attention to him in awe it's just very inexplicable. he's just super cute and nice and an angel 

changkyun: oh god I didn't wanna write about my experience with him during the hi touch jsjsjdjs but im gonna try to keep this as neutral as possible. so after i got to jooheon he was the last in line (which was my ideal situation, my two biases - ki and him - in opposite ends so even if i did freeze when i saw one id have time to get over it before the other one) and when i got to him he didn't look at my face, he was looking at the beginning of the line (???) for some reason, so even though i grabbed his hand and said hi i dont remember if he even said it back and i didn't get to look him in the eyes like all the others, which made me really angry as soon as i walked out and then really upset bc i spent 110 reais to see them and one of my two faves didn't look at me when i was right in front of him, but u know it is what it is. i dont think he did it on purpose or that he's an asshole or anything like that, it's just something that happened and upset me. but aside from that, the thing that stuck with me the most out of the entire concert: HE IS INCREDIBLY!!! SEXIER IN REAL LIFE like all my friends who saw mx say hyungwon is the most different but for me it was kyun. he's SO MUCH MORE HANDSOME than in the internet, pictures really do not do him justice. and he has this really hot careless, cool guy attitude in general, like when they/we were hyping him up bc of mohae he was like 🤙🏼 he stared at the floor a lot while the others were talking and like. he knows he's hot thats VERY clear lmao. he's surprisingly talkative. he's very effortless with his moves when he's dancing and that's not saying he doesn't put in effort he just makes it seem so. easy and nicely flowing idk. he was wearing a cap during the hi touch and holy fucking hell he has the nicest profile ive ever seen. thats all

sidenote: PLEASE be careful when camping days before a concert or even hours. a LOT of the people who had spent too much time in line to be closer to the stage had to leave the concert halfway through bc they were literally about to pass out after having spent so much time with poor sleep and unhealthy eating/drinking. enjoy your concert but also take care of yourselves!!

[eallisnwndrlnd]

A New Year. A New Decade.

As I type away, only a couple of hours to go to lead us into not only a new year but a new decade. So many memorable moments that happened this year…some good…some not so much.

2019, a year that began with anxiety and stress as I began my final semester and final year of college and ended it with uncertainty of what the next year will bring with a bit of hope that things will get better.

As I begin to reflect on my 2019, I note that even with all my downs I had a lot more ups and so much to be thankful for this year. As some of my family and friends had many new joys to celebrate there are others near and dear that also suffered a lot of hardships and loss this year. For them I hope that this New Year will bring hope, joy, peace and many more blessings.

I stressed over my academic performance as my college years were coming to a close. As I lost myself in my thesis and trying to complete it and finding that pulling my hair strand by strand may have been less painful of a process. The stress of personal issues happening at home, my deepening depression, and self-inflicted stress from school, led to me smoking a ciggy after being more than 2 years smoke free. Albeit only two lung cancer sticks, but still a moment of succumbing to my go-to distressing vice. I was, however, more determined than ever to survive my senior year being on top. With many late, tiring nights I worked towards ending on a high note. And boy did I. After having graduating high school 19 years ago, I, Ethni, at 37 years of age FINALLY graduated college…as a foreign student…with honors to boot! Can you believe it folks? I actually managed to graduate cum laude. Holy mother of fruitloops, how the frak did I even do that and not go bald? An academic acknowledgement I never dreamed possible four years ago when I started my first year of college. An honor that I can solely chuck up to hard work and determination no matter how much I lacked in confidence or ability. Alas, I finally completed a long held dream to obtain a college degree even if it took me a long time to get there. Of course the dream initially was graduating back home years ago in my dream school NYU-Tish, but hey, there are moments when dreams and goals change depending on what cards you’re dealt with and how you deal with them.

This year I was able to go back home for a visit after being away for five years. Oh how I missed my family and friends and OMG the FOOD. (the latter gifted me 20 extra pounds to take back to the Philippines) As I went back to visit the people nearest and dearest to my heart, unfortunately not having enough time to see all of them,  I couldn’t help but feel nostalgic. How much has changed in just those five years amazed me. I felt so odd when I visited my old workplace. I hardly remembered the halls I once roamed for three years. It felt so much farther back in time than it was that it almost felt like a dream rather than actual memories. I also found some odd connection to my hometown of Los Angeles that I don’t remember ever having in all the time that I lived there. Perhaps being away for as long I had gave me some new perspective of my birthplace that was something other than being at odds with it and not feeling like I belonged. Basically I can say I don’t hate L.A. as much as I did when I was so desperate to move away from it.

After graduating, I had so many things I still needed to complete before I could even begin to search for my new direction in life. I had to change my student visa status which was a trying and pricey task. I had to finalize the printing and binding of my thesis which I finally managed to do only a month ago…ahh ever the procrastinator that I, at times, can be.

As a part of my student visa downgrading tasks of having to deport myself briefly and return with tourist visa status, I was able to check off yet another goal of mine from my ever changing and growing bucket list. My ma and I made a three day vacation of it in Tokyo, Japan. This was a city I had wanted to visit for years but had to work at convincing my mom to let our trip itinerary be in Tokyo. With her memories of WW2 as a child, I couldn’t really blame her but thankfully she finally said yes. Tokyo is a remarkable city with a lot of history and traditions. We found the Japanese people to be some of the most respectful, disciplined, welcoming and helpful people we ever had the honor of meeting throughout our travels. There were a handful of standout moments like where one young lady even walked opposite of her direction to help show us where our hotel was. I definitely will make plans to return one day but for longer than the three days we were there and make sure that I go to Mount Fuji. 

Out of what I had hoped to accomplish from what I wrote last new year, I only managed to check off a few but hey, we all know that even one being checked off is practically a miracle for many of us.

I did get to learn a new language, bombarding my phone with language apps. I have managed to nearly memorize the Hangul alphabet. Now I just need to start memorizing the actual vocabulary and I’ll be good. I can now at least read several of the ingredients on Korean cosmetics and skincare products.  I have also added some words in Chinese, Japanese, French, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, German, Gaelic, and Russian. (I tried Arabic but I need a one on one assistance with that one rather than an app) In one or two more years I hope to at least be mediocre in my ability to speak and understand Korean while learning a few more words from other languages. Of course I sometimes get confused as hell mixing up foreign words and their translations in my head. Some Chinese leaks into Korean sentences and Portuguese gets muddled with Spanish, Italian and French. The proper pronunciations and accents also get flipped around. I already had this issue with my second language, Tagalog, finding itself mixed in with my first language of English (U.S.) With my memory issues also adding to this problem, I may find myself one day accidentally saying a multilingual sentence without realizing it. I already have a bad habit of going Taglish around people who only understand the English part. 

