#but right now? I would be INFINITELY happier if you two just got divorced

[bleetusmcyeetus]

If there’s anything my parents have taught me, it’s that if I get in a relationship in the future, I am 100% making sure pre-relationship that the partner will be chill if stuff breaks.

If I have to hear “Why does stuff always break when your mom uses it and not us?” or “I don’t think I can do this for the rest of my life…” one more time I’m gonna set something on fire

[crossdressingdeath]

Every so often I’ll come across a fic that has a summary that essentially reads: “after JFM brings WWX to Lotus Pier YZY takes JC to MeishanYu where he becomes the sect heir” and it always acts like this situation is a fix-it for the entire plot of the novel. And I was thinking about this premise over the past few days and realising just how little it makes sense. (I would like to clarify that I have not read any of the fics with this premise but that is because they all look to be written by JC stans and I decided a while ago that I wasn’t interested in anything like that. I would also like to say that I have only the vaguest understanding of Chinese culture so if something is glaring wrong in here I accept corrections.)

So. The logistics of the events coming to pass. The summaries imply that YZY left Lotus Pier with JC in tow, marched into her natal sect and without question JC was named sect heir and never had any problems ever.

Firstly: if YZY is such an amazing mother to take her son away from the ‘awful’ environment of Lotus Pier under JFM, why does she leave her daughter there? There never seems to be any mention of JYL also going to Meishan so this really just feels like YZY doesn’t actually care about anyone other than JC (in a similar way to the author not caring about anyone other than JC).

Secondly: the actual inheritance thing. As far as I can tell YZY and therefore JC are so far down the line of inheritance for the MeishanYu sect that it doesn’t actually matter. JFM calls YZY ‘Third Lady’ which based on my understanding means that she has two older sisters who would be the First and Second Ladies. In the line of succession her eldest sister would be first, then her children, then her second sister, that sister’s children, and then YZY and JC behind them (this isn’t even taking into account any older brothers she might have). I think I read somewhere that marriage order is based at least partially on age so we can assume that the two older sisters got married before YZY, and it wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume that the eldest child of the eldest daughter could be fifteen when JC is nine, so at the very least the eldest sister could have a child who is close to being of age (though I freely admit that I have little idea as to what is classed as ‘of age’ within this world) while the son YZY brings is a child who throws a tantrum over having his pets sent away for someone else’s mental health and being told he’s going to share a room.

(Sidenote: I know JFM has JC’s dogs sent away but for all we know they’re just taken out of Lotus Pier itself (as in the bit where the cultivators live). We know there’s a market area where non-cultivators live literally right outside so rather than sending three puppies miles away to other cities, couldn’t JFM have just found someone living outside of the cultivator’s part of Lotus Pier to give the dogs to? Wouldn’t that have been the easiest option? And one that could potentially allow JC to visit the dogs he was so upset about? Did he just not ask to see them so JFM decided that he didn’t actually care about them? Did JC go see them every week until they died and was just angry that he wasn’t allowed to own them anymore? What proof do we have that JC never saw those dogs ever again?)

Anyway, back on track. Thirdly: YZY married out of the MeishanYu sect and into the YunmengJiang sect. She was very insistent on this. She wanted this a great deal even though we know that JFM didn’t particularly want to marry her. I believe that by the culture of the time marrying out of a family meant you were no longer part of that family. Like you might visit or write and introduce your children to them but you weren’t part of the family in the sense that you weren’t in the line of inheritance for anything of that family. So YZY marching into her natal sect with her bratty son behind her, declaring that he would be the sect heir to MeishanYu honestly reads to me as YZY flat out not understanding anything about how family inheritance works. She married into YunmengJiang. By the rules of the time, she should be devoted to building up the YunmengJiang sect, not leaving and returning to her natal sect because she doesn’t like the mother of the child her husband brought in off the streets. JC especially isn’t in line for inheriting MeishanYu because he is a member of the Jiang clan. Honestly the best equivalent I can think of is if people expected Jin Ling, heir (and sect leader and the end of the novel) to LanlingJin to also take over the running of YunmengJiang even though nowhere is it implied that he’s in any way in line of that — JYL married out, any children of hers were part of the Jin clan with no inheritance in the Jiang clan (it’s also for this reason that I am firmly of the belief that Jin Ling was mostly raised at Koi Tower rather than Lotus Pier, who lets the heir to a sect be entirely raised by another sect? For all we know Jin Ling spends a couple of months a year with JC and the novel just happened to take place during those months, and it’s saying something if Jin Ling spends the entire time he has per year with JC running away on night hunts without JC there). So, to put a long point short: YZY married out of the MeishanYu sect and has literally no inheritance there and neither do her children.

