#but seriously i am rooting (platonically) for your success

[evilasiangenius]

tag by @kirkypet:

#okay but what if they’re Australian?

The person who reblogged this from you is rooting for your success.

[meetmeatthecoda]

It’s bonkers how Liz and Ressler can literally have sex and then still be on a last name basis with each other. Even Red calls her Elizabeth lmao. But seriously, if K—nler is endgame, is this really the writers’ idea of romance? Barely any buildup, BOOM they have sex, then these awkward, forced ‘moments’ between them? *deep sigh* Idk, maybe I’m being harsh, but I guess I feel like the least they could do (if they won’t give us Lizzington) is give us something decent to watch. What are your thoughts/theories on this mess?

Hello, dear anon!! ❤️ Firstly, omg, I know!! All the “Hey, Keen.” and “What, Ressler?” is so intensely romantic 🙄🙄🙄 The thought of Red calling Liz just “Keen” is so laughable to me. As you so rightly say, he at least calls her by her full name, which is much more telling imo than any robotic surname crap. (Plus, he would never call her “Keen” bc it’s her fake name from her fake marriage to her fake husband, but I digress.) Regardless of whether it’s Lizzie or Elizabeth or Agent Keen, it still sounds like music coming out of Red’s mouth. Whether that music is a funeral march or a symphonic poem... well, it varies 😒

ANYWAY you make such a good point!! If we’re striving to be objective (which is a pretty unobtainable goal for me at this point), there is  n o t h i n g  inherently romantic about K**nler. I’m sorry, but to me - no matter which way you slice it - there’s been absolutely NO romantic coding with these two over SEVEN SEASONS, really only a handful of scenes together at all that mostly consist of “STOP! FBI!”, and very few personal/meaningful moments. And of those VERY FEW moments, they all appear to me as platonic/work friends/colleagues. And listen, I’ve always liked Ressler and Liz as BFFs. Liz always offered a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on about Audrey in the good ol’ days and Ressler did the same about T*m, plus I’ve always loved how Ressler offered to “rough him up” in that gruff, brotherly way. There was never any jealousy between them at their respective romantic partners, like there always is with those Will They/Won’t They ships. And I think pilot!Ressler hating Liz’s guts gradually morphing into them being best buds over the ensuing seasons is super cute. But it’s never screamed “romance” to me. There’s been no anticipation, no build-up, no close calls, no nothing. My prime ship example for that sort of thing is Caskett from Castle. They spent 4 seasons building those two up with plenty of close calls and jealousy keeping them apart for as long as they physically could before they finally came together with fireworks. There has been zero of that with K**nler. (Lizzington on the other hand? Yes. Not to mention all the Lizzington suggestions FROM RESSLER: ”Sounds like someone’s jealous Uncle Red’s got a new crush”, “You in the dog house or something?” - but I’m slipping into my Lizzington googles, so I’ll stop there.) Not to mention I’ve never really liked Ressler as a character. Sorry, no shade to Diego, but it’s not exactly a dynamic character. And TPTB have a marvelous reputation of tabling characters until their designated plot lines and episodes, with no measurable growth or continuity in between, so it always feels forced to me. To just throw a long forgotten character - whose only role in the past 11 episodes has been driving around and answering phone calls to catch the weekly blacklister - in my face once a season and say, “LOOK, WE THOUGHT OF SOMETHING FOR THIS DUDE, REMEMBER HE CAN TALK?!” and expecting me to feel invested is wildly unrealistic imo.

In conclusion, anon, I don’t think you’re being harsh at all, rest assured that I have been much harsher in tags, DMs, and especially my own head about this so-called “romance”. I think you’re definitely correct that they could at least give us something decent to watch with time, a true romantic build-up, and a satisfying culmination. I mean, I know this is primarily an FBI-mystery-mythology-government-action-procedural-show but... AS SOMEONE ONCE RIGHTLY SAID, “I think it’s a love story.” and babe? ..... this ain’t it. I’m sorry, Lizzington remains the only pairing on this show that has had a veritable phone book of romantic tropes written for them, including - but certainly not limited to - tense undercover operations, dancing, jealousy at other partners, killing for each other, actual DECLARATIONS of LOVE,  T H E  L I S T  G O E S  O N, not to mention I’m of the steadfast opinion that they were the initial endgame for the show, and that’s a hill I am prepared to die on. I HAVE and WILL go down with this doomed ship until the end of my days. Amen.

As for my thoughts/theories on this mess, I am flattered that you’re interested enough to ask, and I think I probably gave you way more than you bargained for in the ^above^ rage!typing 😂 The only things I would venture to add are: 1) K**nler is a barely a ship by my admittedly high standards and, if it is indeed intended to be The Great Romance™ of the show, TPTB did a piss poor job of making it AT ALL satisfying 2) The current “plot line” is an inconsistently written, infuriating, OOC across the board, “twists” pulled out of a hat, PIECE OF CRAP mess, and I’m so over it and 3) I have genuinely no idea how they plan on digging themselves out of the sizable RED VS. LIZ hole CRATER they’ve dug themselves into and, if they plan on having even a mildly successful season 9, they had better claw their way out soon bc, by all accounts, pretty much nobody likes pathetically-evil!Liz and most are rooting for heart-of-gold-&-incredibly-sympathetic!Red in every single way. Sooooo... idk. I’m really bored by the whole RuSsIaN oPeRaTiVe arc and I wish we could fast-forward to the season finale to see if they plan on making any effort at all to improve the core relationship of the show, or if they have indeed given Liz up to mannequin-man and revenge-filled-rage-induced-mentally-unstable-out-of-left-field-evil-Kaplan-hallucinations and Red over to simply sad-lonely-romantic-tired-puppy-dog-who-deserves-better.

At any rate, thank you dearly for this ask, anon, it turns out I had a lot of negative feelings (surprise, surprise) that needed an outlet and I hope it wasn’t too painful to slog through!! Feel free to send another/more asks to keep the commiserating going!! I have dearly missed asks in what’s left of this fandom, but my ask box is still open!! 🥰 I will continue writing fic and shipping Lizzington pretty much in AU now as, unfortunately, that seems the healthiest and only remaining option 🥲 Much love to you!! ❤️❤️❤️

[bondsmagii]

2, 8, 26, 37, 38, 57, 72, 91, 94, 100

> questions to ask at 4:02am meme 🌕🌃

thank you! 

2: Do you mourn for a place or person you’ve never known?

yes 😩 I can’t even adequately describe what’s going on here, but there’s a lot of people and a lot of places that feel familiar even if I don’t know them, if that makes sense? and there’s also a lot of people I could have become, and a lot of places I could have been, and I do have moments where I kind of mourn them even though I have no proof that they would have even existed in that specific way. I do think this is normal to an extent, but also I do this a lot, lol.

on a slightly less philosophical level, I of course mourn my older brother, who’s quite literally a person I never got the chance to know.

8: Do you think you can put love into categories (family, platonic, romantic, etc.) or is it just one general sensation?

oh man definitely. the love you feel for your friends isn’t the same love you feel for your spouse or your parents, and so on and so forth. there’s lots of different kinds of love, and lots of different levels within those types, and you’re also more than capable of feeling several different types and levels towards the same person, in my opinion. I don’t know if I would try and categorise everything, because something like love doesn’t really suit being shoved into boxes, but there are different types of love and I find it’s constantly shifting and changing along with you and the object of your love, which is cool.