I did cook and bake a lot more this year than I did last year to the point that my mother is complaining that I am spending too much money and time on ingredients for my baked concoctions. I even took the time to cook vegan dishes for much of my school lunches during my last semester. I did love to bake more often than cooking this year thus partly to blame for my added weight gain…

As one recent unsolicited comment from a male FB acquaintance said…”u really fat” Yes, darlin’, thank you so much for that ‘oh so keen’ observation (FYI I have a mirror and a plucking scale of my own. I don’t need input I didn’t ask for nor need. Ever heard the phrase “if you ain’t got nothing nice to say...shut tf up”?) . As he so gracefully put it, yes I’ll admit I added a bit more junk in my trunk this year rather than shedding it. And? Yeah so I admit, I piled on the dessert and snacks and revisited my obsession with video games that had me mimic the physical actions of a sloth or an overly blubbered seal to the point that I nearly gave myself tennis elbow and the posture of Igor. It also didn’t help that my fybro kept flaring up on and off this year which made me feel like a Golden Girl could take me down in one fell swoop and outrun me. Not to mention my constant and annoying friend that is called clinical depression and chronic anxiety that kept nipping at my heels that I’m lucky that I can even act like a functioning human most of the time. The fact that I can tell my inner negative voice to shut the duck up most of the time and ignore it, as well as wishing to not wake up at all only twice this year is a frakking miracle in itself. (Seriously though...what is up with some people that feel the need to foist their shallow insights on those that did not solicit it. And the added ludicrousness that sometimes this is supposed to lead into a flirt-on...I mean what kind of hells bells reverse psychology load of horse manure is that?)      

Unfortunately I did not read any books this year but I did read more news articles and try to keep myself up to date on current events. (and try tried to stay sane while reading them)

My writing progress stalled and I only have a long list of story ideas to show from it. There is one story I recently started outlining that I find hopeful. I think it has the legs to be a decent script if I can manage to focus on its development. That will be a big focus this coming year…to gain some momentum in my writing.

(currently being distracted by the onslaught of illegal fireworks popping in my neighborhood, hoping my house and neighborhood manages to survive these irresponsible idiots.)

The promise to keep up with my daily checklist died a hollow death early on in the year with my senior year and thesis weighing me down from being able to stay consistent. Well there’s always next year.

Sadly I didn’t get any higher in Gurushots but I did get one of my shot viewed along with other peoples work at a showing. Yay for the small things!

I did sell several of my clothes and accessories but still way more to go before I can say I am done. Like a HEEP load. Every time I see some clothes I want to buy I have to keep repeating “no more clothes” over and over again. I just try to picture Hasan Minhaj’s piece on fast fashion to control those horrible habits of mine. 

Even though I didn’t successfully check off a lot of what I wanted to complete for this year, I still look back to this year as a decent one even with my ever present depression and anxiety looming over me. Dude, I graduated college, I learned a new language, and I knocked off Tokyo from my bucket list. I think that was enough to make my year above meh and almost a big YAY!

As I near the close of this annual report of mine, I list these goals and hopes not set in stone but in rainbows (oh yes I just went there into ridiculousness!!!)

May I find a job I actually like rather than what I just deem as a necessary obligation to obtain a paycheck.

I will learn enough Korean to be able to legitimately claim that I am multilingual.

Finish reading the books that I have collected on my shelf before I leave the Philippines.

Cook and bake with a bit more flair and add more complicated dishes to my repertoire.

Sell and clear out more of my shit to prepare me for our move back stateside if all goes according to plan.

If I manage to shed enough off my caboose to fit in the jeans I already own that will be a small victory in itself and the only goal that deals with my rollipollies for the year. If any extra manages to come off along the way that’ll be just an added bonus.

Hitting reset on my daily checklist and will do my best to let it last longer than last year (I can say that now as it is currently past midnight and officially 2020 in my neck of the woods)

If I do move back stateside this year I will start saving towards my future goal of getting me a tiny home. (Seriously the perfect solution to my wanting a permanent home but not a permanent address and thus my added reason to shed the burden of most of my crap)

Complete my story outline and treatment and finalize the first draft of a 45 minute script.

Delve a bit more into my art and photography as well.

Get more sleep…(crappy sleeping habits I can lay blame to my current gaming and ongoing kdrama addiction and mindless internet browsing habits)

Begin volunteering once again.

With my final moving destination still unknown dependent on the job prospects I get, pretty sure I won’t be able to mark off any other travel destinations or adventures for the coming year.

Just be healthier not only in body but in mind and soul overall. I need to work on alleviating my health issues that aggravate my fybro as well as my anxiety. If my brain could shut the frak up and calm the frak down, and keep my ma’s schizophrenic outbursts and episodes to no more than an hour a day at least once in a while would be oh so lovely.

As long as I keep going and progress even in baby steps I will eventually get there.

For those that know me and my political ideology, they know what I especially hope for this year. Please oh please if there are any actual deities that exist or even if there isn’t…please let that outcome be a good one.

Now I end my annual New Year musings with a Happy New Years greeting to everyone. May we all find good and peace in this new year and may we have a better decade than the last one.

Goodbye 2019, I can’t say I’ll really miss thee. And goodbye to another decade.

Hello 2020, be better dammit and I promise that I will strive towards making it a positive and productive one for me, my family, my friends and with that, some decent contribution to this world we all live in.

[ramblingthoughtsofayoungadult]

A Leg Up-Matty Healy Imagine

Requested: Yes

Warnings: None

 “This is a good gig for you, Y/N. It will get you more exposure,” Anthony, my agent, assured me as we walked into the filming studio in central London.

   Glossy black and white photographs of British, Welsh, Scottish, and Irish movie giants lined the walls of the entrance. Everyone inside was tall, slim, and stylish, as was typical of the entertainment scene. However, music people were involved in the mix so they were either stylishly disheveled or wearing every expensive item they owned. After twenty years in the entertainment world, I knew that I did not get along with either type of musician: the first were usually Kurt Cobain wannabes and the second were only interested in flashing their money on social media and starting pointless drama. Unlike my peers, I took my job as an actress seriously and knew that I had to align myself with the right people and the right projects to be seen a certain way. So, after my teen show ended, my costars and I were in a precarious stage that would determine the rest of our careers. Some of my costars would fall into the party scene and no doubt wind up in rehab while others would take a few jobs here and there only to retire to a normal life. I refused to fall into either camp and knew that if I wanted to have a long career as an actress, I had to keep working and take the best jobs. Anthony knew that and lined up several auditions for big-budget films that would premiere after my show’s finale. I landed one of them, a dive into post-apolalyptic society, but I knew that I had to keep my name in people’s minds. When I tasked Anthony with getting me a good, press-inducing gig, he called me two days later, instructing me to get on a plane to London to shoot a music video.

   At first, I did not want to go and end up being another video girl, but I let Anthony persuade me and he continued persuading me when we met for brunch before leaving to the filming location.

   “But are you sure this is the right kind of exposure?” I asked as two tall, thin men in black and white uniforms opened the glossy glass doors that led to the smaller studios.

   “Of course!” Anthony glanced up from his BlackBerry. “Have I ever steered you wrong?”

   I crossed my arms. “Must I remind you about the Care Bear incident?”

   Anthony rolled his moss green eyes. “That was a decade ago? Will you ever let me live that down?”

   “Not until it is completely scrubbed from the Internet,” I teased.

   Anthony grumbled. “Well, this will definitely make up for it. This band is very big, not only in the UK but all over the world. Everyone with a pulse will see this music video and wonder who that girl is, dancing to the 1975? And is that her in that trailer for that blockbuster? I have to see if she can really act.”

