#but then again because they upload frequently weeks seem to fly by

[pinofdnp]

what do you mean the gaming channel has been back for half a year already???

[hermette-historian]

It's important to look deeply at the near-death experiences that the series has had in order to understand how it has grown, why it has changed the way that it did, and the reasoning behind some of the decisions that the members continue to make to this day. In looking at history we also find the answers to some of the greatest mysteries of the series, as well as some of the most frequently asked and vaguely answered questions. With that in mind:

What Really Killed Hermitcraft Season 1?

Episode 1: Death of a Bachelor

If you ask Xisuma why the first season ended, he will say in no uncertain terms that it was the loss of their founder and leader GenerikB. And he's right.

GB's final episode of Hermitcraft aired on April 20, 2013; the same date as Jessassin's, though that seems to have been pure coincidence. In it he states that he is leaving because while he is still in love with the game, the vanilla version just..wasn't doing it for him anymore. He was done with that world, ready for something fresh and exciting to be added, and to him that meant mods. To this day, he still plays modded Minecraft over on Twitch! But after he left Hermitcraft, he never really went back to vanilla. More importantly, he also implies that while the server may go on in his absence, he finds it unlikely to continue long term-true to his prediction, the series floundered without direction for another month before Xisuma uploaded his final video on June 2 of that year. Hermitcraft officially died with the disappearance of its namesake.

Here's where we look deeper, because while GB's departure may have been the straw that broke the camel's back it was by no means the only reason the season ended. Just digging deeper into each of his reasons for leaving, we can see the storm brewing as far back as November of the previous year.

Episode 2: The Call of Cthulhu

What happened in November, you ask? Modded Minecraft happened. More specifically, the extremely popular modpack Feed the Beast was released beta at that time, and the Hermits at large wasted zero time in getting in on the action. There was within a month a dedicated "Hermitcraft Feed the Beast" server, from which a few hermits were added to the vanilla counterpart retroactively: Juicetra and Skyzm among them. Other members included Hypno, Topmass, DMAC, and of course GB...FTB quickly consumed the working lives of the Hermits; it was the first experience many of them had with a real modpack, and it introduced mechanics they could only dream about having in the survival game (like flying, for instance). Content on the vanilla server began to slow down. It didn't help that none of the hermits were full time creators in 2013-their time was limited, and when they were able to spend it doing the things they wanted to do that ended up being FTB. Some members such as DMAC promised more vanilla content once the craze was over, but the "craze" never stopped and he ended up going full months without putting out vanilla episodes. The FTB server had its own issues and ended up dying of technical problems and rollbacks later down the line, but it alone played a massive part first in boosting Hermitcraft Vanilla, then slowly choking it to death.

But there is one more unsung murderer when it comes to the grave demise of Hermitcraft Season 1: the game itself.

Episode 3: If I Die Young

When Dinnerbone joined Hermitcraft in summer 2012, he requested that they begin to update through snapshots instead of waiting for full releases-presumably so that he could use them as a test server. The decision to honor his suggestion, however, was a divisive one. Some members jumped on the opportunity! GB and Red3yz in particular were beyond excited to test everything from new terrain generation to redstone mechanics. Others like Xisuma and Biffa were more cautious, preferring to wait until the game was ready to play in a way that would be fulfilling to them. Still others-Joe Hills among them-were excited at first...then fell quickly into the opposite camp when half of their house spontaneously went missing and occasionally they couldn't craft anything with the wooden planks. The snapshots proved to be glitchy as all hell and an administrative nightmare, creating little but endless stress for GB on admin duty and Hypno in the world edit repair department. But they stuck with it! Hermitcraft continued to update through every single snapshot from 1.3 until 1.5, each new week bringing a new set of uncertainties and challenges to overcome. For a group of creators that were already fatigued with vanilla and focused on something more interesting, it's easy to see how this kind of thing would force a divide between them and the server...nobody wants to create content on a game that's unnecessarily difficult on a good day.

Of course, there were other little things that drove the Hermits away from its original phase. A big one for GB that goes unmentioned was definitely the state of his base: the original that he spent nearly a year building was burnt to the ground during the conflict with TEA and redone in creative mode by Topmass and the Pimp my Minecraft team. Not only did this cause controversy among the fans like you wouldn't believe, it left little for him to do in the world where his own creations were largely gone altogether. Other Hermits like Jess ran out of inspiration or burned out in a more typical fashion.

Thus in June of 2013, just over a year after its original inception, Hermitcraft died.

On the third day it rose again, dragged by the ears near single-handedly out of the grave by the person with the most determination to see it succeed. A new era began of rebuilding on a solid foundation, with dignity intact and lessons learned, a stronger brand, a clear distinction, and no snapshots. Eventually, they would have a new leader. But these things will all take time.

Hermitcraft beta was doomed by being built on sand instead of rock. It was strangled by the game itself, a victim of circumstance and false promises and opportunity. It died and came back stronger. And once every year or two, it feels the need to do so again.

Here's to Season 8, and many more to come.

[oneoftheprettynerds]

Devout Worshipper: Dark! Peter Parker x Professor!Reader

A/N: So this girl here tried something else. I’ve been wanting to upload since long but this got delayed a lot and now I have several WIPs but finished this first. Sorry not proofread. I’m still discovering my writing style and my forte and thank you for staying and witnessing my experiments! Wear safety goggles please.

Summary: The best of all the educators yet, both smart and stunning, became Peter’s mentor in university. Peter grew too much of a liking for her, from a clingy scholar to her devout worshipper.

WARNING: STORY AHEAD HAS NON-CON, KIDNAPPING, POSSIBLE DRUGGING, UNHEALTHY BEHAVIOUR, OBSESSION. DNI IF TRIGGERED.

You sat on the teacher’s desk, going through the latest thesis published by Dr. Banner last week. He had given you one of the several copies and asked you to go through it and your judgement on it. The classroom was slowly filling in as the scholars stacked in, their buzzes growing loud with each passing trice.

You were on the last paragraph of your current page when a slight thump made you break out of your stupor, you tilted your head up to find a brawny youngster leaning in front of you, with his hand planted beside your ass on the ebony desk. He had blonde locks with grey eyes and was definitely a sports’ team captain, basketball you believed, who had his own posse of wannabes behind him.

You kept the paper down in your lap and met his eyes again with an inquiring look. “Yes?”

“You seem new. Me and my guys will save you a seat at the back, so come there when your little reading session is over, babe.” He said smugly, his eyes brimming with mischievousness as they dipped to your cleavage not-so-subtly and stood there gawking while he awaited your response.

You paused to see the whole class had gone quiet watching your encounter with the jock. You gave him a sickly-sweet smile as you nodded shyly for show and he tapped your knee with his other hand before leaving. As soon as his back faced you, you rolled your eyes so hard at his antics you heard the first-benchers gasp. You could still hear him talking to his ‘friends’, “I love myself a badass girl like her.”

You returned to your thesis but before you could finish the last few sentences, the bell rung and you had to stop. Thanks blondie.

You got down from the desk, jumping on your black heels as you made your way over to the door, closing it as lock clicked into place.

The entire class was watching you with quizzical glances as you stood in front of your desk this time and wrung your hands together, “Good morning class and congratulation on making it to your second year in college, I will be your mentor and also your lecturer for biology for this semester and for those who pass, also their next one.” The entire class’ jaw slackened and you giggled lightly as waited for them to digest the news, and then told them your name.

“I know a lot of you see science itself as a chore but since you’ve already taken it, I suggest you try to pay attention as you will have to study it anyways. However, because I can relate to your struggles, I will try my best to be a companion or advisor, whichever way you prefer it, and help you get through the class with flying colours hopefully. So, ask me anything, no matter how stupid or absurd you believe your doubt or query is. I’ll answer as many times as you ask and trust me when I say that I am a woman of my word. You have any questions for the semester?” You finished with a bright smile on your face as you saw the students in the front relax slightly. At least you had their approval.

“Ma’am” The blonde kid started without raising his hand, stressing the word unnecessarily as he and his horde sniggered at some stupid inside joke, and continued, “Can I have your number?”

Some of the students gulped while the others leaned forward interested in your response. That kid thought he could fluster you by putting you in a weird spot. He smirked arrogantly, leaning back in his chair as you raised your eyebrows.

“That, Mr.?” You paused as you lingered for his answer, which came almost immediately.

“Flash Thompson, but you can call me whatever you want baby.”

His friends hooted at his pickup line, some praising his smoothness while some high-fived him.

“That, Mr. Thompson, is an excellent example of the stupid questions I mentioned formerly. Thank you for helping me make it clearer to the rest of the class, an extra point for you in the first grading assignment.”

His face fell as his jaw ticked and you turned to face the rest of the class again, “Though I suppose I will give you my number but for emergency purposes only, you can contact me on my e-mail though which I will be using most frequently. You are supposed to mail me majority of your papers this semester and the grading pattern is expected to change this time around but I will inform you of that when the time for the first assignment comes around. Any other questions, and if possible, a bit wiser ones?”

Peter knew he liked you that day. You were attractive and stunning, yes, that too in the natural way, without make-up and tight clothes. But of course, there was more to you than that, you were smart and witty, hence a young lecturer in this esteemed college and you being a science enthusiast as well was like chocolate chips on top of a well baked dessert. You were spirited and jaunty and your sardonic and sassy replies were never degrading or humiliating. The five-year difference between you and the class made you their elder sibling rather than professor.

The first benchers worshipped your intellect while the last benchers adored your sarcasm. Everyone could see how you gave your all to teach, every trick for learning, showing real skeletons and organs in formalin, easily becoming the favourite mentor ever. You could easily be labelled as the university’s crush of the year.

But Peter soon began to despise that. The perverted comments by the students and jealous, snarky remarks by the plastics irked him. He was enraged by the geeks admiring you but baffled all the more by the strange palette of emotions he had never suffered before.

The sheer envy he was sinking in had never even surfaced while he dated Liz or MJ. For him you were a Goddess, tons divine than his exes or any other female for that matter, who should be properly worshipped and treasured.

He knew these sentiments weren’t right, but in this twisted world where he had combatted with unnatural beings and seen unimaginable horrors, he began to believe morality is just fiction used by the herd of inferior men to hold back the few superior men.

It was the last day before spring break and no matter how much your pupils loved you, it wasn’t enough for them to not get distracted and murmur around. Only half of your entire class’s strength came and that half somehow managed to create more ruckus than usual. Even you were minutes late, not in the mood to teach this aloof and uninterested batch of youngsters.

You sat on the table and crossed your legs, which was somewhat your habit that you weren’t really proud of but continued to indulge in nonetheless, and cleared your throat times to catch the attention of the unmindfully fantasizing students.

The baritone of the males and shrieky pitches of the females made you clutch your head. You were sure going to end with disprin at the end of day. You clapped loudly and effectively so, gathered the class’s attention, but by the roll of their eyes and glares on their faces, you deduced they weren’t happy. Who would have thought?

“Okay, before you all slaughter me to the netherworld with your lethal gazes, let me make it clear that no teaching will commence today.” The class hollered appreciatively and whistled, while you paused to let them do so. Teaching on the last day before a vacation was like speaking to yourself only but with the consequence of your name being added to several hitlists.

“I’ll distribute the graded assignments submitted last Thursday and then, since I’m required to clock thirty minutes of educating at the bare minimum, we can play something, maybe you have some talents to show, principles to mock or some gossip to attend to.” The college kids laughed at your poor joke, perhaps too thrilled for their break that nothing could make their mood sour. “We’ll see accordingly, but first, raise your hand when I say your name, I want to learn at least the names of the students who bothered to come to uni on the concluding day.”

You distributed the papers back, making sure to associate each name with a face and the students took them stuffing it straight inside, not bothering to check their scoring and possibly wreck their mood.

“Peter Parker?” A hand raised in the second last row shyly, a flustered boy with glasses on his nose and a hoodie covering his head. He barely made eye contact and you smiled at his nervy, edgy form hoping to ease him a bit. Your heels sounded heavy against the few stairs as you made your way to the back, the class buzzing with laughs as students barely paid you any heed.

The draught of epinephrine Peter felt was unlike anything he had ever felt before, nothing like the anxiety on the battlefield or the excessive sweating while impressing Mr. Stark. The apprehension he felt was decuple that.

It’s not like he had never talked to you afore, he constantly asked clever doubts, which he knew the answer to already, of course, to make an impression on you, but that was with a two feet and 7.5 inches of teacher’s desk in between. Yes, he measured. He had even made sure a couple times, let’s be honest, more than several times that his Goddess had arrived her fascinating abode safely.

But this time, they’d be hardly half a foot apart and the anticipation was tearing him apart. He did want her close, in all ways possible, but was he ready enough to not make a fool of himself? All his previous conversations were thought out meticulously and beforehand but was ready for a spontaneous interaction?

“Good job, Smart Cookie.” You mused at Peter with a wink and dropped the paper on his desk as he looked at you with those innocent, doe-eyes of his, his cheeks and nose a tad bit rouge.

Peter’s hearing ability got lost as the sound of his heart pumping blood filled his tympanum. He could only watch you retreat back to the front of the class, your hips swaying invitingly in that damned black pencil skirt as you called another person’s name.

Smart Cookie was his favourite nickname now.

It was pretty late when you left the university premises, finishing up all you had to and even preparing for your first week of teaching after vacation because you knew how procrastinating errands went.

You couldn’t almost believe how you were on the adult end of things, making sure and guiding other people. With the job, came a lot of obligations that you had to fulfil and being responsible was hard, really demanding. You suddenly had a lot of reverence for all the teachers in your life, from kindergarten to your degrees.

You were on a sabbatical from research temporarily, signing a teaching contract for three years minimum and you were satisfies with the refreshment. Interacting young, curious minds was almost like a recreational activity you indulged in free time and the various angles they approached science at even taught you something. The scholars found it in themselves to even question well-established biology.

Slightly humming, you made a mental checklist of what all was left to do for your solo, self-discovering trip the next week. All that you should pack, clothes according to the weather in the hills and enough emergency eatables. Maybe you could revisit the work-in-progress papers of yours or maybe it would be a leisure excursion only.

Only you never made it to your flight.

 The pounding of your head made a thrumming noise in your head, increasing its tempo and volume with each passing instant. Your eyelids felt heavy and opening them felt like a chore, which even more difficult considering the light that flooded your vision with every bit they opened. Your senses felt overwhelmed being burdened and strained with their everyday tasks after what you assumed to be at least hours of inactivity.

The sudden spike of pain shooting in your head made you jerk your hand to clutch your throbbing forehead, only to fail and find your hands bounded to something. They weren’t cuffed or shackled, nothing dug in your wrist either. Maybe a rope but the texture wasn’t rough enough. After what felt like minutes, you opened your eyes and sat up, as straight as your confined self could, and looked around.

The room was shades of grey and blue, a giant bed was where you were sitting. The giant ceiling to floor windows beside you, cast enough moonlight in the bedroom for you to see the entire bedroom. The view outside was so picturesque, that you had been gawking were you not afraid of your surroundings. You could discern you were high up, with how small the vehicles looked and another wave terror ran through you.

A white desk with a blue chair had a laptop atop it, also sitting beside several books. You would have noticed them being your subject and recommendation but you were scanning your brain as to how you landed here. With your vision now clearer, you saw your restraints to be like silk but no matter how hard you pulled, they didn’t snap.

You were full on panicking and staring wide eyed when the laptop entered your vision again. There was no other electronic except it and you calmed yourself to think rationally. Deep breaths, in and out. Your best bet right now was to hope that the laptop was connected to someone’s wifi.

You slid off the edge of the bed and tried to cut the weird silk ropes with bedside table’s corner. It took some time but you succeeded, your hands freed from the poster of the bed as you made your way towards the laptop, after checking the locked door of course.

Another wave of panic ran through you when the laptop wasn’t connected to anything and all available connections were password protected. You noticed the laptop to be brand new, and of a very expensive company that was out of your budget. You also noticed the OS was very different, not the usual Windows you ran. Your AI Cortana in this overpriced gadget, was named Karen.

You still refused to wait for your captor to show up and snooped to find something on the laptop, anything. There was no profile of the owner but you did manage to find at least three GB of videos and images.

Your hands froze and eyes widened when you saw the security footage of your building’s outside, the little bakery’s neon sign confirming the location. The videos were the same, of you entering and exiting every day, just the dates on the videos varied.

Another folder had clips with the same dates, but they were in the lobby of your apartment, your potted plants outside your door the affirmation again. It showed you getting milks and newspaper every morning, ordering take out several days and placing the garbage bags outside.

The earliest date in each folder was after your first month of moving here, second week of teaching probably.

When you opened the third folder, as the video started your hands covered your mouth as you tried your best to hold back the sob and making a noise. The screen showed two camera screens, both inside your apartment. The first showed the living room clearly and your kitchen and you concluded it to be behind some article on the bookshelf.

The other screen showed your bedroom.

You could still see the floral bedsheet with the white quilt atop it. Your red suitcase that you took out from the storage for your trip this morning, resting beside the wall. Your lamp switched on from when you mayhap left it on, already late for the last day of work. As the time hit 12 AM at the bottom of the screen, the video ended and played again. There were even more folders and you wondered how far would the surveillance go, till your bathroom?

Your abductor had live footage of your house being sent to his laptop and that scared you shitless. This was not a random crime, that ransom could end. You were here for something, some sick purpose you didn’t even know. Was this a hate crime? Would you even make it-

“I really wish you hadn’t looked there.”

The deep, familiar voice amplified your fear and you turned your head slowly, almost comically to look at him. Another gasp escaped your lips as you found warm eyes of your student and brows furrowed in confusion and fear when you saw the deranged lust in his eyes. Was this some sick prank?

“What am I doing here and what is this?” You gestured to the screen playing footages of the inside of your house. Seeing someone familiar and the probability of this being a prank should have calmed you somewhat but the revolting trick and the strange darkness in the boy’s eyes made you even more wary.

As he took a step closer, you hastily climbed out of the chair and backed away, nearing the bed again as he locked the door and closed in on you. He made a move to snatch you and you jumped to the other side of the bed barely missing him by an inch. You reached for the door hoping to find it unlocked but it didn’t even budge.

You pulled even harder while being painfully aware of how that kid from your class just sat on the bed and observed, having the utmost confidence in the door. Your frenzied state got a jump-scare when a female voice broke the silence, “Authorization to access locked doors is granted to Mr. Parker only, please refrain from damaging the property, Mam.”

So some tech-boy with a rich background is set on you?

“Please sit on the bed and I’ll explain, please.”

His doe eyes would have fooled you were you not extremely aware of your environment due to the adrenaline coursing through your arteries. He was an exceptionally good actor, you had to give him that. You prided yourself to be an excellent judge of character and here this guy had deceived you for three months.

The AI called him Parker, what was his name again?

Patrick? Peyton? Peter? Yes, Peter Parker.

“Peter?” You softly called out and his eyes widened as a blush crept up to his cheeks as he relished the fact that you remembered his name. You sighed internally, praying that this was a case of a harmless crush gone wrong and he was just innocently hopeful. The image of his dark, lust covered eyes crossed your mind to make an argument but you pushed it aside to calm your nerves and stay as relaxed as you possibly could with all that was happening.

“I know that this is all a big misunderstanding but you are really scaring me here. Can you please at least let me out of this room to somewhere open?” You looked at him, hoping to talk him down and get out. You didn’t think he would hurt you but you weren’t willing to take any chances with this maniacal youngster either.

“I’m sorry but I can’t do that, you’ll run.”

Of course, you’ll run, who wouldn’t?

“Peter, boy, listen to me-”

“No, you listen to me! I admit the situation isn’t ideal and you’re probably terrified because of your meddling but this is all for you! I’m here to protect you! The world out there isn’t safe and your heavenly self needs to be resuscitated.”

“Peter, you’re not making any sense. I’m an adult, older than you and you need to understand boundaries-”

“I’ve seen the way of the world, trust me, in fact, far more than you have! Did you know that raping and murdering women on Asgard is considered a common crime? How Hydra is kidnapping young, bright women to exploit them for breeding projects? How the Red Skull resurfaced and his ideals now include eradicating women from Earth as well?”

“Pete-”

“No, you don’t know! You are just blissfully unaware of this world, so oblivious you don’t even how know the perverted and debauched comments your own class makes?”

His outburst frightened you as you felt yourself losing control of the situation, maybe you never were in control. But now the unleashed fury on Peter’s face told you that had triggered an irrevocable topic.

“Calm down, it’s alright.” You said quietly, hoping to ease him again but his steps towards made you back up yourself to the other side of the bed.

“You, You are still scared of me, aren’t you? You still don’t understand, do you? I’ll show you, show you how much I worship you, the true extent of my devotion.” Every ludicrous declaration of his bit away your hope of getting out.

As he approached you again from the foot of the bed, you jumped across the bed again, hoping to reprise your stunt from before. However, your jumping halted midway as something glued your right wrist to the headboard and you jerked due to inertia of movement. As your eyes looked to your hand, the same silky rope met your vision.

You did not have the time or the wits to ponder over the fluid, about how your abductor shot it or how it wouldn’t budge no matter how hard you pulled. A hand on your ankle prompted you to try one last time as you screamed as loud as you could, for as long as your lungs allowed.

“It won’t work, Mr. Stark got me a soundproofed apartment. Pretty cool, right?”

A sob wracked through your entire frame as the tears descended, the frustration and hopelessness and dread, all attacking you at once. Your legs kicked and flexed and when your left fist swung, he restrained all your limbs after dodging, of course.

“I just want to love you, is it too much too ask?” He asked in a quiet whisper, his hands undressing you cloth by cloth; first unzipping the side of your pencil skirt and unwrapping it, then unbuttoning your blouse. When he brought out a pocket knife, your eyes instinctively closed, a “Please don’t hurt me” falling from your lips.

“Never.” He replied with absolute assurance.

The blade cut through your blouse first, leaving you in your garments while Peter sat back on his knees to admire you. You’ve been flattered with the adoration in his eyes had you not gone through the mayhem that you had.

His hand caressed your curves, feeling the soft skin underneath as he took his time admiring you, committing each feature to memory while your tears poured, your eyes never leaving the knife he held.

The blade invaded your privacy once again as it took away your last pieces of defense, leaving you utterly nude and your cries wreaked havoc in the otherwise quiet room. Your eyes found Peter face and you noticed his eyes twinkling in admiration trailing up and down your body several times. His disciple complex was scaring you, you almost bordered considering his Goddess belief.

“So stunning.” He whispered as he came down to kiss you, his lips meeting yours in this bruising embrace of both your mouths and as he began to undress himself simultaneously, his dramatics became the least of your concerns. The thought of the inevitable future made home in your mind and gave you one last bout of courage to try and fight.

The restraints on your limbs didn’t even budge and every fleck of hope deserted your body when you saw the chiseled abs on his scarred torso, his biceps bulging and silently warning you into staying put. He made quick work of his remaining outfit and his hard, angry member was bigger than you had anticipated.

You had not expected a stereotypical nerd to be packing, with muscles and brawns, hardly to even expect him to be the largest among the ones you had ever experienced.

“Please don’t.” You mumbled, defeated, knowing he would not listen. You closed your eyes expecting the intrusion to get it over with. You were caught off handed when you felt him shift and devour into your pussy. He feasted like a man famished, his tongue leaving no area unlapped. The sparks in your abdomen made you queasy and giddy at the same time, you could barely open your eyes due to the intensity of his actions and when he added two of his shockingly calloused fingers, you let go of the coil in mere seconds.

Your limbs sat limp while your vision whitened, your mind foggy and hazy, deprived of all sensibility. When his thick thighs rested on top of yours, your gaze ascended to meet his already staring pupils, the warm, honey brown orbs now a black abyss. You couldn’t even protest in your blissful state as lined himself and entered your cavern, which was lubricated enough courtesy of him.

The stretch burned but as he rocked himself and thrusted with a rhythm, the pleasure started building from scratch. Each push was sturdier than the last and every spot he hit managed to make your breath hitch. Your hands and legs freed as the fluid perhaps melted but the last of your energy was being used by you to stay conscious. When he descended to kiss you once again and trailed kisses to your collarbone, your hands held onto him for support, his biceps providing anchor to you, made of pure muscle.

His teeth bruised your skin as he lightly bit your neck, reaching his end and releasing his load. The warmth that filled you made you let go, his orgasm encouraging another one from you.

Your eyes drooped, your body filled with exhaustion due to all the struggling as you curled in to your side and wrapped your arms around yourself, trying to forget your abductor and the forceful, mind shattering ecstasy you felt. Your refused to think about the guilt and the uncertainty of your impending doom in the hands of this maniacal student of yours. You just wished for sleep, for some peace alone.

The wish of yours was not granted when you felt Peter slide behind you, his hand wrapping around your middle as if you were lover. You still gave into slumber, but not before feeling him peck your shoulder with a promise.

“This devotee of yours will worship you forever and always, Goddess.”

[ao3komorii]

Truth in Darkness (Zed/Reader)

Saving uploading my Sett story for last since it’s in 2 parts, so Zed is up next! I really like the Zed comic, so this oneshot is set in the canon of the comic. I tried to make everything able to be understood without reading the comic, but I do recommend it because it’s a great comic. Also just to set expectations if the only thing you know about Zed is him in-game, he’s a lot less edgy in the comic. Also, smut at the end.

----

It was hard to remember your life before you came to Thanjuul Monastery at the age of six. You could vaguely remember your parents taking you to a festival, and your mother braiding your hair. But you couldn’t remember what their faces looked like, or what their voices sounded like. It almost felt like you had spent your whole life within the monastery walls.

You had known that your parents would go away sometimes, leaving you to stay at a neighbor’s house. That, and any other familiar routine in your life was not meant to last, shattered by the man in blue that had come to knock on your neighbor’s door to inform them that your parents had gotten in an accident. You would later find out that they had been slaughtered by a demon while on a mission.

Your parents had been members of the Kinkou Order; tasked with maintaining the balance between the spirit and natural worlds. They had kept you away from their work, which had only made it worse for you when you were forced to leave your home behind to be taken to the monastery that would become your new home.

Your first few days at the monastery you had done nothing but cry. You had lost all sense of home and familiarity, and had only been taken in by the Kinkou out of obligation to your parents. You were not particularly wanted, or welcome.

You quickly became desperate to be useful, not wanting to be discarded again. You eagerly took any job that was sent your way, often sweeping floors and washing laundry to earn your keep.

You admired the members of the Order, clad in blue robes, as they sought to maintain balance in the world. The more chores you did, the more you idolized those who lived the life you could only dream of. At night, tired from the day’s work, you would dream about becoming an official member of the Kinkou, but you knew that Master Kusho, the leader of the Kinkou and current Eye of Twilight, had the final say.

Master Kusho led the Order efficiently, and had a lot of sway in regards to new members. You had seen him around the monastery, but had never talked to him. You had seen him training his son Shen, enviously wishing for the same opportunity. But as the years went by, you had yet to speak one word to Master Kusho, let alone receive any training from him.

By the age of fourteen, you had resigned yourself to doing chores in the day and training by yourself at night, hoping that you would eventually get a chance to prove yourself to a master. But all your secret training got you was stinging cuts that burned the next day when you scrubbed the floors. Nobody would give a poor orphaned servant girl the chance to prove herself.

You had trudged back to your room one day, too tired to go and train after sweeping the entire grounds of the monastery, when you heard the sounds of a fight. You crept back into the hallway, peering out to see two boys your age sparring. You immediately recognized the figure of Master Kusho’s son as he kicked forward, but his opponent was another story.

You craned your neck, trying to get a good look at the face of the silver-haired boy as he tried to block Shen’s attacks. Only when he fell did you recognize him at last; you had seen the boy before, washing dishes in the kitchen as you had gone to deliver a scroll to the cook. You had made brief eye contact with him then, but neither of you had said a word. You knew that the cook wouldn’t have permitted it anyways; you had once witnessed him chewing out a young servant girl for breathing too loudly and weren’t willing to do anything to gain his ire.

You had thought that he was a mere servant like you, but here he was, training with the son of the leader of the Kinkou. You went to bed with hope in your heart that it would be your turn to be noticed next. That you would be able to serve the Kinkou’s cause just as your parents had.

But the next day passed with no offers of training. And then the next day. By the time that a week had passed with no changes to your life, you had cried yourself to sleep for the first time since you were a child.

But the next morning, you wiped away your tears, your resolve hardened. There was nothing you could do but double down on your own training. You had no way of knowing if or when an offer would come your way, but you intended to be worthy of being a master’s student.

You began to hear whispers around the monastery of the new student that Master Kusho had taken on and began to train alongside his own son. You watched as Master Kusho would take the two boys with him on missions, and train them when they were on monastery grounds. You especially liked watching the two boys spar, trying to emulate their moves in your own solo training.

You had to admit that training by yourself was not as effective as if you had a master. You stared at the tree you had been practicing on, breathing heavily. You knew that you would never get better with a tree as an opponent; unruly spirits wouldn’t stand still and wait for you to take them down. A real opponent would require you to adapt your moves and strategies on the fly, which seemed almost unfathomable to you at your current skill level.

You had been staring at a whorl in the tree, lost in thought, when you were startled by the rustling of a bush near you. Turning sharply around, you clasped your hands in front of your chest as your mind spun with potential excuses for why you had been out here. It wasn’t technically against the rules for you to train without a master, but the Kinkou lived by a strict code, and you would be devastated if this was used as a reason to kick you out of the monastery.

Your hastily-prepared excuses died on your lips as you met eyes with the boy with the short silver hair that you had watched train for months now. You both stared at each other as you tried to think of something to say, but the boy broke the silence first.

“I’ve seen you before,” he said, almost seeming startled by his own words as he hastily continued on. “You’re a servant at the monastery.”

The word servant clung to your skin like a rash, and you looked down in shame at the reminder of your position. No matter what you did, you would be nothing but a lowly servant to the Kinkou.

Ashamed and embarrassed, you kept your head down as you tried to walk by him, but were stopped in your tracks by his voice.

“Wait!”

You looked back at him, and were surprised to see resolve in his face as he stared intently at you. You looked at him in confused silence for a long moment before he snapped out of it and spoke up again.

“Your kicks are too low.”

How long had he been standing in the brush for? You froze up, feeling self-conscious about the results of all of your training.

The boy offered you a shy smile. “I can help you if you want.”

“What?”

He gestured with his head towards the open space that you had been practicing in. He walked over to stand in front of the tree you had been practicing your moves on with you reluctantly following behind him.

He nodded at you before facing the tree again, taking a moment to position himself before kicking forward, his foot gently impacting the bark of the tree. Turning back to you, he motioned you forward.

“You need to position your leg higher,” he said, lifting his own leg momentarily to demonstrate his point. “When you aim so low, your kick will have much less power.”

“Oh… I never knew that,” you replied softly.

“I can help you train,” the boy offered, and you stared at him in shock.

“You don’t have to…” you trailed off, not wanting to impose on him, not when he probably had better things to do than teach a hopeless servant girl how to fight.

“You don’t have a master,” he said with a frown. “I’m nowhere near as skilled as my master, but I was just like you before he took me as an apprentice. Let me help you.”

“I…” Your desire to improve yourself was battling with your learned shyness from years of being invisible to those at the monastery. You wanted desperately to accept his offer of help, and finally allowed yourself to be convinced as you observed the earnestness in his eyes. “…okay.”

The boy smiled, and you found yourself smiling back at him. In the whole time that you had been here, you had never had someone be so nice to you. It was an odd feeling, but a pleasant one.

The boy reached a hand out towards you, and you stared at it for a moment before taking it into your own.

“My name is Govos.”

Shyly telling him your own name in return, you rejoiced internally at finally grasping a chance to become good enough to be a true member of the Kinkou.

You still did all your chores, but now you had something to look forward to. Govos still had his own training to do, and would frequently leave the monastery with Shen and Master Kusho on missions, but he made time to train with you whenever he could. His kindness had brought color into your world at last, and you quickly began to see improvement in your combat prowess.

Govos would tell you about his experiences outside of the monastery, about bringing supplies to villages and soothing troubled natural spirits. The more you heard from him, the more you wanted to be out there in the world, serving the Kinkou Order in a more significant way. But at the same time, you knew that you weren’t good enough yet, and you didn’t want to appeal to a master and get rejected.

So you dedicated yourself to training, whether with Govos or by yourself. You found yourself more often than not waiting near the entrance to the monastery when you knew Govos would be returning, relaxing only when you saw his face. You tried not to worry while he was gone, but you knew that deep down, you were afraid that he would leave and not return like your parents had.

You had been busy with the laundry when the air at the monastery suddenly grew tense. Your stomach burst out in knots as you heard the hushed voices while you went about delivering laundry.

“…so many dead…”

“…the golden demon…”

What had happened? Who had died? You had yet to see Govos, Shen, or even Master Kusho. You worried the entire day, scared that you had lost your only friend. You had been making small mistakes all day, so you had ended up finishing your work way later than usual. By that point, the sun had gone down with no sign of Govos returning, and you were so overcome with worry that you now found yourself sitting in the grass near the monastery entrance. You tried to pretend that you were just meditating, but you couldn’t fool yourself. You would probably stay here all night waiting for Govos to return.

The longer into the night that you stared at the arches that denoted the entrance of the monastery, the more blurry they started to look. You desperately tried to stay awake, but your mental stress throughout the day had tired you out more than you cared to admit, and soon keeping your eyes open was a challenge that you couldn’t overcome.

You didn’t realize that you had fallen asleep until you were gently prodded awake, the light beyond your eyelids telling you it was now morning. Opening your eyes, you saw Govos right in front of you, looking concerned. As soon as he noticed you were awake, his face relaxed.

“You’re back…” you murmured sleepily, a relieved smile coming to your lips.

“Were you here all night waiting?” he asked.

You sat up straighter, your back sore from sleeping against a tree all night. “I heard people saying there were deaths… I didn’t know…” you trailed off, feeling embarrassed that you had worried over nothing.

“There were deaths,” Govos confirmed solemnly. “We came upon a town on fire. There were so many wounded. My master said it was the work of the golden demon.”

“The golden demon…” you echoed as your gaze was drawn down to his collar, where a distinctive pendant hung on a simple cord.

Govos looked down at what you were looking at before looking back at you with a small smile on his face. “Master Kusho gave it to me after we took care of the surviving villagers. He said… he said that I was worthy of being the next Eye of Twilight. He gave me a new name, one befitting a Kinkou.”

You gasped in amazement; when you had first come across Govos, you had been jealous of the opportunities he had been given. But as the time went by and you had gotten closer, your jealousy had morphed into admiration. Now you just felt proud to have such a talented person as your friend.

“A new name?” you probed curiously.

“Usan,” he answered with a small smile.

“Usan,” you repeated, largely to yourself. “It fits you.”

After the appearance of the golden demon, your world began to shift rapidly. Usan was gone way more frequently, chasing after the demon alongside Shen and Master Kusho. Every time they came back, they got more and more frustrated with each failure to capture the creature. It was hard for you to remember the last time you had seen Usan smile. You couldn’t imagine the horrors he had seen chasing the trail of the murderous beast, but all you knew now was that you were slowly losing your friend to his seemingly-unending quest.

You had no choice but to accept your relationship with Usan for what it was, accepting whatever level of contact that he offered. You found yourself going back to that tree in the forest like you used to for training when Usan was gone. You would have preferred to train with him, but the skills you had learned from him over the years served you well. You knew that you could never have come this far on your own. You would improve your skills until you were at a level where a master could not refuse to take you on.

It was years of work, frustration, and many deaths before the golden demon was captured. You almost couldn’t believe it when Usan told you that the demon they had been chasing was not a demon, but a man. Khada Jhin was a monster in human form, and great care was taken to lock him securely away from society, in a location only known by Master Kusho and his two students.

You were relieved that the monster was caught, but Usan was not satisfied.

“He shouldn’t have been taken alive,” Usan spoke bitterly during your first training session together after Jhin’s capture. “If he ever escapes…”

“He shouldn’t,” you replied softly, as you handed him one of the wooden daggers you used to train with. “Only you three know where he’s imprisoned.”

You didn’t want to say more and further spoil your precious time with Usan, so neither of you brought up the doctrine of the Kinkou. The Kinkou Order existed to preserve the balance between man and spirit. Sometimes it was necessary to end a spirit’s life to end their pain, but Jhin was no spirit, nor demon. He was human, and it was not the Kinkou way to be the judge nor executioner of man.

You admitted silently that you were also unsatisfied with the humane capture of someone who had taken so many lives, but you had no say and no power. You didn’t even have a master. The Kinkou Order would not change its long-held rules just because you disagreed with them. You would be foolish to even try.

The Kinkou was all you had, which was another factor in your reluctant acceptance of the code. Without this place, you would have had nothing and nobody. If they had not taken you in, you may not have survived. Now you could only hope that you would eventually have the chance to join their cause.

But as you devoted yourself more to the Kinkou, Usan drifted farther away. Your talks of his differing ideals happened more and more frequently. You could tell he was getting closer to the edge every day, but what lay over that edge you did not know.

You had fully grown up in the temple, now almost twenty-four years old. You had lived at the temple for nearly seventeen years now, and still had little to show for it.

The world was in chaos like nothing before. Noxus was restless, hungry for war, and had begun to make strikes against cities on the Ionian coast. It would not take long before their armies would march onward, and the battle would be at your front door.

But Master Kusho would not compromise the Kinkou doctrine. The war was not the concern of the Kinkou. Disputes between men must be solved by men, not Kinkou, as the code demanded.

The added tensions in Ionia from the Noxian invaders had been having unfortunate effects on the spirit world as well, many more spirits than usual becoming restless and demon attacks increasing. The Kinkou were busy, and you never thought that number would include you until you found yourself standing before a master who had stopped you while you were sweeping floors.

“You have been here a long time,” he remarked, and you nodded politely.

Other than Usan, nobody talked to you much, so this was highly unusual. You were on edge, unsure of what to say to this man that had acknowledged your existence out of nowhere. You stayed deathly silent, afraid that even breathing too loudly would cause him to send you away.

“You serve the Kinkou, yet have no master?” he asked, and you shook your head. “I have need of an apprentice. I am getting older, and the spirits are no less calm, not with war on the horizon.”

“You want me?” you said shakily, desperately hoping that you weren’t dreaming.

“Master Kusho has advised me that you would be a capable apprentice,” he added. “His son has talked quite highly of your skills.”

Shen had talked to his father about you? But you had never sparred with Shen… all of your training was done in the forest, away from prying eyes. But this was what you had wanted, happening at last. You could think about what had led up to this later.

“I would be honored to be your student!” you answered with a low bow.

Your new master let you go with your promise to meet him the next morning to go out on your very first mission. You tried not to skip away with how excited you were, knowing your master’s eyes were on your back as you walked away.

It almost didn’t feel real. You had wanted to be a true member of the Kinkou for so long that it was hard to believe that this was really happening. You fast-walked around the monastery, looking for the head of silver hair that belonged to your closest friend. You had almost given up on finding him when you saw Usan enter through the monastery gates.

You rushed over to him, failing to notice his dour mood in your excitement. He seemed surprised by your abrupt approach, staring silently at you as he waited for you to speak first.

“Usan, it happened!” you exclaimed. “A master asked me to be his student! I’m finally a true Kinkou!”

His face darkened immediately, leaving you confused. You really thought he would be happy for you. Why was he acting like this?

“…Usan?”

He let out a short breath, looking away from you for a brief moment before meeting your worried gaze with an anger in his eyes that you didn’t understand.

“I’m leaving the Kinkou.”

“What?” Your body felt numb and cold, like your soul had left your body. You had finally joined him as a member of the Kinkou Order and he was… leaving?

“In the temple, there is a box… the Tears of the Shadow,” he said, leaving you no less confused. You knew that the Kinkou kept many artifacts within the catacombs of the temple, but you had never heard of that one.

“The shadow magic in that box… it has the power to change the tide of this war. To drive back the Noxian invaders.”

You began to get a sinking feeling in your stomach that you knew how his story would end, and you were not made to wait for long.

“We have the means to stop the Noxians and end this war, but Kusho insists that any action from the Kinkou would corrupt the balance of the scales.”

You noticed that he didn’t refer to Kusho as master, but said nothing.

“He may not care if the people of Ionia die, but I do!” Usan growled angrily. “The ideals of the Kinkou are flawed, and all of Ionia will die if nothing changes. I have no choice but to leave the Order.”

“Usan, please –” you appealed desperately, grasping his sleeve, terrified to lose him.

Your vision was blurring as tears collected in your eyes, and you saw Usan’s angry eyes soften for a moment before he shook off your grip.

“I’m sorry.”

And then he left, and you sank down to the ground, unable to do anything but weep for your lost friend, and yet unable to muster the will to follow him. You didn’t have his courage; the Kinkou were all you had. You would be lost without them.

You had finally achieved your dream, and just wanted Usan to congratulate you, to make him proud… you had never imagined this would happen. You had achieved the dream you had dedicated your life to, but had lost the person you cared about more than anything. Your happiness had fled with Usan’s retreating figure, leaving you numb.

Eventually, there was a hand on your shoulder. You looked up with sore eyes to see Shen, his expression painted with sadness.

“Usan has left,” he said, and you shut your eyes as another sob left your mouth.

Shen helped you to your feet, supporting your stumbling weight as he led you through the monastery grounds and to his room. Closing the door behind you, he set about preparing some tea while you tried your best to stop crying.

Shen handed you a cup of tea, and you tried to keep your hands from shaking, holding the cup with two hands to keep it steady. Shen drank from his own cup, staying silent and giving you the time to compose your thoughts. Staring at his face, one thought rose to your lips before any other.

“Why did you tell your father I was skilled?”

You had to know. Even though in your heart, you knew that this was partly because you were desperate to talk about anything other than Usan’s departure from the Kinkou and from your life. If Shen noticed your switch of topic, he did not mention it.

“I have seen you train with Usan in the woods,” he replied softly. “You have been at the monastery for so long, and you possess too much skill to remain a servant when you have the ability to be more.”

“I never knew that you saw us…” you trailed off.

Shen was looking in your direction, but didn’t seem to be looking at you. “You remind me of how Usan used to be.”

You had thought that hearing his name would hurt, but the soft nostalgia in Shen’s voice just made you want to hear more. You wanted to know more about Usan from someone who had been by his side through things that you hadn’t, desperate to feel that Usan was still here with you, even just through your memories of him.

Shen seemed willing to reminisce with you, telling you stories of their travels with his father until late in the night. You were very engaged in his stories, but eventually your droopy eyelids won and you were unable to stay awake any longer.

You woke up the next morning in your own room. It seemed that Shen had carried you there after you had fallen asleep in his room.

Getting out of bed, you realized that you didn’t feel as bad as you thought that you would. Shen’s stories of the past had soothed your troubled heart. You still felt sad at the loss of Usan, but Shen’s kindness had made it a little easier to get up and face your day.

You were grateful for the mission with your new master, as it was an opportunity to further your skills, and it didn’t hurt that you were desperate to throw yourself into anything that would help you to forget the events of yesterday.

It hardly felt real as you left the grounds with your new master to deal with a troubled spirit south of the monastery. While you had trained your body over the years, you had very little exposure to the magic of the Kinkou. Training in Kinkou magic could only be passed down formally from master to student, and you threw yourself into the experience, eager to learn whatever your new master was willing to teach you.

The missions became more frequent as your skills advanced, and while your master was quiet, he seemed to be pleased with your progress. His actions spoke louder than words, the first time he let you take the lead on soothing a restless spirit showing you just how much he believed in your abilities.

Even back at the monastery, you didn’t allow yourself to spend too much time thinking about Usan. Shen was more than happy to spar with you, and now that you were an apprentice, you were able to train on the monastery grounds, no longer having to hide away in the forest to train in secret. You would be forever grateful to Shen; without him, you would have collapsed upon yourself with grief. You still had nights that you would dream of Usan, or times when you would see things and be reminded of him, but you could survive without his presence in your life.

It had been about a year since you had seen Usan. He hadn’t come back or even sent a single letter. You tried not to let it bother you, but deep down, you worried for your friend.

Ionia was in a state of constant turmoil. The Noxian invaders were ruthless, and could not be stopped. They had pushed beyond the shores of the island and marched forward, leaving death and destruction in their wake. Noxus was not a place of mercy, and thus far, any efforts to combat their invasion had been met with ferocious violence. Ionia was losing the war; that was an undeniable fact.

Your heart hurt more every time you heard further news of the casualties mounting higher, of the villages torched as the Noxian armies ravaged the land you had called home your whole life. But no matter how much you wanted to do something, you couldn’t. It was your duty to protect the balance between man and spirit. If you tried to interfere with the war, you would no longer be worthy to be Kinkou. You had to remember that the cause you were tasked with was more important, even as your heart wavered. You had made your choice, and you were too scared to throw away everything you had worked so hard for.

“It was incredible, Shen!” you told your friend the day after you had returned from a mission to solve a conflict between a water spirit and a nearby village. “I never knew how many types of spirits there are out there.”

Shen nodded, expression flat, but you knew him well enough to know that this was just how he was normally. Chasing Khada Jhin had changed him just as it had changed Usan. The playful and happy boy you had seen around the monastery when you were younger had become somber and serious as he fulfilled his Kinkou duties. With Usan gone, he would follow his father’s path and become the next Eye of Twilight. But neither of you had anticipated that Shen’s succession would come so soon, or so tragically.

You were both surprised by a young assistant’s cries for help as he ran towards you. A heavy seriousness overtook the atmosphere around you as the boy, crying and stumbling, made his way to you. You were at a loss for words, unsure of what could have caused the boy to act like he was fleeing for his life.

Shen stepped forward first to meet the boy. “Yushin, what has happened?”

Yushin sniffled loudly, wiping a hand across his eyes as he tried desperately to calm himself down. “Master Kusho, he… he…”

Your blood felt frozen in your veins; had something happened to Master Kusho? You quickly made your way to Shen’s side.

“It’s okay,” you consoled the boy as you leaned down towards him. “Just tell us what’s going on.”

Yushin nodded, swallowing nervously before speaking. “Mister Usan came to the temple. He wanted the shadow magic box, but Master Kusho said no.”

You had a bad feeling about where this story was going, but you didn’t dare interrupt, Shen staying deathly silent as well, his hands clenched tightly into fists.

“Master Kusho went to stop him and he… he killed Master!” Yushin wailed. “Some of the other masters are fighting them, but they’re so strong…”

Shen wasted not a second more, sprinting towards the temple at the top of the mountain. With one rushed nod to the boy, you followed right after Shen, hoping that you wouldn’t be too late.

You had hoped to see Usan again, but couldn’t have dreamed that it would be under these circumstances. You knew that Usan had wanted the Kinkou’s secret magic to be used against the invading Noxians; he had told you as much the last time you had seen him. But to kill Master Kusho in order to take the Tears of the Shadow… this new image of Usan was so different from the man you knew that you were having a hard time believing that what Yushin was saying was true.

But the scene at the temple extinguished any hope you had left in your heart. People were running down the stairs, fleeing for their lives, while others fought against men in grey and red outfits, grey masks concealing their faces. Looking at the masked men, you wondered if one of them was Usan.

But looking at the steps leading up to the temple, you realized that you had bigger problems. Masters and apprentices alike were fleeing, but not everyone was so lucky. Bodies dotted the stairs of those who had tried to fight and failed, and had lost their lives for their efforts.

You rushed to your fallen comrades, hoping to find someone still alive. Finding no pulse, you were forced to move onto the next person as fighting still raged on all around you. Just as you were feeling almost too despondent to go on, you finally found a pulse on the fifth person you had approached, one of the older apprentices that you vaguely remembered seeing around before. You immediately tapped into your magic, a soft yellow glow engulfing your hands as you began working to save this man’s life.

