#but there is still a visible sorta love there which came about rather early so you get the feeling that they're not just tolerating

[midnightcowboy1969]

this is how Michael & Joey watch movies when Nicole's not home

sorry for putting rich & mike rlm on your dash

[mc-critical]

How do you think Şah Huban and Ibrahim's relationship really was? We've never been given insights about it and while I would have loved flashbacks, the way it is also fits well imo. Şah has an air of mystery around her, part of why I love her so, because I love unravelling ambiguous yet clear characters with hints but not insights to their backstory. I've always been drawn to them and Şah Huban is another one of them.

Personally, I can see why they would be drawn to each other at first. They are both shown as appreciative of art, very intelligent and pragmatic and have a similar personality, but in the long run I can't see them working as both prefer to be the dominant partner and Şah is very prideful and always maintains a power balance with those not from the family, whereas Ibrahim is quite insecure. They'd clash.

Even Hatice's reminder of his status hurt him so much that he started an affair with Nigar. According to him, it was a loss of innocence between them and for sure Hatice's innocence, purity, and nativity is what I think drew him to her, and I can see why. Among all the darkness of politics, power plays, his own insecurities and early loss of innocence, Hatice would have been the one ray of light to him..Their entire early interactions and love was so pure and free of darkness and I don't think he ever had that with Şah, who I don't think was ever innocent.

Şah also told Hürrem that Ibrahim is quite difficult to control and I thought that was maybe hinting at the past. It always seemed to me that she was the one who ended things with Ibrahim, judging by her and Ibrahim's interactions ( I really wish we had more of those ) and I have many theories why.

Also, my personal interpretation is that she did move on from Ibrahim and only had vestiges of her feelings for him, his memories to be more precise, left by the time we see her. Unlike many people, I don't think her unwillingness to be with Lütfi sexually or romantically has anything to do with Ibrahim. I just don't think she loves him or wants him and I can see why tbh. While he is a decent enough politician, he doesn't have much personality to be attracted to nor demeanor lmao. even the way he read her that piece of poetry was quite dry, and he is visibly much older than her.

What do you think?

{I also love Şah's character for much of the same reasons you do. Her lack of a backstory and more simplistic design that isn't put through a deconstruction for a character arc in the way Hatice's was during S02/3 bring us one of the most unique characters in the whole franchise. These aspects of her personality complement her motivation and I find her motivation to be the most fascinating element about her that makes for an interesting, contrasting duality in all her relationships. Revealing more backstory for her risks throwing all this out of the window, that's why I'm usually okay with that the show not delving deeper into her past.}

Still, in the case of Ibrahim, I agree that we could've seen a few more flashbacks. I feel Şah's distance and tiny resentment of Hatice stems from her previous feelings for Ibrahim and more flashbacks would put that distance and resentment into more context, which I don't think would harm her character all that much. It would actually help flesh out Şah's relationship with Hatice on a deeper level and that's always welcome for me, since I found their relationship to be the epitome of where Şah's character shines the most. All these delicious contrasts, the way her ambition goes with the care she has for the people she's closest to.... I love it! sorry for the blabbering

I also pretty much agree with your view on Şah and Ibrahim's relationship. They definetly wouldn't get on all that well - their ideals would clash right out of the gate and Şah isn't a person that would pull rank out of ignorance, it's not something she wants to detach from, no, she's living with her position and she's proud of it. Anytime Ibrahim would disagree with Şah, I feel she's going to pull rank instantly. And that's not something that Ibrahim would bear - Hatice did it one time and that one time was enough to make him doubt his whole relationship with her, I believe with Şah it's going to be an even more reccuring conflict and it's going to make things even worse.

I believe that in Manisa, in their past, Şah didn't have hopes for so long when it came to Ibrahim. Maybe she learned very quickly that he didn't have any feelings for her. Maybe Ibrahim didn't pay all that much attention to Şah and if she tried to give him subtle hints, he didn't catch on them at first. If Ibrahim and Hatice indeed had tiny crushes on each other that just hadn't had the chance to flourish yet in Manisa (as the flashback from E58 implied) and Şah became aware of this? All these factors could've contributed to Şah moving forward, along with her ambitious personality. Even her older self isn't a person who would fight what she views as a pointless battle (she didn't want to fight Mihrimah, she didn't get why Hürrem was such a problem at first, she could hold her part in the decisions SS made for Hatice off for so long) and her love for Hatice was apparently present even when they were kids (the whole horse situation), so these would be decent enough reasons for her to want to step out of it.

Her getting to know Ibrahim more personally after he could've gotten the hint is very likely, too. Her "he's difficult to control" line is definetly something to ruminate on: maybe she decided that they wouldn't get along despite of all, because yes, she would like to be on the more controlling side of the relationship. Not only is Ibrahim very insecure and wouldn't handle it when someone is pulling rank on him, this line could hint that a part of Ibrahim has had that ambitious side of him back in Manisa. Not as much in terms of power, but rather as in his sharp mind and dreams he had together with SS to conquer more than Alexander the Great and maybe Şah felt this aspect of his ambition whenever they've interacted. That means he could have exerted some amount of control in the relationship, and maybe Şah wouldn't be so okay. Both could be very dominating and that could very well show even earlier. There wouldn't be any innocence in their relationship, it would only result in clash of personalities and philosophies and probably both of them got aware of this. While with Hatice it was possible for both of them to get over their extremely idealistic delusions, because they both were able and willing to reason with one another deep down, you wouldn't get that with Şah. It's probable she would consider herself right and not realize what's wrong, especially in terms of pulling rank, because well, that's what the tradition and law stands on and for her, Ibrahim's only role is to fit the mold.

Yup, Şah definetly had some of her feelings for Ibrahim remaining, because that's what moved a lot of her conflict with Hatice. Maybe she felt some jealousy that Hatice succeeded to make this work and that could be also a part of why she wanted to stop Hatice from grieving and didn't tell her where Ibrahim's grave was, but on the other hand, she had accepted it to an extent, as seen by her reaction when she learned about the infidelity. One could argue that she got irritated because of her own feelings, but I feel she felt bad for Hatice, too, and was really surprised that he pulled something like this. Yet both circle back to her own feelings anyways. Another reason why I think she didn't get over her feelings for him completely is that (most of) what she does is driven by personal desire and attacks directed to her personal bonds and attachments. It's Hatice's suicide attempt that drove Şah to act against Hürrem, but it's also Ibrahim's death that made her at least think whether should she act, in my opinion, because of something so surprising happening to a personal attachment of hers, seemingly all of the sudden. (in E84, she also said in front of Ibrahim's grave that she wouldn't let his blood stay on the ground) Şah's actions are driven by feelings more than anything else, but she tries her best to mask these feelings and only use them as fuel to her more pragmatic plans, if that means letting go of them or discarding them completely. She puts mind over emotion not because she doesn't have emotion or vulnerability or feelings lingering from the past, it's more because she considers pragmatism and careful planning the better, more effective way to achieve her goals. Just like the dynastic views and the elitism, it's something engrained in her she's proud of, but in the case of her feelings, when she's alone or with Hatice she can open herself a bit more. But because she has gotten over Ibrahim, she would never admit outright she has something for him in front of him or Lïtfi later.

I also don't think Ibrahim has ever had feelings for Şah to begin with. I don't think he forgot their experiences and memories completely (the "did your love turn into hate?" line) , but he has definitely left them behind him, even more than Şah herself.

While I think the love for another (Ibrahim) was a part of Şah's distaste for Lütfi, especially because the first hint of conflict between them, as far as I recall, was him sorta shading on Ibrahim in E82, it's definetly not the only factor. He just isn't a guy she could fall in love with, no matter how much he seemed to love her (more like tough love, but still), I'm sure she has gotten to know the more shadier aspects of his character, since they've lived together for so long. (even though the situation around the prostitute surprised her, since she hasn't ever seen such amount of disrespect, Şah may have seen other skeletons in his closet. He seemed to be very authoritarian in the relationship. She also said in E101 that the divorce was a long time coming and I don't think it all originated from the show, the situations there were simply the peak of previous issues.) It being a forced marriage made things even worse, no one would like a forced marriage. I actually admire Şah for keeping up with this marriage for so long and finding advantage in it, being as composed as possible. (when she is) Their daughter is most probably what kept them together all these years, on a personal level outside of Şah's ambition.

[bluepenguinstories]

Remoras Full Chapter XXXV: Lion-Drawn Chariot

When I woke up in the morning, I wasn’t planning on saving anyone’s lives. Then again, did anyone ever plan those sorta things? Like, “so at noon I plan to go out and save someone’s life.” Nope. That sorta thing just didn’t happen. Maybe it was a Superman thing, I imagine Superman didn’t wake up every morning and go, “I think I’m going to save some lives today.”

But lo and behold, when I woke up, I checked my phone right away (‘cause I’m always on that phone) and noticed a very concerning text.

Now, you may ask yourself, “Cybele, aren’t you exaggerating?” And lemme tell you, hypothetical ‘you’, no. No I was not exaggerating one iota:

Unknown Number: Could you please come get me? No pressure if you’re busy or asleep or anything. Take your time. I’ll probably be dead by the time you get here, anyway.

My eyes widened and I jolted up.

“Who?” Was my first question. Some unknown number just told me they’d be dead, and they listed the address to a hotel. Flags didn’t get much redder than that.

“Okay, think, think: Sunny might have gotten a new number,” I paced about and brainstormed as to who it could have been.

Yeah. That checks out. It’s just like Sunny to go off and get herself hurt. Of course she’d want me to bail her out.

It’s been a while since I’ve heard from Sunny. Probably a good six months. It was only a couple weeks ago that Ray finally gave me a call and explained the situation back at the diner. No wonder they went silent. I always figured Sunny stayed inside the diner with Ray due to the circumstances they faced, but it was true that she had trouble keeping still.

Yes, that’s true, but she’d stay at the diner with Ray if the circumstances are as dire as he said. I don’t doubt for a second that Sunny would help keep things together with Ray.

So if it wasn’t Sunny, then who? Frantic, I looked back at the phone.

What if I overslept and someone seriously was dying and now I’m too late?

Well, I could put that thought to rest: the text was only sent a few minutes ago.

“Still doesn’t give me time to shower...ugh...well, I’ll just slap on some deodorant, spray some rose water, and call it good. Whoever it is should consider themselves lucky that I’m showing up at all.”

No, that wasn’t the right attitude to have. Someone might have been dying for real.

“I’ll definitely save you,” I declared, still not totally convinced it wasn’t a scam.

To be honest, I was somewhat relieved to have an excuse to get back in my plane and fly around. Even if it turned out to have been a waste of time...no, it wouldn’t have been, because I’d be doing something I loved: flying.

Way back when Ray delivered that horrible news, I didn’t know what I’d do or where I’d go, but he had no problem with me taking the plane with me. It may have been the case that he figured if I took it with me, others wouldn’t have a means of getting to the diner, but whatever the reason, I just liked having it around. Things just didn’t feel right without it.

Oh, and it sure was a super fast aircraft, too! I arrived at the hotel parking lot within the hour. Now, as one could imagine, it was hard to find parking, so I had to park way in the back, and I was positive that there would be many a car furious with me for taking up so much space. But screw them, I wouldn’t be around that long, anyway!

When I stepped out of the plane, I looked around to find the parking lot near empty. Just a few cars here and there, kind of scattered like a tic-tac-toe board. Guess there was nothing to worry about (when it came to taking up space)!

“This is the place, right?” I was perplexed when I walked forward. Really, what did I expect to find? I had no idea and from the look of things, there was nothing to expect. It was just some normal looking hotel. OK. Layout: some tall, gold, fancy hotel, an awning, a few marble stairs. Some of the windows on the upper floors looked a bit busted, but aside from that, it had a sheen about it. Like, pristine sheen.

I continued to walk forward, in somewhat of a daze. It was rather early in the morning and I hadn’t had a coffee or anything like that. Closer, my foggy eyes not really clearing up, then my heart thumped on high alert in a single instant: blaring sirens of ambulances filled the air.

I shifted all around and tried to figure out what the commotion was. My head turned in a rapid manner, much more than a simple shake. Then, I spotted the culprit: a small body, collapsed and lying on the ground.

Take your time. I’ll probably be dead by the time you get here, anyway, those words echoed in my mind with an accelerating intensity as I sprinted toward the collapsed figure. Once I caught a better look, I filled with dread.

I recognize this person.

