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bambirex · 1 year ago

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Maybe Loving Is Sharing: Chapter 10

Pairings: Geraskefer, Geraskier, Yenralt, Yennskier

Characters: Jaskier, Geralt of Rivia, Yennefer of Vengerberg, Triss Merigold, Vesemir, Eskel, Lambert, Coen

Additional tags: genderbending, alternate universe - modern setting, polyamory, matchmaking, pining, unrequited love, or is it?, mutual pining, friends to lovers, awkwardness, fem!Geralt, fem!Jaskier, bunch of helpless sapphics, everyone is confused, crushes, disability, emotionally constipated Yennefer of Vengerberg, oblivious Geralt of Rivia, oblivious Yennefer of Vengerberg, oblivious Jaskier, everyone is fucking oblivious, insecurity, misunderstandings, lack of communication, light angst

Rating: mature

Full word count: 16, 976 words

Chapter word count: 1,679 words

Chapters: 10/16

Summary: The plan is simple: help your best friend get together with the girl of her dreams. What could go wrong?

Well, when everyone is confused and pining but also very oblivious, pretty much everything.

Chapter summary: Difficult conversations are had.

Author's notes: This fic is going to be finished one day, I promise.

Read on Ao3

It was a surprise Yennefer even agreed to see them again.

Geraldine has completely given up on it- on Yennefer, on Jaskier, everything. After the disaster that happened in Jaskier's flat, Geraldine was convinced this was it. What she was so scared of, actually happened. She did lose her best friend as well as the love of her life. Maybe communication wasn't always the key, or she just truly sucked at it.

After days of wallowing in self-pity and constant doubts, she got a text from Jaskier asking her to come see her, and she apparently invited Yennefer as well. Just reading the text made Geraldine's heart jump with nerves. She had no idea what to expect, but somehow she was sure not a great day was ahead of her.

Jaskier and Yennefer were already waiting for her in the small café. Geraldine swallowed when she spotted them sitting together at a table. They both looked gloomy, sitting way too far from each other. It appeared as if they haven't even spoken a word to each other since they got there.

With Yennefer being so distant, and Jaskier freaking out after their kiss, Geraldine didn't blame them. But that didn't mean her heart didn't ache all the same.

She approached them slowly. Jaskier looked up at her, with an unreadable expression on her face. Yennefer stared down on her hands, picking at her black nail polish.

"Hey," Geraldine's voice came out weak as she greeted them. She pulled out a chair and sat down in front of them. She wiped her clammy palms on her jeans, fidgeting in her seat with discomfort.

The silence seemed to stretch on for hours. Geraldine barely dared to look at the other two.

"So," Jaskier eventually started, "I figured we should all put an end to this mess."

Geraldine looked up. Jaskier looked uncharacteristically sad, her usual bright smile nowhere to be seen. Geraldine hated seeing that look on her face

"End to it...?" Geraldine asked carefully. Jaskier nodded, biting her lower lip.

"Yeah. I mean, that's the smartest decision, isn't it?"

"It is," Yennefer replied. She was still looking at her hand, her eyes distant, tired. "You guys deserve so much better than this."

She finally looked up, something like guilt seeping into her eyes.

"I'm sorry, to both of you. I know you guys wanted something different, something more. That's not what I wanted."

Geraldine tried to ignore the ache in her chest that amplified with each passing second.

"What did you want, then?" She asked, already dreading the answer. Yennefer sent her a glance full of guilt.

"Sex. Nothing else."

Geraldine closed her eyes for a second. Maybe if she opened them again, she would find out this was all just a dream- but clearly, this was more like a nightmare. Honestly, what did she expect? She was right when she said relationships weren't for her. The first time she seriously considered entering one, it all backfired, blew up in her face. She truly fell for Yennefer and she truly loved Jaskier as more than a friend, and what did it get her? A confession that broke her heart.

"Nothing else?" Jaskier checked quietly. She stirred her Frappuccino, her eyes sadder than Geraldine has ever seen them. "Not even for a second?"

Yennefer was silent for a while. Her own coffee remained untouched, going cold as she sat above it with a gloomy expression, guilt and sorrow radiating off her.

"No," she eventually said. Every word she said was like a dagger straight into Geraldine's heart.

"I did find both of you endearing, that's true. But I'm not built for relationships, and I know you want something more, Geraldine. And I wish... I really, really wish I could give you that. Because you deserve it. That safe, steady relationship that you need. But I can't give you that. I can't... I can't give either of you that."

She looked at Jaskier fleetingly. "I never really knew what to make of you, but I did know that I was very attracted to you, and I didn't have very innocent intentions with you, either. Two things were clear to me right away: you played matchmaker for Geraldine, trying to get her and me together, but you're also in love with her."

Jaskier made a small sound at the back of her throat. She pointedly avoided Geraldine's eyes when she tried to look at her.

"And Geraldine is in love with you, too. I don't even understand why you guys don't get together. Why chase after me, when the best thing is right in front of you? You're just wasting your time with me. You're both such amazing people. Seriously. And that's why I'm telling you this, because I don't wanna keep playing with either of you."

She swallowed heavily. Her lips wobbled, but she pulled herself together with a sharp intake of breath.

"That's my explanation. I was not looking for anything serious, and I never will be. I'm sorry."

"Yen..." Geraldine whispered. Her throat was tight around her name, and she wasn't even sure what she wanted to say. She was bad at reading social cues, that was for sure, but she truly believed that maybe something could've come out of her and Yennefer. That Yennefer felt the same - but apparently, she was wrong. And she dragged Jaskier into this for no reason, she forced her into this stupid game for a woman that wouldn't even consider her feelings. It was all pointless, much ado for nothing.

"My turn, then," the pain was evident in Jaskier's voice. Geraldine desperately wanted to hold her hand, but after their disastrous kiss, it was clear it was better not to do that.

"Yennefer, you're right. I played matchmaker. Geraldine asked me to, because she immediately developed a massive crush on you. And I helped her, of course, I did. Because she's my friend, and because..."

She took a shaky breath. Geraldine noticed that she was blinking rapidly to try and keep the tears at bay.

"I'm in love with her. Of course I am. But I was ready to let it go for good. I didn't wanna come between you two. I didn't wanna be a burden."

"You're not," Geraldine said quickly. Unable to resist the urge anymore, she grabbed Jaskier's hand. Her heart leapt up to her throat. "But when I kissed you, you..."

"Geraldine, don't," Jaskier warned her softly. Geraldine felt her heart shatter when Jaskier yanked her hand out of her grasp. "I know why that kiss happened. You wanted to get over Yennefer rejecting you... rejecting us. Because, for fuck's sake, I like you, too, Yennefer. And that's the worst part, that I'm trying to shove myself into an equation that doesn't need me."

"There's no equation," Yennefer told her. "I just told you, I'm retreating. I don't want a relationship. I can't... You should go for each other."

"Well, no, because I feel like Geraldine would only pick the donkey because the horse ran away," Jaskier scoffed. "I don't want to be a last resort. I kept pining for you all my life, Geraldine, but I'm done now. I'm still your friend, but please, keep me out of your love life. I can't handle this."

Geraldine was sure she was going to pass out. First Yennefer telling her she never had genuine feelings for her, and now Jaskier confessing that she did - but somehow, she was scared of those feelings.

"I love you both," Geraldine whispered. She sighed heavily. Instead of the weight from her shoulders disappearing with relief after she said these words out, she just felt wrong. It felt almost pointless to tell them now.

"But I know it doesn't make sense. I can't have both of you. I never could, and now this is clearer more than ever. One of you never loved me for a second, the other did but wouldn't believe I could ever feel the same way. And you're right, this is a mess, and maybe stopping this is the right choice, after all."

She looked up at them. They all looked just as miserable as she felt. Jaskier's eyes were wet with tears. Yennefer's cheeks went pale.

Geraldine wasn't even sure what she was supposed to feel when Yennefer finally stood from the table and left. She limped a little, and leant more heavily on her cane. Geraldine offered her an arm but Yennefer refused, making her exit still as quick as possible. All Geraldine knew in that moment was that she felt empty, hollow. Like someone just ripped out a piece of her.

She carefully searched for Jaskier's eyes. Those beautiful, blue eyes that were full of sadness as they peered up at her from under long lashes.

"Are we still friends, then?" Geraldine asked quietly. Jaskier sniffled softly before she nodded.

"We are."

That, at least, was still in one piece, if everything else fell apart. But even that felt bittersweet, because Geraldine knew that these revelations, and everything that led up to them would affect her friendship with Jaskier heavily. Things would never be the same again. They both knew how the other felt now, but instead of being happy about it and falling into each other's arms, it just made things even more complicated.

And there was Yennefer, the missing piece that clearly meant a lot to both of them, but who did not feel the same way. Geraldine wished she could be mad at her, but she found herself unable to be.

She just felt extremely disappointed and wished she could turn back time to the day she met Yennefer, and that she could somehow erase that moment. Or, maybe even further back, the day she met Jaskier. Because if she didn't meet these wonderful women, she wouldn't have fallen in love with them and wouldn't have ruined everything, wouldn't have broken her own heart.

Geraldine wanted both of them, and in the end she got none of them - wasn't this just beautifully ironic?

#geraskefer #geraskier #yenralt #yennskier #fem!geraskefer #fem!Jaskier #fem!geralt #jaskier #geralt of rivia #yennefer of vengerberg #the witcher fanfiction #the witcher fic #my fic #maybe loving is sharing

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simple-heroics · 5 years ago

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Momo Yaoyorozu Fluff Alphabet | Part 1 | Letters A-L

Yes, yes, I know. My bias is showing. But Momo just radiates Distinguished Lesbian and my messy queer self gravitates to her for that. Please help me pull my life together, Yaomomo!

Also, props to @sparkncharge for inspiring me to go Plus Ultra on a fluff alphabet. If you’re a Hawks stan, please check out her Fluff Alphabet for him. It’s amazing; I still reread it. Also, while you’re at it, read the rest of Lily’s work. Her blog is partially what inspired me to start Simple Heroics.

credit to creator of the fluff alphabet prompt list here

Activities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Momo is pretty sheltered due to her upbringing and there is so much of the commoner’s world for her to discover outside of the little bubble she grew up in. She gets so giddy when you take her out exploring. With this, though, there is a strong, unspoken level of trust as well because it can take her out of comfort zone and even be a little intimidating.

One of her favorite activities is thrift shopping! She loves going store to store, seeing all the random things being sold and wondering at the stories behind them. While she can create anything in the world, she can’t replicate the history behind a given object. Some of her favorite finds include: a pretty landscape painting by an unknown artist, secondhand novels with annotations inked in, even someone’s diploma from graduate school!

Just as you give her a taste of your world, Momo wants to share as much as hers as possible. So expect the occasional night out at an elegant restaurant, concert halls, tea ceremonies, you name it. Momo takes great delight in introducing you to new experiences.

Her ultimate favorite, though, is when both your worlds come together in the privacy of your shared home. Just you two and a pot of tea shared between you. And she can be herself. Not the class vice president, the Yaoyorozu heiress, or even the Everything Hero: Creati.

Just Momo - your Momo.

Beauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

More than anything, Momo would admire a s/o with a strong sense of self - someone who knows who they are, where they come from, and what they want in life. Someone who is secure in themselves. Someone who not only accepts themselves but loves themselves, mistakes and all.

It’s the sort of confidence that doesn’t come from skill or achievements or any outside sources. It’s a strong, inherent sense of self-worth that’s unshakable, and it leaves Momo starstruck.

Momo isn’t one to place much value on things like physical appearance but in your case, the deeper she fell, the more beauty she found. There’s this natural allure about you that keeps drawing her in.

You’re simply…you. Just you. And Momo can’t think of anything more beautiful.

Comfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

For better or for worse, Momo is very much a problem solver. Like, “What do you need? Do you want some mint tea? A hug? Want me to hold your hand? How can I help? Please let me help you.”

Yeah, um, Mo? That works great for evacuation and rescue missions. Not so great when someone is having a panic attack. And sometimes, if they’re just feeling down, it’s less about what a person needs and more about just being there for them. It takes some talking for Momo to learn this but when she does, our girl adapts her approach accordingly.

That said, Momo figures out one surefire way to comfort you on particularly gloomy days: Blanket forts.

Yes, Momo is miss prim and proper and tends towards going for a more “practical” approach to most things. But blanket forts are fun. They’re also cozy and warm and make you feel safe. And it’s prime location for cuddling and sweet affection when you most need it.

Plus, she can make all the pillows you could ever want in there. Your blanket fort is magnificent, complete with only the softest of blankets and strung up fairy lights and Momo’s loving arms.

Dreams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

For years, Momo’s greatest focus was her hero career – countless hours of study, training, and internships. Her brain was so crammed with the physical composition of everything to really think about a future.

Then you came along.

Momo doesn’t have any grand fantasies; her reality is already adventurous enough. Her dreams for your future together are simple, humble imaginings not much different from your current life together except for you’re both older. Some silver threading into her dark hair, crow’s feet around your eyes.

Momo wants to continue this life with you for as long as possible. Her dream is to grow old together. Given her profession, she knows all too well not to take any single day for granted.

Simple or no, just thinking about living her entire life with you makes her giddy enough to call in 30 minutes early so she can get home to you faster.

Equal - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

Neither. You’re partners, equals in this relationship.

She trusts your judgement implicitly. Part of the reason Momo is in a relationship with you is because she respects you and holds you in a high regard. Likewise (and especially knowing her history with second guessing herself), you always ask for Momo’s input on things.

H o w e v e r, that said, I do believe the roles can fluctuate in this relationship quite a bit. Momo can sometimes be strict with you in the sense that because she thinks so well of you, she knows you can do better and she pushes you. On other days, she herself can be rather passive. The key is communication.

The one thing Momo will never, ever waver on, though, is your safety. She isn’t overly protective by any means but is realistic and practical. And being the s/o of a high-ranking Pro-Hero comes with its own risks. Momo needs to where you’re at and that you’re safe. She personally ensures that you always, always have a way of getting in contact with her. If she herself cannot be reached, she makes sure you have pretty much all top 10 heroes on speed dial.

Seriously. Click any number on your cell. Any one of them is likely to be the personal phone number of Earphone Jack or Shoto or freaking Number One Hero Deku. (Creati is number 1, though. That’s your baby right there.)

