#but the rest never made sense to me
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Surely, surely there are spells that dust, clean, scrub bathrooms, wash clothing? House elves can do it with a snap of their fingers, wizards can do it just as easily with a wave of their wand.
So why do house elves clean dorms and do laundry at Hogwarts? There’s only one explanation:
It has nothing to do with how easy the task is, and everything to do with it actually getting done. In other words, teenagers.
Living in dorms with other teenagers.
At some point in Hogwarts history, there had to have been teenagers running around in three week old uniform shirts and genuinely not realising it was a problem.
Like, it had to be bad enough that someone decided it was enough of an issue to call a meeting about it. House elves have been washing Hogwarts uniforms on a nightly basis ever since.
#House elves in the kitchens make sense#food being the primary exception to Gamp’s Law#but the rest never made sense to me#this is all mostly a joke#like we’ve all been teenagers and puberty is rough#shoutout to anyone who’s ever walked into a year 8 locker bay and made it out alive#anyone who went to a co-ed high school#*shudders*#let’s spare a thought for the poor Hogwarts kids with no guidance#a dorm of boys with no present parental figures to suggest they maybe try showering a bit more frequently for the next few years#also who’s teaching them to shave?#like are they all running around with those little sparse beards?#until they go home for the holidays and hopefully have a living father figure to show them?#that seems like a bit of a gamble given the survival rate of parents in the wizarding world#Hogwarts#Harry Potter#marauders era#marauders
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My personal Theory/Headcanon for the seasonal courts in acotar
I like to think that the seasonal court’s actually do have seasons, its just not as varied as normal seasons.
for example (i will be using our months and for reference i live in the northern hemisphere)
Spring- During the typical spring months (march-may) its very well. spring. Very average spring temps at 50-60 Fahrenheit, lots of spring showers but low humidity, very misty in the morning. Now in summer (june-mid september) it gets a bit more humid, temps peaking at probably 80-ish, theres less rain-showers but when it does rain its very dramatic storms. Fall (mid september-mid november) is similar to typical spring, its the period where plants start to ‘die off’ and stuff starts fresh. it gets a bit colder but never super cold and humidity goes back down. Winter (november-february) is the coldest with lows in roughly the 40s, its very foggy in the mornings and early afternoon.
#acotar#a court of thorns and roses#sarah j maas#sjm#seasonal courts#spring court#i have ideas for the rest but spring court inspired me#Because just one static state for the courts never made sense beacuse theres lots of different types of seasons i guess#like the dark damp springs and not just bright flowery springs#you know what i mean#i may be biased tho cause spring is my favorite season#i just think it adds some interesting depth#tamlin#acotar theories#acotar headcanons
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what’s there not to understand about hypomania? you know when you get overtired, and like a toddler, you get all hyperactive and also want to cry or do Every Fun Thing you can think of and it actually becomes harder to sleep? like as a result of too much overwhelm or being so emotionally exhausted that’s how your body makes you able to cope, the aftereffects of too much adrenaline? just imagine being stuck like that. and every day it triggers itself more, overload of emotional whiplash and energy and you’ve lost all ability to think rationally and you can do anything at this point, because why not? you’ve got nothing left in you to hold back on any idea that could be exciting and stop you from falling into the void where the wiredness you feel has nothing to latch onto to burn off that nervous energy in a positive way, emotionally. for days or weeks or months on end. you don’t need to have ever experienced this fully to extrapolate and be like. yeah. I can see how it would suck eventually to get stuck like that
