#but they asked me if i was ok with showing her stuff and i was like ahaha yeah ok
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o3o-lapd-o3o · 4 hours ago
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okay here's part 6! this literally was not meant to be as long as it is, but i got carried away while doing some archery research... and here we are.
hope you guys enjoy! part 7 will be uploaded tomorrow!
(p.s if you're an archer/know archery and i get stuff wrong please don't yell at me, google can only give me so much info hdshdshdh)
the post/thread that started this whole au
dinner scene: part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5
there's a masterlist now!
*athena had left not long after midday, but not before saying she’d see them all later at dinner*
*telemachus, odysseus & penelope are all together in the palace gardens*
*penelope is sitting on a bench, with odysseus also laying on it & his head in her lap as they watch telemachus practice using a bow and arrow* 
telemachus: *trying to aim for the centre of the target in front of him*
telemachus: *struggling but wants to show his parents what his training with athena is doing for him*
telemachus: *lets the bowstring go*
*the arrow flies through the air, but misses the centre of the target completely and hits the edge of the target*
telemachus: *drops the arm holding his bow to his side and sighs in disappointment*
penelope: *looks at her son and then looks down at odysseus*
odysseus: *looks up from his son to meet penelope’s eyes*
*both seem to have a conversation through their eyes*
odysseus: *smiles and nods at penelope*
odysseus: *gets up from penelope’s lap and walks over to telemachus*
penelope: *smiles while watching odysseus head over to their son*
odysseus: don’t be disappointed son, go ahead and nock another arrow
telemachus: *does as his father says*
odysseus: now draw and anchor, as you normally would
telemachus: *again does what odysseus asks*
odysseus: *looks at his son’s pose* ah i see some of the problem
odysseus: *gently takes hold of telemachus’ drawn back elbow* 
odysseus: ok your elbow needs to be a bit higher, and just straighten your back a little…
telemachus: *follows odysseus’ instructions*
odysseus: *stepping back so he’s not in the way* that's perfect! now breathe in as you would, but not to the point it hurts! 
odysseus: and then as you go to let the string go breathe out but not all the way, about only half way
telemachus: *breathes in as he aims for the centre of the target again*
telemachus: *steadily breathes out and releases the string*
*the arrow flies through the air again… and hits just slightly off the centre of of the target*
telemachus: *looks at the target in disbelief but in also joy*
odysseus: *cheers in happiness for his son* you did it!
penelope: *clapping and calling out to her son* well done telemachus! 
telemachus: *drops his bow and turns to his father*
telemachus: *gives odysseus a hug* thank you father!
odysseus: *hugging his son back* no need to thank me, i’m happy to be able to help teach you!
telemachus: *lets odysseus go while smiling*
odysseus: *looks down at telemachus’ bow then picks up it up and grabs an arrow*
odysseus: *nocks it with ease and shoots it in the blink of an eye*
*the arrow hits the dead centre of the target* 
odysseus: *turns and hands the bow back to telemachus*
odysseus: now, how about you keep practising? once you have this completely down i’ll teach you other things you can do with a bow
odysseus: *hand under his chin in thought* i’ll have to get an archer’s ring commissioned for you
telemachus: *stares at his father in shock at how easy he made that look* i didn't know you knew so much about archery- i mean…
telemachus: *thinks back to when odysseus shot an arrow through 12 axe heads*
penelope: *giggles to herself as she realises even their son doesn’t know about his father’s mastery & skill with a bow*
odysseus: *looks over at penelope, and then he understands just why she's giggling*
odysseus: *now looks at telemachus with an amused expression*
telemachus: *sees his father’s expression*
telemachus: *holds his hands (with the bow still in one of them) up hoping he hasn’t offended his father*
telemachus: not saying you didn’t know how to use one! 
telemachus: i thought you just knew the basics and that ‘trick’ you did to prove yourself, was originally just to impress mother?
telemachus: *puts his arms down and then looks down towards his father’s hands* besides, that ring you wear on your thumb is just a normal one like the other’s you wear isn’t it? 
