#but the amount of staff there who were mean to Me Personally is too damn high

[asexualbookbird]

i love my library and the librarians who work there SO much

[lowkeyrobin]

reader has had a crush on Rory since they were kids when they kissed (for practice ofc) but rory just has eyes for Erica and it breaks reader's heart but is still supportive cause as long as rory is happy so are they and SOMETHING happens which means reader is slowly dying and rory doesn't realizes his feeling until it's too late and reader dies in his arms.....

holy shit Alex you are evil. when I said angsty mbav I didn't realize you took that personally 😭🙏 /lh /pos

RORY KEANER ; you don't know what you have until you lose it

summary ; you like rory, but he doesn't reciprocate

warnings ; language, death, talk of throwing up, influenced by some music bc I was listening to sleep token LMAO

track ; take me back to eden ; sleep token

word count ; 1.5k

masterlist

The only good thing about living in Ontario, Canada, was your friend group, the Supernatural Squad. Although you were just the comedic relief, you were the most reasonable and level-headed. You were still a staple to the group. You weren't very supernatural, however. Just an ordinary human who happened to be friends with a bunch of vampires, a witch/wizard, Benny couldn't decide on a damn label, and a seer.

You and Rory and Benny and Ethan were the two duos of the group that'd been together the longest. Benny and Ethan met in middle school, and you and Rory met in 4th or 5th grade when he moved to White Chapel. Sarah and Erica met in their freshman year, having been bonded over the lack of friends and their good grades in English and history classes.

You and Rory were a different kind of close. In every universe, you knew you'd met each other, one way or another. He was the funny, dim-witted vampire who was still a geek even through his transformation into puberty and vampirism. You, on the other hand, remain the second half of his comedy troupe, the smart and level-headed companion he needed to keep him mentally stable through all these new, weird things he was going through. He'd forever be 15 while you grew older, something you weren't too worried about right now.

You remembered like it was yesterday when you shared a first kiss for "practice." It was practice, really, Rory wanted to know how to kiss before he tried asking Erica out. However, for you, that was the problem. You didn't want it to be practice for him to be able to woo over Erica.

There was no doubt that Erica, the tall, blonde, vampire, was hot. Hell, if you weren't already head over heels for the younger blonde, you'd totally date her. But, that was the whole thing, he had googly eyes for Erica and you just solemnly looked at him with love stuck in yours like a curse.

But, of course, Rory hadn't learned about the phrase "you don't know what you have until you lose it." He wasn't expecting to lose you, nor was he aware that he even had you wrapped around his finger.

During the final fight with Vice Principal Stern, you'd gotten hurt, and hid it from your friends ; you saved White Chapel for good, ridding the town of evil. You didn't want to sour the mood about a wound that would heal itself, and you didn't want your friends worrying about something so small that'd disappear in time.

Stern hit you with a purplish magenta light-beam from his staff, leaving a very painful, burn-looking wound on your side. Over time, it didn't heal like you hoped it would, if anything it only looked worse, like your skin was decaying.

You had it wrapped up nearly 24/7 to prevent infection, the grey-ish skin was pruney and nasty looking from the amount of moisture. You'd only been living through the pain thanks to a lot of Tylenol, which you probably took a little bit too much of sometimes on accident. The center of the wound was a weird purple color, like a bruise, and it branched off like veins almost. It ran down your hip and up your torso, a grey color, acting as if you were a rotting corpse or something.

The theory was that it'd heal over time or completely disappear after a way since Stern was gone. But obviously, those were both incorrect.

You touch the wound, feeling a sharp pain radiate through the area as you pull your fingers away with a grimace. Your next idea was to ask Benny for a potion or something to help it go away. I mean, he had to have had some wound-dissolving spell or potion laying around somewhere, he was a witch for Christ's sake. It shouldn't be too hard to just ask for one.

That was easier said than done, however. He and Ethan wanted to know what it was for before he made it, and they wouldn't stop pressing after you said it was nothing. They eventually figured you out though, having been the first to notice and point out the veins spreading up to your collarbone and shoulders while you were all hanging out at Ethan's after school.

You kept telling them you were just tired and you had a cold, etcetera etcetera, the past few months, but after a while, they started to wonder why you were only looking worse. Then they persuaded you to just show them so they could help. You complied, showing them the wound you acquired from the final battle with Vice Principal Stern.

Ethan is the first to speak, quickly questioning you, "Dude, when and where did you get that?"

"Fighting Stern a couple of months ago." You shrug nonchalantly as you try your best to force your eyes open to stay awake, "Look, I just need something to make this heal or disappear, okay?"

Benny and Ethan share a worried look, barely able to look at your wound without cringing in disgust and the pain they felt for you.

⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡° ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡° ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°

Within another agonizing week, Sarah, Erica, and of course, Rory, had found out as well. So much for secrets.

All that week, no amount of drugs or spells or potions could help your condition whatsoever. You would frequently throw up and would have to skip class to go to the nurses office or sit in the bathroom while your stomach twisted and turned inside of you. Rory tried helping you as much as he could, carrying your things and flying you straight home after school, but it didn't help much, neither did the magical help from Benny and his grandma, it was like you were immune to it at this point.

You lay in bed on your side, a trashcan accompanying you for any biohazards. The veins now climbed up your neck, your shoulders, and down your legs, your eyes were made heavy by suitcase sides bags under your eyes, it felt like your eyes were swollen, yet they weren't. Rory sits beside you, one hand rubbing your shoulder as you mindlessly babble on, his other hand holding an ice pack to your forehead as you experience heat flashes.

The four other teens stand outside your closed bedroom door, trying to think of any ways to help you. They wanted to convince your parents to take you to the doctors, but how would you explain the massive wound on your side. And how would you explain that you were now a walking corpse acting like a shitty father after a trip to the bar?

"Y'know, Rory, I've always liked you, like, like-liked you" You giggle, ruffling his hair. "You're adorable"

Rory lightly smiles, not taking your words to heart.

"Really, please listen to me, R" You quickly place your hands on his cheeks, cupping his face, "I like you. And I know you don't like me back and shit, you like Erica and you're constantly talking about it, but I want it off my chest before this stupid thing probably kills me or starves me out of my body"

The blonde boy blinks a few times, and wraps you in a hug. "I'm sorry" He mumbles, remembering the fact you were definitely on your last limb here, "You're the best, most awesome friend I could ever ask for, so you're not gonna die! Wait- could I turn you into a vampire and save you? Would that work?"

You shrug, not wanting to get too excited, I mean, the others probably already thought of that and imagined a bad outcome.

The four walk back in to see you resting your head on Rory's lap, probably sleeping as he speaks up, his speech moving a million miles an hour.

"What if we turn them into a vampire? Would that work? I mean, they'd become immortal, right?"

The four look to each other and shrug, positivity shining through their worried expressions.

"Did they say they wanted to try it?" Sarah asks, "It's a big devotion... I mean, this is literally life changing, maybe for the better"

Rory nodded, "They said to ask you"

Sarah nods down, looking at you, "Ask them, I'll be downstairs, I'm gonna make them some tea" She lightly smiles, dragging Erica along with her.

Rory shakes your shoulder with no response, your cheeks pale as the veins quickly crawl up your face. He gets a little more aggressive with it, calling your name, the fear showing in his voice.

"Y/n, Y/n, Y/n? Y/n? Y/n!"

Ethan stands frozen, seeing your entire face begin to be engulfed by the weird infection. Benny begins shouting for Sarah and Erica, sprinting down the stairs as quickly as possible. The blonde turns you face up, seeing blood trail out from your nose.

You were totally limp in his arms, a sense of calmness painting your face instead of the now usual pained and tired look. You seemed peaceful laying there while your whole body is painted in a spider web like pattern.

"Y/n/n, please, wake up! I can help you!"

No response, your chest wasn't even slowly rising or falling anymore, you were just a limp, heavy body laying on him.

Tears prick at the blonde's eyes as he stares at your relaxed features, wishing that just maybe he'd thought a little sooner.

Maybe if he just thought of that a little sooner, then you'd be okay.

[nevermoreconfessions]

Prospero is my favorite character for many reasons and one of those is the fact he's from the first work of Edgar Allan Poe I read, therefore it has a special place in my heart. Having said that, his spectre disappoints me, AT THE TIME. It's true I don't know what the authors have in store but thus far, his spectre lacks severely to me. Spoilers for Masque of Red Death ahead, but he's based off of a story where a Prince hides away from a plague that torments his land until that "Red Death" enters the castle and follows him through a series of colored rooms, each one representing different things depending on how you read it. His spectre is not giving me any of that. It's a generic plague doctor with a staff as his most "unique" design choice. It tells me he lived through A plague but it doesn't tell me anything else from him just by looking at it on top of it being the weakest in terms of flare. Even Will's has more flare and that's...saying a lot. I trust that eventually the design might... make more sense to me and it might go through changes but as of right now, it's the most boring to me and that's a shame because I adore Prospero and anything related to him but I couldn't honestly say his Spectre is my favorite when it doesn't even look like anything more than a regular plague doctor... Especially since the staff is easy to miss or just doesn't add much. The rats could be a bonus too, but rats weren't really much of an element in the story either....

PS: I really don't mean this as hate or harsh criticism, it's just an observation and a mild hope someone sheds a new perspective on this that maybe I missed?

Can I call you PoeAnon? I'm calling you PoeAnon.

Oh, PoeAnon. How I love you, because this is what critique looks like. And you know what? I get what you're coming from. In a way, I actually agree.

Dear PoeAnon, here's what Prospero's design and abilities tell me, in regards to who he is and how he died —

Let's start with the whole Plague Doctor thing he's got going on. Personally, I love a good plague doctor, and I do think that the spectre could've used a little extra pizazz; but, here's where that design gets truly interesting —

The rats.

Yes, those damned rats. Let me explain.

It tells a great amount of how he died! Did you know that the Plague was spread by rats (then, fleas)? Apparently, the Catholic church was like, "Deport those cats, they're evil," and rats ran wild, spreading the plague like wildfire — the plague subsequently hit Italy, where Prospero is said to be from.

So, to me, it appears that Prospero died of the Plague in Italy, where he might have worked as a doctor in efforts to treat said plague. Or, he was the patient. (I think he was the patient who either died of the plague, or in surgery.)

To emhasize that he died of the plague, let's talk about the poem for a moment. The "Red Death" is a fictional disease that causes "bleeding at the pores."

Prospero is known to have a fear of blood — he gets queasy seeing his own blood, to be exact. Fits well, right?

I'll admit — I don't really understand the bat wings or the hourglass symbols on his staff.

I'll assume that the hourglass symbolizes death — namely, "running out of time," because getting the plague back then meant that you were counting your days. The bat wings stump me, though I assume it's because bats can carry some pretty serious diseases, too.

All this to say: I do like Prospero's spectre. As I said, I have a soft spot for Plague doctors, though I do understand that desire for more.

I wish I had more to go off of, too. But it's still a neat design, in my opinion! It's a classic, honestly.

What do you think, Nevermore tumblr?

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

I think I realized what an impossible task I have at my job to accomplish, and how the teachers view the library staff as a parasite.

Some of it is my fault.

But in retrospect, it's as if I sneezed loudly at a wrong moment, and now the Staff there treat me like a batman tier war criminal, and it's entirely unfair.

Example and dumb rambles of Teacher staff drama under the cut cus I'm fed up and just making this Tumblr post to vent if anything.

Today, there was a buffet potluck for Teacher staff. So I asked if I could have some. They said yes. But once I had food, they were upset I was eating "teacher staff" food and it wasn't for Library Staff.

They even sent the Elementary Guidance Councilor to tell me this. And they spoke in the same voice that they use for five year olds having a disagreement.

But this wasn't a disagreement, more of a misunderstanding.

I mean, did they think I'd eat the whole potluck? Did they want me to contribute?

I gladly would have. Heck, I could have given the parent teacher association money if that's what this was about.

I know why they treat me this way. It's because I took a few small foods from the PTO breakroom in the past without paying for them. Planning to pay back once I got my paycheck. (I'm not the only one to do this. The few teachers who I am friendly with do this all the time and assured me it was fine.)

This was over five months ago and I have since payed back the money, apologized for my mistake and misunderstanding, and have been trying to move on. As my job revolves around having good working relationship with the staff there.

So I will admit fault for my slip ups of work related hunger and poverty.

I can take responsibility for my actions, and I have sense been trying to build my relationships up since.

What I didn't appreciate was that they told me I was allowed to potluck functions, something I double checked and asked about, and made sure it was absolutely okay for me to have this food, which they said alright, then got mad when I took a small amount of food, locked me out of the breakroom, despite me having a key, and treated me like a war criminal or a Snorlax that'll eat the whole damn potluck.

Not to mention, my boss also wants me to "come up with something" to organize the library in a new way.

When they admitted personally that they don't know what they want.

So I don't know what to research.

But since I'm on probation on yet another job, I will get fired if I don't find or come up with something they want by the end of the month.

The task is impossible.

Partially self inflicted. I know I did some of this myself. But I don't think it's all self inflicted. I think it's also part of the Teacher Staff being very catty and clichey and just treating the library staff like unwanted parasites or outsiders.

And I don't think I deserve a lot of the isolation that they put me though. (I either have a choice of eating in the hallway where the library is located or a broom closet these days. And yes, the superintendent was the one who made this "compromise" so their food doesn't get "stolen" Granted, the custodians can't use the breakroom now either.... But the substitutes can.)

Either I'll quit or be fired by the end of the year.

I think I'm too autistic to have a job where building relationships and have everyone like you be part of my job description.

I feel I'm too autistic for a job anymore in general.

Anyway, long story short:

Me: oh cool. Nice food. Can I have some?

Them: sure.

Me: (eating) them: no, no. Bad girl. That's teacher food.

[fangbunny]

My??? Student loans were just FORGIVEN??? And I’m getting my cash back?????? They just sent me the email and I read the news this morning. The school I went to was a big gigantic scam so I kinda hoped this would happen but always assumed it wouldn’t. Damn. Gonna vent a little cause boy do I have thoughts.

That school beat me into the ground and wrecked my relationship with art for actual years, genuinely fuck them. The amount of people on power trips there was wild. I think we students would get told at least three times a quarter that we were worthless as artists, not as good as xyz school, replaceable, expendable, and only worth what we could rake in financially from our artwork. If you weren’t a financial success, you were worthless as an artist. We were all replaceable at any time because there were “too many” artists and tons better than us. The head of the department I was in (prior to essentially getting fired for misconduct, I think) used to tell us that unless a pencil was in our hands eight hours a day at least, we’d never amount to anything and may as well go home. I personally had an instructor who wasn’t even involved with my program tell a few of us that my group’s project had no “deeper world-changing meaning” and so it was a waste of time and we weren’t going to get anywhere in life. Then he spent the rest of the class jerking himself off by showing off some video game he was vaguely involved with. Great instruction, 10/10.

At that point I was just trying to graduate and get the fuck out. I didn’t care, and I couldn’t just drop out because they boxed me in financially. That was emotionally my lowest point in life and my health definitely reflected that. My portfolio instructor at least understood and did what she could to help me get outta there smoothly. She saw it was a shit show. Unfortunately she was also one of the instructors who liked to tell us we sucked before she saw the writing on the wall about the school tanking soooo… I don’t feel very warmly about her.

There are so many fucked up things I remember about that place and that’s not even getting into the administration. The school didn’t even have certified instructors teaching us, it was pretty much 70% “adjunct staff.” Some of them were good at teaching (maybe because they were the only ones actually certified lol) and I learned from a few (my painting instructor and a few of my 3d instructors were cool) but most of them… very clearly had no idea what they were doing.

It was hell and I don’t like thinking about it. I saw it break so many of my friends and classmates, and I stopped drawing and painting altogether for years after I graduated. I’m someone with a history of being extremely self-critical due to trauma and the DID makes it hard for me to feel “alive” or present when I’m under extreme stress. I wasn’t diagnosed yet so I didn’t know how to handle my condition and the school only exacerbated it with how they treated us. How fitting that a few days after I was finally able to draw in my sketchbook again, this happens. I’m gonna go celebrate with my family soon.

[chemicalpink]

ଘ(´•×•)⊃━☆ a (not so brief) life update

In case you've been wondering where I've been cause by now we all know I tend to just disappear.

A few days ago I felt like oversharing a bit for anyone interested, I feel like getting to this point of sharing is due and will allow me to stop this irrational fear of the internet that I have somehow developed as it tallies to my accountability on this blog.

So hang tight! Cause this is about to be a wild ride...

I'm not regressing to the very beginning cause this isn't about to be a therapy session but I will go back to the near beginnings of this account during the pandemic.

A little before lockdown as I was asked to collaborate as a customs specialist for a pop-up store (which then I found out to be BTS') so I got into them after my job was done. A bit after going down the rabbit hole I started this blog, without very much planning into it, just merely creating a safe space for the people with whom could potentially like the same things I did.

A few months into it, as a last year International Relations student on my way to law school, and with a bit of sleep deprived courage, I applied for an internship at BH online, not expecting much since I barely knew Korean and was most definitely stuck at home in a whole different continent. But things surprisingly worked out, I didn't get paid at all but it was a great learning experience. BH became HB and I got to experience that from the inside, my day went like this: school from 7am to 5 pm and work from 9pm to 3am (sometimes more)

I obviously never got to work directly with any idols, my work was merely global and very much law related. Customs, contracts, negotiations with international enterprises. When the lockdown was done with, I was asked to move and become a permanent worker of theirs, so I did. However, it involved a lot of moving around so I wasn't exactly based anywhere and living costs are quite a thing. During this time I was also profiling myself as a diplomat, so it was in all of our best interests that I became outsourced.

Which brings us to a timeline closer to the present, the person that was in charge of contacting me for the gigs that I used to do for them suddenly quit and while I'm sure they were doing whatever was best for them, left me fending for myself during may-june. I came back home with my parents during june-july and networked for a bit– at least enough to regroup my possibilities so during august-september I was allowed to staff and collaborate (on a lower level) on some big concerts/tours.

During this time however (july-september) I was mostly reliant on my parents and coincidentally, their work slowed down by a lot. The rather small amount of money I got from working here and there was spent on my medical treatment (during july my doctor let me know that I needed to get diagnosed properly for lupus and by august my treatment costs were up by a lot) I tried picking up freelance tutoring (a pain, truly) and other small hustles that didn't require me to tire myself out too much since most of my days I spent aching all over, while also caring for my mother who had to have an emergency glaucoma surgery.

Oh and I cried and felt miserable during my birthday so.

I believe that's where we are at. I can't exactly get a job since I need to apply to an unpaid internship in order to graduate law school but I can't apply for an internship because one of my teachers just suddenly decided to fail me in their class (which means I need to pass it first) so I try to get by with small, low commitment hustles and now I'm picking up more seriously my ko-fi content. Which is why, I haven't been on here.

Those damned retrogrades hit me good ngl.

I do want to say though, I am not in a state of emergency, however, I am not living comfortably, but I'm trying my best to pick myself up and be nice to myself with the decisions I make and actions I take by the minute. While also trying to save up to go visit my 17 year old sister that has just moved away to study medicine.