I should add that I don’t find any one type of love more or less important than the others. seriously, destroy the idea that romantic love is the One True Love, and all other forms are somehow lesser. that’s just garbage.

26: What’s the most life-changing choice you’ve made so far?

this is kind of embarrassing but the truth often is: almost eight years ago I decided to make a sideblog on here that has... something to do with writing, let’s say, and something to do with... a certain character... and anyway that decision led to me meeting a certain person and going from awkward messages on Tumblr to awkward messages on Skype, to eighteen hour conversations and constant texting, to living in a car together for three months on a roadtrip and then living in a car together for many more months while homeless (and a million other places in between), to moving in together and then holy shit we got married.

so I guess that one impulsive decision to make a shitpost sideblog at stupid o’clock in the morning when I was bored one summer has been the single most life-changing choice I’ve ever made.

37: Do opposites attract?

eh. I mean, yeah, sometimes? but similarities attract, too. I think for any kind of relationship to be successful you’ve kind of got to have an element of both, and I think that “opposites” usually refers to something very specific. for example, I don’t mind cleaning the bathroom and you hate it. that’s a useful kind of opposite, because it means a compromise neither of us feel cheated by. you’re unshakable when it comes to slogging through bureaucratic minutiae, and I’m a beast in high-stress quick-thinking scenarios. together we make a pretty unstoppable team, for being opposites in that regard. I think that’s kind of what’s meant by this saying, but unfortunately it seems to have been appropriated to mean “yes honey, I know you work 10 hour shifts and come home to find your partner hasn’t cleaned the house or done anything to help, but opposites attract!” or “my partner supports Trump and genuinely believes that vaccines and masks are a government conspiracy to control us all, and I am a normal human being, but opposites attract so I guess I’ll have to put up with it”. like no, kings and queens. that isn’t what it means. dump them.

38: Is your life what you expected it would be five years ago?

lmao no. not in the slightest. five years ago it would have been... just into 2016, and yeah, no. there is not a single thing about me right now that I would have predicted, aside from the general stuff that’s never changed about me. I had different ideas about what I would be doing for work, about what I’d be working towards; I had completely different levels of commitment and discipline to various tasks, and I certainly wasn’t planning an international move. I can at least say that I’m happier with my current plan than the one I used to have (it wasn’t a bad plan, it just no longer suits me) but there’s no way I would have expected this.

and of course, there’s the whole issue with the pandemic. five years ago I had no idea I would be living through a global natural disaster, and if you’d told me, I would have thought it would be something like a supervolcano eruption or a nuclear winter. like, I’m glad it’s not, but also “you have to stay in your house for over a year” still kind of sucks.

57: Do you thinks humans are obsessed with escapism (books, video games, movies, etc.)? Are you looking for an escape? Do you think that’s a bad thing?

I think we are sometimes, when things are tough and there’s a need to wish to escape (see how many books I read over quarantine in March, for example). most of the time, however, I think humans just like stories. I don’t think it’s any deeper than the fact that humans love stories, we’ve always loved stories, we’ve always loved telling and hearing stories, before we had books and archives we passed our stories down orally and we drew them on cave walls with our own fingers, and this love for the story has never changed or altered in the hundreds of thousands of years since. I think that’s the major driving force here.

right now I’m looking for an escape 24/7, because I’m sick to death of the real world. I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all. without books, without the fictional things I love, without reading and writing and music, I would have gone absolutely bonkers in 2020. being able to fall into a book or play around in the worlds I’ve created, both my own and things I’ve co-written with you, has literally saved my ass over the past eight months. escapism is never a bad thing. like anything, it only becomes troubling when it starts creating problems. but I do not think there’s any shame in occasionally saying “fuck it” and going to worry about someone else’s fictional problems for a while. 

72: Should people be prosecuted for crimes that weren’t considered crimes at the time?

this is a tough one. on the one hand I want to say no, because it could easily be abused. some asshole could get into power and make something illegal, and then round up all the people who have committed that now-crime and lock them up, and oh, would you look at that! all the people who have committed the now-crime just so happen to be the dictator’s biggest critics and threats, how convenient. 

at the same time, dictators are going to wipe out their enemies no matter how legal it is, and I also have to consider the fact that before WWII, for example, words like “genocide” and “crimes against humanity” didn’t exist. how could we decide that these things are crimes, but then not try those who literally gave cause for the crime to be acknowledged? we can hardly say “alright, genocide is now a crime against humanity, but because these guys did it before this was law they can’t be tried”. that’s just... not really a great precedent to set, you know?

so I suppose a tentative yes? I think it would probably depend entirely on the severity of the crime. for example, if they found out that... I don’t know, some normal everyday substance was something that people could suddenly get high off, and they declared it a drug, I don’t think everyone who’s ever sold it or used it should be rounded up and jailed. but like, if the act of cannibalism itself became a crime (and not just murder or desecration of a corpse, which is what “cannibalism” usually falls under in terms of legality) we should probably go round up all the people who are stealing human legs to eat, yanno?

91: Is hate as strong as love? Who do you hate?

sick totheark reference bro. anyway yeah, hate is as strong as love, though it appears and reacts in different ways. hate and love are two sides of the same coin, if you ask me. the deeper you love somebody, the harder you hate them if things go wrong. hate is betrayed love. something something, a tree’s branches cannot reach to heaven unless its roots reach to hell, and all that. something so powerful is going to leave a lot of damage if it goes wrong.

I hate a few people. I don’t want to go into detail as to their specific identities, because I’m sure that if you know me well, you’ll know who they are. both of them were people whom I loved very deeply, and who betrayed that love in ferociously cruel ways. both people taught me very difficult lessons about the nature of love, and how sometimes it really cannot conquer everything, but while this would be a nasty lesson to learn it’s compounded by the fact that I learned this not out of any kind of extraneous circumstance, but rather through their cruelty and their refusal to work with me, listen to me, or love me in the way I deserved to be loved. my hatred for these people will never go away, even though it certainly doesn’t dominate my life. it is there, though, and I can easily draw on it whenever I need it. should I get the opportunity, I have no doubt in my mind that I have the capacity to be very cruel to these people in my own right, and I won’t feel bad about it.

94: How would you describe yourself when you love? Do you love forcefully, unconditionally, gently, quietly, desperately?

oh damn. forcefully, conditionally, stubbornly, and probably slightly possessively.

I don’t show love in conventional means. I’m one of those stereotypes, I guess. I don’t like declarations of love, I don’t really go in for physical affection, and I’m not sappy at all. my love language is more subtle, but it’s there. I like to do things for people, I like to create things for/with people, I like to have adventures with people. that’s how I love, and I can be pretty forceful about it. I also want people to improve themselves as much as possible -- I think the greatest thing I can witness someone I love doing is becoming the best version of themselves, and I will support them 100% in this effort -- also very forcefully. I don’t think there are many people who could put up with that level of intensity for so long, if I’m honest. I demand a lot of the ones I love, but I also like to think I give a lot, too.

my love is never unconditional. while I believe unconditional love exists, I have never seen it. my love always comes with conditions -- conditions about how I expect to be treated, about ideology, about worldview. these are all huge deal breakers, of course -- my conditions aren’t vague, or petty, or small in any way. but there is nobody on earth, nor will there ever be, who I will not walk away from if I feel the relationship is harmful in any way. I might not stop loving them, but I sure as hell will not assume that my love for them will protect me from them.

at the same time I’m a very stubborn person when it comes to love. people will do things they think must break one of my conditions, but I’ll see something else in it and I’ll stick around even if we both think it’s useless. I’m never wrong, so I suppose I have that going for me. but I am very, very stubborn when it comes to love. I have a high level of endurance and I know how to nurture love; how to stop pessimism from setting in. I’m also slightly possessive, so I don’t let go of anything easily -- and this includes the people I love. I’ll never stifle a person, but I’ll definitely fight for them, and something something everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.