She was sprawled out, on her back, a fresh, dark wound on her right shoulder. Her hair was no longer green, it was blonde, and she wasn’t wearing any glasses, either. What she wore instead was a dark purple hoodie, jeans, and a pair of fingerless gloves. Fabric from her hoodie had been torn on the bottom and a fresh, gaping cut was visible and the blood which ran down from it obscured the skin of her stomach. It didn’t look deep enough to have penetrated any organs, but it was still a concern, nonetheless.

Just witnessing it put me in a sort of shudder, a repulsion which I had to fight back against. Nerves against my eyelids tightened and I felt a strain on my eyes along with a reservoir of tears ready to form from beneath the surface. It was as if a gust of wind had struck them.

I knelt down, my heart still on high alert. The rush of endorphins, not to mention the stress and adrenaline, was all the energy I needed to wake me up for the morning.

Please still be alive. Please.

I placed two fingers up to the nape of her neck, sucked up a small amount of saliva, and drew heavy breaths. Two seconds. I swear, the longest two seconds I ever felt. Rapid fire thoughts pounded against the edges of my skull. It was enough to make me wonder if my head was about to split open, or if my heart would give out, unable to handle the anticipation. My breaths were heavy to the point that I sounded like I was in some sort of frenzied state.

At last, I felt a pulse.

What a relief. What a relief. What a rel –

“Ma’am! Get away from the body!” I heard someone shout behind me.

I turned my head to see an ambulance parked (well, ‘parked’ was a little generous, as it had been swerved to its side and burnt skid marks could be seen just behind the vehicle’s tires) and two paramedics who looked ready to push me aside.

Of course. It just has to come to this.

“I think not,” I defied them, “I’m this young lady’s primary care physician and I’m going to take her to my clinic with me. She’s requested if in an emergency, then I am to come get her directly.”

They both looked at each other, confused.

“Can we see proof?” One of them asked.

I fished out a fake doctor’s license as well as a forged note. Such (illegal) methods weren’t used often, and it was never something I enjoyed doing, but it’s come in handy at times when I’ve had to bail Sunny out. Her idea, of course.

“Oh, well, uh, okay,” their confusion still showed through their voice, but nevertheless, they fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

“May I borrow one of your gurneys so I can get her onto my plane?” I asked them.

“Plane?”

I nodded.

“Yes. Do you have a problem with that?”

Acting was never one of my strong suits, but it turned out when you had just the right things to appear official, people tended to believe you. Needless to say, I got Demetria onto my plane and got right to work with the gauze.

Man, I’m really not a doctor. If only Cole-Slaw was here. She’d know what to do. Or she’d chew me out for not knowing what to do. Either way, I’m sure she’d be of more help.

In any case, she’d live. That much I knew for sure.

When I got home, I was too on edge to really do anything. I just sat on the couch and waited for her to wake up. Long stretches of time passed, and I would check in on the room I placed her in, with no such luck. It was concerning, to say the least, but I held out hope.

She needs rest. I’ll let her be.

Despite how serious it was, eventually the worry stepped aside and I got out my journal to write a couple of quick poems. Neither of them were all that good, but they didn’t need to be; their main purpose was to get my mind off of things. One of them started out like this:

Slumbers are a fickle thing.

So I go to the cupboard and pull out a box of cookies.

One by one, shoveled into my mouth.

Then I go back to bed, unable to sleep

due to the pain in my stomach.

But it was worth it.

What does it have to do with anything?

What is the meaning of sweetness?

An array of crumbs fall out of my pockets

and I’m visited by the sandman, who tells me

that he’s about to pour more crumbs in.

That bastard always gets the better of me.

Like I said, it left a bit to be desired, but I wasn’t done with it. Maybe in the third stanza, it would start to shine. But before I could get to that, I was interrupted by a rustling in another room, followed by a low groan.

I got up from the couch and followed the sound into the other room. Demetria stood hunched over in front of the bed I had laid her in. She propped herself up by holding onto the front-facing corner of the bedpost, but it was clear by the way she wobbled and her poor balance that she would fall back down onto the bed.

“Ow...ow...ooh,” she hissed and groaned, alternating between the two.

So she fell back down. Onto the bed.

“Owww...god damn it…” she moaned, adding, “I can hardly move. Ugh...I can’t believe I’m not dead.”

I shook my head and placed my hands on my hips.

“I swear, you’re just as bad as Sunny,” I scolded.

“Right, ‘cause if I’m going to have a role model, it may as well be Sunny,” she replied, deadpan in her delivery. She then turned her head and looked my way.

“So...you got my message?” She asked, her voice low and hoarse.

“Yeah. Mind telling me what happened?” I tapped my foot.

She looked away from me.

“I’d...rather not.”

That wasn’t what I expected to hear, nor really what I wanted to hear, but I respected her decision.

With her good arm (the one that wasn’t all covered up in layers of gauze), she covered her eyes.

“Can I...can I stay here a while?” She wheezed, then coughed.

“Judging from your injuries, I’m going to say you don’t have a choice. Now try not to move around so much, and please, get some rest.”

What she said next kept me from leaving the room.

“You shouldn’t have picked me up. I didn’t want to be saved,” I heard her say through her low mutter.

“I don’t believe that,” emotions welled up in me. Yes, she was in a great deal of pain, but there were quite a few mixed feelings I had. Feelings I should have held back or saved for later, when she was recovered, but I couldn’t help myself. “If that was the case, you wouldn’t have sent that text.”

“I’m not worth it,” she replied, though it didn’t feel like a reply at all. It felt like she ignored everything I said, and was just continuing off of the last thing she said.

Don’t say that, I thought. I almost growled it out, but I stopped myself.

“Get some rest. Please,” I told her instead, my voice not low, but instead weepy.

She gave a short nod and I noticed tears run down her cheeks. My head hung low and I had to force myself to turn away and step out of the room. Her clear pain and anguish had me at a chokehold and I felt a tinge of regret leaving her alone like that. But if she was going to rest, she would need her space, so I pulled up the curtain and ducked my head, then left the room.

This house I bought was rather large, much more space than I needed. But I was rich and since I could afford to, I wanted to get something nice. Not to mention the fact that I was so used to living in a large airport, even though I didn’t own the airport, it was still a home to me, and I just didn’t feel at home without the wide, empty spaces.

So I lived in a tall house, all to myself. Most of my stuff was relegated to one bedroom (of which there were a few rooms; they all sat empty, save for the one Demetria was now in). If I wasn’t there, I slept on the couch. My kitchen, though wide enough to have its own “island” (I never quite understood why they called that thing in the middle of kitchens in big houses an island), but that too sat mostly empty. There were a few things in the fridge, but that was about it. I didn’t cook. I could have, but I was rich, and I wasn’t used to cooking, so I always just ordered takeout.

The room Demetria was in was kind of a little architectural experiment, as it was originally a walk-in closet tied to a separate (empty) room, but I took down the closet doors and replaced it with a butterfly pattern tapestry that hung from the wall instead. No, I never planned such a thing, but I had a bed in that little room. It wasn’t an especially large bed, as it could only fit a twin-sized mattress, but it was the perfect fit for Demetria.

As I said, I never planned for her to stay here, but I always thought it would be nice to have guests over. I mean, I had a couple friends here and there, and they lived thousands of miles away, but that was nothing for me since I had my own plane. That said, no one ever expressed wanting to stay over, all telling me the same thing, that they “didn’t want to impose” (really, guys? It wouldn’t be an imposition if I was the one offering).

One questionable decision I made was removing the ceiling light and putting a lava lamp in the room instead. Yeah, it looked cool, but the way it lit up the room and reflected off of the curtain gave the room a distinct red tint. Like the room was on fire. Considering how bloodied up Demetria was, it seemed rather inappropriate now. Hindsight, am I right?

So I sat on the couch once again and flipped on the TV. Usually it just sat there and gathered dust, something which it was rather good at, but I decided to turn it on just to have some background noise. Channel after channel I skipped through until I stopped at a local channel and noticed it was a recording of an opera titled Atys.

No, I had no idea what it was about. It was an opera, did anybody ever know what was going on? Yeah, didn’t think so. But it was nice to see all the pretty outfits, and it sure sounded pretty, too. So it was settled, I’d watch a bit of that. Then, I too began to doze off.

My rest didn’t last long.

Shrill screams forced me awake and in a panic, I rushed to the room.

I found her, sat up against the edge of the bed, a look of shock, anger, terror, or a mix of all three filled her face as well as beads of either sweat, tears, or both. Her breaths were loud and heavy and she shook in place, as if paralyzed in fear. I looked to where Demetria stared ahead, but saw nothing, only the shadow of the lava lamp which sat on a table next to the bottom end of the bed.

“Is everything all right?!” I shouted, unable to hold back the concern in my voice. I rushed over and sat at the edge of the bed.

“Demetria...Demetria…” I tried to get her attention but my soft voice betrayed me. In a conscious manner, I sharpened my voice and shouted:

“Demetria!”

She blinked and then her eyes darted around and although she still heaved, her breath began to slow down and her eyes relaxed.

“Sorry. I had a nightmare,” she stated, as if it wasn’t such a big deal.

Not knowing what else to do, I leaned in and pulled her into my chest and held her tight.

“Ow, ow. My shoulder,” she complained and I let her go just as fast as I held her.

She sat there and rubbed her left eye, then her forehead.

“It just happens sometimes. Those same images haunt me,” she continued. I didn’t know what she could have meant, but that initial bout of screaming was enough of a concern as it was.

“Was it about something that happened to you?”

She gave a short nod, then buried her head in her hands. I heard no sniffles or weeps, but the silence itself was enough of a worry.

“Do you want me to give you some space?” I offered a rather foolish gesture, but the best I could offer without knowing what else I could do at the moment. As she gave no response, I waited a few seconds, then got up, figuring the answer was “yes”.

As soon as I started to get up, though, she tugged at my arm.

“Can you stay here? I’m afraid to go back to sleep,” she begged. For added measure, she lifted her head up and gave me puppy dog eyes.

“Yeah,” I gave in. As much as I hated to admit, those puppy dog eyes were adorable. “I don’t have anywhere I need to be in the morning. Making sure you’re well is my main priority right now.”

She let go of my arm, reeled it back to her side. Again, there was a lull, a standstill. Neither of us must have known what to do or say next. At least that was the case for me.

“You’re probably wondering how I got like this, huh?” She spoke up at last. Her face was still obscured, her voice muffled, but it was a voice nonetheless.

“Yes. I would like to know, but I’m not going to force it out of you.”

She lifted her head up and leaned it against the wall.

“To be honest, I’d like to know, too,” she replied with a dry, hollow reply. Even though she forced a slight smile, it was clear from her tone that she was anything but pleased.

“You don’t know how you got your injuries?” I was perplexed.

“I killed someone,” she answered. “Correction: I killed quite a few people, but the one who gave me my injuries was just one man.”

“My God…” the words escaped me. It wasn’t that I was all that shocked; Ray definitely gave off “former yakuza turned househusband” vibes and Sunny was a chaotic bundle of joy who I’ve had to pull out of messy situations several times. It might have just been that Demetria didn’t strike me as the violent type, but then again, my frame of reference was rather narrow, so it wasn’t like I had a complete impression of her. Maybe that would all change once I spent more time around her.

“I know, right? Not very heroic of me. For the record, I never considered myself a hero, but at the same time, I never thought I would be capable of doing such things. Let alone willing. But here I am, I went from someone who wanted to prevent the deaths of others to causing them. So much for protecting people.”

“I’m sure you had a good reason, though,” I argued. After all, rude as she may be, I refused to believe she was a bad person. She turned to me, her lips folded into a frown.

“Do you think that makes a difference?” Her eyelids were half-shut and she looked ready to nod off. “In my mind, I did it to protect others. But there could have been a better way to go about it. Maybe I just wanted to satisfy a bloodlust. I don’t know.”

“I don’t know, either,” I echoed her sentiment.

“Even now, I see the horror in their eyes. How they were torn to shreds.”

“Are you talking about the people you killed?”

She shook her head.

“No.”

I wasn’t sure what she was referring to, then. There was still so much she wouldn’t tell me, and maybe I didn’t want to hear the details, but I still wanted to help in any way I could.

“Have you ever seen someone being eaten alive?” She asked. It struck me as odd, just as random, if not more than her previous statement.

“No, I can’t say I have…”

“It’s not a pretty sight. That shit sticks with you.”

Just what kind of things have you experienced? I was a little baffled, to say the least. Just the idea made me shudder. She rolled her eyes, then turned her head away.

