#but then i learned some stuff about the members actual political views and i just felt gross continuing to listen to them

[finalhaunts]

Anyways ige been trying to listen to a bunch of punk bands to try and expand my music taste and see if I like any of them; also because I have a punk OC and I’d like to maybe make a playlist that’s accurate to her tastes. and like… for some reason i just Cannot get into any of the classic or original bands. Like i can enjoy them if someone put them on at a party but I wouldn’t listen to them regularly. Yknow. None of them scratch the right itch for me. Meanwhile more modern* stuff I can easily get into just fine… And like with music in general it seems like I can only really get into anything from the 90s—present. The only pre-90s punk band i’ve listened to thus far that has actually managed to REALLY make my brain go crazy is The Adicts

* No, by modern I do not mean pop punk.

[tiodolma]

Did Merlin need to tell Morgana that he had magic too?

This question always bugs me. And it is true that I have written some stuff about it.. But it's been a year since I studied Merlin x Morgana dynamics. There's always countless ways to answer it, so many things to consider, so many issues both personal and political that have to be reviewed.

Do we go the pro-Morgana route and immediately say "Yes he should have been helping her in every way that was justified?"

or do we go the Pro-Merlin route and value his self-preservation more than anything else and straight up say "No, he didn't have to, that wasn't his job"?

And at this 1 year checkpoint I want to review myself.

At the very least, Merlin needed political backing for his cause very very badly. He had a job and a life mission, which was to bring freedom to his people using a specific trajectory (arthur). However, At s1-s2 Only Morgana was the nobility in the right position to accept and countercheck his views on magic. It's a risky move, true. He's been told that she was going to go evil and be more dangerous, true. She might revealed him to be the sorcerer way too early, true ...But if Merlin really needed to get a move on in his grand scheme, telling her and working with her was the only practical option to get his movement actually off the ground.

They were already friends. She trusted him more than anyone else. She was the prime person who would have understood. They already were indebted to each other. I mean, what more could you ask for in an ally?

If that means him being exposed to rebels like Alvarr, Tauren, Morgause or Mordred, wouldn't it have been better in the long run? His actions would have been in constant review and scrutiny by actual suffering AND Fighting members of the magic folk. If Merlin was destined to help rule them all then he needed critics, he needed social pressure from the other magicfolk too. Morgana was the right bridge for him, magic and Camelot. She was the best point of diplomacy anyone could have ever had. This would have made Merlin step up to a better diplomat/representative role as the face of his sect too.

I am not saying that he throw caution into the wind and immediately assist the rebels do atrocities, no. But it would have put Merlin in a position of learning and understanding on why rebellion/revolution/arms struggle was the only option left for so many of them, and that simply waiting for Arthur to become king someday will always receive heavy amounts of backlash from other magic sects and important magic people. Merlin needed to understand the reality of his people living on the ground and how it matches with the thing he was fighting for.

To me, ultimately, it's a check-and-balance thing.

Merlin had to be kept in check, just as Morgana had to be kept in check. That's what they should have been for each other. That's why the truth was important and valuable in the series. That's why it was wielded by Merlin as a weapon. That's why Morgana chased after it.

"Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?"

"Who watches the watchmen?"

Yes. Merlin owed Morgana the truth. For the sanity and survival of all and himself, then he should have risked it.

[bts-polls]

hi. i know this blog is just for fun, and i don't want to be a downer, but jk rowling is a terf. she actively does not want trans people to exist. as a trans army, it makes me wildly uncomfortable when people who aren't fans are called 'muggles' or when people Sort the members. again, i know it's all supposed to be fun, but. i don't feel at all safe anymore whenever hp stuff is brought up. i hope you have a good day though <3

Hi anon,

First, before I get into the rest of my response I want to say that I while i can't truly empathize on this specific issue, I do sympathize with not feeling safe due to a marginalization from 'the mainstream'. I do apologize for any part my posts played into this for you and anyone else that may have seen them. I'm going to put the rest of my thoughts on this topic below a cut for anyone that isn't up for a discussion-type post from this blog.

HP was my first real fandom and as someone who was raised in an extremely conservative rural area, I'm unfortunately very familiar with this mindset and viewpoint.

I also had to do a hefty amount of soul-searching when deciding how much of hp-fandom I would continue to engage in. I've never been a merch-focused person (which honestly gave me some heartache getting into kpop..there are legit ppl out there that try to make you feel like a fake fan if you don't spend serious money on this interest... but that's a discussion for another day). Anyway, back to HP, I'm not into merch and I didn't like the movies, (I've still only seen the first two and a handful of clips from some of the others) so I'm personally not contributing anymore to the money channeling in but money isn't the only thing that fuels this massive engine.

Again, I had to have a very frank heart-to-heart with myself to see where I personally feel comfortable continuing to engage. For me, being involved in the Fandom to any degree and even having casual conversations about the themes and meanings was an essential part of learning to be curious enough to see more lifestyles different from the one I was raised in. And my story is not dissimilar from many that I knew in situations similar to mine. So I know that this body of work has actually had cases where it fosters discussions and mindsets for minority groups more than anything else of its time. I really cannot overstate how significant the HP books and fandom were in creating the first space where we were able to even explore the idea of being different from those around us, let alone feeling comfortable or even celebrating it. To us, HP was less about the magic of being able to move items without touching them but more about the magic of finding your own worth when everyone around you said otherwise. This concept takes different forms each generation, for some it's superheroes or musicians; for my generation, it was HP.

Do the unveiled viewpoints of the original creator now undo all of the progress that was triggered by her work? And should we all attempt to bury it as if it never happened? Another point of discussion, especially where I now live in the southern US with many entrenched systems of racial discrimination. (Again, another tangent but we're not here to talk about tearing down ugly statues that don't add any value to the current population).

There's also the literal logistical issue of deciding that I can't engage in anything because I don't agree with the views of the ppl in charge, then there will literally be no viable method to exist. My professional expertise is in systems design, implementation, and maintenance; and let me assure you, the world is legitimately run by people who have despicable beliefs. From entertainment, food manufacturing and distribution, to health care and politics; there are scummy mindsets infecting it all. The biggest lie in our society is that good ppl do good things and bad ppl do bad things. No. People with awful motivations do good things continuously. And the inverse is true as well. There is remarkably little black and white in the world, everything is on a spectrum.

Attempting to cut myself off from ALL of it is not possible, nor do I want to engage with ALL of it. So again, I need to decide where that line is. And it needs to be re-evaluated frequently as both myself and the world around me grows and changes.

But this really comes to my main point of this whole post. I had to do my own personal soul-searching to decide where my own boundary is with this issue. And each person should do so as well. We are all so beautifully different in our life experiences and thoughts and mindset. I would NEVER want to claim my personal boundary on any issue should be upheld for ANYONE else. That's where we must empower ourselves to understand our own sovereignty. I have complete control of how I choose to respond to a push of my boundary but not to dictate that others must place their own boundaries.

This is where we are right now. I recognize that my past actions have induced some harm, intentional or not. Again, I apologize for that. I've shared a few reasons why we have different viewpoints and may continue to create similar polls in the future. So, to move forward, I will be more diligent in tagging any polls so that anyone trying to avoid such content may do so. You will have to decide if that is sufficient for you or if you will need to also disengage here.

Whatever you choose, I do wish you the absolute best and thankyou for bringing this lapse to my attention. Like you said, this is intended to be a fun place where we can vote in meaningless tumblr polls about a group of guys in Korea that make music. I would never want to compromise someone's peace with something so trivial but I am just another stranger on the internet. The one thing I can do is try to give you the tools so that you can make informed decisions about what type of content you may encounter in my space.

I'm not looking to turn this blog into a discussion one, so if anyone wants/needs to chat further, please reach out in DMs or through my main blog @curio-queries . This blog will continue to focus on BTS polls.

BORAHAE 💜

[navree]

hey about the targaryen agrippa i would totally read a fanfic, i love your rants so if you post like 4, 10 or even 20 i totally support you :)

targaryen agrippa i like the details: -extremely humble origins like farmer or shepherd -big family -martial, loyal -Doesn't like the brother-sister incest of the dragonlords because he isn't one of them, i imagine him giving a bombastic side eye

what would be his nickname is he doesn't like using his family name? or how the actual nobles would view him?

i just think your idea is incredibly creative 💕

This is so nice, thank you so much!

Honestly, I think he might just go with a shortening of his name, rather than potentially using a cognomen sort of thing like the historical Agrippa. Naming conventions are tough because we really don't know anything about the dragonlords or even Valyrian naming as a whole. The only named dragonlords are a man named Aurion, Jaenara Belaerys, and of course, House Targaryen. So we know that the fondness for "ae" is a Valyrian wide trait, and that the names can be long, so it's entirely possible that people tended to shorten their names like Daenerys into Dany or any of the Aegons into Egg. Or, I might end up aping the 'nomen praenomen cognomen' conventions, since it was something that was pretty different from the rest of the world in Roman times, and might serve the story in terms of the permanent rise of Valyria as the premiere power in Essos after the full defeat of the Ghiscari and the subjugation of all other areas. In that case, I'd imagine it being some sort of Valyrian word to describe a prominent trait of his.

As for how the nobles view him, at first they don't. He's just some kid who's accompanying around another kid whose main claim to fame is that their uncle things the sun rises and sets on them, and they're all busy with their blood magic and their orgies to focus much on it, and even by the time Valyrian Octavian starts getting attention, the focus is more on them as an actual member of a dragonlord family with a direct line to someone very powerful, not their friend. Once he gets a bit of military experience under his belt and proves himself both an able soldier and a sound tactical mind, most of them are thinking stuff along the lines of "ah a good kid", but not much beyond that. It's only when the political situation starts going as sideways as it does, and suddenly there's a teenager with armies loyal to them personally being commanded by that other teenager they already know is a good soldier and is showing himself to be supremely gifted in all things combat to the point of being unmatched by anyone, dragon or no dragon.

By adulthood, opinion amongst noble families would be pretty mixed. On the one hand, this is an interloper learning sacred secrets about dragons, being brought into their midst and raised high despite being lowborn. But on the other hand, this is someone instrumental in ending the Ghiscari wars and making Valyria the main power in the world, someone who has helped shape all military matters into something great that grants the dragonlords more wealth and power, and is also the beloved best friend of the most powerful person in society who will have already shown zero compunction in retaliating harshly against anyone who acts against someone they care about (I encourage everyone who might not know about just how deep historical Octavian's vengeful streak goes to read about the Perusine War, man was so angry he engaged in literal human sacrifice as an outlet and this wasn't even about Caesar's murder). And there's also a bit of push-pull on the fact that he views things like the relationship with dragons different than the nobles do, and isn't partaking in the inbreeding himself, both for the purpose of cementing a dynasty (it's better for him to become a dragonlord himself and then take a wife from a dragonlord family in order to really entrench himself and his descendants among their ranks) and also because, well, love a good story about someone so entirely devoted to another person even if they're not together that it fucks up their ability to be involved with anyone else.

Again, glad you like it, this is the problem with constantly being on flights with nothing but a lot of books about the late Republic and biographies, I get a lot of thoughts and I have chronic blabber mouth disease.

[phantom-of-the-north]

Info post about Swedish discussion forum Flashback. Part 1

I wanted to provide some information about Flashback Forum, a part of Swedish internet culture and a discussion forum that is seemingly unprecedented in the rest of the world. This is probably too niche for someone on here to care about, but I thought it would be nice to make information about Flashback available in English.

I've become interested in the forum after I started listening to the humor podcast Flashback Forever three years ago. The podcast is hosted by three women, Ina Lundström, Emma Knyckare and Scroll-Mia (real name: Mia Gruffman-Cruse) and every week they go through some of Flashback's teeming threads and discuss various findings. It's given me a more nuanced picture of the forum and I've come to appreciate it more and more. Growing up I was basically taught that Flashback was an awful place that you should keep away from at all costs. I learned that it's full of racist, misogynistic, homophobic and overall unpleasant people. Which isn't far from the truth I guess. Right-wing extreme opinions are over-represented on Flashback and the majority of the userbase are men aged 26-35. The term Dödsknarkarnazister (stoner nazis) is often used on the site to ironically describe the average Flashback user.

I think, in part, the reason the userbase looks the way it does has to do with this: in a "politically correct" country like Sweden, people with views that would be considered bigoted would be alienated if they expressed these views out loud, so they take refuge in Flashback where they can voice their thoughts without having to worry about societal acceptance.

That being said, Flashback is politically independent. All opinions are welcome there. There's just a high prevalence of xenophobia, misogyny etc because those views can't be voiced anywhere without retaliation, except on Flashback.

Anyways, I think Flashback Forever has helped normalize the public's perception of the forum which I think is positive. Instead of being horrified by the things that people write on there, you can laugh at it. Because the stuff people write there is often ridiculous. However, there are a lot of truly interesting discussions on the forum and some of the users are actually sane and reasonable lol.

I do think traditional media in Sweden gives Flashback an unnecessarily bad reputation. One thing though; you should definitely keep children away from it because there's a lot of information about drugs, weapons and prostitution. But if you delve into it as an adult, Flashback is a pretty fascinating place full of advice, life experience and fun topics. It's a truly unique platform.

So, here's my translation of the text Bakgrund (background) on the page Om Flashback (about Flashback) to give you an idea of it's values:

"In 1776 Sweden was the first country in the world to impose freedom of the press through then existing Tryckfrihetsförordningen. This gave every citizen a statutory right to, among other things, freely render one's opinions without censorship.

Flashback has existed as a newspaper since 1983, and on the internet since 1995. The discussion forum Flashback Forum was launched in 2000. A platform that rests upon a nonconformist value-system; and where the members have the possibility to be anonymous. It is socially acceptable to breach consensus on Flashback, and even those with deviant opinions are welcome in the dialogue.

Freedom of speech is important. Flashback has a long history of defending the free word and it aims to pass on the Swedish tradition of freedom of speech. To actively defend the freedom of opinion and speech, even when it comes to those who wish to abolish or restrict said rights. In the long term, Flashback believes this acting will contribute to a decreased polarisation in society, and an increased understanding of those with opposite views."