You didn’t know where Shen was, or what he was doing. You hoped that he would be okay, but you couldn’t look away from the man in front of you, afraid that any break in your concentration would result in this man losing his life. Shen would be okay, you knew he would.

Eventually, the sounds of fighting dulled as you worked, sweat breaking out on your arms and face from the physical and mental stress that you were under. After what felt like an eternity, your work finally paid off; the man’s wound had closed at last, and even though he had lost a lot of blood, he would pull through.

As soon as you pulled your hands back, it felt like the flow of time had started again. Your exhaustion caught up with you immediately and you nearly collapsed on the spot, breathing heavily from the energy you had exerted, leaving you feeling boneless.

Looking around, you felt like you had found yourself in the pits of hell. The stairs were peppered with bodies, the blood of the victims running down the stairs and staining them red. Sorrow was heavy in the air, the survivors still in disbelief.

The Kinkou had not been decimated; the loss of life, while sad, was not as great as it could have been. It looked like those who had run were not pursued, but those who had fought Usan and his men had been killed. They had come here for the box of ancient shadow magic, and had taken out anyone who stood in the way of their objective.

You were unsure of what to do next. Those who had lived were long gone, and with how much time and energy you had spent healing the one man, you knew that you would be of little use in recovering the stolen Kinkou artifact. You weren’t even fully confident in your ability to stand with how exhausted you were.

You didn’t know how long you kneeled beside the unconscious man, but you were startled into awareness by a hand on your shoulder. Craning your neck to look up, you saw the face of a man with short brown hair who you recognized as a member of the Order.

“He’s okay,” you said softly, looking down at the unconscious man’s bloody clothing. “I was able to heal him in time.”

“I will bring him back to the monastery,” the man replied, voice almost frighteningly steady. “You should go and rest.”

You looked back up at him in shock. “But the shadow magic… don’t we have to go get it back?”

He shook his head sternly. “That is not our decision to make. With Kusho dead, the duties of the Eye of Twilight fall to Shen now. For now, we must regroup and recover our strength, and then we will listen to Shen’s decision.”

Staring back down at your hands, you nodded. Reality was setting in on you at last; the leader of the Kinkou was dead, killed by the man you had once called your closest friend. And even if you wanted to, you did not possess the strength nor the skill to chase Usan and his men down. You weren’t even sure if you had the energy to walk down the long flight of stairs that led back down to the monastery.

Knowing your short conversation was done, the man picked up the unconscious man before you and then began to head down the stairs. You watched his back for a short moment before heaving yourself to your feet and beginning to stagger your way down the stairs.

You walked by the blood, by the bodies that still lay on the stairs, their spirits already long gone. You could only hope that they hadn’t suffered too greatly in their last moments. You forced yourself onwards; it would do nobody any good for you to collapse in a heap here, least of all you. You just wanted to collapse into your bed and try to sleep off the horror of the last hour.

You didn’t see Shen anywhere, unsure of where he had gone. But you knew that you would see him eventually. Shen was very strong, so you had no doubts that he had survived the attack. Although you were still struggling to believe that Master Kusho was truly dead. It hurt your head to try and make sense of all that had happened, and you found yourself unsure of what the immediate future would look like for the Kinkou Order.

Finally getting to the bottom of the stairs, you looked out at the road back to the monastery, the clamor reaching your ears easily despite the distance. Understandably, the Kinkou were in a panic, and you stopped in your tracks as you stared at the mess of people running around. For such a normally calm place, the commotion felt deeply unsettling. Deaths happened within the Kinkou, as dealing with demons and restless spirits was never completely risk-free, but to lose the head of the Kinkou in such a tragic and unexpected way had left the Kinkou on unsteady ground.

You would not be able to sleep with how loud the monastery was right now, even as tired as you were. You found your attention drawn instead to the forest just ahead of you, feeling drawn towards the small path between the trees that led to your old training spot. The spot where you and Usan had spent most of your time together.

Maybe going there would give you the peace that you desperately needed right now. The Usan that would kill Master Kusho and steal a relic seemed so foreign to the boy you had known for so long. Could a year have really changed him so much?

No, you thought as you walked down the grassy path, Usan had begun to change long before he had left. The hunt for Khada Jhin had changed him, and as much as you didn’t want him to leave the Kinkou, you knew that you had to let him go. But after today, you were at a loss, worried for your lost friend.

Even though he had killed Master Kusho, stolen a Kinkou artifact and slain your fellow Order members, you couldn’t help but want to see him. To ask him why he had done this. Even if it was a futile effort, you wanted to see him so badly.

Though it pained you to admit it, you felt like you had truly lost him for good today. You had been nursing a hope that one day he would return to the Kinkou, to you. But with this act, he would never be welcomed back. He was not just a deserter of the Kinkou, but now an enemy. Your soul cried as you forced yourself to keep walking as you were forced to accept the fact that you would never stand by Usan’s side again.

The clearing looked the same as it had a year ago. It felt strange to be here after so long. For a year, you had told yourself that coming back here would be too painful, but now it was the only place that you wanted to be. You just wanted to feel like your life was simple again, like how it had been when you and Usan had sparred here together in secret.

You approached the largest tree in the clearing, the one that you used to use as an opponent before you and Usan had started training together. You ran your hand over the little scratches and bumps on the bark of the tree, closing your eyes and allowing yourself to think of the past.

Your fingers hit an especially-jagged section of bark, and you opened your eyes, looking at the intricately-carved symbol before you. You traced the pattern of lines that made up the peace rune, mind drifting back to the day that Usan had showed you how to carve it. It had been carved almost ten years ago, but still held its shape perfectly. Even though you knew any magical effects from such a small rune wouldn’t go far, you couldn’t help but feel bitter that the peace rune had done no good today in regards to the attack on the temple.

You were about to take your hand off of the rune when you were startled by a larger hand being laid over yours from behind. Alarmed, you jolted backwards into a firm chest with a muted cry. The man behind you didn’t say a word, allowing you to rip your hand out from under his and spin around to face him. Raising your hand to strike out, you frozen in your tracks as you stared in shock at the man that stood before you.

You recognized him immediately, but that didn’t mean that his appearance hadn’t changed. It had only been a year, but he had grown broader than he used to be, his form taking up most of your field of vision. His hair was different too; when you had last seen him, it had been much longer than your own, wound in a tight braid. But now it had been cut short, bangs he hadn’t had before hanging down over his forehead.

You had thought that seeing Usan would scare you after what he had done. But looking at him now, all you could think about was how handsome he had become. Why had you never noticed before?

You stared at each other as you tried to get a read on what he was thinking. But his face was blank, as if he was too drained right now to show any emotion. You knew that you were nearly at that point yourself.

“Usan… why are you here?” you whispered, and he shook his head minutely, not breaking eye contact with you.

“I don’t use that name anymore,” he replied quietly. “I am now called Zed.”

Your tired brain took the information in slowly. It did make sense that he would stop using his Kinkou name, given that he had left the Order, but the new name left you with only more questions. But given that this was not the first time he had told you of a name change, you knew that there were more important queries that you wanted answers for first.

It was hard to force yourself to say the words, but you needed to know. “Did you really kill Master Kusho?”

He said nothing in reply, his stony gaze flitting away from you and telling you as much as his words could have. So it was true. You couldn’t help the anger that surged up within you as you stared at his face.

“How could you do this, Usan?” you questioned angrily. “He used to be your master, and you–”

“I did what I had to,” Zed interrupted you, voice sounding resolute as he stared down at you. “The Kinkou have the tools to win the war against Noxus, and they intended to squander them while innocent Ionians die. With this power, I can save our people!”

“He was Shen’s father!” you appealed emotionally. “And the leader of the Kinkou. Does that mean anything to you?”

“Not enough to let all of Ionia die,” Zed retorted, anger bleeding into his voice. “We needed the Tears of the Shadow, and I did what I had to in order to get it.”

Your head was spinning from his blunt words. He clearly didn’t regret killing his previous master, as long as it got him what he wanted. But if he had got what he wanted, then why was he here? Why had he come to you now after going a full year without seeing you even once?

“…why are you here?” you asked softly.

His face relaxed at last, most of the tension leaving his face as you stared at him, waiting for an answer. Your back was still against the tree, caged in by Zed’s body, but you weren’t afraid. Not of the boy you had known for most all of your life. But his reluctance to answer your question made you want to push his buttons, do whatever you had to do to get him to tell you what you wanted to know.

“Are you here to kill me too?” you asked him, careful to keep your voice neutral.

His brown eyes went wide, expression looking like you had slapped him. The hurt in his eyes made you feel bad for saying what you had, but you didn’t have a choice. You needed answers from him.

“…no,” he answered at last.

“Why not?” you pressed. “You killed Master Kusho. What makes my life any different to you?”

“You’ve always been different!” he growled lowly, and the emotion in his voice caught you off guard.

You didn’t know what to say to that, but he didn’t give you a chance to say anything as he leaned in towards you, flattening your back against the tree as he slotted his mouth against yours. He closed his eyes immediately, but yours remained open with shock. While you remained frozen, Zed’s tongue slipped into your mouth, and you found your eyes fluttering closed as you relaxed into the kiss at last.

You were panting softly as he finally pulled back from you, realizing with embarrassment just how much you had enjoyed kissing him, even knowing what he had done. The moment was not meant to last, as his next words felt like ice water being poured on your skin.

“I wanted you to join my order.”

“Your order…?” you replied shakily.

“The Noxian invaders have to be stopped, and I have created my own order that isn’t bound to archaic notions of balance. I intend to protect Ionia, no matter the cost,” he explained passionately, a fire burning in his eyes.

You knew your answer as soon as he had asked you to join him, the words feeling like they were tearing you in two.

“I can’t,” you spoke quietly, and Zed’s face fell as you continued. “The Kinkou have lost their leader. And even if I agree with your goal, you still killed Master Kusho.”

“I see,” he replied simply.

You looked down, unable to look at him any longer as guilt burned in your chest. You both knew that this moment had to end, as he had to return to his order, and you to yours. You knew it would be selfish to try and keep him here, no matter how much you didn’t want to lose him again.

“Please stay safe,” you implored him, voice wavering and eyes closing.

He didn’t reply, and even though you hadn’t heard a sound, you knew he was gone. Sinking to the ground, you leaned back against the tree, pulling your knees to your chest as you once again mourned the loss of your dearest friend.

You allowed yourself the moment of peace that you had come here seeking, only now you had even more on your mind. The silence around you now just felt suffocating, nothing around to distract you from the things you desperately didn’t want to confront within yourself.

It was with great dread that you had to acknowledge that Usan… that Zed wasn’t completely wrong in his ideals. You had been holding doubts in your heart ever since he had left the Kinkou.

Everything you had ever heard about Noxus made it impossible for you to not know of their brutality. They would kill anything and anyone in their pursuit to conquer other lands. There was no doubt that their invasion had cost many Ionian lives already.

You wanted to be devoutly Kinkou and stay dedicated to maintaining balance without distraction, but you couldn’t. You realized that now. You could no longer delude yourself into believing that the Kinkou notion of balance was always right and just.

The Kinkou had the power to help push the Noxians back, but refused to help the people of Ionia unless spirit and man were imbalanced. For the first time, you found yourself thinking that the Kinkou were wrong. After all, would there even be an Ionia for the Kinkou to operate in if Noxus conquered the land due to their refusal to help?

It was with a heavy heart that you realized that you could no longer be a member of the Kinkou, not after you had realized how deeply unsatisfied you had become with the doctrine. It was all that you had ever known, the only family that you could remember, but you would have to leave it all behind.

But at the same time, you could not join Zed and his shadow order. Even if you agreed with why he had killed Master Kusho, he had still taken an innocent life. You could not join forces with someone who almost acted no better than a Noxian, killing to take things that did not belong to him. You could only hope that Shen would forgive you for the decision you felt that you had no choice but to make.

You stayed around as a last service to the Kinkou. There were many injuries to be healed, and procedures to follow to formally declare Shen as the next Eye of Twilight. But beyond that, Shen needed you right now. His father had just died, and now responsibilities were being thrown at him left and right. He never uttered one word of complaint, but you knew that he was struggling.

It took months for the Kinkou to recover from the great loss it had been dealt, but eventually things began to return to normal. As Shen got used to his new role and the Kinkou adapted, you knew that your time was running out. You could not use the Kinkou as a crutch forever, and it was that thought that brought you to see Shen in his room.

“You wish to leave?” Shen asked knowingly before you had a chance to stay anything.

“How did you–”

“I have known you for many years,” Shen answered. “And you have been especially restless since Usan killed my father.”

Your eyes went wide with shock. You hadn’t expected him to talk about his father’s death so bluntly; you hadn’t mentioned it to him at all for fear of upsetting him, but here he was bringing it up on his own.

You hung your head in shame, Shen’s hand coming to rest on your shoulder. You slowly looked back up at him, finding a softer look on his face than you expected.

“Everyone has their own path. I cannot fault you if yours no longer lies with the Kinkou,” he said, nothing but respect in his expression.

“I’m sorry,” you said, the words coming out before you could stop them as the guilt that you felt bubbled up to the surface. You just felt so guilty for leaving after all the Kinkou and Shen had done for you.

“Stop worrying,” he said gently, but firmly. “The Kinkou will not end with your departure. You must do what is right for you. I have no right to stop you.”

You knew that was as nice of a goodbye as you could have gotten from the serious man. You knew this was what you needed to do, but it didn’t make it any less hard to leave your friend behind.

“Thank you,” you said, feeling choked with emotion as you leaned over to hug Shen, your arms not able to fully wrap around his large frame. Shen’s arms came up to awkwardly return your embrace, his hands on your back.

“I wish you luck, my friend.”

You had felt like a lost soul for a while as you had wandered to the north of Thanjuul in search of a new place to belong. You journeyed through towns, exploring the world outside the Kinkou that you had never experienced before. You were having a hard time shaking your feelings of being a fish out of water away, but now that you had seen Ionia as it was, you knew that you had made the right decision to leave the Kinkou.

Your search for belonging took you to Shon-Xan in Northern Ionia, to a village along the coast. You had been in town for only a day when a small band of Noxians decided to siege the small village, confident that their skill could best those in the peaceful village.

The screams had alerted you to trouble on the shores, and you had rushed to join the few capable men and women who attempted to drive the invaders back. You had experienced fighting demons and unruly spirits, but this was your first time fighting against other humans in a life-or-death situation. But even without that experience, you had been in training for many years, and it showed. The cocky Noxians were no match for you.

You drove the invaders back easily, not one of them escaping with their lives. You were initially conflicted taking the lives of other humans, but seeing innocent villagers barely escaping with their lives told you that you were doing the right thing. These people needed your help, and you were more than willing to provide it. This was it. You had found your meaning.

The village was smaller than others on the coast, so it was a lower-priority target for the Noxians, but that did not mean that you were entirely safe. Any invaders that tried to conquer the village were swiftly met with the blade of your daggers and the might of your Kinkou-learned magic.

As the invasion continued to rage across Ionia, you found yourself travelling to the more war-ravaged areas of Shon-Xan to help fight the Noxian armies that sought to conquer. The life of a wandering warrior was not easy, and you fell into an exhausted sleep more days than not, but it was worth it to you to protect the land that you had lived in all of your life.

It took years for the war to subside, the land ravaged and many lives lost in the conflict. You had lived with your focus narrowed on the war for so long that you found yourself again unsure of what to do at war’s end. Ionia was no longer at war, but there was now an internal conflict rising between those who wanted Ionia to go back to its pacifistic roots and those who wanted to unite Ionia as a militaristic power to ward off any potential invasions in the future. You wanted no part of the debate; you weren’t a leader, and didn’t intend to insert yourself into Ionian politics now.

You had been floundering when an acquaintance from your time in the war offered you the chance to travel with her from Shon-Xan to the Ionian island of Ralin to the east. You had started out doing small jobs in exchange for the money you needed to survive, but eventually your reputation as a war hero began to earn you more notice, and with that came more opportunities.

You found yourself drifting between the Ionian islands and the mainland as you took on various jobs. You exterminated deadly beasts, escorted important people to their destinations, recovered stolen items, and whatever other requests caught your attention.

When your life had gotten a little less hectic, you had made a decision to send a letter to Shen, hoping that he had survived the war and remained at the old Kinkou temple in Thanjuul. A return letter arriving for you a few weeks later was the relief that you needed; Shen was okay, and the Kinkou had survived. You were happy to hear from your old friend, and began to exchange letters when you had the time between jobs.

It was hard for you to believe sometimes that it had been ten years since you had been a member of the Kinkou, and since you had seen Shen or Usan. You had heard whispers of the operations of the shadow order that Usan had created, but had never run into them yourself. You still found yourself calling him Usan in your head; the name Zed just felt unnatural on your lips, like it was meant for a stranger, and not the man you had known for most of your life.

As much as it pained you to admit it, Zed was a stranger to you now. You hadn’t sought him out, and would have no idea what you would say to him now. It felt so foreign to you that you used to be able to talk to him for hours, but now not a word came to mind when you pondered what you would say if you ever saw him again.

Luckily, the opportunities you had to dwell on Zed were few and far between with how busy you had been lately. There had been an increase in bandit attacks lately, and you now found yourself walking along a path towards Kotha in the Ionian province of Zhyun. You had been pushing yourself too hard lately; the bandits sieging the nearby town of Thonx had taken you longer than you had thought to dispatch. You could only hope that there would be an inn in Kotha with an open room for the night.

It was due to your tiredness that you didn’t notice the trouble until it was too late. You had just approached the start of a short bridge over the Sotka River when you finally noticed the two figures standing on the bridge, and the screams of the man that they were dangling off the bridge by a rope.

You froze in place; you didn’t normally make a habit of intervening in gang situations unless you were asked to, but at the same time, you were now too close to avoid being seen as one of the people on the bridge turned towards you. It was too dark for you to see detail in the faces of the two people, and you slowly reached down to the dagger at your side as one of the figures began to approach you as the other continued to hold the rope.

You let out an annoyed exhale as you got into a battle stance. You really didn’t want to fight when you were already tired, but you had no choice. Gangsters didn’t tend to be lenient with witnesses to their crimes, but at the same time, you refused to die here for such a stupid reason.

You were more than ready when the man came within your striking range, flipping behind him and pressing one of your daggers to his neck.

“I have no interest in your business,” you hissed sternly. “I will continue on this path and you can continue whatever it is you were doing.”

The man stayed silent and still, which confused you until his companion on the bridge spoke up.

“Shen!” a woman’s voice cried out from the bridge, and your hand went lax, allowing the man in front of you to gently grasp your hand and remove the dagger from being pointed at his neck before turning to face you.

“…Shen?”

He was older, but his face had not changed beyond recognition. His hair was up in a topknot, the sides of his head shaved. The biggest change in him was his eyes; they were all-white, a product of his elevation to the Eye of Twilight. It was jarring to not see his brown eyes anymore, but he could clearly still see, as he recognized you as well, gently speaking your name in response.

“Shen!” you cried happily, feeling like you had been transported back to your past as you stared at his face. But just as quickly, concern began to bubble up in your mind. “What are you doing here?”

Shen’s expression hardened again, but he was interrupted before he could answer by the cries of the man dangling from the bridge.

“Please, I’ll tell you! Just let me up!” he shouted, struggling on the rope. Looking around the side of the bridge told you that he was being suspended just above circling carnivorous fish, and suddenly the desperation in his cries made more sense.

The man began to start listing odd names as the woman fished a scroll out of a waist bag and began to scribble on it. Sensing that it was better to leave her to what she was doing, you turned your focus back to Shen, one eyebrow raised as you waited for his explanation.

“Khada Jhin has escaped.”

What? You blinked, having a hard time processing Shen’s words. Khada Jhin had been in prison for so long, how could he have escaped now? He would have to have been helped by someone. But the only people who knew where Jhin had been imprisoned were Shen, Usan and Master Kusho. And with Master Kusho dead, and Shen on Jhin’s trail, that left only one possibility that twisted your stomach in knots.

“Usan came to inform me of Jhin’s escape,” Shen added.

“So it wasn’t…” you trailed off, but Shen understood where you had been going with your words.

“Zed may have informed the wrong person of Jhin’s location, but I do not believe that he freed Jhin himself,” he answered.

You felt immediately relieved, but hated yourself for it. You hated the way that you still wanted to believe the best in Usan, even after what he had done to Master Kusho. You wanted to believe that Usan was not capable of releasing one of the most prolific serial killers in Ionia back into the world. But if it wasn’t Usan, then who? What reason could someone have to free such a vicious monster from its cage?

Strangled cries drew your attention back to the bridge to see the woman pulling the rope back up, the dangling man desperately trying not to squirm too much and end up falling into the water. At last, he was pulled back up and onto the bridge, the woman severing the rope with a dagger.

“I hope that all your information is right, for your sake,” she told the man with very casual menace.

The man didn’t even reply, scrambling to his feet without bothering to properly remove the rope from his ankles, stumbling on rope as he ran off the bridge and away from the woman.

Grinning in satisfaction, the woman approached you and Shen, holding the scroll in her hand. Now that she was closer, you were able to get a better look at her. She was younger than you and Shen, her dark hair tied up with a green cloth that matched the rest of her outfit. Wispy tattoos swirled up one of her arms, and sharp kama blades hung at her side. You weren’t sure who she was; no memories of this girl came to mind.

“Got the list,” she told Shen, a satisfied smile on her face. “Men will tell you anything when you dangle them over man-eating fish!”

She was talking to Shen, but you noticed her curiously looking you over, just as you had been doing to her. Shen looked between you before stepping back up to allow you and the girl a better look at each other.

“This is my former student, Akali,” Shen introduced, Akali giving you a short wave, but remaining on her guard.

You offered her your name in return with a smile. You hadn’t known that Shen had taken on a student; he hadn’t mentioned her in any of his letters.

“She can be trusted, Akali,” Shen told her, aware of his student’s wariness. “She was once a member of the Kinkou.”

“Oh,” Akali replied with a nod. “And you told her about, uh…”

“Yes, I told her of Jhin’s escape,” Shen answered.

Akali’s demeanor shifted at once, a friendly smile gracing her face. “Alright, so no need for secrets then. You coming with us to hunt Jhin down or what?”

Shen looked sternly at his former apprentice. “She did not come here to be burdened with our cause.”

“Wait,” you interjected. You had already made up your mind the second he had mentioned Jhin’s escape. “I want to help. I just finished a job, and I won’t be able to relax with that monster on the loose.”

Shen’s face was blank, and you fixed him with a frown. “I haven’t just been sitting around all these years. Let me help you recapture Jhin.”

Akali was easier to sway as she made her way to your side, holding her paper out so you could get a look at the unusual names written on it. “Any of these names sound familiar to you? Jhin was on one of these ships this month, and we need to find out which one.”

You were surprised at the lead Shen and Akali had managed to procure on the so-called golden demon as you walked around a marketplace in Kotha asking for any information on a deadly incident on a ship where sixteen people were noted as being killed by a demon. As Khada Jhin always killed in units of four, there was no other conclusion to come to in regards to the culprit.

So far, you had very little luck with the traders at the marketplace. Many had heard of the deaths of Lord Jaetha and his family on that ship, but had no further information, simply expressing their horror or disbelief at the brutality of the incident. In short, you were getting nowhere fast. You could almost feel the leads on Jhin’s whereabouts escaping you like they were grains of sand between your fingers.

“Hey,” you spoke up after quite a while of remaining silent, Shen and Akali looking over at you. “I’ll go ask the merchants on the south side. We’ll never be done by sundown if we stay in a group.”

They accepted your reasoning fairly easily, and you split from them with a promise to meet again after you had finished your part of the information gathering. Wishing each other luck, you departed to the south, heading down the street at a normal pace before ducking into an alleyway at the next turn. You did intend to do your part in questioning the merchants, but you also had one other matter of business to attend to.

The war with Noxus had sharpened your senses, and your more recent work had honed them further. From the moment you had begun to question the merchants, you had been feeling eyes on your group. You had spent the next hour taking careful glances around, trying to pinpoint your apparent stalker, and had only just noticed a figure in maroon clothing that seemed to always be in the same area of the market as you were.

You could only take very quick glances at the person, not wanting to tip them off by being too obvious. Their robes covered their body, an adjoining headscarf covering their head. You couldn’t even tell if the figure was a man or a woman, or guess why they were following your group.

You didn’t seem to be their main focus, as you peeked your head out of the alleyway to see them continuing to follow behind Shen and Akali. As you stared at the figure, your thoughts began to turn to darker possibilities. Could this be Jhin himself? You had never seen what Jhin looked like, so you couldn’t be sure, but the figure was hiding themselves too well in the marketplace to be a petty thief. They had to be a professional of some kind, and you just hoped it wasn’t Jhin; the marketplace was crowded at this time of day, and there would be a lot of victims if Jhin was to set his sights on causing trouble here.

As you watched Shen and Akali continue down the isle of stalls, you formulated a plan. You walked down the alleyway, checking that it opened up to the next isle of shops before darting over to a stall selling colorful fabrics. Purchasing some cloth, you retreated back to the shadows of the alley.

You quickly wrapped the cloth around your head, allowing the excess fabric to hang over you like a poncho. If the person was following Shen and Akali, then they had also seen you. If you were going to be able to surprise them, then you would have to make sure that they didn’t see you coming.

You positioned yourself by the stall nearest to the alley, which happened to be a vendor of fine beads and crafted jewelry. You perused the vendor’s stock, keeping your real focus on the entrance to the isle, waiting for your target to arrive.

You watched as Shen and Akali entered into your scope of vision, unaware that they were being tailed. You waited a few minutes longer, and then there was no doubt in your mind as the figure in red entered the isle of stalls. There was no way that the figure’s movements could be a coincidence at this point, which solidified your resolve. You would not allow this person to hunt your friends, or the unsuspecting townspeople.

You asked the merchant about her beads, acting as if you were just an interested customer, all the while tracking the figure with your eyes. Shen and Akali went about their business, and you looked down to examine a jade bracelet, your hood falling over your eyes as they came to question the lady running the stall.

“I did hear tell of that,” the old woman answered. “Just awful. Lord Jaetha has always been good to the people here. I pray he found peace in death.”

“Alright, thanks for your time,” Akali replied, and you could easily hear the frustrated undertones in her voice. They must still have been having no luck.

Off they went to the last stall on the other side of the isle, and you looked over to see the figure much closer than they were before. From this distance, you could at least tell that it was a man from the way he was built. Not a good sign for your Jhin theory, but it gave you an idea on how to go about accosting the mysterious stranger.

If you tried to fight him here, you would attract too much attention to yourself, not to mention potentially endanger the people in the marketplace. This time, you would have to use a more covert approach; one that wouldn’t alert the man to what you actually were until you had confirmed his identity. If you acted as a simple escort, then you could suss out his identity while keeping yours to yourself until the moment was right.

Shen and Akali left the isle at last, and you finally broke away from the jewelry vendor to stand against a wall by the alleyway, intending to drag the man in there with you as soon as he got close enough. You got lucky, as the man was walking on your side of the isle, making your job much easier. You kept your breath steady, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

As soon as his arm was within your range, you quickly grabbed his wrist, tugging him into the alleyway with you. Pressing him against the wall, you leaned your head up against his neck to avoid him seeing your face.

“You look lonely,” you said, purposefully speaking in a higher pitch than your normal voice. “I can keep you company… for a price.”

He didn’t seem to suspect anything was amiss as he gently pushed you away from him. “I’m not interested.”

That voice… you realized in an instant just how wrong you had been about the identity of your pursuer. You reached a hand up to remove his hood, desperate to confirm his identity, when you were stopped by his larger hand encircling your wrist to stop you in your attempt to reveal his face.

“Usan, please!” you cried out, and the man before you stiffened in surprise, his grip on your wrist softening enough for you to shake his fingers off and pull his hood back enough that you could see his face.

His hair was a little longer, and his eyes were a little darker, but there was no doubt that the man before you was Usan. Even ten years later, this man would never truly be a stranger to you. Seeing his face now, you realized just how much you had missed him. He still had that small scar running through one eyebrow, and was still a head taller than you at least. It wasn’t as if his scars or height could have changed since you had seen him, but you still found yourself surprised by how much his appearance had stayed the same.

You pulled your hand back from his hood at last with a wistful smile. “Sorry… I know your name isn’t Usan anymore.”

He stared down at you, and you noticed how weary he looked, like he had carried the weight of the world on his shoulders for too long. What had he been doing in the past ten years since you had seen him?

“Call me what you want,” he replied as he stared back at you.

He just looked so tired; it hurt your heart to see him like this. You could deny it all you wanted, but as you looked at Zed’s face, you knew that you had always carried a soft spot for him, no matter what he had done. It was why you could never truly turn your back on him; even now you found yourself wanting to comfort him, as badly as things had ended the last time you two had met.

You reached a hand up towards his face, placing it over his cheek. Zed seemed to welcome the contact, closing his eyes at your touch. You stayed like that for a moment, but a burst of chatter from the marketplace reminded you of why you were here.

“Zed… why are you following Shen?” you asked.

Zed’s brown eyes opened and the tender moment was lost as you pulled your hand back from his face.

“The only way to capture Jhin is if Shen and I join forces, but he refuses to work with me,” Zed explained, and you nodded.

“You can’t be too surprised by that after what happened,” you said sadly as you took a quick glance towards the end of the alleyway, where a child dashed in to retrieve a lost ball before running back out to play with his friends.

“No, I can’t blame him,” Zed answered with a sigh. “But Jhin is more than we can handle if we work separately. He’ll need my help to take Jhin down.”

You bit your lip, missing how Zed’s eyes followed the movement. You couldn’t deny that they were the only two people alive who had caught Jhin before, and had the best chance of catching him again. But even though you knew that, you also knew that you couldn’t convince Shen to work with the man that had killed his father.

You sighed, unsure if you were making the right decision or not. “I won’t tell him I saw you. But please be careful. I don’t want either of you to get hurt.”

Zed looked away from you. “Jhin is dangerous. I will do what I have to for him to be stopped.”

“Usan!” Your angry voice brought his eyes back to yours. “I don’t want you to die!”

He had nothing to say to that, which only annoyed you more. Did he have no care for his own life in all of this?

Turning on your heel, you promptly exited the alleyway, heading towards the south side of the market to fulfil your part of the information gathering. So much had changed, and still Usan was as stubborn and reckless as he had always been. You only hoped for his sake that he would snap out of it before he really got himself killed.

Two days later, you had travelled to the town of Nanthee in search of the town’s elder, who likely possessed important information on why Lord Jaetha and his family were targeted by Jhin. But the lead was not meant to be; the day before you arrived in town, the elder and three others had been brutally murdered. The killings being in a group of four, there was no room to believe that there was any culprit but Jhin behind the deaths.

You knew that Zed had to be somewhere nearby, but you hadn’t been able to sense him since the day you had confronted him at the marketplace. Almost as soon as you had stormed off, you had regretted losing your temper. The first time you had seen him in ten years and you had ruined it with your big mouth. You would have to hope that you hadn’t severed that link forever.

You followed behind Shen into the building where the elder had been killed, Akali waiting outside at Shen’s urging. This was your first exposure to Jhin’s work, and it was somehow even more gruesome than you had imagined.

Four bodies, broken and mangled, lay in the entryway of the room, as if they had been fleeing to safety as they were killed. Grotesque vines wound around their bodies, the flesh of their faces peeled back in a gruesome likeness of a flower. If this was only a fraction of what Jhin was capable of, then you feared for all of Ionia.

Shen approached the bodies with you close behind as you set about tending to the corpses. Their skin felt cold and stiff to the touch, as if you were dealing with broken puppets, not people who had been alive the day before. You couldn’t allow a maniac like this to be free. Jhin had to be stopped at all costs, or tragedies like this would continue to happen.

You found yourself glad to have experienced the brutal nature of war, because otherwise you likely wouldn’t have been able to stomach the gore that you were working with now. By the time you had finished burying the bodies, you were feeling weary in spirit, hoping that those people would be the last victims of the golden demon before he was caught. But it would not be easy to catch Jhin; you were too experienced to be that naïve about the reality of the situation.

“I hope we can stop him,” you said, speaking the first words that either you or Shen had spoken since you had buried the victims.

Shen looked over at you. “Behind his demonic cruelty, he is still a man. I intend to make sure he is imprisoned once more before anyone else dies.”

You looked forward to see a group of men in blue standing around just outside the building that you had been in. You had almost forgot; Shen had requested members of the Kinkou to accompany the investigation, and they were likely waiting for a debrief from their leader regarding the bodies of Jhin’s newest victims. It was easy to forget they were here with all that was going on, but you knew that Shen would want to speak with them.

“Take your time,” you told him. “I’ll go find Akali.”

You agreed to meet up afterwards, heading to go find Akali, who had wandered off somewhere. You found her fairly easily, wandering aimlessly around Nanthee.

“We finished with the bodies,” you told her.

She bit her lip. “Were they really as bad as Shen was saying?”

“Yes.” You didn’t feel the need to sugarcoat the truth with her. “We need to catch him before he can do that to anyone else.”

Your conversation was interrupted by a loud gong ringing through the port town. Looking over at Akali, she shrugged back at you. “Must be a ship leaving. They like to hit the gong four times when ships leave port.”

Sounded like a pretty typical port town custom to you. The gong rang out for the fourth time and then stopped, just as Akali had described. Just as you were about to suggest taking a walk around town to give Shen some time, something behind Akali caught your attention.

Loud explosions began to pierce the air along with screams that were abruptly cut off. Your eyes were drawn immediately to the lanterns that were strung up along all of the streets as you watched the lanterns down the road begin to detonate and explode.

“Akali, the lanterns are bombs!” you spoke hurriedly. “We need to run!”

Akali didn’t ask questions as the two of you began to sprint off the street and towards one of the large carved heads made of stone that were scattered around the town. You heard the explosions and felt the heat right behind you, but you didn’t stop running. You dove for the top of the stone head, Akali hot on your heels as you both ducked down and covered your heads as explosions continued to ring out all around you. You both stayed down on the ground until the explosions finally stopped, the town deathly quiet.

You stood up, dusting yourself off as you looked over to see Akali doing the same. “Are you okay?”

“I’ll live,” she groaned. “You?”

“I’m fine,” you replied. “We got out just in time. I can’t say the same for the townspeople though.”

“I’ll get him for this!” Akali promised angrily as some of Shen’s men joined you on the stone head.

“Hey, that ship!” Akali exclaimed, and you looked over at the port to see a ship sailing away. Akali turned to one of the Kinkou men. “Hey, where is that boat going?”

“To the port of Piltover,” the man answered, and you frowned.

“You think that Jhin…?”

“No doubt he’s on that ship,” she answered bitterly. “Who else would cause this much destruction and then run away like a coward?”

It was a bitter feeling, knowing that Jhin was within your grasp, only to escape across the sea after decimating most of the town. And you were still haunted by the knowledge that the person who had freed the demon was also out there somewhere. This whole affair was starting to reek of the Navori Brotherhood.

The Navori Brotherhood were the most fervent champions of the cause to unite Ionia and bring the land to military prominence. Their cause had only become more radical after the war, setting their sights on uniting Ionia under one rule… their rule. And they were willing to kill whoever they had to in order to achieve their goal.

It made so much sense. Your mind drifted back to a conversation days ago in the marketplace where a merchant had mentioned that Lord Jaetha had been firm in his opposition to the radical brotherhood. And then he and his family had all been killed.

Jhin was too chaotic to involve himself in Ionian politics… unless he owed a debt. He had to be acting at the command of the Navori Brotherhood; there was no other explanation for the targeted killings.

But while you knew the basic information about the brotherhood, that didn’t tell you much. It wasn’t as if there was anyone in Ionia who hadn’t heard of the Navori brotherhood. But any details that laid below the surface were scarce; you didn’t know the details of their operations, or even who their leader was. Or how they had learned of Jhin’s location, allowing them to free him.

There wasn’t a whole lot left of the town; buildings aflame, columns of smoke rising in the air. You didn’t notice many survivors, which was an unfortunate reflection of the careful planning that went into Jhin’s brutality. The only figures you noticed in the wreckage were Kinkou who roamed the wreckage, trying to find any survivors, with little luck.

Your attention was then drawn to the edge of the water as you noticed a silver-haired figure in red dragging a man in blue out of the water. You had forgotten all about Zed in the chaos, but there he was saving Shen from drowning.

Almost immediately, Shen was on his feet, sword drawn as he stood in a battle stance. You should have expected something like this to happen when the two men met again. No matter how much Zed wanted to work with Shen to capture Jhin, the wounds of their past were too hard for Shen to forgive.

As the two men fought, you found yourself scrambling down towards the beach, needing to get to them but unsure of what you would do when you got there. It took you much longer to get to them with all the fire and rubble in the way, but you pressed on.

Shen and Zed continued to fight as you made your way down, allowing you your first glimpse at Zed’s shadow magic as he disappeared into shadows and then reappeared elsewhere. You could tell that he had spent a long time mastering his shadow abilities, but Shen was no slouch in that regard either.

Shen fought fiercely, and despite Zed’s attempts to quell the fight, he was forced to defend himself. But Shen’s will was stronger, and your feet touched the sand just as Shen slammed Zed down into the ground. You approached the pair slowly, Shen now on his knees next to the unconscious Zed, tears in his eyes as he wept for the severed bond between them.

You were unable to speak up, your mouth feeling dry as you searched your mind for words that wouldn’t come. As you struggled with indecision, the remainder of the Kinkou that had come to Nanthee with you approached, and then Shen stood up at last.

You stared at him, but he wouldn’t meet your eyes as he instructed his men to bind Zed with chains and scrolls that nulled his magic. You weren’t sure what to think, but simply stood there as Shen announced his intentions to burn Zed’s shadow magic from his body and then throw him in prison. This certainly wasn’t the reunion you had expected, but at the same time, you could not stand in Shen’s way, not after what Zed had done to his father. You just wished that it didn’t have to hurt so much to see the former friends as fractured as they were.

After the bombing, it was decided that you would spend the night at the beach as it was getting dark and the burning rubble that was the town was still too treacherous to travel through. You helped to set up tents using supplies the Kinkou had brought along from their last camp that was just out of town. Along with the basic supplies, you watched as a wooden trailer was brought down the rocks, being pulled by two worax. The trailer was complete with high walls and a roof, and it didn’t take a lot of effort to guess what they planned to do with it.

You watched as two men picked up Zed’s unconscious body and brought him over to the trailer that had been set up away from the tents. While they chained Zed up by his wrists, his feet barely touching the floor, a third man set about pasting magic-nulling paper talismans inside and outside of the wooden trailer. It was a little hard for you to watch the scene, so you turned back to your work on the tents.

After you were done setting up camp, you began to assist the wounded, the sun having set long before you had finished. You were exhausted, but didn’t feel like you could sleep. By now, most of the Kinkou had retired to their respective tents, but you could only stare longingly at the wooden trailer that held Zed within it.

“You are not prohibited from seeing him.”

You inhaled sharply; you hadn’t noticed Shen approach you. You looked over at him to see his face looking impassive as usual. After you had stared at each other for a short moment, Shen turned to look at the makeshift jail cell.

“Usan is awake,” he told you. “I checked on him earlier.”

“…oh?” You tried not to sound too interested, but Shen easily saw through you.

“Usan is not connected to my past alone. It is not a betrayal for you to speak with him,” he insisted calmly.

“But I…” You struggled to finish your thought. You wanted to go see him, but you were nervous. With how your last conversation with him ended, would he even want to speak with you?

“Zed is hard to keep in one place. You will have no better chance than now,” Shen added.

He didn’t wait for you to reply, turning back to head towards his own tent. Even as nerves danced in your stomach, your feet began to take you closer to the innocuous-looking wooden trailer. The beach was so quiet that the sound of your breathing was all you could hear as you brought a hand up, intending to open the door, but lacking the courage to face him again.

You couldn’t throw this chance away. Shen was right; if you wanted to talk to Zed, then it would have to be now. It was certainly better to do it now when everyone else was sleeping and save yourself the unwanted attention from the Kinkou who slept just across the beach.

You couldn’t let yourself chicken out, grasping the door at last, pulling it open and climbing the single step up to enter into the trailer. You closed the door behind you, not wanting any lone Kinkou to see the door open and come to investigate.

You stiffened, hand still against the door as a weak laugh rang out from behind you. You slowly turned around, Zed waiting for you to look his way before speaking.

“I’ve been wondering when you would come,” he said, his voice dry and raspy.

There was no nice way to put it… he looked awful. Zed was chained to the ceiling of the trailer by his wrists, his shirt removed, allowing you a good look at the black tattoos that covered his shoulders and torso and gave him his shadow magic. Shen had clearly done a number on him in their fight; one of his eyes was swollen, the skin around it purple and bruised. His face and body were covered in cuts and bruises, and you knew the position that he forcibly found himself in now couldn’t possibly be comfortable for him.

You couldn’t free him, but you could ease his parched throat. Reaching into your bag, you pulled out your waterskin, approaching him and raising it to his mouth. He accepted the water, keeping his eyes on yours as he drank from it. You gave him all the water you had in the waterskin; you could get more to drink later, but he clearly couldn’t.

You found yourself distracted by a droplet of water that rolled down to his chin from his lips as you tried to think of what to say to him. Zed watched you, waiting for you to speak up first.

“You look bad,” you said at last, staring at his very obvious black eye.

He stared at you, expression flat. “That’s what you want to talk about?”

“It’s been a long time, Zed. I don’t know what to talk to you about after all these years,” you answered honestly. “We’re not the same people that we were when we were Kinkou.”

His eyes narrowed as you spoke. “You’re not Kinkou?”

Oh. You supposed that fact had yet to come up, but you had no reason to hide it from him. Even if he did hold any ill will towards you, he was securely chained and bound.

“I haven’t been a member of the Order in a long time. I left a few months after you attacked the temple,” you explained.

“But why would you…”

You sighed. “Because you were right. I couldn’t just abandon Ionia to soothe unruly nature spirits while Noxus was at our shores.”

He looked frustrated as he took the time to consider the new information. “You could have come to me.”

His voice was soft, but that didn’t make his words any less frustration for you. “How, Zed? I didn’t know where you went.”

“You could have left with me that day,” he insisted quietly.

You laughed humorlessly. “Did you forget that you asked me to come with you not even two hours after you killed Master Kusho?”

He didn’t reply, and you continued, the pent-up anger from wounds not fully healed becoming too much for you to hold back. “You left me without saying goodbye. For a whole year, I didn’t know if you were alive or dead, Usan! You didn’t even send one letter, and then you come back, kill Master Kusho and then try to pretend that we were like we used to be!”

You hastily wiped the few tears you felt pooling in your eyes with your sleeve. “You have Usan’s face, but I feel like I don’t know you anymore.”

You were getting too emotional. You were feeling entirely too exposed and vulnerable after your outburst, regretting lashing out at him almost immediately. Avoiding his eyes, you hastily retreated, exiting the trailer into the cold night air.

Running a hand through your hair as you tried to settle your nerves, you cursed your own actions. Your best chance to have a real talk with Zed and you had let your anger overtake you. As much as he was deserving of your ire, you should have kept your cool. You really needed to get a handle of your stubborn streak, you bitterly admitted.

You quietly crept into your tent, laying down under thin sheets and trying to sleep, but your thoughts kept drifting back to Zed. You were having trouble sleeping, but you weren’t strung up by your wrists. There was no way that sleep would come easily to Zed tonight, bound as he was. Your mind was troubled, but you didn’t have the physical impediments that were currently making it much more difficult for him to get any sleep.

You didn’t understand yourself; not even an hour ago you were yelling at Zed, but now you were feeling sorry for him. As much as you hated to admit it, your rationality all but abandoned you in the face of confronting your oldest friend. Maybe it was because you had known him for so long that you couldn’t fully condemn him now.

Some part of you had always felt something for him, and it was that part of you now that wanted to go back to that trailer and apologize for yelling at him. But your pride crushed any chance of that happening; you would see how you felt in the morning, and hope that you would have another chance to talk to him alone again. As you felt yourself slipping into sleep, you promised yourself that if that chance were to come, you wouldn’t allow your anger to rule you again.

The next day found you on the move, making your way out of the ruined town alongside the Kinkou. You had been silently walking at Shen’s side, your eyes looking ahead of you at Zed’s wooden cage. You hadn’t mentioned your conversation with Zed, and Shen hadn’t asked, not that you would know what to tell him anyways.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the sound of hoofbeats rapidly approaching. You looked to the side to see a rider in blue approaching you, or more specifically, approaching Shen. Shen stopped walking, signalling the rest of the Kinkou to do the same as the man on horseback came to a stop.

“A message for you from Akali,” the man said, removing a rolled-up scroll from his saddle bag and handing it down to Shen.

You had been wondering where Akali had gone, the last time you had seen her being after the town had been riddled with explosions.

Shen read the note quietly, re-folding it when he was done. After a nod from Shen, the messenger was on his way again, and you tried to catch Shen’s eye, your curiosity piqued.

Shen turned to you as he put the note in his pocket. “Akali has gone to Piltover in search of Jhin.”

“By herself?” you gasped. “That’s practically suicide!”

Shen’s serious expression told you that he agreed as he crossed his arms over his chest. “She is hasty, but she is not wrong. I must go to Piltover to find her before Jhin does.”

“…and Usan?” you asked as you both stared ahead at the wooden trailer.

Shen sighed. “Capturing Jhin is more important than my personal grudges. But if Zed wants to go after Jhin with me, he will have to do it my way. Jhin will be captured alive.”

You shook your head, knowing that Zed would not be happy about that, but it wasn’t like he had a choice in the matter. Shen needed Zed’s help, but it would be on his own terms. Shen was steadfast in his morals, and even Jhin would not cause him to falter.

“And you?” Shen asked. “Do you intend to travel with us to Piltover?”

You were flattered by the offer, and the underlying confidence Shen had in your skills, but you knew what you had to do.

“I can’t,” you answered. “It’s been bothering me… who freed Jhin?”

Shen’s eyebrows furrowed. “Zed keeps mentioning that. I can only wonder who it was he has told of Jhin’s location.”

“I need to find whoever freed Jhin,” you insisted. “Someone who would unleash that monster on Ionia… they’re as much of a danger as Jhin himself.”

“I wish you luck, my old friend,” Shen said after a moment of silence.

You smiled sadly. “You’ll probably need it more than me. Jhin is not an enemy to be taken lightly.”

“But not an enemy I can allow to continue to plague Ionia,” Shen added.

They would likely be leaving as soon as possible for Piltover, and you saw your window of opportunity closing. This wasn’t how you had intended to do things, but you had to go your own way, and didn’t want to leave any regrets behind.

“…before you free Zed, can I speak with him?” you asked quietly.

“I will go ready the horses,” Shen replied, giving you your answer implicitly.

You nodded as you both went your separate ways, and you noticed how the men guarding Zed’s prison seemed to all leave to busy themselves with other tasks as you approached the cart. You weren’t sure if you were embarrassed or grateful from Shen’s discretion, but for now, you intended not to waste this opportunity.

As much as you hated to think about it, you were both heading into very dangerous situations. You were going to be poking your nose where it didn’t belong, with people that would likely kill to protect their secrets, and Shen and Zed were going after the most brutal serial murderer in Ionia’s history. You knew there would be no sureties that you would all come back alive, which was all the more reason to bare yourself emotionally to Zed now.

You tucked some hair behind your ear, nerves creeping up on you as you were faced with the same wooden door from last night. The only difference between now and last night being that it was no longer dark, your eyes focussing on the patterns in the wood grain as you hesitated. Below all of his shadow magic and steely temperament, he was still the boy that had trained with you for years and given you the chance to be where you were now.

