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polaristranslations · 4 years ago

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Shinobu Mustard Episode 2

011

"You aren't hiding something from me, are you?"

A little girl with golden hair and golden eyes.

The mere shadow of a vampire, or perhaps the dregs of a vampire—in the past, she'd been feared as the iron-blooded, hot-blooded, cold-blooded vampire, the king of oddities, a monster among monsters that lived for nearly six hundred years, by the name of Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade. But her current, completely changed form was now that of Oshino Shinobu, and that was the question she posed in Koyomi's room in the Araragi house.

"Oi, oi, what are you saying all of a sudden, Shinobu-chan? If you're going to doubt me like that, then our relationship of mutual dependence would be over."

"As if! We're in too deep. As you can see, I'm bound to your shadow as if I've been nailed to it, tightly and firmly."

"Now, now. Look, Shinobu-chan. It's the donuts that you love so much, see? It's the Golden Chocolate, see?"

"That makes you even more suspicious, my master. Don't speak with such a wheedling voice. There's clearly something you're trying to gloss over."

She was sharp. Like a fang.

During spring break when I was seventeen years old, the legendary vampire, who had bitten down upon the nape of my neck and enslaved me, had been bitten back by me and enslaved in return—she had become the legendary slave.

However, despite saying stuff like "my master", she did not seem to want to follow my orders at all. This slave was not at all convinced by my well-reasoned and impeccable attitude, but rather seemed to have deepened her doubts.

Shit, Gaen-san sure was asking a lot from me.

Hiding something from Shinobu was harder than hiding something from my parents—she and I had an inseparable bond, with two hearts beating as one.

If anything, it might have been easier to run in headfirst into dazzling battles against vampires, just like my spring break at seventeen, but with a pacifist specialist and moderate strategist at the helm, it didn't seem like we could take the simple approach.

I had to hold Shinobu back until the sun rose again.

I didn't know why I had to do such a thing—I'd asked her during the daytime, "What should we tell Shinobu about this case?" And the answer that Gaen-san came up with while she slept was not to ask for her cooperation, but rather the strategy of keeping her at a distance.

She was totally just being excluded!

Even though we weren't on the topic of the girls' basketball club, it seemed that bullying was still a thing even among evil spirits... Haah, poor thing.

"Don't look at me with such a pitying gaze. Don't send your feelings of pity at me! What in the world happened during the day? Who did you meet?"

"Oi, oi, Shinobu. Do you really think I would do something like going around and seeing other people?"

"I do. You should at least go out and see people!"

"Now, now. Look, it's the Half & Half from Mister Donut."

"Even if you try to sidestep the matter with something like that... Eh? Half of it is a Pon de Ring, and the other half is an Old Fashioned? It's like a donut from my dreams! Panaino!"

With a sidelong glance at Shinobu who began chewing, I measured the time remaining until sunrise—right now, it was 10 pm, so there was still about 7 hours.

I wondered if I could make it.

Ultimately, since Shinobu was bound to my shadow, it was possible to keep her confined as long as I stubbornly stayed put, but it didn't feel right to force her to just stand by.

Even if it was a request from Gaen-san, who I was much obliged to, I didn't want to do anything that could create a crack in my relationship with Shinobu from here on out.

Since we were in so deep, that was something I wanted to continue.

"That's right, Shinobu. There's something about that deeply memorable spring break that I've always wanted to ask about."

"If it's something you've been wanting to ask for a year and a half, why did you not ask it sooner...?"

Shinobu knit her eyebrows in confusion, but it wasn't like I could tell her that it was a question I had just thought up for the sake of stalling for time.

"During that spring break, you sucked out my blood and turned me into an immortal vampire. You remember, right? With you on the verge of death, I said something like, 'Dying like this suits me pretty well, so this isn't so bad,' and chuckled nihilistically before offering up the nape of my neck..."

"Is something wrong with your memory? Did you use it all up studying for exams?"

The truth was that I was crying when it happened.

But, putting aside whether I was laughing or crying, at that point, I'd turned into a vampire... That was what had happened, but I'd learned from Gaen-san at the hospital that there'd been plenty of potential for that to have failed.

It was actually more likely for the creation of a vampire's thrall to fail, she'd said—and with three mummified high school girls having been verified, it was a fact that I fully understood, to the point that it sent chills down my spine.

And in that case, what I'd suddenly become curious about was...

"What would have happened if, at that time, my vampire transformation had failed? In the first place, what meaning does a failure hold to the vampire master?"

"Ka ka. So the time has finally come to speak of that, then."

Including the Half & Half, Shinobu had made short work of the donuts I'd prepared, and assumed quite the haughty attitude—I mean, it wasn't like I was trying to touch upon such a grandiose secret.

"You sure have grown, my master. Not that you'd actually grow, considering you're immortal!"

"Don't just retort to your own joke. And let me grow! I'm not immortal anymore, anyway. Besides, what kind of growth have you shown in the past year?"

Rather than growth, it was more like regression.

Well, going from a beautiful lady to a cute little girl was a genuine regression... But anyway, this question was made for a reason beyond just stalling for time.

If my vampire transformation had failed at the time.

Would I have become a mummy? And, before she was called Oshino Shinobu, would Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade have been able to survive?

For vampires, the act of sucking blood is like nutrients, but if a vampire were to fail at transforming their target into a vampire, would they simultaneously fail in gaining those nutrients?

During that spring break, the king of oddities had certainly said this.

One whose blood is sucked by a vampire is turned into a vampire, without exception—there was no discretion, it was just a matter of eating it all up or leaving some behind.

In other words, in order to prevent the unnecessarily proliferation of thralls, they couldn't leave any behind—would that just be indigestion?

In the end, were the high school girl mummies successes or failures—as the creator, were they failed products unworthy of signatures? It was hard to figure out.

Right now, the vampire that Gaen-san was chasing. With what purpose—or perhaps, with what motive—were they going after the Naoetsu High girls' basketball team members? If we could figure that out, it would help establish a point of reference.

Even if it was temporary, I wanted an additional line.

If the motive was just an appetite for the sake of gaining nutrients, then it didn't make sense for them to leave anything behind, even if it was just a skin-and-bones mummy. But if they were trying to increase the number of their thralls, then it was a series of failures that was rather disgraceful—what exactly was this vampire trying to do?

"To get straight to the point, if you had failed to become my thrall, my slave, then you would have turned into a zombie incapable of any thought. You remember, don't you? That day, when we visited a different timeline and saw a bunch of living corpses."

"Ah—yeah, we did."

I see.

For those cases, the image I had of those immortal creatures was like a humid, rotten lump of flesh that was sticky and squishy, so I hadn't connected them to these mummies in my mind, but now that she'd mentioned it, I had already known about the precedent.

It was surprising how such an intense and memorable experience could be overlooked when looking at it from a different angle—then, going off of the assumption that losing the ability to think and losing consciousness were similar, then those examples of failures... In that timeline, the "Oshino Shinobu from another route" was in a kind of despair, and had no purpose or motive.

Could this vampire also be in despair? A case of binge eating out of despair... Far from stoic forward-thinking or a smart sense of purpose, it could be a rampage of complete desperation.

Well, I didn't know that many vampires to hypothesize a pattern... Like the number of friends I had in high school, I could count them on one hand.

And, as for the span of time I spent as a vampire (though it felt like an eternity to me), it had only lasted a mere two weeks, so I couldn't be counted in that. So first, the iron-blooded, hot-blooded, cold-blooded vampire, Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade.

Then, there was the giant professional, Dramaturgy, who came to Japan as a vampire hunter of his own kind, in pursuit of the king of oddities... And yet another vampire hunter, the white-uniformed professional, Episode—well, strictly speaking he was just a half-vampire, but it was fine to include dhampirs in the count.

And finally, Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade's first thrall—Shishirui Seishirou...

Four people. Well, they weren't exactly people, so I guess I should say four vampires? In any case, the sample size was a bit too small for me to use as a reference in analyzing the state of this vampire... Well, for a normal human, one encounter with a vampire in a lifetime would be more than enough, but with four vampires (five if you include this one) in a little over a year—Araragi Koyomi's vampire life is truly bountiful, wouldn't you say?

Although all of them were linked to Shinobu—Hm... Well, hold on.

Hold on hold on hold on hold on.

That's right, that was certainly a glaring oversight...

If we were talking about links to Shinobu, then while I had never come in direct contact, I was certainly aware of the existence of yet another vampire.

Though I'd never met them.

I knew.

Though I'd overlooked it.

Without exaggerating—I can say that, if it weren't for that vampire, I wouldn't be where I am today. Because.

"Shinobu. Speaking of which, you've never told me about the vampire that turned you into a vampire—the vampire that's essentially my origin."

"Ka ka. So the time has finally come to speak of that, then."

