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carminifer · 3 years ago

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from now on I'll be crossposting my thoughts between here and dreamwidth,, so here’s a combined one for the first two chapters of my fic :]

i got really excited responding to one comment on chapter 2 regarding my word choice, which was probably not what the reader expected and i now feel a bit awkward about subjecting them to my thoughts. i was inspired to do a kind of commentary about my writing here, though, so that future readers who just want to have fun don’t have to watch me talk about personification and alliteration lmaooo

commentary: chapter one

the fantasie is comprised of four interconnected movements, to be played in unbroken succession.

the first movement is melancholy; it establishes a gentle lyrical theme that transitions to a more solemn one.

as i say in the author’s note, the fic is structured after schubert’s piece of the same name. each movement corresponds to a chapter, and each chapter follows the emotional structure of the movement. the ‘theme’ that is established in this chapter is either the bond between kaoru and ainosuke, or the worries kaoru faces—whether the reader prefers to read this fic more as a love story or as a character study is up to interpretation (it’s both, they aren’t separate from each other, but they’re two slightly different readings)—but they both serve as the undercurrent for the piece, and essentially blend into one concept.

Of all the terms to ascribe to Ainosuke, let it never be said that he is a poor musician.

when i write, i usually come up with a concept first, or maybe a specific theme or mood. with this, i thought up this first line ^^ completely out of the blue. a lot of the time, opening lines come easy to me, but i really do consider them a lot; for my main fic, i changed the opening sooooo many times, and then used the first (unfitting) opening as the basis for a completely separate fic/fandom. but in this case, i thought up this line first, and the rest of the story just unfurled from there. what terms can we ascribe to ainosuke? skater, politician, criminal, villain, antagonist, misunderstood? forget all that—this ainosuke is a musician. i just really love that juxtaposition. i think it’s a bit whimsical.

He took heed to make sure the two would be left alone without parents prying in to ask about his new friend—Ainosuke didn’t deserve to have his introduction to Kaoru’s space marred by such uptight people.

i’m in the camp of “kaoru’s parents were rich but negligent”—not to the extent of ainosuke’s family, but enough to give kaoru and ainosuke some common ground. while the sakurayashiki parents don’t show up in this fic, their influence on kaoru plays a role in the isolation and self-doubt he feels.

Not for the first time, Kaoru worries that he’s too lowly to be an adequate partner for Ainosuke.

at first, i was unsure whether i wanted to go the route of (a) “kaoru thinks he’s equal at first, but then watching ainosuke play the piano and skate makes him realize that they’re on different levels” or (b) “kaoru has always been feeling inadequate, and the piano is the nail in the coffin.” i decided to go with (b), and write a kaoru who’s been plagued by these worries for a while.

It’s the consideration Ainosuke displays, his cultivated manners, that makes Kaoru respond by uncovering the keys for Ainosuke’s use.

*takes drag of cigar* it’s a sex metaphor. it becomes more apparent in chapter two, but think of the piano as reflection of kaoru’s body. yeah.

His fingers are long, yes, but they look like ungainly spider legs. They’re calloused and scarred, with his knuckles too knobby, his cuticles angry red from being bitten and his veins a sickly green against his pale skin. They’re not tapered and neatly groomed like Ainosuke’s.

i got a nice compliment about this <3 hands are some of my favorite parts of the body, next to ribs (count how many references to ribs are in this fic). in high school, when i thought i was going to art school (lol) i dedicated as much time as i could every day to drawing hands. hands are notoriously hard to draw! when i started sk8, i sketched out some ideas for how i imagine the characters’ hands to look—this was going to be an art project. i envision kaoru’s hands to look like bts’s j-hope's, while ainosuke’s are more like exo’s baekhyun’s. kaoru works with his hands more than ainosuke, i reckon, so i imagine kaoru’s hands are beautiful in form (long fingers), but marked and calloused to show he uses them. ainosuke, meanwhile, is much more delicate overall. never has to lift a finger, and visual presentation is very important to him.

He wonders whether Ainosuke is aware of how captivating he is, if music is just another extension for him to perform for the world, or if Ainosuke’s existence alone is simply just the closest thing on Earth to ethereality.

ainosuke is just a performer in everything he does. skating, politics, music. i really like how sk8 makes him a dancer. it adds a theatrical element to his character, while obeying the effects art (performance is art) has. he commands attention. the spotlight follows him, while kaoru has to follow the spotlight. that’s just how i see it.

“Mozart’s such a lovely composer,” says Ainosuke.

Kaoru is quick to agree.

“Are you a fan?” Ainosuke asks, smirking.

YES this made me sooooo happy to write. it’s all in the little details with these two. ainosuke knows kaoru’s bullshitting, but he just plays along.

