#but the lyrics do say Blue so... open 2 interpretation which name he has in this particular piece lol

[pillotalkin]

My assigned piece for pokemonexchange22 (which I forgot to post until now- whoops!!!): Green/Blue singing the lyrics to Taylor Swift’s “Red” while his Red listens, amused, for @lemonjelloarts !!

[pepethehobbit]

Take the sadness out of Saturday nights

VDS Week 2021

Day 2: Enemies/Friends to Lovers/ Meet-Cute

Word Count: 6015

(Title from Stop making this hurt by the Bleachers)

Ao3

Lucas heads straight to the bar as he enters the pub. He doesn't really want to be here but he also doesn't want to be at home, where his ex-boyfriend is currently picking up his stuff. Thankfully, he lives with Kes, who stayed there so he can kick him out when he's done. It's been two days since Lucas has broken things off with him and they weren't even together that long. It's not like Lucas was seriously in love with him, which is why he doesn't understand why he's so sad. He orders a vodka soda straight away because he intends to drink until he forgets about this empty feeling in his chest. The bartender sets the glass down in front of him and Lucas takes in his surroundings for the first time since he sat down as he begins sipping on his drink.

At the back of the pub he notices a makeshift stage with a microphone and a guitar already set up. The bar itself is only moderately crowded so Lucas figures whoever is going to perform on there tonight won't be very known. He notices a group of guys directly in front of the stage sitting at one of the bigger tables. Lucas can't make out what they are saying but it's clear that they are excited to be here, so they must know who's going to perform. The sadness in his heart grows heavier as he watches how the guy with the platinum blonde hair leans over to the guy with the curly brown hair to give him a kiss on the cheek and to place a comforting hand is curls. It's the easy familiarity and comfort that even a stranger like Lucas can so clearly see that makes his heart ache for the same thing.

He is about to stand up and leave, suddenly feeling pathetic for getting drunk in a bar all alone on a Saturday night, when he sees someone getting on stage and hanging the guitar around his shoulders. The guy starts tuning his guitar and Lucas is fascinated how the skilled and fast fingers are playing over the strings. He steps up to the microphone, taps it once to see if it's on and only then does he look up for the first time since he entered the stage. Lucas would try and suppress the memory later but he can't deny the fact that his heart skipped a beat when he looked into those eyes for the first time. He knows it's ridiculous but the guy feels familiar. His eyes are emanating a warmth and kindness that makes it hard for Lucas to tear his gaze away.

“Hi everyone. I'm Jens Stoffels and if you don't mind I'm going to sing a few of my songs for you tonight. I hope you enjoy.” Lucas hears excited whoops coming from the table at the front and the rest of the crowd joins in with their clapping. The guy, Jens, smiles at his friends and shakes his head in a way that Lucas can only describe as fond. And when Jens begins to sing Lucas' last shreds of wanting to leave have disintegrated completely. His voice is soft and powerful at once, calming like a comforting blanket and Lucas is in awe at how effortlessly beautiful Jens is when he sings.

During the song Jens lets his eyes wander over the crowd, probably taking in their reaction when he gets to the bar and his gaze stops at Lucas. Lucas feels his heartbeat quicken as a small seemingly surprised smile spreads on Jens' face while he is still singing. He can feel his own smile spreading, albeit much shyer and less open then Jens'. He holds his gaze a few seconds longer before the moment gets too much for Lucas and he drops his gaze towards his drink. Taking a sip from his vodka soda he wonders how such a short moment of eye contact can make him feel so jittery and vulnerably exposed.

Lucas lets Jens' voice and beautiful lyrics fill his ears and mind. His songs are beautiful, from melodic and slow to upbeat and happy and Lucas can't help but chancing a glance towards the man on stage every now and then. He is surprised when at some of those glimpses Jens is already looking back at him. And even though Lucas couldn't rationally explain why, Jens somehow feels significant.

When Jens announces his last song for tonight an unreasonable disappointment overcomes Lucas, not wanting Jens to stop singing. “My last song for tonight is called 'Hoping'. I hope you enjoy and thank you for a beautiful night.” Jens' words are directed at the whole crowd but his gaze is solely on Lucas as he says them. There is a shy smile playing at his mouth and Lucas feels himself blush, but this time he is unable to look away from Jens' warm eyes. Jens begins to play and as Lucas lets the song and the beautiful melody wash over him as he realizes it's about a boy hoping to find love.

It's impossible. Lucas shouldn't feel this affected by someone he hasn't even talked to and yet somehow he knows that Jens is already under his skin. The song ends and Jens sends another thank you out to the crowd and finds Lucas gaze once again, sending him a determined smile. Jens gets off the stage, disappears somewhere backstage and Lucas releases an unbelieving little laugh at the whole situation. He takes the chance to look at his phone and when he sees the message, reality comes crashing down on him like a ton of bricks.

Kes

He's gone now. It's safe to come home.

All at once, the sadness is back and Lucas is reminded of the situation that brought him here in the first place. He is going to go home and he's going to be alone again, because apparently Lucas isn't able to find someone to love. He knows he sounds ridiculous, he's only 21 but with his track record of shitty boyfriends it's hard to believe that he will find someone who will not only accept his love but also return it.

When he walks to the door he chances one last look over his shoulder towards the stage. He sees Jens surrounded by his friends, laughing and smiling and generally happy. And as if Jens can feel the eyes on him he looks up and meets Lucas' gaze, just like he did for the rest of the night. Jens' smile drops when he sees that Lucas is on his way out, disappointment flashing across his face. Lucas falters for a moment, unsure if he's really the cause for such a look. But his insecurities take the upper hand and with one last sad smile at Jens he steps out of the bar and into the coldness of the streets of Amsterdam.

~0~

Jens can't stop thinking about the boy from the bar with the beautiful but sad eyes. It was three weeks ago but somehow this boy, whose name he doesn't even know has planted roots in his mind and Jens can't bring himself to tear them out. The first thing he noticed about him, when he saw him sitting down at the bar, was that he looked sad and Jens was confused about the strong urge to find out why and make it better. When their eyes met during his first song, Jens had to seriously concentrate not to mess up the chords and keep singing. Though he couldn't stop the smile from spreading around his moving mouth when he saw the boy smile for the first time since he entered the bar. Jens was so intrigued by him, wanted to hold his gaze and find out everything there is to know about the boy with the ocean eyes and the artfully tousled blond curls.

But then he just left and Jens felt more disappointed than he rationally should have. Because all they did was exchange shy smiles and hesitating glances, but he can't shake the feeling that it meant more, something significant. He catches himself before his thoughts wander off in that direction again, because in the end they all lead down to the hopeless impossibility of ever seeing that boy again. In a city like Amsterdam he can't expect that he will simply pass him in the streets. And even if he does, the boy left. Maybe he interpreted it all wrong and the boy wasn't interested in him at all, he wouldn't even have the courage to speak with him should he ever run in to him.

His job at the cafe on campus works as a good way to distract him. He only started a little over a month ago, wanting to help his parents pay his college fees and rent. With him studying music he already makes his parents worry about their son's future and he doesn't want them to worry about the money as well. His music also helps, even if just a little. He sells a few CDs but it's mostly over streaming services that he gets a few royalties. It's not enough to make a living out of but Jens hopes that one day he can live off of what he really wants to do.

Jens hears the jingle of the bell when the door of the cafe opens and he snaps out of his thoughts, ready to greet the customer. Only he can't get any words out and freezes on the spot when he sees the man who just walked in. His attention is on his phone, head turned down but Jens  recognize him anyway. The boy from the bar steps up to the counter and Jens is unsure about how he should handle this. Should he tell him? Does that come of as creepy? Would he even recognize Jens? It's the last thought makes Jens decide to hide the fact that he remembers him and he simply does his job. “Hi, what can get you today?”

The boys head snaps up finally and Jens really wasn't prepared to see those blue eyes again. He isn't sure how to interpret the look on his face, a mixture of disbelief and shock, in fact for a moment it looks like he's ready to bolt again. Does he recognize him? The longer the boy stares at him the surer Jens is that he does and a weird fluttering feeling is spreading in his stomach.

“One large caramel macchiato, please,” is all he says in the end, face turning away from Jens. He isn't sure but Jens thinks it's to hide the blush spreading on his cheeks. Jens is about to turn around to start working on his coffee when he remembers he still doesn't know the boy's name.

“Can I have a name for the order?” Jens tries to put on his most charming smile and hopes that the boy won't take notice of the fact that they don't really ask for the names anymore, only if it's super busy, which it isn't for a Tuesday afternoon. The boy looks up again, then around the mostly empty coffee shop and it's Jens turn to blush when he smiles at him, as if he knows. “Lucas. My name is Lucas.”

Lucas. His name is Lucas. Jens can't stop the happy smile from spreading as he turns around to work on his order. He feels Lucas' eyes follow him as he prepares the coffee and it makes his pulse quicken in excitement. Jens contemplates if he should write his number on the cup or if that's maybe a bit too much. In the end, he chickens out and simply tells him his total. “That makes 3,50€, Lucas,” Jens says as he places the cup in front of him, wanting to know how the name would feel falling from his lips. Lucas smiles at him again as he pays for his drink and the fluttery feeling in his stomach comes back in full force.

“Thanks you, Jens,” Lucas says with a slight blush but confidently meeting Jens' stunned gaze. Jens can't do anything but watch Lucas leave once again, but when he turns around at the door to look at him over his shoulder, Lucas doesn't look sad this time. As soon as Lucas leaves, Jens looks down at his apron. A feeling of hope flowing through him and for the millionth time today, he can't stop the smile from spreading on his face.

He isn't wearing his name tag.

~0~

Lucas can't believe his luck. He must have done some serious good deeds in his past life to deserve this second chance. Almost as soon as he left that bar three weeks ago he regretted his decision. This regret only got worse as soon as he told Kes and Jayden about that evening, both agreeing that he is an idiot for leaving. He couldn't stop thinking about Jens, the way he smiled at Lucas and the way his music made him feel. Lucas admitted to Kes that through a little bit of online stalking he was able to find his Spotify and it's all he's listened to in the first week and then deciding that it felt like a little bit too much. He even found Jens' Instagram but wasn't brave enough to press the follow button, scared of the attention that would bring. Because even though Jens has considerably more followers than Lucas, he hasn't gotten enough that he wouldn't notice a new person following him.

He tried not to think too much about him, instead focusing his attention on his current art project he needs to do for his contemporary art lecture. But it's harder than Lucas thought it would be, not thinking about Jens. He comes across so many things that remind him of that night: Jayden got it in his head to learn how to play guitar, Kes is actively torturing him by playing Jens' music on Spotify every time Lucas enters his room and Lucas isn't sure but he thought he saw the guy with the platinum blonde hair in his art history lecture.

Despite this, he thinks that he deals fairly well with the fact that he missed his opportunity with Jens and simply wants to move on with his life. He can't keep wondering what would've happened if he had stayed. And because his life is simultaneously the best and the worst he meets Jens again when he expects him the least. He wasn't sure if Jens remembered him, couldn't really get a read on his expression but when he not so subtly tried to find out his name and when he smiled at Lucas when he gave it to him, the hope of having gotten a second chance to get to know Jens spread a comforting warmth around Lucas' heart.

Lucas wants to go back the next day, hoping Jens will be there again but he also doesn't want him to think he is a stalker or something. So he waits a few more days and then goes to the coffee shop around the same time of day he caught Jens the last time. A giddy feeling makes his way into his stomach when he sees Jens cleaning a table at the window of the cafe. The jingle alerts Jens to his presence as he opens the door and when he meets Lucas' gaze a wide smile spreads on his face. Lucas ducks his head and smiles to himself as he walks up to the counter. There is another barista behind the counter ready to take his order but before she can do so Jens is there to say: “I'll take his order.” She looks at him confused but when her gaze turns towards Lucas and back towards Jens, she just nods once, smiles knowingly at Jens and nudges his elbow as she takes over Jens' task of cleaning the tables. Lucas watches the exchange with an amused smile and then Jens turns his attention towards him. “Large caramel macchiato?” Jens asks him with a hint of pride in his voice for having remembered Lucas' order.

“Yes, please. I want to drink it here though,” Lucas says and he notices how Jens smile grows even deeper. “Okay, I'll bring it to you when it's done. That makes 3,50€ again.” Lucas pays for his drink and chooses a table where he'll be able to subtly watch Jens behind the counter. He gets out his sketchbook and begins drawing random little sketches while he waits. He doesn't notice Jens approaching and looks up startled when he places down the coffee and a blueberry muffin he didn't order. Lucas looks down at the muffin and back up at Jens who answers his question before he can even ask it.

“For you, Lucas. On the house,” he says with a sure smile and a wink, just as Lucas thought Jens couldn't fluster him any more than he already does. Hearing his name falling from Jens lips makes his heart beat faster. He tries to collect his last shreds of composure, smiles up at him and asks: “Do you want to share?”

With a glance to his watch and his eyes shining with excitement he answers: “I'm on break in 30 minutes. Will you wait?”

“Yeah, okay, I'll wait,” Lucas says easily, the thrill of finally getting to spend time with Jens making him giddy. Jens lingers for a moment, returning Lucas' smile before making his way back to the counter. Lucas watches him as he goes and he wonders when the last time was that he was this excited about something.

Lucas tries not watch him all the time, but Jens catches him looking every once in a while and he smiles at Lucas every single time, so Lucas figures he can't be too bothered by it. He turns his attention back to his sketchbook, letting his hand wander across the paper and before he even realized he was doing it, he'd drawn a sketch of Jens, albeit rough but undeniably him. Before he can even think about hiding it, Jens suddenly slips into the chair opposite of Lucas and takes a look at the drawing of him.

“Is that me?” Jens' voice sounds awed and the anxiety in Lucas stomach eases a bit, glad that Jens isn't creeped out by Lucas drawing him.

“Yeah, that's supposed to be you. Do you like it?” Lucas asks with barely concealed hope. Jens turns his attention from the drawing back to Lucas and looks at him with the same awed expression that was mirrored in his voice. “Yes, Lucas this is incredible! How long did that take you?”

Lucas blushes at the compliment and Jens gaze turns fond. “I don't know? Like twenty minutes?”

“You drew this in 20 minutes?” Jens asks disbelieving. Lucas tries his best not to laugh at the shocked expression on his face. “Yes, honestly Jens. It's just a rough sketch, it's really not that good.” Jens scoffs as he turns his attention back to the drawing. His voice is soft when he asks: “Can I keep it?”

Lucas throat suddenly feels tight and he has to clear his throat before he answers so his voice doesn't come out hoarse, an inexplicable feeling overcoming him over Jens wanting to keep his drawing. “Yeah, if you want to, it's yours.”

Jens' answering “Thanks, Luc” is so soft and awed and the smile he sends Lucas causes every butterfly in his stomach to start flying all at once. They look at each other for a few moments longer, something significant passing through their gaze before Jens breaks the eye contact and asks: “So, you're an artist?”

“I want to be. I study art at the academy.” Jens' head snaps back up again and he asks: “Really? A friend of mine studies there as well. Maybe you know him? Sander Driesen? He has this, like, platinum blonde hair, always wears Doc Martins?”

Lucas thinks back to his art history class and yeah, he's seen him a couple of times, but he never knew his name. He remembers seeing him at Jens' performance first though and he contemplates whether he should tell Jens this. They still haven't really acknowledged the fact that they both recognize each other from that night, apart from Lucas calling Jens by his name the last time. So Lucas decides to jump in at the deep end.

“Wasn't he also at your concert?” Lucas asks hesitantly, but carefully watching Jens' reaction. He turns to him surprised but then a small smile is tugging at the corners of his lips and he nods. “Yeah, he was there, with a few of my other friends. Sander's boyfriend is my best friend, Robbe.”

“I noticed them. They were really loud in their support for you.” Lucas lets out a little laugh at the memory and Jens raises his eyebrows daringly when he asks: “Shouldn't they have been?”

“Fishing for compliments?” Lucas asks in return and laughs at the way Jens rolls his eyes. When Jens doesn't say anything in back, Lucas rips of a little piece of the muffin and then nudges it in Jens' direction, silently telling him that he can do the same.

“I really liked your music,” Lucas admits after a while, breaking the companionable silence.

“Really?” Jens asks and his voice sounds hopeful, as if Lucas opinion matters to him.

“Yeah,” Lucas admits before he ducks his head and continues. “I found you on Spotify and listened to your songs for a week straight.” Jens doesn't say anything for a while and Lucas is scared that he said too much, but when he finally looks back up at Jens he watches him with an expression that makes his heart beat faster and his hope grow even more. Lucas feels vulnerable and exposed with the way Jens is looking at him, but he somehow isn't scared.

Jens clears his throat and nervously fidgets with the muffin before he asks: “There is this bar that I'm playing at next Saturday. Do you, I mean, do you want to come with me? As my date?”

Lucas' grin is impossibly wide when Jens looks at him again and he nods excitedly as he gives his answer. “Yes. Yes, I would love to.” Lucas doesn't even try to conceal the obvious happiness in his voice and Jens' eyes light up at his answer.

“Okay. Give me your number, then I can text you the details.” Jens pulls out his phone and hands it over so Lucas can put his number in. Their fingers brush as Lucas takes it out of Jens' hand, the feeling of Jens' skin on his flowing through him like electricity. As Lucas hands back the phone when he is done, he does it on purpose, caressing the back of Jens' hand with his index finger. Jens' smile is blinding and Lucas can only think, once again, how beautiful Jens is.

“I need to get back to work now,” Jens says, but he doesn't move away from Lucas' table or even takes his hand away. “Okay,” Lucas answers but doesn't release Jens' hand either. Jens looks at him and lets out a happy, disbelieving laugh as he eventually stands up to leave, taking the sketch Lucas drew of him. “I'll see you on Saturday, then.” Lucas simply nods his head, even though it wasn't a question.

Jens gets back to work and Lucas finishes his coffee and muffin. When he gets up to leave, he catches Jens gaze once again and gives a small wave as he walks to the door. He is already out of the cafe when someone gently grabs his elbow and turns him around. Jens is in front of him and Lucas' heart begins to beat impossibly fast as he leans down to press a gentle but lingering kiss to Lucas' cheek. “See you on Saturday, I'll text you,” Jens repeats in a soft voice and then he is gone again. Lucas barely resists the urge to lift his hand to his cheek like a freaking cliché but he can't stop smiling on his way home.

~0~

Jens is a bundle of nerves on Saturday. He texted Lucas as soon as his shift ended and they basically never stopped. It's ridiculous how much he already likes him and if he's being honest, he's a little scared that he's gonna mess this up and they haven't even got past their first date. Which is tonight and Jens can't for the life of him find his usual ever present chill.

He texted Lucas that he should meet him at the bar, Jens wanted to pick him up but he had to be here a little earlier to set everything up. He's nervous to perform in front of Lucas again, even though he already told him he liked his music. The bar he performs at tonight is a little bit smaller than the last one, it feels more intimate and cozier, which doesn't help to settle his nerves. There are already several people sitting at the tables and a few at the bar, but tonight there's really only one guest he wants to impress.

He tries concentrating on setting up his guitar and already starts tuning it. The familiarity and routine of the task does manage to calm him down a bit but there is still this permanent undercurrent of excitement and nervousness flowing through him. Checking his watch, he's startled to realizes that Lucas should be here any minute. He finishes the last little tasks of setting up and goes to the bar to order a beer. It's a soft spoken “Hey” that alerts Jens to his presence.

He turns around and tries not to be so obvious in his admiration as he takes in Lucas. His hair is curlier than usual, as if he put extra care into it today. Jens wants to pull his hands through it to find out if it's as soft as it looks. “Hey,” Jens replies and is surprised about himself how steady his voice sounds. “Do you want a drink?”

“Sure, I'll take a beer,” says Lucas and sits down next to Jens at the bar, hands on top of the counter, close to Jens' own.

“I'm really happy that you're here,” Jens admits with a hesitant glance towards Lucas who smiles softly in response.

“Me too. I can't wait to hear you play again. I'm pretty sure I could sing along to all the songs now.” Lucas says with a little laugh and his fingers move hesitantly towards Jens', overlapping their pinkies.

“Yeah, I noticed my Spotify streams growing a bit in the last weeks,” Jens say with a teasing smile but he turns his hand around so he can tangle his fingers with Lucas' properly. Lucas looks down at their joined hands and then points his gaze back towards Jens, raising his eyebrows in a challenge. “What kind of groupie would I be if I didn't even know your songs?”

Jens lets out a surprised laugh and Lucas expression turns amused. “Well, I guess I should be honored to have you as my first groupie, then.”

Lucas' grin turns smug as he says: “You definitely should be.” Jens hasn't noticed how close they actually sit together but then he feels Lucas' knee pressing into his thigh and he's pretty sure he doesn't imagine the pleased smile on his face when Jens pushes back.

“So, what do you do when you aren't working at the cafe or collecting groupies?” Lucas asks after a while and Jens has to laugh again but this time because he thinks he can hear a hint of worry in Lucas' voice, as if there was someone else.

“I think you're seriously overestimating my charm here, Luc. So far I only have one groupie and I hope it stays that way.” Jens hopes he doesn't give away too much but so far Lucas seems to have appreciated his boldness. “That's good to know,” Lucas says and squeezes Jens' hand once.

“And you? Isn't there any kind of muse who's waiting to be drawn by you?” Lucas seems to fight a smile that wants to work its way onto his face and he bites his bottom lip to fight it down. He looks up at Jens and holds his gaze for an excruciatingly long time before he says: “That depends. Do you want another portrait of you?”

Jens heart beats faster at the implication and he has to break the eye contact, feeling flustered at the words. As soon as he got home that day he put the drawing on his dresser and Robbe had teased him mercilessly for it, but Jens didn't care. Lucas' drawing of him was so completely different from how he sees himself. Of course, it was obviously Jens, but there was this expression in his eyes that Jens didn't recognize on himself and he was intrigued to find out more about how Lucas sees him.

When he looks up again, Lucas is much closer than he was before and his eyes have dropped down to his mouth. Jens licks his lips, unconsciously leaning closer when–

“Jens, you're up,” says the bartender and Lucas jumps back startled as if he was as lost in their own little space as Jens was. Jens is surprised how easy it is to get lost in a world of Lucas, he nearly forgot that he is supposed to perform tonight. Jens draws back reluctantly and the bartender shoots him an apologetic smile.

He gets up from his stool but not letting go of Luc's hand yet. Jens turns to him, squeezes his hand once and says: “I'll see you later then.”

Lucas' voice is a little breathless when he says: “Yeah, I'll be here.”

Jens sends him one last smile before he steps back and makes his way towards the stage. He grabs his guitar, checks once again if it's tuned correctly and steps up to the microphone to introduce himself to the crowd. “Hello everyone. I'm Jens Stoffels and I'm gonna be playing a few of my songs tonight. I hope you enjoy.”

He lets his eyes wander over the people in the bar but his eyes finds Lucas' quickly and he begins to play.

~0~

Lucas couldn't think it possible but Jens' performance leaves him even more mesmerized than the first one. Probably because Jens' gaze doesn't sway from Lucas' eyes all that often and Lucas is equally as unable to look away as Jens seems to be. And every time Jens catches him singing along to one of his songs the smile that spreads on his face settles something inside Lucas' heart. He remembers the feeling of getting lost in Jens' music and voice only this time it isn't tinged with Lucas' sadness. His pulse quickens every time Jens looks at him and this time Lucas holds is gaze, isn't afraid anymore to get pulled in by Jens' gravity.

Lucas has said it as a joke, but sitting here, being one of the only ones who actually knows the songs and knows Jens, it actually feels like he is his groupie. And when Lucas lets his eyes wander over the other people in the room, taking in their reaction to Jens he knows Jens was wrong. Lucas didn't overestimate his charm one bit. Everyone's attention is solely on Jens as he captivates them with his easy smile, beautiful voice and melodic tunes. He jokes during songs, engages with his audience and when he announces his last song Lucas can actually see some disappointed faces.

The last song Lucas doesn't know and that alone catches him off guard. It's beautiful though and Lucas is enthralled by the tenderness of the lyrics. From what he can tell it's about meeting someone and knowing they're gonna be significant, important to you in a way others weren't until now. Lucas wonders when Jens wrote this song because it feels eerily familiar to what he's been feeling since he met Jens.

When the last notes are slowly fading out there is a moment of complete silence until the whole bar erupts into applause. Lucas is the loudest one of all, cheering for Jens vigorously and shooting him an elated smile when he finds his eyes. Jens looks a little overwhelmed with the reception but returns Lucas' smile with an even brighter one. He thanks his audience once again, places his guitar back in the stand and heads straight towards Lucas. On his way he gets stopped a few times, people complementing him on his performance, but when he is finally close enough he steps right in between Lucas' legs, takes his head in between both hands and gently rests his forehead onto Lucas'.

“Hi,” is all Jens says, his voice sounding giddy and happy and a little breathless. Lucas can feel a few eyes on them but he ignores them for now, letting his hands settle on Jens' waist. He looks up into his eyes and his voice is just as affected when he replies with a “Hi” of his own.

“Wanna get out of here?”

“Yes.”

Jens steps back and tells the bartender that he will pick up his stuff tomorrow, who gives him a knowing smile and throws in a teasing “Have fun.” Lucas absolutely does not blush at that but Jens simply laughs and pulls Lucas out of the bar.

As soon as they are outside Lucas can't hold in his excitement anymore. “Jens, that was absolutely incredible! Honestly, you are amazing!” Jens blushes at the compliment but there is a smile dancing across his face, his eyes alive with wonder. “Thank you, Luc.”

They begin walking down the street and Lucas reaches for Jens' hand and tangles their fingers together. Jens looks at him from the side and his eyes roam over Lucas' face as if searching for something. He looks away again and says quietly: “That last song was for you.”

