#but shes Not shes human and craves intimacy and love....even from the wrong people

[prideprejudce]

the tragedy of alicent and rhaenyra giving their hearts (and bodies) to incredibly violent (and misogynistic) men while craving normal human comfort and affection (that they once had from each other) but it never measuring up to their past lives together and instead leaving them feeling hollow and alone

[pridepages]

Intimacy

I finished Infinity Alchemist by Kacen Callender. I have thoughts...

Here there be spoilers!

People crave closeness.

We can pretend all we want that we're just fine alone, but some part of us is always calling, reaching out, yearning to clasp hold...

So why is it so incredibly fucking hard?

How is it that we spend so much of our lives trying and getting it wrong?

Maybe it's because intimacy is alchemy.

Books have a way of getting in our heads, and that's what happened when I read Kacen Callendar's Infinity Alchemist. It felt like the right way to start the school year, considering "the original spark of Infinity Alchemist was rejection...specifically, the rejection of trans people by another author who wrote about a magic school."

Okay, sign me up. I'm here for trans magicians, or as we call them, alchemists. Ash Woods, our transman protagonist, is out to prove his credentials in a world that gatekeeps magic.

He crosses paths with nonbinary icon Ramsay Thorne, an alchemic prodigy with a dark past. Ramsay agrees to illegally teach Ash alchemy in exchange for help on a quest: to find the fabled book of the source and thereby restore the Thorne line's good name.

If Ash is the courage, and Ramsay the brains, all we're missing is the heart. Enter Callum Kendrick, the military brat with a heart of gold. Together, they'll save the world...and fall in love with each other.

Yes, all three of them.

I'm not going to spend anymore time on the plot. Boy meets companions, grows into his powers, achieves grand destiny...I've seen it all before. What really got my brain spinning was the polyamory.

Look, I'll be the first to admit that's not usually my thing. I just didn't get it. I couldn't really understand how three people could share their hearts, their bodies, their trust in ways that left no one wanting and everyone enough.

But, then, I've struggled to share my heart with one person.

I've been away for a while. And part of that was getting caught up in meeting someone new. Someone I wanted to share the parts of myself I've kept behind glass. So I gave my heart away in little pieces, hoping she would treasure them...

It took me a while to figure out I wasn't getting anything back.

Every time I'd try to get closer, I got pushed away. At first, I accepted that. Because boundaries need to be respected. Because I figured she just needed more time...

More time didn't solve anything. And when dared to ask for more than crumbs of affection, I watched her brush all the little pieces of my heart off her hands. All my insecurities were thrown in my face. My feelings, my concerns, they weren't listened to.

“Do You often make a habit of telling people what they think and how they feel?”

When Ramsay called Ash out, I had to stop. Put the book down.

Because I got it.

This is what I'd missed.

For so long, I thought intimacy meant sharing my body, my trust, and my time. While they are all parts of it, they're not enough. They need one last alchemical spark--

Intimacy needs connection.

Ash figures this out reflecting on a lackluster sexual encounter: “he still had emotions and thoughts that were his own, separate from his friend’s—and in a way, that was what made the experience even more uncomfortable and unsatisfying.” The key is the distance, the separation. “Though Ash and Tobin had shared a bed and touched each other’s bodies, Ash had still closed himself off emotionally. He still hadn’t felt safe enough to be vulnerable.”

But vulnerability is terrifying. The word itself means making yourself weak.

In the real world, we don't have magic to bypass human limitations. Ash and Ramsay are able to commune on a spiritual level. Unable to edit, they cannot hide behind pretense or omission. They cannot fumble words or misunderstand. They see each other's memories, dreams, hopes, fears, and ambitions. They experience each other firsthand.

Without the ability to see into someone else's heart and mind, we have to take the risk. And what if you choose the wrong person?

Maybe that's part of why monogamy is so persistent.

I'm not trying to downplay the social forces of economics, religion, etc in creating and forwarding the narrative of One True Love. But as society has evolved, monogamy has become less and less necessary.

So why is polyamory still so rare?

Well, what if it's because making yourself vulnerable to one person is scary and the idea of being that open to more?

Terrifying.

But what if we stopped thinking of it as weakness?

“It isn’t as if we should only feel attraction and love for one person,” Callum points out. “I’ve never understood it, this expectation that people should only love one other at a time…Energy is infinite, and love is energy, so love has the potential to be infinite, too.”

In a world where most people have more than one partner over a lifetime, we've already debunked the idea that love is limited to one. So why not more than one at once? Love is not just infinite--it's multidirectional.

Look, I'm not saying it's for everyone.

But if you're willing to leave your heart wide open--

Well, you never know how much room you have until you start letting people in.

[femme-energy]

Because I don't have many memories of healthy emotional behavior or relationships I feel totally at sea dealing with these things. When I get let down, it just reinforces my belief that the world is full of bad people who won't be kind -- like my parents.

I read a quote that said, "the sea no longer torments me; the self I wished to be is the self I am." and I aspire to be that way.

To have BPD is not something I wish upon anyone, to constantly believe that you won't ever experience love the way you want or believe that you're unlovable is hard. Feeling abandoned and rejected is all I know. Sometimes I try to make myself believe I am worthy of love, but it's hard to really believe that when I get into relationships with people who don't understand me, despite my efforts to use coping and grounding skills.

Relationships are a trigger for me because all I've know is unhealthy relationships. I was not allowed as a child to feel emotions without being punished, not once did anyone ever ask what was wrong, when I had been hurting. It was always you're a bad child. I was exposed to my parents toxic and abusive relationship and I had normalized that. Got divorced when I was 6, but continued to live together, fight, live in separate homes, to love each other and the cycle would repeat. It's all I knew and it affected my relationships as an adult. I would self sabotage a majority of my relationships without realizing I was doing it. I got into several fucked up relationships in my 20's. One of them was an abusive guy who beat me, threatened me, stalked me and I had to get a restraining order that's still currently active, I'm now 31. I still live in fear and paranoia that he will find me. In my mid 20's I was in my second toxic relationship that had led to an abortion I don't think I wanted. A decision that had been taken away from me. After the abortion, I was expected to be the cool girlfriend as if nothing had happened. They never checked on me to see how I was doing and that's when my first episode arouse. That was the year I had been diagnosed with BPD.

I was abused by my uncles at the age of 6 until I was maybe 12-13 years old. I didn't know any better and let it happen. Shame on them for abusing me and for taking advantage of a child. I still have flashbacks of those moments and it makes intimacy hard for me. I don't like being touched unless I'm the one to initiate it. Sometimes I'm afraid to say no to sex in fear that my partners will leave me or will be mad at me so I put myself through it even if it means i sacrifice my mental health. For the longest time, I believed men only wanted me for my body and not me as a person. Even when I felt comfortable saying no, a part of me is still scared they'll leave. Sex really is hard for me. Most of the time I don't have an active libido because I'm scared and uncomfortable with myself.

I'm scared of men and believe they will hurt me. I find myself constantly crossing the streets like a zig-zag to avoid men. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, I live in paranoia. For a long time I believed that all men are trash and now believe it's not all men.. I never feel safe, but still crave love. I'm sick.

I was bullied as a child until even now as an adult. Bullied from my peers and by my own mother, who once said, she wished she never had me, wished she aborted me. It's hard for me to trust people and let them in. I try my best to give people a chance, but they constantly let me down.

Trying to establish relationships, whether platonic or romantic can be hard and discouraging. When I have an episode, it's not something that I am intentionally doing. I am learning now to manage and control it, but it's discouraging when people have this perception of you, judge your character and speak poorly of you. I'm just a human being trying to mange my emotions and beliefs. I apologize for being triggered by things I am working so hard on overcoming. Sometimes I believe I'm a terrible person but deep down inside I'm awesome. I want people to give me a chance like I do with others. Why can't anyone ever give me the benefit of the doubt? In result of that, I find it hard to make friends.

Back to relationships:

Not only did I have a terrible relationship with my mother. I had a fucked up/twisted relationship with my father. My father was my pride and enjoy and my first love even though he constantly let me down. I have a vivid memory of him -- I was sitting on his lap and he said to me that my older half sister was his favorite daughter. Always bragged and boasted of his precious first daughter and only carried a photo of her in his wallet. I have two sisters and not once did I ever hear he loved all three of us. My father would buy my older sister anything she wanted, but when I asked, it was always no, or get a job (even at the age of 6). Even though my father felt all the love in the world for my older sister, I still chose to buy his love. I would buy him his favorite things just to get him to love me. It didn't matter that my father physically abused me. I still wanted him to love me. He never showed up my high school graduation because he decided to go to work. He just never showed up for me. In fact, he would criticize me for my weight as a growing girl and would compare me to my mother. It led to an eating disorder and body dysmorphia. He died when I was 18, two months before my 19th birthday and I was responsible to figure out funeral and wake details. I had to speak with folks from the organ donor donation to make decisions about his viable organs. I had to pick out his casket, had to pick out the cemetery and funeral home. He died while I was at home in the shower and I hadn't been talking to him. I felt a lot of guilt and still struggle with it. We didn't shower at home for a couple of months because my sister and mom were scared to go in there. I had to be the big sister, eldest daughter and make the push to shower at home for some normalcy. I was afraid, but if I didn't do it, who would?

The year after my father died, my mom started dating again, and I never had an issue with her dating, it was just fast and she was shady about it. She lied to my younger sister and I about her relationship and she never told us why. The man she decided to date was a man who already knew of the Callejas last name. He used to be in a relationship with my father's brother's ex-wife. I thought it was weird and creepy. Something about that guy rubbed me the wrong way. My cousins would warn me about that guy and what he had done, it was disturbing. He was terrible to my sister and I and despite communicating this to my mother, she ignored us and chose him. She kicked my 14/15 year old sister out of the house to live with my uncle and she had kicked me out at 20/21. I had to live in my car and figure my life out. Fast forward a couple of years, I decided to go back home and I regretted it. She was still with that man and he made my life a living hell. He would speak poorly of me and I would defend myself because my mother wasn't going to do it. She wasn't going to tell him to stop treating me like shit. She always chose him. When I was diagnosed with BPD back in 2018/2019 I learned that I resented my parents. My mom had always called me a piece of shit my whole life, I can remember her calling me a piece of shit at the age of 6. Despite how my parents treated me, I wanted to work through that because my mom was the only parent I had left and I didn't want to live a life knowing I didn't speak to her. So I worked really hard in therapy to have the uncomfortable conversation. I knew I had to walk on egg shells with her and had to remind her that she provided for me and my sister, but as soon as I mentioned that my parents failed me emotionally and mentally, she lost it and only heard "I'm a bad parent" despite reminding her otherwise. Even after that conversation, I tried to have a relationship with her and I couldn't take it anymore. I decided that no contact is what's best and it works but it still hurts.

The relationships I have with my sisters are just as complicated.

My parents always taught me to be the bigger person in situations and to always apologize even if I was not in the wrong. This has negatively impacted me, always letting things go, moving forward without getting the opportunity to process the situation/emotions. It's kind of like there's this invisible scale and you're letting it pile up, and after awhile those things you put in the back burner slowly start creep up again and then out of nowhere something minor or major comes up and boom you're now in crisis mode. What could've been preventable in most situations turned out to be this whole drama production of me having an episode. Goes back to feeling unheard or taken seriously, or trying to understand the severity of things. Now, I'm not saying you can't be the bigger person because there are scenarios where you should be, but this is about things that are affecting my mental health that are just being put to the side. It's like the whole abortion situation, I had to move on and be a cool girlfriend, act like nothing happened, and let it eat up inside to the point I lose it and now I'm a terrible person. Please.

Relationships pt. 3

After being diagnosed with BPD in 2018/2019 I swore off relationships because I wanted to heal. It was important for me to heal and I had a male friend who is now my partner who I would speak to. At the time, I didn't see him as anything more than just a friend. During the time of healing, I had learned to manage my BDP and decided that I would pursue my male friend, now partner. I had always said that my next relationship would be with someone I had been friends with for awhile and we had been friends for about 4 years. I also knew around 2020 that I had feelings for him, but again, I had sworn off relationships. Eventually, I pursued and what I thought was going to be the most awesome relationship, turned out to be chaotic. A lot of things had negatively transpired. I was dealing with people in his life who treated me like absolute shit and he didn't defend me. I felt like I was reliving trauma from my previous relationships, more so, the ones from my parents who also never defended me. After a year of crying and begging, I had a breaking point and yes I could've left, but fear of abandonment. I also believe that he is my person and knew that we could through these obstacles and we did, but other things would come up. During my healing, I had learned to communicate better, to advocate for myself but it felt as though my efforts were not being heard or taken seriously and so we would fight. It was a cycle that kept repeating and I felt really lonely in the relationship but still believe(d) they were my person. I believe(d) that I could get through to them. I believe(d) that I am worthy of love and that I should give this a shot, but to what extent? Do I drive my crazy? Do I unlearn everything that I had worked so hard for? Eventually I did and went back to my ways of rage, depression, impulsivity. I couldn't do it anymore. I felt like despite my efforts of using the new skills I had learned, it bit me in the ass and it truly made me feel unworthy. I had worked so hard to love myself and to advocate for myself that within the chaos I had lost all of it. It reminded that I suck, and that I am a terrible person, and constantly asked, "what's the point?" It eventually led me to the hospital.

