#but on my phone i can't listen to music without ads and that makes me want to rage. especially now they put TWO ads you can't skip

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

maybe i did have rizz all along... and that's why all my guy friends ended up hitting on me in high school and college (or it could have been the big boobs. probably was the big boobs)

[mariespen]

hihiii can u write a very argumenty angsty story with rafe anything honestly i just need to read some good ass angst and ur angst is sooo good but yeah that’s if you write this or not that’s okay

rafe Cameron x fem!reader a/n: Hi!! Thank you so much for the request, seeing them makes me so happy :(( So sorry that this took me forever to write, I tried to write it a few times but couldn't embody what I was trying to say. This plot line helped me out honestly! I hope this was what you were hoping for. ILY!! content warnings: description of injury, mention of drugs, angst, arguing and yelling, swearing, happy ending bc I can't do angst without one

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Your face was pale with worry as you stood in the kitchen, trying to distract yourself from your growing anxiety. Your boyfriend, Rafe Cameron, was known to get himself in trouble very often. Usually you would be there to pull him out of it, but Rafe had stormed out of the house in a rage around 5 hours ago, shouting something about his new dealer and you knew there wasn’t a word you could’ve said to stop him. You knew that for a fact because you’d been thinking about it since he slammed the door.

The music you were listening to was turned up almost all the way as you attempted to drown out any thought that you could have by using the loudest music you could. However, you had to turn it down because the intense feeling just added to your stress. 

Sitting on the kitchen counter, you scrolled through the many texts that you had sent Rafe over the hours. There wasn’t any sign that he had even seen them and eventually they just stopped going through, a very blatant sign that his phone had died. Eventually you gave up, giving into your anxious tendencies and pacing around the house, your breathing panicked as you checked your phone constantly.

The front door slammed and you flinched at the sound, running out of the living and praying it was Rafe. When you looked at him for the first time that night, his face was bloody and sweat-ridden. His eyes were wide and each of his fists were red with blood that you could bet wasn’t his. Rafe’s hair was scattered and his clothes were torn in a few places, red staining the fabric.

“Rafe..” You said, watching as his dangerous gaze fell onto you.

“Don’t wanna talk about it..” He said, wiping blood from his nose and pushing past you with a grunt, “out of my way.” He said, rolling his eyes.

“What happened?” You asked, following after him. Your heart was pounding with anxiety and anticipation. Your breathing was still quick and panicked as you looked up at him again, wincing at the sight of his face.

“Told you I didn’t want to talk about it.” Rafe spat, putting out his arm to force distance between the two of you. 

“No, you don’t get to do this!” You protested as he stormed away. The worry and concern turned into anger and resentment in your little heart as he gave you another cold shoulder.

“Fuck off, will ya?” He said, not flicking his eyes to you once as he spoke.

“Rafe..” You said softly again, trying to get a better look at his current state. “Jesus! Will you just-“ He said, swatting your hand away, “Just leave me alone!” He stared you down, his voice rising with his anger.

“Please, just tell me you’re okay.” You said breathlessly, starting to pace backwards.

“Does it look like I’m okay?” He said, turning to look at you full on, watching you wince at the sight of his injuries.

You stood back, the feeling of anger burning a hole in your gut.

“God, what is your problem?” You said, muttering your words so that he could barely hear them,

“What was that? What did you say?” He asked, almost like he was challenging you. Instinctively, you look a step back again.

“What is your problem?” You repeated, raising your voice, hesitantly accepting his challenge.

He laughed, a dry and mocking tone as he stared you down. 

“What am I doing wrong?” You took a brave step forward, raising your voice, “I just want to help you!” “Stop! I don’t need you or your help.” Rafe shouted, taking an equal step and shoving a finger into your face.

“Fine.” You whispered, throwing your hands up in surrender and turning your back to him, walking out of the kitchen hesitantly.

You didn’t have a plan when you started to open the front door. Maybe you’d go to Kiara’s house and cry in her bed until the sun came up. Or maybe you’d go to JJ’s just to get Rafe back. God, he’d go crazy knowing that you went to JJ for comfort. You didn’t have to think about it for long, though, because you heard Rafe’s steps behind you.

“That’s not what I meant.” He said, closing the front door before you could leave as he started again, “That’s not what I meant and you know it.” You turned to look at him, his face still stern and threatening. In that moment, he had nearly lost his soft spot for you. “Why did you leave me?” You asked, your voice cracking as you reduced it to a pathetic whisper.

Rafe’s gaze softened as you watched his emotions flip around in his head. His tight knit eyebrows sunk down as he looked at your tearful eyes and his bloody lips pursed together with regret.

“Baby..” He whispered, slumping down to be closer to your shaking body.

“Don’t..” You whispered, your voice trailing off as you tried to back away, but you just couldn’t. Not when Rafe was looking at you like you were the only woman in the world. Instead, you took a step forward.

“I don’t want to do this, you know that, yeah?” He asked breathlessly, waiting for you to nod hesitantly before he continued, “Don’t want to hurt my baby girl.” Your heart broke he stared down at the ground, trying not to rest himself into your arms.

“Tell me what happened.” You said sternly with a gentle undertone, like a mother lecturing her child.

“I got caught up when I was with Barry and-“ You could tell he was lying by the way his ears turned a hot shade of red.

“Don’t lie.” You interrupted him, reaching up to touch his bloody cheek. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, relaxing into your touch.

“C’mon.” You said with a sigh, watching his face ease up as you spoke again, “M’gonna take care of you and you’re going to tell me what happened, yeah?” He rolled his eyes in a silent protest as he towered over you, eventually pulling back and letting you walk to the kitchen, following you closely.

You sat him at the kitchen island, wiping the blood from his cuts as you waited for him to talk.

“My new dealer gave me the wrong shit.” He grunted, trying to stifle a wince at the wound disinfectant that you were cleaning him up with. His voice was shaky when he continued, “Went to give him a talk and.. y’know.” You didn’t want to push him, so you nodded along with his words. After Rafe’s short truth, you sat in silence and finished bandaging what you could, wrapping his knuckles with different band-aids.

“I’m sorry.” Rafe said when you finished, looking up at you from his seat, “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” You offered, kissing the bandage on his cheek before helping him up, walking upstairs to your shared bedroom.

“We’ll talk tomorrow, m’kay?” 

He groaned, eventually giving in and reluctantly agreeing.

“Whatever you say, princess.”

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[ham-st4r]

𝑼𝒏𝒉𝒐𝒍𝒚 𝒕𝒊𝒆𝒔 - 𝑳. 𝑯𝒆𝒆𝒔𝒆𝒖𝒏𝒈

❦PAIRING: heeseung + female reader!❦

❦WARNINGS: mentions of intimacy, angst, taboo relationship, small age gap, child abuse, cheating, (not reader) mentions of illegal racing & weed smoking, kissing, alcohol, selling drugs, divorce, violence, blood, injuries, cursing, crying (not as intense as it sounds but I did want to make sure I added all the warnings)

❦GENRE: step-mom reader, stepson heeseung, dysfunctional family, slow burn.

❦SUMMARY: in which you move in with your husband after your wedding, everything is perfect except for one thing, no matter what, you can't seem to get close to his son. Even after a year of knowing each other, you hadn't even spoken ten words until his 21st birthday rolled around, and funny enough he was the surprising you.

❦NUMBER OF WORDS: 14,364k

Find your way around!

Hello, this is my longest fic so far, so I hope it's okay. Please leave feedback and reblog! thanks so much, happy reading.

It had already been two months since you moved in with your husband, and things couldn't have been better. He gave you a key to the house and even bought a car for you as a welcoming gift which you thought was over the top, but he assured you that it was more than okay and that you deserved it, which made you fall for him even more if that was possible.

In the beginning, your parents weren't too fond of you marrying an older man when you were still in your late 20's it took a while to convince them, but he really made you happy, and when you introduced him to your parents over dinner, and they saw how radiant you were when you were with him they gave you their blessing, and you couldn't have been happier.

There was just one tiny little problem.

More like a big problem.

No matter what you did, his son heeseung wouldn't even spare you a glance, not when you first met, not at the wedding, and not since the day you moved in, absolutely nothing.

You knew it was probably hard for him to go through all this, especially as a twenty-year-old getting used to having a mom or (stepmom) all over again, but you've been in his life for about a year now, and he still hasn't warmed up to you yet.

"I don't think he likes me," you sighed as you cuddled up next to your husband on the couch in the living room.

He wrapped his arms around you to comfort you. "Don't worry, honey. I'm sure he'll come around soon. He's just adjusting to the new house and everything," he reassures you.

"I hope so." You said with a sad smile.

That conversation happened last month, and he still hasn't made any effort to communicate with you.

You've tried various things to get his attention, like taking him shopping or making his favorite foods. Nothing worked, but his twenty-first birthday was right around the corner, and you were going to try to use the special day as a way to get closer and bond with him.

You noted that he enjoyed listening to music like a lot, so you had bought him the airpod max hoping he enjoyed them.

You could only hope he didn't think you were trying to buy his affection cause you really weren't. You just wanted to get to know your son.

And speaking of your son, he didn't tell you where he was off to when he left earlier this morning, and when you asked him, he just slammed the door in your face without saying goodbye, which wasn’t surprising to you anymore.

You initially called your husband, but he didn't pick up the phone, which also wasn’t surprising anymore. You figured he was just working overtime like he often does.

But luckily for you, he had given you heeseung's phone number in case of emergencies, and to you, this was an emergency he left in the morning, and it was now midnight with no word from him, so naturally, you were worried about him.

Thankfully your worried heart was put to ease when he answered on the first ring, and you breathed a sigh of relief. "What?" His tone was cold and harsh, just like it had always been, but right now, you didn't care. You were just happy he answered.

"Are you okay? Where are you? What time are you coming home?" You said in a worrisome tone.

You could hear him sigh on the other end. "I'll be back soon" you could barely hear him from all the loud noise in the background.

"Okay, I'll heat up dinner for you when you arrive. Drive saf-" your shoulders slumped down in defeat when he abruptly ended the call.

Another hour had passed, and you began to worry again, but the keys jingling outside the door made you jump to your feet excitedly. At least one of your boys was finally home.

"Hey!" You greeted. "I'll go get you something to eat. I'm sure you're starving" Heeseung didn't even pay you any attention. Instead, he took his shoes off at the door and made his way upstairs to his room.

You could only watch him with a frown on your face once he was out of sight. You could have sworn you smelled the scent of weed coming off him, and you furrowed your brows. You didn't know he smoked, which made you wonder if your husband knew you made a mental note to ask him when he came home from work later on.

Which was apparently not going to be tonight, it was already two in the morning, and you fought to keep your eyes open so you could greet him when he came back, but as the clock struck 2:02 am, you found yourself shuffling off to your shared bedroom drifting off to sleep just minutes later.

The next morning you woke up to an empty bed, and you assumed you had overslept and hubby was already at work. However, when you turned to face the clock, it was ten in the morning. You rubbed the sleep from your eyes, double-checking the time, and your eyes were correct. Maybe he worked all night or had to take the early shift. You'd just have to call him and figure it out later.

You got up and stretched for a while before going to the bathroom to wash up a bit.

Once you finished and went downstairs, you were pleasantly surprised to see heeseung dining at the table. "Morning," you greeted him with your croaky morning voice and a gentle smile as you made yourself a cup of coffee.

He didn't say anything, but that was to be expected. He never talked to you during breakfast. Since you moved in, you never had dinner as a family. It has always just been you and your husband occasionally while heeseung stayed in his room doing god knows what or you and heeseung sitting in absolute silence.

Once your coffee was ready, you joined him and quietly sipped your hot beverage. "I was really worried about you last night," you confess. You didn't want him to get up and leave when you tried to talk to him, but you wanted to express that you cared, and if that made him upset, you were willing to take that chance.

He looked at you briefly and took a spoonful of his cereal.

You took that as a sign to continue. "You don't have to tell me anything, but please just be home sooner than midnight," you spoke softly, just barely above a whisper, so you wouldn't scare him away.

He only gave you a small nod, but that was enough for a smile to spread across your face since he had finally acknowledged your presence.

You and him continued to have breakfast in comfortable silence until the front door opened and startled you slightly. "I'm home~" your husband sang as he stepped inside and took off his shoes.

You got up from your chair and ran over to him excitedly, wrapping your arms around his back and giving him a peck on the lips. "I missed you," you pouted, and he poked your cheek with a smile on his face.

"I missed you more" you grabbed his warm hand and led him to the kitchen table.

"We were just having breakfast. Would you like me to cook you something?" Before he could respond, heeseung had stood up and washed his unfinished cereal down the drain, and took off to his room.

You looked at your husband with sad eyes and sat on one of the kitchen chairs. "Why the sad face honey?" he stroked your cheek with his thumb lightly, and you leaned into his warm touch. "Hey, look at me" he tilted your head up slightly, staring at your beautiful eyes. "You had breakfast together again. That's a win, right?"

You’ve been having breakfast with heeseung since you moved in, and nothing has changed. It didn’t help you get closer with him, but you tried to stay positive, and you supposed your husband was right.

"Right" you got up from your seat and kissed his cheek. "I'll make some pancakes. How does that sound?"

"That sounds lovely." He agreed and gave you that beautiful smile of his.

"I don't want to kill the mood," you mumbled as you cut into your fresh plate of pancakes. "But last night when heeseung came home, he reeked of weed" you bit your bottom lip nervously as you awaited his reaction.

He just chuckled in response. "Honey, he's been like that for years. Don't worry about it." He dismissed.

"Has he been coming home past midnight for years too?" You hadn't noticed this behavior until last night. Usually, you were in bed by ten, but since you stayed up late waiting for your husband to come home, you were up late enough to encounter this apparent habit of heeseungs.

He dropped his fork and grabbed your hand. "Yes, ever since the divorce," he sighed. "He's just been very troubled. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he shuts me out all the time."

You wonder how bad the divorce must’ve been for heeseung to act this way. Your husband always said it was the past and that he didn’t want to talk about it, and you respected those boundaries, but you were still curious.

"Maybe I should talk to him," you suggested. After all, maybe it was the lack of a mother in his life that made him act this way. Maybe you could be there for him in a way his father couldn't.

He let go of your hand and clenched his jaw. "I told you I've already tried."

"But maybe I could try a different approach" you were adamant about the idea cause if heeseung was struggling. Naturally, you wanted to help him.

"Fine," he threw up his hands. "You'll just be wasting your time" your brows creased in confusion at his response. He had never acted this way before when you and him talked about heeseung's behavior, but before you thought too deeply about it, you assumed he was just tired and let the conversation go for now.

He abruptly stood up from the table and went to the bedroom, leaving you alone with three plates of unfinished food.

Heeseung had just come downstairs, and he looked like he was going out. Judging by the clothes he had on, he glanced at you, and you tried to hide your hurt expression by giving him a weak smile.

He eyed the table noticing there was a plate in front of his chair where he usually sat, and it was untouched.

He checked the time, and he supposed he could spare a minute or two. He rejoined you at the table, devouring your pancakes like it was his last meal on earth.

You smiled slightly as you watched him eat in silence. "Aren't you going to eat?" He mumbles after taking a sip of water.

You nearly jumped in surprise when he spoke to you, but you quickly composed yourself. "Yes," you whispered and resumed eating your pancakes, and even though they were cold, you ate every last bite with a smile, cherishing this rare moment with him.

Once he finished, he took his dishes to the sink and washed them along with the bowl he had left from earlier.

“Bye, heeseung” you gave him a tiny wave from the kitchen that he didn’t bother to return.

He put his shoes on at the door, and without another word, he was gone.

But at least there was progress, or so you thought.

You're sure that someone would have probably thought you were crazy with just how many decorations you had bought for your son's birthday, but hey, it was your first time celebrating the special day with him, and well, you wanted it to be special.

Unfortunately, earlier in the morning, when you were getting ready to go shopping, your husband informed you he wouldn't be home which totally ruined your whole entire mood. It seemed like everything went against you when it came to getting together as an actual family. If heeseung wasn't abruptly walking out of the room every time his dad entered, then his dad would be leaving for work nothing seemed to be working out for you.

"Can't you just call in? just this one time?" You all but begged him to stay home for Heeseung's birthday.

"No, I can't," he said flatly as he put on his dress coat. "He'll be fine. I always miss his birthday, whether it’s a business trip or for work, and besides, he's got you now" he turned around and flashed you a quick smile.

"Yeah," you mutter sadly while he kisses your cheek and waves goodbye to you.

You sighed at the earlier memory, but you weren't going to let it get your spirits down, especially when heeseung’s room was now decorated from head to toe. You smiled to yourself at the finished product taking a picture and sending it to your husband since he couldn't be there.

Now all that was left to do was wait for the birthday boy.

Heeseung trudged up the stone path to his house, sighing loudly when he saw the empty parking lot, which was a sign that his dad wasn't home.

