#but there's a good amount of people well far in their adult years acting like this

[meimi-haneoka]

I know my last report is so long...and technically, I could've summarized so many of those info in shorter paragraphs.

But it's all intentional. I really wanted to write their dialogues out as far as possible, because I've noticed something in the fandom. I'm pretty sure this is not limited to CLAMP but to 'public figures' in general, especially on the internet.

I've noticed a sort of tendency to dehumanize these four women. Sometimes I come across comments that make my skin crawl. People calling them names, insults, "these old hags", people who think these four women should only live to satisfy the fandom's hunger for content, or their fetishes. They don't consider (and even if they do, they do not seem to know what the words 'be indulgent' mean) these are four human beings who have their lives, wishes, preferences, shortcomings, health problems, or even not a 100% great mental space.

I admit I have "joked" with heavy terms in private too, in the past. But lately, especially after they started to open the Twitter Spaces, showing their more "raw, genuine side" to us, and ever since my JP skills allowed me to understand them better, I can't bring myself to do that anymore. It might be because I'm getting old too and I understand painfully well what it means to begin having problems related to age (for memory or even physical pain), and the love and care (and often pain) that lie behind a piece of artwork, but I just can't help empathizing with them. Hearing them joking among each other, knowing how much they care for one another like sisters, hearing them talking so humbly about their work even after such a long time, getting to know when they're feeling sick and knowing their struggles because on the workplace they're like a machine that can work well only if all the components are in good condition...it really really makes you realize how human they are.

I think the turning point for me was when I heard one of the personal Spaces Ohkawa opened every morning for a week, while she was having breakfast, talking about various topics. In one of the firsts, she apologized because you could hear the noise of the washing machine working on the background. It struck me so powerfully. This is not some kind of unapproachable, inaccessible person living on another existential plane, this is a normal, regular human being who writes stories for a job but who's got to do laundry like every other regular person on this earth. They might drink champagne and go to fancy restaurants (but Ohkawa in particular is a fan of McDonald's too) but that doesn't mean that they lost their humanity.

And I found myself not wanting to partake in this stupid game of dehumanizing them anymore. Actually, with my translations, I want to try to make people see what I see too. Make them feel the "vibe" through their own words, because you can understand so much of them through the words they often use. Ohkawa might look like this merciless and whimsical boss, but she actually just loves the stories she envisioned very much, and she's ready to go through a shitstorm to defend her choices on the workplace.

She just feels a bit guilty that when there's criticism of her choices, the work of her colleagues gets dragged down along, but they're all in this together and they stick to one another tightly.

I can only do these translations when it's about CCS because they're exhausting to me and take me so much time, so my "brainrot" helps me push through to finish them. But at least for that, I want to try to do this, when I can.

[dc418writes]

talk so sweet when you’re doing bad things

✨Pairing✨: inmate!softdark!Steve Rogersxpsychiatrist!black!reader

Summary🪄: Your pining isn’t in vain

🚨: 18+ NO MINORS!, oral (m!receiving), unprotected happy adult times (please be safe out there guys and girls!), language, obsessive like behavior, implied stalking, mention of masturbation (f!receiving)

A/N🎤: ✨HAPPY SPOOKY SEASON🎃!!✨ this is my submission to the Horny Hoes Hootenanny hosted by @sweater-daddiesdumbdork and @yenzys-lucky-charm and I hope you guys like what I came up with☺️! Also please support the other works for this event and even submit your own if you feel inclined💕!

Fic inspo:

*DISCLAIMER!: I DO NOT CLAIM OWNERSHIP of pictures used as they were found on Pinterest*

Dialogue Prompt: “Don’t act all innocent when we both know where your mouth just was”

Tropes/Situational Prompt: the villain/monster has feelings (or thots) for you

You didn’t have to hear a name to know which escaped inmate the news anchors were currently talking about.

“Blonde white male, blue eyes, 6’3, considered highly dangerous.”

You knew him very well having had him as a patient for about a year now. Pretty much the same amount of time his hulking body - yet soft features - has plagued your dreams and hidden fantasies. That first night it happened, your imagination vividly playing in your resting mind how his thick fingers would touch you just right to have you writhing and moaning for more, you were…flustered.

It wasn’t the first time - and probably wouldn’t be the last - that a patient made a surprise appearance in one of your dreams. Details and analysis from earlier sessions still fresh in your subconscious and lingering into your resting state. It was how you felt afterwards though, that told you this instance was far different. You desperately - and a little shamefully - wished you could sink back into that erotic dreamland when you awoke throbbing and needy from the scenes now branded in your memory. Sometimes you even found yourself daydreaming about his muscular, tattooed arms wrapped tightly around you. His soft lips gently pecking along your face before journeying down your heated body to where you wanted him most. That dark beard scratching and tickling your inner thighs until it ultimately became soaked.

Although that hidden primal urge wanted differently, every day after you expertly maintained your professionalism during your sessions with him. Carefully dissecting his words and explanations to make sure he wasn’t a danger to himself or others - well, no more than what other people already believed that is.

However one day, something shifted.

Gone was his reserved attitude - clearly deciding whether to fully trust you - and instead, a man who seemed…one step ahead. Dare you say a little smug. Admittedly, this new aura had a familiar warmth spreading along your lower abdomen causing your thighs to squeeze together as you slightly shifted in your seat.

“So, how are you today Mr. Rogers?,” you asked turning to a fresh sheet of paper in your spiral notebook.

He sighs, briefly widening his thick legs as he gets comfortable. His tattooed hand scratching along his bearded jaw. “Good as I can be. And I think we’ve known each other long enough that you can call me Steve.”

“Is that what you would prefer?”

For the first time, a hint of a smirk paints his pink lips thinking of a few names he’d prefer you call him. It’s unknown to you though as your hand moves along the page scribbling notes. “Makes things more comfortable right?”

Finally you look up from your writing to meet an intensity in his sea like eyes you’ve never experienced. You can’t look away though as you feel yourself slowly become flustered. “Are you not comfortable during our sessions..Steve?”

He pauses for a moment simply letting his eyes roam along your features - as if analyzing you for a change - before leaning forward with elbows on his knees. “What’re you writing?”

“Just observations. Notes for your file.”

“We can’t make our own notes?”

“Um..of course. I would actually suggest journaling as a way to manage your emotions; your thoughts. Keeping up with other suggestions from our sessions you might find helpful.”

“And my own observations,” he adds leaning back in his chair. “Like you.”

“What exactly do you mean ‘like me’?”

“Like how you seem…different. Bothered maybe.” You subtly try to calm your increasing pulse as he crosses his arms across his chest. His muscles straining against the white tee that have you near dripping already. Swirls of black ink forming various pictures and cursive words on his arms teasingly persuading you to kiss each one.

There’s no way he could tell was there?

“Thank you for inquiring, but this session is about you Steve,” you answer closing the notebook in your lap. “And as a warning, that question is ina-,”

“Must be tiring though. Always doing for others, yet no one there for you.” Steve’s tongue peeks out ever so gently wetting his lips. “No one to take care of you.”

“I’m an adult. I care for myself.”

“My point exactly.” Steve’s head just barely tilts while his vice drops an octave lower. “We both know everyone shouldn’t do everything alone.”

“I think we’re done here,” you quickly respond so he couldn’t go farther and crumble your resolve. “Have a good day Mr. Rogers.”

There’s a slight mischievous tilt to his lips as he stands. Cords of muscles moving under his shirt with such a subtle movement. His hands clasp in front of him turning to walk towards the door where a guard always waited to escort him back to his cell, and you can’t help but silently admire the expanse of his backside. From his broad shoulders to his thick thighs, the sight causes that pulse between your legs to start again.

“You too” is all he says once he’s near the door, but his earlier words leave a lasting impression throughout your day. You can’t seem to focus on your other clients constantly thinking of his deep voice, his pink lips, the intense way he looked at you that wasn’t uncomfortable but made you feel seen.

That night was the fastest you’ve ever came - squeezing and clutching around the rubber toy inside you so hard you genuinely thought there’d be an indentation when you finally pulled it from your messy core.

Something also snapped in you, wanting - needing - to know if Steve was just as good as you fantasized. That’s admittedly how your arrangement began, first sweet talking the guard into taking his lunch earlier after overhearing his child was sick. “He hasn’t had any violent acts in a little over a year. His file can attest that he’s currently not a danger. I’ll be fine, your kid needs you.” Reluctantly, he followed your suggestion but would of course try to be back in time for transport.

“You call if anything goes left, alright? Remember your panic button,” the man, maybe 10 years older, states peering dead center into your pupils so you’d know he was serious and he’d know you were listening. A quick nod sends him on his way to retrieve Steve; leaving you to mentally prepare yourself for what was to come.

A smirk tugs on his lips once the door closes behind him. His deep blue eyes raking up and down your seated body; appreciating the black, knee-length pencil skirt you chose to wear rather than your typical slacks. “Good afternoon Steve.”

“Afternoon,” he replies slightly tilting his head forward in greeting. “Since we’re still meeting, I take it what I said wasn’t all that bad. That you might’ve even agreed with me..”

Fast forward, your secret rendezvouses were still going strong. You on your knees for him just as you were that first day gladly bobbing up and down his throbbing length. Your hand not clutching his thigh twisting and rubbing what you couldn’t reach.

“This is how you act a week without me huh?,” he smirks with his larger hand clutching the back of your neck. When you peer up at him through wet lashes - moaning as you nod your head - he nearly comes undone cursing under his breath as the veins in his neck distend in that way you love so much.

Just as you feel him twitch in your mouth, he’s quick to pull you off causing you to gasp for breath as he maneuvers you to your feet. Turning you so your back would hit the wall as he hurriedly pushes your dress up over your hips. As usual, he’s met with your bare center glistening and ready for him.

“Fuck..need to be inside you,” Steve whispers against your lips before claiming your mouth as he’s done plenty times before. His tongue easily dominating yours only makes you wetter and thighs feel sticky.

“Steve please,” you pout. “Fill me up.” His hand grips under your knee simultaneously lifting and spreading you so he could slide in. His member thick, red, and leaking when he pulls down his orange pants. Luckily Steve wasn’t in the teasing mood, roughly entering your needy hole and making you loudly moan before his mouth was covering yours again.

“You’re gonna get us caught sweetheart,” he chuckles kissing along your jaw and neck. “Then again, maybe that’s what you want.” His pace begins to quicken as your hands clutch his shoulders and fingernails dig into his skin causing him to groan. “Want someone to see how good I make you feel? How deep you take me?”

“Steve,” you whine letting your head fall back against the wall. The slapping of his hips against yours nearly drowning out your panting and whimpers. “S’close.”

“I know, I know. God you’re so pretty like this, all blissed out and dumb.” He practically growls into your chest trying to hold on for longer, but he knows he’ll be gone soon the way you squeeze around him so tight. Even after all these months of meetings.

His free hand moves between you to circle your nearly raw nub as he switches between kisses and nips along your breast making you arch and tears prick the corners of your eyes feeling that addicting wave overtake you. “Ste-..I-…plea-,”

“Give it to me, cmon.” It wasn’t long after your release crashed into you that Steve was following, burying his face in your neck as he kept his moans and whimpers low. His hand massages your achy thigh while he pecks along the column of your throat in an effort to calm you down.

“My pretty girl. Did so good for me.” You couldn’t help but giggle feeling your cheeks heat at his words.

“T-Thank you Steve.”

How so much can change in the matter of hours.

-

Sat on your couch, knees pressed against your chest, all you can do is listen as the man rummages in your fridge and pantry trying to find whatever it was he wanted. The television playing a game show you’d usually be interested in, but now can’t even hear it with the pounding in your ears. Your heart still thudding since first leaving your bedroom to investigate the noise you heard and finding him in your living room.

“Figured you’d want some,” he states placing the cup of peppermint tea on the table in front of you. How he knew, you didn’t have the stomach to think about let alone how he knew where you lived in the first place.

“Y-You shouldn’t be here,” you whisper as he sits on the opposite end of the couch. Your first words to him tonight.

Steve just lowly chuckles. “Don’t act all innocent when we both know where your mouth just was.”

“That still doesn’t give-,”

“Then why leave your key?,” he counters. “Of all our sessions I didn’t even know you had them. Yet today there it was.”

You didn’t purposely leave your key. Already in a rush when you arrived that morning, you just left it out rather than placing it in your wallet like usual. It wasn’t until you were in your car on the way home that you remembered it shining against the hardwood off to the side. According to protocol, you should’ve notified someone but you figured you could just get it the next morning and use your spare in the meantime.

