#but still there’s a lot to celebrate today

[dissapointu]

Arcane characters throwing a birthday party for the reader who has a bad memory and forgot his own birthday 😝

((my memory is rubbish, I can forget things I'm going to say/do In the same second , casual conversations, details and commitments 😔 planners are my best friends)

Happy birthday again 🥳

BABE. FIRST OF ALL.your faves would 1000000% throw you the most extra, heartfelt birthday party of all time because you deserve to feel loved and celebrated—memory or not.

So here’s how they’d handle it when you’re out here vibing, completely forgetting it’s your special day, and they’re like “Oh no, not on my watch.”

————————————————————————-

Jinx

Jinx is giving CHAOTIC ENERGY for this party. She’s not even subtle about it.

• You’d probably walk in and see her messing with some dangerous contraption, and she’d be like, “SURPRISE! You forgot your birthday, but I didn’t!”

• The party is WILD—explosions (small ones, probably), neon lights, spray-painted “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” signs, and cupcakes she may or may not have dropped at least once.

• She’s dragging you into every game and activity, yelling stuff like, “You don’t get to forget your own birthday, dummy! That’s what I’m here for!”

• By the end of the night, she’s probably passed out on the couch, holding a balloon, mumbling about how you’re “the best ever.”

Vi

Vi’s the type to keep it lowkey cool but still make it super special.

• She’d notice you forgot your own birthday and go, “Really? Guess I gotta take matters into my own hands.”

• She’d gather all your favorite people, decorate with some string lights and snacks, and surprise you like, “Told you I’d always have your back, didn’t I?”

• She’s keeping an eye on you all night, making sure you’re actually enjoying yourself and not overthinking anything.

• Before the night’s over, she’s pulling you aside for a quiet moment like, “Next time you forget your birthday, I’m just gonna tattoo it on your forehead.”

Sevika

Sevika pretends she doesn’t care, but she’s planning this whole thing in SECRET.

• She’s got a killer poker face, so when you’re like, “Wait, is today my birthday?” she’s just smirking like, “Guess you’ll find out.”

• The party is simple but PERFECT—her version of “lowkey” is making sure everything you love is there: your favorite food, drinks, and music.

• She acts all casual about it during the party, but at some point, she hands you a gift and says, “Don’t forget who made this happen.”

Silco

Silco would be so extra but act like it’s no big deal.

• He notices you forgot your birthday and immediately starts plotting. He’s like, “How does one forget their own existence? I’ll have to fix this.”

• The party is elegant AF—dim lighting, fancy food, and everything planned down to the smallest detail.

• He’s not a big “party” guy, but he’d be there in the corner, sipping his drink, watching you enjoy yourself, and thinking, “Yes, this is satisfactory.”

• At the end of the night, he’d come over and say something soft like, “Don’t forget your worth. I won’t.”

Vander

Vander would be the dad friend who makes your birthday feel like home.

• He’d figure out you forgot and immediately start pulling everyone together to plan something. He’s like, “We can’t let them go another year without feeling special.”

• The party would be warm and cozy—lots of laughter, good food, and a cake he baked himself (even if it’s a little lopsided).

• He’d give you a big hug at some point and say, “You’ve got a lot of people who care about you, even if you forget sometimes.”

• It’s the kind of party that leaves you feeling like you belong.

Ekko

Ekko would turn your forgotten birthday into an unforgettable NIGHT.

• He’d act all chill about it but secretly plan the coolest party ever. Firelight lanterns? Check. Music and dancing? Check. The BEST vibes? Double check.

• When you’re like, “Wait, is this for my birthday?” he’d laugh and say, “Yeah, you kinda forgot, but don’t worry—I didn’t.”

• He’d spend the whole night hyping you up, making sure you know how important you are to him and everyone else.

• By the end of the night, he’s handing you a handmade gift like, “Something to help you remember next time.”

Jayce

Jayce is going ALL OUT. No chill whatsoever.

• He’d throw a huge surprise party, complete with decorations, balloons, and probably a cake with your face on it. “You forgot your birthday? Not on my watch!”

• He’d spend the entire night making sure you’re having fun, constantly checking in like, “You good? Need anything?”

• He’d make a toast at some point, hyping you up in front of everyone. “To the best person I know. Happy birthday, even if you forgot it!”

• You’d leave feeling like the most important person in the world.

Viktor

Viktor would make your birthday feel quietly magical.

• He’d notice you forgot and gently remind you by planning a thoughtful little surprise. “I didn’t forget, so you don’t have to.”

• The party would be small and intimate, with everything tailored to your preferences. Soft lighting, good conversation, and maybe even a little tinkering if you’re into it.

• He’d give you a heartfelt gift, saying something like, “I know your memory gets the best of you, but you’re unforgettable to me.”

Caitlyn

Caitlyn would be the QUEEN of thoughtful birthday surprises.

• She’d find out you forgot your birthday and immediately start planning something sweet and meaningful.

• The party would be elegant but not over-the-top—just enough to make you feel special. She’d definitely include all your favorite things.

• At some point, she’d pull you aside and say, “You might forget your birthday, but I’ll always remember. You’re worth celebrating.”

Mel Medarda

Mel would throw the most glamorous birthday party you’ve ever seen.

• She’d notice you forgot and smile to herself like, “Looks like I’ll have to step in.”

• The party would be GORGEOUS—fancy decor, delicious food, and a vibe that screams “luxury.”

• She’d take a moment to toast to you, saying something poetic like, “To the person who deserves more than they remember to ask for.”

Ambessa Medarda

Ambessa would be direct but thoughtful.

• When she realizes you forgot your birthday, she’d be like, “How do you forget something like that? Never mind—I’ve got it handled.”

• The party would be practical but deeply meaningful—everything chosen with care to make sure you feel appreciated.

• She’d tell you at the end, “Don’t let yourself forget how much you mean to the people around you. We won’t let you.”

Heimerdinger

Heimerdinger would LOVE throwing you a surprise birthday party.

• He’d go all out with quirky decorations, fun activities, and maybe even a little invention to commemorate the day.

• “Ah, you forgot your birthday? No worries—I remembered for you!”

• The whole night would be filled with laughter and warmth, and he’d make sure you know just how much you’re appreciated.

Salo

Salo would be quiet but so sincere.

• He’d notice you forgot your birthday and take it upon himself to plan a small but meaningful celebration.

• The party would be simple but full of heart—just the right mix of people, good food, and a little reminder of how much you’re loved.

Scar

Scar would be CHAOTICALLY AMAZING.

• He’d be the one yelling, “YOU FORGOT YOUR BIRTHDAY? HOW???” while running around setting up decorations.

• The party would be loud, fun, and full of energy. He’d make sure you’re smiling the entire time, yelling stuff like, “This is YOUR day! Own it!”

Maddie Nolen

Maddie would be super sweet and thoughtful.

• She’d notice you forgot your birthday and plan something small but so full of love.

• She’d quietly make sure you’re comfortable and enjoying yourself, saying, “You might forget things sometimes, but I’ll never forget how special you are.”

Lest

Lest would be so kind and gentle about it.

• She’d realize you forgot and immediately start planning a little surprise to make you smile.

• The party would feel magical, like a fairytale, with every detail chosen just for you.

• She’d tell you at some point, “Even if your memory fails you, you have me to remind you.”

[yridenergyridenergy]

Live report - Tour24 Who Is This Hell For? 2024/11/21 at Zepp Sapporo

Setlist:

Ruten no tou

AMON

Hageshisa to, kono mune no naka de karamitsuita shakunetsu no yami

Keigaku no yoku

Magayasou

Celebrate Empty Howls

Mitsu to tsuba

DIABOLOS

VINUSHKA

OBSCURE

Ochita koto no aru sora

The Inferno

-encore-

The Devil In Me

Values of Madness

Uroko

Eddie

My thoughts overall today are:

- so many echoes of Kyo's voice!

- This took me back to the first few times I saw Dir en grey live, in Canada, and the first times in Japan too. Times that were easier, where I was doing fine. The last time I saw them in Sapporo, in 2019, was also literally the beginning of this somewhat debilitating medical condition, caused by my own mistake. Therefore, this whole setlist, the songs and their meaning, conveyed a lot for me in this instance.

Shinya walked on stage dressed in all white. For some reason, it seemed like it was the first time that I could see him properly at his drum set. He was a literal prince! He looked so majestic, so strong. Magayasou especially was HIS time to shine! His drumming is so disorganized, and there was almost rancour and disdain behind one of his side hits during one of the songs, like if anybody had been standing there, they would have been utterly knocked out before they could blink. Also, regarding Shinya, Die tried to interact, but it seemed like Toshiya was the one who was successful in catching Shinya's glance, unless Shinya would have looked that way whether Toshiya was standing there or not hah. And it seemed to me like Shinya was truly peering at us from time to time, which I'd somehow never noticed.

Die was wearing some kind of light black tunic on top of a black tank top whose collar was very low, and he had leather short shorts on top of tights with a swirly design.

Regarding Die, the verdict is clear: he mouths total nonsense hahah. It really isn't the lyrics most of the time. He's just pumping us up by gaping his mouth a few times. He smiled so much throughout the show. I can't remember which song it was, but when it ended, he looked so ecstatic and proud, it reminded me of a high school girl finishing the performance of her life! I think that image stems from how young and happy he looked hah. His long hair kept getting stuck on his guitars.

Toshiya wore a black satin outfit with loooong panels below the sleeves. He had not only his thighs but his shoulders bare too. He had at least some lipstick, from what I remember. Toshiya was totally dramatic and expressive, like we know him to be hah.

Kaoru always impresses me by how he doesn't appear to sweat, and yet he wears the most layers in the band! He had the entire emperor look, baggy pants tucked into high boots, kind of like a horse rider, and the white dress shirt, cape, etc. He had makeup to accentuate his temples, as well as a bit of lining around his eyes, I think?

Kyo came on stage last of course, wearing all black. T-shirt tucked into clean black straight pants, black ribbed socks and shiny black work shoes. No makeup whatsoever. His hair was maybe an inch long. The tattoo next to his right eye is really visible, but this time I was on the kamite side, so I couldn't observe it much. And yeah, he has filled up the space below his jaw to outline his face. It looks like random lines: what pops up is a circular space left almost blank in the centre of his throat like to indicate where to do a tracheotomy, one line left blank on the sides, his Damned tattoo, and the two melded faces on the right side of his neck. If "Truth" is still written below his chin, it's barely distinguishable. Kyo's barbed wire tattoo sticks out a lot from his hairline at the top, despite the length of his hair right now.

It seemed like Kyo got really into the songs mostly at Diabolos. He also peeked at his lyrics memo sheets a lot, not that I blame him.

Ruten no tou was really cool. After "Sora yo", Kyo's voice is doubled in canon echoes, until the part where, in the studio recording, he does a light-pitched sigh, but in this live performance, it was merely an exhale.

The audience would have left Ruten no tou to end and transition into the next song in silence if I hadn't initiated a cheer, which happened a couple of other times. The only moment where we did let the band transition in silence was after Keigaku no yoku, because it would have been super inappropriate to cheer after he ended the song in: "Ore wa sakebu... HAYAKU SHINEEE!!" He ad-libbed Keigaku no yoku for at least the first half. No real clue what he said, it sounded like he was murmuring with the mic too close to his lips. Oh and it was awesome when they echoed Kyo's high-pitched sounds after the harder parts.

