#but i put the advice there for if you reaaaaally want to to try and revive the friendship

[autisticaradiamegido]

Haiiii!

You're that senshi cosplayer right?

My brother is trying to cosplay him, do you have any tips?

Oh man Senshi involved a LOT of firsts for me cosplay-wise, so I am not sure I did everything in the best or most efficient way. But! Here is a quick rundown of what I did. Skirt and Bracers w/ the fur: - this is a pretty basic sewing project! i just bought some brown faux-leather at joanns and made some slightly tapered tubes based on my waist and arm measurements. very easy and very little patterning involved!

The top: - literally just wore a gray tank top i already had

The armor: - Oh man okay this was my first time doing proper EVA foam armor, so take everything I say with a grain of salt BUT!! basically, I patterned everything out in paper first to get a decent idea of how it would fit on me. then i traced it out on some EVA foam rolls I had lying around from other cosplay prop builds, just a little bigger than my paper mock-ups to account for The Thickness of the foam. -The helmet was absolutely the hardest part and my main advice here is to be at peace with the idea that you may have to redo a lot of stuff and build a lot of prototypes to get that thing to fit your head right. - Once you have the foam base, you can build on top of it with foam clay to clean up the seams/add more organic shapes and details/etc. and if you use water to blend it in with the foam it can turn out reeeeally nice and seamless! I got all those supplies at michaels. -then after making sure all of that is nice and smooth and sculpted how you want it, you can sand and carve in any last details. THEN it's time to seal that shit for painting and durability! -for this, i used Plasti-Dip. it is basically a spray paint that creates a rubberized coating over top of the foam. this means the foam wont just soak up the paint when you apply it, AND it helps stiffen everything up a bit while still leaving it flexible AND toughening it up against dings and dents. -then painting! my biggest painting tip is WEATHER THAT SHIT!!! painting a single solid color can get it all unified but what'll really sell the look is going back over those base colors with watered down black to get it into all the little imperfections and stay there, bring out the details and add texture. makes the armor feel lived-in! -ALL THAT SAID: I actually found out later that a number of people have put out 3D print files for the various armor bits AND the helmet, so if you either HAVE a 3D printer or are willing to shell out for somebody else to print those for you to assemble, that might be an easier way to go about it! all up to you, i cant vouch for how that goes re: fitting it to your specific body and all that, plus idk how comfy itd be in comparison? but it certainly seems easier lol The sandals: -same as above only i attached the armor bits to a pair of flip flops i already had and thought were comfy. senshis foot armor situation is kinda wacky ngl. i have no idea what that weird crescenty bit on top of his toes is for. but thats what the reference images show sooo what can ya do.

THE BEARD: -oh man so this was another first but i REAAAAALLY loved the result. okay so my tip is this: if you want your wig and beard to match exactly? just buy two of the same wig. one goes on your head, and one gets flipped turned upside down and cut into a beard shape!!! -i will tell you a cheap lace-front wig is a LOT more affordable than one of those fancy hand-laced beard pieces, and it LOOKS waaaay better than like, the usual party city fake pirate beard you will probably find when searching for affordable costume facial hair, particularly if he's gonna want the option to remove the helmet and go full Hot Senshi Mode.

-literally i just had to cut a hole in the wig for my mouth and trim up a decent mustache above the mouth hole. -then you can use the little uhh.... elasticky bits? with the hooks?? that go inside the wig and help you adjust it to your head size? i literally just stretched them up and hooked them onto my wig cap and i BARELY needed to tack anything down with spirit gum. it held that thing up like a fucking champ and, all things considered, was pretty comfy!! didnt have to hook anything over my ears or anything!! -oh if you dont have any experience with spirit gum tho MAKE SURE YOU ALSO PURCHASE SPIRIT GUM REMOVER. it leaves such a nasty residue after, and its a son of a bitch to scrub off. i super recommend the remover.

oh and remember to add some blush to your nose when you go out wearing the full thing. rly adds to the overall Senshi effect i think! uhhh i think thats it??? for senshi's pan i literally just bought like a big fucking wok and strapped it to my back. it wasnt as heavy as youd think tbh but then i am kind of a tryhard. and for the little walking mushroom... idk! my mom crocheted it for me a while back and i thought it would be a really cute prop!

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

i'm acquainted with an afab nb who calls himself a "lesbian" (he's okay with male pronouns btw). around 2 years ago, when we were 15 i met him through a childhood friend because she said we would get along. we hit it off nearly instantly and we would talk everyday. he told me he was nb and i told him i was a trans man, at the time i was still on the fence on nb and i didn't care enough torisk my connection with him over this. then we mzade plans to meet up again and he said he wanted to make out and shit when we met. i accepted because i found him attractive and nice, things are going well! then a few days before our meeting i find out he's a lesbian apparently. i go "well, than that means our hook up is cancelled lol" and he goes "no, that's alright, i see you as a woman". yep. i made up an excuse not to meet him because that was such a huge shock.

we're from Brazil, so we use portuguese, a latin language that has no gender neutral pronouns, so people started making up such gender neutral pronouns and i view them just the same as neopronouns : unnecessary and easy to use. after a while, he said that he was now going by one of those neopronouns and sent me a link to those pronoun listing sites, i tried to explain to him that it's very hard for me to just learn new sets of pronouns because autism and shit, and he says he doesn't want to talk to me anymore because of that.

i still have him added on whatsapp but we don't talk, i just see the "fuck cishet" "fuck gender" memes he posts on his status. from talking to him over the years, i could see he's genuinely dysphoric. he told me his most urgent plan was to go see a therapist to start medically transitioning like me. he would sometimes talk about how much he wanted to be on hormones, get top surgery, get phalloplasty but he's totally not a man! i also don't doubt he is a lesbian because we used to talk about women a lot, so it's mostly just a skewed view on what the label means, nb people can't be lesbians and such. to me, it sounds like he's just a trans dude, but because he's so into the Twitter mentality of hating cishets and 278292 genders and fuck men that he just doesn't want to be a straight guy. i'm a trans bi guy and i even sometimes make jokes about "God im so straight" when i see a hot woman but considering that he has very lefty views being straight must be the end of the world for him.

do you think it's a lost cause? should i try to talk to him again? i say this because he's genuinely a nice person but he's also the one who can't shut up about how men are so bad and gender is so cosmic and other dumb shit. considering we're still 17, i kinda hope he can change. honestly i just miss having someone to play minecraft with and i can relate a lot with him.

I'm not a wise old community member with years of experience to give you the perfect solution. But I have had my share of friendships falling apart for various reasons. And let me tell you, sometimes it's better to stop being friends. Sometimes the nostalgia of the past makes it hard to realize that. Unfriending someone isn't easy. Losing someone is always scary. But you gonna do what's best for you.

But if you really want to continue the friendship I would shoot them a message. Ask if they still only see you as a women. If yes, drop them. That part of your story really rubbed me the wrong way. If he can't see you as a man, then he isn't worth keeping as a friend. It's not worth trying to make it work if he's not even going to see you as who you are.

If he does see you as a man, ask him if he actually wants to be friends or not. He might just say no and if so, again, it's not worth trying to make it work somehow. If he says yes, set your boundaries. No hating men talk or other things that make you uncomfortable while you two are hanging out. If he agrees great. Otherwise, he isn't going to make you feel happy. He'll only frustrate you and make you feel guilty/angry.

Personally, I'd unfriend him and move on. Someone who can't see me as a man and has clearly shown they don't want to reach out to me isn't a relationship I'm willing to put energy into. But you're not me. If you think it's worth it, the worse thing that can happen by reaching out is him proving he won't respect you. He certainly is capable of changing. People change a lot as they get more experiences as adults. But they can change for better or for worse. And it's not your job to help them. It sucks letting someone go. But some people just really aren't worth the emotions they're gonna put you through if you continue to be around them.

Good luck. And I hope you figure out which option is gonna be best for you. And I especially hope you're able to find friends that respect you as the man you are and don't make you uncomfortable. You deserve that. And there are people who will respect you a lot more then this person.

[meowlayn-art]

meowlayn, i was just wondering, and this might be a rlly bizzare question, but i see on twitter that your commissions are closed, but once they open up again, would you consider drawing me a tattoo design? 👀👉🏽👈🏽 i really like how you draw flowers, the ones on the obey me boys look flawless, and ive been wanting to get a specific tattoo designed that has flowers in it, and if you’d be okay with designing one for me, i’d love to commission you to draw it for me!! 😁🤩 ofc its completely fine if youre not okay w the idea of this, i know tattoo designs can be a whole different ballpark,, i just thought it would be worth asking heheh (^-^)

Hi @leiigh!