telemachus: it certainly doesn’t look like any archer ring i've seen before at the markets…
odysseus: *laughs to himself and holds up his hand* oh this? you’re right it doesn’t look like an archer ring.
odysseus: *rubs his thumb along his index finger* that's because it isn’t a normal one
telemachus: *looks again at his father’s ring to see it now has a point to it like any standard archer ring*
telemachus: *looks up at odysseus’ face, then back down to his hand and then back up to his face again* 
telemachus: but- you- it- hOW?
odysseus: *rubs his thumb against his index finger again and the ring is back to looking like any standard ring* 
odysseus: *looks from telemachus to penelope* ask your mother, it was a gift from her
telemachus: *immediately swivels to face her*
penelope: well, as you’ve now found out…your father isn't one to let people know he’s a skilled archer, so i ‘commissioned’ an archer ring to be made for him that could hide as a normal ring when not needed. 
telemachus: wow! the jeweller who made this certainly is skilled then
penelope: *thinks back to asking athena if she could try to get hephaestus to make one*
penelope: yeah skilled indeed 
telemachus: *turns back to odysseus* so why didn’t you want people to know? about your skills as an archer i mean.
odysseus: sometimes it's best to not reveal all your strengths
odysseus: *grins while shrugging* keeping people guessing is also fun
odysseus: *walks to telemachus and ruffles his hair* anyway, back to practising! i’m going to head back over to your mother, but call me if you want me to assist with anything ok?
telemachus: ok!
*time passes as telemachus keeps on practising, odysseus is back to laying in penelope’s lap while she caresses his hair*
*odysseus wants to keep watching his son but is struggling to not fall asleep from penelope's motions*
*telemachus notices so decides to discuss some final dinner plans with his mother*
telemachus: so the cooks have everything they need for tonight, right? are you sure you don’t need me to quickly run down to the market for anything? 
penelope: *smiles reassuringly at telemachus* they do, and if on the off chance they don’t i'm sure one of them will go to the market themselves. no need to worry yourself my son.
telemachus: *nods while getting another arrow ready* 
telemachus: *starts pulling the string back when he has another thought*
telemachus: oh what about the seating plan? i should probably tell fathe-
penelope: *who knows about athena’s seating plan, and also knows that odysseus doesn’t (hey she wants to have some fun too ok?)*
penelope: *forgetting about her husband peacefully half-asleep in her lap*
penelope: *jumping up from the bench* NO-
telemachus: *not expecting his mother’s outburst*
telemachus: *lets the string go accidentally and also having lost his aim*
odysseus: *falls off penelope’s lap and the bench with a startled yelp*
*meanwhile the loose arrow now wizzes straight past the target, through the garden trees and over the palace cliffs, heading into what looks to be its final destination of…. the sea*
telemachus: *turns to face his parents* mother, are you ok? why did you yell no?
penelope: oh um… i’m sorry for shouting telemachus 
penelope: what i meant to say was, there's no need to spoil anything. we’ll keep it as a surprise!
telemachus: uh ok…
odysseus: *face down on the ground and groaning from the sudden series of events*
odysseus: *pushes himself up and looks at his wife*
odysseus: penelope why?
penelope: *laughs a little at odysseus’ rumpled state* 
penelope: *helps him up* 
penelope: i’m sorry my love *kisses him on the cheek*
odysseus: *smiles at the kiss and then brushes his clothing free of dust*
odysseus: what were you two talking about anyway?
telemachus: uhh-
penelope: -the final bits for dinner! speaking of which, we should all go and start getting ready!
penelope: *points at the sun starting to set* helios is not long from being done for the day, and i'm sure when selene takes to the skies, our dinner guests won't be long!
penelope: *starts to head inside* come along you two!
telemachus: *to odysseus* what about the archery equipment?
odysseus: *shrugs* we’ll deal with it later
*telemachus & odysseus follow penelope back into the palace*
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yellowssillysymphs · 22 days ago
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TPOT 14 big spoilers . Gonna talk about Gattwo stuff because who else will HAHA!