Shinobu repeated the same line as before, revealing the narrow range of lines that she could think of. And then,

"So the time has come to speak of the death-prepared, death-inevitable, death-certain vampire—the one who birthed me and the one who gave me my name, Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster," she said.

What did she just say?

012

Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster.

Surprisingly enough, it wasn't the first time I had heard the name—or rather, it was a name that I'd just heard that day.

"D/V/S".

Somehow.

With that, I understood everything. No, not everything, but almost everything. That was why Gaen-san had ordered me to contain Shinobu for the night. It had felt like the kind of job that didn't make sense, that I wasn't really sure if it was a job or not—and if I may say so, a rather unrewarding role for how tiresome it was—but that wasn't it at all.

There was no mission that was more important than this.

In the first place, it was because Shinobu had gotten in the way when it came to the resurrection of her first thrall, Shishirui Seishirou, whom she'd once been separated from by life and death, that Gaen-san was forced to make a difficult decision on whether or not to request her cooperation for this case—and even then, this time it was no longer her thrall, but her former master.

Not in the way that she called me "my master" half as a joke and half for fun, but a true "master" in every sense of the word.

It might not stop at just getting in the way—in the worst-case scenario, Oshino Shinobu, who was supposed to be certified as harmless, might end up actively joining the other side. If this little girl, broken down to the point that she'd be in a good mood just from eating donuts, were to once again become the bloodsucking legendary vampire...

A return to the dark side.

Well, because she was such a legend herself, of course there was no way that Gaen-san, the administrator of specialists wouldn't know the name of the vampire that was the source of that legend—the onee-san that knew everything.

Therefore, as soon as the solution to the code was revealed to be "D/V/S", she immediately had a hunch that they were initials.

This completely ordinary town may have had oddity stories occur one after another, but that was when there was no god presiding over it—and now, why was it that yet another vampire would appear so soon, as if mocking the peace that we had laboriously established here? I'd thought it was weird—I'd thought that it could only be an oddity story because it was weird—but if there was a reason like that, then it would explain the drastic change.

If the vampire named Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster had come to visit her former thrall, Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade—just like Shishirui Seishirou, who had approached Shinobu to recover the Demon Blade "Kokorowatari".

Well, originally, his case had the implication of him returning to his hometown...

"Hm? What's the matter? Were you frightened? Did you get too scared to ask about what kind of a nightwalker would give birth to a strong, beautiful, yet fragile vampire like me? Ka ka, quite understandable. The story about the lord of a castle of corpses is so repulsive, it can chill your blood. Even I'm trembling with fear right here."

Shinobu, deliberately making a gesture as if to give herself goosebumps, seemed to be somewhat proud of herself—this was a kind of excitement I didn't see often, despite my close relationship with her.

Was it because she was talking about someone even closer to her, with an even deeper relationship? I felt the way I did when I watched Kanbaru and Higasa-chan play around earlier.

It felt similar to when I saw a junior that I was close with speak even more candidly with a friend that she was even closer with—it would be a lie if I said that I didn't want to accuse Higasa-chan of being overly familiar with Kanbaru, despite her being such a capable junior that would actually treat me like a senior in this day and age. Though it was a little different from jealousy.

Thinking about it now, as equivalent thralls, I had definitely felt something close to jealousy when I faced off against Shishirui Seishirou—that had gotten me worked up, and it had also caused trouble for Gaen-san.

Back then, I had gotten in the way almost as much as Shinobu had—however, if it came to her vampire master, then they wouldn't be someone to be jealous of.

That would be like being jealous of your girlfriend's dad... If anything, I would even like to hear some of Shinobu's stories from when she was human, and the fact that Shinobu had something she could speak proudly of would make me happy as well—if it only weren't for the current situation.

If the main character of the oddity story that Shinobu was telling me about so happily was using their poisonous fangs—their demonic fangs—to bite into the female students of Naoetsu High one after another, it would be hard to just listen to her with a smile.

"Well, I'd even forgotten that I used to be a human until I got into this mess with you last year—I haven't seen Suicidemaster in almost 600 years. Ka ka, she was a genuine vampire who lived quite the reckless lifestyle, so I'm sure she's rotting away somewhere by now."

"...Hey. Shinobu. When you say 'reckless lifestyle', what do you mean by that specifically?"

I asked timidly.

Of course, it wasn't that I was afraid of the ghost story—what I was afraid of was facing the truth. Calm down—it was possible that everything was just me jumping to conclusions.

It was something that happened quite often, me jumping to conclusions.

"Indeed. Unlike me, who eats everything no matter if it's an oddity or not, Suicidemaster was quite the gourmet. Once she'd decided upon her menu, she would stubbornly refuse to eat any other food."

Oho.

So basically, if she decided that she would only suck the blood of female students belonging to a certain club in a certain high school, she wouldn't even give other humans the time of day?

"In fact, at the time, Suicidemaster had almost starved to death when she decided to suck my blood while I was still human. Well, I'm the one who let her suck my blood out of pity. Nihilistically saying, 'Dying like this suits me pretty well, so this isn't so bad'..."

"You're saying the same thing I did."

"You can't fight your blood."

I wonder about that. If this continued, then it wouldn't end at just fighting—it could very well turn into a bloodbath... It was in order to avoid this that Gaen-san diverted her policy and took on the formation that had me mark Shinobu...

But, in that case, I would rather not have known that fact... I should have been a college student that didn't know anything, just as the onee-san that knew everything had arranged me to be.

Sure enough, Shinobu, who had been chattering away in a lively manner up until now, suddenly came to her senses.

"...Huh? Why was I talking about Suicidemaster at this point, all of a sudden?"

She tilted her head to the side—oh, crap.

"If I recall correctly, this originated from the question that you asked..."

"Good grief. Not slipping when asked, not slipping when talking, and yet slipping when asked again—I'm always so paradoxical, aren't I?"

"No, I think you just normally let it slip when asked."

Umm.

I'd already run out of the donuts from Mister Donut that I could have used in a pinch—whether he knew everything or knew nothing, now that he had become a college student, Araragi Koyomi could no longer use the method of a kiss to tide things over, like the Italians did. Not that it was any more justifiable as a high school student.

There was still plenty of time remaining until dawn, but just as I'd been backed into a corner, salvation descended upon me.

I heard a quick knock on the door to my room.

"Yes, yes, I'm opening it no~ow. Could it be Karen? Or maybe Tsukihi? Or maybe news that my child was born?"

"What if you opened the door like that and it was your mother?"

"If the news was that my sister had become a mother, how could I not congratulate her? Welcome, I'd say. Or perhaps, happy birthday."

However, when I opened the door, the hallway was empty.

"Over here, oni onii-chan."

A young girl appeared at the window.

"Happy birthday."

013

Ononoki Yotsugi-chan. An immortal falsely similar to a vampire, a doll girl and a corpse doll (this had nothing to do with what we were talking about earlier, but her existence was close to that of a zombie—a physical oddity similar to Frankenstein's monster), and shikigami of Kagenui Yozuru-san, the specialist traveling from a great distance away to return to Japan. And right now, in Tsukihi's room in the Araragi house, she was freeloading as a stuffed doll.

She had taken up the role of a nearby overseer that was monitoring Shinobu and me closely to ascertain whether our certification as harmless was really appropriate, but at the present moment, the young shikigami girl was, to me, a goddess of salvation.

"Wow, if it isn't Ononoki-chan! You came at just the right time. Now, don't hold back. Come and sit down right on my lap. My lap will be your child seat."

"My master, before you say such creepy things, at least retort to the doll girl's sketch comedy technique of knocking on the door yet coming in through the window."

"Please make yourself at home, Lord Ononoki."

"Is she a noble?"

Shinobu looked at me with even more suspicion, but it seemed that she had to lay aside those doubts in order to deal with her natural enemy that had flanked her—so far so good.

Call me creepy or even a degenerate, but anyway, I'd planned on plunging headfirst into bantering about a child seat with a little girl and a young girl as a vivid reminder of my high school days, but...

"Fortunately for me, I'm not so free that I can spend time lounging around on your lap, oni onii-chan," said Ononoki-chan, expressionless and indifferent.

No, this girl (and though I said "girl", she was the tsukumogami of a corpse that had been used for a hundred years) was always expressionless.

Because she's a corpse.

"Thanks to you, even though my employer, the onmyouji onee-chan, is away, I get to keep working. I'm making a huge profit. I'm laughing like, 'wahaha'."

She didn't look like she was going "wahaha", though (because she was expressionless).

"It's the know-how of wahaha."

"If such a know-how exists, I'd like for you to teach it to me."

But Gaen-san had said something like that, too... Ononoki-chan was in charge of a separate case.

That it was important to not sweat the small stuff.

In that case, she really must have just come with perfect timing, as opposed to coming here on Gaen-san's orders to support me in marking Shinobu—in that case, for what reason?

"What? Should I not have come without a reason?"