“I wanted to be badass so I could impress someone I had a crush on. Then...I was exposed to things I never should have witnessed. So my motivation changed. I wanted to be stronger so I could protect others. But I admit, I still wanted to impress her, too. I’ll think about back then and think of how if I were stronger, they would have survived. Or if it was someone else who went there, someone better. Someone who wasn’t me.”

“We all have things we regret,” I tried to tell her, which wasn’t really all that helpful, I know.

“You don’t understand,” she sharpened her voice. It wasn’t quite a shout, but it still had a bite behind it. “The reality is that if I hadn’t gone there, they would have met the same end. It’s easy to play the ‘what-if’ game, but there’s no way to know if there was anything that could have been done, and somehow that’s even worse.”

She paused again, closed her eyes. Part of me hoped that she hadn’t gone to sleep just because I didn’t want her to wake up screaming again.

“I’m stronger now. I’m badass. I got what I wanted, but at this point, I’d rather go back to being how I was before: meek, timid, someone who minded her own business. Hell, I tried to go back to being her, but I can’t. She’s gone now. Every attempt to return to my old self just felt like fighting back against a current.”

“I may not know what it’s like to go through all the things you have, but I do believe that even if you can’t return to how you were before, you can still be who you want to be. Even if that person is different from how you envisioned yourself to be. Hell, I know it’s hard. I know, but you can still find comfort in who you are right now.”

It seemed like the most poignant thing I’ve said all day, and yet everything I said in that statement was something that I continued to struggle with, myself.

Rather than reply, she drew a heavy breath. Her head slumped over to her side, and I realized that she had gone back to sleep.

I felt a faint spell overtake me as well and there must have been a couple of microscopic versions of me who struggled to hold my eyelids open, but to no avail. Soon, I faded away, into the sea of unconsciousness.

When I awoke, it must have been early in the morning as a bright light shone through the room. I struggled up and found myself in much of a haze. Then, a pounding came. Well, there wasn’t one. At first I thought there was, but it turned out to be more of a notion in my head or my heart telling me that someone was at my front door. There was no basis for such a feeling, but I was compelled to follow it, nonetheless.

Through the sluggish movements, I reached for the handle on the door, then pulled it open. Upon doing so, a blinding flash of light burst into the house and I couldn’t see anything in front of me. No front yard, no dirt, no grass, no neighborhood. Nothing but the flash of light.

Soon, that dissipated, and the shapes of the environment right outside my house took hold. It was a slow process, though, and it seemed to be sapped away, or drawn in to a particular spot in the middle of my peripheral vision. Right in front of me, a little below me, until I saw who, or what was at my door: a little girl with ashen hair, soot and dust. Her large, beady eyes, like what a stuffed animal would have. Corduroy, was what she reminded me of. That little bear from a picture book way back when I was about her age. She wore a thick cloak, hood off. Actually, it might have been a short-sleeved T-shirt and jeans. It was hard to tell which, as if whatever it truly was, my mind couldn’t decide what to see.

“May I help you?” I asked her.

She stared ahead rather than look up at me. Like there was something she was focused on, maybe something that she wished to steal from my home.

Oh, relax. She’s probably just a girl scout and trying to sell me cookies, I scolded myself. It was all I could do to feel at ease. Not that I felt dread around her, or that she held any malicious intent, but I still felt a little uneasy.

“Can I come in?” She looked up and asked at last, her voice soft and ethereal. She also didn’t look up at all. I didn’t see her head move, but I could tell I was the one being addressed.

Careful, Cybele. She might be a vampire. You know how those little girls who ask to come in are. First you say yes, next thing you know you’re strung up on the ceiling and a flattened husk of who you were, with a pile of your blood dripping down and staining your carpet.

...I really needed to get more sleep.

“Uh...Sure?” It must have been the tiredness in me, but if I was going to get eaten up by a vampire, it may as well have been early in the morning.

“Thank you,” she chirped, or blew forth the words, like a Magpie or a wind chime. But it was also gentle, and breathy as well. Neither a whisper nor a shout. Closer to the former than latter, but not really reaching the quietness of the former, either.

Another oddity was that after that, she didn’t move. I invited her in, but she didn’t walk in. I figured that was that when I closed the door and just chalked it up to a weird occurrence.

“Interesting home you have,” that same soothing and unnerving voice returned, and I turned to see her walking through my living room. Well, I could have said that, but she didn’t wander. She was close to the door. Right behind me, in fact. Despite her not having walked in, not even floated in (like a ghost would have at least been courteous to do), she was there.

For whatever reason, I walked over near where the room was where Demetria slept, but stayed outside the door frame and remained in the living room. Whatever that child wanted, she was already in my house now and probably wouldn’t leave until I figured what it was that she was here for. More than that, I needed to know who or what she was, if she was anything at all.

“So, what should I call you?” I blurted out the question. She didn’t seem bothered by it at all.

“I wonder…” She looked around as she replied, “what do you think you should call me?”

“Anything?” I blinked.

“You would call me ‘Anything’?” She asked, as if entertaining the idea.

“Well, I mean, if I can call you anything I want to call you...what’s to stop me from calling you ‘Lampshade’?”

“What’s to stop you indeed.”

That still didn’t seem right. Everything reminded me of ‘be not afraid’, that kind of angel vibe.

“Are you an angel?” I wasn’t satisfied with calling her a lampshade. It was just the first thing I could think of that was next to me (there was a lamp next to the television set).

“Is that how you wish to see me?”

Another odd question. It seemed neither meant to mock, be an admittance, nor denial. Just a genuine sense of wonder.

“I…I don’t know,” I was at a loss. “At least tell me your name.”

“My name?”

“You know, like my name is Cybele.”

She smiled, even if it didn’t look like her lips made any such creases.

“Ah, Cybele, the Anatolian mother goddess. If that be your name, you may be most wonderful, indeed.” “Gee, I don’t know about that. I certainly don’t want to be anyone’s mom. No offense, but I’m not interested in raising any kids.”

“Why would that bring me offense?”

“I don’t...uh, anyway. What brings you here?” I felt like I was getting nowhere, and worst of all, I didn’t even know what she wanted.

She walked forward in a way that felt more like a glide. Despite it being one foot over the other, it was fast, but also light, and didn’t look the least bit like a run. As she approached me, for whatever reason, I fell back to the floor, and she passed right by me, into the room where Demetria resided.

I got up and followed her in. There was no reason to suspect as such, but I still didn’t want any harm to come to Demetria. Especially when she still had her injuries.

But when I saw the mysterious little girl, all she did was stare at the bed where Demetria lay.

“She’s seeing disturbing visions right now,” the girl stated. Lampshade or whatever else there was to call her.

“How do you know that?” I asked. It was probably true, though, that she was having bad dreams, but I still wanted to know the basis of how she knew. Hell, how she knew Demetria at all.

“We met once before, under less comforting circumstances,” the girl replied.

“She told me she’s been having nightmares.”

“Nightmares...little imps who ride on horses?”

“No, like, bad dreams. Like, we humans get tired, and when we get tired enough, our body starts to shut down and we let our consciousness fade for a little while. We call it sleeping, and when we sleep, we often have dreams. They can be weird and unusual, sometimes mundane, though. Sometimes pleasant and sometimes terrifying. It depends less on the content of the dream, but more on the vibes the dream gives off.”

That was weird, too. I didn’t know why I felt the need to explain what sleep was. Not to mention, it wasn’t just people who slept, most animals did.

I saw a smile curve up from the side of her face.

“Thank you. I’ve been wondering what sleep was for a while.”

“What? You don’t know what sleep is?”

She turned her head from side to side.

“I’ve yet to experience it, but now that I understand the general concept, I am interested in finding out what it’s like for myself.”

“That’s odd. By the way, it’s not just humans that sleep. It’s most animals. Err...living creatures.”

She gave a single nod.

“I have met other organisms. Salamanders are one of my favorite, but I am partial to humans. They’re who I wish to study the most.”

“Are you...not human?” It seemed so obvious, but I had to ask anyway.

“I could be.”

I suppose simple questions warranted simple answers. Not that it answered anything, at least not in my mind.

“Tell me, Cybele, do you believe in reincarnation?” She asked at last and I jumped from where I stood, startled to be addressed by name.

So you know of such concepts like reincarnation, but not sleep?

“I’m not sure. I suppose it’s possible. Haven’t given it much thought.”

“What about resurrection?”

“Even less sure about that one. I’ve heard about people coming back from near-death experiences, but that’s it.”

“Recreation? Reconstruction?”

“Well, there’s facial reconstruction surgery. Why do you ask? Do you think it’s possible?”

She let out a soft laugh, like a giggle. It really took me aback that she was capable of such things.

“I don’t know, either, Cybele. I was just interested in what you believed in.”

“Well, I’m sorry. I guess I’m not all that interesting.”

“Quite the opposite; your perspective interests me as much as any human’s does.”

That sounded like a compliment. It might not have been, but I couldn’t help but blush and smile.

“So what do you want with her? Are you here just to watch?”

That time, as if I asked the magic question, caused her to give a definitive answer.

“I’m going to transfer some memories into her. They’ll be in an unused space in her mind, so she may not even notice.”

“Will it hurt?”

“It won’t hurt. She may have dreams pertaining to those memories, but it shouldn’t affect her personality. Not any more than her personality’s already been affected by her experiences.”

“Will it help with her nightmares?”

“Mm...it might. It might also give her new nightmares. I can’t say, as this is the first time I’ve done this.”

“Still...to think you’re capable of such a thing. Are you all-powerful?”

“I could be. However, there are things I’m much more interested in than that.”

She didn’t do anything with her hands, no magical beams of light shot out. There was nothing to indicate that she did anything to ‘transfer memories’, but after a few seconds of silence, she spoke up.

“It is done,” she stated.

“What was the purpose behind that?” I was a little awestruck at what little awe I had to be struck by.

“I’m just interested in seeing what might happen,” she stated, somehow both a definitive and non-definitive answer.

She shuffled out of the room, still the same gliding motion. Once again, I followed her. She hadn’t quite gotten out the door yet, so I decided I had more I wanted to ask her.

“Wait,” I tried to stop her before she could leave. “Before you go, I just want to know: am I dreaming right now?”

“Mm...You’re not sleeping, so by the definition you gave me, I don’t believe so. Unless it’s possible to dream without sleeping.”

“I don’t know...if it’s possible,” I yawned. That wave of tiredness I felt after Demetria fell asleep was starting to hit me again. I dropped down to the floor in response to my body’s demands. It wasn’t a pained collapse, I fell on my own volition.

“I’m starting to get sleepy,” I declared. Once again a yawn escaped me.

“How interesting. Would you like to sleep?”

I nodded my head. Now I felt like the kid in the situation.

“Can you sing me a lullaby?” I requested.

“Lullaby? What’s that?”

“You know, like a simple little song to get me to sleep.”

She lowered her head, as if deep in thought.

“Ah. I know one. Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder what you are…”

With that, I drifted back off into sleep and the mysterious girl departed.

True morning was something far different.

For starters, the room was still dark. Well, I noticed light from outside the room. Of course, being that the ‘room’ Demetria and I were in was once just a big closet with no windows...yeah, it would make sense that it was still dark, even in daylight.

Oh yeah, that was the other thing: I woke up in the same place I fell asleep at in the first place, which was on the floor next to the bed Demetria slept in.

To my right was the bed. As I forced my way to a shabby half-awake state, I heard a shuffle from the bed and looked up to see Demetria sat up. She let out a low groan, her eyes squinted, then looked down where I was.

“Ugh...I just had the weirdest dream,” she rubbed her eyes with her palm and grumbled.

“Yeah?” I yawned. “What was it?”

“Well, I was in a fight with my cousin’s wife. We were both on a rooftop and she didn’t really seem like she wanted to fight, but I kept egging her on, and, well, she slashed me in the stomach, and I fell back. Last thing I remember was a stick being put in my mouth, then I woke up just now.”

That’s...disturbing?

“Huh. That is weird, indeed,” I commented.

“I know. We may not have gotten along much, but I wouldn’t want to harm my cousin’s wife. But I’m guessing it’s not so much because it was her, and it was more because of the fight I had at the hotel, and the guy who I didn’t want to fight slashed me in the stomach. Plus, my cousin’s wife did yell at me just the other night. But the context was a little different. She was upset, and I couldn’t blame her for that. Those people had no right to show up. I don’t know all the things she had to deal with, but I could only imagine how painful that was for her just to witness. As for rooftops…”

She scoffed, then gave a slight smile.