AMON was quite cool too. I don't remember anything special right now, other than that it was yet another moment where Shinya's drumming shone.

Hageshisa to, and frankly all of the other songs too, seemed to get the reaction that the band wanted. Everyone pitched in and headbanged as usual. Kyo had us sing a few parts and he did the traditional a capella: "Dive, like hell, and desTROY". Toshiya did his spins with very wide and dramatic movements, but it was clearly because there was no other way to avoid his super long sleeve fabric from interfering with him playing the bass hah.

Magayasou, I literally paid attention mostly to Shinya because of how badass his drumming is in that song. I just remember that I've definitely seen Kyo way more involved in that song in the past, but not now.

Oh, I don't recall which song exactly it was in the first few, but it was funny seeing Kaoru and Die hurry back from the edge of the stage to their mics whenever they realized that: "Oops, I've got backup vocals in 3, 2, 1..." Toshiya almost seemed to follow Kaoru with his stare when it happened like Kaoru snapped out of a trance.

During Celebrate Empty Howls, it feels like the performance was even more energetic from Kyo and the others when I last saw it in an assigned-seat hall. Either way, it involved Toshiya, Die and Kaoru coming to the front to tease us, switching sides once in a while. Toshiya's always all smiles, while Kaoru at most winks stoically hah.

The second pause happened between Celebrate Empty Howls and Mitsu to Tsuba, which felt kind of awkward. Overall, I felt like adding one or two Inward Screams would have livened up Kyo's performance slightly, or at least greatly changed it and the atmosphere of the songs.

Mitsu to Tsuba is mostly Die's time to shine. He knows the effect he has on us and he likes all the distortions he can get out of his guitar.

By the way, other than the SE, I actually don't recall seeing much AI-generated footage in the backdrop videos! The SE had images of a hooded stalker of sorts walking toward a bridge at night, a clown, photographs transposed in a circle to piece together probably someone supposed to be a criminal, etc. The music is a bit unmemorizable, but it had a beat that prompted us to clap to it while we waited for Shinya to show up.

Diabolos was amazing! Die was almost mocking us laughing during the segments where we headbang for three consecutive parts, which happens two other times in the song. I don't know if people seemed tired.

Kyo had us shouting "Blue Velvet" a couple of times. But the song evoked a lot in him, it showed. He was really into it.

The backdrop video of Diabolos caught my attention because it seems like when we sing about "Blue Velvet", we're... cooking a pig? There's just a charred pig head on a cut tree trunk, along with other imagery that makes it clear that the pig was cooked. An African tribesman with white lines of makeup all over his face and body is shown afterward. I'm not sure that that is ever what I would have associated with "Blue Velvet".

Oh, it was crazy, the anticipation building up to the "Saa ningen o yamero" part of this song. Kyo just shouted each line with deep breaks in between, to punch each point. Reading the official lyrics again, I'm pretty sure that Kyo completely changed the lyrics before "Saa ningen o yamero", actually, because it involved more stuff like: "You, and my self too, "

I think it might have been in Diabolos that Toshiya copied Kyo's stance with their left hand raised, leaning backward with their side facing us. It must have been during the climax line: " I raise my vacant eyes toward the sky".

Vinushka, again, I've seen Kyo more intense in this song in some live recordings, but it was nice and felt anyway. For some reason, the parallel between Kyo bringing his mic slowly toward his mouth for the "Aaaah... Vinushka" part while the background video shows the nuclear bomb approaching the viewer from above only just struck me. It's the same movement of two points slowly connecting to express impeding doom, that seems calm and quiet before the explosion.

Obscure involved a lot of headbanging, Toshiya spinning, etc. We didn't see much hah.

Ochita koto no aru sora started kind of like before Obscure finished, it took me a while to recognize the melody. Kyo had us sing some parts. I was really looking forward to witnessing this song live for the first time!

The Inferno came and I knew that it was the last song of the main setlist, which happened way too quickly! Sure, there were two long songs, but it felt way too short! Kyo wanted us to participate in the song a few times and he gestured the cut-throat at the very start and a couple of other times throughout the song, but I don't think he headbanged himself.

Kyo threw his mic backward JUST short of Shinya's drum set and walked off the stage before the song had even finished, leaving the other members to complete the last bit of the melody. Die was especially happy, he stayed behind to play moooore distortion, as long as he could, several seconds after everybody else had left the stage. His smile was wide!

The members returned for the encore rather quickly considering that Toshiya's assistant was still tuning his bass hah. Shinya had a sleeveless black shirt with the super big gold necklace in the style that he, Kaoru and Kyo have worn since The Perfume of Sins! Die has cut the sleeves from the black 27-years sweater but he was still wearing mostly the same clothes underneath. His arms are really defined, but Toshiya has totally surpassed him in muscle mass, woah. Buffest member in the band. Kaoru only took off his cape; how the hell does he not sweat! Toshiya had the grey sweater from the tour merch and his pants/boots with his thighs exposed. Kyo hadn't changed.

Although he did it once, or max twice during the main set, Kyo egged us on with "Sapporo!" several times in the encore, asking us over and over whether we could go on, become one, etc.

Oh man, The Devil In Me! I still completely disagree with the band's decision to rely heavily on backtracks, especially for the part "Jinkaku hitei o abite" which literally was recorded by the backup vocalists? What the fuck. But it's so cool and intense to watch Kyo lose it, growling, folding, swinging his mic cord up and down as he pours his self-hate. For the last minute or so of the song, he climbed on his crate, wrapped his red mic cord around his neck without theatrics, and sang with just enough length of the cord to follow his right arm as it curled toward his mouth. Otherwise, if he extended his arm too much, it would have tightened the noose. At the end of the song, while the instrumental continues for quite a while, he slowly sheds, or rather shrugs off one part of the mic cord from him. First, the noose is undone. Then, the cord draped on his left shoulder is shrugged off, which leaves just the one on his right side, which comes off while he stares almost in challenge at the horizon. Shedding a weight from his shoulders, from his existence literally, but not looking 100% relieved whatsoever.

Values of Madness has me headbanging intensely, so I'm not sure what happened, to be honest. Die was smiling, I think. Kyo stayed quiet to demand us to sing sometimes, which he seemed satisfied with. I don't know if it was in this song or another one, but Kyo was stalking his way in front of his crate when he must have stomped on his mic cord, because he stopped abruptly on his track to fix that before a real problem occurred.

In all three of the last songs, it was funny because the members would visit different sides of the stage, then went back to their spot when the song ended, but then another hyper song started and they went right back out there, repeating this dance once more for Eddie hah.

For the last song, Kyo asked us if we could go on, and he seemed taken aback by the response he got from the shimote side on the left, because he was like: "Huh? Are you alive?" So then that part of the crowd finally put their all into the cheer. Kyo turned to the kamite, and it sounded like we were way more at 100% intensity than shimote from the start. He asked us a second time anyway, and then, after a second of quiet on his part, he did his sudden a capella crescendo: "aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHH" with his 'claw' rising progressively, which had us all jumping and cheering. Eddie started and Kyo asked us to sing some parts, sometimes taking off his ear monitor. It wasn't clear on his face whether he was satisfied though, so probably not.

Kyo threw one of his water bottles kind of carelessly into the crowd, letting the cap and straw disconnect and all the water spray randomly onto us. Then, he promptly left. Shinya took a long time to come down from his platform, it seemed. Toshiya and Die had already started throwing picks and water. Die did the fountain/water sprouting move from close to his chest, like we saw him do in one or two videos. Toshiya and him sprayed us so much, they seemed to take a lot of pleasure in it. All three who were left on stage threw picks for a while, and I remember Kaoru stoically waving his index at us, as though teasing or chastising us for some reason hah.

Toshiya left with a smile and a modest bow and hand wave. Kaoru also waved us goodbye after throwing everything he had. Die was last, throwing his towel far but not close to the balcony like he sometimes aims to do. He intently looks at whoever catches his towel, like it means a lot to him to watch their reaction. He was really all smiles, mouthing stuff that resembled "arigatou" to us, and then he waved at us on his final way out.

What a blast, overall! I'm probably forgetting some stuff, but less than if I tried to write this live report any other time after today. I hope they play the setlist with Phenomenon in Sendai!

Oh and at one point, I was like: "Who the hell is filming the show with their cellphone? They played the reminder of the rules so often and so clearly." But it was Fujieda filming Shinya, so I guess that's the video we're getting tomorrow hah.

[heartedbysunoo]

INTERVIEW

HEESEUNG: “I feel like I’m at a place where I can excel at anything”

ENHYPEN ROMANCE: UNTOLD -daydream- comeback interview

2024.11.23

In his first “-note,” dated July 7, 2020—back when he was still a trainee—HEESEUNG took a look back at each of his lessons for the day, showing a serious thirst for improvement. Fast-forward to today, where the idol, having now achieved his long-held dream of becoming an artist, says he’s “at a place where” he “can do excel at anything”—a major transformation that includes going from a trainee anxious to debut to an artist performing with utmost confidence under stadium lights.

You’re celebrating the fourth anniversary of your debut. Have you ever rewatched those old “-note” videos you made, by any chance?

HEESEUNG: Ah… I get so embarrassed now that I can’t watch them all the way through. (laughs)

I remember in the “-note” you filmed the day ENHYPEN was formed, you talked about how you felt when you found out you would be debuting with your group. You said you “kind of felt sad inside, but I was emotionally really happy.”

HEESEUNG: That’s true. Why did I feel sad about it? Wow—I have no idea. (laughs) I guess I was anxious at the time and felt like it was really happening? I’d been keeping myself strictly disciplined for four years, and now that I was finally debuting, all those bottled-up emotions burst out of me. That’s probably why I said that.

I rewatched your first “-note,” and in it, you talked about where you had room for improvement while reflecting on the practice you did that day.

HEESEUNG: I was kind of anxious when we were filming I-LAND. Honestly, after years of almost nonstop prep for the debut, I was having a bit of a tough time. Even after the show ended and we debuted, I felt so impatient. I felt impatient about everything. Debuting wasn’t the end of it. My goal when I wanted to debut was just to become part of a group, but then, of course, once I accomplished that, something else had to come next. I looked around thinking, “What do I do now?” There were already so many people who are good at music and at performing. The first time I went to an awards ceremony and realized “these people are my competition,” it was scary and inevitably made me even more anxious and impatient. But now I feel like my own comfort is the most important thing. What hurts my pride is if I get nervous onstage. It feels like I’m bringing myself down if I get nervous.

In a “-note” from August, you said, “But to ENGENE who have seen me since I was 20, it must be very interesting… I feel like I’ve changed a lot from who I was then… I definitely feel happier as the years go by.” Is the fact that you don’t feel nervous anymore a part of that change?

HEESEUNG: I think it’s because it’s been about four years now. I try not to be impatient or feel nervous, and try to be relaxed at all times. I don’t even need to go out of my way to think about shaking out my nerves. I try not to even think about it—I just get on with it. I think clearing your mind and holding onto a bit of tension while you’re onstage is the best way to go. The same goes for everyday life. Here’s to easy, worry-free living. And to being open and just being comfortable doing things your way.

