#but really the cr fandom overall has been so welcome and wonderful and kind

[all-thestories-aretrue]

There are many jokes floating around the shadowgast nation about the nature of Caleb and Essek's relationship (eggplants and winky faces abound), and most of them are good natured and perhaps true (eventually or at some point). I find most of them entertaining and sweet, but some of what I have stumbled across post-reunion have highlighted that it's only a joke up to a certain point to me.

Please keep in mind that everything in this post is my opinion and my opinion only. I'm not asking that anyone agree with me. This post is mainly for me because I felt like I needed to make it.

I have seen several comments/posts/tags in many different places talking about Essek and Caleb and that scene in the reunion, and describing it as horny or saying they can't keep their hands off each other or following up that conversation with sexual intimacy. I know a lot of these comments or conversations are not malicious or ill-intentioned, and I understand that people are excited for the first new content in nearly 2 years.

But, one thing I have appreciated about Critical Role is the variety of sexuality and genders represented, including various asexual and aromantic identities. Essek is confirmed by Matt on Twitter to be demi (romantic or sexual is unclear to me so it could be taken as either. If anyone has any other sources I would greatly appreciate them). As someone who identifies as aspec, I deeply appreciate the representation that Critical Role has given me.

The shadowgast scene in the reunion was not sexual to me. It's only been six months since the end of c2, which granted, I have not completed yet. As of this writing, I am in the middle of episode 133. Whatever is going on between Caleb and Essek is still very new, especially for two people who thought they would never have love. An aspect of being demi is that it takes time and closenes and a strong emotional bond for romantic and/or sexual feelings to develop. Six months, to me, feels like an incredibly short time for those feelings to take root for Essek even if he is on the path of developing them.

Seeing people make light of Essek's sexual attraction or feelings for Caleb or treat them as common place or casual, even innocuously, has made me feel as though this aspect of Essek really is ignored or forgotten about sometimes. Not by everyone nor, I would even doubt, the majority. Maybe not intentionally or maliciously or maybe it's a lack of understanding about demisexuality or aspec identities.

This is a feeling I have had for a while, and I mean this about nothing in particular but rather a sum of the parts I have encountered over the months.

In addition, I think Essek's sexuality can be overshadowed by how sexual Caleb can be/is. He makes comments throughout the entirety of the campaign that directly or indirectly reveal his sexuality, and that part is clearly important to him, even if he has not acted on it in a very long time.

I am not saying that Essek is NOT sexually attracted to Caleb or that their relationship does not involve sex at some point or at the time of that scene. I do think, at the very least, that Caleb and Essek would have a conversation about it as some point, and I find it likely it would turn sexual. At the very least, Caleb is attracted to Essek. Liam has confirmed that. I would guess those feelings are a combination of romantic, sexual, platonic, etc.

But I cannot imagine, and again this is my opinion, that feeling sexual attraction or acting on it for the perhaps first or second, maybe third time, is not a life-altering moment for him, let alone acting on it. From what see of his character, he's extrmely gaurded, extremely lonely, extremely shameful. Showing his emotions and attraction to Caleb, or to anyone really, is an extreme show of trust and vulnerability, and I don't think it should be taken lightly.

Treating it, at least in those early months, as though it is common or casual, something taken for granted, feels, to me, as though it undermines the importance and gravity of Essek's feelings, whatever they may be. Further, it undermines aspec identities, relegating them to sidelines if it is even acknowledged at all. I feel as though a lot of the jokes ignore Essek's demisexuality and how integral it is to how he builds relationships and interacts with people.

As someone who is aspec, I find it disheartening to see these sort of jokes and offhand comments being circulated about a character who is confirmed, canon aspec whose identity centers on deep bonds that take time to develop. Applying sexual under/overtones to scene where a small chaste kiss and an innocent pet name are shared feels like, in a way, a forced sexualization of a new, developing relationship that may never turn sexual.

