#but otherwise... no it's perfect. it's a complete piece of media. i do not need anything more. it already has visuals In My Mind

[commsroom]

if w359 were to be adapted (and imagine this is a perfect world where adaptations are perfectly true to source and author intention) would you prefer a live-action w CGI or animated? how should Hera be portrayed?

oh god, okay. first i have to get over my gut reaction to the idea of a wolf 359 adaptation, which is... please no, not in any form, never. literally the nightmare scenario for me. but okay, other than that.

the wolf 359 that exists in my mind's eye when i'm listening to the show is, like... live action, physical sets, practical effects including some puppetry (for the plant monster, notably) - and that's definitely influenced by gabriel urbina citing farscape as the main inspiration for the tone of the show. so, in a perfect world, assuming at least the main characters would still be played by the same actors and everything... like that, i guess? i love to see fan animations, and there's the obvious benefit re: voice actors, but i don't think it would work. the realism and mundanity undercut by larger than life scenarios and science fiction nonsense is a necessary contrast to me, and the characters are just... such Real Life People, when i picture them in my mind.

and hera is definitely a big reason why i don't think the show can or should be adapted to any visual medium. when i commission art, my personal design for hera has that blue holographic look because 1) it's important to me to have recognizable visual signifiers, and 2) i want a way to give her a physical presence for artistic purposes while still suggesting some intangibility + distance. but i don't literally think she looks like that. if you are portraying what hera actually looks like, then there are two heras: viewed from the outside, formless and faceless, basically a disembodied voice without any other autonomous parts to express herself with, and the way she sees herself in her own mind and her own memories. from what we can infer, i honestly think the image hera has of herself is just of a regular human woman.

i don't know if you could portray hera in any visual medium, because... you can't show her, you can't make her a hologram or a face on a screen, and you can't make her... more robotic, with more expressive moving parts of the station, etc. because any of those things would imply something different about her than what exists in canon. like, i love the idea that eiffel looks at hera's cameras when he's talking to her, but it's important that something like hera's cameras never comes across as hera, as a physical presence. if that makes sense? the sense of isolation, the way hera feels trapped, at a physical distance from the others, unseen - that's such a central conflict of her character, the very literal way that her struggles are invisible to the others, and how the contrast between her internal vs. externally perceived self is at the heart of a lot of commentary re: identity, disability, etc. that surrounds her. audio is really the only medium where that can be maintained while still keeping hera an equal presence to the others - maybe there's some commentary you could make by deconstructing audience assumptions in a visual medium, but it would be difficult to make it the same.

... and that's not even getting into how music, and radio, and voice, and sound recording are all thematic components of the show!!

[g0nta-g0kuhara]

I'm still thinking about that post from earlier because, really, as someone who has been into DR for far too long at this point, it is tiring and disheartening to see new fans embarrassed or nervous to post. I can't tell you how many times Ive seen fan posts couched with captions like "sorry I like DR now" or "this game sucks lol' or "I hated dr but I like x." And like, I get it, I really do. I felt that way too when I first joined the fandom, and obviously there is a lot to criticize about this series. But it is sad to see so much apprehension talking about liking something or a part of something that you feel the need to add negativity like that to an otherwise positive post. And its exhausting to see as a fan when you have to see it over and over and over again.

This isn't even an in-fandom problem which makes it kinda hard to do anything about too? Almost everyone who posts like this is new to the fandom or just passing through. It's just DR's reputation as "completely irredeemable trash media" that makes people feel that way, and its sad. I just wish people who are clearly feeling genuine positive emotions about DR could let themselves feel those things without the fear of being sent to tumblr hell for the sin of liking a piece of media that's not perfect.

[l0veraven]

why the fuck would you reclaim the violently transphobic webcomic instead of writing your own thing. awful. are you tme? don’t think i’ve ever met a tma leasebound enjoyer. funny.

I'm trans-masc (this is the first time I've seen the term TME so that was pretty cool to see), but there's more to it than just reclaiming the story.

I 100% disavow the author, Rusty, and her beliefs that she shoehorns into her story. Many of her characters are bland and one-note, and (even though the original story is wildly transphobic), it's turning the transphobia on its head and taking a critical look at transphobia while also focusing on the actual lesbian love story.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it in the Author's Notes from the top of my head, but the love story is heavily overshadowed by the story being a soapbox and shouting, "trans women are evil and ugly and [insert more insults here]." In my fic, I'm still bringing topics of gender into it, but in a way that, again, takes a deeper look and is an integral part of how the characters interact with each other.

We also need to talk about how allergic Rusty is to depicting men. That's actually another major issue I have. The flavor of terf/radfem beliefs that Rusty upholds is genuine misandry (prejudice/discrimination against men). I don't use misandry lightly and don't mention it much in conversation.

Chapter 12 actually highlights this point.

(Spoilers for people that haven't read the chapter)

Shez's backstory is explored and details how her trauma with her mother being in abusive relationships with men had negatively impacted everyone involved (the mother, siblings, and herself). The character being averse to men and having trauma is completely valid and I would never critique someone having PTSD. I, myself, have PTSD from abusive relationships (familial and otherwise) throughout my entire life, so this isn't something foreign to me, but everyone does experience trauma differently.

I bring up Shez's backstory because even though it's a perfect way to explain why she hates men, it perpetuates the idea that men are inherently violent, predatory, and abusive. This isn't helped by how Meriam, the mother, is genuinely heterophobic and refuses to acknowledge that therapy would be beneficial for her.

(Here are the heterophobic panels in question)

I understand where Meriam is coming from, even though I don't have the same trauma as her. It's understandable that she wouldn't want a man in her house. I see why she's avoidant of meeting Rissa's boyfriend. It's normal to avoid triggers.

What isn't normal is actively avoiding seeking help to work through trauma. This isn't to say she should invite men to her house and "get over it". It's that she needs to learn that not every man is out to hurt every woman they encounter. I had to get therapy myself in the past and had to learn that not every romantic partner will manipulate me, but need to establish boundaries to ideally avoid being in a situation like that again.

To point out the heterophobic lines (which is wild because this is the first time I've seen actual heterophobia in any piece of media)"

Rissa: "[...] SHANEZY doesn't NEED to date women. [... Your ex-husband] was ONE man, mum. ONE. [...] He treats me like a QUEEN. You'd know that if you just gave him a CHANCE!"

Meriam: "One chance is too many. Nice men are the best liars."

This is where Meriam is unable to see the nuances of human interaction. People with enough charisma, period, are the best liars. Could be Ted Bundy, could be your mother-in-law. Anyone and everyone is capable of lying and tearing a person down. Toxic lesbian relationships can and do exist. You don't avoid liars just by attracted to the same gender or only interacting with the same gender.

Rissa: "And WOMEN never lie?!? They're just perfect angels who can do no wrong?!"

Meriam: "Women cannot make you pregnant."

We'll look past the women being able to impregnate (trans women do exist, but that's besides the point). Rissa is making a very valid point. Anyone is capable of lying and you can't avoid toxicity by only avoiding one group of people. Liars exist in a variety of spaces and have a variety of identities. Men are not the only ones capable of bad behaviors.

Rissa: "[...] So my options are: be a fucking lesbian or die alone? Great!"

Meriam: "Rissa... I am not saying this."

But she is. To a degree. I'm assuming that Meriam would be fine if Rissa abstained from relationships entirely (but we can't forget that terfs tend to not acknowledge asexual and aromantic identities), as long as she wasn't with a man. In theory, assuming that Rissa is straight, she would unfortunately be pressured by her mother to remain single.

THE BIGGEST POINT HIGHLIGHTING THE HETEROPHOBIA HOWEVER:

Rissa: "What if we get married, hmm? You just won't come to the wedding? You won't meet his family? Nothing?!"

Meriam: "I cannot support this, but I cannot stop you either."

Rissa: "Well, I guess you'll just never see me after that then!"

Meriam: "You will always have a home here..."

THIS is the problem. Instead of trusting her daughter to ensure her own safety and establish hard boundaries in her relationship with someone she hasn't even met yet, she just doesn't trust men. Period. This dialogue is something that comes straight out of a conflict with a homophobic parent. Remember the lines, "I cannot support this, but I cannot stop you either," and, "You will always have a home here." This reeks of "I don't support your lifestyle, but I still love you and you're always welcome here. Just not your partner."

Why go on about heterophobia?

For one, it demonstrates how hating men is acceptable in the comic, because with how the conversation is treated within the comic, Rissa is the irrational one for not siding with her mother. The other aspect is that it perpetuates "man violent," which isn't really beneficial to anyone. It fails to understand the nuances of people as a whole.

We also can't forget the gay couple with a gender nonconforming son that only appeared for a split second and never returned. Again, Rusty is allergic to men. I actually hate how her friend rags on her "inability to draw men". I think it's untrue, and frankly, I like some aspects of Rusty's art style. However, Rusty herself has mentioned that she refuses to depict men in her comic (unless they're characters like Trinity AKA "Madame President" as shown in Chapter 13).

THE POINT IS:

Why not take a shitty piece of media and re-write it to make it better? It's kinda like being mad at all the anime abridged series out there because the original media is shitty in one way or another. Besides, the story itself has SO MUCH POTENTIAL, but it's completely ruined by the transphobia and focusing on that aspect rather than developing the relationship between Jaden and Riley.

This comic has been going on for 5 7 years and we got the backstory of a side character before getting a look at Riley's backstory. Focus on the main characters please. We haven't even gotten to the inevitable break-up between Riley and Blaire yet.

Who knows, maybe one day I can publish this fic as its own book like with 50 Shades of Grey 🙈

[neoaya]

Hot take!!! (Nuclear tbh)

People are way too shitty to the LW devs, especially Yumeno Rote.

This guy is responsible for every single piece of non-story card character art in the game, that includes units, costumes, alts, expressions, Music Video CGs, etc. Seeing as a new unit is released per week, along with 2/4 event costumes and 2/3 rebirth costumes at the end of the month, this guy is at MINIMUM drawing 8 fully detailed illustrations and backgrounds per month, for three and a half years straight.

The only other gacha to my knowledge that has one artist doing all the character art like this is Limbus Company, which even then has a significantly longer period between new art being added to the game. (I'm aware there are likely a lot more, but most to my knowledge have multiple artists)

So when I see a post criticising Lost Word, what do you think is being criticised 90% of the time?

Is it:

The fact it's a gacha game

Genuine criticism of the game itself and its mechanics or story

Hell, even criticism of the questionable work practice of having one guy do all the game's art

If you guessed 4, "near insignificant nitpick of Rote's art, AUs shown, or a VA (in a game where you can pick from 3 for every character) because it doesn't fit within their headcanon in a game about multiple different universes" you'd be correct!

Don't get me wrong, I have seen the first two plenty of times, but they're always either fair critiques or people who just don't want anything to do with gacha games and don't care which is understandable.

But for 4? The sheer amount of hatred and seething vitriol people express for details most people wouldn't think twice about is insane to me. It never seems to come from a sincere place of disappointment but rather fear to fit in, like "Oh this relates to me, I better lay in to it as much as possible since everyone else shits on it, wouldn't want to give people the impression I'm weird for liking it after all". It just seems depressing to me that people feel the need to act miserable out of peer pressure and not wanting to stray from the popular opinion.

As someone's who played the game since launch at this point I feel more than qualified to tell you it's FAR from perfect, hell I wouldn't even call it all that good. Gameplay fluctuates from playing the game for you to forcing you to have a full understanding of the meta, grinding is a chore, drop rates are far too low, the nature of the game forcing normally evil aligned characters to act more reasonably, and I unironically think the lack of representation and downright bad writing for Aya until now is singlehandedly responsible for making her drop by one place 3 years in a row in the THVote popularity poll.

So why do I still play it after all this time? Because I genuinely just want to see what they do next. I like seeing what new takes on characters they come up with, I like seeing where the story goes, what the next event will be and I love Rote's art and all the other art contributed by the JP community, I even think the Hifuu and RoM section of the story is genuinely good. It's nice to have a constant and reliable stream of Touhou media to read through in-between the wait for actual new games.

Somehow I don't feel that guy in the middle would want to come on livestreams 3 and a half years after launch if he didn't find it fun, same goes for all the artists and doujin circles that have contributed their art and music, especially those with more than one card or song.

If you want anyone to blame, blame GoodSmile for publishing this game and making this the complete extent they're willing to promote it and Touhou as a whole. (Last new character from them was a Reisen nendo from six years ago btw!)

In conclusion, I think LW has objectively done more good for the series than harm. You can not understate the fact that this game is responsible for introducing Touhou to so many new people and giving the spotlight to characters that are otherwise overlooked. Inaccurate character portrayals are rarely an issue when the series embraces differentiating itself from the source material, that's the nature of doujin culture. That and it seems silly to try and gatekeep people who got into the series through Lost Word, telling them they're experincing it wrong only serves to turn them away and I don't blame newcomers when official touhou media is still hard to come across in the west and the three most popular games in the series still don't have a digital release.

As a tangent, I used to have a problem with how Aya was depicted in a lot of fan media, even from people here, but a friend taught me I shouldn't let those alternate interpretations ruin my enjoyment of her and that I shouldn't fault them for seeing her that way. I feel others should be able to learn from that.

(I definitely forgot some stuff but this is ranty enough as is, I just wanted to get it out of my system)

[writerblue275]

Favorite Media Music in no Particular Order Pt 1.

Inspiration: I just really wanted to do this lol. Music plays such a critical role in media (at least to me). When media has great music, it really enhances it for me. (I put part 1 because seriously I could do so many more of these lmao.)

Genre: Random List hehe.

TW: Me swearing? Otherwise a lot of these pieces don’t even have lyrics.

1. Counsel of Condemnation (Cyno Theme) - Genshin Impact

Listen this straight up slaps. I don’t even play Genshin Impact lmao! Though some of my lovely moots are into it, so I’ve been exposed through them. The song alone slaps and I need people to go watch his character demo. The General Mahamatra is not someone to be fucked with and his music expresses that really well! It’s ever so slightly sinister, but still up beat once things get going.

2. Viego, The Ruined King | Champion Theme - League of Legends

Riot managed to somehow completely encapsulate the arc and tragedy of Viego’s story in 4.5 minutes. From the death of his brother, putting him on the throne, the whirlwind fairytale of his romance with Isolde, and all the events leading to ruination. This piece manages to tug on my heartstrings in so many ways. Brilliantly done!

3. Taliyah, the Stoneweaver - League of Legends: Season 6

This piece is hopeful, beautiful, driving, and has little moments throughout the music that show Taliyah’s adventures across Runeterra. The build ups to the energetic points of the music are also just mesmerizing. To quote one of her voice lines: “Keep your eyes on the horizon and your feet on the ground.” (Love love love that she trained under Yasuo btw that’s such a good lore point.)

4. A Bicentennial (the Progress Day theme) - Arcane Episode 4.

When I say I literally gasped as the first peak of this song played when Heimerdinger opened the doors to show Jayce the majesty of Piltover post-timeskip, I fucking mean it. That moment left me breathless and it’s when I truly fell in love with the show (even though I really liked it before that point). But the low string leading into the HORNS. And the strings just do such an incredible job accompanying them as we’re shown around the new Piltover. The Piltover with HexTech. I also love the secondary swell as we see the sequence of the airship being sent to a different area of Runeterra via HexGate. It’s SO COOL.

