#but then to find out he did that to victim when victim didnt do nothin to him

[nyankoizumi]

if the entire AVA and AVM series is canonically in youtube for anyone to see and The Chosen One were to see the first ever AVA video and witness Alan killing Victim before Chosen had even been created would that be fucked up or what

[irl]

man it just makes me salty

tldr i got mommy AND daddy issues and nothins gonna stop me from healing and coping from trauma

04/21/22 - im not rereading this rn but it may be a trauma dump LMAO madness emoji

she was still laying her hands on me up until right before i turned 18 bcos she knew that shed instilled the knowledge in me that once you become an adult thats when people care about what you have to say and shed be hit with assault charges. she threatened me for almost a full year after i turned 18 to kick me out, basically every two weeks, like clockwork. till she actually did, while i was two thousand miles away with no money and only the clothes on my back. then she had me kidnapped and brought back to her house, making me sign a condescending contract which she’d written up in order for her to “let me stay” with her after making it apparent that i had no other option. i couldnt speak to her about anything, i couldnt share my happiness or my sadness with her. she would always turn it into a weapon against me to hurt me or have an excuse to lecture me for several hours which would then warp into just the same beratements over and over again about how much of a disappointment i was to her and how i was worthless and meant nothing to her. i wasnt allowed to speak. i just had to shut up and take it. then shed act like nothing happened.

she caused lasting trauma that turned me into a hoarder until the only way i could cope was by making sure that i never had more possessions than what could fit in my car in an hours notice. i had one pair of jeans that were filled with holes and falling apart and when i asked her to get me a new pair or two because i was walking to school in 7 degree weather on snow and ice, she said she couldnt afford it. the next week she had a new hot tub. as soon as i got my first job, i wasnt included in family dinners anymore, i “could afford to get my own food”. she’d laugh and tell me that she assumed i didnt want to eat anyways. she’d force herself into dressing rooms with me all growing up, watch me undress then talk about how much of a horrible mother she was to let me get this fat. “look at you, its disgusting, im so sorry.” i came out to her and she yelled and screamed and cried and when i was finally able to get her to end her newest take on a lecture, a few hours later she texted me asking if i got her email. she couldnt even say the worst stuff to my face, under the guise of loving me. she would tell me she loved me and in the same breath tell me that im hurting her by trusting her. when i was young and told her i was suicidal because i trusted her, she told me i was selfish and asked me how i could ever do something like that to her. i was scared and wanted help and she turned it into a pissing contest so that she could be the victim. i knew what i wanted to wear in the casket. she cried when i cut my hair to my shoulders. she didnt talk to me for a month when i got it even shorter.

i couldnt think positively of my dad for so long. she warped his image and turned him into a weapon against me as often as she could. i was the go to scapegoat. she told me i could come back and live with her if i needed to, but dont expect a warm welcome as her husband would be entirely against it. dont expect much help, because he didnt want me around to begin with. her husband was an entirely different can of worms, scary like a far off raging storm. you know it could hit at any moment, but it doesnt seem to be moving. you had no warning other than the fact that its always there, churning just out of reach. after she had me kidnapped and brought back to her house, i replaced the things he stole from me. she told me not to let her husband find out because he’d take those too. i told her to let him try because that is theft and i will sue him. it never came up again.

once i started fighting back, she started cowing. once she knew she lost control of me, she started respecting. if only out of fear of losing me entirely. i told her to stop using my dad as a weapon against me, she stopped mentioning him entirely. i told her that i will only respond to my name, so she started using it. i told her that our relationship depends entirely on me, and that i have the ability to disappear from her life if i wanted to. i proved it by not speaking to her for a year and a half. shes been on her best behavior since.

and these have only been the scrapings ive been able to remember. i have only a handful of memories before im 13. till im 19 is a blur filled with fog. then its blank for another two years. im 23 and i can only clearly remember the past two years of my life. but i know shits happened to give me a plethora of mental shit. ive been to several therapists. they havent helped much, but theyve put names to what i have.

