#but one ultimate sacrifice doesn't make up for everything they did and does nothing to help the people who are still affected

[tangents-within-tangents]

Ooh! Okay, I love all of that! Thank you for sharing lol you just gave me some epiphanies!

I hadn't quite been able to figure out the significance of Crosshair killing Nolan, like that action specifically, and I think what you said makes a lot of sense! Because it totally wouldn't have worked (narratively or like for the character) if he had just quietly defected after the fact.

Crosshair is really complicated, and since I was focusing more on the comparisons to Emerie I didn't get into all the aspects of his full arc (but at this point why not make the post even longer lolll). But I also noticed how often Crosshair identifies himself as a soldier, I actually originally had this exchange in my analysis:

Rampart: All that time, left for dead and yet you still came back. Why? Crosshair: I’m a soldier of the Empire. Rampart: I see. Your loyalty and determination are commendable.

(which side note, I realize that further shows the difference between those two! Crosshair is there to be a soldier whereas Rampart is just there for himself, like he can't even fathom Crosshair's loyalty after being abandoned like that)

Those recurring ideas of loyalty and purpose are directly tied to Crosshair's identity as a soldier, like that is where he finds his purpose and that's why this is what changes his mind:

Nolan: He served his purpose as a soldier of the Empire.

So the idea that killing Nolan isn't a desperate act of vengeance but Crosshair deliberately giving up his identity as a soldier just really clicks for me and makes that arc feel more complete in a way.

If it was purely self-preservation he could have just defected and run away. That would have been just cutting his losses and leaving the Empire solely because it no longer serves him. But unlike with Cody it's not enough for him to just stop serving the Empire. Instead by killing Nolan he actively rejects the Empire and "seals it in blood" by choosing treason and its consequences. It's like in that act he is 'killing' the soldier that he was for the Empire. (And if we bring the context of Mayday into it, it means that he would rather die defying the Empire than die for them.)

This also ties to my other favorite bit of the vulture symbolism! Which is this moment:

When Crosshair collapses and the stormtroopers close in to take him away, what would appear as his lowest point, the vulture soars upward. To me it shows that even in this dire moment Crosshair truly is finally free. It ensures that this is an internal triumph even if it looks like an external defeat. (And after this turning point he never does go back, even when he could have saved himself by giving Hemlock what he wanted in Tantiss)

So yeah thanks, I didn't quite realize that in killing Nolan he was choosing to be imprisoned or killed as traitor. I think that's a death 'redemption' I could get behind! Because it's not a sudden single sacrifice that supposedly absolves them of all wrongs without ever facing the repercussions (look at that you drew the rant for another time out of me lol), it's him 'killing' the version of himself that did those wrongs, rejecting that identity. It's not 'redeemed' through heroic death, it's like by the death itself (if that makes sense). And since he didn't actually die like he thought he would, he still has to live with the aftermath and implications of that change. Viewing it like that, it makes way more sense that the after-arc in S3 is about rebuilding his identity and finding new purpose with his family: "Omega needs all of us". (which also fits with the hand tremors thing (losing his identifying skill), and more possible parallels with the CX troopers since their "identities were erased" (though that plotline was pretty rushed so I don't even know) but I really like what you said about Ventress and Omega helping him realize things!)

But! He's still only facing the aftermath implications for himself, not for those he hurt with his actions, which is why to me his arc still isn't a 'redemption' in that sense. And @laughhardrunfastbekindsblog (sorry I don't want to keep reblogging my own beast of post lol) yeah it is 100% a valid arc/ change, I guess it depends on your definition of redemption, because to me the amends/accountability part is really important (something this posts (@antianakin) touches on, though I clearly disagree with the purpose of those characters' arcs). And to clarify, I'm not talking about the character himself, or what he's been through or deserves or whatever, it's about how it's written and what the story we are actually given is saying. That's what I'm critiquing.

With the above context I see how the change itself is really vital. I can get what you're saying that it "convinced Howzer that Crosshair had changed for the better, and that was good enough for him." And it is in-character honestly (Crosshair's not much for words) and it works for what it is.

What bothers me with those episodes (I guess we can do this rant now too lol might as well) is how the show/writing treats Howzer. Because it really feels like they are saying Howzer is in the wrong for not immediately accepting Crosshair, even though he has completely legitimate reasons to dislike and distrust Crosshair because of his actions. Even Hunter calls Howzer out when in the last episode he was just as rightfully distrusting of Crosshair's change until they talked it out. Crosshair doesn't show any remorse in those episodes, he comes off as pretty smug and dismissive instead, but Howzer still has to accept it anyway, mostly on his own by just observing Crosshair's behavior.

Like I said, Crosshair has changed and that's great, but he still did those things. The show had the perfect opportunity for him to face that here! To show that he regrets his past actions instead of just telling Hunter, and to act on those regrets by making amends with someone who was affected.

Like I think of this scene from Atla for comparison:

Suki: You kinda burned down my village. Zuko: Oh… sorry about that.

It's simple, it doesn't undo the wrong (reparations) but it still does the bare minimum of amends (and more is done with his reconciliation with the main characters). Yeah Suki can see that Zuko has changed by his actions (and he is actively fighting against the Fire Nation to help others) but they don't expect her to just accept that in and of itself, Zuko still shows and expresses remorse, and doesn't shame Suki for being upset about what happened. But with a very similar scene of 'changed person is confronted by a past wrong' we instead get this:

Howzer: Most of my squad from Ryloth is dead because of you! Crosshair: *blinks* Rex: Easy, Howzer!

Crosshair is confronted with someone who he directly harmed, but instead of exploring his accountability in the aftermath of his change they made it about his victim's acceptance and unearned forgiveness.

Crosshair's arc as it is (described at length above) works for me, but this does not. Like if they had done just this differently I think I honestly would be fine if everything else stays the same and Crosshair never actively goes against the Empire. Because it's not even about screen time, the opportunity was right there to tip the scales into an better-written actual redemption but they just didn't use it!

And I think that is why TBB as a whole has been frustrating me lately lol. The writing was honestly so good at times, so I can never dismiss it out right. But there are also so many ways it could have been SO MUCH better. And it was really close too which almost makes it worse! Because then we see these glimpses of what the show could have been to compare it to. The potential was there they just missed it, or often times actively avoided it. (But that truly is a discussion of another time, I've got a LOT of draft posts in the works lol)

Hot take:

Crosshair does not have the Imperial disillusionment and redemption arc of The Bad Batch

Emerie does.

Crosshair has an arc for sure yes but it's not that.

I was thinking about this scene:

and how it got right what this scene kinda didn't:

(It was so close but then bad writing decided to undercut the moment with a joke rip)

And I think it's really interesting that these characters who were more or less raised into the Empire/First Order and chose to leave it are all directly asked why.

But take a look at Crosshair's answers in comparison:

Different context for the asking, yes, but still, compare that to clones like Howzer, Cody, Slip and Cade who left or turned against the Empire because they knew what the Empire is doing is wrong and they weren't just going to blindly follow orders:

Crosshair - Loyalty, Purpose, and Survival

Crosshair didn't choose to join the Empire (though the show isn't very clear or consistent about how much control the inhibitor chips have) but he did, for whatever reason, choose to stay. By the end of S1 we know his chip has been removed and as he definitively says "This is who I am." There were likely still other influences on his decision, but listen to how he talks about the Empire in the S1 finale:

Hunter: Crosshair, I've seen what the Empire is doing. Occupying planets and silencing anyone who stands against them. You know it's not right. Crosshair: You still don’t see the bigger picture, but you will. Hunter: Can't you see they're using you?

Crosshair: We’re not like the regs, we never have been. We’re superior. The Empire can’t protect the galaxy without strength, this is what we were made for. Think of all we could do, together!

Crosshair: You all are meant for more than drifting through the galaxy. It’s time to stop running. Join the Empire, and you will have purpose again.

Hunter: They destroyed an entire city! Crosshair: They did what needed to be done. Kamino, regs, the Republic, that time is over. The Empire will control the entire galaxy, and I am going to be a part of it. Hunter: Don't fool yourself. All you'll ever be to them is a number.

He undeniably knows what the Empire is doing, but he does not care. In fact it sure sounds like he actually supports it and finds self-meaning in it. Hunter spends those episodes trying to convince him it's wrong, he doesn't change his mind. In the end they offer him an out and he doesn't take it.

Wrecker: You coming with us? Crosshair: None of this changes anything. Hunter: You offered us a chance, Crosshair. This is yours. Crosshair: I made my decision.

The next we see Crosshair in "The Solitary Clone" (S2:E3) he follows orders and shoots the Desix governor, right after Cody heartbreakingly tries to do what's right and find a peaceful solution.

Cody: Tell me something, Crosshair. This new Empire, are we making the galaxy better? Crosshair: We’re soldiers, we do what needs to be done. Cody: You know what makes us different from battle droids? We make our own decisions, our own choices. And we have to live with them too.

After this (glorious!) conversation, Crosshair stays. Maybe this began to seed some doubts, but he actually smiles a few scenes later when Rampart assigns him another mission. It seems like for him it truly is as he said in S1:E1 (chip not enhanced yet but still influencing him enough for his brothers to notice he's acting strange):

Crosshair: Republic, Empire... what's the difference.

Crosshair: Orders are orders.

This unethical mission that finally pushed Cody over the edge does not change Crosshair's mind about the Empire, at least not enough for him to take action.

But what does?

Mayday: And here we are, the survivors. Combat troopers stuck babysitting cargo shipments. Crosshair: Mission’s a mission. Mayday: Yeah, I used to say the same thing.

Mayday: After all the clones have done, all we’ve sacrificed. We’re good soldiers, we followed orders. And for what?

This mission has nothing to do with how the fascist Empire treats the galaxy, it's about how they treat their soldiers. It's about how Mayday loyally fought and served his whole life and Lieutenant Nolan let him die

Lt Nolan: He served his purpose as a soldier of the Empire. Crosshair: You could have saved him! Lt Nolan: Perhaps you didn’t hear me, he is expendable, as are you.

Crosshair thought he could find purpose within the Empire, and Nolan shows him exactly what that will be.

His turning point is accompanied with this powerful visual of the ice vulture, a symbol (and threat) of death, and also set up within the episode a symbol of survival:

Mayday: Vicious creatures, but you have to admire ‘em. They find a way to survive.

This critical moment (that gives me chills, oof this episode is a masterpiece!) comes right after Nolan calls him expendable and directly threatens him:

Lt Nolan: And if you speak to me again with such disrespect I'll see to it you meet a similar fate, clone.

then Crosshair sees the vulture's shadow and turns to Mayday's dead body (ahh visual storytelling my beloved) then makes his decision:

Crosshair turns against the Empire not because he believes Hunter was right about this:

Hunter: I've seen what the Empire is doing ... You know it's not right.

but because he was right about this:

Hunter: All you'll ever be to them is a number.

Redemption (both in fiction and irl in my humble opinion) comes with making amends and reparations (which is why death 'redemptions' bother me so much but that's a rant for another time). Unlike Emerie, Crosshair never explicitly denounces the Empire or his own actions within it. He never says anything to specifically show if and how his views have changed from what he said on Kamino. He makes amends with his family (sending the warning message, helping Omega escape, making up with Hunter) but that's about it. The most we get in terms of acknowledgement is this:

Crosshair: I thought I knew what I was getting into with the Empire. I thought I was being a good soldier. Hunter: Nobody really understood what was happening back then. Crosshair: I’ve... done things. I’ve made mistakes. Hunter: I have regrets too, Crosshair. All we can do is keep trying to be better, and who knows there just might be hope for us yet.

Which is nice and all but it's more about them making up as brothers so it's way too excusing tbh ("no one knew what was happening back then" ummm? "The Empire will control the entire galaxy, and I am going to be a part of it" remember? And even if at first Crosshair was being controlled by the chip, the fact that he chose to stay after it was removed* means he condones and is therefore still accountable for those actions).

There's also a bit of self-destructive guilt:

Crosshair: Omega, don't risk anything for me. I belong in here.

Crosshair: Omega needs you both. So I’m doing this alone, it’s what I deserve. Hunter: Don’t even think about plan 99, Crosshair. Omega needs all of us.

