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memoirs-of-learning-dad · 2 years ago

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Ok here goes..

Hello Tumblr! This is the first time ever that I'm posting something on the internet! Haha! I mean not entirely true tbh, I have posted some photos on Facebook and shared some stuff on WhatsApp status, but the last time I have ever posted something was about my move to my current city and that was 5 years ago. A lot has happened since then - I married my lovely gf, became a father, got diagnosed with bipolar and ADHD. But I have never expressed my opinions or thoughts or typed anything more than 20 words on the internet ever! I have very few friends, COVID has made it incredibly difficult to find new friends and where I am at in my life, I don't have the courage or the time to make new friends.

I mean it's easy for some people to just share stuff, you know? be expressive just put your feelings and thoughts and opinions into words and hit post! And there it is for everybody else to see! Strangers on the internet, friends, family and everybody you know knows what you're feeling. No fear of being judged, honest to yourself and people around you. Is it liberating? Is there anybody out there who's 100% true inside and outside?

I'm different. I don't have the courage to express who I am and open myself to the internet and to not care about being judged. I'm sensitive, I hate being judged. It affects me. Nobody other than my wife, my brother and his wife and my best friend know about my mental illnesses. If my parents or friends or extended relatives find out, they'll judge me and expect me to behave a certain way maybe even try to push me away. It's not common in my culture and circle to live a normal life with mental illnesses. I'm working on getting better, I take my medication regularly but the only thing people will care about is the illness. Everybody who knows us thinks I'm a good father (I like to think I'm doing ok), but I am 100% confident those same people will not feel the same way once they learn about my illnesses. I'm not gonna sit here and lie saying it doesn't affect me. Will my daughter be able to make friends in my community when her friends parents learn I'm bipolar? Why should she pay? I cannot show my true self to the world other than a few trusted people. So here I am on an anonymous platform just typing what I'm thinking without worrying about what people who know me might think!

I've spent 33 years on this earth, learning, adapting - seeking that sense of mental peace and satisfaction. Enjoying the small things. I am blessed, like genuinely blessed - God himself chose me to be the father of this beautiful person - my daughter - my life! Words cannot express what I feel for her. And this new desire to post stuff, to have a memoir of my life is for her.

I want her to have somewhere to go to learn what I was like - how I have grown over the years. How my ideals and my perspectives change with time. Who I will grow up to be. Who I will be remembered as after I die. A legacy? Something to remember this insignificant human being, one among billions trying hard every day to be a better father, to be a better husband, a loyal son, a supportive brother, a good friend.

So here goes - I'm committing to write my thoughts on here moving forward. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep up with it? But I'm going to try. I have to start somewhere. My father used to tell me when I was young to write a diary. My wife used to tell me when we got married that I need to note down my thoughts somewhere, maybe in a journal. My therapist thinks it's really healthy for me to write my thoughts. Yes, I'm taking a leap of faith - putting my faith and trust in strangers on the internet. Hear my story - it's as ordinary as it gets. Maybe that's what is going to make it special? A memoir about a regular guy, living an ordinary life, trying to be a good person - not changing the world or anything but just a cog in the machine we call a functioning society.

So my sweet little princess, this is for you. Over the first of the next few years I will post here how much I love you, how lovely and caring your mother is and how she's making me a better person everyday. You are turning 2 years old today and it's a journey for both of us. I hope to guide you on the right path and give you everything you need to make the most of your life. And this right here will hopefully be my narration of that journey!

Happy Birthday Paapu! Here's a (worthless?) gift for you - a diary to tell you my perspective of the parenting journey!

#positivity #father #ordinary things

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egcarlos · 1 year ago

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Why I'm Here

It's always wet and muddy here in Bukavu

This week has been slower than what I expected my first week back with MSF would have been. I am still in the capital of South Kivu, Bukavu. I had a meeting yesterday with the medical coordinator of the project and she said that I will likely be out into the projects hopefully by Tuesday, but most likely Thursday of next week, depending on when I will get my work visa approved. Nonetheless, I am making use of my time here in the capital by trying to improve my French with the other ex-pats in the house. I’ve made another friend, his name is Mamadou, a nurse from Niger. At least three times a day he sits in the balcony to smoke his shisha. I take this opportunity to sit next to him and blab out whatever French I can muster. He doesn’t seem to mind my broken French and we’ve had conversations about religion, family, and politics here in the DRC and in his home. The Head of Mission, Sebastian is from France; despite the rapidity of his speech, I find it a little bit easier to understand. He is usually pretty busy so I catch maybe 10 minutes with him in the morning. Juan, who also goes by Jose is from Spain. Initially, I got very self-conscious talking to him in French because I couldn’t really comprehend what he was saying. Come to find out, his French was no better than mine, which is the reason why I couldn’t understand him.

But anyway, outside of my French speaking ventures in the house, I finally got to speak to the doctor that I will be replacing. Her name is Alexandra from Denmark. I received a text message this morning on my Whatsapp asking if I wanted to talk to her today. I of course agreed without hesitation because I am hungry for more knowledge and to gain at least whatever familiarity I can about the projects. Around 9 AM I walk to the MSF office and find her waiting for me with another ex-pat. They both speak English to me, which was not completely welcomed because I want to improve my French, but I go with the flow and to build rapport, continue to speak in English. Alexandra and I walk out of the MSF office and into a hidden coffee shop just about a 10-minute walk from where we were. The coffee shop is a gem here in the neighborhood; it is called Bazima Coffee. It’s a rather popular place for NGO workers as I notice we were not the only foreigners enjoying a drink. I ask for a hot chocolate as she orders a cappuccino and an ash tray as we grab a seat. Her story is quite interesting, and I enjoyed the conversation I had with her. Aside from the formalities in the beginning about project details that seem more or less verbal diarrhea for now as she was naming abbreviations, I was not familiar with and names of nurses and doctors that flew by my attention, we got into the conversation about stigma and its continued harm in the community. Because of the problem of stigma and gossip that eventually comes with it, sharing the HIV status of a person, even among health workers, is risky, especially if the health worker is part of the community. For the project, only the clinician and the health worker performing the test will know the result. From what I was told, rarely will it be written in the person’s hospital charts, nor will it be known by all the medical teams involved (for instance, if the patient is also getting a surgery, it is up to the surgeon to ask if that patient is HIV positive, if relevant for him/her). To me, this is inefficient and creates even more of a stigmatization of HIV, but at the end, this is it. Long-lasting change is going to be a long and tedious process in a context where the ministry of health is almost non-existent, where war and poverty are the norm and where health education is lacking. Change can happen, but it will not happen in the way that I want it to. This is one of the things that I learned working in my first project working in a similar context in South Sudan; MSF, more so NGOs are not going to be the answer to the situation in where they are currently working. We are here to help and to contribute in the best way that we can, but it will not be perfect, nor should we expect it to be. Alexandra has been working with MSF for the past 30 years, both as a field worker and as a referent and she gave me an interesting representation of what NGO and humanitarian work is like. She had me imagine several boats that were trying to get across a body of water. We, as the field worker, are at the beginning with all of the boats as their captain. We can try to push one of the boats forward- if the boat is ready, prepared with everything it needs to move, it’ll start moving forward at the pace it wants to. If it is not ready, no matter what I do as the captain, sometimes it will just not move. My job for this mission is to observe what boat I can start moving in the projects when I arrive.

I know the table above is in French, but just to summarize, the current positivity rate for HIV in Kalole is 3.59%. To put this into perspective, the positivity rate of HIV in the United States according to the CDC is 0.5% in 2021. The positivity rate in Kalole is about 7 times higher than it is in the United States.

But anyway, she leaves to go back to Denmark Sunday morning. She tells me that she has two teenage boys waiting for her when she gets home. She will also be back to her regular job as a pediatric infectious disease specialist in a local university and she will also be practicing medicine in Greenland for a little while as well.

At the end, this is why I’m here. My work as a humanitarian worker will just be a tiny drop in a vast ocean and it is up to me to make my time here significant. I’m here because I am an optimist; I'm here because i know that the tiny drop that i can contribute, although miniscule, is necessary for things to keep afloat.

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wealthyjanat · 1 year ago

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Miserable is no longer just a feeling it’s a way of life. Sometimes I just wish I would have died at child birth or something. Yu can’t think clearly when you’ve always countlessly been rejected.. humiliated and verbally abused. Yu start to wonder. Did you ever mean anything to the person at any time? Why the are treating you how the are? Are you good enough? I get it. The space between what we know and what we assume is a lot. But no body can read silence. Unspoken words and feelings not shared and your not allowed to poke around to find out then you’d be too desperate. The truth is, if a person wants to be with you they’d let you in. Completely. I was younger once, chased rainbows in the name of love. Had a failed relationships, had my nude which I was also sending to a boy she introduced me to mistakenly sent to my then boyfriend which he leaked. I was raped alongside twice by the first one an attempted rape by someone I’d consider a cousin and then my sister’s husband’s best man that left me bleeding for a whole month and had nobody to talk to about it. Dated my abuser. In an other Neglected and left with a baby. Somehow it’s all ppl from my elder sister. Mentally I am stable but my heart can’t bear any more pains. The laugh at my pain or relationship matters concerning me and dismissing it widely. Do you know what that does to my mental health? Am a person, I feel, I breathe not a tv reality show talk for the internet or ppl to openly discuss. I deserve love, I deserve privacy, I deserve a good mental health. People are making bold assumptions about me, about my life in order to keep me from growing and improving. I don’t hate my sister but I believe it’s a childhood anger and if not I am done trying to understand her or my other siblings or mother. I have my life to LIVE. At 33 no husband, no boyfriend. No financial aid. I have seen housewives loved and respected. I have seen single mothers loved and respected and don’t give me the crap about luck it’s not real. When your name and image has been tainted from a young age like pole has done worse give me a break and is still loved up on. I deserve it all.

I am starting to think God doesn’t exist.. I am not jealous nor bitter. Hear my story, walk in my shoes yu be drinking a poison or hanging by the rope. This is a person’s life We are talking about here.

I am also not lazy.. my child has been sexually molested at 3 going to a job. I have been severely burnt doing a hand and carry sales and other things I have attempted. Selling my used clothes to be able to feed but meanwhile my child has a father.