“Only thing I can recall is when I went to a place called Olympia and hid out on a rooftop to avoid guys shooting at me. Man, that place was a trip. Weird enough to have been a dream, but no, the actual dream I had felt real somehow. Like I lived it. Even if it may have just been a mishmash of various events over the past couple days...no, it didn’t feel like that at all.”

I was at a loss. From all the flakes of information she let slip, I could tell she’s gone through a lot. Much more than I would have expected from her.

“Well, for what it’s worth, I had a weird dream too,” I related.

“Yeah?” She sounded curious. “What was yours?”

I thought it over. I tried to think of what was weird about it. Actually, I tried to think about it at all, but couldn’t.

“Um...sorry. I thought I was gonna have something to tell, but I forgot,” I pouted.

“Eh. It happens.”

“So,” I hopped to my feet, “how about some breakfast in bed?”

“What are you, my housewife?” She groaned.

“No,” I frowned. “But it’ll be harder to recover on an empty stomach, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to get up much at the moment.”

“Are you gonna feed it to me, too?” She really wanted to make things difficult. Here I thought she’d have been more pleasant after a restful sleep.

“I...I haven’t thought that far. But if I have to, I will. Now, I’ve got yogurt and toast. That should be light on the stomach.”

She shrugged, then winced. For a moment, she must have forgotten how much pain her shoulder was in.

“Fine. I guess I can go for yogurt and toast. It’s something.”

It was settled: I made my way into the kitchen and pulled out a cup of Greek yogurt from my near-barren fridge.

“Greek yogurt, because...oh, never mind. Bad joke,” I scolded myself under my breath. Next was the toast. Whole grain, because that seemed like something she’d like.

After the bread popped out of the toaster and I had a spoon for the yogurt, I headed back into the room and handed them to her.

“Thanks,” she told me, then held up one of the slices of toast and bit into it.

“Ah!” I just remembered something very basic. Something which should never have been forgotten. “You’re going to need water. Lots of water. I’m also sure you’ll need to use the bathroom from time to time. Hmm...I don’t have one of those pee bags like doctors and nurses have…”

“Ew. I wouldn’t want to use one of those, anyway,” she spat. Ugh. Add that to the growing list of concerns: crumbs all over the bed.

“OK. Well, if you need help getting up, let me know and I’ll help you. I still don’t think you should walk all that much until you’re more healed, but at the same time you’re going to need to sooner or later.”

She nodded.

“Got it. You don’t have to act like my mom. I’m capable of taking care of myself.”

That kinda ticked me off, not gonna lie. Maybe it wasn’t the best time, but I just had to say something.

“I’m aware of that and from the way you say you didn’t want to be saved, you know what? Maybe I really should have left you there,” I hated every word I spewed out and I felt on the verge of tears.

“I’m sor…” She began, but didn’t finish the word.

“No. Even if I’m upset, you still need help. I don’t want to boss you around, I just want to help you. It seems like most of the times we’ve met up, I’ve done things for you and helped you, and in some cases, I just wanted to be nice. But even so, I can’t help but feel like I’ve been used.”

“I’m sorry. You’re right.”

Hearing her said that just about broke me. I didn’t want to hear such a thing. Yet she continued:

“You gave me a chance, you offered to be my friend, and I never once considered taking you up on your offer. For my part, I didn’t even want a friend, be it you or anyone else. It’s not that I don’t appreciate all that you’ve done for me, but at the same time, I used you. You were convenient and I took advantage of you.”

I was speechless, unsure whether to be angry or heartbroken. But all in all, what did I expect? We didn’t know each other very well, haven’t interacted much, and yet I chose to help her out time and time again.

“I...I know I shouldn’t when we don’t really know each other very well, but I still care about you,” I brought myself to tell her.

“Why? I don’t understand,” she objected. To that, I let out a hollow laugh.

“Neither do I. I just do.”

She took a couple bites out of her yogurt, then spoke up again.

“You shouldn’t,” she argued again.

“I never said that I should, just that I do,” I countered.

She scoffed, took a few more big bites of the cup of yogurt, then set the empty cup off to the side, on the nightstand.

“I’m such a hypocrite, aren’t I? Here I am, admitting how inconsiderate I’ve been, and yet I’ve been the same way as you.”

“You have?”

“I grew to care about others who never gave a shit about me. Some of them should’ve been expected, though, but I at least thought when I left that I meant something to Sunny and Ray. But no. Instead, he texts me saying he never wants me back and blocks me. Just goes to show how little I was valued. He’d probably still welcome Remora with open arms, but me? Not a chance. It’s like –”

“That’s not true!” I interrupted her. As much as I felt for her, I couldn’t let her keep going on about that. Maybe Ray didn’t want her to know, but I believed that she needed to know. “He probably told you that to keep you safe.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“He came clean with me about it recently, and it’s hard to believe, but if it’s bad enough that he wants to keep everyone away, then I have to believe it.”

“Believe what?” She leaned forward.

“He told me about a fog. Apparently people have gone through that fog and gotten all beat up. It’s not a blizzard, either. It’s like the air is still, and the air is warmer near the diner than the rest of the arctic. He said it’s like there’s these invisible enemies that bring harm to others. Many injured people have shown up at the diner and he’s been trying to take care of every single one, but the airport is closed off because he wants to try to keep the damage to a minimum.”

“Why would he tell me that, then?” She grew angrier, and the explanation had the opposite effect of what I was hoping for.

“I don’t know. Maybe he figured if you knew, you’d try to go back.”

“He’s goddamn right, too! What? He thinks he can take all that on his own?”

“I don’t think that’s the case, but even if it was, you aren’t the only one he had stay away. Where do you think we are right now?”

She looked around the room.

“I don’t know. I just woke up here,” she replied. Which, fair point.

“We’re at my house, over in Alaska. I bought it after Ray ordered me to leave. He gave me enough money to pay for a hotel, and I had enough saved up to buy my own home from all the funds he’s given me.”

“Damn, Alaska, huh?”

That’s what you focus on? What about the fact that I’m loaded? I’m totally not strapped for cash at all, it’s awesome!

“He didn’t even want Sunny to come back, but she was stubborn and came back anyway. So while I’m not quite sure who this Remora person is, I doubt he’s making any exceptions.”

She thought over what I told her, then asked:

“How long has it been like that?”

“Not long after I took you back home.”

“So months, huh? Are they still alive?”

I nodded. Thank goodness they were, too.

“Apparently it eases up sometimes, and he’s able to escort some people out, but he still wants to prevent others from entering.”

“Sounds like they’re doing fine on their own, then,” she concluded. I was rather surprised to hear her say that, considering how she said she cared about them and all. But at the same time, I didn’t think it was a good idea for her to try to enter, anyway. At least not while she had injuries of her own that she needed to heal from. She didn’t need any more.

“I wouldn’t go that far. But my point in telling you all that is this: you have more people who care about you than you think. Hell, I’m willing to bet you care about more people than you think, too.”

“Heh,” she managed a smile. “Maybe you’re right.”

“Now, I offered it to you before, and you don’t have to take it, but would you like to be friends?”

She looked down.

“I don’t know...I’m not really someone you’d want to be friends with. In case you forgot, I’ve killed people. I’m not a very good person.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

She pursed her lip. It looked like she was ready to pout.

“Yes. I’d really like a friend,” she said at last. Elation welled up in me and I felt like I could hug her, but I resisted, not wanting to exacerbate her pain. Still, I wanted to show her how happy I was to hear that, but it would have to wait as a vibration sounded off in Demetria’s pants pocket.

“Oh, my phone!” She sounded startled. She reached in and pulled it out, then answered.

“Hello?” She answered. “Oh, hey, Ves. Can I set it to speaker? It’s kinda hard to talk right now. Yeah, everything’s fine, it’s just kind of hard to hold my phone right now.”

I gulped. Like, do what you gotta do, but I felt like I’d be eavesdropping. Knowing that, I should’ve left the room. But to be honest, I kinda wanted to hear what was talked about.

“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for yelling at you the other night,” the woman at the other end’s voice came through. She sounded a little weepy and mournful, but maybe it was just the reception.

“Don’t be. You have every right to react the way that you did. You didn’t deserve that.”

“Still, I don’t think you deserved that, either. Juniper helped me calm down and she suggested that you’re probably going through some difficult things, yourself. I want to be there for you, the way that Juniper was there for me when I dealt with difficult things. I don’t think you need to deal with it alone.”

“Thank you,” croaked Demetria in a near whisper. “Yeah, I was in a bad place. Both physically and mentally,” she looked over at me and smiled. “Now I’m only in a bad place mentally. I’ve got someone with me who’s helping me through some stuff.”

I couldn’t help but smile back at that.

“Are they like Juniper?” Ves asked.

“Sorta. Not really. It’s not romantic or anything. But I’m glad to have her around.”

“I’m glad too.”

“Thanks.”

“I just want you to know that you’re always welcome back here.”

“Thanks, Ves. I just think it’s best if I don’t right now.”

“I understand. Won’t you at least come back to get your stuff? You left it here.”

Demetria jolted upward.

“Oh shit, I did?! I’ll head on out right now!”

“No way you’re going out with those injuries,” I stopped Demetria. She was sat up and blankets pulled out, ready to hop on up out of bed. Once I told her that, she sulked.

“Injuries? Also, who was that?” Ves sounded like a smoothie blend of confusion and worry.

“Hi, I’m Cybele. She got pretty badly hurt, but she’ll survive. I cleaned up her wounds a bit and she’s all bandaged up right now, but I don’t think she’s in any state to be running around.”

“I see. That’s really concerning.”

“Yeah, well, if you want, I can get her stuff for her,” I offered.

“I don’t know...I don’t really like the idea of people I don’t know coming over…”

Fair, I thought. I bet I wouldn’t like that either.

“...But if you’re a friend of Demetria’s, I think I can trust you.”

“Great. I’ll be on my way.”

“Will do. Thank you, Cybele, and thanks for looking after my cousin-in-law.”

Ah, so she’s the one who Demetria had a dream about getting into a fight with. I wonder if I should ask her about that.

But I didn’t. She hung up and I stretched my arms.

“Looks like I’m heading out. Mind texting me the address?” I turned to Demetria and asked.

“Not at all. Thanks for doing this,” she began typing away at her phone.

“No problem. I’m sure at least some of those things are important to you. Now, before I go, feel free to wander around the house, but please try not to push yourself too hard.”

“Got it. See you in a little bit?” She asked.

I nodded, then waved.

“In a little bit.”

I flew out at once and I think the whole trip there took me maybe two hours at most? I wasn’t sure. Not that it mattered. Even if her stuff was way off in Indonesia, I’m sure I would’ve flown out to get it.

As soon as I found a nice empty patch of dirt to land in, I hopped out of the plane and approached their door. They lived in some remote place, far off from any cities or towns. Little bits of grass, some tilled farmland, a greenhouse, a shed, and a little chicken coop. Really, it looked like a nice place to hang. That said, I wasn’t sure if I could live there. As much as I was used to living in remote places, myself, I needed a certain...aesthetic that the country life they seemed to live lacked.

In any case, I walked up to the steps of their house, the wooden stairs creaked, and I knocked on their door. When the door opened, I was stunned at the beauty on display: a tall woman with glasses and near-white hair opened, and she was dressed in some kind of white robe.

“Whoa, you’re hot,” I blurted out. She raised an eyebrow.

“Do you always speak without thinking?” She asked.

“No, I swear I don’t. I’m sorry. Anyway, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise. You’re cute, yourself, with that ponytail and cap of yours. You remind me a bit of Juniper.”

I wasn’t sure who that was, but soon I did, as out stepped another beauty: a woman with blonde pigtails and muscular arms wearing a small tie-dye shirt and skinny jeans.

“And you’re cute,” I remarked.

Juniper, at least I presumed, beamed a bright smile.

“Thanks!”

“Isn’t she?” Ves gestured her arms as if to present her.

“Indeed! Anyway, I think I’m getting sidetracked.”

“Ahem,” Ves coughed into her fist, then changed into a more serious expression. “Yes. I as well. Tell me, is Demetria okay?”

“Well, like I said, she’s badly hurt, but she should recover. Her wounds don’t seem to be infected, and I don’t think she broke any bones. So at least there’s that.”

“Just what did she go through?” Ves mouthed out the words.

“I’m not sure if she wants me telling you, but I’m sure you can ask her.”