Adding to this; the founder of Flashback is a man named Jan Axelsson. I'm not gonna go into detail about Jan as not much is known about him as a person, but freedom of speech seems to have been his passion since he was 14 years old and his intentions with Flashback has been to stimulate the intellectual debate and involve all types of opinions, including distasteful and taboo subjects, that traditional media would otherwize exclude. He believes that freedom of speech is a prerequisite for a literate population.

Here’s a photo of Jan, taken from this article.

The photo caption in the article reads: Jan Axelsson in Stockholm 1999, before he went underground. Photo: Anna Littorin

Yeah so, Axelsson lives under a protected identity, probably because he gets a lot of threats for being the person who founded Flashback.

Because of Flashback's almost complete freedom of speech it's seen as a controversial site and some people have wanted to shut it down. This has happened twice, in 2003 at the latest. During September that year, a sentence in Marknadsdomstolen (the Market Court) forced the forum-part of Flashback to shut down. The TV companies ComHem, Senda and Viasat had found advertisements for piratkort (equipment used for piracy decryption of cable TV) on Flashback's website for advertisements, Popmart.se. The companies demanded that Jan Axelsson censor posts on Flashback, something that would've been pretty much impossible if Flashback were to continue as a discussion forum. After the trial, Axelsson had to pay the trial costs of 250 000 SEK and was threatened with a penalty of 400 000 SEK if advertisements continued to show up on Flashback.

But by moving the operation of Flashback to Great Britain and running the forum through a new domain, flashback.info, the forum could continue, because it no longer had a connection to Axelsson's company Flashback Media Group. As long as Axelsson doesn't publicly represent the forum, the penalty threat is out of sight. In 2010 the domain moved to New York but since 2021 the forum is once again owned by Flashback Media Group and the domain is now flashback.org, which Flashback's admin announced in this thread. The reason why Flashback's domain could move back to Sweden is because the Market Court doesn't exist anymore - it's been replaced by Patent- och marknadsdomstolen, the Patent and Market Court, and thus the sentence from 2003 doesn't apply to Flashback Forum anymore.

Okay, I think that will do it for this first info post, a little insight into Flashback!

[kdjdhdhebx]

WHY????????????????

idk at some point it started with some confusion about not knowing what to think and also i really love people and attention so i would do anything for people validation. but then i kinda also didn't want to filter my friendships liek i had tried to around 15 16 based on that bc i started realising that it happens even if i oppose it, it's supposed to be this way and it's better this way cause like i have parents who support bjp even tho i will murder modi if i can? i have uncle and aunties and family members and neighbours i love but can never make understand about a lot of political issues and will always disagree with. no good humans or bad humans just humans with various experiences and we are all dumb. so why would i filter my friends. it's fine, we all learn and grow... i like it better this way. and i genuinely dont mind i see all points of views, even the ones yall somehwow act like can't be justified. no matter how bad it is it's human and i think we can all find it in ourselves to feel it. yall laugh and say u get murderers all the time, just because a couple people on tumblr said it too u think that's somehow ok but getting racism is somehow extremely inhumane? dont make sense to me. doesn't make any of it right but i get it. i can talk to u ab it. maybe learn and make u learn. if u hurt others actively it's bad i won't respect u that much wont be able to get close to u but doesnt mean i cant talk to u bond over other things idk. lot of times u bond over people u fundamentally disagree withs oemtimes bc u just dont come across so many thing until later. it's the nature of life it's fine. yeah i mostly agree with everything with my best friend, i think it plays major role in why we are close, but liek ngl now that i thinka b it she is mostly an apolitical person even tho my personality is all made around my political opinions and a few years back i always said i hated apolitical people... btu yeah when we talk she tends to agree with most of what i have to say. i dont think i would be able to have my closest friendships with like a super misogyniystic racist guy the way i am friends with my best friends i have rn, cause i think we wont have much to bond over yeah but idk i have some friends i love very much i strongly disagree with but it works somehow i think it's mostly cause they are willing to listen and we all share this 1 attitude of love even if we are all strongly opinionated and stuff i think m actually loosing my friendships with some of my high school friends even tho we agree on everything bc they have that whole i cant forgive u if u dont strongly think and argue everyone who disagrees about this 1 specific issue that actually has a shit ton of nuance fr

[brilliantfantasticgeronimo]

like, i agree with the main principle that they need to hire writers from other backgrounds. for sure. no arguments. i also agree in general, said so in my own post, that this episode is more of a "learning experience for white people" anti-racism story than a "catharsis for black people in the struggle" story. but there's an undercurrent in these criticism for the episode that i don't agree with, being that "white writers should never touch the subject of anti-racism because they could never understand it" (or conversely, "men should never write about feminism because they could never understand it") and like, tbh that's just not a premise i agree with. politically or artistically. being from a specific background doesn't actually guarantee that you understand your struggles or that you have the best ideas for liberation out there (if it were, rishi sunak and suella braverman wouldn't be in the positions they are, doing the things they do). and in dw itself, like, "hiring writers of color" doens't mean the episode will automatically be great. for example, i appreciate that rosa exists, but there's a lot of moments in rosa that diminish the episode for me and held me back from embracing it as truly anti-hegemonic, truly anti-racist piece of art. like for all the work it does in showing viewers the reality of segregation and showing the catharsis / admirability of people fighting it, it takes 10 steps backwards saying obama's election was "a victory" for anti-racism (ah yes the anti-racism of bombing yemen, syria, somalia, iraq....) + having rosa be congratulated in the bloody white house as "a symbol of her victory" or having a satellite named after her as the "end goal" of her work (ie. all symbols that just stand in for white "tolerance" rather than actual black liberation). conversely, if the person writing has a good grip on the issue, even if it's alien to them, yeah,,, i do think they can portray it well. and that they *should* try, because something genuinely interesting / pertinent may come from the exercise. and like, from my pov, living where i do, having unfortunately witnessed and lived thru racism......... yeah? the racists in dot and bubble and the doctor's reaction to them are pretty realistic to me (shrugs))? people criticism them as "caricatures" and ... i don't see it, honestly? like rich people really are Like That. racist are exactly like that. like i can agree with the crit for example that having ricky or a character like ricky at the end, saying the same stuff as lindy and co, would have driven the point home better (of "if you live in a society founded on racism, you will inherit racist views even if you're a "good" person most of the time"), but like, overall i do think the "cartoonism" or bluntness of the finetime's awfulness was a strong writing choice. i do think rtd make the right call there, and even if he's white, he got a good grip on how a black man like the doctor would react (like, pretty realistic to how irl black medical doctors speak about their experiences, for example). also lbr, some audience members are so dense about this (even a lot of people on /r/gallifrey said they *didn't* understand what the problem was in the end! ) and like... i don't think this should be that controversial? that's the magic of writing. that if you take the time to listen, learn and observe, you can write experiences other than your own pretty competently. anyway, back to the initial common ground, would a black writer have given them more specificity? most likely.do need to bring more of them (and if anything else, as good as the 3 boys in boys club are, it does get a little tiring to have only 3 voices in the choice for the last 5 years)? absolutely. but i dont think that means that rtd shouldnt have written this episode, or that him being white diminished how much of what the text actually says. and i think it would be a lot more productive to try to understand it on its own merits rather than defaulting to a kind of "locus theory essentialism" in media analysis.

i'm still baffled that an episode about racism had absolutely zero writers of colour. like what the fuck

[olderthannetfic]

I mean there are issues within m/m fanfiction, the problem is the arguments we see take things to the extreme. Either there's no issues and it's just women exploring their sexuality and how dare you mock the things women like! OR It's homophobic how dare straight women fetishize gay men! When in reality there are tropes and trends that do lean more towards homophobia or heteronormativity but there's no space for us (slash fans) to call that out without having to defend against the extremes.

--

This is so hilariously moderate that I think everyone would agree with it if they take it at surface value and don't read into your words.

Anyone who is a veteran of decades of fannish debate will read into your words.

The basic issue is that the conversation people typically want to have about things that are homophobic or heteronormative is pretty 101. They're coming to this fresh with great earnestness, but to someone like me, it's just going to sound like sealioning because we've had these same arguments in slash fandom and in queer communities going back decades.

For example, here are the standard Not Queer Enough bad things that make us just like the breeders according to 80s/90s queer community wank:

marriage

raising children

monogamy

roles of any kind including butch/femme

99% of A/B/O Is Just Het Tho or BL Is Bad Because Ukes wank sounds like all of this over again.

And then there's the eternal fight about whether Pride is for kink and adults and free expression of sexuality or whether it's for corporations and kids in strollers. Conform and kick your less acceptable members to the curb as a political strategy to get rights or be inclusive punk rebels but make fewer strides in legislation? It's a legitimate and eternal struggle in minority groups.

The obsession with Good Representation™ is part of this. So is not liking stuff that overlaps your group with kink and socially unacceptable sexual fantasies. In other words...

RESPECTABILITY POLITICS

.

If somebody sends me an example of a specific fic or trend they think sucks, I'll keep an open mind...

But I can tell you I have yet to hear an argument about any actual fic on AO3 that made me agree it was homophobic or heteronormative rather than just standard porn bullshit that the lizard brain loves.

People are always wringing their hands about shit that is super common in romance novels and erotica and live action pornos alike because audiences love it.

So for example, I really hope nobody expects me to take seriously an argument about m/m fanfic being bad for any of:

penetration = real sex, all other sex = foreplay

virginity is real and matters

ravishment

biology works how is hot and/or convenient to the plot

everyone has a giant dick

safe sex is boring and we're going to pretend STDs don't exist

everyone is a giant nympho slut

everyone is unrealistically monogamous

dick so good it converted someone

kink with zero negotiation first

zero realistic psychological consequences for anything

etc.

Someone's going to go, "Okay, okay, not literally always, but you have to agree that sometimes this trope is bad. Or it's bad that it's like 99% of fics."

No.

No I don't.

At zero times do I agree that it's a problem all porn does the dumb penetration=real sex thing. Yes, it's dumb. Yes, it's unrealistic. It's there because it's hot. If you find it un-hot, write something else.

I'm totally down to have a conversation about which trends are stupid or boring, but homophobic? Heteronormative? LOL.

Fundamentally, every single conversation about problems in m/m fanfic on AO3 starts from the assumption that fic should be looked at from a reader's perspective. This is the reader's whole media diet. They learn queerness from fic. They learn sex ed and biology from fic. They don't have access to other queer media. They're learning the wrong messages. Blah blah blah.

I look at fic as more like someone's porn (or the emotions equivalent) they wrote for themselves in their diary and were nice enough to let others see as a favor. Sure, occasionally, I think "Wow, author, I am so sorry for you that you view bodies and sex this way", but even then, how do I know it's not just that they're a bad writer? The only thing I'm learning from their fic is that some very weird stuff makes me horny. If I have trouble putting that fic in a wider context of realistic queerness or non-fanfic erotica or whatever else, that's my problem, not the writer's.

The only "problem" with m/m fanfiction on AO3 is that I cannot find any first time sex pollen RM/JK A/B/O where they're both alphas and JK is on the bottom and RM feels comedic levels of melodramatic guilt over it while JK's entire internal monologue is just the word "thighs" over and over and over.

[markantonys]

diving into lord of chaos! the 3 terms i know from this book going in are The Box, dumai’s wells, and asha’man kill. what do they mean? i don’t know, but i know they’re iconic (and traumatic) and i will be keeping an eye out for them

the similar names are starting to get out of hand. took me a solid paragraph to remember demandred was a forsaken and not some cairhienin (since a lot of cairhienin names have the -dred ending). and every time i see “mazrim taim” i feel like mat and tam al’thor are making up fake names to get free trials of stuff

our first glimpse of shayol ghul and the dark one! very exciting. does the dark one have a corporeal form or is he just like a spirit entity? a deity of sorts? how will rand be able to battle and defeat him? (all rhetorical questions ofc)

i wonder if shayol ghul will exist at all in the show since they’ve changed the dark one’s prison to the eye of the world. now that i’m thinking about it i think that was a great decision bc a) shayol ghul feels like a lotr knockoff whereas the eye and the blight are more distinct and memorable b) what even is the point of the eye in the books? does it ever come up again after the first one? why did moiraine even need to take the kids there in the first place (i’m sure this was explained at the time but i completely forget)? why is there just a pool of untainted saidin chilling there? how is that possible? how can saidin be matter, i thought it was just some intangible force? why doesn’t rand think about going back to the eye to try and use this untainted saidin? all this to say that the show’s version of “the eye is the dark one’s prison and moiraine has to take the kids there to defeat him” is much more clear-cut. and c) older hardened rand going to the eye to battle the dark one in the series finale the same way little baby rand did in the s1 finale will be a beautiful full circle moment and WILL make me cry my eyes out

is it just me or is the aes sedai not letting elayne go to caemlyn very uhhhhh stupid? i understand they want her to finish her training but, political powerhouses as they supposedly are, you would think they’d realize that a huge country being in turmoil because they have no ruler MIGHT cause problems. “if rand has you and caemlyn he has andor” so you think the solution is to keep elayne away and let him have caemlyn all to himself? how is that not worse?

if elayne can make ter’angreal now, i think she should make a matching set of Fuck Hut-esque ter’angreals for all members of the polycule so that they can long-distance date more effectively

"min’s laugh had a huskiness to it; elayne supposed many men would find that attractive. and she was pretty, in a mischievous sort of way.” i swear to god elayne is the most bisexual straight character i’ve ever encountered. i can’t wait for the show to make bi elayne canon

“if [rand] learns about the viewing he might decide it isn’t what we want, only the pattern, or his being ta’veren. he could decide to be noble and save us by not letting either of us near him” elayne says, and she is bang on, but min replies “more likely, if he realizes we’ll both come running when he crooks a finger, he’ll crook it. he won’t be able to help himself.” doing rand a huge disservice and proving that elayne knows him WAY better than she does

“you and i will divide him up like a pie. maybe we’ll let the third have a bit of crust when she shows up.” ugh. min you are losing my esteem left right and center. i absolutely loved her the first 4 books, things took an abrupt nosedive in book 5, and book 6 is not off to a promising start. some of you guys have assured me that min/rand will get much better once they actually have screentime together (though others have said that it remained their least fav rand ship throughout), which i hope is the case bc at the current moment there’s a long ways to go before i will ship it. at this point i’m advocating for mat straight up taking her spot in the polycule rather than being added as a fifth jkdjfg

very fitting that the next scene opens with faile saying “a man is not a horse or a field, neither of you can own him” i do feel like she ought to take her own advice there lmfao but i’m glad to see her again!!! despite how much the tsr relationship drama pissed me off, i actually really love faile? i think that’s an unpopular opinion, but I Just Think She’s Neat

so it seems it’s perrin’s turn to experience the homoerotic ta’veren pull! very interesting how faile thinks about “sharing” perrin with rand with similar language as elayne and min do about sharing rand romantically with each other. if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my fellow ta’veren to whom fate has inexorably linked me

tangent but i’m realizing that mat’s struggle with his fate-pull to rand is so fucking SIMILAR to min’s and aviendha’s. good GOD just put him in the polycule!

