#but often ill see a ship and especially one thats painted as better than a m/f ship because its gay instead

[crittertalez]

its not extremely common but it is interesting (not in a good way) that several times ive seen peoples solutions to "apprentice x older man who isnt very good to them" is "apprentice x older woman who is questionably better maybe" and its like yeah idk. i dont know that i like "teenager shipped with someone who is a grown adult when they meet and get close" even when its gay

[thanksfornothinguselessreptile]

A Shifting World Chapter 4: Goodbyes and Departures

First Chapter

<– Previous

Work Summary: Things have been going great since Hiccup and Toothless have defeated the Red Death. He has his father’s approval, a group of friends his own age, and is leading the integration of dragons and the Vikings of Berk. When neighboring tribes call together a meeting to discuss rumors of Vikings riding dragons, however, Stoick decides to keep their alliance with dragons under wraps. Hiccup must decide whether he should listen to his father or seek to teach the other Vikings of the archipelago the truths about dragons.

AO3

Rating: T

Characters: Hiccup, Toothless, Astrid, Stoick, Fishlegs, Ruffnut, Tuffnut, Snotlout

Pairings: Minor Hiccup x Astrid

Chapter Summary: Hiccup makes a promise to his best friend. Meanwhile, the twins are the twins and Mildew is Mildew.

Chapter Warnings: Discussions of death and murder, food mention

“You guys are all so lucky,” Tuffnut said as he shook his head at the nearest ship. “You all get to go to the Thing and we don’t.”

“I’d kill for the opportunity to go.” The scariest thing about that statement, Hiccup decided, was that Ruffnut sounded like she genuinely meant it. “The Thing is the prime pranking opportunity, and none of you are going to take advantage of it!”

“We’ll keep that in mind, I promise,” Hiccup said. He found himself regretting that the twins wouldn’t be coming along, even if it cut down the risk of other tribes declaring war on Berk due to missing beards and painted helmets.

Still, with a whole village to terrorize and no one else in their friend group around to entertain them or hold them back, Hiccup was sure that the missed opportunity would soon be a long distant regret.

Luckily enough for Hiccup, if not for Berk, it turned out that many of his friends were coming along, too. Astrid’s mother, Phlegma, was among the Berk Council, as was Spitelout, Snotlout’s father; both had decided their children ought to come along and get a better understanding of the other tribes. Fishlegs, while he had a mother aboard their ship as a sailor, had been chosen to come because Stoick believed he could have potential as a future ambassador of Berk.

Beyond them, all of the Berk Council were going as well. Well, all except for one, who was heading this way with a frown.

Hiccup was suddenly very aware that the twins had seemed to have vanished into thin air. They must’ve pranked Gobber somewhat recently, then.

“Ah, Toothless, there you are!” Gobber said as he wagged the wooden hand cutout attached to his prosthetic arm attachment as he prepared a lecture. “Remember that you aren’t going on this trip, you sneaky reptile.”

Toothless grumbled in irritation and glanced over at Hiccup as if asking him to reverse the decision.

“Sorry, bud,” he said instead, and gave Toothless an apologetic smile. “You know that Dad would kill me if I smuggled you aboard.” And anyways, even if he did go through with showing the other tribes that dragons weren’t inherently violent and were actually amazing, intelligent beings who were willing to live in peace if humans were, he wanted Toothless here, safe, if things went wrong. Again.

Toothless snorted and shook his head, his pupils narrowing slightly.

“Don’t worry, bud, it won’t be for forever.” If Gobber wasn’t there, Hiccup would have told him he’d try and make it so he could go to the next one, too. However, Gobber was still there, listening. He wouldn’t exactly be the sort that would keep quiet if Hiccup started making plans to go against his father’s and chief’s wishes behind his back.

“Yes,” Toothless said with a disgruntled huff.  

Hiccup could understand why. He wasn’t too happy about having to leave his best friend either.

Anything else he had to say, however, was swallowed up by a loud yell several feet away.

“I’m telling you, Stoick, this must be a sign from the gods to give up this unholy alliance with the beasts.” Hiccup had heard that voice enough times since after the Battle of the Red Death that he frowned and prepared to sigh with exasperation even before properly recognizing its owner.