Fight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Thankfully, fights are rare. But when they happen, they’re serious. Extremely so. And honestly? I don’t want to see an angry Momo.

She doesn’t yell or angry cry or insult you. Her expression is hard, resolute, as she makes her points in the argument while simultaneously cutting through every one of yours.

Two things make arguments with Momo terrible: One, she’s too damn smart and makes some very good points that are hard to argue with. Two, because she’s smart and makes good points, it can feel like you’re being condescended to you like a child.

And that never ends well.

Thankfully, Momo has a good outlook when it comes to arguments. She has a “us vs. the problem” mindset rather than a “me vs you” which in itself helps a great deal. Additionally, if she’s in a relationship with you, she knows you very well and can understand where you’re coming from.

That said, Momo is a patient, mature person who prefers prioritizes resolving problems and is quick to put things behind her. She is also very good at apologizing when she’s in the wrong but would expect the same in turn.

Gratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

So, so grateful.

If anything, Momo is hyper aware of the things you do for her and this in turn motivates her to return the favor a hundred fold. This includes: extravagant dates at fancy restaurants, sending you to a spa when she herself can’t see you, making you tea almost every night, complimenting you when you’re just in sweats and a stained shirt, bringing you shopping for a new shirt and some Gucci sweatpants, taking you to see that movie you looked for to…at its actual screening event!

Momo is pulling out all the stops for you. Is she your girlfriend or your Sugar Mama? Perhaps both.

Every time you do anything for her, even something as small as grabbing something from a high shelf, she thanks you with a dazzling smile. You just make her feel so happy and so loved. Momo can’t thank you enough.

Honesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

Momo doesn’t get into the habit of hiding anything from you. However, that doesn’t mean she shares everything. There are some things she prefers to keep to herself and others she has to due to confidentiality in certain cases.

She does, however, try to hide her insecurities from you. Momo wants you to see her as strong and capable, an intelligent leader who can be relied on. She’s learned to keep up a strong front, as any weakness a hero displays can easily be taken advantage of by a villain or torn apart by the press. The public needs a strong face.

But you aren’t the public. Neither are you a villain out to exploit her weaknesses nor journalist looking for more fodder for tabloids. You’re her significant other, her life partner.

You tell her as many times as she needs to hear this. It takes time and a lot of late night conversations and built up trust but eventually, you two get there.

Inspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

Yes, absolutely yes. Momo learned that her self-worth shouldn’t be assigned to things like being the smartest student or the strongest hero or even as the best version of herself. She alone is more than adequate.

As was mentioned in Activities, you also split her world wide open and made her realize the bubble she grew up in. It’s made her acknowledge her own privilege in a lot of ways which in turn made her more understanding of society is set up, especially in regards to her hero work. Momo becomes a far more compassionate hero when it comes time to suppress villains, understanding how life circumstances push some to make unfortunate choices. This realization in turn made Momo start finding other ways to help people outside of hero work, such as donating money to rehabilitation programs and advocating for changes in laws that reinforce the status quo.

As for you, Momo taught you how to let yourself be more sensitive and perhaps gentler. You learn to see people beyond the front they put up, how to recognize their insecurities. Your relationship with her has made you more compassionate as well, so that when you see anyone struggling with what your love sometimes does, you’re quicker to offer a comforting word or validation.

Jealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Momo gets more insecure than jealous. Whenever she sees you spending a great deal of time with another person, she questions herself as a partner to you and consequently beats herself over it.

She remembers every canceled date, every missed phone call, every time she’s had to put you - the love of her life - second to her career. Then she berates herself for feeling guilty about prioritizing being a hero, someone who - you know - saves people. Why would she put a relationship before something so important?

But you weren’t just a mere “relationship”; you’re her world. But was she enough for you? How could she be when she was so busy all the time?

God forbid she starts comparing herself to the person you’re spending so much time with, especially if they’re funnier than her or more reliable or stronger or just more available than she is.

It’s an ongoing cycle and is honestly the saddest things in the world to watch, seeing this strong and capable woman destroy herself from the inside out. Unless she catches herself, Momo could potentially start self-sabotaging.

Please sit down with your girlfriend and talk to her. Please hold her hand as you reassure her that she is more than enough. Please have a long, serious talk about this before Momo breaks down.

After a series of conversations and perhaps some compromises in busy schedules, Momo doesn’t feel insecure very often. When she does, she learns to catch it and talk herself through it.

She reminds herself: You knew what being with a hero meant before you agreed to this relationship, and you’re proud of her. Your relationship is strong. You love her.

And she loves you, too. So much. :’)

Also…lowkey, when she gets jealous, Momo probs spoils the hell out of you. I’m talking date night at a rented out restaurant, private gardens, expensive wine, the works. The most important part being that she’s taken this time for you and only you.

Kiss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Momo dreamed about your first kiss long before you two started dating, though she tries to deny it with a precious blush across her cheeks. She pictured it after a romantic evening, perhaps at her doorstep, with the moon and the stars and she would hold your hand before gently leaning closer and —

Yeah, no. Your first kiss was nothing like that.

It was after a long, hard day of training. Momo was sweaty and gross, covered in dirt, and her body was sore from the extensive use of her Quirk. She was so worn out that she barely even noticed you staring.

And boy, when she did, was she flustered. That is until at her you leaned closer to give her a soft peck on the lips.

“You worked hard out there. I’m really proud of you,” you told her simply.

Momo wouldn’t trade that first kiss for any fantasy in the world.

Your future kisses, however, are certainly more…ahem. Involved than the first. All this to say…YES, Momo Yaoyorozu is absolutely a good kisser. I refuse to accept anything less and frankly, neither would she. She was shy and demure about it at first but when Momo does something, she does it well.

Momo masters the art of sweet, lingering kisses that leave you breathless in their intensity. They usually start with a look, her eyes gently darkening as she takes you in. Her hands delicately touch the sides of your face, smoothing your hair behind your ears to allow her a better look. You can feel the flutter of her eyelashes as she leans in, her breath warm on her lips, before she meets them with her own.

Her kisses are soft and gentle but no less intense.

When she pulls back with a quiet hum, Momo rests her forehead against yours and smiles lovingly at your (understandably) dazed expression.

Love Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

Momo is so cute when she confesses. I know I’ve gushed about her time and again, and I definitely won’t stop anytime soon.

Since her feelings for you first began, Momo held them close to her heart even when her mind is in a thousand other places with hero duties. It’s only later when she’s alone and quiet does she allow herself to focus on you – your smile, your sense of adventure, your honesty, the way your eyes light up, how you challenge her to go beyond plus ultra her comfort zone and grow as a person.

How could someone like you be interested in someone like her?

These feelings grew and grew, combating with Momo’s private insecurities. The more time she spends with you, though, the less they matter. You give her butterflies, yes, but you make her braver, too.

And brave is what she needs when she confesses.

Momo’s confession isn’t a spur of the moment thing. It’s planned - from the when to the how and even the where. She invites you somewhere private, somewhere she feels comfortable and is also meaningful to you both. Perhaps a garden or in the hidden corner of a tea shop you two frequent.

Momo has an entire speech planned. It’s formal and put together and she has it completely memorized but then –

She meets your eyes and suddenly, despite her ability to memorize the atomic structure of everything, that speech evaporates in her mind. She stutters, trying to grasp at the least beginning, and decides to - for once - let go of what’s “proper”.

And like Todoroki said…Momo’s speciality is thinking under pressure.

Momo tells you everything: her first impression of when she met you, the first time you made her laugh, the way her eyes teared up during your first argument, her gratitude for that one time you stood up for her against Mineta, all the ways you inspire her, the way your voice is her favorite sound, and how you make her feel.

You make her so happy and grateful and amused and dizzy and frustrated and emotional. You make her feel confident and so much braver than she actually is.

She takes your hands in hers, holding them like they are the most precious things in the world, and looks at you with shining grey eyes. In those eyes, you see someone so sure and certain of her feelings - her feelings for you.

“I love you, y/n. I love you dearly.”

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aleatoryalarmalligator · 7 years ago

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Life Story 108

I always felt like I was walking between a tightrope of greatness and failure. My ego always felt too large or too small. My mind had become a very difficult thing to balance alone, and by this time I had absolutely nobody I could really talk to. Josh and Whitney fought. I remember listening to a lot of their fights since Whitney's room was right next to my own. Whitney often shrieked at Josh and said his name over and over. Josh mumbled cold things back that I never could hear very well. It seemed chaotic, but after awhile I realized it was almost a game between the two of them, because Whitney would scream at Josh to go away, so he would start to go away, and then she would scream his name for him to come back. And then they would fight more, but they would go out on the porch and share a cigarette as they did so.

I guess I felt like a child in their presence. Here I was, fresh out of a sad dark tunnel that had been my life, a young girl in my early twenties. I had never had a boyfriend to even fight with, let alone an ex. I was still a virgin. I didn't smoke or drink or do drugs. I didn't even drive a car. Nobody knew me except for a small handful of people that had decided that I was wicked in some way for whatever reason, and aside from them the only person I really had who seemed to care about me in any capacity was Josh.

I flipflopped between being enormously disappointed by romance. I had really truly believed that things were more cinematically beautiful when it came to love. I felt like it was a waste how people made things so unromantic. And by romantic I don't mean like love and affection – though that is part of it. I mean, I thought that life should be played out like a theater and people should live with their hearts on their sleeves. When people are lonely, the loneliness should be transformed into something beautiful and tortured and timeless. When people were angry, they should express that with more theatrical intent. I'd read more books than I had ever talked to people – Josh said he could tell by the way that I spoke like I was reading a book rather than having a conversation. But so far, everyone was really sloppy and everyone wanted to get something for nothing, and they would rather be passively entertained then make their life – with all it's imperfections into something artful. I found myself recreating people's boring exterior when I got to know them better into something more to my taste. I made up stories about the people I saw on the streets. And I vowed that if life killed me, I would make sure I didn't die a slow meaningless death built around empty comfort. I wanted to live a life that I could write about.

I remember Whitney started liking this guy at work – I don't even remember his name in all sincerity. He looked strangely and a bit vaguely like my brother David – only more tan and older and more mature and such. He had a really nice car and his long time girlfriend had just left him, and he was pretty nice overall – and Whitney made a secret comic book about him and we both called him the Moonman as a code word. He left for Seattle two months after he started and I never really saw him again. But while he worked as a cook at Zany's, I studied how Whitney looked him in the eyes one time, and it really shocked me. She did this swirly thing in her pupils when she looked at him one time while opening the door, and it crossed my mind that people all around me were putting out these intentional microexpressions towards one another in order to lure the other in. I had just been legitimately surprised. I didn't understand that kind of body language I guess.

I had nothing left to lose, and Josh was pretty much the only important person to me anymore. I had a deep care for Allison's well being even if I could do nothing for her – she was a teenager and her life had just been a wreck and someone needed to secretly be looking out for her even if she didn't realize that right now. I hovered around in the outskirts of her life calmly looking over her to make sure she was safe. I knew Josh and Whitney were terrible influences. Ultimately though – I wanted Allison out of the situation because she wasn't getting anything positive from this experience living at the madhouse and mainly, Josh had suddenly become my main objective in life. He took over every failed relationship I had ever had spanning throughout my teen years and early adulthood. Josh replaced my concept of family. He replaced my feelings of longing I had once had for Zack. He replaced my friendships. And what's more, he also created all this new want and care and love I had not even fully realized existed. I didn't even know what I wanted from him to be honest. I just loved him unconditionally, and I could never imagine myself being anywhere else that wasn't besides him – even if he never properly understood that. The idea of being his girlfriend – though I was satisfied by the idea, it seemed besides the point. I felt like the concept of being a significant other was a very loose description for an idea that wasn't as evolved as what I wanted.

Whitney and Allison were in the way of me and Josh, they created a barrier that seemed dumb. Josh and I had a lot more in common than them. In fact, I had never met anyone in my life I felt I had so much in common with. I didn't feel like I would ever really get to know Josh unless they were out of the picture however. He would cling to Whitney and try to contend with Allison and I would sit quietly in the corner, or I would leave the room entirely and that was that. Quietly, I began to smile to myself every morning and undermine them whenever it was morally fair to do so. I felt like the smartest person in the house because I did it by planting ideas in Allison and Whitney's minds, I did it by being in the right place at the right time in a way that disarmed Josh, and I did it with eye contact. When I walked by Josh and Whitney sitting on the couch together, I would get this wave of jealousy that made me nauseated, but rather than let myself crumple, I would use that pain and I sincerely believe I was sending brainwaves to Josh that were intensely clear and that on some level he felt it. I was planting seeds in his mind too. I wanted him to think about me. Him and I would look at one another and it would be a strange moment for the both of us. And then I would leave the room. I never stuck around. I almost always made myself unavailable so that he didn't feel as bored of me as he might Whitney or Allison. I felt though, that even though I had left the room I was still lingering in his mind a little bit.

I guess I figured that was the key. Find ways to linger in someone's mind while you are gone. Give them that strange space to ponder what you were doing, what you said, how you looked and intentionally plant yourself in those situations so that it all happens before them by 'accident'. Try to get that in their minds. Then you leave them alone. When they see you again they will be self conscious because they were thinking about you. Then you can randomly smile at them and walk away and pretend not to see them at other times, or you can even set up awkward situations where you see them in a vulnerable position or they see you. It's a game I put a great deal of thought to. It sometimes takes several months to properly wear them down. And it seemed so strange to me to do this. Seduction almost seems more like war. You are aiming at your objective lovers weaknesses – but you are doing so in a way that will make them think you have what they want.

But at night I felt crazy and sad and starved. I remember crying once when I woke up at three in the morning to Josh – who was by now frantically obsessed with Whitney all over again, and telling her he was in love with her. He just knocked on the door, and said 'Whitney, I am in love with you and I can't stop thinking about you'. At the time this seemed so endearing and meaningful. I could never imagine anyone ever being so overcome with love that they would be that bold. She of course screamed at him and then they did their whole meaningless routine of exchanges that meant very little. Would there ever come a day when someone would knock on my door at three in the morning to tell me they were in love with me? Of course not. I didn't have the qualities that people fall for.