#at this point I’m begging people to see the overlap with adhd too bc anecdotally it seems like everyone I know also has that#and the overlap with bpd and hpd but I think the main difference is. being stuck in that high energy state. even when the energy turns sad#and bitter and hopeless. it’s essentially just overstimulation from your own brain. gets stuck overstimulating itself to cope maybe?#like i know people say it’s not triggered by life events but they sometimes can trigger it. but imho depression is gonna trigger it too#eventually. anything where everything is Too Much can start the positive feedback loop that’s almost impossible to turn off#which if you don’t know what a positive feedback loop is. means smth triggers smth which goes back and triggers its original trigger#thus getting bigger and bigger in magnitude. it’s like the chicken and the egg. egg makes chicken and chicken makes egg. more egg more#chicken and more chicken more egg. as opposed to a negative feedback loop which by the time there gets enough of smth it stops triggering#making more of it. your body relies on negative feedback loops for smth called homeostasis which is basically keeping everything stable#so obv positive feedback loops are gonna do the opposite of stable. in this case for your energy and your mood#most people are able to sleep better when they’re tired. my hypothesis of hypomania is when being tired makes you less able to rest#and that obviously spirals in on itself. mania would just be an extension of that I guess? but in some people it does happen really fast so#I get the narrative that it’s a chemical imbalance bc it is. but the specific imbalance being the tendency to a positive feedback loop make#more sense to me too. and can be why predictability and external cycles to ground yourself to are so important#there’s also never a 0% chance of you ever having a manic episode btw. anyones brain can theoretically get into this loop it’s just that if#you’re genetically predisposed to bipolar you’re much more likely to! and that’s okay. you can manage it with meds and lifestyle#but it makes sense why lowering stress (which can trigger this cycle) is such an important part of treatment and management#anyway. hopefully I’m not like. horribly horribly wrong or smth. in the end I can only speak for my experience so lmk if I’m missing smth#bipolar awareness#bipolar 2#hypomania#personal mental health tag#neurodivergence#would you believe I was reminiscing about a concert I went to once. and it made me think of all this
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The whole "if a person is mad at you it's their responsibility to tell you" thing just made me realize how fucked my situation is. Like just. woah
#who wants to hesr the story of how I lost my irl friends recently (you will I'm spitting everything right now)#anyway so last year one day one of my friends decided to randomly backstab me and she started talking behind my back#and yeah this all made me mad because?? what the fuck#she started talking and revealing stuff that i had confide to her to other people and they slowly started drifting from me#BUt the thing here is that she was manipulating the story. she changed it every time she told stuff to people to make me look bad#i heard one of the things she said about me once and i was like ?? she even make me dislike me in her version which like woa#anyway I didn't understand why she did that because it was ? so random? and then she started ignoring me and has not talked to me ever since#the thing is. she apparently didn't have enough with just doing that. she slowly started to rot my other friends' brains too?#in the sense that. suddenly the rest of my group was ignoring me too. they never said anything to me. or stated that they had a problem#they just ignored me in my face? and yeah that. hurt#recently i found thanks to a third party that one of them decided to stop talking to me because apparently i had hurt her uncountable times#and she was just soo sick and tired of me doing that. which. honestly made me mad because she did not ever express that to me?? so#what was i supposed to do. if she never said anything.#anyway one of my friends confronted her about the treatment they were giving to me. the whole exclusion thing. and her answer was-#”well it's not my fault that she doesn't have more friends and doesn't talk to people”#and i was like. woah. what a poor reply. is that really it.. also apparently they all had agree to stop talking to me as a group-#-and they never informed me so. thank you?#and I'm still here asking what i did to that ex friend of mine. later on i found out she had hooked up with the guy i used to like btw#and she kept it secret. oh and then i started dating my current partner ! person she also felt attracted to. and that's my only explanation.#she started gossiping after what happened with the first guy. so that's really everything that comes to mind as a reason#ANYWAY now that i was at the hospital i didn't receive a single text from any of them. so i guess that was it. people who don't care-#-like that are not friends. those people are not my friends. people who ignore me on purpose and gossip like that are not. my friends#so yeah that's why I've been feeling down lately but ! here I am i ended up ranting so. much#rant#vent#?#woah i actually feel so much better after spitting it all#I'm also following that sour grape advice btw I'm not giving them the privilege of cutting me out. I'M the one who dislikes them now
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taylor swift lyrics that keep u up at night?