“Of course. I don’t want to pry.”

“I’ll go get her stuff!” Juniper declared, then walked off. As she did, I turned to Ves.

“Did you two get into a fight?” I questioned her.

“No,” she lowered her head, and turned to the side. “The other night I yelled at her. I had a mental breakdown. But it was nothing physical.”

“I’m glad to hear that. She just told me about a weird dream she had, so I got worried.”

“A dream?”

“Yeah, she said in the dream you guys fought on a rooftop, and then you slashed her stomach, and she fell.”

Ves took a step back and looked horrified.

“That’s...that’s…” She began, and it looked like I brought something out that she didn’t want to think about. “That’s strange. I don’t know what to make of that,” she said at last.

“Yeah, it was a dream, after all. Sorry, it was probably silly to bring up.”

“It’s all right. I appreciate your concern.”

I took a bow, then when I stood back up, I rubbed the back of my head.

“Oh, you know, it’s nothing special.”

Juniper came back out with a backpack and a couple pairs of shirts.

“Here ya go,” she handed them to me.

“This all?” I was a little surprised to see so little.

“Yeah, I guess she was a light traveler,” she shrugged.

“Well, I’m sure she’ll still appreciate it. Thank you guys,” I waved goodbye to them both, then hurried on my way back home.

Thoughts ran through my head as I approached the house.

Will Demetria still be there? She better, just so she doesn’t get herself hurt further. But at the same time, she does strike me as the type of person to run off.

It was a worry which turned out to be unfounded, as when I entered the house, Demetria was there in plain view: not in the room, but on the couch.

“Hey, I’m home,” I announced.

“How’d it go?” She turned and looked over to me.

“Eh, they seemed like nice people. Not really much happened. I just got your stuff, then left. How about you? How are you doing?”

“It’s been hard to get around. Had to prop myself up against the walls and stuff, but I managed. Found the bathroom and everything.”

“I’m glad to hear. I’m also glad to see you’re still here.”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be? I’ve got a destination in mind for where I want to go next, but I’m going to wait until I’m all healed up.”

“That’s good to hear.”

She seemed to be in brighter spirits than earlier in the morning. I went ahead and plopped down on the couch beside her.

“So, wanna order take-out?” I offered.

“Oh, hell yeah! I’m starving!” She roared.

“What do you like?”

“I’m cool with whatever...but also I’m vegetarian. So there’s that.”

“Fine by me. How about Chinese?”

“Totally! I bet there’s noodles and shit.”

I snorted.

“Yeah, there sure is.”

I went ahead and ordered online, then when I looked up, I gasped upon seeing what Demetria held up.

“By the way, I found this while you were away. Neat stuff,” she had a devilish grin on her face and I wanted to yank my journal away from her.

“Please don’t tell me you read it!”

“A bit. Here and there. Neat stuff. Though I’m sure I could write better.”

“Oh yeah?” I huffed.

“Yeah. Poetry’s easy. Anyone could do it. Here: ‘Roses are red. Violets are blue. Uhh...Fuck. I can’t think of anything else. How are you?’ See? Easy.”

I burst into laughter.

“Well, I had a good laugh, at least.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she dismissed. “I get it. I’m a comedic genius. No need to rub it in.”

The rest of our night went fairly well. We seemed to bond a bit here and there, something I never imagined.

Soon days passed and she walked around more and more as the days went by. On one occasion, I found her with her laptop open and sat up on the bed.

“I’m actually thinking of taking online classes to finish up my Master’s program,” she mentioned.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. It’s kind of a big deal for me. I dropped out for kinda stupid reasons, but truth be told I was losing interest in my studies, anyway. Still, I don’t like to leave things unfinished, so even if I’m no longer interested in marine biology, I’d still like to complete my program so I have something to show for it. For my own sake, anyway.”

“Well, I think it’s a good idea. I support your decision,” I gave a thumbs up. “Still, sounds difficult. I don’t think I could do online classes.”

“Eh. I don’t see myself liking them, either, but I don’t want to show up in person. I feel like I’d be a disgrace to whatever campus I ended up on.”

“Oh, come on. Don’t be like that.”

“I know...it’s just regrets and stuff.”

“I know how that can be, too,” I admitted. “Still, if you need any help with tuition, let me know. I’m pretty rich, after all.”

Gee, I really tried to brag about that whenever I could, huh?

“Thanks, but I got my own money,” she pulled out an envelope. “It was a birthday gift from...err...someone. It’s not important who.”

“If you got enough to pay for tuition for your birthday, sounds pretty important to me.”

“Trust me, it’s not. I feel bad even using it, but a gift’s a gift.”

I wasn’t going to press any more about the subject, but I was glad to hear that she was considering doing something meaningful.

All in all, it probably lasted about a month in total before she (at least said that she) was all healed up. I didn’t expect her to leave so soon, and her bag wasn’t packed, but by coincidence, I happened to be the one who sparked her departure.

“I’ve gotta say, this is a pretty cool place you got,” she wandered around the house while I sat at the couch and tried to think of another poem to write up.

“Yeah! I’m loaded! Ray paid me well!” I shouted. All I knew was that she was somewhere upstairs. “I didn’t even check my bank account before or after I bought this house, because I was pretty confident that I could already afford it!”

Yeah, it was shallow, but I had to take pride in something, I suppose.

“Whoa, really?” She called back. “How much you got?”

Out of curiosity, I decided to go on my phone and check. I figured I must’ve had like, a couple million or something? Seemed about right. However, once I checked my bank’s app and saw how much I had, my jaw dropped and I had to hold back a scream.

“No!” I wailed and kicked my legs against the base of my couch. “I’ve got less than a thousand! I’m running low on money!”

Demetria ran down the stairs and slid down the railing. I looked at her and was about ready to break into tears.

“I don’t wanna get a job!” I whined. “People might misgender me, and I might have to deal with customers. It would be horrible!”

“Why would they do that?” She tilted her head. “Oh wait, never mind. People are dumb, especially customers.”

“Argh. I should’ve checked my bank account sooner! This house cost me most of my money! Now I don’t know what I’m going to do!”

“Relax. I’m sure I can get you some money to get by.”

I looked at her, my eyes widened.

“Really? How?”

“Eh. I’m resourceful. You’ve helped me out, and it seems simple enough for me. I just need your help to get around a bit.”

Of course. I mean, I didn’t know how I could trust her, but I just had to. Between taking the word of a violent friend and having to find a job...well, the answer was pretty obvious to me. That, and, I didn’t mind so much helping her out, as long as I didn’t feel like I was just being taken advantage of.

“Great. I’m going to pack up. I was about ready to leave anyway, so this is a perfect opportunity for me.”

“So soon?”

“You know me. Always running around. I’ll try not to get myself killed before you get your money, at least.”

“All right,” I laughed a little. “So where to?”

“Chicago,” she declared.

Really? Chicago? What could’ve been so good about there? Well, if she was so confident she’d find what she needed there, then so be it.

[bangtansfavwriter]

🌷jungkook having a crush on you🌷

- jk and you vibed so fast that you became close friends very quickly (the chaotic duo that tested hyung line's last nerves when you were in your mischievous mood)

-you sorta became an honorary member of the maknae line and after you pulled a prank on jin that included a chocolate cake, marmite and liquorice and ended up with jin's face shrivelling so bad that it may have caused him his first wrinkles

(his revenge was to serve you kimchi bokkeumbap with kimchi that had gone bad, which resulted in the worst heartburn you ever had ("an eye for a eye, y/n" - you, drinking your 3rd mint tea that night: "fair enough"), you redeemed yourself by buying him hyaluronic acid lotion and his favourite strawberry cheesecake, jk just laughed his ass off to the misery jin and you went through and blackmailed jin with marmite whenever they bickered ("it will hit u when u least expect it, hyung" - "I can't believed I raised lucifer himself"))

-anyway, jk and you are always very playful together, and you laugh so much when you're with him bc of his antics

-he doesn't mind being extra goofy to make you laugh, it lifts his spirits as well

-hates to see you sad/upset, namjoon and jk once spoke about you, after namjoon asked him about your guys' friendship and for the first time in ages he was sure jungkook had deeper feelings for someone, as he said: "I don't mind making a fool out of myself, if it brings a smile on y/n's face. hyung, I know this is going to sound weird but sometimes I feel like it is my purpose to show y/n everything good and funny, this is something I wanna keep doing for a long time." (tbh namjoon teared up)

-your guys' fav pastimes were watching cartoons/animes and you had a fiery competition going on in any kind of jump and run games, especially for sonic (you once beat jk after a 4 hour session and he threw a dramatic fit until you made him hot chocolate and he finally calmed down)

-would show you tons of pics and vids of gureum and filmed every minute of your first encounter

-your personal photographer tbh, you two could go chill in a parking lot and he would still do the most aesthetic shots

-despite all the funny moments you two also had serious conversations together. moments like that were rare and mostly after 2am when you two shared secrets with each other you didn't dare to speak about at daytime, like your views on love where jungkook first thought of how much he wants to be your "loved one"

-has a folder with his favourite pics of you or places that remind him of you somehow, but he'd never tell you that

- tries to impress you quiet often, like the time you went for karaoke

your pick: new face

his pick: vision of love

you: ????????? bitch ?????? do i look like i can sing a mariah song????

jk: well....... i can..... 👀

you: i'll see you at the whistle notes

jk: i've made a huge mistake

-you're usually the first person to listen to his covers and he looooves seeing your reaction to it (but he's usually pretty nervous about it too)

- cannot concentrate for shit when you're watching him during dance practice, so hobi told you, in a nice way, to stay away from dance practice for the sake of bts and jk apologised like 12 times to everyone, he got better at focusing over time and you watched him once in a while... but he'd get v shy when he had to do hip thrusts and stuff, you'd just laugh it off but in reality you were just trying to hide you how much he actually affects you, especially during a choreo like that

-the boys teased him quite a lot about you and he'd get all whiny and say it's not like he had a crush on you or something

vmin: *laughing*

sope: *shaking their heads*

jin: oh reallyyy~~

namjoon: so you're ok with the fact y/n is on a date rn?

jungkook: WHAT

- so namjoon took out his phone and showed jk that you updated your story with some food pic where you could see a man's hand in the background, who was also tagged in the pic

namjoon: see? that guy also tagged y/n here in his pic

jk: .....

-the guys stopped teasing him the second they realized how upset jk actually was (he went completely silent, eyebrows furrowed), yoongi just stated the obvious: "our maknae is in love, huh", the boys smiled and jungkook nodded with a sad look on his face

-the next time you visited the guys jungkook was visibly flustered around you and would be just overwhelmed with the entire situation bc he wanted to know who that guy was, but he didn't know how to ask and neither did he want to intrude and what if you're taking it the wrong way and say that it's none of his business and suddenly he loses his best friend because of some stupid guy in a stupid picture and some stupid hypothetical date.... overthinking at its finest, as you can see...

-you didn't know why he became so awkward around you, the boys obviously knew but they couldn't say anything without risking jungkook completely losing his shit, but jungkook avoided you and left early when you were there and you were like "... why"...well the boys knew why but they couldn't say anything

-you tried talking to him but he tried to avoid you since he got so flustered around you that he'd stuttering, get embarrassed about it and then leave...

-you asked the boys about it, but they wouldn't say anything but tbh this was almost painful to watch for them bc they love their maknae but they knew this wasn't going anywhere.... so their eldest took the matter into his own hands and talked to you and asked you about the guy in your story.....

-shortly after that, the guys went to europe for vacation. jungkooks airport look was something for the goth look book once again, while the other guys looked bright and ready for their time off, and jin was like "oh here we go again" and once again jk helped out...

- the boys knew he kept himself busy the entire time after things got awkward with you, but they didn't exactly know what he was doing in his studio, only taehyung knew he was editing something

-so the boys were enjoying their time off and even got jungkook's mind off of you with some sightseeing and other leisure activities they had planned

-but at the end of the day, he thought of you and read your last messages over and over again. the last time you had texted was when you wished him a good time in europe and he thanked you. he sighed as he realized how your long texts with each other had turned into such short ones within 1 week

- yoongi: i cannot take this anymore, we need to do something about this

jin: i did. i invited y/n to join us.

the boys: ???

jin: all expenses on the company.

the boys: ?????????