You seem much more comfortable expressing your emotions now.

HEESEUNG: I think I’ve become a little more human since back then. Nowadays, I just talk about however I’m feeling, which I find kind of funny. I actually feel like I need to tone it down a bit now. (laughs) But life’s taught me that there’s more upsides to expressing your emotions than downsides. When you’re open about your feelings, communication is a breeze. If I’m not clear about things, I end up regretting it later. I speak up even if it feels a little unpleasant at the moment, or try a different approach. It can be a hassle but it’s always better that way. So at this point, I feel like I’m at a place where I can excel at anything.

During the LIVE celebrating the fourth anniversary of the group, you reminisced about the I-LAND era with the others. I thought the words, “Don’t worry, guys, I’ll start, and make sure it works no matter what,” really cut to the pressure you felt throughout the show. Do you feel more relaxed within the group now?

HEESEUNG: I actually said that out of fear. I was a little scared at the time, and I wanted to do well. Now I don’t feel that in the slightest. When we go onstage, it’s like, “Oh, dopamine. This’ll be fun.” I’m the oldest of our Gen Z crew, after all. (laughs) We’ve got pretty good teamwork. We’re having some fun as we go. (laughs) Everyone does their own thing too, but we share the same goal, so it’s like we kind of come together? It’s really unique and fun like that. That’s when I realized I used to have a very rigid idea of what a team is before.

Your closing remarks at the WALK THE LINE concert in Goyang left a big impression: “Honestly, we’re human too, so we have our own share of tough times. But since each and every one of us is so kind and warmhearted, we don’t let it show, and work hard, and help each other out, and things that seemed impossible before became possible.” It seems like you tweaked your teamwork while getting ready for the tour.

HEESEUNG: Whew, that was 100% genuine. Honestly, I don’t think there’s anyone as pure and kindhearted as the members of our group. I’m 23 now, and you meet more and more people out in the world. But truly, the other members are so pure and such incredibly kindhearted people. I’m so grateful how they’re understanding even when I make occasional mistakes.

On the other hand, performing the fan dedication song “Highway 1009,” which you produced yourself, during the WALK THE LINE tour must have been a special experience for you.

HEESEUNG: Oh… I got emotional but tried really hard to hold back my tears. It absolutely filled my heart to the brim. Writing a single song is always an incredibly long process. From sitting alone in the studio and thinking, “Ah, what’ll I do…” and then having that, “Aha, here we go, okay!” feeling, to writing lines, recording vocals, getting approval, and directing, then hearing that melody booming out at a huge concert venue—it was so surreal. It made all the hard work feel so rewarding.

Between doing the FATE PLUS tour and starting the WALK THE LINE tour, in what ways do you feel you’ve grown from performing so much?

HEESEUNG: First there was all this anticipation for the new tour. During the stadium tour, I felt the importance of performing live yet again. I have a really good ear for when I wobble even slightly in pitch during live shows, so I worked through that with a lot of practice.

In the “-note” where you revealed the demo of “Highway 1009,” you said, “I think I was more afraid about working on music than I realized.” I was surprised to hear you say that. You sound very attentive when it comes to songwriting.

HEESEUNG: It’s comparable to cooking, where you get a little nervous when someone tries something you made. “How is it? Is it bad? Too salty? Too sweet?” Kind of like that. But if they tell you something tastes off, then of course I have to fix it—because, whether objectively or subjectively speaking, something’s not right. That was a decent analogy, wasn’t it? (laughs)

You talked about making your own songs in a previous Weverse Magazine interview, and you called yourself “super stubborn.” You seem very open to feedback, though.

HEESEUNG: I mean, it’s not a big deal to change something. (laughs) I have my stubborn moments, but when I’m writing a song, I tend to be super receptive to feedback.

I understand you also prepared meticulously for the making of ROMANCE: UNTOLD -daydream-.

HEESEUNG: For the single “No Doubt,” the group talked about which musical eras it evokes and how it sounds like older R&B. We also checked out a lot of different music and videos of live performances. We’ve been having lots of meetings on the direction our music should ultimately take as well—whether that means taking a somewhat different approach in terms of genre, wanting to have more hip hop vibes, or something else—but regardless, we have to engage in friendly competition with each other. I think you have to spur each other on when you’re making music.

How was it practicing for “No Doubt” after all that discussion? You’re the one who starts the song off, right?

HEESEUNG: I liked it. (laughs) When I first heard the song, it felt like something I knew I could already do, but something that would be fairly new for the group. The choreography’s way more intense than it looks, too—so much so that it beefed up my legs, even though I don’t work out much. So now I have some muscle in my legs. (laughs) The part in the chorus where we dance with our hands in our back pockets is the highlight of the choreo, and I love that part. It felt like the highlight to me, even when we were shooting the music video.

ROMANCE: UNTOLD, and ROMANCE: UNTOLD -daydream- after it, revolve around a highly jealous, very lonely vampire boyfriend. Is it similar to your own definition of love?

HEESEUNG: I don’t think of jealousy as love. (laughs) Love is… I don’t know. But I don’t think jealousy is it. That’s just something that arises from feeling insecure.

You said you don’t know much about romance, yet ENHYPEN sings about romantic vampires.

HEESEUNG: Good point. I guess the somewhat idealistic parts of our song lyrics have become a good example for me to follow. (laughs)

Did HEE-roducer make another appearance when you were directing and giving ideas to the other members during the recording sessions for ROMANCE: UNTOLD -daydream-?

HEESEUNG: It never quite reached HEE-roducer levels (laughs) but I did give some feedback on little things here and there during dance rehearsal this time around. Oh—but it’s not like I’m a dance drill sergeant or anything. That would be JUNGWON. (laughs)

You talked in that previous interview about the other ENHYPEN members’ strengths from the perspective of HEE-roducer. What do you consider to be your own strengths?

HEESEUNG: For me… I think my strength is doing things without anyone having to tell me to—trying out creative, new things on my own. And if I’m being honest, I think I’m pretty well-rounded. (laughs)

Is that how you got started with producing—by trying new things?

HEESEUNG: It was to understand myself better. I felt like I wanted to get to know myself. There’s still things about me that I thought I knew but actually don’t, and I think I can uncover those things through music. I want to release my own mixtape and perform it onstage. Oh, and actually, I recently did something I’ve been wanting to do! It was just a cover, but it was part of my dream to perform onstage solo. I covered “Can’t Feel My Face” by The Weeknd at Music Bank in Madrid.

You always struck me as someone who only puts something out into the world when you feel it’s completely ready, but interestingly, during a Weverse LIVE, you said that the performance “was more fun because I didn't really practice before going.”

HEESEUNG: It was almost like a freestyle performance, but it was fun—really fun. Hearing 30,000 people there all cheering just for me was… fun. (laughs)

So you weren’t nervous then, either?

HEESEUNG: For that show? Of course I was nervous. (laughs) But it’s one thing to not want that feeling and another thing to just not feel it. (laughs) I was warming up my voice and practicing my moves until 10 seconds before I went on, but as soon as I got up there, I thought, “Wow, this is gonna be crazy fun,” and all that nervousness turned into excitement.

What motivates you to work like that?

HEESEUNG: How I felt about my dream when I was younger, I guess?

How does it feel now that you’re living your childhood dream?

HEESEUNG: It feels unreal. I didn’t expect to reach this point in my life so soon. It was just four or five years ago that I was worried and skeptical, like, “Can I really do this?” But now I can hardly remember those days of self-doubt because I’m living the dream.

So what would you like to accomplish together with ENHYPEN?

HEESEUNG: My dream with ENHYPEN is to be even better. It’s not about the numbers—it’s about being able to express more through our performances and through our music, and receiving recognition for it. There are certain things in this industry that are set in stone, and I want to break through that. I said at the WALK THE LINE concert in Goyang that I felt like I needed to become a grown-up. Basically, with that, I was signaling that I could show a different side of myself than I used to. I buried my feelings deep down when I was a trainee, and in the same way, I had a bottled up thirst in a musical sense, too. So perhaps it was me hinting that I’m going to change a bit now? Come to think of it, it sounds a bit cringey for someone who isn’t [a hero like] Jeon Woo-chi. (laughs)

[spirk-trek]

Hey so, it's me. The debbie-downer vaguing you in the spirk tag. I didn't mention you directly because my post wasn't directed at you, although it was made in response to checking some of your posts because I do have Unification in my filtered list (content and tag), so those fanworks? Behind a button, so my choice to look is all my own. (I didn't send the anon, though. That was someone else, sorry to say.) It sucks that that's how tumblr's system works but yay content filtering! Tumblr didn't always have that.

I didn't make that post to start drama, and I'm not the sort to get my kicks by being a contrarian for opposition's sake (like. I'm a Shatner fan. In a lot of online Star Trek spaces, I might as well say I hate K/S or Leonard Nimoy or kick puppies in my spare time, you know?), but I did make it in anger and for that I apologize. I should have waited longer on it to phrase things better or simply have deleted it from my drafts after typing it out. (But it's out there now and I'll live with it.)

I do understand where the joy of connecting the past to the present comes from (as a lot of your posts do with connecting old and new fanworks together), and that a lot of people are celebrating the Unification short as a culmination of 50+ years of K/S despite their initial separation according to the initial story, but for me (personally! I want to stress that. It's just me and my own opinion here), I keep seeing it as a valuing of what a company is finally offering fans rather than the celebration of fans who saw where K/S's story ended at the time, rejected that ending that was offered by the corporation, and made their own ending for K/S, without looking towards any official channels as a guide for their visions. That's what my post was about, where my anger was from, those questions--what becomes lost in fandom if we accept canon from the corporation that holds the copyright? What does it say if we look towards that same canon as being above what fandom has already envisioned? In a fandom as old as Star Trek's, one that laid so much groundwork that we take for granted, to overlook that worries me.

I suppose the biggest issue here is it's too similar, like a reflection in a mirror: on one side, Unification stands as the canonization of what the fandom has envisioned all along. It culminates. On the other, Unification appears as a bone tossed to finally appease fans who have seen K/S from the start and it feels too little, too late. Ironically enough, the short has seemingly managed to divide people, but it's too early to tell how lasting such a division could be.

Hopefully I've cleared the air by this. Unification clearly is not my cup of tea and I'm honestly not trying to ruin anyone's fun (most of my posts have gone untagged for a reason but I forget tumblr still parses for post content to index. Yikes. That post was tagged, though, because it was a snap decision made in anger and I wanted my thoughts to be seen). One could argue the short wasn't even made for me as I've long wondered if I will watch Generations because I've read the summary and didn't like it. But that's the joy of fandom and transformative works. We can look at the story and pick our favorite parts and rewrite the ones we don't like. If we didn't do that, fandom wouldn't exist, or it would but it wouldn't be as much fun.

