#but that might be because I have friends who are homeless rn and family that is homeless rn and ik and see what that does to someone

[lildoodlenoodle]

Gwen Rant Below

‘Did Gwen hook up with Hobie’ that ‘ was she leading miles on’ this. THE GIRL WAS HOMELESS. OMG what. She literally says to Miles ‘oh yea Hobie let’s me crash in his dimension sometimes’ BECAUSE SHES HOMELESS. And when she got defensive during the collider fight scene about her toothbrush and stuff being at Hobie’s, it wasn’t because she was trying to hide a relationship, she’s hiding the fact that she’s no longer living with her dad from Miles.

Miles still DOES NOT KNOW her situation. Because she chose not to tell him. It’s also why she told him not to tell his parents he’s Spider-Man. Because like Miles’ dad, her dad is a cop and when her dad found out he held up a gun at her. Like it’s fine if you ship something, I don’t care, but understand she was most likely staying at Hobie’s because Hobie knows what it is like to not have a home. Of course he’s going to take her in. That means in no way she is SLEEPING WITH HIM.

A lot of people are getting so hung up on the love triangle/love rivalry thing, that wasn’t really anything concrete in the movie, that they are missing key parts of their relationships. Because largely, like the Miles catching Gwen poster, the love triangle was played up for advertisements. The only one that really keeps it going in movie is Pav(who watches too many Bollywood romances(I love him tho)) and Miles’ very short little stint of jealousy that quickly died.

If anyone has been homeless as a teen or had a friend who was homeless as a teen you know your friends come together to support that person, or at least they should(every situations different). Even if it’s just making sure the person has food or a couch to sleep on for a couple of days, rotating between friends and working together to do adult things as teenagers. Maybe this just hits too close to home for me, cause I really do see myself and especially some of my friends in Gwen and her story.

There are a lot of reasons to be homeless as a teen. I mean most queer kids at one point or another have had to at least think about the possibility of getting kicked out if your parents found out. And something makes me really upset at the fact that we have this homeless queer coded teenager, staying with a friend, leaving their stuff at the friends’ place, and borrowing their clothes. Then a bunch of people immediately assume they’re sleeping together. Please understand why I am getting so upset about this.

Hobie has canonically been homeless as a teenager. He would understand how vulnerable Gwen is right now, of course he would take her in and of course he wouldn’t sleep with her and take advantage of her while she was actively relying on him for a place to live. He quite literally stuck around in the spider society FOR HER, cause he knows she’s being taken advantage of by Jessica and Miguel. Like ship what you ship I don’t care, but please have some awareness when talking about Gwen’s story.

[gogolstoelicker]

Dorm leaders with a Razor!MC

a/n: totally lost the pookie who asked for this but if by some miracle yk its you, pls dont beat me up for taking so long </3 /j

also if tumblr did smth weird with the bullet points again, point ur guns at the app

its one week before my exams so im using my adrealine for smth!!

You are generally good-natured person who considers your wolf pack your family and becomes enraged if they are hurt by other parties. You love your wolf family but dislike the fact that you aren't fully like them. You considered the few humans you do encounter to be your friends and are willing to protect them from danger if it means sacrificing your and your pack's dinner for the night. You are a quick thinker. You are also honest and forthright due to your limited exposure to human life. You are not used to speaking and only speak in short phrases and words, finding it troublesome, but you continue nonetheless.

Riddle

my mans stopping you like this to take a look at your uniform

pookie, youre a lil messy rn -he said this in anger, I'm just giving you the nicer version

its ok, he helped you clean up a lil after!!

u absolutely trying not to mess up the collar and tie up bcs its so uncomfortable:😢😔

it always goes back to the messy version as soon as hes out of sight or its half the day already

he wont find out (i lied he absolutely did)

he can always count on u to tell him the truth should your friends ever do smth bad

"broke. chair." while pointing at ace and deuece

they have tears in their eyes as riddle approach them

honestly some of ur behaviour makes him go⁉️

fr thought u were a beastman or smth

then found out youre just a human whos lived with wolves their whole life

FUCKEKEKE REMEMBER THAT TIME IN HIS OVERBLOT WHEN HE WAS TALKING ABT PARENTS

u being an orphan as he goes on with his speech: /JOKE

ace beats his ass up for u its ok

him trying to figure out how they didnt try to eat u🤔

he didnt try to stop u but that wont mean he wont go😅😅

ALSO eat ur veggies pls

hes chasing u around heartslabyul trying to make u eat a wee bit of carrots

Leona

"veggies:( bad:(" "so real"

^ur real time convo

whenever youre given food with veggies, u pass it off to leona

leona then pass it to ruggie who then muched it off

he absolutely told u to give ruggie any veggies btw (free food for the man‼️)

ruggie is forever happy to receive free food

he actually thought u were a beastman too because of your scent

"r u a jack kinnie?" he would ask (he didnt ask it like that)

turns out you just got raised by them

idk savanaclaw might be an ok? place for u? considering most of them r beastman there

like its not even surprising to see u practicing with them every morning anymore

ruggie dragged both u and leona by the collar to practice btw

"im all the way in ramshackle" leona surprise adopted u to savanaclaw, dont resist /J

u surprisingly get along well with him‼️‼️

leona acting like he doesnt care abt the youngsters👴🙄 (hes failing)

he totally didnt take a nap with you in his usual spots, no who did that?? pft not him

no he did NOT save u from accidentally getting hurt by your friend's troubles btw no

also, he did not mind that you do not talk much

the less words the better for him!! he encourages this (he got beat up later by the people who thinks otherwise)

Azul

youre so simple, azul actually had a great time

"pls sign this contract to save ur friends" "ok:)"

well youre homeless now (not rlly u have a home in savanaclaw)

yk those super villains laughing evilly everytime their plans r going so well?? thats azul

he didnt even need to put many efforts in trying to trick u, u just go thumbs up at him

he does not feel bad btw

he does not care if youre a beastman or not. a business opportunity is all you'll ever be to him

maybe a friend too but you'll need to unlock friendship level 10 for that

can wolves swim underwater, im sayign yes for plot reasons

anyways u came back from trying to get the painting(?) picture (?) like a wet dog

im saying nonsense rn i think i need sleep its almost 1am

he threw his head back 90° to laugh dramatically at how u reminded him of a wet dog

this is a joke, do not come for me

honestly he had to drag u away from the lounge once bcs u tried catching the fishes in the aquarium

"MF LEAVE MY FISHES TF ALONE IF U WANT TO LIVE" is what he wouldve said if hes not a professional businessman

he is a professional guys do not worry💯

honestly, he is pretty ? that you had trouble speaking

after finding out its bcs youve been isolated from the human things, he kind of goes🤔

the business in his head is controlling him before he can stop them😖🫣

would u like a potion from him to help u with that problem<33

honestly head empty rn

Kalim

rhey all thought you were a beastman and he is not an exception

is def surprised bcs ur ass howled one time at a full moon

he witnessed that, he had the front row seat as witness

he lets u do ur thing its ok

even asked u if its family tradition HELP /J

"oh man u have such fluffy hair"

he said before trying to touch it and realising its literally tangled all over

him and jamil whos right next to him

were u raised in a barn??

kalim assumed theres no hairbrush in ramshackle

u dont have to worry bro, kalim is more than happy to stock u up with some hairbrush

"oh its nothing much dont worry😊🙏‼️" the literal gold handles on the hairbrush:

u dont have to worry abt not speaking much, he speaks enough for the both of u

he spoke such strange things u dont understand him sometimes

u just nod along and gave him thumbs up

its like sun and moon but the moon is confused /j

if youre sleeping outside, he will join u btw

he brought his pillows and blanket out to have a small sleepover with u

jamil had a mini heart attack when he went to wake kalim up in the morning to see hes missing from his bed

Vil

vil when be sees u

yk how yall lived in pomefiore for a bit after the idia thing??

yeah he polished u up so much bro

u came into the dorm looking like someone abandoned u so youe only option was to live in the jungle with the help of ur jungle friends and have survived through the way of the mammals since u were an infant

and u came out looking like a brand new person

u came out of the dorm looking like u got new skin that its literally shining under light, ur hair softer and no longer tangled and no more eyebags and u smell like flowers

vil wiping his forehead after a job well done😊🙏

also he was pretty shocked when he found out u were pretty isolated from the human norms or whatever

he did try his best to break you bad habits, like literally running in mud

he also helped u with like speaking problems?

he got u a whole dictionary in case u dont know the word bro

also fix ur uniform for ueach time u try to loosen it up because its too suffocating for u

if u try to loosen it up one more time, he'll add the veggies in ur plate

he absolutely does makes u eat ur veggies

he'll tie u down a chair and make u eat them even

/j he wouldnt. he have rook to help him with that

Idia

him after he fixed ur dorm with the greatest and newest updated quality just for u to sleep outside

he gets it, youve been raised this way

but he just fixed it for u bro😢😢cant u at least sleep in there

grim sleeps in diff rooms every day bcs of the upgrade and u did this?? /j

oh well at least the outside kind of looks better now too he guess....

u dont even use the tv, u dont know how it works

"people in there real?" "? no ?"

he beats u in every video games ever because u literally could not keep up with technology

hes slaying everyone and youre wondering how to make ur character walk the way u wanted them to

u accidentally drowned somehow in the video game

he feels a tad bit bad for u

he cant bond much with u because like

hes quiet, youre quiet

hes a modern dude, u dont even know whats a phone

he likes video games, u prolly like hunting for food

if you two r in a room together, the only people who r talking r literally the wind

"whoosh whoosh whoosh🌬" whoosh whoosh🌪

Malleus

he spoke enough for the both of u (its abt gargoyles)

he actually spoke so much confusing words for u

u looked at him like 😃🫨 (ur head is spinning and u r dying)

u can always ask him if u dont understand tho

he will explain in another paragraph but its ok, at least u understand now

barely actually

ur brain hurts and its fried from talking to him since he use big words

he did try to use simpler words for u!!

oh u two can kind of bond i think

youre both not familiar with technology so it will work well

u know those faces grandparents make when looking through new technologies

like the eyes squinting and eyebrows furrowed look with thag confused look

yeah thats the both of u

u both try to figure it out together (it did not work out)

yall asked lilia for help

peepaw is into the trends, he can help the both of u dont worry!!

he saw how messy you could be sometimes and went damn

he'll fix u up with magic its ok

show me funny things, magic man

anyways its a habit of his to fix anything in ur appearance whenever u have ur nighty walks

like u have this dirt on ur white uniform? say no more.

theres a damned branch in ur hair (dont ask how u got that) and its tangled in ur hair?? he got u pookie

part of ur clothes r literally ripped off because god's knows what youve been doing in your free time??? u dont even need to ask bbg

[f1-disaster-bi]

I was tagged by @f1-birb and @love-sunny88 ❤️

Last Song: 1000 by Jonghyun ( I've been listening to my old kpop playlists this week)

Favourite Colour: Green! (currently wearing my green Seb hoodie 😂)

Last Book: For fun? Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones. For research today? Becoming East German: Socialist Structures and Senabilities After Hitler by Mary Fulbrook and Andrew Port

Last Fic: Family Means No One Gets Left Behind, this is a comfort fic of mine for Steve Rogers/Bucky Barnes, mostly focused on Steve adopting a gaggle of LGBTQ+ kids who were homeless. Brilliant read ❤️

Last Movie: Hairspray 😅

Last TV Show: I just finished watching Vicious, and now I've gone back to teenage me and just started re-watching Bleach 😅

Sweet/spicy/savoury: Spicy and savoury

Relationship status: as single as the last pringle unless someone wants to change that 👀(I am joking, I am happily single currently after the break up last year and not really thinking about dating rn)

Last thing I googled: I googled weather alerts because we have them again and are meant to get hit by a storm this week 😅

Current obsession: Hmmm, I don't really have one right now? Is re-watching/listening to stuff I haven't in years an obsession because if so, I have gotten a litle nostalgic lately and have been revisiting stuff (Bleach, Kpop, Bones...)

Looking forward to: I have a concert in March? I might be planning a trip for next month? Possibly meeting friends I haven't seen since June in person (August over video call)? Using one of my new mugs for tea? I have a few things to look forward to!

I tag anyone who wants to do this!

[sesame-sim]

Books I'm considering next

I mentioned before I add a new book every 5 sim years in my bookish save.. I'm torn about what book to add in next for Year 55. I know It seems too soon to be thinking about it bc I'm posting Year 50 right now, but in actuality I'm halfway through playing Year 53 so I need to give myself some time to finish reading and do prep like take notes, make a timeline.

Below are the ones I'm currently considering. They each have things about them that I really want to play and things about them that would be difficult to show with sims. Opinions welcome! I would love if somebody just tells me they have a clear favorite and then I don't have to decide lol.