then i went into researching. figuring out what their symptoms were and how they affected me and my life. how they made me see the world. so i could learn how to properly cope and become healthier for myself and the people around me. i could have just laid back and blamed my behavior on mental illness. i couldve just let it fester and never try to reflect. and i did when i was younger. thats no way to live. i had to take accountability, i had to learn, i had to grow. i had to shape myself into a person i could be happy with, and im still learning. but im better today than i was yesterday, and tomorrow ill be better than i am now. its taken work and effort. and it hurts. it hurts to see that the actions ive made in my past, while stemming from illness, have hurt the people around me. and taking that pain, i had to learn and grow and cope. figure out what works and what doesnt, so i dont just keep hurting people.

i could just sit back and let it keep happening, but i deserve better, and the people i care about deserve better. take the hint.

[19possums-blog]

On tianshan relationship and their fandom, i guess ?

hello there @nightfayre !! Im the 5asks anon lol (the one abt the last chapter of tianshan). I wanted to thank you for your answer and continue to rant in your askbox but i figured it was so long that mb it would crash ur box lmao, so I... kind of created a blog..... hm. well theres no bad reasons to create an account is there lol ?? (also is there no way to send a long ask ?? why is it so limited :(( )

So once again thank you for anwser, and what an answer ! You raised many points i didnt think about and that was very interesting. I knew i would be glad to hear your thoughts ! the rest under a read more coz i think its going to be looong lol

(( To do a sort of disclaimer : I despise fandom discourse and im more of the mentality “let ppl enjoy what they want as long as it dont hurt real life ppl”, and “dont like dont interact”. So everything im going to say is not an attack against anyone, but just a way of prolonging a manhwa that i like. Most of all, i want to emphasize that at the end of the day, its just a manhwa : it doesnt justify being mean or aggressive towards other real life ppl. If you find yourself raging while reading fandom wank, just stop reading, block, and go outside a little. My way of enjoying the manhwa is to be analytical, to criticize (positively and negatively) and to look at the material source as well as the fandom in itself ; if its (understandably lol) not your definition of fun, this post may not be for you !))

Ur totally right in saying that the hardest thing is separate morality, reality and fiction. I hope my asks didn't come across as a 'u shouldnt like tianshan bc its not morally good'. There is a lot of puritan push back on tumblr lately, and im totally against it. Everyone is free to like/ship what they want ; reading only ‘morally good’ literature wont prevent you to become a nasty person - i would argue itd be the exact opposite, as your spirit wont be trained to think critically or to evaluate a situation (and every situations is always grey) by your own means. Also, its important to separate fantasies/what you like to read and who you are/what you do. To be embarrassingly honest, and like many people, one of my sexual fantasy is rape ; but in my real life, im in a queer anarchist collective that actively fights against rape culture and defends rape victims. That is why i dont have a problem with SheLI/Mo shippers (or even HeCheng/SheLi shippers) even if its not my cup of tea, but i would have a problem if in real life (irl) ppl would say to irl Mo that irl SL is good for him (or if they wouldnt find it wrong that a irl 30yo Cheng is involved wt an irl 15yo Li). I digress.

But then again this confusion about fiction/reality/morality is at the core of the tianshan fandom -and many fandoms. I dont know about you, but i grossly see 3 types of ‘trends’ depending on how ppl interact with the source material  :

1.The ones who think you cant like something while being critical of it. I love 19 days but I think there are flaws in it, beyond tianshan dynamic (like how OX handles the transition between funny and dramatic moments –I think its badly done). It doesn’t mean I personally hate OX and wish harm to their family oc. Worse than this, the ones who, because they dont like certain things in 19 days, feel free to harass OX on their social media.  Here its a confusion between fiction and reality and a lack of critical thinking.

