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nickshares · 7 years ago

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you’re the best

and im sorry that all of this happened. but i cant emphasize enough that this isn’t your fault. honestly none of this is your fault. sure there can be some moments when i really do wish you could have something differently. but baby honestly those are few and far in between. trust me on that please!

(trust is a word that im going to be using a lot in this post so get used to it. cool.)

i know i told you all of this on the phone but its always nice to have it written down as a reference. plus, writing makes me feel better about everything. no no no. im not being all emotional and sensitive right now. you know why im not like that? because no reason to. honestly, every time i have acted that way, i didnt need to.

let explain:

when i look back at all the times when i would get emotional over something, i would always use the same excuse. that excuse that “oh its just because i love you so much and i dont want anything bad to happen.” but like why would i even think like that? why couldn’t i just put the same faith in you that you had in me. i dont think that you’re not emotional. i really dont think that at all. the thing is that you show emotion when you need to and when its necessary. you don’t need to create unnecessary commotion, bc its exactly that, unnecessary. sophia i admire that so much about you. i want to actually be more like you in that sense. you’re so down to earth and, like i said before, that part of you is just so admirable!

here is basically my thought process in a nutshell:

(you gotta forgive me in advance bc just writing this is really embarrassing and im like ahh why am i like this but this is what goes on)

like i said before, we never feel like anything is wrong when we are with each other bc i dont even bother acting like that when you are with me. im so preoccupied with admiring your presence and your beauty and everything else about you that its really just not worth when we are together in person. but i’ve noticed that it only gets this way when we are away from each other. and i saw it in your eyes and in your expressions that the thing you feared was that this was this was how it would be if you accepted me back. you feared that things would forever stay this way. and when you said that you dont know what went wrong and you dont know how to fix it and you dont know if it could be fixed, well you had every reason to say that. at that time i played the victim when i totally shouldnt have. sure on the surface, that sounded crude and harsh. but when i dove deeper into it, i couldnt avoid how im at fault for mostly all of this. the reason im at fault is bc i would always put the blame on you. whether i was joking or not that was not cool of me. at all.

i cant even imagine what i must put you through. im act so sensitive over things that have no business being reacted that way. like today, i wish i would have realized this sooner, sooner as in the second you told me that you didn't love me as much. a statement like that is too radical to have been said for no reason at all. there was absolutely a reason, you just didnt know of it. i did. but i was to prideful to admit it. you weren’t loving me the same bc i wasn’t allowing you to. i wasn’t acting my normal self. i wasn’t being me. i wasn’t loving you with that pure love that brought us both unbreakable happiness. i think it was just bc i was scared. but the thing is. i shouldnt have been. i think this all started, like i said, with that first arguemnt that we had. i just felt so hurt at that moment and i was scared that you wouldn’t love me the same. and its funny bc that’s exactly how you were feeling to. now trust me, i know with my entire heart that its so easy to love you the same. im sure of it. the reason im so certain is bc i did. when you and i together, sophia you make the world stop spinning. all that i could think about is you and my whole world is about you. but i wouldn’t allow that to carry over whenever we weren’t together. that was the only thing that was different. whenever you’d leave, id always put you into situations that would force you to convince me that you still did love me the same. but i did that constantly, and that was my issue all along. its funny. i would ask you to put your pride aside and just wanted you to apologize when really you had nothing you should have apologized for. in reality, it should have been me. i should have been doing i that i was asking of you.

today was just the day where i took you to your breaking point. you know? i don’t blame you at all for that sophia. please don’t feel sorry that you felt that way. oh i understand what you mean by its not easy loving me sometimes. i was offended at first but i really shouldn’t have been like at all. i thought that “oh wow how could she say that about me as if i could change that about me” but sophia its so simple. the key to that is literally just trust. its not that i didnt trust you before, its that i didnt trust you enough. i act like i have no reason to trust you when really, cmon i have every reason to trust you. you have yet to give me a reason not to trust you. i want to say i dont know why i would act like that but i think i have an idea. like ive said before, everyone likes to have assurance. i cant thank you enough for blessing me with unbelievable loyalty and astonishing love. sure i received some assurance when i would test your promises or when i would put you in those situations– like being difficult on the phone or over text or pretending to leave or anything stupid like that– but that wasn’t really any type of assurance either of us could benefit from. the thing with this approach is that it was the most imminent. i knew immediately that you loved me. it was the most demanding way however, and i could tell by looking back now that it was a lot that i put you through.

you know that drake (ew) line where he says that “you know that if you wasn’t you, you would be dissing you.” well that fits me so perfectly its unreal. if you acted the way ive been acting towards you recently, i have no doubt in my mind that i wouldn’t have loved you the same, as well. i would have gotten annoyed and frustrated with every little thing you did, just as you did with me. the only thing is, i would have reached my breaking point a whole lot sooner. i commend you, actually no, i applaud you for literally dealing with me for this long.

you made the right decision in telling me you felt that way, but i just made wrong decision in choosing to react that way. i could honestly say that i overreacted. and i was too embarrassed to admit it. i knew what the problem was; ive been acting really female. but i was just to embarrassed to tell you that that was the case. so i did everything in my power to avoid admitting that to you. doing so only made a bigger mess for myself and for the both of us. instead of playing the victim, i should have just admitted that i was the problem but i had too much pride to admit it. pride is seriously gonna be the death of me and me and me and me and me and me.

im serious pride is such an ugly thing to posses. i had a lot of it. pride is a terrible thing to own bc it makes you feel like you're infallible and that nothing is ever your fault. but that’s never the case. there is always something you could have done differently that could potentially make things easier for everyone.