(which thank you Hunter for pushing back on the death redemption bs and oh look is that a wrap up for the purpose thing?)

But there's no action taken on his part to make up for what he's done or to stand against the Empire (aside from the bare minimum of help with Tantiss, only after it became personally relevant, which like yeah he had trauma to deal with but still).

While I do think the implications/follow-up of Crosshair's turn should have been handled better in S3 (like rip Howzer! he deserved an apology, but that's a rant for another time), I don't necessarily** think this arc is a bad writing choice. It's just saying different things than we expect:

Maybe Crosshair's story is not about standing up against an unjust system, like we see with many other characters (who deserved more screen time but that's a rant for another timeeee). Maybe his story is about how even those who are loyal to the Empire, who actually believe in it, still suffer under and within it's rule. Not to garner sympathy, but to show that there is no winning.

Crosshair has another 'so what changed' convo in S3:E14 with Rampart, in which they draw parallels to each other:

Rampart: You used to believe good soldiers followed orders. Crosshair: Depends on who's giving them. The Empire betrayed us both. Rampart: And you think you can fight them? That's not you. You're like me, loyal to no one but yourself. Crosshair: I've changed.

(note how he says who's giving the orders, not what the orders are)

"Loyal to no one but yourself" describes Rampart much more than Crosshair, since we often saw Crosshair pride himself as a loyal soldier of the Empire whereas we saw Rampart abuse power to be self-serving within the Empire (like when he killed Wilco to save face). But they were both betrayed either way. Vice Admiral Rampart, snively Imperial opportunist through-and-through, shouts "I was following orders!" as he is arrested for the Empire's purposes.

Even Hemlock, the final boss immoral Imperial scientist, who has to be benefiting the most from this system, echoes the expendability idea:

Hemlock: What I am working on is beyond your understanding. Something so vital to the Empire it makes me indispensable.

Then there's CX-2, also set up as a parallel/foil to Crosshair (fight me), who in the end is discarded as no more than a weapon, a tool that served it's purpose, showing us what would have become of Crosshair if he had stayed.

There is no winning in the Empire. Loyalty is not rewarded, it "doesn't go both ways." Everyone has to fight for their value. Even high ranking individuals** who for a time benefit from the injustice, in the end are just pawns to be used up and cast aside at a whim for the Emperor's gain. Even people who are motivated by self-interest alone cannot survive within this system, the only viable option in this galaxy is to fight the Empire and dismantle that system. (unless you conveniently find a magically safe island to hide away on but that's a rAnT fOr AnOtHeR tImE)

Which brings us back to...

Emerie - Cooperation, Compassion, and Choice

(Okay this post has already gotten away from me but I still want to talk about her to show the contrasts.)

Emerie may not have been given a lot of screen time to really flesh out her development, but there is a lot that is pretty clearly implied with her:

Crosshair: They’ll never turn her [Omega] over. Hemlock: They don’t have a choice. She is a clone, and therefore Imperial property. *Camera cuts to an angle more centered on Emerie’s face*

Crosshair: Give me your access card! Emerie: It won’t get you outside!

Emerie: I tried to warn him what would happen if he did not cooperate with the Doctor.

Emerie: Prisoner? Omega, you are no such thing. It will take time to adjust, but you will acclimate. It is far safer in here than out there.

Emerie: You should go back to your room. Crosshair: You mean her cell?

Emerie: Why children? Hemlock: Children are easier to attain and more agreeable to the subjugations. They are unaware of why they are here and what they possess.

Emerie: They're children. Like I was... Was your plan to discard them too? Nala Se: The Empire will keep them in order to control them.

We don't know a lot about Emerie's background, but it's clear that she had a lot less choice than Crosshair and less opportunity or ability to leave. Unlike Crosshair, we never directly hear Emerie's views of the Empire (and she was most likely 'taken under Hemlock's wing' before the Empire even came to power), but lets look at how she talks about the Tantiss:

"Remain calm. Cooperate and you might survive."

"Don't make this worse, Crosshair! There is no escape!"

"All of us serve a purpose here."

"The Doctor will inform me, if it's necessary."

"It's best not to ask questions."

"Escape is not possible, Omega. This is for your own good."

She honestly does the best she can within the system she is also trapped in. She tries to help Crosshair, Omega, and the vault kids in the only way she knows how (warns Crosshair about the hounds and security, tries to protect Omega from Hemlock, tells Scorch his "actions were extreme" with Jax, insists on overseeing Bayrn's retrieval, double checks his m-count (to give him an out), and tries to find out where he came from). When she gives Omega, and later Eva, the doll, I think it shows just how little she really is able to do here (and it's kinda heartbreaking imo).

The framing of this shot especially (after Jax's escape attempt) visually shows how Emerie herself is trapped/imprisoned:

Despite the fact that very little of this is Emerie's fault, she has very little power and she is doing all she can, the narrative does not excuse her role in the Empire:

Nala Se: What will you do, Emerie? Emerie: There is nothing I can do. I don't have that kind of power. Nala Se: Don't you?

Emerie: I- I was doing my job. Echo: Yeah, I’ve heard that before. You’re a clone. How can you be part of this?

These fighting-the-Bystander-Effect conversations parallel these exchanges:

Hunter: We made a choice, and so did you. Crosshair: Soldiers follow orders. Hunter: Blind allegiance makes you a pawn.

Crosshair: We’re soldiers, we do what needs to be done. Cody: You know what makes us different from battle droids? We make our own decisions, our own choices. And we have to live with them too.

which did not change Crosshair's mind. And honestly, all respect to Echo's disappointed mom glare™ but I think it's clear Emerie had already made her decision, she just needed help to actually be able to do anything about it. When she stopped Echo, with her voice wavering on the verge of tears (ahhh v good voice acting), she clearly had no intention of turning him in. She's on her own in the Empire's most secure facility with very little resources, if she had tried anything on her own she most likely would have failed and been killed

Omega: Emerie, you don't have to do this. Emerie: (sigh) I’m sorry, but I do.

but as soon as she is enabled by an ally, she immediately turns around to help: giving information and getting Echo through security, helping the kids escape, and giving Omega the tablet that allows them to free the other clone prisoners.

Where Crosshair's turn is accompanied by the symbolic imagery of the ice vulture, Emerie's is the removal of her (literally rose-tinted!) glasses:

Symbolizing how she has shed her previous views/indoctrination that altered her perception of the Empire and blinded her to it's wrongs. It's disillusionment.

Emerie's story shows us that even those who are raised and indoctrinated into this system can, should, and will escape (with needed help). Even those who did not choose to be apart of the Empire and are not making the decisions still have the responsibility and ability to act on what they know is right.

Emerie, whose name means 'Home strength' 'Brave' and 'Powerful', and "reflects the importance of leadership and authority in the workplace".***

While Emerie is only in one more scene after her turn, so the wrap up is a bit rushed, she still very simply does what Crosshair does not:

Emerie: Because I was wrong about this place. And I'm trying to do the right thing.

Echo: I’m sure Senator Chuchi would find what you have to say very helpful for our cause. Emerie: I have a lot to make up for. I’d like to help out however I can.

She admits wrong, takes accountability, commits to making amends, and leaves with Echo to go take on the Empire (which hopefully we will get to actually see more of some day).

So, in short, she's showing us how redemption is done right!

---

Notes:

*Whether this writing choice was good/logical/in-character or not is another discussion entirely, but I'm going off of what we were given, what the show is presenting in the canon text and (reasonably inferred/intentional) subtext. Crosshair is pretty multifaceted and I could only touch on so much here. There's a lot of ways to interpret his character/choices, but I tried to avoid the realm of speculation or fanon explanations (even if they sometimes make more sense lol).

**History and political theory are not my area of expertise at all, so I have NO idea how well this aligns with real-world fascism stuff and therefore what implications this storytelling choice could have. I think the message of like 'if you think you could survive or gain power by doing what the Empire/fascist system wants you are wrong' could be good (like how everyone is actually harmed by the patriarchy type of a thing), but I hesitate bc maybe there are those who would benefit, since it's a hierarchal system, right? If anyone more knowledgeable than me has incite to share, by all means

Either way, I do think it works in-story and in-universe though. It's just in the execution. The main problem (even from a strictly theme/character arc stand point) is the lacking follow-up/consequences for Crosshair in S3. Like you gave your character accountability by removing the chip and I think that's great setup for an arc but you gotta follow through with that and actually hold him accountable!

***I'm always curious when clones have 'normal' names, like why did they chose the name Emerie of all things? So I looked it up. Idk how reliable sources are for name meanings so take it with a grain of salt but it's still fun. Fits pretty well, and clones names have definitely had significant meanings in the past (like how Rex and Jesse both mean 'king') so I'm pretty sure it was intentional.

Anyway, thanks for coming to my tedtalk

[cleabellanov]

"But Lokius isn't even canon! Stop making everything gay!"

...

The Loki series isn't just about romantic relationships and shouldn't be seen as so. However, there is a lot of subtext. Maybe this ship is not canon, but it was intended to be seen as so by the fans.

If Lokius isn't canon, then why were the last two shots of the series showing Mobius and Loki?

If Lokius isn't canon, why would there be so much touching and scenes so physically close to one another? (believe me I know they're friends. that just offers a solid base for something more)

If Lokius isn't canon, why is there an OFFICIAL track named like that?

Why is said track played or incorporated in different scenes of the series? like

-the first McDonalds meeting with Sylvie,

-the back-in-time conversation with Kang

- the ASCENSION to the throne?

Why is the Sylvie and Loki kiss never mentioned, by the producers, in the series per se, or even in the season 1 recap?

Why is Mobius the only one looking at Loki when he leaves down to the temporal loom?

And the other way around, why did Loki only make eye contact with Mobius in that scene?

Why is Mobius the only one to notice there is something wrong when Loki is still trying to fix the Loom?

Why did Mobius/Don on the original timeline, mention he's single, trust a complete stranger, invite him for a drink, AND offer to sell him a quite personal jet-ski?

Why did Loki, the LITERAL GOD OF MISCHIEF stutter and fix his hair and coat for no one else but Mobius (who by the way is just a jetski salesman on that timeline)?

Why is the timeslipping Loki had to go through directed to Mobius twice, him being the the only one he doesn't need a TemPad to "recruit"?

Why would Loki bring up Thor and Jane if it wasn't to mirror him and Mobius? (because, as he already was talking to Sylvie, he certainly wasn't implying it's about her. They were arguing, AND Mobius was implied in the conversation. Loki defended him in front of Sylvie, in case you forgot.)

Why would Mobius's voice be the one to echo back to Loki on his throne? let time pass time pass time pass

Why the RAINBOW?

WHY DID LOKI LOOK AT MOBIUS RIGHT BEFORE THE FAMOUS LINE "IT'S ABOUT WHO"? (important mention: Sylvie was behind him when he said that. why didn't he just turn around when saying it? nope, they know what they're doing)

Why is the shot cut to Mobi after Loki's "it was more about what I wanted" line?

Why the shot where 7 characters could've been showed (Mobius, Loki, Sylvie, B-15, Casey, O.B., Victor Timely) there are only 2: Mobius and Loki?

Why is Mobius the only one to tell Loki he can be someone good, and the first one Loki actually believes despite his tendency to do the other way around in the past?

Why does Mobius finally find insight, and reinvent his whole life at the TVA because Loki helped him do so? (they're not even the first Loki variant he faced, but something clicked this time)

Why does the bloody sleeve, representing Loki being hurt by Sylvie just because he "wore his heart on his sleeve" disappear on episode 2? (because he finally understands who he needs to be next to)

Why did Mobius risk his life on the first episode?

Why did Loki go to past Mobius for the final advice, not to the present one, not to Sylvie?

Why did Loki ultimately sacrifice his life for the ones he loves?

And why is Mobius left alone, with the door locked, after Loki leaves in the Loom's radiation?

Why would there be so much endearing looks, and smiles at each other, if not for a conscious acting choice?

Why why why why why if it isn't canon?

Nothing is for nothing. Especially in television, where everything counts from the light to the angles and the way the lines are spoken.

We don't need to see two characters kiss to know they are made for one another. In fact, I think implied canon is so much better for now, because it leaves free interpretation for the fans, and nothing to strike on for the haters.