"Seven years in a row," he mumbled sadly as tears welled in his eyes. He's not sure why he even still cared if his dad celebrated his birthday with him or not.

You'd think after seven years of hating his dad, he'd be over it by now, but he wasn't.

He remembers all those years ago when his mother did her best to make him feel loved going as far as inviting all his friends over to celebrate his birthday, but no matter how many people showed up, nothing could replace the absence of his father, not even the outrageous amount of gifts he received could replace that relationship he so desperately wanted with his dad.

Heeseung doesn't even know when it all started. All he knew was one day, he was a small child enjoying picnics at the park every Sunday after church, and the next moment he was a young teen, and his mom had turned into an alcoholic once she found out her husband was cheating on her, and just like that, everything fell to pieces and the perfect family was ruined all because of his piece of shit father.

Unfortunately, since heeseung was so young back then, he didn't have a choice in who he wanted to take custody of him after the divorce, and sadly there was no chance of him living with his mom. She didn't have enough money and a stable home for him to even stay in, so naturally, he was stuck with his father for the time being.

But now that he's a full-grown adult, he could make his own decisions about where he wanted to live, but stupidly enough, he was waiting and hoping that his father would change and that he would somehow care about him the way he used to but after two years of hoping heeseung had given up and decided to take his life into his own hands.

Which was probably not the best choice, but he needed money to move sooner than later, and a nine-to-five just wasn't going to cut it, especially cause he was secretly helping his mom get by cause, of course, his mother’s well being was no concern of his fathers, So naturally heeseung had resorted to the quickest way to make loads of money by selling drugs, betting, and racing illegally. It wasn't safe, but it was a safe bet to get him where he needed to be, and that was out from under the roof of his heartless father.

Especially right now, he's never wanted to leave so bad the fact that his dad had the fucking audacity to remarry was baffling to heeseung. He had the perfect wife, and he fucked it up for some random woman that he'd never see again, and that angered heeseung to the point that he couldn't even fathom he couldn't believe that his precious mother was brought down and reduced to absolutely nothing at the hands of his own father the thought made him feel sick.

And now that his father was doing the same thing with you made him feel even more sick. He never saw you as his mother. That’s for sure no one could ever replace her, not in a million years, but he could tell you were a good girl, and you were trying, which he appreciated. Even though he didn't show it, and even so, you still did your best and put up with his attitude to bring the family together, and you just had this glow that could change the whole atmosphere from dull and uninteresting to happy and cheerful, something his father didn't deserve he doesn't deserve your kindness because even after he fucked up with his first wife he didn't learn from his mistakes cause he was still going out behind your back every single night.

Heeseung wanted to tell you so badly about his dad’s unholy doings, but he didn't know if that was his secret to tell, so he stayed quiet. But right now, he didn't really care about respecting his father's privacy anymore cause not only was he cheating on his own son's birthday, but he was also out cheating behind your back, just like the old days.

You didn't deserve such treatment in heeseung's eyes. You deserved a real man, someone who could appreciate you for all your efforts and hard work, someone who could be there for you instead of leaving you home alone for ten hours a day, someone who could love you the right way.

God.

Heeseung feels so terrible for even thinking about you like that, but fuck, it was impossible for him not to. You were the perfect wife. Quite literally, everything about you was ideal for him.

He could see himself in his father's position so easily coming home from work to be greeted by you with warm hugs and kisses and a hot meal waiting for him on the table.

Except with him, it would be so different. He would answer all your calls, he would never come home late without telling you first, he'd give you massages when you were tired, and he would appreciate you for every little thing that you do.

Cause that's what you deserved, not a pathetic excuse for a man like his father.

As he got closer and closer to the door typing in the security code, he hadn't realized it yet, but his tears had subsided, and maybe that's all it took was for his dad to miss his birthday one last time cause as he took his shoes off at the front door he didn't have that heavy feeling in his gut anymore if anything it felt like a weight had been lifted and he could finally let go.

This felt like the last time his dad had to prove himself, and when heeseung came home to an empty parking lot, he accepted the fact that his father would never care about him the same way again, and as much as that hurt him in the beginning, it also felt like a relief cause now he didn't have to hang onto any false hope how could he when his own father gave him absolutely nothing to hang onto.

He was finally free, and he accepted his fucked up reality for what it was, something he wished he would have done years ago.

But, at least he can say he tried cause he really fucking did, no matter how painful it had been.

The house was oddly quiet normally. You would have been running down the stairs to greet him, but you were nowhere in sight, which made him frown.

He'd never ever ever ever admit to you that he liked it when you greeted him, that he liked it when you cooked his favorite dishes and liked how you worried about him and his safety when he was out late.

Cause god knows he loves all those things about you. Sometimes he'd leave the house just to hear you say bye, and he knows that sounds pathetic, but it's true.

He hated that he couldn't reciprocate your cheerful attitude. He wanted to so bad, and he almost slipped up so many times, but he was afraid that once that happened, there would be no going back. He was already basically in love with you at this point, and if he had to engage with you every day in a friendly manner, he'd be a goner, so instead, he gave you the cold shoulder and acted harshly towards you and it hurt him to know that he was hurting you, but if he ever acted on his desires for you he knows he'd ruin the family just like his father did, and he never wanted to be like his father ever.

He quietly made his way to the kitchen keeping his noise to a minimum, assuming you must have been tired and had gone to sleep early.

He decided to eat one of the apples you had bought from the market the other day. You had been talking about how good they were, and he remembered the sad look on your face when his stupid ugly, nasty father rejected them, saying. "I OnLy eaT oRgaNic fRuiT."

Oh, how heeseung wished he could have stuffed all those apples down his dad's throat at that very moment.

As heeseung bit into the apple, a smile unknowingly spread across his face. You were right. They were delicious, or maybe it was just cause you bought them, who really knows, but he enjoyed every last bite of it before throwing the core into the trash barrel and jogging upstairs to wash up for bed, not knowing that he was about to nearly have a heart attack after he opened his door.

"Surprise!" You popped out from hiding behind his door and held a cake with two big candles reading twenty-one on it. "Happy birthday, heeseung!" You smiled brightly.

His eyes went as wide as saucers as they scanned all the decorations. There were white, green, and purple balloons decorating his ceiling, and on the cake was his favorite cartoon character, buzz light year.

He couldn't do it.

He couldn't treat you harshly anymore, not after something like this. How could he?

This was far more than anything he could ever ask for, and he couldn't help but tear up. How did you know he loved Toy Story? His dad didn't even know that, not that that's saying much, but still, he couldn't believe that someone actually paid enough attention to him to even notice.

His silence was making you nervous, but before you could start overthinking, he quickly blew out the candles and set the cake on his nightstand, pulling you into one of the tightest hugs you've ever felt.

"Thank you, y/n, thank you so much," he cried on your shoulder, and you were shocked. You were not expecting this type of reaction from him, but you thoroughly enjoyed it and quickly hugged him back.

"You're welcome, birthday boy" you ruffled his hair, and it was difficult for you not to cry as well. Your son was finally hugging you for the first time since you met.

You rubbed his back gently as his cries started to die down a bit, and he pulled away from the hug, looking at you with teary eyes. It took everything in him not to kiss you right now, and he's thankful that you broke eye contact with him first. Otherwise, he probably would have done something really stupid. "Come on, let's open your presents" you wiped the tears off his cheeks, and he smiled before closing his door and joining you on his bed. "Okay, first one," you handed him the box excitedly. It was a Ferrari Lego set wrapped in Toy Story themed paper.

He didn't want to ruin your beautiful wrapping, but he couldn't contain his excitement as he ripped the paper off, gasping when he saw what was in his hands. "You didn't have to. How did you know?" You giggled at his reaction and nudged his shoulder playfully.

"Mothers know these kinds of things" he froze when you said that, being reminded of what this actually was a mother and son celebrating a birthday. He realized he was painting a different picture of what was actually happening inside his head, a more romantic one, so he calmed down his excitement while silently reminding himself that you only thought of him as your stepson, nothing more, nothing less. "Besides, your whole room is full of legos" you pointed to his shelf with all his little figurines, and he smiled at that, happy that at least someone paid attention to him.

"Thank you!" you felt saddened that he still hadn't called you mom yet, but your husband was right. It's the small wins that count. Heeseung would come around soon enough, you thought, especially after tonight.

"Okay, next!" You handed him another big box, and you couldn't wait for his reaction to this one.

"What did you get me?" He asked with a teasing smile. Honestly, being like this in front of you was easy for him. He felt light whenever you were around. Everything was just so carefree and comfortable. That's one of the many things he loved about you. Even if you two never spoke properly before, this felt natural, and he knew it did for you, too. He knows all the effort you put in to get closer to him, so he knew this meant a lot to you too, and he was grateful cause that let him know you cared and you didn't just give up on him like his parents did no matter how many times he treated you rough you were always patient with him which made him wonder how his worthless dad was lucky enough to get a girl as perfect as you.

"Open it and see" your cheeks hurt from smiling so much, but you were just so happy that he was finally opening up to you and letting you in. It made you feel so much joy that he trusted you to show you his real emotions. This moment meant the world to you, and you'd definitely never forget it.

"No way!" He stared at you in shock. "You're freaking crazy," he said, getting choked up as he examined the headphones.

You're not sure if he was crying cause of the present or the fact that he was finally celebrating this day with someone after so long, but it didn't matter to you as long as he was happy. "Do you like it?" You side-hug him and lean on his shoulder.

"Of course, y/n," he sniffles. "I love it" you leaned up, watching the smile that never left his face until he turned to look you dead in the eyes. "I love you" he used the opportunity to slip those words in just to let you know he knew you'd think of it in a mother-son way, but he didn't care as long as he got to tell you before he left.

Those words nearly brought tears to your eyes. That was even better than him calling you mom. You smiled brightly. You were so happy, and you couldn’t wait to tell your husband the news.

"I love you too" you quickly pecked his cheek as you stood up from his bed to grab the cake. "How about some cake?" He looked at you and nodded. "Come on," you said in a whisper and gestured downstairs.

"Can we eat it here?" He asks sheepishly, and if you didn't know any better, you'd think he was turning five and not twenty-one from his childish request, but who were you to say no to eating cake in bed?

He sat back on his bed and tucked his feet under him while the bed dipped down next to him from your weight. He swiped his finger along the cake, gathering some frosting and licking it off his finger. "Good?" You ask, laughing at the way he decided to eat it without a fork.

"Yeah," he mutters shyly as you do the same, tasting the sweet frosting and humming at its delicious taste nodding in agreement with him.

You both ate the chocolate cake until there was barely anything left, and he sat it back down on his nightstand before he joined you on the bed again.

"You don't know how much this means to me," he whispered and trailed off while playing with his fingers nervously.

He looked like he wanted to say more, so you waited patiently for him to continue like you always had.

"This was the best birthday ever," he breathed out and looked at you with an unreadable expression.

"I'm so happy to hear that" you smiled genuinely at him and gently patted his shoulder.

Before you could even register what was happening, he was leaning in and kissing you.

It was if time had stopped.

You were paralyzed when you felt his lips on yours. You couldn't react from your state of shock as your eyes widened. He continued kissing you, tilting his head slightly and brushing his lips over yours.

When he placed his hand on your knee, you finally were able to react to the situation, and you pushed him back roughly by his shoulders. "What the hell are you doing?" You wiped his saliva off your mouth and stood up, distancing yourself away from him as you caught your breath.

He immediately hung his head low, knowing that he had messed up big time. You could hear him sniffling lightly. "I'm sorry," he whispered as his voice cracked. "Y/n, I didn't mean to." He looked at you with tears now trickling down his face. "I-I don't know what came over me, I'm sorry" he got off his bed and reached for you, but you backed away from him further, and his heart ached when he saw the pure look of utter disgust on your face.

Your heart felt like it was about to leap out of your chest from how fast it was beating. You had no idea what to even think. Your mind was blank as you rushed out of his bedroom and into yours, locking the door behind you just in case he tried to follow you.

You curled up in bed and let the silence take over, trying to make sense of what the hell just happened.

As you were lost in thought, you heard a few soft knocks on the door, and you jumped slightly. "Y/n, please don't be mad at me," he pleaded softly, and you could hear the hurt in his tone. "Please…” he whispered shakily, and you heard a soft thud on the door when he rested his forehead against it.

For the next three minutes or so, you could hear him quietly sobbing outside your door, and you were torn on what to do. Your stepson had just kissed you out of the clear blue.

You didn't know if you should talk to him about it or not. Maybe he had been smoking and just made a mistake, but you can’t remember smelling any smoke.

You ruffled your hair in frustration and did the first thing that came to your mind.

You tried phoning your husband. Maybe he could give you some answers.

You just sighed when you heard the dial tone.

Of course, he didn't answer like usual it annoyed you that he could never answer his phone because of work. You knew he was more than likely in a meeting, and he couldn't be disturbed, but every time you needed him, he was never there. You knew that’s what you were getting into when you married such a busy man, but that didn’t make it any less upsetting.

You tossed your phone to the side and sighed loudly. You could still hear heeseung’s faint sniffles from behind the door.

"I know there’s no excuse for what I did, but for what it's worth, you made this birthday the best one yet" he dragged his index finger down the length of the door. "G-goodnight, y/n" he walked back to his room and lied on his bed, feeling absolutely terrible about himself. Not only did he kiss you without permission, but he also kissed a married woman. "What was I thinking?" He mumbled quietly into his pillow.

He knew exactly what he was thinking, and he let his emotions get the best of him, but it was so hard to control it when you looked at him so fondly. How could he not get emotional when you had set up all those things just for his birthday? How could he not get emotional when you remembered the things that he liked?

It's been almost a decade since he felt those types of emotions, and he wasn't ready to feel those things again, especially not with you, especially when he couldn't control his feelings for you.

All those thoughts, feelings, and emotions came over him so fast that he didn’t have time to second guess his actions, but as soon as his lips were no longer on yours, he realized that he had made an irreversible mistake.

The last thing he saw before he cried himself to sleep was his leftover cake on the nightstand.

You woke up in the morning, and unfortunately, the first thought that came to mind was last night. You frustratedly massage at your temples, trying to rub out the headache while looking at the alarm clock that read 8:27am.

You turned to your husband and wrapped your arms around him, hoping to seek some comfort from him after what happened last night, but he rolled on his side after mumbling something about it being too hot as he scooted away from you.

That was another thing that has been troubling you lately. Maybe you were blowing things out of proportion from all the stress you had been carrying with you recently, but he seemed so standoffish lately he'd barely kiss you unless it was before he left to work, and god forbid you mentioned your worries about heeseung to him, he'd just blow you off, and tell you that heeseung was an adult that could do what he wanted.

But the worse part was you couldn't remember the last time he took you on a date or the last time he made love to you, and getting married only seemed to create distance between you both, and you hated it. You felt so alone being cooped up in the house all day. Sure, you'd go shopping sometimes, but that only took your mind off of things for a little while.

And heeseung never talked to you, so that made you feel even more alone, and after last night everything kind of just hit you like a ton of bricks. You felt more isolated than you ever have, and you had no one to talk to. You moved far from your parents, and the time zones were completely different. You hadn't contacted your friends in years, and now it was just you all alone by yourself to figure out what you should do after your stepson thought it would be okay to kiss you, and your husband was practically ignoring your needs as his wife.

This whole time you've been so worried about getting the mother approval stamp from heeseung that you barely even had time to focus on your life with your husband, and now that you realized that, it felt awful. 

"What do I do?" You whisper as tears well in your eyes, sobbing quietly so you wouldn’t wake your sleeping husband.

For the whole day, heeseung didn't even think about leaving his room. He just couldn't face you after what he did last night.

Remembering the look on your face was enough to have him curled up in bed until midnight.

Once he saw all the lights were shut off, that's when he decided to leave. He made his way to the door, and he almost shirked when he saw you lying on the sofa all by yourself.

He tiptoed to the door, praying you wouldn't wake up, and to his luck, you didn't. He hastily put his shoes on and haphazardly wore his jacket and went to his secret racing spot.

You stirred in your sleep. Once you heard the door shut, you must have passed out while watching tv again. "Babe?" You called out, but you got no answer. You turned the tv off and went to your bedroom to see your husband fast asleep. "He didn't wake me up?" You mumbled you were once again waiting for him to come home from work, but you fell asleep, and he didn't even think to wake you up before going to bed.

Which reminds you, if he wasn't the one leaving, then that must have meant it was heeseung, and it was past midnight since your talk with him over breakfast. He seemed to understand your concern for him being out so late and made it a point to come home no later than ten.

So why was he leaving past midnight again?

You wanted to call him and tell him to bring his butt home, but after last night you're not sure where he stood with you or where you stood with him, to be honest.

Heeseung didn't want to leave past midnight and make you worry, but after what happened the night of his birthday, he figured you didn't care about him coming or going cause he made you mad, and he hated knowing that he ruined the little relationship you had both formed just as quickly as it happened.