In alphabetical order (info on each after the cut)

Clothes, Clothes, Clothes, Music, Music, Music, Boys, Boys, Boys (memoir)

Dust Child (historical fic)

Magic Lessons and the Practical Magic trilogy (fantasy)

Refugee High (nonfic)

Salvage the Bones ; Sing, Unburied Sing (fic)

She's Not There (memoir)

The Glass Castle ; Half Broke Horses (memoir)

To Kill A Kingdom (fantasy)

War and Speech (YA)

Clothes, Clothes, Clothes, Music, Music, Music, Boys, Boys, Boys (memoir of Viv Albertine, member of British female punk rock group The Slits. I'm interested in the aesthetics of this. She's also dated Mick from The Clash, has been friends with various ppl like Sid Vicous. But should I hold out for the possibility of a bands EP or GP in the future? And there's another memoir of hers I could also read before playing. It's more focused on her family rather than her music career)

Dust Child (historical fiction about a half Vietnamese half black man who is trying to find out who his father is in the present time intertwined with the story of two sisters who leave their small town to become bar girls in Saigon in past time. I actually haven't read this yet but I became interested in playing something with a Vietnamese storyline because of the tumblr @biplusco . Their Indochine cc collection made me want to play something set in Southeast Asia.

Magic Lessons; The Book of Magic; The Rules of Magic; Practical Magic (trilogy and a prequel following the Owens family of witches since the 1600s. You may know the movie Practical Magic. Of these books I've read Practical Magic and half of Magic Lessons but haven't read The Book of Magic or The Rules of Magic yet. The main issue here is 4 books is a lot to take notes about and make timelines for before playing through. Plus, starting from the late 1600s all the way to more current times at the speed I play will mean I never finish! But maybe I could JUST play the prequel.)

Refugee High (nonfiction about the high school in the U.S. with the highest percentage of refugees. The author chose some students, each from a different country, to delve into the lives of. Could be interesting depicting each one's past in sims before they end up together in Copperdale High School. But I've only just started reading this one.)

Salvage the Bones; Sing, Unburied, Sing (fictions both by Jesmyn Ward and they take place in the same town. The characters even cross paths at one point. I love her writing so much but a key part of one book is a hurricane and the other book mostly takes place in a car so I don't know if I can do this well in Sims 4 as the game is rn)

She's Not There (memoir, gender transition. I might want to read her other book called Good Boy about every dog she's had in her life first so I can play both together and have each of the pets join the family at the right times)

The Glass Castle; Half Broke Horses (both by Jeannette Walls. The Glass Castle is a really popular memoir about the author's nomadic upbringing with parents who eventually choose to be homeless. Half Broke Horses is her biography of her maternal grandmother. That one mostly takes place on ranches. What happens in The Glass Castle basically picks up right after what happens in Half Broke Horses.)

To Kill A Kingdom (fiction, fantasy, mermaids and princes. This one I'm worried about my lack of cc for. I want to play out a fantasy book at some point but I haven't done any collecting of fantasy cc whatsoever yet so it might take a while to accumulate it )

War and Speech (a humorous YA book about a high school girl, new to a school, who joins the super snobby speech team just to try to bring them down from the inside.)

[trickstarbrave]

basically the idea i had is.

nerevar and voryn were childhood friends. nerevar even got a scholarship to go to the fancy private school voryn attended (or at least, nerevar thought it was a scholarship).

around high school one of voryn's shit older brothers (i might have to rework that some are cousins or smth. its not realistic to have like 8 kids in a modern setting. at least not w voryn's background) rudely tells nerevar they know he's in love with voryn. its obnoxious. he's gonna do smth he regrets and ruin voryn's future. all because their mom tried to be nice and spoil voryn by sending nerevar to school with him. and this is how they repay him.

nerevar feels like shit hearing that and its close to graduation. he never gave his romantic feelings towards voryn much thought; they were always friends before anything else, but hearing that and that voryn's family essentially lied and like he now owes them he just feels. angry and miserable about the whole situation. already he was already pretty much always aware of the difference in class between them but this just makes it. worse. he was told he was basically just a childhood toy voryn needed to grow up and leave behind

nerevar would rather leave than be discarded. in fact he's kinda furious about it. he had plans to apply to the same college voryn was going to go to. instead tells a little white lie that he was taking a 'gap year' and just. stops contacting him basically shortly after that. full on ghosting voryn. he used to go to voryn's for the holidays and he doesnt even so much as stop by or say anything.

nerevar doesnt know it but voryn is kind of. destroyed by this. he can't for the life of him figure out if he did anything wrong. if nerevar is in danger. how to get a hold of him so he can confirm if nerevar is safe

nerevar meanwhile is just trying to figure life out on his own. picks up odd jobs. worked as a roadie for a time. traveled for work. was a bartender for a hot minute. anything to keep him busy and make him cash. compared to before his life is kind of shit but. he doesn't want to think about it. at least this his decisions. at least its his own life he's fucking up. voryn's brothers think nerevar is a shithead with no future who would only ruin voryn's life? well fuck it. he might as well ruin his own. its a mixture of running from his problems and his emotions and also likely a bit of self harm

he makes some new friends. weirdly. picked up vivec as a roadie. made friends with a smart guy in charge of tech (sil). met a very rich girl (ayem) while bartending. one way or another his group of friends ends up in the same big ass city he grew up in. by now he thinks voryn probably moved on and doesn't give a shit about nerevar anymore. after all he only tried contacting nerevar for a year after he ghosted him because he felt guilty and it was lingering childish attachment (wrong). ayem has a guest house in the big ass house her family bought her he and sil stay in. vehk stays with her tho bc they are banging. legendary matchmaker nerevar here getting some homeless nb freak a rich gf.

but eventually through one way or another nerevar bumps into voryn. i imagined it as like. nerevar slept w a guy at a fancy hotel and voryn is there for a business conference. nerevar is clearly hung over, clearly looks like shit, and is trying to just leave when he literally bumps into voryn on his way to breakfast. voryn is stunned but nerevar just tries to play it off cool like "woah hey its been a few years huh? nice seeing you. okay bye--" and trying to run off when voryn just grabs him by the arm and is like. no. nope. we arent doing that. explanation. now.

i dont know if i wanna write it. i dont rly have a lot of ideas for it. its just bouncing around in my head rn

i have this idea in my head of a modern nerevoryn au but. it might be ooc and doesnt rly make sense bc the idea is only half formed

[tsarinatorment]

20 Tsari Fics

So no-one asked, but I did one anyway because I got myself thinking about it and life is not great rn so might as well think about things I'm good at rather than dwell on what I'm apparently bad at. So.

As always, only complete fics (with one exception but that's a short story compilation so technically all the stories within it are complete). Various fandoms represented here!

And because I'm curious: if you have a favourite of my fics, either one listed here or another one, feel free to let me know :D

(Please Don't Let Me) Fade Alone Riordanverse (TOA) Teen. Family/Romance. Will, Apollo, Nico. 8k Please. Don't let me.

A Tradition of Pride Mortal Instruments Gen. Friendship. Clary, Raphael. 2k When designing the new symbol to represent the Council, Clary struggles to find a symbol to represent the vampires.

Black Widow Naruto Teen. Angst. Rin, Obito. 2k Rin was Obito's best friend. Always there for him with a smile and kind words, no-one ever doubted her intentions towards him. Maybe someone should have done.

Choke Thunderbirds (TAG) Teen. Family. Scott, Tracy Family. 2k It's common knowledge that Grandma's cooking is a hazard to health. This was just one of the many occasions that proved it.

Criminals and Kindness Thunderbirds (TAG) Teen. Friendship. Mechanic, Parker, Scott. 2k The path to redemption is full of bumps, but it's not as impassable as it might seem.

Dawn Rises From the East Riordanverse (PJO; TOA) Teen. Family. Michael Y., Will, Apollo, OCs. 16k During the Battle of Manhattan, Michael Yew fell into the East River; his body was never found. Two years later, a homeless kid known only as Ferret has a chance encounter that changes everything he knows.

Divided, United Thunderbirds (TAG) Teen. Family/Hurt/Comfort. Scott, Virgil, Kayo, John. 6k Waking up bound in a dark room is never good news, but the absence of the brother he saw shot in front of him just makes it worse.

Flood Team Fortress 2 Teen. Hurt/Comfort. Scout. 2k A storm has left the canyon at Double Cross a raging torrent, but the Announcer decides to proceed with the mission nonetheless.

Freeloader Detective Conan Gen. Family. Kogoro. 1k Kogoro muses on the exact nature of his newest family member.

Grounded Thunderbirds (TAG) Teen. Family/Hurt/Comfort. Scott, Virgil, Kayo. 21k Scott didn't enjoy the trash mine rescue at all, but he enjoyed the consequences of it even less.

Help Me (Keep My Head Above Water) Thunderbirds (TAG [AU]) Teen. Family/Hurt/Comfort. Scott, Gordon. 4k The water is no place for a man who thrives in the skies. Luckily, he has a brother who’s the opposite.

In Your Shadow Thunderbirds (TAG) Gen. Family. Scott, Gordon. 2k "Tomorrow, they're not gonna say 'that's Gordon Tracy, the Olympic Champion!' Tomorrow, they're gonna say 'that's Scott Tracy's little brother!', and I'm gonna say 'damn straight I am.'"

Night Out Thunderbirds (TAG) Teen. Family. Gordon, Scott. 5k Gordon learnt two things that night: Scott was an affectionate drunk, and sometimes people throw bar stools for no good reason.

Outsider Thunderbirds (TAG) Teen. Friendship. Mechanic, Scott. 3k He’s not a member of International Rescue, but when someone ends up in trouble, he can’t walk away.

Seven Days and Seven Nights Riordanverse (TOA) Teen. Family. Will, Apollo, Apollo Cabin. 5k A warning, a storm, and Will’s world gets flipped upside-down.

Symbol of Despair Captain Scarlet/Thunderbirds (CSatM/TAG) Teen. Friendship. Scott, Captain Blue, John, Lieutenant Green. 23k Spectrum’s job is to attempt to foil each and every Mysteron threat made in the ongoing war of nerves. The threatened parties vary - politicians, military leaders, even strategic locations - but this time, it’s different. This time, the target is International Rescue, and Spectrum’s first hurdle is finding out where they’re supposed to be protecting in the first place.

Take A Chance On Me Thunderbirds (Movie) Teen. Family. Alan, Scott. 9k Thirteen. Scott, John, Virgil and Gordon had all had their first flying lesson when they turned thirteen, but when it was Alan’s turn, Dad said no. On a completely unrelated note, Scott is the world’s best big brother.

Tales From the Heart One Piece Teen. Friendship. Heart Pirates. 260k A series of short stories surrounding the Heart Pirates and their captain, with occasional guest appearances from other characters.

The Stolen God Riordanverse (MCGA; TOA) Teen. Friendship. Will, Magnus, Apollo. 107k Python is defeated. The prophecies are restored, and Nero has fallen. Apollo has not been seen since. His trials are over; why isn’t he back on Olympus?

You Can Be Whatever You Want To Be Riordanverse (TOA) Teen. Family/Hurt/Comfort. Will, Apollo. 9k After Will overworks himself, he finds himself receiving a difficult task from Apollo.

[hirakdesherrani]

EBSS 24-28 June:

Okay, first off, I just have to hand it to the writers for covering so much ground in a span of 5 episodes. Was it rushed? Yes, for sure. But it was so, so good. Not on a single count of writing, did I feel dissatisfied. Star Plus has been ruthless, ordering a revamp so soon (ram jaane what trp they expected on this slot, esp. during the WC), but writers did an incredible job under so much pressure.👏 Its been a while I’ve been so impressed with the writing of a show, and I’m not going to stop gushing about it so soon. 

Anyways, here are some scattered thoughts:

What a longgggg, and exhausting day it has been for Kabir, from parting with his wife and son, to finding out that his Dad is a shitty human being, to saving his Dad from burning to ashes, to finding himself and his family homeless, boy has been having a tough time, all within 24 hours. 😓

Initially, I was mighty annoyed that instead of giving us Kabir v/s Jahnvi, they started with the good bahu v/s bad bahu crap. Though happy about the revamp, I was curious about how will the writers manage to bring Kabir into the picture? And they did it quite smoothly. So, obviously good bahu Kavya has to poke her nose everywhere, but of course, Jahnvi can’t have that. So, she gets her out of the way, without doing anything really, because Kavya, like an idiot, has to stalk Jahnvi. Toh ab bhugto. I ain’t feeling bad for that girl. 😈

A lot of people felt it was wrong on Jahnvi’s part to frame Kavya, esp. considering she has been shown so concerned for Aarush. But the thing is, Jahnvi prizes her revenge above everything else, so it was obvious from the start, that Aarush would get hurt somewhere down the line. Will Jahnvi regret it in future? That remains to be seen. 