Of course, that doesn't change the fact that the ending is still tragic, although it holds its sweet from bittersweet. But remember: there aren't tragedies without love.

[teambyler]

The most heartbreaking way Byler can culminate (and how I predict it will)

(pic from 80smayfieldz)

Just cry me with today, okay? :')

We all know that when Mike and Will confess their love it has to be EPIC. Like, extreme circumstances need to happen to make these gay boys in an 80s small town confess their love. It's the only way a romance with THIS much build-up over years should pay off.

Bylers need to watch this scene from the Season 1 finale of Agents of SHIELD (Warning: spoilery if you plan to watch this old show... and you will cry!) It's two LONG-TIME BEST FRIENDS but only one can make it out alive. A secretly loves B and has avoided confessing his love because he thinks it's unrequited. He finally admits it, to explain why he's making the ultimate sacrifice.

Now think of Mike and Will on a dangerous mission that is KEY to saving Hawkins. Maybe they're in the church that Noah and Finn are shooting a scene in. Will realizes only one of them can make it out alive, and decides it'll be Mike:

Mike: "There's got to be another way, that's RIDICULOUS! You can't do this, you're my best friend!" Will: "You're more than that, Mike (can't believe he said it, fights back tears) ... Now, PLEASE..."

This is my best prediction of how it'll go. WILL confessing to MIKE makes more sense writing-wise. Mike probably figures out the Painting Lie early in s5, but how he feels for Will remains a mystery. So how MIKE responds to a love confession is uncertain.

This is a season where the Duffers have hinted they'll highlight Will's courage. So he can finish his coming-out arc by telling the person he loves. The Duffers have said Will, always the protected one, the rescued one, will come into his own in s5. I think this means he gets to be the hero this time. It will be a poetic way for Will to finally thank Mike for everything he did for him in s1 and s2; it gives symmetry to their relationship. And it would be a heroic send-off for Will.

(And NO I don't think Will will die. We gays have already had our Reddie and Destiel tragedies. Will dying would go against how the Duffers have set this show up.)

What will Mike do, when confronted with losing Will forever?

We know how he felt once before...

Mike offers himself instead, but for the mission it needs to be Will. This is the last time he'll see Will alive.

Does Mike tell Will he loves him? We know the boy struggles with saying how he feels.

Mike begs Will not to die. He can't lose him AGAIN. He couldn't live if he did. When Will doesn't believe it, MIKE KISSES HIM.

Actions, not words. ("I didn't say it." "You didn't have to.")

Mike insists on staying. Will tries to make him leave, but he refuses.

"You've always been an idiot, Mike." Will doesn't know to laugh or cry. He's sad... not about dying, but regrets the years they lost not being together.

They kiss again and hold each other tightly... And we again hear Peter Gabriel, as the church walls fall and the world is about to end:

And we kissed as though nothing could fall And the shame The shame was on the other side And we can be heroes just for one day.

-teambyler

[mybworlds]

Chapter 7: A New Dawn

Pairing: joel miller x f!reader (no use of Y/N) | Rating: 18+ Minors DNI | W.C.: 4.8k

Summary: Your life sounds perfect: you live with a perfect man, you live in your dream house, you do the job you love, you don't miss anything, except love and passion.

Warnings: no use of Y/N, use of you, reader is a photographer, reader has no physical descriptions except hair (no type or color) long enough to hold on to, unspecified age gap, Joel and reader are two cheaters, for a while. Smut, use of pet names, dirty talk, masturbation, unprotected PiV but the first time, creampies, comeplay, oral (both f and m recieving), exhibitionism, size kink, personal use of an unspecified sex toy. No outbreak here. Let me know if I missed anything!

Masterlist

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Thx for the dividers @saradika-graphics

Taglist @harriedandharassed

Since that morning, you and Joel have been seeing each other more and more often, talking, but above all fucking. You also take some time to talk and get to know each other better. Your initial attempts to keep this relationship confined to something physical is slowly giving way to something else.

You don't know what it is, you just know you can't help but see him. Finding yourself in his arms has become something you can't help it. And when you don't see him, it almost feels like you're doing yourself some useless, unbearable violence.

The first few times you were so ashamed of what you had done and how you felt. Today, you are fine, but you can't help but feel confused. You are experiencing something beautiful, but in the moment and in the wrong way.

After fucking, you and Joel got into the habit of him lying on his back on the bed or couch and you lying on top of him, sometimes with your head resting on his chest, others with your nose hidden in the crook of his neck. You keep telling yourselves that your encounters are limited to sex, but slowly you feel that the boundaries of that situation are slowly crumbling.

You fear that Patrick is starting to understand something, not so much because of your now habitual outings. Those were already there before Joel came into your life. What has changed is that you can't even have physical intercourse with Patrick anymore, not even twice a month. You don't feel like it, you make up the classic excuse of a headache or feeling faint, but you don't know how much longer you can make up these excuses and avoid sporadic encounters with your boyfriend.

Talking about it with Daisy doesn't help you, in fact she sometimes suggests you to make this sacrifice or to leave Patrick, but once again you don't feel like giving this pain to your historical boyfriend.

One morning, like any other, you are going to Joel's place and when you are already a few meters from his house, you see a woman knocking on his door, you stop, speechless, and observe the scene: Joel opens the door and you see her almost embarrassedly greet Joel, then you see him hug her and then he gestures with his head inviting her to come in and the door closes behind them. She is a beautiful woman, sophisticated, her hair seems to be so fluffy, her clothes seem to have been purchased in some expensive boutique.

You swallow, you are speechless. Who is this woman? Why did he hug her? Why did they seem so intimate? But above all, why does it hurt you to have witnessed that scene which ultimately means everything and nothing?

You shake your head feeling stupid and walk back.

You knew that things with Joel could never go in a certain way; and yet, the way things were evolving, you almost believed that there was more between you than sex. You're a poor deluded girl, an idiot, you swallow this umpteenth bitter pill and go back to the shop, you start working frantically, anything just to avoid thinking about Joel and that scene, just to not think that that woman is another one he takes home, another one like you. When you look up from the computer, it's almost evening and luckily you're very tired, so tonight you will collapse once you get home.

When you're finally home, you close the door and take off your shoes, sitting on a chair in the entrance hall. Patrick appears from the kitchen wearing an apron full of sauce stains, “Hey,” he greets you with a smile, “are you okay?” he asks, coming closer and giving you a kiss on the lips.

“Hi,” you greet him, wrapping your arms around his neck, “how was your day?”

“Full, but since I saw that you weren't coming back, I tried my hand at a recipe I found on the Internet and then, I hope you'll forgive me if I didn't tell you about it before, but I invited Joel for dinner.” you pull your arms away from him “Do you remember him? He's an old friend of mine, he has his own company and he was left alone after his wife went back to Michigan with their daughter,” you nod “do you mind?”

You shrug, “Okay. Honey, I won't be joining you for dinner though,” he's about to ask you why but you beat him to it, “I'm really tired, I have a bad headache and a bit of nausea; so, I take a shower and go to bed.” you add by getting up from the chair and making to go directly up.

“At least say hello to him and please stay with him for ten minutes, while I'm in the kitchen, then I promise I'll let you rest.” You nod with a sigh “I'm sorry you're not feeling well,” you shrug with a half smile, “now please entertain him, okay?”

You nod, then he places a quick kiss on your lips and leaves.

You enter the living room and see Joel intent on looking at your photos, you see him clutching in his hands a photo of you and your fiance at the seaside from almost eight years ago, you were still so happy then and the smile immortalized in that picture is proof of this. You clear your throat and he turns towards you, you see him looking behind you, perhaps convinced he will find Patrick behind you, when he realizes you are alone, he approaches you.

You greet him, but it's a different greeting. You're cold. You act as if it's really the second time you've seen him, he frowns and opens his lips, shakes his head as if to ask you what's going on, but you don't add anything. You simply straighten your skirt and sit on the couch, “How are you, Mr. Miller?” you ask him in a polite, but cold tone.

He looks at you perplexed, looks towards the door for a few seconds and when he hears the noises coming from the kitchen, he sits down next to you, “What's wrong? Is something wrong?” His tone of voice is gentle and this makes you even more furious, but you decide not to react as you would like.

“Everything's fine, thanks. I'm just very tired. How are you?”

“Uhm, I don’t understand . . . what – what’s going on?” he asks you again.

“Tsk, really? Are you serious?” you ask him, looking toward the door that Patrick doesn't enter through.

“Um, I’m confused.” he replies, looking at you like you’re crazy. “Did something happen? Why are you treating me like this? Until yesterday…”

You sigh loudly, “Well, things have changed from what I saw.” you reply using a sour tone.

He frowns, “What are you talking about?”

“It’s none of my business and so I don’t want to know anything.” You continue, ignoring his question. “But I want to know if you’re seeing more than one woman at the same time and if you say the same things to all of us.”

“I still don’t understand,” he replies again.

“I’ll try to be more explicit,” you say, “did you also invite that woman who knocked on your door this morning to just fuck?” you ask him, looking him in the eyes and suddenly feeling wrong because after all you have never said you were in an exclusive relationship, and you even less so.

“That’s my ex-wife,” he replies using an obvious and almost offended tone, “and she came to talk to me about our daughter who was noticed by one of the most important football observers.” you frown in puzzlement “It's the truth, Sarah has been participating in soccer competitions since she was a child and now it seems she has been noticed by this coach and apparently they picked her for a Santa Barbara football team.” he explains to you, breathing deeply. He sighs and looks at you “I don't really agree, but it seems like Sarah cares and I'd like to talk to her before I say yes or no.”

“Why did you hug her? Didn’t you say things weren’t great between you two?” you ask him, feeling stupid.

“She was my partner for a long time and I still care about her, but a hug doesn't mean anything.” he replies, making that feeling of unease in you worsen. “If I offended you, I’m sorry,” he adds, shrugging.

You look down, not knowing what to say. You shouldn't have even made that scene.

By what right?

You shake your head, “No, I’m sorry. I'm the one who shouldn't have treated you like this and asked you for explanations, you don't have to give me any.” You sigh, “I overdid it.”

“A little,” he confirms, raising his eyebrows slightly, “but you’re right.” He replies, “I let you into my privacy and now I think it’s right that you’re confused.” you nod, struggling to hold his gaze. You feel guilty.

He places a hand on yours and you look up, “And to answer your question, no. I don't see multiple women at the same time and everything I've confided in you, I've told you and only you. Then I told you the other morning, no one has ever slept in my bed nor have I ever hugged anyone after having had intimate relations.” you feel your stomach twist and you feel special in a way.

“Can you forgive me?” you ask, looking into his eyes.

He tightens his grip on your hand, “I have nothing to forgive you.” He smiles weakly at you, you both sigh, then before you think Patrick is in the other room cooking and before you remember that he could catch you at any moment, you throw your arms around his neck and kiss him.

You kiss him slowly, you gently caress his cheeks feeling them rough in perfect contrast with his plushy lips, every time you kiss him you feel the same sensation, you feel at peace, safe. You know very well that it shouldn't be like this at all, you shouldn't feel peace in Joel's arms, but in Patrick's and instead...

You hear footsteps and immediately move away, you compose yourself as best you can and almost jump off the sofa when Patrick enters announcing that he has prepared his very own version of the Corn chowder, you say goodbye with a “Well, it was a pleasure, you're welcome to come over anytime, Joel. Patrick, I'm going up.”

You are really tired, but you can't sleep. You stare at the ceiling, while you hear the muffled voices of your man and your lover coming from downstairs. Maybe this is what keeps you awake at night: the awareness of your repeated betrayal and an inexplicable jealousy towards Joel. You inhale and exhale deeply, how can you deny yourself Joel's constant and almost daily presence?

When you wake up the next day, you have the urge to text Joel, but then you think better of it. You put the phone back on the nightstand and lie down again.

You were pathetic last night.

You made yourself look like a jealous woman, even though you had no right to be. You turn to Patrick who is sleeping blissfully on his left side. You really should talk to him.

About Joel? About the fact that you've been seeing him for months now? About the fact that you're jealous of him, but can't get away from Patrick?

Yes, it seems like a good plan. At least until you think of the best words to avoid hurting his feelings. And you can't find any that make you seem less of a bad person than you are.