5. Light of the Seven - Game of Thrones S6 Ep. 10

I distinctly remember watching this episode live one Sunday night with my parents and getting CHILLS as this song played over the introductory moments of the episode. The progression and rising intensity of the song fits the chaos as the viewer (and some of the characters) realize WTF is going on. And it’s incredible. Haunting.

6. Dragon Age Inquisition Theme - Dragon Age Inquisition

This song makes me feel like I can fly. (In fact I highly recommend listening to it as you’re taking off in an airplane. It’s great.) the transition from the slow intro into the drums is SO GOOD. And then the strings kick in again it’s just PERFECTION. Love this game and what an fantastic theme to go with it!

7. FAIRY TAIL Main Theme - Fairy Tail

One of the first anime I ever got into and from the moment I started watching I was like…YO THE MUSIC SLAPS. It’s so hopeful and epic! Every time the theme kicked in I was just like YESSSS HERE WE GOOOO.

8. He’s a Pirate - Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

This one is SUCH a classic. One of my favorites to play in orchestra too. (Woot woot to any violists out there!) Just one of the most recognizable media themes and it’s phenomenal. There are so many moments from the scores of those films that I love.

9. Anakin vs. Obi-Wan - Star Wars Ep. III: Revenge of the Sith

The battle scene between Anakin and Obi-Wan on Mustafar is one of the scenes that defined my childhood. The incorporation of the “Imperial March” theme is perfect, showing that Anakin really has gone to the dark side at this point. This entire piece is emotional and at points, chaotic. Which it should be. The BRUTAL battle between master and apprentice. Also just knowing what’s happening to Padme and stuff. OOF MY HEART.

10. It’s Over Isn’t It? | Steven Universe

Yo Steven Universe has SO MUCH GOOD MUSIC it’s amazing. But this song specifically makes me SOB. DeeDee Magno Hall puts so much emotion into Pearl’s vocals. So much so the show even reanimated that part of the episode to better match her vocals. You truly feel Pearl’s unresolved grief here.

11. Test Drive - How to Train Your Dragon

This is such a magical piece! Accompanying Hiccup flying on Toothless, this song makes me happy. And the main thematic elements are just so beautifully grand. And the part when Hiccup just goes like “fuck the manual” and trusts his gut? That with the majesty of the music gives me chills and makes me smile EVERY TIME.

12. Trust Each Other - Game of Thrones S6 Episode 9.

Damn the music from this show is so good, but especially S6. This plays during the “Battle of the Bastards” (Jon Snow vs Ramsey Bolton). This music plays at a very critical point in the episode and it’s perfect for capturing the energy there. Also I love how it has the GOT opening motif throughout, though it’s adjusted to fit the situation in the north.

13. Duel of the Fates - Star Wars Ep. I: The Phantom Menace

The TENSION IN THIS SONG. One of my favorite pieces from the Star Wars universe. The urgency and stakes are conveyed SO WELL through the music. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan vs. Darth Maul is such an AMAZING fight scene with incredible music.

14. Kingdom Dance - Tangled

THe second half of this piece makes me want to get out my flower crowns and Renn Faire attire and go dance in a field of wildflowers. Bonus points if it’s in the rain! What a beautiful and fun piece that helps to show off Rapunzel’s first festival experience! Also the way the music helps build up the cute moments between her and Flynn Rider!! Listen as a fanfic writer, this scene is something I live for and the music is a big part why.

15. Rewrite the Stars - The Greatest Showman

Listen the lyrics to this song are fucking phenomenal angsty fanfic fuel. Like come on now. Also I love a good romance-related song in a musical. Like god damn I really have been a romantic for a long-ass time 😂. But also this song is just really good! The harmonies for the bridge and final chorus are truly EXCELLENT.

This is such a random list I decided to post just because! But I hope you enjoy! And I’d love to hear your favorite media-based music! 💙

[spop-romanticizes-abuse]

A lot of Catradora fans I've met feel uncomfortable enjoying any media that is in any way problematic, and that's fine. However, it also means that if they were to acknowledge that Catradora is problematic, they wouldn't allow themselves to enjoy the parts of She-Ra that were good. I'm wondering if this contributes to how unwilling some of them are to see the problems with Catradora.

that could definitely be it. i used to have that problem, i would gloss over certain problematic parts of a media just because i enjoyed said media otherwise. but it's just not ideal. we must be willing to watch and enjoy a piece of media critically, instead of acting like the problematic parts aren't problematic, and thus contributing to the problem.

this applies for so many things. lots of people are fans of classic novels, but it still needs to be acknowledged that those novels were most likely racist, sexist or reflected the author's bigoted views in some way. you can't just act like it wasn't.

so yeah, it's still possible to enjoy SPOP while admitting that it wasn't perfect. i don't completely hate the show either. i do have a lot of issues with it, but it did have some good writing and some likeable characters. you don't have to support its views a 100% in order to enjoy watching it. it's okay to watch something with problematic elements, even enjoy it, so long as you acknowledge it.

[cityscry]

Dailys

I have had a strong desire to post frequently on some artistic space but have routinely given up after feeling pressure from who sees it. Often I would post on a page linked to my social medias or otherwise in a way where people I know in real life could see. But I think to truly feel comfortable I can't stew in the thoughts about the myriad of different types of friends I have. Especially comparing online to in person. My online friends have always been a bittersweet truth that I show a much deeper part of myself to them, one that I find increasingly difficult to explain, even though I am finding more confidence and love in my life. So this page will be for me to not think about who reads. . .

Ive needed to discuss with myself what the musical process looks like, because I feel it is far more deceptive and magical than anyone ever told me. My mom has given me one year to fully explore music and try to make it my career. I'm on month 2 by now, and I am constructing the vision. I will hoard my songs and discuss them here, but not publish them for a little while. I have a dream of collecting many songs until albums clearly form themselves, so I can put the proper amount of emotional weight into each piece.

The past two years I have been living in Toronto, trying to work and pursue music at the same time, and it was a total failure. I fell hard into my addictions (weed, junk food, self-flagellation) and had to move back home to handle them. I now smoke in the evenings and have sober days for the first time in so long, I forgot how chronic my addiction was. Finally able to work out for the first time in my life and my mindset is much clearer and nicer. I really thought a good mindset would result in me finishing the work I have hoarded over the past two years, but it has not. I still fear the work I've done that feels most powerful to me, because I want it to sound right and complete. So I am trusting that the moments will come to me, and I work on whatever is coming day to day. I do not want to become like some of my favourite artists who have songs that are perfect, but a minute long (skipper - alex g) or structurally beautiful but only one chorus and verse. It is my greatest fear

This is the curse of a whole-to-parts thinker + perfectionist, but I am sure I can turn this to a blessing, because I will not do things halfway. I believe in this too much.

[novemberhope]

🌿 🧩

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

Do something else for a change and don't force it. Or try something new. It sometimes helps to write differently, like instead of using word, to write directly in... idk the tumblr text box. Or write it on pretty paper with your favorite pen. I don't know why this makes a difference but sometimes it does. Or ask a friend to work on it together, maybe they can give you prompts or write paragraphs you struggle with or give advice. It also helps a lot if there's interest. I wrote a fic once where I got lot's of positive comments on ff.net and that made my fly through the chapters because suddenly I was super motivated. Chose a friend to discuss things with in depth because talking about your favorite piece of media and characters for hours will certainly help. Or rewatch/reread for a bit. Or of this one story just won't flow, try an au, try writing for a different character, write a short story, use a prompt creator and write something like that. Make up a new oc and try again. If you speak multiple languages, try another language. You can always translate later. I think if it's a time problem it's a bit more difficult because if you have very little time and try to fit your writing in that small half and hour you have left in your day, that's going to be exhausting. If it's a lack of ideas and/or motivation, the changes might be better that any of these tips might work.

🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately? the typical Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Mary Sue character I guess. Back in the day when I was reading HP fanfic and there was a character like that, possibly with bright blue hair and pink eyes, being extremely skilled at everything, everyone is immediately in love with them and so on... idk it feels so foreign (at least for me) in the typical Hogwarts setting with all the british normal looking students. Otherwise... idk obviously things I'm not comfortable with or characters I dislike as the main characters... strange formating, like Y: bla bla bla X: bla bl bla *x and y go into the room* Grammar and spelling don't need to be perfect but at the very least the author should have used a spellchecker and I have to understand what I'm reading. Certain tropes or kinks I'm not into... character that are really not written like they're in the show/book and feel completely off or, you know, just "not feeling it". I start reading, the idea sounded good, but I keep reading and I'm just not really into it? Doesn't always mean the writing is not good but just that it's not for me. For the most part, I don't like crossovers. Expections are possible, but especially when I'm not a fan of all the included fandoms or if there are just too many characters I'm out. Or just... people I barely know sending me links to their fanfictions. Although everyone is welcome to my ask box with their fics and I might just read and love them when the timing is right, please don't be disappointed if I'm just not in the reading mood or that much into certain media at some points... and please don't keep sending new chapters, it's just overwhelming... I can always have the fanfiction site send me update emails if I want them or check myself if there are updates (ok that sounds harsh please do send your work if you want to, I'm honored, just... there's normal conversations and there's "too much", ya know?)

oh boy, how much did I write here? sorry for the wall of text...

[agirlisagunposts]

WHEN IS THE ALBUM DROPPING, FRANK?

Writer's block has become one of the most used phrases among artists in popular culture. Referenced in interviews, song lyrics and social media, the term is no longer restricted to literature and is understood to describe a usually temporary feeling in which an artist, in any art form, feels unable to produce works in the fine arts, music, literature and film. This is not to be confused with feeling uninspired, it is rather the compelling "fear of losing creativity" as Compton-born rapper Kendrick Lamar puts it in his song FEAR. This identity crisis-inducing fear within the arts is devastating as being perpetually ingenious is important in the lives of artists.

While it is true that creating is influenced by feeling inspired by the life you are living; the works of other creators; as well the randomness of the thoughts stored in our brain's cache (and sometimes the combination of these reasons can lead artists to creating genre-defining works, unstimulating works, or nothing at all) this cannot be entirely attributed to why artists extend into periods of abyss. When your purpose is to ideate, and your brain has been buffering for years, what then affirms your sense of meaning and contribution in society?

Loosely explained, writers block is caused by a cocktail of consumerism and imposter syndrome. Associating music and literature with market value has pressured artists into creating more often in order to earn more, much to the descent of the quality of art... as your average commerce friend would explain. This pressure to write poetry, complete sequels and record albums to make a living means artists do not produce for passion, they produce for financial incentive. As a result, they run out of unique, personal experiences to share. Writer's block in music often looks like artists disbanding from the industry for years, or they resort to creating disappointing variations of what already exists in mainstream music. If you were wondering why the musical duo "The Carters" was not successful despite fans desperately yearning for more music from Jay-Z after his personal album 4:44, it is because fans love Jay-Z for his unique storytelling and relatable narratives, whereas songs APESHIT, BOSS, and HEARD ABOUT US by The Carters flaunted the all too familiar trap style of hip-hop that emphasizes catchy beats and exaggerated wealth over communicating impactful messages - what I believe is antonymous to innovating.

Otherwise, artists just do not feel good enough for themselves. Many writers, painters, and filmmakers have hundreds of drafts because their product does not feel perfect. The idea that artists need to not only translate their life experiences into a single transformative piece whose style is relevant enough, but also ensure that people across the world are receptive to their story, makes many artists blank out for years when presented with a blank canvas. Final products are overrated!

So, the next time you spam Frank Ocean and Rihanna's comments with album requests or feel you miss the old Drake - consider the context artists are forced to keep up with. But trust me, I too need a new Frank album to cry in the shower to.

[princesscolumbia]

Putting this last reblog on blast because it's 100% correct. Even if I didn't infodump this would be worth the reblog on its own.

Don't try to be like something else that is popular. You'll never capture as much of that market share, period (I'd explain it but I'd need charts, graphs, and an easel), and you'll never break out of that demographic to people you could have otherwise had as your audience.

"Lesbian necromancers in space" is a perfect encapsulation of everything TLT. There are lesbians, there are necromancers, and it happens in space, and the venn diagram of the three concepts overlaps in surprising and confusing and surprisingly confusing and confusingly surprising ways and the absolute infodump those four words tells you about TLT as well as the many, many, MANY questions it leaves you with is the perfect analog to reading the books themselves. You get all you expected, you get more, every time you think on it or re-read it something jumps out at you that you didn't expect and couldn't have anticipated, but even on your (twenty) fifth re-read you STILL won't know everything you could possibly want, there will STILL be dangling plot threads, and there were STILL be so many unanswered questions and somehow Tasmuir makes it work and you're completely fine with all those unanswered questions.

If you try to replicate this formula for ANYTHING ELSE and change even one thing, you will LOSE WHAT MAKES TLT "THE LOCKED TOMB."

I absolutely adore Star Trek and still yearn to be an officer in Starfleet because they Boldly Go. I love Ranma 1/2 even with all it's 1980s problematic garbage because at its core it's about teens in love and Gender™ is a problem and they're all being Young and Dumb and Ranma don't lose and you just wish you could grab them by their shoulders and tell them to just talk to each other and OMG they're just so adorably disastertastic. She-ra was pivotal both as a baby-gay in the 1980s and coming into my gender and sexual identity in the 2010s-2020s. Sailor Moon gave me a teenage superhero who was a girl and still did girly things but could break the goddamn universe over her knee but didn't because even though she had power she had wisdom and courage and these were things I desperately wished I had growing up (even the "who was a girl" part, which I was never allowed to be). My Little Pony started as fun and whimsy and pastel playtime and ended up being a deep dive into interpersonal relationships, the meaning of love and care and appreciation, the intricacies of the human (yes, human) condition, and the understanding that "phenomenal cosmic power" does not equal an easy button for life. And The Locked Tomb was about being a completely fucked up moron at Life™ and 'you are NOT The One' and god-damn sister but you need to hydrate and take a nap but fuck me if the world isn't ending and there's bad guys to kill and girls to kiss and you can't take 'loved' away.

Star Trek is not Ranma 1/2 is not She-ra is not Sailor Moon is not My Little Pony is not The Locked Tomb.

And most importantly, they don't try to be.

(Yes, I know Trek influenced She-ra which influenced anime and came before Ranma and Sailor Moon and both of those influenced the new She-ra and MLP was parallel and borrowing from them all and Ranma is canonical within MLP and The Locked Tomb is the many-generations removed descendent of all those pop culture references and more. That's influence, not imitation.)

Each of these are powerful, influential pieces of media in their own right and if the creators had tried to jam one into the other (yes, yes, insert Gideon "Tower Prince" Nav making an insertion joke, then doubling down and making another joke about inserting an insertion joke into a joke about insertion) then the following piece of media would be just that...following. It would never get out of the shadow of its predecessor and never be able to do something the previous franchise didn't, no matter how good it is.

