#but then also i'm like maybe i'm aro bc i've never had a crush on anyone that i actually wanted to escalate into romance

[svtskneecaps]

my sexuality is everyone else's problem bc god knows i gave up

[our-aroace-experience]

Hi!

So i'm aroace - I've known this for years and I've known this since the end of yr 6/beginning of highscool/yr 7 and am quite open about it and most of my close friends know about how i am aroace.

Along with this I have never rlly been interested in romantic relationships - they never seemed all that interesting and even as a kid I could never be bothered to force myself into having crushes (smth ik that some other aro ppl tend to do) or ever thought of the idea of not having romance as being unappealing/sad. I've also never really had strong desires for sexual relationships - to me sex was smth that was overdramatised (like in p0rn, books or fanfiction), something that i was mildly curious about but would most likely never have due to not wanting to have to look for a sexual partner and sometimes feeling borderline freaked out at the thought of being with another person like that.

However I have been curious about QPRs before - until recentrly I didn't know too much about them though after I learnt more I thought that I would want to have one - though I've never really known who I would get into one with/how to ask someone to be in one with me.

Recently there is this girl who I am friends with who I think I would like to be in a QPR with - we've been friends since around 2022 and she's awesome! I rlly love spending time with her and all of that + I think that being in a QPR wouldn't change too much other then maybe one or two ways that we interact + having a label on it.

However she is allo and though ik that allo ppl can be in QPRs and also she isn't a huge romantic and has only had like, 1 crush a year ago, I also know that she probably doesn't know what a QPR means and I wouldn't want her to think that it would get in a huge way of if she even did want to have a romance ig?(I don't see this as likely bc to my knowledge she's had 1 crush throughout her entire life + moved on fast afterwards and hasn't rlly had another one but I don't rlly understand romance and ik that ppl can get crushes whenever and stuff).

I also happen to be a very nervous person - meaning that if I had to ask + tell her what a QPR is I would most likely chicken out or feel extremely anxious and not even finish or give her information that wasn't 100% correct.

Also she's smart enough to do her own research and stuff (which considering how bad i am at explaining things would be for the best) but she wouldn't do research if she didn't think it was all that relavant to her. By that I mean like - she knows what being aroace is, but she doesn't know a lot of in-depth stuff bc she just asked me some questions and to her knowing her friends feelings was enough. And I have very little idea of how to casually drop the words Queer Platonic Relationship so that she will just go and do some research for it.

Plus I wouldn't want to make her uncomfortable bc she could liken me asking to a confession even tho it's not rlly one + if we were to be in one we happen to go to a school that has both a younger and older sibling which could end up meaning that even if she understood they could end up thinking she's queer and idk how her family would take that/I wouldn't want her to get in trouble or anything.

i’m not sure if you want advice or just to vent, since you didn’t specify, so i’ll just say that if you wanted you can try mentioning qprs in a context not related to you and see what she says, and go from there. good luck!

[oatflatwhite]

Absolutely feel free to not answer but I was wondering how you grew more comfortable being aro/ace? I’m 22 and ace (maybe aro too idk) and I recently ended an on again off again relationship and I am questioning if I ever felt anything towards him in the first place. Im kinda scared bc I love romance but idk if I’ll ever experience it? I wish I was as secure as you seem to be. Thank u in advance 🙂

hey anon :) thank you for reaching out! it's a really hard feeling to come to grips with so i hope i can help in at least a small way.

id'ing as aroace has been quite the journey for me. i've known i was ace for the longest time, but there was a period of several years where i denied even that (thanks 2016 tumblr discourse). eventually i realised that certain feelings would just never happen to me and that was ok - because i could still have romance, right? well!

i think it was around 2021 i kind of thought hold on. i've lived 23 years on this goddamn earth and don't think i've ever had a real romantic feeling/urge for someone who wasn't a fictional character/someone i didn't "force" myself to like because everyone in high school has crushes, right? so i thought about it and just went oh. oh! and it almost felt as though a weight came off my shoulders. like, yes, i was fucking bummed to realise i would probably never fall in storybook love. but there was this sense of a burden i could unshoulder because suddenly i wasn't beholden to the need to find that love, you know? i could just. be me. and even though it might make me sad sometimes, it's enough.

since then i've been up and down about it, absolutely. i even had a brief period last year where i convinced myself i actually did like this guy in real life! through a comedy of errors i realised that romance in my head was fine but any kind of real life interaction in that vein made me sick to my stomach fr lol. (for real! he had to drive me home in my own goddamn car bc i felt so ill.) i still get upset about it sometimes too. i mean, all i write is romance. i read and watch a lot of romance too. romance is every fucking where and it is so ingrained to be a part of everyone's lives that to try and distance yourself from it in order to feel more comfortable not feeling it is. virtually impossible.

where i am right now, 26 years old, 10 years into my ace journey and about 3 into my aro one, is here: i like my life. i love my friends. i can't force myself into a feeling that i will never have. and maybe at times i will be lonely and sad about it, but building a community has helped so much. whether that's with other aro/ace people, or just your friends or family or anyone else you trust with this. because romantic love =/= personal fulfilment, happiness, success. we've just been told it does. it just takes work to make yourself believe otherwise.

and it's ok to be sad about it. but even if you feel lonely, you're not alone.

also, because i'm nothing if not a girl who loves a bibliography, i would recommend checking out these sources:

loveless by alice oseman

ace: what asexuality reveals about desire, society and the meaning of sex by angela chen

this essay by k.a. cook

and pinging a couple blogs with some good aro resources, though i'm sure there's more out there! @aroworlds @arowitharrows

[infinitystation]

it's been a LONG time since i've made any sort of personal post but i wanna ramble a bit! i've never felt more relief than finally deciding to use the term aro for myself after fighting with it on and off for at least 5 years. i'm not sure WHY it's so relieving but it is!