Sorry for the essay in your inbox and for causing any confusion and hurt. I hope you've had a great day 💛

i'm not going to lie, it does hurt a little. i wasn't going to answer this publicly but i don't have the time today to have a private convo and i don't want you to think i deleted it or ignored it, so here we are.

i don't think unification made spirk any more canon than tmp did. i don't think the short was made with k/s in mind at all, even as a bone to toss starving shippers. star trek at large was never intended as a love story between them, but people have always seen it anyway. 

i'm conflicted about the use of nimoy's likeness too. despite that, i think that they did it as respectfully as they could have and involved the right people. it was a goodbye, not using him for a cheap cameo or advertising purposes (yes i know it was an "ad" like everything is, but it's not like spock holds up a coke at the end). you can disagree with me, and i understand your point of view. that's why i said i understood where that anon was coming from. 

what i see is william shatner and others taking a story that ended in a way that was disrespectful to both characters, one of which he himself has been playing for the majority of his life, and trying to fix that. it doesn't mean there's no corporate greed involved. both can be true. at least they posted it on youtube, they didn't premiere it or put it behind a paywall. it was just eight minutes, and less than a quarter of that had nimoy's face in it. my favorite part of the whole thing was seeing tos kirk meet his future selves. i love that even though they both die out of their times, they find each other in the end. 

i don't want to be an activist or defend or endorse anything, i just... 

those zines i tagged were 1) a poem by della van hise that was so accurate to the short that others were already reblogging it (i posted it weeks ago). i found it super interesting that she wrote a poem about them meeting again in death before tmp/wok even came out, let alone this short. 2) i was gushing about unification in the tags. 3) another poem about being side by side, which again, i found incredibly relevant. the other one i posted was because it went well with the others visually. it has nothing to do with unification other than the fact that spock is laying down. 

this has just made me sad tbh. i'm not angry and i love your analysis/fan work so much, so :( idk, i don't want anything i post to be divisive or disrespectful. i wasn't even worried about that before. i just really needed a win and maybe i clung to that a little too hard :/

[billy-royalton]

okay, before i go on this little tirade, i am going to try and make one thing clear: ao3 stats are not always a measure of whether a fic is Good, Actually or Not. i have read fics with less than 10 kudos that were amazing, and i have read fics with thousands of kudos that were...fine.

but let me tell you what stats are a good measure of: fandom engagement.

and so, with that in mind, i have a tiny little bone to pick with our fandom when it comes to fic.

our kudos to hits ratio is DISMALLY low and i struggle to find an answer as to why that is. we have some amazing writers in our fandom and yes, okay, you know me, i'm the BIGGEST champion of "write what you want because you want to write it and not for any other reason" so believe me that has not changed and i still believe that wholeheartedly. it's just WILD to see a majority of new fics in our fandom are getting a less than 10% kudos to hits ratio. especially when i read them and can see the love and effort the writer poured into it. like, that's just disheartening.

(and here, have some data! as of typing this, the first 20 fics under the cobra kai tag on ao3 have an average of 12 kudos and 263 hits. that's a 4.5% kudos to hits ratio. this is all ships all ratings all tags all works that have been updated as of today. if 10% is the expected average, we are just not hitting it.)

and the crazier thing is that we do so much as a fandom to celebrate creativity (ckhalloween, cksecretsanta, ckreversebang, cktkkffawards -- just to name a few)! it's one of the things i love about participating in this fandom! and sure, we are tiny compared to a lot of others and therefore i temper my expectations accordingly. but damn, we gotta stop reading fics in silence because authors will stop writing and move on to other fandoms where people will actively engage with their work.

february is our last hurrah (karate kid legends i am choosing to ignore you) and we'll probably lose some writers after that simply becaue there won't be any new content. so why not engage with the fandom while we still have fun toys to play with in our sandbox, right?

[interstella-eyes]

WHAT?!?!?!?!?@@?! THE FUCK?!?@,-,!!

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!?!!?!!!!! 100 followers, and that in less than 6 months on tumblr?,.,!?!?!?! Y’all are insane /pos <3

Little doodle to commemorate ^^

[musubiki]

more m34th lime concept + lime being brave with mochi 😳

[robins-treasure]

Happy Mutation Day, Slash!

10 years ago, on this day, the TMNT episode Slash and Destroy aired!

[frecklystars]

I have another gig in a week and I'm so nervous 😭 I get paid hundreds of dollars for only five hours of work, but it is so nerve-racking and the work environment is so stressful, like literally every time I'm there I'm on the verge of tears or I have to take a 2 minute break before the show starts just to run to the restrooms and cry bc I get so stressed out. And then when I clock out I just cry my eyes out in my car while driving home. But hey!!! Hundreds of dollars!!! For five or six hours of my time!!! Only a few days a month!!! Hundreds!!! Of dollars!!! So it would be totally stupid to quit.

I wouldn't have been able to afford pampering myself on my last two F/O anniversaries (and currently placing an order for a rose bouquet for Six's anniversary for the 18th) if I didn't have this second job... but if it didn't pay me such a large amount of money each time, I probably would have quit by now bc it makes me so damn anxious. The show isn't even for one week and I'm sitting here stressing about it! I have one thousand other things to stress about and this job shouldn't be one of 'em 😤

I just keep trying to think about Ken hugging me while saying "Aw, sweet girl, don't be nervous! You JUST started this job, you've only worked three shows -- you think you're gonna be perfect your first try?? You're gonna be so good once you get the hang of it. Just look at me! I've been doing Beach for 62 years now, and I still don't know what my job is supposed to be... but I know I look So Cool™ 😎"

[moeblob]

hiii i dunno if you'll remember me but im the anon who bought pioneers of olive town instead of bg3 bc i was enjoying your fanart of it sooooo muuuuch. and omigosh ITS SO GOOD ive had such fun playing it. i ended up juggling multiple save files because it was so difficult to decide who to marry, the cast is so charming. out of the bachelors, damon and jack i think are my favourites (should i be worried abt my type that theyre both blond...?) but laura and reina are so cute amongst the girls!

YEAH YEAH I REMEMBER YOU YEAH ! I got so scared bc BG3 is such a big game and I was the reason you bought something instead of it and then never heard from you again and I thought my love of silly farming games might have ruined someone's day in the end! I'm so glad you're enjoying it!!! It's so fun and I love the characters and oh man

Jack my beloved. Him and his little puns. Him and his "oh cool a ring" vs "oh my god A GIANT BEAR CARVING!" reactions. I love him so much. Funny lil blonde boy my beloved, truly. (Also Damon is wonderful, let the little guy like cats and have cats like him back challenge failed... but he still looks happy mentioning cats. Truly a mood.)

I am so happy you enjoy the game and Jack (and Reina! SHE IS SO CUTE! all the girls and boys are cute but I really liked Reina's vibes even if she's the opposite of me irl and would wear me out). THANK YOU ANON! For telling me! the follow up!

[thethingything]

I really don't like our brain's ability to jump from "I'm going to organise all this stuff and catch up with a bunch of tasks" to "it's time to get stuck in an increasingly distressing thought spiral for several hours, accidentally trigger yourself, then feel like shit because you haven't done anything but also haven't managed to rest".

like please can we maybe have like a nice middleground where we do a few things and then rest for a while and don't experience the full range of human emotions over the course of about 3 hours

[bxdtime-ceai]

huh

[mechazushi]

If The Core Division Three Members Had Gaming Channels...

Kafka Hibino {A.K.A ComfyManGaming}: Mainly Shop Management Sims or just Sims in general. His most popular series and the one that let him go full time as a content creator was his Power Wash sim Story Time where he got to talk about the craziest things that happened to him in his, like, six different cleaning jobs. ( In order; Landscaper, personal maid service, High rise window washer [tied for origin for most of his craziest stories], Nuclear Power Plant Office janitor, Failed attempt at running his own power wash service, and School Janitor with a car detail side job. {Most recent/longest held job/and also tied for craziest story origin generator with Car Detail Horror stories being second). Can be convinced to play atmospheric games like Journey/Abzu/Fire Watch/Anything thought provoking or emotional.

Reno Ihchikawa{A.K.A IchyChill Breakdowns}: Whatever Windette does, but with less insults. Basically Build Breakdowns and Speedrun Tutorials. Carried with the energy of a tired Indian Math teacher trying to teach calculus to 8th graders. Is also [technically] a PNG tuber, but because he's low energy, the PNG doesn't move much.

Iharu Haruichi {A.K.A SharkBAIT}: Two Channels. One is a horror game channel, Both Indi and Triple A. The other is anything casual, but mainly sticks to Stardew Valley, Animal Crossing, Coral Island, that sort of thing. Fans like to call the Horror one Anxiety and the non-horror one Anti-Anxiety(Each have their own mascots and like to fight each other like Jacksepticeye and Antisepticeye). He has absolutely accidentally cross posted horror vids onto the non horror channel and vice-versa. The community like to pretend that they don't interact with the other channels and when that sort of thing happens, they pretend they've been exposed to horrors beyond comprehension. (yes, even when the horror channel gets a cutesy vid)

Mina Ashiro{ A.K.A Can(n)onGodess/Pr3ttyW1ttl3K1tty}: Also Two channels, but actively makes sure that no one knows she runs both. One is a live stream of FPS set up as no-commentary/with camera (Mainly colorful ones like Valorant). The other is also no commentary with NO camera and its Sim 3 or 4 tips-and-tricks and Minecraft Aesthetic House Build (Mod and No Mod.)

Kikrou Shinomya:{A.K.A Can_It_Doom?} A STEM major that couldn't find a use for her degree as fast as she liked, so she started a Can it Run Doom? channel as a joke, and now it's evolved into a channel where people recommend different setups like Drumset Controler on a Texas TI-84 Graphing Calculator. (Is also currently in the middle of working on a live action Tank Setup for World of Tanks as a subscriber goal.)

Hoshina Soshiro{A.K.A SwordSingerSUPREME} Any game that involves sword fighting and critiques it either Accurately or HARSHLY. Also streams his HEMA training/tournaments. It's very popular (because everyone find him hot) and has since become a bit of an eclectic channel that is split between his Gaming vids, his HEMA vids, and P.O Box unboxing vids where people send him A LOT of gifts. There's also an over an hour video of him playing Let's Hit Each Other With Fake Swords the Card Game with his older brother (who is also in HEMA.) that he made when the channel hit 5 million subscribers.

✨Bonus✨

Gen Narumi{A.K.A xXGenNarumi420Xx}: Plays anything that's currently trending, but his bread and butter is FPS or Run and Guns. (Has confessed to saying "Would" to the Ultrakill Robot.)

Okonogi Konomi{A.K.A BlossomBear}: Indi VTuber that plays exclusively Indi Puzzle games or Puzzle Platformers. Isn't a singing VTuber so much as one that can and will go in-depth on programming and what goes into a VTube model (She made hers and it has two forms : a chibi, curly white haired, anthro bear girl and a white plushi version with orange blossom motifs.) Can and has demonstrated to be an absolute GOD at Minesweeper

Minase{A.K.A MinAction}: A anime/movie/Western Animation reaction channel. Has an uncanny habit of predicting things before they should be obvious.

Hakua{A.K.A HakuaKooksXP} A cooking channel whose shtick is 1000 Ways To Prepare [Insert Food Here.]. She's still currently working her way through rice.

Haruichi Izumo {Goes by his name} Various product review channel.