You stare at the ceiling in thought. Joel never told you to leave Patrick, on the contrary. He never mentioned it. He never told you to take that leap that would put an end to your comfort zone with Patrick to be with him. He undoubtedly confided in you many things, he allowed you to stay with him in his bed, he held you close after fucking you, but that doesn't mean anything. Right?

You try to start your day and try to ignore the fact that you'd like to text him and see him. You walk up and down the kitchen. There is no voice or engine roar to break the silence of Sunday morning. Your thoughts are making even more noise. You decide to get to the stove and make some pancakes, you mix eggs and flour and wait for the batter to rest.

“Hey,” it’s Patrick who enters the kitchen barefoot and rubbing his eyes, “what are you doing?”

“I'm making pancakes.” You answer him, looking at his messy hair. He snorts, “What is it?” you ask him.

“But you can’t even make two fried eggs!” he exclaims.

You look at him offended, “I can always learn!” you exclaim turning your back on him.

It's true, you've never been a great cook, but pointing it out every time you try won't make you better!

“Yeah, like that time you added oil halfway through cooking a pan and you almost ended up in the hospital! Honey, I told you never to do that again.”

“But why?” you hiss through your teeth, turning to him “Why do you treat me like this? You should support me regardless of whether I can do something or not.”

“Baby, but that’s it!”

You shake your head, “That’s not true. You just belittle me. Every chance you get.”

He rolls his eyes, “I get it, you woke up this morning feeling argumentative.” he says sitting on a kitchen stool and running a hand through his hair “I want the best for you, baby.”

“And what would that be?” you ask him “Tell me what’s best for me since you always know what’s best for me.” you urge him.

He huffs, getting up from his chair, “Let’s forget it, I don’t want to argue with you. Maybe you do, but I don’t care.” he leaves the kitchen.

“Where are you going?” you ask him.

“I'm going to take a shower and go out for breakfast.” he replies. “I want to avoid poisoning.”

You hear him go upstairs and then you hear the door close. You feel nauseous, Patrick can be wonderful, but he can also be very bad and he just showed you. Or maybe that veil that you had before your eyes has suddenly torn and now you can see clearly.

Patrick has always been selfish and maybe it's you who didn't want to see or understand. You always told yourself that he was wonderful, that he understood you, but maybe he never really did.

An ever-increasing nausea seems to want to overwhelm you as a completely new reality appears before your eyes: your story is over. And it ended long before Joel came into your life, but you had found a balance that you were able to accept, all in all.

Patrick appears in the doorway moments later, wearing his best tuxedo and with his hair slicked back. He's beautiful, despite everything.

“I’m going to work. Don’t do any damage!” he exclaims, then disappears from your sight.

“Fuck you.” you blurt out when you hear the door close. The batter is full of bubbles and ready to be heated and put on the stove, but in anger you throw it away.

Do you really want to live like this? You ask yourself. Do you like living like this? Are you really that masochistic?

You go upstairs, pack a bag and text Daisy asking if she and Jordan can put you up for a few days. You feel confused and disappointed at the same time, you feel like a thief because you are running away from what is your home while Patrick is not there and at the same time you feel good because you hope with all your heart that with this act of rebellion of yours, Patrick also understands that there is something wrong in your relationship.

There was a gear that probably acted as a glue to your relationship and Patrick's words seem to have broken it and then pulverized it. You have been patient in these years, you've put up with not being able to have a child, not being able to get married, often being treated as if you were worth less than his person or his work, but now that's enough. You can't take it anymore.

It's true that you cheated on Patrick and you don't feel proud of it, but maybe it's thanks to all this that you've understood that maybe Patrick isn't the man of your life. Surely Joel isn't either, you are aware of it, at least he has never criticized or mistreated you even with a look or words like Patrick did until few minutes ago.

You collapse on the bed feeling almost crushed by the awareness of everything you have had to endure in these years, but above all everything you have accepted in silence and with a smile on your lips.

Your shirts tight to your stomach. You feel empty. Demeaned. Debased. You stare out the window feeling like a failure. A failure on every level. All these years you kept telling yourself that your life is perfect just the way it is, you kept telling yourself that your job is enough to compensate for your life, you kept telling yourself that Patrick talks to you this way because he knows what's best for you.

But that's enough now.

A notification from your phone brings you back to reality. It's Daisy. She writes to you that you can go to their place right away, the keys are in the vase of red roses on the porch.

You love her.

You sniff and close your eyes, breathing deeply as if to gather courage to do what you now intend to do and not procrastinate any longer.

You open your eyes, get up and put the last shirts in the bag. You take your last things and then close the bag. You look around one last time as if to observe your life, that life you had until less than an hour ago and are now preparing to abandon. Shivers, so many shivers run down your spine like electricity along electrical wires before you turn your back on your bedroom and walk down the stairs.

You walk straight to the door, your bunch of keys in your hands, which you turn over in your fingers a couple of times, “Goodbye, Patrick,” you murmur, leaving them on the entrance hall cabinet.

You tell yourself, as you close the door behind you, that you are a coward and that you should have waited and talked to him before leaving everything behind. But you also know that Patrick would have found a way to make you stay and you no longer intend to do that. Not on his terms.

Daisy is such a sweetheart. She listens to your outbursts, makes you comfortable in the guest room. She does everything to make you feel at ease right away. She tells you that you can stay with them as long as you want. You thank her warmly, but you know well that you cannot and will not want to stay with them for long.

You have your old little apartment in the suburbs. You need to renovate it a bit, but then you can go back. You have your job. In short, you have the means to live. You don't have to depend on Patrick and on his job.

Patrick.

You know very well that he will try to make you go back on your steps, you know that he will make you feel guilty and that he will try any way to make you go back.

You feel unsettled. You didn't think that preparing something in the kitchen would cause all this.

Your phone vibrates and Patrick's name appears on the screen. You put the phone on the nightstand and turn away. Your phone continues to buzz for a while, then you hear a notification.

You don't know if you want to hear him at least for now.

You hear another notification, the sound is different. That's what you had set for Joel's messages. You almost turn completely towards your phone to then grab it and unlock it.

[05:33 p.m. Joel] You okay?

Your boyfriend, or whoever he was or still is, you don't know anymore, did he call Joel or are you getting paranoid?

[05:34 p.m. You] Yeah.

But you are not.

[05:35 p.m. You] No.

His response is instantaneous.

[05:35 p.m. Joel] Can u talk?

You are the one who calls him. He answers the call right away, “Hey, what’s up?” His tone is concerned, as if he really cares.

Where do you start?

“I left.” you say in a breath, realizing how ambiguous and strange this statement of yours sounds at the same time.

“You left?” he repeats perplexedly “What do you mean?”

“I…” you take a deep breath “I left home and Patrick too.” The silence that follows makes you think for a moment that the phone line has gone dead “Are you still there?” you ask uncertainly.

“I’m here.” Joel responds a few seconds later.

You don't know how to continue the conversation, Joel a few moments later speaks again “Why did you do that?”

His question confuses you.

You did it for yourself. However, this is not the answer that comes out of your lips, “I don't love him anymore. I loved and maybe I will always love his memory, what we could have been and who we were. Together.” Your heart beats furiously in your chest “That’s why I did it.”

Joel is silent. You hear him breathing. You close your eyes and for a moment you almost hope he tells you that he will be there soon to hug you, but it won't happen and you keep repeating this to yourself over and over again before asking him changing the subject, “Have you decided about your daughter?”

“Yes, well... her coach sent me all the documentation of this football team and he wrote that she will also have a scholarship.”

“That’s great.” you say enthusiastically forgetting your problems for a moment “She will be thrilled, I guess.”

“She is.” he confirms “First she called me asking if I had read the email.”

“And what did you say?”

“I told her I’m having problems with the phone line.”

“Joel!” you exclaim, smiling for the first time today.

“I need some time, y’know. And besides, I never see her already, if she goes to Santa Barbara she will be even further away!”

“It’s none of my business, but let me tell you this. You’ll always be her father and she’ll always be your daughter. Even if she goes to the other side of the world.”

Joel doesn't say anything for a long moment, he doesn't comment on what you just said, and you can't help wondering what he's thinking, maybe he's thinking about how to answer you back?

“Thank you. I really appreciate what you said.”

“Anytime.”

For a while neither of you say anything. You just listen to each other's breathing. “Thank you for writing to me.” you whisper.

“I was thinking about you,” he admits, “I was thinking about what you said to me the other night, your tone of voice made you seem very annoyed...”

“I’m sorry,” you say interrupting him “I shouldn't have made that scene the other night. I have no right to do so.” you tell him even though you're actually saying it more to yourself.

“No, you shouldn’t have,” he tells you, as you feel your stomach tighten “But, I shouldn't have interfered in your life either.”

“You saved me.” you whisper.

“No, I didn’t.”

“You did.” you reply “You helped me open my eyes.”

“You just needed some time.” he says.

“And the right person.” you add smiling again.

He remains silent, “I’m not sure I’m the right person, but if I helped you clear things up… well, you’re welcome.”

“Joel?”

“Uh?”

“Would you like to have a beer tomorrow night?” you suggest.

“Why wait until tomorrow night?” you smile. “I’ll pick you up in half an hour. Send me the address.”

Joel came to pick you up exactly half an hour later. You greet each other almost shyly and with a slight embarrassment when you find yourself looking into each other's eyes.

Along the way you remain silent, you don't know what to say to him. You feel like you're in a car without brakes when you're with him, you're afraid of how fast it's going, but at the same time it thrills you and you want to see where this crazy ride will take you.

The place is quite crowded, in the background there is a song by a band from a few years ago sung by a small live group.

Joel takes you by the hand for a brief moment leading you towards a table. Joel walks away for a moment and returns after a while with two bottles of beer in his hands.

You start sipping, looking into each other's eyes every now and then. Then you find the courage to ask the question that's building up in your head.

“Why are we here? Why did you want to see me tonight?” you ask him, placing the bottle on the table and looking into his brown eyes.

He looks you in the eye and then puts the bottle down too, “I wanted to see you.”

“Why?” you ask again.

The song ends and the drumming stops, the band thanks and some people clap their hands and some whistle in approval.

Joel seems nervous to you, he rubs his knuckles nervously and then looks at you, you look at him and then glance back at the band who are now drinking. You look back at the man in front of you, you see him grit his teeth. You sigh and then take another sip of beer.

“Did you talk to him?” he asks without answering your question.

“Not yet.” you shake your head.

“You should.”

“I know, but I don't know what to say to him.” you reply.

“After all the time you spent together?” he asks, as the band resumes playing a much softer song.

“I know it may sound crazy, but I don’t know what to say to him.” you answer sipping your beer “It's like I've been freed from a weight and found the courage to let everything go.”

He nods, “No second thoughts?” you shake your head “So, can I ask you to this dance?” he asks turning his gaze towards the band.

“But nobody’s dancing!” you exclaim, looking first towards the club and then towards Joel.

A small grin appears on his handsome face, “It will mean that we would be the first.” he reaches out his hand “Shall we dance?”

You smile at him, grabbing his hand.

I love you too much

To live without you loving me back

You reach the center of the dance floor, you feel everyone’s eyes on you. You look around, but Joel just squeezes your hand, making you focus on him. He leans in close to your ear, “Do you remember how to dance?” he asks you provocatively.

I love you too much

Heaven's my witness and this is a fact

I know I belong

When I sing this song

He takes your hands and places them behind his neck, then he places his hands on your hips bringing you closer to him. Your heart pounds in your chest and for a moment you think about how much your life has changed since Joel came into your life.

“You know, no one ever knew about my daughter or listened to me or told me what you told me.” he whispers in your ear, tightening his grip with a hand on your hip and the other one instead climbs up your back, holding you even tighter to him.

There's love above love and it's ours

Cause I love you too much

I live for your touch

You also hold him tighter, now you are completely glued to each other and you move in sync. You rest your head on his shoulder, while the song continues making you melt word after word.

I whisper your name night after night

I love you too much

Now his hands are both on your back and he says, “This song is perfect.” You don’t know if he’s referring to the situation or just the song, but right now you feel good. You are in his arms, you breathe in his strong scent and in this moment, as in any moment you are with him, there is no room for Patrick, but only for you and Joel.