*takes a deep breath*
remember looking at this room, we loved it cause of the light now i just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time.
(oversharing in the tags)
#i know it's not the most obvious choice and i think i've never talked about this line before#but i think it will keep me up at night for the rest of my life#so when i heard you're losing me for the first time i was in a very similar situation#most of you don't even know i was engaged and had the most terrible break up this year#it's easier when someone breaks up with you#it's much harder when you have to make that decision#and the hardest when you know you made this decision already but you're not sure if it's actually the time...#and i feel like both taylor and i knew it was the only option but we were never 100% sure if it's time to go#if that makes sense#i did eventually#i still remember moving into our apartment 3+ years ago when we were still happy#and then spending last six months of our relationship alone in this apartment knowing it's going nowhere and i have to leave eventually#and moving out in june to my own small cozy place i live in now#but i never even got closure#so i still didn't fully recover#and it will haunt me forever#trust me this line always makes me cry#ugh#sorry for that#i still miss him sometimes even tho he was a bad person#thanks for the ask tho#i feel like i wanted to say all of that long ago and you just gave me a perfect opportunity to do that#so i'm grateful ❤️#yes i got your letter yes i'm doing better*
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the red flag in me wishes the father is not logan, not jess but the wookie.
#i know it’s not possible bc of the timeline#but asp timelines have never made sense anyway#anything to make her not connected to logan for the rest of her life#also jess as the father is the worst idea ever#don’t even get me started#gilmore girls asks#gilmore girls#rory gilmore#a year in the life#gilmore girls ayitl#rory’s baby daddy#teddypickerry
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Song of the Day: March 27
"Long Time Gone" by The Chicks
#song of the day#I'm still thinking about the Country Songs About Country Songs#this is actually a cover too though I never hear the original around anywhere#(it's by Darrell Scott who is also the originator for 'You'll Never Leave Harlan Alive'#turns out he's got a bunch of songs that got picked up and made somewhat more popular in the hands of other folks. an interesting legacy)#the best lines of this song to sing are also the bits About Country Music--well the whole song's about chasing the love of it#but this bit is bemoaning the kids these days you know. country music isn't what it used to be. why back in my day etc etc#it's so so so much fun to sing too because you get to exaggerate your 'I think's until they rhyme with 'Hank'. excellent work#'we listen to the radio to hear what's cookin / but the music ain't got no soul#now they sound tired but they don't sound Haggard / they got money but they don't have Cash#they got Junior but they don't have Hank / I think I think I think / the rest is a long time gone'#it's fascinating to me to think about these songs in (saying 'historical' here is giving me psychic damage but) historical context#because the Darrell Scott original for Long Time Gone came out in 2000 and The Chicks released their version in 2002#so they were talking about the trend towards American jingoism in country music of the time#versus like Waylon Jennings in 1975 'Are You Sure Hank Done It This Way'#(I typed that and /then/ went back and looked up the release date and I'm so proud I got it right)#already bemoaning the state of country music in the 70s versus good old classic country like Hank Williams Senior sang#(Hank Jr covered Waylon's song in 1981. like yes it's a tribute to his father but also Hank Jr was a big push towards outlaw country#and has a few pretty famous songs himself about not singing like his daddy did. it just seems a strange choice to me)#and then Eric Church put out 'Lotta Boot Left to Fill' in 2009 calling out the shallowness of the country music scene of the time#(talking some only-thinly-veiled shit about a few of his peers in the process)#and then he released 'Stick That In Your Country Song' in 2021 and that /definitely/ put some backs up#that one's a less directed but more direct call-out if that makes any sense#no lines that are direct references to other artists' songs but stronger sentiments overall#not just general 'y'all are getting shallow prioritizing good times and high sales over genuine heart and integrity of craft'#but some straight up 'you have forgotten the face of your father' shit towards country artists and fans alike. the whole industry#a very good righteous-anger song
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#Creepy chatter#My yeehaw school required every one of us to be musical little babies#You could spot the choir kids bc they never were hauling instrument cases#And we had like monthly concerts since every student was guaranteed to be in band choir or orchestra#I remember my mom heavily suggesting I pick smth small like a flute on instrument day#And I came home with a trombone as big as me like :3#I could only practice at school tho lmao...my poor mom was only thinking of our neighbors in the building#Then I ended up doubling up w french horn after riding as 1st chair trombone for a year and a half#I was 1st chair frenchie for the rest of middle school but I think trombone was more fun#French horn is definitely prettier to me though#String instruments have never made sense to me but boy howdy can I toot
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there is not enough 92sies sprace. i know what you all are doing. 92sies fans did not get on their knees and pick up crumbs to ship spot and race for the rest of us to run off with it and apply it to livesies where not only do they not even directly interact, but fanon prefers because they find the actors more attractive, and then proceed to boil their characters down to 1-2 traits each and ship them in a weird almost f/tishy "dumb feminine man x angry masculine man" way. guys this is a class war not the yaoi war.