I am grateful for what I have and I cherish you all that have remained close to me (even in this infinite nothingness that is the internet) and I hope you've been treating yourselves kindly during this time. If you'll have me, let's navigate the rest of the year together.

If this gains a lot of traction, I'm privating it lmao. I have no issue now talking about it since I'm no longer working there but I made those NDAs myself so I know what I'm up to.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Pleasant Suprises

Also a tiny amount of vindication, but I digress. Of course, it's at least partly down to the idiocy of my workplace, this pleasant surprise, but y'know, as I was saying to @true0neutral just yesterday, this is still the best job I've ever had. Okay, slightly more of an indictment of all my other jobs than it is praising this one, but aaaaaaaaaaanyway...

Look, there's the usual thing of me being left with The Annoyances. Or, at least, most of The Annoyances. (There's one in particular that everyone other typist took great pains to avoid because she is a nightmare - her accent is difficult, her dictation is word salad, and she refuses to do anything remotely like a block key. It's a thing.) I started the morning with so many of The Annoyances, and got a fair few more as the day progressed. Because that's basically How We Do around here.

Day was coming towards its end, and I was checking how we were doing on the queue, and I noticed an eighteen minute long dictation from The Breast Guy that had just popped up at the head of the queue. Now, in all fairness, this was not the fault of any of the typists. This was, in fact, the fault of The Breast Guy. See, there are two ways to look at the typing queue in chronological order - from the date and time the dictation started, or the date and time the dictation finished. Most of us look at it from the date the doctor started dictating the report, because, hey, it's bound to be fairly close, right? I mean, the same day, certainly ... right?

Nooooooooope. Apparently The Breast Guy started the damn thing on Friday morning and somehow didn't get it finished until this afternoon. I don't know what the fuck happened but it throws things for a loop, lemme tell you.

So I sighed and weng back to my personal queue, debating whether I should pick it up when my personal queue was done or whether I could get away with going, "look, he only finished the fucking thing this afternoon; it cannot be that urgent and can therefore wait".

Thing is ... when I was done with my personal queue not too long later, I went back to the shared queue and saw that it was already being typed. By Temp, of all people. She who was one of the worst at avoiding anything longer than a minute, who whined at me continually while I still worked in the office about, "I don't feel productive if I only type a few long reports!" as an excuse for leaving me with all of The Breast Guy's bullshit, actually picked up one of The Breast Guy's longer bits of mess!

I know that this is likely to be a Once In A Blue Moon phenomenon. Maybe it was a kind of thanks for removing all of The Nightmare Annoyance's typing from the queue. I don't know. I don't care. I got left with The Nightmare Annoyance's entire back catalogue, a mess of a hysterectomy specimen as dictated by The Ditzy Annoyance, most of the mess from The Annoyance who hasn't figured out how to pause the dictation while she checks measurements and leaves about a minute of dead silence in most of her dictations, and The Speed-Talker Annoyance who does breast specimens in ... well, a differently annoying way than The Breast Guy. I did not want to have to do the eighteen-minute monstrosity. And I didn't have to. Yay!

Ugh. Tomorrow's supposed to be a staff meeting. I hate these things. These could just be an email, seriously. Not like I know shit about what's going on in the office. Beyond a whole lot of people ignoring me unless they want something, anyway.

[airiat]

How was your job traumatizing you?

i was a mental health technician at an inpatient psych hospital for over a year, working with kids aged 12-17. it was a last resort kind of place in that they would take all the people with such severe behavioral issues that the other hospitals would refuse to admit them, chiefly manifesting in aggression. additionally, it was a hospital that takes kids under the care of dcfs, so there would be some who came from horrific backgrounds with a tremendous amount of trauma.

as a mht, i was responsible for meeting their basic needs, managing the milieu, and providing therapeutic programming for damn near 8 hours straight. nobody was with these kids for more time than the mhts were, yet we were the lowest on the totem pole. but i won't even talk about the shitty politics of that hospital.

if you're reading this and you've been in a hospital like this, and your experience still hurts you, i probably would stop reading here.

my own trauma was just simply spending a year around kids who mostly wanted nothing more than to be dead. i have had my own mental health issues, especially as a teenager, and i know that if i did not have as supportive of a family as i did, my outcome would have been just the same. it was knowing that, seeing them, knowing that all they probably needed was a family, and being able to do nothing much for them. it wears on you.

i've had some really good moments there. there are few other places where someone is going to be so boundlessly happy to see you walk through the door, who is going to tell you that you're their favorite person. nor are there many places where you can work and see directly what good your efforts are doing. i can sit there and tell a kid that yes you have been hurt in the past and people are cruel and dangerous sometimes but i will never, ever hurt you and i can be proof that you are deserving of kindness. i was a really, really good staff. i was. never, in my whole year, did i ever stop giving everything i had to those kids. but a year, in this job, is a very, very long time.

i've had some unfathomably difficult moments there. i was never the brunt of aggression, no. i mean, i was screamed at, sure. "you're a bitch", "you make me want to kill myself" (because i wouldn't let her into her room), "fuck you, stupid cunt." okay. whatever.

it's this:

i'm sitting on the floor of a hallway with this girl. she's been here five months because she is such a danger to herself that she can't go anywhere else. no one or nowhere will take her. she grabs plastic utensils and breaks them into pieces to hide in her bra to self-harm with later. we're sitting here. she's got a sliver of a spoon, and she's scraping at her arm, adding to skin that's more scabs and scars than untouched. she's sobbing because she has no home to go back to when she can finally leave. her mom died of an overdose, her dad's gone, her grandma is abusive. took a knife and cut her arms because "oh, so you wanna cut yourself now? here, i'll do it for you"

i can't make her stop hurting herself. she's not herself when she's like this. she's a cracked shell. if i try to get in her way, she'll hurt me, too. i'm sitting here with her. i'm trying to tell her that all we have to do is get through this moment. it won't last forever. i've had my hand on her shoulder for so long that i can't feel either thing anymore. there's a puddle of blood underneath her arm. with another scrape of the broken spoon, a chunk of skin falls into it. "i just want to go home." she's repeating it over and over. i'm sobbing too. i'll hear her pain for years and years. maybe i'll never stop hearing it.

anyway, i don't even really want to be a therapist anymore. it seems like it'd be futile. i'm tired. working this job has changed me irrevocably. but at least i'm really fucking good at public speaking now

thanks for allowing me a reason to type this all out

[ooooo-mcyt]

Yknow what? I'd actually go so far as to say that, as much as ive seen it complained about, it's actually pretty hard to "UwU" or "Woobify" Grian within the context of yhs.

I mean. It's possible if you go really extreme with it, but it's hard.

Grian at his core is actually a primarily decent person most of the timeand is a primarily innocent party in most things. One who goes through a Lot.

If you really think about it Grian's moral compass isn't too far off normal basic human morality. He's often anxious and hesitant when faced with any involvement in criminal activity, he's frequently dismayed and offput by suggestions of violence (the less deserved the more dismay is expressed as well), he's disappointed and frustrated at seeing the people around him do fucked up things, he's almost always polite with a good head on his shoulders when faced with a kind or reasonable person. Even well into ts, long after first coming back to Japan, Grian is still incredibly uneasy and fidgety with the suggestion that he take part in violence, I mean, remember that time he, Taurtis, and Sam were tasked with killing Geode and Grian not only initially tried to refuse outright but then checked in shakily with the other two multiple times just to confirm if they were really going to kill someone. Grian's typically the character most likely in the entire series to be incredibly put off by and very hesitant about doing bad things (especially to people he's not one million percent certain deserve it).

And while one could argue that we can't really praise his moral compass for being hesitant about involving himself in crime/wrongdoing when he often ends up participating anyways. Actions speak louder than words and all. However I disagree. The fact that Grian vocally does not wish to be involved in this kind of thing and has proven to behave on the more reasonable and polite side when acting independently in relation to likewise level headed people....is Very important. In fact, in actual legal cases, oftentimes a factor in trying individuals is the question of whether they would commit the crime in question indepently or under normal circumstances. This is the basis for necessity, duress, and insanity pleas, amoung other's. People who would not act the way they did in a certain scenario under normal circumstances are often liable to be judged favourably in their actions. In fact, speaking of duress pleas, Grian's got a pretty solid one for a lot of his actions. The times Sam or Yuki held a knife to his throat or the times police threatened to kill him if he doesn't comply with orders or any alike incidents. In cases where duress isn't applicable to Grian's behaviour there are oftentimes incidents in which an outright case for violence in self defense can be made. In fact, most of Grian's circumstances leave him very viable to be judged sympathetically on a legal standpoint. The fact that he was a minor, the fact that he had no apparent history of violence or crime, the fact that he was in a severely abusive relationship with a criminal and entering said relationship marked the start of any sort of criminal behaviour from Grian, any criminal behaviour from Grian always being in a group setting never lead by himself, the fact that he always clearly and openly protests when pulled into these group settings, the duress and self defense pleas that are applicable to pretty much all incidents in which he does engage. Which are also all factors that can and should be accounted for on. a moral basis as well, obviously. And like, Grian has a reputation for being arrogant, cynical, and rude or whatever, but he's really not. He very rightfully calls out other people's horrible bullshit and makes snappy remarks towards his abuser but that's the opposite of a problem and Grian's proven himself more than capable of reasonable civility towards reasonable people. Grian just isn't the selfish arrogant disrespectful criminal that he's sometimes implied to be and in fact he's largely innocent- or absolvable, if you'd rather- in most of the things levied against him. Grian's not a literal saint giving to the needy and taking care of orphans in his spare time but he's a decent guy overall???

And hey, speaking of that super abusive relationship Grian landed in. Let's not forget the impact of that situation. Sam was undoubtedly abusive towards Grian. He threatened Grian's life various times, he basically told Grian he was nothing compared to Taurtis, he shoved plastic down Grian's throat and laughed when he choked, he got Grian locked up in solitary confinement through complete lies just because he thought it'd be entertaining I guess, he forced Grian to kiss an abnormally large amount of people against his will (some of these instances sam recorded despite being asked not to), he himself tried to make out with Grian without consent while Grian was sleeping in his own private room, he forcefully dressed Grian up in feminine cosplay meant to be ~attractive~ complete with fake breasts, he lied to Grian about the gender identity of someone Grian dated as a joke (his words) and lightly mocked Grian afterwards, he locked Grian in a basement for three days straight and it's unclear whether or not he was planning to let him out anytime soon, he dragged Grian into a closet with school staff despite Grian's very vocal distress and discomfort then scolded Grian for considering reported it when this staff member made uncomfortable comments on the outfit Sam had forced Grian into, Sam offered to give Grian to another guy who made a similar uncomfortable comment later on as part of some trade, he consistently dragged Grian against his will into criminal activity whether by threatening him, tricking him into participating, or just altogether falsely implicatng him, amoung Many other things. And every step of the way Sam did his best to completely gaslight Grian. He used every gaslighting technique in the book. Telling blatant lies (for example, "i would never stab taurtis", "you are taurtis", "grian's crazy and he stabbed taurtis"), he denies doing shit to Grian that Grian knows damn well he did ("i would never stab taurtis"). He hard projected his bs onto Grian (from blaming grian for 'making' sam do awful shit sam did to claiming grian actually fullstop did the awful shit sam did). He was just constantly trying to turn people against Grian (convincing yuki and taurtis to back him up in calling grian a bad manipulative friend and insisting he needed to apologize for 'making' sam horrifically abuse him. arriving in the police station and instantly without hesitation telling them grian was crazy and dangerous and pinning his own crimes on grian. having taurtis back him up and help scold grian for getting mad about being locked in the basement for days). Telling Grian he's crazy (taurtis incident again, solitary confinement incident, the time sam kissed grian without his consent while he slept and grian got mad). Telling everyone else that Grian's a manipulative liar (taurtis incident again, solitary confinement incident again). Yknow. Gaslighting. Sam was just so unbelievably abusive. In like. Every possible way. Which adds a LOT of trauma to Grian. That on top of his parents abandoning him as a little kid too because we couldn't leave it at severe abuse.

Grian's not a bad person. And he's certainly a very sympathetic person. Which is why it would be hard to woobify yhs Grian. It would be hard to make a very sympathetic very sad character egregiously sympathetic and sad. His whole arc is getting abandoned by his parents, going to visit his friends, and getting violently abused and forced into a multitude of disturbing activities against his will for an extended period of time.

One could argue that sure Grian isn't a bad person and sure Grian's got a pretty sad life, but certainly a lot of people are guilty of making Grian more helpless and scared and generally 'pathetic' than he is in canon.

To which I reply...not really?

Grian already doesn't have half the fight response people ascribe to him throughout the series. That was a whole other post but honestly Grian's response to traumatic situations is very frequently to cave to them and he's got a much stronger submissive streak than people often admit. I mean, Grian was asked to dress up as his best friend who just got stabbed "to make things less awkward and make me feel better" and he did it within ten seconds of being asked without the others even needing to threaten him at all. Grian does express quite a bit of despair, fear, and submissive tendency in canon when faced with dangerous or traumatic situations. And while it's possible to go a bit too far with that if you consistently leave out the token fight entirely, I see people swing way too far un the opposite direction way too often. There's a reason Grian never actually killed Sam in canon. There's a reason Grian never made a serious attempt to get him arrested for his crimes. There's a reason Grian never just left. When Sam found Grian after he ran out of the gym during the Taurtis incident? Grian didn't lunge for Sam. There was no serious altercation between the two. Grian scrambled back and tearfully babbled platitudes while shoving plastic down his own throat on command. And even beyond that, a lot of the interpretations accused of making Grian too helpless/scared/'pathetic' are works that involve Grian processing trauma years after the fact. Which. Even if Grian was the most aggressive on edge fighter in the history of trauma responses during the traumatic events? People don't process their trauma after the fact the same way they instinctively respond in the moment. Even if Grian never shed a tear throughout any of the traumatic ordeals he experienced, it would be far from unrealistic behaviour for him to still process after the fact by panicking and sobbing his eyes out regularly. Which, again, Grian wasn't even all that fight oriented while it was happening so panic and tears isn't even super far removed from his actual in the moment responses let alone processing after-responses. It's just. It's really hard to "UwU" Grian tbh. He's a decent person, he went through hell (his own words actually), and he was never even really very effectively aggressive when he did. And while it's possible to dip too far into that territory, far more often I see things swung egregiously far in the other direction.

[seokiie]

𝙸𝚜 𝚃𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝙰𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚍?

+ 𝘚𝘶𝘮𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘺: 𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘉𝘛𝘚 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘭𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘱 𝘵𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺? 𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘢 𝘤𝘦𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘭𝘺-𝘩𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘰𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶?

+𝘞𝘰𝘳𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵: 4.8𝘬

+ 𝘗𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨: 𝘛𝘢𝘦𝘩𝘺𝘶𝘯𝘨/𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

+ 𝘞𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴: 𝘴𝘦𝘮𝘪-𝘱𝘶𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘤 𝘴𝘦𝘹, 𝘛𝘢𝘦𝘩𝘺𝘶𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘯 𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘢 𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘬, 𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘭, 𝘴𝘦𝘹𝘶𝘢𝘭 𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘛𝘢𝘦𝘩𝘺𝘶𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘭𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘪𝘳, 𝘛𝘢𝘦𝘩𝘺𝘶𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘭𝘶𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘌𝘯𝘨𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘩, 𝘛𝘢𝘦𝘩𝘺𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘥𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘪𝘨 𝘨𝘶𝘺𝘴 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩!!!, 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘧𝘢𝘯

On AO3 || part two

Okay.

Okay. You're okay. You'll be fine. You take a deep breath.

Today was like any other day. You'd just gotten out of your last class of the day and you were heading to work. You were a simple college student (as were most of your coworkers) and the barista job you had at the little cafe right off campus was your only source of income. It paid surprisingly well so you never complained.

The last thing you were expecting when you open the glass doors of the coffee shop is to see a camera crew setting up lights and cameras and-

Is that fucking BTS?

Your eyes grow wide and you have to blink a few times to make sure it's real.

"Hey, y/n, what are you staring... at..." The familiar chime of someone else entering the shop snaps you out of your daze. When you turn around, you meet another pair of shocked eyes. They belong to your close friend, who also worked as a barista.

"Are you fucking seeing what I'm seeing right now..?" Your friend points a shaky finger to the seven handsome Korean men talking to the director. You quickly grab her arm and pull it down to her side when you notice one of the men, with curly hair and particularly dark eyes look over to the two of you. You offer an awkward smile and he simply turns back to focus his attention back on the director.

"Fuck, fuck. He looked at us. He saw you pointing." You whisper yell at your friend before grabbing her hand and dragging her behind the counter and into the back room. It was the only safe place left in the entire cafe that wasn't crowded with security and staff.

"Did our manager say anything about a worldwide boy group showing up to our tiny little urban cafe? Because I sure as hell don't remember it." Your friend paces around the small area of the backroom. The place was jammed with unopened packs of coffee beans and various cardboard boxes.

"No. No, I don’t think he did. Do you think we were supposed to come in for work today? What if they kick us out?" You open the door slightly, peering out into the open area of the coffee shop. It looked like the camera crew finally finished setting up and everyone was getting into their positions. "Ah, they're starting."

Now it’s your friend’s turn to grab your hand. Her nails practically dig into your wrist as she drags you out the room and towards where the camera crew is set up. No one seems to pay you two much attention as they're too focused making sure they had the right angles.

"Look, we can see everything from here without getting in the way." The municipal cafe you worked at was wide and open meaning there was lots of rooms for the hand-carved dark oak tables and big comfortable armchairs that littered the area. Your friend effectively pushes you down into one of the chairs before taking a seat across from you. She was right, you could see everything from here. And you were just out of frame.

The recording starts with the Bangtan boys saying something familiar in Korean and the director explaining... something in Korean. Suddenly, you're wishing you had English subtitles in real life.

It doesn't occur to you until various well-known tools and ingredients are placed in front of the seven guys that they're filming a run BTS episode. You probably should've figured that out sooner. As your eyes skim over the numerous appliances, you also figured out what they're doing. They're learning how to make professional handmade coffee. You guess it's safer than letting them use the bigger machines.

As the recording progresses, you find yourself laughing at how bad they are at following directions. You'd think seven guys who were skilled at learning and mastering choreography could follow basic instructions about using a Moka pot. Boy, were you wrong.

But surprisingly enough, one of them is doing pretty damn good. Actually, he's doing really fucking good!

It's Taehyung, you recognize immediately.

Your eyes follow the curly-haired man’s movements closely. His hands are working expertly against the coffee bean grinder. It's mesmerizing and oh, so satisfying watching the way the veins in his hands and arms bulge as he pushes the top of the grinder down to activate the machine. You bite your lip as your brain slowly flooded with images of those hands around your neck or the way his big hands would cover the expanse of your thighs. Have you always had a hand kink? If not, you do now.

Your eyes drift upward, stopping briefly to admire how sexy he looks in an apron. He's wearing a white button-down shirt underneath it with about four buttons undone. The sliver of skin showing has you reeling.