Just as there were dragons too affected by the years of conflict to want to move onto Berk, there were Vikings who resisted the peace with the dragons with their heels dug into the ground. But where dragons were happy enough to avoid Berk, Mildew had decided to make his “opinion” everyone’s problem.

And especially Hiccup’s and Stoick’s.

“If the other tribes catch wind of us ‘befriending’ these monsters–” Mildew swung his staff straight toward a nearby Monstrous Nightmare who’d just dropped off a pallet of supply crates tied into groups with fishnet, ignoring their filthy look “–then we might as well kiss our lives goodbye!”

Stoick, half turned toward Mildew and half toward the freshly delivered stack of supplies, rubbed at his head in a way that told Hiccup that he was sensing an oncoming headache. “You’ve already brought this up. For sixteen Gripe Days in a row.”

“And you wouldn’t listen!” Hiccup winced as the vibrations of the resulting slam of the staff end into the wooden dock made their way up his prosthesis. “But now that the other tribes have come knocking, maybe you’ll finally care!”

Stoick cast Mildew a glare so sharp Hiccup almost expected to result in Mildew bursting into flames without a dragon’s intervention. Unfortunately for all of Berk, it didn’t. “Enough, Mildew. I am sticking to the answer I’ve given you every time before. We are not driving the dragons away.”

Mildew’s voice dropped just a fraction, and turned even more bitter and accusing. “Is it something you’re willing to bet the whole village’s lives on?”

“I assure you,” Stoick said, his voice unyielding, “I have the village’s best interests on my mind. And, like it or not, that includes yours.”

“Besides,” Gobber said, walking from beside Hiccup up to Mildew, “is right before Stoick’s about to leave to ensure we continue living in peace really the time to bring this up? Especially since he heard it before?”

Mildew snorted, sounding for all the world like a particularly stubborn sheep not unlike the one that often followed him around.

“I thought so. Now I suggest you go back and tend to your cabbages, unless you want to help load up the ship.” Gobber used his hand prosthesis to gesture at the supplies.

With one last scowl and “Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you,” Mildew stormed off the docks, staff tapping each wooden board along the way.

“Thanks, Gobber,” Stoick said, sounding more relieved than he’d been since the announcement of the Thing.

Gobber shrugged. “Eh, I’ll just add it to list of stuff you’ll owe me for while you’re gone.” He shuddered overdramatically. “Including the Gripe Days you’ll be missing. Not looking forward to those, I’m telling you!”

Stoick laughed and shook his head. “It makes dealing with the other chiefs seem like a picnic.”

Hiccup and Toothless walked toward them. “Can’t you do something about his attitude problem?”

Stoick frowned and sighed. “He gets under my skin as much as yours, son, but I’m afraid I can’t.”

“What does he have against them, anyways?” He leaned over to pat Toothless’s side, to calm himself and his dragon. “They hardly attacked his farm.” Cabbage, to no one’s surprise, was hardly a dragon’s preferred delicacy. In fact, they seemed to avoid them more often than most other crops.

Gobber and Stoick shared a solemn look.

“You see, years ago he set his farm up there,” Gobber said, sounding like he was getting into a long story that had no happy ending. “No one particularly minded, given he was always that… well, Mildewy, for the lack of a better word.” He shrugged. “And he married a woman who was just as grumpy as he was, and they had kids who took after the both of them.”

If Gobber and Stoick hadn’t looked so serious, Hiccup would’ve shuddered at the thought of a family of Mildews.

“They all seemed happy, though, and they kept mostly to themselves, so everything was fine.” Stoick shook his head. “And then, one day, his wife and children were picking up supplies in town when a dragon raid hit.”

“It was the worst in decades.” Gobber bit his lip. “Our best could hardly keep up defending the town from the dragons.” He sighed and shook his head. “By the time dawn came and they retreated, so many had died, even those who hadn’t fought.”

“Including Mildew’s family.” Hiccup never thought he’d feel anything regarding sympathy for the man, but then again he’d always summed his irritability up to stubbornness beyond the usual Viking levels.

“And that wasn’t the end of it.” Stoick’s tone caused Hiccup to brace himself. “Mildew somehow got it into his head that we let them die intentionally because no one liked them.”