100: What belief do you have that isn’t logically grounded, but you still firmly believe in?

I suppose something like this could never be logically grounded because there’s no logical proof at all, and “I Just Know” is apparently not a scientific argument (it should be), but I know I’ve had past lives. I just do. I have no solid proof for this, only gut feelings and Just Knowing and weird memories and some crazy shit that I can’t explain -- like being able to find my way around a strange city because I remembered it from a past life, for example -- but I just know I’ve had many different lives before and I will have many more to come. this is just an unshakable belief and it always has been.

[painandpleasure86]

It’s a Hard Life (Entry for Binky’s DTIYS)

A/N: Hello ppl! Again writing... I had a writer block until today :( But here I am. Writing something for the @binkyisonline ‘s DTIYS! I made a fic with her unicorn John. The ending it’s open, so, if this haves success, I could continue a little more the story. You with your support decides! ;) Was an interesting experience write something with an humanoid.

Summary: A young human-unicorn lives in an enchanted woods and it’s about to meet with a young artist that also loves exploring.

Warnings: none. Some swear words, but a few.

Pairing: Platonic Deacury (for now)

Word count: +1500

Permanent taglist: @warriorteam1924 @toomuchlove-willkillyou @deakysgurl

If you want to be in the tag list, just tell me! ;)

(John’s POV)

Everyone looks at me as something strange, something beautiful. They think that because I'm the way I am, I'm somewhat innocent. I'm not. I know the dangers of the world. I know people's thoughts. Everyone wants to ride me.

I'm an abomination. They didn't make me 100% animal or 100% human. Sometimes I take the form of a human with brown hair, long and wavy, six feet tall, very thin, gray eyes... But with one detail: my horn never goes away. Do you see why I say I am an abomination? I think whoever created me wanted to have fun at my expense. Thank you...

It seems not, but my life it's very difficult . I have no place to go, and no one who really loves me. No ulterior motives. I wander the woods, eating what I can, sleeping where I can. I try to do it in my animal way, because being in my human way, people usually get scared. It's not just the horn, but also the fact that I have nothing to cover me. But why do I usually say? Some maids want to possess me. Also some gentlemen. Don't they think I have feelings? I'm not someone who whores or someone who wants to be intimate with the first person who comes across me. Everyone wants me for convenience. Or at least, everyone I've met. Sometimes I fantasize about meeting someone who cares for me, loves me and respects me as I deserve. But it seems like it's something that will only live in my head...

By the way, where are my manners... My name is John. Or at least that's what I've chosen to call myself. I don't know how old I am, but in my human form I look like someone who's barely 21.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

(Freddie’s POV)

I love walking around these parts. I always find something beautiful, something strange, something worth documenting. It's full of wonders.

Today I wander through an enchanted forest, where a being lives that leaves me speechless. He is a young man who is barely over 20 years old, with long brown hair, tall, thin... Whenever he sees me close enough, he runs away from me. He usually looks at me with a frightened face, even when I ask him if I can come closer. "Get away from me. I don't want you to use me for your pleasures," he told me last time. Like every time. I don't know why he thinks I want to possess him, although I cannot deny his immense beauty and that his lack of clothes makes him even more tempting. I just want to know him better. To ask him why, even though he looks so human, he keeps that horn.

By the way, my name is Frederick. I'm 26 years old. I'm the son of a very important nobleman in my kingdom. My father wants me to get married, I'd rather be like this. I prefer to spend weeks exploring the world around me and making sketches in my notebook of the most curious things I can find. I don't want to deal with any of those serious things. I want to enjoy life. Marrying a maid for family arrangements is a bit of a letdown. It would ruin my life and the life of the poor woman they put next to me. They'd ask me for children. I don't want to. It would take time away from my enjoyment. But then, my father doesn't want to understand my decision. He prefers to say that I'm the disgrace of the family. Being the oldest of four brothers has its drawbacks.

When I'm not exploring, I spend my time painting pictures. I take my sketchbook and make one of them on the canvas. I paint over everything I come across, including that mysterious young man with long hair. Lately it's just that young man with long hair...

I think I've seen it. Or at least I've distinguished his horn. I'll go slowly, so I don't scare him. God, I feel like a stal-...

SHIT. IT HURTS.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

(John’s POV)

I was very quiet walking around, since I didn't see anyone around, when suddenly I heard something. It was a noise of something falling on a pile of leaves. My curiosity is stronger than that. I walk up and see a human being collapsed. He tripped over a protruding tree root. I don't usually get this close to a human in my human form, but I think I'll make an exception today.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Yes, I just tr- Oh it's YOU!"

I got a little out of the way. I won't let him down, but don't let him harass me.

"Yes, it's me. I saw you lying there and I wanted to help you up. I may be an abomination, but I have feelings."

"Why abomination? You're unique. You're a wonder."

That sincerity in his words. That feeling... I couldn't help but I blushed.

"You're nice, but you know I can turn into a unicorn, right? And when I become human, I don't lose my horn. No one will ever take me seriously."

"Hey, why do you say that? Love is for everyone." responded him, smiling.

(Are you hitting on me, stranger?)

"Ha, really? Then why do you only want to have sex with me? Everyone sees me with a fucking object. I love walking around like this, with nothing, but they mistake it for seduction or being available for fantasy. That's why I prefer to be here alone, because I can be free."

I don't even know why I took it out on him so hard. Maybe because the others I've met I can't talk to them like that.

"Well... I'll help you to stand up," I said, trying to get back to what had gone before.

I leaned back so that he would rest his left arm on my shoulders, I took it from his waist. Slowly, we stood up.

Looking at his face, I ask him, "Can you walk?"

"I think. At least help me ride my horse. Too much exploring for today."

I rode with him for a mile. We went along the "road." He didn't want to attract attention.

"By the way, I'm John," I said, as we walked.

"I finally know your name... I'm Frederick."

"You seem like a nice guy. I see you have a notebook with you. Are you drawing me? Hahaha."

Blushing a little, he answers me.

"Not just you, John. But anything I see that catches my eye. I'm a painter."

"So I'm your muse," I add.

"Yes, lately you're my only muse. I can only paint you."

He blushes too much.

I don't know, but I feel very good with this young man.

---------------

After several minutes of silence, we found his horse.

"Shall I help you to ride your horse?"

"No, John, I can handle it. Thank you for what you've done for me today." Already on his horse, he adds, "Until the next time, John. I hope you don't walk away from me like you always do."

"I will not. Promise. Take care of yourself."

Little smile on his face.

