#but simply learns to live with it
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im a simple guy! i think about puppy Barnaby. i promptly explode into bloody heart-shaped confetti
#just a little guy learning to be tall... hard work#now if yall will excuse me im gonna shove my head into boiling water#that oughta fix me#pls enjoy the additional scribbles of his Attempts#they were too important in my mind not to include#godddddd i love himmmmmmm just a little guyyyyyy#i gotta puzzle out how to draw ms beagle#ive never drawn a chicken! much less a chicken puppet!#wait no sorry that was a fucking lie#i have drawn like. 2 chickens previously In My Life. i think... i could be wrong!#ive never claimed to have a working or reliable memory <3#scribble garnish#welcome home#welcome home puppet show#barnaby b beagle#hes just so small and sweet and immmmmm IMMMMMMM#unwell. simply unwell yes yes#there's no saving me! leave me for the vultures! allow me to live up to my url!#puppy barnaby already makes me feel as though my ribcage has been cracked open#might as well let the scavengers have a Taste. im sure im delicious!
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Speaking of fans going to unhinged lengths to show their appreciation for a beloved character (or celebrity)...
I really shouldn’t be one to talk.
A few years ago, there used to be this YouTuber by the name of Tony Leggett, who did palm readings on celebrities.
I think that at a certain point K-pop fans caught wind of him, because after a while all he received were requests to do K-pop idols’ palm readings.
As you probably already guessed, I was one of those fans. And like the unhinged person I was, I had sent him a request to do my bias’ reading, thinking I’d send it to them afterwards.
I won’t tell you how this story ends, but know that I think about the OP who paid for Toni’s birthday message with fondness.
Just when I thought I had seen everything, the fandom decides to prove me wrong.
#the older I get#the more I understand that one does not grow out of their cringe#but simply learns to live with it#as for what happened to Tony’s videos#they all got deleted or privated#nowadays you can only find the reuploads on YouTube#I hope he’ll return someday#my entries
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What a lot of people don't understand about navigating the "real world" as a neurodivergent person is that we were told all the rules of society growing up that we naturally followed, only to find out later just how often neurotypical people are either breaking those rules or operating off completely unwritten ones to get themselves ahead and that somehow ND's are the "dumbasses" for not realizing that these unwritten rules and rule-breaking is the "norm" despite that norm going against all the rules and values that were drilled into us from birth that we were expected and predisposed to follow.
#just two cents from a neurodivergent trying to live in a neurotypical's world#it's been a harrowing experience learning just how much i was taught to navigate the real world isn't done in practice at ALL#the majority of hollywood is built on nepotism#many successful “gurus” within their respective industries are complete shams who either failed upwards or broke the “rules” to get there#many of these industries are simply built on socializing and knowing people rather than actual skill or capabilities#it's like the adult equivalent of “lmao you really BELIEVED that lie i just told you that you took in good faith??? you're so gullible!!!”