Lucas stops dead in his tracks and it makes Jens turn around to face him. The reached one of the many bridges of Amsterdam, the lights of the city reflected in the river and for a Saturday night it's pleasantly void of any people. Lucas turns the words over in his head but there's no way he heard them wrong. His voice is breathless as he asks: “You wrote a song for me?”

Jens blushes again but he meets Lucas' gaze head on, eyes soft and hopeful. “Yeah. Did you like it?” Lucas is momentarily rendered speechless but then he steps into Jens' space, lets one hand slide through Jens' hair and settles it at his neck. He moves in slowly to give Jens the chance to move away, leaning his forehead against Jens', noses bumping together gently and before he closes the final distance between their lips he whispers: “Is this okay?”

Jens doesn't answer but Lucas feels his eyes fluttering shut when Jens brushes his lips against his own. He melts against Jens, moving his lips softly and letting his hands brush through Jens' hair. When Jens' hands settle on Lucas' waist to pull him closer Lucas deepens the kiss and he feels more than he hears it, the contented little hum that Jens lets out.

Lucas has never felt like this before. Jens feels so familiar and easy and just so right. Before he met Jens he didn't believe in soulmates. But what else could he be if not exactly that? From the first moment he saw him, stepping onto that stage, Lucas knew that Jens was gonna be important. He was scared about it at first, wasn't ready for what this means, but then the universe gave him a second chance and this time, Lucas lets himself be pulled into Jens' orbit willingly, ready for what ever the universe has in store for them.

[luminecho]

Hello Echo, question. Do you still have Four brainrot? Follow up question. Do you have any songs that you associate with Four? Thanks bestie <3

Answer 1: Steel, I ALWAYS have Four brainrot <3

Answer 2: I am literally SO FUCKING GLAD you asked, you have no idea how excited I got seeing this holy shit. HELL YEAH I do!! Take a few songs from my playlist

If I include more than 3 Sleeping At Last, Of Monsters And Men, or The Oh Hellos songs on any given playlist or list of songs you may be entitled to financial compensatio-- *looks at this list* oh whoops

1) Crystals - Of Monsters And Men - this might as well be Four’s theme song for all I associate it with him. It’s so good. So so so good.

2) Call Them Brothers - Regina Spektor - Obligatory Call Them Brothers mention. This is not original at all I've seen so many other people talk about this song with Four and-- yeah they're right this song is about Four JKHEHBFDEKF.

3) Bad Blood - Sleeping At Last - I'm biased. If you know me then expect way too many SAL songs from me in any list of songs ever because I will never shut up about SAL and they have a lot of songs I like. So there's 4 SAL songs on this list, deal with it jhkwewjkwjkfh. Anyway Bad Blood gives me so many Four feels. 11/10

3) Soap - The Oh Hellos - THIS SONNGG. Ouugghh. I could probably dissect this song if I wanted to go over every little thing in it that makes me think of Four & why but I already exhausted my song infodumping capacity on the last song on this list so perhaps some other time HDEGJDDEKF. Just. The vibes AND the lyrics. Mannn

4) Forgive Me Friend - Smith & Thell - I have both the original and the acoustic version saved to my Four playlist because I really like both versions hwdfjefke but. There's so many ways this song could be interpreted w/ Four and tbh I'm just gonna leave it up to everyone else because every time I listen to it I think of something else lol.

5) Meteor Shower - Cavetown - I don't have much to say about this one other than thinking about this song gives me a LOT of emotions jhqkdhwbefjk. Just,,, it has a lot of self-acceptance vibes to me when I listen to it in this context and I think I'm drawing those comfort vibes from the melody? Idk but they're there for me lol

6) Glitter & Gold - Barns Courtney - Someone did a mini AMV to this song w/ Four a while back for the LU zine and I've associated the song with him ever since hwdkjgefhkfev. I like the vibes. Reminds me of the forge.

7) Lakehouse - Of Monsters And Men - Idk what it is about this song. It has a mix of homesickness feels and storytelling feels and something about that makes me think of Four. Also there's a line about breaking trust in here somewhere heehee hoohoo Vio go brr.

8) I Dare You - Bea Miller - my brain can't decide if I actually like this song or not for some reason buuuut it has big Four vibes regardless lmao. Mostly in the lyrics. Definitely in the lyrics

9) No Light, No Light - Florence + The Machine - based more off the vibes of the song than the lyrics. i don't really have an explanation for this one, it's just always given me Four vibes for no reason hdwkjfgeh. Shadow too. I have it one both playlists

10) I Have Made Mistakes - The Oh Hellos - probably self-indulgent but this one has the self-acceptance and self-forgiveness vibes than go hand and hand with Four as a character so <3

11) From The Ground Up - Sleeping At Last - something about the line "in an effort to remember what being mended feels like" shakes me to my core. Am I allowed to slap the "self-acceptance" label on this song and call it a day? Cause,,, yeah the self love in this song. Ough. Also the themes of growth and being somewhere that's truly home.

12) Overture III / Awake - Sleeping At Last - Bestie this one's so self-indulgent. This song is pretty new and when I tell you that I latched onto it the DAY I first heard it FTHDGHWJKEFG. I connect so deeply with this song and I can and will project every emotion I experience ever onto Four which means he gets this song too. <3 Also it once again has themes of self-acceptance

13) September 15, 2017: Cassini - The Grand Finale - Sleeping At Last - OH MY GOD *VIBRATES INTO THE FIFTH DIMENSION*

Alright alright alright. Listen. This song is entirely instrumental. So why do I associate it with Four, you may ask?

WELLLLLLLL.

First of all, happy anniversary to the event this song was written about! Or-- well, it was the anniversary when this ask was sent djwhfkhjdewjhke. I took a while to answer it. BUT still. Happy anniversary!

Second of all, strap in cause I’m about to infodump the hell out of this song on my way to explaining my reasoning behind why I associate it with Four. It might seem irrelevant at first but trust me, I’ll get there.

(All the stuff I mention here is all explained in a much better fashion by the artist behind Sleeping At Last on his podcast episode about the song here. I'd absolutely recommend giving it a listen if you're interested!)

Cassini was written about a satellite with the same name that was built with the intention of exploring Saturn. On September 15, 2017, its journey was complete and its course was set to crash into Saturn in a brilliant grand finale. Hence the name of the song.

This song is a medley of four of Sleeping At Last’s songs, written as a mirror of the exact flight path of the Cassini satellite. (SAL has songs about each of the 9 planets + our moon.)

The song starts and ends with Saturn. The beginning is a chorus singing the tune of SAL's "Saturn" and the ending is that the song on the "Astronomy, Vol. 1" album leads straight into SAL’s "Saturn" to symbolize Cassini crashing into the planet. Cool, right?

After the opening the song crescendos with SAL’s "Earth" to represent Cassini’s launch. Cassini passed by Venus twice in its flight, so the part of the song immediately after that is from SAL's "Venus". The next part of the song (and ofc the next part of Cassini’s flight) is Jupiter! It’s very faint and distant since Cassini only passed by the planet. Aaand then finally it reaches Saturn.

Now what does any of this have to do with Four?

Welllllll, it's all a bit of a stretch but LET ME HAVE THIS hdgjhkjdwef.

I mentioned that Cassini is a medley of 4 different SAL songs.

Venus could easily be associated with Red! It’s a love song and love of course comes from the heart and all that. But it’s also a song that reflects wonder and awe and I feel like that’s a very Red feeling.

Jupiter is a song I associate a lot with Green, not only because of the song itself but also because of the planet and Green’s wind element. Jupiter is well-known for its storms! So it seems fitting for Green. Jupiter is one of the songs I have on my separate playlist for Green too. It has vibes of instinct and wanting to make things count and make a difference which I feel like fits him.

I feel like Saturn and Earth are interchangeable with Blue and Vio. I’d probably tentatively assign Blue to Earth and Vio to Saturn for now despite Earth being Vio’s element and me generally associating that song with him a lot more than Blue anyway. Saturn is a song about loss and trying to move on and I think Vio encompasses that feeling and experience. It’s very melancholy and slower-paced too, which fits Vio more. Whereas Earth is a very powerful, somewhat explosive song (which fits Blue’s vibe) about ignorance and possibly arrogance. ALSO if you go with Blue as Earth then it works even nicer because Earth and Venus are woven together very closely in Cassini. Which could represent how Blue & Red are both the "heart" of Four compared to Vio's mind and Green's instinct.

And ALL of these songs are packed into Cassini into a convenient little medley. Four songs blending seamlessly into one another creating a whole song that makes me want to throw my hands in the air and weep.

And how perfect that the day Steel sent this ask is coincidentally the anniversary of the day the song is about. jhkqdwfgehf. It was meant to be :>

[givemeonebreath]

A big, messy Linked Universe playlist

Link for Links

Heavy on the angst, because of who I am as a person. (At the same time, don’t take it too seriously, man.)

Influenced by canon, manga (TP Link is really Going Through It™ ), my personal perceptions, and popular fandom canon.

A pretty wide variety of genres, with a bias towards metal and prog rock.

I kept snippets of lyrics for most songs, also because of who I am as a person. (Some were particularly hard to narrow down to just one verse or chorus.) Those - and a little more rambling - are under the cut if you really want, in the order of the playlist. But. It’s long.

I didn’t initially make this with the intent to share, but hey. Throughout my past year+ of listening, I’ve been haphazardly adding songs to a playlist I very creatively named Links. If something reminded me of them, whether through the music or lyrics or both, I threw it on the playlist, so some songs might seem odd or vague. Some are really on the nose, as subtle as a sledgehammer. (Sky for Sky? Dude. Sorry.) Some are there because of a fitting line or two that stuck in my head. Ultimately, music - like any form of creative expression - can be interpreted in a multitude of ways. 

My listening habits and tastes are erratic, which is why this is one big, jumbled playlist and not separated for different Links. Not to mention if I did that, some (Wild, Legend) would have a lot and some (Wind, Four) would have none, both because of my own familiarity with them, and because of the general themes of the music I tend to listen to. Most songs are a general ‘hero’s spirit reborn’ mood, anyway - those are the first part of the playlist. The second half is more nuanced to specific Links, plus a few Ganon vibes.

1. Deep Purple - April (Koji Kondo, composer of the original Legend of Zelda theme, was into Deep Purple as a kid, and it shows.)

2. Kamelot - Regalis Apertura

3. Au4 - So Just Hang On, Beautiful One (I’ve posted this here before. I can’t hear it without thinking of LU now.) So I slipped in through the gate almost unknown. All my border stamps were late. Seven days old. Cold hand griped my shoulder blade, broke the bone. Bloody nose and turned away, all the way home.

4. FC Kahuna - Hayling Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here

5. Glass Animals - Youth Boy, when I left you you were young I was gone, but not my love You were clearly meant for more Than a life lost in the war

6. Pain of Salvation - Restless Boy A restless boy in a world too slow A flame born into cinder, ash, and glow I've given everything I gave it all Yet find myself alone

7. Haken - The Endless Knot Our design shifted frame by frame! Across the line our cycle starts to fail. Our design shifted frame by frame! Across the line we die to live again.   We need a story to believe in. We need a hero to prevail. We need a challenge we can overcome, it takes a tragedy to make us one 

8. Kamelot - Memento Mori (I particularly associate this with Time and Twilight) I am the god in my own history The master of the game I may believe if she would come to me And whisper out my name Sometimes I wonder where the wind has gone If life has ever been Sometimes I wonder how belief alone Can cut me free from sin

9. Katatonia - Fighters Look I told you so We never stop If we said that We'll back it up For sure You know We're fighters

10. Megadeth - This Day We Fight! (I mean, all Links, but particularly Warriors) For this I was chosen, because I fear nothing With confidence I tread through the dead of the night Off to another war-torn, faraway battlefield Wherein lies a demonic enemy horde

11. Moon Tooth - Igneous Well, the spirit took me And this old broken body leapt up and danced Settin’ out Settin' out with all my heroes in a bundle at my back Hawk am I More wings span in my shadow than overcast Yeah, you know what they say Always need something to look up to, ha

12. Samael - Moongate Destiny, tomorrow is today Destiny, without boundaries How many nights will we spend together traveling infinity back and forth and again How many times will we go together questioning eternity about us about our wonders...

13. TOOL- Parabola This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion

14. Lunatic Soul - Blood on the Tightrope No matter how hard you try To shut down your feverish thoughts They hunt you down with no regret Cause you have to fix it all

15. Hybrid - Keep It In The Family

16. Soul Savers - Unbalanced Pieces Gone, now carry on Through violent seasons I call you mother, mother, mother In vain, absent chain The twilight's bleeding And the playing board has two unbalanced pieces

17. Steve Von Till - Valley of the Moon All she gives is a stone facade Like ill-given flowers at a dead man's wake Here we slave for the dreams of another And fight over scraps like wayward dogs

18. Ludovico Einaudi - Experience

19. Lunatic Soul - Summoning Dance Three stones on the right side Three stones on the left My vicious circle of life and death   “Oh you want it” I hear it again “Oh you want it” My burden Curse to break

20. Lunatic Soul - Through Shaded Woods Run through your shaded woods Run through your shaded mind Run through the night Run away Run through the darkness Run

21. Lunatic Soul - Naavie

22. David Bowie - Nature Boy There was a boy A very strange, enchanted boy They say he wandered very far Very far, over land and sea A little shy and sad of eye But very wise was he

23. The Dandy Warhols - Sleep Well, I could sleep forever But it's of her I dream If I could sleep forever I could forget about everything 

24. Au4 - Everyone is Everyone (and Everything is Everything) Tripping and tumbling, Flipping and fumbling. Flowing on the rivers of sadness That have been forever rumbling.   But from dawn until now Of all the paths that I could have gone down Of all the valleys That I could have been flowing through.   In spite of all the chaos And all that has come between us, How is it I still find myself Here with you. 

25. Kingcrow - Everything Goes Your hands again upon the ground Falling rain for hours and hours As you learn the game Time dispels the fog ... Ever been there? Ever felt like prey? Ever thought your mind was feeble? Lot of things that don’t make sense

26. Pain of Salvation - Icon As a child I felt too old And now when I'm grown-up I feel too young A different kind so I've been told Just slightly out of reach and out of time

27. Sophia Loizou - Divine Interference (I got spooky dungeon vibes. Also, the title.)

28. Carpenter Brut - Fab Tool Runnin Gunnin Forward in the phantom shatter so grand Splatter grand, arcanum fuel Wrought iron out of the sky Over me, tells no lie

29. Blue Stahli - Death Will Have to Run All on the open road Where none will ever grow A journey toward the known With countless miles to go

30. Gyroscope - Mistakes & Ladders I am the first? No I can't be the first A continuous nothing, destined for something Tell me who you are and why you trapped me here

31. Queens of the Stone Age - Run, Pig, Run Run, pig, run Here I come

32. Chali 2na & Krafty Kuts - Guard The Fort The swords are drawn and odds are stacked And we clash the impact's a thunderous clap Calm demeanor Even though we are under attack [...my turn to guard the fort ready for combat]

33. The Great Discord - Army of Me (lol)

34. Kongos - Terrified I think I'll start again and change my name You only live once or twice, what a shame Somebody fucked up when designing this game

35. Woodkid - Run Boy Run Run, boy, run! This ride is a journey to Run, boy, run! The secret inside of you Run, boy, run! This race is a prophecy Run, boy, run! And disappear in the trees

36. The Beta Machine - The End A million miles away from you this time I'll do what it takes I'm on my way If lines are in the sand I'll go under If I can make it in time I will bring you back with me

37. Devin Townsend Project - Gump When we last met who was I? I'm sorry we no longer see eye to eye The energy to keep you in while keeping myself out I'm sorry how you'll take this  But I just don't have the patience anymore 

38. Arrested Youth - Riot! I can't get much satisfaction living in this cave It's tough to breathe, I'm in the belly of the beast Can't sleep with all my rage With me and all my generations living in this cage Pick up your guns and tell your sons, tonight we break the cage

39. Led Zeppelin - Friends So anytime somebody needs you Don't let them down, although it grieves you Some day you'll need someone like they do Looking for what you knew

40. Faunts - M4, pt 2 (Wild) Fight your foes you're not alone Holy war is on the phone Asking to please stay on hold Bleeding loss of blood runs cold And I need you to recover   Because I can't make it on my own

41. Faith No More - Ashes to Ashes (Wild) I want them to know it's me, it's on my head I'll point the finger at me, it's on my head Smiling with the mouth of the ocean And I'll wave to you with the arms of the mountain

42. Devin Townsend - Jupiter (Wild) I know you At least I think I do Everything's changed But in the days that are so dark It's wonderful

43. Katatonia - Neon Epitaph (Wild) Shadow of my shadow Cling not to my grief I am long left behind now You are free

44. The Smashing Pumpkins - The Beginning is the End is the Beginning (Wild) Time has stopped before us The sky cannot ignore us No one can separate us For we are all that is left The echo bounces off me The shadow lost beside me There's no more need to pretend Cause now I can begin again 

45. Katatonia - Lacquer (Wild) My voice travelling Soaring bird above your head The house we lived in Ridden with disease ... The levee breaking I can't live to fight once more The road to the grave is straight as an arrow I'm just staying around to sing your song, baby

46. Eskimo Joe - This is Pressure (Wild) There is no romance in suffocation  The walls fall down like your expectations You want to scream  And you want to shout But you've built up steam  And you can't let it out This is pressure 

47. Portugal. The Man - 1000 Years (Wild) We'll wait 1000 years  Until the end of time We'll wait 1000 more Dressed up in gold and white We'll climb the mountain sides  To find what's in the sky We'll dig through mountain sides  To find what's deep inside

48. Au4 - An Ocean’s Measure of Sorrow (Wild) Forgot my name and who I was. Memories of nothing floating up. All of the sorrow we once knew, Colours the ocean's water blue.

49. Band of Skulls - Carnivorous (Twilight) I am corrosive and cohesive Like a chemical bond I'm all together undone I am the broken kingdom I'm just so, so, so  So carnivorous

50. Glass Animals - Flip (Twilight) I wanna go back with a club and attack I wanna take to my guns and break you I gotta make my little foe take his own

51. TV on the Radio - Wolf Like Me (Twilight) My mind has changed my body's frame, but, God, I like it My heart's aflame, my body's strained, but, God, I like it

52. Kamelot - The Spell (Twilight) All my demons cast a spell The souls of dusk rising from the ashes So the book of shadows tell The weak will always obey the master

53. OSI - Radiologue (Legend) I was dreaming I was heading west thirty days faster Had a fever woke up in a sweat bailing out the water  Can't go on Can't go back   Heard your voice coming through the noise wrote it in the radio log Hurt my head, wondering what you said so I threw it overboard  

54. Katatonia - Don’t Tell A Soul (Legend) I have been destroyed by the perfection that is a lie see I'm moving soon see my feet are already on the road and if you know where I’m going don’t tell a soul

55. Haken - The Mind’s Eye (Legend) The shape of things to come are closer than they seem Changing your design every time you disappear I'm planning my escape through portals of your mind Where people seem to drop like flies

56. Pain of Salvation - Species (Legend) Sometimes I hate my fucking species Yet most days I'll do anything to please it  My generation was fooled to pursue our dreams But it is not what it seems You never need what you want And you rarely want what you need

57. Euringer - Do You Kiss Your Mama with That Mouth? (Legend) All my life, misunderstood I'm fuckin' too smart, too smart for my own good The last question, before I go is "Hey motherfucka, do you kiss your mama with that mouth?"  Yes! I kiss your mama with this mouth

58. !!! - Pardon My Freedom (Legend) Like I give a fuck, like I give a shit Like I give a fuck about that shit Like I give a fuck about that motherfucking shit

59. Team Sleep - Ataraxia (Legend) Froze asleep Coma deep I dream I'm out with you Alone at sea

60. Oliver Tank - Embrace (Legend) You're in my dreams The world is torn apart at the seams And I don't wanna leave Wearing my heart on it's sleeve

61. Machine Gun Fellatio - The Girl of My Dreams (Is Giving Me Nightmares) (Legend) The girl of my dreams is giving me nightmares I don't know what it means but she's got multi-coloured hair When she stands in the sand I dream of peaches And I'm not sure what that means either

62. Earl Greyhound - Shotgun (Legend & Hyrule) I am nobody, nobody is who I am I am a traveler on this land And nothing, nothing, nothing in my hands

63. TV on the Radio - Staring at the Sun (Hyrule) You're staring at the sun You're standing in the sea Your mouth is open wide You're trying hard to breathe The water's at your neck There's lightning in your teeth Your body's over me

64. Echo & The Bunnymen - The Killing Moon (Time) Fate Up against your will Through the thick and thin He will wait until You give yourself to him

65. Sufjan Stevens - Sugar (Sky) Don’t break my heart, don’t break my flow now And all this rage has got to go now Let’s take up this lifeline Come on, baby, gimme some sugar Don’t make me wait Don’t make me wait too long Don’t make me sing the sad song Come on, baby, gimme some sugar

66. Obsydians - Ascension (Sky) Rise above the hardships you’ll face I will sign and keep on rising As long as you are giving me your soul and keep me awake Feel like home and spread your light around I will listen and just be there As long as you are giving me your love I’ll give you my soul

67. Sonique - Sky -_-

68. Enter Shikari - The King (Ganon) Watch your back, my friend I'm about to kickstart a cycle Of never ending revenge And this time it's primal, it's tribal

69. Saul Williams - WTF! (Ganon, Hylia) "You've been polluted, uprooted by time You have been muted, computed but I'm A living vessel of the one, of the moon, of the sun" Hey! You ain't as dead as you seem, what the fuck? Hey! But you keep living your lies

70. These New Puritans - We Want War (Ganon/ Dark Link/ any nemesis I guess) Shadows dance back up, it's happening again If you listen carefully you might hear them whisper: "We hold all the secrets, we hold all the words; But they're scrambled and broken so you'll never know" Can't you see them Floating like black ash? Can't you feel them Crawling down your back?

[vortahoney]

Pick five of your ocs and answer all of the oc questions for each of them. Now.

Okay I’ll do the one that I’m pretty sure you specifically want to know the most

Iza

1. Her human friends call her Kit or Kitty because she hisses when startled

2. Brown eyes, light brownish orangish color, and she has no hair because she is a Ferengi

3. she is 4′6″

4. You could notice their smile across the room

5. I have already said that Iza wears Hawaiian shirts pretty much all the time, but she also wears large (and very stupid) graphic tees from all over the alpha (and eventually gamma) quadrant. She has plenty of Lurian-sized merch for Quark’s. Overall, it’s pretty much big shirt big shoes small pants.

6. Caffeinated 

7. They have a large scar on their right ear, as well as their right cheek, that reaches the corner of their mouth. They got it in an accident that they had when they were little.

8. Their voice is always chipper, even in situations that are not chipper, it isn’t reflective of their emotions, it’s just how they talk.

9. It’s just absolutely covered in knickknacks. They’re a collector!

10. A notebook full of jokes that worked for the crowd and a PADD full of holophotos of their parents.

11. Iza misses her mom a lot and is always very excited when she comes to the station

12. Iza also misses her dad a lot, but they aren’t on AMAZING terms. Her dad is just kind of an asshole, but he wasn’t horrible or anything

13. They had one brother who died in the accident that they had when they were small.

14. They latched onto Bashir pretty much immediately, much to the chagrin of Bashir and also Garak (they’ve never met a doctor that was so nice!)

15. It wasn’t bad! They spent a lot of it in the hospital getting various reconstructive surgeries, and their dad also gets really sick really often, but they had a supportive mom and plenty of friends!

16. I know I could say the accident (for angst reasons) but I’m going to say getting her first pet. It was Klingon Targ. She wants another one.

17. Iza has a pretty big imagination. They can end up jumping to conclusions really quickly, and they are often very VERY far off.

18. Her family had to move a lot for various medical treatments. Her favorite place to live, though, has been ds9.

19. She is SO SCARED that she’ll mess a kid up. 

20. Not a good parent, but a fun one. They’re a little immature, but they’ve got a lot of love to give. Maybe if they adopted a teenager at some point.

21. Her mother and her cool uncle (he’s a Ferengi that we know but you guys can guess which one)

22.  I actually do not know this one. Drop your ideas in the notes.

23. Usually very upbeat people who can match their energy.

24. This sounds bad but shy people. They do not like trying to get people to open up.

25. They haven’t found their soulmate yet, but they’re definitely looking.

26. N/A

27. N/A

28. N/A

29. N/A

30. They got the standard Ferengi education but then went to acting school on Earth

31. They were SUPER outgoing and joined a lot of extra classes and clubs. Botany classes, sewing clubs, carpentry clubs, you name it. They were trying to make up for the time they lost after they spent so much of their childhood in the boring, sterile environment of a hospital.

32. They were super good at Language Arts and acting

33. They were honestly more interested in making people laugh than anything at school.

34. Comedy!! They hope to really take off one day and become a famous comedian like John Mulaney or J’Tahs Tiroha (famous klingon comedian that I just made up)

35. They perform literally every night at Quark’s (or on Ten Forward when they decide stay on the enterprise for awhile)

36. They absolutely love it. They love making people laugh and just being entertaining in general.

37. To be a famous comedian.

38. She acts out when she gets stressed. Sometimes she ends up in a holding cell.

39. She doesn’t get angry very often, but when she does she closes herself off.

40. It’s pretty similar with grief, except she cries a lot as well.

41. Her biggest fear is dying in obscurity

42. Seeing people smile

43. Their sense of humor is really upbeat. They don’t really do self deprecating, only mild stuff in their anecdotes. They also do joke about their feelings and events in their life.

44. She hates it when people refuse to be happy. She also hates when people whistle.

45. Whistling, high pitched noises in general (their hearing aid picks up on a LOT of them so they can get annoying)

46. She regrets not doing more to save her brother when they were kids. She also regrets not taking more time to figure herself out.