Coming back, by framing Kavya, the writers managed to involve Kabir as well as, provide a dignified exit for Kavya. I loved the parting scene of Kabir-Kavya, surprisingly really, that by the time I like them, its too late. What I liked most, was Kabir insisting on leaving the house with Kavya, with their heads held high. Kavya already has the reassurance that Kabir trusts her, but Kabir didn’t want Kavya’s departure from the house under a cloud of accusation. He was so concerned for her respect. And that has made Kabir my most favorite male lead in the last five years, right after Asad. I just love male leads who can take a stand for females. Especially, in this case, because Kabir isn’t in love with Kavya, but he knows his duties as a husband, and friend. 😍

Kavya’s departure also seemed sensible. Even without Jahnvi framing her, PK didn’t lose an opportunity to humiliate her. The kind of asshole he is, I don’t ever see PK accepting Kavya. I’m glad she actually moved away from the shitty Mittal household, more so for Aarush, at least bachcha bach gaya. But I’ll miss baby Aarush. 😔

Now that his wife and friend was framed, obviously Kabir has to investigate, and it was the most natural transition from Kavya to Kabir as the protagonist (like it should have been from the start). I just loved how Kabir proceeded with it. The investigation, esp. the scene where he fools Amma with the microchip, was so sleek. The writers remembered that he’s a special agent, and I do assure you, its a rarity by ITV standards. 

Another thing I’d like to highlight is that Kabir doesn’t lose his head through allllllll the shit that’s been happening. Why? Obviously, because he is an army man, and they are trained to deal with pressurized situations. The writers underlined this fact very subtly, I don’t even know if viewers caught on. After all that has transpired, Kabir was still being patient and  composed when he was talking to Pooja. 

Which brings me to Jahnvi/Pooja.....I love her so much. I think the best thing about Jahnvi is that she is so unforgiving. YAS! We need more female characters, esp. female leads who are unforgiving. Tellywood has innumerable times reinforced this idea of a kind and forgiving, farmabaddar, female lead. After Maya (of Beyhadh), thankfully this trend is changing. I am so, so glad that Jahnvi tried to immolate PK, and even gladder of the fact, that not just the perpetrators, but she punished junior Mittals too, in a way. It might seem unfair, but c’mon, they are grown up, educated adults who had a good childhood, and they can fend for themselves, unlike Pooja and Rani who lost their father, their childhood, and would have suffered a worse fate if Amma had not adopted them. Bless Amma, one of the best parental figures in ITV rn. 🤧

Was Jahnvi’s plan rushed? Hella yes. But there are two things here, first with Manohar, and then Kavya/Kabir, Pooja has had two close shaves. Even if she framed Kavya, Kabir was sure to find the truth. So, obviously she had to expedite her plan. Secondly, Jahnvi has been working on her plan for at least two years, I’m presuming, entering PK’s company as an employee, gaining his favor and trust on her skills over even his own son, then marrying into the family and gaining their trust. For the audience, the show is only two months old, but from the point where the show started, Jahnvi has already spent quite a few years reaching up till this stage, so she can’t delay anymore, especially with the chances of her cover being blown increasing. 

The plan seemed too simple, but the thing is, PK was going to read the papers. For Jahnvi to avoid that, she needed two things, his unflinching trust, which she had gained over the years, and second, a pressure situation, where he can be distracted easily. I’d say finding out about a supposed arch enemy, threatening your rebellious son, and your Dad being paralyzed post a heart attack, can be pretty stressful.

Obviously Jahnvi could have lured him to a shady place and burnt him long ago, but she needed to ruin him and his family completely. So, getting the papers signed was a priority. 

I think this is where the best part comes. OUFFFF Shrenu was so good in the scene burning down that house. The transition from pain and hurt, to resolve and anger, and deathly calm after she did the act. Terrific! 🔥 In the same episode, Zain and Ayub were great too.

Kabir’s motivations are so clear. He is the good cop, upholding what is right and just. Obviously he saved his Dad, because he is a son after all, but right next moment he threatened his father, in a non-negotiable tone, that he better surrender himself to the law. 

And here we have the clash of values. While Pooja follows her own law, i.e. Hammurabi’s code of eye for an eye, Kabir staunchly believes in law and justice. I really liked that he restrained Dhruv, when Pooja ridiculed him, because he understood Pooja’s motivations and maybe even sympathized with her on some level. 

It was a little thick of PK to shout at Dhruv and blame him for marrying Jahnvi, when he was the one who trusted Jahnvi the most in the family, and even ridiculed his son, and thanked the stars that his son was lucky enough to marry someone like Jahnvi. Hmpf.

About Dhruv’s actions, I’ve already mentioned in another post, so moving on to Pooja. I am so glad that she broke off the relationship. Why was it surprising to anyone that she had never married him for real? I thought it was obvious. I mean, she wasn’t going to really marry a guy, in the legal sense, for the sake of revenge. That too, the son of her enemy. I was so glad when she said, “Mere kareeb aane ki koshish mat karna”. Throughout the two months of the show, they’ve shown us Jahnvi’s discomfort when Dhruv comes near, even though she did feel guilty sometimes about using him. Imagine her relief to be finally rid of him. Agreed, she should not have ridiculed him like that, but there is no polite way of telling a person that “you are a dumbfuck and I used you for my revenge.” What annoyed me were the reactions on Twitter condemning Pooja for humiliating Dhruv, and insisting that JanRuv should be endgame, because ‘Dhruv loves her so much’. I mean, what sort of shitty male entitlement is this? More so, because it is propagated by female stans. 

Anyways, coming back to the climax of this drama, SHRENU WAS PHENOMENAL. The transition from rage to mockery to a business-like voice telling the shitty Mitals to gtfo was so well done.👏 Esp. the moment, when she drills into their heads that ‘folks, that car ain’t yours, leave it’, I cackled so bad! 😂

I absolutely loved this week’s episodes. Only thing is, Imma gonna miss my shady Jahnvi Mittal. Shrenu was at her best with her micro-expressions and transitions, and I’ve never seen a more perfect casting on Star Plus in the past few years. No one else, and I mean it, no other actress on ITV rn can play Jahnvi Mittal, cuz no one has the calibre of micro-expressions that Shrenu does. 💜

But I’m ready for the open fight. Zain was so good this week, this show finally giving him what he’s capable of. Bring it on! 

[paperbagnotes]

What do I do? Is it too soon?

Sail to So cal rn??

Back to a storage unit of stuff in sf,

I’m not ready to go back??..

What if I’m not enough

October is so soon

With everyone still asking.. it was harder than rn, more ppl, but ppl weren’t so mentally deprived and deranged of the freedoms of the universe so much as here, more txting there, ppl here way pushier, or isolating, less social?but sunsets that last hours in ak?? I didn’t picture before December.. then again what’s a summer here without a friend some one by the fire, time alone is better than with the wrong person however.. no one spends as much time in the wilderness as you. it’s the only super power that’s here, midnight Sun.. unlike sf’s never sleeping clock .. it’s black out.. still some how stuff Can be happening, ugh I gotta leave in September.. but I love and understand my job, I should have never left.. it’s all in retrospect, thought another relationship with a friend could have ended with having time together, instead of all this criticism, all or nothing mentality, that’s nothing like family? City neediness still happening! from ppl there while I’m here.. more interest needing to be given, layed down from women to women to have ANY interest given back, I’m not perfect, I’d jive with so many bomb women.. but I don’t want to engage with serpents, so if some one is one on the inside. I gotta see how I can only be better and not bother.. I’m not the blocker. May be blunt.. not belligerent, on guard sometimes because there’s so much to say now. But I’m terrible to have trusted a one to not have empathy of how someone else is feeling.. I need to ask more, tell more.. but I try to

I terrified.. who?

I’m having tremors

Still no biker or skater,

Scared..

Would walk or drive anywhere

Still scared

I’m screwed..

My cars battery needed a jump the other night w/the Sun and someone followed me home from walking out somewhere.. oh it does not compare

I bow back at homeless ppl who walk past me..

Mid sf where I’m suppose to be?

I can wait till January and stay till.. oh no.. see why go? I need to get to so cal sadly

Maybe angrily.. why do I have to follow through.. why not Chicago in March or may?

Asheville to visit? ASHEVILLE?! To die one day?

Oh dare I say

Srly should I go to Scotland, leave the country..

Still

have to go clean out my storage unit so just when do I go? It’s October.. ik *face melting*

If I make it to the beach on time,

I might make the sunrise..

But if I’m late this year will there be another, what place am I trying to discover,

I wouldn’t trust it.. wouldn’t know what to do, what it would be like to run into you,

So I’d have to go to, After January? In January?

If I don’t run into you on my birthday by the beach, or October’s warm caring air

I’ll make my migration.

Don’t want to rush it, but I’m getting cooked in this dryer! Summers here are such liers..

6 years in that 7 mile square, without clean air..

And I never went back to that beach, but once or twice in the trees, idk why there were less grassy places, back yards only in the sunset, or dailycity, roof tops crowded and parks covered.. north bay just full of ppl pumping out parties of ppl.

East bay could take it easy.. easy to get to far deep in it.. like Brooklyn barricaded.

I can’t go back to sf idk what neighborhood to go anymore.. flamingo beach? Around isle creek?

Closer

For how long 🤦

Oceanside.. never been.. would need wheels?

I won’t cry.. ca the place of driving.

Driving me crazy 🙈

A setting for other destinations

Visit Chicago/la area again,

(Pls stop having ppl tell you Venice)

Crumbling is me

[flashcardsagainsthumanity]

Hi guys,

I’ve been gone for a while, as u may have noticed I haven’t posted anything meaningful in the last few months. Not that anyone matters, but I need some kind of outlet and I don’t know who to talk to at this point, so I guess I’ll just scream into the void of tumblr dot com.

In June I finished high school which was cool since we got to graduate with some kind of real exam that wasn’t through a fucking webcam. Italy started lifting restrictions in spring and it was nice ngl.

However, something else was going on in my life: my grandma got a tumor. It might not sound like a big deal but it was for me and made me unstable for a while (I kept wondering why, why I had to go through my final exams with that kind of situation). She got surgery but still relapsed very often.

In July, I turned 18 (finally). I had a good bday party but I still resent my parents for forcing me to celebrate in a partially “traditional” way. July was generally a great month tho.

In August, my grandma started getting worse again and kept being hospitalised for like two days every other week. It was truly awful, but I was focusing on the fact that I was going to move soon.

In September, I indeed moved to Milan to study Communication design. Moving was obviously tough since I don’t have any friends in Milan and my family was literally on the other side of Italy. University started and it was, and still is, amazing, and it feels like the only good choice I’ve ever made. I didn’t get to see  grandma before leaving because she was still recovering from her latest breakdown. However, all throughout summer she’d made it very clear that she wasn’t happy I was gonna study design in Milan (she wanted me to study engineering back at home). Her health seemed pretty stable, doctors had told us she’d have to get chemotherapy and that was about it.

I absolutely fell in love with Milan, truly. It’s not a perfect city but it’s beautiful nonetheless. I didn’t make many friends since I’m extremely shy irl, mopst of the times I literally can’t talk to people without feeling anxious. My univeristy was letting us go to some classes in person, while half were online. Fine, after all.

Two weeks ago, our prime minister said he’d make new legislations to deal with the increasing number of covid cases (Milan is the centre of the epidemic in Italy, yay). It was a Saturday and I was scared the whole region of Lombardy (where Milan is) would go into full lockdown (which would imply my student housing would close down as well and I’d be homeless). I packed a few sweaters just in case I’d have to take the first train or plane back to Calabria (which is where I come from). He ended up restricting some activities and setting a curfew for Lombardy. This happened on Sunday night. The other girls at the student housing (who all live much closer to Milan than I do) started making fun of me because I was so scared of a possible lockdown.

The next morning, my grandma died, and that hurt like hell. I went to class that morning and took a plane to get home (left my student housing at 14, got home at 24, wild). I didn’t get to see my grandma one last time (the last time I saw her was a whole week before via videocall), but luckily enough I could get home in time for the funeral.

At the end of the week, on Saturday, I went back to Milan by train, it was an 18 hours trip that absolutely killed me. Spending a whole week with my family made me realise how much I enjoy living on my own (one of the reason I left home in the first place was because I knew I can’t deal with my parents’ rampant homophobia and views in general).

While I was in Milan, I had some issues with an ear, so I booked an EMT appointment for the 30th, which means that I got back to Calabria yesterday (after another 16h long trip oof). I have a bit of a cold+cough though, so after seeing my stupid ear the doctor said I needed to get tested for Covid, and I did. 

I’m still waiting for the results, which will take almost a whole week.

I should go back to Milan again tomorrow, but the government is reconsidering a lockdown. So, I’m now in Calabria, waiting for out prime minister to release some kind of statement, trying to figure out what to do (I left most my clothes and stuff in Milan so I kinda need to go to my student housing and pick up at least a few things).

I’m hating every moment here with my family, I can’t stand being here and I really really really wanna leave again, but that’s not possible rn.