Also, at this point hasn’t she essentially kidnapped the heir to YunmengJiang? I doubt JFM is going to say “oh you don’t like my best friends’ son so you want to take our son away. Of course you can do that I have no problem at all with losing my sect heir due to your petty dislike of someone who has been dead for years now. Goodbye.” JFM may not really stand up to YZY, but there’s some things even he isn’t going to tolerate from her. So YZY is causing a political disaster between her natal sect and the sect she married into by kidnapping the sect heir of one and attempting to make him the sect heir of the other. At the very least I feel like JFM could divorce her on the grounds of kidnapping his son and trying to depose the sect heir of her natal sect in favour of a child who by law cannot inherit that sect.

From what I can tell these fics look like they’re set up to be fix-its. Again, I haven’t read them, but I can feel just by reading the summaries and glancing over the tags that they’re intended to be stories about how without the father who ‘hates him so much’ and ‘that awful WWX who always held him back from his true potential’ that JC is so much happier and more skilled and also absolutely going to be the best person in their generation at everything and in at least one of these it looks like he ends up marrying LXC (which is just. No). Honestly it could be a fix-it for JYL and WWX who would no longer be being berated for their general existence (WWX) and hobbies (JYL, specifically how she likes to cook). Them growing up without YZY constantly breathing down their necks and having better mental health as a consequence? Yes please.

Honestly I wouldn’t mind seeing something where the concept was written by someone who didn’t think that ‘actually all the positive traits of other characters are JC’s character traits and also JC should have been the main character’. Something where it’s set up as YZY taking JC with her to Meishan, expecting everything to obviously work out the way she wants, only to be shot down. Her eldest sister is potentially sect leader if their parents have stepped down and has a fifteen-year-old child who everyone in the sect is pleased with as their sect heir. YZY and her expectations get shot down, it’s made clear that she and JC aren’t even in the line of succession since they’re officially part of YunmengJiang and not MeishanYu, and she’s told to leave. She returns to Lotus Pier, angry but still convinced everything there will go her way because JFM has never stood up to her before, only to get back and find JFM in the process of organising their divorce. This isn’t an internal matter due to her not doing the duties expected of the mistress of Lotus Pier anymore, this is a political matter where she kidnapped the sect heir and tried to depose the sect heir of MeishanYu. She’s legally part of YunmengJiang, her actions reflect on the sect as a whole and could be taken as hostile intent. Really the only way to keep this from potentially escalating is to divorce her so that everyone knows her actions aren’t condoned by JFM individually and YunmengJiang as a whole. The end result is that instead of JC somehow fixing everything as a result of having less political influence/lower status than before (sect heir of MeishanYu which is a minor sect compared to the sect heir of YunmengJiang which is a great sect) and without an extremely loyal WWX supporting him, YZY instead undergoes some consequences for once in her life and the family dynamic of the Jiangs + WWX might even manage to be healthier without her constantly being around to antagonise everyone.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure YZY’s children would be so far down the line of succession that they’d have to murder a bunch of people to stand a chance of ruling Meishan, and her taking JC, the heir to the Jiang sect, to another sect without his father’s permission and with the intention of deposing the rightful heir of that sect would be... just a bit of a problem, yeah. Also like. I suspect the reason YZY doesn’t canonically do that is because not even she is that stupid. That goes beyond being a bitch and straight into Actual Crimes. Also love the idea that JC, the most useless of all the great sect leaders, would be less useless in a position of infinitely less power. ...To be fair he would certainly do a lot less damage.

