#but sometimes it feels like these ppl don’t even look comfortable playing a queer person

[royxrizafan]

I think I’ll have to watch the film obz but the chemistry seems off from the trailer 😬

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

[usertoxicyaoi]

Ahh @ the ask about feeling guilty watching bl series and possibly fetishizing gay/queer people. I don’t want to do that. Are you able to share examples on what to avoid doing so I can unlearn them? Thank you, Faiza!! I know that’s asking a lot and sometimes people can be tired of teaching/educating so if you do this, I AM SO GRATEFUL for your time and energy and overall energy and positivity. Thank you thank you!

hiii anon!! this isn't exhaustive bc every lgbt+ person will consume media differently, but ... personally, these have been my experiences and ... idk ... i wouldnt call this advice or pointers, just ... something to ponder over ig:

don't speak up over us - be it belittling or exaggerating.

don't correct us - whether that be in terms of what "bisexuality" is, what label someone is using, what pronouns people use etc. just listen, and respect.

don't feel like you can come out for us in any circumstance.

accept all parts of the lgbt+ community, not cherry pick what suits you or thinking "that can't exist."

learn to understand that sexuality is different for every lgbt+ person, and you can't always apply your interaction with one lgbt+ person to another, bc they may see things differently, so don't invalidate. just pick up and learn.

please stop with the top/bottom, dom/sub, husband/wife thing.

we're not delicate and made of porcelain, that you have to uwu us all the time. like, if someone is telling you their experiences and that it was tough for them, don't uwu it. commend them, properly, with affirmative words. sometimes even a hand on the shoulder speaks more.

please learn to differentiate between actors and their portrayals of lgbt+ characters. don't demand/expect/feel entitled for actors to play up and be their characters, when they are in a situation calling for them to be themselves (this is me heavily looking at fanmeetings and why i cringe at them).

stop demanding fanservice and skinship, its uncomfortable and gross.

if you're unsure, ask a member of the lgbt+ community, or a few. i promise, we'll help.

lgbt+ media is so much more than kissing and sex. why do you think we are so obsessed with the idea of longing, yearning and pining, dreams, of hand-holding, the smaller touches and the lingering, of symbolism? bc heternormativity and homophobia had us suppress and suppress for so long that these things became our emotional comfort of projection. these things are often used as a joke or just seen casually, but there's so much emotional weight placed in it, that str8 ppl dont appreciate bc they've never had to suppress in such a way.

appreciate a character's journey as they explore their sexuality, both the good and the bad. appreciate their story. its all part of that character, that lgbt+ people will find themselves relate to and want to see. str8 girls' needs to see 2 men kiss isn't the priority here.

this is further then even more important when the lgbt+ media you consume is of colour and religion. listen to those people who lgbt+ media of colour and religion is representing - they can inform you on so much about subtext, language, traditions and beliefs and cultural/religious differences, so ask them for insight.

remember that yes, whilst you are completely entitled to watch lgbt+ media, its inherently lgbt+ people that the media is representing, so listen to their views, what they are saying on the nuances - there's some credibility in it, i promise you.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Ramble ahead: We always hear about what a shitty person C*mille is (rightfully so, no abuser's actions should be forgotten) but we (or I) never hear about other women Magnus has dated. I mean, I think his insecurities are always there, it's very difficult to ignore them, but I'm sure he has dated women that weren't transphobic. Some people like to show Magnus as this person who's never been loved, and that's not true. Alec is different, of course, but he isn't the only person who's loved Magnus.

2/2 lmao Idk, I how do you feel about Magnus's insecurities while dating women? (I feel like dating men is a different subject, maybe with different insecurities)

you are absolutely correct! tbh i feel like we dont talk a lot about the women Magnus has dated because (apart from the malec-centrism) we dont really know about any other than Camille? like his named exes are Camille, George, Freddie Mercury, and I think that's it? i know he has girl exes in the books but i dont go by book canon etc etc