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#i hope that none of these have already been done!#love & dot's one is literally how their fight went lol#if i remember correctly both love & dot are good at magic linguistics (or whatever is this subject called btw what are they learning there)#but thanks to some jpn artist on twt I'm obsessed with wirth love & shuen's dynamic where love & shuen annoy the living shit out of wirth#so when i saw that meme i was like 'it's literally them' and i had to do it#as for the rival one: both lance & dot consider mash their rival so i just went with it 👉🏻👈🏻 shippers feel free to make urself#comfortable under this post even though I'm not gonna tag all the ships simply because I'm not sure what they're called 😭#are they just mixes between names or?? i mainly see shippers using emojis but I'm not sure ;-;#so I'm sorry if this post contains ships you dislike and they're not tagged properly :(#anyway: enjoy!#mashle#mashle: magic and muscles#mash burnedead#dot barrett#lance crown#lemon irvine#finn ames#rayne ames#max land#carpaccio luo yang#ryoh grantz#love cute#wirth madl#shuen getsuku#abel walker
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ok everybody saying dan fucks is conrad’s dad you do you but for ME personally the fix will always be conrad’s dad because dan gives cool uncle vibes 1000000% percent more than the fix ever will. but we will both live our truth and we will both be happy 🤝
#because let’s be honest the fix is NOT gonna let conrad live in an alley guys#in my heart the fix adopted conrad and conrad is one of those kids going ‘did you know’ because he learned it from the fix!!!!!#and once again dan fucks is conrad’s dad truthers good for you#but i really don’t think dan would make a great dad LMAO he berates conrad a little too much even if it’s affectionate#i simply cannot hear the fix going ‘i think it’s time to unlearn that lesson’ and saying he’s just conrad’s UNCLE#i do wish alex got to say what conrad got to do though :(#but yeah for me the fix adopted conrad and he went from being a tiny miserable kid living on the streets#to being in a loving family with siblings and a support system <3#and justin of course!!!!!!!!#dimension 20#mentopolis#mentopolis spoilers#conrad schintz#the fix#dan fucks#d20 mentopolis#man i love all of these characters#this season was PEAK
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Actually, I hope Jiaoqiu stays blind (at least for a couple years in our time) and just bullies the Xianzhou alliance into inventing disability aids and treating disabled people better
#hsr#honkai star rail#hsr spoilers#jiaoqiu#i want to make it very clear that this is not a Jiaoqiu hate post#i am simply a disabled gal (chronic pain + shit eyesight + neurodivergent) who wants more disabled characters in the game#and with blindness in particular- that rant from the sanctus medicus lady really stuck with me#as did the treatment of the kid#and curing blindness irl is absolutely something that would be great and i think its fine to explore in game too#but its frustrating to watch the game act like thats the only way blind people can live their lives without constant suffering#especially in such a futuristic setting#like if you got space travel i think you can also make cains and railings and audio messages and braille#and I'm just hoping thats an intentional flaw of the xianzhou and not just writers ableism leaking through#with hsr's recent track record of disabled characters though i am learning towards believing its probably the former#I'm just saying that if mail delivering robots are a regular thing i dont see why other forms of robot assistants couldn't
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out of curiosity, would you consider yourself butch?
used to be a blonde underweight twink and now I'm a based jock still got the chanel bag and the sick albeit matured mind of a suckpig to prove it so I'm gonna let you decide whether you wanna call me that word just cuz I got a pussy and short hair. I promise you that there have been enough advancements made in the art of lesbian sexual dynamics in the past 50 years to broaden the vocabulary used to describe the plethora of types of masculine females.
#being called butch just reminds me of how much males have the freedom to navigate between male archetypes and how people pay attention to#the distinguishing features of these varying masculinities#but when a female is seen as masculine it all gets lumped under the “butch” category#her masculinity is seen as unnatural and therefore incapable of being considered genuine or taken at face value as it is with males.#its always brought into question instead of taken in consideration with the rest of the woman's life and experiences and her particularities#Hence... Butch is still being treated as though its a huge lesbian cultural phenomena instead of a specific niche thing#also i dont mean to invite the “you dont pass!!” anons again bc that idiot is missing my point entirely (which is that im truly not trying)#but the fact is that for the past 3 years i have found myself increasingly navigating the male social world#and discovering what it means to me as a female to have access to the ability to take my “masculinity” for granted... relax#forget about it#etc#i think thats entirely antithetical to the Butch thing which seems to rest on the tension of other peoples expectations of her#people broadly are more surprised to find out that im interested in women just as much as they're surprised that im a gym queen iykwim...#ive worked hard for this and now that ive gotten the Woman Social Role thing pretty much entirely out of the way i am living the dream#i think a large part of that is learning as a dyke to appropriate the language of gay men theres a reason their terminology had#staying power even when their scene was *literally* dying meanwhile all that seemed to survive from dyke spaces was butch n femme ??#its because theirs didnt necessitate the building and maintenance of a scene in order for the subculture to hold its head above water#their labels *largely* weren't predicated on their relationships to gender roles and its telling that for dykes it was#their labels rested on the need to simply show up anonymous n be able to easily flag whether they were looking to fuck or be fucked#alongside the set of circumstances under which they would be fucking or getting fucked or what have you#it all comes back to the restrictions of female social blah blah blah and i think the sooner we collectively set down what we see as our#responsibility as lesbians and as feminists to Be A Woman the sooner we can step outside of that#n start thinking clearly about our individual circumstances and the necessity of putting on your own oxygen mask first before helping others
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s2 episode 7 thoughts
hmm. hmm. that is the sound if me pondering what i just watched.