Idk I needed to write all this shit down cus I’m definitely not okay and everything feels so unstable and stupid and idk

Focusing on my assignments is barely possible and I can’t get through with anything, I’m so bored and it feels like high school again, except it’s not high school and I really need to get shit done

(Forgot to mention, mcr is probably not gonna release anything cause i.am.a.graveyard wasnt’t really them so)

[remindersofgrace]

Reflection on the Decade

Recently, I was inspired by a blogpost by Justin Buzzard to take the time to reflect on and to share with others about my decade. After 4 hours of reading through old blog posts and scrolling through pictures, my heart is welling up with gratitude and awe at the ways that the Lord has been supremely faithful through the many seasons of my life. This post is a long one, but I hope these words can remind you that God is intimately involved in the details of your life’s narrative, and in His perfect wisdom, faithful love, and sovereign power, He takes every part of your story to show off His steadfast love.

2010: 

- I am a sophomore advisor for a hall of wonderful, rambunctious freshmen alongside Bethaney Herrington, and love it. 

- I lead VBS music at CBCM together with my sister during the summer and have an absolute blast. This year, the music is a western theme and the lyrics are so incredibly rich. I still remember all of the lyrics. 

- I travel with a group from Nurses Christian Fellowship to Kampala, Uganda as a vision trip to see what the Lord in doing amongst nurses in Uganda and to partner with organizations there like NewstART. I am floored by the believers in Uganda, whose faith is not flashy or eloquent, but strong, faithful, and committed wholeheartedly to their awesome Savior. 

-I start my first year of nursing school and for one of the first times in my life, am not able to quit something that I don’t feel immediately good at. I struggle with daily anxiety and self-condemnation, and the Lord uses it to reveal how much my hope was in my performance and success. 

- I find a home away from home at Veritas Church, and am frequently in the Slagle home. 

-Eden and I have one of our most stagnant years in our relationship in the midst of Eden working 100+ hour weeks with investment banking in NY, and me being too tired and self-absorbed to engage after trying days of nursing school. We are both struggling spiritually but not close enough to each other to realize how bad it is.

- My sister and I put on a in-home sushi night dinner for our dad and have a ton of fun dressing up as waitresses.

2011:

- I finish my first year of nursing school and start my second. I continue to struggle a lot in nursing school and struggle with what might have been a depression. 

- I become a leader at Emory Christian Fellowship and struggle a lot with fear of man and discouragement as the attendance is small and inconsistent. 

- I meet regularly with a wonderful, Spirit-filled, lover-of-the-Word woman named Skip McDonald who shepherds me in learning how to actually have a personal relationship with my Living Savior and is a vessel from the Lord to break down a lot of the legalistic ideologies I have been believing for so long. 

- I room with 3 amazing ladies named Mary, Kala, and Hannah. Our year is filled with lots of laughter, poorly done P90x videos, and dancing (some better than others). (BG02!!) 

- my family records our first ever 4-part Christmas carol together and it is an amazing and hilarious experience. 

-Eden moves to Los Angeles and finds a church home and a renewed faith at Reality LA, and he transforms into the godly man and spiritual leader that I want to marry. 

2012:

- I take my community health class and realize I have found my people. I find a mentor in Monica Donohue, a faithful woman of faith who leads my clinical rotation at a homeless shelter called Gateways. I find that my God-given yearnings and strengths lend itself to connecting compassionately with men and women who are on on the margins of society.

- I grow in my friendships with Bethaney, Kate, and Karen as we commit to lunch weekly together. We talk about everything under the sun and I am so blessed by their friendship. 

- I make the decision to move to Los Angeles after graduation to end the 3 years of long distance that Eden and I have walked through.

- I graduate from nursing school!

- I attend my first Christian Community Health Fellowship conference after much encouragement from Renee Lick and Skip McDonald, and uncharacteristically board multiple buses to get down to Tennessee. God answers so many prayers to meet the people I wanted to meet (including Dr. Katy White and Dr. Wayne Aoki), and I consider that it would be cool to volunteer at LA Christian Health Centers when I move to Los Angeles. 

- After many unanswered applications for jobs and much discouragement, God moves on my behalf. After emailing Isaac Voss from World Impact about working at their clinic, he informs he that they weren’t hiring but he could send my resume to Sharon Soper who worked at QueensCare Health and Faith Partnership, a small parish nursing organization. Out of God’s grace and a feeling that she had in her soul, she hires me even though I am a new graduate RN and I find my first job in Los Angeles. 

- I get the pleasure of living with the Les Mis ladies for a summer and see the power of Christian love in a home with some of the most godly and loving ladies I have ever met. I am bunk mates with Steph Denzer and begin a friendship with her. 

- God is gracious to basically hand me some amazing community on a silver platter because of the relationships that Eden already has. I love this Westwood community group and am blessed by the maturity of faith, the commitment to friendship, and the pursuit of prayer in this community of believers. 

- I love many aspects of my new job but struggle for months with feelings of inadequacy as a nurse without much support nearby. I learn a lot and make some incredible friendships with nurses like Brenda Cox and community health workers like Vanessa and Karina. 

- Eden gives me the proposal of the century on our 4th anniversary of dating, with my family flying out for the event, a meal prepared by me and Eden’s mothers, our close friends the Weiner’s waiting tables for us, and our church community swarming us at the end of the night. I skype with my closest Maryland girlfriends, cry reading the letters that people have prepared for me, and watch my future husband perform a song he wrote. It is one of the best nights of my life to date. 

- I become roommates with Meghan Prince, and suite mates with Allegra and Claire. It is a wonderful arrangement and I really come to cherish those friendships. 

2013:

- The wonderful and talented Megan Prince agrees to help me plan my wedding and we spend many delirious nights together. Krissy Bengtson designs some of the most beautiful invitations and artwork for my wedding.

- After a really difficult few months of feeling like I didn’t have what my patients needed, and feeling the need to grow my foundation of nursing knowledge, my nurse manager Sharon and I mutually agree that it would be best for me to leave my job at QueensCare Health and Faith Partnership and be part of a new graduate RN program in a hospital. I leave on good terms and am grateful to have learned so much from these amazing women. 

- I spend a few months unemployed before my wedding, which is humbling but also very freeing to focus on wedding planning. I apply for new grad RN programs without any response. And in another divine act of grace, Eden meets a new friend named Paul Song who is a prominent radiation oncologist, who has a relative who works on the oncology floor of Saint John’s Health Center. He sends my resume to Helen Blohm who sends it to Janice Frost, the oncology director. She brings me in for an interview for a CNA position but graciously allows me to interview for the new graduate RN position a few days afterwards. By God’s grace, she gives me the job! Because my honeymoon is during that cohort’s orientation period, I work for 6 months as a CNA before the next RN cohort and love serving my patients in a tangible (but low-pressure) way. 

- Eden and I have the wedding we have always hoped for, with a powerful sermon about Hosea and Gomer by Dave Slagle, a surprise flash mob dance planned by Meghan and Michaela, amazing friends that all pitched in sacrificial service, and our favorite people all in one place. It becomes my new favorite day of my life.

- We move into a condo in Culver City and begin our life together. Our first year is a sweet one filled with a lot of laughing and figuring things out. 

2014:

- I travel to Taiwan for the first time with Eden’s family and meet Eden’s uncle and grandma. 

- I start working as a new grad RN on the night shift, and have an interesting life sleeping from 9am - 4pm and spending time with Eden at 8am as I eat dinner and he eats breakfast. I thankfully sleep like a rock and it’s actually quite bearable. I learn a lot from the experienced nurses on my shift, and enjoy the sarcastic humor of my coworkers. I still struggle a lot with fear and feelings of inadequacy but it get a little easier as time passes. 

- we move into our home in South LA (you can read more about that here: https://bywayofreminder.tumblr.com/post/123100658544/its-not-safe-but-it-is-good) at the end of the year. 

2015:

- We go on a cruise to the Mediterranean with some amazing new friends and get to experience some breathtaking cities. 

- We officially part ways with our Reality LA family to pursue more intentional community with people in our neighborhood. We join a church plant called Cornerstone South LA and get to know a few families that have already made Crenshaw their home for a few years now. We get to participate in the kids camp they host every year called Love LA and get to see 80+ kids from the neighborhood get involved. 

- I struggle more profoundly with feeling like a failure this year but God gently reminds me of the sufficiency that Christ gives. 

2016:

- I start the year switching to day shift and although the daytime wake-sleep rhythm is improved, it stretches me with the amount of tasks and coordination that have to take place with my patients every day. Isaiah 41:10 is my mantra these days. 

- In the May of this year, I went to another Christian Community Health Fellowship conference and had a renewed sense of calling to community health and working with the underserved. I loved my oncology job in Santa Monica and it was a wonderful place to work, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that there were lines of people who would love to work in that hospital, and a much smaller pool of RN’s that would want to work in a clinic amongst the underserved. I tell my boss my thoughts and she is so gracious in her response to me. I start applying for community health jobs but nothing turns up for a few weeks. Then I get a phone call from my friend Debbie Waltman who is the director of nursing at LA Christian Health Centers, and they have an urgent need for a temporary RN to staff their Joshua House clinic in Skid Row. Though there isn’t a promise of permanent work after those 4 months, I felt an assurance that I should say yes, and quit my job at Saint John’s (with much kindness and blessing from my amazing coworkers) and began being the clinic nurse at Joshua House. (You can read more about this here) 

- We visit New Zealand with Fishermen Labs, and our marriage is tried as we drove from the bottom of the country to the top in a green Judy camper van. The country was breathtaking, the camper was not.

- I started learning calligraphy from a little handout from The Postman’s Knock. It isn’t pretty, but it’s something! 

- We start going to a church plant in the Crenshaw/Baldwin Hills area called Epiphany LA. We are refreshed by Pastor Tommy’s heart for discipleship and his passion for the hearts of people in his neighborhood, and grow to love this motley group of authentic believers seeking to lift up Jesus in the city.

2017:

- By God’s grace, I am given a permanent job as the second clinic RN at Joshua House and really enjoy my work there, with freedom to pray for patients and have heart-to-hearts with my patients as the Lord leads. 

- In September, I start in a new position of being the Charge RN for my department, a role that I didn’t feel ready for at the time but I’m glad that I agreed to. I realize that I actually love mentoring and shepherding the hearts of my nursing staff, and learn (often with growing pains) more about how to stay organized and have bigger picture vision. I am mentored by Shannon Fernando and am so encouraged by her sacrificial drive and passion for our staff and our patients. I am blessed by our weekly meetings and her prayers are powerful for the growth of my heart and mind that year. 

- Eden and I visit Yosemite and it becomes one of my new favorite places. 

- We go to Tokyo with Fishermen Labs and get to see Will and Chihiro get married! 

- We get to witness the beautiful weddings of Jackie & Charles, Sandy & Eric, and Stephany & Ricky

- Eden turns 30! 

2018:

- In February, I find out I am pregnant over FaceTime with Eden. I have an incredibly easy pregnancy until 13 weeks, when our world turns upside down with the news that our baby might not be viable and has an inexplicable sac of fluid in his or her pelvis. We are so blessed in those months with the love of our communities and the peace of our present God as we anticipate our little one’s birth. (You can read more about it here) 

- We visit Vancouver during our baby moon. 

- We get to visit Joanna and Dennis in San Francisco, and the Lord uses that friendship mightily in my life this year and the following one. 

- We get to see Shannon & Joe get hitched, as well as Jeff & Christy! 

- We meet our daughter Talitha Cumi Chen on 9/1/18. (More here)

 

- We are blessed with the love of our parents as they spend a month with us, helping my body to heal and keeping things afloat in the midst of a lot of chaos 

- I struggle immensely during the first 2 months of motherhood, unprepared for how emotionally, mentally, and physically tasking is the journey of learning to nurse and pump and just stay afloat. I often feel like Talitha is not connected to me and wonder if I’m cut out for this motherhood thing. 

2019:

- I transition to being a stay-at-home mom and working at my clinic once a week - mostly loving it but also struggling oftentimes with loneliness and a sense of meaning 

- Talitha has her 12-hour-long reconstructive surgery to correct her cloaca, and we experience such tangible otherworldly peace from God and overwhelming love from our tribe that fortified my faith in the Living God, our Refuge and Strength in times of trouble

- I see old friendships reignited as we walked through the furnace of suffering together

- I am part of a mom’s Bible study through Philippians and Romans 8 that teaches me about steadfast joy and my unshakeable identity in Christ

- We experience the blessing of health care practitioners who are excellent in their care, especially our surgical team and urologist who profoundly changed the trajectory of Talitha’s life for the better

- We learn how to catheterize Talitha’s bladder, with tears shed the first week but now it’s so easy it feels second nature

- Talitha has surgery to close her colostomy, and finally experiences life without any drains or bags attached to her 

- Talitha has her first poopy diaper ever and we take pictures of it while hootin’ and hollerin’

- We are cared for so well by my parents and in-laws who fly in for every surgery and take care of us and our home so that we can focus on helping Talitha recover

- I grow in deeper and invaluable friendship with 2 ladies from my church who are so beautifully different than me, learning how powerful it is to be known, accepted, and challenged with love. 

