#but the gg shit and everything is just making me anxious

[georgespaniel]

i do worry lads that this is getting a tiny bit too much for me

[bourbon-ontherocks]

1 7 14!!!!

Thank you!!! 💕💕

1. What part of the writing process is the most enjoyable?

The daydreaming!!! 💭 Cause y’know... It’s the easiest part! Plus it’s like, I can imagine 30 different versions of a scene almost in the bat of an eye and I get to decide which one(s) I’ll eventually write! Or not! There’s such a feeling of unbound freedom attached to this stage that you don’t necessarily have once you’ve started writing because consistency!! Also that’s when I get inspiration nuggets!! The feeling of power when you’ve just thought of a subplot that’s gonna mess up with everything... 😈

7. What do you love most about being a fic writer for your fandom?

Well, for GG I guess it’s the fact that everyone was so chill and supportive that it gave me the confidence to try my hands at writing and grow as a fic writer and explore what I liked and the skills I wanted to refine... And I love that this fandom gave me the opportunity to go through all the stages of self-confidence re writing, from feeling super tentative to being anxious for attention and then anxious for ignorance, from feeling compelled to write for a certain audience to not giving a shit anymore and just enjoying what makes me happy. I’m not sure I would ever have felt confident enough to then write for a non-existent fandom if I hadn’t had that experience before. Oh, and I love that even though I barely post anymore in this fandom, whenever I happen to do so, people are still there to give love and support, and I really love this sense of community that I have with this fandom ❤️

For HPI, I love that I kinda started this fandom lol! And I love that now there’s like, this small crowd of readers who follow my stories and give me some of the most incredible feedback I’ve ever received. And I love that I get to write in French! And that there is so much to explore writing-wise! And I love that there’s this whole lil community that built itself organically, and I love being a part of it! ❤️

14. Share a snippet.

Okay, since it’s you, have this sneek peak of Champagne Room 😘

They've been ten minutes or so in this mockshow of foreplays — and by then Elizabeth's breathing has quickened, her cheeks reddened, and his body fucking responded cause there's only so many times she can smash her tits at his face and expect him to remain impassible — when Gene decides to be a cunt again, probably to impress Mr. Bad Guy or some shit. The way Gene's got the mentality of a fucking puppy is genuinely baffling.

"Hey, man, are you going to fuck her or what?" he asks, his own hands roaming all around the dark-haired girl Rio's pretty sure goes under the stage name of Gloria who's kneeling in front of him, decidedly undoing his pants.

Elizabeth straightens a bit at this to look towards Gene with a disgusted expression, mimics a retch before she brings her lips close to Rio's ear. "Ew. Who even are those guys?"

Right? At least someone else gets it.

"How 'bout you do you and I do me?" Rio dryly shoots back.

Cause — gee, give a man some privacy for fuck's sake. Exhibition's never really been his jam to start with.

"This is not how it works," Gene chuckles, his eyes shining with horniness in a way that's fucking obscene at the sight of him and Elizabeth wrapped up together.

He... fuck, he gets it. He knows there is something mesmerizing about how hot they are together. Shit, he kept his eyes on that mirror for a reason. But that ain't enough of an argument to convince him to share that with the rest of the room.

"I thought there were no rules," he points out.

Under his palm, he senses Elizabeth tense at their exchange, although he can tell that she's tryna keep quiet, pretending to tease him as best as she can, pushing it as far as dragging her tongue along the edges of the wings drawn on his neck.

He swallows. This was fucking unnecessary.

Happy ramble

[tavrosdidnothingwrong]

On Vriska and Tavros in Act 5:2

Starting from the conversation Jade has with Tavros, where he reveals why he helped shoot Grandpa

AT: i SPENT SO LONG SLEEPING AND DREAMING AND PLAYING ON PROSPIT, AT: tHAT BEING AWAKE WAS MADE TO FEEL WEIRD, aND i DIDN'T LIKE IT FOR A WHILE, GG: yeah i have done a lot of sleeping myself :) AT: oH, yES, i KNOW, bUT, AT: i SAW YOU, yOU WERE AWAKE A LOT TOO, AT: aFTER A CERTAIN MOMENT, i SPENT JUST ABOUT EVERY WAKING HOUR BEING ASLEEP, GG: wow why did you sleep so much??? AT: iT WAS JUST A BETTER WAY TO BE, mORE PEACEFUL AND FUN AND, AT: i GUESS, AT: tHERE WAS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED THAT WAS INCREDIBLY TERRIBLE, AT: aND SAD, AT: aND MADE ME FEEL TERRIBLE AND SAD AND SLEEPY, sO i SLEPT, a LOT,

Tavros is like this reverse Peter Pan in the sense that he’s what realistically happens if a boy stays in a timeless expanse. I love this arc. I related to this a lot (and still do sometimes) when it comes to depression. My go-to coping mechanism is complete immersion in a fictional work. Which is what I’m doing right now (COVID-19 is in full swing, I need something)

Sometimes distracting yourself as an anxious and depressed person is necessary, but of course, the anxiety fuels the depression to convince itself that it’s better in here. Your coping mechanism becomes too good. Tavros doesn’t get this, at least on the surface. Hopes that by chasing a better feeling – having his legs back, like that’s a pretty rough thing to have to give up – he can put enough distance between himself and what’s wrong. Unfortunately, you can’t just check out of reality.

Deep down, I think Tavros always knows this. That’s why I don’t get some of the hate towards him in fandom. Him being boring I get, him being frustrating for not standing up for himself, I get. But to call him oblivious or stupid is a reach. Most of his pesterlogs consist of him acting more confident than he is, but do I think he actually believes it? No.

When pressed – when Vriska really upsets him, as we see in a minute – he does know that he’s allowed himself to be stifled by what happened to him. That he doesn’t need to keep believing Vriska’s lies that being crippled is his fault, and he should apologize for it. He’s less mad at her, I think, than he is at himself for allowing the treatment.

You would think that by having a positive outlook, like Tavros tries to, things would just get better. It’s often a mantra used in restorative yoga, see yourself where you want to be, good things will follow a good mind. But in the real world, good and positive people are victims of casualty and random misfortune. Shit things happen and sometimes it’s not your fault.

Anyway Homestuck is secretly like an Atheist’s anthem, I love it in here. One of my “peak moments” was realizing that “God having a plan” for everything was just making me miserable to think about. Why let humans brutalize each other? What good excuse is there? To teach us something? Why not just give it to us straight?

I felt like I had to rationalize things that shouldn’t have any rationalization. The first way to get over something is to see it for what it is. Random killings and rapes aren’t “blessings in disguise.” They happen.

Homestuck (Skaia) plays fun at this with things like the sprites and denziens speaking in riddles, and having death and defeat be inevitable. If the players think about it too much - think they’re doomed before they start or get too caught up in the semantics of the riddles to move forward - they may not realize that they need only to do what Dave said: make choices and try to be sure they’re the right ones.

How? Trial and error, from what we can see. Risky as fuck trial and error.

AT: i WANTED TO ASK YOU PERMISSION, AT: i WOULD HAVE ASKED PERMISSION THE FIRST TIME, AT: bUT AT THE TIME YOU WERE NOT ABLE TO GIVE IT, oR TALK OR ANYTHING, GG: permission for what? AT: tO COMMUNE WITH YOUR LUSUS, GG: with bec? GG: uh.... GG: what do you mean by commune? GG: and GG: what do you mean the first time! GG: you did it before? AT: yEAH, AT: iT MEANS TO TALK TO HIM, aND, sUGGEST HE DO SOMETHING WHICH IS GOOD, AT: fOR HIM, aND ALSO FOR PEOPLE HE LIKES, GG: ohhh GG: like a psychic power?? AT: yES, GG: pretty sweet! GG: when did you do it before? AT: oH, vERY RECENTLY, pERSONALLY SPEAKING,

This is so sad because had Tavros not decided that that was the moment he’d be “a confident hero,” he really could’ve stopped Bec from jumping in the kernel. Just needed to know the spot on the trollian line. I’m assuming he doesn’t go to the end of Jade’s line and see what consequences Bec’s prototype has (or he doesn’t understand/make the connection when he sees it). Even when Vriska finally tells him, his first instinct is to fight her, not to think, “Oh, hey, I controlled that guy once. Let me not reveal my cards and go try to fuck with her that way.”

In my head there are some timelines where he gets ahead of Vriska. Maybe dead god tier him, who we see later and who I have an elaborate backstory for, got in touch with Aradiabot at some point, who told him what happens with the kids’ Noir, and he decides he’s going to be the hero. All of these instances are probably doomed, but yeah.

AT: sO, i DID THE LIBERTY OF COMMUNING WITH YOUR LUSUS, AT: wHICH i HOPE WASN'T OUT OF LINE, AT: bUT LIKE i SAID, yOU WERE UNAVAILABLE, AT: uHHH, AT: bY WHICH i MEAN, uNAVAILABLY SMALL,

AT: aND ALSO, AT: aS A WONDERFUL BONUS AND COINCIDENCE, AT: iT HAPPENED THERE WAS A FELON ON YOUR PROPERTY,

Also. Bec is the one who chooses the transport location. (Actually it’s not super clear to me that he chooses. Sometimes he seems to redirect things randomly. Where did he drop the stuff in the foyer? Did he toss it nowhere in particular on purpose?) Tavros may’ve been communing with him, but did he then gain the power to direct Bec’s transportation powers? Huge if true. If not though, Bec specifically directed it at Grandpa, for timeline maintenance?

Tavros neither confirms nor denies that he can control Bec to that extent.

GG: i just wish... GG: maybe you'd told me what happened when i was younger? GG: i spent years wondering about it! GG: when i was REALLY young, i was sure the doll sitting across from him did it GG: and for a long time i was terrified of the evil blue girl!!! GG: she sort of haunted my childhood and i had trouble sleeping for a long time GG: but of course i got older and realized that was silly, but then i just speculated that maybe it was suicide GG: which was just a really sad thing to think about!!!

AT: tHIS IS LIKELY TO BE EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING NOT TO STAND IN THE WAY ABOUT GOOD FEELINGS ABOUT MYSELF, GG: ....... AT: i MEAN, i SAW THAT YOUR LUSUS SAVED YOU ANYWAY, iN ADVANCE, AT: aND, AT: i JUST WANTED, AT: tO MAKE IT POSSIBLE SO THAT i WAS THE ONE INVOLVED WITH BEING THE HERO THERE, AT: tO SAVE YOU, AT: lIKE, tO PUT MYSELF IN YOUR STORY, iN A BRAVE CAPACITY, bECAUSE, AT: tHAT'S WHAT FEELING GOOD AND POSITIVE ABOUT YOURSELF IS ALL ABOUT,

Fleas. Concept surrounding narcissistic personality disorder, “sleep with dogs long enough you’ll get fleas.” This goes for abusive relationships in general though. Dads hit wives, wives then hit kids. Tavros is 100% responsible for using some random person to come up on his motivation. Vriska’s been doing this to him for months, if not longer. So it goes.

GG: i aaaalso think... GG: and really this is just polite friendly advice! GG: that if youre really confident you dont always have to say it all the time GG: it... GG: oh man im sorry to say GG: it just comes of as a little insecure and off putting and kind of defeats the purpose! GG: and all things considered i think we should just stay friends GG: or really........ GG: continue building a friendship in the first place, since like i said we dont actually know each other that well! AT: yEAH, AT: uUUUUUUHHH, GG: sorry :C AT: nO, nO, iF i'M BEING REALISTIC i THINK THAT'S WHAT'S REASONABLE TO SAY TO ME, AT: aND i'LL WORK ON TONING DOWN MY SELF RESPECT A LITTLE, GG: aaaah no! you should have self respect GG: just... GG: oh boy this is frustrating GG: can we talk about this later?

Also sad that Tavros conflates confidence with self respect

AT: i WANTED TO GET APPROVAL FROM YOU, tO COMMUNE HIM AGAIN, AT: nOW THAT HE'S A SPRITE, AT: tO PERPETRATE ONE OF MY HEROIC IDEAS AGAIN, GG: uh-ohhh GG: what is your idea this time? AT: i WILL SUGGEST TO HIM THAT HE ATTACK YOUR ADVERSARY, AT: aS WELL AS OURS, AT: aND MAYBE BEAT HIM, tO SOLVE EVERYBODY'S PROBLEMS,

And again it’s like, Tavros could’ve just gone ahead and done it without asking, that would’ve been “the right thing to do” in terms of “fixing the game.” If you think about fixing it as righting it linearly, or making sure it ends well. Were he enough like Vriska yet, less of a “good guy,” he probably would’ve.