And then your eyes stop at his face. That beautiful jawline, the perfect curl of his hair, and that dark, hooded look in his eyes. If you didn't know any better, you'd think he was looking at... at...

Holy shit, he was looking at you.

You watch as a smirk forms on his face. He'd obviously caught you eyeing him up and at the moment, he was absolutely eating up the way you shifted under his inculpative glare. You nervously look around as if saying, 'you're looking at me? Are you sure?' and he lets out a little laugh in response, his wicked smirk turning into a genuine smile before his focus is back on his coffee beans.

You let out a breathless sound.

Is this what people call a 'y/n moment'?

The recording continues for the next hour as they tried different methods of making coffee. You alternated between watching the show and talking to your friend but throughout that time, you kept feeling a pair of eyes on you, especially when your attention shifted to your friend in front of you. As she talks about how annoying some guy in her psychology class is, you can practically feel Taehyung’s eyes boring through the side of your head and into your soul.

Maybe you just thought he was looking at you. You were such an ordinary person. What would Taehyung- rich, sexy, famous, talented Taehyung want with a boring girl like you?

But you still wanted to test it. You wanted to see if he was really looking at you. If he was staring at you so intently, it had to mean something right?

You look around you to make sure you're not in the line of sight of any cameras before standing up, your friend stops her story to ask where you're going.

"Not going anywhere..." You stand beside your chair and adjust your skirt that had ridden up from you sitting down. "I just wanna stretch real quick."

Taehyung watched as you stood up, his eyes were drawn to the insane amount of thigh you were showing. If your skirt had ridden up any higher, he's sure he'd get a good look at something he's not supposed to see. His grip on the table in front of him tightens at the thought and he's lucky no one notices the way his knuckles turn white.

In your opinion, your outfit wasn't anything special. It was a simple red crop top paired with a black pencil skirt that hugged your waist and hips nicely. Now that you were standing up, Taehyung could get a good look at your body.

You raise your arms up slightly so your hands were behind your head. The action inadvertently brings your crop top up higher and pulls it tighter against your chest. You weren't completely sure if Taehyung was still watching, but to top it all off you tilt your head back slowly, letting your face twist into one of pleasure as you show off how amazing it feels to stretch your body.

When you open your eyes and look back towards Taehyung, you almost stumble back into your chair. To be completely honest, you didn't think he'd have any sort of reaction but you were greatly mistaken.

His lips were wet and parted slightly as if he'd just licked them and his eyes were iniquitous and clouded with lust. He was looking at you as if the only thing stopping him from taking you apart was the bright flashing red light on the cameras.

His stare has you stumbling back into your seat, your eyes not leaving his for a second. It feels like you're locked in place, like you're not allowed to look away until he orders you to.

"You're so extra." Your friend’s voice is kind of distant and quiet but it's all you need to snap out of the weird limbo between you and Taehyung.

"Huh?"

"I said you're extra. You stretched and made it look like you were having the best orgasm of your life." She laughs and you roll your eyes in response. When you look back at Taehyung, he's conversing with his bandmates like nothing even happened.

The filming finishes up rather quickly. The time you don't spend gushing at the seven men, you spend quietly squealing with your coworker friend. It feels as if it's over as quickly as it started, though, and as the camera crew starts to load their things into their vans, your manager instructs you to get to your station. He tells your coworker to focus on opening the shop once everyone leaves and she walks away with an "ai ai, cap'n".

The weird ordeal with Taehyung completely slips your mind as you walk behind the counter and put your apron on. First, you had to check to make sure all the machines were working and then you could-

"Hey."

The voice is deep and very familiar.

Fuck.

"Hi! I mean, hi." Your brain is a jumbled mess as you turn around and you're greeted by a tall, handsome man on the other side of the counter. Taehyung approached you. Taehyung is talking to you. Breathe.

"You're, uhh..." You watch expectantly as the man searches for the words. Somehow, his thinking face makes you feel a little less intimidated. "You're a coffee woman. You make... coffee here." He concludes and at first, you're a bit confused until you figure out what he's trying to say. You let out a little laugh.

"Yeah, I work here. I'm a barista." Taehyung tilts his head at your words.

"Barista... Ah, sorry, my English. It's not good." He rubs the back of his neck sheepishly and your heart practically swells in your chest. He's so cute, oh god. He's so cute and hot at the same time.

"No, no! It's okay!" You raise your hands up in a calming motion before silence falls between you two. You're first to speak up.

"Should we- can I- do you want me to make you something?" You mentally slap yourself for your stutter. Taehyung finds it endearing.

"Make me coffee?" Taehyung asks to make sure he understood you correctly. You nod in response. "You can make Americano?"

"Yeah, I can make you an Americano!" You turn to load the right beans into the grinder but a quick 'jamkkanman!' stops you in your tracks. That’s a Korean word you understand. You look back at him and raise your eyebrows.

"I want to watch, uhh, I want to learn how to do it. Not-Korean style." His smile is nervous, worried if he said the right thing. Without much thought, you usher him behind the counter. You weren't allowed to let customers behind the counter but you're sure the higher-ups would let you make an exception.

"Ok, I'll show you. First, you have to measure the beans." You say simply as you pour a couple of grams of coffee beans on the scale. As your adding and reducing the beans to get the right amount, you're starting to become hyperaware of the man standing behind you. You left space for him to stand at your side but he still chose to stand directly behind you. It was getting hard to concentrate when you could feel the heat radiating off his body.

"Those are too many beans, you know? This is how America does it?" Alarms start going off in your head as he steps closer (if that was even possible). His chest was pressed flush against your back now as he peered over your shoulder.

"N-no, uh... I put too many..." You try to take out some of the coffee beans and put them back in the bag but all you can focus on is the way Taehyung's hands casually find themselves on your hips. Ok, it was certain now. He was doing this on purpose.

"Hmm, too little now. I think maybe..." His voice drops to a whisper and his lips are pressed against the shell of your ear. You bite your lip to suppress a moan threatening to crawl out your throat. "... Maybe you're distracted."

"I'm not... fuck." The bag of beans slip out your hands and fall onto the scale when Taehyung pulls your hips back against his. There's something heavy pressing against you, something that you would only compare to a log.

"Mm, pretty girl with a dirty mouth." He growls and rocks your hips slowly against his, pulling you against him in slow, teasing motions. Your body is starting to heat up and you're not sure if its because Taehyung is essentially fucking you through layers of your clothes or because of his subtle compliment.

"Is there... eunmilhan place?" Taehyung's grip on your hips loosens and you turn around to give him a confused look.

"Place where there's no one?" His eyebrow raises and your eyes light up. He was asking for a more secluded area. You knew just the place.

Very few people had a key to the backroom which made it the perfect place to hide away with the idol. Speaking of which, you're about to fuck an idol. Not just any idol but Kim Taehyung. Maybe that fact hasn't hit you yet. You wonder if he'll make you sign an NDA after.

You flick the light on in the small room before locking the door. The last thing you need is for a coworker to walk in. That would be especially bad.

As soon as you slip the keys into the pocket of your apron, Taehyungs hands are gripping both your wrists and bringing them above your head, effectively slamming you back against the door in the process.

"Taehyung-" Your head tilts back against the door when the curly-haired man presses his thigh between your legs. You were so pent up and touch starved. You were just thankful he was giving you something, anything.

"Hey, you know, in Korea... younger girl has to call older guy oppa. It shows respect." The pressure Taehyung is putting on your clit has you soaking through your panties and your brain struggling to keep up with his words.

"More, ah, please!" With Taehyung holding your wrists above your head and his knee between your leg, you're practically trapped against the door. It makes rubbing against him futile.

"Aishh, such a bad girl. So disobedience. Maybe I shouldn't touch you..." Your eyes shoot open at those words. Not only did you and Taehyung have so little time but the thought of him leaving you unfinished was simply unacceptable.

"Taehyung, please, please!" You whine into the crook of his neck but he doesn't let up. What more does he want from you?

"Call me oppa." Taehyung’s fingers twist themselves into the hair at the back of your head, pulling you back so you were looking straight into his half-lidded, lust-filled eyes. You open your mouth and close it in response.

You weren't completely sure if he was being serious but the way his lips parted, his eyes dropping down to your mouth and staring at them expectantly, it was hard to believe he was joking.

You licked your dry lips and sure enough, Taehyung follows the movement.

"O-oppa?" You feel a bit awkward saying the word seriously, your accent, or lack thereof making you feel self-conscious.

"So cute and shy. Weren't you teasing me so confident earlier?" Taehyung smirks as he kisses down your jaw and you subconsciously let your head tilt to the side, inviting his pretty lips to your neck. "Tell oppa what you want."

"I want you- I want oppas fingers inside me... please?" A growl leaves Taehyungs throat at your words and he says something in Korean that you couldn't quite catch. Almost immediately, he's using both his hands to grab the back of your thighs, lifting you up easily. Your legs instinctively wrap around his waist and your arms around his neck. The way he has you pressed back against the door makes holding you up effortless and comfortable.

Taehyung slides your pencil skirt up till it bunches up at your waist and your soaked panties are exposed. He makes a sound of approval.

"You're so wet already, shibal. I want to eat it so bad but no time. Open." Two of Taehyungs fingers are prodding at your lips before you part them slightly and he's sliding them in. Your tongue works deftly around the digits and Taehyungs eyes don't leave yours for a second.

It all happens so quickly, Taehyung pushing your panties to the side in one easy motion, then a pair of spit-soaked fingers slipping into you with ease. You let out a moan of pleasure and a bit of surprise when the two fingers curl inside you. After easily finding your g-spot, Taehyung doesn't hold back. He fucks his fingers into you with quick, sharp motions, scissoring them in an attempt to stretch you out even farther. Lord knows you'll need it.

"Ah, Fuck, Taehyung..." As soon as the needy whines leave your mouth, Taehyung is pulling his fingers out of you with a wet foop. He licks the fingers soaked with your juices, a look of satisfaction on his face before he shakes his head.

"Ah ah, what did I say to call me?" He raises an eyebrow expectantly, his thumb coming up to swipe across your lips in a slow, carnal manner that has a spark of something igniting low in your belly.

"Oppa... oppa, sorry! Please fuck me." Taehyungs thumb drops down to your lower lip, pushing it down slightly so they were parted before pressing a starved kiss to your lips. You let out a mix between a sigh and a moan, relieved to finally have his lips on yours. His tongue works expertly in your mouth and you can't help but whimper, the sound muffled by his lips.

"God, you're sexy when you beg. I can't wait anymore. Can I put it inside you?" Taehyung's hand grips your chin and tilts your head up just a bit so you were looking into his eyes again. His eyes sparkled with something, if you didn't know any better you'd think it was desperation.

You nod your head quickly. At this point, Taehyungs cock felt like your life force and without it you might die.

Taehyung lets you palm at the very defined bulge in his pants before unzipping his slacks and pulling his underwear down just enough to remove his cock from the confines of his boxers and holy shit.

It's massive.

Taehyung's cock is big and heavy in your hands. It's thick and lengthy and the longer you stare at it the more it twitches with interest.

"Ah, it's embarrassing... if you stare..." Taehyung bites his lip as his length jerks upward, blobs of precum beading up at his tip.

"It's so- what if- I don’t know if it can fit..." You stare down in awe. You've never seen anyone so... well endowed? You're kind of scared he might split you in half.

"Wah, a lot say that, you know? But they can take it!" Taehyung looks up at you with an almost innocent smile on his face, a hint of red still on his cheeks and at the tip of his ears. "Your pussy wraps prettily around my fingers so... so I want to see it... I want to see it wrap prettily around my cock..."

You're a bit shocked at his lewd words but you'd be lying if you said it didn't turn you on. Reluctantly, you brace your arms on his shoulders, perching yourself right above Taehyung's length as he angles it towards your folds. His other hand is gripping your ass and effectively spreading you open further.

"Are you ready? I'll put it inside now." He sounds awfully polite for someone about to literally rearrange your guts. You tuck your face into the crook of his neck and let out a quiet 'Mhm'.

You can feel yourself throbbing as Taehyung eases just the head of his cock inside of you. How is it that you already felt so stretched? You whimper against his neck, trying your best to stay quiet as sparks of pain and pleasure surge through you.

It would be a lie to say Taehyung wasn't having as hard of a time as you were. He wanted so desperately to just pull you down onto his cock and fuck you ruthlessly into the door but the last thing he wanted to do was hurt you. His hand trembles against your ass as he struggles to sit you down on his length slowly.

"Fuck, so big, you're so big, oppa.." You bite down at the skin between Taehyungs neck and collarbone and he lets out a low groan in response, squeezing your ass in an attempt to keep you from sliding all the way down onto him.

His tip had just barely made it past your entrance and despite some of his length already being inside, you already felt so full. There's no way he'd be able to fit inside you completely-

Your jumbled train of thought is cut off suddenly by the doorknob beside you jerking rapidly, followed by a series of rhythmic knocks on the door. In a moment of sudden panic, Taehyung's hand, the one that was holding you up, snaps up and presses against the door like it might open at any second.

But if Taehyung's hand wasn't holding you up anymore...?

"Ahh!! Ahah! Fuck, Taeh-" Instantaneously, you're dropped onto Taehyung's cock, his length filling you up completely and sending waves of pleasure and pain through you as his cockhead jabbed tenaciously at your cervix. At that, you're letting out a series of uncontrollably loud moans and he's slapping a hand over your mouth.

"Y/n? Are you in there? What happened?" It's your coworker’s voice. Fuck. The door handle jiggles some more and Taehyung's making an urgent face at you. He removes his hand from your mouth slowly, making sure not to move too much so you don't make a 'suspicious' sound.

"Ha-huh? I'm, fuck, I'm in here. Getting... espresso beans." Your brain is a jumbled mess and you're honestly surprised you were able to get the words out semi-coherently.

"Uh... okay? Grab some milk as well when you're done." You hear light steps walking away from the door and Taehyung can finally let out a breath of air he didn't know he was holding.

"You're okay? Does it hurt?" Behind the thick haze of desire in his eyes, there's worry. You'd feel thankful if not for the sharp pain curling around your lower abdomen and shooting through your body.

"Hurts, Oppa... Please move." He was so big inside you and every time you shifted he was pressing against a new spot that you didn't even know existed. Not only that, but the tip of his cock was prodding at your cervix and you needed him to move.

He follows your commands almost immediately as if he was waiting for those exact words, leaning you back against the door completely before pistoning his hips into you at a rate you would not describe as leisurely.

Taehyung's fucking into you with enough force that each thrust has you sliding up and down against the door, accompanied by the door rattling quietly every time he pulled out and trusted back in. Your nails dig helplessly into his back as you let out wanton moans against his neck, an almost fruitless attempt at trying to stay quiet.

"So tight and warm. Feel so good inside you." Taehyungs lets out an airy moan, his breath fanning against your ear every time he fucked into you. "So loud, too. You want, hnng, want for them to catch us?"

One of Taehyung's hands finds itself in your hair, pulling your head back roughly so you were looking back at him with dazed eyes. The action almost felt intimate, the way he was staring at you with so much hunger as he drilled you against the door, the way his eyes dropped down to your mouth as you bit your lip to suppress a moan.

"More, more! Ha-ah, Taehyung, I'm about- gonna-" The words stumble from your mouth breathlessly and Taehyung lets out a mix between a growl and a laugh, pulling your hair to the side so your neck was fully exposed for him.

"So bad, so demanding. Did you forget my name? Already?" Taehyung presses faint kisses to your jaw before trailing lower. You plead when Taehyung sucks a light hickey into your neck, licking it over as if to soothe it. "Don't you dare come."

It's an order but his cock is filling you up so nicely, squeezing against every single one of your erogenous zones even when he was simply pulling out to thrust back in. He's pulsing inside you and you can practically feel him in your throat. How does he expect you not to come??

"Oppa! Oppa, please! Fuck, I'm- I can't hold it-" You tried your best to hold off but you were fighting a losing battle. His cock was abusing that special spot inside you, pounding it with every move of his hips and it was exactly that that pushed you over the edge. Well, that and the feeling of him sucking constant hickeys into your collarbone.

"Ileon jenjang..." Taehyung whines as you tighten around him. White blotches cloud your vision as your orgasm curls in your abdomen and washes over you like a wave. "Wanna finish inside... wanna fill- fill you up... want it so bad... but can't."

Taehyung's words become less coherent and start to switch between English and Korean the closer he gets until he's pulling out and breathlessly instructing you to get on your knees, still pumping himself quickly as you follow the order.

"Wanted- wanted to come on that pretty face as soon as I seen- saw you this morning. Shibal! Open your- open your mouth, jagi." Post orgasm bliss was still thrumming through your body as you looked up at Taehyung through your eyelashes. His teeth were clenched tightly, a low growl escaping from his throat as he looked down at you and pumped himself faster, harder.

The picture of Taehyung throwing his head back, opening and closing his mouth with inaudible moans as he squeezed his cock harder is one you'll never forget. Even if you wanted to.

Ropes and ropes of translucent, sticky cum shoot at your face, some of it landing on your lips and cheeks but most of it landing on your tongue. You make a satisfied sound when you swallow it all down, licking away the excess on your lips.

"Fucking sexy." Taehyung laughs, patting the top of your head gently before gripping your chin and pulling you up in a deep kiss. You'd be lying if you said it didn't catch you off guard. Guys never usually kissed you after coming in your mouth. The way his tongue works has your body flushing and your head thoughtless. You let out a quiet moan into his mouth.

When Taehyung's lips separate from yours, a string of saliva is the only thing still connecting you and your legs suddenly feel weak again. You and the taller man stare at each other for what felt like hours, just examining how wrecked you two were.

"Ah, the time! We're leaving now. I should leave first." Taehyung is the first to pull away, using his thumb to wipe away any of the clear substance still lingering on your face. You pull your lips into a slight pout before soothing your skirt down with your hands. Having sex with an idol, you knew it'd end like this but you were still allowed to be disappointed.

"I don't want manager-nim to find out this happened. It can be our little secret. Here." Taehyung rustles through his pants and hands you his phone. You're confused. What does he want you to do with his phone?

After a beat of silence and you holding his phone idly, he finally speaks.

"Your number."

"Seriously?" You raise your eyebrows, shocked.

"Seriously. If I visit here again, I'll call. We can meet." He fixes his pants and adjusts his clothes to look less sloppy, less like he just had the best sex of his life.

"There's so much else I want to do to you."

★━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━★

[© seokiie]

[I do not allow any translating, editing, reposting, or use of any my work!!]

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

I’m sorry, but can I just go on a little rant about the Louis, clouis, and the Clem comic...? 

I didn’t really talk about Louis in my overall review of the comic because I wanted that to be more contained to the content shown on the pages, Clementine’s relationship with AJ, and her as a character.... but the more I think about these comics and Louis, the more frustrated I become thinking about what Clementine abandoning everyone would do to him. 

[... okay it’s not little anymore since I guess I can never just do anything simple when it comes to Louis, sorry my bad]

So, no surprise, we all know the comic’s bullshit by now. Clementine leaving everything and everyone behind because she’s not happy is dumb, AJ just letting her go is dumb, and Clem going to the mountains on crutches and a peg leg to find this so-called happiness is dumb. 