In retrospect, you realize Steve must’ve seen and swiped it when you weren’t looking. Probably when you were cleaning yourself up and righting your dress.

“The key was just out Steve,” you carefully try to explain seeing the confusion in his features. “I didn’t leave it on purpose.”

“So now this is all my fault?”

“No it’s no one’s fault-,”

His sudden movement - standing to pace along the expanse of your bay window - startles you to stand yourself and ready to run if needed. “Can’t you see I did this for us?!”

“I-I know Steve, but-,”

“No,” he darkly chuckles shaking his head as he steps closer. “No don’t even try. This is real and we both know it!”

You quickly wipe away the tear falling from your eye trying to stay calm; hoping you could turn the situation around. That feeling entirely fleets watching him pull out his notebook and flip through the dated pages smudged with something…shiny.

“I saved these just in case you tried to deny it. Make it seem like I was the crazy one.”

Cautiously, you close the gap between you. Luckily he lets you hold his hand when you reach out towards him. “Y-You’re not crazy and I’m not denying anything Steve.” His frustration shifts to a soft smile gazing into your brown eyes. “We need to get you back to your cell though. You don’t wanna ruin all your progress right?”

Somehow you steady yourself not to flinch when his hand rises to caress your soft cheek. His thumb lowering to trace your plump lips he loved so much.

Love. He loved you. And if his mother taught him anything, you do any and everything for those you love.

“I can’t do that. You need someone to take care of you like only I can. You didn’t even check your windows before you went to bed sweetheart.” You can’t fight the tears now fully letting them flow as your future vanishes before your eyes.

“Hey it’s okay, I’m here now,” he coos. Those arms you once fantasized about now burning against your skin for a different reason. “No one’s separating us again.”

[im-out-of-it]

I just have some thoughts since I’ve watched the first three episodes now. some things I’m glad the show did and also the things that irritated the fuck out of me so let’s go 👏🏼

1. aging the characters up. I think this is smart to do and there’s more you can do with the rest of them if they’re in their early twenties instead of being teenagers. sorry not sorry but I’m not interested in seeing teenagers being chased by grown adults

2. Clary is still beyond annoying. I know she’s traumatized by losing her mom and not understanding this new world but literally coming in “I don’t care about the clave, about your rules, I just want to find my mom.” yeah ok we get that but there are still rules that need to be followed. you’re out here almost getting people killed and it’s all in the name of your mom. and I’m not saying the clave is trustworthy because they’re massive dicks but you can’t go around running and doing whatever you want lmao

3. please give Alec a raise or a year vacation. the amount of shit he deals with having to be jaces parabatai is too much. honestly, Alec deserves better. Jace takes advantage of Alec and I would have loved to see Alec have another parabatai, one that cares for him. I know you can only have one BUT CUT THE FUCKING CORD PLEASE

4. Magnus is fucking perfection

5. Izzy is perfection too 🔥 I do not blame Simon losing his tongue over her. my bisexual mind was like OOOOO ALEC NO MAGNUS NO IZZY NO RAPHAEL NO MAIA!!!!!!! NO ALL OF THEM

6. Clary and Jace are very cringe and I’m not sure if that’s on the acting or the writing but it makes it hard to believe they’re “in love.” I felt more connection with Alec and Magnus meeting for a second than I did with jace and clary in three episodes. even Alec and jace have a bit more chemistry than he does with clary. and that is something I DO NOT ship

Jace: I would die for you

Clary: but jace we just met

Jace: I don’t care if I throw all my friends and family away clary. we’re destined to be together

7. superb acting from Matthew Daddario. he’s absolutely wonderful and he really captured Alec’s angst in my opinion. you can see why he’s on guard not only because he likes jace (ew my man Alec WHY) and because he’s worried about the safety of his people. I feel like Matt captures the emotion without saying a thing so well. as does Harry. I think they’re both great at this

8. “This would be bad for clary.”- (talking about the cup and valentine) Simon “it would be bad for all of us”-Izzy. of course in Simon and clary world, everything is all about clary. I get simon is worried about his bff but this affects EVERYONE

9. if Simon was my bff and someone as jace talked to my friend that way, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT. she doesn’t really say much, she’s all like “we’re a package deal.” honestly clary and jace belong together because they both take advantage of their friends. they’re both so self centered so let them run away as far as possible together

10. Alec is big sad now but you will have better, just you wait. also want to add, I enjoy season one for the build up Alec and Magnus but man do I hate Alec pinning after jace 🤢 but if there isn’t any incest, it’s not a proper CC story

11. Im just here for the Malec content. stuff that show did well: Alec and Izzy’s sibling relationship. I love these two so much. Clary actually being nice to izzy and being her friend, and not being mean to her cause she’s jealous. Magnus’s whole attire. I love this bi king so much. I love magnus, I love his sass, his makeup, his clothes. I LOVE HIM. I wish they would’ve changed his hair and makeup more in the last two seasons. kinda feel like they thought oh he has mascara on, that’s good enough. that pink hair is truly one of my favorite Magnus looks.

12. last thing to add that I like what the show did. I love that Alec actually knows how to fight. it never made sense in the books that he’s never killed a demon, especially since he’s a Lightwood. never made sense to me. I’m glad they allowed in the show for Alec to actually be able to fight 🏹

that is all for now until I watch actually one of the best episodes of season one. Magnus and Alec meeting 🥰

[the-forbidden-pookie]

Overworked

I'm late but happy bday Horropedia 🥺🫶🏻

Tw: SFW, written with a fem reader in mind, a smol amount of angst followed by much fluff.

Pairing: Horropedia (Joshua) x reader.

May this year witness the freedom of Palestine 🇵🇸🇵🇸

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Work in the Foundation was usually fine, the fact you were a Supervising Field Agent usually meant you got assigned, well, interesting field work. But sometimes the higher ups would demand evidence to backup your mission report "Claims", be it for a trial, or an open investigation, and you would need to spend all nighters sifting through both your and your subordinates' files, as well as archived news articles, archived books, archived tapes, or really anything that could be of use.

To say all that left you mentally exhausted would be an understatement.

More than anything, it makes you yearn to finish up work quickly and go home for a hot bath and indulge in your guilty pleasure: Romance Stories.

You're pretty sure anyone of your colleagues hearing about that hobby would be more likely to think they're being pranked than actually believe it.

You, who worked hard and rose quickly within the ranks of the foundation, despite your young age.

You, who thanks to your constant networking and relentless hard work, was the youngest to be awarded with the title of Field Supervisor, bar Vertin of course as she's the Timekeeper.

Exactly why, when asked, you would usually give the far more acceptable "Tennis" as an answer. Really at this point only very few people have any clue about your obsession, and only because they were your classmates back in your more innocent and naive school days. People like this fool who came unannounced, sitting uninvited on your office couch, thoroughly distracting you from your urgent task.

"And then, we're thinking the main character would be revealed to have actually been the real villain all along! Like the serial killer will still remain a separate person, but the way Blonney's thinking of doing it is making Jessica turn out to be even more terrifying!! We'll drop hints throughout the film and-"

And so he goes, on and on. He even stands up and starts pacing as he bothers you further.

You want to groan. This annoying, silly, helpless, cute, sweet, adorkable fool.

"Aren't you supposed to be grounded?" You say deadpan, "What are you even doing here?"

Horropedia stops and turns, facing you properly, "So you can talk!" He practically cries out with mock shock, his face a mask of "disbelief". "Here I thought you'd gone mute, turns out you were just ignoring me." He says as he walks over and plops down on a chair facing your desk.

You roll your eyes refusing to play along. "Some of us have work to get done, Joshua. We're not children anymore, it's high time you start acting like an adult and quit those silly, childish stories."

"Oh?" He says smugly, but you can tell you've definitely hit a nerve by calling him Joshua instead of his preferred nickname. He then proceeds to take a long look around your office, craning his neck this way and that.

You're not sure what he's planning but it can't be anything good.

"Bingo." He says just under his breath as he stands back up and heads for the cupboard you use as a make shift file cabinet. You tense slightly but remind yourself to keep a cool and aloof facade.

He places one hand against a compartment's door and asks: "So then, there isn't a hidden stash of silly, childish romance novels right in here?" He asks, tapping a finger against it.

Go big or go home. "Please, I outgrew that nonsensical hobby ages ago, do you honestly think I have the time to-"

Horropedia then grabs the door handle without permission and proceeds to yank it open-

Or he would have if the door wasn't locked shut. It doesn't even budge.

You smile smugly. "Did no one teach you going through people's belongings is bad manners?"

"Coming from the person who used to steal from my candy stash? I don't wanna hear it." He says dismissively, now focused on intently staring down your cupboard's lock.

You blush, because he's bringing back embarrassing childhood memories of your's, definitely not because he looks really hot when he stops being a lovable goof, or because of the way the light hits his side profile just right and he looks so serious in a rare picturesque way-

You snap yourself out of your reverie just as he brings something out of his utility belt, you blanch when you realize what it is.

"Seriously? Lockpicks? Who goes around carrying those?! Wait- is that how you got out of confinement?!"

Horropedia ignores you and gets immediately to work.

You spring up and rush towards him, only to arrive a second too late as he opens the cupboard with a dramatic flourish, revealing far too many books with cutesy artworks for covers, some with even more tantalizing titles. In fact, their were so many that they proceeded to slide down and out of the compartment, forming a sizeable pile on the floor.

Your stash now exposed, you do the next best thing and head straight for the open office door instead to shut it. This however is far from ideal.

You turn around slowly and as expected, the dork is giving you and adora- Infuriating smirk.

"How. How did you know they were in there-"

"Relax Short-Stuff, I just know you too well." He says, almost preening with pride at his "accomplishment".

You frown, "Don't call me that."

"Don't call me Joshua." He fires back.

You don't reply, and instead take a silent step towards him, then another.

Alarm starts bleeding into his expression, as he himself takes a step back while throwing a glance at the closed door behind you, no doubt gauging the distance in case you decide to attack.

Instead you ignore him and bend down to start gathering your precious but embarrassing treasures.

"What was that about knowing me so well?" You say offhandedly.

"Well- you used to tackle people who pissed you off so- I mean- Forget it."

Now with you both feeling defeated, he bends down to help you gather the books and says: "When do you even find time to read all of these? Everytime I see you you're either writing a report, heading to a mission or coming back from one."

"The car rides are usually pretty quiet, I can read them in peace as long as I hide the covers." You say without looking up.

After a moment of Horropedia not saying anything back or moving to help you, you look up.

"What?" You snap. You know that look, he's judging you. "If you have something to say say it."

"No, no, it's not like that I just... Do you ever get any rest? I'm pretty sure you even work weekends, and I heard you do volunteer work too. This isn't healthy is all I'm thinking."

You blink. Well yes, he does have a compassionate and sweet side too, it's usually hidden by his general tomfoolery though so you tend to forget about it. You also didn't expect him to be keeping an ear out for news about you, it's not like the two of you chat all that often either. You're caught sufficiently off guard that you now have your mouth hanging slightly open with no sounds coming out.

"Earth to (Y/N), you there?" He snaps his fingers a couple of times, and when you're still silent he sighs and continues gathering your babies- your books, and springs back up to stuff them in your cupboard, then dusts his hands off.

You're looking up at his standing form and damn, he actually looks really good from this angle, really accentuates his already impressive height-

This time he forgoes trying to talk to you and just grabs your from the waist and lifts you back to your feet, giving you a quick pat on the shoulder for good measure before letting you go.

Then he seems to think something over and places a hand on your forehead.

"You're not running a fever, but your zoning out is really out of character for ya. Good thing it's 6 already, you can clock out now." He says with a gentle smile.

The smile isn't exactly rare for him, but it also isn't something he usually gives you.

Ever since you set your sights on climbing the corporate ladder... You have been pushing everyone away, even those most precious to you. You've been taking on more and more, piling the tasks and duties up to the point where, sometimes, you just want to do something crazy and impulsive, to get the load off your shoulders even for a short while.

He's still gazing at you, but his smile is wavering. He's still waiting for an answer though.

You consider what would happen if you say yes to clocking out now, if you even gather some additional courage and ask him to hang out? As friends of course! For old times sake! But then again, if you're already that far, what if you ask him out for real? Maybe just for today, you can ignore the far too many responsibilities piled high on top of you and just-

You shake your head. "No sorry, I'm actually spending the night here, I have a lot of work to get done. I know you want to leave though, so you go on ahead, don't worry I won't rat you out so no one should come to drag you back to the school." You say with a chuckle, and wait for him to get going.