Despite my eating disorder that I was keeping to myself, despite how horrible I felt, I was beginning to feel like the sanest person in the house. What I was coming to realize was that what I suffered from more than anything was mood shifts. My thinking was actually very clear. I never became violently angry – but I went between blissful contentment, sudden sparks of energy that felt like tingling balls of euphoria running down my legs, and I would become hyper goal oriented, and when I didn't immediately see results for the quiet things I did to make my goals happen – which usually was something that wouldn't change things too drastically, like dying my hair or saying a joke to someone, then I would suddenly feel this pang in my chest of self loathing and I would become frustrated and then I would disassociate and spiral into this weird gloomy depression which usually ended in me doing something to punish myself – forcing myself to eat something I didn't want to, or abstaining from food for a lot longer than I should, or else I would force myself to sleep all day as punishment. And after I had punished myself and screamed hysterically into the silent void of my pillow, I would feel almost an absence in my head and heart. I would put my make up on and timidly open the door and tip toe about my life and it would all start again – usually in a week and a half to three week spirals.

I didn't let anyone know about these mood shifts, though if anyone had been close enough to me they would have been apparent. In a way I had always felt this way. It seemed perfectly natural to me, and I wondered if maybe I just cared more than other people or was too sensitive for my own good, as my evil kindergarten teacher had told my parents. Or maybe this pleasure/pain cycle was how people are meant to experience the world. All I knew is that I didn't want to involve anyone else. I felt like any imperfection from me would strain what little involvement I had in the world.

But Whitney seemed crazy because she seemed to not have any real sense of reflection for her behavior – where as I was very aware of everything around me and what I had done and said that might have been bad. Whitney wanted what she wanted and she would scream and cry till she got it. She used people. She was fake deep. She was always a victim and when she had to admit that she had done something wrong, she would talk in this babyish voice about how she was an evil little girl like it was cute. She used sexuality to get men to trust her and then she messed with them until they were a mess. In a way I didn't care that much – a lot of the guys she had been with were legitimately horrid people and their attraction to Whitney always came with this ugly patriarchal entitlement. Some evil part of me thought she was inflicting justice on some of these jerks. Years down the road, I strongly came to suspect that she had histrionic personality disorder. It just fit her very well. I did sympathize with her ultimately. I think deep in the layers she was sad and there wasn't anything remotely that a person could do to reach her. She was broken in the way where she wasn't really even recognizing herself. She had a sort of artistic awareness of the world, but there was a lack in real character and there would never be further development. Nobody would ever get honesty from her. As messed up as I was, I knew I could be reached and I didn't enjoy the symptoms of my issues. I could sense that somewhere outside the current options, there was opportunity for growth.

Josh was very entitled and self absorbed and he seemed to require a lot of balance in order to keep straight. Which made sense because he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and the longer I got to know him, the more clear this all became. He seemed to reset every three months, but living with Josh wasn't like living with the same person he had been a week ago. There were twelve different fully operational personalities almost, and each of them had a different connection to a different person. He even looked different, despite doing very little that was different with his hair or scruff. And Josh made people feel really special – because he seemed to look into people in a way that we all hope someone might, even in grocery stores. You just hope someone will look in your eyes and see your soul, and he really seemed to have that kind of clarity about him. But then randomly he was cold and jealous and shallow – and none of it made any sense. I felt there was some beautiful vulnerable insecure boy in him somewhere that nobody had hugged, and I wished more than anything I could get that side of him to come out. I wanted him to trust me. But when it came right down to a lot of his behavior and his selfish streaks, I felt he was a little bit crazy.

And Allison was just gone and I didn't know how to get her back. She seemed lost and hurt and confused. She spent days at a time in her bedroom. She tried to hang out with Whitney and Josh, but they both used her as a tool to work against one another, and I think Allison was beginning to feel used. She holed up in her room and listened to her indie pop music, pet Jude, and cried. All four of us living together, it was why the place was eventually nicknamed the 'madhouse'.

Sarah rarely ever wrote me back. When we worked together she always avoided me. She would scrape the plates into the dish pit garbage and I would spray them and we didn't talk too much. Occasionally we would make light conversation. I would ask her about her doctor visits and stuff. I missed her so much. I had to continuously remind myself that she didn't want to be my friend anymore, and that Zack was who she had chosen over me. But somehow I knew she was also empathizing with what I was going through – it was telling in her avoidance of me, and in the shiny glint of awareness she had in her eyes that she always gave me that made me feel like she was looking through me, and it was hard for me to juggle that despite her lack of communication, she was also on my side even though she had compromised our friendship and opposed me a friend. I began to wonder at times if she had left me alone because she didn't want to hurt me anymore more than it had been about me being the damaging element that everyone now seemed to label me as. And what I missed about Sarah was that she actually listened and reflected and stayed calm. Something had gone very wrong with Sarah that year, and in the end that was something she would have to deal with for the rest of her life, and maybe I would never understand what happened. But Sarah brought a certain grace in my life that I was now lacking. I didn't have the support anymore, or the balance. I was having to make it on my own.

I particularly remember a small but important element that Halloween night. I was at work, but nobody was coming in for food, and I am not sure if the place was really worth keeping open. Only sad lonely men in their early sixties had any interest eating on a Halloween night. The air was crisp and cold. The leaves were brightly colored. I felt charged with energy, but that energy seemed just as inclined to work against me as it did work for me. The night had a certain vibrancy to it that stuck with me to this day. Sarah was there as one of the only servers on, but as usual she didn't want to talk to me – I timidly asked if she wanted to go out to eat. She said no. Silently it shattered me. I just wanted to be around her. I told her we wouldn't talk about Zack. I would pay for the full meal. We could just talk about baby clothes. But she still said no. She didn't want to be around me. I felt this zing up my body of self loathing – and I wanted to destroy myself the second she refused. I remained calm. I smiled. I had taught myself to smile whenever I was sad, and in this absurd way, the shininess of my eyes and the intensity of my emotion translated to fairly warm and compassionate soft grin that tricked people, and even tricked me at times. I smiled with my sadness, and I walked to the bathrooms. I was having a miniature panic attack. It wasn't going to kill me to be in the bathrooms for awhile since there was nothing do to. I just looked at myself in the eyes very carefully for several minutes.

I could see madness forming around the corners of my eyes. I could see clarity and craziness in my pupils. I saw some newer version of myself in those eyes, a complete stranger that I knew all to well to be me. I could never be the person I had been in my previous years. I had wanted to break in the dish pit and in the women's bathroom, locked away from anyone who might've seen me – I pulled myself together slowly. I had felt this need to fall apart. But underneath that misery, underneath any pain I felt in the moment was this knowing that it would do no good – Sarah's departure from my life was part of the bigger tale. There was absolutely nothing I could do to make her want to be my friend. I had to live without friends for awhile. It would only project weakness to the universe if I didn't accept that. The sooner I accepted what was on the table, the sooner I could work with what I knew I did have. And at this point this late in the game, I knew better than to think anyone was going to up and change their minds. You can't waste your life crying about your opponent's previous moves on the chessboard. You just have to suck it up and pick your moves.

In my personal headspace, I guess you could say that I had become a practitioner of what I decided was magic, in c – though I have never felt comfortable with explaining this given the scientific method being what it is and also due to the fact that most of what I was going by was circumstantial in the moment, and in part more to gut instinct than anything else. I guess it's the default way that my mind works when I let go of my concentration and try to see things with clarity, more than I would explain it as a strict faith in any given structure that I can ever know that well. But the experience of consciousness has always felt unreal and magic to me. I had too many coincidences happen in my life, and even my draw towards Josh felt very magic to me – it just seemed strange and perfectly fitting that all these odd things had to happen to bring me to the one person in the whole area that I had something in common with. I am nearly certain that we had been in each other's orbit and experienced some strange and very specific things in our life that had finally isolated us in this house. As to what would happen next, I had to stop hoping for anything, and I had to let life unfold naturally – but it was hard not to hold out for things I hoped would become real. Bias is a strong thing.

There was a few days that October where I was walking down streets layered with golden yellow, orange and red leaves in the crisp air, and I felt a certain oneness with everything and I had a clarity that even though I was alone and even though my self esteem was very small in my day to day life – I had an awareness that everything was very big and intricate and all these situations were unfolding to make other things happen. Everything that happened was tied together – and if you shut off your mind you could kind of read into that. To me, my path was clear – I felt present and purposeful in a way I had never felt before. I felt charged somehow by something revitalizing – even though it also left me feeling desperate and alone at times. I was where I was supposed to be and this was all part of that journey to whatever I was meant to become. I felt like my thoughts had a frequency, that they were being transmitted and that I was part of this big beautiful thing that put everything into the place it was meant – even if I died, this was why and how I was meant to die. My story was part of a larger one. I felt like I created opportunities for growth in this way.

And it isn't really that I believe in spells – particularly ones that involve smashing up dried plants and saying words with candles burning. But a repeated thought or idea can begin to manifest itself in the most mysterious ways in your actual life. Symbols can derive meaning. I didn't feel like it worked the way a Christian who prays might want it to. I don't feel like you send for something you want and then you get it – I feel like you have to go about this mindset completely different. The outcome and value of what I am trying to suggest is far stranger than that. It's not unlike making art. And traditional magic such as making a love potion or a spell to make money come your way, just like Abrahamic religion and prayer, probably doesn't have any scientific value outside of the placebo effect – and this goes for horoscopes too. What I guess I sensed though, was that the things we needed in life had a way of drifting to us, or intentionally alluding us – all to some strange end – at least to me. It's admittedly something I can't stand behind as a world philosophy. It's not something I can really defend in the face of starving children – for which there is no higher meaning or purpose than a dead baby that was forgotten and never had an opportunity to live. When I talk about this intricate balance and force behind everything, I don't want to make it seem like a religion. I don't want to make it seem like I even like how these inevitable truths come into play. It's how I operate though. I have tried to ground myself and it doesn't work.

Because of how I seemed to float in this different wave then everyone else, and maybe because I felt like I angered so many people, and because of how much I had used this same strange untethered inner cosmic space in order to reflect and find answers floating (desperately trying to grab an answer is a sure way you will never find it), I felt like a sort of witch. And I continuously saw myself as a witch. Perhaps the symbolism of a witch, about that kind of taboo femininity in culture appealed to me. Maybe it was my kindergarten teacher's fear of my left handedness. Or perhaps I had found ways to manipulate others in a way that was suggestive and quiet – more given that I was surrounded by brute anger that I couldn't outmatch by my family, than it was given any intensely manipulative inclinations I had. I felt that I had somehow become the type of women that makes society uncomfortable. I seemed to get a strong reaction from people. Maybe all the crazy stuff from that year had been just me waking up to a truer version of myself that was coming into play because I had finally been able to take control of my own life. And maybe that was why everyone had turned against me. It was more or less just a theory, but in any case, I half held that theory as having a touch of truth to it.

Just as a certain kind of women made 17th century people uncomfortable with themselves and their society, I felt like I was some kind of postmodern version of all that – I felt a kinship to all the women who came before me who filled the same role. There is something in the collective unconscious to be said for that feminine force that tears everything to pieces. I served the sort of chaotic pool that everything we know comes from, the source of everything. I could feel that chaos in my chest as I walked to work in the morning, and I felt like it affected people. It's not that I wanted to hurt anyone, but having this new set ability to make people notice me was hard for me to ignore or monitor in myself. I respect structures, but it's also my inclination to tear down those structures when they no longer work. I wanted people who drove by me in their cars headed for work to question why they were driving to work. I wanted loveless marriages to end, I wanted housewives to get tattoos and everyone who couldn't break free and be themselves to do just that.

Everything gets taken down sooner or later. I accepted my ambiguous chaotic nature for what it was after I realized that Sarah and I were never going to be packing up and leaving everything behind us to get to Seattle. That had been my last ditch effort to do the sane thing. But now I was left here, and I didn't have the wherewithall to leave, so I was going to win this 'game' of whatever that had been played against me. I let go and became who I was meant to become. Some of what I was, wasn't even a person I was terribly proud of. But it was better to acknowledge it. I obsessed over my future in certain ways, but in other ways I really let go and let something deep and suppressed from years of living with my father and mother and from school. If I seemed neurotic than so be it. And it gave me this ability to interact with the world in a way that was meaningful and in someways underhanded – I had found some thread of control in a cruel indifferent world and I was able to have some agency after years of having none. I could use eye contact to be manipulative or I could use no eye contact. I could use speech patterns even. I could navigate my surroundings using my child self, or I could use my queen goddess self and both were legitimate. A lot of it was plainly psychological. You had to let people work against themselves, and face their life alone. You can't work with something that isn't there. You can't force a person who is madly dedicated and in love to leave that person. But you can recognize instrinsic weaknesses in said person and make them think they are falling in love with you – and once they believe they are, then they are – it's a slippery slope, but you can't make a slope out of something that runs uphill. I had finally discovered that – I had been working against the natural grain – hoping that my whimsies and fantasies would come true for me on account that I had suffered. And when I really let go into this sort of daze when my mind was at it's clearest, I knew myself better than I had ever known myself in my entire life.

Amanda at work tried to get me to go out on a date with a friend of a friend of hers. But then she thought better of it. She often drove me home from work and we would talk. She always stopped at the same gas station after work to get cigarettes. She talked about her fiance. He made her insecure – she didn't outright say that but I could tell it was true. She never felt like she was good enough. I had met him once after work that summer and I thought he was kind of a creepy gross asshole. She told me that I reminded her of her sister who had died. It was a little strange. In some ways we were similar. Both of us came from dysfunctional homes – and in some ways we had chosen to react to it all very differently. Amanda always feared that the more uppity servers looked down on her because she seemed anxious and crude. They probably did. She felt she had overcome her demons to some extent, but brimming behind it all was this fear that she would inevitably begin to warp into her mother. I guess in my own way I have that fear as well. Us girls can never quite escape the genetics of our mothers.

