#but tbh by the looks of it he seemed unwell! which is sad because i really wanted him to be okay..

[thotsfortherapy]

hmmmm... ran into my ex today

[theninjasanctuary]

The usual year in review post, just to have some documentation of what went down and how I felt about it. It is way too long, but on the upside, includes cat pictures.

This year:

I got a cat, by accident. Found an abandoned kitten by the side of a country road, where I would have preferred not to be at all (morning of a damp end-of-August Monday, the boyf needed all the help he could get with a sudden, ill-timed delivery of building materials, it was hard work), and not to be walking on (broken e-scooter). But as nobody else walks there (everyone is driving), I was that kitten's only chance, as he was too small and too scared to walk over to the nearest houses (noisy tractor in a field between him and said houses), and definitely too small to make it on his own, his only realistic options were ending up either as roadkill or a fox or hawk snack. It still upsets me just how small this chance was. With a working scooter, I would have just zipped past there and probably not heard him crying (he was doing short-interval distress meows, hiding in the roadside weeds, when he heard my footsteps - and came out and let me pick him up when I stopped and talked to him). And I would not have a hefty, beautiful, sweet and affectionate 6-month-old kitten napping on my sofa right now (and while I was writing this draft in the kitchen, he woke up and came asking for cuddles). It's been a ride, an expensive one, and a source of new worries and a lot of initial stress (he's never been spicy, but was inadvertently scratchy as fuck, always climbing up my legs; thankfully he is fine with getting his nails trimmed and has mostly stopped trying to climb people), and the unwanted responsibility still annoys me (he's quite attached to me, but I'll go on a week-long trip in a month, how will he manage?). He was fine when we were out seeing friends for New Year's Eve though (came home after 5 AM).

This is the first picture I took of him, texting it to the boyf who was a few minutes behind me with the caption "Alone and screaming". He had some fresh scratches on his face (I thought they'd have matched the paw of another kitten) and looked sad and worried for the first couple of weeks.

And here's one from October, he loves a chance to poke at my laptop.

It took me a while to accept the idea we might keep him. The boyf, surprisingly, was much more keen on this, despite being against the idea of pets before, and adores the furry critter even though it tends to focus its affections on me. I thought we'd have to give him away because my niblings who occasionally come around are allergic, but it has been manageable, and they love him and he apparently likes them and plays nicely. I have posted here earlier about being sad about not having a nice, huggable cat, and always had the idea I would get cats again at some point, said point being when I would be rich and living in mom's house out of town, by then fully renovated, which still feels unachieveable; and I had thought about tabbies being cute (even if first choice might still be a calico or tortie, like my childhood cat was). So here we are. No house, still mostly broke, but the huggable cat has materialized.

Obviously there were other things happening. I seem to have mostly got over the grief of last year by the end of this one. Possibly it got overshadowed by the awfulness of a full-scale fucking war happening in the region. Still, I remember just crying every night around last Christmas, and none of that is happening now, I somehow feel okay. I still felt distinctly awful and down this spring (with the context of said war being new and feeling scarier than it does now), but it's possible the grief part got overtaken with work and other private stresses over the summer (and then the stress of unexpected pet ownership). Life without Dad is not great, but it is better than life would have been if he was still alive but desperately unwell, and tbh it's a relief he's not seeing this war. I don't dwell on what ifs much. It has also been a relief that I am getting along with my mother better than I expected, she isn't wallowing and manages to keep herself active and entertained, and my little brother is helpful and constructive as always, so between us, we have managed to keep up with most of the things that need to be taken care of.

I struggled with work, this year may well have been the worst my lack of focus has EVER been, due to listed stressors above, but I still somehow managed to complete a relatively major thing, and did passably at lesser tasks. Currently not concerned about being fired, and about to get a pay rise, which is welcome, because cost of living has gone up and I've struggled to make ends meet this year, nvm saving. Not in the red by the end of the year, which is good, but basically no savings except a few hundred in cash and pension funds.

I started drinking coffee daily after more than 20 years. Most of you won't remember the amount of concerned messaging about osteoporosis that was around when I was in my teens (although I probably did all that damage and probably more with an eating disorder and Pepsi Max over the next few years). So, for most of my adult life, I had a few cups per year as a treat, even though it messed with my blood pressure due to having low caffeine tolerance (drinking green tea by the bucketloads doesn't really build that up). Upon getting an office job in 2018, I started drinking a cup most days I was there (due to stress and lack of sleep and needing to treat myself, but also because one of the several competing coffee stations in the building did, and still does, big mugs of good café au lait for a decent 1.30 € per cup). And I missed that office coffee sorely during Covid movement restrictions/working from home. So the boyf gave me a good coffee machine for last Christmas (Philips, LatteGo 5000something), which came with some free beans that were actually really good, so I've been repurchasing those most of the year. Trying to not ruin my sleep, I stick to 1, occasionally 2 per day, and it's a small cup and by far not the strongest settings, but am genuinely enjoying it. It's not helping me focus at all, but helps me feel more awake for a short while, I guess, as well as get chores done. A side effect was craving coffee on a work trip in the US and finding out how bad it was, it tastes burnt and in most cases is not nearly strong enough. Could not finish a small (meaning, twice the size of my usual cup at home) Starbucks cappuccino, just beige milk awfulness. Am mystified by their coffee obsession having witnessed what's on offer.

As for travelling, some work travel after what seems like ages: went to the US for the first time since Obama's second term, and enjoyed my first visit to the PNW (a nice hotel with a random upgrade to a massive room all by myself; plenty of good company, a road trip to the Olympic peninsula with a friend, it was great). I would consider going back there at some point, even though the US scares the f out of me, and I know there's a massive earthquake overdue.

As for travel on my own money, went to Paris only once - there were plans to see a live in February, but it was postponed to May due to Covid again, and that gave me an excuse to not deal with my birthday (I just didn't feel like doing a garden party without my Dad there). Memories of that trip seem vague in hindsight, and it was just a few days, but it was nice: pretty spring weather, quite warm in the end, but the greenery still fresh and blossoming. Instagram reminds me there were also Eric Kayser sandwiches, I saw an interesting museum I hadn't been to and overate on my birthday. Bought some skincare as usual, but not much else, I think. And in early September, did a day trip to Helsinki again after not having been there for several years, it was interesting to see how things had, or had not changed, also lovely weather, but it felt a bit odd particularly with the kitten waiting at home alone (he was fine; I know for a fact he's pretty non-neurotic, stable and self-confident as far as cats go, but I still worry about him missing us, etc.).

On the upside, the summer was nice, I think, although the heat was a bit much for a while and there was work stress, but I managed to enjoy gardening, etc., and some socializing. I did waste a lot of June on being unwell though, having picked up a bastard of a viral cold from the coast of the Pacific that became monstrous on my trip back from the US and gave me an incredible combo of eye and ear and throat infection, had to go to emergency care with my eyes swollen af and leaking globs of pus-like gunk, could barely speak for a bit and had hearing problems for weeks, and had to take 3 kinds of antibiotics (eye drops and pills) to get back to normal. So that was a whole ride. And on top of that, since the summer was kind of strenuous with lots of physical work involved, my knees could eventually not take it any longer and in October I had to go to emergency care for a second time when my right knee became swollen and I could barely walk. Pills fixed it fast, thankfully. I should get a more thorough checkup with an MRI, but it'll be a hassle. And to finish the shitty health year in style, got Covid for the second time in December (it was mild and I didn't even test positive, but a family member eventually did). The only upside is that between being stressed and sick, I ended up losing a noticeable amount of weight despite eating whatever the f I wanted, including disgraceful amounts of sugar.

As far as hobbies go, I kept at hunting for fantastic second-hand clothes and footwear, and finding joy in dressing well, as well as indulging my inner plant person; my orchids, old and new, all bloomed, and I kept buying more. Thankfully the cat only destroyed one of my plants, an already ailing adiantum raddianum, and appears to have lost interest in the rest. I have however barely watched any series, nvm films the entire year, which is something I should try to fix.

No dramatic promises for 2023, but eating better is something I'll try to put effort into. And ffs, driving school.

[honeydazai]

with a reader who has anemia

characters: Fyodor Dostoevsky, Dazai Osamu, Chūya Nakahara, Nikolai Gogol

so, FYODOR is anemic himself

he understands your suffering well enough

he often gets dizzy when standing up and so do you

romantic couple experiences ☺️☺️

both of your hands are always cold

so neither of you can warm the other up

which is sad

but at least he won't complain if you sleep beneath multiple blankets at night!!

headaches are a constant annoyance for you both

Ivan will carry painkillers for you two to share 👍🏻

when you're about to faint, he might try and catch you

but if he gets up too quickly, his own legs suddenly give out 🤧🤧

now you both collapsed

congratulations

he doesn't mind you clinging to his side if you're feeling exhausted just from standing for too long

he's got the same problem, but he's too prideful to use you as support LMAO

instead tries to casually lean against a wall to ease the exhaustion

also, he probably never takes his meds

relatable

if you're female and his s/o though, you're in tough luck

because he knows that anemia with women can lead to complications during pregnancy

so if there's any plans of you and him ever having a child, he'll force you to take your medication

even if he doesn't take his own

hypocrisy at its finest 🤨🤨

“Hm? Are you feeling exhausted already? Oh my, you're in a worse condition than I am today. Just hold onto my arm, then. I've said before that it doesn't bother me when you use me as support.”

DAZAI actually knows you're anemic before you even tell him

the signs are all there - your regular complaints about headaches and the way you cling to him when you're cold, despite the temperature not being low at all

the way you get so pale when having to stand for too long, your nausea-

yeah, it's quite obvious to him

so when you actually faint around him, he's prepared to catch you

he's quite dramatic about it, too

thinks the way he caught you in his arms is romantic <3

he actually likes that your skin's all pale, claims that it's pretty 🤨🤨

also, he kind of enjoys it when you lean against his side while walking when you get exhausted??

it makes him feel..... needed

if you're on a walk together and you need to sit down and catch your breath, Dazai always makes sure you don't feel like a bother

especially if he knows you're insecure about it, he makes up excuses for you to get some rest

he's like

"oh, darling, look! there's this new crêpe shop I wanted to check out! I'll get us some, you already go and save us a seat, alright?"

and even though it might not seem like it to you, he does take your condition seriously

immediately worries the moment your lips pale more than usual

he's overdramatic tbh

BUT HE JUST WANTS YOU TO BE ALRIGHT

YOU'RE EVERYTHING HE LIVES FOR

he's allowed to be a little worried

“Belladonna, you're looking really pale! Is it the anemia? Please lay down if you're feeling unwell. Look, we'll lift your legs up so you'll feel better, alright? This would be such a sad place for you to die! And how rude of you, too, to not take me with you.”

the first time CHŪYA notices that you're not entirely healthy is when he's walking you home after a date

since it's already dark outside and he can't help but worry, he insists on bringing you to your doorstep

a gentleman 😼😼

you're chatting cheerfully, Chūya's coat draped over your shoulders since you mentioned you're cold, when you suddenly ask him to stop for a moment

the second you sink to the ground to sit down for just a second, he's worried

have you been poisoned?? drugged??? are you getting your period??

you're quick to mention that you've simply got anemia before he panics

he's like

huh??

man has never heard of anemia in his life

as soon as you're less dizzy, you explain that it's just iron deficiency and that there's multiple symptoms to it

Chūya decides then and there that anemia sucks

now that he's aware, he's always ready to support you

will absolutely catch you when you suddenly faint or just so much as stagger a little

either in his arms or through using his ability if he's too far away

will scold you if you stand up too quickly and get all dizzy

honestly, he's overprotective

incredibly worried

will carry all your groceries for you if you're feeling weak

lets you cling to his side to support your weight

also, he's not scared to pick a fight if someone ever complains about you walking too slowly or needing to take a break

if said person doesn't back off after he yells or swears at them, he's won't hesitate to get physical

will use his ability, but doesn't have to

also likes to just break a jerk's nose while you sit, look pretty and rest

“No, love, please don't cry. That guy was an asshole and I took care of him, alright? He won't bother you again. Come on, I've got you. Just lean against me if you get dizzy again. I also don't mind carrying you, though.”

despite knowing Fyodor, NIKOLAI doesn't have a lot of experience in dealing with anemia

"not a lot" meaning none

the first time he notices you getting all dizzy and weak when standing up too quickly, he doesn't really react

probably thinks it's a one-time thing

the moment he gets that those moments of weakness happen regularly, he's confused

decides to just ask you about it

after you tell him about your illness, he has some kind of light bulb moment

he's like

OOOOH

finally understands why you nap a lot and suffer from constant headaches

honestly, a relationship with Nikolai can be difficult at times

this topic is no exception

it's, well, a double-edged sword

will mock your weak immune system tbh

he's like

“we literally went outside once and you already caught a cold?? LMAO you're just as bad as dos-kun!”

but he does care for you when you're sick!!

he's very clingy in general and it only gets worse when you feel bad or are in pain

you don't even have to mention you're cold, he simply always gives you something of his to wear

and he doesn't take no for an answer <3

he's constantly sticking to your side with some form of physical contact happening

cuddles might not help your headaches or nausea, but at least you're less cold

if you faint, he's at your side in an instant

though he might not take it very seriously 💔💔

he's just like

“oopsie-daisy, looks like you fell again! you're so silly!”

still, he's at least loyal and clings to you 24/7

when you need to lie down on the bathroom floor with your legs elevated, he's sitting next to you on the ground

no matter how long it takes until you feel better

“Oh, you need to sit down? Of course I'm joining you on the floor! Wait, I just had an idea - I could also just carry you everywhere. Oh, that'd be fun! Which one are you choosing; bridal style or a piggyback ride?”

notes: i was never able to relate to cute Fyodor imagines that are like "he's got anemia and cold hands, he cuddles close to you for warmth", so I decided to write something for readers with anemia LIKE ME 💔💔 we're an anemic power couple now, as long as we don't stand up too quickly.

if you liked this, consider tipping me on ko-fi! it'd mean a lot!

