#but theres still that anxiety i dont want to spend another 3 months looking for another job lmao

[vxmpyree]

HELLO first if all I LOVE UR WRITING ... UR NIKTO FICS MAKE ME WANNA SCREAM INTO A PILLOW (/very pos)

ive never requested anything ever so im shy n gonna use anon teehee. ANYWAYS ik you said you write for pretty much anyone but i'm still gonna ask: do you write for keegan? if you do..... could i ask for a sick fic?🙏🙏 or any type of fluff rlly. with a male reader :3 (theres barely any for him 💔) THANK YOU FOR UR SERVICE IN THIS FANDOM BTW RAHHHH🫡🫡🫡💖💖‼️‼️‼️‼️

ofc!! i dont know much about cod ghosts so sorry for any errors. thisll be my first plot fic :)) ♡ not beta read,,

[im the devil - clams casino] [0.7k wc]

when keegan returns from deployment, he finds you ill, and not just with a bit of a sniffle and cough. no, he can hear how your lungs shudder with every breath and feel how your skin is hot to the touch.

being his husband isn’t an easy job. he’s always out for one reason or another. you’ll be at home watching a film together, only for his boss to call and say that they need his help. he’s too much of a workaholic and empath to say no, i’m busy. keegan is always worrying about you, always thinking about the slight pout of your lips when he comes out of his bedroom in uniform again. 

so, seeing you like this doesn’t do any good for his anxiety. 

“you’re burning up,” he mutters, pulling a thermometer out of your mouth. 

the curtains are drawn, letting in only traces of sunlight tinted by the lavender linen. more light would only give you a headache. 

he pulls off his gloves before reaching out to touch you, not wanting to touch you with the same cloth that clutches his rifle. his rough palms move to cup your cheeks, swollen from fever and sweat. you can hardly even keep your eyes open.

“did you eat today?”

he grumbles as you shake your head. you must’ve been too sick to get out of bed, only able to helplessly roll over and try to sleep through hunger pangs. at times like this, he wishes he hadn’t chosen an occupation of aiming sniper rifles and long months of waiting in bushes or on tall buildings. then, he’d be able to take care of you. 

“do you want to eat? we’ve got… hm… soup and crackers. or bread,” he presses.

you shake your head again. you don’t want to eat!

keegan sinks into the edge of the bed and furrows his brow, considering you. he has the air conditioner unit on for your feverish top half, and keeps the sheets over your shivering legs. he’s taken your temperature and wiped you down. he gave you some tylenol, which should’ve gone with a cold glass of water, but you gulped it down before he came back with something to drink.

something is missing. there’s more that he could do for you, but he just can’t put his finger on it. 

when he lifts his head to check on you, keegan finds that you’re already staring at him. he has to stifle a smile. you are what makes him feel at home-- your accepting stares, and the slight curl of your lips. it would’ve been impossible not to wish for something more when you’re so welcoming, so warm. 

you motion with one hand for him to come closer. for a moment, he wants to say no, that his face is still covered in grease and he’s clad in heavy armor. but what’s the use in saying no to a face like yours? before he can even start stripping himself of his gear first, he’s already slipping into the sheets.

there’s the low hum of the air conditioner unit and the occasional car rolling down your quiet street. everything seems so small when he’s here with you, tucked away from the world. all he can think of is the smell of your shampoo and the slow rise and fall of your chest.

"...did you just miss me?” he whispers.

you only smile and watch him silently, looking at the bump in his nose and cheeks starting to droop with age. he’s getting older and so are you. it feels like you two only just settled down. the years have slipped through his fingers like sand. maybe it’s time for him to retire. then, he could spend all the time with you in the world.

keegan leans closer to you, and wonders if he smells like gunpowder and sweat. but he waves his worries away in favor of gathering you in his arms. his palm rubs slow circles into your back, wrinkling your old t-shirt. 

you cough into his chest and furrow your fingers into the back of his heavy jacket. your hands claw helplessly like it’ll ameliorate the itch at the back of your throat or your heavy cough. if he could, he’d do away with this sick spell. he can do things most men can’t, from scaling towering buildings to gutting men, but he can’t fix his poor husband’s fever and runny nose.

he pats your back until you settle down, becoming jelly in his arms. 

will he be sick tomorrow? definitely, but he wouldn’t mind spending a day hidden away with his husband, even if the two of you can only lie in bed and kiss each other’s warm faces.

[deep-sea-horror]

Mightve just lost my job sfsgsfsgs

[sugarpun-fairy]

BEING A FAN AND DATING JOEL PIMENTEL - HEADCANNON

A/n: i was just fooling around w my mate @brattybombshell when this came up LAST MONTH I’M LATE FOR EVERYTHING SO PLS FORGIVE ME

also this is huge so yeah, enjoy urselves 

-x-

He meets you on the meet&greet  

You're all shy and nervous and almost pass out too like the girl from that vid and he's enchanted

P.S. it's your first show ever

And you bring everyone a letter with a small gift in it

The boys joke with you the entire time, trying to make you loosen up a little

You notice some of Joel's looks at you but you're like  

Nah, fam, me? Nop.

But the thing is that YES, FAM, YOU!

He's curious about you, your laugh and puns (that are just worse than Erick's)

He looks like a KID trying to find you when he's on stage  

But he can't

You were too far for him to see you and oh if he could bring you closer (like to his side) HE WOULD

After the show he's asking the whole staff to find you  

They can't

So he nicknames you Cinderella

You stole his heart and left without letting any traces

But he remembers your letter

He search for it like a dog searching a bone it dug on the backyard

He wants anything he can find about you, he NEEDS

A name, an address, an user

Homeboy is SO relieved when he finds your letter  

When he reads it and see your number there? He's on the clouds

He could swear he wouldnt complain about ANYTHING ever AGAIN  

Well, if you answered to a number from another country at least

He calls you  

He text you  

And you're like WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING MATE

That's when you pick up and he's like "hey it's me Joel"

You almost faint right there

Let's say that the show was on a Saturday and he's calling you at like

3 AM

And he's like PLEASE COME MEET ME I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU and you're like FUCK

Your flight is booked to the afternoon

You dont have this much time

The two of you don't even sleep

He sends a car to pick you up and you're a bit scared but SO excited (bc let's be honest the world is rlly dangerous for girls/women)

You didnt had time to put on makeup, just a quick shower so when you meet him you're all "oh boy I should have dressed up better why didnt I listened to my mom" AND HE LOOKS AT YOU AND HIS EYES FUCKING SHINE

That's when you stop, freeze and thinks  

"Fuck  

He's too much sand for my paper truck"

Then you see he's wearing the choker you gave him

And you melt

He's like "do you know a place we can go?" And you're like "I DONT LIVE HERE FUCK HE MUST THINK IM PATHETIC AND MUST BE REGRETTING CALLING ME HERE”

He finds it adorable how your body language shows your nervousness  

You can't keep eye contact  

But then you do

And then he's like "fuck" and you're like "fuck"  

And he's like "if you dont feel uncomfortable we could just get some snacks and stay at my room and talk about life" and you're so nervous you just shake your head

You see the amount of letters and gifts in his bed and you're like  

"IM REALLY HERE HOLY FUCK"

He doesnt make any move if he feels you're too uncomfortable  

So by the sunrise you're both sitting beside the other eating something from room service and he's listening to you rambling about your life

(He finds it adorable how distracted you get when you're talk and how sometimes you mix languages)

Then you stop talking and just sits back  

He's like omfgwhatdidido

And you're like imtalkingtoomuchheprollythinksimboring

You two stand there in silence and you look at the window

Sun is rising

His window is pointed straight at its direction

Mate

You love that boy  

But theres nothing more magical than the sun rising so you just go

And he goes after you

Mate it's beautiful

The sun, all the colors

But hes not looking at it

Hes looking at how even more beautiful your smile gets when the sun hits your face

"I'm sorry can I kiss you?" He snaps  

You're pretty sure you heard it wrong  

"What? Wait really? Yes please!"  

He nods and laugh  

You're smaller so he's leaning down and suddenly you're so nervous YOU BURST OUT LAUGHING

Your next thought is "I fucked up" so yeah you cry a bit  

You can't lie and say you hadn't cried already because the whole thing was SO UNREAL

The show  

The meet  

Being there with him

When he tries again it works

His hands are around your face then on your nape  

You dare to put your on his shoulder and his hair

His hair is SOFT

You guys keep touch

Using instagram since you doesnt have iOS (you tell him you hate it and won't ever trade your lil samsung, he gives you one anyway just bc he can)

You're not sure how to feel about it

First you're on the show  

Second you're kissing him at sunrise on his hotel room  

Third he's sending you gifts just so you can talk more?????????

Anxiety kicks in OF COURSE it's way too much

He stops telling he's single on interviews  

The boys tease him about it all the time

Talking about his Cinderella

There's a whole move on Twitter to find out who she is

You know who she is

Sometimes you're insecure  

About his career  

About you two  

About the fandom  

About EVERYTHING

He's always reassuring you about how he feels and doesnt care about anything else

(Your answer is always the same: anything else but music)

You're scared you'll start annoying him w your insecurities

So you start talking to the other boys too about it

Guess who slips that Joel wants to take you to tour with them when you can?

its hard to convince your parents, your vacation from work and college are not at the same time and you're like FUCK

the tour ends and you cant go and you're feeling so down

until he texts you saying he'll go to your country to see you

WE GOT POSTS EVERYWHERE "Is he going to see his so called Cinderella? So that means they met during the tour? Make your bets everyone"

it's crazy

you spend the first nights with him at the hotel before going to your house

the feeling of him being too much for you hits you everyday

gets worse when he goes to meet your family and youre like oh boy

you're so nervous you almost throw up

and everyone be like IM SORRY WAHT and you be like WE NEVER DID ANYTHING STOP RIGHT THERE

he spends that night at your house

its you, him, and your pet

and when you wake up you starts crying because you still can't believe

he also loves to hear you sing, even tho HE'S the singer there

its just a thing he likes, how you try your best even if you hate your own voice

a couple days before he goes back home he's like "get your passport i want you to go with me" and youre like "SO IF I TELL YOU ITS NOT THAT FAST WHAT WILL U DO"

and he just goes "JUST GET UR PASSPORT I HAVE A COUPLE MONTHS OFF AND I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FAMILY TOO"

At moment you're thinking if you could just leave everything behind and go live w him

part of you wants to

part of you is like "WHAT IF HE GETS TIRED OF YOU AND LEAVE YOU AND YOULL BE ALONE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY WHAT WILL YOU DO"

U insecure again

he talks to your parents, assure them you'll be fine

so you go

at first is just a short time

no one will die because of a little vacation right?

WRONG you're both destroyed when you have to go home

what do to? what to do?

stay? go? (SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO TANANANANA sorry)

you know he wants to ask you to stay, he knows he cant ask you that

you turn to him and be like "if i find a job here and have the proper documents ill stay" bc you dont wanna be a burden and want to have your own independence too

also california  im not sure if he does live in california but for fictional purposes the answer is yes

one of your dreams

so you stay

he finds a small ap for you to share and his mom helps you find a nice job

when you're all set he turns to you and be like "i want to make us public" and you kinda just freezes right there

you've been together for almost a year now so why not? you end up going for it

-x-

taglist: @southside-sweets @batboys-and-other-messes @imaginesandideas @brattybombshell

[the-sanders-sides]

inidan american (desi) logan

a sequel to this post because people asked for more and i decided that they shall receive (and also i love writing these)

fair warning, logans a bitter kid, and this isnt as positive and happy as romans post. ive experienced two different ways of being desi, one where i lived in fully asian and indian community and didnt even think id ever feel alone, and another where i moved to a place where i havent met another desi in like 7 years of living here in a 3 hour driving radius. in romans post i played into my first experience and how at home i felt. in the second experience, the one im in right now, i am much more bitter about who i am and not really knowing anyone who gets it anymore. so i play into that A LOT in this. so keep that in mind. (and he will get happier in a future part. m planning on making this into a series)

ok so first off. his name is logan sanders. people (mostly other indians) dont believe him when he tells them. he tells them they dont know indian history. they say they do. he tells them that the british fucked around (quite literally) in india for four centuries so of course english names would stick with that precise wording

sometimes when he’s annoyed enough and doesnt want to explain this for the millionth he defends himself with this russel peters skit (watch it, it’s hilarious) because it describes his family. to a T. 

he grew up in a community with not very many asians, and knew no indians outside his family so he felt a sort of disconnect to his culture

while his grandparents and parents would teach him about indian culture, he felt so distant from it since he knew no one outside his family who was indian, and since he didnt have any siblings or any nearby cousins to hang around with

he had visited india once but he was too young to remember it properly or too remember his cousins

the closest mandir was an hour away so that also limited the amount of indian kids/people he knew

he barely knew hindi because everyone in his family spoke english, especially in public

he felt guilty over the disconnect he felt and would always try to bridge it but would never accomplish this because it he kept losing passion since he rarely saw other people like him in the real world and in the media and he didnt see the point of trying

this all changed in eight grade when he moved next door to the Kumar family in a north indian street of some south asian blocks in an asian community

when his family first moved, the Kumar family invited the Sanders over to welcome them

it turns out the Kumar’s had a son who was the same age as logan

“hi logan! im rohan kumar! but i like going by roman instead of rohan!” 

this introduction pissed logan off 

he was seething because why would this kid who got to have an indian first AND last name change his name to an english one! why didnt he see the value of his name!

he knew right away that such a difference meant they could never be friends 

“im logan sanders, but thats all youll get to know about me because i see no use associating myself with someone as... well, ignorant, as you”

roman decides to whip out one of the swears his cousins taught him and whisper shouts “who are you calling ignorant, bhenchod?” 