And then on cue, Vriska shows up

AG: Tavros, you give confidence a 8ad name. I gave you all the chances in the world to earn it, to earn REAL confidence, and you failed. AG: You couldn't even do the one little thing I asked you to! The one thing that would have made you man up once and for all. AG: So instead you flew away and cried, and decided to sleep away your sorrow for the rest of the adventure. AG: Do you have any idea how sick that made me? Everything a8out you makes me sick.

Moving the goalposts

AT: i DON'T WANT YOU TO MOCK ME ANYMORE, AT: i DON'T KNOW IF MY CONFIDENCE IS REAL, oR WHAT, AT: bUT i WOULD LIKE YOU TO STOP SAYING STUFF LIKE THAT TO ME, AT: aND TO STOP SAYING BAD THINGS ABOUT MY FRIEND JADE, tOO,

Minutes later, he’s already admitting that he’s still unsure. (And that that’s okay. Realizing that he just gave a jackass explanation to Jade. That confidence, his or Vriska’s, has nothing to do with why she insults him. That what Vriska’s doing is affecting how he treats others)

AT: aLL OF YOUR USUAL INSULTING THINGS ASIDE, mY TAKE ON THIS IS, AT: tHAT YOU CREATED OUR IMPOSSIBLY HARD BAD GUY, wHO WANTS TO KILL US, AT: aND BY ASSOCIATION, i GUESS THAT MAKES, AT: yOU THE BAD GUY TOO, AT: iNSTEAD OF A GOOD GUY WHO'S JUST MEAN,

AG: Nice deduction! AG: Wrong, excruci8tingly linear, and laced with the sort of a8solutes morons like to throw around........ AG: 8ut nice!

I mean, she’s not wrong, besides that only morons throw around absolutes.

One of my favorite things about Tavros’ story is that he does accept her treatment for so long, and I’ll explain what I mean by that. In domestic violence training, the most important we learned was not to tell the victim to leave. That she’s most likely going to go back, multiple times. You can’t express frustration with her choices, with her voluntary walk down the plank, because everyone else is probably already doing that. You can give her the resources to make another choice when she’s ready.

This sort of returning happens in real life. This work of fiction wasn’t kind enough to show us a Tavros who stands up for himself (at least not until he dies, and even then not until page 6000 something. We’re on page 2173.) Tavros does realize her error eventually, and turns his (after)life around, but we have to watch the kid struggle before we get there, some of which is comedic relief, most of which is secondhand embarrassment inducing. He’s a good sport about it and has a good attitude (for the most part, he gets sassy when he wants to lol), but it doesn’t matter. Until you completely separate yourself from your abuser, believing it’s going to get better even though nothing changes only results in stagnation.

I normally enjoy Vriska as a villain in the same way I enjoy Gamzee – you know she’s outlandish and cruel, but her motivation behind that is necessary to the plot (winning as fast as she can, standing out as the strongest; her actions set off chain reactions that have to happen).

This reread, I still love her for being an example of a female character that’s allowed to be rough and impulsive, strong and a leader. But I’m less sympathetic than usual. Probably because I was miffed by the reveal in Pesterquest, that along with making him the wheelchair, apparently Vriska makes a key to his hive and lets herself in whenever she wants. That’s fucking horrific lol

Their arc has always been a dividing point in the fandom - how much sympathy does Vriska deserve for her treatment of Tavros given her upbringing? how much is Tavros complicit? - and it’s still throwing me around, even all these years later.

Which means it’s written really, really accurately.

I actually like the idea of them having a platonic relationship at the end of Act 6. From Tavros’ POV it’s strictly a working relationship, but he views all working relationships with some base level of friendliness (this is shown of him when he gathers the Ghost Army). Vriska has simply grown tired of going out of her way to get in his way, still teases him, but lets him work and do his own thing.

Of course we never really get anything like resolution for them, because Tavros is more of a joke character than a serious one. But it would’ve been nice to see the conversation they have after Vriska dies lead to an actual change in their dynamic. An equal one.

However, it is true to life that pathological abusers never really change.

[hoodwinkedtoohoodvsevil]

sappy "i've loved my spesh for a year now" post

[[MORE]]

one year ago today, i got into twrp.

that's not to say i wasnt familiar with them before june 3rd, 2019. my big love was nsp, so i very much knew and appreciated them! i remember when nsp played on conan i was so happy for all of them and hoped twrp was getting just as much credit as nsp because they totally deserve it! i remember listening to guardians of the zone a couple years back in david's car and latching onto rock n roll best friends (my first favorite twrp song and still one of my faves!) and listening to that a lot. i remember the third starbomb album coming out last april and thinking, wow, this is definitely their best album musically because of twrp's instrumentation! and of course, like everyone else, i was obsessed with starlight brigade when the video came out, and recognized it was twrp's song featuring dan, not just a dan project. but i didn't have their names memorized, and for whatever reason, i thought they were all silent performers? like, i thought none of them talked and sung only talked/performed with talkbox. (i mean, i was like 60% right? at least at the time.)

on this day last year, i was showing my best friend arin and suzy's (gg) hot pepper gaming videos and then i noticed twrp's in the related videos. i was like oh my gosh! i didn't know twrp did one of these! and you can imagine my surprise when sung and meouch started talking fhfhdjdlfj i was literally like WAIT THEY TALK??? I REALLY THOUGHT NONE OF THEM TALKED. it's always really funny to look back on. and even though they spent most of that video suffering i thought they were so funny and likeable that i was like. maybe i should finally actually get into twrp.

and holy shit.

there's so much to twrp that i know i didn't do it all in a day. it's hard for me to get used to a band by listening to all their music once, so i took it album by album. i started with guardians of the zone, because i was already very familiar with it. listened to that on loop for a while, then moved onto together through time since it was their most recent album at the time. then, i went backwards from there.

i searched for all the lore i could. i read wiki pages, spent literal hours reading reddit AMAs, watched every video on their youtube channel and the hour long compilation of their instagram videos. this all took place over the span of like? a few days? a week? it's hard to say really. i fell so fast.

from that point on, i have so many stories, we would be here all day. i remember listening to believe in your dreams on repeat the day i became a d*sney trainer, and the literal day after that, they released hidden potential. then of course, the release of return to wherever, which i listened to nonstop for ages. the album is my jam because i love albums with a cohesive theme and songs that blend into each other. it's hard to beat together through time, but rtw comes really close.

i saw them for the first time live on july 30th, 2019. unfortunately, something happened that night that changed my life for the worse. but that wasn't twrp's fault at all. the show itself was incredible. i'd never been to a general admission concert of one of my faves, it was absolutely surreal that they were all right in front of me. and of course, they put on a hell of a show. they always do. god, i love them.

on august 9th 2019, i went to my first sung stream. it was a party stream and i'm on the east coast, so i stayed up until 3 AM to hear sung give me my first talkbox shoutout. i recorded it and still have the video. it made me smile in the early part of a very dark time in my life.

i made a lot of friends in that stream, we all shared twitters and i'm still friends/mutuals with all of them! and i've only made more friends since, especially at nsp10. nsp10 was incredible for many reasons, but a big one was that the three hours my fiancé and i were waiting outside the venue to be let in, we were just walking around saying hi to my twrp friends, meeting a bunch of them for the first time. and i made new friends! i remember standing in a group, shivering in my heart boner cosplay, and one of the guys saying "you're artie, right? i follow you on twitter, i love your cosplay!" he seemed like he was really gathering the courage to say it to me, he had no idea how happy it would make me! (shoutout to logan! you're awesome!)

really, if any of my twrp friends are reading this, i love you to pieces. meeting you has definitely been a high point of the last 365 days.

again, i have so many stories. but since this is already so long i'm just gonna cut to march 5th, 2020. that was the night i met them. now, i'm not a shy person at all, and over the past few years i haven't really been very socially anxious. i'm able to carry myself in conversation, even with strangers. but i've never met a fave before. let alone four faves at once. so, naturally, everything i had planned on saying completely left my brain. but they're literally the best, so it was still an absolute dream. the first thing sung said when he saw me was "hey you look great!" (my outfit was clearly inspired by his own, fancy orange hat and all, so he probs wanted to Respect The Drip but he was right regardless and also HOLY SHIT) and i had my baby porg gary with me (the sunshine of my life) and they all interacted with him and it was super wholesome.

they played two nights in orlando, and i went to both shows because of course i did. first night was great, second night was even better even though that was my GA show. they played life party on night 2, which might as well be my favorite song of all time. it has carried me through every bad moment since i first heard it. big and small. i have a lyric from it tattoo'd on my arm as a constant reminder that i'm alive, and that is something to be ecstatic about. i also had more room to dance and move around on night 2, and dance and move around i did. then, when the show was over and scatman played, i got out everything else i had. august-november 2019 was actual hell for me, and i was still dealing with the aftermath of it all. but that concert high made me realize, holy shit! all of it is over! it doesn't matter anymore! twrp carried me through one of the roughest periods of my life, and met me at the finish line with a fucking gold medal. i fucking did it. now i have none of the bad, and all of the good. it was one of the best feelings i've ever had, and one of the happiest nights of my life.

since then, twrp continues to keep me going. of course the world has been a total shitshow, but everyone's streams (especially the twrp show) have been the highlight of my week every week.

i've always considered myself a very positive person, but last year was a very bad year for my depression, as well as traumatic at times. and i've always had problems feeling understood. i still do. but twrp said hey! literally nobody understands us. not even ourselves! but that's okay! we want you to be happy and feel loved and supported no matter what. and i really can't thank them enough for it.

this part is mostly for another longer post, but i wanted to mention it since it's also really important. i fully came to terms with being a mlm last year after years of compulsory heterosexuality, and twrp played a big part in me exploring and accepting that about myself. and i was already very secure in my gender identity when i found them, but hearing "this song goes out to all the ladies, fellas, and everyone in between" shook me to my very core. i've never loved a band that literally said "shoutout to trans/nb people" at every concert. god. i love them so fucking much.

so this was even longer than i expected (and i expected it to be long bc yknow. spesh.) but i just have so much love and gratitude for this band. every day of my life i'm so thankful that doctor sung, commander meouch, lord phobos, and havve hogan exist and are spreading all this love and positivity to their fans every day. i've never loved a band like this, and i probably never will. they are truly special.

and it's only been a year!!!!

[another-weather-story]

A Summer Breeze Through Winter: Act 1

Chapter 2: Neighbourhood

Gean

Miracles had to be real, because how else would you explain this? It was almost pure luck that he moved into the house just across the street.

I had prayed one day I’d see Otoro again, and I guess my prayers were heard.

I heard news around the block that someone or some people would be moving in the house. The details weren’t clear and there was definitely some controversy about the situation.

At first it was owned by a sweet old man who would always pick fresh vegetables from his garden to share with the street residents. When he was too old to live on his own, one of his grandchildren apparently moved him to a retirement home. Ever since then no one had lived across the street. Every one missed him and his tomatoes. I never knew him very well and didn’t really care to.

My little sis Rachel kept making up stories about it being haunted and that was the real reason the old man left. But that isn’t as important. What is is that he was the one who moved in.

I saw a car pull up to the structure one day, maybe a week after the news. It was silver and shined brightly in the afternoon sunlight. At the time I was in my room on the top floor. I had been waiting there for a few days to see when the family would arrive.

A man stepped out first. I stared at him, excited. Who was he? How did he look? Unconsciously, I began studying him.

He had short borderline white hair that stuck to his head. He was medium toned and short, just taller than the window.

I was captivated in the moment. I don’t know why, but I had just then realized that was the family.

I opened my window and let the summer breeze in and closed my blinds slightly. I didn’t want to seem so obviously staring at them.

The man yelled something in a foreign language at the inside of his car, probably to another person.

It became apparent there was indeed someone else in there.

This was the first time I saw Otoro. My heart jumped in my chest. I clutched my chest as a warm heat filled up my body, and a lump formed in my throat.

It was like he was a new person. When I found him last year after I got lost he had long, brown hair that was held together in a fragile side ponytail by a weak hair tie. Now his hair was down and only reached his shoulders. It curled at the end and bounced whenever he walked. Before, he had bangs that would cover his eyes. Now you could clearly see his light blue irises, glowing no matter the time of day.