47. VERY easily

48. They can be really passive-aggressive since they don’t like to show negative feelings.

49. The accident and the hospitals

50. They haven’t told anyone about their brother. They also had a girlfriend in acting school who left her for reasons she does not disclose.

51. They want to put good into the world no matter what. They are also VERY for the Ferengi feminist movement, but they feel that business is bad and earning money shouldn’t be the only goal. They also have very strong feelings about the treatment of the Dominion aliens. They’re also pretty anti-federation, they think it’s basically an empire masquerading as a democratic union of planets.

52. She’s really motivated by the need to find love

53. She’s pretty physically healthy, if a little scrawny. She does get sick super easily, though.

54. Heart 100%

55. They do not like to think about death.

56. They’re really good at improvising and they care a lot

57. They aren’t very good at interpreting other people’s needs.

58. They try really REALLY hard not to cry because they know that they need criticism to grow, but sometimes they canNOT help it

59. She likes to think of herself as someone who cares

60. If she could change something about herself, it would be how easy she cries or gets anxious

61. They tend to think she has no boundaries, which isn’t TRUE at all.

62. She bears her heart onstage, but almost never one-on-one

63. Physical affection

64. Nail biting and clacking their teeth together

65. Orange juice! She likes thinner liquids

66. Toasted tubeworms

67. Butterscotches, they ate so many in acting school

68. Spring! It’s rainy and it reminds them of home

69 (nice). Cold rain

70. Garak made them read the Never-Ending Sacrifice and once they got their attention on it, they really liked it.

71. A Bajoran sitcom about farmers who adopt a cardassian baby called “Fires in the North” (very loosely translated)

72. Things that are upbeat and very loud. Lyrics don’t really matter as much.

73. Comedy!

74. Blue

75. Plants. Anything outside. The opposite of a hospital

76. They’re actually really fond of Cardassian Voles

77. A cheering crowd

78. Early morning, when everything is just getting started

79. They really like pickle flavored ice cream

80. Those really tiny ones that spit venom in that one guy’s face from jurassic park

81. Make your own question: Did your OC have a favorite teacher?

One of their acting professors was Dr. Ren, a human woman who nurtured her talent for comedy when all her other professors either tried to get her to be more serious, if they didn’t just write her passion off as another Ferengi moneymaking scheme.

[nerianasims]

Billboard #1s 1986

Under the cut.

Dionne & Friends -- "That's What Friends Are For" -- January 18, 1986

While listening to this song, I think it's a very squishy ballad with a nice sentiment that's not for me but is tolerable. Until a certain point. That point is when Elton John has his big part. Dionne Warwick, Stevie Wonder, Gladys Knight: Great, amazing, I love them, and though their talents are wasted on a song this slight, they make it listenable. Elton John's talents are not wasted on a song this slight. Couldn't they have brought in someone else? There's no way Prince would do something like this, but what about Paul McCartney? Kenny Loggins? Billy Ocean? I guess George Michael was too young for the song's schtick. But I'd take even Lionel Richie over Elton John.

Whitney Houston -- "How Will I Know" -- February 15, 1986

Whitney Houston was an amazing, phenomenally talented singer. And she oversang. Almost all the time. She didn't have to; she knew how to sing with subtlety and grace. But oversinging was (and is) popular, so that's what she did. It means I don't like most of her songs, including this one.

Mr. Mister -- "Kyrie" -- March 1, 1986

I'm not Christian any more, but one can pull inspiration from anywhere. I love the phrase "kyrie eleison." There's something beautiful about that combination of sounds, and there's also something beautiful about the sentiment. The music does not live up to it, unfortunately, though the opening is gorgeous. It also gets super repetitive at the end. It's pretty good, but I want it to be great, and sadly it is not.

Starship -- "Sara" -- March 15, 1986

I'm going to have to listen to "White Rabbit" a dozen times to cleanse this from my brain. A band that used to do stuff like that devolving into making this garbage is extremely depressing. This song starts with music box tinkling which sounds nice. Then saxophone over it which... okay. Just the sax would have been nice, but over the music box it's a little much, but I can keep going with it. Then they add a harmonica layered over it, and it's like I'm listening to a parody of mid-80s easy listening. And then randomly there's a drum crash and the weak voice of this guy comes in along with massive synth, and I start to wonder if I'm being punked. Are we sure this song wasn't a joke?

Heart -- "These Dreams" -- March 22, 1986

I watched the video probably hundreds of times when I was a kid. (On Betamax!) I adore this song. I got to it and went well, this is gonna win 1986, because there's only so much rational distance I can take from what was my favorite pop song when I was 9 years old. This song didn't start my Romantic sensibility, but it spoke to what was already in bloom. "There's something out there I can't resist." We'll see what else is on the list.

Falco -- "Rock Me Amadeus" -- March 29, 1986

I love the movie Amadeus, even though it constitutes a massive slander against poor Salieri. It gets Mozart pretty spot-on though. And I always loved classical music, was surrounded by it from infancy, so I was glad to see its popularity spread by the movie. (Yes, at age nine. I've always been a huge nerd.) This song is really fun and well-made too, though of course I can't understand any of the German lyrics.

Prince -- "Kiss" -- April 19, 1986

Prince sings this almost entirely in falsetto, so one would guess I would hate it, since falsetto usually sends me running in the other direction. One would be wrong. I adore it. Prince was that kind of artist -- he could get away with anything. He was notoriously arrogant, but was it really arrogance when it was just a proper conception of his own abilities? Anyway,

of course "you don't have to be cool to rule my world" deeply spoke to my experiences. I was the most uncool girl in school. Until high school, when somehow my not giving a damn about being cool (as I'd failed at it my whole life) actually helped me.

Also when Prince drops to a low note on the last "kiss," it is incredibly hot.

Robert Palmer -- "Addicted to Love" -- May 3, 1986

I have no idea what I'd think of this song without the video. The video infuriates me. The clone-looking emotionless women aren't "sexualized." No, you have to be treated like a human being on at least some level for that. They are purely objectified, treated literally as blank interchangeable things, with nothing at all inside them. The song is skeevy anyway, though I guess the music's good. But blech.

Pet Shop Boys -- "West End Girls" -- May 10, 1986

I've never liked this song and I've never really understood why. It's the kind of song I felt I should like. But I've always felt (since I noticed it as a teenager) that there was something missing. Now I know why: According to the Stereogum article about it, the band leader doesn't like rock n'roll, and is a pop critic. Oh. Some rock is exactly what this song needs. Without it, it's too cold and removed, and to me sounds smug. Also how can you be a pop critic and not like rock n' roll? That is a wrongness.

Whitney Houston -- "Greatest Love of All" -- May 17, 1986

Whitney Houston doesn't oversing on this song as much as usual, so that's good. Though she still oversings. What's not good are the music and lyrics. The music is bland as can be. Lyrically, it starts with "I believe the children are our future" and there's a verse about "the beauty they possess inside." Blargh.

Then after the first verse there's a total change in theme, going into how the narrator never found anyone to look up to. And that the "greatest love" is loving yourself and only depending on yourself and no one else. I despise this sentiment deep in my bones. Not of loving yourself -- though the song claims that's "easy to achieve," which is bollocks of the first order. Rather that you should only depend on yourself. That's literally inhuman. We are social creatures; without depending on each other, we are adrift in nothingness. So yeah. I hate this song.

Madonna -- "Live to Tell" -- June 7, 1986

This song gives me chills. The music is gorgeous and perfectly suited to the lyrics. I listened to the "True Blue" tape many, many times from about age 10 until, um. Well, I listened to the album on Spotify the other night. This song is the standout for me on it. I always thought that Madonna was singing about having been emotionally abused as a child herself. That is apparently not it at all; it's a song for a movie soundtrack. But to me it's about familial abuse. And always has been. It felt like she was singing for me. "The light that you could never see/ It shines inside, you can't take that from me."

Patti LaBelle & Michael McDonald -- "On My Own" -- June 14, 1986

Not the Les Miz song, sadly. It's about how the narrators are breaking up. Patti LaBelle is great, but I am so bored. Michael McDonald isn't bad, but he can't match Patti LaBelle, and even she can't stop this song from being deadly dull. It took me like 5 tries to be able to listen to the whole thing.

Billy Ocean -- "There'll Be Sad Songs (To Make You Cry)" -- July 5, 1986

What makes someone decide to put a parenthetical in a song title? Is there a formula? Anyway, he's singing (in his head) to someone he wants to be with. The "sad songs" are not actually supposed to be sad songs, it seems, but love songs that make him think of her. I guess. I don't know. Something about this song is turning my brain to mush. The tinkly parts and the violins are nice I guess. But I'm going to fall asleep at my desk if I try to listen to this song any more.

Simply Red -- "Holding Back the Years" -- July 12, 1986

Just looking at the lyrics, this song should be deeply depressing. He feels that so far his life has been a waste, but somehow he'll "keep holding on." There's a beautiful saxophone part. The song is not depressing -- it's Blues. It's terribly sad and cathartic at the same time. I'm not thrilled with Mick Hucknall's voice though.

Genesis -- "Invisible Touch" -- July 19, 1986

I did not pay attention to any of the lyrics of this song except the chorus until just now. I thought it was about a woman with an "invisible touch" whom people fall for left and right, and that's true. What I did not know was that she was supposed to be doing it on purpose. Which, okay, sort of like "Maneater"? Except no, because "Well I don't really know her, I only know her name." Then how do you know this about her?! He sounds like a stalker. Or this sounds like a first draft. The music is good enough, and the chorus could make for a good song around it lyrically, if they had bothered with that.

Peter Gabriel -- "Sledgehammer" -- July 26, 1986

I used to think this song was meant to be about a guy who was going to basically tank for you (and also have sex with you.) Well, apparently he wants to solve only one of your problems in particular: namely, that of your lacking orgasms. The "sledgehammer" is supposed to be a metaphor for his dick. Ow? Whatever, I'm going with my own interpretation of it. I like the beginning flute part, which is actually from a keyboard demo. It's a fun song, but it gets pretty repetitive.

Peter Cetera -- "Glory of Love" -- August 2, 1986

"We did it all for the glory of love" is a sentiment I usually adore. But this song is a limp dishrag. Did what for the glory of love? Why does she seem to be thinking of leaving him? And Peter Cetera being "the man who will fight for your honor" is a hilarious idea. His voice is nasally and he sounds like a faker. He comes off as someone who only vaguely understands the small-r romance of flowers and chocolates, and not at all as someone who understands the Romance of a castle far away. Bryan Adams did much better with this kind of thing in the 90s.

Madonna -- "Papa Don't Preach" -- August 16, 1986

The article I'm reading about this says there was a controversy over this song regarding abortion somehow, with left-wingers being upset that the narrator didn't consider it and right-wingers praising her for keeping the baby. Maybe in California. That is not what I remember in Michigan, and I do clearly remember a controversy. What I remember is right-wingers being absolutely incensed that Madonna was singing about the pregnancy of an unmarried young woman (or teenager, though I always felt the narrator was college-age) at all. I also remember one on the radio being angry that this working class girl was keeping her baby rather than giving it up to a rich family.

It is a really good song. Actually it is kinda Romantic. The narrator's in a dramatic life-changing situation, she has to choose whether or not to marry a guy before she's sure she's ready, and there are intense violins. Her father disapproves of her boyfriend, but she needs her father's advice. She's also not ashamed. She's in a difficult situation, but there's no guilt. Good. And this is what made so many people so angry with Madonna, and what was so deeply important about Madonna. She refused to even pretend to be guilty about sex in her music, ever.

Steve Winwood -- "Higher Love" -- August 30, 1986

I think this is about wanting to believe in a god. But then there's "I could make the sun shine from pure desire." Maybe it's about Aphrodite. Chaka Khan sings on this song, and she's obviously the best thing about it. It's not great, but it's enjoyable enough.

Bananarama -- "Venus" -- September 6, 1986

Speaking of higher loves. Bananarama are obviously having a wonderful time singing this 80s dance version of this song, and who wouldn't? The "she's got it" of the song of course also means "I've got it", hence "I'm your Venus." And Bananarama leans into that in a really fun way. It's a great version of a great song.

Berlin -- "Take My Breath Away" -- September 13, 1986

This is the big love ballad from Top Gun. I have managed to escape ever seeing Top Gun, though I've picked up some ideas about it. Mainly that it's a commercial for the U.S. air force, that Tom Cruise looks blank in it a lot, and that there's some kind of volleyball scene. Before I knew it was a commercial for the U.S. air force and therefore avoided it, I avoided it because of Tom Cruise. He has always been a total cold shower to me. As I've said since I started noticing these things (which was right around 1986), he reminds me of a Ken doll.

So the song. It sounds more like it belongs with a fantasy movie than in a modern military movie. Though I guess Top Gun is a fantasy too. But not the kind in which people usually look through hourglasses. It's a big, emotional ballad. I like it but I don't love it. If it weren't associated with Top Gun possibly I'd like it more.

Huey Lewis and the News -- "Stuck With You" -- September 20, 1986

This is a middle-aged man singing to his middle-aged wife about how he's "happy to be stuck with you." It's like if dad jokes became sentient and got married. It's cute and bouncy, and honestly pretty true-to-life. You can't be all higher love all the time.

Janet Jackson -- "When I Think of You" -- October 11, 1986

If "Nasty" had gotten to #1, it would have taken my "best of the year" spot. Sadly, it didn't, and this was Janet Jackson's first #1. "When I Think of You" is a really good song though. Janet Jackson is the best of the Jacksons and always was in every way. I think she was even a better dancer than Michael. (I don't know about "is", considering her age, but she's still a better artist.) "When I Think of You" is a very simple love song lyrically. When her "world gets crazy," she thinks of you to calm down. If this were easy listening, it would be unbearable. But it's a dance song, and a fun one. There's some great bass and interesting syncopation.

Cyndi Lauper -- "True Colors" -- October 25, 1986

This is such a beautiful song. It's helped me through some rough times ever since it came out -- the tape it's on was one of my first. It's straightforward in both lyrics and music, so there's not much to say about it besides that it's a great song.

Boston -- "Amanda" -- November 8, 1986

I am listening to this song now, and I don't recognize it. When they get to the chorus near the end it sounds kinda familiar, but I'm not sure that's because I recognize this song in particular, or because it sounds like every song like this in existence was put in a blender and this is the resulting slurry. Either this wasn't played on the radio much where I lived, or I changed the channel as soon as it was. It wants to be a power ballad, but it's an absolute nothing.

The Human League -- "Human" -- November 22, 1986

I guess it's an apology song, but "I'm only human" doesn't sit right with me as a real apology for something truly bad. He cheated on her. Which I do consider forgivable, depending on the circumstances and apology, but his is that she wasn't around so he was driven to cheat on her. And he should forgive her because he's "only human." Then the woman comes in and says she cheated on him too when they were apart, because she's human too. That makes the song tolerable. Maybe they need an open relationship. They still both sound whiny. And I don't like the music. It's boring and repetitive.

Bon Jovi -- "You Give Love a Bad Name" -- November 29, 1986

SHOT THROUGH THE HEART! AND YOU'RE TO BLAME! I love this song. Also I thought Jon Bon Jovi was hot at the time, though nowadays that 80s perm is hilarious. His voice is still hot though (so is he nowadays, grey hair and all, with his more contemporary haircut.) This song got plenty of radio play. Still does. And deserves it. It's technically a heartbreak song I suppose, but the video gets it right: It's Bon Jovi goofing around on stage in front of a joyous crowd. I love the bass, I love the guitars, and I did mention Jon Bon Jovi's voice is hot, right? Voices over looks every time for me, though both together is obviously welcome.

Peter Cetera and Amy Grant -- "The Next Time I Fall" -- December 6, 1986

Christian fundies had a deep and abiding hatred for Peter Cetera. Maybe they still do. I encountered this multiple times online over the years, and finally looked it up -- it's because of this song. Amy Grant used to be a singer of Christian music only. Then she had a pop hit with this dweeb, and certain usual suspects decided she was being corrupted by him.

The only way this song could corrupt anyone is if they started smashing things because they were so bored. The narrators have been heartbroken but are gonna try it again with each other, and it's as passionless as possible. Amy Grant's a better singer than Cetera by a ways, as she does not sing through her nose, but it's not like anyone could elevate this sludge.

Bruce Hornsby and the Range -- "The Way It Is" -- December 13, 1986

People are racist and treat poor people like shit. And people say that's just the way it is, but don't you believe them. This is true. We have come incredibly far, and things change. It's a good sermon, but as a song it's too simplistic for me, both musically and lyrically. I agree with the sentiment, but it's not a song I really want to listen to either.

The Bangles -- "Walk Like an Egyptian" -- December 20, 1986

Of course I loved this song when I was a kid, all the kids did. But I was already a Bangles fan. I had their first tape, which is their best and has the least pop sheen. I would prefer "Hero Takes a Fall" had been a big hit, but oh well. "Walk Like an Egyptian" is still fun.

BEST OF 1986 -- "These Dreams" by Heart  WORST OF 1986 -- "Sara" by Starship

[uwunnie]

Update + Week 1 recap (Nov.7, 8:21 PM US Mountain Time)

Today marked the final day of the first week since this whole ordeal began. Truthfully, it feels like we somehow transported to the Dramarama video because time seemed to stop, but alas, here we are.

For the recap, I’m not going to put specific dates, but for today’s update, I will title it as such. You’ll see - this should be a pretty easy format to follow (tiki-taka),

For the sake of everyone’s timelines, the recap and update begin after this read more.

-

When news broke out regarding a Wonho’s sudden departure on October 31 (US and the like time-zones), may have been November 1 for other zones, there really weren’t that many updates in the way of efforts to bring him back. That day was full of shock, so everyone was more angry and depressed - even more so compared to now.

But after a day or two, Monbebes managed to channel their emotions into a bigger cause: Bringing Wonho home, and bringing him home we will.

Let’s recap:

Twitter Monbebes, Carter and Kei, organized the GoFundMe to raise $10,000 USD to purchase an ad in NY Times Square.

Within 45 minutes of initial service, the goal had been met.

After a couple days, the donations kept piling in and finally, as of November 3 - the GoFundMe closed at $25,102 USD ($15,102 USD over the original goal).

The ad’s payment was successful and the ad went up! However, my understanding is that the ad’s run-time ends in a few hours.

Ad’s location: New York, 42nd St. and 7th Ave., facing east.

Photos of the ad:

Reads: We shine brighter as a family, then proceeds to list each name of OT7 along with their logo and a photo of OT7 together with MONBEBE on the photo.

The board kicked off on November 6 and ran 30 times per hour for 15 seconds all day except 2-5 AM.

-

A petition calling to keep Wonho a member of Monsta X was published. Within a week, the petition is still going pretty strong with over 400k signatures. The goal is 500k, so I predict it will reach its goal within the next week.

The petition can be found here.

In addition, more projects/campaigns have been released since then and can be found in this master-post here.

Since this day, however, more projects have been revealed, so once I compile all of them, I’ll add them to the previous link.

Let’s remember:

K-MBB left sticky notes on Starship Ent.’s building. Eventually, within a few hours, a staff member was photographed collecting them.

News outlets began reporting about Monbebe efforts to bring Wonho back, thus bringing more attention to our goal.

Celebrities reached out and showed their support of Monsta X.

Monbebes began writing everyone to spread awareness - spanning as far as contacting Moon Jae-in, South Korea’s president.

Naver (shockingly) released a positive article - something that’s very rare.

Efforts are still being made to spread more awareness through physical ads in South Korea.

K-MBB’s held a silent protest outside of Starship Ent.

International fans flew to South Korea to participate.

Staff said they can and will welcome Wonho back.

Staff also helped Monbebes greatly:

Met with MBB’s on the day of the silent protest to help them cut out banners.

These plaques read, “I do not want to remain just a memory,” which are lyrics from If Only.

Supported MBB’s in the fan cafe - even went as far as changing their icons, I believe, to photos of Wonho.

Continued collecting MBB sticky notes and even provided tissues at the protests for those who were crying.

Continue encouraging us to continue with our efforts.

Other fandoms have showed their support for Monsta X and MBB.

International MBB are still organizing a silent protest from what I’ve seen circulating the web.

For Minhyuk’s birthday, MBB adopted four whales as gifts. One is a southern humpback named Monbebe, another a blue whale adopted in Minhyuk’s name. I’ve heard another one was named Monsta X, but don’t quote me on it because I’m not 100% sure.

Minhyuk’s birthday tag also reached #1 worldwide trend.

A set of stars were also purchased and named Lee Hoseok and Monsta X.

NY-MBB got a dance group to dance to Follow.

UK-MBB are hosting fundraisers in efforts to raise money for a central London billboard.

As I stated prior, all sorts of ad efforts were, and still are being, made.

Over 30 tags have consecutively trended worldwide for one week - many of them reaching -#1 trend several times.

K-MBB’s used the original fan chant during one of the performances for Follow’s promotions. If you don’t know what I’m referring to, it means that they used the OT7 chant including Wonho’s name.

300 fans were allowed into the Inkigayo recording - 100 over its normal capacity.

Tower Records, international music franchise store, showed their support in their Japan branch’s sector through MX signs and posters.

MX reminders:

Wonho is still active on the fan cafe.

Majority of the members have been active on the fan cafe.

Minhyuk posted this for his birthday:

Changkyun posted this two days ago:

Wonho is still on Starship’s official site.

This photo was posted a day or two ago:

For those that may not understand, the white ink is circling Wonho’s signature and name on the wristband. Some people claimed it doesn’t matter because those bands are pre-made, but to that I’d like to point out that those bands are made out of paper and his name is printed/signed on the end, so it would have been very easy for staff to cut off the end part if they really wanted to, or were instructed to do so.

This was circulating the web:

Speculations:

Nov. 7: Shownu wore Wonho’s shirt.

Nov. 7: Kihyun wore Wonho’s earrings.

Nov. 7: Hyungwon wore Wonho’s chain.

Nov. 7: Changkyun wore Wonho’s, or a similar, earpiece.

Nov. 7: Our boys left a space for Wonho at the end of their performance. Take a look here and see what you think.

Nov. 2: MX left a space for Wonho during Follow and Find You.

Nov. 2: Jooheon’s lyrical slip-up could have been in protest of what’s occurring.

In regards to this speculation, he did this recently again as well, so my interpretation is that it’s probably related to the protest as well as exhaustion.

Starship info and overall legal matters:

As far as my knowledge extends, this is the ONLY official statement SS has released:

The explanation/speculation of this letter can be found here.

SS is involved in their own, personal, controversy. I’ve made past posts regarding the situation, but for the sake of not stirring the pot, so-to-speak, I’m going to exclude them from this particular post. Until further information about their situation is released, or I feel it’s becoming a detriment to MX, I will bite my tongue.

In regards to 🐻’s controversy, SS confirmed the photos were manipulated (fake).

🐻’s searches have been cleared, at least from my knowledge. I’ve been told that they have been, but I’m not entirely sure if they’ve come back or anything.

I know a lot of people messaged me that particular night in regards to a YouTube video talking about 🐻’s situation and everyone was concerned it would spark up the searches again. I didn’t want to say anything until I saw the video taken down, but I messaged KJ and explained the situation to him. He had no ill intent with his video - in fact, he was trying to help clear the negative rumors revolving around MX. He was just simply unaware that, unfortunately, any publicity regarding 🐻’s situation would trigger the searches again, so I explained this to him and told him about MBB efforts. He completely understood and removed the video.

-

Updates from November 7:

MX received their 2nd win!

The video and post involving Hyungwon’s speech can be found here. HIGHLY recommend watching it.

GOT7 congratulated and hugged each member, and E-Dawn congratulated Changkyun.

Only 10 Monbebes were allowed inside for the performance, so Ahgases (GOT7’s fan club) held up Monsta X light sticks during our boys’ performance in place for the MBB not allowed in. Ahgase also helped MBB with the live voting.

In other words: Ahgase and Monbebe are each other’s sweethearts. 💚🤧💜

Jooheon told MBB not to cry.

They held a fan-sign to which:

Wonho’s photo was projected on the screen behind them. A link to the photo can be found here.

K-MBB informed MX of the Times Square ad.

Changkyun stayed this is the last week of promotions.

Kihyun said he will do a cover of Believer.

I think Shownu earned his PhD? Or is going to?

Jooheon confirmed the release of the studio version of Sambakja, or he said he might. I’ve seen people talking about both, so I can guarantee 100%, but Jooheon, if you’re reading this - please.

Trends continue meaning we’ve successfully trended for one week straight.

Eshy:

Voting for MAMA has been open and Monsta X is a nominee in all except a couple categories.

There’s two ways to vote:

Voting for them in specific categories on the website, here.

Voting on Twitter as well by utilizing:

#MAMAVOTE #monstax

Current twitter tags to trend as well:

#LoveUWonho

#우리_항상_네_곁에_있을게요

@/OfficialMonstaX

@/STARSHIPent

-

Overall reminders:

Do not engage in fan wars.

Do not engage in any hate towards the duo. I’ve said this in the past and it’s practically been confirmed: They’re trying to gather sympathy through the situation they’ve caused by trying to play victim. Popular sites are posting articles painting them in positive undertones and netizens are starting to support them because of the hate they’re getting on their social platforms and what not. Those comments can also be collected and utilized in the ongoing legal case, so please, do NOT engage with them. Instead, channel your energy into MAMA voting, campaigns/projects, trends, and other positive things that will bring Wonho home to us.

Messages to MX, project created by @wonderlanddragon, ends Nov.8/9. The posted regarding the details can be found in the campaign link above!

Bunnies for Wonho, created by @thoughtsfromaclutteredbrain, has been ongoing now. They’ve also planned a new project for a video, so please send in your favorite Wonho moment along with your name and/or nickname to them!

@stay-dont-strayy creates an International MBB project. You can find the info on their blog!

Kpop group chats have been created, links here.

@sezy001234 has also created five tumblr kpop group chats, so hit her up for details on everything!