Now that we’ve established it’s dumb, I wanna talk about Louis because I got a lot of built up feelings about how bullshit this storyline is with how Clementine would not only abandon AJ, but also abandon Louis. 

Because let me tell you..... his heart would be broken beyond repair and I need to talk about why.

Sigh.... so.... muh boy. 

Before he met Clementine, Louis was this laidback, irresponsible, but caring and musical person who kept his head down to avoid conflict and never looked at the future. He was the kind of person who took things one day at a time, saw survival as a day-to-day task, and said that the future doesn’t exist, there’s only today. You get the point, he was never too concerned with things because they always seemed to work out, and if they didn’t, then that sucks and that’s why we should appreciate every day while we have it. 

Louis is shown to be charismatic and friendly, he spends his free time playing piano and card games, but no one really takes him seriously. Not even Marlon, his best friend for 8+ years. While he doesn’t seem to be on bad terms with anyone [including Aasim, they just act like people who disagree with the other’s point of view and have had the same argument many times, but that doesn’t mean they hate each other, y’know?] he also doesn’t appear super close with anyone outside of Marlon and possibly Violet, but even then. 

Marlon’s shown to have little faith in him with the way he talks about if Louis will even show up to hunt. He has a controlling grip on Louis that’s prominent during the confrontation scene when he uses intimidation to try to convince Louis to not interfere. Oh, and there’s the fact that Marlon’s been lying to Louis for the past year about the twins and then continued to lie to his face about what really happened to Brody... which isn’t great when you consider how Louis was the only one who had blind faith in him as a leader and, according to Marlon, was the only one who couldn’t see how pathetic he always was. 

Violet, while having a few more nicer moments with him than Marlon, still invalidates him and his feelings several times throughout the first half of the game which makes me wonder how close they ever were, or at least if Violet ever considered him a close friend to begin with. And no, a small monologue in the dorms doesn’t make everything better or confirm they were brotp the whole time... especially when once they’re on the boat, Louis might as well not exist because Violet can’t be bothered to acknowledge what happened to him or inquire about how he’s doing. I guess she just didn’t have time react while standing in her cell for several unbothered minutes-- no wait, it’s she already reacted off screen. Right. Good writing is good.

What I’m getting at here is that even though Louis is surrounded by people who he genuinely cares about, there is an argument to be made that he’s a lonely person. Hell, he’s aware of his loneliness when he says that no one hears past his music and jokes. I mean, how many nights do you think he spent by himself playing the piano because no one wanted to hear it? Are they like Violet and crack jokes about how he doesn’t have actual talent? Probably, given that someone literally carved “you suck at playing” onto the side of the damn piano. 

Oh, and let’s touch on that backstory of his. Louis grew up wealthy with two parents who loved him and each other, and they gave him anything he wanted except singing lessons. Louis says he wanted to be a real musician. But I guess his father didn’t like that idea and told him no, with the [as Louis puts it] dumb dad lesson of, “You get to be happy, or you get to be rich, can’t be both.” ...which is interesting given that Louis and his family were stupid rich but also.... were they not happy? well, that doesn’t make sense because little Louis knew that if he broke up their marriage, they would be hurt. 

So yeah, Louis was so upset that his father continually refused to let him take singing lessons that he broke into the man’s credit cards and faked an affair, which led to his parents divorcing... and then he spit his father’s words back in his face. 

Then they dumped him at Ericson. And the walkers came. 

There’s so much to unpack from the story he tells that it could be it’s own analysis, but basically.... Louis is aware of why what he did was fucked up, and he carries it with him every day. 

He regrets what he did, chews himself out for being such a “vindictive fuckhead” [and the amount of force used in that line tells you a lot, like how it’s not the first time he’s chastised himself like this] and he admits that he doesn’t even know the person he’s talking about. Yet, he still sees himself as bad, saying that they [I assume the staff] told him and the other kids they’re bad people. I don’t doubt that Louis internalized that which played a huge role in the confidence and self-esteem issues he has during tfs. 

Anyway, I’ll come back to this later, but when you take that amount of guilt and regret, and mix it with the fact that they dropped him off at this school that was supposed to make him better.... then the walkers came and those teachers, staff, and headmaster? Gone. Left a bunch of kids to fend for themselves, with the exception of Ms. Martin [but given how she looks when we find her I doubt she lasted that long] and I cannot imagine how horrifying that was for all of them. The dead are up eating people, and if you die you become one of them... and the people you thought you could rely on just fucking left you to die at this school. 

Every kid in that school has trauma and abandonment issues from before and after the world went to shit, every last one, and Louis isn’t the exception here. Over the years, a lot of kids died and they’ve all seen horrible shit. They all knew they were never going to see their families again, and as far as we know, no one came to get their kids at the beginning. They had to find ways of coping while trying to survive, and all they had left was each other. 

Louis copes with music and games and jokes. He’s built up this persona where it seems like he’s unaffected by the comments the others make, that the death and suffering he’s gone through is in the past, that he is confident and open to those around him.

But then Clementine and AJ show up, and Louis grows close with both of them. They had immediate chemistry upon first meeting, he was the one who looked after AJ since it seems like everyone else saw him as a little terror, and he went out of his way to be kind and make them comfortable. 

When they go hunting with him, Louis and Clementine have a moment after taking care of the walker where they lower their guards a bit-- Louis gives her more in-depth reasons for his views of survival, and going off her expression, it gets to her and makes her think.... but they’ve know each other a day and he’s not quick to infodump his life story or let her in, so he cuts the conversation short.

Then we have the Marlon confrontation scene that I have gone over so many times in the past. I won’t dillydally with it too long but..... Clementine appeals to Louis, who curls in on himself because of the control Marlon has on him. He wants to help, and hell, he knows this is wrong but he’s so used to not getting involved that he gets defensive.... plus, he’s known Clementine for two days, and he’s known Marlon for 8+ years.... he wants to believe Marlon but you can tell he doesn’t want this, either. It takes Clementine talking to him to give him courage to stand between her and Marlon’s gun and it’s a lot.

AJ shoots Marlon and everything goes to shit, and Louis is a goddamn mess. His best friend was murderer right in front of him, so add that to the trauma list, and he’s overwhelmed with all these feelings that again.... they keep getting invalidated by Violet because “Marlon was a liar and murderer, therefore you shouldn’t feel bad about his death. Get over yourself, Louis, you can be such a shithead sometimes.” 

Oh yeah Vi, I guess he should care more about two people he’s known for a total of two days rather than for the safety of the people [including you] he’s grown up with and cared about for 8+ years.... makes sense. 

So yeah, little to no support during this time. Alone again. 

And just because I have to make this clear so no one gets a hair up their ass-- both Louis and Violet are wrong here. Kicking them out isn’t the solution, but neither is acting like AJ was right to commit murder just because it was Marlon.

 But plots gotta plot, so they get voted out and you can see that Louis is conflicted about the whole thing. He wants them gone, but at the same time, he knows what kicking them out means. You can see it on his face that he’s not okay with kicking them out. He’s hurting when he’s there in the dorms telling them how the vote went... he literally doesn’t know what else to do. He just knows that everything hurts, Clem and AJ caused it, and he wants the pain to stop. He even tries to justify it to himself by figuring that they’ve done this before so they’ll be fine. Not a great thing to say, Lou. 

Anyway, we know the story, Clem and AJ come back and Louis once again sees the consequences of acting out of pain.... AJ is shot because Louis was hurt and he made a bad decision that he’s gotta live with.... something that he’s done before, and this affirms to him that he’s bad. He wishes he could take it back, and goes as far as to admit that to Clementine during the archery scene. 

By the way, credit to him for his apology to her. It’s rare in these games that Clem gets a genuine apology from someone who hurt her and doesn’t turn around to repeat the hurtful behavior, y’know? Plus, I can think of plenty of characters who owed Clem an apology in the past or if they did apologize, it was half-assed. 

You can feel how conflicted he is with this whole thing-- learning who Marlon really was and what he did, feeling something for Clementine before everything went down and not knowing how to handle those feelings afterward, caring about AJ and understanding why he thought shooting was the best choice but still hurting that his friend is dead.... 

And the thing is.... Louis forgives her for so much, as she does him, and through all of that bullshit, they manage to develop that strong connection that turns romantic. Louis lets himself be fully vulnerable with her and is honest about his feelings, how she listened when no one else did and seeing him for more than just the persona he put on. 

This works on Clementine’s side, too. Clementine has been through her own fair share of bullshit-- trauma, abandonment, loss, injury, you name it. She’s made mistakes, done terrible things, and has been in enough groups to know that romance usually ends in heartbreak.... and yet, she’s willing to open herself up to Louis and admit she feels a lot for him. 

Is it a little rushed? Yep. Could it have been handled better? Of course, most things this season could’ve, but what we got was pretty good. 

So Clementine and Louis are romantically involved now, the raiders attack, and she saves him... and boy does Louis feel guilty about that one, too. He feels bad enough that he questions why she would pick him because he can’t fathom his life being worth saving over another’s. He doesn’t see himself as useful, and even though Clementine is literally his girlfriend at this point, his self-esteem is so all over the place that he can’t understand why she would have him at her side. 

And when Clementine tells him that he’s too important to her, he’s too baffled to even give a response. He looks at her in disbelief like he wasn’t expecting her to say that.  But this shows that at the beginning of their relationship, he still doubts himself, and through her working with him, he begins to build up that strength in himself. 

He becomes brave enough to share what got him sent to the school with her, and he plays Don’t Be Afraid for everyone at the party and like.... for once, everyone is listening to him. Really listening to him. They’re not talking shit about his musical skills, they’re not ignoring him or the feelings he’s putting into the song, they’re sitting there with him and I just..... if you watch him, you can see that his eyes get pretty glossy throughout the song. The moment meant something to everyone. 

There’s also the fact that Clementine asked him to come with her and AJ onto the boat, and to be the one in charge of the bomb... that’s a huge responsibly and he feels the pressure of that. He starts to panic a bit about if he can do it, because what if he fucks up? What if he gets them caught and makes everything worse? What if something happens to Clementine and he can’t do anything about it? 

She’s there to reassure him that she believes in him, and that he can do this. They’re going to get everyone back, and he needs to focus... then he asks her to slap him which why would you? that’s dumb, so Clementine smooches him instead and like.... he physically relaxes into her because he’s comfortable and trusts her in this situation. 

Also, he loves her and cares about this mission enough to cover himself and his fancy jacket in walker guts.... sure, he complains while doing so but how else is he gonna cope with rubbing rotten guts on himself to blend in with a herd of walkers? 

Skipping ahead so that we’re not here all day, I wanna talk about the walk back to the school because it’s one of the most important clouis moments in the game and a huge reason that solidifies why the comic is bullshit.

Louis went off on his own to go out and find them. He didn’t know where they would be, he just knew that he had to go out and find them after making sure everyone was okay back at the school because he couldn’t bare the thought that he had lost them. And the way the AJ gets so excited to see him? and the group hug??

At this point, Louis has grown so much as a character. With Clementine by his side to support him, he’s grown stronger and more reliable. Remember how he never thought about the future? Well, now he is because his relationship with Clementine has given him a reason to long for a future. He talks about building this imaginary house with her, one he knows they can’t physically build... but it’s his way of saying we can build a home together, that he wants a future with her and AJ and everyone else. It’s such a personal conversation that flows so easy between them. Louis is more comfortable talking to her about things from his past, which is something he didn’t want to do back in ep1. 

He confides in her how he’s feeling after he shot and killed Dorian, he tells her that having a home means protecting it and I just.... it’s so good, okay? And from Clementine’s side, you can feel how at ease she is with him, too. Just the way she smiles at him as they’re walking? like he’s the cutest thing and she’s so happy to have him with her? 

But then we gotta deal with Minerva’s crazy ass on the bridge and well, AJ shoots Tenn and Louis is having flashbacks to Marlon and it’s not great. That’s a whole thing, and he ends up separated from them while escaping.

We don’t get to see Louis’ reaction to Clementine getting bit and losing her leg since I guess that puts a damper on the overly happy ending. But, going off of what we know about him and what I’ve explained [which isn’t even all of it, this isn’t a full Louis character analysis. if it was, it would be much longer and in multiple parts... believe it or not, I’m trying to not make this too long and only sorta failing...] we can get an idea of how he would react. 

Um, to say he was upset is an understatement.

Because remember, he had no time to think and climbed over the fence, thinking he could get them to climb over and they could get away, but it didn’t work. He ended up leaving them in order to save himself since walkers were closing in on him.

But you know that he’d blame himself for the bite. A lot of, “if I had just stayed” and “I should’ve climbed back over, I should’ve stayed with you.” I’m sure there were points where it looked like Clem wouldn’t make it and I can’t imagine how much hurt he went through watching her suffer and heal from losing a leg like that. 

Not only that, but knowing that AJ was the one to do it? And him thinking about what Clem’s death would do to AJ after all this? There isn’t a doubt in my mind that Louis would take care of AJ if she died. He cares about AJ, and he loves Clementine, so he be there for both of them, even if he’s still hurting from Tenn’s death. 

However, Clementine didn’t die. She survived the bite and amputation, and when we flashforward, she and Louis are still happily together. Louis is right there next to her at dinner, and he’s the one to help her with her crutches. He’s there to go over future plans to meet the traveling caravan, and Clementine wants him to be the one to go. 

Oh, and Louis once again forgives AJ for shooting Tenn, claiming that he understands that AJ saw something that he couldn’t. Like with Marlon, he’s not happy Tenn’s dead but he can see why AJ did it to save his life. 

I just..... happy ending. Clementine and Louis are together and she’s truly happy to have found a home for her and AJ with him at Ericson. 

....But then the comic thought it would be fun to say “nah.” 

The comic isn’t canon, I’m still insulted that it would ever consider itself as such, but even so I can’t help but feel so frustrated about how this would destroy Louis. 

He finally found someone he would consider his best friend, not just his girlfriend. She saw past that funny man persona and he trusted her enough to let her past this wall he built around himself. He let himself become vulnerable around her, he named his song after her. Their initials are carved into his piano with a heart surrounding them. He loved her. 

Clementine left him feeling loved, something he probably hasn’t truly felt since he was a little boy with his parents before their divorce. She loved him even after hearing his past because she knew that wasn’t him anymore, and she helped him build the confidence he needed to step up. Because of Clementine, Louis wants to enjoy every day while also looking at the future. He isn’t lonely anymore, he has her and AJ. He’s truly happy.

So to tell me that Louis would wake up one morning only to have AJ tell him that Clementine’s gone, she’ been planning an escape without telling anyone because she wasn’t happy...? I’m sorry, but if you think that wouldn’t leave Louis absolutely devastated, then you know nothing about him as a character. 

This idea is just.... look, Louis is perceptive. That’s a big part of his character, he’s perceptive of those around him. If Clementine was showing signs of being unhappy or depression, he would see it. He would notice a change. He would be able to tell if something was off, and he would ask her about it. Louis is the type of person to ask you what you need. What can he do to help? What do you need to feel better? And if you don’t know, it’s okay, he’ll help you figure it out in any way possible. 

Plus, the comic suggests that there are times where she went off on her own but came back [probably doing her escape prep ugh] and you expect me to believe that Louis wouldn’t notice that or wonder what she’s doing? Wouldn’t sense that something’s going on? 

After she’s gone, he’s going to blame himself for not being enough. He couldn’t make her happy and he was a fool to think he ever could. AJ lost the only family he’s known since he was born because Louis couldn’t help her, couldn’t do anything to stop her from leaving. 

And for him to realize that she didn’t love him? Clementine, the girl he thought the world of because of how strong and confident and in-charge she was, because she saw him for who he was..... she left him, abandoned him... and she couldn’t even be bothered with a goodbye.... that says that she didn’t care all that much about him in the end.

You KNOW that he would think he had this coming, too. How could the universe allow him to fall in love and be happy with someone who loved him back after what he did to his parents? He would feel so heartbroken that he would see this as some sort of karma for breaking up his parents happy marriage as a kid years before he ever met Clementine and before the apocalypse.

I fucking can’t.... I don’t have the words to fully explain how much I hate this. Louis wouldn’t be okay afterward, and I doubt he’d ever fully recover. I wasn’t joking when I mentioned before that Louis would stop playing piano. How could he sit there and play when I he can see is their initials and remember the night she confessed to him? When he named his song after her? Clementine left and took the music with her because Louis wouldn’t have it in him... something that he used to cope would be ruined and that’s just.... it’s fucking awful. 

Not only that, but now he has AJ who I assume is hurting just as much [though the comics inaccurately assume he would just let Clem go sooo... yeah] and he would be the only one Louis would really talk to about it, but then again.... what if AJ doesn’t wanna talk about it? What if AJ starts to act out and things just become terrible and Louis is just too overwhelmed? 

I just.... UGH. That’s how I feel. UGH. 

Clementine from the comic? Not her. She would never fucking do this to Louis, AJ, or anyone else at Ericson, and you would know that if you played the tfs. 

Sigh.... sorry, I just needed to get this all out. I haven’t seen anyone talk about how Clem leaving would affect Louis and I’ve gotten some asks/come across some posts about Louis that have left me incredibly annoyed.... well, I was annoyed before because of the comics, so my annoyances with those things were only heightened. So yeah... I wanted to talk about Louis’ character in hopes of explaining why he would be so hurt if this comic was canon. 

Which it’s not. So it’s fine. 

How are we all feelin’ at this point, by the way? I know I’m not the only one still annoyed with the comic, so I hope y’all are doin’ okay. Hope you’re stayin’ chill and thinking about your faves to help cope with this mess hahaha

[sl-walker]

(Which is an interesting idea. Somehow, despite what is literally DNA differences and wildly divergent life experience, somehow you still have the same person. Are we talking mind? soul? Something else that defines the essence of self. The how, and why … I wonder what their philosophers and priests and poets have to say about it?)

I guess, if we’d go with what Len McCoy said in Balance of Terror, they wouldn’t be the same person.  Same name, yes, maybe similar backstory, or maybe not, or who knows?  But each unique.  (I have always loved that quote):

"In this galaxy, there's a mathematical probability of three million Earth-type planets. And in all of the universe, three million million galaxies like this. And in all of that -- and perhaps more, only one of each of us."

XD  Philosophy, Old Country Doctor style.

So anyway, back to brass tacks.  I know I place TOS!Scotty taking over as Chief right before his thirty-fourth birthday, so think February 2256.  So yeah, that tracks.  Whereas AOS!Scotty didn’t get there until 2258 because he was marooned on ice planet hell and also had a whole different set of challenges to overcome.  And also didn’t have Chris Pike in his corner, who is a pretty damn formidable guy to be willing to go to bat for you.

(Like-- I’m fucking DKWLjhzdlkfh about your having AOS!Scotty’s characterization in XI be in a manic episode because oh my god, that makes so much sense.  Oh my god.  Like even that RPer back in ‘09 didn’t go that route, but holy shit, that makes so much sense, I am like--

--at you right now because you just took something that irritated the hell out of me and not only made it make sense, but made it brilliantly interesting.  But back on track.)