"Are you a childhood friend? My childhood friend doesn't act that spoiled. If it weren't for Hanekawa's support, she might not have even made it to college."

"I just felt like seeing your chaos, oni onii-chan."

"Don't come to see my chaos [kaosu]. At least come to see my face [kao]."

Although as a matter of fact, her timing was pretty chaotic—though the problem was, that chaos didn't show any signs of ending anytime soon.

"Hup."

Ononoki-chan stepped over the window frame and entered into the room—she wasn't a vampire, so she didn't need permission to enter.

How in the world did she knock like that? Was it a magic trick?

"It's true, I really don't have a reason. I was out for work and I just barely arrived home when it turned out that dumbass Tsukihi was in her room. She's studying or something."

She was such an oppressive and insolent middle school third-year that it was unavoidable for her to be called a dumbass, but I guess she's surprisingly diligent when no one's looking, that sister of mine—since Tsukihi thought that Ononoki-chan was a life-sized stuffed doll, she couldn't possibly enter through Tsukihi's window, so the hard worker had no choice but to return home through the alternate route of using my window.

Then, really and truly, how in the world did you knock like that. Did you borrow the power of the yanari phenomenon? Was it a phantom knock?

"However, it looks like I'm intruding upon you guys. Well, busy as I am, I can leave for the attic or whatever, so feel free to continue your discussion—oh, that reminds me."

While I'd been racking my brain trying to figure out a way to detain Ononoki-chan as she was about to make her hasty exit, she stopped just then to feel around her chest, as if she'd just thought of something.

What did that young girl plan on pulling out from her chest?

"Don't tell me you're going to use 'Unlimited Rulebook' to make your breasts huge!? Stop it, stop it! There are some lines you just shouldn't cross, Ononoki-chan!"

"I don't want to be warned about crossing humanity's K-point by someone like you, oni onii-chan. Here. A souvenir."

"A souvenir?"

Had she really gone that far away for work? Even if Ononoki Yotsugi-chan busied herself with urban legends, with Kagenui-san's absence, I figured her current range of activities would not deviate from this neighborhood.

However, when I took what she offered to me, it was not any kind of senbei or cookies indicating "Just visited ______", and instead, a piece of paper that had been folded ultra-thin.

In other words, it was a fortune slip.

Don't tell me she was trying to make the fortune slip she got at some shrine into a souvenir? Because fortune slips and charms and stuff are hard to throw away? Even as I thought, "I'm not going to accept this if it's nothing less than 'great luck'", I opened it up.

"Well. If it isn't a fortune slip from Kitashirahebi Shrine, where that lost girl works as a god," said Shinobu, taking a look at my hands and saying it out loud to make it easy to understand.

Incidentally, the fortune was "average luck".

Average luck.

It wasn't really clear to me if that was good or bad.

"So when you said you were working, you just went to play around with that lost girl, hm? You should've called me, too."

"I didn't go there to play. New as she is, Mayoi-nee-san is a lost child that rules over this town, after all. If I want to be able to do my work properly, I have to go through the proper channels, or else—"

While Shinobu and Ononoki-chan were partaking in a conspiratorial exchange that may have been friendly or unfriendly, I inspected the fortune slip.

Love—Treat your girlfriend preciously!

Studies—Don't let your guard down! Keep going without resting!

Health—Your mind is really in poor health!

Someone Waiting—You should go and see them yourself!

Business—Being a yes-man is dangerous!

What a high-energy oracle...

With her manner of speech, it did feel a lot like Hachikuji... As for the "Business" fortune, if it was referring to my current role as requested by Gaen-san, then "being a yes-man is dangerous" may have been just the advice I wanted to hear.

It was a good feeling.

This must be average luck for the sake of Araragi, averarage luck—but no.

That wasn't what I should be paying attention to. Well, that was important, too, but what I should focus on was—

"Ononoki-chan. You don't need to go to the attic. Until Tsukihi-chan leaves her room, you're free to just hang out here."

I stood up.

"The child seat and its child are going to go out for a late-night drive."

It was time to go and see the person waiting for me.

014

Hachikuji Mayoi had just been a lost grade schooler when I met her last year on Mother's Day, but now she'd become a splendid god. Even if it weren't for this case with the vampire, I knew it wasn't a good idea to visit her so casually due to her position, and I'd been careful not to rely on her (literally, pray to a god). But it was a different story if she was the one to call me.

Gaen-san had ordered me to keep watch over Shinobu, but she hadn't told me that I necessarily had to keep watch over her at home. Despite her previous offense, it wasn't as if Shinobu had been sentenced to house arrest.

But to deliver a message through Ononoki-chan through not a living message nor a dying message nor anything encrypted but a fortune slip of all things... It was surely something only a god could do.

The Kitashirahebi Shrine.

Built on top of a mountain, it was a shrine with deep connections and karma for me, and for everyone in this town.

If I was Lupin III, I could have simply ridden up the mountain in my New Beetle, but alas, I couldn't go against the Road Traffic Act or my own common sense. So I parked my beloved car at the shoulder of the road, placed Shinobu on my shoulders (my shoulders were also a child seat), and began to laboriously climb up the mountain path.

Due to the aftereffects of my vampirism, while I wasn't exactly nocturnal, I was still pretty strong at night—in times like these, I had no need for night-vision goggles.

"However, what business could that lost girl have with you? Does everyone really just want to see my master's chaos?"

Yes, I was curious about that, too. No, not my chaos, but her business with me—Hachikuji should have learned her lesson (or rather, Gaen-san mercilessly beat the lesson into her), so she shouldn't be behaving as freely as she used to.

She wouldn't just invite an ordinary citizen to the top of the mountain without any business—so maybe she had a few words to say about the serial mummy vampire incident secretly going on in this town, after all?

It was easy to get mad at me for this, but if the origin of this vampire's visit was Shinobu, then I had no choice but to take the blame for it, as her supervisor.

It was a violation of a virtuous supervisor's duty of care. Putting aside whether or not I had any virtues as a supervisor.

To be honest, responding to Hachikuji's summons did make me glad that I could gracefully escape from Shinobu's interrogation, but if what Hachikuji had to say had anything to do with this matter once we finished climbing the mountain, it would be a dead end for me.

A girl at the front gate, and a little girl at the back gate.

I had no choice but to hope that it was about something completely different. For example, maybe Hachikuji had decided to appoint me to sit upon not a child seat, but the seat of a god (in which case, I would humbly accept).

Really, I had no idea where my utterly random life was headed anymore. My life wasn't simply going forward, but hurling itself forward. Without coming up with any ingenious plans, the climb was completed.

Hachikuji was sitting under a waterfall in white clothing.

"Oh, how embarrassing. You ended up seeing me secretly trying to train."

"What part of this is secret? I've never seen anything so blatant. It almost felt like you weren't under a waterfall, but under a spotlight."

When did this shrine even have a waterfall?

Don't misuse your godly powers just for laughs.

She hadn't fixed her free-spiritedness at all.

"Oh dear. So this is not what they mean by a beautiful girl, glistening like the morning dew."

Of course not.

With a splash, Hachikuji made her way out of the waterfall basin... She was soaked completely through, and it was not in the least bit romantic. Her trademark twintails had been flattened against her head by the water pressure, and her white clothing clung to her body, making it difficult for her to move.

That open-mindedness. Truly a god.

"Anyway, it has been a while, Amefurashi-san."

"It's certainly been a while, eternal fifth-grader Hachikuji, but just because you're soaking wet, that doesn't mean you can call your friend by the name of a gastropod mollusk. And you're not sopping wet because I made it rain [ame wo furashita] or anything. I'm sorry if you went and got hit by a waterfall just so you could call me that, but my name is Araragi."

"Sorry. I flubbed it."

"No, it was on purpose."

"I fwubbed it."

"It wasn't on purpose!?"

"Ti debbuwf I."

"Even backwards, it wasn't on purpose!?"

No, that had to be on purpose.

And in any case, it really had been a while since I'd been here, but with the usual exchange that made it feel as if it hadn't been any time at all, Hachikuji and I celebrated our reunion.

"I wanted to see you too, Nobushi-san."

"Who are you calling Nobushi. By anagramming it, you've turned a ninja into a samurai. My name is Shinobu... Wait, am I doing this too?"

"Sorry. I flubbed it."

"Nay, 'twas on purpose."

"I fwubbed it."

"'Twas not on purpose!?"

"I fubwebd it."

"Even anagrammed, 'twas not on purpose!?"

With the girl and the little girl chattering away, it seemed pretty fun. Unlike the world of the animation's commentary tracks, they were heartwarmingly close.

Why was it only in the commentary tracks that they didn't get along? It's usually the other way around.

Well, Shinobu, as Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade, had also been exquisitely enshrined as a god in the past, so in that sense, it wasn't just a relationship between a girl and a little girl, but perhaps a senior-junior relationship as well.

A junior, huh? Hmm.