But he doesn't move. You can't read his expression, and the way the light hits his glasses isn't helping. Finally what he says is: "I guess you haven't changed that much after all."

Saying you're bewildered would be an understatement. "Huh?"

He loudly sighs, throwing his head back for added effect as he massages the bridge of his nose.

When he's looking back at you his glasses are now sitting crookedly on the space and you have to hold back the urge to reach up and fix them.

Two hands are now on your shoulders, as if to stop you from escaping the truth. "Listen." He says very seriously, all traces of his usually cheery voice gone. "I'm going to say this as plainly as possible. You're working yourself to the bone. I get it, you have some bigger picture in mind, some larger goal that I probably can't see and you're throwing everything trying to reach it but consider this. Maybe it's just not worth it. Not if you'll die long before you get to it within whatever crazy time limit you've set for yourself. Come on (Y/N), you're a field agent for God's sake, how lame would it be if you bite the dust from overworking on reports?!"

He's panting slightly, that speech was clearly coming from the heart and you really appreciate it, you really do, but ever since he first came in today you've had a nagging suspicion you've been trying to stamp down, but it was time to address the elephant in the room.

"Joshua. Why do you care so much? Because honestly the way you're talking right now..." You take a deep breath, "The way you sought me out today, the way you say all of this... I don't want to sound arrogant, but am I correct to assume that- that-"

You can't do this, if you're wrong what's left of your already dwindling friendship with him might be the price.

You back away from him. "I'm sorry never mind, forget I said anything, I'll keep your advice in mind so please just-" just go! I don't want you here when I cry!

But he must see something on your face because he's pulling you in for a hug. It feels so familiar so right that you can't help but melt into it. The exhaustion finally seems to catch up to you and you can't imagine having to trek the walk back to the dorms, much less get any more work done tonight.

You almost miss it, but you just barely make out the words "Yes, you are correct."

And that wakes you right back up.

You push back and straighten up, and he's immediately startling with you. "W-what?" He asks, looking absolutely adorable. This time, you do reach over and right his glasses.

"What did you just say? You whispered something just now, did I hear it right?" You stare at him intently, your gaze unwavering and determined.

He looks to the side, "Don't look at me like thaaaat." He quite literally whines.

"Like what?" You ask, finding yourself genuinely curious as to what he sees in your expression.

He looks back, "Like I'm one of your high priority missions. Don't give me hope if you don't mean it (Y/N)."

You're tired from a long, mentally exhausting day. Your brain to mouth filter is gone, but then again it usually is around Horropedia. You are not thinking straight but you kinda never are around this man.

You grab his necktie and snatch it down, dragging him with it. Your lips are on his in a second, he's reciprocating (thank goodness) the kiss in the next.

When the two of you break it off for air he has the widest grin he has ever given you. No not ever, but in a long time. The intense nostalgia is the last addition to the melange of feelings churning inside of you and the tears finally fall freely.

Predictably, Horropedia panics.

"I'M SO SORRY?! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID BUT I'M SORRY?!?! WAS IT THE KISS? IT WAS THE KISS WASN'T IT-"

You quickly cover his mouth before he broadcasts any more private information to the whole office floor.

"Shhhh! Calm down! I just... I just needed a good cry I guess..." You end meekly, wiping your tears away.

Horropedia stares at you wide eyed. In another situation this would be the perfect teasing material, (Y/N) actually knows how to cry?! Or something along those lines, but evidently even he has better sense than to do that, so he instead silently hugs you again, and doesn't tighten his hold until you hug him back.

You could stay in his arms forever, which sounds cliche but isn't that amazing? That you could get to think of something so silly and cliche instead of the probability of success of your next mission strategy? You take a small step back without letting go, just to look at the wall clock and debate what to do next. You can tell Horropedia is eagerly waiting for your decision with bated breath. Finally you pull yourself out of the hug.

Only to grab your purse and keys, then quickly come back to his side.

"Alright. You win, what's the plan now?" You ask, twisting a scarf high around your neck to hide your excitement.

He frowns slightly, and hesitantly asks. "Do you still suffer from insomnia?"

Of course he remembers. "It's better now but yes." Is your answer.

"Then we go on the most anti-insomnia date to help you sleep!" He announces, opening the door for you.

You chuckle and head out, waiting for him to follow so you can lock your office.

"And where are we going?" You fiddle with your keys, slipping one in the lock.

"To your dorm room?" He asks more then answers.

You freeze. "Moving a little fast there don't you think?" You turn to face him.

He flushes bright red. "Noooo!! I knew you would misunderstand!!! I meant because your bed is there and you could go straight to sleep once you feel like it!!!"

You giggle. "Oh I know, just teasing." You say wiggling your eyebrows.

He gasps "You! I! Why you! Hmph!" He turns and walks on ahead, but there's a spring in his step and he's headed towards your dorm, so you know he's not actually mad. You jog to catch up to him.

"Geez Joshua, not all of us have long legs wait up!"

And he does slow down, but he also throws you a question. "Why do you keep calling me Joshua? At first I thought it was to annoy me, but that can't be right. So what's your reason?"

You consider this carefully. After everything that just happened, admitting this truth hardly feels like such a hard challenge. You talk as you walk.

"More than one reason I guess... For starters it's what I've always known you as... Despite what I said before, you actually have changed in a lot of ways, heck you used to be shorter than me." You laugh a bit, "The name feels like all I have left from back then." You say with a sigh.

He keeps silent, probably guessing there's more, so you continue, "Also... Well, this is a bit embarrassing but everyone calls you Horropedia... I guess I kinda felt special by being the only one calling you Joshua. It's silly I know."

Horropedia stops walking and grabs your hand, halting you too. He's silent for a moment before he croaks out, voice clearly emotional "You can call me whatever you want." Then he goes back to walking while still holding onto your hand, pulling you along. And that's that.

He walks you all the way to your dorm room then stops.

"You're not coming in? You didn't change your mind already did you?" You ask half jokingly but also kinda worried.

"Nope! I'll go bring my tv and some supplies, I'll be back in an hour or so, that way you'll have time to freshen up and maybe relax for a bit?" He says with a small smile, and ruffles your hair lightly.

You blink, then processing the first part of his sentence you ask: "Why are you bringing your TV? I have a TV."

"You do?" He sounds surprised.

"Of course, how else would I be able to play my romance film tapes?"

His mouth forms an "o" shape. "That actually makes sense, I don't know why I didn't think of that. Well there's still other stuff to be brought but this definitely helps save time, alright see you soon." He gives you a quick hug before parting ways.

Now home, you proceed to tidy up the dorm room and hop in the shower, then get dressed in a comfortable but cute outfit and style your hair into something more relaxed and comfy.

You head to your wardrobe and start opening the large bottom drawers you use to store blankets and pillows, and start constructing a pillow fort on the rug, facing the television.

It's not long until you hear a knock at your door, and with less restraint then you would usually allow, you rush towards it and swing it wide open to reveal a-

A pile of shopping bags and a plushie?

"A lil help here? Actually can you let me in?" You hear Horropedia's voice as he tries to right one of the bags sliding down with his knee.

"Ohhhh!" You intone, mesmerized, "A talking pile of bags and a plushie!"

"Haha, very funny." Horropedia's head pops up and despite his words he's definitely amused.

You quickly begin grabbing the bags closest to you and realize they're pretty much all filled with snacks and fizzy drinks... All of which you know for sure are nothing like those issued by the foundation.

"Where did you even get these?" You ask, as the both of you drag the bags inside. From the corner of your eyes you notice him taking extra care not to drop the relatively large plushie.

"Oh you know, I have my ways~" He replies, going for a mysterious tone.

Do his "ways" include Vertin's suitcase? Probably. But you don't say anything, let him have his moment.

When everything is set up nicely around your pillow fort, you turn to ask him what you're watching when you find him on one knee, dramatically presenting you with the stuffed toy.

"Will you do me the great honor, of accepting my humble offering?" He asks solemnly.

You burst out laughing "Wha- what are you doing..?" You wheeze.

You bend down to grab the plushie and admire it, it's a nice medium size, aka the perfect hugging size.

"I thought you might need a little friend to keep you company as we watch-" He takes out a film tape with a flourish "This movie!"

You blanch. "Is this one of your horror films? Are you serious? I thought we were trying to put me to sleep not keep me up all night." You say with an exasperated shake of your head.

"No no listen, you're used to romance movies, they're no good to help you sleep anymore or they would've worked by now right? Maybe what you need is something to wring out all the nervous energy from you so you can relax!"

Somehow that both makes some sense and no sense at once. But then you have a realization.

You pretend to think it over. "I don't know, even if what you say could hypothetically work, and while your gift is cute, I just don't feel like it's huggable enough, you know?"

His face falls slightly. "Oh? You don't like it do you? I knew I should've brought a bigger one-"

"No, what I'm saying is, it's not the same as cuddling with a warm human being."

You wait for the mostly genius yet sometimes dumb dumb young man in front of you to connect the dots. You can tell he did when his face is the shade of a ripe strawberry.

"OH! Ohhhh!! Oh. Yeah, yeah we can definitely uh- cuddle. As much as you want. Of course."

You laugh "Dude we were just hugging and kissing in my office! Why are you getting all shy on me now?" You tug him along by the arm to set up the film.

"I knoooow," he whines, "it's just this is a step further ok? And that was an I'm-really-worried-about-her hug, and the kiss was a very emotional moment my brain just wasn't braining!"

"Whatever you say." You reply as you poke his right cheek. "You're cute though so it's fine." You giggle.

You wait for him to berate you about calling him, the horror genre enthusiast and connoisseur "cute", but all he does is stare at you with a dopey smile, just making you melt.

"Are you sure we can't just watch a romance movie?" You ask softly.

"Nah, we're being our own romance movie right now." He says as he grabs your hand and hoists you up with him, leading you back to the pillow fort. "You'll pick the movie next time."

The screen turns on, displaying the title of the horror movie you settled on. “It’s a classic!” Horropedia says, clearly excited to share the movie with you.

As you both sink into the pillows, the opening title sequence of the film begins playing.

As the horror style music plays, you notice Horropedia lean in his body closer to yours, careful to not make it seem like he was trying to get nearer.

"You can come closer I don't bite," you say jokingly, "and if I was uncomfortable with having you here I wouldn't have mentioned cuddling in the first place."

Horropedia's face turns fully red as he realizes he was not being subtle.

"Yeah... sorry."

His body shifts, and he slides one arm around your shoulders. He then speaks, barely above a whisper, "Can I get a hug now...?"

"I didn't know you were the clingy type Joshua," you start to tease, "and before even the first jumpscare hap-" but you immediately get interrupted by a joke jumpscare, a character that is not the antagonist innocently scaring their friends as a prank, yet embarrassingly managing to startle you "Eeep-" your hands instinctively grab onto the nearest object, which of course has to be his torso.

Oh dear lord. You sigh internally.

You look up at his face, finding he at least has the decency to try and stifle his laughter, though he wasn't succeeding much. But his droopy eyes were crinkling at the sides, and his smile was just too beautiful so you couldn't get mad.

Horropedia chuckles at your expression, probably finding the irony amusing, and the fact it was a fake jumpscare that did you in.

He then quickly pulls you closer to give you that hug you were just teasing him about not a moment ago.

You feel your head lean against his shoulder as he pulls you in, wrapping his arms around you as you both settle further into your cozy pillow fort setup.

"This doesn't count you hear? I wasn't scared or anything, I'm just a bit jumpy." You say, trying to preserve your dignity. The last thing you need is the no.1 horror enthusiast to misunderstand and think you're a scaredy cat, you would never hear the end of the teasing.

You could feel his chest vibrating with laughter underneath you, and he reaches up with the opposite hand and ruffles your hair.