Don't believe me?

You know that really, really good sci-fi show Orwell that got started just before the pandemic and managed to be really phenomenal and thought provoking and had stellar character arcs and careful examination of the problems that face our society today?

Explain Orwell without mentioning Star Trek.

As good as it's become, with as many risks as its willing to take to stand on its own that the show has taken, sad to say it will always be baby sister to Trek and everyone will look at Orwell and wonder when Seth McFarlane became a captain of a Starfleet ship.

Don't try to be "The next Star Wars."

Don't try to be "The next Jane Austin."

Be the next you, be the best version of you and make the best thing that you can make.

[protestgradedunit]

Graded Unit Brief 

In response to the graded unit brief ‘Protest’ I will be exploring the idea of a ‘taboo’, specifically the general expectations of privacy relating to intimate spaces, sexuality, eroticism, trauma and womanhood. All of the previously listed topics intersect as part of my lived experience. Exploration into how these experiences converge will be a particular focus during the project. 

My research for the project begins with contemporary artists who challenge the expectations of their disciplines with their work, namely Marcel Duchamp’s Readymades and Tracey Emin’s entire body of work, which is specifically fed by the artist’s traumatic experiences of womanhood. 

Carrying on from my block 1 and 2 developments, I will continue to use writing and language as the basis of my work. A prevalent theme that ran through my previous exploration was relationships and the introspection and reflection by me, upon them. I will continue to take inspiration from text works by digital artist Sotce whose work makes up part of a new movement on social media where women are using text and picture-based ‘memes’ to express otherwise private thoughts, especially concerning their relationships whether they are romantic or platonic. I have taken particular inspiration from Phillips Vandenberg’s text work, which is usually written in French. The work, perceived by an English speaker, takes on a new meaning where text isn’t understood as language but as shapes and configurations of the alphabet. Furthermore, inspired by the work of John Baldessari, I would like to explore the idea of obscuring the meaning of a piece behind its literal imagery.

I would like to work with video more as a medium during this unit, as I enjoyed beginning to explore how language, sound and visuals could all be married together within a video piece. The medium of video will allow me to explore the ideas of a ‘taboo’ and the implications of privacy that come with them. My initial ideas include the recording of mundane tasks which are usually performed out of the public eye, such as cleaning, sleeping and ‘rotting’, defined in the contemporary sense as ‘antisocial hibernation’. With the prevalence of social media and the increasing degree to which young people are sharing their lives in formats such as ‘vlogs’ and ‘photo dumps’ I am interested in delving into the fictitious nature of both - where the creator usually endeavours to create the illusion of a perfect life or a ‘perfectly messy’ life for the consumer. This concept of fictitiousness harks back to the text work explored through my research, which will link the visuals of the work back to the issues they explore. 

I plan to invest more time into the research and development of the work. I feel that the best way to develop my work, based on my methodology in the ‘body as site’ unit is to reflect upon each piece of work and compare it to my original concept. This will allow for reflection that will guide the development of my work while ensuring I am staying faithful to my intentions for the body of work I will create. As I found myself short on time to complete my work at the end of the last unit, I will enforce a deadline for the completion of wider research and development to allow for the final piece to be drafted, constructed and reflected upon so that alterations can be made if need be, which I felt I was unable to do for my final work for block 2 due to time constraints.

Several considerations must be made before beginning the project and creating work, such as the cost of materials needed for creating physical work and the equipment I will need to create digital work. To mitigate any potential problems I may face, budgeting and careful planning will be important, as well as the use of all materials available to me in the college such as rentable video recording equipment.

My intention for this project as a whole is to create work, which will include two final pieces that express my feelings about the current climate of the world relating to expectations of privacy and vulnerability. The power of the work will lie with the reactions of the viewer, which will be as reflective as my journey to make the work will have been. Within this, I will explore my existing relationships and hopefully establish new relationships with my audience through the work’s relatability and vulnerability.

[cl0ckworkpuppet]

hold your horses!

while yes i do think that good characterization is important to progressing in the development of good writing, we also have to keep a couple things in mind when writing (and reading):

(before we start, i want to point out this resource if you need help writing characters consistently, or staying in-character! it mostly focuses on writing your own characters, but i find these helpful even for fanfiction)

(and also sorry for the long post ahead but i think it's important to say these things, TL;DR will be at the bottom)

perfect (or even just good) characterization is really hard, actually. if i had a nickel for every time i've read a fic i've genuinely enjoyed where i thought "they would not fucking say that" at least once, i'd be wealthy. but if i had a nickel for every time i've struggled to write or think of something a character would do or say in a specific situation, i'd be filthy rich! it's okay to fumble and fuck up, especially if you're new to the series/character, and especially if you're a beginner or even intermediate writer. hell, even some works considered canon or canon-adjacent aren't characterized perfectly!

try to keep in mind the setting, conflict, and duration of a fic or AU. if a character is a different age as they're presented in canon (example: the character has grown older by a few decades), they're going to express their personality traits differently or they might have adopted new traits entirely. if a character has been written facing an especially traumatic event, that might impact their personality, making them act in ways not portrayed in canon. if an AU takes place in a completely different universe with different rules, occupations, etc., parts of their personality might transfer over in ways that don't exactly align. if a fic has a ton of words and many chapters, character progression isolated to the fic that might not happen in canon is inevitable. in these instances and others like it, even dramatic changes can be okay depending on how they're written and i think it's good to explore ideas like these!

fix-it fics exist, and whether or not you like them, they can be interesting explorations of how other people would direct canon. to some, they can be a way to take a series they already love, or want to love more, and make it better suited for their palette. for others, it can just be a creative outlet for asking the question "if i wrote this series, what would it look like?". i know that a lot of people do not like the idea of fix-it fics, and by no means am i saying you must like them or think they're good, but i also don't think we should be discouraging people from an entire sect of creative expression just because it isn't exactly like canon (otherwise most headcanons would also be thrown out with it)

a lot of OCs, in my experience and the experience of many people I've spoken to (note the bias of a limited scope, and if you have different experiences please feel free to let me know), have either been inspired by, directly based on, or an evolution of a pre-existing character from some piece of media. in some cases, characters can be taken from one source, slowly evolved, and then get transformed into their own character to the point where the two characters become completely separate. this is a process which I think shouldn't be discouraged whatsoever, once again because it stifles creativity, but also because it may reduce the number of OCs we get. counterpoint: "if you want to write a character so different, just make your own character!" → saying this is typically in a hostile manner, yes, but more importantly it usually comes with an implicit 'one or the other' mentality. it will encourage people to stick to either staying true to canon OR making their own character, completely ignoring or outright shaming the evolution process that bridges these two options. character development over time isn't just about the story itself, it's also about how that character is created and changes in the head of the author! (if you've ever heard of a story that started out as a fanfiction, these also fall under this category)

some cases of apparent author mischaracterization may come from the character themselves having unclear traits or motives, the author not having read everything in canon or canon-adjacent material (not having read every story, watched every video, known every spinoff or every piece of information, etc.), the author's misunderstanding of the character, the author's projection onto the character, or any countless number of reasons that may not be associated with poor writing skills (although that may be a factor and that's also nothing to be ashamed of). it could also come with the reader misinterpreting the fic or the character themselves for any of the above reasons, and that's also perfectly okay. please remember that characters, just like the themes of the stories from which they come, are up to artistic interpretation

a lot of mischaracterization happens with beginner authors, and for that reason i don't think this is a trait of fanfic writing that should be shamed. a dedicated author who will become great one day will learn from any mistakes and will look back on their past work and see how far they've come. i know WAY too many instances of writers either foregoing a work, or would-be writers foregoing writing entirely, because of their fear of this issue. i say if they make those mistakes, so what? it might make the fic unappealing to someone, but they can just. close out of the fic if it's not vibing with them? not to be that guy but if a fic is truly that terribly written then it's so much easier to just find a better one than to shame amateur writers

i want to challenge that the "point of fanfic etc is putting ur favourite little guys in situations" by proposing that there is no "point of fanfic". fanfiction is an art form just like writing (of which it is a subsect) or any other form of art, really. fanfic is whatever you make it to be. it's a love letter to something you enjoy, to characters you resonate with (or want to watch explode, or both), and to anything else that brings you happiness within the media you consume. narrowing fanfiction down even to this seemingly broad point removes a lot of fanfiction from the label of "fanfiction" that would otherwise be included

finally, it's difficult to define where the line of "in-character" versus "out-of-character" is in a way that literally everyone can agree on. that's why there are so many anti-AU reblogs on this post. what constitutes being "OOC" changes from person to person, and unless you are literally the creator of the characters and can get it right every single time, there will always be someone out there shouting at their screen that you wrote them "bad" or "wrong". you physically cannot please everyone, so please don't break your back trying to do so. it'll only burn you out faster and stop you from doing things you want to do.

and OP, i don't actually blame you for making this post; it's something that i think everyone needs a reminder of every now and again, especially if they spend a lot of time reading or writing fanfic. i've come to find that adopting this perspective has opened up my palette to fanfics that i otherwise would have mocked or skipped over, fics that ended up actually being something i really liked.

TL;DR: you don't have to get characters perfect the first time. there are good reasons for not constantly writing in-character. characters themselves are up to interpretation. fanfiction does not have to be perfect, especially if you're a beginner to writing or the series.

and most importantly, if you want to, write those characters so out of character that they become unrecognizable. don't let anyone tell you that you can't

in general i would say that “it’s not fun if they’re totally unrecognisable” is my fandom thesis. like the point of fanfic etc is putting your favourite little guys in situations. where’s the appeal if they’ve been through so many fanon spin cycles that they’re barely even your guys anymore

[finelinevogue]

he’s so vogue

Description - you are the journalist for the new Harry Styles December Vogue Issue

A/N - how is everyone doing? hope you enjoy! if you have any requests please feel free to ask. love you all and have a lovely rest of the week!

warnings: swearing

[masterlist]

Being a journalist for Vogue was probably the biggest flex you could ever make.

After 3 years of studying English Literature at Surrey University, you never thought, only a year after, you'd be working as an apprentice at Vogue UK. If it weren't for your Aunty, who worked in the fashion design section at Vogue HQ, then you'd no doubt still be a broke-ass, single, lonely student. Ok, lonely you still were but your job was so full-on that you didn't have time for a relationship.

Two years into your apprenticeship you were promoted to an official member of the team, and then another two years later you got promoted to team leader in your department of journalism, and editing; The Media - or as you like to call it - "The Celeb Goss". You were beyond happy with your job and found such passion in every article your wrote. Whether it be about a new celebrity romance or the collapse of one, you found a way to story-tell in such a meditated way that everyone loved your pieces.

That's why the Harry Styles had requested you to be the one to interview him.

Of course you'd written about A-list celebrities in the past, producing articles on pregnancy rumours, or engagements, or breakups, but you'd never met them before authoring an article. You'd met plenty of D-list celebrities who thought they were mega famous, but if you mentioned their names people would turn around and ask "who?".

This is why interviewing Harry Styles was a massive thing for you.

Not very often did you get to do work out in the field, especially in these covid infested days, but nevertheless it was your favourite part of the job. Getting to meet the people you were writing about was completely refreshing, allowing you to obtain a clearer outlook on which direction to take on your journal piece.

You were asked to go to Stonehenge, where the photoshoot was being filmed, as your office of interview. Even though you'd lived in the UK all your life, you'd never actually been to Stonehenge. It wasn't really on your bucket-list, but it was a pleasure to get to see it all the same.

Being the prepared interviewer you were, you'd prepared an array of questions that you were set on asking Harry. You'd never met him before, but after much googling and youtubing of him prior to meeting him today you would already be confident in saying he's the most brilliant man to ever exist. You were really nervous that you were going to screw this interview up and make a terrible mess in front of Harry Styles.

"Lisa! What if I accidentally say something I shouldn't?" You ran your stressed hands through your hair.

This whole morning had been frantic. It had started off by you waking up late, no thanks to Lisa, your best-friend and co-worker, pressing snooze on the alarm. You wanted to look professional today so you'd put on your best shirt - only to spill coffee down it ten minutes later. So now, you smelt of coffee and were wearing what was left in your wardrobe - and it wasn't much. The only things left clean were a pair of pink corduroy flares and some, pastel coloured, graphic t-shirt to go with it.    

"You won't. Stop being so negative." Lisa rolled her eyes, probably fed up with the amount of winging she'd heard from you this morning - and you'd only been awake an hour.

"My outfit is hardly professional either." You huffed, pouring the rest of your, second, coffee down the drain.

"Well I think you look gorgeous." Lisa stated, whilst putting her breakfast bar wrapper in the bin.

You and Lisa were back and forth about you stressing, and such, for about half an hour before you had to leave. You had a great panic about losing your glasses too. You could see without them up close, but for long distance viewing and reading you were practically blind. You were taking Lisa's car, since she didn't think you were emotionally stable enough to drive. Lisa was the creative director on the set, and thank goodness she was so you could at least ramble to someone.

After a two hour drive up from London, you arrived at Stonehenge and it was freezing. Although the sun was out, it did nothing to keep your body heated. The journey up had been nice because you sat in your nicely heated car, chatting away with Lisa and blasting some Harry Styles out of the speaker. You'd made it through the first album, and the second one up to Canyon Moon before reaching your destination.

Upon arriving you could just about, without glasses, make out about 15 other cars, arranged at the bottom of a hill. There was an array of Audis and BMWs, a few Range Rovers, which you placed your bets on one was Harrys, and a green, vintage, Jaguar which was most likely belonging to the fashion editor or something. There was also a modern barn, perched at the foot of the hill, which was where Harry would be getting changed in to his various different outfits.

It took you a moment to register that Lisa had parked and was already clambering out of the car, making you look a little idiotic still blankly staring at the beautiful scenes in front, and around, of you.

But it was still bloody freezing.

You jogged a little to the boot and whipped out your white cardigan. Originally you'd thought that this would've been enough to keep you warm, but now you were starting to think otherwise.

The atmosphere here was amazing. People were rushing around left, right and centre loading, and unloading, various pieces of equipment and clothes. You caught sight of brightly coloured fabrics being carried to and from various places. There were the camera crew, and presumably director, all chatting amongst themselves. The smell of the very fresh air was so lush that you'd forgotten what it smelt like - especially after years in London.

You grabbed your bag from the boot, which had your notes, recording kit and laptop stuffed inside, before locking the car and following Lisa in to the barn.

It was lovely and warm inside - a completely different climate to than the outside. It was as if it was Bali inside and Antarctica outside. Better Bali than Antarctica though.

"Ok. Let's put our stuff down over here and then go find people we need to meet and such." Lisa instructed, you still too in awe of the place to fully comprehend what was going on.

You followed Lisa and you two ended up dropping off your stuff next to some other bags. You took a liking to the purse next to your stuff. Next to your bag, it made yours seem ancient - like it was worth nothing more than a penny. It was luscious and a beautiful baby blue colour. You softly ran your hands over it, finding satisfaction in how smooth and subtle it was.