(i understand that this episode was an analysis into mulder's self-destructive behaviors when faced with overwhelming grief, but. that does not mean i enjoyed vampire hookup time)
well. we shall start from the top!
i read that it was an episode about vampires which i thought was a weird narrative choice because. hello. scully still gone??? but then i remembered that i too ignored the main quest in skyrim to hunt some vampires and that i had no place to judge
(granted, my main quest wasn't finding scully though. might have given that a bit more priority than saving the whole world. because she IS my whole world)
we open with a guy that looks like joe biden meeting with an attractive young woman. they're making out in a hot tub and we just know someone is gonna get slurped upon. and woe, it be upon us! double vampire attack.
back in DC, mulder gets his old office back! it's covered in plastic. he takes some of it off. he adjusts his calendar from may to november, so we see how much time he and scully had been assigned to other tasks, which also has me wondering how she managed to get a new house that quick.
(also, this calendar is... scantily clad women posing next to tools such as hammers and saws. was this allowed? was this acceptable? was it normal? were the 90's a lawless wasteland and mulder an irreparable freak?)
well. scully is an x file now, and he puts her glasses and id into an evidence bag and closes the filing cabinet which was sooooo evil. but he can't bring himself to put her necklace away. oh man. oh he's gotta have it in case he finds her. he has to hold her close. i'm Fine this is Fine.
so. he goes out to california to deal with the joe biden looking fellow being murdered. and he is not wanted on the crime scene. we know this because someone greets him by saying "nobody called the bureau" and he says "well, they should have" and lifts up the tape to let himself in. because one thing about him is that he's gonna let himself into a place he isn't wanted.
he sees the writing of a bible verse in blood on the wall and says something about their grasp of biblical knowledge being "feeble and literal" and i was like okayyy need to have a theological discussion with him
he then scares the other guy who originally wanted to kick him out by reciting a LARGE amount of facts related to similar cases and it's very much giving photographic memory. got me thinking, have we ever seen this man forget something? (directions don't count. they're confusing. but everything else sticks in that man's brain)
he just needs one thing: a phone book. which he uses to call a blood bank and ask about a new guy. who must be the vampire who did this!
so he rolls up to the blood bank and i'm over here struggling because i do Not Do Blood, and i knew at this point this was gonna be a tough watch, but i didn't anticipate the non-blood related reasons why this would be true
anyway he's sniffing around the blood bank and he hears some slurping and wouldn't you know, this dude is tearing into a bag of the red stuff like it's a capri sun. somehow he gets him into custody, where the dude refuses to talk because the lights are on, and mulder comes in with a lamp he put a red filter over, because he was prepared for vampire interrogation.
the vampire is going on about how what he did isn't murder because it's not like animals hunting prey is murder which is. not the greatest approach in terms of legal defense. mulder tells the guard that the guy is delusional and it's best to play along, and he believed this to be true... until he, quite literally, burned to a crisp in the sunlight. and died.
he's talking to the coroner and rattling off a bunch of vampire facts and says he didn't believe in vampires which is so funny to me because like. why is that where you draw the line, my friend. not at bigfoot and definitely not at aliens. but man. vampires are just too out there for spooky mulder. until now!
the coroner has a very funny line: "you are really upsetting me... on several levels" which seems to be the general effect fox mulder has on people. and also because i felt the same way about his dumbass actions during this episode.