"Uh-huh." Is all he says.

~~~~~~

By the time the movie ends, you're already sound asleep. Horropedia carefully untangles your limbs and carries you off to bed. The day did not go as he'd expected, he'd go as far to say it went more like his fantasies then actual reality.

He tucks you in carefully, being mindful to jostle you as little as possible. He's fairly certain if you go on a second date (you probably will right? This date went great right?!?!) you won't settle for anything other than one of your romance movies.

Not that he minds, really. After today he doesn't think he'll be looking at the characters on the screen with jealousy or disgruntlement. He also thinks he'll enjoy whatever you pick.

He glances at your alarm clock. Oh it was late. He'd better get moving, while he has more freedom under Vertin's supervision now he still shouldn't push his luck. He decides he'll tell you tomorrow about his new, more flexible work arrangement.

He heads for the dorm room entrance, opening and closing the door softly behind him. His last thought before leaving is he'll have to ask what you thought of his movie pick tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From the river to the sea PALESTINE WILL BE FREE ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ 🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸.

If you pray, please pray for Gaza and the Westbank 🙏🏻🙏🏻

[epickiya722]

Sorry, but I need to say something I've been thinking about for a while. I found geto's death forcing. 1.he loses to a boy with no experience and the power of ''love''. 2.he was stronger and had more knowledge and experience than the boy yuta. 3. It seems that the author just wanted to get rid of geto so that this annoying villain Kenjaku could come. 4. In my opinion, Geto is the best villain. I don't understand why the author didn't want to continue with him. 5. His death was forced because Saturo already had a change in character and personality. What I'm trying to say is that in the film, Satura is already different, he's no longer that immature young man. 6. the serious work was much more dramatic if geto had survived saturo blow he would have become stronger and returned as a villain again with sukuna. Sorry if it's big, but I have these doubts that such a good and well-constructed character had a horrible ending and very little.

I get you, Anon. You have every right to feel that way.

Honestly, as someone who does enjoy Geto, I'll tell you right now that your first point reminded me why I have came to hate the word "fraud".

I really hate what fandoms have done now to that word because it's like that word is thrown at every single character.

Lately, I keep seeing people call Geto a "fraud" because he lost to Yuta, but I'm sitting here like "what the hell is he faking though"?

They really associate losing to being a fraud and it's ridiculous.

Look, I adore Yuta, I do. But let's not sit here and act like Yuta wasn't having a difficult time against Geto because he was.

"Why is Geto considered a Special Grade"?

I don't know, maybe because his technique literally can bring about chaos all over Japan as how Kenjaku used it after the Shibuya Incident? Maybe because he did in fact trained as the same as Gojo did during their school years?

"He doesn't even have a domain"!

Domains are literal trump cards in JJK. It's actually impressive Geto hasn't relied on one. And how do we know he doesn't have one? Just because he didn't use one doesn't mean he doesn't have one. It's like saying a person doesn't have a purple shirt just because you didn't see them wear one that day.

I just can't with people!

The thing that gets me about the whole Yuta vs. Geto fight is that is it expected that Geto would have lost, even more so when the story made it clear that Yuta was going to be a strong individual, but it's how people are reacting to it that annoys me.

Oh my gosh, yes, he lost to a 16-year-old. A 16-year-old who happens to have an insane amount of cursed energy and a bond with the "Queen of Curses", and ooh! He's related to Gojo!

People saying this like it's a brand new concept and just to rag on Geto fans. Why though? You... you cannot be that bored! Yuta is written to be an overpowered character, while Geto was not.

Now, I could be wrong about this. But I feel like Geto was written to be a character that "haunts the narrative" much now just Toji does.

Geto, to me, is an interesting villain and I actually would have loved to see the years of from how he started his cult at 17 to an adult.

In relation to Kenjaku, that just reminded me of a post I saw that pretty much bashed Geto and praised Kenjaku. Now, the JJK villains, I enjoy them all to an extent, I do. And as such, it gets me sometimes how some Kenjaku fans (not all, folks, chill) will bash Geto like he's the worst and even as far as calling him ugly when... Kenjaku literally wanted to merge humanity with Tengen... for a laugh. Kenjaku has done some heinous things, too, come on. And going as far as to calling Geto ugly is funny when Kenjaku is walking around with his face.

Like, Kenjaku actually seeked out to use Geto's body. Not any of the other Special Grade sorcerers or anyone else. His technique was useful for Kenjaku and let's not forget that because of that face and that voice, Kenjaku put the Strongest Sorcerer in a box.

I won't lie, I'm actually intrigued how the plot would have been like if Geto survived and came back later for some more villainy. Him in Kenjaku's spot would be different... but that's a different I gotta see!!

[sillyparker]

(mcu!)Peter's love for Spider-Man

I saw a few reddit comments that frankly really bothered me, so I just wanted to ramble about how Peter being somewhat bothered by having to be Spider-Man in ffh and nwh (ffh esp) is more than insanely justified. He will never hate being Spider-Man, infact i think his trauma likely will spur him on to do more and more, either as an escape or a chance to help people the way he hadn't been helped, either way I believe post nwh Peter definitely still finds his joy in being Spider-Man, it'd be literally impossible to just up and make him stop. This part is more of a personal hc before I get into the rest of the post, but I think if he desired to give Spider-Man up after everything, he would have chosen to make the world forget that instead, from what I understand it would have still relieved his troubles, as nobody knows who Spider-Man is, so why would they know Peter?

Far From Home. People take the way Peter acts during the film as him no longer liking being Spider-Man, and it frankly feels very.. ignorant of like literally everything Peter has gone through, honestly. ffh is post endgame, which good fucking god - that is the most trauma inducing experience any possible 15 (16?) year old teen could endure, now im talking both infinity war and endgame, because both are just as bad. In infinity war, he obviously fights alot, not as much as he does in the second film, but it's still very rough, and well he sorta dies, which I'm sure takes a rather extreme toll on him as he could likely feel absolutely everything happening, because of his healing factor, and spidey sense, it's just a very very scary experience, hell I wouldn't be shocked if Peter was drop dead terrified everytime he felt his spidey sense, (he isn't, but I wouldn't put it past being very possible).

And, in endgame he had to hold the gauntlet for an extended period of time from an insane amount of creatures, he literally was holding the future of the entire world in his hands, I would imagine that'd be actually very, very scary. He's consistently put in unfair positions and made to just 'deal' with it, I'm sure he expected some of this but I cant firmly believe he thought he'd end up in such a crazy situation. Now, most obviously the very big part of endgame - Tony Stark fucking died dude!?!?! Let the kid have some time to grieve... not that he ended up getting any, he's literally already lost his parents, (possible uncle), and now his pseudo father, and shit does he lose more right after in such a tiny timespan.

Point is, yeah the fact he want's a goddamn break is not the most insane thing that's happened, god forbid a thoroughly traumatized teenager wants a break without needing to have the burdens of the world (literally) on him again. It just gets to me each time there are such crazy expectations for him, as if any a bunch other characters or people wouldn't literally crumble into pieces if they experienced the amount of stress a kid like Peter is holding constantly. We also get an actual insight on an exact thing I mentioned, where he has a talk with Mysterio where he just wanted to be a normal kid for at least a few seconds, and god is he owed all of that and more. He never got a break, he never got a real chance to comprehend everything that went around him, he got pulled into a fucking other world crisis and yeah - sue him for being exhausted, and not motivated to attempt that all again.

No Way Home. Okay, to start this off - What the fuck? I don't know how obvious it has to be, but the fact Peter is not ecstatic to be Spider-Man after not only having his "identity revealed, but (all I'm about to say is from ffh, still going to get into nwh in a second) almost being killed multiple times, been manipulated by another adult in his life, had his trauma and losses smeared all across his face, faced with taking down an entire insanely large army of killer - explosive - drones, also faced with the fear of accidentally being the cause for a massive incident", is a VERY fair reason, I genuinely think if he stopped being Spider-Man right then and there, everybody he knew would probably support him, because god the things he went through is mind boggling, I don't know how to capture the amount of damage that must have done to Peter, not even just mentally but like quite literal brain damage, he's a kid - no world this severe amount of trauma is taken any forms of lightly. (Which is sorta shown, when Happy goes to pick up Peter on the flower field, and Peter being afraid of Happy maybe not being real)

I wish people gave Peter more credit than they think he deserves, also god Peter fights to be Spider-Man still all throughout nwh, he does his 'duty' by saving all the villains (whilst experiencing the most heinous levels of grief, post May's death), and does everything he can to save the people of their possible destruction, etc. One could fight for the fact Peter.. sorta did cause all of that, even if indirectly - but honestly, I genuinely cannot imagine a different outcome. "What if he went to the lady first, like Strange suggested" It definitely would have not worked, she literally only agreed because he saved her from a being that wouldn't exist had it not been for the earlier mess up, I literally cannot imagine how he would have been able to get any of fixed or back to a state of tolerable at the very least. Peter deserves (and wants) to not live his life as horrible as expected it'd be, he'd never get to any form of normal again, everything he loved was on the line, and half of the world hated him, (alot, wanted him dead or -behind bars).

Peter Parker is just a kid, that is the first and foremost the most important aspect to his character, because the way everything is affected is so so different its ridiculous, the way he will function as a whole when older is very starkly different had this happened to somebody around the age as most of the avengers, all because his brain is just simply not capable of handling such amount's of trauma, or stress. And the way he functions now is so important too, because he's a kid, n' hell will it be obvious how childish he can think or act.

Lastly, another thing I simply hate that people do is when they find the idea of Peter having trauma unrealistic. I'm very much thinking too hard about his character probably, but he is a character with such complex details, and his life is splayed out infront of us through the films, giving us every event that could likely be a cause of something to happen one day, or something that is a cause of an action he already did. I hate that people think just because he's a movie character he's unable to be an actual person in his world, like how everything is simply black and white when it comes to characterization.

Side Note, - this totally turned into just plain out angry rambling, as I've been just annoyed as a whole ever since I started writing this all. so mind anything I say that may be incorrect, I'm defensive about Spider-Man at 8am in the morning and I haven't slept yet, so typos will be made, and some sentences will probably seem confusing.

(next day now and I think i fixed everything(??), I had decided to post this tomorrow/now when I was more comprehensible)

[mysicklove]

hi mello ! i’m feeling a bit bold (as far as bold goes considering i’m asking anonymously) i wanted to ask abt your opinion considering how yk like usually nsfw pages tend to strictly ban minors (rightfully so ofc) but then write content of characters who are minors aged up, and idk why but to me aging up the character never seemed right cuz doing so gives the space for others (like those ppl that would justify sexualizing young characters and then say ‘oh but they’re like this dragon hybrid thing so they’re actually 9000 years old) to use this as an excuse to make said nsfw content,,

but yeah,, no hate ofc !!!! just wanted to explore the reasoning behind aging up characters cuz i don’t fully understand it so i wanna hear someone else’s opinion and you seemed to be the most approachable

no pressure tho, if you don’t wanna answer that’s totally fine you don’t owe it to anyone x

take care !!

-🩰

hm. well, it’s because i literally do not give a fuck LOL

to me, it is drawings. they don’t have feelings, they don’t breathe, they aren’t human. they were made up. so, if they were made up to be a certain age by someone, what is stoping me from changing that age? they aren’t real…so idk man it just doesn’t seem immoral to me.

just like i age down characters for my big brother au, or i wrote a shit ton of characters as literal hybrids. it’s not real, so i can change characters in the way i see fit because i am an author. you are x reader fics, which in no way will ever be real, so i just don’t think that being able to change a characters age will do harm.

so when i see, for example, yuuji itadori, and i think that i am attracted to him, never in my mind does something flash the words “he is a minor” because to me…he isn’t, at least in my fics with him. it’s just the way you interpret it, and that’s what causes the “controversy” on tumblr.

i also see characters in my fics as prototypes? ig u can call it? with the same example, my yuuji x reader fics, he would look like yuuji itadori, act like yuuji itadori, but he isn’t. he isn’t written by gege, he isn’t animated by mappa. he is written by me, which means i have the power over him to do what i seen fit. if that is to write smut/romance, then he will be a adult, because I am an adult and i made this au. although neither of them are not real, they are two separate entities of each other

andddd this is completely different than minors irl. a drawing of something is completely different than a human being that is under the age of 18. tbh if you can’t separate fiction versus reality then…no offense but i do not see whoever you are as an intelligent being LOL. but that sounds mean, i am not bashing anyone who doesn’t agree with aging characters up, but it is the same people who bash on this who read/interact with dark content. like all of the sudden they can seprate fiction and reality when it regards to yandere…..

