#but the sensory overload of a busy store has been making it so hard for me to like. actually get orders done right

[ringneckedpheasant]

this is somehow worse than yesterday

unsurprisingly I don’t want to go to work today either

[moodymisty]

I always imagined Cross' eyes to be sensitive and get strained sometimes and when they do he'd turn into a teddy bear or smth he'd just want to cling to you and bury his face into your shoulder to keep the light away while so needy for cuddles or hugs and his squad is just like

🕴 that our Cross?? (bc before he met reader if his eyes got strained hed be the most grumpy gremlin his brothers have ever met)

[ 𝕸𝖔𝖔𝖉𝖞𝕸𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖞'𝖘 𝕸𝖆𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙 | 𝕬����3 ]

Author's Note: This is so cute!! I love the idea that Crosshair has eyes just as or close to as good as Hunter's thanks to his enhancements

Summary: Crosshair might be a loner but even he knows that sometimes tender loving care is what works best.

Relationships: Crosshair/Gn!Reader

Warnings: Mentions of sensory overload, fluffy, Crosshair being a grumpy little shit that needs cuddles,

-Hey. You busy?

Looking over at your datapad you see a message from Hunter, before glancing back at your computer. Hunter knows damn well that you're always busy, it's more so a matter of if you're too busy to sneak away and do whatever he has in mind.

Well, your work is practically done, so you'll message back in a few minutes once you're free. Because you know damn well that once you start with them, you'll be roped into whatever mess is currently happening. Before you have a chance to finish however, Hunter gives some much needed context to his earlier message. Not too much, however.

-Come here and help deal with Crosshair.

Since when did you become the resident sniper tamer?

Though Hunter knows you well enough, as even though you don't respond, you quickly finish up what you've been working on before getting up. Their barracks are a good ways across the base so it's a decent walk, enough that you can send a quick message.

-On my way.

Part of you is curious what in the galaxy could warrant such am urgent sounding message from Hunter; Though you'd probably never be able to hazard a guess. Hunter doesn't respond, largely because he knows you'll be there the moment he does. Their barracks are a good ways out of the way, but the walk isn't that far. Tech has it timed, actually; In another odd random bit of knowledge he has stored away in the brain of his.

It seems this time you were particularly speedy, as he's a few seconds off when you arrive, the door opening. The moment you enter you can feel the tension, as everyone hovers around the center of the room. Hunter comes up to you, and you whisper:

"What happened?" Looking over to see Crosshair on his bunk, with everyone glancing his way, but attempting to be subtle about it. His hand is pressing against his eyes and forehead, hard enough that he surely can't see very well. Hunter fills you in with the only word that is necessary.

"Flashbang." Oh no.

You know Crosshair's eyes are incredibly sensitive much like Hunter's, which also makes him very sensitive to things like bright lights. The two of them are the main reason why they have the lights in all their barracks, and the Marauder, dimmed so low.

Tech is hovering close by, the closest that the Batch has for a medic keeping an eye on a fuming Crosshair. Wrecker comes closer to check and gets venom spit at him, before he presses his hand back onto his face.

While his brothers are concerned and wanting to help, hovering and asking constantly if he's ok are both things that don't work intermingled with someone like Crosshair. You know that he just wants pitch black, and silence that's just as deep as possible.

Sighing softly you step away from Hunter, walking over to his bunk. You don't say anything, just sit on the edge and gently put your hand on his shoulder. You've delt with this Crosshair before, so you have a decent idea of what helps and what doesn't.

Within a few minutes he pulls you closer to him, forcing you to lean back more until you're partly laying down. He wraps his arms around your body, as his face presses against the black of your shirt above your chest but below your shoulder; Wrecker groaning and walks by yelling:

"Hey! Keep it clean, we're still here!" Wrecker jokes, laughing loudly.

Crosshair's hand quickly darts out to get a piece of Wrecker, who deftly dodges it.

"Fuck off."

He feels your hand gently on the back of his head, fingers playing with the short hair at the nape of his neck. His arms tighten around your ribs even more. His head is throbbing so much he doesn't care how he looks, or that what his brothers are saying isn't actually insulting. He'll just act like it is, and bite at them none the less. In a bit he'll be back to normal, but for now he'll indulge.

It's hard to believe that you've actually been a positive influence on his overall attitude, until you have times like this.

"Just leave him alone, Wrecker." Echo quietly speaks up from across the room, where he's cleaning dirt from the inner seams of his armor pieces.

You kind of wish you'd brought your datapad with you in hindsight, as now that Crosshair has you trapped, you have one hand completely empty as the other lays on the back of his head. It's also a little boring, just watching his brothers go about their individual work as quiet as possible.

A few months ago Crosshair would've never even considered doing anything remotely similar to this, but thankfully his edges have been buffed just the tiniest, tiniest little fraction.

You remember a long while back Crosshair had muttered that he didn't deserve you, and while you had vehemently denied the notion, he didn't seem to take it entirely to heart. You only hope these sorts of gestures help reassure him, relaxing with him as the thumping of his headache ever so slowly goes away.

Join the taglist here: @seriowan @simp-legend @nekotaetae @chad-something @coffeyorky @merkitty49 @lokigirlszendaya @totesnothere04 @get-wr3ckered @rebel-finn @mandoloriancookie @therealnekomari @loverofclones @notthatfanfictionwriter @lucyysthings @jennrosefx @fxlsealarm @crosshairs-wife @sinfulsalutations

[hysterek]

Feeling of Home

AO3

When Stiles first gets his acceptance letter to NYU, the first person to pop into his head is Derek. He remembers the few stories Derek shared about his time in New York with Laura. It was rare for Derek to talk about his past, or at all really, so Stiles sat quietly and memorized every story. He loved listening to Derek talk about Laura and their New York friends. He also loved knowing that he was probably one of the only people to hear the stories.

Thinking about Derek is still rough for Stiles. Derek left a year ago with only a “see you around -D” note, taped to Stiles’ bedroom window. No forwarding address, no phone number. Typical, Derek. When Stiles read the note, he so badly wanted to be angry, but if he was going to be honest, he’d known it was coming. He doesn’t blame Derek, could never blame Derek. Beacon Hills hadn’t been kind to him. Or his family. Or his friends. Sure, Derek is a sourwolf with some major anger management issues, but he’s also loyal and fiercely protective of those in his corner. And Stiles would always be in Derek’s corner. 

So, yea. Stiles gets why he left, but it still hurts.

~

Deciding on NYU is a tough call, because Stiles got into a few great schools. There’s  a part of him that wants to stay in California. Near his dad. Near his pack. But, there is a bigger part of him that wants to leave and see what else the world, or at least country, has in store for him. If he’s going to be completely honest, he wants to remember what life was like before he got into the werewolf business.

His pack isn’t thrilled to hear that he’s moving 3,000 miles away. They give him their most impressive puppy dog eyes and it’s almost enough to make Stiles change his mind. Almost. His dad, on the other hand, is excited for Stiles to go to New York. John wants his son to have a normal college experience. He wants Stiles to get out there and meet people. People who don’t know all about the things that go bump in the night. Stiles loves his dad.

~

Now that he’s in New York, Stiles’ thoughts once again jump back to Mr. Tall, Dark and Broody. Every small, quiet cafe or bookshop has Stiles wondering if Derek’s ever been there. He wants to know how Derek managed to live here for so long without getting sensory overload. It’s loud and smelly. Stiles is having a hard time with it and his senses are nowhere near as strong as a wolf’s. He knows he needs to focus on the task at hand: Higher Education, but still, Derek’s on his mind. 

~

Soon enough, Stiles finds himself a little routine and it feels good. He finds the best coffee he’s ever had and it’s right next to a great little bakery. The subway system is easy to learn and way cheaper than having to fix his jeep every other month. There’s always something open, no matter what time it is, something Beacon Hills definitely can’t offer. His classes are all pretty interesting and only one of his professors are obnoxious assholes. He’s met some cool people and even hooked up with a couple of them. All in all, it’s not bad living alone in the city, Stiles thinks. 

Only there is something missing. Something Stiles would never say out loud, because he knows it sounds weird and corny. Even by Stiles’ Standards. He’s just missing that feeling of home. It’s something he can’t really explain. He didn’t realize it was missing, until he went home for winter break and breathed in the California air. New York is great, but it’s just not home.

~

Stiles’ first year of school comes and goes in a flash. He passed all of his courses with flying colors and he’s proud of himself. Instead of heading back home for the summer, he decides to find a part time job and work. The pack isn’t happy about it at all, but they schedule several video calls with him throughout summer to make sure he doesn’t miss too much. 

The Sheriff comes and visits Stiles for a week. Missing his dad was the hardest part about being away from Beacon Hills. Stiles wanted to show his dad how well he was doing in his new home and that he doesn’t have to worry about him so much.

When Stiles’ dad goes back home, Stiles throws himself into his work. Living in the city wasn’t cheap and he wants to make sure he isn’t being a financial burden to his dad. So, Stiles wakes up, grabs a coffee and pastry, the heads to the used bookstore that hired him. He gets paid to sit for hours reading the description of all types of old books and posting them online. It’s a great gig, something Stiles actually really enjoys and his co-workers seems to like him, too. Being a working man isn’t half bad.

~

It’s the middle of summer and it’s the hottest it’s been yet. Stiles hates that it gets this hot, but nobody has air conditioning. It should be illegal to not have A/C, when it gets this hot and humid. Sitting by the front door of the bookstore with a small fan blowing on his back, is the only way he manages to survive his job. His new seating does have its perks, though. He can easily see what’s going on outside and Stiles loves to people watch. Businessmen in their expensive suits rushing around people, nannies trying to reel in their hyper kids, tourists taking pictures of anything and everything. 

Stiles is fascinated by the people he sees. He starts to figure out who the locals are and where they’re going. There’s a little old lady who stops at the bakery every Monday and Wednesday, a middle aged man that gets his shoes shined every Friday and then there’s the guy who grabs coffee at the bakery’s coffee kiosk every other day. That guy is Stiles’ favorite person to see, because he reminds him of Derek. Stiles imagines that wherever Derek is, he’s just like the Coffee Guy, living his life.

~

It’s raining when Stiles finishes his last summer shift. He’d forgotten his umbrella, even though he knew it was going to rain. Oh, well. It wasn’t like he was going to melt or anything. Grabbing his bag, he takes off in the rain. The sidewalks are crowded with people trying to escape the wet weather. Luckily for Stiles, his apartment is only a few blocks away from the bookstore. Unluckily for Stiles, the crowd of people was making it hard for him to walk any faster than snail speed. Stiles sees an awning and decides to pause his walk home. 

Taking shelter from the rain, Stiles wipes the water that’s running down his face and wrings out his shirt. It looked like the rain wasn’t going to let up, but Stiles was ready to change out of his soaked clothes. Looking around for his best exit strategy, he decides that his best move is to just take the L and walk home. But, when he steps out from under the awning, the water doesn’t get him. Confused, Stiles looks up to see a red umbrella covering him. Stiles whips his body around to see who the owner of the umbrella is and it’s Coffee Guy. 

Only, it’s not Coffee Guy. Not really. 

It’s Derek. Derek Hale. Derek, who he hasn’t seen in over two years. Derek, who left and never turned back. Derek, who Stiles thought about all the time. Derek, who looked exactly the same, yet somehow totally different. Derek, who is just standing there, staring right back at Stiles. Derek, who appears out of thin air and brings with him that feeling of home.

[samsoleil]

you can now read the homeschooled au on ao3! or you can keep reading here. in this installment, the boys go to a mall for the first time and have an Experience™

(cw for sensory overload, if that's something that doesn't quite butter your bread roll)

One day, Sam realised that their dad was just a person.

He can’t remember the conversation, if it could be called that, in its entirety. But what he does remember with a surreal vividness is seeing Dad’s face, cold and hard with rage and frustration, and thinking, I don’t understand. Real life doesn’t have those scenes where the camera cuts to the perfect moment to explain the characters’ motivations. Dad had a whole life before Sam and lives most of his existence separate from Sam, with his own ideas and interpretations and some sort of equation that added one dead wife and two kids and came up with the mess that’s been Sam’s life so far. This experience of the world, a mark of being human.

And that thought was like a spotlight had been shone on Sam’s little corner of the world, this glaring thing, an unavoidable truth. It isn’t always there but, when it is, it’s inescapable. If Sam’s honest, it’s fuelled the fire in more than one of his arguments with their dad. Sam wonders if this is how Eve felt after biting into the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, cursed with a realisation that can’t ever be unlearned.

But Dean’s different. Dean’s life isn’t this impossible, untouchable thing like Dad’s is; it’s Sam’s life, too, this thing they share, and Dean lives life more than anyone else Sam's met. Admittedly, Sam can name the amount of people he's actually met, beyond the handful of cashiers he's made uncomfortable eye contact with, on one hand. But he can't imagine that anyone who's ever spoken to Dean has left the conversation thinking, Well, he doesn't experience life as much as I do.

That’s not the point. The point is, Sam’s become accustomed to the concept that people in the real world have thoughts and feelings and lives that Sam will never know. But he and Dean had wanted to try going to a mall for lunch, instead of their usual cafés, and Sam had no idea that you could find this many people in a single place.

"Wow," he says, standing with Dean in the doorway.