#& dont get me wrong NOT all sprace content is like this. it's just Enough#i know this is gonna be controversial but as much as i love sprace ive finally realized why a lot of the fan content doesnt appeal to me#or is just straight up uncomfortable#and it kind of goes with the sexification of funny characters in general which race has fallen victim to#in which ppl remove their depth; give them more sex appeal; and add a pinch of frat boy to the mixture#to make this unhinged sexful comic relief#now im just as in love with btc as the rest of yall but race fell victim to this because he was in the proshot and ppl were attracted 2 him#which is fine#BUT leads to a lot of like.#misinterpretation of his character or just heavily exaggerating certain aspects that made him initially attractive to ppl#which then ends up consuming fanon like a poisoned water supply#it's kinda a variation of sexymanification. fanon making a character stereotypically queer but in a way that is attractive and consumable#and completely overtakes canon aspects of the character. it is not inherently f*tishy but it can definitely acquire those vibes#source: kuroo tetsurou warrior who survived 2016 era haikyuu fandom#92sies sprace is a funny rarepair while livesies sprace is like when the bbc sherlock fandom shipped lestrade and mycroft for no reason#but with the vibes of the ppl who Made Up A Man to ship moriarty with. does that make sense.#the never-interacted rarepair mixed with the yaoiful (derogatory) vibes of 'if this man has no one to ship with i'll just make one myself'#and again i dont think all (livesies) sprace content falls victim to this nor do all people Intend to characterize them this way#i can totally get Not realizing you're portraying them this way until someone points it out#and i couldnt even articulate why i didn't like a lot of sprace content until i saw some passing mentions of this like. An Hour ago#newsies#sprace#dontlistento me
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book 5 of the year done!!!! im literally one book away from halfway to my goal and the first month of the year isn't even over yet fjsksk i am DEFINITELY going to hit it this year!
#SUUUUPER bummed to say tho that ive made it to the first book of the year i havent enjoyed :/#the worst part is — its the first in a series apparently and like. i WANT to know what happens next#but also i dont CARE enough to want to keep reading the rest of the series yknow?#like. this first book was just SOOOO disjointed#it was ALL exposition#it spent 500 pages giving individual backstories for each of the characters. as in each character l i t e r a l l y told their story#which first of all absolutely BORING way to get to know your characters and second of all NONE od these characters were even likeable!!!#and the worldbuilding was just. weird. it kind of didnt make sense and felt all over the place#and FULLY felt like he was just throwing random sci-fi-y words around to make it sound cooler but like. it wasnt.#and like all these characters are together on this pilgrimage right#but it is NEVER really revealed why/what they plan to do when they get to their end destination/anything like that#and im between each of these character backstories it feels like the same stuff one person is like oh wow what a story lets get some sleep#and then they do and they wake up and they do the tiniest bit of traveling#(which is like. described in the most lackluster barebones way) and then they eat and share another story and rinse and repeat#it was SO boring#it honestly reminded me of the movie the eternals LMAO#all these characters and you get to know a little about them but not enoguh to become invested and none of them are all that interesting#and the purpose of their journey/the purpose of THEM is completely unknown is completely devoid#like it felt like there was no plot#it was. ough not good.#so yeah would NOT recommend hyperion by dan simmons :/#mack reads
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future for scientist, bound for cadaver, and monster for both of them? 🤔
future: What's the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it's a possibility?