but like i said in the beginning, i don’t give a fuck what people do with my work.. if you want to interpret a character as a child, that’s disgusting, but it’s not my fault? if your mind is to think of a character as a child when reading smutty things, then you are sick in the head, but it’s not like my readings spurred it on. they will always be like that, regardless of what they are reading.

i write (95% of the time) for myself. i don’t see the character as a child, and honestly that’s all that matters to me at least. i can’t stop the small amount of people from having pedophilic thoughts about my work, but to be honest, i am not going to let that ruin my fun. i think about myself firstly — i am not a good person anon

hope this didn’t come across as rude, and when i say “you” i am not regarding you as yourself, ig i’m talking to people who shit on others who age characters up. not the people who disagree with it, and remain silent (respectful) about it

[cherry-velvet-skies]

It's time for more Beatle Era Ratings! (I fixed the title 😌)

Episode 3: Johnny Boy 🥰

Moon Dog (Pre-Beatles Era)

Teddy Boy John somehow looks older than when John was actually older

He gives the vibe of a teenage boy who dresses to look older in order to get into an adult rated movie lmao

Formed a band and felt like the coolest guy in the world (and you know what he unknowingly created one of the greatest bands in the world so he's allowed to feel that way)

6/10 because he looks great but the look is not really for me

Twist and Shout (1962-63)

And just like I thought, he looks younger here than the previous era

John Lennon if he were an android in Detroit Become Human

He looks so uncomfortable dressed like this PLEASE 😂 someone help him

4.5/10 and I know the second they walked off stage he would rip this jacket right off lmao

Cuddle Bug (1964-66)

One of John's best eras and that's a fact

He's so friend-shaped I'm gonna cry

This haircut suited him so well and gave him an all-around adorable vibe

100/10 and I have a personal vendetta against anyone who ever made him feel bad about his appearance 😤

Blue Meanie Defender 3000 (1967)

If you ever wanna know what the people in the late 60s who experimented with any drug they could find looked like, just picture this mf

Bro saw God at some point and God was a walrus apparently

But this was when he actually got glasses instead of just being fucking blind all the time so I guess that's good

7/10 although I can't tell if being around him when he's high would've been nonstop laughs or literal hell on earth

AnD nOw YoUr hOsTs fOr tHiS eVeNinG (1968-69)

An absolute gremlin of a man

But I mean if I was in his shoes I would just randomly scream for no reason too so I get it

If Get Back taught us anything it was that mans hardly showered

6.5/10 the vibes are hella confusing but not terrible. Sense of humor was off the charts though

Bigger Than Jesus (1970)

So far John's Jesus era was the fanciest

The fur coat and wool cap are giving Bratz doll

Speaking of Bratz dolls John would've loved early 2000s fashion I JUST KNOW IT

9/10 he would've worn Juicy tracksuits religiously and ate us all up

I Sleep Well, Thanks (1971-72)

Exhausted dude at his office job who just wants to go home and get high

You know what scratch that he shows up high and has the nerve to act surprised when he can barely function

Survives purely off of spite

6.5/10 he wants to cause problems on purpose

I Am the Egg Man (1973)

I'm not even sure I have the certification to comment on this

Seeing John almost bald feels sacrilegious

He looks like one of those unhinged yoga instructors

2/10 I am very uncomfortable with the energy we've created in the studio today

Freelance Artist (1974-77)

In his academia era

His aura feels like one of those people who you go to their apartment and it's full of giant canvases with art that deserves way more recognition

That Elvis pin is iconic

10/10 and this entire photoshoot is honestly so beautiful I wish I could've included all the photos

Sexy Valet Driver (1978-79)

I absolutely adore the tie and waistcoat combo

It gives me an immense level of gender envy, and John is not immune to that lol I wanna look the way he does in this photo so bad

He looks both cute and handsome but I can't decide which one tips the balance

20/10 if I saw him dressed like this I would definitely compliment him (and maybe ask him out if I was feeling brave 🤭)

Eccentrically Reserved Fashion Designer (1980-∞)

Are we gonna pretend that he didn't look absolutely GLORIOUS this year

I think I have to say this one is a dilf era because oh my god

I secretly think John would've been a great fashion designer idk he seems like he has the correct amount of insanity to pull it off

542/10 and it's a shame we never got to see how he would've evolved physically, and even personality-wise, as the years went on. I feel like he would've been a better person as he got older and I wish we would've gotten to see it 🥺💕

[the-martyrfication-of-the-matron]

I had a lot of trouble phrasing this, I’m very sorry if it comes off as overly critical of your rewrite or your plans for it. I’m just concerned about how this is being handled.

Is Nicole going to be condemned for what she does? I understand it’s the cycle of abuse and Nicole isn’t doing what she’s doing because she’s a bad person at heart or something like that, but that doesn’t really reduce the harm or fault in the situation even if it provides context for her actions.

That’s not even mentioning the balancing act that sounds like. I can’t think of a way that Dancole wouldn’t be uncomfortable because from what I gathered (please correct me if I’m wrong) Nicole tries to get with Dante when he’s a minor and then later actually gets with him when he’s an adult. I can’t see how Nicole could stay a ‘good guy’ character after trying to date him as a minor, let alone see how her dating him as an adult could be handled well.

Tw, grooming, pedophilia, the cycle of abuse and how the themes correlate to Amaranth

Dw about sounding critical! This is a sensitive topic so I completely understand any kind of critical tone that comes with discussing it. It’s part of the deal with writing this stuff that criticism is expected.

One of the reasons I didn’t want to discuss these events happening in Amaranth yet is because I haven’t fully figured it out yet and they are subject to change with ever piece of media I consume or conversation I have, or simply just if im left alone to think for too long. That’s why my most recent posts about Dante and Nicole’s relationship were from about a year ago.

Most things I’ve said about Dante and Nicole’s relationship pre-recent discussion don’t apply. Nicole and Dante never date as adults, and in fact Nicole never steps foot in Phoenix Drop between the last chapter of Amaranth season 2 and beyond, despite the 15 year gap and all the time after that. Their relationship, which is how I will be referring to it due to a lack of better terms coming to mind though it isn’t at all to be considered genuinely romantic, lasts for all about a week during the events of Amaranth s2, and despite its brevity, it was a very bad situation and Nicole does face repercussions. Those of which I am still trying to figure out, as it’s a difficult spot to try and navigate.

By the time Nicole would face the punishments for her actions, it’s is known she is the heiress of Scaleswind. It’s known that she has immense amounts of power of Ru’Aun and that no physical harm can come to her. They couldn’t even imprison her without inviting another war. So far, the list of punishments ends with permanent exile, and to cut off contact with Dante entirely. The only conversation she should ever have with him is regarding politics and nothing beyond that. Even Dmitri isn’t a topic she is allowed to bring up with him. But of course I am considering other punishments as well as to leave it at ‘oh you can’t be here anymore’ feels too little for what she did.

But aside from it being written that she is very clearly in the wrong despite her lack of understanding, and a conversation she has with Garroth, it’s hard to try and figure out how to make it clear her actions aren’t forgivable. That’s why I wanted to wait until I had done some research to really talk about it, alongside other things of course. Because I’m still figuring out the finer details.

But, to simplify, Nicole isn’t going to be treated like a good person afterwards. It’ll be clear that Nicole is someone who did good things, but they don’t negate the bad. She’s going to be punished for what she did, and it’ll never be stated that what she did was okay.

Talking about the cycle of abuse doesn’t mean that the people that are caught in it are innocent, it means they’re victims as well, and that the only way for the cycle to be broken and to make sure no one else is hurt, is to make sure that victims are given the proper means of healing and coming to terms with what happened to them. It’s why Zane is still considered a villain even though his actions are a result of the abuse he experienced. Because he was never given the chance to heal from his abuse, he abused other people. He is not a good person, his actions are his own, but there is a reason for them and if he had been able to properly heal, or if the reasons didn’t exist at all, he wouldn’t have done what he did. And the same goes for Nicole. Both characters will be treated the same way in this regard. Zane will be held accountable for what he has done, Nicole will be held accountable for what she has done, because even if there are reasons for what they have done, there are also victims.

If anything I said here isn’t clear or makes it seem like I’m justifying anything, please let me know. And if you have any questions or criticisms about how I’m handling it, I’m more than happy to receive them. I wouldn’t post this stuff if I wasn’t open to actually discussing it.

Also yes, this makes Dmitri 15 in season 3. Older than canon but I don’t want to have Dancole happen again so it’s a needed change.

[bitchfitch]

tbh i think i finally cracked a nut I've been teething in for a while.

For the story to work Pavo has to be Far more eager to radically change his relationship to Esti than I think a man as stubborn as him would be. He's practically raised Esti and has trained him in everything Pavo Could train him in. For over a decade Esti has been such a fixture in his life that people are surprised to see one of them without the other if there's not a Really good reason for them to be apart.

And the cracking came because like. Pavo is not a man who can handle nuance well. He needs things to be emotionally simple and uncomplicated and to fit neatly into his hyper-toxic masculinity poisoned view on reality. Things that don't fit are to be destroyed discarded or broken down until they do.

His relationship with Esti Was simple. Of course a mentor would be proud of their apprentice and want boast about them at every turn and to spend as much time with them as possible. Of course they would want to push themselves to be a better example for them and to protect them from everything and to devote a massive amount of time and thought to them.

Even if Pavo would never admit it, not even to himself, he loved Esti like a son. And that was easy when Esti was still a child.

Esti grew up. He needed Pavo less and less as he became more independent and a man of his own.

And that terrified Pavo in a way he would never be able to put to words. Esti wasn't his son. He was his apprentice. there would be a day they'd have to say goodbye and even if Esti Swore he would visit. Why would he? They didn't share blood. Esti had no reason to butter him up for an inheritance. No younger siblings to come be a roll model for. Why would a grown man spend time with another man when there was nothing in it for him? Pavo would never admit how much being alone scared him. He'd been Fine alone before Esti. He'd be fine again.

Why would he want to see Esti again anyways? He taught him everything he could. Esti had been a chore. Pavo should be happy to soon be free of the responsibility of raising another man's kid.

He told himself that but he still wasn't. and for a guy so scared of his own feelings that was unacceptable. It was too complicated.

And then the party came around. The last birthday Esti would celebrate in this village, and the first one Pavo would celebrate with him. Pavo had always tried to make sure Esti had a life beyond his training, friends and acquaintances and those he would get sweet on from time to time. People he could spend time with and celebrate alongside. So Pavo had never been to give him a space free of his mentor.

The night went well, Esti lost a lot of his nerves the further into a bottle he got. All that doubt just spilling off him. Pavo had never seen him properly drunk, only ever the hangovers after. He'd rarely seen him so unconcerned and happy and open with his thoughts. Impulsive instead of constantly wrapped up in a knot of indecision.

Esti would be leaving in a weeks time. Pavo waited for the clock to strike midnight to congratulate him on becoming a man. he'd been an adult for years, but not a man so long as he lived under his mentor's wing.

Esti had stared at him, cheeks flushed and eyes bright. And then Esti was in his lap. Gangly legs either side of Pavos and thin but still strong arms wrapped tight around his shoulders. Kissing him like they were too long separated lovers.

And that was it. That was what Pavo needed when his heart was aching. not necessarily the kiss, but the closeness and touch and Esti there with him and not leaving him behind. He hadn't really ever thought of his apprentice in a sexual light. the odd intruding thought but nothing he ever actually considered acting on.

But now. Now it was a way to twist and recontextualize things. It was a reason to cling to Esti and hold him close and keep him and never have to say goodbye. It fit right in with Pavo's view of the world. He was strong, and despite everything Pavo had done to train and teach, Esti was still so very weak. He always would be because of his half blooded nature. He was weak, Pavo was strong. The strong protect the weak, the weak serve and thank the strong.

This was how Pavo would justify refusing to let Esti leave and clinging to him for as long as possible.

[twosentencereviews]

Clowns are good, actually

It's Halloween season, the most wonderful season of the year (wait your damn turn, Christmas). But this October I feel I need to set the record straight on something.

Clowns are great. Or at least they can be great. In fact, you probably already like at least one clown, even if you don't realize it.

These days, it seems like everyone is focusing on clowns as a horror icon. Whether it's Pennywise from Stephen King's It, or the Joker from Batman, Killer Clowns from Outer Space, Krusty from The Simpsons, or the Insane Clown Posse, everyone wants to cast clowns as something sinister. Ronald McDonald was one of the last wholesome white-faced clowns, and he's been largely been phased out.

Now, I will grant you, there is something uncanny about clowns when viewed up close. Making things worse, a lot of people's first exposure to a real professional clown is usually at a birthday party or a carnival, when they are a child. A young child in an overstimulating environment and interacting with a stranger in garish makeup intentionally behaving oddly can be disturbing, and can foster a very real phobia that lasts into adulthood.

But I also think that there's a reinforcing cycle there. Some people are afraid of clowns. That fear gets canonized into novels and movies and cartoons, so much so that culture starts to associate clowns with horror films more than with lighthearted comedy entertainment. That leads adults to stop hiring clowns ("we'll scare the kids"), causing more kids to be exposed to clowns through horror first, engendering even more fear.