[missmaywemeetagain]

Hey Sorry to hear you’re unwell I hope you have a speedy recovery and just all the happiness because you’re writing just brings me pure joy. I wanted to ask what’s you’re favourite silly/goofy photo of Elvis (it’s a tricky question because I love all of them) but here are some of mine 😆🥰

I love theses one because he just looks like someone’s little cousin and it makes me giggle

And theses one just feel chaotic and again love that for him.

OMG BABY thank you for these and I'm so glad I can bring you some joy!! 🥰 Those "cheese!" smile pics from the 50's are my FAVORITE! Like he seems so innocent and cute and content and like a "normal"youngster and it's just so specific to that era for him. I'm not sure I've seen him like that at all after like '57/'58 (which makes me a little sad tbh, and I think maybe had something to do with his mom's death and going into the army...)

His chaotic energy makes me so happy. I honestly think he was the goofiest man-child in so many ways and that we didn't get to see a lot of that for a variety of reasons, so I'm so glad for the goofy chaos he did show us!

In addition to yours, here are some of my faves!

[kiseiakhun]

OKAY SHIP BINGO PART 2: HALKYLE, GUYHAL, JOHNHAL, ALL 4, GO!

you sent this for the last ship bingo but I'm just going to pretend it's for this one

Halkyle

bingo in the middle row (but I forgot to highlight it) <3 I just. I love them. I love them so much. They hit that Good older guy/younger person aesthetic, and just!! Gestures at all of their history!!! Even when Hal was trying to hurt him Kyle was still like, I'm sure you're a great guy! Let's talk this out! And like, Hal is so sad? Whenever he hurts Kyle? He's like, I've had Kyle for a day and a half and if anyone hurts him. I will kill you. They saw each other and were immediately like 👀 and it's love. It's true love, bitch. Hal and Kyle stan each other SO MUCH. People (Sinestro) can insult Hal and spit in his face as much as they want but as soon as they look at Kyle the wrong way Hal is just like WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY. I WILL FIGHT YOU. Hal's motto is "you will respect Kyle or you will respect these hands." I'm just. Screams into my hands. I LOVE THEM. Not as much as they love each other, though.

Also this cover:

YOU. I'M. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FCUCKCKKKK. DOES THIS LOOK LIKE HAL IS TRYING TO TAKE KYLE'S RING FROM HIM? DOES IT LOOK LIKE HAL'S THE AGGRESSOR HERE? How do they publish this and expect people to see them as platonic. Literally HOW!!!! I'm losing my mind. I'm Unwell. I'm unwell over them. Kyle and Hal keep getting tossed together in lovers plots, and do I even need to mention the plane? Also my FAVOURITE, my favourite part-

Hal is the one willing to be the villain, to go to extremes. Kyle is loved by all, a shining beacon of light and hope and courage held up as the epitome of what a hero should be. And yet Kyle's the one willing to take that last step. Kyle's the one willing to go to extremes, to deal the killing blow where Hal might falter. Kyle understands sacrifice in grand gestures, but for Hal it's more small. Hal gives up a little every day, and most people don't see it. Kyle sees it, though. Kyle sees all of him. He's peered into the darkest, ugliest parts of Hal and he'll still hold out his hand and say, that's not all of you. That's not all you can be. You're a hero. You're good. Of course you're good, and I believe in the best of you.

Guyhal

ANOTHER SHIP I AM GONE FOR. If Kyle always sees the best of Hal, Guy sees him for what he is, in the present. Guy draws out the ugliest parts of him and he doesn't flinch or try to turn his head away. And Hal gets Guy. He gets Guy on a visceral level, in a way that Kyle and John don't. They can spill their messy parts around each other. They can fall as low as they can and trust the other will yank them back up, fists swinging. It's that whole brothers-in-arms aesthetic, starting with fists and bruises and slowly getting to know each other in the downtime. They throw barbs at each other as often as not, but they love each other! Platonic or otherwise! They care SO MUCH about each other and it's so clear to each other, even if they don't always show it in a way other people can understand.

However, if it's just them by themselves... I can't help but feel like it's a bomb waiting to go off. I need to throw someone else in there. Hal and Guy are both, how do we put it... hard to get along with. Like, they are great at stirring the pot, and being obnoxious and annoying, and they don't get along at the best of times, and they're both vicious in a fight. They're either going to burn each other down or burn the world down. Guy's first instinct is to fight, and Hal can't help himself from responding to an attack. When there's an issue, Guy gets in your face and forces you to confront it, but Hal shuts down. He's loud, and brash, but he seems introverted with his thinking. He gets moody and sullen and mean, and I don't think Guy deals good with passive aggression. He's too direct.

Johnhal

John is my weak spot when it comes to the lanterns, I need to learn more about him... I want to... This feels like a more calming combo than the other ones. Not just the other ships you sent me, but any other combo of ships when it comes to these four. The two of them really seem like the mom and dad of the Earth lanterns, tbh, even if Hal tries to shirk his responsibilities and play absentee dad every so often. However, with how often Hal tends to draw into his own head and become self-centred tbh, it does seem like it might become one-sided? John stands up for Hal a lot, but he does have the tendency to forgive him far too quickly, and also, they're both prideful bastards. If it ever comes time that they stand on opposite sides of a situation... well, I wouldn't want to stand between them. And the fallout would be catastrophic. If John or Hal become aware of their feelings for each other, I don't see either of them taking the first step. They're both too cautious, even if their caution comes in different forms, and tbh I can see both of them unconsciously sabotaging their relationship. Like, see, it won't work out, because of circumstances outside of my control. Ah well. Can't help it.

Which segues nicely into...

All four

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚🥺 I LOVE THEM. I love them SO much. I am so gone for them, they make me so stupid, foursome or gonesome. They're just. They love each other! They've seen each other at their lowest and they love each other and they will always love each other! All of them have been through SO MUCH and after all this time they're still standing by each others sides, it's the perfect picture of a found family, the perfect picture of found love, hrngh they make me INSANE I want to smack each of their asses and make them kiss. They deserve... everything... they deserve EACH OTHER. All of the downsides I've mentioned with the previous ships can be solved! By adding other people! By adding the rest of the polycule! Include them. INCLUDE THEM. Guy and Hal being rude assholes? Bam, Kyle and John, forcing them to not kill each other and also communicate with their mouth words. Hal and John withdrawing into themselves? Oh no, here's Kyle making puppy eyes at them and Guy dragging all of their repressed issues into the light. Is Kyle annoying Hal by being too clingy? It's okay! There's two other people for him to cling to!! It all WORKS OUT. IT ALL WORKS OUT PERFECTLY.

Lies down. You know I am weak for teams who are also all dating. They just. They love... they love each other... I love them... they are everything to me. They should all kiss. It will be sexy.

[ship bingo]

[sailorshadzter]

Prompt: Ancient! Rome AU: After the Starks were branded as traitors Sansa becomes a political hostage of emperor Joffrey and is expected to marry him, however her hatred for him increases each passing day as he forces her to watch the gory executions of her people in form of gladiator fights. One day a new gladiator enters the coliseum: it's Jon

id like to start out by saying i KNOW NOTHING of this time period LOL

but its always been a time period ive been interested in and someday when im not so obsessed with the tudor era in england, ill read about something else. tbh i kind of want to get some more info because as ive finished writing this piece, im entertaining the idea of continuing it. maybe just a part 2 because i have another idea! 

ANYWAYS. thanks for the request. i hope you enjoy :)  

ps. its set with the backstory of jon being a stark/targ, but rather than being raised among the starks, he’s raised among the night’s watch. 

send me prompts

Another day, another summons to join Joffrey in the stadium.

Sansa sighs but does her best to smile for the man in her doorway, for she knows any sense of displeasure would be told to the emperor without hesitation. The man, seemingly satisfied with her response, bows and backs out from the room, allowing the door to slam closed behind.

When she's alone, all of the fight leaves her and she sinks into the nearest chair, head in hands. Yet another day where she's to be forced to witness the gruesome violence that is the gladiator colosseum. Every drop of blood is a reminder of her father's execution, every hour spent in the crowd only more fuel for her nightmares. "My lady... perhaps you are feeling unwell this morning?" It's Shae, her ever loyal handmaiden, prompting her with an excuse she might use to get out of the day's events. But Sansa smiles for her lady and shakes her head, instead rising up from the chair. She is braver than that, than running away from what frightens her.

She might yet be betrothed to a tyrant, chained to a family that had the rest of her's murdered in cold blood... But she was a Stark, through and through, and though she was so very far from the North, she could feel the strength that her home offered. I am a Stark, she thinks as Shae begins to undress her from her nightgown, I am strong because I am a Stark.

She was a Stark and so she would be brave.

[ x x x ]

He can hear the crowd shouting, screaming, gasping.

The horror of it all, this gladiator colosseum , even for a seasoned soldier such as himself is tough to take. He's heard of it of course, even way up North in the midst of the Night's Watch, they know some of what goes on in the South. He's heard the rumors of the mad ruler Joffrey, who prefers violence to peace, who abuses the lowest of servants and most noble of knights. There is no one who is immune to the emperor's temper- save for maybe his mother, the golden haired Lannister queen who ruled alongside his father for many of the last twenty years.

Suddenly, the crowd is roaring and Jon feels his stomach turn over. A moment later, the door that leads out into the stadium flies open and before anyone can speak, he knows what's happening. "Your turn." A gruff voice says a moment before he's shoved out the door and into the sunlight.

All around him, eyes are staring down at him; they scream and they stomp their feet, eager to see the blood bath continue on. In front of him, Jon meets gazes with his opponent, an undefeated mountain of a man, who's chest is smeared with blood that is most certainly not his own. Jon gulps. He's skilled enough of a fighter, but against this brute seems impossible. And from the state of the battefield, from the rumors of this man's strength... Jon has to wonder if this will be his end. After everything he's seen, after everything that he's done... This is where it all will come to and end.

From where she sits beside Joffrey in the emperor's box, Sansa sees the newest recruit come out into the stadium center. Her breath catches in her throat- she's seen hair like that before and it certainly wasn't there in the South. Beside Joffrey, ser Merryn leans in to speak to him. "From the North," he says, shooting a sidelong glance at the young woman seated beside the emperor. Sure enough, as Sansa had thought, this was a man from the North, from her home. But how, she wonders, watching the man as he squares up in front of Joffrey's champion, the Mountain, how has a Northern man ended up here?

"Ah, one of those black crows, eh?" Joffrey asks, green eyes flashing with danger in the sunlight. "Do you know him, sweet lady?" His eyes are upon her instead and for a moment, she freezes. "He looks like your traitor father." Joffrey goes on, gesturing towards the gladiator that now raises a sword as the battle prepares to begin. "But all your traitor brothers are dead, so I imagine it's just another piss poor criminal from Wintertown." Joffrey turns away from her then, back to facing the fight that's just begun.

[ x x x ]

One more swing, one more!

He's pushing himself, harder and further than he's ever pushed himself before. For the first time in all his life, he's thankful for his short stature, giving him ample opportunity over the beast of a man he's facing. Where the man is slow, Jon is quick. His agile movements are too much for him and Jon knows by the end of the third round that if he gets the right chance, he might actually survive.