- I experiment with creating rhythms in my week so that my schedule can reflect what I say my priorities are

- I am able to leave Tali and LA for a week to fly and see my sister in Hong Kong to spend some sweet time together (thanks to my faithful hubby, Mama, and my dad who filled in the gaps while I was gone)

- Eden and I celebrate 6 years of marriage in San Diego

- We fly twice to Maryland and get to see Talitha meet her grandmas on both sides

- We celebrate Talitha turning 1 years old in Los Angeles with over 60 friends in our backyard

- We visit Banff and Kauai (traveling with a baby is a beast, ya’ll.) 

- I join a gym in my neighborhood called Thrive Health Labs with a recommendation from Jackie Hu and actually find myself enjoying going to 6am workout classes (focused on lifting weights, if you can believe that!) 

- We try out an Asian nanny from myasiannanny.com (and it does not work out)

- We hire my awesome friend Hya to help out with Tali and the house twice a week (and it has been life-changing)

- We almost finish our foster certification process (for the second time) but decide to withdraw from the process until we try to have another biological child first. We were advised to wait to finish certification until we are completely ready to open our home to a child in foster care right away. We are a little disappointed to put this off for a little while, but hope to reinstate our application in a couple years. 

It’s been such a faith-building exercise to recount all the deeds of the Lord. How faithful God has been through every season. The themes of His sufficiency over my insufficiency abound, and it’s something that I return to every year because my heart is so forgetful. I want to close with a hymn that I rediscovered while reading all my old blog posts that sums up this decade:

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater;

He sendeth more grace when the labours increase;

To added afflictions he addeth his mercy,

To multiplied trials, his multiplied peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources

Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

His love has no limits, his grace has no measure

His power has no boundary known unto men;

For out of his infinite riches in Jesus,

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

-Annie Johnson Flint, "He Giveth More Grace,”

[pi-stry]

Voltron Power Ranger AU *Spoilers*:

Disclaimers: *This AU may have been done before, but I have not seen any and I am sorry if it seems like I'm copying someone else's AU. Also, this AU is based on the NEW Power Rangers Movie that came out March 24, 2017, and any others in this series if and when they come out* *This AU will contain a lot of angst, especially towards the beginning as everything comes together*

This post is an in-depth first headcanon post for this AU. If you do have any problems with how I laid out this AU then please tell me so that I might try my best to change things, but there are thing about this AU I WILL NOT change, and those include (There maybe more added later); -What characters are which -Making canon AU ships (There won’t be any “canon” ships for now and you may ship who you want, as in the movie everyone interacted enough that anyone could just be shipped with anyone)

Location: A Small town named Altea

The item everybody is after: The quintessence crystal (source of life for Earth and other Planets)

Roles:

Ranger -> Paladins: -Red Ranger: Shiro -Blue Ranger: Hunk (This was hard for me to choose between Hunk and Pidge, but I feel like they fit their roles/personalities better this way) -Black Ranger: Lance -Yellow Ranger: Keith -Pink Ranger: Pidge I have a poll going on here: https://twitter.com/Anima_Zione/status/846189607331004417 to decide what and if I should change anything in this AU

Allies: -Alpha 5: Coran -Zordon: Alfor

Enemies: -Rita: Sendak -Goldar: One of the Robeasts -The rock creatures Rita summons: Galra drones

Character Headcanons: *SPOILERS* -Shiro: Species: Human - Japanese Family: Mom-Living, Dad-Living Lives: Lives with both of his parents in a house Story: Shiro is the star football player for his school (The Garrison, Mascot are lions) and while pulling a prank with some friends he gets in a car crash by himself while being chased by the cops and his arm is permanently injured (aka gone and replaced by a prosthetic) and because of this (and the fact he was placed under house arrest) he is unable to play football anymore. He attends detention on Saturdays at the school where he meets Pidge and Hunk. Fast forward to when they get their Ranger coins and the next morning, Shiro wakes up with no memory of how he got home, with great strength, and his arm is now upgraded (haven’t decided how yet), but plays it off as Hunk making a few adjustments to it. When training Coran replaces his regular human prosthetic with one that can help Shiro fight better (aka connects with Shiro’s armor, nerve feeling per Shiro’s request, and can match his new gained strength). He becomes the leader of the Rangers.

-Hunk: Species: Human - Samoan (idk if that’s spelled right) Family: Mom-Living, Dad-Deceased in war Lives: With his mom in a house Story: Hunk has a medical symptom that makes it hard for him to grasp humor, but not impossible. When he was young his died overseas at war, but before that whenever his dad was able to come home Hunk and him would go out exploring for stuff out in the local gold mines and after his dad died he continued this without his mom’s knowing. Hunk is only in detention because he had built a tracking device in order to find more of something he found, but it ended up exploding in his locker. After meeting the other Rangers, he finally has friends and a place where he feels he belongs after years of bullying from others.

-Lance: Species: Human - Cuban Family: Mom-Living (has a disease and is dying), Dad-Not in the picture, Siblings-Not in the picture (with their dad or off somewhere) Lives: In a mobile home park Story: When Lance was younger he was a part of a big and close-knit family and he absolutely admired his mom for who she was and what she did. But, around the time Lance was 8, his mom developed a brain disease that would kill her some day and his dad had decided that it would be best to leave with the kids, but because Lance adored his mom he refused to leave and instead stayed with his mom. Lance had soon stopped going to public school and was instead homeschooled by teachers his dad paid for because Lance refused to go to school just in case something happened to his mom. This went on for a few years until his dad stopped paying the teachers and was almost completely out of Lance and his mom’s lives except for a few birthday and Christmas cards. Lance had started working at whatever jobs he could find as his mom’s condition worsened to point where she couldn’t work, but even through all of this Lance tried to friendly, fun, and caring for others. When he meets the other Rangers he feels as if he’s found a new family he can trust in.

-Keith: Species: Human - Korean Family: Mom-Not in the Picture, Dad-Deceased, Siblings-None Lives: In an orphanage run by nuns (right now), but has had to move from one orphanage to another earlier due to disciplinary issues. Story: After moving 3 times in almost 2 years from one orphanage to another, Keith has become closed off to others and decides it’s better to not get involved with others. Keith doesn’t go to school much and usually hangs out near the local forest/goldmine to get away from things. After meeting the other Rangers he starts to open up, but not completely as he doesn’t know how long it’ll last.

-Pidge: Species: Human - American Family: Mom-Living, Dad-Works overseas in a lab, Siblings- One; Matt; works under his dad overseas at Kerberos Labs Story: With both her dad and brother gone overseas, Pidge’s mom has a hard time coping and starts to take it out on Pidge (not physically though. None of that) because she knows that when Pidge is done with school she’ll go to work with her dad and brother overseas. At this time also the person she likes (who she is sort of close with) wants to get with her friends and both of these incidents cause a lot of stress for Pidge until she snaps and betrays both her friends and the person she likes by sharing an indecent pic of the friend to the person she likes and punches one of their teeth out, this is what lands her in detention where she meets Shiro and Hunk. Because of what she did though, she is completely kicked out of her friend group and eventually quits track because of the peer pressure. She eventually becomes a Ranger and a friend to the others.

-Coran: Species: Android (talking robot) Family: None (he’s a robot) Lives: On the original Power Ranger’s ship Story: Coran is the Android that helped to train and guide the original Rangers and now helps this new team of Rangers.

-Alfor: Species: Altean or as he is rn a wall Family: All Deceased Lives: Within the wall of the Power Ranger control room within the ship) Story: Was the original Red Ranger (Funny because wasn’t he the Red Paladin in Voltron?) and after the first battle with Sendak that resulted in him and his entire team dying along with the end of the Cenozoic period, get placed into the wall of Ranger Ship by Coran, in order to preserve his consciousness and soul.

-Sendak: Species: Galra Family: None Lives: At the bottom of the sea for 65 million years and then is homeless Story: In this AU, Sendak takes the place of the main villain, Rita, but unlike her, Sendak wasn’t the original Green Ranger and instead stole the Green Ranger’s Power coin after killing them and then used the coin as a power source to summon a Robeast. Before Sendak could summon the Robeast though, the asteroid had crashed into the Earth and threw him into the ocean, but was able to survive (sort of) for 65 million years because the Green Ranger coin he stole had connected to him in a sense. After he reawakens he goes around Altea searching for the materials needed to summon the robeast (precious metals) and attacks the town for the quintessence crystal.

Extra Stuff that is changed from the canon stuff so the AU makes more sense: 1. Ages: Matt is 2-3 years older than Pidge and should be in Shiro’s grade, but he skipped ahead and is now working with his dad overseas at Kerberos Labs. Shiro, Lance, Hunk, Keith, and Pidge are all in high school (sophomores and up). 2. Hunk and Lance used to be childhood friends until Lance’s dad and siblings left. Lance started to stay home more and more until he stopped going to school. Hunk would sometimes see Lance in town, but never approached as he thought it would be awkward and he didn’t know what happened to Lance. 3. I would like for Pidge to be in the mindset of figuring out whether or not she is or will become transgender, but whatever happens with her decision on this will be decided later on down the road.

Extra stuff for the future as the AU progresses: 1. This movie has been said to have 5 more movies coming out and in the next one(?) a new Green Ranger will become part of the main team and in my mind, that’ll be Matt. Meaning that later on down the line Matt will become the Green Ranger in this AU unless their characters don’t match up and Matt either stays out of the picture for the most part or becomes the White Ranger (when the white ranger comes into the picture). 2. Allura will also be joining the Ranger team later on down the line as either the Green or White Ranger (Which ever she fits). In this AU Allura will be the reincarnation of Alfor’s  daughter who was also a Ranger, so There are going to be some awkward and sad moments between them. 3. PLEASE IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS OR HEADCANONS FOR THIS AU I WOULD ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO HEAR THEM!!!!!! Please message me about them here or on my twitter (@Anima_Zione)                                                 4. As stated before there WON’T be any main CANON SHIPS in this AU, but this does NOT mean that you can’t draw ship centric fanart or that I won’t post ship centric art either, they will just not apply to the AU as canon.

Disclaimers: *This AU may have been done before, but I have not seen any and I am sorry if it seems like I'm copying someone else's AU. Also, this AU is based on the NEW Power Rangers Movie that came out March 24, 2017, and any others in this series if and when they come out* *This AU will contain a lot of angst, especially towards the beginning as everything comes together*

[omglr]

ama mgtow

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You both like feminism.

Stranger: Hi I am a MGTOW . Ask me anything . If you are seeing this message again , disconnect .

You: howdy

You: hmmm, how is going your own way treating you?

Stranger: treating you?

Stranger: whats that supposed to mean?

You: do you enjoy it?

Stranger: yeah

You: cool

You: good for you

Stranger: thanks but is that all? i thought a humans can be creative enough . ask me something else

You: what does going your own way look like?

You: did you have to move out of the city?

You: do you live on a commune?

You: is it a cool farm space with anarchist organizing structures?

Stranger: its pretty normal i guess

Stranger: no

Stranger: no

You: or is it a bleak capitalist wet dream like galt's hidden mountain pass in atlas shrugged?

Stranger: i have no idea

You: oh,

Stranger: i have no idea

You: are you recruiting other men?

Stranger: hmm thats interesting . well not really

Stranger: but i am thinking of doing so

Stranger: like all other mgtows

You: i see

You: why did you decide to go your own way?

Stranger: because it makes the most sense to me personally like many other men

You: does the world of women scare you?

Stranger: world of women? you think thats a different world?

Stranger: well yes

Stranger: because i have things to lose

Stranger: rn

Stranger: once i dont have any

Stranger: then i wouldnt be scared prob

You: what might you lose?

Stranger: well money in the form of childsupports and alimony / my freedom in a lose sense / my happines /my kids (maybe in future)

Stranger: or maybe money to just appease a whamen

Stranger: like buying her gifts and such

You: have you ever dated a woman?

Stranger: nope not really because i never acted even if they were interested

You: are you interested in sex?

Stranger: well thats a no brainer , an average man is def gonna be interested in sex . the only major difference is that i dont mind being a virgin/celibate all my life

You: some men are asexual

Stranger: nah i am anything but asexual

You: what do you do for money?

Stranger: i am studying rn

Stranger: to give you an idea i am 19 yo

You: oh

You: that's very young

Stranger: well i am not a child anymore

Stranger: atleast not mentally

You: what are you studying?

Stranger: as compared to most men my age

Stranger: electronics

Stranger: soon transitioning into ai/ml

Stranger: and minors are physics and mathematics

Stranger: but i have a good amount of knowledge in history / philosophy / psychology and economics

You: have you considered taking a gender studies class?

Stranger: nah not really

Stranger: i will do my independant analysis of the subject

You: it might be nice to have some structure/guidance from folks who don't want you to be a virgin forever?

Stranger: from folks ? like whamen? srsly i dont care if a remain a virgin all my life. whats so bad about that?

Stranger: see i dont want children

You: what are whamen?

Stranger: so tell me why i should get romantically involved with women?