I’ve also made a kpop tumblr group chat, so if you’d like to be added, send in an ask or message!

The source to find the bunny 7-1=0 profile pictures can be found here in seven different colors.

You can leave letters/sweet messages to the boys on the fan cafe. Please be mindful of the situations at hand when doing so and also, give a little extra love to our baby, Changkyun. MBB at the fan-sign have mentioned that he seems to be struggling the most and tbh, it’s been very visible in his performances and photos.

All seven are trying to be strong for us, so let’s try our best to be strong for them. ❤️

-

We’ve made it through the first week, babes.

We can do it time and time again.

I love you all. ❤️🤧

Let’s bring our bunny home. ❤️🐰

(Posting: Nov. 8, 3:05 AM US Mountain Time // yes, it took me this long to make lol)

[allmusicology-blog]

Self-Titled by Hozier

(For clarification, I will not be discussing the two bonus tracks on the album.)

I am obsessed with Irish singer-songwriter Hozier. He is one of my current favorite artists. He’s just so good. His music consists of rock and folk influences. His voice is powerful and unique. it’s a strong claim, but he is the best lyricist of today’s generation. His lyrics are absolute poetry and continue to still give me chills after many listens.

1. Take Me to Church

This was the first single from Hozier’s first album. It blew up to say the least. It gained massive popularity and played on radio stations across the country. It is a beautiful and powerful song. However if this is the only song of his you have listened to, that needs to change. Hozier is way too good to be considered a one-hit wonder. 

2. Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene

This song does such a great job at storytelling and drawing the listener in. I would describe this song as very rock influenced and sultry. It has a heavy beat and a catchy chant-like chorus. 

3. Jackie and Wilson

This is a laid-back rock-influenced song. The lyrics aren’t as deep as a lot of the songs on this album, but they are still very detailed and tell a story. This song just makes me really happy. The chorus is so sweet and explains what it’s like to be in love. “We’ll name our children Jackie and Wilson, raise ‘em on rhythm and blues”.

4. Someone New

This song starts out differently from the previous ones. It’s more acoustic and calm. The intro consists of a soft plucked strings instrumentation. I can tell that this song is more blues influenced. The chorus is repetitive, but it’s catchy.

5. To Be Alone

This song is one of my favorites on the album. It is powerful and very rock-influenced. It has a heavy driving beat in the verses that drives you in. The chorus is addicting. This song almost sounds hypnotic. It also consists of incredible lyrics: “To feel your weight in arms I’d never use, it’s the god the heroin prays to”

6. From Eden

This is a more calm acoustic sounding song. Hozier’s voice sounds incredible in this song. The chorus is so wonderful and happy sounding. This song is a great example of why Hozier’s songs are so incredible. It’s the combination of amazing instrumentation and breathtaking lyrics that makes him such a great musician. “Innocence died screaming, honey ask me I should know, I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door”.

7. In A Week (feat. Karen Cowley)

This song is an acoustic ballad sung as a duet between Hozier and Irish musician Karen Cowley from the band Wyvern Lingo, which I am unfamiliar with. Her voice suits this song so well though. It’s soft, powerful, and chilling. This song is not a typical love song. Its lyrics are actually very morbid and dark. However, mixed with the acoustic sound, it is beautiful in a strange way. From my interpretation the lyrics are about dying with someone you love. “And they’d find us in a week, when the weather gets hot, after the insects have made their claim, I’d be home with you”.

8. Sedated

I think this is my favorite song of the entire album. It’s so catchy and the lyrics are so good. This is a more rock-influenced song. The melody is addicting and the chorus is strong and anthemic. It also has strong lyrics from Hozier yet again. “Just a little hush, babe, our veins are busy, but my heart’s in atrophy.” When have you ever heard the word “atrophy” in a song? Hozier’s lyricism is just incredible.

9. Work Song

I’m not sure what to categorize this song as. I don’t know if it’s a ballad, or just a slower tempo song. However, it’s definitely one of my favorites of the album both melodically and lyrically. It includes one of my favorite lines ever written by Hozier: “When I was kissing on my baby, and she put her love down soft and sweet, in the lowland plot I was free, Heaven and hell were words to me.” It gives me chills every time.

10. Like Real People Do

This is a gorgeous acoustic ballad-style love song. It is so beautiful. I want it to be played at my wedding one day. It’s not cheesy or cliche. It’s simple, but so good. “Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips, we should just kiss like real people do”.

11. It Will Come Back

This is a bluesy, rock influenced song. This isn’t one of my favorites of the album, but it’s still an interesting and fun song to listen to. This song leans more on the instrumentation than the lyrics. However, it still consists of pretty good lyrics, just not as good as the rest of the album. “Don’t let me in with no intention to keep me, Jesus Christ, don’t be kind to me, Honey don’t feed me, I will come back”.

12. Foreigner’s God

Hozier’s voice sounds so good in this song. The lyrics tell an interesting and detailed story. The melody and instrumentation aren’t as interesting, but Hozier’s voice and lyrics make up for it. The chorus is strong and powerful: “Screaming the name of a foreigner’s god, the purest expression of grief”. My favorite lyric in this song and the one that always stands out to me is “I’ve no language left to say it, all I do is crave her, breaking if I try to convey it, the broken love I make to her”.

13. Cherry Wine - Live

Hence the title, Cherry Wine is actually a track that was recorded live. However, without the title, you would never know. Hozier sounds exactly the same live as he does in his recordings, which is incredible for a musician. It shows true talent. The acoustics in this song are so gorgeous. The lyrics are explained as a story about domestic abuse. It’s such a beautiful and haunting song to end the album on. “The way she shows me I’m hers and she is mine, open hand or closed fist would be fine, blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine.”

In conclusion, this album is incredible and truly has no bad songs on it. If you have not listened to much of Hozier, go listen to him. His voice and lyricism is phenomenal. He also has a newer album out called “Wasteland, Baby!” which is not as good as this album in my opinion, but it is still a great album with some amazing tracks. 

[terri9274]

Taylor’s Unreleased Songs

This is me trying to coalesce some of her unreleased songs and how I interpret a pretty clear queer reading. I might do more than one of these, not sure. I’m definitely not a lyric analysis person but I’ll highlight the songs and some choice lyrics I think are very gay-coded and about her experience as a young gay teenager. Now, who could these songs be about you may ask? For most I don’t know. I don’t really know when most of these were written but most of her unreleased songs were written Pre-2006, prior to the release of her first album. So in that vein, some of them could be about her high school girlfriends, Lacey and Kelsey. Or an unknown crush or hook up. Okay, let’s get into this. Most of the credit for lyrics goes to AZlyrics.com. Most of the songs I’m gonna talk about are here. 

                                “Angelina”

There’s some posts about this already around here and an amazing analysis by @that-curly-haired-lesbian here EDIT: This was written much younger than I thought. She wrote it in middle school in 2002(x)

                              “Being with my baby”

All is quiet in the world tonight Catching stars and fireflies The summer sings a lullaby With just me and my baby On the hood of his daddy's car Pass around his old guitar Bet mama's wondering where we are It's just me and my baby The world is spinning round Cause look just what I've found

Ooh, life's so sweet right here Ooh, keeping it young and crazy Ooh, just wanna stay right here Cause nothing's quite like being with my baby Driving home by the river side Wishing I could slow down time Taking pictures in my mind Both me and my baby The car pulls up and I'm home too late We didn't take that interstate Back roads was a better way For me and my baby The closer that we get Oh, I can't leave yet

Look at what we've found So turn that car around

This reminds me of “Our song” with the subtle-ish sneaking around and the mama lyric. Otherwise cute af song. What if this is about the same person “Tim Mcgraw” is about. She mentions summer in both songs. It seems like she wants time to slow like they only have the summer left like “Tim Mcgraw”. The whole car date under the stars seems familiar(and gay). What if “Tim Mcgraw” is about Lacey, her first girlfriend. The timeline of what we know about Lacey and her fit. Written in 2004(x)

                          “Better off & “Fall back on you”

Talked about these songs here (x) EDIT: “Better off” written in 2004. “Fall back on you” written in 2005.(x)

                                    “Closest to a cowboy”

Snap buttons on a denim shirt Blue jeans and a little dirt That’s the closest you’ll see me Feet hanging out a pickup truck Crazy and a little rough Running free That’s the closest to a cowboy You’ll see me Before I met him I was so sane and grounded Before he taught me how to lie And crawl out the window I learned the dirt roads And I got my heart broken Cause that cowboy taught me how to cry And how to let go I thought there for a little while Every sunset I’d be a riding off with him 

 It was all a little Wonderful and strange But I’ll never look At a sunset the same light 

There’s sneaking around again that is similar to “Our song”, which is important to note she wrote around the same time, like 2005, like most likely most of these songs. What is this is again about the same person “Tim Mcgraw” and “Our song” are about(x) Boyfriend Taylor for the win!

                              “I know what I want”

Don’t try me Don’t fight me You be you and I’ll be me They say I’ve always known What I wanted My friends and enemies Will tell you it’s true You will find out I always get it I know what I want And it ain’t you Your mum and daddy’s walls Are covered up in pictures of you You never met a mirror That you didn't look again into So sorry, don’t worry I’m sure there are so many girls Who love you like you do

Oh baby, don’t persuade me I know that you ain’t used to no So let me say it real slow 

This song is badass and GAY. I love a Taylor song that’s feisty and self-assured and confident. It could be about a guy bothering her even though she has been so clear she knows what she wants and it will never be him(or any guy), especially not some conceited asshole who won’t leave her alone. I love this cuz listening I’m like “You go, Taylor tell him off that you’re fucking gay!” Lol. There are some myspace comments of Taylor’s that are similar the theme of this song a little that I was fascinated by so here they are.

Dec 29, 2005 2:44

Lil’ Kels.

hahahhaha

I looove love love your new pictures. You are pretty,

You’re right.. you better watch out.

Because I do what I want.

-T-

What if this song is at least indirectly about Kelsey? Am I losing my mind? Possibly, possibly. The poem really just reminds me of this song, but like a sadder side of the coin. Either way, this is MAN-HATING LESBIAN WITCHERY. I’m gonna leave you with some wise words from Ms. Leslie Jones that I think is appropriate.

                                    “I used to fly”

I’m hopelessly lost with this song. Maybe a metaphor for hiding a relationship with someone, and they broke up? Its just so vague I really don’t know.

                                    “I’m every woman”

This is a cover and its sexy and cute. Go, Taylor!

                              “Just south of knowing why”

She didn't have a reason to go, oh no She didn't have a reason to stay Either way she didn't tell anyone about her first ray of sun She looked at her keys and found a reason to run And time stands still when you're nowhere bound But I understand it somehow If I could drive all night would I find my peace of mind? Would it be a million miles of cold white lies And unfamiliar exit signs? I just drive on by, just south of knowing why I didn't really know her that well But I could tell that her smile was only something to hide behind She felt so out of touch, cuz she just felt too much If you don't know what you want nothing's ever enough

I don't have a plan, I don't have a map I don't even know if I'm ever going back I don't have a when and I don't have a where I don't even know if I'll know when I'm there

Female pronouns!!! Don’t really get what the songs about exactly except obviously she’s very upset(maybe because of the girl). Maybe she was with a girl for a short time and the girl broke up with her because she didn’t know what she wanted, leaving poor Tay heartbroken and alone in her feelings.

                               “Live for the little things”

One daybreak, one heartache Every once-upon-a-time That black dress, happiness Bubble baths and quarter lines

This is interesting. That verse remind you of anything? “ When you think happiness I hope you think that little black dress”. “Tim McGraw” anyone? Possibly this song is also about Lacey?

                                   “Long time coming”

I got a lying smile I never put out for you Cause I guess I never felt like I really needed to And they say little girls have big dreams And nothing in the world was gonna come between me and you And it was a long time coming I waited half my life just to find someone like you I spent a long time finding out love hangs around after you walk out Not knowing it'd be a long time going They say it's better to have lost than never to have loved at all And I say, whoever said that didn't have too far to fall And they say little girls are so naive That wasn't how it was supposed to be with me and you

I've burned my bridges, had sleepless nights Washed my sins on the neon lights And I'm still not over you

What that? Oh, just the sound of my heart breaking.  “ Washed my sins on the neon lights”. *coughs*gay. Reminds me of the Red album prologue actually. The Neruda quote she quote, “Love is so short, forgetting is so long”. Right, @theredalbumprologue? Sorry, absolutely could not resist. Gender neutral.

                                  “Mandolin”

People there can't help but care About the friendly music of a guy Who's getting by from their applause He's got a song that moves along He's got his local crowd tonight At Angelina's family bar and grill He's got his heart on his sleeve The songs he plays just living free But who knows what goes through his mind When he plays a song it brings along Everybody saying Who's that guy who plays the mandolin... mandolin Oh yeah, mandolin

Oh he's the kind of guy Who never really wanted fame His feet are planted firmly on the ground He never wanted people to remember his name He never wanted word to get around That he found heaven on earth He's got his heart on his sleeve The songs he plays just living free But who knows what goes through his mind When he plays a song it brings along Everybody saying Who's that guy who plays the mandolin Oh, I'm the guy who plays the mandolin Mandolin Oh, mandolin

This song is a mindfuck! I was just minding my business walking my dog and then the last verse plays and ????. What kind of gay shit have I stumbled upon. I don’t even think Taylor plays the mandolin, but not sure. The whole, what goes through his mind when he plays a song is very interesting, maybe she’s saying “hey, I got closeted by my team so I can be successful in country music and maybe everyone doesn’t know who I’m really singing about and how I feel, cuz the whole my songs are my diary isn’t exactly me, its a persona.”  At Angelina's family bar and grill, what the fuck, right @that-curly-haired-lesbian? I am confusion though, I don’t get how most of this remotely fits Taylor. BUT VERY GAY.

                          “The diary of me”

I’m a laid back T-shirt, blue jean, mood ring Kinda girl Hey yeah what’s the word on you Lay low I’m a mission rebel Angel devil Little left of the middle Sometimes I get temperamental But here I am an open book Turn the page it’s all the rage Get a look on the inside Oh what you get is what you see Baby you hold the key To the diary of me 

This is like the song form of her public persona during the start of her career. Total boyfriend Taylor in full view. She clearly used to write before she really made it more openly about certain things that later she couldn’t really talk about, like it seems she rather not wear traditionally feminine clothes in favor of nice t-shirt. Yet what does she wear in public and for performances? Just something to think about. She writes lyrics like this in many earlier songs, “A place in this world”, “Tim Mcgraw”, “Diary of me”, “Closest to a cowboy”, “A Place in this world”, “What to wear”,”You belong with me”. Forced femininity AND being closeted and having to act “straight” is a nasty combination. The whole my songs are my diary was the inception of her authenticity problem because Swifties STILL think that they know everything about her and that she wouldn’t “lie” to them. Closeting is not a lie. This era she’s really trying to get the farthest away from that than ever. See the Rep prologue. She has been inviting speculation into the simple clear fact that people just see what she shows them and that things aren’t always as they seem.(x) But it’s more explicit than ever now. 

                                    “My turn to be me”

Something about me didn't fit into your perfect world I bet the bluegrass stained your smile You should use a darker color when you write on the wall I haven't read it a thousand times Maybe if you saw me for a second you would realize Honey I was trying so hard To talk, walk, think, stop Anytime you want me to Bend all my rules I used to let you choose Who you wanted me to be This time I'm flying free It's my turn to be me

Looks like she’s trying to fit into the mold of heteronormative standards, she wanted to be accepted. The straights think this song is about a guy she was dating that was very controlling, but through a queer perspective it seems obviously much deeper than that. Although, possibly she dated a guy for a little bit as part of her trying to fit in and she felt trapped and with all these expectations that were not her. Just an idea. Either way, this song is about breaking free from that toxic thinking and realizing the most important thing is making yourself happy. In other words, the rise a gayby boyfriend Taylor?! GAY. 

                                       “My cure”

I know we've got a lot to say Between now and forever But I'd be a game if you would play And not dare this to get better So all throughout the day You smile and walk away All I can think to do Is follow you If you ever leave I'll be crawling back for more If you ever need love I'm standing at your door I'll be sick inside if baby you would be my cure Wherever you think I am tonight Just know we're miles from a heartbreak Because in the blink of one pretty brown eye I'll be right where you are baby

Sometime along the way You took my breath away Distracted by the view I fall right into you

They say I need to see all the people out there waiting But you take one look at me And I know the mistake I'd be making

I know we've got a lot to say between now and forever

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. One of my favorites that I listened to. It is such a soft gay anthem! Although, yes very adorable, seems she could also be referencing that a lot of people did and still do say that being gay is a sickness and unnatural(x). So it seems in this she is saying that she doesn’t care if people know or find out and call her things because “This love”(her queerness) is good no matter what they say. Gender neutral. She says pretty brown eye, so if that is accurate it can’t be about Kelsey(she has green eyes). Maybe Lacey or an unknown girl.

                                    “Never mind”

Look at you Look at me Look at who we could be I wanna know who you are What you want from the stars And every time I look at you I can hardly say a thing My head starts to spin and it hits me then I love you And every time you look at me I could go crazy but I don't Say it but I won't 'Cause I'd rather be alone than lose you And all I really wanna do is be next to you But I'm too tired to fight And I could tell you now But baby, never mind All the time Everyday There's nothing I can do, baby, to make it go away So look at you And look at me And think of who we could be But every time I look at you I can hardly say a thing My head starts to spin and it hits me then I love you And every time you look at me I could go crazy but I don't Say it but I won't 'Cause I'd rather be alone than lose you

All I really wanna say is I need you, babe But how could you understand? What happens if you turn away and everything turns blue and grey? And I just wish I told you never mind And I could tell you now, but baby, never mind Yeah, oh yeah I could tell you now but never mind Yeah, oh yeah yeah And I could tell you now but never mind

This screams straight girl crush who she was friends with. 

                               “Don’t hate me for loving you”

He walked around my life And made me blind With every single move He caught me staring at him Mad about him Little that I knew Love is different When you play the fool And all I wanna do is say Don't walk away now And don't rip my heart out Don't you make cry tonight Like you always do And don't hate me for loving you

Unrequited straight girl crush. She’s written many songs like this but this is this is very stark and explicit and just very gay-coded more than others like this, i think. Some examples, “Teardrops on my guitar”, “Invisible”, “Stay beautiful”, “Hey stephen”, “You belong with me”, “Don’t hate me for loving you”, “Never mind”. What straight girl would worry that a boy would HATE her for liking him? Thinking the girl you have a crush on would be disgusted by you and your feelings and totally reject you is terrifying and heartbreaking and something basically all lesbians can relate to especially when they were young. SAD.

                                    “One thing”

It wasn't just like a movie The rain didn't soak through my clothes, down to my skin I'm driving away and I, I guess you could say This is the last time I'll drive this way again When there's nothing to say and I try to grab at the fray Cause I, I still love you but I can't Bye, bye, to everything I thought was on my side Bye, bye, baby I want you back but it's coming down to nothing And all you have is to walk away From the one thing I thought would never leave me, yeah The picture frame is empty It's black and white, you're smiling down at me I take your photo off the dash And back to the conversation I was so sure of everything we thought we'd always have I'm lost in the sound of it But here in the now comes in Seems like I'm becoming part of your past

And there's so much that I can't touch You're all I want but it's not enough this time And I can feel you like your slipping through my hands And I'm so scared of how this ends

Gender neutral. Has echoes of “If this was a movie”. SAD and gay. Break up:( 

                                  “Spinning around”

Not sure what its about but it seems metaphorical. Maybe her feelings for girls in a way make her feel cornered and caged, if I may. Hard to say.

                                    “Stupid boy”

Let me know, how's it feel To be under my skin, wrapped around my heart Is it like anywhere you've been? And everything I do, I do it just for you So why the hell don't you love me? Why the hell don't you need me like I need you? Are you so far above me? Don't you know that there's nothing I wouldn't do? But I was just a toy, which you destroyed Stupid boy I have been looking in, trying to read your mind Give you the benefit of the doubt, every single time And then you walk right by, I'm screaming out inside Why the hell don't you love me? Why the hell don't you need me like I need you? Are you so far above me? Don't you know that there's nothing I wouldn't do? But I was just a toy, which you destroyed Stupid boy What happens when you wake up, to see that you've lost? You take one look at me, 'cause that's what it cost. I was gonna be everything you need 'Cause you're everything to me 

No-homo and of course still so gay. Maybe about a girl who was just using her and didn’t have feelings for her or a girl scared of her feelings for Taylor? Very emo gay. Poor Tay.

                                   “Perfect have I loved”

If you love me, then I love you Swear by the freckles on the moon And maybe this will be enough I'd like to keep you till I'm old But if I can't, at least I'll know That, baby, perfect have I loved Do you remember the stupid things we used to do Before September stole me away from you? The time we got your truck stuck in the creek 'Cause, baby, roads weren't wild enough for you and me Saying...

I used to see you by the bridge we used to cross I found the feeling of trying to get lost You would smile that smile that I tried so hard to forget It's hard to light a fire that I still haven't put out yet

Love was all we knew And faith was growing on the vines Words were all we had And for one summer, you were mine Saying...

Very similar theme and possible timeline with this and “Tim McGraw” which I think is also about Lacey. Summer times and september? Lacey was 2 years older, this feels like a twin song to “Tim Mcgraw”. I think the timeline fits. Such a soft gay anthem, can’t get over it. Gender neutral.

                                     “Sugar”

What a thing to see What a thing to be What a perfect love, what a perfect home 'Cause every time she walks And every time she talks Is every time he knows what a perfect world he's living on But whenever he's gone and when she's all alone His heart goes out to her on the telephone And he says, "Sugar, how I love you How I think about you all the time" He calls her "Sugar" 'cause she's the sweetest thing Oh, she's the best thing he'll ever find With her midnight hair And with his favorite stare She's a southern belle, he's a rockout king When she looks around Oh, she knows she's found Such a perfect life, such a perfect thing

Oh, there's a reason for every season There's a change within the range of every heart But the reason and the season Seem to be right so far 

AAAAHHH. We all know in many songs Taylor steps into the perspective of the boy to sing about girls. It just hit me much after thinking about this, that she’s doing the same but for an entire song! At first I didn’t really think if its personal, but usually with Taylor it is even when she says its not, so its a strong possibility. SO GAY.  “ Oh, she's the best thing he'll ever find”, “Mine” parallel!!! Also, rockout king?? “king of my heart anyone?? Except in this case, Karlie isn’t the king. Lol. Who, pray say, is a musician?. She wrote it like that so no one would think its about her. GAY GAY. Lesbihonest.

                              “Sweet tea and gods graces”

Tire swings, summer dreams, honeysuckle on the breeze Whistle County creek Laying in the green grass, I was watching clouds pass Baby, you were watching me Cold barn struck bed, everything you said Slowly educating me I never had a lesson so sweet You can get high on a first kiss You can get by with sweet tea and God's graces You can love like a sinner and lose like a winner Nothing's shatterproof You can crash and burn and come back someone new And that's what I learned from you Autumn rain, window pane, looking how the leaves change Just like the two of us Still got your laugh, your ghost, your jacket Guess I loved you way too much But I'm a little smarter, my heart's a little harder But it's still soft enough to cry Cause I remember those times I remember.........

Saw you just the other day All that I could think to say was, "Hey, how have you been?" You caught me with that old smile Said, "It's really been a while, And I still think about back when.."

“Don’t blame me”, anybody? Getting high on kissing? Loving like sinners? Hmmmm. What do a lot of religious people call gay people again? Another song talking about summer. Lacey? Relating her experiences growing up christian with her queer relationships and feelings. Seems like she is very positive and accepting of her being gay and not struggling with religion in this, which is good. She said recently at a Rep secret sessions that she isn’t religious. Character development.

                                “Tell me”

It was something like a perfect start to This love yesterday but now who are you I thought I knew Your eyes how to know to look right through me It's like you forgot the words you whispered to me They weren't true It's like it wasn't you Could you tell me what did I do Because it can't be we're already through Did you sell me out for a fool After you held me is that just what you do What did you need from me Tell me Take time to realize I know That people change their minds But that was something I wished you would say To my face But you run away

If I had a reason or a simple goodbye Baby even a lie Yeah Yeah 

It seems to me to be about Taylor and a girl,  they had a nice night and then the girl got scared about her feelings and when into repression mode. She could be terrified of everything, including anyone finding out, her family, the idea of getting kicked out. So she decided to fully stop talking to Taylor or explain whats going on because she doesn’t trust being around Taylor. Just an idea. 

                                   “Ten dollars and a six pack” 

This is about a person Taylor was dating who was bad news and who wasn’t really faithful. It looks like Taylor broke up with her. Maybe Kelsey?

                                      “Matches”

I LOVE this. Gives me such “Picture to burn” vibes. I’m quite a slut for angry Taylor, sue me. “Truck on fire”, also reminds me of “Should’ve said no”. So maybe this is also about Kelsey? Badass song. 

                                         “That’s life”

“Love or lie, live or die I, well, I guess that's life”

That lyric caught my eye. Could be gay, not sure. Take it as you will.

                                 “Thinkin’ bout you”

I walked into a chair today ‘Cause I was thinking about you Your face jumped right in my way Like lately things do Oh, baby can’t you see The thought of you makes a mess of me I walked into a chair today ‘Cause I was thinking about you and now I I can’t walk straight, I can’t talk straight I can’t think about anything but the way It should be and it could be And till you come around again I will be Doing what I usually do Thinking about you I get lost when I drive around town Thinking about your smile I always end up on your side of town And I don’t know why There must be something under this hood That’s got a mighty strong liking to you I walked into a chair today ‘Cause I was thinking about you and lately

Your eyes are the color of the deep blue sea The one that I go swimming in every time you look at me

I walked into a chair today ‘Cause I was thinking about you...