Josh decided to conduct a 'family meeting' in the living room one evening after Halloween. It was to take place after we got off work. Whitney and Allison balked on it, but I got dressed up and strategically decided to show up. Allison and Whitney were called in, and Josh one at a time began picked us apart. But he didn't pick me apart – because he couldn't. I had been watchful of everyone around me for the previous five months and I was prepared to be whoever I needed to be in order to gain Josh's regard. In many ways I used Whitney and Allison's insecurities and annoying behaviors to outline my own exemplary 'Josh-approved' behavior. I had been bookish when Allison and Whitney had been lazy and flawed in their thinking. I practiced self control when they over indulged. I was kind when they were mean. I listened to whatever Josh said when they ignored him. I recognized that Josh admired people who philosophize and question their surroundings. Obviously I was already good at that. It was an example of manipulating what was there. Everyday I found ways to demonstrate to Josh that Allison and Whitney were no fun to have around, and I was his ideal – I was his match. I silently lived up to his standards. I would cut my hair as he wanted me to, dress nicely everyday. I would read books when it was appropriate. I would listen to him talk about whatever topic he felt he knew a lot about. He didn't realize how intentional a lot of this stuff was. Not that my assets weren't real – I wasn't putting anything out there that wasn't some facet of me. I just demonstrated them intentionally, and made him believe it was his keen eye that happened to take notice.

To me, I felt this was the first win I had had in a very long time. In a way it was ruthless. I saw the other girls in my life as competition. Sarah (who had never had a spark of interest in joining the race), had been eliminated due to pregnancy and Zack. Allison was mostly freaking out because she wanted Josh's attention – she had had an idea of who he was and was not really willing to listen to anything he actually said. It was a combination of her being extremely self centered and being taken advantage of. She was letting Whitney lead her on – who was intentionally using Allison to make Josh even angrier. The poor girl could do nothing right in Josh's mind by the end. If I had not been in love with Josh, had he not been the primary benefactor in my life (I had to recognize everyday that having my own room was one of the best things that had ever happened to me), had Josh not meant so much to me in some cosmic destiny kind of way, I would have been upset with how someone so much older than Allison was mad at her like they were both teenagers. It wasn't beyond me to see how pathetic Josh was being – being led into hating some poor teenager girl who liked him because he had provoked her into believing it was acceptable. And Whitney just had no interest in Josh. She just wanted to rile him up before she went out and found a boyfriend so that there could be tension and hostility and she could feel sought after by two men rather than one.

Meanwhile, while everyone spun their wheels down – playing every card they had, I had quietly been observing everyone and gaining Josh's trust – holding aces. I knew the right moments to express intimacy and vulnerability and empathy for him in a silent way. And I knew when to hold back. It was a game. I felt like I had broken the ice with him in some quiet way. And I was proud too, because I realized that this was the first time I had ever been in love. I played this game and I knew how to win it because I actually loved Josh and I knew we were meant to be together. I could not have played the game so well had I not been meant to play it. This wouldn't have worked with a man I wasn't interested in. He was questioning himself if he liked me at times – it didn't feel right and he would put the thought away, but the point for me was that I had reversed his notion that I wasn't girlfriend material and I was causing him to feel confusion in regards to me.

Eventually I think Whitney picked up that Josh and I were quietly and wordlessly on the same page. It frustrated her because I was undermining her influence. Josh couldn't be nearly as obsessed with her if he had someone else to focus on. One evening Whitney was getting ready to go be a hostess. It was my day off, and it was just her and I in the house. Allison was at her weird school and Josh was off to his cableman job. Whitney and I were talking loosely about Josh – I don't remember what was said and it wasn't very meaningful or deep, like it was probably his favorite condiment or something trivial. Suddenly she blurted out angrily 'Josh will never marry you Renee! You don't have enough money!!', and with that she ran down the stairs. She said it in this way that was meant to be catty but cutting. Like she had opened a wound of sorts. But it sounded more desperate on her own part. I mostly was confused because I had no idea where she got that from what we had been talking about. And to be honest, as obsessed with Josh as I was, I had never said or ever really considered marriage – I still felt young and marriage was too adult.

All I wanted was to be his favorite person in the whole world – and for all the other girls in his life to go away. I wanted to be his best friend. Marriage is a financial arrangement. What Whitney was ultimately expressing was her insecurity with me playing her opposite. She felt her power in the house waning based on Josh's newfound appreciation for me. I counteracted her behavior very well. I made her look bad a lot. She was trying to make me feel insecure. I suppose she didn't actually understand what I wanted. Maybe she had some strange idea that marriage was the 'ultimate' thing I was looking for in life. And if Josh and her had had some silly childish conversation about what it would take Josh to want to marry me, and money had been thrown in, then I wasn't very hurt either. I didn't think Josh was in love with me. What I felt was more that I had come to a position with Josh where his feelings for me were fluid. He felt a lot of stuff – he kind of worked that way anyway. But since I knew I was meant to meet him and become some kind of partner of his, I didn't really doubt that he felt drawn to me. Of course he did. This was all meant to happen. It most certainly wasn't some weird money game. I am not even sure where money ever played a part, and I never found out.

Whitney started trying to date this guy she had been talking to for a few years. She met him back when she used to work at a computer parts factory. His first name was Christopher Lukas. Josh had worked with him as well at that same factory. And he was just the worst. I can't even really explain it. I knew Josh was resentful and jealous of Whitney being with some other guy, but he also seemed matter of fact straight forward when he warned me about how annoying and unpleasant this guy was. Whitney invited him on a few dates. And Josh was right very correct. This guy knocked on the door one day and I felt grossed out instantly. He had this buzzy nasally voice and he spoke very clearly and arrogantly. He looked down at Whitney like a horny creep. I could tell Whitney was appalled by him, but she was hard up for male attention and was willing to try anything once to distract herself from the insatiable impulse to be the center of attention and make the world more chaotic and the ultimate loneliness of existence that can never be filled simply by sleeping next to a boy – but that never stopped Whitney from trying.

It only lasted about two weeks, but in those two weeks Whitney drove Allison and I up to Moscow so she could meet up with Chris. I went along because back in the day there was a very cool little record store in downtown Moscow, where you could find very indie albums that almost nobody in Idaho knew about but was all very mainstream in Seattle or Portland. It was affiliated with Subpop Records somehow. Anyway, it went out of business about five years ago now, and it was a shame to see it go. Idaho has very little in the way of options for people with alternative tastes or ideas in just about anything. You can drive down a city and see a lot of bookstores and exotic food stores and restaurants and record stores and think nothing of it, but in Idaho, a single one of those places is gold if you grew up forced into the singular boring redneck culture of Idaho.

It was also a great opportunity to get out of the house for awhile – to get out of Lewiston specifically. I remember it was November by this time, and just on the verge of being snowy – as Moscow always gets in the winter. I remember feeling under dressed and cold. It was rainy. I lent Whitney a lot of my PJ Harvey albums, and she listened to White Chalk over and over in the car ride. If only Whitney and I could have somehow forged an aesthetically based friendship (which I am not even sure exists), we would have had something for the gods to envy. She didn't like all of the stuff I liked, but between her and I we really shared a lot of aesthetic interests – more so than anyone else I had met. She had a beautiful vision for things. It was a shame for me a lot of times we couldn't actually connect as people at all. Like, it made all the sense in the world, but somehow it never worked.

I was wondering about the record shop looking through the records. I decided to buy Whitney a collection of the pretty much complete Vaselines as an early Christmas present. David, Allison and I had really loved the Vaselines and I thought Whitney might like them also. I don't remember what I ended up buying for Allison, but what I got for myself was one of the most critical and important albums I ever listened to on a personal level, and it's impossible for me to listen to that album to this dying day and not be transported back to a time and place. It was Morrissey's 'Vauxhall and I'. I ended up taking that album home and I put it in the player and it played on repeat for days on end. Every lyric of Morrissey's hit home with me in a very personal way. Every song on there was gold to me. It was an album that simultaneously helped me with grief, helped me reemerge from the ashes, and pushed me both into darkness and into light. So many of Morrissey's lyrics and thoughts felt like ones that I had had at some point or other. I guess it had never actually occurred to me that Morrissey was someone I was that similar to. He always had seemed so delicate and pompous in a quiet way, and 80's.

From there, I went back and started listening to The Smiths. Which soon ranked high as one of my favorite bands. And The Smiths are still up at the top. I fucking love The Smiths. Eventually my taste for Morrissey expanded. It's not all grand in the way that The Smiths were, or some of his early albums were – but Morrissey helped me cope with and make light of my own miserable existence. It helped me differentiate myself from the kitchen workers I saw every single day, the lost and boring and repressed people that went about their business everyday. And Morrissey was in some ways very fearless in his time. He wasn't afraid to be soft, something I scarcely recognized in a male dominated culture – and he even seemed to intentionally make himself an easy target to those who were hyper masculine. He was pessimistic and romantic all in one. He wasn't afraid to care about animals or be open. I felt like I was living some kind of nightmare at times, even though I often found ways to enjoy what I was doing – but Morrissey made me realize I was less alone. People had just as miserable and hopeless existences in England throughout the 70's as they did in Idaho. It was all very factory based, very hopeless and gloomy. And yet all these post punk bands and artistic things had started to happen either in spite or because of it - be it new wave, punk, goth, synth and post punk. A lot of people who felt hopeless in their dull rainy factory towns had decided to start making art. It made me see my own life and potential a little differently.

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PART 106 - https://tinyurl.com/ycqhlqsy

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PART 101 - https://tinyurl.com/yafyhse2

PART 100 - https://tinyurl.com/ycvye2n4

My Life Story in Chapters, PARTS 1-100 (this link below will lead you to a list of all the chapters i have written thus far).

http://aleatoryalarmalligator.tumblr.com/post/168782771574/life-story-sections-1-100

#text #writing #life story #long text

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authorracheljoy · 7 years ago

Note

Toni Ask 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 14 15 16 17 18 19 21 22 23 24 25 28 29 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 43 44 45 47 50

1. What is your OC’s favorite color?

Blue!

2. Does your OC collect anything? What do they collect?

Toni collects postcards from the places she visits ^^

3. What kind of things is your OC allergic to?

Nothing! She’s not allergic to anything!

4. What kind of clothing does your OC wear?

Leather jackets, tank tops, leather boots, skinny jeans, did I mention LEATHER??

5. What is your OC’s first memory?

A visit to Coney Island with her family~

6. What’s your OC’s favorite animal? Least favorite?

Favorite: Turtle

Least Favorite: Shark (and for good reason!)

7. What element would your OC be?

Fire! ;)

8. What is your OC’s theme song?

Clarity by Zedd feat. Foxes

9. Do you have a faceclaim / voiceclaim for your OC?

Nope, neither!

10. What deadly sin would best represent your OC?

Envy~

11. What are your OC’s hobbies?

Vampire hunting (it’s not a hobby, it’s her JOB) aaand going clubbing! She also has an appreciation for music and wants to learn how to play piano so does that count as a hobby? No? Well I’m counting it! anyway >:D

12. How patient is your OC? How hot-headed are they?

Mmmm Toni’s pretty impulsive aaand I’d say she’s the biggest hothead in the Agency!

14.What foods does your OC like to eat? What are their least favorite foods?

Toni likes fruity things, like strawberries and cream

Actually, I take that back, she likes various kinds of foods! Especially pizza, though :)

Honestly, I don’t think she has a least favorite food.. she likes food in general!

15. If your OC could have any pet, what would they choose? Why?

Cats are pretty nice ;3c

They’re essentially carefree~

16. What does your OC smell like?

… Vanilla.

17. How do they make a living? What kind of job do they want / not want? What is their dream job? What do they think of their current job?

Toni is a vampire hunter, plain and simple. She has no other real career that she might want (other than maybe a teacher?) I dunno… she tolerates her current job!

18. What are your OC’s greatest fears? Weaknesses? Strengths?

Fears: Avoiding spoilers, I’ll say that Toni has a fear of drowning and losing loved ones!

Weaknesses: She can be extremely reckless! Ya know, rush into things without thinking about the situation first? Kinda bad!

Strengths: Very firm in her beliefs, can be bold and confident at times. She’s definitely not the strongest or smartest hunter of the Agency, but she has her moments, of course :)

19. What kind of music do they listen to? Do they have a favorite song?

She likes alternative pop, and her favorite band reflects my own actually XD Anything by Imagine Dragons!

21. What personal problems/issues do they have? Pet peeves?

Geeze… haven’t I answered this already??

Ehhh whatever.

Personal problems/issues: SPOILER TERRITORY

As for pet peeves? Annoying people/vampires! Oh, and arrogance in general!

22. What kind of student were they/would they be in high school?

Likely Teacher’s Pet!

23. What is a random fact about your OC?

I’ve probably said this multiple times but Toni wants to learn how to play the piano! Her Mom played it occasionally and so it really connects them at times :)

24. What is their outlook on life? What is their philosophy / what do they think in general about living?

Her outlook is pretty good, I’d say. She doesn’t seek death even though she seems so reckless to a lotta people :/ As for life and living, Toni honestly cherishes it

25. What inspired you to create them / how did you create them? Were they originally a fancharacter? What was their personality / design like when you first made them?

Hmm Toni is so much like me when I was a teenager, and I connect with her so much while writing/rewriting so… it’s hard to see if her personality has changed over time? I’d like to think her character has MATURED but what do I know??

28.What kind of nervous habits do they have? Do they stim? Do they have any kinds of addictions?

She tends to fidgets and might bite her nails on or after certain stressful situations.. No addictions at all, though!

29. If they could choose their epitaph for their grave, what would they choose?

Some Shakespeare quote probably XD

32. If they could have one thing in the world, what would it be?

Peace and security!

(oh wait that’s TWO things.. oops well..)

33. Would they ever kill someone? What would someone have to do to push them to kill someone? If they would kill someone, why?

As I said before, Toni cherishes life to the max. If she killed someone, it would have to be a vampire who wasn’t alive anymore and had no humanity left inside them! If that makes sense at all? But.. then again… even Toni isn’t perfect so.

34. What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually?

God, Toni’s a hermit so no.

She has no life besides vampire hunting, I’m sorry to say.

She’s effing BORING!

35. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories?

Toni isn’t as much of a daydreamer as her friend Clary is.. but she still has a rather vivid imagination! Which could be a good thing, or very VERY bad-

And she’s the epitome of living in her memories/the past (sometimes literally! not that that’s a spoiler or anything… SHHH)

36. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain?

OK, I’m sorry to say that I’m drawing the line this time. SPOILER ALERT and I’m not breaking it! Toni’s future in the books is under LOCK AND KEY ‘kay??