Now it's the sixth round and Jon knows the final moment must come.

And so he puts it all into this last swing- a quick upper cut movement that catches the Mountain off guard- and for the several moments after he lands back on his feet, Jon isn't certain he's managed to pull it off. But then he glances at his sword- it's stained crimson and dripping. Behind him, he hears the man stagger and then, the crowd goes silent as he falls to his knees and then to the ground. Dead.

Then... The crowd erupts.

[ x x x ]

It's no more than a few minutes when he's approached by the man in charge of the gladiators and another man, well dressed and fair-haired. "You, boy." The gladiator barks, catching Jon's attention where he stands, mid-wiping the blood from his hands. "Come with us."

"To where?" Jon asks, dark gaze sharper than his voice. "I was told if I won I would have my freedom back." He only longs to return North, to find Ghost and live out his days in a place where no one might ever find him.

"And your freedom you shall have," the second man speaks, his green eyes bright in the sunlight that streams in through the nearby open window. "As winner in the stadium, you have the great honor of meeting our emperor." He continues, gesturing for him to take a left down the corridor and towards a door that leads up a set up stairs, which sure enough as he climbs up them Jon can hear the emperor's harsh laughter.

Stepping through the doorway, Jon is lead across the way to where the emperor sits, but it is not the man that catches Jon's interest first. Rather, it is a young woman with hair a shade of vibrant red that seems quite out of sorts among these blonde and brunette southerners. He's seen that shade of hair color before, a Tully born boy who had once joined the ranks of the Night's Watch had hair of the same shade. But beyond the color of her hair... She was beautiful. So beautiful that when she turns to face him, the breath is stolen from his lungs. Her eyes are clear and blue, but lovely as they might be, he finds their gaze to be sad, the eyes of a woman lost.

"So you've defeated my champion."

The sharp voice belongs to the emperor, who Jon has quite honestly forgotten was there. He turns to face the man instead, though he's hesitant to tear his gaze from the lovely woman at his side. "Aye, so I have." Jon replies, lifting his shoulders in a slight shrug. "It was that or die. I preferred the first option." For a second, there is only silence, until Joffrey lets out a laugh that startles those around them.

"A jester are you, crow?" Joffrey takes a step closer to where Jon stands and it's only then that Jon notices the striking resemblance between him and the man that had led him up to where he stands now. "You would make a far better champion." Now Jon knows where this is going. "I can make you a wealthy man, far wealthier than your meager coins made in the ranks of the crows." He's offering him a choice- to stay and be his new champion of the gladiator colosseum , or... "Or you may go, it is the law of the colosseum and I am a man of my word." Beside him, the young woman flinches, but it is so quick that Jon is certain he's the only one who's noticed. "But be my champion, I will give you all the wealth you could dream of."

For what feels like a lifetime, Jon stands there, silent and still. Only moments ago, his answer had been strong, had been absolute. But now that he stands there in the presence of this young woman, something is nagging at him. Something about her is calling out to him and despite it all, he wants to heed her call. He doesn't even know her name, but with that single glance, she's set fire to his heart and soul.

And so, he nods; he will be the emperor's new champion.

[trailerparkflower]

Borderline personality disorder + Steve Harrington?...

So I was thinking about how Steve acts in relationships, researched dependency from the partner and then found a lot of info about BPD, wich made me think what many of the disorder symptoms are very fitting to Steve and explains some things in his behaviour. Lets starts, guys!

Promiscuity.

All his teen life Steve been slutting around probably too scared for serious relationships (because its better that way, no one will leave him if he leaves them first), all charming and needy and touch-starved, calming down his desire for attention and affection. 

Unstable relationships/idealization of the partner, lack of boundares.

Then he settled in the realationships with Nancy (who are brave and smart and oh, so stable), which turned out pretty much unhealthy from both of the sides, and Steve became so depended on his her to the point of breaking up his bounds with everyone else( including his probably childhood best friend Tommy) except her and planning all his life to revolve around Nancy.

Fear of abandoment, frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

He fears what Nancy will abandon him so much what he becomes even more clingy and needy, while she gains even more control in relationships and becomes a “top dog” (from Joe words). In ST1 we also see how insecure and  jealous Steve was to Jonathan, his dramatic reaction on John and Nacny hug, jumping in conclusions without any evidences. He even breaks Jonathan camera in the begining just out of his “insecurity” (again, based on Joe interview), fear what Nancy and Jonathan have better understanding of each other. In other words, he afraid what Nacny will leave him for someone else and he will stay alone again. Steve Harrington canonically has big abandoment issues, probably cased by neglecting parents.

Needing attention+validation

Idk if I even should comment it. We all know what King Steve persona was build for getting attention, admiration and validation from others, know how much time Steve spends on his looks and hair, how pleased he is when Tommy and Carol have all eyes on him. When he doesnt get compliments from Nancy, he pouts and praises himself on his own because he needs that.... “see, a ninja”; “make sure you wont forget this pretty face”, ect. You ask me, Steve has the biggest praise kink in all Hawkins.

Inability to regulate emotion, difficultes with anger controlling. Impulsivity.

Steve is one yelling bitch. He is a soft boy, but when he gets really upset and angry, he becomes mean and yelly and acts without thinking. He tears apart his own essay because Nancy couldnt help him with it, he pouts, storms of the rooms, screams at people. 

Getting upset easily + habit of blocking out intense painful emotions.

If you ask Steve how he doing, he probably will smile and say “peachy!”. Not because everything is really peachy, but because Steve prefers to ignore his own problems and things what makes him sad and pretend what everything is perfectly alright. He asks Nancy go to the movie and “pretend everything is normal for a few hours.”, says what his parents totally gave him hell for drinking beer but “who cares, screw them” and changes the theme. Tommy screams “run away, Stevie boy, like you always do!”, wich suggest us what Steve has a tendentions to avoid confrontations and stressful situations. He once again says Nancy go to the party and pretend to be normal teens in ST2 when she voices her concerns, and we see what ignoring problems and pretending is Steves constant coping mechanism for stress fear and sadness.

Distorted self-image.

Steves sense of self also seems to be instable and based on how people around him see him, like with Tommy he was a school bad boy, with Nancy he became a good guy, with Dustin he became a total soft dork as we see in ST3 trailer. He is unsure about his own goals, he doesnt knows who he is and who he wants to be, like wich job he prefers and what he likes to do in his life generally. Tending to base his own self on his relationships with other people, he gets complitely lost in the end of ST2 when Nancy is no longer with him.

Self-harm, self-desctuctive behaviour. Self damaging acts as drinking, drugs, vandalism.

Steve smokes, drinks, gets into the fights he cant win. Stands near Tommy when he writes about Nancy the slut and Jonathan the creep, runs away from cops. I would even say what his fight with Jonathan was quite maschostic, because Steve rilled him up and then barely protected himself and almost didnt resisted when Jonathan pushed him to the ground and started to punch non stop. Tbh for me it seemed like if Steve was so upset what he wanted some physical pain to blur his emotional one.

Dissociation, "zoning out"

Sometimes if you pay enough attention, you see Steve standing/sitting here with blank empty face. Usually it happens in stressful events, when he has some free time by himself. He also gets slow time to time, like hes habing hard time to concentrate. Cant be sure, but its does seems like zoning out. Im think there was even some parody video where people noticed what Steve sometimes gets blank faced and slow in the middle of the talk.

Paranoidal ideas, anixety, nervousness

Oh, this one is easy. You honestly wont find another ST character who is so full of anixety. He is fidgety, he hugs himself in a self-defense manner, he makes himself look smaller than he is, he constantly has the deer in the highlights look on his face, he cant think and act straight when he meets the Upside Down monster first time, so Jonathan even has to grab his hand and yank him to run. We also see how Steve is afraid of the goverment in the ST2, I would say its paranoidal behaviour-its seems like he does think what they are constantly being watched. Says what they will destroy their lives and families and changes the theme what Nancy wants to discuss.

In ST1 he is also ridiculously scared what his parents, dad especially, will find out what he drunk some beer, he gets so scared of this idea what he even calls Nancy and asks not to mention that to the cops, says what his parents will “Murder him”. 

In ST2 he is also pretty freaked out by Billy, in basketball scene when he is pushed down and Billy holds his hand you can see what Steve is trembling and looks like he is going to cry. Im not joking guys, just rewatch the scene....Poor guy just cant have a rest!

Presistent feelings of emptiness & guilt

“I'm sorry? What the hell am I sorry for?”

No matter is he guilty or not, if Steve having a conflict with someone, most of the times he will feel guilty and be sorry, as we see in the show. He wants to apologize to Jonathan for telling him means things, saying, “I just wanna be good, make things right”, buys him new camera (and giving it to Nancy, not presenting it to Jonathan himself.), cleans local theatre, he says sorry to Nancy, calls himself a jerk, a shitty boyfriend (wich is kinda downgrading himself), wanting to bring her roses and say how sorry he is again. Dustin also easily kind of guilt trips (”you promised to protect us”)  him to protect the party in the tonnels, while Steve clearly was against the whole thing, and feeling really unwell after getting his ass beaten by Billy.

Learning disability/scool problems. BPD can make it difficult for them to control the focus of their attention, to concentrate.

Steve plays it cool and pretends unbothered, but he actually tries hard to learn stuff. Even in ST1 we see in his room, what his table is covered by various homework papers. Its been shown what Steve having a hard time with study, what he is eager to be useful but not the smartest guy around, from his really chaotic essay and getting C-, to the Nazis comment. Its seems like he has some learning disability and doesnt even knows about it himself.

 Its also a known hinted fact what Steve doesnt have a good relationships with his parents, especially with strict father, he even calls him a “grade A asshole”. By their absence in the series, when we saw all the main character families, Steve remains all alone in big house, wich makes us think about how neglecting they are. The thing is, “people with BPD  have been found to be significantly more likely to having been abused by parents.”

During development, Joe Keery and the Duffers spoke about “what kind of family life [Steve] comes from and maybe this girl Nancy is quiet and listens in a way that other people haven't listened to him at this point.”-wich is pretty fitting to the portrayal of “neglecting, denying the validity of childnren thoughts and feelings parents”-that type of the bad parenting what BPD people mostly experenced.

“Parents were also reported to have failed to provide needed protection and to have neglected their child's physical care”, what gaves us the possible reason of Steves constant anixety and running away from the problems issues.

So, while we dont know can it be canon or not, I would say what there is high possibilities what Steve has BPD.

[xmatchaxmochix]

Hi! I just saw your post on the chain about radicalism, and i think you might want to try breaking up with your SO? I mean, can you imagine a future with someone like that? idk. it’s your life. but maybe consider it? \(*.*)/ whatever you decide to do, good luck!

I know my post about how radicalised my SO is sounds very very bad, because well, it’s kind of bad tbh. This right-wing-fascism-conspiracy /pol/ has been spreading is definitely a cult and feeding this young people wrong information, wrong statistics, false facts and a fake worldview, and to be honest at times it’s kind of difficult to imagine my future with a man with such terrible ideas.But he also really wants to seem to learn, and to be open to change his views if proven wrong. So hopefully I can learn more, find statistics, studies... so I can hopefully deradicalize him, which I think I have in some areas. I think he really wants to know “the truth”, find out what  the *actual facts* are, and it just so happened that /pol/ got to him before other people and feed him propaganda that aligned with some bad experiences he’s had in the past, and that is masterfully crafted to sound logical even if it’s a bunch of blatant bullshit.He’s also extremely kind, probably one of the kindest, most compassionate persons you’ll meet. When we were in Japan, he ran without hesitation to help an old woman that didn’t have an umbrella cross the street covering her with his own umbrella, and I fell for him all over again.He’s treated me incredibly kindly every time I’ve fallen sick, or simply when I’m feeling too tired or unwell. He’ll prepare me hot water bags, he’ll bring me medicine, he’ll cook stuff for me, he’ll patiently look over me as I sleep, he insists on shipping me medicine from France, even when I could get it in Spain, so I don’t have to go the trouble of getting it myself... once I was incredibly tired and sad, and I fell asleep on top on him. I stayed there for over an hour, and he didn’t move a single inch so he wouldn’t wake me up, and he didn’t stop petting me for a second.He’s extremely, incredibly kind and caring. He’s very loving, but he’s also full of fear, and fear breeds hate. I find this is just a normal consecuence of his being and his experiences: he’s someone that’s very empathic, always carries his heart in his sleeve, wants to do right and treat everyone kindly; but had some terrible experiences in his childhood so fear kicked in and now he holds everyone at a distance and wants to think himself as above others.I know I probably can’t “heal” him solely with love, but I hope, and I am fairly sure, that facts will help since he really seems to want to keep an open mind and learn “the truth”.I just need to learn more myself, so I have facts, studies, scientists, philosophers... to back up my words ^^Anyways, thank you very much for worrying about me, I’m infinitely grateful, but as you can see we are doing well so no need for worries

[atopearth]

Samurai Love Ballad Party Part 3 - Date Masamune and Katakura Kojuro Routes

(Didn’t realise SLBP doesn’t let you post CGs so I didn’t screenshot and have to rely on these that I found on the Internet haha..)