“why did the dragon reborn need perrin now, so strongly that perrin could feel it across however many hundred leagues lay between them?” fellas is it gay to need your buddy so strongly that he can feel it from hundreds of leagues away

i know we hate gawyn, but him thinking about swearing an oath to give his life for elayne’s when he was “barely tall enough to peer into elayne’s cradle” 🥺🥺 that got to me okay? and i can’t blame him for believing the rumors that rand killed morgase and elayne and now wanting to kill rand for it. “gawyn had chosen to stay because his mother had always supported the tower, because his sister wanted to be aes sedai” that was an aha! moment for me where i felt that i understood gawyn’s decision in the coup much better - he has no reason to disbelieve the charges against siuan (esp since he was already suspicious of her for concealing elayne’s whereabouts) and he truly thought that supporting elaida (who was his mother’s advisor for most of his life) meant supporting the tower, and therefore his mom and sister. i still have no strong opinion about gawyn either way, time will tell whether i join the ranks of gawyn haters or end up taking him under my wing as a problematic fav

sevanna mentions a small cube that a wetlander gave to her with instructions of what to do with it once she had rand. mesaana mentions something called a “stasis box.” could one or both of these things be THE box????

i am 65% sure osan’gar is ishamael brought back to life (we know he’s a male forsaken but not rahvin, and i don’t think any of the other dead ones are important enough to make a comeback), but i wonder who aran’gar could be

“stripped to the waist...sweat slicked his hair to his skull, rolled down his chest...figures like that on the white banner overhead twined around his forearms, glittering metallically red-and-gold” god bless, we continue our tradition of a sexy description of rand to kick off the book (post-prologue). i vividly remember tfoh opening with a sexy description of him lounging by a window in rhuidean, and i believe tgh began with him shirtlessly sparring with lan

“sometimes he was so sick of himself that he really was ready to die” 😭😭😭😭😭

“rand said nothing; mat’s secrets were his own” protective boyfriend! “he supposed mat had to have read a book sometime, somewhere, but mat did not have much interest in books” exasperated boyfriend!

bashere is so chill i love him. how he has a daughter who is Like That i have no idea. i hope we get to see him and faile interact sometime.

“he would welcome more men who could channel walking the earth unmolested. finally he would stop being a freak.” 😭😭😭😭 man that just shattered my heart. sometimes it really hits that rand is only a deeply lonely 20-year-old trying his best. also, rand’s channeling abilities as metaphor for queerness example #372456

“i’m going to build something, leave something behind. whatever happens, i will do that! i’ll defeat the dark one. and cleanse saidin, so men don’t have to fear going mad, and the world doesn’t have to fear men channeling” just copy in all my commentary from the previous bullet point, crying emojis included

lots of mentions of rand’s luck, and taim even says he has the dark one’s own luck. which as we know is a mat thing! leave me to grasp at what cauthor straws i can, ok? now that i mention it, i’m 90% sure that the very first instance of “time to toss the dice” was actually rand, when he was trying to take them all thru the portal stone in tgh

lews therin when rand yells at him to shut up: surprised pikachu.jpg. interesting that he may be an actual conscious (?) voice that rand can talk to, rather than just memories etc. but does this mean that lews therin will never truly get to rest in peace, if some part of him is still alive thru rand? that’s so sad :(

i feel that entrusting all these male channelers to the tutelage of some powerful and dangerous guy who just showed up who rand is getting bad vibes from right off the bat may not be the smartest idea, but poor rand is so overworked, he really doesn’t have many other options

“to the maidens, rand was all those children come back, the first child of a maiden ever to be known to everyone”

okay okay okay i’m fine moving on

“he had to stay away from [aviendha]. he carried death with him like a contagious disease; he was like a target, and people died near him” see? elayne was bang on

rand absolutely owning the maidens by telling a joke so bad even i can’t work out the punchline. i love him.

“tolmeran’s doubts centered on mat. despite what he had heard from cairhienin of mat’s skill in battle, tolmeran thought it flattery from fools for a country man who happened to be a friend of the dragon reborn” i just KNOW there are rumors that mat only got his job because he’s sleeping with rand, i just know it

“they were honest objections, and semaradrid’s even had validity” so rand thinks that tolmeran’s objections about mat are NOT valid. supportive boyfriend!

the maidens giving rand advice for how to get aviendha’s attention i’m crying they are his big sisters and moms!!! i love them!!!!

had to post this passage in full bc i’m hollering. i rest my case about there being rumors that mat is sleeping with rand. he is so anxious about anyone finding out rand teleported to his room for a pre-dawn bootycall (which, come on, rand, you can’t just teleport directly into someone’s room in the middle of the night, mat would’ve been well within his rights to stab you)

“how do you know you’re in love with a woman, mat?” “how in the pit of doom should i know?” mat has no time for your heteronormative assumptions rand

i feel like rand didn’t even need mat’s input on anything, he just came bc he wanted to talk to him 🥺 usually rand keeps his problems close to his chest, but he’s venting pretty freely to mat rn

rand saying “no man should have another man’s voice in his head” about his own problems and mat thinking he’s talking about HIS problems AAAAAAHHHH JUST FUCKIN TALK TO EACH OTHER YOU IDIOTS!!! YOU HAVE (SOME OF) THE SAME PROBLEMS!!! GIVE EACH OTHER THERAPY!!!!! GODDAMMIT

mat has adopted a child!! he really went “i’ve only had olver for a second and a half but if anything happens to him i’ll kill everyone in this town and then myself.” he is such a dad!!!! him kneeling down to talk to olver instead of talking about him over his head to another adult because he used to hate when adults did that to him 🥺🥺🥺 this will be all the more touching in the show with Dad Mat already established by his devotion to his sisters

i am so sooooo curious about the lands beyond the aiel waste and wonder if we’ll ever see more of them

[shihalyfie]

Hello! Since you seem to be getting a lot of character comparison asks, I figured I’d ask if you have any thoughts on the similarities and differences between Ken and Koichi, and also their relationship with darkness? At first glance they seem very similar but I feel the way they view darkness- and perhaps the darker parts of themselves- differs quite a bit.

The two of them definitely have similar base profiles at first, but start to really veer off in different directions after that!

I think the one thing that's most different between the two is that, quite simply, their "base personalities" -- that is, how they act in normal situations separated from all the stuff going on with Digimon fighting -- are actually fairly different to begin with. One thing that might surprise people is that Kouichi actually uses the more assertive/aggressive pronoun ore, contrary to what his supposedly “shy” personality might suggest (of the Frontier boys, only Tomoki uses the more polite boku, and I think it’s in line with Frontier generally portraying its kids as less naturally well-behaved and a bit more misfit). Kouichi’s “shyness” in Frontier is really implied to just be out of the circumstances of him being a bit awkward around the kids he’d been fighting for a period, and especially not sure how to approach Kouji, but Things I Want to Tell You implies that he’d actually had a full-on social friend circle (mentioning friends at school and playing soccer). The only part that made him “out of place” like the other Frontier kids was really the part right before the series, when he learned he’d had a brother, had to question what that implied, started fostering feelings of jealousy towards him, and ended up “passed over” for being chosen instead of how Kouji was, but for the most part his personality doesn’t seem to be that fundamentally different from Kouji’s (there's a point made in a scene in Frontier episode 40 where the twins are looking at Takuya with nearly the exact same expression).

Ken, on the other hand, does use the polite pronoun boku, and although he’s still a fairly casual person (his speech pattern is slightly more casual than Takeru’s), he is kind of...a polite nerd, for lack of a better way to put it. That penchant for intellectuality wasn’t entirely the Dark Seed’s doing -- he’s gone on infamous “trivial fact” spiels like about the origin of Christmas or Japanese hot springs. In contrast to the more easygoing Daisuke, he takes things really seriously, and one could describe him as “so overly serious about things he sometimes rolls into stupid”. He’s also rather tidy (he puts his chopsticks neatly on the bowl when eating, his Digital World outfit is his school uniform, he’s constantly tucking in both his summer and winter blouses, and even his Kizuna outfits are slightly formal), and because he does seem to carry himself softly, he has a stronger image of being a “nice and polite person” who doesn’t act roughly by default. Less so because he can’t be rough or aggressive, but more because he doesn’t want to be -- you can think of him as basically holding back his cards until the time is right or stronger force is called for (meaning he can seem mild-mannered, until he suddenly drops some sassy zingers right when you least expect it).

There are some similarities that go beyond their base profiles; it’s interesting how “jealousy” seems to be part of both of their initial motivations (and, in an interesting meta twist, one of the original ideas for Ken and Osamu was for them to be twins). However, as you said, they have a somewhat differing attitude in terms of what “darkness” is, and a lot of it has to do with a combination of what that even means in Adventure/02′s narrative versus Frontier’s, and what that meant to each of them personally. Ken had an outright self-inflicted identity crisis and an awareness that his fall came from his own personal vices, and the issue is casted in Adventure/02 as a problem of “balance”; Ken himself understands in 02 episode 23 that he has to accept everything in himself, and Takeru reminds him in 02 episode 37 that you can’t eradicate it entirely, but Ken of course retains an aversion to contexts where they’re obviously too much in excess. Kouichi, on the other hand, was probably not going to have a complete emotional meltdown to that degree had it not been for Cherubimon’s interference (although he still wasn’t necessarily having a great time), so being free from that influence means that, with his head cleared, he’s able to confidently deny going back there again and have faith in his ability to use it for good, especially because the part keeping it balanced -- his brother Kouji, as the light -- is able to be there and fight alongside him. His problem was addressed by learning to work alongside and get to know said brother, instead of living in jealousy of him.

It’s also interesting to see how their future plans end up going, since we now have “distant future” canon material for both 02 and Frontier; Ken had “expectations” put on him to the point it practically ripped him apart and gave him an outright identity crisis, so his future involves him allowing himself to not have to live to expectations nearly as much; by the time of Kizuna, he’s still dabbling in soccer and various hobbies and being chaotic with his friends, his “psychology” degree is not even mentioned anywhere except in his official profiles because of how much it’s a comparative non-issue in his life at the moment, and while he’s certainly still selfless, he’s still at the point where being able to just enjoy life as it is at all is a big deal. Even if he hasn’t found a goal in life to completely commit to yet, at the very least, he has the other members of the 02 group to support him, and it’s still important that he’s dedicating his efforts to supporting them in turn. Kouichi, on the other hand, didn’t have to worry about that kind of identity crisis, but he did have to worry about seeing his mother’s selfless streak meaning she was constantly ruining her health for others -- so, having taken on some of that selflessness, he’s decided to single-mindedly pursue a dream of going to medical school to help his mother. Keep in mind that he arguably has an even higher hurdle than our other single-minded prospective doctor, Kido Jou, because unlike the Kido family’s existing esteemed line, Kouichi’s not-exactly-well-to-do background means he’d had to scrounge up funds by being a paper boy while he was at it -- so that’s a pretty big uphill battle he’s taking, but he’s doing it because he knows that’s what he wants, and he also has his brother properly keeping up with him, and in touch with both him and his family situation.

[the-great-gullon-incident]

It’s a middle grade book series following a telepathic girl named Sophie who learns she’s an elf and is thrust into a dystopian world desperately trying to convince itself it’s a utopia as she tries to solve the hidden conspiracies as apart of a rebellion group while fighting off a different rebellion group.

I would normally suggest searching through the tag to absorb some of the plot and character details through osmosis but we as a fandom play pretty fast and loose with cannon and can have some vastly different views on certain subjects. Checking out the kotlc wiki synopsis of the different books will probably give you at least a decent idea of the finer details and whether or not you’d want to invest in actually reading the books.

The first book is pretty simple and covers Sophie’s first yearish in the Elvin world. Books 2-6 are largely mystery focused action/adventure novels really exploring the world and its politics. Books 7-9 are a bit more relationship focused and the plot can start to feel like it’s waning(I haven’t reread these books in a hot second so I might be wrong). There is a book 8.5 which is necessary reading since it’s basically like a prologue to book 9.

There’s a very large cast that I can’t get into in a single post but if you’re determined enough to look for it pretty much everyone has some level of depth to them. But some major supporting characters heavily simplified are:

Keefe Sencen: Slowly became the secondary protagonist as the series has gone up. A large part of the fandoms favorite boy. A snarky trickster personality hiding a traumatized boy.

Fitz Vacker: Sophie’s had a crush on him since day one. Outside of tumblr most of the fandom hates him because of stuff he does much later in the series(you can come to your own conclusions on whether this hate is deserved). A golden middle child with deep seated brother issues past a certain point.

Dex Diznee: The tech guy™️ who’s supposedly Sophie’s best friend despite the waning page time throughout the series. He’s generally loved throughout the fandom. Snarky best friend who can sometimes get mischaracterized as a cinnamon roll.

Biana Vacker: The author’s favorite tool in scene continuation. The fandom generally likes her but they often forget her in favor of the rest of her family or just other members of the friend group. Will suplex the villains while wearing sparkly pink dresses and heels.