My family calls me a beggar and other behavioral issues from their husbands and friends. My so called friends I thought I had all abandoned me. Where we not all doing the same weed and cigarettes and alcohol and sleeping with men to survive. We are grown and you lot are happily married and am the one to be avoided and the coy word ghosted to be applied in her life.

My child is my child and so the same ill treatment and fate to fall on him? I pray good for yu all family and friends but yu wish me and my child evil. The karma will catch up to yu all not later.

Screenshot my WhatsApp status… pass it round. Put it on the streets and internet amongst yur selfs and the ones doing yur dirty jobs for yu all it won’t break me. If there is God he will handle yu all. If there isn’t yur karma is inevitable.

But I won’t stop trying to be a good mother to my child and taking care of me how I can cause it’s really tough out. So don’t stand in my way or try to stop me bullying me or pulling some cheap tricks with yur losers squad. God is watching. I am sure there is something bigger than us all and will rise to vindicate me.

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painting-devparna98 · 1 year ago

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Age Is Not A Problem, Just Live Your Life

Introduction:

Time flies like a wind. Age is also not stoppable. After a certain time, retirement came and they grow older. At that time some problems came into their life. In the present time, all are busy in their own life. In that case, loneliness is the main problem for the old people. Fortunately, there are some more problems. We will discuss those things in this article.

If a senior man is a citizen of India and he has attended the age of 60, then he is a ‘Senior Citizen’ by Indian law. In India population is increasing day by day. And it is not to be mentionable in present days.

Problems:

After the age of 60 Senior People are facing some problems-

Distance from their children for extra work.

Not living in the same city.

Living in the same city but not staying together.

Adjustment problems with their children.

Some phycological problems.

Loneliness etc.

In this article, we will discuss all these things. And coming in a particular solution with this discussion.

In present days people have so many ways to spend their spare time. The future generation has known how to avoid loneliness. 8-80 all the age groups have different mentalities by their age. Their mentality and desires are different and that is quite natural. In that case, Senior peoples are different thought processes with their age. Naturally after a certain age, they love to spend their time with their grandson and daughter. They love to spend their time on television, radio, and carvaan full of selected songs, newspapers, story books, physically chatting with their close ones, etc. In this present situation, Mobile is the best option for spending time alone.

Mobile is a powerful gadget for all of us. But our senior people are not so much pro with this gadget. With this handphone, they make calls and search to see their favorite tv or online shows or videos. Nowadays they handle their Facebook and WhatsApp accounts. At their age, they know the basic features. But after all these things they couldn’t spend their total spare time with mobile or with other things. At the end of the day, they want to tell their story to their close ones or their family member. In that case in the present day, they haven’t the scope of these things.

Solution:

The present generation loves to spend their time with themselves. They want to hang out with their friends in a private place. They haven’t had so much time for their parents and that is not good. For these reasons, the present generation sends their parents to an old age home. And it’s creating distance between children and parents.

On the other hand, some children are constrained to send their parents to an old age home because of their work or the reason for their absence. Sometimes the reason of their absence is may he or she not live in the same city. In that case, they release their tension to send their parents to a safe place within their comfort zone.

For comfort zone money is a big thing. Depending on their financial status some peoples maintain their parent’s safety and comfort. If someone’s financial condition is on the high mark then he or she is going for the AUMORTO for their parents. In that place undoubtedly their parents get the best facilities, especially for their mental and physical health.

Facilities At AUMORTO:

Peaceful environment for senior people.

Get all types of best medical facilities and daily care.

Space and particular time for physical exercise.

Get the best balanced and nutritious diet.

Many types of social engagement like cultural programs, library facilities, etc.

Mentionable, if anyone decides to send their parents to AUMORTO for safety then he or she is in the right place.

#old age home #senior living homes

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siyabongazulukamaisela · 1 year ago

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It's been a while since I was last captivated by a book as much as this one has me. Almost missed my stop on the bus the other day. The book is so relatable, even though it's nothing familiar to me. But it somehow feels relatable. And it has me bad.

I've not been able to put it down since I got it and dove into it. Herman (friend&co-worker), took me to this pawn shop in town. I'd actually been there before but didn't realise, when he initially told. We found some really cool things amongst type writers, which I'd been thinking of getting for my writing and also frames for pictures and books.

Went to check out the books, there's was a lot of Afrikaans. But I ended up finding English ones and upon further investigation. Law and behold, The reincarnation of Peter Proud" by one Max Ehrlich.

I also found a book I had up until recently when I lost a number of books during my relocation from Joburg back to KZN. But that's behind us now. But. I asked myself this question. Knowing I've had it before. Why am I buying it again. The reason I came up with was this, "when I read it back in England, early 2007, Alice had given it to me (considering she is an ethiest) to read.) But the concept for me at that age, maybe 17. We're just too much and flew over my head. I know at this time I was into Dan Brown. I'd already read all his top selling books: (Davinci Code. Angles and Demons) and the rest. The book I'm talking about here is, Richard Dawkins: The God Delusion).

During my chat with Raphala about the God Delusion. After he saw me posting it on WhatsApp status, said, he'd like for us to chat about it once I was done. I then narrated the above story of my first attempt at reading it. He then expressed the same. He expressed the same sentiment about concepts within the book going over his head. But. We concluded on one crucial point: the fact that we are living in times when we can openly share such thoughts and question them without being stoned to death or becoming an outcast. I remember is school (high school). I used to question everything and as a matter of fact, I still very much do. My English teacher, ended up placing a sign in the classroom which said "If you dont belong in God. You better hope you are right", I found this strange. In a multiracial school, one of the vest in the province, qiestionning, being different radical if you may, was not encouraged. Instead it was frowned up. So, by default I became the black sheep. I revelled in it. Cause deep down I loved the fact that i knew where I stand with each person I had to deal with on a regular.

Max's, the reincarnation of Peter Proud, comes n my life where I am fed up with reading self help book, which have featured heavily in my life over the past 7 years or so. And I just needed a break. The main character has a somewhat of an identity crises. He remembers his last previous life, when he lived before his current life. Through vivid dreams, nightmares you can say. A sensory overload during his dream. Speaking out in a different voice entirely. Doctors can't help him. No one can.

He has to remember who he is again. All by himself. Piece together the dreams and make them make sense. Until he maps out how to get to that previous life and accomplish what he didn't do.

I feel this mirrors my life currently. I used to be a beast. Actually, I am a best. But I've forgotten who I was before the world told me who I should be. I think it was Charles Bukowksi who said these words. And to me too it applies. I need to fetch my life. Regain the glory. Get up,dust myself up. Get back all that was taken from me. And some.

If you've read this far. Thank you. Please kindly leave a comment or suggestion. Or a message via WhatsApp (South Africa: 068 406 8212). Thank you.

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sisterssafespace · 3 years ago

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Salaam! So I’m in that phase of life where parents die, I mean we are getting old and so are they, many of my friends lost their fathers in the past years, recently one lost a mother, and it’s like I’m holding their grief with my hands and crying for their loss all while dreading the idea of losing my mother, I don’t know how to be there for them without being a pain in the head, like I don’t know what’s the right thing to say or do, and I sleep and wake anxious about death visiting my parents 1

Assalamualaikum sister :)

First of all, I apologize for the late reply. This wasn't an easy ask, sübhanallah, it was very heavy and it needed for me to take it slow and check with my sisters. Kheir in shaa Allah.

There is one dominant thought that accompanied me the whole time I was reading your words: you need to change your perspective on death. Now, let me explain.

I know that we have been taught this religion from a perspective of fear, and death is supposedly the most horrifying thing ever, and then there is the moment the soul leaves the body, the pain of that, or what they call (سكرات الموت), the torment of the grave and then hellfire and whatnot. And the more we get blinded by the love of this duniya and of the material things, the more we are scared to leave, the more we are petrified with the idea of death. And that is why we cry so hard in funerals, and that is why death is depressing. It is always related to negative connotations.

Whereas, here is the thing: Death is the only solid truth about this world. It is the only one undeniable undoubted fact that all religions, all philosophies, all schools of thoughts agree upon. Death is inevitable. It is a portal that every living breathing entity in this world has to go through at a given determined defined point. How about we start by accepting this.

كُلُّ نَفْسٍ ذَائِقَةُ الْمَوْتِ ۗ وَإِنَّمَا تُوَفَّوْنَ أُجُورَكُمْ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ ۖ فَمَنْ زُحْزِحَ عَنِ النَّارِ وَأُدْخِلَ الْجَنَّةَ فَقَدْ فَازَ ۗ وَمَا الْحَيَاةُ الدُّنْيَا إِلَّا مَتَاعُ الْغُرُورِ

سورة ٱل عمران؛ الاية 185

Every human being is bound to taste death: but only on the Day of Resurrection will you be requited in full [for whatever you have done] - whereupon he that shall be drawn away from the fire and brought into paradise will indeed have gained a triumph: for the life of this world is nothing but an enjoyment of self-delusion.

[ Quran 3:185 ]

Another idea, is that Alhamdulillah for Islam through which we know that this worldly life is only but a step on the way. The final destination, our Home is Jannah in shaa Allah, that's where our souls belong, and that the only way to get back Home is through passing by the portal of death. And here is one thought that I personally hold dearly, nobody has ever walked through that door and came back to tell us what really goes on behind it. All we know is scary stories of torment and torture. And in the middle of all these stories that are mixed with fantasy and nonsense we forget that Allah swt is the most merciful!