There is such little aspec representation in media, and Critical Role does a fantastic job of showcasing a variety of aspec identities which is so, so rare. To turn around and have the fandom ignore or disregard these identities (intentional or not) that the cast and crew work hard to incorporate feels bad. It makes me feel as though I still have to fight for my identity to be seen and understood by people who, theoretically, support and want to understand and respect various identities, who claim to love Essek and Caleb and their relationship. It hurts.

I have spent a lot of time convincing myself that I and my sexuality belong in the queer community, that I deserve to have a voice, that I deserve to be respected and heard. With my feelings about Essek and his demisexuality, I didn't feel right standing by any longer and remaining silent when these portrayals were bothering me.

I am not asking anyone to change their opinions, to agree with me, to change the fic they write, the art they draw. The Critical Role fandom is beautiful and amazing and absolutely incredible. I have met so many kind, caring, wonderful people since joining. It's an experience unlike any other. But, I needed to make this post for me and anyone else who was feeling like me.

[barbara-the-pinata]

the cold never bothered me anyway

Or alternately titled: I suck at titles so let’s do a frozen reference

This is for @mystic606​‘s Have A Holly Jolly Christmas Contest thing

Prompt: “Just pretend to be my date.”

Fandom: Mystic Messenger

Pairing: Yoosung x Reader 

(Listen, I've never written Yoosung in my life, but he was like,,the only character that fit the prompt jskhdfl)

Warnings: Very mild swearing, Rika and her...passing is mentioned/implied, I can’t write romance

Word Count: 2,825 

“So…”

“So…?” You curiously glanced at your study partner, Yoosung, waiting for him to finish his thought.

Earlier that day, Yoosung had invited you over to the local coffee shop to discuss “something important,” in his own words. At first, you had assumed that he wanted to discuss finals or something of that caliber because you two were, after all, study partners. Nothing more. Nothing less.

However, you and Yoosung hadn’t been doing much studying together recently. Apparently, he’d gotten into this new game a couple of months ago and had been neglecting his study partner duties for quite some time now, skipping on preplanned study sessions and what-not. As much as it pained you to admit, this saddened you a lot more than it should have. You were growing fond of meeting Yoosung in the library, between classes, in his apartment, and everywhere else you two studied at, even if he wasn’t exactly the best partner ever.

But, here you were five minutes later, still sipping on your hot chocolate, while you waited for Yoosung to just spit the damn thing out. Whatever Yoosung wanted to talk about was probably embarrassing for him because he refused to look at you in the eye. Instead, he took great interest in the floor, the paintings decorating the walls, the barista, and everything that was not you. Ever so often, he’d glance at you, only to squeak and shoot his gaze in the opposite direction, a faint red tint dusting his cheeks. How cute.

Yeah, Yoosung did not come to discuss the finals, nor study, which was a shame. He was really smart, but he never had the motivation to do anything, which you couldn’t really understand.

“Yoosung,” you said, “what did you want to talk to me about?” You took another short sip from your cup. The hot chocolate was running out. You might have to buy another one.

Finally, Yoosung held your gaze for more than two milliseconds. He wrung his hands a couple of times before speaking, “So...you know how Christmas is in a week, right?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“And...and I’m pretty sure you mentioned once that you couldn’t v-visit your family or friends that day, right?”

It was true: your family lived far away from SKY University, and the majority of your friends were planning to celebrate their holidays with their own families. All you were really planning to do on that day was call your loved ones.

“Yeah, that’s right,” you said, “You know, I’m surprised you remembered that actually. When did I tell you that?”

“Probably around March or something.”

You raised your eyebrows in mild surprise, “Damn, that’s some memory you got there, Yoosung. If only it helped you with your tests.”

“Hey! It’s a lot easier to remember your what your cr--f-friends say than the quadratic formula!”

“X is equal to the opposite of B plus or minus the square root of B squared minus four times A times C divided by two times A,” you chuckled.