It’s a fun book series in my experience that while not perfect has plenty of merit and is a series I would recommend to anyone who seems interested and is willing to put in the effort to read all the books and think about them with some level of media literacy. (These aren’t a turn of your brain kind of books.

hi

uhm u don't seem so busy (ik u're busy irl)

nd i rlly wanna know abt the kotlc stuff

can u explain? i'm afraid i would understand shit if i go on the web

i think it would make u happy? u seem sad :( i think i wanna change that

"the kotlc stuff"

my friend I have been hyperfixating on kotlc since seventh grade, if there's a central ish character there's a 75% chance I've had at least a very brief obsession with them, chances even more if they're a Vacker. Do you know kotlc at all? Because I can tell you lots :D or you can read it too that's cool

also yes it would make me very happy I love kotlc but it would also make me a little anxious but not because of you because what if I accidentally misinterpret something oh no or people (gasp) disagree with me

yep yep yep I'm Normal

[alreadyblondenow]

Mark, this is how we broke up

idol!Mark Lee x reader // SMUT, FLUFF, ANGST (?) Summary: She taught him how to fuck but there’s so much more going on in their relationship. Word Count: 6k Warnings: Sex, Sex, Sex, actual sex and mentions of sex, filthy, mentions of rough sex, mentions of forced sex, emotionally unstable Mark, slightly addicted to sex, Mentions of other idols, mentions of birth control side effects, mentions of pregnancy, unprotected sex and protected sex, cursing, mature or at least trying to be Note: inspired by the recent breakup that I had. There’s no way that this ‘might’ be true. We all know Mark is a nice boy. If you’re not okay with any of the warning please click away.

“Ohh- Mark! Right there!”

“Right here? Hmm?” Mark puts more pressure on her clit and eventually pinches it to make her sensitive. Her legs closed and she received a juicy smack on her ass, “Why are you closing your legs? Don’t you like what I’m doing, huh?” his mouth is near her ear, every heavy breath, groan or moan from him goes directly to her ear and straight to her pussy.

With all the energy she still have, she praises Mark while he continues to fuck her senseless. Both of his hands are on the side of her head, having a full view of Mark’s ethereal visuals. Blonde sex hair flowing as he moves back and forth, his thin silver necklace dangling on his neck, his face completely contorted as he fucks her good.

Mark leans on her to suck on her boobs putting her completely on edge and is about to have a great orgasm. Mouth formed an ‘o’ shape, her hands raking Mark’s arms as she ask him to “please stop” but Mark will only stop when he wants to. Because of her high pitch moan and sharp exhales, Mark knew she had a great orgasm which feeds his pride more.

Gritting his teeth, he lifted his hips and gave her sharp quick thrusts while she’s still sensitive from her previous orgasms. “Hold on just a bit, I’m almost there” he whispers. He fucks the girl like he’s proving something, catching his own release and making the girl beneath him cry from over stimulation. He groaned a little too loud, but he doesn’t care. It’s his own damn apartment.

Removing his cock inside her throbbing hole, Mark rolls to the side and discarded the condom, throwing it to the trash near his bed. He watches the girl shiver beside him, closing her legs tight to ease the sensitivity. With one touch of Mark’s cold fingers on her shoulder, the girl let out a whine. “Relax, I’m just helping you calm down and cover your body” he said as he covers the girl with his thick blue sheets.

Head resting on the headboard with both of his hands pillowing his head, the room was cold and quiet as Mark lay beside her naked with a soft cock. “I’m a hooker but, you’re something- there’s something to the way you fuck” she started a conversation after calming down. “It’s getting late, I’ll call you a cab” he avoids the subject politely.

After the hooker left, Mark feels lonely again in his big apartment. Thinking about what the hooker told him earlier. It made him have flashbacks he didn’t want to have. He’s lonely enough right now, he can’t afford to think about you. But it’s too late. He’s now swimming to the happy memories he had with you, trying so hard not to think about how he ruined a once in a lifetime relationship and just focused on how your smile gives warmth to his heart.

“I miss you, y/n” he murmurs before he drifts into sleep, hoping to dream about you.

FOUR YEARS AGO

You’re starting your new life in Korea with a job at one of the country’s biggest company, SM Entertainment as part of NCT’s creative team specifically on fashion deparment. The job was stressful and tiring but theres nothing you could not handle, you love what you do. Working for NCT made you love the members like your own brother, all except for one member. Mark Lee.

It all started when you realised that Mark is not a boy anymore but a man who wants to gain experience with mature stuff. You and Mark eye each other during music video and vlog shoots and you both grew fondly, sneakily hold hands under the table during company dinners, texting and calling nonstop when you don’t see each other for weeks.

Mark has always been sweet to you and he’s not ashamed to show you how he feels. One time they used flowers as props for the shoot and Mark secretly put a flower near your stuff with a note, “You did well today.” He bought Starbucks drinks for all the staffs so he could give you your favorite drink freely and without hiding, “Noona, this is for you. Fighting for today.” Whenever other members are flirting with you, he will stop the members from bugging you and tell them, “Noona already has a boyfriend, don’t bother flirting” and it always makes you blush how Mark is so overprotective.

You and Mark became more than friends but less than lovers for almost half a year. And Mark’s constant want to make you feel love pushed him to ask you out officially. Taking you on private dates around Seoul, making time for you and letting the members and his manager know about your relationship.

Since you’re Mark’s first girlfriend, he’s not a perfect boyfriend. At least not yet. He always picks up a fight with you, decides recklessly when it comes to your relationship, and he’s moving so fast. “I’m just saying that if we start living together, we will fight less and we can have more time together” he said as he argues to you on the phone.

You don’t answer him because it’s useless, he will somehow get what he wants because he has the money, and you love him. Mark let out sharp exhale on the phone, “Okay I’m sorry. I’m being childish again. I’ll stop by at your apartment after dance practice. I love you”

He arrived at 11pm in your apartment with his manager. “Take care of him y/n, he has a headache. A bad one. Overworked I guess” his manager said before leaving you and Mark. Your boyfriend kiss you on the lips and greeted you, “Hi” weak and sleepy, Mark hugged you tight.

While watching him eat dinner he tells you everything about his day at work, how he’s preparing for three comebacks these past few months and he needs to finish writing four songs in two weeks. “Good thing I have you by the end of the day, right?” he said after finishing his meal. You hand him some painkillers for his headache, “Yes. Now, come to bed with me. No more working please, Mark. Even the best people in the world rest at night” realising that you’re right, he nods and let you take him to your bedroom.

“What will I do without you” he whispers to you before going to sleep with you.

The thing is, many people don’t know that Mark is actually vulnerable and emotionally unstable. Sometimes he’s not confident with his songs and he needs you to help him write because he only trusts what you say. If you say this phrase is good, or you honestly don’t like the words in this song he will take your word from it. That’s how much he depends on you. And sometimes, it puts you in a hard position because Mark is depending on you all the time is a heavy responsibility.  

It’s like he really can’t get everything done without you or without your opinion. It’s not that he doesn’t trust the other members, it just so happens that your opinion matters above anything else.

Mark may be too sweet and gentle most of the time, but he’s horny for you. Really horny. Whenever you’re alone with him in your apartment he always initiates having sex and you always say no and he respects that. You’re definitely not a virgin anymore and you have way too much experience, but Mark doesn’t. It’s not a problem of course, but you just wan’t to take it slow. Wait for the perfect time to finally have sex.

Mark being the virgin in this relationship and the one who lacks experience, he tries so hard to ruin his innocence before the day you two finally have sex. Watching tons of porn and take notes to some stuff he can do with you, working out more so he can at least look good in bed.

Sure you’ve done other stuff together, from making out wherever and whenever to giving oral to each other in the morning or before you both go to sleep. Back when Mark saw you  half naked in bed for the first time he didn’t know how to touch you, you used to teach him how to properly touch you in the way you like to be touched by your boyfriend. Now, he’s the one surprising you in bed whenever your legs are widely spread for him and his head is in between you eating your pussy like there’s no tomorrow.

After dating for nine months, Mark convinced you to live together as your birthday gift to him. “Please, you know how much I want live with you” he pout in front of you while you take his body measurements for a new stage costume. He worked hard last year and he bought himself his first own apartment and he told you he wanted to share it with you. How can you refuse that kind of offer when he’s trying so hard to be a part of your life, forever.

You moved in with Mark and you filled his apartment with happy memories, never ending laughter and giggles because he’s a funny guy. The kitchen became a learning place for him because you teach him how to cook almost everyday and he’s doing great. Peaceful mornings are both your favorite, it makes him feel like a normal person who cooks breakfast for you and waking up with his girlfriend in his arms is something not normal for an idol.

“This place is our safe place, only for us. No fan service for me, no boss for you to please. Just Mark and Y/n.”

Lately work is not giving you a hard time and so does Mark. You two always go home together, spend more time together, and finally had the perfect time to be more intimate. It’s been like this for almost a week already, It’s a Friday night and after having dinner and taking a warm bath before bed, you and Mark found each other in the middle of bed cuddling. Hands intertwined and legs all tangled up.

“What if I tell you, we could finally have sex tonight?” you asked him. Ruffling his damped hair from his hot shower.

“I’d say, ‘tsk. don’t tease me’” he said with a small smile in his face. His breath touches your cheeks because you’re too close with each other.

“No, seriously we can”

He pull away from your embrace, just a little to look at your face if you’re serious. “Scratch that, I’d say ‘what’s gotten into you?’” he dives in for a slow kiss, cupping your face with one hand while the other is still intertwined with yours.

Seeing you unbutton your sleepwear made him realise that you’re serious. He kissed you more and removes his shirt and sweat pants leaving him with only his boxer briefs. You on the other hand is exposed wearing only your white panties.

Feeling excited and a bit nervous, Mark slowly crawled in between your legs and he looks handsome than ever. It’s not your first time but you feel like a virgin again, that untouched seventeen year old. Mark smiled at you before he removes your panties, watching his own hands slide your underwear down.

He came close to you just beside your ear giggling like a little boy, “I’m nervous” he said and proceeds to kiss your neck. It seems like he knew exactly what he was doing, but you can’t blame him for being honest. “I’ll be vocal as possible” he hums in approval and continues to kiss every inch of your body.

He managed to remove his boxer briefs while licking your wet pussy, your eyes are closed and your hands are tugging his soft hair. Moaning his name whenever his tongue hits a good spot, putting more pressure and intensity bringing you to your first orgasm. Mark became really good at giving you oral you thought.

“I think you’re ready” he whispered as he grabs the condom on the drawer beside the bed. While you watch him roll the condom on his cock, your heart skipped a beat when he faced you and hold your legs open. The next thing you know, he’s slamming his dick in your pussy making you shout and jolt your hips beneath him, “Ah! Easy- baby, Im not going anywhere!”

The whole time you were having sex, he was not minding about your pleasure. He was so focused on his own sweet release and he can see that you’re not liking it but you let him continue.

Given that it’s Mark’s first time, the first round didn’t go well. “Do you want me to takeover?” you feel bad about it, but to be honest you wan’t Mark to never forget this night the night he losses his virginity. He hugs you tight while he’s on top of you feeling really ashamed of what he just did.

“There’s no need to feel shy baby. We have all night and a lot of days to have great sex. Come on, I’ll ride you” he’s still not moving and still hugging you tight, caressing your hair and enjoying your warm body beneath him.

“Okay baby, I need to breath. You’re heavy ugh-“ you tricked him and he didn’t have a choice but to pull away. You laughed and switched positions, putting your legs on both sides of his hips wetting his cock with you wet pussy. He felt your pussy raw for the first time and he loves it, holding your hips and as you slowly grind on top of him. “I got you” you leaned forward to give him a peck on on the lips.

His right arm swings to his head, as if he can’t believe what’s happening. Moaning your name so deliciously, “Oh, it feels good” he said with an airy tone. His mouth is open the whole time you were grinding on his cock, stopping himself from cumming too early. You grabbed a new condom on the drawer, and rolled it on his hard cock.

“Now put inside me” you said oh so sexily. With shaking hands, he lines his cock to your cunt and he watched how your pussy swallow his thick cock and let out a soft ‘fuck’ when it fully disappeared. You smile on top of him as you wait for yourself to get used from the stretch before moving. Both of your hands are on his chest as you watch him moan and move his head from side to side while you clench and unclench your pussy.

“I’m not going to last long if you keep doing that” he voiced out, you only let out a small chuckle.

“Try to stop cumming so early and enjoy it, Mark” you finally move your hips, grinding slowly, fucking him like how he deserves to be fucked. Mark’s hands grips on your hips so tightly the whole time you were fucking him slowly, making sure he won’t forget this moment. He’s peeking from his lashes, trying to get a look at you while you fuck him for the first time in his life.

“I’m glad you’re my first fuck” he said, trying to smile at you with hooded eyes, head rolled back to the pillows on his head and looking so fucking hot as he enjoys the pleasure you’re giving right now.

When you’ve had enough of slow fucking him, you tighten you grip on his shoulder and doubled your pace. Making you both moan each other’s name, his cock is finally making you feel good. You feel Mark’s cock twitch inside you and leaned closer to him, kissing him passionately as you bring him to edge.

To your surprise he bit your lower lip when he finally reached his climax with mouth open, eyes closed and brows furrowed. You smiled beneath him as you watch him cum and shiver, his hands still gripping both of your ass cheeks.

As he slowly open his eyes, he gave you a sweet smile and his tight grip became soft touches around your back. You flop on top of him as he caress your hair again. “How’s that for our first time?” you asked him, still weak from his orgasm.

“I still feel bad because I can’t fuck you good though” he said, but he looks happy now. You switched positions again so he could have the honour of pulling out after having a mind blowing orgasm. Slowly pulling out his dick, Mark watched your pussy stretched while he pull out. Kissing it like it’s your lips and apologising for not making you cum using his dick, on your first night having sex.

“Thank you for this. I mean, I should be the one making it special for you. But I failed and like, I really feel bad about it but like, I don’t know. Somehow it went wrong” he pulls the thick sheets to cover your naked bodies and lay beside you. Keeping you close and admiring your beautiful face.