 it became clear to him that this was new turf, and people on this new turf must be speaking hindi. and that he was the ignorant one if he couldnt talk in hindi. he made a vow to learn it as fast as he could to make sure this roman kid wasnt better than him

but, logan grits his teeth and says “you, and i know it must be true because you were too dumb to understand me the first time”

this evidently struck a sore spot in roman because he didnt fight back but just stalked away. logan smiled slightly, happy to have won that argument

logan asks his grandpa to teach him hindi and his grandpa gets super excited

they start lessons immediately and despite barely hearing it growing up, it’s as if his brain was made for this because he picks the language up amazingly fast and in a months time, while not able to speak back yet, he can understand most casual conversation

his first diwali in basically little india is the most magical thing ever

diwali at his old home was very quiet because there wasnt anyone around to celebrate with

everyone is so happy in this new home however. everyone is dressed up and all the houses are lit up and there are diyas everywhere and he doesnt want to admit it but the kumar’s have the best rangoli on the street and it’s because of roman and he knows roman did it because sometimes he’d stare out of his bedroom window while doing homework and have a perfect view of roman delicately working on it for two weeks

(the kumar’s front porch had been covered with tarp waiting for diwali to make sure romans precious rangoli wasnt stepped on or ruined. when it’s finally let up, everywhere where there could be art, there is. it’s insane how good at colors roman is, logan thinks)

diwali morning: 

he fights his parents because he doesnt want to miss school for diwali because americans dont have a day off for it. his parents set the clocks in the house ahead to make him think he overslept so he would skip school. (logan didnt know that his parents had submitted an excused absence form for religious reasons and that the school was very understanding. he thought it would be like his old school where he wouldnteven bother trying since he wasnt christain and the school was lkinda discriminatory)

they spend the morning in mandir and it’s nice. for once he doesnt feel different from his peers because he goes to mandir and not church or synagogue. he feels at home.

diwali afternoon:

the afternoon is spent with frantic cleaning and cooking and digging around for the diya’s that were still in boxes, packed away from when they moved

logan offered to find them all to continue with a diya science experiment he started two years prior. his theory was that the diya’s were multiplying and there were more each year despite no one buying anymore

this held true, because even though he could only find half of their diya collection, it was somehow more than the entire diya collection of two years prior. 

diwali evening:

theres a big potluck and everyone in the neighborhood is out talking to each other, looking at the decorations at everyones houses, eating samosas, and playing with sparklers. 

logan feels content

he makes a new resolve to learn more about hinduism. if this is what ti was supposed to be, then he never wanted to be away from hinduism. 

he looked at the metaphors and symbolism in everything and finally understood what his dad meant he told logan that hinduism is just science written in poetry and that string theory is written in the ancient texts

middle school in this new town is so much better than middle school in his old home. why?

a. doesnt get bullied for being a nerd

b. doesnt get called gay slurs 

c. the classes are harder 

d. much less racism

e. all of the above

soon enough, logans asking his grandpa to teach him how to cook Indian food

Logan spends the day burning dosas and making lopsided rotis

(eventually he gets the hang of it, and a he'll be cooking food for an infuriating Indian boy ;) ;) psst it's roman)

Speaking of boys

Coming out isn't an option for logan

He knows that his parents arent really religious enough to really look into hinduism and see that no, gays are not bad

But they are traditional and conservative enough to be homophobic

not homophobic as in spewing hate with the westboro baptist church at a pride parade

But homophobic as in "the gays are fine as long as they don't do it in front of me" kinda thing

So Logan stays quiet

the closet kinda sucks but i mean what can he do

it’s safer inside, and he as illogical as wishing is, he wishes that people would use their brains and realize there’s nothing wrong with gay

anyway

in school logan makes his first desi friend, who was dubbed as anxiety years ago and cant seem to get rid of the nickname and now has a whole complex about his name so logan doesnt know his name

logan and anxiety meet in the school library: logan studying and anxiety hiding

people dont like anxiety

especially non-indian kids

surprise surprise it’s an old buddy called racism, but anxiety’s story is for another time

(but even though no one really likes anxiety, whenever racist shit goes down, it has to go through roman)

so logan and anxiety become fast friends

and they make fun of roman (a+ bonding)

logan claims that roman is a hypocrite for changing his name to an english one while being so immersed in indian culture

anxiety doesnt dispute this, but says he has a past with roman

a past that involved getting stuck with the name anxiety

again, another story for another time

one day, when logan and anxiety are eating lunch they see roman destroy some homophobes who throw around the word f*g and keep calling caitlyn jenner, bruce jenner

logans chest surges

he’s all like “what?? emotions?? pride at roman?? is he better than me for being so open and standing up for what he believes in??”

gay panic basically

but logan masked it well and pushed it away

the next day roman comes to school with a pride patch on his jean jacket

logan feels like he cant breathe

logan is supremely jealous of roman.

he can be gay in peace

he can pretend not to be indian in a way that benefits him

and he’s not affected by stereotypes in the same way?? like what does this kid not have

and by stereotypes i mean

roman is the complete opposite of all indian and desi stereotypes: loud, flamboyant, theatrical

logan’s personality is exactly how the stereotypes are. he’s nerdy and likes science and math and it seems like he cant escape the stereotypes. they follow him. and he feels guilty that he likes science and math and is nerdy. 

as illogical as it is, he wishes he was different from how he is

but logan later learns that there are more than just his perspective on being desi and that every desi kid growing up faces challenges about it that are different than his, causing them to experience being desi differently

and logan will accept that, in another story at another time

for now, he’s just bitter. and as illogical as it is, he wishes the world was better

and now, i shall tag some people who asked to be tagged and some other desi’s who loved this because i feel like you guys might appreciate this too. also i love u. desi famders squad up.

@sssixeyedrunt @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2 @caterpiller-tea @xxxbladeangelxxx @snufflesthegrim227 @cloudchaser7 @thelowlysatsuma 

[chimchimchoo]

Fly Me to the Moon :: Ch 7

Genre: Pure fluff crack

Word Count: 1,369

Pair: Yoongi x Jimin

Collaborated with @tayvengeance

Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

“CHEER UP THIS SAD, EMO BOY!”

02-222-3333

Jimin stared at the note on the bathroom wall for a solid 5 minutes before he pulled out his phone and typed in the number.

authors note: we do not own any of the pictures, for better formatting so it’s more comfortable to read, check it out on AO3! AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14944508/chapters/36107328 Twitters: Tae’s Sujin’s <3 - Tae & sujin

Chat With Mochi_Moves:

2016.02.12

15:30

Mochi_Moves:

hey

sugar lips

c:

SUGA:

hey baby boy

do you even like it when I call you that?

I’ve never asked.

Mochi_Moves:

You can call me anything you like

but if you ever call me butterbean

i swear we’re ending this right here and now

SUGA:

why the fuck would I call you butterbean

what the fuck does that even mean?

butter doesn’t come from beans.

Mochi_Moves:

i’ve heard couples say it

(believe it or not)

i think i gagged a couple of times

SUGA:

not this fucking couple.

we’re classy.

I just send you one of these

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHIKf0f9E40

and I 100% know I got u.

Mochi_Moves:

and this is why i love you

my oojy coojy woojy moojy poo-poo

SUGA:

WHAT IN FUCK.

Mochi_Moves:

what’s wrong honey bunny buckles?

SUGA:

hi I don’t appreciate this name experimentation

you got going on

keep sugar lips

pls

im begging u

Mochi_Moves:

sure thing sugar lips

it suits you best anyhow

SUGA:

:)

wow I love you

:) :) :) :)

so Valentines day is a shit fest holiday but it’s coming up

in like 2 days, and we’re dating.

So like were you expecting anything that day?

Mochi_Movies:

well

i mean

i was thinking of spending valentines day

as a pre-date

for our 3 month anniversary c:

it’s back to back

and i’m planning the big night this time

SUGA:

[:

whatcha planning, love?

Mochi_Moves:

i’ll tell you when the day gets closer

it’s still in the works

c:

SUGA:

Well

if you want

on valentines

we could get a hotel room

and spend the day alone together

Mochi_Moves:

should i

should i bring a polaroid camera?

SUGA:

;)

we might use it

Mochi_Moves:

alright, i’ll bring it c;

SUGA:

This is me on my way to make a reservation at the

Lotte hotel around here

Mochi_Moves:

wow, look at my man

i love him so much???

be careful with those good looks

someone can easily snatch you away

:c

SUGA:

But how can someone snatch my heart

when you already have it

Mochi_Moves:

what country did i save in my past life to get myself a man like this

SUGA:

Weren’t you Mother Teresa?

Joan of Arc?

Gandhi?

any of those lives could have landed you me in this one

;)

Mochi_Moves:

don’T MAKE ME CRY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE ROOM MIN YOONGI

SUGA:

I LOVE YOU

:D

Mochi_Moves:

you’re lucky everyone else is grabbing food rn

SUGA:

oh you look delicious

wow

Mochi_Moves:

I know

i’m a full course meal that gets served at the queen’s palace

made by the most skilled italian chefs

c:

SUGA:

damn right you are

wow

and I get you all to myself.

I’m spoiled rotten

how did I deserve such a royal meal?

Mochi_Moves:

that’s just what we do

spoil each other rotten

i love it c:

SUGA:

Baby all I want to do is spoil you rotten

What do you want? I’ll get you anything you want

for valentines day

Mochi_Moves:

actually, i don’t really want anything

i already have everything i want

as disgustingly cliche as that sounds

it’s 100% true

SUGA:

well then i guess the only package you get to unwrap is mine

;)

Mochi_Moves:

SUGA:

OH MY GOD

I WAS JUST JOKING

Mochi_Moves:

but

i wasn’t

SUGA:

………

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHIKf0f9E40

Mochi_Moves:

c:

start running to that hotel sugar lips

SUGA:

tsk tsk, too impatient, Jiminnie.

gotta build up to the moment.

Mochi_Moves:

ahh

ill try

c;

SUGA:

come with me to book this fucking room

…

and let me kiss you~

Mochi_Moves:

hmm

i guess the dance team can live without me for a few hours

give me 10 minutes

<3

SUGA:

Who said I’d let you go back to dance practice

;)

Mochi_Moves:

oh

OH

well by all means

i’m calling out sick

hoseok hyung can deal

and make that 5 minutes

c :

SUGA:

You’re so damn easy to please

i love it

yes

come to your favourite hyung~

Mochi_Moves:

actually make that 10 minutes

i need a coffee

wouldnt want me to fall asleep on you now would you?

can i grab anything for my sugar lips?

SUGA:

you know what I like :)

Mochi_Moves:

yes i know i know you’d like me

but what about something to /drink/

SUGA:

you can grab me a glass

because you’re the hydrating drink of water

that I’ve been craving all day

;)

Mochi_Moves:

oh my god

tall black coffee it is

and probably a condom

if that lust doesnt chill

SUGA:

I was gonna save the sex for valentines

but if you really want

;) ;) ;) ;)

Mochi_Moves:

mm

the condoms gonna be on hold

its gotta be special like you said

it can wait c:

SUGA:

good.

also

should there be music?

is there a song you wanna have sex to?

have you ever thought about this Jimin?

Mochi_Moves:

music??

but dont people always say that the voices alone

are music to their ears??

or was that just straight up poetic

SUGA:

I mean

in my dreams

when you moan my name

it puts fucking Bach to shame

Mochi_Moves:

oh my gOD

SUGA:

So is that a no on the music?

Mochi_Moves:

what about a piece with your piano?

id love nothing more than something of yours

what about

first love?

SUGA:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JyHaRCMbx6A

what about this piece Namjoon filmed for class once

It’s called I Need U

Mochi_Moves:

wow

look at my beautiful man playing a beautiful song

i love it

its perfect

SUGA:

HAVE I NOT SHOWN YOU THIS VIDEO?

Mochi_Moves:

NO CLEARLY NOT

WHAT KIND OF BOYFRIEND ARE YOU

SUGA:

We filmed it that one day I had re-bleached my hair

before I dyed it silver

Because he said I looked like all innocent in all white

but

I Need U

yeah

I kinda wrote it

with you in mind

there’s no lyrics or anything

but the song is about idk

i guess how you help me live my best life?

Not to sound emo or anything

but

It’s like I need you because my crippling depression and

anxiety will take hold of me and you kinda ground me?

Idk I put a lot of emotional weight on you.

I’m sorry

but I’ve never been able to love like this before.

So yeah, another song for you.

How many songs have I made for you now?

Mochi_Moves:

Min Yoongi

never apologize for writing songs

if it expresses yourself better

and makes you happier

in fact

keep writing more

write as many as your heart desires

because shamelessly

i love it when you write songs about me

c:

SUGA:

Jiminnie

i’ll write you an album

20 songs

all 5 minutes long

no

2 albums

fuck, as many as it takes

I’ll write you songs until I physically can’t write anymore

Mochi_Moves:

for every song you write

i’ll create a choreography for it

just for you

SUGA:

Power couple.

that’s us.

Mochi_Moves:

just your typical disgustingly cute and Gay™ couple

SUGA:

so uh…

not to break up this charming conversation

because it is

and i love you

but

how’s that coffee coming along?

Mochi_Moves:

its tall (unlike you)

and hot

c:

SUGA:

*and hot (like you)

I think that’s what you meant

Mochi_Moves:

yes of course

i’d figure you knew

so i didn’t need to remind you

the tall fact

however

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

SUGA:

yah

you’re the same fuckin height

shut your beautiful mouth

Mochi_Moves:

dont tell me how to live my life

SUGA:

It’s been like 11 minutes

where is my chim chim

:(

I need u baby

and that coffee

but mostly you

Chim Chiminnie

Chim Chiminnie

Chim Chim Cherrie

Yoongi’s as lucky as lucky can beeeee

Chim Chiminnie

Chim Chiminnie

Chim Chim Cheroo

I don’t know the rest of the song

but I sure do love you~

Mochi_Moves:

sorry

i ran into kookie on the way

did you just sing mary poppins??

anyway where are you

im at the hotel

but i cant find you

:c

theres just a bunch of tall business men here

and one short guy

oh wait

there you are!

