#but then a whole Neanderthal body...

[elizabethan-memes]

In case you're wondering how I'm doing, I'm currently having an identity crisis. I saw a reconstruction of a Neanderthal man at the museum and he held himself with such confidence and poise.... and I realised I found him attractive. And yes, he was buff. But then so was Mr Homo Sapiens. And I preferred Mr Neanderthal.

[probablyasocialecologist]

There is a growing body of physiological, anatomical, ethnographic, and archaeological evidence to suggest that not only did women hunt in our evolutionary past, but they may well have been better suited for such an endurance-dependent activity. We are both biological anthropologists. I (co-author Cara) specialize in the physiology of humans who live in extreme conditions, using my research to reconstruct how our ancestors may have adapted to different climates. And I (co-author Sarah) study Neanderthal and early modern human health. I also excavate at their archaeological sites. It’s not uncommon for scientists like us—who attempt to include the contributions of all individuals, regardless of sex and gender, in reconstructions of our evolutionary past—to be accused of rewriting the past to fulfill a politically correct, woke agenda. The actual evidence speaks for itself, though: Gendered labor roles did not exist in the Paleolithic era, which lasted from 3.3 million years ago until 12,000 years ago. The story is written in human bodies, now and in the past.

[...]

Our Neanderthal cousins, a group of humans who lived across Western and Central Eurasia approximately 250,000 to 40,000 years ago, formed small, highly nomadic bands. Fossil evidence shows females and males experienced the same bony traumas across their bodies—a signature of a hard life hunting deer, aurochs, and woolly mammoths. Tooth wear that results from using the front teeth as a third hand, likely in tasks like tanning hides, is equally evident across females and males. This nongendered picture should not be surprising when you imagine small-group living. Everyone needs to contribute to the tasks necessary for group survival—chiefly, producing food and shelter, and raising children. Individual mothers are not solely responsible for their children; in forager communities, the whole group contributes to child care. You might imagine this unified labor strategy then changed in early modern humans, but archaeological and anatomical evidence shows it did not. Upper Paleolithic modern humans leaving Africa and entering Europe and Asia show very few sexed differences in trauma and repetitive motion wear. One difference is more evidence of “thrower’s elbow” in males than females, though some females shared these pathologies. And this was also the time when people were innovating with hunting technologies like atlatls (spear throwers), fishing hooks and nets, and bow and arrows—alleviating some of the wear and tear hunting would take on their bodies. A recent archaeological experiment found that using atlatls decreased sex differences in the speed of spears thrown by contemporary men and women. Even in death, there are no sexed differences in how Neanderthals or modern humans buried their dead or the goods affiliated with their graves. These indicators of differential gendered social status do not arrive until agriculture, with its stratified economic system and monopolizable resources. All this evidence suggests Paleolithic women and men did not occupy differing roles or social realms.

[juniperskye]

Chewing Gum

Summary: Eddie gets gum in his hair, so Steve takes him to his favorite salon to get it out. The events of season 4 did not happen.

Eddie Munson x Hair Stylist (Fem)Reader (she’s kind of sunshiny emo lol also she’s described to have colored hair, tattoos, and piercings)

Fluff

Word count: 1474

Warnings: My blog is 18+, minors DNI, no use of y/n, language!, Jason Carver being an ass, half assed salon info, let me know if I missed any!

not edited - please be kind. Requests are open and feedback is welcome if it's constructive!

I do not consent to having my work translated or reposted to any other site. That being said I do not own the characters portrayed in this story.

Jason Carver is a dick. He treated Eddie and the boys like shit and went out of his way to make sure they knew they were “freaks”.

Eddie saw Chrissy get bumped by one of the other basketball players. They were messing around in the halls like a bunch of Neanderthals and Chrissy got struck in the crossfire. She was body checked into a locker and her books went flying.

“Here.” Eddie offered Chrissy her science book that had slid across the hall.

“Thanks Eddie.” Chrissy smiled.

Eddie nodded back to her and moved toward his homeroom, but not before Jason stormed over, purposely bumping Eddie in the process.

“Let’s go babe.” Jason said, pulling Chrissy along with him.

This had been a pretty tame reaction from Jason…or so Eddie thought. Eddie made it through homeroom and history no problem, it was when he got to lunch that all hell broke loose.

“Woahhh dude! You have gum in your hair.” Garreth said to Eddie.

“HA HA very funny Garreth.” Eddie rolled his eyes.

“Oh shit! Ed, man he’s not joking.” Dustin informed the older boy.

With that, Eddie reached to the back of his head and brushed his hand over his hair. As he shifted from the top of his head down towards the nape of his neck, he felt the sticky wad of chewing gum, causing his curls to tangle up.

Laughter erupted across the cafeteria, as Eddie’s gaze shifted to the disruption his eyes met Jason’s who shot him a smirk and a wink. Further proving Eddie’s theory that the asshole that was Jason Carver had, in fact, been the culprit of this incident.

“Eddie, I could call Steve, his hair guy could probably fix you right up.” Dustin offered.

“Hell no. The last thing I want to do is get help from Steve.” Eddie scoffed.

“We could just cut it out.” Mike shrugged.

“Fuck it. Call Steve.” Eddie conceded.

Dustin and Eddie made their way to the school’s payphone. Dustin was quick to dial the number and explain the whole situation to Steve once he picked up. Steve had offered to take Eddie to his hair guy, but only if Eddie asked nicely and said please…which he reluctantly choked out over the phone.

“I’ll come pick you up.” Steve told Eddie, before hanging up.

Fifteen minutes later, Steve pulled up to the school in his burgundy BMW, yelling at Eddie to “hop in”. The drive started off in an uncomfortable silence. This was the first time Eddie had hung out with Steve alone, not that they were hanging out.

“So, listen Eddie, nobody, and I mean NOBODY, knows that this is where I get my hair done and honestly I’d like to keep it that way.” Steve explained.

“Okay…you’re freaking me out. Where is this place?” Eddie said as he looked around the unfamiliar neighborhood.

“Just up here on the left.” Steve said, pulling up in front of a hair salon.

Eddie initially felt confused, he figured that Steve would go to a barber, like any other guy from school, but this actually made a lot of sense. Steve cared about his hair the way any girl would and he’s very particular about it so naturally he would go somewhere that would take better care of his hair.

As they made their way up the curb, Eddie was able to get a better look of the inside. It was painted mostly black but there were bright pops of hot pink and teal around the place. There were pink velvet couches and those smiley face daisy pillows strewn about them. There was only one employee in the place, and she was currently blow drying some girl’s hair.

Eddie’s eyes scanned the hair stylist, you were beautiful you had pink streaks in your hair, dark tattoos littering your arms and a nose ring. You took Eddie’s breath away.

“Steven Harrington you better not be back here to ask me to cut your hair shorter. You made me take so much off last time and I still haven’t gotten over it!” You shrieked.

“Would you relax! I’m not here for a haircut, I’m here with my uh, my friend.” Steve said, glancing over at Eddie.

“Hi Steve’s friend! Oh, my goodness your hair is beautiful! Please don’t tell me you want me to cut it off!”

Your theatrics were making Eddie’s heart sing. The compliment had him blushing.

“God no! I don’t want to cut my hair, that’s actually why I’m here.” Eddie exclaimed.

“He got gum stuck in his hair.” Steve replied waving him off.

“I didn’t get shit stuck in my hair. That asshole Jason Carver spit gum in my hair.” Eddie explained.

“Ugh the Carver boys are all terrors. I remember being a sophomore when Michael Carver was a senior and if he wasn’t the biggest douche bag, then I don’t know who was.” You said, shaking your head. You shifted your gaze over to where Eddie and Steve were sitting. “Wait a minute! I know you, Eddie Munson, we had freshman English together!” You said, reintroducing yourself to him.

“I knew you looked familiar!” Eddie smiled.

You told him that you’d be with him in just a minute, you wanted to get your client finished up and checked out. He watched in awe as you effortlessly sectioned and styled her hair, led her over to the register and cleaned your station quickly. He noticed you gathering a few things, which he could only assume would be for him.

“Okay come over and sit!” You gestured to your chair. As Eddie made himself comfortable you began explaining what you were going to do. “So, I am basically going to load your hair up with oil which should allow the gum to slide out. I will wash your hair after too, so you don’t leave here looking like a greasy mess. I have a reputation to uphold!”

“Okay, thanks.” Eddie said, pushing his bangs out of his eyes.

“If you want I can trim your hair too, just clean it up, make it so your bangs aren’t in your eyes so much.” You offered.

“Oh um, that would be great but I uh, I don’t have any…”

“It’s on the house Eddie. Just a favor for a friend.” You said quietly.

Eddie nodded slightly and you got to work, slipping on some gloves, and pouring the hair oil into your hands. You started working it into his hair, really targeting the areas around the chewing gum. Slowly but surely the gum started to untangle itself from Eddie’s chocolate tresses. Once the gum was completely out, you led Eddie over to the shampoo bowl and proceeded to wash his hair. You couldn’t help but smile down at the soft expression he wore on his face. His eyes had fluttered shut and you thought he truly could have been asleep the way his face was relaxed. After washing, conditioning and finally rinsing his hair, you gently grasped his shoulder.

“Eddie, you ready for me to cut your hair?”

“Huh? Oh yeah.” Eddie said, carefully getting up and heading back to your chair.