“It’s not like you didn’t tried making me feel good, baby. You made me feel good too, I wouldn’t be wet the entire time if-“ in the middle of your explanation he put a finger on your slit and checked if you’re telling the truth and if you’re still good to go for another round. “you startled me” you said, enjoying the way his fingers move slowly.

“Want to give me a second chance?”

Without hesitation, you nod your head and kissed Mark sloppily. Mark is a fast learner, you didn’t know but the whole time you were fucking him earlier he was observing how you want things. He found out that he should take things slow, entering your tight pussy and looking directly in your eyes this time, “Mark, how did you know I’m in love with your eyes? Ah! fuck!” his hips moves slow and it feels way better than the first and second time.

The third round made Mark a little confident on fucking you, he made you moan his name, grip his shoulder, close your eyes and open your mouth as you ask for more. He was asking you how can he make you feel better even though you’re already batshit losing your mind on how good he feels inside you.

‘How fast do you want me to go? Hmm?’ ‘Baby, can I bite your nipples?’ ‘Clench all you want baby, I won’t cum before you do I promise’ ‘Want me to kiss you here? Okay’

‘What? You want another round after this? Me too’

“I love you” he whispered while thrusting with a steady pace that you specifically asked. Kissing you while he wait for a response. He chuckled and felt proud when he saw you smile and out of words. Finally, he made you cum using his dick, with a little help of his fingers putting on your clit.

Feeling so accomplished before he finally sleep after using all five condoms that he have. He hugged you tight and whispered how in love he is with you but you’re already sleeping. Kissing you good night as you don’t know how happy Mark Lee is.

After that unforgettable night, you and Mark have sex almost everyday and just as you expected he became more confident in bed and even more sexier as each day passes. Sometimes he can be a little bit more filthier and rougher in bed, like that one time when he spits on your pussy, putting back your panties on and fucked you good wearing those ruined panties.

And that one time when he was so tired from practice, he fucked you really rough that night. Skipping foreplay and slamming his hard cock inside your dry pussy, “Mark! I’m not yet ready” you said as you try pushing his body away from you but he said, “I don’t care” in the most sexiest way ever and it turned you on. He apologised later after that night and he never did it again, because he knew it was wrong. But you said you liked it and it was pretty hot.

The members noticed Mark’s glow whenever you two had a great fuck from the night before and they always tease him for not being a baby anymore. His experience with sex made him write more songs about it. About you. Which the managers loved without a doubt and because of that Mark goes home to you every night with a big smile. Tired but happy.

You stopped using condoms when you finally took birth control shots. Having sex without a condom is new to Mark but this time, everything went well. You completely can’t get enough of each other, you passed out that night from too much fucking.

During his back to back to back comebacks and preparations with NCT 127 and SuperM, you both had busy schedules and stressful days because of work. And he comes home tired, sometimes frustrated and mad. You had sex more often because of stress and usually Mark is the one asking for it. Day and night, before you both leave for work and at night before you sleep.

If theres peace, chaos will somehow enter your lives. The side effects of the birth control shots was ten times harder than taking a normal birth control pill and it’s causing the fight in your relationship most of the time. Whenever Mark wants to have sex but you don’t because you don’t feel well due to the side effects, he sometimes make his way to you and convince you eventually. “You won’t move, I promise to do all the work” but the sex itself makes you sick even more.

You wanted to stop taking the birth control shot but Mark insist, telling you that it’s much safer than condoms. The thought of Mark getting you pregnant would brought chaos to the world, both of your careers would be ruined plus neither one of you is ready to be a parent. So you did it for Mark, you continued taking the birth control shot even though you really don’t want to.  

He’s not always like this, he’s only an asshole whenever he’s really really stressed at work which happens thrice a week, and the fight will usually last a week long. This happened during the preparation for Kick It era and Punch era and SM were making you both work like crazy.

Sometimes Mark sleeps at the dorms after yelling at you and picking a fight with you, “I make time so we could spend quality time together but you always make me feel like shit by refusing to make love and spend time with me. I don’t get you anymore!”

And sometimes you force yourself to work overtime just so you could forget the fight and have a breather. “Stay mad all you want, I don’t care I have work to do”

Most of the time it’s always job over the relationship and you notice Mark’s slight addiction on having sex with you. Not that he became a sex addict, no. Maybe he’s just really stress and he depends to you a lot, that’s why.

Even though the red flags were all bright and waving, you just brush it off and still stay with Mark. But one time you tried telling it to him, and he didn’t take it well. Anger clouded his mind, “Just tell me to stop having sex with you and stop accusing me.” It hurts when Mark doesn’t listen to what you feel and seeing him leave for practice without even looking to you straight up makes your heart ache.

When you didn’t come home because of work one night and Mark stayed up late waiting for you, the thought of you not living with him anymore and you leaving him in general scared the shit out of him. He went back to SM building to apologise, only to find you sleeping soundly in a small couch, curled up to an uncomfortable position but you’re tired already.

“Baby” he woke you in the most quiet way possible not wanting your officemates to wake up and see him. Thankfully your sleep was not that deep and you heard Mark’s whispers, “Mark?” you whisper back.

“Come home, please?” you came home with him without hesitation, scared that the other employees might see him if he stayed longer in public with you.

Mark always find a way to talk it out and make amends. He will need you and you will always understand him and everything will be peaceful for a few days or if you get lucky, weeks. But life will always find a way to make you two fight and make up, and do it over and over again. Breaking up was never a solution, Mark knew that all too well. He can’t live without you.

Sex feels good again lately and you haven’t fought for over three weeks already. He’s been incredibly sweet and caring, taking you out on dates and helping you with work whenever he can. Honestly you’ve been pretty worried about him, he’s been having anxiety and worries about his songs lately. Even questioning his own profession, ‘What if being an idol is not for me? Like, what if I have a different calling that’s why I suck at what I do now?” Mark throwing you questions like this makes you love him harder. Pouring every support you can give to him and stretch your patience more for him. His mental health becomes more and more unstable and it went on like this for roughly half a year already.

The past few months were quiet as if peace has taken over your lives again. Mornings became more peaceful and Mark makes love with you instead of just having sex for the sake of stress release. Kick It and Punch were both successful, now you’re both enjoying your long awaited rest eating watermelons in bed. Even though you’re both aware about Mark’s unstable mental state, life can still be sweet and beautiful because of the love you share.

“I’d trade any moment for peaceful times like this with you” he said, “our second year anniversary is coming” he scrunched his nose in front of you while munching. “I have the best gift for you and you won’t guess it this time” he speaks proud and you smirk at him, feeling excited about it. “I don’t want anything in this world. Just never leave me” he added.

Rest days are always your favorite because you two can stay in bed the whole day, watch Netflix, sing in the shower together for almost two hours, dates around Seoul, shopping together, have lazy sex, have filthy sex. In other words, no calls from work or idol schedules for Mark.

“Are you trying to get me pregnant?” you giggle as you brush Mark’s hair away from his face. Feeling his soft skin against yours, touching his muscles while you come down from your high.

“Maybe” kiss, “what if I am?” kiss, “I miss having fun like this in bed with you” kiss. Mark is siting in bed with you on top of him, sitting on his lap. His head in resting on the head board, arms around your body. He has a full view of your boobs and your glowing face.

“You know I like seeing you cum on top of me” you hum in approval, “three more rounds? What do you say?” he waits for your answer, not forcing you this time. Making sure he won’t do what he did from the past that made you hate him and cry in bed. Mark almost lost you that night.

Of course you want three more rounds in bed with Mark. “That’s my girl” he licks the valley between your boobs, hugging you close as you use his cock inside you for your own sweet release. Arms around his neck, you push him closer to your chest as he bites your nipples and eventually sucking them. “Mark, that feels good” you moan to make sure he won’t stop doing what he’s doing.

“C-close, Mark I’m close”

He lowers your body as he takes over on thrusting in you on top of his lap. Gripping and tugging anything you could find in bed as he fucks you senseless making your boobs bounce in front of him, lust taking over him fully. “Fuuuck!” you screamed and quickly hugged him to stop, he got the message. Hands caressing your bare back as you shiver on top of Mark’s lap, legs weak as you flop back down to the mattress making Mark giggle and draw small circles on your nipple as he lays beside you. After two more rounds, you begged him for one more round and ride him good as a thank you for making you feel good the whole night.  

“My stylist said I should go for a striking pink for SuperM comeback, I don’t know if that will suit me… Will it? Do you think I should go for it?” again with his dependancy to you.  

Mark is at a hair salon with Taeyong getting their hair done and ready for SuperM comeback happening in less than a week. Hearing that he will have a striking pink hair made you stop what you’re doing and imagine what he would look like. “Are you sure this is not about loving watermelons?” He giggled through the phone, “No.”

When he came home with a striking pink hair, you laughed at him but deep inside he looks handsome. “Well, you look yummy” you kissed him and smelled his hair. He picked you up bridal style and ran to your shared bedroom and tickled you until you cry tears of joy.

Tomorrow is your second anniversary and you can’t spend it together because he’s busy with SuperM promotions. Mark is a simple man who likes simplicity and nothing too fancy in life so looking for a really good anniversary gift is challenge. But you can’t give up. You decided to buy him a new guitar, similar with the one has but somewhat better and different. Inside the guitar there’s a written simple message that he can read whenever he’s doubting again.

It’s already five in the morning and Mark will leave in fifteen minutes. When you open your eyes, you see a cute Mark Lee kissing you until you wake up. He smells clean, his fingertips are cold against your skin, “Happy anniversary. This is one out of two for my anniversary gift” he slips a silver ring on your left ring finger which perfectly fits.

“It’s a promise ring if you’re wondering. I promise to be a better boyfriend. And I saw your gift by the way. I love it. I can’t wait to use it and sing to you after promotions. Just hang in there okay? I love you”

You went got up and it’s surprisingly cold, still sleepy and tired from last night, you saw a bouquet of flowers on top of the coffee table and a paper that contains Girls Generation’s members signature. Complete and framed. It made you happy and laugh because he used his idol card again just to make you smile over the silliest things.

The SuperM promotions was longer than expected but Mark is having a great time with his Hyungs. While Mark is away you’re work keeps on piling up because the company transferred you from NCT to Red Velvet, which you enjoyed because now you’re making costumes for girls.

You and Mark focused on work and it didn’t made you feel angry in fact, you think that Mark being away can make you focus better at work. You realised that you’re better off away from each other. As days and weeks go by, you think about moving out of Mark’s apartment. But he wouldn’t let you do it so you think of another plan.

Mark has been calling you for days already and you only answer just for the sake of telling him that you’re fine. From there on Mark sensed something wrong and the feeling doesn’t sit well on him. Being far from you makes him overthink stuff and imagine things that has the worst case scenario. Like you, getting tired of him because he’s emotionally unstable.

It’s almost midnight and you were just finishing work when Mark came out of nowhere and surprised you. “Surprise! I’m home! Oh, I’ve missed you so much” he said and showered your cheeks with kisses his hug getting tighter and tighter.

You irritatedly pushed him away.

“Okay- that’s new” he let out a sigh, “What did I do now?”

You crossed your arms and lean on the wall, you don’t know how to say it but you’ve made up your mind. You’re going to leave him. “I’m breaking up with you” He stopped listening after you said it.

“It’s funny how I saw this coming but still I had faith with you! I had faith with you that you will not chose to leave me, but fuck-“ he punched the wall, completely hurting his hand you wanted to come to him so bad and made him stop hurting himself but you can’t. To be honest his ears rang, he was light headed and he feel like throwing up. Tiredness and breakup in the middle of the night is not a good mixture.

“Don’t get me wrong please, I don’t hate you. I want to fix this baby, I tried thinking about about solutions and guess what we already tried everything and were still a mess. It bothers me. Knowing that we all have these problems all along and ignoring it over and over again- it’s bothering me baby. We can’t fix it, we can’t fix us”

Admitting that fighting for the relationship made you tired, is a hard pill to swallow. And it hurts because choosing to love yourself this time will hurt him. His emotional dependancy, the sex, and now you don’t know if you want the same things in life anymore.

You wanted to choose yourself this time and do what’s best for you. Because in the past two years, you’ve doing everything what’s best for Mark and Mark only because that’s how you love him. And leaving him is how you can love yourself.

“A week” he blurted out while you were in the moment of pouring out all your concerns. “A week off baby, let’s give each other some space” he kissed your forehead and left you. After what happened he figured, for sure you don’t want to sleep on the same bed with him.  

The space that Mark asked for just made him missed you, it made him realised how he’s been taking your patience for granted and how he’s using every part of your being for his own good. He wanted to fix that. He wanted to fix it so badly.

Looking back over the years, he remembered how you didn’t want to live together but he made you because it’s his birthday wish. ‘Mark how can you ask something like that?’ he told himself, hating himself more.

He remembered how you didn’t want to take birth control shots anymore because you’re having side effects already. And instead of being concerned he got mad at you. Mark told the story to Johnny and he just gave him a ’Tsk. I’m very disappointed’

While forcing himself to write lyrics with Taeyong on a Monday night, he kept on telling Taeyong that he needs your opinion first about the first words that he wrote already. Mark got an earful from Taeyong, ‘you shouldn’t depend on her always! You don’t how heavy it might be for her! Tsk. Do you think she knows anything about what we do here? She has her own profession! She studied years and years for it, how can you do this to her?’ of course Taeyong is always right.

On Wednesday night, you broke up officially with Mark.

“I think we should continue living separately from now on, Mark” you removed the promise ring that he gave you and put it in front of him. He was quiet the whole time, but he understands, blaming himself of course. He understands that now it’s all about you.

“They say if you love someone and they need you don’t leave them, and we hear those words in dramas. But Mark, this isn’t fantasy this is reality that’s really heavy for me. We ignored all the red flags and I think it’s time to let go now”

During your move out, he didn’t showed up and helped you. It’s okay, you thought. You hurt him and he needs time to heal. Clearing your stuff felt like freedom and you thought it was cruel. Cruel for Mark. You feel bad because breaking up really made you feel better.