He pouted, “You don’t count. You’re smart.”

“Yoosung, the quadratic formula isn’t even hard--”

He interrupted you by huffing and sticking out his tongue. For a split second, you thought you had actually offended him until you saw the corner of his mouth twitch into a smile.

You laughed, “Alright, alright, I’m sorry. Stop pouting, you know I don’t like it when you look like that,”

Yoosung gave up the act and laughed along with you.

You missed this. You missed talking to him. You missed...him. You missed his carefree smile, funny jokes, and--

“Anyway, Yoosung,” you said to drown out your thoughts, “what were you saying?”

“Oh, right!” he responded. All of Yoosung’s previous anxieties were apparently forgotten, as he spoke without a tremor or stutter in sight, “Every year my family holds a Christmas party, and I was wondering if you’d like to be my date.”

What?

You stayed silent, trying to process what Yoosung just said. He shifted uncomfortably under your gaze, his eyes darting around the coffee shop. After a minute or two (or perhaps longer), you managed to open your mouth to say something insightful, thoughtful, and overall very smooth.

“What?”

Very smooth.

Once again, Yoosung shifted in his seat. He flushed in embarrassment and stuttered up a storm, “I-I-I meant...I meant like...a-a pretend date. J-just during Christmas. Then you can just forget about it,” he paused, “I mean unless you don’t want to! You-you didn’t even say yes, yet. Well, you didn’t exactly say no, either, but of course, you’re not obligated to pretend to date me or anything. I just get tired of my family always asking me, ‘Yoosung, when are you going to get a significant other’ or ‘Yoosung, are you going to be a forever alone?’ or--”

“Yoosung,” you interrupted.

“Or...or I...yeah...” He stopped, tugging at a lock a hair.

You sat upright, “Alright, so let me get this straight. You want me to pretend to be your date at your family’s Christmas party because you think your family is going to judge you?”

“I don’t think they’ll judge me. I know,” Yoosung sighed, “Every year, they ask me when I’m going to get a partner and every year, I have to say that I don’t know. Then, they laugh. Even my younger sister has a girlfriend, and she’s only like fifteen.”

“Ugh, judgy relatives. They’re the worst,” you tried to sympathize with Yoosung, but you couldn’t help but think about how rude he was being. Who did he think he was? Asking someone to be his just to escape the prying questions of his family, especially when that someone actually liked him. As a friend, of course.

For a second, Yoosung lit up, “So, you understand my pain, right? Don’t worry, the party will be small. Only my parents, my sister, her girlfriend will be there.”

“Wow, that is small. You don’t have any other relatives? Or friends?”

You shouldn’t have said that. A sudden look of pain crossed his face. He looked away from you.

Yoosung sighed, “My friends are busy. They couldn’t make it.” No mention of his family, you noted.

“I see…”

“Yeah,” Yoosung paused before looking at you, “so...what do you say?”

“Oh, I don’t know…” you trailed off.

Yoosung breathed your name and took your hands in his. They were warm. “Please, I need this. It just for one night, and I promise to make it up to you. I’ll stop playing LOLOL for a week, I’ll come to every single study session, I’ll...I’ll cook for you…?” he whispered, “Just pretend to be my date.” Yoosung gave his best set of puppy dog eyes, “Please.”

You could never say no to that face.

“Alright,” you agreed.

“Wait, really?” he said. Yoosung looked shocked, clearly not expecting you to actually go along with it.

You shrugged, “Yeah, sure, it seems fun. Just none of that super lovey-dovey stuff, alright?”

He saluted you, “Aye aye, captain!”

You laughed. This wasn't going to be so bad. Just get a backstory, hold hands a couple of times, and make Yoosung pay you back later. Easy.

---

You regretted every life choice you had made up to now. Namely, your birth.

The plan started out simple enough. You and Yoosung thought of the 'so how did you guys meet' story beforehand, and he gave you a quick briefing on what to expect during his family's Christmas parties.