Not sure who the other guy is but Masamune seems cute, I am looking forward to meeting him and knowing him better, since he seems rather honourable and all about the fair and square kinda attitude to all battles even if it’s war because honour and keeping to your beliefs are much more important. The rumours of Masamune being a cannibal and having a demon residing in his right eye sounds like a straight up horror story lmao. Nice to see that the heroine can tell that the food smells off! She could have seriously died on her first day! Not sure why people still do this when there’s poison tasters though.. I mean if you’re going to poison the warlords, bribe the poison taster to put poison so that they’ll eat it and be fine and then do something to it and kill him. Kinda ridiculous to keep killing all these poison tasters instead. Anyway, Kojuro is Masamune’s retainer it seems, he looks pretty nice and elegant?

How very dangerous for her to go out at night and follow a delicious aroma! Hahaha! Can’t blame her though I guess lol and luckily Masamune isn’t really a cannibal, he probably just likes his own food and to cook for himself. Ooh, Kojuro made him food! I guess Masamune’s life has been wrought with way too many poison attempts to kill him, making him have no appetite to eat anything even if it’s super salty rice balls and miso soup by Kojuro. At least he can feel safe eating them. Which is really saddening since food is so good! Salty miso soup always reminds me of NANA. Anyway, it’s great that the heroine is a cook and revamped the dishes mixing them together into a sort of miso porridge that Masamune actually managed to eat the whole pot of! I guess the reason why he used to eat at her restaurant all the time was because the food was good and he felt safe there.

Guess her job is to make Masamune’s dinners from now on! How dangerous for her to save Umeko and use herself as a decoy! Luckily Kojuro helped her in the nick of time!! It was really sweet of Masamune to buy the heroine a new hairpin because the thugs broke the one her father gave her. I guess he has some affectionate feelings towards the heroine that always served him at their restaurant in Kyoto. Maybe because he really liked the food too haha. Even a page for Masamune must be educated and well taught in martial arts, but I guess that’s expected since he’ll always be by his side. At least the heroine gets an exception though!

Talking with his mother must have fouled Masamune’s mood since they don’t have a good relationship and she only cares about his younger brother. I mean, Masamune pulling out his sword to put it at a clingy maid’s throat doesn’t sound like him. Good that Shigezane (Masamune’s cousin) was here to calm the tense atmosphere! Obvious that Kojuro knew she was a woman and omg thought it might be a cliche onsen scene since she went in and then found out Masamune was in there too! But Masamune was so considerate towards her lie that she has a big scar that she doesn’t want others to see and so he distanced himself and waited for her to dress in her boy clothes again. He doesn’t know she’s actually a girl but that consideration and kindness he gave to her was really valuable and sweet. It’s nice that the heroine got to help mend a bit of the relationship between the retainers and Masamune, group morale is very important! She nearlyyyyy got killed by a wild dog though! She’s always in dangerous situations lol.

So the peace conference they were heading to was a facade to get Masamune to let down his guard and then kidnap Masamune’s father… I remember in Ikemen Sengoku, Masamune said he killed his father with his own hands because his father didn’t want to be a hostage hindering their clan or something and so made Masamune kill him so they wouldn’t have a need to bargain or whatever. Is this what we’re going to have to see? And it is! At least, Masamune’s father was able to say that Masamune did well by destroying the enemies. It was a hard decision for Masamune but he knew what his father would have wanted him to do and it was this result. Even if no one else understands, Masamune merely fulfilled what his father wanted him to do. Maybe it’s seen as heartless but I’m sure for his father and many other people, they do not want to be a burden that will cause casualties or the downfall of their own people just because they wanted to save them. It’s war after all.

How brave of the heroine to shout back at Masamune to tell him that they all care for him and that she won’t leave him to starve himself like this over the guilt of causing his father’s death. Super brave of her to reveal her presence when he’s crying as well, like wow, it’s as if she has a death wish lolol. It seems that his body finally gave out though, not surprising considering his lack of food, personal stress and the stress coming from everyone around him condemning him as the demon that killed his father. It’s so painful to see Masamune like this though. He made the “right” choice because that’s what his father wanted but it’s a choice he’ll have to live with for the rest of his life..

It’s so kind of Masamune to allow the heroine to come along with him to Kyoto so she can see her family since she’s been rather down and homesick. Really scary and cool that Yukimura came and stopped a sword with his bare hands to protect the heroine. Too bad she still got hurt. Don’t know why he has to be provocative when Masamune comes misunderstanding that Yukimura hurt the heroine when he didn’t, sigh. So cute how Saizo comes grabbing Yukimura by the back of his collar like a little pet and escapes hahaha. Masamune’s rage isn’t something you really want to face I guess XD

I know period pain is always used as some cliche to get the guy to care for the girl, and a lot of people, guys and girls think that it’s so exaggerated that the heroine would like faint because of it, and I think that I would have thought the same if I didn’t have a similar experience. I never fainted but my period pain has caused me to feel so unwell that my face went completely white and pale and I honestly felt like I was going to faint as I staggered back home. Ever since then, the pain every month has just been quite unbearable with me usually unable to get out of bed because of the pain. So really, all I wanted to say was that even though romance stories like to use this cliche, we shouldn’t demean it just because they use it so often, because it’s real. It was so kind of Masamune to carry the heroine all the way to a village and show such concern for her. She must feel pretty bad for lying to him that she’s a guy. But he’s figuring it out now so… It’s sad that Masamune just dismissed her from her role like that after he found out she’s a woman, considering all the things they went through together. But it was so heartwarming of Shigezane to say and still treat her as one of them even if she’s a woman. He is truly kind. It was so sad when right before she left, she told him that all she wants is for him to remember to eat. She still thinks of him so much.. I’m happy that Shigezane shouted at Masamune to come to his senses on how important and trustworthy the heroine is to Masamune and that he should be more honest with himself rather than be barricaded with the idea of gender or that she lied when she had no ill intentions.

I like how cute it is that Shigezane is trying to get Masamune and the heroine together and makes them stroll around town by themselves hahaha. It’s pretty saddening that Yoshihime is Masamune’s mother and yet her disgust at his different coloured eye and hatred that he didn’t save the father has made her only the more malicious towards him. It’s pretty difficult to watch considering Masamune’s perspective. When he dismissed the heroine from his service because he knows she has feelings for him and she so bluntly acknowledged it and properly confessed to him, I thought the heroine was so brave, cool and kind, I really love her. I know he wants to protect her but that must have been so heartbreaking for her.

Well, Yoshihime is quite despicable to poison the heroine and plot with the brother to kill Masamune. At least Masamune’s little brother Kojirou is good and thinks for himself rather than merely following his mother’s path. He loves his mother but he knows what is wrong and right and that is something we can be glad for. Oh, so Yoshihime was deceived by her brother (Masamune’s uncle) that Masamune killed his father when he was begging him to not shoot, your husband isn’t so spineless, woman! But really, no wonder she hated him even more..

I’m touched that Masamune is willing to exchange his life for an antidote to save the heroine but I’m also sad that by offering it, he is ready to abandon all his vassals that follow him and his own ambition. It’s great that he’s found someone he’s willing to give his life for but he has such an important duty and responsibility that could cause grief and pain to all the people that believe in him if he were to die and his uncle and mother were to take control. I don’t want to be disappointed but I kinda am tbh. Masamune has the power to achieve great things and bring better lives to lots of people, giving it up here for a simple girl is not something I’d like to see. I feel so harsh lol. I guess I got a bit ahead of myself, Masamune only said that to get his mother to let her guard down so Shigezane could come and steal the antidote off her, I’m happy again LOL. He knows his duty to his people and his promise to his father so I’m happy. I am glad that the heroine’s influence helped him to forgive his mother and hopefully be able to amend their broken relationship though.

I approve of feeding her the antidote with mouth to mouth lolol, just because she was too weak to move anymore and couldn’t open her mouth but tried her best to swallow. If I was on the verge of death and could see the dead, it would be nice if I could see someone important to me too, I don’t know who it’ll be but it would be nice to think that I could be on my way with another person instead of alone. So cute to see Masamune feed the heroine and insist on it hahaha.

I really love how gentle Masamune is. He’s so shy but sweet too. The thought of Masamune having a bride that is not the heroine or other concubines as well really tears my heart apart. Of course it’s something normal and a part of life that the heroine probably has to accept considering that he’s a Lord that governs land and would naturally have many wives to bear descendants for him… But it’s sad to think that she was the one that brought his true self out and yet she won’t be the one to truly be able to share the rest of their lives together. Sigh. But I so loved when she asked Masamune what he loves about her and he practically writes her a love letter because he’s too shy to say it in person! But omg the letter was so cute and sweet that it’s even better, she can keep it and read it all the time haha! It was so heartfelt, I loved it.

It’s an otome so of course he’d only take the heroine as his wife but hearing him say it is just so reassuring and heartwarming. Lmao when he starts leading her to his room and she’s like “my room is over there” and he’s like “let it stay over there” as she goes over to his room hahaha. Legit loved Masamune’s route as well, don’t think there’s been a route I didn’t like haha.

Time for Kojuro to move my heart🤣 it was so cool when he ripped up the piece of paper that would let him join another clan if he wanted to, he’s so loyal to the Date clan though, I wonder why~ it’s so cute that for Kojuro, he usually doesn’t have any problems that he can’t solve but he needs the heroine to pretend to be his lover to reject the numerous marriage proposals.

A man that is willing to risk his life and go into a burning residence to get the last keepsake of the heroine’s father is a man that you can’t help but fall for. Except that’s really dangerous! Nothing is more important than their lives! Living together with Kojuro sounds great though. I mean, if the place has burnt down, nowhere better than Kojuro’s place since he knows that she’s a girl and can be much more accommodating than living at the servant quarters with everyone stuck in one room. Lmao at how messy Kojuro’s room is. I feel sorry for the heroine, she slipped and Kojuro caught her by taking the brunt of the impact but she got hit in the head and shoulders by books😊 glad she cleaned the room for him. Now she needs to fix his bad habits of having the bare minimum amount food and sleep! Which she did by slapping him hahaha, good on you heroine! She’s right that if it affects Masamune and his work, then it’s not just his problem.

Lmao when she got drunk, threw up and Kojuro took care of her and then teased her when she misunderstood what happened between them in the morning since her clothes were changed lolll. Kojuro’s mistake in giving Masamune poisoned manju once before must really weigh heavily on him, especially considering he is Masamune’s closest and most trusted subordinate and yet he failed him. I guess that’s why he’s so relieved and wants to keep the heroine here no matter what since Masamune has finally found cooking that he can trust.

The heroine is so strong to learn self defence skills and others from Kojuro and Shigezane. Pretty admirable when she was found out to be a girl and she flipped that guy too hahaha. That’s what you get for being a bully! So childish and ugly of them to do that! Sure she lied but it’s not like she did it with bad intentions! It’s always so heartbreaking when the guy tells the heroine to go back to Kyoto in order to protect her but they say it in such a mean way to get her to go, sigh. Didn’t think Kojuro was a double agent but I guess that’s understandable, he’s the only one Masamune can 100% trust after all. It’s saddening that Kojuro has to ‘die’ and leave Masamune’s side. It must be painful for the both of them to separate since they’ve been together since they were children..

Where will Kojuro go now..? Does he even have anywhere else to go? At least he took the heroine home~ but omg when she grabbed his sleeve telling him to not go and he couldn’t help but kiss her, it was so cuteeee! Living with Kojuro and working together at the restaurant sounds so blissful~ well, he’s living in the empty house behind the restaurant but same thing same thing la hahaha. I agree with the heroine that if he didn’t go back to help Masamune then he wouldn’t be the guy the heroine fell in love with. Too bad she got kidnapped by the enemy… It was reckless of Kojuro to go save her alone but it was touching that he did. At least he went about it smartly! And Masamune came to save him not just because he is very fond of Kojuro but also probably because he’s indispensable to his army tbh. Glad to see everything working out.