SO unfortunately for scientist i think the worst outcome for her is. achieving immortality FJNFJFN despite that being the one thing shes working towards yk. i think deepdown she knows this but shes still pursuing it bc shes basically in denial abt it... i think her being immortal would rly enhance some of her worst traits. like she already feels disconnected/dofferent/isolated from other people (which is partially why shes pursuing immortality in the first place) but if she got it it would just be. soooo much worse. i truly believe if she did become immortal shed fuck off to like. the most isolated place on earth and shed never talk to another person ever again. Which she might think is a good thing but it absolutely would not be
bound: Has your OC ever been imprisoned or captured? What happened? How did they get out? Did the experience leave any scars?
soo this one is difficult bc cadavers backstory im changing my mind on it majorly atm... previously i did have him being arrested and held in prison for a while and then being broken out/recaptured by scientist but im not sure if i still want all that .. the like. nature of his ... Whole thing has changed a lot since i originally came up with her so im not sure if that still works. like it Could but idk... so this one is a bit of a weird question to answer atm bc i havent fully decided yet... i suppose depending on how much control you view cadaver as having you could say like. living with scientist is imprisonment but i do think if cadaver actually wanted to get out it probably could. SO idk... also scars r also being reconsidered in my mind bc previously i had him Getting scars but now im not sure if that actually makes sense with the healing thing... but the issue is one of the main reasons i made him is bc i think autopsy scars r cool 😭😭😭 so i dont know...
monster: Is your OC monstrous in any way? Is there something that makes them monstrous? Are they aware of their own monstrosity? Do they accept it or reject it?
scientist: YAY so i think scientist has always felt inherently other. but i think meeting cadaver RLY changed her for the worst like. she literally regularly murders another person. and yeah he gets better but you dont just like... even if its not permanent you cant just become ok with killing someone without being a little bit off. yk. i think physically shes human (unless i decide that she Does take on the whole possession thing. constant flipflopping in connorland) but i think mentally she goes from being like. kind of a misanthropic loner to being like. she basically simultaneously views cadaver as an ideal that shes jealous of (bc he has the one thing she wants, and bc she feels a sort of connection w it bc they have like.. similar but different motivations. yk...). and if the only person youve ever felt any sort of similarity to is a corpse possessed by ambiguous force i dont think youre like . you know ...
cadaver: so this is soo fun bc ive actually been considering having cadaver a bit more monstrous like. physically. bc obviously shes not human anymore BUT i think itd be fun if the possession had some physical effects on him... currently he just has the extreme healing/resurrection abilities but id imagine hed probably have some sort of enhanced strength as well. and i just love when possession has a physical component... but yes. EMOTIONALLY i think cadaver is weirdly in denial abt being a monster. like. i think she views the original part of her the one that died as like. the monstrous one. it feels more human now that its possessed bc prior to her death she was like. Somewhat similar to scientist in that she was very isolated but it was less of a choice if this makes sense. like scientist consciously isolates herself from ppl bc she just Assumes that they arent like. sorry im turning this into being about scientist again DJFNJF cadaver go lay at the bottom of the pool or something im busy. but yk she has that like. a view of herself thats seperate from other people/from humanity so she just doesnt bother talking to other people bc she assumes they would never understand. yk. so it is A choice to isolate from ppl (altho she also like..does not have social skills at all. as a result of this choice. so yk...) but w cadaver cadaver was alllways desperate for connection but in a like. rather than searching for One specific like. Unattainable kind of connection he wanted anything. and thats why she was so enthusiastic abt the connection bc it meant there would always be like. Someone. yk. and obv post connection shes a lot more like. confident and Able to make friends despite being physically more disconnected from humanity if this makes sense. so yes. i think cadaver is Literally more monstrous than scientist but i dont think thats how he feels abt himself at all.
link to ask game!