Gay ass hilarious mess of a song! She really is a lesbian icon. I mean how much more relatable can she get?? She’s channeling Sappho with this. Hahahaha. Clearly she ain’t talking about a “straight” crush. LOL. “Gorgeous” anyone? Ocean blue eyes? Haha. The song form of too gay to function.

                            “Thirteen Blocks”

Beautiful. Sad. She’s driving to break up with someone but she’s uncertain and hesitant and sad about it. Very well-written. 

                         “This is really happening”

Beneath the chandelier of stars and atmosphere Tangled like the roots on the ground The windows opened up The wind is blowing and we're both not making a sound It’s like I’m melting on into you Give me a reason why we should ever move and Tell me You’ll never leave me and I’m not crazy and This is really happening That this is really happening Could this be better? You write me letters So you see me everyday You tend to treat me like My name is up in lights It really blows me away Lock me up in a dark room And I still can’t take my eyes off you 

All those kisses up against your car For all those wishes on planes We thought were stars Memories like photographs Oh Baby,Here we are 

Tell me You’ll always need me That I drive you crazy And this is really happening Oh,that this is really happening 

The softest gay anthem! The pickup truck under the stars seems familiar again, doesn’t it? About Lacey? Written probably before “Tim Mcgraw” because this is the start of the relationship. If about Lacey makes sense why she is so wonderstruck because this could be all new to her. “This love”(her queerness) is good and Its how she’s supposed to feel! 

                               “Til Brad Pitt comes along”

Do you remember the day I leaned up against your car And it started rolling down the street You screamed and ran after it And tried to open the door And it ran over your foot And I was too busy laughing on the ground to see. It would take Brad Pitt to leave you It takes five seconds to need you When I'm mad at all the lovebirds 'Cause they don't know to play our song I wish that pretty girls couldn't see you I wish that all your roads would lead you right to me 'Cause that's where you belong Until Brad Pitt comes along Do you remember the time we watched Carrie And you said it reminded you of me And I threw the remote at you And you said "my point exactly" And later on that night, under the neon city lights, You paid a homeless guy to sing a song to me. 

You call me lucky 'cause I lose everything But I swear I'd be careful with it If you gave me a ring

CUTE. Another funny song, amazing! Taylor as Carrie? Hahhaaha. Funny that in the chorus she says “Our song”. Maybe Lacey again? 

                          “We were happy”

When it was good baby, It was good baby We showed 'em all up No one could touch the way we Laughed in the dark Talking 'bout your daddy's farm We were gonna buy someday And we were happy

Subtle sneaking around? Gender neutral. 

                                         “What do you say”

What do you say, when you just know That he's the one, and you wanna go fast But he's taking it slow And what do you do, when he's next to you But he's a little bit shy Well here's something you can try Hey, hey what do you say We go walking down the river all together It's a warm May beautiful day And I feel like I could Talk to you forever With the sun shining bright It feels just like a day When everything's gonna go just right I know it will be a sweet memory For you and me someday What do you say? What do you see, when you look in his eyes There's something there That he can't disguise No matter how he tries And what do you feel, when you know its real And you can't sit still If you don't own up will yeah

My imagination's running away Just dreaming about What I want you to say

Another soft gay anthem! Taylor taking the lead because the other person is “shy”. *coughs*Gay. Adorable laughing in the end.

                              “Me and Britney” 

This song is about Taylor’s childhood and still current friend Britany Maack. She played this at the Bluebird cafe. She wrote this really young, probably 13.

                             “What to wear”

Sixteen blue jeans, Abercrombie T-shirt Shoes, purse, hair tied back And you should see her She's got her magic Floating through the air

She wrote this song so you aren’t sure if its about her or a story but usually she is writing personally even when she says she isn’t(”You are in love”). Boyfriend Taylor again. She sure loves t-shirts. 

                      “Who I’ve always been”

About her music career and hard work. Feisty Tay.

                         “You do”

She’s enamored with someone. “Boy, you got me like a shot to the heart Got me shakin' so bad, spilled my coffee in the car”.  These lyrics reminded me of “Getaway car” and the shakin’ lyric “dress” and “So it goes”. Just sayin’.

                           “Your anything”

I bet you lie awake at night Trying to make up your sweet mind Wondering if you'll ever find Just what you want A home-town number one Or a California loaded gun But you know you only get one Or that's what you thought But here's what you've got [Chorus:] I could be your favorite blue jeans With the holes in the knees In the bottom of the top drawer I could be your little beauty queen Just a little outta reach Or the girl living next door I'll be your angel giving up her wings If that's what you need I'd give everything to be your anything If you want hard to get If you want... All you have to do is let me know If you want a bumpy ride Or someone with a softer side Either one'll be alright Just let me know Cause this is where it goes 

It's not like I'm giving up who I am for you but for someone like you it's just so easy to do  

Massive crush Tay. But thats very normal for baby gaylor. She got it real bad. Hard to say if it’s unrequited or not, doesn’t really say. Tay, you don’t need to change yourself tho! Haha

                               “Your face”

I heard a song tonight on the radio Another girl sings about a boy Just sees his face in every space in every room And i know that if i turn around you won't be there If i close my eyes will you be there? I don't wanna lose your face And i don't wanna wake one day And not remember what time erased And i don't wanna turn around Coz i'm not scared Of what love gave me and took away And i don't wanna lose your face I've got a picture of you in my bedroom And i hope it never falls And i hope i never lose that feeling I used to get when you would call And now i wonder to myself Who were you and where are you? Were you ever here at all? 

That girl in the song had it so good I wish i could close my eyes and see you I wish the sky had your face And the oceans had your eyes And the sunset had your lips And i had you 

Clever, Swift! Talk about a girl and boy outside of your experience for comparison so everyone would assume she’s also singing about a boy but in actuality totally gender neutral! Nice. She wants the sunset to have this person(girls) lips? Not gay at all...

                                 “Wait for me”

Amazing anaylsis of this by @that-curly-haired-lesbian right here!

Finishing this long ass post just to further the point that her unreleased songs are fucking amazing and Gaylor Swift is a musical lesbian icon back then and of course still is! See you on the Gayside.

[carminifer]

from now on I'll be crossposting my thoughts between here and dreamwidth,, so here’s a combined one for the first two chapters of my fic :]

i got really excited responding to one comment on chapter 2 regarding my word choice, which was probably not what the reader expected and i now feel a bit awkward about subjecting them to my thoughts. i was inspired to do a kind of commentary about my writing here, though, so that future readers who just want to have fun don’t have to watch me talk about personification and alliteration lmaooo

commentary: chapter one

the fantasie is comprised of four interconnected movements, to be played in unbroken succession.

the first movement is melancholy; it establishes a gentle lyrical theme that transitions to a more solemn one.

as i say in the author’s note, the fic is structured after schubert’s piece of the same name. each movement corresponds to a chapter, and each chapter follows the emotional structure of the movement. the ‘theme’ that is established in this chapter is either the bond between kaoru and ainosuke, or the worries kaoru faces—whether the reader prefers to read this fic more as a love story or as a character study is up to interpretation (it’s both, they aren’t separate from each other, but they’re two slightly different readings)—but they both serve as the undercurrent for the piece, and essentially blend into one concept.

Of all the terms to ascribe to Ainosuke, let it never be said that he is a poor musician.

when i write, i usually come up with a concept first, or maybe a specific theme or mood. with this, i thought up this first line ^^ completely out of the blue. a lot of the time, opening lines come easy to me, but i really do consider them a lot; for my main fic, i changed the opening sooooo many times, and then used the first (unfitting) opening as the basis for a completely separate fic/fandom. but in this case, i thought up this line first, and the rest of the story just unfurled from there. what terms can we ascribe to ainosuke? skater, politician, criminal, villain, antagonist, misunderstood? forget all that—this ainosuke is a musician. i just really love that juxtaposition. i think it’s a bit whimsical.

He took heed to make sure the two would be left alone without parents prying in to ask about his new friend—Ainosuke didn’t deserve to have his introduction to Kaoru’s space marred by such uptight people.

i’m in the camp of “kaoru’s parents were rich but negligent”—not to the extent of ainosuke’s family, but enough to give kaoru and ainosuke some common ground. while the sakurayashiki parents don’t show up in this fic, their influence on kaoru plays a role in the isolation and self-doubt he feels.

Not for the first time, Kaoru worries that he’s too lowly to be an adequate partner for Ainosuke.

at first, i was unsure whether i wanted to go the route of (a) “kaoru thinks he’s equal at first, but then watching ainosuke play the piano and skate makes him realize that they’re on different levels” or (b) “kaoru has always been feeling inadequate, and the piano is the nail in the coffin.” i decided to go with (b), and write a kaoru who’s been plagued by these worries for a while.

It’s the consideration Ainosuke displays, his cultivated manners, that makes Kaoru respond by uncovering the keys for Ainosuke’s use.

*takes drag of cigar* it’s a sex metaphor. it becomes more apparent in chapter two, but think of the piano as reflection of kaoru’s body. yeah.

His fingers are long, yes, but they look like ungainly spider legs. They’re calloused and scarred, with his knuckles too knobby, his cuticles angry red from being bitten and his veins a sickly green against his pale skin. They’re not tapered and neatly groomed like Ainosuke’s.

i got a nice compliment about this <3 hands are some of my favorite parts of the body, next to ribs (count how many references to ribs are in this fic). in high school, when i thought i was going to art school (lol) i dedicated as much time as i could every day to drawing hands. hands are notoriously hard to draw! when i started sk8, i sketched out some ideas for how i imagine the characters’ hands to look—this was going to be an art project. i envision kaoru’s hands to look like bts’s j-hope's, while ainosuke’s are more like exo’s baekhyun’s. kaoru works with his hands more than ainosuke, i reckon, so i imagine kaoru’s hands are beautiful in form (long fingers), but marked and calloused to show he uses them. ainosuke, meanwhile, is much more delicate overall. never has to lift a finger, and visual presentation is very important to him.

He wonders whether Ainosuke is aware of how captivating he is, if music is just another extension for him to perform for the world, or if Ainosuke’s existence alone is simply just the closest thing on Earth to ethereality.

ainosuke is just a performer in everything he does. skating, politics, music. i really like how sk8 makes him a dancer. it adds a theatrical element to his character, while obeying the effects art (performance is art) has. he commands attention. the spotlight follows him, while kaoru has to follow the spotlight. that’s just how i see it.

“Mozart’s such a lovely composer,” says Ainosuke.

Kaoru is quick to agree.

“Are you a fan?” Ainosuke asks, smirking.

YES this made me sooooo happy to write. it’s all in the little details with these two. ainosuke knows kaoru’s bullshitting, but he just plays along.

“I can play the violin and flute too, but the piano’s my favorite. What about you? How long have you played?”

originally, this was going to be titled “theme and variations,” and kaoru and ainosuke would have played different instruments! kaoru was always a pianist, but ainosuke was a violinist. i changed them to two pianists to just further emphasize the big difference between them.

“You don’t seem to have enjoyed it.”

“What makes you say that?”

Ainosuke shrugs. “A feeling.”

i don’t know if anyone caught it, but this is another clue ainosuke knows kaoru’s bullshitting. he’s knows kaoru doesn’t like music as much as he does and is just trying to make ainosuke like him.

“Why not? You’re good enough after a bit of practice.”

i’m the one who wrote this and i can’t tell if it’s a backhanded compliment.

They do hold a duet later that evening, but no piano is involved. Kaoru’s bedroom is the nicest concert hall in the world when they occupy it, when Kaoru surrenders his body to be Ainosuke’s instrument. Kaoru thinks he knows Ainosuke better than he’s ever known the piano, because the noises he conducts out from Ainosuke are more musical than anything he could dream of creating on the keyboard.

i got another nice comment about this <3 up until chapter… 3 or 4… of this fic, i have never described sex with any graphic depictions of body parts, physical actions, sounds, or really literally anything. i’ve compared sex to the tide of the sea, and now to a musical performance, and then later in this fic it’ll be compared to something else. the only scene i’ve written that doesn’t include metaphors is from my wip longfic, and that literally fades to black before anything super E rated happens… and includes a plot-relevant flashback. i cannot write (or really read) pwp. i need some sort of artsy plot going on.

Even when they reach their coda, they don’t separate. Ainosuke lowers himself, careful not to put too much of his weight onto Kaoru’s ribs, as he nuzzles Kaoru’s temple and whispers, “it’s Beethoven.”

“What?”

“The piece I—we—played today. It’s a Beethoven sonata, not one of Mozart’s, like I said. You didn’t correct me.”

Kaoru hopes Ainosuke doesn’t feel his breath trip. That’s it, this is how Ainosuke will call his bluff and finish with an oh, nice knowing you, Kaoru, but I’d rather spend time with someone who can actually identify composers.  

“I must’ve misheard,” Kaoru murmurs to his ceiling.

MIC DROP. GAHHHH this was so much fun to write. ainosuke calls kaoru out, but still gives him the grace to regain some sort of dignity by passing it off as a mistake. ainosuke as a character is very intelligent, very people-savvy, and he knows how to come out on top while letting his opponent know just how much he destroyed them. i was happy other people found it as MIC DROP as i did hahahaha i don’t have a beta reader, never had, so i’m the only person whose reactions i can judge before publishing… and that’s sometimes scary, because i’m clearly the least objective person reading! i don’t read a lot of how-to writing advice (i just read novels/short stories/poems/fics i like and then experiment on my own), but i’ve sometimes checked out a few, and one that stands out is “if you’re impressed by something, re-do it because it’s not as good as you think.” overall, i’m very critical towards my work, and it’s very very rare that i’m genuinely impressed by something i write. this was one exception, and i’m relieved it worked out well.

and chapter 2:

In this respect, humans live musically. A rhythm is established through pulse and breath, ticking on and on until it doesn’t. It’s as inevitable as it is expected.

the entire first few paragraphs are based on something one of my professors said. his words were, “we all have the rhythm in us. one, two, [makes whooshing noises to mimic the heart] and when the rhythm stops? well, you go ask a minister what happens then.”

Relationship. Even that word makes Kaoru want to break something, break a board, break a fist over a smarmy-faced skull.

lol let’s count how many times i foreshadow the full swing kiss in ep 9. this marks 1.

Kaoru, of all people!

“Adam, of all people!”

“Don’t leave, Adam, please,” nearly sobbing into his phone with his eyes unseeing, cuticles bleeding, lungs threatening to uncage themselves from his ribs, “tell me how I can help. Are you not allowed to skate anymore? Are you just bored? We can do something else, you don’t have to leave just because you’re bored—”

i got a compliment on this ^w^ that “cuticles bleeding, lungs threatening to uncage themselves from his ribs” is a callback to chapter one: “his cuticles angry red from being bitten” and the references to kaoru’s breath tripping at the end when ainosuke calls him out (“careful not to put too much of his weight onto kaoru’s ribs,” also). i mentioned in the last commentary that hands and ribs are two of my favorite parts of the body (and the spine is either tied for number one or two). also in the last post, i said “count how many references to ribs are in this fic” so here we go: ribs mention number 2.

pretty little words, sickly seductive sweet words that enticed Kaoru with promises that maybe someone could be so affectionate and passionate towards him, dripping honey sugar sweet sticking in his throat, suffocating, sputtering, obvious falsehoods and flatteries

i’m just going to paste a comment i wrote in response to one on the fic:

“even just little things, like the alliteration (for the life of me I can't really tell the difference between the different types lol i just like repeating sounds)—I like to use harder consonants with kaoru's rage [moving/monster/meritable // clasped/clamor/calloused/chip/crack] and s sounds with ainosuke's charm [sugar/sweet/sticking/suffocating/sputtering // storm/shelter/skies/shed/soaked] so when I combine c/k sounds with s sounds [smacks, strike, skeleton] it's like kaoru and ainosuke coming together in a destructive way. oh irony~~”

you may think it’s gimmicky or cliche, but i really like alliteration. not all the time, but when it develops a rhythm here? good. it becomes its own leitmotif, which just suits the whole MUSICAL theme of the piece as a whole.

preening over the keys like some fantastic bird

peacock adam

They call the Environmental Section of Okinawa’s Sanitary Division to dispose of it, but to their luck the piano’s considered non-disposable, and the city won’t collect it, they should instead try calling the manufacturer; Kaoru’s thought ahead and has another plan for the instrument.

THIS IS REAL!! i researched the okinawa sanitary division and they have sections for disposable appliances and furniture, so i was thinking ‘hm, okay, a piano is kind of like furniture’ but NO!! pianos are actually listed separately as non-disposable items. https://www.city.okinawa.okinawa.jp/userfiles/files/page/english/2304/33SeparatingGarbageOkinawaCity.pdf

Despite his relatively posh birth, he traversed this city until he knew the streets as well as his blood knew his veins. He was already playing delinquent before Ainosuke showed up, had already mapped out the places the police wouldn’t find them, had already learned where he could skate and where he could bike, how to fall and where on his body to take blows so that bruises wouldn’t be found, how to turn bottles to knives. Any of Ainosuke’s additions to Kaoru’s knowledge served only to augment it; Ainosuke might have held the others’ interest and all things beautiful and Kaoru’s own heart, but the streets were always Kaoru’s—if Kaoru could hold anything, let it be the streets—the streets belonged to Kaoru first.

i just. thank you to irene for liking this as much as i do. “street nymph kaoru” is etched in my brain.

“Not a chance in the world,” Ainosuke breathed to the fluttering hum of Kaoru’s wired pulse, once they withdrew to a place where not even the moon could see them. “No one loves like I do.” I love you, Kaoru heard, though he was not daring enough to repeat it.

i wanted to hint at ainosuke’s skewed perception of love. ‘no one loves like i do’ is technically true, because he doesn’t love in the ‘right’ way. that is something to be explored later ^^

He knows he’s reached his destination when he first catches the smell of salt carried through the wind, and then sees that gorgeous sky, blanketing the world with a canopy of fire-orange, Ainosuke-eye-Kaoru-hair colors. He hears the sea stream below. Could this truly be the same sky Ainosuke sees wherever he is? It feels wrong to know that they’re still on the same Earth together under the same sky, yet so far away. He wishes Ainosuke was in another world where Kaoru wouldn't know to look for him. He wishes Ainosuke was back here in his arms.

i got a compliment on this <3 i’m proud of this too. the sense that we’re all under the same sky is one that has stayed with me for many, many years. it’s almost unfathomable that everyone is here on earth under the same sky yet we all live such different lives.

When he dismounts his board and takes semi-hesitant fawn steps towards it, he sees a bright pink design painted into the drive-in’s wall—a cherry blossom. His cherry blossom. His tag. This was his territory, and he let Ainosuke kiss him here because he loved Ainosuke and he thought Ainosuke loved him too—what a fucking fool—

one of the themes of this fic in general, but specifically this chapter, is the sense that kaoru was a leader who is struggling with feeling powerless after ‘losing’ his rule, his sovereignty. in a few paragraphs, i’ll explain more when i get to the dido/aeneas comparisons, but this is one of the hearts of the story, and it’s how i now see kaoru. he is powerful, but he is insecure and scared. like adam, he was a ‘king,’ and he is slowly becoming a ‘nobody’ and trying to find a way to regain the sense of control he is losing. this is a loveblossom parallel that probably is just my own personal headcanon, but it works in this story (which is already an AU so i can do whatever the fuck i want lol), and i think it makes for an interesting dynamic between two fallen ‘kings.’

It was here, in this very spot, where Ainosuke and Kaoru took cover from a sudden storm one evening.

HERE WE GO HERE WE FUCKING GOOOOOO

so tl;dr: in roman mythology, there was a warrior named aeneas who was the son of venus (the goddess of love, roman version of aphrodite) and some mortal dude named anchises. when the greeks destroy troy, his home, during the famous trojan war, he flees to italy, where his descendants, romulus and remus (the twins nursed by a wolf), would found rome. the epic poem aeneid is the story of his journey out of troy, and it’s pretty much modelled after homer’s odyssey and iliad (guy trapped on sea voyage for many years, then arrives home to fight).

the most famous part of aeneas’s story is probably his love affair with dido. there's a whole opera and everything. see, due to a lot of divine intervention (these gods are terrors, after all), aeneas’s trip to italy gets sidetracked and he ends up in the city of carthage, which was a city in north africa. carthage is ruled by queen dido, who also founded it (parallels with aeneas) and tbh she’s pretty competent. carthage is doing pretty well. it’s a very prosperous place. she’s a widow because these families are nuts but has not remarried or anything, and she’s leading carthage all on her own. #girlboss

aeneas gets shipwrecked and ends up in her kingdom, and she welcomes him and his men with open arms. some of the gods, like that lovely little boy cupid, work their magic, and the two fall in loooooveeeeee.

their ‘marriage’ is one of the most depicted scenes in art of this story. while out hunting, they are caught in a storm! all the men run and hide. dido and aeneas hide in a cave, and they get BUSYYYYYYYY

dido thinks that they’re married now, and she’s living in her happy world. unfortunately, aeneas must obey his duties (in latin, he is described with the epithet ‘pius’ as in ‘pius aeneas’—the english word ‘pious’ comes from this, but ‘pietas’ refers to the duties romans had towards their country, the gods, their family, etc., so ‘pius aeneas’ is often translated ‘pious aeneas’ or ‘dutiful aeneas’ or ‘loyal aeneas’). the gods tell aeneas ‘hey, i know the sex is great and all, but you should really get back to that whole voyage thing,’ and so he gathers his men in secret and attempts to sail away without her knowing.

unfortunately, she sees him sailing away and screams this awesome speech accusing him of being a traitor, and he responds basically like ‘i don’t want to leave you! don’t blame me! i’m just following the fates!’ dido is so broken, she kills herself and makes her sister burn her body on the funeral pyre.

tragic!

if you’ve read etude, that was the original flashback for this scene. it was originally much shorter, so i expanded it to a full one-shot, but in the original draft that was here and the myth alluded to in this section was psyche and cupid.

i changed it to this dido and aeneas story for two reasons. one, there’s enough sex later on in this fic, and i figured having a sex scene here would’ve been too much. two, because i believe the story of dido and aeneas is much more fitting for the loveblossom story contained in this fic alone.

kaoru, a powerful person on his own, but with a delicate heart. he is very passionate as a person, despite the cool exterior facade he tries to maintain. ainosuke, duty-bound by his family, yet hurting kaoru in the process. ainosuke is a stranger in kaoru’s world, yet kaoru is the one who is swept away. aeneas is the son of the love goddess, yet venus is responsible for war; he is a warrior. ainosuke is the same, i think.

sooo with all this in mind, let’s continue!

The stringed hammer skeleton lies open.

“stringed hammer skeleton” from this point forward, i wanted to take great care to personify the piano. kaoru himself doesn’t die, but if i could make the piano human enough, i could make the piano a second version of “kaoru” to die in his place, like dido did.

and Kaoru wants to throw the piano, wishes he were strong enough for his two hands to push down the instrument back, back, on the concrete bed of the pavement

in the same way kaoru is on his back on the bed in both sex scenes (so far). this scene is a role-reversal between kaoru and ainosuke, in a way. kaoru takes on the role ainosuke plays, and the piano becomes kaoru.

but instead he rages, and he bends down, and he clasps his board in his calloused, spider leg un-piano hands, and he swings. He swings and his board smacks the innards of the piano with a resounding scream, and he feels a crack like breaking bone.

role-reversal! this is foreshadowing for the full swing kiss, except this time, kaoru is the person swinging the board to break bone.

He wants to hit it until it’s nothing but a broken irreparable skeleton of a thing, just a thing, just an object with no memory or significance or short-sighted romantic ideals strung together. It stands sinew string and hammer bone. He wants it gone.

i got a compliment for this too <3 kaoru does to the piano what he wishes to do to himself :((((

He withdraws as the flame grows, eating away at the instrument’s corpse, then he throws the lighter with the rest of the immolation.

He adds his board to the pyre without a second thought.

pyre, immolation, the piano is full dido now.

Kaoru thought it was love, but now he realizes he never had the experience to make that judgment.

As he watches the glow tear to the sky, he concludes that he likely never will.

and a compliment on this <3333 kaoru’s just in a state. of course he is!! to his perspective, he’s been lied to and totally betrayed.

[shark-myths]

Folie A Deux

I promised to write FAD meta like, forever ago. It took longer than I planned. Here it is, at last.

Folie is anthemic, artistic; it’s cynicism and heartbreak all layered up in failing hope. It’s Pete saying goodbye to his band and embarking on a new life as a husband and a father. It’s Patrick finding his confidence as a showman just in time for it to turn to ash on his tongue and prompt him to remake himself utterly. It’s Joe finally feeling like he has a role in FOB and creative ownership of his own band. It’s Andy, um, drumming. Super well. Without any particular emotional interpretation on my part because Andy’s, you know, pretty content to just play with his friends.

Without further blathering, allow me to present, at long last: a rambling, tear-filled, official Tryst Theory ™ interpretation of FOB’s fourth-and-almost-final studio album.

I am always struck most by the quality of obstruction in the albums produced during the Commercial Success/’Sell Out’ era. Pete begins obscuring himself for the first time during Infinity on High and especially Folie A Deux: the lyrics become increasingly senseless, more about cleverness and sound that saying things plainly. But he’s so honest during this era too. He tells us exactly what it feels like to be him, to be so pulled apart and scrutinized and sad, to be sick on his own hope. To be sick and fuzzy, made of stuffing, and far away on way-too-many anxiety meds. We get lines that don’t make much sense on the surface, like ‘I’m not a chance, put a heat wave in your pants,’ and we get the self-aware aggression of bops like I Don’t Care.