[littlelovelymemes]

✰ * º ❛ californication sentence starters. ❜

(   WARNING: THIS IS PROBABLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK DUE TO VERY STRONG LANGUAGE AND SEXUAL CONTENT.   )

‘  i am not a fucking shrink. i don’t give a shit anyway.  ’ ‘  we are not talking! we are not fucking! nothing is happening!  ’ ‘  you know me... the talking and the fucking go hand-in-hand.  ’ ‘  rehab is for quitters.  ’ ‘  you can’t snort a line of coke off a woman’s ass and not wonder about her dreams. it’s not gentlemanly.  ’ ‘  damn you smell good, like home.  ’ ‘  spend the rest of your life with this fool and this fool will spend the rest of his life making sure you don’t regret it.  ’ ‘  there's no easy way to say this so i’ll just say it: i met someone.  ’ ‘  there’s this feeling in my gut that she may be the one.  ’ ‘  i don’t know how to be with you right now and that scares the shit out of me.  ’ ‘  it’s a big, bad world full of twists and turns and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment.  ’ ‘  i don’t know what’s going on with us and i can’t tell you why you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me.  ’ ‘  it’s a lost art, really. like handjobs.  ’ ‘  i have a confession to make... i didn’t like you very much at first.  ’ ‘  you didn’t seem to have much interest in me, which i of course found vaguely insulting.  ’ ‘  funny how some things never change.  ’ ‘  i cruised along, doing my thing, acting the fool, not really understanding how being a parent changes you.  ’ ‘  i don’t remember the exact moment everything changed. i just know that it did.  ’ ‘  loving you has been the most profound, intense, painful experience of my life.  ’ ‘  i made a silent vow to protect you from the world, never realizing i was the one who would end up hurting you the most.  ’ ‘  when i flash forward, my heart breaks, mostly because i can’t imagine you speaking of me with any sort of pride.  ’ ‘  i care for nothing and everything at the same time.  ’ ‘  noble in thought, weak in action.  ’ ‘  i think that’s the good thing about never being married, it’s impossible to divorce.  ’ ‘  i tried, but somewhere along the line, you slip back into what you know and i’m sorry about that.  ’ ‘  i’m sorry we haven’t talked in awhile because i miss you.  ’ ‘  you’re doing the best you can. you’ve done good.  ’ ‘  that fucker is the horniest man i’ve ever met. he’ll be pitching a tent on his deathbed.  ’ ‘  don’t tell me what to feel.  ’ ‘  all my fucking life people have been telling me i do things wrong. i’m always the fucking asshole. i look around and i see everybody else is infinitely more fucked up than i am.  ’ ‘  i’m offering you sex, and you just want to talk? has the earth spun off its axis?  ’ ‘  i question everything. it’s very healthy.  ’ ‘  you should live with someone who everyday reminds you how fucking lucky you are to be with them.  ’ ‘  you don’t want to be with me.  ’ ‘  if i were to give myself to you, you would run for the hills ‘cause you’re not in love with me. you’re in love with the idea -- the idea of love.  ’ ‘  imagine my fucking disappointment when you turned out to be the biggest cliche of all.  ’ ‘  a great father is a guy that gives it all up for his family and leaves his self-destructive bullshit at the door.  ’ ‘  there isn’t a woman that i’v’e met that i haven’t fallen in love with for 10 minutes or 10 years.  ’ ‘  friends don’t let friends bang each others soulmates!  ’ ‘  i consider that whole area -- general area -- my cock. like, from my knees to nipples.  ’ ‘  two people of the opposite gender can’t rendezvous after 7 pm.  ’ ‘  life’s just too fucking boring not to try.  ’ ‘  i may be easy, but i’m not sleazy.  ’ ‘  a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night loneliness.  ’ ‘  i like it here. it’s nice. the sun is chirping, the birds are shining. the water’s wet.  ’ ‘  life is good, sweetheart. life is good.  ’ ‘  you can blame everything on the economy, douchebag.  ’ ‘  no man should ever have to bear witness to his “o” face.  ’ ‘  you know, it’s not fair to say “b.r.b.” and then never actually b.r.b.  ’ ‘  fuck around all you want. i’m no judge judy. but don’t string a woman along for a major chunk of her childbearing years. that’s not cool.  ’ ‘  when it comes to emotions, women know how to pain with the full set of oils while men are busy doodling with crayons.  ’ ‘  there’s nothing quite like getting stoned on the very bed that your ex-domestic partner shares with her fiance. it’s the little things.  ’ ‘  hang out with your wang out, but remember: no gloving, no loving.  ’ ‘  hate the game, not the playa.  ’ ‘  no matter what you did, don’t give up. do not give up because if she loves you, she’ll forgive you.  ’ ‘  things fall apart. they break. that’s life.  ’ ‘  despite all evidence to the contrary, i am a gentleman.  ’ ‘  i’ve been thinking about us -- that’s us with a capitol “u”.  ’ ‘  the story of us... how the fuck do i sum it up?  ’ ‘  any story with me in the center of it will never be anything less than a big, smiling mess.  ’ ‘  our time in the sun has been a thing of absolute beauty.  ’ ‘  for years i woke up, fucked up, said i was sorry, passed out, and did it all over again.  ’ ‘  i’m a sucker for happy endings.  ’ ‘  there’s just the two of us, which can be fucking ugly sometimes.  ’ ‘  i didn’t know how to finish it because it’s not over.  ’ ‘  it’ll never be over, as long as there’s you, and there’s me, and there’s hope, and grace.  ’ ‘  wine me. dine me. stand up 69 me.  ’ ‘  one does not very easily forget the kiss of a beautiful woman.  ’ ‘  that’s right. i said it. i meant it. i’m here to represent it.  ’ ‘  can you slow down? i don’t know why you’re so fucking angry.  ’ ‘  i’m not the one who disappeared to the bedroom with that fucking weirdo degenerate.  ’ ‘  you’ve got a fucking nerve to take issue with anything i do, ever!  ’ ‘  you’re right, but what am i supposed to do? just sit there and watch it happen?  ’ ‘  why the fuck did you come here tonight anyway?  ’ ‘  there’s always this voice in the back of my head that says ‘maybe this time it will be different, maybe this time the stars will align and there will be this magic moment between us where everything will be okay again.’  ’ ‘  there’s always something or someone in the way!  ’ ‘  you want me not to see anybody else, just say the word. but if you keep me at arms length, what am i supposed to do? just sit around with a cock-cage on and hope that you’re going to have some kind of epiphany about us?   ’ ‘  do you honestly think i care about you fucking someone else? if we’re not together, i don’t expect you to have taken some vow of celibacy.  ’ ‘  when i see someone look at you the way i used to look at you... i fucking hate that. it makes me sick to my stomach.  ’ ‘  i don’t want to be that person. i don’t want to start playing games and like, trying to get back at you or try to hurt you.   ’ ‘  i thought there was something wrong with me, but it’s you. you’re a loser.  ’ ‘  i’m sorry you got hurt. i thought we had an understanding.  ’ ‘  i swallowed your cum, but worst of all, i swallowed your bullshit.  ’ ‘  i guess being there made it easier to forget that i still love the shit out of you. yeah, wow, i said that out loud, didn’t i?  ’ ‘  so? i still love you. i always will, till the day i die. but at some point, i had to choose happiness, i had to make that a priority.  ’ ‘  i’m with someone who understands that i’ll never stop loving you and that makes me happier than i’ve ever been.  ’ ‘  contrary to popular belief, i’m not out there trying to hurt anyone.  ’ ‘  by the way, you’re an incredibly woman. very sexual. are you ovulating right now?  ’ ‘  don’t blame me because you were born with a clit for a cock and a tiny beanbag to house what passes for balls.  ’ ‘  eat my shit.  ’ ‘  it makes my labia shrivel.  ’ ‘  die young and suffer, dickless.  ’ ‘  you can either cry like a bitch or smack a bitch.  ’ ‘  what, you going back to your mommy’s? you fucking infant.  ’ ‘  sperm would enter my pretty little vajoojoo and my cold black heart would kill that shit dead, son.  ’ ‘  trust me, getting your asshole bleached would be much more fun.  ’ ‘  you’re like one of those freaky chicks who marries serial killers on death row.  ’ ‘  well, if you were not so preoccupied with sticking your dick in anything with a hole that will have you, you might noticed these things.  ’ ‘  i want to go back and do it all over again. only this time, not make the same mistakes... this time, do it better. this time do it right.  ’ ‘  our best days are behind us now. you’re just chasing a dragon. we’re never going to life happily ever after.  ’ ‘  you’re going to die poor, drunk, and alone.  ’ ‘  welcome to the place where time stands still, where whisky flows and always will.  ’ ‘  i came back... for you. i know it’s overwhelming, disorienting even.  ’ ‘  we have to resolve this shit one way or another, don’t you agree?  ’ ‘  i say we stay here until we figure it out... or until we both get so fucking horny we can’t stand it. either way, it’s a win-win for both of us.  ’ ‘  what is this? explain yourself, woman.  ’ ‘  do you realize that the bottom has just officially dropped out of our relationship?  ’ ‘  angry? i’m not angry! why would i be angry? i’m not even entitled to angry.  ’ ‘  that’s what makes it worse: she was there first.  ’ ‘  you might wanna curve your crazy bitch.  ’ ‘  why, do you still love her?  ’ ‘  are you challenging me right here in my own home?  ’ ‘  of course i love you! i’ve always loved you!  ’ ‘  i didn’t fuck anyone, if that’s what you were wondering.  ’ ‘  who gives diamonds to the homeless? not i.  ’ ‘  i love you and i want to spend the rest of my life annoying the shit out of you.  ’ ‘  i’m sick and tired of fighting about the past.  ’ ‘  home is wherever you are.  ’ ‘  you are so full of shit?  ’ ‘  other than making the sweet love to me, that’s the nicest thing you could’v done.  ’ ‘  you’re right, i know everything there is to know about you.  ’ ‘  i am lucky. i’m lucky to have known you, i’m lucky to have loved you.  ’ ‘  i like you when you’re crazy.  ’ ‘  you have so much shit going on in your life right now, you don’t want to add this to the mix.  ’ ‘  thank you for letting me be the crazy one for once.  ’ ‘  merry fucking christmas. can we go home already?  ’ ‘  it’s your life. if there’s something you don’t like about it, you can change it.  ’ ‘  you need to be in the middle of a mess of your own creation, right? that’s what makes you attractive and also, impossible to live with.  ’ ‘  impossible is a very strong word.  ’ ‘  i love you, but i can’t be with you. when will you accept that?  ’