"I will. You take care too."

I smiled at him.

His horse came out at a full gallop. And I thought to myself... Have I found what I've always been looking for? No, it's too fast to make sure of that. But the truth is that I met the first human who wants to talk to me. And that's an enough reason to smile.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Freddie’s POV

I went to the nearest inn to get some rest before comeback to home. Eating a little, I can't stop thinking about that young man. John. I don't know why he's so disregarded. He seems to be a very kind, affectionate being; as well as beautiful on the outside. I could enjoy his company forever. It was only a few minutes this time, but it was beautiful. They were like being in paradise. I would love to bring him to my palace, to live with me. But my father would still call me the family disgrace, as well as crazy. And gay. Yes, I am. But my father doesn't understand happiness. He only wants to keep alliances with other lords. Aren't my other brothers and sister enough for you, Father?

Well, at least I have my mother on my side. She knows how I like to live and she understands, even if she doesn't like it. If my father hasn't thrown me out of the house, it's because of her.

Well, stop rambling. I think it's time to go to sleep. I'm tired. I know in my dreams, he will be. That beautiful, divine creature. I don't know what the paths of life will be like, but I hope they'll allow us to continue to cross...

---------------------

If you like this, please reblog! It helps me a lot! :3 <3 And if you want more of this au, please tell me! ;)

Cheers, Lily.

[jadorehale]

just dudes being bros

I found this deeeeep within my computer folders. I remember writing it in 2016 while the anime was airing and then not liking it but I just did a quick read and ehh it's not the worst thing I've ever written {ao3}

Figure Skating News: Five-time world champion coach, Victor Nikiforov, and protégée, Katsuki Yuuri, share friendly congratulations peck at Cup of China.

The Daily Mail: 7 Things You Need to Know About Victor Nikiforov and Yuuri Katsuki’s Gold Medal Friendship!

People Magazine: Spotted: Victor Nikiforov & Yuuri Katsuki snuggling closely on ‘bros date’ at Barcelona’s most romantic restaurant!

ESPN: Yuuri Katsuki chimes in on why relationship with world-famous coach, Victor Nikiforov, has been a success! “Victor and I make love multiple times a day,” the figure skater says. These two seem to be the best of friends!

❄

“How come it doesn’t bother you that the international media is still portraying our relationship as platonic? Do you even care?”

“No. Not really.”

“But they’re refusing to take our relationship seriously!”

“So?”

“And all those weird pictures they print of us making out, they keep calling them ‘friendly embraces.’”

“Well, our mouths are great friends at this point.”

“Victor!” Yuuri whined with a pout.

“Yuuuuuri!” Victor sang back, grinning.

While it was true that Yuuri was most adorable when he was angry and riled up, Victor sure wished that Yuuri would put all that fire into preparing for his competition instead of looking up pointless crap to get upset about on his phone. Today was the day of Grand Prix Final free skate and no one knew more than Victor how badly Yuuri wanted that gold medal. As his coach, Victor’s sole focus was on making sure Yuuri’s body was one-hundred percent ready for his program. Which was why he really needed Yuuri to focus on stretching and warming up.

However, as a boyfriend, it really irritated Victor to see Yuuri concerning himself with the silly tabloids that were being written about them. Victor had no idea what Yuuri wanted him to say about the issue or if he was just seeking out validation for his indignation. In truth, Victor didn’t give a crap. If you’d asked him a year ago if he’d ever imagined him and Yuuri becoming an item, he would’ve said no. He’d never dreamed he could be so lucky to be in a relationship with Yuuri, who he’d been head over heels for since the night they first met. So, it was quite difficult for him to care about any negative things people had to say.

“But aren’t you the one who loves attention?” Yuuri stressed. “If the press caught wind of how it really is between the two of us, it would be a media frenzy!”

“Well, short of Phichit Chulanont, the paparazzi are the second best photographers in the world.”

He grabbed the phone from Yuuri’s hand and scrolled through the article until he stopped on a photo of the two of them leaving their hotel, fingers laced together as they shielded their eyes from the sea of flashing cameras.

He held the photo out to Yuuri and said, “Look, how cute! We should have it framed!”

Since he was about to skate, Yuuri didn’t have his glasses on and had to squint to view the photo clearly. When he finally did see the shot that Victor had been raving about, his face fell and he sent Victor a flat look. “Victor, you’re the only one that looks good in this picture.”

“Exactly!” Victor beamed. Someone should’ve told Yuuri that he had a big, fat booger hanging from his nose and spinach in his teeth before he’d been photographed. That person probably should’ve been Victor. But Victor always managed to look like a model in candids, flashing the crowd his signature wink as he casually flipped his hair. “Who knew there’d be such talent in a group of professional camera-holding stalkers.”

Along with his now ritualistic pre-game cry and cuddle session, Yuuri had developed an unhealthy habit of googling nasty things being said about him on the internet to get revved up. For anyone else, this action would seem conceited and egotistical. But for Yuuri, seeing how much people hated him and were attacking him for stealing Victor from the sport online made him even more determined to succeed and show the world that only he could satisfy Victor. It was ridiculous, and absurd, and Victor would be putting an end to it once the Grand Prix Finals were over. However, he wasn’t about to halt anything that could potentially help Yuuri in his fight for gold. But, Yuuri had read enough offensive, anonymous, cyber-bullying comments for one day.

Victor tossed the phone over his shoulder without bothering to see where it landed and ignored Yuuri’s outraged cries. He got a firm grip of Yuuri’s knees and drew them down toward his chest, stretching out his hamstrings.

“My phone screen had better not be cracked!”

“Uspokoit'sya! Don’t worry. You have an Otterbox case. They’re indestructible.” Victor glanced back and saw that a crowd of people were now trampling over the phone, kicking it along as they went but felt no dire urge to chase after it. “No more news headlines,” he told Yuuri sternly. “We need you in the zone for your free skate. Now, give me fifty sit-ups.”

Groaning loudly, Yuuri did as he was told, exercising his abdominal muscles as Victor anchored his feet. It was amazing how far Yuuri had come under his tutelage. Not that Yuuri needed Victor in the first place. He had more than enough potential and talent to do this all on his own. For Victor, it was an honor to watch Yuuri flourish into such an impressive skater. This was the most fun Victor had ever had in his career. Far more enthralling than his own successes. He lived to surprise the masses, and if there was anyone that could shock the world with such a strong comeback after placing dead last the previous year, it was Katsuki Yuuri.

“Twenty more, little piggy,” Victor instructed, proud when Yuuri continued without complaining.

On his last one, he leaned forward and crashed his lips against Victor’s which was a very welcomed surprised. Victor hummed when the kiss turned bold, parting his lips as Yuuri’s tongue licked obscenely into his mouth. Positive reinforcement was important to Victor as a coach and Yuuri deserved a reward for his good behavior.

He’d almost forgotten they were in public until he heard, “Look mommy! Those boys are in love!”

Pulling away, Victor turned and saw a little girl gawking at them with wide eyes and pointing a chubby little finger in their direction. She couldn’t have been more than four-years-old and was so darn cute that Victor was seriously contemplating kidnapping her. She tugged on her mom’s skirt, demanding her attention, and pointed again for her mother to see when Victor closed the distance and placed a soft kiss on Yuuri’s cheek.