In the previous era, Pete didn’t really know what it meant, yet—being Pete Wentz. Being so public. Being the face of the band, being the bad guy and the heel. What it would cost. Now he understands that anything he touches, or looks at, or says at loud is going to change. Once he does it, says it, thinks it, feels it, it’s out of his control. It’s owned by someone else. Even his private body, his private phone. Even his decision to defend his friend from an aggressive bouncer onstage. The brand of phone he carries, the girls he texts, who he stands next to in photos, the cities where he plays shows and the cities he does not. Now he understands that his life is not his, but something the public will use to hurt him if we get bored. This is drugstore cowboy Pete. This is a Pete grown so heavy under the weight of his own misery and bullshit that he can barely go on. This is a Pete preparing to say goodbye.

Which is a long way of saying: Folie A Deux fucks me up.

 A little history (sourced heavily from Wikipedia):

The album was recorded from July-September 2008, beginning two months after Pete and Ashlee were married, and released in December 2008, shortly after Bronx was born. They started recording ahead of schedule, without telling the label, and deliberately limited their studio time. They wanted to recapture what they had felt during Grave, when they were racing against their drained back accounts to get the album set down. They wanted that simplicity and rawness, the feeling of being mixed-up kids half living out of a van and making music that felt vibrant and essential. Patrick told AP, “There was something really interesting about that creative process when we were starting out. The more time you have, the more potential you have for excess.” (He thought he dominated Infinity and wanted to pare himself back, reign himself in, for Folir.) They tried to emulate the process and feeling of Grave as much as possible: “first-thought, best-thought.” Joe pushed to be included more in collaboration and felt like he “owned the songs a lot more. It made me really excited about contributing to Fall Out Boy and made me find my role in the band.” Pete made an effort (this is him making an effort, okay) to keep his personal life more sequestered from the writing and use more metaphor and the conceit characters speaking lines, more like a stage musical. And, perhaps true to the feeling of Grave, Pete and Patrick fought painfully and violently over the record. It was personal and artistic for everyone. They felt it was their best work.

Fans tore them apart, of course. Booing anytime they played anything off the new record. The album undersold and public reception did not match the glowing critical reviews. They tried to say something important, to talk about society and convey real messages in their music. They were publicly rebuffed. Joe told Rolling Stone, “Some of us were miserable on stage. Others were just drunk.” The reception, the struggle, cemented what Pete had already decided to do: leave the band.

(Let’s not talk about the last song of what he thought would be their last show ever during which, instead of playing Saturday with his best friends and his me-and-Pat, he had the man who named the band in the first place shave off his signature Pete Wentz hair in a symbolic ritual of fucking morning, let’s not let’s not)

(but in case you want to)

 A little cover art:

I just want you to know that Pete Wentz has the original painting of that cover in his home. IN CASE YOU THINK THAT’S RELEVANT.

This image. With Pete’s furry history. With the costumes and feeling like a zoo animal and playing the role of the heel, with the way he said in the Folie Making Of video that being perceived in media is “like wearing a costume, you’re not who you are.” With his interest especially in bears, the talk of stitches and stuffing and seams, with the Lullabye track and ‘honey is for bees silly bear’ (and Black Cards’ ‘you’re my best friend, honeycomb head’) and the whole Winnie the Pooh vibe. With the devoted companionship and singular love exhibited by Winnie the Pooh and the way he turns back into inert, lifeless stuffing when you grow too old and you forget what he really is and see him as just a toy, empty and pliable, and the way only childhood wonder and innocence can return him to life. How the cover has not just one person on it, but a bear-boy plus one: a madness shared by two. A real bear, and someone who’s just pretending, or just trying to be. What a match, what a catch.

WHAT A PETERICK MASTERPIECE THIS FUCKING ALBUM IS

The liner notes are empty, by the way. For the physical CD. The liner notes are just pictures and names of band members, then production information and thanks to ‘fans, friends, and loves.’ Nothing else. No lyrics. No record. If that’s not foreshadowing—

 And now said masterpiece itself:

1. Disloyal Order of the Water Buffaloes

Okay, so let’s take a step back and imagine for a second the decision-making process that went into writing a magnum fucking opus Peterick anthem to open the album with. Are we all on the same page here? WHAT THE FUCK, were they TRYING to kill me

This album is the fucking Holy Grail of the drug use = Patrick metaphor, and we dive right into it with this one. Boycott love. Detox just to retox. DRAW YOUR OWN HOLD ME TIGHT OR DON’T PARALLELS. #trysttheory

For all that Pete tried to move away from autobiographical lyrics on this album, his view of himself is plain in this song: ‘perfect boys with their perfect lives, no one wants to hear you sing about tragedy.’

The line ‘fell out of bed, butterfly bandage, but don’t worry’ brings up my theories about what dreams mean. Falling out of bed and getting hurt is a clear consequence of dreaming so hard you forgot it was just a dream (or trysting with your best friend and forgetting there could be consequences, real people you can hurt and yourself included). ‘You’ll never remember, your head is far too blurry’ ties into w.a.m.s as well as Cooperstown and the idea of being blurry-headed, impaired because you’re fucked up on love or some other drug, and making choices you’d regret, if you could remember them. Making mistakes you’ll have to live with whether you remember them or not.

(Romantically speaking, water buffaloes are disloyal: Google suggests a single male water buffalo can sire as many as 100 baby buffs in a single mating season. It seems pretty obvious throughout this album that issues of infidelity were large in Pete’s mind while writing these lyrics.)

2. I Don’t Care

This song makes me think of Wilson (Expensive Mistakes) so much. Starting over again in Mexico, friends who don’t care about you, the blues-pop bounce to it and repeating riff? Sonically, they have a lot in common.

Pete may be playing on his previous reference to Closer (‘he tastes like you only sweeter’) with the opening line here—‘say my name and his in the same breath, I dare you to say they taste the same’—which is the saddest and most painful movie about heterosexuals you will ever watch, but writing that line and putting it on Patrick’s tongue? That may be the gayest thing that happens to me all night, guys, and I’m a queer girl with a bottle of wine and a long, long Friday evening ahead of me.

This song is so much a conversation Pete is having with the world about his fame and notoriety, imo. He calls it a narcissist’s anthem but I don’t think that’s it, exactly. I think—and the music video backs me up on this—it’s a coy wink at their own reputation, all the shit people are slinging about them and Pete specifically. We get a drug reference here, too: ‘take a chance, let your body get a tolerance.’

Also, Patrick is a nun in the video. Pete put Patrick in a literal fucking habit. What more do you need to me to say to prove definitely that Pete is desperately in love with him? This. Kid. In. A. Nun’s. Habit.

3. She’s My Winona

IF THIS SONG ISN’T A DISCUSSION OF HOW PETE HAD TO REVISE HIS PETERICK AMBITIONS WHEN HE FOUND OUT ASHLEE WAS PREGNANT

(There are so many suicide references in this song I want to join Pete and the band’s manager in cheering and celebrating all over again that our boy lived to 28. You can physically feel him resigning himself to living a long life in these verses.)

‘Hell or glory, I don’t want anything in between.’ I take this line as pretty directly about him and Patrick: he doesn’t care if they go to hell and it ruins the band, he wants to take the risk, because he thinks together they could be—glory. He wants to roll the dice. (Take a chance—I’m not a chance.) And ‘then came a baby boy with long eyelashes, and daddy said “you gotta show the world the thunder.”’ In other words, he wanted hell or glory, ruination or Patrick, but then along came his son. And his priorities changed. Of course they did. True love is one thing; raising your child is another.

‘We had a good run, even I have to admit.’

(And—here’s the thing—people ask me sometimes, what I think about Pete marrying Ashlee. “Do you think he married her just because it was the right thing to do?” No. I think he believed in love and family and forever. I think Pete believed it would work. I think he wanted it to. I think that’s why the trysting, and eventually the band, stopped: because Pete tried his fucking best. I think he loved her and loved the idea of a future for himself—the first time he’s ever really imagined that. The idea of somewhere to belong, a real family, one that he felt part of. I think he wanted more than anything for it to work precisely because it was so different from what he, or anyone else, ever expected for him. He said ‘I want to marry this girl’ and he meant it. He really did intend to love her forever, as best he could, and not love anyone else if he could help it.

But those aren’t good reasons to build a whole relationship on, a marriage on. And he was a mess, and in love with Patrick too, and hated and famous and fucked. He had no privacy, limited emotional maturity, a burgeoning substance problem and no sense of himself that wasn’t dependent on what the culture and the media and his fans and his friends reflected back to him and said was true. There was no way they could be happy together under those circumstances, and he’d have stayed forever anyway, I think. His interviews about that time—when he stopped shaving, then stopped showering; when he was a drugstore cowboy stay-at-home dad, depressed and giving up—he doesn’t blame Ashlee for wanting to leave. He hated himself enough to be miserable forever, but she didn’t. So of course it fell apart.)

4. America’s Suitehearts

This commercial headfuck of a song. Jerry christ, guys, someone throw me an anchor so I can drown myself. This caricature, the monstrosity and performance of celebrity, the way the band is reduced to wrestling alter egos, painted and pretend. No one’s being subtle with this song, this video. They are showing us exactly what they mean.

‘I must confess, I’m in love with my own sins.’

DO YOU MEAN LIKE BEING IN GAY LOVE WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND

DO YOU MEAN THAT SIN?

And this verse, though ostensibly about the vagaries of fame, sounds so much like him falling in love with Patrick while Patrick is oblivious:

‘You can bow and pretend you don’t know you’re a legend. Time just hasn’t told anyone else yet. I’m sorry, I just let my love loose again.’

For so many years, Pete believed his love was something he had to apologize for. 😭 😭 😭 😭

5. Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown On A Bad Bet

Okay, fuck this, I’m done

This fucking

This

UGH

Remember the paternity rumors at the time of Ashlee’s pregnancy? Look at this whole complicated, tangled-up song about infidelity and paternity and the idea of Ashlee cheating while Pete’s cheating too. ‘Keep a calendar, this way you will always know’ [who impregnated you]. ‘I will never end up like him. behind my back, I already am.’ I literally cannot

‘Does he know the way I worship our love’

6. The (Shipped) Gold Standard

do I even need to keep writing this or is the album now, itself, independently writing the tryst theory

my notes for this song just say ‘come the fuck on’

This song is about: living in LA and missing Chicago (and what it felt like in Chicago, who you were and who you were with); taking accountability for your own actions even when it does not satisfy your hedonistic urges (e.g., marrying your pregnant girlfriend and breaking off your illicit love affair with Patrick Stump), trying to remake your identity and change yourself like those are the same thing and you can get a new heart as easily as a new name; losing your luck and breaking up (‘tell that boy I’ll leave you alone now, like a stove, I’ll turn my love down); horseshoe crabs; and of course, that good ol’ famous-in-the-closet feel:

‘I wanna scream I love you from the top of my lungs, but I’m afraid that someone else will hear me.’

7. Coffee’s For Closers

I’m just crying by now I can’t type anymore

He’s using this whole album to break up with Patrick, to explain, to say goodbye

‘I want everything to change and stay the same. Time doesn’t care about anyone or anything. Come together, come apart.’

‘We will never believe again’

And: ‘kick drum beating in my chest again’ and that feeling, the one we’ve all felt in the pit at any show, any good one with that golden-vibe in the air, the one that makes your heart feel connected to the hearts of everyone around you, like you could be lifted on light and floating around the room, like the love is pouring out of you and rising like heat and linking up to the network of love flowing into and out of everyone else, when you feel it and know they do too and your whole body vibrates with the impossible imperceptible hum of your very atoms, your constituent fucking molecules lit up and stitched together by this, this, this. The feeling like you don’t need lungs because singing in breath and bellows enough, the feeling like the only reason you ever had a heart was so the drummer could pump it with their sticks. ‘Preach electric to the microphone stand,’ Patrick the conductor, Patrick the evangelist, Patrick the gospel of his fucking love. Pete’s saying goodbye to that feeling. Pete knows, he knows already, what he is planning to do.

Pete’s lying. Pete’s saying ‘I love the mayhem more than the love’ like all he’s really been out to do is make a mess, break hearts, take names. Like he is no more and no less than what all the tabloids say about him. (Never watch the Fresh Only Bakery videos on youtube. They are boring, for one, and also the saddest fucking Pete you will ever see.) Pete’s saying ‘I will never believe in anything again’ and he’s making Patrick say it too, because true-blue love was supposed to last forever, and then Pete got married to someone else.

‘Oh, change will come.’

8. What A Catch, Donnie

NO. NO

how the fuck dare this song even exist

So this is it. This is the goodbye. Pete has talked about how he wrote this song from Patrick’s perspective, and he recruited some of Patrick’s favorite artists and friends of the band to sing different lines in a medley of the band’s hits up to this point. This is like, the FOB song equivalent of a suicide note. (To follow this with a greatest hits album—! G O D)

The reference to Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway—their collaboration, his ultimate suicide, and the way Miss Flack looked on all his destruction and said ‘I still want you back’ is absolutely a testament to the way Patrick, and the rest of the band, forgave him and took him back in after the notorious Best Buy Incident. The gratitude for the whole band and what the band has done for Pete is tied up in this song. ‘You’ll never catch us’ smacks of trysting, and there’s something to the line ‘I’m the one who charmed the one who gave up on you,’ as the speaker in the sentence in meant to be Patrick and the ‘you’ is presumed to be Pete.

‘They say the captain goes down with the ship, so when the world ends, will God go down with it?’ is both Pete’s intention to go down with the band (which he’s planning to sink, or sees unraveling already in the painful writing process—we don’t know at what point he made his decision to destroy yet another thing he loved in penance for some deep, unknowable conviction of sin) and his gesture of setting them free. The Video of Which We Will Not Speak shows this pretty clearly. Pete saves everyone and everything he’s ever loved at the bargain price of drowning himself. He does it without ever even appearing in the aired version of the video. *broken sobbing*

(The links for the full version are not currently on Youtube, but you can read about it here: http://www.mtv.com/news/1618609/fall-out-boy-release-wrong-version-of-what-a-catch-donnie-video/)

What a match, what a catch. If I say anything else about this song, and how basically everyone who heard it knew it meant the band was going to break up, I will absolutely fall apart

9. 27

OH GOOD A SONG I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH WITHOUT CHOKING ON MY OWN TEARS

NOT

So here’s a lovely little ditty about how Pete Wentz did not kill himself and die at age 27 as he always thought he would! Hahahahahaha I’m fine it’s fine I’m so glad this album exists I’m so glad I’m TALKING ABOUT IT

‘If home is where the heart is, then we’re all just fucked.’ All three of them: Pete, Patrick, and Ashlee. And every FOB fan out there. Ahahaha. GUYS I’M NOT OKAY

We’ve got Peterick drug metaphors to rival the punch of Hold Me Tight Or Don’t: ‘I want it so bad, I’d shoot the sunshine into my veins… Doing lines of dust and sweat off of last’s night stage just to feel like you. Milligrams in my head, burning tobacco in my wind, chasing the direction you went.’

We’ve got desperation about growing and changing and losing that which they so valued in their sound and collaboration on Grave: ‘I can’t remember the good old days. Are all the good times getting gone? They come and go and come and go.’

We’ve got the pressure of keeping your love affair with your lead singer a secret lest you risk your fame, label representation, and fortune: ‘My mind is a safe, and if I keep it in we all get rich’ right next to the dirty, hollow feeling of having images of your body stolen and used to drag your name and reputation like you had no more heart than any other empty doll and losing the value of yourself in that process: ‘My body is an orphanage, we take everyone in.’

We’ve got the romantic comparison to cosmic entities, just like in Real Ones: ‘you’re a bottled star, the planets align. You’re just like Mars, you shine in the sky.’ And that tinge of disparagement and lonesomeness: ‘I’ve got a lot of friends who are stars but some are just black holes.’

10. Tiffany Blews

This song plays with a lot of fun moth/flame metaphors that I really enjoy, while also really amplifying the isolation and quick-burning nature of fame. I think that Pete gets a sick satisfaction from having Patrick sing out the worst things he thinks about himself, that he thinks everyone else thinks about him. (Pete, I think, is the little black dress that will be faded soon.)

Interestingly, we have ‘a roman candle heart keeps us far apart,’ which is a pretty direct link to the later Fourth of July. A heart that flares, explodes, and then burns out quickly certainly would be an obstacle to building a lasting relationship, no matter how much you loved someone…

‘Hate me, baby. Maybe I’m a piece of art.’

‘Dear gravity, you held me down in this starless city’ makes me think of the Moonrise Kingdom quote in Wilson (Expensive Mistakes): ‘I hope the roof flies off and we all get sucked into space.’ It’s the opposite, basically. Hoping to fall in love and get thrown up among the glittering cosmos rather than anchored someplace dark and starless. (Aside: I love how susceptible Pete is to grand, cheesy quotes? Like when, a few days after the release of The Last Jedi, he tweeted the heavy-handed noir line ‘I want to put my fist through this whole lousy, beautiful town.’ Like, look for that in a FOB song someday.)

11. w.a.m.s.

For the curious, Andy confirmed on Twitter that the title stands for waitress/actress/model/singer, a reference to the stereotype of people who run away to Hollywood to make it big but end up washing out and struggling as the starving artist/waitstaff type. If this idea of our boys citing bankrupt ambition does not make you emotional, you may not have a heart.

This song is incredibly relevant to the dreams meta linked earlier—‘when all the others were just stirring awake, I’m trying to trick myself to fall asleep again’ is very evocative of being in denial over the jarring reality of the end of the tryst. I think this song is about one of the last times Pete and Patrick slept together before breaking up.

‘My head’s in heaven, my soles are in hell’ again highlights that Pete’s wildest Patrick dreams are very different than where he actually finds himself; ‘let’s meet in the purgatory of my hips and get well’ is a pretty transparent request, isn’t it? Especially since pre-hiatus Pete really loved to use ‘hips’ as a signifier for sexual desire/activity. Let’s just fuck and pretend it’s all okay. Let’s lose ourselves in each other and pretend we can have it. Tell me I’m the only one, even if it’s not true. Let me get high on this memory one last time.

‘Hurry, hurry. You put my head in such a flurry, flurry’ is the urgency and compromised judgment of the tryst. ‘Oh freckle freckle’ can be read as Patrick’s forehead mole. ‘What makes you so special? I’m gonna leave you’ tells us what makes the last time so good: Pete knows it’s the last time. Pete knows he has to end it. But he’s so addicted-sick, ((stray-dog sick,)) he can’t stop. ‘I’m gonna teach you how we’re all alone’ doesn’t really sound like something a newlywed and soon-to-be-dad should be saying, does it? But there it is. How can he let go when he knows ‘how heartwarming it is inside your skin’?

The final nail in my coffin: ‘I’m a sunshine machine. I want to get stuck and be golden in your memory.’

We’ve talked about how Patrick = sunshine = gold, right. r i g h t

12. 20 Dollar Nose Bleed

Fun fact: this song is basically erotica to me ever since I wrote that recording booth smut about it! I can’t even listen to it without blushing and becoming uncomfortable. So there’s something you didn’t need to know about me that you… now know about me.

‘Permanent jet lag, please take me back. I’m stray dog sick, please let me in. The mad key’s tripping, singing vows before we exchange smoke rings.’ It is OBVIOUSLY my prerogative to interpret this as slightly depraved sexual longing, but I especially like the bit about singing vows without ever exchanging anything lasting or visible that implies commitment—this can be heard as a comment on the fickleness of commitment, or it can be heard as a comment about how deeply he is/was committed to Patrick even though they never had anything to show for it. Anything they could show for it. Even to each other.

Benzedrine is, of course, the very first pharmaceutical amphetamine (read about it here!). Many great artists and thinkers were influenced by the impossible energy it gives you, which is obviously relatable to someone who experiences natural mania, peddling his own prescription like a ‘medicine man’ (Wilson lyrics). I think the verse about Benzedrine and not letting the doctor in not-so-obliquely references the issue with medication compliance that Pete experienced and many people diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder also do: the meds for this disorder are really unpleasant. They dull you out, they give you tremors, they have really strong side effects, and they take away that amazing manic spark that so many artists credit with their success. Don’t let the doctor in. They’ll take away the only thing he really likes about being himself.

‘Have you ever wanted to disappear?’ is, I think, a glimpse of the unadorned real.

The spoken word bit at the end of this song really hammers together a lot of the themes of the whole album, the whole band, personal and political both. ‘You said you’re not listening and I said I’m wishing…’, only we don’t ever find out what’s really being said.

13. West Coast Smoker

I love the hell out of this song because there are few things in life that are hotter than Patrick singing the chorus. And fuck. Patrick saying curse words. I die every time. I think this is a kink I share with Pete Wentz. I think one day Pete Wentz and I will share a circle of hell. It will be called the ‘Underage Stump Mouth Rotunda,’ and we will all be very ashamed.

We’ve got a lot of the same themes: the ease of suicide and the conviction to live, the way shows feel and how it was when they were kids, drug use and overmedicated ennui. Pete was once the son, is becoming the father, is resolving not to become the holy ghost.

‘I’m the last of my kind’ and ‘when they made me they broke the mold’ and the finality of it all. (Contrasted with the modern era: ‘you’re the last of a dying breed.’ Pete has grown up and away from his recursive self-obsession, from his own myth. Pete learning to look inside others and stop dismissing himself, and everyone else, as fool’s gold.)

‘Your eyes are blocking my starlight’ to me really speaks to the person who is keeping him from Patrick, or the people—the fans, the Public, with their eyes on his every action.

14. Pavlove

I LOVE THIS SONG

Once again, we have a drug use metaphor: ‘she’s back to the bathroom for one more,’ ‘get addicted to this,’ and of course, the endless seeking for something to make ‘my chest stir/my head blur.’ And: ‘I’m not ready for a handshake with death, I’m just such a happy mess’ shows us, for once, what Pete has to live for—not just that he’s resigned to life, but the reason for it. This song is all tied up with the heady swell of live music and self-medication, and there’s no line more representative of my experience as a bisexual person than ‘I’m the invisible man who can’t stop staring at the mirror.’

‘I want to make you as lonely as me so you can get addicted to this’ seems very directed at Patrick, doesn’t it? Because this is a Pete who needs Patrick too much, thinks Patrick doesn’t need him back, is terrified. Doesn’t know how to solve his problems except to flee them. So: he flees them.

 I MADE IT. I BARELY FUCKING MADE IT BUT I DID.

To sum up: Folie is an incredible, sweeping, beautiful album about the glory of Peterick and the band’s impending end, and it will break your heart. Hit me up with questions and requests, and as always, thank you for reading!

shark-myths out *mic drop*

[kayliemusing]

Survey 6

Put your music player of choice on shuffle and list the first 10 songs - Betty by Taylor Swift - Broken by Lovelytheband - Make Me (Cry) by Noah Cyrus - One More Weekend by Against The Current - When We Were Young by Adele - Honestly by Gabbie Hanna - Carousel by Melanie Martinez -Brokenhearted by Karmin - Ashes by Celine Dion - Lover by Taylor Swift

If you could spend a week anywhere in the world, where would it be and why? Would you take anyone with you? - I’d love to go to NYC, because it’s a place I’ve always wanted to go and it seems so inspiring and lively there. I’d take my mom and sister with me.

What is your preferred writing implement? (eg. Blue pen, pencil, green pen) - Blue or black pen, and I like for my ink to feel super flowy and smooth.

Favourite month and why? - I love December because of Christmas time but I also really like May because the sun feels so much brighter and it’s starting to warm up.

Do you have connections to any celebrities (even minor)? List them. - When I was a kid, my dad’s cousin knew Michael J Fox.

Name 3 items you could pick up from where you are. - My phone, my notebook, and my headphones.

What brand logo is closest to you currently? - Asus (the computer I’m currently using. Don’t know about a “logo” tho. Just a brand name.)

Do you ever play board games or other non-computer games? Got any favourites? - YES. I’m obsessed with matching games on my phone. Right now I love My Home, Property Brothers, and Design Matters. I love them because they make me not think and then when you win levels you get to decorate your home which I find totally fun.

A musical artist you love that isn’t well known - Of Monsters and Men. I think they’re a little known, but not overly. One of my fav bands of all time.

A musical artist you love that is well known - Taylor Alison Swift

What is your desktop background currently? - A portrait of trees in the mist

Last person you talked to, and through what you talked to them - My mom and we talked in person.

First colour name you can think of that isn’t in the rainbow - White

What timekeeping devices are in the room you are currently in? - My phone, computer I’m currently using, and my switch.

What kind of headphones do you use? - The apple ones that came with my phone.

What musical artists have you seen perform live? - Lmao the Jonas Brothers when I was 10 and Marianas Trench when I was 15. 

Does virginity matter to you? - Yes, but I don’t care what others choose to do. 

What gaming consoles do you or your family own? - Switch, WiiU and PS4

What pets do you have? What are their names? - 2 Siamese cats, Archer and Misty.

What’s the best job you’ve ever had? - Sephora as a cashier, which I’m currently at. Obviously it’s not a dreamboat but they’ve treated me the best and I’m not totally miserable there.

What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? - Chapters. I feel like it had potential to be a good job, but I was in a really bad place so I feel like I didn’t perform to the best of my ability, but in saying that, they also lacked community there. I could go in and out of that store during my shift and no one would say hi or bye to me. I didn’t have any work friends, and I found management not that nice. Whereas at my job now, it has its flaws but I do feel like we’re kind of a family which I never would have expected because of my experience at chapters.

What magazines do you read, if any? - I don’t read magazines unless it’s an article about Taylor Swift because I love her lol

Inspiration behind your URL? - I have three blogs, so the inspiration for this one was just to the point; I do surveys. My main blog @autumnsletters was inspired because I love words and love letters and autumn so I just threw them together and then my Taylor Swift inspired blog where I geek out about Taylor was inspired by a lyric from a song called I Think He Knows. (@sixteenavenue)

Inspiration behind your blog title? - For this blog, it’s a spin on a Taylor Swift song called All You Had To Do Was Stay where I just inserted the word survey, not that smart lmao. On my main blog my title is “Give you my wild” which is from a song called Peace from Taylor, and then on my Taylor blog, it’s “You’re not my homeland anymore” which is from her song Exile. So I’m very Swiftian.