Wow thanks a lot for asking, that’s really... Well that’s really flattering to say the least! My brain went blank for a minute there haha. It’s such an honour to see that someone would consider getting my art tattooed on themselves. Really! (°◡°♡) And no worries, it’s not a weird question! 

(It’s a long-ish answer so I am putting it under a cut.)

Ok now that my braincells are back, I can type haha. I am not a professional tattoo artist, but I have a few friends who design them (and I personnaly have and enjoy them too), so I put a few advices that could be useful. You are free to follow them or not, of course. I just wanted to make sure you have a few other infos before jumping on this exciting project.

For now, I don’t feel 100% comfortable with the idea of designing and selling a tattoo design, given that my artstyle, as it is, is not suited for tattoos (uneven lineart, too many colors, etc...). It means I would have to spend a lot of time on trying to draw something that a tattoo artist will have to tweak anyway (with me having no control over it etc...), and for now I don’t know, it scares me a bit xD I could technically do it, because the flowers I did for the ObeyMe! portraits are all completely hand-drawn - (EXCEPT for Satan. He has a complex floral scarf thingy, so I actually used a lineart floral brush from Clip Studio Paint, then added manually the eyeglobes, tweaked the lineart a bit again, colored it, shaded it... ) But even if I did, it probably wouldn’t be as good as the one from someone who is used to designing tattoos, because the weight of the lines, the shading, the colors if you want colors, the composition etc... is really different.

I think that if you ever want to commission an illustrator for this project, you should have in mind that:

You need to find a tattoo artist that is ok with tattooing someone else’s work (and vice versa of course). Not every tattoo artist is ok with tattooing someone else’s work : some want to avoid problems in case it’s a stolen design, other’s are tattoo designer themselves and wouldn’t want someone else’s design to appear on their “walking portfolio” - aka you - etc... Maybe you already knew it! :) But if not, I would suggest you to start by finding a GOOD tattoo artist (emphasize on good), that is also ok with that (whether it’s tattooing custom-made design or ticket tattoos - you can google it if you don’t know what it is ^^). It will save you time!

Tattoo design is indeed a whole other technique, on a whole other medium (skin). So if you commission an illustrator that isn’t a tattoo designer, I would really, reaaaaally suggest you make sure that the tattoo artist that will tattoo you redesigns it so that it’s suitable for tattoos. And make sure the illustrator you commissioned is ok with their work being slightly modified, because some may not. Some designs, although absolutely wonderful on a piece of paper, might NOT look as good once tattooed and/or age well (lineart too thin, colors fades too quickly, bad composition), so you really need a professional’s opinion on that.

My final advice would be : try and find a good tattoo artist 1) whose artstyle and universe speak to you 2) that is used to doing custom tattoo design, 3) and run your ideas by them!

If what you wanted was a tattoo design with spooky eyeglobe flowers and it’s their jam, chances are they would love to work on a custom piece. And you are more than welcome to show them my pieces as a reference ! I don’t mind any tattoo artists taking inspiration from that - I do not own this concept afterall ^^ - on the contrary! The only thing I don’t want is straight copy or worse, tracing - but no decent tattoo artist would do that I think. Thanks again Leiigh, for enjoying my art that much and considering commissioning me for a tattoo design. It really means a lot! And I am sorry if my answer disappoint you - I hope my little advices will nonetheless help you find the perfect artist(s) for your project! And feel free to drop a picture of your tattoo once it’s done, I would love to see it!

[sircarolyn]

vaduz thoughts:

ok babes it’s time - it’ll be no surprise to anyone that this is my fav episode of all time and i’m not sorry for how long my thoughts on it will probably be. i know this ep off by heart. let’s go

how long have they all been stood there bickering about the plan. how many recaps have there been before this point

‘some people do.... we don’t though’ 

herc just wants a nice holiday <3

ok but like... what if this was the first time that carolyn really thought about herc and his serial divorces.... hmm...

‘hercules shipwright did you just do a my ex-wife’s so fat joke’

THERESA!!!! i adore this woman i love her 

and a classic finnemore set up of the dragon metaphor, even though we know carolyn and theresa are best dragony friends together 

‘it will allow me to catch my breath from all the hilarity’ 

love that theresa just doesn’t give a shit. she’s so mildly amused by all the shenanigans instead of getting angry. how often does this sort of thing happen to this poor woman

windsurfing lessons <3 can you imagine!!!

herc just wants her to stay.... she just wants the first out she can find... 

‘low and reverent hoots’ 

‘i reaaaaally have to go’ just. this whole thing is so interesting and important. like her inability to accept that he loves her and her reluctance to let herself love him back... ouch... and all herc wants is her commitment to him, for her to just be willing to stay. and then she is. oh my god. she could so easily back out here and leave and that would probably be it. end of relationship. but she chooses to stay. oh my godddddddd

‘of course you have’ douglas is such a prat <3

petanque! makes me laugh so much

martin stop being a tit to the ground crew 

‘shall i offer to take his crown’ what a sweetheart

douglas’ incredulity at the fact martin has medals, and then the ruthless mockery of them afterwards, classic 

and arthur <3

godddd and herc knows what a big deal it is that she’s stayed with him. clearly she’s cold and mean and not at all forthcoming with her feelings but like. she stayed. and that is as good as admitting anything, for her 

‘don’t ask don’t tell like gay american soldiers before 2011′ the best line

‘soft shoe shuffle’ <3 

‘she is in.... front of you’ poor theresa i love her so much 

martin’s trying so so hard to be cool and douglas is just being a twat, as per. comedy gold

‘green truck!’ 

‘children can be so cool’ douglas and theresa being witty together would be such a killer

‘you come with decorations... like a little chirstmas tree’ theresa flirt with me challenge i cannot tell you how much i love her 

‘maxi do we have a medal for teasing recognition’ and martin’s awkward chuckle <3

how much does carolyn want to throw them all in a dungeon sometimes 

‘it’s his fault’ ‘i know’ douglas is at his best chipping in from the sidelines form in this one 

‘we are newton’s worst nightmare’ a quote that haunted me for much of my physics degree

‘if we’re not in this for the medium long term’ ouch! i just... ouch. there’s so much to think about in this scene. like. he just wants her to tell him to stay, he wants her to admit that she wants him there. and he sounds so disappointed that she won’t ask him to, oh my god she’s so emotionally stunted 

carl i love you <3

love that they’ve dipped into arthur’s in flight arts and crafts cupboard. i’m fully willing to believe that exists

‘bit of a dragon is she?’ i fully believe too that theresa does call her that all the time, fondly. it’s like a thing between them

arthur as the royal henchman <3

and martin’s advice, oh buddy, you should take it yourself

theresa wanting to be a pilot <3 

‘i will talk to her’ like carolyn clearly hates being put in her place like this but later, when they’re best friends, they’re going to be so scary and wonderful

theresa and her mother issues.... which is an idea in the fic bank for later 

oh martin and the air museum <3 i feel so fond of him in this one - series 4 martin is certainly the best iteration

[needyounow-love]

Congratulations on your followers! You totally deserve all the love (ㅅ´ ˘ `)♡ I wanted to kindly ask for a matchup, so here we go! I'm the mom-type friend; always taking care of others, reaaaaally affectionate and full of good advice. I love to read romantic novels, baking, I totally love taking care of cats and to write fanfiction! I might appear very serious and kinda mean at first, but when I get comfortable I am a total crackhead! I am clumsy, I make lots of jokes and I LOVE peppering everyone with good ol' smooches. Sometimes I forget to take care of myself, but I'll never stop taking care of others. I always put my loved ones first, no matter what. I'm hella competitive and sarcastic when angry but I chill pretty easily if someone hugs me lmao (bc I'm a proud ��gemini✨) Uhmmm... and that's it, I guess! Also, I sleep a lot so cuddles are a MUST in my daily routine! I hope it's not that difficult! Have a nice week, stay hydrated and eat a lot! ♡

Hi hi, thank you!💖

I match you with Leviathan!