Stranger: women

You: at this moment i don't think you should get involved with women,

You: i am worried you would have issues with uh... misogyny that would get you in trouble

Stranger: misogyny? lol because i said whamen? its a slang for women in the meme community and is meant as a light hearted joke

Stranger: even if i am a misogynist i would never act on it because as i said before i have much to lose

You: so, just thinking maybe you need to round out your education with some information provided by women about women?

Stranger: ever heard of the saying women dont know what they want themselves?

Stranger: never trust a women's words

Stranger: but only her actions

You: yeah, that's what i'm talking about

You: that's the misogyny

Stranger: well its not really because its a practical solution to get laid with women

Stranger: if someone wants too

Stranger: not me

You: cool, that's fine

You: women have lots to offer besides sex

Stranger: like?

You: uh..... anything?

Stranger: so you cant come up with a single thing that women can offer besides sex

You: i just think you can't see women as people?

You: and if you can't imagine things that people do that benifit people that's weird?

Stranger: what i am saying is that whatever a woman can provide to a man can be provided by his best friends except sex and children

Stranger: if i dont want sex and children

You: a woman could be your best friend

Stranger: well its unlikely

Stranger: in most cases one or the another starts to fall for each other

You: i mean, its a self fulfilling prophecy

You: that you won't have meaningful relationships with women

Stranger: well the thing is that women can be my best friends but for the most part men are the best friends of other men

Stranger: am i wrong?

Stranger: like many women were in fact when i was younger

Stranger: but those 'friends' were actually interested in me . in essence i was the one who friendzoned them

You: ...i don't know man, judging the world off of how teenagers treat eachother is a pretty stunted outlook

Stranger: yes i know its pretty grim

Stranger: but its our reality or maybe soon to be one

Stranger: so ask me anything else?

You: when you are done school will you go your own way?

Stranger: i am going my own way rn

Stranger: and ever after

You: what does going your own way mean?

You: cause i was imagining like a lesbian separatist commune, but full of dudes and boring

Stranger: by not marrying/cohabitating/or hooking up with women . but the most important is to spread the philosophy of mgtow among men

You: what about collaborating with women?

Stranger: nah i'll hard pass

Stranger: i can do so without them

Stranger: even if i cant i would make use of them and discard them after their utility

You: lol

Stranger: to further my goal

Stranger: either by hook or by crook i will acheive what i aim for

You: what area of enployment do you think you'll end up in?

Stranger: as in field of work?

You: yeah

Stranger: well i would prob be in politics or have my own tech startup

You: and you wouldn't hire women?

Stranger: well i wouldnt need to because i said before too , i am going into ai and electronics field

Stranger: i will make sure everything is automated

Stranger: in my company

Stranger: except maybe select few jobs

You: is your mom smart?

Stranger: prob yes

Stranger: in a conventional sense

You: are there any women you respect?

You: that if they offered you a job in 2 years when you are done school that you would happily work for?

Stranger: not really except prob my sister . even then AWALT holds true

Stranger: no

You: what's awalt?

Stranger: because i dont want a family and just have to look for myself

Stranger: and thats relatively easy

Stranger: so i dont mind living on the streets if everything else fails

Stranger: or maybe in jail

Stranger: or maybe become a monk

You: uh...

Stranger: and awalt means all(many) women are like that

You: do you have inherited wealth?

Stranger: no i am fairly middle class

Stranger: atleast my parents are

Stranger: but i sure as hell need immense money for my next step

You: but if a woman at a tech company offered you a job, you'ld rather be homeless?

Stranger: yeah prob i will . i would rather have my own tech company than work in any other be it a man or a woman

You: even if it provided you training and money that could be helpful in your next step?

Stranger: and since i will soon be emigrating to china i would not be forced to do affirmative actions for women and select people (that is if its necessary) and select thembased on pure merit

Stranger: hmm maybe then i think

You: where do you live now?

Stranger: uk

You: cool...

You: brighton?

Stranger: nope

You: ok

Stranger: so anything else ? it was an relatively enjoyable chat

You: so... you enjoyed getting attention from women on an intellectual basis?

Stranger: this was by no means an intellectual conversation

Stranger: but it was amicable and light hearted one

You: lol, you enjoyed having a woman pick your brain about your expertise/eccentricity

Stranger: nah not really , i have had intense intellectual debates before

You: mildly challenging you to question your teenage misogyny

Stranger: and trust me some of the ideas put forward were stunning

Stranger: this was pretty average intellectually it was more about me personally

You: lol, alright dude

You: i mean you prombted an AMA convo

You: and didn't ask me anything about myself

Stranger: yes i know but you could have asked me about general mgtow stuff

Stranger: or its philosophy

You: but its cool i'm not particularly stunned by your thoughts

Stranger: because i didnt even bother to present them

You: yeah, i'm not that interested in it, i'm more into whats up with you

Stranger: well alright lemme ask you few questions then

Stranger: down?

You: cool

Stranger: where you from?

Stranger: nvm

Stranger: just asl

You: canada, 34 female

Stranger: hmm alright

Stranger: married?

You: sort of

You: in a ltr

Stranger: interesting

Stranger: ever been in one

Stranger: ?

You: yes, i've been in multiple long term relationships

Stranger: nah only marriage

Stranger: i mean were you married before

You: i've been married too

Stranger: yes

Stranger: thats what i was asking

Stranger: from which age to which age?

You: 22-27

Stranger: hmm thats fairly young

You: yeah

Stranger: and how long has this relationship been going on for?

You: 20-27

Stranger: how long is this current relationship been going on for?

You: 6 years

Stranger: 28 - 34?

You: yeah

Stranger: but there is not much gap between when you got divorced

Stranger: and your current relationship

You: sure

Stranger: how come you have had many ltrs?

Stranger: how many?

You: 3

You: well 4 but that one doesnt count

Stranger: and how many sexual romantice partners uptil now? i mean did you go through the 'wild phase' when you were in college

Stranger: ?

You: i'm not sure the point of this questioning

Stranger: well its very much relevant to the mgtow ideology

Stranger: if you dont wanna answer thats alright i would assume it to be in double digits

You: yeah

Stranger: yeah i figured

You: lol

Stranger: so you got married at 20 you say?

You: 22

Stranger: and can you describe your ex husband?

Stranger: as in was he average

Stranger: ?

Stranger: in looks

Stranger: dick size etc

Stranger: was wealthy

Stranger: or not and so on

You: she was a woman

Stranger: ohh thats even more interesting

Stranger: bisexual?

You: we met in college, and got married, but had had different ideas for what we wanted out of life

You: yeah, she's bi, i'm mostly a lesbian

Stranger: but how come you have partners in double digits? were it all males ? is your current partner a male too?

You: no, i'm dating a woman, we are poly

You: i had sex as a teenager too

Stranger: open relationship thing?

You: yeah

Stranger: so you hook up with men too?

You: my marriage was open too

Stranger: or only women?

You: a mix

Stranger: yeah i figured lol

Stranger: but even then

Stranger: atleast you are a lesbian

Stranger: so its better

Stranger: well that was pretty interesting no doubt lol

Stranger: do you want kids?

Stranger: are you religious?

You: i don't think i want kids

Stranger: fair enough

You: i was raised secular, but my gf is jewish and its very cool

Stranger: so you are jewish then?

You: so i might be religious

Stranger: ohh alright

Stranger: any particular hobbies?

You: idk, i haven't converted

Stranger: nah its all cool

You: drawing, writing, bikes, camping, videogames, tv, making things

Stranger: hmm so not much academically inclined

Stranger: you majored in which subject?

You: visual arts

Stranger: whats that?

You: i went to art school

Stranger: hmm alright that does make sense

You: i did Cyber-arts in undergrad

Stranger: hmm i dont have any idea but alright cool i guess

You: and interdisciplinary studies for my masters

You: yeah, its was like "tech-art"

Stranger: well i did get an idea when you elaborated a bit

Stranger: so whats your future plan?

Stranger: plan on gettinh married?

Stranger: *getting

Stranger: with her

You: make art, fight the government, live with my gf out of wedlock

Stranger: well thats a coincidence , we have atleast something in common

You: yep

Stranger: but alright i have already made up my mind about you

You: ok

Stranger: and i think you are better than most women because you atleast stay away from men

You: ha ha

Stranger: thats all i have to say

Stranger: anyways anything else?

You: its true, men don't have a lot to offer

You: me^

Stranger: well yes i agree , men are practically redundant for women and family

Stranger: but they provided something of value historically thats for sure

Stranger: but anyways thats for another day prob

Stranger: wanna ask me something else?

Stranger: any questions left?

You: yeah, well, i mean if you see a gender studies class open up, i thin you should consider taking it

You: you seem to like "intelectual convos" you can find them there

Stranger: nah lol an american mgtow did take an introductory class to gender studies

Stranger: *classes

Stranger: and did a 100 page analysis of the subject

Stranger: not to mention the fact that i defeated most of the gender studies/sociology majors in debate

Stranger: here on omegle

Stranger: and elsewhere on the internet

You: well again, i'm more interested in your reaction to the source materials and how that might help you

Stranger: why do you think i need help?

You: idk i don't want to insult you

Stranger: lol you think i really care? there is no shaming tactic anywhere that would work on us mgtows

Stranger: i am immune to it all

You: its just think a teenage guy invested hard in the manosphere is a sad way to start manhood

You: and not very healthy

Stranger: lol

You: but you'll figure it out

Stranger: it is healthy for some men atleast

Stranger: and i am one of them

You: mmmmm,maybe you are?

Stranger: and this is the best way to start manhood

You: ok, you do you

Stranger: ofcourse everyone should be able to do so

Stranger: but yeah thats that

You: cool

You: take care of yourself

Stranger: k

Stranger: and if you see me again

Stranger: just skip

You: lol

You: ok

Stranger: yeah i am serious

Stranger: i dont want to keep talking to same select group of people

You: maybe i'll pretend to be someone else

Stranger: hmm

Stranger: ok

Stranger: anyways i gotta go talk to someone else because i have limited time left

Stranger: thanks for an amicable ama

You: if you really want to get out of your bubble

You: try one of those classes

You: take care

You have disconnected.

[rootsandrivers-blog]

My First Time at the Oak

Miriam Clark | 10/15/2018

I loaded up my backpack with watercolors, water, paintbrushes, pencils, paper, and my sketchpad. I also grabbed a red camping chair and my daughter’s hot pink lap-clipboard to use as a table. I drove to the oak tree Ellee had told me about and was ready for action.

Plunking down in my chair and getting out my supplies I was struck by the quiet of the place. No one was under the tree – though there was clearly a campsite set up. Occasionally, a mother with a stroller or a commuter on a bike would pass, but for the most part I was in solitude. The sun glistened on the tree and I could hear kids playing at the nearby school, birds chirping, and cars in the distance. For about 45 minutes I was alone, and I was beginning to think this would be an entirely solo experience.

Suddenly three people pulled up from behind on bikes. A woman, I later learned was named Emma, was shouting, “We got the cans.” A man who had been laying down under the blankets out of my view, popped up. Watching their arrival, I immediately felt nervous. Here I was, sitting only about 20 feet from their belongings with really no reason to be there. My worries were soon calmed, though, when one of the men on a bike (I’d later learn was Matt) said to me, “That’s so awesome that you’re doing art. I’m just about to go get some more art supplies.” They got to work sorting cans and didn’t pay any more attention to me. I kept painting.

An older man wearing REI-style hiking shorts walked past. “Beautiful day!” he said to me, “And my, look at this tree! Amazing it can grow so big despite all the changes in weather we have.” I nodded and smiled and he proceeded on his urban hike.

Matt ran after him, “Excuse me,” I heard him say, but I couldn’t hear the details of the rest of the conversation. I did hear words like, “City Council”, “Plan,” “Hoping to make it work.” Matt and the older man bid farewell and I heard Matt back with his friends, “See guys? Everyone agrees with me. We totally need to do this.”

I kept painting, but my curiosity was getting to me and I needed to learn more. I got up from my seat and went and sat by the four around the tree. Unsure how to proceed I said, “Uh, hi, uh, can I, uh, ask you some questions?”

“Sure!” they all responded. The three that had come on bikes were clearly more than happy to talk. I learned they were Emma, Matt and Bobby. The fourth – the one who had been unnoticeably laying under the tree earlier – stayed out of the conversation. Instead, he sat off to the edge mainly smoking and – at one point – injecting himself with something.

The introductions helped me feel more at ease and I was ready to jump in, “Well, I heard you mention something about City Council to that guy and I just wondered what you were saying,”

Matt told me that he has plans to get walls available for graffiti here in Eugene – because the ones they had previously were removed. “There needs to be a place where people can express themselves,” he told me and I nodded. He told me his plans to fundraise for the project at a local arcade and how he’d be presenting it to City Council.

Emma told me Matt’s “an awesome artist” and I asked if I could see his work. He immediately wrote down his email, his Instagram handle and his Facebook name. He tore the page out and I promised I’d check out his social media pages.

Matt asked me what I do, and I said I’m a student at UO. When they pressed for more, I told them that I am a PhD student in the Prevention Science department.