So why did you feel like a shy teenager confessing to a boy for the first time? You weren’t new to interacting with men; you had seduced men for your jobs before, and had met some men that you had liked as more than friends. But Usan was different to you, he had always been. You recalled him telling you the same thing ten years ago, right before he had kissed you.

You felt frozen with nerves, but you couldn’t keep Shen waiting. There was still a murderer on the loose, and Akali needed their help. You couldn’t waste everyone’s time with your indecision.

Zed looked the same as he had last night, save for his black eye, which was a deeper shade of purple than before. He stared at you as he stepped closer to him, trying to decide what to say with your limited time.

“…I missed you,” you said at last. “When you left the Kinkou, and for the past ten years.”

If this was potentially your last conversation with him, you would not let yourself get angry. You kept your voice calm, which seemed to surprise him. But you were determined that this time would be different to every other time you and Usan had parted; no matter what he had done, you would end this conversation with a smile on your face.

“I was bitter and dissatisfied,” he said, and you didn’t detect any anger in his voice. “And I made a selfish choice. You have every right to hate me for what I’ve done.”

“I know,” you replied. “But I can’t stay angry with you. You’ve done a lot of awful, stupid things, but you were also there for me when nobody else was.”

Zed sighed. “I saw a lot of myself in you back then. You wanted so desperately to serve the Kinkou that ignored your existence.”

You couldn’t help a laugh. “It was a little embarrassing to be a new apprentice in my early twenties when all of the other ones were eleven.”

“You never deserved that,” Zed growled with a frown and dark eyes. “The Kinkou were too stuck in their ways to appreciate the potential that you had.”

His unexpected defense of you warmed your heart. You had really missed talking with him like this, only wishing it could have happened under better conditions. But as you gazed at his face, feeling more at peace than you had in a long time, distant sounds of preparation from outside reminded you of your current situation.

“I intend to track down the person that freed Jhin,” you told him, watching closely as Zed’s jaw clenched ever so slightly. You wanted to know what the small change in his expression meant, but then his face went neutral again and you lost your opportunity to analyze him further.

Your nerve had never been higher, so you intended to make your move now. You moved closer to Zed, so close that you could feel his breath on your skin, his eyes brimming with intensity. You brought a hand up to his cheek, fingers trailing down a recent cut along his jaw. Zed didn’t flinch, unwilling to break his eyes away from yours.

“I know you’re going after Jhin,” you said, voice just above a whisper. “But I want you to make me a promise, Zed. If we both live through this, I want to see you without all of this. I don’t want you to leave me behind again.”

As you spoke, you leaned closer to Zed, now so close that your noses barely brushed. You didn’t miss the way he glanced down at your lips before looking back up to your eyes. Zed wasn’t stupid, he clearly understood your intentions, his eyes so dark with want that they were almost black.

“Well?” you prompted, fluttering your eyelashes playfully at him as you waited for a response from the bound man.

“Yes,” he said without delay. “I promi–”

You couldn’t wait any longer, holding his face still with one hand as you leaned in to kiss him. You were both so desperate for this, which was obvious by how quickly the kiss intensified. You were unable to help a moan, so quiet that only the two of you heard it, as Zed caught your tongue with his. Your head felt light as you continued to kiss, and you found yourself wishing that you had done this much sooner.

But Ionia needed you and Zed right now. As nice as this moment was, it had to end. It was with great frustration that you pulled away at last, nibbling gently on his lip as you went. His eyes opened at the same time as yours did, both of you breathing a little harder than you had before the kiss.

You sighed ruefully as you stepped back from him. “I’m holding you to that promise, Zed.”

You didn’t give him a chance to reply, turning and sauntering to the door, swinging your hips as you walked. You didn’t have to turn back to know his eyes were very likely on your ass, or at least you hoped that they would be for your effort to not be for naught.

Even knowing the danger that you would soon be walking into, you had a spring in your step as you climbed down the stairs and back down onto the dirt road you had been travelling on. Looking around, you saw Shen standing by a few horses and made your way over to him. Shen grabbed the reins of one of the horses, leading it up to you as soon as he noticed your approach.

“You got one for me too?” you asked, taking the proffered reins from him.

“We both have danger ahead in our paths,” he answered. “You may no longer be Kinkou, but you are still an important ally.”

His considerate nature made you smile. “I wish you luck, Shen. We’ll both need it.”

He nodded. “Jhin must be stopped, although I am under no delusion that this will be easy.”

You looked back over your shoulder at the lone wooden trailer. “Are you going to go and see him now?”

At Shen’s assent, you began to climb onto your horse. You felt like you had to leave before Zed was freed from his temporary cage; you knew that it would be harder to leave if you saw his face again. You would just have to hope that he would keep his promise and come find you after this was all over.

“Stay safe, Shen. I hope you can find Akali before she’s in under her head.”

Forcing a smile through your worry, you kicked your horse into motion and began to speed up the hill as Shen made his way over to Zed. You kept your focus on the road ahead of you, knowing you would need all of your focus on the arduous task you had assigned yourself.

Nothing was simple when you were dealing with the Navori Brotherhood. They were secretive, preferring to kill and intimidate from the shadows. For such a large and well-connected group, they left almost no tracks of their activities behind.

You had been travelling for weeks, following the tiniest hints that you were able to pick up, feeling like you were grasping at straws more often than not. Even with all your skill and experience, you were struggling to find the one clue that you needed to lead you to the person that had freed Jhin.

It was somewhat of a blow to your pride that your eventual lead came entirely by chance. You had taken to walking around towns at night, as that was when the brotherhood seemed to be most active. You had been unlucky that night, and had been heading back to your inn for the night when you finally got your lucky break.

“We know you’ve been supplying our opposition with coin. Did you think that the brotherhood wouldn’t discover your treachery?”

You froze in place as you made your way to the corner of the street that you were on, peering out from behind a wall to look upon the scene happening just around the corner. You observed men in all gray cornering a lone man against the dingy wall of an alleyway, the man against the wall stammering and shaking.

“I didn’t… I… I would never–”

“We don’t have time for your lies,” one of the men in gray hissed. “This is your only warning. You’ll be dead before we’ll have to ask again.”

The men wasted no more time, and you ducked back as they turned to head your way. You were narrowly able to hide behind an empty merchandise stand as the men passed by you, talking amongst themselves. Their voices were low and they passed by quickly, so you couldn’t hear much of what they were saying, but a brief mention of heading back to the base was enough to catch your interest.

You waited until they were most of the way down the street before you crept out of hiding and began to trail after them. They didn’t seem to be anyone of a higher position in the organization, judging by how easy it was to trail them without being noticed. They walked towards the south exit, looking like they were heading out of town.

As you followed behind them, you began to organize your thoughts on the local geography of this part of Zhyun. If you were right, then this path out of town led towards the city of Kashuri. You hadn’t been there for years, but couldn’t recall any increased presence of the brotherhood when you had been there before. You followed the men for another hour, grateful for the cover of night masking your movements.

You were surprised when the men diverted from the path to Kashuri, seemingly headed towards the rocky, mountainous coast. You had never had any reason to travel this way before, so you were walking in blind. It wouldn’t be hard for you to believe that there could be a Navori Brotherhood base in such a remote location; nobody would really have a reason to travel this way, and if they did, the menacing men in gray would have them turning and fleeing for their lives.

Another hour later found you freezing in your tracks as you watched the men approach the tent-lined rocky cliff. It was just early enough in the morning that there was some light rising on the horizon, allowing you to see just how many tents there were. The tents were composed of dull gray-green fabric tied around warped, gnarled tree trunks, so white that it almost looked like they were made of bone.

It was early in the morning, so there weren’t many people out and about, but the sheer number of tents set up along the coast gave you a good idea of their numbers. But the size of their operations was then the least of your concerns as you looked past the tents to see a tall structure rising out of the fog. It looked to be a natural structure, a temple carved from rock and supported by more of the bonelike trunks. You could only see the top of the temple, the lower section lost in dense, swirling fog.

You were tired, having been awake for nearly a full day by this point, but you knew that you had to make your move now. You couldn’t afford to wait and give the whole brotherhood time to wake up. The decision to free Jhin had to have come from the top of the brotherhood, and you were sure that you would find the person you were looking for in the mountain temple. You knew that it would not be easy to confront the leader of the Navori Brotherhood, but it would be even harder if the entire base were awake.

You waited until the men you were following had retreated into their respective tents before you began making your way around the tents and towards the patch of thick fog. As you got closer, you noticed some smaller towers bordering the main temple. You quickly dashed into the fog, staying low to avoid being seen by any potential guards in the smaller towers.

While the fog helped to conceal you, it also worked against you. The farther you walked in the fog, the more you began to suspect that it was unnatural in natural. You could barely see two feet in front of you, and were forced to navigate yourself solely by moving towards the temple that towered out of the fog, as it was the only thing you could see clearly.

The area was deathly silent, but that didn’t mean that you were alone here. You kept vigilant, one hand in front of you to give you warning in case there were any obstacles in your path. There had been nothing for a while, until your palm finally hit something solid.

Feeling along the surface, you realized that you had finally found yourself at the base of the rock that led to the temple. Looking upwards, you could just barely see the peak of the temple, the fog so thick around you that most of your vision was heavily obscured. You carefully began to circle the building, eventually coming upon a steep set of stairs that would take you to the top of the mountainous temple.

You started to ascend the stairs, the fog beginning to thin out the higher up you went. You still didn’t see anyone around, but that didn’t mean that you could let your guard down. As you emerged from the fog, you looked out at the too-peaceful scene before you.

The top of the mountain was quiet, and would have been almost serene if you didn’t know that it was manned by the most violent terrorist organization Ionia had known in many years. A stone path bordered by green grass led up to a short set of stairs leading up to the temple itself. The opening to the temple was a large archway, but it was too far away for you to see inside the temple from where you stood. Looking around, you saw wildflowers growing in small patches, as well as a gently flowing fountain made of rock.

The temple itself was in stark juxtaposition to the tranquil area that surrounded it, made up of rocky walls and large bone-white tree trunks that climbed the walls of the temple like ivy. You were entranced by the grim temple, but your fascination proved a weakness as you took a step forward, only to be grabbed from behind.

Instantly, your battle instincts took over as you unsheathed one of your daggers, stabbing it into the shoulder of the man who had grabbed you, pulling it back out and flipping away from him. The man cried and dropped to one knee, clutching at his heavily-bleeding shoulder. He was dressed like the other men, a lower-level member of the brotherhood most likely.

Almost immediately, you found yourself surrounded by men in gray from every direction. Cursing your luck, you got into your usual battle stance and got to work. You didn’t give the men the opportunity to attack first, darting out at the man closest to you and slashing at his neck, forcing him to back up or face losing his head. Your initiation seemed to spur the men into action, as they all began to advance on you, weapons at the ready.

They had a distinct numbers advantage on you, but that didn’t mean that you were helpless. The men seemed to rely on brute strength, and were all packed with muscle, which you were able to exploit with your speed as you darted around them, dodging attacks while getting jabs of your own in.

Soon, the stone walkway was painted with the blood of the men, but still more came at you. You were confident in your own skills, but you were well aware that you couldn’t hope to best the entire Navori Brotherhood, even on your best day. Your downfall came too quickly for your liking, a shuriken clipping your shoulder and startling you enough for you to make a slight positioning error, one that your foes pounced on immediately, grappling you and tackling you to the ground, each of your limbs held down by one of the men.

A man with a bloody cut on his cheek and a slash across his collarbone leaned down towards you. “And what would a girl like you be doin’ here?”

You didn’t like the way he said the word girl, but you didn’t intend to answer him either way. You glared at him, hoping that would send a clear enough message in the place of words.

“Well? Who wants to do it?” the man barked. “Ain’t no point in keepin’ her alive!”

You could do little but struggle vainly under the hold of the men, unable to move any more than a pinky finger. You looked around, desperately searching for anything that could help your current situation, but it was hard to see anything past the masses of men in gray. You had to be realistic about your chances of getting out of this, and things were not looking good.

You were considering your options when a voice rang out above the others from over the temple entrance.

“Stop!”

You assumed that the man who had called out was a higher rank than the group of men that surrounded you, because they froze immediately in place without question. Just who was it that had called out? You could hear the voice, but you couldn’t see the man, your vision blocked by the men that surrounded you.

“Bring her here!” the man demanded. “Our lord wants to see her!”

You were hauled to your feet and dragged towards the temple as you continued to try and access your options. You had no idea what this lord of theirs could want with you. The Navori Brotherhood did not waste time idly, so there had to be some reason for their leader to want to see you, but you couldn’t fathom what that reason could be. If they wanted to interrogate you, that could easily have been done by someone of lower rank. So why would the leader go to the trouble of meeting with you themself?

You didn’t bother resisting; there were too many men surrounding you to make escape easy, and besides, you couldn’t allow yourself to pass up this chance to discover the identity of the person that had ordered Jhin freed from his prison. So you went along with the men, unsure of what exactly it was that you were heading towards.

You were dragged through the large archway that led into the temple, finding yourself in an entryway of sorts, the walls bare except for the usual deathly white branches that wound their way up the walls. The room you were in was small and led to another room farther in, although all you could see in the room ahead of you was what looked to be the beginnings of a staircase.

When you arrived at the entrance to the next room, the men let go of you at last, tossing you into the room. You landed roughly on the floor, turning back to glare at the men who now stood in the way, blocking the exit. You were calculating your next move, but a call of your name from behind you stopped you in your tracks.

You turned slowly around, and were unable to believe your eyes. The room was large, the walls tall and gray, with branches hanging from the ceiling. The central focus in the room was a short staircase that led up to an ornate chair. The tops of the stairs were decorated with simple bowls on either side that burned brightly with fire. As ominous as the room was, it could not compare with the terror you felt as your attention was drawn to the figure that sat on the throne, staring smugly down at you.

“Master Kusho…?” you questioned, unable to keep the shock you felt out of your voice.

The man before you looked much older than you remembered him as and carried a sinister aura that wasn’t there before, but you had no doubt that you stood before Shen’s father and former leader of the Kinkou. You stared in disbelief as you tried to make sense of what you were looking at; Master Kusho was alive, there was no doubt of that. But how was this possible?

“But you died…” you stammered with incredulity.

Kusho looked unimpressed as he levelled a haughty look your way. “The dull question of a nobody. It is a wonder any master took you on.”

You bristled at the insult, still too in shock to form the words for a reply. You had presumed him dead, killed by Zed so long ago, only to find out that he was alive, and appeared to be the head of the Navori Brotherhood. But that meant…

“Why did you free Jhin?” you questioned angrily. “You were the head of the Kinkou… I thought you cared about Ionia!”

“You misunderstand,” Kusho sneered. “It is because I care for Ionia that I command the Navori Brotherhood now.”

“You care for power, not Ionia!” you yelled back at him, your anger building up as you stared at him, not seeing any hint of remorse in his smug visage.

“Power is what is required to unify Ionia,” Kusho replied dismissively. “If you are looking for someone to blame, then look to your precious Usan.”

Your breath hitched at the mention of Zed, and it did not go unnoticed by the man before you as his patronizing grin only grew wider at your plight. As you glared at him, your eyes were drawn to either side of his chair, where two tall, imposing statues of Kusho himself sat, almost looking as if they were also looking down on you with their stone eyes. You never could have imagined that the proud, pious Master Kusho could turn into the cruel, vicious man before you.

“Zed convinced me to fake my death, that day in Thanjuul. Then we were free to use the forbidden magics of the Kinkou, and the Kinkou could remain pure in its mission.”

He was explaining the events like it was a reasonable decision, like it was a decision that was easy for you to understand. But he was acting like the Kinkou was some unrelated party to him, and that pissed you off.

“And what about Shen? He thinks that his father is dead!” you retorted.

“Shen’s father is dead,” Kusho replied coldly. “He was never strong enough to be my son in the first place.”

How could he say that? Shen was still struggling with his father’s death, even all these years later, while Kusho didn’t even care. Your heart hurt for Shen; his father had deceived him without batting an eye, all in the name of power. And clearly Kusho wasn’t the only deceiver, nor the one who had come up with the idea to fake his death in the first place; that honor rested solely with Zed.

“But he never…” you trailed off, unable to stomach the fresh waves of betrayal that washed over you.

Kusho seemed to know where your thoughts were heading as he snorted smugly. “That fool swore to me on his honor that he would not reveal our deception. And it seems that Zed values his honor above you and Shen both. A pity.”

And here you thought that you had finally begun to get closer to Zed again. But all that time, he held this secret close to his chest. Every time you had confronted him about killing Kusho, he hadn’t denied it, continuing to let you believe the lie. And now that you knew what had become of Kusho, you weren’t convinced that everyone wouldn’t have been better off if he had actually died that day.

But even through the hurt you felt, you realized that he hadn’t properly answered the question that had brought you here.

You dared to step closer to the raised platform, and Kusho didn’t so much as flinch from his position atop his throne. “Why did you free Jhin?”

Kusho stood up at last, and with a quick hand motion, you were grabbed from behind by the men who had been at the door. You struggled, but your daggers had been taken from you in the previous fight, so you were left with few options and forced to watch Kusho move about the room.

He approached a short pillar that sat just behind his chair, picking up a small blue box that had sat there. Holding the box as if it was a treasure, he began to descend the stairs, walking towards you.

You thought that he had looked bad from his throne, but he looked even worse up close. He was thin, thinner than he had ever been before, the skin of his face stretched almost too thinly over his face. His eyes were a chilling shade of gray, the whites of his eyes now black, which you could only assume was a product of the forbidden shadow magic he had obviously consumed.

He came to a stop a few feet from you, the swirling black liquid in the box he held unnerving you. “Without the war, the people forget that they must be afraid. To unite Ionia under my rule, I must give this land something to fear.”

You couldn’t hold your tongue. “Jhin destroyed the entire port of Nanthee! Hundreds lost their lives for your twisted plans!”

“The lives of peasants do not concern me, and the people believe that Nanthee was destroyed by foreign foes. Just a few more attacks on the larger cities and then all of Ionia will bow to my leadership,” Kusho explained remorselessly.

“You would kill Ionia to unite it?” you replied lowly. “You’re sick. Truly sick.”

“You may yet see things from my point of view,” he said, not looking at you, but instead at his men. “Hold her still.”

A third man approached you, and for some reason stood just off to the side, allowing Kusho the room to stand before you.

“Zed is making his way here as we speak, and I have no use for a disobedient apprentice,” Kusho stated disdainfully, while your heart soared at the news that Zed was on his way. “You should never have come here. But now that you have, I will take the opportunity to break you.”

You couldn’t ask for clarification as the man that was on standby grabbed your face with both hands, forcing your jaw open as Kusho and his unsettling box got closer. You began to panic as Kusho started to tilt the box towards your open mouth, but try as you did, you were locked in place.

“We will see how you handle the magic of the ancients,” Kusho said cruelly. “I may have you replace Zed after I kill him… if you live.”

With that, Kusho began to pour the thick, repulsive black liquid down your throat. It looked like ink, and the taste burned your throat as you tried desperately to spit it out. Unfortunately, the men had no intention of letting you spill the liquid magic, as your mouth was forcibly closed, your throat pressed on until you were forced to swallow the unpalatable substance.

Immediately, the men let you go and you fell to the floor, your whole body burning with the worst pain you had ever felt. You wanted to try and throw up the liquid, but your strength was rapidly leaving you as your body began to convulse, your grip on consciousness weakening more and more by the second.

“Leave us,” you heard Kusho instruct his men. “I will handle Zed alone.”

You wanted to fight, to try and warn Zed of what he was walking into, but you found that you didn’t even have the strength to hold onto consciousness anymore as you felt your world fall into painful darkness.

If he was being honest, Zed would have promised you anything in that moment to get you to kiss him. While you had been friends for a long time in your youth, Zed had always had a hard time trying to decipher how you truly felt about him. When he had kissed you and been rejected, he had closed himself off to the possibility that you had any interest in being with him.

When he had left the Kinkou that day, he was too blinded by anger to pay much attention to how much he was hurting you. Thinking back on it, he felt like such an idiot. You had finally become a Kinkou apprentice, the thing you had wanted all your life, and he had abandoned you right after you told him. At the time, your announcement had stung him, a bitter reminder that even you were on the side of the Kinkou, and not him.

He was too young and foolish at the time to understand that you had not seen the horrors that he had. All you had known was the Kinkou base in Thanjuul, so it wasn’t fair of him to expect you to understand the negatives of the Kinkou doctrine like he did when you had never been given the opportunity to do so.

In the year he was gone, he wanted he see you, to send a letter, but he couldn’t bring himself to do either. He tried to justify his inaction with how busy he had been forming his shadow order and fighting against the Noxian invaders, but he couldn’t fool himself with his own excuses. Beyond his guise of being too busy, he knew that he was trying to hide the truth; that he thought that he didn’t deserve to see you after what he had done to you.

The war efforts were a good distraction, but not good enough to keep his thoughts entirely away from you. He had a full year to live with his regrets as he continued to stay away, at least until that day at the temple. He could not beat Noxus without the Kinkou’s box of ancient shadow magic, that much was obvious. And he would do whatever he had to do in order to get it.

That day, Kusho had followed him down into the catacombs of the temple, intent on convincing his former student to return to the Kinkou, but Zed was intent on the opposite. If Kusho were to fake his death and assume control of the Navori Brotherhood, then the Kinkou could still remain balanced, and Zed would be free to take the Tears of the Shadow with Kusho’s blessing. Zed knew that he was making himself an enemy of the Kinkou with his actions, but he would do anything to save Ionia, even if you and Shen believed that he had killed Master Kusho. After all, he had already done so much to hurt you, what was one more betrayal on top of the others?

He believed that he was doing the right thing, destroying any hope of a relationship with his former friends in order to protect Ionia. He was firm in his decision, and was staring out at the chaos of the temple, about to turn and leave the scene when he caught sight of you.

You looked weary, which was understandable given the trauma that Zed had inadvertently caused you. He was expecting you to walk back down to the monastery, but was surprised when you turned and began to make your way into the trees. The scene was so familiar to him that it spurned his feet into motion as he headed into the forest as well. Maybe it had been simple nostalgia that had him following you to the spot where you had trained together so many times, but Zed didn’t stop to question his own motives.

Zed knew that he had been too selfish, thinking that he could have the shadow magic in his grasp and you by his side. He had been desperate and stupid, thinking that his kiss could make you want to leave with him that day. As much as it hurt to have you believe he had killed his former master, he could not break his promise to Kusho. To get the power he needed, he would have to let you go.

In the ten years it had been since he had seen you, he was never fully able to keep you out of his mind. He wondered where you were, what you were doing, and in darker times, wondering if you had survived the war with Noxus at all. His shadow order, the Yanléi, had only grown in numbers, and he certainly had the power and influence to discover your whereabouts, alive or dead, but he never did.

Part of him wanted to bite the bullet and do whatever he had to do to find you and make sure that you were alive, if only for his own peace of mind. But if you were alive, then that invited many other concerns that he wasn’t sure he wanted to think about.

It was not against Kinkou doctrine for members of the Order to marry or have children. Children of the Kinkou usually went on to become Kinkou themselves, just as had been the case with Shen. Just as quickly as he allowed himself to think he may see you again, the excitement turned sour in his stomach as he pictured you with a husband and child, and then his curiosity all but abandoned him.

You weren’t his, it had been made quite clear to him the last time he had seen you that you didn’t want to be with him. It had been ten years; it was pitiful for him to be so concerned about where you were in life. He should just have been happy enough to know that you were alive, anything more than that wasn’t his concern.

He had almost convinced himself that you would remain out of his reach until that night on the bridge. He had been tailing Shen as his former friend investigated leads into Jhin’s whereabouts, and had been watching Shen’s former student dangle a man from a bridge when a figure began to approach the scene. What looked to Zed to be a monotonous exchange quickly attracted his attention when the stranger stepped into the light of the moon, revealing a face that he hadn’t seen since that moment in the forest ten years prior.

It was hard for him to believe that he had found you again, even days later in the market in Kotha as he watched your group question merchants. He had kept his focus on Shen, and that had been his downfall as you had cornered him in an alleyway, assumedly mistaking him for a spy.

In that short interaction, he was able to see just how much you had changed since he had last seen you. You were more confident than you ever had been, and he had found himself impressed that you had managed to trick him into believing that you were a simple courtesan when you had pushed him into the alleyway. When you had stormed out of the alley, frustrated with him, he couldn’t bring himself to follow after you.

The next few days, he found his eyes drawn to you, though he couldn’t bring himself to reveal himself and approach you. It wasn’t unthinkable that you would be helping Shen track down Jhin, but he was still surprised to see you. It almost felt like rubbing salt in his wounds to see that you were still as pretty as you had always been, and still as uninterested in him as ever. He supposed that this was his punishment for his deceptions, being stuck so close to his former friends while knowing they despised him.

He had been standing close by as you and Shen entered the elder’s residence to deal with the likely-grotesque bodies of Jhin’s victims. Knowing that he wouldn’t be able to get any closer, Zed busied himself with looking around the small port town for any signs of Jhin. As he walked around town, he began to notice something odd; along with the simple paper lanterns that were strung up on wires around the town, there were also large crimson lanterns that struck a sinister chord of familiarity within him.

Quickly climbing onto a nearby roof, he pulled one of the bulky lanterns towards him, pulling the top off to look inside. It was with a spark of irritation as Zed confirmed his suspicions; the lantern was a bomb. And there were hundreds of identical ones strung up all over the town.

Abandoning the lantern, Zed made his way to higher ground, scaling a higher rooftop as his eyes began to search the crowd. If the whole town was wired to explode, then there was no doubt that Jhin would have to be here somewhere. The lanterns were not just a flashy display; Jhin was testing the limits of what he could do, and likely intended to use the chaos to cover his escape. The lanterns lined every street, leading up to a docked boat at the end of the wooden dock.

Before Zed could consider a plan of attack, his gaze was drawn to a single figure in the crowd. An unremarkable figure in the eyes of the people milling about the street, but not in Zed’s eyes. It was Jhin, he was certain of it; his suspicions confirmed as he realized the man was staring back at him.

Without a thought to anything else, Zed dove down, shedding his disguise as he chased after Jhin, who had fled the moment that Zed had given chase. As he used his shadow dash to try and close the gap, he heard Shen’s voice behind him as his former friend angrily chased after him.

Zed tried to warn Shen about the bombs as he kept on Jhin’s tail, but his warnings fell on deaf ears; Shen was too distracted by his anger to stop and listen to Zed’s words. As they reached the end of the dock, their time ran out. Jhin gleefully proclaimed his victory as he boarded the departing ship, and then Zed realized he was exactly where Jhin wanted him to be.

The spark had been ignited, and explosions rang out as the lanterns began to detonate. Watching the town become engulfed in explosive blasts snapped Zed’s focus back to his own situation. The lanterns lined the entire dock, including the section above his and Shen’s heads. Without giving it a second thought, Zed threw himself at Shen, sending them both into the water below as colorful explosions detonated over their heads.

The ship that Jhin was on had set sail as the explosions decimated the town, and while it was slowly getting farther away, Zed knew it was still within range of his shadow step. If he used it now, he could catch up to Jhin and take him out like he desperately wanted to. But as he swam in place, he realized that Shen had yet to crest the surface of the water, so he instead dove under the water to grab his sinking friend, pulling him back with him onto the beach. Jhin had gotten away, but he wasn’t willing to let Shen die just to catch the golden demon.

As Zed watched the boat get farther and farther away, Shen rose, spirit blade in hand and ready to strike. The destruction around them; this was why he and Shen needed to work together. They would never catch Jhin working apart like this.

But once again, Zed’s words would fall on deaf ears. Shen was too angry as he insisted that the town had only been destroyed because Zed was there to be Jhin’s audience. Zed had tried to make Shen think about who Jhin was working for, hoping that his friend would seek out the truth that Zed’s honor bound him to conceal, but Shen would hear none of it.

As they fought, Zed thought of another option. They needed to work together, that was an absolute fact. But Shen was stubborn and bitter, though not without cause. His last chance to get Shen’s cooperation was to put the power in Shen’s hands. So as they fought, Zed put less effort into his strikes, and took more hits. As Shen’s last blow sent him into unconsciousness, Zed hoped that his capture would be the final push Shen needed to agree to join forces with him to take down Jhin.

Zed wasn’t surprised to wake up in a wooden cart, strung up by his wrists and shirtless. It wasn’t comfortable, but he had been in worse situations. Shen had been thorough; Zed could immediately feel that his connection to the shadows had been blocked by the paper talismans that had been pasted all over his wooden prison.

His mind could only be so occupied by Jhin before thoughts of you crept up. You had undoubtedly been in the town when it had exploded, but he didn’t consider for one second that you hadn’t made it out. The skill he had seen you demonstrate before told him all he needed to know about your capabilities. Then the question on his mind became whether or not you would visit him in his cell.

Your conversation from a few days prior had ended on a decidedly unfinished note, and while Zed wanted the opportunity to speak with you again, he wasn’t sure if or when that chance would come. He had only spoke with you for a moment, so he had no real way of knowing just how much your personality had changed since he had last seen you.

It was well into the night by the time you had finally come to see him. He was surprised when instead of saying anything, you had offered him your water, which he couldn’t refuse with how dry his throat felt. He tried to search your face for any insights on how you were feeling, but your face had remained stubbornly neutral. However, that hadn’t lasted long.

It was another bitter pain in his chest to discover that you hadn’t been Kinkou in a long time, but you still had no interest in being at his side. You had freely aired all your grievances with him, while he couldn’t muster any words in his defence. And why should he? Everything you said was indisputable; he knew he had let you down several times over, but hearing it from your lips made the sting of his past actions even more potent.

When you left, the air felt sour with regret. Zed sighed as he tried in vain to position himself so his arms would ache a little less. Your anger with him was justified, but even though he knew it was unlikely, he couldn’t help but find himself wanting to see your smile again, to talk with you like you used to when you were both younger.

You had come to see him again the next afternoon, and Zed found himself almost stunned by your change in demeanor. When he had expected more anger and hatred, you had given him a taste of how the two of you had been many years before. Zed found his guard lowering at last, at least until you announced your intentions to seek out the person who had freed Jhin from his cage.

He had been trying fruitlessly to lead Shen down that path, as then the truth could be uncovered without breaking his promise to Kusho, but he hadn’t anticipated you taking up the cause in Shen’s stead. He knew very well what lay at the end of your quest, but honor bound his tongue. Kusho was not a weak man in terms of both power and resources, and would spare no cost to maintain his rule over the brotherhood, as well as his closely-guarded secrets.

Zed himself intended to seek out Kusho after Jhin was captured, with or without Shen, but even with the skill you possessed, Zed was concerned. He knew Jhin was first priority, so he forced away any thoughts of abandoning his current cause to stay by your side, but that didn’t mean he felt good about letting you go down this road alone.

He found himself all too willing to agree to your request, and not just to get you to kiss him. He hadn’t thought that he would hear you ask him to come find you once this was all over, and even knowing that he was not the caliber of man that deserved your company, he had agreed. He had made the promise to you, and then you had kissed him. He had no choice but to watch as you left, the chains on his wrists feeling even more restrictive as they stopped him from pulling you back to him when all he wanted to do was kiss you just a bit longer.

Shen came soon after you had left, and the atmosphere in the small wooden room turned serious as talks turned to Jhin. But nothing was ever easy with the two former friends; Jhin needed to die, or else there would be a risk of this happening again. The only way Ionia could be safe was if the barely-human monster was somewhere that he couldn’t escape from, and death was a box that Zed was eager to put him in.

But Shen didn’t agree. The only way that they would work together would be if Zed agreed to capture Jhin alive. He was not Kinkou, and he didn’t agree with Shen’s pacifism, but he had no choice but to agree to Shen’s demands, because with the chains on his wrists and the magic-binding talismans surrounding him, he had no way to escape of his own power.

They were to set off to Piltover immediately, on the trail of not only Jhin, but Shen’s former apprentice, who was most likely rushing headfirst into danger beyond what she could imagine. When they arrived in Piltover, the first merchant Zed had asked had admitted to seeing Akali arrive a month prior, so they would have to work fast.

As they begun to follow Akali’s tracks, Zed tried again to entice Shen into investigating the person who had released Jhin and continued to fund his terrorism, but to no avail. He had pushed too hard on the subject, and Shen had become suspicious, accusing him of revealing Jhin’s location to someone. Zed had no choice but to drop the matter; no matter how much he wanted his friend to learn the truth, he could not force him on that path, and he could not tell him the truth himself and break his oath to Kusho.

Jhin’s trail led them to Piltover’s theatre district; it was only natural that someone as dramatic as Jhin insisted upon a literal stage as his battleground. Zed and Shen dashed down the isle of an empty, abandoned theatre, breaking through a window and finding themselves exactly where they needed to be.

They were high above Piltover, landing on an abandoned train track that now looked like something out of a nightmare. Gnarled trees sat atop monstrous works of machinery, each equipped with drills for arms and outfitted with several rocket launchers. Clearly a lot of work had gone into the planning of this scene; Jhin never did things half-heartedly, not when it concerned his art.

Jhin himself sat on an old mining cart, rifle in one hand as he stared in the direction of the two men. Hanging from one of the trees behind the golden demon was Akali, her wrists bound by rope that was tied to a thick branch of the tree. Zed couldn’t tell if Akali was conscious or not, but she seemed to be unharmed, at least for now.

Shen wasted no time, diving at Jhin with his divine blade despite Zed’s warning that this was clearly a trap. Zed readied himself for the likely fight to come as he watched Shen tear into Jhin, who burst into cogs and wires. A mechanical dummy dressed as its creator.

As Shen discovered the ruse, the sky lit up with explosions of color as Jhin descended from the sky on a raised platform, mechanical arms in the shape of opening flowers lowering at his side. Zed slinked in the shadows as Jhin began to taunt Shen, alluding to the great secret that Shen had yet to figure out for himself.

As Jhin aimed his pistol at Akali’s face, Zed struck, tossing a large shuriken out as Shen leaped up to cut the supports on Jhin’s platform. The flower-like metal appendages struck out, one pinning Zed to one of a tree as another knocked Shen to the ground. In his usual overconfidence, Jhin had dodged Zed’s shuriken as he made his way to Shen’s prone figure, gun at the ready. But Jhin had failed to account for one thing… Zed’s shuriken hadn’t been aimed at him.

Akali, her ropes cut free by the shuriken, charged at the masked killer, landing a strong punch to the surprised Jhin. Grabbing his gun, she knocked him down and took aim, only stopped by Shen’s shout. Where Akali backed off, Zed quickly took her place in front of the crazed artist, the hidden blade in his gauntlet raised high.

Zed demanded that Jhin tell them now he escaped his prison, who had freed him. Even if he could not tell Shen himself, he could still force the truth out of Jhin’s mouth.

But Zed’s last selfish attempt to have his old friend learn the truth regarding his father was doomed to fail. Jhin remained coy as he plainly refused to state who had freed him, clearly taking pleasure in denying Zed the information he desperately wanted Shen to hear.

“Think of it this way, Zed,” the artist spoke calmly. “I was set free, but now that means you’re free too.”

Zed’s frustration boiled over as he tossed Jhin to the ground at Shen’s feet. As irritated as it made him to admit, Jhin was right. By freeing Jhin, Kusho had shown Zed that he was no longer worthy of his loyalty. He knew that Kusho was ambitious, but Ionia would be recovering from Jhin’s antics for years to come, all for Kusho’s cruel need to gain more power. He would have to end this now, this confrontation had been coming for some time. Zed dove from the bridge, leaving Shen and Akali to deal with Jhin as he began his journey back to brotherhood headquarters in Zhyun.

As he approached the base camp of the Navori Brotherhood, Zed reflected harshly on his own decisions. He had gotten to where he was now by lying and betraying those closest to him. Shen’s friendship was out of his reach, and he could only blame himself. He deserved to have Shen believe that he had killed Kusho as a punishment for his selfishness. He still had a hard time believing that you wanted to see him, considering you were still under the belief that he had killed Kusho as well.

He didn’t see any sign of you as he snuck around the camp and began to scale the rocky mountain face that would take him to Kusho’s throne room. He could only hope that you hadn’t found your way to this place; you would remain ignorant of the truth, but you would be safe. Kusho was dangerous, but Zed did not go into fights that he knew he couldn’t win. He would kill Kusho, and then he would try to keep his promise to you, as much as he felt that he didn’t deserve your company or your kindness.

Zed climbed over the ledge, walking the familiar path to the stony temple that Kusho was usually found in. As he stepped into the temple, it felt like this part of his life, the part where he had been bound to the brotherhood, was coming to an end. He owed a lot to Kusho, but not enough to look the other way when his former master released mass murderers on Ionia in order to bend the people to his will. Zed had taken the shadow ichor to save Ionia, but Kusho had allowed himself to be corrupted by the draw of its power. It was probably for the best that Shen wasn’t by his side, remaining unburdened by the truth regarding his father.

“You may have evaded my army, but you cannot hide your presence from me, Zed,” Kusho spoke from his place atop his throne, eyes dark and sinister, no trace of the humanity he used to possess residing within their depths. Zed’s apprentice, Kayn, sat on the steps below Kusho, watching the situation unfold silently. “You did not tell Shen of our deception.”

“I gave you my word on my honor, Lord Kusho,” Zed answered, feeling dissatisfied.

“But you were trying to get Shen to investigate into who released Jhin?” Kusho pressed, which Zed could not deny. “And now you plan to call me a fiend? To tell me that I made the wrong decision when I released Jhin?”

Zed felt his anger rising at Kusho’s total lack of care for the loss of human life he had facilitated, for the potential loss of his own life, as well as Shen’s. Kusho was truly human in form only, his heart warped and black with his hunger for power.

“Jhin reduced Nanthee to ashes!” Zed shouted. “He tried to kill me, to kill your own son! If you intended to betray me, there are others assassins you could have chosen!”

Kusho waved a hand dismissively. “You were more my son than Shen ever was.”

“You were supposed to keep Ionia safe from the shadows,” Zed argued. “Not let our people die for your ambitions!”

Kusho stood up, looking down at Zed from beside one of the statues of himself. “Ionia forgets the horrors of war. They forget that they need my protection. I am simply reminding them of what fear tastes like. The word has already spread of the attack on Nanthee. A few more attacks and nobody will question my will.”

“I chose this path to do what I could not in the Kinkou!” Zed said as he thought of all he had lost to give himself to the shadows. You and Shen had been lost to him for so long, only for Kusho to betray what he thought had been their shared ideals for protecting Ionia. “By taking a life, I could save many more. But you do not place value on the lives of innocents any longer.”

“Nobodies and peasants will bow to me or they do not deserve my protection,” Kusho asserted haughtily.

“I was once a peasant and a nobody,” Zed argued, and Kusho only cackled cruelly in response.

“And you do not bend to my will, so you must be replaced,” Kusho sneered, turning his focus to the raven-haired young man that had continued to sit by silently. “Kayn, kill Zed and become the new master of the shadows.”

Kayn slowly stood up, large scythe in hand. Zed stood still, observing his friend and apprentice as dark shadows swirled around his form. Zed did not move to take a defensive stance as Kayn began to descend the stairs and approach him. He knew that there were many things that could happen in the next moment, but he chose to keep his faith in Kayn and remain still.

“Many of our order wait outside,” Kayn drawled darkly. “They have no loyalty to you, and intend to serve me and Lord Kusho. They have no honor…”

As Kayn spoke, he turned, standing at Zed’s side and smirking up at Kusho, his scythe held proudly at his side. In that moment, Zed knew his faith was not misplaced, not this time.

“…but I know who my master is. And he taught me honor,” Kayn finished, turning to address Zed directly. “What should I do about the traitors to our Order that wait outside?”

“Kill them,” Zed said simply, and that was all that Kayn needed to hear.

“I’ll wait for you outside,” Kayn replied, leaving the room as Zed prepared himself for the fight to come, staring down Kusho as he would a corrupted nature spirit that needed to be put down.

“Your student is more obedient than mine ever were,” Kusho growled darkly as he ripped off his top, exposing the dark tattoos crafted from shadow magic that covered his torso and arms. “But thankfully, I have one other promising apprentice.”

Kusho reached a hand over to a short string, pulling it down as Zed watched, unsure of where this was heading. The pulled string caused a curtain at the back of the room to raise, a curtain that Zed couldn’t recall seeing on any of his previous visits to this place. And as the curtain rose, he immediately knew why that was.

Your prone body laid in the far corner of the room, and it was immediately obvious to Zed what had happened to you. You were unmoving, dark shadows swirling around your body as jet black veins ran along any patch of exposed skin Zed could see, large vine-like veins of shadow crawling up your cheeks and over your eyes. You had to be alive; the shadows would have abandoned your form otherwise as the shadows had no interest in the dead. But from what he could tell, you were close to death’s door, the shadow ichor clearly too much for your body to handle.

Kusho stared down at your dying form with visible smugness. “Did I give her too much? I have no need of an apprentice that can’t handle that much of the shadow ichor.”

“You…” Zed growled. It wasn’t too late to save you, to purge the shadows from your body, but he knew that if he went to you, Kusho would strike him down, and then you were both dead. He would have to go through Kusho to get to you, and if Kusho’s cruel laughter was anything to go by, he was very aware of Zed’s predicament.

“You left her behind all those years ago, but now she’ll have the shadows for company… if she survives,” Kusho sneered, raising the box of shadow ichor to his own mouth and taking a long drink of it.

Immediately, the sheer amount of shadow magic in his body reacted with the excess ichor he was consuming and Kusho’s pale skin turned a sickly blue-gray as four wing-like appendages burst out of his back. Kusho didn’t waste a second more, opening his mouth and spewing out a rush of shadow magic that Zed quickly jumped to the side to dodge. If Zed had any doubts of his former master’s remaining humanity, they had all been answered as he gazed at the monster before him. He would have to make this quick if he had any hope of saving your life.

“You were a weakling,” Kusho growled as he sent more shadow blasts at Zed. “So desperate for approval. You even cried when I gave you the name Usan.”

“You used me!” Zed retorted as he dove out of the path of Kusho’s shadow tendrils, only to find himself surrounded by faces that were all too familiar.

Figures made of Kusho’s shadows surrounded him, bringing him back to the moments that Kusho sought to portray on the faces of Zed’s memories. His mother’s crying face when she came to the temple all those years ago to beg him to come home, Shen’s stern face when he had seen Zed not as a friend, but as his father’s killer, and right in front of him was you, ten years younger than you were now, your expression twisted with despair. The face you had made the day he had told you he was leaving the Kinkou. Your sad, disappointed gaze stuck on him, guilt twisting his insides as he continued to evade Kusho’s attacks.

He sliced through the shadow figures that surrounded him with his hidden blades, the images dissipating into the air. The image of your face did not weaken Zed as Kusho had likely assumed it would; it had only reminded him of just what he was fighting for. You, the real you, depended on him right now as you desperately clung to life. If there was any time to make up for his past mistakes with you, it was now.

“She wanted to be with you, and you could have had her,” Kusho stated in mocking concern. “But you chose to kill and deceive, because you wanted power, just like I want it. You cannot escape your true desires, Zed.”

Zed continued to evade Kusho’s dramatic attacks, emboldening his former master further. “Why have you not attacked me, Zed?” Kusho questioned arrogantly. “Your pitiful honor will not allow you to strike me?”

Zed had been biding his time, waiting patiently as Kusho flashily displayed his powers, but with every move, Kusho’s weakness became clearer. Hardening his resolve, Zed summoned his own shadow clones at last, copies of himself appearing all around the shadow beast that was Kusho.

“Your powers are weakening already,” Zed stated plainly. “You have had these powers for months, but I have spent many years mastering the shadows.”

Kusho caught on to Zed’s assertion with an angered howl, but Zed did not falter.

“I wanted this power, so I let you use me. But you are not my master any longer, and you are not my equal. You should have never thought that you could hope to match me.”

As he finished speaking, Zed dove forward, his numerous shadow clones doing the same as Kusho’s corrupted flesh was pierced from every direction. As he struck the killing blow, Zed was very aware that this was it. He was free of Kusho’s will, but he had also become guilty of the crime that Shen had always believed that he had committed. Any last hopes of reconciliation between them died as Kusho’s body hit the floor, now just looking like a frail old man as the shadows left him.

He could mourn Kusho later; he had a much more pressing issue at the moment. Zed sprinted over to you, noting with bitterness that you looked even worse than you had minutes ago. Your skin was turning black as shadow, and your body felt cold under his touch. He would need to act fast.

Zed began to press down on your chest before pressing his mouth to yours to give you air. He desperately repeated the process for almost a minute before he saw any results. You began to sputter, barely conscious, and he held your body on your side as you began to throw up the inky black shadow magic you had been forced to ingest. As more of the ichor splattered on the floor, the shadows on your skin began to recede as color returned to your skin. At last, you passed out again, exhausted by the ordeal, but alive.

Heaving a sigh of relief, Zed wiped your mouth and chin with a ripped portion of the curtain before gently picking you up in his arms. He spared a glance towards the downed Kusho as he headed to the doorway, but was silent as he passed. The temple lit up in flames as Zed exited, likely a tactic of Kusho’s upon his death.

Kayn was waiting diligently for his master, corpses littering the ground around him. As soon as he saw Zed with you in his arms, Kayn stood up, approaching his master.

“I took out the ones out here, but thousands more are on their way,” Kayn told him before his gaze dropped down to look at you. “Is she okay?”

Zed looked down at you as well; your skin looked better than it had, but he knew that he couldn’t have gotten all of the shadow ichor out of your body. It would be up to you to pull through now, but he knew that he had to get you to safety before he could assess you further.

“She took in a lot of the shadows,” Zed answered simply. “But she’s breathing.”

Kayn frowned, looking torn. “I’m sorry I didn’t stop Kusho. You’d never mentioned her to me so I didn’t know she was important to you.”

Zed shook his head as the two men began their descent from the mountain. “You had no way of knowing. And if you had tried to stop him, Kusho would have seen through our deception.”

Kayn scoffed in annoyance. “That jackass really thought I intended to turn on you.”

“You could have,” Zed admitted. He had told Kayn to get close to Kusho in his stead, knowing that Kusho intended to betray him and take members of his shadow order to do so. Zed trusted Kayn more than any other within his order, but he also knew what the allure of power could make people do.

Kayn did not share Zed’s doubts, looking almost offended by the idea that he could ever betray his master. “You found me when I had been left to die. If you hadn’t taken me in, I would have had nothing. My loyalty and respect is earned, not bought by old fools with undeserved pride.”

Zed quietly considered Kayn’s words as the two walked down the steps that would lead them away from this place forever. They were truly against everyone now, so Kayn’s loyalty was needed now more than ever. The Kinkou, the Brotherhood, and the traitors to his order… they would all be out for his blood now. And now he had brought you into that danger with him. He doubted that you fully understood the danger you put yourself in by associating with him, the danger that would continue to plague you if you stayed by his side.

He sighed to himself. He would have to tell you everything when you woke up, he owed you that much. As much as he wanted you by his side, you deserved the right to make that choice after knowing the full situation. Even if it meant losing you again, Zed would not lie to you. But that would come later; first he had to get you somewhere safe if you had a chance at recovering from the ordeal you had suffered at Kusho’s hands.

You couldn’t breathe. The shadows filled your lungs, your throat… everywhere you had feeling in felt constricted with pain. Your surroundings all faded away, and it was getting hard to even think. The shadows crawled all over you, covering your eyes and ears. They removed all of your senses, demanding all of your attention.

You had no experience with shadow magic; the Kinkou magic you knew was no help in the face of the ancient dark magic. Eventually, your magic stopped responding to your calls as shadowy tendrils slithered over your face, pulsating in a rhythm that was beyond your understanding. You felt lost, unsure if you were conscious or not as you sunk further into the deep, inescapable darkness.