this is where you come out of play for a second and it became more of an internal conflict. i was so used to having things my way that i didn't know how to change it. i felt lost and clueless about how to make things better. i was actually doubting that it would be possible, just as you were doing. i did know this, i knew for a fact that i wanted things to get better. you were right when you said that flowers dont make everything better (you were wrong tho if you for a second thought that it would stop me.)

this is going to sound really strange, but i didn't know what else to do but ask God for help. i always mask God with the universe whenever i talk about that with you bc i guess im just too embarrassed to mention that to you; of course it was bc i had too much pride.

it was hard at first actually, i didnt want to “pray to God” bc i just felt too embarrassed, you know? i was thinking, on the off chance that there even was a God, i didnt want approach him out of nowhere and ask for help over something so stupid. but i was really desperate bc like i said, i knew i wanted you so much i was willing to do anything.

all i could think about was this video.

click on that above and you’re gonna see what i think saved me. i was just inspired i guess so i just talked to him. nothing too over the top. nothing too out of hand. all i asked was for us, as a couple, to realize what we are failing to realize and for us to just be happy. you kissed me goodbye which made me so incredibly happy but after that i didnt really think much of it

until i went home. and ill be damned.

now im not trying to make you a believer or anything but im just going to be honest with my personal experience. i dont know what religion is right. i dont know God’s name or what form he comes in. i dont even really know how to talk to him that well but i dont think it even matters. i just believe there has got to be a higher power. someone or something that has a purpose for everything and everyone. someone or something who knows why we’re here and what is going to come after we’re gone. someone or something that put you and i on this earth together for a reason. someone or something that i should thank. and someone or something that i could ask for help when things seem helpless. thats just how i feel. i dont know how you feel about that but thats between you and him. all i want to say is that you should talk to him too.

i know you’ve probably forgotten all that i’ve told you by now but thats okay bc im going to give you a short and sweet recap:

I’m sorry

None of this is you’re fault

Please forgive me

I’m still keeping my promise

No more games

My pride is aside

Things will get better, I promise

You’re still the love of my life

You should talk to him

Please marry me

Thank you

I love you

I hope that this only makes our love grow stronger and that this is just another chapter in our relationship, one which will last a life time.

Nick

June 16, 2017

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nickshares · 7 years ago

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we’re going to be more than okay

wthe things that we’re going through right now aren’t going to change anything about my love for you. when we’re at our highs, it feels like we’re unstoppable. like nothing in this world could ever bring us down.

this week hasn’t been the greatest of weeks. you and i could both agree upon that. i hope we could also agree that it isn’t going to keep us from loving each other to the fullest.

speaking for myself. this week has only driven my love for you to permeate far beyond its previous boundaries. anyone could love each other when times are at their best but we manage to stick though it when the opposite is true as well.

just, for a second, see what i saw: it wasn’t a matter of trust for me. you know you have my absolute trust in each and every decision you make. but i’m always (and i mean always) am going to be worried about my crown jewel. i told you this many times already but i’ve never valued anything more than i value you. you’re worth more than anything i could ever own. you are worth waiting for. you are worth living for. i would do anything, absolutely anything to make sure i get to keep your heart every day. anyone who cares about you is going to worry for you. you can see that in me or your mom, or anyone who really wants to see you reach your potential happiness and not fall short because completely preventable predicaments. you’re blind if you can’t see how much you are loved.

now i want you to seriously challenge your beliefs: do you really think I don’t trust you? or are just afraid to make that commitment to me? i’ve never seen you drunk or high but do you honestly think that I would want to see you at that stage? you worry when i drive home on an empty road at night but can you seriously expect me not to worry about that? of course sophia. i have to. especially since its a huge change from what we both have become accustomed to.

you trusted me at disneyland gradnight. when everyone there was completely sober, i was in touch with you and i was surrounded by your best friends who we would have let you know if something was up either way.

what it wasn’t at grad night. what if it was somewhere else. with people you’ve never met and don’t know you exist. what if they were beyond the point of rationality? what if you were no longer in contact with me and anything i did you would have no way of finding out? would you still trust me?

of course you would.

but what if i was drinking too? can you tell me that you wouldn’t be worried about me?

yes. of course because you know that i would never even put myself in that environment. as much as you trust me, it would make you uncomfortable. i know it would. i know without a doubt it would. i know what makes you uncomfortable and what things don’t sit right with you. that’s why it’s rare that you see me doing them. you don’t even have to ask because i don’t even let it get to that point. it’s just not worth it. not when i have you. not when you’re worth a million times more.

i’m not going to lie to you sophia, i wish you just wouldn’t. but at this point my feelings about that are indifferent to you because you have you’re mind pretty much set and you seem determined that you bound to do take that path. i have 2 options left. luckily for you, one of them is out of the question. i could either simply just break up with you. that’s what would happen if i didn’t trust you. i would know that you are just going to fall victim to all my biggest fears but i would also know that i wouldn’t have to worry about your well-being. i wouldn’t have to worry about you at all.

but i made you that promise sophia. i’m going to trust you because you made me that promise back. we have no other option but to trust each other because that’s really all that we have. i’m putting everything i have into this, but baby don’t you ever for a second wish that i wouldn’t. i wan’t you until forever.

i’m not about to risk not having you forever. just the idea that we’re soulmates has me feeling some kind of way. like just think, what if our love outlives our bodies? the fact that just the thought of that with you tells you something about yourself. you ask me to be more selfish, well i don’t know anything more selfish than that. i want you to be mine and only mine until time no longer exists.

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