Another thing that we tend to forget is that we don't own ourselves, we don't own our souls and we don't own our loved ones either. We all belong to Allah and to Allah we return. So death is literally the act of returning to Allah swt, where we belong, returning to the most merciful, the kindest, the most gracious. How scary can that be? Now, if people started obsessing less about this trivial superficial duniya and focused more on doing good deeds that would grant them a blissful return to the authentic home, death would have a different meaning. May Allah swt accept us while being pleased with us. May Allah swt not take us from this Duniya unless He is completely satisfied with us and with our deeds. Ya rabb. May Allah swt make us among those to whom He swt would say :

يَا أَيَّتُهَا النَّفْسُ الْمُطْمَئِنَّةُ ﴿۲۷﴾

O satisfied soul, (27)

ارْجِعِي إِلَى رَبِّكِ رَاضِيَةً مَرْضِيَّةً ﴿۲۸﴾

return to your Lord wellpleased, wellpleasing. (28)

فَادْخُلِي فِي عِبَادِي ﴿۲۹

Join My worshipers and (29)

وَادْخُلِي جَنَّتِي ﴿۳۰﴾

enter My Paradise! (30)

Surah 89: Al Fajr

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Now about the fact that you feel anxious about death visiting your parents. I could immediately detect the anxiety traits and let me put your heart at peace. This is something very common among people with anxiety and also ocd. (But hey I am not saying you have that, I am just starting facts, I have no right or place to diagnose you with anything). But I just want you to know that you are not alone in this. I, for one, have experienced this for continuous years since a very tender age. I feel you sister, and I know how tiring and exhausting it can get. Some of us even imagine the whole funeral and the face of their loved ones cold and dead, and cry it all out as if it was really happening. Been there, experienced that. Alhamdulillah for everything. However, you just have to keep a few things in mind, death is inevitable, it will visit your loved ones whether you expect it and wait for it or not, and no amount of thinking and worrying about it could actually prepare you for when it hits. So why torture yourself when it is not really happening? Spare yourself the pain my dear, Allah swt wouldn't approve of the suffering you are putting yourself through by worrying. Almost a year ago we lost a dear soul, may Allah swt accept her with his mercy and grant her the highest ranks in Jannah ameen, and one of her children has been putting this WhatsApp status ever since:

لله ما أعطى و لله ما أخذ، ما كثيرة على الله يا أمي

Translation: To Allah what He gave and to Allah what He took. You are not too much (too precious/ too valuable) for Allah, mom. (Meaning: yes she is VERY precious and valuable but if Allah wants her back we can't say no, we have to give her back, she is not too precious or valuable to be given to Allah swt because He is THE MOST VALUABLE) do you get my point?

Tbc.

#tw death #sisterssafespace

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asexual-means-no-attraction · 3 years ago

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i'm acquainted with an afab nb who calls himself a "lesbian" (he's okay with male pronouns btw). around 2 years ago, when we were 15 i met him through a childhood friend because she said we would get along. we hit it off nearly instantly and we would talk everyday. he told me he was nb and i told him i was a trans man, at the time i was still on the fence on nb and i didn't care enough torisk my connection with him over this. then we mzade plans to meet up again and he said he wanted to make out and shit when we met. i accepted because i found him attractive and nice, things are going well! then a few days before our meeting i find out he's a lesbian apparently. i go "well, than that means our hook up is cancelled lol" and he goes "no, that's alright, i see you as a woman". yep. i made up an excuse not to meet him because that was such a huge shock.

we're from Brazil, so we use portuguese, a latin language that has no gender neutral pronouns, so people started making up such gender neutral pronouns and i view them just the same as neopronouns : unnecessary and easy to use. after a while, he said that he was now going by one of those neopronouns and sent me a link to those pronoun listing sites, i tried to explain to him that it's very hard for me to just learn new sets of pronouns because autism and shit, and he says he doesn't want to talk to me anymore because of that.

i still have him added on whatsapp but we don't talk, i just see the "fuck cishet" "fuck gender" memes he posts on his status. from talking to him over the years, i could see he's genuinely dysphoric. he told me his most urgent plan was to go see a therapist to start medically transitioning like me. he would sometimes talk about how much he wanted to be on hormones, get top surgery, get phalloplasty but he's totally not a man! i also don't doubt he is a lesbian because we used to talk about women a lot, so it's mostly just a skewed view on what the label means, nb people can't be lesbians and such. to me, it sounds like he's just a trans dude, but because he's so into the Twitter mentality of hating cishets and 278292 genders and fuck men that he just doesn't want to be a straight guy. i'm a trans bi guy and i even sometimes make jokes about "God im so straight" when i see a hot woman but considering that he has very lefty views being straight must be the end of the world for him.

do you think it's a lost cause? should i try to talk to him again? i say this because he's genuinely a nice person but he's also the one who can't shut up about how men are so bad and gender is so cosmic and other dumb shit. considering we're still 17, i kinda hope he can change. honestly i just miss having someone to play minecraft with and i can relate a lot with him.

I'm not a wise old community member with years of experience to give you the perfect solution. But I have had my share of friendships falling apart for various reasons. And let me tell you, sometimes it's better to stop being friends. Sometimes the nostalgia of the past makes it hard to realize that. Unfriending someone isn't easy. Losing someone is always scary. But you gonna do what's best for you.

But if you really want to continue the friendship I would shoot them a message. Ask if they still only see you as a women. If yes, drop them. That part of your story really rubbed me the wrong way. If he can't see you as a man, then he isn't worth keeping as a friend. It's not worth trying to make it work if he's not even going to see you as who you are.

If he does see you as a man, ask him if he actually wants to be friends or not. He might just say no and if so, again, it's not worth trying to make it work somehow. If he says yes, set your boundaries. No hating men talk or other things that make you uncomfortable while you two are hanging out. If he agrees great. Otherwise, he isn't going to make you feel happy. He'll only frustrate you and make you feel guilty/angry.

Personally, I'd unfriend him and move on. Someone who can't see me as a man and has clearly shown they don't want to reach out to me isn't a relationship I'm willing to put energy into. But you're not me. If you think it's worth it, the worse thing that can happen by reaching out is him proving he won't respect you. He certainly is capable of changing. People change a lot as they get more experiences as adults. But they can change for better or for worse. And it's not your job to help them. It sucks letting someone go. But some people just really aren't worth the emotions they're gonna put you through if you continue to be around them.

Good luck. And I hope you figure out which option is gonna be best for you. And I especially hope you're able to find friends that respect you as the man you are and don't make you uncomfortable. You deserve that. And there are people who will respect you a lot more then this person.

#ask #answered #genuinely tho #id just unfriend him and move on #he doesn't sound worth it #but i put the advice there for if you reaaaaally want to to try and revive the friendship #good luck #long post

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internethorrorfan · 4 years ago

Note

Could I get some HCs for my girl Momo?

Momo headcanons:

Momo was created by Keisuke Aiso. Link to story/info here: https://cpuniverse.fandom.com/wiki/Momo. None of this is canon, this only applies to my AU version of the character.

-Momo in my AU does NOT tell kids to hurt/kill themselves. Momo is a nice ubume ok. None of that “suicide challenge” stuff here. The worst thing she does is scare people on WhatsApp or show up in people’s rooms in the middle of the night to freak them out.

-She has a soft spot for children and loves playing with the horror kids. She’s very protective of the children and she’ll do anything for them. She'll give them piggyback rides and let them paint her claws and stuff like that.

-Momo speaks both English and Japanese. She’ll teach the other horrors words and phrases from Japan if they ask. She likes hanging out with Kagekao since he’s also Japanese.

-Since she’s got no legs and has to use her arms to get around she’s got amazing upper body strength. She’s a lot stronger than she looks.

-Momo’s really interested in technology and enjoys talking out about it with BEN every time they hang out.

-She gets along well with most of the horrors (excluding the child killing ones like Mr. Widemouth and Slender Man) but she gets along the most with the aforementioned child horrors and the more monstrous horrors like Eyeless Jack, B.O.B. and the Rake.

-Momo is like Splendor Man in that she doesn’t kill people unless she stumbles upon a child abuser, in which case she’ll kill them with her claws or at least try to.

-When she gets upset she starts making little chirping noises like a bird.

-Speaking of birds, Momo can actually speak to and understand them. She’s called “Mother Bird” for a reason.

-She’s super caring and motherly towards all her friends. Momo’s the type of friend who’ll tell you to wear a coat and mittens outside to keep from getting cold even though it’s only September. She is without a doubt the Mom Friend™.

Art by Trevor Henderson: https://twitter.com/slimyswampghost/status/1330714068773167106

#momo creepypasta #momo whatsapp #momo the whatsapp girl #creepypasta headcanons #internet horror #internet horror headcanons #internet horror AU #creepypasta AU #Earth 2010

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irondadgroupie · 3 years ago

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I’ve been suffering from depression because of my no-future life and can’t help but project my feelings to Peter and life kicking him down. HEAVY TRIGGER WARNINGS. Do not read this if you are faint of heart. Deals with suicide.