"Anyway, Anagra-san."

"You're prolonging this, aren't you? If you take what you flubbed and link it to a new way of flubbing, this passage will last forever!"

"Anyway anyway, Araragi-san. The reason I went to the trouble of asking the very busy Ononoki-chan to summon you to this mountain at this late hour is none other than this."

Although I was hoping there was another reason.

"The truth is, there was a little girl I wanted to introduce to you, Araragi-san."

"Oho? It sounds like there are some circumstances."

"If you wanted to be introduced to a little girl without any circumstances, you'd have to be totally crazy!"

From the little girl who showed no intention of descending from her seat atop my shoulders even after we'd finished our mountain climb, I received an elbow to the head.

"To be precise, it's not to Araragi-san, but to Shinobu-san."

"Huhu. It seems you're the one that's totally crazy, Shinobu-chan."

"Don't act so proud of yourself with a little girl on your shoulders. And don't shrug your shoulders, either, it clings. There's a right way and a wrong way to shrug your shoulders, you know."

"D-do you really need to go that far? All I did was shrug my shoulders, though?"

"Now, lost girl. What of the little girl you wished to introduce to me?"

"Yes. Right this way."

Hachikuji went up the shrine road on the grounds and towards the main shrine—and we followed in the footsteps of the young god as they were marked down on the ground with wet, bare feet.

"Yes. Just the other day, there was a lost child that came under my custody... Incidentally, she was naked."

"Oh, a naked little girl [youjo], you say? Who knows if that can be adapted for the anime. It's a fine line to walk."

"It's way out of bounds! Clean it up [youjou]!"

She retorted with a pun.

"Clean up the little girls [youjo youjo]!"

You meant, clean up every important point [yousho yousho], right?

Even if you punned on every important point.

"Anyway, it's out of bounds even in a novel, is it not?"

"And yet, it can't be avoided. After all, we're for social awareness, getting straight to the heart of taboos."

"Not for social inappropriateness?"

But, to be serious, I was a little relieved.

I had no idea who this naked little girl was, but apparently it was a completely different case from the matter that I was cooperating with Gaen-san on—the matter with Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster.

And considering Hachikuji's origins, you could say that taking custody of lost children was practically a livelihood for her.

As long as we didn't run into the novel and stupid development that the progenitor who birthed and named the iron-blooded, hot-blooded, cold-blooded vampire was actually a little girl, and a naked little girl at that, then it seemed likely to be unrelated to this case—and the clock had reached its peak around the same time we had reached the peak of the mountain, so there was about 5 hours left until dawn.

If Hachikuji's child [youji], or rather, her business [youji], was business for Shinobu, then it would be ideal if Gaen-san (and the others) could draw the curtain on the gourmet vampire while she was distracted.

And with Kagenui-san still not having returned to the country yet, it was unlikely that Miss Suicidemaster would be suppressed in a violent manner... In that respect, I was thankful for Gaen-san's pacifist nature.

"By the way, Araragi-san. Don't you have anything you want to say to me?"

"Hm?"

"You have that look on your face."

Wow, even though her career was just starting, she was still a god in the end... For her to read my face, my chaos.

However, I'd decided that I wouldn't consult her about this case. It was different from when she didn't have her position—now that she'd become a god, I didn't want to stick Hachikuji in a dilemma between oddities and humans.

"Ha ha. You don't know me as well as you think you do, Araragi-san. You'll never put me in a dilemma, because I'm always on your side, Araragi-san. As long as I'm with Araragi-san, even hell isn't such a bad place."

As she said those deep words of friendship, Hachikuji opened the sliding door to the main shrine, but as soon as she did so, I felt like I'd been struck by a sense of cruel betrayal by that good friend of mine.

On the floor within the main shrine, as if it was a divine object of worship that had been carefully laid to rest, the naked little girl was indeed a naked little girl, but.

The naked little girl was a mummy.

015

Some might argue that a naked little girl was a naked little girl, regardless of whether she was a mummy or not, and others might argue that naked was naked, regardless of whether she was a little girl or not—of course, some would argue that a mummy was a mummy, regardless of whether it was wearing clothes or not.

Just as a mummy was a mummy, regardless of whether it was wearing a high school uniform or a patient's gown—however, the situation had changed. We were now in the grounds of a shrine at night, within the traditional main shrine that was completely unconnected to electric lights, and that diminutive mummy seemed to fit perfectly there, as if it had been made-to-order.

The stage effects were astounding.

Rather than an oddity phenomenon, it was like I was being shown an important cultural treasure—and though I'd temporarily fallen into a panic, I was brought back to my senses by...

"S—Suicidemaster?"

A small voice that came from above me.

A whisper.

At that moment, with Oshino Shinobu calling Ononoki-chan "doll girl", and her calling Hachikuji "lost girl" even after she'd become a god that ruled over the town, I belatedly realized that it was extremely rare for her to refer to someone by name.

Suicidemaster.

Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster—was it?

"Wh—what a mess you've become!"

"O-oi, Shinobu. What, what did you just say?"

"Hee-yah!"

Could she tell that the mummy was her former master, even when it was all dried up?

Even though Shinobu had stubbornly refused to come down from my shoulders even after we reached the summit, she now placed both hands on my head as if it were a vaulting box, spread her legs out magnificently to the left and right, and jumped wide.

And, in the air, she spun twice around before landing, and then rushed up to the mummy of the naked little girl. The little girl was rushing up to the little girl.

"Whoa! Shinobu, be careful—"

Remembering the bitter experience I had faced in a shack on the side of the road to school during the daytime, I panicked and called out to her—however, what I'd feared did not come to pass.

The mummy didn't stir an inch. If I said it like that, then it sounded completely natural, but... Hm? Instead of the difference between wearing and not wearing clothes, and instead of the difference between a high school girl and a young girl, but as a mummy itself—did this individual follow a different providence?

Perhaps I should've also drawn close to check for this mummy's pulse or breathing, but I couldn't seem to move my body very well... It felt like my body wasn't mine. It felt like I'd actually become a child seat, or even a vaulting box.

"Hachikuji..."

"I'll say this now, but it isn't like I stripped this little girl naked for the sake of Araragi-san. The mummified little girl was naked from the beginning."

Um, that wasn't what I planned on asking or anything...

"Also, she hadn't been a mummy in the beginning."

"What do you mean by that? What happened?"

After reflexively rushing up to the mummy, it seemed she hadn't decided on what she'd do next, as Shinobu had been circling the mummy aimlessly before she asked that question to Hachikuji.

"God. What exactly is happening in this town?"

The question wasn't aimed towards me, but because of Shinobu's unprecedented tone of voice, even I couldn't help but feel nervous.

Even now, the administrator of the specialists, Gaen-san, should have been looking around town in pursuit of the unidentified vampire—so why was that unidentified vampire, Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster, assumed to be the culprit behind the mass creation of these mummies, sheltering away in a shrine as a mummy herself?

She's—sheltering away, right?

"......"

At any rate, there was no longer any doubt that Shinobu and I had long since diverged from Gaen-san's plans.

The prime suspect behind the mummifications had turned up as a mummy—it sounded like that old proverb, "the mummy hunter becomes a mummy", but wait. If it followed the proverb, then the next one to become a mummy would be me.

"Shinobu. What state is that mummy in? That naked little girl? I'm already kind of astonished that your progenitor who birthed and named you was actually a little girl, but that's definitely not what a vampire should look like—is she in a zombie-like condition?"

The prime suspect had become the next victim.

It was kind of like a mystery novel, maybe?

"No. If I had to say it, then this is cryptobiosis."

Shinobu responded with a careful, and marveling, voice.

Though a marvelous god was right there.

Cryptobiosis.

In other words, anabiosis.

The ultimate state of suspended animation used as an emergency measure to preserve one's life, that tardigrades, real, non-monstrous creatures said to be as immortal as vampires, used—or so I'd read in a book.

"It's not like a living corpse, but more like in critical condition... Is that why you called us here, lost girl?"

"That's right. I couldn't exactly have a clean conscience if a foreign visitor lost their life in my area of influence—as for what exactly is going on in this town, I would like to ask the same question."

That's why, for the sake of learning the truth.

Araragi-san, I would like you to procure the medicine that will revive this person—said Hachikuji.

"The medicine—what? Procure it—where?"

Is there a pharmacy in this world that would prescribe special medicine with components that would revive vampires, which are immortal by nature?

"It is not in this world. But, it is in the next world. As you are well aware."

"Th-the next world? Even if you say that I'm aware, I don't think I know what you're talking about?"

"You should be well aware, Araragi-san. After all, you visited it quite recently—it's hell."

It's the Blood Pond Hell.

That was what Hachikuji said—the Blood Pond Hell.

Indeed, it was the perfect medicinal ingredient for the vampire's condition, which neither doctors nor the hot springs of Kusatsu would cure.