[meta-squash]

I'm obsessed with the parallels between Small Worlds and Children Of Earth.

For Jack specifically, CoE is the same events as Small Worlds played out on a much larger scale.

Something is happening with a child/children (Jasmine/the world's children). Turns out, it's an alien enemy Jack has seen before (Lahore 1909/Scotland 1965). It is established that the alien enemy is very very powerful and difficult to beat, and that they have made threats to the entire human race if their demands are not met. Both enemies demand children, and promise that the children they want will "live forever." A man is sacrificed as, essentially, a warning or an attempt to keep Torchwood away (Mark/Rupesh). Torchwood attempt to figure out different ways of beating the enemy. In retaliation, the enemy kills Jack's lover (Estelle/Ianto). The alien enemy also kills another person in its way (Roy/Clem) despite attempts to prevent the death. All this forces Jack to realize the extent of the threat and his grief also emotionally backs him into a corner. When he is faced with an ultimatum, he ends up painfully sacrificing a single child (Jasmine/Steven) for the good of the world, despite the pain it causes himself and the child's mother. He leaves feeling helpless, feeling like he had no other choice, with everyone angry at him and angry at himself as well.

I think what gets me the most about the parallels is the death of Jack's lover. It's obvious that Jack did and still does genuinely love Estelle. He says as much to Gwen. And he definitely feels guilt about her death; if he hadn't reunited with her, she would have been safe. I think his guilt and his feelings of responsibility towards both her and Jasmine and, ultimately, the world, are what cause him to sacrifice Jasmine to the faeries so readily instead of trying to negotiate or find another way. He's mourning the loss of Estelle and because of that grief I think he knows that he has to let Jasmine go. If he doesn't, more people will die, whether it's people he loves or strangers.

Similarly, Jack definitely feels guilty for Ianto's death, and I think there's guilt there that if Ianto hadn't come with him to Thames House he'd still be alive. In mourning the loss of Ianto, he's backed into a corner again, and he knows that no one else is going to sacrifice their own children to save the world. He sacrifices Steven despite the fact that it essentially destroys him completely, because he knows that if he doesn't, the whole world is at stake.

Every version of the parallel in Children of Earth is way, way more personal and in close proximity than in Small Worlds. In Small Worlds, everyone is a stranger, except Estelle. But while she was once Jack's lover, that's over 50 years in the past with all that time between them. After he sacrifices Jasmine, he's feels helpless, guilty, but she's a stranger and she wanted to go, in a way. He's blames himself but it's something he can bounce back from; he has distance. In Children of Earth, it is Jack's home and family that are destroyed or threatened, it is his current lover that is killed, and it is his own grandson that he has to sacrifice. All of those losses and sacrifices and guilts and everything totally break him, they're so close and personal and like he says to Gwen before he leaves, he has nothing left.

It establishes a certain kind of reaction in Jack. That when faced with a huge personal loss, if he finds himself trapped or in a difficult situation, he's willing to make a huge and often painful second sacrifice in order to protect the greater good, presumably because he's already in enough pain that this new loss seems like it can't make things that much worse (which ultimately ends up being untrue, but isn't necessarily the point), and because by showing emotional weakness, whatever he's up against can exploit him further by using that.

I wonder if the Torchwood writers noticed the parallels at all. The person who wrote Small Worlds was not involved in CoE at all. But it is interesting to have such similar storylines, yet one is played out on a much grander scale and with Jack made helpless in many different ways throughout the story rather than just at the end by the power of the alien itself.

[rosesradio]

actually i must add about the annabeth being angry about the luke sacrifice thing

clarisse gets pissy about luke but pines after silena and is dating chris who was a full blown traitor and annabeth is just like...are you fucking serious ??? and yeah she probably doesn't talk to luke about percy at all which he hates

the hypocrisy of camp is crazy too because this makes sense. like they choose who to honor as heroes & who to not, both in actions & words

like with silena she was a spy all the way up until beckendorf got killed give or take, then she tried to back out. she did sacrifice herself bravely, but does that clear away everything she did? luke was very much the same, serving kronos until he was at risk of being killed, and then he tries to get out of it but ultimately gets stuck until he sacrifices himself.

& sure the camp calls them both heroes, chris as well, though there’s a certain disdain for luke. there are whispers, an energy annabeth catches on to. because he was the worst of them, that opinion is crystal clear.

annabeth has a feeling that if luke were alive, if she were with him (besides the obvious fbi open up of it all), the camp would have a problem with his traitor status versus everyone else’s.

& (assuming you meant annabeth doesn’t talk to percy about luke), like…i appreciate percabeth as a good canon ship as much as the next fan (was not a fan of the amalgamation they became in HoO, but that’s another post). that being said, if anything would strain & break percabeth in the most intriguing way, it’s the luke of it all.

because like…seriously? it feels like annabeth is clinging to the memory of a dead man over percy (and maybe she is). he tries to be gentle, to find a way to help her cope & talk with her, but she’s bitter because she knows his biases and knows that even without them, percy would still never understand. no one would. it drives a wedge between them like nothing else.

annabeth imagines she’s the only one at camp who thinks about this all in the right way. she feels so solitary in that, but…oddly superior, too.

she wonders if that’s how luke felt about overthrowing the gods.

[danganronpafan777]

Can you please do:

Sdra2 boys with a male s/o who is ultimate trader and trading his life to save them from a deadly situation

This request reminded me of this song, ngl

Spoilers in all parts!!

Hajime Makunouchi:

He didn't have much to say about your ultimate, just that there was nothing you could trade to skip out on a training session with him and Shinji. 

He was oblivious to his crush on you, and Yuki or Sora probably pointed it out for him. He denied it at first, he just cared about your health after all! 

...Maybe he cared about you a bit more than the others-

Hajime wanted to confess to you, and under normal circumstances, he would have. He would have trained with you alone and admitted to having feelings for you. 

Unfortunately, this was not a normal circumstance or school trip. He was a member of void, and was supposed to be the first killer. He couldn't have a relationship right now of all times. 

That's what he told himself, but Hajime couldn't let himself reject you when you confessed to him. He felt bad, knowing what he was going to have to do, but he also wanted to enjoy every minute he had with you. 

Even when he had to 'get drunk' at the party, it was still one of his favorite moments with you. He acted tipsy and sick, but you refused to leave his side. 

When he was voted guilty for killing Yuri, you still wouldn't abandon him. 

Making the deal with Mikado was definitely one of the hardest negotiations you've ever went through, and even then, Mikado made it clear that Hajime was forbidden from talking about void. 

Hajime thought for sure that would be enough to stop you. He wouldn't be able to help anyone anyway! What use was keeping him alive!? Especially in exchange for your own life!

"It's because I love you, Hajime. Even if you can't say anything, I want you to live."

No... you didn't understand! The whole point of this killing game was so he keep his divine luck and stay alive! He was going to die either way!

He wanted to tell you, but he couldn't waste your sacrifice. It was too late. 

Hajime could only sink to the floor as you underwent his execution. He couldn't believe it.

Mikado really was planning to kill him, and you, knowing he killed Yuri, still sacrificed yourself to save him... why!?

Besides Shinji, Hajime was isolated after that. He doesn't mind, he knows he deserves it. He refuses to let himself wallow in guilt, instead training hard and pushing himself past his limits. 

He's not sure what to do now, but he doesn't want the game to continue. Even if his options are limited, he'll still find a way to save your friends. 

Nikei Yomiuri:

"A trader!? What does that entail!? What was the best trade you've made??"

Like the other students, he wasted no time interviewing you about your talent. He was one of the last people to realize his own crush on you, and even after that, this man was in complete denial. 

When you comforted him after the events of the third trial, he couldn't deny his feelings any longer. Even if this was the wrong time for a crush, his heart nearly beat out of his chest when he learned you felt the same way. 

Your happiness was short lived, as he did everything to push you away in the tower. Nikei didn't want to do this to you, but he had to stop Mikado. 

All of that led him to where he was now: Shaking in anger as his right hand was torn off his body, just about to be executed from a stupid rule Mikado made up.

The last thing he was expecting was for you to make a deal of your own. Nikei didn’t want to die by any means, but he couldn’t sit idly while you gave up your life to save him.

Especially when he didn’t even have anything left.

Nikei couldn't let you do this. He already lost everything. His leadership, his pride, his fucking hand... 

He can't lose you too. He can't have something else taken from him by this bastard wizard.

He cries and yells to you at the same time. 

“STOP IT! IT WON’T FUCKING WORK!! I’M DEAD ANYWAY!”

Mikado ignored Nikei, promising to fix up his wound and keep Nikei alive as long as he didn’t disclose anything about void. 

Nikei continued to shake and scream, beginning to sob as you made the final handshake, sealing the deal once and for all. He just wanted to cling to you and never let go. 

But once again, he was powerless as you were pulled away from him, watching your final, painful moments.

It was all too much. The shock from his injury and after watching the gruesome display… he felt numb. He didn’t want to live. If anything, he wanted to kill everyone in this place and then himself. 

But that’s what got you killed in the first place. 

Nikei is isolated from the group, and spends most of his time in his dorm room, thinking of what he should do now. He didn’t care about divine luck anymore, or even his stump where his prized hand used to be, he just wanted you. 

Shinji Kasai:

Given his extroverted personality with guys and shyness towards girls, you couldn't help but be surprised when Shinji stuttered out his confession

It took you by surprise, but you couldn't be happier! The two of you took care of Yuki and each other throughout the killing game, comforting each other after every class trial. 

Shinji trusted you completely, refuting any claim that you could possibly in void. And he wouldn't hesitate to tell you, that even if you were, he wouldn't love you any less.

The moment Nikei introduced the idea of Shinji being an informant, you completely shut it down. From that point forward, you knew Nikei had to be up to something. 

You told Shinji what he had said, and convinced Yuki that Nikei was full of shit. Knowing what Nikei had said about him, Shinji was much more hesitant to meet with Nikei. 

The moment you hear about it, you tell Nikei that you'll meet with him instead. He doesn't buy it at first, but you admit that you know he's going to get someone killed, and as long as you were alive, it wouldn't be Shinji. 

You didn't know the full story, the truth that Nikei needs Yuki to be the blackend, but your current knowledge is enough for Nikei to change his plan, on the condition that you take the gun while Shinji is asleep. 

It was a stupid idea, but the only way to get out of the tower is by someone's death. Whatever Nikei was going to do, Shinji would be safe. 

You didn't notice Yuki until after Nikei tased himself, and by that point, everything happened so fast. 

As you laid on the ground with a shard of glass on your neck, you still tried to comfort Yuki, who was slowly backing away in shock. 

Shinji noticed both yours and Yuki's absence, immediately getting worried. He searched the entire tower, but he couldn't get there in time. You had only a few more minutes of life left in you, and there was nothing he could do. 

Shinji cried out and yelled at Yuki for what he did, who could only drop to his knees.

As you felt your vision darken, Shinji looked at your condition. The two of you made eye contact, and you knew what he was about to do. 

His shaking hand reached for the piece of glass, but you shook your head. You smiled at him one last time, the look in your eyes telling him everything you wanted to say, and used the last of your strength to plunge the glass deeper into your own throat.

Throughout the trial, Shinji comforts Yuki, but his upbeat energy isn't the same. He doesn't blame Yuki for what happened, assuring him that no matter what, he'll always be his big bro

But that doesn't make what happened hurt any less. He wants to forgive void, but what could have made them do something like this? Why go through the trouble just to kill Yuki?

When Nikei reveals the deal you made, and how Shinji was going to be the original victim, his guilt only increases. He does everything he can to hold himself together for Yuki and the others, but the moment Nikei is executed, he bawls his eyes out.

He refuses to leave Yuki alone, and makes a memorial for you on the next island. 

He exercises more, trying to escape the guilt. You gave up your life for his, so he's indebted to make the most of it. He's failed to save everyone so far, but he won't let it happen again.

No matter what, Shinji will never forget the time you two shared, and above all, he'll never forget you.

Yuki Maeda:

Yuki admired your talent, but didn't really treat you any differently for it. He was extremely obvious with his crush on you, and you both got together pretty quick

As his friends were dying and killing each other, he couldn't be more grateful to have you by his side. You stuck through him as he freaked out about void, and even wondering if you were one of them. 