“You’re a PhD student?” Emma asked, “So that means you’ve done, like, all the other degrees? Man, I’ve never taken even one college class.”

She paused for my response. “Would you like to?” I asked.

She said, “Well yeah I mean I’d like to be an RN midwife, but I mean, the apocalypse is coming and all so it doesn’t really matter that I have the actual ‘RN’ but I would like to have the knowledge, you know, so that I can deliver babies, because I mean what good is the RN going to do me? But the knowledge that's what I need.” I nodded and watched as she pulled out a needle. I noticed scars on her body where she’d likely put needles to use.

Matt said, “But what would you have to do to be able to go to school?”

She sighed loudly, “Well, I mean, my record is fucked up. I mean, I’ve got all this fucking stuff on it that I don’t even. I mean, like I have a fucking ‘teenage runaway’ on there because I got picked up when I was 27 and they thought I was someone I wasn’t. But if I wanted to get that off I would have had to go into the fucking judge and talk to him about that, so of course that’s still on there.”

I nodded, trying to act like I could relate.

She held up a necklace for me to see, “Do you like this?”

“Oh, that’s pretty!” I told her and she tossed it to me.

“Oh, uh, thanks, you didn’t have to do that,” I said.

“Well, I know I didn’t have to, but I just thought you might like it. I found it in a trash can. People throw all kinds of stuff in the trash. I think it’s real. Or maybe it’s not,” she showed me some of her other treasures.

Bobby, who was sitting a little farther off from me said, “So in school have you taken any grant writing classes?”

“Not yet,” I told him, “But, next year I have one.”

“But like, you could write a grant if you wanted to, right?” he pressed.

“Well, I have before,” I said, not sure where this conversation was heading, “I haven’t always gotten the ones I’ve applied for though.”

He told me about his upbringing on an organic marijuana farm in Grants Pass and how he’d like to start a program where homeless people can come and work on farms like his family’s. “I have a house in Grants Pass, you know,” he said, “But I wanted to come up here and show that I could live away from that for a while and that I could make things work.” He threw me something that landed on the ground.

“Uh, what’s that?” I asked.

“I made it for you,” he smiled. I looked down and noticed he’d weaved a flower out of grass.

“Wow,” I said, “It’s beautiful.”

“I was down in San Jose,” he said, “and I could make $300 a day making those for people.”

Emma scoffed. “I can make $50 in a half hour holding a sign that says ‘Fuck-you’.”

“Yeah, but just think about what’s better,” Bobby countered.

“OK, yeah, I know,” Emma looked down.

I looked at the time and realized I had to pick up my daughters from school. “We’ll be in touch,” I told them and they all were eager to hear that. “We’re playing guitar outside Sizzle Pie almost every night,” Emma told me. I promised I’d come listen sometime.

As I piled my stuff in the car and drove home, I felt this could be the start of any number of stories. It would take some time to decide which way I wanted to go.  

[adambstingus]

Are You The One Season Finale Recap: Just Put Me Out of My Goddamn Misery (PART TWO)

Since everyone bitches and whines about how long my recaps are, I separated them into two parts. Pick up a book, you lazy pieces of shit and read part 1 here >>

Chuck is like, were not going to win so next match ceremony Im picking Britni and everyone is like Chuck and Alec start yelling at each other and having a food fight, which pisses off Alec more because hes a firm believer that you should never waste food.

Alec: WE SHOULD NEVER QUIT Chuck: Eat a dick dude

Chuck goes up to push Alec, which is a huge mistake surfer brah, and Alec shoves Chuck to the ground like hes made of paper. Alec, congrats, your ovaries have officially transformed into a small chode of a penis. Gotta start somewhere.

Britni is like You would shove Chuck, who btw looks like a Ken doll version of the lead singer of AFI, for money?! Thats some shit ONLY poor people would say. Britni, people have done way worse shit for way less money. Read a book, tune into the news, watch Empire (or read my recaps).

Rashida and Devin are like And I agree. I did not sit through 10 weeks of this retarded shit to watch yall give up.

Devin is like If I can get this fresh batch of mentally incapable humans to win this stupid fucking reality show, it would be equivalent to the greatest feat in sports history. Which sport? Speed walking? Turn on ESPN Devin, I fucking dare you.

Zak and Hannah are mourning the fact that they arent a match, and tbh, I am too.

Cheyenne is talking to Devin about how he is disrespectful and is like

Devin: (actual quote) Im a shit head, but not a total shit head. – I honestly dont even need to try and be funny for these recaps, they all say enough stupid shit where I dont even have to try.

THE GAME

Chuck is like, I was hammered last night and said dumb shit and Im going to actually play this thing. Thank god Chuck, otherwise I seriously would have cunt punted you, and your little dog too! (Britni)

The game is the easiest one of the season: its an obstacle course with girls sitting on their back. There is a true/false section, where if the team guesses it right, then they get 30 seconds off their time.

Zak and Kayla are in first, which is crazy because Zak might be the smallest out of all of them. Alec is terrible with this shit and is back to being a giant bitch.

Melanie and Tyler go to the true or false thing, where Mel admits she offered Chuck a threesome, which is a new low.

Kayla and Zak win, being the Italian stallions. Rashida and Devin get second and Mel/Tyler get third because they answered the question right- aka, Mel is a closeted freak.

Stacey is talking to Nelson about how she has no idea who her match is and shes talking so fast I could have sworn it was a Gilmore Girls episode. You can def tell Stacey is fucking hammered in this, but its cool. I love Stacey. And apparently so does Nelson. Okay whatever.

Meanwhile, Alec is flirting with Amanda and Kiki is like WTF. Which is literally her reaction to everything- WTF.

THE DATE

Theyre hanging out on fucking boat that doesnt even have a bar. That sounds like some Life of Pi shit.

Devin and Rashida are flirting and shes like except this shitty white guy with a butt chin.

Zak and Kayla are like you remind me of my family so they must be a match- some fucking Freudian shit right there. Chelsey the aspiring psychologist is probably fucking creaming her pants somewhere in the distance.

Tyler and Melanie are like, were besties and Tyler thinks thats code for match but Mel was like,

THE TRUTH BOOTH

The group makes a smart decision for once ,(they probably all broke out in hives afterwards because we all know they are allergic to brainpower), and send Zak and Kayla to the truth booth. Hannah is like Hannah save the stupid lines for Hunter please, babe.

Zak and Kayla make their way to the truth booth, looking like a set of fraternal twins walking into their grandmas 90th birthday. Not gonna lie, Im stressed right now. Im on bottle number 2 of wine, and shit is REAL rn.

Results are in and- THEYRE A PERFECT MATCH! YAAAAAAASSSS.

Everyone is screaming and jumping while Hannah is like, . Its okay Hanz, its not like these matches are real. Those rules arent even real! They were real that day I wore a vest!

Alec and Kiki are flirting and they are drunk AF and Kiki is like Shes talking about how she got stupid fucking matching bracelets for her perfect match and Im like

Devin is doing his shit math again using red solo cups, I feel like an algebra class is being taught in a frat house. Aka this shit is dumb AF.

They determine there are two scenarios- one where Kiki mtches with Alec, and one where she doesnt. Guess which one best friends forever bracelet Kiki wants?

The decide to use deductive reasoning and rationality.

Jk, they decide to flip a fucking coin. I CANT RIGHT NOW WITH YOU PEOPLE. Hunter is like Here is a quarter and ew, I dont trust anyone who has change offhand like that. Get a fucking debit card, you hillbilly fuck.

Kiki is upset because they get scenario one, but you know if the coin flipped for the scenario she wanted shed be like PERFECT! ITS ALL SETTLED, THIS COIN IS HOLY.

Tyler is like, Fuck your heart Tyler, fuck it. Austin is like WOAH you need to figure this shit out. Like I dont mean to sound aggressive, but if you fuck us all over were probs gonna stab you.

Never did I ever think that the game would rest in Tylers hands. Take a drink to that.

THE FINAL MATCH UP CEREMONY

Devin is like, there is a high possibility we lose- not high, almost definite. But he thinks they chose scenario one for a reason, that reason being a coin flip.

Ryan gives some speech about love and how they need it and its like, save it Ryan. Empire comes on in 20 minutes and I need to get this show on the road.

Austin is first and he picks Britni– basing it off the fact that he wanted a girlfriend who would be a ghost for most of their relationship and they would get together eventually when it was convenient. You know what thats called? A fuckbuddy. You came on a reality show to find a fuckbuddy. May I suggest Tinder next time?

Hunter is next, and Ryan is like, do you all have a strategy? And hes like clearly fate isnt on our side, so we decided to do a coin flip. So, fates not on your side, and you decided to rely on it again? Seems legit.

Ryan is like, And Connor and Chelsey are like

Hunter picks Hannah, which is a weird match but whatever I dont care anymore. Im gonna be honest, this whole season I thought Hunter was secretly gay.

Devin is up next and he picks Rashida. Rashida, girl, I have been praying for you. Clearly I am a sinner because my prayers have not been well received. My b.

Tyler is up next and were all on edge. Hes like I think Melanie is my match truly and this is the biggest plotline he has had all season, so hes rollin with it. Tyler ends up picking Cheyenne, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.

Alec picks Amanda, and Kiki is like WTF (again). What is she gonna do with her bracelet?!!!!

Nelson picks Stacey and RyDev is like, And shes like, Okay, thatll work. Cant wait for an invite to the wedding.

Chuck is up next and gives an inspiring speech. Well, it would be inspiring if he wasnt talking to a band of idiots who put their fate in a coin toss and if he didnt look like a homeless folk singer.

Chuck picks Melanie. Shes like, well this sucks because well never date because hes still fucking Brittni. Maybe you can get that threesome you wanted, skank.

Kiki is last, and ends up alone, well, because her match is Mike. #tbt to Mike. LOL. She shows those bracelets to Ryan and Ryan tries so hard not to fucking vomit on her. Kiki is like I am not confident at all Mike is my match and honestly, ditto.

The beams and RyDevs dramatic hand motions begin. They get 4 beams, which they have never gotten before, so #progress..They get a 5th, then a 6th, then a 7th. Everyone is on edge as fuck, and I am stunned into complete silence at home. Even my boyfriend, who has migrated out of the room is whispering no fucking way to himself. Idk if he is saying that because hes surprised Im silent for once, or surprised that they just might actually win.

They get 8 OMG, They literally need one more to win the fucking game. Im shaking.

THEY GOT TEN BEAMS! THEY WIN THE FUCKING GAME.

MIRACLES HAPPEN (queue song from The Princess Diaries)

MTV IS THE LAND OF DREAMS

IM CRYING

IM SCREAMING, I FEEL THINGS

Okay, Im back. Wow Im hammered. So its made clear- either MTV is a magical place where miracles prevail, or this shit is staged AF. I mean, we all saw The Hills.

Wow, thats it for this season and this truly unique group of escaped mental patents. Thanks for reading, even though, lets be honest- I made your shitty Thursdays infinitely better. And to the cast who read and tweeted me, thanks for having a thick skin. Low key surprised I havent received a death threat from Britni by now. Good luck existing in the real world, you all are sure gonna need it. And if youre ever in California, come buy me a beer, because god knows I deserve one for putting up with your shit.

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2), a.prevBody{display: none;}

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/are-you-the-one-season-finale-recap-just-put-me-out-of-my-goddamn-misery-part-two/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/178560286887

[cyanpeacock]

Can I bitch for a while? I'm gonna bitch. This is gonna go places I definitely wouldn't talk about sober but I really need to say some things so under the cut we go

Ok so there is a lot in my life that I do not like right now and I have a tendency of blaming/criticising myself for the things I don't like when I can't necessarily control my circumstances. Like, right now I can't control my health, or my income, which are the two major stressors I'm dealing with rn, but precisely because I can't control them I feel upset and angry w/ myself. I don't like not being in complete control of my situation. Paradoxically I also don't like not having anyone to tell me how to fill my time. P much my entire life I have spent trying to be something specific for someone specific and the amount of freedom I have now is often terrifying and overwhelming. It was in a way easier to hide inside myself and let my body carry out whatever instructions were given to me. But like, that's not a life. That's being a non-sentient robot. That's slavery.

You know like the fact he picked me? He had five people in that family alone to choose from to groom that way and he picked me. Now he's moved onto another family and chosen another slave. And it really upsets me. I feel singled out as vulnerable and easily moulded and weak. I can't even warn or protect his new victim. So now I don't engage with anybody new at all because I'm convinced they can see that I'm not strong and will use my weakness to their advantage. I will not allow myself the risk of being hurt and used again, but that also denies me any chance of forming a positive relationship. I'm safe but I'm alone. Being alone hurts, but it hurts less than being unsafe.

I survived everything, but that doesn't mean I haven't been left with a self that automatically vacates the building whenever it thinks it's threatened. And a threat can be fucking anything. Somebody stands a millimetre too close? Threat. A certain make of car? Threat. Too quiet or too loud? Unspecified noise in the hallway? A miscommunication? A glance from a stranger? Something missing from its normal place? All threats. I'm either on alert or dissociating all the fucking time and it's so draining. It's stopping me from enjoying life.