I had to catch my breath as to not make any sound. I needed to be silent so I could hear everything.

My heart jumped when I heard him speak in the same foreign language as who I could only assume his dad was. It slipped off his tongue so perfectly, I was jealous and in awe.

They exchanged a few words as they studied the house, backs facing me.

The dad then opened the trunk of the car. Mounds of boxes and luggage sat inside. The boxes were labeled in what looked like Chinese.

If that was indeed Chinese, then Otoro knew how to speak Chinese. The lump in my throat grew bigger at this thought.

A half an hour passed and another car drove up. This one was a solid white colour, with more volume than the other.

Out stepped a woman who looked nothing like the dad. Probably the mother. She had solid brown hair with greying roots, a pale skin tone, and antique-looking glasses.

After her came another girl. She looked about Otoro’s age, very young, and bitchy. A resting bitch face and constantly crossed arms signified she was a troublemaker. She looked more like the father with shoulder long black hair and fair skin. That must have been Otoro’s sister he always talked about. I forgot her name, but it most definitely started with an A.

Otoro was the tallest. The sister came in a close second place, then the mother and father. I studied them and their posture, making a hypothesis about each family member as they made their way around the plot.

A only spoke English. Whenever anyone else talked, A would always jump in and mention how she couldn’t understand them. Otoro would need to translate most everything as the parents would persist in talking in Chinese. I could only assume she didn’t know Chinese because she didn’t care enough to.

The mom was optimistic. She wore a constant smile, even when Otoro and A would be tearing each other's heads off.

The father seemed too tired to healthily function. He would seem to fall unconscious for periods of time and when he would start yelling at A or Otoro his voice appeared to trail off.

I didn’t need to study Otoro, but still I did. He didn’t change at all. He was ever so childish, happy, and teasing. His upbeat personality always lifted everyone’s spirits. Even if he was loud and everyone else got easily annoyed by it, I loved it.

I watched everyday as he and his family worked. Eventually I learned they were speaking Japanese and not Chinese. Also that A’s name was Akasai. And she was indeed a cunt.

One day I was looking at Otoro through his window. He was relaxing on his bed, his back facing me. Everything was calm and for once no one was screaming. I was resting my gaze on his reflection in the big mirror set up on his opposing wall. He looked so beautiful, even in a low quality resolution.

It caught me off guard when he suddenly turned and looked directly at me. It took me a second to realize, but once I did, I panicked. When I closed my blinds I almost ripped them and nearly fell off the barstool I had set up by the window. I collected myself and sat on the ground underneath the windowsill, biting my nails.

‘He saw me. Holy shit.’ My heart was pounding and my mind began playing the entire scene on repeat. It kept speeding up each time.

Finally, after a while I stood up. The sun had gone down. For a while I stood in the middle of my room, then made my way to my bed.

I needed sleep.

Rachel barged into my room suddenly.

“GG!”

I jumped and bumped my head on my bed frame. “Ah! Rara-”

“Wanna go say hi to the neighbours? Mommy said we could go and see them now!”

She had startled me awake so quickly I lost any grip on reality. “God, what time is it?”

“3 pm. You missed breakfast and lunch.”

I had slept in, damn. It was already noon.

“Yeah, yeah, sure. Just get out of my room so I can change.”

“Yay! I’ll do the same, I want to make a good first impression. Don’t take long, too.” She whispered, “Mommy’s gonna beat your ass if you do.”

I waved her off. “Okay. Now leave.”

She skipped away, beaming.

It took a minute for me to sit up, but just a few seconds to remember what happened yesterday. My face heated up quickly. My heart sped up again.

‘No, wait. Don’t think about that. Just change and if he asks, explain everything.’ I thought to myself.

I rushed to get ready. A solid t-shirt, jeans, shoes. That was all. I snatched a small handful of cereal from a box and shoved it down my throat so I wasn’t starving. I didn’t have time to grab my phone, but then again I didn’t really need it.

Before I knew it, I was standing with my mom and Rachel on their front doorstep, anxious and nervous. I was bouncing and chewing my knuckles. Mom rang the doorbell and waited calmly.

Otoro’s mother opened the door.

In English, she greeted us. “Hi!”

My mom waved politely. “Hi there! We’re your neighbours and wanted to say hi.”

She nodded and grinned brighter than before. “You must be from across the street. I saw you mowing your lawn the other day.” Her hand stuck out. “My name’s Katherine, but you can just call me Kathy.”

My mom took Kathy’s hand and shook. “My name’s Irene. These are my kids, Gean and Rachel.”

Rachel waved and grinned “Hi!”

Kathy took her hand back as my mom did. “Wait, did you say Gean?” At the same time she greeted Rara.

My head perked up.

“Yeah, what about him?”

“I think my son may know him. Has he ever gone missing?”

“Uhm… yeah, he has. Why, exactly?”

“I knew the name sounded familiar. My son’s name is Otoro, Gean may know him.” Cathy paused. “Ah! How rude of me! Please, come in!”

“No, it’s alright!” My mom laughed and stepped in. Rachel followed.

The mothers continued talking. Rachel turned and grabbed my hand.

“Are you coming or what?”

I jumped. “Yeah, I am.” I stuttered, not realizing I was still outside.

Then I saw him.

My heart pounded again.

All I could wave as he stood dumbfounded on the steps.

It took him a minute to come down.

He began talking after Kathy said we were neighbours.

“Uh, hi? My name’s Otoro. Nice to meet you. What’s your name?”

I stopped biting my knuckle and fiddled with my shirt. “Er- Gean. We’ve met before.”

“We have?” He thought for a second. “Oh! Izmael?”

“Yeah…”

“We have! God, it’s been so long! I’m so sorry I forgot!” He seemed less awkward now and much happier.

“It’s all right.”

We talked for a while there in the foyer, catching up little by little.

“Hey,” Kathy jumped in. “Otoro, why don’t you go show Gean your room and hang out while I talk with Irene?”

“Sure! C’mon, Izzy. Let’s go, I’ll show you my room.”

I nodded and followed him upstairs.

I didn’t leave his side since that day.

[evangelxion]

my shitt y life

okey ya know it’s time throw some shit here bc i feel bad actually no one care here so why noti i need to take some things off my chest . 

aND actually i don’t care about my very bad english.

there are some things that haunt me since some time, or im just stupid human being, probably the second one. i just can’t take my shit and start to ?? doing somethin? it feels like crap when you sitting all day and do nothing by 10 days or even longer xd but actually when it’s school time it worse bc i'm more stressed than usually.

probably i will not pass this year so gg to me bc im anxious lazy bitch and nothing will force me to start doing something even my shitty boyfriend who only likes to “loveee” me yeah .

what the actual fuck im doing with my life ? 

i don’t have a person.. who can help me, even if someone is trying im not feeling okay with and i don’t like throwing my shit to others i’m feeling so bad when im doing this 

i was feeling happy a little bit with some things but they passed and now im here with nothing making me happy anymore . sooo where is the point of everything?

[cheonjaem-blog]

boyfriend! kim jaehwan

how kim jaehwan, the waiter, would confess

so you really really like this restaurant on the corner of this street

like it’s your go-to restaurant and you go there all the time

the food is a1 and super authentic,, definitely a 5 star review on yelp

but you like going at night time since there’s less people and of course since you go there so often, the wait staff and the owner recognize you

and the owner really likes you and tries to get you to work there, and low key sets you up with jaehwan :)

she’s basically like your aunt

and jaehwan is always your server,, like every single time you show up he’s always waiting for you

sometimes when there’s no other customers, he comes and eats with you

he started talking to you when you laughed at one of his jokes one day

bc nobody laughs at his dumb jokes lmao he’s stupid

jaehwan said something on the lines of “why is a circle so hot? bc it’s 360 degrees”

wow you’ve never wanted to shoot someone so badly, but you ended up laughing instead bc math jokes are fucking gr9

and shitty jokes are always the start of an amazing and idiotic friendship

jaehwan slowly started falling for you each time you swung by to grab a late dinner,,, like how can someone look so good in sweats and an old stüssy jacket??

you make beauty look effortless in his eyes and wow he even loves how gorgeous you look when you show up to the restaurant in pajamas

story time: jaehwan once spilled water over the front of your shirt one time, and he kept apologizing over and over but you just laughed and joked “i guess you made me wet ;)”

and that’s when he knew you were the one

lmao jk

but for real who tf would hire clumsy jaehwan as a waiter wth

good thing he’s not the chef bc my boy tries to cook without the fire wow so genius

work makes you really stressed and you tell him about your crappy day and he actually listens to your problems and offers his advice aw

but seeing jaehwan at the end of the day really makes things a lot better

sometimes you ask him to sing for you and wow

he truly has god’s voice oml 

his voice is so sweet and calming and makes you forget about your stresses,, it’s like honey 

the first time you heard him sing was when you were eating and you heard him mumbling the lyrics of seventeen’s boomboom under his breath as he cleaned tables

and wow even his half-hearted singing sounded like heaven

you fall for his voice and how caring he was since he would sometimes walk you to the subway station and give you his jackets when he noticed you shivering

yeah jaehwan really likes it when you wear his clothes

at this point y’all are already pretty much dating but jaehwan’s kind of confused bc you’re sending mixed signals 

like you hella flirt with him but you might just be a friendly person??

so one day he asks you out to dinner to determine your true nature

and you’re just like “wow is jaehwannie asking me out on a date?” bc teasing him is so fun lol

and he light weight is but he’s tryna play it off and go “no wth i’m too pretty for you hoe”

woW offensive,,,, we are hands thrown

so you just try to piss him off even more and say “bitch i don’t need you i already have a sugar daddy fuck off”

it’s all jokes to you but jaehwan is internally screaming like wtf do you have a side piece??

so after dinner jaehwan actually can’t take it anymore and when he’s walking you to the subway station, he’s like “what am i to you?”

and that question really gets you thinking bc what actually are you guys??

and you’re so flustered by how straight up this boy is and you can’t formulate an answer

so you end up spluttering some gibberish and jaehwan just laughs awkwardly and says “forget it” and bids his farewells

you end up texting him at night after thinking about jaehwan and thinking of a good reply to him for like 3 hours nice

“you’re someone i love, that’s what you are to me”

and jaehwan is all smiles and an actual blushing mess when he reads that and comes in the next day with his guitar, prepared to serenade you as if you didn’t love him enough already

he even prepared a confession song and everything which he totally didn’t have planned two months ago

you’re so fucking embarrassed that you don’t even go to the restaurant the next day and curl up in your blankets the whole day and bash your head into the wall repeatedly bc you’re so stupid and cringe-worthy yikes

and he didn’t even reply after your flat out confession, and all these thoughts go through your mind like what if he hates you?? 

this boy left you on read,, the disrespecT

but that’s only bc he wanted to tell you his feelings in real life bc he couldn’t find the words to properly convey his love for you awe

yeah you didn’t know that so you’re kind of angry at his dumb ass for not even replying,,, 

jaehwan knows something is wrong when you don’t come grab dinner at the restaurant, and he’s really disappointed and anxious bc what if that confession was a joke too?? like he knows you love teasing him so what if it was a rouse to make him embarrassed?? ;;

at this point, this poor boy is doubting everything, and you’re at home singing single ladies at the top of your lungs bc boys ain’t shit tbh

don’t worry bc hunger will get the best of you and you’ll end up going to the restaurant anyway

and your petty ass will dress up hella even though it’s 12am to show this bitch what he’s missing out on

when jaehwan sees you walk through the door while he’s cleaning up and ready to close, his jaw drops bc damn you look stunning??

and he already had your favorite meal prepared before hand since he was waiting for you all night scute

you walk straight up to him and glare at him 

“why tf did you leave me on read you dumb hoe”

and jaehwan’s at a loss for words bc he was waiting for you to say you loved him or some shit haha beT

“i’m sorry i wanted to tell you how i love you in person”

he starts singing crush’s beautiful and holY

wow you just melt and maybe start crying a lil bc it’s fucking beautiful

“just say you’re mine god you’re sO ruDE”

is what you scream to him in tears as you cry into his shoulder

jaehwan laughs and even his laugh is music to your ears and it makes you cry even harder

the owner of the restaurant was secretly recording this whole time and fangirling since she was shipping you guys since last year 

yeah that’s the start of a dysfunctional beautiful relationship

boyfriend jaehwan is 100% sweet and 200% stupid lmao

jaehwan’s psycho laugh is the best thing in the fucking world don’t @ me, we all know it’s true

90% of the reason why you love his dumb ass

his laugh is the only reason why you laugh at his stupid puns

sings for you!!!

raspy singing at midnight to help you fall asleep

writes song lyrics thinking about you,, most of his songs are written for you or written thinking about you :’)

owns an instagram and 99% of his posts are those cute aesthetic couple pics of you two

selca king wow

knows all the right angles and lighting holy 

karoake dates!!

yes karoake dates at 2am are a thing,

you love watching jaehwan sing his heart out and your heart flutters when he hits those high notes 

nothing makes you smile more when you see your bby so passionate and happy doing something he loves

threatened his nasty ass that you wouldn’t cuddle or kiss him until he took a shower, washed his hands, and cleaned tf up 

sO exTra

thought he was getting murdered once but it turns out he was trying to sing i will always love you

actually an embarrassment wth

when you go put on dates with him, he’s always trying to act super cool like he’s not wearing the same jeans from the 10th grade and 2 inch insoles 

tried to perform seventeen’s boomboom in front of you to make you laugh and you use that video as blackmail now 

what a scammer,,

god of exaggeration

“yes i’m 239 cm tall come fite me”

“i can do kung fu watch me babe”

“i’m a rap god, call me kanye east”

“i’m the dance king, exo got nothing on me”

“if i were in a kpop group, i’d be the main everything”

yeah, you’re having serious regrets about this relationship

but he tries so hard to be a good, caring boyfriend and things just don’t work out lmao

he tried to buy you roses once, but accidentally bought purple cabbage gg

tried to buy you a new album but got finessed by an unauthorized amazon seller

and of course, who can forget the time when he tried cooking without turning on the stove??