I've always felt misunderstood., rejected, lonely and empty. I live in paranoia, flight or fight mode, constantly feel threatened. I've wanted to take my life several times, but could never get myself to do it. I now realize that it's not that I want to die, but I don't want to exist.

On 8/20/24 I had volunteered myself at the McLean, the #1 hospital in the country for behavioral health. I was there for 10-11 days. My life was different within those 4 walls, I felt seen, understood, was in a trauma unit with 10 other women who were also dealing with the same issues and I felt cared for. I made friends and also cried, got mad, but gave myself grace and knew that I could overcome these traumas and manage my impulsivity, mood swings, self-sabotage, explosive rage, disassociation, feeling of emptiness, just to name a few. I don't want to feel these emotions. I don't want to have major depressive disorder, anxiety, chronic ptsd and bpd. I don't want to rely on medication. It's exhausting.

I want to so desperately heal my inner child. I want to feel heard, I want to feel seen and I want to be loved. I want someone to choose me and love me unconditionally. It's always been me taking care of me. I want someone to take care of me. I want someone to take care of me in the way my parents were supposed to. I want my inner child to be healed. I want to laugh and be happy.

[gothic-galene]

A letter from your future spouse

☆ 🖇️ 𖥻 ＜꒱             PAID SERVICES

Pile 1  

Dear Y/N,

Even if you don't believe in anything, I believe in you. I think you should continue thinking about where you should continue growing from here. I don't know you yet but I believe that you are out there, I'm writing this letter to you because as humans, we experience the highest highs and the lowest lows and I really hope that you are okay but if I'm honest, I'm writing this letter to provide myself with comfort, I just want to feel capable enough to be home to someone. I'm impatient, I wish to meet you right now but I'm lost with no direction. I go forward and live everyday as if I'm fine but as cheesy as it sounds your absence constricts my heart. I want to laugh and smile as if I don't miss you, as if I don't feel the emptiness without you. I silently call out for you on the loneliest of my nights, do you hear my heart? With every person I meet, I hope to find you but always find myself at the face of disappointment in the end. If you recognise me before I do, don't think about anything and please just hold my hand. You're still a dream due to which I sleep a lot. I'll be better only if I know that you exist and miss me even half as much as I do, that we'll meet someday. Will you even love me if we meet though? What's so loveable about me anyway? I'm sorry, this is not usually me, I'm just very pessimistic right now, I think the emotions and thoughts I buried deep down are coming to the surface because I'm desperate, I'm going to burst into flames if I don't get to hold you in my arms right now.

"Lately all I feel is bad and bruised, tired of tripping on my shoes but when she loves me, I feel like I'm floating. When she calls me 'pretty' I feel like somebody. Even when we fade eventually to nothing, you will always be my favorite form of loving." (This describes your person's feelings towards you especially right now and also during your relationship.)

Pile 2

Dear Y/N,

You feel so faraway, like the stars. I come from a family who's profession is to love, I can feel that you want this love right now, it aches my heart to think about you not feeling loved. Right now, I need you to try to understand yourself, face your deepest fears and the parts of yourself that you've picked up from people who have hurt you and did you wrong. Forgive your mother/father figure, it's not easy but I hope you still keep some distance from them. You need to connect to your inner child, you know... Nothing is more bitter than watching yourself lose the happiness that your dreams provide, little by little. I'll love you so much, you have no clue. I'm sure you're somewhere out there. So many things happened, you can't just forget them but I want you to heal yourself as much as you can. Do things that you really love, like listen to your favourite songs, dance, paint, go out with friends, watch movies but please take care of yourself, until I meet you, I'll wait, I'll work on my growth too.

Some of you have family issues and not only that but also friendship and relationship wounds, your person's higher self wants you to heal for yourself.

Falling in love - cigarettes after sex

Pile 3

Dear Y/N,

I believe it was love, destiny conspired against us though. I crave intimacy but what's between us scared me. It's difficult for me to move on if I keep on worrying about you. You know me better than I do, so why didn't you stop me back then? It was still destined for us to meet, looking at you brightened by days, now, I'm lost. I was happy only because of you. You even enter my dreams as if I don't miss you enough already. I'm sorry if what I'm writing isn't making any sense, I'm in a my sentiments right now. You taught me how to love myself, seeing you cry over me was hard for me too, forget me please, I can't look at you even when you're hurt or sick, you gotta take care of yourself. I'll have to remember you for longer than I knew you, how did you manage to do that to me in such a short amount of time? Do you actually care about me? I'm a disaster, why are you addicted to your own pain? Longing over me is going to hurt you. I can't bring myself to hurt you anymore but staying away from you seems to be hurting you enough, am I just thinking too much though or do you actually remember me the way I remember you? I don't know about that but what you're easily the only person who I feel so softly towards. I'm trying to find you in everyone else, it hurts. I'll be fine though, you too, don't wet your pillow over me, we were supposed to teach each other lessons, we've both been learning, goodbye, my love.

I'm getting a love that wasn't destined to last managing to change because of your feelings for each other. There's a chance that you have already met this person, choose another pile though, your future doesn't seem set in stone yet. I'm getting another person coming through for you too. This might be a letter from your fs to your future self too though.

I'm also getting 'hotel del luna' and 'while we were sleeping' vibes when it comes to the trope. You might relate to the female lead (Man wol) of hotel del luna. I'm feeling so emotional and having sudden mood swings while channeling right now. You both want each other to forget the other but at the same time want to be remembered? I'm not sure how to explain.

"Love is like that, it's hard for me."

Another day - Monday Kiz, Punch

It's you - Henry

[theshoesofatiredman]

So I was watching ContraPoints' latest video essay, The Hunger, in which she constructs a fictional recording of a podcast -- The Freedom Pod -- with vapid host Jackie Jackson largely sitting back and watching her two guests, Justine Tableau (leftist influencer & author) and Virginia Lamm (senior pastor of Hope Truth Ministries), spiral all the way down.

The character of Justine is a gay trans woman and the character of Virginia is an ex-gay Christian. Neither knew this about the other but these things are discovered throughout the conversation. I give major prompts to ContraPoints for her portrayal of both Virginia and Justine. Particularly Virginia, as it's really easy to create a disparaging caricature of your adversary but it felt like she really accurately represented the ex-gay / side b gay Christian perspective to the point where it was honestly hard for me to watch.

Around the twenty four minute mark, Justine reached a truly salient point on the topic of erotic love that I want to share and respond to:

Justine: Answer this: what do you think erotic love is a desire for?

Jackie: Wait. I know this one: sex.

Justine: No, that's too easy. Erotic love is not aimless pleasure-seeking. It's a longing for connection, for recognition, for wholeness; to traverse the lonely void that separates us from each other, to liberate repressed energy, to feel alive. Love is not the flesh. It's not temptation. It's nothing like the urge to punch someone in the face. It's nothing like being an alcoholic. It's not a craving. It's a yearning. The desire for reunion with our other half, Aristophanes. But you people don't understand that because you are vulgarians. You have no sense of humanity, and you have no sense of the erotic.

Link to video at time of quote

The Christian framework truly makes sex to be a vulgar thing. They call it sacred -- I know I did -- but they look down at it like it's an ugly thing. You can't talk about sex without being all hush hush about it, without moralizing and handwringing. I was so uncomfortable around any sexual topics when I was a Christian and now it's so so much easier to talk about it, to think about it even, because I no longer look at it like it is a vulgarity in-and-of-itself.

So much of my problem as a celibate gay Christian was loneliness. I was longing for connection, to be truly seen by another person, to feel intertwined with another in a way that was more than just physical. I wanted to be held, to be desired, to be known. I cried out to God to make me straight, but I also cried out for him to hold me, because I wanted that just as badly.

He didn't give me either and I was left in an ash heap of misery wondering why his great love seemed so insufficient. I was earnestly and truly seeking Jesus. I did everything I could to walk with God, but my whole being radiated with unfulfilled longing.

So anyways never let your basic human desire for the intimacy and connection, the yearning for wholeness, be framed as akin to addiction or violence or really wrong in any way. It isn't. The Christians who tell you otherwise are doing so based on sincerely held dogmatic beliefs that cause real harm that people live with everyday.

[lerolie]

hii omg i LOVED the miko & jean crushing over reader scenario so much!! may i request the same scenario with ei and ningguang this time? have a nice day!

be my mistake | Raiden Ei x Reader

Summary: ei has a huge crush on you, her close friend and advisor.

Warning(s): reader has an unspecified gender. introspection. short mention of skipping a meal.

A/n: i'm very sorry for leaving ning out of this, but i was struggling in coming up with something for her, and i didn't want to churn out a mediocre addition. i hope the longer ei oneshot makes up for it. thank you for your request <3

To describe her experiences within the Plane of Euthymia using words... it almost felt like an impossible task. Ei understood the wrongness of her decision, how her choice to remain within the solemn void kept her from fulfilling her duty to her people. And yet, even with this knowledge, sometimes she craved that isolation once more. Perhaps it was a fleeting fantasy fueled by her enraging innocence concerning the modern world, but Ei could not help it, as she had gotten so used to a life wherein she sat alone for years at a time, just... thinking, and now she was thrown into a world of the exact opposite temperament.

She thought about that isolation especially often when she was around you.

It wasn't that she disliked your company in any capacity. No, if anything, she liked you much more than what was appropriate. You were a friend, an advisor meant to aid her in the reconstruction of Inazuma, and here Ei was... pining over your touch and allowing her eyes to subconsciously wander over the expanse of your hands whilst you completed paperwork.

This complicates things. These types of close relationships... she had hardly understood them even hundreds of years ago, when her friends were alive and Makoto was still the Electro Archon—Ei had shied away from emotional intimacy. It was only when they were gone that Ei truly understood what she had lost, that true companionship that was rare and painful to forget.

Even so, she hadn't ever felt the need to hold their hands or press soft kisses to their foreheads. You were different, and confusing, and a culmination of all the humanly things Ei has tried to push away for all these years. You were like a forbidden fruit to her, hung high up in a tree with branches made up of fear and embarrassment.

But things were different now. Makoto loved humanity, and so Ei would try to emulate that love through means of governance and lawmaking. Not... through you. Oh, how Makoto would laugh if she could see Ei now, cowering in her room to avoid the gaze of a human woman who made her face flush like a disorientated teenager.

This cowering had been going on all afternoon, and it had begun after you gave Ei a particularly sunny smile. The conversation had been focused on a matter as banal as breakfast, and yet Ei had felt her heart skip a beat during it; all because you had smiled at her.

Perhaps advisors and their Archons should not be such close friends, but it seemed to Ei that you did not hold that social stigma to heart. It had only taken a year of acquaintanceship for your afternoon meetings to transform into nightly dinners, which then morphed into morning breakfasts and then entire days together.

It was... nice having a friend who could dedicate such a vast amount of time to 'hanging out' (as you had put it). Miko was of course always there to lend a hand or spare an afternoon together, but she was busy with things that did not concern the shogunate. That was another thing that had changed so drastically in the time Ei was away, and it had taken some time to become accustomed to it.

Ei is broken from her thoughts with a small growl of her stomach, and she can't help but frown even if she is alone within her room, admiring a paper full of words you have previously explained to her. She sighs before placing the paper against her desk, tapping her fingers against the tatami floors on which she was sitting. It was late, and dinner had already been served not long ago. If Ei were the person she was hundreds of years ago, she would have sent someone to awaken the cooks, and have them make her a meal at this inappropriate time—but she couldn't be bothered. Having her lovely kitchen staff begin to despise her would only be detrimental to the new image she was attempting to build for herself.

There is a shuffle outside, quiet and yet undeniably there. Ei wonders when she was able to discern your presence from your footsteps alone.

"It's alright, you may enter," Ei exclaims, a knowing, small smile on her face.

"How did you know it was me?" You say quietly, shutting the sliding door behind you, the mischievous smirk on your face doing nothing to hide how smug you felt about being in the Archon of Inazuma's bedroom after dark. You have always had a strange sense of humor, laughing at the gaudy rumors which were being spread about the shogun and her somewhat new advisor. Ei herself had paid it no mind... at first. But now that these awful feelings have come to her own personal attention, she can't help but remember those rumors each time the two of you were to have a nightly meeting like this.

"Your footsteps are usually much louder than my servants," Ei deadpans mercilessly, not realizing the abruptness of her own words, and she lifts a finger to point at the bag in your hands. "What is that you are holding?"

You have become used to the Archon's blunt manner of speech, and you hardly bat an eye as you unceremoniously dump the bag in Ei's arms. "Since you could not join me for dinner tonight, I only saw it fitting I bring you something back," you hover considering, suspicious eyes over Ei's 'rumpled' appearance. "...Did you eat dinner at all?"

Armed with leftover dango and finished paperwork, Ei doesn't bother dignifying that with a response, instead using her brain power to happily devour her sugary dumplings. You sigh despairingly, taking your seat beside Ei. You take a glance at her work, eyes gleaming.

"This looks like a welcome improvement! Wow, and to think only a few short months ago you hardly understood anything without help from the Shogun." Your eyes comb over Ei's perfect handwriting, ideas and outlines written with startling clarity considering her inexperience. It's clear she has a talent for lawmaking, even if she hardly put those skills to work until recently.