Imagine Peter doesn’t get into MIT. Tony was certain he was a shoe-in, no doubt, he had a recommendation letter and the grades. So when he finds out about the rejection, he makes a very heated call to the admission committee and demands to know the reason. “Mr Stark, this year’s class is extremely talented. The competition was fiercer than ever. He can always reapply next year.” Tony immediately withdraws his donation to his alma mater but it is no use. As if rejection from MIT was not enough, Peter is also rejected from other schools he applied to. The boy is absolutely devastated, his social media is filled with his friends’ cheery posts and he falls into deep depression. “I worked so hard.” The boy whispers, after another day of staring at a wall. “I know you did, buddy.” Tony rubs his shoulder. He had taken time off work, he could not bear to leave Peter alone. “I aced all exams, I crushed SATs, I did all the projects, homework and I patrolled. All my life I’ve focused on school, it’s the only thing I was good at.” “You know that is not true.” “I’m a failure. I’ve wasted my life.” Ned, who got a full scholarship to Columbia, has to beg Peter to go to the prom with him, to make some memories. Four hours later, Tony gets a call from the same boy that Peter has passed out from drinking a bottle of vodka. Peter doesn’t want a graduation party. He just gets his diploma, takes the obligatory pictures and then locks himself into his room for the rest of the day, neverminding the lavish buffet Pepper has set up to celebrate. Team has a silent lunch. Peter sleeps a lot. He doesn’t go outside, doesn’t see his friends, stops patrolling and spends his days staring at a television. Tony calls his psychiatrist and Peter is called in for emergency evaluation and after two hours, he enters the Penthouse with a bottle of antidepressants. “These might make you feel a bit yucky.” Tony gives him a glass of water to wash the pills down with. “But it will clear out in about a week.” It takes about two months until they see any kind of improvement and by that time his friends have left for college. Tony hires him as his personal assistant to build up his resume but most importantly, to give him a purpose in life. And maybe the boy needed a bit of downtime after the hectic couple of years being Spiderman proved to be. Peter applies to MIT again. And is rejected. The shock is even greater this time. “I don’t get it.” The boy hyperventilates. “What did I do wrong? What am I missing? What do I lack?” MIT doesn’t have any more say in the matter, Tony can hear from their voice they are still irked of him withdrawing his money. Peter starts studying at a community college. He hates it from the first day. It’s not his place. Work is not challenging enough and the courses interest him very little. He doesn’t connect with the faculty who are all perplexed why the protege of Tony Stark is there. He drops out after a few months and makes a return as Tony’s PA. Third time’s the charm. Not this time, MIT is closed to him. “I’m done.” Peter tears the rejection letter, there are no tears in his eyes, no panic in his voice. Just emptiness. “I’m not gonna do this anymore.” “There are always other courses and schools.” “I learn more from working with you-” “You could at least get a diploma. It must be worth something.” He never thinks about the option more than fleetingly and ends up floating.He tries several jobs but nothing seems right. As Morgan grows up, Pepper starts thinking about getting Peter in on SI. Tony and her had always had the idea of letting Peter lead the company and eventually share it with Morgan. But the board resists. “He doesn’t have a college degree.” “So?” Tony attacks, thinking back to the dark days when he had to practically bribe the boy to eat something. “Degree is just a fancy paper.” “We can’t ensure someone like that to run this company.” “Excuse me but last time I checked I own lion’s share of this place! I make these decisions.” “You can’t walk over the board with this one, Stark. SI is a demanding company. Your father hired us to keep his legacy alive. I’m sure your boy is a nice young man, but he is not fit to run SI.” Tony breaks the news to Peter gently and the boy, no, a man, shakes his head and takes a swig of his beer. “I knew that- or- I guessed it would happen. Parker luck. This year has been a shit show anyway.” Tony looks at his boy, thinking of the struggles Peter had faced during the last five months: May’s cancer diagnosis, Peter’s constant money problems, a patrol that had gone so bad the boy had spent two weeks at Medbay and still had to eat strong painkillers. “Morgan is having a birthday party next week.” “I don’t have money for a present.” “You don’t need-” “It’s her birthday, she deserves a present, okay.” Peter was always defensive when it came to his finances. Tony was always ready to help but Peter rarely asked for it. Peter only gave him a chance when the man visited and saw the empty fridge, or the pile notices on his table. “I’ve been reading a lot.” “About?” “Success stories. Some make it big without college degrees. Some don’t even graduate from high school. Why didn’t it happen to me? Why did I end up with a no-end job and still have count pennies? Is it a punishment for something I did?” “No. Peter- your time will come.” “When?” Peter asks, his eyes on his father-figure. “I’m done waiting.” If Tony wasn’t worried yet, he was when it was time to pay for the food. “I’ve got this.” Tony is ready to take out his walled. “No, I’m good.” “Kiddo, let me-” “I’m 31 years old, I can pay for my own fucking meal!” Peter slams the money on the table and gets up. “I was just trying to help.” Tony tried to smooth things over. “Well don’t! I don’t need your help! Go be with your daughter and leave me alone!” “I’m thinking of mental institution.” Tony muttered to Rhodey, softly so the other guests would not pay them too much attention. “Kind of like a rehab center, where he can rest and get intensive therapy.” “Sounds good. I remember it helped you a lot.” “Yeah.” Tony nods, thinking of the few weeks he spent gathering his thoughts after Civil War. “Kind of wish I had started therapy earlier. But letter late than never, right?” Rhodey looked around the room. “Wasn’t Peter supposed to come?” “He must be running late.” Tony shrugged. “Traffic.” Hours passed and still no Peter. “Kiddo, I’m serious. Call me back.” Tony left fifth voice mail and checked Peter’s whatsapp status: online 10:11. Almost seven hours ago. Dread filled his stomach. Something was wrong. Steve offered to drive him to Peter’s apartment. Tony clutched his phone like a lifeline.He debated calling 911 but what could he say. Peter was an adult, had the right to not answer and he was not in immediate danger... right? They walked to the fifth floor. Peter did not answer the doorbell. Please don’t be there, Tony was muttering under his breath and unlocked the door. “Peter?” Him and Steve stepped in. “Kiddo?” The apartment was silent. Tony looked around the kitchen. Table was filled with bills and a new letter. An eviction notice. Tony turned white. Peter had not mentioned anything. He turned around when Steve stepped back from Peter’s bedroom. His eyes were wide and teary. “What is it?” Tony knew before the man had the chance to tell. “Don’t go in there, Tony.” “What do you mean? I have to find him.” “We-” Steve stopped him. “We need to call someone. Peter’s-” Eventhough Tony had known, maybe from the time Peter had failed to answer the first call, his heart refused to believe it. “No.” He shook his head. “No...” “Don’t-” He tore himself from Steve’s hold and opened the door to the bedroom. The room was red. Peter laid on the bed, a gun in his hand and his head- Tony screamed like he never had before. It was a guttural, raw sound. He sank to his knees, eyes locked on what was left of his child. Steve supported him, one hand rubbing his arm while with his other he called the proper authorities, Tony’s anguished cries making it almost impossible to make out any other words on the other end.

#irondad #fanfic #tw: mental health #tw: suidice #tw: depression #irondad and spiderson

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ambidextrousarcher · 3 years ago

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The Beat of a Heart

In honour of Doctor’s Day (barely in time), here’s a short story by my hand. It’s based mostly on real-life experiences, most of the scenes based on things I have seen in clinical postings. I am not sure whether I got the main character’s emotions right, but I did my best, so I guess that counts.

[Image ID: A stethoscope with blue tubing, silver diaphragm and black earpieces lying on top of a blurred keyboard, a blue pad to the left of the stethoscope, with a piece of blank paper pinned on it. On the bottom left, the words ‘The beat of a heart...’ are written in red England Hand font. End ID]

I’m tagging my usual writer mutuals and putting the actual short story under a cut.

My taglist: @ambitiousandcunning @medhasree @shaonharryandpannisim @chaanv @arjunaparantapa @hindumyththoughts @spockswhore @ashsnipes @annlillyjose @seekerbrave @avakrahn @a-confusedmess @arachneofthoughts @paneerlajwanti @vishnupada @bookdragonfanish @iamnotthat @foreveres @shellweed @will-die-without-chai.

She coughs a little, ignoring the rasp in her throat, wishing she could reach for her water bottle, but is impeded by the sheer number of people between her and the bottle in question. She reaches for the hand rub instead, the familiar smell of ethanol almost soothing for a moment. She blinks, turning to the older man sitting across her, the familiar questions on her lips.

‘Can you tell me why you’re here?’ she asks, noting down the man’s anxiety, trying to make her voice sound soothing. That is all the prompting he needs to launch into his long-winded story. She stretches a little, noticing the line of people in front of her, and the students hanging on each of her words standing behind her chair.

She smiles, looking behind her at the students, gesturing subtly for one of them to take over. ‘Make sure to examine him properly,’ she instructs. The student she had instructed nods, her eyes wide. ‘Yes, ma’am,’ the younger girl responds, leading the man to a bed. She can see the couple of students who had bothered to attend all clustered together, their discussion hushed.

She suppresses a grin. They’ll learn. She herself had. And indeed, one of the the students comes forward tentatively, stopping her peer who had been taking the man’s history, and begins the examination.

She turns to her work, leaving the students occupied for now. It’s a familiar battleground of questions and answers, having to rush the patients because of the lack of time. ‘Ma’am?’ it’s a young gentleman. ‘Yes, sir?’ ‘I am sorry,’ he says hesitantly, ‘I don’t understand what you said.’ She nods. Clears her throat, looking wistfully at the bottle that still is too far to reach, and too empty besides. Looking at it only diverts her attention to the humidity the fan is doing little for, the sweat trickling down her back.

She shakes her head. Do not divert your attention. Her colleague shoots her an understanding look, as she explains the prescription once again. He nods, with a quiet ‘thank you.’ She nods back at him as he leaves.

‘Ma’am?’ She turns once more. If nothing else, she muses wryly, choosing medicine has definitely taught me to multitask. The students lead the first man back to her, their clinical skills enthusiastic if a touch inexperienced. One of the girls excitedly details the sound of an ejection click. She smiles, lending the younger girl her own stethoscope. The girl listens in with the man’s permission in quiet absorption, the ritual being repeated by each of her friends, all of them clearly awed.

The gentleman looks amused at the furore the click of his valves, amplified by his metallic pacemaker, has elicited. She corrects them when needed, leading to a response of all heads nodding at once.

As the clock strikes 1, the students ask for leave to disperse and the crowd of patients mercifully thins. She tells them to go and come back for a short class in the evening, finally leaving behind the pursuit of her elusive lunch and the all-important water.

Her lunch in front of her, her thirst finally quenched, she ruffles through her iPad for information to make the class slides for tomorrow’s discussion. All too soon the short break is over, the slides still unfinished, and she stands, following her friends out of the Duty Doctors’ Room to go on ward rounds. Her eyes flit to a notification on her News app, of a doctor being beaten by goons. She sighs. There is no use pondering over this. I can only do my best. She knows protests do little good, so she hardens her heart and strides out, sliding her phone in her pocket.

Somewhere in the middle of the rounds, the students following her and the senior doctor like ducklings following mother duck, one of them comes running to her. ‘Ma’am,’ his voice is high with fear. She gives him her immediate attention. ‘There’s a man on that bed…’ the boy points, ‘…17, he’s…he’s not really breathing.’

Oh, no. Her friend steps up, running to the patient, while she looks for his details, adrenaline sharpening her senses.

He is a new patient, there is next to nothing on his chart. She can hear a lady wailing and she winces. No one should see their loved one in such a situation, she thinks, even as she squares her shoulders, moving towards the bed, shaking her head at her friend, who had already started CPR. She gently moves the lady aside, trying to console her, even when there is fear in her own heart that the news she might have to deliver could be irredeemable.

‘Doctor?’ asks the lady querulously, ‘you’ll save him, won’t you?’ She looks down for a moment, before meeting the lady’s gaze. ‘We will do our best,’ she replies quietly, grave as the situation is. The lady nods, tears still pooling in her eyes.