There really are just so many of them. Parents with their kids, old couples, gaggles of teenagers laughing and shouting. Sam sees a group of girls around Dean's age in bright colours, hair falling in a sheet around their shoulders. He sees two young parents with their baby, jostling them up and down as they wail, drawing dirty looks from a couple of older women chatting over coffee. Everything is fluorescent bulbs and colour and sound. It's wonderful. It's horrible. There are so many of them and Sam has no idea who any of them are. It’s the Tree of Knowledge again, if biting into fruit was comparable to plummeting off a cliff, and he doesn't think he’d be able to handle feeling like this all the time. It's almost too much, to think that everyone here is just as alive as Sam and Dean.

Sam reaches out slightly to tangle his fingers between Dean's. Dean's hand relaxes easily, less soft and larger than Sam's, and grips him reassuringly after Sam's fingers are threaded with his. He feels better, after that. He watches the small family as the baby suddenly stops crying, their mother pressing a pacifier into their mouth and receiving a gummy smile. Genetically, a person's DNA is half their mother and half their father. Sam has a matching theory about himself as a whole. Half of Sam is characters from books, TV shows, movies, and half of Sam is Dean.

He follows after Dean as they move out of the doorway, away from Sam's sudden movie moment, and they melt into the crowd. It's even worse once they get in there, and Sam keeps overhearing snippets of conversation, fragments of this bustling chaos of lives.

"-working Friday, and I don't know if-"

There's a girl with an ear full of piercings, silver and solid, wearing all black with ripped jeans and a leather jacket-

"-assignment? I haven't-"

-and the sun streaming in through one of the windows flashes off the glass of one of the stores, momentarily turning Sam's vision white, and it's enough to make his eyes sting-

"-Sarah, Katy, wai-"

-while the air is filled with the scent of a hundred different foods, sweet as spun sugar one second and then the smoky thickness of meat, and Sam's head turns to follow the smell of flowers carried by the curls of a dark-skinned man in jeans-

"-long black, two sugars. Do you ha-"

-who greets an older woman with greying hair, and Sam turns back to face the direction they're heading and sees a crowd of people too thick to move through.

"-believe, I mean, it was so-"

He squeezes Dean's hand. Dean squeezes back. Sam squeezes again, and they have a back and forth for a minute or so as they wait for a space to open up in the crowd ahead of them. Sam knows what the person at the counter is ordering and what the people at the table behind them did for their weekend and what Donnie did to Amy, did you hear?

I heard, Sam thinks viciously, Everyone in a ten mile radius heard, can you shut up?

And then he feels bad, because it's not their fault it's so loud in here. He can barely hear himself think. He can't even hear himself breathe, can just feel his lungs inhaling and exhaling in his chest. The functional unit of the lungs are small sacs called alveoli that have walls one cell thin, and the culmination of Sam's can usually run a five minute mile but today, now, they're barely keeping him standing.

"-diagnosis, it all happened so fast-"

It's been a minute since he last squeezed Dean's hand, so he squeezes again. And Dean squeezes back, hard, and that seems to help the frantic energy building in Sam's body, so when Dean starts to relax his hand Sam squeezes again and he doesn't let go.

"-don't know what I'd do-"

And Dean looks back, and something must show in Sam's face, because then they're moving, the crowd be damned. Someone brushes against Sam and he feels every part of it, too aware of the fabric of their shirt brushing against Sam's flannel. Someone else steps on the side of his shoe and he wants to step on them back, wants them to finish the job, wants to break out of his body. Dean's squeezing Sam's hand hard enough that he feels the bones in his hand shift, but it's all he has, right now. The rest of him is too busy paying attention to everything else.

"-rotten leaf in my salad, I want-"

There's a group of children laughing and stumbling over their feet, their mothers following behind with gentle smiles and chattering conversation, and Sam feels this tug of want-

"-failed my midterms, so I just-"

-and there's someone in a bright, multicoloured jacket holding hands with a girl dressed in all denim, laughing as they reach up to gently grasp her chin and lean in-

"-loud in here, do you want-"

-so Sam looks away, and no matter where he looks there's another person, another family, another store, another thing bright and beautiful and he can't take it, okay, it's just too much-

"-I said, that's crazy, no way-"

-for him to handle right now, the everything of it all, the thought that, all this time, the entire world has existed just outside of their motel room and he's barely a part of it.

"-beautiful, Mary-"

Sam's heart jolts in his chest.

I can't do this, he thinks desperately, still moving with Dean, pulled along by him, his hand encompassed by Dean's. He tamps down the visceral urge to just lie down here, press himself into the tile and be consumed. He sidesteps a puddle of someone's chocolate thickshake, his stomach turning over. He can feel the slick of his sweat between Dean's large, warm hand and his own. Part of him wants to tug away to dry his palm on his jeans, but he feels like he might fall apart if he does.

Dean leads him into a store and the temperature change shocks him, sending shivers cascading down his spine, and Sam feels suddenly unwell, like when he has the flu. But it's quieter in here, the cacophony of the mall muted by the racks of clothing. The fluorescents take all the red away, leaving Dean wearing an ugly brown flannel, and that sick feeling grows stronger. Sam closes his eyes, letting Dean guide him. He flinches at the clatter as Dean pulls something off the rack, the hanger tapping plastic against metal railing, and lets himself be swept along, around a corner and into a changing room, Dean pulling the curtains closed.

Sam bypasses the bench to sit down on the floor, gaze fixed on where the curtain brushes against the faux wood linoleum. He can still hear the chatter in the store, muffled as if underwater.

Dean crouches down in front of him, breaking his line of sight, but Sam can't move. He can't stay still. He's going to fall apart. He's going to turn to stone. He wants to run, run, out through the mall and back home, he wants to crawl into Dean's chest and stay there forever and never go outside again. Fuck outside. Outside is overrated. Outside is filled with people who couldn't give less of a shit about Sam, going about their days while he falls apart in the middle of a food court. Outside is filled with people who aren't Sam and Dean, living TV lives while they spin out on some highway in Nowhere, America.

"Sammy?" Dean says, and it's so loud, what the hell, Dean.

Sam untangles himself from his little ball of limbs to silently shoosh him, and he watches as the tense line of Dean's shoulders relax infinitesimally from where they were hitched up around his ears, all worry. Dean bats his hands away gently, fine, fine, he'll be quiet.

What happened? asks the moue of Dean's mouth, the furrow between his brows.

Sam shrugs.

That's not an answer.

And Sam knows it's not, but how is he meant to explain it when even he doesn't know what happened? It was just everything, all at once, and it crept under Sam's skin and into his head and he couldn't escape it. He looks up at Dean, helpless, and Dean's hands come up to cradle his face and it's alright. It'll be okay. Sam tips his head into the warmth of Dean's skin, lets his eyes fall closed.

Someone laughs from in the store and Sam flinches, then feels Dean's hands move to cover his ears instead. Sam sighs and leans into Dean's chest. He expects to hate it, being touched, worries that he'll want to shed his skin in a heap at the feeling of it, but it's Dean. Sam presses his forehead into Dean's ribs firm enough to bruise, and Dean pulls him along as he reshuffles on the floor so that Sam is between his legs, wrapped in warmth, anchored to the world. He moves his hands away from Sam's ears and Sam, with a bitter-sick feeling of betrayal, clamps his own over them, pressing hard. But Dean puts his hands on Sam's back instead, rubbing soothingly, and that's better than anything else.

A few moments pass, quietly, just the two of them. Sam’s still stuck in his head, which is tuned into the world like a radio turned up too high, but he does his best to focus on the smooth movements of Dean’s hands up and down his back, fingers running over the knobs of his spine. They’re called spinous processes, and they lengthen throughout the cervical spine but are mostly the same size in the thoracic spine. Sam checked. Dean kicked up only a little bit of a fuss. And when Sam realises that he’s playing that memory in his head, eyelids heavy, he notices that he’s feeling a little better.

As if reading his mind, Dean moves his hands to rest on Sam’s arms, and Sam settles back. He takes his hands away from his ears, blinking hard. His chest feels a bit tight, but he’s okay. He conveys as much to Dean, who looks over him, expression doubtful. But when he sees Sam watching his face he plasters on a grin, rubbing Sam’s arms quickly through his shirt before he moves back, too.

Dean signs for Baby. They don’t have to stay.

Part of Sam wants to leave, but it feels like giving up. And he wants to try the mall, was excited until he became overwhelmed and, if he tries, he can make the adrenaline feel more like anticipation.

“I want to stay." He accompanies the words with their signs. “Can we get pizza?”

Dean kept bringing it up in the car, subtle as a truck, and Sam saw some slices of a vegetarian pizza through the glass of one of the counters. It’s an easy choice to make. Sam doesn’t really feel like pizza, but he knows that Dean will try to cheer him up the same way he cheers himself up. And it works, for the most part. Dean just hasn’t quite realised that the main reason why is because Sam likes seeing Dean happy.

And, fine. Sam knows Dean needs him to be happy, too, and maybe that plays a bigger part in it all than Sam would care to admit. He knows that if he asked to leave, they would be as good as gone. It's enough to make him feel lightheaded, sometimes, the things that Dean would do for him. And it's not even because he has to. He chose Sam, over their dad, over hunting, over the chance to be free from Sam's drama forever. So they'll stay, and they'll get pizza, and they'll buy jackets and underwear and Dean's paraphernalia, and then they'll be gone. Sam just needs to hold on for a few more hours.

Dean beams and Sam feels his cheeks flush in response. Dean's so, so proud of him. He circles Sam's heart through his shirt and Sam feels something bright and beautiful settle in him. It’s contagious.

"That's my boy," Dean says, ruffling Sam's hair.

Sam pushes him away gently, reaching up to fix his hair, and Dean rocks back, still wearing that easy smile. Sam has to look away, eyes settling on the amulet sitting on Dean's chest and shining dully in the crappy change room lighting. Sam doesn't know how he does it. Sam knows better than anyone that life isn't always sunshine and roses but, even with Sam losing his grip over and over, Dean's still here. Maybe it's selfish, but Sam can't help but be desperately grateful. He wouldn't trade where they are now for anything. They're alive now in a way they weren't before, and Dean seems to be genuinely enjoying it. Sam wants to love existing that much.

Dean stands and offers him his hand.

One day, maybe I will, Sam thinks, and he reaches out.

[telekinsesis]

"🎭The Masked Autistic Quiz🎭

If you’ve spent your life ‘faking normal, you might not look autistic to the casual observer. So I’ve made a questionnaire that’s tailored to the masking autistic adult.

#ActuallyAutistic #AllAutistics"

1. Have you ever felt as if you were missing the built-in instruction manual that everyone else seemed to possess?

Yes. I had to slowly learn how basic things worked while others seemed to instinctively get it.

Did you spend an inordinate amount of time learning to copy the behavior of other kids so that they wouldn’t realize you were different?

Yes. I always just wanted to fit in and have friends and be liked, but I always felt different than them.

2. Are you able to make eye contact, but would much rather NOT make eye contact? Have you taught yourself to ‘cheat’ by looking between the eyes or at the eyebrow? Does eye contact make it harder to think clearly?

I can't handle eye contact for longer than a couple of seconds. Most of the time I find a way to avoid it, I can only remember doing it in stare contests with my sister or for comedic purposes.

3. When you’re alone do you make random noises or repeat interesting words to yourself? Do you move your hands or feet because staying still feels ‘wrong?’ Bonus points if you do this around other people.

I'm always shaking/bouncing my leg. Sometimes I hold my breath for no reason or find myself making involuntary noises with my throat. Every once in a while I also say random things.

4. Do people refer to you as a ’space cadet’ or a ‘day-dreamer’, even though those terms make no sense to you? Do you appreciate unusual things like constellations in the popcorn ceiling, tricks of light, numbers and textures?

I am always daydreaming or spacing out, I would be more called out for it as a teen than I am now. / I don't find those things unusual but I love noticing them and the little details about it, I do appreciate it.

5. Do your anxiety levels spike when there is a change of plans, or when somebody calls, rings a doorbell or sends an email/text? Do people perceive you as rude and antisocial for being unappreciative of their surprise attacks?

Yes, yes, yes. Unless it's someone I deeply trust (sometimes not even then though), sudden changes of plans or routine upset and stress the hell out of me. Phone calls can give me anxiety and sometimes I need a lot of time to reply to a simple text.

6. Do you have a hard time understanding why people feel the way they do without a personal point of reference? Are you able to relate much more once you’ve tied their experience to something that’s happened to you?

I can't remember or realize if I do, but I do know that I'm better at "empathizing (?)" when I relate to the situation in one way or another. My closest friends are people I share similar experiences/feelings with and we can get each other.

7. Do people jokingly call you ‘OCD’ for your organizational strategies or list making, even though there are perfectly rational reasons for your behavior? Does this ‘obsessive’ behavior also bring you a sense of calm and order when you’re allowed to see it though to completion?

Not really, but my sister who's a psychologist thinks I have "obsessive/compulsive traits" or whatever because of how often I wash my hands. I also enjoy organizing my saved files, even if it takes me hours, and feel much better when they are.

8. Do you have social anxiety, but only because you have a hefty track record of rejection due to missed social cues, difficulty navigating conversations and an inability to understand what other people are thinking?

I have been diagnosed with social and generalized anxiety but I don't know why, it's just my brain. I do remember it starting/getting worse when I got to high school, around the same time my depression kicked in.

