#but still i lowkey feel cursed this year? asdfgh

[sanremengoni]

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[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

Christmas 2k17

- My mother will go to great lengths to ignore or be annoyed by me Caring About The Political World Climate, but she literally got me a copy of 1984 lmao

- Front row tickets to Chicago!! 

- Okay so family dinner. Okay. So this year they decided to start dinner at like, 2:00 in the damn afternoon because my ONE uncle had to be out by 7:00 as he was taking a date to the Eagle’s game tonight and everyone wants him to marry off already so they were being supportive. But. Apparently he’s dating two different girls and the girl he’s taking is not one of them, and also has a boyfriend, so this was all for N O T H I N G

- OmfG my cousin brought his girlfriend and we’ve all met her before but like this was the first Family Holiday Dinner(tm) and it’s so fucking loud and obnoxious with these people and my mom said something to her like ‘are you ready for all this’ and this girl PULLS OUT ONE OF THOSE FUCKING CANNED MARGARITAS and was like “Listen. I’ve got a whole case on me. I’m ready. I’m cruising” I was DEAD

- She also decided I was the Cool And Sane Relative which is...Shocking. An Honor. Revolutionary. Unprecedented. Lmao so she stuck by me all night and gave me mango-ritas or whatever the hell as we lowkey shittalked my theater company it was great

- One cousin turned up in a low-cut glitter shirt matched with leggings covered in pictures of David Bowie in ‘Labyrinth’, another showed up in jeans and T-Rex slippers, and two more were completely adorned in Eagle’s merchandise. Classic.

- All the distant relatives think I’m like 16 lol

- “Oh, YOU WANNA HEAR THE MATT LAUER STORY?? I’LL TELL YOU THE MATT LAUER STORY” - *the entire room groans*

- I got Jenna a fruit infuser water bottle and a necklace and she was like....very hype about it??? Like this is the most genuine emotion I’ve seen out of her in like a year lmao. Either her acting is getting better or she’s finally reaching the stage where she realizes she can be a teenager and a real person at the same time

- “Oh, God, fuck....We’ve already reached Peak Colleen.” 

- Grandmom made the illusive fudge but she only made ONE BATCH and only three people knew where she hid it it was a WAR ZONE

- FIFTY MINUTES TO TAKE THE FAMITLY PHOTO

- “I can’t get it to focus all the way!” “Grif, as long as it’s focused on me it doesn’t matter!”

- EVERYONE literally surrounded a poor baby while her father tried to feed her omfg she was screaming bloody murder and everyone was laughing and finally he’s like ‘You know I think we’d ALL cry if people ganged up on us and made weird noises while we tried to eat’ asdfg

- There was pie on the table but we were refused the knowledge of whether or not it was indeed Drug Dealer Pie(tm), The Return 

- Listen,,,,,due to a now well-publicized picture and some charity work, my one aunt is CONVINCED she, personally, is the Eagle’s good luck charm this year and...it’s the only thing...she knows how to talk about...We get it, your picture made the front page so now they let you go to all the games...please shush...

- I can’t even begin to articulate this to you guys, but like...for MONTHS it’s the only thing we’ve heard about lol

- the eternal argument over the Weird Skeletal Bird Ornament 

- My cousin accidentally dropkicked a baby Jesus statue across the room

- The out of town cousin showed up with his wife and By God, She’s Got Some Opinions About Drugs

- Me: *innocently pours myself a modest glass of wine*

 Sixteen other grown-as relatives in the room: “oooOOOOHHHoooOOOOHHH”

- The kids were gone like all night?? Zack showed up briefly to model a Pikachu onesie but like. Where the fuck were they??? I can’t believe they were really on a trampoline in 20 degrees weather??? lol

- My grandmother usually just secretly slips me 20 bucks like I'm a drug dealer but this year she actually put it in a card??? Actual presentation??? I was Shook

- Meanwhile I chucked a bag of Godiva chocolate at her and said ‘Merry Christmas you’re IMPOSSIBLE to shop for’ lmao

- My aunt nearly stabbed someone for trying to help her with the food

- ADFGH So my aunt and grandmom go shopping sometimes and the argue about everything and one time my aunt came from work so she was in scrubs and while the were arguing in a busy parking lot my grandmom realized her daughter probably looks like her assistant or something so she deadass started yelling ‘OKAY OKAY PLEASE DONT HIT ME AGAIN’ ASDFGH This story was retold like six times throughout the night bc grandmom kept changing aspects of it to make herself in The Right lmao

- “I think Lin Manuel Miranda laid a curse on me”

- Oh my God wait I forgot my upstairs neighbors were getting HIGH ALL NIGHT like you literally could not go in the hallway but when we left today the weed was nearly covered up with the overwhelming scent of French fries and like....we know they’re having happy holidays rn

- All the desserts were disgusting because I apparently can’t trust my family with anything, ever

- *uses lasagna to eat my feelings about Peter Capaldi regenerating* 

- My mom decided she wanted to help clean up but she was overwhelmed by the concept so she circled the house three times before folding exactly one chair and then leaving

- I had to take off my shoes at one point bc my feet literally went numb and like...it was too much of an Issue there’s a dude here in t-rex slippers you can handle my black and gold snowflake socks grandmother 

- My cousin put his girlfriend's car keys in some random persons coat pocket and had to advance on an adventure to find them

- I saw someone crying into a pan of greenbeans 

- anyway I can’t remember much else but!! Not as crazy as usual but still a relatively entertaining night. Merry Christmas guys!!