That fear, though, falls apart when you realize that "clown" is not about the big shoes, red ball nose, and greasepaint makeup. Clowning is, really, just physical comedy and slapstick, often combined with performative stupidity. It's a close cousin to mime artistry, but may also include some amount of verbal jokes.

The iconic white makeup and colorful outfit originate in the realm of circus and carnival, where an entertainer with no microphone needs to amuse a crowd with lighthearted comedy. White makeup, with darker sections around the eyes and mouth, makes facial expressions "pop" to even someone in back of the audience. In other words, circus clown makeup looks weird up close because it's meant to be viewed from far away.

But you don't need that specific makeup or costume to be a clown. For one thing, the vaudeville clown of the early 20th century was more often "the tramp" archetype, with a dirty face, ragged clothes, and sometimes, a nose painted bright red to signify drunkenness.

Also, a lot of clowns aren't stage performers at all. They're movie stars, or TV stars. Of course there's Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin of the silent movie and early talkies. There's also the Three Stooges, iconic slapstick clowning. Harpo Marx of the Marx Brothers played the mostly nonverbal clown to offset his fast-talking brothers Groucho and Chico. Lucille Ball and her costars of I Love Lucy often used clowning, including the iconic candy factory scene. Much of Peter Sellers' work features clowning, most notably Inspector Clusoe of the Pink Panther series. Rowan Atkinson's comedy often is pure clowning, most notably in the character of Mr Bean. Other character-based film clowns include Jim Varney as Ernest and the recently passed Paul Reubens as Pee-Wee Herman.

Circus clowns aren't entirely gone either; if you've ever seen a Cirque du Soleil show (and if you haven't, you should) they sometimes have clowns come out during intermission to do crowd work. The few Cirques I've seen, the clowns have been hilarious, and the perfect palate cleanser between death-defying gymnastic performances that make up most of the show.

Clowning is also extremely difficult to really do well. Clowning is, like all comedy, highly sensitive to timing, you have to be pinpoint precise or the joke falls flat. That's hard enough with a verbal standup act, but when you add in exaggerated physical performances and remove most of the dialogue it gets nearly impossible. And you have to do all of this, while appearing like a clueless idiot, putting forth maximum effort to make it look like you aren't doing anything on purpose at all.

Clowning is an art form that is widely loved and one of humanity's oldest forms of entertainment. Its practitioners are some of our most well-known comedy entertainers throughout the 19th, 20th, and into the 21st centuries. It is a highly technical skill set, that can't look technical while being performed.

So can we stop making clowns horror villains all the time?

[weepingwillowwhipers]

This is an incredibly important point. 20 or more years ago no one was talking about Pathological Demand Avoidance, a type of autistic spectrum behavior that looks a lot like "just being defiant". It isn't because it is rooted in dysregulation and poor executive function. There is a big difference between a child refusing to do something (ie "defiance" or ODD) and a child being unable to do something because they lack developmental maturity or have some other obstacle (like ADHD, autism, or sensory processing disorders) that prevents them from doing that task. It's critically important to determine if a child can't do something instead of assuming they "won't" and are being defiant. If you look closely, there is almost always a reason for a specific behavior. Many years ago I worked with children in foster care. Many were POC, many lived in poverty, and nearly all had a massive amount of trauma. Unless they have had a chance to observe it close up, most people may not realize that responses to trauma and extreme emotional stress can look like other psychological disorders. Emotional stress can look a lot like ADHD with symptoms like poor concentration and disorganization. Both people with ASD disorders or those under extreme stress will sometimes get so overwhelmed they shut down and if pushed will have a meltdown, sometimes lashing out violently. A person who is too dysregulated to function needs undisturbed time and space to "reset". It is more similar to a toddler temper tantrum. And BTW, under emotional stress, almost all children regress and act younger than their chronological age. Another reason children might get labeled "defiant" is because they distrust adults in authority (often for good reason if they came out of abuse or neglect situations) and are anxious. Children don't have much control of their own lives and do far better with consistency. Having predictable routines and explaining to them what is going to happen next goes a long way toward seeing more cooperative behavior. So does giving children a few minutes of warning before changing activities. It helps all children but especially younger ones and ones with neurodiversity issues. This substantially cuts down on defiant behavior and meltdowns. It worked well on my own kids--one of whom is neurodivergent and the other is very strong-willed. It also worked well with foster children who had a lot of trauma and trust issues. It just requires more time and patience on the part of the adult. Psychological diagnoses are somewhat subjective depending on the experience of the clinician making the diagnosis. Race and class can definitely be factors that influence that diagnosis. So can many other things, like if the person is in a stable environment. I have seen case files where different clinicians gave the same person a different diagnosis because they saw them at different times or they had different specialties. It takes time to gather enough detailed information to make an accurate diagnosis--you need a good history and solid observations of a person's behavior. Particularly when some behaviors are common to several disorders and you have to choose the one that is the best fit. I don't want to minimize the main point from the OP. Systemic racism is very present in the medical field. (So is classism, sexism, ableism, etc.) If you are trying to make an accurate diagnosis it is important to look at the big picture and consider the person's social context, lived experiences, and how that could be impacting their behavior.

[brainbuffering]

New Forms of Story Telling and the Notion of Wasted Time

For the past year or so, I have been unable to play on my Switch. I didn’t own a TV, and my tremor caused by Functional Neurological Disorder meant that I couldn’t manage controllers. Yet recently I managed to save up enough money to buy a new TV, and a couple of second-hand controllers with better grip design and larger buttons that have made playing far more accessible for me! Not only this, but because my TV is now an OLED it has reduced the amount of flicker that was a worry because I have become more photosensitive in the last year too. 

So you would think this was a win! I can play Pokemon! I can play Ace Attorney! I can play Tears of the Kingdom! Games that have a huge impact on nerd culture and bring me joy to play. Especially since Video Games have clear narrative structures and goals which helps give me a serotonin boost of a task complete. 

Then why do I feel so guilty playing these games? Completing games that I own SHOULD be a good thing! I should feel as though I am effectively crossing things off my list. That I am not wasting money by letting them just sit there. Yet my desire to keep on playing these games makes me feel as though I am wasting time. I’ve convinced myself that I need to be doing something more intellectual with my time than trying to fight off robots with nothing but a tree branch to win a magic orb.  

We definitely seem to have created a hierarchy of storytelling, with Video Games somehow near the bottom. In terms of cultural respectability, it sits above Love Island but well below Hamlet. As a society, we value a notion of serious academic prose above all else in terms of respectability. Shakespeare is seen as the absolute pinnacle of respectability, when in reality it’s just as bawdy and bloody as anything you’d see today. After all, even Shakespeare thought “I fucked your mum” jokes were the height of comedic insult! (Titus Andronicus, Act 4, Scene 2). We refer to the Odyssey and the Iliad as THE Classics, stories worthy of serious academic study in their own right, when the constant gory battle scenes and eternal questing makes them no narratively different to most Video Games. 

Narratively speaking, The Twelve Labours of Hercules are just a series of fetch quests and timed missions. How is Hercules having to capture the Ceryneian Hind any different to Link having to capture a Stalhorse? What makes a deer with golden antlers more worthy of literary respect than the reanimated skeleton of a horse? Fundamentally, the only difference is that reading The Twelve Labours of Hercules is a passive activity where you have no control over the narrative, with no say in the method Hercules uses to capture the Hind – meanwhile in The Legend of Zelda, you are the one in control of Link and you are the one responsible for completing the quest. Despite both stories having a fixed narrative of capture and reward – in The Legend of Zelda how you go about solving the quest is up to the individual. 

Many people argue that Video Games are “mindless”-- they don’t require any thought or skill. Yet in reality, all gamers know this is simply not true! From Tetris to Doki Doki Literature Club, puzzle solving has always been a key part of video games. Puzzle Solving is vital for Brain Health, they’re especially recommended for adults with signs of early dementia. Anything that helps engage the brain in complex thinking is, medically speaking, an absolute positive! However, because the nature of the puzzle doesn’t come in an approved format, it is automatically dismissed by the broader public as having no value. 

Like all Disabled Queers, I’m absolutely opposed to the notion of upholding a social construct. I am of the firm belief that Video Games are art! They have creative value and are just a new form of storytelling that comes in a long line of narrative evolution.

“The free access which many young people have to romances, novels, and plays has poisoned the mind and corrupted the morals of many a promising youth…” is a quote that could have been said today, but is in actual fact from a 1771 letter to a “Town and Country” Magazine! Society has always been criticising young people consuming media. Today if you told your parents you were off to see The Barber of Seville you’d be praised for your dedication to the arts and intellectualism, yet in the 1770s you might as well be saying you’re planning to spend all night playing the new Dragon Age. 

If I can acknowledge all of this, then why does my ever increasing Manga TBR pile fill me with the same sense of guilt felt by a pile of incomplete maths homework? I think that it comes down to the notion of productivity. When reading a manga, I can write a review about it. I can produce an article. I can engage in relevant media criticism that is relevant to my degree. Meanwhile, when playing video games, I never have anything to add to the conversation. I’m usually always late to playing them so the hype has all but gone, and even when I do get it the same time as everyone else, I usually fall far behind everyone else very quickly. So I feel as though I have nothing useful to contribute to the conversation other than screen recording my various epic fails. 

This doesn’t diminish the fun I’ve had! But I think it does create a different level of expectations. I am bad at video games and this is a shameful thing because I cannot financially benefit from them. I am good at reading and writing and therefore spending time on perfecting this skill is worthwhile, as it may lead to later financial compensation. Even if I’m just reading about the trial and tribulations of being a heterosexual teenager with a crush, it feels as though the act of reading has far more overall value. There’s a slightly arrogant part of my brain that thinks others can benefit from my expert opinion on the subject of comics and art. 

Fun isn’t allowed to come into it. Everything I do has to have some sort of net benefit to my career and well being. It’s the idea that if I can’t one day make money from it, it doesn’t matter. If I can’t turn a hobby into a job then I shouldn’t have the hobby to begin with. And it’s funny, because in writing this blog post, I am doing just that! I am applying my critical thinking skills to discussing the notion of what art is. My Critical Historical Studies teachers would be proud. But it is also kind of sad that I felt I had to write over 1400 words to make the hundreds of hours I’ve poured into Zelda feel worthwhile. 

I set myself reading targets this year based on my previous achievements. Last year I read a book every day and I assumed that I could easily do it again. I am very much not reading a book a day. It’s creating such an intense, sometimes paralysing, sense of guilt within me for not living up to an expectation that only I have myself to blame for. In reality, I’m actually being significantly far more productive than I was last year! I go outside every day. I’m starting to write professionally, with one article published and two more commissioned in the works! I’ve even begun to take up cycling with a local disability group! In all ways that matter, I am getting back to a happier and more balanced life. That’s the goal I need to work towards, not making sure I have all the boxes ticked on Storygraph! I need to understand that happiness is far more important source of self-fulfilment than any other arbitrary notion of success.

More importantly, I need to allow myself to enjoy things for pure fun again, and that includes spending forty minutes on the character creation team trying to make my character look the most Gender as possible. And not spending a week writing, planning and researching a blog post to give me an excuse to feel as though questioning parrots in court is a noble and intellectual thing to do.  

[elvisabutler]

i'm on my knees and i can't wait to taste your rain

summary: austin is such a good boy for his mama. the best of boys especially at the oscars. rating: m. word count: 1943 ( blurbs, i said. blurbs. ) warnings: mommy kink. oral ( f ). dom/sub dynamic. anxiety attacks being alluded to as well as general anxiety. public play. vibrating cockring. orgasm control. the oscars? author's note: so. welcome to day three of kinktober: mommy kink with austin. if i haven't made it very clear, i love writing sub austin so much. you could give me a million prompts of it and i'd enjoy writing this man being a good boy. absolute puppy of a man, y'all. also treat me nice fans, peep me dropping sub austin in another closet/bathroom. i'm really enjoying kinktober, y'all. if you knew the things i had up my sleeves. also gif credit to @karamelcoveredolicity who blessed us all with this.

Austin is a good boy, a good man, a good puppy. He's polite to a fault, hardworking and one of the kindest souls you have every had the pleasure of knowing. Austin is gorgeous but seems to enjoy pretending he isn't, he seems to enjoy pretending that if acting doesn't pan out he could model. It'd be annoying on anyone but Austin.