016

Hachikuji had said something like "If I were to fall to hell with Araragi-san, then it wouldn't be such a bad place," but it seemed that wasn't just figurative—it seemed that I would have to visit hell once again.

To revive the vampire in a mummified, cryptobiotic state—even though I'd thought of this vampire as the fiend going after the members of Naoetsu High's girls' basketball club, I couldn't help but feel some cognitive dissonance at having to move for the sake of this vampire's health. But it was for the sake of investigating the truth.

Even though I'd regretted that spring break so much, to think that I would mobilize to save yet another vampire on the verge of death... It's bloody ironic, is what it is.

In the first place, just because she was discovered in the same (though not exactly the same) state as the high school girls, it didn't mean that the doubts surrounding her—and whether or not this little girl was "D/V/S"—had been cleared up, but there was no doubt that things were getting into the height of confusion.

It had surpassed not only my hypothesis, but Gaen-san's hypothesis as well—the question Shinobu had asked earlier was probably the same question everyone had in mind.

What exactly was happening in this town?

What sort of oddity phenomenon was this?

...Even an unprepared college freshman like me could tell that the fastest way was to ask "the person herself".

Otherwise, even if Shinobu's progenitor was the one responsible for the mummification of those high school girls, I certainly didn't think I could leave this naked little girl as she was... If I didn't clear things up, I wouldn't be able to even apologize to Higasa-chan, who'd provided me with the list of the Naoetsu High girls' basketball team members.

It was like the type of mystery where a necromancer-like detective called upon the spirit of the victim, but of course, this wasn't as convenient as that.

After all, once again, I was going to hell for the sake of a little girl... And this time, for the sake of a naked little girl, I was going to the Blood Pond Hell.

"But how exactly am I supposed to descend to hell? Seeing as I'm a perfect saint, I can't think of a way to do this."

"If you just play around with little girls or your little sisters as usual, wouldn't you just normally go to hell?" said Shinobu.

Even though she was sealed, because of her nature as an oddity, she couldn't accompany me to hell.

Don't joke about something just because it's not your problem.

Well, it was her problem, too.

The vampire who's like a parent to her was on the brink of death—it seemed she wasn't able to keep up with the situation, and although she didn't give off a heavy vibe, it didn't seem like she was able to keep up her antics.

But what about Hachikuji?

Though she was originally a lost child, she was now a god. I didn't think she'd be able to accompany me like she did last time.

In other words, even though she'd said all that so happily, in the end, she wouldn't be able to act as my guide or navigation, and I'd have to fall to hell on my own—what's with it turning out like this as if there was nothing strange about it, as if it was completely ordinary?

"But anyway, good grief. I guess I have no choice but to go. To my home away from home, hell."

"I was about to fall for you a second time. Don't say something so cool. The last time you were in hell, it was only for an hour," said Shinobu.

"It's an unseasonal homecoming."

"What are you saying, for a college student still living in his parents' home?" said Hachikuji.

Harsh criticism from these girls. Especially to a guy that was about to go to hell.

"Well, putting aside how long you spent there. It's your second time, Araragi-san, so you must be used to it by now."

"I wouldn't say that... But at the time, there was a specialist that would allow me to come and go as I pleased."

Right now, what method of transportation could I use exactly? I didn't know if it would take an hour, but I at least wanted to get back before dawn.

"If you went to hell with such a carefree attitude, even the judge of the afterlife would lose face," said Hachikuji.

Despite being the originator of the idea, she sure was bashing me pretty hard.

"Well, it may be a bit artless, but what about using the same method as last time?"

"The same as last time..."

I searched my memories. Yes, it was the previous academic year, the morning of my entrance exams.

Strangely enough, it was right here, at the grounds of the Kitashirahebi Shrine—at the time, Gaen-san had, with no explanation at all, sent me off to hell with something like a surprise attack.

With Demon Blade "Kokorowatari" in hand, she'd chopped my body up into pieces—that was the means of transportation.

I see, in that case, the original owner of that demon blade that was also known as the "Oddity Slayer" was right here—

"Eh? Huh? Then, am I going to be chopped up by Shinobu? A surprising kind of development that had never been done even during that spring break when I was seventeen?"

"Rather than a development, it's more of an expansion plan. Of your body. Shinobu-san, if you would."

"All right."

Arrangements to slice me up were quickly coming into place—Shinobu opened her mouth wide and thrust her hand deep into her throat.

Though Hachikuji had mentioned it was artless, it'd been a while since I'd seen that circus trick—like a magic trick, the oodachi was pulled out of the little girl's body without a sound, glowing with a mysterious light.

Demon Blade "Kokorowatari". The Oddity Slayer.

"Huhuhu. I've been waiting for the opportunity to rudely beat you up like this. How dare you humiliate me by putting me in a child seat!"

"I-I thought you were happy about it! Why are you getting mad at me now!? What's with that weird 'huhuhu'? What happened to your usual way of laughing?"

"Revenge is a soup best served cold."

"I thought we were at a distance where the soup wouldn't get cold! ...By the way, I've never actually seen you wield that sword properly... It's a bit late to ask Gaen-san for help on this now, but are you sure you can actually chop my organs up successfully like she did?"

"Ka ka. Don't look down on me. It's true that not even in the movie version had I gotten the chance to, but allow me to show off my secret techniques now. Everything was for this moment. To send you off to hell!"

"Aren't you a little too passionate about this?"

"Have a taste of the swordsmanship I honed for four hundred years! I'm warning you, this won't just end with your organs being chopped up. My Seishiryuu has seven secret techniques—"

First Technique: "Kyouka Suigetsu".

Second Technique: "Kachou Fuugetsu".

Third Technique: "Hyakka Ryouran".

Fourth Technique: "Ryuuryoku Kakou".

Fifth Technique: "Hika Rakuyou".

Sixth Technique: "Kinjou Tenka".

Seventh Technique: "Rakka Rouzeki".

"—And, unleashing the seven techniques simultaneously, Seishiryuu's final secret technique, 'Shichika Hachiretsu'!"

But at the moment where I wanted to retort that she'd gotten through the whole song and dance, I may have been torn to smithereens.

017

In my third year of high school, when I'd been fighting with the aftereffects of my vampirism (or perhaps fighting against it), I'd gotten rather used to the idea of dying.

In hindsight, I had relied too much on that vampiric immortality, which had remained pronounced even after I'd returned to human form. In other words, I'd been dependent on it.

I'd become addicted to death.

In the end, even though I'd managed to hit upon that one-in-a-million chance of returning to human form, I had found myself spontaneously turning into a full-fledged vampire, even without my blood being sucked—it was kind of like a rebound, or perhaps I was just an idiot who didn't learn his lesson.

The reason Gaen-san chopped my body up into pieces and dropped me into hell was to separate my soul from that immortal nature, that oddity nature, but thinking about it now, maybe I was about to make the same mistake again.

Just as I had grown accustomed to death.

If I ended up growing accustomed to going to hell—then saying that it was fine because it was my second time, or that I'm used to it... Those wouldn't just be jokes.

Ougi-chan would laugh at me, saying, "How foolish you are", while Oikura would get mad at me, saying, "You should just die".

Anyway, so this fool that didn't learn his lesson would once again reach out his hand and step foot into a tour of hell that could shatter mankind's view of life and death—

"...Huh?"

When I awoke, or perhaps when I entered into eternal sleep, I found myself in heaven.

Heaven.

Or maybe it was paradise, or the pure land, or perhaps Eden.

There were many ways to describe it, but anyway, the fantastical landscape that sprawled out before my eyes was completely different from the one I had seen when I'd last been sliced up, and it was one that I had never seen before... What in the world?

Normally, I would describe it as a beauty that could not be painted, but the scene—this landscape filled with light—looked as if I'd entered into a painting. Or, to put it another way, I had only seen such a scene before in paintings.

If I had to make use of my poor vocabulary, well, I guess I could say it was a beautiful example of Mother Nature... But the impression I got was more, "Is it okay for someone like me to be here?" I felt really out of place.

Out of place, and just wrong.

As if I'd accidentally wandered into the jewelry area of a department store.

With rolling green plains, a mountain range with distinctive ridges far off in the distance, and not a single cloud in the beautiful blue sky—the trees were lush and ripe with fruit, and the flowers were in full, multicolored bloom.

Even the air was delicious.

I wasn't a hermit that could live off of breathing mist, but it felt like just by inhaling, I could add a hundred years to my lifespan... Although, far from extending my lifespan, wasn't I supposed to have lost my life after being cut into pieces?

Wasn't I supposed to have fallen to hell?

"Urk... So basically, instead of falling to hell, I messed up and went to heaven? Ah, jeez, this is a problem. I guess whoever's watching is watching what I do on a regular basis."

"That's exactly right. You aren't as bad of a person as you think you are."