On how Two 's treatment of Gaty is not actually condusive of a healthy stable friendship in the slightest, and actually reflects poorly on themself as a person
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Two never once considers what GATY wants or how she feels. Clock had asked to stay and exhibited that he had things to atone for with Winner. Two kept Gaty around because they wanted to keep talking to her frequently.
The tpot elimination area is both (assuredly) safe from One AND more peaceful than cleaning up an endless pile of stuff all the time. At least with Clock, the cleaning was his way of earning his right to stay on set. Two never considered if she wants to be here like this. There was no scene like with Clock where Two was like: "hey I don't want to send you to the elimination area so instead you'll stay here" and instead its like "hey I did you this cool favour, which you neither expected nor asked for!" kind of shows their attitude towards Gaty.
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Maybe Two also assumes that Gaty would be okay with this because 'their friendship is worth the struggle' or something like that. But again they just assume that this is what she wants and also doesn't think about how eliminated contestants are literally going missing.
With how much Gaty listens to Two, they don't really listen to her. Even if she was completely fine and happy with the new situation, the fact that they don't think about the consequences of this will directly result in her being taken by One anyway.
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I love you Two "my-poor-decision-making-will-eventually-come-back to-haunt-me,-yet-I-will-learn-nothing-from-it-and-repeat-the-same-mistakes-over-and-over" Tpot
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vynnyal · 6 months ago
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Turns out Sunlit Trail isn't quite done just yet, so after all that they just send you to a dead end 😂
#rain world#comic#rw chasing wind#sunlit Trail#Hunter#Art#Chasing wind spoilers#I can't imagine anyone filters that tag but just in case sksksks#ANYWAYS turns out mod is way better than I expected and it's super well made.#So far made the trip as hunter (first time) then riv and now working on arti.#For arti I realized that howling rifts led to sub and sub led to dar shore so I was like sweet! A shortcut!#Now imagine for a sec trying to get through a parkcore + miros bird gauntlet with a corpse and a worm within 5 cycles#before the scav ran out of karma and you were stuck inside forever. Yeah#Besides that tho I've been messing around and been very tenderly modding the game.#Turns out you can have a bit of fun with most sprites without too much effort by simply cloning the MSC mod in your files#Then changing the copy's mod info so it doesn't clash and simply swapping images out for whatever you want#As long as you have the sprite name you can do this. You can also change region names and decals and music all sorts of stuff.#In short I've been brewing a custom mod for a friend to make her suffer as much as possible <3#Thanks to a buddy on the rw server for showing me that trick btw lol. The best cesspool I've ever participated in#Oh before I forget- the symbol on CW's head is completely made up. They just looked so... Bald.#Tbh I wasn't expecting their personality to be so... bright? Most interpretations make them kinda solemn and gloomy#But nah this CW is what NSH should've been 100%. I like them. Not gonna spoil too much but their situation is somehow so... chill.#Still bad tho!#Other fun news! There's a scammer going around on discord that's basically like ''bad news I reported you for fraud''#And they're getting a lot of people. My buddy that owned my home server got hit and we lost everything. It's all OK tho nobody was hurt#I keep trying to ask them questions on my alts but they're ignoring me... I kinda wanna bait them into doing the scam with me#to see how far I get before they catch on 😜#Wasting a scammer's time is never a waste of time#Ah I had more to say but I reached my tag max. Till next time- hopefully my animation project will be done by then!
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perilegs · 4 months ago
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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misspickman · 9 months ago
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My unpopular bg3 opinion is they tried way too hard to make some of these characters mean and flippant which is meant to make the player more interested in them and clearly this has worked on many (good for you !) but personally i could not care less. If 80% of what a character has to say to me is bitchy i will simply leave them at camp for most of the game
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rexscanonwife · 9 months ago
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Save me middle aged whiteman....whiteman save me
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triglycercule · 3 months ago
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guys i havent written since may (for killer's birthday) but stupid silly swapinverse has been on my mind for a little bit and i threw together this silly (he has a panic attack and throws up) little short draft 4 swapinverse horror!!