[nolxnderson]

Dear, Declan

There’s been some complications with what I intended on doing with this letter. Firstly was whether or not to wait to give it to you on our next scheduled outing, or to give it to you when you made your way out to my new place. 

Secondly was the matter in which if I even intended on giving this to you at all. Yet, here we are, both sitting across from each other while I watch your lip curl in on itself while you read, or that we’re miles apart and you’re still doing it out of habit. All that really matters is that you’re reading it, and I finally get to say everything I feel.

Don’t let that last statement fool you. This letter acts as an apology of sorts. In the past, I’ve apologised for many things and I don’t know if you’ve realised, but all of them were from the deepest part of me should I decide to be truthful. Before I begin, you should know in advance; I have no reason to lie to you and every word from beginning to finish, is my truth.

Tracing back to when you and I first met. Coffee all of over those shoes of yours and asking you out to dinner in the same day. I’ll be honest. The moment I saw you, there was a brief moment of—instant dislike, but it was for a reason I didn’t believe exist until we began talking. This “crush” I developed on you grew almost instantaneously, causing me to believe it was severe hatred. It is now I finally understand this feeling was the sensation of falling in love and having no say in the matter. 

Fucking bullshit, you can’t fall in love with someone at first sight? To this I say, too true; but this wasn’t love at first. I hated you for making butterflies swarm my stomach and always tripping over words to say them to you. I hated you for making me fall for you. When I finally built up the nerve to ask you out, it was possibly in the worst way I could imagine but if I could go back to do it right—I honestly don’t think I would.

I reached out for humour as a crutch, and to my quite blatant disbelief, you allowed yourself to fall blindly into what would turn out to be; a mess of emotions, puppy-love, an embarrassing engagement, and the best sex I’ve ever had.

We’ve had many good memories, few bad ones, but all together, they made us stronger. Everything was good, and it wasn’t until I stood in front of you and watched you walk away with those divorce papers, I even realised how badly I fucked up, and how fucked up I really was. Anger wouldn’t be the word to sum my emotions up. It definitely had definition in the circumstance, but it’s taken me a while to come to terms with all of it.

When I witnessed you kissing my sister while at Harpoole, that was almost laughable. The man I gave my heart to, just kissed my fucking sister. I was angry, but not for the reason I should’ve been. It wasn’t about you not loving me enough to actually care about who you were kissing, it was the fact someone kissed something I owned. It was for a sad, pitiful reason, yet I put you through Hell and back because I wanted to teach you a lesson. That you belonged to me. In the end, it sparked a riotous string of revengeful thoughts and poisonous words, because I’m manipulative. It’s in my nature to experiment on people’s emotions, but I didn’t mean for it to go that far.