“lmao jaehwan i thought you worked at a restaurant”

it’s okay bc it’s v cute and it shows he cares about you 

cooks you burnt pasta and rice sometimes but

“it’s okay babe you tried”

never let this precious idiot go! 

12/10 need to marry now

[lifewithoutmeds]

october 16th

much has changed.

i don’t actually know where the last i was.  i didn’t re-read my last entry.  but i know in general i was losing my mind and mooning over this LA character.  as i’m learning through my Attachment book, i am anxious attached and she is avoidant attached and that makes us so intrinsically incompatible.  everything i did was to get to know her better, to draw her nearer, and i really needed a lot of reassurance that she wasn’t going to leave me etc. but she prized individualism and wanted to focus on her studies etc., and so she drew away and i freaked out and i freaked her out and now it has been one full week and she hasn’t and will likely never text me again and that is that.

it made me pretty crazy for a while.  all i could do was think of her and quasi social-media stalk her to see what she was liking, what she was following, calculating when she’d get home, in what window of time she was most likely to text me, at which window it was likely she wouldn’t, and my hopes would undulate like some fucking rocky ass ocean as i waited and pined and hoped beyond hope.

go out! gg said.  meet other people, widen your dating pool, meet more people in your community! he said.  so i looked at my phone, found a bowling meet up of like minded individuals at the bowling alley two miles away that was happening THAT NIGHT (friday) and said, OK!  i will go!

and so i showered, did my hair and make up, rsvp’d with the knowledge that i was on the waiting list and would just hang out at the bar and say hello to people as they got their drinks and would just mingle as much as i saw fit.

but of course i fucked it up.  I ALWAYS FUCK IT UP.

i drank a whiskey and a half before i ubered my way over, and it started out fine enough.  i chatted with people, got bumped up the waitlist and ended up bowling a game or two, ordered a pitcher or two of beer, and then somewhere along the line i apparently got wasted and was either ‘comatose’ or like harassing the DJ who i had apparently “fallen in love with.”  GEEZ!

i went outside to see if i could smoke and someone handed me something that was not quite a cigarette but like a skinny skinny clove that i think had some weed in it and shortly thereafter i blacked out.  one of the gals drove me home and i somehow stumbled in and made a ramen before passing out, and woke up five hours later even though i was supposed to get up two hours later to head to fresno UGH.

although good thing i didn’t because i was likely still rather messed up.

so yhea, quite embarrassing.  the whole blacking out, being comatose, talking up the gorgeous Lana-Del-Rey lookalike DJ who was very likely straight, and even making some random 12:41 call to someone i do not know, and just. UGH just being a fucking wreck.

i’m pretty embarrassed of my behavior and kind of ashamed of like the person i am and i also think that i have to very seriously consider the possibility that i may have a drinking problem.  that i drink to self placate, to self medicate, that i drink beyond comprehension, that i drink without knowing i’ve drunk too much, that i drink to the point of blacking out and doing things that i would not likely have done knowingly.  these are concerning items.  also it’s likely doing some sort of damage on my poor liver that i actually don’t want to think about.

i feel bad that i may have alienated certain potential friends in the meet up.  and i feel bad that i called and had no idea i called someone for 41 seconds and when that person called back i had no idea what they were talking about and when i figured it was the group leader i texted apologetically but got no response.  i’m sorry that i said whatever i said to her because i’m a crazy person who’s been insanely repressed for way too long and she was pretty but she was pining over some girl who didn’t love her and i hated her for loving someone who didn’t love her and i hope to GOD i did not tell her that.

and i feel bad for being all up in the DJ’s face and i must’ve asked her a million questions because i know so much about her.  i know where she lives (the city, not the address), i know where she’s from, that she was married, that she goes to school at SMC that she’s taking pre-med classes, that she DJ’s at the gdale bowling alley but also at Matador bowling alley by CSUN.  oh fuck what did i say to her what kind of a monster am i SHIT SHIT SHIT.  not that i’ve blown my chances with her because there were no chances and i was just this random drunk ass bitch who wast just in her face all night long and fuck it i can’t believe i was THAT GIRL.  SHIT.

so i feel fucking bad, i don’t know what bridges i’ve burned, and though SK whose number i apparently got and didn’t alienate enough for her to not invite me out for a movie the next day, said that they’d all been there and sort of understood what i was going through which was reassuring but damn it did my unraveling have to be so damn public and so damn ... basic.

i feel bad and i know i should feed bad and i deserve to feel a certain level of badness and i should feel the full weight of the consequences of my actions and i should just know to stop being such a shitty person and learn from my mistakes but i hate that my mistakes involve other people but i also have to realize that my life and my impact is likely not as big as i’m making it out to be and i was just a sort of annoying drunk girl at the bar and it isn’t the end of the world.  and i guess i have the rest of my life to sort of be a decent human being, if i can do that.

but one thing i’m going to do is stop drinking for a month.  until november 16th i’m going to not drink.  no beer, whiskey, wine, etc.  just club soda and mineral water.  i need to see how bad my problem is because i’ve been drinking like a fiend lately and i’ve been drinking as a crutch and i gotta stop it because this crutch goes swinging madly and becomes a fucking liability.

i need to get better.  i will be better.

[sh-lan]

OMFG LAST QUARTER EVER + some spring break stuff???

Took a weekend off of life Retail therapy at its finest today Even though new jeans were overdue

It’s crazy how it still came I guess it’s a force of nature But omg it’s gonna be here on the concert T^T

This nerd would have mitsuha’s theme on his playlist smh #nochu

April 2nd, 2017 BTS Wings Tour I still can’t believe it happened I’ve been awake since 8am lol and it’s like 1:54am and i’m still trying to process and remember everything that happened today It felt like a dream! I can’t believe I saw them in real life. ohmygod Hands down, easily one of the best day of this week - if not this entire year so far holy shit will continue this tomorrow as i reminisce ok but one thing i noticed is that jungkook’s thighs are actually so real like wtf? shookt EDIT: lol i never finished this but oh well

oop i just bought more rings goodbye money

my charger broke gg time to get another one

I have a newfound appreciation for the color pink or more like my appreciation for pink is coming back

When you get anxious because bts hasnt posted on twitter for 3 days but then you also know they’re resting and that they deserve this break

SPRING QUARTER LEGGO tu/th schedule let’s hope this all works well keke

week 1 recap tuesday - sees everybody in freaking AB LOL sees harry after walking out of my tdpw sees alana and dylan outside my global health class which alana is also taking, and becca and tanya lOL goes to cogs 122 to find chen screaming my name - also vania and stella <3 last class is normal - with nobody in management BUT LOL LEIGHTON ADDED THE CLASS ON THURSDAY HAHA there’s also this girl in my tdpw class who looks like lindsay lohan and her name is also lindsey but with an e cause i saw it on the email lol not a stalker

Decided to gel nails it out friday of week 1 whut whut

First attempt at 양념치킨~

been using the soundtrack of your name this past week to get over pcd it’s been a week and i still haven’t recovered T^T

went to kbbq with harry! lol week 1 sunday started at manna….having an adventure in between at manna keke “started here and ending it here?” LOL

currently craving anything strawberry

don’t understand why i need to have my email as a send&receive in order to sms to work on my laptop bb why are you being stubborn when you’ve been working fine all this time

under yuri’s recommendation, i microwaved my coffee because it was lukewarm and she called me extra LOL

i’m getting nervous about a presentation when i shouldn’t be because ?? my AB service leader self is like completely gone i wanna crawl into a hole

i just finished season 2 and 3 of htgawm in less than a week… how they gonna do season 4 i wonder

Week 2 thursday I was actually really looking forward to class today Also my rings came! Though were they worth the $50….not so sure Were they cute? Yes But not as cute as the other one T^T So i mustnt give in to temptations nowww

I found out what matcha powder mom uses to make their matcha latte Cappuccine frappe mix But it’s sadly not on amazon ):

This new tumblr function is really inconvenient cause i cant tell how many thing i have on queue brcause i have to keep switching blogs -_-

Han came to visit! Friday Papa johns Saturday Snooze brunch Infinitea Abeh hangout In n out Sunday Aquarium! Koon thai Ramen yamadaya Boba bar and then i drove him to irvine where we got coco curry! and then i drove back and he bought me milk tea with pudding

Had an epiphany It’s not anenome It’s anemone

Omg but like why dont people call spoiler alerts “spoilerts”

Started 13 reasons why with Han Finished it, tuesday week 3 Hmmm How to feel

finished strong woman park hyung sik is so…adorable? IT’S SO WEIRD. HIS AEGYO LEVEL IS INSANE

When you realize that 둘! 셋! is probably the title of the fan song because that’s what BTS always say when they introduce themselves And that BTS + ARMY forever ㅠㅠㅠㅠ I’m not crying r u crying ;___;

어떻게

Omg when you wake up for reorientation and jungkook does lives <3

highkey need to crawl into a hole tbh

You know what i want to do? Go to an olive garden Even though i know it’ll taste bad lol

Not really sure what i want… But i dont want my 4 years to be a waste ):

i….skipped out on an interview today was it the right choice i may never know

most recent ep of snk got me fucked up SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT YMIR AND CHRISTA’S RELATIONSHIP IS WHO IS CHRISTA

Lol i hella bombed my quiz GOODBYE GONNA P/NP HAHA

Week 4 weekend Fuck me in the ass i twisted my ankle and i am in irvine had to pop an advil and cruise control all the way back thank god there weren’t many cars lol 0/10 do not recommend

Slept on the couch the past two days to elevate my ankle Glad to be back in bed But i think i might be a little…sick? Fuck Need to grocery shop

Dammit i got called for jury duty

Ok but i twisted my ankle and two recruiters emailed me back the next day so was it really a loss

Week 5 i’m sick…

just watched 5 centimeters per second a little sadder than i was an hour ago

fuck i forgot that my jeans are new and i washed it and my pink shirt is ruined fml triggered

thursday after rolling over ma ankle i can finally see that it is a lil swollen and there is bruising LOL also saw an owl at school today and a bunny while leaving to go to meeting

week 5 tuesday saw two bunnies on my way out to school

I just saw two hummingbirds! 😍

I cant believe yuri and i finished twenty SMH

ABCD today Some qualitee photos were taken Im tired now

Really debating the 4th term

third day of back pain flexibility dying wow what is happening???