“Honey! Haven’t I told you it’s so rude to point!” Her mother quickly swatted her hand down, blushing from severe embarrassment as she began to explain, “They’re not in love. It’s just a good luck kiss between coach and skater. It happens all the time. No way notorious playboy Victor Nikiforov is off the market.”

Victor didn’t need to see Yuuri’s face to know that his expression had darkened. He already knew Yuuri wouldn’t take kindly to that sort of remark and that he’d be furious. The media was always spreading falsehoods. Victor was not a notorious playboy. He was very much the monogamous sort.

The woman looked over at them, cheeks a bright red as she waved. “We’re rooting for you, Katsuki Yuuri! Longtime fan, Mr. Nikiforov. Can I just say that you’re so much sexier in person! Hope to see you back next season!”

She fluttered her lashes seductively and blew him a kiss before flouncing off with her daughter, not at all aware of the damage she’d just wrought. The little girl was still wide-eyed as she was dragged away. It seemed like she hadn’t believed a word her mother had said. Smart girl. Her young curiosity made him smile, reminding him of how he once was as a child. All those long, long, long, long years ago...

With a deep sigh, he turned back to Yuuri, already flinching as he caught the hard set of Yuuri’s jaw and the burning rage behind his eyes. He failed to hide his amused smirk and earned himself an impressive lethal glare.

“Jealous?” he asked.

“You know damn well I am!” Yuuri scowled and hopped up onto his feet.

He turned his back to Victor and continued warming up, running back and forth. His shoulders were tense as he jogged and he was muttering to himself bitterly. Victor moved closer to listen, trying to decipher just what was being said.

“So, it’s not just news reporters, then,” Yuuri was grumbling to himself. “It’s the general public as well. Is it that hard for people to believe that Victor and I are in love? That Victor would want to be in a relationship with me? I need to remember that the outside world only gets to see his good looks and it is I who gets to see the true beauty of his heart. It’s his love shining through that has helped me improve the most. We have something special and amazing and if people can’t see our love then I’ll just have to make them feel it by winning the gold medal!”

“Awwwwwww!!” Victor gushed. Yuuri was seriously the cutest. He just had to hop on top of him and squeeze and hug him tight. “What an adorable internal monologue. Tell me, is this how you always talk in your head?”

“Get. Off. Me!” Yuuri picked himself up from the floor and brushed himself off.  

Victor frowned, pressing a lip to his finger as he tried to figure out how to get back into Yuuri’s good graces. No one would think from just looking at him that Yuuri was such a high-maintenance partner. A part of him loved that Yuuri was a huge drama queen, quick to get jealous over Victor and feel the need to stake his claim. But another part of him couldn’t stand the thought of Yuuri being upset or insecure.

The petulant glower on Yuuri’s face didn’t look like it would be going away anytime soon, which wasn’t ideal in this specific circumstance. The judges definitely wouldn’t find it as cute as Victor did. He was preparing to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness when Yuuri grabbed him by his very expensive tie and yanked him down to his level.

For a moment, Victor thought Yuuri had only pulled him this close so he could clobber him, but like always, Yuuri took the unexpected route. Which naturally made it impossible for Victor to predict what he was thinking as he began sucking a large bruise on the side of Victor’s neck.

Just as abruptly as Yuuri had grabbed him and reeled him in, he curtly let him go. His face flushed as he avoided Victor’s eyes and stammered, “T—There. That way no one else will be throwing themselves at you. They’ll know you’re mine.”

Victor couldn’t help being extremely delighted by this display and his brain quickly devised a plan. “Hmm, I really don’t think just one will do…You should put one over here too.”

Feigning innocence, he pointed at another spot on his neck, arching so Yuuri could mark there.

“How about here! And here! Oh, there’s good too! Also, here! Da, there too

“Jesus Christ, Victor!” A voice cried. A voice whose owner was just so happened to be flamboyantly Swiss.

“What’s happened to your neck?! Don’t tell me this is some kind of career-ending injury,” Chris gasped. “I don’t think I can make it through another competition season without you.”

“They’re love bites!” Victor presented proudly, showing off the fresh marks littered across his skin. “From my Yuuri.”

He noticed Yuuri trying to slink away and flee the scene of the crime. But before he could go far, Victor locked an arm around his waist and hauled him back to his side. That way Yuuri would have to own up to his work. What he’d done to Victor’s neck was nothing short of a masterpiece. He’d truly left his signature.

Victor turned back to Chris, elaborating, “See, my Yuuri’s very upset that the media isn’t taking our romance seriously.”

“Ah, yes! I’m afraid they’ve done the same thing with my bisexual Bernese Mountain dog, Hans,” Chris commiserated, pulling out his phone and showing them an article on his pooch written by The Inquisitor. “Completely erased his sexuality to fit into some toxic heteronormative box. I showed him a picture of Maccachin and he was absolutely smitten! We should get them together and see if they hit it off. That way, we can be…”

“IN-LAWS!!” Victor shrieked at the same time Chris did.

They squealed excitedly, jumping up and down as they chattered away about wedding plans. They discussed where Hans and Maccachin would vacation on their honeymoon. Victor had heard Fiji was lovely this time of year and Maccachin, the groom-to-be just adored laying out on the beach. He was a real beach bum with expensive tastes and only enjoyed the finest cuisines. He was a lot like his owner in that way.

In the midst of his conversation with Chris, Victor noticed Yuuri from the corner of his eye, slumping and staring down at the floor.

“Oh, Yuuri, don’t think too much into the media thing,” Chris said, reaching out and pinching Yuuri’s left butt cheek. A trick that was very effective in removing that sad, dejected expression from Yuuri’s face, replacing it with scandalized one. “News reporters can be so oblivious sometimes. Only seeing what they want to see. Every skater here knows how in love the two of you are. You’ve got tons of teenage girls on social media ‘shipping’ you. They’ve named you…Victuuri!”

“Victuuri? Eh!! Why does Victor’s name get to go first?!”

“Because I’m the one that fell in love first!”

“Please, not that again,” Yuuri sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Don’t start that argument here before I have to skate. I already told you, I’m sorry I didn’t remember that night!”

“You completely wounded my pride!” Victor harrumphed. “I can’t believe you don’t remember our dancing!”

Chris snickered then declared, “Maybe it’s good that the media doesn’t take you guys seriously. The world already hates you for hogging Victor as your coach. Men and women everywhere will hate you even more if they find out you’ve stolen his heart as well. You’re a very selfish man, Katsuki Yuuri. Adieu!”

With one last ‘good luck’ pinch to Yuuri’s exquisite rump, Chris sauntered off, rejoining his coach and the rest of his entourage. Which left Victor and Yuuri to return to stringently readying Yuuri to take the ice. Sure, it might seem like they were going a little overboard but they were both aware of how important it was for Yuuri to nail every jump in his routine and execute his presentation perfectly.

On the outside, Victor exuded nothing but positive energy and optimism, but on the inside, he was a nervous wreck. He worried that Yakov might be right. That he wouldn’t be able to pull off this massive victory his first time as a coach. It would kill him if, for some unfortunate reason, they missed the podium. Victor didn’t want to lose the opportunity to pair skate with Yuuri at his gala exhibition. And poor Yuuri; what would become of his spirit if he failed? Obviously, Victor wasn’t going to let that happen, but what if it did. He refused to let Yuuri take any of the blame. He’d take full responsibility as his coach.