(under the cut bc it's long, i genuinely havent spoken here in like. years. even stopped talking on my sideblog bc i feel a bit safer on a private twitter for personal posts...)

the way i found out was a little hilarious but i am Not going into all that here that's for my private twitter, long story short someone made a post along the lines of "romance is something you FEEL not something you DO" and i was like. wait what the hell you guys Feel a crush you don't just Make one?? OH THAT'S MAKES WAY MORE FUCKING SENSE- *(&$@#)*&%^* quickly realized i had spent my whole life trying to Make crushes oops. there's more to it but that's the extremely simplified version

i had a big relief when realizing my sexuality and gender too but this one was a lot different for some reason. maybe because i'm older now? i'm not really sure. could have also been because i've been fighting with it for so long. i did the same with gender stuff too but it never felt like this big revelation, it was a lot slower and easier to come to terms with. this one made me reevaluate my entire life and go "ohhhhh that's what i was doing wrong all those years" lmao

i dont think i've ever loved myself so much since realizing this. fuck the loveless aro thing (shoutout to you guys tho, just couldnt be me), i am SO full of love. now i realize what was wrong the whole time! trying to put people above other people and put them in the Special Love category was fucking me up, love doesnt need to fall into special categories with certain terms and conditions, it can just be whatever i want it to be and as strong as it wants to be without it ever leaving the "platonic" stage and i love that. realizing that my friends are the closest people in my life and that doesn't have to change has been so nice. no more "you'll find someone Even More Special" these are just my favorite people! i love them! we dont have to get into a relationship to make it The Specialest Relationship, what we have is enough

i am also having way more fun headcanoning characters tbh, that's a silly point but it's a fun one. i never fully understood the "giving your faves your identity" thing bc i just did whatever i saw fit regardless of whether it was MY identity or not, but making random characters aro is awesome. not all of them, i'm a big fan of fictional relationships (relationships are super fun from a distance i love smacking my guys together like barbie dolls). but taking my old inkling oc and making him aro? that has made me so fucking happy. rip to his boyfriend FKJHG

[aromantic-diaries]

Hey, sorry to bother you but I feel like i might be on the aro/ace spec and I wanted to share my experiences and see if you or maybe other aro/ace spec people have had a similar experience and can help me find a label for myself.

So, ever since I was really little (around 5 years old) I always thought that I HAD to feel romantic feelings and that I HAD to get a partner of the opposite sex because I would see people being romantic to the opposite sex in public and a few kids shows had 2 character of the opposite sex who were romantic with eachother and stuff like that so I thought that if I didn't have a partner or atleast feel the attraction that i would be a failure to society (I was a weird kid with an intresting way if thinking). Because i didn't want to be a failure to society ,in kindergarten up until grade 1 I would try and feel romantic feelings and try to get attention from my "crushes" which I'll just call my victims bc I didn't really like them( I think I was just attention seeking. )Once I got to grade 1 I started to realize that I didn't NEED to get a boyfriend or something so I stopped. I was a really confusing little kid, constantly wanting attention from my victims but never feeling attraction and when they DID show/express their attraction to me I would get mad and break their heart.

Eventually I found out that gay people existed (bc I had no idea that was even possible) and I was like: ":0 that's so intresting" but I didn't think much of it until I felt like I could've been one and I currently think that I have a "crush" on a friend of mine of the same sex. Even though I have always on the outside expressed how weird I think romantic and sexual attraction is, I can't help but still want to feel those feeling even though I don't feel them. I have been able to force myself to feel romantic feelings (I think the feeling that I once felt for a victim was romantic but Idk. I heard that people feel "butterflies in their stomach" which i assumed was similar to the feeling of being on a rollercoaster while your face was warm so I was able to make myself feel that I guess.) And it felt good but I felt like I was lying to myself or something. I don't feel that feeling with the friend that I have a "crush" on but I've been able to force myself to feel it a little sometimes.

I'm so confused and I wanted to know if you or other aro/ace people have had similar experiences (of trying to force yourself to feel romantic or sexual feelings even if you are somewhat repulsed by it or think that it's weird) and I want to know if their is a certain label for this so that I can feel less confused (and so that my friends and family can feel less confused bc I try to tell them how I feel and they say that I'm weird and make no sense)

Sorry if this was too long or made no sense. I'm not good at summarizing and I consider myself a very confusing person (also sorry for bad punctuation and Grammer ;-;) anyways, whether you respond to this or not I hope you have a good day/night.