Favourite item of clothing? - My turtle neck sweater from Dynamite. (I bought three just in diff colours but my favourite is the red one.)

Are you friends with any exes? - I don’t have exes, but I always find it kinda weird when people are friends w their exes because I feel like you can’t come back to friendship once you’ve crossed the line but what do I know.

Name at least one book you loved as a child. - I’ll Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. (I think that’s the title but I’m not totally sure.)

What’s your native language? If that language has distinct regional variations, which variation? (eg. AU English, US English) - US English

What email service do you use? - Gmail

Is there anything hanging on the walls of the room you are currently in? - I’m in the family room so there’s a few things. Some canvas’s of random patterns, shelves, a nyc painting, and then a big rustic canvas of a bible scripture.

What’s your favourite number, and why? - 22, because of Taylor has a song called 22 (surprise surprise) and it’s also doubles and an even number which I like.

Earliest moment in your life you can remember? - I always have this random, very faint memory of being in this double stroller with my sister when I was probably 2 or 3 and she was in the seat in front of me and I was in the back and my parents were behind me talking and it was sunny outside.

What did you have for dinner yesterday? - Chinese!

How often do you brush your teeth? - Morning and night. Sometimes I escape to bed before brushing my teeth if i’m super tired but definitely every morning.

What’s your favourite candy/chocolate? - Maltesers

Have you had other blogs on Tumblr? Do you have any other blogs currently? - Yes, I talked about them just a few questions ago. I have this one, my main, and my Taylor inspired one lol. My main blog has gone through a series of phases throughout the years lol.

If you were suddenly really hungry, what would you choose to eat? - I like to go for easy to grab food. So bagels, muffins, cereal. Something super quick.

What fandoms would you consider yourself a part of? - Swiftie and A Court of Thorns and Roses fandom

If you could study anything, what would it be? - English and Communications, but I’ve always stayed away even though I’ve wanted to study those because I’m terrified of public speaking and I also feel like I’m not quite smart enough. Sad but true.

Do you use anything on your lips? (eg. Chapstick, gloss, balm, lipstick) - I like wearing Fresh watermelon lip balm when I’m not wearing makeup or I have my mask on. Generally when I have a full face of makeup on, I gravitate to lipsticks or lipstains.

How would you describe your sense of humour? - Dry/self deprecating and sarcastic.

What things annoy you more than anything else? - Kanye

What kind of position are you in at the moment? - I am sitting on my couch with my legs stretched out in front of me and resting on the coffee table.

Do you wear much jewellery? - I never wear jewelry but I’d like to start wearing necklaces and getting my ears pierced so I could wear earrings again. 

Who is the leader of your country, currently? Any other levels of government with leaders? (State, region, province, county, district, municipality, etc) - Trudeau

Last 3 blogs on your dashboard, not including any of your own - I won’t name them, but one was a Taylor related blog, one was a writing blog, and another was a literature blog.

What do you carry your money in? - My wallet/debit card

Do you enjoy driving? Why or why not? - I don’t mind driving, but I’m obsessed with other people being angry at me for some reason so sometimes driving is stressful if I make a mistake or when people are behind me, I’m constantly checking my rear view mirror so they won’t think I’m bad at driving. It’s dumb, I know.

Longest drive you have ever been on? - When I was a kid and we drove to BC and stopped at literally every freaking town on the way there.

Furthest away from home you have ever been? - Victoria BC

How many times have you moved house? - Once and I was like four lol

What is on the floor of the room you’re currently in, not including furniture? - A blanket, suitcase that needs to be put away, some cords from the lamps, and a random canvas that hasn’t been hung up yet.

How many devices do you own which can access the internet? - Four,  I think.

Is there is anything that is guaranteed to always make you happy? - Feeling creative and Taylor Swift music. Money, too lmao

Is there anything that always makes you sad? - Books where the two people pining for each other don’t get/stay together, getting super existential, seeing homeless people on the street, thinking about my dad who passed away.

What programs do you currently have open? - Tumblr and Word, because I’m avoiding writing because I don’t know what to say.

What do you associate the colour red with? - Taylor Swift lol. But also Christmas and passion.

Last strong smell you can remember smelling? - My garlic knots coming out of the oven <3

Last healthy thing you ate? - One (1) apple slice lmao

Do you drink tea or coffee, and how much per day? - Neither, both are gross.

What do you associate the colour blue with? - Sadness or gloom, usually. 

How long is the closest ruler you can find? - I don’t think we have a ruler and if we do, it’s in a drawer upstairs somewhere and I don’t feel like digging for it.

What colour pants/skirt/etc are you currently wearing? - White sweats.

When was the last time you drank water? - Probably yesterday yikes. 

How often do you clear your browser history? - Never.

Do you believe nude photos can be artistic, rather than erotic? - I guess it could be interpreted that way, but nude photos just kinda annoy me.

Ever written fanfiction for anything? - Yes and I’m not telling you for what.

Last formal event you attended - Oh, I don’t even know. It’s been YEARS. Probably my cousin’s wedding way back when in 2014.

If you had to move your birthday to another date, which one would you choose and why? - December 13 so I could have matching birthdays with Taylor Swift 

Would you prefer to be at a beach or in the countryside? - Countryside. I hate the beach. The idea is nice, but I hate feeling hot and then I’m surrounded by people with nice bodies and I’ll just start to hate myself, and I never feel like I can wear the summer clothes I want to so it just makes me spiral.

Roughly how many people live in your town? - I have no clue. Thousands maybe.

Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? - Yes. A girl I went to school with and also Jensen Ackles and Justin Bieber 

Favourite place to shop? Can be a certain store or a place where there are multiple stores - Dynamite and Colourpop.

Do you have a smartphone? What kind? If you don’t, do you want one? - I have an iPhone 11 Pro.

What is your least favourite colour, and why? - Navy blue, because it’s ugly.

How do you spell grey/gray? - G R E Y

Go to your dashboard and describe the image shown in the radar section (below the “Find blogs” link) - N/A

What difference is there between how many followers you have, and the number of blogs you follow? - I have 1,374 followers and I follow 1,969 blogs.

How many posts do you have? - Good lord. Too many.

How many posts have you liked? - Not sure.

Do you post mainly reblogs, or your own content? - Mostly reblogs and occassionally I share my writing but I do this thing where I share my writing and I get 2 notes and then I start re reading my writing over and over until I hate it and delete it and fall down this spiral of shame.

Do you track any tags? - no

What time is it currently? - 6:17 pm

Is there anything you should be doing right now? - I’m supposed to be writing because I’m trying to turn it into a routine so I can be more successful with it, but I’m avoiding it because I get so overwhelmed with how little I’m writing/what I’m writing/not knowing what to say, etc.

[rememberthattime]

Chapter 54. Scotland

“Sing me a song of a lass that is gone

Say, could that lass be Chelsay?

Merry of soul she sailed on a day

Over the sea to Skye”

Those lyrics are from an 1870s song about Scotland’s Prince Charlie fleeing from the British after his failed Jacobite rebellion. ...They’re also from the Outlander theme song, but just ignore that.  

I’m using them because the lyrics are a perfect introduction to Chelsay and I’s Scotland escape following lockdown.

I wrote about the lockdown in the last post, but the past five months have been… uncomfortable. Chelsay and I made it through relatively easily, but months of stay-at-home orders, minimal social activity, and the daily onslaught of terrible news take their toll.

Chelsay and I also hadn’t taken a single day off since we started in London six months ago. Without the chance to travel, we didn’t want to waste our vacation days sitting at home. All of this culminated in a pent-up desire for adventure. To get away from the house, the city, and the news.

Flights and international travel aren’t quite safe yet, but luckily we have Chelsay’s favorite travel destination in our own backyard: Scotland.

One of the only small benefits of lockdown has been the extra time to plan trips. I mentioned in the last post that I booked fully cancelable trips throughout the year, preparing for whenever lockdown measures eased. I knew the Puglia and Lakes District trips in April and May had little chance, but a road trip to Scotland in July MIGHT be possible. I scoured the news throughout lockdown, interpreting every story in the context of possible travel: “Did you see France is opening up in May - good sign. And the UK said they might open restaurants in June...”

Chelsay quickly got tired of my over-analysis, but finally, in June, the Scottish government announced they’d reopen for tourists on July 15. I’d booked the trip back in April, but nailed the start date: July 17. Nostra(vel)damus.

With a flood of confidence and excitement, I used our remaining lockdown time to smooth any potential hurdles throughout the trip. Downloading offline maps, saving every possible location we’d visit, researching the best trails and how to avoid crowds - even trawling Google Street View to find where to park (difficult given how rural Scotland is).

We left a bit later on Friday afternoon than planned, so our six hour Day 1 drive had us crossing the Scottish border around 11 pm. That said, Chelsay downloaded some excellent podcasts to pass the time: Dolly Parton’s America and Serial Season 3.

Day 2 is when the trip really began. And within 5 minutes of arriving at our first destination, Glencoe, the dream of our Scottish escape became reality.

We’d visited Glencoe on our 2016 road trip through Scotland, but I planned the 2020 visit slightly differently. Namely, I accommodated a dog. I found a quieter trail far from the road, but still providing dramatic views of the undulating valley.

Maybe it was freedom from the previous day’s drive, but Indy seemed entirely in his element. He was darting off path, investigating small waterfalls along the trail, and thoroughly enjoying every bit of his border collie homeland.

Chelsay and I were swept up in the setting too. This wasn’t stuffy London – it was nature… Raw nature… Raw nature happening all at once: wind, clouds, sun, and rain all within 10 minutes. These are the elements in Scotland, but it didn’t bother us at all. In fact, it was invigorating. After months of being cooped-up at home, we felt so much freedom just steps into our first walk.

I was also overwhelmed by another emotion: adventure. It’d been so long that I hardly recognized the feeling. You start the day in one place – at home, in your routine.  Then, suddenly, you step out of the car, train, or plane, and you’re transported to a different planet. What happened to your routine? Work, cooking, doing the dishes… all gone. Your attention is completely captured by what’s in front of you: colourful Italian villas, wild Australian outback, open Indian Ocean. Glencoe may only be a few hundred miles from London, but this adventurous feeling took Chelsay & I worlds away.

Now, when I say Scotland took us worlds away, I could have been more precise: it took us specifically to the Wizarding world (of Harry Potter).

This was especially true when visiting Glenfinnan Viaduct. Here, the Jacobite steam train passes through a scenic valley along a viaduct twice a day… But the picturesque backdrop isn’t what makes this experience so popular. It’s the fact that the train & viaduct are portrayed as the Hogwarts Express in Harry Potter. As steam billowed into the air and the locomotive let out a whistle, Chelsay jumped around and triumphantly pumped her fist. Indy had the opposite reaction, running away from the booming train as it chugged by.

After a quick stop at fairy-tale castle Eilean Donan, Chelsay and I wrapped up our long journey from London, finally arriving in Balmaqueen on the northern tip of Skye. This trip was really to celebrate Chelsay’s 30th birthday, so I splurged a bit on a holiday cottage. Immediately upon our arrival, Chelsay and I wished we could move here permanently.

First, the cottage was completely renovated – it’s rare for a place this remote to offer Nespresso, Netflix, and digitally-controlled shower, but the owners had thoughtfully accommodated every modern comfort.  Second, and far more significant, the cottage maximized its stunning scenery. Two reclining chairs faced out through the cottage’s wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling windows. Some of my best memories from this trip are the quiet mornings Chelsay and I spent in these recliners, sipping coffee while staring out at peaceful pastures and the surrounding North Atlantic sea.

We spent the next three days exploring Skye’s wild landscapes. We’d visited Skye in our 2016 Scotland roadtrip, but despite being a relatively small island (two hours from end-to-end), the 2020 itinerary was almost entirely unique. Chelsay & I only repeated one experience from the previous trip: the Quiraing, our favorite hike in the entire world.  

Minutes into the hike, we were reminded of the Quiraing’s desolate beauty. My description from the last Scotland trip is still spot-on:  

“I’ve never seen solid land twist and turn in this way – the blending brown and olive hues, the fact that there were no trees, and the smooth bending earth made land look like waves.

For some reason, there’s something about this desolate sight that I love: just us, empty space, and open sky (Skye, pun?). There are no city sounds or buildings or buses or people, and there are no boundaries. Just boundless expanse.”

Despite repeating many of the same views, this experience was still unique for two reasons:

First, Indy introduced a new dangerous element. In London, we worry about him invading an unsuspecting picnic. At the Quiraing, a wrong turn could lead him off a cliff. He earned our trust by staying nearby for the first 15 minutes, and we figured border collies are smart enough to safely stay on-trail. We let him off-leash and immediately regretted it – he’s an idiot. He started bounding around the bouncy moss and, next thing we knew, he’d jumped off a 12 foot crag. OMG – is he dead!? I was taking a picture at the time so you can see how big of a vertical drop it was... Thank god he popped up like nothing happened! The only reason he didn’t break both legs was because he awkwardly landed on his face and chest. Needless to say, he was back on leash until the path became safer.  

The other difference from our previous visit was the weather. In 2016, Chelsay & I had to have visited on the hottest day in Scottish history (consequently, we packed extra water this time). In 2020, the weather was back to its normal, turbulent self. The hike started with patches of blue sky – Chelsay and I actually took our jackets off during a quick lunch. It was perfectly pleasant, until Chelsay quietly mumbled “Uh oh” under her breath. I turned around to see billows of rain tumbling over a cliff face about half a mile away. An entire ocean of rain. It looked like the dead invading Hard Home in Game of Thrones.

You could tell it was moving fast so as you read, keep in mind, the following sequence of events happened in under 20 seconds. First, I yelled “Initiate protocol!” (as if Chelsay & I had trained for this) and we hastily packed everything, especially hiding our electronics. Chelsay crouched behind a hill to brace from the wind & rain, and god bless him, Indy INSTINCTIVELY darted underneath her! I’ll never forget his terrified little body sprinting over and literally diving into the hillside. He’d seen exactly what I’d seen (the Army of the Dead) and wanted no part of it. The dowsing ambush only lasted 10 minutes, and thanks to our waterproof gear, we survived... though I’ll never forget Indy’s panicked reaction.

There was actually a second memorable weather-induced experience this trip. Although the storm had passed, heavy clouds remained and completely enveloped the peak. The fog line was very unusual though: there was a distinct line between dense fog and unspoilt views, which gave us two entirely unique feelings. At the top, the brooding clouds felt ethereal and mysterious. We couldn’t see more than 50 yards. Meanwhile, the descent ensured we wouldn’t be robbed of the spectacular setting, providing pristine views of the sweeping landscape.

Similar to our 2016 trip to Skye, the Quiraing was the highlight of our time on the island. That isn’t a surprise: as I said earlier, it’s our favorite hike in the world. That said, our other adventures on Skye were similarly invigorating.  

After the Quiraing, we made a brief some at Neist Point, where a lonely lighthouse sits at the edge of a craggily outcrop. Chelsay, Indy, and I looked on as the North Atlantic waves crashed below, seagulls squawking as they swooped toward the water. What makes Neist Point especially unique is its undulating shape: similar to my quote from the Quiraing, I didn’t know solid land could twist & turn this way.  

The next day, we’d embark on our longest hike of the week: Camasunary Bay, a secluded cove only accessible by foot or boat. This hike doesn’t really have a peak, but rather a long journey through open farmland, leading to a secret beach at the base of the Black Cuillin Mountains.

Along the way, Indy met a fellow border collie named Clyde. I’ll first say that it was extremely rare to bump into people in Scotland (which I loved), but when we did, they often had border collies (which I also loved). Indy had only met one other border collie while in London… and its name is ironically Skye! He met at least 10 in just four days on the island.

Anyway, Indy and Clyde played around in an open heath overlooking the quiet bay. Indy again jumped off a ledge from way too high, this time falling into a bush… He really is an idiot, but again managed to avoid injury.

We completed the long walk without further issue, though Chelsay and I were exhausted by the end. After the Quiraing and Camasunary Bay on back-to-back days, we could hardly feel our legs. Our massive Amatriciana dinner that night revived us, and was hands down the best meal all trip.

We moved very slowly the next day – I’d say we didn’t want to overwork Indy’s juvenile joints, but really our >30-year-old knees couldn’t take anymore. We managed one shorter walk: Old Man of Storr. This is actually the most famous attraction on Skye, but Chelsay and I had previously avoided it due to its popularity. Thanks to Covid though, the crowds were scarce, and we pretty much had the trail to ourselves.

The next day, we departed Skye for Scotland’s far north, Assynt, which is somehow more topographically extreme than Skye.  This terrain pushes most Assynt hikes out of Indy’s (our knees’) range, though there was one feasible option: Stac Pollaidh. “Stac Polly” is just a four-mile hike, but its 1,700 foot elevation provides both a healthy challenge and a view that ‘punches above its weight.’

This view is hidden throughout the ascent, but once you reach the top, the scenery is stunning. It’s like nowhere Chelsay and I have been – like a Scottish Monument Valley: lonely monoliths looming over a basin of stony cnocs and boggy lochs. The setting beneath us had the topographical diversity of an entire continent!

We were due to stay in Assynt for a few days, but decided to make a rare mid-trip audible for two reasons:

Our entire Assynt itinerary was hikes, and we were exhausted. It was time to rest.

Our AirBnb was haunted.

In our 50+ trips while abroad, we hardly ever make such drastic mid-trip changes, but we’ve gotten to the age where we want a little relaxation in our vacation… free from ghosts. Thanks to my Booking.com status (and the Covid-induced absence of travel demand), we found a shockingly affordable alternative:  Thainstone House, a country mansion in Aberdeenshire.

Aberdeenshire is in Scotland northeast, just above Inverness. Its known for its pastural setting (and steak), but also its salty sea coastline. It’s a few hours away from Assynt, yet our couple stops en route proved our audible was the right call.

First, we stopped in the small fishing village of Lossiemouth. I don’t remember anything about the town… We were really just visiting for the four-mile long beach, accessible by crossing a short bridge over the surrounding canal.

Well, the bridge was closed, but the canal’s water levels seemed low enough. After getting drenched at the Quiraing, crossing this dry creek wouldn’t be an issue.  

Wrong. The next hour was eventful, so I’ll break it down in bullet form:

First, the creek was slightly deeper in certain places, but Chelsay remained dry in her tall rainboots. My duck boots were too short, so our solution was that I’d jump on Chelsay’s back, and she’d carry me through this short stretch…

This plan lasted two small steps before she dropped me in the river. My feet were soaked, but no worry. We had all our clothes in the car, so I’d just change when we get back.

We arrived at the beach, an immaculate stretch of empty sand and surf. Apparently, no one else ‘braved’ the canal, because Chelsay, Indy, and I had the beach to ourselves. Well, except the dolphins and seals we saw along the shore! The entire setting was gorgeous: wind-swept grass, endless sandy expanse, and clear waters quietly crashing along the shore.

After thoroughly tuckering Indy out, we decided to head back to the car. One problem, the tide had changed, and the dry creek was now a FLOWING RIVER! WHAT!? We hadn’t even considered the tide when we ventured out… It was too shallow to even think about!

…The emptiness of the beach now made a lot more sense.

Already wet (from being dropped earlier), we decided the only way back was through. The below video is from the SAFER portion of our fording experience. Imagine the scene on the deeper side: Chelsay and I. Waist deep in the river. Fully submerged in shame.

This story may sound familiar… In fact, it’s happened to us before. In Scotland. It was Loch Coruisk, and Chelsay & I were forced to ford a river to catch a once-a-day ferry. What is it about us and Scottish rivers…

Back on dry land, Chelsay and I continued our Aberdeenshire tour through three more small towns: Fordyce, a 13th century hamlet where we stopped at the town’s Old Kirk (church) for lunch; followed by Crovie and Pennan, two salty fishing villages with single-row housing along the seafront.  …After the river ordeal earlier, we didn’t stick around to see what high tide was like.

We pulled into Thainstone House around 4 pm on Thursday, and the car didn’t move until Saturday around 10 am. That kind of dormancy is RARE for Chelsay & I. The only other vacation where we didn’t leave our accommodation for 36 straight hours was Fiji… where the entire island was our accommodation.

The grounds of Thainstone served as an ‘island’ of sorts for Chelsay & I. There was no reason to leave because the manor met every need: elegant dining, dog-friendly trails, cozy rooms, soothing lounges, and plenty of wine & scotch to occupy our leisure time. Chelsay thinks the staff even tailored to our Americanness: they kept playing Chris Stapleton whenever we were in a room alone.

We were sad to leave on Saturday. Not only had we appreciated the slower pace, but we also knew the next two days required driving 11 hours on our way back to London. That said, we had a few noteworthy stops.

First, a brief visit to Castle Fraser, where we stopped for coffee, scones, and walk. This short break was a reminder of the perks of living in Europe: even road trip stopovers included a fairy-tale castle.

We also stopped in St. Andrews, a small, charming college town north of Edinburgh. Over the next few hours, we walked the campus grounds (regarded as one of the best universities in the world and alma mater to Prince William, the future King); took in St. Andrews cathedral (built in the 12th century); and walked the St. Andrews golf grounds (known as ‘home of golf’ and site of the first round in the 15th century). Indy wasn’t impressed – he pooped on the Old Course.

And that was it. That was our trip. We just had one overnight stop in Peebles, Scotland before arriving back home in London…

Well, except… This stop turned out to be the highlight of our entire trip. I’ve genuinely rushed through the last 3,000 words to finally get to this part.

Chelsay & I had an entire castle to ourselves!  

Backing up: I’d initially reserved different accommodation in Peebles, but the owner had accidently double booked. They were very apologetic, and offered an alternative: the ‘Queen Mary suite’ in Neidpath Castle.

I had no idea what she was talking about… I checked the website: a 13th century castle that has hosted Mary, Queen of Scots, her son King James, and poet William Wordsworth. …Yeah, I’ll take the castle!  

Despite this anticipation, our stay still exceeded my expectations. When booking, I thought we’d only be staying in the ‘Queen Mary suite’: a bedroom with accompanying lounge. There were probably other guest rooms though, right?  

Wrong. We pulled up, the owner gave us the keys to the entire castle, and wished us a great stay.

We immediately began running up and down spiral staircases, through corridors, past dungeons, into dining halls, and around the castle’s chapel. We were like little kids. The only other time our hotel had elicited this reaction was in the Maldives (and two days earlier at the country manor… and four days before that at the Skye cottage…).

The castle is so large that we actually lost one another multiple times. One time, Chelsay & I were together but had no idea where Indy had gone… I whistled, but we didn’t hear anything. No movement. We started to worry that maybe he’d gotten hurt or stuck somewhere. We whistled again, but still nothing.  

Suddenly, a *scraaaaaaaaatttcch* came from behind a door.

Chelsay yelped, assuming it was a ghost. Maybe the same one from that Airbnb in Assynt.

We carefully opened the door *creeeeeek*, only to find Indy staring up at us with his mouth wide open. He was having just as much fun exploring the castle.

It had to have been at least two hours before we finally settled down, cozying next to the fire with a bottle of wine. We reminisced on what a spectacular trip it had been, scrolling through the photos to remind ourselves of all the jaw-dropping landscapes we’d visited.

We couldn’t believe some of the scenery… We had just visited these places… We were in the pictures… Yet the settings didn’t seem real.  Glencoe, Skye, that train Chelsay loved, Stac Polly, the river in Lossiemouth…

Scotland’s rugged beauty seems unbelievable in normal circumstances, but the past week felt like even more of a dream given the preceding months. After nearly half a year in lockdown, our Scottish escape was a reminder of how effortlessly adventure awaits while abroad.  

[survivor-algonquin-blog]

IMMUNITY RESULTS #1

Hope everyone got their groove on!!! Let's get to the results,,,

But first let's meet our lovely JUDGES!!!!

Zach!!

Hey! Zach here. A couple of main seasons under my belt and lucky enough to have played with all of the hosts. I've done this challenge and work in entertainment, so I'll be bringing a critical eye to the table and have no reservations about not holding back. Good luck!

Sarah!!

Hi my name is Sarah. Ive played 7 main ts seasons so I am officially qualified to judge now. I cant wait to see what yall did.

Vilma!!

Hi I'm Vilma and all you need to know about me is that I have a burning love for music videos so I hope y'all put in your best effort tonight <3

Now let's get to some music videos!

Castor's Music Video & Explanation

This is the official submission for the Castor Tribe. We choose to do the music video “Bring me to Life” by Evanescence. This song has a strong theme of Duality throughout the lyrics, and we chose to represent that by only using two tribemates for the lip-syncing portion of this challenge. The video focuses on Bobby, crying out for help, but being shut down by his inner thoughts, portrayed by Bryan. At the beginning of the video, you can clearly see the inner turmoil going on, shown through the colour colour changes and spinning screen. Throughout this portion, it is clear he is listening to Bryan, and letting it hold him back, keeping all these negative emotions inside. About half way through the video, there is a clear tone change, with the scarf starting to come off, signifying an opening up, of Bobby starting to let his thoughts out in a healthy way, and his inner voice becoming quieter and less relevant as time goes on. The video ends on a dark room, lit by a single light, showing that as dark as things may seem, there will always be light at the end of the tunnel, you just must keep moving forward. We felt that this was a good representation for survivor for several reasons. Firstly, in order to progress far in the game, you must be able to rely on other people to keep you sane. One of the Key elements of survivor is the ability to outlast the other players, and that requires you to mentally outlast them as well. You can clearly see that on the Edge of Extinction season, where it is only the mental fortitude of these voted off contestants giving them a chance now. Secondly, there have been several survivor Contestants that have struggled with the ideas of self-doubt, and depression both during and after the show, most notably, Sugar, after Survivor Heroes Vs Villains, as well as Spencer Bledsoe, after Game Changers. Finally, no matter how dark you may think your prospects in survivor are, if you believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and keep pushing through, you will always be able to make an impact. We chose to make the video focus on only two of our tribemates because most submissions for these types of challenges tend to include almost all the tribe members, and we wanted to create something that stands out. All of us contributed to the final product in several different ways. Firstly, we had Lilly, who was the Creative Director, and Task Manager. She came up with the narrative and focused on creating a realistic schedule in order to get everything done on time, and to a good quality. Bobby and Bryan, you saw in the music video, as our lead lip-syncers. Aaliyah was the editor of this video, putting to use her skill in a way much better than anyone else on our tribe could have accomplished. Finally, Michael and Jack created the write up, in order to communicate our thoughts to the judges, to show the amount of effort we put into this project.