2. the ones that loves Tianshan because they think it fits the trope “Dark, handsome, tortured violent boy who is violent towards fragile, sweet, pure cute boy because he loves him” and the typically associated trope “the pure boy will change the violent boy by the pureness of his heart”. Aka the most common yaoi trope. Again, if it pleases people to see Tianshan like this, good for them and i hope they have a nice time reading 19 days. Lets face it, I love really bad yaoi and books. Its just not how i see tianshan at all, but to each their own. I just have a problem when these ppl insist that its an ok behavior to have in real life and say things like “possessiveness is a proof of love” uncritically (hint : it isnt). For me, its the difference between enjoying fast food (thats okay), and wanting to force everyone to eat fast food and to find it pleasurable (not okay).

3. the ones that think what you like in literature defines who you are, and so in order to be a “good person” you have to only like “morally good litterature” -there are the ones I personally find the more interesting bc they can ask good questions. But alas, in most cases its just puritanism badly disguised and currently they are in all fandoms. Lets not delve into the issue of this statement : what is ‘morally good’ ? who are in the authority to proclaim what is good ? how can you recognize what is ‘morally good’ if you dont see what is ‘morally not good’ ? is it literature’s responsibility to educate its audience ? do literature have to point out “watch out audience what just happened is not okay” as if we were brainless children ? whats more important : what you like reading or what you do irl ? .... Okay i totally delve into this lmao. Here its a confusion between fiction and morality and a rejection of critical thinking : we could say its like when the Catholics prohibited women from reading bc it would pervert them and think of the children).

Returning to the specifics of what we've been talking about  : so in this last case, you (generic ‘you’) think that you are a good person ; so you have to read morally good literature. So in this case, fandom isnt just a harmless hobby, but a proof of how you are morally good, imagine the stakes ! But alas, you happen to like 19 days and most specifically tianshan. You said (@nightfayre​ ) that you judge Tianshan unhealthy as they are now, and i wholeheartedly agree with you, so im not going to discuss why since you already explained it so well. So, what happens when you like a morally not good ship, but you think liking morally dubious things makes you a bad person ? You bent over backwards to explain that, in fact, this ship is morally good, to protect your integrity. And thats why, in 19days fandom since the last chapter (and its the same thing with every chapter where flaws of HT are revealed!), there are many posts going around “hm, in fact, what He Tian did is good ! i know it can seems like hes a violent asshole who dont respect MGS because he punches him, threatens him, and dont listen to him, but hm.... in fact its because he’s nice...” and then they do mental gymnastics to justify what is, obviously, not morally justifiable. And i find its a pity because, my guy, my buddy, nobody is going to throw you tomatoes if you like a morally dubious character, and also bc nothin is morally good ! everybody does what they think is the best in ‘problematic situations’ ! and thats what make life interesting ! and so, 19 days interesting ! The flaws of HT (and MGS) are what drawn ppl to his character, bc it makes him real, its makes him contradictory, we can project ourselves in him, and we can see a complicated character with awesome latent potential. And yes, treating someone like a territory bc you care about them is a flaw lol. (on this subject : i saw ppl saying that its protectiveness and not possession : if you protect someone like you would protect a territory, then its not a healthy protection. you deal with a human whose agency you must respect, contrary to a territory).

MGS and HT are the product of what happen to them in their early childhood and then their adolescence. Like you said, they grow up in a violent, twisted world, where being emotionally distant is the norm. I would even say that they are expected to conform to the standards of (toxic) masculinity : channel all your emotions into anger, caring is being weak and feminine, prove your worth by your physical strength, be in control in all ur relationship, etc. I would say thats why Mo is so hostile towards HT : HT challenges his masculinity, by seducing him (everyone know that the biggest fear of macho men like HT and Mo is being considered gay -_-) and being stronger than him. Lets face it, Mo has kind of a homophobic issue, like all the boys. Between JY who tells HT its disgusting being told hes handsome by a man (at the beginning of the manhwa, i hope by now he had grown out of it), or Mo who tells HT he isnt happy that a guy is on his bed or who desperately wants to prove his heterosexuality by saying he likes all cute girls to his baldy friend... HT is more nuanced, but at the end, when he ‘seduces’ Mo, its always predatory. He doesnt let himself being vulnerable and he aggressively touches Mo even without his consent. For me, its a way of proving his domination, not his interest (and when i say that, i dont mean that HT is not genuinely interested in Mo -just that his actions dont translate this). ZZX is the only one who seems to have a healthy relationship with his masculinity lol, but then hes the healthy one in all aspects (thats why i dont like his character and am not invested in zhanyi, even if irl i would love to be his friend).