You felt like you were drowning with no way out when there was a sudden pressure on your chest. It wasn’t a comfortable feeling, but it shocked you out of the void you had been tumbling into. In the back of your mind, you realized that someone was by your side. You barely remembered where you were through the pain, leaving you no room to think about who had come to your side.

Your body was moved, leaving you feeling dizzy and nauseated, a familiar feeling in your throat pushing you to open your mouth as you began to retch. The ichor that had tasted awful going down somehow tasted even worse coming back up. Your throat burned from the effort as well as with the lingering effects of the shadow magic. After what felt like forever, your retching stopped. You still felt sick, but you didn’t feel like you were dying.

The shadows that had engulfed you began to recede at last, leaving your body feeling much less restrained. It was a great relief to feel your senses return to you at last, your world expanding out again as you were freed from the captive darkness. The shadows had fled from around your eyes, but you found that you lacked the energy to open them. You wanted to know what had happened and who had saved you, but you couldn’t find the strength, no matter how hard you tried. You wanted to stay awake, but it was no longer within your power to decide that for yourself. You were exhausted, physically and mentally, and you could put off unconsciousness no longer.

Before you were fully awake, your brain began to register the scene around you. You could hear birds chirping and feel a gentle breeze on your skin. You opened your eyes with a short yawn, reaching a hand up to cover your mouth as you surveyed your surroundings.

Your eyes went wide as you noticed just what it was that you had been resting on. Your head had been laying against soft black cloth, and upon opening your eyes, you found Zed’s face just above your own, his eyes closed in sleep. You found yourself staring at his face; the calm expression he carried in sleep was so foreign to how he was when he was awake.

Seeing his face reminded you of just how long it had been since that day where you had kissed him. The black eye Shen had given him had healed, and he looked a lot more at peace than you had ever seen him. As you shifted against him, you realized that he had one arm around you, his hand resting on your hip. Closing your eyes again, you allowed yourself to cuddle against Zed for a few minutes more before your nose couldn’t take it anymore. You weren’t sure how long you had been unconscious for, but the shadow ichor had done you no favors in the smell department.

You slowly began to remove yourself from Zed’s arms, not wanting to wake him up. Looking around, you found that you seemed to be in some sort of small clearing that was surrounded by trees. Zed had been leaning against a tree that bordered the clearing, but other than the two of you, you could see nobody else around. You would have to ask him what had happened when he woke up, but for now, you had bigger priorities.

Looking down at yourself, you grimaced. Your clothing was dirty, covered in dust and a too-hard black residue that must have been dried shadow ichor. Beyond that, your hair felt greasy and tangled.

You realized that you could faintly hear water nearby, and the opportunity was too tempting for you to pass up. You wouldn’t be long; it wouldn’t take too much time to go wash yourself and your clothes off. You didn’t want to wake Zed up anyways; given he had likely rescued you from Kusho, he deserved the rest. You could ask him what happened when he woke up.

Walking through the trees, you were relieved to find a small river that was deep enough to bathe in. Making your way to the water, you happily disrobed, eager to have a chance to feel clean again after all you had been through. The water wasn’t warm, but it wasn’t freezing, which was good enough for your current purpose.

Quickly stripping, you began to wash off your clothes first. The dirt and grass stains came out easy enough, but the shadow ichor was another story. You were able to lighten the dark stains with a lot of scrubbing, but it became clear to you that the ancient magic stains were not going anywhere. It was a shame; you had really liked that top, but you didn’t really want to walk around with the reminder of your ordeal staining your clothing.

After getting your clothing as clean as it could be with your current resources, you hung them up neatly on a tree branch before lowering yourself into the water. Despite its lack of warmth, the water felt heavenly on your grimy skin as you ducked under the water to clean your hair as well. You scrubbed at the patches of dirt on your skin, happy to watch the flecks of grime dissipate into the water.

It couldn’t have been that long since you had been at Kusho’s mercy, but it felt like the calm water was taking years of stress away from you. Then again, it could also be your reunion with Zed that was driving your mood up, especially after discovering that he hadn’t killed Master Kusho all those years ago. After all these years, you finally felt like you had gotten back the thing that had left you feeling like you were missing something.

While you wished that he had told you the truth, you understood why he hadn’t. But going forward, you hoped your relationship could become as close as it had once been again. Knowing Zed, he would require more persuasion with how much of a recluse he had been for so long. But he was clearly amicable to your kisses, and you slyly noted that you wouldn’t mind employing that particular tactic again. It wasn’t hard to admit to yourself that you weren’t satisfied just being his old friend like you had in the past.

As you were contemplating how to go about your plans to approach Zed, your quiet bath was interrupted by the sound of footsteps dashing across the grass. Standing up, you raised an arm to cover your breasts as you turned to face the intruder.

The footsteps stopped as you turned and saw Zed, whose concerned look morphed quickly into surprise as he took in your naked form. It looked like he had been searching around for you; you noted that the desperate look on his face was rather cute. And now that he was here, and you were already naked, the situation you had been hoping for had been dropped right in your lap, and you weren’t willing to let the opportunity pass you by.

Clenching the hand at your side into a fist, nails biting into the skin of your palm, you allowed the slight pain to motivate you into action as you let an inviting smile grace your lips. “Good morning.”

Zed looked taken aback by your forwardness, and it took everything in you to refrain from laughing at his expression. “You weren’t…”

“Sorry,” you apologized, wading to the edge of the river. “I needed a bath, but I didn’t want to wake you.”

Zed nodded, looking ready to turn back. “I’ll wait for you back–”

“Wait!” you called out, and he stopped, but didn’t turn back to face you. You didn’t plan on letting him escape that easily. “You’re here anyways… why not join me?”

Zed was still, a little too still, so you gave it one more shot. “Please?”

He sighed, finally turning to look at you. You didn’t want to scare him off, so you lowered yourself back down into the water before you lowered your arm from your breasts. He began to come closer, and you averted your eyes, staring at some shimmering rocks under the surface of the water as you listened to the sound of Zed disrobing. You were having a hard time wrapping your head around the fact that you and Zed were about to be fully unclothed; you were too old to let this get to you so much, but at the same time, you couldn’t help it.

Your thinking time was cut short as you heard Zed enter the water, ripples making their way to lap against your skin. As you heard him get closer, you found yourself unable to look his way, your cheeks likely red.

Zed didn’t stop until he was at your back, a shiver going down your spine as he leaned down, his mouth right at your ear. “Why won’t you look at me?” he asked, voice huskier than you had ever heard it before. “Isn’t this what you wanted?”

“I… it is,” you answered quietly.

“Then look at me,” he replied teasingly, and you didn’t resist as he gripped your shoulder, gently turning you around to face him.

You shouldn’t be acting like this. You had killed many people before, so why were you much more nervous now than you had been then? However, that nervousness faded the moment that you looked into Zed’s eyes, half-lidded and focussed on your lips. He looked more attractive than he ever had, and you let your eyes close as he quickly lowered his face to yours to press his lips against your own.

Zed took full advantage of his lack of restraints this time, one of his hands going to the back of your head while the other went down to your hip so he could pull you closer as he kissed you. Your slow reaction time left your arms caught between his own, which gave you the opportunity to place your own hands on his chest, fingers pressed against tight muscles and dark tattoos. Your previous experiences kissing him had not done him justice at all, because you were quickly beginning to feel dizzy from how much intensity he was putting into the kiss.

It also wasn’t helping your focus that being pulled as close to Zed as you had been was giving you just a little bit too much insight into how much he wanted this. You were enjoying his tongue in your mouth, but this had been a long time coming already and you were too impatient to allow things to move slowly. You found yourself wanting to overwhelm him, to see what he looked like when he lost himself fully in you.

You redoubled your efforts in the kiss, meeting a swipe of his tongue with a soft moan as you reached one hand beneath the water to wrap your hand around his hard cock. Zed stiffened at the contact, but didn’t pull away from you, although the responsiveness of his mouth against yours began to suffer when you started running your closed fist up and down his cock. Pleased with the response you were getting from him, you began to stroke him faster and faster, until he pulled away from the kiss at last with a low groan.

“You just can’t wait,” he chastised without malice.

“I’m tired of waiting,” you replied as you continued to stroke him, his eyes closing as he let out a deep breath. “I want you so badly, Zed.”

Zed inhaled sharply, as if your words had cut him, his eyes opening immediately, the intensity of his gaze stilling your hand and making you blush. You were the next one to be surprised as Zed’s hands went to the backs of your thighs, lifting you up and forcing you let go of his cock and grab onto him to keep yourself from falling back-first into the river. You yelped, wide eyes meeting his smug gaze as he began to wade towards the shore.

Once you were back on the grass, you were quickly laid on your back, Zed looking down at you, water dripping off his lower half. He knew that you couldn’t look away from him, and seemed pleased with the attention. You shivered as he ran a hand up your hip, trailing it up your body before closing his fingers around one breast. He began to massage your breast gently while his other hand went between your legs to rub against your clit, and the sensations were making it hard for you to focus on his words as you squirmed underneath him.

“I’ve wanted to see you like this for so long,” Zed admitted. “Are you sure that you want this?”

He was being so unfair, asking you questions while you were barely able to think. The best response you could give was a strained moan of his name, which brought a smirk to his lips as he leaned closer to you, removing his hand from your breast so he could support his own weight as he kissed you. He didn’t let up one bit with the circles he was making with his thumb on your clit, and you couldn’t do much more than moan under his touch, your hands around his neck and grasping at his hair.

“I want you, Usan. Only you, only ever you,” you sighed, staring up into his eyes, watching the way his breath hitched at your words, his eyes wide as if he couldn’t believe what you were saying. You noticed a flush to his cheeks, the sight only endearing him further to you.

“Stop,” he growled weakly in response. “If you keep talking like that, I won’t be able to hold back.”

“Please, Zed,” you whispered, and that was enough.

Your other leg was quickly wrapped around him as his cock sank into you, slowly at first and then faster when he noticed how easily you were taking him in. As he stilled, momentarily distracted by what he was feeling, you felt emboldened, grabbing the stunned Zed’s face and pulling him down so you could kiss him. Zed groaned into your mouth as you ground your hips up as much as you could, a sound that you were all too pleased to hear the usually-serious assassin make.

Zed pulled back from the kiss, panting lightly as he withdrew slightly from you, only to rock back in, the immediate prick of feelings causing you to let out a muted cry. Zed’s impatience was clear as he began to set a fast pace from the start as you tried to fight off the desire to close your eyes, desperate to watch Zed’s face as he stared down at you, eyes dark and hungry.

Soon, the pleasure you were feeling got too much to bear with your eyes open, and not a moment after your eyes were closed, you heard Zed’s voice, closer than he had been before, his lips against your ear as he continued to fuck you.

“I should have found you sooner,” he growled heatedly. “I should’ve had you like this… like I’ve always wanted.”

Zed moved down to suck at your neck, one hand shifting to move your legs higher up on his waist, the shift in angle causing his next thrust to hit even deeper against a spot you didn’t know you had. Combined with a well-timed drag of his teeth against your neck, you were so close to your peak that all you could do was clutch at Zed’s chest and biceps as you desperately moaned his name.

“I won’t let you get away again,” he promised. “I’ve only ever wanted you.”

Where had this Zed been hiding all of these years? The man he was now felt so foreign to everything you knew about your childhood friend, but at the same time, the sentiment behind his words hit such a familiar chord within you. You didn’t want to continue living job to job, with no meaningful companionship. You wanted to be with Zed just as much as he wanted to be with you, and you intended to tell him that as soon as you could form coherent sentences again.

But right now, you just wanted so badly to watch him get off, hoping he was as close as you were. Zed’s thrusts were getting slower, but deeper, and you took that as a sign that he was just as close as you. His cock continued to hit at the spot inside you that was above anything else, making you clench down hard on him, and with a deep groan, he repeated that same motion, watching you moan as your nails dug into his skin.

That was evidently enough for Zed as he stilled after one last push into you, his eyes closing as his jaw locked with tension. Just as you were starting to feel your own chances at orgasm escaping, Zed’s eyes opened, the heedy focus in them making you blush as he stared down at you.

Focussing on his face became difficult as Zed began to gently grind against you as his thumb rubbed at your clit, leaning down to kiss roughly at your neck as your pleasure climbed back up to a peak and you cried out. Zed made every effort to allow you to ride out your orgasm, rubbing slowly against you as he sucked on the side of your neck. You were left audibly panting when he pulled himself off of you at last to sit back on the grass, jerking his head to the side to try and move his sweaty bangs out of his face.

You sat up too, doing your best to ignore the unpleasantly messy feeling you had between your legs as you leaned into him, wrapping your arms around his back as you pressed your face into his neck, revelling in the closeness.

“I’m glad you kept your promise,” you said, voice muffled by his neck.

Zed sighed in response, his arms coming up to return the hug as he rested his chin on your head. “I wasn’t sure if I would. Not until I saw you laying in Kusho’s chamber, nearly dead. You make it hard to leave you alone.”

You were slightly disappointed, but not surprised as you pulled back enough for you to look him in the eyes. “You didn’t want to see me again?”

Zed frowned, looking down at the grass for a moment as you waited for his answer with a clawing unrest in your heart until he spoke up at last. “You deserve a better man than me at your side.”

Swallowing your frustration, you put a hand to his cheek, forcing him to face you. You could see regret in his eyes, as if they were swimming with the years of pain he had endured for the choices he had made. But now that you knew the truth at last, you would not allow him to leave you behind again.

“I’m pretty sure it’s my decision who I want to be with,” you replied teasingly. “You are a good man, whether you admit it to yourself or not.”

“What I’ve done… Shen will become your enemy,” he muttered.

“You let me handle my relationship with Shen,” you replied, frowning at his efforts to try and scare you away. You stared deeply into his eyes, stroking his cheek with your thumb and hoping he would accept what you were saying. “Zed, I love you.”

Zed blinked, his arms around you tightening as you watched his defeated expression melt into contemplation, but you didn’t intend to give him any time to think of more excuses.

“I want an answer, Zed,” you insisted. “I won’t let you go until you answer me, so I hope you’re comfortable.”

You saw a spark of life in his eyes at last as one of his eyebrows rose in a mock challenge. “You know that I can just use the shadows to escape?”

You narrowed your eyes at him, leaning closer, your breasts pressing against his chest. “If you even try–”

Zed smirked at your pouting expression, leaning down to kiss you. You refused to close your eyes, unwilling to allow him to distract you and make good on his teasing threats of escape. After a few seconds, he pulled back, a small smile on his lips.

“I suppose I can’t run away anymore, so I might as well accept it,” he said, your heart skipping a beat at the genuine emotion in his voice. He sighed, not looking at all upset to resign himself to his fate. “I’ve been in love with you for a long time.”

Satisfied with his answer, you closed your eyes as your mouths met again, happily accepting the passion he was putting into the kiss, his arms unwilling to let you go. It had been so long since you had felt a sense of belonging like you had when you had been with Zed when he was Govos, and when he had been Usan. But as you adjusted yourself against him, you realized that you had another problem to deal with. Reluctantly, you pulled back from the kiss, resting your forehead against Zed’s.

“I think we may need another bath,” you laughed. “Maybe several.”

Zed didn’t need any further hints as he picked you up, heading back towards the river, his footsteps only faltering minutely as you decided to press kisses to his neck as he walked. You were glad that your shadow magic-induced sleep had left you feeling well-rested, because you knew that your bath with Zed would likely leave you drained of all the energy you were currently feeling, although you were not complaining one bit.

“How long was I asleep for?” you asked as you pulled your shirt on over your head, relieved that it was at least marginally more dry than it had been when you had hung it on the tree branch.

“A day,” Zed answered as he fastened the straps on his gauntlets, flexing his arm to check that they were properly adjusted. “We’re a few hours away from one of my order’s bases.”

You finished adjusting your own clothing, leaning against a tree while you watched Zed put on the rest of his armor. His hair was dripping water droplets down his neck, and you watched as they rolled to the edge of his scarf, leaving small water stains in their wake.

“Thanks for saving me,” you said as Zed finished dressing himself. “I was too reckless. If you hadn’t been there…”

Zed looked like he had pondered that scenario himself, his gaze stony as he approached you, pulling you into him.

“But I was,” he replied simply.

You reached a hand up to lay on his chest, but jolted in surprise with a gasp when the hand faded into black smoke up to your wrist. Your panic reached Zed immediately as he pulled back to assess the situation, relaxing visibly when he noticed your vapored appendage.

“Calm down,” he said, the lack of any panic in his voice helping to bring your own level of stress down considerably.

You watched as he reached a hand up to yours, your hand returning to its normal solid state as he gently grasped your wrist, wisps of shadow dissipating into the air. When he let your wrist out of his grip, you waited for your hand to dissolve into smoke again, but to your great surprise, it stayed solid.

Zed spoke up again as you rotated your hand at the wrist, looking for anything unusual. “You threw up most of the ichor, but not all of it. It’s not surprising that you would develop some abilities from the amount you still have in your system.”

You were still a little panicked, and Zed gripped your hand, smiling at you with the patience of someone handling a small child. “You’re fine. I’ve had many years to master the shadows, I can teach you how to handle them.”

You let out a quiet laugh. “It’s been a long time since I’ve learned under you.”

“This time without having to hide away,” Zed added. “I can only hope the Kinkou will continue to evolve under Shen’s leadership.”

Hearing Shen’s name now felt bittersweet to you. He would not be so quick to forgive you for shacking up with his father’s murderer, and you couldn’t even tell him that it wasn’t true, because Zed had killed Master Kusho, even if it was many years after he had been believed to. You would shelve your worries about Shen for a later time; for now, you just wanted to sleep somewhere that wasn’t outside.

“You guys ready to go?”

You turned sharply at the new voice that came from behind you. A young man stood at the edge of the trees that bordered the clearing, only wearing clothing on his lower half, a large weapon slung on a harness over one shoulder. A spark of recognition ignited in your mind, a brief memory of seeing him in Kusho’s chamber sending your hand down to where your daggers would be, until you remembered that all of your weapons had been taken when you had been captured. A hand on your shoulder had you looking back to Zed, who shook his head at you, and you stood down, trusting his judgment.

“Thought I’d give ya some alone time,” the man said with a smirk as he walked over to you and Zed. “You seemed like you needed it.”

“Kayn…” Zed replied, sounding tired.

Kayn stopped in front of you, extending a hand towards you. “Name’s Kayn. So you’re Master’s girl?”

You took his hand, unable to help a laugh at his word choice. Looking over at Zed, you relished the awkward look on his face. Grinning happily, you turned back to Kayn.

“I suppose I am,” you answered, letting go of his hand.

“We should head out,” Zed interrupted, taking you by the hand and leaving Kayn to follow behind the two of you as you departed the forest.

Kayn was not one to be deterred, clearly, as he easily caught up to you, walking on your other side. The grin he sent your way was conspiratorial, and he didn’t leave you waiting long to find out what he was thinking behind that expression.

“So, do you have any embarrassing stories about Master Zed when he was young?” Kayn asked slyly, eyes darting to Zed and then back to you. “…did he ever wet the bed?”

Zed’s hand tensed in your grip, and you laughed at his student’s eager questioning. “Let me think…”

Before you could ponder the question, you felt a strange sensation in your hand that was in Zed’s grip, and were barely able to look down and see that your hand had turned to shadow again before your vision went black for a moment. When you regained your senses a second or two later, you found yourself and Zed at the top of the hill that you had been climbing.

Looking back down the hill, you saw Kayn at the bottom beside two figures made of shadow. You looked at Zed beside you, who seemed to be purposefully looking away from his apprentice who had been left alone at the bottom of the hill, your shadow clones as his only company.

“Zed, did you just–”

Your question was promptly cut off by a shout from the bottom of the hill.

“Master, you can’t just shadow dash her away from me!” Kayn shouted as he began to climb the hill. “I’ll find out eventually!”

With a quiet huff, Zed tugged on your hand, pulling you along the grassy path and away from the still-shouting Kayn. Glancing at Zed’s face, you smiled. You would have to think of a good story to tell him when Kayn finally caught up to you, provided Zed didn’t cheat and shadow dash the two of you farther away again.

[memorylang]

12 Months’ Pandemic Chronicled | #51 | March 2021

Happy Palm Sunday yesterday, and Happy Passover from the night before! Right under two weeks ago, March 16, 2O2I, marked the one-year anniversary to the close of my first Peace Corps Mongolia service. While I’ve continued to serve virtually, I’ve done so informally as a Returned Peace Corps Volunteer. Having lived these past 12 months back in the States, today’s tales chronicle that year. 

Also commemorating the one-year anniversary, I’ve uploaded dozens of photos from my first nine months serving Mongolia. You can find those on my Instagram and Facebook, from February and March. I begin today’s stories with those. From there, I chronicle my journey across the year. 

Evacuating Mongolia (February 2O2O)

February’s final week, on Ash Wednesday 2O2O, I was in Mongolia celebrating the third day of Tsagaan Sar, its Lunar New Year. Returning to my apartment from my last supper, I read an email from Peace Corps Mongolia that we were evacuating. I pulled an all-nighter packing my apartment. Shortly after sunrise, I visited a Peace Corps neighbor’s apartment to pack theirs. Then in my final two days, I said hasty goodbyes to community members, exchanging parting gifts. 

Sunday morning, which began Peace Corps Week and March 2O2O, I and fellow Volunteers loaded into Peace Corps vehicles and rode in our caravan till evening. Then the snowstorm caused us to need to stay overnight in a hotel coincidentally located in a city that my cohort would frequent during our summer 2OI9 for training. My evacuation group reached Mongolia’s capital Monday afternoon, with briefings from staff throughout Tuesday. Mongolia had already begun to enforce mask-wearing and physical-distancing, so we couldn’t do much with our final hours in Mongolia. Indeed, since mid-January, many public places had already closed due to quarantine. 

Wednesday night, the week after my peers and I had received notice of our evacuation and now mere hours before my group would depart the country, we awaited the arrival of fellow Peace Corps peers to the capital. For, Peace Corps staff staggered our arrivals into and departures from the capital to account for both the time drivers would need to assemble us from across the nation and the limited flight options still going out of the country. Those of us who remained awake through our final night enjoyed getting to see and embrace peers for our final moments together. 

Over the course of Thursday, March 5, my group flew first from Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia, through Moscow, Russia, to Berlin, Germany. Many of our itineraries diverged. From Germany, I and a few flew to Amsterdam, the Netherlands. From the Netherlands, I and a couple others flew to New York, New York. I slept four and a half hours’ in a hotel. Then I flew alone Friday from New York to Las Vegas, Nevada. I returned to my home of junior high and high school in North Las Vegas. 

American Twilight Zone (March 2O2O)

My first few weeks in the States felt weird, not just because of reverse culture shock. Back in Mongolia, fellow Peace Corps Volunteers, particularly Health Volunteers, had followed American media and read that our presidential administration had been downplaying the COVID-19 pandemic. Problematically, too, when leaders acknowledged it, some labeled it the “China virus” and accused Asians of spreading it. These set the tone. 

When I arrived in New York, I felt perturbed by the lack of mask-wearing and physical distancing. The morning when I’d fly out, I felt annoyed when the worker who checked me into my flight joked that I might have the virus since I’d flown in from Mongolia. Mongolia had no COVID cases—and wouldn’t have its first community transmission till November 11, 2O2O. Friends, too, when I said that I’d come back, distrusted that I couldn’t have the virus. So, although Peace Corps peers and I had already been quarantining nearly a month and a half before returning to the States—and very much craved to reconnect with folks—we found ourselves again isolated. 

Then Vegas felt weird. Nevada had reported its first COVID case the day before I returned, yet Mongolia hadn’t any. Yet Mongolia had shut down, and Nevada hadn’t. Society moved as though little was happening. My brothers still had school and were gone most of most days. Dad worked weekdays out-of-town. Thus, while I lived again in the States, even inside my family’s home, I was the only one around. I felt lonelier than how’d I’d felt before leaving my life abroad. 

The Filipina family of my father’s fiancée was perhaps the most understanding of my circumstances. The oldest daughter was celebrating her birthday that first Sunday, March 8, since my return to the States. So, I got to join them in enjoying the occasion. As I’d come to learn, Mongolia and the Philippines had more cultural similarities than I’d expected. I’d also feel dismayed to learn that people weren’t treating the youngest daughter kindly in her food service role, for some customers believed that her being Asian meant that she had the Coronavirus. 

Resettling Into Lent (March 2O2O)

Most every morning, my first few days and weeks, tracks from Disney's “Frozen II” became my anthems. I’d seen the film that Friday, March 6, when I’d flown alone back to Vegas. I’d connected especially with “Show Yourself,” “Some Things Never Change” and “The Next Right Thing.” I started to learn the lyrics not only in English but also in Mandarin Chinese and Spanish. 

My local church was still open. Meanwhile, in Mongolia, our church had been closed for nearly months. So, I attended services daily. I overheard old parishioners wondering what all this pandemic talk was about. I visited Reconciliation and a Stations of the Cross service. I applied to sing in the choir with which my late mom sang. 

My second week in the States, church and schools closed. Meanwhile, Peace Corps announced its global evacuation. My peers and I weren’t to expect to return to Mongolia this summer and instead were to expect that fall would be the soonest. My youngest brother’s hs senior spring ended abruptly, so he stuck around at the house. Our oldest brother left to quarantine with his girlfriend and her sisters. 

I cleaned much in and around the house. My greatest achievement early in the pandemic was to lead a garage clean-up with all siblings when my sisters visited. The task enabled us to at last park a vehicle in it once more. My siblings and I donated, too, decades of belongings. 

Among the unearthing, I dove deep into family history. I wrote up my understanding of my father's and my late mother's ancestries, which were also mine. Months later, I'd join WikiTree, talk to distant relatives and migrate large swathes of history onto the platform. 

Easter in Action (April–May 2O2O)

Gloom seemed to enshroud the world by Easter. I saw from the telly the Vatican's Lenten services, witnessing Pope Francis’ words from his city to the world and for Holy Week. His Good Friday Way of the Cross felt especially moving, for prisoners had written beautiful reflections that made me realize how little of a prison our quarantine was. 

My younger sister in LA had also returned to visit Vegas. I resumed daily exercise routines, including trying to concurrently complete handheld video games and walk miles on the treadmill. This began my May push to make the most of my days back in America. I kicked up a daily Duolingo habit, rising through leagues, and talked regularly with Mongols during early mornings. Such helped my sanity, especially when state offices gave me a hard time trying to get the unemployment assistance to which lawmakers entitled evacuated Returned Peace Corps Volunteers.  

Around Memorial Day, an uncle and aunt visited from Kansas to celebrate my youngest brother’s high school graduation online. The relatives also took my siblings, a family friend and me on my first national parks trip in years. We saw Saguaro, Great Basin and Capitol Reef. During the trip I’d grown my Goodreads library and soon enough uncovered the Libby app. The journey led me too to begin a pensive look back on my life. 

Summer in Reno (June–July 2O2O)

Dad remarried on June 6, 2020. Shortly thereafter, I relocated to Reno to help Pa and Stepma (“Tita”) handle copious amounts of yard work. With more time to reflect, I took up the request of a homebound friend to pray rosaries daily over the phone with him. 

Another friend of mine was going through a dark patch too but had a love of films. So each morning I’d rise early to see one of his recommendations then discuss it while working the yard if I wasn’t praying a rosary. I fondly recall the conversations while trimming plants, as I wander the Reno backyard even now. 

Near the same time, the friend and another encouraged me to tell my stories. So I began to write a memoir, on which he’d give feedback. The other friend had me appear on his podcast. Both experiences made the summer feel very whole. In memory of my first summer in Mongolia 2OI9, I also wrote a more detailed series on those experiences. [Arrival (June 2OI9), Meeting Host Family (July 2OI9), Summer’s End (August 2OI9)]

I celebrated my 23rd birthday in Vegas with an overnight vigil, praying 23 rosaries alone and with Catholic friends from around the globe. I felt such joy to reconnect meaningfully with so many across languages and cultures. Languages became a growing theme for me. I’d also begun again playing Pokémon GO after having not played since 2OI6. 

That summer, I finished seeing “Star Wars: The Clone Wars” (Season 7) as well as relevant bits from “Star Wars: Rebels.” I kept up with the Japanese episodes of “Pokémon Journeys: The Series.” Those, I’ve watched with English subtitles to know what’s happening. I’d also begun to read chapters of the Bible daily, at that time checking in weekly with an ol' friend. I started with Acts then Proverbs, Ephesians then Psalms. Meanwhile came Hebrews and John. Then were Ruth and Matthew. Now I read 1 Kings and Mark. I’d grown to appreciate both the Hebrew and Christian Bibles with renewed interest. 

Autumn Languages (August–September 2O2O)

Much of that fall, I was back in Reno. Yet, my younger brother had also come to Reno for his undergraduate fall semester. The guest room where I’d stayed quickly became his room, which left me a tad displaced. Still, I stuck through. Mornings, I rose early to read through a Latin textbook before daily conversations with a close friend who’d majored in classics as an undergrad.

Meanwhile, I’d stepped up to arrange meetings with Congressional lawmakers on behalf of the National Peace Corps Association. I’d also taken on roles within my alma mater Honors College and within the Social Justice Task Force for the American Psychological Association’s Society for the Psychology of Religion and Spirituality. I kept people organized and took notes during meetings. Meanwhile, my siblings and I had been starting a scholarship foundation, so I’d taken point on negotiating a partnership with the Vegas-based Public Education Foundation. 

As a nice break, I joined friends I’d met in high school on their near-monthly trips to national and state parks. These sights included Lassen Volcanic, Burney Falls and Tahoe’s Emerald Bay. Realizing that I wouldn’t return to Mongolia that fall, I booked a Department of Motor Vehicles appointment to renew my learner’s permit—The earliest appointment would be in December. 

In entertainment news, I’d finished seeing “Queer Eye: We’re in Japan,” “Love on the Spectrum” and “Midnight Gospel.” I’d also started playing “Pokémon Masters EX” when I’d heard that it included characters from multiple generations. I enjoyed how the stories felt new yet nostalgic. 

National Park Winter (October, November, December 2O2O)

October was a great month for my spiritual life. I got to attend my youngest sister’s Confirmation. I enjoyed my first retreat in years. I also got to tape videos for my alma mater. 

Then I returned to Vegas some weeks to complete more yard work. I’d also relocated belongings in different rooms and was able to have my own bedroom back in Vegas. This gave me a decent space in which to work. From November, I’ve also been hosting weekly video calls to help Mongols from my community abroad continue to practice English. 

I’d also listened to Riordan audiobooks, “Blood of Olympus” and “Hidden Oracle,” and various authors’ financial literacy materials. By December, “Kafka on the Shore” was a real highlight. In Reno, I saw too “The Mandalorian” (Seasons 1–2), emphatically recommended by a friend with whom I’d hiked at Red Rock Canyon. My other friends and I reunited to try again at Crater Lake and succeeded. 

My siblings and I partnered with the Vegas-based Public Education Foundation to launch our family LinYL Foundation to honor our late mother with scholarships for students. Though my formal role’s within outreach, I’ve done a fair bit of organizational leadership given my undergrad experiences. I’ve also been helping another non-profit start-up. Through it, I’ve gotten to meet alumni of overseas programs. 

My family celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas in Vegas with our stepsisters. I’d also celebrated American Independence Day with them. Christmas felt peculiar, as I’d returned from Mongolia to Vegas the Christmas before, too! 

Then my national parks friends and I hit a new record, seeing Walnut Canyon, Petrified Forest, Meteor Crater, Sedona’s Devil’s Bridge and the Grand Canyon. Having successfully renewed my learner’s permit, I scheduled my driving test for the earliest date—February. I returned to Reno and at New Year’s reunited with friends for whom I’d participated in their wedding the year before. 

Road to Rejuvenation (January–February 2O2I)

Following the U.S. elections came the presidential inauguration. I felt more at peace with the state of the nation after that. Though U.S. politics have absorbed media significantly throughout the pandemic, I felt relieved by the calls for unity and returns to political normalcy from Inauguration Day. 

Meanwhile, I sought to kick off 2O2I strong, with renewed optimism and control. I practiced driving almost daily. I’d seen “Daredevil” (Season 3) too and progressed in the Blue Lions story of my younger sister’s “Fire Emblem: Three Houses” copy. At February’s start, after years of challenges, I secured my driver’s license. 

Mid-February, my national parks friends and I saw Utah’s Mighty Five. Our trip spanned Canyonlands, Arches, Capitol Reef (different section), Escalante, Bryce Canyon and Zion. I got to help drive at the end from Vegas to Reno, a major milestone. 

Thanks to Discord, I attended a virtual alumni reunion of my high school alma mater. I experienced our school's recreation in “Minecraft: Java Edition,” wandering into the classroom where I used to play “Minecraft” as a freshman. In “RuneScape,” after 12 years on-off, I’d achieved level 99 in all but the newest skill. I'd even gotten the characters I wanted in “Pokémon Masters EX” and nearly finished my Kanto Pokédex in “Pokémon GO.” (I've never before completed a Pokédex.) 

I finished February recording music for my undergrad parish’s online edition to our annual performance for “Living Stations of the Cross.” I got to lector at and attend a friend’s baptism. I’d also soaked up my youngest sister’s boyfriend’s Disney+ again and saw “WandaVision” entirely. Its takes on grief and joy astounded. 

Social Justice (March 2O2I)

These bring me to where and how I am today. I write from Reno, Nev., where snow had fallen and the weather grown warmer. Spring is here. 

The announcement of increasing vaccines gave me lots of hope. Since I've lost so many people this past year to COVID-19 and other conditions I'm grateful that we may near the end. An email from and a check-in call with Peace Corps confirmed that summer would be the soonest I’m going back abroad. Still, I’ve kept in touch with my people in Mongolia. 

My older brother and his girlfriend moved into the Vegas house, so I haven’t felt as obligated to be there. Thus, I’ve focused more time on the church in Reno. 

A great fount of a spiritual joy for me has been getting to help lector for my college parish’s weekly Proclamations of the Word. I received particular acclaim for my reading from 2 Chronicles, for Lent’s Fourth Sunday, which delighted me. At the time I’d been reading 1 Kings, so I’d enjoyed recognizing parallels. In some ways the exercises are like a miniature college course. Beyond regular Sundays and Holy Week, I’d also lectored for such feast days as St. Joseph’s Day (March 19) and the Annunciation (March 25). 

My siblings’ and my family foundation chose our first year of recipients. It’s been an exciting process, reading and witnessing our inspiring candidates. I hope that I'll get to meet these students someday, but ah, the pandemic. 

I’ve gotten back into “Frozen II,” thanks to its authentic behind-the-scenes docuseries. I've also passed the one-year anniversary of my first seeing the film. Each morning I’ve sought to see something on Disney's platform—real' nice. 

Our psychological division’s presidential task force for Social Justice released our statement about the Capitol riots, which received strong critics but stronger supporters. Then came the Atlanta situation. 

In my U.S. Week 5I (Feb. 19–25), during a walk past the nearby elementary school, I’d had an unpleasant personal experience that led me to feel very grateful when the #StopAsianHate campaign began. I’ll likely share more later, but today’s blog story is about done. 

Hope and Easter 2O2I (April 2O2I)

At the last Adoration activity before Easter, our parish offered Reconciliation, so I returned again. Absolution offers such sweet cleansing for my mind and soul. Now Holy Week begins. I'm still lectoring, too! 

This summer, I hope to write more on my memoir. I’m still revising my research. I'm set to finish all five tiers of Duolingo Latin tomorrow. Then I'll get back to my textbook. 

I still delight in chatting with ol’ friends. My national parks homies and I will hit Redwood next weekend. Then my parish has Spring Retreat. I look forward to getting vaccinated in coming months then hugging folks forevermore. 

You can read more from me here at DanielLang.me :)

[polandspringz]

POL pol pol polpolpol you should write... Everyone finding a way to hug Chase and them just having a huge cuddle pile and Chase being inexplicably happy

This took over a year to write. I hope you enjoy…

You’re All Flying High, But I’m Drowning Down Below

After four years of no sensations, you couldn’t really blameChase for forgetting to tell the team.

Although there had been instances when he had been removedfrom the tank to correct the placement of an IV or for cleaning, due to thepresence of the nanotech lying dormant in his body, those instances were alwaysvery brief and fleeting. To keep his body stable outside of the safecontainment of the tank while they worked for long periods of time, Dr. Wellerfrequently administered amnesia to Chase. In some ways, it was a welcomesensation. The numbing was a pathway to sleep he could no longer achieve on hisown but, that numbness always seemed to come too fast and too soon.

As the tank was drained of fluid and opened, sometimes, Chasefound himself wishing he could hold on for just a moment longer. But, hiseyelids always closed just as Dr. Weller and Caliban’s hands brushed past todisconnect his body from the supports, and he felt nothing.

Chase was certain he still could feel. He had lostthree of his limbs when his interceptor crashed and the wreckage tore throughhis flesh, giving the nanotech a clean entry to chew up his muscles and feastoff his nervous system, but he wasn’t paralyzed. He could still move his leftarm, and he knew that there was something that rushed past his skin whenhe raised it up to tap the glass. It was heavy at first, and it made hismovements slow as he swam through it, but other than that, there was nothingdistinct for him to connect a feeling to.

Along the way, he must have become numb to it.

The amniotic fluid that filled the tank, he could onlyvaguely remember the cold feeling of it the first time he woke up suspended init. Now, it had simply become mundane. His body treated the liquid pushing onall sides of him no different than how the rest of humanity regarded the milesof atmosphere that tried to crush them with pressure. Perhaps, he would havebecome truly comfortable living the rest of his life inside the tank, treatingit as natural as his life before it, had he not experienced the freedom hishologram and Holon gave him.

When he was still learning how to upload, and his Holon wasstill in early stages of design, his hologram was all he had to ground him withhis old self. He still wielded control over four limbs in his avatar, and as hetook a midnight stroll around the Experimental Science Unit’s headquarters twoweeks after being overwhelmed with information and choices, he foundhimself struggling to grapple with the reality that three of them were gone.

He had mixed into the main lab, facing his body in theprototype tank while everyone else slept. Weller had performed surgery for daysto save his life, and probably would have continued had his assistants notdemanded he take a break. They had cut off the infected limbs and sealed themup with metal plates to keep the nanotech that was in from spilling out.It wasn’t hard to look at the body that was floating in the tank. What was hardwas calling it his own. With his hologram’s face reflecting off the glass ofthe tank, his artificial image overlaying the new reality of himself, it washard to accept and believe that he was looking at himself, and not anunfinished clone of himself.

But, the Doc had said cloning was still far out of reach-even with regeneration being the solution to almost every war injury today- andneither were an option for Chase with that damn nanotech occupying more of hisbody than his own cells. Frustrated, he shut his eyes and banged his hologram’sfist against the tank, the pixels scrambling as they came in contact with ascreenless surface. A buzz went through Chase’s hand as the pixels rejected themotion. He froze.

He did it again. Another buzz. He reached forward and triedto push his entire arm through the tank to the other side into the fluid. Theprojection denied it, but Chase’s entire arm, his right arm, that should begone, was alight with that buzz.

He fell to his knees, both fists sliding down the front ofthe tank as he collapsed at the base. His artificial chest began to rapidlyrise and fall as his shoulders shook, and he clattered the tank with bothhands, forcing a rhythm of that buzzing sensation to build as he struggled tobreathe.

It was still there. He could still feel it. He couldstill feel.

At least in this form…

It’s not enough.

The lifeless, nanotech host with Chase’s face remained asmotionless as a corpse in the tank as bubbles rose to the surface. But, slowlythe displays on the monitors connected to the body began to flash and scream,and suddenly the room was dyed in red emergency lights instead of the calmingblue, but Chase couldn’t find it in himself to care. He kept slamming againstthe tank, frustratedly trying to make that buzzing sensation stronger andstronger.

He wanted to feel the soreness of his skin as his fistswelled with the repeated blows. He wanted to feel the sting rushing up hisarm, his right arm. He wanted to feel it frustrating his brain, angerand aggression as it demanded him to stop, but all he got was the faint buzzesas pixels moved aside and reformed the hands around the glass blocking theirway.

Footsteps pounded down the hall and there was a loud clangas the automatic doors were punched in and opened up- Caliban speeding up theemergency override by breaking them in as Weller jumped inside with two otherscientists hot on his heels.

“It’s his heart rate! The nanotech might have activatedagain and started-” Doc cut himself off as he saw the crumpled hologram on thefloor. His arm slowly fell, lowering out of where he was pointing for theassistants to go and instead, without glancing away from Chase, commanded, “Go.”

“Dr. Weller, but-” He raised his hand in a ‘stop’ motion,eyes still locked on Chase.

“It’s not the nanotech. I can handle it. Please, return toyour rooms,” he smiled before folding his arms behind his back and stridingtowards Chase, “Some of us should get sleep tonight. Tell the rest of theemergency team to rest too. False alarm.”

The two assistants stared at their boss for a moment beforethey shrugged and made their way back through the doorway and into theelevator. Dr. Weller stopped when he was standing right behind Chase, and spokesoftly.

“Caliban, please cancel the emergency alert and close thedoors, please.”

There was shifting as shuffling as the android moved aroundthe lab, the lights eventually fading back to the soft blue as he finishedsending off the cancelation. Then, he went to folding the doors back into theframe and realigning them on their automatic track. When the lab was quietagain, Chase finally spoke.

“Doc,” his hologram whispered with a broken voice, “I knowwhat you said earlier but… will I be… stuck in there forever?”

With his head bowed, Chase missed seeing Dr. Weller’s facecrumpling with guilt as he pulled his glasses off his face and pinched thebridge of his nose, shutting his sunken-in, shadowed eyes as he forced hisheadache to dull before slipping back on his spectacles and a reassuring smile.

“Oh, Julian,” he soothed, kneeling down behind the youngman, one hand settling down on the other’s shoulder, “I swear to you, I will doeverything I can to help you.”

Chase’s hologram shut his eyes. Inside the tank, somethingshiny materialized under Chase’s eye for just a second before it was swept upby the current and rose to the surface in a bubble, glittering like a pearl asit disappeared.

** 

It took many months for things to change.

But, like Doc had promised, they did.

It was still before the Anvil, before the rest of the worldknew about gen:LOCK’s existence, and it was just when he was beginning toregain the feeling of having a family. He thought he had lost itcompletely in the Battle of New York, but now it had been almost a year sinceChase had met Yasamin, and he felt like he had gained a sister again. She wasno Dri, but he didn’t mind.

If you asked him what got the ball rolling, Chase wouldpoint to the night that he and Doc stayed up late in an effort to comfort Yazafter her Holon had very nearly been swiped by the Union. It was supposed tohave been a small raid they were intercepting, but they had more resources thanthe Polity base that requested the help had anticipated. Chase was standingnext to her, and while the Doc was speaking to her calmly, hugging her tightand telling her that no one was going to take her away from them, shehad turned towards Chase and reached out to try and bring him into the embracetoo, but stopped when her hand cut straight through.

He chuckled and brushed it off, but Yaz seemed dissatisfied.That was what sparked the question:

“Would I be able to touch him if he was outside of the tank?”

Chase’s answer was, “Of course, I’m not a ghost, you know.”

To which Yaz punched through the hologram’s face, sendingChase’s pixels out of alignment as he fake-gasped as they reformed. Doc pulledher arm back and calmed her down, reassuring her that Chase was only trying tobe the funny guy because it’s a sensitive topic, I’m sure he would rather wenot discuss this now.

Chase didn’t see any reason to avoid it. Once he wasrealigned again, he just shrugged, “I don’t mind. We can talk about it.”

So they did. It was obvious that others’ could touch Chase’sbody outside of the tank, so long as the nanotech remained dormant andthey were assured of that. Although Caliban could handle making repairsto the tank alone, Weller insisted on doing it because he was stubborn andrefused to let Caliban bumble around while he shouted orders from behindprotective glass. Although, Chase had overheard many phone calls with theColonel that insisted he do otherwise. But, there was still no guarantee thatChase would feel anything from the experience.

Still, Yasamin confided in the two of them-

“I would like to touch him. At least once. To know that heis real.”

Doc smiled, “Then, you can assist me the next time we do acheck up. Perhaps we can run some tests while we are at it. See if he registersany feeling.”

“Sounds good to me,” Chase said.

But, when he got in his Holon one day after weeks of seeingthe Doc slave over mysterious upgrades, nothing prepared him for the experienceof feeling wind rushing over him. He could feel it pushing him back,buffeting underneath the armour of his helmet as if it had a real face and notmetal. He had almost short circuited, and Yasamin herself seemed surprised atthe new sensations, and was bombarding the Doctor with questions over theirchannel. She ran past Chase with a confused expression, but any snap abouttelling him to hurry up died as she felt the wind rush through the hangaragain.

“You can feel it?”

“Yes. Yes! It’s-”

“Cold, right?”

“Yes! This is California though, I thought it would bewarmer?”

“Go outside!” Yaz gestured and Chase ran ahead of her,skidding to a stop as he stopped on the concrete runway.

A beautiful cerulean horizon line stretched out before him,just beyond the gray of the ESU’s training grounds. The ocean was rough today,crashing hard against the side of the raised base, and Chase wanted to run atit, jump straight on in and plunge. He had been trapped in liquid every day,but this was different, this water he would feel, he would feel thechill of it, feel the rush of bubbles and air flying around him. He took a stepforward, but a hand caught a hold of him and he was jerked to a stop.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get your hopes up,” Yazwhispered, but Chase didn’t let it bother him. He was brought back to realitywhen he saw her armored robotic hand on his own manufactured arm. He smiled ather as they met each other’s gaze in the mindframe.

“Don’t worry about it, Yaz. My brain’s in here right now, soit wouldn’t be a good idea to fry everything if we don’t have a backup.Besides,” her body floated to stand beside him, “I can feel the seabreeze again. I forgot what that was like.”

“New York is by water too, is it not?” Her Holon let go ofhim and followed him to look into the distance.

“Yes, but I lived deeper into the city. You would only tastethe ocean air if you lived right next to it, but Mom always took me and Dri duringthe summer. One time, we even drove down to New Jersey for the beaches.Whenever we went over the bridges, Dri would stick her head out the windowbecause she didn’t want to wait to smell it.”

Yaz shifted, “Can you smell it?”

Chase tried, “Not yet. I’m assuming there is a lot more thathas to go into that, right, Doc?”

As if on cue, the Doctor’s hologram materialized a few waysin front of them, “Unfortunately for you Julian, yes. It may take a long time,but I am confident by the time we reach that point we will have come so farwith gen:LOCK and our research about nanotech that we will remove it from yourbody so we can regenerate you fully.”

The older man folded his arms behind his back and, turningto face both of his recruits, beamed at them with the sun shining on his face.Chase had to admit that, at the time, he did feel some fondness and gratitudetowards the man, who had become somewhat like a father to him with all of histime and dedication focused on helping him. Chase spread his arms out as thecurrent whipped up another cold wave of air, letting it buffet him, and hewished he had wings again so he could soar through the sky and push through theair, creating sensations all over him without having to wait for each rush ofwind.

“Chase,” Yasamin’s voice was quiet again, and she wasfidgeting, eyes cast downward even though they were the only two things in themindframe’s visuals, “Do you think that… since we can share our minds in here…If we sync up, you might be able to feel something too?”

Chase stiffened, but forced another white smile to adorn hisface, “You don’t have to force yourself Yaz, but thank you. I’m fine with justright now.”

“It wouldn’t be forcing me- I thought you would like a hugor-” but Chase was already floating away, his Holon started to move towards thetraining course.

“Don’t worry about it, Yaz. This is actually too much stimulationfor me right now. Having nerves again? I must be burning through my uptimealready! Let’s go.”