Eddie sat and you and him chatted back and forth as you trimmed his hair. You had made sure to communicate through every part of the process, which products you were using and why, the way you were cutting his hair and adding in some natural layering to help with the bulk, trimming his bangs a little shorter than he was used to so they wouldn’t be too long so quickly. You pulled out the hair dryer and attached the diffuser, explaining what it did to Eddie and letting him know that blow drying definitely isn’t necessary for him to do.

Steve couldn’t help the shit-eating grin that plastered its way on his face at the interaction playing out before him. He had never seen Eddie sit still this long or listen this intently to anyone. Steve couldn’t help but think that Eddie had better thank him for bringing him here.

“Alright Eddie you are all set.”

“Thank you so much, seriously! I really appreciate it and I don’t think my hair has ever looked or felt this good.” Eddie said, admiring your handywork.

“Of course! And by the way if you ever get gum in your hair again, peanut butter or cooking oil can get it out, it just takes a bit of work.” You explained. “But know that you can always come here, and I can help too!” You couldn’t help but mentally facepalm.

“Yeah. That sounds good! You know, I would need your number…you know to get a hold of you..” Eddie smirked.

He couldn’t help but feel a strange sense of thanks toward Jason Carver…he had brought you into his life, all with a piece of chewing gum.

[livums]

Liv’s {Totally Optional Non-Mandatory Completely Voluntary} Pointers for Fleshing Out Character Relationships

Hi I’m liv e. and by middling demand I am going to blab a liiittle* bit about relationships.

So I will start by saying that I’m trained & licensed as a marriage and family therapist. So this is kind of what I do all fucking week. And I like this whole writeblr thing so why not make it fun and about fiction instead. LOL.

The purpose of this liiiiittle** post is to offer some ways in which you, a writer (great job btw!), might deepen your own understanding of the relationships between two or more characters in your writing. More specifically, by thinking a little deeper about how relationships function in real life.

These are ways in which I might conceptualize a relationship between people who seek my services as a clinician.

A small disclaimer: the VAST majority of my work is with couples (because I. prefer to see couples over families, lol), so this advice is coming from that perspective. Please keep in mind also that there are certainly infinite other ways to think about relationships. This is just the way I was trained. Or at least, the parts of my training that resonated with me the most, especially as I began writing more seriously.

My hope is that reading and practicing/toying around with these tips will help add another dimension to how relationships play out in your writing. So um. Cheers! Let’s chat.

*it’s not a little. it’s a lot.

**it’s a long post.

i. What I Say vs. What I Mean

When was the last time your partner or good friend pissed you off?

Maybe they were flippant about your feelings. Maybe they blew you off to hang out with someone else. Maybe they keep loading the dishwasher like a neanderthal.

And did you say to them, “Baby/honey/sweetums/bestie, it really upsets me when you load the dishwasher like that. I’ve asked you to do it X way several times, and it feels like you’re not listening to me, or that you don’t care about how I feel” ?

Probably not? Because, hello? (If you did, first try, then, wow! you’re a better person than i’ll ever be.)

You might’ve said “Dude, stop cramming shit in the dishwasher like it’s a fucking suitcase,” or “Haha, wow, again with the dishwasher. Awesome. No, it’s like, whatever.“ Or you might not’ve said anything at all, on purpose.

There is a tension that exists, there, in the CONTRAST between what we are thinking/feeling/meaning (e.g., I love you/I miss you/You hurt me) and what we are communicating via our words and actions (e.g., You never make time for me/You’re so lazy/You’re such a(n) [expletive of choice]).

That tension is ... really fucking interesting to read, huh!

Personally, I have a lot of fun watching the needs/wants/feelings of a character (that we might be privy to, as readers) get filtered through their unique... voice.

So say you write a character who is quite rough around the edges, and not very skilled in affection. They have a deep yearning to be close to [love interest], but they just aren’t accustomed to languaging their true feelings. Maybe we see how scared they are of putting their feelings out there. It’s vulnerable. It’s terrifying.

So instead of “I really care about you, [love interest]”, maybe it comes out something more like “Don’t you have anything better to do with your time than follow me around all fucking day?”

And we, the readers, are like, wow! That’s not what you were thinking at all man! You’re so bad at this, that’s awesome.

So the point of all this is that it’s very helpful to clarify for yourself, in any meaningful interaction between characters in or soon-to-be-in a relationship:

What are the characters individually thinking during this interaction? What are the emotions that are present? How does it show in their body or their movements? Are they careful not to let these things show, or do they not notice at all?

How are they expecting this interaction to go? (Are they afraid something might go wrong? Are they looking for a certain reaction from each other?)

What DON’T they know about what the other person is thinking? What are their assumptions about how the other person perceives them--in general, and in this moment?

What is the GAP or the CONTRAST between all of the above and what actually ends up coming out of their mouth? Or what actions they end up physically taking (or not taking)?

Are the characters aware of their own contrast, here? How do they feel about it? Or, do they think they are being perfectly congruent?

In this way, you have the ability, as a writer, to create some devastatingly (or delightfully) poignant moments between characters. These are the moments that can really sell the reader on the relationship--its importance (why are you showing us this?) and its appeal (thank you for showing us this, this blew our tits off, etc).

ii. Tender Spots and How to Attack Them for Fun and Profit

So we’ve got issues.

What are the things that really fuckin get at you? Those topics that, when brought up, make you really upset and really defensive at like, mach speed. Maybe you’re insecure about your skills. Maybe it really bothers you when people see you as weak/unintelligent/a burden/unattractive. Maybe you have a rough and complicated relationship with a family member.

So these can be thought of as, like, tender spots (lol). You can also think of them as “raw” spots, sensitive spots, or triggers.

Figure out what your characters’ are!

This is another key way in which you can create deep and believable interpersonal drama--Character A (accidentally or intentionally) stomps all over Character B’s sensitive spots. So to speak.

A very cursory and relatively uncomplicated example of this in action:

Tasha and Mimi are two adults in a committed partnership.

Mimi’s got a real fucking chip on her shoulder about being seen as a burden--her father always went to great lengths to make sure she knew just how much he did for her, just how many opportunities he passed up in order to raise her, just how great his life would have been if she’d never been born.

Tasha is the oldest of five siblings. She was frequently tasked with their care, growing up. She did her best not to complain, as her parents were always very busy working to keep a roof over their head. So, Tasha did her part. She would’ve loved to rest and play and goof off like other kids and teens, sure, but it never felt possible with all of her responsibilities.

Mimi is suddenly injured and is unable to do certain things on her own that she had been doing before. Tasha goes about taking care of these things as well as taking on certain other tasks on her own that the pair of them may have tackled as a team before. Tasha feels stretched very thin by the workload, but is deeply concerned about how Mimi feels. There’s nothing to be done about the situation, she reasons, so there’s no point in complaining about how stressed out she is.

Mimi offers to help to the best of her ability, but Tasha is very concerned about her, and insists that Mimi rest and not exert herself. Mimi insists back. Tasha insists back back.

Mimi points out how stressed Tasha must be. Tasha agrees that she is stressed, but does not elaborate on her feelings. Mimi assumes that Tasha must think that she is a burden.

Mimi then becomes very emotionally activated--she is reminded, consciously or unconsciously, of how shitty it felt to have her father tell her over and over again what a burden she is, and how better off he would be without her. So this must be how Tasha really feels about her, Mimi accuses.

Tasha, who is very stressed but who cares very deeply for Mimi and her well-being, and who does not see Mimi as just a burden, becomes very activated in turn--she feels maligned and misunderstood. And now she certainly can’t talk about how stressed out she is, because it will only convince Mimi that she is right.

So Tasha is now convinced that she must continue to hold her feelings in in order to keep the peace--she’s reminded of her childhood spent taking care of others, and how she never felt allowed to express herself.

This example is obviously from a very zoomed-out view, chronologically, and is not exactly the way we would see it written in fiction (fiction is much more moment-by-moment and, well, exciting, usually). BUT we can see where Tasha and Mimi’s sensitivities lie, and how they specifically hurt each other with their behavior (unintentionally, in this case) by stomping RIGHT ON those sensitivities.

Readers love drama. And drama makes the plot go ‘round! So don’t be afraid to lay it on them!

In your (very good and compelling) writing, ESPECIALLY if you want to write engaging relational conflict, you would do well to clarify what your characters’ deepest sensitivities are. Consider the following:

What needs went unmet for them, growing up? A very cliche therapist-y question, but for good reason--our upbringing is where many of our deepest insecurities originate.

Additionally/alternatively, what do your characters understand to be their role in relation to other people? E.g., are they always the caretaker, the burden, the comic relief, the heartbreaker, the lonely hero, the boss? How did they first get this idea of who they’re ‘supposed’ to be towards others, and how was this reinforced throughout their life? Are they satisfied or dissatisfied with their ‘lot in life’? What do they hate about their ‘role’, if anything?

What sorts of situations might remind them of what they hate most about this role? E.g. ‘I enjoy taking care of others, and I’m good at it, but my partner gets upset if I discuss how stressed I get sometimes--I’m never allowed to express myself.’ How can you incorporate these situations into your story to create conflict?

How does your character respond when these sensitivities are triggered? Do they lash out? Do they retreat and get quiet? Do they ghost people altogether?

What do they think will happen if they are unwilling or unable to fulfill this role in their relationships with others? E.g., ‘My partner will leave me if I am not a good caretaker’, ‘Nothing will get done right if I’m not the one taking charge’, ‘If I don’t keep others at arms’ length, even if they say they love me, I’ll end up hurt.’