Aoi Kaguragi {Also goes by his name} A very well made workout channel.

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[cyncerity]

Secret Santa time!! @mcyt-gt-events

My secret santa was @pixiethesizeshifter!! I absolutely fell in love with your second prompt about a borrower’s first Christmas with their human, and you were kind enough to help me with my senior project so I was really excited when I got you as my secret santa and I wanted to make it really good

fun fact i’ve actually become like really attached to this story and I can almost guarantee there will be more content for it later

also it’s like 9k words and very unedited so there is a possibility that I may post this story again in 2 parts once I’ve edited it but for rn here!! I hope you enjoys Crimeboys hurt -> comfort

tw: vore, angst ig but it’s generally very fluffy <3

Tommy had never celebrated Christmas

That’s something that Wilbur has come to learn over the past few hours. Tommy had never had a Christmas. Something that had always been a right of passage for him. Something that had formed his childhood, even if he didn’t celebrate much anymore. His family had never seen the importance of having a giant celebration, or making Wilbur believe in the Santa fantasy, or making him go to church, but it was something he looked forward to every year nonetheless. A day for food, gifts, just a day to forget about all other troubles and focus on family and love.

Tommy had never experienced that.

It made sense, if he thought about it. He’d found the poor boy in a pet store, the same place most other borrowers that were captured went. He had bought adopted Tommy after a…particularly bad break up, just after valentine’s day that February. He was just…lonely. But Tommy wasn’t exactly what he’d wanted, at the time. He was unresponsive to anything Wilbur did to bond with him for a solid month after he was bought, enough that Wilbur went back to the pet store to ask if it was ok to return the young tiny. As much as Wilbur feels guilty about that to this day, without having done that, he probably wouldn’t have grown closer to Tommy like he did.

Orphaned at a young age, Wilbur learned from the store’s cashier that Tommy had been abandoned by his colony along with many other young children and left as bait for approaching tiny hunters so the others could get away. He’d been taken away, locked in a cage, had a hole scarred through his ear for a tracker and tag and only had a third left of his tail after it had been chopped of like he was a designer dog. His family had abandoned him at 5 years old to a place that would treat him more as an animal than a person. The employee said they weren’t surprised at Wilbur’s wanting to return him, since the previous over five dozen people had done the same.

Apparently, no one had been able to properly bond with Tommy, and his month stay at Wilbur’s house had been a record for him. They said they were hoping Tommy would have finally found a home, since he had been in the store for most of his life, being traded back and forth between humans. But, if Wilbur brought Tommy back, he would hit his 10 year stay in the store, and it was policy that he’d then be put down, like any other unwanted pet. If he couldn’t get along with anyone who may want him, then he didn’t have a purpose, so why should they let him live?

Wilbur ran back home, after telling the cashier that he’d changed his mind, which turned out to be the best decision he’d ever made. He started to see Tommy for what he really was; he started treating him less like a disobedient pet and more like a scared, traumatized child.

Tommy miraculously started to open up after that. After Wilbur reassured him time and time and time again that he was safe, that he would be treated like a person, he’d never be abandoned, and that he was, above all else, loved, Tommy began to open up.

Over the past ten-ish months, Tommy had grown so, so much. Hw wasn’t perfect, Wilbur knew that he likely never would be, but that was just fine with him, as long as Tommy was happy. He and Wilbur talked, talked for hours on end about the most mundane or stupid things. Tommy also, as Wilbur soon learned, had quite a sense of humor as well. They’d laugh and joke together, and they played off each other perfectly. Tommy had a sailors mouth to rival Wil’s, and though the tiny was very on edge about using foul language and insults for a while because “pets weren’t supposed to use that kind of language” (Wilbur wanted to punch whoever told him that) even after he started to trust Wilbur, the two of them now traded lighthearted insults back and forth like it was nothing. Tom’s hair was longer and healthier, now that it had been washed and cared for properly. He has better clothes that Wilbur had ordered specially for someone his size, and his eyes were monumentally brighter now that he had felt some kind of familial love. Tommy even trusted him with an...odd bit of borrower information; apparently, they were digestion proof. How Tommy learned that he had no idea, and quite frankly he was too scared to ask. All he knew was that that information tended to come in handy whenever Tom had nightmares or was having an anxiety attack.

And most importantly, somehow, by some miracle, Tommy trusted that Wilbur wouldn’t abandon him. Wilbur had convinced the child that he was different than every other person who’d taken him in, and he was determined to be. He was determined to help make up for the childhood that Tommy had never had, to give him every experience he was robbed of because of that awful store.

So when Tommy had mentioned that every time he was bought he was returned before Christmas, and had spent the holiday in what was essentially a hamster cage, it shattered Wilbur’s heart.

Tommy had never had a day to forget about his troubles, his trauma.