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“hah… ah… oh god… no, no, nonono…”
he ran. sprinted through the forest like a frightened deer, his demeanor that of prey, although his previous actions aligned more of a predator. panting and shaking, his mind cycled through countless variations of how to react to what just happened, what he just did.
how should he react? how could he react? it was impossible to tell for him in the panicked state. and as the trees in snowdin slowly began to surround him (but weren't they always doing that?), paranoia couldn't run anymore. he was surrounded, he was blocked off, he couldn't escape. not from horrortale, not from snowdin, not from the dusty graveyard he had just left it, and not from the blood smeared across his mouth.
“no, i- what did, what did i do? paps, snowdin, even-undick, no, it-”
paranoia’s incoherent rambles brought his hands to wander across his face, tugging at the massive hole in his skull spanning majority of the left side of his head. picking at the chipped bone didn't help, it never did, but a nervous habit was unbreakable, and he was more than nervous in this moment. in fact, quite terrified. everything was terrifying. he was terrifying. and as the slightest hint of red blood touched his sleeve, the once red, now magenta eye quickly locked onto it, and he couldn't hold it back anymore.
“fuck- oh god, no, aliza-!”
falling to his knees, a disgustingly gorey mess of red, pink, and black spilled from his mouth. sounds of retching and hurling were all that filled the empty forest, and paranoia couldn't bear to look down and see the mess he’d made. the mess he’s caused. wasted food, he would've said. but that statement normally only applied to others. he never imagined using it on himself. choking on his spit and certainly not his blood, tears fell from his eye, joining the vomit and blood seeping into the snow. strange. paranoia didn't think he had enough magic to even shed tears anymore. just for the bare necessities. he managed to surprise even himself, after all this time.
but could it be could be considered surprise, or rather terror? he fit up to his name, certainly horrified at his own actions. forcing out as much of the grossness he could that he’d just consumed, paranoia couldn't help but look down at what he’d done.
red. a lot of red. too much red. he’d never been queasy before, never. he had to adapt to it, being the one to hunt down humans that ran or sneak up on those when times got desperate. there was no time or need to be queasy at what he even considered his job before. a duty he had to do.
but now, there was too much red. far too much red. and he didn't know why, although he totally knew, but paranoia couldn't stomach it. he just threw his guts out (shouldn't they be aliza’s guts, or no?), and here he was, wanting to throw up until his SOUL shattered. his SOUL cycled through those strange 4 shapes, unsure of which to settle on. he couldn't blame it. paranoia himself was unsure of what was even going on anymore. he wanted to run, but was frozen. he wanted to scream, but didn't know who at.
everything was contradicting. everything was going on, and not enough was given for paranoia to understand how to deal with it. and with a muttered curse, he flopped on his side onto the somehow dry snow, losing consciousness in the haze of fear now intermingled with his SOUL.