SUGA:

fuck you

I’m inside

Mochi_Moves:

c:

[zenmister]

P1) Hi, I wanted to ask you for some advice bc there's something thats been getting me down for a long time and nothing really seems to make it better. When I talk about it to friends I end up feeling worse because they just tell me what i don’t want to hear. Basically I've been talking to this guy for 7 Months now, things started off really well, he came to see me regularly and asked me out and seemed to be into me. He's always been slow at replying to my texts and

...its always frustrated me bc I take it personally as he is ridiculously slow at replying. As time went on he gradually seemed to become more distant, and it would go weeks before he'd come and see me, then when he did he'd rush off suddenly. I started to get more & more insecure bc I wanted more attention off him & the more I wanted it, the less I seemed to get. I started to confront him and instead of making me feel better he’d get angry or just ignore me until eventually I'd stop asking him and apologise.if i didn’t he’d just not speak to me. He always makes me feel bad for having feelings for him as if I'm being 'too much'.I saw him on nye for the first time in 3 months and he arranged to get a hotel with me - but made it seem like it was just convenient rather than saying he wanted to stay with me, sometimes he’d make plans to see me and then never show up. we spent the night together on nye but when we was out he kept wandering off or saying he’s not the type of person to show affection in public, we slept together that night, and i thought everything would stop being confusing, but then the next day he slipped back into his ways of ignoring my texts, and when I questioned him he just replied ‘what’ which i read as blunt and cold. I told my friend who met his best mate on the same night (and is in a relationship with him now) that he was confusing me again, &she told me I needed to just ask him if its going anywhere, so I said to him, "I dont wanna annoy you but the reason I’m saying this is cos its been a long time n its confusing not knowing where I stand with you, Ive obv got feelings for you now and I just want to know if you can see things going anywhere with me? I’m not tying to pressure you but I can't let things play out forever without knowing if it ever will, or if I'm just being played. I just need to know if its something you'd want eventually, cos the longer you don't talk to me the more i start to think youaren’t interested, but then other times it seems like feelings mutual, it’s just tiring for me trying to figure it out, you’ve not once said to me how u feel about me and you kept saying something like' don’t make it obvious' which is playing on my mind, idk what to think." He didn’t reply for another day and i was worrying myself sick thinking i should never said anything, then I ended up spending the next day consumed by regret, trying to get him to reply, and the more he didn’t the  more desperate and distressed i was becoming. I confessed that i was in love with him and he read it and didn’t even reply.Eventually i gave up and just said to him "please can we just forget about this, i knew it was a bad idea to ask you and i should never have put pressure on you bc its not fair, i won’t ask you how you feel about me again, please can we just go back to being friends? i don’t want you to be mad at me."then he replied straight away: "I’m not mad at you you’re just too much sometimes'. Id had anxiety for 2 days straight worrying about what i said, and the only thing that made it better was him replying, The reason I’m telling you all this is bc even though we’re still talking, which is what i wanted, the insecurity is still there and nothings really been resolved bc he treats me the same and doesn’t do anything to make me feel better. now if he doesn’t text me back, which he hasn’t done all day, i start to feel like I’ve done something wrong, and all the doubts resurface. I feel like i have no control and I’ve settled for anything bc I’m scared of losing him all together and ending up with nothing, but theres nothing i can do about it without pushing him away more. I just wish he’d start making more of an effort and making me feel like i meant something to him rather than it being just me that cares. i don’t know how to get my self- esteem back or how to get out of this situation, I just feel exhausted i feel bad about myself no matter what if he doesn’t speak to me.I don’t know how to stop being affected by it.I feel deeply insecure and like I’m not good enough for him, and I’m not sure if it is all just in my head. i feel like he doesn’t reciprocate my romantic feelings towards him, but has never actually denied liking me or verbally rejected me, he just lets me think he doesn’t care. Im just so confused and upset about it all, i feel like its never ending and that i need to be validated by him. I don't know how to break the cycle and stop worrying about it, i just feel trapped. please give me some guidance, sorry its so long i just wanted to give an accurate representation. thank you:(

That is a pretty comprehensive description of your situation. I can imagine that your friends tell you to forget about him and move on. You probably wish that it were that easy, but you would rather that he behave as though he loves you instead of you doing all the work of the relationship and him just participating when it is comfortable for him.

The relationship is causing you a lot of distress. Every time you text him you create an opportunity for you to be more distressed. You have given him many opportunities to let you know how he feels and is completely incapable expressing those feelings. It would be nice of him to put you at ease and answer texts regularly but he refuses to do that. He will probably never do that.

What you can expect from him is that he will be in touch with you when it suits him, and stop communicating when it suits him. He does not take your feelings into consideration with any sense of kindness or compassion.

You can probably find somebody else who will be nicer to you. When that person comes along you won’t have any problems breaking up with this person. As long as you choose to continue this relationship, you should be clear with yourself that he will not behave the way you want him to. He will not come around and start caring for the relationship. He will not start talking about his feelings and demonstrating a commitment to you. He will not start answering your texts with regularity. He will not engage with your feelings. As you continue the relationship take care of your own feelings. You can love a plant without caring how the plant loves you back. All the feelings you have are powerful and moving. Those feelings are all real and important. Unfortunately, they are mostly painful.

Your friends probably don’t want to see you suffer for this person so they give you advice that you don’t want. If you absolutely want to continue the relationship, work on your self-esteem separately. This man is not going to help you feel good about yourself. You can practice reminding yourself that you are a good, loving, and feeling person who deserves a healthy relationship. You can also remind yourself that you love a person who isn’t good with feelings and won’t take care of a relationship.

I would recommend that you practice working with all of the difficult feelings that this relationship brings up for you with awareness and compassion. Don’t think of this as a committed relationship and keep looking for somebody who can treat you better than this person does.

If you love a pair of shoes that are thee sizes too small they are better on the shelf. They will only hurt your feet if you wear them. You can’t dance in them.

[belarath]

so I've finally figured out how to vent on here again without falling into a panic spiral which is lovely  :  and I’m just going to spam myself here cause I really need to let something out   :   I’m dying, I'm just straight up dying in here   :   I’m so empty, in many ways   :   I’m wrecked physically, I couldn't walk up a hill 2 weeks ago without sitting down halfway though, and I don't mean a big hill I mean the side of a lightly inclined large road   :   I barely can make it to eat anymore, sitting up is a challenge, any you can forget any kind of maintenance   :   I got better yesterday only just so I could wash my hair enough that after washing it again today its not riddled with dandruff enough to clog up my comb anymore   :   I finally shaved which I like, but i’ve only been able to enjoy that at home. I step outside and its not good for how anxious I am. I had a fake lining of protective masculinity that I relied on to convince me I’m safe. I still felt uncomfortable going places especially at night but it wasn't to bad. now though I’m double as certain every person I see will shank me. I’m constantly looking over my shoulder which panics me cause every time I do that I'm certain that makes me look afraid which makes me a better target   :   though shaving has made me feel better physically   :   I hate my body so much, but shaving makes me feel a bit better which is a relief, the constant loathing of how I look is very very draining   :   you'd think that like after alllll this god damn time it'd get a little easier to live with such a retched self body image but its just so heavy feeling still   :   I worry   :   I’ve always been a very sad person   :   and like I acknowledge that Its probably not healthy how sad I am all the time but   :   I’ve been like this my entire life   :   I’ve never felt happy for longer than like, maybe more than a month or 2 straight   :   I’m so confident in how well I can endure the deathly long expanses of numbness and hyper draining lack of energy   :  the lack of passion for anything the tastelessness of food   :   the contentment to not move the endless wishing for god damn peace and quiet   :   I have that thing where you really just don't want to exist, I just don't want to have to live in this body and be this mind, I acknowledge I don't have a fear of death because I day dream about not being alive in the sense that being alive is very very very heavy   :   not all the time but,,  so much of the time and that not needing to feel the desire to not want to feel heavy anymore is lovely   :   like I’ve lived like this for my entire memory and so just continuing to live has been my jam   :   I know that if I did die, my Mum would not cope, she’s die   :   I’ve watched her claw her way through things, I swear she doesn't know how hard she’s had it, and I cannot take any joy she's gleamed from this life she's sacrificed so much to reach by selfishly dying   :   death is out of the option until my Mum dies   :   and its likely that death will be out of the option until my close friends either drift away or die as, well, they’ve gone though too much, one specifically I worry about, and I think that dying would be rude to say the least   :   and again its just very selfish   :   one of the virtues of having been programmed to treat myself as lesser is that this instinct has prevent my death which is cool   :   it does make for some suffering though   :   but anyway i’ve drifted   :   I wasn't worried about myself and my sadness until this week   :   I think wednesday? I think I had a moment, I’m certain I had a moment where I fantasied about self harm, and the thing about this is that fantasising about it made me feel better, which really is the part I’m scared about   :   funny thing is though that I have a friend who did self harm but they used like a cutting tool and in my head I was like “ugh no thats just not the way to do it stabing is a way better idea!”   :   my friend told me about their experience and they said they knew it was dumb thing to do cause they had people they knew that did it but they still did it, I forget the reason why. but they regretted it and for some reason it made me thing that I’m way more reasonable because I learnt from them and decided that using like cork board pins seems like a way better idea XD   :   I didn't self harm because the pin I had on me I’m sure wasn't clean and I didn't have the energy or the free break to go get a clean one, and going through the rigamarole of sterilising and then trying to hide it was just,,, to much for my stamina to think possible.  : luckily again another piece of programming “gifted” to me by good old paterna saved me from this moment of self harm as I believe everything has to be done by the book! not by like a real book but the book he taught me to make for myself. what a lovely instinct! to have half my brain assigned to making rules to punish and contain my self which is completely SELF SUFFICIENT   :   I’m being sarcastic btw   : �� to the core of me tip to toe I hate it with a fucking passion   :   one of the few passions that I do have XD   :   but again I drifted though   : the moment passed and I haven't wanted to self harm again since then which is good but I’m still unnerved   :   I’m so scared   :   I’ve been dying on the inside for a little bit now   :   I think i have anxiety, and i think I may have a little paranoia though I haven't googled it so I may not   :   but gosh its been put into perspective how self destructive I am   :   there was a post which listed a bunch of self destructive behaviours 28 in total, I had 21 of them and the other 7 involved sexuality which I don't have much of being mostly ace   :   I remember thinking “its a fairly good list” but it kinda highlighted somethings    :   it made me think    :   maybe dressing in wet clothes because you couldnt be bothered to keep your body clothed cleanly and then going out in cold windy weather even though you know you’re going to shiver and probably chafe a bit and then be super hungry cause your cold so you decide to eat out and berate yourself for spending or get home and eat and berate yourself for not making something better and getting fatter or not eating just cause who cares.   MAYBE THATS SELF DESTRUCTIVE   :   or maybe staying at public dnd games which a bunch of people who unnerve you and sap you of energy for sometimes chunks of 3 to 5 hours because you “don't want to offend people” or “don't want to mess up anyones schedule” while also not eating or drinking enough MaYbE ThAtS SeLfDeStRuCtIvE Too   :   maybe its knowing you will get horrific migraines or want to throw up from lack of sleep and maybe that will spike your anxiety about being fired from your work because you can't shake the feeling everyone wants to fire you but you don't mention anything because you'd feel bad about leaving or something and because some of these people you actually like you'll degrade yourself more because they are worth it and you’re not MAYBE THATS FUCKING SELF DESTRUCTIVE   :   I WANT TO SCREAM BUT I DONT   :   I NEVER FUCKING HAVE AND IM DYING INSIDE   :   god I get so mad and I scream so loud in my head my head hurts   :   I’m so broken in so many intricate ways and I know I could feel so much better but, theres so much in the way! and most of its me thats in the way! I’m so close to not even just like help Im so close to comfort! I just want be held by people I like, I’m sure I could ask for like more hugs or to cuddle or to hold hands or for people to play with my hair or for just in general human contact of any kind but, theres so much social anxiety to even begin to ask something like that and that even if I were to get consent how the hell could i learn to initiate!? I”M SO FUCKING SCARED to like ask for physical contact from yet another trauma as a kid. If it weren't bad enough that I’m hyper petrified about getting consent for any kind of physical contact but I also believe that if i were to touch people it would be automatically labeled as predatory because I’m male. I’m starting to think maybe sexual trauma as a kid has had a bigger effect on my psyche than I think? which in all honesty is just, its just exhausting to hold in my head that idea.

