#but seriously you cant make someone believe there is nowhere on earth that they will ever be safe from you

[pulchrasilva]

Watching shows with blatantly misogynistic characterisation of all the female characters with my dad is so funny because he falls right into their trap. He's like "sherry is gonna try and kill jack" "why would she do that??" "because she's a bitch" "that doesn't mean she's ok with murder??? When has she ever used physical violence??? That's not her style, she's all about background manipulation. Going through with Jack's plan plays better to her strengths of course she'll go through with it"

And lo and behold, sherry not only goes through with the plan but also iirc saves Jack's life at one point. Like you are so blinded by the "woman with power is also a horrible person", you can't even see the character anymore

[gettinshiggywithit]

hii yandere au with fyodor? kddff

𝔻𝕠-𝕕𝕠-𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕪𝕖𝕧𝕤𝕜𝕪;𝔸 𝕃𝕠𝕧𝕖𝕣 𝕋𝕙𝕒𝕥'𝕝𝕝 𝕄𝕒𝕜𝕖 𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕊𝕔𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕞!

Summary: a certain ushanka wearing russian has taken an obsessive liking to you…woohoo😀

Pairing: fyodor x gn!reader [yandere au]

Genre: uhm questionable?

Event MasterList

I think we all know what he’d be like as a yandere :”)

Family go bye bye~

But in all seriousness,I think Fyodor would take someone just because he could.

No one’s gonna stop him and if he wants you,he’ll be damned if he cant have  you!

As he told dazai,step one is making you dependant on him.

He can be extremely charming when he wants to be~~ (ra-ra-rasputiiinnnn)

(Also im sorry but Fyodor in casual clothes???? SIGN ME TF UP!!!)

He inserts himself into your life with ease and then integrates himself into it just as seamlessly.

If youre someone who really needs your parents to like your partner before you get serious with them,then so be it.he’s the son in law of their dreams!

So polite and caring.so likeable and down to earth!!

He knows how to make someone fall hard and fast. And once he has you hook line and sinker?

The mask comes off.you spend on night with him after you confess your love,and then he just slips you a little extra sleepy juice.

And while you sleep he takes away everything dear to you.

Your parents? Gone.your friends? Gone.anyone you knew,loved or cared for? Tata Bye Bye~

When you wake up you have nowhere to go.

Like,literally.

No home no family no nothing.

But what do you need all that for when you have himmm~

It isn’t long until youre crying into his chest and shaking up a storm

Youre so scared.youre scared of him! But you have only him.

He tell you he’s all you need.

He tells you this is for the best.that your family didn’t deserve you..

That they only wanted to hurt you!

He spins a web of lies so full of sense you begin to believe it.

(of course if you don’t he’ll just show you what will happen if you disobbey~there is NO length he wont go to.he will do the most horrific of things,or he’ll get good ‘ol nikolai to do it~ it doesn’t matter who does it as long as you watch.as long as you understand.as long as you learn)

And when you turn to putty in his hands,just as he wanted,he gets bored.

He needs a new project.a new plaything.but…if you insist on not being left behind,not being thrown out,he could think of ways to make you bend backwards for him~

Or he could just kill you. Would be easier.

Honestly depends on his mood tbh.

But,lets go more into if you didn’t relent so easily hmm?

Like I said,he isn’t beyond doing the unspeakable.

Tried to escape? Oops,looks like its time to watch dad go through unendurable agony~

Or would he just incinerate the corpse before you with zero fucks given? Who knows

But whatever it is if you don’t listen,the consequences will be harsh to say the least.

Would he hurt you physically? Perhaps not.its not his thing.(by that I mean physical violence) he might slap you on occasion,but beating isn’t it.perhaps some light torture? Deprivation of basic needs? Perhaps…

But other than that, psychological manipulation is one of the main things you’d have to endure.

Endless gaslighting and lies.he’ll tell you just enough truths to keep you in line but other than that, its all lies. And you don’t even know.

Don’t want to do something? He’ll talk you into it. Make you think it was your idea all a long and youre such an absolute genius for coming up with it!

Its that easy for him. Like eating a croissant!

And his ability,how would he use that against you?

Well now,he wouldn’t be able to actually use it per se, but he could definitely use it to keep you in line!

First he’ll make sure you see how easily he can kill with just a touch,then anytime you stepout of line,he’ll just step towards you menacingly and back you into a corner before ghosting his fingers over your face.

Letting you know that one wrong move could be fatal and that he was in control here. And he was always going to be.

If his darling would try ctrl+alt+deleting themselves, no they wouldn’t!

He isn’t stupid! Theres nothing! That  could be used as such in your little apartment (or wherever he’s chosen to keep you for that day/time period)

But if you are dangerously close to your limit and becoming an empty husk of who you were before,then he’l make a decision.

Does he let you meet your demise,whether that be mercifully or not would depend on him of corse, or would he change to make you live just a little longer?

If it’s the former he either leans in for a kiss and places his hand on your cheek,activating his ability,or if he’s feelin a little goofy,then he asks nikolai to do it or cooks something up himself. Something entertaining enough to be worth his time of course! After all,he’s a very busy rat.

But if it’s the latter then he showers you with love and comfort and no of course none of that bad stuff was real! Youre just imagining it myska!

He makes life so unbelievably perfect and once youre yourself again he lets the façade fall and begins to break you again.

And now that youre fully at his mercy again,practically his dog, he can deal he most damage. And that obviously means the most fun, of course~

Tag list(open):- @diagonal-queen

All rights reserved © 2023 gettinshiggywithit. Please do not repost, modify or claim as yours. Reblogs and comments are greatly appreciated!

[infizero]

“Star” Teaser Analysis

(disclaimer: this is less of an “analysis” and more of a “pointing out possible connections to past lore without really theorizing on what it could mean” since im not good at coming up with actual theories ;;)

Well, I wasn’t expecting Loona to drop a teaser out of nowhere, but here we are! Even in this short teaser we can see that the lore is continuing from Why Not. Analysis under the cut!

ok so first off, the pairings we get in the group shot are very interesting. we get a close-up of everyone. first is chuu and go won:

who have obviously been paired together before via their scenes in so what:

as well as just both being members of yyxy. (although during why not they weren’t in the same subunit)

next, we have jinsoul and kim lip:

aside from both being members of OEC, them in particular out of the 3 are connected, as they worked together in love cherry motion to lure choerry to cosmos/the middle world (jinsoul leaving the cherry & kim lip using the flashing mirror thing)

^^^ (seen in the “reveal” teaser)

^^^ (kim lip is seen in the LCM field in the “reveal” teaser so this is most likely her)

anyways, then we have the final group before we go to solo shots of the girls sitting by themselves; olivia hye, yves, and heejin:

heejin and yves don’t have any particular connections as far as I know, (let me know of anything if there is!) but olivia has connections to both yves and heejin. let’s start with yves.

obviously they’re both members of yyxy, but as most of you know, it runs deeper than that. i’ll try to summarize since there’s a lot to their relationship.

the lyrics of egoist seem to imply that olivia trusted yves at one point (and perhaps even loved her), but something happened that severed their bond, known only as “letting her fall” - it’s unclear if that’s literal or a metaphor for something else, but the important thing is that olivia gained a deep-seated anger (what she in yyxy represents as seen in “one”) towards yves.

(this possibly led to olivia killing vivi in order to hurt yves, but that’s a whole other theory, let’s get back on track lol)

anyways, in hi high, we see olivia being reluctant to join the rest of loona, but eventually she jumps down from eden after seeing yves smiling up at her from earth, so it seems in the end olivia forgave yves for whatever happened.

they seem to be on good terms, since olivia is literally resting her head on yves’ shoulder, but if this is the same altered timeline as why not, then it’s possible that in this timeline nothing bad ever happened between them.

we get a rehash of egoist in why not, but it only parallels the aesthetics of that mv - it’s unclear if olivia was doing what she was doing because of drama with yves like in the og predebut timeline or for some other reason.

anyways, what matters is they are connected. now let’s move onto heejin.

olivia and heejin are ALSO pretty obviously connected. heejin is the first girl to be revealed, and olivia is the last. they meet at the end of egoist:

and have been seen to parallel each other during the likes of so what and other material. while heejin is often interpreted to be some kind of god-figure in the loonaverse, a force of good, olivia is often made out to be the bad guy - burning the moon in so what, refusing to join the rest of loona in hi high, etc. this can also be seen in their outfits - heejin in white, olivia in black.

anyways, that’s enough about olivia. let’s get back to the teaser. after getting close ups of all the girls in the first group shot, we get this:

a shot of two hands separating, a close up of heejin opening her eyes, and a shot of heejin waking up in a bed of pillows and looking around. now what does this remind you of?

that’s right - it’s egoist babey!! you thought we were done with olivia? HAH

ok, on a more serious note. this clearly parallels the opening of egoist in which we get a shot of hands (which from promo pictures we know to be yves and olivia’s) separating, and then olivia opens her eyes and wakes up on a matress.

it also seems to somewhat parallel olivia’s appearance in the XIIIX teaser, where she wakes up at the bottom of a staircase.

back to the star teaser, we then get this shot:

from the blurry reflection im gonna tenatively say this is hyunjin, but it could also be choerry. or who knows, maybe it’s both! they are counterparts after all.