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ik theres probably grammar mistakes i wrote this on my phone,,,, but like idk. had idea for a little moment in paranoia's lore and i sure as hell didn't wanna draw it so i wrote it as an easier media! god this is so much easier compared to drawing idk why i dont do this more often (because youre lazy silly!) anyways swapinverse silly i love swapinverse. i've only thrown up like never so i dont know if this works. also never had a panic attack (i think) and AGAIN i dont know if this is accurate but whatever i dont write to be good i write for expressing my ideas. like everything i do
#i might do another 4 savior and mania??? who knows#i feel like i cannot talk about the others in swapinverse unless i fully finish viceser and crash#and also thalia and melpomene are just too intertwined with multiverse lore that if#i make stuff about them it must be after i finish the swapinverse multiverse and lore and stuff#but mst are kinda seperated from that thing. none of the murder swap trio have anything to do with multiverse#so i can write about them just in their sole universes ans itll be ok#since ive already finished everything about them and their aus#aside from figuring out how theyll join the mv wifh the rest of the swapinverse fellas#i only had swapinverse on mind because i wanted to draw mst poly#i think thats the first time i've ever uttered that phrase. mstpoly. murder swap trio poly#damn...... i really should work on swapinverse more#this is ngl sooo not so ugh i feel like idk. could be cooler could be better#just that it feels kinda like word vomit. not really anything of substance#but ngl thats kinda just how i write sooo idk what i expected#i just get myself into the mindset and mind and write everything i think#my shitty form of method acting! 😇😇😇#guys i made a new friend are you proud of me. it wasn't in school tjo#it was in my art class. i feel like they dont use she/her but idk anything else so ill just stick to they from now#object show fan. also phighting whatever the fuck that is. like an alternate universe version of me#i really shouldnt say that when we've only been friends ish for 2 days. but like theyre kinda similar to me#i think? i dont know. ngl i havent even asked their name yet in case they have another they'd prefer#or pronouns or anything like that i just havent gotten a chance to do so#for some reason we talk like we've been friends for years which is really weird to me. is it just a them thing?#bc ive never spoken to someone like that so openly before its kinda weird ngl. i actually got to speak about my utmv interest which was coo#i think. idk they dont seem that interested which fair. but i sent a paragraph about the mtt and they said tldr and it made me feel ngl sad#because like.... idk..... i tried watching some of the object shows they recommended and they seemed to enjoy that#but then when i recommend underverse or talk about mtt they don't really match my enthusiasm.... which ok thats fair i dont mind that#but it does make me sad. whatever..... whatever ill deal with it. maybe ill keep watching some of these shows they recommended#so i can have something of interest that they like that i can bring up incase they get bored or me or something#tricule write
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silverislander · 1 year ago
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fully intended and foreseen consequence of coping better with my anxiety is that this blog will at some point inevitably become More Cringe and that point is SO close on the horizon. if you get mad at me for posting things i like on my blog that is for me you clearly have more issues than i do for worrying abt that possibility for hours on end
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#its tumblr were all cringe here. fucking grow up or leave genuinely#also i literally tag everything im into + trigger tags too. block tags or just unfollow me theres no hard feelings i prommy#anyway. ive been falling back into creepypasta which ive mentioned before i was super into as a teen! fun stuff#i love that the fandom is still alive and doing fun new stuff :') theres such good art out there!! and character interpretations!!!!#and ive also gotten really into league lore over the past few months actually. the arcane fixation has morphed#basically it went 'this character looks cool whats their deal. whats this region like. oh another neat character lets look into that'#and then suddenly i know too much™️ bc hyperfixations for me are about gathering information and stories like a raccoon#i have FEELINGS about it. post probably incoming soon abt that#and BRIAR!! shes a little gremlin i kind of love her already#levi.txt#will i delete this in the morning? lets see#but for real tho. im doing really good lately. things arent perfect but i feel like a person for once#i can talk to strangers without acting like a trapped prey animal! it turns out im fucking funny actually! people like my jokes#im SLEEPING again. regularly. that was an issue for nearly a year and im doing ok again (not perfect but hey! ~8hrs!!)#i can just. sit around in public now and not feel like im on a hidden camera show where everyone is judging the way i breathe#slowly switching from self deprecation 'i want to die' jokes to 'im literally gods favourite prince and the hottest bitch alive'#i still get really nervous but it doesnt feel like a personal flaw and it doesnt feel insurmountable anymore#so yeah naturally thats going to come with (hopefully) a lot less shame around things that i like#just asking kindly that people are normal abt it. this is me thriving i guess