Hi! Choosing people to have a crush on is a pretty common experience for aros, I only did it once but when it happened I remember I just randomly decided that I should have a crush on someone so I looked around and picked someone. It's sort of a "this is what everyone else is doing so this is how I fit in, right?" thing for most people. Cause yeah it's kind of expected from everyone

As for forcing those feelings, I think I sort of know what you mean, if I think about it hard enough I can kind of placebo myself into feeling that sensation of having butterflies in my stomach and I have convinced myself that I felt romantic attraction before even though it wasn't real or genuine and was more of an imitation of it. I don't know if there's a specific label for it but I'm pretty sure I've experienced it before and there's probably other aros in the same boat, so you're not alone with this.

[aroaceconfessions]

TW: slurs, death threats, typical bullying stuff

on my 11th birthday, during 5th grade, there was this giant fight between my classmates because a friend of my bully told my friend that he liked her but because she was associated with me, his friends got mad at him and then my friend's friend got mad at him which caused his friends to be mad at her and it sorta spiraled from there with my classmates getting into fights over crushes and I watched the chaos unfold

at the time, I didn't know that I was aro, and both at the time and now I thought it was an over-exaggeration, but I still don't quite think that would've been the normal situation if my bullies weren't so dramatic so it's probably not an allo thing and was just a "these specific people are weird" kinda thing

anyway, because of this fight, people started making assumptions about who had a crush on who, it was weird, but eventually someone got to me and assumed I had a crush on my bully and I was so genuinely hurt by that that I almost punched the guy in the face, the only thing stopping me was school rules against physical violence (verbal death threats and drawing yourself murdering a classmate are okay but tag is banned bc someone tagged a little too hard once).

I've seen so many other aros talk about how enemies to lovers is the superior trope, but as someone with experience of having someone that wanted me dead, tried to get everyone else to turn against me, and frankly made my life a living hell while I also hated him for what he would do to me and wanted so badly for him to disappear (aka, an enemy), I could never get behind the enemies to lovers trope. To me, it sounds like rebranded "he's only bullying you because he likes you!" I see nothing wrong with liking stories like that but the amount of the conversation that goes "it is objective fact that enemies to lover is the only good romance trope" is troubling to me (or even worse: "much more relatable/realistic"). It's never "I like enemies to lovers more than other tropes," it is always objective language used. It feels like that classmate telling me that I must have a crush on the guy that called me dyke and fag because that's "just how it works." I'm not mad at anyone who likes the enemies to lovers trope, there is no possible way they could know who I am or how it affects me and I'm not gonna tell someone to stop enjoying something because I don't like it. I know people are going to get defensive about this so I want to make it very clear that I have no ill will to anyone and maybe you don't see this trope this way and that's fine, fiction is very much open to interpretation. I just wanted to get my thoughts about it out there and maybe there will be someone who can relate, maybe I can help others who feel the same feel less alone.

this is also not a invitation to argue or debate this with me, I could never be in the right headspace to defend how my trauma affected me, so please don't tell me I'm wrong about something this subjective and personal. I'm not trying to say anyone who likes enemies to lovers is wrong or morally corrupted or that they've never been bullied or harassed, this is just my experience. I know I sound like a broken record with that but I really just want to make it clear.

[raedas]

hey i was just wondering how you figured out you were aro?? no pressure if you’re uncomfortable sharing of course ! but i’m kind of questioning and i thought maybe hearing other people’s experiences might help. and also i was in a relationship for almost a year so that’s probably somewhat significant and additionally complicating ahaha <333

hey anon!! first and foremost good luck with figuring everything out <33 i know at least for me, questioning can be a long and hard and typically ongoing process, but we'll make it through :] i'm gonna stick the rest of my answer beneath the read more bc im getting the sense im gonna go on for a bit FGDHLKSFAJ

one of the biggest things for me that i think is necessary to preface everything is that i've never really had an "oh" moment like some people talk about. there's never been a moment where i saw a label or a flag and was 100% sure i fit into that box, its more like... years worth of questioning and then the internal meter in my head slowly ticking over. like, when i was figuring out i was queer, i maybe started questioning in like... fifth grade you could say? but it started as more of a "oh im definitely not but like What if" and then gradually began to tick more and more towards "oh i think i might not be cishet" to eventually when i hit the... idk, 80% or 90% certainty mark it was more of a "fuck it, im queer" feeling. there's always going to be that bit of doubt for me, i think, and coming to terms with being aro was very similar for me in that regards

another thing is i was ALSO in a relationship for almost a year, and that's during the time when i was coming to terms with being aro/arospec, which im sure you can imagine was an Experience. i do think being in a relationship was the best thing for me trying to figure out i was aro though, bc i definitely got that sense of Wrongness of trying to think of myself as existing in a romantic relationship. like, when i thought of myself as having a romantic partner, it always felt a bit like i was playing at a part and acting like i had romantic feelings more than i actually did. of course that came with.. a lot of me trying to ignore my own feelings and feeling guilty about it up until i broke up with my now ex (this is like the funniest inside joke ever to us now dw) so that's where i was coming from w/ my experiences

i also began to realize that like, whenever i try to imagine myself in a romantic relationship, its always in some ambiguous future like 10 or so years down the line, which completely distances myself from the idea. i have no idea what a romantic relationship with someone would look like for me, it was just this idea of "yeah, someday in an ambiguous future ill have a romantic relationship with someone and we'll cook together and hug each other and have fun" until i realized that i don't actually want a romantic relationship, and also that... none of those things that i actually envisioned are exclusive to a romantic relationship. in my life ive had a grand total of 2 crushes, both of which were/are queerplatonic but also like... if i imagine having an Actual relationship its just stressful to me and not even really appealing, despite the fact that i have a crush on them.