This is another way in which you can help your relationships really come to life! Anyways. Read on for more cheer and relational joy!

iii. We’re Attracted to What Hurts Us Sometimes, AKA Oops! I Ran into the Knife, Ten Times,

(less of a part 3 and more a part 2.5, but it was simply too long. so,)

So maybe you have a good idea of what your ideal partner/bestie looks like. It’s probably any number of positive traits: kind, considerate, good sense of humor, shapely posterior, ambitious, active, fun-loving, studious, etc.

What probably don’t make the list are things like: emotionally distant like my mother with whom I long to have a reparative experience.

Maybe you’ve witnessed (or been in) a relationship wherein all parties can be described as ‘just so bad for each other’. And maybe this relationship should not have lasted as long as it did (or shouldn’t be lasting as long as it is). And maybe you’re like--’Why are these assholes still together?’ Or, importantly: ‘Why did these assholes get together at all?’ The answer may surprise you! But more likely, it won’t.

Sometimes, we pick people on purpose specifically because they stab us right in the sensitive spot (again. so to speak).

(i should clarify before moving on: I am specifically NOT talking about relational abuse, here. That’s kind of an entirely different subject that is like. the cousin of this subject. In this discussion, I specifically mean relationships in which there is no major power differential--you’re just bad for each other. These relationships can be what we might call ‘toxic’, sure, and painful, but not abusive. The distinction is important, moving forward. ok ty)

[Author’s Note: I need everyone to know that I wrote and subsequently deleted 700 words here because I realized they didn’t make any fucking sense ok. let’s try this one more time.]

Essentially, it’s a known phenomenon among humans that, when we have experience with relational distress in the past (e.g. a partner who neglected you emotionally, or parents who disregarded boundaries you tried to set), we like to seek out similar people with whom to form relationships. Weird! But not really.

The human brain seeks closure and resolution--where we couldn’t get things to work out with our parents, or our exes, we try to get the same situations to work out next time, with someone new.

Let’s look at another example, together. Take my hand,

Suppose you write a character (Character A) whose mother was in and out of their life from a young age, and never seemed to prioritize them. Now suppose you are looking to craft a fraught or tragic or dramatic romance (or other relationship) with this character. Using what you’ve written of your first character’s backstory, you can do just that!

It’s perfectly believable, you know now, for your Character A to pursue a love interest (Character B) who has a tendency to... not want to stick around. Maybe this love interest seems to fear commitment and intimacy.

Now, maybe Character B in actuality has a very dangerous profession that requires that they maintain the utmost discretion, and be ready to flee anywhere at a moment’s notice. Maybe the fate of the city/kingdom/nation/world relies on B’s profession.

It probably doesn’t make them leaving all the time hurt A any less, though.

Character A, unconsciously or not, is determined to make things work this time around. As the relationship deepens, B is faced again and again with the choice--stay, for your love, or go, as duty commands. Maybe they’ve taken a vow for their profession that is no light thing. They leave, time and time again.

Character A, unconsciously or not, remembers this feeling--it’s an old one. Mother, time and time again, chose something else over them. It would be understandable for A to feel a deep anger towards Mom and B both. Maybe A takes drastic action to get back at B (action that is also, symbolically, retaliatory towards Mom)--maybe they cheat on B, or do something that endangers their own safety.

When all they really want is just to get B to stay.

It’s probably very clear now why it’s not so simple a thing for A to choose to date someone more consistent--this is something that goes beyond B alone.

In this way, you can very easily weave themes into the relationship(s) of your main characters. Maybe the story of A explores the pain of abandonment, or loneliness. If B is the protagonist, maybe the story explores the way we excuse our shitty behavior in relationships (maybe the job is a pretext--maybe they really are scared of commitment), or maybe it’s about the dilemma of duty over love.

Relationships don’t always make sense. Or rather, they do make sense, just in a different way than we might expect. You can use this understanding now to intentionally explore a number of complex relationship dynamics, and to create nuanced (but sympathetic) characters. As you do, consider:

In your existing characters’ relationships--what keeps these assholes together? Why do they have to be with each other, as opposed to anyone else? This is important, again, for selling the reader on the relationship, especially if it’s your work’s main relationship.

What initially attracted your characters to each other? Consider again from the previous section (what is this, a fucking textbook?) the historically unmet needs of your character(s).

How do your characters go about expressing their needs? Think again about CONTRAST here--what is the discrepancy between what the actual need is, and how the character seeks to fulfill it? E.g. ‘I need to keep B from leaving me, because it really hurts me when they go, so I’ll go risk my life just to keep their attention (rather than express this pain to them).’

What similarities, if any, exist between your MC’s relationships with the people in their present lives, and your MC’s childhood relationship(s) with their caregiver(s)? Could you expand on/deepen any similarities in your writing? What themes might emerge if you did?

iv. Change / The Arc

So you’ve got your work’s central relationship. It’s believable, it’s just the right amount of dramatic, it’s suitably tragic, and just all-around devastating. People will cry. Great job!

Now what?

Well, that depends--what ending do you envision for your relationship?

If they remain together, do they get the happily ever after? The happy-for-now? Is the reader left to wonder about whether or not their relationship will survive?

Do they not make it at all? Are they separated by tragedy? Do they crash and burn? Or maybe they try their best, but despite how badly they love each other, it’s just not enough?

Whatever the Point B of the relationship is, if it’s central to the work, you’re gonna want to have a clear arc in there. Or not, idk, I’m not your mom.

You might already know, if you inhale every piece of writing advice you come across (like me), what makes a compelling character arc. The good news is that it’s much the same with relationships! Kind of.

Systems (relationships) tend towards homeostasis. Without deliberate intervention, relationships want to remain the way they’ve always been. Just like people!

And just like characters, relationships need a reason to change. Like a catalyst, or a motivation. Whatever the hell you wanna call it.

It’s not always, like, complicated to figure out the driving force behind change in your central relationships. Sometimes the pieces fall together!

Pay attention to the characters within the relationship--as your characters progress through their arcs, their relationship will naturally shift. It will probably not look exactly the same as it did when it began--there might be similarities, of course (they’re not entirely different people.. usually. And there’s a beauty to bookending a story with the familiar, certainly). But in this case, the relationship can be thought of as an extra character, almost. It’s unsatisfying to read a whole story wherein a central character stays exactly the same. It’s further strange and incongruent for a relationship to stay exactly the same while the characters have like, achieved actualization or whatever.

Outside events can force change on a relationship, just as they do individual characters. A couple that’s close to Characters A and B get married--and A & B start to wonder what their future together even looks like. B’s company hires a fiiiine honey, who’s exactly B’s type, and A starts steaming about it. A pandemic ravages the nation, and to prevent the spread of the virus, A and B have to stay inside togeth

YOU GET IT ok anyways I’m fucking tired of writing. If you’re wanting to develop the arc of your MCs’ relationship(s), think on some of this:

Do your characters see any problem(s) present in their relationship? Are they all equally aware of the problem(s)? Do they agree on what the problem(s) are?

How secure are your characters in their relationship? If anything could possibly cause doubt and conflict to arise, what is it?

Where do your characters see their relationship going in the near future? In the far future? Do their visions align? If not, how do they differ? Do they even want the same thing?

Is the arc of the central relationship congruent with the arcs of the characters who comprise it? I.e. does the relationship remain exactly the same as it was when it started, despite the characters undergoing wild metamorphoses? Is the reverse true?

When you think about their relationship, INDEPENDENT of any ending you may already have decided, where do you see it going? Like, where do these people feel like they’re headed, realistically? Does this align with the ending you’ve decided on for them? If not, this doesn’t mean you’ve written a bad relationship or anything, it’s just a possible sign that some really intense shit might have to happen in order to shift their course, y’know? Or not--the world is your oyster and you are the God of your own creation!

What are you trying to say with your story, and do the arcs of the central relationships reflect that message?

final thots

If you read all that shit, thank you. I wrote it all in one sitting and posted it without proofreading 💜

In all seriousness, I want to emphasize that, although some of these aspects of relationships are most visible in rels with a lot of anguish and maybe even some toxicity, you by no means have to write this kind of relationship in order to make use of these tips. You could write a very Normal couple!

The idea is to offer you some avenues through which to consider aspects of your characters’ psychology and personalities, and how they mesh or clash with their partners’ or besties’.

Anyways I hope this was helpful. I love talking about relationships I could literally go on and on all day. Which I kind of just did so. lol.

I’ve been liv and I’ve got two main WIPs I’m working on right now: The Romance of the Demigods and The Marking Blood and they’re full of really really super normal relationships and examples of me definitely taking my own fucking advice.

Cheers and happy writing! 💖💖💖

[transzilla]

Need a sub who is going to let me forcemasc him and kick his fucking ass like 80s rough trade style. Like some real neanderthal low IQ bdsm. Like I want to put him in the hospital. LMAO

You like a dom when it's one of your skinny fucking chainsmoking cis boys, like you honestly think you're hard because you let some skateboarder who can't lift a spare tire smack you around a little bit.

Your problem is that you're scared because you don't know what pain is. So believe me when I say I'm going to teach you what pain is.

I am literally on steroids and I do this shit for my own enjoyment.

Have you ever been hit in your liver? Like right on your ribs, a real body shot? It's like somebody lights you on fucking fire from the inside out and your whole body burns worse and worse by the millisecond. And you can taste it. Like I'm making you suck on some pennies. Lmao.