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cyberbullyinc · 2 years ago
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😐
#ive been added to this gc for the 3rd or 4th time after i explicitly asked to NOT be added back bc im always fucking getting ignored like#last time the person who added me was like omg i hope this is ok and i was like no it’s actually not ok i dont wanna be added back please#dont add me back and she was like omg im so sorry i totally understand :( and she did it again 😑#the reason i didnt wanna be added back was bc i considered them my best friends at some point but ever since like the p*ndemic started#everything just went downhill and on one hand i understand they have their own lives and don’t have time to answer etc but on the other hand#they never had time to reply to MYYYYYY messages specifically 🙃 and it hurt bitch to be always the one ignored#and the reason i havent left this time like i just didnt care to be added back was bc idc anymore like alsjfjfk im still in contact to#whoever i wanna be in contact with i still text someone individually like i don’t need to be in a group setting to be friends with this#person and she’s mentioned a bunch of times how dead it is lmao so i was like wtv i do send a text once in a blue moon but it’s not as#active as it was when i originally left so it’s not obvious when im ignored lol BUT!!!!!!#the person who added me back…. the person who IGNORED my boundaries and request to leave me the fuck alone has ignored every single message#ive sent since she added me back :)#like she literally just wants public for her little show and she did this even before i left and was the main person why i left lmao bc the#rest were like going through stuff and i was like u cant be here i get it but she’s always ANYWAYS SO ABOUT ME!!!#i literally sent a text i think yesterday? and she didn’t reply to it at all but she just started talking about herself like 😑 WHY DID U ADD#ME BACK!!!! u dont ‘miss US’ lmfao u miss that i kept the gc alive which gave u attention !!!!#i dont want to be ur fucking spectator go post it on fb#anyways end of rant 😌
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phagodyke · 18 days ago
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was brave and talked to my doctor abt my period bs + she said it might be endometriosis without me even having to bring it up... 💀
#shes prescribed me naproxen & tranexamic acid for now bc theyre basically the only 2 painkiller options i havent tried yet#but shes said she'll text me some resources on endometriosis and asked me to book an appt in january to update her#and then she can either issue a repeat script or we can go down the route of trying to diagnose a condition#which would likely take a long time so id probably have to try hormonal meds again in the meantime but she was rly understanding abt#the fact id had negative experiences w them before so was apprehensive abt it. so nice to have a dr who actually cares instead of trying#to fob me off w over the counter meds which is what happened last time lol#she was like wow im surprised they told you to take codeine for cramps thats not smth id recommend due to the side effects 💀#like damn. well ive been doing it for the last few years and yeah its not great#augh.... its ok tho i feel better now im actively doing smth abt it and looking for a diagnosis is an option thats available#bc ik how rare it is for gps to take patients seriously. the average diagnosis time for endometriosis is 12 years in wales 💀💀#my mums had such a struggle with gynaecology in her part of the country too shes been waiting for an operation for almost a year#and they booked her in for it and everything and then when she showed up the doctor was like im so so sorry i dont have access to a clinic#and i wanted to cancel your appt bc obvs i cant carry out the surgery without a clinic but the practice refused to let me cancel it#she showed my mum emails shed sent to management begging them to let her cancel patients she wasnt able to treat bc its such a waste of#everyones time and resources and rly shitty to do but they told her to 'watch herself and think about meeting her targets' 💀#bc cancellations look bad on their records so they were forcing her to hold appts without treatment anyway lmfao#insane country how is the nhs still functioning.#anyway thats todays medical report ik how eagerly u guys have been waiting on my pussy update#didnt ask abt antidepressants bc didnt have time and anyway im handling it better now its just taken a while to adjust to the shorter days#and the cramp stuff is way more pressing bc i get them for a week or two before my period AND when i ovulate now#so im probably spending equal amts of time in pain than not in pain every month now 👍#actually makes me feel fucking insane when i start thinking about it. its fine tho. okay im gonna piss and then go out again to sort out#everything ive gotta do today and then i can just chill this afternoon#how is it only 10am.....#.diaries