one of the most important things im coming to terms is that its okay if im wrong, its okay if however many years down the line i find out that im actually entirely allo and fall in love with someone. like i said i dont know if ill ever be 100% confident in my own labels especially with the whole issue of "how do you prove a negative". for now, though, calling myself aro is something that makes me happy and feels, most of the time, accurate. another really important thing i think is that aromanticism is entirely a spectrum. you could be aromantic or arospec in a billion different ways*, or you could be none of them, and thats okay too <333 good luck with everything anon i hope hearing about my experiences helped a bit :]

[royallygray]

I realized I was ace when I saw the term. "lack of experiencing sexual attraction". yup. checks out. I've been ace ever since.

I've identified with aegosexual and ace-spec over the years, but always still ace. Sexual attraction bewilders me. I do not understand how some people look at some people, possibly even strangers, and just go "ah yes. they are attractive. I would like to bang them." like what

I realized I was aromantic recently. I've been biromantic for ages. I've identified as arospec for a little while, since I found it weird that I haven't had a crush on anyone. I am interested in pursuing some type of romantic relationship, even if just to try it out. I also had a girlfriend (Serret) and we were dating because we both were like "neither of us have ever had a crush and you're pretty and I really like talking with you and also flirting is fun".

Recently I googled what the average age to get your first crush is. "First crushes generally occur around 10-13 years of age."

I am older than 10-13 years of age. And I have never had a crush. And really have no interest in it.

And that was when I realized that I haven't experienced romantic attraction. Like. yes. I've looked at people and went "they're pretty." and then I was like "I could go on a date with them. if I got to know them better first."

I have deemed that I am technically cupiobiromantic because I am intrigued by the concept of a romantic relationship but I have not experienced a crush. And tribute to bi-ness is important.

The reason I think I didn't realize this sooner is because my irl best friend is literally aroace. Half of my friend group is literally ace, if not also aro.

Crushes have never been a topic for this chaotic neurodivergent queer friendgroup.

Except for me and my one friend in texting bc I think romantic relationships and attraction are interesting from like a science standpoint and I was like "what does crush feel like" because I am Curious

I didn't relate.

Also I like teasing her. It's fun.

The way I see irl romantic relationships and also sex as a concept is really interesting to me because I am so so just intrigued by it. I mostly described how I watch romantic relationships above, but that's also how I view sex.

Like. It's so... scientifically intriguing to me? probably because I can't relate? like why would you share your private parts with a stranger? firstly, how do you have the confidence in your own body, and secondly, why would you be willing to risk the germs?

I think I just lost my Duolingo streak

I used 400 gems to buy two streak freezes. that better have been worth it.

I have a 338 day streak. I can't stop now.

Anyways I'm really interested in sex ed and properly educating people on it. I have a very strange educational standpoint on sex. And it grosses out my other ace friends but I'm very strangely intrigued. Maybe a side effect of being aegosexual but it definitely could just be me.

I wanna do something, just for fun (and also inspired by a post i saw somewhere on here that i forgot about) for pride month; even tho its super late now lol

Please reblog for bigger sample size!!

[aro-culture-is]

Am I aro spec?

I've been trying to understand myself more and why compare to everyone else, I don't end up with that many crushes? Well, even with the crushes I have they're still fuzzy and I can't fully remember them.

My first crush was like at 5 or so, and it was the kind where it's kind of obsessive? All I know in was a heavy interest and mostly took up my time for a few months? idk it was long, but I got over it. This is the only one that I'm fully think is a crush without a doubt. Then again, I found out I'm autistic now, so it could be a crush and that was heavily affected by that???

I know had one interest in a older family friend, but like... It wasn't big as my first one. It was still pretty clear I liked him as kid. Sometimes I remember as a vague, but it could because it's distant memory. (My head hurts thinking about it sorry)

Then I had a friendship around the same age as 5 or 6 that kinda fell into qpr (not very good one since I was major toxic brat at 5)? I didn't really had a crush on him, but "pretend things" is something I didn't mind with roleplaying. I have kids my own age being interest in me, but I don't remember feeling anything for them other than I don't mind them being "romantic" to me (honestly, I didn't get it bc like... I'm 5-6 and while clearly interested in the "happily ever after", it didn't... Click with anyone since my first crush?)

Fast forward to 9/10 where I felt kinda left out since everyone had a crush and boyfriend while I'm left out of it (Ik young and stupid, but eh...), so I did try to have a bf the same age as me over the net (yes yes, I know it was very dumb of me, but I was young and I thought maybe I'll it fix my situation) . It was nice, but I realize that I was to young and never had "romantic" love for him so I broke up over text (and never chatted with him again).