He heard Yasamin hesitate, but soon her Holon was clamberingafter him, heavy feet pounding upon the ground as they left Dr. Weller waitingby the dock. If he had anything to say about this, he kept his mouth shut.Chase was thankful for that.

**

“What do you mean he can’t feel anything?” Cammie gesturedtowards his tank even though his hologram was standing beside her, “How longhas he been like this?”

“About four years,” Dr. Weller said, spinning around in hischair.

“It’s fine, Cammie. I’ve gotten used to it by now.”

“He can feel things when he is inside his Holon. Ispecifically added that feature in to help him interact with the physicalworld. Unfortunately, that’s why the rest of you can feel pain when somethinghappens to your Holon body too.”

Doc’s voice dropped at that last sentence. Cammie’s mechhaving its head ripped off was still fairly recent, but whether the girlignored it or just didn’t pick up on the implication, she breezed right pastit.

“But it’s not the same right? Our Holons are too clunky toeven hug you! You mean your hologram doesn’t feel anything?”

Cammie’s expertly aimed poke missed as Chase teleported tothe other side of Yasamin, and the girl just doubled her efforts and chargedhim until Valentina caught her by the scruff of her collar.

“Nope. You’re all just registering as little buzzes to mybrain. But, it’s cool.” He tried to put on his most reassuring smile for theyoungest member. She seemed to buy it after a minute of scrutiny, and droppedthe conversation.

He should have put more effort into making Valentina andKazu believe it, but he didn’t think they really cared enough to do something.

Until training happened.

It was the same mix of group exercises- trying to get pastthe Vanguard, obstacle courses for Cammie to acclimate better to movement, andsparring- but everyone was acting out of sorts, at least to Chase it seemed.Yaz seemed to talk to him more during training, although normally she wassilent as she soloed her way, charging through the maze before stealing theflag. Her and Chase had been working together in the program for so long, theydidn’t need mindshare or communication to read each other’s movements, or asshe liked to put it-

“-to understand you’re going to do something stupid, eventhough it will probably work.”

Today though, Chase’s music stream was interrupted just ashe made a sick shot into the hoop after charging up the cliffside with thebasketball to avoid Kazu. Yasamin’s voice cut in through his feed, even as shewas in the middle of fighting Valentina in the ring.

“How are you feeling? You’re not doing those tricks just toburn through your uptime, right?”

The ball swished through the net and Chase lowered his armsdown as he skidded back down the rocks. The lenses of his Holon’s eyes meshedtogether as the lights dimmed as he sighed.

“You know we aren’t on a private network. Everyone can hearthis conversation, you really wanna talk about this right now?”

Kazu, who was bumbling after the runaway ball, stopped as hepicked it up, glancing over at Chase who was stopped at the base of the cliff.Valentina’s head looked up as Yasamin’s voice came over their channel, eventhough the yellow Holon continued an onslaught of strikes.

“Of course I know it’s not private. Everyone has beenlistening to your playlist for the past hour. Turn it down, please.”

“Fine, fine. But guys,” Chase said, “can you give us someprivacy?”

“Kind of hard to do when you’re all talking so loud!” Cammiecalled out from where she was on the grounds. Last Chase had seen, Miranda wasmaking her do more jumping exercises across the courtyard to get more used tosnapping from low to high in the Holon.

“Well, you heard ‘em, Yaz. Let’s save this conversation forlater. Kazu! Let’s go another round!”

Yaz sighed over the channel, “I was just checking to- Woah!”

Valentina’s right hand suddenly jutted out in a cross,Yasamin ducked out of the way in time and the fist soared cleanly past and overYasamin’s shoulder. Before she regained her bearings though, Valentina circledthe arm above Yaz’s head to hover above her other shoulder, gripping it tightlybefore their left hand came up and slammed her in the jaw, knocking her to theside like a ragdoll.

She slammed into the sides of the ring and instinctivelyclutched the jaw of the helmet as she glanced up at the purple Holon stalkingover to her.

“He told you to shut up, let’s leave them to their game.Besides, you need to keep your eyes on me.”

Yasamin pushed herself to her feet and lunged for Valentina’slegs with a shout, invigorated.

“So, kyoudai,” Kazu said as he spun the ball, “Wantto start playing fair?”

“Come on man,” Chase laughed, “You could’ve chased me upthere? Why not use some uptime to increase your speed?”

“Nah, I’m not meant for those crazy jumps and flips. Iprefer sticking close to the ground.”

Kazu punctuated his statement by jogging over to Chase, hisHolon’s heavy steps slamming into the dirt and kicking up dust as he boundedforward. He clasped one hand on Chase’s shoulder as he dropped the basketballinto the other’s palm.

“Now, let’s play something I’m good at, likebaseball.”

Chase’s brain stilled as he felt the weight of Kazu’s handagainst his shoulder. Kazu himself seemed startled when he felt Chase’sapprehension in the mindframe. To him though, his fingers just curled over theheavy armor, then pulled off suddenly when he felt the other stall. It wasn’tawkward, just surprising. Kazu’s hand floated above Chase’s shoulder, and thenhe narrowed his eyes, and slowly placed it back down.

Warm. The Holons were machines, and there was always thechance of overheating, but the heat from underneath the armor was different. Itwas present, radiating. Their armor sets were exactly the same, save for Chaseand Yaz’s having a few enhancements, and Kazu had dusted off his shoulders manytimes to clean off the dirt that piled up whenever Valentina used him as alaunchpad, but this felt different. Underneath his armor, it was just him, butunderneath this armor…

He patted Chase on the shoulder twice, before giving him astrong squeeze. The blocky fingers of the Holon skeleton were much larger thanhis own, and Chase’s mecha body was much, much different than his body insidethe tank. But, Kazu smiled.

So this is what Chase felt like.

“Come on, before the Colonel finds out.”

Chase breathed again as Kazu’s hand slipped away, and he letout a sigh he had been holding in before turning around to chase after theolder man.

“She’s gonna have Doc’s head if your swing breaks anotherstrider!”

**

A few days later, they all were lined up practicing theirshooting. Valentina slowly crept away from their spot, waltzing behind thegroup before their fingers trailed across Chase’s back. The armor dulled thesense, but Chase still flinched and missed the shot. Yaz fired her shot andglanced over at him, confused, but stopped when she saw Valentina creepingbehind him. She turned back to firing, but listened as Valentina’s voice cameover the channel.

“Would you perhaps be up for a spar?”

“You? Missing firing practice?” Chase quipped.

“I may like to slink off on my own, yes. However, having tostand around and shoot is no fun at all. Besides, the Vanguard wants me to workon my teamwork abilities, so why not?”

“Not really sure it counts as teamwork if you’re beating meinto the ground.”

“It will be a good chance to get to know each other. I feelas though we rarely have spoken outside of the team. Kazu is fun to play with,but I grow bored of his predictable movements.”

Kazu shot too high towards the sky, and the bullet clippedthe side of one of the building’s roofs, “Hey!”

“Ugh, just go, Chase,” Yaz said, exasperated, “If two keepon distracting everyone, nothing will get done.”

“Oh! Can we all come watch?” Cammie asked.

Chase looked towards one of the cameras, “Are we good totake a break, Doc?”

Inside the lab, Dr. Weller pulled away from a series ofblueprints he was writing on, to glance at the five Holons staring at him. Hewaved his hand dismissively even though they could not see him.

“Yes, yes! Go have fun. I trust the Vanguard to superviseif anyone tries to modulate their fear response again. Cammie.”

“Oh come off it, will ya? I haven’t done anything like thatsince!”

“You heard him,” Valentina said, and placed their hand backon Chase’s back just to trace it along the width of it before slipping awayagain, “Let’s go.”

The fight went as Chase expected. Sure, he had moreexperience than their new teammates, but Valentina was always an enigma. Eveninside a closed ring and with bodies so big, they found ways to hide, to sneakunderneath Chase, and stealthily land him in a chokehold before tossing him tothe ground. It was frustrating to be shown up in front of all his old friends,as even Migas had mixed into the courtyard with his hologram to watch thefight, but there was something more nerve wracking that kept stealing Chase’sattention.

Valentina was touching him.

A lot.

“Knock it off, would you?” He hissed as he dodged anotherswing from them. Valentina stepped back and tilted their head slightly. Hadthey been in their human body, Chase would have seen them raise an eyebrow.

“At what?”

“Touching me.”

“Hand-to-hand combat like this requires touch. I thought youwere aware of that?”

“Don’t mess with me like that. You know what you’re doing.”

Chase pointed a finger at them. The rest of the team sittingnearby looked at each other in confusion. Valentina stared at the accusatoryhand in front of them for a moment before they shrugged and yanked it towardsthem, tugging Chase forward so they could strike him in the middle of the backwith their elbow. Then, they were jumping up and over him, flipping in the areaas they moved behind him to deliver another strike.

Chase felt it again. Their hand dancing over his back as hefell forward. He whipped around, angrily.

“I told you to stop that!” He roared. Valentina stumbledbackwards as Chase suddenly rushed them. Valentina’s legs hit the barssurrounding the ring, and Leon prepared himself to order for Chase to be pulledfrom his Holon, but then Valentina shot their leg out and Chase tripped.Valentina stood up in time and pressed their hand squarely in the center of hischest, and pushed.

Chase fell in the center of his ring, and stared up at them.The harsh sunlight glinted behind Valentina’s head, which with his mechanicaleyes caused no pain, but Valentina’s figure became cloaked in shadows as theywere backlit. Chase could only watch their silhouette as they flexed theirfingers, staring down at their hand.

So this is what Kazu was referring to, Valentinathought. They glanced down at Chase, who somehow looked dumbstruck despite thelimited expressions of the mechanical face.

Valentina reached out a hand to him.

“I apologize for being so rough. Perhaps I did go a littletoo far.”

Chase stared at their hand.

“But, I did get to learn quite a bit about you. Let’s dothis again, sometime. Maybe then, you’ll beat me?”

It took him a moment, but Chase finally smiled at thethought of the challenge. Valentina saw his Holon’s eyes adjust for a moment,the blue light stuttering as if blinking before they glowed brighter once more.Chase reached up and clasped their hand tightly.

“Alright. I won’t go easy on you next time.”

Valentina felt the pulse in their grasp, and pulled him tohis feet.

**

There were more instances after that. Perhaps Chase was justhyperconscious of it, now that everyone seemed to be talking about it more, buthe had to wonder if the team was intentionally going out of their way to touchhis Holon whenever they were uploaded. The number of times he had been sluggedor wrapped in some sort of hug before being suplexed by Kazu suggestedotherwise. Valentina began making more offers to brawl, but they ended all oftheir fights with a handshake now instead of how they normally waltzed overtheir opponents and off the field, much to Yaz and Kazu’s continuedannoyance. Chase knew these little things had to be a result of theconversation they all had, but he decided to let it go. Nothing good came fromhim getting angry about something so small.

Besides, touch was… nice. Even with his hologram, he had noproblems trying to wrap his arm around Migas or even the Doc and Yaz. He couldn’tfeel it, but he knew that the gesture still meant something, and it wouldn’t bethe same with his gigantic robotic arms and their small forms. He couldtechnically touch Yaz with his Holon’s build but, each time he did that, shewould creep closer to him in the mindframe, and he would run away.

But, touch with the other Holons he could handle. Touch wasacceptable. Touch was good, even when Cammie ran up and tackled him as soon asshe got in her Holon as a good morning, afternoon, or evening as thanks forplaying with her in the Ether.

What wasn’t good was when Cammie asked him the sleepquestion.

She had been staying up late apprenticing under the Doc tolearn more about gen:LOCK. While Chase usually stayed in his tank at the end ofa long day, Cammie’s presence made him uneasy, so he let his hologram roamaround a bit more to observe her note-taking and tinkering. There seemed to beno harm to it, as she was mainly working with the armor and mechanical build ofthe mechs themselves, but one day while the Doc’s back was turned to his ownproject, Chase walked by and caught a glimpse of her display blown up with hispersonal data.

“Hey! What the hell is this?”

“Oh, Chase!” She hastily closed the screen, tucking it awayinto the toolbar on the holograph, but Chase reached over and pulled it backout, “I didn’t mean to, I was just-!”

Chase didn’t mind Yaz and Weller discussing his condition.He thought he was fine with the rest of the team knowing too. They were justfacts at this point.

Or so he had been telling himself. But seeing Cammie withall his files on screen made something in him panic.

“Doc, what’s this about?”

Dr. Weller merely turned around, blue eyes behind hisglasses calm and collected as always, only the slightest wrinkle suggestingannoyance, while the crow’s feet at the corners showed wisdom and understanding.He folded his hands in his lap, “Cammie is preparing for the day she needs totake over the program.”

“What do you mean?”

“The Doc isn’t going to live forever, y’know,” she scoffed, “It’simportant I know about each one of you now so I can help select future recruitsand keep you guys safe in the Holons.”

Chase saw his old Vanguard photo from four years ago blastedon the screen. Brown eyes and a normal face and hairline, uncorrupted by metalplates holding him together from all sides.

“Why does she need to see my information? Why isn’t shelooking at Yaz’s? Or Valentina’s?”

“Now, Chase, I understand the hostility, but-”

“I already looked at those,” Cammie folded her arms behindher back, “There isn’t much I need to know about everyone else. You however, inthe event we can’t regenerate you, there are many other things we have to takeinto consideration. If you’re still applicable for gen:LOCK, if you aged out,if you-”

“Alright, I get it,” Chase hissed with a little moremalice than necessary. He pressed a hand to the temple of his hologram. In hisreal body, he could sense a headache coming on. He still felt those.Somehow, “So, you’re just looking through our files. That’s all?”

“Well, I did have a few questions, but since you showed up-”

“Cammie,” Doc intervened, “I think it would be prudent tohave our discussion in the new year revolve around this.”

“I read that it has been difficult for us to decipher whichparts of you retain a sense of touch, but in the Holon, your senses return. Weknew that already. If you don’t have any sense of touch in your real body, Iwould say it’s related to your spinal cord damage and not damage to the brain,otherwise you wouldn’t be able to upload-”

“Cammie,” Doc warned, “Tread lightly.”

“I know. I know- But, spinal cord damage doesn’t make anysense. Yeah, you lost some of it, but only the parts for control of your lowerhalf, and pretty much any organs you lost. So, it doesn’t make sense for you tolose all sensations. So, that leaves us with your brain.”

She swiped and pulled up a spinning image of his brain.

“But! What I’m concerned about is the signs of damage andstress that are appearing on your brain data. If you’re gen:LOCK compatible,then you should be super neuroplastic, and recover from any sort of stressquickly. Heck, even though I’m still shaken up about my head being torn off, myscans don’t show as many signs of PTSD as you’d expect.”

Chase sighed and crossed his arms, “And? I’ve seen a hell ofa lot more combat and lived through a hell of a lot more than you. You think Iwouldn’t have some damage to my brain?”

“That’s the thing though,” She said, flipping through thescreens, her left hand pulling up an itemized list of medical recordsdocumented with dates that continued to scroll as she turned back to Chase andrested her arms on her lap, “All the dates from when these abnormalities andflare ups on your brain appeared are from a long time after the Battleof New York. At first I thought it might be an adjustment from uploading, butVal, Kazoo, and I aren’t showing any signs either. So, what’s the deal?”

Chase looked to Weller, giving the man permission to speak.With a sigh, Weller began.

“Cammie, if you must know, Chase has been suffering frominsomnia.”

“Insomnia? Why not just pump him with sleeping meds then?”

“It’s not that simple. I know you know, but your minds areincredibly important. Sleeping medication may be a temporary solution, but longterm use and overuse can have adverse effects on the mind.”

“Besides,” Chase mumbled, “We’ve tried that already.”

Cammie’s mouth formed into a small little ‘o’ before sheturned around to trace her hands over the screens. She easily found a date shehad skipped over, listing the medications that had been pumped into Chase earlyon in the gen:LOCK program, “Oops, sorry for missing that. But, is sleepdeprivation really causin’ all of this damage?”

“We’ve been… analyzing it for a while. It’s difficult todetermine with you five being our first test group, so we can’t rule outgen:LOCK as being a possible cause. Chase has been uploading for asignificant longer amount of time than the rest of you. However, we’vediscussed it before, and we both believe the issue is… much moreunderstandable.”

He extended a hand to Chase, giving him a chance to speak orback out. Chase let his arms drop to his sides and the tension left hishologram. Cammie was only trying to help, there was no reason for him to get sodefensive, but it was just… hard.

“It might be post-traumatic stress, but I feel thatit’s just from being in the tank so much. Sure, I can be out here and with y’alland I can go inside the Holons, but, at the end of the day, I have to go backin the tank. I may not be able to feel the walls around me, but… I know they’rethere. Sometimes, it takes me by surprise is all.”

“You’re claustrophobic? Hm, I didn’t think it would be thatplain.”

“Yes, well, unfortunately, Chase can’t leave the tank. It isvery difficult with the nanotech to contain what remains of him, and the fluidhe is in helps to prevent it from spreading, and keeps his body from gettinginfected in it’s weak state.”

“So, Cammie,” Chase said, “Why are you so focused on mysleep?”

“Oh, yeah! Well, I’m no doctor-”

“I am!” Weller chimed in.

“Yeah, yeah. But, I’m wondering if you being sleep deprivedis affecting your sense of touch.”

Chase looked at her incredulously, crossing his arms. Shethrew her hands in the air and groaned.

“I know it sounds dumb. I couldn’t find any research tosupport it, but I honestly was too set in the idea to have it proven wrong bysome overly long academic journal. But, the way your eyes work is affected bysleep, right? So when you’re all groggy, and you’re slower at picking up onthings going on around you, don’t you think that could also apply to how yourbrain receives signals from your hands to register if something is hot or cold?Your danger signals might just be operating slowly, and since you’ve been likethis for a while, if you just get a good night’s sleep, we might start seeingsome results.”

Weller hummed, “She does have a point. Besides the senses Iput into the Holons, your cyberbrains don’t require sleep, and you’re alreadyoperating faster than you are as humans, so your senses aren’t dulled butenhanced…”

Chase sighed and hung his head, “I mean, it’s a good ideaand all, but like you saw Cammie, I’ve been this way for a long time now. I’mnot sure what’s gonna help fix me at this stage.”

Chase missed the way Dr. Weller’s eyes darkened in thoughtwhen a call from Migas caught his attention.

“Woah, sorry guys. Migas wants to play a game of siege. Let’stalk later.”

He vanished in a flash of pixels, and Cammie watched as Dr.Weller stared through the space Chase’s hologram had been residing in,boring a hole into the wall of the lab.

“Cammie,” she flinched when he addressed her, “for Chase’sbenefit, let’s keep this discussion confidential, shall we?”

Dr. Weller raised a finger to his lips and smiled at her.She gave a nervous smile back and squeaked out, “Of course,” before swivellingaround in the chair to squint at the files again. Dr. Weller looked back towhere Chase had been, before he turned back to what he was working on too.

In the silence, Cammie tried not to scream as she stared downat Nugget in her lap, thinking about the text she had already sent to the teamwith all her findings.

She ran her hands along her face as she began to sweat. Shejust hoped no one would confront Chase on the issue before she could tell themthe whole story.

**

Perhaps he had been too generous to give Cammie the benefitof the doubt, Dr. Weller mused as he entered the lab one night to find the teamasleep on the floor in front of Chase’s tank.

It had been a rough day for all of them. There was no mission,but during training he could tell they all seemed distracted. Even the Vanguardseemed concerned by how they kept slipping up. Cammie’s performance had takenseveral steps backwards, and Valentina and Kazu seemed to be more isolated fromthe team than usual. Yasamin was back to being silent rather than talking, andChase left everyone in the dust as he charged through the mountain range, onlyto overclock and burn through his uptime before he could continue.

Dr. Weller had to endure an earful from the Colonel all dayabout how useless his recruits were becoming, but he knew the root of herincreased high-strung attitude was because of the appearance of that Unionmech. It was almost a month ago now, but for that reason, they had beendelaying sending the Holons out on any missions. They needed to be prepared forwhatever or whoever they may have to face when they got another look atit. (Or him…)

Dr. Weller walked closer to the tank. Caliban was goingabout his normal routine of programmed tasks, but steering clear of thesleeping team piled up at the base of the tank. Chase’s eyes were shut, andWeller didn’t need to look at the monitors to know Chase’s breathing was slowand relaxed.

Good. It had been a while since he had last witnessedthat.

Technically, it was incorrect of Chase to say that he couldn’tsleep or couldn’t dream anymore. The crash and the nanotech haddestroyed his body, yes. But, that didn’t stop his body or his brain fromrequiring rest and other human needs. The first few nights adjusting to thetank were hard, yes, but Chase did eventually learn to sleep. Dr. Wellerhad records of his REM sleep after the surgery, detecting several dreams evenif Chase himself didn’t remember them. While inside the tank, Chase was hookedup to several IVs that provided him with nutrition and removed any waste toprevent infections. He could still eat and drink, just not in the traditionalsense. The oxygen mask was there for a reason too, after all.

He was still a human. It was wrong of him to think ofhimself as anything less. But, Dr. Weller knew Chase was miserable inside ofthe tank, and he cursed himself everyday for not being able to find a fastersolution to free the boy.

Because, that’s all he was in the eyes of the man. A boy.

He still remembered the scared look that flashed acrossChase’s face when he first explained gen:LOCK to him. They had pulled him outof the wreckage, flew him all the way to the west coast and then laid him on atable only for Dr. Weller to stand over him and shout what was likely nothingmore than mad science nonsense in the startled mind of the twenty one year oldwho was still feeling pain as the nanotech invaded his body.

Chase took the deal, and the rest was history. It shouldhave been. But, the thing that kept Dr. Weller from sleeping at night was thememory of the look in Chase’s eyes when the deal was offered. It haunted him.The nervous glance to the side before speaking. Perhaps it was Weller’s faultfor explaining it so poorly, but for a moment, and probably still to this day,there was a part of Chase that believed that had he not agreed to the gen:LOCKprogram that day, he would have been left to die.

They were his kids now. He would never leave them, healways reasoned.

But had he not agreed, what would you have done? Youwould have no obligation, no connection to him. You made a boy surrender hisautonomy to become your scientific toy. Now you’re doing the same with Yasamin,Kazu, Valentina, and Cammie. You continue to search for more recruits, morechildren to steal. How do you-

Dr. Weller took a deep breath and pulled off his glasses andwiped his eyes. When he was done, he slipped them back on and stared up at thetank. Kazu was asleep on Valentina’s shoulder, both of their legs stretched outas they leaned against the left side of the tank. Yasamin was against the rightside, turned away from the group. Her head rested against the fogged up glass,just below where Chase’s arm was. Cammie was sprawled out across the three ofthem, her head slinking down Yasamin’s back, her legs and feet across Valentinaand Kazu’s lap as Nugget slept on her chest. Dr. Weller smiled down at them.

He had told Cammie they couldn’t be sure but…

Some days Dr. Weller believed it had been his technologythat did more damage to Chase than the nanotech. After all, Chase had foundsleep easier, even with the nanotech inside. It was right after his secondbirthday that things went to hell.

Well, everything went to hell, Weller thoughtas he stepped over Valentina and Kazu’s legs, making his way to the monitornext to the tank. He really should send them back to their dorm so they couldproperly rest up, but-

He tabbed open the page displaying Chase’s brain waves, andtried not to gasp.

He looked over into the tank. He looked back at Chase’sbreathing.

Dr. Weller quickly and quietly rushed through shutting offany unnecessary noise and lights in the lab. He pushed Caliban over to hischarging pad and continued to dim the place until only Chase’s bedtime mixcould be heard drifting over the speakers, and the blue light from the tankilluminated the room. Then, he collected the things he needed and left the labas swiftly as he could.

He boarded the elevator, and clutching the blueprints in hisarms, he tried not to sniffle fearful that any noise would wake Chase from hisslumber, and his first, real dream in four years.

Good things had come since expanding the gen:LOCK program.He silently wished they would continue for his kids for a long while.

**

Then, the Anvil was attacked by the Union.

The battle was an ugly, chaotic, panicked mess. Chase hadstormed out of the eastern observation deck and immediately uploaded, takinghis anger out on Nemesis as soon as he collided with the other mech’s neck. Heknew if he didn’t stop him, everyone would die. The team, Migas, Miranda, Weller.But he wanted nothing more than to go up to Dr. Weller in his Holon andstrangle more answers out of him, to make him understand the gravity of what hehad done to Chase by not telling him he was just a copy.

If he could taste, he was certain he would taste bilewhenever he said the word. As he swung at Nemesis, he had to wonder if what theother him was saying was true or not. Did he even deserve to exist in his body,their body, if he wasn’t the original? Were either of them even theoriginal, or perhaps he had died four years ago in the Battle of New York andthe Doc had just copied his consciousness then. He had lied to him already,about the network going offline, about the mission being scraped, and he hadbelieved him. Could he fabricate memories too? He had heard from Cammie aboutthem being able to delete them, did the Doc go inside his mind and alter him tobe the perfect, obedient soldier so he would agree to the program?

He had always thought since he first saw himself in the tankthat something was wrong. But then Dr. Weller came in and comforted him. Maybehe had been right all along. The body didn’t belong to either of them. Itbelonged to the Chase who was dead.

In the background of the fight, him and Nemesis heard therest of the team clicking onto the network, and soon they were flying pastChase as they fought off the spider tanks and other Union soldiers storming thegrounds. Kazu and Valentina synced up, and suddenly their minds went silentacross the network as they became one. Yasamin crashed down next to Chase as hewrestled with Nemesis, and she reached out to him.

“Chase, we should try and fight him together!”

Chase continued to fire his gun at Nemesis as he struggledto free his leg from the mech’s claws. He couldn’t deal with distractions rightnow.

“What’s stopping you?”

“No, I mean really together!” Yasamin shouted as shemoved closer to him in the mindscape.

Her hand was so close to him, and Chase’s rage boiled as hethought about her touching him, getting inside his head. Nemesis yanked himcloser, nearly disarming his gun and pinning him down. Chase sliced his armacross the space between Yaz and him, shoving her away and he shouted at her.

“Let’s not do this now!”

She recoiled and floated away, going silent in the channel. Finally.Chase only had a few moments to savor the peace and quiet before Dr. Weller wasyelling at them to retreat. He punched Nemesis harder when he heard Doc’sfrantic speaking. Then, Yasamin was back in his ear calling out to him.

“Chase, fall back!”

“He doesn’t mean me, Yaz!”

“Chase!” She pleaded. And Chase grit his teeth as heprepared to jump Nemesis, hissing at the woman a reminder-

“My body can’t run, Yaz!”

His body slammed into Nemesis, and then the gen:LOCK channelwent silent for good.

**

When they first landed and hid behind one of the mountainranges, Yasamin immediately took control and began delegating tasks toeveryone. She spared no moment to make sure they were aware of their rationsand fuel, planning possible routes and trying to see if it was feasible to makeit back to the ESU’s headquarters on the west coast. The entire day, she wasnonstop in storming around the ship as she investigated every possible usefultool.

At nightfall though, things changed.

Kazu, Valentina, and Cammie had gone to bed. Chase was outin his Holon, patrolling the area to make sure no one was following them, andto clear his head by getting through his racing thoughts faster with theincreased speed and clarity of his cyberbrain. Yasamin was still in thecockpit, ready to open the ship’s doors if they needed to hide the Holon fromany sudden threat. She had gone quiet for the past hour, and Chase was going incircles as the rain pelted down on his armor.

He was somewhat thankful that the rain was slipping down inbetween the spaces of his armor. When the droplets touched the metal skeleton,he could feel the cold rush of it, like slime dripping down over his mechanicaljoints.

Doc had really improved the sensory features of theHolons. It was practically like having real skin.

He just started to lift his hands to the sky when he heardit.

“Chase…”

Yasamin’s voice crackled over the mic of the airship. Heturned around. He could barely see her sitting in the pilot’s chair, and so hewalked back and crouched down so he was eye level with the windshield.

She was curled up in the chair, a blanket around hershoulders as she pressed the mic button with one hand.

“Yo, what’s up?” He asked, the blue lights of his eyesflashing as he zoomed in to see her better. Her finger traced down underneathand around the control panel of the dashboard, her arm limp and her eyes low.Then, when she nearly let her arm drop, she puppeteered it back to the button,pressing down once as she whispered.

“Can you come back inside? I want to speak to you.”

Chase blinked at her for a moment, but then knelt downproperly, letting his Holon rest as he mixed into his hologram. Within a fewseconds, Yasamin heard the electronic noise as pixels materialized by the doorsbehind her, but did not turn around. Chase strided forward with easy, steadysteps, stopping behind Yaz with both palms up and his arms open.

“What’s the matter?”

She was silent, but Chase was patient. He watched as sheslowly lowered her hand again, folding them both into her lap as she pulled upher knees and leaned back in the chair. She stared out at the rain pouring downfrom the sky and hitting the windshield. A ring appeared around Chase’s restingHolon as water bounced off it and back down again. If there had been any lightleft behind the gray, murky clouds, perhaps the water would have glowed.

“The Doctor…”

He heard Yasamin’s breath hitch.

“He sacrificed himself for us to escape.”

Chase felt his heart stop in his real body inside the tank.

“Are you serious?”

Yasamin ran her hands up and down the fabric of the suitstretched over her thighs, “He helped us escape. We were getting into theelevator when Union soldiers appeared. When the doors closed, there was anexplosion.”

Chase cursed, “That’s just like him.”

He pressed a hand to his head and closed his eyes. All day,the others had been silent about what had happened and why they had fled. Hehad assumed it was everyone in shock over the sight of the nanotech drowningthe Anvil, but now he understood.

“Well,” he ran the hand down his face to his mouth, pressingit against his lips hard as he struggled to bite back more curses, “At least itwasn’t the nanotech. I lived through that hell, if it was an explosion, atleast it was mostly instantaneous and painless-”

“That’s not the point!”

Yasamin stood up from the chair and turned around to faceChase, an enraged scowl marring her face as she seethed.

“He sacrificed himself for us, Chase! Doesn’t that meananything to you?”

Chase stepped back, confused, “It does! Why do you think itdoesn’t?”

“Because you’re not upset! You’re just standing here makingsnide comments and-”

“I’m not making snide comments. I’m in shock, Yaz. I’vegone the whole day thinking, yes, all of my friends and family in the militarywere just eaten alive by the thing that nearly killed me four years ago. But, Ithought somehow the Doctor escaped on another ship.”

“Where would he go without our protection? We have Caliban,you know he would get captured right away without someone to guard him-”

“I was trying to be optimistic!” Chase shouted back, “Whyare you fighting with me? What do you gain by yelling at me?”

“I don’t know but the fact that you were so caught up inyour fight with the Union’s you that you let him-”

Chase snapped, “I didn’t kill him, Yaz! You can’t force theblame of his death onto me like this!”

Silence rang out in the cockpit after that, and Chase wassure that they had woken up the rest of the ship with that. The rational partof his mind prayed that they would take the hint and not try and intervene. Hecaught his breath after a moment, and just stared at Yasamin. Her head wasbowed so he could only see her brow etched into a scowl, her eyes scanning thefloor as his words continued to process in her head. After a few minutes, whenshe didn’t respond, he turned to go mix back into his Holon.

“I understand you’re tired,” he said, looking over his shoulderat her, “You should get some sleep. It will help clear your mind. I’m sureeveryone else is just as shaken up. They’ll need both of us to be level headedtomorrow.”

“Chase…”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, letting his mindseep back into his Holon outside.

Yasamin reached out and her hand phased through Chase. Hiseyes snapped open and he turned around. She fell through him to the other side.

Chase stared down at his chest, where her hand had justforced its way through.

“Yaz, you of all people should know that I can’t-”

She whipped around, and her face crumpling with angry tears,she threw herself at him again.

This time, she stopped herself so she was hovering over his hologram, thepixels continuously vibrating at every point of contact as she wrapped her armsaround him, and tucked her head against his hollow chest.

Chase’s arms hovered by his sides, unsure of where to rest.

Then, he felt the gentle shake of her as she began to cry.

He relaxed easily, and put his arms around her.

He wished he could say he felt something during theexchange, some sorrow or grief or comfort in sharing this moment with the womanwho had become like his sister, but, the thought of her being familybrought up memories of the Doctor, and Chase’s mixed up thoughts scrambled evenmore inside, and so-

He awkwardly glanced out the window as she shuddered close,and Chase was thankful for the fact that he couldn’t feel.

**

After being interrupted three times during the night byUnion drones dropping Nemesis on them, Chase had downloaded after therealization Nemesis’s connection on the network. An argument about what to dowith the technology erupted, and although Chase was still angry at Dr. Weller,now that he had been given more time to think, and process what had happened,he still felt it would be a disservice to what the man had done to him to justshut down the program.

Especially since it was what gave Chase the littlefreedom he still had left. If Valentina, Kazu, Cammie, and Yaz just left, wouldhe just be left behind in the middle of nowhere, with only his body in a tankfor Nemesis to come and collect alongside him?

And so, he spoke the words, and unwittingly unlocked thefinal message from the Doctor.

He felt Yasamin’s hand slide through his pixels when Dr.Weller’s hologram disappeared. She awkwardly retreated when she remembered.Chase’s fingers twitched as the buzz went through them. He looked down at Yaz’sface, who was still staring where her father had vanished.

No. Their father.

He wasn’t just a scientific tool to the man. He had donenothing but care for him tirelessly. Chase was just too blind with rage to seeit.

Then, later, once the team had tried going to bed again,this time with more security in their minds about not being found, Yasaminapproached him again. She leaned on his tank and spoke to him quietly, but thecloseness frightened him and so he switched to his hologram again. Now with hisfeelings about Dr. Weller cleared up, his heart was only left to focus on thelarger knot tangled inside of it.

Nemesis.

He had come to accept that the Doc only lied to him aboutthe mission, and that he was being paranoid with thoughts of him ever doinganything malicious like fabricating memories of the past. He was obviously onlytrying to protect Chase from falling into despair and terror. But, that leftChase alone with the realization that while he had remained unchanging duringthe years, something devastating had to have happened to change the other himinto that.

Was it maliciousness at being left unsaved? Was it slowlybreaking trust in the Doctor and Polity that never came to his aid afterdisappearing? Did the original know he had been replaced, been copied? Did hissense of self warp into thinking he was so valuable, so important, that theywould fight a war to rescue him, only to discover they never even needed him inthe first place, just a copy of his mind?

But then Yaz reached out and touched him again, and Chase’sheart panged.

It wasn’t fair to her, to the rest of the team, to closehimself off like this. He had regarded her as if she was an idiot for the pastfew hours for trying to get close to him, for thinking that he was real. Thereal him was inside the tank, everyone knew that, but that didn’t change theway Cammie tried to always poke him, the way Kazu had patted his back andcalled him his brother, the way Valentina would help him up after they kickedhis ass.

Yaz was right, he was real to all of them. He just needed tostart thinking the same about himself.

But, the mess of knots in his chest wouldn’t subside, andso, he pulled away again.

He receded back into the tank, the buzzing of Yaz’s touchfading away as he hid behind glass, where no one could touch him, ever.

**

At RTASA, things were different. They felt like they allwere playing a game of catch-up as they explained things to Dr. Jha and then toHolcroft, being given amnesty despite being an ever present threat to endangerthe facility and also Holcroft giving them the timer to defeat Nemesis beforethey went forward with the future of gen:LOCK.

Their Holons needed repairs, so Cammie sought out gettingfinancial backing with Jha from Holcroft so they could print the new armor. Shehad been running around for days, between helping direct where to place them onthe Holon to modeling new skeletal designs on the CAD files.

A few days before the armor upgrades were to be finished,she sat down in private and went about dissecting whatever the Doc had leftbehind inside of Caliban’s mind. She had already been given files on monitoringChase’s condition, and most of the things he had locked away was all theresearch on the early stages of gen:LOCK with Chase, the incident thatled to the end of copying- Cammie shuddered when she finished reading, andlocked that file back away where she found it- and the goals for theprogram had it not been militarized.

There was a set of files that were fairly recent though. TheDoc appeared to have uploaded them only a few days before the Battle of the Anvil.Cammie nervously opened it, afraid it might be another confession like therecording of his final message or the copying.

A blueprint appeared on screen. Another CAD file? Shesquinted as she looked over it better.

She sat up when she read the title.

Oh.

There was another set of things modelled in the folder. Shepulled up that file too.

Oh! Her eyes widened, and she excitedly began to readover and rotate the designs inside the file.

She had felt a bit disheartened when she realized how far backthe prerecorded message was. Although she knew all the words the Doc had saiddid apply to how he truly thought of them, it made her wish he had the time togive them a more individual goodbye. Something more genuine than just a willand the end note of “Be well.”

They had been wrong. That wasn’t the Doc’s final message atall.

This was, however.

Cammie copied the files into her own folder and then mutedCaliban again, dashing out of the room as she sought out Dr. Jha.

**

Chase wondered if he had been forgotten about. Over the pastfew days, everyone seemed to have made themselves scarce. He didn’t mind beingleft alone in his tank, usually, but he had grown accustomed to openinghis eyes in their new dorm to seeing the rest of the group doing something. WhetherKazu playing the guitar, Valentina laying down as they logged into the Ether,or Yasamin reading, it had become a small comfort to him to know they werestill together, even though so much had changed.

But one morning, he opened his eyes and everyone was gone.

At first, it was no issue. He could navigate in his hologramaround RTASA as much as he did at the Anvil or the ESU. There were stillscientists working around the clock, and soon enough, he found his team huddledin some corner of the base, talking amongst themselves.

“Hey guys! Why did you tell me we were having a meeting?”

He was met cordially, but they all seemed a bit too quiet.They wouldn’t give him answers about what they were discussing, and they alldispersed quickly after his arrival. He was left confused, and ultimately hedecided to mix back into his tank.

A few days later, he was walking around again and spottedCammie and Dr. Jha outside a conference room.

“Oh, nothing! I just have to talk to Holcroft again!” She saidwhen he asked what was going on.

“Again? Is he pulling out of our deal?”

“It’s nothing like that, Chase,” Dr. Jha reassured him,significantly calmer than Cammie was, “There is another thing we have decidedto build for the benefit of your team, but we require more financial backingbefore we go ahead with the project. We also must decide how soon we canconstruct it.”

“Oh? What is it? Did you find something cool in Doc’s filesagain?” Chase looked to Cammie, who smiled nervously.

“Uh, yeah! Super cool, but like everything else withthe upgrades, it’s a surprise! So you better stay out of the hangar until they’redone, or else I’ll block your hologram from entering without my permission!”

Chase laughed, “I promise, I promise.”

“Cammie, we should get going. Holcroft is waiting,” Dr. Jhaushered her inside. Although she cast a smile back at him as she closed thedoor, Chase stiffened. He caught the faintest glimpse of Yasamin in the back ofthe conference room before the door closed shut, and Chase had to wonder if thewhole team was in there.

What were they talking about without him?

**

That night, Dr. Jha found Chase. She entered the dorm roomand stood patiently in front of his tank, waiting for him to notice her. He wasmixed into one of the observation decks, watching the sunset alone when heheard rustling coming from the dorm. Excitedly, he warped back into his tank,but his expression dropped when he saw Dr. Jha. 

“Chase, wonderful, I have something I need to speak with youabout.”

“Is this regarding what you all were discussing withHolcroft earlier?”

Her expression fell for just a second, but she quicklyregained her smile and folded her hands behind her back.

“So you did see the rest of your friends in the room. I’msorry we excluded you. Holcroft wanted to speak to them too.”

Chase felt nervous. Dr. Jha seemed honest, but he didn’tlike the secrets that were floating around.

“Why not me?”

“Chase,” she cleared her throat, “Cammie had stumbled acrossRufus’ instructions on how to care for you. As the sole investor in gen:LOCK,Holcroft has also been providing funding for keeping you alive.”

Oh.

“So why wasn’t I in the room? You guys aren’t cutting meoff, right?” Chase joked, but Dr. Jha seemed startled by that remark. A brief panickedthought went through Chase’s mind, and he couldn’t help but cut out hislaughter, “You’re not, right?”

“Of course not, Chase. You are a highly valuable member ofgen:LOCK. It would be irresponsible for Holcroft to pull out of providing supportfor you when you are the most experienced.”

Sensing his apprehension, she continued.

“I assure you though, Holcroft would never be allowed tosimply cut you off like that. Not that I, or any of your teammates would allowthat. I assure you, we were not discussing anything of the sort. We thought itwould be uncomfortable for you to speak with Holcroft about such a topicthough, since he can be brash and might have misled you.”

Chase chose to believe her and move past it, “So, why haveyou come to talk with me?”

“Although you and I have not known each other for very long,Rufus did keep me updated on your condition, and we here at RTASA are equippedto support you.”

“So, where is this all going?”

“Cammie noticed that in Rufus’ logs of you, you were longoverdue for a check up. If you would allow it, we would like to remove you fromthe tank tonight temporarily. My medical team and I will oversee that you aresafe and unharmed during the procedure. Do you agree to allow us to do this?”

Chase still felt that something was off, “Are you going tohave to put me under to do it like the Doc used to?”

She nodded, “In Rufus’ instructions, he believes it to bethe least shocking way to help your body adjust to the lack of fluidsurrounding it. If you would like us to-”

“No,” Chase shook his head and sighed, “Let’s follow the Doc’sinstructions. He kept me alive this long, I trust his judgement.”

Dr. Jha smiled, “Excellent. Then, in about four hours, wewill begin. We will transport your tank to our medical wing right before then.”

She bid him goodbye and left the dorm with a wave. He wasalone again. An hour before the start time, the rest of the team came in andhelped Caliban walk him down. They all spoke happily and assured him everythingwould be fine, and Cammie told them all that she was almost done withthe upgrades and they would see them soon. Although Chase laughed alongsidethem and pressed his hand against the tank as they all patted the glass, as hewas pushed through the doors, he couldn’t shake the fear in the back of hismind that this was the last time he would see them again.

Cammie and Caliban stayed in the room as they set up Chasefor removal. They administered the anesthesia through the IV that hooked to thetop of the tank, and then, slowly began to drain the tank.

The last thing Chase saw was Caliban reaching out to catchhim, but everything went dark and then he was gone.

**

Chase opened his eyes to water.

He had grown accustomed to first seeing the fluid that was aglowwith the blueish light from the heaters of the tank. His eyes always took amoment to adjust to being hit with the harmless, but unnatural, liquid thatcovered his senses. He had learned to see through the fluid clouding hisvision, to move his arm through the heavy gel to gesture what little he couldto those who approached his tank.

This time, when he opened his eyes, however…

The liquid felt different.

It was lighter. Although he had grown used to thefluid to the point the weight did not bother him at all, the speed at which hefelt his hand jerk awake and cut through the liquid felt too smooth. Itwas too fast, like if someone had submerged his Holon self inside of it.

He had to wonder if that was true for a moment whenhe realized he could feel the individual bubbles in the liquid pebbling aroundthe skin of his face, the oxygen mask keeping them from touching his lips, butthey gathered around it all the same.

His eyes shot open as the sensations overtook him, andsuddenly his arm was swinging out- and there was no wall there to catch it.

Had he fallen into the ocean? Had RTASA sunk into the sea atlast? Why was he drowning?

Did they throw him into the ocean after thinking he wasdead?

And why was it so bright?

“Chase!” He heard Cammie’s scottish yip fizz over thechannel that hooked him to gen:LOCK, the ether, and his hologram. This timethough, it sounded more muffled. Not in a quiet way, but as if Cammie’s voicewas echoing inside a helmet or a mask before it was being picked up by the microphone.

He glanced around to try and see where her voice was comingfrom. It was strange, it was like her voice was buzzing not only over thesignal, but through the liquid too. As he tried to look around, he was stunnedfor a moment by the realization that he could turn his head. He couldalways move it somewhat, but for the first time in years he was able totouch his chin to each shoulder, and then he realized he was swimming.

There were still tubes connecting him and supporting him up,but as he moved his arm about, he realized he was drifting. Through the blue,oceanic like liquid, he swam, slowly coming to realize the more he thought aboutwhere he wanted to go, the more the machine supporting his torso helped himglide that direction. He smiled behind the mask and glanced where he thoughtwas up as he heard the rest of his team’s voices filter through thespeaker.

“It appears he is happy with the new arrangement,” Valentina’svoice wasn’t muffled like Cammie’s was. It sounded far away though.

“You can see him through there? It’s too foggy for me,” Kazusaid.

“I’m going in. Cammie! Are you ready down there?” Yaz calledout, to which Cammie responded cheerfully.

“Yup! It’ll take a moment to swim down, but I promise you it’llbe worth it!”

Swim down?

Chase turned around.

Cammie was there. Inside the water. She was floatinga few feet away behind Chase, a clear, helmet encircling her head and coveredin the same hexagonal patterns as their holograms loading in were. She wasn’twearing her gen:LOCK suit, but instead a suit he had never seen before. Itcertainly wasn’t Doc’s design, but he could see the influences were there. Itwas a green diving suit that covered her hands and feet completely. Althoughshe appeared to be free floating, Chase could see a harness of some alloy thatreached all the way up to wherever the surface was. She was typing into ascreen that was illuminating from her wrist. When Chase met her eyes, shegrinned, and waved.

“Cammie!” Chase cried out, and swam towards her.

“It’s me! In the flesh! Well, in the suit, I guess. Youlike?”

“So this is what you guys were up to?,” he laughed, “You putme in some sort of aquarium.”

“Of course not, you dummy. But, I suppose it is like a bigfish tank. We built it all in one night. It was still hard to keep it a secretfrom you though.”

“Well, you did a good job. This is amazing.”

“You’re not claustrophobic?”

“Not at all!” Chase swam in a circle, his arm freely glidingthrough the water. He faced her again and watched as her green eyes piercedthrough the helmet, practically matching the hue of the glowing water. Thebubbles crawling to the surface pearled around the screen of the helmet andsurrounded her face as she smiled at him. There were faint distortions on themask like when the holograms bumped into something. She swiped the screen onher wrist back into her watch.

“Try doing a flip!”

“I can do that?”

“Hell yeah you can! We rearranged all the tubes and wireskeeping you alive, and outfitted you with a harness that spins. Look, mine doesthe same!”

Cammie arched back and flipped backwards like a mermaid, thealloy attached to her harness rotating to the side as she curled over and backunder it again. When she was swimming down, he could see how the metal bar connectedto a protruding disk shape on her back and that was what spun and bent themetal into different angles.

“You try!” She said, and Chase took a moment to try ithimself. It was a little different than when he used to do flips at the poolwhen he was a kid, because back then he had legs that would push off and kickand bring him around in the circle, but he didn’t need them now. When hecompleted the trick, he moved towards Cammie, excited.

“You gotta tell me how this all works. This is amazing!”

“I know, right?”

“How am I swimming?”

“We took the signals that read your nerves signals tocontrol your hologram away from your body and hooked them up to this machine.Now, instead of it reading it and transferring it to an avatar like in VR, itjust moves in accordance to how you want to move. Quite simple to programactually, since we already have so much tech that reads brainwaves, it waspractically a step backwards for gen:LOCK, but building all this was whatdelayed it.”

“Delayed it? But you built it so fast?”

“It was actually the Doc who designed it.”

Chase stopped swimming.

“He came up with the blueprints, at the very least. I foundthem in the files saved in Caliban. He had been thinking about it for years, Ithink, but Holcroft wouldn’t give him the funding. He wanted Doc to put all hisfocus into gen:LOCK first, but Doc never stopped thinking about it. This washis final design. He uploaded it only hours before-”

“Cammie, you don’t need to explain. It’s wonderful. I’mthankful. So, that’s what you were actually talking to Holcroft about. Ithought you were discussing killing me!”