Kojuro’s proposal to her was so beautiful, I teared. It was so heartwarming to hear that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her because you can really feel the sincerity in his words. I loved it~ Overall, I loved both routes! They were both cute and sweet in their own ways <3

[venusandjow]

@another-straykids-blog

“I have an appointment tomorrow (got to leave school early because of it) and I'm a bit scared? I often have a headache and don't feel well. The MRT and other tests say that nothing is wrong with my head and body. I got a calendar last time where I should keep track of the times I got a headache and on a scale of one to three how bad it is. And to be honest now after writing that down it's even surprising for myself how often I am not feeling well. I felt well for a longer period of time (around one or two months) when i started to get them again and now I see that in the last few months I had headaches for nearly half of the time. The problem is that since nothing is wrong with my body (at least all the tests until now say so) I'm afraid that it's something mentally. Because if I'm feeling like that because of stress it may seems weird. I mean I'm young and go to school and having such problems is something people who work normally have. I don't want to look like something weak how can't even handle school. I also really don't want it to be something mentally because my parents will most likely stress me more about it. They will ask dumb questions like if I get bullied or something. When I felt unwell a few days and threw up at the morning and stood home because of that my dad asked if I shoved my finger down my throat so I can stay home. He thought I was getting bullied or have problems with my weight. And that just because i threw up. I don't even know myself why I three up at that time but I felt sick in general at that time, I think I got the flue and my stomach didn't take it well. I really don't want to know what the doctor will say about the calendar. I would be better off if I have migraine. Than I would know it is something wrong with my body and not with me mentally. Problem is that I do get stressed out easily but I don't want that to be the reason to get headaches…“

Ok it might be long but there is a lot I wanna say about your problem, stress and why it’s such a b*tch, etc...

First of all, I do experience being easily stressed. I sent you an ask in that regard a few days ago (you know, the story of the broken plate), and I have been like that for many years – even maybe always. And I also have some problems related to that -excluding mental illnesses which I will talk about later on- like for example my acne being terrible even though im 23 and hence not a teenager anymore, but because of stress I tend to have a lot of acne (and of course it gets worst every time I stress a bit more). Stress is the cause of a million diseases, not even related to mental problems, but physical ones like stomach pain or skin problems.

Now about your headaches problem. I actually can understand because it happened to me a while ago. I was having headaches frequently and at some point, I started to wonder if it wasn’t actually a disease I had. It eventually stopped, because nowadays even tho I easily have a headache, it will be not as rare and usually I know the cause (too much noise, tiredness, too long in front of a screen, …). You also have to know that such diseases do exist. I remember reading an article about Daniel Radcliff suffering of a disease that would give him intense migraines frequently. So it might not be stress related. If so maybe the doctor will know?

Is stress related to mental illness? Ok so that is a huge, controverted subject, and tbh im kinda scared talking about that on tumblr because it’s kind of a nest of mentally ill people… What I want to say, in regard of your problem, is that stress isn’t the same as mental illness, and it is annoying if your parents think otherwise. The problem with parents is that they usually don’t know much about mental health issues and more importantly they have no idea how to react -so they usually react like sh*t. Maybe a solution to your problem is using he doctor as a relay between you and your parents, which brings me to my next point.

The doctor can be the solution. Unfortunately I don’t know how good your doctor is and if you can trust him/her (ill use them), but they are here to find a solution. If you can tell the doctor that you are indeed stressed and tell them the truth (by that I mean for example “I stress a lot I don’t know why, im not bullied but I feel a lot of pressure from the teachers” or idk depending on your case), then maybe they can reassure your parents. It is sad to they, but your parents will trust more easily what the doctor say than you… (Also don’t be mad at your parents for that, parenting is hard and I would probably do the same I guess…) To resume, trust your doctor. Cures do exist, especially for headaches or migraines that are frequent symptoms. Although they might not find what is the cause exactly, they will at least try to give you a solution (medicine maybe or just advice).

 Now I talked a lot and maybe all of this was just gibberish (I sometimes don’t know what im talking about), but here is the most important:

You are extremely brave. Being stressed or tired “just” because of school isn’t a weakness at all. It is actually something you have to fight, and you going for a solution is really frick*ng brave. Like I said, I used to have this problem, but unlike you I was too afraid to go to the doctor. It makes you officially braver than me.

 I don’t know if any of this will help, but hang in there. It is going to be alright, don’t worry. Listen to the doctor and your parents, be patient. Breathe and drink water, try to get as much sleep as you can.

I’ll always be by your side and rooting for you <3 

[theheightsthatwuthered]

Suicide au: even in the best case scenario I don't think Heathcliff would ever fully recover. What kept him going for most of his life was revenge and he doesn't have that anymore, so there's no real drive. if he has ANY it's Hareton but then that is not so much. On the upside he's not socially experimenting with children, and on the downside he's not doing anything.

I’m putting all the suicide au asks into one to answer so I don’t spam my followers and so there aren’t a bunch of triggery posts. Bold is me, normal is Kira Heathcliff being this mentally ill is likely to just shut down and not do anything

do you think a partial redemption is possible in the suicide au that needs a better name? I think so but then I always think that...

Not really, I think that in this AU the suggestion is that there is a lack of motivation and a self hatred but not necessarily a regret and in order to be redeemed I think you have to be willing to attempt to make amends. It’s what differs Heathcliff from say Darcy. Mr Darcy is a dick but he does everything in his power to right the wrongs he did.

Oh poor Hareton would be a wreck if he found him. If he's dead- well, yeah. Basically what you said already. What if he's not? Also what would Cathy or Joseph do?

Hareton would not cope. He’s only like 16 and he’s probably mentally a lot younger and this is a man he worships. Joseph would probably just spit hellfire. Cathy would be torn between her hatred for him and her sense of humanity.

There's a lot of "let him kill himself" from Cathy and she and Hareton have a proper screaming match over it. It would be one thing if it was at the house but it happens in the village and it starts in very coded language and ends with everyone in fifty feet of them knowing the details of what exactly happened. No one thought it was possible for them to be cast out more than they already were but surprise! The only way they could get even more isolated involves pitchforks and torches

Oh god yes. Neither Cathy nor Hareton can hold back much when it comes to Heathcliff. They are both very passionate in different directions.

Okay so, let's say Heathcliff fails. You think he shuts down after that? Like just gives up completely, on everything? I imagine Hareton would be really clingy after that, to Catherine's annoyance, but she might tolerate it for a time if Heathcliff is completely shut down bc bc he's not hurting anyone anymore, except maybe Hareton 

I definitely think Heathclif would shit down. Cathy would hate Hareton becoming clingy to him, she would definitely tr and tell him that he doesnt owe Heathcliff anything and that Heathcliff has in fact treated him like shit and now is a great time to get away

Okay so I think a lot about the asylum thing would depend on whether the reformation had reached them yet. There's no way Nelly and/or Hareton because I'm unsure of who would be in charge of this would put anyone in what was basically jail, but I think that between Heathcliff being obviously mentally unwell and him just not caring anymore, a lot of the power of the estate or whatever is shifting to Hareton.

The power would likely be with Hareton but he would give it to Nelly, he wouldn’t feel that he could deal with it.

Alright idea: Cathy wants to start a Heathcliff free family with Hareton. Hareton is not gonna leave Heathcliff's side until he's sure he won't kill himself. Cathy figures that, excluding murder, the only way to get her goal is get Heathcliff better. Cathy starts volunteering to sit with him instead of Nelly. She starts off basically ordering him to get better, then starts screaming at him, then finally sighs and says alright why did you try to kill yourself because talking's her only other idea

She asks him that but she has no patience either, she won’t hear his sob story, she won’t let him paint himself as a victim and she agrees with him when he puts himself down.

Getting Heathcliff to talk is hard though. She realizes quick she's gotta start slow with him, and she hates small talk, so she talks to him about Hareton and that gets some response. Not much but some. So they keep going and Cathy is approaching this very clinically until Hareton says something about how he's glad they're finally bonding and she flips. Hareton is a little disheartened but he's still daydreaming about a picture perfect family and he's gonna make sure he gets it

Cathy is not bonding, she still hates him with a vengeance she just loves Hareton more than she hates him and she sort of screams that when flipping

Hareton is at least temporarily in charge and he makes Joseph caretaker of the Grange because he and Cathy don't get along. That is the only thing he does. It makes him feel giddy with power. Cathy suggests he get REALLY crazy and move a chair from one corner to another but he says no let's not get ridiculous

Oh Hareton darling :L

Nelly wonders why she's not happier. Don't they get the happy ending she's been praying for? Isn't Heathcliff suffering for his crimes? Why is she so sad?

Nelly has a weird set of feelings towards Heathcliff but at the end of the day she can’t completely give up of him.

After a month, while Hareton's working, Cathy declares she and Heathcliff are going for a walk and drags him along. Catherine has been cooped up and so has he honestly and Cathy finally stops walking when they reach her favorite tree, and they sit down and she asks him again and not too gently why he tried killing himself. He doesn't answer. She pulls out a paper and says if he answers he can visit her children once. He says letters aren't legally binding. She says that's not stopped him before

Hearthcliff is surprised that he cares about visiting her children, he doesn’t really but he sort of does.

He looks at the paper for a long time and says he can't tell her something he doesn't know. She sighs dramatically and can't help thinking that a) he seemed to genuinely want that and b) he didn't just make up something. She decides she needs a different question and asks him if her mother was really an angel who did no wrong (a question she knows the answer to, deep down.) He smirks and says that he loved her, and she was vibrant, and she was a lot like her, but doesn't answer the question If Heathcliff were to talk shit about Cathy1, Cathy2 would probably flip because all she’s heard is a very rose-tinted story of Cathy1′s perfection from Edgar.

Hareton has a always been a little tough starved tbh. He was so happy when Cathy started casually touching him (not in a weird way in a chill way) and he's started to get a little bolder in general. He hugs Nelly now, which started awkwardly but she loves it, and he's sleeping in Heathcliff's bed, just to be sure nothing happens it's not because he can cuddle him not at all. Idk if Heathcliff is keeping his thoughts to himself or if he's so out of it he hardly notices

Heathcliff is barely aware of him being there (also this is like a reverse Patrick and Branwell situation)

[yeoldontknow]

11 Questions Tag

tagged by @chanyeolingss @kpopfanfictrash and @yeol-stole-my-soul <3333

Rules: 1. post the rules 2. answer the questions given to you by the tagger. 3. write 11 questions of your own 4. tag 11 people

ALRIGHT so i was tagged 3 times with 11 different questions each time so im going to answer all 33 of these and then write 11 of my own LORDY. HERE WE GO

also putting this under a cut cause 33 questions will be a lot

from @chanyeolingss

If you had the chance to do something illegal and get away with it, would you? this entirely depends on what the illegal thing is? like, would i ever cause a person bodily harm? probably not. something less insane and petty? probably. like if i knew i could steal a tv and get away with it, i probably would. 

What do you do to calm down? i listen to music and sit in my room. i light candles. im big into aroma therapy and so i tend to always have lavender or vanilla scents in my space. i pet my cat and make him sit with me. purring kitties lower my anxiety like, a lot. other times i take a bath. If you wanted to, what new name would you give yourself? when i was a kid i hated my name because the spelling always seemed gross to me. for the longest time i wanted to be named Aurelia. im good now tho lmao ive shortened my name on my own to just kat and it suits me Do you use markers, pencils or crayons when coloring/drawing? pencils Of the places you’ve been, which was the worst? honestly i reallllyyy didnt like amsterdam. nothing about that trip made me happy. like im grateful i took the tour of anne frank’s house, but like it wasnt really enjoyment it was just this overwhelming feeling of emotion and trauma. it was beautiful and i wouldnt trade that experience for the world. but everything else was awful. the people i was with was a big problem so id like to go back with a better group and try again.  What’s your favorite Disney movie? always a cross between mulan and beauty and the best Which celebrity do you identify with? i feel like im emma thompson 100% of the time What is your favorite season? autumn, without question the best season What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? my first ever ever ever job was for this newspaper in the town where i grew up. our family friend worked for them and got me the job but it was only supposed to be for 5 days. i had a garbage bin filled with newspapers and i had to hand them out to people. i was only getting paid based on the amount of bins i emptied. i hated every single moment of it. 