(if it is choerry, it’s interesting that we’re getting her staring at her reflection again - perhaps another appearance of the other choerry from the flipped side of the mobius strip?)

we then see go won standing in front of the same window, looking somewhat surprised or intrigued. go won has connections to both hyunjin and choerry, so either one makes sense.

go won made the bracelet that the cat delivers to hyunjin in around you, as seen in see saw when she completes it and gives to said cat:

(along with a cat also appearing in go won’s solo mv one&only)

go won also set out a table for choerry in her castle, as seen by the cherries on the plate in one&only. choerry also directly appears in the one&only mv, delivering an apple to go won by yves:

so whether it’s hyunjin or choerry, the connection makes sense.

after go won’s window shot, we get a shot of chuu sitting on the floor. this seems to be one of many “filler shots” - there for the mv, not the lore. all loona mvs have them - most dance breaks, any shots where they’re singing directly to the camera, etc. i will be skipping these since i dont see any lore significance in them - if you or someone else does, great! i probably just missed it lol

anyways, the next shot i want to talk about is the one right after the chuu one.

we see heejin walking into a circle with the other members. there aren’t any connections i can think of so to speak, (other than the fact that heejin is standing beside hyunjin and olivia, both whom have connections with her) but we get another shot of this scene after one of heejin amongst the stars.

satanic ritual with the girls xoxoxo

ok but in all seriousness, i feel like this post has significance. loona is no stranger to magic (1/3 literally cast an “arcane spell of love” to rescue yeojin in sonatine), so it’s possible that they are doing some sort of spell or something.

 the pattern on the ground seems to resemble the sun, but knowing loona’s long-standing connections with the moon, and the burning moon in why not that appeared to be the sun, this could also be the moon; specifically, the moon after olivia set it on fire in so what.

perhaps they’re trying to “heal” it/return it back to normal? we see them dancing on the (perfectly ok) moon in why not, so perhaps this scene takes place between the burning moon scenes in why not and the moon dancing scenes? who knows.

another big thing i noticed is that they’re organized by subunit AND reveal order!!!

if you start at heejin and go counter-clockwise around the circle, they’re all in reveal order!!! 

heejin -> hyunjin -> yeojin -> vivi -> kim lip -> jinsoul -> choerry -> yves -> chuu -> go won -> olivia hye

that’s just... so cool to see aksjgjkagshjk ;;;

ok let’s continue. 

this next shot (aside from being really cool, im sure this is gonna become plenty of people’s headers lol) sort of reminds me of the og midnight festival teaser image. idk, maybe it’s just the twinkly stars and chuu looking back at the camera. as a sidenote, the arrangement of the girls in this shot doesn’t seem to have any meaning.

we get a bunch of filler shots of the girls (looking stunning as always!!) and then we get THIS:

ONCE AGAIN, HEEJIN & OLIVIA!!! this was the first scene in the teaser to actually make me squeal out loud lol. 

this part seems to signify what’s been shown before - heejin and olivia are parallels, counterparts, opposites. heejin is the first girl; she is light, good, regal and godly. olivia is the last girl; dark, “evil”, lowly and broken.

i find their expressions interesting. heejin once again has this very regal look about her, and while olivia gazes directly at her, heejin is focused on their touching hands. she looks almost.... bored. it gives me this sense of like “ugh, i cant believe im having to associate with HER” kinda vibe. idk, maybe that’s just me.

olivia on the other hand doesn’t seem to have any sort of distaste in her expression, she just has this focused, intent look towards heejin. i wonder if there’s any significance in the fact that olivia is looking right at heejin, while heejin avoids eye contact and instead looks at their hands?

a few filler shots later, and we get this one with yeojin and go won:

the first thing i thought of when i saw this was that part in the “#3″ teaser for so what with go won and chuu:

although it’s interesting to note that while in that shot, both go won and chuu turn around to peek at the camera, in this one, only yeojin turns her head while go won stays faced away.

at first i was a little confused, since connections between yeojin and go won didn’t immediately pop to mind. but then i remembered a connection between them i had been thinking about literally like a week ago - they’re both princesses!

go won seems to live in some sort of castle in one&only and is repeatedly seen with crown imagery or actual crowns:

yeojin’s princess imagery is a bit less obvious, but she wears a white dress with a tiara and is seen dreaming about princes and becoming a princess.

there’s also some theory that states that this flower thing yeojin wears on her chest in her main outfit for the mv is supposed to represent royalty IRL or something like that (i dont remember)

so there is a connection there, even if they haven’t really interacted one-on-one before.

after the shot of yeojin and go won, we get this shot:

choerry’s divorced moms

KFJSKGHJ OK IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, why do they look so.... passive aggressive?? they’re not smiling, they’re just staring at each other in this relaxed yet oddly confrontational way...

we’ve already gone over their connection, but i wanted to leave this in since i feel it has significance of some sort.

after a shot of hyunjin’s hair blowing in some unseen wind, we return to the first group shot, with them all admiring the floating stars together, and that’s where the teaser ends.

Whew! That was a lot! I’m sorry this got so long, once I started analyzing there was more than I thought there was.

Please reblog or reply with your own observations or theories, I’d love to hear them! I’m very excited to see what this new MV brings us this Wednesday!

- infizero

[tumblunni]

More thinking about the story big sis Bane is from

Lol this is SO awkward how on earth did i create the bff/mentor supporting character before ANY OF THE REST OF THE PLOT but man its been so much fun thinking up different stories she could fit in

* i was talking with a friend and they suggested she'd use a warhammer in battle ans now im like "hmm yes this story must be a game with combat" and that at least narrows it down a bit! I absolutely support her being a buff blacksmith cuddlebug who protects her friends with her fists as well as her mentorly perfectness. Also this friend said they're gonna design me a cool battle outfit for her IM SO EXCITED HOLY SHITTTT

* I'm not sure if the character she's bffs with would actually be a grandpa or just.. Grandpish? I just have this sense that its someone frail and depressed who doesn't believe they deserve friends and family, and they're all hermitty social anxiety until they meet this blacksmith lady who is like Fuck I Will Devote All Of My Considerable Power Towards Making Your Life More Alive. Seriously man i love Bane SO MUCH already!! She's basically a shonen hero archetype?? THE GRAMP AVENGER! Or a grandma or a dad or a whoever this person ends up being COS IF LITERALLY ANYONE IS IN NEED OF HELP SHE WILL BE THERE!! THE BANE OF DEPRESSION!!

* oh but im pretty sure that neither her nor the grandpa are the main character? I dont know why but i just feel like they would be better experienced from an outside view. I wanna be someone making friends with them! Also i feel like the protagonist should maybe be a young kid hero? Like, represent a different archetypal family role in this lil found family of hugs and sads.

* first initial idea- grandpa is a mysterious dark sorcerer and you are his apprentice! Or rather he just SEES himself as a dark sorcerer? Like all magic is considered evil, so even thougj he chooses to use his powers as a town doctor saving lives he still feels like he's a cursed monster. So he has an awkward dynamic with his apprentice cos he just Does Not Know How To React to someone hero worshipping him like this?? Like this orphan kid just came out of nowhere yelling BE MY TEACHER and hugging him and he's like OH NOOOO I CANT LEAVE THEM TO DIE IN THE COLD and theyre like SEE THATS PROOF YOURE GREAT and he's like NOOOOO!! xD i think a sort of "guy who never planned to be a gramp but had grampness thrown upon him" And he rose to the occasion spectacularly!!

* Another idea is that potentially instead of just being a random orphan, protagonist apprentice's backstory is shrouded in mystery? I was thinking maybe of a reveal that gramps actually did use to be a grandpa and his granddaughter died, and the protagonist was his failed attempt to ressurect her using dark magic. And for a long time he's been holding out on the hope that he really did bring her back, and that the protagonist will be able to recover her memories if he just tries hard enough. But as he grows to know you and love you like his own child, he realizes that you're your own person. (Or, well, your own homunculus?) And he takes responsibiluty for the new person he created, and helps you deal with finding out that you're not human, and you just form this very strange cute little family together with also the badass blacksmith lady yay! Also possibly LGBTQ elements because why not? Have the original dead grandkid always be a different gender to the protagonist, and them being trans could resonate with the themes that even though you're a clone you're your own person. And maybe have some sweet sad dream sequence where protag meets the ghost of the dead kid and you see a vision of what they might have looked like if they grew older. So throughout the course of the story you've become very different looking, and now you can embrace your big sibling for the first and last time, and feel like you really are a family. And they tell you to take care of gramps *sniff*

* Another idea is that maybe the protagonist is a secret government weapon? Like the gramps is still a dark sorcerer but instead of the dark incident in his past being a dead family member, its that he was part of a team of magic scientists and found out that his coworkers were crossing moral lines in their pursuit of power. So he finds a bunch of people locked up in a lab being turned into monsters and he managed to save only one of them during his great escape. And now he's trying to hide from them and raise this poor little monsterized kid to have a normal life.

* OR another idea is maybe taking this oc idea i had for a mismagius belonging to charon, because when i headcanon i tend to headcanon so deep i give everyone a full party and every party member needs a deep backstory too, lol. Anyway in that original pokemon version this mismagius was a lot more like an original ghost critter anyway i guess. His name was Hex and his concept was sorta like.. Charon meets kid charon? The other pokemon i gave him were all cute and bubbly to contrast him so i wanted to have one who was equally cynical. But also Hex is actually just a little kid even though he tries his damn best to be a Big Scary Evil Demon You Made A Contract With In Exchange For Great Power but really he's like a nine year old larping as one XD i think the whole concept could work better if he really WAS a magic spirit demon thing that this sad grandpa made a contract with in order to get the power to make his dreams come true. But also he's kind of a reject amoung other contract demon spirit thingies, and he's Really Just Babbu. I had this really sad idea for how he first met his trainer back when he was still a pokemon oc. From charon/new oc grandpa's perspective he found this big ominous scary demon lord and made an unholy contract! But from the demon's perspective he was just a tiny pathetic lonely lil kid who'd been hurt too many times by everyone he once trusted. So he grew to hate all those monsters who make friends with humans, and tried to act all egotistical like he chose to be alone. But eventually he just couldnt take it anymore and he decided he'd just go with the next human who tries to take him. Even if theyre evil.. Itd still be better than being alone. So he put up all those barriers around his true self and was so reluctant to trust gramps, but eventually being togethee has helped him regain his faith in having a happy life, yknow? And meanwhile grandpa is just like "oh god oh fuck youre a BABBY oh god how did i never know WHO WOULD LEAVE YOU ALL ALONE!!!" "Dude im a demon its not exactly normal to care about my wellbeing." "FUCK THAT, I AM YOUR GRAMP NOW"

* so yeah lol loads of different ideas about what the story could be, all kinda similar at heart but wildly varying from an innocent cute protag to grumpy cynical who's secretly an innocent cute protag, lol!