#i hope this makes sense i rambled so bad i love thinking abt like. their views of themselves. yk..#the parallels between predeath cadaver and scientist r rly rly fascinating to me which is funny bc I made them up DJFNFJFN but like.#bc w scientist like. her motivation for immortality is bc she wants to know Everything. she wants to transcend like. humanity and she wants#fully seperate herself from the human part of herself that shes always hated. which is the part that Wants connection and wants to feel#understood. she basically wants to be a robot or a god or something like that. yk. a part of her wants to remain human and the rest of her#Hates that part. yk. whereas w cadaver her immortality motivation was kind of like. tbh the immortality was a side effect NDNFJFNF he was#just like Ooh boy a thing who lives in my head who will intrinsically get me and never leave me and well be together forever. And bonus will#help me talk to people and everyone will love me and view me as a god. YAYYYY YAYYYY. and then the immortality is just kind of another bonus#bc w cadaver it just loves like. attention. and being seen in ANY way. so post death i think likeee. bc of its immortality other ppl tend to#revere it . yk. its personality is sort of magnetic despite the feeling of it judt being like. off. yk. i think that fulfills the need and#it kind of doesnt care that its like. they still dont actually understand him yk. hes still An other to them. she just views it as adoration#which is what it wants. you know. i think theres a partnof cadaver that still feels empty and longs for like. Genuine care#if this makes any sense at all. BUT YA IDK. THIS MAY MAKE NOOO SENSE AT ALL. the ramblerrr
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no, no, because imagine. we get a shot of eddie looking at himself in the bathroom mirror. he touches his mustache and sighs. the next shot is someone knocking on the door of the loft. buck opens it, and it's eddie on the other side, freshly shaven and finally ready to acknowledge what buck means to him
#im so ready for eddies arc in season 8#we get the mustache (for awhile)#we get the hot priest back#we get eddie diaz in church#eddie girlies we are winning so hard this season#anyway lemme write my fanfiction in the rest of these tags#buck is like. oh hey---you shaved??#yeah. it uh was time for it to go.#buck gets them beers because ofc he does. i thought it was a yk sign of change. an eddie 2.0 kind of thing?#uh more just. idk trying it out. figuring things out. uh like a transition period i guess. that was eddie 1.5 and uh now im eddie 2.0?#and then buck watches eddie suck down like half of beer and he just looks at him with that look that always makes eddie tell him everything#and eddie says. how did you know? like how were you sure that you liked guys?#uh. i didnt? not consciously anyway. i didnt really know until tommy kissed me and then it all just kinda made sense...#right. right. so it was just always there? the uh attraction to men?#yeah. idk i thought everyone thought men were just as hot as women. i never really thought about dating men until yk i was dating one#cool. cool. and maybe eddie changes the subject. lets buck ramble his ear off for awhile before they clean up their empty bottles#and eddie catches bucks arm and looks at him and buck says. what?#kiss me#what?? eddie what?#i need to---ive been figuring things out and i need it to be you#me? why me?#cuz. cuz youre the only one i trust. the only one i want to trust. i want it to be you. i need it to be you cuz its you buck its always you#anyway buddie canon season 8
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Toji is my least favorite character.. IM SORRY TUMBLR
I just don’t think that being attractive to others makes you not evil when you do bad things-
There’s definitely people out there that only like Toji because he’s hot and good for them tbh! I personally don’t think he’s a villain because it would be hypocritical of me.