Victor watched Yuuri silently lacing up his skates, not liking how solemn and morose he was so close to his free skate. It was often difficult for Victor to get into Yuuri’s head and figure out what was going on with him. Which was a telling sign that he was a terrible coach. After all, this was it! Potentially Yuuri’s last performance before he retired from figure-skating. Though, if Victor had his way, Yuuri would never retire. Still, it made sense that Yuuri would be in such a mood being on the brink of making history.

“Have I really stolen your heart?”

Victor’s head snapped up sharply. “…What does that mean?”

One day in the future, Victor hoped Yuuri would stop asking him such provoking questions. Even though they both spoke fluent English—their best common language—Victor planned on purchasing Rosetta Stone. That way he could learn Japanese and finally understand Yuuri. It was evident that he wasn’t speaking English well enough. Not with the way Yuuri was constantly doubting his love.

Yuuri’s voice was barely a whisper as he fiddled with his thumbs, not looking up. “I mean, will I get to keep it forever?”

“Of course.”

Victor wasn’t remotely surprised when Yuuri huffed and rolled his eyes. “How do you know?”

Victor shrugged. “I just do.”

“But how?!”

Exasperated, Victor placed a hand on his hip. “What’s gotten into you? Why the sudden mood swing? Is it the news outlets? Because them not acknowledging that we’re together doesn’t mean anything. Listen to me and not them! I refuse to live without you. I won’t stand for it.”

“But what if after I retire, I let myself go and gain a ton of weight? Or what if we lose our romantic spark and you get bored of me? There’s nothing exciting to keep you here. What if in a couple of years, you wake up and realize this was a huge mistake? I’m a terrible nag and at the same time a giant hypocrite. I’m messy and horrible at cleaning up after myself. What if all we do is fight and bicker and you start to hate me? I majorly lack self-confidence. What if that starts to annoy you too? Me always doubting myself can be a hassle. Hell, I’m doubting myself right now!”

Victor opened and closed his mouth a few times, gaping like a fish. Yuuri had some nerve trying to convince him to stop loving him. He stepped forward and leaned his forehead against Yuuri’s, cupping his cheek. “I think you already know nothing you come up with will change how I feel about you. Am I right?”

“But—” Yuuri protested.

“Nothing,” Victor repeated firmly.

Yuuri peered into his eyes for a moment longer, eventually giving up and sagging his shoulders. “I believe you.”

Yuuri inched closer, his long lashes fluttering closed as he went to give Victor a kiss. But before their lips could meet, Victor stopped and asked, “What about me?”

“Hmm?” Yuuri blinked multiple times when he opened his eyes.

“Will you always love me?”

“Of course!” Yuuri snorted, waving it off as an unserious question then tried to kiss Victor again.

Victor evaded his lips. “Even when all my hair turns gray?”

“Er…um…” Yuuri squirmed uncomfortably, distress in his eyes as he fumbled for the right words. “How— How do I say this? All your hair is already…um…gray...er…silver…?”

“What?!?” Victor cried, his mouth falling open as he reached up and tentatively touched his hair like he was noticing this for the first time. He kept the act up for a couple of seconds before throwing his head back and laughed at how scared Yuuri looked, then dodged a punch to the arm when Yuuri realized he was being insincere.

“I’m just kidding,” Victor snickered, “And my hair is platinum, not gray. But on the subject of getting older, my mother’s side is prone to male pattern baldness. What if the thin spot on the top of my head gets bigger and all my hair falls out? Or what if I don’t age as well as I’m expected to and forget to use under eye cream at night and develop crow’s feet? What if I have to get Botox, or worse, a full facial reconstruction! Will you love me with a new face? What about my fashion sense? What if I lose that too and start walking around in mix-matched patterns and socks with sandals? Will you still love me if I walked around in socks and sandals? What if, Yuuri!!”

“Wow,” Yuuri commented as Victor panted, needing a minute to catch his breath after his rant. “All your concerns are very superficial.”

“Comfort me, Yuuri!” Victor wailed and threw himself into Yuuri’s arms, sighing contently as they immediately wrapped him up securely. Victor buried his face into the side of Yuuri’s neck, feeling at home with the first inhale of Yuuri’s fruity cologne. Never had he felt so safe from the dangers that were inevitable aging.

Yuuri chuckled, pressing a light kiss to Victor’s temple and whispered, “You’ve changed my whole life, Victor. Of course, I’ll be here till the end with you.”

“D’awwwwwww!”

A chorus of cooing echoed from all around them. Victor and Yuuri both jumped at the racket and discovered that not only was everybody leering at them, they were also shamelessly eavesdropping.

“Our wedding vows are going to be so much better than theirs, right babe?” JJ boasted, slinging an arm over his fiancé’s shoulder.

With the exception of JJ and an absent Yurio, the rest of the crowd was in tears. In fact, if Victor hadn’t known any better, he would’ve thought this was a funeral. A box of tissues was being passed around as people sobbed and blubbered, some even crying their mascara off. Most notably amongst the mourners was Otabek Altin. He was the last person Victor would’ve expected to be moved by such an overt demonstration of eternal love. Mainly, because he was Yurio’s new friend and to apply for the job, one must already have their cold dead heart locked in a steel volt in the Himalayas and be committed to hating everything.

Naturally, JJ saw this as an opportunity to plug his new project. “The ghostwriter who wrote my book, Ice Jewel—which comes out January 20th, so stop by your nearest Chapters to pick up a copy or pre-order online—will come up with something a lot less cliché and contrived. Right babe?”

“Shh!!” His fiancé slapped a hand over his mouth, “That was the most romantic thing I’ve ever witnessed. I want to die!”

Victor quickly stepped back from Yuuri and tried to laugh the moment off but was sweating too profusely to be convincing. Yuuri’s face was getting redder by the second and looked like it was about to combust. This was not how they wanted their competitors to see them. They were supposed to be exhibiting that they were at the top of their game, ready to take the world by storm and crush everything in sight. Or at least that’s what Yakov had always taught him to do.

“It’s almost time for you to skate, little piggy. So, get back to work,” Victor decreed. “This is a direct order from your coach. Not your handsome doting lover who spoils you rotten. I won’t have any slackers!”

Who was he kidding? He never acted like a real coach before, so why start now?

Yuuri grimaced. “It’s so embarrassing when you say that word.”

“What word?” Victor asked then scoffed, “Lover? How else would you like me to describe it? No wonder the media doesn’t think we’re together. This world is way too sexually repressed!”

"Yeah, yeah,” Yuuri said, no longer paying him any mind. “Now, just where did you throw my phone?”

So maybe it was a little mean of Victor to let Yuuri search for his phone all on his own knowing that Yuuri wasn’t wearing his glasses. But it was just so funny watching Yuuri bumbling around, eyes scrunched up as they uselessly inspected the floor. Eventually, Yuuri located the phone after two failed attempts, picking up a discarded coke can and an empty water bottle at first. It was impressive that even though the phone had traveled long and far there wasn’t a single ounce of damage, thanks to the case. Victor should totally see if he could get Yuuri an Otterbox sponsorship. After all, sex sells and he knew Yuuri would be able to sell a ton of phone cases with an evocative television ad.