"Hope you're not planning on stealing that, love." A manly voice appeared from behind you. You whipped around to see who's bag you'd been messing with, and it was just your luck that it was to be Harry Styles'. Of all the people's it could've been it had to be his. 

Perfect.

He looked dashing. He was in black flares and his iconic 'But daddy i love him', t-shirt, along with a huge green anorak. His hair was prettily clipped back with a pink clip, presumably placed there to gave his curls greater volume. In his hand he had a pink toothbrush and you guessed he'd come back over to put it away in his bag - only to find you caressing it instead.

"Oh - no, no. Not at all. I - uh - I just thought it was beautiful." You stammered over your words, choosing them carefully to try and make you look less like an active criminal.

"Mhm." Harry nodded whilst looking you up and down, most likely judging why a peasant like you, in comparison to him, was touching his expensive property. "Well, I love your flares darlin'." Harry looked down at your trousers, his compliment making you blush a little.

"Thank you. That wasn't professional, and neither is my outfit, I know, and I apologise." You added, because you knew that if your boss knew you turned up today the way you did she would give you a right bollocking - and potentially even fire you.

"Never apologise for flares. You look amazing." Gemma perked up, making you feel more self conscious surrounded by all these other beautiful women. Gemma was in a slouchy, knitted, jumper and basic jeans - no doubt all from shops beyond your budget - and yet she looked like a model fit for the runway for Vogue.

"Okay, sorry." You apologised again, to which you, creepily, got the exact same, stern, look from the Styles siblings at the same time.

"My stylist, Harry, introduced me to big pants. He offered whether I wanted to try a pair of flares, and I was like, 'Flares? That's fucking crazy'!" Harry laughed as he told his story, earning a laugh out of you too. "Now they're my favourite item of clothing. Have a whole wardrobe dedicated to them."

"I wish he was joking." Gemma laughed at her brother and his flare obsession.

"Well you do look handsome in them, so I understand why." Your words rolls off your tongue before you could even comprehend what you were saying. Only after you finished your sentence did you completely intake what you'd just said.

"Good start." Lisa giggled to you, before turning to walk over to the coffee station. It was a help-yourself coffee bar and you knew that you were going to bed at least five cups to get over the last five minutes alone. You'd probably drain the station before letting anyone else have any.

"Oh god." You awkwardly mumbled, not daring to see how weirdly Harry would be looking at you, before walking off outside.

You had spent less than 10 minutes here and yet you'd never felt like a bigger clown. Joining the circus had never been so easy.

The outside wind hit you like a powerful leaf blower, and your hair blew around like crazy - most likely compiling into a birds nest on the top of your head.

Today was supposed to be the start of something great. Your hopes were set on a promotion from your written masterpiece, whilst enjoying the company of one of the most handsome, most lovely, most talented men of this century. Those hopes seemed a little too distant now. They seemed to mock you, as if to laugh at how you ever thought you were going to be any more successful. You'd completely, in more ways than one, made a fool of yourself in front of your interviewee, you were so underdressed, you were caught fondling his Gucci purse and you were still bloody cold.

It all felt too unprofessional for a job where professional was practically the driving force of the company.

You leaned against the barn, taking a deep breath to try and calm yourself. You were a master in over-thinking, but unfortunately that wasn't something you could add to your resumé. You let your eyes close and the other senses come alive for a few moments. The sounds of distant sheep and the smell of the cold wind were just two of the senses that allowed you to take a step back for a minute, and breathe.

"Thank you." A voice interrupted you from your attempt of quick meditation. You looked to your left and noticed Harry standing there, still in the same outfit as before.

"I'm sorry?" You asked confused, taking a step away from the barn to considerately pay more attention to him.

"Thank you - for saying I look handsome in flares." He repeated, smirking when he added the second part.

"Oh." Was all you could respond, feeling too embarrassed to take the conversation any further. "I should—" You pointed back to the barn, using it as an excuse to leave before yet screwed up anymore.

"Lisa told me you're the interviewer." Harry added, and it only occurred to you that you'd never actually introduced yourself. "So it's lovely to finally meet you Y/N." He stuck out his hand for your to shake, which you did willingly. His hands were a lot softer than you'd expected.

"Ho... You know my name?" You asked surprised.

"Of course. I also know you're the best writer in Vogue right now." He flattered you, which made you blush. You had a feeling he'd make you do that a lot today.

"Sure." You rolled your eyes as you spoke sarcastically.

"Well I chose you for a reason, didn't I?" He rhetorically asked.

"I mean.. I, well.. I don't know?" You stumbled over your words, making yourself look like a larger fool than you did already. Today was just turning out to be exactly what you didn't want it to be. "Sorry."

"Stop apologising. You do it too often." He told you, nearly making you apologise again but he gave you a jokingly stern look, as if he knew what you were going to say, and so you decided otherwise.

"Harry!" You both turned to see there was a man waving towards you both, but specifically to Harry. "Come get changed!" The same man shouted. Harry lifted his thumbs up, as if to signal he'd be there shortly.

Harry turned back to you and noticed you shiver a little.

"I'll start the interview after I come back from the dressing rooms, yeah?" Harry asked, taking off his, khaki green, trench-coat in the process. He handed it to you before you could oblige against it.

"Wait what?" You confusedly looked down at the coat and back up to Harry.

"Gives me a piece of mind knowing my interviewer isn't going to die of hypothermia before actually interviewing me." He smiled, obviously attempting to crack a joke and you have to admit you did laugh.

"Thank you." You say, before he runs off to where he's being called to.

                                                            ••••

You'd been sat inside for a little while, waiting for Harry to come back. It gave you time to perfect your questions though.

Thinking up questions to ask Harry had been a challenging task, but one that you'd been fully invested in. You loved creating questions to ask him that were going to get to understand him on a deeper level. He was a very private man, and you completely respected that. If you crossed any boundaries, with the questions you'd ask, you would write them out of the interview. You liked to think you hadn't thought up a question that would make him feel uncomfortable though.

Pissing off Harry would be on another level of shame.

"Coat kept you warm?" Harrys voice disengaged you from your notebook.

"Hm?" You asked then replayed what he'd just asked in your mind. "Oh, yes. Thank you very much." You stood up, from where you'd been perched on the floor, picking up your nearly finished green tea as you did so.

Only when you stood up did it come to your realisation that Harry was now in costume. He was dressed in luxury. Each item looked like it cost more than your rent, and that was saddening. He looked rich and luxurious. To be quite honest, you were finding it rather difficult to take your eyes off him.

"You think the outfit is Vogue enough?" Harry asked, striking a few poses, which made you laugh. It was refreshing to see him act so relaxed and carefree, rather than a stuck-up-prick you knew some celebrities to be.

"Completely. I love it!" You exclaimed, appreciating the twirl he did for you.

He was wearing a kilt-like skirt and he looked beyond beautiful in it. Fuck toxic masculinity. Fuck being a manly man - like what does that even mean? Harry was embracing gender fluidity and experimenting the ways in which there was no definitive line between men and women's clothes anymore, and you thought it was marvellous. Revolutionary, for times as politically and socially troubled as these.

You started removing the coat in attempt to give it back to him, but he refrained you from doing so by holding on to your forearm.

"Keep it. I thought we could go outside to start the interview, so you'll be needing that." Harry told you, and you agreed - however reluctantly that was. You couldn't really complain though, because the coat did kept you warm and, what's better, it smelt divine - just like you'd imagine Harry to smell.

"Okay. Thank you. Do you want to go now?" You asked hesitantly, not knowing whether he was busy for someone else right now.

"Whenever you're ready, love." He answered, making you feel more relaxed. He was going at your pace and was making you feel settled - he was even more of a gentleman than people described him to be.

The two of you had walked around the backside of the barn in silence, enjoying the comfort of each other's presence. Well, at least you were. It was a blessing no one was back here. It was just you, Harry and the scenery that surrounded Stonehenge.

You approached a bench and you plopped yourself down on one end, whilst Harry sat on the other. He respected the fact that there was a pandemic going on, and didn't want to make you uncomfortable in any way. You still had your mask on, so Harry had taken that as you were very conscious about the virus - which he admired.

You pulled out your glasses, from the depths of one of the coat pockets, and placed them on your face, probably making yourself look even geekier than you already felt. Today was just one of those days you wished you had good eyes...

You opened your spent notebook, musty pages practically falling apart, and turned to the section of questions you needed for that interview. You were so nervous already and you hadn't even asked anything yet, all because of the previous interactions with Harry today. Your shaky hands shuffled through the pages and you cursed under your breath when you struggled to find what you needed.

"Shoot. Come on." You mumbled quietly under your breath, hoping it would make this terrible situation end faster. You mustn't have been as quiet as you thought though.

"Y/N." Harry's name broke through your clouded mind of self-disappointment.

You looked up at him to see him softly smiling at you, blowing all worries away from you away with the wind. "Yes?" You timidly asked, pushing your wind-swept hair out of glasses - where it'd gotten caught.

"You’re alright, love. You don't have to be professional around me, alright? We're just two strangers having a conversation, to get to know each other, okay?" If his words didn't calm you enough, the soothing sound of his husky voice certainly did.

"But that would mean you asking me stuff too?" You replied, confused at his implications of the phrasing 'getting to know each other'.

"Mhm." Harry nodded his head.

"Oh I don't know Mr Styles, i'm not a very interesting person." You answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, pushing your glasses back up the bridge of your nose from where they'd fallen.

"I refuse to believe that." Harry chuckled, making a quick smile appear on your face. "And please call me Harry. Just Harry." He begged, obviously finding it weird you calling him by his professional title. All you wanted, ever, was for your interviewee's to feel comfortable and safe, so if Harry wanted you to call him Harry then so be it.

"Ok, Harry," you sarcastically said, earning a shake of the head on his behalf, "you can ask me a few questions throughout the day." You told him, but you knew he'd struggle to find even two questions when he realises how bland you are.

"Does that mean you only get to ask me a few as well?" Harry smirked, already knowing the answer to that question. Unlike Harry, you had to write an article about today when you got home and so he knew that you'd have to dig as much dirt as possible from him.

"No, sorry. I don't particularly want to lose my job." You paused to look down at your notes, squinting a little as you did to see better. "Okay. Tell me your experience with corona virus."

"Sorry I didn't quite catch that, love." Harry apologised, leaning in slightly to see if he could hear you a second time around.

"Sorry." You looked down to fiddle with your fingers - a habit you'd undertaken when you're embarrassed. "Um..," you cleared your throat, "would you mind if I took off my mask?"

Your timid voice sent tingle down Harrys spine. He didn't think anyone could ever be this sweet. "Not at all, ‘course you can." He replied, again, wanting to make you feel as comfortable as possible.

You hesitantly took off your face mask, feeling like you were in some dramatic movie where they face revealed someone. You kind of liked having the mask on, because, for one, it kept you warm, and for two, you were a little self conscious with how you looked compared to all the other women here today. You shoved the mask in your pocket, with trembling fingers, before looking back down to your notes.

"Woah." You heard Harrys voice being mumbled under the wind. You eyes shot up to his and you noticed him staring right back at you.

"W-what? Is my acne playing up? I knew I should've—" You self-consciously run your hands over the areas you know you got acne. The masks really didn't help when it came to skin care.

"Hey, stop. No. You just... You look beautiful." Harry complimented you, and a roaring blush arose on to your cheeks. You'd never been called beautiful before, and so you were taking the compliment like such a 13-year old.

"Oh, uh, thank you." You awkwardly answered, not really having any other words come to mind in that moment. Harry chuckled under his breath, still keeping eyes on you for some reason.

"Would you mind repeating your last question, I didn't quite catch it?" Harry asked politely.

"Sure. Um, tell me how you've experienced corona virus." You repeated for him, gripping ahold of your pen to start copying what he says and pressing start on your recording device in case you needed it later.

"Well, it's been tedious that's for sure. However, I just want people to be safe and for life to return back to normal, so therefore i've been very MIA for a lot of the time. Keeping to myself mostly. I only went out for hikes or bike rides. All my meetings were online, so it's been very lonely." Harry kept eye contact with your figure the entire time, and if it weren't for you concentrating on writing what he was saying then you'd probably melt away under his gaze.

For such soft eyes he sure was intimidating.

"I presume the loneliness sent you crazy at times." You laughed, because you sure felt that way through lockdown. Curse being single.

"You have no idea." Harry laughed along with you, making you, slowly, feel more at ease.

"Actually, you'd be surprised." You looked at him unsure, before returning down to your notebook.

"Okay then, first question from me," Harrys words made your head shoot up, "How can someone as amazing as yourself be lonely?" He asked and you made a mental tally of how many questions he'd asked.

"Could ask you the very same question, Harry." You slyly replied, avoiding the question by answering with another question. It was a tactic you'd learnt, throughout your years of journalism, when you wanted to dismiss something .

"That's cheating." Harry pointed at you and raised his eyebrows, but you couldn't take your eyes off the big, cheeky, smile perched on his face. You shrugged you're shoulders in defence and returned to your questions. "But you did just call me amazing, so I think i'll let it slide this one time." You blushed, again, when you understood what he meant.

He was amazing though - that was the truth.

"You were in L.A. for the majority of quarantine, am I right to say?" You already knew the answer but your manager had just wanted confirmation.

"Yeah, but L.A. feels like holiday, whereas London feels like home." He answered, which you appreciated. He hasn't got lost in the way that Hollywood could let people. He'd stayed grounded.

"So what did you entertain yourself with during quarantine?" You asked curiously, slightly side-tracking from your pre-written questions - just because you were intrigued (nosey).

"Not much, not to be boring. I ate a lot of bread. I worked out pretty much every day. I wrote quite a bit actually." He used his fingers to pinch his bottom lip, something you'd noticed he did in interviews.

"Does that mean a new album on the way?" Your inner fangirl was screaming at the thought of HS3.

"Can neither confirm nor deny." Harry smirked to himself, like the cheeky bugger he is.

"That's a yes then." You joked, pretending to write it down in your notes.

"You're impossible, you." Harry laughed and shook his head. It made you feel all funny the way you could make him smile like that. You were the source of his happiness for just that moment, and that was enough to make you feel happy for a lifetime - not that he felt the same.

"Next question," you stated, moving swiftly on because you knew you had limited time, "How's your experience with Vogue been so far?"

"Wonderful. Everyone has been so welcoming and that makes it so much easier for me to have fun. It's daunting going at things alone, but i'm getting slowly used to it now." Harry sniffled a little, probably due to the freezing cold weather here.

"Must be strange, not having four best friends around you, all the time, anymore." You stated rather than asked him, sure that he was missing his bandmates. I mean, you were - so he definitely would be.

"Brothers." Harry replied, making you look up at him confused.

"I'm sorry?" You asked, giving him your full attention.

"You said four best friends. Well, actually they're my brothers." His words actually caused a rift in your heart. You could feel it being pulled apart and torn in to two. If you wrote this in to the magazine the fans would have a worldwide passing-away-party.

"Harry." You said softly, slightly tearing up at his words. "God, I swear i'm not normally this emotional." You chest your throat and try to establish your dignity - however there wasn't that much left anymore.