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ame-to-ame · 3 months ago
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:|
#i am not gods strongest soldier#she'll talk to someone who will say stuff like you're useless to her and take it fine but. she won't even stand to be in the same room w me#what difference is it to be being in your room playing games with the same people all the time vs. like idk.#aren't you just transferring who you're dependent on. is the difference just the level of commitment. you feel like you can leave whenever#nothing's changed really somehow. you're still doing the same things you did while back then. just that you also avoid me.#and god i don't know. i tell myself I'll care less I'll get over it it is what it is and i try so hard to be busy and not think abt it#but i can't sleep w/o watching something these days or else it's on my mind and that's been shit for my sleep quality#it's the first thing that pops up in my mind when i wake up. i get distracted in class sometimes by it. it's not like i can control it#it's just like the more you try to not think abt sth the more it comes up type of deal.#and I'm trying so hard but i think this is legitimately. gonna make me spiral and I'm trying my best to have a grip and not go there#i have things I'm looking forward to and I'm supposed to b having fun but it's hard when. There's that looming in the back of your head.#ugh ok rational choice let's go. i don't try to talk to her: we don't talk. she doesn't try to talk to me. i suffer in silence.#maybe I'll get over it find something new that feels like a safehouse but that's a big if. and idk how long i can hold on for#i try to talk to her: maybe it could go well? but maybe she'll just get more avoidant#i don't really get it it's like she can respond and laugh to stuff i say when in a group setting but she gets so guarded when it's just me#like subconsciously you know I'm not a threat you can allow yourself to have fun around me.#but you're consciously putting a guard up around me and reinforcing the negative feelings when it's just me#god. i don't. but. at least it sounds like she's happy for now so. that's all i ask for. if she doesn't want to see me i don't show up#i want to see her but. i mean. There's really no compromise or middle ground here.#they say time heals everything but it's already been so long. i don't even know why I'm still attached. she's like a different person.#the person i loved appears every now and then just never in front of me and I'm trying my best but I've never been good with loss#how do you come to terms with something being dead and alive at the same time. how do you make up the mind to drive the nail in the casket.#i can't make myself put it into the dirt when i catch a glimpse of the person i once knew. that hasn't changed for anyone else. just me.#vent#delete later
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hangsawoman · 2 years ago
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and also like. the bunnies. my god, the bunnies. they’re everywhere and they’re all for jackie. the trinkets in her kitchen, the gift from jackie’s mother, actual bunnies nibbling on the plants in her garden. they’re everywhere and they’re always linked to food and eating and devouring. and she hates them so much and she loves them so much and she kills them and slits them open and eats them and eats them and they remind her of jackie and it’s the closest she can get to eating jackie again
something about jackie planning her life in a way that always included shauna and not realizing how those plans made shauna feel so unseen by her. something about shauna planning to get away and then after jackie's death staying rooted in the place that reminds her of jackie and with the people who will forever tie her to jackie and seeing her everywhere
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nohriantomatoes · 5 months ago
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Yea I'm vagueblogging but I blocked the person this is about
dear god I forgot how chronically online some people can be
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scentofpines · 5 months ago
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my brother visited us today and OH MY GOD AM I GLAD HE'S FINALLY GONE. i cant pinpoint exactly what it is about him but i find him so hard to deal with. he seems very "unproblematic" for lack of a better word and chill and nice etc. but he is also kind of a control freak (in a subtle way) and VERY patronizing and he always inquires (not asks lmao) how i am doing and i always dread this question bc he just won't let it be when i say i'm fine and always sorta wants me to pour my heart out to him?? And I. just dont want to??? Lol. Like today he asked again "how are you?" and I said I'm pretty good BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WAS OK I WAS FEELING WELL and then he was like "yeah? really?" in a very questioning voice ughhhhh. i fucking hate this, it also just feels kind of devalueing to my progress. like i'm having a fairly good time and then there's this dude basically reminding me that i'm supposed to be depressed bc i guess that's just my personality. this doubting thing he always does just pisses me off so bad.