Looking at the pictures around the apartment, made you feel sad, yes. But leaving it behind and putting them down one by one made you feel free. And again you think it’s cruel because Mark don’t feel the same way, he clearly wanted push through the relationship and you clearly don’t want that.

All the more reason to break up. You don’t want the same things anymore.

Because you did great with NCT and Red Velvet, another great opportunity knocked on your door. A job in Paris. You considered not taking it because of Mark, then you remember that you two have broken up.

He came to your apartment a week after the break up, begging you to come back in his life. “I heard you left SM, baby is it because of me?” you gave him a glass of water and sat beside him, it’s been a week but he already looked like shit. Dark under eyes and no happiness in his eyes.

“Listen to me,” you reached for his hand, “It’s not because of you. I’m finally choosing me. I’m doing what’s best for me and my career. It has nothing to do with you Mark”

He went on and on again about coming back to his life, telling you promises that you know he can keep, but you don’t want to be part of it anymore. “I Promise, I will someday be okay emotionally, I want you to be beside me when that happens. I think breaking up isn’t the solution baby, do you remember how great we are together? We can fix this, we can try and then if it doesn’t work i’ll leave. I’ll never bother you again”

“How can you say breaking up is not the right thing to do now? Mark I’ve honestly never been more peaceful these past few days”

Mark didn’t need to hear other things. What you said made him realised that he used up every chance he could make up with you. He left without saying a word, keeping the pain to himself the whole drive back to the dorms. “Dude, it’s going to be okay. Were here.” Johnny, Hyuck, Taeyong and Jaehyun all listened to him cry at the car not talking to anyone of them.

PRESENT DAY. FOUR YEARS AFTER

Mark still loves you.

................................................. Masterlist

inspired by the recent breakup that I had, please don’t steal my feelings huhu. Enjoy, and thank you so much for reading!

[secondhand-trash]

Friday I’m In Love

commissioned by @xaki

A/N: no, the fic has nothing to do with the song it just so happens that it fits in the most literal sense lmao much thanks to xaki who gave me my first commission and my friend for helping me out when my brain was going all sorts of illogical directions uwu

Pairing: Kuroo Tetsurou x f!reader

Description: You saw Kuroo Tetsurou once every week, where you tried your best to not let the fact that he was your high school crush distract you too much.

Warning: unprotected sex, spanking, dirty talk, slight degradation

Word count: 5052

-

You saw Kuroo Tetsurou once every week, during the single Wednesday morning lecture you shared.

You had allowed yourself the luxury of stealing a few glances his way during that one occasion, but never do more than just looking from afar.

Actually, it was ironic that you had gotten to the point of limiting yourself from even looking at him when there was a time you would see him nearly every day.

Getting into the same high school was a pure coincidence, but you had also noticed early on that no matter where he was, your gaze was following his figure before you even realised it. Who could blame you, really. Who wouldn’t want to spare even just a few more seconds looking at the boy who was taller than the rest of his peers even in his first year, only growing more and more breathtaking as he ditched the boyishness and slowly gained the edge on his face and the hint of maturity in his eyes.

You were far from being the only one that harboured a bit of a schoolgirl crush on the eventual volleyball club captain. In the few years where you shared the same class, you had witnessed him being called out of the classroom by blushing pupils more times than you could count. It always brought a bitter taste to your mouth but what could you do about it? At least they had the guts to confess. 

You liked to believe that it was not a cowardly move for you to hide your affections all throughout your high school years. It was just that as early as you had noticed your budding feelings, you also realised that you two belong with two seperate groups of people with very different interests, and the chances that he would opt for you was slimmer than slim. So you never did much to try and win him over, maintaining a friendly distance where you only interact in class and nothing outside of it. 

At least it could be a nice memory to look back on when you were way past the age to be conflicted over things like this.

You were just as shocked as any other person when you learned that he did not go the pro-athlete route everyone thought he would go, nearly as shocked when you walked into your first lecture of the semester to see him sitting right at the very front.

He seemed to have noticed you too, giving you a slight nod after his eyes widened. You returned the polite gesture, before heading straight to the very back of the lecture hall without a hint of hesitation.

You could deal with one more semester of friendly distance. Couldn’t be that hard, right?

-

It was Wednesday morning again, and you sinked into the seat at the very back of the lecture hall you tactfully occupied with a yawn.

It was from pure bad luck that you managed to register the one 8:30 lecture available in the course. Everywhere around you, people were either half asleep or laid down on the table at the very least. From the corner of your eye, you even spotted someone catching up on the latest episodes of the new tv series that just aired with subtitles on.

You sighed, leaning your jaw on your palm. You wanted to say that this was a bit too much even for a lecture but who were you to judge when your soul was starting to escape your body to somewhere more interesting than the lecture hall anyway.

The amount of people who were actually paying attention to the lecture could probably be counted with one hand, let along the ones that seemed to be genuinely enjoying it. You thought to yourself, your glances floating to the boy who blocked even more of your view with his roaster head on top of his existing height.

He was probably the only one who still had the strength to chuckle when the lecturer tried to liven up the dying atmosphere with unfunny gags.

“...for the upcoming event, students who volunteered as committee members would receive bonus marks based on their performance,” you perked up at the distant call of ‘bonus score’ from far away, “the form will be placed by the door, Please fill in your name before you leave if you are interested.”

Your mind was occupied by numbers and calculations of your gpa for the rest of your class, even as you lined up mindlessly behind your other classmates after the lecture was dismissed. Another thing about morning lessons was that the amount of effort you were willing to put in was also diminished by the limits on your mind and soul, meaning that any chance at a higher grade was worth trying. You had decided that free labour in exchange for that good grade was a decent enough bargain.

“Hey.”

You snapped out of your trance when it was your turn at the form only to feel your heart skipping a beat when you looked up to see the familiar handsome face you stared at as your recharge every morning.

You blinked, trying hard to maintain a calm front even though your mind went haywired at the rare direct interaction you had with Kuroo.

“Do you need the pen?” he asked, holding out the thin ball pen he was gripping in his hand to you.

“Oh,” your eyes widened, putting on a polite smile as you took it from him, “oh yes. Um, thank you.”

It was only a while later when you put down your name right below his that it finally hit you that you two had signed up for the same event. It took even longer for you to realise that the strange tingle you felt at the back of your hand was from his fingertips brushing past yours as he let go of the pen, but by then he was gone and it would be a few days later when you saw him again.

-

You now see Kuroo Tetsurou two times every week. Once during the dreadful morning lecture on Wednesday and on Friday evening where you were stuck in the committee meeting together.

But unlike the stolen glances on Wednesday, you were forced to acknowledge Kuroo as more than just a distant being you were merely acquaintances with in those few hours.

It was very inconvenient for you, considering how each time you felt smaller and smaller under his concentrated gaze as he listened to your input on whatever topic of discussion it was. In fact, you felt rather resentful that you couldn’t quite stand as firm as you did on your stance that you wanted to keep what was clear to be a admiration from being known under your own free will instead of a lack of self-assurance.

You had no choice but to be reminded that he was smart and brilliant on top of just being good-looking. He always knew what to say when the rest of the room was stuck, moving the agenda forward with each valuable input. He was easy to work with, reliable and always efficient.You found that you genuinely liked working with him, crush or not. He listened intently to what other people had to say and never said anything less than constructive.

Worst of all, you were starting to have the illusion that he had started paying more attention to you too. When you looked around the room as you were about to speak up each time, you would always lock your eyes with him at some point, even before you started talking like he already anticipated that you would have something to say.

Maybe it was a mistake, you thought to yourself as you stared outside the pitch black windows of the bus that was rocking steadily, feeling your mind drifting away after using up all your energy in the meeting, maybe those few bonus marks were not worth all this inner conflict.

“Hi, um,” you looked to the side, your mind going blank like you just got caught doing something guilty when you saw the exact person you were thinking about standing by. You cursed the uncontrollable heat that raised on your face, “can I sit here?”

It wasn’t like you could say no. “Sure,” you said as you picked up your bag to clear out the seat for him, flashing a cordial smile of someone who did not have a reason to be nervous when you could already feel the beating in your chest speeding up, “of course.”

“Thanks,” he said with a relieved sigh, throwing himself on the empty chair with a soft thump. You tried to pretend that you did not secretly really care about how close he was to you now, looking back out of the window again. Kuroo looked at you, pondering if he should say something first.

“So…”

“Hm?” you turned around to face him at the dragged out note of his voice.

“Have you gone back to Nekoma after graduation?”

You sighed and gave a light shake of your head, "No. Just surviving college is hard enough, who has time to think about going back?”

You tried to dismiss the knot in your stomach when he replied with a light chuckle and the corner of your lips curling up against your will when he leaned back. “Makes sense," he said, running his hand through his unruly hair before swiftly carrying on to ask you about what you were up to now.

It would have been easier if it was awkward or uncomfortable but sadly, Kuroo was also very easy to talk to and by the time you regained your senses, you were already at the door of your apartment with him walking you there the whole way after getting off the bus at the same stop.

Next Friday, he came up to you with a grinning face when you packed up your stuff after the meeting. “We go the same direction, right?” he had said, walking next to you casually as you headed out the meeting room. He started the conversation before you could say anything, and like last time, he walked you back to your apartment, claiming that he lived nearby anyways.

You saw him twice every week. Once during the morning lecture that was starting to feel less painful to endure and the Friday committee meeting, where he naturally walked you home without fail each week. At some point, he started saving you the seat next to him before each meeting and there was less and less of a reason for you to not take it when he was already leaving with you anyways. All of the above had reminded you once again why you were so hellbent on staying away from him in the first place.

He was far too easy to like, even more so now that you were somewhat friends by the end of the series of meetings.

-

The voice of your instructor was distant as you stared at the clock, the sound of Kuroo’s pencil tapping against the table keeping you in touch with what was going on. It was the last meeting you had to attend and quite frankly there was nothing interesting going on at this point. You glanced to the side, before pulling out your phone that has been buzzing in your pocket since the meeting started.

You tried to conceal the irritation rising in your chest as you looked at the glowing screen underneath the table. Your old friends had been bombing you with questions ever since they learnt that after years of looking on, you somehow had a leaping development with your crush on accident after graduation. It was a mistake on your part, given how the topic of their heated discussion was sitting right next to you. 

“(y/l/n)?”

The sudden mention of your name startled you, and you threw your phone down almost a bit too hard. “Yes?”

“Can you help hand these out?”

You let out a relieved sigh that you were not being called out for not paying attention as you stood up, pushing the conversation that was no doubt still ongoing in your group chat to the back of your head. “Of course.”

Kuroo watched as you got out, taking the stack of minutes from the instructor. After today, he would go back to only seeing you when you walked into the morning lecture hall. He felt the nerves building in his stomach, wondering if he should bear his teeth and threw his shot in changing that.

‘So you’re just going to do nothing?’

The screen of your phone that was laying on the table lit up as the speech bubble appeared. His curiosity got the better of him when the next message popped in before he could look away.

‘You have liked Kuroo for years and you’re just going to let this chance slip?’

He froze in place when he read his own name. You liked him? His eyes flicked to you, his heart in his throat at the realisation that he had just learnt something he was not supposed to know. 

But despite the slight guilt of overstepping his boundaries, it took all the fiber in his body to stop himself from grinning ear to ear when you returned to your seat next to him.

“What?” you asked with an amused quirk of your eyebrows at how stiffly he was sitting.

“Nothing,” Kuroo replied, feeling the muscle around his mouth going sore as he bit the inside of his cheeks, “nothing.”

The ride home felt so much longer with him next to you, knowing that this was to be the last. He did not say anything even as you got off, only walking in silence like he was deep in thought. You wondered what it was that made him so quiet today, he was usually the more chatty one out of you two.

Kuroo felt the tension building up in his head as you got closer and closer to your door. 

“Can I tell you something?”

You snapped around, your hand on the handle of your doorknob when he suddenly spoke up for the first time since you left the meeting that day. “Yeah?”

“My place is at the opposite side of the neighbourhood.”

“What?” your voice came out as a whisper. Your breath hitch at the back of your throat when he took one step closer to you before leaning down. His face was right in front of yours, his defined features dangerously close to you.

“I said,” you could feel his breath fanning on your face as he spoke and the pounding in your ear was thundering as you held your breath, “I’m only here because I want to be around you.”

Kuroo watched intently as your eyes widened, your jaw clenching as you gulped. His gaze flickered between your eyes and your lips, almost like he was waiting for you to show him any hint of rejection before he made the irreversible move. 

When your hand slowly crept onto his shoulder and stayed there, he latched onto you. You were taken back by his force, his tongue evading your mouth at your moment of lowered alert. His kiss was demanding, stealing away the oxygen in your lungs bit by bit as he held you close. 

You were panting when he pulled away after his initial outburst, your pupils dilated as your lips swollen up. You paused, before gathering the courage that had surged in your chest.

“Do you want to come in?”

Kuroo did not waste another second when the door clicked, his hand getting rougher now that you were within the privacy of your home. Your arms hung around his neck as you desperately held yourself up, your toes barely touching the floor as he demandingly kissed down the side of your neck. He lost patience at your struggling, lifting you up with his arm under your hips before pulling you down onto him with a stumbling step to the cramped couch.

“Help me strip.” He whispered in your ear, adjusting your position on his lap as he brought your hand to the opened collar of his shirt. You gulped when he gave an encouraging knead on your upper thigh, far too consumed by the want of seeing more of him to feel bashful by his bold request.

His gaze burned on your skin as he stared at you, not moving away even for a second while you tear apart the row of buttons to reveal more and more of his toned body. You felt like your fingers were not listening to your commands, a clumsy stiffness in your joints as he unhooked each button. The subconscious way you darted your tongue out to wet your lips at the rise and fall of his chest did not go unnoticed under his attentive stare, his much larger hands guiding you to palm his tend over the firm material of his jeans as your finger grazed past the cold metal of the zipper.

Kuroo’s stomach tensed up when you pulled down the fly, pushing your hips against his legs as you pushed away the heavy jeans. He held you down as he sat up, drinking in your soft moan with an open mouthed kiss. Your hand ran down from his shoulder to the firm pecs adoring his abdomen, each mound rippling under the tip of your fingers. His circled one arm around your waist while the other fumbled to pull his aching cock out of its refines. You felt the vibration of his chest as he groaned into your mouth when you allowed your hand to wander down his body, cupping his balls as he fisted his own length.