But if he looked on the bright side, at least now, you probably hated him and wouldn't try to get close to him anymore, so that was a good thing. Maybe that would help him suppress his feelings for you, and besides, he'd be leaving soon anyway, so how you felt about him didn't really matter.

He was going to use the money he made from his nightly races and drug deals to move out. He now had more than enough to afford his own place and live alone comfortably.

Of course, his dad wanted him out a lot sooner and would be more than happy to buy heeseung his own house to get him out of his hair, but heeseung didn't want anything to do with his father once he was gone. 

Everything that happened in this house he wanted to be a thing of the past, even if that included you.

Sure, it was a cop-out move to just avoid what happened that night, but in his mind, there wasn't a need to address that situation again. He fucked up, and that was the end of it.

That wasn't the only reason he wanted to move though his dad played the bigger role in that, and now after that incident with you, it was fuel for him to leave even sooner than he had originally planned.

He closed his eyes as a few tears rolled down his cheek, and the crowd roared his name as he revved his engine.

And as soon as the two black and white checkered flags were raised, he pressed his foot on the gas, going full speed ahead, pushing all his worries down just like his gas peddle, even though he knew they would all surface again and haunt him once he reached the finish line.

Of course, you couldn't get any sleep cause heeseung was still out, and it was now three in the morning, not to say you would have been able to get any sleep with your husband snoring loudly next to you anyways.

You quietly got out of bed and put your robe on. You walked downstairs and poured yourself a glass of wine, sitting on the sofa, waiting for heeseung to come home.

It wasn't long before the door was creaking open, and you heard the familiar jingle of heeseung’s keys.

He turned around and twisted the knob so he could shut the door silently.

You cleared your throat, and he nearly jumped out of his shoes as he slowly turned around with a grimace on his face. "Mind telling me what you've been up to?" You traced the rim of your now empty glass as you crossed your leg over the other.

"S-s-sorry, I won't do it a-again," he mumbled as he hung his head low and kicked his shoes off at the door.

"What exactly is it that you won’t be doing again?" You asked and slowly held the cup to your lips, taking a small sip of the alcoholic drink.

He gulped nervously from your stern tone. "Just hanging out late with some friends," he lied. He didn't have any friends, not since his parents divorced.

You hum and nod your head. "Do these friends happen to smoke?" You questioned.

How the hell did you know that? "Yes," there was no point in lying. He wouldn't want to make you more upset.

You pinched the bridge of your nose and sighed. "What did I tell you about being out past midnight?"

"I know, and I'm sorry," he mumbles. "I didn't think you'd care" he bit his lip nervously.

"Why wouldn't I care? You're my son," his expression hardened at your words.

"Please stop saying that," he whispered shakily.

"What's wrong? I know I'm not your biological mother, but I'm trying here" you pushed down the lump in your throat and ignored the ache in your heart as he said those words to you.

"You just don't get it, do you? That's just the thing, you're not my mom, and I'll never see you as my mom" he clenched his jaw in annoyance.

Now you couldn't even pretend that didn't hurt like hell that's all you ever wanted was for him to call you mom but the way those words fell from his mouth so carelessly broke your heart. "W-what did you say?" Your voice now matched him with a shakiness that made him instantly regret what he said.

He came closer to you, wrapping your frail body in his arms. The smell of smoke invaded your senses as you inhaled sharply. "No, no, no, that's not what I meant," he whispered as your shoulders shook in his hold. "You know what, screw it" he pulled back and stared into your eyes intensely. "I'll never see you as my mom because," he took a deep breath before continuing. "Because I like you" his bottom lip quivered, and you could feel his body shaking slightly. "I know it's wrong, and I swear I tried not to, b-but I just couldn't help it, and on my birthday, I just couldn't control how I felt. It's the first time someone has shown me any type of affection in years, and I-"

You cut him off. This was nonsense. He was speaking. There's no way that's how he truly felt. "You never even talked to me before then" you pulled away from the hug and waited for him to explain.

"I know," he whined out. "But that's why I didn't want to get close to you 'cause this whole time I've had…" he trailed off, but you got the point. "And on my birthday, you just" he looked down at his feet, embarrassed and ashamed to even be telling you this. "You made me feel special, and I haven't felt that in a long time." He whispered.

You looked at him with a million questions swirling around in your mind, but you asked the burning one. "What about your father? He's great to you. Surely he makes you feel special" you tried to make sense of what heeseung was saying, but you couldn't wrap your head around it, and getting angry wouldn’t help, so you spoke calmly while hoping to get some answers.

He just scoffed at your words and shoved his hands into his pockets. "He didn't even wish me a happy birthday." He poked his inner cheek with his tongue.

A look of shock overtook your features. Of course, you knew your husband wasn't going to be there on his son's special day, but not buying him a gift and not sending him a text was outrageous. "Maybe he was just too busy," you reasoned. There's no way he would not have sent his own son a happy birthday text unless he was busy.

"For the last seven years? I don't think anyone is that busy" he rolled his eyes. "It's obvious what's important to him, and I'm not."

"Don't talk about your father that way. He's a great man and a great husband, and you're just being ungrateful right now. He's working himself to death to take care of us both," heeseung just gave you a sad smile.

If you had any idea.

"If you say so," he wasn't going to argue with you about this. He was afraid he would slip up and spill his dad's secrets, and that would make everything so much worse than it already was.

"Just go to your room, and you're not going out tomorrow." You concluded that was all that needed to be discussed right now.

Without another word, he quietly went to his room and left you stressed out on the couch with so many unanswered questions.

"Honey will you call that deadbeat son of ours from his room," your husband joked as he sat at the table.

You just chuckled at his statement, knowing he meant no harm, and went to get heeseung from his room.

You knocked a few times and waited for him to answer. He cracked the door open just a sliver, and you saw his eyes widen slightly. "Yes?" He whispered.

You hated how he almost seemed scared of you after everything, but right now, there was nothing that you could think of to fix this situation between you and him, so you’d just have to be awkward around each other for the time being.

"Dinners ready, and your father wants you to sit with us," you informed him in a soft tone hoping that would help unnerve him, but it didn't seem to work.

"Ok," he said quietly and opened the door, fully exiting his room and coming downstairs with you.

"There he is! Finally decided to crawl out of that den of yours," heeseung sighed while sitting at the table. He knew this was going to be absolute torture. He was only doing it cause he knew you wanted to. "So your mother told me you've been smoking, is that true?"

You gasped in shock. This was not how you wanted him to bring this up. Tonight was just supposed to be a simple, peaceful dinner, nothing more, nothing less.

You shook your head and signaled for your husband to stop, and heeseung looked at you with a tinge of hurt on his face. Not believing the fact that you had told his secret.

Apparently, your husband didn't get the memo. "So are you going to answer, or do I have to beat it out of ya" his father joked, but neither you nor heeseung was laughing.

You smiled awkwardly and took a sip of your lemonade, staying quiet.

"What does it matter?" Heeseung responded harshly.

"To be honest, I don't care what you do, but your mother here is worried about you," he said while cutting into his steak.

"Babe," you scolded him for his choice of words. You knew he was just frustrated and didn't mean them, but you still acknowledged how inappropriate that was to say. "Sorry he's been drinking," you murmured to heeseung, but he knew even if his dad wasn't drinking, he would still say those hurtful words to him without thinking twice about it.

"There's nothing to worry about" heeseung dismissed the topic from going any further.

"See honey? I told you it's fine" you just sat there uncomfortably for the rest of the dinner. Maybe it was just you, but he didn't seem to care about his own son's reckless behavior, and it left an uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach. "What I am worried about, though, is when you're going to get a girlfriend. I mean, you're a grown man, and you haven't dated anyone." He chuckled.

Heeseung glanced at you feeling embarrassment course throughout his veins.

You were surprised to hear that. Heeseung was a good guy. From what you know, he was intelligent and interested In making music, plus he had handsome features, so you were bewildered at the new information.

"Isn't that something, dear? He's twenty-one and doesn't have a girlfriend."

"Well, that's his choice, babe. Maybe he just hasn't found the right one," you try to ease the tension of the conversation, hoping heeseung would loosen up a bit, but he didn't.

The conversation started out in the wrong direction, to begin with, but now it was completely lost.

"I suppose, but he hasn't even had sex yet" this was the first time you had ever heard your husband talk in such a manner, and it was revolting, to say the least, especially at the dinner table.

Has he always been like this? You wondered.

"Dad, we can have this conversation another time," heeseung gritted through his teeth. He knew his dad was trying to get under his skin, not to say he cared, but heeseung just didn't want you thinking differently of him for being a virgin. He didn't want to think he was any less of a man.

Of course, his dad wasn't going to listen to that, not when there was a perfectly good opportunity to humiliate his son. "Hell, he hasn't even had his first kiss yet," he chuckled, and heeseung's mouth parted as he stared at his dad in shock, unable to comprehend why he'd want to put him to shame like that in front of you.

Heeseung looked at you scanning your face for your reaction, and you could have sworn you saw tears in his eyes before he got up from the table and ran off to his room.

"Why would you say that?" You asked, knowing that you weren't the only one that could obviously see that heeseung was upset when he left.

"Say what? It's harmless fun. He'll get over it" he took a drink of his beer before shrugging his shoulders.

"That didn't look harmless to me, and it wasn't funny," you said sternly while throwing your napkin on the table.

You may not have been on good terms with heeseung, but he didn't deserve to have his love life aired out for your husband's drunken amusement.

You could only imagine how embarrassed heeseung felt.

You stood up from the table and headed to your room as well. You couldn’t believe he had to ruin the evening. "Honey, wait, I'm sorry," you heard him drunkenly apologizing, but you continued on to your room, too stressed and tired to put up with him or anything else right now.

After you finished washing up, you went to check on heeseung. As hard as it was going to be to speak to him, you just wanted to make sure he was okay after what happened.

You knocked on his door, hoping he hadn't already gone to sleep. You waited a few seconds after knocking, and you didn't get an answer.

Maybe he was listening to music, you thought and cracked the door slightly. He was lying in his bed listening to music, just like you had originally thought, and he was wearing the headphones you bought him for his birthday. You smiled at the heartwarming sight before opening the door further and revealing yourself.

His head shot up to the door when he noticed the light from the hallway shining into his dimly lit room. When he saw it was you, he quickly took off his headphones and straightened out his blankets, running his fingers through his hair, trying to tidy up a bit.

"Can I come in?" He just looked at you and nodded his head. You shut the door behind you and sat on his bed, pushing away the thoughts of the last time you were in his room on his bed. "Sorry about him," you apologized on your husband's behalf.

"It's not your fault" he scooted away from you and hugged his knees to his chest. "It wouldn't be the first time he's done that" the words accidentally slipped from his mouth, and he panicked.

"What do you mean?" You ask him, puzzled.

Heeseung was quick to come up with an excuse. You didn't know much about his relationship with his father. From the outside looking in, they seemed like they got along pretty well, and heeseung knew what he said just now would make you ask questions, and those questions he didn't want to answer cause ultimately they would reveal what his dad was doing to you this whole entire time.

"Uhh, you know, just the teasing and all" he smiled uncomfortably and hoped you'd buy that lame excuse, and it seemed like you did when you nodded your head in understanding.

"Just so you know, it's nothing to be ashamed of" you were going to reach your hand out and comfort him, but you decided it'd be best if you didn't.

"I don't want to talk about it," he said lowly, and you sighed in defeat as you sat up and walked out of his room. If he didn't want to talk about it, you weren't going to force him to. You assumed he needed space, and you were more than willing to give it to him.

You went back to your shared bedroom to find your husband already lying in bed waiting for you. "Honey, I'm sorry," he apologized again while you got into bed next to him. "I'll talk to him tomorrow. He's probably upset with me," he mumbled in the crook of your neck as he wrapped his arms around you.

You cuddle up closer to him, and he presses soft kisses all over your neck, tickling you. "Babe!" You shouted when he started tickling your sides playfully.

"What?" He answers back as if he's unaware of what he was doing to you.

You giggled and squirmed, trying to get out of his hold.

"I gotcha now," he teased and continued tickling you while laughing at the noises you were making.

Heeseung could hear you both talking and laughing. He hated how his room was right next to your guy’s, and he could hear literally everything.

He turned up his music to full blast, drowning out everything. The last thing he wanted was to hear you being intimate with his father.

His father didn't deserve to see your body, heeseung thought. You should have been in his bed making love to him. He was confident his father couldn't please you the way he could. Hell, it wouldn't even be a comparison.

If heeseung had a chance with you, he'd give you anything you wanted. He'd take his precious time with your delicate body, trace his fingers over every dip and curve of your beautiful figure whisper praises in your ear about how good you make him feel. He'd stare directly into your eyes and tell you how much he loves you and how precious you are to him as he slowly strokes inside you while you moan his name and clasp your hands tighter with his.

You should be in his room right now with him.

Little did heeseung know you were unfortunately not getting intimate with his father cause after the little tickling session, he passed out from all the alcohol he drank earlier in the evening, leaving you to fall asleep unsatisfied for the countless night in a row.

A few weeks had passed now, and things were starting to get better with your husband. He was taking you out more and spending more time with you, which was great, and it kept your mind clear.

Unfortunately, things were the same with heeseung, and even still, you had no clue what to do. You wanted to tell your husband, but you had no idea what kind of mess that would have caused, so you ignored it entirely, and heeseung went back to his old ways of giving you the cold shoulder, which you were happy about cause that made you feel better about not addressing the situation somehow you twisted it that if he wasn't talking to you you weren't going to talk to him and you convinced yourself this was his fault for shutting you out.

Besides, he hasn't made a move on you since, so there wasn't anything to talk about, right?

Right.

Finally, you got your much-needed break from everything that has happened this past month, and you couldn't have asked for anything better than to be where you are right now, hugged up to your husband on the couch, watching movies as he stroked your hair.

Your guy’s movie marathon was interrupted by heeseung making a surprise visit to the living room. He scoffed and made his way to the couch, handing his father his key to the house before retreating back to his room.

You eyed the little transaction, and you furrowed your brows, looking at the house key that sat on the entertainment stand in the living room. 

"Babe, what was that about?" You wondered why heeseung was giving up his house key.

"Oh, he didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?" You say, growing more confused by the second.

"He's moving out next week," he told you as if it was just something as small as a story from one of his co-workers or something.

You sat up abruptly. "What?! No, he didn't tell me" you knew things weren’t going great with you and heeseung right now, but you didn't expect him to keep something this important from you. "Why didn't you tell me?" Now that was the strange part he didn't know about yours and heeseung's falling out, so why would he assume heeseung would tell you when he didn't even speak to you?

"Cause it's not a big deal" he shrugged and tried to hug you, but you backed away.

"It is a big deal. You know how hard I've been trying to get close to him, and you didn't even think to tell me he would be moving?" You raised your voice slightly.

"What does it matter?"

You couldn't sit still any longer. You got up from the sofa and went to heeseung's room. Maybe he could give you a better explanation than the bullshit your husband just gave you. "Why didn't you tell me you’re leaving?" Your tone was still harsh, but it wasn't aimed toward heeseung.

"Didn't think you'd care" he disregarded the way you just stormed into his room without knocking.

"Why would you think that?" Your expression softened, as well as your tone.

"We haven't talked in weeks, so what's the point? For all practical purposes, I'm not even here," he angrily shoved his belongings into his suitcase.

You knew it was your fault why he felt like that, and it made you feel terrible. You could no longer deny the fact that your and Heeseung's relationship diminished because you were not handling what happened like an adult. "I'm sorry. It's all my fault."

Fuck fuck fuck.

He wanted to punch and kick himself for thinking you looked cute apologizing right now. That's not what this is about, heeseung focus. He took a deep breath and put on his hard exterior once again. "I forgive you," he said with no emotion at all.

He couldn’t understand why you’d take all the blame, though, cause he definitely had a part to play.

You watched him packing, and you still felt guilty for everything, even if he had forgiven you. "So that's just it then?" You asked sadly, you knew at this point having a mother-and-son relationship was out of the picture, but you’d still miss him when he was gone.

He sighed and zipped up his bag, opening a smaller one for his toiletries. "What do you want from me, hmm? I already told you this," he pointed back and forth between the two of you. "Is never going to happen. I can't give you what you want, and you can't give me what I want."

"Heeseung, I don't know what to say. I want to tell you I'm sorry, but I'm not. I'm a happily married woman, and you have to understand that," you tried to explain to him in a way he'd understand without hurting his feelings.

"Exactly, and I can accept that, so why can't you accept the fact that this picture-perfect family idea of yours is never going to work? I'm moving out, and now you can live the rest of your life happily with that-" he had to bite his tongue to stop himself from talking and saying something he shouldn't.

"Honey?" You heard your husband calling you from downstairs, and heeseung sighed. You wanted to finish listening to what he was saying, but you opted to leave his room and go to your husband.