“I can play the violin and flute too, but the piano’s my favorite. What about you? How long have you played?”

originally, this was going to be titled “theme and variations,” and kaoru and ainosuke would have played different instruments! kaoru was always a pianist, but ainosuke was a violinist. i changed them to two pianists to just further emphasize the big difference between them.

“You don’t seem to have enjoyed it.”

“What makes you say that?”

Ainosuke shrugs. “A feeling.”

i don’t know if anyone caught it, but this is another clue ainosuke knows kaoru’s bullshitting. he’s knows kaoru doesn’t like music as much as he does and is just trying to make ainosuke like him.

“Why not? You’re good enough after a bit of practice.”

i’m the one who wrote this and i can’t tell if it’s a backhanded compliment.

They do hold a duet later that evening, but no piano is involved. Kaoru’s bedroom is the nicest concert hall in the world when they occupy it, when Kaoru surrenders his body to be Ainosuke’s instrument. Kaoru thinks he knows Ainosuke better than he’s ever known the piano, because the noises he conducts out from Ainosuke are more musical than anything he could dream of creating on the keyboard.

i got another nice comment about this <3 up until chapter… 3 or 4… of this fic, i have never described sex with any graphic depictions of body parts, physical actions, sounds, or really literally anything. i’ve compared sex to the tide of the sea, and now to a musical performance, and then later in this fic it’ll be compared to something else. the only scene i’ve written that doesn’t include metaphors is from my wip longfic, and that literally fades to black before anything super E rated happens… and includes a plot-relevant flashback. i cannot write (or really read) pwp. i need some sort of artsy plot going on.

Even when they reach their coda, they don’t separate. Ainosuke lowers himself, careful not to put too much of his weight onto Kaoru’s ribs, as he nuzzles Kaoru’s temple and whispers, “it’s Beethoven.”

“What?”

“The piece I—we—played today. It’s a Beethoven sonata, not one of Mozart’s, like I said. You didn’t correct me.”

Kaoru hopes Ainosuke doesn’t feel his breath trip. That’s it, this is how Ainosuke will call his bluff and finish with an oh, nice knowing you, Kaoru, but I’d rather spend time with someone who can actually identify composers.

“I must’ve misheard,” Kaoru murmurs to his ceiling.

MIC DROP. GAHHHH this was so much fun to write. ainosuke calls kaoru out, but still gives him the grace to regain some sort of dignity by passing it off as a mistake. ainosuke as a character is very intelligent, very people-savvy, and he knows how to come out on top while letting his opponent know just how much he destroyed them. i was happy other people found it as MIC DROP as i did hahahaha i don’t have a beta reader, never had, so i’m the only person whose reactions i can judge before publishing… and that’s sometimes scary, because i’m clearly the least objective person reading! i don’t read a lot of how-to writing advice (i just read novels/short stories/poems/fics i like and then experiment on my own), but i’ve sometimes checked out a few, and one that stands out is “if you’re impressed by something, re-do it because it’s not as good as you think.” overall, i’m very critical towards my work, and it’s very very rare that i’m genuinely impressed by something i write. this was one exception, and i’m relieved it worked out well.

and chapter 2:

In this respect, humans live musically. A rhythm is established through pulse and breath, ticking on and on until it doesn’t. It’s as inevitable as it is expected.

the entire first few paragraphs are based on something one of my professors said. his words were, “we all have the rhythm in us. one, two, [makes whooshing noises to mimic the heart] and when the rhythm stops? well, you go ask a minister what happens then.”

Relationship. Even that word makes Kaoru want to break something, break a board, break a fist over a smarmy-faced skull.

lol let’s count how many times i foreshadow the full swing kiss in ep 9. this marks 1.

Kaoru, of all people!

“Adam, of all people!”

“Don’t leave, Adam, please,” nearly sobbing into his phone with his eyes unseeing, cuticles bleeding, lungs threatening to uncage themselves from his ribs, “tell me how I can help. Are you not allowed to skate anymore? Are you just bored? We can do something else, you don’t have to leave just because you’re bored—”

i got a compliment on this ^w^ that “cuticles bleeding, lungs threatening to uncage themselves from his ribs” is a callback to chapter one: “his cuticles angry red from being bitten” and the references to kaoru’s breath tripping at the end when ainosuke calls him out (“careful not to put too much of his weight onto kaoru’s ribs,” also). i mentioned in the last commentary that hands and ribs are two of my favorite parts of the body (and the spine is either tied for number one or two). also in the last post, i said “count how many references to ribs are in this fic” so here we go: ribs mention number 2.