In order to break out of my confusion and break down the current situation, I tried to calm myself down by muttering something stupid (my self-control technique—surprisingly effective), but to my surprise, even though I'd thought no one was nearby, a voice spoke from behind.

Someone caught me talking to myself!

Normally, I would've ended up writhing in shame, but the gentle voice, as clear as (or even clearer than) the air around me, calmed me down as opposed to agitating me—I turned around.

The fact that there was a naked beautiful woman there did not make me lose my cool, either.

After a naked little girl, a naked beautiful woman.

What a series of events.

However, just like how the naked little girl was a mummy, the naked beautiful woman also had a third condition—or rather, more strictly speaking, I couldn't determine if the naked beautiful woman was a true beauty or not.

Because the beauty was wearing a demon mask.

A demon mask... To expand it into more words, a mask with a demon's face.

An adult woman that was liberally nude, but whose face was completely hidden by a mask... After finishing high school and entering college, I'd had a hint of hope that my life would become more adult in the future, but it had proceeded to become more adult in a strange way.

Not just lewd in the way I had hoped, but erotic and grotesque in an Edogawa Ranpo sort of way.

"......"

However, was it just my imagination?

That adult woman... That masked, fully nude beauty... I felt like I'd met her before. Even though I couldn't see her face, I could see her long, long blonde hair coming out from behind her mask, and her beautiful body lines that made her seem as if she was closed in a thin robe, even if she wasn't wearing anything. I felt like I had seen her before...

"I apologize for the way I look, Araragi-sama."

Oh my.

Though I didn't say it out loud.

I wasn't sent into a panic, but I was honestly not sure how to react to the gentle voice coming from behind the mask... Was this person someone I knew?

Was that even possible, considering where we were?

Since she had a demon mask, maybe this was hell after all? Was she one of hell's tormentors? If you hit the books, you'll find that hell really is full of diversity, encompassing every possible variation... Among those, there might even be a hell where a tall, sexy, naked, blonde, buxom beauty wears a demon mask and tortures the dead.

"I'm embarrassed to have appeared before you wearing a mask."

She seemed more ashamed of hiding her face than of exposing her nakedness—well, I'd suspected her of being a tormentor of hell, but this beautiful woman, like the landscape that stretched out behind her, looked like a woman that had been depicted in an artistic painting, and there was not a sliver of guilt or indecency anywhere on her body.

Or rather, I even felt that this landscape had actually been made for the sake of this beautiful woman—that was how much her naked body shined.

Perhaps, in actuality, if she hadn't been wearing a demon mask, the eyes of someone like me would have been blinded by the brilliance... Ah, is that why she's hiding her face like this?

So that her beauty wouldn't hurt me—her beauty?

"P—Princess Beauty?"

"Yes. There are those that call me by that name. But while you are here, I would like it if you called me Princess Acerola."

That was what she said.

That was what she—before she was Oshino Shinobu, before she was even Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade—Princess Acerola, a literal beauty who had destroyed her country with her unparalleled physical and mental beauty—said.

That was what the beautiful woman in heaven said.

018

"We are in heaven, so being without clothes is more natural. It is the natural order of things—if I may be so bold as to suggest this, it would be more unnatural for me to be clothed, as you are right now, Araragi-sama. Why not undress as well?"

"Should I? All right."

"Please do not decide to undress so readily."

So which is it?

But it was true that, if I were to be so brazenly nude, it would make me feel wrong—but "Princess Beauty", Princess Acerola.

I remembered.

Strictly speaking, I had never actually met this goddess before... At least not in this world, in this actual world.

I won't exactly go into the details because it wasn't something that actually happened, but in the period of time after I graduated from Naoetsu High and before I entered Manase University, I crossed through the looking-glass and was honored with an audience with "Princess Beauty".

Her beauty was such that it made me want to die just by facing her—even then, we'd only spoken with a curtain between us, but I'd nearly ended up killing myself, just as the people of the kingdom she destroyed had done.

"Well... I guess you could say I am convinced. 'Princess Beauty'... Princess Acerola, I could not possibly complain against you being a resident of heaven."

Uh-oh. My tone of voice was already getting weird.

That made sense.

I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't just a resident of heaven, but the queen of heaven.

Despite the great expanse of these plains, there was no one else in sight, so it was possible that Her Majesty had already destroyed heaven as well... Well, I was only joking, though.

Anyway, there was nothing unusual about Princess Acerola being in heaven... What was unusual was that Araragi Koyomi was here.

Just as Hachikuji and Shinobu had explicitly and implicitly asserted, I myself had decided that I would go to hell if I died—but then, what was I doing, ascending to heaven?

"That is because I invited you here, Araragi-sama."

"Ah, I see. So it was something like that. That makes perfect sense."

"Teehee. Oh, Araragi-sama, that wasn't something that should've convinced you so quickly."

It was a highly sophisticated retort accompanied by a pleasant laugh.

Considering she was going along with my antics, she wasn't just beautiful and kind, but a good person as well—but, "teehee".

It was worlds apart from that little girl who would laugh, "ka ka".

Was this person truly the predecessor to that insolent, inhuman girl?

"...Just like how I was separated from my vampiric nature and fell to hell. Princess Acerola, six hundred years ago, when you transformed into Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade, did that beautiful soul of yours that 'died' end up separating and ascending to heaven?"

To force an analogy, it would be something like that.

I couldn't tell what her expression was behind the demon mask, but the naked human body was a surprisingly eloquent thing—by moving her body, Princess Acerola affirmed my guesswork without even needing to open her mouth.

Or rather, this goddess seemed to inadvertently be posing while talking—I'd heard she didn't like it herself, but it seemed that the unintentional beauty of her gestures had seeped into the marrow of her soul as well as the marrow of her bones.

I couldn't lose to her.

Time for a slightly peculiar conversation.

"However, what may have been the reason for you to so graciously invite a humble person such as myself to this place..."

"...It seems the demon mask isn't enough. Araragi-sama, please lend me your shoes."

"Okay. As you wish."

Princess Acerola took the sneakers that I respectfully offered her and put them on her feet... The naked beauty was wearing men's sneakers with a demon mask equipped.

That slight hint of discomfort brought me back to my senses.

Suddenly [俄] brought me back to myself [我].

Considering the addition of that 'person' radical [⺅], it was a scene that made me wonder about my status as a person.

At the very least, I didn't think heaven would grant me a visa.

"Why did you call me to heaven, Princess Acerola? I needed to visit the Blood Pond Hell to get its water, that is, its blood..."

"Instead of discussing such things, please forget everything and come with me, Araragi-sama. This is a recreation of my birthplace."

She was a good person, but she truly was a princess, going on at her own pace... She entered into a review of the landscape.

A beautiful princess's review of a beautiful landscape.

"My birthplace happens to be the first of many countries that I brought to ruin."

"......"

Countries.

The first of many—it was a weighty statement.

And, as a siren-like beauty, she was the first, and most likely, the last.

"I am not sure how to respond to that qualification. I may have to resign myself to it—not to mention, it's possible that someone among your friends could become something similar in the future."

Hm? Who could she be talking about?

If it's one of my friends with influence on the level of countries, then I can only think of Hanekawa...

"...I'm not sure if the idea of a country being destroyed by beauty really makes sense to me... Princess Acerola, are you sure those countries weren't destined for ruin anyway, even without you there?"

It may have sounded like I wasn't really thinking about it, but I couldn't keep quiet about it... There was no need to take on everything as her own responsibility—as unlimited liability.

This didn't have to do with the girls' basketball team's collective responsibility, but the princess's back was far too dainty to bear the burden of all that—however, dainty as it was, it was by no means so frail that it would break if you touched it.

I knew that very well, because she was naked.

You could tell, that back was very robust.

"Even the prosperous inevitably decay. No, every beautiful thing will die someday—is that what you wish to tell me? Araragi-sama. If that's the case, I must say that I have been too greedy in obtaining eternity by having my blood sucked by Suicidemaster."

Princess Acerola's shoulders drooped. Her beautiful shoulders.

That's right—the legend of Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster that Shinobu had told me had been quite biased, and although she had told me this and that, on and off, about the vampire's character, she had barely touched upon the specifics of how "Princess Beauty" had become "Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade"—how "Princess Beauty" had become the "iron-blooded, hot-blooded, cold-blooded vampire".

Did she perhaps do that on purpose?

Or maybe she forgot about it because it was six hundred years ago—normally, an event so important would never be forgotten, so it would usually be interpreted as her just being reluctant to speak of it... But this was Shinobu, after all, so forgetting about it was totally possible.

She was so lax that she may have forgotten that she was once human, over the course of that long life of hers—after seeing me wishing to become human again, she'd said it had reminded her of something she hadn't thought about in a long time.

...I wonder what she was like back then?

I'd heard of the story when Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade had been enshrined as a god, just as Hachikuji was now and Sengoku had once been in the past—and when she gave that up and continued to be a demon. But what state of mind had she been in when she turned from a human into a vampire?