37. What’s something that your character does, that other people don’t normally do?

Ehhh I can’t think of anything, whoops!

38. What would your character do with a million dollars?

She’d probably donate it to a good cause/charity since she already gets enough money/grants from the Agency/Order! Hey, they gotta be good for SOMETHING!

39. What is in your characters refrigerator right now? On their bedroom floor? Nightstand? Garbage can?

Refrigerator: Orange juice and a cake that Hannah baked just because~

Bedroom Floor: Boots and worn jeans (has Toni heard of a waste basket? ehh NOPE)

Nightstand: Her Mother’s necklace and (big surprise) a lamp!

Garbage Can: Some Chinese Take-Out that she shared with Ethan~

40. Your character is getting ready for a night out. Where are they going? What do they wear? Who will they be with?

Toni’s likely going on a mission (since she has no life, seriously), probably going to a club or bar or something supernatural-related. She wears her Hunter gear and, more often than not, she’s alone! But sometimes she goes on missions with Ethan and/or Clary so~

41. What does your character do when they’re angry? Why?

Easy: she’ll blow up!

Toni is easily frustrated, and anger is even worse.

42. Does your character have any scars? Where did they get them from?

A coupe of vampire bite marks/scars, especially the one that changed her fate forever and destroyed her family life ;)

Where’d she get it from? I think you KNOW!

43. What was the most offensive thing your character had ever said?

God, she has no filter, so probably something that almost got her killed??

44. How does your character react/ accept criticism?

It really depends on the person giving said criticism.

Like, say that it was Henri? She’d blow it off. What does HE know, after all!

But if it was Ethan? She might actually listen~

Then there’s Stephen, and that situation would never end well. That’s all I’m gonna say XD

45.If your character was given a slice of pineapple pizza and they HAD to eat it (or something bad would happen), how would they react? Do they even LIKE pineapple pizza?

Fuck yeah, she likes pineapple pizza!

What idiot DOESN’T!

(it’s probably because I myself like that kind of pizza?)

47. Can your character draw? What do they like to draw? Do they doodle?

Toni has very little artistic talent, so NO XD

She might doodle for a bit, though~

50. If your character was presented with imminent and unavoidable death/fatality, how would they react? Would they try to avoid death anyways? Would they try to make their last days count?

The answer to this kinda reflects my answer for Ethan? Like.. Toni would accept it for sure.. unless it ended in vampirism? Then fuck that shit!

Wow… you know I’m tired when I start swearing in my asks XD Sorry, Friendo.. thanks for the ask, though

#Rachel Writes #ocs #my ocs #Toni Drake #RJ City #RJ #The Hunters Saga #Friendo #peaceonwheels #oc asks

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jojuarez26 · 7 years ago

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Because I do Part 6

Divergent fanfiction AU. Eric/OC Mature content and strong language. Possible triggers for talks of abuse, drug use and mental health issues. I don't own any part of Divergent.

When we arrive at the picnic, gone is the fun free spirited Eric from Four and Tris's or the sweet loving Eric of this morning. Now I have the stoic owner of Dauntless Security.

I'm ok with that though. I would never try to, nor would I want to change who Eric is at the core or in the public eye. Package deal right? Guess that's why so many others before me never had a chance. Hell I never even asked for one. But, I'm taking it.

I did notice I tried to let go of his hand as Eric held on tighter. He never looked back, just a firm squeeze, that and he continued to drag me along.

The stares and whispers didn't go unnoticed, neither did Eric's death glare. Tris rescued the day with James though. Love that cute kid and his bad ass, awesome mom. This also meant a little less tense Eric.

"ERWICK!! Hi! Hi! Hi!" James ran full tilt at his favorite buddy.

"Hey dude! Where's daddy?" He really more asked Tris.

""Over by the food of course. Where else would his ass be." Tris rolled her eyes. Apparently Four has a fear of heights so no rides for the most part.

"Nanelle wooks tot today Erwick,"James giggles while Tris whispers in his ear.

"I think so too buddy." He says high fiving the toddler.

"Y'all are terrible," I laughed shaking my head.

I get a quick kiss and Eric is off to mingle with the employees. They all seem to really like and respect their bosses. Although Tris says they all also know how to stay the hell out of their ways when they are pissed off.

Soon I am introduced to Shauna. Zeke's wife. Nice gal but they have a new baby, I try not to get to close and all but run away when asked if I'd like to hold her.

"Danielle? Are you ok?" Tris asked after tracking me down.

"Fine. Another story for another day," I tell her while standing at the edge of the park.

"Promise?" She ask carefully.

"Yes," I tell her fighting back tears.

I feel strong arms wrap around my waist from behind as soft lips ghost my temple. I look up giving Eric a weak smile. Tris gives my shoulder a pat and walks away seeing I'm not alone.

"Baby what's bothering you?" He whispers in my ear.

I try to shrug nonchalantly, however he isn't having any of that shit. I get turned around with head tilted up to look into his eyes.

"I will ask you again. What's bothering you?" He ask sternly this time.

"I will tell you the same thing I told Tris. Another story for another day," I answer just as sternly in my own right.

"Fine. You'll come back over to where everyone else is at least for now though?" He sounds more concerned at this point.

I just nod and let him lead me back to the table of his family and friends. It doesn't help I shut my phone off after sixteen anonymous calls with as many voicemails. Pete is at it again. Think it may be time to give Eric a little more history about my x-husband. Including the fact he is actually my x-husband and not just my x. Spouse's aren't forced to testify against each other.......

A few hours in it looks like a band is setting up to play. Only the band seems to be Four, Eric, Will and Peter. Will is in tech prototype and the husband of Christina. Peter is an out of state hire who's wife nobody seems too like.

"The sing and play instruments too?" I asked wondering if there is any talent these men don't posses.

"Among other things they are singing, guitar playing fools. Peter plays drums and Will plays anything with keys on it as far as piano, keyboards and what not." Tris informs me.

I suddenly feel holes being bored in my back. I look back to see Peters wife with their two children. She is giving me a once over and a nasty glare

"What the fuck is that about?" I nod my head in her direction.

"Nobody has told you?" Christina laughs.

"Obviously not," I shot back.

"She got drunk at the Christmas party and tried to seduce Eric last year. He told Peter to put his bitch on a leash and buy her a damn muzzle or he could ship her whore ass right back to Piedmont, North Dakota. Needless to say any female who even looks like that have Eric's attention gets that look," Christina informs me.

"I wouldn't worry about it too much. She is no prize to be won that's for sure," Shauna throws in.

The music starts to flow right about this point. I have to admit they're pretty damn good. Surprisingly both Eric and Four have pretty good voices and they are all getting it on their instruments. I have to admit, it's a bit of a turn on watching Eric up there. I think it is for all the wives as well. Well except for Peter's, that bitch still looks like she swallowed a lemon while rubbing sand paper on her crotch. Oh well, her loss if she isn't enjoying herself.

I realize in the moment I stopped paying attention these fools call for me to come up and sing. While furiously shaking my head no and digging my heels in, Four drags my ass up there.

So he and I sing a little Kid Rock and Cheryl Crow. I also sing Suds in the bucket by Sara Evans before escaping back to the safety of the table. However I did receive heavy rounds of applause.

"Lady! Where the hell did you learn to sing like that?!" Tris smiled excited.

"I grew up in middle class suburbia with nothing but bowling, roller skating and karaoke to do on Friday and Saturday night's." I shrugged with a smile.

"Shitty bowler, ok skater but excellent at karaoke," I laughed.

"We'll have to take her bowling next time then," Shauna says and we all laugh.

As the night wound down James was getting tired, so was I. Tris was going to drop me off. Eric and Tobias had clean up to do still, company owners, over achievers and all.

"Tris has all the security codes to let you in and lock you back in. She'll show how the security system works. You sure you're ok to go back alone," Eric's mother hen was kicking in as he kept running a hand threw my hair.

"Yes sir. I will be just fine." I kiss his cheek.

"I love it when you call me sir," he whispered biting my ear.

"Ok down tiger," I try to bite back a small moan.

Kissing me deeply enough to take my breath away he sends me on my way with a swat to my ass. He really seems to like my ass. Tris laughed shaking her head, but she didn't get away much better off from Four.

I finally turn my phone back on in the car. Thirty-five missed calls and messages. Probably time to change my number again. I sighed heavily.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Tris asked carefully. I know it was in hopes of not scaring me out of a few answers.

"Ok. Therapy session number one," I sigh. However discuss something that isn't on my mind. "In high school I was the perfect princess. Every girl wanted to be me, every guy wanted to date me. Smartest in my grade, head cheerleader, volleyball captain," I sighed heavily. I hated telling people my dirty laundry.

"Charlie Anderson asked me out my freshman year. My male equivalent, just a grade a head of me. We dated all threw right up to his senior year," I stopped reflecting a moment.

"He got in a college far away and broke up with you didn't he?" Tris asked sadly. I laughed, hard.

"Oh that's not even the half of it. He got in at Berkley. The week before he left he asked me out on a special date. Everyone assumed he was proposing, even our parents," I felt the tears sting and looked out the window.

"Fancy dinner in Grand Haven on the pier over looking Lake Michigan at sunset. Beautiful, perfection. He proceeded to thank me for helping build his image over the years and being the perfect girlfriend. However all good things must come to end. He wanted a clean and clear slate for college. Oh and he had been fucking my best friends older sister for years because my ass didn't seem to know how to put out," I laughed darkly at the memory.

"Oh my God. Danielle what did you do. Or say," Tris asked appalled.

I wiped a stray tear away and turned smiling proudly. "I broke his nose, threw the keys to his new BMW into Lake Michigan and called my older brother to come pick me up," I grinned evily.

"Hell yes girl. Then what happened?" She grinned wildly.

"I worked all summer to pay back the $500 it cost to get the electric key cut after hours and wallowed in self pity while going from the IT girl to the town pariah. The fool to smart to have common sense to know exactly how the queen would fall," my voice cracked slightly.

This opening up shit with Tris was easier than I thought. Didn't mean the memories hurt any less. It was going to be a long painful weekend, I could already feel it......

@pathybo @tigpooh67 @lunaschild2016 @emmysrandomthoughts @jaihardy @clublulu333 @beautifulramblingbrains @badassbaker @badassdauntlessgirl @iammarylastar @kenzieam @kiiiimberlyriiiicker1995 @scorpio2009 @mom2reesie @readsalot73 @captstefanbrandt @beltzboys2015-blog @sporadichologramblizzard-ed17414 @elaacreditava @softpapers @cherry-blossom99 @dani5102 @ericdauntless @dauntlessqueen99 @girlslovestorys

#jai courtney #eric coulter #divergent eric #eric coulter fanfiction #eric divergent fanfiction #eric insurgent #because i do

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kaeppsong-your-life · 7 years ago

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Shadowhunters 2x18 review/thoughts/feelings

I don't do these publicly at all, and I have no friends to talk about it so I just threw all I felt here. It came out horribly long but I needed to let it out. I’m no expert by the way, and english isn’t my first language so go easy on me. Let me know what you guys think! Maybe I’ll do another for the next episode if I feel like it.

I applaud Amanda Row and Jamie Gorenberg for executing an episode so wonderfully, first and foremost. The amount of attention of detail and overall “groundness” is phenomenal. The lighting was perfect in almost all the scenes (something that I undeniably had an issue with in 2a but has gotten so much better in 2b), not only because you could actually see the people in the screen but because it added to the emotion of the scenes. The music selection was just great and the editing was smooth. These are things that people don’t realize really affects viewing experience. Lighting, music and editing play a large roll on the emotions the creator wants viewers to feel and it was so well executed so THANK YOU for that, really.

There were many things happening in this episode so I’ll go one by one, not really in chronological order.

We have Maia and Simon dealing with a mundane-turning-werewolf. A very interesting topic because it adds more knowledge on how this world works, hence expanding it in my opinion. The only people we’ve seen experiencing such a physical change has been Simon. Clary as well, but she kinda upgrades into something that is revered. I absolutely love that they didn’t leave it at that and they used this opportunity to delve more into Maia’s character. Alisha performance was on the nose in her monologue, and it’s this scene that makes Maia a regular in the show. I saw some people who haven’t read the books asking why she is to become so and I believe this will shone light as to why. Her past (hopefully) makes viewers understand why she is the way she is, why she seemed to see the worst immediately in the people around her and why she cares and respects Luke and the pack. She isn’t just a character there to push the plot anymore, the plot will not be able move without her eventually and this was a great way to start bringing her in. I loved it. (Also, Jordan can choke....for now)

While on the topic of werewolves we have Luke proving his alpha status when he is challenged (to the death) for the position. Did anyone doubt he wouldn’t come through? I didn’t, but it was so needed to see on screen. Luke is known to be wise and maure (expect when it comes to keeping certain important meetings in places where they should be held- a more hidden place, maybe? One that no random mundanes can stroll into?) and it showed how he is a great leaders for the wolves. I just truly hope in season three we explore why is that, because I stand by my belief that it has a lot to do with the fact that he was a shadowhunter before a downworlder. His character is so complex and needs to be addressed more, please and thank you.

In the Institute things are tense. Since the show’s main plot is about the mortal instruments, I’m so so so glad we finally got to it. We’ve been running in circles for long enough in my opinion and wow, did they not disappoint. Let’s be real, the whole mortal instruments and Valentine’s schemes are very complicated and not easy to unfold so I was worried, but it was great. I actually really liked that they went with the ruse of the compact mirror because it added a bit of humor (all of this for a compact mirror, really?) and throwing off us book readers for a bit.

Oh, Jonathan. It was lovely to see you actually panic, even if it was just a little while. Will’s acting is so good, wow! I can’t believe the way he just grabs your attention and makes you feel pity, disgust and rage all the same time. He is taking on a massively complex character and puling it off magnifically. I have no idea how he does it but he makes viewers experience Jonathan, not just watch him. We are not physically in the story but I bet I’m not the only one that feels like he makes me feel like I’m with him. He is terrifying and you feel it to your bones when he is on screen, I love it.