Zach:

Creativity:6

The explanation for idea of the music video was strong and well intentioned, if not wholly originally, but I’m not sure it is entirely reflected in what got with the video. I appreciate the deliberate choice to use only two members of the cast to support that idea, so I can’t ding for points there, but I don’t think what we got was what we were promised in the explanation.

Effort: 7

Going off of the intro text, I’ll take it in good faith that everyone contributed as much as was mentioned, and despite execution, I cannot fault their efforts if they all tried.

Composition: 5

Any time there’s a vertical video, it’s going to hurt a little, but I won’t dwell on that too much. I will say that the video ending before the song ends does not help its case. Also, the idea behind the colors and the black and white to show emotional change was a good thought, but did not have the payoff that it should have had. The rationale behind it feels more film school interpretation of something after the fact than intended execution.

Theme: 7

The theme as explained was a solid one, and definitely can see tones of it in the performances and set dress of the actors. Nice job. Bryan will haunt my dreams.

All-in-all, I think this was a good effort and it’s obvious that this team works together well and has lofty ideas. I think the technical skill might be lacking, and it seems like everyone here is very structured in their thinking. I prefer that way of thought so I’m with them, but they needed a little more creative flair here to pull it off.

Sarah:Creativity: 5/10

Effort: 5/10

Composition (editing): 7/10

Theme: 8/10

I wish I saw everyone from the tribe in this but I get your reasoning behind it. It was still just overall ok

Vilma:

Creativity: 4/10

You made a creative decision to include only two people of your tribe in the lip sync and while I appreciate the ballsy move I can’t help but feel I would’ve enjoyed the video more if more people were included in it.

Effort: 5/10

Bobby was the king of the show and really put his soul into it.

Composition: 4/10

Rule number one in music videos: film horizontally! Overall I wasn’t a huge fan of the constant use of cheap looking effects but otherwise the editing was fine.

Theme: 6/10

I think the duality theme in your video was nice an well thought-out but it would be a bit hard to understand without your thorough explanation of it.

Castor Total: 69/120

Elan's Music Video & Explanation

She walks! She talks! She twerks! She's BARBIE! Jump, dance, and sing with your very own customizable doll! Dress her up and take her out. Barbie is your BEST FRIEND! You can be a Barbie Girl too! SHE'S BARBIE! (batteries not included)

Zach:

Creativity: 7

The idea of using Barbie girl for the song was a strong and out of the blue choice, making it look like a commercial really took it over the top. I can’t go higher than 8 because they used a lot of the original music video to cover gaps, but overall, more creative an idea than I’ve seen in a while, and the execution was beautiful which leads me to:

Effort: 8

To put what they put together as quickly as they did takes a lot of coordination from whomever was putting it together, but the fact that most people went so far as to dress as “Barbies” shows that almost everyone was committed to the gag. There were a couple of people who obviously didn’t have as much time to give to this, but substituting them as the Ken was a nice save.

Composition: 9

Obviously when working with iPhones and computer cameras, the visual leaves something to be lacking, but that is more than made up for here with the various superpositions, graphics, texts, crawls, and cuts. It felt like I was watching a bizarro QVC commercial that was as fun to watch as Barbies are to play with, keeping them right on mark for their:

Theme: 9

The fact that this is basically a weird commercial for Barbies is as fantastic as they are plastic. Every inch of it was filled with something to reinforce the theme, whether it was ordering details, people playing with the toys, warnings, calls to actions, or disclaimers (the bottom Mattel crawl was a brilliant example of all three categories of judgement coalescing to reinforce the them.

I wasn’t planning on rating anyone high, but this was weird, original, well done, and fun. Nice job. It was visual candy, high energy, and all surface, which I wouldn’t typically go for, but that’s what Barbie is about.

Sarah:Creativity: 9/10

Effort: 10/10

Composition (editing): 10/10

Theme: 8/10

You guys impressed the fuck out of me and made me literally LOL.

Vilma:

Creativity: 8/10

Cute outfits, cute barbie nicknames, cute editing, cute CuTe CUTE I want these slutty barbies to myself

Effort: 9/10

The barbie QUEENS and the editor guy did a phenomenal job. It looks like most of your tribe participated, although the Barbies outshined the Ken’s a bit. But overall you guys really put yourself out there and put in the most effort.

Composition: 10/10

The editing was ON POINT. Great job ten out of ten.

Theme: 8/10.

I stan the barbie theme and song choice btw Aqua is a Danish band so I love me some nordic representation <3 My only complaint is I wish you introduced us to the handsome Kens too.

Elan Total: 105/120

Hibou's Music Video & Explanation

We lip synced Survivor by Destiny's Child. Due to time constraints Gavin couldn't be in the video, but it doesn't matter since Sammy stole the show. :) The editing got a little weird at the end. Some of the file types were different and that causes playback issues. Also the deadline was fast approaching so the sequences towards the end are a little longer. :p

Zach:

Creativity: 2

Hate to be harsh, but going for Survivor for Survivor is a little too on the nose. Listen, it’s a great song, and some people have some great energy, but creatively, this was low hanging fruit. On top of that, the video is literally just lip-syncing, which is basically like playing a Borneo Game in 2019. Given that they’d be given plenty of examples of other ways this can be done well, I can’t rate this high. To paraphrase the song “you’re better than that.”

Effort: 4

To the people that contributed to this, I appreciate your attempt. The one guy who really embraced the challenge, got a mic, light-up glasses, the hat, et al, if this was based on just your effort, I could go much higher. It’s as high as it is because of you. Unfortunately, it’s a team challenge, and for the brief moments that we saw most of the other players, you can see them reading the words on the screen as they capture their performance. I hope everyone enjoyed it more than it shows, but again, to the point of the song “you’ve gotta work harder.”

Composition: 2

Vertical videos really just need to be turned 90 degrees and it would feel like we’re watching a movie. Or if you’re given vertical videos, copy the layer, move it to the back, enlarge, and blur. It will make it instantly more watchable. This grade isn’t solely because of that though (3 vertical videos don’t help though). The titles screen is cute, but assembled poorly. Some of the text is covered some of the pictures. There’s no real pace to guide us through the song. The cuts seem arbitrary. Editing is very hard and never appreciated, so to whomever put this together, if you did your best, nice job and I encourage to stick with it, but kinda feels like “I’m not gonna give up” was something you were saying to yourself over and over again when trying to make this work.

Theme: 2

Picking this song was a bold choice since it’s so obvious, but you can’t lose points in this category based on choice alone. But given that choice, you have to really knock it out of the park, and I don’t think the bat even touched the ball with this one. There’s nothing here that screams either Survivor nor what Destiny Child was singing about, I don’t know if we’d be weaker without this song in our life.

Look, I hate to be critical, especially since it’s obvious some people put it in a lot more work with this than others, but to be honest, this wasn’t a shining example of what you’re all capable of. It’s hard putting these together, and maybe it just wasn’t worth it this time. Making music videos can be fun or terrible depending on with whom you work. I wish you the best, but I feel like because of this, for one of you “I’m gonna make it, here on Survivor” just isn’t true.

Sarah: Creativity: 4/10

Effort: 3/10

Composition (editing): 6/10

Theme: 4/10

You tried.

Vilma:

Creativity: 4/10

I feel like you guys could’ve been more creative with your Survivor theme. I like that you introduced everyone in the beginning but other than that the video was very simple.

Effort: 6/10

Most of your tribe seemed to participate and that’s always nice to see. Some of you guys were really feeling it too so big props to that!

Composition: 3/10

Again, gotta deduct some points for not filming horizontally. Plus the lip syncing was VERY off most of the time, such a simple thing to fix and the video would’ve seemed much more professional!

Theme: 5/10

Your song choice is literally perfect, you GUYS are survivors and you know it but I wish you would’ve included little skits or something to emphasize the theme.

Hibou Total: 45/120

Congratulations to Castor and Elan for winning immunity!! which unfortunately means Hibou you will be heading to tribal council, where you will be voting off the first person in Tumblr Survivor Algonquin. Tribal will be live over Google Hangouts, and we plan to start at 9:00 EST. please let the hosts know beforehand if you will be able to attend tribal council or not.

[toddcowrd]

do,,, aLL of the aesthetic asks

how,, how could you do this 2 me

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

like two minutes ago :))

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

if the career i want to pursue is going to work out for me

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

i’ve done nothing noteworthy ever

but i was #1 rally champ in my region for soap box derby and i also won my local race and went to the world championships in ohio :))

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

uuhhh i got a disney pass recently and have just been going to disney a lot which makes me v happy

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

yeah man i would tell my crush that i have a crush on them, i would go get all the tattoos, all the piercings, i would prob go to a bunch of protests, and really just speak my mind all the time

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

perform in an original broadway musical as a lead role

meet daveed diggs

write and record a song 

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

uhhhhhhhhhh shit man idk my friend carlos is super funny, has really bad eyesight, has just like the worst fashion sense, is sarcastic and mean af but watches all the same youtubers i do and we have so many inside jokes it’s crazy

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

yeah, i think so. it wasn’t like super great but my parents supported the things i wanted to do and pushed me to succeed 

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

like a few months ago probably

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

my crush cause they’re super nice and i’m sure they would love to stargaze 

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

yeah man i overshare all the time :))

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

one of my best friends jaque and i have 3 am conversations literally all the time 

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

i would tell my brother that i love him cause i can’t remember when the last time i said it was and i want him to know

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

i lov ‘em, i lov any color eye

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“where you ought to go depends on where you want to get to” is a paraphrased quote that the cheshire cat says to alice and i’ve always interpreted it meaning if you want to get somewhere, you have to make it happen, and where you go and what you do should be what you want

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

‘almost 16 years of bullshit’

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

probably buy a bunch of makeup and theatre tickets, and i would buy my friends anything they wanted :)

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

yeah i’m a really forgiving person and i like it but i also kind of hate it bc i fall for the same thing over and over bc i give so many chances to people that don’t deserve it

(see when: i dated a guy like 5 times bc he kept leaving me but then apologizing and promising to change)

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

i’m not going to do that, i’m sorry :((

my memory is really bad so idk what i was like or what i was doing and honestly this ask is long enough lmaoo

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

punk

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

i love them with all my heart i’m gonna be covered in them one day but for now i just have my septum pierced

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

it depends, sometimes i’ll wake up and not want to do makeup, sometimes i’ll wake up and spend half an hour doing it

i also have to do heavy makeup for shows sometimes

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

the entire american idiot album by greenday really affected me a few years ago and really pushed me to like,, be who i wanted to be? idk why but it made me care less what other people thought 

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

you have the right to your opinion unless it is condemning some one for something that is out of their control 

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

0 concerts :(

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

uhh probably lin-manuel miranda and i’d probably just want some generic speech about never giving up and working hard so i could hang it somewhere and it would inspire me 

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

i do not have one but if i did it would wildly fluctuate between tidy and unruly 

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

i remove any makeup i wore that day, wash my face, slap some products on it, change for bed, get a glass of water, play some music, then get in bed

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

uhh i really don’t keep secrets from my mom? she doesn’t know i’m bi but that’s just more of me not being ready to tell her rather than not wanting her to know

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

it would be like deep blue with bangs bc that’s cute af

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

my three best friends (jocsan, carlos, and jaque), em, and my friend kiara 

we would go to a theme park cause they’re fun and i love them 

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

to have clear skin cause my skin is horrid atm

to have the courage to tell someone that i think they’re attractive or that i have a crush on them cause i’m shy and nervous all the time

to be able to travel somewhere i’ve never been for fun cause i’ve only ever traveled for other reasons

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

i wanted to be luna lovegood one year and i was going to get some ravenclaw robes, make Dirigible plum-shaped earrings (to keep away the nargles), get/make a copy of the quibbler, and make her glasses but no one sells ravenclaw robes :(

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

i mean i’m under age so

psst i may have had ‘a few’ coolers once and then proceeded to kick ass in beer pong with my friend christian (though the cups were filled with water lmao we didn’t drink any beer) it wasn’t regrettable but it was frustrating for everyone else lmaoo

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

idk probably like eat someone

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

i’d listen to fireflies by owl city cause i’ll never get tired of it

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realize you’re in love.

i mean, for me it’s like an oh shit feeling followed by happiness and nervousness

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

i probably wouldn’t cut my own hair short bc i love my long hair but anyone who wants to do either of those things is rad af 

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

i would trust anyone it’s simple af i either get a vanilla bean with no coffee or a passion fruit iced tea lemonade sweetened

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

uhh probably my friends and my choir class

[killiancygnus]

Serendipitous Melody 9/?

Summary: Everyone has dreams. You might dream of becoming an astronaut or teacher, or you might want to become a doctor and save as many lives you can. Emma Swan’s childhood dream was being a singer. But with life getting in the way and never finding the courage to overcome her fears, she never had a chance to follow it. That is until a little push from her friends lead her to cash on an opportunity; and, who knows, she might even get more than what she’d wished for.

Rated: T

Word count: ~2.7k

A/N:   It’s show time on Serendipitous Melody this week, are you excited? If you are, I hope you like this chapter and if you don’t...well, I hope you’ll like it anyway :). Huge thanks to @londonsbridge and @the-reason-to-sail-home, my woderful friends and betas, for helping me with the editing and to all the CS Writers’ Hub ladies. 

Tagging some friends: @villains-happy-ending, @stardusted-nymph, @allisonchameron, @kmomof4, @hencethebravery, @katie-dub, @captainwiley, @irishswanff, @thejollypirate, @mahstatins, @dassala, @imhookedonaswan, @ofshipsandswans, @legendofthephoenixcs and @csreviews

If you want to be tagged too let me know :)

(Songs in this chapter are: “Animals” by Maroon 5 and “Paradise” by Coldplay.)

Links: Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 / AO3

Killian was going to see Emma for the first time after that amazing kiss that morning, but he wasn’t nervous. Nope, not at all. Or that was what he had been telling himself. Yes because, he’d actually been tense from the time he got to work, legs going all jittery from time to time, and eyes looking down at the watch on his wrist every few minutes.

His hopes to have some kind of interaction with her right after Peter’s rehearsal got crushed when the chief sound technician asked to have a word with him about some adjustments they had to make for the following day. It took him so long, that he barely had the time to sit cross legged on the stage’s floor as the beats of Coldplay’s “Paradise” were resounding already from the speakers.

When he chose to pair her up against Peter he was sure she could beat him easily, however, considering his determination and the progress he’d made in the last couple of weeks, Killian wasn’t so sure anymore. And from the look on Emma’s face, things were starting to take a bad turn for her. She seemed weirdly distant, more out of sorts than what he had expected. He had figured there’d have been a bit of awkwardness, but not this. She made mistakes she had never made before: she missed her cue, forgot the lyrics a couple of times, and even repeated the refrain when she wasn’t supposed to. And then, as soon as the time was up, she flew away barely saying goodbye.

Saying he was worried was an understatement. But the problem was that no matter how badly he wanted to take her afflictions away, he didn’t know from where he could possibly start.

When Emma got back home, she let her body fall on the couch, her eyes roaming the ceiling. How she managed not to crash her car on the way home was a mystery to her, shaken as she still was by Peter’s words.

How could he know?

In a matter of days two people, who shouldn’t have known anything about her and her past, deliberately mentioned it. It couldn’t be just a coincidence. After all, Killian didn’t look surprised when she told him about her childhood. Perhaps Peter could read her as easily as Killian could?

No, that couldn’t be it. Peter must have found it out somehow. Killian and she had a connection that was something rare, she couldn’t deny it.

Putting her face in her hands she let out a long sigh. She could think about how Peter could have possibly gotten that information for as long as she wished, but it was unlikely she’d find an answer. She could stress herself out to exhaustion and risk letting him win, or she could put all those feelings in a box to be stored in a corner of her mind and fight, give everything she had on that stage the following day.

The second option was by far the best she had.

Emma played nervously with her nails as she watched Peter start to sing from one of the stage doors. The music was loud there, making her heart beat so fast she could feel it trying to escape from her chest.

He was good, really good. Which might be a problem for her, but as soon as he reached the refrain, that became the last of her problems. Yes, because that's when he subtly started directing glances at her general direction whenever he sung a specific verse.

Maybe you think that you can hide

I can smell your scent from miles…

A shiver run down her spine. Was he implying that he had been following her? And if he did, why would he do that? They talked once! He didn't know her.

She didn't have much time to think about what he could possibly want from her that it was the time for her to go on stage. As Peter walked backstage from one of the opposite doors, Emma took a deep breath, passed her hands on her gorgeous red chiffon dress to brush away some barely existing wrinkles and tucked a rebellious lock of hair inside the messy side braid resting on her shoulder.

Slowly, she followed a path of small white lights to the dimly lit stage, which in the meantime had been covered with smoke. A single microphone on its stand was waiting for her, emerging from the white puffs of air that hid her heels from everybody's eyes. It was like she was walking on a cloud, a big, puffy white one, the kind of clouds you would see floating in the sky on a sunny day of spring.

As she approached the centre of the stage, her gaze lowered to Killian’s cerulean eyes, which color was enhanced by the contrast between the darkness surrounding the room and the rays of bright white light coming from the spotlights. She had been so lost in the blues of his eyes, that she barely noticed the reassuring nod he gave her as a soft encouraging smile spread on his face. As the corners of her mouth curved up in a small smile in return, Emma closed her eyes and focused on her breathing, trying to clear her mind and concentrate.

When the first notes of “Paradise” resounded in her in-ear monitors, Emma kept her eyes closed, patiently waiting for her cue. She thought of her childhood; the memories of a time when the only person she could count on was herself. When no one was there to give her an hug after a long stressful day, no one who loved her. No one who would be there after she made a mistake, no one who would help her fight her battles, no one willing to protect a child from the bullies, no one who cared. She forgot about everything that had been bothering her before, and she started to sing.  

When she was just a girl she expected the world

But it flew away from her reach and the bullets catch in her teeth

Life goes on, it gets so heavy

The wheel breaks the butterfly every tear a waterfall

In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes

In the night the stormy night away she'd fly

She let herself go, all the heartache, the loneliness, the pain from those days pouring out from her lips, permeating the words she was singing. She didn’t care about the audience, the cameras or the coaches. Nor did she realise the effect her interpretation was having on the people around her. Her soft, silvery voice tugged everyone’s heartstrings, lulling their souls with a beautiful melancholy.

It was only when her last vocalisation echoed in the room that she opened her eyes. The first thing she saw was Killian, grinning proudly at her and eyes misty, then her eyes focused on Ariel, who was brushing away the tears that had fallen on her cheeks. The cheering of the public was deafening and, as she brought the mic to her lips to mutter a “thank you,” she couldn't help her cheeks from turning bright pink.  

As the audience quieted down, Emma caught a glimpse of Belle walking up to her from backstage, followed by a sour-faced Peter.

“Well,” Belle started, stopping next to Emma at the center of the stage. “That was a great start! Congratulation to you both. Now that there are only sixteen of you left, going further into the competition is getting harder for you, but you’re not the only ones under pressure. In fact, tonight, the burden of choosing who will win a ticket for the Semifinals of Enchanted and who will have to leave the show, rests on the shoulders off all four coaches.”

The theater became oddly quiet as Belle gave her speech. The cloud of tension that fell on the studio grew thicker when, seconds later, the screen covering the wall at the back of the stage lit up, showing both Peter and Emma’s names written over two big zeros. At the sight of it on a hidden monitor placed over the judges chairs, Emma’s stomach tied in a knot for the nerves.

“Let’s start from one of the ladies. Tink. What did you think of Peter and Emma’s performances and to whom your vote goes to.”

Tink sit up on her chair, and after thinking for a couple of seconds about what to say, she started, “I loved both your performances, even though they were completely different. Peter, I appreciated the energy you put into your performance; it was clear that you are in your natural element when onstage. As for you Emma, you were absolutely amazing. In my opinion, what distinguishes a real artist from everyone else is their ability to externalise their emotions through their music, building a deep emotional connection with the audience. That’s what you did tonight Emma, and for this reason my vote goes to you.”

There was an eruption of cheers and a few boos, as a silver one papered on the screen under Emma’s name with a pling. Emma bit her lip in embarrassment, trying - in vain - to hold back a grin from spreading on her lips. Then, holding the microphone up with slightly shaky hands, she muttered a barely audible “thank you” right before Belle handed it over to Robin.

“Even though I loved Emma’s performance, my vote goes to Peter.”

As soon as the words left his lips a roar of boos came from from the majority of the audience. Robin put a finger on his mouth asking them to quiet down.

“Both their performances were flawless, but I think that a singer also needs to be a bit of a showman. You know, dancing around, interacting with the people around them. You still have to work on that Emma, but you don't Peter. That's the reason behind my decision.”

While the score changed again on the screen in the background, a few whistles of disappointment could be heard among the fake cheers.

“I guess it’s my turn now,” Ariel observed once the hoots died down, and then spoke directly at Emma, “I think you noticed the tears on my face earlier. Your interpretation was so unique and beautiful, and that’s because you poured your soul in those lyrics. So my vote goes to you, Emma.”

“Wonderful! That’s two votes for Emma and one for Peter,” Belle announced as another round of applause rose from the audience, “Anything can still happen though, as Killian’s vote will count double, since he’s been the one to guide both Peter and Emma on this journey. Killian, it’s up to you now.”

“Seems like it is, yeah,” Killian acknowledged, for then falling quiet as he looked for the right words to say, “This is extremely hard because you both deserve to get to the semifinals. Alas, only one of you can. You would think that being their coach, I already know how good their performance will be. And most of the times you’d be right, but not always. There are always exceptions, you see; and among these exceptions the ones which leave me positively surprised are always the rarest. Tonight one of those exceptions, who surprised me not only once, but thrice, is standing right in front of me. And it’s for this reason that my vote goes to Emma Swan.”

Emma couldn’t believe his words. She was so stunned that she barely registered Belle complimenting her and the loud whoops of the audience. She did it. Again. She never thought she would come so far in this competitions, but here she was, the first semifinalist of Enchanted. And Killian, he looked so proud, somehow.

Noticing a crew member gesturing her to get backstage, Emma came out for her stupor. She thanked both the judges and the audience, and the headed towards the door, not after giving an apologetic smile to Peter for the cameras.

The shootings had just ended, when Emma walked in front of the coaches changing rooms on her way to the exit.

It wasn’t that it had taken her more time than usual to change back into her clothes, on the contrary, she had been quite happy to get off those ridiculously high heels and put back on her boots. It was just that, after she saw Peter leaving the studios rather quickly, she had decided to stay and watch Elsa’s performance, which of course was the last one of the day. It was going to be a nice distraction from everything that had happened to her lately. Were she alone at home, her mind would have probably wondered in places that were less than welcome at the moment. Like Peter words, Felix’ case, Killian and that amazing kiss from a couple of nights before. However, right after she’d shared a celebratory hug with Elsa, who also won against Leroy, exhaustion started to settle in her bones. Cutting the conversation with a more than excited Elsa short, Emma grabbed her purse and left waving her friend goodbye.

As soon as Emma took a turn at the end of the corridor, her body collided against something solid, but at the same time soft, covered with black cotton.

“Sorry, lass.”

At the sound of Killian’s voice her head snapped up in surprise.

God, this is going to be so awkward.

“Oh, ehm, hi,” she breathed out as their eyes met, and then continued, tucking her head down in embarrassment, “It’s okay. I’m sorry too, I wasn’t really looking were I was going.”

“Swan? Are you alright?” Killian said, looking at her as if he were trying to read the answer in her eyes.

“I am,” she replied, brushing him off, and eyed the door at behind him, ready to run, “I’m just tired.”

Killian rose his left eyebrow skeptically, and then he reached down for her hand to stop her for going away.  

“Hey,” he said softly, “I know something is off. You can tell me, if you want.”

“I…” Emma hesitated, biting her lip as she thought of what to do. She was almost ready to free herself from his hold and leave, when the words came out from her mouth as if they had a life of their own, “I talked with Peter yesterday before my rehearsal...We had never met before and somehow he knew I’m an orphan. And then as he sung earlier, he kept glancing at me during the refrain as if I were the prey to hunt down. He called me Lost Girl like Felix did at the pub, Killian. I just don’t know what to think.”

Killian’s eyes widened a touch at the revelation. He looked like he’d just got revealed the key answer to solve a complicated puzzle, and in some way he had.

Suddenly, he tugged at her hand and pulled her body to his, embracing her in a hug.

Shocked by the gesture, Emma let him hold her. She rested her head on his solid chest and breathed him in. As he started drawing small circles on her waist, he rested his chin on top of her head and whispered softly her name and “everything will be alright”s.

They stayed in each other’s arms for what seemed like hours, until the sound of a door slamming open and the ticking of someone’s heels on the floor, made them jump apart.

“Jones.”

Killian moved a touch on the right making her see the woman who had just spoke. She definitely looked like a businesswoman with that black sheath and serious attire.

“Regina, what are you doing here?” Killian asked the woman, moving a little closer to Emma as if to protect her.

“I had a meeting with the production,” she explained matter-of-factly, and then continued, giving Emma a disdainful look, “I was coming to get you so we could talk on the way home, but I see you’re otherwise occupied. Come to my office at ten sharp on monday morning, Killian. It was a pleasure to meet you, Miss Swan.”

And with that she left.