…..army 4th term is $75 cries EDIT: it’s $66 because i forgot exchange rate but still cri EDIT EDIT: it’s $45 if i ship it to taiwan - seriously really highkey considering that now oh dear

bro i think i just experienced katawaredoki whut

i keep thinking that my ankle is ok but i always end up doing something that ends up hurting it like hella im

Week 6 thursday last leadership meeting one of my favorite meetings because whoa INFORMATION!? it was nice wanted to discuss and add in my two cents but i honestly just wasn’t able to wrap my head around everything loool then…we decided to go to PB LOL chen, jeong, yuri, justin and his friends (including nicole, nicole, sandy) and then more people. we also met leslie, brett, dexter, allison, kenny, peter, abby, ben…and more? at pb lolol and also we saw miguel and anthony - it was like a freshman year flashback tbh lOL went to vallartas after and then came home to shower and finally sleep at 3:30am wot is life NEXT DAY ADVENTURES - leighton and i finally pulled out the weeds and now we’re tired

salty that i wasnt invited to the birthday celebration, not that i would really make the trip per say but wtf gurl

I just had this really sad thought that i’m probably never gonna ever get to know bts like friends y i do dis to meself

Wait so like i got sick while at clew’s and it didnt happen until week 5 and so i was sick from week 5 through week 6 and at this one point i couldnt taste my food it was terribad

May 12th I bought the membership LOL Hopefully it mails it correctly back to Taiwan ☺️

im dumb i didn’t save the color i wanted for my hair

omg the song vania recommended to me a few days ago was recommended by jungkook like a year or so ago on twitter lOOOOL

Just tryna level up here :<

Struggles when places are in the east coast and phone calls are early in the fckin morning

Note to self: Ridge cut potato chips with sea salt is good for stuff with dip Ridge cut salt and pepper is good for regular eating, but gets salty at the bottom LOL EDIT: per vania’s suggestion, i salted and peppered my chips

watching jungkook’s vlive AND HE JUST HARMONIZED WITH HIMSELF IM DED

Just woke up from a dream where someone hurt my brother/nade him fall and i was so angry? Was about to go ape shit on that person im ded lol who is rhis angry me

Rewatched and finished reply 1997 Wow what is life when yoon jae is life But also what is life when your idols are life Daily reminder to not be as obsessed as shiwon LOLOL

i can’t go to giraffage and elephante anymore im on the otherhand i get to go to virginia???

lol but like i haven’t been writing drafts because i often write in my notebook now but here are some updates - my nails are constantly chipping - forgot about grad photos that clashed with the weekend han is coming - im ded because i probs won’t have a weekend to myself until week 10 - struggles to figure out graduation things - paid my $54 to walk #mostexpensivewalkever

LAST LEADERSHIP MEETING (turnover) what am i going to do with my thursday nights now? it’s been a good run

Jealous of the staff that holds and records the camera during vlives? LOL who am i

When you forget that jeon jungkook did taekwondo before Hnnnngh

i just reaffirmed? or discovered? that i don’t like fruity pebbles o_o

Trying to think of a thing to put on my grad cap Tis hard Let’s make a list: 花樣年華 Strong power thank you You never walk alone Ireumeun deborah LOL Lol omg but why is yoongi’s “cheater never win but i just graduated” quote so appropriate for grad EXTRA + ORDINARY* Lost my way/found my way* Click clack to the bang Smile with me, cry with me, fly with me (you make me begin, you made me again) Ctrl+c, ctrl+v do you know “____” (hci? annyeonghasaeyo) To lose your path, Is the way to find that path* 꽃길만 걷자* Let’s fly with our beautiful wings in 2017 EDIT: i’m too lazy, i didn’t do anything to my cap lOL

Im shookt cause namjoon doesnt say 이제 feelin the vibe. HE SAYS IF YOU FEELIN THE VIBE. I feel…betrayed

Non whitewashed bangtan gives me life

May 21st My first haircut since… Since i got it cut over the summer?????

Bought me stole and tassel today Smh that i cant grab my muir tickets?? Cause i ordered all commencwment tickets SMH

Lowkey afraid of not passing mgt LOL

Omfg i knew we were going to have a pop quiz. It really happened

nicole and evelyn commented that they liked my hair and audrey and malia agreed i gotta say i’m so glad people remember me in my tdpw class LOOL

Cant get the seventeen song outta my head Shookt by the choreography

Y'all im so fckin shookt First the chainsmokers post on twitter like “see you in the summer” Then they win the BBMAs like a boss Then you see them on halsey + steve aoki’s snapchat Next things you know steve aoki is postin shit like “BTS x AOKI COMING SOON” Im SCREAMING

Yo my lyft driver dropped some knowledge again and told me his life story lmao he was a police officer in chicago and he was forced to retired and then ?? after chasing down a rapist and getting into a fight, he was seriously injured. but his dad (a judge or someone powerful idk) forced him out of retirement by telling everyone to not give him his benefits and shit and i was like. whoa bro. slow down? “embrace the unknown”

I finally tried the coconut black tie at peet’s 10/10 a mistake

Okay but can we talk about how on point everybody looked in the comeback Esp wonwoo and dk But also vernon 👌🏼

First time in virginia/ being so close to washington dc! Whoa Also gonna pass by texas too :O Knocking some states off my list

I WITNESSED MY FIRST CIRCLE RAINBOW THINGY ON THE PLANE FROM VIRGINIA TO DALLAS TODAY HOLY IT WAS V COOL

i don’t know why i never realized this about myself before but i need to be/live by a body of water at all times or i won’t feel comfortable this is weird

i told han i joined the fanclub and he like died for like 2 seconds lOL

ok but like i bought a carton of eggs and 6 or 7 of them were double yolks and i have 2 more eggs left im starting to think i’m eating some weird hybrid chickens EDIT: those last two eggs were both double yolks. this was a wild adventure

omg i knew that the TA MOST LIKELY RYAN WOULDNT UNDERSTAND OUR IDEA JUST LIKE HOW HE ALWAYS MISINTERPRETS THEM??? like what kind of constructive feedback is that if he doesn’t understand what we’re trying to do im… sigh

Already excited about the festa But like omfg they released the schedule today And just WE DONT TALK ANYMORE PT 2?? SO FAR AWAY FEATURING JIN AND JUNGKOOK? Im IM SCREAMING also sad but the radio show is right before my finals gotta prioritize, no bts fo me ;__;

after waiting two weeks, my application to get leveled up was rejected *cries* time to try again! *^*

okay but really feeling seventeen’s song as well as suran’s song like hIGHKEY

i finally got my commencement tickets the third time that i went to the bookstore third time’s the charm right? also whytf is the parking pass for all campus commencement so huge -_-

hnngh omg that feel when you have hella shit to do TPDW1 final play due week 9 friday because we won’t have class at all on week 10 then there’s the presentation (elevator pitch) that happened today week 9 thursday but also just hauling ass on things for A5 tbh what is this what is everything wot is the meaning of life when vania and i stay up till 3:30am lol… and then there’s me. tired af but didn’t sleep til 4:30 anyways cause i’m a dumbass l e l let’s not be a potato this last week k?

burger king in pc has its own free wifi called WhopperWifi and it’s so much faster than school wifi this is revolutionary

week 9 weekend to irvine irritated on the way over irritated on the way back lol wot is life i should’ve just turned around to go back home

NO TDPW1 WEEK 10 WOOT wow that means i won’t have class until 2pm whoa

“why are you reading math formulas” - yuri i was actually reading bts profiles lOLOL she just dissed their handwritings

Just spent the past hour or so looking at kakao friends merchandise And discovering that apeach is a genetically modified peach lol

that moment when you ask for a png file but get a jpg

dyed my hurr twice today for a darker shade still not what i was going for but this will do for now

Omfg i slept through my alarm until 1pm Goodbye study time?? Also omg i like it pt 2 video SHIT SHIT SHIT THEY KNOW WE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS. HAD IT SINCE BAEPSAE DAYS. BUT DIDNT RELEASE IT. Freakin bighit

My request to level up on the fancafe has once again been rejected ); EDIT: oMFG IT’S BECAUSE I DIDN’T CHANGE THE SETTING TO SOMETHING im screaming, what a first world problem THIRD TIME’S THE CHARM AMIRITE

Doesnt feel like it… But thursday was my last time going to class…pretty much like ever unless i go to more school Holy shit

Oh man I didnt think i’d have THAT much shit. But…i think i have A LOT of shit….

saw bts MBIT and i was like omfg! knew that i was INFJ but took the test again yesterday and ended up INFP….but just barely P so i think i’ll stick with INFJ lol EDIT: i took the test again today because vania and yuri were talking about it again and i am still INFP…and more P this time. SO LOST. WHO AM I

put my things up for sale i forgot that i might need my light el oh el crying on the inside cause i want to keep my desk but then i’m selling it off because i don’t think i’ll have space for it and i just CRYING ON THE INSIDE BECAUSE IT’S BEEN WITH ME FOR SO LONG T^T

ON ANOTHER NOTE. THIRD TIME IS THE CHARM LEVELED UP ON JUNE 12TH AT ONE SOMETHING AM

JUNE 12TH FINISHED MY FIRST AND LAST FINAL I AM OFFICIALLY DONE WITH MY UNDERGRADUATE CAREER??? also lmao i spent 45 min on the final wot

i dyed my hair darker but now it’s become lighter? wait wtf wait no go back EDIT: wait no it went back to being dark? is this a thing? when i get exposed to the sun it gets lighter and when i sleep it gets darker??? smh at light for fckin with me

so i set an alarm to watch the bts home party last night for like 3:57am and i didn’t hear it but i guess i kinda did cause i woke up at 4:05am and was like ??? i decided to watch a bit of it but ended up streaming the whole thing until 5:45am looooool also watched the numbers grow from the 500,000 all the way to 2,000,000 and then 3,000,000? it was nuts

omfg all these years of rereading chapters and only now do i realize that i could save bookmarks on mangahere *slaps forehead*

Moment of silence cause i sold my desk that’s accompanied me for almost 10 years It even has battlescars (aka X marks by Jacky, 3 of them) LOL memories ;___; Oh and i guess my chair too

lol was gonna sell that yamaha guitar for $45 but it’s going for like $190 on ebay?? so ima just bring it home

finals week hangout list: tuesday: fud with kimberly, peyton, harry wednesday: more fud with stephanie and ellius thursday: KBBQ FOR LUNCH with jeong, justin, yuri, harry LOOOOL

and so...that’s the end of the quarter. my last quarter of school ever (unless i decide to go to more school...which seems unlikely as of right now) it feels weird.................................. but! onto graduation~ looking forward to being reunited with family and whatever’s gonna hit me in the face LOL

and with that goodbye undergrad, hello world ㅇㅅㅇ

[razorblade-eyes]

GGS Spotlight: Julie Barnum

Name: Julie Barnum Age: 24 Location: Fort Collins, CO

How did you find out about Girls Gone Strong? I was looking up some fitness-related question one day, and came upon the GGS website. I saw a place to subscribe for emails, which I did. I honestly forgot about it save for the occasional article until after a trip back home over Memorial Day. I remember feeling so out of control with my eating and feeling terrible because after about two years of super consistent working out in undergrad, anxiety that skyrocketed after graduation had stopped me from really getting anywhere with working out in graduate school. That’s about when I got an email from GGS about the Strongest You Coaching program, and it was like someone had read my mind and was sending me solution to my problems.

What does being a Girl Gone Strong mean to you? It means feeling confident and more sure of myself again. It means learning compassion and forgiveness towards myself when things don’t go as planned, with working out, with life, whatever. It means finding a group in which I can confide, and even to discover others who struggle after being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder to push through it to be able to work out and live life under new conditions.

Being a Girl Gone Strong means finding the inner badass within once more, and realizing I’ve had the strength all along inside of me to get past whatever challenges I’m facing as I grow up and learn how to “adult.”

(HA, still figuring that out daily)

What do you do? I am a graduate student at Colorado State University in the Department of Atmospheric Science. My work is related to weather radar and numerical modeling. There’s this weather model people at NASA Goddard are developing that basically simulates the same kinds of things a real radar can do. The idea is that we’ll be able to implement that in real-time and predict what types of precipitation will be where in a storm as it develops (think hail, heavy rain, stuff that the public cares about). There are some other facets to my research, but I’ll save you the long explanation. If you’re curious, hit me up for more information.