See, the thing is, I actually do have TOS!Scotty being more deeply bonded to Pike’s senior staff than he is later on with Kirk’s.  LOL!  Because he and Spock are the kids, basically.  Like before Jim “So Brilliant He’s The Youngest Captain Ever” Kirk comes along, being a department head in your twenties or early thirties of a ship that’s as Big Deal as the Enterprise is pretty damn rare, so I think that those two were-- I guess watched over more?  Expected to perform, but with an eye kept on the weight they had on them when they were still pretty young to be carrying it.  (I also have Opinions on how much damage that probably did to Jim Kirk’s mental health, tbh, but this is not the place for that.)

And like even then, Scotty wouldn’t call them friends, but he absolutely does respect, professionally trust and -- I venture -- even love them.  So he and his AOS counterpart at that age aren’t actually that different!  Which is pretty damn nifty.  It’s just a different crew dynamic entirely, is all.  And the bonding is a different kind of bonding.

(Okay, but how would AOS!Scotty have responded to Pike’s crew, do you think?  Just as speculation?  How would they have responded to him, in turn?  Like, Phil is super fucking sharp all on his own.  How would that have gone?  If you wanna tell me, I mean. XD)

AOS Scotty is, on the screen, more actual fuckup than TOS Scotty is. He can do amazing, groundbreaking things (three people beamed in from multiple places! Let’s escape a singularity! I’m going to look at an equation for less than half a second and immediately grasp its full implications!) And then he beams people onto a bridge instead of a cargo bay, ooops. Loses the dog. Overconfidence leading to mistakes, including derailing his career.

You mention this later, too: AOS!Scotty being more the educated/credentialed one, and oh man, absolutely. The more cerebral one, too, by no small amount. Because that actually makes perfect sense, too. TOS!Scotty, as I write it later in canon, did write a good chunk of the transwarp transportation theory, but he did it as a fucking lark. Like, he didn't come up with these genius, impossible mathematics in a half-second, he toyed with it for years, occasionally bouncing it off of Spock, but never actually was serious about it becoming an applicable, workable use of the technology because he firmly believed it would never be able to be brought to the kind of safety standards he'd need it to be to ever use it on living things. He mostly did it just to stretch his brain on it, kind of a "huh, but what if...?" but never successfully reached the conclusion; presumably it was Spock who finished it, or indeed handed it to AOS!Scotty who unwittingly finished it. LOL! Because tbh, if Scotty had finished it by in the TNG era, we woulda seen it used in his timeline.

I know, digression slightly but not entirely, since it comes up later.

Anyway, you can definitely see where like-- AOS!Scotty has all that genius, but where it's so tangled up with his emotional issues and actual messed-up brain mechanics that he could sabotage himself despite being brilliant. And this is interesting to me, especially, because--

Okay, so let me go more into what you've got next and I'll try to explain what I'm seeing in some coherent fashion without sounding a bit manic myself.

And the alcohol. Got to back up on that question into some headcannon backstory. In my backstory of AOS Scotty, there was every chance that he was headed into the abusive childhood of TOS Scotty. His mother was a severely bipolar, severely drug addicted person, who had a son and daughter with men who she couldn’t have pointed out if they walked past her on the street. (To the ‘TOS and AOS are half brothers’ point.) Whether in kindness or despair or indifference, she dropped them off with their grandmother, her mother, and it changes the course of his life. (AOS Scotty tells this entire story about his ‘wee granny,’ which is 100% more than TOS Scotty ever says about his family.)

Okay, this is all just like candy to me, no joke. One, because I have never bought that the 23rd century doesn't have a dark underbelly, even if I do believe it's a more optimistic time and a kinder one than ours. Two, because you're right, that could have gotten ugly. And did get ugly, in no small way, just not in the same ways?

It's fascinating to me because Cait Scott was-- like, a mess. Could she be diagnosed as mentally ill? Maybe, yeah. I mean, she basically had two kids but didn't have a lick of maternal instinct or even a real desire to be a mother. Did she love Montgomery? Yes. Did she also kind of view him as an extension of her rather than as his own person? Yes. Did she expect him to pretty much conduct himself like a tiny adult? Also yes. Did she know her husband was beating the kid when he was drunk enough? --It's never confirmed, but I think she at least suspected it, but didn't want to believe it.

What I mean is, it's no trouble for me to imagine some universe, in some other circumstances, she could very well have ended up exactly as AOS!Scotty's mother did. I mean, in AotW's timeline, TOS!Scotty's the son of an affair she went ahead with, no guilt or remorse whatsoever for it. So, like, it makes sense to me?

So she stabilizes his childhood, although I suspect there is a sense of abandonment in him. His Granny loves him. Does she dote on him? Probably. However, she is also the person who badly failed her daughter. She tells herself she won’t fail her grandson. She’s strict. No messing around doing whatever frivolous/destructive thing that sucked her daughter in. He gets the best education. (He is pretty clearly more academic than TOS Scotty. Not smarter; they have equal minds. Just more credentials.)

Okay, back at this, and I agree so damn much. Because in the TOS timeline, Scotty's pretty obviously a mechanical engineering genius. He's plenty capable of high concept stuff, but where AOS!Scotty is in university doing groundbreaking stuff at sixteen (and I'll bet its like theoretical physics kinda groundbreaking), TOS!Scotty's in a fucking junkyard cobbling together field generators to test Perera's Theory. Because he's absolutely smart enough to understand Perera's Theory and sense something wrong with it, but his answer is to build a way to test it.

I'm like--

So it makes perfect sense because TOS!Scotty's the dude who says, "Push that button and poof!" He doesn't technobabble. He does get his hands involved in everything. He sends himself to do the physical work of things just as often as he does any of his people. Even in Relics, he's talking about pressure variances in IRC tank storage, which is again tangible mechanics.

What I mean is, it makes total sense that AOS!Scotty would have a wall of credentials in various high-discipline fields and TOS!Scotty would have blueprints in an antique map cabinet. It makes total sense that AOS!Scotty would see the work TOS!Scotty did on transwarp beaming -- over years -- and be able to put it together in seconds or less, while TOS!Scotty still carries his handtool in his mouth when he's only got two hands, needs three and is going to fix things in an access crawlway. You know?

And not to say that AOS!Scotty doesn't have mechanical genius, or that TOS!Scotty isn't capable of high theory, but their natural inclinations are so delightfully self-evident. One's probably the darling at the University of Edinburgh until things start spinning out of control on him, and the other is taking part time classes at the University of Aberdeen and wrenching on the side as a common mechanic in a salvage yard.

I cannot get over how much I love that. That difference. The way it manifests. And also, kind of, the class differences?

Because like, from everything I'm gathering from your backstory, AOS!Scotty actually seems to come from a more working-class background. TOS!Scotty's family, OTOH, are all a bit higher up in the social strata. Both the Scotts and the Stuarts are old family names. (Maybe because they managed to hide their fucked-upedness better in that timeline, tbh.) And yet, AOS!Scotty is the highly educated guy brilliant enough that Starfleet will let him in even with his mental illness -- which like, is not something that usually happens in militaries or their close analogues! -- and TOS!Scotty almost defiantly pulls on coveralls and signs up for the military and ships off to Basic like every other essentially poor kid with few prospects, aside to indenture themselves to the government for a chance to escape, despite having a more genteel upbringing.

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but that's what I'm getting there?

So he’s at the University of Edinburgh when he’s 16, doing groundbreaking things … just at the age when his mother’s demons become his.

Oh man. One, that's wrenching because yeah, that would be terrifying? What was the catalyst, if there was one? An event? Or just the combination of stress, hormones and a predisposition to bipolar disorder? Also, how did it first manifest? Do you go into that anywhere, or can I beg for more about that?

Two, because geez, he already had to kind of be trying to outrun that so damn hard, and to have it catch him. :( Ouch.

Here’s this poor kid, who doesn’t know what’s happening to him, who is terrified of failing his Granny. Who knows about his mother, but doesn’t know her … but is terrified of becoming her. And he discovers that he can level out (or it feels that way) with alcohol and drugs. That poor damn kid, who undoubtedly has a massive, multi-faceted crisis at about 17 years old.

God, right? Do you go into that, too? If you don't and I beg, would you? How does he get help? Or does someone intervene? If they do intervene, is he relieved or resistant? (Tell me to shove off if I'm asking too many questions. >.>)

In my opinion, although without textual support beyond just a better ease with people, TOS Scotty‘s romantic dumbassery doesn’t carry over to AOS Scotty. AOS Scotty is very aware of the emotions going on around him. So he’s good at people, at least on the surface. AOS Scotty will be the life of a party and end up in someone’s bed to finish off the evening. Actual fuckup is present again, however. The real guy is a gallant sweetheart. (TOS Scotty, obvious. For AOS Scotty, he is entirely gentle with Jaylah in Beyond. Nothing romantic there, but even though she is the badass ninja-type, he’s watching out for her battered heart.) I strongly suspect that the masking guy, or the struggling-with-mental-health guy uses unconnected sex like he uses alcohol, which is to say, unhealthily. (To say nothing of dangerous/destructive sex as a symptom during a manic episode.)

Another point in the 'makes total sense' department. BUT! As a hopefully interesting digression, I have toyed with (in bullet points so far, but maybe someday I'll write some of it) a timeline where Jay McMillan fesses up to fifteen/sixteen-year-old Montgomery. And, of course, the boy does not cope well because-- who the fuck could blame him? "Oh, so you're my actual biological father, you knew this whole time, they knew this whole time, and I had to live through all of this and only now you're telling me--?!"

So, he just vanishes. Runs away. Distressed to say the least, probably also very angry, probably rather devastated. Very Not Okay. And vanishing in that era is not an easy thing to get away with, but if any lad's clever enough to, it's that one. He manages to stay off the radar, but you can't exactly get away with being a runaway minor solo in that timeline without getting caught quickly, so he does learn some social skills. He learns how to make allies, at the least; friends, even. He learns how to people much better because his survival depends on it.

He also absolutely learns how to use sex as a survival tool, too, because even in that century, there are people who'd exchange, say, food/clothing/shelter for sex even with a very obvious minor. (He also views his body quite a lot like his mirror does post-capture, in terms of sex-as-currency; he's surprisingly like-- cold? Probably not the word. But-- transactional? Unsentimental? About it.)

Anyway, he does manage to stay off the books until he comes of age and then sets up in Glasgow as a pretty successful mechanic and lead singer in a garage band. XD There's more there, but that was the relevant stuff. LOL!

So that is another interesting parallel/divergence thing that caught my attention. That they both are definitely capable of using sex as a tool, whatever the ultimate goal.

(I do hope you have the time/inclination to read my long story, because this is a huge part of what I explore. And midway through, he makes a particular decision that I’m honestly kind of dying to talk with you about—would TOS Scotty do the same? I go back and forth. It’s a decision 70,000 words in the making, and I won’t spoil it in case you’re going to read it, but if you’re pretty sure you’re not I’ll give you the TL;DR 😆)

Oh, like I said, I am so there. Like, I am itching to and literally the only reason I'm not already 70K into reading it is because I want to take my time on it, both for the sake of rambling to you and also for the sake of giving myself something to look forward to every day. XD

I don’t think I’d be able to interpret AOS Scotty in that direction if it wasn’t present, at least as a possibility, in TOS Scotty. That way he starts to unravel. The propensity is there. It doesn’t fully manifest in TOS Scotty, but he’d recognize it for sure.

Oh, absolutely. There are times he absolutely acts manic onscreen. And as to depression: Why the hell else would that man go to a retirement colony? I mean. I don't even mean retirement in general, that's a perfectly sensible thing, but the old folks home?? There's something fucked up going on there. (Yes, I do know what.)

But that undercurrent of rage? The guy who is genuinely terrifying when he suggests to a Klingon that he might want to take it back? No. Which makes sense because there isn’t anything to fuel it.

I love that scene so much. That is a man who knows he's about to open a big can of whoop ass and is giving you precisely one chance to back the fuck up, and woe be to the person who doesn't take it.

But I think my favorite moment is that second backhand. Just-- that look in his eyes. And the follow-through on it. Though there are a few quite good ones in that fight. XD

I have got to go back and read some of the older stories again. They are so gorgeous, and it’s been a while. Expect me in your notes.

I would love it. I've done some cleanup work and some revision here or there. ONOW got absolutely worked over, since it was the first and needed the most; I also got to add that scene back in that I didn't have the courage or skill to write in originally. LOL!

Anyway, for another exceptionally long meta. >.> But hopefully, an enjoyable one, and also I am dying to know what more you might be willing to share. <3

Ok, you asked for it. Meta Part 1/1000. Who is Scotty?

For me, the biggest question is: how is it that in one universe, a person can be reservedly taciturn, and in the other, socially garrulous? The only answer I can come up with is that it isn’t a fundamental characteristic of self, it isn’t their nature, but a symptom of something else related to some differences in their lives.

Scotty in every universe has three layers: the mask, the damage, the actual person.

In TOS Scotty, the mask is that wall. Sure, he’s friendly enough, but most people don’t know him, and that is fine by him. He’ll give you the surface of himself, and you are going to think you know him, but it isn’t true. And that mask fits over the underlying damage that you have so aptly described in all your stories. The wolf, the survivor. (It gives him an iron backbone that, by the way, I think is missing in AOS Scotty.)

Then we have AOS Scotty. He’s openly gregarious, almost oversharing. He is good at reading people; in the movies he is reacting constantly to what people are feeling and thinking around him, actively tactile, touching them, reaching out, watching. I considered the possibility that he was just a non-trauma response Scotty, the way TOS Scotty might be with a gentler life, but I don’t think that’s true. My interpretation of AOS Scotty is in part informed by pretty much every significant Simon Pegg character: an easy going funny guy who is always masking mental illness, addiction, self-doubt, loneliness, even despair. But it isn’t just the actor. Textually, the broadly comic guy fades when he’s comfortable.

So he’s masking too. What is he masking? What coping technique is reading people that closely for? What is he using humor to cover, what doesn’t he want people poking? It’s not trauma; trauma would send him in TOS Scotty direction—because that’s how Scotty reacts to trauma.

After watching him, I’m convinced he has significant mental illness going on. They both clearly struggle with depression, but the first time we meet AOS Scotty he tells us this genuinely insane story about the dog and the transporter which is entirely about overconfidence, euphoric energy, a feeling of invincibility, lack of impulse control … it’s a manic episode. (Which, honest to god, I also think he has going throughout the entirety of the first movie.) He tells the story for comedy, what’s he covering? That dog could have just as easily have been a person. AOS Scotty is afraid of himself, of hurting people. He’s reading people because he’s using them as a stand in for his own judgment, which he doesn’t trust. Am I out of control? Am I scaring you?

Now, in both of them the mask and the damage causes some additional issues that overlap, but also some things that may be actual self. They share some arguable negative traits. Self destructive fuckup? Yep. Obsessive, addictive. Someone who people don’t actually know because the real person is generally buried under the mask. Irritable and grumpy. Stubborn. Pushback when someone is being an idiot. Can get emotional and riled up. Is that because they are masking and damaged, or is that part of who they are?

I’m convinced that the real person, underneath everything, is fundamentally the same in both universes. The sweetheart. Brilliant, serious. The reasonably-natural leader. (TOS Scotty is frequently badass; AOS Scotty takes control of the engineering deck instantly, with zero authority.) Prefers order but will let it go if he has to. Develops unusual relationships that aren’t easily classified. Lights up the room when he is genuinely happy. Drops truth bombs that people don’t always want to hear.

What do you think? The guy who won’t speak two words is the same person as the chatterbox who won’t shut up. Why?

I have put a TL;DR at the bottom as an apology for the length of this. >.>

Okay, so-- bearing in mind that everything I know about the AOS versions I've learned second-hand, either via that one spectacular RPer back in '09 or now you, and that I am an Opinionated Person--

My answer is that it was always a parallel universe, never a branch off. That Spock accidentally followed Nero sideways into an already-existent parallel, that they weren't creating something new, but interfering with something already there. That's legitimately the only way it makes sense to me; not only in terms of like actual characterization, but also in universal aesthetics. Jim Kirk having blue eyes, while Len McCoy has hazel, stuff like that. Apple store versus actual deep sea submarine. Cornfields versus geosynch orbit over San Fran. XD

It's always been, for me, that Pegg's Scotty is such a vastly different critter from Doohan's that I can't honestly ever see them having been the same person even in the past. And I think some of that is nature, and no small amount of that is nurture (or different kinds of lack thereof), and then just different formative experiences, too.

So, I've always operated on the theory that they're actually genetically half-brothers, because that does make actual perfect sense to me; that can also explain why I can see more easily where AOS Scotty could be related to Peter Preston (a fair-haired kid with lighter hazel eyes from what I can tell) whereas TOS Scotty is a bit more of a stretch there.

And that also means some variations on hows and how nots.

God, I dunno whether I should beg forgiveness or not for the length and rambling nature of this, but here goes:

All right, so I definitely write AotW with the aim of it being perfectly dovetailed to TOS canon (before Disco and SNW, though if they come up with something excellent that fits, I'll gleefully add it in), all the way to Relics (and beyond), occasionally yoinking a plot or two I like from the novels, or some other incidental and then asking lots and lots of deep questions. Like, "Excuse me, what was up with [insert event] at this [insert timestamp] that had that particular expression on your face?" and then writing, I dunno, 10K of backstory for it. LOL! OR, my god, this whole storyline was because I was chin-handing at Scotty (as one does or should) going, "But why did you buy a boat for retirement?" And then like, twenty-one years later, I've answered that one, but asked about a thousand more.

Digression aside, though. So, going on TOS canon, my take on the facets (caveat emptor, caveat lector):

1.) The mask he wears: Made of stereotypes and assumptions made by other people which he just doesn't correct or offer anything deeper to. Largely self-protective. He doesn't want to get too close to his crewmates, not because he doesn't care about them -- he very much does! -- but partly because personal trust does not come anything like naturally to him, it generally has to be earned and the only one I think who earned even some of that is Spock by that point.

But also partly because Scotty's already deep into his career? He's at the age where most career officers can retire, whether they choose to or not. Hell, he reached that age before Jim Kirk even took over. He's five years older than McCoy, and most of a decade or more older than the rest. So, he's already climbed to the peak of where he dearly wanted his career to go (Enterprise's Chief, Pike's Chief) and is actually, seriously contemplating retirement. Starfleet's changing around him some, he has definitely Been Through Some Shit, he has a family he wants to go back home to. Like, despite loving the Enterprise, and considering her half of his home, she's not all of it, and he does want to watch nieces and nephews grow up, he does want to try his hand at teaching on a larger scale, and hell, maybe he'll find a lad or lass who can live with him. (There are reasons he doesn't ultimately retire, but we won't get into those here.)

So, allowing himself to get too personally attached to his crewmates is a recipe for being kept in service past when he wants to be. It also, in my timeline, is because he lost one crew very traumatically and has lost crewmates otherwise, and loving people just so they can die on him trips allllll over his abandonment issues anyway. So, easier to keep them at arms length, care for them, protect them (even with his life), but never let them have pieces of himself that there's no getting back.