"Oh shut up." Harry looked away obviously trying to hide the fact that he was tearing up too. You laughed at him but didn't draw any more attention to it than you guessed he would've wanted.

"They mean a lot to you then?" You asked, hopefully not treading on any unwanted territories.

"Much more than a lot, yeah." Harry nodded his head, turning it back to face you. He could tell this conversation was now off-the-record because of your closed notebook, your undivided attention towards him and the fact you’d turned off the recording device. He liked being able to look at you, rather than the top of your head. He swore you were the prettiest girl he'd ever seen.

"You still see them often?" 

"Not as often as i'd like. Niall did come around the other week to drop off some old guitars he didn't want anymore, and then we ended up playing around with some music for a bit." He admitted, which stitched your heart back together.

"So does that mean a Narry collab?" You teased, biting your bottom lip in anticipation.

"Narry? You so are a directioner." He laughed along with you.

"And you just avoided my question, therefore there is a song out there written only by you and Niall." You concluded, which shut him up.

This conversation was going a lot better than expected. Certainly a lot better than earlier. You will be permanently scarred by the way you spoke to him and handled his belongings. It was going to haunt you forever - and yet he'd forget about it by tomorrow. Or maybe he wouldn't, which is why you felt the need to apologise.

"Harry?" You asked, clearly indicating this was still a conversation away from the interview.

"Yes Y/N?" He watched you intently, listening to your every word.

"I, um, just wanted to apologise for my behaviour earlier. I was just really nervous to meet you, and to be honest still am. I didn't mean to touch your stuff without your consent and I certainly didn't mean to make you uncomfortable with any of my comments. So, i'm sorry. I can only imagine the awful, yet true, things you must think of me." You rambled really quickly, that you were uncertain whether Harry even caught one word of what you'd says.

"Do you know why I asked for you to interview me Y/N?" Harry asked, which wasn't the first thing you expected him to say after your apology.

"No. I...well Lisa told me it was because I can write well or something." You suggested, not wanting to sound egotistical.

"I mean you do write perfectly, but no." You were intrigued now. "I asked for you because I, and this is not for your magazine, have a secret - but not-so-secret - crush on you." This time it was Harrys turn to blush.

"Harry... you don't have to say that to—"

"I'm not saying it for anything. I sincerely think you are the most delightful, most prettiest, most fucking sweetest person i've ever met." Harry exclaimed, which you were taken aback by. Never, ever, did you think that Harry Styles would proclaim his likeness towards you. Ever.

"Harry don't mess with me, please." You shyly spoke, tilting your head down in disbelief that the Harry Styles was smitten about you.

He shuffled along the bench, stopping a little way from you but close enough to reach out for you. Your heartbeat increased when you noticed his hand move closer towards you. It didn't stop till he reached your face. He took his time, courteously, pushing your hair behind your ear before removing you of your glasses. He held the right-eye frame and slowly pulled the glasses off your face.

Once he'd successfully taken them off he folded them up and placed them alongside your closed notebook.

"Can see those pretty eyes now." He whispered quietly, but loud enough for you to hear.

"Don't lie. They're so dull." You mumbled, lifting your head up slightly. His face was still away from you.

"Not to me they're not." He retaliated, looking deep into your eyes as you did his. "I hate this corona virus."

"Why?" His words were so out of the blue sometimes, it gave you whiplash.

"Because I can't be as near to you as I want to be." Harry told you. And yeah, you hated corona too. It was getting a little laborious now.

"Smooth, Styles." You chuckled. You wondered how many new and weird pick-up lines could be made from covid. 

"I know." He winked, which honestly would have made you throw up if it were any other man on the planet. Somehow, though, Harry just made it seem attractive - along with every other thing that man ever did. "After this, would you like to come back to my house for a cuppa tea?" He asked sweetly, like a five year old asking whether you wanted to play together.

"Okay. Lisa was my ride though." You said more to yourself than anything else, debating on how you'd even get to Harrys. Uber? Taxi? Lisa? Walk?

"I'll drive us, it's fine. I have to drop Gem off, but i'd be more than happy to chauffeur you." Harry kindly offered, to which you were internally screaming about. You were literally, and metaphorically, having a field-day with all this Harry content and interview.

"Are you sure? I don't want to be a burden." You question politely, not wanting to overstep any boundaries - especially in these covid infested times.

"Of course. I wouldn't have offered otherwise." He protested, waving his hand at if to say it was no bother. You were already trying to work out, in your head, how much petrol money you were going to owe him.

"Then i'd be honoured to have a brew with you Harry." You giggled at how cringe you were being, even if this was just your normal self speaking.

"Great." Harry genuinely smiled, teeth and all. "My shoot should take a couple of hours, but feel free to continue to write and journal. I'm looking forward to reading this particular article." He winked at you before standing up.

"Wonder why?" You sarcastically asked, knowing full-well it was due to his exposure of his own feelings towards you. Even though you'd never says anything back you were quite in agreement on how you felt about him, like he did you. He would be a narcissist to say he knew you liked him the same, out loud, but he knew. And you knew that he knew.

"Wonder why indeed." He gave you one last smile before he'd disappeared for the rest of the afternoon, leaving you to digest and relive the past half an hour or so.

Being Harry Styles' crush was probably the biggest flex you could ever make.

                                                          ••••

After Harry had finished up his shoot he was quick to come find you again.

You'd watched parts of his shoot and he looked magnificent. There wasn't a good enough word to describe how amazing he looked. Harry, his stylist, was probably the best stylist out there. His fashion choices were unmatched and you wanted him to be yours. You were not rich enough nor fashionable enough, ironic for working in a a fashion company, to hire a stylist, but you would if you could.

You were so proud to see what he was achieving now as the person that he was. Harry was just being Harry, without the devilish control of shitty managements or ridiculous amounts of PR stunts. Harry was more free than ever, and it definitely showed just how much he was enjoying it.

You were certain that this Vogue magazine would break the internet - his fans were good at doing that. This could be a turning point for many people, with their outdated and ignorant views. There was no room for people with racist or homophobic or transphobic or xenophobic - and the list does go on - views anymore.

You were waiting by the front door of the barn, to catch Harry as he walked past. You caught sight of him in a white robe, presumably to get changed back into his everyday clothes. He looked really pretty in the robe - very domestic actually.

Today had been a good day.

Harry asked you to send over the more specific Vogue questions to him via email, so he could devote more time in to answering them in a lot more depth. You thought he meant you'd be sending them to some PA in his team, but you were shocked to understand he'd given you his personal email.

People were walking back to their cars and packing away the filming kit. You saw Lisa and the director talking to one another, no doubt discussing some in-work gossip.

"You ready?" Harrys voice reminded you that you'd been waiting for him. You looked to see he was back in the same clothes as this morning, only this time without his coat.

"Here?" You offered, having him over the coat once again but he declined.

"Looks better on you anyways." He winked at you, before walking through the car park and to his car. You were very surprised when you found out Harry was the one to own the green Jaguar. You assumed all celebrities drove the Range Rover, but no. The vintage car added to Harrys immaculate vibe and just made him that little bit more hot.

Harry properly introduced you to Gemma, who was equally as lovely as Harry. They were both amazing people and they were crazily alike. From the way they looked, down to the way they phrased their words, they were mistakingly twins. Gemma explained how Anne, their mum, didn't know they were doing this photoshoot and that it was going to be a surprise, which you thought was so cute.

Gemma spilt a lot of gossip on Harry, to which he got very embarrassed over. You learnt that Harrys first word was Cat. You learnt that Harry is godfather to multiple children, which you found heartwarming. You learnt Harry used to be a baker - which was something he elaborated on for a good half an hour. Harry was just a fountain of memories and Gemma was the one sharing them all with you.

The drive back to London was relaxed. You sat in the back, listening to Harry and Gemma pointlessly argue whilst an Arctic Monkeys album played in the background. You forgot that people like Harry drove, and listened to music, just like other regular people. You often misplaced celebrities in society, thinking they had everything done for them but in reality that (often) wasn't the case - at least not for Harry.

Gemma was dropped off quickly before Harry drove to his. It was no surprise that the Styles siblings didn't live too far away from each other. Harrys house was beautiful. Bigger than anything you could ever dream of buying. It was a palace compared to your cupboard-sized house. You were unbelievably jealous. He gave you the tour of the house, showing you where the toilets were, and even his panic room if necessary.

You migrated to the kitchen for a bit, talking about anything and everything. Getting to know the minuscule pieces of information that no-one else was trusted with, made you feel special. Harry made you feel special - even if he weren't meaning to.

Every moment held a spark. Every touch set off a firework. Every laugh was an electric burst. He made you feel so alive.

"We can go to the living room after this has boiled." Harry said, pointing towards the streaming kettle. He wanted to show off his fancy tea collection he had, and let you have a try if you wanted to. Harry was boring and chose the basic green tea, but, after much deliberation, you chose the cranberry green tea. It intrigued you and it sounded delicious.

"Why the extensive tea collection?" Not even you, a certified caffeine addict, had this much tea in your house. Coffee was a different story and one in which you didn't want to talk about.

"They help me with my meditation." He took the teabags and placed them in his glass mugs. They had a delicate Gucci stamp on them, and you just imagined that they probably worth the same amount as your daily salary.

"You meditate?" You were slightly surprised that he did.

"I try to yeah." Harry nodded, focusing on pouring in the boiling water into the mugs. "I've got very tight hamstrings and so it helps if I meditate twice a day."

Harry finished making the tea, in the light-filled kitchen, before showing you around to the open-lounge area. Everything was modern and chic. It was exactly how you imagined it, but better. The open, red-brick, wall was a beautiful feature and one that you were a whore for! It reminded you of New York and the memories you'd made there one summer.

The sofa was a beautiful velvet, green, sofa. It was soft and gentle, a lot like Harry when you thought about it. The whole house was an architectural masterpiece and you'd be lying if you said you weren't jealous. You sat on one end and Harry went to go and sit on the other end.

"I don't bite you know?" You joked, self-consciously wondering whether he didn't want to be sat near you.

"I know, I just don't want to step on any of your covid boundaries - which is perfectly fine by the way." He added, apprehensively taking the spot next to you.

"No, not at all." You ushered him to sit next to you, as you took a sip from your steaming hot cup of fruity tea. "If I smell though, do tell me!"

"Yeah, you smell bloody awful!" Harry sarcastically remarked, but laughing afterwards to assure you he was joking. The atmosphere went quiet for a minute, only the sounds of passing cars and deep breaths being heard.

"Y/N can I ask you something?" Harry turned the tone of the conversation. It sounded like he wanted to be more serious than you two were being beforehand.

"Anything." You encouraged him to continue. You placed the cup of tea down on the table, deciding it was too hot to drink right now, and gave him your full attention.

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" Harry questioned. You didn't think you'd be having a conversation this intense - especially if you had different opinions - on your first day of knowing each other, but here you were.

"I believe you can love someone at first sight. I don't believe you can be in love with someone at first sight. Why?" You were curious as to how his brain had journeyed to this particular topic. You'd never really had this conversation with anyone before, mainly because you were unaware of the true power, and meaning, of love.

"It uh... It doesn't matter." Harry shook his head and you could tell by his body language that he was shutting you out. Maybe you'd made him uncomfortable.

"Sorry I didn't mean to—"

"No, no. Please don't apologise. It's just - I like you a lot more than you may think." Harry shyly told you, which made you all soft inside. He was being vulnerable and that was something you admired in a partner. You didn't just need love, affection and trust in a relationship. No. You needed vulnerability and heartbreak too, and Harry was revealing that part of him to you.

"I like you a lot more than you think too." You repeated, not because you felt bad for him but because you truly did like him a whole lot. Love was a weird yet wonderful thing, and if you were to hazard a guess you'd say you loved Harry. 

You couldn't wait to be in love with him.

"Does that mean I get to crown you my girlfriend?" Harry excitedly asked. Harry happy was something that should be made a constant, and you were more than happy to be in control of that.

"At least take me out first." You bargained, wishing for nothing more than to go on a date with Harry. Where you'd go, you had no idea. Everything was closed right now and there was still the chance of becoming sick with corona, but no doubt Harry would think of something not only clever, but special.

Of course you'd love to be Harrys girlfriend. However, you wanted one more, official, opportunity to really get to know him - unprofessionally. You wanted to make sure that you knew, and he knew, that you wanted to be with him because he was the charming Harry you've come to love, not because he was Harry Styles.

"So you're allowing me to take you on a date?" Harry smirked like a little child, your heart fluttering at how excited he was to be able to treat you to dinner.

"Yes, Harry. Yes I am." You answered sweetly, offering him the cutest smile you could.

You can't believe what a turn of events today has been. You've gone from nearly writing yourself on Harrys enemy list to writing yourself on to his 'people he's dated' list. Who knows what the future would offer you. At the start of the day you had wished this whole day to end and for the ground to just swallow you up, now you never wanted it to end. It was too perfect to be true and yet it was.

Harry was the most wonderful human to exist and you were beyond surprised to be the one to catch his attention. You didn't understand why you were so special, but it was nice to feel like this for a change. It was nice to feel wanted.

                                                             ••••

A few months later and you were officially Harrys girlfriend.

It had been such a crazy few months. Harry religiously took you out on dates every week. Whether it be to grab a hotdog at a local diner, a coffee from a quaint cafe, a walk in Hyde Park or a late-night drive around London - which normally ended up with you falling asleep before you could make it back to yours. On sleepless jet-lagged nights he'll still drive through London's quiet streets, seeing neighborhoods in a new way, just as an excuse to spend time with you.

Harry often stayed over at yours. Even though you looked like you lived in a shoebox compared to Harry, he liked it. He liked the subtly and normality of it all. He wanted your life to remain as normal as possible and, apart from the occasional paparazzi incident, it did. You never had anything to complain about. Of course the online bullying created emotional wounds, at the start of your relationship, but it was nothing that Harry couldn't repair with a bit of love.

Lisa has nominated herself to be maid-of-honour when the day comes - if the day comes. Harry has already pinky sworn that you are it for him. The one, as some may say. You were utterly flattered, but you certainly unsure of what the future help for you both.

You loved Harry, you do love Harry and you will forever always love Harry.

It was ridiculous to think that all this stemmed from you working at Vogue. From you studying English Literature in a city away from London. From you dedicating you extra hours gaining work experience and money to be able get in and afford university. So many moments in life have you stopped and said 'i wish i hadn't have done that', but now you were convinced that they were the best things to have happened to you - because they lead you, all, to Harry.

And, being Harry Styles girlfriend was probably the biggest flex you could ever make.

[sineala]

How would you say fandom culture has changed over the years? What are some differences you notice between older and younger fandom folks?

I’ve been thinking for a while about how to answer this, and I’m not sure I have a really good answer, but I’m going to try.