With all that being said, oc HT wont know how to adequately express genuine concern and interest in Mo ! This sort of social interactions is not something you just know, its smth you learn. And in HT and Mo’s cases, nobody was there to teach them -we could even say that ppl in their life made them unlearn caring behaviors. So HT does what he does best : he fights and forces, and is surprised when Mo thinks (obviously) HT is evil. And also, like you said, Mo will never be (at least how he is now) a driving force in their relationships bc he will always run away from bonding with ppl. So here we are, HT being the only driving force in their relationship, the same HT who only knows violence. No wonder that their relationship is like this...

As it is, i feel like tianshan is kind of in an impasse right now. One or the other is going to have to evolve if we want to see their relationships changing. Either HT learns how to care without being violent (seems complicated if Mo doesnt challenges him, bc HT isnt going to realize this without feedback since its how he has always functioned), or, more likely, Mo is going to be honest with him and tell him that his behavior is hurting him. Though more probable, I dont see it happening anytime soon : for one, Mo isnt capable of seeing when he is hurting emotionally and what is hurting him ; and also, bc Mo doesnt know any other language than violence, not unlike HT. I think its smth most of the fandom ignore, how violence is smth that HT and MGS both have in common, and how if HT wasnt violent, MGS certainly wouldnt consider him at all.

Anw im excited to see where OX is going with all this ! Like you said, the forced kiss was pivotal to their relationship, so im kind of hoping it would be the same here ! I just hope they wont... do like usual and just put a funny chapter and ignore this latest development.....

OMG i wrote soo much and there is so much i still want to say.... i think im going to do a second post... sorry about the spam lmao

( @nightfayre : i dont know how this site works yet, is @ you alright ? will it show you my post in your notif or should i send an ask ?  bc i want you to see my answer, but i dont want you to feel pressurized to respond or interact or anything !! above all dont feel pressurized, i was sad last night when you wrote ‘im sorry to not answer more quicly’ bc you should answer at your own rhythm or not answer ! your blog is a hobby, not an obligation, so dont feel bad to not do more when yo already do much !! )

[fire-emblem-heroes-supports]

FH!M!Robin/Fae C-S Support

Written by @datkooby

C SUPPORT

Grima: Hmph. Puny humans. Always getting in my way. Disrupting my plans. But no longer shall I be subjected to armor slaying knights.

Grima: They shall know true fear. For I am the wings of dispair. I am the breath of ruin… I am the fell dra-

Fae: Tag! You’re “it”!

Grima: I am “IT”!

Grima: …wait.

Grima: Excuse me, what do you think you’re doing, child?

Fae: ‘scalled Tag! And you’re “it”!

Grima: “It” for what? Are you assuming a God like me has time for your games, child?

Fae: Well, everyone’s gots time for games! Even dee… di… divine dragons like us! If you don’t make time for play, you get all grumpy!

Fae: And you looked the grumpiestest dragon of them all.

Grima: Bah. So, a game you want, a game you shall get.

Grima: I shall destroy you, child, and all you-

Grima: Hey- wait, get back here!

Fae: Nyah nyah, gotta catch me first!!

Grima: …hmph. They shall know fear. Right after I am through being “it”.

[Grima and Fae have reached support rank C.]

B SUPPORT

Grima: Hahh… hahh… for a small one… she sure can run.

Grima: This is embarrassing. I cannot continue running after this child, hoping to stop being “it” in a game I did not want to play.

Grima: Perhaps if I were to simply burn down the forest, it would flush her out.

Fae: Heya!

Grima: A-HAH! I have found you now, child! Now you shall-

Fae: Didja give up tryin’ ta find me?