A wild idea suddenly sparked in his mind. One he knew Yuuri definitely wasn’t going to like. Still, this idea had Victor pulling out his own phone and opening his camera app. He snapped a picture with a flash just as Yuuri was bending down to pick something up.

“Eh?! Victor” Yuuri swiveled around and rushed back over to him. “W-What are you doing?!”

“Posting a picture of your juicy bottom on my Instagram.”

“Why?!”

“Because I’d like the world to see how nice and juicy it is.”

“Victor!” Yuuri whined and made a grab for the phone.

“Yuuuuuri!” Victor sang back and kept it out of reach. “Look, I’ve written a risqué caption full of Eros! Maybe the media will see this picture and a news story will break about our insatiable lust for one another?”

“Give it to me right now!” Yuuri grounded out through his teeth and held out his hand.

Thinking it wasn’t worth the spat, Victor handed it over. He expected Yuuri to take the phone and delete the picture immediately, but instead, Yuuri’s fingers began tapping quickly on the screen as his face burned up.

He thrusted the phone back into Victor’s hand and averted his eyes. Victor glanced at it and saw that not only had Yuuri posted the picture, he’d written an even sexier caption that almost blew Victor off his feet and made his nose bleed.

“It’s such a shame that no one would believe me if I told them how you lord over me in bed.” Victor shook his head in amazement. “Bossy, confident, sex torturer, Katsuki Yuuri? Not with how innocent you act in public. No one will believe how mean to me you really are.”

A glint flashed in Yuuri’s eyes as his gaze trailed him up and down. “Oh, you have it so wrong. I think I’m very, very nice to you in bed. Especially when I—”

Once again, it felt like the whole world was listening in, and sure enough, when they looked up they saw everyone staring like they were tuning into a television show. They were rather shameless about it too. Didn’t even have the decency to look remorseful or pretend like they hadn’t been invading people’s very private moments.

It was lucky that they’d caught themselves before they got any more explicit. With Yurio present in the audience, things had to be kept PG-13. He was looking between them now with his big, innocent blue eyes, his brows furrowed in confusion.

“When you what?” he asked Yuuri who was turning very, very red. “Eat pork cutlet bowls?”

Everyone around them who knew better nodded in affirmative, but JJ, of course, had never really been too bright. “I think he meant—”

Thankfully, his fiancée was there to jab an elbow into his gut and cut him off before he could go into detail. Realizing his mistake, he nodded his head along with everyone else and that seemed to satisfy Yurio who just shrugged and walked away with Otabek.

When he was gone, Yuuri groaned and thumped his head against Victor’s chest, his face still hot with shame. “That was unbelievably embarrassing,” he said. “Let’s focus on the competition now and the celebration later. And let’s stop giving these vultures something to eavesdrop on.”

“Da,” Victor chuckled as Yuuri glared at all in their vicinity.

It was time anyway for Yuuri’s skate. They were as prepared as they could be and now was Yuuri’s chance to show his stuff. He pressed a kiss to Yuuri’s cheek and lead him towards the rink. Yuuri’s grip on his hand was like a vice. He was obviously nervous. Victor knew by now that nothing he said could make Yuuri lose those nerves, but he hoped Yuuri would be strong and wouldn’t let them overtake him.

“Even if I don’t win—” Yuuri started, but Victor wasn’t going to let him go any farther with that statement.

“You will win.”

“No, just let me finish.” Yuuri laughed, shaking his head. “Even if I don’t win, thank you for always taking care of me.”

Victor melted into a smile and opened his arms to wrap Yuuri up in a tight hug. He held on for as many squeezes as he could before Yuuri was asked to take the ice then clasped his hand with Yuuri’s and kissed his ring, wishing him luck.

“Well, go on. Show them how much I love you,” Victor said and Yuuri nodded with determination.

He knew something amazing was going to happen today. He just knew. Whether it be Yuuri winning the gold or breaking a world record or even… saying yes to spending the rest of his life with Victor, it was going to be a historical day.

Victor fiddled with the secret velvet box hidden deep within his pocket. His heart thundered in his chest as the music began to play; the happiness and pride overwhelming as he watched Yuuri wield his magic over the crowd.

❄

Morooka: Welcome back, everyone. We just witnessed a beautiful performance by Katsuki Yuuri. One that is bound to make him a top contender in today’s competition and displayed an excellent comeback after his loss last season.

Stéphane: Yes, it was simply magnifique! A perfect performance that shows the true power between this first-time coach and skater duo.

Morooka: Let’s flash over to the kiss and cry to see their scores.

Stéphane: Katsuki Yuuri looks nervous. I don’t know why. No one can doubt that that performance will score high.

Morooka: And he’s broken the world record! In case you’re just tuning in, Katsuki Yuuri has just scored a 221.58 today with his free program. The audience is just going wild.

Stéphane: And what’s this! Victor Nikiforov just got down on one knee and presented Katsuki Yuuri with a ring. What a wonderful congratulations gift from a coach to his skater.

Morooka: I think that’s why their dynamic works so well, Stéphane. Victor is such a caring and rewarding coach.

Stéphane: Let’s see if we can hear what’s going on down there. Ha! It sounds like funny guy Victor there just asked Katsuki Yuuri to marry him and Katsuki Yuuri said yes. There were rumors that Yuuri might be retiring but maybe after this symbol of sheer commitment Victor has displayed today, he might reconsider coming back for another season.

Morooka: As you know, these two have exchanged partnership rings in the past. They have a very close professional relationship. You can tell by how they’re kissing now on the lips.

Stéphane: Yes, such a friendly embrace! I see Victor’s getting a little cheeky there slipping in some tongue.

Morooka: We’ve got some reactions here from twitter. One user says ‘They’re gay, you dumbasses.’ Another says, ‘I can’t wait for Victor and Yuuri’s wedding. You can tell that they’re super in love with each other.’ What do you make of that Stéphane?

Stéphane: Impossible! I see no signs of romance here! Look at how they’re rolling on the floor kissing now. It’s nothing but a coach and skater being excited about a fantastic score.

Morooka: I agree with you, of course, Stéphane. Victor’s done such a great job coaching for the first time. These twitter fans must be seeing something that isn’t there.

Stéphane: Absolument! There’s no way notorious playboy Victor Nikiforov would ever be taken off the market.”

Morooka: You’re right, of course. No way indeed.

[princegastronome]

The Pseudoscience of Summerhill Pyramid Winery

A few days ago, I wrote and posted a review of Summerhill Pyramid Winery in Southern Kelowna.  They posted a rebuttal, so I am compiling the exchange here.

First, to talking points of the actual review of Summerhill Pyramid and their restaurant, Sunset Bistro.

The man behind Summerhill, Stephen Cipe—considering himself a spiritual visionary at "Canada's most visited winery”—attributes the winery’s success to the unique process of utilizing the sacred geometry of their signature pyramid, designed as a perfect scaled replica of the larger one in Giza, to instill their wine with the same positive essense naturally occurring in all life forms.  Lacking any ferrous components and placed to face True North, this platonic solid rests on a region devoid of interference energy and is placed on dirt compacted to 100%.  This results in the pyramid acting as an interface between positive and negative space-time, a bridge between matter and anti-matter, and becoming the gate through which two realities meet and interact.  This is related to Einstein’s theory of relativity, specifically his predictions on the existence tachyons (faster-than-light particles).  Time and space are distorted within the pyramid and would most likely explain how the builders of the great pyramids in Egypt were able to employ negative space-time to levitate huge stones and build the pyramids in the first place.  And somehow this also make wine taste better.