9. Do you avoid places because of the overwhelming noise, visual clutter, bright lights or overwhelming smells? Do you avoid busy stores and do your shopping when things aren’t as busy?

I don't go out a lot overall, I like staying home better. I don't know the exact reason why and when I go out it's hardly ever to packed loud places because I'm very introverted, but I also hate when people talk too loudly 90% of the time.

10. Do you have a built-in ‘BS detector’ and despise playing along with things that infantilize you? Have people said you’re ‘not a team player’ for complaining about pointless gift exchanges or parties? Do you need to understand the purpose of a task?

Yes. I don't complain but I don't participate either, again, I'm very anxious and introverted so unless I feel comfortable with those people, I don't like socializing much. I don't remember ever doing tasks without purpose, I don't think they exist in the first place, everything has a purpose.

11. When you get happy and excited, do people say you’re ‘too much’ or tell you to calm down? Are you unusually animated when genuinely excited, yet find it hard to fake this enthusiasm on demand for others?

When I'm in a good mood, I'm in a good mood. When I was younger and participated in things I was passionate about I would get told to tone it down and be less "loud" or "annoying" because the way I expressed my excitement was too extra. I found it easier to blend in and calm myself externally after called out.

12. Do you feel so closely connected to your hobbies that you can blissfully engage in them for hours and have a hard time stopping for anything else? Does losing interest in them make you feel as if you’ve lost a part of yourself?

Yes, definitely, yes.

13. Is driving a stressful and exhausting experience for you? Do you tend to take the same familiar route every time and even go so far as to avoid stressful intersections and fast highways? Do you struggle making quick decisions behind the steering wheel?

I don't drive.

14. Do you feel as if you relate to animals more than other people? As a child, did you secretly suspect that you were from another planet or species than that of your classmates? When meeting someone similar to yourself, do you feel like you’re ‘home’, so to speak?

I relate more to cats than people I know. I still do, even though I rationally know it's impossible, kinda. It's not very often but yes.

15. Do you abhor the idea of making conversation with people who share nothing in common with you? Would you happily go out of your comfort zone to talk with others about a shared hobby or passion?

My classmates gave me anxiety but I would talk for hours with one of my sister's friends because she liked classic movies too.

16. Do people assume you’re angry at them when you’re not? Do you smile or laugh inappropriately, upsetting others? Have people told you that you have a ‘resting bitch face’?

I have been asked multiple times if I was okay or if I was sad when I was nothing of the sort, but maybe I was simply depressed? I remember laughing and then realizing it wasn't a good moment but I don't remember it happening a lot or why I did it.

17. Do you have an unusually monotonous or singsong voice? Do you have a hard time modulating your volume and speak with inappropriate volume for the situation?

I don't know, I don't think so but I constantly do get called out for not speaking clearly or mumbling or talking too low or fast even when I think I'm being clear or think it's possible to understand me regardless.

18. Have you purposely chosen interests that fly under the radar as ‘normal’, yet you still prefer to enjoy peripheral aspects of that interest, such as studying the stats of baseball players or making elaborate backstories for your Barbie dolls?

As a kid I would create novelas around my Barbie dolls, when I made pillow forts with my friends I would create dramatic/tragic stories and wanted to act them out with them. Currently I don't "choose" interests or care about how "normal" they appear, I'm just naturally invested in things.

19. Do you find it inordinately difficult to listen to someone when other people are talking? Do you have a hard time carrying on a conversation in a loud or crowded place?

I don't know but I don't think so, when a person is loud enough I can hear them over other noises, even if it's by a little. Again, I don't usually go to loud or crowded places so I can't remember.

20. Do emotions and sensory overload build up into a thunderstorm of rage that you have no choice but to ride out until it passes? This might be a meltdown. Alternately, does the buildup result in you retreating from the world and ‘zoning out’? This would be a ‘shutdown’.

Yes.

21. While not officially criteria, this is something that many autistics will relate to: Do gender, romantic and sexuality norms seem arbitrary and fake? Even if you don’t identify as LGBTQ+, do you hesitate when referring to yourself as cisgender or heterosexual?

I'm a lesbian that questions her sexuality at times and have no idea what my gender is, I just know I'm not cis.

22. Have you developed coping mechanisms such as lists, schedules, stacks of paper, alarms and reminders to help you function as an adult? Would you still be able to get by without them?

I'm currently not doing anything that requires me functioning like an adult and don't remember what I did when I had to but I would never be able to be an adult.

23. Do you go through periods where you can’t even remember how to make dinner or get ready for work, and even the easiest of tasks seem insurmountable because you can’t fathom completing the steps to completion?

I don't forget how to do things but I can forget to do them or it's almost impossible to bring myself to physically do them.

24. Do you find it easier to do things when they’re a passion or ‘special interest’? Were you good at cooking/gardening/organizing when it was interesting, but find it impossible to start once the passion has abandoned you?

Always. I have abandoned many projects once I lost interest even if I was somewhat good at it at the start.

25. Do you have a hard time recognizing or remembering faces? While not all autistics are ‘face blind’ many of us are.

I don't think there are many faces I need to recognize or remember, and I have a shitty memory anyway so I don't know.

26. Is keeping and maintaining relationships difficult for you, even if you’re loyal to them? Do you suddenly remember a good friend or relative that you literally forgot about for months or years? Is it hard to initiate conversations without a prompt, even with friends?

Yes. If I'm close and trust them, it's not hard to text them first but I don't always know what to exactly say or talk about.

27. Lastly, do you get emotional and feel ‘seen’ when reading the above tweets and other content by autistics? There might be a reason for that.

I do some and most times, but I don't wanna assume things.

[eldritchsurveys]

740.

How many walls are in your bedroom? >> Six, because the closet juts out from one of the corners. What do you think about Fall Out Boy? >> I enjoy their music quite a bit, especially Save Rock and Roll and Mania. Do you know where Guatemala is? >> Generally, yes. Specifically, nope. Do you find musicians attractive? >> I think being skilled in an art form -- but especially music -- is attractive, but not, like, “I want to sleep with you”-attractive, which is what I think people mean by this question. Just... I like art, I especially like music, by extension I’m interested by people who make art and especially music. Do you like hard boiled eggs? >> Yeah.

Do you know anyone named Hector? >> I used to, but we didn’t really call him that, we called him Luis. Would you move to another country for the one you love? >> I’ve moved across country for someone, but emigration is a lot harder than that, so I don’t know. I think what’s more important is whether I could even emigrate in the first place, seeing as the process is difficult even for people with money and marketable skills... Do you own an instrument? >> No. What do you usually have for lunch? >> I don’t usually eat a lunch, per se. I kind of graze for most of the day. The most organised thing I might make is a sandwich or some microwave thing. Ever had a pregnancy scare? >> Yes. What do you think about the Purple People Eater? >> I don’t really know what it is, if I’m honest. I’ve heard the song and I’ve heard references to it, but that’s it. Are you pale or tan? >> Dark-skinned. I’ve seen complaints about the America-centric lines of questioning in surveys, but can we talk about the whiteness lmao... What’s the weather like right now? >> Cloudy and chilly. I don’t know where Lady Spring is, but someone please tell her that I am dying. Do you like cats? >> Not especially. I can live with one if I must, obviously, since I do; but I’m not really interested in his existence or anything. I’m kind of turned off by people going apeshit about cats all the time, if I’m honest, but it’s hard to be honest about that without people taking offense. It’s not you, it’s me, etc etc. (It’s probably because I’m a spider and everyone hates spiders.) What’s the best part about Wal*Mart? >> I don’t know, I’m not terribly fond of Wal*Mart myself. Do you think Akon is amazing or annoying? >> I haven’t heard his name in years, lmao. Also, I have no opinion. Do you like the buzz cigarettes give you? >> Yeah, which is the reason I pick up a clove every now and then. Sometimes I just want to get into that headspace. Are you a practical joker? >> No. Do you like pop? >> Not the Pepsi and Coke kinds. I like “weird” sodas, I guess. And ginger beer, which is sort of like a soda. What are you looking forward to? >> Hmm. Oh, Sparrow is going back to work on Monday, apparently! Out of context it sounds like I hate her or something, probably, but it’s not that at all. She’s the only person I can bear being quarantined with. But like, I just like being in the apartment alone for a while. I feel... constricted when someone else is around all the time, and while that’s lessened with her it isn’t nonexistent lmao. I just need time where I’m left to my own devices without being observed by other people, any other people, it’s a weird need but it’s mine and I’ll be glad to have that need met again. Have you ever laughed so hard you couldn’t breathe? >> Yeah. What’s your favorite band? >> The Receiving End of Sirens is one. Do you feel stupid when you spill things on yourself? >> Yeah. Are you excited for summer? >> I would be, under normal circumstances! Now I just dread having to be stuck inside for the whole thing. I’m going to try walking trails and stuff, just to... be the fuck outside, but still. Have you ever snuck out? >> No. When’s the last time you were kissed? >> Oh, I don’t know. Would you ever eat popcorn & salsa? >> No, thanks. Do you sleep with the television on? >> Nope. I require silence. The only exception is, say, I’m in a motel room and other guests are being rowdy. Then I’ll put on something to, like, have a controlled and constant sound going as a counter to their chaos. Would you ever want to be able to be invisible? >> I mean, sure, there are situations where I could see that being advantageous. What does your favorite shirt look like? >> I don’t have one. What’s your favorite scent? >> ^ Skype, Msn, Aim, or Yahoo? >> Discord. What’s your favorite time of the day? >> I like dawn. I also like dusk, but only in the summer. Summer dusk is a beautiful thing. Do you hate the phrase “love ya” when coming from a boyfriend/girlfriend? >> No...? What do you do when someone in the room has b.o.? >> Distance myself as much as possible, as discreetly as possible. I don’t want to embarrass them, I just don’t want to deal with sensory overload. What movie would you like to see right now? >> Oh, stuff. How many times a day do you shower? >> It depends on the day. Some days, zero. Some days, once. What do you think of the name Chloe? >> It’s all right. I wouldn’t give it to a character, but it’s all right. Do you like Hollister? >> I’ve never even been inside one. (I’m pretty sure that’s one of the stores that they spray fragrance throughout, like Abercrombie, so that’s all the reason I need to never go inside.) What’s your favorite alcoholic drink? >> Absinthe. Do you like 80’s music? >> Sure, some of the music I like was made in the eighties. Do you have to wear glasses or have contacts? >> No. Do you play Halo or Gears of War? >> I played Gears with a friend years ago. I don’t play it now, though. That kind of game is pretty much only enjoyable for me with a friend, so. How do you feel about cleaning? >> I hate it, but I love the results. What do you think of emo kids? >> I appreciate them. Do you like the movie Grease? >> I haven’t seen it since I was a teenager, probably, so I don’t really remember it. I just have a vague recollection of a couple of the songs, and I remember what the main characters looked like. I’d probably like it if I watched it again; my thing for greasers is still alive and kickin, after all. Do you like singing? >> Sure do.

What’s your favorite Jim Carrey movie? >> The Number 23! I love that movie so much. Now I want to rewatch it.... I’m going to rewatch it. I’m going to spend four dollars to rent it on YouTube as soon as I’m finished with this smh, I can’t resist. It just hits me right where I live,  something about it is so intensely relatable for me, I don’t know. Probably because I’m haunted by a number, too. Runner-up for fave Carrey flick is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. There’s a knock at your door at 4 in the morning; what do you do? >> Nothing. Whoever it is, we have no business with them. Do you like peaches? >> Sure. Ever lost a best friend? >> No.

Ever heard of a town called Wadena? >> No. Have you ever been to a funeral? >> Yes. What’s your favorite sport? >> Figure skating. What do you think about homeschooling? >> I’m interested in it, and the ways in which it can be implemented. I’m also pretty against a lot of things about public schooling in America, so, you know. What do you think about French people? >> I don’t have any opinions about French people. Do you like your parents? >> They don’t like me, which I think settles the issue right there. What do you think about Minnesota? >> I don’t have any thoughts about Minnesota. Do/did you like high school? >> I did not. Do you have any Asian friends? >> I’m acquainted with a few Asian people. Is it cold where you live? >> Yes, still. I fucking hate it. Do you find accents attractive? >> I mean, not as a rule. I find the mechanics of language interesting, so that attracts me, I guess. Do you hate it when people make spelling mistakes? >> No. Would you ever let your boyfriend/girlfriend do your makeup? >> Sure. She knows more about it than I do. Do you like to shop? >> No. How long are you on the computer during a 24 hour period? >> For just about the entire time I’m awake, nowadays. When I’m not in quarantine, then it depends on what else is happening that day. Is money really that important? >> I mean, sure it’s important. I can’t believe that would ever be in question. Wars are fought over it, people suffer and die because they don’t have enough of it, and people lose their whole sense of compassion and empathy when they have too much of it. It’s important, all right. Have you ever broken a bone? >> Nope. Who is your favorite family member? >> --- What size bed do you have? >> Twin, because it’s the only size that would fit in this room without making it utterly claustrophobic. I bark my elbow on the wall and accidentally knock shit off my nightstand all the time, but at least it’s a real bed that belongs to me, for once. What age do you want to be married? >> Well, I was 32, so.

What’s the last thing your wrote? >> Like, longhand? I have no idea. What do you think of your town? >> I don’t care for it. When’s the last time you played hide & go seek? >> Thanksgiving or some holiday like that. I played with Edward, who is a toddler. I always play with him when we see his parents on holidays, even when it makes me tired (where do kids get all that energy???), because I like him.