She can hear her friend panting. Quiet and quick, she swaps her place with him, continuing CPR. He shoots her a grateful look. She turns her attention to the patient. Between the three of them, they manage to get the patient breathing, she notes with relief. That relief doesn’t last long, though, as she looks the patient over. The catheter connected to him, filled with orange urine, the gross ascites and icterus. He’s on Rifampicin. TB with hepatic encephalopathy. One glance at her friend tells her that he, too, is thinking the same.

The lady with the patient…his wife by the sound of it, reads the grave news on their faces, facilitated, perhaps, by her intubated husband’s gasps of breath. She sinks into the bars of the hospital bed for support. She is at a loss for a moment, as she always is when confronted by the inevitability of death. She kneels then, her hand on the lady’s shoulder, silently commiserating.

When she stands, she looks at the downcast yet awed students and forces a smile. ‘Well,’ she says, stopping them as they turn away, towards the exit, clearly assuming that class is cancelled for the day. She has no intention of doing that, though. They need to learn that life doesn’t stop for those of us still hale.

At the sound of her voice, they turn as one, looking at her with eyes comparable in size to dinner dishes. ‘I’ll just wash my hands and come back,’ she says firmly. ‘You guys go wait in the Duty Doctors’ Room for your class.’ They keep staring at her for a few moments. ‘Go on,’ she instructs. They obey, darting reverential glances at her, talking in hushed whispers. How could someone literally save a life and just go back to normal like that? She hears one of their voices, quiet, dazzled. Despite knowing the truth, the innocent fascination in the boy’s face makes her smile.

I don’t know! She hears one of his friends reply. I want to be a doctor like that, when I finish my degree, when we really become doctors, the girl says, making her smile wider. The younger girl sounds like a young child deciding the goal of her life.

She tamps down the giddy joy and the grief simultaneously warring inside her, long since used to contradictory emotions, keeping a straight face as she strides to the washbasin.

When she enters the Duty room for the class, they’re discussing the exposure she could have had. She smiles wryly for a moment. This kind of exposure is a fact of life, she nearly blurts out, deciding not to, enjoying their impressed approval for a moment, before she clears her throat.

They all look abashed. She decides to proceed as if the moment before had not occurred, which was helped by one of them asking about the man she had done the CPR on. She summarises the case, gives them a few topics to read on and sends them home.

Before leaving the hospital proper, she circulates the wards once more. The CPR patient crashes again. This time, though they try long and hard, the lose the man, the beat of his heart forever silenced.

Her senior takes responsibility of the formalities, telling her to leave. Leave she does, casting one last glance back at the shell of the man, helplessness overtaking her for a moment.

She checks in with her colleague manning the night shift if she is free to go, fighting the uncanny feeling of déjà vu that comes with every patient they lose suddenly, the realisation striking anew that life goes on.

It is a leisurely walk back to hostel, the cool air soothing on her sweat-soaked shirt. She is thinking once more of the next day’s presentation, the number of slides still left to finish off.

After a quick wash-up and dinner, she sits with her iPad. It is nearly midnight when she finishes her work, fighting her drooping eyes. She checks in her WhatsApp, shooting a quick goodnight to her parents. The statues of her medico friends are full of calls for justice against the recent violence. Her non-medico friends are, as usual, conspicuously silent on the matter.

Ah, well, she thinks, it’s not like armchair social media posts can actually do much. Besides, this is not an issue that they face. Why judge? They’re probably thinking the same I do.

She debates posting a status of her own then decides against it, for again, social media can only do so much. The bitter truth can’t be changed.

Her mother’s voice echoes in her head, what mama had said the last time she had shared news of such violence. At least they didn’t kill him. You people get a lot of respect, you know?

She shakes her head, banishing those thoughts. She doesn’t want to have nightmares. Besides, tomorrow, she has to report for ID duty. She needs to be well rested for that. So she thinks of the awestruck students, the young girl’s voice playing in her head. I want to be a doctor like that, she said, when I finish my degree.

She falls asleep with a smile on her face.

When she is leaving for duty the next morning, she loops her stethoscope along the back of her throat, the diaphragm of the steth sitting firmly over her own beating heart. Time for another day at work.

Some terms that might be unknown:

Ejection Click: In some patients with heart problems, there is some backflow of the blood when the heart contracts. This backflow is heard as a ‘click’ sound when a stethoscope is used. This ‘click’ is amplified if the patient has a prosthetic metallic valve, as in case of the old gentleman in the story who is based on a real patient.

Rifampicin: A drug that is part of the four-drug regimen for Tuberculosis (TB). It increases the effect of another drug in the combination, Isoniazid, which is toxic to the liver. India has a huge number of cases of TB, being one of the TB-endemic countries. The orange urine is one of the most noticeable side-effects of using this drug.

Hepatic encephalopathy: Loss of proper brain function due to inability of liver to remove toxins. The patient on whom CPR was administered was in a coma due to this condition. He, too, was based on a real patient.

Ascites: Swelling of the abdomen due to accumulation of fluid in the abdomen.

Icterus: Yellowing of the sclera (whites of the eyes) and bulbar conjuctiva, a hallmark of jaundice.

The doctor here makes the diagnosis of TB with drug induced hepatic encephalopathy because of the ascites and icterus combined with the rifampicin usage and the coma. It is an unfortunately common condition here.

I just noticed that I haven't clarified ID Duty. It means Infectious Diseases ward duty. In this case, I meant COVID-19 duty, though it may not always mean that.

#doctor's day ramble #fiction #sort of #original work #nila writes #scribbler scribbles #nila rambles #doctors #tw: violence against doctors

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deepdonutkid · 4 years ago

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Social media and the Shelby Family

Let’s go from youngest to oldest…

Finn, as said in the first part, is an influencer, who likes to live his life online. He tweets a lot, he has a ton of insta stories and likes to keep his followers updated. Also he follows some trends like trying bubble tee or these weird tik tok dances. Finn even bribed his brothers to try some with him. They refused of course. Tommy said a no and walk right out of the room. John laughed and brushed it off. Arthur tried, but failed hilariously. Good for him, that Finn was teaching him the steps and not filmed the miserable attempt. Michael did and was actually good… and Ada did quite okay. Well, Polly wasn’t even asked, because Finn already knew her answer was no.

A lot of his pictures online are with his friends, especially Jesaja. They skate sometimes and film their tricks. (I added this, because I saw a video of Finn’s Actor- Harry Kirton- skating and I thought it also fit Finn) Whenever he is eating something instagramable, he definitely take a picture. Finn also take good selfies, but he only uses funny filters. So no Dog ears or sparkly flowers here!

He answers messages mostly direct, no waiting time, ‘cus this guy doesn’t play games, but as a Gen Z he would definitely be scared of phone calls. Especially if it’s Polly and there are already two missed calls. Then he just freaks out right away.

And to add a little funny extra: Finn tried among us on his phone and he is kinda sus!

His Whatsapp status would be: “my milkshake brings all the bees to my car. Shit… there are bees in my car!”

-.-.-.-.-

Michael is king of selfie. He knows he looks like god’s gift to the women and he plays that card. His phone is filled with all kinds of selfies. Little narcissist, here! Well, he needs to take a picture from every ankle to capture his beauty.

He also posts some stories on insta, but not so often like Finn. Michael keeps it casual. Just a few party pictures with friends or something super cool like new car.

But as we all know Michael Gray, he likes to play games with da ladies. So sometimes you wouldn’t even get a goodnight from him. If you tease him, he’ll tease back. Probably posts a picture with another woman. She is just a friend, but you’ll not know that. Yes, he can be mean, but if you’ll call him drunk and late at night, that you miss him, he’ll be glad to hear that.

His status would be: “P1 cleaner than your church shoes.” And yes, this is a weeknd lyric from the song starboy

-.-.-.-.-.-

Ada. Yes. I almost forgot her. How could I? She is gorgeous!

Already mentioned in part one… She knows her stuff pretty well. Technology… no problem for this gal right here. Ada can hack into stuff and write codes and programs, but this also made her very aware of data getting misused or stolen from bots. This is why she chose to keep distance from social media. She doesn’t use the gram or snapchat or whatsoever, but she uses secure text messenger and is likely to be found on a super dank meme page and to understand the memes you need the knowledge of years and years internet culture. And Ada talks to Finn and Michael about unprotected data and how they shouldn’t spill so much information about them online.

But she takes a lot of pictures from her kids, her husband, her cute outfits, her house and garden, their vacations. She doesn’t use a normal cloud and prefers to show you the pictures together. One after one and she’s making a comment to every single one of them. About that she could talk for hours.

Her status would be… well, she wouldn’t have any!

-.-.-.-.-.-

So… John-boy! Here isn’t much to say. He uses Instagram, but it’s a rare thing. John might follow some artist, so he is up to date for new concerts to go to and also some friends, but that’s it. On a good day which happens to be every half year he might post a picture, when he went somewhere. To get a new tattoo or if he went to see a game, probably soccer and rugby. If he gets the chance to travel, he’ll make pictures, but he totally forgets to post them or even show them to his family. He prefers to talk with his brothers about the experience of traveling and not starting a slide show.

What he is talking pictures of? Selfies are rare, but do happen, if they are a special request from a gal… and it’s probably shirtless, ‘cus he has got the body. Then again, he took pictures, if he was abroad, not on the usual roads, but only a few. While texting he might send a funny meme, if he sees any and thinks of you. And the occasional picture of “Look what I just got”… and it’s a Vinyl or a band shirt. Even though, he answers his family rarely, when he is in Birmingham, he’d be texting with his lady a lot, having this grin on his face, while Ada asks who he is writing to.

His status would be something like: “punk in drublic.” Which is a festival for said genre, but he just finds it funny. Likely to add “Y/N with an emoji of choice”, when he is in a relationship.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Tommy hates social media and refuses to try it for a long time, but Finn uses it so much, that Tommy had a little interest, what’s going on there. His youngest brother had a lot of explaining to do, which probably went like:

T: “How do I tell the person I like the picture?”

F: “There is the comment button.”

T: “No, I mean the… like thing.”

F: “Double tap on the picture, Tom.”

T: “Good, so… what’s next?”

F: “Nothing. What should happen?”

T: *shrug* “So, this is completely useless!” *deletes the app immediately*

And Tommy is also not the guy to answer private messages directly or often. Sometimes you said on read for days with this fellow, because he is super busy and doesn’t have the time to type. If you’re lucky, you get a quick okay. But if it’s important, he’ll call you right away and asks what happened, and if you need any help. With business he always answers straight and don’t like to waste time.