I’ve been in fandom since approximately 1995. Maybe 1994. At that point, the world wide web was a relatively new part of the internet, and the fandoms I was in had most of their activity on privately-hosted mailing lists (predating eGroups/OneList/Yahoo Groups) and on Usenet newsgroups, with fiction beginning to be available on websites as part of either fandom-specific or pairing-specific archives as well as authors’ individual pages. Fanfiction.net did not yet exist. LiveJournal did not exist. AO3 definitely did not exist. If you wanted real-time chat, there was IRC. I was coming in basically at the tail end of zine fandom; zines were no longer the only way of distributing fanfiction, as fandom started to move online. So I have a selection of zines from 90s-era Western media fandoms but even by then zines weren’t where I was doing most of my reading.

I think in terms of generally “what it was like to be in fandom,” the big-picture stuff hasn’t changed. Fandom still produces creative fanwork and likes to, y’know, get together and talk about fandom. Also, almost every fight or complaint that fandom has about something is a thing that has been going on for actual years. People complain that, say, the kudos button is ruining comment culture because back in the LJ days the only way you could comment on a story was, well, by leaving an actual comment, or sending an email on a mailing list, and this might mean that people who would have otherwise commented have left a kudos instead. But back in the LJ and mailing list days, people were complaining that commenting was going downhill since the days of zines, when in order to comment on a story you had to write a real paper letter and mail it and because you had to do that, the quality of feedback was so much better than you got nowadays because people could just dash off a quick email or comment. You get the idea. Top/bottom wars are not new either. Pairing wars are not new. If you’ve been in fandom a while, you will pretty much have seen all the fights already. I think one thing that is new, though, is the fandom awareness of things like privilege and intersectionality and various -isms, as well as things like “providing warnings might be nice” (do you know how much unwarned deathfic I have read? a lot!) and I sure won’t say we’re perfect at any of this now, but I think fandom is trying way way more about all that stuff than it used to.

There are some fights we actually don’t have anymore, as far as I can tell. I feel like it’s been years since I’ve seen the “real person fiction is wrong” battle, but also I don’t hang out in a whole lot of RPF fandoms, so it’s possible that’s still going and I just don’t see it.

There also used to be a recurring debate about whether gay relationships that were canonical were slash or not. When slash started, obviously this wasn’t a question because there weren’t canonical gay relationships in fandoms, period. But as gay characters began to appear in media, people started to wonder “does slash mean all same-sex relationships, or does slash mean only non-canonical same-sex relationships?” Now, you may be reading this and think that sounds like an incredibly weird thing to get hung up on, but that’s because what appears to have happened is that the term “ship” (originally from X-Files Mulder/Scully fandom) has, as far as I can tell, come up and eaten most of the rest of the terminology. Now people will just say, “oh, I ship that.” For any pairing, gay or not, canonical or not. Fandom seems to have decided that for the most part it no longer actually needs a term specific to same-sex relationships as a genre.

Similarly, there are a few genres of fic that we used to have also pretty much don’t exist anymore. There are also plenty of genres that are well-entrenched now that are also extremely recent -- A/B/O comes to mind. But there are some kinds of fic we don’t write a lot of now. Like, I haven’t seen smarm in years! I also haven’t seen We’re Not Gay We Just Love Each Other in a while. There was also a particular style of slash writing where you’d basically have to explain, in detail, what made you think that these particular characters could be anything other than straight. You’d have to motivate this decision. You’d have to look at their canonical heterosexual relationships and come up with a way to explain why all those had happened in order to reconcile how this one guy could have romantic feelings for another guy. When had he figured out he wasn’t straight? Who might he have been with before? How does he interact with people in ways that make you think he’s not straight? That kind of thing. You had to, essentially, show your work. And these days a lot of fanfic is just like, “Okay, Captain America is bisexual, let’s go!” It’s... different.

Fandom also used to skew older, is my sense. A lot older. I don’t know, actually, if it really was older, but I get the sense now that there are some younger people who are surprised that adults are still in fandom. I have seen people saying these days that they think they’re too old for fanfiction because they are not in middle school anymore. And I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that the barriers to access fandom are a lot lower than they used to be. You used to basically have to be an adult with disposable income (or know an adult with disposable income who was willing to help you out; but even then if you were reading explicit fiction you also had to swear you were 18+, usually by sending in an age statement to whoever you were buying the zine from or to the mods of the list you wanted to join, so a lot of fandom was very much age-gated). Internet access was not widely available. Even if you had internet access, you maybe didn’t have your own email address, so you couldn’t sign up for mailing lists; free email providers didn’t exist. If you wanted to buy zines, you had to have money to buy them. If you wanted to go to cons, you had to be able to afford the cost of the con, travel to the con, et cetera. If you wanted to have a website you had to know HTML. Social media did not exist. You want to draw art? Guess what, you’re probably drawing it on paper! You might be able to upload a picture to your website if you have a digital camera or a scanner, but both of those things are expensive, and also a lot of people don’t have the capability or the money to download pictures from the internet (some people have data caps with overage charges, and some people have text-only connections!), so they won’t get to see it. Maybe you can sell your piece at a con! You want to make a fanvid? We called them songvids, but, anyway, you know how you’re doing that? You’re going to hook two VCRs together and smash the play and record buttons very fast! If you want anyone else to watch them, you are either making them a tape personally and mailing it to them or bringing your vids to a convention. Maybe you can digitize them and upload them, but it’s going to take people hours to download them!

(Every three hours my ISP would kick me off the internet and I’d have to dial in again. If it was a busy time of day, it might take me 20 or 30 minutes to get a connection again. And that was assuming no one else in the house needed to use the phone line. Imagine if your modem went out every three hours now.)

And now, for the cost of my internet connection, I can read pretty much whatever fanfiction I want, whenever I want it. I can see all the fanart I want! I can watch vids! Podfic exists now! Fanmixes exist! Gifsets and moodboards exist! If I want to write fic I can write it with programs that are completely free, and as soon as I post it everyone in the entire world can read it. If I want to draw or make vids that may require some additional investment, but I may also be able to do it with things I already have. Do you have any idea how good we all have it?

There are a couple of kinds of fan activity that don’t seem to exist anymore, though, and I miss them. I know that roleplaying still goes on, but I feel like these days most people who do real-time text roleplay have switched to things like Discord. I know that in the LJ days, RP communities were popular. But I really miss MU*s (MUDs, MUSHes, MOOs, MUXes..), which were servers for real-time text-based RP with a bunch of... hmm... features to aid RP. There were virtual rooms with text descriptions, and objects in virtual rooms with descriptions, and your character had a description, and they could interact with the objects as well as with other characters, and you could program things to change descriptions or emit various kinds of text or take you to different rooms, and so on. Just to, y’know, enhance the atmosphere. It was fun and it was where I learned to RP and I’m sad they’re pretty much gone now.

I also don’t think I see a lot of fanfiction awards in fandoms. Wonder where they went.

Going back to the previous point, the barriers to actually consuming the canon you are fannish about are way, way, way lower now. You can pretty much take it for granted that if right now someone tells you about a shiny new fandom, there will be a way to read that book or watch that show or movie right now. Possibly for free! Of course you can watch it! Why wouldn’t you be able to?

This was absolutely, absolutely not the case before. I’m currently in Marvel Comics fandom. If there is a comic I want to read, I can read it right now on the internet. I have subscribed to Marvel Unlimited and I can read pretty much every comic that is older than three months old; the newer ones cost extra money. But I can do it all from the comfort of my own home right now. I was also, actually, in Marvel Comics fandom in the nineties. If I wanted to read a comic, I had to go to a comic book store and hope they had it in stock; if they didn’t, I had to try another store. Not a lot of comics were available in trade paperback and they definitely weren’t readable on the internet. I used to read a lot of Gambit h/c fic set after Uncanny X-Men #350. I never found a copy of UXM #350. I still haven’t! But I did eventually read it on Unlimited.

Being in TV show fandoms also had similar challenges. Was the show you were watching still on the air? No? Then you’d better hope you could find it in reruns, or know someone who had tapes of it that they could copy for you, otherwise you weren’t watching that show. It was, I think, pretty common for people to be in fandoms for shows they hadn’t seen, because they had no way to see the show, but they loved all the fanfic. The Sentinel had a whole lot of fans like that, both because I think it took a while for it to end up in reruns and because overseas distribution was probably poor. So you’d get people who read the fic and wrote fic based on the other fic they’d read, which meant that you got massive, massive amounts of fanon appearing that people just assumed was in the show because it was a weirdly specific detail that appeared in someone’s fic once. Like “Jim and Blair’s apartment has a small water heater” (not actually canonical) or “Blair is a vegetarian” (there’s an episode where his mother visits and IIRC cooks him one of his favorite meals, which is beef tongue).

Like, I was in The Professionals fandom for years. I read all the fic. I hadn’t seen the show. As far as I know, it never aired in the US, and it certainly never had any kind of US VHS or DVD release. I’d seen a couple songvids. I eventually saw a couple episodes in maybe 2003, and that was because my dad special-ordered a commercial VHS tape from the UK and paid someone to convert it from PAL to NTSC. I didn’t get to see the whole show until several years later when I got a region-free DVD player someone in fandom sent me burned copies of the UK DVD releases and then I special-ordered the commercial release of the DVDs from the UK myself. But if I were a new fan and wanted to watch Pros right now? It is on YouTube! For free!

I think also one of the things about fandom that’s not immediately evident to new fans is the way in which it is permanent and/or impermanent. There are probably people whose first fannish experience is on Tumblr or who only read fanfic on FFN and who have no idea what they would do if either site, say, just shut down. But if you’ve been in fandom a while, you’ve been through, say, Discord, Tumblr, Twitter, Pillowfort, Imzy, DW, JournalFen, LJ, GeoCities, IRC, mailing lists. And sure, if Tumblr closed, it would be inconvenient. But fandom would pack up and move somewhere else. You would find it again. It would, eventually, be okay. Similarly, if you’ve been in a lot of fandoms, if you’ve made a lot of friends, drifting through fandoms is like that. You’ll make a friend in 1998 because you were in the same fandom, and then you might go your own ways, and ten years later you might be in another fandom with them again! It happens.

But the flip side of that is that I think a lot of older fans have learned not to trust in the permanence of any particular site. If you like a story, you save it as soon as you read it. If you like a piece of art, you save it. If you like a vid, you save it. Because you don’t know when the site it’s on will be gone for good. I have, like, twenty years of lovingly-curated fanfic. And I feel like people who have only been in fandom since AO3 existed might not understand how much AO3 is a game-changer compared to what we had before. It’s a site where you can put your fic up and you don’t have to worry that the webhost is going out of business, or that the site might delete your work because they don’t allow gay fiction or explicit fiction or fiction written in second person or fiction for fandoms where the creator doesn’t like fanfiction, or whatever. Because all of those things have absolutely happened. But, I mean, I still save pretty much everything I like, even on AO3, just in case.

So, basically, yeah, fandom is a whole lot more accessible than it used to be. I think fandom is pretty much still fandom, but it’s a lot easier to get into, and that has made it way more open to people who wouldn’t have been able to be in fandom before. There is so, so much more now than there ever was before, and I think that’s great.

[heloisedaphnebrightmore]

Possibilities [Tom Hiddleston x Reader]

Title: Possibilities Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x Female!Reader Word count: 3k Published: 6 July 2021 Author: Heloise Daphne Brightmore Warnings: Mention of food and alcohol Summary: Tom and you have been friends for a long time and because of that same reason you value your friendship more than to ruin it with some silly feelings. But the event you attend together offers you some surprises that might change your relationship forever.

Tom Hiddleston and Characters Masterlist | Masterlists

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Events, galas, award ceremonies. You weren't a popular actress nor a famous singer, or social media influencer. You had a simple 9-5 job that would hardly ever get you into these events. But regardless of your status in society, you were known and not because of any talent you possessed that could have made you famous, but because your best friend was none-other than Tom Hiddleston.

You have been friends for years, you adored everything about the man. He was sweet and kind, always polite, but just as playful. It was a friendship you felt lucky to be in, a friendship that you held so close to your heart, it would have broken every little piece of you if it ever ended. Often, you found yourself staring at him with a little smile in the corner of your lips, watching his every move, the way he joked around with his co-stars on set, the way he exercised in the gym for a role, the way he winked at you with a mischievous smile as he caught your eyes on him.

"Do you need my autograph?" he asked with a wide grin as he opened the door of the luxurious car he booked for the event. Once again you have forgotten your eyes on him— his dashing looks, the perfectly fitted suit, the playful twinkle in his eyes. He never stopped teasing you about it.

"Shove off, Tom," you nudged him as he got out of the car and held out a hand for you, waiting for you to accept his help. So, you did. Wrapping your fingers around his hand, you let him help you out of the vehicle as you rearranged your stunning dress and ran your hand down its length to remove any creasing. Cameras were flashing, reporters' loud voices filled the pathway to the entrance, a long red carpet leading your way inside the building towering over you like a modern castle.

"If I didn't know better, I would think your interest in me goes beyond friendship," he chuckled as he held his arm out to you, waiting for yours to be placed over his, his eyes following every little movement of yours. A sudden rush of heat travelled up to your cheeks, your breathing slightly laboured as you tried to calm your heavily beating heart. He was not wrong after all. It's been years since you have been harbouring these feelings, but you hadn't had the heart to confess them. Tom was more important to you than to ruin it over some silly feelings.

Sometimes, when you caught Tom's eyes on you, watching you intently, a soft smile spread across his face, it made you think if maybe, just maybe he was harbouring similar feelings towards you. But the idea was quickly swept away by your doubts, the thought of such an amazing man falling for you seeming impossible. You knew your worth, you didn't write yourself down, but Tom has always been perfect in your eyes, and you couldn't imagine him wanting you even if at times a certain silly part of your brain whispered otherwise.

"I love your healthy self-confidence," you finally gathered your ability to be able to reply, earning a comical huff from him. You have been trying hard, to deny your romantic interest in him, but rumours about the two of you have become a reoccurring news and it didn't help your case to shove your feelings in the back of your mind.

"Ready?" He asked as his gaze turned towards the red carpet. Heaving a heavy sigh, you nodded and murmured a 'yes' as a response.

As soon as the cameras started flashing, hundreds of photos of Tom and you being taken, you conjured a sweet little smile that the tabloids loved. You were always nervous when it came to these events. It was Tom's job to answer some of the questions journalists asked of him, which meant they were to ask about your relationship. It was becoming repetitive, making you feel uncomfortable. The questions themselves didn't bother you but repeating over and over again that the man you have fallen for is merely a friend, felt like a stab in your heart, each time you responded.

"Tom! Tom!" One of the reporters shouted his name and he led you to the side of the red carpet, halting right beside the metal cordons. Questions were flying around, photos had been taken, but you didn't concentrate. Your senses were heightened as Tom pulled you in his side, his arm now wrapped around your waist, gently, but firmly holding onto you. Looking up at him, you studied his face, his ice-blue eyes focusing on the reporter, an excited smile across his face. He seemed so relaxed, so collected, meanwhile even events after events you were still nervous. As though he could feel it, he turned to you with a soft, reassuring smile, giving you a nod, silently asking if you were alright. For others, the movement could have easily been missed, but to you, it was like an earthquake, shaking your heart, making you fall even deeper for him. In a reply, you nodded and offered him a smile as you squeezed his hand that rested on your waist.