Had she ever thought that she wanted to be human again?

Or perhaps—had she quickly forgotten about when she was human?

As I'd mentioned earlier, I had to finish my business quickly and come back to life, so I didn't have time for a picnic with a naked beauty. But seeing as I'd suddenly gotten the chance to have a question-and-answer session, I couldn't help but want to ask a whole bunch of things.

For now, I'll try asking one thing. The most important of them all.

"Excuse me. If you do not mind, would you please deign to inform me of the size of that ample bosom of yours? Ah, this isn't for anything indecent. I simply wanted to bequeath to you a gift of lingerie."

"Araragi-sama. Asking that of a woman you've just met is not exactly praiseworthy. I do have the awareness that it was just a joke to lighten the mood, but I think you should refrain from saying things you will regret ten or even twenty years later."

She reprimanded me normally. Reprimanded by a princess. A naked princess.

When in front of a princess at the level that could make me kill myself due to being made aware of my own diminutiveness, it was less a joke to lighten the mood and more a technique for my own survival—however, I'm probably the only person that would take care to not kill themselves while in heaven.

"I—regretted it. The fact that I lived."

"......"

"I should have died. Before I even met Suicidemaster."

At first, I thought that she meant that she didn't want to be a vampire, that she wished to be human again, just like me. But when she continued, I realized that she meant the exact opposite.

"For that reason, I ended up placing a heavy, heavy burden on Suicidemaster."

This princess. She didn't regret having her blood be sucked.

She regretted making her suck her blood.

To this day, not a day has gone by that I haven't regretted my spring break when I was seventeen, when I helped and fought against vampires. But I don't think I had ever regretted it in the same way she did.

"And so—even while I knew it was an outrageous act, I couldn't help but pull you up as you were about to go to hell for her."

It seemed the conversation had circled back around.

Well, for a princess who is not only beautiful in appearance but beautiful in mentality, she surely would not display any self-centered conversation skills, even if she did go at her own pace.

"If the me that has become your partner, the me that you know, has forgotten all about the me that is right here, then that is not because the six hundred long years of her life has worn those memories away, but because she hated me, hated me to the point that it couldn't be helped."

"...Is that also regret?"

No.

She'd avoided even regret itself.

That's why—she made it as if it never happened.

She'd convinced herself that she'd been a born vampire.

If she was a vampire with the astonishing technique of physically tinkering with her brain to recover lost memories, then perhaps even the opposite was possible.

"Indeed. What I regretted, filling myself with regret to the point that I might burst, was not that I had become a vampire, but that I had been a human before that. That I had been a princess—that I had been myself."

"To the point that that chest of yours might burst—"

"Araragi-sama."

She stopped me just by calling my name—it seemed that even these rude jokes might end with me killing myself.

Now that I was in my first year of college, I wouldn't do anything like get flustered by the naked bodies of women, but at the same time, it felt like it would be even ruder to be all composed and unwavering in front of a nude woman behaving in a dignified manner.

It seemed to me like my etiquette as a gentleman was being tested.

"And so, that must be why I was separated from my soul, and this half-baked soul of mine was sent to heaven—a fitting punishment for me."

A soul where even heaven was punishment.

It was difficult for the average person to understand that feeling, but it seemed that, just as Oshino Shinobu and I held an inseparable bond, so did Princess Acerola and Suicidemaster—so much so that they had to be separated.

When Shinobu had been reminiscing, she'd spoken of her master with such ease that it was hard to believe that they held such a fierce relationship, as if she was like a college student talking about a senior from her hometown (a common occurrence—how envious)—so, essentially, she'd forgotten why she forgot, and she'd forgotten why she wanted to forget, forgetting everything altogether.

It sounded stupid when I put it like that, but when I saw the separated Princess Acerola in front of me like this, it wasn't a laughing matter.

"I'm sure you are here because you've accepted it, and I don't have the intention, nor the qualification, to console you, but isn't that something you shouldn't be worrying about...? Because, after all, vampires are destined to suck blood—"

"I can say this only because I have been a vampire myself, but a vampire sucking blood does have a different nuance than, say, Mr. Lion or Mr. Bear attacking humans."

Mr. Lion or Mr. Bear?

Why was she acting like a fairytale princess for children for just that?

"I think it is unreasonable to talk about vampires who prey on humans in the same vein as carnivorous animals. Though I am glad to hear you say such words."

"No... I'm sorry that words are all I have."

No, maybe I'd said too much.

It was possible that I really didn't have the intention of consoling Princess Acerola, and while I was acting like I was talking to her, I was really talking to myself.

It wasn't something to worry about.

But I should still worry about it. For the rest of my life. Or perhaps, for eternity.

"However."

Said Princess Acerola.

"If those points are to be considered similar—then it would mean that I had ended up changing the ecosystem of endangered animals. And that is, perhaps, an even greater sin."

"......?"

What did she mean by that? Ecosystem?

Before I could question the meaning of that monologue (which I couldn't just let pass, seeing as I was more or less majoring in the sciences), she continued. "It may be too late now, but I want to help Suicidemaster, even if it means protecting an endangered species," she declared.

She declared, beautifully.

"That will not lessen the weight of my sin, and it is possible it will only lead to my regrets worsening even further. But even so, I intend to do what I have to do."

What she has to do.

What she has to regret.

"I can no longer turn a blind eye to the present situation, and leave Suicidemaster in the state she's in."

The naked little girl.

Well, the nakedness wasn't relevant—the mummified little girl.

The mummy that had dried up so much—it was hard to even look at.

"—Basically, Princess, it wasn't that you were trying to prevent me from visiting hell in search of a cure, but that you saw me about to descend into hell, and thought, 'He isn't that bad of a person.' And then you pulled me up for the sake of saving Miss Suicidemaster, right?"

"Yes. I truly do not believe you are that bad of a person, Araragi-sama."

Even her honesty had a virtuous beauty to it.

It was to the point that I wanted to introduce her to the members of the Pretty Boy Detective Club, who I had befriended the other day.

"If I were your friend, I think I would recommend that you take a leisurely trip to hell at another opportunity."

If the princess who destroyed countries was going to recommend a vacation like that, then it seemed I would have to reevaluate the way I lived. But in that case, I would gratefully accept her support.

If I could, I would borrow even the help of a cat (though the Araragi style of doing things was "I would borrow specifically the help of a cat"), but if it was the princess herself offering her hand, then I couldn't not kneel down and kiss her.

"You said this was a recreation of your birthplace, Princess Acerola—um, can I find a Blood Pond Hell in heaven, too? Somewhere that's fairly close by, and easy to procure from—"

"There is no Blood Pond Hell in heaven. There is none in this world, in the same way there is no place here where either me or Araragi-sama can belong."

I was told something pretty terrible.

But, well, of course... In that case, it would be the Blood Pond Heaven. I couldn't help but imagine a Blood Pond Heaven as something sumptuous and immoral.

It didn't seem heaven-like.

So, if she didn't invite me to a haven where I didn't belong to recommend a cheaper generic drug with the same effectiveness but at a lower price...

"Could it possibly be that we were off the mark this whole time? Are you warning me that ladling out a cup of medicine from the Blood Pond Hell won't be the wonder drug to revive Miss Suicidemaster like we were thinking?"

Well, it wasn't the kind of treatment you'd find in a "Family Medicine" book... It had been a suggestion from none other than Hachikuji Mayoi, not only a god, but also someone who had had experience in hell.

To put it one way, it was like folklore that had been thought up by folklore; to put it another way, I may as well have been trying to go to hell to pray for rain.

Like a meaningless sacrifice, or a sacrifice chosen by lottery...

"No, no, it is not like that at all. As a treatment for Suicidemaster in that state... Yes, it would be Ultra-C."

She'd worded things in a way a youngster like me would get... Unfortunately, there was a significant margin of error, but I was glad for her concern.

"The Blood Pond Hell, a soup simmered with the karma of people, can act as a health drink not just for Suicidemaster, but for any vampire in the world... However."

That person surely will not drink it.

She surely will not accept it.

That was what Princess Acerola asserted.

"Because she's a gourmet. An epicure, and a high-class one, at that—she will never consume anything that doesn't go along with what she wants."

When she said that, I remembered what Shinobu had told me about Suicidemaster's personality.

She would only eat the lives of whoever she killed herself.

In that way, she was quite the stoic vampire.

"The Blood Pond Hell, if you will, is a buffet of sorts, filled with the blood of people in every possible variation. Do you like buffets, Araragi-sama?"

"Huh? Well, I guess."

The buffets that I was familiar with were mainly the sweets buffets that I was taken to by my girlfriend, but the glamorous party-like atmosphere was very exciting.

In that case, perhaps I could expect a similar sort of placebo effect from the Blood Pond Hell—however.

"Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster prefers service a la carte."

Said Princess Acerola, continuing the analogy.