"Fuck” heeseung said under his breath when you walked out.

He wanted to let you know what was happening, but he was scared. He didn't want to hurt your feelings, or worse, what if you didn't believe him?

He shook his head and finished packing. It wasn't his mess to sort out. He tried to convince himself.

Everyone glossed over what happened over the next week, and so did you heeseung was leaving today, and there wasn't anything you could do or say to stop him.

It was in the evening, and you were supposed to be going out to dinner with your husband, but he wasn't answering your calls. He said he'd be ready by six, yet it was eight, and he didn't even bother to call you to inform you what was taking him so long, and you started to get worried. 

Tears unknowingly pricked your eyes and cascaded down your face. Everything had gotten to you, and you couldn't contain your emotions anymore and finally let out all your frustrations.

You sobbed into the palms of your hands while sitting at the kitchen table. Everything seemed to be going wrong the past month, and you had no idea how to fix it heeseung was basically done with you, and your husband didn't even seem to notice how stressed you were lately. You were hoping to talk to him over dinner, and now that fell through, so here you sat sobbing like an overgrown baby waiting for your beloved husband to come home.

To make matters even worse, when you looked up, you met eyes with heeseung, and he was just staring at you.

You must have missed him coming down the stairs while you were crying hysterically.

You quickly grabbed a napkin and dried your tears. Obviously, it was too late to hide them, but you still tried.

Heeseung dropped his moving boxes at the door and made his way over to the kitchen. He didn't hesitate for a moment to lean down and wrap his arms securely around your shaking shoulders. "Shhh, it’s okay" he kissed the crown of your head and rested his cheek there while fluttering his eyes shut.

You didn’t have it in you to tell him off for his overly affectionate gesture, so you let him comfort you instead.

You grabbed his hand and held it tightly. You didn't have to tell him why you were crying. He saw his mother in the same position you were in right now, all beautiful and dressed up, ready for the big date that never came.

"I'm going to tell you something that I know I shouldn't, but you deserve to know," he whispered and squeezed your shoulder reassuringly. "My father is cheating on you" heeseung's heart rate increased as he finally spilled his father's filthy secret to you.

"What?!" You pushed his arms off you, and he stumbled back slightly while you stood up from your seat. "Why would you say that? He would never" you defend your husband. Little did you know he would, and he was at this very moment.

Heeseung hung his head low. "That's the same thing I thought when my mother told me," his voice cracked. "I know it's hard to accept it. I've been there before, but it's true."

"No," You felt more fresh tears welling in your eyes. "Take that back right now. How could you ever speak about him that way" this was absolutely preposterous, you thought.

"Because it's true, I wanted to tell you for so long, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings, okay?" He stepped closer to you, and you let him engulf you in a hug, but you didn't hug him back.

"How do you know?" You asked, nibbling on your lip. You wanted to fight back, but something about the look on heeseung's face made you feel like he was telling you the truth, and it made you feel sick.

"Call him and ask him where he is," he responds quietly. You broke away from the hug.

"No, I get it now. You're just trying to break us up 'cause you can't stand the fact that I don't want to be with you" that had to be it cause the man you married would never cheat on you, and you knew he loved you, too much to do that to you.

"What?!" Heeseung said, shocked that you would not only accuse him of lying but the fact that you would think that lowly of him. "I would never lie to you, y/n that's not the type of guy I am, and what would I gain from lying to you? I know you'd take his word over mine any day, and besides, I'm leaving today, so even if I was trying to turn you against my father, that'd be pretty stupid given the fact that once I walk out of that door in the next fifteen minutes, you'll probably never see me again."

That was true, but maybe heeseung didn't want you for himself. Maybe he just wanted to ruin your life cause you didn't accept his advances.

He could see the apprehension on your face, and he took the opportunity to further prove his point. "He said he would be home today at six, right?" You just nodded your head. "And he also said he was going to go to work, right?" You nodded once more, feeling a heavy weight settle in your gut. "So if I call his work right now, he should be there, right?" You knew where this was going, and you didn’t like it one bit. You were going to leave and go to your bedroom, but he quickly grabbed your wrist and stopped you from moving.

He let go of you and pulled out his phone, and dialed his dad's work number, putting it on speaker as the phone rang three times before someone picked up. "Hi, could you give me Mr lee's extension? I'm his son, and he's not answering his phone right, and I'm worried" you listen, as whoever was taking the phone call informed heeseung that Mr lee had not been at work today and that he was always off on Sunday. "Oh, okay, thank you. Bye," you stared at heeseung with tears in your eyes.

But you were still in denial. "He's probably just off doing some work elsewhere," you smiled and convinced yourself.

Heeseung couldn't believe how much you were defending his father, but he understood he was the same way when he found out from his mother, but he was going to prove to you that it was true one way or the other. "Y/n, I need you to listen closely to me. I'm doing this for you, okay? I love you, and I don't ever want to see you hurt. I don't want to sit back and watch the next most important woman in my life get reduced to nothing at the hands of my father, not again" it was hard for him to contain his emotions. Talking about this topic was something he thought he had gotten over, but it felt like the wound had never healed, even though he thought it did years ago.

You stood in silence, wrapping your arms around yourself, preparing for what he was about to say. If you were being honest, you had your doubts about your husband a few times, like when he smelled like women's perfume, and he told you he worked around females, so that's why he smelled that way at the time that sounded true, so you went along with it the other time you saw a red stain on his shirt that looked a lot like lipstick, but you thought you were reaching and didn't bring it up to him but now as heeseung was giving you all this information you weren't so sure so instead of telling heeseung off for saying such foul things about his own father you stayed and listened cause deep down you were afraid you had been right all along.

"Remember all the times I always left the table when he came home? It's cause we don't get along. He made it seem that way, so you wouldn't think any less of him, but he knows deep down I hate his guts, and he hates mine. You remember all the times he came home from work late? He was out at the club. Remember all the times he didn't answer his phone or come till the next day? He was off with somebody else while you were waiting at home for him like a good wife" before you could shut him down, he pulled up a picture of your husbands' car in the parking lot of a club, and that's when it felt like your world had come crashing down you had a feeling but you being you just thought you were overthinking all the time, and you stupidly gave your husband the benefit of the doubt when evidently he didn't deserve it.

You were sad, hurt, and upset. "Why would you do that?" You said to heeseung while crying. He just looked at you, mirroring your hurt expression cause this was just as hard for him to relive all over again as it was for you finding out. "You're lying!" You screamed at the top of your lungs. "You're lying!" You pushed his him. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" you hit his chest, punctuating your hurtful words each time your hand came in contact with his body. Tears brimmed in his eyes as he let you weakly pound his chest. Eventually, he grabbed your wrist and stopped you pulling you into a hug instead. "You're lying," you choked out through sobs as you let him engulf you in a hug. This time, you hugged him back in your weak and vulnerable state.

You couldn't believe everything was a lie right from the beginning. You don't blame heeseung for not telling you sooner. You blame yourself for being so stupid and naive to believe such ridiculous lies. You hated yourself for having blind faith in your husband, and you hated your heart for loving him so foolishly that even when things seemed different, you just brushed it off.

Heeseung rubbed your back soothingly to comfort you. "Remember all the times I came down for dinner when he was gone? I did it so you wouldn't feel alone. Remember all those times I came back early? I did it so you wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. Remember all those times when I was here for you, and he wasn't?" You could feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest while he poured his feelings out to you. "If I was in his place, I'd never come home late. If I was in his place, I'd never look at another girl, and if I was in his place, I'd treat you right" he held onto you tighter, giving his words more significance.

He leaned back to look you in the eyes, trailing his hands over your hip bones. "If I was in his place, I'd never make you cry" he scanned your face, and his heart broke for you. You looked lifeless and completely broken as he wiped away your stray tears. It was like he was looking in a mirror at his fourteen-year-old self when his mother told him the same news, except when he found out he had no one to confide in cause his mom practically abandoned him for alcohol and left him in the hands of his abusive father, but he wasn’t going to let you go through the same thing that he did he was going to be that person that was there for you when no one else was he was going to be that person his mother couldn't be for him.

Heeseung thought it was now or never and closed the gap between you two before he could think twice. Besides, no matter the outcome of his actions, he'd be gone tomorrow, but he was here today, he was in this moment, and he was going to make every second of it count.

You responded to the kiss, and in your weakened state, all you wanted was his comfort. It was something you needed more than anything in the world, especially right now.

It felt so right.

No matter how hard you tried to be his mother, you never quite made the cut, and deep down, you knew it was because you never really saw him as your son. You were just too wrapped up in trying to be the perfect wife for your husband that you lost sight of everything, and right now, after everything heeseung had told you, kissing him didn't feel wrong cause you didn't feel like you were kissing your stepson no, you felt like you were kissing a man that loved you and a man that actually cared for you and your well being.

He hummed into the kiss pulling you closer by your waist as he kissed you passionately, slowly, lovingly this was the first time you had ever felt this way from a kiss. You never felt the butterflies in your stomach that you were feeling right now when you kissed anyone else. With heeseung, you could actually feel the love he had for you.

He leaned back and fluttered his eyes open, slowly placing one last loving peck on your lips.

He's been waiting for the moment for far too long. It was definitely worth the wait. He'd live his hellish life all over again just for it to lead to this very moment with just you and him and no other distractions in between.

Your lips were just as soft as he imagined, your kiss was just as electrifying as he daydreamed, and your embrace was everything he ever prayed for. "Come with me," he says out of nowhere. "Get a divorce and leave him live with me. I promise I can take care of you, trust me" he rested his forehead against yours. Everything was happening so fast, and you could barely breathe, but one thing you knew for sure was right now, heeseung had told you the truth you had been searching for, and his embrace made you feel safe. He proved you could trust him, but you don't know if you were ready to move on so quickly you didn't want your emotions getting in the way of making such a big decision, and heeseung seemed to have read your mind.

"We can take this as slow as you want" he gripped your shoulders, leaning down a bit to hold eye contact with you. "Look at me, okay? All I'm asking is for you to come with me, if, a month down the road, you decide you don't want to try with me. I’ll completely understand, but right now, I just can't stand to see you hurt. I can't let that happen to someone I love not again," he meant every word wholeheartedly. He couldn't be there for his mother, but he could be there for you.

You nibbled on your lip in thought you had no money outside of your husband's income, and you couldn't afford to move right now. "Heeseung, I can't." You whisper.

"Why?" He breathed out and placed his hands on your cheeks. “Hmm?”

"I can't afford to move, and I can't go back to my parent's house," you told him your concerns for the first time in months. You felt comfortable speaking your mind out in the open.

"You know how I always go out at night?" You nodded your head as he stroked your cheek softly with his thumb. "I hate for you to find out like this, but I was doing illegal things to make money, and let's just say I could buy you a house twice this size. We could fly to your parent's house and be there in the morning. Whatever you want, I can give to you." He looked at you intensely to prove to you that he was dead serious.

You could feel a headache coming on. This was all too much for you to handle alone, but Heeseung wasn't going to let you handle this alone, not this time. "I couldn't ask that of you."

"I want to give you a life that you deserve, let me" the look in his eyes was indescribable, but if you had to put it in words, it was love mixed with hate, sadness mixed with anger, but behind everything, it was hopeful and sincere. "Let me be the man in your life that my father couldn't be" you didn't need to hear anything more you gave him a quick kiss sealing off his promise and wrapping your arms around him tightly.

"Thank you," you mumbled into the crook of his neck wetting his shirt with your warm tears, but he didn't mind one bit as he reciprocated the hug.

"Anything for you. I got you" he disconnected from the hug and smiled, wiping your tears. "Let's get you all packed, yeah?" He wasn't trying to pressure you, but the sooner you both could leave, the better.

"Wait" you put your hand on his chest, stopping him from going anywhere.

"What's wrong?" He asked softly and rubbed the back of your palm with his thumb.

"I'm scared," you muttered.

"It's okay. I’m here now, and I won’t ever let him hurt you again" he led you upstairs, and you grabbed only your necessities. You didn't want anything that reminded you of your soon to be ex-husband.

Heeseung gave you a reassuring smile to ease your worries as you dropped your bags off at the door.

You both sat in the living room, waiting for him to come home. "It's okay," heeseung whispered and grabbed your hand. "I'll be here every step of the way. You have nothing to worry about" he kissed your hand but quickly distanced himself from you when he heard the front door crack open.

"Hey, isn't this a surprise you guys are actually getting along for once," he said, and it was now clear as day how condescending his tone was, and it only occurred to you now that that's how he always talked to you when it came to you trying to get close with heeseung you can't believe you didn't notice it sooner.

You can't believe he didn't even mention the date you two were supposed to go on. Then again, if heeseung never showed you what your husband was up to, you probably would have summed it up to him just being tired from “work” like you always foolishly had.

"Can we talk?" You ignored his slight jab and walked over to the kitchen heeseung parted his mouth to say something, but you smiled at him, letting him know you were okay.

"Sure" he took off his shoes and followed you to the kitchen smirking at heeseung while doing so.

"Look, I don't want your explanation. All I want is a divorce" you slid the diamond band off your finger and set it on the counter.

"What?" Your ex-husband chuckled incredulously.

"I know exactly what you've been doing behind my back, and I don't want to be with a person like you. I can't live the rest of my life with a liar," your whole body shook with nerves and fear.

"What are you talking about? I haven't been doing anythi-"

"Don't! Just stop!" you yelled at him for the first time ever. "Save it for someone else" you tried to walk past him, but he grabbed you by your wrist heeseung was watching the whole time from the living room, and as soon as his father laid a finger on you, he was quick to stand up and make his way over to you.

"Don't you dare touch her again" you looked up and saw that heeseung had gotten in between you and was shielding you from his dad.

"Oh, so he speaks," his dad chuckled. "Stay out of this boy. It has nothing to do with you" he pointed his finger in heeseung's face.

"It has everything to do with me," heeseung gritted through his teeth. "You heard her what she said. Now leave her alone."

"Watch your tone with me, boy" he balled his fists and got ready to throw a punch at heeseung, and you screamed in fear, but luckily heeseung was quick enough to dodge out of the way.

"Stay back," heeseung said to you before turning back to his father. "Do not make me do this" he stood up to his father, looking down on him from the height difference heeseung had definitely outgrown his father. He was no longer the helpless teen boy that couldn’t defend himself all those years ago. He had grown into a man that was able to stand up for himself and protect the people he loves.

His father didn't listen, and this time, it was heeseung who was raising his fist and landing a powerful punch to his dad's jaw, knocking him straight to the ground.

Heeseung immediately jumped on top of him, pinning him to the ground while beating his face to a pulp with every punch. He could hear his mother's cries, and with every punch, he saw your sad face, and he went into a fit of complete rage, landing every blow, each hit more powerful, Than the last, as he screamed. "No more!" Over and over again. “I’m not letting you hurt me or the people I love anymore!”

You stood there in shock, whimpering with your hands covering your mouth as tears ran down your face. "Heeseung, that's enough" you went closer to him, and he pushed you back slightly and continued to punch his father's face in, pretty soon. It would be unrecognizable. "Heeseung, please stop" when he heard your broken voice, he immediately snapped out of it and turned around to see you crying. He quickly let go of his father's collar and stood up, wrapping you in his arms protectively.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. You could feel him shaking with pure rage, and it scared you, but you knew he'd never do anything to hurt you. "I'm sorry, love.” He spoke gently and stroked your head. “I just don't want him to hurt anyone anymore." He took a deep breath to calm himself.

"It's all okay now," you comforted him and rubbed his back gently.

He sighed and rested his chin on the crown of your head. "It's okay," he reiterated, swaying your body back and forth in his hold" "ready to go home?"

"But your hand" you held his bloody hands, examining the broken skin on his knuckles, and he winced slightly.

"I'm okay for now. Let's just get out of here" he kissed your forehead softly.

You looked at the floor where the man you once called your husband was laid out unconscious, and as you looked at his bloody tattered face, you felt no remorse, not after he tried to not only hurt you but heeseung as well after you found out everything about him you couldn’t feel one ounce of sadness for him.

Heeseung followed your line of vision, and he felt nothing but resentment toward the man he once called his father. "He can take care of himself" heeseung spat on his unmoving body and hooked his arm around your shoulder, and headed to the door. "Are you okay? He didn't hurt you, did he?" Heeseung said with worry.

"No," you whispered and shook your head softly while clutching onto his arm.

“Good” he whispered and kissed your cheek, a faint smile graced heeseung's features, and his eyes lit up as a warm feeling spread throughout his chest. He couldn't put into words how happy he was that you felt comfortable and safe with him.

You grabbed your suitcases and walked out the door hand in hand with heeseung. Once the car was fully loaded with your belongings, he opened the door and helped you inside, buckling your seatbelt and placing one last loving kiss on your temple as you smiled softly at him.