When your nose bleeds it will taste bad but you should be fine provided it doesn't obstruct your breathing. When your nose gets broken, that sinus fracture won't hurt right away from the adrenaline but as soon as it wears off it hurts like fucking hell and you can't touch it without it crunching or cracking around under your skin. You will feel nauseous and then fucking sick at the way your face breaks in ways you didn't know was possible, pieces of your inner cheekbone breaking and getting loose in your eye socket, the devil's own human anatomy lesson. When you get knocked out by getting punched in the face you think you're fine for the first half second but when the momentum catches up and your brain hits the other side of your skull in your head it's good night from there. And after you come to your face will be valentine's red and pink and swollen and nigh unrecognizable and from there is just going to turn so many pretty colors you'll look like a goddamn renaissance painting.

I'm going to make you scared that you're gonna die. And then you're gonna be scared that you might not.

You can complain, you can scream, you can beg, try to run, try to fight back, hold your hands up, there's honestly no point because you know you're going to take it and you know you like it because I say you will so you will. You're a faggot. There is something wrong with you. If you didn't come to me to try to fuck you would have just spent your time trying to run away from the first chucklefuck who knew how to fight and had a problem with you. You made it clear that this is how you accept love, so I will make you wear it on your face.

I am not going to afford you the ability to hide behind a mild, vanilla, effeminate or weak front. I am going to hurt you so badly your friends and your family and your significant other can't even bear to look at you without feeling your pain as badly as you felt it. They can't hold your perfect pretty girly face in their mind anymore, even after you eventually heal your nose has been bent into a new shape and the symmetry your teeth grew into has been rearranged into a haunted graveyard of broken and missing teeth like tombstones. And you can't exploit their safe conditional acceptance anymore. And you have to find a way to live as an ugly fucked up man when you can't get by looking pretty and doing nothing.

And idk maybe after I'll let you suck my dick a little bit.

[o-craven-canto]

Between Eyewitness: Dinosaur Hunter (an interactive dinosaur encyclopedia from the 1990s that was made extremely creepy for no discernible reason) and Escape: Triassic Halls (a puzzle game from the same era which [ROT13 for spoilers] qbrfa'g npghnyyl rkvfg, vg jnf znqr hc sbe gur lg ivqrb nf n zrgn-flzoby bs ybfg zrqvn naq gur varivgnovyvgl bs qrngu), there's an obvious niche of point-and-click horror games set in a haunted natural history museum.

The theme of impending doom and oblivion is there for the taking, and you can play around with:

exhibits coming to life or changing when you aren't looking (living dinosaurs prowling the dark hallways are a staple of both games above; also consider a simulated volcano filling a room with actual toxic fumes, humanoid figures in cave walls crying for release);

dioramas much more unsettling or gory than they need to be (first you see the models of a peaceful Neanderthal family; when you go back they are busy butchering a bison; the third time they are the cannibals of Krapina cave);

impossible ground plans or basements that go much deeper than they ought (rows and rows of skeletons fading into cavernous darkness, excavation pits stretching into underground labyrinths, aquaria with their own abyssal zone);

hints of a dark history of the museum itself (exhibits of skulls of "primitive" peoples, some who obviously died violently; fakes made from crudely stitched corpses)

the madness-inducing scale of Deep Time (picture a group of escaped hominids settling in a part of the museum where time is warped; in order to progress you must accelerate it until stalagmites have grown over their bones);

the inherent violence of the natural world (have an exhibit that puts you in the body of an early mammal hunted by dinosaurs, nearly blind and travelling by smell, or a proto-tetrapod trying to crawl from pond to pond faster than desiccation);

the mindless optimization on which evolution is built, the seamless continuity between human and beast (hominids from the distant future, who are no more flattering than those from the distant past)

Make the museum itself a sprawling cathedral-like building (the one in Vienna would be a good model), alternating between dark echoing halls and tight mazes of glass cabinets, decorated with creepy old prints of prehistoric life and strange cave paintings, built over actual deep caves. The way out is down. Mine heavily reconstructed dinosaur vocalizations for ambient.

You could have the whole game follow the actual trajectory of evolution, though I'm not sure which way would be creepier: going forward (leaving the uncanniness of quasi-human beings for last, dealing with the danger of increasingly intelligent enemies), or backward (complex life degrading into mindless slime, the world turning increasingly alien and hostile)?

[mothybean]

Airhead

Chapter 3

---

Our study session ended a little after midnight. Once I pulled myself together and focused on Jinx’s explanations, rather than her lips, I actually learned something. She was a lot smarter than I had anticipated. Jinx agreed that Heimerdinger’s approach to teaching was niche and super convoluted. I was shocked that she was able to decode his old English riddles and with such ease. It was almost second nature to her. As we went through each question, Jinx was able to break them down in a way where my brain could genuinely absorb the information. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, the fear of failure was becoming less intense the longer I paid attention. It wavered, but ultimately, our session did help. I had a new profound sense of confidence after just a few hours, who knows how much confidence I’d have in just a week!

I closed my laptop and shoved it back into my bag. As excited as I was, I was exhausted. We studied for about five hours straight. Jinx seemed pretty tired too. I didn’t want to push her. She sat on the far end of the couch, watching me gather my belongings as she fiddled with one of her braids. I couldn’t help but feel flustered, her gaze on me. Being the awkward mess I already was, my awkwardness always intensified if there was a pretty girl nearby. It was a curse. I was very well spoken, but put me in a room with a hottie and it’s bye bye articulate and hello neanderthal who lives in a cave and shits in a hole. 

“I really appreciate you helping me out tonight. I’m sorry it went on so late.” I said softly, hiking my ten thousand pound bag on my back. Jinx stretched her legs out on the couch and her arms above her head, the intensity of her stretch caused her black tee to hike up a tad, her stomach revealing itself slightly. My eyes immediately homed in on her navel, my thirsty side was getting stronger by the second. As I examined her stomach, I noticed she had even more tattoos; the same blue clouds she had on her arm. They seemed to trail down her whole right side given the line up. My thoughts started to wander, wondering just how far down they went. My curiosity was piqued.

“No biggie.” She waved me off.  “Lemme know if you need more help.” She said casually, her body sinking into the couch, her shirt riding up even more, her stomach now fully exposed. I couldn’t help but stare. Much like Vi’s, she was in good shape too. Not as much as Vi, but Jinx absolutely had definition. My mouth went dry at the sight of her. The primal urge to drop my bag and pounce on her like a wild animal was intense. As much as I wanted to, I seriously needed to pump the breaks. She was my tutor and my best friend’s girlfriend’s little sister. Would it be weird if we started dating? I wonder what Vi would say, no, what would Caitlyn say? Did Jinx even swing that way? It seemed like a fair accusation, most bi or gay chicks had dyed hair and tattoos. I don’t think I was too far off based on my educated guesses.

“Hello?” Jinx questioned. I snapped my attention to the blue hair goddess still sprawled out on the couch. Goddamn she looked like a painting. “You good? You’ve been like…staring at me.” Once again, I felt my cheeks go red hot, my heart started to pound a bit harder. My heartbeat felt so loud, I was starting to think she could hear it.

“Oh, sorry, I just…” I needed to think of something and quick! It was only a matter of time before the incoherent babbling started. “I was just going to ask you about…your tattoos! W-where did you get them?” I felt sweat start to form  on the back of my neck with how nervous I was. Jinx raised an eyebrow in question. She pulled her shirt down, covering her exposed skin and sat up straight, her eyes burning into mine. 

At that moment, the room’s vibe suddenly felt…different. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was a palpable tension. I was praying that she wasn’t pissed off at me being a thirsty idiot. I was staring at her like she was some exhibit afterall. Who wouldn’t have felt uncomfortable? I was about to apologize when Jinx suddenly stood up, her eyes still locked onto mine and pulled her shirt over her head. My heart was racing faster than a fuck boy street racing at two in the morning. I couldn’t think of one coherent thought as she stood there in only her sports bra. My eyes slowly looked her up and down, counting every single cloud she had on her immaculate complexion. 

“I got these done a couple of years ago. You like ‘em?” She smirked as she modeled her tattoos, her fingertips slowly dragging down her arm seductively. I felt my temperature gauge break. I’m pretty sure I looked sunburned with how red I was. She was stunning. My legs desperately wanted to move forward towards her. I fought hard against my subconscious behavior, counteracting them by giving her a forced smile.

“Wow.” Was all I could mutter. Jinx chuckled softly, obviously amused with my reaction. She stared at me a bit longer before her hands dropped to the hem of her pants, slowly pulling them down. Stunning and VERY out of pocket. If I were a cartoon character, steam would have been pouring out of my ears and blood would have been spewing out of my nose. I had no idea what was going on, but I didn’t know if I could handle it, considering I almost creamed my pants just by standing in her bra and pants. It was game over if I saw her in her bra AND underwear. I had to get out of there. Fast.

“Oh! Wow, look at the time! It’s really late. You’re so gorgeous-I mean-THEY’RE so gorgeous…haha. Silly me. I’m always messing up my words. You’ll have to show me next time! Uh, bye!” With my babbling idiot making an appearance, I took that as my cue and I sprinted towards the front door and bolted outside, leaving the door wide open. My heart was thumping against my rib cage like an angry UFC fighter. What on Earth was she doing? Wait, what was I doing? I was just in there ogling her and then the moment she makes an advance, a super strong one if I may add, I dip?! I was pathetic. I smacked myself in the face, realizing my mistake and started to turn around. The moment I faced the front of the house, Jinx was leaning in the doorway, her arms crossed and a smug look of satisfaction planted on her beautiful face.