   “Fine, fine, I see your point.”

   Anthony paused at one of the doors and glanced at his silver Rolex. “We’re here and right on time.” 

   He opened the door, revealing what could only be the music video set. There were industrial lights illuminating a large stage, complete with proper band equipment. The stage stood high above the crowd that was made up of two hundred extras. Assistants in all-black rushed around the studio, huffing into walkie-talkies, and swatting extras away from the craft service table. 

 Anthony had sent me a brief email describing the concept of the video: the band was going to be playing at a gig and Matty’s love interest, me, was going to show up as a surprise. The song was “The Sound” and, from what I could gather, it was about a former relationship but there was still a connection between the couple. 

  A blonde woman in a black pinstripe suit walked up to us. “You must be Mr. Vincent and Miss Y/L/N,” she said in a curt Welsh accent.

   “Yes, that’s us,” Anthony said.

   “My name is Bridget, Bridget Waters, the casting director for this video.��� Bridget looked me over with her cool gray eyes. “You look better in person. Now, you must go to hair and makeup.” 

   “Thank you.”  

   Bridget rushed me over to the hair and makeup section, where I was immediately surrounded by stunning, coiffed professionals. When they were done, there was no evidence that I was jetlagged. My y/h/t y/h/c y/h/l hair was blown out in shiny strands and soft to the touch. Once my makeup and hair were done, a petite brunette girl in the new Jason Wu dress put me in a pair of black patent leather pants, a tissue-thin blue blouse, and black Balenciaga knife boots. I was already tall but the boots made me tower over almost everyone.

 As if on cue, I heard my mother’s voice say,  “Remember, tall girls like you are swans, make everyone else feel like ducklings for even looking at you the wrong way.”

 I took a deep breath and straightened up my posture. As the stylist made some alterations, Anthony was barking orders on his phone in Portuguese. At the end of his conversation, his face was redder than usual. 

  “Thank you for being professional,” he said, “and you look good.”

  “You’re welcome and thanks?”

  A second later, a quiet roar took over the studio and that could only mean that the band had arrived. 

  “OI!” The director called, silencing the excited extras.

  “There’s no need for that, love,” Matty teased.

  It was the first time I ever heard his speaking voice and it sounded like velvet. I strolled away from Anthony and the stylist once she was done with the alterations, and saw Matty with the rest of the band. He was wearing an expensive-looking black button-down with black leather pants, ankle boots and a leather jacket. His bandmates were dressed similarly. I had seen pictures of them on social media and heard a few of their songs before, but I was not their biggest fan. However, I could respect their music and acknowledge that they were all better looking in person.

  Suddenly, Matty looked at me and quirked an eyebrow in my direction. He strolled over to me and extended his hand. “Hello, ‘m Matty.”

  I accepted his handshake, silently thanking myself that I decided to get a manicure the day before. “Y/N.”

  “I know you from somewhere.”

  “Oh, really? I didn’t think that someone like you would watch anything that I was in.”

   “Roxanne!” the tall, brunette member said as he and the rest of the band approached us.

   I felt my face warm up at the mention of my old character. “That’s me.”

   Matty turned to him. “How’d you know that, Adam?” 

   “Well, she was only the best part of Bright Lights, the finest American television show I ever watched,” Adam said.

   “Thank you, really, I didn’t think that anyone over sixteen watched that.” My stomach dropped as I realized I had insulted the member. “Which is fine, sorry, I just----”

   “It’s fine, as long as you tell me exactly how the series ends. Do Roxanne and Edward end up together, or does she go with Nick? I’m personally more of a Nick man m’self.” 

   Matty wrapped his arm around Adam’s shoulders. “Right, Adam, we get it, you are a big fan. Don’t weird her out.”

   “No, it’s fine, really, but I cannot give away any spoilers----ruins all the fun.”

   Adam fake pouted. “Fine, I guess I can live with an autograph and a picture.”

  “You have a deal.” 

   “Can I get those both as well?” Matty asked.

   “Sure.”

   “Oi, I want a picture with the movie star!” the blonde man announced as he and another tall brunette man ran over to us.

   I laughed. “Fine, we can take a group picture.” I waved Anthony over and all the members handed him their phones.

  We took so many pictures that I was positive that I had blinked in one of them. At the end of the impromptu photoshoot, the director insisted that we get started with shooting.

   “So, I s’pose you’re my love interest then?” Matty asked.

   “Yes, I suppose so.”

   “Could you do me a favor? Try not to fall in love with me, it would make today much more complicated and I know it might be difficult, but you have to resist.”

  ��I couldn’t help but chuckle as hair and makeup surrounded the band. “I’ll do my best, I am an actress after all.”

   The music video shoot was a lot more enjoyable than I thought it would be. The director yelled instructions through the megaphone and the song blasted through the speakers. All the boys behaved energetically on stage, interacting with the extras, and pretend playing their instruments. It was almost more fun watching them perform than when it was time for me to enter. The director had me start halfway through the crowd and signalled me to push my way through the crowd until I got to the front. Matty would pause in the middle of the song as the music kept playing when he saw me, a surprised look on his face. I half-smiled in return but kept moving towards the stage. Once I got to the front, Matty would continue singing and dancing around on stage. In a few different takes, he lowered himself down to my level and winked at me. In other takes, he would blow kisses and I couldn’t help but laugh. 

   When my heart skipped a beat, I silently chastised myself. He was obviously acting, wasn’t he? He’d done videos before with models where he had to be romantic with them. 

   Then, the time came for the extras to leave so that Matty and I could film a solo scene. I took a couple of pictures with extras as they were leaving.

   “Oh my gosh, Roxanne and Bridget better make up or I will have a whole cow!” one girl exclaimed after I signed her phone case.

  “Oh come off it, Rachel, Bridget is the biggest slag in the history of slags and Roxanne can do better friends wise,” another girl said.

   I laughed. “Thanks, but you will both have to wait and see.” 

   They ignored assistants ushering them away as they waved while walking in the direction of the exit. 

  “My, my, someone’s popular,” Matty said behind me.

  I turned to him. “Oh please, I did not have all the extras screaming when I walked into the room.”

  Matty shrugged. “Don’t worry, you’ll experience it one day.”

 I playfully pushed him and jumped away when he tried to push me back. As we were laughing the director approached us.

  “Alright you two, let’s get this over with and maybe we can all leave here at a decent hour. Now, I want Y/N to start walking out of the studio, but you’re gonna stop her, Matty, and pull her towards you. This is just after the concert ends and I want to see the emotion. Remember, you two were a mismatched couple with chemistry. “

   I nodded. “Got it.”

  The director marched back to the camera and signalled me to start. I turned on my heel and strolled to the door at a relaxed pace. Just when I opened the door, Matty grabbed my free hand and pulled me towards him. His dark brown eyes were intense as he held me under his gaze. I did my best to match his intensity and tried not to be surprised when he started leaning closer to me. Just when I felt his breath on my mouth, the director shouted for us to stop.

  “Wonderful! I really felt the energy between you two! Now, I need the two of you to dance. This is a flashback scene, back to when things between the two of you were better.”

  “Then we need some music,” Matty said.