[mykie-hyun-blog]

❤️

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? Id probably laugh 2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? I love him & he doesnt love me 3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care? No, the guy I was talking about is and I dont care, everyone is a bloody druggie I just dont care anymore I love him as a person despite his addictions 4. Is your last name longer than six letters? Nope 5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? Sober I think he was a little high still tho I wasnt high because i showed up late lol 6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up? I don't think I did anything wrong, he just doesnt get into relationships. But he didnt tell me until after I fell in love Cuntcunt I think about him every day 7. What does your last received text say? "I look shit in that photo and I still look better than her" Aha true 8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? Many times 9. Where was your last kiss at? On the side of the street, it was a goodbye kiss :/ had no idea that would be my last kiss from him 10. When is the last time you saw your sister? Never lol 11. What do you drink in the morning? Pink lemonade lucozade 12. Where did you sleep last night? Bed 13. Do you think relationships are hard? They shouldnt be but most of them are aha me & my best friend atm just bond over our shit relationships. Theyre good to talk about. You need to spend one night with a friend deep talking about your life every once in a while. It clears your head & you might get some great advice 14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? I dont remember that far 15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems? Id probably cry lol I love him and part of me wants to be locked in a room with him gdi We'd end up kissing probably but I know he doesnt actually love me 16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? Depends,if im inside then rain but if im out sun 17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? Alot of people Its my grandmas name :) 18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? None of the above 19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? Probably 20. Does anyone like you? Yep 21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? No 22. Is the last person you kissed gay? No 23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? Ya & she looks like she has acne braille on her forehead It says H-O-E 24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? Yeah but only a small one 25. In the past week have you cried? Ya ive had a lot of deep talks 26. What breed was the last dog you saw? Rat 27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? Both because i love absolutely flooding the bathroom floor 28. Have you ever kissed a football player? Im going to Soon 29. Do you think you’re old? No 30. Do you like text messaging? Yaa good way to connect with people ..? 31. What type of day are you having? I dont remember Im pretty spaced out its good i think Boih i got my crushs snapchat AA Not the one i made out with another one i liked for a long time ❤️❤️❤️ SKKRR 32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? Ya i was going to idk though 33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? Warm :) 34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? Yeah...:( we dont talk anymore We made out 3 weeks ago tho 35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? Definitely a relationship Flings fucking suck when you get attached 36. Are you a simple or complicated person? Complicated complicated 37. What song are you listening to? Slow hands~ This song was on repeat when i was deep talking..we had two last week because we're fucked up and i definitely need someone like her to talk to about him 38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? Sometimes 39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? I dont know..im v complicated The girl i was talking about knows alot i think..when i start talking deeply about myself & my problems i start crying Im not sad/depressed at all!! Like im good but im just reeally emotional and i cant help it 40. What made you start liking the person you like now? Well theres 2 I just cant explain....i just.....love them. With my entire heart. I'll talk about the one i fell in love with 3 weeks ago Hes hot but thats not why i like him. I love his personality. He's just....everything that id ever want. But i cant be with him. Forever is a long time to spend without him and i dont know if i can do that 41. When did you last receive a text message? An hour ago 42. What is wrong with you right now? -Anxiety -He doesnt care about me. He saw me first, even made an effort to show off in front of me lol. Looked at me like he genuinely loves me, we kissed a lot. And other things tmi, but he doesnt give a fuck clearly -I havent been eating since i found out, not because im starving myself i just physically cant eat. 43. How well do you know the last female you texted? Shes the girl i was talking about before 44. Does anyone disgust you? Yep. Shes trying to take the guy i was talking about. Go fuck yourself She tried to ruin her best friends life, shes jealous of everything she has. Tried to take both her boyfriends (one after the other not @ the same time) I could go on 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? Yes yes Nothing feels real rn Theres like..a space between me and my emotions. Id be excited as helllll life would be amazing but theres like..a space.... 46. Are you in a good mood right now? No idea lol 47. Who was the last person you talked to in person? . 48. What color shirt are you wearing? Im wearing a grey bodycon dress 49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? 50. Anyone you’re giving up on? Him.. 51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? Kindof.. i cant help being in love 52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? I just 53. Do you like rain? Yea 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? Dont care at all id date an alcoholic doesnt stop me loving them 55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? Ya my crush I might tell him soon but im so scared of telling him since the ordeal with the other guy..i can tell he likes me but im so paranoid If he says no i dont know what id do Like id stop eating completely probably 56. Do you like to cuddle? Yes!!! 57. Are you shy? 58. Do you get along with girls? Ya 59. Have you dated the person you texted last? No haha 60. What do you carry with you at all times? My..emotions....gum idk 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? Bitch id do that for 5 dollars 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? Of course :) 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? Kindof haha Hes like..famous where i live and we were kinda a thing 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? Yes :) 65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? I dont really remember that far :/ idk My crush smiled that was cute 66. How old are the last three people you kissed? 15, 16, 15 My age so 67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? Do myself bih 68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print? Zebra 69. Do you have any stickers on your car? Im 15 70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? Whos luke bryan 71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone? iPhone 72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? A while ago with friends it was amazing I had dominos last week tho, me & G (the gal i was talking about) ordered dominos :) we both struggle to eat after our /experiences/ and i came over 2 days later & we had the leftovers

[mysticmessenger-reactions]

Can I have some angst that doesnt end well? With RFA +V and Saeran if possible.

OK here you go just a

ou go just a warning the Yoosung one is really long OK! So buckle up this is gonna be sad. And if this is not what you wanted then pleaselet me know so I can re-write it!

And dear lord you guys are trying to kill these men…and woman.

Yoosung

Between gaming and school he had no time for you. You could understand studying that was a necessity. But every night when he came home you ran to the door to greet him but he would just push you to the side telling you that he was stressed and needed to game to make him feel better. And thats ok the first few times but not everyday. But being the good wife that you are you still made him dinner, did his laundry, and even washed his dishes. But all you got was a ‘thanks. 

 The day of your anniversary came by. You and Yoosung were so happy on the day of your wedding.  Your friends and family were there it was perfect. Part of Yoosungs speech went like 

“MC I promise to make time for you even though I’m busy I will never forget to hang out with you you are not only my wife but my best friend.”  

And in the beginning of your marriage that was true…..for a while. After his classes he would run home and tackle you with hugs and kisses exclaiming how much he missed you. But over the months his excitement faded more and more to the point where you were basically old news. 

“I’ll spend all my time with you my ass” You mock setting the table for a romantic dinner.

 Then the door opens and you run to see Yoosung.  

“Yoosung~” You say cheerfully. “Your home”

 He just looks at you sadly and walks past you. You give him a cold stare. Finally he looks up at you confused. Tears are dripping down your face. 

“Whats wrong MC” He asks. 

“Have you even looked at the chatroom today. He glances at his phone and sess all the ‘Happy Anniversary’ texts theres even one from V.

 “Shit I’m so sorry” He says.

 “Oh, what sorry that all our friends remember our anniversary but you dont. You yell.  “Its just school an-” You cut him off. 

“No, Yoosung its always school you never have time for me anymore” You yell through tears. “You know what I’m calling Seven to come pick me me up” 

Tears are dripping down his face youve never seen him this sad. You pick up your phone and call Seven all Yoosung can do is watch in horror as his wife walks out the door.

Zen

He came home late….again drunk…again. You had enough of this he had been doing this for the past few weeks since his “career took off”. You were happy for him, dont get that wrong. But this excessive drinking and partying was to much for you. You decided to talk with him.

 ‘Hey Zen, honey.” You say sweetly.

 “Yeah MC” He slurrs.

 “I think this drinking is getting out of hand.” You say genly putting your hand on his lap.

 He slaps your hand away and you stare at him in shock. 

 “You don’t tell me what to do woman” He sneers lighting a cigarette.

 “Don’t smoke on our new couch dear.” You remind him.

 “Im the one who bought this thing” He yells.

 “Yes but your wife gets a say too!” You yell back on the verge of tears.

 “Whatever” He says looking off.

 “What happend to the man I married” You say walking away.

 Once you get out the door you call Yoosung.

 He answers the phone.

 “Hello?” He answers sounding tired 

 Yoosung. You sob into the phone

 MC is that you….why are you crying. He says hecticly

 Zen is such an asshole why did I even marry him” You sob

 MC what happened. He asks with a scared tone.

 Ill tell you can you please come pick me up. You say shakily. 

 Ok Ill be there in a minute MC hold on. He says.

 When Zen wakes up the next morning your gone he then remembers what happened last night. 

 He lost his MC.

Seven

 He came back from a mission and you were so excited to see him. He had been gone for about 3 months and you had been so lonely without him. You missed his pranks, his jokes, and just everything about him was perfect to you. He was such a loving husband to you. You were getting ready to go to the airport Jumin was getting you a ride and you were so thankful. When you arrived you told Driver Kim to wait outside. But when you walked in Seven looked awful you could feel the worry and anxiety from all the way across the airport.

 “Seven~” You scream.

 You go to hug him and he flinches back but you wrap your arms around him and he loosens up.

 “I missed you” You sob.

 He smiles but then turns to a frown he looks behind him and hugs you tighter you feel tears go onto your back.

 “MC you have to listen to me ok” He says frantically

 You nod confused.

 “Someone followed me back their extremely dangerous I need you to get as far away from here as possible” He whispers.

 “What? Seven I-I cant leave you” You sob into his chest.

 “MC…please don’t make this harder for me to say goodbye” He hugs you tighter. 

 He pulls way wiping your tears from your face. “MC don’t cry just know that Iove you”

 “I know but-” He start.

 “MC were running out of time please just go” He begs.

 You hesitate but look into his eyes “Goodbye Seven” 

 You run to Driver Kim’s car and get in.

 “Take me to Jumins’s house now!” You scream.

 As you drive away you see an explosion and cry harder. Your Seven is gone forever.

Jumin 

 “MC not now I have to work” Has become a common phrase in your house. He has become almost robotic like he has no emotion at all. Now hes not good with emotions he never was but now he has almost none including love. You were so done so you stormed out the door to take a walk but you saw the headlights racing towards you to bad you didn’t care anymore.

 “MR. HAN MR. HAN” An employee ran into the meeting room.

 “What is it” He says sounding annoyed.

 “Its your wife sh-” He didnt even finish his sentence before Jumin was out the door.

 “Please be ok” He says to himself over and over.

 When he gets to the hospital he immediately runs over to your room. 

 “Doctor please do you know what happened.” He pleads.

 “She got hit by a car” He says quietly.

  “I will sue whoever did thi-” He was cut off.

 “You didn’t let me finish, many witnesses said that it looked like she saw the car coming she stared right at it” He finishes.

 “So your saying she committed suicide” He looks over at her covered by the cloth. “Why MC” He sobs.

 Jumin was never ok after that he often just skipped work and drank wine. The RFA tried to help him but he didn’t want it he just wanted to be alone

 Ok I spent hours on that so please let me do another one I’ll do the ones I didnt do tomorrow ok. 

[foolgobi65]

finn, the last son of krypton

so theres this photo set for a superman au where finn is clark and rey is lois and i cant stop thinking about it so heres kind of a bare bones (still too fucking long) way of how it could work out. this is like ... part one.. because its too fucking long and strange and its 3:30 am 

first, since its got aliens and i needed a way to give luke the ~legend~ status he’s got in canon, i figured he could have telekinesis 

maybe there’s a mutation, and some humans develop powers. anakin skywalker is turned by senator palpatine, who seizes power in a coup, turns public opinion against mutants and uses darth vader to purge anyone with powers

there is no empire, really. there is a State of Emergency, and certain aspects of the constitution are rewritten. term limits, are taken out. 

luke and leia are born and split apart. bail organa is a senator from washington maybe, raises leia who can feel people’s emotional state (useful, for when she becomes a spy and later general of the underground resistance. until luke tells her, she thinks its just intuition) 

luke is a fighter pilot, whose big victory is when he gets in a (smuggled) plane and shoots down a nuclear bomb right before it hits san francisco

they say he saved a million lives that day, and so he can’t understand how he could have failed ben. how all that power couldnt save his students when he most needed it. 

han solo is still a smuggler, but since there never really is a war, he just ends up aiding the shadowy rebellion. 

leia runs for congress, then for senate, taking her father’s old seat. sometimes, she misses the rebellion 

she declines to run for reelection when the first order starts making some noise. she is appointed director of the cia. 

which brings us to the first order! people who are still afraid of mutants and what their freedom might mean, an extremist organization driven underground that is seeking to make its ugly return

there’s an underground bunker full of scientists trying to figure out how to self induce the mutations, in order to create an army of complacent, superpowered warriors to protect them and attack their enemies. 

so, now that that’s out of the way, imagine a universe where the last son of krypton doesn’t crash in smallville, where he isn’t taken in by the kents. 

where maybe he crashes outside that first order bunker, and two scientists come out and find a spaceship, and a child inside

they look at each other and once theyve gone past their first thought (aliens!!) they wonder at his genetic code

the first order runs tests, but they don’t see evidence of the normal superpower mutations. in fact, the alien child seems to be fairly weak compared to normal human children of the same age

(always knew we were strongest, they mutter, smirking.) 

the first two scientists, who happen to be married and like the look of the baby’s face decide to keep it (him). to raise him, because they didn’t think they could ever have children of their own

it’s all fun and games until he turns 10

at age 10, the boy who was once kal-el begins to develop powers beyond imagine. 

one day he can see through bodies, trees, buildings. another, he can hear the bees buzzing in a field five miles away. he tears the car door off its hinges

his previously “loving” parents, freak the fuck out. 

immediately, he’s taken to the underground bunker that before he had only known of as his parents’ workplace. he is tied up and tested on

he is more powerful than any mutant, and he has been allowed to grow up as an individual for too long to be controlled.

they try their best anyways. 

his parents tell him he’s disgusting, that he’s terrifying, that he’s a monster. they tell him he is unworthy of love. 

at some point they realize that he needs the sun, and so they take it away. he spends the rest of his time with the first order inside the bunker where they test him, torture him, break him. 

he grows to be afraid of what he can do, believe that he is too powerful to exist. that he should be dead, but continues to breathe only due to the benevolence of the first order

(they’re trying to crack his genetics again, and use the information in the spaceship he arrived in. they can’t understand kryptonian, so its slow going.) 

years later, commander poe dameron, intelligence operative and get away driver extraordinaire sneaks into the bunker trying to figure out what they’re doing, is captured but somehow escapes with the person the first order brands as FN-2187 (only people get to have names) 

anyways they escape in a dumpy ass truck, and when poe asks his new buddy what his name is, he replies “i dont know” 

he carefully doesnt think about how his parents once called him clark. he doesn’t get to be clark 

“imma call you finn, then” finn smiles. 

eventually, they stop at a safe spot and poe asks finn if he’ll come with him. finn, who doesn’t know anything except that he is a weapon, doomed to destroy all good things, says no

(poe is the first good thing he’s known since Before) 

he runs. 

finn has a 5th grade education, but Before, he used to be sickly and spent a lot of time in the library. he walks into one and begins to read. 

for a few months, this is all he does -- somehow the powers have affected his cognition so he can read and understand more and better than anyone in the world. he befriends the local librarian, who thinks he dropped out of school young and wants to help get him back on track

she shows him the nearest homeless shelter, which is where he sleeps. she brings him two meals a day that they eat together as she helps him learn math and science and history and literature 

behind his back, she informs someone about this genius, troubled boy she knows, and when someone comes to the library and tells finn that he’s special, he runs again

this time, he decides to run to mexico, because he wants to learn more. he works and lives and learns, and without knowing or understanding he grows strong. one day, he makes a mistake and misjudges his strength, revealing himself. he runs again

over time finn begins to learn control, mainly because he’s so afraid. he travels from place to place and realizes how Good people are, how dangerous he could be to them. he falls in love for the first time, with humanity. he lives in the anxiety that one day he might accidentally become the monster the first order insisted he was. 

eventually, he gains enough control that he realizes he could use his abilities to help, even though he knows he shouldn’t. even if he didn’t hurt anyone, finn knows that they would only react in disgust, anyways. 

he whispers this to himself everyday, that he can’t he shouldn’t he wont, but in the end, he does. he helps, and then he runs (again and again) 

at some point, he learns to fly. it becomes the only one of his powers that he enjoys, that isn’t touched by the fear.