There was nothing he wanted more than to escape this terrible place with you and his big bro

But of course, with his rotten luck, that couldn't happen. His big bro had died all because of him, and to make matters worse, he was becoming someone he didn't even know

As Nikei pointed the gun at him, claiming that everything that happened was because of him, Yuki didn't fight it, instead accepting his fate. 

But you wouldn't accept that for him. Not after everything he went through. 

Nikei wasn't able to think straight, being consumed by rage, so he didn't even think about your deal. He just knew that you were getting in his way, and he was about to kill everyone anyway.

With Nikei's rage unconsciously letting off his final act of divine luck, the gun managed to fire a single shot before it blew up on him

Yuki was by your side in a second, not even listening as Nikei screamed in pain at Mikado. He didn't care about Nikei being executed, all he cared about was you. 

He wept, holding your dying body. You could only smile up at him, knowing he was safe now. He held your body close, not caring about the blood staining his uniform. You gently ran your fingers through his hair, just like you always did when comforting him. 

“Y/n, please! D-Don’t go…! I can’t lose you, too…”

His body shook with every sob. You exchanged your last "I love you"s, and gave his hand a final squeeze

No one said anything. Yuki didn't even move. 

Utsuro awoke to find himself holding the corpse of a complete stranger, but somehow...

It still hurt.

Yuri Kagarin:

Obviously, Yuri hated your guts when he first met you 

If you ever did traded something with a woman, he would say that you were ripping them off

It would take A LOT for the two of you to get together, and due to how quickly his life is put on the line by Hajime, he probably still despised you

As the hook is stabbed into his calf, Yuri happily awaits his death, thinking it was a woman who trapped him

It wasn't until you intervened and managed to prove it was Hajime (since he would claim you were lying) that he really began to fight back

By fight back, Yuri simply ripped the hook out, cause there was no way he was dying from a male, and wrapped his jacket around the wound. A part of him did appreciate that you stopped his death from being wasted, but he still ignores your attempts to help him

However, he does warn you when he notices Hajime enter the tower with a syringe of muscle relaxant. 

You tried to talk some sense into Hajime, but Yuri violently cursing him out in Russian didn't help. You knew that Hajime wouldn't let both of you live, so you did what you do best, and struck up a deal.

Yuri constantly spurned the talents of males, but he was impressed by your ability of persuasion. You told Hajime that the muscle relaxant was enough for only one person, and Yuri's blood loss could cause him to forget about this, but if Hajime used it on Yuri, you would tell everyone what happened 

Yuri didn't understand why you were doing this. Males were vile creatures that only cared about themselves, so why were you doing this for him? After he had been so horrible to you?

When Hajime takes the deal, Yuri can't help but feel... afraid? Why? You were the one who was going to die. Could he be...afraid for you, a male?

As your corpse was discovered at the bottom of the tower, Yuri's eyes felt oddly wet, and his vision seemed to slightly blur. 

He stops talking about dying for a woman after that. Despite being a male, you were... a decent person, and he shouldn't let your sacrifice go to waste. 

Having someone die for him hurt, and he would never let anyone feel that way.

Wait, no. He would never let a woman feel that way.

Even if you were a good person, that doesn't mean he was wrong about men.

...right?

Teruya Otori:

You and Teruya connected right away with your talents, and it wasn't long before your relationship became something more 

After he failed to protect Kokoro, he swore to himself that he would never let you become a victim

Even if he had to die

He refused to leave your side, and even when he locked up everyone in the tower, you refused to leave his

Both of you took turns resting in each other's dorms, as Teruya would cling to you in his sleep, just needing to hear your heartbeat and know that you were okay

After getting his reset code, he was conflicted about leaving you behind in the virtual world, but you assured him it was the only way to get help from the outside

When his attempt fails, and he's locked away, he can't stop himself from feeling like he let you down

Upon learning that he is a firewall, the one thing keeping the Kisaragi Foundation from entering, he prepares himself to eat the rice. Only seconds before the rice touched his lips, the noticed that you had thrown the door open, Mikado right behind you.

He screamed at you to leave, and as soon as he noticed Mikado's presence, he tried to eat a fistful of rice as fast as he could, but was easily stopped by Iroha.

Mikado had to gag him as he protested every moment you negotiated with him. He still tried to eat the rice a few times, but ultimately failed 

Mikado saw Teruya's desperation to save you, and knowing that your death would break him even further, to the point where he might convince everyone to vote wrong on purpose, he agreed to take your life to save his

Teruya's eyes became black and white spirals of despair, becoming a perfect reenactment for Akane's sudden turn to despair, and being a perfect push for Yuki's personality swap

When the Kisaragi Foundation intervenes as the survivors are inches from death, Teruya could only feel disappointed that he couldn't be with you again

In the real world, he's forcibly restrained to stop him from hurting himself, and his drive for vengeance is the only reason he returns for the final trial

He not only failed to protect you, but you knowingly gave your life to save his. You died right in front of him, and he would never see you again. It was like his father all over again...

He's a shell of the person he once was, following deeper into Tsurugi's mindset and footsteps

As the dying Mikado reaches for Utsuro, Teruya stomps his head in. 

Syobai Hashimoto:

From the start, Syobai was a bit annoyed at your talent, how you always managed to convince him to cooperate with the others and share information with them, with a bribe that was always too low for his liking, but your ultimate always came through in the end

You were smart, and seemed to understand him better than everyone else, whether it was a result of your talent or not

The same talent you were using to save him from Mikado, who had decided to punish Syobai for attacking him

You didn't want to have to do this, you brought up every trick you could, telling him how he said he wouldn't punish people for hurting him, but Mikado snickered

He was the mastermind, he could alter the game however he wanted, take Nikei for example

Syobai stumbled back when you made your offer, willing to give up your own life to save his

Syobai wouldn't let it happen

He'd offer to pay money, do Mikado's dirty work, however much he wanted to just leave the two of you alone

Whatever it was that void or Mikado wanted, Syobai would get it for them

Syobai has connections and money, but only one person who genuinely cares about him

One person who would give up their life for a bastard like him

With his job, he's faced situations like this before, where one wrong move can turn things ugly, so he prepares his knife 

You lightly held his arm, signaling him to stop, but he refused

"Syobai...one of us has to die. And it's not going to be you."

Syobai's body shook in anger as you were devoured by flames

You didn't even scream as you became nothing more than ashes 

Mikado tried to provoke him, but Syobai was still smart enough to know not to waste your sacrifice 

He became more cooperative after that, telling the group that he didn't care about them, he just wanted to take down Mikado

Slowly but surely, Syobai begins to change, and while he's still far from opening up to people, he cooperates with the Kisaragi Foundation to end the game, and escapes with the remaining survivors

Because he knows it's what you would have wanted

Mikado Sannoji:

Yeah, no. There is nothing you could trade for this man. 

The fact that you’re a trader only reminds Tsurugi of Teruya, and he learned his lesson about making deals with criminal scum from Syobai

Tsurugi would kill you as well, just for being an accomplice with no hesitation.

In the end, the two of you died as Partners In Crime

[pearlnareff]

Astarion/ Oath of the Ancients Paladin Parallel

This brain dump contains spoilers for Baldur's Gate 3, Act 3 specifically so like yeah

Last night, I accidentally broke my paladin oath. I had been careful not to, and after 100 hours of gameplay I had managed not to… until last night. My Tav took the Oath of the Ancients, and while I'm not incredibly well versed in the lore of 5e or Forgotten Realms or what not, my understanding of this path was summed up as "Act with mercy and kindness" "Stand against evil and be a light for those in despair." For me, being squishy and wanting everything good for everyone a lot of the times in games, I thought this would be an easy oath for me to upkeep. However, last night I became an oathbreaker.

An Oath of Ancients Paladin and Astarion are nearly polar opposites, and no matter how often I spoke to him or even let him bite me, his approval of my Tav never got too high, just because the decisions I made were not what he would have. He is very focused on self preservation, and though he will be willing to help others, there are times where he thinks some people just aren't worth saving/are collateral damage, or that because things were really hard for him that it doesn't quite matter if things are hard for him.

This comes to a head when you find out about Cazador's ritual, one that involves the sacrifice of many, many, innocent lives in order to become a Vampire Ascendant and gain a whole lot of power. Astarion knows that we have to stop Cazador-- Cazador cannot be trusted with that sort of power-- However, Astarion makes it known that if he is given the choice, He would gladly spend the lives in order to complete the ritual for himself so he can gain all that power instead. As an Oath of Ancients Paladin who tends to be Lawful Good or True Good, clearly Tav was against this idea entirely.

Act 3 comes, we reach Cazador's lair… We meet some of the 7000 souls, we fight Cazador. Astarion is given the choice on whether or not he does the ritual, and of course, Tav wants to spare those lives so encourages him not to do so. Astarion gives up this chance at ultimate power… in order to save lives. We are given a choice as to what to do with these 7000 innocent people who were forcibly turned into vampire spawn against their will, some who have been locked in cages for over a hundred years. The options we are given are to either kill them (because they're vampires) to set them free into the underdark (because they're innocent) or… to just let them stay in their cages for the rest of their lives. Of course, my Tav being who they are, I thought for sure the answer would be to save them. Please save these innocent people-- a handful who were children also when they were turned.

But this broke my paladin oath. My Oath of the Ancients that prided itself on fighting for life and letting your light serve as a beacon for others was broken and out of my reach… because they were vampires. Because I released 7000 vampire spawn who-- no matter how innocent they were-- were seen as nothing but a threat in the eyes of the Ancients to whom my oath was to. I was distraught. How could this even be the case? Did I make a wrong decision??

Astarion refused to follow his master down the path of darkness in order to save 7000 lives. The Paladin refused to follow their oath down the path of light in order to save 7000 lives. Both giving up power that they could have used in far better ways. For the Paladin it was a power they already had, and Astarion it was the chance to finally wield a power that had been used against him.

The longer I thought about this the more it hit me like a ton of bricks. Astarion has a moment after saving the Tieflings in Act One, where he says he doesn't like being considered a hero. He almost acts disgusted by it. Even if he had ultimately done was was right. And then there is the Paladin… in Act 3, now considered an Oathbreaker who can utilize power of darkness. I didn't want them to be known as that! It seemed dark. It seemed… scary. My Tav wanted to give people hope and make children smile. Could a dark oathbreaker really do that? They had tried so hard to bring light and hope… but the moment they did to a group of people that didn't seem worthy, that only seemed Dangerous… the Ancients turned their back on them.

My Paladin would make the decision again and again, though. Even though it was disheartening to lose their oath, There was no way they could just let those people-- regardless of their species-- remain trapped there, or just to die for something they had no say in.

Would Astarion make that same choice? I don't know. a part of me hopes that he would, but again that's probably just my Paladin talking.

[rahleeyah]

i have so many feelings about the end of ted lasso. personally, i’m glad ted and rebecca remained friends, though i would have been totally cool if they were more. ted leaving felt so shitty because there is nothing good for him left in kansas except for his son, really. his friends, his support systems, dr. sharon… it isn’t clear to me if ted has friends other than beard and it breaks my heart.

honestly, it feels almost like a step backwards cause ted isn’t moving on from richmond, he’s just going back to kansas where… what job does he even have?

idk, i get why the show ended the way it did. i think that any other ending would have felt too happy-go-lucky-unrealistic but i’m still sad about it

(though to be clear i’m not mad at the ending, i just am sad on behalf of ted)

That's the sticking point for me, is that Ted is left with nothing, and he doesn't even look that happy about it. Now, the argument is that he has the one thing he wanted most, the chance to be with his son, to be part of his son's day to day life (which is a time sensitive desire, there's a clock running on Henry's childhood and Ted can't wait and be there later it has to be now or never, and he also will never have the chance to do that again), to love his son and not leave his son with the same wounds he grew up with as a result of losing his father. Ted has sacrificed everything to make his son's life better. A lot of parents can relate.

While Ted has my dream life in London, he is not the ultimate decision maker for his son; Michelle has to be on board with whatever choice he makes, too. Now if I'm Michelle, and Ted is willing to help financially, me and my baby are on the first plane out of the states, but that's me. Michelle may have stronger family ties. Michelle and Ted may want those family ties for Henry, and not want to sever him from them. They may want to raise him in a less high pressure environment than in a big city like London.