“See ya next time, Y/N.” She chuckled, closing the door, an audible lock sound echoed. I stood there embarrassed as ever. I probably looked like a moron with how I reacted. At least she said ‘next time’, reassuring that I didn’t completely freak her out by my nincompoop behavior. I couldn’t get her body out of my mind, her blue clouds flashed everytime I closed my eyes. I was captivated to say the least. 

I got into my car and tossed my bag onto the passenger seat. I turned the ignition, my car’s engine stuttering a bit before fully turning on. I caught a glimpse of myself in my rear view mirror as I backed out of the driveway. I was still red as a lobster. I couldn’t wait to get home. I was going to take the coldest shower in existence. I had to cool down my core. If my body went any hotter, I’m pretty sure I would have melted into a pitiful puddle. I had to say, even though the night ended kind of weird, I was eager to see her again. When next time rolls around, I won’t run.

[specialagentartemis]

Wait if the human body needs fats for protein absorption, do you have any idea what someone who can't process fat at all is supposed to do? I'm currently being evaluated for all kinds of possible diagnoses but so far my physician isn't sure what's wrong with me and if it's curable, but the gist is that I literally can't eat anything even slightly fatty without becoming severely sick and immediately having to run to the bathroom. So I can't eat any meat that isn't lean, I can't eat cheese, can't drink milk, I can't eat yoghurt that isn't advertised as 0 fat, and I can't use oils at all either.

From what you're saying about fats, that sounds...less than ideal. Considering I don't know for how long I'll be forced to live this way or if there's anything that can fix it at all, do you know if there's anything I can do to prevent the rabbit starvation you speak of?

(referring to this post) Oh, wow! I’m sorry, that sounds frustrating and stressful.

I want to be clear: I’m an archaeologist, and my primary understanding of this comes from an archaeological and evolutionarily perspective, not a modern nutritional one. Your doctor and your nutritionist will know a lot more about your case than I do.

That said, rabbit starvation/protein poisoning is only really a concern when lean meat makes up the majority of your diet. Not the majority of the meat in your diet, the majority of your diet, period. It’s a topic of interest among archaeologists in particular because it would have been a perennial concern in the winters during the Ice Age: when hunting animals with lean meats would have made up a large portion of early humans’ and Neanderthals’ diets during a Paleolithic winter. Historically, this tends to happen only in the winter in tundra and subarctic regions when grains, fruits, vegetables, nuts, and fish aren’t available. There’s a reason it’s also called mal de caribou.

Carbohydrates, sugars, fruit, and vegetables give you a much more balanced diet and help make up for deficiencies in other areas. And modern nutritional supplements, fortified foods, and multivitamins also help stave off many historical areas of malnutrition. If you are eating a modern spread of foods, even without fat, you are very unlikely to get protein poisoning. You might get constipated when you eat the meat, though.

My understanding is: proteins get digested faster than fats. So if you eat high-protein lean meats, they can move through your system quickly, without your body having time to extract all the amino acids and all the nutrients from them. And then the undigested bits can build up in your colon and make you feel constipated. Fat is digested more slowly, and when eaten with protein, allows your body more time to extract more and fuller suite of nutrients from the protein. Possibly there is also an emulsification aspect going on as well, I’m not positive and it’s hard to find good explanations that aren’t diet-culture-focused. (Fat also does other important things in your body with providing long-term slow-burning energy, padding your organs so they don’t impact against other parts of your body, and absorbing fat-soluble vitamins and such; again, I’m not a nutritionist, and I don’t super understand the details.)

But dietary fiber can also slow down digestion, and can help give some of those same digestive effects. (Nixtamalized) corn+beans+squash is a very traditional diet of the Americas because it gives the whole suite of necessary amino acids without requiring a whole lot of external additions. Also, I get the sense that fish like salmon work differently because of omega-3 fatty acids? So there are for sure things you can supplement with.

My post wasn’t intended to make people worry; modern nutrition and food availability means that there is a lot of flexibility you can have in your diet if you’re allergic to one aspect of it. It was meant to say, even “unhealthy” fats have an important place in a balanced diet, and can do good things for you besides just tasting good, and that craving it may well mean there’s something in there that your body wants. But if fat genuinely isn’t good for you for medical reasons, there are absolutely ways of dealing with that. Ultimately, variety is the most important part.

[aurumacadicus]

What are you procrastinating?

Steve and Tony techy spy au?

*waves hand at... everything* Eh.

Anyway I'm feeling some okayish-dad Howard and stupid boys. But when am I not feeling stupid boys 🤔

Steve isn't about this whole... high-tech stuff. He's been doing this spy thing for years without even a smart phone. He doesn't want all these newfangled gadgets that take up space that could be filled with extra bullets instead. Sure, the key-reader had come in handy, but he also could have just kicked the door open in the same amount of time. He tries, though. He knows the world is getting more reliant on tech, and while his flip phone and motorcycle are enough for him, espionage is advancing to heights he never could have imagined. Plus, it genuinely helps that he always looks a little confused when he does anything tech-related. Most people think he's too stupid to know how to upload viruses and key loggers. He's gotten a lot more on board with it now that Tony is working in the labs, though. Tony is bright, and he always smiles wide as he explains exactly what his inventions do. So maybe Steve leans into being a neanderthal a little bit, just so he can get some extra attention as Tony makes absolutely sure he understands how everything works. His life depends on it, sometimes! He needs to know this stuff! And sometimes Tony leans in, one long line of heat against the side of Steve's body, and Steve is grateful he actually knew what Tony was talking about because all he could think at the time was 'Tony Tony Tony Tony' and he took in nothing.

Tony is, unfortunately, untouchable. Peggy is the head of the organization, but there are several others under her who wield almost as much power. Howard Stark is one of them. Steve had thought he and Howard had a pretty good rapport. They would get drinks after work, sometimes even eat lunch in the commissary together. Howard liked the work Steve did, and he also had a soft spot for older technology like Steve. They got along. But then one day, while they were taking their trays to one of the tables to sit at for lunch, someone said, "Have you seen the ass on that new guy in tech? Bet he's tight as a--" and Howard wordlessly slammed his tray into the guy's head with such force that it bounced off the table. "My son's ass is as tight as what?" Howard had asked mildly, as if he had not cracked his tray in half, and the surrounding three tables had scattered. Steve had wanted to run, too, but he'd pretended he understood Howard's reaction and how obviously he'd made the right decision. No one should be talked about like that, least of all a sub-director's son. After lunch, Steve had immediately gone to a payphone three blocks away and left all his friends messages to please god please don't tease him about how much he's talked about how sexy Tony is at work Howard will murder him Agent Malloy got a concussion please.

It's not like Steve is special, anyway. Tony is enthused about one thing only: Technology. Part of the reason he got the job was because Howard was tired of being pestered to show things to Peggy for him. Howard had cleared a path for him to force his way into Peggy's office and show off his stuff firsthand and that had been that. (Rumors said that Peggy was still aghast that Howard would allow Tony into a situation where he might be shot by his godmother, but both Howard and Tony showed a distinct lack of care for their safety, so. Maybe there was truth to the rumors.) So being an idiot about technology is the only way that Steve can get his attention. He think it's probably not the best way to endear Tony to him. Tony probably wants someone he thinks can keep up with him, anyway. Steve portrays himself as sort of a dinosaur when it comes to tech. Surely someone who didn't "need" to have things explained to him in very small words. Besides, active field agents were discouraged from serious relationships. It's always possible that they might not come back, or that their significant other would could be used against them. He wouldn't be Tony's first choice, and Tony probably had the good sense not to get involved with an active field agent. (Or if he didn't, Howard had probably scared the majority of them off. Agent Malloy had been the first creep he'd used his hands on. He hadn't been the last.)

Tony is absolutely, embarrassingly, and obviously in love with Steve. He thinks Steve is so sweet. He doesn't understand a lot of high-tech stuff, but he's so earnest when he asks questions, Tony doesn't even mind taking time from other projects to give him explanations. He wants to make sure Steve knows as much as possible so that he's less likely to get hurt. Steve has a sweet smile and he's literally heard him say 'aw, shucks.' He kinda wants to take Steve to bed and make him learn new swears. Steve's basically the only one Howard has good things to say about, too. 'He's a polite young man who would never gossip about how good his boyfriend is in bed,' he'd said. Tony... isn't actually sure why his dad felt the need to tell him that? But he appreciates it. He had his time as the college bicycle and while he's maybe not ready to settle down, he's ready to test the waters, date around. Maybe with Steve, if he could ever get Steve to catch a clue. Every time he hints at a date, Steve starts babbling frantically about someone named Agent Malloy? Tony only met him once. He thinks the guy's on medical leave, maybe. Maybe he's more Steve's type, Tony thinks in disappointment.