It’s in my short few years of life and love that I realise, you cannot own people. What possibly made me the most inhuman had been swept away by morale. I’d been human once, and that was when I was with you. As cold and bruiting as I seemed, there has always been a mess of emotions underneath, clawing for breath as I drowned them in a sea of alcohol, one-night stands, and regret. My emotions have been choking endlessly on the stoicism I laid over them a long time ago. No longer as cheerful, spirited, angry, or even aroused. You took all of that when you left me behind, but I won’t blame you for my own mistakes.

I will not ask you for forgiveness.

What I have done is unforgivable.

I was so lost in hatred and revenge. I never dreamed that I could love you so much. You stole what was left of my heart. And now I’ve lost you forever.

I just wanted you to know that there was a time I saw the worst in you, and I was still madly in love with that part of you. And that love has never faltered, even when your lips were touched by someone else’s and your heart ceased to be called mine. Every kiss, every laugh, every tear would’ve meant nothing if it didn’t mean we were destined to be together. You were my soul mate, and you knew I was yours.

Fear caused me to do things I wouldn’t have done and lose sight of the only ideal I had, and that was to be by your side, happy. Happiness is not in my vocabulary at the moment, but soon it will be. Soon, the only feeling imaginable will be happiness, and I’ll sit alongside it until I start to wither away.

This letter was an apology, and in my own way, a goodbye. That those mistakes have shaped me into the person I should be, not the person I was so vainly adored for. I also want to say goodbye to that old part of me that wants to hate everything and give nothing, but that has always been an identifier. 

People knew me as that asshole who didn’t care for anything or anyone. Long before that part, I didn’t know there was an older part of me that was so selfless and forgiving and happy. I turned into a monster, but that part of my life is coming to an end. With that end, I’m saying goodbye to not only my former self, but to the bad blood between us. I’m saying goodbye to the part of me that made you hate yourself, and I want you to say goodbye, too.

It’s like I’m reading a book, and it’s a book I deeply love. But I’m reading it slowly now. So the words are really far apart and the spaces between the words are almost infinite. I can still feel you, and the words of our story, but it’s in this endless space between the words that I’m finding myself now. It’s a place that’s not of the physical world. It’s where everything else is that I didn’t even know existed. I love you so much. But this is where I am now. And this who I am now. And I need you to let me go. As much as I want to, I can’t live your book any more.

Still here, stuck in that forever space between the makings of each other’s lives Hell out of spite and finally reaching the end of our personal limbo to cast it away. Thinking about all the things I wanted to and did apologise to you for.

All the pain we caused each other.

Everything I put on and in front of you.

Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say.

I'm sorry for that. I'll always love you because we grew up together and you helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know there will be a piece of you in me always, and I'm grateful for that. Whatever someone you become, and wherever you are in the world, I'm sending you love. I hope you understand that when I handed this letter off to you or you’ve found it on the bedside table, it would be the last time I’d see you. 

I know we made a promise to each other to always forgive each other’s mistakes and grow from them, but it’s been a long time coming since then. Look, I know what is right compared to what is wrong, but you’ll have to forgive me if I mix the two up from time to time.

I was ready for that new beginning beyond what we could become. I was ready to show you a new man, but it looks like I’m gonna have to do it alone. That’s not to say you haven’t got me through the toughest parts of myself in the past. And over and over again, it’s screwed you. You’ve helped me become the man I am, or rather, was. So, this time, I need a different kind of help, okay?

I need you to let me go.

I’m sorry I walked out on you that night. You’re right, I was scared. And I knew you’d be mad, but I also knew that you’d be okay. I know my choices suck sometimes, and you like to be there to head them off at the pass, but this time, I need you to believe that this was only option. Okay?

Don’t be afraid of what’ll happen. Trust I’ll be okay. One way or another, I’ll be okay.

I’m afraid I’m at my limit and these pills are starting to work their magic.

I need one more thing from you. When this is over, don’t remember the bad times. Remember the other ones. New Year’s Eve and champagne in the Maldives. Your terrible, terrible guitar playing that never really got any better even though I said it did.

I need you to remember that I’ve had a lifetime worth of pain and loneliness before I found you. And then seven amazing years of love. I love you.

You know, I read somewhere that every seven years, our cells are destroyed and replaced, and that offers new hope. Not only to a new beginning for you, but to a body I never touched. I promise, you’ll get over me and live a happier life without me in a bigger part of it. I keep my promises and you've always been my best friend to the end. I love you so much. Kiss Daisy and the twins goodbye for me.