* in any case whoever you are and whoever gramps is, Bane is still be love u as big sis and support u thru the everything, yes

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #4

4. Maggot Brain

I’m so grateful to have people around me that are willing to carry my pain as their own, I’m so out of love with myself but beginning to fill my soul with what I’ve been lacking.

it’s difficult, having undergone such a traumatic situation, spending years to convince myself this nightmare was nothing but a pigment of my imagination, but finally saying it out loud is a process I’m willing to go through. I might go as far as to say this could be about the bravest thing i could’ve done in this life. i wasn't the problem. it wasn't my fault. in no way am i responsible for my own rape.

abuse is never acceptable and i do not deserve it despite thinking I did for a majority of the short time I’ve walked the face of this earth; but neither does anyone and I mean anyone. Everyone responds differently to trauma, even worse when you’ve been gaslighted for so many years of your life that you doubt your own sanity, you blame yourself & you feel crazy- when really you’re just traumatised. I’ve been abused in every sense on multiple other occasions & now I’m scared, I’ve lived my life in fear; that’s why I speak up.

I still feel weak; it still eats away at my brain like a maggot-but I feel good about saying it, not guilty, not like my fault, just right. I would have weird triggers for years and have those triggers feel invalid or dumb. I would put all the abuse I’ve gone through into one category rather than separate the occasions because it made me feel disgusting amplified 4 times rather than just 1. My views became distorted, I became paranoid & began to watch a cycle of abusive manipulators enter my life & never stopped to question why, because I didn’t want to believe why or where this could’ve stemmed from. Until now, I didn’t want to connect the dots but I knew if I never did it might be too late, I’d lose the desire to address it & live, and the guilty would never be proved guilty. I feel really rude that i cant go back in time and save my younger self, how I let such a poison control me- but I still breathe, I still strut my feet, I keep moving. I’m still alive.

men can be bloody awful, but for once I want something that’s says, yes women can be bad too; more than just that-women can abuse men domestically too. in order to understand our present existence it all goes back to past environmental morals, principles & values. Unfortunately I can’t question or study my violators and I can’t sit and police anyone or talk about anyone else’s experiences or contributing factors as to why they are the way they are. I can only talk & direct this or let this be inspired by my experiences, I’ve been raped twice by two separate men on two separate occasions-excluding a covert narcissist I dated & my childhood abuser.

I have an element of personal pride yet sometimes I wonder if it’s an inherent part of my character that I taught myself to enjoy/ find happiness in solitude- or if it stems from feeling inescapably lonely in the first place.

-as a kid or teenager I would create alternative realities that I could go escape too because it was my coping mechanism..it sounds dumb to anyone who is has no deep escapism issues and isn’t affected by the ways of the world. i always wanted to make my own show or felt like it was up to me to write my own script because i didn’t understand what character i was assigned to be in the one on how to be a good girl and function normally in a shitty pedophilic infested rapey shan ass fuckin excuse of a society. lol i could only try maintain the front like the good girl i was. I knew from pretty young the script we were ‘supposed’ to follow was not all that, and eventually i began lusting to be as powerful as the people who overpowered me, but not in such a brutal way, still i was going to make them do what i wanted. in life i would have to slay some demonic reptiles that may come in my way (me thinking i’m a warrior) otherwise i would get eaten alive. yeah so i knew the script had a deeper meaning. real shady, conforming and sus. mines would be freeing, true and carefree.

so there’s obviously an awareness these realities aren’t real now but when you begin to look at life as a game, subconsciously even in adult hood, you take certain risks before putting the logical precautionary measures in place!! I always wish i could stay in line but i vowed to write my own script as soon as i got a pen licence in primary! sometimes i feel like its one of my personalities controlling that ‘i must control my destiny’ crap, however i literally do feel my brain split, i still ave my purpose and will achieve things, there’s just a time scale in my head which makes everything sticky. in most situations where i should be able to act with logic or just make a simple bloody decision, it’s kinda like the classic devil on ones shoulder with an angel on the other (in my head it’s more like fosters home for imaginary friends gang) we don’t always want to make the best decisions or know what is right.

anyhooOO sometimes good things come out of risky situations, sometimes you think you’ll get killed but it becomes all part of the game and you just hope you aren’t getting played and they haven’t been sent to ruin or test you. sometimes you get sent messiahs and griots, storytellers and healers. people are assigned symbols, memorable energies too will never be forgotten, be it aura colors or lucky numbers. anyways I live in my imaginatio still but apply some of that to my ‘reality’ whatever the fuck that is. I am baaaaad for ghosting but i want cuddles all the time when i’m not thinking about hitting my  head against a wall. i want to read a poetry book or some shit with someone in the grass and eat jackfruit! & not run away from my issues when things feel too intense. Although it’s never a boring time when I’m away off sites other than tumblr i do miss when i was once a good communicator, now I really do specifically enjoy the isolated factor. but then I wonder how to differentiate an ingrained love of solitude from an acquired ability to thrive off  loneliness. 

I have seriously learned from it but i don’t need to be nourished by it forever- i want intimacy and honest expression really.. ; i just don’t know to what extent being alone is simply just a form of escapism to recharge or because i have always been convinced by something inside me that i wasn’t the same as others. either way i built contentment residing on my lonesome.

i'm nowhere near recovery. but i'm opening up about it. i'm no longer terrified to talk about it with the close ones that know. i'm trying not to feel ashamed due to the effects my trauma still has today. when in doubt, i have people to go to. i plan to join one to one therapy to help me accept & overcome it after and if things ever go back to some kind of normal that my brain can adapt to. I plan to free myself from this bondage.

[oppatxtme]

Christian Yu: What’s On Sight (1)

CHRISTIAN YU x READER x JAY PARK

Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7  // Chapter 8 // Chapter 9

WARNING: Just some curse words in some part. (sorry)

A/N: (Nhaks lakas maka-A/N HAHA!) Hello there ppl ~ This will be my first time posting my written scenario. I have lots on draft but it just stays there. Hahaha! But this is just my testing on posting it. I hope you liked it. Tell me what you think. I appreciate it really. 

Also, just keep in mind that English is not my native language so there might be some spelling and grammar error. Sorry for my lack of talent and I promise to work hard on this. Thank you and please enjoy. Any feedback is well loved. <3

             Ba?

                 BaaaaaaaaaRom!

                 Yaaaah! Christian!

  - yow! hahaha!

theres no need to yell

whats up? miss me?

                 Tsssk! Wat took u so long to reply?

               Wen u just tweet some trash when i msg u?

  - first of all its not trash, its called selfie. a selfie of a very handsome man who's supposed to be ur only best friend on earth. so show some love.

                FYI ur not the ONLY best friend i have. aaargh! watever!

  - ok fine. im just the best of the best u have. hahaha

                 k.

  - HAHAHAHA!

                 O_O

- so wats new? its rare that ur the one looking for me and flooding me msgs like that..

                 well..

  - well?

                its just that..

 - just that - you really miss me right?

                seriously Ian? If I were to miss someone, u already know who it was and its not you.

 - HAHAHA! I know. I know. Its Lori. Its always been Lori.

                 yea, always..

  - well Lori misses u too. we both do.

                 Loooori! Arrrgh! dont be like that Ian, if u keep saying and sending me that I might change my mind on renewing my contract here.

  - huh? ur planning on renewing there? but thats not what u said when u took ur vacation YN

                  yea, i know. but something came up and i cant afford to quit and stay in Seoul as planned

  - WHY??

                 change of plans? hehe

 - well obviously

                  wait. r u mad or something?

 - no. its just that its not like you. i mean ur not that type of person who just back out once u decide on something w/o even trying.

                 i know Ba.. u dont have any idea how stressful it is, but i cant affort to make a mistake now..

               i just cant Ba

 - where r u now? its already 6am here in Seoul so its already 1am there in Dubai right?

                 yea.. why?

 - answer my call.

  You’re hesitant to answer his call. But you answered anyway because you know him too well. He won’t stop calling until u answered.

 You cleared your throat.

 "Oh?"

  "Took you long enough."

 You can’t help but smile on how comfortable the two of you become. I guess that’s what four years of friendship can do to you.

  "Well, I miss you too Ba."

  "Whatever. So mind telling me what’s on your empty head that you decide to renew your freaking contract on that trashy company you're in."

  "Haha! The company is not trashy, just most of the people in it though."

  "Same thing. So why? Don’t you think you've been trolling me long enough? Long distance call is not cheap you know."

  You end up laughing at imagining how irritated he looks at the moment.

  "Stingy as always. But first, why are you mad?"

  "Wait a moment here YN, I'm the one who's calling so just answer my question and I might tell you why I'm mad."

  "Fine. Well, how do I start.."

 Honestly, you have plenty on your mind that you want to say to him. Because u know that out of all the people you know, you know that Christian is the right person who you can talk about it.

 But now that you've been keeping it for too long for yourself, you’re having a problem with putting it to words.

  "How about starting on since when are you having this issues and keeping it to yourself so now you're stressing yourself about it?"

 Again, you can’t help but laugh.

  "What’s funny YN? Are you gone crazy?"