Everything started out so well, too. You met Yoosung's family, and they were so polite, making you feel welcome right away. There was a gift exchange, and you got this sweet new blanket from Yoosung's sister's girlfriend. It was one of those fuzzy ones.

No, the real problem arose when everyone sat down to dinner. You sat next to Yoosung at the dining table with his sister and her significant other on the other side. His parents sat at the ends of the table.

The food was nice. You were currently eating one of your favorite dishes, and you just had to ask for the recipe. It was really good.

Those weren't the problems.

It was just that...all of it just felt so intimate, not like a Christmas party, more like a meeting the parents scenario.

It became worse when Yoosung's mother asked the dreaded question: "So, how did you two meet?"

Yoosung glanced over at you for only a second. Something about how his eyes looked at you so warmly made you heat up. He reached for your hand under the table and squeezed it reassuringly. Your heart squeezed a little too.

He smiled back at his mom, going through the story that the both of you had come up within the coffee shop, "Well, we shared the same major and some classes, but we never really talked that much. Then, I started seeing them more and more during breaks and stuff. After that, we kind of just clicked. I found out that they were nice, funny, smart, and so much more. Later, they asked me out, and we’ve been together since!” Yoosung blew a kiss at you, and you tried not to cringe at his...affectionate behavior.

In front of you, Yoosung’s sister laughed, “Of course Yoosung would be too cowardly to make the first move.”

“I know right?” you rolled your eyes, laughing along, “This guy gets flustered at every little thing. I just had to do something, or else I’d be waiting an eternity just for him to ask me to a cup of coffee.” You poked his cheek and true to your word, his face turned a bright red, “See?”

“Coward,” His sister snickered under her breath.

“Hey!” Yoosung shouted, but it sounded more like whining, “Take that back!”

“Make me.”

“Why you--”

“Excuse me,” Yoosung’s father piped up, “Could we please not fight over the dinner table?”

“Sorry,” both of them said in unison. You shared an empathetic glance at Yoosung’s sister’s girlfriend. It was always awkward to get caught up in host family fights.

An awkward silence ensued as everyone focused on their food. Only the sounds of clinking utensils and sips could be heard.  

After a while, Mrs. Kim spoke up, “Yoosung, why,” she paused to sigh, “why didn’t you tell us about your significant other earlier?” She glanced up, and her hurt was evident in her face.

For a split second, you thought that you two were busted. She had found a flaw in your plan.

Then she continued, “You never talk to us anymore, Yoosung. You’re worrying me.”

Ah. More family drama. Splendid.

You tried to send out your silent plea for help to the two girls sitting in front of you, but they didn’t notice. They were too busy watching Yoosung and his mother.

Yoosung flinched slightly at her direct question. He groped under the table, trying to find something. You slid your hand into his, calming him down.

“I...well, you know, I’ve been busy…” Yoosung trailed off, “with college stuff.”

“I understand that, but why don’t you call more? I don’t know anything that is going on in your life anymore. How are your grades?”

Yoosung took a long sip of his glass of water, trying to put off the question as much as he could. His grip on your hand grew stronger until it felt like you were going to break a bone. His mother waited patiently for Yoosung to finish. He put the glass down and took a few more moments to compose himself.

“My grades are fine.”

His mother sighed, “Are they, Yoosung?”

“Alright,” he looked away, “My grades are....they’re slipping,” he looked back at Mrs. Kim, “I’m not failing or anything, but it’s...close. Too close.”

The tension was palpable as you glanced between all the family members. Everyone was staring at Yoosung except for Mr. Kim, who was paying more attention to cutting the steak in front of him. His mother sat in stunned silence.

After the initial surprise, Mrs. Kim cleared her throat, “What happened to you? You were such a good student before. If Rika was still here, she--” she cut herself off.

“She what? What were you going to say about Rika?”

“I’m just saying--”

Yoosung crossed his arms, “Maybe I’m failing because I’m the only person in this family who actually cared about her!”

