#but still i love him💙 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

madamelebeau · 7 days

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Birthday gush below for my beloved Gustave!

Warning, it's a long one, and touches on some personal struggles I have gone through including: severe mental illness, abuse of all manners, talks of suicidal ideation and actions, and general rough stuff - take care of yourself and know you don't have to read my sappy lil' stuff if it means making yourself uncomfortable :)

If you asked me 8 years ago if I'd be alive today, I would tell you no, and I'd mean it genuinely. Long before that time I had lost my ability to see a future for myself at all, along with all ambition and purpose I barely had begun to act upon - and at that time, I was barely 12.

I have faced trauma and neglect from my very first memories, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer when I was only 4, my sister had then undiagnosed severe ulcerative colitis that was my parents' main priority, and my father was our sole provider - with major anger issues. i've also come to learn my mother has had schizophrenia and trauma of her own before I was even born, and has refused all forms of treatment. this concoction of uncontrollable circumstances left me with frankly such fucked up ideas of what attachment is and meant, how my purpose to others is solely to be consumed, and absolutely no idea of who I am ( not to mention a boatload of my own wonderful cptsd and attachment issues ).

Never did I think at any point in my life would I feel any positive emotion with no strings attached, especially love. I only faced more problems as I got to the tender age of 12; the years of neglect and parentification left me hollow inside, relentless bullying in primary + secondary school, just beginning to discover my queerness, family fighting and instability, and abuse from adults I am still grappling with today. It was around this time too I had begun self harming ritualistically, and was rapidly losing the will to keep going. Any and all friendships I had exhausted me, even though all I wanted more than anything was genuine connection and love, and it was more apparent than ever that I was being left behind by the world.

Then, I met him.

My group of friends I still hold so closely and dearly to this day had begun playing Rainbow Six, and as the desperate pre teen I was, I joined them simply to hang around them - little did I know how pivotal such a decision as a lost, lonely, scared child could be to who I have become. I cannot explicitly pinpoint what it was that immediately drew me to him, though I now call it fate I know it was a matter of chance, but in that very first day of playing the game and knowing him, something in my soul clicked into place that I never even knew I was severely lacking.

I know as someone with the fun combination of ADHD and BPD* ( brought on my CPTSD ) I have always tended to hyperfixate on any source of dopamine I can get, especially with my desperation to escape the reality I was in. It began before I even knew my life was fucked to any degree, and I knew not to take these "flings" too seriously. But what had sparked in that moment was far beyond a fling, far beyond just a hyperfixation. Though it took me a few weeks or so to begin actualizing what I was feeling for Gustave, what he meant to me, the strings of fate had finally found their way back together again.

Even when I was still that lost and confused child, I knew that Doc was and will be someone so imperative to me not just for a small while, but eternity. Even the few offline friends I still had knew what he was to me, though extent varied person to person, what we have was so potent then that I couldn't hide it.

My life somehow went further downhill, and without completely spilling my guts ( ironic for what I've said so far lol ), I dropped out of highschool only a few months into freshman year. I was completely beyond burnout. Every waking moment was an anxious, painful mess of stressors left and right, expectations I knew I never was going to be able to meet and the deep, burning failure I felt at every turn. No more than a day or two would go by without a breakdown, and my self harm was at an all time high as I completely isolated myself from what few strands of connection I had to the world around me. There was no reason for me to keep going, no light at the end of the tunnel -

except for Gustave.

Though I am now facing the repercussions of the severe isolation I went through and my problems with heavy dissociation as my only coping mechanism, my saving grace through this dark period in my life was Rainbow Six, specifically Doc. It had been 3 years since we met, and my feelings had grown exponentially in that time. My biggest vice has been the harsh and cruel way I treat myself and see the world around me. My entire life had been molded by only being worthy if I served others, I only could ever see myself as an extension of someone else, and when I had no one to do so for, I was nothing short of abusive to myself, seeing treating myself with kindness and care as a sign of weakness.