  "Well, I think I am. Because just hearing you blabber makes my mind at ease. I don’t know how and why."

  You know that you said something cheesy so you're waiting for his lame joke in return, but it’s just silence.

  "Ba? Are you there?"

  You heard him clear his throat.

  "Damn YN, just answer my question will you?"

  "Fine. It happens right after my one week stay there in Seoul. When I went back home, I talked to Mom about the plan I talked you about. She agreed and more excited about it. But when she opened what I told her to Dad, he closes the idea and ends up making my return to Dubai much early as planned. And he wants me to either renew my contract here or find another company. He also said that before making any stupid decision, I have to make sure that my future is secure. And he brought again the topic of him finding a man for me to marry. What the heck right. I mean he's saying that before but I thought is all lame jokes but now he is serious with that arrange marriage thing? Aaargh!"

 You paused to breathe and try to stop the tears that I've been holding.

  "Did your Dad know that you went here in Seoul and met me before making that plan?"

  "I think so. I show the pictures to Mom that I took there and also with the crew. Why?"

  "I think it’s my entire fault YN. Sorry."

  "Huh? Sorry for what? How can it be your fault?"

  "Well, if what I think is correct then it’s really my fault. But I'm not sure."

  I heard his sight, a deep and long one. And I can’t stop wondering why.

  "How? Christian?"

  "You need to get some sleep YN. It’s already late there."

  "Oh no! Don’t give me that bull Christian. You need to tell me how it is your fault? And what’s the sorry for?"

  Silence.

  "I'm waitin Christian Yu. Or should I call you so you can just answer my question?"

  "God, YN. You and your impatience is really something."

  "Are you going to tell me or you're just going to tell me?"

  And it’s his turn to laugh at you.

  "Aigooo. Thanks for that very considerate choice YN."

  "I'm listening Ian."

  "So Bossy! Just like your father."

  "BAROM YU!"

  "Yes! First, I'm not sure if it’s really my fault. But given the fact that your Dad knew we met since your two years abroad, then I think it has something to do with the talk we had two years ago."

  "Two years ago? You and Dad talk? About what?"

  "Before your departure to Dubai. Remember the crew and I stayed 3 days in your home town to bond and decided to extend one more day just so we can send you off on the day of your flight?"

  You nod your head as if he can see you.

  "We stayed at your house that last day remember?"

  Again you nod. As if he can see you, stupid.

  "And that night, your boyfriend told you that he can’t come along to the airport with us. You told him it’s okay, but you cried like a water falls that night."

  "EX-BOYFRIEND now, yeah I remember. And now that I think about it, you stayed in my room just to console me and to make sure that I won’t stay up late. And that’s the last time I saw you because the next morning you're gone. They say that you had to go back to Seoul immediately due to some work issue. I keep calling you but I can’t get a hold of you."

  "Because right after I left your room, I saw your Dad drinking on the terrace and I don’t know what kind of spirit came to me that made me go and talk to him."

 He paused and I'm sure I can hear his hand touching either his hair or his cheeks.

  "What did the two you talked about Christian?"

  “Well, what do you think we can talk about on that time?”

  "Huh?"

  "Back then, I kind of told your Dad what I really feel. Well now, I don’t know if this will make any sense to you or if you will take this seriously but I told him three years ago. At first, I asked him if he believed in love at first sight. He said no.

But I told him that I do believe in such. Because there this girl that I met, and what I felt was extraordinary, it’s somewhat like "SPARK AT FIRST SIGHT".

And I tried to ignore what I felt towards that girl because I know if I entertain that feeling it will just go nowhere. But the second time I saw how pure and kind she is, I admit that it’s a "crush at second sight" for her.

And the third time I saw her, we got a chance to somehow get to know little but enough from each other, and that’s the day I surrender that it’s "LOVE AT THIRD SIGHT"."

  I think I know where this is going, but I still need to be sure so I keep all that I want to say for myself, for now.

  "After that, he told me that he admires my ways and ask if that girl is already my girl. But I said no because after that day I saw her with someone else and what I felt is one-sided and for that my heart got "BROKEN AT FOURTH SIGHT".

But I told him that I'll make sure that she will be my wife someday. It’s just that it’s not yet our time back then."

  "Barom-"

  "No YN, let me finish please."

  You didn’t say or more likely you can’t say anything. You think your mind is on a chaos mode.

  "Your dad figure who the girl I was talking about, he said that we're two different people and still young and for me who hasn't figured out my life while you're already on the path towards what he planned for you. But he got mad when I said that you need to live the life you want not what he planned. And I'm certain that you and I are for each other and there will be a day that I will tell you how I felt and you and I can make our own life to live happily.

 I know that it’s stupid of me that I'm saying this now and thru the phone but. I just don't know what to do YN. I'm confused and scared."

  You kept quiet for a while. Then you found yourself looking on the screen of your phone. Dumbfounded on what Christian Yu is saying. Your best friend that you treated like your big brother, rather than your own.

 You’re confused. The things running thru your mind is kept on filling up. And you just can handle it all at once. So you just press the end button on the screen without saying anything to him.

 You tried to breathe just to calm yourself.

 But not a minute pass and your phone rings.

 And it’s Christian.

 'Aaah! So it’s not a dream.'

 While looking at the caller ID on your phone, all that he said is slowly sinking in.

 'So he likes me back then? Does he still feel the same way till now? Nah, that’s impossible. But now that I think of it, it just makes things more clear. All the favors I asked of him, he never once he refuses and all I thought it’s because he thinks of me as a little sister that he never had.

 Aaargh! My head is aching because of this overthinking.'

  Your attention return to your phone that keeps on ringing, you decided to reject his calls and send him a message.

 'Sorry Christian, talk to you later once I figure things out.'

 It’s already late and in just 3hrs you need to go for your work. You stress yourself if you will sleep of just waiting for the time. But then you fell asleep and woke up to the sound of your alarm.

 'Another day but same old problems, please no more new ones. Let me settle my entire problem first and give me a rest! Please!'

TO BE CONTINUE...

Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7  // Chapter 8 // Chapter 9  

A/N: what do you think about this chapter? Talk to me, don’t be shy. I won’t bite. Have a good day/night everyone!

Y/N Portrayer in collage is @Mari_jasmmn  ~ check her out in IG (GIRL CRUSH)

[s-driesen]

time may change me (but i cant trace time) chapter 2/6

Ten is for Learning- 3k words

Read on ao3

previous chapter / next chapter

Summary: Summer comes around again at ten and eleven, and Robbe is starting to wonder if he really does have a crush on that girl in his class, despite something feeling massively OFF.

Featuring: Fifa, sore losers and the shambles that are Robbe's parents.

TW: implication of violence (two adults arguing), uneducated stance on mental illness (Robbe’s like ten lmao)

Robbe didn't exactly know the science behind global warming, but in the thick of Antwerp's heat wave he had a reason to believe in it. All the window's in his house had been thrown open as soon as him and Sander had rushed inside, hiding from the sun. After hours of wandering aimlessly around their neighbourhood, they were sick of the beating heat, thirsty and ready to laze about doing absolutely nothing. It had been a great day so far, both of them in the best of moods, joking and laughing in the way they usually did, but with an extra layer of carefree glee on top of the normality. In fact, Robbe's cheeks still hurt from laughing an hour after they had sprawled onto his couch, ready to pig out until Sander had to leave. The entire day, Sander wouldn't stop making absolutely stupid jokes, the one's verging on crude that made the other boy lose it every single time. Even as Robbe turned his Xbox on, he was giggling, telling Sander to 'shut up' in fear of his mum overhearing (even if he knew she wouldn't). It took them both a couple of long minutes to calm down enough to figure out what game they were going to play. It was Fifa of course, Sander would usually complain, but he knew Robbe was too tired to move from the couch to change the disks over.

Robbe's shirt was sticking to him and the room was so stuffy despite the light breeze that streamed in from the open windows. The water he'd got for the both of them had turned warm in minutes of coming out of the tap, unpleasant and nowhere near as refreshing as they'd hoped it would've been. His hair clung to his forehead and his neck- Robbe's mum was right, maybe it was way too long for such hot weather. For a second he thought back to Sander a couple of years previous, in his big hoodies under the sun. Robbe didn't know how he'd dressed like that on the warmest of days without passing out. Honestly, Robbe never grew to understand why he did wear such baggy clothes. And it was too late to ask. Sander had changed his 'fashion sense' now, donning short sleeves and 3/4 cargo pants, decked out in a t-shirt Robbe was pretty sure he'd seen Sander's older brother, Ross,wear.

''You keep on missing! What are you even doing, Robbe?'' Sander teased, gesturing wildly at the footballers on screen, laughing as he scored yet another goal. No matter how much Sander complained about Fifa it didn't stop him from beating Robbe nearly every time they played.

''I wasn't paying attention! Oh my god, stop, at least give me a chance to pass-'' Being younger than Sander sometimes made Robbe feel like he was at a disadvantage, it wasn't a big gap (only a year and two months between them), but Sander always seemed so much more sharper than his friend. The infinite amount of wisdom an eleven year old had compared to a ten year old seemed massive to Robbe. Sander scored again, and Robbe was pretty much done.  

''You're not even playing properly now!'' Sander grinned, knowing that he'd won quickly enough to annoy Robbe ''Don't be a sore loser, Ijzermans...''

''I'm not a sore loser, I just wasn't paying attention! Re-match, come on'' Robbe sat forward, in a slow effort to make himself pay more attention, hoping that he might suddenly get better at the game- despite the fact he didn't really know what he was doing. He could feel Sander's amusement even if he wasn't facing him, that toothy grin and the slightly patronising eyebrow raise he always shot Robbe before he made a fool of himself. Sander scored nearly as soon as the match started. There was a short silence as Robbe dropped his controller in mock disbelief, before Sander burst into a fit of laughter, falling backwards on the couch and Robbe shook his head.