But Austin is also one of the more anxious people you've met. He stays too much in his own head and can't always get himself out of it. You realize this when he's so nervous for an interview that he's shaking and no matter what trick or technique he tried he couldn't calm himself. The only thing that had worked was your hands on his shoulders telling he'd be okay over and over until you had heard him say "I heard you, mama" softly. The phrase sends such a shock to your system that you drop your hands so quickly you'd have thought Austin's skin was on fire. Austin's eyes widen and he opens his mouth to say something- anything- to explain himself before he's dragged to the proper backstage. You weren't his mama, you had done something like that other people, but to Austin? No, that hadn't crossed your mind. You weren't sure if you could do it. You stay in the dressing room until Austin comes back in. His lower lip is essentially completely in his mouth has he gnaws on it. You frown realizing just how far he's back in his head looking at you.

"Tell mama what's wrong, baby boy." You whisper as you stand up and take his hands in your own.

The relief on his face at your words and the way he sags against your body tell you that you made the right choice with your words that night. You learned just how much he needed a mama like you, someone to help him, someone to be there for him when others wouldn't be or wouldn't do. It made you wonder why you ever thought you couldn't do this with him. As he said that night and so many other nights in your lap.

"I think you might have been made just for me. Just to be my mama and to live your own life."

He only ever has said it in your lap, you never press about it otherwise.

Oscar season was going to be rough no matter what, you both knew this. It's why you had made sure that your schedule- as packed as it normally was at the beginning of the year was clear. It was an adjustment, telling your job that yes, you needed this time blocked off and if anyone needed your help you'd be available to talk but not for extensive amounts of time. You didn't usually attach conditions to your relationship with Austin, either as his mama or as his girlfriend but you had asked him to after award season was done to respect the fact that you were going to basically be living at the office. He had agreed with a bit of a pouty lip, but he was an adult, he could handle it.

It's the night of the ceremony and you specifically had told Austin that while it was the most important night of his life, he also needed to be in the moment enough to enjoy it. The two of you had come up with the idea of the vibrating cockring. By now- months from that interview you had learned that controlling when Austin could orgasm- controlling how hard his cock could be- was the best way to ensure he stayed focused and in the moment with you. You know you're not famous enough to be next to him in the cast pictures, you're not famous at all really but you still try and stay close, the remote for his cock ring in the pocket of your dress. It's in one of the photos on the red carpet that you see his hand shaking behind Priscilla's back and you turn up the vibration setting one level.

You can hear his intake of breath from a distance and you see his hand has stopped shaking before you realize that he's walking over to you with eyes that have had their pupils overtake most of the iris. His hand moves to grab your arm in an attempt to pull you close enough for him to whisper in your ear.

"Mama, I can't- you can't do that when I'm by Priscilla, she thought something was wrong." He practically hisses. There's no malice in his tone just worry that he exposed himself.

You smile for the cameras that are taking both of your pictures before leaning in to his ear and turning the vibration up one more level. "I'm your mama, baby boy, I can do it when I want. You were shaking. You needed it."

He opens his mouth to deny it before you raise your eyebrows and tilt your head just so, a sign that he knows means you will accept no arguments from him. Instead he shuts his mouth and moves to kiss you, something he knows the camera will enjoy. Austin Butler, man of the hour, the one who's likely to be the only one to take on Brendan Fraser for the best actor prize, kissing his lawyer girlfriend. He grabs your face as he's done a million times, both hands cupping your cheeks and you for once mirror him in front of the cameras, your own hands moving to cup his cheeks. He nuzzles into them and you can't help the soft smile that crosses your lips as you kiss him when you feel it.

"Color, baby boy?" You ask as you pull away.

"Green." A beat, and a murmur. "Need you though, mama. Need to taste your pussy when we go in. Please?"

You chuckle softly as you pull away. "Be good and we'll see."

Being good was a challenge, it shouldn't have been but you decided to up the ante to make sure Austin didn't start to panic about what was going to be happening tonight. What might not happen tonight. By the time you and him are at the end of the red carpet Austin's practically vibrating as if the cockring is making his whole body vibrate with it. His arm is around you and his mouth is by your ear the second you're away from the constant flashes of cameras.

"Please mama, please, I've been good. You're being mean but I'm such a good boy. Such a great boy for you." The words come out in what sounds like Elvis's southern drawl, half slurred and you find that it does something for you. Enough of something that you find yourself dragging him to the nearest room with a lock and forcing him in there. The second the door is locked you're bunching up your dress. The joys of buying your own and wearing it, you didn't have to worry about a designer getting mad you wrecked it.

"On your knees, Austin." You say as you shimmy out of your underwear.

He doesn't even hesitate his knees hitting the floor with a thump that has you wincing before you feel his tongue against your slit, causing a surprised "oh" to leave your mouth. He blows a puff of cold air against the warm line he had just left before humming and diving in. He eats you out like a man starved, his tongue flicking at your clit before dipping into your cunt a pale imitation of his dick or his fingers but the sensation of something slipping in and out of your cunt as quick as his tongue does has you gripping at the table behind you. He pulls away when he realizes your hands aren't in his hair.

"Hair, mama."

Two words before he's back against your core, focusing his attention on sucking at your clit, his faint 5 o'clock shadow scraping at cunt and the insides of your thighs. You let your hands move down to his hair, pulling it and earning a groan as well as a shiver from him. You know you have to be quiet, you two can't get caught, not tonight of all nights so you bite your lips even as you feel Austin's fingers join his tongue, curling just so to have your hips bucking against his face his nose putting pressure on your clit. You two are going to get caught but maybe it's worth it. Maybe it's worth it to make your baby boy happy, to give him the reward he deserved for being so good on the red carpet. To give him an incentive to be good throughout the ceremony.

"Such a good boy for your mama, Austin. The best boy a mama can ask for, god, baby, right there, fuck-" You whimper your thighs clenching around his head as you feel yourself right on the edge of coming. Austin smiles against you and nips at your clit and you clench even tighter as your toes curl and you lean back, your head hitting the wall behind you and your back arching before you come back down in a flash. Austin doesn't stop licking, almost as if he's trying to clean up the mess he made of you before he pulls back, his mouth covered in your juices.

"Best boy?" His eyes are a little lidded, but not enough that you're concerned for his well being. This is what he needed, this should settle him enough for most of the ceremony.

Your hand moves to the lapel of his jacket and you use the grip to pull him up to a standing position as best as you can. "The absolute best boy. A boy who's earned not having the cock ring on. Because mama knows her best boy can hold off on coming without it. Can't he?"

He nods slowly as he watches your hand sneak into his pants and with an ease he marvels at, manage to get the ring off without too much trouble. He sees your underwear on the floor and grabs them as you put the cock ring in your clutch. You eye the underwear until he says something.

"Can I keep them for a good luck charm tonight?" He asks, his face contorting into what you'd like to say is the best impression of a puppy dog that you've ever seen before. It makes your heart hurt and feel so full of love that you can't help but kiss Austin before you answer, tasting yourself on his lips.

"You can. Going to keep being a good boy tonight?" It's a question you don't need to ask but you figure checking in won't hurt as you straighten out your dress.

"With your panties in my pocket? Why wouldn't I be, mama?" He looks in the mirror and fixes his hair before turning to you. "Back out to that?"

"Back out to that, baby boy." You nod, taking his hand and squeezing it. "You're gonna win. Trust me when Mama says that."

He does and when he's thanking his mama in his speech everyone thinks he's just talking about Lori. And you know he is, but you also know his eyes don't ever leave yours when he says I couldn't have done this without my mama and you know it wasn't just her he was talking about. He might be the best boy in all of world to you, but to him, you might just be the best mama in all of the world.

[dolugecat]

On some Japanese social issues I had learned about at uni and abroad):

(Rb ok!)

Legit had an epiphany about the true hidden meaning of the last arc of Mob Psycho 100. It’s hella projection but for real there is nothing neurotypical about Mob or Mob Psycho. I do not wish to enforce my interpretation on others (ironic bc I do that all the time but this is a serious social theory). There are some interesting and very sad social issues in Japan that the west really doesn’t understand but would I think help people understand a lot of context behind not only Mob Psycho, but also a lot of other anime. I learned this at my shitty university (prestigious but horrific) and while studying abroad in Japan and talking with Japanese peers. Get ready here we go (and tw for bullying and darker things):

Unfortunately in East Asian education systems, bullying can be extremely intense. Growing up I assumed it was over exaggerated extremely in anime for drama but it really can be so horrific. From what I’ve heard, there is often a single kid or so who is just shit on by everyone else, even the teacher. Mogami land *is* the reality of some Japanese kids. I’ve read that in Korea, this social punching bag sometimes is just the darkest skinned person (yayyy colorism /angry) and or someone who does not fit in. I mean, we have that in America too, but maybe not as common for the bullying to be as focused on one misfit rather than several. These kids just can’t escape the stigma too, kids from other schools find out they were a major victim at their old school and it starts anew. Thus there is so much stigma and incentive to join in on bullying so you aren’t the one. Sadly, this also ofc leads to higher suicide rates. That’s where the “shoe on building roof” anime trope comes in, bc somehow taking off shoes is relayed to death (I forgot why sorry)

There is a difference in how intense in general high school vs college is too. In the West, commonly college is the more intense curriculum and is harder than high school, but in Japan it’s usually the opposite. Grind suuuupppeeerrrr hard for entrance exams (huge standardized tests that determines what college you can qualify to) bc unlike the ACT or SAT here, that test is by far the most important factor for college admission. Then chill and relax a bit in college. Can’t relate. Name and prestige is very critical for job application, more important than here. That’s why planning out your future is sooo much more intense for Japanese high schoolers than in America, and why there is sooo much more pressure to excel in high school than here. Japanese school years and holidays are done different than ours, I’d suggest looking it up.

Social prestige of going to an American high school or college is nuts. Like whyyy do you value our shitty education, Japan’s is much higher quality (it’s bc we neo colonized them). Being able to speak English is very, very highly valued and any association with Americans make you cooler. From my experience, some Japanese students got very excited to practice speaking English with us, and their biggest issues with learning it is pronunciation, lmao. Wasai english is unique slang that is indeed English words but it’s kinda different and it’s kinda jarring to remember lol. So, Teru having parents that are working overseas isn’t too uncommon, idk about leaving him absolutely alone, but I did have a ex-friend who just came from Japan in middle school who’s situation probably wasn’t too far off from that. Empty wealth with no love, it’s no wonder those kind of people can end up being huge bullies (minori?)

I did a presentation on 引きこもり(hikikomori) for which means “shut in”, (like Serizawa) and it’s fucked up. It’s a social phenomena where according to some Japanese researchers a mix of undisciplined parenting, guilt/not living up to expectations, and hopelessness makes an alarming amount of youth/ young adults literally never go out side their house/room. Often a parent is “enabling” the behavior by supporting them, but idk the articles seemed a bit victim-blaming to me when I read it, but I don’t think I should make a judgement too hard, not my place. I will say I do suspect and believe I read something to support that ASD might play a role in hikikomoris (there is pitiful resources for autistic people in Asia, much much less support than even here, to the point I don’t think most know it exists). Like come on, with the other points I laid out my personal opinion as an Asian American with autism is that it really seems it’s unknowing ableism against autistic classmates, but I didn’t grow up in Asia so I don’t want to say.

Mental health in general is tragically quite abysmal in Japan, and with it being so hyper competitive and brutal work culture, it’s no surprise birth rate in Japan is so low; some Japanese young adults say it seems unethical to bring a life to such hostile world. Suicide rate is of the highest in the world. It’s fucked, I’ve interacted with some of the locals in Tokyo and they were so nice, but the business men just looked dead inside, it’s so sad.

Relationships between child and parent is also strained bc of this intense work and school culture. Quality time is too scarce when you gotta work so much. And the pressure from parents to do well in education or else you might end up socially stigmatized is rough. Bc your job is who you are, it’s hyper capitalism (thanks us for making them do this)

With autism being so unknown, support for parents in raising autistic kids is almost nonexistent. What happens if the “darker” side of ASD shows up in kids? I used to be a menace when I had meltdowns, I felt so bad but really just became so indiscriminately violent. See where this is going? Legit, I think ESP is a sort of metaphor for neurodivergance to ONE. There is so much stigma around it, and even less way for kids to understand why they are different than the others. My Korean family can’t admit we all got ASD, too much fear and internalized shame.