Ei practically glows with the praise, eyes shut in pure bliss as she finishes her second stick of dango. She would never admit it, but your words may be on par with dango on her mental list of favorite things.

You and Ei devolve into a conversation pertaining to plans for the next day, and during that, Ei takes the liberty of preparing herself for rest. She doesn't exactly need sleep as an Archon, but she hadn't slept in the past few days, and there is a sense of refreshment that comes with sleeping and dreaming. Tonight, she will allow herself to indulge.

While discussing the trade economics concerning Liyuean shipping vessels, Ei begins to take out her braid. She doesn't notice how you slightly stumble on your words, her attention far too focused on the knot of hair which formed closer to her mid back. The conversation continued, even amidst Ei's struggle, until you clear your throat.

"Your Excellency, would you mind if I helped you?"

The sudden formalness to your words shocks Ei a bit, and her fingers fall free from her tangled hair. She tilts her head, confusion written plainly across her features. That title... she had never cared for it when it was spoken by you. You know Ei's real name, but it seems that you will go through any lengths to avoid using it. How troublesome.

"Not at all." Ei's voice comes out hushed, as if she were subconsciously trying not to break the silent atmosphere built around the pair of you—heavy and unrelenting. Your relationship had never been absent of these occurrences, and it was something that often caused the aforementioned rumors and gossip to roam free in the Archon's mind.

You move slowly, shuffling yourself behind the Archon rather inelegantly, but Ei finds no absence of charm. It feels like a string is coiled around her still heart, constricting and pulsing with something she can only describe as affection, and it feels like she is being choked by the sheer volume of her emotions. Nevertheless, your hand reaches up, and you expertly card your fingers through Ei's hair. Ei burns with the desire to ask you how you were so good at such a thing, but she abstains in favor of keeping this bubble of peace intact around you both.

Your hands are solid as they move through her hair, and Ei lets out a trapped sigh of relief when you finally work through the knot. She doesn't miss how your fingers pause, how your movements begin to slow—as if you were savoring the action of simply combing Ei's hair.

Ei feels something within her snap, then, a withheld question finally making its way past her lips, "Why do you not address me by my name?"

Your hands freeze in their brushing motions, and while Ei cannot see the expression on your face, she can almost sense the frown emanating from you. It feels wrong, to confront you about such a thing, but she cannot help herself. She has to know.

"I... don't exactly have a satisfying answer," You finally speak, your words soft and tinged with a fear Ei can't understand. She feels an urge to hold you, to comfort you in a way she feels you so desperately deserve.

"I would like to hear it, if you're willing to tell me."

Silence once again. Ei has given you a sufficient 'out', a way to ignore this sudden lapse in her judgement and continue on with how things are. You do not owe her an explanation, and yet Ei finds herself gripping the fabric of her kimono in hardly restrained frustration.

"For a large portion of my life, I have been serving others. Until now I... have never truly known someone like you. Someone that treats me like an equal, who values my opinion and... from what I can tell—enjoys my company. I didn't wish to ruin that with feelings that didn't belong, no matter how badly I wished to say your name."

The moment those words leave your mouth, Ei turns to face you—eyes clear and void of judgement. She watches the way your face pales, likely considering the worst possible outcome, but Ei quickly shuts down those fears when she places a soft hand on your cheek. The Archon can feel herself hesitate just the smallest bit, but that hand on your face stays perfectly still.

"Do not fear those emotions, my dearest." Ei whispers, as if she were sharing a secret. "You may call me whatever you'd like. Do not fear such things when they are concerning me. Do you understand?"

You nod dazedly, and only then does Ei release you from the warmth of her embrace. Your hands are still in her hair, and you only realize when she speaks again, coy and teasing in the way you so adore.

"Are you going to continue? Or should I go back to detangling this mess myself?"

[buckyownsmylife]

I’ve Told You Now - Bucky Barnes smut

The one where alpha!Bucky fucks you in front of the other avengers

Warnings: smut, a/b/o dynamics, public sex, oral (f), p in v, possessiveness

Word count: 2.3k

A/N: Thank you to my lovely @wakingbeauty​ for giving this a read for me! This is strictly the product of mine and @navybrat817​‘s belief that public sex should be more common in A/B/O dynamics, so there you have it 😊 Also, I used a prompt the sweet @jbreenr​ gave me ages ago for a headcanon and I asked to save it for this story since it made such perfect sense! Hope you guys like it! I might write more public sex A/B/O smut in the very near future!

Bucky’s P.O.V.

Everyday was the same. I’d wake up and join the rest of the team for breakfast to find out that despite the fact that someone had saved me a seat, that same someone had thought of a new joke to make at my expense.

If I thought Tony’s nicknames were bad, this was a whole new level. It’s like she wanted to find all the little ways to annoy me, while still remaining mindful of my recovery process and triggers.

I’d never met an omega like that before. Back in my time, omegas were mostly prim and proper, almost shy around alphas, even if they were starting to show a little more skin and entertain the possibility of staying closer to us for longer periods of time.

I wasn’t used to someone who felt so comfortable with my intimidating aura, and the alpha in me definitely couldn’t grow used to seeing so much of her skin all the time. By now, I was sure she was doing it on purpose.

She knew how it affected me, she could smell it - every omega was able to identify when a nearby alpha was aroused. And I knew it turned her on in return. I was also biologically wired to sense that.

It was basically a game of who would break first. And I knew she thought she would win, but my resolve still wasn’t broken.

“Ah… What a lovely day. So full of possibilities… if you’re not a hundred years old,” she quickly added, throwing me a glance that had me rolling my eyes. “What do you say, grandpa? Feel like going out for a run?”

Who knows what I would have answered if she hadn’t decided to pull her hair up right at the second Wanda opened the window to look out into the field? The smile that had been on my face quickly dropped when I was hit with a heavy wave of her scent and my knees buckled as I tried to hold myself back from just jumping on top of her.

Unfortunately, because awareness was not something she seemed capable of having, she did not realize my struggle. “What’s wrong, old man? Can’t even keep up anymore?” The growl that escaped my chest at her joke was all the warning she needed to finally understand what was going on.

“I’ll show you what I can keep up.” I was on her in a second, my consciousness of our surroundings reduced to absolutely nothing. It was only her and me, and the way our lips moved as I guided her back to the couch, until we both fell on top of it.

“Is this what you wanted, huh?” I asked as I tore her shirt with a simple flick of my wrist. “Is this how you wanted it to happen? For me to lose all control and just take you right here?” All that left her was a garbled sound, her hands clawing at my back as I easily got rid of her jeans until they were nothing but scraps on the floor and then exposed her pussy to the tower’s living room.

“Fuck yes,” I growled, immediately leaning down to get a taste of her. Sweet and wet and mine, all mine. I had no idea where that possessive instinct had come from, but I would be crazy to ignore it - especially since it felt like I’d kill and die for her at that very second.

Her hips jerked up, instinctively searching for my tongue, but a breeze of clarity seemed to brush over her and make her sit up on her elbows, looking down at me. I knew what was running through her mind before she said it, and I wasn’t having any of it.

“You better lay back down and let me savor my meal,” I warned, knowing the rest of the team had gathered around to watch the show. I didn’t have to take my eyes off her debauched state to know it, but her gaze was on them, even if the rest of her body was still spread open for anyone to see, uncaring of the fact that we were being watched.

“You poked the beast, now you’ll entertain it,” Steve warned, shaking his head as if to scold us, but when I met his eyes, I could see the glint of desire in them. He wanted to be in my position, he wanted to have his own tongue shoved deep inside my girl’s pussy, and it only made me eat her more hungrily.

“Eyes on me, ‘mega,” I called out to her once I saw her eyes linger on Steve. “Let them watch, that’ll keep them away from you.” She groaned at the possessiveness in my words, but it was the sounds of someone who was relishing in it. And I was relishing in her juices.

“Fuck!” She cursed when I buried my tongue as far as it could go in her, something deep inside of me desperate to be drowning in her scent. “Should have gotten you mad before.”

The thought was amusing to me. Did she really think this was only the result of pent-up anger, and not months of desire and lust that had finally spilled from my weakened resolve?

“Well…” I started, pushing two fingers inside of her to scissor her open for me, although my scent had already made her body as prepared for an Alpha an Omega could get.

I was a bit larger than usual Alphas, though - courtesy of the serum - so I wanted to make sure she wouldn’t go through any pain whatsoever. “You keep me mad all the fucking time, kitten.”

Y/N’s P.O.V.

“With desire or anger, it doesn’t really care,” he continued, like it was any ordinary day and we were chatting in the living room, our usual teasing banter taking over the conversation, instead of him eating me out on the couch in front of all of our teammates while I was spread out for their eyes to take in.

“You’re always a tease to me, in one way or another.” His huge hands massaged the inside of my thighs as he finally lowered himself to suck on my nub again, making me instinctively buck my hips up in search of his tongue.

“Stay…” he ordered in his Alpha tone, and the whine that broke free from my chest was more animal than human now. The way he used his mouth was nothing short of sinful, licking me from ass to clit with an eagerness I had never expected the former Winter Soldier to have.

But I guess today I was discovering all of my fantasies about Bucky had been a bit misplaced. For one, I never thought he’d be the type of Alpha to take me in such a public environment.

In every dirty dream I’d had, Bucky was far too possessive to allow anyone to explore what was his - even if it was only visually - but what I’d come to learn was that while he was definitely dominating, there was a hint of exhibitionism in his craving.

He liked to have people see him break me into a million pieces only to glue me back together with a lick of his tongue. He liked that they were seeing his talent - and I had to admit, by what I saw in his friend’s stare, that they were also admiring me too.

And he got off on that. I didn’t expect it would make me get off too.

“Delicious,” he hummed when he finally pulled away from my cunt, having brought me to my release and licked it off of me. Still, an overwhelming amount of wetness covered the lower part of his face, prompting me to raise myself to my elbows and lick my own juices off of his lips, the omega in me begging to scent him as mine.

“You’re a nasty little bitch, aren’t you?” He chuckled once the surprise faded away, easily manhandling me onto my stomach, the sound of a zipper being opened denouncing that he had undressed.

“Keep fucking me and you’ll find out.” I heard him spitting behind me, a shiver running up my spine as I realized he was playing with himself while looking at me presenting for him.

“Oh, I’ll do much better than that.” That was all the warning I got before I felt the head of his member poking my entrance, slowly but surely sliding in until he had bottomed out.

My whines became intensified when he pulled me up by my hair, his free hand covering my breast to rub my nipple as he whispered, “I’m gonna claim you, sweetheart. You think you’re ready for that? Think you’ll be able to take it?”

I was quickly realizing I had severely underestimated the man inside of me, even if not to the extent he thought I had. I was not ready for that. I don’t think I ever would be, but fuck if I wasn’t gonna take it anyway.

Because it was so much better than I ever imagined it to be.

“No more playing hard-to-get,” Bucky continued, finally starting to move and immediately settling on a punishing pace. “No more teasing me with your short skirts and tempting scent. You’ll be mine now, ‘mega. Forever. How does that sound?”

God, I wanted him to do it. I wanted him to keep exercising this complete control over my body that he had so easily managed to take. His cock was stretching me in ways I’d never been stretched before, his inflated knot slamming against my opening with each thrust.

“Always mocking me… Am I too old for you now?” I shivered as he licked a stripe up my neck. I knew he wouldn’t actually bite me in front of everyone - a claiming ritual was a sacred ritual, even the most feral of Alphas respected the intimacy of that. But the way he was taunting me was all too arousing, I couldn’t deny it. “Tell me.”

His hand squeezed my hip, looking for an answer. I tried to open my mouth, but nothing came out. His palm slipped further down, finding my clit, and as two fingers rubbed my own juices, around it, I screamed.

“N-No!” Bucky chuckled against my neck, body continuing his onslaught against mine as he nuzzled my scent gland. “Y-you’re not too old for me. Take me, take me please.” His coos were too provoking, making me cry out loud at the mocking sound.

“Aw, kitten…” His warm mouth breathed the next words against my ear, “I already did.” He turned my face towards his with his fingers tangled in my hair, engulfing my mouth with his.

“Alright.” A familiar voice spoke from not too far, startling me for a second as I once again was reminded that we were still very much surrounded by our team. “You two might just be the sexiest mates I’ve ever seen fuck.”

A growl escaped Bucky’s chest at hearing someone refer to us as mates for the first time, and I panted in need, desperate to cum, desperate for him. “Seen a lot of mates fuck, Romanoff?” He nibbled at my ear, hands roaming over my body as if to make it very clear to every person watching that they could look all they wanted, I was still his.

“You have no idea.” Looking over a bit to the side from where she was seated, there rested Sam’s almost limp body, a hand curled over his boner as his eyes never wavered from the place I was connected to the man behind me.

“Well, I know what I’m gonna think about tonight.” Something between a laugh and a moan escaped me, making Bucky growl again, hands pushing me back down onto the couch as his hips picked up the pace with which they’d ruin me.

To say I was soaked was the understatement of the century. I could feel it, running down my thighs, drenching the couch underneath me. I don’t know how we’d be able to use it again, but that was the least of my concerns in the moment.