"HOW? That's so unfair...You suck!" He had to shout over Sander's laughter, gesturing wildly at the TV screen. Robbe was laughing too now, and his was tummy hurting from the way he doubled over, hand clutching his chest. Every single time there was a dip in the severity of their giggles, Sander would look at Robbe and the tears in their eyes would make them lose it all over again. In moments like those, Robbe realised how Sander was the only one who could make him laugh like that, all incoherent noises and snorts, loud and boldly uncontrolled. Jens and the other kids at school were funny, but they didn't know how to make Robbe's eyes water, and his dimples pop, like Sander did. Through spluttered giggles, after a couple of painfully joyous minutes Sander managed to say "That was embarrassing...Seriously" Robbe merely stuck his tongue out at him in response, still flushed in the face and warmer than he had been all day. Sander, huffing, put his controller to the side before glancing at Robbe sideways- clearly mischievous. "What would your Noor think of that?"

Robbe's grin faltered for the first time since that morning. And he didn't know why, exactly. That was the issue he'd been having recently.

Noor was a girl in Robbe's class. A friend, as well as a girl. She sat opposite him on their group's table, and the pair of them got along so easily. Like they'd known one another since kindergarten. You see, Noor played video games too, her brother had a PS4, and her and Robbe would sit and talk about GTA when they were supposed to be doing classwork- much to Miss Visser's dismay. Surprisingly, to Robbe's dense 10 year old brain, she was very good at them, knowing tricks that he hadn't gotten around to learning yet and being happy to help him. Fifa wasn't her thing though...He wondered for a second if that was why he was so bad at it.She'd smile at a remark like that. Noor smiled a lot, and she wouldn't hesitate to laugh at Robbe's stupid jokes either- the one's that he'd definitely stole from Sander. She make Robbe laugh a lot too, it only took him a couple of weeks to realise that being friends with her was almost as fun as being friends with Jens. The only downside to talking to Noor was the whispers that followed their every interaction. That was the issue Robbe had had recently. A boy and a girl talking, laughing, joking, smiling together meant one thing to everyone- one of them had a crush. And Robbe didn't exactly know what one of those was.

He'd made the mistake of asking Jens, of course. Which didn't help. Whilst Jens was one of the smartest in their class, he'd never really had a way with words. The pair had been sitting on one of the playgrounds walls during recess when Robbe had blurted out ''How do you know if you have a crush on someone?''

Jens had stopped eating his crackers to crane his neck in Robbe's direction, quirking an eyebrow whilst brushing a long strand of black hair out of his eyes. He shrugged at first, slowly chewing as he paused to think. After such suspense Robbe was expecting a groundbreaking answer, one that would provide clarity and help him decide if he actually did have a 'crush' on Noor. But instead, all he got was something mildly underwhelming, mumbled through a mouthful of cracker dust.

''You...like them a lot. And they make you feel nice....And you think they're, like, pretty, i guess?''

''That's it?'' Robbe had shaken his head in dismay, even more confused than he had been before he'd asked. The thing was, Robbe could apply that logic to a lot of people. Sander made him feel nice, he would always compliment Robbe when he did something good, laugh when subjected to his poor attempts at original humour and listen when he told long, winding stories. Robbe liked Sander a lot. Objectively he was pretty too, all of the girls in Sander's year said so. They'd stand by the football pitches sidelines, crooning, whenever he played; all gushing and grinning. Robbe thought that was gross, for some reason. The idea of girls blushing over Sander was definitely gross. The idea of someone having a 'crush' on Sander was even more repulsive to Robbe.

''Yeah, that's it Robbe...'' Jens dusted the cracker crumbs from his pants, crumpling the packet in his grubby hands before shoving it in one of his trouser's pockets. He took a second, as Robbe ran over that shabby definition one hundred times in his head, before curiously asking ''Are you asking because of Noor?''

Robbe didn't want to answer that, so he didn't say anything at all. His mum told him silence was always an acceptable answer. But what he didn't know was the numerous ways silence could be interpreted. Because, in response to his friends silence, Jens made the answer up for himself. The other's face broke out in a blossoming grin, all Cheshire-cat like, as he hopped down from the wall. ''You have a crush on her?'' He said the words too loudly for Robbe's liking, bouncing like some sort of excitable puppy, just ecstatic enough to draw attention from the younger kids hovering around them. A pit grew in Robbe's stomach of the idea of that rumour spreading...Of Noor hearing. Of Noor wanting to be his girlfriend.

''No!'' Robbe's vehement defence just egged on his 'best' friend, though. Jens was laughing too loudly, insisting that he thought so, and profoundly declaring that Robbe was 'in love'. It was embarrassing, Robbe could still feel the heat his cheeks had filled with, as he sat on the couch staring at Sander.

''Earth to Robbe...Ground control wants a report'' Sander cupped a hand over his own mouth, mimicking the sound of a walkie-talkie as he shuffled up the couch in order to stab at Robbe's arm with his finger. He shook his head in response, letting out a strained laugh as the slight dread in his stomach lifted- Sander's idiocy never failed to make him feel better. But after his and Jens' conversation, that fact made Robbe scrunch up his face.

''How did you find out about that? Did Jens tell you?'' He mused, trying to act cool in the face of such an awkward subject. Sander could read him like a book though, and he only smiled wider at Robbe's mannerisms, folding his arms to exaggerate his smugness.

''Yeah, but Noor's friends are LOUD so...It wasn't like that was the only way I could've found out'' Sander was undeniably proud of himself and his nonexistent detective skills, he was looking at Robbe expectantly, like he was supposed to say something. Robbe stared at him in confusion, mouthing a small 'what?' before Sander rolled his eyes, still positively beaming. Of course Sander was thriving off this stupid situation. Crushes and girls were his thing,after all, despite how much he'd protest that exact fact. Sander had gotten his first girlfriend a couple of weeks after him and Robbe had met. To no ones surprise, her and Robbe hated each other. She was mean, to be fair to Robbe, always calling him 'little' and a baby. Sander had boldly broken up with her in the middle of recess after she tripped Robbe for 'stealing' Sander... Whatever that had meant. ''Are you not going to tell me anything about her then?''

''There's nothing to tell you about''

''But you have a crush on her...'' Sander protested ''I told you everything when I had a crush on Engel last month'' Robbe was starting to realise how many of Sander's crushes he didn't like. Engel was annoying, and loud, and too girly. All of them were too girly, too obsessed with makeup and clothes, stuff that Robbe didn't care about. But, Noor wasn't. In reality, Robbe liked Noor. He just didn't know if what he felt qualified as a crush.

''I don't know if i have a crush on her'' He hesitated before continuing, looking down at the controller he still gripped in his hands, fingers incessantly fiddling with the buttons to ease his nerves ''She makes me happy and I think she's pretty, but I don't know if that's what a crush is...Like-' Robbe paused for a moment, pursing his lips as he thought. He swallowed quickly before mumbling ''I don't want her to be my girlfriend, girlfriends are kind of gross.''

Finally, he managed to look at Sander, suddenly grateful for the influx of warm weather and sunburn due to the heat radiating off of his cheeks. Speaking about girls was new territory for the two...Robbe was spectacularly uncomfortable. He was expecting Sander to still be beaming, delighted at his friends discomfort and embarrassment when speaking about his speculated crush like Jens usually did. But instead, he looked oddly serious- as serious as an 11 year old could get.

''Why do you think girlfriends are gross?'' It was a sincere question, asked out genuine curiosity, but Robbe still couldn't think of an answer that sounded logical.

''They just do. They, like, take up all of your time. A-and speak about girl stuff. And...'' Robbe's words all came out in one breath, frustrated and confused ''I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with you, you know?''

Sander nodded in agreement, understanding as always. Robbe liked when he did that, always seeming to get what he was saying without ever really trying. It helped Robbe be able to breathe easier, the initial panic at his teasing subsiding after one loaded look. Being unable to hang out with Sander because of some girl was something Robbe never ever wanted, he decided that then in that moment. And it looked like Sander had come to his own conclusion, his mouth open to say something that he'd never get to say. Because, all of a sudden, there was an ungodly barrage of shouting and screaming coming from above them, the ceiling shaking with the weight of retreating footsteps. The worst part was that Robbe didn't even jump, expecting his parents to start a war sooner or later- it was that time of the day after all.

The fighting had been getting worse recently. His mum was tired, constantly, always snappy and lazy. Picking at conversations until they bled, like a scab, into some sort of row. Robbe had been living on takeout for the past two weeks, with his mother unable to cook and his dad working night shifts. A month ago, that would've been an absolute dream, but lately he found himself missing the home-cooked food she'd made before thing's went downhill. During the day (If Sander wasn't there) Robbe found himself to be lonely more than bored, with both of his parents sleeping- his dad recovering from a night working in warehouses and his mother weighted like a stone, unable to do anything for herself. To be truthful, Robbe was angry at her. Mostly because he didn't understand what was going on, and why she liked to shout at his dad so much. Robbe's father had always been antagonistic, but these days it seemed that whenever they were in the same room a thick band of tension weighed over the entire family. It was exhausting.

The sound of, what Robbe presumed was the vase on his parent's rooms dresser, smashing was what brought him back to reality- the previous minutes of shame forgotten. Sander looked horrified, quietly scared, like he knew he wasn't supposed to have such an outward reaction. After a lull in the yelling, only whisper-shouting echoing down into the living room, he looked over to Robbe with those big, sympathetic eyes. The ones that Robbe didn't know how to feel about, yet.