[hasufin]

On aesthetics

My wife and I ran into an odd problem this weekend.

On Sunday we decided to go hit a few holiday markets, mostly trying to find some holiday cards. This was... not a rousing success. The Eastern Market was a disappointment - honestly the area is becoming a victim of gentrification, as chain stores are impinging on the very Market which gives the neighborhood its name, and putting the local places which draw people in out of business... but we’ll see how that goes. More importantly for yesterday the rainy weather meant fewer vendors and those indoors, so no cards. The Downtown Holiday Market was once again rather meh (honestly don’t know why we bother, it’s never much to see and always painfully crowded due to poor layout). So we went to the National Portrait Gallery and the NGA.

While there I learned my wife hadn’t been to either in over a decade. So we’re going to have to rectify that. But for that day we were both tired and had a specific goal: get holiday cards.

Right, NBD. Now, in the past this has run into a problem because of some basic requirements: not tacky, and not religious. Growing up my experience was that the season could be celebrated with pretty but explicitly religious imagery, or with tacky cartoon stuff that was only implied Christianity. I hate both versions. Since she’s not religious at all, this was something we could agree on.

But.

Aesthetically, I like very austere, calming, and perhaps even minimalist work. Sumi-E drawings and later Kanō school landscapes are totally my jam. Which means: plenty of white space, clear foreground, off-center subjects, limited color selection. Yes, some of my favorite works are done in subtle shades of grey, thank you.

Her? She likes baroque, and Persian work, and Ming. Stuff that literally gives me a headache. I cringe when she gushes “Isn’t this fabulous?” because I know it’s going to hurt my eyes.

This isn’t a moral difference, mind, just different tastes.

But it meant that finding something we both likes was really tough. Because I’m leaning toward serene winter landscapes to which she says “Meh.” and she pulls out something with colorful stuff in the foreground and I’m “Gah! No.” We eventually found some animal prints we both found acceptable, but even with the exceptional selection at the NGA it was tough.

I think it has a lot to do with our different ways of seeing the world. I have a hard time filtering sound and even visual input: at concerts the “wall of sound” and “euphoric sensory overload” stuff they like to go for makes me nauseous, whereas she can get bored in such venues. So I guess that extends to visuals as well.

It really is so odd, we have such different experiences of the world, but we do think so very similar internally.

[ibelieveinahappilyeverafter]

This post is just a vent about my deli job I have recently quit, so I’ll put it under a read more for those who dislike drama and anger. For those who do... read on.

SO. Last night I quit my job and left a note. I only had 5 shifts left in the family-owned store I worked at (in the Deli), but I could not handle one more night. I only work 4 nights a week, but I was in a sensory overload for hours while on dish duty (dealing with customers would have been so much worse), and, due to some early joint pain, my health status is Not Good; especially for a job where I am constantly moving, bending, and lifting heavy objects.

Last night was the third shift in a row where I cried while on shift because I was in so much pain and so overwhelmed. I should not be in so much pain after working a 5 hour shift; not when I’m twenty four (not when I’m so young). So I finished my shift instead of walking out because I liked the crew I was closing with and didn’t want to trouble them and then I left a note.

A few notes. One, I fudged the truth a little on being out of state, but the personal matters was true. If I didn’t quit when I did, I would have had a severe mental breakdown and possibly a physical one as well. My sister @thespiritofcliffhangers​ (who I’m tagging because she’ll see this anyways) can attest that my body is constantly cracking from joint tension and the like and I am constantly experiencing pain just trying to limp up the driveway and into the house most nights.

Two, the store I work at is in threat of going out of business (because their management is shit ninety-one years of business and then he takes over) and the Deli I work in often has people quitting. Someone quit the same day I did (it was her second or third day). People quit because it’s hard work, because they didn’t expect to feel so much pain, because they overwork us dangerously, or they’re fired for a bad attitude. I could get into a whole other rant about that (and about how they hire people out on parolee and then work them 60 hours a week).

So, I left a note. I can’t work my 5 remaining shifts - especially not three days in a row. I was already so close to breaking. Then I checked my messages this morning.

Wow, right? So, let’s break this down bit-by-bit.

One. So sorry you’re disappointed, but you are not my mother and I am not your misbehaving child; oh, but my manager, she sells the act well, doesn’t she? This entire message is as guilt tripping as my birth mother can be, so well done, Manager! You’ve really felt like family at the end there, but...

Two. I am not your family and you are not mine. You are my boss and I am your employee and no matter how friendly you are I am not going to sacrifice my life and health for a summer job.

Three. “All three times you have left early.” This is a lie. I left early the first time - a few days early - because of a medical condition. My entire right hand was covered in a rash and it burned to touch the sanitize water we used daily.  My co-workers agreed with me. Get out. The second time I completed all my days assigned to me. This time was the third. My friends and family agreed with me. Get out.

Four. Shirts? You only ever gave me one shirt and I could never afford another one. For three years I have been in an out of that store to work because nowhere else would take me and I needed money just to survive and they only ever gave me the one shirt for the Deli. Shirts? Fuck you.

Five. These messages read like one long guilt tripping message designed to make me feel bad about leaving.

What if I actually had a family emergency that required me to leave the state? I would be feeling guilt for leaving to take care of my family.

And if I told them I needed to quit because of my health? It would have been worse. It would have been countless words of how we’re all tired and how we need to work together and so much more.

I can’t get up and down the stairs without tearing up from pain. I can’t sit up for too long without my back hurting. I can’t even stand without feeling some kind of pain. I am twenty-four and you have worked me like a dog.

...

And you know what the worst part of all of this is? I have to make an entire argument and explanation just to feel justified in my choices. This was a part-time job I worked between school and over the summers and they made me feel like shit for putting my health first.

I should not be made to feel guilt over my health.

[weirdponytail]

So, I went clothes shopping today to get some ‘fancy’ black slacks and tan slacks. My mom’s adopted family lives in Palm Beach, and unfortunately events there, while not exactly black tie, range from ‘business attire’ to ‘if you wear a T Shirt, Jeans and Sneakers to the Bath and Tennis Club they will not let you in and/or will physically escort you off the grounds.’ Not a fan of the place but my ‘grandma’ D is like...90+ and asked us to be her guests to an event there and damn it I’ll do what it takes to make her smile.

But Ket and clothes shopping are not a good mix. That is...quite clear now.

Before I start this, honestly kinda hilarious looking back, thing, I want to make some things clear:

1. I’ve worn what’s basically some of the same clothes for 10+ years. Most aren’t the exact clothes, but things that I tracked down as being the same type/fit that has been phased out of circulation in most retail stores that I can find. Example: In high school one of my old friends would be able to identify me in a bathroom stall due to the fact that I was the only female in school that wore Straight leg, relaxed fit jeans. For some reason most pants in stores now are skinny fit/shaped/ect. I hate them.

2. Like most people in the world, I have some neurodivergent traits. I also have some, thankfully very rare nowadays, CPTSD issues and hypervigilance issues. Certain places/settings flip a switch in me that just freaks me out.

3. My late mother bought most of my clothes as a kid. Afterwards adult female friends would help me out, or I would buy from a second hand shop whenever I needed something.

4. No one was available to accompany me today. Besides the second hand shops, which are usually small and simple enough to not freak me out, I have not been clothes shopping alone. Ever.  

So. If it’s not clear, this was kinda a setup for a sitcom type clusterfuck of a shopping trip. 

First place I hit up was Target. My mom used to take me there all the time as a kid and I figured hey, they tend to have nice clothes. I’ll try there. I’m close by after some other errands anyway.

If you haven’t been to a Target, or at least the Target near me, They have a bright red scheme and do the whole massive store with big high fluorescent lights and whitish linoleum tiles. So there’s a lot of bright white lighting and the floor is sorta reflective so it is...ugh. I can’t describe it but it sets part of me off. I can tell I’m also physically reacting to it because my eyes get big and my head pulls back a bit. Imagine a cat thats owner just shoved something towards their face.

As I’m speed walking through the womens clothing wondering why the fuck half of it is Christmas themed clothes and why the fuck can’t I find business attire and holy fuck the store has changed so much (and I may have walked into a fucking mirror they had this weird as shit setup in part of the clothing department and the white lighting made it hard for me to distinguish shadows okay I was wigged. out.) I get this text message. 

This text message is from an app that my university classes use to set up group chats between classes and whatnot. Anyone in a group chat with you can do a private message to you. I check my phone and see that a girl from my mineralogy class has PMed me: 

‘Hey K i work @ tgt jst saw u bookin it thru wmns u look terrified u k?’ 

The message kinda helped me snap out of my little ‘oh god oh god oh god what is happening this isn't how it's supposed to be oh god oh god OH GOD’ phase and I told her that I am not a shopping person and was having a bit of a sensory overload and was gonna call it quits. Ended up seeing her in another section and after asking about business attire she honestly responded that the mall would be a better bet. And also asked about one of our lab assignments. 

So off to the Mall I went. 

I’ll post more of this later. XD just wanted to get it out of my head because holy FUCK this day was stressful.

[fkaedenstone]

Have you seen Eden “Edy” Stone Around New York? They look a lot like Brittany O’Grady but I don’t think they’ve ever realised it! Some people say they are ardent & resolute and serious & reticent. But all we know for sure is that they are twenty one, non-binary, pansexual and work as a record store clerk. I guess only time will tell but for now we’ll call them the prophet.

Eden Ayesha Stone wasn’t born with any choice but to survive. It was the only skill her mother managed to instill in her between bouts in county jail or stays in the local detox center, the will to survive. There were times that it was easier to survive, times when her mother was sober, even working, but more often than not survival was a struggle that no child should have to bear. Life went on whether Edy’s mother was there to take care of her or not, and she found herself trapped in a seemingly never ending routine. Disruption came in the form of two police officers in park looking for not Edy’s mother, but Edy herself.

While going through withdrawal in lock up Edy’s mother let slip that her daughter was sleeping on the streets alone. For Edy it was just another day, but the police didn’t see it that way. At first when they picked her up she thought they would take her to her mother, the only family in her life, but instead they took her to Child Protective services to start a new routine Edy would have to survive: Foster care. Although Edy was never actually alone as she traversed the families she was dumped with, she always felt more lonely than she ever did waiting for her mother to come back to her.

Her unusual ways, and timid demeanor made her a target for cruelty as she bounced from home to home; The girl who would rather sleep outside on the porch than in a warm bed, who barley spoke and saw sounds, who carried all her belongings with her even if she was only going out for a minute. It didn’t matter what happened to her body, the degradation caused by others and her own dependance on substances that down out the world around her; because in Edy’s mind, the only place that ever felt like home, she was free. What began as simple drawings in the corners of her school books became notebooks filled with sketches of the things Edy observed. Soon the notebooks weren’t big enough to hold Edy’s thoughts, and her artwork spilled onto every available surface: counters, desks, tables, walls, and floors. Edy had felt small for so long, but her art was bigger life; Unable to be bullied into submission or ignored.

The more her art spilled into the world, the more people took notice. Eventually Edy had friends, a family of sort, who introduced her to the art of graffiti. The combination of art and rebellion attracted Edy instantly, and soon there wasn’t a corner of the city not donning her tag: Stoney Don’t Fuck With 12. Of course the people who took notice weren’t all friends. It became common place for Edy to be gone from her foster homes for days, only turning up accompanied by the officers who had taken away her freedom in the first place. Most families just passed the delinquent on to the next home, and the ones that didn’t made sure she was reprimanded for what they described as acting out.

The more the world around Edy tried to silence her, the louder she got. She never made a decision not to go back to the system the night she climbed out of her window after tucking her young foster siblings into bed, but her feet had a mind of their own as they carried her to the park her mother always met her at when she was freed from her own imprisonment. Edy never expected her mother to show, but part of her hoped, prayed that her mother would be waiting for her on the bench like she had so many times before. It took weeks for Edy to give up, but after checking all of her mother’s haunts Edy finally made the decision to leave Atlanta behind her.

She didn’t know where she was going, she rarely does, but she began walking. When she couldn’t walk anymore she waited on the side of the highway until someone stopped for her. As a young girl, alone and unassuming, she never had to wait long. She went wherever the wind would blow her, leaving a trail of vandalism in her wake. The farther she traveled away from Atlanta the easier it became for her to breath. Even following her convoluted route Edy eventually made it to California where she found refuge on the beach. In California Edy met many other kids just like her, voices that the world had tried to silence, faces that had been forgotten, and when she heard a group of them were going to New York she jumped on the opportunity to leave her mark on the canvas of the city.

Although she lost her friends along the way Edy made it to New York in time to celebrate her 16th birthday. The city was different than any place she had experienced before, the sights and sounds overwhelming to her senses, the millions of eyes watching and waiting for something to happen. It began to take more and more substances to numb the world around her that seemed to scream. After a bad trip in the park Edy was arrested and put on a mental health watch. Once she was cleared to leave she was taken to a group home in the Bronx. It was there that Edy found some sense of what normal life was suppose to be like.

With one of the social worker at the home as her mentor Edy was able to graduate high school despite the fact that she had stopped attending school many years prior. For the first time in a long time Edy had someone on the outside of her busy mind who saw through her chaos. She started to make goals, real, tangible goals. After months of her mentor trying to get Edy to apply for colleges she applied for NYU hoping to study Philosophy and one day become a professor. She never thought she would be accepted, much less receive enough grants and scholarships to cover the cost of her higher education.