-also, this was the first time you guys were separated, and it gave him the chance think about what he truly wants for you two, friendship or more.. he decided to confide in namjoon and jin about it and seek advice

namjoon: i'm sure y/n likes you too, and even if not, which I really doubt, at least you'll get it sorted out that way and carry on

jk: hyung, see that's the thing. if my feelings will not be reciprocated, i won't be able to continue a friendship... that's why I am so scared.

jin: y/n's coming here, tomorrow, jk, only for you, so i'm pretty sure your feelings will be reciprocated. just be honest about them.

jk: what do you mean y/n's gonna be here tomorrow?

jin: exactly that.

jk: with all due respect, hyung-nim, what the fuck

(-namjoon cackling in the background-)

-so jin explained how he asked you about joining them bc jk was so down and reassured jk that he didn't tell you anything about his feelings and that you solely come there bc you also had 2 weeks off and you wanted to spend time with him, even though jin had some convincing to do since you thought it might be awkward between jk and you

- jin: also, the supposed date on her story? that was just a night out among co-workers, so it was definitely not a date, I asked y/n about it

jk: ....... why didn't you tell me sooner? why are you telling me that a week later, when I'm in another country??

jin: remember the time you put actual fish oil in my bungeoppang?

jk:

jin: see, you did this and I'm still arranging you a romantic getaway, like the merciful god i am

jk: oh my god

jin: exactly

-jk texted you the same night and asked you where you are and said that jin told him everything. "maybe I should let the food war continue after all..", you thought and rolled your eyes. you sent jungkook a pic from the view you had from your hotel room, where you arrived a few hours prior, and he could clearly recognize that you were indeed there, as unbelievable as it was for him.

you: I can't believe jin ruined the surprise

jk: trust me, it still was a huge surprise for me

you: a good one, I hope?

jk: definitely... you know, i actually wanted to text you.

you: about the past week, i suppose?

jk: kinda. i'm going to send you something. it was done rather quickly, so have some mercy on me with that.. and please don't be mad at me

you: ok..? you're kind of worrying me here

jk: and y/n.. i won't say anything about it, it should speak for itself.. and please don't say anything about it until I see you tomorrow, ok?

you: alright..

jk: I'll see you at the café jin hyung told me about, depending on the answer you're gonna give me

you: I'll be there, no matter what

jk: ok, then, yellow shirt in case you're answer is positive, black shirt in any other case, how about that?

you: fine by me koo ☺️

jk: ok...... here goes nothing 🙇🏻‍♂️

-what he sent you was a gcf with your name as the title and what followed was a beautiful compilation of your favourite moments you and jungkook had shared, and some moments you weren't even aware of the fact that he was filming you..some scenes, for example: your guys' trip to lotte world, you giggling into the camera when turned the cam to both of you wearing bunny ears, you laughing your ass off while filming him dancing to cl's "hello bitches", you on the day you went to the planetarium together, the time you came over to his place with food after he was too exhausted to do anything after practice and you watched "spirited away" together, then you playing with gureum while he giggles behind the camera, you being bts' no 1 hype man during their concert preparations, some videos where you cheered for him during the days you two spent apart bc of award shows.... and at the end of the video there was a single picture of you two, where you smiled widely into the camera, while he looked at you with a shy smile on his face... and finally, you heard his voice saying the words which appeared on screen: "be my loved one".

- the next day, jungkook was waiting for you in the café opposite the church, where you would come to as well. he was nervous as hell and honestly he still wasn't sure if you're actually going to come there or if jin played a prank on him. he checked his texts again and again and just stared at the "read" sign beneath the text and the video he sent you and mentally slapped himself for telling you to keep your answer to yourself until you meet him in the café. he started overthinking again, to a point where he zoned out so much that he didn't even notice 6 guys with huge sunglasses and a suspicious lot of newspapers, sitting at another table what finally made him snap back into reality was the sound of someone pulling the chair at his table, which instantly made him turn around only to see you sitting down next to him, right at the moment when the bells started ringing. undoubtedly, the colour yellow has never made jungkook happier.

💕

epilogue:

-at the dorms with the boys after you left your company dinner party early-

jimin: why'd you come back so early?

you: because SOMEONE almost broke my co-workers hand during a handshake

jk: it's called asserting dominance, y/n, don't you ever listen to david attenborough sunbaenim?

[walking-true-to-style]

Long-Distance Short || B.H.

Pairing: Ben Hardy x Reader

Warnings: some suggestive themes? Also there’s a lot of best friend! Joe in here. A little bit of swearing, Bryan Singer is mentioned a few times

Words: 4.53K

Gender: Unspecified

Request: Anonymous

“Hello my love! I saw your post about ideas and I'm jonesing for something Ben Hardy related. Whether that be a domestic!au (like buying a house or cooking together (that fluffy shit)) or maybe something friggin whack like he's Joe Mazzello's roommate and you and Joe are friends and there's ~animosity~ with the reader and Ben and it ends in a fuck fest for them. Anywhomst, love you and keep up the good work! :) “

Synopsis: You and Ben have been in a long-distance relationship for a while now. You in New York living with your best friend, Joe, and Ben living in England. Things mostly worked until he started communicating less and less. Joe offers for you to take a “me-day” and you manage to have an okay time. Little do you know the surprise waiting for you later in the evening.

A/N: So I sorta took liberties, but I hope you like it!

You first met Ben on the set of Bohemian Rhapsody. You were in charge of hair and makeup, and you had Joe to thank for recommending you. When you first met Ben, you could not take your eyes off him. How could you? He looked like a god and had a golden personality to match. He was very sweet, though, he seemed a little high maintenance in terms of his looks. Every few takes, he would ask you to touch him up slightly, whether it be a misplaced hair in the wig or just simply powdering him. “Ben, you look fine, let’s keep rolling!” Bryan would bark from his chair. Ben would look at you nervously. You’d smile reassuringly at him and turn to Singer.

“It’s alright. I’ll be fast about it.” You’d walked over to Ben and powdered him lightly. Honestly, you didn’t see anything wrong with the makeup, thinking he may have just been insecure about it, but later on you started to catch on to his little diva charade. You kept playing along as well. To Ben, every bit of close proximity left his mind reeling. He felt like a schoolboy around you, and he didn’t understand why.

“Thanks, (y/n).” he’d always say.

“It’s my job to make sure you boys look your best.” you assured him. “Though, you definitely don’t take much work in that department.”

The flirtatious remark left you both a dusty shade of pink.

Each time he finished a take, he would start to look to you for approval. You’d give him a thumbs up, which made him relax a lot more. He found himself growing more and more attracted to you over the course of the shoot. However, he was hesitant to ask you out. Seeing you so close to Joe, he felt a pang of jealousy. It caught him completely off guard when you asked him on a proper date, away from everyone else.

“What about you and Joe?” he stammered. You stared at him as if he’d grown a second head. Furrowing your brows you echo back, “What… About me and Joe?” Ben cocked his head to one side, knitting his brows together to match yours. “Aren’t you two together?” he asks rather sheepishly. You snort at his question.

“Oh GOD, no! He’s been my best friend since we met on the Pacific while I was interning! He’s basically my brother.” A wave of relief rushed over Ben hearing upon this.

That night after shooting, he took you to a quaint little pub just outside London for a drink. Though it was not quite your scene, you felt more comfortable in his presence. You loved seeing him being his authentic self, chatting about his athletic career, his love for his dog, the experience learning the drums… However, he seemed more interested in learning about you. He almost seemed to be studying what you said, as if you were going to assign some pop quiz at the end of the date.

“What brought you to working on BoRhap?” he asked.

“Well, as you know, Joe and I met while working on The Pacific. We became really good friends, went on one date-”

Ben’s eyes flickered for a moment, jealousy evident. You rolled your eyes in amusement.

“ONE date. Don’t worry, Ben!” you chuckled. “Like I said, he’s like my brother now. I wouldn’t in my wildest dreams think of dating him.”

His shoulders visibly relaxed at your words. You squeezed his hand across the table.

“Trust me, I like seeing you much better.”

Ben nodded, and you continued on with your explanation. Joe begged to have you on the team because you were recently out of a job. Singer seemed to like you enough to let you stay, remarking the “fine work you did with the blood and gashes.” He said it in an almost deriding manner, but at least you got the job with Joe.

The night went on with you both talking comfortably. You talked so long, in fact, that the bartender had to ask you to leave because the pub was closing so soon. Ben helped you gather your things and offered to pay for the Uber you both took back to where you were staying with Joe. As you neared your hotel room, you turned back to him with a smile.

“I had a lotta fun with you, Ben. Thanks for everything tonight.” Ben nodded, a blush creeping over his gorgeous features.

“I did too.” he replied nervously. Without thinking, you planted a kiss on the corner of his mouth. He looked somewhat astonished at the action.

“I wasn’t ready.” he blurted. You laughed at him and watched him grow a little more red. He rubbed the back of his neck, still not looking at you. Gingerly, you set a hand to his cheek and turn his face toward you. “You ready now?”

He licked his lips and nodded. You both leaned in slowly, hot breath fanning over one another’s faces before your lips touch. Bolts of electricity shot through both of you as your mouth moved onto his sweetly. He snakes an arm around the small of your back, his nervous demeanor melting away. As you part, breathing slightly ragged, you ask if he would like to come in. Of course, he obliged and you open the door. You flicked on the lights, and there was Joe sitting in the dark.

“So you decided to bring him home, huh?” he smirks at you. You stared at him, unsure of what to say. “Don’t worry, mate. I won’t be long.”

And not long he was before he had you wrapped around his finger. Though, that night was the start of a great relationship; Every weekend, you’d explore the city you were shooting in together, taking in the culture around you. During shooting, if he was on break, you two were laughing with the rest of the cast. Joe couldn’t help but make jokes about you two being so close, and, honestly, they were warranted; you two were always touching in some way, whether it be holding hands, gentle touches, or even just sitting on his lap. You both had fallen hard and fast with one another, but it was for the absolute best.

When Ben wrapped for the final time on set, you knew you had to say your goodbyes before the award season began. He promised to text every day, and call when he could. For the most part, he kept to it. It led to many late-night, early-morning calls on both ends, but you made it work. It was during one of your late-night calls that he had said that he loved you for the first time. During award shows, you were practically connected at the hip. He always brought you as his plus one. Occasionally, one of you would take a trip to see the another when your busy schedules were cleared. However, the award season came to a close and suddenly things fell apart a bit, bringing you to this morning. You sit with Joe at the table, staring blankly at your bowl, swirling your silverware around.

“Is…. Everything alright?” Joe inquires. You look up to your housemate and sigh.

“I’m alright.” you tell him, a sense of defeat lurks in the tone of your voice. Joe knows better, though.

“You’ve been playing with your breakfast for, like, fifteen minutes now, (y/n). Obviously somethings up.” he tells you pointedly. You deflate, knowing you can’t hide anything from Joe. You set down your silverware and take a swig of water to calm the lump forming in your throat. You set down the glass and sit back in the chair, rubbing your tired eyes. “It’s just,” you begin, then pressing your lips together to form the words. “It’s Ben, I guess?” Joe cocks his head to one side.

“Ben? What’s going on between you two?” Joe sets down the tea he’s been nursing all morning. You shake your head and shrug, eyebrows raising. “I don’t know. He’s just… been so distant lately. He’s hardly called, or texted or, hell, even sent like a photo to let me know he’s okay!” Your words spill out more swiftly as you talk. You clench your jaw to will away tears that dare to prick your eyes. It wasn’t evident until now how much this has been bothering you. Sure, you understand he’s busy, and long distance relationships are difficult, especially with time zone differences. However, you find yourself talking less and less each day, and when you ask if everything is okay, he always brushes you off with some new excuse.

“Oh, it was just a long day, I suppose. I fell asleep early.” 

“It’s nothing, love, I’m fine.”

Bullshit.

You hate to come to the worst assumption, but, at this point, what can you do? He could have anyone in the world, and you fear that he’ll come to know that. That is, if he hasn’t already. You choke out a sob, sinking further into this paranoia. Joe comes around to you and wraps you in a hug. You bury your face into his shoulder, grasping his arm. Your tears leave spots on Joe’s, but he does not mind. He simply holds you tighter, rubbing your back tenderly.

“You know as well as I do Ben loves you. He was head over heels since day one! I doubt he’s going anywhere.” Joe assures you. You sniffle and hic a little while longer.

“Long distance relationships can be hard, but you two have made it work for over a year and a half now!”