  “MUSIC!” the director yelled.

  “The Sound” blasted through the speakers and Matty grabbed my hand, spinning me around, making me laugh in surprise. At one point, he picked me up and spun me around in his arms, forcing me to wrap my arms around his neck for stability. We filmed that scene about ten times with different dance moves each time. At the end of the takes, my heart seemed to beat louder and harder after the last. Why did musicians have to be so charming and funny?    Be professional, Y/L/N , I thought to myself.

  Finally, the director was satisfied with our dancing and called for the cut when Matty pulled me extremely close. I could smell his expensive cologne wafting from him. It was hypnotic. 

   I blinked and pulled away. “Um, good work today.”

  “Yeah, you too. I see what Adam was goin’ on about,” Matty muttered.

  “C’mon, Y/N, you have to get back to LA to finish some scenes!” Anthony barked from the stylist area.

  “Coming!” I called.

  “You’re leaving so soon?” Matty asked.

  “Yeah, I have to finish a movie that’s coming out next year.”   “Oh, because, I was hoping that you wouldn’t mind me showing you around the city and maybe getting dinner afterwards.”

  “Are you asking me on a date?”

  “If you want to call it that.”

  “I thought you weren’t going to fall in love with me today?”   “Who said anything about falling in love? I just like you a lot and would like to show you the better parts of London.”

   “Give me your phone?”

    Matty handed it over to me and I typed in my number.

   “I don’t leave until the day after tomorrow so you should call me so we can make better arrangements.”

  “Alright.”

  “Alright.”

  I walked away from him with the biggest grin on my face. Now, I finally understood why so many actresses and models in music videos wound up dating the lead musician: they’re kind of irresistible.

[restorerjourney]

Week 4 of 7

July 26, 2021

This week we felt the Lord saying to “tie our shoelace” while we rest and to run when we restart ministry. So as we rested until Tuesday, it was good because we didn’t have to face the crazy heat but for me it was still difficult. I felt trapped because we were restricted to stay in the base which is a 6 story hotel and during the day, if I wanted to be in an a/c area I would have to go to a public place with no privacy. I can’t go out to get a latte or snack out at the beach because the rule for outreach was that we only get one free day. It might sound ridiculous to some people which the old me would have agreed and complained about, but I believe God revealed how much I depended on my free and control to satiate moments of weakness and tiredness with material things and freedom and not with God. Learning to submit to authorities and surrendering that God’s way is better was another conviction that I had. I often found myself thinking my ways are better than others and God’s which can easily lead me into a place of complaining and lack of gratitude. We are in such spiritual warfare here that I honestly feel that I have no time or space to even allow the enemy to take a grasp of this, so I gave it up to the Lord. Monday and Tuesday although we were resting, we were also preparing for street evangelism which God highlighted as we prayed to focus on children’s ministry. Also almost every night we try to debrief/time of intercession to keep our team’s unity healthy. I’ve been seeing one by one as each of my team members struggle and experience breakthrough as they share and we do intercession prayer. It’s hard work I’m not going to lie and sometimes I don’t feel like doing this, but every time it’s been liberating. It brings us so much joy as we see our team member experience breakthrough the enemy’s strongholds. I can see how God is moving in our team members in such a different and powerful way that could only come from outreach. During our lecture phase in Kona, there is a sense of comfort but here in outreach when a lot of the things that we use to pacify or distract us from these strongholds are no longer accessible..these strongholds become so much more noticeable because we get more easily irritable and sensitive lol. 

Wednesday was our first day of actually going out and doing ministry and man the enemy attacked HARD. Our base has limited rooms and a room that our team found to do intercessory prayer before going out, the a/c all of sudden stopped working..O,.M..G...that humidity and heat was horrible but we tried our best to not focus on the sweat that we literally trickling from our head to toes and prepare our hearts for ministry. Today was going to bible ministry and as we were in a van, the a/c was not working well too! And what was worse, a car hit behind us and we had to stop and wait an hour in this horrible heat and humidity. We all never this amount of heat and humidity before and our energy was quickly being drained as we were stuck in a hot van. Then the Lord spoke to me so powerfully. During our time of intercession that morning, one of our team members shared us the bible story of the samaritan woman at the well and how Jesus led his disciples out of the way to go through Samaria because He had a plan to encounter this woman despite the dreaded heat. I felt convicted that the immense heat and humidity was just a taste of what Jesus did for me, I was that Samaritan woman. It wasn’t an easy trial but it did give me joy to go through the bible distribution ministry. I believe the enemy attacked us so hard that day because we were distributing bibles to a more wealthy closed off neighborhood that we had access only for that day. The rest of the week we found out we were only able to do bible distributions because of the severity of COVID cases here in Mazatlan. Out of all of Mexico, Mazatlan is a category red zone because it is a pretty touristy spot with lax rules. I am seeing that despite us not able to directly preach the gospel, God opened my eyes to see that through bible distributions, we were directly given them the word of God and that there have been people who have been saved just by reading it...it made me realize God was working through us despite what we think ministry should look like. 

Thursday morning we found out we were supposed to go to Stone Island ministry but all of a sudden it got canceled because of the pandemic. The leader, Eric, felt led to use this time to intercede and pray for the people of Stone Island. It was so difficult...because I felt the drive of the prayer was slowly deflating as we had to wait for the translators to translate it from Spanish to English to Korean. It was ROUGH. Then we felt we had breakthrough by the Holy Spirit as we kept pressing in and one of the people felt led to pray for the leader, Eric. The Holy Spirit broke out and Eric was shaking uncontrollable while standing and was just in tears. Being led by the Holy Spirit, we spoke life and declared God’s truth over Eric and led Eric to break off any agreements and lies of the enemy. Eric was forever changed and God spoke again so clearly that He cares about His leaders...that He is not a God that focuses on us working to death in ministry..He cares about the precious and sacrificial hearts of the leaders. This is the loving and gracious heart of our loving Father. 

Friday we had an amazing time of worship where we sang a song in 4 different languages, Spanish, English, Korean, and Portuguese! It was just so cool to see that our God is beyond our church bubble and that He speaks to all nations! Another highlight of this day was that my leaders allowed me to have dinner with one girl that I befriended here at the base. Her name is Flo and she is from London. We just instantly connected and it was so nice to have the freedom to walk on the beach and grab ice cream with her. We shared our stories and prayed for each other. It was amazing to experience how God spoke through each of us through each other in things that we didn’t even shared about. 

Saturday we went to the mall for the first time! The mall was surprisingly strict and they didn't allow any kids and every store would enforce temperature checks, masks, and putting on hand sanitizer. I think I let out my pent up frustration through shopping and had to repent and return a lot of the things I didn’t need haha. Overall it was just nice to walk around. I was able to catch up with some friends back at home who wished me an early bday which I am so thankful for. I’m so thankful to have friends who make the effort to walk with me through this journey despite the distance. 

