#but that might be the paranoid in me lmao

[fallingsatellive]

Nonhuman confession: I don't "get" parallel play.

Maybe it's that I just don't psychologically gain as much from being around others like some folks do, human or otherwise. Maybe I am actually allistic lmao. But I see no purpose in sitting in the same room as someone but not interacting with them, when I could just be alone instead, which is a million times preferable anyway because I feel less paranoid and less perceived.

If someone insists I be in the room, why are we not talking or doing something, why would you want me in here for no reason? Idk. This is one mammal or social species thing I just don't get. I've never "parallel played" with another alter/nonhuman though, so maybe it's actually just one human thing I just don't get, and that would be different because communication might be simpler to begin with, but the friend I'm meeting in person soon is still a mammal so 😭

[power-chords]

She’s also going to try to track down a therapist who specializes in mood disorders, costs less $$$, and can see me sustainably long-term for talk therapy. I told her that I was having trouble processing what happened to me, probably a common sentiment in the aftermath of psychotic mania. She said I was lucky, that she sees a ton of bipolar patients, and that the fallout from mine was “nothing” (which was not to diminish the extremity of my experience, only to emphasize just how destructive the disease can be and often is). I had just enough insight, grit, and craftiness to recognize that my beliefs and perceptions were bizarre and required concealment from loved ones/employers. It was a blessing and a curse — on the one hand, very few people figured out that I was sick. On the other hand, very few people figured out that I was sick! What might have lasted three weeks dragged on for three months because the (reasonable, lmao) threat of involuntary commitment petrified me. I’d done the psychiatric ward once before in 2008 while waiting for a bed at Silver Hill to open up. Those 36 hours in a blank, padded room scarred me worse than anything I had ever done or had done to me under the influence. I was completely unprepared for the terror and humiliation that is the total revocation of one’s autonomy. The nurses were callous, and I felt like an animal. To call it dehumanizing is an understatement. As hostile as the environment in my head was becoming, I was convinced that the ER posed the more immediate danger and had to be avoided at any cost.

Somehow I succeeded. I was listening to a clinician on a podcast the other day, this guy who runs an outpatient facility for people with mood disorders, and he said that manic episodes inevitably end in one of three ways: death, jail, or hospitalization. HA HA! Not for me! Meep meep, bitch! Weaseled my way out of that one!!! (Ironically, it’s a permutation of the old AA/NA refrain I had heard so many times before: "We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death." Dodged two bullets, apparently.) I have to laugh about it so I don't cry.

I'm sure it's annoying that I'm posting about this so much but having my whole life upended again at 36 was not on my bingo card. I had been so stable for so long, I was by all accounts a well-adjusted, normie-passing yuppie, and assumed the psychic turmoil of my youth was ancient history. It is a miracle that I was not seriously injured — for a while I was wandering city streets late at night, believing no harm could come to me — and that my career, finances, and marriage have survived intact. The statistics on bipolar illness are astonishingly grim. It’s like being in possession of a nuke inside your skull that can arm itself without warning and the codes to destroy your own life. You think of yourself as a sane person; you take for granted that the state of "sanity" is a robust and stable one, and that only the most extreme circumstances would push you over the edge. It is, and I do not use this term lightly, traumatizing to spend 12 consecutive weeks unmoored from reality and behaving in ways that are completely at odds with your personality. I am not a paranoid, angry person. I don’t hold grudges or presume the worst of others’ intentions. On the contrary! If anything, I am too trusting, too forgiving. I reflect on this past summer and don’t even recognize myself. The existential reckoning, the guilt and the shame, are overwhelming.