Not gonna lie, but he would be intimidated at first (until you would start getting comfortable around him) and he would first think that you're playing some tricks on him before slowly realising that's just your personality.

Levi would try to act like your affection and care doesn't affect him but he would fail everytime you give him the slight attention because we all know how touch starved he is.

Congratulations, you're both very competitive and he's going to realise it really soon. That's not a bad think tho because Levi, being an Aries, would think about it as a way to spice up the relationship (people who's star sign is Aries can really love a good/goofy competition with their partner).

It will take him a bit, but after some time he will be the first to search for you for his daily cuddles💖💖

Also, he's not completely good at taking care of himself so having someone that does that for him would make him feel really cared for.

[unikornu]

Page 12, The Gals Time, L&L,

The sun was slowly reaching a horizon casting a strong orange shade on the Nuka Town. Lucy and Gage were on the way back from another journey out into the dry desert, their spirits up as nothing seemed to disturb their routine of slowly getting the gangs under control. 

-Boss, are you sure you had nothing to do with that haunted little girl crap story? You seem pretty capable of causing mayhem from what i’ve seen. Gage joked and enjoyed the view in front of him as the boss was swinging her hips to the sides, puffing a smoke of his cigarette in the air. 

-Just because someone had a same name doesn’t mean its me, c'mon we know it was not even real. She kicked open the door to Fizztop and turned towards the elevator. - But i could show you something that is pretty fucking real..upstairs, if you catch my drift. She looked at him, biting her lips and leaned with her back to the wall at the elevator’s door. 

The more time they were spending together without arguing and fighting instead, pushing their plans onward the more deeper she seemed to fall into the rough raider and this post-nuclear lifestyle as it fitted her as well, even better than the one she had before. Gage wasn’t pushing her hidden suggestions away as often as he used to before, approaching her with his usual grin and looking down at her with certain satisfaction in his eye.

-Ohh…I bet you could start even on the way up hm? He punched a button next to her shoulder and as their lips were shortening the distance Gage suddenly stopped and pulled back up. 

- What now…? Lucy pouted and puffed at him, slightly annoyed by breaking the moment. 

- The elevator Boss…it is up, it never is as we leave. Something ain’t right. Someone else used it. They both backed off from the door with their weapons ready as the lift arrived down, its door opened, empty.

  -That someone might still be up there. Use the outside one and i will go from here. And take this, it might be a trap. She threw him a stealth boy and entered the elevator. 

- Ok Boss, just…be careful. They nodded at each other and as the door closed she crouched low and hugged the corner inside. Raider at the same time covered himself invisible and moved up from the outside.

 *ding* The door slide open, Lucy awaiting in the shadows for any sounds of steps from the room. Silence. She stood up and walked silently towards the patio eyeballing for anything suspicious around. Upon approaching the the two winged door she put her ear to the wooden rough structure of it, hearing just Gage arriving up. She opened the door slowly peeking through a small crack seeing just a dark tall silhouette. She gasped loudly and fell back as the bullet ripped through the wood right next to her cheek. - Fuck! He’s at the bar! Take this fucker down!

Gage heard the signal and as he was about to shove some lead into the man’s head his camouflage worn off. The man dodged the bullet, ducking behind the bar, answering the fire with the laser pistol. Using the distraction Lucy rolled towards the middle bar. She noticed the man wearing a long blue coat and a round classic hat, his face covered with a metalic mask and something that looked like a minuteman sign on his sleeve. As the men were exchanging bullets, shuttering everything to a pieces on their way she noticed that the stranger started heading towards the broken window pulling a stealth device from his pocket.

  - Oh no, you ain’t going anywhere sir. She threw her knife swiftly, its blade flying towards the man’s leg as he was about to make a long jump outside, losing his balance in a process and falling straight down to the hard concrete. The sound of body squashing upon the impact almost pulled the disgust on both of their faces but it turned fast into a chuckle. - Lets go see who the hell he was, maybe there is still something…scrapable. She ordered and rode down with the raider.

To their surprise the body was no longer down, vanished, only blood splattered around, her knife and a holotape, undamaged. She picked it up and shoved into the pipboy.

  “After a week her signal disappeared at the station. Next signal appeared almost a month later from the location…called..safari adventure? whatever, one of our bots managed to catch their plot. She wasn’t kidnapped or lost, neither she’s dead. Instead turned on us and the Commonwealth…traitorous bitch. We need to take her down before. When u finish, put the eyebot back on the patrol. I want to know everything so minutemen can prepare…”

-Oh my God…i forgot that Sturges installed that chip…in my pipboy in case of…. Fuck. Her face paled as she look back at Gage, her hands shaking.

-Boss…i will be fucking serious right now. Gage forehead wrinkled heavily as his eyebrows twitched into the anger. - You did not tell the fucking minuteman that you are done with them eh? You did not think for a single second that they might be fucking looking for you?! And that u have a fucking tracking chip in pipboy!  He approached her closer poking her chest with a finger, strong enough to make her lose balance. - You just endangered our whole plan with your stupid impulse thinking! And you know what? You gonna deal with it on your own this time because i will be busy setting up whatever shit i can at gauntlet and all over the Nuka Town to cover our fucking asses from being swarmed by minutemen or whoever was this guy. Good luck Boss. He moved her out of the way like a piece of furniture and stormed off deep into Nuka Town without even waiting to hear her back.

  -Gage wait…eh, shit.  She felt like their relationship resembled a sinusoid, going up and down so often but he was right this time, again…She stood confused thinking about her next move but it was first time she was on her own with a task at hand like that. Gage needed her in different matters but she relied on his advices so long that being now, without him made her feel helpless and unsure. After a moment of pondering it came to her mind that there is still one more person she can trust as much and that won’t judge her foolish actions, Lizzie Wyath.

-----

  Lizzie was spending most of the time in her laboratory, down the stairs under the Parlor where no one would bother her brilliant shy mind. But she was always all ears and mouth when it came to Boss, turning into a chatterbox that seemed to have no end. 

-Boss, what a nice surprise! Came to check in on my latest inventions or…maybe you wanna test some on your own? She approached her excited about the visit holding a vial that was releasing a strong stinky cloud in the air.

- Actually, i was about to ask you out. For a…field trip. You and me. Secret mission. Lucy was waving the hand under her nose to push the smoke away from her nostrils and coughing a bit.

  - Out? No no…you know i hate field missions. I only agreed to come here because Mags promised me my own laboratory and that she will use me only when its reaaaaally necessary. Lizzie turned back to her shelf full of vials but was stopped by the boss grabbing her by the upper arms and turning back at her.

-It is necessary Lizzie. I fucking need you and your brain right now. I fucked up badly and i could really use your help, please? I promise that if u agree i will then sit with you whole evening and test whatever weird ass shit stuff you want. Lucy was desperate shaking her as she started explaining what happened. Lizzie released her arms and raised the palms of her hands towards the boss trying to calm her down.

  -Okay okay cool off, chip, robot, minutemen. I will….help but come on first, lets sit and explain me the plan of ours as i get that chip out of your pipboy.

  Lizzie was the second person that Lucy came clear in terms of trust. She almost didn’t fit to the whole place and raider style but beneath that delicate darker skin and tired eyes the inventions and mental arsenal she could deliver proved very useful and scary at times to the Operators. After all she was also like a family member for Mags and William. The deadly trio since the very teenage times. Her introvertic bobble was poping every time she had a occasion to spend some alone time with boss, filling each other with stories and gossip around the town, bringing back some memories on how it was nice to chatter late night and drink without worrying about the gun pulled to the back of the head.

-Aaaaand there it is, that Sturges seem to know his stuff. Well attached, and it didn’t burn after all that time. Lizzie pulled with tweezers very gently a small square piece of tech out of the pipboy, almost impressed. - So..what do you want to do with it? She asked, putting her tools back at the shelf below.

Lucy took a chip, humming under her nose and spinning it in her fingers. After a short thought process she threw it to the ground and smashed with a heel of her boot. - Well, that! Now grab your stuff and lets go to safari to find that bot before i will join the Gage’s club of having another half the town blame me for some shitty mistakes.

  -Oh boy, right behind you Boss. Lizzie pulled a goggles up and snatched the plasma pistol along with a small bag of tools from the drawer. They headed out in a rush through the back door to avoid Mags and William stopping them to asnwer as to whats going on as Lizzie going out was already a strange evenement.