Sunday is my birthday hehe! The big 33. The day Jesus died on the cross. It makes me look back at my life and wonder what I did...did it glorify God?...what did I prioritize?..in the end I just was so thankful for the past year how God has intervened in my life so powerfully. I am a believer that God will move in your life, even disrupt it... to save you from a path of destruction and to bring you to His freedom and life. Freedom and restoration is my inheritance. It’s the best gift from God that I could ask for. Now do I forget this everyday? YES! But our weakness makes us constantly remember that we need Jesus. I got to talk to my parents today, valentine sang me song...i think....I got to eat korean food twice by two unexpected people ( Imjae, and an IK pastor)...I got prayed over by IK ( International Korean) DTS students...we also got to go to one the restaurants that I’ve been wanting to go to, which is called “El Faro”. There you get this amazing view of the lighthouse which allows you to see this amazing view of the city. I felt so lucky. We ate amazing food, I got to have some of the friends I made at Stone Island join, they bought my favorite cake, and we took a lot of pictures. My team members gave me bracelets and earrings from Mazatlan and compiled video recordings to make a beautiful video card for me. It was so sweet (because for some of yall know.. I am a girl who is a sucker for words of affirmations). 

Right now it’s way past my bedtime and I’m sitting outside not to wake up my roomies but I want to use this time to update you guys and thank you for reading this.

Prayer requests

1) Team unity: One of our team member is really struggling and being spiritually attacked. Literally we have come so far in unity that we all felt it days before he told us. Please pray that he would choose Jesus and that God’s will be done with him and our team because His ways are better. Please pray for spiritual protection over our team, especially our leaders.

2) Street Evangelism: There has been a lot of restriction with the ministries here except street evangelism and bible distribution. Please pray that God’s will and promises would be revealed as we walk in faith to where God leads us, even if it doesn’t make sense.

Gracias! Buenos Noches mi amigos and amigas!

-Alicia

[peterjjain]

Man Utd 1 Inter Milan 0 match highlights and reaction videos | Manchester United

Manchester united inter milan highlights - Highlights - AC Milan Manchester United (Agg ) | BT Sport

It's brilliant to have him back and, like I said, the most important thing was the result and getting through to the next round. AC Milan are obviously a top side and we knew it would be hard coming here.

The manchester united inter milan highlights wasn't in our favour. It should be absolutely no surprise to see Paul Pogba come out top of our United player ratings from that AC Milan game. Read them manchester united inter milan highlights full here. Late late pressure from Milan, as Shaw was booked and a free-kick was sent into the area. A vital touch from Lindelof helped them defend that one. The whistle then goes for full-time and what a victory that is! Fred with a vital clearance from inside the box as Henderson then flies off his line highlightss smother Let's not forget United were up at this stage of the first leg at Old Trafford, though admittedly after a very different performance.

This time they're the team creating chances, as Fernandes' shot mulan deflected away for a corner. More time will manchester united inter milan highlights down. Wan-Bissaka untied a good cross into the box after James' dart forward, but it's held and Milan ping mancester ball around on the counter-attack.

McTominay slides in to intercept crucially. United have done brilliant defensive work in this second manchester united inter milan highlights, since taking the lead. Fred is down with a knock. It's interesting that Solskjaer has still only made one substitution. No Matic, Van de Beek Fernandes should have passed to Daniel James there. United had space to play into on the coutner-attack but the Portuguese checks back as the zebra-shirted players try to mwnchester the clock down.

Pogba is sometimes playing as a false nine, sometimes dropping back to help out the back four. He then manchester united inter milan highlights down after taking a blow, as Shaw heads United away.

Unite tried his luck from about 35 yards out with that free-kick, but it wasn't ever going to trouble Donnarumma.

Shaw and Manxhester then get back well to stop the Milan manchster. United have to be careful not to bring pressure on themselves. Dalot is booked for a trip on Pogba. Great manchester united inter milan highlights from the Frenchman through midfield. That's a very big save from Henderson, with it looking odds-on that Ibrahimovic would nod that home in trademark fashion. United coming under a little more pressure at the moment, though Fred does well to bring them out and keep Kessie at bay.

United work a good opportunity for James down the right but Tomori sees him out. Henderson then saves well from Ibrahimovic's click for more. James shows Theo Hernandez a clean pair of heels before the full-back gets back at jighlights. Another good battle going on over on that United right. You would nilan United are comfortable-ish as manchester united inter milan highlights stand. One more goal would surely give them the tie.

There's some talk on commentary of a VAR check on a possible Lindelof handball when he made that block. No such check seems to have happened and there certainly won't be a penalty. You would expect Ibrahimovic to have some sort of manchesteer for Milan, given his ability manchester united inter milan highlights perform on the biggest stage. A lot of the United individuals are performing better in this second half than they did before the interval. The free-kick was nodded out for a United corner, which was then swung in from the right by Shaw's left-foot onto Maguire's head.

The United captain is penalised for a ibter. His physical battle with Kjaer has been good to watch. Milan aren't done. But they are being hlghlights in possession, though it's Fernandes then who misplaces a pass aimed at Fred when United were presented with space. By Samuel Luckhurst. Dominic Booth. Tyrone Marshall. Video Loading Video Unavailable.

Click to play Tap to play. The video will auto-play soon 8 Cancel Play now. Signing off That's all for tonight's live blog. Recap a huge victory by scrolling down. Turning the tables on Milan They're getting the edge over them. Solskjaer on Pogba and see this win Mannchester is what Solskjaer made of the game, speaking to BT Sport: "We've come through a very difficult tie against a fantastic club, very good team, and we've overcome some difficulties definitely.

Manchester United vs AC Milan Highlights

Lindelof's starring manchester united inter milan highlights The centre-back was excellent. United player ratings It should be absolutely no surprise to see Paul Pogba come out top of our United player ratings from that AC Milan game. Nervy Fred with a vital clearance from inside the box as Henderson then flies off his line to smother Stoppage manchester united inter milan highlights We're now into added time, five minutes of it to be precise.

How are those finger-nails, United supporters? Fernandes shot Let's not visit their website United were up at this stage of the first leg at Old Trafford, though admittedly after a very different performance. They were dropping deeper and deeper then until the goal came from Kjaer. Game management United wanted a foul for Pogba and then they get one manchester united inter milan highlights a trip on James by Kessie.

They're managing the game fairly well as things stand. Unsubscribe at any time in your browser settings. You previously blocked notifications from manutd. Update your browser preferences to start receiving news alerts. Manchester United edged a tough pre-season contest against Inter Milan on Saturday, to make it three wins from three games on Tour How to watch United v Tottenham Hotspur live. Please choose your settings for this site below.

You can allow or deny non essential cookies.

Inter Milan vs. Manchester United: Live Score, Highlights for Pre-Season Match

You can change your settings at any time by returning to this site and accessing inetr Cookie Settings link. For more information please read our Cookie Policy. Would you like to subscribe to breaking news notifications? Manchester united inter milan highlights Subscribe Now. Update your settings You previously blocked notifications from manutd.

Find out more. Skip to Main Navigation Skip to content. United 1 Inter 0: Match highlights and reaction videos.

[rairun]

It's been over a year since I came out as bisexual, and it's been so interesting to catch myself recasting old stories and adjusting my understanding of my formative experiences based on the fact that I am queer. Sometimes it feels almost too neat, and I worry that I'm deliberately making connections that maybe I shouldn't be making - maybe my history is more fragmented, maybe it should read less like a narrative and more like a disparate collection of incidents. But then again that's what being human is always like. We tell stories. We try to make sense of things. This is what we do.