What I don’t love is how he hurts our youngest (possibly smartest) Lightwood. In true @abnormallyadam fashion, “don’t fuck with the Lightwoods.” (A motto that I feel would be the focus of the next episodes). Max ends in critical condition and the tension can be felt strongly. I feel like Jonathan got too cocky (serves him) when he thought he would die on his own, and our baby is alright. I personally don’t know how I feel about this per se yet. I’m very torn, as a person with a heart I’m glad an innocent kid gets to live, but I also truly belief that the Lightwood’s need his death to develop more, especially Isabelle. We’ve explored the cheating and the horrible way of raising and caring their children. Besides dealing with the clave against their morals, there isn’t mush else to get into right now, a sense of revenge and guilt and strength at full scale would be great. However the show’s not done, he might still die...or maybe he doesn't and their sense of family is so deep that just this injury and close call is enough to propel them into the path I want them to take.

IMPORTANT: I’m aware Jace got the least screentime and it’s easy to gloss over the little scenes he had but I love the way he reacted to this situation. We’ve spent this whole season with him dealing with his identity and the way he was just as affected by Max’s situation as the rest of the family speaks volumes. Dom has said this but this really shows how no matter the last name, Jace is a Lightwood. This is his family, he cares for them and would do anything for them. His character plays off the bad boy and cocky part well but deep down he is just this kid that was abused as a child by the person he believed was his father, only to be given away. These people took him in and gave him everything and he doesn’t give a damn about no mortal instrument when his family comes to harm.

Clary is smart, I’ve always known this. She was great in this episode, not annoying but smart and actually productive (wow). I’m so pleased with the way she handled her brother. I was afraid she would continue with the whole redemption thing but holy shit the girl didn’t hesitate!!! I’m so proud of her. Clary is a character that has so much potential, but past writing has made her come off and annoying and jarringly in the way. Hope this rationally and smart lady stays around.

And now, to the shit that actually made me sit down and write this: Magnus (Not malec per se, sorry).

I’m a huge malec shipper, everyone knows that. It is undeniable how good they are together, this isn’t up for discussion. However, I love Magnus Bane more (that says a lot).

As a character he is so interesting to me because despite being arguably the most magical in the show, he is so human. He feels and feels and feels. He is so compassionate and good despite having centuries worth of experiences and reasons to be bad, and I feel like this episode put this in the spotlight (finally). Magnus is a leader and as one he has duties to fulfill. Duties that I feel, he has been neglecting.

Now, I do believe you can have a balance between duty and love, Alec being a perfect example. The guy obviously loves Magnus, but hasn’t turn back from his duty. I feel like Magnus has come to realize he needs to do the same. Through the situation they’re in, Magnus has learned that he can’t focus on love only and I believe that in a future situation that he can’t focus on duty only either. He is smart, he will probably get that balance is key, I just don’t know fast.

A separation is the least we want for these two but it is time for Magnus to show how human he is. I read somewhere how someone was annoyed at the fact that he walked away because they didn’t believe there wasn’t that big of a reason to do so, and it felt like he was running away cowardly. While I don’t agree with everything in that statement (a conflicting nature of race and ways of living is a big reason to put a relationship on hold) , I do believe there is a part of Magnus that is running away. He is so scared. He loves this shadowhunter so much, more than he expected or has before, and he’s afraid of the power Alec has over him (whether he knows it or not). In other words: CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!! Also, they parting so reluctantly and maturely speaks volumes of the health of this relationship and I'm so glad they didn’t go for a petty route for it.

The flashbacks were so perfect and needed. Up until now, we’ve all loved malec because we know they are more than a kiss on a wedding or representation on a show and we finally got all that more on screen. Seeing, how much they love each other or better yet, feeling how much they love each other is so needed. I got tears in eyes because of these flashbacks. I got tears, not only because of happiness because of their happiness but because the world now gets to see how a lgbtq+ couple is just two people falling in love, fears and all, not unlike your typical straight couples out there.

The details in these flashbacks captivated me! I’m so glad I’m not the only one that noticed the way they used a rose, a charm, or just hands to transition seemingly into these beautiful scenes. In them, we see first two people confused on why they trust each other and feel things for a person they are well aware they shouldn’t feel such things for. The long awaited first time, showing how innocently giddy they were to explore each other in a way they hadn’t before. This wasn’t just about having sex, it was about wanting to be as close as possible to a person, the fear with that want, and acceptance. In a way, these flashbacks let us peek into their vulnerability and that is powerful.

I seriously give it up for Matt and Harry for the phenomenal work they did in this episode. It isn’t easy to have to portray so many drastically different parts of their characters in one episode. Going from sorrowful, conflicted, reluctant and resigned, to guarded and confused; from giddy, happy, and hopeful, to fearful, ashamed, and accepting. Just wow. It was so amazing how you can tell how much they care for this characters and I appreciate that a lot.

I layed in bed yesterday thinking and thinking about this episode and as I write this I’m teary. I am not part of the community, but knowing that people of the lgbtq+ community will look to their screens and finally be able to see themselves in it in a positive light just moves me to tears. I feel a weight in my chest of all the emotion because there are people out there that feel like they are alone and that what they feel is wrong. This episode is for all of you. Here’s to more equality in this show, please, shadowhunters.

#shadowhunters #freeform #2x18 #review #thoughts #malec #magnus bane #alec lightwood #Alexander Lightwood #lightwood

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mythicalmythos · 7 years ago

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Princess stories I wish I’d had as a child.

(So this wound up being about twice as long as planned but it feels good to finally get it all out there)

Okay so, this has kind of been bouncing around in my head since I saw Wonder Woman over the summer.

I grew up watching Disney movies and I am a huge Disney nerd to this day but the older I get the more I come to realize that as much as I love the Disney princess movies, I can’t really support some of their messages, intentional or not, as a woman in her 20s out of college, as I could in the past, even in high school.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that the movies are a product of their time, and for a long time in our society the main path a girl’s life took was grow up, meet a boy, get married, have lots of babies. There was a huge amount of focus on maintaining the white picket fence life in America. Though we as women have made huge strides since the first Disney movie was produced, I feel like entertainment media takes a while to catch up to the changes society makes, especially media who’s target audience is made up of mostly kids.

In spite of all of this I think that Walt Disney himself was in favor of gender equality, even if it might not have been in the same manor and degree that we have today. He and his company made their mark on the world by making movies about female protagonists. Yes, you can argue that the women portrayed in the movies aren’t great role models and I agree with you. However, even in “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” the main conflict is between two women. (Messed up and vain though that conflict may be.) Then in 1946, Disney produced a short film called “The Story of Menstruation. That’s right. Disney made a short film that gives accurate health information about periods in FUCKING 1946. While it is not perfect (come on it’s post-War, women are still expected to marry and have babies), it explains periods in accurate and scientific language and most importantly, emphasizes that periods are a normal and healthy (if annoying) part of every uterus-possessing human’s life. In 1946! I didn’t even realize that this existed until I was in college and I didn’t believe the friend who told me about it until they pulled it up and made me watch it. Why wasn’t this used or even mentioned in sex ed growing up? Though it is old and doesn’t really explain sex past mentioning that it is necessary for pregnancy to occur, it still is just a good jumping off point as anything I was shown/told as a pre-teen. Come on, this is a great resource to show a child who is asking the early questions about puberty (which happens way earlier than any parent is ready for. I myself was a very curious child and asked a lot of embarrassing questions WAY before my parents thought they would have to answer any of them.)

Okay, that was more than I thought I had to say on that but anyways, back to the Princess movies themselves. The one that I have the biggest problem with is “The Little Mermaid.” I know “Sleeping Beauty” is pretty bad too with the whole ‘unconscious therefor unable to give consent thing’ but honestly that for whatever reason doesn’t get to me like Ariel’s story does.

Before I totally start ragging on this movie let me just say I really loved this movie for a long time. I’m very musical and the music is amazing. I grew up singing them and “Poor Unfortunate Souls” is in my top 10 villain songs. (Also Ursula is based on a famous drag queen named Divine, which is awesome.) I love all of the songs in this movie, even the forgettable one at the beginning. But once you string them together with the rest of the story, I just can’t get behind the final product anymore. A few years ago, my mom showed me a video that Mayim Bialik posted on her YouTube channel where she talks about how she reacted to the movie (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-9pm8Zy7SY). At first I thought ‘okay she has a point but it’s still a classic story’ then I started to think about it off and on in the back of my mind, along with reading and looking into the original story by H. C. Anderson (which, not exactly a kids story, be prepared for a lot of questions and blood). And I slowly came to realize that I can’t support showing this movie to my own kids someday without first having a serious talk about self-respect. No one should be told that they have to change a fundamental part of who they are or their body to find “love”. REAL “True Love” is accepting and unconditional, fish tail and all.

So where exactly does Wonder Woman come into all of this? Well back when I saw it in June, I was a bit hesitant because I’ve always kind of written WW off because of her outfit. Not my finest choice I’ll admit, but, nerd though I am, I never have been big into comic books or the Justice League cartoons (though Teen Titans with Raven and Starfire was one of my favorites. It hasn’t been until more recently that I have really come to appreciate the superhero genre.) But when I heard that WW was getting her own big screen story, I was intrigued. I didn’t know much going in, though I had high hopes. I’m a bit embarrassed to say I went partially because of Chris Pine because I tend to enjoy the projects he picks. But when I saw the movie, I was blown away. Not that the movie doesn’t have its weak spots for me (Ares took quite a bit of convincing). But as I came out of the theater I finally understood why my brothers love superhero movies. Seeing a woman (or in this case, a lot of women) on screen kicking butt, making their own stories, and being general badasses gave me this surge of confidence that I could do anything I set my mind to. This is a movie I didn’t know I was missing until I saw it. The more I read about how Patty Jenkins went about creating the world of Themyscira, like hiring a range of women of color, female body builders, weightlifters and wrestlers, it didn’t even occur to me that muscles on women are often considered ugly by our society. These women had bodies that reflected the work that they put in everyday and the power and strength that they possess. They are beautiful and send a beautiful message to young girls that they can be anything damn social standards of gender roles and beauty.

So I saw WW months ago and had talked to my friends about it but my thoughts and the powerful message stayed mostly in my head until now. Why? Well, I was several videos deep in a YouTube binge about a week and a half ago when I came across one from ScreenRant called “10 Rejected Princesses that Actually Exist” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3PUQtHXbiE). Now seeing as I am a total sucker for a title like that, naturally I open the video. Expecting stories from different mythos and legends from around the world (like the original Little Mermaid) I was very surprised to learn that this list was mostly made up of real women from different cultures around the world. Yes, there are a few legends and myths thrown in but mostly these women actually existed.

So turns out that this video is in fact based on a book written by a guy named Jason Porath, an ex-Dreamworks animator, who, following a bet at work, decided that these women needed to have their stories told. Some time and a book deal later “Rejected Princesses” was born. A collection of 100 stories about badass women who changed their worlds. (http://www.rejectedprincesses.com/)

I’m only about half way through but the more of the book I read the more I wish someone had given me this book as a kid. Mind you, not all of these stories are 100% appropriate (some of the ones at the end of the book are 5 on a 1-5 scale for maturity.) for every little kid but the fact that this book exists and tells real stories without shying away from the real situations that these women lived through is an amazing thing. There are women of color, lesbian and bi- women and probably many more as I haven’t finished the book yet. Haha (Trying to read three books at once is not my smartest life decision.)

The older I get, the more I see things in my childhood that reinforced the more traditional male/female gender roles on me. My parents never told me I couldn’t do something just because I was a girl and they have always encouraged me to learn and do well in school, especially they encouraged my interest in science. But as things like WW and “Rejected Princesses” come to my attention I realize that just because I didn’t realize their influence was missing doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it. I remember having few role models in media and always being told to let the boys do the physical stuff instead of me.

It is not enough to simply tell girls and women they can do anything and be anything they want. We have to give them examples and role models to show that they come from a long line of capable, independent, smart, strong, badass women and the keys to the kingdom are theirs to take and explode into the world with.

#wonder woman #badass women #rejected princesses #disney

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theloniuswomb-blog · 7 years ago

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Spiderman: Homecoming Can Suck My Fucking Dick.

Holy Shit. Where do I even start with this film? I wanted to like it a lot. I was intrigued by the casting of Tom Holland as Spider Man. He came off well in the Marvel Civil War movie, I remember thinking to myself; “Hey! His part was funny! Just the right amount of awkward, slash, comical that I instantly recognize as Spider Man. Awesome!” Now, I usually have doubts about any superhero adaption since the hit to miss ratio is all over the place, but this I thought could work quite nicely. I saw the trailer, and like the little whore that I am, it got me wet. Wet hot with sexual anticipation. The CGI looked impressive. The action sequences looked crisp and innovative, the tone of the shots were dark and brooding. I expected drama, emotion and a plot-line that, although may not be the most original, could perhaps come through with some good acting and a tight script; with some inspired direction thrown in for good measure. This was the package I was creating for myself in my brain. My golden goose's egg. And, much like Verruca Salt, I made a big song and dance about it to everyone, throwing glitter and sheets of colored plastic all over the room. But also like Verruca Salt, I also got hit with the trap door. A trap door that golden eggs get shat down, and so do we, right along with em; to burn for all eternity while Gene Wilder laughs at our scorched bodies. First off, let's start with the tone of the movie. It doesn't have one. It has no idea what kind of movie it wants to be. It's got this light hearted vibe when Spidey is around that feels completely alien to the murky goings on of the Vulture. You get scenes where Peter Parker is walking through the school, drooling over hot girls in the most forced and gormless way. (SPOILER: Most of the film is of Tom Holland looking gormless at everyone around him.) Juxtaposed with Michael Keaton straight up killing people in the most nonchalant way possible. It's kind of infuriating, it was like there were two movies going on in tandem and neither of them had any particular relevance to the other. I must say, Michael Keaton gave a fairly decent performance, but he could have been used so much better. I saw Birdman recently (something I couldn't ignore as a massive, quite probably intended irony of Keaton's career) and I was impressed. I had problems with that film too (But I'll leave that for another review) but overall the acting was really fucking solid. Like I say, I was impressed. But obviously, good acting doesn't matter anymore for films like this. I honestly thought the newer incarnations of Batman would have taught a lesson to the makers of these kinds of movies. But obviously not. Let's get to Peter. Peter is the most insufferable character ever. He's meant to be very smart, yet doesn't use his brain once. Not only does he not use his brain to problem solve, but he doesn't use it for introspection at all. The amount of times he puts other people's lives at risk in this movie is astounding. If this feature of the plot was used as a tool to move Peter's character forward as he matures into a new and exciting world, I can forgive this whole problem. In fact, that's kind of what I wanted to see. Progression. But it never comes. Spider Man sees bad guys robbing the bank. He attacks, not even stopping when he realizes they have incredibly powerful weapons. He carries on and ends up blowing up a deli over the street of a man that earlier in the movie is established, that he knows. Not once does he show any remorse for this horrible incident. He ruined a man's career, livelihood, and potentially could have killed him if he happened to live above the shop.