You let out a shaky sigh when he slid his palm down the elastic band of your panties, groping the soft flesh of your ass as he peeled off the thin piece of cotton with a push down the small of your back to have you arching for him.  He chuckled when he felt the wetness that was seeping through the fabric, earning a glare from you that looked more like a kitten pretending to be defensive out of embarrassment than truly threatening to him with your heated face and slightly swollen lips from his earlier nibbling when you pulled away. A thin strand of silver connected your lips, looking all the more erotic now that you were both half bare and exposed to each other’s hungry eyes.

Your finger dug into the muscle of his arms when he lifted you up from his lap with ease, much thanks to the firm grasp of your thighs in his warm palms. Your lips fell agape but no sound came out when you felt the hardness prodding at your entrance. He looked shamelessly at where your bodies met, not bothering to hide the grin on his face when he felt the pain of your nails against his arm as he brushed his tip along your slit. You whined at the friction that was barely there, not able to sink down with him holding you back but your legs were starting to go weak with each push of his length against your clit. He took his time, spreading the leaking pre-cum across your folds and watching the mixture of your arousal slowly coated his cock.

“Kuroo…” you called out for him, hoping that it would be enough for him to give you what you wanted.

“Aw... What’s with this formality?” his arm flexed under your touch as he tilted his head to the side, lowering you down just a little, “What should you call me when I’m about to fuck your brains out, hm?”

You bite onto the inside of your cheeks when you felt him barely dipping in, his tip just positioned at your pussy.

“Tetsurou-” 

his own name felt foreign as it rolled off the tip of your tongue and he let out an approving hum. “Good girl,” he purred, placing a chaste kiss on your trembling lips. 

His grip on your legs tightened as he leaned closer to you, pushing his cock just a little deeper. Your brows locked together as he stretched out your entrance, clawing at his arm for more. You thought he was finally going to show some mercy on you, but the beating in your heart skipped a beat when you felt his hot breath fanning across your lips instead.

“You’re in love with me, aren’t you?”

Your eyes snapped open, his handsome face right in front of yours. “Wha- mph!”

You yelped at the sudden drop of your hips onto his lap, your nails scratching down his arm as he hilted inside of you with one motion. Your head threw back at the waves of shocking pleasure that sparked down your spine, your juicings running down the base of your thighs as your walls tried to accustomed to his thickness and length.

“What is it? Did you just say yes?” his laugh was wolfish as he took in your expression, a mixture of infuriated and primal desire.

“You-” he did not give you the time to bite back, thrusting up with a lift of your hips and turning whatever you wanted to say into nothing but incoherent moans.

Your body did not feel like it was under your control as he guided you to grind on his cock, the slaps of your soft flesh against his thighs taking over your senses. Your toes curled at how deep he could reach inside you each time he pulled you up and bottomed out of you. His hands were fondling your ass roughly as he bounced you on his cock, reducing you to nothing but a panting mess laying weakly on his chest.

“How does it feel to have the man of your dreams stretching out your tight cunt, hm?” he emphasised each word with a thrust, grinning ear to ear when you made a frugal attempt at slapping his arm you were holding onto. You buried your face into his chest, your muffled moans coming out as hot breath on his skin. He looked down from above you, watching as your ass jiggled under each thrust and your spine arching from the pleasure. 

A loud smack echoed in the room and he groaned at the feeling of your walls clenching around him at the slap of his palm against your ass cheek. He gave the flesh a firm knead, rubbing at the area that had heated up from the spank before pulling his hand away to give the other side the same treatment. You felt the numbness on your skin as your skin burned, the pain making every hair on your back stood up. 

“You like it when I get rough with you? You are squeezing down on my cock so hard,” his voice came as gravel from his chest. Your mind was in a frenzy, not even thinking straight as you nodded feverishly. “You’re such a slut for me, it’s really inflating my ego,” his filthy words made your stomach tighten as he continued, “bet this is what you have been thinking about whenever you check me out.”

You felt your face burning up. He knew all along?

Your surprise came out in the form of a squeal when he stood up, still holding you up. Your panting got more rapid as your only leverage from falling was the frantic clawing at his arm, having nothing but his strength to trust as he bounced you on his cock while marching down the hallway.

He hissed at the sharp pain on his back when your hands scratched down, kicking the door open with a hasty shove at the door with his heel before throwing you down the mattress. He did not waste another second as he perched on top of you, hooking your legs around his waist before rolling his hips to completely take over the pace of his cock pistoning at the spongy spot that made your mind foggy with nothing but his name and the overwhelming feeling of being towered over in your head.

The squelching got louder and louder as he ruthlessly snapped against you. You felt the knot in your stomach tightened up as he leaned down, sucking on the sweet spot at the side of your neck. His hand roamed all over your body, kneading your tits that bounced under his force. 

He could not get over the fact that you were actually here, folded beneath him right now, and that it was his name you were moaning out. 

“I’m-” your legs clasped around him as every muscle on your limbs tensed up, “I’m close-”

“Yeah? Tell me what you want,” he growled in your ear, his thrusts starting to get sloppy as your walls spasmed around his cock, “what does my girl want?”

You had imagined what it would be like if Kuroo Tetsurou ever set his eyes on you, if he had wanted you the same way you had absentmindedly started wanting him despite your best efforts to convince yourself that you knew that would not happen. But nothing could stop the heat that exploded in your chest and spread all through your body at how natural it came out of his mouth.

His girl. You were his girl now.

You let out a choked mewl when he switched from erratic plowing to slowly dragging his cock along your walls. The sudden drop from your near high seeped into your senses, tingling down from your core all the way to the tip of your toes. 

“Tetsu-” your back arched off the mattress when he pulled out all the way only to halt in you with a sudden thrust, “want you to make me cum- ah!”

The shocks that sparked through your body when he set his sight on making you fall apart underneath him with his vigorous thrusts had your toe pointing stiffly and curling under the pleasure. The fist in the pit of your stomach curled and unfolded as he gripped your chin roughly, turning your head to look right into his eyes.

“Fuck, you wanna cum?” he hissed, feeling the shivers on his own back as he got closer and closer to his own high, “Then look at me, look at me as you cum on my cock-”

You felt your body shuddering as waves of pleasure crashed over you. His eyes were all you could focus on as you succumbed to the weakening of your limbs, the pounding in your ear gradually returned to a regular pace with Kuroo’s languish strokes allowing you to ride out your high. 

You were sure you could never forget how the defined arch of his brows knitted together as he pulled out of you, his head throwing back just a little with his lips slightly parted. A sinful moan leaking out as spurts of white painted across your lower stomach. 

Your vision was hazed over with a veil of fog as you blinked, collecting your breaths before focusing on the roof of your room that suddenly felt so unfamiliar. The claminess on your skin and the smell of sweat slowly took over. You felt the weight on your chest, breathing out a heavy exhale.

You really did just have sex with your crush, huh?

As if noticing your train of thought, Kuroo leaned over and placed a quick kiss on your jaw, his grin reaching his eyes as he stared at you. Much unlike his earlier dominance, the lazy curl of each syllable on his lips sounded more so like he was trying to play cute.

"Wait here,” he said, adding another peck on your lips, “I’ll grab you a towel.”

“The bathroom is the one right outside…” you muttered, feeling the dent on the mattress sprung back as he climbed off of you.

Your tensed muscles slowly relaxed as he moved you to lean against his broad chest, his hand gently caressing your skin as he dabbed the wet towel on you. His lips ghosted along your ear as he cleaned up the marks and trails left from your earlier passions, trying hard to conceal his satisfaction when you whined as he brushed past the bruises on your thighs.

“You should start getting used to it from now on, plenty more chances for us to- ouch, ouch.. ok, I’m sorry…”

The corner of your lips lifted up, burying your face into his chest as you tried to get comfortable, “I was right, you are way more attractive without opening your mouth.”

“Awe, don’t say that,” he pouted but the wolfish grin on his face told you he was not apologetic at all.

Kuroo watched as you slowly leaned onto him more and more, until your eyelids closed up with a flutter. If you had stayed awake for just a little longer, you would know that he could not be any more careful when he tucked you under the blanket before slipping in next to you. On this rare occasion where he would not get caught, he allowed himself to stare at your serene expression as he dozed off to sleep with a content smile on his face.

You did not need to know that his grade for the one course you shared was high enough already and he signed up for the committee purely because you were signing up too. He certainly would not let you know that he had always noticed your lingering gaze on him or that he secretly enjoyed it, even back when he saw you more than twice a week. That and the fact that he was overjoyed when he saw you appearing from the door of the lecture hall that Wednesday morning, followed by the ever growing frustration that he couldn’t find an excuse to talk to you when you were literally in the same class.

Whatever. Kuroo thought to himself as he gently threw his arm over your waist, burying his face into the crook of your neck as he inhaled your sweet scent. At least he didn’t have to go all the way from your apartment complex back to his place every Friday anymore.

[wisehq]

Mission Debrief: Chapter 43

...IT’S HAPPENING! IT’S HAPPENING! IT’S HAPPENING-!

Alright, before we get into it- full disclosure; the hivemind is in full swing at the Operation Strix discord server, so pretty much anything I write here is going to be an amalgamation of all the conspiracy theories and reactions we vomited out as soon as the chapter dropped. On that same note, I think writing these the day after will start to be the norm. Just so I have the chance to calm myself before going on a twenty-page tangent about everything Endo may or may not be planning.

Okay [deep breath] let’s get into it.

First, let’s start off with Franky, before we get into the juicy stuff.

When the chapter first started, I thought we were going to get backstory on Franky. Endo seemed to be alluding to this on his twitter page, and I was actually interested in possibly seeing more about his and Twilight’s relationship. Of course that didn’t end up happening; instead we got another side story about Franky trying to get some action by finding a lady’s lost cat, but seeing as how it’s Franky we’re talking about it seemed appropriate. Also, how can I be upset when-

The princess herself arrives! I gotta say, I loved the lightheartedness of most of this chapter. Yor’s always a delight, and pairing her together with Franky was a smart move on Endo’s part. They built off each other’s wackiness and I love this moment with the two of them. Just like with Twilight, we see that Franky genuinely wants to make the world a better place (and also get rich along the way) and Yor’s so impressed with him. I also liked that moment where Franky is surprised to find Yor still playing Loid’s wife even when he isn’t there- much like how he was with Anya while he was babysitting her. Just another little nod to the fact that he sees the Forger girls as being more than players in a game of elaborate house.

Then- just a quick thing before we get into what I know we all want to talk about- it’s interesting to me that Franky isn’t a one-man operation. He has a whole network of informants that he works with, and it makes sense that someone in his line of work has a many ears on the wall as possible. It’s a surefire way to stay plugged into the goings-on of the Ostanian underworld, unless of course...

...They get taken out by Garden.

AGHGHGHGHGH ALRIGHT, OK LET’S GO-

Garden. We finally have a name for Yor’s group now; we thought it was The Shop for the longest time, but apparently that’s only part of it. Yor alluded to this briefly back in ch. 29 when she described The Shop was being in charge of information gathering, and once their job was done it was Yor’s turn to come in and do the actual assassination. In this sense we see The Shop was being more of a support role in the same way that Franky is, though it’s still safe to assume the Shopkeeper is still in charge of both The Shop and Garden. At least for now- until we get more information to say otherwise, anyway.

Of course, the interesting thing is our silhouetted figures standing in this panel- not to mention the fact that Franky states that all the members are capable of taking on a whole troop of soldiers (for reference, a troop ranges between 9 and 100 men, though it usually hovers around 50). We know Yor is capable of doing this, but now that we also know the other assassins of Garden are as well, it begs the question; is Yor’s strength truly a unique thing in this world? And if it isn’t, what could be the source of it?

OSO-R, the drug used during the Tennis arc, was described as being in its trial stages. I originally chalked up it’s fast development time as just being part of manga logic, although I’m now starting to question that theory. It’s possible the roadmap for OSO-R has been around for much longer than first thought, and may find its traces back to when the war had just ended. Loid describes Garden as having been around for some time. We also know that Yor was just a child when she started up her assassination gig, so it’s possible that she and others like her may be have been exposed to a serum similar to OSO-R a decade or so before. Given Ostania’s track record of human experimentation, the scenario is possible.

Also going back to what Franky describes as “the shadow government”; it’s interesting that we’re hearing rumblings of a government operating outside the public’s view literally one chapter after we were just introduced to the concept of a royal class at some point in Ostania’s past. There’s a lot of things that cab be construed from this (such as Garden serving an authority that doesn’t necessarily align with Donovan and the government) but listing everything would just turn this review into one long-winded mess. So instead, we’re gonna entertain a fun theory- one that may or may not be true, but if it *does* end up being confirmed later on down that road, you heard it here first.

*ahem*

Mr. Green is a part of Garden.

Allow me to state my case.

When ch. 39 came out, I found it very unusual that a brand new character we haven’t seen before got a majority of the panel-time alongside Damian and the boys. It wasn’t very suspicious at the time, given that we’d just been introduced to Becky’s maid Martha, so we all just assumed Endo was building up his side characters a bit. For all intents and purposes, that may very well be the case.

However.

I know one person in particular who latched onto this panel right here, and for good reason; why would a security guard stationed at a school nowhere close to the border know about code words being used by people trying to cross over illegally? Yes, he was supposedly in the navy, but the way he phrases it here heavily implies that these code words are a recent affair, or at the very least are still being used currently. Why would he know that? Even if he was in the military, it’s information that has absolutely nothing to do with being in the navy.

Mr. Green is also very strong; strong enough to make the boys think they were going down rapids when in actuality it was just him rowing so fast. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever paddled a boat before, but it’s hard work- and it’s certainly difficult to the get that boat going at cruising speed, let alone fast enough to cause rapids. Yor’s the only one we’ve seen with strength like that and- yes, Green was supposedly in the navy, but at this point in time we don’t know anything else about him. We don’t know what he did after the war, nor do we know how he wound up in Eden Academy in the first place.