Coming out as bi has been important to me for two reasons - first because "straight" hasn't been a good description for my feelings since at least my early twenties. I was tired of defaulting to straight simply because it was the default; I was tired of questioning whether I was gay enough, of worrying I would become an appropriative asshole if I identified as bi (as bi people are wont to do). The other reason coming out has been important to me was that it made me feel welcome under the queer umbrella, and suddenly so many queer things about myself found themselves a home.

Last night I found an "It gets better" video that I watched seven years ago. As of November 2017, it only has 600~ views, but it is by far the one that touched me the most. I was twenty-six at the time. I hadn't been bullied in what, nine years? And I had survived. Things were better in many ways. But I still felt so fundamentally alone. I knew like-minded people existed - I'd met a couple who had changed my life -  but by my mid-twenties they seemed like such a miracle, and so impossibly rare. I didn't think of myself as queer at the time, but Alicia's words - and her soft-spokenness, and her gentle-yet-resilient tone -  made me feel like she was speaking to me.

And yet she was not. Because I wasn't queer, or I didn't know I was queer. I didn't resent being excluded from the club because I'd never stopped to consider I might belong there. When I watched Alicia's video, I cried because I felt those people were my brother and sisters, and I wished them happiness and a place in the world, even if their place was not my place (it was, but I didn't know that). I felt left behind like all the queer people who never got the chance to see things get better.

Now, when I look back on my experiences as a teenager, it all seems so clear: they did all those things to me because I was queer. That's the simple truth of the matter. Saying this feels like fitting the last piece of a puzzle. It gives name to a reality I understood but had no way of expressing without taking my time to describe each individual piece and its relationship with the others. Now I take a step back and suddenly the whole picture emerges.

What makes me wonder if I'm being simplistic is that I know they didn't do those things to me because I was bi. They didn't know I was bi. As a teen, I didn't know I was bi either. And I didn't look or sound gay enough for them to seriously think I was the Portuguese equivalent of a "fag".

Their go-to insult was "nerd", among other similar words. But I was clearly not singled out for my interests - half the kids who harassed me daily were Magic: the Gathering-playing nerds. They also used some really ableist language (because I have a minor chest deformity), enough to have left me with a wonky body image probably forever; but objectively, my chest didn't make me disabled, and I doubt they'd have picked up on it if I weren't a target for other reasons.

The types of abuse weren’t always the same (insults, physical violence, sexual harassment at least once, abusive “friendships” where I was always deliberately reminded of my lower standing), and it wasn’t always possible to draw a straight line between them and my queerness. But it was very clear I was a target because I didn’t take part in the whole business of growing up as a cishet guy.

I remember liking another "it gets better video" in 2010 - I think it was Hal Duncan's. At some point he says, "You only have to walk past a group of people laughing to tense, to shrink into yourself in shame and fear, because they've ground you down to the point where you associate the very sound of human joy with your humiliation." And this is such an accurate description of my own experiences that together with everything else, it's very hard not to conclude that I was a target because I was queer.

Queer. Again, not bi. They didn't know I was bi. It all came down to me not doing sexuality as a straight boy should - they just didn't have a name for it. I remember some of the other "nerds" were given a hard time too, and they mostly wished they were popular. Many had a proto-MRA mentality that made them feel wronged because girls wouldn't give them a chance. I just wanted to be allowed not to want any of that in peace, and it seemed like I was the only person who felt this way.

I could talk about some of this in terms of genderqueerness too. I don't overtly identify as non-binary, and masculine pronouns are generally OK by me, but I won't say you are wrong if you think of me as non-binary. I guess gender could give me a "legitimate" outlet to think of myself as queer too. But if I were to be even more specific, I'd say a lot of my early experiences fall under the aro/ace categories; a lot of my struggles had to do not exactly with shunning intimacy, but with being very uncomfortable with the ways our society structures sexual and romantic relationships.

The other day I felt a bit disheartened by all the derisive comments on the "Is There Something Queer About Being Single?" article in the NYT. I mean - no, of course simply being single doesn't make anyone queer. The derisiveness got to me though, and trust me, I can relate to the fear of queerness becoming meaningless if everything is considered queer - we'd lose the word and the unity it brings, but the world would still uphold all its discriminatory structures. But you know, maybe there is something queer about eschewing traditional couplehood, or even couplehood altogether. Maybe there is something queer and disruptive not only in wanting sex with the "wrong" people, but also in wanting it differently. Maybe there is something queer about searching for a different way to love and live.

I'm bi. Despite all the biphobia that still exists, I'm "allowed" to be here.

But what if I were not?

I think people can be too quick to bring up the cases that are most easily dismissed - so is this straight white dude queer now because he likes to be choked in bed? Is that guy over there really supposed to be queer because he has sex with a different woman every day and calls himself poly? And they forget that there are so many kids and adults out there with much more complicated histories, who have struggled with their sense of identity and their place in the world for so long, and still haven't found it. If someone hears the word "queer" and it stirs something up inside them that they can't even explain, if it speaks to them like nothing else has, are we supposed to act as gatekeepers and tell them no?

Are we really supposed to turn them away because a couple of assholes think being queer is a fashion accessory? And who is to say who is who? Until very recently, I was one of those people who felt lost and alone and like they didn’t belong anywhere. I spent all of my twenties in that place, and maybe things could have been different. Maybe they can be different for others still.

[xtruss]

Exposé: Who are the Board of Deputies of British Jews?

— by Koser Saeed, Spotlight, Journalist, Researcher, Editor, Spotlight Newspaper

The video you’re watching in this post is from August 2018 and it’s of Marie Sarah van der Zyl, the current and 48th President of the Board of Deputies of British Jews. She’s being interviewed by i24News – a right wing Israeli news channel. In the interview, Van der Zyl claims, repeatedly, that Jeremy Corbyn had been “spending more and more time with terrorist and extremists” and “with people who threaten the security of Britain”. She seconded one of the presenter’s outbursts that supporters of Jeremy Corbyn are “a cult” and said that “Jeremy Corbyn had declared war on the Jews at home”. According to Van der Zyl, Jeremy Corbyn’s “hatred of Israel and Zionism runs so deep” and “he cannot separate that from anti-Semitism”. In other words, in her opinion, anyone who has an issue with Israel or Zionism ‘is’ an anti-Semite. When asked if Theresa May had spoken out, Van der Zyl immediately sang the praises of the Tory party, claiming that “The Tories have always shown themselves to be friends to the Jewish community”, despite the fact that the Tories have a far worse record with anti-Semitism and Islamophobia than Labour.

This interview threw up a lot of questions for me… Who are the Board of Deputies of British Jews, who do they really represent and what are their objectives? I decided I’d try and find some answers to these questions and found myself going on a bit of a surprising journey through history and stumbling across some shocking revelations that I’d now like to share.

The Board of Deputies (BoD) are self-appointed representatives of all British Jews. Established in London in 1760, the first deputies appointed to the board were from the Sephardi congregation of Spanish and Portuguese Jews. The Ashkenazi Jewish congregation appointed their own “Secret Committee for Public Affairs” shortly after. The two groups met frequently and by the 1810s they amalgamated into ‘the London Committee of Deputies of British Jews.’