After he got in the driver seat and buckled himself in, he held your hand in his, rubbing soothing circles on your palm, and you're not sure what the future held for you and heeseung, but for right now, you were going to go wherever he takes you.

Cause, after all, it was heeseung that helped you break your unholy ties.

FIN.

Thank you so much for reading. I appreciate each and every one of you who made it to the end.

[aplaceforyourhearttorest]

Play Me 🖭 James Hetfield (18+)

"Just because I'm not there right now doesn't mean we can't have fun, baby." Your boyfriend's voice rasps out against the shell of your ear, his used voice coming out hoarse. Raising an eyebrow, you wrap your index finger around the phone's cord, wishing it was a strand of his blonde hair instead.

"And what do you have in mind, phone sex? Because the last time we tried, Lars walked in while you had a hand down your pants."

James laughs loudly at the memory, causing you to grin in response, your fingertips lightly grazing the hem of his shirt you were wearing. "I'd like to never have that happen again, actually," He muses out before pausing. "I have something better in mind. I won't touch myself, but you will. And I left behind a gift for you."

Lifting the receiver off of the bed, you began to stand up and look around the room. "Babe, there's nothing new here." Crouching down to look in the bottom shelves, you purse your lips as you hear him let out an amused hum.

"It isn't really new, I just added something to it," Before you could ask why he was being so cryptic, he spoke up again. "What did we get in trouble for on our first date?"

"For listening to rock music on my dad's.." Trailing off, you began to huff out a light peal of laughter before going over to the desk near the dresser. "Walkman." Reaching over to pick up the shoebox you two kept full of memorabilia, you quickly took off the cover in anticipation.

"If this is your way of finally hearing me orgasm while listening to Van Halen, you really went out of your way." You say in a teasing tone as your hand encircles around the cassette player. Removing the headset from the Walkman, you blink in confusion as you take in the appearance of the tape inside.

"Is this a homemade tape?" Pressing the play button without waiting for his response, you freeze mid-step as a moan rings out around your guys' quiet apartment bedroom.

"Don't run from me baby, take it." Flushing from the grunts that bellow out of the small machine in your hand, you hastily press pause.

"James," You whine out, your thighs pressing together as you feel your clit begin to pulsate. Shakily making your way back to the bed, you sit on the edge as you spread your legs wide open.

"Lie back and take your underwear off for me," James says over the phone, causing you to jolt and almost drop it. "Keep on my shirt."

Lifting your hips and following his instructions, a shiver runs through you as your pussy gets exposed to the cool air. "Yes sir." You whimper out, your free hand gripping onto the sheet beside you as you wait impatiently for his next command.

"Press play and don't stop it again." Blinking dazedly, you reach over and blindly press on the buttons until your cries are the only thing you can hear.

"I-I can't, it's too much!" You hear yourself moan out. Redness covers your cheeks and chest as you remember the positions he had you in. Missionary at first, borderline mating press as he had you by the ankles and stretched out over your head.

Doggystyle was next, his tattooed fist clutching your then tangled hair and bruising your hip with the other.

"Stick your fingers in your mouth baby, then trail them down." Spit traveled down your forearm as you wrapped your tongue around your middle and ring fingers. Closing your eyes and imagining them to be his wide girth, you hear him let out a curse as you swallow around them and gently gag.

Lips quirking up in a smile at how reactive he was at the sound, your fingers pop out of your mouth and slowly leave a trail of wet as you grasp onto your breast.

"James please, I need more."

"You'll take what I give you, like a good girl. Stay still, doll."

Tsking out loud, James breathes in deeply as a sadistic grin grows on his face. His next words have you trembling and crying out in frustration.

"Nothing's changed, baby. You still don't get to cum until I tell you to."

[littlestartemis]

This is like THE thing I'm most annoying millennial about, but I've decided I'm going to make a guide about this instead of just venting to my friends about it for the Nth time. I am not a fan of spotify. On the surface I already didn't like it, the idea of paying a monthly subscription for a media player that requires an internet connection was abjectly backwards imo. Then I actually used it recently, and I'm even more frustrated, because searching for songs doesn't give you any clear indication on if it's the Actual Song you wanted, or just some rando's remix or something. Not to mention the queue and playlist functions just not working 1/3 of the time, and... yeah.

"Man I wish this artist would release on spotify so I could listen to this song."

"Hey are you gonna put this thing on spotify? I'd really like to listen to it away from my computer/off youtube."

Allow me my one snarky comment here because I feel strongly about this and then the rest of the post will be a polite and detailed guide.

I'm gonna let you all in on a secret, you'll never believe this. There's a method, inside your computer (and phone!), where you can listen to music, any music you want... without the internet. Fuckin wild, right? (Making a break because this ended up being longer than I thought it would)

On your computer, even up to Windows 11, you have a thing called "Windows Media Player" that's just automatically on your computer. And if it's not, for whatever reason, lemme make things even easier for you with a link to install it.

You open it up, and you're greeted with this. (yours obviously won't be filled with FFXIV clips and songs by default, just work with me)

Now, I think everything here is perfectly self explanatory, but I've heard as time's worn on that the younger generations are becoming increasingly poorly taught when it comes to navigating computer programs.

Home is just the first thing you get when you open it. Shows all your recently viewed media on your computer

Music Library is your entire collection of songs in your music folder (we'll get there)

Video Library is the same thing but for video files

Play queue is what you have queued up to play in a list Right Now

Playlists is... the list of playlists you've made

So! Good first step, we have a media player. This thing doesn't need an internet connection, it can make playlists, it can shuffle, it's got it all. But like, how do you actually get songs on it, right? Well, we've got a few methods.

If you're a fan of contemporary/pop music, you've got the easiest time of things. If you're already someone who's ok with paying spotify once a month for their service (which is just a media player with always on internet), you shouldn't have a problem with giving that money directly to the artists you already like the work of instead. Not to mention, on streaming services music can be added and removed at the whim of... really any number of people. Whereas if you get yourself the mp3 file, you own that shit forever.

Most every artist offers a way to buy their music from them directly in album form. For shows, movies, and video games, that can be a little more up in the air, but it's nothing a quick google search of "[media name] original soundtrack download" can't direct you to. My first port of call would be to recommend this site here. Despite the name, it carries an absolutely stupid titanic repository of music downloads, the vast majority of which being for things that either no longer have legal means of purchase, or never had one to begin with. You'll have to download them one at a time if you don't/can't make an account and donate to them, but... that's literally just a time investment. Lil bit of elbow grease.

Now, let's say you're willing to put in that elbow grease, but what you wanted isn't here. Well, you've got an ancient, tried and true method to follow suit on next; youtube conversion. It couldn't be simpler. Copy/paste the url (the funny string of letters numbers and characters in the bar at the top of your browser window) into the thing that says "please paste youtube url here", and press the convert button. You've even got options to change the quality (if you need a smaller file size) and trim a length of time off the beginning or end of it! Again, you'll need to do this one at a time, and via this method you won't get premade names (beyond whatever the yt video's name was) or special album art or whatever. But if all you're after is listening to your music of choice without fucking spotify, that shouldn't be a problem.

And I'm not done yet! Circling back to my earlier comment about "some kids just don't know how to work their computers", some of you may genuinely be asking "what am I supposed to do with these mp3 files after they're on my computer?" We'll start with "where even are they" to begin with. You have something baked into your computer called a "file explorer". I keep mine pinned to my taskbar, but you aughta be able to find it and open it up by searching that name in your start menu

This is what the left side of that File Explorer window aughta look like, more or less. You only need to worry about two of these things here for our purposes; Downloads, with the arrow pointing down at the line, and Music, with the music note in the green circle. By default, anything you download, be it from a converter, more illicit sources, or 100% legal "I bought this from the band's website", is going to go into your Downloads first. (side note, if your computer ever tells you you're running out of space and you're like "what the fuck how??", check your downloads, might need to clear that shit out into the recycle bin) You're gonna move those files from Downloads to Music (I only recently learned that file explorer supports additional tabs now, like browsers! That rules). The simplest method of moving them over though would be to click once on the file, then right click, you'll see a row of pictures at the top of the right click menu, you want the scissors (this is called Cutting). Once you click those scissors, you head over to your Music tab, and in the empty white space, you right click, and at the bottom of the menu you'll see a clipboard with a piece of paper, (that's Paste) click that, and it'll remove that file from Downloads, and move it over to Music.

Your media player program is automatically designed to detect mp3 files inside that Music folder. So, from here, you just need to work the media player!

Open up that Music Library tab in your Media Player, and everything will automatically be grouped Alphabetically, you can change that with "Sort by:" in the top right. Know what else? If you do buy an album (or download one otherwise), it'll recognize that on its own too! You can sift through your collection by Albums at the very top there! So you just wanna listen to an album, you can pop over there, click an album, and...

Play all, right at the top, the red button.

You wanna make a playlist? Right click any song, and in the right click menu you'll see "Add to+", check that, and you'll be prompted to just add it to the now paying queue of songs, or to make a new playlist. Do that, you name it what you want, and now you can just right click-> add any songs you want to that playlist.

Now when it comes to phones, I know most people have iphones, and in that realm... yeah I can't help you sorry. But if you're not, we're in another "this should be on your phone already, and if it's not you can install it". Samsung Music. Open that bad boy up, and

Damn doesn't this look familiar. On my Samsung phone at least, nearly EVERYTHING I just laid out applies to making this all happen just on your phone with no computer. But, if you only download on the computer, and still want this shit on your phone, there's a VERY easy method there too!

Get a USB-C cord, hook up your phone to your computer, and you remember the method I told you for moving those files over from Downloads to Music? Works the exact same for moving things from your computer to your phone. Hell, your phone even has a Music folder of its own! Works the same.

This has been my very long and hopefully helpful PSA about listening to music via methods that don't involve God Damn Spotify. Go enjoy yourselves. Don't pay for shit you don't need to pay for.

[ivyyisbored22]

𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐇𝐢𝐬 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭— 𝐁𝐚𝐧𝐠 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐅𝐅

Note: Check Description and other chapters first to understand the story ^^♡

Chapter 6

Bang Chan

There were days when I actually wanted to sit down and get to know Aria and days when I just wanted to shut that little mouth of hers. This whole thing was a complete bad idea and I regret it.

My hand was holding a glass of whiskey, swirling it around, the other hand rubbing off the throbbing headache forming in the front of my head. One day I'm gonna get my brain fall out of my skull at the way my head hurts because of a certain brunette.

I called the guys over to my place to watch the new game, we were all in the living room, but neither of us were focused on the match going on the TV.

"Where's your pretty wife?" Hyunjin asked as he popped an olive into his mouth from the charcuterie board Deliah prepared for us. The sound of the word "wife" sent another sharp pain to the back of my head.

"He's trying to get through the glories of marriage Hyunjin. Let him be" Bin said slapping my shoulder as he poured himself a glass of whiskey. "Although where is she? Is she okay with you having us here?"

I turned to him with a what the fuck look spread across my face. "Why wouldn't she be? It's my house" I said, trying to keep my voice low and cool.

"Dude" Han looked at me with that same face I looked at Bin with, an eyebrow arched and shook his head pulling out his phone. "You really don't get it, do you?"

"Get what?" I asked, swirling the whiskey in my glass again, the liquid catching the light and glinting warmly. The throbbing in my head seemed to intensify with each passing second.

"That marriage isn't just about contracts and houses," Felix chimed in from across, his blue hair outshining the room and his Australian accent making the words sound almost musical. "It's about partnership. Even if this whole thing is a sham, you should at least pretend to respect her."

"Respect is a two-way street," I muttered, more to myself than to anyone else. I downed the rest of my whiskey and set the glass on the table with a heavy thud.

"You're sounding like a cliché," Seungmin said, his eyes never leaving the TV screen, but I could tell he was listening intently. "The brooding husband who doesn't know how to communicate." His comment earned laughter from almost everyone except me.

"Funny, Seungmin" I sighed, rubbing my temples. "You guys don't understand. This whole situation is fucking messed up. We were almost forced into this. It's not like I wanted any of this."

Bin leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Maybe not, but you're in it now. And if you want to make it through the next 300 whatever days without losing your fucking mind, maybe try talking to her. Really talking."

"Yeah," I.N added, looking up from the game. "Just because you didn't choose this doesn't mean you can't make the best of it. You're stuck together for a year, might as well not make it a living hell for both of you."

I frowned, swirling the whiskey glass again even though it was empty. "It's not that simple. She's... difficult."

"Sounds like she's a reflection of you," Lee Know said, a smirk playing on his lips. "Ever thought about that? Maybe you two are more alike than you care to admit."

I glared at him, but his words hit like a punch to my gut. Maybe we were more alike. Both trapped in a situation neither of us wanted, both struggling to find a way to cope. The thought made my headache worse.

"Look," Han said, putting his phone down and finally turning to face me. "We're your friends, and we're here for you. But you need to figure this out. You can't just drink and avoid it."

"I know," I admitted, feeling a weight settle in my chest. "I just... I don't know where to start."

"Start by being honest," Hyunjin suggested, popping another olive into his mouth. "With yourself and with her."

"Yeah," Felix nodded. "And maybe lay off the whiskey a bit. It won't solve anything."

"Yeah you really should cut the whiskey. You'll probably make the company a trillionare, seeing the rate you've been drinking ever since you returned from Europe" Bin added, his tone half-joking but his eyes serious.

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "It's not like I have many other ways to deal with this crap."

"Dealing with it and avoiding it are two different things Chan." Han pointed out snapping his fingers, his gaze steady on me. You know he's being serious when he calls me Chan instead of Chris.

"Drinking yourself into a stupor isn't going to make any of this go away."

"Agreed," Hyunjin said. "Maybe try talking to her sober. You might be surprised."

"At this point all of you are calling me a drunkard"

"We are" all 7 of them said at sync, looking at me at the same time, my eyes widening at their unified response.

Lee Know leaned back, his expression thoughtful. "Why don't you try to find something you can both agree on. A hobby, a project or something to focus on together. It might help bridge the gap."

"Sounds like a lot of effort," I muttered, though their words were starting to sink in.

"Anything worth having usually is," I.N said simply.

"You just have to decide if it's worth it to you." Since when did the baby of our group become a love expert?

"Okay. Okay fine! I'll deal with this hell" I put my hands up in surrender, "But do not expect any miracles or whatever" I said pointing at them.

"Nobody's expecting miracles Chris" Felix said with a grin. "Just a little less whiskey and more effort."

"And when you need to get your shit together without having to drown yourself with alcohol, you've got us" Seungmin added, his eyes focused on the TV, I couldn't help but chuckle at that.

"But just so you know, I'm still not giving up whiskey completely."

"Just cut back," Bin said with a grin. "Baby steps, man. Baby steps."

As we settled in finally paying attention to the game, my attention was distracted by the sound of footsteps descending. I turned to the stairs, and there was Aria, coming down gracefully, her hair up in messy bun and wearing sweats.

Her expression a mix of curiosity and hesitation, she paused at the bottom of the stairs, clearly surprised to see the living room full of my friends. Her eyes met mine, for some reason my breathing increased, suddenly I felt something clench my chest.

Hyunjin caught my gaze and smirked knowingly. "Hello there," he got off the couch and walked towards her, realization hitting me that I never really introduced them to her properly.

Her gaze caught Hyunjin's, she smiled warmly at him, he offered his hand to her, "Hi, I'm Hyunjin" he returned her smile, shaking her hand. Somehow that small gesture of her hand touching his made a feeling I never felt before crawl over me.

"Hi, I'm Aria," she replied, her voice soft yet confident. "Guys, we have new company" Hyunjin gestured her towards us, nodding his head at her to which she replied nodding back smiling, that piercing feeling sinking again in my chest.

What is this annoying sting?!

Before I made a fool of myself infront of my friends and my wife, I got off the couch and walked to her, she paused when I got in front of her. I moved to her side, placing my hand on the small of her back. She shivered slightly, only visible to my eyes, Hyunjin smirked mischievously at me before he went and sat on the couch, I walked with Aria towards my friends.

"You guys, uh" I rubbed the back of my neck. I was behaving like a fucking high schooler introducing his new girlfriend to his friends, it was embarrassing.

"This is my wife Aria" She looked up at me as I said that, I caught her gaze on me from the corner of my eye.

"Aria," I smiled at her, trying to hide the embarrassment behind my face, feeling the teasing chuckles of the guys, "These are my friends" I introduced her to all of them one by one.

"It's nice to meet you" She smiled, genuinely pleased and enjoying the company.

"Would you like to join the madness? We really could use some luck. We're losing pretty bad" Felix said, his strong Australian accent making Aria smile wider.

"I'd love to," she replied, her voice light and friendly.

I guided her to an empty spot on the couch next to me, feeling a mix of relief and anxiety. As she settled in, I could feel the guys' eyes on us, their curiosity palpable. Han and Lee Know looked at eachother smiling to themselves, I flashed a glare at them which made them burst out laughing.