----

  -Sooooo…..how is he? Hm? Lizzie broke a silence as they were on their way towards the Safari Park, the darkness of the incoming night surrounding them and only flickering lights of a distant buildings being their guide.

-Hm, who? Porter? She looked surprised by a direct question but seeing her relaxed face and corner of her lips raised slightly up she knew its a girl chit chat time. - Well…he’s not the most talkative man on the planet but he definitely recompense it with actions and uhm..looks. 

-Mmmm, what kind of actions? You like that rough bastard don’t ya? Lizzie soft corner smile turned into a grin pushing more personal questions upon her and seeing her blush more and more with each minute and her tongue tangling in words trying to explain that its nothing too serious.

- Oh, dammit Lizzie. I don’t even know if he would like….i mean, he said he cares about me, shit but..maybe in his own way. Fuck i don’t know. Lucy shook her head trying to get rid of the soft emotional thoughts slamming into her and get back on the task.  - We will talk it over once we are done and drunk enough for this crap, okay?

  -Sure thing Boss, lets find that flying can. Where was it last time? Up on a tree eh? Lizzie prepared her plasma gun as they entered the safari. The park belonged to the pack. They passed in silence, through the bushes, passing behind a patrol to avoid any unnecessary attention and discussions. Last thing she wanted is to word to spread out about the whole fuckupery. They managed to pass unnoticed into the labyrinth. On the last turn towards the elevator from behind the corner something or someone big bumped right into them pushing them both on their asses. 

-Boss? Lizzie? Now that is a nice surprise indeed, two lovely birds at the same time. Mason laughed and offered them both of his hands so they can pull themselves up. - So…what these two little birds are looking for around my turf hmm? He brushed and twirled the moustache in his fingers eyeballing them both. 

-Uhg, fuck, fine. We are looking for the eyebot, that was on the treehouse before. We kind of…need it for a special project. Lucy did what she could to sound confident in her half lie but Mason was a hard piece.

-Eyebot eh? U mean…that eyebot? He pulled a pile of scrap from behind and threw it down in front of them, one of pieces landing up on Lizzie’s foot.

  -Ouch, goddamit Mason - she squeaked and pulled her foot away. -Why did u smash it? It was kind of important. For my project. 

-Project ye……it wouldn’t let my boys sleep as it was bipping pretty loud as of late. Also if u excuse me i want to have a private chat with a Boss. Mason shooed Lizzie with a hand and as she disappeared out of view in the labyrinth bushes he turned his eyes to Lucy, with a suspicious glare.  

-So, Boss, what really is going on huh? And where is your golden boy, Porter? He approached her closer, taking a bunch of her hair and letting it slide through his palm. 

-Let’s say that i forgot to…burn some last threads related to some people before i took this job and we are fixing it, separate ways this time tho. There was no point lying to him now as it was also one of few occasions they could talk business alone. She let him play with her hair and simply stood there without moving.

  -Well, that has been taken care of...kind of. You can take whatever is left of that scrap with your lovely operator, to be sure,  but…there is one more matter. He leaned towards her, grabbing her chin and pulling her face up. With Gage around he would probably get punched by this time but they were alone. - The parks seem to be running out and there obviously is too many of us. I can see you go into Mags favor, i can understand it, caps are tops but…what about me hm? How do we stand in your plan Boss? Lucy decided it was the best moment to reveal her future plan to Mason as there wasn’t a chance anyone would eavesdrop on them or see them talking in private. Pure coincidence right on the spot.

- Operators will have three parks, u will keep two…but…i will give you the pleasure of slaughtering and ripping apart the last gang that won’t belong anywhere, the disciples. Mason liked what he just heard and a wide grin grew on his face.

  - I knew you were a smart lady. I swear i could fuck you right here for what u just said. Mason licked his lips but the spiky tip of the knife between his legs gave him a fair warning to back off with his idea. He released her and moved on, chuckling under his nose and sending a wink to Lizzie as he passed her by.

  He seems to have a big....appetite. So…we are okay? Can we go back to my lab now? She approached the boss scanning carefully the pieces of the eyebot, looking for anything unusual and then back at her inpatient.

  -Lizzie, listen. You should know too at this point. I talked a bit with Gage about it but never got to organize any safe meeting. Lucy put the hand on her shoulder and shook it in reassurance. - There will be slaughter, we won’t avoid it. Not now but it will happen eventually. I can feel the tension gathering as we draw closer and closer towards the last park. The disciples will have to go, one way or another. I don’t trust Nisha one bit, hell i don’t even know if i can trust Mason but so far he proved a loyal and more reasonable than i would expect. You i trust Lizzie, okay? Tell Mags about the plan but don’t let it slip before it happens right?

  - Wow Boss, that’s…some freaking good news right there. You have my word, of course. And…you really trust me? Me? In this fucked up world, damn. Does it mean…we are…friends of sort?  Lizzie smiled widely at her as she could not refer to many people out there as friends and barely anyone was visiting her. 

-Yes Lizzie, we are friends now if you want but keep your mouth shut about the plan or i will end up on the spike before i turn around to make any further step. She smiled back as they started gathering the scraps together.

- I will make sure there is no single tracking device left in that junk. Or..i could actually rebuilt it and make some fake signals to discourage the minutemen from taking the actions now. Lizzie was scratching her chin pondering about what she could do with that tech.

-Sounds like a good plan. Lets head back. They packed all the parts into a sack and sneaked away towards the Nuka Town.

------

 It was middle of the night, anything crawling towards them was easily heard and eradicated with a bright splash of green plasma flying from Lizzie pistol. They approached an abandoned farm on their way, loud crunching noises coming from behind the house in the distance that made them both feel a bit uneasy but curiosity was stronger, as they walked closer and closer just to see what’s there. A deathclaw, feasting on the unlucky raider ripping his body parts with its claws. Lizzie froze and dropped by a mistake a sack filled with metal disrupting the silence. Deathclaw raised its head and looked right at them. 

-Great Lizzie, i hope you have good enough condition to run the hell out of here. Lucy was pulling her by the sleeve but to her surprise she stood unshaken and started digging in her bag.  

  -Why run Boss if we have these? And i think you gonna like it, my new invention. She pulled an awkwardly big grenade from her bag almost a size barely fitting into her hand with a long strap attached to it. Dozen of explosives power packed into this one baby….boom. The last word shined a spark in a her eyes. Oh she did love grenades indeed.

- The running part still stays tho, now get it Boss! Lizzie pushed the grenade into her hands and started running as the deathclaw thumped towards them. 

- Shit, you and your damn experiments on a go, ok fuck, lets do it. Lucy was no so far behind giving a good spin with a strap. As they could no longer keep the steady distance from the beast she turned abruptly and forced the grenade out, breaking the lock and letting it fly towards the deathclaw. The structure cracked as it got slashed with a claws, releasing smaller ones out that were tightly packed inside. The explosion was so big that they landed few meters ahead on their faces, getting some small burns in the process.

  -Holy shit, Lizzie. Grenade? Its a fucking nuke. Lucy pulled herself up as she noticed a small fire starting on her dress. She patted it repeatedly blowing air after at her hands to cool them off.  Lizzie was not looking any better, the dirt on her face as she managed to land in the puddle of mud, her hair sticking to a face but she seemed happy of the results. Deathclaw was….everywhere, literally, some of its blood on them aswell.

  - How about a drink Boss, in my lab? To a mission well done? And for our incoming future? I have some special stash waiting to be opened. Lizzie smeared the dirt from her face, smiling proudly at the results of her work.

-Oh yes please…Lucy sighted deeply but smiled softly at the thought that the job is done and future situation has been steered into the direction she wanted. Gage would be probably happy too..and the idea of having a drink, maybe two..or just gulping till the morning was certainly tempting as the stress slowly pumped out of her.

------- Well, on a one side Gage was happy as Lizzie skills managed to dump the remaining signal coming from the eyebot, replacing it with something else. He managed to pull some extra security at the gauntlet on his own and even convinced Mason to let some of his dogs for patrols at Town for any new, suspicious visitors. Lucy did scrape some plan together also informing safely the rest about it and succeeded on a way. What he was not happy is to find both of them at the operator lab, sitting drunk on the floor laughing like a couple of a teenage girls with their hair messed up and clothes too after some serious drinking. 

-Opss, i think…i will leave you with your grumpy man. hm? Porter. Lizzie pulled herself up, swinging to the sides and saluting the Gage as she left upstairs. He saluted her back and turned his eye back to the Lucy.