Ever since those interactions I started questioning at 11-13 if I was aroflux or cupio since I never really had crushes at much. I also thought I was bi at the time for some reason? So I tried bi-something aroflux and left it at that for a while before dropping it later. Reasons why is because I felt like I was trying to be apart of something and since I didn't have enough dating experience while also experiencing attraction to fictional characters I couldn't possibly be aro-spec. Oh yeah, since I thought I was ready for a relationship and I needed one to be attracted, I thought I was demi until I realize I could have primary attraction.

So in highschool is when I started to experiencing more feelings that made me switch between bi, heteroromantic, hetero-flexible which made me super confused and muddled. All I took from it now is that I'm definitely allosexual and possibly just het, but also the fact that when I experience romantic attract I felt overwhelmed with it. It also happened like one year then two years later it happens, but I feel disconnected with it and repulsed even though in thought I don't mind being in romantic relationships.

idk my head hurts thinking about it

hi,

the only one who can determine if you're aro-spec is you. From what I can tell, it sounds like you experienced the phenomena known as "puppy love" as a kid - a pretty common thing where a young kid gets super attached to a specific person, or the idea of that person. i've gotten really mixed descriptions from others as to if that is romantic in nature, so I'd err on the side of caution and say it can be but is not exclusively a romantic thing, and from the feedback i've received from alloros, is generally not later considered romantic attraction.

It sounds like your late elementary and overall middle school experiences are honestly pretty classic for many people, alloro and aro alike. Questioning and doing things that don't necessarily feel like good choices as much as things that you have to do to fit in? Super, super common throughout that time.

As far as this section goes, however:

when I experience romantic attract I felt overwhelmed with it. It also happened like one year then two years later it happens, but I feel disconnected with it and repulsed even though in thought I don't mind being in romantic relationships.

this sounds extremely similar to descriptions I've heard from various aro-spec individuals, primarily those who identify as grayromantic now.

ultimately, I would advise that it really isn't a big deal to just... hang out near or in communities you find helpful, whether or not you later identify with them. it's okay to not know everything about yourself. time alone doesn't always help - but having a supportive space of your questioning can be invaluable for so many parts of life.

i hope that this helps, and i invite others to respond as well. feel free to scroll through experiences in the #am i aro tag.

mod kee

[bookwyrminspiration]

The short period of time in which Linh was briefly used as a “rival“ for Sophie bc Fitz and Dex seemed to have a crush on her absolutely scarred me.

oh so it wasn't just me? other people also hated this dynamic? I swear so much of the marketing for this series has become the romantic drama that it's been forced on every single character.

No one is safe, including Linh. And she didn't even know! She was existing and Fitz and Dex said "wow" a lot and then suddenly it was like she was this rival to Sophie in terms of romance, but the kind you can't hate because they're so sweet. I'm 90% sure this was for dramatic effect and Linh never actually presented a "threat" to Sophie and Fitz's relationship, and was instead to elicit a specific reaction from the readers.

I'm unsure whether or not it was intentional, but I've debated with myself back and forth of whether Tam was introduced in kind of the same way (seeing as they were introduced together it makes some sense). Allow me to explicate. Linh was a sweet, new character. Soft and gentle and attractive, the model of femininity (despite living in the woods and being malnourished for several years), something Sophie herself has never been able to achieve in the same way; Linh is conventionally desirable. Sophie thinks of herself as unimportant and unassuming, awkward and blundering, the opposite of everything attractive. So Shannon played into this, setting Linh up as a way for Sophie to reflect on herself and even be jealous--though I don't think that aspect really made an impact. The ease and control linh had was enviable, especially when Sophie had been struggling so hard to figure things out with Fitz and be clear about what she wanted.

And there he was, casually complimenting her (he may have blushed a few times but I don't remember), impressed. Sophie wanted that and didn't realize she had it.

Going back to my point about Tam. At times it feels like he was introduced as a possible love interest that Shannon set up and never took advantage of. Specifically his lines like when he talked about Keefe "winning her over" and the "nightly flirting sessions." His composure reminded me of Keefe (and Dex) in those moments when he would comment on the tension between Fitz and Sophie, and it just felt off. Again, this is entirely my own opinion and observations, so you may see it entirely differently. But he commented on her love life enough at first in the same way other characters had that it seemed he would become part of it. I'm very glad he didn't--I love sotam, but I usually prefer it platonic (also it would've made the story even more complicated)--but I've never been able to shake the suspicion that's where he was heading at first.

back to Linh though!! That brief section of the series where she was seen as a possible threat to sophitz felt weird and I personally didn't think it was taken advantage of to its full potential. In essence, I think it was reduced to the love triangle and romantic drama of the series when it could've been about Sophie's struggles with her self-image and taking a step back, realizing the problem is not with Linh but instead she's been using Linh as a source of hatred and doubt in herself. Have you ever had the experience where someone annoyed you or bothered you for a reason you couldn't determine and then later realized it was because they reminded you of something you didn't like about yourself? And you felt bad the entire time because you knew there was no reason to dislike the other person? I think it could've been one of those things if explored more.

i'm biased as an aro person, but a lot of the romance in the series makes me go huh? what? why? and this was one of them. apparently for allos there's romance in everything or something--idk what's up with them/y'all. (this is not meant to be mean I'm genuinely wondering. I don't know what being allo is like so maybe this is a more normal thing??)