He doesn’t take pictures really. There may be some incidences where he hit the button by mistake. And there some photos of documents, which he need proof of… so he doesn’t have to rip out a page from a book like its 1920s. And all the pictures of his family has been send to him, he just don’t delete them.

His status would be: “Available” or “At work. Only important calls.”

-.-.-.-.-.-

Arthur… well… he has Facebook and uses it like anyone going on forty… really weird boomer mems, that might have been funny ten years ago. He sends them to everyone and they’re so annoyed by it, but he spares Tommy as his time is too important to waste on ‘funny pictures’.

Some gave him an Echo thing, the one with Alexa, you know, and he was so frustrated by it, that he threw the thing against the wall. Arthur couldn’t get past the set-up and got to angry. His family laughed about it, but it’s better this way.

Thanks to Finn and his little videos, Arthur became a meme himself, because his little brother filmed him while Arthur did something ridiculously stupid. That vid went viral. (Unsure what he did exactly)

His status would be: “Hey, there I am using whatsapp!”

-.-.-.-.-.-

I don’t know what to say about Polly and Freddie… so I leave them out now, but if you have something to add or whatever, feel free to do so!

#peaky blinder headcanon #peaky blinders #tommy shelby #arthur shelby #finn shelby #john shelby #ada thorne #ada shelby #michael gray

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theburialofstrawberries · 5 years ago

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The Indian govt wants to create a Hindu rashtra and they are almost there

17 December 2019

You may have heard that over the past few days, the Delhi police have tear-gassed and lathi-charged students for protesting the Citizenship Amendment Bill. The CAB is an unspeakably cruel bill devoid of any logic, that will threaten the rights and lives of Muslim immigrants, Indian Muslims, along with millions of poor, landless people without the records to prove they are Indian citizens. The BJP is that much closer to realising its Hindutva vision of One State, One Religion.

(What is the CAB? Why should I care? What is the state of protests? Go through this resource list)

I’m directing this post at people who live outside of India, since that seems to be the vast majority of the people I interact with on tumblr (if you reside in India are currently unsure what to do and who to talk to, please DM me. Let’s get you to your nearest protest). I know you’re feeling impotent and I can’t change that but I can confirm things that help:

1/ Spread information, and counter misinformation. We currently lead the world in Internet shutdowns, have been maintaining the longest-running internet shutdown in any democracy in the world in Kashmir (one day of protests in Delhi University led to so much carnage; this has been status quo for Kashmir for >3 months in maybe the most heavily militarised region in the world). Internet shutdowns remain in Assam, Meghalaya, Bengal, and Uttar Pradesh. I don’t know what’s going to happen and I don’t know if its even possible to shut down internet for 1.2 bn people but I have a queasy sense of the lengths this govt. will go to, and they are extreme....all of this is to say that it matters that information is spread fast and widely in a way that gives an unsanitised sense of what is happening on ground

And yes, it’s basic, but it helps us more than it doesn’t. It helps when John Cusack and Harvard Students publish statements of solidarity that get air time; it helps when people from across the ocean say: I see you, and this is wrong. It helps an ordinary student on the ground, at least a little, from going crazy and thinking these atrocities are invisible

Check for daily updates from student organising pages like Pinjra Tod and Collective Delhi, student organisers like Umar Khalid and Kawalpreet Kaur, and from news orgs like The Wire, Scroll

Read longer reportage at sites like Caravan Magazine

Counter misinformation using Altnews.in

2/ Indians who reside outside of India: talk to your family and be persistent. Between Tulsi Gabbard and Howdy Modi! and pro-CAB rallies near UK parliament and Vote-for-Modi flash mobs in European cities, it’s clearer than ever that the affluent and powerful Hindu-majority Indian diaspora have tied their fate with the BJP and RSS. They help polish the govt.’s image internationally and support them financially. Short of the government nationalising Reliance industries, there may be nothing to convince your parents and aunts and uncles that the Modi regime is fascist....except a war of attrition, waged by you. Talk to your family members 1:1. Read headlines to your mom and dad every day. Send news articles and screenshots to your family Whatsapp group. Be incessant, be annoying, keep at it. Aim to make your family blanch at the mention of BJP and disassociate from Hindutva like Sonal Shah had to.

Something’s got to give, right? I read a story on Facebook the other day about a Hindutva mom who had a change of heart when she saw that the brutalised Jamia Islamia University protesters were the same age as her son. If your family loves you, I’d say it’s incumbent on you to leverage that. If you get one concession from your aunt that this isn’t normal, it matters. If you can make your dad feel an unwanted uncomfortable twinge in his belly when he sees police firing shells at unarmed screaming students, it matters.

As and when I get reliable links for ways you can contribute financially to the protests/medical aid etc., I will update the post. Thanks for reading.

#indian politics #cab protests

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p-jiminaa · 4 years ago

Text

Play Date (Part 3)

Park Jimin and You.

Summary: It’s all started with a WhatsApp status.

Genre: Fluff, fluff, fluff, and little angst towards the end.

Gif is not mine, credit to the owner.

Masterlist

You wanted to say 'no' out loud. You ached to tell him that you did not do anything with Jungkook but your mind was clouded by the possibility of him leaving you, without listening to your explanation since he caught you with his friend and what worse than that is he act as if he didn't see you back there. So without saying anything you walk to him and pull him to you while wrapping your arm around his body and burst into tears. "I am sorry." You say in a broken voice. "I just... I wanted to see you last night but seeing you with girls made me so mad that I wanted to leave but caught by Jungkook at the door. We didn't do anything last night. I swear."

You feel Jimin's arm envelop your body. "No No. Y/n. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I know you guys didn't do anything." He tightens his arm around you while placing a kiss onto the top of your head.

"I don't want to lose you Jimin." For real, you don't want to lose him. He's the only person you trust right now.

"Who says about losing me? Hmm?"

"Because you look so mad." You weep.

"I am not mad at you. I am mad at Jungkook. Least he could do is notifying me about you."

"You were busy." At this, you suddenly feel his body stiffens. Slowly he detached himself from you.

He lifted your gazed to meet his eyes. "Just so you know, they are no one. Okay?"

Stupidly enough, without asking him to elaborate more you nodded your head. You should ask him more. Why is he with that girl? Did the message he sent mean nothing?

"Let me send you home."

"Are you sure? I mean is you're about to go somewhere." You remember the conversation you have with Jungkook. He's going somewhere to meet someone and you're pretty sure that someone is not you.

"No, it's fine. I still have time."

"Are you going to meet Cassie?" Your mouth is faster than your thought and you don't even regret your question.

"And if it's her, are you jealous?" He asks, brows raised.

"Just making sure that my boyfriend is not meeting another girl other than his girlfriend."

"It's kinda hot seeing you jealous." You recognized that teasing tone.

You rolled your eyes to his statement. "Yeah, whatever. I am going home."

"Wait seriously?"

"Yeah. Of course." You say as you open up the car's door.

You're about to get in the car when he catches your arm. "You seem off. Tell me."

It's not that you seem off. You literally off right now. People called it paranoid but you called it 'woman instinct'. You just feel a bad hunch especially since he didn't deny your statement earlier. So is that correct then? That he's meeting Cassie. But why? It's Sunday.

"Jimin, I am just tired. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"You know what... come here..." He catches your hand and brought you to his car. But before he opens the door for you, you catch his hand to have his attention. "Where are we going?"

"To get rid of all those bad thoughts of yours." Wait for what? Does he know? But how?

He chortles seeing your face. "I can feel it Y/n. Now come on in..." he says as he opens the door for you and you slide in. Closing the door, he then slides into the driver sits and drives away from the areas.

"Are you kidnapping me?"

"I am Princess."

Your face scrunched hearing the name. "Eww..." He laughs at your response. "Jimin I am serious where are we going?"

"To meet my family." He says as if that a normal thing. Well, it is normal for him but not for you. You're meeting his family for the very first time. Well, you look ahead to meeting his family as he has been telling about them to you but not like this. You've come to meet them unprepared. And what would you introduce yourself to them? Hai, I am Y/n. I decided to date your son because I need someone to play with my heart. That doesn't sound cool.

"Hey Y/n, it's fine. They don't bite." He says reassuring you who looks so nervous. He then moves his hand to hold yours and placed it on his thigh, a gesture that you did not expect at all.

Heaving a long breath to calm yourself down before you ask him again. "Am I not intruding your family time?"

"Y/n... they wanted to see you for a long time. So no, you're not intruding."

You glance at Jimin whose eyes already on you with a smile painted on his lips and nodded his head to assure you before he moves his gaze moved back to the road. Your eyes then trail down to your entangled hands. This makes you both look like a real couple though all of this just a 'playdate'.

"Fine. But Jimin, I have practice later."

He let out a smirk. "I know. But missing practice for a day would not kill, right?"

"Yeah. If I am not caught."

"Then I will make sure you're safe." He lifted your hand, planted a kiss on the back of your hand before he placed it back on his thigh with his attention still on the road. You feel your heart jump because of his action. Just how lucky are you having this man as your boyfriend.

***

When Jimin stop the car, you were beyond surprised seeing several cars parked in front of the bungalow. Why there are so many! "J-Jimin..." you barely able to let out a word due to your nervousness.

Chuckling, he gets off the car and ran to your side, opening the door for you. "I thought there's only your family." By family, you mean his parents and brother.

"Today is my parent's wedding anniversary so there's a celebration." He says as he took your hand, helping you get off the car.

"But..."

"Relax. It's only the close one. The car belongs to my cousin since they live separately with their parents."

If him telling you that he's bringing you to meet his family shock you, this shock you more. "Jimin, I am wearing my last night outfits!" You yell at him, well not out loud but enough for him to understand that you're angry. "And it's still early. Why are all your family is here already."

"My parent is going to Paris after this celebration for their super late honeymoon." He says with a smile on his lips.

"But..."

"No but." He rests his hand on the small back of yours as you walk to the house. "They will be happy to see you Y/n. Plus I wanted to introduce them to you for a long time." He says again.

Jimin did not even knock on the door rather he punch in the passcode on the door. You forgot that this is his home.