This is where we start going deep down the rabbit hole. Hang on.

This gentleman who we’ve never seen before is clearly aware that Garden exists, or at the very least is privy to Yor’s actual job. Much like how WISE has plants within Loid’s hospital, this man likely works to support Yor in some way. If such is the case, we can likely assume that- because the shadow government is supporting Garden- they would have their assassins posted in key areas for various reasons, likely to keep an eye out for traitors or to keep them spread out to cover a wide area should the need ever arise to deploy them.

We’ve only ever see Yor target traitorous politicians and outright terrorists (I realize this one is just a daydream, but you get my point). It would make sense, seeing as how she works at city hall and it would likely put her in an advantageous position when hunting them down. Of course, politicians aren’t the only people who might catch Garden’s attention. Given the amount of political and economic unrest that is currently going on in the country, there likely would be some people who would be fed up with the state of things. Such people may not be like Franklin Perkin- someone who would take direct action against the government- but instead would rather try to steer others towards a mindset that stands in opposition to Ostania. Such a person may try to target more impressionable people- people who are likely to listen and learn from an authority figure in their lives. People like...small children.

Eden students.

Garden. Eden. I see what you’re doing there, Endo.

Traitorous professors? Renegade academics? It would make sense to have a Garden assassin stationed at the most prestigious school in the country; the amount of information and contacts that are positioned around there are second to none, and what better way to suppress insurrection than at the source, at the very foundations of knowledge itself? Also, for kicks and giggles, let’s not forget that the name Mr. Green certainly fits with the plant motif Endo is going for with his assassin group (Garden. Thorn Princess. Briar. You catch my drift?)

Am I grasping at straws? Probably lol. I’d also like to reiterate that this is in no way all my thinking- a lot of crazy people put their brains together for this one, good or bad. But hey, it’s about all we can do until the next chapter! And at the very least, it’s a lot of fun to wonder what-if!

Also, BONUS

...She’s coming.

[softtrobed]

hm would you write a fic about annie coming out to jeff? i love their friendship and brother/sister relationship :)

thank you so much for this request! i honestly got a bit emotional writing this. annie coming out to jeff is something that can honestly be so personal...

there's some focus on annie coming out to other members of the study group, but it does mainly focus on her and jeff. i hope that's okay :)

Annie had decided to come out to her friends in the same way she tended to do most things: efficiently and beginning by making a list.

Well, she supposed the most efficient way would be to come out to all of them at the same time, but this way would be more effective in the long run. She knew they’d all have very different reactions, different questions to ask, different levels of surprise, so if they all found out at once, most likely no one’s questions would get answered (not just the ones she would politely ignore), the group would start talking over each other, someone would yell at Pierce and it would almost be forgotten what the point of the conversation even was. This way, although it would take longer, everyone would hopefully be satisfied.

She told Troy and Abed first. That was the easiest, as because the two were a couple, she had no doubt they’d be accepting. Additionally, in the time they’d lived together, she had a feeling they’d already picked up on some of her not-so-straight behaviours: the girl-crushes she formed on the pretty women in the movies they watched together and her disinterest or non-romantic affection towards the men she knew she was ‘supposed’ to swoon over; the way she giggled and twirled her hair while on the phone with a certain girl from Greendale she’d recently reconnected with; the one time she didn’t delete her search history from the apartment computer and Abed may or may not have seen her recent searches, which included among others, ‘am I gay test,’ ‘comphet meaning’ and ‘can you be straight but think girls are really pretty and rarely have long lasting feelings for men?’

She’d come out to them over breakfast one day, and they basically had the best response she could have wished for. They were totally cool with it, but didn’t make it a big deal. They joked about how she was no longer the token straight roommate, she hugged both of them, and the day went on as normal.

Annie had crossed their names off her list with a big smile on her face.

Next had been Britta. Annie had also guessed that she’d be accepting, as what had happened with Paige last year had been a bit misguided but well-intentioned. At least Annie didn’t have to worry about Britta only wanting to be her friend because she was a lesbian, because they were already friends, and Annie suspected Britta had learned her lesson.

As expected, Britta reacted well. Perhaps too well, loudly proclaiming her supporting for the LGBTQ community before asking a string of questions about what it was like dating girls and if kissing them was different if you were sobre and/or not doing it to prove you weren’t homophobic. Annie explained she didn’t know - she actually hadn’t kissed a girl yet - but did wonder if Britta’s questions weren’t just due to her being an ally. She could be wrong, but she had read something about queer people having a way of spotting each other. Still, it wasn’t her place to assume anything, and she put the thought out of her mind as she crossed off Britta’s name.

Next was Jeff. This was a bit trickier. Once again, she didn’t think Jeff would be at all homophobic (unless he turned out to be one of those men who only viewed relationships between women as hot, but she’d cross that bridge if she came to it), but coming out to him made her nervous for another reason. Ever since they’d kissed at the Transfer Dance, his feelings for her had seemed unclear. At first, he’d seemed determined to forget it ever happened - which she’d found unfair at the time, but now appreciated - but lately, it was possible he had actually become interested in her. It felt… really weird, when she thought about it for too long. Not only was she definitely not interested in him, but, partially due to their age gap, their relationship felt too close to a father-daughter or older brother-younger sister relationship to be romantic. Sometimes she wondered why she’d ever liked him like that at all.

Although, since she’d extensively researched what comphet was and realised that was undoubtedly what she’d been experiencing, she could understand a bit better she’d never really liked him to begin with, she’d just latched onto a seemingly unattainable man to convince herself she could be attracted to guys, yet again.

As everyone packed up their stuff to leave the study room, Annie remained seated. “Um, Jeff,” she said. “We’ve both got a free period now, right?”

“Right,” Jeff replied, not looking up from his phone.

“Would you mind if I talked to you about something?”

He looked at her curiously. “Yeah, sure.”

Troy, Abed and Britta had clearly all realised what was going on. Abed gave her a small, supportive smile, Troy gave a quick thumbs up, and Britta winked in a way Annie guessed was meant to be subtle, but no doubt everyone in the room saw.

“Come on, guys,” she said, ushering the others out of the room. “This sounds important, and private, and we’ve all got classes to get to.”

Shirley stopped, muttering that she’d forgotten a textbook, but Britta practically pushed her out of the door as Abed said in a deep voice, seeming to have taken the opportunity to act like a security guard, “Keep it moving.”

Annie smiled as she watched them leave, her friends dramatics a pleasant distraction from what she was about to do. She turned back to Jeff to see he’d put his phone down. Clearly, he knew this was serious. “So,” he said. “What did you want to talk to me about?”

Annie opened her mouth, let out a squeak, then closed it. This was going to be difficult. Maybe she should have just come out to everyone at the same time, the consequences be damned. That way, she would have got it all over with at once.

“Annie, is everything okay?” Jeff sounded so genuine in his concern, a relatively rare sight. “You know you can tell me if something’s bothering you?”

“No, everything’s fine,” she assured him, finding her voice, but he didn’t look convinced. She took a deep breath. “I was thinking recently about that time we kissed.” He looked confused for a second. Didn’t he remember that night? Not that she cared, of course. “You know? During the dance at the end of our first year? I had just decided not to move to Delaware with Vaughn-”

“Right, right,” he cut her off. “I remember. Sorry, go ahead.”

“Thank you,” she said curtly. “So, I’ve been thinking about our kiss, and-”

Once more, he interrupted her. This was just getting annoying. “Annie, look, I know I’ve been giving… pretty mixed signals about my feelings for you, or if I even have any, but lately I’ve taken a good look at myself, and realised that it would never really feel right to be with you. For many reasons, none of which are your fault. It’s just that you’re much younger than me, and you often feel like a little sister to me - as well as a friend, of course - so I’m sorry, but-”

“Jeff.” Her firm tone silenced him.

There, she thought. How does it feel to be interrupted?

“I don’t want to be with you either!”

“Really?” he checked. “Because it wouldn’t be your fault if you did, I’m the one who needs to keep whatever feelings I have for you in check. Plus, I mean, I wouldn’t blame you…”

She rolled her eyes, but a smile began creeping onto her face. “I swear. I was going to say that I’ve been thinking about that kiss because of how, back then, I thought I really liked you. In a romantic way, I mean. But recently, I’ve realised that I just made myself think I liked you, even loved you. I wanted to convince myself I could be attracted to men, so just like with Troy in high school, I picked an unattainable - or so I thought - man. In his case: someone cool and popular who I thought would never notice ‘little Annie Aderal.’ With you, a cool, older guy who just saw me as a child.”

“Annie.” Jeff’s tone was serious but not annoyed. “Are you saying what I think you are?”

She nodded, her lips a thin line. “I’m a lesbian, Jeff. I really hope this doesn’t change things between us, although, honestly, knowing you don’t want to be with me is a big relief, because I was worried I’d break your heart or make things weird, but…” She paused. She was getting ahead of herself. “Well, have I made things weird?”

“Of course you haven’t! Thank you for telling me, that was really brave, especially if you thought I was still interested in you.”

“Thanks,” she said. She quickly added, “It’s not that I thought you’d react really badly. I don’t see you as someone who thinks he’s somehow entitled to any women he has feelings for, but still… I didn’t want to hurt you.”

He stood up, walking around to her side of the table, presumably to remove the physical and metaphorical distance between them, and gesturing for her to stand up as well, which she did. “You haven’t hurt me at all, Annie, I promise. I care about you, so much, even - no, especially - as a friend, and I just want you to be happy. Even if I was madly in love with you - which, thankfully, I’m not - I could never be upset at you, or anyone, for this.”

Annie could feel tears forming in her eyes. “Aww, Jeff!” She practically threw herself at him, wrapping him in a tight hug which he happily returned, laughing.

“Okay, we don’t have to make this all dramatic,” he said, but Annie was sure he sounded a bit choked up.

They came apart, smiling at each other for a few seconds before Jeff hesitantly reached out and gave her a pat on the head. “For old time’s sake,” he explained.

Annie had never felt happier while being given a head pat, which didn’t say much, she knew, but it was accurate, as she’d probably felt happier in general at some point in her life. Still, this was definitely in her top ten.

That night, she crossed off Jeff’s name, remembering the days she would doodle hearts as she wrote down his name, or paired her first and his last. This time, she instead drew a little smiley face. That was far more accurate, she thought. The thought of Jeff no longer made her heart flutter in her chest, but he made her smile, and she was more than happy with that.

[ophelia-and-the-damned]

I’m aware that on a lot of academia and aesthetic blogs, owners hesitate to post social justice because it doesn’t “fit with their theme.” Furthermore, some people on here aren’t comfortable talking politics, and will avoid discussions about activism.

Just to make it absolutely clear to anyone who even slightly stumbles into my account, yes, I am pro-LGBTQIA+ (The T and A DO belong, Terfs DNI), black lives DO matter, COVID is NOT a conspiracy created by your Asian neighbors and fellow citizens, the vaccine is NOT a microchip and does save lives, the actions at the border are monstrous and need to be handled no matter who is in charge, women in America STILL have a long way to go before we can be treated as equals to men (look up stories about women trying to get permanent sterilizations and then tell me that sexism doesn’t exist in the medical US of A), women should ALWAYS have access to abortion, the actions by lawmakers in Texas ARE monstrous, Russia is NOT a conservative utopia, it’s actually terrible to live in if you’re a member of a marginalized community (??? Can’t believe I’ve seen people argue this), and there DOES need to be police reform and defunding, no matter how radical that sounds.

I’m far left. I think I actually qualify as a philosophical anarchist on the political spectrum. I know to a lot of people this might sound aggressive, particularly if you come from a traditionally white suburbia like I do. But please do some research, into the BLM movement, critical race theory, modern gender theory, the impacts of colonialism and how they affect us even now, racial objectification in the media, etc. Look into the origin of police forces. Learn why the new Texas abortion laws are so destructive to the foundations of our country (if you live in the US, of course).

I hate to have to post this, because I know I’m coming off as just another white girl whining on tumblr about things she “doesn’t have a stake in” and a lot of people on here would say something like “have loyalty to your race” (this site has a huge neonazi problem). But I do have a stake in this. My fellow college students come from all kinds of backgrounds. I’ve met people from all over the world, like Vietnam and France and Morocco and India, and they’re important to me because they’re all part of my community. I’m queer (Pan-romantic demisexual), a good amount of my friends are LGBT, and of course, I am a woman. I’m a human being. Of course I want to see other people treated like human beings. Pretending that everything is fine is only making it worse.

I can’t post any of this on my social media that has my real name, because my family would fucking kill me (very conservative background, my mother nearly disowned me when she found out that I had a crush on a girl in middle school). I accidentally admitted that I’m newly vegetarian at a family gathering and they all lost their minds over something as small as that. I had a breakdown regarding the treatment of BLM protestors back in June and my mother threatened to cancel my college application because she thought I was being dramatic. I know that it’s still bad that I have to hide this away, and I guess that this can be viewed as a kind of confession because I feel an intense amount of guilt about it. White silence is a real thing and by posting stuff like this anonymously I’m only committing to the problem. Donating and voting can only go so far. We as a society have to be vocal, but I’m just not in a place where I can do that right now, and I’m sorry.

That being said, expect a ton more social justice posts from now on. I really try to focus in on articles that I think people should read and links to donation services to help get people more funding. I don’t use tumblr a lot but when I do I try to do stuff like this at least semi often. This isn’t really an aesthetic blog, it’s just a collection of things that I care about. And I really care about this.

Again, I don’t really feel like it’s my place to say some of this stuff. White voices shouldn’t drown out POC voices. But I just want to make this absolutely clear for anyone that happens to stop by. I picked the name Ophelia and the Damned because I like focusing on the concept of “others” in literature, ones that cis white male authors tend to portray as stepping stones for the protagonist (hence, Ophelia). So Neo-Nazis, Terfs, pedophiles, racists, transphobes, homophobes, sexists, and other people of hate, DNI. I’m not interested in hearing your viewpoint. If your voice can’t come from a place of empathy, then why bother speaking at all?