“I know… I’m just scared.” you choke out. Joe nods, still rubbing your back. “I know you are. It’s going to be ok, though. Take today to go out and relax ok? I know how much you need it.” he pulls away to look at you, still holding your shoulders. A caring smile plays on his lips. You nod. You really do need some time to yourself after the week you’ve had worrying over everything. Though, you really wish Ben would come with you.

You force down the rest of your breakfast and get ready. You decide a walk downtown would be a great way to clear your head. As you come back into the main room, Joe hands you your coat. “Stay safe, alright? I wish I could come with you, but I have some work I gotta do.” Joe hugs you tightly and you reciprocate.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be okay on my own.” you separate, and you slip on the coat to head out. Once you’re gone Joe whips out his phone.

You decide to weave in and out of shops in the downtown district. You even manage to buy yourself some new boots, seeing as yours were already on their last legs- literally. You pull on your new boots, setting your old ones into the box. Afterward, you go into the library to pick up a book to read. You figure reading will definitely help you get your mind off things. As you enter, the smell of dust and old books hits your nostrils. It’s peaceful and quiet, if not just a little stuffy. You make your way to your section of choice and scan through the countless books sitting on the old, wooden shelves. Once you find the one that best strikes your fancy, you make your way to the register. The clerk checks you out, and you thank them. You then set out to find a place to read outside, given that the weather was very pleasant for the first time in months.

After perhaps a half hour of walking, you find yourself at a small park. A street performer plays some version of “Bohemian Rhapsody” he seems to have made up on the spot. You give him some change nonetheless. He nods his head, signalling is gratitude.

‘Seems like I just can’t escape.’ you think bitterly. Still, you watch him for some time before settling on a bench to read.

You must have dozed off for the last hour because the sun was suddenly setting and you had three missed calls from Joe. You call him back immediately, realizing how long you’ve been gone.

“There you are!” Joe answers the phone giddily. “Hey. Sorry, I meant to check in sooner, but I think I fell asleep?” you chew your lip slightly.

“No worries. Are you doing any better?” there is concern laced in his voice.

“I’m… doing better, I guess. What’s going on? I saw you called, like, three times.” “Oh, yeah.” Joe chuckles over the line. “No pressure to come home immediately, but I have a slight surprise for you!” you can practically see him grinning like an idiot through the phone. You cock a brow in suspicion.

“What’s going on?” you chuckle.

“You’ll have to wait until you come home!” his tone has singsong quality.

“Okay, okay. I’ll be back soon. See ya.”

You hang up and gather your things. You decide Uber would probably be your best bet to get home. The driver attempts to make small-talk. However, you aren’t exactly paying attention, only offering short, preoccupied answers. The entire drive, you fidget, trying to think of what the surprise could be. Since it’s Joe, it could be literally anything. You pray he didn’t adopt some animal while you were out in an attempt to make you feel better; you both really don’t have the time to take care of one. Maybe he bought something. He knows you’d fight him about it, though. You are completely in the dark.

After what feels like an eternity, your home comes into view. You thank the driver and head in. You open the door, greeted by an unusual silence.

“Joe? I’m back!” you call from the front door. You drop your house key in the bowl on the table by the door and set your coat on the back of the couch. Joe pokes his head out from the kitchen and smiles at you. “Hey!” he comes up and gives you a hug. Stepping back he gives you a once-over.

“Those are new.” he says, looking at your boots. You twist your leg a little to show off the shoes more.

“They are, yeah.”

“I like ‘em!.”

“Thank you!” there is a beat in the conversation before you look back to him.

“So… what’s the surprise?” you ask him. His eyebrows raise, his eyes widening to follow suit.

“Right!” he begins to get hyper. “Go upstairs and change into something nice! I’m driving you somewhere!” you look at him quizzically, but he simply ushers you to your room to change.

You decide on some black pants, a nice shirt and slip on a necklace that Ben had given you on your first anniversary. Generally, you only wear it for special occasions.You would wear it every day if you could, but it’s too far precious, and you’re afraid to lose it.

You play with your hair until you’re satisfied with it and head back to Joe who is sitting back on the couch texting. He looks back at you as you enter and jokingly gives you a whistle.

“You look HOT!” he laughs. You smirk and roll your eyes at him playfully.

“Whatever, Maz!”

Joe gets up and grabs his car keys and coat. You grab your coat again as well. “You ready?”

“I suppose?” You walk out, the new chill breezing through you. You get into the car, and he flips on the radio. You both jam out, singing terribly off-key to the songs that come on. It helps you feel better to be with your best friend. After some time, you find yourselves in the more upscale part of the city. “Joe, where are we going?” you turn back to him. He has a grin on his face and is practically vibrating in his seat.

“Well….” he starts, pulling up to a parking spot. “I know you’ve been working really hard, and you’ve been stressed about a lot… so….” you begin walking toward a fancy restaurant. “So you’re taking me out to a fancy dinner?” you jump the gun a bit. Joe bites the inside of his cheek.

“Well, I’m not. I’m just your ride, but-”

“Ben!?” you spot a familiar figure standing outside. His blond hair is slicked back, and he is wearing black slacks and a white button up shirt. He looks up at you and his mouth gapes slightly. All your worries melt away as you run to your boyfriend excitedly, leaving Joe behind. “(y/n). Oh my god, I missed you. You look amazing. I- oof!” he gasps as you jump into his arms, causing him to stumble backward a bit. He spins you around, before setting you down and enveloping you in the sweetest kiss, both of you exchanging “I love yous” and “I miss yous” over and over. Tears you were not aware of begin to fall down your cheeks. He cups your face with one hand, rubbing them away with his thumb. You part, setting a hand on Ben’s chest. His heart beats rapidly, full of adrenaline.

“He’s the one taking you out.” Joe laughs, trotting up to the two of you. You look between the two men in shock. “You mean- you knew this whole time?” you stare wide-eyed. He looks at you somewhat sheepishly and chuckles.

“Dude, I was CRYING this morning, what the hell!?” you shove him lightly, though a smile still stays plastered to your face.

“I know, I know! I’m sorry. It took so much not to say anything, but Ben wanted this to be a surprise.” you give Joe a giant hug.

“I forgive you- for now, but you’re doing dishes the next week!” you laugh at him, tears still falling from your eyes.

“Fiiiine.” Joe laughs. “Now stop crying, you two have a fancy dinner to eat!”  You nod and take Ben’s hand. He gives it a squeeze, and say your goodbyes to Joe before heading in.

You almost feel under-dressed by how beautiful this place is. It’s easily a 5-star restaurant, and you’re afraid to even know what the prices are. Everyone is dressed up as far as you can see, the table linen is stark white and each table is illuminated by candles. The hostess smiles at the two of you as you walk up to the podium “Hello, welcome. Do you have a reservation?” she asks. Ben nods. “Under Hardy?” he states. You both exchange loving glances as the hostess checks you in. “Of course, right this way.” you follow her to a more secluded part of the restaurant. It’s much quieter and you have a lovely view of the city outside. However, the view across from you is more breathtaking than any city skyline. You sit down, and the hostess summons a waiter to your table before leaving. He sets down glasses of ice water and bread as an appetizer. Neither of you order drinks, though. You both want to be as sober as possible and remember this night.

“So you have some explaining to do, mister.” you tell him before taking a sip of the ice water. Ben averts his gaze for a moment but quickly returns to you.

“Right, first I’m really sorry about it. Joe told me what happened-”

“I forgive you. You’re here and that’s all that matters.” you cut him off. He sighs, relieved.

“I wanted to keep it a secret, but I was afraid of telling you at every turn that I thought it would be better to just avoid it altogether, I suppose.” you nod, smirking. “Aren’t you an actor? One would think you’d be better at this.” you joke. Ben laughs at your response, nodding in agreement.

“One would think.” “So, then what was it that you’ve been avoiding me for?”

Ben shifts his gaze away again, biting his cheek momentarily. He searches for the words to tell you. You lean forward a bit in anticipation. His cheeks grow rosy from nerves, but you squeeze his hand assuringly, which gives him the strength to look back at you. “(y/n), we’ve been together a very long while. People said long distance would be difficult, but we’ve made it work this long.” he begins. You nod at him, a loving gaze filling your eyes. “I love you so much, and I want to be able to see you every day. It’s been bloody agonizing trying to keep this from you, but I want to finally ask you. Will you move in with me? Obviously it’s a big decision. I wanted to ask you before finding somewhere, but I want more than anything to be able to wake up to you every morning, to have meals with you every day, and sleep beside you every night. All I need is to know you’re on board with me.” New tears stream from your eyes and you nod intensely, throwing your hands over your mouth to keep back a loud sob. Ben grins, and his eyes go misty as well. He takes your hand and kisses your knuckles softly.

“I love you, (y/n). So much.” he tells you, looking deeply in your years. You take your other hand from your lips, regaining your composure, smiling like an idiot. “I love you too, Ben.”

The rest of the night goes very well. The food is heavenly, and you are both treated like absolute royalty while dining. As both of you eat, you look at different locations that he had picked previously, both in the states and in the UK. You decide together on a town home in London as well as a nicer apartment in New York, not terribly far from where you and Joe currently live together. It likely isn’t wise to decide without seeing both properties first, but you’re more than ecstatic to begin your new life with Ben, even if you’re going to miss living with Joe.

Once the bill comes, Ben swipes it from you before you even have a chance to look at it. You pout, earning a chuckle from Ben. “Don’t worry about it, love. I’ve set enough aside for this. You don’t have to pay anything for it.” you nearly cry for the fourth time when he says this. As you head out, Joe picks you both back up. “I assume you’re staying with Ben tonight?” he asks you through the rear-view mirror. You’re cuddled up to Ben in the back seat exchanging kisses every so often.

“If that’s okay.” you giggle at him. He playfully rolls his eyes, but he is very happy to see you feeling so much better after the last few weeks.

“Any places you both like?”

You both tell Joe excitedly about the two places you’ve both fallen in love with. He secretly hopes you stay close, but he knows you’ll make the right choice with either home.

As you all pull up to the hotel Ben is staying at, you thank Joe profusely for everything. You then go arm in arm with Ben to his hotel room for further “catching up”.

Within a few months comes the day you and Ben move in together. After looking at both locations, you decide to stay in the states in the New York apartment in the city. It is a beautiful home with room for Frankie and several very lovely neighbors. It’s well insulated from the bustling city as well. Joe helps both of you settle into the new place as well. Ben had moved in a week prior to make things as great as they possibly can for you.

“You sure you don’t want me to stay and help build anything?” Joe asks you.

“No, you’ve done more than enough! But feel free to drop by again around 7 or 8 for dinner!”

Joe smiles and shrugs.

“I think your first meal in your new home should be the two of you. Just remember to invite me to the housewarming party!”

“Of course, dude! You’re the first person on my list!” you laugh at him. The conversation silences for just a moment.

“I’m gonna miss you at home, (y/n).” he says hugging you for the final time before heading out. You hug him back and place a kiss on his cheek. “I’m only two hours away, Joe. Come visit us any time, okay? And we’ll be over too.” you promise. He nods to you and gives Ben a hug as well.

“You better take better care of (y/n) than you did to me!” he mocks Ben. Ben chuckles at him and puts an arm around your shoulder, looking at you with admiration. “I will, mate. I promise.”

And with that, your life with Ben begins.

Bonus: “No, it definitely goes here.” Ben says, attempting to screw in a leg for the new table. You laugh at him and look at the instructions again. It’s only been a few hours since Joe left, and you two are beginning to build the furniture you bought during the week.

“Ben, my love, that’s definitely an H screw. The legs need a B screw. Look.” You show him the instructions and he grows rosy. “That’s definitely a B screw!” he scoffs playfully at you.

“This table will B-screwed up if you use that H screw, babe.” you chuckle. He holds you closely and kisses you on the temple. “I’ll forgive you for that terrible joke.” he smiles at you. You kiss him softly on the lips, cupping his warm cheeks in the process.

After another hour of squabbling and drilling, the table is finally built.

“That took much longer than expected.” you snort. Ben nods.

“Hungry? I can cook us something if you’d like.” you offer.

“Definitely. Do you need any help?” he asks you, planting a kiss on your cheek. “Just keep me company?” he obliges and you both head into the kitchen area. He opens his phone and turns on Queen music, both of you singing and reliving the days of shooting the movie. “Love of my Life” turns on, and Ben holds you from behind, swaying to the melody of Brian’s guitar.