Wilbur was going to fix that.

~~~

Wilbur “went to bed” earlier that night, only slightly confusing Tommy, but the borrower seemed to brush it off. He needed a game plan.

You see, Wilbur had pretty much ignored Christmas after he moved out of his dad’s house. Sure, he got his family gifts and stuff, but he’d spend most of the day holed up in his room with a pizza and whatever shitty christmas movie was playing on tv. That wasn’t gonna work. He needed something better than that. For Tommy.

He wrote out a list of everything he remembered from his childhood Christmases; opening gifts in the morning, baking cookies with his family, playing out in the snow, and drinking his Dad’s hot chocolate. He looked at his calendar; two weeks. Alright, he could do that.

First up was presents. What did Tommy like?

The first thing that came to mind was music. Tommy had been ecstatic when he learned Wilbur played guitar, and loved to listen to him any chance he got. Apparently, constant music was one of the best parts of living in a public store. It had become his escapism while he waited for the next person to come alone and buy him only to bring him back a week later. Despite this, he seemed to dislike a lot of Christmas music. Something about the same 10 songs on loop for two months being the most irritating thing in the world to him. God, and Wilbur thought retail workers had it bad, at least they didn’t have to live with the constant bombardment of shitty Michael Bublé covers. He’d keep that in mind for Christmas.

What could he do with that, though? It’s not like he could get Tommy an instrument, they were all too small. Right? Could he make one? He’d never been very crafty. He wrote it down as a possibility. What else, though?

A disc player? That could work. He could make a disc of all of Tommy’s favorite songs, and buy him a disc player. He thought Tommy would like that.

He wrote it down as he brainstormed some more. Tommy liked gardening, maybe a little indoor garden? He was also pretty active, maybe he could buy something to attach to his walls that Tom could have fun with when Wil wasn’t around to go outside with him (Tommy usually chose to stay inside unless Wilbur went out with him, though he couldn’t really blame him. Tom had always been an indoor borrower, so he didn’t know how to deal with big animals. Wilbur would be scared of finding a squirrel double his size, too). Maybe more things for Tommy’s room wouldn’t be a bad idea: a full, human size bedroom with an occupant barely a few inches tall was bound to feel a bit empty.

Wilbur continued to write ideas until one suddenly struck him; clothes. He should get Tommy more clothes. He had a pretty decent collection of t-shirts and pants, a couple of jackets thrown in there, but one thing that Wilbur realized he was missing was sweaters. Oversized, soft, ugly but comfortable sweaters, a staple of wintertime. Probably because he’d never seen them on sale before. It was hard enough to find anyone that was willing to commission clothes for a figure only a few inches tall, and harder to find someone that would make them comfortable and, y’know, wearable to a person. So what if Wilbur didn’t know how to sew or knit? He could make a few shirts. Probably. Hopefully?

A quick google search told him that was a definite no.

Ok, so maybe he can’t make shirts, but he had a plan. He just needed to call up a friend to help him.

~~

The next morning came quickly. Wilbur peeked into Tommy’s room to find the borrower still fast asleep, thankfully. Wilbur wasn’t planning on being gone too long, but he figured it wouldn’t hurt to leave a note and some breakfast behind anyway letting Tommy know what was up.

With that all taken care of, he locked up his apartment and headed off to his old neighborhood, where his best friend still lived.

God, he missed her. It’s not like they lived all that far from each other, but they rarely saw each other much since they actually started to grow up. He hadn’t even seen her since her engagement party a few months prior, though her fiancé Puffy seemed like a perfect match with her. She still lived in the house she grew up in, Puffy choosing to move in with her, and it happened to just be a few doors down from Wilbur’s old house, which is precisely how they met.

He made it there after only about a half hour after taking a stop to pick her up some chocolates and a gift card as a quick thank you and early Christmas gift, and walked through the snow up to the familiar old and re-painted pink front door, knocking with a smile.

It didn’t take long for her to answer. She opened the door with a matching smile and was hugging Wilbur within seconds, her pink hair the nice strawberry scent that it had been since their childhood, bringing him a sense of deja vu. Wilbur hugged her back.

“Niki!”

~~

Tommy woke up with a yawn, stretching himself out as sunlight beamed through his windows and right into his eyes. Fuck, he should really start sleeping on a part of the bed where that couldn’t happen. Not like he didn’t have enough room, sleeping on a human sized bed. He got up and made the trek off the pillow he slept on in the center of the bed to the small table next to the headboard, only to notice a small cup of blueberries and chopped up strawberries and a note.

‘Hey Tommy! Went to go visit an old friend this morning, should be back before lunch! Love you! -your favorite big brother’

Tommy smiled as he set the note back down, taking a bite of a blueberry. What time was if anyway?

He checked the clock up on his wall; 2:34

Man, did he really sleep in that late? And wasn’t it…past lunchtime already?

He got out of bed quickly, not even bothering to get dressed before he slid off his bed and headed out into the hallway. “Wil? Wilbur?” He shouted, walking from room to room but still seeing no sign of his human. Ok, so maybe he was home alone. Wouldn’t be the first time. And of course Wilbur wasn’t obligated to spend every second of his time with Tommy. But…he said he’d be home. Wilbur wasn’t a liar. Maybe it was just taking him a while to get home. After all, maybe he was stuck in traffic, whatever that actually was. All Tommy knew was that traffic had caused him to get home late before. Plus, Tommy just woke up, he had shit to do today other than wonder where Wil was. Right. He was independent, he was fully capable of being his own person. He didn’t need Wilbur, not right now. He’d be home soon.

But what if he wasn’t?

No, he would be home soon, Tommy repeated to himself over and over, digging his palms into his eyes to stave off the tears he felt well up. He would be home soon. He trusted Wilbur.

~~

Ok, so maybe learning how to sew and knit was harder than Wilbur had thought. Niki had sat him down and taught him basic sewing patterns on a spare fabric sheet, and after stabbing himself for the twentieth time he gave up. Crocheting was surprisingly more fun for him, though. He had made a decently sized blanket for Tommy as a warm up, and he knew the tiny would love it, but he didn’t want to stop there.

As it turns out, having a best friend whose favorite hobby was crafting came in handy when you have a tiny little brother. Niki quickly started to sew some little t-shirts, leggings, and long sleeved tees with a nice, stretchy tech fabric that she had scraps from after seeing that Wilbur simply wasn’t going to pick up a needle again. Wilbur, however, kept crocheting. He managed to make a little beanie on his third attempt, and Puffy even showed up to help him learn how to make a little sweater. And make one he did. Scratch that, he made way more than one. He even made a few scarves, jackets, and even got Niki to sew a little sock for the end of Tommy’s tail since he knew the borrower was self conscious about the scars from where it was amputated.

By the time they were done, Tommy had clothes of all sorts, shapes, textures, and colors, though a lot was red and blue; his little brother’s favorite colors. A few shirts even had little logos and words from Tommy’s favorite shows after Puffy had remembered they owned a Criquet. Wilbur was absolutely beaming with joy once he gathered all the clothes into a box and started to head out.

“Thank you again for helping me, Niki. I really don’t know what I’d do without you sometimes.” Wilbur smiled as he placed the box into his car. “Don’t mention it.” Niki smiled back, giving him one last hug. “Let me know what that kid thinks of them, alright?” Wilbur smiled, though a little less genuinely than before. As much as he trusted Niki, Tommy wasnt human. And though Niki was one of the sweetest people Wilbur had ever met, he didn’t know what she thought of tinies. Of Tommy. He’d tell her eventually, but…not today. For today, she was helping him make tiny clothes because the little boy he’d started babysitting loved dolls. Proper enough lie for the time being. “I’ll be sure to tell you how happy he is when he gets these. Seriously, he’s going to love them. Merry Christmas!” He finished, stepping into his car and turning it on. He watched Niki wave to him as he pulled out, and only then did he notice the sky starting to darken. Fuck. What time was it?

His dashboard read 5:46

Fuck

~~

“Tommy! I’m home!!” Tommy heard yelled from the front entrance as the door slammed open. Immediately his ears perked up. He honest to god felt like he could cry.

Wilbur was here. He was back. He hadn’t left, he was here with Tommy again.

“WIL!!” Tommy screamed as he ran for the front door, seeing Wilbur’s expression brighten as he ran closer. Wil kneeled to the ground with his hands out and let Tommy throw himself into them, barely giving the tiny any time before scooping him up and pressing him to his cheek. “I missed you! I missed you so much, sunshine, I was thinking of you the whole time I was away.” Wilbur said, running a finger up and down Tommy’s back. He knew he fucked up; Tommy hated being left alone for too long. He needed that constant reassurance that he was wanted, and Wilbur couldn’t blame him for that after what he’d gone through. “I didn’t mean to be gone that long,” Wilbur continued, “I was just catching up with someone, and I didn’t realize how long it’d been till the sun started to set.”

“‘S alright. You’re back now, yeah?” Tommy said. Wilbur nodded. “Absolutely. You hungry?” “Fucking starving.” Tommy said, pulling away from Wilbur’s cheek. “You didn’t leave me lunch and I can’t open a fridge, you prick.” “God, you’re so needy.” Wilbur scoffed as he placed Tommy on his shoulder, making his way to the fridge and getting food out for the both of them before settling down on his couch to watch something.

It wasn’t long till he and Tommy had almost fallen asleep, and Wilbur moved to bring Tommy to his room, only for the sleepy borrower to cling to his finger. “Tom you have to go to sleep.” Wilbur said, yawning as Tommy shook his head. “No, fuck you, you left me alone all day you owe me cuddles.” He slurred, half asleep. Wilbur sighed, having seen this coming. “Do I know what you mean by ‘cuddles’ or are you being normal for once?” “Which do you think, bitch?”

Wilbur rolled his eyes and lifted Tommy higher to his face as he moved to sit on the tiny’s bed. To be fair to Tommy, though he as a normal human found this a bit weird, it seemed to help his little brother tremendously when he felt insecure. And he really would do anything for Tommy.

With that thought, he lifted the borrower up to his mouth, immediately feeling Tommy trying to weakly pry his lips open in his groggy state. He laughed softly as he opened his mouth and Tommy almost immediately fell forward, loosing his perch on the lips and tumbling straight onto Wilbur’s tongue. He felt the tiny relax as he slowly closed his mouth, making sure Tommy was fully inside. He felt and heard Tommy giggle as Wilbur licked him, quickly slicking him up and tasting him. Tommy’s weirdly good taste always surprised Wilbur less, even after they’d done this plenty of times. He didn’t know why he tasted good, or if it was only Tommy or every other tiny as well, but he wasn’t too concerned about it.

He felt a weak pat to the top of his mouth and took that as his cue to swallow, given that Tommy probably wanted to go to sleep. He could understand that, he was tired as well. He lifted his head up slightly, gently swallowing and tracing his little brothers descent with one hand. He laid back onto the bed as he felt Tommy enter his stomach, but he panicked a little when he didn’t feel him move around or get himself comfortable or anything. Wilbur propped himself up with one arm and pressed gently onto his midsection with his other, trying to feel if anything was wrong.

“Tommy?” he whispered. “You alright in there?” He sucked in his breath a bit and went quiet, now starting to register the calm, steady breaths from under his skin and the faint sound of snoring. Man, Tommy must have been really tired then. “Goodnight, Toms” Wilbur whispered quieter than before, lying back down. He released the pressure on his belly but still keeping a hand over it, rubbing it gently as sleep hit him as well

~~

Ok. It had taken a week, but all of Tommy’s clothes were wrapped and the smaller-than-average-and-therefore-useable-to-Tommy sized disc player that he ordered had come in, so everything was going well. Sure, he was staying up later to get everything done and make sure Tommy wasn’t catching on and was spending more time in his room hiding anything that could spoil the surprise from his little brother, but he was fine. Phil did it every year for him and Techno, he was fine. He was fine. He just had to get everything else done before Christmas. He could do this.

He just needed a bit more help.

~~

Tommy was fine. Really, he was fine. It’s just that Wilbur had been avoiding him for the last week and he had no fucking idea why. And it’s not even like he hadn’t been home, he just been locked in his room. Every time Tommy went to talk to him, he’d always look to guilty and scared, and he’d say something cryptic, hang out with Tommy for ten minutes, then run back to his room.

Had..had he done something wrong? Was Wilbur mad? Did he just want to be away from Tommy? Was he really that hard to like?

No, no… Wilbur wasn’t like that. He couldn’t let himself think that way. Wilbur cared about him, Wilbur loved him. Tommy couldn’t think of anything he’d done to make Wilbur mad at him, so it all had to be in his own head. Wilbur wanted him, and wanted to be around him.

Tommy heard footsteps.

He turned to the entryway and saw Wilbur zipping up a coat and pulling a beanie over his head, getting ready to leave. Without saying goodbye.

“…Wil?” Tommy asked, and immediately the human’s head snapped towards him, eyes widening in surprise. “Toms!” Wilbur smiled awkwardly. “I, uh..I didn’t know you were out here.” He said, shoving his hands into his pockets and shifting his weight back and forth impatiently. Tommy stared. “Where are you going?” “Just to see someone again. This time of year, man, everyone wants to get together!” He forced out a laugh, but Tommy didn’t budge. Wilbur sighed. “I’ll be back soon, ok? As soon as I can be.” He said, pulling the door open and taking a step out. “I love you.” Tommy didn’t answer as he left and the door closed behind him, the car starting up moments later.