but i totally agree with you that it's very frustrating when people act like all of magnus' exes or even most were abusive or bad like. no! of course Magnus has had plenty of good relationships!!!! thats good and important!! hes been loved and hes been happy before, and that doesnt make Alec (or any of them, really) less special. he's had plenty of happy and fulfilling relationships in varying degrees, just like anyone else, and he VALUES these experiences, or else he wouldnt have his memento box. Magnus' exes are a part of his history and they're important okay, and i hate it when ppl try to erase that (altho i do love talking about Camille cuz you know. slut for angst and particularly exploring abuse and post-abuse dynamics. but you get what i mean). honestly it would be terrible if he's never had any good relationships before Alec, because like, thats horrible? and he deserves better? and it puts a kind of imbalance in their relationship where Magnus needs Alec to be loved, and like, no! i don't want that! I don't think Alec himself would want that! their relationship is healthy because every second they spend together is by choice, because they're their own people and theyre complete, okay, they dont need each other, they choose to be with each other because it makes them both happy

anyway, onto your actual question! i think Magnus has dated less women than men because of the simple fact that well, he's queer, and for most of his life he's lived as a queer man in a time where that was dangerous. so it was harder to find a woman he could date and be comfortable with (since a lot of queer women arent gonna be interested in him anyway) than it was a man, you know

but there are and have always been plenty of bi, not to mention straight-trans women (and bi ofc but that already falls under bi women lol), in the queer community, and i think those were his happiest/most fulfilling relationships with women. gnc woc (the mental image of Magnus dating butches is 😩😩😩👌👌👌👌👌👌) in particular, because, well. they get it

hmmm also the mental image of Magnus dating other immortal butch girls with a similar age is *chef's kiss*. especially gnc trans girls, since he's a gnc trans man himself. idk why but i have soft images in my head of Magnus and a girl sitting on top of a roof looking at night, talking about how gender was perceived in the culture/time each of them was born, and laughing at how crazy it is that things have changed so much, you know? making jokes about how it looks like mundanes can't keep their stories straight cuz every time they turn around there's a new rule, and laughing because they just feel so understood. and it's sweet

and Magnus putting his hands around her waist and laying his head on her shoulder and them just being all soft in this safe little space where they get to be fully themselves free of the constant performance that is existing as a queer poc in the world.... effervescent

of course theres been cishet girls as well (i mean Camille herself is implied to be one) and i feel like thats trickier, cuz cishet girls, well. they have a lot of expectations of what being in a relationship should be like, so many unspoken rules. even if they're not transphobic abusers, and they're actively supportive of him and all the facets of his identity, there's like. this kind of standart that they seem to live be. kind of like, well Magnus is a man, ergo, he will be The Man™®©. I think that would be his main insecurity, like, trying to live by these rules and not disappoint them, afraid that if he's not what they expect he'll lose their respect (even the ones who would never). It can get pretty damn tiring tbh, and i think those tend to last less, or just not be as good because theres either that constant gap, or he has to be guiding them through breaching it, and it can get exhausting

i mean of course thats what friends are for, and its not like these feelings arent present when he's with men, especially white and/or cis ones. not to mention the fact that he's a warlock. he's all but bound to have a partner who doesn't understand certain things because there are so many intersections to his identity, but you know. theres a certain dynamic that comes with Cis Straight Girls™, especially white ones, that's hard to shake off

so i think his main insecurities would be in those relationships, especially because you know, the tiredness of this constant game they might not even realize theyre playing because theyre so used to these unspoken rules also gets to him in general, and sometimes he just wants a break, and he feels a bit guilty about it but it's true (and it doesn't mean he isn't happy with them or doesnt love them, thats normal. but welp, monogamous ideals of love plus insecurities make him feel like if he feels tired of certain things, it means that he doesn't love them enough, and that's Bad™. i think that might also be something that comes up - his fear that hes evil and uncapable of loving, like his father said, because hes not loyal enough, even if he's always been painfully loyal. you know?). not to mention the usual drama of coming out as trans, or the immortality/warlock blues, etc

idk I'm not sure if i answered your question, i feel like this answer is all over the place lol but i did like talking about it so i hope that's worth something? and I'm always interested in the many aspects of Magnus' past and history, so :)

[dykedykegooses]

i'm askin u every single even numbered question for the lesbian ask game

at least you didnt bother with the algebra this time, for which i am thankful

Femme or butch?

i’m more femme but i try to act butch sometimes and i just end up failing hopelessly. ‘look mom i know how to put air in a tire!!’ ‘peyton thats like… not even right’ or ‘oh SHIT look at that blitz!! that was cool’ ‘peyton that was a sack’ ‘oh’

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it

not really, mostly just like… humor. if u funny we click

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

why not both?

no but seriously plaid tbh

Describe your style

um yes

converse, (ripped? sometimes) jeans, and whatever top i feel is appropriate for the Big Aesthetic today

Describe your aesthetic

yes

ive tried going more punk but its just kinda , not worked

my physical aesthetic is very adultolescent. i got chub and look like a freshman but ive been told i pass as a college senior so like

my Big Mood aesthetic is yes

Favorite article of clothing?

either my converse or my “”combat boots”” (theyre not and it makes me sound like an edgelord just saying that) (can you tell im gay)

OH WAIT I FORGOT ABOUT MY JEAN JACKET its like baggy and light and ive started sewing patches from my favorite bands on it (super punk right)

Favorite pair of shoes?