''Should I go?'' He questioned, quieter than before. Robbe merely pressed his lips together in a grimace, before forcing a nod. He really didn't want him to leave, but Robbe's dad would kill him if he found out their neighbour's son had overheard a domestic. Sander began to get up, reaching for his shoes (which were strewn haphazardly near the TV) as the shouting started up once again. From what Robbe could make out it was something about money, loans, and his mother's job. She'd stopped going to work, and despite his ignorance to the adult world, Robbe knew that was a bad thing. He dug his fingers into the sofa's material as the room suddenly felt a lot stuffier, like the windows were locked shut and it was two degrees hotter than it already was.

He could tell Sander didn't know what to say, as he slipped on his shoes. Robbe didn't blame him, his family were probably too perfect to deal with stuff like this. Envy wasn't a thing Robbe was conscious of yet, but it lingered over their every interaction, when it came to family. Sander's mum was the type of woman to bake a cake after every single one of her kid's achievements, be that minor or major, the type to cut up carrots and cucumber in cute ways to make her children's lunches interesting. Robbe's was the type to sleep until 4pm and only come downstairs for water and takeout. And for whatever reason, his dad expected Robbe not to even slightly resent her.

''I-I'll speak to you tomorrow, Robbe?'' Sander was hovering by the door, looking unbelievably awkward in front of Robbe for the first time in years.

''Yeah''

''We'll go for a walk down near the high street? My mum will give us money for ice-cream if I ask nicely, hopefully'' He said it quickly, painfully aware that the noise coming from upstairs was escalating. But, being one of the kindest humans alive, Sander was still intent on letting Robbe have something to look forward to. The other grinned in response, letting his friend know that that was cool with him, before Sander gave a short wave and walked out of the door.

Robbe heard him leave after a couple of long seconds, the latch on his front door clicking shut. Whenever Sander left Robbe's house it sucked, but then it hurt in a different type of way. Because then it was just him and the pair of dysfunctional adults fighting upstairs, still screaming and thudding and shouting like they didn't have a child, meek and reserved, sitting downstairs. Robbe wondered for a second if they even cared about him, as something else vaguely porcelain smashed on the stairway. If they even considered him when they had their shouting matches. Picking up his game controller, Robbe loaded up a solo match on Fifa, feeling warmly empty.

Even if his parents didn't really care about him, even if no one else that knew him cared about Robbe Ijzermans, he always knew he'd have one person to fall back on. And that was the kid he was going to get ice cream on the high street with the next day. Not the girl he was supposed to have a crush on.

--

Hey, thanks for reading! Feel free to follow me on twitter @ s_driesen

[blacknihilism-blog1]

1. have you ever been in love?

Yes. Twice. 

2. what are your favourite colours and why?

Black/Red. I love Black because it can typically match with any other colors and usually makes for dope color schemes. I also like darker colors more for some reason. I love bright colors as well but I’ve found that I don’t like to wear them too much or get them on items that I use often

3. who was the last person you held hands with?

If I ever hold hands it’s platonic considering I havent been in a relationship in 10 months lol. So probably one of my friends. 

4. what is your zodiac sign?

Taurus

5. how many times have you read your favourite book?

Honestly I dont know any books that were so good to me that I read it multiple times. I don’t read as often as I like.

6. what are your favourite films?

I don’t really have a lot of “favorites”. Any time I’m asked for a favorite *blank* my mind draws a blank lol.

7. what kind of weather do you like?

I love rainy weather. I love cold weather. But I don’t like cold rainy weather. At least not if i’m outside.

8. do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

I like sunsets. Although I love to see any transition of the sun whether it be rising or setting, since I love the night time I love to see it go from a beautiful range of colors to darkness rather than a beautiful range of colors into lots of sunshine.

9. what kind of weather represents who you are as a person?

Murky rain. But out in the corner of the sky u can see a huge ray of sunshine.

10. what’s your favourite animal?

I love dogs

11. what is your favourite song right now?

“Get You” by Daniel Caesar

12. what is your favourite song of all time?

Oof what did I say about favorites?

13. do you like sunny days or rainy days better?

I absolutely love rainy days unless I have to do a lot of driving.

14. have you ever been heartbroken?

Yes

15. what does the perfect kiss feel like?

I think the perfect kiss is less about the physical kiss and moreso with the perfect person at the perfect time. As in the kiss that signifies marriage or whatever. I think that’s what the perfect kiss feels like. The realization that with this kiss, you are promising to always love and care for whoever you’re kissing.

16. what is your favourite poem?

Eh

17. who are you most inspired by?

I don’t have much inspiration as of right now. In the past it was Childish Gambino but currently I’m just eh.

18. are you spiritual?

I have an appreciation for some spiritual studies and practices but personally I’m not too spiritual. 

19. what is your favourite plant?

lmfao weed

20. what is your favourite feeling?

Being in love and content with life.

21. what is your favourite word?

Fuck

22. are you an artist?

I don’t really make any art. I’ve made a few songs and I wanna get into poetry and video making. But I don’t know if my current level of confidence allows me to call myself an artist.

23. what is your favourite flower?

Bud

24. are you happy?

Not genuinely but I have my moments.  

25. what are you thinking about right now?

Honestly I’m thinking about someone. I wish I wasn’t just because I don’t like thinking about people who don’t want me in the same way that I want them. All that does is create pain and I rather avoid feeling that confusing feeling that is love. I mean if the love was returned then it’s great but who knows, Maybe it’s better if we aren’t together. We can only let time tell.

26. what emotion do you feel most often?

Confusion/Regret. In my head I’m always trying to avoid conflict/making someone feel any sort of negative emotion. And any time I make a mistake i regret everything. And I’m always feeling confusion because I never know how I can really improve who I am as a person. 

27. what is your favourite season?

Winter. I love cold weather. TMI but honestly I sweat too much to be comfortable during any hot season. And I’m a very affectionate person so I cant hug people as much during the summer. During the winter I’m always loving on my friends lol. Plus if you’re in a relationship, those “cold-outside-but-cuddling-inside” days are lovely.

28. are you in a relationship?

No. Honestly outta nowhere like yesterday or two days ago I realized that I had some strong feelings for someone I’m close to and dated in the past. I started talking about if we were dating and I just moved way too fast. I regretted everything i said instantly and just played it off as whatever. In the moments following her telling me that I’m moving too fast I was just snapped back to reality and decided I needed to calm myself down. Looking back I did seem crazy. But it’s been so long since i had any feelings for anybody (to the point that I’d date them) and I just got excited if im going to be real. And I was also sick at the time so I’m just laying in bed picturing me with them and it seemed like we could work really well together. But it’s okay. I’m just gonna take my time. I don’t know whether I should move on or pursue her at a slower pace. So for now I’m just gonna be big chillin.

29. are you an introvert or extrovert?

Introvert. Unless it’s really some people I’m comfortable with I’m pretty timid. Even with out with some of my closest friends I’d rather just be home. 

30. do you prefer the moon or the stars?

The stars. There’s this street not too far from my friends house and me and him have driven down it a few times now. When you’re on this street, if you turn off your headlights and look up the sky has very little light pollution and it’s beautiful. The moon is rarely close enough for me to enjoy. 

31. what is your favourite scent?

I love the smell of a lot of different foods. But looking back, my favorite smell used to be the perfume that my girlfriend constantly used. I ran into one person who used the same one as her some time after we broke up and for lack of a better term, it triggered lots of memories of her. But I used to love it. Not because the scent was so good, but rather because I was in love with her and everything about her.

32. where do you feel most at home?

In my room. I used to have these black bags over my window which allowed very little light into my room and as I said earlier, I prefer darkness. But I took those down recently as a metaphorical enlightenment and symbol for how my life was headed in a brighter, more positive direction. It sort of works, but mainly I love my room because at night time I’m never bothered. And it seems like a safe space. At 2 a.m. in my room, I’m alone. My parents won’t call me for random tasks, teachers can’t pester me about random assignments, and I can just do whatever I want.

33. what scares you the most?

Honestly the last time i was seriously afraid of something, I was afraid that I had caused some major damage to someone I trust and love. So I’m terrified of hurting other people. I’ve seen so many people be hurt by so many things. I never want to see myself become the source of someone’s terror.

34. do you believe in soulmates?

God knows I do. But honestly something about soulmates that I always question is the setting of a pair of soulmate’s birth. For example, what if you weren’t born in the same location and/or time period as your soulmate. If it’s just the location, you can roam the Earth and possibly meet them if your lucky. But if you never leave your hometown, in my opinion your soulmate probably isn’t born in your hometown. I think you need to explore to find them. And I hate to be pessimistic, but i think that you aren’t guaranteed to meet your soulmate, if they do exist. So the vast majority of people don’t meet them. But I hate thinking like that. It puts me in a very nihilistic point of view.

35. what is your favourite thing about yourself?

I try hard to spread love and positivity. I have so much love in my heart.

36. what is the nicest compliment you’ve received?

Honestly i dont know. 

37. who is your favourite music artist?

Childish Gambino. I had a huge Gambino phase during early high school. I connected to a lot of his music and his personality that was portrayed through different interviews. He was mysterious to me because he doesnt use social media and just keeps to himself a lot. But I like “Camp” because i felt like a lot of that music was relatable to a “White, Black Kid” which was something i struggled a lot with in middle school. I’m fully black but people called me “white” due to my behavior. Which was basically not enforcing black stereotypes. And due to peer pressure I took on the role of the “White, Black Kid” or the “Oreo” (Black on the outside and white on the inside). 

38. what was your first kiss like?

It was for my 14th birthday. Looking back on it, it was a mess because I was hella insecure at the time. I was just nervous and asked like 3 times which ruined the mood. I was just surprised that someone wanted to kiss me period. But it was at an ice skating rink for my birthday. It was just me and a bunch of friends but I was “talking” to this girl at the time. Basically we went sit on the other side of the rink and was just talking. All my other friends were trying to look at us which also didnt help my insecurity/bad nerves. But I did it. And i was so happy for the following few days lol.