“Well, no one did like them,” Gobber jumped in with a conciliatory tone. “But no one hated them that much,” he added when Stoick glared at him.

“Everyone kind of understood that it was mostly the grief talking, and things kind of died down after a while.” Stoick stroked his beard. “And eventually he ended up taking another wife.”

“And that’s when a dragon came to his farm and burnt it to a crisp.” Gobber shook his head. “Mildew escaped. Not his wife.”

“And after he got over that, he married another woman. She was from the Northlander Tribe, I believe.” He glanced at Gobber as if to confirm.

Gobber nodded. “Aye. And I bet you can get what happened to her.”

Hiccup’s stomach clenched. “I’m guessing not a peaceful death by old age.”

“After that, he became obsessed with killing dragons.” Stoick stroked his beard, lost in thought.

“Not himself, of course.” Gobber shrugged a single shoulder. “Let’s just say he chose to keep a farm far from the raids for a reason. But he bought dragon parts off those who did kill them. Bones, scales, heads, the lot.”

Toothless made a nervous sound, and Hiccup reached over to scratch him under the ears in an attempt at reassurance. “Don’t worry, bud. No one’s getting your head.”

“He was always advocating for crueler ways of killing them off entirely, not just driving them off our land for good.” Stoick frowned. “In any case, any intention he had of making his peace with them died with his wives and children.”

“But now we can make sure that no one else has to go through that.” Hiccup knew that losing family to dragons hurt; he’d lost his own mother to a dragon when he was a baby, and that had definitely stung after finding out that it was the Red Death’s fault. Still, he couldn’t imagine preferring being at war with dragons to the peace they had now over it.

“I know, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.” Stoick placed a hand on Hiccup’s shoulder, being careful not to knock him over. “However, he’s been bitter since the day he was born, and circumstances only made him worse. When you’re chief, you’ll have to deal with worse than the likes of him.”

Hiccup resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Encouraging pep talk, Dad.”

Stoick shook his head and laughed, and the somber tone the conversation had taken seemed to disperse like that. “Next time, I’ll let it surprise you.” He glanced around the docks and the ship, scanning everything. “Well, it looks to me like we’re just about ready to set out here. You get on the ship and I’ll get the loose ends tied up.” With that, he walked off.

Hiccup turned back to Toothless. “Well, I guess it’s time to say goodbye, bud.”

Toothless warbled in a very unenthusiastic tone.

“I promise I’ll be back, with a whole new bunch of stories to tell you.” A gathering of Viking chiefs was certainly never boring, as Stoick had often been inclined to share. “I’m sure you will too, since the twins are staying behind.”

At that, Toothless snorted and rolled his eyes.

Hiccup couldn’t help but smile at that. “You never know, you might have too much fun watching them get in trouble to even notice I’m gone.”

Toothless snorted and shook his head. He didn’t sound particularly convinced.

“It’s just for a few weeks, I promise.” Hiccup held out an open hand. Toothless stared at it and hesitated, then leaned his head over until his nose met Hiccup’s palm.  “Take care while I’m gone.” He let himself give his best friend a crooked, mischievous smile and wagged a finger at him in warning. “And no helping Ruff and Tuff with their pranks, alright?”

Toothless seemed to raise the draconic equivalent of an eyebrow, but nodded. “Yes.”

With that, Hiccup forced himself up the gangplank and looked for a place to sit. It was going to be a long journey.

So this is probably the last chapter I’m posting to Tumblr before the Log Off Protest. While the next chapter will likely be published on AO3 around the same time next week, I won’t crosspost it to Tumblr until the protest is over and I log back in. After that, crossposting should continue as usual. Thank you!

Next –>

[edsrich]

Mixtapes (Richie/Eddie)

Summary: Both Richie and Eddie are very fond of each other and often tease each other affectionately, especially Richie to Eddie. So Bill and Stan both play cupid, which results in swapping mixtapes for eachother.

Warning(s): Bad language, 13 year olds kissing (don’t read if you think its fucking weird?? bc its not), if you think this is me sexualising these cuties-don’t bother

Richie’s Mixtape to Eddie

Eddie’s Mixtape to Richie

A/N: Look at my children in love, PLEASE I highly recc listening to either of the mixtapes that are linked above^^? They are both very 70/80′s. btw I do requests? If anyone wants to hit me up an x reader or a ship in IT 2017 (or IT in general) I’ll be glad to do so?? don’t be shy

“Awe, Eds. Look at you.” Richie cooed teasingly, pinching Eddie’s slowly flushing cheek.