“I am begging you to let me lick her pussy after you guys are done,” came Tony’s voice, and I knew Bucky would growl in his direction just from the way his fingers pressed tightly on the flesh of my hips. “Not that type of Alpha, sorry, I got it.”

I heard his footsteps retreating quickly, probably scared of what Bucky would do to him once we were done, but in the Alpha’s defense, Tony seemed to disappear from his mind the second he left the room, all of his senses directed to me and his goal of making me cum around his cock.

“C’mon, kitten,” he whispered, fingers easily locating my clit to play with me as he pulled me up to rest against his chest one more. “Come for me, milk me dry.” That was all I needed to give him what he wanted, and although I was anticipating to moan loudly as I creamed his knot, his mouth covered mine to swallow all of my sounds in a deep kiss, hands protectively covering me while pawing at my breasts at the same time.

“Steve,” Bucky called after he managed to catch his breath, having fallen on top of me on the couch once his knot popped open. “I won’t be able to work out with you today.”

I looked up as best as I could to find Steve already staring at us, although red from head to toe. “That’s understandable,” he spoke in a thick, rough voice that I barely recognized as his. “You seem to have worked out enough already.”

Bucky stopped running his nose against my cheek at his friend’s attempt at teasing, a slow smirk taking over his face as he joined me and stared at his friend. “Oh, I’m not nearly done,” he warned. “You’re more than welcome to join us for some cardio, if you want to.”

The soft smile Steve sent our way told us everything we needed to know about his plans for the evening.

[moving-wright-along]

(Idk if you've done this before but) Hi I was wondering If you could please give me some X-virus/Cody Hc? Also I love reading your blog...

I’ve done some cody headcanons before, but theyre really old so heres new ones. also this ask was sent SO LONG AGO AND IM SO SORRY LOL

💉Cody Rogers💉

-Don’t let his hardcore, mean facade fool you. Cody is always longing for affection and companionship, but he puts up barriers and blocks it out when it’s offered to him. His adoptive father thinking he was a monster and rejecting his interests really messed him up, so he’s slow to trust now. 

-He’s a solitary creature of his own creation. And while he’ll struggle to admit it, he craves intimacy and connection so bad. 

-Personally I like to think that him and Toby are twins separated at birth. I also think he changed his name back to Rogers after moving into the manor. He’s really happy to have a family again.

-They have absolutely no idea why they were separated. Toby joked once that Cody was so ugly out the womb that they got rid of him. Cody just punched him and pointed out that they have the exact same face.

-They're completely identical except for eye color. Cody's eyes are green, while Toby's are brown. 

-Cody has noticed that Toby has a difficult time looking him in the eye, but seemingly doesn’t have the same problem with anyone else. It’s only after he sees a picture of her that he realizes its because his eyes are the same color as Lyra’s. 

-Toby tells him a lot about Lyra. It makes him sad to think about, that he had a sister he never got to meet. He daydreams sometimes about how their lives would be different if they’d been raised together. Maybe life wouldn’t suck so bad if they’d had each other.

-Also mad that he never got a chance to sock it to their piece of shit father before Toby killed him. He would've liked to smack the fucker with his bat for hurting his siblings. Too late now, though, and he's at least content that the man got what was coming to him.

-Aside from his brother, I think he gets along best with EJ in the mansion. They bond over mad science and crimes against humanity. 

-He likes Jane too, and while they aren’t super close, he’s had some pleasant conversations with her. Jane mainly likes him because he’s one of the only people in this manor capable of being civil. And because he annoys the shit out of Jeff and she’s all for that. 

-Cody can’t stand Jeff. Ben wouldn’t be so bad either if he didn’t get roped into Jeff’s shit so much. Cody mainly hates him because Jeff is an asshole who doesn’t really care about other people or their feelings. He doesn’t care much for bullies. Jeff also has a bad habit of picking on Toby specifically, which pretty much immediately lands him on Cody’s shit list. 

-As for Masky and Hoodie... He doesn’t really know what to make of those two, honestly. Both proxies are close with Toby, the three of them having a strong brotherly bond. It makes him feel like an outsider, which only makes Masky or Hoodie’s attempts to get close to him feel fake- like they’re only doing it because of his brother. 

-Which... isn’t entirely wrong. At least at first. Masky and Hoodie first assume that because they’re twins that they’ll be really similar. They’re a bit shocked to then find that Cody is practically his twin’s opposite. Neither of them really know how to interact with him because of that. 

-Needless to say, Cody keeps his distance. 

-Masky and Hoodie try to get Cody involved but he just doesn’t seem interested. Toby is the only person that can convince Cody to hang out or participate with the others, but even then it’s a 50-50 chance. 

-Even when he is convinced to engage in group activities he doesn’t usually stick around very long. His social battery drains fast and he hits a point where he needs to be alone for a while. 

-Because of his loner nature he usually gets sent on missions by himself, rather than with a group, which he doesn’t mind at all. 

-Cody keeps to himself and is pretty quiet. He’s also smart and sensible, which makes him an instant favorite of Slender’s. However this just makes it easier for him to fuck with people because he hides all his mischief behind that innocent face. 

-Constantly torturing Jeff and the best part is no one can ever prove it’s him. Everyone knows of course, but they can’t prove it. 

-Him and Toby fight a lot. Not like disagreement fighting- no, they actually get along really well. Like fist-fighting. They’ll be totally fine one minute and the next they’re just decking each other. Toby always wins though cause Cody’s kinda weak and Toby does a lot more physical training than he does. It’s all in good fun though :o)

-They're both actually really protective of each other. Cody defends Toby from Jeff or whoever else tries to mess with him and Toby defends Cody from anyone who tries to get him riled up (jeff). They're like two guard dogs guarding each other.

-In a weird way, fighting his brother is a good way for Cody to release pent up anger and aggression because Toby can't feel it. Boy has pent up anger issues like you wouldn't believe. He tries to keep himself calm but it's really easy to set him off.

-He’s the type that’s usually really quiet but every once in a while he murmurs some insanely hilarious quip that just destroys everyone. 

-He has a bunch of piercings and he did them all himself. He also has a stick and poke, but its just a little operator symbol on his bicep. He would do more but he doesn’t really know what to give himself. Refuses to give Toby a tattoo no matter how much the other begs. Ever since Toby found out he has a tattoo and that he did it himself he hasn’t heard the end of it.

-Outside of his own bedroom, he spends a lot of time in the manor’s library. Him and EJ will sit at the same table and read for hours and not say a single word to one another. They love it. 

-Always finds a way to make himself scarce when the pastas have any kind of game night. He has horrible luck and he absolutely sucks at any and every type of game, from monopoly to mario kart. He refuses to be humiliated. 

-He’s actually really sweet when he starts to open up. He’s really observant, which means he’s really thoughtful when he wants to be. 

-I feel like he stares into the middle distance a lot. Like “are you guys seeing this shit?” kind of staring, like he’s looking into a camera. Or that ben affleck meme.

[clairecrive]

heyo! woman was so good- could you write a part 2 to it please? thank you so much!

"woman" - wolfstar x reader (part 2)

A/n: thank you so much to those who commented on part 1! I'm overwhelmed by the response it got and I'm so happy!

Warnings: mild angst, mostly fluff, Sirius is adorable, this is mostly about Sirius x y/n, but poly relationship none the less

Word count: 1.2k ish

Tags: @erinblack003, @girl22334, @blackpinkdolan, @seldomabsent, @andy-blur (let me know if you wanna be added or removed)

Part 1

HARRY POTTER MASTERLIST

Sometimes, y/n damned the day she said yes to those boys. Granted, it didn't happen often and it coincided unsurprisingly with every fight she had with them. Mostly Sirius to be fair. Remus hated arguing just as much as she did, only he did a better job in dealing with conflict. 

If y/n had to be honest, it was hard for her and Sirius not to clash. No matter how much she loved the boy, more often than not they'd argue. Usually, it started like harmless banter, Sirius loved to get a rise out of her since Remus was always so collected, and y/n couldn't hold her tongue if her life depended on it. Hence, their dynamic.

Those kinds of interactions though were never taken seriously by either of them. Not that they would admit it out loud, but they enjoyed them.

However, despite how Remus always tried to mediate between them on serious matters, sometimes it wasn't enough and they would apply that same dynamic to fights stem from more serious motives. Like it happened yesterday.

Laying in her bed, with the deafening silence of her dorm as a soundtrack, y/n could admit that she took Sirius bait. She was aware of her boyfriend's past and how difficult it was for him to express his feelings. Hell, her past wasn't as traumatic and she had a hard time doing that too. 

"Stupid," groaning at herself, she rolled around, unable to keep still for long. 

Truth is, she gave in to that part of herself that was always second-guessing everything good in her life and let her speak. Yes, after months of dating she still couldn't believe that two of the most amazing human beings on this planet chose her and loved her, but she wasn't so insecure about their relationship and their commitment to her. 

It was true that Sirius had a way of going about things that made him seem like a huge flirt but she knew in her heart that it was harmless. She could see it in his eyes every time he'd look at her or Remus. Least of all that Valerie. 

She overreacted.

"Fuck me," huffing in annoyance she couldn't believe that Sirius had been right all along, she had been a massive brat. 

"I think you're in the wrong place for that," Marlene's voice cut through the room startling her.

"Sorry Marls," she grimaced knowing that it was her shuffling and restlessness that woke her friend.

"I'm sure your loverboy would be more than happy to solve your problem. Just go to him." And giving y/n her back, she went back to sleep.  Y/n had confided in her friend, she usually liked to keep her relationship's problems between her and her boyfriends but Marlene had seen right through her. 

She let out a sigh, looking at the ceiling, she knew that she couldn't go on like this much longer. She never could sleep when she had a serious fight with her boyfriends. Trying to be as silent as possible and climbed the stairs to the common room. 

Trying to figure out the best way to approach Sirius after the fight, the best words to use, she almost missed the silhouette of a boy sitting in front of a fire. As soon as she had spotted it though, y/n knew immediately who it was.

Sirius always had trouble sleeping.

"Hey," not wanting to scare him, she quietly spoke to announce her presence before making her way to him.

"Hi," good thing she had spoken, 'cause Sirius appeared to be deep in thoughts and hadn't heard her coming down. "What are you doing here?" 

"Couldn't sleep. You?"

"Same."

Both of them were aware of the reason why both of them were too restless to sleep but it felt like the words needed to be said. Even if to just ease them into the conversation they knew they needed to have.

"Look-"

"Listen-"

Speaking at the same time like they were in some sort of romcom felt comical but also very in intune with them. Always clashing. 

Smiling softly at each other, they waited for the other to speak. Almost as if they had made a silent agreement, again, they spoke at the same time.

"I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" Sirius added confused. She did nothing wrong as far as he's concerned.

"I overreacted, I was a bitch," she started listing with the help of her fingers, "I threw a fit, do I need to add more?"

"Oh baby," shaking his head he took her hands in his before continuing, "can't blame you for that when I would have reacted the same way, can I?"

"It seemed like I don't trust you though," now it was her turn to shake her head and give his hands a squeeze, "which is absolutely not true. I know you're loyal."

"Surely, you must know how deeply I care for you."

"I do, I do," she insisted when she saw doubt still clouding his eyes, "sometimes I let my insecurities get the best of me. I'm sorry if I hurt you though, it isn't an excuse."

"We all got insecurities, bunny. And I'm the one who's sorry, I shouldn't have messed with you that much. I was being an arsehole and I ruined your surprise." He reassured her before his head hung low in shame. There's the thing about Sirius: he could be very forgiving when it came to his loved ones but never when it came to himself. 

"You were a bit of a moron, but it's okay. I didn't want to come off as needy, you weren't that  late anyway." Taking his chin between her fingers, she tilted his head up so that she could look into his eyes. There was nothing y/n hated more than Sirius being so intransigent with himself when he deserved nothing but love and happiness. Good thing that he had two doting and loving partners then, right? 

"Bunny," tightening his hold on the hand he was still holding, his eyes glowed in the firelight, turning solemn as the words he was about to share, " you're the most important person in my life along with the marauders. If you want my attention, you got it. Hell, you already have all my attention. You're always on my mind, and certainly in my heart. I love you, there's no one but you and Remus. I promise." 

Letting his forehead touching hers gently, he gave her a soft Eskimo kiss. This soft intimacy always melted his heart. Sure, steamy makeup sex was always a wonderful post-fight but this- this was way better. Sirius had had plenty of sex with other people, it wasn't a secret, but he had never had this kind of quiet, almost domestic affection. And it was what he craved more than anything. It was one of those things that you can't live without once you had it. 

"I love you too, Sirius. You and Remus are it for me." She promised while her fingers gently caressed his jaw. They settled in comfortable silence, enjoying each other presence, basking in the promise that this would be forever. 

"Did you and Remus open it?" Leaning back so that she could see him better, she asked after a while.

"Nope wanted to make things right with you first."

"Then it's not ruined. Just postponed." As if the last couple of hours didn't happen, y/n felt the excitement come back to her. However, the clock neared midnight and having things finally been set straight between them, the strain of the day was slowly dawning on them. And as a matter of fact, Sirius yawned in the cutest way. Nose scrunched, eyes watering, he looked so much like a puppy, one wouldn't believe it.

"C'mon love, let's go to bed, alright?" Leaving a kiss to his lips, she quietly coaxed him up from the sofa. 