What else do you do? A bit of anything and everything. I run. I lift. I rock climb and boulder. I do yoga. I dance around like a fool when no one’s watching. I forecast weather situations for back where I’m from in Missouri and here in Colorado. I snowshoe. I ski, when time and money permit. I hike, both lower and high altitude (I’ve made it up three 14-ers in Colorado: Bierstadt, Grays, and Torreys). Note, 14-ers are mountains with a height between 14,000 and 15,000 feet. I’m also really into travelling when I can. I did a year abroad between high school and undergrad in southern France. I try to speak French whenever I can, because if you don’t use it, you lose it. When the weather is looking right, and my advisor is okay with me taking time off research, I storm chase (don’t know many other jobs where you can just go on a whim and do this). I’ve participated in two different meteorological field campaigns (PECAN and C3LOUD-EX) chasing specific storm types to collect data. I’m kind of a jack of all trades.

How did you get introduced to strength training, and how long have you been training? I remember doing a little bit of lifting for summertime P.E. classes in high school. Then I essentially didn’t touch weights again until my Junior year in undergrad. That mainly arose because I started dating my current significant other, who lifts religiously. It started out as something we could do together, and then when he moved for graduate school it turned into a more personal activity because I enjoyed the progress I was seeing.

It was a bit weird to work out alone at first, but it became liberating to not be afraid to enter “bro-central” all on my own.

Favorite Lift: This is hard to narrow down to one. But, for lifting iron, it’d probably be deadlifts. All the deadlifts. As for body weight lifts….push-ups, as well as what is quickly becoming one of my favorites: chin-ups and pull-ups. My confidence in lifting and in my ability to do what I put my mind to has grown exponentially from where it was pre-GSS and Strongest You, so I know I’ll get there. It’ll just take a bit, which is something I’ve come to terms with during Strongest You. Some things take a bit, and that’s okay and expected. Plus, it’s so much more rewarding when you finally get something you’ve been working at for soooooooo long.

Top 3 things you must have with you at the gym or in your gym bag: Phone (my source of music), headphones, water bottle.

Do you prefer to train alone or with others? Why? If I’m lifting/doing HIIT/cardio at the gym, I’m almost exclusively alone. I get into this very cathartic zone. Training is where I work on myself and on pushing my boundaries (physically and mentally, since working out can still sometimes bring up unpleasant anxious feelings). So to be with someone else when I’m doing that feels almost like a violation to my true “me” time. Occasionally I’ll lift with my boyfriend and friends. Incidentally, one of my Strongest Your workouts totally crushed three different guys… that felt super satisfying, not gonna lie. However, I do work out with others when it comes to other activities. Most of my working out with others is in the form of weekly rock climbing and bouldering sessions or hiking. Those are pretty much the only two things I do with others, because I find those activities more fun that way.

Best compliment you’ve received lately: Work-related, I was told by people working with me on research related to my Master’s project at NASA Goddard that they really liked some plots I had put together for a presentation; they said that the plots were of conference presentation/poster quality, which was a huge compliment. Workout-related, I have had someone at the gym comment on how good my deadlift form was. That felt awesome because I’ve been so neurotic about good form. On my Instagram I had a friend comment on a pull-up video “#welcometothegunshow! #badassery #woah”, which I though both hilarious and super nice at the same time.

Most recent compliment you gave someone else: I think the most recent compliment I gave was to someone’s deadlift PR. I told her that it looked awesome, and that I was super happy to see her actively setting her shoulders back, engaging them in the exercise. I try to throw out a few compliments a day to different women. I realized a bit ago that I tend to look at other women, particularly those who work out, as competition. If they do well, then I get jealous. I thought about it after a mindset assignment we did in Strongest You, and realized that that wasn’t the right way to go about it. I’m more at peace with myself now; I know I’m working hard on what I want to improve, and I’m doing me, as close to 100 percent as I can, every day That’s good enough for me. So now instead of letting myself turn to jealousy, I try to pour out support and encouragement instead.

I know that it makes me feel good when people cheer me on, so I try to be a cheerleader to others as well.

Favorite way to treat yourself: Sometimes, it’s a cookie. A really, deliciously, warm, soft cookie. I have a sort of obsession with delicious desserts. Sometimes I buy them, but I think it’s more fun to look up a recipe and make something tailored to my tastes. However, other times I like to not make food the focus of a reward. In those cases, I treat myself to a nice haircut, or a book I’ve been thinking about getting, a piece of clothing I’ve been desiring but have told myself I didn’t really “need” (except boots…everyone needs a ton of pairs of amazingly cute boots). Sometimes, I reward myself with exercise. I dance around the house, I go on a hike with friends, I rock climb when maybe my to-do list is still a bit long, but I’ve gotten a lot done. Gotta stay sane, you know?

Favorite quote: ”Let go of what was, surrender to what is, have faith in what will be”. That’s gotten me through a lot of darker moments.

Three words that best describe you: Driven. Outgoing. Unabashed.

Favorite book: Depends on my mood, but two books that have really stuck with me throughout time are Pride and Prejudice and 1984. A dichotomy of book tastes if I’ve ever seen one.

What inspires and motivates you? At the core, my desire to live life, and not just exist. This became especially prevalent the summer after graduating undergrad and suddenly having all this anxiety, and a few panic attacks and bad insomnia, hit. It left me feeling pretty broken and scared to do much of anything. About a year of that and I really decided to start saying screw it to that. I was still, and sometimes still am, stuck on how I used to feel better, and what if I had only done this differently, would it all be better, what if what if what if. What if I stopped “what if-ing” and created a new normal? That was really liberating for me. From then on, I decided to purposefully engage in activities that at times scare the living shit out of me. Then I know I’m truly doing something that’s going to make me grow and be stronger than I was before. Every opportunity to do that is a terrifying, but welcomed challenge. That’s how I got back into the gym, that’s how I’ve been able to be in crowded public places at night again, that’s how I got myself to summit three 14-ers in Colorado and that’s how I’m slowly regaining a sense of what it is to be me.

As for motivation for life or working out, I love watching inspirational YouTube videos (Prince Ea is great) or scrolling through Instagram. I follow a lot of other strong, powerful ladies (in more ways than just physical). To see other people pushing themselves and achieving, as well as pushing through hard times and failures, is so motivating to me. Other than that, I can’t not listen to music when working out/working on a project. At the moment, I’m on a Strange Music, Inc. kick. What can I say, I’m from Missouri.

Describe a typical day in your life, from waking up to bedtime: My typical weekday: Either I wake up and gym, then try to read some introspective-type book (can I get some heck yeah’s for Mark Manson’s the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F?) while eating breakfast, or I read then go to work (going to the gym after work in that case). Lately, when I’m done with all of that I come home and read up on training and anatomy. Other than weather, I’m very passionate about helping others be a better, healthier version of themselves. Somehow after defending my thesis, I want that to be worked into my life. After this, I eat dinner, generally while talking to the boyfriend and our roommate. Sometimes after work I’ll watch an episode of a favorite pastime show (anyone else still Friends or Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans? Yeah?). Sometimes instead of T.V. or hanging out with the others, I do a little yoga or meditation before bed. Every day I try to make it a little different. Keeps life interesting in the smaller moments.

When did you join Strongest You Coaching? Why did you decide to join and what helped you make the decision to join? I joined in 2016 for the group starting at the beginning of June with Jen Comas as our trainer. I think I’ve mentioned this already, but, I basically was feeling pretty unhappy with where I was physically, mentally, and emotionally after the first year of graduate school. I saw the email for Strongest You after a trip home, and thought, this is it. This is what I need to get back on track. For about two hours or so after the email, I read up on the program and agonized over the money. However, I realized that being a bit poorer than usual during graduate school, and becoming happier with myself as a person, was a way better alternative than having a bit more money and being unhappy.

What has been your biggest challenge in the Strongest You Coaching program? Myself. Mainly, anxiety, or other weird bodily-function fears, usually rooted in maybe a bit of something legit, but mostly me over-examining everything. I’ve been working very hard on letting that go. Jen and the other women in the group have been quite helpful in throwing encouragement and understanding my way whenever I have a rough day and divulge that information to them. I think my other biggest issues is trying to stick to mostly single-ingredient carbs. I mean…come on. Burritos on the daily would be my dream, but not necessarily the dreams of my digestive system. Sadness abounds.

What has been your biggest success in the Strongest You Coaching program? To me personally, making working through my various fears a conscious effort in some way, every day. I think I’ve come a long way from where I started in June. That, and hitting a 175-pound deadlift. Holllllaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

What do you like best about the Strongest You Coaching community? The inclusivity and willingness of many of the women in it to be 100 percent upfront and real about their successes, their failures, and their struggles. I’ve never met such an authentic group of women, and it’s so awesome. It made me feel more open to letting people in on my own successes and struggles.

What was your “BIG” goal that you wanted to achieve by the end of Strongest You Coaching? My final goal was to let the other women in the group and Jen know how much this process has meant to me. There have been ups and downs, but I’m a better person having known them all. Additionally, I plan to continue following all of the healthy eating habits, and mindset shifts we worked on during Strongest You. I am still working towards my Resolution Revolution goal for 2017 of a 200-pound deadlift and squat. That, and figuring out effective programming now on my own to get myself there. Jen has been giving us a lot of advice, and I creep pretty hard on other GSS women’s workouts (no shame). Between all that, I’m sure I’ll succeed in that goal.

What is the habit you’re currently working on most? If you mean dietary-wise, single-ingredient carbs. Gosh, I love burritos so much. As for a lifestyle habit? I think getting more daily movement in has been a challenge that I’m trying hard to work on. Also, I’m working on slowing down a bit. Breathing more throughout the day, taking more moments to just sit and be present. It’s so easy for me to let my brain go into overdrive, but it’s not beneficial to me to do that. It’s a hard habit to break, but I’m working on it.

How has Strongest You Coaching changed your life? I’ve touched on this a bit throughout my responses. The most obvious way it has helped me is in the consistency with which I work out now. That, however, stemmed from the fact that I’ve become much more confident in myself and am willing to push myself harder than I would’ve before. That’s really been instrumental in all my physical and emotional success. That could not have happened without Strongest You and the women in the group.

What would you tell a woman who’s nervous about joining Strongest You Coaching? If it’s the money, I get it. I’m a graduate student on a graduate student salary. It wasn’t always easy, but the benefits I’ve reaped from doing the program far outweigh any extra adventures I turned down because of money. If it’s because you’re nervous about what it entails, I’ll tell you the big secret —

Strongest You is all about learning to trust yourself.

It’s about learning to trust yourself in eating healthfully without being told exactly what to eat and when (because handing out meal plans is not how GGS rolls). It’s about having training that you are capable of doing, but which will still make you work for your gains, and it’s about thinking about how you think about fitness, others, and yourself. It’s a lot more introspection work than might be apparent. It’s much more than what you’ll find if you just get a few training sessions with a personal trainer at a gym. It’s worth every bit of anxiety I had before starting. You’ll be a better person for having gone through the program, I guarantee it. Let it be known though, it’s very much so a program that you get out of it what you put into it. So be prepared to go all in. Don’t hold back, it’ll only slow your progress and rob you of interactions that could seriously be eye-opening and crucial to your success!

Click to Register Learn more about Strongest You Coaching

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[corneliussteinbeck]

GGS Spotlight: Julie Barnum

Name: Julie Barnum Age: 24 Location: Fort Collins, CO

How did you find out about Girls Gone Strong? I was looking up some fitness-related question one day, and came upon the GGS website. I saw a place to subscribe for emails, which I did. I honestly forgot about it save for the occasional article until after a trip back home over Memorial Day. I remember feeling so out of control with my eating and feeling terrible because after about two years of super consistent working out in undergrad, anxiety that skyrocketed after graduation had stopped me from really getting anywhere with working out in graduate school. That’s about when I got an email from GGS about the Strongest You Coaching program, and it was like someone had read my mind and was sending me solution to my problems.

What does being a Girl Gone Strong mean to you? It means feeling confident and more sure of myself again. It means learning compassion and forgiveness towards myself when things don’t go as planned, with working out, with life, whatever. It means finding a group in which I can confide, and even to discover others who struggle after being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder to push through it to be able to work out and live life under new conditions.

Being a Girl Gone Strong means finding the inner badass within once more, and realizing I’ve had the strength all along inside of me to get past whatever challenges I’m facing as I grow up and learn how to “adult.”

(HA, still figuring that out daily)

What do you do? I am a graduate student at Colorado State University in the Department of Atmospheric Science. My work is related to weather radar and numerical modeling. There’s this weather model people at NASA Goddard are developing that basically simulates the same kinds of things a real radar can do. The idea is that we’ll be able to implement that in real-time and predict what types of precipitation will be where in a storm as it develops (think hail, heavy rain, stuff that the public cares about). There are some other facets to my research, but I’ll save you the long explanation. If you’re curious, hit me up for more information.