Eddie quickly began swatting at Richie’s hand, his eyebrows furrowed heavily and a frown on his lips, “Don’t touch me with your rotten hands, asshole!”

Richie ignored his protests and flinched away from his swats, moving his hand to now over his shoulders and pulling the smaller boys frame into his own side, a grin on his lips.  “You’re such a cutie, Eds.”

“No, No I’m fucking-”

“Both of you, shut up.” Stanley grumbles after rolling his eyes several times at the two.

Richie snapped his eyes at Stan, glaring through his coke bottle glasses, which only enhanced his eye size even more. He held Eddie closer, even with Eddie’s flushed cheeks he still squirmed lightly.

Stan sighs in relief and folds his arms as the group goes back to its usual discussion about the new random comic book of the week. Eddie couldn’t help but allow his heart to beat faster at Richie’s touch against his form, making him feel protected in his stronger grip. He couldn’t help but zone out as Richie begun to bicker that his comic book that he found was better than Stan’s.

Bill tilted his head, analysing Eddie as his eyes would flicker all over the place with his mouth gaping before closing every now and then and gulping. He knew that how he was acting wasn’t the norm for Eddie whenever Richie was like this, something was different. Not to mention that he had stopped struggling against Richie who wasn’t even holding Eddie tightly or forcing him in place.

Bill smiled a bit, as something clicked inside of his head- a plan. But he was going to need Stanley to help out.

That night, on the way home from their adventurous summer day- Bill was walking Eddie home as Stanley had taken Richie to a different route. Bill hummed a tune as he walked alongside his friend, grinning as he turned to look at him.

“So...”

Eddie looked at Bill, tilting his head, “So?”

“So, y-..you and Richie?”

“Yeah?” Eddie was confused, almost disgust in his voice- but Bill could see past the faux disgust.

“I saw how you were t-today, Eddie. Y-you were blushing.”

This again, only caused Eddie to heat up as his form became a flustered mess and he glared at Bill. “You would blush too if someone touched your arm!”

“N-no, I’d only b-blush if Bev touched my arm there.” Bill pointed out, “but in this instance, you blushed when Richie had his arm around you- as well when he pinched your cheek and called you a ‘cutie’, it’s quite obvious.”

Eddie snapped his head away, patting his fanny pack for reassurance for himself. “Whats your point?”

“My point? M=my point is that he’s flirting with you; y-you like him.”

“I don’t like him! And he isn’t flirting with me! He acts like that with everyone-”

Bill cuts Eddie off quickly, “E-Eddie, do you see him pinching any of our cheeks and calling us a ‘cutie’? He doesn’t put his arms a-around us or any of the shit he does for you, not to mention he calls you E-Eds and doesn’t have a nickname for any of us.”

“Okay Bill-”

“N-n..not to mention, he carries an extra i-inhaler around just incase you lose yours.”

Thats when Eddie’s breath hitches, feeling butterflies go crazy in his abdomen, adoration swirling and tugging at his heart strings. He could practically hear his heart in his ears loud and clear.

“He... he does?” Eddie whispers, his voice quivering a bit.

“Yeah, even though he knows that you don’t even need it anymore, because you know, gazebos and your Mom making your illness up and shit but- yeah.” Bill smiles, watching how the young boy was falling more and more in love.

Eddie then quickly holds his wrist, feeling his pulse; resulting his fingertips quivering from feelings how his heart was beating with happiness.

“Oh... I-I never knew that. He’s never told me...”

“That’s b-because you’ve never needed it, but he always has.”

Eddie bites his lip, “What a fucking, what- he’s a fucking dick.” Eddie protests, blushing bright as ever.

“Sure he is,” Bill chuckled, “But l-look, I wanna help you. I know when someone is in love when I see it.”

“How?” Eddie asked, neither denying his feelings or admitting.

“Well.. It i-involves music.”

Meanwhile, Stanley was grumbling to himself in annoyance and cursing Bill’s name for getting him into this situation with Richie Tozier. He didn’t want to do this, but Bill had promised to give him some candy as a reward if it goes well.