(its FLYING) 

but at the same time, he learns -- he lives, and smiles and loves but most importantly, he listens. finn’s got a way about him that make people want to open up, and so they do. people tell him their stories while he sits on their stoops, and he begins to write them down because he wants to remember. he keeps a journal. 

one of these stories is so fantastic that he sends his write up to a local newspaper, just so someone can please interview indira she’s so freaking amazing and he wants everyone to know!

instead, they ask finn if he’ll just do it himself. finn begins freelance reporting, talking to people in the places he runs to and sending write ups to the local english language paper. he falls in love a second time, now with his chosen profession. 

someone, somewhere tells finn to find home. that he needs to stop running and set up roots. they tell him to find a big city with lots of people he can write about and stay. to try, at least. 

finn, skeptical, agrees, but only because yakov glared really hard and said he wanted weekly postcards and expected them from the same location for at least 6 months. 

finn doesnt know why this was effective, only that it was. yakov’s 15 grandchildren do. 

so finn decides to maybe stop running, and figures metropolis is as good as any place to try. he sends his portfolio to the daily planet because that was one of the newspapers he used to read in that library After. its one of the papers he’s kept up with over all these years.  

on his first day he bumps into daily planet star reporter rey, a known crusader for justice and one time winner of the pulitzer prize. 

she’s partnered with him for his first story and doesn’t like it until they clear their first scrape. it’s only when she decides to trust him that she smiles

and when she smiles, finn feels something weird, a type of warmth even greater than that first moment he soaked in the sun’s rays. 

this, he realizes later, is the beginning of how he falls in love a third time. 

at the time, its the moment he decides to stay. 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this mentally ill person causes an extreme amount of chaos in my life which is completely not needed because although i lack certain things - i could probably get by without them. like im going to be sad and whatever but im not going to die and ill find a way to live. 

but their illness absolutely causes many of my issues to be triggered which does not in anyway allow me clarity in the moment because i am still working on my issues. and heres what i can give to myself: i never ran away. ive been knocked down and shit on and dragged through the mud and as much as ive even wanted to - ive never run away and i never gave up. this is my strength. this is the resilience. 

i have alot of complex feelings about this and i want to not entangle all of them into this giant lump of grief and sadness but to address each part of it and work through each part on its own to complete the big picture. and i feel im doing this in my own life like ive gone from complete mental break downs to just being really sad. my immediate thought is not ‘i want to fucking die’. like maybe i feel this way and its one of the thoughts but its not the first one. its not the overwhelming one anymore. and i cant even express how this has made things better for me. i am able to cope so much moe when im not in an anxiety attack like death could truly be imminent just by my own hands. 

like heres an overwhelming fact: no one will ever give a fuck. no one will ever really want to help. 

one day im sure ill be romantically surprised by the prince charming that changes everything for me but until that day comes - ive spent a decade involved in other peoples lives because i have no life of my own. i have no family, no traditions, no holidays. no one can join me for a thing - i join them. 

and heres another overwhelming fact: this is not remotely fair. i was dealt a really shitty hand and its not fair but nothing changes this. nothing changes that its not fair. i will not get my parents back. i will not have a family i grew up with. its not fair. this is just a fact, not whining - it’s not fair that this happened. and of course “life is not fair” but its truly not fair to have your parents die at an early age. its not fair to have a child die young. theres many not fairs. its just .. not fair. 

what do i do with this information? this is like .. a real turning point to make. 

i guess to start, how do i feel? and i feel... sad. and frustrated. and lke.. i wish the world was a better place. im angry that like.. people really take for granted what they were just handed and i dont know how to stop being super bitter about it. im not even pissed i didnt live a glamorous life but the older i get the more i realize that my parents were completely and totally unfit parents to their core. and like this is so hard to admit because i loved my father soo much and this person did so much for me and my ungrateful mother but he did so little as well. 

and i repeat this cycle. i was given such little attention as a child that i am absolutely grateful for something i should have gotten purely out of love. like why do i walk around with “i never asked for this” tattooed on me? since i was a small child i just felt like - wow i never asked to be here you know. like im not TRYING to be here. i was just popped out of the womb and now im like this giant burden to your life and like my mother didnt care at all and she held sooo much resentment towards me. and this is what i knew. this is all i have ever known in my whole life. mentally ill people who are completely incapable of caring for anoter human being making me an intregal part of their lives. 

and what really has confounded me for years is whether or not i am mentally ill. like is everyone around me crazy or am i the crazy one? and its like -- no one knows the isolation ive had except me. and they take this as like being lazy or unsociable but ive been terrified to go out and interact with people because am i the crazy one or are they? 

but as i get older i realize i honestly may not be the mentally ill person. how could one ever tell this when ive been under duress since i was 3? its not that i am mentally ill its that im reacting to my surroundings like any normal human being. i am not psychotic or paranoid, i dont have delusions or an ego. im actually, i believe, a pretty fine and sane person who appears mentally ill under these scenarios. i thought i had a mood disorder - no, i just live an extremely stressful life. and have for like two decades. of COuRSE i feel different things quickly and without regard. of COURSE. thats a REACTION to the scenario, usually of which is completely abnormal. 

and there is not a single person in my life to pat my back and be like hey, its okay to feel this way you know. its okay that youre angry. its okay that youre sad. ive begun developing the voice in my head that will be this person. i realized its the only way i will be able to survive. when ram dass said you are not your depression, i realized i am not any of my emotions. i am just feeling these things. and there is a reason why i am feeling them. im not just waking up rying to feel this way. thre is a root problem.

but when you are surrounded by mentally ill people, they suck you into their illness and you react to this. so not only do i have my own issues im dealing with seperately on my own but now i have these issues coming up begging to trigger certain emotions and thoughts in me which really are not issues im capable of dealing with because IM not  a therapist or a trained professional and i can barely navigate my own life right now. but i work especially hard not to have this fall on other people. i understand that i was handed this deck. no one else was handed it. this is for me to do what im going to do with it. so i blame no one for me not having parents. it is no ones responsibility to fill their roles. or even be a family member to me. 

for example; hearing constantly about how this political system doesnt work or poor people are disadvantaged or the city is corrupt etc. -- all facts im well aware of which linger in my mind on a daily basis which i have to fight with everything i have to get out of bed and keep doing something. but now i have it being reiterated to me as well on a regular basis and my desire to do anything has dwindled to nothing. 

i have become trapped in this non relationship because it was easy for him to get what he wanted by giving me just a bit of what i wanted. he has been very very very selfish from the beginning because he knows he will not be monogamous or fulfill my emotional needs but continues to maintain this non relationship. he believes i am responsible because he “told me this” and i continued to be involved with a mentally ill person who spent all of his time with me, usually by his own choice because again, it was “easy for him”. he reiterated ENOUGH times that he believes i need to be cared for and that he has done everything he is currently possibly able to do within his own means to care for me. 

but its kind of like .. this stray dog. like you know this dog needs care despite its survival on its own and you feed it every once in awhile maybe give it a bath, hang out with it for awhile but you never give the dog what it needs. 

and also, you’re treating me like a dog. as if i have no emotional brain to feel what it’s like for someone to treat me like this. as if i dont know that you have a home. and you have all the things you need. and youre just feeding me scraps because you feel bad. 

ive lost respect for him because hes running. its not even a jealousy issue becuse i know if i went away for three months and returned, all of my problems would still be there. my parents dont come back in thre months. he never tried to improve his situation and instead ran away from it and ive just lost alot of respect for him for doing that. 

and if i cant respect him i dont know if i can even be his friend. 

and he has not shown appropriate respect for my own issues either so what i am feeling right now is just an overall lack of respect for this person. like i still love them but i feel like i cant hold my own head high or like sleep at night knowing i dont respect this person but im still supporting them. its like nikki sixx. i dont respect him anymore and i probably will never support his projects again. but i had such a deep love and adoration and like i still have that first love kind of feeling like this person really influenced my life and i owe their character alot for my character but omg do i not respect him at all. could i never look at nikki sixx again?

no. 

and thats the confliction. like it does not matter what he does at all. it matters what i do and what i decide upon this and how important he is to my life. i lost all respect for my ex when he cheated and lied. u know its the lieing. its not even the cheating. im not even mad about the cheating, its the lies for months on end. like what a mar on your character. thats who you are now. youre a person who lied. do i still look at him?

yes. do i still talk to him? no. did i talk to him? yes. because being so young i didnt know how i would feel in this scenario like this was anther nikki sixx. five years out of the gate - i would not watch video games to this day if i didnt have this relationship and this is like the most comforting thing in all of my life. like even beyond weed, the most comforting thing is just some guy playing video games. and thats only from my ex. i wouldve never developed this comfort in watching games had i not ha this experience. now thats apart of who i am. and i think about him atleast 10 - 20 times a month. easily. i think about the time we spent together, i think about how much i loved him, how much i loved his guitar playing -  i felt really lucky at the time and that this would be the man i would marry and spend the rest of my life with. i wanted to do this. 

and i talked to him because i wanted this sooooo bad i hoped that he could say or do something that would regain my respect and nothing he did or said made it any better. i never regained respect for him. and its because the action was already done. i dont think i could forgive an abuser, you know? like i dont think i could get punched in the fucking face and be like oh it was just one time they changed. they did not change at all they just learned to not do that again because the consequences are dire. the action is already done. you were a working brain of a person before you cocked your fist and then you completed the action and NOW you’re sorry? NOW you learned? 

i think he is not a person right now you can currently admire or respect. and like nikki sixx, he gave me alot. like alot of negative experiences whch couldve been much worse that allowed me the opportunity to learn about myself. life is not fair and life couldve been some fucking piece of shit jamming a dick down my throat. and like for the position im in thats actually alot more likely to happen to someone like me so its lucky that i encountered some mentally ill jerk off living with his mother. 

to be fair, i guess hes right - he hasnt BEEN someone to respect or admire. he has sat on his high horse while crying and then running away. and i cannot at any point n the future see myself saying “wow good job you abandoned all your responsibilities to work on yourself.” because again - you abandoned them; they werent taken from you. you took for granted what youve been given and then took advantage of your priviledge to “take a break from it” and that’s just not respectable in the least bit. no matter if you come out of this as jesus fucking christ - if jesus murdered a dude before he was crucified - fuck jesus. 

i feel as the mostly not mentally ill person n ths situation as i look down upon it i see this person running away and realizing how much they took for granted and how poorly they treated me and the love that i actually provided to them. this of course will take weeks, if not months to realize as lonliness sets in and no one is really interested in being friends with someone mentally ill or he encounters similar situations. 

what i feel like right now is that i have a choice. i could gamble upon my gut feeling whch could very well lead to repeating a cycle again; hes “not monogamous”. so even if he were to realize anything at all, it remains tht hes “not monogamous” and i would have to gamble two years worth of hearing that against it suddenly changing (it wont.) 

or i could walk away and commit myself to the knowledge this person is mentally ill, unlikely to get better an caused a large amount of pain in my life so i should not maintain any communication with them because mentally i will always be thinking like.. i dont care. go fuck yourself. and in turn never provide them with anything they are looking for from me. 

because i would also not detriment any future relationships with maintaing contact with him. not because i would be some cheater but because he has proven to make inappropriate and disrespectful comments to other peoples spouses when he has a failed relationship with the person. and i want to respect my future partner enough that they wont have to endure that kind of treatment from someone who thinks they know me on an intimate level. 

i made a comment some weeks ago like i’m not going to walk away, i know you’re ill and unlike other people i’m not going to blame you for it. and he said that that had made him feel good and like he could lessen the anxiety of going away to work on his illness and then tonight he commented that i would probably “fuck off” within a few days of him leaving. 

and then i think about asia o’hara. and how this is my only reference to anyone without parents in any circumstance that is moderately close to my age. and like all these things she does and says - i get it. i know where its coming from. and one of the last few thngs she said on the runway was that she was put on this earth to serve. and you will feel that way when you lose parents or they become ill before they die. you are here to serve an make other peoples lives better. and  feel that. ive felt that. i felt that standing in my fathers living room realizing no one would ever know what this was. if i did not exist my fathers life wouldve been worse. so my existences purpose was to make his better. not to like go out and succeed and be amillionaire and put him in a house. but to serve, to make it my life to make another persons life better and i could expect absolutely nothing at all for it. like my life mightve gotten worse for it. but to this day i am not regretful at all. i couldve went to school and had luxurious jobs and did all the things. i couldve. but instead i stayed home and cared for this stubborn sick man who got up every day for 35 years at 4am to drive a transport truck on winter canadian highways for 14 hours a day. my existence was to see that. i was supposed to see that. i was put on this earth to see my fathers life and to honor that he existed and he worked and he lived and he breathed and people should know this. 

she said, “ive learned that friendships have become extremely important and i treat them like family to me” and thats not wrong. thats another person just like me who is saying because i have no family, the people in my life are going to take a bigger step because i do not have the responsibilites or obligations to distract me from helping the greater good. 

and m so sad. i could scream from teh top of my building how sad i am and cauterwall like a cat in heat. and im hurt. and im so many things.