"So, Tom, this might be a bit more personal, but everyone has been talking about the two of you," he started, and your eyes immediately darted towards the man. You knew the question, heard it a thousand times already, so you prepared your heart to give the same reply as always. 'We are just friends,' you repeated time after time, hoping they would finally understand and let you be, but they didn't seem to budge. "You have been friends for a long time, and your fans have been talking about how close the two of you have become. Do you think, maybe in the future, there's a possibility for romance to blossom?" He asked with an expectant expression, a sly smile in the corner of his lips.

"As we have said before," you spoke up, ready to reply as you always did, "we—"

"You never know what the future holds for you, there are many possibilities" Tom cut in with a mischievous smile, your eyes growing wide as you looked up at him. Tom chuckled at your expression as he leaned down and kissed the top of your head. "Tell me I'm wrong," he arched a brow questioningly, his words starting your heart off at a faster pace, your cheeks feeling warmer under his intent gaze, those blue eyes you often found yourself lost in.

"Well—, I mean I can't argue with that statement," you replied, feeling slightly awkward. A confused smile started growing wider on your face as Tom led you away. "Why did you do that?" You asked as you finally stepped inside the building, his arm still resting around your waist as you headed towards a large room filled with all sorts of foods and drinks, people dancing in the middle, the dim lightning offering a rather intimate mood. "You just created even more gossip," you scolded him, but seemingly he didn't mind. He led you to a table where his name was printed on a nametag and pulled the chair out for you before he took his seat beside you.

"I didn't say anything," he smiled at you as innocently as he could manage, the corner of his eyes crinkling.

"You did. Exactly because you were so secretive, people will want to read between the lines. They will think there's more to us than friendship," you huffed as you hid your face in your palm and heaved a heavy sigh.

"And is that so bad?" He frowned, earning the same expression from you.

"What?" A silent scoff left your lungs. "What are you trying to say?"

"Is that such a big problem if people think we are together?" He asked, his confident tone stunning you.

"Of course, not. I don't care what rumours are being spread about me, but I don't want them to gossip about you," you reached for his hand on the table and wrapped your fingers around it, giving it a gentle squeeze. His expression stayed emotionless; you couldn't read him entirely, but you knew he seemed off.

"I will go grab us a drink," he said as he stood up, leaving you frowning. You weren't sure what you said that made him upset, and regardless of trying to put on a straight face, you knew he wasn't happy with your response.

You watched as he walked over to a small table filled with the most delicious looking cakes and a couple of bottles of champagne, ready for the guests before they brought out the main course. Tom grabbed a battle of champagne and two glasses, filling up both halfway, before he placed the battle back into an ice bucket.

"What is it?" You asked as he returned and gave you one of the glasses.

"What do you mean?" He asked, taking a seat beside you.

"We've known each other for quite a long time. I can read you like an open book. What's bothering you?" Trying to get him to open up, you shuffled closer to him, your chair scraping the floor, turning heads in your direction. "Oops," you scratched the back of your neck awkwardly, earning a chuckle from Tom.

"Very subtle," he mocked you.

"Don't change the subject Mr. Hiddleston," you raised a questioning brow, a tiny smile hidden in the corner of your lips.

"Nothing is bothering me," he added, but your suspicious gaze didn't falter. "I'm being honest, darling," the sly little fox knew his nickname for you would make you soften up and he used every opportunity to say it when he felt cornered.

"Fine," you squinted. "But we aren't done! I'm not blind, I can see something is on your mind."

"Yes, ma'am, I can't wait for this conversation to come back around," he mocked you once again, making you huff as you gently punched his shoulder.

Throughout the night, said conversation was forgotten, the alcohol consumption rose, the amount of people dancing around the room grew, meanwhile others sat at their tables, trying to digest the previously served delicious meals. You couldn't deny that you had a good laugh with Tom and his co-stars from all sorts of movies he had been in. It felt like a little family, people coming together to just have a joyous time.

The way Tom smiled at his friends, praising each other, before turning to mock one another forced your eyes to rest on his excited features. He looked so alive, so happy and the feeling of the man you loved being in his element meant everything to you. Tom was radiating enthusiasm and you couldn't look away as you watched his ever-growing smile, his nose scrunched up at an unexpected subject, his head falling back as a loud laughter erupted from his lungs. He was always handsome, but when he was happy, it filled you up with a certain warmth that you couldn't explain. Like you always wanted to make him happy just to be able to see that cheerful smile spread across his face.

He turned to you, catching your gaze on him once again. His arm sneaked behind you, pulling you closer and leaning down to your ear. "You are staring at me again," you couldn't see it, but you could feel his smile spreading wider.

"I like to see you happy," you shrugged with a soft smile as you leaned back to be able to meet his gaze. His smile faltered, but his eyes softened.

"Dance with me," he said as he offered his palm to you, and you placed your hand in it.

"I take no responsibility for broken toes," you said with a silent chuckle as you followed him to the dancefloor.

"Don't worry, darling, it's worth the injury," he mirrored your expression as you stopped in the middle of the dance floor. A slow, romantic song started playing in the background, his arms finding their perfect position around your waist as yours sneaked around his neck.

It was a slow and peaceful dance, not requiring much knowledge and talent. You just enjoyed each other's presence, gazes meeting, smiles forming, swaying to the slow rhythm of the music. You didn't speak a word, but the silence wasn't uncomfortable. It never was with Tom. A soft smile, a quick glance, a simple gesture meant more than thousands of words when you were with him.

You laid your head against his chest, listening to his fast heartbeat, taking on a quicker pace just like yours did. "I miss you when you are not with me," he spoke for the first time as he leaned down and kissed the top of your head. You didn't move away; his embrace was too comfortable, and you couldn't care about people watching you.

"I always miss you. You are the one travelling all the time after all," you chuckled lightly, not wanting to ruin the moment.

"I could be only a mile away and I would still miss you," he replied as you pulled back a bit to meet his soft gaze, but there was no smile present across his handsome face. As the song finished, you found yourself standing in front of him, slightly confused about the conversation. "Do you want to go to the balcony? Have some fresh air?" He asked, taking on a more cheerful expression, but you knew him more than to believe it was genuine. In a response you nodded and linked your arm with his.

Following him through the sea of people, you finally arrived at the balcony, looking down to a smaller version of a park, a water fountain standing tall in its centre. You leaned against the rail as you watched the trees battling the silent wind, fallen leaves being blown across the walking path. Tom joined beside you, his eyes following the same direction as you did before they halted on your face. "You are being strange tonight," you spoke up, feeling his gaze resting on you before you turned to him, meeting his eyes.

"I'm just thinking," he added with a half-hearted smile.

"About?" You asked as you reached for his hand resting on the rail and placed yours on top of his. He turned his palm upside down and lifted your hand, hinting a small kiss on your knuckles as he heaved a heavy sigh. "Tom talk to me," you squeezed his fingers reassuringly, his eyes watching you, not leaving your gaze for a moment. "You have been rather quiet around me," you added.

His whole body turned to you, as though he was focusing his complete attention on you. Reaching towards you, he brushed your hair to the side, gently tucking it behind your ear. You leaned into the touch involuntarily, only realising your actions when he caressed your cheek with his thumb, before moving down and running it across your lips. The feeling burnt you, starting your mind off in a very dangerous territory, one that you have been avoiding. 'He is your friend' you tried to remind yourself. But once the tip of his thumb brushed along your lips once again, you couldn't stop yourself. Stepping forward, you placed your hands on his chest, steading yourself and rose on your tiptoes, pressing your lips against his.

Your own bravery surprised you, but Tom didn't seem affected. As soon as your lips met, his arms wrapped around you, pulling you closer. He didn't hesitate, he wasn't surprised. He just held you, gently running his lips along yours, tilting his head to deepen the kiss. But as much as you wanted to enjoy the moment, realisation hit you. You were kissing your best friend. You gently pushed him away, stumbling back from the force, covering your mouth with your palm. "I'm so sorry," you breathed, panic rising in your chest. "I have no idea what happened, I don't know why I did that, I'm so sorry," your words were rushed, your heartbeat loudly pulsing in your ears.

But Tom's gaze twinkled. A soft, warm smile grew wider across his face as he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around you. "I'm not," he said as he pressed his forehead against yours. "I've been wanting to kiss you," he breathed as he closed his eyes momentarily, slightly shaking his head. "I've been wanting to tell you how much I love you; I've been trying to gain the courage to say it out loud," he scoffed. "I'm a fool for dragging it out for so long, but I love you," his voice shook as he said the words, but his arms tightened around you, safely holding you against his chest. It took you a second to understand what he meant, that your feelings weren't unrequited, that he has been harbouring the same feelings you have.

A heavy sigh left your lungs, as though a weight fell off your chest. Your lips curved into a smile as you placed your hands on his cheeks, running the tip of your thumbs across his jawline. He mirrored your expression whilst leaning into your touch, planting a small kiss on your palm. "I love you too," you replied finally," the words rolling off the tip of your tongue easier than you expected. "I love you so much," you giggled, wanting to repeat the words over and over again, until you finally understood that it was real, that you weren't dreaming. "You never know what the future holds for you, huh?" You asked, repeating his words from earlier in the evening, earning a loud chuckle from him. "So, is this one of those many possibilities?" you raised a single brow.

"Could be. I have a couple more ideas," he said, his soft smile turning into a confident grin.

"You are terrible," you gently hit his chest as you grabbed his suit-jacket and pulled him down to you, meeting his lips halfway, smiling into the intimate moment you have been craving for so long.

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[v-hope]

Puzzle Pieces

Pairings: Artist!Kim Taehyung x Heiress!Reader, OC x Heiress!Reader

Genre: Roommates AU, Enemies to Lovers AU, Arranged Marriage AU (OC x Reader)

Word Count: 4.7k

Summary: Two things you knew for sure. One, although you and Taehyung were roommates, you were still complete strangers to one another. And, two, he did not like you one bit. It was funny, however, how you didn’t need to tell him you would appreciate his company that particular night for him to see right through you. And it was even funnier how you didn’t need to ask him to stay for him to do so.

Warnings: Mentions of alcohol and drinking.

A/N: Helloo, this is from part 7 of my Social Media AU “Belong”, but since it turned out to be so long I decided to post it in one shot format lol. I hope you guys enjoy!

Taking things back to your place —more like, Tae’s place— had truly seemed like a good idea earlier that day. After all, it was either that or have the paps follow you and Sungjin around for what was left of the day, which would later be followed by romantic headlines regarding the two of you that would not precisely be far from the truth, if you looked at it from the plans your families had for the both of you.

Of course, there was always the option of ending your hang out right then and going your separate ways, but after having homesickness hit you like a truck that week after hanging out with your brother a few days ago, and knowing well enough Taehyung would not even acknowledge your presence once you made it home, you found yourself relying on Sungjin more than you had wished to, that being the third time in the span of a week you were hanging out with him, as you really wanted to have someone with you. And if that someone just happened to be the heir your marriage was being arranged with against your will, then so be it.

However, now, when you were straddling his lap as he leaned back on the sofa, with your fingers entangled on his hair and his hands on your back as he pulled you closer against his chest, heavy breathings and lips needingly pressing together, you were not sure of how good of an idea this had been.

You had not expected him to kiss you that evening. And, most importantly, you had not expected to kiss him back once he did. But you were lonely, and craving affection. And so one thing had led to another, and now here you were, making out with the one guy you were not supposed to fall for. Or was he the one guy you were supposed to fall for?

It all depended on the point of view you looked at it from. If you wanted to prove to your parents you could manage to live on your own and that way call off the wedding, then going to the guy your marriage was being arranged with and whom you had no feelings for was most definitely not the way to go. On the other hand, if you wanted things to go back to normal and be able to go back home, wouldn’t falling for said guy be the perfect way out? That way, your marriage would still be an arranged one, sure, but it wouldn’t matter anymore because you would still get to marry the man you loved.

Nevertheless, although the second choice did sound very, very appealing, you found yourself removing your hands from his hair and pressing them on his chest instead as you pulled away from the kiss. For although you were craving intimacy and had discovered right then Sungjin was one hell of a kisser, you felt nothing. And it was unfair on both of you to keep this going and pretend like you did feel something.

“No, no” your voice came out muffled as his lips pressed once more on yours. “This is wrong”.

Sungjin knitted his eyebrows together, finally opening his eyes as he pulled slightly away from you. “We’re engaged, how could it be wrong?”

“We’re not—” you sighed heavily, carefully looking at your hand pressing on his chest, which was missing the engagement ring you had taken off before moving in here to start your new —and hopefully permanent— life. “We’re not engaged…”

“You taking the ring off doesn’t change anything, Y/N” he tried to say it as sweetly as possible, yet his words could do no other than make your chest feel heavy. “We are engaged and we will get married so far, unless you stay here once your time is up”.

Lowering your head, you removed your hands from off his chest as you got off his lap and sat next to him on the sofa, not being able to hide how much this whole topic affected you. “That’s not the way I see it” you murmured.

The way you saw it, you were not engaged anymore, and only would be if you decided to go back home once the year went by.

No one out of your social circle knew what was going on with you and your family. No one knew there was a chance you would be marrying Lee Sungjin in a good couple of months. However, he was right. The ring had been there before you fought hard enough for your parents to give you this chance to prove yourself and break free from this arrangement, but you had taken it off on your own terms. You had asked them not to tell the media about it, so you could truly try and carry a life as ordinary as you could. And honestly? You were terrified you would wake up one day and find first thing as you opened Twitter that the cat was out of the bag and everyone knew about your —arranged— engagement.

“You should tell that to your parents then,” he shrugged. “So they can put on hold the whole wedding planning”.

Your head snapped up at the sound of that. “They’re planning it already?”

Sungjin’s eyes opened wide. “You didn’t know?”

A scoff abandoned your mouth, shaking your head in disbelief as you felt tears well up in your eyes — ones that you would neither let roll down your cheeks nor let your so-called fiancé see. Of course your parents were planning as much as they could of it already. Should’ve seen it coming. It was like they already knew you would fail and this was nothing but a mere formality. And although a part of you was fuming and could not wait to prove them wrong now more than ever, another one could not help but wonder if maybe they were right.

“I don’t want to talk about this,” you spoke in what came out like more of a whisper, almost begging him to drop the topic. “I can’t do this right now. Please, leave”.

Sungjin shook his head. “You’re always avoiding the topic,” he pointed out. “We’ll have to properly talk about it and what you plan to do at some point”.

“Well, I don’t want to talk about it yet” you moved further away from him on the sofa. “This was a mistake. Please, leave”.

He sighed. “Y/N…”

“Sungjin, leave”.

“But—”

“Um…” Taehyung’s deep voice coming from the front door had both your heads snapping in his direction. “I don’t know who you are,” his eyes were fixed on Sungjin next to you. “But she shouldn’t have to repeat herself when asking for you to leave”.

You awkwardly gazed over to Sungjin, whose body had tensed up at both Taehyung’s presence and words.

“And you are?” he asked, his previous soft tone whilst talking to you having now turned into a lower, stronger one.