coroner finds a stamp on the dead body's hand, which seems to come from a nightclub. so naturally our fbi agent ends up there.
you often see posts saying that "(insert character here) should be at the club". i fear that this is not the case for fox mulder, but it's possible that it's his suit and tie that are throwing me off. he just doesn't seem like he belongs there. i ask myself, where should he be instead? perhaps some sort of star wars convention would suit him better. a book signing with some author he likes. idk, an interior decorating festival. not here.
i shall use my verbatim words to walk you through the next scene:
"pause. he's talking to a woman who was looking into a compact without a mirror. so. vampire suspect. and now why are they getting so close together. and getting a drink. okay now they're leaving to a new spot together? AFTER she admits to vampirism"
(here she did some stuff that required me to look away from my screen due to my Weak Constitution. but also it would have felt necessary to look away anyway because it was getting... charged)
she tries to get him to... suck on her finger... but he won't do it because aids. which is fair. i think that's a smart move, actually. it's just that getting flirty with a vampire he knows was involved with a ton of killings was such a stupid move, i don't know why it's now the braincells start to kick in.
that kills the vibe, though, so she gets another guy to take his place and things escalate.
mulder pulls in at a restaurant called ra. nice! the sun god! and he is... through a window, witnessing some more slurping action. he seems to want to intervene and save this poor soul being feasted upon...
but the poor soul is no poor soul at all! he comes out and decks mulder, and delivers this line with stunning conviction: "i don't know who you are, freak, but we're two consenting adults" and with this, he is forced to flee.
and yeah. it made me laugh. my expectations for the genre were subverted. he signed up for that shit! what he did not sign up for, however, was the next part, where he was killed by the other vampires.
cut to investigating the crime scene. mulder has brought along a forensic dentist, which is a job i had no idea you could go into. he needs to see about those bites, which are very human.
next they go to vampire woman's house. it's a very nice place. mulder... opens her oven. and sees a loaf of bread in there. and i'm thinking, man, i hope this doesn't go where i think it's going. baked goods... ovens... i never want a vampire pregnancy arc. but he cracks open the loaf and something red spills out and somehow, this to him means that she is gone and isn't coming back. he can read the signs of the bread. so add that to his resume. what did the bread tell you, my liege?
he seems to have stayed in her house, however, because he's there when she's back, and says he knows she was using the bread as a charm to ward off evil. because apparently that's an eastern european thing, blood bread to warn off evil. sound off if any eastern europeans in the chat wanna confirm or deny.
anyway. he's IN this woman he thinks is a vampire's HOUSE? what the hell. mulder seriously i need you to stop and think. like you should have stopped and done some thinking a while ago. honestly i'm not mad i'm just disappointed. and he's like "i want to save you come with me before they kill you" ohhh big tough man needs to save her huh. make him feel good inside. huh. certainly no ulterior motive here...
she's monologing about her horrible childhood and how sweet blood tastes. um girl. don't lie to him like that. i have busted my lip open before that stuff does NOT taste sweet and dangerous. it's like a penny with rust that you found in a parking lot.
it seems her vampiric origin story, if to be believed, is that things simply got too kinky. which is a new take on the genre.
(it's also about being caught in an abusive relationship and the damage that inflicts, but it seems abusive boyfriend came into vampirism at his kinky parties and things escalated from there. which. well. it blew the eyebrows clean off my head, to be fair)
at this point we see that he is WEARING SCULLY'S NECKLACE? he says something like "it's from someone i lost" and she says that she "hopes he finds her"
i did not like the undertones here and certainly not the overtones. because i knew where this was going. he was shaving in her bathroom. and let me tell you something: there is only ever a shaving scene in media because the writer needs a way to get some blood out of someone's body and into the real world. and man. i knew it was coming.
but what i didn't see coming was her SHAVING HIM??? girl. i am uncomfy. and she does, of course, cut him, and then they kiss. aggressively. terribly aggressively. can anyone answer what was going on in a satisfactory manner?