[wearequeer-andwearehere]

hi there ryan!

from a questioning person who's had more identity crisis' than they could count😭 -

i'm a girl, and when i was about twelve or thirteen or so, there was this girl i've thought for years i've had a crush on. i really wanted to be close to her and for her to trust me w/ stuff, and i thought she was pretty, and i'd look at her a lot because of it, and i thought sometimes that it'd be nice to kiss her (like, on the lips but with our months closed, i'm ace-)

anyways- i've identified as pan for the longest time but now i'm realizing that i don't think i've had a crush on anyone or ever will? like, that girl was the first person i've felt that way about but i have the same thoughts about other people w/ different gender identities that ive previously thought i've had a crush on before: they're attractive, itd be nice to kiss them

but like. that's all. i only recently even found out that people weren't kidding when they talked about butterflies in their stomach or getting nervous around crushes n stuff. my parents never let me engage w/ any media relating to predominantly to romance and i never really enjoyed engaging w/ it either as i grew up, so i didn't really know what crushing on someone was supposed to feel like, then i looked it up and realized that it doesn't sound like i've ever had a crush? it sounds like i really want to be friends (i have one close-ish friend and i've always struggled making friends and i'm basically perpetually lonely), and i can like envision myself kissing them but now i've realized that i can do that w/ anyone, like i thought it'd be nice to kiss those certain people when i thought about that in regards to them - but i don't know if that qualifies as a crush yk?

i think i might be aroace? maybe mostly ace? because whenever i think of a romantic relationship i just want one where it's a friendship but we kiss on the lips and cuddle sometimes. is that a qpr? a normal friendship? dude idk at this point, i know you're just another teen (i'm 15 - that's too old to never have had a crush on anyone right? like i don't think i will, ever, because the whole concept of it sounds foreign to me, bc i don't think i've ever felt that way but this all hinges on whether or not i have actually felt that way, like, when i think i have had crushes - idk if they were crushes yk - i still cant see myself falling for someone the way my friends do and characters do, so honestly idk) but ive been stressing about this for years and i really have no clue what's going on, maybe you could help v confused me?

Heya there anon :D

You can read this, this, and look through my #aromantic questioning tag if you want!

Hmm yeah that doesn’t really qualify as a crush 

Ayyyo that’s awesome my dude, being aroace is so cool :D

Hmm it’s really whatever you want it to be really, like it sounds like it could be queerplatonic? Maybe do some reading on qprs and altérons attraction see if it sounds familiar!

Fifteen isn’t too old to have never had a crush tbh, there are lots of people who don’t first experience romantic attraction until much older! I’m not saying this to discredit your aromanticism but yeah fifteen isn’t too old at all!!

Hmm yeah mate it sounds like you’re possibly aromantic. I suggest reading the posts I’ve linked above, also following some aro blogs @/arosuggestions is a good place to start!! And reading more about apterous attraction, etc, see if you relate!

Tbh my advice is try on the label, say “Im aro” and see how it feels!!

Hope I could help you out, lmk if you have any more questions and have a great day/night :D

[wasflypaw]

Been thinking more about my sexuality n stuff and. I think I'm somewhere in the Bi-Pan range bc I Do think about dating ppl of any gender. I have thoughts of being in a relationship sometimes. I like the thought of dates and cuddles and.. intimacy. But despite this I Havent Ever felt genuine Romantic Attraction - however this might be bc I havent found the right person?? Maybe,,,?? And I think my old crushes were just. Me really liking someone platonically. With sexual attraction it's even weirder bc I'm Not sex repulsed At All and I Do have those feelings I'm just not interested in a Sexual Relationship and I have also never felt genuine Sexual Attraction to anyone including partners I've had in the past. (...as a kid) Dont get me started on Gender.

I think it comes down to "the idea of relationships, sexual or romantic, is cool until it actually happens and then I realize just how uninterested I actually am" but this might also be due to the fact that ... I've Only been in relationships as a literal kid and in those relationships I just kinda liked my partner as a friend?? But the idea of us being in a relationship felt Good and I'd enjoy drawing us together and stuff

My whole confusion is towards "how can I be bi or pan if I'm on the aro or ace spectrum" and "have I just never felt sexual/romantic attraction yet or am I never going to feel it ever"

I'm just rambling at this point

[asexual-society]

I’m non-binary aroace and I’ve been in a close relationship with a cis gay man for a few months. I have a squish and for me this relationship is important because for the first time I’m able to built close bond having an open identity and understanding myself as aroace. The other person is also experiencing intense and intimate emotions and for him it’s a new type of relationship and a little bit confusing because as an allo person he doesn’t separate sexual attraction from romantic attraction (and all other types of attraction). Recently we had a conversation where I told him that I have a non-romantic and non sexual physical attraction to him. I would like to hug ,cuddle, kiss him (not on the lips) and I would like him to show the same to me. I explained that aroace people can feel this type of attraction as a part of intimate connection with a person. For me, this is a manifestation of tenderness. I also assured him that if he is uncomfortable with it, then our relationship can remain at the same level of closeness as before. The person said that he was afraid of physical close contact with me, because he thought that he might begin to feel romantic or sexual attraction to me and that he needed time to get used to this new information. A few weeks have passed, and there is still some strange awkward physical distance between us. We still hug when we meet and say goodbye and give each other a high five, but it's not always clear to me how and when I can touch him and he seems to be trying not to touch me by accident. Now I think that I shouldn't have talked so openly about my attraction and that I scared the person away and made everything awkward? Should I bring up the topic of physical intimacy again or just let the relationship develop as it is? I would really like to know how aroace folks discuss physical attraction with their allo squishes/partners/close friends. Thank you in advance for the answer ★