It’s been a couple years since she started at NYU, now a sophomore majoring in Philosophy, and minoring in Global and Urban Education Studies. She still lives in the Bronx, working at a small record store in one of the more gentrified parts of the city. In contempt of the amazing things she’s accomplished Edy still finds herself lost in the city, trying to numb the world around her while she screams in silence on the city walls.

What’s up it’s ya boi Spike. I’ve been playing Edy for over a year now so if you have any questions about her I’ll totally be able to answer. Let’s plot, let’s do something, I love any plot so hmu with whatever you got. Here is a tl;dr of her bio as I know it’s pretty long. If you read it all you’re a real one. 

History

Born in Atlanta, Georgia

Grew up homeless, sleeping in the local park, staying with someone her mom knew, or sometimes shelters

Despite her mother working hard to keep them together Edy was put into foster care

Discovered the world of graffiti as an escape from her abusive foster homes

Ran away to travel and pursue art eventually ending up in New York

Taking to a group home in the city where she finished high school thanks the mentorship of a social worker there

Attends NYU’s Philosophy program on a full scholarship 

Fun Facts

Edy is a she/her nonbinary person

Works at a record store, sometimes DJs parties for extra cash

Is a street artist under the name Stoney (Don’t Fuck With 12)

Has synesthesia, and tetrachromacy, as well as other heighten or sensitive senses this makes too much stimuli very overwhelming for her

Often wears sunglasses when feeling overloaded by sensory information

Because of her test scores and background was given several grants and scholarships to go to NYU

She may seems a little spacey, but she’s really thoughtful the spacey-ness comes from her inability to stop using drugs she shouldn’t be doing in the first place

[strife-and-discord]

A Series of Firsts- Chapter 5

Read on AO3 here

First - Previous 

Characters: Yamada Hizashi/Present Mic, Todoroki Shouto

Summary: Shouto needs some new clothes to fill his new bedroom so Hizashi takes him shopping.

A/N: Sorry this took so long but I’m back again! In this chapter, I wanted to explore some of the long-lasting consequences Endeavour’s behaviour had on Shouto and also give him an opportunity to bond with Hizashi. I’m low on ideas at the moment so if you have any requests for this fic feel free to send them in!

As usual, this story is inspired by @deafmic  ‘s fic “Responsibility” which I highly recommend you go read, as it is a wonderful story.

Since Hizashi and Shouta have officially adopted him and he’s going to be staying with them from now on, they’ve been going through the long and arduous process of transferring all of Shouto’s old stuff to his new room. Shouto didn’t really want to go back to the old house so Fuyumi has been bringing over any leftover belongings she finds there. He really can’t thank her enough for how supportive she’s been throughout all of this. Hizashi noticed while he was unpacking that Shouto didn’t really have any clothes that had, as he put it, any “personality” so now he wanted to take him shopping.

To be honest the thought of going shopping feels a bit overwhelming at the moment. Shopping centres are full of people and people are loud and will probably make a big fuss over him if he’s seen out in public. There’s also the overpowering build-up of smells coming from the many food stalls that often make him feel sick. Hizashi had seen the look of worry on Shouto’s face and had told him that he didn’t have to go if he didn’t want to, but Shouto knows that he really does need to go shopping and it won’t do him any good to just hide from the things that scare him. Besides, it probably just seems really bad because he hasn’t been in a while and his father never really cared when he had what he now knows is a sensory overload. Things are different now, he’ll have Hizashi with him, who will make sure they can leave as soon as Shouto feels even a little overwhelmed.

He’s still trying to get used to having a proper say in how things go. Even just being able to make a decision based on how’s he feeling rather than what’s logical is a new experience for him. It’s hard not to fall back on old habits and push himself harder then he needs too. Every day he’s thankful that he’s got Hizashi and Shouta to help guide him. Shouta says it’s okay, normal even, to sometimes relapse into harmful behaviour and it may still happen even years from now although he should at least be better at dealing with it by then.

It should be ok to push himself a little bit though. Shopping isn’t a big deal and It’s not like the other bad habits that he normally does secretly or without thought. Hizashi even made sure to pick a day that hopefully won’t be too busy. There’s still enough people that Shouto feels nervous and he can’t help but pull the beanie he was wearing to conceal himself down a bit further. At least shopping has died down a bit since Christmas and New year have just passed.

As well as some new clothes, Hizashi is also hoping that they’ll be able to get some stuff for Shouto’s new room, although Shouto doesn’t think he would be able to manage both on one trip. Just the thought that Hizashi and Shouta are willing to let him choose out anything he wants for his new room is overwhelming on its own. As happy as he is to have the freedom of choice it’s… hard. If the last few weeks have taught him anything it’s that he’s apparently a very indecisive person and having someone make your every major life decision for you is a hard hole to crawl out of. Shouto’s never even had to consider what sort of posters he would like on his walls, which bedspread appeals to him, and whether or not he’d like to put any stuff on his shelves.

At the moment it feels like a lot of responsibility but Shouta and Hizashi have been really patient with him. He can’t help but feel a bit stupid over the fact that he struggles with something as simple as making his own choices but Shouta and Hizashi keep telling him that it’s not uncommon for kids in situations like his and he’ll learn to develop his own tastes in time. For the time being at least, Hizashi said he’s happy to help him pick out some stuff to fill his new accommodations.

As they begin their journey into the bowels of the shopping centre, Shouto feels a strong need to hold on to Hizashi’s hand but quickly brushes off the impulse as childish. However, much to his delight, Hizashi places a hand around his shoulder and looks down at him with a grin.

“Just so we don’t lose each other,” Hizashi says.

Just having that familiar weight on his shoulder instantly helps him to relax. This isn’t like when he was younger and he could either keep up with his father or get left behind, no matter how much he was suffering. Hizashi only has his best interests in mind and definitely won’t leave him behind if there’s something wrong.

They wander through the shopping centre and since Hizashi is holding on to him anyway, he takes the time to look around. Thankfully, no one seems to recognise him with his beanie on so no one’s paying him any mind. Most of the people there are families, probably getting ready for the new school year, Shouto used to get jealous when he saw them considering his family was always pretty broken. Now, he tries to look for similarities between them and what he has now. He thinks right now he most resembles the younger children being dragged along behind their flustered mothers. They look just as spaced out as he is right now.

Shouto comes to the realisation that they’ve stopped when Hizashi gives him a light shake. They’ve made it all the way to the men’s section of the clothing store and to be honest, Shouto is actually impressed by how little of the journey he processed.  

“Well, here we are kiddo-” Hizashi gestures over the selection of clothing like a ringmaster at the circus- “Go mad, choose whatever the hell you want, and feel free to ask if you want some help.”  

Shouto takes a moment to look over the clothing and try to figure out some sort of strategy. Shouto’s never really considered the clothes he wears before, he always just picked out the clothes he thought would piss off his Father the least but Hizashi says that his wardrobe is ridiculously plain for a teenage boy. In short, Shouto has no idea where to start.

He looks over to Hizashi who’s dressed in civvies for the shops. By now Shouto can recognise that Hizashi has a fairly distinct and unique style today, for example, he’s got sparkly leggings in colours that make his legs look like mermaid scales, a denim, halter neck crop top that leaves his back exposed, and his typical black leather jacket to cover up. Shouta always calls Hizashi’s style tacky but Shouto can’t deny that he really likes shiny things.

He starts to move through the aisles of clothing so Hizashi doesn’t get too concerned with him. He doesn’t think he really has the confidence to wear something as outgoing as what Hizashi’s wearing and he already draws enough attention as it is with his appearance. Not to mention how difficult it is to find outfits that match a candy cane coloured palette.

Hizashi must have noticed his hesitance because he calls out to him, “Just pick out anything that catches your eye for now. You can worry about whether it looks good later.”

The logic is perfectly sound, it’s just that Shouto’s brain won’t execute it. There are definitely items he thinks, ‘Wow, that looks nice,” but his thoughts insist on spiralling down a path of, ‘Oh it’s too bright,’ ‘It’s too flashy,’ and, ‘Something like that will never look good on me.’ He’s so used to wearing conservative clothes that he doesn’t even know how to shop for anything else at this point.

He can feel himself starting to get worked up when suddenly there’s a warm presence at his back, “Hey kiddo, it’s okay. Just take a big breath now.” Shouto follows through on the suggestion trying to let the tension out of his muscles the way Hizashi and Shouta had taught him. “Alright, how about you just show me the clothes you like and I’ll grab ‘em so you don’t have to think to hard about it,”

Shouto nods and goes back to looking at the clothes. It turns out when Hizashi said ‘show me,’ he wasn’t actually expecting Shouto to physically do anything, he just grabs everything Shouto looks at for more than a second. The collection they’ve racked up is of stuff Shouto would never have the confidence to buy of his own and he’s a little nervous to try it on. It does make him feel better if he thinks of it as Hizashi wanting him to try on the clothes.

The first thing he tries is a pale pink jumper that has a little-embroidered strawberry over the breast. Shouto thinks it looks soft and the colour is one of the few that probably suits him, but he’s hesitant because he’s worried what people will think of a boy wearing pink. He just stands and stares in the mirror for a little while before he finally works up the courage to go show Hizashi.

As soon as he steps out, looking down to hide his face, he hears quiet applause. When he looks up Hizashi is grinning like a maniac as he claps and Shouto can’t help but look at him wide-eyed.

“Y… You like it…?” Shouto can feel himself blushing.

Hizashi jumps up from where he was sitting, “Are you kidding me, kid?! I love it!”

Shouto winces a little at his volume, but he’s starting to get used to Hizashi’s naturally loud tones, he’s just worried about attracting too much attention from others.

“Do you really like it?” Shouto can’t help but make sure, “It’s not too… outgoing?”

Hizashi’s face softens at that and he steps forward to hold Shouto by the shoulders, “It is a bit outgoing, but that’s not a bad thing Shouto. You look great and I promise you other people are only going to think the same thing.”

Shouto bites his lip and looks away but Hizashi gently pulls eyes back to his, “It’s okay if you’re still a bit apprehensive. These things take time. But I promise, no one’s going to be upset with you,” Hizashi gives him a mischievous smirk, “and you will never look worse then I do on a daily basis.”

Shouto can’t help but chuckle a bit at that, “I don’t think you look so bad, you can pull off anything.”

Hizashi gives him a soft pat on the shoulder, “Well you know, the secret to pulling off anything has nothing to do with how you look, it’s about having the confidence to wear it.”

He musters up a small smile for Hizashi, “I’ll try and do my best.”

Hizashi grins at him and heads back to his seat, “Well? You ready to try on the rest?”

Shouto just nods at him and heads back into the dressing room filled with a feeling more akin to excitement instead of nerves.

[magma-paint]

Well, I think I finally figured it out. The constant anxiety attacks over school and tests, the frustration that I can’t retain information like I used to and the vitamin supplements I’ve been taking to fix my memory and focus just aren’t working, the constant fear of failure as a result, all of it, it traces right back to my job.

Working retail, while it’s given me job experience and pays the bills, has NOT had any positive effect on my mental health in the three years I’ve worked it (though you could probably bump that up to 5 years if you count my first job working at the truckstop food court). It’s had an astronomically bad effect on my ability to focus and especially my ability to retain information, both of which I’ve been needing increasingly as I work toward finishing my degree and the courses get harder and harder and more and more demanding, with both Structural Geology and Linear Algebra being prime examples of this and the consequences coming from reduced memory and ability to focus. I found that I work best on assignments when I have some kind of quiet or have some kind of sounds I like going on in the background, such as relaxing music from Pokemon, Homestuck, Jak and Daxter, quiet piano or Celtic music and absolutely hate it when I’m trying to study on the bus or in the library or another designated classroom because it’s way too loud and disruptive. However, the problem starts coming in when cashiering gets involved. It’s noisy, the acoustics of the building amplify the most grating sounds, it’s a sensory overload nightmare I have to tough out for up to eight hours (probably nine because the sound can’t be escaped in the break room and the annoying medley of coworker banter, text ringtones, and videos and mobile games plague it because apparently no one’s heard of headphones and I’ll probably be seen as an asshole if I say anything about it). In response, I’ve developed a kind of autopilot I just switch to when it’s insanely busy where all of it becomes registered as ignore-able background noise and you need to speak loud and clear to get my attention. Cashiering is also insanely monotonous and brainless; all you’re doing is standing there, scanning things, pressing buttons, and that’s it. All the calculations are being done for you. There are no opportunities to do something else related to the front end or seek the department manager of wherever you’re trying to transfer to. It’s just one continuous stream of nothing that will surprisingly exhaust you physically though mentally is the target. And the final piece is the setup. Once the customer leaves, the slate gets wiped clean so the next one can be taken care of and the previous one isn’t occupying your attention any longer. They’re out of the picture once the transaction is completed and the bags are gathered. Rinse and repeat until the end of the shift.