“So, Richie. I’m gonna make this quick as possible so I can just go home.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Richie asked with pure confusion, a single eyebrow furrowing and one raising.

“You like Eddie, Eddie likes you.” Stan started, his face full of boredom, “Can you just hurry up and tell him?”

Richie was shocked by his friend’s words at first, before smirking. “Hell yeah I like him, I tell him all the time.”

“I mean genuinely, you asshole.” Stan sighed, “Not as a joke or some shit, literally confess your fucking feelings to him or something.”

Richie rolls his eyes, not being fazed by the situation, “What makes you think I like him seriously? I’m not fucking gay-”

“It’s pretty fucking clear you like girls, after you telling us for the full day about the first time you ‘tickled your pickle’ to a random magazine that had huge boobs all over it. But you like guys too, there’s nothing wrong with that.” Stan spoke with a monotone voice, managing to not let any voice cracks slip.

Richie scoffed, “I don’t like him, he’s a friend and I like to tease him.”

“You tease him by calling him ‘cute’ and you give him a nickname, you don’t do it to anyone else. You like him, just admit it- no one is judging you.” 

Richie frowned, huffing a bit and rolling his eyes. “Well, what if I did? Whats your point and where are you going with this?”

Stan smirked, patting Richie’s back forcefully, causing him to stumble forward.

“What’s your taste in music like?”

The next day, both Richie and Eddie were walking to school together in perfect unison, both of them holding a tape in their pocket that held a variety of songs that the one had imagined for the other.

Richie gulped, for once actually nervous around Eddie. What would Eddie think of him? It was a fucking mixtape, it was Richie’s music taste. Would he even like it? Would he-

“Richie, here. I want you to have this.” Eddie cut off Richie’s thoughts, holding up a tape alike to Richie’s.

Richie blinked twice, stopping in his steps. The tape was all black and what seemed to be painted on with nail polish ‘Sucks to Suck’ on top of the tape. 

“I-it’s a mixtape.” Eddie mumbled awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck as he felt flustered.

Richie stayed silent, slowly taking the tape, analysing it with soft eyes before looking up with confusion. He turned over the  mix tape to see ‘to Richie’ painted with the same shade of white but in smaller writing.

“You made one too?” He spoke quietly, his head tilted to the side which caused his dark brown hair to tilt too.

“What?”

“Look...” Richie dug into his pocket and pulled out his own black tape which had a sticker on it, saying ‘Gimmie head til’ I’m dead!’ on it, with writing scribbled onto the back saying ‘to Eds’ with a cheeky smiley face, “I made one too, here.” He handed it over.

Eddie’s eyes widened, blushing a bit as he took it from the glasses wearing boy and read over it- mentally scoffing at the sticker but he was in awe of the idea that both of them had somehow made a mixtape for the other.

“You too?” Eddie whispered in shock.

“Well, yeah- but it wasn’t my idea.”

“It wasn’t mine either.” 

Richie quickly smirked, rolling his eyes, “They fucking set us up.”

“Who? Bill? Because it was Bill’s idea for me-” Eddie began to ramble on.

“It was Stan’s idea for me.”

Eddie then stopped, sighing with a grin- poking his tongue in his cheek. “Fuck, that makes sense.”

Both look at each other with grins slowly spreading over their chapped lips, soon the two boys were in a fit of giggles due to the realisation of the sweet situation. Both never taking eyes off one another, blushes spreading to their ears and down their necks.

“I, I guess I’ll listen to this tonight?” Richie’s voice broke, still calming down from his fit of giggles.

“Yeah, me too... I-i uh, I picked out the songs carefully and put them in order a certain way, so..” Eddie trailed off, becoming a little ashamed incase Richie would tease him for his effort.

But Richie only felt love swell inside of him at those words, he grabbed Eddie’s hand with his free one and leant forward, bending down slightly, whilst pressing their lips together for the first time. Eddie’s eyes widened in shock, before melting and wrapping his free arm around Richie’s neck with the mixtape in his firm grip. Both merged together in sync and harmony, with their lips swelling and becoming saturated in colour. Richie wrapped his other arm around Eddie’s waist and too held his mix tape tightly as they both kissed in the middle of the street, hand in hand, with no shame at all.