and then later we were just completely casually chill chatting together with my mom and out of fucking nowhere he was like "so what about therapy for you?" and I thought i didn't hear him correctly and I was like????? What the hell are you talking about? And then he just kept saying that i should try therapy again and i was very confused bc it came so suddenly and also i am currently absolutely not planing on doing a therapy. i had my share of experiences with therapists and i'm just not up to it right now. but he was very pressuring like "it could really help you" etc. and kept saying all this shite as if i myself have actually NEVER thought about this. (he is like this very often, for example when my mom and i talk about how we are planning on moving to south west france in the future, he is always like "do you know how complicated it is to move to another country??? do you know how hard it is to take care of a farm???? do you know they speak french there????? do you have brains?" SHUT UUUUPPP) and the thing is when i push back then and voice my opinion of not wanting to do this or, like in the "how r u" situation, insist on being fucking FINE or even just saying or heavily implying that i do not want to talk about this stuff with him it ALWAYS makes me look like i have an even bigger problem because 1) i "lie" about how i'm doing 2) i don't open up about my feelings to anyone 3) i am an idiot that refuses therapy. HE ALWAYS MAKES IT LOOK LIKE THIS with the the way he speaks to me.
I know he means well but it just feels extremely annoying, nosy and infantilizing.
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lizardho · 7 days ago
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When I came out, I was SO scared I was gonna get disowned. I wrote a letter to my parents, sent it to their emails, put a physical copy on the counter, and left the house for a few hours to give them time. In that time I tried coffee for the first time, which was a dreadful idea, and got all jittery. I kept waiting for a text or something but nothing happened.
After a few hours, I didn’t hear back from them so I went home. My parents were home and had stacked a bunch of groceries on top of the letter without opening it. They said “hi” and I said “hi” and went down stairs to the basement. I held my dog and panicked about what to do. My sister, who knew that I had written them a letter of great importance, told me they hadn’t read it yet. She also told me she could ask them to do so. I consented to this and stayed in the basement. A few minutes later my dad knocked on the door and poked his soft smooth little nerd head in and said “hey buddy” and I started crying so hard I almost vomited. He came over and gave me a BIG hug and said that it was gonna be OK, he was OK with this, he knew it must have been hard but he was here for me. He told me he and my mom had already talked years before they had me about how if they had to pick between their faith and their child they’d pick their child. It was a very sweet moment. I came out to my mom later that evening and we were both bawling the whole time.
The day after I came out to my parents, I came out to my brother @inbabylontheywept at a Mexican restaurant and he took it like a champ. That evening my mom took me for a walk and looked almost angry - she said she wanted to make sure that I didn’t use being a woman as an excuse to not go to grad school. I told her I wouldn’t and she instantly looked relieved and happier.
My dad, on the other hand, seemed to struggle with it. He kept asking me if I had a boyfriend, and I told him I did not. He kept asking me if I wanted to go clothes shopping with him and I did not. He kept asking me if I would let him go to some of my shows, and I had NO idea what he was talking about.
Finally, 6 months after coming out, of awkward misgendering and questions that didn’t make sense from my dad, he excitedly pokes his soft smooth little nerd head into my bedroom again and says “I found a movie about Your People.” My people. I was absolutely bewildered, but he was so excited and I knew he had been trying SO hard so I watched it with him. It was The Birdcage, and it was amazing. It also was revelatory in that I finally realized why my initially-supportive father seemed to be having such a hard time with my pronouns and stuff - he didn’t know what the difference between trans and doing drag was. After the movie he again asked if I would invite him to one of my shows, and I said, “Hey dad, you know how about half the world is women?” And he said “yeah,” and I said “Well, see, I’m on that half now. I’m not doing drag.” And it was like a switch flipped in his brain. He was like “omg that’s so easy? I was so confused about what to call you when?”
Anyway, my parents are charming and my family has been so kind and patient with me, I like sharing the stories of my little wins with them.
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completely-zoned-out · 9 months ago
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Tomorrow will be my 3rd time flying! I'm so excited!! But also so so nervous, the thought of security absolutely freaks me out...
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