In order, the noise problem still affects my ability to study, but it’s bleeding into my focus in the lecture as the autopilot kicks in and registers the lecture as white noise, even when I’m paying attention to what’s being written on the board or shown in the powerpoint. I’m at the point where I cannot accurately register what is important information that needs to be kept and what’s auditory garbage that can just be filtered out. So that one formula or important facet of geologic structures that’s absolutely key to doing good on the exam is most likely going to be registered as trash and filtered out. This is especially bad when you take into account that I can’t write notes fast enough and neat enough that they’ll make sense later, and if you’re like my current math teacher, good luck finding that information again because it’s nowhere in the book and I can’t find any sites that address it exactly without demanding money (instructors, please stop including problems on homework that never get covered in class and are hard to get access to if we don’t understand it). The monotony and brainlessness that comes with cashiering should go without saying. It’s wired me to do the task quickly and move on if it’s taking too long to sort out. As a result, if I’m not grasping the concept immediately, I’m going to abandon it entirely which will make it even harder to revisit if it’s going to be on the test and I’m still struggling with it. That’s how my grade starts suffering. As for the exhaustion, I obviously can’t work on homework at the register even when it’s completely dead in the store and we might only see one or two customers in an hour and a half. I try to work on it during breaks but idiots will make you want to clear your head and not even think about cracking open the book. Some people have suggested reviewing the concepts mentally while scanning, and I have tried it. It didn’t work and on top of that it only made me more exhausted and wore me out much faster than if I was completely blank or retreating into my mind to sort out my characters and their stories. In fact, it only made the information even harder to recall. And the final nail in the coffin is the new customer, dump old information setup. After doing this for so long, you cannot expect me to pick up a book, do the assigned reading, and be able to remember a thing I read or a concept within once I put the book down any more. No joke, I’ve forgotten important notes I’ve taken and concepts covered in class entirely within five minutes after class is dismissed. I’ve forgotten assignments that covered stuff that was going to be on the test even after focusing and working on the problems diligently. And that’s even factoring in essential oils and brain health vitamins I use for the sole purpose of helping me focus on schoolwork. That is how awful my memory and focus have become as a result of three years of cashiering.

I suppose it gets even worse when the only anchor for my sanity, drawing and exploring my characters’s stories, have become a double edged sword if not an outright curse. While I quickly exhaust at work if I think about my school stuff, thinking about my characters, their stories, and some headcanons I have about the world that Cuphead takes place it tends to keep me steady and from wanting to just rip off the vest and leave with a deadpan “I’m out of here” right in the middle of a rush or outright collapsing into a tired pile of frustration that just ran out of patience for your stupid “It won’t scan? Must be free today!” jokes. But it quickly becomes a vicious cycle when the stress of everything escalates and the only thing I know how to do is retreat into fantasy, which ends up becoming the least productive thing I can do to what really matters. What it comes down to is that working retail has left a disastrous impact on my academic abilities, especially in areas where focus and concentration are an absolute necessity, and during the semester has turned my favorite pastime and sanity anchor into an absolute hindrance to my studies. It’s going to take me down and take everything else with it just for the sake of keeping a reliable worker drone in the company.

Retail is a dead-end job and the only benefit I can see to it anymore is that it does pay the bills. The 10% employee discount isn’t enough of a perk to keep me there (funnily enough, when my older sister worked at Walmart part-time when she was in college years ago, the discount was 20%) and I don’t want to put down for the health/retirement/vision care plans because it’ll just keep me there longer and make it harder to leave and more of a hassle to get a new plan together after leaving. And with what it’s doing to my ability to get through the rest of school, it’s not even worth it to stay with Walmart. This is why I launched commissions and have planned to make a webcomic that could bring in fan funding from those who wanted to support the project. If I could get both off the ground and enough people coming in who’d like to pay me to make them some art, I could quit the retail job and cut out all the problems that it’s been causing me. In fact, I’m about to send out my priceboards again and get those circulating to see if I can get some business. In the meantime, I’m also going to try and get a position on campus as a TA for one of the earlier Geology courses offered or something productive that would help with my studies and reverse the damage retail has had. If you want, you can check out my commissions page to see how you can help out--I’m even gonna offer a Christmas discount for orders through January 7th if you wanna take advantage of it--or you can always support me at Ko-Fi if you don’t have enough for a full-blown commission.

And now, with that off my chest, I’m going to get back to studying for the time being and finishing my Studio MDHR portfolio. I know this post has been insanely long, but it’s something that’s just been building up and building up until I can’t ignore it anymore.

[actually-impostor]

Spoilers under the cut, my ideas and impressions of today’s episode

-0-

[Me, screaming in the background]

Okay so first is good that Thomas admits to feel bad, is okay to express the feelings he has, that’s good.

Virgil was trying to be gentle once he realized that Thomas actually feels sad, but seeing as this new approach didn’t work he took the usual job he had [Okay, guess im gonna have to kick in here for a sec. Thomas! you are wasting time-]

This whole dialog was amazing “I’ve just been thinking” “Thinking about?” “Guys” “What else is new?”

Virgil cursed [even tho it was censored. WHO TAUGHT MY CHILD HOW TO CURSE?!]

Virgil also asked for help to deal with something he wasn’t equipped for

Logan was the first one to come up [because Roman and Patton where busy]

“I’m just… frustrated!” “Hi just frustrated! I’m sad!- I mean-”

There… Like look I understand Logan doesn’t really get emotions too well, but he changed the focus of the actual issue, instead concentrating on the fact that Patton was wearing what could very well be a comfort object [The cat onesie]

Roman has been trying to get back Thomas’s love… and he’s been thinking about it for a while. This is not a new issue

“That old cardigan just wears me down!” yet at the same time the cardigan represents a part of the past, a physical representation of who Patton was once in a time

Virgil is doing the work of the Straight Man in comedy, which is something we’ve only seen Logan do and Virgil only takes that role as a last resource type of thing [like when the others were being too affected by his room, he was also forced to take control of the situation]

Patton stops smiling just to immediately force a smile back and show off a happy persona far stronger than he usually does

Patton tries to steer the conversation to Harry Potter, which is something all the sides have shown to enjoy.

Thomas makes a point about the feelings being hard to solve and it being hard to let go of a past relationship, but Roman feels too pushy regarding going back to this person they all miss in one way or another

But when Roman realizes his… ideas are starting to really annoy the others [or at least Virgil] he makes a point of making it pass like a joke, which we all know it isn’t. He actually is the one looking more affected regarding this break up

Patton called it “But what if looking at the past makes you feel kind of… iffy, about the present”

Is because of Logan’s, surprising, overlook at how big of a role Anxiety is regarding a lot of situations that they find themselves stuck in this. He ignores Patton’s concerns and disregards Virgil’s worries (“yeah… you really think is a good idea for him to be soaking in a big ol’ tube of the past?” “Well, granted, there have been many views on the concept of nostalgia […]”

Virgil reigning in and rejecting all of Roman’s ideas

“That circumstances can improve” “Can and will!” “Can, let’s not jump the gun here” “Can they?” “Can they?”

Everyone turns to look at Patton, because what he says goes against his happy-go-lucky persona, and because his voice [even if still slightly different] sounds pretty similar to Virgil’s there.

The second they all look at him Patton takes a second to regroup and forces a smile again, he stands up stiff and straight, and his smile looks unconvincing but practiced

Virgil can’t handle sudden jump scares, or loud noises

Patton seems hesitant to let them into his room for the simple reason that, since he isn’t the happy-go-lucky Patton today his room might have the contrary effect than the wished for. Because Patton is Feelings [instead of Just Happy Feelings] everything Thomas already feels will be heightened. Even his sadness.

This actually shows that it’s not just Virgil’s [or Thomas’s Anxiety] fault that the nostalgia exercise isn’t working. Is actually on him, Logan and Patton. Thomas feels a lot, of everything, all his feelings are really heightened in general so going to a room that can heighten them even more when he isn’t feeling his best? Is a big oversight regarding logic analysis

Logan in his attempt to help Thomas deal with this situation has step over Patton’s choices and feelings… a lot actually, he is constantly doing so during this video. Enough times that when Patton gives up (“Patton, don’t you wanna help Thomas move on?” “Yeah, of course I will love that! But-” “Good, then it’s decided” “ookay…”) Virgil tries to jump up to his defense, getting immediately interrupted by Roman

“Please Romano” [my new favorite line]

Instead of a clock Patton has a forever changing picture frame

Logan was trying to really drive it home that he thinks Thomas is wasting his time in theater instead of going for the more “correct path” of science

Virgil’s corner of the room, so much cringe, I love it

Now we know why Thomas decided to study chemical engineer, which Logan is still really upset about because, I think it’s worth noting, again

Roman and Logan rapping, that was amazing, then Thomas joined in and it was even more amazing

Virgil going thru war flashbacks of embarrassment

Patton went from being really reluctant about letting them into his room to being extremely excited, almost like forced excitement. Is this the effect his room has?

We now know that Roman and Virgil accidentally worked with each other to help Thomas be an angsty edgy teenager and im so happy I can actually type that

“Times where amazing back there, some might say even better” “Wait-”

AKA when Logan realized he might have messed up

“[…] the future has in store!” “*Virgil hums slightly not okay*” “Virgil, are you okay?” “*non-verbal answer, shake of the head*”

Then we see Logan noticing how the others are getting way too affected by the room. Roman going up in excitement levels and Virgil shifting his eyes from side to side, not looking at anyone in the eyes and hiding behind the folder he has in hands, then he sighs frustratedly

Logan revelation that he might have messed up, by making a really anxious person remember the past, a past that is shiny and full of happy nostalgia because Thomas anxiety forces him to compare his present to a pass where everything was way easier and shiny with the hope of a better future [or honestly that might be me projecting]

Virgil’s voice shift, which he immediately tries to hide

Logan starts to get very frustrated because he can’t understand the emotion, and he can’t see how Thomas is unable to actually look forward when his feelings are in control of what he currently thinks and see. He takes his frustration out on Patton (“All because Patton can’t let go o a single person?”)

And then we see how this actually affects Patton, the only time in which he actually allows himself to show how this is affecting him. To the point where he cuts Logan off.

The thing is, the room might be affecting Logan more than we can actually see. He snaps, he doesn’t act logically and flees the room, not bothering to correct Roman even when he excist the frame

He flees, leaving behind Virgil who is the most visibly and explicitly affected by the room [his shame and embarrassment at the memories, his voice shift, how he starts showing signs of a sensory overload]

Virgil’s and Patton’s face when Logan disappears are of fear, shock, and hurt.

And just so any other things that i neglected to look at more closely and this is waaaay too long so there’s also that but. My feelings, im slightly scared.

[followingmywanderlust]

Taking A Bite Out of The Big Apple

I have never been a city person. As a kid the tall structures and heavy population made me anxious and I always preferred the countryside. I was intimidated by the honking of the cars throughout the night, the narrow sidewalks filled with people, the dozens of different scents from the restaurants that lined the streets, and the sounds of various street performers. Going to the city was a sensory overload for me and I often left a little bit spooked.

My recent trip to New York City, however, changed my mind. NYC is an excellent place to travel to and there are activities and beautiful spots that are always within walking distance of you. I am fortunate enough to have friends who share a passion for travel and adventure, but as college students we often find ourselves limited by money. We found plenty of activities to do to fill our three days in the city without spending hundreds of dollars. NYC is an enormous city and I only got to experience some of it,  but based off of what I saw, the Big Apple is a place you should add to your bucket list. Below I have outlined the highlights of my trip, and things you should know before you take on the city.

JERSEY CITY

We started our journey in Jersey City which is where we stayed overnight. After sleeping two nights in this city, I realized it is a great place to both escape and experience NYC. Many younger people who work in Manhattan often stay in Jersey City because of cheaper rents. Just across the street from the apartment complex we were staying at was a beautiful view of the city. The streets in Jersey City were a lot quieter, and only a trolley would pass every once in a while. In comparison to NYC's crowded sidewalks, Jersey City is a lot quieter. Those individuals who are out seem to be heading to the subway to get to the city and are not looking to walk around. NYC is just a short subway or ferry ride away, so if you need to escape the busy city life at night, Jersey City is right next door.

TRANSPORTATION

During our trip we only took the subway and walked in order to save as much money as possible. The subways were usually very crowded and at one point we had to run along the platform to find a car that the three of us could fit into (we made it though!). The subways were fairly affordable but after going back and forth to Jersey City every day and other locations in NYC, the costs added up. A one-way fare from Jersey City to Manhattan is $2.75. We bought our tickets at the station's PATH vending machine with both cash and cards and only ran into trouble when one of the vending machines didn't work (to learn more about the PATH fares click  here). The subways are very clean and efficient and we took one in every day from Jersey City to  The Oculus. The Oculus houses the World Trade Center Transportation Hub in Manhattan for the PATH system. The Oculus is located right next to the 9/11 Memorial, and subways depart from and arrive at The Oculus from multiple locations. Of course in the city in addition to the subway there are taxis, Ubers, and Lyfts, but we opted to walk instead.

THE MOST ICONIC SPOTS

THE OCULUS

Opened in 2016, The Oculus has the most interesting architecture I have seen. The Oculus is located in lower Manhattan next to the 9/11 Memorial and serves as a hub for Manhattan. I took the subway into The Oculus from Jersey City every morning and departed from there every night, so I got to experience a lot of the cool features that the building has. The subway ride between the two cities took around 7 minutes and flew by. It is a very open concept with beautiful lighting at night. It is entirely white which felt like the train station straight out of the last Harry Potter movie. The Oculus has a variety of small stores for visitors to go to. For the most part, my experience with the building was getting in and out so I didn't get the chance to shop, but I did take the stairs to the top level of the structure which provides a very beautiful view of the building's entirety. From the outside, the building looks even more unique as it contrasts against the black, tall buildings that surround it.