but the gag is: the original vampire- who burnt to a crisp in the jail cell, and was the abusive ex she spoke of- HE'S WATCHING THEM THROUGH THE WINDOW!
he breaks in and taunts the vampire woman about how he had to "wait for her to finish" and i was like cool. thank you SO much for that mental image i'm super happy with it. i definitely don't feel like i need a shower. but then he's going on about how he can't be killed.
here, at the tail end of the episode, we learn the rules of vampirism in this world: a vampire cannot be killed by a non-vampire. and a non-vampire BECOMES a vampire by consuming the blood of a believer and also taking a life. it is only here we realize that this woman is not an actual vampire yet, she just appropriates their culture by drinking blood unnecessarily.
mulder's still sleeping in her bed and she's like "you need to leave" and she stabs the wall to make her evil ex think she's killing him. but when they go to break out, mulder ties him up quite handily and he gets in the car to escape with vampire woman. until ANOTHER vampire woman jumps on the hood of their car. and main vampire woman knocks her out for a bit by running into her with said car, which is super effective.
mulder's leaving the place in shambles, his shirt still unbuttoned, wandering down the side of the hill. back at the house, now that we know the vampire rules, main vampire woman says she can finally kill the evil vampire ex. and he's like how!! you haven't had the blood of a believer or taken a life. so. she licks the blood off her hands (unclear if it's hers or mulders tbh) and says she'll take her own life. and drops a match after pouring gasoline.
so. that brings that to an end. and shabby looking mulder sits on a hill as he learns all four in the house died.
the episode ends with him playing with scully's necklace. which i don't even sort of feel like unpacking right now but maybe another time.
probably not, though, because i just didn't like this episode. and yeah, a lot of it comes down to me not wanting to see mulder hook up with people who aren't scully. can you blame me? is it so wrong to have preferences in this world?
but also, narrative wise- do you honestly see the guy fucking off to cali while scully's still missing to deal with an unrelated problem instead of devoting every hour of his life to finding her, like we saw him do in the last episode? you expect me to think he just puts it off for a lil while? the guy who, just last episode, pulled his gun on the ski lift operator to get to the top where she might be a little faster, and then choked his one and only suspect out of fury? you're thinking this is the guy that's gonna go soak up some west coast rays?
and yeah, he was obviously not himself through the episode- very cold and analytical- but c'mon. we all want to bang a vampire. he's not special. i just personally wouldn't do that if my friend were gone. like how is that gonna help the situation. be so for real. time and place!
and also the whole only learning the rules of being a vampire about 5 minutes before they need it to be plot relevant. that annoyed me too.
overall, mulder, like i said, i'm not mad, just disappointed.
let me know what you thought on this episode- i try to not be a hater, but i also understand that hating in small doses can be good for the soul. if it's a widely beloathed episode i'll feel better in my judgement as i join a long tradition of haters who have come before me.
#i think i shall choose to ignore this episode going forward#sometimes he is so violently a Man it's shocking.#like the sexy tool calendar? i cannot keep defending him. throwing tomatoes as we speak. they're splattering his shirt.#man if i was missing and i learned my friend hooked up with a vampire to distract from the sorrow i'd be pissed as hell#i'd be all#and how did that help the situation. did it lead you to find me. why weren't you LOOKING for me.#is this vampire more important to you? is she gonna take my place? answer your 3 am calls and stand up for you against workplace bullying?#and you WORE my NECKLACE? the one my MOTHER GAVE ME? as a birthday present when i was 15? when you FUCKED HER?#THE HOLY CROSS MY CATHOLIC MOM GAVE ME? you wore it while i was MIA? inside a VAMPIRE?#oh i would never let that GO! if i were scully i would simply never let him live that down. it would be awkward asf between us for a bit#sighs. maybe i'm too petty. maybe i hold a grudge too deeply. all things that have been said about me before!#scully baby if ur reading this i would NEVER engage in any sort of recreational activity until i found u again okay? don't settle for less#juni's x files liveblog#txf#the x files
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He laid at the brink of death once more, staring at the face of despair. He remembered the path that led him to this purgatory, and with a smile could only ask:
"Shall we be friends?"