Cammie gasped, “Killing you? Are you crazy? Of course not!Why would we ever-”

There was a rippling through the water and Chase feltsomething vibrating behind him. He spun around slowly, watching as Yasamindescended gracefully down to their level. Chase had to wonder how big the tankwas, for he could not see the surface nor the sides of it. There was just anendless ocean everywhere.

“Yaz!” Chase shouted out, “Did you know about Doc’s plansbefore- Oof!”

Yaz flew towards him, unbound by the weight of the liquidshe soared forward and wrapped her arms around him. The screen of her helmetbuzzed like the pixels of a hologram against the side of his face as she tuckedher head into his shoulder, and he gently rested his arm on her back as theyheld each other.

Wait a minute.

Chase’s fingers ran along the fabric of Yaz’s suit, tracingthe fabric lightly until he began to shake. It was soft beneath hishand, not soft like a pillow or a feather, but the liquid against it made thematerial pliable and a bit silky. It was almost like… skin? He couldfeel warmth exuding from underneath his hand, despite the cooler temperature ofthe water, and then Yaz shifted her head and the helmet bumped against his faceagain and he felt the same warm sensation fluttering through the buzzinghexagons and fading into his skin.

“Chase? Are you okay?” Yaz started to pull back when shefelt the tremors going through him, “Cammie, is it a bad reaction to the newfluid?”

“No, it’s-”

“It’s just… I thought she was a hologram,” Chase said,glancing at Cammie before he turned back to Yaz and tightened his fist in theback of her suit, “I thought you were all just projecting yourself in here. Ithought-”

“No, no, Chase, we’re real. We’re here,” Yaz’s hands reachedup to cup his face, her thumbs careful of the oxygen mask as she caressed himand touched her forehead to his, “Dr. Weller wanted to be the one to show youthis, but… He didn’t have time. I was so worried it would never happen, butCammie made it possible.”

“I can feel you. How can I feel you?”

“Like how our gen:LOCK suits enhance our abilities bysharpening the speed at which our neurons transmit information and commands, Docwas looking into finding ways to share that information, beyond justmind sharing when uploaded. Her suit is sending information out to you, andsending that information to the nerves in your hand and skin,” she explained,swimming a bit closer, “It’s still in a very early stage though. When wetransferred you out of the tank, we had to run a series of tests while you wereunconscious to see if your nerves still work, and because we didn’t want torisk putting you in a completely new suit and disrupt your easy connection togen:LOCK, you’re actually experiencing a very dull version of what could be.”

“It’s enough,” Chase choked out, “It’s enough.”

“Oh, are we making you cry?” Cammie teased, floating infront of him with a smirk, “I didn’t expect this big of a reaction. I think youowe me a thank you!”

“Knock it off Cammie,” he batted her away while Yasaminwiped his tears that were being swallowed up by the liquid anyway, “It’s beenalmost five years since I felt anything like this.”

I didn’t know I could cry too.

“Besides, you don’t get all the credit,” Yaz said, “Youwould have never survived in arguing with Holcroft without us.”

“Yo!” Chase shouted up to the surface, “Are the rest of youcoming in or not?”

“I suppose that’s our cue,” Valentina stated, “You first,Kazu.”

“Huh? Why me? Wait! What are you-!”

There was a loud noise and crackling before Chase saw ashadow appear overhead, before the red suit of Kazu burst through the water andlanded in between him and Yasamin. There was a neater entrance made byValentina, who dove through the surface and shot down towards the bottom of thetank to join them. They floated up to hover by Yasamin as Kazu fumbled to righthimself.

“Poor fool couldn’t hook up his harness by himself”Valentina huffed, “Made me do everything.”

“Maybe if you hadn’t shoved me in, I would’ve figured itout!”

“We couldn’t keep them waiting any longer. It’s not my faultyou’re so slow.”

“Hurry up and hug Chase already, Kazoo! Before he getsannoyed by all of us bickering and kicks us out!”

Chase breathed out a laugh as he opened up his arm again anddrifted towards Kazu, “I could never get tired of you guys.”

Kazu righted himself and swam towards Chase, reciprocatingthe hug before he pulled back and draped one arm over his shoulders as heattacked his head with a harsh noogie.

“Woah, hey!”

“That’s for all the trouble you’ve been causing youraniki. Been wanting to do that for a while. It never felt right in the Holon.”

Chase winced as he lifted his head from underneath theattack but smiled still, “Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Do you think we could playbaseball here? I can still pitch with this arm.”

“Let’s keep it restricted to our Holons, please. The glassis strong, but it’s not indestructible,” Yasamin chided.

“So there is glass? It seemed infinite in here,” Chase said,looking around. Cammie pulled the command screen out of her watch again andbegan fiddling.

“Yeah, unfortunately Holcroft wouldn’t let us build you a lifesizeocean, so most of this is an illusion.”

She dropped the imagery and the endless, blue shadows andlight refracting through the water shrunk back, revealing the main hangar ofRTASA. The tank was still quite big though, and Chase felt as though hewas a shark inside an aquarium tank. He could now see above, where a smallplatform hovered overhead. Built into the top of the tank was a small room thatled to where the tank could be opened for maintenance and if people needed toenter.

“But, the good news is, you’ll have full control of the settings,so if you ever want to see our lovely faces outside of the tank, you still can,even if you’re not walking around. And, the illusion works on the outside too.You’ll be able to block Kazoo out if he annoys you too much.”

“Don’t you mean he’ll block you out?”

“Nah, I’m too cute for him to want to block out. Besides, ifhe did, I’ll just disable it. I’m the only one you can’t get rid of!” She saidas she pounced on Chase’s back, being careful of the machinery strapped to him.

“Wait a second, the nanotech. Is it even safe for you to bein here?” Chase asked, suddenly drifting away from all of them.

“It’s still dormant, but, just to be safe, that’s anotherfeature of the suits that Doc designed.”

“We have to cover ourselves head to toe to prevent anypossible infiltration,” Valentina said, stretching their arm and fingers outthrough the water as they eyed the fabric of the suit up and down, “The helmetsare a bit clunky, but it’s like our Holon heads. Not too uncomfortable.”

“So, you’re safe?”

“As long as we’re dressed like this, and there’s no cracksin the helmets,” Cammie knocked on the outside of the helmet for emphasis, “We’regood.”

“But, just in case,” Yasamin reassured, There’s an emergencysystem that will draw us all out of the water if it ever detects yournanotech begins to move again.”

Cammie lunged at Chase and tackled him again, this timepushing down on his shoulders and flipping up over him until she was floatinghigh away. Her ponytail swished around inside the helmet, and as it brushed theinside of the container, Chase felt the distinct sensation of hair brushing hisforehead as she nearly collided heads with him.

“Let’s have some fun! This is like your, what, thirdbirthday?”

“Fourth if you count the fact that I’m the copy. How longcan you all stay in here though?” Chase asked.

“Don’t worry about it! We’ll be with you as long as you wantfrom now on!”

**

Or so they had said, but now…

Now Chase was trying to rip himself away from them.

Again.

“Not when we’re so close! We don’t have time!” She beggedthe rest of the team as the uptime warning flashed in all of their minds.

Chase had finally agreed to mindshare with her, with all ofthem. He was finally ready to let them in, and now they were talking aboutrunning away only to give Nemesis the perfect opportunity to kill all of themwhile they were back in their human bodies.

She wouldn’t let them get Chase. She wouldn’t let them killthe rest of her family.

“Yeah you do. You’re going to get the time you need to reset,”Chase’s affirmation made her freeze up as he lowered his hand on her shoulder.She had longed to finally be able to touch him for so long, and after gettingthe chance in real life, all that remained was in the mindscape. For him totruly open up and accept them all. But, as his hand settled on to her, fearstruck her at his next words.

“You can bet on it.”

She wanted to scream. Her mouth struggled to speak,eventually all she could get out was, “Chase, no!”

If he let go now, if he exceeded uptime…

“This has to stop now!”

“No! Not like this!”

The warning flashed louder in their ears. Yasamin felt herworld closing in around her as Chase continued to insist they run and leave himbehind.

“You will lose your body!” She shouted exasperated. They hadno more time. No more time for her to find the words she wanted to say. To tellhim why it wasn’t fair that he ran away from them after he just started to openup. To tell him why she was scared he would die before they got back to him.What happened beyond uptime was unknown. Chase’s body would be renderedcompletely empty, Chase would never be given a chance to be human again.

It wasn’t fair. She had just gotten the chance to touch him-

“Yaz… I lost that four years ago,” He confessed,  “This is me now.”

Yasamin wanted to cry.

“You just said it. I gotta let go, right? Change. “

Yasamin reached out and grabbed his hand, desperately tryingto merge with him so she could run his Holon back with them.

“This is not what I meant!”

But Chase was already pulling away.

**

After the battle, Chase stood in front of the emptytank.  

The others left him alone. They had downloaded and gone totheir room to retire for the night. But Chase couldn’t download now. Hehad burned through all his uptime, and now was stuck inside his Holon.In the adrenaline rush of battle, he didn’t mind it. Although they were bulky,they did provide a lot more freedom than his human body.

Perhaps he would have felt that way had his friends not justbuilt him a giant tank to give him so he could hug and be with them. Perhaps hewould have felt that way had he not just wasted their gift and time andenergy and arguing with Holcroft about how vital this would be to Chase’srecovery, to his improved gen:LOCK performance.

But, there was something about seeing the dark tank, knowingthe time his friends and his family had spent trying to make him happy again,that made him tighten his fist against the surface, and shut his eyes.

He regretted it. It was necessary in the moment andit helped them win, but he regretted it. There was a slim chance he could everreturn to his body now. There was the matter of Leon too, if he would ever wakeup. Chase should be thankful he had a consciousness left at all after how muchhe did during the battle. At least, he could still ping out in his hologramform to walk about with everyone like he used to. It just felt like he burnedthrough more than just uptime when he left his body behind.

But.

As he thought back to the battle, to the way he had syncedup with all of his friends, perhaps it hadn’t been a wasted opportunity.

Mindshare was different than any physical touch. It was moreintimate, yet more pure. Chase had spent so long longing to feel touch again,he had been denying perhaps a better alternative all along. When Yasamin hadreached out to him at the Battle of the Anvil, had he taken her hand, couldthey have saved the Doc? Would they have been able to beat Nemesis together inthat moment?

No, probably not. Chase was still so angry at that time, hewould have just clouded Yasamin’s mind and put her in danger, making thesituation worse. He was thankful he didn’t make her first experience inside hishead one so full of hatred and confusion. Especially since all that anger was directedat the Doc, it would have made for a terrible mix.

Still, it was strange. Learning he could touch again onlyfor it to be ripped away from him. He did it with his own hands though. Thiswas his own choice he made. He did feel that he was dishonoring Doc’s finalgift to him, though. Perhaps, had he not been so self-sacrificing, he couldhave experienced the touch of more people before the end. They could have allgone back to the Anvil, and maybe he would have gotten a chance to hug Migasagain, Leon even, had he not had to upload into the last Holon. Maybe even-

Miranda.

But, this was the choice he had made. It was something onlyhe could do in the moment, and now he had to live with that choice. And, he andMiranda had chosen to go their separate ways. He couldn’t keep going back onhis decisions.

Besides, his body was still alive inside the tank.Just not this one. They had moved him back into the smaller tank when the timecame for him to go to the transport ship and upload. Pretty soon, Dr. Jha andeveryone else would work on deconstructing the larger one now that it would gounused.

For the time being, he remembered her telling him.

If they continued to advance gen:LOCK, there was hope forLeon to be able to wake up again in his normal body. Perhaps the same could besaid for Chase, that one day he and his copy, however many they were,would get to download again and live a normal life. When the Union was gone,and the Polity was restored, Chase hoped that somehow, they all couldfind peace.

They all were human, after all. Doc had believed in that,had believed that Nemesis could come back to them somehow. Chase had to believeit too, so he could keep moving forward towards tomorrow.

Left alone in the hangar, Chase took his Holon and sat downin front of the tank, his back to it as he went into sleep mode. It was nothinglike sleeping as a human, but it would rest his mind enough to help pass thetime. He would have to get used to it from now on, having insomnia without the,well, insomnia.

As the light left the eyes of his mech, Chase let himselfdrift in the mindscape.

**

He woke up when he felt something roll off his shoulder.

Reacting quickly, he caught that thing that toppledoff his arm and rolled into his hand. His eyes adjusted and zoomed in on thesmall thing, gasping fully awake when he realized it was Cammie.

“What? What are you doing?”

She was dressed in her pajamas, and the hangar was dark, soit must not be morning yet. He lifted her up closer to his face, but that waswhen he caught sight of another abnormality, and connected it to the strangeweight on his leg.

Draped over his knee, Kazu was asleep. Chase used his otherhand to scoop the man up and deposit him beside Cammie in his right hand. Theyboth barely stirred. He searched around in the dark, looking for Valentina andYasamin. He found Yasamin had barely climbed up onto his form, and instead wasjust sort of hanging against the hip of his armor, slumped against it. Hepicked her up too, but was starting to run out of space in his one hand. Now,where was Valentina-

He turned his head, and felt him knock into something beforea weight flopped against his shoulder. Valentina had hidden themself on top ofthe groove created by the armor’s breastplate, leaning into its curve as itcurled over his shoulder, like it was a hammock. Chase carefully nudged themoff and caught them too, and then with both hands together, lifted histeammates close to his face as he stared down at their sleeping figures.

Because his hands were free of any armor, he could feeltheir warmth through his metal skin. It wasn’t just a weight pressing down ontohis skeletal frame, but instead he could feel them breathing, them moving aboutas Cammie rolled over again and nearly punched Kazu in the face.

Chase laughed softly as he tried not to wake them all up. Hewould have to ask them in the morning what brought them all out here. But, fornow, he just admired the senses he could feel transmitted through the Holon tohis brain, and savored it.

Perhaps this was the last thing that Doc had leftthem. Chase didn’t doubt that Weller hadn’t considered the possibility thatChase would do something this reckless. Maybe he saw it the moment Chase agreedto the program, saw that he was willing to die again, and decided he wouldn’tlet that happen. He created uptime so gen:LOCK candidates wouldn’t overclockthemselves to death, and then gave them all a sense of touch. Even thoughsometimes it caused them pain, he kept it in, to keep them feeling human.

To keep Chase feeling human.

He had to keep feeling human. He had lost his body, but nothumanity.

That was what the Union wanted, and as he looked down at thesleeping faces of his family, he refused to give them what they wanted.

Besides, if Cammie was able to interpret Doc’s notes soaccurately, who’s to say that she couldn’t go forward and do what even hecouldn’t do?

Chase tucked his friends close to his chest, and went intosleep mode again. This time, he dreamed.

[noona-clock]

Untitled - Part 6

Genre: AU/Fluff

Pairing: Junmyeon x You (Female!Reader)

Warnings: Very slight mature themes

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 |  Word Count: 2,981

“A... a trip?” you responded, holding your fork in mid-air and blinking a few times as you stared at him. “Which one?”

Junmyeon had mentioned upcoming trips to both California and Chile, and you were curious to know on which one he wanted to take you.

(You were secretly hoping it was California because then you might be able to convince him to take you to Disneyland.)

A soft smile tugged at your boyfriend’s lips, and he set his fork down gently on the edge of his plate. “Neither of those,” he answered with a shake of his head. “I want to go on a real trip with you. A vacation. Not for work.”

...Well, you wouldn’t lie and say you weren’t just a bit relieved.

Except maybe about the Disneyland part.

Ever since that first morning when you’d woken up next to Junmyeon, you’d been trying to figure out how you felt about being a part of that side of his life. He had continued to post about you on his story, and you had finally broken down one night and asked Junmyeon if he got any replies about them.

“Yeah, some,” he had told you. “Mainly just people asking who you are. I’ve never officially said anything about having a girlfriend, so people are just curious.”

You had told him he could mention you if he wanted to, of course. You were just still unsure about actually putting your face out there.

(Side note: The very next day, Junmyeon had posted a picture of the meal you ordered at dinner, and he had captioned it with “My girl knows how to order the insta-worthy food.” You seriously loved how he couldn’t wait even a day to take you up on your offer of mentioning you. Junmyeon truly had one of the purest hearts you’d ever known.)

So, yeah. You were fine with him posting half-hidden pictures of you on his story and talking about you in captions or vlogs. But actually being in a vlog? 

It just made you nervous.

Hearing he wanted to take you on a trip just for fun, just the two of you, made you happier than you could probably even express in words.

“I still want to take my camera and vlog,” he told you. Your brow began to furrow with anxiety, so he quickly added, “But just for us. I won’t upload them publicly. I just like to have the memories on film.”

Okay, well, that you could understand. You actually still watched Junmyeon’s videos frequently. In fact, you had watched his series of vlogs from Japan about four times over at this point.

“But where are we going?” you asked, leaning forward just a bit in anticipation.

Junmyeon leaned forward, too, reaching over and taking your hand in his. “We can go wherever you want to go.”

...Wait, what.

“Where...ever I want to go?” you repeated, wanting to make sure he had 1. really said that, and 2. really meant it.

A smile tugged at the corners of his lips, but he pressed them together to keep it from getting too cheesy and excited. “Wherever you want to go,” he repeated.

You were still a bit confused... and bewildered... I mean, surely, he didn’t really mean ‘wherever.’ Because, obviously, your first thought was...

“Well, I want to go to the South of France, but that’s so --”

“All right, South of France it is,” he nodded. “I figured you would say that. How about Provence?”

“Wh -- but -- Junmyeon, you -- I mean -- you’re not serious, right?” you stammered, your eyes widening and your brow furrowing even deeper than before. “I don’t know if I can afford that!”

Junmyeon’s eyes crinkled as he laughed softly. “Baby, I wouldn’t invite you to go on a trip and then make you pay for it.”

Oh, my god. Was he serious?

“What -- no, I --”

“I don’t have to pay for most of the trips I go on,” he interrupted. “I can save a lot more money than I spend. And do you know how many airline miles I’ve racked up? We could fly around the world a few times, and I’d probably still have some left.”

Had you even realized how generous your boyfriend was? He was offering to take you on the trip of your dreams!

But, because you were you, you had to ask him one more time.

“Are you sure?” you asked, the wrinkles on your forehead getting ever deeper. “I mean -- we haven’t been together that long, and --”

“We don’t have to go anytime soon if you’re uncomfortable with it,” Junmyeon assured you, squeezing your fingers. “Or we can go somewhere closer to home. I just... I want to spend more time with you. And traveling is a big part of my life, but so are you now. But if you want, I can just take a week off and we can stay home, just relax.”

Even though Junmyeon was doing his best to cover it up, you knew he would be disappointed if you said you’d rather just do that. Like he said, traveling was a big part of his life. It was his career, but it was also his hobby. His passion. There’s really not much better than sharing your passion with --

Oh, my.

You’d been about to finish that sentence with the words “someone you love.”

There’s really not much better than sharing your passion with someone you love.

Love.

Before you could let yourself think way too much about that...

“How about,” you began, gnawing briefly on your lower lip. “We go somewhere much less expensive right now and save my dream trip for later?”

Junmyeon’s lips curved into a grin, and he brought your hand up to kiss the backs of your fingers. “I think that sounds like a great idea.”

Before the two of you had cleaned your plates, you had decided to go visit a picturesque countryside town a bit closer to home. Junmyeon wanted to relax, and staying in a more rural area was sure to mean less Internet and cell phone service. He would be forced to relax and not think too much about work. 

But it also wasn’t too far away from a larger city, so civilization would be there if you really needed it.

Since your job as a writer was pretty flexible, Junmyeon had convinced you to go for a full week next month, in-between his trips to California and Chile.

(You were secretly still hoping he would invite you to California but only for the Disneyland thing.)

And you had also secretly decided that a trip to the South of France could wait until a much more important reason came along.

Over the next few weeks, you managed to only think about that little slip-up frequently. Which was much better than constantly.

And by ‘that little slip-up,’ I mean that time when you’d thought about the word ‘love.’ In relation to Junmyeon.

Okay, but like. Calling it a ‘slip-up’ sounds wrong. Because that implies it was a mistake. And it wasn’t! It was just... kind of... unexpected.

But was it, really?

Your feelings for Junmyeon had developed pretty quickly, especially considering how your first date had ended. You’d thought for sure you’d never see him again, but then, two weeks later, you’d kissed him. And it had only snowballed from there.

So, was it truly unexpected that you would think of the word ‘love’ after just three months? And that you would keep thinking about it during the fourth?

...Maybe not.

But you didn’t say anything about it because Junmyeon didn’t say anything about it. 

The two of you were pretty open and very honest with each other, so if he wasn’t bringing up the L-word, then you had to assume he wasn’t there yet. Which was totally fine! You didn’t expect him to be there yet, so it’s not like you were disappointed or anything.

You were a little anxious, though.

So, really, your trip with Junmyeon came at just the right time. You were so looking forward to a whole week of relaxing and exploring the countryside. And you were more than curious to experience what it was like traveling with Junmyeon, a travel expert.

He had slept over last night since your flight was fairly early in the morning, and it would just be easier if the two of you went to the airport together instead of meeting there. And, also, you just liked sleeping in the same bed as him. He’d done it quite a few times over the past two months, and you found you slept more soundly when he was next to you.

As it turns out, you also flew in an airplane with much less anxiety when he was next to you.

You weren’t a novice traveler, but you certainly hadn’t traveled as often as Junmyeon; flying just wasn’t one of your favorite things. But the fact that your boyfriend knew his way around an airport, didn’t seem nervous in the least, and held your hand through the entire flight helped ease your worries.

(Plus... he was able to score first-class seats with his airline miles, so that definitely made things easier. And a lot more comfortable.)

As you expected, Junmyeon took a lot of pictures from the very beginning. The two of you took numerous airport and on-the-plane selfies, though he didn’t post any on Instagram. They were just for you guys.

He did post other pictures on his Instagram story since he was just that type of person. Your trip wasn’t for work, but he still wanted to document it for posterity. And he made sure to tell his followers he was going on an actual vacation -- so no vlogs. (No public vlogs, at least. He had packed his camera and told you he had every intention to film like he usually did. The two of you would be the only ones to watch them, though.)

Since you had decided to go somewhere closer to home, the flight wasn’t as long, so before you knew it the two of you were grabbing your carry-ons and heading off the plane. Junmyeon didn’t let go of your hand for even a second, not even when he was helping the taxi driver put your luggage into the trunk.

Unsurprisingly, Junmyeon started filming as the taxi drove you out to your Airbnb, and you’d watched enough of his vlogs by now to know he would do a cool scenery montage set to some chill music.

It was honestly super interesting to see what it was like behind the scenes. You’d never really thought about what it was actually like to film his vlogs, so you realized now you were a little excited to be on the other side of the camera this time. Maybe you would ask him to show you how he edits a video, too, so you could experience the entire process.

You were glad Junmyeon was filming the drive, though, because the passing scenery was absolutely beautiful. As you drove away from the airport, the buildings got fewer and farther between while the trees and greenery got more plentiful.

A soft ‘wow’ escaped from your lips when the line of trees by the highway broke to reveal deep green rolling hills dotted with cows and a bright azure blue sky with marshmallow clouds. You were so used to living near a city that you’d kind of forgotten what it was like to be away from all the hustle and bustle of urban living.

Junmyeon squeezed your hand and then handed you his camera. Your eyebrows raised slightly, but you took it and pointed the lens out the window to capture the awe-inspiring beauty.

When the taxi pulled up to a small cottage at the end of a very long dirt driveway, Junmyeon paid him and thanked him for his service. As the driver turned around and headed back into the city, your boyfriend took back his camera.

He let out a sigh before he said, “It’s going to feel awkward.”

“What is?” you asked, gripping the handle of your luggage.

“Vlogging. It’s always awkward at first, but you get used to it. And you don’t have to talk or say anything if you don’t want to.”

“Okay,” you chuckled. You watched as Junmyeon held his camera out in front of him, the screen flipped up to show the two of you in the frame.

He pressed the record button and brought up a hand to wave at the lens. But then he immediately laughed out loud, bringing that hand to cover his eyes.

“What?” you grinned, nudging him with your shoulder.

“I was about to greet my viewers like I usually do,” he explained with slightly pinkened cheeks.

“So, just greet us,” you suggested with a soft laugh.

He turned back to the camera, waving again and grinning cheesily as he said, “Junmyeon and Y/N! Hello!”

You waved, too, but you could feel your lips forming into such an embarrassed smile-smirk. Junmyeon had been right. It was awkward.

“We have just arrived at our Airbnb, and I don’t think we could’ve chosen a better place to spend a week of relaxation.” He then glanced at you over his shoulder, eyebrows raised. “What do you think, babe?”

“I think you chose it,” you pointed out quietly, still smiling bashfully. He had taken care of everything, in fact, but you had happily let him. He traveled for a living; there was no way you would even pretend to know how to plan a trip as well as he did.

“This is true,” Junmyeon chuckled. He then lifted an arm and put it around your shoulders, pulling you close to him and pressing a kiss to your temple. “Are you excited?”

Your cheeks warmed, and you avoided looking at the camera like the plague. “Yeah,” you answered, feeling the corners of your lips turning even more upward. “Very.”

“All right, let’s go look inside,” he announced. He brought his arm back from around you and grabbed a hold of his suitcase before turning the camera around so he could film the outside.

Junmyeon had found a cottage guest house on a huge farm, and you weren’t sure you had ever seen such a cute little place in your entire life. The outside was white with muted green shutters, a gray tin roof, and a pillow-laden swing on the quaint front porch. A white picket fence marked the perimeter of the yard, and the most lovely pink and purple flowers lined the cobblestone walkway leading up to the front door.

The listing had mentioned farm animals and a pool up at the main farmhouse, so you knew the outside had even more to offer... but you were anxious to see the inside.

When Junmyeon opened the door, he began walking through slowly, narrating a house tour as you followed and gazed around with your mouth agape.

The living room was cozy with the sweetest little old-fashioned fireplace and no television in sight. The kitchen cabinets were painted the same muted green as the shutters, and copper pots and pans hung from hooks on the wall next to the stove. A peek into the bedroom awarded you the sight of a white wrought iron bed frame with a pastel blue checked comforter and lots and lots and lots of pillows.

To put it simply, it was the most adorable house you’d ever seen. It was basically straight out of a magazine all about cozy cottages. 

As Junmyeon popped into the bathroom, you rolled your suitcase over to the side of the door... and you couldn’t help yourself any longer. You hurried over to the bed and flopped onto it, landing on your back on top of the huge mountain of pillows.

Your boyfriend joined you not even a minute later, crawling onto the bed next to you and holding the camera up above the two of you. “You like it?” he asked, resting his head right next to yours.

You sighed happily before turning to look at him. And instead of answering, you simply peppered his cheek with kisses.

Junmyeon laughed, and you heard the soft beep of the camera turning off before he moved to pepper your cheek with kisses. A squeal escaped your lips, and Junmyeon began to transfer his kisses from your cheek to all over your face, eventually moving to hover over you.

He kissed your lips then, the atmosphere shifting from playful to tender as you moved to cradle his cheek in your palm. His lips pulled at yours slowly, and you savored the taste of his kiss, the feel of him on top of you.

Just when you were feeling the beginnings of butterflies in your stomach, Junmyeon pulled away. He went right back in for a few more quick kisses, though, and when he actually pulled away, he reached up to tuck some hair behind your ear.

“Thank you for bringing me on this trip,” you whispered. 

“You’re welcome,” Junmyeon whispered back, smiling softly down at you. “Thank you for... being you. For being mine.”

“You are very welcome,” you chuckled. You pursed your lips for another kiss, and as Junmyeon obliged, you couldn’t help but feel a strong sense of anticipation brewing inside you.

You couldn’t wait to spend a whole week here with him. You couldn’t wait to relax and spend time with him and kiss some more.

A whole week.

It doesn’t seem like a long time, but remember what happened in less than a week about three months ago?

You and Junmyeon met, had a very awkward first date... and then five days later...

I’m just saying. A lot can happen in a week.

Part 7

[fanfictionaries]

Where the Green Grass Grows - Part 2. All My Exes Live in Texas

Summary: After leaving town in 2001, Marianne Grace Barnes swore she’d never step foot in Texas again. She was happy with her life in San Francisco. She had great friends, a great job, and a loving boyfriend. But when her mother insists she come home after six long years away, Marianne comes face to face with someone she vowed to never lay eyes on again. Now the questions arise: Is he so different from the man who broke her heart? Is she so different from the girl she used to be?

And most importantly, is she as happy as she really thinks she is?

A story of love, heartache, and that special feeling of being home.

MASTERLIST

Prompt: Sweet Home Alabama (2002) 

Pairing: AU Cowboy!Steve Rogers x OFC

Warnings: NA this chapter I think? ANGST! 

Author’s note: It’s easier if you imagine everyone with a southern accent except for Marianne (Pronounced Mary Anne) who has a slight southern accent but’s lost it’s strength over the years. Also, how sexy is it to imagine Sam, Bucky, and Steve with southern accents?!?!?

My goal is to upload two parts a week for this series! Please bear with me, schools starts back up next week! xoxo

***

“Married?!”

“Mama—”

“You’re getting married?! And I had to find out through the paper like some stranger?”

“Mama, please. I said I was sorry—” Marianne tried to apologize once again but was drowned out by the hysterical cries of her mother through the phone.

“Marianne Grace Barnes, I don’t know who you think you’re talking to, but you will wait till I am good and finished talking before you interrupt me,” scolded Winifred Barnes.

“Yes ma’am,” grumbled Marianne, cursing every member of the staff at the San Francisco Chronicle.

***

It seems as though San Francisco’s most eligible bachelor, Tony Stark (32) is officially off the market amidst the announcement of his engagement to a Marianne Barnes (24). Mr. Stark, heir to the Stark fortune and founder of Stark industry met Ms. Barnes, middle school art teacher, a short ten months ago at an art show for the now celebrated artist Aldrich Killian. Sources say the pair hit it off almost immediately, and this can be confirmed by the fact that Barnes was rumored to be living with Stark in his sprawling San Francisco townhouse a mere two months after meeting. Since then, the two have been inseparable. Barnes and Stark have been spotted together at multiple Stark Industry events and frequenting many of San Francisco’s hottest spots. No matter the location, however, it is clear that the pair are deeply enamored with each other.

No details have been released on the exact date and location of the wedding, but our sources say they plan to marry soon in anticipation of the expected merger between Stark Industries and Pym Technology. Needless to say, we at the San Francisco Chronicle expect the event to be as lavish and opulent as the man, Tony Stark, himself.

***

Truthfully, she had no idea that they would do a piece on her and Tony’s engagement, although in hindsight it didn’t really surprise her. He was one of the most wealthy and successful men in California, why wouldn’t they? However, what really surprised her was that her parents were subscribed to the newspaper. Why they felt the need to keep up with the going-ons of San Francisco life from all the way in Texas, she had no clue.

“You know there’s this nifty little invention called a telephone missy and I know you have one of those fancy cellular phones with you all the time. And don’t for a second say that you called but we didn’t answer, because we even have an answering machine now. James went and got us one for Christmas so that we could stop ‘accidentally’ missing all those ‘calls’ you’ve been making—” Her mother’s tone was accusing and rightfully so. It was true. Marianne had a nasty habit of not calling home and lying about it later, but she had found over the years that things were easier when she spent less time thinking about home. Unfortunately, she did not know about the answering machine and now she had nothing to say for herself. “And to think we spent 18 years feeding you and raising you and giving you everything we could just for you to go and get engaged to a man we’ve never even heard of, let alone met!”

“Tony and I were talking about flying you, daddy, and Bucky down a week or so before the wedding, so you could spend some time with me and Tony. You know, get to know him and all,” said Marianne sheepishly, suddenly feeling so dumb she could throw herself on the ground and miss.

“A week?! Honey, I know you don’t think we’re gonna’ wait a week before the wedding to meet this man. You realize he never even asked your daddy for his blessing? He’s none too pleased about it neither. The man’s got a bur in his saddle so large you could see it from Houston.

“Mama, I’m not property. Tony doesn’t need daddy’s—”

“Nuh uh, you zip it right now missy. At the end of the day, it’s the principle Marianne Grace. Now, we wanna’ meet this man. Soon,” said Winifred so sternly Marianne could just envision her pacing the kitchen in a rage.

“Okay, I’m sure we would be more than happy to fly you all over whenever you like,” stated Marianne, standing and looking over to where Tony was fully engrossed in his work at his expansive glass dining room table. She tried to catch his eye, but he had yet to unglue his eyes from the screen of his laptop and the stacks of paper around him. Marianne was halfway to him when her mother’s words stopped her in her tracks.

“Your daddy can’t get a day off from the ranch any time soon since Sam Wilson fell off the barn roof and broke his arm; and Bucky’s busy with his practice and helping to fill in for Sam.”

Marianne swallowed thickly, “So what do you want to do?”

“You two will come here,” her mother stated flatly.

“Mama, I don’t think that’s a good—”

“No arguing with me Marianne,” interrupted Winifred before continuing in a softer tone. “You haven’t been back home in almost six years. It’ll do you some good to come home and spend some quality time with your family. We miss you honey.”

“I miss you too mama, but there’s absolutely no way Tony and I can make it down to Texas before the wedding.”

***

The air was hot and muggy in the small plane as they sat docked on the tarmac at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport. They’d been sitting there waiting for an open terminal for nearly an hour, but it felt like four. Marianne was ready to open the emergency exit herself and face homeland security if it meant getting a breath of air that wasn’t shared with a hundred other people. Therefore, she was in no way ready to hear the news that Natasha had for her when she turned her cellphone back on.

“What do you mean Montecito fell through?!” exclaimed, smiling sheepishly to be the people around her in apology before turning towards the window and lowering her voice. “Please telling me you’re joking Nat. I really can’t handle any bad news right now.”

“I wish I were Mari, but unfortunately it wouldn’t matter if Tony had more money than God. There’s no way you two are finding a decent venue in California until at least next summer,” said Nat, only adding to Marianne’s stress level. She ran a hand through her brown curls, already feeling them begin to grow and frizz in the dry Texas climate. Yet, another reason to hate it there.

“Are you sure? Did you try Fairmont?” Marianne asked in desperation.

“Sweetie, I’ve tried Fairmont, The Langham Huntington, Montecito, Sherwood, Oak Mountain…you name it; I’ve called and been told no. Are you sure you guys can’t put off the wedding till next year?”

“No, Tony is dead set on having the wedding in June and seeing as it’s April, well…” Marianne trailed off, unsure of how even to end that sentence. Two months. Tony had given her two months to plan this wedding and she was scrambling. She felt the plane lurch forward as it began a slow crawl across the asphalt. The overhead intercom crackled before announcing they would be departing the plane in ten minutes. The plane erupted into a smattering of applause that seemed to rouse a sleeping child as a high-pitched cry sounded soon after.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were knocked up,” laughed Natasha, clearly trying to lighten the mood.

“At this point, a pregnancy would be the least of my worries,” sighed Marianne, leaning back in her seat and plugging her free ear with her finger. As the plane continued to move towards its gate, the space filled with the sound of passengers gathering their things and chatting excited.

“Where are you? It sounds like a carnival on your end.”

Marianne laughed bitterly, “A carnival would be more fun. Unfortunately, I’m currently stuck on the world’s most uncomfortable airplane.”

“An airplane? Where could you possibly be going right now?! We have a wedding to plan in less than two months!” exclaimed Natasha in exasperation.

“It’s less where I’m going and more where I am, actually.”

“Okay, well then please, enlighten me. Where are you?”

“I’m in Texas,” confessed Marianne, unbuckling her seatbelt and standing as the plane door finally opened and the deboarding process began.

“Oh no…”

“Oh yes.”

Two hours later and Marianne was convinced that her luck couldn’t get any worse. As if Texas itself was punishing her for six long years away, the airline lost her luggage indefinitely and her taxi driver got lost, twice, before they finally pulled up to her parents’ home in Georgetown, Texas. The farmhouse was small; built in the 1800s as a place of residence for the ranch foreman, it still held its original purpose. White with baby blue shutters and a large wrap around porch, Marianne had many memories of sitting on the porch swing and watching the time inch by. Stepping out of the air-conditioned sanctuary of the cab, the full force of southern heat hit her square in the face. Before she could even turn to close the car door behind her, her mother’s excited cries floated through the air. The screen door squeaked and groaned as the greying woman heaved it open and ran towards her daughter with open arms.

“My baby is finally home! Hallelujah!” cried Winifred, engulfing her daughter in a tight hug. Winifred Barnes, standing a few good inches shorter than her daughter, hugged her with surprising force. Years of helping out on the farm left her figure lean and muscular, while years of good ol’ southern cooking left her with a pair of hips that still made most of the men in town turn their head when she passed by. Of course, none of that was new to Winifred. In her day, the woman had been the bell of the ball in Texas society. A former debutant and pageant queen, she had the pick of any wealthy Texan she came across, but when it all came down to it, she had chosen George Barnes – a lowly ranch hand with no prospects outside of roping, riding, and herding cattle.

“Hi mama, it’s good to see you,” said Marianne, feeling her heart clench slightly as she hugged her mother tightly. She was surprised to see some grey in the blonde, pin straight hair Marianne had always envied growing up. The lines at the corner of her mother’s eyes and mouth made her wonder for a moment if she truly had been gone for too long.

“Do you need help with your things?��� Winifred asked, looking between Marianne and the taxi driver who was currently making no move to get out and help her daughter with her luggage.

“Oh! Hold on—” Marianne leaned back into the taxi and dug into her purse before pulling out cash for the driver “—Sorry. Thank you so much.”

With that she exited the cab, purse, and small carry-on in hand, slamming the car door behind her. The cab took off with a cloud of dust that sent Marianne and her mother into a small fit of coughs.

“They lost my luggage. I’m supposed to be hearing from them some time in the next few days, but they told me not to get my hopes up. Apparently, my bags never even made it on the plane,” Marianne told her mother.

“Oh dear. I hope they find them; it’d be a shame for you to lose all those fancy clothes—" her mother took a moment to take in Marianne’s outfit, an outfit Tony had bought her for her birthday actually. She thought the black pencil skirt, white Calvin Klein button up and thick chunky belt cinched at her waist was a cute ensemble, but judging from the way her mother appraised her, perhaps she was wrong “—we’ve still got all of your old clothes. I’m sure they’ll fit you. If anything, they’ll be too big! You are so skinny; do they not eat in California?”

“Yes, they eat plenty mama. Don’t worry. Now, where’s daddy?”

“Well he should be coming in soon. He found a section of fence down up past the crick, so he took the boys up with him to fix it,” said Winifred, looking out into the distant pasture.

“I thought Sam broke his arm.”

“He did, but the damn fool still insists on helping where he can. Couldn’t get him off that horse if I tried and the good Lord knows I have. Still, your daddy won’t let him do much. Till then Steven and your brother are putting in extra work to fill in the gaps.”

Just the utterance of his name was enough to throw Marianne for a loop, “I didn’t know Steve worked here now.”

“Oh, he doesn’t dear. He’s just helping out. He’s still over at—oh there they are!” exclaimed Winifred, pointing out in the far distance where the silhouette of four men on horse back could be seen against the setting sun.

They should have been indiscriminate from each other from that far of a distance, but Marianne knew without a doubt which one of the men was Steven Rogers. Larger and thicker than the rest of the men, he held a certain grace in the saddle that most professional riders lacked, but Marianne would know anywhere. As they got closer, approaching at a well-paced canter, she couldn’t help but keep her gaze trained on the man in question. The one person she was least excited to see upon coming home. It was no secret how she felt about him. Everyone knew her disdain for the man ran deep, however he was unavoidable given he was her brother’s best friend. Spitefully, she imagined that after all this time he would have gotten fat or perhaps lost all his hair – anything to cut back the enormous ego he possessed. Yet, as they approached it was to her dismay that the exact opposite was true. Not only was he not fat and bald, but he was probably more muscular than he’d been the last time she saw him and his thick, dirty blonde hair was thicker and longer than ever, hanging down to the nape of his neck under the brim of his tan Stetson. To top it all off, the bastard had a beard so thick and rugged, it put Kenny Rogers to shame…bastard.

She had no time to focus on the way the sweat glistened off the exposed skin of Steve’s neck or the way his thick thighs gripped the leather below him, because the moment they were close enough her older brother of two years was launching himself out of the saddle and onto her. His large, strong arms wrapped around her middle and hoisted her into the air, spinning her in the air and nearly causing her ankle boots to fly clear off her feet. When he finally placed her back on the ground, his grin was as wide as the Mississippi and as bright as the blinding Texan sun.

“There she is!” he beamed before looking all around her. “Where’s that fancy fiancé of yours?”

“He’s not coming till Wednesday, remember?” called their mother over her shoulder as she made her way back to the porch steps.

“He had some business to take care of before he could come down. Figured I’d come down ahead and let you get all of your crazy out before you meet him. That way you don’t scare him off,” teased Marianne, punching her brother’s arm in good spirits. “You look good. How’s the practice?”

James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes was the most accomplished of the Barnes’ children. After undergrad at the University of Houston, he went on to become a veterinarian and take over the old clinic right in town. Of course, that couldn’t be enough for the young Barnes man. No, he had to be annoyingly handsome as well; possessing the same brown curls as her, his boyish smile, tall height, and muscular stature always seemed to work in his favor. “Oh, it’s great. Busy as all get up,” he answered, tucking his hands into the pockets of his dirty wranglers.

“What? Your old man doesn’t get a hug as well?” asked George Barnes, handing his and Bucky’s reigns over to Steve before walking over to her and engulfing her in another hug. A feeling of safety and serenity washed over her as she hugged her father tightly. In truth, she’d always been a daddy’s girl. Never did she miss a moment growing up to help her father on the farm right alongside her brother. George Barnes, while coming across as stern and taciturn at times, was nothing more than a soft, kind-hearted man.

“Hi daddy. I missed you.”

“I missed you too pumpkin. My successful, big city daughter has been away for too long,” her father teased, an edge of sincerity to his tone. She gave him one last tight squeeze before releasing herself and turning her attention away from her father’s comment and instead to Sam Wilson. Sure enough, there he was, cast and all, sitting high and good-naturedly on the back of his Appaloosa. He was everything her mother described, kind brown eyes, a sweet gapped smile, cropped black hair, and deep tawny skin that glistened in the warm setting sun.

“You must be Sam!” Marianne said enthusiastically, crossing the distance and holding her hand out to him. Sam came to work on the ranch a few years after she left and while she’d never met him, she had heard quite a bit about him. Originally from Alabama, Sam Wilson moved out to Texas chasing a girl and fell in love with the open range and rolling river of Georgetown instead.

“And you must be Marianne. Pleasure to finally meet you,” Sam greeted her, taking her hand in his good one and giving it a gentle shake.

“Please, call me Mari. How’s your ar—”

“I’m gonna’ go put the horses up, George,” the gruff timbre of Steve’s voice interrupted her, the sound both grating to her ears and causing her heart to leap in her chest.

“Oh, alright. Do you want any help?” asked George, turning away from his daughter as Steve began to ride away, leading the other two mares along with him.

“Nah, you stay and catch up. I’ll only be a minute.”

“I should probably go and help him,” said Sam, grinning pleasantly at them before righting himself in the saddle and turning his horse back towards the barn.

“Why don’t you get settled in your room, while your brother and I get cleaned up for supper?” her father suggested, breaking Marianne out of her stupor. She only realized then that she’d been watching Sam and Steve intently as they rode away and disappeared into the large, red barn.

Marianne’s room hadn’t changed a bit. Apparently, her mother had never even given a thought to redecorating or repurposing the room and for that, she didn’t know whether to be grateful or concerned. The same baby pink covered the walls and stuffed animals adorned the surface of her flowery bedspread. Posters littered the walls showcasing the stars of her youth including The Dixie Chicks, Shania Twain, and, embarrassingly, Randy Travis on the ceiling above her bed. Trinkets of her childhood remained on shelves and her desktop. 4-H ribbons and trophies sat in all their glory, reflecting the days in which she put more stock in goat wrangling and horseback riding than watercolor technique and Renoir’s crippling arthritis. It was like walking into a living memorial of the late 90s in the loudest and most obnoxious way possible. She placed her purse and carryon on the bed when a thought popped into her head. Rushing to her closet, she pushed through the clothing, shoes, and a few boxes till she found the special hiding place she created all those years ago.

“Aha!” Marianne exclaimed when her fingers wrapped around the binding of her old diary. Suppressing a childlike giggle, she sat down on the thick carpet of her bedroom floor and opened the dusty journal to a random page.

Dear Diary,

Last week Mrs. Darlene said she was bringing in an older student to fill in for her and teach some of the class and you wouldn’t believe who it ended up being. That’s right. Steve. I mean, I shouldn’t have been surprised. He’s like the most talented artist in the school. Clint reckons he’s going to Julliard or Paris or something when he graduates. Too bad I still have to deal with his annoying face till then. It’s bad enough that I have to see him all the time at home with Buck. Now I have to see him in my classes too? Of course, he just had to get on my nerves too. He couldn’t just leave me well enough alone. He kept leaning over my shoulder and telling me my shading needed work. Sorry we can’t all be artistic geniuses. Some of us are just okay.

After class Clint kept saying how he thinks Steve has a crush on me. I said if that were true then he wouldn’t spend every waking moment with his tongue shoved down Sharon Carter’s throat. Of course, Clint had to go and rile my feathers by saying I was jealous. AS IF! I wouldn’t want Steven Rogers’ tongue within spitting distance of me, let alone in my mouth.

I mean, sure. He does have nice eyes and I can see how some people might think he’s handsome, but he’s no Tom Selleck. I wouldn’t kiss him if someone paid me $1000. Anyways, that’s all for today Diary.

Till next time,

Mari Grace xoxo

“Marianne! Supper’s on!” called Winifred from down the stairs, sending Marianne into a spiral of déjà vu. She shut the journal tightly, throwing it back into her closet before standing and heading downstairs. The expansive kitchen was everything she remembered from the olive-green cupboards to the faded pine table sat on a threadbare rug. She was the last to arrive, finding the table full and the setting across from Steve the only available spot. Begrudgingly she sat, purposefully avoiding any and all eye contact with the man sat in front of her. Instead, she opted to turn her attention to the delicious food in front of her.

Her mother had gone all out cooking her favorite foods: fried chicken, new peas and potatoes in cream sauce, corn on the cob, ham steak, green bean casserole, salad, fresh rolls, corn bread, and if her intuition was correct there was sure to be a peach cobbler sitting  in the oven at that very moment.

“Wow mama, I hope you didn’t cook all of this on my account,” said Marianne, grabbing a chicken leg from the platter in front of her.

“Well it’s not every day my only daughter decides to grace us with her presence. I didn’t know if you still liked the same things, so I made a bit of everything,” said Winifred, helping herself to a bit of salad.

“Yea, we didn’t know if you’d become one of those vegetarians like all those hippies in California,” laughed Bucky, cutting a large piece of ham steak, and shoving it in his mouth.

“They’re not all vegetarians and they’re not all hippies. But even if they were, there’s nothing wrong with being morally and environmentally conscious of what you consume,” remarked Marianne putting a bit of potatoes on her plate and picking up her fork.

“Yea, a consciousness that could put all of us out of work,” said Steve bitterly.

Surprised at his comment, Marianne glared at Steve in annoyance. His face was tilted down towards his plate, but she didn’t need to see his eyes to know that he thought she was all hat and no kettle. She felt a heat begin to bubble just below the surface but bit her tongue. Turning to her father, she asked him how things were going around the ranch.

“They’re as good as any. Flannigan is thinkin’ of sellin’ again, but he’s promised if he does, he’d put it in writin’ that they have to keep me on as foreman. Looks like this ol’ place isn’t rid of me yet,” laughed George.