And that's the thing is bc Ted's decision was so rushed they didn't have time for any of that. We can guess at why Ted won't hear of taking Henry out of Kansas, but we don't really know - it's not like it was impossible, given Ted's salary, people move internationally, it is not some pie in the sky impossibility, unless there is a reason. We just don't know what that reason is.

Sorry I'm all over the place but the thing is like. Parents make sacrifices for their children. That is absolutely true. That is an insurmountable obstacle for sure. But our last image of Ted is so hopeless. All he has is Henry. That's it. He gave up everything, and he doesn't even look all that happy, and we know he's struggled with anxiety and depression, and what good is making all those sacrifices for Henry if in the end he's unhappy, unfulfilled, lonesome? Henry will sense that. Henry will ultimately be hurt by that.

There isn't like a best answer here, which I think is interesting. If he stays in London sure he can see Henry over facetime and in person periodically but that is not enough to sustain a relationship with a child who is changing by the day; time will put a huge barrier between them. They will not know each other. He may not be getting that much day to day time with Henry now that he's back in the states, who knows what the custody arrangement is, but he can coach Henry's soccer team and see him so much more often and really maintain that relationship. He needs to be where Henry is to have a relationship with his son, and bc he's unwilling to consider relocating Henry, that only leaves one option. And that's best for Henry, and maybe it's best for Ted, bc he won't feel guilty about abandoning his son, and it's so noble, all this sacrifice. It's noble in a way that leaves a bad taste in the mouth, though.

And it's interesting to me bc as I sat here wondering about how, ultimately, Ted was always going to have to leave bc of how the show had established his priorities and concerns, I was wondering about how they could have ended it without doing this, and I find myself thinking what if they hadn't ended it at all? What if they'd left it open, not definitively said Ted was going or staying, not definitively said "Ted's London family will thrive without him and he will never see them again" (he wasn't even at Beard's wedding, if in fact that wedding happened), but ended on a moment of a decision suspended, hope still in the air, a question left unanswered? The ending was pretty ambiguous imo but a little more ambiguity might have been more palatable.

But palatable was not the point. My personal desires and opinions weren't the point. Fathers and sons, forgiveness, selflessness, love for others, these things are central to the plot of the entire damn show, and I guess they were always gonna bring the point home.

Sorry for the ramble it's probably full of typos but I need to do my job now lmao

[whateverthedragonswant]

So, I finally caught up on the past two cons for the most part.

As a writer, Dean's death will never not be tragic to me, in the worst way.

We can talk about bad messaging. We can talk about the ridiculous way it happened (rusty nail, anyone?). We can talk about COVID and how that impacted everything they decided to do behind the scenes.

But ultimately, it was not the right way for Dean to go out. I respect Jensen's opinion, feelings, and eventual acceptance on the matter (obviously) but there's some things that are missing here that aren't being talked about. By him, anyone else involved with the show, or even the fandom.

Dean didn't die a hero's death or a warrior's death as Jensen called it. A hero's death is when there is some form of self-sacrifice involved. There was none of that happening in that scene. Had Dean pushed one of the kids out of the way and then was impaled, or pushed Sam out of the way even, then it could be considered a hero's death. Even if there was no one to push out of the way, had Dean gone up against the Big Bad, dying in the process, again -- sacrifice. But that didn't happen either. No, instead, he is sacrificed in the story line (to set up Sam's endgame), sent to drive around Heaven for 40 years, and his agency is taken away from him. Had he truly been a side character all along, then obviously this wouldn't even be an issue. But he wasn't; he's been a main character since at least season 4 of the show or even earlier. The show may have started out with Sam as the sole protagonist but it had evolved by the time season 4 rolled around and Dean had been made one as well.

Dean only regains agency in that one scene in The Winchesters (1x13) when his primary motivation (Sam) is given back to him through the exposition he does in the scene with The Winchesters' characters, Bobby, and Jack.

Your hero (like I said, this includes Sam as well) is not supposed to lose their agency. That's the whole point. They're always given a choice even when their circumstances might not be of their own choosing. Think Jon Snow. Think Aragorn and Frodo. Think Iron Man. Even Buffy Summers or the Halliwell sisters. Maverick in the second Top Gun movie, sacrificing himself to save Rooster and then (not to spoil for those who may have not seen the movie yet) we see what happens. But the point is, he made that choice. Rooster made his choice. The two main characters of the film. The hero is always given the choice.

If this had happened when facing off with Chuck, even then it still might have been better. Chuck was the final Big Bad; you don't get higher than God in this fictional world, right? Again, that would have been a warrior's death.

And that doesn't even begin to address that this was not where Dean and Sam's stories were leading in the narrative. I know we've all talked about the "two finales" that 15x19 and 15x20 were respectively, but I do wish they had left it open-ended like they did in 15x19. That not only would have made more sense for their arcs over the past ten plus years but it also would have allowed (again, narratively) for a proper reboot/continuation/revival down the road. I am interested to see how the idea Jared talked about would come about and I'm sure they'll make it work, but seriously (and I mean no disrespect to Jensen, Jared, or the crew who worked hard on the episode) that whole ending was a disaster that just didn't need to happen. Both boys died to keep the parallel going but them being alive and on the open road would have kept that parallel between them going as well.

Dean already had a beautiful death monologue in 9x23 to Sam. While Jensen and Jared gave their all in that scene and I fully acknowledge that and appreciate it, I do wish we hadn't gotten that dialogue in the barn scene. It has nothing to do with ship wars or fandom drama -- it has to do with the character development for both boys being nuked solely by the dialogue in the five minutes it took for Dean to die. It literally undid every single thing that happened since 1x01 for each brother and everything they had been through. While I'm all for the beautiful brotherly moments (and Jensen and Jared acted the crap out of that scene), this just felt so completely wrong. I don't care about the forehead touch or the hand holding or anything else. All of it was fine except for that dialogue that mentions John, Stanford, etc. Just completely nuking 15 years, all to bring it back to the pilot. But instead of it being a beautiful tribute to their beginning while also showcasing their development and their journey, they brought it right back to that moment instead, in a way that just makes you scratch your head and go "what?" It reminds me a lot of Daenerys' death scene monologue actually - completely nuked character development and conflicting messages to the audience.

Like I said, I completely respect Jensen's (and Jared's) opinion on the 15x20 death and if Jensen eventually got to a place where he's at peace with it and that's how he views the scene (a warrior's death), then I'm happy for him. But writing wise, the way the show chose to go about it didn't make sense. And that includes Sam's ending as well. Sam may have honored his brother's wishes to live his life peacefully, that's great and true of their brotherly bond and to Dean's character, but showing Sam in the party city wig breaking down crying in the Impala years down the road was not it.

Sure, he missed his brother and there's nothing wrong with showing that, but again conflicting messages in the writing. He left Dean and hunting behind in the bunker and moved on with his life (the whole significance of him sitting in Dean's room and shutting down the bunker btw), marrying and having a family. He even had Dean 2.0 as his son, a part of Dean living on and Sam honoring his memory. So why the breakdown scene?

15x20 will always be a sticky point with me when it comes to the series as a whole. Like Jensen said once upon a time, those who like it and those who have issues with it are both valid. But me, I tend to lean towards the latter camp though I don't completely hate it. It's still part of our boys' story. I just wish they had decided to go about it a different way or at the very least, make some tweaks to make it make more sense in the end while staying true to the characters and everything they had endured for 15 years.

[cosmicjoke]

There's just something I'm totally lost on about ... If Eren already knew what he was going to do why didn't he stop? Why didn't he fight the fate he was destined to do—killing people? It's like looking at someone who's self-aware of the bad things they do but they just can't stop themselves... it's sad to the point no one knows how to help them to stop. Was Eren then, under an influence he couldn't stop his plan eradicating the whole world?

Hi there,

So, the Attack on Titan universe is one which has a set future, meaning only one future, which can't be altered or changed. There are no multiple futures, or branching timelines, only one. So the future that Eren sees is the ONLY future, and nothing he or anyone does to try and change it actually will. The only reason Eren sees the future he does is because it's already preordained, basically. He sets it in motion, he goes through with it, and thus, that future manifests. It's why Eren is so down on himself while walking through Liberio. Because he knows that the future he saw is a result of his own will. He wills it into being through his own desire. He doesn't try to stop it, because he doesn't want to. That future only exists in the first place because it's what he ultimately wants. If it wasn't, if Eren truly wanted a different future, if he truly wanted not to destroy the world, then he never would have seen the future he did. He would have seen something else. That future is inextricably connected to his very nature, is the problem. It only exists because he wills it to.

If Eren was under any sort of influence, it was his own, a slave to his own desire and need for freedom, and his inability to be satisfied or content with the actual reality of the world. He couldn't accept that the world wasn't the idealized, untouched landscape he'd associated with his idea of freedom. Eren's depression and self-loathing ultimately comes from his realization that it doesn't matter that he knows what he's doing is wrong, because it's not enough to stop him from doing what he actually wants. He realizes he's the type of person who is willing to sacrifice everyone and everything else to get his way, basically. He's seen that about himself by seeing the future. He calls himself a half-hearted piece of shit when he saves Ramzi from getting beaten up, because he knows he's going to kill him anyway, for example. He knows he's the ultimate hypocrite.

So, essentially, Eren's glimpse of the future is a glimpse of his own nature, staring him in the face. He's not the hero he supposed himself to be, but a selfish, violent and childish monster who cares more about his own, personal freedom than anyone or anything else.

What makes Eren tragic is that he's self-aware enough to feel genuine remorse over this. He knows he's a bad person, he knows he's a monster, and he hates himself for it. But it's not enough to stop him.

[intrulogical]

So which side do YOU think has the best chance of getting it through Logan's thick skull that he needs to let himself be more open and trusting of others and not try to do everything on his own, whether it's to prove a point to himself, Thomas, or the other sides?

GOOD QUESTION, and i know i just dmed you my thoughts but i'm gonna attempt organizing them for this post.

i'm not sure how correct my characterization of logan is, but my perspective on logan is that he's always been Aware of what he prohibits himself of doing.

like, you know fanfics, right? when logan faces his emotional suppression, it's always under the prompt that logan was unaware he genuinely had emotions in the first place. that he was unaware he, as logic, was allowed to feel.

but my take is that he is aware he has emotions but consciously opts to suppress them because he views it as beneficial for thomas. and i know you didn't ask about emotions in particular, but i think this way of thinking bleeds into the other stuff he tries doing: being less assertive, work independently.

he upholds this conscious effort of doing what's hurtful to him because he genuinely believes it benefits thomas.

which is why, for me, it's less of a matter of what side convinces logan to be more open and trusting of others. even if there would be a side to do exactly this, i think logan is far down his mental health spiral to respond to that kindly, because he would think all his sacrifices would have become a waste.

it really comes down to logan realizing his methods of planning and helping are proven futile to thomas, and specifically thomas. logan kind of upholds thomas' word as gospel; i think his behavior in DWIT and WTIT really proves how much he prioritizes thomas' inclinations ("you're all not listening to thomas", "what's more important is, is thomas alright?", logan letting thomas go on a date with nico). if he doesn't recognize the futility of his plans, then he'll keep going.

...unless, he breaks. and i see two possibilities. and that's what i'm inclined more to ask— who will be responsible for logan to reach his breaking point? and i ask this because logan is aware of how hurtful these plans are to him, but is so deadset in helping thomas that it doesn't matter what he does.

so, i see two answers for this. the first one is that a side would be responsible for his breaking point. and i mean, i think all of them can make it happen, especially with the trajectory of sanders sides right now.

and the second one, which i think is more interesting (and heartbreaking) is if thomas is responsible for his breaking point. because thomas is his entire world, realizing the plans he creates and the behavior he exhibits now does NOTHING to help thomas would be... ouch. the only reason thomas lessened his assertion in the first place is because it hurt the other sides, which in then hurt thomas. so seeing that his commitments did NOT work and were NEVER working, oh boy, we're up for a doozy.

and i mean, i actually think this is the only reason logan works the way he does right now. i feel like he's aware it's hurting him, but isn't aware it's not working for thomas. if he knew it was futile then he wouldn't have pursued it in the first place.

so yeah, the future of logan ultimately depends on thomas, methinks.