If only there was a black hole that you could launch yourself towards.

“Yoosung, it’s been years; you really need to let Rika go,” she was near-tears at this point, “I’m worried about your mental health.”

He snatched his hand from yours and stood up, glaring. Yoosung opened his mouth--presumably to say a retort--but caught sight of you at the last second. Immediately, he sighed and closed his eyes.

When Yoosung opened them again, he said, “I’m...I’m sorry for acting like this. Just give me a minute to cool down,”

With that, Yoosung walked out of the back door.

You looked back at his family. They were all staring at that door, even Mr. Kim.

“Uh,” you said as everyone turned to stare at you, instead, “I think I should go, too--”

You got up and left through the same door. Immediately, a cold gust of wind hit you. It wasn’t snowing, yet, but you still shivered as goosebumps spread all over you. Rubbing your arms to warm yourself, you saw Yoosung sitting on the last stair on the back porch. The faint moonlight covered his figure almost perfectly.

You stood next to him for a few minutes, neither of you talking. Instead, you looked at the stars. They glittered in the black night, and you wondered if you could see a shooting star from here.

“I’m sorry. It’s Christmas. I shouldn’t be doing this.” Yoosung said, interrupting your thoughts.

“That’s alright,” you whispered, sitting down next to him, “Is there anything you want to talk about?”

He nodded, “Yeah.” Yoosung paused as he looked up at the sky for a moment, “Family gatherings have always been a little testy ever since Rika…” he trailed off, “That’s why most of my family didn’t come.”

“Who’s Rika?”

“Ah, I’ll tell you a little later, alright?”

“Alright.”

Yoosung leaned back, closing his eyes shut, “I knew this was going to be awful, so I invited you. You always seem to make awful things better.”

You twiddled your thumbs, heating up at the compliment, “Oh, was I helpful, then?”

He opened one eye to look at you and smiled, “Very.”

“It didn’t seem like it, but...I’m glad.”

A calm sense of quiet filled the air as you breathed in your surroundings. Despite all of this drama, it was nice to just sit with Yoosung alone. It had been a while since you two could do that.

“Actually, I have a confession to make,” Yoosung’s voice drifted through the air as he sat up, looking at you in the face, “Last week when I asked you to come here with me? I was…” he trailed off. Even in the dark, you could see his face dusting pink.

“Yes…?”

“I was...uh...trying to...you know...:”

“Yoosung, what is it?”

“Iwastryingtoaskyououtokay?” his words came out quickly and jumbled together. It took you a second to figure out what he said.

“What?”

“But, then, then, you looked at me with that face,” Yoosung gestured towards your face, “and I just couldn’t, so I backtracked and said it was just pretend and I…” he covered his tomato face with his hands, “God, what was I thinking? I’m so embarrassed.”

You chuckled and reached over to pry his hands away from his face, “That’s alright. I’m sorry for being so oblivious, I guess.”

Yoosung sighed, his face getting redder the longer your hands stay on his face, “I meant what I said earlier, you know.”

“You said a lot of things earlier,” you laughed.

“I meant the part about you being nice, funny, and smart. The rest might have been lies, but that part was true.”

He cupped your hands that were still resting on his cheeks. At this point, you weren’t sure if his red cheeks were caused by the cold or...something else.

You whispered, “Why don’t we do this pretend date again? Except have it be real this time?”

“You don’t mean…?”

You nodded.

Something in his eyes started to glisten and he threw his arms around you, almost making you lose your balance. Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him, too. Then, his breathing started getting heavy as small sobs choked out.

“Yoosung, are you crying?” you said.

“I’m just,” he let out a deep, shuddery breath, “I’m just so happy.”

You nuzzled his hair, “Me too.”

“Can we stay like this? Only for a couple of minutes. I don’t think I can face my family right now.”

“Of course. It’s no problem.”

Suddenly, you didn’t mind the cold all that much.