I think the mask is even more opaque in the movie era, too.

2.) Actual fuckup: Surprisingly not as much in evidence in TOS-era canon as one might expect. He only gets drunk onscreen once, and even then he wasn't doing it for fun, he was doing it for a purpose. I tend to write him with Jimmy in mind, who definitely drank (and got hammered), but who also regularly quit for long periods of time just to prove to himself that he wasn't his alcoholic father. At least in my stuff, in the TOS era and before it, Scotty only gets absolutely trashed when he's happy; he knows better than to drink when he's upset, so he doesn't. He doesn't like where his mind goes otherwise. And he knows what that can lead to, too.

There's a line in Torn that always sort of sticks with me:

He didn't like to fight, not like that. Not verbally, not physically. If confrontation could be avoided, Scott avoided it -- he didn't like the sick feeling that came with that kind of anger, the kind that boiled. He hated that feeling, knew too well what it could lead to if you got to like it too much. If you're too good at something and you like it too much, you'll do it. He didn't like it, but it seemed like he was always doing it anyway.

That kinda goes double for alcohol. So, he drinks on screen, but he's only shitfaced once in TOS, and even then under other circumstances. He drinks in the movie era, too, but I think we only see him mildly tossed in VI. And then Relics, but who the hell could blame him? (I personally think he drank as self-medication occasionally by then, hence me writing What Is Late. McCoy does get to see behind the mask, but -- tellingly -- can't actually do anything with what he can see to help in the deep ways that are needed there.)

So, the other actual fucking-up is mostly in crushing on exactly the wrong kind of people (women who need/want something he's just not) and losing his head trying to uphold a chivalrous ideal, only to land firmly on his face. Despite that dumbassery, though, he's not controlling or possessive, just protective and ridiculous.

I would label his propensity for being (a little frighteningly) willing to die in the line of duty under this, except I don't think that's actually much of a character flaw? Like, I don't think he devalues his life at least in that era? So much as it's just how he's wired. There's a scene I don't know if you've read, that I originally conceived of when I was first writing ONOW, believe it or not, but didn't have the nerve to write back then. Or the skill, honestly. Fairly shortly after Corry pulls Scotty out of the ocean. And I only just added it back when I did the most recent workover of that novel, and it kinda goes into it some:

Cor was gone when he woke up the time after, what felt like a fair piece of time after; he thought he was maybe delirious when he found himself looking at Sean Kelley, sitting with the chair back at the table.

“They’re pack animals, you know. Family animals,” Sean said, hitching Corry’s blue blanket up tighter around his shoulders, after a moment where they just stared at one another. “Wolves, I mean. I grew up in Montana; at dusk, you could hear them singing.”

It wasn’t a non sequitur, exactly. It was more than Scotty knew how to process. He took a deep breath -- aware again of what that felt like -- and let it out; felt how much it weighed to do that, too. “‘M nae sure ye’re ‘ere,” he said, mouth not wanting to work right; still, it seemed necessary to let Sean know that he might not actually be real.

Sean didn’t seem to care whether he was real or not.  “World War III was the best thing for them,” he said. “Even though Colonel Green’s army devastated Bozeman. And Livingston. Even with the radiation. They didn’t have to survive so many of us anymore.” He closed his eyes; in the soft light of the cabin, his face was shining with tears. “We go and pick up a tray from a cafeteria, but they have to fight every day to eat. Or for space to live. For everything.” There was a beat, then he opened his eyes and said, “I jumped.”

Scotty still wasn’t sure he wasn’t dreaming -- or hallucinating -- Sean sitting there.  But he said, “Me too.” Solidarity for a feeling, he thought.

“I know.” Sean freed his arm from the blanket and scrubbed his forearm across his face, voice tight. “It’s terrifying, isn’t it?  I don’t know how to even-- say how horrible it was. How lonely. You know?”

Scotty thought about the black, growling mountains of water.  “Aye,” he said, closing his eyes again; if Sean was the product of delirium, it probably didn’t matter so much anyway.

Sean was quiet for a moment, then said, “No one jumped after me.”

It didn’t sound like a lament; more like a man putting some kind of realization together.

“I woulda.” Scotty didn’t need to think about it; whatever bad blood had existed between them before just didn’t seem important now.  But it wouldn’t have ever, he knew.  He would have jumped after Sean, or anyone else; it would have never occurred to him not to.

This was, though, the first time that he realized that.  He didn't know what that changed, if anything.

Sean made a sound like a laugh, if a laugh could be that fractured. “I know you would have. I would have jumped for you, too. I guess I kind of did, in a way. I guess we both kind of did.  But that’s not what I meant.”

There was no understanding that right now; there would have to be a time later for it. Scotty hummed back something of an acknowledgment, even as the rocking of the Lady Grey and the tenuous sensation of being warm and too heavy to move was pulling him away again.

Right at the edge of gone, he heard Sean say, “Now I know why they call you Wolf.”

And like, that says it. At least my take on it. It's not so much that he wants to die or even wants to hurt himself (though that man absolutely does have the capacity to be incredibly self-punishing if pushed the wrong way), it's that where he places his values sometimes is at odds with continuing to breathe. Even if he is a survivor. Maybe especially because he's a survivor.

So. Onto mental health.

(I absolutely want to pick your brain about AOS!Scotty being bipolar, because wow, that is awesome insight and also a very good explanation for what I thought was a ridiculous tale -- Archer's beagle -- and also like, psychology is my thing, and also like, there is some evidence that if you pushed him in the right ways, TOS!Scotty could have gone that same route, right?? So, like, anything you wanna talk about backstory wise there, please do. For real, I will beg even. What environmental factors were at play there? What of that is genetic?)

But anyway, by the time TOS starts, Scotty's got his headspace pretty well under control. Predisposed to depression (that's one of the many things that happens when you're traumatized as young as he was), has been on rock bottom in his life, but he's also learned a lot of coping mechanisms that would have worked, if he had actually gone and retired when he was planning to. They aren't perfect coping mechanisms, but they do the job.

He's confident and knows his ship, he worked for years under a Captain who not only elevated his career, but built him up in ways that meant he could be comfortable in the center chair, or when everything is going nuts, and he is less prone to reckless courage (but still brave down to his last cell), and like-- I personally think the peak of Scotty's career in Starfleet was before we ever see him in that red shirt for the first time. Because for the rest of the universe, his greatest contributions happened later. But as to him, as a person, as a man who has Been Through Some Shit, I think his highest points were between '56-'65. And I think serving on Kirk's Enterprise, and all the sometimes insane chaos there -- including him being possessed and used as a murder weapon, including him being killed -- started putting some very real cracks in that otherwise solid place he'd clawed for.

And I mean, Season 1 Scotty really is the rock. Steady and calm for the most part; when he does get agitated, it's not really that manic kind that happens much more frequently later. Season 2 Scotty Goes Through More Shit and you can start to see where it's doing a number on him. Season 3 Scotty is just-- like, you can tell he is Not Exactly Okay. He's still smart as hell and competent, but still Not Exactly Okay. Movie!era Scotty is the same, but instead of wearing the mask, he's started pretty much being the mask; when you see behind it is vanishingly rare. And he also still Goes Through More Shit.

So, we get to Actual!Scotty. You say:

I’m convinced that the real person, underneath everything, is fundamentally the same in both universes. The sweetheart. Brilliant, serious. The reasonably-natural leader. (TOS Scotty is frequently badass; AOS Scotty takes control of the engineering deck instantly, with zero authority.) Prefers order but will let it go if he has to. Develops unusual relationships that aren’t easily classified. Lights up the room when he is genuinely happy. Drops truth bombs that people don’t always want to hear.

Agreed. XD On every point, too.

I think, though, that one thing TOS!Scotty has that AOS!Scotty doesn't -- at least as I write him -- is the foundation of his own anger. He swallows a lot of it as a kid. He takes a lot of suffering without biting back, at least at first. (So did his actor.) But that doesn't mean that rage isn't down there simmering.

And like, you've read Forty-Eight (and Give and Take, etc), so obviously there comes a point where he stops tolerating it. That point, I think, is well before that, but before then, he's mostly avoiding and staying away from the things that have hurt him. It's not until his mother drops dead and he almost does and then he gets horribly triggered by circumstances no one intended to be triggers that he starts biting back.

When you told me that AOS!Scotty kind of slumped off devastated when Kirk 'fired' him, that was what really jumped out. Like I said there, that mental image: TOS!Scotty woulda absolutely been lit up hot and loaded both barrels and he wouldn't have gone to drink his sorrows away, he would have gone after Jim Kirk's throat even if he really liked the guy because no one -- no one -- is ever going to hand him a beating again where he'll lay under a fist. Not ever.

So-- I don't know if I've given any answers here, but that's where I think the big differences are:

TL;DR: Different men altogether from the jump because different universes. And TOS!Scotty got that fire and spine and ability to snap back because he once was a battered child with no advocate, and even if he swallowed that anger back then, it still existed and eventually came back, and ultimately even helped him become the absolute badass we see later.

So. XD Thoughts?

[creepytoes88]

His cumslut

Letting Vinnie do basically whatever he wants tends to benefit me more then most people might think. My best friends are always saying I’m gonna regret letting him go to whatever party or anyone's house. They say he’s a hypocrite because he always has tabs on where I'm at and who I'm with honesty it does get annoying at times but he can't help that he has trust issues. I knew what I was getting into when I said yes to being his girlfriend he has had a bad past with every girlfriend he's had, all of them have cheated and every girl he got with outside of a relationship just uses him. He was very clear on how he feels about unnecessarily revealing clothes “Wear what you want but if I have to kill a guy tonight I'm punishing you when we get home.”

A very common phase he uses but that's the worst of it I don't mind telling him who I'm with or where I am, I never ask him where he is because because I know he won't go looking around anywhere else. I've explained this to them a thousand times “Well tell us why your so confident he won't cheat” I blush slightly and shrug “YOU DO THIS EVERYTIME” I look down “it’s personal” they look at each other and laugh “tell us you prude” I chuckle slightly “promise no Judgement or making fun of me!” they both hold out their pinkeys and nod “wellllll...I let him do whatever he wants-” kay laughs “Yea we know” I look down “i mean anything” I slowly look back up “what he says goes.... Don't wear clothes for the rest of the week.....suddenly I'm busy all week” they look at me dumbfounded “of course there are exceptions but I let him have complete control with the sexual side of the relationship.” I say with a small smile “and he's good at it too” they look at each other and look back at me before busting out in laughter, “no wonder your not worried...your his sex slave” I tilt my head Vinnie had never used that term with me, I grew up with Vinnie me and him went to school together we weren't close till middle school we decided in freshman that we would be best as friends. The second week him and I were in LA we went to a party and ended up hooking up I was a virgin, and I thought it was gonna ruin everything but to my surprise, we just kept getting more and more serious.

After 5 months of living in the sway house, we moved out into our little house, our sex life completely changed when we no longer had people living with us. Vinnie told me his sexual dreams of having me whenever he damn well pleased and having me wear things he likes. Vinnie makes jokes about it but in real life I'm only allowed to call him Vinnie if we're in public inside the house his name is Daddy and that alone. The first time we had a fight in the house I called him by his name and he simply picked me up threw me over the couch, he edged me for hours when he finally let me release the power of it made me faint for a minute scaring the the absolute shit out of Vinnie. ”Honestly your not wrong...he’s never called me that but I guess your kinda right” they are quite for a second so I look at them “what” they look at each other before kay takes a deep breath “are you happy though, Outside of the sex he not controlling or pushy?” I smile “oh he's perfect and so sweet to me honestly I'm more worried of hurting his feelings.” I feel my phone vibrant and then Vinnie’s ring tone I answer quickly wondering why he didn't face time me or text me “hey bab-” I hear him breathing deeply “whats wrong?” I ask with worry “I really need you to head home now baby I’ve had a very long day and I need to release some tension.”

I feel shivers go down my spine and I feel myself already starting to get wet I let out a fake sigh “alright Vinnie if it’s that important I’ll be home in 10 minutes” hoping the girls won’t think it’s about something dirty. Vinnie lets out a chuckle “they are still giving you shit about me?” I laugh “I’ll be home soon I love you” I hung up and give the girls an apologetic face “girls I’m-“ they laugh and stand up “it’s okay Y/n we don’t want him to throw a tantrum because your not naked when you get there” I gasp turning around seeing their playful faces “you guys are ridiculous.” We all laugh as we go separate ways, I get in my car rushing home I want to beat him to the house so I can keep the plan of being naked. The second I step in the house I start stripping and then as I’m about to pull my skirt off I hear a door slam. I gasp and rush upstairs flinging my clothes off just leaving them there. I hear the Door open then slam shut I jump on the bed quickly, I place my head and chest against the bed my ass in the air. I spread my legs as far as possible trying to calm my breathing my heart is basically beating out of my chest as I wait for him patiently.

Vinnie's POV

I pull in to the house and shut off the car taking a deep breath ”Vinnie it's not Y/n’s fault that Justin is a dumbass” I say to myself getting out of the car I slam the door releasing as much anger as possible before going in the house to my beautiful wife to be. I will marry this woman she's everything I've ever wanted or needed but now isn't the time for marriage or at least that's what I keep telling myself walking in to the house and slamming that door too I am already kinda feeling better I'm still fucking pissed but I'm not raging anymore I toss my keys into the bowl and take off my shoes seeing hers just tossed to the side unlike usual. I walking into the living room to see her shirt and bra on the floor I smirk and walk up to the stairs seeing her skirt and her panties along with her socks right outside the closed door. “Hello my love-” I walk in to see her bent over with her ass in the air, her beautiful flower on full display along with her cute little button. The sight takes my breath away I can see her arousal dripping down her legs “well aren't you just the prettiest view.”

I see her wiggle her squishy cheeks making me laugh a little “wanna give Daddy a little dance show princess?” I was kidding but my baby never disappoints she immediately started to shake her butt to an imaginary song I watch with my mouth open a little I truly didn't know she was capable of dancing that way. I watch in awe as she began to make her ass clap (as one does💀) I grunt as I feel my dick become impossibly hard I began to take my clothes off as I pull down my boxers. My cock slaps against my lower stomach making my stomach twist I grab ahold of it watching as large amounts of pre-cum slip out. I swiping my tip letting out a little grunt, I hear her call my name I look up at her to see her look at me from between her legs “can I help?” she asks as she bites her lip. I immediately let go and I feel another large amount of pre-cum drip down my staff again making me blush slightly no one makes me as horny as she does.

Y/n’s POV

I jump up from my spot I roll off the bed dropping to my knees in front of him I take both my hands and intertwine them with his big warm hands. First I lick up the line of pre-cum that's made its way to his balls all the way back to his tip before sinking down till he hit the back of my throat. Vinnie lets out a gasp rocking his hips against my face pushing the rest of his cock down my throat a gag comes out as a result but I continue to bob my head and suck I pull my head off taking a breath or two before opening back up and taking him all the way till my nose is pushed against his naval. The prickly hair tickling my nose I let out a small giggle “Oh fuck what was that” Vinnie moans above me and he grabs the back of my head by my hair in a fist “I'm gonna fuck your throat baby are you ready?” I nod my head best I can with his thick and long cock stuffed in my throat and blocking my airway. He pulls back till his tip is almost out before thrusting back in a popping and gagging sound come from my throat and my eyes rolls to the back of my head. I never thought I would get so much pleasure from giving a man head in my life but something about his taste and the feeling of him stuffing my throat that I just can't get enough of. Once I spent a whole day just sucking his dick he came in my mouth and down my throat too many times to count I had a little stomach bulge after and it kinda looked like a food baby. I remember Vinnie asked if that meant I was technically carrying his children now I smile slightly at the memory but I'm brought back to reality when I hear him calling my name “oh fuckfuckfuck” he pushes his cock as far down my throat as possible “Shit Y/n fuck baby!” shooting a long, and hot load down my throat I grab his hips gargling my throat around his cock making him jump and try to pull away as he continues to cum down my throat. He succeeded in pulling out and the last little bit of cum landing on my tongue “mmmm Daddy you taste so good” I say licking my lips I use my finger to the the rest off my chin and off his tummy I look in his eyes at I take the finger and put in my mouth moaning at the taste again. “Fuck Princess you enjoy that way to much don't you think?” he laughs as he lays down on the bed “my balls hurt” he laughs I crawl back on top of him kissing his cheeks and finally his lips “you taste so good though Daddy, I just can't get enough of you.” I run my hands threw his hair “give me like 10 minutes and ill make you feel so good baby” he says as he kissed my neck I sit beside him rubbing his god like body (somebody said something about licking his biceps in the comments as I kinda like that idea so enjoy)

I run my hands over his shoulders and down his arms admiring his gorgeous skin I feel the need to worship him show him just how much of a slave for him I am he doesn't need to tell me I'm his slave, I already know I am and I'm gonna show him. “Mmm Daddy let me worship you” I whine as I began to kiss his chest and shoulders I run my hands up and down his toned stomach I began to kitten lick his hard muscles sucking little hickeys while I'm at it. “Fuck Princess what did you say” I start to kiss and lick his abs my hands rubbing his hard thighs pulling away I say “when I was at lunch with the girls I finally told them the truth about why I trust you so much they called me your sex slave.” I stop and begin to leave hickeys all over his hips and sex lines his hard cock brushing my cheeks and chin “I thought about it and I agree and honestly I wouldn't have it any other way” I lean down kissing his lips “oh princess I'm gonna make you more then just my sex slave” I sinister smile runs across his face and gleam appears in his eyes “I'm gonna make you my cumslut and your gonna beg for my cum....well everywhere if I have it my way.” he says looking in my eyes I feel a blush run on my cheeks and an excited shiver run down my back “you know you'll have it your way Daddy that my job right?” I say with a cute smile tilting my head trying to look innocent Vinnie let's put a dark chuckle “I can't wait to ruin you and really turn you into my cumslut” he pulls me down before flipping us over so he's on top “you won't be able to think about anything else except the way it feels for me to cum in your beautiful body” that sentence sent a violent shiver down my spine, I just got on birth control a little over 2 weeks ago but we haven't had raw sex quite yet mostly because we wanted to be sure the birth control is in full effect before taking the chance. (let's pretend you can't get pregnant on birth control at all lmao) I guess now is better than never “please Daddy make me your cum slut” I whine hooking my leg around his hip running my hands threw his hair.