The BoD are affiliated to the World Jewish Congress (WJC). Part of the WJC’s mission statement is “countering anti-Semitism and the de-legitimization of Israel; and continually supporting the State and People of Israel in their struggle to live in peace with their neighbours”. They are also affiliated to the European Jewish Congress (EJC). Amongst the objectives of the EJC’s primary is the mission “to promote a balanced European policy towards Israel and the Middle East, and to assist in the construction of a healthy dialogue between Europeans and Israelis”. Another objective of the EJC is to prevent “nuclear terrorism”.

One of the first Presidents of the BoD was Joseph Salvador (1766 & 1778), who has been referred to as the only Jew to serve as a director of the British East India Company. Although it’s not proven Salvador was a director, he did invest a lot of money in East India Company stocks and was active in Company politics in the 1760s.

A notable early President of the BoD was Sir Moses Montefiore (1835–1838) who was a financier, banker, activist, philanthropist and the Sheriff of London. In 1860, Montefiore founded Mishkenot Sha’ananim, the first Jewish settlement to be built in Palestine, outside the walls of the Old City of Jerusalem and prior to the establishment of the State of Israel. In fact, the Montefiore family were diplomats and bankers across Europe and appear to have held the presidency of the BoD for most of the 19th Century.

Another prominent President of the BoD was Sir Stuart Montagu Samuel (1917–1922), 1st Baronet (24 October 1856 – 13 May 1926), who was a British banker and the Liberal MP for Whitechapel between 1900 and 1916.

Lord Rothschild (Lionel Walter), 2nd Baron Rothschild, a British banker, politician, zoologist and member of the Rothschild family was president of the BoD between 1925 and 1926. Rothschild was a prominent Zionist leader and it was Rothschild who received a letter, issued by the British government in 1917, announcing its support for the establishment of a “national home for the Jewish people” in Palestine. This statement is better known as the Balfour Declaration and was passed to Rothschild for transmission to the Zionist Federation of Great Britain and Ireland.

So, a cursory glance at past presidents of the BoD reveals a long line of Zionists, quite a few financiers and a healthy crop of Liberal, Conservative and Labour MPs.

As explained, the current and 48th President of the Board of Deputies of British Jews is Marie Sarah van der Zyl, a lawyer specialising in employment law. As a claim to fame, back in 2012, Van der Zyl defended Stringfellows nightclub by arguing that the claimant, a lap dancer, was self-employed. Van der Zyl once boasted “the only difference between me and a Rottweiler is that a Rottweiler eventually lets go”. Marie Sarah van der Zyl announced her bid for presidency of the Board of Deputies in March 2018. He campaign was focused around tackling anti-Semitism in the Labour Party, taking on Jeremy Corbyn and protecting Jewish rights – specifically the right to circumcise male children and slaughtering animals in accordance with Kosher traditions. In an article in the Jewish News at the time, van der Zyl exclaimed that British Jewry was “at a critical point” and pledged to “defend Israel’s legitimacy and its centrality to Jewish identity”

President of the Board of Deputies of British Jews, Marie van der Zyl protesting at Chris Williamson's right to speak in Brighton

Simon Rocker did an piece on Marie van der Zyl in the Jewish Chronicle back in May 2018. In the article, van der Zyl explains how her grandfather, who came to the UK on the Kindertransport, made Aliyah (‘moved to the land of Israel’) in 1969 and how this gave her a “great passion for Israel”. Later in the article, in response to Donald Trump’s decision to move the US embassy to Jerusalem, she remarked how she believes it is “Israel’s right” to choose its own capital. It’s worth noting that the Board of Deputies offices share the same address as the United Jewish Israel Appeal (1 Torriano Mews, London NW5 2RZ).

Later that year, in an article in the Jerusalem post in December 2018, Van der Zyl said that she believes that the Board of Deputies exists “to promote a sympathetic understanding of Israel”. The journalist interviewing her, Josh Dell, wanted to ask Van der Zyl about a recent demonstration by Charedi Jews who decided to protest outside the Board’s annual dinner and affirm that the “BoD do not represent 50,000 Charedi Jews” in this country. Dell remarked, after his interview with Van der Zyl, that he was “left acutely aware of just how difficult it is to attempt to represent all sections of a Jewish community, even one as relatively small as the 290,000 in Britain”. He goes on to cite a poll undertaken in 2015 by City University London (commissioned by Yachad), that found that 68% of British Jews felt a “sense of despair” every time settlement expansion in Israel was announced. The BoD have come under severe criticism from Yachad more than once. In 2018, Yachad presented a letter signed by over 500 British Jews criticising the BoD for “deeply misrepresented” their views when the BoD criticised Hamas for “repeated violent attempts at mass invasion” while completely failing to call for Israeli restraint or acknowledging that the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) acted disproportionately in killing scores of Palestinians. The ‘Liberal Judaism’ movement (formerly known as the Union of Liberal and Progressive Synagogues and who, as of 2010, became the fourth largest Jewish religious group in Britain), also said “the Board’s credibility as the voice of British Jewry depends wholly on its willingness to listen to, hear from and reflect the values of all sections of the community”.

In a response to the BoD’s recent demands that the Labour leadership candidates must agree to sign up to their 10 ‘pledges’, Jewish Voice for Labour (JVL) have responded by advising the candidates that the BoD have no right to claim to speak for the British “Jewish Community”, especially given that Charedi Jews (approx 20% of the British Jewish population) do not recognise their authority. They also point out that they can’t claim to represent the 50% of all British Jews who happen to be secular either.

JVL have publicly rejected the BoD’s 10 demands, explaining that they severely undermine justice and the disciplinary and legal process for anyone accused of anti-Semitism. They point out the demand calling for “prominent” offenders to never to be readmitted into the party was “political vengefulness” and a ploy to claim important scalps, after all “how can it be just or appropriate to specify different penalties for people depending on how well known they are or have become?”. JVL also explain the BoD’s demand that they be given access to details of ongoing disciplinary cases undermines confidentiality and is particularly unacceptable, especially as allegations do not establish guilt and they point out that this would also contravene data protection laws.

JVL also rejected the BoDs demand that Labour outsource their disciplinary process to an independent provider, explaining that this would effectively mean handing over control of who is/isn’t entitled to be a member of the Labour party to an external body, which would completely strip the Labour of its autonomy and effectively neutralise Labour as a political party.

In Nov 2018, Van der Zyl wrote an article in the Jewish Chronicle in which she praised Louise Elllman, Ruth Smeeth, Luciana Berger, John Mann, Ian Austin and Margaret Hodge as “Labour heroes”. She also criticised the paper for allowing “a comment piece on Cable Street from Jeremy Corbyn” and boasted that the BoD have shown, with the ‘Enough is Enough’ demonstration and the ‘vigil for Pittsburgh’, that they have the power to “turn out.. hundreds or thousands with just 24 hours’ notice” and that they can “keep this issue of antisemitism on the front pages day after day, week after week, exacting a severe political and reputational cost for continued failure” until Labour are prepared to repent and change.