pretty little words, sickly seductive sweet words that enticed Kaoru with promises that maybe someone could be so affectionate and passionate towards him, dripping honey sugar sweet sticking in his throat, suffocating, sputtering, obvious falsehoods and flatteries

i’m just going to paste a comment i wrote in response to one on the fic:

“even just little things, like the alliteration (for the life of me I can't really tell the difference between the different types lol i just like repeating sounds)—I like to use harder consonants with kaoru's rage [moving/monster/meritable // clasped/clamor/calloused/chip/crack] and s sounds with ainosuke's charm [sugar/sweet/sticking/suffocating/sputtering // storm/shelter/skies/shed/soaked] so when I combine c/k sounds with s sounds [smacks, strike, skeleton] it's like kaoru and ainosuke coming together in a destructive way. oh irony~~”

you may think it’s gimmicky or cliche, but i really like alliteration. not all the time, but when it develops a rhythm here? good. it becomes its own leitmotif, which just suits the whole MUSICAL theme of the piece as a whole.

preening over the keys like some fantastic bird

peacock adam

They call the Environmental Section of Okinawa’s Sanitary Division to dispose of it, but to their luck the piano’s considered non-disposable, and the city won’t collect it, they should instead try calling the manufacturer; Kaoru’s thought ahead and has another plan for the instrument.

THIS IS REAL!! i researched the okinawa sanitary division and they have sections for disposable appliances and furniture, so i was thinking ‘hm, okay, a piano is kind of like furniture’ but NO!! pianos are actually listed separately as non-disposable items. https://www.city.okinawa.okinawa.jp/userfiles/files/page/english/2304/33SeparatingGarbageOkinawaCity.pdf

Despite his relatively posh birth, he traversed this city until he knew the streets as well as his blood knew his veins. He was already playing delinquent before Ainosuke showed up, had already mapped out the places the police wouldn’t find them, had already learned where he could skate and where he could bike, how to fall and where on his body to take blows so that bruises wouldn’t be found, how to turn bottles to knives. Any of Ainosuke’s additions to Kaoru’s knowledge served only to augment it; Ainosuke might have held the others’ interest and all things beautiful and Kaoru’s own heart, but the streets were always Kaoru’s—if Kaoru could hold anything, let it be the streets—the streets belonged to Kaoru first.

i just. thank you to irene for liking this as much as i do. “street nymph kaoru” is etched in my brain.

“Not a chance in the world,” Ainosuke breathed to the fluttering hum of Kaoru’s wired pulse, once they withdrew to a place where not even the moon could see them. “No one loves like I do.” I love you, Kaoru heard, though he was not daring enough to repeat it.

i wanted to hint at ainosuke’s skewed perception of love. ‘no one loves like i do’ is technically true, because he doesn’t love in the ‘right’ way. that is something to be explored later ^^

He knows he’s reached his destination when he first catches the smell of salt carried through the wind, and then sees that gorgeous sky, blanketing the world with a canopy of fire-orange, Ainosuke-eye-Kaoru-hair colors. He hears the sea stream below. Could this truly be the same sky Ainosuke sees wherever he is? It feels wrong to know that they’re still on the same Earth together under the same sky, yet so far away. He wishes Ainosuke was in another world where Kaoru wouldn't know to look for him. He wishes Ainosuke was back here in his arms.

i got a compliment on this <3 i’m proud of this too. the sense that we’re all under the same sky is one that has stayed with me for many, many years. it’s almost unfathomable that everyone is here on earth under the same sky yet we all live such different lives.

When he dismounts his board and takes semi-hesitant fawn steps towards it, he sees a bright pink design painted into the drive-in’s wall—a cherry blossom. His cherry blossom. His tag. This was his territory, and he let Ainosuke kiss him here because he loved Ainosuke and he thought Ainosuke loved him too—what a fucking fool—

one of the themes of this fic in general, but specifically this chapter, is the sense that kaoru was a leader who is struggling with feeling powerless after ‘losing’ his rule, his sovereignty. in a few paragraphs, i’ll explain more when i get to the dido/aeneas comparisons, but this is one of the hearts of the story, and it’s how i now see kaoru. he is powerful, but he is insecure and scared. like adam, he was a ‘king,’ and he is slowly becoming a ‘nobody’ and trying to find a way to regain the sense of control he is losing. this is a loveblossom parallel that probably is just my own personal headcanon, but it works in this story (which is already an AU so i can do whatever the fuck i want lol), and i think it makes for an interesting dynamic between two fallen ‘kings.’

It was here, in this very spot, where Ainosuke and Kaoru took cover from a sudden storm one evening.