Eddie sat down at his desk, placing his headphones over his head, pressing play as quickly the flood of Richie vibes swirled into his eardrums. Finally, after many aching hours at school he had time to listen to this mixtape.

I don’t want to know your name

Cause’ you don’t look the same

The way you did before

Okay, you think you got a pretty face

But the rest of you is out of place

You looked alright before...

Eddie chuckled at the familiar song, it often played in arcades that the Losers club all went too. It went under the title ‘Fox on the Run’ and it was by ‘The Sweets’.

Fox on the run!

You scream and everybody comes a running!

Take a run and hide yourself away...

Foxy on the run!

F-foxy!

Fox on the run...

And hide away!

Eddie listened to every song intensely, capturing the vibe of Richie Tozier perfectly. He had even picked out songs that they both loved and favoured. Eddie really adored Richie’s music taste and everything about it, it perfectly described him as a person and he loved that.

Soon, the last song came on. By the instrumental, Eddie recognised it to be ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love With You’ by Elvis Presley. HIs heart hammered quickly.

Wise men say,

Only fools rush in

But I, cant help, falling in love with you...

Shall I stay?

Would it be a sin?

If I can’t help, falling in love with you...

Eddie’s breath hitched in his throat, feeling his pulse echo throughout his system. This was not part of Richie’s vibe at all, but part of Eddie’s. Eddie loved Elvis Presley whilst Richie wasn’t a big fan of him. 

But this song was magical and made for someone special, so Eddie was shocked and swooned. Very much so captivated.

Eddie Kaspbrak was falling in love with Richie Tozier.

Later that night, Richie laid down in bed with his cheap headphones, before plugging them into the mixtape and pressing the button to get the songs going.

The first song started; it was of course one of Richie’s favoured artists as well as Eddie’s. From what he knew, this was one of Eddie’s favourite songs from David Bowie, it was called Heroes and it was a truly beautiful song.

I, I will be king.

And you, you will be queen.

Though nothing, will drive them away

We can beat them, just for one day.

Oh we can be heroes!

Just for one day.

And you, you can be mean.

And I, I drink all the time.

Because we’re lovers, and that is a fact.

Yes we’re lovers, and that is that.

Though nothing, will keep us together

We could steal time, just for one day.

We could be heroes, forever and ever.

What’d you say?

Richie felt his heart pump faster and swell as the mixtape carried on, each song having Eddie’s vibe to it. But Richie could tell that they matched him in a way that made Eddie pick it for him to listen to. Everything was intentional.

After a good 50 minutes, the final song was starting to play. Yet Richie wasn’t prepared for what he was about to hear.

Hey Jude...

Don’t make it bad,

Take a sad song, then make it better.

Remember, to let her into your heart.

Then you can start to make it better.

Richie’s eyes widened as his thoughts wandered back to Eddie’s simple words. ‘I picked out the songs carefully and put them in order a certain way.’ This meant that Eddie had intentionally wanted Richie to hear this song last.

Hey Jude...

Don’t be afraid.

You were made to go out and get her.

The minute you let her under your skin

Then you begin to make it better.

Richie felt the tears prick at his waterline as this was the first time of him being emotional at a song. Eddie was the only person that knew about Richie’s home life, how he was neglected by his parents constantly and was alone. He knew that the reason why Richie was so loud and out there was because he didn’t receive the attention he deserved at home, so he wanted it from friends. He wanted to make people laugh, Eddie knew this.

Eddie’s key words lingered in his brain, as it stuck out to him that this single song revealed that Eddie’s whole mixtape was set up in a way to help Richie throughout dark times or whenever he felt alone, so he could remember that Eddie had cared enough to set up this mixtape in perfect order to make Richie stronger in that given moment.

And anytime you feel the pain,

Hey Jude, refrain

Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders.

For well you know that it’s a fool,

Who plays it cool

By making his world a little colder.

Richie’s tears finally fell, making him take his glasses off to refrain any of the tears staining the lenses. Eddie had purposely picked this song as if to say that Richie was in fact his Jude, he wanted Richie to get better and hopefully have a better mindset besides his life at home.

Nah, nah nah, nah nah, nah nah, nah nah...