-Boss, were u drinking your asses the rest of the night? And what did u blow? Nearly whole town heard it, scaring the shit out of traders. He was stoic, with his hands crossed at his chest, awaiting answers. 

- Well…let me start by saying that the plan is now in knowledge of both sides, pack and the operators, without any other ears hearing it. She started to slowly stand up, rolling and putting her clothes back in a proper manner. And… we have the eyebot signal at our advantage now. She was blubbering but not stopping to explain. -Aaaand Mason almost wanted to…fuck me in the bushes aaaand we blew up a deathclaw, literally. Gage eyebrow twitched as he heard the part about Mason. 

-Pardon, fucking what? Mason? Fucking horn ass dick. He whispered and shook his head but decided to leave it without any further comment as nothing actually was established between them other than the plan and some occasional unprofessional incidents. 

-Well, i’m glad we have at least the situation back in goddamn control. You…okay boss or do i have to drag your drunk ass back to Fizztop? The thought of him carrying her in his strong big arms made Lucy dream for a moment but the remaining voice of the reason shook her back up. 

-No…u don’t have to Gage. I will tell Lizzy to get me something to sober me up a bit faster and we can meet at the top, plan onward, together, as we were about last evening. That work for ya, big man? She patted his chest and leaned against the table awaiting him to leave but he didn’t. He just stood and stared at her releasing his arms slowly, letting them fall to the side.

  -Ye…about that last evening. I remember you had something pretty fucking specific on your mind Boss and we got disrupted. Her amber eyes raised up as he approached her, grabbing her by hips and lifting up on the table.

 - And Mason..i don’t know what u think of him but he can shove off his rainbow dick somewhere else for now. Now thats what she liked mostly about him. Putting his actions or words right there when she least expected it with no further discussions and sudden wave of confidence that was leaving her snarky comments aside.

-Ya know what…just shut up and come here before something else ruins that shit we have right now. She pulled him by the belt and moved her legs aside allowing him to be right at her.

Lizzie saw them peeking from behind the corner, seeing the flasks dropping to the floor and breaking as they were caught in a wild kiss on her working station but she decided that ruining this moment was not worth some pieces of glass and the view was pretty good. 

 They were back on the upper line.    

[your-fit-bpd-princess]

10 tips to start to learn french

Hello ! I’ve been struggling for a long time to learn english and spanish, and I was so glad to find posts sharing tips, so I decided to do the same !

French is known as a really hard language to learn and well, I’m french so I know how much it can be tricky... To be honest, even I sometimes have trouble knowing if my sentences are right.

I work in a “lieu des littératures en scène” (literally : “place where we put literature on stage”) so I work at the heart of these issues.

The following tips apply to the french language but can be adapted to the learning of any new language, I think. In any case, give me your opinion!

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1 / Understand that mistakes are not such a big deal

Of course you want to learn french the good way ! But understanding that you’re allowed to be wrong is fundamental. First, because even french people don’t know sometimes. As it’s a catchy language, we make A LOT of mistakes when we speak and when we write. Having impeccable grammar and spelling is required in some situations, like if you apply for a job or a school, and in those cases we're having our letters and resumes reread (by people who have good french skills). But obviously, when french is not your native language, people are a lot less demanding. That’s the same in any conversation : that’s easy to speak with someone who’s fluent, but if you’re not it’s not a big deal ! We know we don't pronounce some letters in our language, and we sure know it’s weird and can be disturbing. If you don’t pronounce correctly, we’ll still be able to understand what you mean. And we can even explain you what is the proper prononciation if you want to.

Also, many of our grammar rules (especially the most complicated ones to understand) are not really rules... but rather "recommendations". I like to hijack them sometimes, because some of them even exist just because of mistakes in ancient writings (so that they're not logical at all). So, try to learn them, that’s cool, but don't get too attached to them, it's not vital to follow them to the letter...

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2 / Read, read, read...

I have nothing to add here. Just read in french or any language you want to learn. It’s awesome. It will improve your skills so much. At first you won’t understand anything, but hang in there. The more you will read, the more you will understand. And don’t try to translate in your head, even if it’s reaaaaally hard ! (but that’s the tip number 6...)

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3 / But start with reading children's books

That’s great for a first immersion in a language. You've probably already read this advice everywhere, but it's really effective ! Be like a child, discovering new emotions, new words, new syntaxes... Illustrations are great to understand the meaning and the emotions behind the sentences though. Here are two great websites where you can find free children’s books online :

Whisperies : it’s specially made for children with dyslexic troubles, so the syllables are decomposed and the silent letters are greyed out (super cool for learning !)

Storyweaver : stories are classified by level, and you can chose the language !

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4 / Work on your vocabulary...

Having a notebook dedicated to vocabulary will help a lot. You can, for exemple, try to learn a new word a day, or regularly. Come back to it, write some comments, use colors to help you... Make it your own ! Plus, writing down words can really help to memorize...

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5 / Categorize

For a more effective vocabulary learning, categorize ! It’s not necessary to learn a bunch a words you’ll never use juste to learn : you're just gonna confuse your mind. For instance, you can focus on the family vocabulary the first week and learn two new words a day, or a word and its synonyms a day... Don’t forget to write them down in your vocabulary notebook !

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6 / Don’t translate !

It’s important not to try to translate ! Desperately trying to translate can be very tricky... Either because some words or sentences are not translatable, or because it will take a lot of energy from you. Try to learn like a child : start from scratch. Each language has its own rules, even if it can look alike. Immerse in the syntaxe, in the grammar, try to understand it instead of applying the rules of your native language, because it's bound to mislead you...

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7 / Watch series, movies, tv...

That’s the most obvious piece of advice, but it’s actually a very good one ! Watch a movie, youtube videos you like or a tv show you know by heart and just change the language and the subtitles. An old roommate of mine worked on many languages by watching all the Friends seasons again and again ! You can start with the subtitles in your native language, or the sound in your native language and the subtitles in the language you want to learn... There are many possibilities to make your knowledge evolve !

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8 / Take classes

Yes. That’s it. Sign up for classes. A professor can sure help you more than tumblr posts... Meet natives, meet learners like you, join workshops, meetings... Speak with others, challenge yourself, take tests to see your evolution and tou have access to new skills and knowledge...

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9 / Learn from your mistakes

Everyone has their weaknesses... You probably know that, in any field, the difficult things to understand are different for everyone. In language, that’s the same ! Maybe you’ll struggle with accents, with conjugation or with some grammar rules... And that’s ok. Again : everyone has their weaknesses. The most important thing is to spot them and learn from them. When you understand you made a mistake, write it down, and come back to it later. If you know what you have to work on, it will be easier later, I promise...

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10 / Enjoy it !

It may be the most important tip here... If learning makes you suffer, stop it. I’m serious. Find something else. Learning languages is great, but there is no need to suffer for that. You NEED to enjoy it. Because it’s so damn good to be able to express yourself in another language than your native one... It can be difficult, but don’t do it if it’s painful. Nothing deserves that you get hurt. If you have trouble with school, a school phobia, dyslexic disorder or anything, approach your doctor to discuss it and come up with a solution.

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Let me know if this was useful (or not !) and if you want more posts like this :) I love that.

I’m sorry again for my english, don’t hesitate to let me know if you spot mistakes, I’m happy to learn from them ;)

See you soon, love

[solangelover]

Simple

A/N: I still write, I swear. This isn’t great, but I just reaaaaally needed to write and have had no time at all. Let’s call this me trying to get back into it.

 Read AO3 or FF.Net or Wattpad

Architecture class was not Nico’s best subject.

The Athena cabin runs a class on the basics of architecture with some of the older campers to gain teaching experience and spread their love of architecture. Annabeth, of course, helped create the curriculum and had run the class until this past year. So, naturally, it was pretty far above Nico’s, or most people’s, head.

At least Nico didn’t feel completely lost – he joined the older Apollo kids, most of whom were his friends. And together, they formed one not-very-architecturally-inclined bunch.

“Austin, this is a DRAFTING TOOL not a drum stick!”

“It’s made of wood, it’s straight, it’s a drum stick.”

“I swear to the GODS, if I hear one more vocal run—”

“I need to practice for tonight’s bonfire!”

Needless to say, the class was a mess.