Love, forever and always,

Nolan.

[keepmewithyourwords]

Documentary evidence submitted during the trial of Michael Walker. Date: Wed, 04 Apr 2012 04:44 PM From: michaelwalker1260@pimail.com To: yuki_yamamoto@suuji.co.jp Subject: Reading By Numbers 1 – I met your mother in a number garden in Hokkaido. 2 – When I was 5830 days old I saw a news report about Professor Sujimoto. He had made a virtual number garden for his students. 3 – I vowed I would study in Japan and started learning Japanese. 4 – I was accepted into the University of Sapporo and enrolled in their math department. Professor Sujimoto’s fame had increased after he had discovered what was, at the time, the largest prime number ever found. 5 – Sujimoto conducted all of his lectures online in a VR environment he had created himself. 6 – When I logged in, I was presented with a menu that allowed me to create an avatar to represent myself. I chose the symbol for pi. 7 – An oak tree stood in the center of the garden. It reached unending into the sky and its trunk was alive with an army of marching ants, each of them carrying a glowing neon digit. Together they formed the prime number Sujimoto had discovered — a number more than 42 million digits long. 8 – Twenty-three other students attended that lecture. Their avatars took the forms of anime characters, kawaii cats and other fantastic creatures. Sujimoto’s avatar was reminiscent of a monk — wearing brown robes and conical hat. 9 – A text bubble appeared in the air beside the monk. “Welcome to this year’s first class on number theory.” 10 – “Numbers have a purity that words cannot match.” 11 – “They are the building blocks of science. By studying them we can learn about ourselves and our place in the universe. I have created this garden to give you a chance to explore the world of numbers and their hidden beauty.” 12 – He pointed to the garden beds where different colored numbers grew. “There are transcendental numbers, abundant numbers, undulating numbers, pandigital numbers, deficient numbers, surreal numbers, happy numbers, weird numbers and my personal favorites, the 13 – vampire 14 – numbers.” A bed of numbers erupted from the ground in front of Sujimoto. It contained the numbers from 1 to 1000 arranged in orderly rows. The numbers were purple and had pale, green stems. “I want you to pick one integer. This is going to be your special number for the year. Then explore the garden.” 15 – The student avatars crowded around the purple numbers and started plucking them. I wanted to choose 3, 7, 22 or 227 because they are used when estimating pi, but some other students must have had the same idea. I chose 220 instead. 16 – I wandered past a garden of hyperreal numbers and came to a numberfall. A torrent of digits cascaded down shiny, black rocks and emptied into a gleaming, blue lake. I queried the VR interface and discovered the numberfall was displaying part of the infinite sequence of digits that makes up pi. I waded through the water until I stood underneath the numberfall. The digits crashed all about me. I was submerged in infinity. 17 – A unicorn splashed into the lake. It had the purple number 284 wrapped around its horn. When the unicorn saw the number stuck to my side, it started bouncing up and down in excitement. Someone was pressing the jump key too often. 18 – “Look at our numbers!!! We have to be friends. It’s fate!!!” 19 – That was how I met 20 – your mother. 21 – It took me a moment to grasp the significance of what she was saying. 220 and 284 are the smallest pair of amicable numbers. The sum of the proper divisors of 220 (1, 2, 4, 5, 10, 11, 20, 22, 44, 55, 110) is 284. The sum of the proper divisors of 284 (1, 2, 4, 71, 142) is 220. The numbers are bound together. 22 – Your mother decided we were meant to be together. I had only just arrived in Japan and I didn’t have any friends. So I was happy to meet her after class. 23 – She was also interested in codes and sent me emails with hidden messages. A message with (32) at the end meant I had to read every thirty-second line to find the meaning. 24 – We fell in love. 25 – The next four years were the happiest of my life. I specialized in the process of random number generation. Computers usually only generate pseudorandom numbers. Deterministic algorithms can be recreated, so the numbers aren’t truly random. Eventually a pattern will emerge. To get true random numbers, computers have to rely on external sources, such as devices to measure atmospheric noise. 26 – We got married after we graduated. Some of my friends in Australia warned me about the difficulties of intercultural relationships. I thought our love for numbers would help us bypass that. 27 – Cultural differences sometimes even extend to numbers. In western countries we count in thousands, but in Japan they count in ten thousands. 