"...So you were just making fun of me," Tony says, hurt, after Steve has cracked the code on the digital cuffs he'd been bound with. "When you asked me how things worked." "I just liked listening to you talk," Steve admits, embarrassed, and doesn't meet his eyes. "I'd listen to you read the dictionary. You at least seemed to like talking about tech." "Aw," Tony begins, and then grabs Steve's arm and yanks him down with a scream. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" "What?! What!?" Steve shouts, but then Tony is gathering him to his chest and holding a taser threateningly. "Who are you threatening I can't see Tony oh my god." Howard adjusts his grip on the wooden beam he'd found to use as a weapon. "If I have to watch this comedy of errors for one more minute, I will beat Steve to death." "What are you fucking talking about?!" Tony splutters, at the same time Steve wails, "NO I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO AGENT MALLOY WHEN HE WAS TALKING ABOUT TONY'S ASS!" In the end, Tony has to use a prototype bondage device to disarm and bind his dad so he doesn't kill Steve accidentally club them both and Steve is so in love with him. He's so smart and beautiful and kind. "He is not kind," Howard barks from where Steve is carrying him like he weighs nothing. "Look away Tony. I don't want you getting ideas about his biceps." "It's too late. I had them the first time I saw him training newbies in the gym," Tony retorts, and Steve has to fumble around with Howard as he snarls and gnashes his teeth.

[siremasterlawrence]

Auction House

Part 1 -

Welcome to The Auction House my place of business just tell me what it is you seek and I will find it no problem but you need to pay the ultimate price.

I get up this morning walking in to get ready as I exit the main door and head to private elevator in my apartment and wait for the cart to arrive.

The door slides open as enter pressing the button for the basement, as the doors close descending down in to my private basement venture.

The elevator shaft cart stops right there so immediately as I place my hand on to the scanner and the palm scans away and the door swings open.

I walk on to the main floor using my per view

to check over the entire auction room and I flip on the switch as lights blast down the miles of aisles behind me.

I see miles of glass containers blasting side to side and wall to wall and I am in awe of all of my hard work but I have three that are quite in particular.

I am in amazement at the sight where my eyes landing my eyes onto one container featuring the one and only former Arrow actor.

Stephen Amell is laying almost half naked on a plush bed with the lights blowing white light throughout the whole to room and I can hear a deep breath.

His eyes slowly up rolling his eyes as he stir up they are sitting up trying figuring the out come of this situation and how he even got their.

“Hello Mr. Amell” the speaker in the box is on full blast loudly yelling toward him as he notices me and attempts to stand up and stumbles to me.

He stood up horrified as he trips on his way to the glass, placing one hand on the glass window, and he can’t help but stare at me even though his anger rages.

He rages his arms at me though I ignore him waving it off, he is left perplex yelling loudly once again but he does not even realize the small pipe shoot out.

“Your name is Stephen Amell, you arrived at my Auction House. Don’t ask any questions because you have already been scrubbed from this matrix.”

“You do not remember any of the fake world reality that use to live, you are processed by me.”

“Place these clothes on that beautiful naked body of yours.”

“What do I call you boss?”

“Master Lawrence! You Neanderthal “

“You treat me like shit and it’s hot “

Part 2 -

Robbie Amell broke awake after hearing the front door bursting to the side and reaches for a bat on the side and makes his way to the staircase.

He snuck down swing the bat line a maniac his expression is one of insanity with this hardcore frenzy look and my crew took a pic for me.

They sent to me by way of text leaving me so hard and I can’t wait to mess with him as he fails to smell the gas seeping pass him and he passes out.

“Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house your freak.” Robbie demands.

“How did you get in my house?” He asks.

“You are requested for an invitation to a new start.”

“I will have to decline “

“Unacceptable! You can come willingly or you can come the hard way.”

“Foolish! Give him a bear down.”

“With pleasure “

“Fuck this! You won’t get me”

“He wants to play games “

“Chase him “

“Woohoo! About time a bitch put out”

“I am no bitch”

Robbie awoke next rolling off the bed on to the floor he is conked on the head and he is fraught within him and he struggles rising up in to the air.

“Welcome to my Auction House! You are my permanent art piece .”

“How may I serve you ?”

Part 3 -

Colton Haynes is a fine piece of ass to see and behold when a camera flashes his face and he goes blank falling backwards on to the carpet.

Someone helps him up to his feet both of his arms land on their shoulder leading him in to the building and shoving his body in to the back of a truck.

They drive off the highway on to a backward country area side rode and they zoom past the city limits entering the garage area and snatch a shoot to the glass box.

“Hello Colton “

“Fine specimen indeed”

“Welcome to the Auction House”

“Sure boss”

“Do you comprehend?”

“You have reprogrammed me”

“Suppressed me”

“Erased Colton”

“He is a pussy “

“I am at your service”

“Shut up!”

“Get dressed “

“You are perfection”

“My Art collection “

“We are only getting started.”

The end

[haljathefangirlcat]

My dealer: got some straight gas 🔥😛 this strain is called “Beowulf” 😳 you’ll be zonked out of your gourd 💯

Me: yeah whatever. I don’t feel shit.

literal years later, when I least expected it: dude I swear I just saw Cain's spawn lurking in the fens

My buddy the narrator pacing: Hrothulf is plotting against his uncle

The thing about Beowulf is... I never quite got the hype about it. (Yes, we're not Supposed to use words like "hype" about world literature Classics, especially from ancient times, or to make light of them in general. Shut up and contemplate the fact that social media posts expressing nothing more than personal opinions and feelings aren't generally meant to be the same thing as academic work to be shared between academians in an academic context.) Ofc, I understood its historical value, including in terms of linguistics and philology. But in terms of "would I pick this as reading material to obsess and fall into a research hole over"? Despite trying a few times, I never quite got past ALL the references to God every other line. ("Snorri was an Evil Zealot who set out to knowingly and purposefully Christianize Norse mythology For The Evulz" crowd, I will tattoo each and every single one of those all over your body so you can't look into a mirror without accidentally reading one ever again.) The apparently disjointed "Beowulf fights Grendel and then Grendel's mother in Denmark. Years later, after going back to Sweden and becoming king, he also fights a dragon but this time he dies" narrative didn't really appeal to me, either. Nor did the presence of (afaik) exactly one (1) named female character. (Wealhtheow, babe, in hindsight I'm so sorry.)

I'm not sure what changed, exactly. It's just that, some time ago, I finally got around to reading Grendel by John Gardner, and I loved it and thought "wow, this would have made me either bawl my eyes out or stare off into space for like five-to-ten minutes after finishing it, had I read it as a teen." And after that, I found myself thinking "well, now I should probably get to know know the original story," and finally picking up my copy of Tolkien's translation of Beowulf, and realzing there actually was a lot going on in the story, and getting way too engaged in the looming "Hrothulf kills Hrothgar's kids" subplot that doesn't even really resurface in any later material about Hrolf Kraki (though those aren't exactly free from fucked-up family dynamics, either...), and going "!!! Volsungar mention!!!!" at the bit about Sigemund and Fitela despite already knowing about the Sigemund and Fitela bit and the whole "who actually killed the dragon first/in which tradition" question, and losing my mind at the bit about Hama and the "necklace of the Brosings" and "Eormanaric's hate" because, yeah, I already knew about that one, too, kind of, but recently I've gone into a little bit of a Brisingamen deep-dive, and a while ago I read a really interesting commentary and translation of the Hildebrandslied that had quite a lot to say not just about the specific hatred/enmity of a powerful king for an adventurous hero but also about the shift from Odoacher to Ermanric as Dietrich' von Bern's enemy, which ofc (?) got me thinking about Eormanaric/Ermanric/Jormunrek's apparent widespread reputation for being an asshole, something there probably has to be some accessible paper in English about somewhere out there...

Ahem. Anyway, I also found myself alternating reading Tolkien's translation with watching Grendel Grendel Grendel, the weird and very simplified and toned down but still somehow very enjoyable and sad kids' movie adaptation of Gardner's Grendel. And Beowulf & Grendel, the one without any magic where Grendel's a traumatized Neanderthal on a quest of vengeance that's somehow also quite a good watch despite the wonky editing, the cast and crew being possibly cursed by the Norse gods, and ofc, the time-displaced Neanderthals. And Animated Epics: Beowulf, which I might have actually watched once as a child, thinking about it. And Simon Roper and Jackson Crawford's read-along, featuring interesting linguistic, literary, and historical notes as well as Australian!Hrothgar, Beowulf making it exceedingly clear that "some of my best friends are Danes!", and some unforgettable exchanges such as "I used to tell my students the story about that time I almost drove off a cliff when they were worried about their exams to make them undestand that I, too, had experienced the fear of death :|" "I'm glad you didn't perish :)" "Thanks. :|" (I'm on the Fits 8-11 video, btw. Even if, when it comes to Tolkien's translation, I'm already at the part where Beowulf says goodbye to Hrothgar and sails back to the land of the Geats. Look, I remebered thos videos existed somewhat belatedly.)

I think eventually I might also end up rewatching The 13th Warrior (which I'm gonna go out on a limb and say might be the true origin of the ahistorical Neanderthals in Beowulf & Gredenl, but I remember liking that one, too). And Outlander (my beloved "aliens crash-land in Viking Age Scandinavia and fight each other while being Sad & Tragic in their own ways" one, not the Scottish one) but specifically as a Beowulf reimagining this time around (rather than as "the movie that could have totally had the Brooding Hero, Fiery But Sweet Warrior Woman, and Hotheaded Rival-Turned-Friend invent modern polyamory, because that wouldn't have been weirder than having a character called Boromir" like every other time). Maybe that weird post-apocalyptic Beowulf that was the first to do the "Grendel's mom's got it goin' on" thing, too, at least if I can find that snarky review of it on Youtube again. Probably not the Uncanny CGI Desperately Trying To Be Live-Action 20O5 Beowulf where the titular hero keeps screaming "BEOWULF!!" and "I'M BEOWULF!!!" just in case the audience's intelligence levels can't be considered to be above the average rock's, and that also decided to add a foot fetish/body paint kink note to its cover of Grendel's Mom, though, unless I can find any snarky review of it. (I remember reading somewhere that the director actually hated Beowulf, as in the poem itself, and accepting the bit of info without question. The high heels-shaped feet are just one of the reasons why I wonder if anyone ever asked him if perhaps he hated women, too. At least his work supposedly contributed to the writers of Outlander being told "there's already too many Beowulf movies coming out!" and going "whatever, we're gong to do our own thing! With blackjack and hookers aliens and shieldmaidens", so I should probably thank him for that.)