Tommy couldn’t help it. Silent tears fell down his cheeks as he cried, his face frozen and expressionless as he tried to process what he was feeling. The first time Wilbur had left his room of his own volition in days and it was to leave Tommy alone. Again. Wilbur had never acted that way towards Tommy, either. Tommy had never seen him so desperate to leave a conversation.

Maybe he had gotten too used to being cared for constantly. Maybe it was bound to end up like this. Or maybe he was too spoiled. After all, this was still leagues better than he’d ever been treated. Wilbur wasn’t hurting him, or treating him like a lower life form. He was just…giving him less attention.

God, what was wrong with him? Wilbur wasn’t doing anything wrong, it was Tommy, just like it always had been. It was his skewed perception of family and his constant nagging need for attention that drove people away, Wilbur had every right to not like him. To ignore him. To send him back, if he really wanted.

How had Wilbur turned into his everything? He never formed any sort of attachment before. Hell, even in his colony, he was the orphan that no one wanted. Yet somehow Wilbur had made him desperately dependent on a family. On a human, nonetheless. And he loved it. And hated it. He loved Wilbur, his family, and he loved that after all this time he could finally love enough again to the point he could consider someone a brother to him, but he hated that Wilbur held his tiny, fragile, broken and haphazardly glued back together heart in his giant hands.

He hated that part.

~~

The drive to Phil’s had taken a little bit longer than expected, but he wasn’t gonna speed there with ice in the roads. He had been greeted in by his other little brother (technically his twin brother, but Wilbur was born first and he’d never let Techno forget it), who was staying over for the holidays so he could meet with his nerdy book club or something. His father was also beyond excited to see him, despite Wilbur having called to make sure they had time to see him a week before Christmas, it seemed like Phil was surprised he showed up all the same.

“It’s been too long, mate.” Phil said, wrapping his eldest son in a hug. “You never stop by anymore.” “I know, I know, I’m a horrible son.” Wilbur laughed as he leaned out of the hug. “I just really need your help with something.” “What’s up?” “Well, this is going to sound odd, but do you remember on Christmas when Tech and I were kids and we’d all make cookies and you’d make hot chocolate?” Phil laughed, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he smiled. “Of course I do. It was one of your favorite parts of the holidays. What about it?” “Could you give me the recipes?” “How come?”

Wilbur sighed. Phil knew about Tommy, he just…didn’t know exactly what Tommy was to Wilbur. Phil still thought of tinies as pets, which was why they’d still never met, and Wilbur really didn’t have the time to explain how wrong that was. Besides, Phil never seemed to look down on Tommy. He could even temporarily forget what Phil thought of Tommy most of the time, until he said something a little out of pocket that would bring the illusion crashing back down. “It’s just…it’s that borrower I adopted a while ago.” Phil smiled and laughed. “Right, I remember you telling me about it him! How is the little guy?” “He’s well!” Wilbur said, ignoring how using ‘little guy’ to describe a teenager rubbed him the wrong way.

“It’s just, he’s never had a Christmas before. I’m his first real family, and I want him to give him as good a Christmas as I had as a kid.” “Aw, mate, that’s so sweet! Of course I’ll help you! But where’s the fun in just giving you the recipes, hm?” “Whats that supposed to mean?” Wil asked, but Phil was already walking past him, going to the staircase that led to Techno’s room. “Techno! Get down here, we’re making cookies!” “Dad, I really should get home as soon as possible.” Wil argued, looking up at a nearby clock. 12:08. He’d left Tommy alone with no better reason than an awkward excuse at around 11:25 in the morning. He should really try to be home soon. “Don’t worry, Wil, this won’t take long. We haven’t bonded like a family in forever, either. You want to learn how to make these, right?” Wilbur sighed.

He could tell how much this meant to Phil. After all, his father wasn’t wrong. It had been a while since it was just the three of them hanging out together. Techno came down the stairs and Wilbur could tell how happy his brother seemed when he saw Phil pulling out all the cookie ingredients, even if to the untrained eye Techno still looked pretty stoic. He sighed. “Fine, but I can’t stay for more than an hour. I really do need to get home.” Wilbur relented, taking off his coat and throwing it over a kitchen chair. “How do we do this?”

…

It was 8:30. Godammit, how did he even manage to do that?

He’d just gotten so distracted with his family. Sue him, he missed them. Techno was always busy doing..whatever Techno did, usually fencing tournaments, and Wilbur rarely had the time to visit either. He really had missed being around his family.

And he really had meant to just leave as soon as the cookies were done. He’d even written down every ingredient and instruction as they made the cookies so he could go as soon as they were done and he could verify that they were the same they’d been in his childhood. But then Phil saw the list and walked Wilbur through every step in more detail, making sure to add little details like exactly how long an ingredient should be refrigerated before being added to the mix, and specific brands that would make all the difference in the cookies. And he had to admit that it did work. Plus, he still wanted that hot chocolate recipe, so Phil ended up writing all the ins and outs of that as well, along with making 3 cups of it.

Then he almost left but then he remembered Techno had a cd burner in his room and he really wanted to make Tommy something for his cd player. He ended up making multiple cds, some of Tommy’s favorite videos game soundtracks (he debated making one that would just loop The Able Sisters, but decided against it since it would drive him absolutely fucking insane), some of his favorite normal songs, theater music (including a separate disk for the entire Hamilton soundtrack, he didn’t care if that was illegal), and, the one he thought would mean most, a cd of his songs. The songs that he had written, that were mostly just his own voice and a guitar. He wasn’t sure if Tommy knew, but Wilbur always took special note of the songs Tommy liked. He worked the hardest on those, always being sure to ask for Tommy’s input and suggestions, and those were the songs that had the most effort put into them.

Techno and Phil hadn’t heard these songs. It had been so long since Wilbur had played his music for his dad and brother, of course they’d wanted to see what he’d been working on. So, he’d shown them. And he forgot he had a back up guitar at his Dad’s house, so he played them some of the songs he’d been working on. He did tell them that some of the songs were for Tommy, and Techno actually surprised him a bit when after Phil had got up to do something, he held Wilbur up and excused himself to grab something from his room, returning with a small cow keychain.

“What’s that?” Wilbur asked, taking the toy as Technoblade gently tossed it into his hands. “Just a cow. I don’t have much use for it, it came free with one of my online sword orders, so I thought maybe your borrower would like it. He is a kid, right?” Wilbur looked wide eyed and nodded, mindlessly fiddling with the stuffed cow in his hands. Technoblade smiled. “You mentioned it was his first Christmas, figured it would be nice to give him something. Plus, borrowers need ‘stimulus’ or something and I know they’re supposed to have, like, pet toys, but I think every little kid needs a plain old fashioned stuffed animal. I mean, he’s important to you, so he’s important to me, you know?”

Wilbur was actually speechless. Techno was never that outwardly thoughtful, he always had an issue expressing how he cared about people. Even though Wilbur was pretty sure Techno still saw borrowers as pets, he’d gone out of his way for Tommy. This…must have been really important to him. Tommy, who he’d never even met but had heard Wilbur gush about on the phone for hours, was important to him. He took a moment to wipe unshed tears from his eyes as he hugged his brother. “That means more to me than you know. And he’ll love this, genuinely. Funny enough, he has a weird love of cows.” Wilbur felt Techno laugh into his shoulder. “Send me a picture or something of him with it. And Phil and I want to meet the kid someday, remember?” “You will, I promise. Someday.” Wilbur smiled.

And before he knew it it was night, and Tommy had been left alone. Again.

He was a horrible brother, wasn’t he?

~~

He snuck into the house at around 9:10 at night, after the long drive home. He wasn’t sure if Tommy was asleep or not, but he wanted to be quiet all the same just in case. He didn’t see him anywhere at first, but he did notice the light in his room was off.

Wilbur creaked the door more open slightly, and saw a small figure under a blanket in the center of the bed. Ah, so Tommy had gone to bed early. He closed the door back to its neutral position of only slightly open (since Tommy couldn’t reach the doorknob). He had some cd cases to add designs to and wrap.

Had he taken a closer look, he may have noticed the minute shaking from under the blanket, or heard the sniffling of the tiny’s cries.

~~

Christmas Eve.

At least, that’s what all the calendars said. It meant fuck all to Tommy. All he’d ever associated Christmas with was obnoxious songs on the store radio (seriously, fuck those, if he ever had to hear any version of “Last Christmas” again, he’d scream), shiny decorations on the shelves, and parents coming in to buy their children mice or fish as a cheap replacement of the puppy their toddler had said they wanted. He’d been picked up a few times by those parents, thinking he’d be a good fit for their child, but he learned pretty quickly how to avoid being bought by those kinds of people. Parents didn’t want a pet that would curse at and bite their children. The only thing he actually enjoyed was that on Christmas day, the store was closed. No lights, no music, no crusty little kids or asshole employees. Just silence and peace for one day. Still alone, but alone with less of a reminder of where he was, what he was seen as, and how unwanted he’d been for so long.

But he didn’t have to worry about that this year. He’d found his forever home. At least, he hoped he did. He’d never had a reason to doubt that before.

But it had been two weeks. Two. Weeks. And Wilbur wasn’t around as much anymore.

For two weeks he’d been stalking around the house avoiding Tommy, leaving for hours on end and giving some bullshit excuse he made on the spot. Tommy wasn’t stupid. He just didn’t know why. What had he done to push Wilbur away?

Fuck this. Fuck all of this. Wilbur had always pushed Tommy to think for himself, to stand up for himself. He’d told Tommy his treatment at the store had been wrong. He’d told Tommy before that he had a habit of just letting himself be treated poorly. Back in the early days of his and Wil’s relationship, he’d let Wil just push him around. He’d go days without eating if Wil forgot to leave food for him, and he’d let himself be flung around like a ragdoll, content with the bruises. He never cared what happened to him. He’d never been wanted, he always assumed he was just not good enough. He wasn’t worth anything, why should he care about himself when no one else did?

Wilbur changed that. He changed all of it. He loved him. He made Tommy feel like he was worth something, godammit. What was the point of that if Wilbur was just going to throw him away? What kind of cruel, suck joke would it have been if Wilbur cared about him so much for all this time only to forget and abandon him now.

Fuck this. Fuck Wilbur. Fuck him for making Tommy feel like he was worth something, and fuck that he’d taught Tommy how to care about himself.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow, he’d stand up for himself. Tomorrow he’d ask Wilbur…well, he wasn’t sure yet. But he had till tomorrow to think of something to say. Something to verbally sort out how hurt and sad and confused he’d felt.

Tomorrow.

~~

Tomorrow.

God, Wilbur was so excited he could hardly wait.

Tommy had spent most of the day in his room already, but Wilbur had gone in for a minute to drop off his breakfast and lunch just to ensure that Tommy didn’t have to leave. He needed the rest of the apartment empty.

Time to decorate.

He had a few bins of Christmas decorations that he’d bought from the dollar tree over the years, not much, but enough. He had a pretty basic tree, but it was more than enough to put Tommy’s gifts under.

He was proud of himself. Sure, he felt awful about not being home, and he hadn’t slept this little since his high school finals, but he was proud of himself. Tommy would love this.

Along with the clothes, the cow (that Wilbur had removed the bulky clip from), cd player, and cds, Wil had bought a bunch of supplies to make a decently sized parkour park for Tommy’s room and had made a big custom terrarium. Granted, neither of these were finished; the wood for the park was too rough to grab without splinters and the terrarium was mostly just a bunch of connected boxes filled with dirt (and a small buried fish bowl that functioned as as in ground pool to Tommy, Wilbur was pretty proud of that one), but he wanted Tommy to have some part in these things. They’d still be surprises, but after Christmas he’d get to pick how the park was set up and what colors it was, and he’s get to pick out what plants went in the terrarium, though Wilbur had already bought a couple of bigger Bonsai’s and made a small swing to hang from one of them. He knew Tommy would love these. He knew Tommy would love all of it.

He was going to give his little brother the best Christmas ever.

~~

Tommy hadn’t slept much. He was too worried about what to say. What could he say? Should he just wait a bit longer to say anything? Maybe Wilbur was just having a rough time with…something. Tommy wasn’t his only priority, after all.

No, fuck that. It’d been two weeks. If Wilbur really was having a hard time, he’d have said something. He’d have assured Tommy it wasn’t his fault, like he always did. Wilbur always reassured Tommy. Tommy’s well-being was always at the forefront of his mind, and he truly believed that; that’s one of the reasons he grew to trust the man so much. And if Wilbur was having a hard time? Tommy would find out. He just had to talk to him. He just had to suck it up and talk to-

His thoughts were cut off by the door opening more, his head snapping to the entrance as he heard an excited gasp. The lights were flicked on, and there in the doorway was Wilbur; Christmas pjs on, hair a mess, and bags under his eyes. By all means he looked tired, he looked fucking exhausted, but somehow only physically. Tommy took a minute to look at his expression and realized he hadn’t seen his human this happy in weeks, or, hell, ever. Wilbur looked ecstatic.