"Can't we stay here and cuddle a bit more?" Groaning, he complained settling his head in the crook of her neck, refusing to let her go.

"Who said we had to part? I'm not letting you go tonight, but I'm sure Moony is feeling lonely up there." She said quickly pecking his temple, the closest part of his face she could reach and walked towards their dorm with him attached to her like a koala. 

"Mh yes, let's go then. Moony gives the best cuddles."

"That he does my love." She agreed giggling. Remus was the best at quite a few things but maybe they could explore them in the morning.

[oshaaofficial]

ok hold on here we go. nadja and laszlo found freedom with vampirism-- to have power and to escape caste systems and the like-- but nandor had the power and love and status and wealth, as a human. if anything vampirism robbed him of the privileges he had as a man. all of those things are only theoretically fulfilling anyway. it’s probably easy to feel unchangeable when you’re immortal; its almost like being preserved. nandor views vampirism as a curse and that manifests as his desire to be human again. bcos i think to him, the antithesis of eternal undeath is the mutability of humanity. but what he really wants is freedom, something he hasn't afforded himself in the past, bc probably he doesn't know how. i have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of nandors angst comes from the fact that his aspirations of power, control, and conquest, the willingness to kill and kill and kill and hunger for more, always more-- those things were befitting of nandor the soldier, nandor the leader, the conqueror, nandor the viceroy, nandor the relentless. i think he’s really tired of being hungry. and that i can understand. like what about nandor the horse girl???? nandor the roommate, nandor the more merciful council leader actually, nandor the ‘i want to do something special for the immortal ones arrival im going to sprinkle [glitter] on my face and on my body like twilight,’ nandor the loved?? can he be loved? (yes) he would like to think so (he is). and what about giving? nandor knows plenty about wanting, yes plenty about wanting. and getting. but he hasn’t had much practice with giving, or loving. there’s someone who reminds him of fresh fruit and burning sand and the sun and praying. not that nandor has any concrete memories of those things. but its been so long since desire (real desire) was anything but painful. and he’s selfish, something he’d be hard pressed to admit even at stake point. really, he knows he’s selfish, and he wants his sun forever (forever...). blood will never taste like fresh fruit; it can be red all the same. but guillermo is also so good. he’s better, better than nandor could have ever been, so alive and warm and for some reason nandor got to have him all to himself for so long. he believes that turning guillermo would rob him of everything nandor loves about him (and he loves). to want guillermo is to damn him for eternity (and nandor is unconsciously used to being deprived). he had to be a certain type of human man, but he can be anyone now. the freedom nadja and laszlo found in vampirism was only possible in part bcos of why they were turned, in love, devoted, trusting. something something life force something something vampires live on other ppls borrowed time something something monster tropes and queerness something something nandor wont acknowledge it's actually an interpersonal issue bcos blaming it on something he can no longer control is, like, the only way he knows how to deal w his emotions. nandor thinks taking guillermo’s literal humanity wld fundamentally change him forever (forever...), the same way nandor thinks it changed him. immutable; unlovable. eventually. he knows a lot about wanting. well, he thinks he does. like he tries to find the happiness he wants in relationships the same way nadja fought tooth and nail for respect and power and control.* now she has a position on The vampiric council, but i have a feeling she might hate it a little. bcos power and respect aren't the same. but nandor is wrong ab vampirism, and it wouldn’t be guillermo’s teen fantasy either. vampire is just a state of being, like human, they still need the bonds and emotional intimacy that people crave. and just. sigh. what happens when someone whose life was defined by violence just wants to love and be loved instead?

[bakugohoex]

So I saw your add calling for us Jean simps and I have an idea for Jean like having a crush on a medical helper or something that deals with medicine

“you could always kiss it better”

pairing: jean kirschtein x female reader

cw: fluff, season three spoilers, kissing

word count: 1900+

a/n: hi, you guys like my jean stuff so here’s some more

summary: in which jean falls in love with the medical helper who is a part of the survey corps

↞ back to attack on titan masterlist

It was never a dull day in the survey corps, the injuries that came in after the scouting missions had been increasing ever since the uncovering of Eren being a titan. You had been brought along on every scouting mission always prepared to help the wounded and being almost like a daughter to Erwin gave you some perks. If you could call them that, after your parents had died, Erwin had took you in and here you were in the Survey corps having graduated with the 104th but being assigned to the medical area.

It was of course what you had always wanted to do but you had joined on a whim and now after a couple months of the hectic survey corps. You had settled in sort of, Jean and Armin had had to pretend to be Historia and Eren and it was chaotic to say the least. Being on the run was hassle and you missed everything even the scouting missions outside the walls.

The only thing that made being on the run somewhat enjoyable was the brown-haired flirt, he had always flirted with you when you were both cadets. Nobody having really known how close you and Erwin were until the ceremony of where you chose which regiment you wanted to join.

They had all seen you hug the tall blonde and utter confusion had erupted from them, you told them all about it and Jean and you had gotten even closer. His head would pop in and out of where you stayed after being separated from the main corps. You spent a lot of time with Erwin but after the whole Reiner issue, you and others had joined the Levi squad. Making your time with Jean become a lot more than you had ever anticipated.

He hated wearing the wig and you could almost hear him scowl from beside Levi.

“Behind us look out.” Levi spoke falling to the ground as a wagon with one horse and three men sat upon it taking the bait.

Sasha misspoke but quickly spoke over self, you and Mikasa crouched beside Levi before Mikasa got up and ran. You could almost sense Jean’s frustration and being Eren and second time, you all had followed and were brought to a larger building.

Whilst you and Mikasa peeked through the window you could see Jean and Armin with a man who looked to be groping the blond. You both flew back to Levi who looked uninterested as usual. He spoke to Mikasa and you, you had barely been paying attention to their conversation only hearing his message to the rest of the squad. Your main worry was Jean and how you felt for him always ending up tied up. All you wanted to do was hug the poor boy.

Before you watched over what was happening, staying beside Mikasa you and her both having been strong enough to get in the top ten. You both had always been competitors but now working together you were both prospering.

“If you get the first two guys, I’ll get the other two.” You muttered as four men approached the warehouse. She nods taking out her gear, before you took your own out. You heard the men talking about getting the accurate men before you both pranced on the men .

Having both been behind a wooden container as soon as they walked past you both jumped out, taking the back two, you quickly knocked one of them unconscious whilst Mikasa did the same. You heard a barrel being loaded, before you both knocked out the other two. Both Armin and Jena having gotten out of their own restraints. They tied the two men down before you grabbed one of them, holding him down whilst Mikasa spoke.

“Connie are these four really all of them?”

You heard his faint yeah from one of the windows, you had looked up at the boy as he continued, “no one else in the area.” But hadn’t realised the sound of the man underneath you getting his gun out. At the sound of it you turned but an arrow swooped past you hitting the gun. You looked up seeing Sasha on top of the wooden container.

“Move again, and you won’t like where the next shot hits.” She spoke putting the arrow already through the bow.

“Alright, first we get these guys secured.” Mikasa stood in front of you, both having heard Levi’s words prior. “Then we meet up with the captain.”

“What do you mean?” Armin questioned confused out of his mind.

“Those are his orders.” You answered having tied the man up in the rope, watching him fidget under you.

“I feel disgusting.” Jean mutters on top of a guy after having gotten out of the restraints.

“Are you hurt?” You ask seeing his pretty hair and face., you moved closer to him to make sure he was okay not paying attention to anybody else.

He shows you some cuts that needed some bandages which you had but that was it. Sitting him down you see as Mikasa paces back and forth, knowing you wouldn’t have time to help him now.

“You’ll be fine for a little bit.” You grab his arm helping him up.

“Yeah yeah, Y/n, don’t be too worried, I’ll survive.” You both jump out of the building with your gear soaring through the sky as you see Levi swing past.

“I hear shooting.” Sasha says to Connie, “from there.” She points left as you stood beside Jean.

“Do you think they ran into some trouble?” He speaks not looking at you.

You look forward, “It seems likely.” You pause about to speak looking at Mikasa, “the captain gave us a message, as of now, it’s not just titans.” You see the shock on their faces out of confusion, “we’re fighting humans too.”

“Huh, you don’t mean.” Jean questions but both you and Mikasa fly away from them, going to see the chaos that was occurring.

Everybody follows in tow before Connie notices them, “look there they are.”

You see a bloody Levi swing through following the wagon, before noticing him being chased by men. “What the hell is that?” The question that ran through all your heads came out from Jean’s mouth.

All watching the murder and chaos occurring, “follow the wagon.” Levi speaks, both you and Mikasa nodding, you had seen too many people killed in your life. To be immune to shock in these scenarios, hell you’d killed people yourself, but it was all in the name of justice.

Following Levi’s command as he spoke about how they were trained to kill people; you listened and knew that you’d have to kill even more people. Going with Levi and Mikasa whilst Jean and Armin went to secure the wagon. You knew how life and death worked, and how the world was kill or be killed. But you saw at how Jean had hesitated to kill the person and Armin doing it himself.

You’d have to talk to Jean about it, not wanting him to be overtly upset or guilty about it. You easily slashed through more people, before seeing the men gang up on Armin and Jean, grabbing Jean you took his out of the wagon making him miss their gun shots.

You and the rest of the squad were back in the warehouse where one of the men who you remembered from Trost was. As Levi spoke you bandaged him up, making sure to take care of his wounds. The cut on top of his arm being stitched up with ease, Levi had been speaking to Armin and Jean. The sound of how he talked about being a killer, you had stopped paying attention to the conversation making sure Levi was fine.

He gave a thanks before you moved onto Jean, wrapping the cuts closed he watched as your delicate fingers did all the work. He had been speaking about killing people and you knew that inside he was feeling even more guilty than he should have. You both watched as Levi went to the man who you remembered from Trost. “Are you okay?”

You spoke moving onto his side which had been knocked into the wall when you had grabbed onto him. “I could’ve killed her myself.”

You felt the boy, putting your hand on his side to feel if there was anything wrong. “Jean, murder, it takes a toll on people, but after a while life and death, it’s all the same.”

He looked down in shock at what you had said, “life and death.”

“I’ve seen a lot of it in my lifetime and I know I’ll see even more, by humans and titans, we’re all the same, its kill or be killed.” You coughed out before seeing a bruise, “I can’t fix a bruise.”

He nods before you turn to hear the conversation with Levi and the man, talking about a plan, before you could join them for the plan to take place. “Y/n.” It a whisper but you looked up to him with bright eyes.

“Thank you again, we’ve been through a lot and I guess you’re something consistent in my life.” You nod at the boy, not being able to form words. The intimacy you had felt when touching his waist had sent shoots of fireworks up your spine, but you hadn’t said anything. Being as professional as ever and worrying about Erwin.

As quick as the plan had been told, you had easily knocked out the men and gained two of the MP’s with the man from Trost who you had consistently forgotten his name. You all waited outside the doors of where the torture was occurring, Hanje barging through you saw a sadistically look to do with human torture.

“You’ll be the one to have to fix them up.” Sasha spoke out, you nodded hearing screaming coming from below.

Jean was still wary about the situation and Armin talked about being killers, you didn’t speak up knowing he still felt guilty and felt like a bad person. All you did was give a sympathetic look to the boy; you leaned your head against your arms before feeling Jean’s hands move through your hair.

You enjoyed the sensation, enjoyed his touch and you craved even more from him, “I think I got a scratch on my arm; can you have a look?” He mutters over the screams and shouts from the man downstairs.

“Let me have a look.” You get up, his fingers still in your hair, whilst looking at his other arm, you see the gash, “all I can do is bandage up, I don’t have everything I need.”

He smiles as you take him away from the others, you both go to a different room before you bandage his arm up, “you could always kiss it better.” He smirks out.

“You’re such an idiot.” You mutter but comply, bringing the bandage arm to your lips, you kiss the bandage before kissing his knuckles.

It wasn’t intentional but you had a feeling everything was about to turn to shit, he looked up at you, grabbing your face in his hands. You looked up at the boy, the silence was unsettling with both of you just looking up at each other. “I’d kill…” You tilt your head in confusion, “I’d kill if it meant protecting you.”

You smile at the boy, closing the gap as you felt his soft lips attack to yours. It was slow and soft, a comforting movement, where you moved in sync. It was filled with love and as he brought your closer with his hand grabbing onto the back of your neck, your own fingers rubbed circles on his cheek. It was perfect and you knew that even with the chaos approaching you both had each other. 

i’d really appreciate if you guys could leave a like, reblog or comment, thanks x

if you guys want to be a part of a tag list, just reply to any post and i’ll add you xx

@samusimp @alainarose13 @crispychannie @underratedmage @jennammaee @cathy8taffy @sugacious @moonlightaangel @kat-sukis-hoe @effmigentlywithachainsaw @swankiifiied @maat-the-prescriptive @missmultifangirl @tvwhoresblog @kuroos-world

[ishipdestiel-lovesofmylifeistg85]

Comparison Post: Part 2

(*Spoilers for tv shows, Supernatural and Scrubs in way of character analysis*)

Dean Winchester

(Supernatural tv show, 2005-2020)

Vs.

Dr. Cox (Perry)

(Scrubs tv show, 2001-2010)

I have a feeling this post will be much shorter than the last one. So, yay or not yay, depending on how you felt about the last one I guess, lol.