However, there are clearly a number of Jewish communities and Jewish organisations in Britain who do ‘not’ wish to be represented by the BoD and statistically speaking, the figures seem to suggest that this would be a significant majority of British Jews. Jewish Voice for Labour explain that a potential 70% of British Jews do not feel represented by the BoD which makes the BoD’s demand that any engagement with the “Jewish community” must be through “main representative groups” impossible! In fact, neither the BoD nor the Jewish Labour Movement (JLM), both highly vocal groups who do not support Labour and who have repeatedly maligned the Labour Party, could claim themselves to be “main representative groups”.

I should also mention that the chief executive of the Board of Deputies is Gillian Merron, the former Labour MP for Lincoln (1997 to 2010) who held a number of prominent positions in the Blair/Brown governments, such as Lord Commissioner of the Treasury, Under-Secretary of State for Transport, Secretary to the Cabinet Office, Minister for the East Midlands, Under-Secretary of State for International Development, Under-Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs and Minister of State for Public Health). Merron was one of 98 MPs named in the June 2009 MPs expense claims exposé, having claimed £929,339 in expenses over a 7yr period. Merron was appointed Chief Executive of the Board of Deputies of British Jews in July 2014 and was the external affairs officer on the board of Liberal Judaism, between July 2012 and May 2014.

Merron was also made Vice-President of the Jewish Leadership Council in Feb 2013 – an umbrella group for various Jewish community organizations, charities, Zionist and pro-Israel advocacy groups, who’s membership includes Lord (Michael) Levy, Sir Ronald Cohen, Lord Harry Woolf, Lord Stanley Fink, Sir Trevor Chinn CVO, Leo Noe and Lord Janner, as well as Conservative Party Treasurers Howard Leigh and Stanley Fink and the President of the Women’s International Zionist Organisation, Michele Vogel. Constituent members include the Zionist Federation of the Great Britain and Ireland and the Zionist Youth Council. The leadership have received a lot of criticism by other Jewish groups over the years as members appear to be self-appointed and unaccountable.

In December 2006, the Leadership Council and the Board of Deputies of British Jews joined forces and formed the ‘Fair Play Campaign Group’, in reality a pro-Israel advocacy organization that coordinates activity against anti-Israel boycotts and other anti-Zionist campaigns. In December 2009, the Council declared their support for a change in UK law that would prevent the issuing of arrest warrants against Israeli leaders without prior consent of the Attorney General (advocated by Lord Pannick QC) and in June 2011, the council and the Board of Deputies met with Foreign Secretary William Hague to “discuss developments in the Middle East” where they expressed their “concerns about a potential Palestinian Authority move at the UN for recognition of a Palestinian state”.

The BoD has had its fair share of controversy. In 2003, they reproduced an extract from a US State Department report claiming the Palestinian Relief and Development Fund (Interpal) was funding terrorist organisations but when Interpal threatened to sue for libel the BoD retracted and apologised.

In 2005, Ken Livingstone, compared a Jewish Evening Standard reporter, Oliver Finegold, to a concentration camp guard, the BoD filed a complaint to the Standards Board for England calling on Livingstone to apologise. Livingstone, who had a “25-year running battle” with the paper’s owners responded… “there is no law against ‘unnecessary insensitivity’ or even ‘offensiveness’ to journalists harassing you as you try to go home”. Needless to say, the complaint against Livingstone was unsuccessful.

In 2014, the BoD were criticised by some conservative Jewish communities for putting out a joint statement with the Muslim Council of Britain (MCB) calling for peace, following a particularly aggressive Israeli military operation in Gaza. Although the statement had 75% approval from the board in 2014, they had a significant back lash from 25% of their membership and by December 2015 the BoD had distanced itself from the MCB.

In 2018, the BoD were forced to suspend the deputy for Finchley United Synagogue, Roslyn Pine, for six years for referring to Muslims as “the vilest of animals” and Arabs as “so evil” and saying how she “detests the creed of Islam” and believes that killing Jews and “destroying Israel” is a fundamental pillar of Islam. Even more shocking was that Pine claimed that every deputy at BoD held similar views “otherwise what is their purpose there?”. Oddly enough, while the BoD took the view that Pine had brought the Board into disrepute there doesn’t appear to have been a statement from the BoD distancing themselves from her remarks. This suggests they were only concerned about the public’s perception of the BoD and it exposes a weakness in their ability, or even desire, to challenge Islamophobia from certain right wing Jewish groups that they represent.

When you have a BoD that fails acknowledge, let alone deal with the rampant Islamophobia and racism from its own members, fails to apologise unreservedly for disgusting Islamophobic comments from one of their own deputies, aggressively supports Zionism, fights BDS, tries to block the arrest of Israeli criminals and then arranges meetings with a British Foreign Secretary in order to demand he apply pressure on the UN to stop them recognising a Palestinian state, then you know you’re dealing with an unaccountable organisation, with its own racist agenda.

Incidentally, it was around the same time as the BoD ‘suspended’ Roslyn Pine, that the President of the BoD, Van der Zyl, went on the i24 Israeli news channel to slander Jeremy Corbyn and the Labour membership and claimed that that Corbyn was “a threat to world security”.

It also turns out that any dissent, even within the ranks of the BoD, is simply not tolerated. In September 2018, the BoD took a no confidence vote against the board’s Senior Vice-President, Dr Sheila Gewolb, simply for criticising Israel’s Nation State Law. The BoD claimed Gewolb had “breached the IHRA definition of antisemitism ‘in applying double standards’ to the country”. The Nation State law basically rules that only Jews have a right to national self-determination in Israel. Gewolb was censured because she said that Israel was wrong and that “all people should be valued and Israel’s Arab and other minority populations should be a treasured part of society.” I think most people might struggle to find another country with a “Nation State Law” that privileged one particular religious group over another so claiming a breach of the IHRA definition on the grounds that Gewolb didn’t criticise any other country for doing the same was odd, to say the least. Members of the BoD even called for her removal, saying her statement “inappropriately meddles in the democratic process of another sovereign nation”.

Any Labour candidate for leadership now needs to consider, very carefully, what they are saying to the 3.5 million British Muslims in this country, the 2/3rd of all British Jews who happen to be secular or follow the Charedi faith and who do not subscribe to the agenda of the Board of Deputies of British Jews, the Labour membership and British voters as a whole, if they agree to concede to the BoD’s demands and they need to consider the potential consequences that might result if they do.

JVL Introduction

Koser Saeed, Journalist, Researcher and Editor of Spotlight Newspaper turns her attention to the Board of Deputies of British Jews.

Drawing on an interview with the president of the BoD, Marie van der Zyl on the right wing Israeli news channel i24News, she raises a number of important questions about the politics of the BoD.

It is worth highlighting that Saeed cites van der Zyl as claiming in November 2018 that the Board can “keep this issue of antisemitism on the front pages day after day, week after week, exacting a severe political and reputational cost for continued failure” until Labour are prepared to repent and change. This article was originally published by Spotlight on Tue 21 Jan 2020.

— Dr. Norman Gary Finkelstein | JewishVoiceForLabour.Org.Uk