#ffxiv#digital art#concept#zenos yae galvus#endsinger#endwalker spoilers#adventurer zenos#eurydice#is just the tag im going to use for the post endwalker endsinger stuff I'll draw#alisaie lives in zenos' head rent free-#but for a man with no fear i find the potential idea of him reaching out to a weakened endsinger both sweet and kinda funny#“oh hey she was right- im not alone here- lets see if I can actually do better” <- the beginning of adventurer zenos#part of Adventurer!Zenos motivation is finding examples of happiness he sees and finds himself to tell her whenever he visits the ultimatum#the eternal question: did he adopt the bird or did the bird adopt him#Also thus begins Zenos having to dig through his own recollection on how to help people- i.e emulating the WoL lol#and endsinger having to deal with reading his mind only to probably get very random thoughts/static and only occasionally something helpful#she very quickly learns that nihility bounces off this man like a ball#he is simply immune
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Something i really appreciate is how open you are about Keeping The Bitchyness At Bay because its helped me realize people who are dicks choose to be dicks and its not worth my time or energy to let myself deal with or stick around people who choose to be horrible
indeed! people who treat you badly choose to treat you badly. there's no sense in waiting around for them to feel bad about it if they're not committed to growth. both "this is just how i am, take it or leave it" and "i'm doomed to be like this always because i have a personality disorder/anxiety/bipolar/etc" are unacceptable.
#i'm glad it helps! i am repressing so much bitchiness all the time.#you just have to be nice to people. like i know it sucks when you have a personality disorder i'm like basically a sociopath.#but you simply have to. it's the cost of Living In A Human Body.#you don't have to like it and it does not have to be easy! but you do have to make an effort to learn.#i'm so sorry that you have to have a body.... etc....#replies
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praying that the atla fandom gets tons of content in 2026 from the adult gaang movie to last them another decade so that this practice of taking screenshots from blogs that they dislike and sticking it in the tags (and subjecting the rest of us to these godawful meta/fanfics/fanart/etc that we otherwise would have never seen) can finally end.
#guys can you just block the person and move on with your lives#sometimes a fanfic is so out there that you simply have to ignore it#the people you’re complaining about will either not care or will continue to make more content like this#and they’re definitely not going to see ur post criticizing it#all you’re doing is subjecting harmless people who already disagree with the portrayal to the following#please learn to stop consuming content you disagree with#your fandom experience will be so much better
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often when something's on my mind when I'm sleeping I'll feel like I'm thinking about it for real except my sleeping brain is supplying the information so multiple times throughout the night I half woke up and my brain went "harris won" and I went "thank god" and then went back to sleep so waking up and checking the news was a horrible shock
#this sounds like i'm just describing what a dream is but it's more specifically that i'm aware i'm sleeping#whilst also convinced i am thinking rationally about something and unaware the facts i'm thinking about have come from dreams not real life#so it felt So real that harris won. like i had to remind myself i couldn't possibly know that for sure without checking#only to learn it was simply wishful thinking ���#i am so sorry to all of you who have to live with this 🫂#talking
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I have an encyclopedic knowledge of both Taylor Swift the artist and Taylor Swift the celebrity. I have different feelings for both. I don’t actually know Taylor Swift the person, at least definitely not in full. I want to discuss her with practically no people but especially not haters or people just getting into her who don’t know what they’re talking about. Frankly.
#as you can imagine this makes life complicated#like. don’t be bringing me your 2024 catch-up knowledge of her Wikipedia controversy page#when I have been a fan since 2009. and lived through every single thing you’re talking about#I actually don’t even mean this in a gatekeeping way#it’s just#we simply cannot meet on common ground. the imbalance in our knowledge bases is way too extreme#and Taylor is not simple!#or a simple topic#this is about one of my students who keeps trying to talk Taylor with me#but not as a fan. as someone trying to learn all the lore backwards#and also critique the celebrity culture of it all#and it’s just like girl you LITERALLY can’t do it. you’re not equipped#(I don’t say that. I redirect the conversation kindly aksksksk)#but like.#PLEASE.