“Hey,” Nico glanced up to see his boyfriend leaning over his desk and taking in Nico’s work. “Yours looks good.”

Blue eyes met brown. “Psh, as if you can tell, Solace. You don’t know what you’re doing either.”

“Well, I see many straight lines and things on your paper. Looks very blueprint-ish to me.” He nodded very seriously, though his lips twitched with his held back smile.

Nico grinned and had a comeback on the tip of his tongue when he was interrupted. “Oh!” He turned his head to find Malcolm staring happily at Nico’s design. “That looks great, Nico!”

“Told you,” Will stuck his tongue out at Nico, who, very maturely, returned the gesture.

“Rich, come look! Nico has potential!” Malcolm eagerly waved his brother over, who had been explaining for the third time what proper measurement labeling looked like to one of the Apollo girls. He quickly walked over and looked entirely relieved that Nico had straight lines on his paper.

“I’m so glad this class isn’t a total waste of time,” he muttered quickly before going on. “That looks good! What were you going for, exactly?”

“Uh,” Nico was caught slightly off-guard and felt his cheeks flush as he fumbled for an answer. “Well, it’s like, a house? With, you know… rooms?”

The sons of Athena did not seem thrown off by Nico’s less than adequate answer. “Hm, okay, we can work with that. What kind of house? Two-bedroom? One-bathroom?”

Rich jumped in, “This is just for fun, too, so do whatever you want! Make a study room.”

“Or a gaming room!”

“Oh, or like, an exercise room or training room. I know you’re a great fighter.”

“Also, advice on your drafting: you should try to keep your lines consistent. Different weights and types mean different things.”

“And adding in dimensions would really help the visual while you plan. Obviously, it’s needed for the actual construction, too, but we’re not there yet.”

Nico felt like his ears were being bombarded. He did not expect any feedback like this, nor did he think his work was very good. It was probably just better than the others and the Athena kids could finally release their knowledge onto someone. They were still babbling on, but Nico wasn’t absorbing any of it. He started panicking when the tip of his pencil broke as he furiously attempted to jot down notes. What else was he supposed to do?

He felt the slight prick of heat behind his eyes, in addition to his already burning cheeks. His natural tear response was so quick, and he hated it. Anytime he felt even slightly overwhelmed, his eyes would water and his face would go red. It was so annoying and embarrassing. Nico couldn’t have that happen right here, in the midst of all his friends.

Luckily, his boyfriend knew him better than anyone else in the world.

Will saw the panic in Nico’s eyes the moment Malcolm and Rich started talking. He knew they were excited to finally have a successful student, but their passion was overwhelming even to a someone with as much patience as Will had. To Nico, this was way too much, way too fast. Nico’s wide eyes had the barest sheen of tears, but Will knew those eyes. He knew Nico.

“Alright, alright,” Will stepped in front of the sons of Athena, blocking their view of the design and effectively cutting off their rambling. “How about we let Nico draft the house he wants to? He was about to tell me more about his design and you ruined our bonding moment.” Will made it sound like a joke, but Nico knew Will was saving him from embarrassment.

“Ah, don’t you guys get enough ‘bonding time’?” Rich laughed as Will’s cheeks pinked slightly.

Malcolm giggled, “Don’t be jealous, Solace. We just wanted to help our only good student flourish.” He poked his head around Will and glanced at his desk. “Maybe Nico can teach you something about drawing straight lines. You know. With the tools that literally help you draw straight lines.”

Will scoffed, looking offended. “Excuse me, my design is just abstract.”

“Will, this is a technical drafting class.”

“How dare you put me in a box!”

Behind Will, Nico had calmed down enough to laugh along with them. Will whipped his head around and beamed at his boyfriend. As everyone continued chatting and joking around, Nico just gazed up at Will. He was so lucky to have him. Nico didn’t have to say anything, Will just knew what he needed. Will understood Nico’s fear, reluctance, embarrassment, everything. It wasn’t even a big thing. He didn’t take a hit for Nico, or breathe him back to life. He was just there. He cared about Nico and wanted to know everything about him. It was that simple.

The simple, small things. That’s what Nico truly loved about Will.

[amygdalagustd]

50 questions tag

I was tagged by the lovely @minskosmos​ thank you so much <3 1. What takes up too much of your time? mindlessly scrolling on the internet while I could be doing things I actually enjoy

2. What makes your day better? bts, yoongi, music, good weather, swimming, dancing, singing, my cat 3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today? nothing really hfdjkshjkf well yoongi is looking cute as fuck today so that is good? 

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? ooffff ehmmmmm the spirit world from avatar the last airbender

5. Are you good at giving advice? i’m not sure if I’m good at giving advice but I try

6. Do you have any mental illness? yeah and it’s low key ruining my life but it’s okay I have therapy and I’m getting better every day

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? Luckily not 8. What musician inspired you the most? yoongi is seriously my biggest inspiration ever. All of bts tbh. Twenty one pilots as well.

9. Have you ever fallen in love? oh yes

10. What’s your dream date? hiking by the sea, watching the stars together, something in nature

11. What do others notice about you? that I’m kind of reserved and people always say I’m really sweet

12. What is an annoying habit you have? I get jealous quite fast

13. Do you still talk to your first love? nope :’)

14. How many exes do you have? one

15. How many songs are in your playlist? Idk I don’t really have a ‘playlist’  just a mp3 player with around 600 songs

16. What instruments can you play? a bit of piano and a bit of drum

17. What do you have the most pictures of? yoongi lmao

18. Where would you like to go before you die? Japan or Korea. The mountains (any mountain lol)

19. What is your zodiac? sagittarius

20. Do you relate to it? not really but sometimes I guess

21. What is happiness to you? feeling okay without having to put lots of effort into it, feeling like you can breathe easily

22. Are you going through anything right now? I feel kinda stuck in therapy these days. I might have to try something different but I also might have to accept that some things just won’t change, and that is a really really scary thought.

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? not asking for help when I really needed it

24. What’s your favorite store? Idk any place where I can buy bts stuff

25. What’s your opinion on abortion? I think people should have the right to have authority over their own bodies.

26. Do you keep a bucket list? nope

27. Do you have a favorite album? it changes. right now it is Love Yourself Answer by bts

28. What do you want for your birthday? Anything bts related makes me happy

29. What are most people’s first impression of you? that I’m really shy (which I am lmao)

30. What age do you seem according to most people? 17/18 and when I wear baggy clothing (which is always) everyone thinks I am a 14 year old boy

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? on my nightstand

32. What word do you say the most? bts? cat? one of those?

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? 25-26

34. What’s the youngest age you would date? 19, but it reaaaaally depends on the person

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? something creative or something like a therapist or social worker or something

36. What’s your favorite music genre? alternative rock, rap, and well kpop I guess

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? I haven’t really been to enough places to know this fhjksdhjkfh I’m pretty satisfied in the netherlands. I would just love to travel for a bit and see the world c:

38. What is your current favorite song? mikrokosmos and dionysus by bts (but all of persona tbh). I’m also really enjoying Get Myself by Fyke

39. How long have you had this blog for? 4 years or so?

40. What are you excited for? bts concerts!!!! Can’t wait to be in one room (stadium) with my favorite people again!

41. Are you a better talker or listener? I like to think I am a good listener. But really...secretly...if I am comfortable with people I love to talk and I do. not. shut. up.

42. What is the last productive thing you did? worked for 8 hours lmao

43. What do you want for christmas? for me to not be sad during that time 

44. What class do you get the best grades in? English, Dutch and art

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? I’m at a 6 I think? which is actually pretty good yeey

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years? Something creative like music or writing. I want to do something where I can help other people with art in some way.

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? a year ago

48. What age do you want to get married? I really don’t care as long as the person is lovely and loves cats and accepts that I need to yell about how cute yoongi is once in a while.

49. What career did you want to have as a child? I first wanted to be a teacher and than I wanted to be a writer.

50. What do you crave right now? nothing really, I just ate and I am STUFFED.  this was fun! c: I’m tagging: @min-uwungi @smolcaprisunchildren @winedadyoongi @baepsayy @softie-yoongi @frypanyoongi @gayoongles @geniuslabpd  only if you want to ofc

[dimtheselights]

I haven’t made a whiny post about my life in a while.