but this sick man, who is leaving for months, took the time to ave this conversation because i began the threat that what we currently had was going to be over on his return. and we cannot define what this is. but if you believe you will return and i will be adoring and in love and fascinated and interested by all your tales - probably not. and he is saying, “i may never see you again”, “i cant make any commitments to you.” “i cant tell you whats going to happen” and the ease of the relationship has ended, and he is saying “we are broken up, this is not a relationship anymore” but the conversation continues. no.

no.

its not a conversation as i sit silently tears streaming down my face as he rants on and on about things, contradicting himself at every turn. and hes “angry” but hes not angry, and hes upset that he’s worried about me like he’s never been in love before. he’s upset he doesnt want to leave because hes worried about me like hes never been in love before. and it all sounds so .. psychotic. and he hangs up, and i call back and he answers and he doesnt want to do this and he cant do this and hes done everything he possibly can for me. 

i could choose to put myself aside and serve the “greater good” of this person “becoming better”. and by doing this i take full acknowledgement that i could receive absolutely nothing in return. i could be shit on again. i coul watch this person fall in love with someone else (they will) and i have to have the strength to be happy for them because theyve reached “better”. i guess im like.. disappointed in myself that im not better than i thought i was because of my history. like i should be able to accept this opportunity to fulfill my fucking existence but im really ... begrudging my exstence because im still resentful for not getting anthing for my father.

like not like money or anythng but like you get literally nothing. no praise. people literally question whether you should even be applauded for it like it was your job anyways. and thats such a dark side to humanity that you have to remain positive and loyal and “happy” while witnessing all of this and carrying like the burdens this had all created for you. 

and i guess i kind of lost respect but i dont think ram dass would say thats okay because i lost respect for the fact he became worn out by being a caregiver. but only a few people in the world are legitimately care givers. you have to truly have something in your soul in order to endure the care of others. and not everyone has this. this is why we have to like super respect nurses and people like that because they are care givers. we respect mothers because they are primary (usually) care givers. they are always obligated. mom has to be there, period. many women upon giving birth learn the trait of being a care giver. and like many women will live until they give birth being selfish ungiving pieces of shit and then spend the rest of their lives caring for someone else. 

my care giving is an extremely respectable part of my character. if not the most respectable part. but i have lost alot of this trait over the past three years - i never asked my dad for anything in return. like yeah he already ~ gave me things but i never was like hey ill do ths an this for you if you give me 10$. like hes not paying me to do his groceries. hes not paying me to change his bandages. im not asking him to do that either. nor am i trading any service with him - i dont change hs bandage for him to make me lunch. i am just serving him as a care giver and you will not get anything in return and a good and true care giver expects nothing. i am no longer this person. i went kind of backwards  in life and i worry now that maybe ive become sooo jaded that maybe i will never truly be a care giver again.

and of course. of course i dont need to at all give this care to a capable grown ass priviledged man. i absolutely do not. is this even the most deserving person? 

i dont necessarily have to jump to a decision right now because the next three months will dictate it for me but i would love to break the cycle by making a commitment to myself on a decision/action i will take and living with the responsibility of that action because if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice. 

and my gut says no. my depression says yes. my depression is very desperate and i think holds on to things that arent there. my gut says no, dont support ths person. our call ended with, “ill call you in a few days”. to which i feel like - why bother? i cant actually speak about how i feel about anything and ill just have to sit and listen to his stories about whatever the fuck he did. and i dont care. and i cant pretend to care and i cant pretend to be happy for his decision i barely respect. 

i dont wan tto spend my summer looking forward to his calls, you know? i just want to let it go and have my mourning period and move on. 

and maybe its shitty of me but i hope he feels guilty and i hope its hard for him. i do. because thats the result of a decision that cant be respected. and thats how you should feel when you go through with it. because honestly? none of this is real and its a projection of the fear of losing me. if it doesnt matter we wouldnt have had the conversation. 

and yes, the moment he sleeps with someone else this will all be over for me. and thats the result of being involved with someone who is monogamous. thats a choice he made and will probably make and when youre a hundred miles away, i never have to care about you or choose to see you again. like even with my oshawa ex i fet like i hope he feels like shit. not because i want to be with him but beause he deserves to feel that way. it doesnt even benefit me. you just deserve it. 

i do not regret not spending another night with a mentally ill person. i wish i couldve spent the last night with a person i loved but it wasnt able to happen. 

he told me i should “take this as a wake up call” to have “more than him” in my life nd i dont believe at all thats what it is. its a wake up call to learn how to take care of myself - n all ways. like no one else can or will or should fulfill anything in my life, i should fulfill everything that i need. so that i make a choice as to who to be around. i will have to live more frugally and learn how to moderate my pleasures. 

i am disappointed that again i feel like if i do talk to him that i will begin to lie because i want to be left alone. i do not want to be told what to do or that what im doing isnt enough. i jsut want to tell him what he wants to hear. like i want to tell him that ive gotten a job but the job is on a farm. i want to say that like im already doing what he said he wanted to do. and like i want to be fulfilled with myself so that when i lie and say that this farm is owned by some family who treated me kindly and i felt ths and this its just a personification of my self improvement. llike im half way into it anyways - i lie about a therapist to justify things i already fucking know but no one listens to me so i hve to make up ths story to make it sound like it didnt come from me and now its respectable. 

so fine. ill ‘see a therapist’ and ‘go to work’. but again, i’m not really going to talk in detail about these things. and if he asks  i would just tell him that its just something im doing and im not interested in talking about it. that it doesnt define me or anything in my life at all. it gives me an ongoing excuse to turn down phone calls or texts when im not prepared to answer them at that time as well. remaining silent is just not good enough. 

ive been a very honest person in my life and i think its time for me to be selfish in order to et myself to the next step and it sounds really stupid to be dishonest to better myself and attempt to regain my care giving traits nd maybe itll all blow up in my face and ill learn a new lesson but for now this is how im going to sleep. i will tell him its my therapists advice not to talk to him about these things until weve established a mutually respectful way of communicating and if we dont it doesnt matter what i did or did not tell him because it literally doesnt matter. if he is capable of maintaining his own interest in my life then maybe ill open up more - he can either work towards that to be a mature, respectful human begin or disregard it and any sort of relationship between us. of course, the position is just a summer job, giving me an out if ths somehow lasts the summer. 

tomorrow i have to go through excruciating pain - again for my fucking cyst and i have contract testing at some point and i really want to do these things on my own and grab my last weed for like a week and just exist. not for a week. id like to wake up and do shit on friday too. and i know so hard that depression will be the firs tthing i feel when i wake up. and as the days go on its going be even harder and sadder but i just have to figure it out an get myself through it. 

[spilling-thoughts-blog1]

a collection of my honest (yet irrelevant) thoughts. | wednesday 8/30/2017 |

current adventure: college. 

I feel stupid sitting on a bench on campus writing a post to (possibly) nobody; but after 3 classes (with another one today) spanning these first three days of college, I feel like I need to write it out. crying can only relieve so much in all honesty. so emo, my apologies. 

classes started Monday, 8/28/30 and from the moment I woke up on Sunday, I've felt so empty and drained despite only taking two hour-and-twenty-minute long classes. Monday was okay. Class let out 30 minutes early, and since it was my only class of the day I walked a few blocks down to Girlfriend’s campus. Her school is insanely nice, just my style. Very industrial, modern, and taken care of. A drastic difference to my school. 

Its dirty and old (not a cute-worn though, it just looks like it hasnt been taken care of) and the kids are crusty bums. Granted, Girlfriend’s school has weirdos, lots of them, but theres a sense of safety because you know they won't try to shank you if you bump them! I don't have that luxury here. Her school is a private art school, mine is just the local community college. gotta save those dollars.

Anyways. On Monday I sat on a bench (at Girlfriend’s school,) similar to this one, but I had the grass next to me instead of the dirt and sticks here and a young guy was cutting the lawn and it was quiet (aside from the lawnmower) and pretty and I felt like I was at home. The guy was nice, he felt bad asking me to move for a second so he could cut the grass next to me. If I was at my school I bet they would have just mowed right over my folders. Girlfriend got out of class after about an hour of me sitting on her campus and I got to see her for a few minutes, really the only other time I’ve seen her aside from the 20 minute car ride to school (which is two days a week keep in mind.) 

We used to hang out everyday. Senior year was the best because I got to see her during practically every period (1st, 2nd, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th actually... that is a lot lol) and then we would hang out after school. Perk of your girlfriend not driving- you have an excuse to see her more often; she has to run errands, she needs a ride home, she needs a ride to, etc etc. 

The smell of funnel cake keeps distracting me. I don't think theres any funnel cake, it just smells fried and sweet because the cafeteria is behind me and I'm getting hungry for the first time this week.

Not seeing her is one of the shittiest parts of college so far. I really miss her. Her classes are super long, each one at least 2 hours long I believe, and even though our schools are less than a 10 minute walk from each other, I can't see her because when she gets out of class, I'm just going into class. I also hate not seeing any familiar faces. Yeah, you have to make friends blah blah blah, but its a shock going from my nice high school with students I’d gone to school with since middle school; some even elementary school to this. sounds privileged, in know... I don't know why it keeps surprising me as well seeing full on adults walking into classes. Good for them though. 

My next class starts in 40 minutes (at 11:00 and its 10:17) but I’ll probably head up in a few. It’s a 2 hour and 50 minute class and I didn't bring any of the 6 books we have to read because I already had my two English books and I didn't want to lug 8 novels around in my backpack, especially since we haven't needed any of our books on the first day. But then again, its a 3 hour class and I doubt we’ll get out that early. 

Ew it smells like kerosene... not my favorite smell by far. They're setting up lame tables and tents and “Week of Welcome” activities. Will I participate? no. Am I the cause of my misery and tears thus far? Mostly. 

I read up on all of my professors I could find on “rate my professor” and this next one seems super fun. He has like, 4.4/5 review and apparently he's hot. everyone said his class is easy too which is a bonus. The reviews weren't too wrong about my Comp 2 professor, they didn't speak too highly of her. Right now I'm not a fan. She comes to class 5 minutes before it begins and seems very disorganized. I really don't like that. My Psych teacher is an absolute loon, but I feel like thats to be expected from a community college psychology professor. No offense if thats what you want to be, or if your favorite professor (or family member) is one. Just my honest thoughts. 

The sun came out, thats nice. Eases my anxiety a little bit when its nice out. 

Jesus Christ (pardon my language if it offends you) Chris brown just started blaring out of the welcome week speakers. they're trying to make this shitty cheap ass campus a party. no thank you. “now everybody put your hands in the air. yeah yeah yeah.” its lit. sense the sarcasm.

Hopefully this class will be better and when I get home (1:50 can't come soon enough) the feeling of empty darkness inside of me that has lingered for the past 3 days will subside a little bit. I won't get my hopes up. I should start a tear jar, a warning to seniors.

WHEN I SAY I WANT TO SEE FAMILIAR FACES I DONT MEAN THE CRUSTY MEAN FUCKBOYS I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH. I WANT TO SEE MY FRIENDS; OH WAIT, THEYRE ALL OVER ACHIEVERS AND NICE KIDS AND ARE AWAY AT SCHOOLS LIVING FUN LIVES AND BEING HAPPY, OR AT PRIVATE SCHOOLS RIGHT DOWN THE STREET BUSY DOING AMAZING ART. now its glamorous. good thing Fergie spells G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S because I don't think half of these kids can.

its been a while, its almost 5:30 now. my 3 hour class was boring as hell. he is not hot, nor young and he was 5 minutes late to class. you can hear him suck back his snot every few minutes and choke on it a little. but his class will be easy so thats great. I'm just questioning whether I need it or not. 

I haven't cried yet today, we’ll see how I feel later though. I miss Girlfriend. She’ll be home soon but I’ll bet you she’ll have to eat dinner as soon as she gets home, and then she’ll start her homework. nobody disrupts her art, not even me so I'll get to talk to her before bed for a few before I pass out at 10:00. It sucks because I was supposed to see Her Friday after my morning class ends, because she doesn't have class but then my new manager asked if I could come in. so instead of finally spending a day with her I'll be getting trained. my old manager is starting at the new store which is why I'm coming with him, but he has to get trained first, so really, its like starting a new job completely. I don't know why I decided it would be a good idea to switch jobs the first week of school. granted, there was no way in hell I would have stayed at my old job. I just should have waited until this first God awful week was over. but thats just my luck. 

Im always so tired now. I say always like its been a few weeks of school when really its been 4 days. mom asked if I wanted to go on a walk with the family, and of course I said no. “it’ll be good for your mental health” ahh I see, she can see me slowly slipping downhill again and wants to prevent it. well, I don't think a walk is going to make me feel much better about the fact that my school is dirty and the hallway I was in for my last class smelled horrible, which obviously worsened my mood, and the added fact that I'm starting a new job this week and don't know what I should wear. oh, and the other fact that I don't get to see my girlfriend anymore already and its only been 4 days. 

I had a bad feeling when She had her orientation and made her schedule. I new going to different schools would be horrible, but I didn't realize it would be like this. she's actually having fun and enjoying herself and making a few friends, and then theres me and I'm miserable and still have yet to speak to anyone really and she can't text in class when I'm out of class and I can't text in class when she's out. so thats great. I'm just waiting for the day she says someones flirting with her and she doesn't hate it. perks of dating a poly. I can't say no and deny her, especially when I'm not doing anything for her, or even seeing her, when someone else sees her almost every day. here come the watery eyes. plus, those kids are so much like her, they share her biggest passion. She always says she could never date someone who does what she does because it would be too much competition, but I feel like she's going to meet a photographer or videographer and it’ll be different enough to not impede on her talent, but it'll be similar enough that it’s great conversation and bonding. I'm just a jealous girlfriend, and college for us is looking to be the way I thought it would.

so, a summery for my future self who doesn't want to listen to this pity party:

Wednesday august 30, 2017. college sucks, I cry everyday, I hate my cheap dirty school and lame ass professors, I hardly see Girlfriend already, her experience is going great and I’m stressed af about starting a new job. countdown to the end of the semester-  74 days, 15 weeks, roughly 3.75 months, aka, too long to keep doing this shit. 