“Smells amazing, love.” he says to you, kissing your neck sweetly. You smile down at the meal your preparing. It isn’t a masterpiece, but it’s the first meal you two will have together in your new home. You managed to follow a recipe for vegetable paella online relatively well. “It’s just about done. Can you set the table, Ben?” you ask him. He kisses your cheek one more time and goes to set your new plates down as well as silverware and glasses.

You come out of the kitchen, placing the food at the center of the table. You both serve yourselves, Queen still playing in the background. Ben takes a bite of the paella and practically moans from satisfaction. “This is bloody amazing, (y/n). You did a brilliant job!” he tells you through a mouthful of food. You laugh at him and thank him. You take a bite as well, mentally patting yourself on the back for the great job you did.

The rest of dinner was eaten in a comfortable silence, both of you taking in one another’s presence. Frankie sat beneath you, hoping you’d drop even a morsel of food. You give the dog a pat on the head and she huffs.

After dinner, you both settle on the couch Ben and Joe put together before you moved in and watched something on TV. You cuddle up against his chest, his arm slumped over you. Your body relaxes as Ben runs his fingers through your tousled hair, and your vision grows hazy. A sudden sleepiness from the day washes over you and your eyes drift shut. Ben begins to fall asleep too and you both stay there for the night.

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@littlemisscaptainfandom

[turtle-steverogers]

Departed Chap 6 Pt 2

Ship: Slow burn Sprace

Warnings: Flashback type thing. Albert being a dumbass

Spot was shocked awake by the sound of loud banging at his apartment door. He closed his eyes, willing whoever was knocking to go away. It was Christmas morning for chrissakes, couldn’t he sleep?

The knocking persisted and he felt Race groan against his chest, “Spottie, go get that and tell whoever it is to shut the fuck up.”

Spot pulled himself from Race’s embrace and stumbled out of his bedroom. Whoever was at the door was still knocking.

“Shut up, I’m comin’!” Spot shouted. He opened the door and was greeted with Albert and Finch, both wearing reindeer antlers.

“Merry fuckin’ Christmas!” Albert exclaimed, smiling brightly.

“Albert Schuyler DaSilva, it is too early for you to-”

“We brought Christmas breakfast,” Finch cut in, holding up a dish with a basket of bagels balanced on top.

Spot held the door open wider, “I hope ya know m’only lettin’ you guys in cuz you brought food. Any other circumstance I’d have slammed the door in ya faces.”

“Oh, we know,” Albert said, making his way to Spot’s bedroom, “ANTONIO HIGGINS, GET THE FUCK UP! IT’S CHRISTMAS!”

“FUCK YOU, ALBERT!”

Albert walked over to where Spot and Finch were setting the table, “He’ll be comin’.”

Sure enough, Race walked out of the bedroom two minutes later, wearing an old Christmas sweater, “Hey, Finch?”

“Yeah?”

“Your boyfriend is awful.”

“I know,” Finch said, leaning over and kissing the offended look off of Albert’s face.

The four boys dug into the feast, “Y’all doin’ anythin’ today?” Albert asked, mouth full of cinnamon roll.

“Don’t eat with your mouth full, love,” Finch piped up.

Albert frowned and swallowed, “So are y’all?”

“We’re gonna go down to Rockefeller Center ta see the big tree,” Spot said, spreading cream cheese onto a bagel.

“We are?” Race cocked his head.

“Oh yeah, forgot to ask ya,” Spot said, “Hey, Race, wanna go see the big tree in Rockefeller Center?”

Race rolled his eyes, “Yeah, Spot, I’ll go see the big tree with ya.”

Spot kicked him under the table and Race laughed, “Anyway, yeah that’s our plan. What about you guys?”

Finch shrugged, “Nothin’ really. Prolly gonna watch some Christmas movies and make cookies.”

“You guys can come see the tree with us if ya want,” Spot offered, “I was thinkin’ of goin’ around 8 ish.”

Albert and Finch exchanged a glance, “Okay, sure.” Albert said, “Y’all are welcome to come make cookies with us before.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Race said, cheerfully.

The table was cleared not long afterward and Spot and Race went to get dressed while Albert and Finch relaxed in the living room. Spot tugged off his pajama shirt and pants, then rummaged through his drawers for a clean long-sleeved shirt. The door to the bathroom opened and Spot thanked the heavens that he was wearing boxer briefs at the moment.

“Oh shit, Spot, sorry. Shoulda made sure you were decent,” Race spluttered, turning an impressive shade of red.

Spot hastily pulled on a pair of jeans, “S’fine, man. S’not like you haven’t seen me in a swimsuit or somethin’ before.”

“Dude, Tae Kwon Do is makin’ you ripped,” Race blurted. His eyes widened when he realized what he had just said, “I am fuckin’ up so badly right now, so I’ma jus’, uh, walk out of the room.”

Spot watched, half-amused and thoroughly flustered as Race backed out of his bedroom. He blinked a few times to compose himself, then pulled on a grey sweater that he’d forgotten he owned before exiting his room as well.

“Cookie time!” Albert cheered. They made the short walk across the hall to Albert and Finch’s apartment. Upon entry, Albert and Race made a beeline to the fridge and pulled out two packs of Pillsbury Christmas tree cookies.

“These are better than drugs and no one can convince me otherwise,” Race said, ripping open a pack and placing them on a cookie tray that Albert had supplied.

“I agree with that statement and I’m a strong believer in weed solving all of life’s problems.” Albert said, earning a scoff from Race.

Spot and Finch sat in the living room as the other two boys baked the cookies.

“How’s Race been?” Finch asked after several minutes of comfortable quiet.

Spot shrugged, “He has his ups and downs. He’s still avoiding talkin’ about Melissa too much, which kinda worries me.”

“That’s valid, ‘specially after the way he reacted when she showed up at ya door like a freaky bitch.”

Spot scoffed, “That about sums her up- and yeah, she’s definitely affected him way more than he lets on.”

“I wonder if it’s not necessarily that he’s afraid of lookin’ weak or sum, rather he jus’ doesn’t wanna acknowledge that he went through somethin’ like that,” Finch said, thoughtfully, “I remember when Al was in that car crash n’ he lost his brother, he refused to talk about it for months. When he finally did, it was like he was truly acceptin’ it for the first time...God that was messy.”

Spot frowned, he remembered the several months following Albert’s accident. It had been their freshman year of college and for a while, Albert had seemed like nothing but a shell of the charismatic person he usually was. His brother, Henry, had been the closest person to him and losing him had near killed him. What Race had gone through had not been of the same nature as Albert’s experience, but it definitely had instilled a similar trauma into him.

“Yeah, it would make sense if it’s somethin’ like that,” Spot said, “I guess he’ll talk when he’s ready.”

“Time is all ya can give these kinds of thing,” Finch sighed.

“I suppose.”

Albert and Race came out with a plate full of cookies, “Movie marathon time!” Race said, “Albert and I made a list of the movies we’re watchin’ today. First is a Christmas Story.”

XXX

At 7:45, the four boys were gearing up to go. Finch had suggested they make hot cocoa to bring, so they all were carrying Christmas themed thermoses that they had found in the apartment.

“I’m so excited,” Race said as he pulled on the hat that Spot had let him keep after their ice skating excursion, “I haven’t been ta see the tree in years.”

“I’ve never been,” Albert admitted.

Spot turned to him in shock, “You’re tellin’ me you’ve lived in New York City all your life and you haven’t seen the big tree?”

“I’ve only been livin’ here since I was fourteen and I’ve been,” Finch added.

“My parents weren’t big on Christmas, okay? Not my fault,” Albert huffed.

Race laughed and clapped him on the back, “No worries, brother. We’re here to help ya lose your Rockefeller Center Tree virginity.”

“Why d’you hafta word things the way you do?” Spot asked and Race wrinkled his nose, pulling his scarf on.

They arrived at Rockefeller Center to find it bustling with people. The tree looked magnificent. It towered over the square, lighting it up with brilliant white lights. A soft blue glow was spread across the ice skating rink directly under where the tree stood, adding a mystical aura to the area. Spot glanced over to Race, who was staring in awe up at the tree. The blue glow reflected in his eyes, making them impossibly bluer. The lights from the tree reflected off his fair skin and Spot couldn’t help but think how beautiful he looked as he stood, completely enraptured by the scene before him. Race turned his head and made eye contact with Spot.

He smiled and reached out to hold onto one of Spot’s hands, “Spot, this is beautiful. I’m really glad we came.”

“I am too,” Spot said. Race stepped closer to Spot’s side and laced their fingers together. They stood, sipping their hot cocoa and taking in the sights and sounds of New York City on Christmas for what felt like an eternity.

Their peace was interrupted however by the sounds of several cars honking loudly. Race jumped, his hot cocoa mug slipping from his hands and spilling it’s contents down the front of Spot’s shirt.

“Shit! Ow,” Spot exclaimed, jumping backwards.

“Fuck, Spot I’m so sorry,” Race said, backing away, “I-I’m sorry, I-” His breath hitched and Spot looked up from his shirt to see Race with his eyes squeezed shut, covering his mouth with one hand. From where he stood, he could tell Race was shaking. He doubled over slightly and Spot forced himself to recover from his shock. He carefully walked towards where Race was standing, reminding himself not to touch him. People were starting to stare and Spot glanced around to look for some kind of cover. There were a few storefronts a little ways away that looked pretty vacant, so he decided to aim for those.

“Hey Race, canya hear me?” He asked, working to keep his tone soothing and not at all accusatory. Race didn’t answer and Spot cursed to himself.

Albert and Finch materialized by his side, “What happened?” Finch asked, alarmed.

“He spilled his hot cocoa on me,” Spot answered, his attention still directed towards Race, who was visibly crying now, “Racer, c’mon. Are ya hearin’ me?”

Race backed up another step, “I-I’m sorry,” Spot heard him whisper.

Spot stepped closer, “Antonio, I needya ta listen. C’mon, I promise I’m not mad and I’m not gonna touch ya. Canya please hear me?” Spot begged. He felt helpless.

Albert stepped tentatively next to Spot, “I think he’s havin’ like a flashback sorta thing. I used ta get ‘em after..ya know. Can I try to-” He gestured towards Race and Spot nodded. Albert walked carefully over to Race so he was standing right next to him.

“Race,” He said, softly, “It’s me, Albert. Jus’ me n’ you here. I promise that’s all that’s happenin’. Canya open your eyes, please? I promise, it’s Albert. You can open your eyes and you’ll be safe.”

Spot watched as Race blinked open his eyes. He flinched violently before making eye contact with Albert. The relief that flitted across his features broke Spot’s heart.

Albert continued, “Nice job, dude. Think we can move somewhere a lil’ quieter? I think that might make ya feel better.”

Race nodded and the two of them weaved through the crowd towards the storefronts Spot had noticed earlier. Finch and him exchanged a look before hurrying after them. They got caught behind a few groups of people and by the time they got to the other two, Race had stopped crying.

“You good, man?” Finch asked, sympathetically.

Race shrugged, “Yeah, m’better. Sorry ‘bout your shirt, Spot.”

“It’s okay, Race, I swear ta ya I ain’t mad or nothin’.” Race nodded.

“Why don’t we head back?” Albert suggested.

“I think that’s a good idea,” Spot agreed.

Back at the apartment, Spot waited in the bedroom while Race took a shower. He mentally replayed what Albert had done to help Race in case he’d ever have to get Race through a bad situation again, though he prayed to anyone who could be listening that he wouldn’t. Race emerged from the bathroom looking drained. He sat down on the bed by Spot’s feet.

“I want to talk about it. I want to share more than I have,” He paused and took a deep breath, “I need to talk it out, I know that I won’t get past it if I don’t. It just-” His voice cracked and Spot sat up to run a hand up and down his back, “It just hurts so goddamn much. She hurt me so goddamn much and I don’t wanna live it again by talking about it.”

Even from his space behind him, Spot could tell that Race was holding back tears.

He stopped rubbing his back and reached for one of Race’s hands, “Talk about it when you’re ready. I’m here to listen whenever that is. You’re not alone, Race. You’re not goin’ through this alone.”

“I’m sorry I ruined Christmas- and your shirt.”

“You didn’t ruin anythin’, Race. Nothin’ that happened tonight was your fault.”

Race gave a watery laugh, “What did I do to deserve you, Spot?”

“You deserve everything good, Race. You deserve support and help and love.”

Race didn’t answer. Instead, he gave Spot’s hand a squeeze and laid back against his chest. Spot lifted his free hand and carded it through Race’s hair. He began to softly hum under his breath until he could feel Race’s breath even out into sleep- finally looking at peace.

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