“Her roommate,” Taehyung replied, taking a step inside yet keeping the door open — and although you were used to always seeing his serious side, you had never seen him this serious before. “The owner of this place”.

Sungjin’s eyes were now fixed on you, a frown taking over his very displeased expression. “So you’ve been living with his guy this whole time?”

“She has” Taehyung answered before you could, catching your —on hold— fiancé’s attention once more. “And I’m sure she had just asked you to leave, so…”

Moving aside, he opened the door wider for the man next to you to see his way out. So, sending you one last glance, which was filled with both confusion and disbelief, Sungjin reluctantly stood up, not saying another word before making his way over to the door Taehyung was holding open for him — not taking a step out of it without before having glared at your roommate, who did not hesitate to do the same right back.

Now, why were they glaring at each other? Sungjin knew his reason very well, for, one, Taehyung was forcing him to leave against his will, and, two, he was living with you. That alone, as someone who had feelings for you, was reason enough not to like Kim Taehyung from the beginning. Taehyung, on the other hand? He had no idea. He had just met the guy and decided right away he did not like him one bit.

Once that one second they had been holding glares as they passed by was gone and Sungjin had finally made his way out of the apartment, Taehyung wasted no time in closing the door, in what was far from the gentlest of ways. And although he had gone home to get the instant popcorn bags he had told his friends he would bring over to movie night, he didn’t head to the kitchen right away, but stood there by the door staring at you instead.

“You okay?” he wondered at the sight of your visibly upset expression.

You nodded your head more eagerly than intended, not sure if trying to convince him or yourself. “Yes. Uh, thank you…”

He let you know it was nothing with a small nod. With that out of the way, he turned to his side so he could resume to do what he had come here to do.

“How much of it did you hear?” you couldn’t help but weakly ask before he could take another step.

He stayed quiet for a second. Was there something he wasn’t supposed to listen to? “Just the part when you asked him to leave”.

You nodded quietly, hating the fact that you had no certain way to confirm he was actually telling the truth, and having nothing left to do but hope he hadn’t heard a thing regarding your dreadful marriage.

“Sorry if I made things awkward with your boyfriend,” he apologized after seeing the conflicted look on your face. “I just saw you were upset and—”

“He’s not my boyfriend” you corrected him before he could even finish his sentence.

Taehyung smiled cynically. “The smudged lipstick on your face says otherwise”.

You bit down on your bottom lip, feeling your cheeks heat up in embarrassment as you lowered your head — forcefully running your thumb over and around your lips to try and remove as much of your lipstick as you could.

“He’s really not, though” you repeated what was technically not a lie. “It’s just… complicated”.

“Same as what Jimin said” he shrugged.

With your eyebrows knitting together, your eyes followed his figure as he went inside the kitchen. He and Jimin had been talking about you?

As much as you wanted to know the details about that, you knew asking Taehyung wasn’t an option, for he was never willing to actually talk to you, let alone tell you about the conversations he had with his friends — even though you had been the main topic of it. So, deciding to just let it go, you stood up and went to grab the coat of yours you had hung by the door when you and Sungjin had arrived earlier that evening, putting it on and grabbing your purse as well right as Taehyung came back into the living room holding a bag in one of his hands.

“Where are you going?” he asked with furrowed eyebrows.

You couldn’t help but stare at him quite dumbfounded. He had never really minded you going out, and you wondered if you looked that vulnerable right then for him to actually be concerned about you doing so.

“I don’t really drink, but…” you shrugged, not needing to finish your sentence for him to take a hint.

“A bar?” his voice came out louder than expected.

Although taken aback at his reaction, you nodded. “I won’t make a mess if I come back drunk, you don’t have to worry”.

Taehyung snorted. As if that was what worried him about you going out drinking alone at night.

Not telling you that, of course, he shook his head instead as the corners of his lips curved up in amusement — your breath hitching when his hand firmly yet somehow still gently grabbed your wrist and dragged you back over the sofa you had been sitting down on before. Letting go of you, he left his bag on the small table in front of the couch and gestured for you to take a seat, having you do as told while your attentive eyes followed his every move, watching him once again disappear into the kitchen, only for him to reappear seconds later with a bottle of wine in one hand and a glass along with a corkscrew in another.

Leaving everything on the table in front of you, he took the bag he had left on it before and stood up straight, making you have to tilt your head slightly back so you could look up to him.

“If you’re drinking your feelings away, do it here” he stated, later rolling his eyes at the way you were silently staring at him, almost as if you had just seen a ghost. “Don’t look at me like that. Jimin would kill me if he found out I let you go out alone like that”.

You smiled weakly. “He wouldn’t have to know”.

“Have you forgotten who you are, princess?” he reminded you, causing you to roll your eyes at the annoying nickname he had chosen for you and you were apparently never getting rid of. “Get drunk in a bar and, next thing you know, a hundred headlines are written about you. Especially if you’re not used to drinking”.

“Right,” you sighed in defeat. “Thank you. Again”.

Taehyung nodded like it was no problem, later pointing at the bottle he had placed in front of you. “You know how to open it?”

“Yes”.

You did not. But you were not telling him that. You could not afford to not know how to do yet another mundane thing, for you were already useless enough in his eyes. You could always just look it up later and pray it would work out once you tried to do it, just like you had done with pretty much every other thing you had learned to do on your own after moving out.

“Okay” he mumbled, turning around and making his way to the front door so he could leave and get to his friends for once and for all.

“Taehyung?” you called him before he could reach for the doorknob, and before you could stop yourself.

“Yes?” he mindlessly turned his head in your direction.

You bit your tongue not to say what you wanted to, regretting already having called his name out without thinking before.

You wanted him to stay. You didn’t want to be alone. You hated being alone. And you were tired of this bad blood going on between the two of you. You wanted to talk. Actually talk. Not to spill your deepest secrets or become best friends, and most definitely not to tell him about your possible marriage and all about your family drama, but maybe just talk enough to get to know each other a little more. Nevertheless, it had only been a few days since you had asked him to keep you company and he had turned you down, making it very clear he had no intentions of spending his time with you. You couldn’t bother him again, let alone when you already knew what the answer would be.

“Have fun” you settled for saying instead, sending him a close-mouth smile that you truly believed was convincing enough.

And, you see, although you were smiling right then and couldn’t see how vulnerable you actually looked, being oblivious to it even, Taehyung could see right through you. And although he did not like you, not one bit, he was not heartless. So, letting out a sigh, he stopped trying to reach for the doorknob altogether and went back into the kitchen instead.

You just sat there puzzled as ever, believing he might have forgotten something else he needed to get before leaving, until you saw him come into the living room, no longer holding a bag in his hand, but another glass instead. And if that itself hadn’t been surprising enough, when he sat by your side and placed the glass next to yours, silently proceeding to open the bottle of wine —with such ease that couldn’t help but make you feel dumb over how it would’ve taken you a good couple of minutes to do what to him took less than one— so he could pour a good amount of it into them, you felt like you were hallucinating.

Your astonished eyes followed his hand as he held one of the glasses up for you to take, silently nodding as a way of saying ‘thank you’ once you held it in your hand. Not saying anything else, he grabbed his glass and took a sip of wine, having you follow his actions right after.

Words weren’t needed right then. And quite honestly, neither of you knew how to initiate the conversation anyway to begin with.

It was all untold. He didn’t need to give you a reason as to why he had decided to stay, and you didn’t need to thank him out loud for him to know you were thankful. You just knew.

“I’m sorry about the other day…” he was the first one to speak — partially to put an end to the uncomfortable silence filling the room, partially to actually apologize, for he had wanted to say that ever since he had spoken his mind about you when you texted him from another room the other day.

“Don’t” you shook your head. “I’m sorry I was pestering you. It was on me”.

Taehyung stared at you in astonishment, never having expected you to apologize right back when, in his eyes, he had been in the wrong. “You weren’t—”

“Taehyung,” you cut him off. “I get it” a weak smile formed on your mouth. “We’re not friends. You don’t like me. I know those things, yet I still went and tried to get you to spend time with me. I won’t ask again, I promise” your eyes fixed on his, not being able to know what the look in them meant at all. “And honestly, I know you’re only here right now because you feel guilty about it, so please, just... go do whatever you had planned to do tonight instead. I’ll be fine”.

He smirked, leaning against the sofa and taking another sip from his glass. “Well, good thing that, unlike that friend of yours, I do live here and can stay if I want”.

You rolled your eyes in annoyance at his smug ways, making yourself more comfortable as well on the sofa and bringing your cup up to your lips to take a small sip of alcohol. Of course telling him to leave would only increase his will to stay here with you. How could you not see that coming.

“I’m really sorry, though” he repeated, his previous smirk no longer there as his sincere words left his mouth. “Shouldn’t have brought your family up”.

You shrugged. “Like you said, I left home, and I have to own up to it. You’re not supposed to be there for me whenever I want. I know I’m spoiled and entitled, so don’t… feel bad for putting me in my place”.

He said nothing, trying to collect the conflicted thoughts of his that were running through his mind. How could you be so self-aware yet still not let go of that mask you had on when it came to showing parts of your life to everyone else? Why did you still pretend to be living your perfect life when you had just said you had to own up to the fact that you had left home? It made no sense to him. It was like there were missing puzzle pieces to you and no matter what angle he looked at it from, he could just not quite figure you out.

“Is there a reason why you left home, though?” he found himself asking before he could even process his words.

Maybe the answer to that was the only missing puzzle piece he needed to understand the whole picture. Maybe then he would see you like something other than a spoiled girl who had thrown a tantrum and ran away from home, yet was not willing to entirely let go of her privileged lifestyle and perfect public image.

A bittersweet smile curved up your lips, eyes intently staring at the dark liquid in your glass. “You really think I would’ve left my oh-so-perfect life without one?”

“Almost sounds as if it wasn’t that perfect”.

You shrugged, eyes travelling from his to anywhere else. In comparison to other families, to other lives as a whole, you knew you were privileged as hell. Perfect, however? It was way far from being so.

“Will you ever tell me said reason?” he wondered, not even trying to hide his interest anymore. “You know, so I can actually try and understand your situation?”

Locking your eyes with his chocolate ones for a second, you furrowed your eyebrows, genuinely considering to just drop all your problems on him so you could both get it off your chest and try to make him understand why you had done it. However, it was only that, a second — breaking the eye contact before you shook your head no, as if you had suddenly come back to your senses. “We’re not friends…”

He chuckled. “Is that your way of getting me to want to be your friend?”

You shook your head no again, a weak smile barely curving up your lips. “That is my way of telling you it’s personal”.

He nodded softly, understandingly. You were not friends, he knew that better than anyone, for it was him the one who had pushed you away ever since the beginning. It would be hypocritical of him to expect you to open up to him just like that. And although you wanted to trust him, although he was Jimin’s best friend and that alone made you feel like it would be alright to trust him, you did not.

You didn’t know if it was comical or tragic, how you had been living together and seeing each other daily for a month now, yet were complete strangers to each other.

“You don’t have to become my friend to know, though. So don’t worry about that” you tried to lighten up the mood. “Everyone will know in a little less than a year. Just be patient”.

“That big of a deal?” he raised one of his eyebrows.

You nodded quietly, for although you wished it wasn’t, it was indeed that big of a deal. If you failed, everyone would know you were getting married to Lee Sungjin. If you managed to prove you could fend for yourself, on the other hand, everyone would know your family was disowning you. Either way, no matter what happened, the media would make a big deal out of it. And honestly, you didn’t know which scenario was worse.

“Can we talk about something else that isn’t family related?” you pleaded.

“Fine by me” he sighed, raising his glass before he brought it up to his lips. “Any ideas?”

You shrugged, looking around in search for something that would make you come up with a new topic, anything that would take the attention away from your life yet keep him interested, until your eyes fixed on a few used brushes of his that remained inside a cup on one of the shelves at the other end of the living room.

“Your art?” you proposed, eyes going back to his already attentive ones and bringing your glass up to your mouth.

The simple mention of his work brought a smile to his face. “What about it?”

“Are you preparing for an exhibition or something like that?” you wondered. “You know, since ever since I got here you’ve spent most of your time locked up inside your studio…”

Taehyung nodded. “Yeah, I’m having an exhibition that’s kind of a big deal in a few weeks, and it’s driving me crazy”.

“Oh, really?” you tilted your head, genuine interest clear in your voice. “That’s great, though. What is it going to be about?”

“You sure you’ve got time for that?” he playfully squinted his eyes at you, that being the first time he had dropped his serious act in front of you. Good thing was, he could always blame it on the alcohol. “I could talk about art for days”.

You chuckled, taking another sip of wine and then shaking your head in amusement as a melancholic smile curved up the corners of your lips. So could you when you were younger, although you had really no one to talk to about it back then. It was nice, though, seeing someone be just as —if not more— eager about it as you used to be, and the fact that he could actually be able to express his excitement and love for it only made it better.

“Well, we’re not going anywhere tonight, so…”

Taehyung shook his head in amusement at your statement. You got a point, though — your respective bedrooms being as far as you would go that night, and considering getting there wouldn’t take you any more than ten seconds, it was fair to say you had the whole night ahead of you, or at least until you ran out of wine.

“You like popcorn?” he asked out of the blue, earning a giggle from you that for some reason had him biting down on his bottom lip not to smile as well.

“Weren’t you just about to start talking nonstop about your art?”

He rolled his eyes at the call-out. “Yes, but I’m hungry and have got lots of popcorn in the kitchen,” his eyes glanced over there for a second before they were back on you. “Plus, I need to text the guys to let them know I won’t be coming over anymore, so…”

You smiled, tilting your head over to the kitchen. “Off you go then, I’ll just wait here”.

“Is that a yes to the popcorn, though? Or...”

Another light laugh escaped your mouth at how uncertain he had sounded. “Totally a yes to the popcorn” you agreed, watching his tall figure as he stood up. “Never had it with wine before, though”.

“What?!” his eyebrows furrowed in utter disbelief. “That is like, my go-to friday night combo”.

“Nutritive” you teased him.

“Says the salad girl” he bit back, causing you to raise your free hand as a sign of truce, which had him once again rolling his eyes at you. “So what is it for the upper class? Good wine and fine cheese?”

“I mean...” you shrugged, sipping on your glass.

“You think you’ll be alright trying out such a lower class snack?” he teased, earning an amused smile from you as you shook your head and looked away, biting on your bottom lip to try and erase it.

“I’m sure I will make it” you let him know rather dramatically.

Letting out a low chuckle, he decided to say nothing more in return. Instead, he dug his hand in his pocket and took his phone out, starting to type on it —to let his friends know he was staying here, you guessed— as he a made his way over to the kitchen for what felt like the tenth time that night.

Taking your phone out of your purse as well, you leaned against the sofa as you scrolled through your social media while you waited for your roommate to come back, feeling a little bit more at ease now that you had managed to take your mind off things and the tension between you two had seemed to be gone.

Yes, you were not friends, and maybe you never would be. Maybe roommates was all there would ever be between the two of you, yet as long as you were able to hold a proper conversation every now and then, you knew you would be able to make it through this year in the end.