Last week I finished reading An Unquiet Mind and one of the things that struck me is how fortunate this woman was in three respects: the timing of when her manic depression struck (I.E., at intervals that still permitted her to finish college/her post-graduate studies), the uncommonly generous support of her family and colleagues (back when the stigma against mental illness was even worse than it is now), and probably most significant of all, access to superlative medical care (the UCLA psychiatric department) and responsiveness to lithium treatment. I benefit, thank god, from a situation with many of the same resources. She's led a fulfilling, successful, and ultimately long life. It felt good to read about a woman who played a "happy ending" out of the rotten hand she'd been dealt, whose experiences reflected so many of my own, and who seems to have retained her sharpness and verbal acuity well into old age. Cognitive decline is common as the illness progresses, and this is my greatest fear of all.

What's immediately, tragically evident in perusing the r/bipolar subreddit is just how many people find themselves in the exact opposite position. Insanity strikes at the worst possible moment; abandonment ensues from friends and employers, relatives and spouses; therapy and medication are lacking and insufficient, respectively. Financial and social ruin, and the resultant despair, are frequent outcomes. Dependency on SSDI and/or abusive and inescapable housing situations are documented left and right. The scope of the devastation is harrowing, and the guilt and humiliation that follows on its heels is a compounding cruelty. Knowing this, I am opting to feel lucky instead of unlucky. It has not been easy. It will not be easy. But I am as stubborn as they come, and I will figure shit out. "One day at a time," to borrow another 12-Step adage.

Dr. Ferrari referred me to a ketamine clinic and we're shooting for the week after Thanksgiving to commence infusions. She wants to space them out more than is typical, like every four days as opposed to every other day, to minimize the risk of triggering mania. But that's strictly precautionary and she thinks I'm an excellent candidate overall. Fingers crossed...

[rorah]

I honestly felt like Byleth lost all importance after joining in 3 HOPES and I would have appreciated her actually integrating at the story... like maybe Shez taking more time warming up to her or having more supports for her.

Even if it was just something like...

Dimitri: ...but I love her! Why won't you accept her?

Shez: She is an evil mastermind! Just look at her!

Byleth, whose head is filled with swords, food and one hundred Teutates pikes bouncing at the rythm of Beyonce's "crazy in love": 👁️👁️

You're not alone there my anon friend. We'all felt betrayed and used (mostly Byleth because big trailers with her only to completely discard her >__> WTF)

BUT before shafting it, HEAR ME OUT First ☝️

In hopes, we're playing as an outside view of the so called 'goddess vessel' (or reincarnation, whatever you wanna call her). Her time powers are mainly imperceptible to the rest of the cast in 3 houses, and so we get that Pov in Hopes. Shez's the only one who manage to get a hint of it -only a hint- mainly because their own powers ((And of course, us, the players who already played houses and are aware of them))

Who knows, perhaps Byleth managed to do an epic side quest on her own, break the Saharas (or that thing) and we will never get to know it because we're no longer in her mind. Seems like in the end of Shez/Byleth A support, Byleth went through something that made her accept the goddess role in her (she seems happy about it). We never know if Sothis and Byleth fused, or what happened to Sothis in general, but Byleth knows and won't tell us much because Byleth is reserved and humble(in those aspects). She'll be an anonymous goddess walking among the common folk who are unaware of her condition, offering kindness and personal guidance. She won't be able to help in her full potencial but the thought is also nice. Anyway, we will never know unless IS drop a DLC with such content (the hints of a DLC are there but considering how badly the game performed, a big chunk as already given up that idea - everyone but me lol because I am a stubborn clown 🤡- )

With that being said! I am all in for that kind of support. Everyone telling Dimitri to be wary of the Ashen Demon while she's there in a corner chomping a fish 👁️w👁️💦

[thestobingirlie]

this isn’t a big thing, but i’ve noticed in a few fics that people seem to write steve as having very little paranoia about the lab. and it’s just… steve is one of the few characters that we see very obviously showing signs of paranoia on screen.

after nancy has her panic attack in the library (in s2), she barely mentions the events of the previous year and steve huddles her into a separate room, closing the blinds when he still doesn’t feel safe enough as if people are waiting around trying to read their lips. he literally says that the lab could “do anything they want” if nancy tries to tell barb’s parents what happened.