Unfortunately, while I'm pretty sure I'll be able to avoid writing down a list of Adaptations I Absolutely Need To Check Out One Day Or I'll Die (i.e. Every Single I've Ever Heard About) like I did for The Nibelungs In Their Every Possible Form, all of this had the unforeseen side effect of reminding me that, even when I didn't have much if any interest in Beowulf, I used to have a bit of soft spot for Unferth. I mean, how could I not, when I imprinted on Hagen von Tronje when I was eleven-years-old? Give me a guy who knows all of The Hero's heroic deeds and still doesn't find him all that impressive from their very first meeting, and I'll just "👀" at him. Though from what I knew, this guy in particular seemed to go against his character type by becoming more friendly with the hero and lending him his ancestral sword, which seemed pretty interesting. Especially because he was apparently a fratricide, too? And you wouldn't expect a guy who killed his own brothers and got a "... and that's why you'll go to Hell!" by The Hero over it to have any kind of redemption arc/sudden reveal of hidden depths in any positive sense. And there was also that paper (which, ofc, I didn't bookmark at the time, and now I want to kick myself for that until I remember the title or at least the author...) arguing that maybe him telling off Beowulf about the swimming race was less about him as a person and more about him having a specifc role among the thanes in Heorot that included testing strangers requesting to speak with Hrothgar to figure out if they really were who they claimed to be or if they could actually live up to their reputation...

Again, I blame John Gardner, at least in part. He has a really crunchy Unferth, who definitely reawakened my interest in the character. The on in Grendel Grendel Grendel wasn't half-bad, either, though very different in some respects. But the original, too, ended up being actually so much more fun (meaning, so much more to chew on/rotate in my mind) than I could have imagined from my vague memories.

First you've got the iconic "didn't you look like a total loser against Breca, and isn't that literally all there is to know about you?" "shut up, you're drunk, a kinslayer, someone I have never heard anyone tell heroic tales about, and also, maybe if you were braver Grendel wouldn't keep eating you guys" banter, and I'm starting to realize that might be already more juicy, in terms of both Beowulf's and Unferth's characterizations and their interactions together, than I ever thought it was. Then you've got a line that sounds an awful lot like "everyone could see Grendel's severed arm hanging from the ceiling and that shut Unferth up" and seems to imply some sort of lingering bitterness on Unferth's side when Heorot is in the middle of the celebrations for Grendel's death. But then Unferth actually starts being described in much more favorable terms, almost as if the narrator were pointing out that, despite what the audience might think after his first appearance, there's a reason he's close to Hrothgar and has a good place in his hall... even if at the same time Unferth's praised for his "mighty heart" (something quite different from cowardice), wisdom, and the trust everyone in Heorot apparently has in his mind, there's actually another reference to him having had no mercy for his relatives "in the play of swords" in the past. (Fun little detail: that line comes right after one to the effect of "Hrothgar and Hrothulf were there and no betrayal had yet happened between them"...)

Until, finally, you get Beowulf preparing to go fight Grendel's mother and Unferth giving him his family's swords, Hrunting. And all kinds of entertaining things happen in relation to Hrunting.

You've got Unferth not remembering his first words to Beowulf because he was just really, really, really drunk when he said them, which seems to go well with Beowulf himself calling out his speech as a drunken boast but not with the "that shut him up" line I mentioned before. (Which leads me to wonder: was he actually too drunk to know what he was saying? Or did Beowulf give him an easy out in case he regretted it, which Unferth eventually chose to take to try and smooth things over?) You've got Unferth being "mighty of valour" yet not daring to go after Grendel's mother himself and "forfeiting glory" while giving his weapon to a "worthier" warrior, but his sword getting some lengthy praise nonetheless, to the point of being basically deemed infallible, and Beowulf not only not making any more comments on Unferth's supposed lack of bravery but calling him a man of "wide renown", praising his sword some more, vowing to succeed in his heroic feat with Hrunting or die trying, and telling Hrothgar that no matter what happens, Unferth must get it back when it's all over. And after that... you've got Hrunting utterly failing to kill or even harm Grendel's mother.

Except, that's literally the first time it ever fails at anything? And Beowulf can only kill Grendel's mother when, with the help of God, he finds a magical sword forged by giants, which implies there was no problem with it (and, by extension, with Unferth?) as the whole situation simply needed a little something extra to be dealt with?

Then, you've got Beowulf actually bringing Hrunting back, even if it wasn't much use to him when it really mattered. And praising it again, making sure to publicly clarify, while addressing Hrothgar himself, that no, it really is an excellent sword. And, after some more "the monster is dead!" celebration, Unferth himself (unambiguously "bold", now) having the sword brought over again not just to lend it Beowulf, but to gift it to him.... a weapon that is both nothing to sneeze at and, as Beowulf himself has acknowledged while praising it, a family heirloom. (From a guy who probably already has enough complicated feelings about his family without running around giving that kind of stuff away, to boot!) One Beowulf accepts once more, and gladly, already figuring it will be "a good friend in war, a power in battle" and saying absolutely nothing bad about it (the narrator goes "oh he's so gallant!" at him after that bit, which is admittedly kind of hilarious in itself, but still, imho, not really much to go on if you want to think he's not being sincere) right before he announces his intentions to sail back home.

I'm gonna be honest: I had already read most fics tagged Beowulf/Unferth on AO3 before this Beowulf binge. And now, I've gone and reread them. I've actually read the ones I'd missed the first time around, too. Not that it took me much time at all, but still. WildandWhirling has two really lovely ones. This innuendo-heavy one is a delight to read, too.

I think I might end up writing at least one more. Maybe canon!verse, if I manage not to spiral into researching Old English attitudes to homosexuality, or maybe Modern!AU, if I manage to find a good way to transliterate "sailing off to another country to slay monsters" in this century in a convincing way. Even just to have more than six works in the tag itself. But we'll see...

I suppose, in the end, the whole point of this random, almost stream-of-consciousness post (besides freeing up my head from at least some of my recent Beowulf thoughts) might have turned out to be just that, no matter who they are, fangirls will, indeed, always make them gay. (... I say, as if this was a surprise and I didn't already ship a number Nibelungenlied-and-adjacent gay ships I got into way before any of this.) It wasn't its original purpose but *shrug* I'll take it.

Then again... come on. All that talking about swords. *grin*

[nature-is-punk]

Yarrow and its Uses

Disclaimer: The below is the culmination of tedious, scrupulous research meant to assist with magical and medicinal practices. However, we lack a variety of lab-conducted herbalism trials in humans, so precautions are necessary. None of the below represents medical advice or is meant to replace treatment by a medical professional.

Identification and Profile:

Appearance: White, yellow, or pink flowers bloom from March to October. Very strong sweet smell. Often mistaken for hemlock or queen anne’s lace; leaves and flower shape are the most reliable identifiers for telling these three apart.

Distribution & Habitats: Native to temperate regions of the Northern Hemisphere. Thrives in meadows, roadside ditches, grasslands, and open forests. Attracts predatory wasps, ladybugs, and other beneficial insects. Reduces parasites in the nests of birds such as the common starling, who line their nests with it.

Associations: Yarrow was found in a neanderthal burial site in Iraq, suggesting its use by humans for more than 60,000 years. While yarrow has impressively consistent medicinal usage across cultures - namely healing and inflammatory pain relief - cultural and spiritual connotations vary. Yarrow’s botanical name refers to the legend that the centaur Chiron taught Achilles to use yarrow on the battlegrounds of Troy to heal wounds. Across the British Isles, yarrow was used to assist women in finding husbands, from divination to sleeping with the flowers under ones’ pillow. In Europe, it was known as a witch’s herb, occasionally called the Devil’s Nettle.

Uses: Topical: Effective antibacterial, astringent, antifungal, and antiseptic agent and can be applied to wounds to deter infection, speed up healing, and soothe inflamed or irritated skin. Ethanol extracted essential oil is the most lab-studied form of topical application, though dried flowers can be powdered, applied as whole dried flowers, or made into poultices and salves to wounds to stop bleeding. Oral: Flavonoids of yarrow make it a powerful antispasmodic and decent anti-inflammatory, most often used for gastrointestinal disorders. Yarrow can also induce sweat to break a dry fever. Essential oil of yarrow heals stomach ulcers. Navajo people chewed the leaves to reduce tooth and gum aches or inflammation in the mouth. Mild laxative properties. Mild sedative when consumed as tea. Tea also can be consumed to reduce headaches and cold symptoms, and sterols in yarrow can regulate menstrual cycles. Inhalation: Boiling the plant and inhaling the steam can reduce headaches and sinus inflammation. Dosage: Oral dosage is 2-4g of dried herb, flower and leaf, or 3g of whole flowers. Consecutive use is not recommended for longer than 2 weeks.