When Jimin push opens the door, almost all the head turns to the door. "Jimin!" Everyone's yell in unison. You can see that most of the seats are taken on the couch while some standing near the big glass.

"What’s up everyone!"

When Jimin talks to almost everyone in the room he never forgets to introduce you to them. This is Y/n, my girlfriend. And what you did not expect is that most of them already know you. Now, you really wanted to know what kind of story did Jimin tell them. Plus how can he tell his cousins about you? There are at least fifteen peoples in the room and most of them know you.

"You're the owner of this house yet you're the latest to come." A girl's voice emanates from behind. When you swirl around, a girl with a long hair followed by two other girls who sat with her previously on the couch is walking to both of you. "You must be Y/n." Again! You're quite famous in this family.

In dazed, you turned to him. "I told you they wanted to meet you."

"Yeah. I am Y/n." You introduce yourself to them.

"I am Shera and these are Eva and Kaia." She gestured to the other two younger girls standing beside her.

"Pleasure to meet you."

"We heard a lot about you," Eva said with a teasing smile and you can only smile to her teasing. Now, you're beyond curious about what Jimin told them about you.

"I hope that a good thing."

"Yes, it is. And if you need something to blackmail him. You can text us." Kaia says haughtily.

"Seriously? The first time I brought a girl home, you're already giving her idea to go against me." Jimin whines. Ohhh... so you're the first girl he brought home. That's a good thing to hear.

"Girl will always side with a girl, Jimin," Eva says smugly to which Jimin rolls his eyes, annoyed.

"Finally today is the day I meeting the famous Y/n." A broad shoulder guy says as he walks to you.

"This is Steph. My brother." Eva explained.

"Yeah as if she would believe you."

Wait, what? Confused you turn to Jimin. "They are actually husband and wife." Unable to hide your shock all of them laugh at you.

"Wait you actually believe in her words?" Steph asks in disbelieve.

"Sorry! It's just Jimin told me all of the attendees are his cousin."

"Well, Jimin's father is my Mom's brother so that makes me and Jimin cousin and my husband as his cousin in law. If the terms exist though." Eva explained. Ah okay. You got it now. Stupid you to think that all of his cousins are unmarried. Of course, some of them are married.

"So why are you late?" Steph asks Jimin.

"It's Sunday night what do you expect." You rolled your eyes to his statement. Did he just proudly tell this man that he spent last night partying.

"Wooooo..." You heard four of them woo-ing. Wait did I miss something.

"And I thought Jimin got no jams." Someone from behind says. You see three men sitting but their gazed or attention is on the tv screen except for the guy who interrupted just now.

"That Mino, Eva's brother, and sitting beside him is my brother and Daniel, Kaia's brother."

But you're still confused and then it's hit you. Wait... are they all thinking about that... Turning to Jimin, you hit his body playfully.

"Aww! Babe!"

"We actually did nothing last night." You explained to them fast.

"Aww Y/n. Relax! Although Jimin is considered the youngest among us excluding his brother we understand." Eva says, wiggling her eyebrows.

"But..."

"You need not try to explain it to them because the more you explained, the more worst their imagination is," Jimin whispers at your ears.

"I hate you!"

"Where are the elders?" Jimin asks.

"Dining room. They have so much to discuss." They? You looked at Jimin the same time he turned his gaze to you. They? You mouthed.

His lips quirked into a smile. “Let’s meet them.” He took your hand leading the way. You both stopped at a door and you heard a commotion from inside.

“Hey, turns that frown upside down. It’s just my uncles and aunties.”

“How many?”

“Four.”

“Persons?”

"Couple." Your eyes are wide in disbelieve.

“Aish come on. I’ll introduce you to them.”

Jimin knocked on the door before he opens the door. There you see four women and a man sitting in front of a round table. The first lady in the turquoise dress stood up and walks to you.

"You're late!" She walks closer to Jimin.

"Blame her." Jimin pointed at you. You turn to him and shot your eyes at him. Did he just blame you!

The woman who is not older than fifty turns to you. You feel her eyes scanning you from head to toe. "You must be Y/n." Not a question but rather a statement.

Your eyes blink a few times, shock again that everyone recognized you in this house. "I- I am."

She smiles and hugs you. "It's nice to finally able to meet you, my Dear. Come, I'll introduce you to everyone." She took your hand and introduce you to everyone in the room. To cut it short, the other three couples are either Jimin's mother of father sibling and the one who hugs you just now is none other than Jimin's mother.

Finishing introducing to everyone, she brought you outside and you turn to Jimin, asking for help but he shrugged his shoulder and let his mother bring you to the kitchen, a place where no one is here.

She asks you to sit on the stool when she makes tea for you. She put the glass in front of you before she sits next to you. This is awkward! Nervous, you sip on the hot tea. "Aww..."

"Oh My God! It's hot!" She took the glass from you. "Are you okay?" She asks as she put the glass on the table.

You nodded your head though you can still feel the hotness of the tea on your lips. She stood up, pouring out cold water for you. "Here. It can lessen the pain."

"Thank you." Honestly, it's been a long time since someone cares for you. Well, it's been a long time since mother care for you like this. The last time you remember your mother talking to you, she hits you.

"Is Jimin treating you well?" The water you drank, you almost pour it out hearing the sudden question from Jimin's mother.

"He is."

"That good to hear." She smiles. "Listen, if he ever bully you, come here and I'll teach him a lesson."

Hearing her said that you let out a smile and nodded your head. It's really good when a grown-up took your side. This kind of treatment, you never get it from your complicated family. You both continue talking and you never feel so good and happy talking with Jimin's mother and your tete-a-tete was interrupted when Jimin's dad walks into the kitchen to where you both are sitting.

"You both are talking as if there's no one outside." He says, standing behind Jimin's mother stool.

"I forgot Hun." She says as she turns and meets his gaze. You love it when their eyes lock. That small lovely gesture you hope you'll be able to feel it one day even when you're old and have wrinkles and others.

"Now, I know you're happy meeting Y/n. But everyone is waiting for us outside." He says as he helps her to stand up. "Oh Y/n... come with us." He says again. You followed them closely from behind and as you went out of the kitchen there's a large cake in the middle of the room. Wait... when did they even set that up? Jimin came to your side with his parents standing in front of us.

"What did Mom talks about?" He asks in a whisper.

"I am not telling."

He brought up his hands before he pinches your cheek, playfully of course. "Jimin!" You whisper shout and unfortunately, it was heard by his parent who swirls to your direction. He let go of your cheek once he realized he had been caught red-handed. His Dad shook his head before he turns back while Jimin's Mom is shooting his eyes at him, warning him to behave. She looks over to you, smiling and sending you a wink before she turns back to the front.

"I can't believe that My Mom is on your side." He says with a pout.

You look over at him and shrugged your shoulder. It's not like you can do anything about it. It's all his fault for telling them about you and of course, a woman will always side with another woman.

***

The party ended during lunchtime because they have a flight to catch at 3 PM and Jimin brought you to the airport to send his parents. His mother again, reminding you to tell him if his son ever hurt you or misbehave to which you agreed happily.

"Thank you for today." You say as Jimin stops in front of their frat house.

"It's worth your absent right?" You nodded your head. The time you spent with his family is so precious especially after you meet his mother.

"I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Sure. Text me up once you reached home." You nodded your head. You unbuckle the seat belt and you got off the car. You slide into your seat, starting up the car before he knocked on the glass. He crouched down to meet your eyes and you feel your heart goes crazy seeing him up close. And why would he do this! This kind of thing only happens in a movie or drama. "Don't forget to shower." And just like that your dream of having a little romantic moment crashed! Rolling your eyes, you closed the window before he moved his head and no, you're not that evil so you stop. Your previous act was just to scare him and he did scared!

"Are you trying to kill me?!"

"Whatever. I'll see you tomorrow." You drive off before you hear his response because you know whatever replies he's about to say, it is to annoy you.

It feels different in the morning when the first call you received today is not from Jimin rather it's from his mother reminding you not to forget about your breakfast and asking you about the classes you'll have today. Although it's only for a few minutes, it just feels great knowing that now somebody, a mother figure is concerned about you.

You drive to college with a big smile today but you didn't see him. Not at the car park, not at their usual hang out spot nor at his class. You do remember what class he's having on Monday morning but surprised when you see the class empty. You walk to your first class and you never feel so happy seeing Jungkook sitting in the last row of the class.

"Jimin is here right?" You ask instantly, sitting on the empty spot next to him. Furrowing his eyebrows as he did not expect you to talk him because not going to lie, it's very for both of you to talk unless there's need for it and honestly, that Sunday night is the longest you had ever converse with him.

"Of course. We come together every day."

"But his class is empty." You heaved a sigh.

"Why don't you call him. We are not living in an era where we have to find a payphone to call someone."

"Saying something with a sarcastic tone doesn't make someone sound smart you know. And I tried calling but there's no answer." You lean against the chair.

"Fine. I'll try to ask others." He then let out his phone. A few moments later he put turn his phone and showed the screen to you. A text message from Namjoon. One word.

Library.

Your lips quirked into a smile. You stand up and was about to go out before Jungkook called up your name making you stop on your tracks.

"Miss Y/n, you do know that our class will start in five minutes."

You shrugged your shoulder. "I know. I just need to see my boyfriend" You say without waiting for his reply. Wait did you just said, boyfriend? Wow, this is a kind of new side of you. You can feel your smile on your face. Is this how couples usually feel? Happy when they're about to meet their other half. If this is the case then you don't want to feel out of love.

Entering the library you were shocked when you see most of Jimin's classmates there. Maybe their class is canceled or their class is held in the library today. But whatever the case, you just need to find him because you have limited time now. So you walk upstairs since one of his friends recognized you and pointed upstairs. You mouthed a 'thank you' and walks to the stairs. When your feet on the last step of the stairs, your head turns instantly to the voice you yearn so much but your smiles drop when you see him not alone.

Casie.

They were busy giggling that they did not realize your presence. Letting out an airy chuckle you walk down and meet his friend who helps you just now. "Did you find him? Our class got canceled today and our lecturer asks us to finish our presentation." He explained. But they did not look like someone who is discussing.

"I have to rush to class so no. Thank you again." You say and stalked out of the room fast.

It was during lunchtime when Jimin finally reply to your text. You left in on 'read' because you're on a mission right now.