1. A recurring problem I have with the people in my friend group is that they make a lot of gay jokes - none pointed at me, but usually toward this one guy in the group who isn’t actually gay. And I know they’re joking and that they completely support LGBT+ rights and all that but it just still really bugs me whenever they do it. I’m not offended, per say, but it makes me uncomfortable. Plus, I’ve already been kind of sensitive about gay jokes lately because earlier in the week I was talking to a girl who TA’s the same class as me (but that I’m not particularly fond of), and she made some really shitty homophobic comments??? And she wasn’t joking. So I called her out on it, but most people at school (including her) don’t know that I’m not straight and so I don’t think they realize that it’s actually important to me? And I actually was offended by what she said but I ended up just letting it slide because even after calling her out she still didn’t seem to understand what I meant. And so hearing more gay jokes later in the week just pissed me off and upset me even more, even though I knew the other people didn’t mean to be offensive. 

2. To elaborate on this girl though, I! don’t! like! her! Every time we have to proctor an exam together she assumes that I’m going to drive her home without asking me first??? Like even though I don’t like her, she doesn’t live far and I wouldn’t mind doing it but she doesn’t even ask me. She just assumes that I’ll drive her home. The last time she assumed I would drive her home, when we were walking to my car, she started talking about politics and how she preferred Trump over Hillary because she didn’t like Hillary’s foreign policy. And then she goes on to say that you shouldn’t judge people based on who they voted her and I’m like bitch!!! Hell yes I’m going to judge people for who they voted for because obviously that means different things are important to them or they have wildly contrasting views compared to me and they obviously don’t value the same things that I do! They don’t value the things that are important to me!!! And all the time in the office she uses this baby voice that’s super annoying and she gets all up in my personal space and is super into hugs and touching and shit and that just makes me so so uncomfortable. I don’t wanna be touched by shitty people that I don’t even like or really consider to be my friends. 

3. Speaking of uncomfortable touching, there’s also a guy that I don’t like that tries to touch me whenever he’s drunk. So that’s just great!!!! He’s in my lab so I can’t just NOT hang out with him since we’re in the same friend group automatically then and go to all the same parties (seriously, there’s not a lot of grad students in my department; there’s like two “friend groups” total for the whole department, no exaggeration). But it’s so uncomfortable when he tries to touch me or when he says inappropriate things. And I’m not the only girl he does this with too. I’ve heard from multiple girls that he’s a total creep when he’s drunk and they’re definitely not wrong. This is the same guy that told me I wasn’t working hard enough on my thesis, and he told me that another girl in our lab said that she would be mad if I got a better grade than her on a particular assignment because she didn’t think I’d worked as hard on it and spent as much time on it as she had. Like I guess she has a right to say that but this guy didn’t need to tell me that she’d said it??   

4. That guy is also roommates with this girl that just always seems to know what to say to make me feel bad about myself when we’re drinking together? The girl doesn’t go to school with us but she’s dating someone that just graduated last year, but she goes to a different college near here. Like she doesn’t try to make me feel bad on purpose and I actually do like her overall. But she’s just so blunt and I’ve been so sensitive and irritable lately that it just ends up offending me or making me feel even more embarrassed than I already do.

5. WHICH IS ANOTHER ISSUE. I keep embarrassing myself at parties and I actually hate myself and wouldn’t mind disappearing off the face of the planet or dying a painful death because then at least I wouldn’t have to face these people and I would probably be happier if I were dead honestly.

6. I totally embarrassed myself on Friday (one instance out of several that have occurred in the past few weeks - I got drunk at a party a few weeks ago and of course creeper dude was the one to hold my hair in the bathroom) and I actually feel kind of bad for multiple reasons. One because I totally fucked up a game. Two because there were these three girls that came that don’t usually come to this kind of stuff (they’re kind of in friend group #2) and I found out they were coming when they got there and apparently I made an ugly face and now people know that I don’t like them. I’d been trying so so so hard to not let anyone know that I reaaaaally don’t like them so now I’m afraid someone will tell them because it’s not like they’re bad people - their personalities just annoy me and I don’t want to spend an extended period of time with them (one of them is TA-and-homophobic-comment girl). And it all put me in a bad mood and it probably would’ve been better if I just hadn’t gone. I was already pissed off before going too because my roommate wanted to order food beforehand so we were later getting there than I’d wanted. And then the combination of all of that, plus all of the shit from the previous 5 points (the stupid people I dislike plus a plethora of gay jokes), just pissed me off to the point where someone actually texted me, while I was still there and in the same room as them, to discretely ask me if I was okay. HOW EMBARRASSING. 

7. And lastly, the final issue I wish to complain about, is my roommate. Same one who made us late. He’s been coming to me for advice for this problem he’s been having and he’ll usually talk to me about it for like 1-3 hours PER DAY. And every day it’s the same exact shit and I feel like I give him the same exact advice, tweaked juuuust slightly depending on the sparse new details he gives me. It’s worse because I don’t even feel like it should be a real issue still. But I feel like at this point I can’t even tell him how I really feel about the situation (aka that it should be over by now) because he’s so invested and emotionally fragile with this shit that I feel like I can’t be completely honest about it. Like what I tell him is still honest advice obviously, I’m not lying to him, but I have to hold back. And it’s such a hopeless situation too. Like goddamn I don’t know how this is still such an issue and why he’s still so committed to it. I can’t NOT listen to him about it though because he said he can only talk to two people about it, me being one of them, so I’d feel bad about it if I told him I didn’t want to listen anymore when I know this is a legitimate issue in his eyes. That would make me a terrible friend and he’d probably feel like I was abandoning him in his time of need or something. It’s so draining though. When I go home I just want to shut myself in my room and unwind by myself, have some fucking me time, but then it’s like an obligation that I have to talk to him every day. I dread coming home because I know he’s going to take up time that I want to spend alone. For my research I spend a lot of time in my adviser’s office and my roommate comes and visits me there too!!!! Just let me be alone! When I’m in there I want to work on my shit and listen to music/have netflix playing in the background. I don’t want to stop what I’m doing just because he feels the need to talk to me. 

8. Not a new point in and of itself, but because the previous point was getting a bit too long: I don’t want to compare my roommate’s behavior to total creep and girl who doesn’t think I should do better than her (who are also roommates - their third roommate is blunt drunk girl), but I’m starting to see the resemblance. Girl who thinks she should do better than me apparently hates how total creeper wants to constantly hang out and talk and do things together, and we always prided ourselves on not having that kind of relationship and not annoying each other to death, but now with how much he’s been bothering me both at school and at home I’m starting to see the resemblance. 

And...I think that’s it? 

tl;dr - I am an embarrassing mess who hates everyone I go to school with and interact with on a daily basis.

[brainsinmyheadfeetinmyshoes]

3y8m, 2y5m, 4m

I can’t even remember the last time I posted an update about the kids. Without daily, dedicated computer time, it’s hard to remember to set time aside for my blog. But we are in the last few days of 2017, and if this is my only thoughtful update in a six-month period, it’ll still be worth it.

Lucian has been in preschool since August. He has done so well--when a kid is ready, many concerns dissipate. I wasn’t a fan of the full-day schedule, but he does completely fine with a nap at school, and has never once seemed exhausted in the evening. He potty trained within two weeks of starting, and it was whole hog--he sleeps all night in underwear and hasn’t had a single accident. His speech is getting so articulate, and he’s actually talkative, whereas his toddler tendency was to silently observe. He is still seeing a speech therapist once a week at school, and he is still working toward the goals identified in his IEP this past February, but the gap is closing. We’ll meet with her in January so I’m curious to hear what she has to say. 

He continues to grow in Spanish too, though it is not as complex. I was super pleased a few weeks ago when he asked our neighbor for a “chupon,” which is a baby pacifier, but he was trying to ask for a straw because you use it to “chupar,” suck. So there was some serious language logic going on with his word choice and I love it.

His teacher says he’s one of the leaders in the class, and he has one or two shadows that follow his lead. Guess that’s his firstborn-ness coming through. School has unlocked singing and dancing within him now too, and he is no longer shy to participate in either activity, so long as everyone is doing it. He still gets goofy and nervous and doesn’t want the attention if we ask him to perform, which is his father’s genetics at play, but listening to him sing Jingle Bells to himself while he plays, or watching him do his awkward 3yo dance moves brings me such joy.