Here we go!

Alright, so this was a surprise for me to find myself realizing that if Dean was most like anyone in the Scrubs universe, it would be none other than Dr. Cox. Why?

Let's talk about it!

(1) They both grew up with an abusive alcoholic father

The physical abuse of Dean's dad, john, is merely implied, we don't see it but we are given not so subtle clues though nobody straight up says it. While Dr. Cox literally confides in JD that, that is the reason it's so hard for him to be around his sister, because she's a reminder of their terrible childhood.

But there is no doubt about the immense emotional and mental abuse they've each dealt that has become part of their inner narrative about themselves.

Like I mentioned briefly in part 1, 9 times out of 10, abusers will get you to continue their abuse on you, within your own mind. They have belittled you and made you doubt yourself and feel so wrong and worthless, that at some point they don't even have to make an effort anymore. This is especially *easier* for an abuser to make you put this on yourself if it's done during childhood, and even more so when it's coming from someone who is supposed to offer you nothing but unconditional love and support. Sadly, this is the case for them both.

(2) They both have alpha male/macho man, bullshit toxic masculinity thing going on.

And both of them are putting on a mask, when they do this. It's not part of who they are, this is the part of them that is trying to live up to who their dads would expect them to be. Who their dad thought they should be. Its easy to see, their both playing a role and making a show of it, when they are acting out this type of behavior.

(3) they both have intense self hatred that conflicts with their want and need to be loved and cared for.

This complicates their relationships with everyone from co-workers and friends, up to romantic interests/partners. It's so hard for either of them to allow themselves to be vulnerable with anyone, for fear of being seen as weak and being taken advantage of, or mocked and ridiculed.

(4) They both tend to self isolate due to their self hatred and self worth issues

This speaks for itself, but they push everyone away, friends, family, love interests and partners, because they don't think they deserve love, and don't know how to be emotionally vulnerable. They also are equally terrified of being genuinely loved and being vulnerable, while they crave it and are in desperate need of not always having to only rely on themself. They like to be around others, hate to be alone with their thoughts, but still keep people at arms length despite their desire to have intimate relationships.

(5) They are both alcoholics, just like their fathers. (This one pretty much speaks for itself)

(6) They both have a male friend (im using the term friend here loosely btw) who is willing to be vulnerable and emotionally intimate with them.

They both show annoyance as well as confusion, and being uncomfortable in these situations and they don't know how to give back in the same ways.

With Dean, this person is of course, Cas (Castiel). Castiel literally doesn't understand social norms, as well as much more about the human experience, so he chooses to ignore them, rather than try to adjust himself to those 'rules' of society. Because of this, there is right off the bat, an awkward sort of intimacy between them that scares the hell out of Dean. It makes him uncomfortable, because he's not had any precious examples of any form of intimacy between two men, for damn sure not his father. But as their friendship grows, Over time, Dean starts to accept that this is okay, and stops trying to put on his tough guy act where he pushes Cas away in order to keep their emotional distance in a 'manly' way.

For Dr. Cox, this person is JD. JD comes into Dr. Cox's life as a co-worker at Sacred Heart hospital, fresh out of medical school. Just like with Dean and Cas, JD doesn't seem to have any of the same need to act 'manly' or play some role, around Dr. Cox. JD is just automatically his own genuine albeit somewhat goofy self. It catches Dr. Cox off guard because he isn't used to men relating to each other in such a way, hasn't had any kind of male plantonic intimacy example and therefore it makes him super uncomfortable and he tends to keep JD at arms length. Also the same as with Dean and Cas, over time, Dr. Cox allows himself to start being more and more vulnerable with JD, and their friendship grows stronger because of it. He still has somewhat of his 'manly' act, but for the most part he knows JD knows this not who he really is, so he doesn't bother with it unless they are around others.

(7) The intimacy in their male/male friendship helps them to grow and mature as a person.

Dr. Cox and his ex-wife Jordan have an odd dynamic. They both have a hard time being vulnerable, feel the need to mock and ridicule (most likely just because that's the only real example they have been given over and over, especially from ppl who were supposed to offer unconditional love and support) so they often mix joking with real mocking and ridicule to each other more than anyone else even more so when they are in a relationship together. Since meeting and becoming friends with JD though, when Dr. Cox and Jordan get back together it starts off just as I said, both being bullies and selfish, not caring about the other's needs or wants. BUT as Dr. Cox and JD's friendship grows and he gradually starts being more and more accepting of this emotional vulnerability thing that he's never had before, that starts to leak over into his relationship with Jordan.

He's the first to start offering emotional vulnerability in their relationship, and since Jordan has trouble with this also, it makes it easier for her to be vulnerable once he's giving an example of it, and also the fact that he is already opening himself up to ridicule, so she feels safer to do the same. So their relationship grows stronger as they start being emotionally vulnerable with each other. Because with them being putting themselves out there, comes mutual trust and makes their love stronger.

Even with Ben, Jordan's brother and Dr. Cox's best friend, Dr. Cox has never been able to really offer himself to being really honest and vulnerable with him before JD came into his life.

Eventually, also because of this new emotional vulnerability, Dr. Cox is able to realize as the father of a young boy, that he doesn't want to and will not be the same kind of man to his son that his dad was to him. He starts making an effort to start spending time with Jack (OMG I didn't even think about the fact that Dr. Cox and Dean both have a son named Jack until this very second!) and goes from being way to blunt with his 3/4yr old son, he starts playing games with him and treating him like the small child that he is. One example is he, previously refused to kiss his son after he wasn't technically a baby anymore but realizes that is ridiculous, once again throwing out the notion that he has to be the man his father wanted him to be.

Dean and his little brother Sam have always had a complicated relationship. Sam is his brother, but he also raised him. Dean was and has always been Sam's main source of home, love and family. While Dean didn't have that same constant source, he DID have someone who always cared, he just didn't often get to be around him enough growing up to have a better sense of safety etc. from it- his surrogate dad, Bobby Singer.

Despite Dean being nurturing in the way of watching out for Sam the best he can, sticking up for him but mainly making sure he had food and had a place to sleep and all, (even Bobby wasn't the most emotionally open/vulnerable person though he was a lot more in the way of showing affection than john) Dean still wasn't very emotionally open or vulnerable with Sam, who he loved more than anyone. Mainly because he didn't have any male examples and only a faint memory of his mom from when he was four years old, before she died.

Just like with JD and Dr. Cox, Cas helped Dean to not only work up to accepting Cas' emotional intimacy with him, but it helped Dean to offer emotional intimacy to his brother. So, Cas actually ended up helping Dean get closer with his brother in a more emotionally healthy way, including getting more comfortable with physical affection even when it isn't under dire circumstances. Undoing their extremely unhealthy codependent relationship, and gradually replacing it with what a parent/adult child relationship, paired with a grown siblings relationship. Still just as complicated, but on it's way to becoming a lot healthier.

Physical affection that Dean also shared with Cas himself

As well as with his son, Jack that he co-parented with Cas

Dean was also gradually able to start letting go of the image of himself that john had made him try to continually try to live up to. He started to believe in himself, and also like emotionally healthy relationships tend to do, instead of his self worth being dependent of how his relationship with Cas was going at the moment, it helped him to start accepting himself, dare I say even loving himself.

Alright, I think that's all I have for this one. Hope you enjoyed! Plz feel free to reblog. Got anything to add? I'd love to hear your thoughts! ❤

[nyerus]

Hi, nyerus.....If you don't mind me asking, who are your favorite MXTX characters (top 5 from each novel)? And why? I'm sorry if you've answered this question before.

Thank you so much for asking! I would love to! (Apologies for the delay, and also for how long this is lol....)

TGCF

1.) Xie Lian: I could write forever about why I love him, but XL is just a really great character who subverted my expectations. He's gentle and compassionate, but also funny and snarky on the inside. His character arc is the classic hero's journey but told out of order. So we meet him when he's already wise and world-weary, then get to see what he was like before, and how he finishes his journey later on. He's extremely inspiring, to show that our choices and our actions are what make us, and ultimately no one can take those from us.

2.) Hua Cheng: This is no surprise! I also just adore HC for being a very intense character! He's completely devoted to XL and that zealotry is very unique in a character. He's 100%, not 50, not 75. While he has a lot of relateable aspects, this part of him is utterly fantastical, on the level only myth and fable can achieve--which tracks. After all, he isnt a Ghost King for nothing. In the story, he is the embodiment of the purest devotion, no strings attached.

3.) He Xuan: I actually like him for the same reasons as HC! He too is a walking fable, only instead of devotion, he represents vengence. (They're actually like foils of each other, which is quite neat.) I really adore his arc, and how murky his whole character is. It tells a cautionary tale of how sometimes, our worst enemy--the one who makes us most miserable--is often ourselves. SWD wronged him greviously, but HX's obsession with vengence ultimately prevented him from getting the peace and recompense he wanted in the end. Absolutely stellar storytelling.

4.) Mei Nianqing: While I often question his motives and methods, he is still a really good character. Caught between wanting to be a mentor and protector to XL, but still loving (platonically or romantically, that's up to you) JW. He's the only father figure in XL's life that actually took him seriously, even if he did have to come around to it. But ultimately, he was proud of who XL became even before he ascended. He was just terrified of XL drawing the attention of the one man he shouldn't--and did. However his belief in superstition and fear of Hong Hong-er also makes sense, even if it's sad. MNQ is also just a quirky and fun dude lol.

5.) Mu Qing: I really like how complicated and murky MQ's is in terms of his inner turmoil. I'm somewhat similar to him in the way he thinks, and it's real work not to make things worse for myself by expecting the worse. His background makes him naturally suspicious of... basically everyone, all the time, and it's honestly understandable. Ultimately, he does understand that you can't make assumptions about people's intentions by projecting your own insecurities onto them--which I think is something everyone can relate to. I really like his subtle journey of self-realization and self-forgiveness, and he ends up far better for it.

MDZS

1.) Lan Wangji: I love the fact that LWJ was just so ready to Night Hunt himself to death upon the loss of his beloved. As you can tell, I really like complicated characters who have extreme traits, haha! That being said, I just also really like his stoicism and reliability.

2.) Wei Wuxian: Naturally, it's hard not to love WWX! He decided "yeah maybe the ends do justify the means" and went for it. To us, he is the hero. To the regular people of the world? Whose ancestors were dug up and disturbed to be used by the Yiling Laozu? His blackened reputation is not without cause! (Like... JGY literally has done more positive and helpful things for regular people than Wangxian, but those metas already exist lol.) Once again, his gray morality is what makes him so damn good, and can be debated at length!

3.) Jiang Cheng: JC gets a bad rep, but oh boy he doesn't make things easy for himself at all. However if I was in his position, I probably would be much worse off. He lost EVERYTHING, and still trudged on because there were people who depended on him. His hatred of the Wens also makes sense in the context that... that's often how humans react to and process extreme trauma. We find something to blame and *waves at literally every major conflict since the dawn of time.* (His rumored torture of innocent people due to that is reprehensible, of course, but given that MDZS is a book about how rumors can make or break someone's life... we should take that line with a grain of skepticism, much like all other hearsay.) He's not typically the type of character I like, but I found him really interesting to read.

4.) Jiang Yanli: I really love JYL, who decided to be the emotional backbone of her family from the time she was a child. It was an undue and extremely heavy burden to bear, but she did all of it without complaint. That's strength. I think many elder siblings can relate to her having to step up and be the third parent, when the actual adults fail at it.

5.) Wen Qing: I really like her arc in the novel, where she makes some of the hardest decisions anyone will ever have to make, over and over and over again. I don't typically love very "rough" characters, but she has ever right to be that way (and it makes sense for her character, and isn't just a tacked-on character trait like hair color or eye color in a CC), and honestly I want to marry her very seriously.

SVSSS

1.) Luo Binghe: Probably the most misunderstood main character of all of MXTX's works. LBH is neither truly a crybaby nor is he a ruthless maniac. He's right in the middle, in the valley of misanthropy. And yet, he knows just how to use his charisma to get his way. Cunning and devious, intelligent and ruthless. Meanwhile, he craves love and intimacy--something he could only ever dream of.

2.) Shen Qingqiu (Shen Yuan): Extremely refreshing to see an transmigrator know how to handle transmigration almost flawlessly. (Me reading/watching other works with this trope and wanting to tear my hair out at the protags = me sympathizing on a personal level with SQQ.) This also proves to be SQQ's fatal flaw!! His knowledge of the novel is both a boon and a obstacle to him, and prevents him from understanding the other characters as people until he lets go of his pre-conceived notions. And of course, his snarky as heck inner dialogue is amazing.

3.) Liu Qingge: I don't actually even know why I love LQG as much as I do. He's just neat.

4.) Tianlang-Jun: Honestly same goes for TLJ. He's just great though, and I have a blast reading about him. He wanted to see the good in humanity, and ultimately comes around after writing them off.

5.) Yue Qingyuan: He's a fascinating character. Harmless on the outside, but a quagmire on the inside. His love for Shen Jiu was quite... problematic, in that he saught forgiveness from SJ, without actually ever taking the time to understand him or to make amends. Patronizing and judgemental, yet willing to let SJ get away with literally anything because of his own unresolved turmoil, etc etc. Fascinating.