BROOKLYN BRIDGE

At over 1.1 miles long, the bridge makes an excellent walk with a view on both sides of the city as it leaves Manhattan and crosses over the East River to Brooklyn. The bridge is typically very crowded as it is a tourist attraction, so be aware that there will be people on either side of you at almost all times. Don't be like me and wear heels to walk across this bridge, as you will be much more comfortable in sneakers or tennis shoes. There is the option to bike across the bridge as well but it may be difficult considering the amount of people walking on the bridge.  Make sure to bring your camera because along the bridge are some beautiful views - you can even see the Statue of Liberty if you look closely (it looks tiny from the bridge). While walking the bridge you'll see almost everyone stopping for photos and climbing (safely) on the rails to get the best pictures. Just be aware of your surroundings so that you do not bump into anyone!

Once off the bridge there are plenty of spots that make for excellent views from afar -- all you have to do is walk around! We found  Soho House, a tall brick building near Main Street Park, where we climbed to the top floor where we discovered an outdoor space with beautiful brick arcs that framed the bridge perfectly. In front of the house is a picture-perfect walkway with a stunning view of Brooklyn Bridge on the water - a great spot for photos without crowds of people in the background. There are various parks surrounding the bridge such as Main Street Park and Brooklyn Bridge Park that have carousels and gorgeous views of the city and bridge.

STATUE OF LIBERTY

I did not get the chance to actually go to the Statue of Liberty, but while crossing the Brooklyn Bridge I was able to see it. I used my camera to zoom in on the statue to get a better view and I was able to take the photo below. Next time I go to NYC I will be sure to visit the statue as it holds such historical significance for our country.

DUMBO

One of the best photo spots for the Brooklyn Bridge is at a place called Dumbo; and no, it has nothing to do with the elephant that can fly from Disney. Dumbo is actually short for "Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass" - cool, right! Dumbo is located in Brooklyn, and the iconic photo spot is located at the intersection of Washington and Front Streets. Influencers, bloggers, and tourists all love this spot for the perfect framing of the bridge between two brick buildings. Your photo may not come out picture perfect as there are crowds of people and cars, but it still is a great spot to see.

ROCKEFELLER CENTER

I visited New York City right after Christmas which was the perfect time to visit the Rockefeller Center. Rockefeller Center is located in Midtown Manhattan and has many places to shop, eat, and see the city. Because of the time of year, the center was packed with people almost everywhere. The Christmas tree is bigger than any Christmas tree I have seen before - It's hard to miss! Additionally, right near St. Patrick's Cathedral there was a light show that lasted only a few minutes but went along to different songs. We grabbed Ben & Jerry's ice cream at a complex located right next to the tree for a yummy desert before we headed back to Jersey City.

ST. PATRICK’S CATHEDRAL

I was astounded when I first saw this cathedral because the beautiful architecture and color stood out in the midst of black skyscrapers and the dark sky. St. Patrick's Cathedral is one of the most interesting buildings I have seen and I was only able to experience it from the outside. The white, rigid structure has beautiful sculptings and patterns within the windows, and archways exaggerated the older yet polished exterior. The cathedral is very long and its brilliant design is not just visible in the front. I was able to walk along the outside of the cathedral and though I did not get the chance to go inside I can only imagine that the inside matches the beauty of the outside.

TIMES SQUARE

Despite only experiencing Times Square from afar, I could tell that it was a hub of the city. Times Square is only an 8 minute walk from the Rockefeller Center and even from afar you can see that people are crowded everywhere. Electronic billboards and neon signs lined the streets making for some great photographs. We didn't go to the center of Times Square, but I was able to experience it at a glimpse at the intersection of W 49 St. and Broadway. I plan to return to Times Square in the future in order to truly experience the beauty of all of the buildings and shops that surround the area.

FOOD

CHICONNIS

Located right off of the Brooklyn Bridge and outside of Main Street Park in Brooklyn sits  Cecconi, a higher-end restaurant that has a beautiful view. The interior of the restaurant is extremely luxurious with white brick walls, different colored comfortable seating, and beautiful art that lines the walls. We were given the brunch menu and I decided to go out of my comfort zone and try something new. I ordered the eggplant parmigiana which was delicious, but also super filling - I couldn't finish it! I also decided to treat myself and get a juice as well (which was on the pricier side), but the customer service that came along with it was excellent. A waiter came out with a glass and opened the juice and poured it in for me, and gave me the rest in the bottle for later. I got the watermelon juice which had a very strong gingery taste which I could only drink a little at a time, but for experienced juice-drinkers (if that is a thing!) I think this juice would be delicious. I am not a coffee drinker, but my friends absolutely adored their lattes, and they even came with a little biscuit on the side. Overall, this restaurant had great customer service once we sat down and our food was made swiftly. The only issue we had was our wait time even after making a reservation; the restaurant was incredibly busy when we went and even though we made a reservation we had to wait around a half hour to be seated. I think the food and quality customer service made up for it though! I would recommend this restaurant to anyone for a nice meal in a beautiful spot as long as they make a reservation ahead of time.

THE STANDARD GRILL

The Standard Grill is attached to The Standard hotel in the Meatpacking District which is located in the west side of Manhattan. We went to the grill for brunch and we were met with a surprisingly extensive menu which can be seen  here. We struggled to pick our food with so many delicious options, but we were able to make some good choices in the end. While we were waiting for our food we were able to admire the beautiful space that let in a lot of natural light and was lined with green plants that made the atmosphere welcoming and comfortable. I got the Smoked Salmon Platter which was TO DIE FOR. The food was so yummy that we couldn't fit in room for dessert. My platter was arranged very nicely as I was able to construct my own sandwich, and the customer service was excellent as well. In the downstairs of the grill (where the bathrooms are) there was a small photo booth that we felt like we had to take advantage of and we were even sent a digital copy afterwards. I'm no restaurant connoisseur, but this restaurant was a little more on the pricey side for a brunch meal, but the quality of the food definitely lines up with the price - you get what you pay for! The grill wasn't nearly as popular as the Cecconi restaurant so we had no wait time at all which was a huge plus especially after walking a few miles through the city and wanting to sit down.

PHOTO OPPORTUNITIES

ROOFTOP VIEW 

While walking around the Meatpacking District, we stumbled upon this perfect rooftop view located in Restoration Hardware, an interior design store. We walked through the store and saw some stunning furniture (which we definitely couldn't afford) and we climbed the stairs to the top level where there are sliders that open up to an open view. We weren't even sure if the sliders opened, but we decided to give it a try. No one else was on the overlook giving us the freedom to enjoy the view and take photos on our own. This store was a great place for some classic city photos without the crowds. Remember to keep your eyes open for spots like these when you're exploring the city, you never know what you will find!

COLORED WALLS

During my visit we stumbled upon a bunch of very artistic walls located outside of The Oculus that made for some excellent photos. There were neon colors, different patterns, black and white, and overall a great place to snap some pics with a cool backdrop. These walls were a part of The Reflection Project by Yoko Ono in which the walls aim to invite people off of the streets to engage with their "personal reflection."

WALKING

Because we wanted to save some money, we walked almost everywhere through the city. Every day we walked at least 5 miles (one day we walked 7!) which was totally worth the sore feet. If you choose to walk, make sure you dress comfortably with sneakers that can help you get to your destination painlessly. We got to see the city from the ground level and walking allowed us to find some great photo spots along the way. During our stay we totally lucked out with the weather being almost 50° every day which made my experience so much better. Traveling on your own two feet gives you the ability to adventure a little bit and go off the roads to find some pretty unique spots. Now, you don't have to walk 5 miles, but make sure to walk around when you're in the city to find some great places for pictures with stunning views.

CONCLUSION

New York City definitely surprised me. I was able to walk throughout the city freely and I saw some pretty amazing art, views, and architecture all the while getting some great exercise. The child who was once scared of skyscrapers and crowds had disappeared. I found myself in the crowds looking at all of the families trying to scramble together and take a picture, couples that were hugging underneath the christmas tree, and photographers yelling out to strangers trying to take their photos. I was able to see all different types of people and rather than anxiously pushing through crowds to get some fresh air as I had when I was a kid, I took a step back and observed my surroundings. Instead of getting dizzy looking at tall buildings, I glanced inside the windows and saw beautifully arranged apartments, people partying, and individuals looking out telescopes. As a photographer I found the city to be photographable at almost any location, but I realized the importance of retracting my eye from the viewfinder of my camera and taking in the city life. Being with my two best friends made this adventure infinitely better as I had people I could trust and make memories with for the duration of my stay. I highly recommend traveling to NYC to experience the stunning architecture, unexpected discoveries, and delicious food. Now go find some friends and schedule a trip to NYC!

for more content visit: https://kyliebreenphotography.com/2020/04/18/taking-a-bite-out-of-the-big-apple/

[opticien2-0]

Online retailers urged to improve website accessibility for all abilities in light of Purple Tuesday

Web design experts are calling for online retailers to improve their website accessibility, as customer experience for disabled people still lags behind progress made in physical stores.

  The accessibility onus has now shifted to the online retail sector, following efforts from high street retailers, such as introducing a weekly “quiet hour” to provide a welcoming environment for shoppers with autism.

  However, not all retailers have welcomed change and are willing to facilitate users of different abilities. Domino’s Pizza is involved in an on-going legal battle, in the United States, as a visually impaired user claims he is unable to access the company’s app or website, which is against the country’s disability legislation. Domino’s argues that the laws were written before the advent of the internet and therefore should not apply to a digital business.

  As 12 November 2019 marks Purple Tuesday, a day dedicated to the awareness of the purple pound – the spending power of disabled people – user experience (UX) and digital agency, Sigma, is calling for greater consideration in the design and functionality of websites.

  Hilary Stephenson, managing director at user experience (UX) agency, Sigma, says: “There has been a step change in recent years as retailers welcome those of all abilities in-store, however there’s still lots to be done when it comes to online accessibility. The responsibility is on all businesses, whatever their size or sector, to ensure their services are accessible - as nearly one in five people in the UK has a disability or impairment. Better accessibility should not be an option, or consideration in hindsight, it should be a central customer experience consideration from the start.”

  Research by disability charity, Purple, revealed that three-quarters (75%) of disabled people have had to leave a physical store or website because they were unable to finish a purchase due to their disability.

  Some of the most common examples of inaccessible websites and bad UX design practice include cluttered layouts, excessive pop-ups and intrusive adverts, hard to find details of – and the small print of – returns policy or delivery options and confusing and long-winded terms and conditions. Those studied also cite checkout time pressures, time-limited discounts and scarcity as a problem too.

  On the technical front, many also complain about poor colour contrast on important calls to action, links or buttons, resulting in missed content or functionality; videos without audio descriptions or audio without subtitles on product descriptions; and 360 videos, options to change the product colour, fabric or pattern, and other interactive customisation features that don’t work with assistive technology.

  Stephenson continues: “Retailers that make their websites more accessible to disabled consumers, for social and ethical reasons, will also benefit commercially as they enable more people to purchase their products and services. The ‘purple pound’ is estimated to be worth £249 billion, per year, however less than one in ten business have plans in place to cater for those with disabilities.”

  She adds: “Implementing online accessibility measures like audio descriptions of what is happening on-screen will improve the user experience immensely. Apple’s VoiceOver or Google’s TalkBack software, will help to guide those with visual impairments through the online experience. There are also many ways to improve life for those with motor impairment and hearing issues online too.”

  Stephenson concludes: “One-day initiatives such as Purple Tuesday are great for driving awareness campaigns, but inclusion has to occur all year round. There has to be an effort to apply these practices year-round. We are calling for people to look at the web inclusivity directive and embed inclusion into their processes as standard.”

  Retailers get behind Purple Tuesday

Household names including Sainsbury’s, M&S and Blakemore Retail are joining hundreds of other retailers on 12 November, to improve the customer experience for disabled people by supporting Purple Tuesday

  Multiple shopping centres, including Bluewater and Intu, are also participating. Westfield is taking Purple Tuesday international with shopping centres in Germany, Czech Republic, Slovakia and Poland making commitments for better customer service for disabled people.

  New research published for Purple Tuesday reveals that poor customer service and a lack of staff understanding are among the key barriers preventing disabled consumers from purchasing goods and services. The research has prompted calls for businesses and organisations to rethink how they target disabled consumers and their families, whose spending power – the so-called Purple Pound – is estimated to be £249 billion every year.

  More than 2,000 businesses, organisations and stores from a range of sectors have made more than 3,500 pledges to make long-term changes as part of Purple Tuesday on 12 November. This includes:

Sainsbury’s and Argos, who have announced a new trial of a weekly ‘Sunflower Hour’ in 30 stores, which involves creating a calmer environment by reducing background noise and sensory overload that launches on Purple Tuesday. The trial gives customers the option to pick up a sunflower lanyard which has been purposely designed to act as a discreet sign for store colleagues to recognise if they may need to provide a customer with additional support. Sainsbury’s was the first retailer to trial this initiative in 2018.

Microsoft Store, which has committed to educating not only the community but retail businesses on how to create accessible retail experiences, work environments and improving the lives of customers and employees living with disabilities.