What’s the pettiest thing you’ve ever done? im not really a petty person tbh its just that if you fall out of my good favor you will not be allowed back in. my trust once lost is lost forever Do you prefer talking on the phone or texting/messaging? please dont call me unless you need help lmao texting is fine

from @kpopfanfictrash

1) If you could have one superpower, what would it be? my god i want so many but right now its a tie between controlling an element (either fire or water) or the ability to understand every language

2) What was your favorite TV show growing up? when i was a kid there was a show called roswell that aired on what used to be The WB and is now The CW lmao it was awful but i made my mother let me stay up to watch it every monday. i still adore this show even though i KNOW its objectively awful but i own all 3 seasons and regularly watch them when im feeling sad lmao

3) What’s the next trip you’re taking or want to take? IN LESS THAN A FEW WEEKS, I WILL BE IN ST LOUIS WITH @kpopfanfictrash, @the-porcelain-doll-xo, @igot7bangtanbaes and @rudeboywonho <33333

4) What is your biggest pet peeve? when im walking behind someone and they are smoking in my face AND passive aggression please just tell me wtf is wrong so we can move on

5) Tell me one weird habit you have lmfao god i cant believe im admitting this to the world BUT when im stuck and need to think hard on something i hold my boobs pls leave me lmao

6) If your life were a movie, what genre would it be? (comedy, drama, teen horror… LOL) id be in one of those teen comedies. probably john hughes with a DOPE soundtrack

7) Who is one person you find inspirational (real or imagined)? my mother

8) What one thing would you save first from your home, in a fire? my cat lmao but if you mean non living thing my phone

9) What physical feature do you first notice on a person? ears and smile are usually within the same moment

10) What is the strangest thing you have ever eaten? i cant say ive eaten anything strange. when i was in france i had escargot and adored it

11) One thing I would not guess about you by looking at you. ive played violin since i was 7

from @yeol-stole-my-soul

1) What are you wearing rn :))) What’s your go-to outfit? my pajamas jeans, band tee, combat boots - my standard

2) If you could tell your bias one thing, what would it be? i can i tell him a lot of things in one breath? ok here goes: chanyeol, i respect the living shit out of you, but please make sure you take care of yourself like i know its easy to assume your problems are a burden and that no one really will notice your tells but the ones who care about you the most will never think of you as a burden and want to make sure you keep smiling - also please remember to eat well and sleep and hydrate, because if you dont you will get sick and the last thing i could handle on this earth is seeing you unwell or injured because you pressured yourself too much - trust me i do the same thing and that is why i am openly telling you that the people who really love you will understand if you step back so you can regroup 

*coughs, wheezes* i love you so fucking much park chanyeol please take care of you

*gasping* your verse in chill saved my life

*dies*

3) If you found yourself as a character in a story, what role would you probably play (ex. the villain, the hero/ine, the sidekick, the crazy old man…) and why? i know for a fact id be the witty side kick who unwittingly solves every problem just because shes observant and doesnt have martyr vibes

4) Do you sleep with socks on or socks off at night?? socks off what kind of demon leaves them on???? dont trust that type wtf

5) Which meme most accurately describes you?

this image is me at any given time of day

6) What do you want your last words to be? oh for fucks sake

7) Describe your ideal date(?) i’m adding the question mark to pretend this is a question somewhere we can talk - theres a place in NYC thats a bar but also an arcade filled with old old games like the original tekken and street fighter. i like going there for chill vibes and then likely walking along the water pier in central park at sunset. its really quiet in that part of the city and on a date i really just want to talk, get to know you, figure out your energy. if its the weekend id happily head to the IFC center for a midnight showing of a classic and then depart at 3AM feeling like ive actually connected with someone who challenges me intellectually and culturally 

8) If you could switch lives/bodies with one person for a day, who would it be and why? zhang yixing so i could make sure he sleeps

9) If you had to spend 24 hours in a television show, which one would you choose and why? And would you survive lolol? i want to be in parks and recreation so i can flirt with ben the entire show and make leslie angry and then by the end be best friends with leslie and anne and then become a recurring character

10) What’s your favorite quote? ‘But from each crime are born bullets that will one day seek out in you where the heart lies.’ - Pablo Neruda

11) Where THE FUCK is Waldo?? his house, wondering why the fuck people keep assuming he would be anywhere else

11 new questions:

1. if you could learn any language, which would you want to learn and why? 2. you’ve moved into your dream house. CONGRATS! what does it look like and where is it? 3. i’m buying you a drink. what are you having? 4. welcome to NYC! let me take you my favourite record shop. whats that record you have in your hand?  5. pitch me an idea for a tv show - in 6 sentences 6. i’m sorry but you’re dead. what does the afterlife look like? 7. thanks for hanging out with me tonight! lets put on a movie. what are we watching? 8. i know, i know. dating my friends is odd but i love you so why shouldnt this be a date? 9. i’ve taken you to the strand in NYC. its a 4 storey book store that is filled with miles worth of books. we are on the 4th floor, which is the floor for old and rare books. which book are you looking for? 10. i got my vacation time booked! ok. lets decide. where are we going? really! why do you want to go? 11. SHIT! i didnt know you could sing!! we’re starting a band. what are we called?

tagging: @yeolology @kpopandlock @kollectionn @kimnamwho @imdifferentshadesofpurple @oh-beyond @pikayeollie @the-porcelain-doll-xo  @daegusoftboys @baebae-goodnight @igot7bangtanbaes

[infinite-smile01]

I haven't been to active here lately so here's a little update (/vent) on my life

Things are hard. (possible trigger warning? Not sure). I haven't been functioning well due to my mental illness for a long while now, but somehow, it seems like things were getting better, in very small steps, almost none visible but I knew I was doing work and getting stronger. It was hard but I was in the right direction. Then mom got sick. The illness itself is going to pass but, the thing is, it left nerve damage. So she's always in pain, and there's not much anyone can do about it, and no one knows how long it might last. It hurts, seeing mom hurt. And in a more selfish way, it puts a lot on me, I don't normally even function enough to take care of myself And now I try to help, I do the dishes, the laundry, clean the house, take care of my little brother. But it's not going to take her pain away and also, I'm not really capable of it. I do it but the price is very high. Not only are there more chores in the house and taking care of my little brother. But all those other tasks- ones that I can't do, I would rely on mom for help, not necessarily actual practical help but I needed home to be a safe place. And yes practical help too, talking to ppl for me, hugging me, making sure I eat. She can't do any of that And it sounds so selfish but I'm just breaking down because everything is too much. From the mentally ill none functioning girl, I became the person who's supposed to function. I mean, dad functions, he's just never home. He works a lot. Can't blame him or complain, not much choice there. My sister is in the military. Mom is sick and is constantly in pain. And then there's me- I've been unwell for too long to keep "holding that card", yeah she has panic attacks all the time but what's new, yeah every action that seems simple to most people is hard for her but what's new. Yeah she's sad and hurting, but she always is. Yeah she cries for hours at night, yeah she's hurt herself again but-. Wait no, but we don't want to know that, so we don't. They don't know that. It's my fault of course, I don't tell them that last part but, tbh what would it matter. It would just make things harder . My sister was home from the military, and I broke down crying at night, She heard, I tried to be quiet but she heard. And she came and yelled at me. She said - I'm worried about mom too but crying won't help and the last thing she needs on her mind is you. I felt so guilty but couldn't stop, it just got worse and louder. She said - I'm tried of you're selfishness you're so self centered. It hurt because I couldn't control it, I cried till 3am, and I wanted not to, but I did. It hurt because it echoed a lot with things that happened I've been dealing with. My handling of what had happened with the teacher , and what she's done to me. We're reaching a peek of understanding and accepting. Very difficult process but, important. Were sharply cut by mom's illness and my need to function but it's still there. Still hard. And I've been very avoident, I only go to classes twice a week, only to art classes, I haven't been going there much too. My social groups with friends, I cancel them all whenever I can. Mom still works, she's doing better during the day, but, she can't really work The doctor said it's a very difficult desease and he'll give her sickness vacation from work. She laughed and said, yeah from whom exactly, who cares. There's work to be done and me to do it, I can't take a vacation. So she works. I don't get how she does it Any of it I don't get how she somehow semi functions despite the terrible paisn And I don't get how even with out it, she ever managed to do all of those things that she used to do I didn't know how much this house depended on her and now everything's crumbling I've taken some commissions so that helps Financially too but tbh, mostly mentally. A feeling that this is a thing that I can do. This is a thing I have control over, this is a thing I'm skilled at, this is not something anyone can take. The financially part is actually more mental as well, as my greatest guilt is that they work so much also because of the expensive therapy treatments I've been needing to do my even semi semi tiny bit of function, or like, to stay alive and out of hospitalization. I don't have the energy or willingness to hear my friends mental struggles, because sometimes I can take the hit and handle the trigger but not now, my energy is too much elsewhere so I guess I'm also kind of a bitch maybe for setting boundaries. So by the looks of it, I'm better than ever- I get out of bed, I clean the house, do the dishes, do the laundry, play with my little brother, function enough to do commissions, don't have any panic attacks at home, all these chores are body related so I no longer flinch at every body movement in fear of her still owning my body, because I don't have the privilege to avoid. I can contain my feelings enough to do all these stuff and ppl won't know I'm struggling, this seems like progress. But inside this really sucks. I'm more suicidal than I have been recently, tho less likely to act on it cuz so many things depend on me. I'm more anxious and avoident I'm more in pain, things are more of a struggle, I just hurt. The worst thing is, I'm not even the one who has any right to hurt Mom does And mom, she of all people, feels guilty. I don't want her to. I want her to know it's okay and she's sick and it's not he fault But I can't also be the emotional support. If there's one thing ppl shouldn't count on me is emotional stability. That night I cried aloud till 3am, mom heard. She said sorry, but I wanted to be able to tell her I hurt as my mom, not as the reason. I wanted for it to be okay that I hurt without.meaning that her hurting isn't valid. I just wanted a hug I don't want her to "walk on eggs" near me I can see that she tries not to express that she's in pain and it just makes me feel more guilty This is not about me I know that But she knew I broke down, and after the breakdown my immune system must have given up so I was sick for a few days. Which ironically was the best thing that could happen to me because I wasn't expected to function or deal with anything. But I'm "okay" now. Physically. Art is still great though Art holds me My therapist was amazing She validated me, the foucs that session wasn't to make significant progress, she just gave me a place to hurt freely. And validated it. And when the session ended she mentioned the time of our next session, like she always does, so reassuring, she also presents it as a question, I don't think she's aware of it, but to me, answering yes is promising that I'm gonna survive until then. And nothing too bad is gonna happen. And on her side, she's promising that she'll be here, she won't abandon me. But, she said another thing She said we'll meet at- time and day of the appointment- and she said, message me if you need me before that, you're holding a lot. She's always very empathic and reassuring and caring. And she does allow contact if something is urgent, but mentioning it in that situation with that tone was so strengthening. I try not to think of her as a maternal character, I know therapeutic relationship shouldn't be like that, but, this was so needed. It's as if she told me, your mom isn't available, but I am, and you're not alone, and it's okay that you're struggling, it really is a lot. I'm always on the verge of crying I go to school tomorrow I have that specific class I'm trying to avoid, have been for a long time, feeling really guilty for it but too anxious to pull it off. Mom seemed better this evening but I knew she just didn't want to show me that she hurt. I caught the hurting facial expressions though. TL;DR Mom is sick and seems like she's gonna be dealing with chronic pain, and function less. Which puts lots of pressure on me, the little girl with mentally illness that can barely function as it is.

[cyanpeacock]

Realtalk(tm) 2.0: On the Topic of a Leaf

OK this one’s different. i exercised a Coping Skill, and went for a walk in the cemetery, because the cemetery is a place where i feel among the dead, and realize i am not under the ground rotting like them, yet.

did my thing, walked around to the chant in my head, and I came to a point, a tipped over gravestone, where I stopped and sat down. it was all very, you know, I Don’t Need To Eat I Don’t Need To Eat It’s Too Expensive No Food No Food Money Is More Important up to this point. it still is, tbh, because i’m still unfucking that thought process, learning re-balance. 

so, yeah, I sit down, I’m kinda freaking out, and something just goes, “consider a leaf.”

and like, I knew which leaf, it was just there, right in front of me.

so, i’m looking at this leaf, considering it. it’s just a dead, yellow, wet leaf, on the ground, with a black mark from something like a leaf-borer. just looking, you know.

so, in some order I can’t clearly remember or explain, because my meditations get like that, “I” start asking questions.

Where did the leaf come from? A tree.

Why did it fall off? It’s full of waste. It’s old. It had to go.