[jimdsmith34]

The 6 Red Flags About My Relationship That Showed Me I Needed To End It

Theres no hurt quite like heartbreak, but sometimes, its necessary. Money, sex (or lack thereof), and different ambitions can sometimes put the lid on a relationship.

While theres something to be said for working things out, sometimes, breaking up is the only thing to do.

At the time, it might behard to articulate why itdidnt work out, but theres a reason for the term 20/20 hindsight. Time has a great way of putting it all in perspective.

When you look back on the slips and stumbles that led to your breakup, youll probably see that the signs something wasnt working out were all there.

And if youre anything like me, youll probably feel residual guilt.

Dont beat yourself up. There were reasons why it wasnt working out. Have confidencethat the break was necessary. It really wasnt supposed to be so much work.

Here are the things that showed me it was time to end my relationship:

1. I Was Always Stressed

Like the old saying about a frog in a pot of boiling water,the anxiety crept up so slowly on me that I got used to it over time.

It wasnt until the relationship was over and my heartbreak had healed that the knot in my stomach loosened and the tension in my shoulders uncoiled.

Most likely, the stress came from a combination of issuesthat werent completely about the relationship. In fact, it was probably pretty likely that a lot of stress from my life of my relationship contributed to stress it.

Money was the main one. I wasnt making enough, and he was makingless. Two of my past boyfriendshave been crushed by student debt,whichlimited their imagination for a future.

It was also difficultto scrounge up the savings to do something fun together. Because of that lack of imagination, they werealso probably more likely to spend extra dough on beer.

Money wasnt the only thing hurting those relationships, and I definitely dont believe I should have ended itbecause we didnt have money or my partnerwas in debt.

When it comes to health, though, Im a firmbeliever ineverybody doing whatis best for themselves.

2. We Were No Longer Emotionally Or Physically Intimate

I am anfan of feelings, as thecrybaby tattoo on my thigh would tell you. If I had to describe what kind of man I go for, I would probably use the word weeping in my description.

It surprised even me then, when I broke up with my first boyfriend because a TV show made him sob.

Again, as with all breakups, this wasnt theonlyreason I needed to end things. The truth was, we had been growing apart for quite some time. The distance between us was not only emotional, but physical as well.

Sex definitely shouldnt be the only thing keeping a relationship together. However, physical intimacy is like the lubricant that I think most relationships need. Sex makes arguments seem less significant, and it can wipe away a bad day at work with some tangible, physical feels.

After more than two years together, though, early infatuation had worn off, and wehad stopped having sex. And pretty soon, that meant that we grew farther apart in other ways, and the distance was impossible to close.

So when I looked over at my boyfriends tear-streaked face during the final episode of and yelled at him about how the show was justevil war propaganda, and therefore, he shouldnt be sad? I didntthink that it wasnt OK for him to cry.

I was just angry because I used to understand him, and I no longer did.

3. I Lost Touch With My Friends

That first relationship, the one I was just referring to, isolated me in more than one way. It was the first time I had been seriously involved with a person, and as we got together just after I graduated college, it was a period of enormous transition.

During our first few months together, myfriends were also goingoff to other cities to pursue their dreams. I missed them, of course, but I didnt have the strong urge to meet new people the way I would if I was single. I thought that my boyfriend could meet all of those needs.

I was wrong, though, as I would come to learn.Partners cannot be everything to one another, and its important tohave robustfriendships outside of them. Otherwise, youre placing a lot of burden on the relationship. Under all of that pressure, it was no wonder that things started to crumble.

I could have made new friends, of course, but my boyfriend was reluctant for me to spend time with other people.He was clingier than I was,and I didnt want to hurt him. So I allowed it, even though I knew it was making me unhappy.

If I had listened to myself then, I wouldnt have madeof us so miserable at the end.

4. He Wouldnt Give Me Space

Now that Ive been through a few rough breakups, I think I know that, in a securerelationship, a couple can give one another what each personneeds tofeelwhole in themselves, without relying on the other person.

Of course, I haventbeen in a relationship thats like that yet, but thats what I hear.

When my first relationship was on the rocks, I tried to take a few steps back to breathe and figure out what I really wanted.

My boyfriend said he was OK with a break, but still found a way to be near me: getting off his commuter bus right outside of the library where I would be studying, drinking at the bar where I was going with my friend, and even going so far as to guiltme into bringing him home to my parents for Thanksgiving.

If things were going swimmingly, I wouldnt have needed so much spacein the first place. And Im not sure that things would have lasted even if he granted it.

But the fact that he couldnt even grant a bit of freedom to me? Well, that told me everything.

5. He Projected His Failures On Me

Even as I write these words yearslater,I feelguilty. I feelthe immediate need to backpedal and saythat I dont reallymy ex-boyfriend was a failure that he was successful in all other ways than me.

I want to say, Guys, I swear, I dont mean it! He was good at his job! He probably has gotten a raise and makes more than me now! Heck, he even has a 401(k), and I have zero money in savings, so hell be able to retire one day!

See how I do that? See how I make myself smaller?

That instinct runsdeep with me. The bolder truth is that I amgood at things, but more than one boyfriend have found little ways to disempower me and takeme down.

One boyfriend would always tell me that it washard to make money as a writer. That I could write a book, but it was unlikely that it would get picked up by a major publisher, and even then, I wouldnt make enough to live on.

Healsoworked in publishingso hewould know.

Another boyfriend once cried to me thatwanted to be a writer, and didnt understand why I could do it and he couldnt.

Now, Im lucky enough to know that I just dont have time for that. The moment somebody tried to make more room for their ego by minimizing mine, Ineeded to end my relationship.

Your friends will tell youthat you were built to fly. Your partner should, too.

6. I Wanted MoreWhile He Wanted Less

I can look back at every single one of my breakups whether or not I was the person who initiated it and see that, ultimately, it came down to one of us wanting more than the other could give.

I broke up with my first boyfriend when I was 24 years old because I wanted more of. I wanted to grow as a person. I wanted to make new friends.

Yes, I also wanted to experience more lovers, even if it came with more heartbreak.

As for him, hehad been settled for a while. Its been over three years, and he still works in the same office and lives in the same house. I moved and changed jobs at least seven times before getting out of that city altogether.

Thats not to say that either path is good or bad. Its just what happened. If we had gotten married, it wouldnt have been right.

As a matter of fact, Im pretty sure hes getting married to the next girl he met very soon. And Im perfectly fine with it not being me.

My next boyfriend wanted less of an emotional commitment. Hedidnt want to take trips together and hated saying I love you. We were not moving toward anything and, with the exception of number four, all of the above symptoms had set in.

Both of those boyfriendswere completely different, to the extent that I even feel like I was somebody else when I was withthem.

Thinking about it now, that might be the biggest sign that I needed to end my relationship, but I couldnt have known that at the time.

Because first, I had to find myself.

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/28/the-6-red-flags-about-my-relationship-that-showed-me-i-needed-to-end-it/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/06/the-6-red-flags-about-my-relationship.html

[adambstingus]

The 6 Red Flags About My Relationship That Showed Me I Needed To End It

Theres no hurt quite like heartbreak, but sometimes, its necessary. Money, sex (or lack thereof), and different ambitions can sometimes put the lid on a relationship.

While theres something to be said for working things out, sometimes, breaking up is the only thing to do.

At the time, it might behard to articulate why itdidnt work out, but theres a reason for the term 20/20 hindsight. Time has a great way of putting it all in perspective.

When you look back on the slips and stumbles that led to your breakup, youll probably see that the signs something wasnt working out were all there.

And if youre anything like me, youll probably feel residual guilt.

Dont beat yourself up. There were reasons why it wasnt working out. Have confidencethat the break was necessary. It really wasnt supposed to be so much work.

Here are the things that showed me it was time to end my relationship:

1. I Was Always Stressed

Like the old saying about a frog in a pot of boiling water,the anxiety crept up so slowly on me that I got used to it over time.

It wasnt until the relationship was over and my heartbreak had healed that the knot in my stomach loosened and the tension in my shoulders uncoiled.

Most likely, the stress came from a combination of issuesthat werent completely about the relationship. In fact, it was probably pretty likely that a lot of stress from my life of my relationship contributed to stress it.

Money was the main one. I wasnt making enough, and he was makingless. Two of my past boyfriendshave been crushed by student debt,whichlimited their imagination for a future.

It was also difficultto scrounge up the savings to do something fun together. Because of that lack of imagination, they werealso probably more likely to spend extra dough on beer.

Money wasnt the only thing hurting those relationships, and I definitely dont believe I should have ended itbecause we didnt have money or my partnerwas in debt.

When it comes to health, though, Im a firmbeliever ineverybody doing whatis best for themselves.

2. We Were No Longer Emotionally Or Physically Intimate

I am anfan of feelings, as thecrybaby tattoo on my thigh would tell you. If I had to describe what kind of man I go for, I would probably use the word weeping in my description.

It surprised even me then, when I broke up with my first boyfriend because a TV show made him sob.

Again, as with all breakups, this wasnt theonlyreason I needed to end things. The truth was, we had been growing apart for quite some time. The distance between us was not only emotional, but physical as well.

Sex definitely shouldnt be the only thing keeping a relationship together. However, physical intimacy is like the lubricant that I think most relationships need. Sex makes arguments seem less significant, and it can wipe away a bad day at work with some tangible, physical feels.

After more than two years together, though, early infatuation had worn off, and wehad stopped having sex. And pretty soon, that meant that we grew farther apart in other ways, and the distance was impossible to close.

So when I looked over at my boyfriends tear-streaked face during the final episode of and yelled at him about how the show was justevil war propaganda, and therefore, he shouldnt be sad? I didntthink that it wasnt OK for him to cry.

I was just angry because I used to understand him, and I no longer did.

3. I Lost Touch With My Friends

That first relationship, the one I was just referring to, isolated me in more than one way. It was the first time I had been seriously involved with a person, and as we got together just after I graduated college, it was a period of enormous transition.

During our first few months together, myfriends were also goingoff to other cities to pursue their dreams. I missed them, of course, but I didnt have the strong urge to meet new people the way I would if I was single. I thought that my boyfriend could meet all of those needs.

I was wrong, though, as I would come to learn.Partners cannot be everything to one another, and its important tohave robustfriendships outside of them. Otherwise, youre placing a lot of burden on the relationship. Under all of that pressure, it was no wonder that things started to crumble.

I could have made new friends, of course, but my boyfriend was reluctant for me to spend time with other people.He was clingier than I was,and I didnt want to hurt him. So I allowed it, even though I knew it was making me unhappy.

If I had listened to myself then, I wouldnt have madeof us so miserable at the end.

4. He Wouldnt Give Me Space

Now that Ive been through a few rough breakups, I think I know that, in a securerelationship, a couple can give one another what each personneeds tofeelwhole in themselves, without relying on the other person.

Of course, I haventbeen in a relationship thats like that yet, but thats what I hear.

When my first relationship was on the rocks, I tried to take a few steps back to breathe and figure out what I really wanted.

My boyfriend said he was OK with a break, but still found a way to be near me: getting off his commuter bus right outside of the library where I would be studying, drinking at the bar where I was going with my friend, and even going so far as to guiltme into bringing him home to my parents for Thanksgiving.

If things were going swimmingly, I wouldnt have needed so much spacein the first place. And Im not sure that things would have lasted even if he granted it.

But the fact that he couldnt even grant a bit of freedom to me? Well, that told me everything.

5. He Projected His Failures On Me

Even as I write these words yearslater,I feelguilty. I feelthe immediate need to backpedal and saythat I dont reallymy ex-boyfriend was a failure that he was successful in all other ways than me.

I want to say, Guys, I swear, I dont mean it! He was good at his job! He probably has gotten a raise and makes more than me now! Heck, he even has a 401(k), and I have zero money in savings, so hell be able to retire one day!

See how I do that? See how I make myself smaller?

That instinct runsdeep with me. The bolder truth is that I amgood at things, but more than one boyfriend have found little ways to disempower me and takeme down.

One boyfriend would always tell me that it washard to make money as a writer. That I could write a book, but it was unlikely that it would get picked up by a major publisher, and even then, I wouldnt make enough to live on.

Healsoworked in publishingso hewould know.

Another boyfriend once cried to me thatwanted to be a writer, and didnt understand why I could do it and he couldnt.

Now, Im lucky enough to know that I just dont have time for that. The moment somebody tried to make more room for their ego by minimizing mine, Ineeded to end my relationship.

Your friends will tell youthat you were built to fly. Your partner should, too.

6. I Wanted MoreWhile He Wanted Less

I can look back at every single one of my breakups whether or not I was the person who initiated it and see that, ultimately, it came down to one of us wanting more than the other could give.

I broke up with my first boyfriend when I was 24 years old because I wanted more of. I wanted to grow as a person. I wanted to make new friends.

Yes, I also wanted to experience more lovers, even if it came with more heartbreak.

As for him, hehad been settled for a while. Its been over three years, and he still works in the same office and lives in the same house. I moved and changed jobs at least seven times before getting out of that city altogether.

Thats not to say that either path is good or bad. Its just what happened. If we had gotten married, it wouldnt have been right.

As a matter of fact, Im pretty sure hes getting married to the next girl he met very soon. And Im perfectly fine with it not being me.

My next boyfriend wanted less of an emotional commitment. Hedidnt want to take trips together and hated saying I love you. We were not moving toward anything and, with the exception of number four, all of the above symptoms had set in.

Both of those boyfriendswere completely different, to the extent that I even feel like I was somebody else when I was withthem.

Thinking about it now, that might be the biggest sign that I needed to end my relationship, but I couldnt have known that at the time.