I got finally diagnosed with ASD as an adult and I’ll tell ya, I relate too much to Mob hurting Ritsu. I felt so bad, but also not in control, I knew what I was doing but not how to stop. Luckily, is was blessed in that my hyperfixations involved science and logic, so I did well at school. Sadly, our boy Mob just don’t got the passion or ability to do well at school. His kanji is very bad, even to point of not being confident he wrote a kanji (世) they learn when they are 9, in elementary school (thanks @katyatalks). Him being a bit berated by his parents for having bad grades and bending spoons seems harsh to Westerners I think, but IMO it’s pretty tame from what I’ve seen of some Asian parents (I get to say that lmao). Ofc, however the shaming is very real and Mob just agreeing with them about how weird and stupid he thinks he is so sad. There is even more pressure for the eldest to be better than here, I feel from some interactions. Nonetheless, it’s implied Mob is quite emotionally detached from his parents, even though he loves them, which also adds to his emotional complex. Combined with originally fragile self esteem and feelings of worthlessness, we got one emotionally stunted boy. However, contrary to common belief people with ASD are sometimes hyper empathic and experience emotions very intensely. We are prone to having “meltdowns” which if not assisted with can be quite violent if very intense. For me, my worse meltdowns as a kid came from when I didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting what I wanted, it seemed selfish and cruel of me but I couldn’t control it. I wanted to be a good kid, so why did hit my moms leg at target when she refused to buy me Pokémon toys? I couldn’t come up with a good reason for why my mind just commanded my body to do bad things, just a single thought was controlling me, I want I want I want I want I want ____. Which I argue could be what ???% represents… bc well…. Yeah….. hmm….. not in control of self (mob unconscious), selfish (not actually, I’ve forgave myself but my “normal” kid self was so ashamed), destructive, hurt family, wanting to stop but can’t, that’s kind of…. Too relatable.

But legit, since realizing my new HC, I’ve started to think of the last chapter of mp100 when I “explode” and it helps me feel better and I do gain “control” a bit easier. I don’t feel so bad anymore either, Mob!

[thegeminisage]

john abused both dean AND sam, just differently. in this essay i will

prove that the abuse manifested in different ways for each of them because that’s how abuse works in real life. this is based on the fact that john saw dean as mary’s surrogate but once he found out about the deal and sam having demon blood he blamed sam for her death. ok let’s fucking go

dean as mary’s surrogate

there are loads of parallels made between dean and mary in early season spn and late season spn. in season 12 dean directly calls himself sam’s mother, but even earlier than that we see him doing the cooking and child rearing. compare that to all the parallels made between sam and john (both of them losing their blonde woman significant others in a ceiling fire) and it’s clear that dean was meant to more resemble mary. it’s not a stretch to say that if we can see it as viewers this is how john saw it in his actual life. i do think john loves dean for being dean but he loves him more for being mary.

sam as the reason behind mary’s death

i think once john learned that sam had demon blood, some part of him must have always been waiting for the other shoe to drop with sam, not ever fully believing this kid was human, and maybe not even knowing if this kid was HIS. a popular theory back in the day was that YED fathered sam (something they had to actually address in season 4 to stop the speculation), and if WE speculated that hard, surely john must have too. i’m sure he loves sam as an extension of mary, and keeps and raises and protects him BECAUSE he’s mary’s, but similarly (or maybe inverse) to dean, i don’t know if he ever fully gave himself permission to love sam for being sam. in fact, i imagine john harbors a lot of self-loathing for failing to save mary. if we directly parallel john and sam, that means by some extent he would also hate sam.

john trusted dean with far too much, and sam with far too little

dean knew about monsters; sam didn’t. dean had memories of their mother and the night she died, and shared that trauma of watching her die with john; sam didn’t. dean knew when john was supposed to be home and who to call if he wasn’t; sam didn’t. dean was given the money and the guns and the CAR ITSELF; sam wasn’t. dean was taught to drive; SAM WASN’T. 

dean was expected to do everything john was supposed to have been doing in his absence - he was to be a mother and father to sam, he was supposed to protect sam from evil, he was supposed to see to sam’s meals and homework and getting to school on time. and he was put under an EXTRAORDINARY amount of pressure not to screw this up even a little bit, despite the fact that he was only a kid. sam on the other hand was kept on a strict need-to-know basis for his entire life, right up until season 1 when they reunite at last. john didn’t trust sam with ANYTHING, and sam knew it. this contributed to his lifelong anger issues because he didn’t DO anything to warrant that kind of mistrust and probably got gaslit about it a lot of times either by john himself or dean (unknowingly, by parroting/believing the things john said). even in the pilot sam says very casually of his mother “she’s gone,” because her memory doesn’t hold the same place of reverence for him - best guess is that john didn’t talk about her much to sam because he didn’t trust sam with emotional stuff either. in s14 we learn that dean was the one who told sam stories about mary, including her terrible casserole - and their attempt at recreating it infuriated john to the point of him throwing the entire concoction in the trash.

john relied on dean for everything, and refused to rely on sam for anything

canonically dean was the one who comforted john after a bad hunt, looked after and fed his brother when john wasn’t around. dean knew how to use a shotgun; sam didn’t. dean knew who to call in an emergency; sam didn’t. dean knew about monsters; sam didn’t. this was done under the guise of “protection for sammy” but turn it around and it’s also protection FROM sammy. think of how angry john gets when he learns sam has been having psychic visions. he’s not just angry that dean didn’t report it to him, he’s angry that the demon’s plans for sam are coming to pass, and that sam is becoming less human. again, he can’t TRUST sam if sam’s not human, and it proves to john that he was right all along to keep sam in the dark as much as possible.

john gave dean too much freedom, and sam no freedom at all

“watch out for sammy.” sam was under constant supervision by either dean or john; john made sure of it. again, it’s protection FOR sam but also protection FROM him, in case he did something inhuman or evil. dean on the other hand was left alone without any supervision at all for days or even weeks at a time - he resorts to stealing bread and peanut butter and (according to jackles) turning tricks for money. he had to make it work and got up to whatever the fuck he wanted when john wasn’t looking. sam had to LITERALLY run away from home before he got the simple pleasure of eating pizza and having a dog by himself, independently. dean was given too much independence and freedom but sam was kept on such a short leash he had none at all.

john made dean feel unworthy, and he made sam feel unclean

when dean fails to protect sam from the shtriga in the season 1 flashbacks, he says his dad looked at him differently after. he also implies that john physically beat him when sam ran away in flagstaff. whether he meant to or not, john made it abundantly clear that his love for dean was not unconditional; it depended very much on how well dean performed the multitude of tasks john assigned him. dean grew up believing that his only worth was in what he could do for other people. he demonstrates this an an adult over and over and over, from letting his possessed family members beat him up to refusing to take care of his own needs, emotional and otherwise, and snapping at people who try to talk to him about his own feelings.

on the other hand, sam talks in season 8 about how even at a very young age he felt impure and unclean, even before he knew that he had demon blood, even before he knew that there was any such thing as monsters. kids aren’t stupid, and sam picked up on the vibes john was putting off - that john didn’t trust him, might not have loved him, and might not have considered him human or even his own child. without even knowing why, he spent his entire life feeling unclean and inhuman, not worth of being loved by his own family. even dean, who we all know loves sam unconditionally, admits in season 14 that he often took dad’s side on arguments because he had “his own stuff,” further leading to the alienation that was sam’s constant companion growing up. 

AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY:

JOHN’S ABUSE PITTED SAM AND DEAN AGAINST EACH OTHER

john saved dean after their shared trauma of mary’s death. dean says in season 1 that the reason he stopped talking was that he was scared. iirc john’s journal implies he was mute for over a year, and dean in season 2 says that when he was 6 or 7 his dad took him shooting for the first time. if mary died just before dean’s fifth birthday, the timeline works out to dean talking again because john took him shooting. i believe that dean hero worships his father because after mary’s death, and dealing with the terror that something like that could come in and take his family away by killing them horribly at any time without any warning, john learning to fight back against the darkness - and teaching dean to do the same - is what gave dean his voice again. BOTH of them saw and carried the memory of mary burning on the ceiling for the rest of their lives. “watch out for sammy” and “get the thing that killed mom” were dean’s reasons to get up in the morning, because they were john’s reasons to get up in the morning. these things were LITERALLY his reasons for living. john gave dean a way to fight back against fear and gave him a cause to keep him going. abuse or not, dean never stopped being grateful for that, and he was the only other person in the whole world who understood the unique horror of what john went through that night. even all the way into season 10, he tells other people that john did right by him. it’s borderline brainwashing. part of dean’s self-worth will always be based on how good of a son he was to john.

on the other hand, knowingly or not, john did everything possible to alienate sam. he kept him on a short leash while also keeping him at arm’s distance. he didn’t trust sam with emotional things like the memory of mary, he didn’t trust sam with the truth about monsters and what they did for a living, he didn’t trust sam with his plans, he didn’t trust sam with the truth about demon blood. canon STRONGLY suggests john knew YED bled in sam’s mouth as a baby, but instead of telling sam or even dean about that, sam had to learn about it in a horrible flashback recreated by YED himself. when sam wanted to go to school, john told him no, and when he left anyway, john told him not to come back.

this is an equal but opposite kind of abuse. john totally fucked up BOTH his kids in complete inversions to each other.

which means that, no matter what john did, it caused sam and dean to fight. this isn’t an interpretation. this is straight up canon.

again, dean says in s14 that he frequently took dad’s side in arguments because he had his own stuff to deal with, and he was trying to keep the peace. dean, a victim of emotional (and implied sometimes physical) abuse himself, was not able to shield sam from all of john’s bullshit. he could stop sam from getting hit and having to see john during the worst of his drunken rages, but he couldn’t trick sam into thinking john loved him unconditionally, because john didn’t love either of his kids unconditionally.

when john acted in a way that was not befitting of a parent, sam rightfully took exception, which forced dean (who was ALSO BEING ABUSED, almost brainwashed) to jump to his defense. that led to john getting to do whatever the hell he wanted and sam and dean arguing about the effects. when sam ran away in flagstaff, DEAN was punished, leading dean to resenting sam for that incursion, even though sam was perfectly right to want to get away from an abusive household. when sam did a normal thing wanting to leave for college at age 18, he left, and dean resented him for that because that meant he was alone to bear the brunt of john’s anger. 

sam repeatedly made logical, emotionally healthy choices in attempting to break the family dynamic, but because of JOHN’S BEHAVIOR, not sam’s, those choices wound up causing dean harm. JOHN HIMSELF was the ultimate wedge between sam and dean growing up and beyond.

and let’s not forget the biggest sin - john spent 22 years impressing upon dean that taking care of sammy was EVERYTHING, and then without any explanation at all, he asked dean to kill him, and then he DIED, which meant dean had to carry that weight by himself (because again, he’s been trained not to trust sam with things). like of COURSE sam got angry when he found out - that’s fucking fucked up! once again sam is being treated like a ticking time bomb for absolutely no reason - he didn’t ask to have demon blood or psychic visions or a dead mom or an abusive father. nor did dean ask to be saddled with the upbringing of an entire human at four years old who he then might have to kill. because dean will always feel gratitude towards john, and sam will always feel resentment, and because based on john’s treatment of them BOTH OF THESE FEELINGS ARE JUSTIFIED, john continues to cause fights between sam and dean long after he’s dead and gone, and that will never change.

on a final note: i’d like to bring this around to season 13.

after cas, mary, kelly, and crowley all die (or are presumed dead in mary’s case) in the season 12 finale, season 13 opens with nobody but sam and dean and jack. dean directly blames jack for these deaths. he says so multiple times. he says where jack can hear him that he knows jack is evil and impure and cannot be saved and calls jack a freak. when jack tries repeatedly to kill himself dean says to jack’s face not to bother, because WHEN jack does go bad, dean will be the one to kill him. dean does NOT see jack as castiel’s child - he sees jack as someone who brainwashed cas and kelly both and got them killed. dean does not even see jack as a human person worthy of life. from the get-go, all he wants is to put jack down. jack is born into a world shaped by pain and grief and anger, where people hate him simply for what he is and who died to get him here. 

and again, sam identifies hard with jack. he justifiably protests dean’s treatment of him. jack is a kid and didn’t ask for any of this. jack is terrified of dean. sam reminds dean that john said all these things about sam that dean is saying about jack. john is still causing a rift between his sons over a decade after his death.

eventually, after jack uses his powers and brings back cas from the empty, dean pulls his head out of his ass and admits that he was wrong. he calls jack his kid more than once, and jack refers to dean as one of his dads. but the damage has already been done. jack struggles multiple times with his powers, accidentally hurting people and then wishing himself dead after. he also struggles without them; even when using his powers means using up pieces of his soul, he does it, because dean taught him that he’s only worthy of being loved and trusted if he’s “good.” even when he has NO SOUL, when jack does something bad he panics about it and seeks to undo it at any cost. that’s how deep the damage runs.

i see a lot of people remarking that in the arc of 13.01-13.05, dean became john, and i agree that he did. but dean didn’t do to jack what john did to him. dean did to jack what john did to SAM.

[spn masterpost]