What is that process? Senescence. 

somewhere around here, everything but the leaf gets fuzzy, like static.

and then, a student is asking questions of his teacher. 

questions about, this is happening to me?

and answers about, yes, before your time, but only because there is no other way for you, right now. 

the student knows this much, because he knows he can’t always feel his body, and when he can feel it, he doesn’t respond to signals like “pain” and “hunger,” because he isn’t sure they’re physical, emotional, or simply able to be disregarded. 

the master knows this much, and that physical and emotional are the same, and that they can be disregarded, but that the student is looking to improve his health.

so -- here i’m seeing the leaf, i’m seeing the static, and i notice the grass and tarmac are one, and in motion like a river, but a river where the current flows both ways, alternating smoothly.

because the master and student exist in the same body, neither of them know exactly how to improve this body’s health. they have to look outside for that, and within.

this was looking within, and finding words for the experience of this body, which by convention, is I, or me.

and so, the student begins to cry, and the master comforts him, by doing everything and nothing at all. 

the student has to find another teacher, again, and there are many in the temple. some old ones, but also, some new ones.

and this is referring to my MSK referral. A new “teacher.”

I dodged it because I was afraid, right? But I know my collagen is wack, and that my ribcage is warped from over-binding, and though I kind of fucking love my twistedness, I don’t love the back and shoulder pain, or the daily cracking of bones. I also don’t love my hands and wrists hurting from like, you know, normal cooking and cleaning. I don’t love that my jaw falls out on the right hand side, and that I have to crack it back in. 

Like, I love it, because I can’t not, but it gets to the point where it hurts like hell, and because body damage is cumulative, especially with weak collagen, I gotta get it seen to. So I need to get referred again, and I need to go. It’s not magically going away, unfortunately, but I’m not so scared this time. 

The old teacher would be my counsellor.

The guy has been doing, like, really serious heavy long-term trauma work with me, for years. I’m still getting to the point the NHS offer counselling for, which is like, you know, “I’m having problems with my boss at work, and I don’t want to burden my wife with it.” I’ve still not spoken about the sexual traumas I have, because like, that shit’s so deeply personal, and I’d developed a lot of shame around that area of life, because I’d seen use and been used and was led not to talk about it. 

So yeah. While I’d like the work to be over, it’s not, but what’s changed is that I can see an end in sight where I don’t feel like I’m stuck out on a raft with a torn sail. More like a boat somebody gave me a hand in building, and let me put the paintwork on.

Another new teacher will be my social worker.

I’m scared as hell of her. She’s got blue eyes of a shade I’ve come to be very wary about, and I know she’s not anyone who has hurt me, but it’s still very, be on guard. It’s gonna take me some time to get used to that, because bodies can’t desensitize themselves instantly. 

Thing is, she’s going to help me get my debt cleared, or put together a payment plan. It racked up because I had an HC2, it expired, I got frightened and confused, doctors were saying “take your meds,” pharmacists were saying “it’s okay, check HC2, we’ll sort it later,” and like, I went along with it? Because I didn’t really know what else to do?

I’m off them now and managing, because if there is a med for me, those weren’t the ones any more (despite being really helpful to begin with). I’m just hoping it can be cleared, because how the fuck can I pay anything back on a student loan, as a student who’s gone part-time precisely because they were crashing and burning from full-time study plus recovery from long-term trauma?

So yeah.

The leaf floated on the river. 

The river was made of dinosaur oil, and bits of rock, and blades of grass that used to be seeds. 

There were other leaves, but they simply sank under the surface.

The leaf was alone.

I’m kind of a lot like that leaf right now. I’m alone. 

There is a “however.”

I bumped into an old friend and got his phone number. He seemed really happy to see me, and I was actually really happy to see him? Not scared? I told him my ego is dead. He said he already knew that. It was actually fucking great, and kind of sad, because he knew me when I was really ill, in the YMCA. He’s not who I expected to find afterwards, but I really do just keep running into him? And when I get a SIM card again, I’ll text him, and hang out, and you know, be something or other. 

So the leaf taught me a lot of things. 

Senescence is to age, the process of aging, being aged.

This brings me to my grandfather.

For an old man, he is not old at all. He’s doing the things a very young man does, with a guise of age and wisdom.

I’m realizing I could speak on the level of equals to him, because I’m a young man, who has had to live through emotional intensity many men don’t experience until they’re very old, or sometimes in their lives at all.

I’d been in contact with him unwell, and he was tolerant of it. When my body came to him especially sick, actively hallucinating, unwell, he treated me with increasing frustration and disregard, until he sent me away without a means of getting back to my own damn city. 

I could see him again, I probably will before he dies, but I don’t know that. My opinion of him has changed radically, I’m sure his of me has too. 

Remembering the feelings of my body tells me I was frightened, upset, alone, and then furious later, when I wasn’t, you know, re-experiencing the emotions of a terrified child, or hallucinating things. 

I tried imagining what I’d do in his position, and concluded this was fruitless, because I’m not him. 

I know what to make of it from the angle of this body. That was not “supportive family.” I am estranged from my family. 

I’m still in pursuit of the idea of having a (broadly) happy family, but I’m estranged because of all the pain and loneliness I felt around those people. It can’t be undone. It is the past of this perspective.

Is there a future where I don’t feel it? No. Is there a future where I re-establish a relationship with those people? Highly likely, possible, but unknown. What do I need to do in between? Build my own life, one that’s complete with or without them. Then what? See where I stand. 

Love and pain are two different sensations, but they can coexist, they will and do coexist. The thing is, when I think of my mother, I feel so much pain. Love too, because I know she did try, but the good-enough came far too late, and never was good-enough for me, perhaps because of That Beginning.

I understand why it went down that way. But I can’t change what I felt. I can sort of manage how I feel, in the moment, more-or-less in a direction. But that’s not the same as changing what you felt, what comes back in an emotional flashback-type situation. 

And I don’t know yet that I can, that I’ll ever be able to, look her in the eyes and tell her just how much she destroyed me, because I know she’s broken enough already that it just might destroy her further. I don’t want that for her. 

But I want to get furious with her. I want to tell her how much fucking work I’ve had to do. I want to tell her about the work. But there always was that look on her face, that “should you be taking those pills?”, that “are you sure you need this much help?”, that “I’m happy for you, but”. 

I don’t know. It takes me right back to a place of hurt and anger. That happened every time I went to visit, but I wasn’t as emotionally mature as I can become. Perhaps I will see her again, in a long time. Perhaps I won’t. I don’t know.

It’s very easy for me to believe whatever the person opposite me believes in order to avoid conflict. What I’m going to have to increasingly get the hang of is standing up for my perspective, verbally, and not folding to the other person with a push when on the inside, from my perspective, I disagree. 

My ego is dead, cloned, hologrammed, brain-uploaded-into-a-robot-ed, genetically modified, but my perspective isn’t. 

[gulescamisade]

New York:  Day 1

[ Towers loom overhead, bright red thorny spires, bilboards plastered with brightly-illuminated advertisements for alien foods written in scrawling alternian scripts. All of them promising THE GREATEST TASTES, the ULTIMATE FOOD EXPERIENCE, TEN THOUSAND PERCENT EATS!!!! NONE HUNGER AND ALWAYS THE FEEDED! The urban sprawl seems to know no end, streets packed with despondant looking humans, some of whom have unhealthy, pale-gray skin and weird little growths on their foreheads. Somewhere in the distance, glamorous spotlights shine high into the night. A massive blimp hovers overhead. It reads: WELCOME TO FLAVORTOWN. ]

[ The experience is jarring and they are immediately struck by a wave of sensations. Bright lights, intense odors, and, soon enough, the feeling of being dumped onto hard, cold pavement. Rose, John, Kankri, Gamzee, Meulin, Jamison, Jolene, Dualscar, Jude and Joey all find themselves met with the same rude awakening, scattered down a block labeled in jarring neon lights, UMAMI. ]

JOEY: =oof!! It hasn't been one of her better landings...= 

JOEY: where the HELL are we?

ROSE: -she answers by way of promptly throwing up in the gutter.-

JUDE: -OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN-

JAMISON: OOF, =still holding his babies and STANDS= WHAT THE JIMJAM FLIMFLAM IS THIS RASSAFRASSING TOMFOOLERY!??!

JAMISON: =scampers in place holding two grown adults.... oh there are others here= Everyone grab a rifle I've got plenty strapped to my body!

MEULIN: -YOWLS and sticks the landing on her feet, puffed up and claws out. WHO MUST SHE BRAWL.-

ROSE: -this city is sure hell for someone with a migraine. awesome.-

ROSE: -She's just gonna lay down and drape an arm over her eyes because this is way too much to process.-

ROSE: -she's CRACKLING A LITTLE with all kinds of weird energy right now.-

JOHN: mother....fucker. -grunts, rolling around a little because his knees are stinging. but he recovers quickly, floating up to his feet and whizing around.- hey, is everyone okay?

ROSE: I am going to take every liberty to not be okay right now.

ROSE: I'd really like that.

ROSE: For a second.

KANKRI: -Unceremoniously dumped into the street on the alien to him planet by a zap of green energy, its very alarming, hes frazzled, but the moment he hears John his head is snapping in that direction.-

JOEY: =To rose= heyyyy youre kinda staticky...

JOHN: yeah -blinking in the harsh light. ugh. this is tacky. earth has really gone to shit, hasn't it?-

JOHN: but i mean no one has broken bones or anything, right?

ROSE: I.

ROSE: I know.

ROSE: No, I didn't-- break anything.

ROSE: I just...

ROSE: Fuck.

ROSE: FUCK.

JOHN: -lands- rose?

ROSE: Do you recall a number of childish beliefs held by myself and perhaps others? That-- that I am some manner of machiavellian genius, carefully placing my pieces on a chessboard? ROSE: Because it's wrong. It's fucking wrong. We were used. I was used. She--

ROSE: God DAMN it.

JOHN: -just...keeps apparoaching her, not bothering to comment because he doesn't know what she's talking about. he just puts his hand on her shoulder, despite the sparks.-

ROSE: -she's kinda crying a little bit under that arm, turns out. She leans into John. A throbbing ache in her head, a deep pit of guilt in her stomach, and that inescapable feeling of betrayal. All of it. She eventually just clings to him, throwing her arms around his shoulders.-

JOHN: -Holds her tightly like 8( 'cause what else can he do? He glances around at everyone else for a moment and then focuses on patting Rose on the back as she sobs.-

JOEY: D:

KANKRI: -Oh, Rose looks in really bad shape. ):B -

[The faint smell of chipotle seasoning and deep fried fat waft through the air. The pale figures on the street seem anxious, but not at these strangers arrival. No, it's something more. Some wear fake smiles, painted into their faces, trying to seem joyous despite the nightmare everyone is in.]

JOHN: -At least comforting Rose gives him something else to focus on because this is REALLY DISTURBING.-

JOEY: um.... =pats Jude a bit urgently= um.... =points??=

JAMISON: =This is unsettling! He focuses on his glasses and IMMEDIATELY gets out his potato-zooka= Should we wipe out the left or right first?

JOHN: hey woah wait. they're not hurting us.

JOHN: -why are you always so TRIGGER HAPPY?-

JOHN: -still has Rose tucked in his arm.-

JAMISON: Can't say I'm so found of... pasty possible hostiles but I'll keep an eye on them..... =Squints=

KANKRI: -Hes eyeing Jamison so hard, he remembers this human, he does not like this man. Although yes, the sense of unease radiating from the people around them is quite terrible.- I d9nt 6elieve they are h9stiles th9ugh.

ROSE: -She sniffs, taking a deep breath.- ROSE: -Then she wipes at her eyes with her hands, messily.- ROSE: They look human enough.

KANKRI: In fact t9 them we might 6e the h9stiles c9nsidering we are the 9nes wh9 suddenly appeared 9n their sidewalk. -Looks around at their new surroundings again.-

JOHN: -studies them. He's been a doctor long enough to tell that they look unhealthy. Is it lack of nutrition combined with some sort of mutation?-

JOHN: poor guys...

MEULIN: -growling softly.- SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THIS PLACE... IT SMELLS... WRONG.

JAMISON: =Rose looks sad.... he gives her a homemade shrapnel granade= Alright then.... I suppose the zombies have clearance....

JOHN: -takes a deeper whiff and sneezes-

JOHN: smells spicy!

JOHN: -pulls a multi colored chain of hankerchiffs out of his sleeve and offers it to Rose with the intent of cheering her up A LITTLE BIT.-

ROSE: -what the fuck, jamison-

ROSE: -ok-(edited)

KANKRI: -Zombies.... Please.- I d9nt think any9ne w9uld appreciate 6eing called that, dispite h9w 9utwardly appearing unwell.