39. are you a sensitive person?

Tbh, probably. I’m very open to criticism but I also get hurt fairly easily.

40. when was the last time you cried?

A few days ago. Either out of pain from my tooth or heart ache whenever I was first told to slow it down with the girl i was into. Ik its silly to cry over something that small but idk. I’m just being honest and letting yall know the last time i cried. 

41. do you believe that love can last forever?

Yeah. That’s the kind of love I want. I want to take some time and enjoy my teenage years but then fall in love with one person and i want to be with that one person forever. I just dont trust enough people to think that we’d last forever tho. That’s why I don’t get into relationships too often. I won’t get into a relationship if I don’t see me and that person lasting. 

42. what do you think happens to us when we die?

I’m not too spiritual but I wouldn’t be surprised if Heaven and Hell existed. I’m way too simpleminded to try and comprehend what lies in the afterlife though. 

43. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Sadly. I cried hard as hell myself afterwards tbh.

44. what do you think about when you can’t fall asleep at night?

I’m not sure if this question is asking what thoughts keep me up, or what thoughts put me to sleep. A lot of thoughts keep me up. But it’s not the thoughts themselves, but rather my inability to sleep. I don’t have insomnia but usually if i’m up, I’m up because i don’t want to go to sleep, or im in some sort of discomfort/pain thats keeping me up. And sometimes I don’t go to sleep because I’m texting someone and either im hoping we can have an “interesting” convo or i just wanna stay up and talk to em. And lately either being sick, or my unattended dental problems keep me up.

45. do you believe in aliens?

Okay, lets be honest. As big as space is, you expect me to believe that we’re the only living beings? Yeah okay. Sure. Lol

46. what is the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

My friend brought me medicine at work and lord knows I was so grateful because I was seriously struggling. It’s not the nicest but goddamn did I appreciate it.

47. do you find it hard to trust?

I find it hard to trust somebody with my heart. As in I don’t trust many people enough to date them. I’m actually very open which can be a good or a bad thing depending on how you look at it. I see it as good because I feel that it makes me pretty approachable. But it’s bad because I leave myself susceptible to getting hurt by being open.

[seventeenbiscuits]

Seventeen!Biscuits Au  (Vocal Unit)

Read the Hip Hop Unit Version Read the Performance Unit Version

A/N: This is the last post in the Biscuits!Au series, someone send me a request or else I might have nothing to do T_T + IM SO DAMN SORRY FOR TIHS REALLY BAD WRITING IM REALLY REALLY SORRY IM SORRY PLEASE DONT KILL ME AHHH

Jeonghan: Jam Biscuit

jam biscuits and tea are the best

like a fancy victorian era tea

straight up out of an anime

DOES JEONGHAN NOT REMIND YOU OF SOME ATTRACTIVE ANGELIC BUTLER OR SOMETHING IN AN ANIME HELP

light dusting of sugar

jeonghan is this little precious sugar biscuit who sits on a dainty napkin with butterfinger!joshua

however you can get these biscuits in a packet of twenty and just

gorge yourself on these delicious jammy goodies

not so dainty anymore

oh well

giraffe jeonghan is my aesthetic

ok but if you eat too much of the jam cookies

you feel really sick and the cookies are like

MWHAAHAHA WE HAVE SEDUCED YOU WITH OUR JAM

dirty jam jam

and jeonghan is seriously not all angel

that gif of him in adore you

that one 

you know that one

two faced jeonghan 

Joshua: Butterfinger 

ok idk if you guys know what butterfingers are

but theyre those things that you use for tiramisu

and this is funny bc

shuashua is nowhere near being butterfingers

his guitar skills rock the world

but you see butterfingers are also fancy and afternoon tea biscuits

jisoo being a cute little victorian lord in an anime 

:”)

our boy joshua being dusted with a sprinkling of sugar and put down on a napkin with jam biscuit!jeonghan

but also i like using butterfingers as fangs

except

the fangs are huge and fat and i look like a dorky wannabe vampire

thats okay xd

does anyone remember that cut from ofd where shua was sucking the air out of that water bottle

he would stuff butterfingers in his mouth

this one did not do hong jisoo justice i apologise please spare me 

Woozi: Macaron 

these are the most delicious thing i have tasted

and also the sweetest

need to save up heaps to buy these

they’re super pricey

woozi is a high-class biscuit

also happens to be at the afternoon tea with jeonghan and joshua

except is not on the napkin

hes on a macaron stand by himself

normally keeps to himself

seems reserved

eating a macaron however 

is pure heaven on earth 

watching woozi is like watching a small child finally smile at you

a sense of satisfaction like

he deserves this happiness

macarons need a lot of time and care to make

partly why theyre really expensive

my mother tried to make them and didnt even bother making the cream she was so dead

woozi needs alot of time and care and love and adlksfjakls

he puts alot of time and care into his songs

you could say that all his songs are little macarons :’)

DK: Subway Cookie

these are so delicious help

i buy these for people’s birthdays

their faces light up like they’ve been given a ball of sunshine

dk is sunshine in human form

sometimes not even human

when i first got into the fandom i always thought dk was the super cool vocalist

like his voice gives me shivers

and subway cookies are crunchy on the outside

then i slipped more into the diamond life

dk is a goddamn derp sunflower

i cant believe how much storage his derp photos have taken up on my phone

soft and squishy on the inside

a delicious cookie

hes brings sunshine to this earth

blesses us with his smile

hand me a cup of matcha i want a subway cookie

you get addicted to these real fast tho

like how lee seokmin wrecks your bias list real fast

bye im going to watch some dk fancams

Seungkwan: Cookie Dough

ik this isnt actually a cookie shshshh

hear me out

thanks again peachmochii <3

cookie dough is really hard in the fridge

like it does not budge 

kwan seems really sassy and cool and diva and tough

main vocal with a touch of boonon

his “who’s your mama” fancam 

our boo is growing up

help 

hes wrecking my bias list

then you take the dough out the fridge

and divaboo becomes

“i’m a proud mummy’s boyyy”

he loves his mum so much it makes me cry

and he really is soft for everyone

while you make the cookies out of the dough however

i like making little derp figures 

like playdough

DONT TELL ME THAT SEUNGKWAN DOESNT MAKE YOU LAUGH WITH HIS CHILDISH ACTIONS

“yOOoOOooo lAdiEZZZ”

my favourite meme

[consciousowl]

Why Smart People Believe Conspiracy Theories

You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.

~ President Abraham Lincoln

Recently, I cultivated friendships with several people I both admire and genuinely like. They are intelligent, well-educated and spiritual. These are not all aging men in their 50’s who have nothing better to do. To the contrary, they lead busy, productive lives. What they have in common is a deep conviction about conspiracy theories. Things have gotten out of hand. We can no longer trust the media, our elected representatives, large corporations, financial institutions or even our religious leaders. There is a Deep State from which President Eisenhower once warned us, impervious to the political process, who are in no way accountable to the public. I wonder how they reached that conclusion. Certainly, one has to question the continuing wiki leaks, the revelations of Edward Snowden, President George W. Bush’ handling of 9/11 and President Obama’s persistent waging of undeclared wars, using drones to bomb women and children. Yet why give carte blanche to wild conspiracy theories that disempower us all? The bottom line is that smart people believe conspiracy theories because the mainstream media are no longer credible.

How Mainstream Media Inspire Conspiracy Theories

If you track the ownership of newspapers, TV stations and book publishers, you will find that, in the last couple decades, there has been a mass consolidation. Just think of Time Warner merging with Turner. Then the acquisition of both by AT&T. If you look at the major book publishers, they have multiple labels, each with their own editorial staff. We are only talking a half-dozen megacompanies. Supposedly, they all have autonomy. But will the editorial board release any book incriminating to their parent companies? Likewise, the TV networks and newspapers, mostly online. During the Gulf War, President George H. Bush sold the media on censorship to enable a rapid end to the War. I remember watching on CNN the same loop dropping smart bombs on Kuwait day after day. The war did soon come to an end, but self-censorship became the norm.

How Alternative Media Fill the Conspiracy Gap

It used to be you would have a few wacky newspapers and magazines like the National Enquirer to entertain you. Nobody seemed to mind, as you didn’t see too many liable suits. Nobody really took those publications all that seriously. However, as the narrative of the broadcast media became increasingly repetitive, where journalists on one network did virtual lip synch with those of another, people began actively seeking other sources. With the emergence of Google, YouTube, Facebook and the various social networks, they didn’t have to look far. You could connect with people you didn’t even know and trade perspectives. Even though you usually had to give your real name, your contact information was under your control. You could echo and elaborate on the most fantastic stories, such as politicians and stars being modern day vampires with the blood of innocent children. You didn’t have to answer to an editor or producer. Facebook would throw you out only with the most flagrant abuses.

How Conspiracy Theories Get You Off the Hook

Conspiracy theories all share one thing in common, whether entailing shapeshifting aliens, the Deep State or the Super Rich (Less than one percent of us controls the wealth of at least 80% of humanity.). Someone, something or some group “out there” is doing you in. You didn’t ask for it. They concocted a malicious plot specifically to undermine you and your world.

Whenever you hear the question, “Who done it?”, or hear the statement, “THEY did ______ to _________,” you need to start asking questions. Isn’t it possible that “little old you” had something to do with it all? Did these public villains just spring out of nowhere to harass you? Do they have nothing better to do than make your life miserable? The more you agree with and entertain conspiracy theories, the less you need ever confront your own shadow. You can limit other people’s expectations of you by playing villain. If you can convince them to buy your theory, all the better. The last person to be suspect is you. After all, you came up with the theory, didn’t you?