Interactions & Side Effects: - Adding nettle to yarrow consumed orally can reduce oxalate burden on kidneys. - Possibly an abortificant by relaxing the uterus, and may reduce breast milk supply while breastfeeding. - Increases production of stomach acid, lowers blood pressure, and increases risk of bleeding for those on blood-thinning medications. - Also interacts poorly with lithium based medications by increasing the body’s lithium retention.

[academicdisasterfic]

When It Returns

drarry, past plantseeker - m - 7.5k

‘You’re late, layabout,’ Malfoy drawled, pushing the whiskey over to him. ‘I’ll have you know that I am very busy maintaining a whole house and garden by myself now.’ ‘Oooh, the dead husband card. Before any alcohol. Is that a record?’

Harry's husband is dead, and Malfoy is the only one who gets it.

Or, the one where they drink at a straight man pub, renovate a house, and learn how to find joy again.

Thank you to @nv-md @lqtraintracks @lou-isfake for not only being my hype squad and doing amazing beta work, but being the best friends anyone could ask for.

This story is for a person who's returned a lot of light to my life. I love you, @saintgarbanzo.

CW for grief/mourning and past character death.

What is the word for when the light leaves

the body? What is the word for when it, at

last, returns?

- Kate Baer

...

The problem, Harry thought, is that life is stupid, and everything is meaningless.

He was very drunk.

He was very drunk and propping himself up on the bar by his elbows, hiccuping into a glass of whiskey. On the screen, the Treasurer explained his new financial plan, and someone at the end of the room shouted for the bartender to switch it to football.

‘Neanderthals,’ muttered a familiar voice next to him, and Harry snorted.

‘You’re such a snob.’

‘Snob? Hardly the worst thing I’ve been. Leon, two doubles, please.’

‘One of those is mine, right?’ Harry grinned, and Malfoy rolled his eyes.

‘As long as you don’t regurgitate it. How was your week?’

‘Shit. Yours?’

‘Shit.’

‘Cool.’

Harry leant his cheek on his palm so he could look at Malfoy without having to hold his own head up. Malfoy looked even worse than usual this week. His pale skin was grey rather than pearl, and there were dark, indented circles under his eyes. With his sparse hair slicked back, he looked alarmingly like a vampire.

Keep reading on Ao3.

[apenitentialprayer]

The Praesentia of the Neanderthals

All hominin bones, whether fossilized or not, are special. Bodily representatives of lives lived tens or hundreds of millennia ago, their immediacy captivates. But also their rarity: we have millions more artefacts made by Neanderthals, than bones from the hands that once touched them. Nonetheless, collectively, we know them more intimately than any of our other close relations. The handful of remains a hundred years ago whispering of another kind of human have today swelled to thousands of fossils from many, many sites. They represent a couple of hundred individuals, from newborn babies to old adults who —while not decrepit by today's standards— were probably elders in their own society. This rich sample allows us to reconstruct the biological character and diversity of the Neanderthals. Even with such impressive numbers, every skeletal part is still worthy of velvet-cushion reverence. They're conserved and transported in locked cases like diamonds, or sacred relics. Their priceless lies in being treasure troves of data on individual lives, and simultaneously acting as windows onto entire populations. Specialists apply a vast range of techniques from biochemistry to high-tech visualisations, examining whole bodies or zooming down to the near daily layers inside teeth. Through the DNA they contain, Neanderthal remains are also our direct connection to these vanished people. We may be twice-removed from their dry bones —by time, and by the glass of museum cases— but encountering them, it's hard not to feel a shiver pass across our own still-vital skin.

Dr. Rebecca Wragg Sykes (Kindred: Neanderthal Life, Love, Death, and Art, pages 46-47). Slightly reformatted to avoid a wall of text, italics original, bolded emphases added.

[throwingawayhailstones]

New raid dropped and it's kinda peak???? (party 2.2 (i actually finished the story))

yea ok holy fuck kill Barkat. KILL (spoilers btw obv)

The story was honestly pretty sweet. Even though it's a raid boss you don't actually fight the conductor in 20-5. He says he's not the combat type so he was just gonna let them go, but turns out the doors won't open until he finishes a proper performance. Them's the breaks. So the gang play some music with him and take him through therapy. it's really cool. He's like "i'm just an android i do i really count as alive?" and Eve is like "well you can hold a conversation far better than the androids outside and you can also create art. Even if you aren't a Nasod that's alive enough for me :)" I love this man i SWEAR TO GOD BARKAT IF YOU KILL HIM FOR LETTING THEM THROUGH I'M GOING TO BE REAL UPSETTI

I love him so much

Little guy discovers free will omg

AYO ADD NOT THE NEANDERTHAL ALLEGATIONS

KILL HIM EVE

The 20-4 story was really funny with Haivan realizing the trick to getting past the security system right before the communicator broke and Add and Eve getting all upset because that dumbass Haivan figured something out before we could wdh wdh

Eve is great in this chapter btw. She's honestly the star of the whole raid even though it's Lu's region. I lover her heart to heart with the Conductor and I love her getting snippy.

(anyways turns out since it was a "simple" machine they just asked it what the passcode was and it was like lol sure gimme a sec)

Oh gee a chapter called "Manipulate" I sure wonder what's going on in there

Ah..

DIGG NOO

(btw for context, he was one of Lu's closest followers and went by "Digg" rather than his birth name "Tarith" to distance himself from his piece of shit dad)

GOD I HOPE

THEY KILLED CIEL NOOOO (he's fine (probably))

Also next raid is a cool dragon or something. Apparently Barkat kicked the Tortas out of their territory to excavate some fossilized dragon bones that were in there. That's why they've got that cool elevator lol.

HMMM AISHA I WONDER WHO WOULD BE EVIL ENOUGH AND POWERFUL ENOUGH TO ORGANIZE A RITUAL SACRIFICE OF THAT SCALE??? SURELY NOT SOME TWO-FACED BITCH??? Barkat's reckless mining operations poisoned the land, she reduced Lu's castle to a crater to repurpose the raw materials, and now she's (might) kill all the people too? What does Lu even have to come back to??

On a side note, I like how in the recent storylines they didn't forget how "morally questionable" (evil) some of the gang and their allies are. While exploring the land of steel, the Tortas were slaughtering anyone who questioned them. They didn't suddenly become good people now that they've adopted Raven as their boss.

Remember that all the Ikus of Magmelia are terrified of the Torta. The only reason they are even alive is because Vasili (Incoolord) convinced Ricardo to let them go in exchange for their vision. (This is why all the Ikus in Karis' army or in Magmelia either have scars on their faces or blindfolds).

In the Monaterra storyline we have Ciel openly and proudly talking about ways he'd efficiently kill his targets, and it's like "oh right he was an Assassin. He worked with the Lanox underworld."

Raven and Elesis were mercenaries, they've definitely killed people for money.

Aisha is a Landar mage and not a single one of them is normal (except my goat Yuria).

Even though Tir is an ally for the Abyss storyline, he still absolutely cannot be trusted and would bet on the gang's deaths for a laugh.

Aren openly invited Ran into his body because of his treatment in the Xin capital. He may not have forseen everything that would've happened, but he definitely knew that a lot of people in the palace (many of them innocent servants) were going to die.

Haivan plotted for Aegrip and Berthe to kill eachother during their rampage and isn't sorry about it even though he'll admit that the current outcome where the capital doesn't get turned to rubble was preferable.

Add was openly talking about taking apart the Conductor which they just made friends with.

Ain is STILL RACIST

Interestingly, this contrasts with Elboy's decision to do everything he can to spare the baby Myuriconus in 18-2 (Abyss). He feels bad after seeing how the Magmelia Dream Demons are mourning Karis and doesn't want to kill if it he doesn't have to. The gang follow him even though Ciel or Raven or even Elesis absolutely would have killed it in such a desperate situation (they were actively dying due to being in the Abyss) yet they still followed him because they trust Elsword as their leader and moral compass (even if they make fun of him in the down time)

[transzilla]

No inspiration? No energy? No problem. Drag it out of your cunt.

God gave me this incredible procreative force and I am using it other than how it is intended. God is discretely dead and has no intentions so what I'm really arrogantly, brattily disrespecting is the intentions of other people. I'm still creating things, biologically, with sexual intent, adrenaline and testosterone and estrogen and amino acids inflaming the flesh and making me sweat and increasing my heart rate and making the blood run to my face like some walking hard-on absolutely possessing my body and making me from a woman into a man and then into a fucking machine. I can and will get off on and dominate anything. My arms are caked in shit up to the elbows cleaning dishes that have been there for months after stewing in rough trade depression living in a fucking sty, getting on all fours and scrubbing the hardwood like a military grunt, ass and tits and body fat shaking with the motion of my arm. I'm a stick bitch at an active lumber yard and my whole body is sore because I've been overworking myself with my spine at about a 130° angle carrying a 20 pound chainsaw bucking all the branches off a tree I felled however many times a day for 45, 50, 60 hours a week, sweat running down my tits under my shirt, dirt all over my fucking face, cock twitching when a spring pole flings back and almost breaks my fucking hand. Other men ordering me around like a needy, bossy girlfriend. My body hurting and aching and excruciating lactic acid inflaming my muscles and I'm still pushing like an animal, a horny teenage boy, a fucking neanderthal endlessly pushing and heaving in search of an orgasm, a jackpot, a destination.

I do it cause i just can't control myself. It's hot. It makes me hot, it makes me look hot. If I can't see it making me wanna fuck or making someone wanna fuck me I just can't abide by it.