What else do you do? A bit of anything and everything. I run. I lift. I rock climb and boulder. I do yoga. I dance around like a fool when no one’s watching. I forecast weather situations for back where I’m from in Missouri and here in Colorado. I snowshoe. I ski, when time and money permit. I hike, both lower and high altitude (I’ve made it up three 14-ers in Colorado: Bierstadt, Grays, and Torreys). Note, 14-ers are mountains with a height between 14,000 and 15,000 feet. I’m also really into travelling when I can. I did a year abroad between high school and undergrad in southern France. I try to speak French whenever I can, because if you don’t use it, you lose it. When the weather is looking right, and my advisor is okay with me taking time off research, I storm chase (don’t know many other jobs where you can just go on a whim and do this). I’ve participated in two different meteorological field campaigns (PECAN and C3LOUD-EX) chasing specific storm types to collect data. I’m kind of a jack of all trades.

How did you get introduced to strength training, and how long have you been training? I remember doing a little bit of lifting for summertime P.E. classes in high school. Then I essentially didn’t touch weights again until my Junior year in undergrad. That mainly arose because I started dating my current significant other, who lifts religiously. It started out as something we could do together, and then when he moved for graduate school it turned into a more personal activity because I enjoyed the progress I was seeing.

It was a bit weird to work out alone at first, but it became liberating to not be afraid to enter “bro-central” all on my own.

Favorite Lift: This is hard to narrow down to one. But, for lifting iron, it’d probably be deadlifts. All the deadlifts. As for body weight lifts….push-ups, as well as what is quickly becoming one of my favorites: chin-ups and pull-ups. My confidence in lifting and in my ability to do what I put my mind to has grown exponentially from where it was pre-GSS and Strongest You, so I know I’ll get there. It’ll just take a bit, which is something I’ve come to terms with during Strongest You. Some things take a bit, and that’s okay and expected. Plus, it’s so much more rewarding when you finally get something you’ve been working at for soooooooo long.

Top 3 things you must have with you at the gym or in your gym bag: Phone (my source of music), headphones, water bottle.

Do you prefer to train alone or with others? Why? If I’m lifting/doing HIIT/cardio at the gym, I’m almost exclusively alone. I get into this very cathartic zone. Training is where I work on myself and on pushing my boundaries (physically and mentally, since working out can still sometimes bring up unpleasant anxious feelings). So to be with someone else when I’m doing that feels almost like a violation to my true “me” time. Occasionally I’ll lift with my boyfriend and friends. Incidentally, one of my Strongest Your workouts totally crushed three different guys… that felt super satisfying, not gonna lie. However, I do work out with others when it comes to other activities. Most of my working out with others is in the form of weekly rock climbing and bouldering sessions or hiking. Those are pretty much the only two things I do with others, because I find those activities more fun that way.

Best compliment you’ve received lately: Work-related, I was told by people working with me on research related to my Master’s project at NASA Goddard that they really liked some plots I had put together for a presentation; they said that the plots were of conference presentation/poster quality, which was a huge compliment. Workout-related, I have had someone at the gym comment on how good my deadlift form was. That felt awesome because I’ve been so neurotic about good form. On my Instagram I had a friend comment on a pull-up video “#welcometothegunshow! #badassery #woah”, which I though both hilarious and super nice at the same time.

Most recent compliment you gave someone else: I think the most recent compliment I gave was to someone’s deadlift PR. I told her that it looked awesome, and that I was super happy to see her actively setting her shoulders back, engaging them in the exercise. I try to throw out a few compliments a day to different women. I realized a bit ago that I tend to look at other women, particularly those who work out, as competition. If they do well, then I get jealous. I thought about it after a mindset assignment we did in Strongest You, and realized that that wasn’t the right way to go about it. I’m more at peace with myself now; I know I’m working hard on what I want to improve, and I’m doing me, as close to 100 percent as I can, every day That’s good enough for me. So now instead of letting myself turn to jealousy, I try to pour out support and encouragement instead.

I know that it makes me feel good when people cheer me on, so I try to be a cheerleader to others as well.

Favorite way to treat yourself: Sometimes, it’s a cookie. A really, deliciously, warm, soft cookie. I have a sort of obsession with delicious desserts. Sometimes I buy them, but I think it’s more fun to look up a recipe and make something tailored to my tastes. However, other times I like to not make food the focus of a reward. In those cases, I treat myself to a nice haircut, or a book I’ve been thinking about getting, a piece of clothing I’ve been desiring but have told myself I didn’t really “need” (except boots…everyone needs a ton of pairs of amazingly cute boots). Sometimes, I reward myself with exercise. I dance around the house, I go on a hike with friends, I rock climb when maybe my to-do list is still a bit long, but I’ve gotten a lot done. Gotta stay sane, you know?

Favorite quote: ”Let go of what was, surrender to what is, have faith in what will be”. That’s gotten me through a lot of darker moments.

Three words that best describe you: Driven. Outgoing. Unabashed.

Favorite book: Depends on my mood, but two books that have really stuck with me throughout time are Pride and Prejudice and 1984. A dichotomy of book tastes if I’ve ever seen one.

What inspires and motivates you? At the core, my desire to live life, and not just exist. This became especially prevalent the summer after graduating undergrad and suddenly having all this anxiety, and a few panic attacks and bad insomnia, hit. It left me feeling pretty broken and scared to do much of anything. About a year of that and I really decided to start saying screw it to that. I was still, and sometimes still am, stuck on how I used to feel better, and what if I had only done this differently, would it all be better, what if what if what if. What if I stopped “what if-ing” and created a new normal? That was really liberating for me. From then on, I decided to purposefully engage in activities that at times scare the living shit out of me. Then I know I’m truly doing something that’s going to make me grow and be stronger than I was before. Every opportunity to do that is a terrifying, but welcomed challenge. That’s how I got back into the gym, that’s how I’ve been able to be in crowded public places at night again, that’s how I got myself to summit three 14-ers in Colorado and that’s how I’m slowly regaining a sense of what it is to be me.

As for motivation for life or working out, I love watching inspirational YouTube videos (Prince Ea is great) or scrolling through Instagram. I follow a lot of other strong, powerful ladies (in more ways than just physical). To see other people pushing themselves and achieving, as well as pushing through hard times and failures, is so motivating to me. Other than that, I can’t not listen to music when working out/working on a project. At the moment, I’m on a Strange Music, Inc. kick. What can I say, I’m from Missouri.

Describe a typical day in your life, from waking up to bedtime: My typical weekday: Either I wake up and gym, then try to read some introspective-type book (can I get some heck yeah’s for Mark Manson’s the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F?) while eating breakfast, or I read then go to work (going to the gym after work in that case). Lately, when I’m done with all of that I come home and read up on training and anatomy. Other than weather, I’m very passionate about helping others be a better, healthier version of themselves. Somehow after defending my thesis, I want that to be worked into my life. After this, I eat dinner, generally while talking to the boyfriend and our roommate. Sometimes after work I’ll watch an episode of a favorite pastime show (anyone else still Friends or Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans? Yeah?). Sometimes instead of T.V. or hanging out with the others, I do a little yoga or meditation before bed. Every day I try to make it a little different. Keeps life interesting in the smaller moments.

When did you join Strongest You Coaching? Why did you decide to join and what helped you make the decision to join? I joined in 2016 for the group starting at the beginning of June with Jen Comas as our trainer. I think I’ve mentioned this already, but, I basically was feeling pretty unhappy with where I was physically, mentally, and emotionally after the first year of graduate school. I saw the email for Strongest You after a trip home, and thought, this is it. This is what I need to get back on track. For about two hours or so after the email, I read up on the program and agonized over the money. However, I realized that being a bit poorer than usual during graduate school, and becoming happier with myself as a person, was a way better alternative than having a bit more money and being unhappy.

What has been your biggest challenge in the Strongest You Coaching program? Myself. Mainly, anxiety, or other weird bodily-function fears, usually rooted in maybe a bit of something legit, but mostly me over-examining everything. I’ve been working very hard on letting that go. Jen and the other women in the group have been quite helpful in throwing encouragement and understanding my way whenever I have a rough day and divulge that information to them. I think my other biggest issues is trying to stick to mostly single-ingredient carbs. I mean…come on. Burritos on the daily would be my dream, but not necessarily the dreams of my digestive system. Sadness abounds.

What has been your biggest success in the Strongest You Coaching program? To me personally, making working through my various fears a conscious effort in some way, every day. I think I’ve come a long way from where I started in June. That, and hitting a 175-pound deadlift. Holllllaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

What do you like best about the Strongest You Coaching community? The inclusivity and willingness of many of the women in it to be 100 percent upfront and real about their successes, their failures, and their struggles. I’ve never met such an authentic group of women, and it’s so awesome. It made me feel more open to letting people in on my own successes and struggles.

What was your “BIG” goal that you wanted to achieve by the end of Strongest You Coaching? My final goal was to let the other women in the group and Jen know how much this process has meant to me. There have been ups and downs, but I’m a better person having known them all. Additionally, I plan to continue following all of the healthy eating habits, and mindset shifts we worked on during Strongest You. I am still working towards my Resolution Revolution goal for 2017 of a 200-pound deadlift and squat. That, and figuring out effective programming now on my own to get myself there. Jen has been giving us a lot of advice, and I creep pretty hard on other GSS women’s workouts (no shame). Between all that, I’m sure I’ll succeed in that goal.

What is the habit you’re currently working on most? If you mean dietary-wise, single-ingredient carbs. Gosh, I love burritos so much. As for a lifestyle habit? I think getting more daily movement in has been a challenge that I’m trying hard to work on. Also, I’m working on slowing down a bit. Breathing more throughout the day, taking more moments to just sit and be present. It’s so easy for me to let my brain go into overdrive, but it’s not beneficial to me to do that. It’s a hard habit to break, but I’m working on it.

How has Strongest You Coaching changed your life? I’ve touched on this a bit throughout my responses. The most obvious way it has helped me is in the consistency with which I work out now. That, however, stemmed from the fact that I’ve become much more confident in myself and am willing to push myself harder than I would’ve before. That’s really been instrumental in all my physical and emotional success. That could not have happened without Strongest You and the women in the group.

What would you tell a woman who’s nervous about joining Strongest You Coaching? If it’s the money, I get it. I’m a graduate student on a graduate student salary. It wasn’t always easy, but the benefits I’ve reaped from doing the program far outweigh any extra adventures I turned down because of money. If it’s because you’re nervous about what it entails, I’ll tell you the big secret —

Strongest You is all about learning to trust yourself.

It’s about learning to trust yourself in eating healthfully without being told exactly what to eat and when (because handing out meal plans is not how GGS rolls). It’s about having training that you are capable of doing, but which will still make you work for your gains, and it’s about thinking about how you think about fitness, others, and yourself. It’s a lot more introspection work than might be apparent. It’s much more than what you’ll find if you just get a few training sessions with a personal trainer at a gym. It’s worth every bit of anxiety I had before starting. You’ll be a better person for having gone through the program, I guarantee it. Let it be known though, it’s very much so a program that you get out of it what you put into it. So be prepared to go all in. Don’t hold back, it’ll only slow your progress and rob you of interactions that could seriously be eye-opening and crucial to your success!

Click to Register Learn more about Strongest You Coaching

The post GGS Spotlight: Julie Barnum appeared first on Girls Gone Strong.

from Blogger http://corneliussteinbeck.blogspot.com/2017/05/ggs-spotlight-julie-barnum.html

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GGS Spotlight: Julie Barnum

New Post has been published on http://www.healthfitness-today.com/ggs-spotlight-julie-barnum/

GGS Spotlight: Julie Barnum

By GGS

Name: Julie Barnum Age: 24 Location: Fort Collins, CO

How did you find out about Girls Gone Strong? I was looking up some fitness-related question one day, and came upon the GGS website. I saw a place to subscribe for emails, which I did. I honestly forgot about it save for the occasional article until after a trip back home over Memorial Day. I remember feeling so out of control with my eating and feeling terrible because after about two years of super consistent working out in undergrad, anxiety that skyrocketed after graduation had stopped me from really getting anywhere with working out in graduate school. That’s about when I got an email from GGS about the Strongest You Coaching program, and it was like someone had read my mind and was sending me solution to my problems.