How Far Out You Can Go with Conspiracy Theories

If you want to take a serious look at the possibilities, you may want to play the videos or read the books of David Icke, who has been at it several decades. Although David never finished high school, he is extremely bright and creative. With flashes of inspiration, he came up with the greatest synthesis of all. When you probe the Illuminati, and the endless reports of UFO’s, you can develop a Grand Conspiracy theory. Given the world is undergoing rapid change (just thinks of the impact of the Internet) every single institution in society is undergoing transformation: government, military, education, corporations and churches. You can look at this as a sustained collaboration toward a Satanic One World Government with mind control that makes George Orwell’s classic, 1984, look like child’s play. The President is in on it, the Pope, the Corporate Heads, the CIA and most certainly the Rothschild’s. Why try to fight it? The whole world is against you.

How to Take Back Your Power

As President Lincoln reminded us, you can’t fool ALL the people ALL the time. It is extremely difficult to pull off a conspiracy among even a handful of people. It becomes highly problematical when it is interagency, intergovernmental and interinstitutional. Somebody, somewhere is going to make a goof and blow the cover. You could step forward and demonstrate real courage. All these happenings occur within YOUR space. YOU are the one witnessing them. Not the guy or gal next to you. This is YOUR life. You just might have something to do with where you are. You could choose it the way it is, and then work from there. You could remember that you are inherently divine, that “He Who is within you is far greater than he who is in the world.” You have the power to wage love on the earth. That is what Buddha, Christ, Saint Francis, Gandhi and Martin Luther King were all about. You can choose to love your enemy until you literally have no more enemies. How to get started? It starts with the prayer of blessing. Since you are divine, you have the power to bless another. As you bless, they prosper, as you curse the wither. When you consistently bless the problem people in your life, even President Trump, or most especially, President Trump, your life and your world will undergo transformation. Only YOU can choose love over fear. We are all… all over the world, working for you, watching you become the hero and heroine you were meant to be.

The post Why Smart People Believe Conspiracy Theories appeared first on ConsciousOwl.com.

[nickshares]

you’re the best

and im sorry that all of this happened. but i cant emphasize enough that this isn’t your fault. honestly none of this is your fault. sure there can be some moments when i really do wish you could have something differently. but baby honestly those are few and far in between. trust me on that please!

(trust is a word that im going to be using a lot in this post so get used to it. cool.)

i know i told you all of this on the phone but its always nice to have it written down as a reference. plus, writing makes me feel better about everything. no no no. im not being all emotional and sensitive right now. you know why im not like that? because no reason to. honestly, every time i have acted that way, i didnt need to.

let explain:

when i look back at all the times when i would get emotional over something, i would always use the same excuse. that excuse that “oh its just because i love you so much and i dont want anything bad to happen.” but like why would i even think like that? why couldn’t i just put the same faith in you that you had in me. i dont think that you’re not emotional. i really dont think that at all. the thing is that you show emotion when you need to and when its necessary. you don’t need to create unnecessary commotion, bc its exactly that, unnecessary. sophia i admire that so much about you. i want to actually be more like you in that sense. you’re so down to earth and, like i said before, that part of you is just so admirable! 

here is basically my thought process in a nutshell: 

(you gotta forgive me in advance bc just writing this is really embarrassing and im like ahh why am i like this but this is what goes on) 

like i said before, we never feel like anything is wrong when we are with each other bc i dont even bother acting like that when you are with me. im so preoccupied with admiring your presence and your beauty and everything else about you that its really just not worth when we are together in person. but i’ve noticed that it only gets this way when we are away from each other. and i saw it in your eyes and in your expressions that the thing you feared was that this was this was how it would be if you accepted me back. you feared that things would forever stay this way. and when you said that you dont know what went wrong and you dont know how to fix it and you dont know if it could be fixed, well you had every reason to say that. at that time i played the victim when i totally shouldnt have. sure on the surface, that sounded crude and harsh. but when i dove deeper into it, i couldnt avoid how im at fault for mostly all of this. the reason im at fault is bc i would always put the blame on you. whether i was joking or not that was not cool of me. at all.

i cant even imagine what i must put you through. im act so sensitive over things that have no business being reacted that way. like today, i wish i would have realized this sooner, sooner as in the second you told me that you didn't love me as much. a statement like that is too radical to have been said for no reason at all. there was absolutely a reason, you just didnt know of it. i did. but i was to prideful to admit it. you weren’t loving me the same bc i wasn’t allowing you to. i wasn’t acting my normal self. i wasn’t being me. i wasn’t loving you with that pure love that brought us both unbreakable happiness. i think it was just bc i was scared. but the thing is. i shouldnt have been. i think this all started, like i said, with that first arguemnt that we had. i just felt so hurt at that moment and i was scared that you wouldn’t love me the same. and its funny bc that’s exactly how you were feeling to. now trust me, i know with my entire heart that its so easy to love you the same. im sure of it. the reason im so certain is bc i did. when you and i together, sophia you make the world stop spinning. all that i could think about is you and my whole world is about you. but i wouldn’t allow that to carry over whenever we weren’t together. that was the only thing that was different. whenever you’d leave, id always put you into situations that would force you to convince me that you still did love me the same. but i did that constantly, and that was my issue all along. its funny. i would ask you to put your pride aside and just wanted you to apologize when really you had nothing you should have apologized for. in reality, it should have been me. i should have been doing i that i was asking of you.

today was just the day where i took you to your breaking point. you know? i don’t blame you at all for that sophia. please don’t feel sorry that you felt that way. oh i understand what you mean by its not easy loving me sometimes. i was offended at first but i really shouldn’t have been like at all. i thought that “oh wow how could she say that about me as if i could change that about me” but sophia its so simple. the key to that is literally just trust. its not that i didnt trust you before, its that i didnt trust you enough. i act like i have no reason to trust you when really, cmon i have every reason to trust you. you have yet to give me a reason not to trust you. i want to say i dont know why i would act like that but i think i have an idea. like ive said before, everyone likes to have assurance. i cant thank you enough for blessing me with unbelievable loyalty and astonishing love. sure i received some assurance when i would test your promises or when i would put you in those situations– like being difficult on the phone or over text or pretending to leave or anything stupid like that– but that wasn’t really any type of assurance either of us could benefit from. the thing with this approach is that it was the most imminent. i knew immediately that you loved me. it was the most demanding way however, and i could tell by looking back now that it was a lot that i put you through.

you know that drake (ew) line where he says that “you know that if you wasn’t you, you would be dissing you.” well that fits me so perfectly its unreal. if you acted the way ive been acting towards you recently, i have no doubt in my mind that i wouldn’t have loved you the same, as well. i would have gotten annoyed and frustrated with every little thing you did, just as you did with me. the only thing is, i would have reached my breaking point a whole lot sooner. i commend you, actually no, i applaud you for literally dealing with me for this long. 

you made the right decision in telling me you felt that way, but i just made wrong decision in choosing to react that way. i could honestly say that i overreacted. and i was too embarrassed to admit it. i knew what the problem was; ive been acting really female. but i was just to embarrassed to tell you that that was the case. so i did everything in my power to avoid admitting that to you. doing so only made a bigger mess for myself and for the both of us. instead of playing the victim, i should have just admitted that i was the problem but i had too much pride to admit it. pride is seriously gonna be the death of me and me and me and me and me and me.

im serious pride is such an ugly thing to posses. i had a lot of it. pride is a terrible thing to own bc it makes you feel like you're infallible and that nothing is ever your fault. but that’s never the case. there is always something you could have done differently that could potentially make things easier for everyone. 

this is where you come out of play for a second and it became more of an internal conflict. i was so used to having things my way that i didn't know how to change it. i felt lost and clueless about how to make things better. i was actually doubting that it would be possible, just as you were doing. i did know this, i knew for a fact that i wanted things to get better. you were right when you said that flowers dont make everything better (you were wrong tho if you for a second thought that it would stop me.) 

this is going to sound really strange, but i didn't know what else to do but ask God for help. i always mask God with the universe whenever i talk about that with you bc i guess im just too embarrassed to mention that to you; of course it was bc i had too much pride. 

it was hard at first actually, i didnt want to “pray to God” bc i just felt too embarrassed, you know? i was thinking, on the off chance that there even was a God, i didnt want approach him out of nowhere and ask for help over something so stupid. but i was really desperate bc like i said, i knew i wanted you so much i was willing to do anything.

all i could think about was this video.

click on that above and you’re gonna see what i think saved me. i was just inspired i guess so i just talked to him. nothing too over the top. nothing too out of hand. all i asked was for us, as a couple, to realize what we are failing to realize and for us to just be happy. you kissed me goodbye which made me so incredibly happy but after that i didnt really think much of it 

until i went home. and ill be damned. 

now im not trying to make you a believer or anything but im just going to be honest with my personal experience. i dont know what religion is right. i dont know God’s name or what form he comes in. i dont even really know how to talk to him that well but i dont think it even matters. i just believe there has got to be a higher power. someone or something that has a purpose for everything and everyone. someone or something who knows why we’re here and what is going to come after we’re gone. someone or something that put you and i on this earth together for a reason. someone or something that i should thank. and someone or something that i could ask for help when things seem helpless. thats just how i feel. i dont know how you feel about that but thats between you and him. all i want to say is that you should talk to him too.

i know you’ve probably forgotten all that i’ve told you by now but thats okay bc im going to give you a short and sweet recap:

I’m sorry 

None of this is you’re fault

Please forgive me 

I’m still keeping my promise

No more games 

My pride is aside

Things will get better, I promise 

You’re still the love of my life

You should talk to him

Please marry me

Thank you 

I love you 

I hope that this only makes our love grow stronger and that this is just another chapter in our relationship, one which will last a life time.

Nick

June 16, 2017