[badboys-imagines]

Just a fluffy imagine because I needed it okkkk.

Pairing : Geralt x Y/N

Summary: basically, unspoken feelings between Y/N and Geralt make a mess of everything.

Warning : Tiny bit of angst, cheese & fluff

•

Geralt knew he was in trouble when he first heard Y/N’s laugh and his heart literally danced to the sound. From this moment, he did his best to avoid her, and forget about any emotion linked to her.

Travelling together only made things worse.

*

Y/N wasn’t much into cliches. Truth be told, she was tired of the old tune “his eyes were so blue I drown in them...”.

Well, not that she had something against beauty standards. It just wasn’t her thing. She was way more fascinated by Geralt and that, was her biggest problem. 

However, every time Y/N feared for him, every time she craved his presence, her mouth remained shut.

After many awkward trials, Y/N had been incapable to tell him how she felt and she decided to stop trying. Geralt wasn’t the kind of man you admit your feelings to and expect a happy ending.

It was until this night, when Jaskier, Ciri and Y/N waited in the background and the innkeeper handed a set of keys to Geralt.

“4 rooms, 4 people...”

Exhausted from their journey, Geralt kept nodding at the man who warned him about how important it was to close the curtains after midnight. But the long and not so useful monologue slowly faded away and a few words came very clearly to Geralt’s ears.

Understanding Geralt was a Witcher, the innkeeper assumed he didn’t have a family and the people accompanying him were just his team, or clients.

“And who is that beautiful woman you travel with ?”

The innkeeper was pointing at Y/N.

Suddenly, the air became thick in the tavern and Geralt took a step towards the bar, glaring at the man,

“Beautiful, is a lazy and lousy way to describe her.”

Jaskier had spotted the scene, knowing what that look meant on Geralt’s face. Not that impressed, the innkeeper threw a salacious comment.

“Let’s calm down here...” Jaskier intervened, but it was too late.

Geralt’s fist landed in the face of the innkeeper who fell against a shelf with a loud noise of broken glass.

“Damn it, Geralt, what’s wrong with you ?” Jaskier yelled, “We needed these rooms !”

Out of the corner of her eye, Y/N noticed a mix of anger and despair in Geralt’s gaze.

It was something she’d already seen before, but she couldn’t tell when.

Jaskier was still whining about how they’d have to sleep under a tree, and how they wouldn’t sleep in a bed for a whole week, when Geralt stormed out. 

Y/N’s heart clenched into her chest. Jaskier was right. Something was off.

On the road, Geralt kept sighing and grunting at Jaskier’s complaints.

He was so noisy, Y/N had to punch him in the chest to make him stop.

Eventually, they found shelter under a bunch of trees, deep in the woods.

Jaskier was about to comment their situation, but Y/N shot him a murderous stare,

“Don’t.” she simply said, “Make yourself useful and start a fire.”

Y/N took care of her horse and soon, she heard footsteps behind her.

She didn’t turn around. She knew who it was.

The soft sound was soon covered by the fast beat of her heart pounding against her ribs and echoing in her whole body.

After a moment, Geralt’s voice broke the silence,

“Are you mad at me ?”

“I’m not.” she said, scratching her horse’s neck, “We’ll be fine. It’s not that cold outside.”

A slight frown came up his forehead,

“How come you’ve been abnormally nice to me lately ?” he suddenly asked.

This time, Y/N turned to face him and she chuckled,

“I can still punch you in the chest, if you prefer.”

A tiny smirk appeared at the corner of his mouth and Geralt rubbed Roach’s shoulder.

“I’m serious.”

Y/N glanced at him. The piercing eyes of her partner plunged into hers, sending shivers down her spine. She took a moment to find the words. But there was no good way to put it.

“I was thinking of... leaving.”

Silence fell between them and Y/N looked down.

Geralt was a warrior with a fighter’s mind, and he knew how to recognize a lost battle. Without looking up at him, she could now feel his iris scanning her. He’d just frozen, staring at her as if she wasn’t here.

“Hm...” he grunted, eventually tilting his head down.

A part of her hoped he didn’t care about her at all. It would make it easier to leave. Geralt had never really expressed any feeling for her, not even friendship, and so, Y/N wasn’t surprised when he just walked away.

No. What surprised her was the moment he hurried back to her.

Something was changed in his attitude. Progressively losing his self control, Geralt inhaled deeply. He seemed really annoyed this time.

He hated talking, but when he did, words could come out like knives.

Eyes widening, fingers tightening around the halter of her horse, Y/N mentally prepared herself. She was ready to hear anything.

Y/N held his gaze as he abruptly stopped near her.

In a split second, the space between them was filled by his heat and... Oh dear, did he look angry.

“Blood doesn’t make a family, and you became part of this one. You came to us, you stayed with us. Now, we need you. You can’t just leave.”

Family.

Oh. 

Yes, she would miss it. But this thing that floated between her and Geralt, these emotions Y/N had to keep for herself were too painful to stay.

“I’m not abandoning you.” Y/N sighed, “You won’t need me for the rest of this trip. We’ll meet again. I can promise you that. In two weeks...”

Geralt closed his eyes with a grunt and cut her off,

“I, need you.” he said bluntly, surprising Y/N even more as he kept talking, “You keep me calm. There are a lot of things you don’t know.”

Stomach in knots, Y/N couldn’t move a muscle. She moved back from her horse to lean against a tree, her heart racing in her chest and threatening to break her ribs.

Geralt came closer and his scent invaded her lungs.

He was intoxicating.

Desire crept through her, but Y/N shook her head,

“Enlighten me, then.” she breathed.

His facial expression was serious, but Y/N liked how it softened slightly when he looked at her. Unable to say more, Geralt clenched his teeth and stepped back. One second, and he was lost in his thoughts again. Always thinking, never speaking to her.

Y/N slowly nodded in understanding and gave him a small smile,

“Thank you for taking me in when I still tasted of heartache and war. I won’t forget that. I’m leaving tomorrow, and I’ll meet you in two weeks in Kaer Morhen. It won’t be long, and after that, well... After that, we’ll see.”

Maybe it was her shaky voice, or the way her eyes avoided his, but Geralt spluttered clumsily,

“Thank you, for making me feel things I thought I could never feel.”

Y/N blinked in confusion, not sure what she’d just heard. Her heart had stopped beating, just so she could listen to what he was saying. His voice sounded strangely desperate, almost interrogative.

“That’s what family is for, right ?”

Y/N walked passed him and she heard a fuck.

The little word of frustration made her stop.

Who was she fooling ?

Two weeks would never tame her feelings.

It was enough. Enough waiting for nothing, enough heartbreak.

Closing her eyes, Y/N bit down her lip and turned to him,

“I love you.” she said bluntly.

These woods were so calm. Without a sound, her heart burst and she waited for a “Hm” or even a “uh”. But instead came his hand barely touching hers, and a soft whisper,

“What did you just say ?”

Y/N opened her eyes, only to see the confusion in his.

“I said, I love you.” she huffed.

Geralt’s mouth silently opened, taking a short shallow breath. She immediately stilled, as if she’d made a terrible mistake.

Blood rushed to her head and Y/N released a long sigh.

“Forget it. I’m sorry...” she started.

Without warning, Geralt circled her waist and gently pulled her closer. The simple touch of his hand on her hip, the way his body felt against hers made Y/N shiver. Like an instinct, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a passionate kiss. It was sweet, and fierce at the same time. It was all she had ever dreamed of.

After a moment, Y/N slightly moved back to look at him.

Geralt gazed at her for a moment, as if it could all be a lie.

But it wasn’t.

His voice came out hoarse and unsure, melting her heart at once,

“I love you, Y/N.”

Each little caress sent a wave of uncontrollable emotions coursing throughout her body. 

At this moment, everything made sense. His breath on her cheek, the sight of his eyes shimmering through his lashes...

It all felt just right.

Y/N’s fingers ran up his chest, feeling it rising up and down. His heartbeat used to be so slow, and now it was so fast it felt like a regular human’s.

Geralt took a deep breath of her scent and pressed his forehead against hers. Y/N felt his fingers slowly gliding along her back and knew he was completely engrossed in their intimacy.

Slowly then, she lifted her head up,

“What are we, now ?” Y/N whispered.

Geralt looked down at her lips, then back at her eyes,

“You and me ? Hm...” he grunted with a lazy gaze, “Some forever kind of thing.”

Y/N chuckled,

“Sounds good to me.”

[missdawnandherdusk]

Ace!Draco x Ace!Reader Headcanons:

A/n: so hey y’all. Guess what. I’m ace. That’s a new thing for me. Well not new but ya know like coming out of the closet new. So here’s to pride month and all of my other aces out there 🖤🤍💜 and here’s a bit of my journey... (slightly PG 13) ((and I know we’ve all seen gay/pan/bi Draco, but let me remind you of the 1% and shed some light into what ace can be))

You’re with another guy (let’s call him Steve) and you’ve been dating for a while

You’re a hopeless romantic and just love love but as soon as Steve pushes past second base you sort of shut down because it feels wrong

But it takes some time Steve insists it feels weird when it’s new so you ease into physical affection and then eventually to the devils tango

You lie awake in bed afterwards just wondering why you’re so conflicted. You loved the intimacy with Steve and the affection... just not the sex itself

His words swirl in your head “it feels weird because it’s new” so you keep doing it because you love Steve and you love being vulnerable but something still doesn’t feel right

You don’t say anything and sometimes you just give because you don’t want the sex but you still want that intimacy with Steve and it’s not like he’s complaining

Fourth year comes and so do the students from other schools and Viktor Krum and all of the girls and some guys are just drooling over him

And you can’t find the reason why... sure his face is symmetrical... and well you guess his eyes are a pretty color but you don’t see the reason to get all worked up

Then it dawns on you. You’ve never found anyone attractive. Not even Steve. Not that he wasn’t attractive maybe he was... you just didn’t see it as a factor into liking/loving/dating him. Body’s were cool and all but you didn’t really have a //type// ever. You looked for the right personality

You knew about asexuals your best friend is one you just never thought it would be you because you’re so different from your best friend she didn’t want a partner, but you craved it and you look into it a bit more and BY GOLLY EVERYTHING MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE

You voice this to Steve, scared because well there are just so many things to worry about. Is he gonna think you never enjoyed sex with him? Is he gonna day it’s his fault? Is he gonna say you’re being ridiculous? Is he gonna brush it off? Despite being with him for so long you’re still scared but you trust him... so you tell him

He just sort of looks at you after you finally get the words out. He says he supports you and doesn’t mention it again. So you ask him what he’s thinking and oh boy. “Well I don’t like the idea of my girlfriend saying she doesn’t want to have sex with me. That’s not pleasant. And it’s going to be hard for me because if you turn me on and I can’t do anything with you... but maybe you’ll find out one day whatever is blocking you from this will fade.” He smiles like he hasn’t just crushed your entire world

You excuse yourself and find a room on the seventh floor and just burst in and start sobbing

Full on hysterics, you scream when someone touches your shoulder: Malfoy

You wait for him to make fun of you. Or to snap. Or do something that’s just so like him to do while you’re vulnerable and crying and he just... “did you break up with Steve then?” It’s sort of teasing but not completely there’s some concern there too

Through hiccups and tears you confess your heart to the Slytherin because what else do you have to lose at this point

He sits beside you and starts to talk himself. There’s something that he’s fidgeting with in his hands. You think he has pretty colored skin and very slender fingers... you wonder if he plays the piano or burns easily in the sun

“When I was younger I never really was attracted to girls. Or boys for that matter. I thought I’d grow out of it or find “the one” and I’d finally feel attraction... but... it never really came.” His voice was soft.

You gape at him and wonder if he’s doing this to taunt you. He keeps twirling whatever’s in his hands

“I want the companionship,” you sniffle. “I like the vulnerability... I just don’t want the...”

Draco nodded. Like he understood. And you wondered if he did. He finally holds out what’s been twittering in his fingers: a pin. Four colors: black, grey, white, purple. Four stripes.

You have a good idea of what it is, but you’re not sure. You’re not sure about anything because you barely know what asexuallity is and that you might be it

“Despite popular belief,” Draco muses softly. “I do crave the companionship too. I’m just not too good at showing it... most people just want one thing...”

A watery laugh escapes your lips and you wipe away your tears. “I’m sorry for throwing this all at you,” you whisper, hugging your knees.

“Don’t apologize for feeling something. Or rather not feeling something,” a familiar smirk appears.

“I feel things just fine,” you laugh and shove his arm playfully. “I just...” he nods again.