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Goodnight to everyone except Gabriel.
Gabriel, who comments on almost every single issue of "Rogue & Gambit" on readallcomics, talking about how this ship "Killed Remy", how shitty it is, how much he hates Rogue as a character, calling her the writer's "Feminist agenda", founding most of his points in blatant bigotry.
Again, talking about how much he hates Romy... WHILE READING A ROMY SERIES!!!!!
Oh! And then also commenting on Rogue's solo series, on how Rogue "Doesn't have what it takes to be a main character and always has to bounce off of another"
Pick a fucking struggle dude I hope both sides of your pillow are warm tonight and that your sleeves roll down while you wash your hands.
#what happened to live and let live#like yeah dude I get ome of your points but no need to be rude about it#like if you don't like Rogue as a character... SIMPLY DON'T READ SHIT SHE'S IN LIKE WOW SO HARD#also#instead of blatantly saying “I hate this character because xyz”#let's try applying the basic media literacy you learned in school and properly analyze a character before commenting#its not that hard#x men#romy#remy lebeau#gambit#rogue#anna marie lebeau#good night to everyone except
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I hope we can hear md news soon because holy God, I can't stand the exposeds and dramas that this fanbase decides to do on a daily basis
I can't stand seeing unsupervised children on the internet wanting to act like heroes of the day, please shut up and start talking about the show again😭😭😭
#murder drones#glitch productions#saly rambles#mdtwt is horrible#everyone likes to point fingers at each other instead of solving things normally#this makes the community an unhealthy place to live#and also some people should learn to just forget or ignore things (especially when they are not a big problem)#Not to mention the people who consider others to be the antichrist simply because they made a mistake or said something they didn't like.#It's like all these problems would be solved if people weren't stupid and decided to chat in DM or calmly correct/teach people#sometimes I feel strange for thinking like this...
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lads it is mostly my fault (was sick, didn't tell healthcare until it was Dire, was sentenced to bed rest for the rest of my time at camp) that I literally can't say goodbye to these 100+ people I've come to love properly before I leave. I'm not permitted to participate in any singing, dancing, communal joy, any event that's remotely fun (that's nearly word for word what they said) here at camp. and I'm leaving EARLY, am still miserably sick, and have a four hour commute back home on top of that, because there's no one available to drive. literally cried my eyes out over everything just now and am This Close to crying my eyes out againnnnn
#not to list my woes again but today was Pretty Bad#the horrors: learned that one of the girls I'm working with is the cousin of the boy whom I was so torn up over last year (lol)#received a message from the second boy I was torn up over in the spring saying: do you want to live together? (LOL)#and was hit with the two-by-four of reality today about my own Delusions and such repeatedly over the head. over and over and over LOLLLL !#HOWEVER. the joys: tea. Bible reading time. lots of prayer. laughed a lot with my coworkers.#confided in a friend whom i know can hold secrets close. listened to another friend's voice message on loop. the rain made it not too hot.#i know joy cometh in the metaphorical morning but i wanted joy to come in the form of dancing and singing and worshipping together#and being able to tell each and every person goodbye properly and with the gravity and love they each deserve#i simply!!!!! cannae take this!!!!!! and yet I WILL :'))))))))) bear it with grace#(THAT'S dramatic)#sighhhh anyhow i'm currently mentally digging a little grave for the third disappointment in love i've experienced#since breaking up with my ex boyfriend. the ground is hard my hands are tired and the earth won't budge but i WILL dig that grave#and leave that little ill-formed ill-judged ill-managed love in it#dang i'm tired in all senses of the word!#and YET. there is still a part of me that is light and buoyant and determined to make the most of things#it is so hard to be miserable when the anneish part of you never dies.........sigh#healing girl era summer '24
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