His breaths shook, as he held the mixtape to his chest with the headphones still placed perfectly on his head. He was thankful to have someone like Eddie who would even bother to do this, as something as simple as this with so much thought put into it only made him fall in love with the small boy even more.

[slothcritic1]

Moana (2016)

Amazing Hair: The Movie. Moana is a tale of Hawaiian/Polynesian folklore centering around Dwayne The Maui Johnson and brand new talent (Auli'i Cravalho) as the titular character.

As someone who grew up with Toy Story, it’s funny to think about what this movie represents from a technical standpoint. Toy Story purposefully did not have an explositions or exposed liquids due to the limitations of technology at the time. And now we have a movie that takes place 90% of the time in the middle of a huge ocean.

The movie has some genuinely good songs, thanks to the singing talents of Ms Cravalho and, surprisingly, Dwayne Johnson himself. Yes, The Rock can sing, and while it’s semi-obvious that he doesn’t have the range of some other singers, he works within his means and knocks it out of the park in the song You’re Welcome

The plot structure itself is very formulaic however, which is a shame as everything else holds up so wonderfully. The focal girl has a duty to uphold, but instead decides to “follow her destiny” and choose a life of adventure over the life she’s expected to live (you know, like Brave, Frozen, Mulan, Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, Hunchback of Notre Dame, Tarzan… you get the point). She then meets up with the wacky, street wise (or ocean wise), reluctant helper that she goads into helping on her journey. They become friends and bond, then theres the third act break up where the helper separates for no good reason, and the fourth act triumphant return at the ending climax for even less of a good reason.

With that out of the way, the movie rocks. Some people completely judge a movie only on plot, but I think it’s more about how it makes you feel. A movie is a vessel for emotion and intrigue.

Aside from the stunning visuals (which, lets face it, are now a standard practise for Disney Pixar films) and a catchy song (songs however are much easier to screw up, and this movie has a lot of good ones), the opening scene is bland. It sets up Moana to be the next village chief and her journey into leaving the island. The scene doesn’t really have anything for itself, but rather is used to carry the impact of when she actually disembarks. It’s necessary for backstory (no one ever leaves the island), exposition (Moana is the daughter of the village chief, etc) and the premise (find Maui and have him restore Heart of Te Fiti to stop a black virus from consuming all life), but doesnt do too much on its own.

The disembarkment scene however is wicked powerful. My friends thought I was alien for not crying or tearing up during it, but I will admit it did give me a good *pang* in the heart. Magical spirit stingray!

Two things should also be mentioned at this point. 1) A rooster named Hei Hei has snuck aboard Moana’s boat. It’s a very special rooster that my friends would not stop comparing to me. And B) The ocean is a sentient character of sorts, and provides some of the comedy for the movie.

Moana follows the constellation of the fish hook to where Maui is, since thats his dealio. At some point however, the lovable ocean gets triggered and decides to unleash its torrential stormy wrath upon Moana. I mean, it does get her to Maui’s island, but I’m sure there were less dickish ways of accomplishing that. Though I don’t think ocean cares since it killed Moana’s dad’s best friend. Oh, ocean, you little scamp.

Maui pops in and drops my favorite song of the movie, then steals the boat and leaves Moana to… I dunno, die? But she makes it back to Maui and explains that he needs to help her because, guess what, she’s the Disney Princess of this movie. And yes - She is. Her father is chief, which is like a king. She’s the chief’s daughter, which is like a king’s daughter, aka princess.

Maui responds by throwing the Heart of Te Fiti several miles away. This almost works out for Maui until p̶l̶o̶t̶ the ocean interferes by throwing it back, railroading him into a whole new world.

Maui however is at a disadvantage in his current state; He’s missing his hook. No hook, no powers. So when tribal coconuts show up on a HUGE ship, armed to the coconuts with poison blow darts, they’re kind of fucked, especially when they steal the Heart of Te Fiti, which is… currently inside Hei Hei.

Luckily, Moana does some badass shit while Maui handles the boat and the three of them get out fine. Next stop, Maui’s hook. But before that, Moana wants to drive the boat. Maui says no, and the ocean pricks him with a stray poison dart. Now he cant drive. But he can pee in the water just as he tells Moana to check for a “warm current”

I can get on board with that level of petty.