I'm absolutely the wrong person to be answering this unfortunately, I've never been in this situation, the closest comparable thing for me was before I realised I was ace and one of my friends told my """crush""" that I liked him (heavy quotation marks bc it was not a crush, I just didn't know that at the time). He was also one of my best friends but didn't feel the same way (in fact he liked me as a friend, but I didn't really understand what I was feeling), and the whole thing set our friendship back several months. He was always a complete gentleman about it, and although (for unrelated reasons) we rarely see eachother these days, he's still one of my favourite people. I can't say I handled it particularly well, essentially we never really spoke about it again, and I just pined for a couple of years and then went. hey isn't it weird I never had a crush after that? (cue aro panic). But it did turn out okay, we're fine now!

It's probably a little awkward now if he doesn't feel the same way, or didn't fully understand and maybe felt like you were coming onto him, but it sounds like you guys are pretty close so I expect whatever you do it'll be okay in the end. You could talk to him to make sure he's okay in case he felt uncomfortable, but it's not your fault, you shouldn't feel guilty, these things just happen sometimes. You could just say something like "hey, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I really care about you, so I hope we're okay" and go from there (if it were me I'd probably make a light self-depricating joke about being a dickhead but again, I don't really do Talking). Feelings are weird and awkward sometimes so I hope it works out for you (or at least it works better than my Never Talk About This At All Costs approach, which has successfully avoided some awkward conversations but is otherwise not very helpful).

If anyone else has some better advice than whatever this is, please (please) go ahead, I am just an emotionally constipated nerd that someone gave access to this blog.

- mod key

[mrskurono]

Three hi! how are you? Its me again 98Anon 😁❤️ I just thought i would update u a little about my journey.... ive been very happy lately,, ever since i finally accepted that i like women. I also want a gf like i've never been this desperate before it hurts lol 😭 the thing is, im still figuring out if im on the aro spectrum but for now i just label myself as queer and i know that i want to be with a girl!!! aaah i feel so much better now, my heads clearer and i even find myself daydreaming about doing cute stuff with my non existent gf 😖 im so much happier (grinning ear to ear happy) when i think about being in a relationship with a girl tbh... i cant even imagine myself with a guy anymore (aside from my anime crushes) bcs im uncomfy around them and they make me cringe.

you know what i just realized? i've always been attracted to girls and i was clueless throughout my whole life! 😭 when i was young i remembered paying more attention to women than men when a spicy scene comes on screen 😭😭😭 also when i was in hs a friend asked "whats the first thing you'll do if u become a guy?" and my answer was pursue girls and treat them right like... thats kinda fruity??? ooohh i also remember taking "am i bisexual quiz" when i was like 15 or sumthn 🤔 i was convinced im just a "great ally" my whole life!

sorry if it took sooooo long i have no one to talk about this aaah i got too excited i guess..? im sorry 😅 i hope ur healthy and doing well its a been a while ❤️❤️☺️

(last one i promise, theres a time where i cried when i saw videos of girls being inlove and the other one was when i was listening to a sapphic song... and i cant even explain why )

lots of love from 98ANON 🌹

That's so great to hear! And honestly you deserve all the love of a sweet girlfriend! I hope you are able to find your own lgbtq+ space and make friends and maybe even find someone special to you <3 I know that finally accepting yourself is almost like a breath of fresh air. As ridiculous as it sounds. It's like a light bulb going off and then just relief and almost contentedness.

I felt the same way when I finally realized there were fat lesbians/hairy lesbians/masculine looking lesbians that just so happened to look like that but were still super feminine and girly. For so long I felt like I "had" to be butch bc well, I like women, and I look like this. I couldn't be the petite, appealing, girly looking lesbian people thought of when they assumed someone was gay. I could be muscly, broad and hairy and still be just as important as the tiny little "pillow princesses" bc it didn't matter. I could just be me. So I totally get the relief of finding yourself out and how wonderful it is! And I'm so happy you found it too!