JJK has brought up how children should be allowed to be children multiple times. Nanami says it. Gojo says it. It’s easy to put this into practice when it’s Itadori or Megumi. We know these boys. We love these boys. They’re good kids.
It’s a lot harder when it’s Toji, isn’t it?
He’s not a good kid. He’s not even a kid! We see him as a grown man terrorizing our beloved hs Gojo and Geto. The jokes have a tinge of reality to them - why is he thirty beefing with high schoolers 🤨?
But Toji was a kid once too, and if I ignore that, I would feel like I’m cherry-picking the themes of JJK to suit what’s most palatable to me, as if because Toji’s harder to sympathize with, he’s less deserving. You don’t start over as a blank slate once you become an adult. What Toji is at thirty is derived from what happened to him when he was younger. If I believe in what Gojo says, that we should preserve the youth of children, then isn’t it hypocritical of me to approach Toji from a one dimensional perspective? Didn’t the Toji that was being abused by the Zenin clan as a child deserve to be saved?
It’s undeniable that he’s a pretty shitty adult. But I can’t bring myself to singlemindedly despise him ☹️ I think he’s very tragic and he breaks my heart (to care about him because I’m a Gojo stan lol).
#I’m begging you guys to stop making me defend toji sjshdisgsiv#I hope that all made sense! I’m a Gojo stan through and through so toji’s not my favorite either lol#I can’t be that mad at him when Gojo got his get back though like we’re even now#(just kidding. I will think about Riko Amanai every day for the rest of my life)#everyone else moved on but I will never forget u Riko!#also you should take everything I say with a grain of salt because I read JJK for fun#I was really banging two brain cells together trying to formulate a response as to why I’m not a die hard toji anti lmao
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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I hate my life & I hate everything ❤️
#tw sui implied#tw sui ideation#had to tell my therapist i was having thoughts about crashing my fucking car into a pole or a wall#i am so full of rage and pain#literally who spends 2 years telling someone they want to be with them and genuinely does want to be with them and loves them#and looks you in the face and says i KNOW that i want to be with you. but i wont.#and then fucking mopes and is heartbroken#why the fuck are we not together???? why did you just fucking use me for years???? are you a fucking liar?#jesus christ#the literal love of my life#the person who made life make sense#reciprocal too#the kind of love you are lucky to have at all maybe never#most people arent so lucky#and you threw it the fuck away#and now i have to spend the rest of my life knowing i had it and never will again#thank you for the fucking death sentence#oh! and not to mention the fucking narcissist i met on a dating app and almost fell pray to#and it feels like YOUR fucking fault because i shouldnt have to be looking for someone that isnt you#and no yall we didnt just end things yesterday and i got on dating apps#hes been breaking my heart the entire time by denying me a relationship but saying i love you and i want to be with you#and i finally made him make a decision last month and he said i want to be with you but no
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okay I did it! I fucking did it! I have finally seen EVERY PUPPET MASTER MOVIE ever made and also no one should ever do that actually but I'm not on this hell site to make good decisions okay
#puppet master#i have the weirdest god damn relationship with these movies they have just kinda haunted me since scifi channel in the 90s#so this was An Adventure#still kind of annoyed they wasted 'puppet master: the littlest reich' on a movie NOT about wrecking nazis again#because that is like objectively the funniest b-movie title i've ever heard#oh well at least that timeline will never be revisited ever#and i actually enjoyed blade: the iron cross despite the trainwreck budget#because a) it wasn't the littlest reich and b) it knew exactly the kind of stupid it wanted to be and was completely unapologetic about it#which is kinda my feels on the PM axis movies as a whole except for the bit part human japanese villains#who are excessively uncomfortable to watch and make zero sense for so many reasons#everyone talks about the kamikaze puppet being bad and yes he is but he was also made in a nazi lab and exists for like 5 minutes#so at least his badness like blends in with the rest of the dumb movie#those human chars tho wtf was anyone thinking#oh well though#go to sleep ed
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