Vinnie’s POV

My poor little bunny had no idea what she was doing to me as far as she's concerned these are just words flying out of her mouth but to me they are her words of true love and true trust. She trusts me enough to control her body and soon her mind, once she falls into the state of a cumslut I know she won't be able to control her body or her mind hopefully she feels relaxed in that state. The last thing I would want is for her to have a bad experience with me being the one in charge. I push my head into her neck running my staff between her slick lips a small moan falls from her lips “thank you, baby, I won't disappoint you I promise.” I kiss her lips once more before grabbing ahold of both of her legs pushing my spongy tip into her entrance the feeling completely different from when I have a condom on I let out a low gasp. Goosebumps pop up on my skin and a shiver runs down my spine as I pull out a light popping noise is made “UGH FUCK YOUR SO TIGHT” I let out a loud moan throwing my head back. I look back down seeing my sweet girl looking back up at me with wide innocent eyes and her mouth slightly open her hands hold tight onto my shoulders without even thinking I push inside of her both of us moaning as her wet walls fluttering around my dick about sending me into orbit I quickly bottom out letting out a grunt using my free hand to move her hair out of her face “F-fuck Daddy please I want you to use me” I began to jackhammer into her feeling her wall pulse around me her loud moans filling my ears as I pick up her legs pushing them into her shoulders feeling myself go further inside of her “Da-DADDY” I chuckle “what baby is there something you want” she whines and grinds her hips into me making me go even further if that's possible. “Daddy please cum inside of me I wanna feel it” Her little body was shivering, I feel my balls tighten so I began to rapidly pound inside of her “OH YESSS IM CUMMMING” she yells out thrusting her hips up. I grunt pushing as far into her as I can releasing deep inside of her, I look down to see her tense and shivering “you ok bunny,” I ask slightly worried “i-so um I-please” I look at her slightly confused “what baby?” I say with a little laugh I see her open her eyes a little before spreading her legs again “more please.” she whines out I drop my mouth open at my cute little whiney mess “oh princess you have no clue what you just did”

I have other things coming but should I make a part 2 to this

[sinner-as-saint]

My Favorite Kind Of Night - 2.

Camboy!Bucky x CEO!Reader

Part 2 of this series

Run-through: On Friday nights, you are punctual to your virtual meet-up with your favorite camboy over a streaming platform, for your private stream session. You’ve known him for a couple of months now. He goes by the alias of ‘Winter Soldier’ on the platform, which is perfect for the kind of man he is; brawny and drop dead gorgeous. Over the past few months, he has become your favorite kind of night. And secretly, you became his as well. You two get closer over time, and things get interesting when your real, professional lives gets intertwined.

Themes throughout the series: sex worker!bucky, smut, phone sex, fluff, language, dirty talk

James Buchanan Barnes walked into your office not even a minute after your assistant walked out. And you took one look at him and your jaw almost dropped to the floor.

He was tall, broad and very muscular. Blue eyes which made your knees weak even though you were sitting down. His button down shirt seemed so damn tight around his biceps that you feared they might rip at the seams anytime now. Well-groomed beard and a man bun – very few men could pull off this look, but he did so perfectly. You could tell he had long dark brown hair; tied up in a bun which made him look so manly and strong and still boyish at the same time. His facial hair made him look mature and wise and yet, he had a playful smile.

You immediately liked his overall demeanor. And you liked it even more when he flashed that million dollar smile at you. Also, there was something about him which felt weirdly familiar.

“Good morning, Ma’am.” He spoke in a deep voice. Like the kind of voice you know you’d never get tired of. Just the right in between smooth and gruff.

Oh fuck. You gave him your best smile. “Good morning, Mr. Barnes. Please have a seat.”

 You had to constantly remind yourself not to stare dreamily at him all throughout the interview. But God damn, James Buchanan Barnes was one fine specimen.

Better than Bucky? Your conscience asked and your eyes widened. Shit. You hadn’t thought about Bucky for even a second since James walked into your office. This man really had you under his spell, huh?

You asked him all the same questions you asked the other candidates, and his replies were well thought out. He was well spoken and carried himself with the right amount of confidence and ease. You could already see him fitting in just right with the rest of your staff. And he was perfectly qualified for the job as well.

You gave him another smile and spoke up, “Very well then, Mr. Barnes. We’ll be delighted to have you here with us. You may start as from tomorrow, is that alright with you?”

He gave you a bright smile back. “Of course, tomorrow’s perfect.” He stood up to leave and you shamelessly admired his back and of course, instinctively your eyes dropped to his lovely butt.

Oh damn. Was there anything about this man which wasn’t perfect?

Before he walked out, he turned around to face you again. “Have a nice day,” he spoke, catching you off guard, he added almost playfully, “Ma’am.”

“You too, Mr. Barnes.” Your voice sounded raspy and dry – mainly because he made you so nervous with just one look.

 After James Barnes left your office, you leaned back in your seat with a goofy smile on your face. There was this weird sense of familiarity which lingered around even after he left. There was something about him which made it seem like you had met him before. Had you come across him at a party before? Or seen him on a magazine cover because God knows he belonged on one with all that beauty. You couldn’t put a finger on it.

Regardless, he occupied your thoughts for quite a while. Around an hour later, your phone buzzed while you were typing an email. You checked and saw that it was an incoming call from Bucky. Oh?

You held your phone with nervous, shaky hands. Streams, chats and texting were one thing, but calling? He had never heard your voice and this made you nervous. Fuck it.

You answered the call. “Hello?”

You heard a deep voice groan on the other hand. “Fuck… your voice just had to be as beautiful as the rest of you, huh?” Bucky spoke in that smooth, velvety and playful voice of his. You noticed he sounded a little different on call than he did on video.

You found your face getting hot, your toes curling in your Louboutins and your body getting tingly at the sound of his voice. “But you haven’t seen all of me yet.” You obviously hadn’t shown him your face yet. Which was so bizarre that neither of you knew each other’s name, nor what the other looked like, yet here you were – shamelessly flirting.

He chuckled, and it sent chills down your back and caused the butterflies in your stomach to go crazy. “I don’t have to. I know all of you is beautiful.” He paused. “Also I should tell you, that photo of yours is making it hard for me to go about my day in peace.” He paused again. “Pun intended.”

You laughed and leaned back in your seat. You felt much better now that you heard from him. You had been moody all morning given he hadn’t texted you. But just hearing his voice set your mood straight.

 You two talked for about half an hour, carefully avoiding asking any personal questions about each other because you weren’t there yet and neither of you were sure what this… situation was nor where it would go so you both decided to just enjoy it and go with the flow. For now.

Your assistant walked into your office and motioned frantically to her watch – meaning you were a little late to a meeting. So you wrapped up the call with Bucky in the next minute.

“I gotta go. Duty calls.” You sighed, standing up and picking up your laptop.

He groaned again. “Time flies whenever I talk to you.”

You giggled. “Same here, Bucky.”

-

For the rest of the day, your thoughts kept bouncing back and forth from that flirty phone call with Bucky to thoughts of James Buchanan Barnes. Ah, what a pleasant dilemma it is having two hotties occupying your thoughts.

When you thought of James, your body tingled. The way he walked towards your desk; how he towered over you and how you liked it. How he looked at you with those intense blue-gray eyes, and how his voice carried this tone of comfort but also seriousness when he talked to you.

And when you thought of Bucky, you had more or less the same reaction. You had the shape of his body memorized. His voice when he talked to you on the phone, how he explicitly told you all the things he’d do to you. How goofy he was on text and how equally shameless on call.

Ugh stop. Bucky was a lovely distraction. He pleased you sexually despite being however many miles away and you paid him for it. That’s it. Right? And James was… well, your soon to be employee. You shouldn’t be thinking about him like that.

Oh goodness… what a mess. A hot mess.

 -

Bucky was a happy man when he left your office building and got in a cab, making his way to his apartment. He still could feel how nervous he was when he first entered your office. Mainly because of the interview but also because he had opened his favorite girl’s message right before he stepped into his new boss’ office.

That photo messed with him in the best ways possible. Thank God he was a man who had mastered control, so when he did step inside your office, he didn’t do so with a hard on in his pants.

When Bucky saw his new boss, his jaw almost dropped to the floor but he caught himself before he slipped. And gave you his best smile. The interview went well, he gazed at you whenever you looked away.

Good thing he got the job, which means this wouldn’t be the last time he saw his boss. There was a warmth radiating off the classy, elegant woman behind the desk, one which felt familiar weirdly. But he couldn’t place his finger on it.

As soon as he got home, he decided to call his favorite girl right away. And the minute he heard the lovely voice, all thoughts of his very gorgeous boss left his head temporarily. And he immediately wished it was Friday night already, where he could spend time and pleasure his favorite girl.

When he got off the call. He smiled at the thought of the woman whom he had been flirting shamelessly with for the past days. Then he thought about his boss. What a perfect little mess, being torn between two obviously beautiful women – not knowing who to daydream about the most.

 ---

Tuesday morning as you stepped into the elevator to go up to your floor, you sensed someone getting into the metal box along with you. You turned your face to the side and met with the prettiest stormy-blue eyes you had ever seen.

Your new office manager – James Barnes. Fucking hell.

“Good morning, Mr. Barnes. Ready for your first day?” you spoke, trying to act like you weren’t hot and bothered as you took in his appearance. The same well-groomed beard and slightly messy man bun. Dark blue button down shirt; which accentuated his eyes, grey tie and black slacks. His suit jacket folded over his arm. He looked good.

Better than good actually, he looked freaking hot. And you always were a sucker for men who knew how to dress properly.

He gave you a big smile. “Good morning, boss.” You chuckled at what he called you. “I am actually, and I promise not to let you down.” He spoke with a promise in his voice.

And you liked his confidence. His stance and demeanor screamed confidence, but not arrogance. Not one bit. “I’m certain you won’t.”

The rest of the elevator ride was spent in silence, both of you sensing the tension in between you two. You couldn’t tell if it was just a thing you had with elevators, or was it being inside a closed space with James which made you feel all hot and bothered.

On your way to the top, a couple of people entered the space as well. And in order to make room for them, James inched closer to you. And you could feel the smirk on his face as he did.

Lucky for you, he would work on the same floor as you. So you parted ways right outside his cabin.

“See you around, Mr. Barnes.”

“See you around, Ma’am.”

This time, the playfulness in his voice was hard to miss.

 Your phone buzzed as soon as you sat at your desk, signaling you had a message from Bucky.

Bucky: I hope you’re missing me. Because I am.

You giggled and replied right away.

You: Always am, soldier. Gotta go though, duty calls again.

Bucky: Are you bored of me already? Damn, and here I thought you liked me :(

You shook your head at his message, smiling.

You: I do! I promise we’ll talk tonight.

Bucky: Okay, doll. I’ll wait.

 You placed your phone down and got to work. There was a lot to be done today. Bucky lingered in the back of your head, but so did James. And you had to push aside thoughts of both men and get to work seriously.

 You were going about your morning just fine, free of thoughts of both gorgeous guys for some hours, when a knock at your door caught your attention.

“Come in.” you called. And in walked one of the most perfect man you had ever seen – James. “Oh, hi. How have you been so far?”

He walked over to your desk with two coffee cups and handed you one. You smiled and motioned for him to take a seat. “Great actually. I love it here. I was getting coffee and met up with your assistant. Then she mentioned your constant need for caffeine so I thought I should get you some.”

You smiled. “Buttering me up, huh? What did you do, Mr. Barnes? How bad did you mess up?” you joked, taking the cup from him.

He laughed. “None of that. Just wanted to see how my boss was doing.”

You giggled. You were sure that by now all your staff knew how much you relied on coffee to get through the day.  

-

You and James had a little chat – just about the company, and work and life in this city – before he had to get back to work. And even after he left, his cologne lingered in the air. You sighed in delight thinking about him. He was easy to be around and talk to. He was magnetic.

And the way he stared into your eyes when speaking made you all tingly and warm.

----

You got home and hopped into the shower. Your thoughts were again filled with James and Bucky. You made a mental note to call Bucky later since you had promised him so earlier in the day. But then, by the time you finished showering, a naughty idea formed inside your head as you looked at the large, floor to ceiling mirror in your bathroom.

You dried yourself, but on a flimsy black thong and posed in front of the mirror. Your arm shielding your breasts barely, as you snapped audacious pictures of yourself – naked, just in your thong; which also left very little to the imagination. Once satisfied, you selected a couple and sent them to Bucky.

Then you got dressed and lounged around in your bedroom; catching up on some reading, and responding to a couple of emails, until your phone rang again. It was Bucky, so you answered with a smirk.

“Hello Bucky.” You chirped, knowing damn well why he was calling.

He sighed, groaning. “Where are you?” his voice sounded so deep and raspy. The voice of a man who’s hot and bothered.

“In my bedroom. All alone. Why?” you acted oblivious.

He groaned loudly. “Get naked, and get on your bed. Now.” he ordered. Sounding so authoritative and stern that his voice sent pleasant chills down your spine, ending in tingles right in between your bed.

Woah… well you certainly didn’t expect that. “But… but today’s not our-,”

He cut you off by growling. “I don’t care what today is, babygirl. Your photos have me rock hard and now, I just need to hear you cum for me.”

Oh.

Your heart pounded at the sound of his voice. And at his request. This was new because he had never heard you moan, or orgasm before, it was always just him on video. This suddenly felt so intimate and it made you burn with desire and excitement.

“You…” you trailed off, not knowing how to reply to that.

He chuckled, and you could tell he had that god damn smirk on his face. “You heard me, babygirl. On your bed. Now.”

You trembled at the sound of his voice. “Okay.” You murmured and smiled as you got on your bed. You put the call on loud and waited.

“Now take off everything you’re wearing. I want you naked for me.” He whispered through the phone, his voice slowly but surely pulling you under his spell.

You took off the oversized shirt, and thong – leaving you bare in your bed. The dimmed lights only added to how hot you were feeling. Now all you needed was Bucky here with you, but unfortunately, despite however much you wanted him here in your bed physically, you’d have to make do with his voice alone.

“Are you done, babygirl?” he asked.

“Yeah.” your voice was just a little shaky.

“Good girl.” He purred and you almost audibly whined. “Now think of me and touch yourself.” he exhaled loudly, which gave away that he was probably touching himself as well. “If I was there, I would kiss every inch of your body, slowly… down your neck, your collar bones, and down your breasts… I would make you squirm and whine under me.”

You gasped as your cupped your breasts and pinched and tugged at your erected nipples. You imagined how those sinfully pink lips of his would feel against your skin. Warm and soft. He heard you, and chuckled.

“Are you wet for me, babygirl?” he asked, clearly smirking on the other end.

“Yes…” you whispered, voice barely audible as your hands slowly trailed down your body.

“Hmm,” he purred. “I wish I was there with you, in your bed. I would kiss my way down your body… your thighs, your pretty little cunt. And I wouldn’t give you want you wanted until you begged for it.” He chuckled. “Come on babygirl, beg for me…”

You whined loudly and obeyed. You begged, unashamedly, wantonly. And he was going crazy on the other end at the sound of your pleas. If only he could have you actually under him, he thought.

“Please Buck…” your voice hoarse and strained as you toyed with your breasts.

He chuckled. “Okay babygirl. You may touch your wet, little cunt for me.” He spoke, just a little breathless compared to earlier.

You lied down, parting your legs gently and touched yourself; imagining it was him. Your fingers slightly toyed with your folds.

“Feel how wet you are for me, babygirl? Fuck… I wish I was there to get a taste of your sweet little cunt. I’d put your legs over my shoulders, exposing you to me.” He chuckled darkly. “And I wouldn’t stop licking and tasting and eating out that little cunt of yours, fucking you with my tongue until you’re sensitive, and crying and begging for me to stop.” He growled.

Obscene sounds escaped your lips as your two fingers slipped inside your entrance with ease given that you were dripping by now. “Bucky…” you gasped, your body hot, your chest heaving.

“Hmm,” he groaned, touching himself at the thought of you. “I’m an impatient man, babygirl.” He chuckled again. “I would be so deep in you by now. Stretching you open, fucking you raw and making you scream and cum around my big cock.” He whispered, speeding up as he stroked himself.

Your back arched off the bed again, causing the air to mercilessly hit your bare chest and causing your nipples to erect even further. The pace at which your fingers effortlessly slipped in and out of you increased – your fingers brushing against every sensitive spot inside you; making you moan out loud.

He growled and swore under his breath as he heard you moan for him. “That’s it, babygirl, fuck yourself faster…” you did just as he asked. “Fuck, I wish I had you here on my lap. I would take you over and over and over again, just fucking you relentlessly, pumping my hard cock in and out of you until your body can’t take it anymore.”

You moaned out loud, back arching off the surface of the bed as you pushed your fingers deeper inside you; knuckles deep and you still wanted more. “Buck…” you gasped, swearing and moaning all at the same time.

“I’m right here, babygirl.” He whispered as he fisted his cock and threw his head back, grunting. “Are you close? Are you so close that you can’t think of anything else, huh? All you want is my big cock, isn’t it babygirl?”

You whined in response and he smirked.

“So desperate and needy, aren’t you baby? But don’t worry, I got you.” He groaned as he stroked himself faster. “Will you be my good girl and cum for me? Yeah?” he was starting to feel a little hazy, feeling his orgasm approaching fast.

You whimpered as you sped up your fingers inside you. “Yes… please Bucky.” You moaned and begged him to grant you your release. He was right, you couldn’t think of anything else. Nothing other than a certain man with a pair of blue eyes inside an elevator.

“Fuck… I love the sounds you make, babygirl.” He sounded breathless as he stroked himself, faster… and faster. He was groaning and clenching his teeth to keep himself quiet as he thought of a certain woman he saw this morning, behind a desk, looking like an angel yet so fuckable at the same time. “Come on, babygirl. Cum for me.”

The palm of your hands rubbed against your sensitive bundle of nerves over and over again; your moans got louder and louder as you felt your body getting warmer and warmer. You thrashed around and whined.

“Cum for me…” Bucky’s voice was a whisper. “Cum for me now!” he growled and you came around your own fingers as he came all over his hand. Both of you gasping, chest heaving and heartbeats ringing in your ears.

“Oh fuck…” you groaned as you let your orgasm wash over you.

Bucky panted, then chuckled. “Well done, doll.” he sounded so calm now that he had released all that pent up tension. His gorgeous boss, and then your photos. He was just a man, he could only take so much in one day.

You giggled as you came down from the high. “Now what was that, Soldier?” you asked, playfully.

He exhaled loudly through the phone and spoke, “Well, since we’re now friends, I figured I should also benefit from the perks of our friendship. Besides, you’re not exactly making it easy for me.”

You laughed. “Maybe I should do that often then, huh?” you teased.

He chuckled. “Like I said before babygirl, you can do and have whatever you want.” He repeated.

You smiled, part of you wondered why you thought of James earlier. And you got quiet for a minute. Bucky didn’t notice, because he too was wondering why he was thinking of his boss lady while touching himself just a minute ago.

“You okay, babygirl?” Bucky asked after a while, and you found your lids starting to droop a little.

You opened your mouth to speak, but yawned instead. Bucky heard and chuckled. “Yeah, just a little sleepy. I had a long day.”

He smiled and his voice came through the phone. “Get some sleep, okay? We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Okay. Good night, Buck.” you replied, picking your phone up.

“Good night, babygirl.”

He ended the call and laid down on his back. Well, well, isn’t this a lovely way to end a night?

 You sighed as you laid down on your back, lying naked in your bed you thought of the day and smiled. James and Bucky were making your days much better so far.

Just as you were about to doze off, your ‘work’ phone buzzed. You picked it up from your nightstand, and checked it. It was a new number who had texted you.

-Evening ma’am, this is James Barnes. Your assistant suggested that you should have my number. Also wanted to let you know that I’ve emailed you all the necessary details regarding the new project. Which you are not obliged to check right away of course. I can wait, I’m a patient man.