“Tommy!!” Wilbur yelled rushing forward and scooping the tiny into his hands, holding him against his cheek for a moment before pulling back and holding him at eye level. “Are you excited?” Tommy was speechless. Utterly fucking speechless. This was…now how he expected today to start. “…for what..?” Tommy asked, and that seemed to be just the question Wilbur was looking for. “For Christmas! It’s Christmas, Tommy!” “…yay?” Tommy said, still unsure of what to make of Wilbur’s sudden shift in attitude. But Wilbur just laughed and moved his hand a bit lower, beginning to walk out of the room. “C’mon, there’s something we have to take care of.”

Tommy could’ve sworn his heart stopped in that moment. ‘Please don’t be taking me away,’ he pleaded in his own head, squeezing his eyes shut and clenching his whole body. He felt himself start to shake as he tried not to cry out loud. ‘Please don’t be preparing to pack me away and send me back to that fucking store. I can’t do it. I can’t fucking do it again, not after all this. Not after you. Us. Please, please, don’t abandon me. Please, please, plea-‘ “Tommy?” Wilbur asked, stroking a thumb down Tommy’s back, the familiar gesture helping immensely. Tommy cracked an eye open, turning back to look up at Wilbur. He only focused on Wilbur’s confusion and pity for a moment before something else caught his eye. Lights. Strings of lights lining the ceiling borders around the room. He followed the strands paths and realized they spread out into the next room, the living room, so he turned to see where they led.

He gasped.

A tree stood in the back corner of the room, giant and shiny and glowing. It was gorgeous. The room itself was decked out as well, green, red, silver, and gold tinsel hung off every surface, and christmas patterned blankets lined the couches. A fake fireplace video played on the tv as peaceful jazz renditions of Christmas tunes played quietly in the background. Most shockingly, under the tree, there were stacks of gifts of all varying sizes and wrapping papers, and some were even taller than he was!

“Do you like it?” Tommy turned back, seeing the hope in Wilbur’s eyes. He couldn’t help it. He just burst out crying, burying himself in Wilbur’s chest as soon as his big brother pulled him in closer.

“Woah, woah, Tommy, what is it, are you ok??” “I- I th- I thought-“ Tommy could barely bring himself to speak, his breath hiccuping with every sob. “Shush, shh, sh, it’s ok, Toms, you’re ok. Everything is fine. I’m here for you, ok?” Tommy felt large, gentle fingers down his back, and he fell back into a normal breathing rhythm. This was Wilbur. This was the Wilbur he’d missed. His brother was still here.

“…you did all this for me?” Tommy whispered, not lifting his head from Wilbur’s chest. “Of course! I had to give my little brother the best Christmas ever, of course.” He could hear the pride and excitement in Wilbur’s voice. “Took a bit of work, but I think you’ll love it. You wanna open some presents?” “They’re all for me?!” “Of course!” Wilbur beamed, bringing Tommy closer to the tree and setting him right in front of his presents. Tommy sniffled and wiped his eyes, nodding. “I didn’t get anything for you, though.” “And that’s alright,” Wilbur said, sitting down behind Tommy and leaning down to be closer to his level. “I didn’t expect you to. This is your first proper Christmas. Today is about you.” Wilbur finished, reaching behind the tiny to pick up a smaller present and hand it off to him.

Tommy took it carefully, as if he’d simply break it by holding it. The package was about the size of his torso, and was very light and squishy. The weirdest part of it was the tag, though. From…

“Technoblade..?” Tommy asked aloud, and Wilbur’s smile grew. “My twin. I saw him a few days ago and he wanted you to have this.” Tommy stared up at Wilbur, confused. “Did you tell him to get me something?” “Nope.” Wilbur said, popping the p at the end as Tommy took in what he was saying. Wilbur’s other brother thought of him? He knew the technical rest of his family didn’t really view him as a person, but…Techno had thought of him. And wanted to give him a gift. People didn’t do that for pets, did they?

Tommy began to carefully unwrap the paper around it before Wil told him he could just rip it up. That seemed a lot more fun, so he did, and he found a soft, squishy stuffed cow with little button eyes looking back up at him. Wilbur’s brother…knew his favorite animal? Tommy looked at it for a bit longer. It was a stuffed animal, just like other normal kids had. His size. It was practically made for him. Tommy just sat, taking the time to process it when he noticed a camera on him. He looked up with confusion and Wilbur laughed lightly.

“Techno wanted to know what you thought of it. You like it?” Tommy looked back at it before grinning widely. “Like it? I love it” He yelled, squeezing the cow to his chest. “Look at it, look at it, Wil! It’s amazing! She’s gorgeous. Her name is Henry. I will love her for the rest of time, I have never seen anything so fantastic in my life-“ He heard Wilbur laugh as he continued to rant. He heard a quick whisper of “I think he likes it” from Wilbur before the camera was set down. “Well, what do you say you open some more?”

~~

Wilbur hadn’t been disappointed by Tommy’s reactions to his gifts.

They started with clothes, which Tommy was somewhat skeptical about (probably cause he’d been through his fair share of clothes that Wilbur ordered that didn’t fit), but after learning that Wilbur had recruited his friends to make them specially for him and he’d even learned how to crochet to make some of the clothes himself, he was far more excited to open them. Tommy literally cried when he opened the first sweater Wilbur had made him. Wilbur forgot that Tommy had never owned a warm knitted sweater, apparently Tommy hadn’t even known that clothes could be made that soft. Needless to say he put it on immediately, as Wilbur couldn’t help the pride he felt. He was actually a bit shocked at some of Tommy’s reactions to things, given that he’d been severely confused by the idea of tech fabric and he didn’t know what to do with the scarves at first either. He was very excited to pull out a shirt with the Hamilton logo printed on it, though.

Next up had been the parkour wood, which Tommy hadn’t really understood until Wilbur drew out what he thought it should look like in the tiny’s room. Then Tommy spent the next 30 minutes drawing what he thought it should look like, and it became a collective effort to make it as cool as possible. Tommy also decided that it definitely needed to be painted red and definitely also needed flame decals. Wilbur could agree with that.

The next thing was the garden, and Tommy almost immediately wanted to get in the “pool” section of it, now that he knew he owned swim shorts (Wilbur really needed to get Niki something to thank her for this, she was a saint), but Wilbur convinced him to at least wait until presents where done. He told Tommy that as long as he was really careful, he’d take him to the store to buy whatever plants he wanted for the garden, and he knew that to Tommy, that was a present in itself. Tommy didn’t get to go to public places very often, but he loved it. Tommy literally gasped as he saw the bonsai swing, and started to talk about what he wanted the garden to look like; what plants, maybe small tiling, maybe even little benches. Wilbur just lightly pushed Tommy back and forth and listened.

The last gift he gave Tommy was the cd player and the disks. Those were the most personal to him, and he thought that Tommy would find them the most meaningful. He was soon proved right.

Tommy opened the Hamilton one first, and was ecstatic, his joy only rivaled by the next two, the more personal ones of all his favorite songs and soundtrack music that Wilbur had known. And as if Tommy hadn’t done enough crying today, he cried when he opened the cd of Wilbur’s own music. The songs that Tommy had loved, so Wilbur had made them even better for him. Tommy immediately popped that one into the cd player.

~~

Wilbur’s music continued to play out over the speaker as he and Tommy made cookies on the stove. As much as Wilbur wanted the cookies to be as good as Phil’s, Tommy was impatient as fuck and also a major kitchen menace. He had sit still long enough for Wilbur to properly make a decent bit of hot chocolate, but after that started to cool and he started making cookies, Tommy apparently just…couldn’t sit still any longer. He was a little bit helpful, but he couldn’t really help with most of the ingredients, so he ended up just getting covered in them and had also started using Wilbur as a jungle gym, making him mess up as well.

Wilbur put up with it until Tommy managed to hurl himself into the bowl of cookie dough. The human didn’t feel like taking Tommy all the way over to the sink, so he did what any rational person would do and just stuffed Tommy in his mouth, ignoring the profanities and screeches from the tiny. And if he “forgot” to let Tommy out until the cookies were in the over and the ingredients were put away, it was totally on accident.

By the end of the day, they were both sat on the couch, a mug of hot chocolate being shared between the two of them, watching some awful Christmas movie. Wilbur had tried to put on one of the ones he watched as a kid, but Tommy quickly proved too terrified of stop motion to keep them playing for long. So, they ended up just watching whatever came up on their tv, not that either of them were really paying attention, to caught up with everything that had happened all day. Tommy curled up into the side of Wilbur’s neck, pressed between a turtleneck sweater and warm skin, with Wilbur lifting the hot chocolate up to him to take sips from (coffee stirring straws were a blessing for that), fully content to just lay there forever. Even when Wilbur went to retrieve the cookies from the oven and started to break pieces off for Tommy after they cooled, he stayed right where he was.

“Y’know, Wil…” Tommy said after they had made their way back to the couch, bringing the plate of warm cookies with them. “You had me scared for a bit.” Wilbur hummed in confusion, unable to talk past the cookie in his mouth. Tommy sighed. “You just…I dont even know, really, you just kept…disappearing.” The tiny laughed shallowly. “I know it’s dumb, I know you better than to think you’d ever…yeah. I just…you went out of your way to ignore me. And, I get that now, I know why, I just…never mind, it’s stupid, I know what you were doing I just-“ “It’s not stupid.” Wilbur interrupted, lifting a hand to lay over Tommy. “Don’t ever try and invalidate your feelings like that. I…I know I fucked up. I just got…I got so worked up over making everything perfect for you. I was so focused on how you’d feel today that I ignored how you felt for the last two weeks, I don’t have an excuse for that. I’m so, so sorry, sunshine.”

God, Tommy really wasn’t gonna cry again. He didn’t want to cry this much on his first Christmas. He just felt…so much relief. He could feel an almost physical weight lift off his chest as Wilbur spoke. He had said exactly what Tommy wanted to hear, and he could tell that his big brother had meant every word. “Thank you. For..for apologizing. It’s ok, really, it is, you just know how I get sometimes.” Tommy looked down, and he felt Wilbur tilt his head towards him, squishing him farther into the neck and giving him a sideways hug of sorts. “And..and I know that you didn’t take me in just to have to spend every second with me, you have a life, too, and I don’t want to get in the way of that.”

“And you’re part of my life. I love you, Toms, and I love to be around you. And I will never be offended by your fear that I may leave. That’s a recent trauma for you, no one said you had to get over that quickly. I’ll be here every day to make sure that having a proper, loving home becomes your new normal. I’ve become emotionally dependent on you, gremlin, you will never be able to get rid of me now.” Wilbur said, finishing by pressing his cheek against the boy, who only giggled and leaned farther into it it. “Thanks, Wilby.”

The two of them sat like that the rest of their movie, content to just be in each others company until Wilbur reached down to grab the hot (well, maybe now just warm) chocolate. Wilbur was a bit confused when Tommy took off the big sweater he was wearing, just leaving his tank top underneath, but that quickly turned to confusion when Tommy fell forwards into the mug. Wilbur panicked and quickly brought the cup up higher, seeing Tommy surface from the sweet liquid and start laughing. “Fuck, Tommy, are you ok, what the fuck was that?!” But Tommy only laughed harder. “You ignored me for two weeks, let me have this. Besides, don’t you wanna finish your hot chocolate?”

Wilbur scoffed and brought the cup up higher. “You’re lucky I love you.” Was the only warning Tommy got before Wilbur tipped the mug up and Tommy tumbled out of it with a yell, hot chocolate following behind him as Wilbur swallowed quickly. He felt Tommy squirm down his throat, hitting against the muscles around him but not trying to cause any real damage. Wilbur felt warmth bloom in his core as Tommy finally dropped into the stomach, along with the rest of the warm liquid. Wilbur pressed a hand onto his belly and felt Tommy press back. “You’re not gonna drown in there, are you?” “Nah,” Tommy said as Wilbur felt him flop back into the hot chocolate, making his stomach rumble. “It comes up just above my waist, I’m good. Now don’t move around to much, your stomach making noise shook me enough.” “Oh? You mean like…this!” Wilbur said, standing up only to flip back onto the couch face down, hearing Tommy scream and start laughing, and Wilbur couldn’t help but laugh with him. “Yes like that you bitch!! Get up you’re squishing me!!” Tommy yelled playfully, smacking the muscles around him. Wilbur rolled back over onto his back, breathless from laughing. He felt Tommy start to rub at the muscles around him and went limp, the internal massage making his muscles melt. “Merry Christmas, Wilbur.”

Wilbur could have cried in that moment. He didn’t deserve this kid. This little boy who’d made him happier than he’d been in years, who put faith in him after so many failed attempts at family, who even trusted him to hold his life within him. Maybe later there would be more mishaps, more misunderstandings. Maybe Wilbur would mess up again, and Tommy would start to lose that faith. But Wilbur would do anything for Tommy, and he’d have all the patience in the world for him to heal and grow, and he’d grow with him. They could grow together. But that was all for the future. For now, they’d be busy planting a garden, building a parkour course, playing music, and whatever else they could think to do. Together.

Wilbur smiled and rubbed back at where he felt his little brother.

“Merry Christmas, Tommy.”

[kunikidas-lost-glasses]

I just looked up when the date is when I am finally two years clean from SH and THAT DATE ALREADY WAS!!! IT WAS A BIT MORE THAN TWO WEEKS AGO!! I SWITCHED THE MONTHS UP!!!

I AM OFFICIALLY CLEAN FROM SH SINCE 2 WHOLE YEARS!!!!!