They arrive at Monster Island, which is where Maui’s hook is. Maui tells her to stay on the boat and do nothing like a good woman while macho man demi-dude saves the whole day. It has little success. I should also mention, this entire time they’ve been traveling from Casa de Maui to Mount Doom, Maui has just been roasting Moana for being a Disney princess. To summarize:

“Oh look at me. I’m the chosen one. I’m like 8 years old and never sailed a boat in my life, but here I am thinking the ocean chose ME, with my bleeding heart spiel and animal companion to try and save the world.”

To be fair, large bodies of water have never been good at chosing leaders - Ask Monty Python.

Regardless, Moana and Maui both climb what is basically a 90 degree incline to the top of the Dread Spire. It is at this point Maui informs Moana that the door to the monster realm can only be opened with a human sacrifice. Before Moana can protest, Maui ritually disembowels her with his own hands to appease the ancient blood gods.

Kidding. He chants a few words and the gateway opens. The two jump in, and Moana is almost eaten or killed numerous times with the first few moments of being in the realm of the monsters.

Maui’s hook is resting upon a mountain of gold. Seems innocent enough to Moana, but Maui insists she wears a bright and gaudy disguise to draw the attention of… something.

The mountain of gold rises up. Turns out thats just its back. Meet the British Crab. He sings a song about how he loves shiny things and then nearly eats Moana, until Maui reveals he retrieved his hook from the British Crab’s back.

But he’s a little rusty and it, uh, doesn’t work right. So Maui gets his shit stomped by BC. Moana saves the day by painting a rock with bioluminescent algae to make it look like the Heart of Te Fiti, which is shiny, and BC is all about the shiny.

They escape, and Maui learns to reuse his hook. Everythings looking swell until they try and take on the great evil of the story, Te Ka. He uses fireball and Maui presses E to deflect with his hook, only instead the hook gets mad cracked. It sparks like its somehow made of electricity, which I find weird. Maui is now done with life since his hook is nearly toast and he fucks off, leaving chosen girl all by herself, depressed as fuck in the middle of nowhere, ocean.

One drug trip and amazing song later, she regains her confidence and tried to take on Te Ka by herself. It surprisingly works, because now she knows how to drive a boat. Hei Hei comes in clutch and stops the Heart of Te Fiti from falling off the boat, and they make it through the border islands towards their main goal.

Te Ka is still rather pissed, being a giant lava demon and all, so he keeps trying to kill Moana. And for no real reason, here comes Maui to save the day - or at least to stall Te Ka until Moana can do the thing. His hook gets completely totalled but its okay, because he learned a valuable lesson off-screen that he’s still Maui, hook or no hook.

Moana realizes that the Heart actually goes into Te Ka. So she pulls a Moses, lets Te Ka come at her bro, and puts the Heart into her chest. This turns her from the red Lava Groot to the green Mother Nature Jemima, and everything is better forever. And hey, she gives Maui a brand new hook after he apologises for being the literal cause of ALL of this. Maui does his own thing and Moana becomes the leader of a brand new generation of voyagers.

I do have to applaud Disney for NOT having the two of them kiss at the end. Its always nice to see a platonic m/f duo in movies and the romance subplot sells so well to resist sometimes.

Overall, very stunning. I often cite “movie feel” as a reason why movies with plot/cliche/logistic problems can still make good movies, and this movie does a wonderful job of sweeping you off your feet. Though honestly, the writing on this movie is not bad. Rather, I would say its poorly structured. Think of it like a support beam a beanstalk might grow up. The characters were amazing; Full of life, personality and moderately complex emotions, the animation is so good the whole movie is like a humble brag about how awesome the DisneyTech is, a lot (i’d say 80%) of the script is bang on, and an astounding amount of the songs are really good - Songs are easy to screw up and I’d say that’s this movies second biggest strength (behind hair/water animation). It just struggles with the standard “winning formula” plot structure that was honestly ill-fitting in parts and did not impart a wholesome explanation or comprehensive rationale behind certain scenes.

I’m not a big Disney buff (unless you count the Star Wars acquisition), so I’m not qualified to say how this ranks compared to other movies (disregarding modern tech advancements and focusing more on storytelling) - However I will say that it’s better than Frozen.