JOEY: whatever it is my creep-o-meter is skyrocketing

JOHN: let's not argue over semanticss guys. we should focus on the big picture here.

JAMISON: =IT'S FOR COMFORT=

[ Overhead, and paying them no mind, robotic drones rocket with a piece of NEW construction. A large screen of some kind, already busily welding it to the side of a building. It flickers to life, soon cycling a brand new advertisement:  http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/seriouslytheworst/images/f/fd/Banner2.gif/revision/latest?cb=20150919122657 ]

JOHN: -wrinles his nose at this rampant commercialism- ew....

JOEY: thats it 

JOEY: i must be dreaming

KANKRI: -John is this really what earth advertising is like?-

JAMISON: =SQUINTS???/?=

JOHN: -Well tbh...yes-

KANKRI: -Thats so sad... No wonder these mutated earthlings look tormented.-

[ YOU WON'T BELIEVE ]

ROSE: -She's sitting up and composed herself a little bit, now just sitting on the sidewalk.-

JOHN: -hovers around her because he feels protective but his general uneasiness wants them to get moving.. .SOMEWHERE instead of just standing here like sitting ducks- i guess we should try to find out where we are and maybe try to contact the others?

JOHN: does anybody's comm work? mine doesn't.

ROSE: I'm trying to think.

ROSE: I'm not sure. I might have fried it.

[IT'LL FIT RIGHT IN]

[FRIED THING!!!! $5.95!!!! FRY ANY THING THAT FITS IN THE FRIER! FRY YOUR BABY!!!!!! $5.95!!!!!!!]

MEULIN: RRR... SOMEONE CAN TRY MINE. -uncaptchalogues hers and holds it out to anyone-

JOHN: :/

MEULIN: I'M GOING TO K33P MY NOSE OUT.

ROSE: -she reaches for it, and checks it.-

ROSE: Oh.

MEULIN: -wrinkling said nose-

KANKRI: -Shuffles a bit closer to peep at what Rose is typing, and also just to be closer to john.- 9h, it d9es w9rk. Thats g99d.

JOHN: -also 👀 also hello Kankri he's going to sling his arm around your waist because this SUCKS BALLS.-

KANKRI: -Hes glued to your side now, John.-

JOHN: -It's fine. As far as tumors go, you're pretty benign. He peeps on what Rose is doing.-

JOHN: any luck?

KANKRI: -Tumors....-

KANKRI: -Yeah alright fair that is him.-

ROSE: Vriska stole the ship.

ROSE: Fairly incompetently.

JOHN: ...pfffft... WHAT? -LAUGHING-

ROSE: She's arguing with HAL, right now...

JOHN: oh my gosh. i am going to give her such a punch.

ROSE: And she is losing.

JOHN: can you pass that message on for me?

JOHN: right in the face. boom.

KANKRI: -Hes frowning.- 9h dear... that d9esn't s9und all that funny 9r like light hearted material c9nsidering 9ur situati9n.

JOHN: well i really do mean it. she is kidnapping my baby technically. but what else did you find out/

ROSE: I'd rate it as a three, compared to the seven that is a hamburger with eyeballs.

ROSE: Dirk is in Texas.

ROSE: And... other people are elsewhere. Information is still a bit disoragnized.

JOHN: -snorts again. Sorry guys. This is his reaction to pain.-(edited)

JOHN: i hope everyone's ..at least as relatively ok as we are.

ROSE: Relatively.

ROSE: ...See if Jamison or Jolene can't look at your coms. I think mine will recover when I can... get ahold of myself.

KANKRI: Again, an9ther p9sitive.

JOHN: things could be a lot worse! -gonna pass his comm along to Jamison-

JAMISON: =was already fiddling with things but he'll fiddle MORE and FIX UP John's comm=

JOHN: -sighs a little as he hands it over.- i hope jade is alright...and the babies.

JOHN: she was all...weird right before we teleported.

JOHN: growling and stuff.

KANKRI: Yes, indeed. -Hes also going to fish out his device and look it over to be certain it still is working.-

KANKRI: Als9 9h... Well ideally they all will 6e just fine.

KANKRI: -Hes so bad at comforting right now, hes a failure.-

JOLENE: -currently barking and flipping her shit, too busy to be helpful mostly because I'm doing too much at once-

JOEY: so i take it jade isnt normally like that

ROSE: No.

ROSE: She's not.

JUDE: -HOWEVER, he's grumbling something about kids being fine-

JOEY: ah

JUDE: -while hunched over his comm which does work-

JOHN: -rubs the back of his neck, frowning and looking around. he feels restless.-

JAMISON: =hands John back his comm GOOD AS NEW... maybe even better. Definitely better it has a GUN feature now=

JAMISON: There you go! :D

JOHN: -????????????-

JAMISON: =He had it for 2 minutes=

JOEY: =comfort pat on Jude's back???=

JUDE: -GOOD PLAN-

JOHN: -HE WILL PROBABLY NEVER USE THIS BUT HE SAYS THANK YOU ANYWAY. -

JOHN: -he'll get dirk to install a child safety lock when he gets back home >>-

JUDE: -STARES AT JOEY WIDE EYED- ... I...

JUDE: I told her... that the head set... -looks down at his comm again- I guess it doesn't matter now

ROSE: What?

ROSE: What are you talking about?

ROSE: -Sits up, from being all hunched over her com.-

JUDE: ... jane's head set

JUDE: I thought... because it was crocker corp technology

JUDE: they could use it to get to us somehow... track our location... or worse

JUDE: and worse happened

ROSE: -she just scowls.-

ROSE: Mm.

MEULIN: WAIT, WHAT?? -looks around for whoever's speaking. her sunglasses aren't exactly being clear on who this is yet.-

MEULIN: WHAT HAPPENED EXACTLY?

JOEY: :(

JOEY: jude was right...again

ROSE: You can have this back. -She holds the device over to her.- ROSE: We were used.

ROSE: I don't know if she was in on it somehow, or—

ROSE: I don't know. ROSE: This is too much.

ROSE: Everything is... too much.

JOHN: we can't think about that right now. -nudges her.-

JOHN: let's focus on what we can control.-

ROSE: Right.

ROSE: We need a way to get out of here. Meet up with the others.

ROSE: And we need a place to rest and take stock of what we've got.

MEULIN: -puts the device back up- THE SMELL OF THIS PLACE... IS GIVING ME A WICKED BAD HEADACHE. (^>ｪ<^)

ROSE: -She wipes her eyes one last time and rises to her feet.- It's pretty intense. And... sustained.

JOHN: -UGH YEAH ME TOO. it's actually worse than he wants to admit because of sensory stuff but HE'S STAYING STUBBORNLY. OPTIMISTIC. he uncapatchas a little tub of ....Vicks of all thing sand takes a BIG WHIFF.- mmm.....okay thats' better.

JOHN: -dabs it on his upper lip right below his nostrils-

KANKRI: Hm. D9 we even have any exact idea 9f where we are currently l9cated?

KANKRI: 6esides in an ur6an setting surr9unded 6y seemingly thrilled individuals, wh9 I d9nt necessarily 6elieve are as happy as they appear...

JOHN: yeah this is some 1984 bullshit if i ever saw it. looks like they're really on board with big brother.

JOHN: bitch couldn't even be original about how she fucked up my planet. -sighs-

JOHN: maybe we could ask one though?

ROSE: ...I...

ROSE: Don't think this one was ever on the maps, before.-

ROSE: -she points towards the sky, where the massive blimp looms, reading WELCOME TO FLAVORTOWN.-

KANKRI: 6ig 6r9ther... are y9u meaning t9 say and 9r ass9ciate it with the phrase that in turn means the "9ver watching presence" 9f a higher c9rp9rati9n 9r g9vernment, usually in a negative 9r c9rrupted light?

KANKRI: -Also looks where Rose is pointing and oh what do you know. They are in Flavortown.-

JOHN: well, apparently we're in flavortown, i guess. -rolls eyes-

JOHN: juts saying it makes me feel dirty.

KANKRI: -Side eyes John.- That is an 9dd reacti9n t9 have t9 a name 9f a city.

KANKRI: Alth9ugh I have t9 agree with R9se, I d9nt remem6er ever learning a69ut a city named as such in my studies 9f Earth. Alth9ugh I c9uld have easily missed it if its n9t m9re significant.

JOEY: im gone for what? ten years?

JOEY: everythings changing!

JOHN: i feel you, kiddo.

JOHN: i wanted to show you guys my room! my old psoters are still up in there.

JOHN: i think?

JOEY: =KIDDO....im almost 40= eheeheehee

JOHN: -he walks up to some of the advertisements, studying closely and trying to read some of the SIGNAGE. he can understand Alternian, at least if that's what the troll script is.-

JOHN: -he's hoping there's one of those cheesy maps with the YOU ARE HERE arrows or osmething.-

[ John does manage to see this ]

http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/seriouslytheworst/images/1/1c/Chart-mooo.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/640?cb=20150920192938

JOEY: RUMP!

[It doesn't seem as if anyone is interested in speaking to them, much less harming them. If anything, everyone around is too busy trying to look mirthful, as if they hope it's sufficient enough. The city streets aren't busy, but there are definitely plenty of alley ways, a couple even with barrel fires in them.]

JOHN: -HES' GETTING EDUCATED ABOUT MEAT BUT NOT WHERE THEY ARE, NECESSARILY-

KANKRI: -Barrel fires are not exactly safe. Someone could fall in or they could be knocked over or filled with dangerous burning products.-

JOHN: -don't worry kankri, he won't let anyone stuff you into a burning barrel.-

KANKRI: -WELL HE WASNT THINKING ABOUT THAT.-

JOHN: -okay well his comm is working. what if he just tries...Troogle Maps?-

KANKRI: -But that would be a concern.-

JOHN: -It's only an issue if you're tiny and perfectly barrel sized-

KANKRI: -John has thought about this too much.-

[If John checks Troogle maps, he will find that they are somewhere near the New York /Canada border]

JOHN: -Sighs, taking a screen shot so he doesn't have to waste so much battery. Then he shows it to Rose.-

ROSE: Oh.

ROSE: ...

ROSE: This is. Kind of near where I used to live.

JOHN: oh! wow! really?

ROSE: We're about six miles from Niagra Falls.

JOEY: =looks around, surprised= really??

ROSE: Yeah.

ROSE: That can't be right.

JOHN: how come?

ROSE: Because it...

ROSE: Just doesn't make much sense? I mean, I admit, my knowledge of this area is approximate and only half-remembered, but...

ROSE: Look at how far this city extends.

ROSE: Look at the size of these buildings! ROSE: There's no industry or exploitable resource here. The falls are a tourist attraction.

JOEY: because...! =gestures at....everything.=

JOHN: -bites his lip- extreme urban sprawl.

ROSE: Well, yes. To a cartoonish degree. Which I do admit is a bit... appropriate, in the presence of certain elements.

ROSE: -She poitns to another sign.- http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/seriouslytheworst/images/9/97/YUMEE.png/revision/latest?cb=20150919122142

ROSE: But still.

JOHN: -he desperately wants to graffiti on all this crap. and maybe take a leak on it for good measure.-

JOHN: >:/

JOEY: you alright there john buddy

JOHN: oh yeah. i just got my dander up.

[And yet it exists. All of it. Spicily, and v eerily the buildings loom over them. An almost palpable haze of grease in the air. Not mention the numerous neon signs. A new one was being attached to an adjacent building right at this moment. An unsettling picture of Guy Fieri upon. GUYS BIG BITE. SEASON PREMIERE LIVE FROM FLAVORTOWN. Wednesday at 8pm est/7pm cst]

ROSE: -SQUINTS-

JOHN: -PARTICULARILY REPULSED BY THIS IMAGE.- it's like the batterwitch's floury fingerprints on everything.

JOHN: sliding down your back.

JOHN: -shivers-

MEULIN: .... WHO THE FURK IS GUY?(edited)

KANKRI: -Squints up at the billboard as well.- I am als9 c9nfused as t9 wh9 this is.

JOHN: -turns away from it pointedly.- so what do you think rose? is it worth it to try and find your old house?

ROSE: No.

ROSE: No, I doubt there's anything left.

ROSE: We should just find someplace to sleep where no one will ask us any questions.

ROSE: ...Not that they appear to be willing to.

JOHN: hmm. - scratches chin and troogle maps again. this times for subways... and not the kind that sell sandwiches. -

[Closed and currently being filled with buffalo wing queso]

JOHN: -he's mad because he's disappointed but that sounds delicious-