You watch Casie is on her way to your side. You're actually waiting for her since ten minutes ago by waiting at her locker.

"Casie?" She smiles.

"Yeah."

"Can I talk to you?"

Although she seems shocked, she agreed anyway. You walk towards the soccer field, the only empty area at the moment.

"What is this all about?" She asked, sounding scared and confused. You swirl around to face her.

"Jimin is my boyfriend, I hope whenever you're with him you know your limits." You said it firmly.

"What?"

"Didn't I made myself clear?"

"But we were just doing our presentation."

"Doesn't look like it." You replied with a tone laced with anger.

"If you're having a problem with your boyfriend you should have talked to him not attacking me."

"But you're the root of this."

Heaving a sigh, she nodded her head. "Fine! I'll keep that in mind." She says angrily before she walks away from you.

It was after the meeting with her that Jimin started calling you. You kind of expect her to report about your meeting to Jimin but wow, this is so quick.

Your car, now.

He sent you a text when you keep on ignoring his call and you have no choice other than to meet him.

You saw how angry his expression are. You saw how he watched your every step until you reached him.

"What did you say to Casie?"

"I am just trying to remind her."

"You need not remind her. She knows her place!" He yells, eyes piercing at you. This attracts unwanted attention from the student who sat at the bench near the car park.

"Jimin, let's discuss it anywhere but here." You tried to hold his arm but he shrugged your hand away.

"Until you realized what your mistakes are, don't ever try to call me." He left and walk to his car and drove away, leaving you on the car park with people whispering whatever they just witness.

You went back to your class taking your bag with you and went home only to be greeted by another problem when your Dad throws a bag at your face once you step in your home. Now, you really have nowhere to go.

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nightowlgunner · 4 years ago

Text

Her

It was like June 2020 when I started playing with Kristine. That was also the time na she got laid off so we got the chance na magkalaro sa game full time. It was also the time na, I slowly opened up to her. Because I have strong walls eh, I do not let people come in my life easily. Since Kristine looks sincere and a listener to me, I gave her the way to get in. I talk about my rants about how my day goes and my relationship status with Joan. There is something about her that makes me want to know her more. There are many things na napagkakasunduan namin that leads to laughing and feeling na magaan lang kausap. I also liked that she is interested in the Game that I am playing, We shared things from the moment she started playing pc games back then, her ex gf's, her dramas in life, her fam, her girlfriend but not too much of it. She shares her problem too, the same goes with me.

Back then, I got curious about Kristine because of the stories that I have heard from Joan about her and her ex-gf and the toxicity of her relationship with Rose.

I admit she got my sympathy. Reminded me of my past relationship and how she handled it. Later on, whenever Kristine goes back here in Manila for a vacation, she always invites us. So I have no choice but to go with Joan though I am way too shy na makihalubilo sa mga tao.

By the first time that I met Kristine she was with her ex-gf Siena. There was nothing special or any thing that I felt. I was just nervous meeting her. Idk. Because I feel like she is intimidating. It was just a stage of knowing her, but she was nice naman. That time I remember Joan blocked her on my fb friend's list because of some reasons that i am not sure of, like Jealousy. Joan is always jealous which make me feel like hindi ako katiwa tiwalang tao. Lol. Grabe lang. And since then, Kristine unblocked me.

Way back 2018, I casually message her, like saying Hi, Hello, a little update of my day, and a little sharing of how me and Joan is doing.

I remember that it was also the time that she is trying to open up about her problems with Siena and so i made a GC where me, Joan and tine are messaging so she will not think too much back in Dubai.

I think she was on the verge of breaking up with Siena?

I have work back then so our exchange of messages was not that constant.

Joan used to rant at Kristine about me and how our life have been, which I do not like. Kasi nahihiya ako na kailangan pa ilabas ang mga bagay bagay na hindi naman dapat. There are times I feel uncomfortable kapag sinasabihan din ako ni Tine about our probs. But i just shrugged it off na lang.

It was also the time that I am focus to Joan too.

'Til Pandemic came. I am so happy may kalaro na ako sa game and that is her. Most of the time we play during afternoons, we also got the chance to try voice call each other on Messenger.

Then there goes the story, we talk a lot, shared a lot and our game time is way fun because she is a good team mate.

She was a good listener. And she understands me. Not all the time she is in favor of me, there are times she helps me understand things.

But most of the time, She makes me feel valid.

August came and Joan celebrated her birthday.

September and I celebrated mine, and I received a gift from her, it was a cake. She told me in Whatsapp that it was for me only. She just made it look like it was also for Joan since she never gave her any present last month.

October came, and I decided to make a surprise for her birthday, I'm talking about Kristine here. And so I did. We call her through VC in Messenger and I greeted her in my Facebook Gaming page, and made an appreciation post for her in my IG, which she really liked.

November came and I broke my thoughts to her. It was my nephew's birthday, Ethan.

I told her through Whatsapp that I liked her. That I liked her back then because of some reasons like, She went through hell in her relationships yet she stood up, etc. and my curiosity ate me.

I told her I might not feel uncomfortable talking to her because she already knew my secret that I like her. Then Kristine said, Bakit naman?

I asked her am I not likeable? She answered me, it's not that I am not likeable, she also said that she knew that I am a good person, and she reminded me that it was wrong. I told her I have no intentions of ruining her and Kamille. I just wanted her to know that I liked her, period.

Then we played a game, shared some secrets and stuff, because I started to trust her na.

Then as days goes by, we play constant and we talk mostly.

She even shared to me the time she went to sleep over with workmates because Kamille and her had an argument. We had our first Video Call in Messenger the next day before she go to work. Send me photos that I asked her too cause I am not seeing her lately.

We still talk even at her work hours, I listen to her work rants and stuff.

Then came an issue of this gaming headset that she wants to give me without malice as claimed by Kristine. Joan did not like the gesture. So, we talked secretly and talk about it. We agreed not to pursue the headset anymore.

December came and yah, we still play. I found out she resigned at her work.

I had an issue with a basher of my page, so I have to deactivate my gaming page and make an investigation who the hell is she.

So my attention draws closer to the game itself and also Kristine. and stop streaming for a while, She decided to install the Global server instead of using Garena for months because she is running out of VPN's to use for free anymore.

I felt like we have this kind of understanding where she gets me. And she agreed. But sometimes she sends me mixed signals.

I came to a point where I became confused.

I felt the need to share this because I am having these "time bomb" like feelings that if I cannot find a way to consult it to other person i am gonna explode and became clingy at her.

So I brought my classmate back in High School named Annarie, who prefers to call herself Pacsy. We play in Garena sometimes and we chat in Messenger too. I shared her my thoughts about Kristine. And I decide to her to be like the observant of the girl I liked if she feels the same way to me.

There are times that I felt jealous whenever there is a guy flirting with her on the game and sometimes she makes me feel that she is jealous too when I do the same.

And then came February, we had an argument.

My thoughts went confused, concern at Pacsy, and at the same time jealous.

Felt bad because we made a promise to each other to be open and not keep secrets. But things fail.

I broke down and cried.

Then came Joan who confronted Kristine, and Pacsy without me knowing it because I was asleep when Joan hacked my phone. I lost all of my phone datas and apps.

And I did not like it. Joan should have talked the proper way but instead choose to hysterical all the time.

She discovered that, there is something between me and Kristine based on our exchange of chats in Messenger.

Since I'm woman enough to admit my fault, I did.

I admit that I fell to Kristine.

Joan blocked her in my Messenger first.

And next is IG.

CODM became an exception.

It was a week of pain and confusion and discoveries.

I have discovered that She admits that she felt the same way for me.

That she doesn't want to lose me too.

That I am important to her, that she thinks of me by the time we lost our communication for like a week and more.

She was the one who initiated a contact.

I knew in my heart she wants it.

Let me just have a detailed flashback:

FEB 17: That night, we played, me, Pacsy and her. Dhanush invited me. I said sorry to them. And Kristine drop this line that it will be the last time she will talk to US. So I distant myself.

FEB 18: It was like 5pm, I called Pacs and I apologized to her of what happened and I cried because of what I feel in my situation. I told her, it was so hard to tell Joan that I fell in-love with her friend.

I asked Pacs not to update Kristine about me anymore because I wanna distant too.

FEB 18: 10:30 PM Pacsy texted me that Ktine asked her a favor to tell me that Joan is attacking her on messenger. I just said, it was noted.

FEB 19: Vertigo attacked me.

FEB 26: I received an XP rewards from Kristine. Just to be clear, giving away XP rewards is customized, you are the one who will choose who to give it to. And with that gesture, I knew in my heart she wants to talk and play with me. The past days Dhanush has been chatting me whenever he is playing with her. I told Dhanush I cant because she does not want to talk to me anymore and I wanna keep my distance too.

FEB 27-28

I played in CODM that night and I message her in the app, and invited her to play. Just a duo. At first she said, "Hi joan." then I told her, "Hindi nuh, hahaha." Then we play both off mic. And I notice she is messaging me while playing and says she misses me. "imy" I asked her "Kumusta" etc. At first I did not want to answer back I miss her too, because I am doubtful that it might be Kamille who's playing, but again, I knew it was her. So I told her, I miss this duo. Then she replied ":(".

Its like we had 2 games only, I said goodbye yet she tried to invite me again for another round for a squad with Dhanush but I have to leave the app and so I did.

FEB 29

We talked in CODM Global server app. We did not play instead we just talked. She told me she created an account in deviantart.com which is a website for artists, I actually have account there for art purposes. However she cant find my account there so I suggest how about Twitter. She opened up to me that day, as I remember, she apologized to me of the things she have done like how she cracked my secret to Joan etc. She said she does not normally say sorry to anyone yet she is doing it for me that day. I asked her if, "hindi ba kapani paniwala kapag ako ang nagsabi na mahal kita?"

She answered, she feels things the same way. She understands that my IG stories was for her mostly, and I claimed it. She told me she was scared to lose communication with me, that sometimes she feels like she's using another person just to get connected at me. And I get what she is saying. She said that she felt something for me.

I am sorry but the words we shared felt like... there is something.

Days have gone by, We played again. However I am hiding it.

I made a letter for her by using a website app. I told her everything there.

We also both made a Twitter account. Obviously, we missed each other.

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