M&S, which is committed to being the U.K.’s most accessible retailer and has introduced a number of improvements to its stores and website over the past few years – including becoming the first retailer to introduce Sunflower Lanyards into all stores for those with hidden disabilities Earlier this month M&S ran a colleague campaign “Making Every Day Accessible” introducing a number of resources for colleagues including a top tips for being disability confident video, a guide on how to run sensory friendly shopping hours and a new ‘hard of hearing’ uniform.

Blakemore Retail, which is providing training for 4300 staff and making training available to their 700 independent SPAR Retailers.

Tim Fallowfield, Board Sponsor for Disability Carers and Age at Sainsbury’s and Argos, comments: “We’re proud to show our continued support to Purple Tuesday and believe all our customers should feel confident when shopping all year round. Not all disabilities are visible so by taking steps such as introducing a weekly Sunflower Hour, we hope to provide an enhanced experience and reassurance for our customers.”

  John Carter, Senior Store Manager of the flagship Microsoft Store in London, adds: “Technology is a tool for everyone and our products and services are designed for people of all abilities. We are supporting Purple Tuesday’s call to improve the customer experience for disabled people, by inviting retailers to learn how to create accessible experiences and cultivate a diverse and inclusive workplace for customers and employees.  We will also be running free customer workshops on our accessibility tools and features. From supporting students living with dyslexia to read with confidence, to helping people with limited mobility to write with their voice, we’re calling for everyone to learn how accessibility tools can empower you to achieve more in your life.”

Zoe Mountford, Lead Sustainability Manger at Marks & Spencer, says: “We’re committed to making M&S the UK’s most accessible retailer, whether customers are shopping online or in-store. Earlier this year we became the first retailer to introduce sunflower lanyards for customers with hidden disabilities into all of our stores, this came one year after we launched daywear for children with disabilities and two years after we published AccessAble Guides. We know that the very best thing we can do is give great service and we work hard to make sure all our 80,000 colleagues feel disability confident. Purple Tuesday is a great opportunity to remind our stores of all the great resources we have introduced over the past year such as our colleague guide on how to support customers who are hard of hearing and our top tips video on how to be confident serving customer with disabilities.”

  75% of disabled people have had to leave a store or website, unable to go through with their purchase because of their disability1. Research shows that most complaints from disabled people relate to experiences within the business/organisation premises, with disabled people more likely to spend money with organisations if they improve2:

staff understanding about different disabilities (56%)

the overall customer experience for disabled people (41%)

store/shop/location accessibility (41%)

website accessibility (16%)

More than 1 in 3 disabled people (34%) said poor customer service prevented them from making a purchase, while 33% blamed a lack of understanding from staff about their needs. Some disabled respondents said improvements should include ‘being treated the same as anyone else’ and having ‘knowledgeable staff’.

  The research has led Purple Tuesday to call on organisations to focus on straightforward, low-cost solutions to improve the customer experience for disabled people – changes that go beyond the front door. Of the 13.9 million disabled people in the UK, 80% have a hidden impairment, meaning improvements and enhancements are needed to improve access for disabled people, beyond having a ramp installed to help enter a site.

  Mike Adams OBE, Chief Executive of Purple, concludes: “Meeting the needs of disabled customers makes commercial sense for organisations of all sizes, from all sectors, but our message to organisations is: you don’t have to spend big budgets to make lasting change. That’s why we’re urging organisations to focus on improvements that go ‘beyond the front door’. Introducing staff training and improving website accessibility are low cost changes, but the difference to a company’s bottom line – as well as to a disabled consumer’s personal experience – can be significant.

  “Purple Tuesday has more than doubled in size this year, with more than 2000 organisations from a variety of sectors making commitments to improve the customer experience for disabled people. These are long-term changes that will have a lasting impact for millions of customers – and improve the commercial opportunities for the organisations involved.”

from InternetRetailing https://ift.tt/2O3geaE via IFTTT

[alltheworldsrpg-blog]

WELCOME TO ROSWELL, ZARA RHODES!!

ADMIN CAMERON: What caught my attention about Zara was how carefully she was written, The Halogen’s past can go south very easily and you were able to handle that with grace. The plot section of your app really gives me confidence about her future growth as a character, and her dynamic with The Pulsar is everything I was looking for and some. 

You’ve been accepted as THE HALOGEN with the faceclaim of JESSICA DE GOUW. Please follow all rules and regulations as laid out by the Roswell Town Council, especially concerning any non pre-approved biologic. All UFO’s outside of city limits must be stickered or will be towed. Enjoy your stay in the first city of extraterrestrials.

OUT OF CHARACTER.

NAME/ALIAS + PRONOUNS:

Riley, he/him

AGE:

18+

TIMEZONE + ACTIVITY:

GMT. I don’t know about numbers, but I’m usually active every couple of days at least. I might not always be on tumblr because it’s blocked at work but I tend to write in notepad then post when I get home during quiet spells, and I’m off on Wednesdays and weekends.

TRIGGERS:

Removed for privacy. 

ANYTHING ELSE?:

I like sci-fi, superheroes and social justice. And I love this rp.

IN CHARACTER.

SKELETON TITLE:

The Halogen

FULL NAME:

Zara Rhodes – Zara means to blossom, I chose it because she’s only just starting to figure out who she is and developing into that person. Her motives might have been selfish and not entirely pure but she’s still growing. I chose the name Rhodes because I liked the sound of it and it summons images of loftiness and pretentiousness in my head.

GENDER + PRONOUNS:

Cisgender female, she/her

SEXUAL + ROMANTIC ORIENTATION:

Panromantic Pansexual

DATE OF BIRTH + AGE:

26 years old, July 13 2033, I chose Cancer as her star sign because they’re described as being inconsistent, difficult to predict, and seeking adventure but also security and that they keep others guessing and that’s how I picture her character.

OCCUPATION:

Law student

FACECLAIM:

Jessica De Gouw

BIOGRAPHY:

London has always been a city of immigrants, home of people from all backgrounds and walks of life, but the London Zara was born in fostered a different kind of immigration. She shared playgrounds with alien children (from the other side of the park, at her mother’s insistence), and she sat near them on the train (only when there were no other seats left, and even then her father would shield her as if she were some kind of fragile thing). From childhood, Zara knew two things; that aliens were part of life and that this was a bad thing.

She was eleven when her famous, wedding photographer father was all over the internet headlines because he’d famously refused to photograph an alien couple’s wedding. To Zara, it wasn’t such a big deal. It was his business and he should be allowed to run it the way he wanted. Her parents were business-people and it was their right to refuse those who weren’t technically human. After all, human rights laws didn’t exactly cover them. Her parents sheltered her from mixing with them as best they could, but that changed when she moved away, went to the United States for college.

Zara had lived in her dorm for only a day when her room mate casually dropped the fact they were a Centaurian in conversation. Zara was less than pleased. She made no attempt to hide her anti alien rhetoric, with slogans on shirts and posters on walls that could be classed as hate speech. She attended anti alien rallies, even tried to get them kicked out of school. She would get irritated when her room mate didn’t recognize her photographs at the campus gallery shows, even more irritated that they could hardly enjoy her work at all. After all, she was the human, and wasn’t this supposed to be all about her?

It would have been so easy to switch rooms. Her parents could even have afforded a fancy little apartment for her, and the room mate never moved either, intent on being ‘tolerant and understanding’. Zara’s motivations were less pure. She was determined to show her alien room mate a better way of life, to ‘tame’ them, and so it was almost ironic that she was the one who ended up being the student and the Centaurian the teacher. It took weeks, months, even years of debates, philosophical conversations, compassion and understanding that Zara probably didn’t deserve, but eventually it started to sink in. Aliens were a little different, but there was nothing fundamentally wrong with them. They could be friends. They could even be people you fell in love with, and boy, did Zara fall hard.

She was ashamed. She felt an intense need to make up for her actions, her blindness. Zara switched her major, choosing to pursue criminal justice as a pre-requisite for law school instead of the photography and artistic focus she’d held at the behest of her parents. Her parents didn’t take too kindly to it, especially when they discovered her reasons. She got the impression they thought she would grow out of it. But she never did. Zara used their last name to get some galleries interested in her photography and began selling it to make up for the money they were no longer so keen to send her. She even started her own online store. She wanted to be important in a different way, like her room mate was. She wanted to be an activist.

Zara never got the chance to truly share her feelings with her room mate even when graduation turned into summer turned into them renting a place together as ‘friends’. There might have been some flirting and some drunk confessions, but Zara pretends not to remember. For now. She doesn’t want to rock the boat on their living situation, and she tells herself that having recently been accepted into law school means she doesn’t have time for a relationship just yet anyway, but it’s all just an excuse. Really, she’s just waiting for the perfect moment, and she has no idea that the moment might not turn out to be perfect after all. Because the world isn’t perfect. In fact, it’s pretty broken, and Zara has yet to see just how deep the cracks go.

MUSING + HEAD-CANONS.

HEAD-CANONS:

I imagine Zara to be kind of like that activist with the best of intentions but she’s still learning. She’s come from a place of privilege with well-off human parents, upper middle class, white, and for most of her life she didn’t acknowledge or think about that. She’s only just starting out on this new journey. She’s growing as a person but she’s still in that sort of awkward stage where she doesn’t know when to talk and when to listen, and she also kind of turns her activism into a display, with social media posts etc.

Is a total pinterest ho and she loves those studyspo style pics.

Kind of a hipster.

But good intentions and has a lot of room for affection in her heart, even if it’s currently misplaced.

Zara was loved and a little spoiled as a kid. She wasn’t raised to have responsibility. She wasn’t punished for messing up and she didn’t have many rules. Who she is now is a result of the effect this can have on a child and their development so that its even affecting them as an adult in their mid 20s. Responsibility is starting to catch up with her and I find that a fascinating theme to explore. You can’t go through life as a free spirit not caring about anything in the long term, because then when you care about something completely, like Zara does now with Pulsar, then it’s kind of like a sensory overload that she doesn’t know how to handle, and now that she’s learning, for lack of a better term, social justice, she’s sort of diving in at the deep end and doesn’t really realise it takes time to be a good ally.

Her favourite color is blue, but she also likes blacks and greys. She likes pastel colors and a soothing aesthetic from her surroundings. She likes things to be neat and in order.

She still keeps up with photography, but primarily as a hobby. Selling her photos sometimes earns her a bit of pocket money and she still has her online store, but she doesn’t do much new photography for profit any more. Saying that, she’s happy to lend a hand and take snaps for the student paper or websites at local protests etc.

PLOTS + CONNECTIONS:

I want to explore the balance between responsibility and the impulsive artistic nature she has. She’s creative and intellectual, she believes so deeply in fate and chances, in a way that could something her mind used in the past to absolve her of her responsibility. She goes where her heart and impulse tells her which can be a dangerous way to live and that I feel has kind of come back to bite her now that she’s only just learning how to be a responsible adult.

The problem with being ruled by your heart and not your head is that it can get you in trouble, as you’re living a life without balance. If she’s taking her balance and the idea of morality from Pulsar that means it could be seen as a co-dependent relationship, which isn’t healthy either, but there’s also something about her and Pulsar that’s very pure and real too. Basically she’s a mess of contradictions. I love when characters have such realistic faults and they’re all rounded characters. She’s a free spirit and yet also has this dark side to her that’s capable of jealousy and insecurity and bitterness. It just feels like the realistic faults and struggles real people have, so I want to explore those.

Right now she doesn’t have any awareness of the fact Pulsar doesn’t feel the same way about her. She’s got a kind of confidence and sort of detachment from reality that she hasn’t picked up on any subtle cues that might have been dropped, but also the skeleton implies Pulsar might be leading her on a bit, which gives a few various avenues to explore when Zara actually finds out about it. I can see her reacting in a few different ways. She’s probably initially going to be pretty angry and upset. She’s going to be jealous of anyone Pulsar might be spending time with, but she doesn’t want to push the issue so she would instead focus on being angry that Pulsar wasn’t honest with her from the beginning.

I think it’s important not to fall into the trope of “I became a better person for you, so you owe me your love” especially as in this situation, Zara is sort of in the position of the oppressor, but I do think it might take her a bit of time to accept the reality of the situation because she’s so used to people fawning over her and thinking she’s fantastic. I want to try and find a balance between her disappointment and her spoiled attitude but also the fact she does respect Pulsar as a person and their free will.

I’d like to see her be exposed to some of the resistance people and be a little shocked and have her eyes opened about what a different form of activism looks like. It can be dark and gritty. It isn’t always sitting in a classroom learning about alien rights laws and spouting philosophy.

I’d also like her to come into contact with the anti alien people who she used to pal around with and who she turned her back on when she started listening to Pulsar and fell in love.

Those are the sort of connections I can see her building too. She’s kind of in an interesting position being that she’s touched on and has the ability to be part of both worlds. She tries to stay clear of the anti alien people now, but it would be interesting for some of them to try and tempt her back in, and especially if they do it to sort of take advantage of her being upset after she learns about Pulsar not reciprocating her feelings. Contrast to that, the types of aliens or alien supporters who use a more radical form of approach than Pulsar does I’d love to see her interact with and see how she responds to that.

WRITING SAMPLE:

Removed for privacy.

ETC:

https://ru.pinterest.com/mccluskry/zara/  Pinterest for her

http://vigilantwriter.tumblr.com/tagged/insp%3A-zara and my muse tag for her including some edits (its a queue so the tag will get bigger as my queue posts them)