“Have you thought about buying the ranch yourself daddy?” asked Marianne, who’d never understood why her father never took the next step.

“Oh, I don’t know about that…”

“Sure, you can daddy. You definitely have the know how and I bet you and mama could qualify for some kind of loa—”

“There’s a lot more that goes into buying a ranch than you know, Marianne. It’s not as easy as snapping your fingers and having your rich fiancé get it for you with daddy’s money,” interrupted Steve, now looking up from his plate at her with a superior expression.

“Yes, I’m sure you know all about success what with going to college and—oh wait. You didn’t. You’re just still working at the Double R for old man Jackson like you were almost ten years ago. My mistake. And it’s Mari to you,” bit back Marianne, angrily stabbing into the food on her plate.

“Marianne you don’t—” began Winifred, stopping when Steve held up a hand.

“That’s alright Wini. She said what she said. I’m sure it’s easy to look down on all of us from such a high and mighty position as a middle school art teacher. Isn’t that right, Marianne,” said Steve smugly.

Marianne’s blood boiled, a red-hot rage heating her face, “At least I actually did something with my talent, Stevie.”

“That’s enough you two. If ya’ll can’t act civil at the table, you can just leave. Steven, you’re just as much a part of this family as anyone else, but you’re also a guest and you know better. Marianne, your mother worked very hard on this meal and we’re all excited to finally have you home. Don’t make us change our minds,” George scolded them, the kitchen going quiet as Steve and Marianne hung their heads in shame. It was silent for a while, the sounds of forks and knifes scraping their plates filling the air before someone finally spoke up.

“I was vegetarian for a while,” remarked Sam, putting his corn cob down and wiping his hands on his napkin.

“What?!” asked Bucky in surprise, “When?”

“I think I was…twenty? There was this new girl that started working down at the local diner in Mobile that was vegetarian. Rumor had it she only dated other vegetarians, so I came every day and ordered a veggie burger for lunch hoping she’d notice and we’d strike up a conversation,” Sam told them, reaching forward and grabbing a roll. “Turns out, she wasn’t a vegetarian. She was an Episcopalian.”

The table erupted into a fit of laughter, Marianne herself giggling so hard tears were brought to her eyes. “How long did you go in before you found out?” asked Marianne, dabbing at the corners of her eyes with her napkin.

“About a month.”

The group laughed even harder.

“See, that’s the difference between you and me Sammy. I’ve done a lot of stupid things for girls, but I’ve never let them change me,” said Bucky resolutely.

“Nah man, it’s not changin’ yourself. It’s takin’ a chance on love! You’ll never settle down if you aren’t willing to risk it all for the woman you love,” Sam put wisely, earning him a fond pat on the cheek from her mother.

Marianne smiled happily, missing the gentle banter that a meal at home could bring. She felt the prickle of gooseflesh rise on her neck and the looming sense that someone was staring a hole in the side of her head. On instinct she turned to find Steve’s stormy blue eyes trained on her in solemn concentration. Their gazes locked for a moment, a strange mix of emotions flooding from Steve that made her heart clench in her chest. Then, as quickly as they had appeared, they were gone. Steve was the first to break their connection, turning to George and beginning a quiet side conversation about the new cow horse he’d just bought.

“Don’t listen to this liar Sam. Buck has definitely changed himself for a girl,” said Marianne, shaking off the strange encounter and turning back to the rest of the table.

“What are you talking about girl?” asked Bucky in exaggerated confusion.

“Oh, you don’t remember Suzie Quentin?” Marianne questioned, knowing Bucky remembered exactly who Suzie Quentin was.

“Now wait—” began Bucky, shortly being cut off by Marianne as she turned to Sam to regale the tale.

“In the eighth grade Suzie Quentin said she thought Louis in Interview with a Vampire was hot and so Bucky spent a whole year growing out his hair so he could look like Brad Pitt!” said Marianne with a loud guffaw, moving away as Bucky tried to cover her mouth to keep her from talking. “Except, he didn’t know how to take care of long hair so—”

Bucky was successful the second go around, managing to clamp a hand over Marianne’s mouth so that the only sounds heard from her were a jumble of muffled words.

“Don’t listen to her, Sammy. She’s got a head full of stump water.”

When Marianne had finally managed to wrangle herself out of Bucky’s hold, she couldn’t find it in herself to be mad at her older brother. Quite the opposite really. A sense of sadness filled her at the realization that for six long years she’d missed out on this. The lightness. The familiarity. The happiness that only her family could provide. And for what? Taking another glance towards the large, sun kissed man across from her she felt a renewed sense of bitterness towards the man.

Once dinner finished and everyone was full on peach cobbler and homemade vanilla ice cream, Marianne excused herself from the table, standing and making her way to the porch. The sun had set. The brightness of the moon, hung fat and heavy and almost full in the sky, lit up the night. More stars than she could ever remember shone brightly from above creating a familiar wonder she often felt growing up. She never felt that in San Francisco, where the stars were constantly shrouded by heavy clouds and the lights of the city.

Reaching into her skirt pocket, she pulled out her cell phone and was surprised to find only a single text from Natasha informing her that their caterer had backed out. Nothing from her fiancé who promised to check in on her the moment he could. Of course, he probably was too busy with work. Sighing, she tried not to think about the wedding for at least one night and instead dialed Tony. The phone rang for a few moments before he picked up. From the other end she could hear the raucous sounds of people, music, and laughter blaring through.

“You’ve reached Tony: multimillionaire, genius, extraordinaire,” answered Tony, his voice vibrant and jovial.

“Tony, hey,” said Marianne feeling slightly confused. She thought he had a late-night conference call with Tokyo that night.

“Mari! Hold on one second—” the boisterous noise began to fade and then a door clicked shut before Tony spoke again “—sorry about that. How was your flight? Did you make it to Texas alright?”

“Yea, I did. Unfortunately, they lost all of my luggage, but it could be worse. My mom still has pretty much all my stuff here from high school still,” Marianne laughed lightly, leaning against the railing of the porch, and gripping it tightly. Her palms were slick with sweat despite the temperature cooling exponentially with the setting sun. Why on earth was she so nervous?

“Do you want me to have some of your things express shipped over to you?” asked Tony kindly.

“No, no need. I can get by. I suppose if I really need something that badly, you can pack it when you come down later this week.”

“Well, don’t go without it you don’t need to. You have the card I gave you. Don’t be afraid to buy whatever you need,” remarked Tony in the offhanded way in which he solved almost all of his problems. Normally this kind of answer wouldn’t make her think twice, but that night something about it irked her.

“Right. Hey, I thought you had nonstop meetings all this week. It sounds like you’re at a party.”

“Oh right, well, you know. Sometimes a meeting is a room full of boring people in suits and sometimes a meeting is cocktails and firebreathers on a rooftop,” joked Tony. Marianne could just envision the charming, devilish smile on his face. It usually did a fine job of getting him out of most trouble, but Marianne found that her inability to see it in person left her feeling put off. Before she could open her mouth to say as much, Marianne heard the sound of a door opening and then muffled voices. “That would be a business associate wanting to talk to me about reactor batteries. So…” Tony dragged out the word, waiting for her to make the decision on whether their phone call was about to end. Marianne paused. In this moment she could get mad, or she could let her fiancé continue to ride the high of a successful business for a while longer.

“Go. Have fun changing the world over flaming tequila shots,” sighed Marianne in good humor. Who was she to rain on his parade?

“God, I love you. Wednesday can’t come soon enough.”

Before Marianne could even get the words ‘I love you too’ out, the line went dead, and she was left standing alone on her parents’ porch in the deathly silence of the country. Or so she thought.

“Big city boyfriend too busy to talk?” asked Steve, sidling up beside her and leaning against the porch. He placed all his weight upon a single veiny forearm laid upon the chipping paint, crossing his long, lean legs, and cocking his hip to the side. It was the familiar ease in which he held himself that while normally made her skin itch, instead filled her with a weighty exhaustion she hadn’t felt in years. It had been a lot for a first day back.

“Fiancé and it’s none of your business,” spat Marianne, her tone barely holding half of the harshness it held earlier when they argued. She folded her arms around her like a protective blanket and looked out on the darkening fields ahead of her.

“Oh, come on Marianne—”

She sent a bone chilling glare in his direction that stopped Steve in his tracks. He let out a long breath.

“You’re right, it’s none of my business. Look, I just came out here to apologize. I didn’t mean to start a fight in there. God knows Wini and George wanted things to go well tonight and I’m sure us bickerin’ didn’t help any. They’d be devastated if you decided to wait another six years to come and see ‘em.”

“Don’t for a second think you have any right to talk to me about my family. Or to try and make me feel guilty for being gone. Not when you’re the reason I stayed away so long,” scoffed Marianne, taking one last glaring look at the man above her and storming back into the house, making Steve the one alone in the deathly silence of the country.

Taglist:

@hidden-behind-the-fourth-wall​

@caffiend-queen​

@grincheveryday

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch.44

Happy Tuesday, Everyone! I am pleased to announce that this chapter has been beta’d by @parisconstantine​ this time... I know, right?  I’m working on getting back ahead of things, since March and April pretty much ate my buffer chapters.

I promised some of you that Simon not having Miys help him with social interactions would have some pretty hilarious repercussions, and hopefully I do not disappoint with this chapter.  Also, we get to see a bit more of our favorite grumpy-puss, Alistair Worthington (created by @baelpenrose​), and a little more of his personality beyond ‘total grouch’.

My new Administrator was thrown almost immediately into the thick of things.  Simon had taken my suggestion to try interacting with people sans Miys proof ‘reading’ his conversation; this alone led to social gaffes by the minute, to the horror of the man newly forced to work in close proximity with us.  Tyche, for her part, wasted no time in making it clear that she was no longer my acting Administrator, first by uploading my entire calendar to the former archivist’s data set and spending about an hour showing him how to set up the alerts necessary to ensure he was constantly one step ahead. New items and requests were directed to him, even while he was working to get on top of existing commitments. To top it all off, he had come on board in the midst of the Food Festival planning, which included coordinating with Sebastian Reed for the grand opening of his pub.

Alistair Worthington rose to the occasion like he had been born to do it.

“Why have humans never quite evolved the understanding that the word ‘no’ is a complete sentence,” he grumbled rhetorically. It had been only ten days since his replacement took over in the Archives, and only nine since he started devoting nearly fifteen hours a day to getting caught up.

“What is it this time?” I asked, more out of curiosity than any concern that he had declined something without even asking my opinion.  Worst case, I could override his decline.

He simply glared at me. “One of the vendors for the Food Festival is adamant on being positioned between the halal and kosher vendors.”  I gestured for him to go on, since that alone was not cause for alarm. “Miss Reid – “

“Sophia,” I interrupted. “We are going to be working entirely too closely together, so I prefer you call me Sophia.”

“Sophia,” he conceded with a chagrined look. “They want to set up a bacon buffet.”

I choked on the tea I had been taking a sip of, sputtering inelegantly all over the floor – fortunately missing Alistair. “That’s pretty brave.” I gasped, trying to convince my lungs that the tea was gone.

He shook his head and held out a cloth to wipe my face with. “Survived an assassination attempt, only to be felled by a cup of ginger tea.  Your epitaph will be set the standard for decades to come.” As I fought to glare at him and smother a laugh, he continued. “I understand that all meat products on the ship are artificially constructed from protein banks, and therefore everything will be kosher, halal, and vegetarian, but that is quite beside the point. It’s rude.”

“I completely agree,” I conceded, holding my hands up in a peaceful gesture. “The entire point of the festival is to bring everyone together with respect and unity, which putting a pork palace between those specific vendors is most certainly not doing.  My question is who even approved a ‘bacon buffet’ in the current climate?  I love bacon as much as the next pork-eater, but come on!” I threw my hands up dramatically. “With all the terrorists who were just executed, it’s just tacky!”

Rather than answer immediately, he dug through the vendor’s application. With a groan, he flicked the file over to me.  I echoed his sentiment when I saw the approver. “That explains a lot,” I sighed before looking up at the ceiling. “Simon, did you really approve a bacon buffet for the festival?”

The response was nearly immediate. “Yeeesssss?” he answered uncertainly. “It sounded like a delicious idea.  Lots of people are really passionate about bacon, and did you see some of the flavors?  Cayenne and tupelo honey, Sophia! It sounds amazing!”

My assistant looked like Simon had just asked him to eat waste materials.  I just ground my teeth and rubbed the bridge of my nose. “Simon. Why are we having this festival?”

“Ship’s unity,” he responded suspiciously.

“And why do we need that?”

“Because some people tried to sabotage the ship and kill everyone on board?”

“Correct. And what were those people?”

“Terrorists.”

“True, but not what I’m looking for. Arantxa Bidarte was…” I trailed off, praying he would figure out what I was getting at.

“A high-ranking – ohhhhhhhhhh. Shit.”

“Yep, a high-ranking shit. In the Baconist movement.”

“I’m sorry. I really am. I wasn’t thinking clearly on the optics.” He really did sound contrite.  I knew he was trying, so I wasn’t going to be hard on him.

“It’s okay,” I sighed. “I know you didn’t mean to do something like that.  And we can fix this.  How about you tell him you reconsidered his offer, and due to recent events we decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to have an entire alcove dedicated to just bacon. However, there are several vendors who will be serving items that can include bacon, and we will happily put him in touch with all of them to let them feature some of his wares in their dishes, including advertising.” Alistair hummed and nodded in approval at that compromise.  “And Simon? Before you send that, reach out to Sebastian with the entire list of this guy’s bacon flavors.  Let him have first dibs.  From what I’ve seen of the food he’ll be serving, he has a great mind for flavors and will probably have a dozen ideas before he even finishes reading the list.”

“You just want that sundried tomato and basil bacon in a Bloody Mary,” he accused playfully.

“You know it, because you do too,” I retorted before sticking out my tongue.

His voice softened. “Thank you for catching that, Sophia. Seriously.  And for helping me figure out how to fix it.”

I waved my hand absent-mindedly. “It’s okay, Simon. You’re trying to figure out people again, and mistakes happen.  If no one helps you figure out how to, we can’t exactly expect you to fix them, right?”

“I’ll reach out to everyone now,” he confirmed before going silent.

When I looked at Alistair, he had a very approving expression on his face. Before I could say anything, it was gone, replaced with a smirk. “Bacon, in a Bloody Mary?” he asked, amusement in his voice.

“I’m pretty sure it’s something distinctly American,” I explained. “But don’t knock it until you try it.  Perfect amount of salt, I’m telling you.”

He shuddered, but I had spent enough time around him at this point to know it was faked. “The entire drink is the most American thing I have ever seen, to be honest.  Imagine, someone from the former United Kingdom naming a drink after the Usurper. Not likely, I am telling you.”

“Considered the second most common garnish is pickled okra, I can’t exactly argue with you on that,” I laughed. “I don’t think there is a vegetable more American than okra.”

“Corn,” he pointed out, distracted as he went through the items on his data pad. Since he started working with me, he had gone from hardly using it to keeping it displayed the majority of the day. Eventually, things would calm down, but until then it was a frequent thing to see him forget to dismiss it and just have it projecting at his side, following his gestures. “Councillors Kalloe and Hodenson have sent a notification that the gravity will be increasing – again? – and to be prepared for any inquiries. Wait, what is this ‘again’ nonsense?” Consternation and mild alarm warred on his face.

I nodded firmly. “Yes, ‘again’. The gravity on Kepler 422b is estimated to be half again the gravity of Earth. While it isn’t anything that will hurt anyone on the ship, the effects of such a sudden gravity change are enough to be worrisome if done to anyone suddenly. Fatigue, blood pressure slowing down, slight dizziness, muscle soreness, etc. The decision was made right before the incident on Level One to slowly increase the gravity on the Ark by five percent of Earth gravity at a time.  Once we are certain that nobody is experiencing any long-term effects, or the effects have been addressed, we schedule the next increase.”  I shrugged, since we had no reports of any effects from the first increase.  As a matter of fact, no one even noticed.

“And you felt there was no need to inform anyone on the ship?”

“Oh, we informed everyone,” I assured him, though I felt a bit guilty. “We sent a ship-wide notification, including what to do if anyone noticed any of a long list of side-effects.  And we will be sending another notification before we do the next one.”

“I would remember if I received such a notification,” was the stiff response.

“Yeah, about that,” I told him sheepishly. “We dropped out of FTL about three hours after it was sent.  In our defense,” I held up my hands to fend of any protests, “that was entirely beyond our control, and the entire Council was too preoccupied to cancel the process or send a reminder. By the time it was all said and done, the change had been in effect for over three months.  I’m not saying it was okay, at all.  The goal was never to be sneaky. To make sure it doesn’t happen again, we are making a point to send the next one a week after the Food Festival, with full audio cast directly into our implants.” I tapped my left temple for emphasis. “And the process has to be triggered, rather than being set with a timed automation.”

“So, God forbid some other crisis occurs, the change will just have to wait?” he asked reproachfully.

“Absolutely.”

That seemed to be acceptable, as he quickly changed the topic. “About what happened with Councillor Simon. That was quite kind of you, Miss – Sophia.”

I could feel my face heating up as I shook my head, hair flying. “Simon has had a very unique experience, and he needs someone in his corner.  The fact is, he was brought on this ship before anyone else, and there is a reason he was chosen, just like everyone else.  He has value, but he and everyone else seems to have forgotten that.  I refuse to do the same and just forget that, too. And until he believes in himself… well, I’ll just have to believe in him enough for everyone on this ship.”

With that, I stood to leave for the evening. It was Wednesday, and the first ‘family dinner’ in a long time.  I needed this night, and nothing was going to stand in my way.  Exchanging a nod with my Administrator, I padded out of my office.  I hadn’t gone far when I heard a quiet comment, not intended for me to hear.

“With faith like that, I truly believe the mountain came to Mohammed,” Alistair stated softly as I walked away.

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[fandom-smut-shots]

Lance McClain - Selfie

Selfie – Lance McClain

SuicidalConnorMurphy

A/N: Male!reader. High school AU.

 Words: 2,357

           Lance McClain was the Selfie King. If he were to be published in the Garrison High yearbook, his trademark would be “Took the Most Selfies.” Nobody particularly minded it, though. They teased the Cuban on more than one occasion, but the taunts never had any heat to them. Lance had a rather impressive Instagram following, considering his feed consisted of selfie after selfie after selfie, sprinkled with a few photos of his favorite beverages from the local coffee shop.

         As his best friend, you were a frequent occurrence in his postings. “Hanging with the best boyo!” was a common caption on Lance’s photos, followed by your username and an onslaught of hashtags. You desperately wanted to be more than the official Best Friend, but you supposed that was better than being a background character.

           One of the reasons that Kaltenecker’s Café was Lance’s favorite caffeine destination was because you were a barista there on the weekends. You usually worked the morning shift, leaving your afternoons open for hanging out and catching up on any homework you didn’t finish during the week.

         Every Saturday and Sunday, at ten in the morning, like clockwork, Lance was there, chatting up your coworkers while you prepared his drink of choice. In the spring, it was an iced Americano with cream and vanilla syrup. Summer was a cinnamon chai milkshake. Autumn was a pumpkin spice latte. Winter was a hot chai latte, dirty if he was studying.

         It was ten a.m. on Saturday, and you had just clocked in for your shift. Your hands wound around your back, securing your apron as you padded out to the front counter. The café was quiet, so you set about prepping your station and brewing yourself a beverage to keep your energy up. The owner was a sweetheart, and one of the first things he’d told you during training was that you were welcome to help yourself to any drink in the café provided that you prepared it yourself, kept it out of customer view, and didn’t let it go to waste.

         The bell above the door chimed, altering you to a new customer.

         “Good morning. Welcome to Kaltenecker’s,” you called without looking up from the counter. Tanned skin appeared in your peripheral vision, drawing your gaze upwards. A smile settled on your lips as Lance leaned against the counter, signature smirk on his lips, one hand raised and poised into a finger gun.

         “Good morning, handsome,” he grinned. Fondness fluttered in your stomach, only to be crushed by the reality that you were just his friend. Though the entire campus knew that Lance was a proud bisexual, you couldn’t help but doubt that you would be even close to his type. He flirted with everyone, it seemed. Everyone except for you.

         “Hey, Lance,” you greeted, already punching his order into the register. “Your usual?”

         “You know it,” he beamed. “Extra shot, please? Finals are coming up.”

         “Don’t remind me,” you groaned. Once the brunet paid for his drink, tipping as usual, you set about concocting it.

         “Study buddies?” Lance inquired with a wiggle of his thin cinnamon brows. The two of you always prepped for midterms and finals together, though your benefits fell short. You always got distracted by his midnight blue eyes and sun-kissed skin, leading you conveniently forget every single chapter you quizzed each other on.

         “Of course,” you agreed without missing a beat. Failing finals was worth quality time with the boy you’d never admit your gay attraction to.

         “Awesome!” He shot you a toothy grin, and the butterflies that had been dancing in your abdomen exploded into homosexual confetti. You slid his drink across the counter with practiced ease, watching as he reached for it before you even fully released the cup. Your fingers brushed against his, and it felt like a thousand volts shot through your skin. You struggled to stifle a shiver, trying to keep your gay heart under control.

         Lance turned his back to you, holding his drink in one hand and his cell phone in the other. He tapped the screen to activate his camera before hoisting the device into the air, effectively capturing the both of you in the screen’s dimensions.

         “Say cheese!” the brunet declared, hardly giving you a chance to smile before he tapped the center button to snap the photo. Satisfied, he shoved his phone into his pocket and took a large swig of his beverage

         He moaned loudly in approval, and the noise traveled straight to your lower regions.

         “You’re the best, (y/n),” he stated. “My place after work?”

         You nodded. “I’ll be here. Need me to bring my books?”

         He offered you a sheepish chuckle, scrubbing a hand across the back of his neck. “Heh, yeah. I may have left mine in my locker today.”

         You rolled your eyes, a fond smile on your lips. Lance McClain was the epitome of unprepared.

         “See you later,” he said with a wink, shooting you one final finger gun gesture before spinning on his heel and sauntering out of the café. You chewed your lip, staring after him like a lost puppy.

           When you took your first break, you withdrew your phone from your pocket to peek at your notifications. It came as no surprise that Instagram was at the top of the list, alerting you that Lance had tagged you in a post. You unlocked your phone and tapped on the note, dropping your weight onto one of the metal folding chairs in the break room. Leaning back against it, your gaze was met with the photo Lance had taken earlier, displaying himself, his drink, and you in the background. Scrolling down, you allowed yourself to read the caption.

           Got to see this cutie again! Look how cute u are @username! Cant wait for our study sesh later!

         #caffeine #kalteneckers #bestbud #isnthecute? #shoulditellhim? #maybenexttime

           A blush dusted your cheeks at the compliment, and you reminded yourself that this wasn’t the first time Lance had posted flirty captions in your honor. What caught your attention, though, was the hashtags. What did “should I tell him?” mean? What did Lance want to tell you? Why wasn’t he telling it?

         Ten minutes rushed by as you pondered the brunet’s words, and with a sigh, you stuffed your phone back into your pocket, returning to the world of coffee beans and soy milk.

           Nearly a week later, finals had come to an end, and the student body breathed a collective sigh of relief. Lance had passed with flying colors, thanks to your tutoring, and you were grateful that his flirting hadn’t impacted your focus.

         You met up with Lance after his last test of the day, and his first instinct was to wrap you in a hug and lift you from the ground.

         “You’re the best!” he shrieked, squeezing his arms around you. You only hoped he couldn’t hear how fast your heart was drumming.

         “How did you do?” you inquired once your feet regained contact with the floor.

         “I passed!” he beamed, taking your hands in his. “I passed everything!”

         You grinned, hoping he couldn’t feel how sweaty your palms were. “That’s amazing, Lance! I told you you were smart!”

         “Come on,” the brunet said as he draped an arm across your shoulders. “I’m taking you out for dinner to celebrate and to thank you.”

         “Oh, Lance, you don’t have to-“

         “Don’t even think about getting out of it,” he grinned. “I owe you. Without your help, I would have had to repeat the year!”

         You chuckled softly. “Well, I can’t have my best friend falling behind, now can I?”

         He led you outside to his cobalt blue Camaro, climbing into the driver’s seat while you slid into the other side. “Despacito” blared through the speakers as he drove to a nearby diner, one that the two of you were quite fond of.

         Your eyes danced across the sign that read Vrepit Sal’s Diner, and your heart warmed at the familiarity. Every year, the two of you would come to the diner to celebrate after passing midterms and finals. Lance led you inside, keeping his arm around you. The owner, Sal, waved as you entered, calling for you to sit anywhere you preferred. You followed the lean brunet to his favorite booth by the window, sliding in across from him.

         Sal approached with your favorite drinks, already knowing what the two of you would order. You had spent so many lunches at the diner, it was a wonder why neither of you worked there.

         As Sal shuffled away to prepare your food, Lance rose from his seat. You watched him with curious eyes as he gestured for you to slide further into your side of the booth. You complied, watching as he slid down beside you.

         “Selfie time!” he declared, and you laughed. You really should have seen it coming. You plastered on the calmest smile you could as Lance opened his camera, holding it at arm’s length in front of you. You rested your head on his shoulder, and with a grin, he placed his head on yours, winking at the lens. The picture snapped, and a moment later, Lance returned to his side of the booth, leaving you feeling a draft.

         His thumbs typed furiously at his phone, no doubt uploading the photo to Instagram. You sipped at your drink while you waited, knowing you would be tagged in the post and alerted when it was viewable.

         Your phone dinged, and you picked it up to check the notification. Sure enough, Instagram had informed you of a tag from Lance, and you clicked it open. On your screen sat the photo of you, edited via a bright filter, and you scrolled down to read the caption.

           Look at him!!! Isnt he adorable??? Lunch at vrepit sals!

         #lunch #yummy #vrepitsals #bestbud #cutiepie #imacoward

           Your brows furrowed in confusion at the tags, and you glanced up to question Lance about them. Sal returned with two plates of food, setting one in front of each of you. Aloud, you thanked him, but in your head, you cursed his interruption. The brunet was a disaster when asked to focus on two things at once, and as much of a chatterbox as he was, food always won out over anything else.

         With a sigh, you ate your lunch, missing the longing gaze in those midnight blue eyes sitting across from you.

           Another week passed, and prom night was fast approaching. Garrison High was buzzing with excitement as boys and girls alike gushed over who they were going with and what they were wearing.

         The only person you wanted to ask you was your best friend, and only saw you as such. If he didn’t ask you, there wasn’t a point in attending.

         “Hey, (y/n),” came Lance’s familiar voice. Classes had ended for the day, and you were ready to go home and escape all of the prom talk.

         “Hey, Lance,” you greeted, offering him a weak smile.

         “You going to prom?” he questioned.

         You shook your head. “I doubt it.”

         He frowned. “Why not? Has anyone asked you?”

         “Nobody I’m interested in,” you shrugged. “I don’t really want to go with someone I don’t like, and the person I like hasn’t-“ You cut yourself off, a blush on your cheeks.

         “The person you like?” the brunet grinned slyly. “You never told me you were crushing on someone.”

         “It’s nothing,” you sighed. “He… He’d never be interested in me.”

         Lance raised a brow, and you failed to catch the hopeful gleam in his eye. “He? Why not? Is he not into guys?”

         “He is,” you countered, “I just don’t think he’s into me.”

         Before Lance could question further, you spun on your heel and fled from the building. Any more questions and the Cuban would have figured out you were talking about him, and you couldn’t bear to face him when he pieced it together.

           The night before prom, you were sitting in your room. A show you’d long since ceased paying attention to played on the TV, but your eyes were glued to your phone. You had been texting a couple of people about prom, letting them gush to you about how excited they were. You wished them the best of luck, and carefully changed the subject when they asked why you weren’t going. No one knew of your crush on Lance, so you didn’t have to deal with any pitying texts.

         An Instagram notification popped up, and you quirked a brow. Lance had tagged you in yet another post. You almost didn’t want to check it, tired of trying to decipher his vague but intriguing hashtags.

         Curiosity got the better of you, and you clicked on it. You nearly choked at the sight that met your eyes, not daring to believe it.

         In the photo was Lance, his torso hidden behind a notebook that he held up to the camera. Written on the notebook was your name, along with, “Go to prom with me?”

         You scrolled down to the caption, your free hand clasping over your mouth in disbelief.

           This isnt quite how I intended to tell u, bestie, but ive been crushing on you 4ever. I know im a flirt but around u I just get so shy and flustered, and I cant think of a single pickup line. U deserve better than that anyway. @username will u go to prom with me?

         #pleasesayyes #promnight #bestie #bestbud #boyfriendsmaybe?

           Biting your lip to keep your grin from breaking your face, you tapped the comments section and typed out a reply.

           You dork! I’ve been waiting forever for this! When I said I would only go with the guy I liked, I was talking about you. Of course I’ll go to prom with you!

           When prom night arrived, many selfies were taken. During one, you stole a kiss, pleasantly surprising your brown-haired date. When he uploaded the photos to Instagram, he was back to his usual flirtatious self, but with one key difference in his captions.

         You were no longer #bestbud. You were now referred to as #bestboyfriend.

[twopedalpushers]

Travel update #5

Ecuador

A lot of events have transpired since I last posted a blog update! I signed off my last post at the border between Colombia and Ecuador. There is a lot to get through and so without further ado, welcome to the fourth country of our travels so far - Ecuador. 

Normally at a border crossing the scenery subtly merged from one country to the next but upon arriving into El Ángel National Park at the Ecuadorian border, we were transported into another world. I don’t know how to describe El Ángel National Park as even the photos that I took are pale in comparison to the experience of being there. We were travelling through the park on a dirt track and there were frailjones (a specific type of Latin American sunflower) as far as the eye could see in every direction. We were the only souls along the entirety of this track and the only sounds were those of our tyres on the dirt. It was surreal. It felt like we were the only people on this strange, desolate new planet. 

We passed through a few different towns before we reached the famous Ottavalo Market. The market is known throughout South America for being the best place to buy alpaca wool goods handcrafted by the indigenous people of Ottavalo. The market was vast, bursting with piles of rugs, jumpers, gloves, hats, toys (to name a few) being sold by charming Ottovaleños. We both bought a jumper each and I’ve pretty much been living in it ever since. 

Probably the nicest thing about Ecuador is the amount of indigenous people wearing traditional dress. In Ecuador, 25% of people define themselves as indigenous - 22% more than in Colombia. More often than not in Ecuador, entire villages will be wearing their own cultural variation of the traditional dress. It was interesting to see how this changed as we crossed the country. Women in the North tended to wear long blue dresses, handmade blue sandals, a white blouse with an ornately embroidered belt. Men wore a blue poncho or shirt and a fedora. Once we travelled South, the women of the highlands now wore extremely bright coloured felt shawls held together with a brooch. They wore knee length bright skirts -usually in a contrasting colour to their shawl, wellington boots and a fedora. The men of the highlands wore striped ponchos and wellingtons. This was the first time I had ever seen so many people dressed traditionally throughout the entirely of a country and it was inspiring to see a culture so rich. 

The capital of Ecuador is in the North, so we reached Quito fairly early into our journey. Out of all of the Latin American capitals we had visited, Quito felt the most European. It had a really relaxed yet quiet and private vibe. People ran in the parks and took their dogs out for walks in the evening. It was extremely civilised but it seemed to lack the intensity, drama and disinhibition of cities in its neighbouring countries. 

The roads after Quito were beautiful. We were cycling through Ecuador’s Volcanic corridor, which took us around Cotopaxi Volcano and ended with the vast and breathtaking Quilatoa Lake. 

The scenery was spectacular but the cycling was becoming extremely difficult. The small roads that we usually cycled on were now cobbled instead of paved or dirt. We had to bump along up hills of extreme gradients. It was rainy season in Ecuador so we frequently found ourselves cycling in dense fog or rain all day. The dampness made cycling uphill on cobbles extremely slippery and dangerous to do, especially on a bike that weighed the same amount as I did! I found myself having to get off the saddle and push my bike up steep hill after steep hill, most of which only 4x4’s were able to drive up.

Ecuadorians seemed to prefer to build roads straight up the mountain rather than having the road switch back a few times to gradually take you up. Because of this, our progress became infuriatingly slow - down from 80km per day in Colombia to 40-50km in good weather. 

Ecuador took us to new heights. Most days we were at an altitude of 3000-4000m. Although thankfully neither of us got altitude sickness, doing such intense physical activity so far above sea level left me incredibly out of puff to the point that I would struggle to catch my breath. 

The picture painted of cycling through Ecuador online and on social media contrasted immensely with the reality of doing so. Cycle-touring blogs and Instagram accounts that I’ve been following whilst on the trip are endlessly positive highlight reels of what it’s like cycling on the best days. Nobody tells you that you will be woken up in the middle of the night with searing pain in your legs from the build up of lactic acid. Nobody tells you that on the worst day of your period you will be biking 2000m of elevation instead of running yourself a hot bath and stuffing your face with chocolate. 

After a while in Ecuador, I started to expect every day to be another bad day, which kickstarted a dangerous spiral of negativity. I would look at Max cycling ahead of me in the distance, conquering each hill much more easily and happily than I could, and I would wonder why I was not able to do the same. I was asking myself why on earth I was putting my mind and body through this every day. It was the first time on the trip that I truly missed home.

Ecuador uses the dollar and is much more expensive than Colombia. Because of this to save money we did a lot more camping than we usually would. However because of the persistent rain we found ourselves needing to camp under shelter, once taking refuge on a volleyball pitch next to the side of the road, other times in hostel courtyards. Not splashing out on a bed in a hostel very often meant that we were tackling the Andes on very little sleep for as long as ten days in a row without a break. 

This has been a pretty negative account (sorry!). However it was not totally miserable in Ecuador. On dry days, we got to camp in some of the most amazing, wild spots that have been better than anywhere else on the trip thus far. We spent time camping next to waterfalls and at the base of volcanoes. Between villages while cycling on dirt roads we were very often the only the people around. We saw lots of llamas and alpacas for the first time on the trip! 

However no amount of cute, fluffy llamas could make up for the difficulty of the cycling and unfortunately my morale was low. The strain of undertaking such an intense physical challenge and spending every minute of the day together began to take a toll on mine and Max’s relationship. We were exhausted and bickering with each other at every opportunity. I was falling out of love with the cycling and in the end we decided that it would be good to take a break from biking and spend some time apart. 

Max and his family were heading to visit him in the Galapagos for ten days, and although I was invited along too I decided to fly to Brazil instead. We were 5 months into the trip and halfway through our time on the continent so it felt like a good moment to rest our bodies and treat ourselves a little bit. 

Our cycle route down the Western side of South America doesn’t take us through Brazil and it has always been a country that I have wanted to visit. I booked my flights to Rio de Janeiro and found out a couple of days later that I was going to be there while it’s Carnival! I really needed to blow off some steam and now had the perfect opportunity to do so - it felt like the stars were aligning! 

So about a week ago, we both left our bikes behind and flew to completely different places. We are going to return to our bikes refreshed, rested and ready to take on the Peruvian section of the Andes! Other cyclists that we have met on this trip rave about Peru being one of the most beautiful countries to cycle through, so I’m pretty excited. More importantly others have said that Peru is far less steep than Ecuador because they thankfully build long, winding hairpins up the mountain at a gradual gradient when possible. Obviously, there will still be hills to climb but after a good rest I’ll be able to take them on with fresh legs and a positive attitude.

I landed in Rio de Janeiro a few days ago and Carnival is every bit as exciting, intense, raucous and dynamic as you would imagine it to be - just times by one hundred. I’ve been at some of the street parties (that seemingly have no start or end) for a few days now. I will save writing about my time in Brazil for my next update. 

Below I’ve posted the full video of our time cycling through Colombia. I’m in the process of putting together the Ecuador video and will upload it in a few days.

Here is the link to track our progress (although we won’t be cycling for a while so you won’t see a lot of progression!) 

http://share.garmin.com/DMB7R

Similarly to my previous post about reaching the end of Colombia, I thought I would write a list of all the interesting things that I noticed while travelling through Ecuador. Again, it’s lifted from my journal so it informally written.

Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream! For a country so cold it’s crazy to see how into ice cream the locals are. On every street there is an ice cream shop. In the North they cover ice cream in cheese (crazy combination I know...) I was intrigued by this but in the end I was too grossed out to give it a try. 

The possibility of taking a hot shower is back- for the first time on the entire trip! Ecuadorians mostly have warm showers, which is nice. They don’t have central heating in their buildings so they use propane tanks to heat their water. Every morning a truck selling gas canisters trawls around every neighbourhood, blaring a song sung by children with shrill voices. It’s the same song in every town we have visited. 

Ecuador has a strangely large amount of Chinese restaurants called “Chifas.”

They’re mad about topiary gardens. In the North every town square had shrubs with peoples faces and animals cut into them. 

Ecuadorians are very quiet, reserved, friendly and humble people.

A very large amount of people drive old school classic VW Beetles. It’s definitely the most common type of classic car you will see in Ecuador. 

[my-love-peterp]

Mistaken Chapter Four

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE ADDED TO THE TAGLIST DROP ME AN ASK

please like and rb/comment <3

Word Count: 1452, SMALL BABY THIS WEEK, SO SORRY

THERE ARE NO ENDGAME SPOILERS, THIS IS A DELAYED UPLOAD FROM AO3

Fic Summary: Peter Parker has been given the responsibility of bringing in a new recruit. Now, as an adult, he realizes that none of the trashy YA novels he read in high school could have prepared him for this. There was a storm on the horizon, and all they could do from the Tower is watch.

Chapter Summary: HOnestly, not my finest work but I’m so tired and I feel so bad about not getting anything out there sooner. I want to change bits and pieces of this story but my goodness, yeah. So if you’d like to Beta read shit for me, y’all would be much appreciated.

Warnings: DEPICTIONS OF PANIC ATTACKS, GUN USAGE, BLOOD AND VIOLENCE, unnamed character death

Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three

There was a reason I felt as though I was on the verge of alcoholism. Oddly enough, it wasn’t the absurdly large amount of Spandex-clad people in the Tower every day. I sucked in a deep sigh, lips curling over my teeth with my harsh intake of breath. My hand shook so hard, the glass tumbler full of whiskey slipped and shattered all over the floor. I stood and moved to clean it up, but found myself suddenly frozen. My head was throbbing and my heart was racing. Or maybe it was dragging. It was hard to tell at this point.

No, it was that I was actually crumbling from the inside out. As my training progressed, so did my introduction and understanding of the purpose of the Avengers Initiative. All this talk about doing good, making the world a safer place…

Let’s just say it didn’t exactly allow me to ignore my past like existing in the shadows had.

Panic attacks haunted me frequently as more and more memories I had repressed came back to haunt me.

I was six years old and a man was pulling my sister’s hair and punching me in the stomach. I choked back my sobs but Nadia screamed and screamed. The dark dingy walls were solid concrete and several feet thick, and below ground… No one ever heard us.

I choked on the blood welling up in the back of my throat and coughed it out when it became too much. I was forced to breathe out of my nose which resulted in gags as the stench of feces, urine and unwashed body hit the back of my throat.

Hours later, I was being dunked into a tub of freezing water and scrubbed down with the roughest of washing stones I’d ever felt. I knew Nadia was being treated similarly because I could feel her pain as well as my own, as she could mine. It created quite a painful feedback loop.

Finally, after hours of this same cycle, we were plunged into total darkness and swiftly fell asleep, naked, freezing bodies huddled together.

Then there’s what came after. Our parents, executors of our torture, were murdered as our home was invaded. The men wielding the guns said they were part of an organization they said wanted to take us in and bring us home. Become a family and give us purpose. Neither Nadia nor I hesitated. We were just two pre-teens desperate to escape our lives in a dungeon and to take action against people like those that had kept us locked up.

What we didn’t know is that things could, and would get a whole lot worse. Not for us, but for the world we would be unleashed upon.

Thoughts swirling in a panic, I burst out onto the balcony of the communal floor I was on. The wind ripped through my hair, blowing so hard antenna flew off the top of the Tower, causing F.R.I.D.A.Y. to sound the alarm.

Muffled shrieks and yells sounded behind me.

Suddenly, the glass doors behind me flew open and a hand clamped down on my shoulder. Cold, icy fear ran through my veins as I saw the shiny metal hand turning me around to face him. Bucky.

“I’m fine,” I bit out, quickly averting my gaze, “just give me a few minutes. It’s all under control.” I had no sooner gotten the last word out than a solar panel came flying down off the top of the building adjacent to Avengers Tower.

Heat roiled around me, the skies darkening, clouds threatening a massive downpour.

Deep breaths, Kaida, deep breaths.

Unsurprisingly, breathing wasn’t helping this time.

“Hey, kid, listen to me. Tell me five things you can see right now,” Bucky commanded, his tone leaving little room for argument.

“Uh, I c-can see clouds, and uh, you and me, and those pigeons. And that damn spandex clad idiot clinging to the side of the building over there,” I couldn’t keep from maniacally cackling as I looked over and saw Peter clinging to the side of the Tower, looking for the world like he was clutching for dear life.

“Okay, good. Now, what about four things you can feel.”

“The wind, your hand—which is cold, by the way—the railing and my clothes.”

“Okay, good. I don’t think we need to go any further with that, it seems you got that under control pretty quickly. I was taught that by my therapist after coming back from Wakanda. Hydra really did some shit to fuck me up. It’s still a struggle all these years later.”

I just nodded, extremely uncomfortable with the direction the conversation had turned. I didn’t need therapy, I wasn’t the victim here. Not anymore, no, I created them.

I looked up at Bucky finally, eyes flashing and hardening, looking all for the world like ice chips. I would know. I practiced in the mirror. He caught my gaze and flinched back, hand dropping off my shoulder.

“D-do we know each other? I know those eyes…” he shook his head, “never mind, I have to be seeing things. There’s no way. Anyways, uh be safe Kaida,” Bucky blurted as he stumbled away and left me to brood on the patio for just a little while longer.

Later, as I sipped at a bottle of Moscato, having forgone a glass entirely, there was a knock at my door. Tony, of course, let himself right in and collapsed on the couch next to me.

“So,” he said without preamble, “What the fuck was that today? Are you trying to take down my building? And how on God’s green earth did you scare Barnes shitless? Maybe I should take a page out of your book, kid.”

“I’m not in the mood Tony. Could yo-.”

“Yeah, well I wasn’t in the mood to get berated by Cap and his long term booty call today, but that happened. So you’re going to get over it and answer my questions. Now.” His commanding air suited him well. I hadn’t really seen any side of Tony besides the petulant, pseudo-alcoholic brainiac that was as fickle and narcissistic as they come.

As if the day couldn’t get any worse, my body decided that it rather liked this new, more mature Tony. Sometimes I was convinced one of my superhuman features was the ability to be turned on by almost anything at the drop of a hat.

Clearing his throat, Tony stole my bottle away from me and stoppered it before shifting to face me head-on. “So, answer away, Stormy. And try not to mince words.”

“It was nothing Tony, just a panic attack. You’re not unfamiliar with the concept, or so I’m told. I think it’s being in a new place with actual pressure to perform. Now could you get off my back and let me go back to drinking myself to an early grave, please and thank you.”

Tony didn’t move. He opened his mouth to speak again, but as he did, the building rocked with an explosion that was quickly followed by a roar that shook the building just as hard.

Not a moment later, F.R.I.D.A.Y’s voice crackled over the intercom, alerting everyone in the tower of a Code Green.

“You stay here,” Tony commanded as his nanotech suit quickly spread over his form.

“Nice try, gramps, where you go I’m following.”

Tony tipped back his head and groaned. “At least suit up first. And then meet us down there. We won’t be waiting on you kid.”

He was no sooner flying away and out of sight than the impenetrable glass leading to your own personal balcony was shattered, two masked figures rappelling inside. Immediately, I assumed my battle stance, but it didn’t matter. Two gunshots sounded over my shoulders and red blossomed from the intruders' foreheads, one after the other.

I risked a glance over my shoulder and saw that it was Bucky, again coming to my rescue. I hated it.

Slowly, we approached the bodies, searching their person for any identifying marks or clues.

Bucky pulled a piece of paper from deep in a tactical pocket on the bigger of the two men. He unfurled it, his eyes going wide and glassy, tremors running down his form. He started panting and then screaming endlessly for Steve.

“Buck, Buck where are you?” Steve was calling as he sprinted down the hall to your location. Steve immediately wrapped the soldier in his arms and guided him out of the room. As if in a trance, Bucky dropped the paper and it floated to the ground, writing side up.

There, in deep, gouging scratches was the message I’d been dreading my entire life.

Hail Hydra.

taglist: @laurfangirl424 @peeterparkr @private-bucky-barnes

[ironstrange-is-the-endgame]

Kidnapped

Whumptober, day 7

tw: canon-typical violence, graphic description of violence, blood

The last thing in the world Stephen expected was a phone call from Peter Parker. Not because he didn’t get along with the kid, quite the opposite, but because usually Spider-Man swung in with a happy smile on his face and spoke with Stephen about his day, school, and Aunt May every couple of days, when he was not interning at the Stark Industries.

Since Strange started to date Tony, the kid and his aunt started to be steady presences in his life too. May was more delicate, never stepping boundaries and always showing up with some threat - and even if whatever she cooked was absolutely terrible, Stephen noted that Wong seemed to enjoy it, maybe it was that famous Sorcerers’ diet Stephen’s body didn’t need still, or maybe the very same reason why May didn’t seem so sad the last time Stephen had to leave the Sanctum, not that he cared, though; while Peter was a little hurricane eager to know new things and do it by touching them. Which was the reason why, at the end of the day, a call from him was weird as fuck.

“It’s Stephen,” He answered, instead of the formal ‘Doctor Stephen Strange’, but, again, it was the kid so no need to be formal. “What’s wrong?”

“Mr Doctor, sir,” Peter’s voice has something wrong, though Stephen decided to let him speak before questioning him about that: if he knew the teen week enough, he would explain himself soon. “I was wondering… Doesn’t happen that Mr Stark maybe is at the Sanctum?”

“No, I’ll meet with Tony after your lab session,” It was a weird question, truth to be told, but maybe Peter was in dire of help. ��There’s something I can do for you?”

“It’s just… Happy didn’t hear from him since last night and Friday told me he didn’t come back, so…”

Stephen would have paid for every other answer from him. Even a stupid one about how he would look great in the Cloak and how cool the name Spider Supreme was. Everything was better than those words: “Tony didn’t come back.”

They were together, the previous night. They had a nice dinner and a very, very nice dessert at the Sanctum and them Stephen suggested to portal him to the Tower but Tony insisted to drive. “Did you try to call Nat or Rhodey?”

“Yes, and yes,” Peter’s voice was worried, even more now that he knew Tony wasn’t at Stephen’s. “Mrs Romanoff told me she last saw him yesterday for the afternoon at the meeting, while Colonel Rhodes is on a mission with Captain Danvers. I also called Doctor Banner but…”

“He and Christine are out of the country, I know,” Stephen said, trying to think who he could call. “I could track him but you know…”

Tony still loathed magic. It didn’t matter that he dated a sorcerer, he couldn’t stand the idea of magic and location spells were more invasive than people were willing to admit. Stephen loved Stark too much to do something like that. “What if - I don’t even know.”

Peter was panicking, and Stephen couldn’t blame him. But Tony was a grown man, and he could do whatever he wanted to. “He probably had to go abroad and forgot to tell it to anyone, Pete.”

Stephen didn’t really believe that, though it was better than any other option which crossed his mind.

—

Tony Stark was declared missed one week later, and by now not even Stephen could keep his darkest fears away. At first, it thought that Tony decided he needed a little bit of peace but when he used to do that, he sent something from whatever he was to let them know he was ok. Not that happened frequently since they started to date, but it did after some bad arguments. And, usually, it lasted for a couple of days before Tony texted Stephen to reach him, and the did a lot of make-up sex.