What does being a Girl Gone Strong mean to you? It means feeling confident and more sure of myself again. It means learning compassion and forgiveness towards myself when things don’t go as planned, with working out, with life, whatever. It means finding a group in which I can confide, and even to discover others who struggle after being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder to push through it to be able to work out and live life under new conditions.

Being a Girl Gone Strong means finding the inner badass within once more, and realizing I’ve had the strength all along inside of me to get past whatever challenges I’m facing as I grow up and learn how to “adult.”

(HA, still figuring that out daily)

What do you do? I am a graduate student at Colorado State University in the Department of Atmospheric Science. My work is related to weather radar and numerical modeling. There’s this weather model people at NASA Goddard are developing that basically simulates the same kinds of things a real radar can do. The idea is that we’ll be able to implement that in real-time and predict what types of precipitation will be where in a storm as it develops (think hail, heavy rain, stuff that the public cares about). There are some other facets to my research, but I’ll save you the long explanation. If you’re curious, hit me up for more information.

What else do you do? A bit of anything and everything. I run. I lift. I rock climb and boulder. I do yoga. I dance around like a fool when no one’s watching. I forecast weather situations for back where I’m from in Missouri and here in Colorado. I snowshoe. I ski, when time and money permit. I hike, both lower and high altitude (I’ve made it up three 14-ers in Colorado: Bierstadt, Grays, and Torreys). Note, 14-ers are mountains with a height between 14,000 and 15,000 feet. I’m also really into travelling when I can. I did a year abroad between high school and undergrad in southern France. I try to speak French whenever I can, because if you don’t use it, you lose it. When the weather is looking right, and my advisor is okay with me taking time off research, I storm chase (don’t know many other jobs where you can just go on a whim and do this). I’ve participated in two different meteorological field campaigns (PECAN and C3LOUD-EX) chasing specific storm types to collect data. I’m kind of a jack of all trades.

How did you get introduced to strength training, and how long have you been training? I remember doing a little bit of lifting for summertime P.E. classes in high school. Then I essentially didn’t touch weights again until my Junior year in undergrad. That mainly arose because I started dating my current significant other, who lifts religiously. It started out as something we could do together, and then when he moved for graduate school it turned into a more personal activity because I enjoyed the progress I was seeing.

It was a bit weird to work out alone at first, but it became liberating to not be afraid to enter “bro-central” all on my own.

Favorite Lift: This is hard to narrow down to one. But, for lifting iron, it’d probably be deadlifts. All the deadlifts. As for body weight lifts….push-ups, as well as what is quickly becoming one of my favorites: chin-ups and pull-ups. My confidence in lifting and in my ability to do what I put my mind to has grown exponentially from where it was pre-GSS and Strongest You, so I know I’ll get there. It’ll just take a bit, which is something I’ve come to terms with during Strongest You. Some things take a bit, and that’s okay and expected. Plus, it’s so much more rewarding when you finally get something you’ve been working at for soooooooo long.

Top 3 things you must have with you at the gym or in your gym bag: Phone (my source of music), headphones, water bottle.

Do you prefer to train alone or with others? Why? If I’m lifting/doing HIIT/cardio at the gym, I’m almost exclusively alone. I get into this very cathartic zone. Training is where I work on myself and on pushing my boundaries (physically and mentally, since working out can still sometimes bring up unpleasant anxious feelings). So to be with someone else when I’m doing that feels almost like a violation to my true “me” time. Occasionally I’ll lift with my boyfriend and friends. Incidentally, one of my Strongest Your workouts totally crushed three different guys… that felt super satisfying, not gonna lie. However, I do work out with others when it comes to other activities. Most of my working out with others is in the form of weekly rock climbing and bouldering sessions or hiking. Those are pretty much the only two things I do with others, because I find those activities more fun that way.

Best compliment you’ve received lately: Work-related, I was told by people working with me on research related to my Master’s project at NASA Goddard that they really liked some plots I had put together for a presentation; they said that the plots were of conference presentation/poster quality, which was a huge compliment. Workout-related, I have had someone at the gym comment on how good my deadlift form was. That felt awesome because I’ve been so neurotic about good form. On my Instagram I had a friend comment on a pull-up video “#welcometothegunshow! #badassery #woah”, which I though both hilarious and super nice at the same time.

Most recent compliment you gave someone else: I think the most recent compliment I gave was to someone’s deadlift PR. I told her that it looked awesome, and that I was super happy to see her actively setting her shoulders back, engaging them in the exercise. I try to throw out a few compliments a day to different women. I realized a bit ago that I tend to look at other women, particularly those who work out, as competition. If they do well, then I get jealous. I thought about it after a mindset assignment we did in Strongest You, and realized that that wasn’t the right way to go about it. I’m more at peace with myself now; I know I’m working hard on what I want to improve, and I’m doing me, as close to 100 percent as I can, every day That’s good enough for me. So now instead of letting myself turn to jealousy, I try to pour out support and encouragement instead.

I know that it makes me feel good when people cheer me on, so I try to be a cheerleader to others as well.

Favorite way to treat yourself: Sometimes, it’s a cookie. A really, deliciously, warm, soft cookie. I have a sort of obsession with delicious desserts. Sometimes I buy them, but I think it’s more fun to look up a recipe and make something tailored to my tastes. However, other times I like to not make food the focus of a reward. In those cases, I treat myself to a nice haircut, or a book I’ve been thinking about getting, a piece of clothing I’ve been desiring but have told myself I didn’t really “need” (except boots…everyone needs a ton of pairs of amazingly cute boots). Sometimes, I reward myself with exercise. I dance around the house, I go on a hike with friends, I rock climb when maybe my to-do list is still a bit long, but I’ve gotten a lot done. Gotta stay sane, you know?

Favorite quote: ”Let go of what was, surrender to what is, have faith in what will be”. That’s gotten me through a lot of darker moments.

Three words that best describe you: Driven. Outgoing. Unabashed.

Favorite book: Depends on my mood, but two books that have really stuck with me throughout time are Pride and Prejudice and 1984. A dichotomy of book tastes if I’ve ever seen one.

What inspires and motivates you? At the core, my desire to live life, and not just exist. This became especially prevalent the summer after graduating undergrad and suddenly having all this anxiety, and a few panic attacks and bad insomnia, hit. It left me feeling pretty broken and scared to do much of anything. About a year of that and I really decided to start saying screw it to that. I was still, and sometimes still am, stuck on how I used to feel better, and what if I had only done this differently, would it all be better, what if what if what if. What if I stopped “what if-ing” and created a new normal? That was really liberating for me. From then on, I decided to purposefully engage in activities that at times scare the living shit out of me. Then I know I’m truly doing something that’s going to make me grow and be stronger than I was before. Every opportunity to do that is a terrifying, but welcomed challenge. That’s how I got back into the gym, that’s how I’ve been able to be in crowded public places at night again, that’s how I got myself to summit three 14-ers in Colorado and that’s how I’m slowly regaining a sense of what it is to be me.

As for motivation for life or working out, I love watching inspirational YouTube videos (Prince Ea is great) or scrolling through Instagram. I follow a lot of other strong, powerful ladies (in more ways than just physical). To see other people pushing themselves and achieving, as well as pushing through hard times and failures, is so motivating to me. Other than that, I can’t not listen to music when working out/working on a project. At the moment, I’m on a Strange Music, Inc. kick. What can I say, I’m from Missouri.

Describe a typical day in your life, from waking up to bedtime: My typical weekday: Either I wake up and gym, then try to read some introspective-type book (can I get some heck yeah‘s for Mark Manson’s the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F?) while eating breakfast, or I read then go to work (going to the gym after work in that case). Lately, when I’m done with all of that I come home and read up on training and anatomy. Other than weather, I’m very passionate about helping others be a better, healthier version of themselves. Somehow after defending my thesis, I want that to be worked into my life. After this, I eat dinner, generally while talking to the boyfriend and our roommate. Sometimes after work I’ll watch an episode of a favorite pastime show (anyone else still Friends or Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans? Yeah?). Sometimes instead of T.V. or hanging out with the others, I do a little yoga or meditation before bed. Every day I try to make it a little different. Keeps life interesting in the smaller moments.

When did you join Strongest You Coaching? Why did you decide to join and what helped you make the decision to join? I joined in 2016 for the group starting at the beginning of June with Jen Comas as our trainer. I think I’ve mentioned this already, but, I basically was feeling pretty unhappy with where I was physically, mentally, and emotionally after the first year of graduate school. I saw the email for Strongest You after a trip home, and thought, this is it. This is what I need to get back on track. For about two hours or so after the email, I read up on the program and agonized over the money. However, I realized that being a bit poorer than usual during graduate school, and becoming happier with myself as a person, was a way better alternative than having a bit more money and being unhappy.

What has been your biggest challenge in the Strongest You Coaching program? Myself. Mainly, anxiety, or other weird bodily-function fears, usually rooted in maybe a bit of something legit, but mostly me over-examining everything. I’ve been working very hard on letting that go. Jen and the other women in the group have been quite helpful in throwing encouragement and understanding my way whenever I have a rough day and divulge that information to them. I think my other biggest issues is trying to stick to mostly single-ingredient carbs. I mean…come on. Burritos on the daily would be my dream, but not necessarily the dreams of my digestive system. Sadness abounds.

What has been your biggest success in the Strongest You Coaching program? To me personally, making working through my various fears a conscious effort in some way, every day. I think I’ve come a long way from where I started in June. That, and hitting a 175-pound deadlift. Holllllaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

What do you like best about the Strongest You Coaching community? The inclusivity and willingness of many of the women in it to be 100 percent upfront and real about their successes, their failures, and their struggles. I’ve never met such an authentic group of women, and it’s so awesome. It made me feel more open to letting people in on my own successes and struggles.

What was your “BIG” goal that you wanted to achieve by the end of Strongest You Coaching? My final goal was to let the other women in the group and Jen know how much this process has meant to me. There have been ups and downs, but I’m a better person having known them all. Additionally, I plan to continue following all of the healthy eating habits, and mindset shifts we worked on during Strongest You. I am still working towards my Resolution Revolution goal for 2017 of a 200-pound deadlift and squat. That, and figuring out effective programming now on my own to get myself there. Jen has been giving us a lot of advice, and I creep pretty hard on other GSS women’s workouts (no shame). Between all that, I’m sure I’ll succeed in that goal.

What is the habit you’re currently working on most? If you mean dietary-wise, single-ingredient carbs. Gosh, I love burritos so much. As for a lifestyle habit? I think getting more daily movement in has been a challenge that I’m trying hard to work on. Also, I’m working on slowing down a bit. Breathing more throughout the day, taking more moments to just sit and be present. It’s so easy for me to let my brain go into overdrive, but it’s not beneficial to me to do that. It’s a hard habit to break, but I’m working on it.

How has Strongest You Coaching changed your life? I’ve touched on this a bit throughout my responses. The most obvious way it has helped me is in the consistency with which I work out now. That, however, stemmed from the fact that I’ve become much more confident in myself and am willing to push myself harder than I would’ve before. That’s really been instrumental in all my physical and emotional success. That could not have happened without Strongest You and the women in the group.

What would you tell a woman who’s nervous about joining Strongest You Coaching? If it’s the money, I get it. I’m a graduate student on a graduate student salary. It wasn’t always easy, but the benefits I’ve reaped from doing the program far outweigh any extra adventures I turned down because of money. If it’s because you’re nervous about what it entails, I’ll tell you the big secret —

Strongest You is all about learning to trust yourself.

It’s about learning to trust yourself in eating healthfully without being told exactly what to eat and when (because handing out meal plans is not how GGS rolls). It’s about having training that you are capable of doing, but which will still make you work for your gains, and it’s about thinking about how you think about fitness, others, and yourself. It’s a lot more introspection work than might be apparent. It’s much more than what you’ll find if you just get a few training sessions with a personal trainer at a gym. It’s worth every bit of anxiety I had before starting. You’ll be a better person for having gone through the program, I guarantee it. Let it be known though, it’s very much so a program that you get out of it what you put into it. So be prepared to go all in. Don’t hold back, it’ll only slow your progress and rob you of interactions that could seriously be eye-opening and crucial to your success!

Click to Register Learn more about Strongest You Coaching

The post GGS Spotlight: Julie Barnum appeared first on Girls Gone Strong.

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