As we all settled down again to pay attention to the game, more groans and about 40 minutes later, we screamed out loud as the player kicked the ball into the goal smoothly.

"LET'S GOOOOO!!!" The living room erupted into a chorus of cheers and high-fives. The energy was infectious, and for a moment, all my anxieties melted away in the shared excitement. Even Aria was caught up in the moment, her eyes shining with delight as she joined in the celebration, clapping her hands and covering her mouth as she laughed.

Han and Lee Know, still chuckling from my earlier glare, were the loudest among us, their voices carrying over the rest. They exchanged a quick fist bump, their camaraderie evident. I couldn't help but smile at the scene unfolding around me.

"That was insane!" Felix said, smiling infectiously. "Aria, you really did bring us the luck" He said to her, her cheeks flushed pink so easily at the simplest compliment.

"I really didn't," she chuckled, "It was definitely a coincidence" She covered her mouth again as she laughed, that gesture pulled an unusal curiosity from me.

As the game continued, the tension ebbed and flowed, punctuated by moments of collective joy or frustration. We leaned forward in unison, held our breath together, and let out synchronized sighs of relief. During a particularly intense moment, I felt her hand brush against mine.

It was a small, fleeting touch, but it sent a jolt of electricity through me. I glanced over at her, and she met my eyes with a shy smile before quickly looking back at the screen.

"Focus on the game hubby" Bin teased from across the room, having noticed the exchange. I rolled my eyes, I tried my hardest to surpress the smile that tugged at my lips.

"Shut up Bin," I shot back, earning another round of laughter from the group, including a soft smile from her.

After the game ended, the guys engaged in conversations with Aria, especially Felix and Hyunjin. I watched her, leaning back on the couch on the other side, with a new glass of whiskey.

The way her hands come up to her mouth when she laughd, how her lips move with every word and how her eyes sparkle when she is talking about something that has her full interest, somehow, all of that fascinated me.

Felix, ever the charmer, had her laughing in no time. His quick wit and easygoing nature made him an instant favorite. Hyunjin, on the other hand, was more intense, asking her thoughtful questions and listening intently to her responses. She seemed to thrive in their company, her confidence growing with every passing minute.

I took a sip of my drink, savoring the warmth that spread through me. It wasn't just the whiskey; it was the sight of her fitting in so seamlessly with my friends. A part of me had worried that she might feel out of place, but those fears were quickly dispelled. But another part of me hated how easily my friends could speak to her than I could.

I felt that same pang of stinging pain I felt before, the feeling I never felt before mixed with admiration. They made it look so easy. I watched as she engaged with them, her eyes lighting up with every new story or joke. She seemed genuinely happy, and I shook my head turning away, trying to hide the small smile forming in the corner of my lips.

But as the evening wore on, I couldn't shake the frustration. I wanted to be the one making her laugh, to see her smile, watch her eyes trap an entire galaxy, drawing out those little gestures and expressions that had become so familiar yet so elusive to me in this setting.

"Bro?" Seungmin's voice broke through my thoughts. He sat down beside me, a knowing smile on his face, "You good?"

"Yeah," I replied, though the uncertainty in my voice betrayed me. "Just... watching."

"She fits in well," he observed, following my gaze. "Hmm" I hummed as I continued to watch her.

And for a brief moment her eyes caught mine, in that instant, everything around me faded, the only person remaining was her. She played a soft smile before breaking the contact and turning to Han. She spoke to everyone equally, everyone except me, that god damn sting just kept rising and falling in my chest.

I took another sip from my glass, trying to focus on the warmth it provided, but it was a poor distraction. The more I watched her, the more the sting of being left out by my own friends and wife gnawed at me. The guys could draw her into conversation so effortlessly, while I was left on the sidelines, battling my own hesitation.

"You'll feel easier to talk to her once we leave" Seungmin said as he tapped my shoulder and grabbed his keys from the coffee table.

"Well Aria, it was amazing meeting you but I have work to catch up with, so I'll see you soon" He said, looking at her and also giving a sign to the guys that it was time for me to be alone with her.

I swear to God I feel set up in my own marriage by own friends.

One by one, the guys started making their excuses, gathering their things, and heading out. Felix gave me a thumbs-up, and Hyunjin offered a supportive smile. Han and Lee Know were the last to leave, each patting me on the back.

I made plans to catch up with Bin and I.N at the gym during the weekend and soon, it was just me and Aria alone in my living room.

Sooner or later we have to have a proper conversation and it seemed like it's happening sooner than I wanted.

------------------------

Thank you for reading!

xx,Ivyy

Next Chapter

[hanadulsetaad]

RICH KIDS OF SK ( HYUNJIN X READER (Y/N) X BANG CHAN)

THE HWANG ART GALA

chapter 1 CHAPTER 2 CHAPTER 3 CHAPTER 4 CHAPTER 5 CHAPTER 6 CHAPTER 7.1 CHAPTER 7.2 CHAPTER 8 CHAPTER 9 CHAPTER 10

CHAPTER 11

TAGS: LOVE TRIANGLE, ANGST, BREAKUP, BETRAYAL

As Y/N dashed through the corridors of the college building, her heart pounding in her chest, she couldn't help but curse the chaotic night that had led to this mad rush. Wooyoung, I.N, and she had indulged in a bit too much alcohol and ended up bleaching their hair and wreaking havoc on Wooyoung's belongings. It took Felix's midnight rescue mission to restore some semblance of order, and by the time they settled down, the sun was already peering through the windows. After that they thought it will be fun to make tanghulu and make mukbang videos, and it was 8am by the time they were done.

So there she was, sprinting to class, desperately hoping to avoid any awkward encounters with Yeji and Hyunjin As she glanced back, she caught sight of another latecomer, a guy with curly hair and boba eyes, looking equally harried but undeniably attractive in his all-black ensemble.

Their eyes met, and without a word, he fell into step beside her. "Room 203?" he asked, his voice slightly breathless.

"Yeah," Y/N confirmed, relieved to have some company in her tardiness. "Let's stick together and minimize the scolding."

"By the way, I'm Bang Chan," he offered with a charming smile.

"Hey, I'm Seo Y/N," she replied, returning the smile as they found seats at the back of the room, accompanied by Bang Chan's friend Seungmin.

As they settled in, Y/N couldn't shake the feeling of Hyunjin's curious gaze from the middle row. What was that weird look about? She pondered, silently hoping that their morning wouldn't get any more eventful than it already had been. but a notification poped on her phone.

Teacher: "I think everyone understood what I am saying."

Y/N looked up as Seungmin cleared his throat, "Since you were not listening, you, me, and Bang Chan are partners for the first internal."

Y/N replied, "Oh, sorry, I had an emergency. Can you please give me a gist?"

Seungmin rolled his eyes, "We have to work together throughout the semester, basically work on a fake company and pitch ideas and all. You will get a mail today."

Seungmin added, "By the way, my name is Kim Seungmin."

Y/N replied, "My name is Seo Y/N."

Seungmin asked, "Are you Changbin's sister?"

Y/N confirmed, "Oh, yes."

Bang Chan chimed in, "You're Bin's sister?"

Seungmin teased, "Well, she has the same surname and dumb look on her face."

Y/N smiled, realizing what Seungmin implied, "Hey, I don't look dumb like Bin. But how do you guys know him?"

Bang Chan explained, "Oh, I met him through night music school."

Y/N puzzled, "Music school?"

Before she could ask anything, Hyunjin cleared his throat, and all three of them looked at him. He was with Yeji, holding hands.

Hyunjin semi-hugged Y/N, "I saved you a seat, you know. Now we both won't be on the same project, very good."

Y/N thought, "How can he be so normal?"

Y/N replied, "Haha, it's fine."

Hyunjin gave Bang Chan and Seungmin a look and asked Y/N in a hushed tone, "Are you fine with doing your project with them? I mean, it has 70 percent of your grade."

Seungmin jumped in, "You know we can hear you, Prince?" (He called him prince in a mocking way)

Y/N retorted, "Hey, Hyunjin, don't be rude. Besides, yes, they are Changbin's friends."

Hyunjin brushed it off, "Whatever," after giving Seungmin one last dirty look and continued, "Can't wait for today's after-party. It's been like so long since we last talked. Also, I need to talk to you. Do you want to ride with me and Yeji?"

Y/N immediately replied, "Oh, no, I am gonna stay back and talk with them about the project."

Hyunjin said, "Okay, see you later," and Yeji smiled at Y/N.

Y/N banged her head on the desk after Hyunjin left. Seungmin quipped, "If I was you, I would have the same reaction."

Y/N gave him a confused look, and Seungmin added, "I use Twitter too."

Y/N hid her face, groaning, "Ugh, this is so embarrassing. I want to die."

Bang Chan looked confused, "How do you know what is happening to her?"

Seungmin smirked, "I keep up with gossip sites."

Seungmin suggested, "Since we are working together, let's exchange our numbers." Later, all three of them exchanged numbers and had a decent conversation. Y/N found Seungmin extremely funny, especially when he was teasing Bang Chan about being old.

As they were laughing, Bang Chan removed his mask to take a sip of coffee, and Y/N swear the whole world stopped. He had dimples and very cute boba eyes, his eyes were so pretty you could see the innocence in them. He had perfect hair paired with perfect curly hair.

Seungmin joked, "Hey, earth to Y/N!" snapping her back to reality. Bang Chan looked at her in a concerning way, "Are you okay? You zoned out."

Y/N stuttered, "Oh yeah, by the way, what is the time?"

Seungmin checked his watch, "4:30."

Y/N exclaimed, "Shit, I am getting late! Guys, it was so nice talking to you. See you later!" and ran.

Bang Chan and Seungmin looked at each other, and Bang Chan asked, "So what happened to her?"

[melkintoyou]

pleas write more stoner mark... im begging on my knees 🙏🙏

Mmm imagine Mark on tour and he calls you late at night, voice all groggy, audibility baked and needy. PART TWO

"YOU LOOK LIKE A FOOL TO MEEEEEE,

TELL MEEE,

WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND MAKE THINGS SO COMPLICATED?"

You and Mark yell out in unison, singing Avril Lavigne through the phone. After a long, cold day at work, this is exactly what you needed.

It has been exactly two months since, your best friend kissed you and left for this tour. Nobody could've prepared you both, for this impulsive act of breaking down the bridge between friendship and love. You both agreed that, time apart would allow you to think about the next step... Except, you both couldn't go a second without talking to one another. You shared selfies and photos throughout the day, and ended nights with a facetime call. Even if it was 2 minutes, just to say good night. Mark made sure to hear your voice before he slept. Tonight was no different.

You had been on the phone for 20 minutes now. Your rooms dimly lit by led lights, both blue because you share a favourite colour. The coziness of your fluffy bedding and Mark's voice had every atom in your body relaxed. "And I met so many new people! It's crazy to see so many people fuck with the music over here" he rambled on about his experiences on tour. He talked about the feeling of being on stage and how comfortable he feels, like he can let go of everything. He describes it feeling as though the whole world disappears and the only thing matters is the stage and audience. Mark was born to do this. "I'm telling you dude, it's has all played out so cosmically. It feels like fate but also so unreal..." You listened intently by adding validating hums in between his sentences. Suddenly, you noticed the volume of his voice slowly fade into a silence, as he looked at you and smiled.

"But... man.. dude, I miss you" he pouted his lips, half smiling and looked away. "I mean.. It's whatever, just wish you were here you know"

"It all means nothing, if I can't share it with you" he said, coyly.

"AWWWWWW someone's obsessed with me" you teased him, making his face flush with a warm, red colour.

"Shut up, you're stupid y/n" he laughed, before clearing his throat.

"Also! Look what I got" he rummaged through his bag to pull out what seemed to be a small glass bottle, with a pipette dropper. "It's straight thc oil babe..It's so strong dude, so good." He went on, as he dropped some under his tongue.

"Yoo that sounds so good, I want to try!" You sat up, grabbing a bottle of water and taking a sip. Maintaining eyes on Mark, you refused to miss every moment of him gradually getting high. He looked so cute.

"Yeah for sure, I'll bring it with me when I come back. You're gonna love it.. It gives you such a body high" He said, now with his voice a bit deeper and eyes, a little lower. He let out a soft giggle. "Like, I feel so sensitive right now dude, this bed feels amazing..." He ran his hands up and down his torso. Eyes zoomed into you, with lips curling into a smirk. "We're gonna take this when I see you next..." "Yeah I'm down 100%" You say in between sips.

"Then I'm gonna touch you." He dead panned, as his eyes fixed on you, making you choke on the water and widen your eyes.

"Uh.." You lose all coherent thoughts as your heart starts beating in your ears and you felt your body slowly get hot. Mark chuckled, watching you get flustered over his comment.

"I'm just being honest.. I think about it a lot.. you know touching you" his voice was lower and raspier. Shifting his bed, he put his phone on his night stand and turned on his side. Propping himself up on his left arm. He ran his right hand through his hair. "All the pretty noises, you'd make." He continued, "Under me, on top of me.. You would be so sensitive to my touch, my fingers... my tongue. I want to kiss you everywhere y/n.. Can I do that? When I see you?" His eyes now sincere and big, yet filled with lust. It made you nervous.

"Urm.. yeah, I'd like that" you whispered, feeling his words go straight to your core. You slowly rubbed your thighs together, for some sort of relief, to your now steadily, growing dampened spot between your legs. You bit onto your lower lip. "Mark..."

"Yeah baby?" He licked his lips, moving closer to the camera.

"I miss you" you whine, almost needy at the use of a pet name.

"And I miss you."

You hummed, smiling at him. Head spinning with desire.

"Wanna make you cum when I see you next." He looked down at his bulge, now growing underneath the covers. "I can't wait to see you.. feel you around me" Mark palmed himself through his pyjamas.

"Can you uh do something for me?" Whisper fell from his mouth, trying to hold himself together.

"Mhmmm" you bit your lip and nodded.

"Can you be a good girl and touch yourself for me?"

____________________________________________________

[yuyu1024]

Wallflower

Pairings: Mingi × y/n

Genre/tags: fluff and sweet. College au, classmates became partners for a project. He got interested first

Warning: cursing, mention of weight, fluff [lmk if i miss anything]

Words: 4.1k

Disclaimer:

- this story is just made up

- english is not my first language, please be nice 😊

Repost. I accidentally deleted my acct. 🥲

Likes and reblogs is much appreciated ♥️

My day started a bit hectic. I woke up late, didn't catch the bus on time and then had a hard time getting to my classes as school today is crowded.  The university is having a weeklong festival which does not affect the classes that much but it affects my timetable. My classes are from building A to C, then C to D then to A most of the time which means a lot of walking or running around to get in class. But having groups of people in line to something or all waiting for elevators will definitely ruin my routine.

I can't be pissed about it because it's not their fault that I got classes with this difficult schedule. All I can do is hope and pray I don't be late.

"Ugh!" I slide the door open for my last subject for the day, catching my breathe. "I'm 20minutes early.. finally!" I drag myself inside the empty room and make my way towards one of the seats near the window. "I'm so tired..." I sigh heavily.

I place my bag under the table while I take my ipad and pen over, preparing my notes for the class. But since I'm early, I might as well relax a bit. So I started playing music from my phone. It's only loud enough for me to hear. Or so I thought...

"What trash music is that?" A deep ass voice suddenly filled up the quiet room.

I pause the song and look around to see who just spoke. There he was, sitting at the seat at the back, just 4 rows from me. His head is lowered, he must've been sleeping.

"Oh! Sorry! I didn't know someone was here." I hide my phone in a hurry.

I could hear him grunt as he stretches. But I don't dare to look back again. I'm terrified.

"You didn't answered my question..."

Suddenly, I hear the chair moving. He's standing up. The thumps of his footsteps gets louder and louder as he comes closer to me.

"I asked, what trash music was that?" He then pulls the chair beside me and sits down.

I'm still not looking at him. But based on what I can see on my peripheral view, he's huge!

"Ahm... Do you mean the genre or... the band?" My eyes is glued on my table.

"Band." He then leans his arm on the table and rest his face on his palm.

"I think... their band name is....stargaze or something... they're a band from another university."

"And you like them?"

I frown at the question, confused. "Ahm... they're alright."

"Alright?"

"Yeah...?" Then I turn my eyes to look at him. A sudden shock slaps me in my face. Fuck, he's gorgeous! Sharp eyes, sharp nose, pink and plump lips. He's very charismatic! But he's hiding most of his beauty under his cap. Well, its a cool look. Makes him look hot but yeah. I wonder what he looks like without it. Where his hair is all loose.

"Ahm... I only listen to this one song... coz' my roommate introduced me to this song." I added

"I see." His eyes then studies me.

"Why?"

"Nothing..." he then looks away and lay his head on his arm. But his face is still towards my direction. "Wake me up when our professor calls my name. Okay?"

"Wait. You're in this class?"