HERE WE GO HERE WE FUCKING GOOOOOO

so tl;dr: in roman mythology, there was a warrior named aeneas who was the son of venus (the goddess of love, roman version of aphrodite) and some mortal dude named anchises. when the greeks destroy troy, his home, during the famous trojan war, he flees to italy, where his descendants, romulus and remus (the twins nursed by a wolf), would found rome. the epic poem aeneid is the story of his journey out of troy, and it’s pretty much modelled after homer’s odyssey and iliad (guy trapped on sea voyage for many years, then arrives home to fight).

the most famous part of aeneas’s story is probably his love affair with dido. there's a whole opera and everything. see, due to a lot of divine intervention (these gods are terrors, after all), aeneas’s trip to italy gets sidetracked and he ends up in the city of carthage, which was a city in north africa. carthage is ruled by queen dido, who also founded it (parallels with aeneas) and tbh she’s pretty competent. carthage is doing pretty well. it’s a very prosperous place. she’s a widow because these families are nuts but has not remarried or anything, and she’s leading carthage all on her own. #girlboss

aeneas gets shipwrecked and ends up in her kingdom, and she welcomes him and his men with open arms. some of the gods, like that lovely little boy cupid, work their magic, and the two fall in loooooveeeeee.

their ‘marriage’ is one of the most depicted scenes in art of this story. while out hunting, they are caught in a storm! all the men run and hide. dido and aeneas hide in a cave, and they get BUSYYYYYYYY

dido thinks that they’re married now, and she’s living in her happy world. unfortunately, aeneas must obey his duties (in latin, he is described with the epithet ‘pius’ as in ‘pius aeneas’—the english word ‘pious’ comes from this, but ‘pietas’ refers to the duties romans had towards their country, the gods, their family, etc., so ‘pius aeneas’ is often translated ‘pious aeneas’ or ‘dutiful aeneas’ or ‘loyal aeneas’). the gods tell aeneas ‘hey, i know the sex is great and all, but you should really get back to that whole voyage thing,’ and so he gathers his men in secret and attempts to sail away without her knowing.

unfortunately, she sees him sailing away and screams this awesome speech accusing him of being a traitor, and he responds basically like ‘i don’t want to leave you! don’t blame me! i’m just following the fates!’ dido is so broken, she kills herself and makes her sister burn her body on the funeral pyre.

tragic!

if you’ve read etude, that was the original flashback for this scene. it was originally much shorter, so i expanded it to a full one-shot, but in the original draft that was here and the myth alluded to in this section was psyche and cupid.

i changed it to this dido and aeneas story for two reasons. one, there’s enough sex later on in this fic, and i figured having a sex scene here would’ve been too much. two, because i believe the story of dido and aeneas is much more fitting for the loveblossom story contained in this fic alone.

kaoru, a powerful person on his own, but with a delicate heart. he is very passionate as a person, despite the cool exterior facade he tries to maintain. ainosuke, duty-bound by his family, yet hurting kaoru in the process. ainosuke is a stranger in kaoru’s world, yet kaoru is the one who is swept away. aeneas is the son of the love goddess, yet venus is responsible for war; he is a warrior. ainosuke is the same, i think.

sooo with all this in mind, let’s continue!

The stringed hammer skeleton lies open.

“stringed hammer skeleton” from this point forward, i wanted to take great care to personify the piano. kaoru himself doesn’t die, but if i could make the piano human enough, i could make the piano a second version of “kaoru” to die in his place, like dido did.

and Kaoru wants to throw the piano, wishes he were strong enough for his two hands to push down the instrument back, back, on the concrete bed of the pavement

in the same way kaoru is on his back on the bed in both sex scenes (so far). this scene is a role-reversal between kaoru and ainosuke, in a way. kaoru takes on the role ainosuke plays, and the piano becomes kaoru.

but instead he rages, and he bends down, and he clasps his board in his calloused, spider leg un-piano hands, and he swings. He swings and his board smacks the innards of the piano with a resounding scream, and he feels a crack like breaking bone.

role-reversal! this is foreshadowing for the full swing kiss, except this time, kaoru is the person swinging the board to break bone.

He wants to hit it until it’s nothing but a broken irreparable skeleton of a thing, just a thing, just an object with no memory or significance or short-sighted romantic ideals strung together. It stands sinew string and hammer bone. He wants it gone.

i got a compliment for this too <3 kaoru does to the piano what he wishes to do to himself :((((

He withdraws as the flame grows, eating away at the instrument’s corpse, then he throws the lighter with the rest of the immolation.

He adds his board to the pyre without a second thought.

pyre, immolation, the piano is full dido now.

Kaoru thought it was love, but now he realizes he never had the experience to make that judgment.

As he watches the glow tear to the sky, he concludes that he likely never will.

and a compliment on this <3333 kaoru’s just in a state. of course he is!! to his perspective, he’s been lied to and totally betrayed.

#fantasiainfminor.fic

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