He had a couple prickly months, behavior-wise, with a lot of “No,” “I want to smack you,” “Go away,” etc., type language and deliberate disobedience. It started mid-summer, and I wondered if it had to do with my pregnancy, or with the dreaded mid-year threenager phase. But this past weekend, it’s like he had a breakthrough and was extremely docile and polite. It may have been because my parents were visiting so he felt stimulated and like he had plenty of attention, but the good behavior has lasted a full week now. He IS only four months away from turning 4, so maybe this is the natural exit. I’d be really happy about that. It’s been really hard to deal with his willful challenging, knowing that that isn’t really “him,” when he’s naturally easygoing and open to guidance, but having to discipline bad behavior earnestly anyway. He and Erik had an evening outing this week and Erik really enjoyed it, so I’ll have a mother-son date this holiday week with him too. We get the least amount of solo time with him, and he arguably needs the most, considering how loving and attached he is.

Lionel is also coming out of a rough patch. Or should I say, he’s growing up, haha. He’s not quite 2.5, but finnnnnnaaaaallllly has some reasoning abilities, and is finally open to our suggestions instead of just being headstrong. We’ve had sooooooo many nights in his life where he wakes up screaming and WILL NOT STOP for 2-3 hours. He gets himself into a loop and it doesn’t break. Nothing can break it. Not loving compassion, not threats, not yelling, not distraction, not water, not food, not ignoring. It just goes, and goes, and goes. But he’s to the point now where we can bargain him out of it--”If you want to cry, I have to leave. If you want me to stay, you have to stop crying.” And it’s actually WORKING. He can turn off the waterworks in a flash. During the day, if he gets worked into a fit, I’ll tell him, “Sometimes when we’re sad we need some alone time. Please go upstairs to cry and when you’re done you can come back down.” And he’ll go upstairs! He makes a point to sit on his bed for a dozen wails, then tells me from the top of the stairs, “I’m done crying, Mama,” and comes back down, totally fine. (Lucian is not as willing to be isolated, but he, too, will go upstairs to cry when it’s a crazy, overblown tantrum.) It’s one of the best tactics, born of desperation, I’ve ever used.

But Lionel has a different quality from his father’s genetics--the feeling that rules don’t apply to him. He gets out of his bed multiple times after we put him to sleep, even though we repeat the two rules of bedtime constantly--stay in your bed and be quiet. If Lucian is present, he turns into a clown, and gets into all kinds of mischief. We’ve started to have Lucian nap in our bed on weekends, expressly because Lionel will go right to sleep as long as he’s solo. So there’s something to the whole not-sharing-a-room thing. *eye roll* Two nights ago I went in after bedtime and told him, “If I have to come back again, I have to give you a swat,” and he just nodded deeply, with a dopey smile, and whispered, “Yaaaaaaaaas.” How do you react to that?! Sigh.

We’re trying to impose a whisper-only rule at bedtime, applicable to us too, so as to invite peace and rest into our home. It is reaaaaally hard for me though, since bedtime comes at the end of a 13-hour day with three children and I just can’t even. I’m ready to zone out with Netflix and knitting and not talk to anyone for the next 11 hours, and they’re inclined to push my buttons. But we’re making slow headway, reading books in a whisper, talking in a whisper, not yelling when we tell Lionel to get in his bed for the third time, and I hope that the eventual payoff is that they whisper together before falling asleep instead of playing long, drawn-out games. If I gave one piece of advice to anyone just starting their family, right now it would be to implement the whisper-at-bedtime rule from Day 1. Set the expectation early.

But Lionel is sooooo much fun. He’s inquisitive and a performer and fun-loving. He is a parrot for speech, and repeats everything we say, English or Spanish. He knows soooo many lyrics to Christmas songs, and we’ve barely been listening to them for a month. He learned the ABCs and I’m a Little Teapot from Lucian. He recites stories with me. He asks, “Why, Mama, why?” for evvvveeeerrrryyyything. “Why you sneeze, Mama, why?” “Why he sad, Mama, why?” “Why you change my diaper, Mama, why?” This is acquired language from Lucian, who adds the tag to the end of his questions, too, but Lionel’s questioning is incessant, and it tires me out, haha. I thought I had another year or two before the typical child questioning kicked in, but it started early with Lionel. And it’s not like he understands the answers, but he parrots them right back to me anyway, so his little noggin is constantly working.

He also mimics Lucian’s every behavior. If Lucian lays on his stomach to watch a video, Lionel will copy him. If Lucian comes into the room to show me his book, Lionel does too. If Lucian doesn’t want a banana, Lionel doesn’t want a banana (but he really does). Both boys are finally advanced enough to learn from one another, but it’s pretty cute to realize that he is, and always will be, secondborn, admiring his brother.

One way he differs though, is that he’s more interested in stuffed animals, babies, plush toys, etc. He likes to have one or two animals in his bed every night, and he “borrowed” Celia’s new Christmas penguin to use as a pillow a few nights ago. He likes to push a baby doll in the baby stroller, and gets a huge thrill from the one hand puppet we have. So that’s been interesting, since Lucian still tosses stuffed animals off the bed and has never gotten into the baby dolls.

He is totally ready for school already. He gets right in the mix when we visit Lucian’s classroom, sitting on the rug and doing what the big kids do. He doesn’t follow classroom rules of course, but it’s hard to say whether it’s because he’s 2, or because he’s Lionel. But interestingly, being home alone all day with me and Celia, he doesn’t often seem bored. He self-entertains easily, going from the cars, to the Legos, to the puppet, to the books. Of course he’d prefer that someone play with him, but he’s not reliant on Lucian or on me for entertainment at all. 

He and Lucian play peacefully together more often than not, and they’re getting better at problem-solving, too. They offer spontaneous hugs, and ask each other to kiss minor boo-boos. The only time they really get worked up is when a toy-snatch happens, which are 50/50 these days. So with a bit more self-regulation in the coming years, they really will be wonderful playmates and friends.

And then there’s Celia. The easiest baby, ever. I never really believed when parents said their baby was a good sleeper, but now I wonder how badly we screwed our first two up with sleep, haha. Celia necessarily spends a lot of time in her cradle, so she puts herself to sleep easily. In fact, she gets out of sorts if we try to hold her while she falls asleep, growing crankier and resisting shuteye, but the minute she’s down, she turns her head, twists her body around so she’s on her side, and knocks out. She also has a strong preference for the pacifier, rather than the boob, for comfort. While she is still bedsharing and nurses at night, she always unlatches, whereas Lionel in particular, but Lucian too, would nurse for comfort and require unlatching. She doesn’t use the pacifier at night, but during the day, she likes to have it for napping. It is sooooo hard not to pop it in her mouth at every turn, but we really try not to give it to her if she’s not crying or sleepy. I hope she rejects it at 7mo, as the boys both did, but I think she might be more attached it. We’ll see.

She is between 4-5mo now, and hitting that point where she is alert and engaged, but has zero control over her body, so she’s a bit more high-maintenance. She tires easily whether she’s doing tummy time, or propped up, or held on her feet, or laying on her back, and she can’t use her hands yet, so she needs a lot of support during her wakeful periods. But hand control is on its way--when a toy is held in front of her, she looks intently at it, then her hands spring to her mouth (empty) and she gets all in a tizzy, because she wants the toy. And if the toy is put into her hands (or she inadvertently pulls the pacifier from her mouth), she watches it with such fascination as her hands swing it around.

She is chatty, perhaps the same or more so than Lionel was. We’ll take a dozen “turns” talking before she gets over it. She has a broad range of vocalization too, experimenting with higher pitches, and she’s starting to attempt consonants, not just coos.

With the first baby, every milestone seems far away, and each phase in babyhood seems to last a long time, but by the third, it goes so fast. It’s so hard to believe that in only 6-8 weeks, we’ll put her in a high chair and give her some avocado. The fragile newborn is already behind us, and the interactive baby is emerging.

The boys are so much more interested in her, and loving, than I expected. I thought they’d kind of ignore her for a few months, but Lionel in particular likes to be ON her, giving kisses, tucking her in, poking her eyes, tugging her hands, etc. It’s a little much, but well-intentioned. Lucian repeats to me constantly, “I like Celia, I like our baby.” Both of them say some version of “When you learn to walk, I can hold your hand,” with Lionel’s version hardly recognizable, but a good effort. It’s something like, “When you nana na na na walk, I’cn ho yo han.”

I have three precious kids, and I can’t believe it some days. But they fill my cup.