"Of course. Why do you think I'm here?"

"But... I haven't seen you before?"

"Maybe, you weren't just looking..." then he takes a deep breathe before closing his eyes.

"W-wait!" I whisper, "what's your name?"

"Song Mingi." He mumbles, eyes closed.

So random.

Why did this guy seat beside me and asking me to do him a favor? I really don't remember him being in my class before. Odd. But weirdly enough I agreed to his request and I did it. He said he was present when the professor calls his name. People whirl their heads to him when he spoke. They all knew him [except for me]. Then he just went back to sleep like it's nothing.

Why do I don't remember him?

Maybe, I'm just that kind of a wallflower, who also doesn't give a fudge on whatever people is doing around me as long as they don't bother me. So, in the end, I don't notice him. Especially if he's like this since the semester started. Just sleeping.

A few more minutes have passed, he shifts in his sleep. He got a tiny bit closer to me. I don't mind as long as I can still write on my ipad and not wake him up. I don't want to bother him. Maybe he's sleepy because he was not feeling well or something. But then, I felt sudden chills from my legs up when his finger slightly touched my free hand while I was writing something. I am left handed so, it was my right hand that he touched.

He is uncontious. Why am I bothered by that?

"Ms. Y/n!" The professor suddenly calls out my name making me jolt a little.

"Yes?"

"Who's that guy again? The one sleeping beside you."

"Ahm... he's... Song Mingi."

"Okay. Your friend there will be your partner okay?"

"Sir..  what? Wait. Partner for what?"

"Are you not listening to me the whole time?"

I was. He was talking about the project of us choosing any stories from movies or book that we can do a report on how we understand the story on our own and portray it. Like, what woukd you do if you are the character type thingy. If we woukd agree on the leads decisions not. That sort of thing.

"I am... sorry..."

"Okay. Just let him know about it." He says then the bell rings. "Okay, class will just email you more details about the project. Okay! Class dismissed see you next week."

Oh crap. What a day!

Students are one by one getting out of the room, some are still packing their things but the guy next to me is still asleep.

"Hey..." I quietly say, "Class is over..." He's not waking up. "Hey..." I reach out to his hand and gently caress the back of my hand onto his so I will not startle him. "Mingi..." I whisper

He slowly opens his eyes and looks straight back at me. "Hi..." His voice is so raspy and deep.

My eyes widens by the sudden realization that we are eye to eye and our face is just a more than a feet apart.

"Class is over." I repeat moving away. "We are partners now..." I add as I put my things back to my bag.

He snorts a laugh. "You're so blunt. I just slept beside you and now we are partners."

"Huh?"

"Like... I mean..." he stretches his arms out and then puts one arm around me. "I don't mind... you seem nice..."

"What are you talking about? I meant partners for out project."

"Oh." He pouts. "What a bummber. But I guess... we can get to know each other then..." he winks at me and then stands up, picking up his bag. "See you around, y/n!"

"Wait!"

He halts and turns to face me.

"Here..." I'm handing him my small notebook. "You slept the whole class so... I made you notes. You can use it to our project."

He smiles and takes the notebook from my hand. "Thanks."

"Okay... he will email details later today. But just in case... if you can... just meet me in the library at 5pm. I repeat.... If you can only. I'm always there monday to friday. I'll be doing our project there..."

"Wait. You're telling me your schedule? Instead of asking or giving me your number?"

I scratch my head, "yeah... coz I don't want to bother you? I guess..."

"Why not? We are partners... right?"

"Well..."

"Is it because I look like I don't care?" He laughs

"Hmm... a little?" I look away, smiling.

"I get it." He then takes a pen out and tears a piece of paper from the notebook. "Here is my number. Text or call me. And if you get shy and can't... or I didn't respond. I'm either in the rooftop sleeping or with my bandmates. You cab pick me up at the Music club room, 6th floor."

I take the piece of paper and stare at it. "Okay."

"Okay. See you."

"Ahm," I glance up to him, he's still smiling at me. "See you."

**

I first saw him Monday, it's now wednesday and still no show. I told him my schedule right? Is he waiting for me to text or call him? Ugh this is so frustrating. I'm such an introvert. I can't even dial his number even though he said I can.

How can we finish the project? It's due next week! Ugh.

I should be brave enough to contact him. I need him. It's our grades were talking about here!

That's it! I'm calling him!

I dialed his number, once..... twice..... until I've tried calling him for like 5 times. No answer. I gave up for a few minutes but then remembered he also told me he's usual spots where he hang out.

I first went to the music club. I assumed he was there because of the time. This is the usual free time of the students and if he's a member of the music club he must've been practicing to for the festival's battle of the bands this week.

But I had no luck finding him there. I asked his friends if they know where he could he be and none of them have an idea.

"He's usually missing." One guy said

"He's always missing!" The othet one added

"We just tell him when and where to show up... we don't even know his number. We just leave him messages through his sns every now and then." One explained.

Gosh. What is he? And why does his friends and bandmates don't know his number? Is the number he gave me even his?

Last resort, the rooftop!

This is the most I've walked this whole month. God! My thick thights can't do this! I'm so glad my fit is always casual and comfy because I can't imagine myself dressing like other girls from this school, skirt and heels and climbing these amount of stairs.

"Wow!" I gasp as I push the door open.

I am catching my breath so much. This guy is making me do cardio like shit. He forgot to mention which rooftop he's in! We have like 5 buildings here!

"Are you alright?"

I look ahead and see a six foot tall man, standing in the corner across me. "Yah!"   My voice cracks calling him out. "I've been looking for you!"

"Really?" He raises his brow, a hint of smile spreads acorss his lips. "I thought you didn't need me. You never called.

"I did!" I walk over to him and show him my call history.

"Ah..." he then shifted in his position asking me to stand beside him. "Sorry. I was asleep... I just woke up."

He's wearing an all black outfit. Same vibes as last time. Hip and charistmatic. Instead of a cap, now he's wearing a beanie.

"Oh wow..." I got taken aback by the view. I've never seen the university at this point of view.

"You've never been here?" He asks. I shake my head to say No. "Why?"

"Why would I?"

"No reason... just... hang out... with friends maybe or someone?"

"Well... I don't have friends... sort of... I don't hang out with them often and I don't have... a someone." I answer as I tip toe, sight seeing.

"How come?"

"Ahm...I don't know..."

"Hmm..."

"Anyways... Should we do our project here or...?"

"Do you mind doing it here?"

I look around and see that no one is around and there are old tables and desk that we can use. "I'm cool. It's more quiet here than the library." I smile

I march towards the other side where the tables and chairs are. I pull out my things and books I borrowed from the library to use for our project.

We stayed quiet for a few hours. I am impressed at how serious he is reading and searching online. I misjudged him. Maybe if I had the courage to approached him yesterday we could've done way more.

Yawning, "I'm tired." He says, closing the book.

"Are you going to sleep again?"

He looks at me as he leans his back lazily and spreads his leg apart. "Don't worry... I won't."

I smiled and continued writing on my ipad.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." I answer without looking

"What are you doing later?"

"Hmm... go back to the library and return the books... then probably go back to my apartment..."

"Do you have a curfew?"

"Curfew?"

"Yeah... with your parents."

"No, I don't. My parent's are abroad."

"I see..." then he pulls my ipad away from me. "Can you come with me? Later?"

"What?"

"I'll be playing later... battle of the bands...1st round...can you come and watch me?"

"Ahm..."

"Please? I am your friend now right? We should be... we are classmates..."

"I... guess...?"

He takes the books and notebooks off the desk and starts to pack them all. "Let's bring these back to the library... then you can come with me."

"Already?! The battle of the band starts at 7pm... it's just 4pm."

He smirks. "Just... come with me."

What the heck is going on with me? Why am I just following him? Why am I agreeing to anything he's saying? Why? He's even carrying my bag for me. This is very unsusual of me.

"Here are the book she borrowed." He says to the lady in the reception.

I stand behind him, looking around. No one seems to care but I feel weird. He's holding my hand while he talks to the lady. He could've let go of me when we arrived right? Why is he still holding my hand.

"Ahm, sorry to bother you again." He adds, "Is the short cut at the end of the library hall accessible? They renovated it right? Can we go pass there so we can transfer straight to the next building?"

"Ah that. Sorry, it's still close. No one goes there besides the facilitators to check every now and then for the construction."

"Ah I see. So, no one... goes there?"

"As of now this week yes. No. People are busy for the festival so they stopped the construction for now."

"I see... thank you."

"You're welcome." 

He turns around, lips curved into the most cutest smile. "Are you okay?" He asks

"Ahm... yes... but..." I'm dazed now.

"Your hand..." he looks down at our hands. "Why are you nervous?"

"I don't know... should I not be nervous?"

"It depends." He starts to walk again, pulling me with him. "Did you already met my band members?"

"Yes."

"Good."

***

I am back with the music club team. Stuck with them in the waiting room which is filled with just pure male energy. Every one is so hyped and eager to perform. The vocalist are preping their voices and practicing their songs while the others are checking their instruments a few more times before their set.

While me, on the other hand sitting down in the sofa, knees together and hands on my thighs like I am getting scolded later. Fudge! I am so out of my comfort zone right now. I've only met them one time earlier and now I can hear them bicker and just blabber unecessary things that I should not be hearing. Why did Mingi brought me here? (~.~)

"Look at him! Show off!" One member yells

My eyes goes to where they're all looking. It's Mingi. And he's freaking SHIRTLESS. (O.O)

"Shut up." He says as he takes a sleeveless shirt wear to go with his ripped jeans.

"Everyone!" A professor opens the door. "You'll be next after this one band so get ready!"

"Yeah!" Everyone cheers.

"Oh." The professor suddenly sees me from afar. "Excuse me... I thought we agreed on no girlfriends or boyfriends are allowed in here?"

Wait. Me? Girlfriend?

I stand up to my defense. "Sorry... I'm not anyone's g--"

"She's with me." Mingi stand in front of me. "We had a project together. We had to finish it so we had to do some of the work here."

He partially lied.

"Ah, okay. But she needs to go. Only contestants are allowed here and their club members."

"I understand." I weakly answer. And as soon as the professor left, "I need to go now..." I mumble behind him as I hook my bag over my shoulder.

I walk pass him already when he catches me by my wrist. "You will watch right?"

I smile. "I will. I promise."

"Okay." He smiles, his thumb caressing skin

"Mingi? Smiling?" One murmurs

"Goodluck." I whisper before I go.

I shut the door close and briskly walked away from the area. My brain is about to explode. What the fudge is going on? Am I dreaming today?

"Y/n?"

I stop walking as I heard someone call my name.

"It is you!"

It's Kristy. My old classmate in from last semester. She transfered this semester to a different university because she broke up with her ex and she don't want to see him ever again. So she decided to leave.

"Hi!" I shyly wave back, thinking that she will probably not approach me but she did. She even hugged me. She's very into skinship and I'm not so it feels weird.

"What are you doing here?" She asks

"I... Well..."

"Did you just came out from the contenstants area? Are you dating a someone competing?"

"Dating.... I... no... I don't think so?"

We start to chat a little bit, to catch up from what we've been up to lately. And while we're talking, I keep noticing how guys heads keep turning. They're probably looking at her. Kristy is hot and cute. She is really pretty too and fashionable so, I can't blame guys if they all like her.

Ugh. This hurts my feelings. Because, if you look at me and then her. Hay, they probably wish to go blind than see me. I'm a chubby, short and I don't dress very girly. I know I look fine and normal but in this world, being in my level is like I'm not even existing. This is the harsh truth.

This is one reason, I don't have much friends nor even dated. 😬

Then the screams suddenly got louder. People start to gather in the floor to go closer the stage. Oh right! Mingi's band is next!

I said my goodbyes to Kristy and went separate ways. I was in a hurry. I didn't go with the crowd but I decided to climb up the bleachers on the sides so I can see them clearly and less human.

The members one by one gets on stage. The cheers are consitent. I never knew they are this famous. But holy smokes! When Mingi came in, the screams got violently LOUD-LOUD.

HE'S SO HOT!

I'M DROOLING!

HOW CAN HE BE SINGLE ??

CAN WE TRY TO GE THIS NUMBER?

so on and so forth...

Girls are literally going gaga over him.

I can even see Kristy and her friends from my spot, going crazy.

But them aside, the music the band is playing is definitely vibe. I could listen to this song everyday if I have too. Even the lyrics is so beautiful! I hope the crowd hears it too and not just thirst over men playing instruments.

**

After the battle of the bands, I stayed where I am. I watch the crowd disappear and slowly spreads out. They will probably all be hungry now and find food stalls to eat.

Me? Well, I don't know.

I look at the time. It's pass 9pm now. I should probably get going now. If I leave now, I could still catch the bus 9:30pm bus.

I should right? I'm not waiting for anything.

Yeah. I should go.

"Where are you going?" Mingi suddenly appears in front of me, making me yelp. "Sorry... I didn't mean to scare you."

"What are you doing here?" I ask

"I'm here to see you..."

"Ahm, why?"

"What do you mean why?" He looks confused with my question.

Dude. Your confusing me. We are just partners in class. We were just supposed to be studying. Now I am here , still in school at night, watched a bunch of bands and waited for you when I don't even have to because... I don't know!

"Tell me what you're thinking..." he says as he takes my bag from me.

"Nothing..." I quietly answer. "But yeah... great show..  the crowd loved it."

"Did you?"

"Hmm?"

"The songs... like... the last one... did you like it?"

"I did. I loved it actually."

"That's a relief." He smiles.

I try to take my bag back from him, "I need to go. I need to catch the bus home."

"Oh." He looks a little disappointed.

"I have an early class tomorrow. I need to crash now or else..."

"Can you please stay a little longer?" He takes my hand, sending shivers. "Please..."

I pull my hand away. "What are you doing?"

"Touching you..." he takes my hand again and then suddenly kisses the back of my hand.

What is he doing? We just met last monday!? I'm not complaining though. No guy had ever given me attention like him before... but... is this even real?

"Come with me?" He says, almost a whisper

"Ahm..."

"Don't worry... I'll take you home. I have a car."

"Okay..."

Here I am again. Dazed. Like I'm under some spell. Whatever he says, I just say yes and listen. Is this the effect of having a dry ass lovelife?

"You know, I would pay a money just to know what you're thinking." He says as we walk. "I feel like... you say a lot in your mind than you speak..."

I blush. "I do..."

"Whenever you're comfortable... just talk... I'll listen."

"Why though?"

"Because, I'm curious..."

"Why?"

He laughs, "You always ask me... why..."

"Because it's odd."

"Odd?"

"We just met last monday..."

"So?"

"Well... one... you are holding my hand very comfortably since earlier... and second... we suddenly became friends like you invited me to your show and..."

Both of us stop in front of the library door.

"And...?"

"And... why are we here?" I look around. "It's closed already. You want to read a book at this hour?"

"Sshh... lower your voice."

He unlocks the door with the key he had. We entered the dark room. I barely see anything. I just rely on him. I follow where he takes me.

"Y/n...?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you... trust me?" He whispers. I could feel his breathe on my ear. "Y/n...?"

I look in front of me, squinted my eyes and trying to see with the minimal light coming from outside is giving, what's in front of us.

"A door? Is this... the short cut...?"

"You... haven't...answered me yet..." I stiffen as I feel his breath at the back of my neck. His plump lips lightly brushing on my skin is already making me melt. "Y/n... do you trust me...?"

I take a deep breathe and try to slower the beat of my heart. "I know... I should not... but..."

He spins me around, his hand on my chin "but...?"

"I do... trust you..."

I could hear his smile. "Can... you be mine?"

End....😬✌🏻

**

<In mingi's POV>

The crowd is loving our set. I'm glad that all our practice and hardwork to compose these songs are all worth it.

But... why does it feel empty still. Like, yes I am happy that people loves our new song but I need to know her reaction. Does she like it? I want to know if she likes the song I made because of her. My wallflower

The girl... I've been eyeing since the semester started...

The quiet girl... who thinks no one ever notices her...

I do.... I notice her... I see her... I only see her... I can't take my eyes away from her...

This is my first time experiencing this... is this what Love at first sigh actually feels?