This is an example of data mining pseudoscientific sources and combining them with numerology and astrology along with long debunked theories that serious science left behind a very long time ago in hopes of selling overpriced alcoholic beverages already fighting dubious claims about their benefits.  Here’s the uncomplicated truth about humans, we evolved as pattern recognition machines, finding answers in chaos.  Our desperation to explain everything when we knew almost nothing gave rise to the mythologies of antiquity.  Summerhill attempts to weave confirmation bias, ignorance, and good old-fashioned quackery into a soup of utter nonsense to justify their business.  

You don’t even have to search long to find verified evidence debunking every single point made on Summerhill’s website.  The data they “cite” isn’t even accurate—they list dimensions of the Giza pyramid to justify numerology, but then list incorrect numbers.  There’s no doubt the pyramids at Egypt, and other locations are amazing historical monuments.  And the designers were intelligent in constructing them.  But they didn’t employ magic—they used their brains to solve problems.  They are tombs to narcissistic despots, and anything more than that is just a plot point in Stargate.

Summerhill is bonkers, and not the adorable crazy like Perry in The Fisher King.  I’m talking homeopathy, dowsing, phrenology, Pythagoras bonkers.

I’m serious; Pythagoras was crazy, flat out nuts.  He was afraid of beans, hated the square root of two, and had a guy killed over a disagreement about a triangle.  So best avoid that lest you start believing in sacred geometries, ley-lines, or astrology, basically everything in the Rifts role-playing game.

As for Sunset Bistro...

I admire restaurants that pull ingredients from their neighborhoods, and Sunset Bistro claims theirs are sourced from their own biodynamic gardens and wildlife preserves, another concept worthy of…wait, what?  

What was that?  

“Biodynamic”?  

I must admit not hearing that one before.  I had better do some—DARN IT!  It’s more pseudoscience! Using planetary locations and lunar cycles to determine sowing cycles?  It quite literally uses magic.  

I’m trying my best to tolerate organic farming despite the overwhelming evidence pointing to its dangerous side-effects including nutrient leaching, soil conservation, and the massive increase in land use required to produce food over its safe GMO alternatives, substitutions credited for saving hundreds of millions of lives in regions cursed with overpopulation and untillable land.  But no, you’re right, don’t trust Norman Borlaug, the father of the Green Revolution; instead, embrace geomancy.  I can accomplish the same effect with a traditional organic farm and a deck of Magic: The Gathering cards.  

Seriously, folks, you have to read up on the field preparations for this lunacy...hmm…lunacy…madness brought on by the moon.  And before you start with the defense of biodynamics, remember they were invented by someone claiming to be a clairvoyant that taught that a disease may be part of a patient's "karma" and that interfering with said illness would be unwise because treating only the physical body would require the patient to compensate in a future life.    

And you must grind quartz crystal that’s buried in a cow horn through the summer to aid in plant growth.  

If I ever walk into the restaurant again, I’ll bellow at the top of my lungs, “When single shines the triple sun.  What was sundered and undone shall be whole.  The two made one by Gelfling hand or else by none!” before leaving.  If you got the Rifts joke, that one should be easy.  

They made good food.  I just wished they had sacrificed a goat to Demeter using the old ways in order to secure a higher quality crop.  Probably would have made the difference.

This morning, Summerhill’s founder replied.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Science is good and I applaud you for caring about truth. Narrative is also good. Science can tell us “how”, but can never answer the question “why”. There will always be a central mystery in life that we answer with story. Sacred geometry is a good story. It is a story about beauty, harmony and perfection in nature. We do not sermonize, and we never claim that our pyramid ‘makes wine taste better,’ only that it acts as a clarifier. There is a wonderful feeling in the pyramid chamber, which we invite all of our guests to experience. We honour our wine by cellaring it there. Summerhill has been awarded the trophy for Best Sparkling Wine at the IWSC in London, England, and another for Canadian Producer of the Year. We have also just been awarded the highest scoring wine at France’s 2017 Chardonnay du Monde competition with 750 entries from 38 countries. It is no accident that our wines are so often at the top of the podium. Is it the organic viticulture and winemaking? The time in the pyramid? Our team’s experience and expertise? In the end, the reason is the love that we put into everything that we do. I am sorry to read that you believe our love and care for the earth and our nurturing of the human spirit, imagination, and feeling of connectedness is ‘spiritually bankrupt’, as you term it. I invite you and welcome you with open arms to be with me at our model of man and nature. Come and walk around our biodynamic vineyard to experience the biodiversity and feel the living soil. Come in the pyramid with me and have a real experience. The precision chamber is a uniquely conducive place for meditation. We’ll drink good wine together and tell good stories. With love and gratitude, Stephen Cipes Founder/Proprietor, Summerhill Pyramid

And I responded.

Science is not just “good”, it’s mandatory to understanding the world. It’s the first step in personal enlightenment, and we are obligated not to ignore it.  It’s how we protect ourselves from false hope and charlatans.  The flaw in your reasoning is directly connected to your statement that “Science can tell us “how,” but can never answer the question “why”.”

Your statement is the impasse pseudoscientific believers subscribe to denounce how actual science works.  Yes, science can supply the “how” within a range of error to be acceptable by peer-reviewed sources.  That’s how it works.  It can also supply us with reliably predictable estimations to “when,” “who,” “where,” and positively “why,” and a “why” to many of the important questions.  Some remain, and always will.  The issue I have is that you’re supplying answers you could not possibly possess, and then manipulate scientific terms you don’t fully understand to make your page sound more scientific when it is nothing of the sort.  This is confirmation bias.  It is an insult to the scientific process to use those terms in your selling points.  

Yes, there are questions science cannot yet answer.  That’s how science works…people can turn to spirituality if they find gaps.  But ignorant people claim more gaps than there really are, and then possess the hubris to fill those gaps with answers lacking any evidence, or better, ones flying in the face of answers already discovered.  If it’s belief, then it remains belief, but I will not subscribe to bottling that belief and selling it as snake oil.  

When you attempt to employ scientific terminology and claim scientific methods, you’re insulting the actual scientific community.  Sacred solids, numerology, and astrology have no place in science.  And as for your biodynamic gardens, I’ve enough issues with the ignorance around organic farming, but then to professes a system developed by a self-proclaimed clairvoyant that taught that a disease might be part of a patient's "karma" and that interfering with said illness would be unwise because treating only the physical body would require the patient to compensate in a future life.  Grinding quartz in a cow horn and burying it to improve a harvest?  Utilizing lunar cycles?  

 If you wish to employ these practices, you are always free to do so, but the people—paying customers—deserve to know that nothing you boast is backed by scientific scrutiny.  There is no evidence that it works (and no, trophies don’t count).  It flies in the face of commons sense, and is considered pseudoscience by the scientific consensus.  The information is available out there, and I invite people to do their own research.

 I’ll keep people updated

(Pssst. By the way, I don’t think they noticed a pyramid is not a platonic solid)