In another instance, Parker sees bad guys driving; he attacks them on the highway where loads of other people could die from all the high tech weapons going off at high speeds. He knew the types of weapons they had but did it anyway. He could have followed them to their destination, found out where the base was, who was involved in the organization and work out a plan. He could even find out the buyers if he cased them for a few weeks. But this thought never crosses Peters mind. It's just attack all problems in the face until they die. I mean fuck, this is a whiz kid of physics and science, some of the most logical shit ever. Yet he can't even think up a simple fucking plan to take on his enemies? Honestly, it's so hard to relate to Peter in this movie. You'd have to be some kind of autistic sociopath in order to find him tolerable. After a while Tony Stark comes along. Fuck me, Robert Downey Jr. couldn't give one flying fuck about this movie. And it showed like hell. His whole character in the film was just him playing himself not caring in various tropical places. I honestly believe Tony Stark represented how little of a fuck the writers and director cared about this film. He was a direct mouthpiece for the writers of the movie to say “fuck you” to the audience. Honestly, every time Parker fucked up, Tony would say “Oi, Parker, stop fuckin around!” but never explains why. He never says “Hey, you could have killed people back there! Are you insane?” instead he half asses his reasons and when Parker questions him on it he just says “because I said so.” Like fuck, you'd think after the first time Spidey fucks up, that's the time to sit down and talk. Jesus Christ should you even wait for a first-time-fuck-up in this scenario? Tony Stark, one of the smartest men alive, waits for Spidey to fuck up three times, THREE TIMES, with the third seeing spider man nearly sinking a whole ship of people due to his negligence. Hundreds would have died. It's incredible.

So, Iron Man finally gives some punishment after this. He takes away Parkers new shiny Stark Spidey Suit, to which Parker says “I'm nothing without that suit!” to which Stark replies; “if you're nothing without this suit, you don't deserve it.” or something to that effect. Instead of Peter having a moment of clarity and saying “fuck, people nearly died, I nearly died. Maybe I need to switch up my game and show Iron Man I'm more mature than this. Show I can use some strategy and grow into this role I'm destined to have and finally use my genius brain to devise a plan.” Nope. That's wishful thinking partner and you can get shot around here for that kinda talk. Instead what we get is Parker learning nothing, and him creating some kind of device that allows him to go out and fuck up even faster and directly than before. They use some kind of tracker map to find the Vulture, who is breaking into an airplane full of Stark weapons. An Iron Suit included. Now, what the actual fuck? I don't know if the Vulture knows this, but Iron Man can remotely control his suits. If one were stolen, you can bet your bottom dollar he'd activate it and cane your operation into next week. But the Vulture MUST have known that, since he remotely controlled his own mechanical wings to try and kill Parker earlier in the movie. So what in the actual fuck is this man doing? He's inviting Iron Man into his lair. Willingly. It's the most stupid thing ever. It also gives so little motivation for Parker to do anything about the situation. Once he realizes it's Stark tech, he should have left. Because Parker also knows Iron Man remotely controls his suits, there's a whole scene that points this out near the beginning of the film for fuck's sake. The Vulture would have been a goner immediately upon the knowledge of the hijacking. It's easily the most retarded part of the film. So Spidey decides to go all-in despite knowing Iron Man could easily kill this guy remotely and nearly ends up causing this plane to crash all over the city, no doubt killing thousands of people. In fact, an engine falls out while they're fighting on the plane's wings. Parker shows no regard for that at all. No remorse for the people that no doubt were killed by the falling debris. Fortunately, Spidey manages to use his webs to bend the out-of-control plane wing and steer them to safety. (Well, he crashes the plane into a sandbank.) He takes down the Vulture and leaves him tangled at the scene old school Spidey style, with a note to boot. Wow. How amazing. And he did it all without his shiny suit! He overcame so many obstacles and shortcomings, we really went on a journey there with old Petey boy there. Oh wait, that was the film I was daydreaming about while I was being shat on by this movie. Upon Stark learning of this situation, he instantly has Spider Man brought to the new headquarters of the Avengers, where he was about to announce Spider Man as a new, key member, along with an even better shiny suit. Like, what? Seriously? This kid needs a dressing down, not a new three piece. But it doesn't come. All we get is Parker declining the offer, you get a mild sense that he realizes that he's in over his head, and maybe this is all a bit much for him. But it's not really expressed very well. It all feels so odd and disjointed. I mean here we have Iron Man, the guy who cared about people dying from collateral damage in Civil War; who hunted down the Winter Soldier because he was a danger to the public, (who also for some reason killed Tony's parents,) caused a rift with the current most powerful heroes and his teammates, as he also wanted them to register their identities to an official data base to help reign them in and hold them accountable. Yet for some reason Tony couldn't give the time of day to say “Hey kid, tone it down you're getting crazy out there.” I'll stop ragging on the film soon, but before I do, I want to mention the love interest. This was one of the most wooden romances I've ever seen. No chemistry. She was called Lizzy. It turns out Mary Jane is the other sarcastic girl who makes the closest things to jokes in the movie. Which I liked, but they didn't do nearly enough with. Again, there was an opportunity for him to grow with this character, have his attention turned to MJ, have him realize this Lizzy girl was a bit vacuous and boring, while this other girl was interesting and fun. But again it didn't happen. Instead, Lizzy moves away because of plot reasons that I won't give away, and MJ is merely hinted at as the new romance for the next film. Which is fucking boring. Honestly, it's so dull. I hated all the romance scenes. I wanted to like them, I mean shit, the girl was so hot. They even get an ass shot of her in her bikini. I was like “wow these are meant to be 15-year-old kids, what are they thinking? Isn’t this inappropriate for a kids movie?” (They are not 15-year-old kids, just to clarify. But for the plot, they were). They could have used this screen time to have Peter reflecting on his Uncle Ben, or bonding with his Aunty. Who, in my opinion, should have been told about the Spider Man thing. I think her knowing earlier in the film would have been a good dynamic to use. He should have told her right away after his first fuck up. I know it might deviate from traditional Spider Man lore, but as a film, it would've been a much more interesting watch. Aunt May is such a central figure to the Spider Man universe, as is the Uncle Ben storyline, but neither are given any sort of focus. Overall this film is garbage. In true Warski style, it was Garbage. Full on trash. I hated Guardians of the Galaxy less, and that's saying something. That is really saying something. Because that movie was awful. For Spider Man I have to say: the overall plot was good, but there were so many missed opportunities that it became more like a midlife crisis by the end. The choices to make for this story seemed so obvious, it was almost like they were purposefully not taking the logical steps in the narrative in order to make this movie as painful as possible. (Because the razor wire they'd jammed way up in your ass, to the tune of £13.50 for 3D, just wasn't quite painful enough.) Fuck this movie, nobody should see it, I hope it fucking bombs in the box office. Which it won't because, like the little whores that we are, we're all just gonna fan-boy for Spidey like we always do. I honestly regret spending money on this. Don't even buy the DVD, it's not worth it.

Before I go I need to mention something else; humor. Peter was not funny. He had moments of fun, sure. But he was not funny. Peter Parker is witty. He is known for wit, not fun. Again, this could have been used as a plot device to show his coping mechanism for dealing with such raw shit all the time. He exudes wit and comedy in the face of danger, then behind closed doors doubts himself. Like fuck, is a 15-16 year old really meant to be doing this shit? Getting involved in weapon trafficking and the criminal world after his Uncle Ben being shot and killed? As an aside, thank god they didn't make us re-live Uncle Ben's death. I was glad they kept that as a past event that we didn't need to see. One of the few good touches of the film. You could say it was like wiping just a bit of shit off your arse with your finger. There's not quite as much shit there anymore, but now it's on your finger, so. There you go. So, what's my ultra biased and not subjective at all, star rating for this film? 1.5 out of 5. Some action was good, the 3D sucked, the acting sucked, the writing sucked, the CGI was good, Michael Keaton was good, everyone else didn't give a shit and ultimately it showed. Don't see this film. Boycott it harder than Isreal.

#spider man #spider-man: homecoming #dog shit

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faithlovealyssa · 8 years ago

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5 Year Recap: Love Remains the Same

Five years later and here we are making a full circle, back to where we started.If you would have asked me five years ago where my life would be at right now, I don’t know what I would have told you, but I know it wouldn’t have been anything close to what is actually going on right now.

Quick recap: when I started this blog, I was madly in love with my high school sweetheart, Jason. I ruined our relationship by showing interest in another person (which was honestly for the best because I have learned so much about myself since then). By the time I fully committed to Jason being my only choice, it was much too late. I broke his heart and when I tried to put the pieces back together, he wouldn’t let me anywhere near them.

After losing my mom in 2012, I decided to take some time off of going to college to figure out my priorities. I have regrets about making this choice, but shit happens and you don’t dwell... you put on your big girl pants and move the fuck on. After dating a total loser named James my senior year of high school, I broke up with him, and decided to focus on myself. For almost four years now, I’ve managed to stay single (excluding sex obviously [I said I needed to focus on myself not punish myself, judge me jeez]). This may not seem like a big deal... but four whole years single is a major accomplishment for me.

Anyways, after having a huge falling out with my dad in September 2015, I moved in with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. It was a bittersweet choice to move away from my dad, but I honestly think it’s the smartest decision I ever made to save the little bit of relationship we have left. Even though I moved 30 minutes further from my job, I continued to work at the Tilted Kilt in Joliet. I met some of the best friends I ever could have asked for there. I also met a guy there, Bobby. The moment I laid eyes on this guy I knew he was 100% my type (a complete fuck boy that loves to play games). After getting to know him better, I boldly *girl power* gave him my phone number without him even asking (who the fuck am I and what have I done with myself? LIKE FOR REAL, GO ME!!) The more time I spent with Bobby, the more infatuated I became with him. I thought about him all the time and got so comfortable with him so quick, I almost didn’t know how to act. He was the total package, fine as fuck (and I mean FINE like for real GOD DAMN), tatted (tatted), funny, older, interested in the same things as me, a cop (can you say sexy?!), and only lived 20 minutes from me (can you say convenient??). He was all around perfect, EXCEPT he was missing one key trait... he didn’t even for one millisecond give a flying fuck about me at all. He loved being with me, and taking me places and showing me off, and you guessed it.. he LOVED fucking me, but not once did he ever look at me and make me feel like all the time I had been investing wasn’t going to waste. And the reason behind that is because it was. Once I finally took off the blinders and popped the stupid bubble I was walking around in, I came to my senses and ended things. I won’t lie, it was hard.. fuck it was really hard. But it was the right thing to do and I know I am better because of it.

In June of 2016 I moved into my very first apartment, paid for completely by me. (I am currently patting myself on the back for this one) I have one roommate, Katelyn, who at times [always] made living with her very difficult. BUT in May of 2017 I will be moving with my bestfriend Lily (oh beeteedubs forgot to mention I got myself a dog in December of 2016) to CHICAGO!!! I am more than excited for a fresh start and also full of pride for being able to push myself to make my dreams come true.

With all of these changes that have taken place over the years, you would think that everything is different, and for the most part this is true, but one thing that’s still the same... FIVE. YEARS. LATER. - Jason.

You’ve heard time and time again that every time he comes home, we somehow (almost) always end up hooking up, then he leaves again and I’m heartbroken for the 8657876473684th time (lowkey this number probably isn’t too far off, I’ve had my heart broken by Jason more times than I thought possible). Well this Christmas was the LAST straw (do you believe me?). SO before he even came home we both decided to put all of our differences aside for the sake of our sanity at social events (we still have all the same friends) and just because it was the mature thing to do. After we worked out the kinks, I was thrilled, this was the first time since EVER that we actually had a stable foundation for a friendship to actually form. When he first came home for Christmas break he met me and a bunch of my friends out at the bars one night and would you believe it... It couldn’t have gone better. It was as if we had been friends for years. My friends were shocked (I mean obviously because they’ve heard about how we can barely even be in the same room without biting each other’s head off) they couldn’t believe how well the night had went and quite frankly, neither could I. But of course, all good things must come to an end. Not even a whole week later all of my friends got together on December 23rd to have an ugly Christmas sweater party. From the moment I walked in the door I thought I had the fucking plague or that the holiday mules were making me invisible because I swear it’s like I wasn’t even there. Hours later I get word that Jason’s doing “Jason” things per usual and is proclaiming he can “have Alyssa whenever he wants”. Well, I REALLLLLY hope he wasn’t planning on getting laid after that party because he could not have picked a worse day to kick a girl when she’s down. I mean come on, CHRISTMAS FUCKIN EVE, of all the days he had to pick Christmas fuckin’ Eve. I felt a piece of my heart crumble up and break off after that, because that, in my book, is what I consider a low fucking blow. After some *choice* words, I made myself abundantly clear that the last time I saw him was the very last time I ever wanted to see him and he heard me loud and clear.

The first month passed and I was so proud of myself for sticking to my guns and not forgiving Jason when [clearly] he didn’t deserve anymore forgiveness. I gotta admit tho, this one stung different than the other times. It really felt like he did this one to ensure I would really be hurting this time, that the pain would stick. Well fuck Jason, this pain stuck. About two months later, I was at his house visiting with his mom (for just a few minutes) and right as I was walking out the door there comes Jason (and no I wasn’t seeing things) walking down the stairs. I swear to God in my past life I must have been a terrible person because God just loves to punish me. When I saw his face, my heart dropped into my stomach and I was at a loss for words. So I quickly said hello and practically ran out the door. Two days later I got a “Jason” apology, genuine as all hell and late as fuck at night (drunk? probably *rolls eyes*). So what did I do?

Option 1: Melted like putty in his hands and forgave him [ugh typical Alyssa]

Option 2: Accepted the apology but stuck to my word and continued to ask him to leave me alone [not. a. chance.]