“Take it,” he offers the pin. “You don’t have to wear it and show people, but you don’t have to forget that it’s who you are and how you feel”

You look at him because holy hell who is this and what have you done with Draco Malfoy. And he seems to pick up on that and laughs, standing, offering his hand. “I told you. I like the companionship... I’m just not good at showing it,”

You understand him a bit better. And you understand yourself a bit better. The pin is clutched tightly in your hands as you leave the room of requirement Draco explains its where he goes to think and feel safe and escape having to play sexually charged games in his common room and was very surprised you got in as well

You spend a few more days with Steve moping and depressed whenever you’re around him because you just feel so ashamed every night you look at the pin that Draco gave you and smile. “This is who I am,” you whisper to yourself

You break up with Steve the next day because he can never understand what you’re going through and the sudden change in your relationship boundaries have wounded his ego and he always makes you feel bad about it

You feel free for a while, smiling at Draco in the halls. And maybe he smiles a few times too. It’s like you’re both in your own secret club and no one else has any idea and it’s kinda fun

One night after a house win in Quidditch Steve has too much to drink and finds you in the library and is very animate about showing you that you can still enjoy—

Your scream gets caught in your throat and you’re terrified and Draco is just there he’s also avoiding the after party in his common room

Hell hath no fury like a pissed off Draco Malfoy

You crumple into Dracos arms sobbing as Pince has someone else take Steve to the hospital wing

Steve never comes back: Draco sent a letter to his father and Steve was expelled on the spot. His case eventually gets dropped and he’s off the hook but Draco blackmails Steve so hard

Hell hath no fury like a pissed off protective Draco Malfoy

You don’t feel safe anymore. You’re so scared of everything that Draco is really the only one who can calm you down. Not only are you scared to come out but you’re scared to be alone with any guy

Which means a lot of nights with Draco in the room of requirement. It’s a different sort of companionship now. There’s not anxiety... just vulnerability

You reach out and take Dracos hand one night... and he just intertwines his fingers with yours. His hands are warm despite the icy complexion and you smile to yourself

You two start dating. Well, companionship. To everyone else it’s dating though. Neither of you are ready to come out just yet.

Sometimes you get taunted by other girls because “you’re dating the most attractive guy at school and you don’t even snog him” and other comments and Draco constantly gets “so how far have you gotten?” or other sexual remarks about you and you’re both just frustrated

You snap one day and scream “can’t I just want to be in his company without having to shag him!? What is wrong with you people!?” I’m the middle of the Great Hall and everyone is staring at you

You sink down into your seat and wish you could disappear but your best friend beams at you and Draco wraps an arm around your shoulders

That night you sort of just rant to him and he listens “how can people just want to hook up? Like why would you want to have a one night stand? Shouldn’t we be worth a bit more than sex? It’s just so wrong!” You’re pouting and Draco finds it endearing

You go to his house over the summer and his mother raises an eyebrow at the sight of you with his son because she totally knows about Dracos sexuality who do you think gave him the pin but she’s happy to see that Draco found a companion she wants what’s best for her son and wants him to be happy

Which means she lets you two sleep in the same bed because she knows it means something different to you two. When Draco tells you that you’re safe to come out to his mother you about sob because you’re still so scared. He holds you

In fact, Draco’s learned that he loves your touch and comfort. They give him warmth and make him feel more human and less estranged. It’s taken some time, but you two are very affectionate, it’s just not sexual which is a total relief to you because you’ve been craving it

One night, you and Draco are in nothing but your underwear because it is hot and the summer hello and just holding each other, talking and vulnerable. Your hands explore his chest and stomach and his are tracing your soft curves with no expectations

You start crying because it’s all too much because it’s exactly what you’ve wanted. For someone to understand to your core what you need and Draco just does and it finally feels right inside

You two have almost no boundaries. You’re not really attracted to him physically and he’s not really into you like that so you’re free to walk around in just his shirt and he can wear nothing but boxers and it’s just normal

It’s also a journey of loving what you see in the mirror. Just because you’re not attracted to anyone else doesn’t mean you can’t think what’s in the mirror is beautiful. You’re your own standard of beauty.

Some nights you just explore boundaries with Draco. Kissing, cuddling, gentle touches. You want to know what makes him tick.

He loves neck kisses and you love collarbone kisses. You like his hands holding your thighs as you’re draped over him and he likes feeling your weight over him and your soft skin. Neither of you prefer snogging much. A kiss here and there but making out doesn’t appeal to either of you

You two also adore having a friend, a companion, a mate. You go to the movies or read books to another. He does play the piano and he plays for you. You reach him how to knit and sew and he teaches you how to waltz and color match

At school you two hold hands in the hall and share soft conversations and most nights end up in the room of requirement or his dorm sleeping together

You wear the pin he gave you on your robes next to your prefect badge and he gets another one and wears it and finally the rest of the school understands

You smile because you’ve found your companion and he’s found his and you don’t feel so lost or alone anymore

.

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[raziroo]

Chapter 3 | I Am Not At All Wise

Pairing: There's hints, but none

Genre: Angst?

Warnings: Overly Casual Mentions of Depression and Anxiety, Mentions of Trading of Lives

Word Count: 1,926

Author's Note: This might appear a little rushed, because I got this sudden surge of inspiration and sat down to write this and this isn't even proofread. Sorry, hehe.

‘Guys, what’s wrong with you?! This my father we’re talking about, my father! Why are you so hesitant to trade him for Lotor?’

The tense energy in the room only became even more suffocating when Pidge let that question, among others, loose like cannonballs. I was glad I was sitting even a bit away from the ongoing discussion, because the questions and not up to par answers were succeeding in making me uncomfortable. After all, the topic at hand wasn’t light at all – a topic such as trading of lives is one that questions your morals, your beliefs, literally everything you, as a person, stand for. I stared at Pidge, her absolutely enraged expression making me gulp nervously`. If Pidge didn’t get her father back now, after finding out his destination, then God knows how many shots are going to get fired at whom. And although I’m not saying that Pidge is wrong, she isn’t even right.

That’s confusing.

What I meant to say was, that although Pidge’s actions and fury and incredulousness were fully justified, it didn’t mean that we could all just nod heads in tandem and send Lotor off as some sort of pig for slaughter in exchange of Pidge’s dad. It wasn’t fair.

As my eyes lost focus, I recalled Captain America’s words – we don’t trade lives.

I snapped out of my thoughts. I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to. I wouldn’t, ultimately. Heading to my room now instead of just sitting there and making myself look like an unopinionated fool wasn’t helping me anyways, and neither was Lotor’s presence a couple feet beside me.

I decided to head to my room.

After all, that was what I was best at, wasn’t it? After finally accepting that I was a time traveler and couldn’t ever see my friends or family ever again and that aliens did actually exist, and not just on Mars (wait, did aliens exist on Mars? I never asked that), all I did for a good sum of time was hide in my room. Activities except hiding in my room included roaming through the castle and running to my room as soon as I deducted any trace of intelligent life near me, being strangely intimate with the white lion – intimacy including venting about how I was probably depressed, possibly had anxiety, caressing the lioness because she’s beautiful, and nestling in her cockpit because she felt like home – and running to my room when Shiro questioned me about my connection with White.

A bit after, when I felt more reassured and had begun craving human communication, I finally emerged from my cave, only to find that some of the Paladins didn’t seem too happy with my presence. Time went on, spirits fell, only to rise once again in blazing hopes of dethroning Zarkon, and my naturally social abilities helped me blend in with the Paladins soon. A lot of the comfort I felt among the Paladins, I owed to Shiro and Hunk. Those two were literally angels, especially to me. I couldn’t count on all the fingers of the Paladins and Allura combined how may times those two, and occasionally Lance, came to offer me a hug or talk to me when I looked glum. Even Allura and Pidge talked to meif they were free. The only person I had problems interacting with was Keith. But we’d nod to each other, say our greetings, and I accepted that. I couldn’t be besties with everyone. However, mine and Keith’s communication skills only worsened and problems only increased once Shiro disappeared. Keith straight up would refuse to pilot the Black Lion, and even when he finally agreed, he was so unorganized and his decisions so rash it was costing the coalition. When Lions started becoming unstable to fight after longer, tougher battles, White was expected to fill in. After all, it was the White Lion’s purpose – to be the mind of Voltron when the Paladins couldn’t, to keep the soul, fire, water, air and flora elements in check, Allura had once said to me. Only, White needed a pilot, a Paladin. And all expectations of being White’s pilot were pinned on me, naturally, because I was the one who seemingly materialized in her cockpit out of nowhere.

I, obviously, failed to do that. Because apparently (and quite obviously, if I do say so myself) even though White warmed up the cockpit for me when I slept there and seemed to purr when I caressed her face, I wasn’t worthy enough, in her gaze, to be a Paladin. And I truly had no qualms about that. The only issue was that Keith wasn’t satisfied with that. Pidge and Lance tried to hide it, but they too, felt that I should try harder. Hunk comforted me when I accidentally let the hurt I was feeling shine through. Allura tried to convince everyone that it wasn’t my fault at all, that the Lions only accepted whom they deemed fit to Pilot them, and the reason the White Lion even was the “extra” Lion in the first place was that it was hardest than any of the other Lions to convince to be Pilot of. It was simply too calculating and cynical and choosy – and I agreed with White wholly, because stepping in as the voice of reason, as the mind of Voltron when all these worthy, noble, brave people who were specifically selected to be the defender and judge of the universe when no one else could failed to do their jobs, then you needed to be one hell of a person to be honoured with the name “White Paladin of Voltron”.

When Shiro had come back, or as he said, when Keith brought him back, the Castle seemed to light up more. I understood why he was chosen to be the soul to combine the other elements and form Voltron. I was ecstatic, perhaps happier than some of the Paladins even, but that didn’t mean I didn’t notice – or rather, didn’t choose to shrug off - his strange and simply out of character behaviour at times. I wasn’t the only one that did. It was when I voiced to White about my concerns, and she glowed – literally glowed as if in agreement did I know that shit was serious. White, as weirdly impossible as it sounds, also noticed. She knew, too, that something wasn’t right with Shiro. It was beyond me how she did, but I didn’t get to ponder on that for too long.

Why?

Because Lotor happened. He arrived as our saviour at the most unexpected moment and in the most unexpected way, and then became unpredictability, unanswered questions, and uncertainty personified for us. How many rifts and arguments he alone had caused between the Paladins was the slightest bit alarming, but justified, in my opinion. Lotor had succeeded in messing up our functioning. It didn’t matter if it was only a tad – he was the anthropomorphic form of all the flaws and hesitancies and wrongs and uncertainties in the coalition that we’d turned a blind eye to.

And now Zarkon had offered us Pidge’s dad’s freedom in exchange of Lotor, but I would be lying if I said if I wasn’t the tiniest bit worried as to just what Zarkon would do to Lotor. I know, I know, I really was no one to be straining my brain for that, since Lotor was an alien Prince who had equal chances of being good and evil, was capable of killing us all if he wished to, and had probably endured worse than his father’s wrath. But that wasn’t even the biggest issue we had. Pidge getting fired up was reasonable enough, I was aware of how emotionally driven she could become at times despite being a genius. And her brain refusing to work when her family came into play was the reason I was bothered most – even if she convinced the other Paladins to go through with the exchange, there was absolutely no surety that Zarkon would keep his part of the deal. It was legit the dumbest, most irrational thing the protagonist could do. If that happened, we’d lose both Pidge’s father, and an extremely valuable asset to the coalition.

I didn’t really realize that during my very acceptable train of self-depreciating thoughts I’d changed my route and had instinctively begun for White. I guess it was only right, as I felt more at ease there than anywhere. It was only when I reached her and stroked her, she seemed to… close in on her herself. I furrowed my brow, a small frown on my lips.

I sighed. It was probably nothing.

Relaxing my facial muscles, I closed my eyes, leaned forward, and nudged White’s snout. I jumped back with a start when instead of the usual purr or whimper, she growled at me. The crease between my brows returned with a higher intensity.

‘What is it, girl? Hmm?’ I cooed at her, not risking touching her. ‘Is something wrong? Do you not want to talk? Should I go?’

Silence was what I received in exchange.

‘My love,’ yes I called White “my love”, “girl”, have and will continue to call her “babe”, and no you cannot do jack about it. ‘You need to tell me, please,’ I continued, my voice gentle as ever, ‘how am I supposed to know what you want to say? You’ve never growled at me before. I don’t know how to interpret that gesture. Do I take it as you being upset? Angry? Sad?’ She still didn’t answer. All the life seemed to leave her.

I tilted my head. My sigh bounced off the walls.

‘The White Lion is said to be the mind of Voltron,’ a naturally assertive, deep, thunder-like voice called. I was sure I jumped at least a foot before whipping my head to where the voice resonated from. Lotor. What -?

‘Forgive me if I scared you. I thought it wise to offer some assistance; you seemed to be in need of help.’

I didn’t answer. He took it as a “yes, I need your help”. ‘The most probable reason it is not responding to your calls, is because you are contradicting what the White Lion stands for, you aren’t being wise. That is, assuming the Lion does answer you typically.’

I turned back to White, my jaw setting. My lingering suspicion turned into certainty at Lotor’s remarks.

Well. As much as I cherished my relations with White, I wasn’t going to voice my thoughts and concerns regarding the life trade. I wasn’t particularly keen on getting involved. I wasn’t the White Paladin. I wasn’t the voice of reason. I couldn’t be. This was the exact reason as to why I couldn’t be the White Paladin. I had many a thought, but didn’t always think it wise to share them with others.

Especially not when “others” included a leader that was not being himself, a princess who wanted to get rid of the Galra empire and Zarkon as soon as possible no matter the cost, and a Paladin who was going feral and becoming blind by rage at the thought of not getting her father back when she was so close.

Yes. Now definitely not.

Without sparing Lotor or White another glance, I headed to my room, for real this time. I didn’t notice both of their piercing gazes aimed at my retreating figure.