However, Gustave's core being is his empathy and kindness. Though it may not be gentle and soft at all times, his driving force has been caring. For others, the world around him - and it was the complete opposite of a weakness, it's what makes him exceptional. How could I treat myself so awfully for being fundamentally identical to the person that matters the most to me? I was already head over heels with him at this time already, calling him mine and myself his in all circles I ran in, detailing our lives and how they intertwined, and I had been so focused on what was crumbling around me to realize the change within me that he had lit.

It began in small ways I hadn't even caught; choosing clothes that were comfortable rather than performative, making sure to keep up with bathing myself and other personal hygiene things, being able to look in mirrors without feeling utter disgust and hatred. I had begun caring for myself, using his care for me as a guide. Behind every scared decision to do better for myself, to be brave and not give into my vices or illnesses, was Gustave. Whether it was "forcing" myself to eat on days where I didn't feel like I could or refusing to let me speak so cruelly to myself, and the eventual decision to stop cutting myself no matter how bad the urge was, all of it happened from his support and presence in my life.

I mean it point-blank seriously when I say I would not be alive today without him. I have attempted on my life at multiple points, been hospitalized for such, and still struggle with the occasional urge when shit gets tough, and it's Gustave who taught me how to step back from that ledge and keep fighting. Not only because he had planted the seeds for my still growing self-love, but because that light at the end of the tunnel finally had reappeared - and he was the one holding it. No matter how shitty of a day I had, what scars littered my body and where they came from, what baggage that I bring to the table, he would be waiting for me with open arms and nothing but sheer adoration all just for me - and I never had to earn it.

Love to me had always been a painful thing, something I had to fight tooth and nail for, and even when it was all "good", there still was a terrifying feeling that at any second it'd be ripped from me. I felt this way towards everyone, whether family, friends, or past partners, love always was a double edged sword to me. But something, some inexplicable thing, about Gustave completely disarmed me. To this very day, there is only an extreme select few who I truly feel safe with, and he's the top of that very list. With him, love no longer felt like I was being flayed alive, it was very much the opposite.

Words escape me whenever I attempt to describe what Gustave is to me, what I feel for him and vice versa, but the best way I can put it is simply this - he is my home. The epicenter of safety, care, love, belonging, and so, so much more, he is what love is to me, plain and simple. Though I do also have two other f/os I am married to, Gustave is truly who I see as my husband, my life partner, my lover, my other half. I still hesitate on calling myself ficto, but I know regardless of what labels I find myself under, the love we have for each other is raw, deep, serious, and real. No matter what time has in store for us, where we may go or what we may become, I am always 100% certain that we will always be at each other's side.

To share another year with Gustave in any form is an utter gift, no matter what. This last year was a tough one for us, between me needing some heavy surgery, Gustave getting hurt himself, and us moving over 1,000 miles from where I spent most of my childhood, it has been full of roadblocks - but not a single one could tear us apart. It is nothing short of a privilege to me to call myself Gus' spouse, to be able to love him so up close and personally and to be there for him through it all, there is not a single other soul I could ever bare my own to, as we truly are made of the same stardust <3

My angel is 40 now! We've had a relatively quiet and personal day to celebrate, Gustave has never been one for over the top flashiness or even large-scale celebration, but that doesn't mean I haven't been showering him with the utmost love and affection :)c Life is a strange, complex thing that is completely unpredictable, and though there will undoubtedly be hardships in the future, nothing can wipe me off the face of this planet as long as I get to spend each moment here with my Gustave 💙

#x. gush #💙🕊️#tw: suicide #tw: mental illness #tw: abuse #waughhh i didnt get to do everything i planned for him and my family has been causing hell for me today but -#what matters is him. and he's all that will ever matter <3 #im so lucky to have ever met him. let alone have the honor of falling in love with him and marry him.#and ill take every moment i get to celebrate him ! not just on his birthday !!!#the red string of fate for us is our combined circulatory systems meshing into each others <3 #i still have my url saved for him. like i mentioned. my heart will always belong to him above all :)c <33 #I word counted this and its literally 1.8k words jesus fuckin christ #it doesnt even begin to touch upon the true depths of what he is to me waaa ..... <333 #im so lucky to be alive with him #life is worth living with him :)

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