You chuckled a little at his message and quickly added him to your contacts.

You: Very well, Mr. Barnes. I’ll check the email first thing in the morning.

He replied right away.

James Barnes: Alright. Good night, ma’am

You giggled, typing a reply right away.

You: Good night, Mr. Barnes

You threw both your phones aside and fell asleep feeling all tingly.

Was it because of the very steamy phone call with Bucky or was it because James – your new, very hot employee just texted you good night?

 Bucky put down his ‘work’ phone and fell into bed with his personal phone in hand. He played around for a bit, checked his socials then found himself staring at the photos you sent him earlier again. He sighed, smiling to himself.

He felt all warm. But he couldn’t tell if it was because of the phone call with you or because of the thoughts of his boss lady. Either way, he was a happy man as he fell asleep that night.

  Little did either of you know that the grand revelation was right around the corner…

[starglow-xx]

retrouvaille

nakajima atsushi x f!reader

fandom: bungou stray dogs

content: hurt comfort, fluff

warning! : mentions of abuse

type of work: one-shot

synopsis: he left the orphanage, and that meant he had to leave you too; fortunately, this time, it seems like the universe was on your side

a/n: this is kinda self indulgent bc ive been feeling kinda down lately...?? and this has been sitting in my drafts for a while now and i havent posted in a while so killing three birds w/ one stone ig

the word retrouvaille is a french noun...

The moment you stepped foot into the armed detective agency, heterochromia eyes met your (e/c) ones.

You notice several agents talking and walking over to assist you, but you drown them out only having focus on the gray haired male ten feet away from you.

Said male takes a small step forward with uncertainty and disbelief laced in his voice.

“(y-y/n)...?” 

At the sound of your name, your eyes immediately begin to water and with pure relief in your voice, you softly sob his name; the name of the boy who comforted you when you were both still in that wretched place.

“Atsushi...”

With all hesitation gone, Atsushi runs over to you shoving through his surprised and confused coworkers and wraps his arms tightly around you.

The force of the hug causes the both of you to stumble and harshly crash to the ground beneath you.

But the two of you didn’t care.

In his arms was a person Atsushi thought he’d never be able to see again.

In his arms was the same girl who snuck him food from the kitchens, the girl who stole medical supplies from the infirmary to treat his wounds, to take care of him when he was sick, and the girl who received punishment after punishment for insisting on staying with him inside his damn cell.

You gave him happiness in place where he should’ve never been able to receive it.

As if he ever felt like he deserved it in the first place.

You’re too good for him, but yet you still chose him.

You, his sweet and kind, his so very kind, and so very beautiful girlfriend, chose him, the cursed, good for nothing orphan.

The orphanage staff treated you considerably better before the two of you were acquainted, so Atsushi knew he was the problem. That he was the reason why tears would fall onto your beautiful face, why bruises and scars would litter your arms and legs, and why the staff would call you awful, degrading nicknames about you and or your virtue.

He had always thought that he wasn’t good for you, that he didn’t deserve you, that you could do better, but you stayed by his side regardless of his fears and insecurities, and provided him the strength and comfort he had always been deprived of.

And to his very surprise, he found that you found your own strength and comfort in him.

So he knew that you must of cried for weeks after he was kicked out, that you must’ve been devastated to wake up one morning only to learn that he was gone without a trace.

There wasn’t a single day that he never thought of you.

Atsushi wanted to go back for you, he really did; he wanted to storm into the orphanage with members of the armed detective agency, his new family, right at his tail before eventually reuniting with you.

But he didn’t do that.

Ultimately, he chose to leave you out of the mess that came with his job knowing that you would be eventually targeted and used against him if anyone found out about what he had with you.

So he kept quiet.

No mafioso, government agent, foreign organization, nor agency member had a clue about your connection with him, much less your existence.

He told himself that when things have calmed down by a considerable amount, he would go back and get you, with or without the agency backing him up.

Unfortunately, he knew that time of peace was far from the present.

But to see you, in your beautiful glory, standing at the threshold of the agency? 

His original plan to keep you away from Yokohoma flew out the damn window. 

At the sight of you, his heart did backflips and his legs almost gave out. 

Ignoring the jelly feeling in his legs and the loud pounding of his heart, he raced around the desks and his coworkers—nearly fully crashing into Dazai in the process—to once more engulf you into his arms.

As for you?

When you saw him, you felt like you were going to pass out.

Your legs grew weak, your entire body was shaking, and tears started to fall down your face.

He was here.

He was safe and he was alive.

You mourned his abrupt disappearance from the orphanage and spent most of your time worrying about his well being.

The staff thought you were pathetic, that you sulked and cried over someone who they thought should disappear off the face of the earth.

They could insult and beat you all you want, but you drew the line when it came to Atsushi.

Finally having enough of everything, you planned your escape.

You were patient; you never jumped the gun nor gave anything away. You planned everything to the very last, minute detail, and after a few more months of abuse and waiting, you put your plan into action and left in the dead of night.

Thankfully, a kind old couple took you after you had collapsed in the streets. You worked job after job after job to return everything they had spent on your behalf even after they had told you not to worry about it.

And after another few weeks, you finally caught wind of your lost boyfriend tracking him down to Yokohoma through an old newspaper article.

Knowing your boyfriend, and yourself, you knew that tears would easily escape both of your eyes due to the long duration of your separation, but you weren’t expecting to find yourself crashing onto the floors of the armed detective agency curtesy of Atsushi. 

But, you wouldn’t have it any other way because in your arms was the boy who gave you comfort during the most darkest days in the orphanage, the boy who laid you in his lap or on his stomach stroking your hair so you would fall asleep, and the boy who often threw himself in front of you so you would remain unharmed.

You choked on your sobs as you tightened your own hold on him and they gradually grew louder as you buried your face into the shoulder of his white button up.

Through his own choked sobs and teary eyes, Atsushi gently maneuvered the two of you so that you would be lying on his stomach—a familiar position the two of you would lay in back in the orphanage.

He gently stroked his fingers through your hair and softly rubbed your back as he whispered the familiar sweet nothings into your ears.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

“I’m okay, you’re okay, we’re okay...”

“I’m here, just let it all out..”

Overwhelmed with your emotions, his sweet words only started to make you cry more.

You’ve missed him so much.

Your tears easily soaked his both his shirt and his neck, and you tried to speak only for you to choke up. Atsushi simply just started to shush you—as you would to a baby—and placed a kiss to your forehead as he continued to comfortingly stroke your hair and rub your back.

With the both of you off into your own little world, a world consisting only of the two of you, reactions and looks from the Armed Detective Agency went unnoticed.

It didn’t take long for them to realize the kind of relationship you and Atsushi had.

But what surprised them was Atsushi’s behavior.

The young adult they knew tended to be unsure of everything, including himself, and stammered whenever he was nervous.

But the young adult currently in front of them had this new aura of maturity; he didn’t hesitate to touch you or to comfort you, and for the first time they’ve seen in a while, he was sure of himself; he wasn’t nervous at all.

With the amount of comfortability Atsushi had around you, and the tender, loving care he showered you in, it was clear that you certainly were someone special to their tiger.

Your sobs slowly turned to small hiccups, and Atsushi’s face turned to one of pure tranquility and content, having his lover back in his arms.

Although having calmed down, what Atsushi said to you next made you want to start bawling all over again.

“I’m sorry I left you, and I promise I didn’t forget about you,” he whispered softly, “I thought of you every day. I still do. The thought of being able to see you again is what kept me going.”

You buried yourself further into his shoulder as you gripped his white button up in your hands.

“And thanks to the armed detective agency, I’m stronger now. I won’t let anybody hurt you, not anymore. That, I promise you.”

Actually taking a look up from you, Atsushi ended up locking eyes with Dazai, who had a gentle look on his face.

His senior only closed his eyes, tilted his head down softly, and lightly chuckled before opening his brown eyes once more, giving Atsushi a look of approval.

The gray haired teen’s eyes widened slightly as he looked around the room only to be met with similar looks of approval and gentleness from his seniors and coworkers.

He felt his eyes tear up again, but instead let out a relieved sigh as he tightened his hold on you slightly.

“Hey Atsushi...” you softly murmured.

Equally as soft, he answered, “Yes (y/n)?”

“...I love you...”

Your lover smiled before placing another kiss onto your forehead.

“I love you too (y/n)”

At last, the girl he loved was back in his arms, and the boy you loved was back within your reach.

And neither of you were ever going to let each other go again.

and it means, the joy of meeting or finding someone again after a long separation, a rediscovery

as always, reblogs and shares are appreciated! i hope you all stay safe! and just in case nobody told you they loved you today, i love you! you are enough! <3

writing belongs to me! please do not plagiarize! the reblog button is there for a reason

[mooshys]

the silver lining of bad first dates

summary: a date gone wrong. a walk in the rain. a simple conversation in a ramen shop. mundane slice of life and mutual pining with kuroo.

word count: 2.1k

author’s note and warnings: curse words galore. set in time-skip. pure word vomit. kuroo’s one of those characters that I’m so scared to even consider writing for because I feel as though I’ll never truly be able to “get” his character. whatever though, I tried.

This date fucking sucked.

Point-blank. No sugarcoating because the dude sitting on the opposite side of the dinner table was more interested in the JASDAQ than your name. Seriously, he couldn’t even be bothered to listen to you talk about your alma mater before he swooped in and started blanketing his insecurities with his recent Bitcoin investment. 

Talk about lame.

Wine and hors d’oeuvres be damned, you were making an escape before he started mansplaining the economy. Even wagyu couldn’t save this candlelit disaster.

Making no attempt to be discreet, you whipped your phone out of your bag and typed up a quick text:

Mind picking me up? Shitty date.

Ping! 

Seriously? Again? What’d this guy do this time?

Ping!

Send the address

Ping!

I swear, this is the last time I’m picking you up

You smiled at the screen, thumbs moving fast.

That’s what you said last week

A bubble with three dots appeared, disappeared, and reappeared.

Ping!

Five minutes.

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Like every cliché bad first date, the weather made sure to mimic the mood. The rainfall was nothing less than dreadful, a downpour that left the streets empty as most people kept indoors to avoid getting soaked.

“You’re so lucky that I didn’t have to work overtime tonight,” Kuroo began, standing close to you in an attempt to shield you both from the shower with his janky umbrella. “Otherwise, you’d be walking in the rain or sitting there having your dinner ruined from hearing that guy talk about his gains in the market.”

You laughed at the truth of his words. There really was no one else who knew you like Kuroo. 

“And you know I would’ve walked in the rain out of the two options. I can’t believe someone so dick-ish exists that I’d bail out on a free meal,” you said, raising your voice over the heavy pelting.

Without any warning, a trio of college kids rushed past you two, not paying attention to the other pedestrians walking the sidewalks as their only priority in mind was making it back home before catching a cold. They had their backpacks held up to cover their heads, but it wasn’t much help as their clothes were completely soaked.

“See that?” Kuroo jabbed a thumb over his shoulder. “You would’ve been running like those kids all the way back to your apartment if I didn’t show up.”

You lightly elbowed him and rolled your eyes. Rain fell on your shoulder from the sudden movement, but Kuroo repositioned the umbrella to prevent you from getting wet. “As if,” you murmured, hugging your body in an attempt to keep warm. “Thanks for picking me up. Again.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re oh so welcome,” he waved off your words and then cackled when you narrowed your eyes at him. Sometimes he really knew how to push your buttons. “Anyway, are you trying to date a bunch of crappy guys on purpose? Because I feel like that’s what you’re trying to do.”

“It’s not like I ask to go through a bunch of crappy first dates!” you said, letting out a huff of hot air. The past month had been riddled with unsuccessful first dates. Statistically speaking, you were an outlier; the average person probably went through a handful of bad first dates in a single year: you went through that number in a mere month. Multiple standard deviations past, you were way out of the norm. “Maybe I’m just a magnet for awful guys who only have a thing for themselves.”

Kuroo scoffed. “Or maybe you just like to make my life a little bit harder.”

You smiled at his words.

“Maybe.”

Besides the realization that you were like a honeytrap to flies when it came to bad first dates, another constant came from the start of it all: Kuroo. You weren’t expecting much from the first SOS call; really, just someone to walk you back home when it was late and the taxi fares were jacked up. But you would never forget the first time he waited for you outside that overhyped bar with a bag of take-out, his tie loosened and hair messy because he had just left the office and rushed to the nearest place that sold yakisoba for a decent price.

Maybe you did make his life a little bit harder. It was selfish, but whenever you had a bad date, you actually started to anticipate your escape because that meant Kuroo would be there for you.

He was your silver lining for the past month.

Red brick walls came into view once you two rounded the corner into a more secluded alley, revealing a familiar site that made you hungry. A neon sign which turned brighter due to the haze of the rain drew you in like a moth to a flame. It flickered, but still kept its light. Another constant.

Underneath the awning of the restaurant, Kuroo retracted his umbrella and shook the excess water off of it. He shoved it in the small bin filled with umbrellas belonging to the other patrons and dragged the soles of his shoes on the mat before pulling the door open. 

“Let’s just get some ramen,” he said, ushering you inside. You took the first steps and situated yourself at a lone table. He followed and a waitress quickly took your orders, soon rushing back to the kitchen to help with the line of tickets pinned to the wall. 

“Ramen on a rainy day,” you said, giving a low whistle. “You know your stuff.”

“Duh, ramen tastes best when you’re freezing,” he replied, pulling on his necktie to loosen it. He grabbed two pairs of chopsticks along with a pair of spoons, placing a set in front of you. “And it tastes pretty good after bad dates too.”

“You’re talking to the queen of bad first dates.”

“Oh, I’ve had my fair share too, Your Highness.”

As if on cue, two bowls of ramen were brought over from the kitchen along with an extra soft boiled egg as soon as he finished his sentence. The soup had small ringlets floating at the top from the fat of the broth along with bright green scallions acting as a garnish to offer a vibrant and appetizing color. Wasting no time, you both gave thanks and started to dig in.

“You know,” he started, breaking his chopsticks apart and dipping them into the broth. He pulled up a nice amount of noodles, the steam rising up higher than before. “I really think you should quit dating guys who suck.”

Following Kuroo, you did the same and blew at your noodles. “You say it like it’s easy.”

“It is. It’s so easy.” He ate a mouthful and swallowed before speaking again. “You have your top tier guys, your average guys, and then your totally shitty guys. I mean absolute trash—these are the guys you’re dating. Avoid them and all your problems will be solved.”

“Ugh, I feel like we go through this conversation after every single mishap of a date.”

Translation: Kuroo, you sound like my nagging mother.

“Because you never learn.”

Translation: I will nag at you all I want.

You sighed. “Love’s a lot more complicated than you make it.”

“Whatever. Just find a guy who isn’t an asswipe, and then we can talk.”

As you two continued to eat, the kitchen staff remained lively. The sounds of ceramic bowls clattering together along with the static hum of an old radio buzzing some city pop tune your mom would have listened to in her youth acted as background noise while chatting. 

“So... what kind of guy do you think you are?” you asked, curious to hear his answer. Kuroo was in the middle of slurping his noodles and held a hand up to signal you to give him a second.

“Me?” He pointed at himself and you nodded. Who else would you be asking? “I’m your average guy.”

You frowned. “No way.”

“What, you think I’m an absolute trash kind of guy? Harsh.”

“No, I think you’re definitely top tier. Average guys don’t go out of their way to do stuff like this.”

Kuroo raised a brow at you and set his chopsticks down. His bowl was half finished, but he was more interested in what you had to say. “Stuff like what?”

“You know,” you motioned the space between you two, “doing this awful-first-date-rescue-at-the-drop-of-a-hat kind of stuff. No questions asked. Average guys don’t do that. Average guys just pay for your meal and maybe give you their jacket when it’s kind of cold. And sometimes they call you some gross pet name like...” You shivered at the thought. “Kitten or something.”

He looked slightly taken aback. “You don’t like being called kitten?”

“No, something about it sounds gross.”

“That’s just because you haven’t found the right guy to say it to you when—“

Not wanting to hear the rest of what he had to say, you quickly crumpled up a napkin into a ball and tossed it at him. He threw his head back, putting on an act as if you actually did any damage to him.

“Stop. Please. Enough. Don’t even finish what you’re going to say.” You went back to devouring your bowl, the noodles more soft than before. Still tasted great as you shoveled in mouthfuls. “I don’t wanf tew heur et!”

Sporting a disgusted look, Kuroo grabbed a few napkins from the dispenser and slid them to your side of the table. “Jeez, you eat like that whenever you’re on a date? Maybe I saved that guy from you.”

“Well, you’re the one stuck with all of this now,” you motioned a hand to your entirety and wiggled an eyebrow. “Consider yourself lucky.”

He held his chin in the palm of his hand and stared at you from across the table, eyes still holding a glint of amusement under the low lighting of the restaurant. His bowl was nearly finished, yet he focused his attention on you, allowing a small smile to grace his lips as he pondered your words.

You eyed him, his gaze feeling a bit different from before. “What are you doing?”

“Considering,” he said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“...It shouldn’t take you that long to,” you mumbled and ate another mouthful of noodles. He kept at it and soon started to crack up. When you narrowed your eyes at him, he shook his head and pushed another pile of napkins your way. 

“There’s a scallion at the corner of your lips,” he tapped a hand on his bottom lip and cackled when you rushed to grab a napkin and wipe it away. Heat rose to your face and you sucked on your teeth.

“You know what? Forget about me calling you a top tier guy. It never happened.”

He placed a hand over his heart, wounded by your words. “It was kitten, wasn’t it?”

Unable to contain yourself, you laughed into your hand, shoulders shaking. You had to set your chopsticks down as you fanned your face, trying to get rid of the tears threatening to spill from the corner of your eyes. “If I ever heard that from another guy, I would walk out. The second the word came out of his mouth, I would pack up my things, leave, and never look back.”

“But you’re not right now.”

“I’m not.”

“Because I’m a top tier guy. Admit it.”

Because it’s you.

You shook your head and waved the white flag. “Right, that’s exactly it.”

Kuroo crossed his arms in front of his chest, satisfied with your answer. Like he won something from this conversation. He liked the way your lips tugged into a smile, not too tight, but enough to showcase the apples of your cheeks; he liked these nights when he could unwind after a long day of work and laugh about stupid pet names; he loved how easy it all was. 

Consideration done and over with, he went back to finish his bowl, the steam from the broth no longer visible to the naked eye.

“Eat up or it’ll get cold,” he said and sipped on the broth. It was still warm, much to his surprise. “I’ll walk you back home when we’re done.”

You took small bites, prolonging the meal in any way possible: listening to him talk about his lazy cubicle partner, ordering another side of gyoza, folding a napkin to tell him his fortune through grade school methods. Both your bowls were empty, pushed to the side with a sliver of broth left as the focus was neither the food nor the JASDAQ jerk from hours before, but rather mundane conversation that went in circles until the shop emptied out.

A hundred dates could go wrong only for Kuroo to show up and make things right.

Maybe it was time for him to become more than a silver lining.