Grima: What, no, I was just about to…

Grima: …Now hold on one moment. What was the meaning of this game? You deliberately delayed my plans to finally be rid of these wretched humans!

Fae: Nuh-uh, I didn’t debilerately do nothin’! I jus’ wanted to play tag’s all. B'sides, you were smiling!

Grima: I did not smile, pest. I was simply… enjoying the thrill of the hunt.

Fae: Naw, you were smiling!

Grima: …fine. I was and I hated it. Listen now and listen well, child. You cannot, not ever, cross me. You shall come to regret it, child.

Fae: My name’s not “child”, Mister. My name’s Fae, and I’m gonna be bigger and stronger than you one day! So’s that way, when I’m big, I can cross you any time I want!

Grima: …you have heart, young Fae. But know this. I am the wings of despair, I am the breath of ruin. I am the Fell Dragon, Grima!

Fae: Okay! Good to meet you Mister Grimer!

Grima: Wait- no, that’s Grima.

Grima: And… she’s run off again. Hmph. If I try to catch up with her, I will certainly lose precious time. And energy.

[Grima and Fae have reached support rank B.]

A SUPPORT

Fae: Gosh. I’ve sure done it now. I’m all lost, an’ no one’s around.

Fae: But that’s okay! ‘Slong’s as I gots my dragonstone I’ll be okay!

Grima: Child, get down!

Fae: Huh-?

Grima: There! See that? There was an archer poised to strike. You could have been killed.

Grima: Thankfully I dispatched him for you. He didnt stand a chance against me.

Fae: Golly… you saved my life, Mister Grim!

Grima: That’s Grima, Fae. What’s the matter with you, running off into the forest by yourself? You could have been someone’s next victim.

Fae: I-I’m sorry, Mister Grima. I just wanted to play and lookit the pretty flowers out here.

Grima: Hmph. Fae, you must promise me something here and now. For your safety.

Fae: Oh? What is it, Mister Grima?

Grima: You have to promise not to wander off on your own. If anything were to happen, the Summoner would have been crushed.

Grima: …well, emotionally. I wouldn’t mind to see them crushed physically.

Fae: …then you gotta promise me somethin in return, Mister Grima.

Grima: Hmm. Very well. What can I promise a child like you?

Fae: You haveta promise not to hurt anyone anymore.

Grima: What-? I will not promise such a thing, whelp!

Fae: Then I’m just gonna wander off on my own then and get hurt, is that what you want?

Grima: I… nngh. Fine. I won’t hurt anyone anymore.

Fae:  Promise?

Grima: …I promise.

Fae: Yay! Then follow me, Mister Grima, there was this pretty patch of flowers I wanna show you!

[Grima and Fae have reached support rank A.]

S SUPPORT

Grima: Hehehe. Hahaha! Hahahahaa!! Foolish Mortals! Today your insolence pays for itself! Your puny lives are at their end!! For I, Grima, shall strike you-

Fae: NO!!!

Grima: Wha- Ch- Fae?! Let go of me!!

Fae: No!! You promised!!

Grima: Wh- are those tears in your eyes child? I…

Fae: You promised not to hurt anyone anymore!! You promised me, Grima! I won’t let you break your promise!

Grima: …I… but this is my purpose. Their lives are forfeit to me, Fae. This is what I came to this earth to do.

Fae: Then change it! Change your purpose! You can’t just keep hurting people, my friends and their families who didnt do nothin to you!!

Fae: I know you can be good.

Grima: …I see. You truly have no idea what I am capable of.

Grima: …But. I can tell you will not let go. So, let me make you a new promise.

Grima: In exchange for their lives, all I ask, Fae, is your safety. I shall stay by your side to keep you safe for eternity. And they shall never know pain again.

Fae: You really mean it?

Grima: I made a promise, didn’t I?

Fae: Yep. You did. So let me be your purpose instead of hurting people Grima.

Grima: I accept with open arms.

[Grima and Fae have reached support rank S.]