Oh but I did follow through with option 2!! Five years is plenty of time to teach yourself some lessons, so I decided to try a different approach to a reoccurring issue and see if I could get some different results. Well guess what?! A few days after new and improved Alyssa decided to take over, Gabriella calls to tell me she has been waiting since NEW YEARS EVE to see me in person and tell me while Jason was drunk as fuck he basically poured his heart out about me to her.

CAN I JUST ASK IN WHAT LAND ANYBODY THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO KEEP INFORMATION THIS IMPORTANT FROM ME FOR TWO WHOLE MONTHS?!?! After a deep breath and a blunt, I realized it had already been five fuckin years what’s a couple more months? But almost immediately after this information was revealed to me, I was recanting every word I said to Jason and telling him I needed to talk to him face to face. He agreed and decided we would see each other when he came back from his deployment... in October (ok fine what’s eight more months when it’s already been five years?)

HA HA HA.. I said MOST things in my life changed, not that hell froze over and heaven gave me patience. I decided I couldn’t wait any more so I booked myself a flight to sunny California so we can settle this one way or another, once and for all.

I’ve spent the last three weeks thinking about what I can say to get him to open up and allow himself to be vulnerable around me, and for as well as I know him (which is sometimes better than he knows himself) I keep coming up short. I want to reiterate that I KNOW the cycle of hurting each other started with me hurting him. It started when I made him feel like he was not enough. But I also want to clarify that even though I may not have realized it at the time, I am fully aware now of just how much he loved me. That if he could give me his entire heart and half of somebody else’s, it still wouldn’t measure up. I need him to know that he is the only person I will ever be capable of giving 100% of myself to, because there is a part of me that I will never be able to get back because I gave it to him. He’s got to know that Jason is not “Jason” without Alyssa. And that no matter how often the world around us is changing, this love remains the same.

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ablack-reblogs · 8 years ago

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As a Dramione shipper enthusiast, let me tell you a thing. There are writers who actually portray the two in character (me, me am one very so much yes yes) without making it subtly sexist or ignoring character flaws. Firstly, all people have major issues. Hermione, for one, expects way to much intellectually of the people around her and often regards herself as the smartest person in the room without even actually speaking to everyone in it. Draco, after all the damaging conditioning is family has done to him, winds up being a fairly broke soul with at least one or two mental illnesses. They were the top two students in their year - and it is fanon (all but approved by JKR, that ratty woman) that Draco also finished his final year at Hogwarts. The two are intellectually compatible. Beyond this, JKR (who is somehow bandwagoning her own fandom, not queen quality that woman) has said herself that in a lot of ways Draco's treatment of Hermione is due to misplaced and misunderstood feelings. It's implied that Draco actually likes and admires Hermione more than he hates her - which is the reasoning why he bullies her. It is expected of him and he doesn't want to betray the way he's been raised. Secondly, people grow and change. Draco actually ends up raising a very well mannered son who cares about the wellbeing of all wizards, something made canon by The Cursed Child. So Draco proves that he always wished to be different than his parents wished by being the father he didn't have, which is all most parents from sketchy families tries to do in the Muggle world (amirite?). Hermione changes too, of course, by showing her more human characteristics. For a good portion of the series she is cold and focused on academics, only deviating when her hunger to learn is disrupted by Umbridge. This forces her to become more assertive as a person and humbled her greatly - sort of in the way Draco's sixth year shows him what he is and is not willing to do for a family that he wants to be nothing like. Draco is theorized to have failed intentionally by Dumbledore himself - and he canonically admits that he doesn't want to do it - further proving that Draco isn't quite the evildoer and sod everyone believes him to be. ALSO, if we want to get grossly technical (which I hate to do since JKR letting the Cursed Child be a thing is painful) - Hermione isn't actually as good of a person as everyone imagines, and really is changed by the events of her fourth year for the better. Had a few things been different, Hermione may have never realized her feelings for Ron (nor Ron his) - which would have put her on the path the be an even more abusive and spiteful professor. So let's not act in any way that Hermione was this angelic princess of moral because is canon that she wouldn't have become the heroine she is without the influence of a fair few outsiders. This proves that the two are even more alike than we would have previously considered. Beyond these obvious matters that people often ignore - there are a treasure trove of tiny things that would imply that they're a perfect fit for one another. I personally believe that the fact that they're on opposite sides of the war actually helps them be better matches because Draco is fragile and scattered within himself from all that he associated with and become involved in at home, while Hermione is more whole than she'd ever been before because she'd never been apart of something bigger that gave her proper purpose. She helps people because she cares about them genuinely, not by association (which she does sort of low key admit she does in the first book - and continues with the trio because of the intellectual challenge of being friends with the boys actually poses). The woman that Hermione becomes is patient enough and loving enough to care for the man that Draco becomes. I'm not saying the relationship would be perfect - and I do believe most relationships have their fair share of great struggles in them. There would be a lot to overcome for Draco and Hermione as a couple... But JKR has actually admitted that Ron and Hermione were not a perfect couple either - and likely needed extensive marriage counseling because the amount of bullying Ron did to her in their younger years at Hogwarts! Beyond that, she's also public ally stated she thinks Harry is better match for Hermione and that it would have been more natural. Her decision to put Ron and Hermione together was out of her personal desires to see the characters she based them on together romantically (herself and some bloke she had a crush on). AND HERE IS THE KICKER, are you ready? Harry and Draco are basically the same person. This is very canon. They had every opportunity to be the same man, but because they were raised by opposing sides they developed very different personalities. It is canon that the young men are "two sides of the same coin." This implies that they are the same but different, which sounds like an oxymoron but is more metaphoric of the similarities between these very different young men. So if JKR is saying it is more far-fetched Hermione with Ron than it is to see her with Harry, then it really isn't more far-fetched to see her with Draco than Ron because of these deeper connections and observations people tend to ignore for convenience. If we are going to use these characters to represent real-life issues - then we must acknowledge more than what is convenient for us. Bullies can change, and people grow up and become better people. Ron and Draco both do that - but it is psychologically easier to forgive a bully who is not your friend than a bully that is close to you. Especially in this scenario where Ron was generally being a git to a friend of his simply because she was different than him and better than him at a wide variety of things - oh, and she expected him to be civilized. Shame on her (though she was a bit of an arse, too). Malfoy, on the their hand, was raised that way. His bullying stems from a lack of education and exposure. Nature versus nurture can make or break the ability to connect with someone. All of these posts generally assume that Draco is a prat simply because it's his personality, but he spends much of his time trying to impress his father by being like him. When Draco's own personality begins emerging in his sixth year - we can see he is dedicated, reserved, and even fragile. Draco may have been a nasty piece of work but when he starts being forced into situations he's not asked for, we as readers can deduce that he's conflicted with the expectations of him and his personal aspirations - which are generally to be great at school and fit in somewhere that people will notice him. That is not an evil thing to want, unless every celebrity on this planet is a Satan incarnate (or some other evil religious figure incarnate for all you non-Christian folk). I will stand by this ship until the very end - and I can assure you I don't have deep repressed issues where I lack self-confidence and feel the need to be controlled (my husband will certainly vouch in favor of both of these proclamations) - which is what JKR certainly would have you believe. Unfortunately, she has proven she's incapable of standing by her own work by constantly changing her opinions and shifting her canon based on the lost popular opinion of her fandoms. She is given credit for approving theories that others have come up with that likely never crossed her mind - and yet she would stand here win a holier-than-thou expression insulting shippers for seeing deeper connections and relationships between the characters she created in a story that she swore was over to her son book seven. Draco and Hermione really are not anymore unreasonable than some popular relationships that actually are canon - and actually do romanticize sexism and misogyny through abusive and toxic intimacy. I will admit when there's a ship that isn't healthy, I am mature and aware enough to do that, but don't think for a second that this is one of them. There are a gross number of Dramione writers that do portray these characters poorly with disgusting premises - but the ship is not ill-fitted simply because of a few writers DEALING WITH THEIR OWN INNER CONFLICTS THROUGH WRITING!

#hp #Harry Potter #Dramione #draco x hermione #Dramione safe zone #fandom rant #an argument in defense of Dramione

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Mail Purchase Bride - Find Breathtaking Girl for Wedding

Mail Purchase Bride – Find Breathtaking Girl for Wedding

Folks from other countries, countries, and events are often more interesting and attractive up to now. They truly are always interested in individuals with various countries, backgrounds, religions, and languages. Others look for the experience and pleasure of creating closeness with a stylish, exotic individual from a different country.

Men and women alike love this particular adventure, and also the internet has managed to make it a complete great deal easier. You will find an incredible number of guys from all parts of society that are looking for stunning mail purchase brides for worldwide wedding, and these breathtaking brides are desperate to talk with foreign males also.

Reasoned explanations why males look for an international bride vary that is mail-order. Some are after a relationship that is romantic an attractive, exotic girl, yet others require a spouse that is more cultured with values for families ties than numerous western ladies.

Whom precisely is just a mail-order bride?

A mail-order bride is a girl whom places up her profile on a dating internet site for wedding proposals from international males. Many times, these ladies are from developing nations as the guys that are looking for mail that is foreign brides for wedding are found in developed countries. The best nations for mail purchase brides include Asia, Japan, Philippine, Ukraine, and Russia.

What People Say About YourBride

Yourbride offers me the feeling of genuine Slavic beauty and genuine soul that is slavic. I have always believed that it is a label and there’s absolutely absolutely nothing that various and therefore special about east girls that are european. I desired to test it down as I happened to be pretty inquisitive just exactly exactly what this buzz was about. And so I discovered your website Victoria Brides here and it also had been the site that is third’ve been utilizing. This web site impressed me instantly because it resembles Tinder to some degree. But it is perhaps not the main. The key aspect which makes Victoria Brides strange is the fact that ladies here be seemingly genuine. I do not signify regarding the other internet sites they certainly were fake, but right right here We have a sense that i am speaking with honest girls who’re undoubtedly thinking about me personally. And from now on i realize why guys are surprised by Slavic girls!

How exactly does a bride site work that is mail-order?

You can find large amount of mail purchase bride web sites on the web rendering it a lot more confusing to select what type to make use of. Nevertheless the great news is the fact that we’e ready a listing of good and trusted mail order web web sites that will provide you with bang for your buck.

Once you have finalized through to any one of our suggested web sites, you need to set up a profile with details as well as your age, location, and job, etc. Your profile can help your prospective brides to make the journey to understand you without asking way too many boring concerns. As soon as your profile is perhaps all put up, you can begin looking for the girl that you choose making use of the search filter and matching systems.

Could it be safe up to now a bride that is mail-order?

The answer that is short YES! with regards to internet dating and relationship, you can find few things you have to get right, including care particularly in the part of cash. Do not simply deliver cash to every woman you meet on these online dating sites simply you one sad story or the other because they told.

Scammers are everywhere, plus some individuals do create fake pages on these dating sites merely to ask guys for cash to deal with an ill general. A bunch is told by these scammers of sad tales simply to fool guys. Some men dropped for a few among these unfortunate tales and become heartbroken aswell as losing their cash.

Nevertheless, there are numerous guys on the market with better experience. Plus some of these have actually also confessed that employing a mail purchase bride site to obtain a wife ended up being the smartest thing that ever happened in their mind.

The genuine truth about mail purchase brides

The genuine truth about mail other brides would be that it works. You have got a higher potential for having a marriage that is successful your lady is just a mail-order bride or some body you came across online in a international nation that is ready to keep her homeland to meet up with you to definitely start out a family group. Statistics show that cross-cultural relationships and marriages tend to be more last and successful longer than domestic people.

Also, a lot of these women that set up on their own as mail purchase brides tend to be much more cultured, supportive, and household oriented. You barely find these characteristics among feamales in the wealthiest countries that are western. Western guys are usually searching for a long-lasting relationship by having a mail-order bride who is able to play a motherly part when you look at the household.

These mail that is beautiful brides looking for worldwide marriage frequently appreciate the characteristics of western males surviving in developed countries including their tradition, language, training, etc.

Exactly Just How Much Mail Order that is are Brides?

Any guy that is searching for a international bride through the web would certainly wish to know simply how much they would invest in a mail purchase bride. Well, the expenses differ from web site to web web site, and also the cash you are having to pay is a real means to ensure that you’ll treat the women with chaturbate respect.

You will find frequently three kinds of membership of many web internet web sites – The free account, the compensated membership, after which some internet sites that may request you to purchase each woman’s contact details that you need to have. Though some web internet sites would like to charge for the membership that is monthly other are annually.

Month-to-month subscriptions are often around $30-$40, while annual subscriptions are about $150 – $200 with discounts. Some internet sites can provide you offers that are special. You might take to the membership that is free nonetheless it is sold with restricted features, and also you would have to upgrade up to a premium account sooner or later.

The paperwork that is legal another component that should determine just how much it will cost on mail order brides. Good quality web sites providing mail purchase bride solutions would manage all of the paperwork for you personally in addition to price often are categorized as $500

Customer Reviews: Just Just Exactly What Do Individuals State About Mail Order Bride

Quora individual – Donald Trump ( not the president that is US

“we have met my spouse for a Russian bride that is mail-order and now we are hitched for 2 years now. Therefore in the event that you ask me personally, my outcomes had been simply great:) A colleague of mine utilized yet another website (can not remember what type) and had not been happy at all.”

Redittor farkner

“I have actually understood a few dudes. One had been a mature man, about 72. Imported a 45-year-old woman that is russian. Great for the man, great for the girl. She then had him bring her son over, her mom, and her dog. Your dog ended up being the most difficult. They all are nevertheless succeeding, and also this is approximately 8 years back.”

Quora individual – Nazeem Dollie

“I’m a man from South Africa that is involved up to A russian woman from the Russian region of Ural, town of Kungur. I am 36, and she is 29.”

(a couple of days later on he updated his review)

“we have always been now located in Russia with my Russian spouse and life is very good right right here! Yes, we married a mail purchase bride, but please understand this term from your mind because how it functions can be follows: you must travel to Russia. You’ve still got to meet up her face-to-face. This woman is completely empowered to say yes or no to your proposition. You are free to understand her like a person that is normal. In the event that you make a beneficial sufficient impression, she’ll choose to marry you.”

Mail Purchase Bride - Find Breathtaking Girl for Wedding

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