(this is a sidenote, but like, this is the reason why steve doesn’t entertain the idea of revealing the truth about barb’s death. he doesn’t not care, he’s scared of being taken out by the government)

anyway. i guess half the fun of steve’s character for me, especially in fics around s2, is getting to explore the paranoia that he experiences, and i think it kinda diminishes his character when people take it away and give it to other characters.

[bacchuschucklefuck]

sometimes doing art is a random person coming by u and winking at u and u absolutely do not know what they're doing that about at all. and sometimes they tell u and ur like that's so beautiful that u've found that in my art but I didnt put it in there

[blushedfemmes]

Do you think it's possible for someone who isn't stone to have a respectful sexual relationship with someone who is?

oh absolutely. i vent a lot abt my anxieties over being stone and dating on here (sorry) but it’s really not that deep. i’m just a very neurotic person lol.

ofc there needs to be communication and a willingness to be open to one another’s needs and how they can be met! but people with incompatible needs negotiate and find ways to remain in connection all the time.

stone4stone is beautiful and important, but it is NOT the only option for stone folks. we can have sex and be in relationships with people who aren’t stone. all we need to do is communicate, and it’s up to the other person to decide whether they need something we can’t give 💓

[luveline]

coworker just asked me to cover her shift and I don’t think I can cos im sick but they always think im lying

[saltpepperbeard]

“Wrecking your ship in 2023″

“No one is safe....”

“If we ever find (Ed) again.”

“There’s gonna be some sharp edges!”

[crystalkitty1220]

Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN

[immortalsins]

ough the way my friend in my house was insisting that it's best to go to a beach in another city along the coast (to celebrate another friend's birthday) but five of us could go in her car and one would have to take the (expensive, long) train alone (with beach stuff), instead of just going to the smaller but closer beach that we can all get to on the bus together. she stood there and said 'we'll get to the beach quicker in my car than all on the bus' ok five of us will. and the other will not. but that doesn't matter to her

[hinderr]

whats ur cats name and do u have any pics of her

I HAVE TWO!! The kitten one is called Habuk and she's fairly new. I adopted her from one of my friends (hi @jmothh). She's crazy. She's baby. There is nothing in that skull of hers (my mother says that's a very mean thing to say; i say it's the truth)

My other cat is called Comot. She's a stray I picked off around the midst of quarantine. She suffers from only-cat syndrome and is being a pissy baby about Habuk's presence. I'm waiting for the inevitable enemies to friends to family arc they're going to have. Comot likes running out and acting as a bad influence to Habuk. She has a bit Too Much Brain I feel.

[wethecelestial]

they should invent a grief thats uncomplicated and purely cathartic to experience. has anyone thought of this before

[shut-the-burrow-door-pls]

Actually I'm really fine now without much anxiety and negative emotions, firstly might because i only slept 3h my brain is largely paralyzed, secondly, because, think about something, be like,

related that early experiment accident-failure, ikit half face left limb and part of torso get burnt and exposed, besides great pain, he laughed lunatically because the inspiration he got through the failure

Isn't this hot af? I am gonna die for this, similarly, after a battle queek covered and soaked in blood, violently rip off meat from bodies, magnificent, no one would dare to stop him, not even his bodyguard… i love those direct description on his violence in novel so much…

Also, another scene, i wanna see in details, I'm not sure if it is in some novel, that moment of skorlk gouging out of his own eyes with bare hand-claws, remind me of a game i played years ago, eye socket dripping blood while whispering, could be so fucking insane

[alquido]

what if the initial scare by elquackity leaving was to remove the enderpearls from the egg hotel? and there's an actual attack later and they won't be able to escape?

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

[veroraine]

it's happened to me so many times when i've noticed someone staring at me with the coldest most condescending look on their face making me feel self-conscious the entire time i'm around them only for them to come up to me later to compliment my outfit i can't live like this