That time was different, Stephen could feel it. And despite hating to voice it, when Wong suggested him to go to the police, Strange took the advice immediately. Actually, the policeman who found himself facing Doctor Strange and a teen telling him Tony Stark went missing looked like someone made him the worst joke ever. It didn’t matter, that wasn’t their only way to look for him they had but was more.

—

Friday went off-line one week and two days after any of them had last seen Tony. Rhodey was the one who awknowdeleged it. He was running through Tony’s last fly paths both with the suit and with his jet when the AI simply stopped to work and any attempt to restart her went in the blue.

Even Shuri tried to re-upload her from remote but there were few things she could do, she said to them.

“Whatever Tony is doing, is bigger than we all thought,” She said, looking almost defeated from her own holographic projection. The problem was that Stephen wasn’t sure there was Tony behind all of this. Whatever it was.

—

The world knew about it three weeks after Stark’s disappearing, when Steve and Bucky rescheduled their wedding. Captain America said that he wasn’t going to getting married until all his family was back, and Tony Stark was part of the said family.

Maybe he hoped that would have brought him back, though Stephen knew better. By now, he was sure that if his boyfriend could go back he would have done that long time ago.

—

The day after they went public with Tony being missing, Peter called him again. By now, there was no news: the kid called him to be updated about Stark or just vent when he needed it, and Stephen was there to help him as far as he could.

“Hey, kiddo,” He answered, trying to sound casual. In the end, he gave up and used magic to track Tony down, with the only conclusion of facing the dread truth: either Tony wasn’t on Earth, or he shielded himself from magic. “How are you?”

“Stephen…” If he didn’t call him ‘Mr Doctor’ or ‘Doctor Dad’ it meant it was serious. “Can you please portal there?”

“Sure, where are you?” Stephen asked he could sense the urgency in Peter’s voice.

“Home, please, hurry up.”

Stephen took his sliding ring and started to open a portal. “Is May all right? Do you need medical assistance?”

“Yes, and no, just… It’s easier if…” The moment Stephen stepped outside from the portal, he found himself facing both the Parkers and he slightly calmed down seeing that May was, indeed, fine. Just very, very pale and visibly shocked. Peter looked the same but he was holding something in his hands apart from his mobile. When he saw him, the boy stood up and hugged the sorcerer. “Stephen… You are here… I… Someone… Mr Stark.”

Stephen caressed Spider-Man’s brown hair looking at him a moment later. “Yes, of course, I’m here, you called me,” He said, receiving a small smile from May. He knew she tried all she could to help Peter with the superhero thing, but she was glad he had Tony in his life for that, and she told him she was glad that Stephen was looking after her boy as well. “What’s wrong?”

“I found this in the daily mails,” May answered. Peter frozen in the hug, and was now holding Stephen’s as if his own life depended on that, the sorcerer didn’t care. He entangled his hand from Peter’s curly hair and took the sheet May was handling at him. It was blank, with just a website printed on it and two words: Tony Stark.

“Did you…?” Stephen asked, and Peter showed him his mobile phone. Thanking a god in which Stephen didn’t believe, the quality of the video was crappy because the man bonded in chains to the chair in the middle of an empty dim lighted room was Tony Stark.

Around him, there were men with dark military gears and dark masks on their faces. One was keeping a gun pressed against Tony’s temple, the other was in front of the genius, asking him something - the video didn’t have audio and they were too far from Stephen to read Tony’s labial while the man’s lips were covered by the mask - and hitting him everytime no answer came from Stark. Stephen’s hands were shaking so violently that he was afraid he would let the phone fall. Though he couldn’t help himself to watch, hoping to find some detail that may suggest him where Tony was.

He had no idea how long it went, but the man with the gun at some point turned to the camera and said something to his companion. By now, Tony was more passed away than conscious. The man with the gun did something because then audio came from Peter’s mobile.

“Doctor Strange, I suppose, or maybe young Peter,” The man said and Stephen shivered. They could see if someone was online. Which meant it was really a live stream. And, somehow, that was good news at least because it meant that Tony was still alive. “We will release Tony Stark once we will have the SHIELD secrets he kept from himself.”

Both Peter and May dumbfounded and Stephen was sure the wear a matching expression. He had no idea about what the man was speaking. He knew of the downfall of the SHIELD, of course, like everyone else, probably, but he couldn’t see why Tony should keep something from himself. Stephen wanted to look at Tony but the man’s silhouette was covering everything else and he wanted just to throw up right there and now. The man didn’t add anything and covered the camera. Stephen looked at Peter and knew he was as pale as the kid.

“Call Nat, she can help us hacking the site and we may know from where they are streaming,” Stephen said tracing runes with the point of his hands on the sheet. Maybe there was a track of it as well.

—

It was Afghanistan all over again, that was what Rhodey told him, looking at the screen of his own StarkPad. With the only difference that back in the day they knew what the kidnappers wanted.

Stephen has always been the best working under pressure but he couldn’t think right now. Not with the image of Tony in front of his eyes even if he wasn’t looking at the screen.

Natasha was trying to track the signal, but whoever those people were, were fairly equipped to protect themselves and the fact that magic couldn’t help was another proof of that.

“They took down Karen too,” Peter said, walking into the room. Nat was speaking with Maria Hill, trying to understand if she knew something about those files. Steve and Bucky were looming in the corner, more men of action, Sam was trying to find some background sound from the video, but without Friday it was all pointless.

“Probably because if Tony can use her to track you, it works both ways,” Rhodey suggested.

Stephen was trying to think about what he could do, though the room was too loud and everything that came in his mind every time he dared to think about Tony was his bloody face. Rhodey closed the video after one of the men kicked the genius on the floor but in Strange’s mind that scene evolved and grew worse.

He almost punched Captain America when Steve approached him.

“We will find Tony,” He said. The two of them had never spoken, not for things which didn’t concern missions or Wanda’s well being in Kamar-Taj, so everything Stephen did was nodding at the man who tried a smile before going back at his fiancé’s side.

—

It took them four days of no-stop searching before some progress had been made. Stephen was physically exhausted and more than once Peter and May tried to force him to sleep until Wong grew annoyed and dared to drug his tea if he didn’t get some rest.

And he was kind of sleeping, or better his body was resting while his astral projection was trying to find Tony’s aura which was still shining in all those wonderful colours - the thing calmed him only slightly: it just meant that Tony was alive -, when Peter’s mask went on and Karen’s voice filled the Compound. Apparently, Ned and Shuri successfully hacked into Spider-Man’s AI and bring her back online.

Stephen didn’t even care to go back in his physical body and all but rushed in the Tower main room. At some point, during one of their numerous brainstorming, Pepper suggested running through Stark Industries employers because the only way someone could hack Friday was being in touch with the AI and Tony kept her running also for the R&D teams. Stephen didn’t lose a second to look at the information which appeared on the screen connected to Karen. He rushed back in his body and opened a portal to the closest location he knew from the man’s address.

Stephen has sworn an oath. That was what he was repeating to himself while he climbed two steps at the time of the building where the suspect lived. He swore not to take lives. He never killed, just once and it was because his own life depended on it, and the sorcerer still felt guilty about that. He sworn not to cause pain in others, he sworn to do everything in his power to protect lives.

He swore those very same things when he became Sorcerer Supreme, though he wasn’t protecting just lives but the entire multiverse. He has sworn those things to Tony too, holding the man between his arms. And he kept swearing that every night Tony woke up after a nightmare.

But he broke those oaths. He choose between lives when he was a surgeon, he harmed nobody but he could have taken more risks, save more people, he broke the laws of nature, back in Hong Kong, and now he let someone take Tony. He wasn’t able to protect him. So, now, all that Stephen Strange wanted was revenge. What he didn’t expect reaching the seventh floor of the building, though, was facing Peter, Rhodey and Clint outside the suspect’s apartment. “What?” He asked.

“I heard Karen’s message too, and she called Peter probably. Nat, Steve and Bucky are on the main entrance, Wanda, Shuri and Bruce on the back,” Clint explained to him, a cocky smile on his face. “We are a team, Doc, we do not avenge by our owns. Now, if you mind, we should knock the door.”

Which meant shooting an explosive arrow without warning, apparently. The point was, Stephen couldn’t think straight or he would have waited for back-ups. According to Karen, whoever the man was, he was a made up identity and he was probably a former Hydra agent went in the dark after Natasha exposure of SHIELD’s files.

How he passed Stark Industries background controls what a mystery, but he most definitely didn’t work on his own.

The apartment was empty and after having checked with the outside teams who reached them inside, it was clear that the man didn’t leave the building after their arrival. “He probably left when they took Tony, but it was worth a shot,” Nat said searching for something between the man’s stuff.

“Wait, that’s Tony’s, isn’t it?” Clint came out from the bedroom with a SarkPhone. “It must be his at least our friend hacked into Tony’s private server.”

Tony’s screensaver was, indeed, a very private picture the genius saved from one of the multiples videos he had Friday recorder. In that one, a six-armed Stephen was stripping Tony off of his clothes holding his hands above his head. None of them was naked, though it was clear how it would have ended. Stephen had no idea that photo even existed and he would have been more flattered in any other occasion.

“We couldn’t track his mobile, which means whatever they are using to shield both tech and magic must be close,” The sorcerer said, taking the mobile from Clint’s hands.

“We can search in the other buildings around there,” Bucky suggested. “Rhodey and Pete can use the thermal view, to shield that is harder.”

They divided again. The area wasn’t so close but, at least, it was smaller than the entire world, or space as he feared at first. Though, what was driving him crazy was that he had seen how Tony had been tortured. They couldn’t fail. If the man went back in the apartment and realized the phone was missing before they found Tony, he was gone, for good.

Searching for Tony’s aura, Stephen could almost say how close he was to his beloved boyfriend. It wasn’t as precise as a location spell or a GPS position but it could work as in he was on the right path. Which was how he found himself rushing the moment Peter’s voice reached him from the roofs: “Doc, six different sources of heat in the building in front of you.”

Too few for being an apartment complex, too many for being a casualty. He nodded. “Get it, alert the others.”

And before Peter could say something, the Cloak lifted him and Stephen was on the building roof.

—

One month, three weeks, four days and ten hours. That had been the last time Stephen had seen Tony. And all that time he had been in New York, in the hands of some psycho former Hydra agent. And Stephen thought the man just wanted to broke up with him and didn’t know how to say it. He had been terribly stupid, and if Tony would have broken up with him after that, he could understand.

But Stephen didn’t care. He only wanted to see the love of his life breathing. That was the only thing that mattered.

One month, three weeks, four days and ten hours. And Stephen was rushing down the stairs, entering from the emergency stair into what looked like an abandoned factory, the Cloak on his shoulders flipping to a nonexistent wind.

Peter told him there were six heat sources inside the building. Five enemies, between him and Tony. He didn’t even care about being silent, at this point, while he rapidly summoned two orange shields shining in the otherwise pitch-black building. The first bullet melted against them, the Cloak was on the man in an eyebeat, dragging him down from his sniper position. Stephen didn’t even stop when he heard the deaf sound of a body against the concrete.

Other two men were on him the moment he walked in the dim-lighted room. It was probably the one from the videos, and Stephen tried not to think about the fact that the floor was bloody red. The sorcerer knocked one of the men out and used his magical ropes to tie the other. His hands were shaking and hurting, but Stephen didn’t care.

One month, three weeks, four days and ten hours. And only two other men between him and Tony. Without thinking about the amount of blood Tony had possibly lost and about the other men who might have reached the building - he doubted that if they were Hydra there were just five agents guarding Tony Stark, it didn’t matter how advanced their technology seemed to be - he followed the bloody footsteps into another room. This was larger, but Stephen didn’t mind to look at it because Tony was there, probably passed out seeing how he was lying on the floor, and no, Stephen refused either to believe or think that he might have been dead, also because it was clear that they wanted him alive.

“Tony,” He said, rushing toward the unresponsive body. He was breathing, though, and that helped Stephen to control his own respiration. “I’m here, I’m here…” He whispered, holding his boyfriend’s body between his arms. He could hear footsteps at his back and he imagined those belonged to the kidnappers who wanted to attack him while he couldn’t protect himself but he didn’t care. He was there, with Tony, and he was alive, the other Avengers were arriving so he just had to protect him, didn’t matter if they try to kill Stephen instead. And then, a red shield rose in front of his eyes and he was sure that it belonged to Wanda.

“We have this under control, Doctor,” Steve said, and Stephen didn’t even notice they entered the building. “Bring him home.”

Stephen didn’t wait for them to have second thoughts and portalled Tony to the Sanctum.

—

Stephen took care of Tony thanks both to his own magic and his studies. He didn’t want anyone to get close to the genius without him being in the room but for Peter and Rhodey and didn’t sleep in the two days Tony slept.

When he woke, Stephen wasn’t in the room, but he could hear the fretted breathing of his boyfriend. It took some minutes for Tony to realize he was safe in the Sanctum and he stopped to shake only when he saw Stephen walking inside the room. “Steph…” He let out, and Stephen’s lips curled in a smile.

“I’m sorry,” Stephen whispered his hands softly on Tony’s face still marked with bruises. “I should have realized before you didn’t run away, I should have…”

“It’s not your fault, babe,” Tony’s voice was weak, raw because of his sore throat. Stephen let a glass of water appeared in his hands, placing it on the duvet between them because he knew Tony hated when people handled things at him. Tony drank without opposing. “I love you.”

“Love you, too,” Stephen pushed softly his lips against Tony’s, and they stayed like this for some minutes before the genius tried to stand up. Only to meet Stephen’s stoniest expression. “You are not going to leave anytime soon, Mr Stark, you are officially my prisoner until you will have rest and all those bruises will have fade.”

And maybe it was too soon to joke about Stephen kidnapping him, but Tony laughed anyways.

[taehyungiestummy]

Return to Paradise -- Chapter One

Masterlist     Next

Warnings: No

Word Count: 2769

         “Are you feeling what I am feeling?” I look over at my best friend.

         Emily smiles at me, “Anxious? Excitement? All of the above? Yes, I am.” She adjusts her backpack, stepping forward as the airport security line moves slightly.

         “Thank goodness,” I smile back, looking to see how much further until we are at the front of the line. “It’s been a while since we have made this long journey.”

         “Almost too long,” Emily taps my shoulder so I look back at her. “Attention span is still short.”

         I roll my hazel eyes and adjust my new, dark blue, thick rimmed glasses. “So much is different though. I’m five foot two now, and I have glasses. My hair has blue on the underneath pieces. Oh, and I grew up,” I smirk, referring to puberty finally making me look like a woman. Well, somewhat like a woman.

         “That is true,” Emily takes half a step forward. “I didn’t grow, so I’m still five foot four. I have purple on the right, just on the top of my hair. And, I grew up a little bit,” her brown eyes sparkle with amusement as she smiles. “You are so dorky.”

         “Thanks,” I giggle. “Are you ready for the long ass plane ride?”

         She chuckles, “I think we forgot to mention our more frequent use of cuss words.”

         “I’m no longer that scared little school girl,” I grin. “I’ll speak my mind, and that includes all the shit.”

         “It makes me so happy to see you like this. All proud of yourself and who you are.”

         “I’m having a good day,” I place my backpack onto the conveyor belt. “I guess I can thank the whole reason of this trip on that.”

         “I’m in a pretty good mood because of that too,” she places her backpack next to mine.

         I step through the metal detector with Emily as close as allowed. Then we are slinging our backpacks back on, and making our way deeper into the airport.

         “I can’t wait to see Nari, again,” Emily points to a sign that shows the direction of our gate.

         “She is overly excited to see us again,” I smile as we turn to get on the right path. “She says it’s been so lonely without us there. She hopes we’ve missed our room.”

         “I have. We left so much in that room. Books, video games, stuffed animals, even clothes.”

         “We left a part of ourselves in that cute Seoul apartment. I can’t wait to read in my bunk, and enjoy rainy days on the balcony.”

         “That does sound lovely,” Emily looks around, trying to catch our gate number. “I can’t wait to take so many pictures of nature, and you. Plus, seven boys that have been dying to see us.”

         “Yeah,” my face heats up in seconds, and I grab onto Emily’s arm. “I hope we can see them right when we get there. I’m sick of phone calls, Skype chats, and text messages. I want to see Tae in real life again.”

         “I’m sick of all the YouTube videos. They uploaded so many, and then there’s the ones from award shows and what not. I want to see them dance in real life.”

         Emily and I let out exasperated breaths.

         It has been nine months since we left South Korea. All those months were spent away from our boyfriends, and our first boyfriends on top of that. It’s been hard, and this day has been a long time coming.

         “I bet everyone will be shocked that we can speak Korean so well now,” Emily smiles as we take a seat near our gate.

         “We worked so hard to learn the language. I hope they are proud,” I lean back into my seat as best I can with my backpack on. “Taehyung is still working on English, and it makes me feel a bit guilty.”

         “How come? I mean, you really shouldn’t, but I don’t have your brain.”

         “He’s done so much for me, too much. He wants to make me so happy, and he started to learn English more so that we could communicate, even if we still needed someone to help us at times.”

         “Well, you learned Korean, so now you can make him happy by speaking to him in his language. As well as the other boys.”

         “That’s true,” I turn my head to look at my best friend. “Gah, what would I do without you?”

         Emily grabs my hand, “Oh Amber, you ask that too much.”

         “I know,” I shrug. “Um, there’s something else that’s been bothering me for quite some weeks, and I need to get it off my chest.”

         “And what is that?” She smiles and looks down at me.

         “Taehyung and I were Skyping, and it got quiet. Nothing weird, we were both tired, as it happens on weekends regardless of time for me. Anyways, in the cutest voice, he told me he loves me,” I feel my breath hitch on the ‘L’ word.

         “Hold on, this happened a few weeks ago, and you didn’t tell me?”

         “School was so hectic, we were so busy, and it seemed like I could just push it away until I had time to deal with it.”

         “Why is it bothering you? He’s so sweet, caring, funny, cute-”

         “I know. I am dating him for a reason. He makes my head spin in happiness, and sets butterflies loose in my stomach.”

         “So, I don’t get why it’s such a big deal he said that he loves you.”

         “Because, I didn’t say it back. I looked into his eyes, and I know he was waiting for it. But, I didn’t say it. Now, I don’t know where we stand. If he regrets saying it, if he thinks I don’t want to be with him anymore. I do though, he’s amazing and I don’t want to lose him.”

         “Well, do you love him?”

         “I…” I bite my tongue, thinking about all I have felt about Taehyung in the time I have known him.

         Taehyung is one of the best things to happen in my life. He knows how to cheer me up, and how to help me through personal problems. The two of us are beyond comfortable around each other, going as far to Skype in clothes that show a lot of skin, but nothing dirty. I’ve seen Taehyung without a shirt countless times. His group members are now my friends, and happy to see Taehyung in a relationship. This time apart has made me realize a lot about the boy that I met in the park so many months ago.

         “Amber,” Emily waves her hand in front of my face. “Earth to alien girl.”

         I giggle, pushing her hand away. “Sorry,” I blink and focus in on her again. “I was just remembering why I like Tae, and, there’s so many reasons why our relationship is working.”

         “That’s good, but it still doesn’t answer my questions.”

         “Oh,” I look away, my cheeks no doubt red as cherries. “Um, yes, I do love him.”

         “Oh, my gosh,” Emily brings me into a hug as best she can. “My best friend is in love,” she sings.

         “Calm down,” I laugh. “It does feel nice to say it out loud. Even if I’m not saying it to him, saying it to you makes it feel a lot more real. Now, I have to wait an undetermined amount of time to tell Tae that.”

         “We should learn to say ‘I love you’ in Korean on the way over. Then you can surprise Taehyung.”

         “Why do you need to learn it?” I take a deep breath, trying to calm the heat on my cheeks.

         “For when I feel that I know I am in love with Namjoon,” she ruffles my hair.

         “Hey,” I laugh, sitting up and fixing my hair. “I have to look good for the plane ride.”

         The two of us burst into giggles, not caring there are so many people nearby.

         “Now boarding, flight to Seoul, South Korea,” a lady over the intercom says.

         “That’s us,” I smile, standing up and getting my boarding pass out. “Ah, it is happening.”

         “Still another twenty minutes or so until we take off,” Emily stands up, boarding pass already in hand. “Better get in line, though.”

         “No rush with already determined seats, and all that good stuff.”

         “Don’t you want to get all settle into your seat?”

         “Eh,” I shrug. “It will still take that same amount of time regardless of when we get on.”

         “Ugh, so much sass,” Emily grabs me arm and pulls me into the line. “So, lucky you are cute.”

         I smile, “I am pretty cute.”

         “Oh, shush up,” she giggles, slinging an arm over my shoulder.

         “I’m actually ready for this plane ride. We haven’t had that much time to talk recently, so this will be good for us.”

         “It will be.”

********

         “There’s something about flying over the ocean that is calming and nerve-wracking all at the same time,” I pull the shade down over my widow. “I don’t think I will ever truly get over my fear of flying, but it is getting better each time we go on trips.”

         “You haven’t cried when getting on a plane for a few years now, so I would say that you are doing pretty good,” Emily smirks.

         “Someone is in a very teasing mood,” I shake my head, looking back to see if the flight attendant is close with the meal.

         “I have to keep you on your toes, so you don’t think too much about what is happening.”

         “Are you going to stick with that defense?”

         “Until I think of something better,” she giggles.

         “Here is your meal, ladies,” the female flight attendant sets what we order on our tray-tables. “Do you need anything else?”

         “No, we’re good,” Emily answer, smiling up at the woman.

         “Enjoy your food then, you two,” she gives a small bow before moving to the row in front of us.

         “I’m sure this will taste fine, but I can’t wait until we are cooking with Nari again,” I move my water to the left side of my tray-table for better access.

         “Making food without her just hasn’t been the same,” Emily opens her bag of chips. “My birthday meal just felt said without others who enjoy Korean food.”

         “Speaking of birthdays, how are we going to celebrate my birthday?” I smile, taking a bite of my sandwich.

         “That’s a good question,” Emily takes a sip of her Sprite. “We could go out to eat, and have cake at the apartment. Open presents, and hang out.”

         “That sounds like a nice way to spend a birthday.”

         “Can’t let you out of my sight, since you could have the sexy times with Taehyungie,” she teases.

         “I will kill you,” I give her a shove. “People can hear you.”

         Emily rolls her eyes. “They don’t care, and probably aren’t paying attention. It’s nothing to get worked up over.”

         “You know I wouldn’t do that,” I pout, shoving chips into my mouth.

         “I know, I was teasing you.”

         I let out a breath, “Sorry. I know that, I’m just tired and want to land already.”

         “Don’t worry about it. We are only halfway through the flight.”

         “Tae is going to be shocked with my glasses,” I go back to my sandwich.

         “You don’t wear them when you Skype?”

         “No, they are so dorky and embarrassing.”

         “They are cute and make you look sophisticated. He’ll love them, as does everyone else you know.”

         “Confidence back up,” I giggle.

         “The boys have grown up a lot in the past nine months, too. They are looking so good, it is unreal. I bet they are so fit.”

         “Tae has a bit of a belly roll, but I can see he has abs forming. It is the cutest, I love it. He says his grandma likes him chubby, so he just keeps eating.”

         “He is too cute for his own good.”

         “I love him because of his silly and outgoing manner. Ugh, I need to be with him again.”

         “I know. It has been too long. I have missed Namjoon way more than I thought I would.”

         “I just want my first damn kiss. Almost seventeen and no one has ever kissed me.”

         “That should go on our list of things to accomplish during this trip.”

         “I will put it on there. Hanging out with the whole group at their dorm. Just being able to talk to everyone without Namjoon’s help will be so nice.”

         “I’ve been dying to interact with them like it should be. No translator needed, but, Namjoon will probably still need to help us.”

         “Yeah, we aren’t perfect yet.”

         “I love that the boys dye their hair crazy colors. I don’t think they have much choice, but certain colors look so good on them.”

         “The piercings, ah, it is too much. Korea knows how to make good looking groups.”

         “I wonder how Nari and Jin are doing,” Emily grabs my trash, and, along with hers, hands it to the flight attendant. “When we left, they had just gone on a date.”

         “Lucky bastards get to see each other whenever they feel like it.”

         “They must be doing good then, yes? Or, don’t you know?”

         “Oh yeah, they are doing good, last time I asked Nari. The boys say that when they are together, it’s overly cute.”

         “Like, I have to leave the room because it is too cute?”

         “I think so, but that makes my heart swell for them. I’m so glad we set Nari up with Jin. He seems great for Nari. They both work so hard, and need someone to relax with.”

         “I agree. Nari probably still can’t believe her boyfriend is in a famous group. I still can’t believe it.”

         “All thanks to Tae making sure I was okay when at the park. That boy has such a big heart,” I smile.

         “Jungkook is starting to look, hm, manly. I guess that’s the word.”

         “I know what you mean. It will be nice to talk to him now, as he is very close to our age. Hopefully he isn’t too shy when around us.”

         “Man, I wish I could drop out of school and join a music group,” Emily giggles.

         “I do wonder how that all works. I don’t think Jungkook dropped out of school. I bet they had to work super hard to get into the group, and give some things up. Jungkook hasn’t graduated, though.”

         “No doubt. It has to be a long process of tests, and to end up in a group is a huge honor.”

         “Then you have to get along with your other members. That has to be stressful. Bangtan are so lucky to have hit it off right away.”

         “Ah, Big Hit, the men who created BTS,” Emily sighs. “It’s a good thing they did that.”

         “Do you think they know about us? Ya know, whoever decides things for the boys. Big Hit is just the big name, ha,” I chuckle. “Anyways, there must be main men who must control some portion of their lives.”

         “I would believe it,” Emily takes in a sharp breath. “Are you going to say what I think?”

         “What if they don’t approve of us?”

         “Making sure the boys are happy has to be on their list, and we make two of the group quite happy.”

         “That could be all and well. Still, we aren’t Korean, and look so, um, western. It wouldn’t be good for their image.”

         “Screw their image. You are in love, and maybe me too. It is their life, and they will date whoever they choose. That, right now, happens to be two girls from America that don’t look anything like Korean locals. Everyone is just going to have to deal with it.”

         “I guess,” I pout.

         Emily turns my face to look at her and we lock eyes. “Nothing like that is going to tear our boyfriends from us. You understand?”

         “I understand,” I am a bit shocked at how serious she is now. “I just want to see them so bad. It is making me go crazy. Thinking of bad scenarios.”

         “You need a nap to calm down. Clear your mind.”

         “I do,” I look away from her and settle into my seat. “That should help.”

         “I think I will take a nap as well.”

         “Then who is going to make sure we don’t miss the landing?”

         She giggles, “You don’t worry about it. I will make sure to wake you up.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I am so excited that this first chapter is out, and I am so excited for you all to get to read this! I’d say each chapter will be about this length. Anyways, hope you enjoyed reading! I’d love to know what you thought! :D

[a-slightcatchoflightning]

January Thirteenth.

It’s been 365 days and it still hurts to think about it sometimes, but I think that’s normal. I was a kid, trapped in an abusive relationship with another person, 4 years older than me. I know you always hear about it on the news or horror stories from parents and teachers - and those boring presentations at school about internet safety, right?

I know it seems so distant and you know how to stay safe online, and you’d never ever give personal information away online, but it can happen and you don’t necessarily know it’s happening until it’s all too late, and then over.

This is my story, 365 days after it all ended:

They approached me around 3 years ago now, and we made friends. They were 18 and I was 13. It felt normal, they were just being friendly and we both liked Casualty.

They’d been on Tumblr for 4 years already, and they’d built up a massive fanbase - it was weird because, at the time, I was in absolute awe of them. They were good at that, making you feel like you were less than them, but I didn’t see it at the time - I was only 13 and it shouldn’t have been my job to protect myself against people like them. Dangerous people.

After a while, they followed me back and I was so excited, it felt like they’d noticed me and I’d earned some sort of special privilege from their recognition when they were such a big name in the fandom.

Around this period, I was vulnerable. I’d had a mental health crisis at age 13, started self-harming and I was diagnosed with anorexia. I’m pretty sure they were aware of my vulnerability, being a young teenager on the internet, with various background issues at the same time.

Once they followed me, they began making conversation with me occasionally, sending me songs and such. I didn’t see it at the time, but my low self-worth let me become trapped in a web as the conversations grew more frequent, and the music more depressing. I think, in hindsight, they knew I was going through a lot, and they played up to that a lot.

Slowly, they became more toxic - little things could make them fly off the handle, like if I had a therapy appointment and forgot to let them know in advance and didn’t talk to them, or lost wifi when out and about. They’d kick off arguments that would last for days and days.

Around this point, I was on a psych ward, and one day got so sick of that treatment, I fought back and said (and I remember exactly) “not everything is about you”.

They didn’t say anything back for a while, and I was almost relieved to just be able to focus on treatment for a bit. My team were pretty sure I was going to die by this point, and I was let out of the ward for one day with my parents, and a supporting charity. My kidneys kept packing up, and I was allowed to pick a place to go, sort of like a “last day” event. I chose a trip to Kew Gardens, because I wanted to see the nature and I knew my parents would be happy there.

Naturally, they decided to poke their nasty head, and started an argument. I spent the entirety of my would-be “last day” arguing with them, and then talking them down when they threatened suicide.

Fast forward a few months, and I made it through and was ready to go home. Honestly, to this day, I have no idea how my body pulled through, but here I am.

Their suicide threats were often as they could pull them off, and in October 2016, they even deleted their blog and blamed me for it, over something silly. We weren’t even dating yet, but they had me where they wanted me, and they could control me in whatever way they wanted.

On December 21st 2017, they asked me to date them. I was 14, and they were 18. I said yes, because I thought they loved me, and they promised me a million times that they “weren’t like other adults”, and that the age gap was unimportant because they loved me, and it didn’t mean anything. We first met on December 16th, just over a week before, and it had been exhilarating, being treated like that by somebody for the first time; we’d hung out all day and had a lot of fun, and even filmed ourselves and uploaded it online.

Things progressed throughout the whole of 2017, and bad things happened - things I won’t mention here, because I’m sure they aren’t the sorts of things people want to hear about online. The suicide threats, and responsibility for their breakdowns continued and continued, and while I continued to recover from the anorexia (until I was discharged in September 2017 woop!!), my anxiety grew.

I’d never ever been one to use my phone in school because they were banned, but it got to the point of having to be in contact with them 24/7, that they told me (told, not asked), to talk to them while I was at school. I was emotionally forced into being on my phone under the desk at school when we were meant to be working, and it was exhausting. By this point, I was 15 and sitting my GCSE’s a year early, and not even able to concentrate in class. I was literally responsible for keeping someone 5 years older than me alive, every moment of the day.

Once my GCSE’s were finished, I fell into a huge depressive episode that spanned the whole summer, and relapsed into ED behaviours a couple of times. It didn’t help that my partner starved themself so they could look like me (part of the reason), and I felt I always had to compare my weight to theirs because they constantly brought it up. We hung out at least once a month, and they’d make a point of not eating anything, making it emotionally impossible for me to eat anything, all the while constantly talking about how rubbish their mental health was etc etc.

When I started at sixth form, it was taking too much of a toll on me and a close friend (I won’t name) could see the relationship was wrong. They were 19 and I was 15, and exhausted. They would make me stay awake until 3am every morning, and force me to write stories pretty much every day through blackmail, and suicide threats, just so that I wouldn’t succeed with my A-levels. They were terrified of me going to university to become a doctor, because they knew I’d have to separate off from them, so they put everything in my way that they could manage.

In October 2017, they pulled what I thought was the final straw, calling me a girl, and I flipped out, spending my leave from work at my friend’s house instead of theirs to make them see what they did wrong.

They ended up making me apologise, with their emotional vice screwed tight around me, and I ended up staying over at theirs about a week later.

Things continued to go downhill from there, with them making every day a living hell with the emotional abuse left right and centre. On December 9th 2017, I broke up with them, and they called me repeatedly, every minute of every day pretty much, so my phone kept going off while on silent at college.

After four days, I got back together with them. They made me feel so embarrassed to have conceded to their abuse again that I couldn’t bring myself to tell my closest friend until December 16th, when coincidentally I was at his house with them.

Some bad things happened that weekend that I won’t detail, but after that, I fell apart.

I ignored them on and off for weeks, barely speaking to anyone truth be told, until the new year.

Once I was then back at school, it got to January 13th 2018. 365 days ago.

I was on skype to my friend, talking about how I had to wipe them out of my life by the time the February mocks came around, because I had a goal (and still do!!), and was never going to reach it with them dragging me down constantly.

I’d grown a lot since 2016, and realised that what he’d been saying all along was true, and it was wrong for a 15 year old and 19 year old to be together.

That night, I sent them a message, breaking up with them and then blocked them on every social media site I could. Since then, the police have been involved and we haven’t spoken.

I implore you, if you’ve read this, and feel you might be in a similar situation, please heed my advice. I know it can feel impossible to escape, and I know whoever it is you might be thinking of might be loving, or it could seem scary to break up with them. What if they follow through with threats? Or they find you? Or they do something bad because of you?

I promise you, the threats are all empty. And believe me, there is someone on this planet who will not only help you get through it, but who will want to help you. Heck, let it be me, I want to help you.

If you’re going through the same thing, or something similar, please speak to a teacher, or a parent/carer, or anyone you think might be able to help you. There are childline-related services in every country who can help you.

Please, if this resonates with a personal experience of yours, don’t let it get to the stage it did for me.

And if you’re an adult reading this, please for the love of god, save the kids and signal boost this.

Ollie.

[sharingshane-blog]

BPD in Doctor Who

Trigger Warnings: Depression, Anxiety, Suicide, Abuse, Self-Harm, Mentions of Physical Assault and Rape

When I was 17, almost a senior in high school, I watched my first episode of Doctor Who.  I started with Christopher Eccleston and worked my way through.  It took me only a couple of episodes before I was hooked. I became obsessed with the series, and many of the characters, particularly the ones from the Russel T. Davies era, because I felt like I could emotionally connect with them.  I understood them.  Rose Tyler really grew on me.  She was supposed to be around my age at the time, and we both lived at our parents’ home feeling overall empty and worthless.  

At that age, my anxiety and depression were particularly bad. Someone who was mentor and major influence in my life had committed suicide.  Not long after, my grandfather whom I would see all the time passed away. I was already wallowing in major levels of grief and loss.  I had also just gotten permission to skip eleventh grade and graduate a year early from high school.  With that, I had to work last minute to get myself together, so I could apply to colleges and universities.  My parents had a history of neglecting my needs frequently and one of the ways they did was helping me prepare for college.  They refused to help me research or check out schools.  They would not take me on visits because it was too much of a “financial burden” on them.  They also refused to teach me how to drive or help me much at all for the next step ahead.  I felt extremely lonely and I felt very abandoned.  My parents have a history of physical and emotional abuse towards me, but I did not come to terms with that until I was in college, eventually developing PTSD.  

Feelings of abandonment and isolation became chronic and debilitating for me.  There were many emotions I would bottle up until I could not take it anymore.  I felt like a geyser.  As the emotions bubbled and heated more, the pressure in the chamber underground increased until there was a burst of boiling hot water—a crisis or outburst of anger.  I had trouble maintaining consistent relationships with people which only added to the loneliness.  People came and went, and I never expected them to stay.  I felt too worthless to think they would care about me.  I had recurrent suicidal ideation.  For a long time, the way I would keep myself alive would to just tell myself every night that I will just kill myself the next day. I refused to go to therapy until well into college.  This had to do in part that I did not know how to express my emotions, and it also had to do in pat because of trauma.  My mom forced me against my will (on my 16th birthday) to see her therapist and basically admit how horrible of a child I have been.  After my grandfather’s death, I did attempt to see a counselor, but it was a religious counselor who told me that I did not need counseling and that I just needed to focus on my faith in God.  It was not until I was 19, well after beginning college, where I decided to actually pursue therapy.  I had many unstable friendships at college.  I was with my abusive ex-boyfriend.  My already unhealthy relationship with my parents became worse.  The tipping point was when I was in the car with my dad one day, and he tried to hit me. I jumped out of the car before he could do anything to me.  He drove off leaving me on the side of the rode in tears.  It was not long after that experience that I filled out the paperwork to start counseling.  I eventually got a therapist outside of the college campus.  After almost attempting suicide, I was hospitalized for a week at a psychiatric facility.  It was there where the psychiatrist inquired me about a condition called borderline personality disorder.

Here are the symptoms or signs of the disorder:

-Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned

-A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)

-Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self

-Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating

-Self-harming behavior, such as cutting or burning

-Recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats

-Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days

-Chronic feelings of emptiness

-Intense anger or problems controlling anger

-Difficulty trusting and possessing a fear of other people’s intentions

-Feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from oneself or seeing oneself from outside one’s body

Not everyone with the disorder experiences all these symptoms. The symptoms also come in varying degrees.  No two people with the disorder is completely alike, although they tend to understand each other.  After I received the diagnosis, I felt that my life made a little more sense.  I began to understand myself better.  I have been in treatment for a long time and have made many improvements.  During this whole journey though, I learned something else, one of the reasons why I became so obsessed with Doctor Who.  I mean who doesn’t want to fly away from their boring lives to explore all throughout time and space with a mad man (or woman) with a box?  I have not seen the episodes with Jodie Whittaker so no spoilers! You may cause a paradox and destroy all of reality if you tell me anything.  It’s my future.  It was more than a form of escapism or a way of leaving my miserable life.  I realized that the Doctor’s character really resonates with me on a more personal level.  Now I am specifically referring to the New Who episodes.  I haven’t watched enough of Old Who to make adequate judgments of the character during those episodes.  The Doctor in New Who exemplifies many of the characteristics associated with borderline personality disorder.  I am no psychologist or psychiatrist, but for me, I feel like that this was one of the main reasons I fell in love with the Doctor.  He (or she) is the star of the show, the hero, the person everyone loves aside from say the Daleks, the Cybermen, the Slitheen, the Weeping Angels, the Zygons, the Silurians, and well, okay not everyone.  But in other shows, people with the disorder or exhibits multiple aspects of the disorder are usually portrayed as antagonists and creeps.  

The Doctor continuously goes out of his (or her) way to try and avoid losing people.  It causes him a lot of pain when he loses his closest friends.  Sometimes he will push his closest friends away, even for years at a time, because he’s afraid he’d never see them again. Sometimes he’d isolate himself from making new friends for fear of them falling apart.  We see this with the tenth Doctor at the end of his tenure.  He refused to take on new companions.  He was also reluctant to take on Martha as an official companion after losing Rose. But as you know, things did get “escalated.”  The eleventh Doctor set up Amy and Rory with a house on earth so he could come back to them whenever for hundreds of years because he knew that humans could not live near as long as him and he couldn’t bear to see his closest friends die.  He uploaded River Song as a computer program in the biggest library in the universe so he could always come back to her.  After losing Amy and Rory, he isolated himself from most of others except from a select few refusing to make other friends for fear of the inevitable loss.  Like Martha, he was reluctant at first to take on Clara as a companion.   On the whole though, the Doctor is fairly quick in choosing is companions, almost like Jesus choosing his disciples.  The Doctor becomes close pretty quickly and has people by his side while traveling in the TARDIS (time and relative dimension in space).  However, he is also quick to cut communication in order to “save” his friends or most often himself from impending grief.  He tricked Rose and Clara to have the TARDIS take them home while he faced a life or death scenario.  When Clara came back to the Doctor 300 years later in his future, he admitted that the reason he sent her away was because he would have buried her a long time ago.  It seemed to be more for his sake than hers.  She didn’t want to be sent home, and she was willing to face every danger he faced.  For those who struggle with BPD, the fear of loss and abandonment is quite prominent. Similarly, to the Doctor, I would frequently be quick to make very close friends.  I often idealized them and think they are basically perfect. “And she is perfect,” the Doctor says about Clara Oswald.  “You are the most important woman in the whole universe,” he says to Donna.  At the same time, I was also just as quick to push people away.  I’ve sometimes seemed to ghost people, hide things from them, push them away from my problems, refuse help when I desperately needed it.  I was too afraid I’d hurt them or overwhelm them to the point that I’d lose them.  I become a roller coaster ride to be friends with.  I constantly felt the need to protect people from myself and try to save myself from impending grief which hurts so bad that it makes me sick.  

Like the Doctor, I also felt persistent emptiness and loneliness. I felt like no one really understood me.  Even though I usually had close friends nearby, they also seemed temporary. Give another year and it will be a whole new group of friends.  I am very blessed that I’ve been able to maintain a strong relationship with my best friend for almost five years.  I’ve not had a romantic relationship last even a year.  Alongside the loneliness came emptiness.  For the most part, I felt like my life was pretty meaningless and boring.  I felt like I constantly had to be doing something in order to fill the gap.  The Doctor gets like this too.  When he stuck around in Amy and Rory’s home for a couple of days, he got anxious.  He rarely sticks around for tea after saving the day.  He has to constantly be doing something, or he just feels bored or pointless. This causes anxiety or depression. The tenth doctor, after trapping himself in the 18th century with Madame de Pompedour to save her from impending doom, looked sorrowfully into the night sky because of losing access to his TARDIS.  Like him, I usually can’t handle monotony.  I get anxiety and depression really fast.  

Impulsivity is another common trait between me and the Doctor. This can look different for each person who struggles with BPD.  Many do struggle with alcohol or drug addictions but not all.  I do not, but my impulsivity comes out in other ways.  It actually is similar to how the doctor is impulsive.  I am very quick to putting myself in compromising or dangerous situations. Personally, I cannot actually go into much detail on this issue for my safety and the safety of others around me. As a result of impulsive decisions I’ve made, I have gotten assaulted or raped.  Now these crimes are ultimately not my fault, and do not advocate victim blaming.  People should just have the common decency to know that those things are wrong. Unfortunately, that’s not the world we live in.  I was almost physically assaulted after outing myself as transgender.  I learned quickly the dangers of being trans in society. I’ve stretched myself thin for the sake of others without taking the time to analyze how much I can handle.  The Doctor is very similar in this regard.  Over and over, he’ll walk passed “keep out” signs.  For him, they are like “dry clean only.”  He’s one of those people who usually takes action before thinking.  Although sometimes we find out that he has actually put more thought into something than we, the audience, assumed he had.  Still, a lot of times the plan is to run towards the danger, see what happens, then come up with another plan.  When he hears a scream, he runs towards it.  When a sketchy guy is offering jobs at Hooverville in 1930, he was the first to volunteer.  Despite his intelligence and cleverness to get out of dangerous situations, he usually just as quick into them.  The results have even blown up the entire universe.  

Both the Doctor and I also seem to have struggled with a personal sense of identity.  This also can result in intense mood swings.  Sometimes I have feelings of euphoria, a heightened feeling of myself.  I can be the life of the party or on top of the world. I can become hypomanic (BPD and bipolar disorder often mimic each other).  Other times I am the complete opposite.  I think I’m the most awful, pitiful thing that creation gave birth to. I will self-harm or have suicide ideations.  I’m afraid that I am an abuser just like my parents, that I just hurt people, or that I constantly let other people down.  This sometimes spawns feelings of isolation.  Sometimes my emotions swing between extremes within a day.  The Doctor seems similarly to reflect these traits. For most of New Who, he is haunted about destroying Gallifrey in order to end the Time War.  Was he a genocidal maniac or a hero who ended a war that would have destroyed all of reality?  Is he any better than a Dalek who belongs to a race of ethnic cleansers.  Even after the 50th anniversary episode, the twelfth Doctor feels the need to ask Clara whether he is a good man. People with BPD tend to have a difficult time knowing themselves outside of how others perceive them.  They constantly rely on others to tell them how they are more than trying to take the time to analyze personal actions and intentions. We usually think our intentions are just excuses for the horrible things we’ve done.  The Doctor kept telling himself that he was trying to end the most deadly war in all of history when making the decision to eradicate his own species, but he wondered afterwards whether it was just an excuse to be the monster he truly was.  It wasn’t like he had a super friendly relationship with the Time Lords (although he was also half human first suggested in the 1996 movie and confirmed with the twelfth Doctor).  He constantly wrestled with the prospect that maybe he took on companions in order to use them rather than actually befriend them.  Davros visibly gets under the Doctor’s skin when he suggests that the Doctor takes “ordinary people and fashions them into weapons.”  We have the episode with the Dream Lord, a suggested personification of the negative aspects of his character.  There is a very dark portion of the Doctor which makes him such a complex character to fully understand.  Still, generally, we most often see him as a hero.  We are more gracious towards his decision to destroy Gallifrey to end the Time War than he is to himself.  I struggle to understand myself.  I generally have persistent feelings of shame that if the dark side of me comes out, then people will leave me.  It’s something I try to control.

Building off the last point, the Doctor is prone to anger quickly coming to that emotion.  “The fury of the Time Lord” is explored throughout the series.  It’s related to the question as to whether he is a good person or not.  This is one area I have seen significant improvements in.  It is okay to angry, but sometimes my anger was ineffective in achieving my goals.  I am not as quick to anger as I used to be.  I think a part of it is that I don’t live with my parents anymore.  I still have much room for improvements.

The Doctor’s fears of abandonment and loneliness has given away to trust issues.  Too many people have betrayed him.  We never learn his actual name throughout the series.  He doesn’t trust anyone with it.  He keeps a lot of himself a secret.  He will refrain from being vulnerable around others including his companions.  He’ll always say that he’s fine, that he is always fine.  This is the classic thing that someone battling mental illness says to cover up their emotions from others.  It is something that I have said in times of distress many times because I am afraid that people will judge me or betray me or leave me.  River Song tells him to trust her.  She whispers his real name in his ear to prove to him that she is worthy of trust.  Even then, he has his reservations.  When learning River was a prisoner for killing man and she doesn’t reveal who, he questions her and why future self would trust her.  There is always constant questioning of other people’s motives and intentions.  When Rose saves her dad’s life altering a fixed point in time, the Doctor is quick to accuse her of selfishness, that she only wanted onto the TARDIS to save her dad, that she was only using the Doctor.  Though Rose’s decision was impulsive and unwise to say the least, the audience isn’t as quick to accuse her of that.  We get the sense that she had a genuine care for the Doctor and actually wanted to travel in the TARDIS for the purpose of exploration.   As we millennials like to say, I feels.

Thoughts of suicide and self-harm or disassociation are not attributes that we can necessarily observe or be able to observe in the Doctor.  We do know that he does tend to view his life as less important as others.  He’s hinted that death may be a gift for someone who lives so long.  He is quick to sacrifice himself.  He gets angry at River when she tries to save him and tell him that the universe doesn’t want him to die.  He’s willing to neglect his life for the sake of others.  When he tried to destroy Gallifrey, he didn’t expect or want to live.  The ninth Doctor explained it wasn’t his choice.  The Doctor seems to be depressed that he didn’t die after ending the Time War, that his guilt is unbearable at times.  I don’t think I can delve much further on this particular aspect of his character to be honest.  

I have thought about this for a long time as you probably can tell.  I am still in love with the Doctor and it is one the view shows that I garner pleasure from when I am severely depressed.  It can distract me from my sometimes very intense and unbearable emotions. I believe this in large part due to how much I relate to the Doctor, that maybe I may not be an absolute monster.  Maybe, I’m not that bad of a person.  Maybe I’m someone that can be loved just like the Doctor. Maybe I am just as interesting and unique.  Maybe at times I can be the hero and not the villain that I always view myself to be. I continue to love the series and I can not wait to see Jodie Whittaker’s depiction of the character when I am able to get access to the episodes.  I am sad to say goodbye to Capaldi, but the story always continues.