Here's to lots of queer encounters and love and friendships 💖🏳‍🌈

[pop-punklouis]

Why is figuring out ones sexuality so fucking difficult, it's taken me 6 fucking years to grow comfortable with the idea of being bi JUST to now question if I'm actually just fucking aro/ace because in my 21 years of living I had maybe two crushes very VERY young that I'm not even sure were real and not just heteronormative bullshit fed to me by everyone around me and I've NEVER really wanted to date when I was a teen when that tends to be the time people want to do it the most

And like, I COULD be ace, but I could also be demi and just not know bc ive never been comfortable letting people in, which is ANOTHER thing. Is it just my intimacy and trust issues getting in the way or is it sexuality related? I want to be in love with someone and I crave feeling close but do I REALLY? Or is it just what i shld be wanting according to everyone around me so I ~do. I just, Idk anymore I'm so fucking tired of questioning this. Ive been doing this since I was 12, I want a break

ugh, i completely come from a similar direction regarding my sexuality. i think there’s also this air of pressure around LGBTQ+ where it feels as though you have to have everything figured out by a certain age or you’re not formally a part of the community or not a “real bisexual” or “real lesbian” or etc., etc. it’s all bullshit. follow and trust your own timeline and inner-self. sexuality is so so fluid, and you don’t have to lock yourself into one identity. that puts unnecessary pressure on you and can be incredibly overwhelming. don’t feel bad for questioning. don’t get frustrated thinking there’s something wrong. trust yourself and your timeline! how you’re feeling is valid and true to YOU. fuck what other expectation or standard that’s been painted for you by the outside world say.

[sociallyawkward--fics]

I really enjoy the entire concept of being in love, like? It just seems Good? Idk man in practice it's weird and :/ and sounds kinda fake but in a metaphorical context where it's perfect in a way? That shit's great? The absolute willingness to do just about anything to make someone happy? Being soft? Idk, I've never been In Love (romantically, obvs I love friends and such) and crushes are like :/, I've not had one. Anyway I'm just feeling the concept of love to and needed to express it. ily ~S

Anyway am I some kind of Aro? Probably. But Romantic Love as a concept? 👌👌👌👌👌 ~S

Hey so like, not having energy? Valid. Take literally as long as you need!! And the stress? Also Valid, it really sucks when people don't actually listen and just get upset. Woo~ aro-spectrum club. I came to that conclusion mostly because of talk about crushes and stuff and I'm just like, huh, weird, sounds kinda fake. But like if someone I was friends with was like, hey I like you, I'd probably be like okay. Cool. bc I'm not opposed to the idea of dating? ~S

I honestly don't think I'd ever actually really pursue a relationship bc feeling things is weird and I haven't? And obviously that's fine. Idk most of my feelings about dating/relationships is curiosity, but not like, for "Normal" reasons. Just I'm intrigued as to what it'd be like to date someone????? Idk man. Feeling are Weird. Anyway? Thanks? For allowing me a place to give weird rambles? Idk, weirdly personal stuff? You're wonderful????? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ❤️💛💛💚💙💜 ~S

Woo bad things, being ace is obviously a thing, bc like, you exist, I also exist, my sibling exists. It sucks when people Do That. Like. It costs Zero (0) dollars to not invalidate people's identities, and it costs all of my respect for you to do so. Am I commenting on all the things? Yes. I'm in a talking mood, and all the people that I enjoy talking to don't live in my house and randomly messaging people (not you tho) about stuff is weird sometimes. Also it's 12am. Idk ~S

Also (and I realize that I'm maybe spamming you, apologies, even though you say it's fine, I don't want you to feel obligated to respond), I'm done high school!!! Friday was the last day!!!! I'm gonna graduate!!!!!!!! I'm only kinda hype, and tbh it's mostly bc I don't have to do school work. But I'm going to university next year!! I'm gonna be a Highschool math teacher!!! Probably!! It'll be Fun, probably. I love you!!!!!!!!! ~S

I love you!!!!!!!!!!!! ~S

Good job on writing!!!!!!! I'm very proud of you!!!!!!! ~S

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I also enjoy the concept of being in love (romantically) very much lol, as is probably evident by how much shipping fic I write lol. I’m also probably a hopeless romantic despite the fact that I fall somewhere on the heavier side of the aro spectrum and can never figure out what I’m feeling lol, I’d like to have a romantic relationship someday.

Also, with your dating curiosity and such, aromatism has that second spectrum just like asexuality does, with “romance repulsed” “romance ambivalent” “romance positive” and all that, but it’s up to you to decide where you fall there. But you have all the time in the world to figure it out, and even if you never find some label that fits you totally right, or you never find a label at all, that’s okay too. You know who you are and what you experience, and your identity and experiences are valid no matter what!!

Also yeah, my friend’s mom was honestly already on thin ice with me (not that she knew that), but now I’ve lost just about all respect for her that I used to have as a kid. Like, she thinks she’s so progressive and “woke” and so informed, but she’s really not and invalidates a lot of people, and says a lot of -phobic things towards all sorts of things and I’m like,,,,, “your house was The Place to escape as a kid because you weren’t as bad as my parents, but now I understand you are just as bad, just in a different way” and it’s frustrating to have this experience with an adult (or, I guess, adultier adult, since I’m an adult now) I used to trust more than my own parents lol.

1) I never mind you “spamming” me, I love hearing from y’all, it just sometimes takes a little longer to respond because brain goes “oh many messages must wait” lol, but I really don’t mind!!

2) CONGRATS!!! I’m so proud of you, you did it!!! You did amazing!! I hope you’re proud of yourself, too!! Good luck at university! I know you’ll do great, and you’ll make a great teacher!!

I love you too!!!!

Thank you!!! <3