[adhbabey]

My abuser was definitely mentally ill in a similar way to me, but pathologizing her behavior won't change the fact that she still abused me and didn't seek help.

She was someone that I desperately wanted to help, I wanted her to smile, I wanted her to be happy. I would sacrifice my own self worth just for her and I thought that would make her care. But you can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved, and you can't help someone that isn't actively seeking help themselves.

Because y'know, I thought she died, I talked her back from suicide multiple times, I was fucking devastated to think she was gone. And that could probably be a symptom of a mental illness, but she didn't seek help, she pushed away every instance of me wanting to be closer, and it doesn't matter if she was mentally ill. People should take responsibility for the way they cause other people harm, especially harm towards themselves.

And I forgave her, every single time. I forgave her for the way she disregarded me. I forgave her because she was just traumatized, she was mentally ill, she didn't mean it, because she was abused and hurt and shit when she was young. But that's not an excuse for taking advantage of someone and abusing them and neglecting them. I made a trillion and one excuses for her, and it didn't make it better. Knowing she was mentally ill and traumatized didn't stop the suffering that I faced.

The only thing that helped was confronting what she did to me, that I am angry and hurt, and holding onto those feelings until I could ultimately leave. Because if you see someone like that, and they don't get help, it's either that they can't or they just want to blame everyone and everything else for their own fucking shitty behavior.

She fucking hated it when I called her out and fought her and was openly honest about the way she treated me. She was fucking pissed and told me to move the fuck on, and that I was just bringing shit up over nothing and that I just was overreacting and making everything a big deal. It was a fucking big deal. And I still hold onto my anger because I cannot move on. I will keep holding onto it until I can process it. Until I feel safe enough to exist and not being haunted by that fucking bitch.

So if you guys need to learn ANYTHING from my experience, know that you can't save everyone and pathologizing abusive behavior does absolutely fucking nothing. It won't make you feel better, it won't make the trauma go away, it won't make you heal, it just gives the damn abuser an excuse to be a piece of shit. They chose to hurt you, so don't choose to hurt innocent people either.

Because your healing journey is about you, not about them. Don't center their bullshit and behavior in your life. It doesn't matter what they went through or what they're struggling with. You do not have to empathize with your abuser. So don't try to justify what they did to you. Unless you want to make fucking amends and help that person get better, then leave their bullshit behind.

I know what it's like to want to give a label to your experience and abuse, but they are not abusers because they are mentally ill, they are abusers because they don't fucking care that it hurts you. Find someone who will actually listen to you and turn towards you. Focus on your healing journey and not theirs. They can handle it. This is how you can move on. Holding them accountable for their shit or leaving their ass in the dust, or both. (Also loving yourself, but that's when you're actually starting to heal).

[papirouge]

About that French woman again - I found more videos of her that someone uploaded too! I know little French so what I could understand she mentioned having a daughter? It’s here ( youtu.be/GXFNnFHLDrg ) it’s so sad but you’re so right - she said now her will is only to sin… it reminded me of a story I found online. It was the story of Claire and Annette. You can find it anywhere online but the story takes place in 1930s Germany where Claire was a Christian and Annette wasn’t. They were friends but when Annette was killed in a car crash, Claire prayed her hard only for her friend to come to her in a dream. And she talks about how hell is and how her life ended up before the crash because they drifted apart- how there, you only hate and are full of sin. That the very idea of God, prayer, goodness is sick to them… the same thing as that French women talked about. It’s so sad but a warning like this needs to be listened.

JUST WHEN I WAS DESPERATE TO FIND THE CHANNEL OF THAT WOMAN YOU COME HERE AND GIVE IT OUT TO ME, I- !! THANK YOU anon!!! 🥹💜💜 (how did you do it??)

There's a 1 hour version of her testimony where she details how she ended up blaspheming the Holy Spirit.

It's too long for me to do cliffs like I did for the other video of hers, but she basically says she saw the supplice she's going to endure in hell (nailed on a cross with her eyes gouged out eaten by maggots and demons poking holes in her liver and heart - since she crucified in her heart Jesus sacrifice on the cross, SHE will ultimately endure the same supplice for eternity). She also has physical pain (burning sensation) when praying or talking about the Bible because God forbidden her to do so now that she's lost her salvation.

I'm very confused by her latest video (posted 11 days ago) where she says there are way to save the souls of the deads who ended up in hell bu praying for them.....but she also says we shouldn't pray for the dead and that it's occultism (which is true). Like, you can't say "you can save the souls of the people who are in hell for not too serious sins(??) by praying for them so they can be saved on judgement day".......and then turn around and be like "oh but do not pray for the dead guys, that's occultism !" like... which one is it? I left a comment inquiring her about this contradiction along the fact that praying for the dead is absolutely not biblical but idk if she will reply to me. I'll keep you in touch if she does.

Tbh that's the problem with testimonies from spiritually bewildered people: they might interpret things in a very awkward way so it's really important to not take everything they say at face value and more importantly, check if what they profess doesn't contradict the Bible. For Marie, I knew I had to take her testimony with a pinch of salt since she admitted feeling awkward reading the Bible and doing apologetics. But it doesn't mean her testimony is false and her experience not real though.

As for Annette and Claire story I got big red flags teas when I realized that girl testimony was nothing but Annette talking about herself and complaining for not doing enough confession and prayers while she was alive.. Like, REALLY? God "forces" you to come out and communicate with the alive and her mission was to only talks about...herself?? what was the point of all of it? It doesn't make any sense. Claire was already Christian (Catholic) right? So what was the reason??

The Bible has 2 occurrences of testimonies from people from the dead : Lazarus and Samuel. And guess what? Both of them called for repentance (the former for his own brothers still alive, the latter of Saul who had summoned him + warning him he would be dead in the next 24 hours lol). People from the Sheol aren't out elaborating what they did on earth, bc it's absolutely irrelevant for their current situation. They rather insist in that the alive have to get their shit together before it's too late. So this Annette/Claire text comes off like a "let me tell you my story" fanfic/Catholic apologetics, sorry. Claire didn't need to hear all of this ; it comes of like a faux testimony to warn off Catholics of the horror of hell. That's it. Plus, the fact there's not actual data proving their existence beside their first name and that Annette died in 1937 all of this makes me believe neither Claire or Annette ever existed to begin with 🥴

[thisischaostragic]

rage dissertation on multiverse of madness

oh also i hate Multiverse of Madness. i know a lot of MCU Wanda fans like that movie because she's powerful but i just, like, think it's very fucked up that the writing relied exclusively on WandaVision to establish her as sympathetic.

it relied on WandaVision to give her any dimension and then also IGNORED EVERYTHING about the last episode except the fucking 30 second post credit scene???? who the fuck in the MoM writers room took "I don't need you to tell me who I am" and "I don't understand this power, but I will" and was like mmmmm yes, let's write a film so flimsy that it leaves us with two options at the end of it:

Wanda left Westview feeling guilty and actively seeking out understanding, control, internal redemption, etc. and decided, nah, let's tear shit up! and honestly I'd be less pissed about this one if they gave her solid reasoning, but they went in the 'hysterical woman has fake kids and wants to destroy the world to get them back,' which lands a LOT worse without a character like Monica there reinforcing that they're real and when they constantly foil her with Stephen wanting Christine back when that was, like, a breakup with a living woman who is still friends with him but just doesn't want to date him??? and then, for the whole movie Wanda dodges questions about like, 'what happens to the other you' and then is so overwhelmingly guilty at the end that she sacrifices herself??? AGAIN???? which leads me to believe that they intended and/or are gonna go with:

Wanda left Westview feeling bad and wanting to do better etc., and then got so corrupted by the Darkhold that she lost grasp on herself and MoM Wanda was mostly acting out Chthon's will. this is actually INFURIATING to me because they made such a goddamn point in WandaVision about not having her be possessed? like she did terrible things AND it was ambiguous whether or not she knew about it BUT she was the power source and it was ultimately her responsibility. whether or not you feel like she's redeemable after WandaVision, it's so clear that the whole ordeal was about coming into her own power without being controlled by anyone else.

In short, MoM either:

made Wanda one-dimensionally tragic and pretty evil in a way that's fairly inconsistent with the kinds of terrible stuff she did in WandaVision, OR

once again stripped her of her autonomy

there's only so many times they can half-ass a villain arc for her and quite frankly i think they've maxxed out and really backed themselves into a corner where close to total redemption is the only option that makes any narrative sense, because she keeps fucking up and feeling TERRIBLE about it, even at her coldest, which does not a good villain make. like, she so clearly doesn't stand by her actions????

like, it wasn't.... it wasn't fun watching a character i really like do a bunch of stuff that very clearly is gonna haunt her?? she already has enough of that??? especially when it's a character with fans who like her because they felt seen and understood (which IMO is fairly uncommon in the MCU outside of WandaVision and Ms. Marvel), being like, oh, cool, traumatized woman DOES equate to bad is actually such a painful fucking take to see male writers pitch again and again and again.

also maybe an unpopular opinion but I think her powers are actually more impressive in WandaVision? she... made vibranium and living children???? from NOTHING???? and MoM had her shooting fucking magic lasers.

[inun4ki]

i am so feral. no, i have no chill. i need to rant.

I have spent my life chasing things That had only brought me pain In the end, when I'm dead Hope it was for something

First of all, how dare you. Seriously.

Secondly, sigh... I came in here all charged up to write something about this, but all I can do is drag my ass and lament for Kaede. The poor kid drew a terrible hand; Constantly chasing after, I think, approval and forgiveness from all the wrong people, in all the wrong places. He buried himself in his work because I couldn't handle also being a person around them - it was just too much, because it was never enough. Everything he did, he did for his family, and they took advantage of him - took him for granted, too. And, y'know, he's convinced he'll die before them all. He's fighting curses day in and day out, he's narrowly escaping harrowing situations with his life, he's the reckless one. He's the one who sacrifices, constantly, always, no matter how bratty and shitty his personality can sometimes be.

He is the one who sacrifices. Despite his complaints, despite what he really wants, he refuses to have it any other way. Because he cares. Infinitely more than he lets on, but he cares. He wants to help, wants for the family to prosper and grow, wants everyone to be safe from harm - even those he couldn't possibly care less about. In an instant, the people you love most can be taken from you; Doing everything you can to protect them... Well, that's just the right thing to do in the first place. It's love. It's a foolish, childish love that ardently refuses to give in, one that desperately wants for his sacrifices to be recognized and for his love to be returned.

But when everyone's massacred - again - it becomes abundantly clear in a more literal sense that no, his sacrifice was worthless. Everyone's dead. He wasn't there to protect them. He wasn't there to prevent, exorcise-- The many years he spent whittling away at his sense of self and what it means to live when the people he loved most didn't, so much guilt and sadness, were ultimately worthless. He learned only that being close to someone, caring about them, leads only to the loss of them. And it doesn't matter how close to them in proximity he could be. Right next to them, miles upon miles away...doesn't matter. It's too much, and he can't cope with it. He just can't.

By this same token, as he is naturally in conflict with himself, he might...also be relieved. It's over. It's done. Even if it seemed like it was all for nothing, in the end, he has his freedom. He is no longer beholden to the Shikabane Clan. He's...just Kaede. Released from his mental and emotional prison into the loneliness, companionship, hope, and despair life offers. There's more to life than living according to duty, more than selling his soul to cursed spirits and jujutsu sorcerers who lost the plot centuries ago. He can do something, now, with the time that's been afforded to him, hard as it may be. Change things. Be more than the pain he bears. And live. Oh, just to live. Break the cycle and instead of succumbing to it, accepting it, grieving, and moving on - healing.

He'll always be sad. He'll always mourn. He'll always carry the weight of their deaths. The evidence of his failures will always cover his body. I think, it's just another thing that makes him human. He's complicated and idiotic, but his heart is warm - he's only tired. So tired of constantly losing, hung out to dry by the world he was supposed to belong in, neglected and abused by the people he swore to protect, and all he ever really wanted was for his sacrifice to mean something in the end. Alone, depressed, a shadow of his former self, and for what? They're all gone.

He'll probably yoyo through all that until he's able to let it go, but when he does, finally... I hope he'll be kinder to himself and maybe, for once, let someone in.