Oh! There! On the bleachers. I can see her now. (^^,)

[dervampireprince]

hi! have you ever thought/considered posting your stuff on spotify/tiktok? /gen

thank you and have a nice day/night/whatever

for a while i posted small clips to tiktok however i soon stopped doing that. i would want my dervampireprince tiktok to be 18+ only and it's just too hard to curate that on tiktok, and the comments i was getting on my tiktoks and youtube shorts are the most vile comments i've ever received and so i don't want to go back to posting there. i don't understand why anyone would want my audios on tiktok anyway? you wouldn't be able to listen to them with your phone screen off. and if i posted them on tiktok more and they did get nice attention it's only a matter of time before people ignore my no-resposting rule. i've seen too many other asmrists/va's work reposted on spotify with no credit, often instead credited the official voice actor for the character a fan is doing an impression off instead of the fan.

as for spotify, i have no idea how the rules with copyright work there but i presume any fanworks wouldn't be allowed (character's name have trademarks on them and i wouldn't be able to use them, i've noticed that gibi asmr on spotify only posts her original asmr over there and none of her fandom roleplays). so the only thing i'd be able to put on spotify would be my original audios. and i have no idea how spotify works for posting. it's not a social media, even though some people seem to think it is and just respost any song or audio that isn't there's as a podcast (i have already had my audios stolen and reposted as podcasts to spotify multiple times). but again it's not a social media where anyone can just upload anything, think of it more akin to netflix than youtube, where only official stuff is meant to be posted. it's not just as simple as uploading my audios as an album, splitting them up into tracks of 5 minutes because...

it costs money to put your music (or in this case asmr) onto spotify. i would have to pay a distributor to do it and i'm not okay with doing that, i'm not okay with giving the license to my audios to any other person of company for them to potentially do things with it i don't want. yes there's services that most use who you just pay a yearly fee too, but it's less about the money and more about me wanting to retain all rights including distribution rights to my audios. and i wouldn't even make back on royalties what it would cost to distribute them.

now that's for uploading them as music, as albums. the reason why there's too many people reposting others asmr onto spotify as podcasts is you don't have to pay to make a podcast. so the only way i'd be able to upload my asmr onto spotify would be as a podcast. currently there is no way to monetise spotify podcasts (listener support donation are only available in the usa and ads are in closed beta). and then people would be able to listen to them offline through spotify premium instead of having to pay me a little money on patreon. am i fully against uploading my original audios on spotify as a podcast? no. but i don't see any benefit of it. and i don't mean no benefits for me (though i can't make any money off it and i don't see how it could increase my audience when people go searching for asmr on youtube far more than spotify), i mean i don't understand the benefit for you. anything spotify could give you, soundgasm already does and it does it without having to pay for a premium subscription to avoid ads.

i don't see the need for you guys to have my audios on spotify. if you want to listen to them with your phone screen off you can listen to them on soundgasm for free with no ads (you can turn off your phone screen and it will still keep playing the audio), or pay £5 to be able to download ALL of them off patreon and then you could cancel and never pay for another month and you still have all your downloads on your pc/phone. i don't think £5 for downloads you get to keep forever of 200+ audios is too much to ask. or £10 if you want access to all my n-sfw audios.

if anyone has any reasons they think putting my audios on spotify as a podcast would be a good idea or would be helpful for either myself or my listeners i would be open to hearing them. i just really don't understand the point of managing another website of uploads and keeping on top of that when whatever i think you could want from spotify is already available on either soundgasm or patreon.

[faraway-sunshine]

The Band Kid Hangout, Part 1 (from the 11th)

Sorry for the delay. I've been feeling crappy from the new dietary tweaks the nutritionist suggested and from being stuck at Mom's office during the day so I've not had much energy.

Anyway, here's the post:

I turned up at Kit’s apartment around 3pm. It’s higher up in the building than mine, and although the floor plan is similar it’s pretty much a mirror image due to being on the other side. It is right next to the fire escape though.

Inside looked a lot more homey instantly compared to my own place, with photos and drawings pinned all over the walls and the wallpaper clearly faded in parts (unlike how my apartment is just painted white everywhere). A man sat on the couch folding laundry and flashed me a smile, though his eyes narrowed in a way that made me stiffen a little. It's likely he was sizing me up.

“Ah, you must be Sunny. The others are in the bedroom, over there.” He nodded to a door on the flip side with a couple stickers of the letter C stuck on. 

Kit’s bedroom had bunk beds on one wall, with a little girl sitting on the top bunk making plastic dinosaurs fight Beanie Babies silently. I also saw a poster for a movie that had a lot of photorealistic fire behind a bunch of oddly animated characters, plenty of SpongeBob merch, and a basketball hoop above the built-in closet.

Everyone else was already there aside from Eddie, sitting in a near circle on a Spider-Man circular rug. Grizz instinctively shuffled a bit and motioned for me to sit between her and Davey, opposite Kit. 

“Sunny! You made it!’

(Rest of the story under the cut)

I nodded shyly, still not quite the same as I was when I'd called them before, not feeling able to speak yet. And even then, on that phone call, I was mostly listening. Seeing them face to face added a lot more pressure fast.

Kit grumbled and checked his watch. “Goddamn, Eddie, surely it doesn't take that long to get the goods!”

My face must have looked confused, because Kit smirked. 

“You’ll see what I mean later. In the meantime, because we can't get to band business until Eddie arrives, we’re gonna warm up. Do you play something? Eddie said he saw you by the string instruments at that poky instrument store by the mall.”

Grizz objected. “It’s not poky! It has charm and character. Certainly more than all those pompous music stores that devote half the floor space to pianos you’re not allowed to test.”

“I’m not saying that it's a bad music store. Simply one that happens to have a small floor space.”

They moved on to some different topic, but I wasn't really listening. I thought back to that store, the wrong one, how I nearly snatched up that violin as if it were my own that I broke so long ago before running out so quickly that I was sure the sales clerks thought I stole something.

I didn't realise I was digging my nails into my arms until I felt another hand rest on my shoulder. It took a second to see it was Davey’s, which snatched away as soon as I looked at him.

“You okay?”

Without saying as such, I know he wasn't asking about my quietness. I pulled my hands away and noticed a very slight amount of something red under one of my nails, quickly rolling my sleeves down to cover it up.

Kit and Grizz caught on too, abandoning their conversation. Kit got up and rummaged through a drawer before tossing me a Slinky. 

“Here, if you’re restless, just play with this. I get it.” And with that, they returned back to their conversation, as if this were an ordinary moment rather than another thing weird and off-putting about me.

I was still pondering this when Eddie finally came bursting in. Everyone jumped at how the door slammed apart from Kit’s sister on the bunk, who didn’t even flinch, and Eddie himself. He carried a plastic bag from Walmart and a grin, before pulling - of all things - a chocolate cream pie in a foil tin under plastic wrap from it.

“Time for shitface, everyone!”

[catnippackets]

How to come up with tunes basically. Like how to make music that sounds good. How to put different sounds/instruments together in a way that is enjoyable. All I have to work with is GarageBand but I feel like everything I’ve tried to make just sounds like… disorganized? Idk it never sounds like it flows well. I try to do it like the songs I’ve enjoyed do it, where it starts with one sound/instrument/beat and then more sounds are added one at a time until the additional complexity makes it sound better and better - like what you did in Help Like You. How do I do that is what I’m trying to ask, I don’t know if I’ve articulated that properly. How do you put different sounds together in a way that doesn’t sound like a mess?

this still feels very vague to me so I'm just gonna try to explain what I do and hopefully that's of at least some use to you lol I'm not good at all with explaining my process behind any art that I do so I honestly don't think you're gonna get much out of this but I'll try anyway (I also cannot read or write music so idk if that will make my advice better or worse lol)

music does not come naturally to me, at least making songs never feels very natural. usually in the past when I've made music it's felt like I would just wake up one day and my brain would know that something had to come out today and then I'd write the song and then I wouldn't be able to do it again for another like 8 months. it's a little easier to do it now though. when the melody doesn't just come to me like that I usually either fiddle around w a keyboard (I'm sure there's one in garageband if that's what you're using) and hit some notes that sound nice together and then just kind of go from there. OR what happens a lot is I'll be in bed right on the verge of falling asleep and I'll get a little tune in my head that comes from nowhere and then I have to quickly roll over and hum it into my phone before I forget it and then when I wake up I do something with it lol. usually I come up w the melody for the chorus and then for the verses you just sort of build off the chorus to do something that fits with it?? idk how else to explain it

another thing that works in my favour in this regard is I'm really bad at mimicking other people's styles (both visual art and music sounds), so if I'm listening to a song and hear like a drum beat that I really dig I can think "hm I wanna make a song with that drum beat" and then when I recreate it, it really sounds nothing like the drum beat I was trying to mimic, but it still sounds nice and then I have a nice new song that you can't tell was inspired by something else at all bc I can't copy things lol

I would say if you're having trouble, do a bunch of covers of songs you like first instead of starting with your own music. make a playlist of songs you really like and study them, see how the different sounds work with each other, and then try to recreate them, so you can see how many layers go into a song and what makes other people's songs work. you can start small, with the bass/harmony and then singing along with it, like someone who just plays the guitar or piano and sings, and then progress to adding more instruments. adding harmonies will make the melody stronger. adding a bass line (no specific instrument but it will probably be very low) will sort of support the melody and give it a little more depth without distracting from it. the beat will indicate the speed of the song (generally the beat is what you dance to, instead of the melody). you don't need all of them to make a good song, it can be as simple or complicated as you like, but there's plenty of songs out there that only use like one instrument and still sound lovely so you don't have to get too crazy, especially not at first

also I've never used garageband cuz I don't use apple products but before I bought fl studio I used bandlab, which is free for anybody to use and super easy, they have a wide range of instruments and you can also add premade loops too! just in case anyone else is reading this who can't use garageband, the layout looks very similar to it (the only annoying thing is you only get 16 layers which sounds like a lot at first but truly is not lol)

good luck!!

[greaterspawnislands]

1, 7, and 29 <333 (and maybe 20 only if you're up for it, I'm a curious person by nature-)(also hello beloved <333)

1. three songs that come up when you put your phone on shuffle

ok i'm gonna use my liked songs for this since i have a bajillion playlists but this should still work alright

1) Light & Day / Reach For the Sun by The Polyphonic Spree. This is a song that my dad played a lot growing up, and it's just a really nice song that very much feels like the kind of sudden, bright sunshine that makes you feel like you can do anything.

2) Battle Scars by Paradise Fears. I think my spotify shuffle is in a mood today and the mood is "songs to remind you that you have to keep going because there are going to be better days i promise". this one isn't from my dad's music though this is like. middle school mental illness music. I don't listen to this one a lot anymore but I get a lot of nostalgia for it

3) Space Was So Cool by Markiplier, The Gregory Brothers. I mean what else do I really need to say about this one. It's a banger. Nostalgia factor hanging on there, too.

7. three songs you didn't expect to like but eventually loved

To be entirely honest, I don't think I have an answer for this one because a) i usually know if I like a song right away or not and even if I don't at first b) i have an ass memory with this stuff so sadly I have searched but I can't recall any songs that have gone from ambivalent to loved over time :( sorry!

29. three songs that influenced you most

1) Chicago by Sufjan Stevens. This is another artist I listened to growing up, and the first one I loved so much that I put a poster of him up in my room when I was young. This album as a whole is just so good I can't even explain what impact it had one me

2) Passenger Seat by Death Cab for Cutie. Another instrumental artist in my life. It was a hard pick between this and Transantlanticism but they're both on the same album so you should listen to them anyways. Seeing these songs live was unforgettable and changed my brain chemistry for sure

3) Claire de Lune by Claude Debussy. I remember listening to this one as a very very young kid, it was on my sleeptime CD that my dad burned for me. It probably played a role in getting me into playing piano tbh. Yeah god I could go on and on about songs that have influenced me there's an endless amount.

20. three songs that remind you of the person who sends this one

1) Digital Silence by Peter McPoland. Honestly, Echo, all the songs that make me think of you are the ones you've shown me in our playlist haha, so this one gets first mention bc it was added twice loll

2) Biggering from The Lorax. I will continue to think about singing this with you over call and ignoring Kerbe's baffled comments about it :) that was a fun time

3) Super Miriam (FAITH) by n014n. And, of course, I can't think of FAITH anymore without thinking of your gigantic build so you get the faith song also <3

"three songs" ask set

[transsexula]

I keep accidentally holding the button on my phone that summons their new AI assistant and not only do I not use this, I don't have it set up, so it just asks me if I want to set up voice commands and it takes up the whole screen when it does this and it makes me think about all the times recently browsing general web on my phone where pop-ups would completely overtake the screen, or ads will clutter over what I'm trying to read, or the (90+) seconds on an ad that takes multiple skips, or the billboards lining the roads so bad you can't go a mile without seeing an ad for a place that's weathered and ugly and unkempt, or those ads they started playing on streaming services even if you have an account with them and you are actively giving them money not to see commercials but those aren't too bad when you like listening to music and the easiest/quickest access to that which u can afford at the moment has 1 to 2 ads between every song, every song which is now like 2:32 long and also somehow manages to squeeze in some product placement type namedropping of brands—

[mysticdreamcafe]

Health, health, and more health

I have stopped all my old mental health meds and started another one. Now I am off the roller coaster and feeling more like the me I used to know.

The immune therapy is working for the most part. My numbers are up but after the last week I've had a fever for a couple days, i.e. why 2 days in bed.

I'm going to say that the universe stepped in, you can call it God or whatever you wish but an intervention was made on a cosmic level, and annoyed me with pop up's of Johnny Depp clips. I found music again and was reconnected to listening to Alice Cooper. Listening to music triggered the urge to write which triggered the need to improve my health overall. All that, I call it the plague of JD during my instability phase, drama made me make Dr's listen and change the ones that didn't. Now, the insanity has halted but may reoccur at some point. I say this because when your body is slowly attacking your brain you never know what the future holds.

My insurance company called a few days ago and said I qualified for a free health care pack. This has an iPhone, BP monitor, Glucose monitor, and scale included in it. Everything is smart and will sync to an app on the phone via Bluetooth. This is monitored by people at the Ins. company and I have to do readings at least 3 days a week. They prefer daily readings.

All these extra tasks add to the ones I already have to do. Thus, adding to the cycle of doom. This is were I have so much to do I get stressed out, don't eat right, push myself to hard to get stuff done, miss medication doses, and cause myself more harm than good.

You'd think after 11+ yrs the Dr's I see would understand how the cycle of doom works and stop giving me more shit to do. I've told them over and over for years, yet if I stop journaling, exercising, or any other task they give me then they say I'm not adhering to my treatment. Basically, I'm not trying to help myself get better.

I've single handedly moved solid oak furniture around this house and freshened my bedroom for a month when I'm able. I do this to organize, declutter, and reduce allergens for a better living environment. I call that exercise.

I just heard a collective wave of thoughts saying, "you need a routine". Yes, I do. I'm always trying to create and stick to one. The problem is the bad days. I can't cook because I burn and cut myself or throw stuff when my arms jerk. Sometimes I can't hold anything without dropping it or I have trouble swallowing. So, I've limited options of what to eat. I stagger when I walk and sometimes fall over. Speech and cognitive can be glitchy. Pain can be unbearable when I move. Vision can be blurry, tunneled, or like there's a dark black fog I'm looking through. Sometimes I can't sleep and others I sleep only to wake, pee, eat, and go back to sleep. Any of these issues can hit singly or all can join forces to take me down. They can last hours or a week.

So routines are extremely difficult. My answer is to keep premade protein shakes on hand and frozen dinners in freezer (I make them when I am able to cook). My meds are in pill containers and done monthly. My watch and phone remind me when to take them.

Basically, I do what I can when I can but have backups ready when it comes to the essentials. There's canes, walkers, and seats/stools scattered about because my mom is way more unsteady than I am. Even if she refuses to use them.

Well, I've vented and now need to get something done around here. It's warm today so I'm digging my heals in about moving from the open window next to me. Good day for a nap, but that won't make dinner.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

MV

[shesus-crisp]

even though I constantly listen to music I never used Spotify since I was under the impression it would require a subscription, and I was afraid I wouldn't find all the songs I like on it. instead downloaded an MP3 downloader and a free organizer for my MP3 files on my phone and used that. worked flawlessly, but recently I started getting interested in vocaloid stuff, and most of that is in Japanese, which I can neither write nor understand, meaning I can't search for these songs on my MP3 downloader. found a big starter playlist on Spotify linked in a YT video and I thought I'd give it a try since I'd recently learned that only Spotify premium actually costs money. and holy shit. they really want you to buy it huh.

nothing has convinced me more of my decision not to use Spotify than using Spotify these past few days to listen to Hatsune Miku. jesus christ. 30 second ads every two songs that completely break the flow of any given playlist. not being able to play singular songs from playlists. not being able to skip back one song or replay it. HAVING TO PAY TO DISABLE THE SHUFFLE FUNCTION, WHICH SHUFFLES SONGS FROM YOUR PLAYLIST WITH RANDOM SHIT SPOTIFY SUGGESTS, making every playlist basically just a song suggestion list where every now and again, a song you know gets to play. it may be a boomer complaint but if there is one thing on this planet that drives me up the fucking roof it's technology trying to tell me what I should do or in this case, listen to, without the ability to opt out. a MACHINE, trying to dictate choices to ME, its LORD AND MASTER.

I am exaggerating a little, but jesus christ using this app without paying for it seems impossibly frustrating with this kind of hostile design to the user. pukicho I have never agreed with you more. all companies must perish