20,000 is not 20 thousands, it is 2 ten thousands. I also learned other numbers have been polluted by superstition. 28 – The end came when I saw a documentary about an autistic savant who could perform astonishing feats of calculation and memory. He recited pi from memory to 22,514 digits. I could not do this. 29 – He said that in his mind numbers have different shapes and colors. I could not see this. The numbers I loved had 30 – betrayed me. 31 – They had shown themselves to others, but not to me. 32 – Kaori told me she was pregnant. 33 – At the time it was an unexpected and unwelcome 34 – addition. 35 – 1 + 1 should not equal 3. 36 – Your grandmother said we had to go to a 37 – fortune teller 38 – to help us choose your name. 39 – A fortune teller had chosen your mother’s name by selecting a kanji with a lucky number of strokes. 40 – Your grandmother poisoned your mother’s thinking with superstition. 41 – We argued. 42 – Then 43 – your grandmother 44 – became ill and was admitted to hospital. 45 – When I arrived at the hospital, 46 – she was asleep. 47 – Kaori sat by her bedside. 48 – She looked pale and tired. 49 – I had brought some flowers, 50 – so I 51 – put them on the table by the bed. 52 – Kaori stared at the flowers. “What are those?” she demanded. 53 – “I bought some flowers for your mother.” 54 – “They’re chrysanthemums!” 55 – The old woman stirred in her sleep. 56 – “What’s the matter? I thought your mother would appreciate them. They are Japan’s national flower.” 57 – “You never give chrysanthemums to someone in hospital! They’re only for funerals.” 58 – “How was I supposed to know that?” 59 – I picked up the flowers. “I will get rid of them. There’s no need to get upset. You’re acting like I 60 – killed 61 – her.” 62 – “That’s because you bought four of them! 63 – I’ve told you before, four is an unlucky number in Japan. 64 – It sounds like death. 65 – You want my mother to die, don’t you! You’ve always hated her.” 66 – “What are you talking about? That’s crazy.” 67 – “Then why did you bring her four chrysanthemums?” 68 – “The shop only had four left,” I replied. “They’re just flowers.” I threw the flowers in the bin. 69 – “I was only trying to help 70 – her.” 71 – Kaori stared at me for a long time. Then she reached into her handbag and took out her ATM card. 72 – “What about this?” She flung the card at me. “You changed the PIN on my card yesterday, didn’t you? I had to go into the bank to find out what the new number was. And you know what the new number was, don’t you? 1260!” 73 – “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said. 74 – “1260 is a vampire number,” Kaori said. 75 – “I don’t know anything about that. The bank must have given you a new number for some reason. It was probably just chosen randomly.” 76 – “Don’t lie to me, Michael! I know all about your so-called random numbers! You chose that because you want to frighten me.” 77 – “Please calm down. Your mother isn’t well, and you’re pregnant. You’re very emotional.” 78 – “I don’t love you any more, Michael.” 79 – “That’s not true.” 80 – “You need to get help.” 81 – In case your mother has neglected your education I should explain about vampire numbers. They are numbers with an even number of digits that can be equally divided into two so-called fangs. These fangs are factors of the number and contain all of the digits of the original number. 82 – 1260’s fangs are 21 and 60 (21×60=1260). 83 – Your grandmother died that night. 84 – Kaori divorced me. 85 – Now, I sit in my small room and think about my mistakes. I thought numbers had betrayed me. But now I know it was not their fault. 86 – They are always true. It is superstitious people that sully the perfection of numbers. 87 – If someone tells you they love you, how do you prove it’s true? Even if it is true, how do you know it will be true tomorrow? 88 – Numbers are eternally perfect. The square root of 100 will always equal 10. 89 – Japanese law doesn’t recognize the custody rights of foreign parents. I have never even met you. But that will change one day soon. 90 – I will come for you and your mother. 91 – I have begun to make my own simple number garden. 92 – I have marked the walls with some of my favorite numbers. 93 – 220. 94 – 284. 95 – 1260. 96 – Sometimes numbers grow into things they shouldn’t. 97 – I am watching these numbers closely. One day they will grow into something very special. 98 – My health has been poor. To help me relax I perform simple integer divisions. 99 – But I am very careful about what numbers I choose to divide. 100 – I am always happier when there is no remainder. (10)

Reading by Numbers by AIDAN DOYLE