Because first, I had to find myself.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/28/the-6-red-flags-about-my-relationship-that-showed-me-i-needed-to-end-it/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/162338064777

[samanthasroberts]

The 6 Red Flags About My Relationship That Showed Me I Needed To End It

Theres no hurt quite like heartbreak, but sometimes, its necessary. Money, sex (or lack thereof), and different ambitions can sometimes put the lid on a relationship.

While theres something to be said for working things out, sometimes, breaking up is the only thing to do.

At the time, it might behard to articulate why itdidnt work out, but theres a reason for the term 20/20 hindsight. Time has a great way of putting it all in perspective.

When you look back on the slips and stumbles that led to your breakup, youll probably see that the signs something wasnt working out were all there.

And if youre anything like me, youll probably feel residual guilt.

Dont beat yourself up. There were reasons why it wasnt working out. Have confidencethat the break was necessary. It really wasnt supposed to be so much work.

Here are the things that showed me it was time to end my relationship:

1. I Was Always Stressed

Like the old saying about a frog in a pot of boiling water,the anxiety crept up so slowly on me that I got used to it over time.

It wasnt until the relationship was over and my heartbreak had healed that the knot in my stomach loosened and the tension in my shoulders uncoiled.

Most likely, the stress came from a combination of issuesthat werent completely about the relationship. In fact, it was probably pretty likely that a lot of stress from my life of my relationship contributed to stress it.

Money was the main one. I wasnt making enough, and he was makingless. Two of my past boyfriendshave been crushed by student debt,whichlimited their imagination for a future.

It was also difficultto scrounge up the savings to do something fun together. Because of that lack of imagination, they werealso probably more likely to spend extra dough on beer.

Money wasnt the only thing hurting those relationships, and I definitely dont believe I should have ended itbecause we didnt have money or my partnerwas in debt.

When it comes to health, though, Im a firmbeliever ineverybody doing whatis best for themselves.

2. We Were No Longer Emotionally Or Physically Intimate

I am anfan of feelings, as thecrybaby tattoo on my thigh would tell you. If I had to describe what kind of man I go for, I would probably use the word weeping in my description.

It surprised even me then, when I broke up with my first boyfriend because a TV show made him sob.

Again, as with all breakups, this wasnt theonlyreason I needed to end things. The truth was, we had been growing apart for quite some time. The distance between us was not only emotional, but physical as well.

Sex definitely shouldnt be the only thing keeping a relationship together. However, physical intimacy is like the lubricant that I think most relationships need. Sex makes arguments seem less significant, and it can wipe away a bad day at work with some tangible, physical feels.

After more than two years together, though, early infatuation had worn off, and wehad stopped having sex. And pretty soon, that meant that we grew farther apart in other ways, and the distance was impossible to close.

So when I looked over at my boyfriends tear-streaked face during the final episode of and yelled at him about how the show was justevil war propaganda, and therefore, he shouldnt be sad? I didntthink that it wasnt OK for him to cry.

I was just angry because I used to understand him, and I no longer did.

3. I Lost Touch With My Friends

That first relationship, the one I was just referring to, isolated me in more than one way. It was the first time I had been seriously involved with a person, and as we got together just after I graduated college, it was a period of enormous transition.

During our first few months together, myfriends were also goingoff to other cities to pursue their dreams. I missed them, of course, but I didnt have the strong urge to meet new people the way I would if I was single. I thought that my boyfriend could meet all of those needs.

I was wrong, though, as I would come to learn.Partners cannot be everything to one another, and its important tohave robustfriendships outside of them. Otherwise, youre placing a lot of burden on the relationship. Under all of that pressure, it was no wonder that things started to crumble.

I could have made new friends, of course, but my boyfriend was reluctant for me to spend time with other people.He was clingier than I was,and I didnt want to hurt him. So I allowed it, even though I knew it was making me unhappy.

If I had listened to myself then, I wouldnt have madeof us so miserable at the end.

4. He Wouldnt Give Me Space

Now that Ive been through a few rough breakups, I think I know that, in a securerelationship, a couple can give one another what each personneeds tofeelwhole in themselves, without relying on the other person.

Of course, I haventbeen in a relationship thats like that yet, but thats what I hear.

When my first relationship was on the rocks, I tried to take a few steps back to breathe and figure out what I really wanted.

My boyfriend said he was OK with a break, but still found a way to be near me: getting off his commuter bus right outside of the library where I would be studying, drinking at the bar where I was going with my friend, and even going so far as to guiltme into bringing him home to my parents for Thanksgiving.

If things were going swimmingly, I wouldnt have needed so much spacein the first place. And Im not sure that things would have lasted even if he granted it.

But the fact that he couldnt even grant a bit of freedom to me? Well, that told me everything.

5. He Projected His Failures On Me

Even as I write these words yearslater,I feelguilty. I feelthe immediate need to backpedal and saythat I dont reallymy ex-boyfriend was a failure that he was successful in all other ways than me.

I want to say, Guys, I swear, I dont mean it! He was good at his job! He probably has gotten a raise and makes more than me now! Heck, he even has a 401(k), and I have zero money in savings, so hell be able to retire one day!

See how I do that? See how I make myself smaller?

That instinct runsdeep with me. The bolder truth is that I amgood at things, but more than one boyfriend have found little ways to disempower me and takeme down.

One boyfriend would always tell me that it washard to make money as a writer. That I could write a book, but it was unlikely that it would get picked up by a major publisher, and even then, I wouldnt make enough to live on.

Healsoworked in publishingso hewould know.

Another boyfriend once cried to me thatwanted to be a writer, and didnt understand why I could do it and he couldnt.

Now, Im lucky enough to know that I just dont have time for that. The moment somebody tried to make more room for their ego by minimizing mine, Ineeded to end my relationship.

Your friends will tell youthat you were built to fly. Your partner should, too.

6. I Wanted MoreWhile He Wanted Less

I can look back at every single one of my breakups whether or not I was the person who initiated it and see that, ultimately, it came down to one of us wanting more than the other could give.

I broke up with my first boyfriend when I was 24 years old because I wanted more of. I wanted to grow as a person. I wanted to make new friends.

Yes, I also wanted to experience more lovers, even if it came with more heartbreak.

As for him, hehad been settled for a while. Its been over three years, and he still works in the same office and lives in the same house. I moved and changed jobs at least seven times before getting out of that city altogether.

Thats not to say that either path is good or bad. Its just what happened. If we had gotten married, it wouldnt have been right.

As a matter of fact, Im pretty sure hes getting married to the next girl he met very soon. And Im perfectly fine with it not being me.

My next boyfriend wanted less of an emotional commitment. Hedidnt want to take trips together and hated saying I love you. We were not moving toward anything and, with the exception of number four, all of the above symptoms had set in.

Both of those boyfriendswere completely different, to the extent that I even feel like I was somebody else when I was withthem.

Thinking about it now, that might be the biggest sign that I needed to end my relationship, but I couldnt have known that at the time.

Because first, I had to find myself.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/28/the-6-red-flags-about-my-relationship-that-showed-me-i-needed-to-end-it/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/28/the-6-red-flags-about-my-relationship-that-showed-me-i-needed-to-end-it/

[allofbeercom]

The 6 Red Flags About My Relationship That Showed Me I Needed To End It

Theres no hurt quite like heartbreak, but sometimes, its necessary. Money, sex (or lack thereof), and different ambitions can sometimes put the lid on a relationship.

While theres something to be said for working things out, sometimes, breaking up is the only thing to do.

At the time, it might behard to articulate why itdidnt work out, but theres a reason for the term 20/20 hindsight. Time has a great way of putting it all in perspective.

When you look back on the slips and stumbles that led to your breakup, youll probably see that the signs something wasnt working out were all there.

And if youre anything like me, youll probably feel residual guilt.

Dont beat yourself up. There were reasons why it wasnt working out. Have confidencethat the break was necessary. It really wasnt supposed to be so much work.

Here are the things that showed me it was time to end my relationship:

1. I Was Always Stressed

Like the old saying about a frog in a pot of boiling water,the anxiety crept up so slowly on me that I got used to it over time.

It wasnt until the relationship was over and my heartbreak had healed that the knot in my stomach loosened and the tension in my shoulders uncoiled.

Most likely, the stress came from a combination of issuesthat werent completely about the relationship. In fact, it was probably pretty likely that a lot of stress from my life of my relationship contributed to stress it.

Money was the main one. I wasnt making enough, and he was makingless. Two of my past boyfriendshave been crushed by student debt,whichlimited their imagination for a future.

It was also difficultto scrounge up the savings to do something fun together. Because of that lack of imagination, they werealso probably more likely to spend extra dough on beer.

Money wasnt the only thing hurting those relationships, and I definitely dont believe I should have ended itbecause we didnt have money or my partnerwas in debt.

When it comes to health, though, Im a firmbeliever ineverybody doing whatis best for themselves.

2. We Were No Longer Emotionally Or Physically Intimate

I am anfan of feelings, as thecrybaby tattoo on my thigh would tell you. If I had to describe what kind of man I go for, I would probably use the word weeping in my description.

It surprised even me then, when I broke up with my first boyfriend because a TV show made him sob.

Again, as with all breakups, this wasnt theonlyreason I needed to end things. The truth was, we had been growing apart for quite some time. The distance between us was not only emotional, but physical as well.

Sex definitely shouldnt be the only thing keeping a relationship together. However, physical intimacy is like the lubricant that I think most relationships need. Sex makes arguments seem less significant, and it can wipe away a bad day at work with some tangible, physical feels.

After more than two years together, though, early infatuation had worn off, and wehad stopped having sex. And pretty soon, that meant that we grew farther apart in other ways, and the distance was impossible to close.

So when I looked over at my boyfriends tear-streaked face during the final episode of and yelled at him about how the show was justevil war propaganda, and therefore, he shouldnt be sad? I didntthink that it wasnt OK for him to cry.

I was just angry because I used to understand him, and I no longer did.

3. I Lost Touch With My Friends

That first relationship, the one I was just referring to, isolated me in more than one way. It was the first time I had been seriously involved with a person, and as we got together just after I graduated college, it was a period of enormous transition.

During our first few months together, myfriends were also goingoff to other cities to pursue their dreams. I missed them, of course, but I didnt have the strong urge to meet new people the way I would if I was single. I thought that my boyfriend could meet all of those needs.

I was wrong, though, as I would come to learn.Partners cannot be everything to one another, and its important tohave robustfriendships outside of them. Otherwise, youre placing a lot of burden on the relationship. Under all of that pressure, it was no wonder that things started to crumble.

I could have made new friends, of course, but my boyfriend was reluctant for me to spend time with other people.He was clingier than I was,and I didnt want to hurt him. So I allowed it, even though I knew it was making me unhappy.

If I had listened to myself then, I wouldnt have madeof us so miserable at the end.

4. He Wouldnt Give Me Space

Now that Ive been through a few rough breakups, I think I know that, in a securerelationship, a couple can give one another what each personneeds tofeelwhole in themselves, without relying on the other person.

Of course, I haventbeen in a relationship thats like that yet, but thats what I hear.

When my first relationship was on the rocks, I tried to take a few steps back to breathe and figure out what I really wanted.

My boyfriend said he was OK with a break, but still found a way to be near me: getting off his commuter bus right outside of the library where I would be studying, drinking at the bar where I was going with my friend, and even going so far as to guiltme into bringing him home to my parents for Thanksgiving.

If things were going swimmingly, I wouldnt have needed so much spacein the first place. And Im not sure that things would have lasted even if he granted it.

But the fact that he couldnt even grant a bit of freedom to me? Well, that told me everything.

5. He Projected His Failures On Me

Even as I write these words yearslater,I feelguilty. I feelthe immediate need to backpedal and saythat I dont reallymy ex-boyfriend was a failure that he was successful in all other ways than me.

I want to say, Guys, I swear, I dont mean it! He was good at his job! He probably has gotten a raise and makes more than me now! Heck, he even has a 401(k), and I have zero money in savings, so hell be able to retire one day!

See how I do that? See how I make myself smaller?

That instinct runsdeep with me. The bolder truth is that I amgood at things, but more than one boyfriend have found little ways to disempower me and takeme down.

One boyfriend would always tell me that it washard to make money as a writer. That I could write a book, but it was unlikely that it would get picked up by a major publisher, and even then, I wouldnt make enough to live on.

Healsoworked in publishingso hewould know.

Another boyfriend once cried to me thatwanted to be a writer, and didnt understand why I could do it and he couldnt.

Now, Im lucky enough to know that I just dont have time for that. The moment somebody tried to make more room for their ego by minimizing mine, Ineeded to end my relationship.

Your friends will tell youthat you were built to fly. Your partner should, too.

6. I Wanted MoreWhile He Wanted Less

I can look back at every single one of my breakups whether or not I was the person who initiated it and see that, ultimately, it came down to one of us wanting more than the other could give.

I broke up with my first boyfriend when I was 24 years old because I wanted more of. I wanted to grow as a person. I wanted to make new friends.

Yes, I also wanted to experience more lovers, even if it came with more heartbreak.

As for him, hehad been settled for a while. Its been over three years, and he still works in the same office and lives in the same house. I moved and changed jobs at least seven times before getting out of that city altogether.

Thats not to say that either path is good or bad. Its just what happened. If we had gotten married, it wouldnt have been right.

As a matter of fact, Im pretty sure hes getting married to the next girl he met very soon. And Im perfectly fine with it not being me.

My next boyfriend wanted less of an emotional commitment. Hedidnt want to take trips together and hated saying I love you. We were not moving toward anything and, with the exception of number four, all of the above symptoms had set in.

Both of those boyfriendswere completely different, to the extent that I even feel like I was somebody else when I was withthem.

Thinking about it now, that might be the biggest sign that I needed to end my relationship, but I couldnt have known that at the time.

Because first, I had to find myself.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/28/the-6-red-flags-about-my-relationship-that-showed-me-i-needed-to-end-it/