^^^

oh my black strappy heels, theyre surprisingly comfortable

Current haircut?

ive got a bleached bob rn

Any haircut goals for the future?

i kinda want a pixie cut bc i cant handle long hair however long hair is so PRETTY and wow

Describe the best date you’ve been on

iiiiiiiiii dont really know. ive been on very few. i have a Perfect Date in mind, and i guess my favorite was my first date with my ex. we had gotten back from a successful science competition (HAVE I MADE IT OBVIOUS IM A NERD YET IM A BIG OL NERD) and it was like midnight by the time we got back and we were both starving so we went to taco bell and just sat there talking and laughing and i know we were pissing off the staff, but we stayed til like two in the morning and we went home and honestly we both considered it a date but we didnt like… tell each other it was a date? if that makes sense? idk honestly im triggered

Describe the worst date you’ve been on

ugh oh god i went on a tinder date and this girl like in the DMs was like ‘hey do u smoke weed’ and im like ‘lol no’ and then like we made plans to meet up at a coffee shop and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed and im like……………. no and shes like ‘oh right lol’ well THIS BITCH sleeps through the time we were supposed to meet, completely stands me up, and then texts me back like an hour later and was like ‘omg im sorry i overslept!!!’ and it was like….. noon but ok so we meet up after my class and we just sit there really awkwardly trying to make conversation and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed im like ‘honey no i dont’ and we just talked about drugs for a while and when i left because i had to gtfo she like gave me an awkward hug and like i sent a text later that night bc im courteous and im like ‘hey i had a great time today’ (i didnt) ‘lmk if you ever want to meet up again!!’ and she just. ignored me lol.

Single? Taken?

im currently in a polyamorous relationship with myself and my anxiety

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

:)

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife?

someone who’s able to make me laugh and deal with my bad ideas and will let me cook for her and wants to travel the world with me

Describe your dream wedding

its small. outside. maybe in a field or in front of a lake. i dont personally want a big ballgown, just a short white dress will do. lavenders everywhere. R A I N B O W  C A K E. reception where we slow dance to all the sappy romance songs. its great.

Do you want kids?

not really, but ive considered being a foster parent. i feel like im here to do good; i don’t want to have my own biological children, and im not sure i want to have the permanent responsibility of adopting a kid, but i feel i could handle fostering once we’re financially stable and have the room to accept children into our home.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

spain, definitely. somewhere in the north. i want to have a small farm with goats and chickens and vegetables and i want to be away from this american mess.

Favorite lesbian movie?

well ysee…………. the only two explicitly lesbian movies ive seen have been ‘all about E’ and ‘blue is the warmest color’ and i didnt like either of the lmfaoooo i prefer watching lesbian television shows tbqh (or, most commonly, just rewriting all the female characters in my head to be sapphic sooooooo dont @ me)

Favorite lesbian novel/story?

i mean same as above, i dont read as much as i like to. however, i did read “georgia peaches and other forbidden fruit” and that was Really Good and i did read another that was slightly better, but i forget the name but it was about a pakistani (?) girl who was struggling to come out to her parents bc they were very traditionalist but she joins the theater and her like really elite school and the girl she had a crush on basically outs her and is a bitch about it and GOD i wish i could remember it because it was really good

Favorite lesbian song?

ummmmmmmmmmmm i just recently listened to ‘honey’ by kehlani and that was pretty good and pretty gay, but my personal favorite is ‘girls’ by beatrice eli bc holy shit what a Mood

Favorite lesbian musician?

i love mary lambert and beatrice eli.

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any?

ummmmm now that im thinking of them i cant think of any. i used to play softball and soccer? i love cats. i immediately start planning out the next five years of our lives together anytime im remotely interested in a girl?