It takes so much out of me to say "no, I can't do that for you." For so much of my life it has been easier to just obey quietly and not establish any boundaries around my self. You give me a direct order and I'll obey, even if I don't want to obey. It's automatic. I don't know my limits because I've always pushed myself beyond them into a breakdown. No adult in my life ever saw the harm it was doing me or helped me. Instead I got praise for pushing myself to the point of falling apart, and now I can't tell whether I should stop and rest, or whether I'm a lazy little brat who needs to buck up and get on with things.

The one adult in my life who ever showed any kind of love or care for me is the same adult who hit and kicked me more than anyone else. Do you know what it's like when a hug feels like violence is sure to follow? I'm so sorry if you do. She called me a selfish little cow to my face when I cut myself and now has the nerve to tell me, and herself, that she loves me. I don't know if I'm more fucked in the head, or if she is.

I've spent years trying to deny that there is more than one person(ality state?) inside my head, but they are not going away, and I don't know what to do about it. The boundaries are sometimes fuzzy and they might go quiet for a while but they always seem to come back, at least the same two (and me) do.

The point I'm getting at is, Marc has been loud again recently. My mother would call him stroppy, but that's a discredit to how much pain he is in. I think he holds that which I can't feel and it's all really fucked up. I think he's where a lot of the anger and despair get packaged away to, because he doesn't seem to know any happy that isn't tainted with revenge or grief. He's angry and hurt and defensive and aggressive and harbours a massive need to Protect, and a massive guilt for all the times he Failed to Protect. So he hides, because then he has no responsibility to protect, and nobody to reveal his failure to. He's ashamed and would rather take it out on himself than hurt anybody else, but he doesn't know how to do neither of those things.

There is the Kid too. To the Kid, the Kid is a nameless It, but to me he is a he and should share my name, but he doesn't, and he/it won't take those things (yet? ever?). I think he's a little boy who has been degendered and dehumanised to the point he doesn't recognise himself as a male human. He's from Before and holds things from Before that I don't remember, or only remember flashes of. Frankly I'm often scared shitless of engaging with him, more scared than I am of engaging with Marc, because I have not enough strength and no idea how to reparent a child that went through the upbringing this body did. Marc responds to headbutting, the Kid does not. I know the Kid is sad and alone and it is often far too painful to even reach out and touch that.

Once I had a visitor who called herself Amy, who was bright and bubbly and took this body to the corner shop while we(who?) were scared and watching. She came at a point where the body could not afford to care any more, but once she left she never came back, and I don't know if she is gone forever or having a very long sleep. She didn't care and she felt joyous. I miss that.

There has been at least one time this body has been seen in public and "I" haven't recognised people who are very important to me. I find that fucking terrifying. Like, I knew I sometimes went outside dissociated, but not even recognising my best friend?? That's something different to the extent I was aware of, and it's really frightening.

So I'm alone, but I'm not alone. I'm alone with at least two others who lived the same events as I did. Alone with two others whose body was hit and kicked and belittled and insulted and isolated and ostracised and groomed and made into a slave. The same body that was homeless at 18. The same body that turned to opioids for a comfort its parents never gave. And none of us have the right tools or skills to manage this life yet.

I feel like damaged goods. I feel like an Amazon order that the buyer would send back complaining of rough treatment in the warehouse. I feel like I haven't really aged since my trauma 'ended'. It's been nearly two years since I moved out of the YMCA, almost three since I moved in, and a chunk of my soul still lives there. I turn 21 in about a month, but I still feel 18. It's like the world just hasn't turned since then.

I don't know how to have a life now, like a LIFE life. I only know how to survive well enough to grind through the education system, and succeed well enough in that to be praised for at least one thing about my inferior body, but I can't keep up the pace I used to now that I'm not under threat of literal death. I got too sick and I had to stop studying and now I don't feel like I have any worth. All I was ever worth was what I could do for others, and now I'm not even sure I have that. I just want to have a purpose again. I can convince myself I'll ultimately help many people when I'm studying, but right now I am not studying, or helping others, and there are so many possible futures that I can see. It is overwhelming. Every moment, every decision, all of it is different and uncharted and very beautiful in its uniqueness but so frightening in its unpredictability.

Sleep is the closest I have to a respite without drugs, and even then I often have the nightmares. This morning I woke up punching thin air where I thought his face was. Weed stops the worst of the flashbacks and nightmares, but I'm broke, so I can't afford the illegal medicine that eases the worst of this aftermath I'm living with. I think it's fucked up that there are doctors I see who would sooner have me taking four different prescription pills instead of vaporising less than half a gram of a plant that deals with all four issues those pills are meant to manage, and then some.

Everything is just fucked. But whatever. There is nothing I can do to change my past, or certain elements of what is inside my head. But what-the-fuck-ever. I'm drinking and right now I don't care and I'm liberated and I bought a new mattress topper so I'm hopefully going to be extra confy sleeping tonight. Historically everything has been shit. I just need to figure out how to put that stuff in the box it belongs in and live the rest of my life.

[georgiacollender-blog]

Charlotte Josephine

CJ Two ways of writing: having a plan and not. Inspired by everyday life. Writes little but often then puts the pieces together like a puzzle. - Confidence - Reading and language - Watching alot - Space and respect Write a list of colours: Pink Purple Green Red Brown Yellow Orange Blue Chocolate bars: Mars Twix Kit Kat Galaxy Bounty Kinder bueno Bathroom cupboard: Toothbrush Deodorant Tampons Toilet roll Perfume Sun cream Tablets Teenagers bedroom: Plates Cups Bed Dressing table Clothes Shoes Straighteners Lady handbag Make up Tampons Purse Phone The pill Paracetamol Book Diary List of fans as tic lies I need to feed my fish My bus was late I need to see my Nan I find it easier when no one else is in the room to do my presentation You're my fave I love you A list of things todo when embarrassed Go toilet Bite nails Put the focus on someone else Go red Shit myself Play with my hair Look at my feet Leave the room Pretend you don't care Think of being in bed/comfort zone A list of BIRTHDAY cake wishes I want to meet Harry styles I wish for a someone to love me I wish for concert tickets I wish for money I wish for everyone to be happy I wish for no arguments I wish to have the people who mean most, forever I wish for my friends to come home from uni I wish for a mini A list of things that terrify us Spiders Losing my friends Being hated by everyone Not going anywhere in life Disappointing my family Death The unknown My pets dying Never having kids Getting pregnant at the wrong time Throwing away something I didn't realise was important. A list of things you'd find on a summer holiday: Factor 50 suncream A burnt ginger Alcohol Books People awake at 7 to put a towel on a sunbed Tanned people Lost languages A list of hiding places: My bed My car Millie's house The park Under my bed Behind a door I'm a hole Under the stairs Anywhere dark The green room Aunty jos house The library Things never said to a parent I smoke You're child is a Cunt You raised you're kid shit I've fucked your daughter I hate you Places to stand when the sea is rough In bed Somewhere where there is no sea On a boat In the sea with a snorkel Pavement Masculine or feminine things Blue Pink Muscles Hard labour Giving birth Emotions Trust someone: Raw Honestly Hearing what you don't want to but need to Having my back when I'm not in the room Being there when I need them most Answering the phone Going along with my lies Meeting your girlfriends parents for the first time: "Hi John nice to meet you, yes this is your daughter, yes she's wearing my top and no, she hasn't got shoes on because she was at mine last night not at Chloes like she said and yes that is my cum in her hair" - as if I'm going to say that out loud as my first words to John but it's definitely what's running through my head rn... how about a simple hello and hand shake, that could work right? But I don't want him to think I'm too formal.. fuck. Right that's it I'm not going. I don't understand why first impressions are always hard. When In actual fact it a simple hello. Everyone seems to always over think it. Ofcourse I want to make a good impression but I'd much rather not lick his ass hole because a year down the line he's going to know the real me and know I was putting on this front to impress him. Why can't I go in with the simple "alright mate, I'm your daughters new boyfriend, I respect her a lot fuck on a daily and think she's fucking hilarious" but nah got to respect that although he knows that the hand he just shook has actually be all over his daughter... he's thinking, I'm thinking it, might as well say it right? But instead I go with the, "nice to meet Mr Smith, I'm Daniel" "do I work?" Well yeah in a bar one day a week I'm still a student.. "still a student at the age of 21... living of mummy and daddy still then?" Why the fuck do I need to be questioned about what I do as long as what I'm doing makes me happy, I'm living my life not you. Blake: Age: 21 Cats or dogs: Dogs Live: house in leatherhead How do they spend their days: High as a kite writing music for the homeless. What is a smell that calms them: Petrol Three words to describe them(mum): a little podgy, good boy, likes candles Happiest on holiday: Florida At 8 he wanted to be: Fireman Item of clothing wear too much: Adidas original jumper in Kaki Phrase to often: but think of the homeless man Secret: I have a kid Roll model: my nan Fave drink: Redbull Vodka and Lime Lost virginity: his family friend Louise at 18 (he begged her init) On his own he dances to ballets Deeper secret: he is a professional ballet dancer Parents : mum is his world dad is a rich wanker Place: His studio, his workspace but also his hobby, he has his own chair (that no one else can use) others can join him but not use his chair. There is a hidden mirror for when he wants to practise ballet. Blue dim to the room - no windows. Constant music playing, there's a window to the booth that has a sticker of his dog and nan on the right hand corner. Smells like hard work, has a little can of petrol hidden under his desk where is chair is for when he gets stressed. There a aircon unit that always makes a slight noise of fresh air coming into the room. Everything is black apart from the lighting. Wearing something unusual: he's wearing a leotard under his clothes - it quite tight but he likes it, no one can see it but he knows he's wearing it. Smells fresh out the packet never had one before but always envious when watching professional ballet people wear one. I didn't mean todo it, it just... *sitting in his studio* staring at his hidden mirror - reveals it from behind its curtain. Looking at himself in his new leotard practising first position. A 1,2,3 second 1,2,3 first 1,2,3 second 1,2,3 first... *phone rings - it's zain* Wag1 Blake I'll be outside in 2. Blake: gets dressed quickly, hides his 'ballet for beginners book' and sits in his chair.. zain opens the door "oiiii wag1 G what you saying" Blake realises the mirror is still on show.. "shit" Madting when did you get a mirror in here..." B:"errrm yesterday init... it's for..." Z: it looks sick bro, makes the room feel massive.. Zain sits down Z: "oi you heard this new tune" Plays some bad man song Blake tries to release his wedgie that his leotard is giving him.. Zain is oblivious keeps mixing music Blakes burst out "I didn't mean todo it, it's just one day I saw your sister...." Z: "what do you mean my sister..." Blake: it just she was standing there in her leotard and it got me... Z: got you what bruv why you looking at my sister in a leotard bruv are you a pedo or something Blake: wait what... Z: staring at my sister whilst she's dancing wtf if wrong with you Blake: no no bruv it's not like that.. I wasn't looking at her because she had no clothes on.. I mean very little clothes on and don't get me wrong she looked fit init but" Z"what the fuck do you meeeeeeaaaan, what didn't you mean todo stare at her fat peachy beautiful ass" Blake: wait what... Z: forget get that... Blake: nah it's just I was fascinated Z: fascinated by Me and An old man in an army uniform We are in a very busy train station on a Monday morning I want success But there is a shark in the way I'm a busker, I've tried making it in acting, I've tried making it in dance and now singing but here I am... Monday morning the busy crowd is coming and I'm playing my guitar... people chuck coins and pennies and some cunt chucks a button... all I've ever wanted is success.. all I ever need is success but my success and the worlds are completely different, I just want to be heard, respected and a warm house to go home to, to see my loving family. I see an old man approaching.. he's wearing a uniform shit do I need to run? My license doesn't cover this station... I start packing my away my equipment, collecting my scraps of money... I look up again and he's just standing there... his uniform looks worn but well kept, badges glistening.. his boots are shinny and still smell of polish. He chucks a £50 note in my case.. "I tried to make it one time too but the army called for me instead" I stare.... my heart still racing from preparing to out run the Feds... He reaching out a hand to help me up... I take the offer, my hands trembling from adrenaline. BOTH HAVE THE SAME SHARK TATTOO. Fish tank This is England Shane meadows I really enjoyed Charlottes workshop as she opened my mind to write everything and anything and atleast one of them if not more will blossom. You don't have to have an order or a reason when you first start just start. I find writing terrifying, I'm always cautious that it won't have a good ending, beginning or even an interesting plot but Charlotte made me feel so comfortable to just write. Going forward I definitely will write down any ideas even if I leave them for months and revisit them with a fresh mind. Overall when it comes to writing my own script I will not give up and I will accept mental blocks and stop to allow my brain to breathe. Watching films and TV series really inspire me to help build characters however Charlotte opened my eyes to embrace what is happening in the moment day to day, as well as through books and seeing live theatre. There is never too much detail to a character or a place.