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i mean………………. no

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that?

well bake cookies w me and lets go for a walk & go out and watch the stars at night in the bed of a truck

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

I LOVE LOVING GIRLS!!!!!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT BEING A LESBIAN!!!!!! GIRLS ARE FANTASTIC!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person?

why not both

idk ive never had a cat but i know i lov them

Turn ons?

i.......... dont know

yes

im gay

Turn offs?

long nails youch theyre pretty to look at but i mean at what price

not having anything to talk about

putting yourself down like a lot (i went on a date w this one girl and that was all she did like the entire date like......... im sorry ? :(???)

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

if im being honest i would love for someone to ask me out but since that is Very Unlikely, i tend to be the one to message first and initiate dates and stuff

What is your dream career?

i want to be a psychological researcher in the field of social comparative psychology how sick is that!!!!! just play with dogs all day and record whether or not they boop their noses on a screen

also i wanna be a farmer and a bookstore owner but thats Farther down the line like , when im 50

Talk about your interests or hobbies!

im honestly such a psych nerd i love psychology what the fuck!! its so interesting like ppl are weird man idk brains are weird

im also having a really big green day phase like billie .. he so smol... and also anyone who wants to bash warning or the trilogy can fight me ok those are like My Favorite Albums

im going to a concert in february to see declan mckenna, a Giant Meme

im getting a tattoo w some lyrics of declan’s actually its gonna be sick

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have?

yes

idk for me its being able to have quick, witty, skillful jokes i just love listening to girls talk and tell stories and jokes like wow im gay

also long curly hair? thats always a Solid Look

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

i mean. do we really wanna open this can of worms rn

too late, its open

i get those microcrushes where you like see a girl and youre like ‘WOW IM GAY DATE ME’ however once it comes to actually being in a relationship i throw my full weight behind it and worry that im being too suffocating or that im pushing my boundaries etc and ive been told that makes me come off really cold and uncaring so lol choose ur own adventure, you decide

Ever fallen for your best-friend?

unfortunately

Ever fallen for a straight girl?

can you even call yourself a lesbian if you havent

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?)

i havent seen it, im such a fake lesbian

Favorite comfort food?

mac n cheese

or pizza

or cheesy potatos

OR CHEESY TOAST

scientific conclusion: im a fatass

Coffee or tea?

coffer

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

im vegetarian!! have been on and off for like two years now

Do you have any pets?

i have one pup sittin right next to me and shes the prettiest girl in the world

Early-riser or night-owl?

yes

idk i get up at like 9 which is early for me but not as early as like. 5. so

more like night-owl. thanks teenage hormones!

What is your sign?

pisces

Can you drive?

yes

can i drive well?

no

but i do have a sense of direction so thats cool

Who was your first lesbian crush?

tbh.................... my best friend, but i didnt realize it was a crush at the time

the first Gay Crush i had that i knew was a crush was on my close friend at the time, now my ex girlfriend

At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

uhhhhhhhhhh lesbian specifically, like 15-16. queer, i knew in like fall semester freshman year (so like 13??)

At what age did you come out (if you have)?

i mean, i come out to people all the time. first time i came out explicitly as a lesbian was when i was like 15 or 16 (actually i came out to a close straight friend and my ex and they both said ‘congrats’ like it was weird but very nice) and the first time i came out as queer/questioning was to my then-best friend at like 13 and i came out to my mom (involuntarily) at like 17? ish?

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

yes im crushing on every girl simultaneously at all times

just kidding

(not really)

i dont really have any explicit crushes that i can think of im just really gay

Talk about how your day went

it was fine. got free froyo so that was cool. found out i made an A on my bio practical, so that was cool too. however, i wore a crop top and it was like 55 degrees out and raining so i looked like a total Idiot but yk follow ur slutty gay dreams amiright ladies

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

most of mine are career-centric, but a few are personal.

i wanna go to costa rica in may, i wanna go to yale over the summer, i wanna go to NYC pride in june, i wanna go to spain after i graduate, i wanna go to grad school, i wanna be a psychological researcher, i wanna move to spain or england or hell even france, i wanna have my own farm with the woman i love, i wanna own an LGBT bookstore/library, i wanna just live a quiet life near the sea and not have to worry so much after a while.

Least favorite gay celebrity?

this is a weird one to end on, but iiiiiiim not sure i have one? i can tell you ellen page is probably my favorite, but i cant think of many i dislike so