"The idea of that new god was rather flexible, and I would value it as rather original. However, in this world, there are some patients that refuse to accept rational treatment—there are some that refuse to even see a doctor."

People that wanted to die naturally, huh.

They didn't want to live long to the point of defying their fate—well, that also concerned the matter of euthanasia or death with dignity, so it wasn't something that a youngster like me could talk about lightly. But there were certainly people that thought that way.

"A youngster, you say? Please don't abandon that thought, and keep thinking about it. You already have the right to vote, after all."

And why are you so knowledgeable about the state of Japanese politics?

Is everything we do, including right now, completely transparent to heaven? In that case, does that mean that the princess knows the truth behind this incident?—I nonchalantly tried to fish for information.

"If Miss Suicidemaster is such a gourmet, or rather, such a picky eater—then she's likely to be biased towards the targets she attacks as a vampire, right?"

For example, high school girls. More specifically, the members of a high school girls' basketball team.

"I would like to ask you not to probe for information. The fact that I could arrange this point of contact with you is not exactly commendable in itself."

Oof. It was a little hard to press for information if she told me that directly.

Or rather, I was pretty embarrassed that she'd figured out I was trying to probe for information.

"No matter what, I will always be on the side of Suicidemaster. It is like testimony from a family member—please consider my words to be unreliable."

"......"

"However, it is not that I know everything about this, either... The only advice that I can give you, Araragi-sama, is that if you wish to obtain the wonder drug that will become the nectar for Suicidemaster, then instead of getting it from a drink bar with variations of blood, you should extract that blood from someone that has been carefully selected."

For example.

For example, the blood of someone like me.

With that, "Princess Beauty", the completely nude princess, raised a hand to the demon mask upon her face.

Huh? Was she going to take it off?

Why now?

"Please close your eyes."

Being asked to do so, I finally (even though it should have been the first thing I did when I saw an adult woman in the nude) closed my eyes.

Because of her brilliance, an ordinary person would be blinded if they looked directly upon her countenance—that was how dangerous it was to look upon the beauty of "Princess Beauty".

She knew that from the very beginning.

That's why, even in heaven where exposing your body was the basis and nudity was the dress code, she appeared before me wearing a demon mask—so then, why was she suddenly trying to take off the mask now, without any context?

"That is, of course," the princess said.

I couldn't tell for because I'd already shut my eyes, but she must have already taken off her mask, for the sound of her voice had become even more beautiful—that muffled sound that came from behind the mask was gone.

And that voice was extremely close.

I had no idea when she had gotten that close, to the point that I could feel her breath.

That beautiful voice was coming from a distance where our lips were almost touching each other.

"If I am still wearing a mask, then I cannot place my lips on top of yours."

"Wha?"

"That was the reason why I asked you to close your eyes—"

I didn't understand what Princess Acerola meant when she spoke to me in an admonishing way, and though I opened my mouth to ask what she actually meant.

She shut me up with a kiss.

12 notes · View notes

mila-dans · 5 years ago

Text

Spells Out Trouble: Escape (The Pina Colada Song)

This is chapter nine AND the last chapter of “Spells Out Trouble.” Masterlist Here!

Chapter Eight: Long Train Runnin’

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word count: 6237

Summary: You have been with the Winchesters for several years now going through all the literal trials and tribulations with them. What happens when Dean gets hit by a love spell and becomes head-over-heels for you? Will your pushed down emotions finally rise or will you get in over your head? Find out what happens when your best friend’s hard exterior becomes mush whenever you end up in his eyeline.

Just so you know: This is my first Fanfic so sorry if there are aspects missing. This has been so fun to write and I am so happy that people like it. This will be the last chapter so thank you to those who’ve been with the story since the beginning. Thank you and I hope you enjoy it! (Also, not my gif! - @rainbow-motors)

You ran out from the infirmary, trying to get away. You could still hear him.

“You should be dead! It should’ve been you! You killed your parents!”

You raced up the stairs. You weren’t quick enough.

“It was your fault they died! You killed them! It was all your fault you piece of sh-”

Slam

----------------------------

Bzz. Bzz. Bzz.

Bzz. Bzz. B-Whack.

You rubbed your eyes, trying to get the sleep out of them. They were sore. Apparently, crying yourself to sleep every night for a month doesn’t leave your eyelids feeling rejuvenated. One months. One god awful month since you ran out of the bunker and never looked back.

You sat up in your bed, moving the sheets around thinking of how much easier it would be to just crawl right back underneath them. It would be easy, sure, but you have stuff to do. And that stuff being leaving credit card trails in far away places just in case Sam was still looking for you. You threw out your cellphone a while back, trading it for one that the boys couldn’t track. You didn’t even know if they were still on the hunt for you. Either way, it didn’t matter. You didn’t want to be found.

You walked to the bathroom, starting your morning routine. Washing face, brushing teeth, combing hair. This was just about the only constant you had in your life currently. A routine. You would leave and find a new hotel, new car, new credit card and new fake name every week. You would say that you were on the run but in order to call it that, you’d have to know what you were running from.

Were you running from Dean? The words that still echoed in your head? The pain of your heartbreaking? Or was it a mix? It seemed like your life just got ripped to shreds. That feeling of your heart crumpling is something that never went away. You missed them. You missed him.

Dean’s reaction was something that you never could’ve even imagined. You thought names would be called and harsh words would be said, but never did you think that Dean would try to shoot you. If it wasn’t for Castiel stepping in front of the bullet just in time, you would be dead as a doornail.

His words, they haunted you. There was only one time that Dean Winchester had ever come close to being like that. It was different back then. You still don’t know why he acted the way he did. Looks like now you’ll never know.

----------------------

Two years ago. Florence, Alabama. Jillian’s Diner.

You sat in the booth with Sam, trying to wipe the excess of Hellhound blood off of your face.

It was the time of the trials. You, Dean, and Sam had all been fighting over who gets to shut the gates of hell forever. Lucky you, it just so happened that you had on the glasses and a knife in hand. You managed to kill the mutt before it killed Sam. Drenched in the blood from a hound of hell. All you had to do was mumble a little Latin and the first trial was one and done.

The two of you waited for Dean to arrive at the diner. He was out in the woods, hunting with the idiots who sold their soul in the first place when it all went down. Sam had given him a call telling him where you two were getting your nutrients.

You didn’t mention to Sam and sure as hell wouldn’t tell Dean what you felt like inside. It hurt on a whole other level. Your forearm was killing you. It was as if a chainsaw was stuck inside you and just kept hacking away. You knew it would only get worse but whatever the cost, it would be worth it. Slamming the gates of hell. Forever.

“You alright?” Sam asked as he wiped the last bit of blood off of your face.

“Yeah,” you replied with a smile. “How about you? I know that you were pretty determined to gut the mutt.”

“Eh, sure but, I don’t care who it is so long as we lock the demons up and throw away the key.” Sam chuckled and you smiled.

“It’s gonna be so great when they are gone. Think about it: no more demons. No Crowley!” You say with glee as the thought leaves you happy.

Slam

“What?” Sam says as he turns around in the seat to see who opened the door.

There stands Dean. He looks mad. Very mad.

“Dean?” Sam questions as his brother stomps over to the table with a deadly gaze directed at you.

“What the hell were you thinking?!” Dean shouts, causing a jump from everyone in the place, yourself included.

“Dean!” You reply, trying to get him to calm down. He just continues to stare at you. Maddened.

“Why did you do it?! Why?!” He continues shouting.

Sam stands up from his seat and goes over to Dean, “What the hell, man?” He whispers. “You need to calm down,” he says with a stern tone.

“No! I will not calm down!” Dean says as he pushes Sam away.

The waiters and waitresses start to come and view the fight. You still remain in your seat with the rabid Dean hovering over you.

“Take it outside, Dean,” Sam whispers as he takes notice of the people watching. He knows that if Dean gets out of hand, a lot of people could get hurt. He pushes Dean towards the door but not before Dean can push back.

“Fine! You want me to take it outside? Then I’ll take it outside!” Dean replies as he marches back over to you, grabbing you by the arm and shoving you out the door.

“What the hell, Dean?!” You shout as Sam tries to pull Dean’s hand away from your arm.

“‘What the hell?!’ ‘What the hell?!’ How about what the hell were you thinking by doing the trial?!”

“What?!” You say as Dean starts pacing, trying to hold himself back. “That’s what this is about?!” Dean nods aggressively at you. “I did the trial! So what?”

“‘So what?!’” Dean starts going over towards you again but Sam stops him resulting in a few hits to be thrown.

“Knock it off!” You yell as you pull the beaten brothers from one another. You stand Dean up and try to check on him but he just swats you away. “Dean,” you say grimly, “what is your problem? And talk. Don’t yell. Don’t punch,” you order.

Dean takes a few steps then falls on a bench. You go over to Sam who has blood dripping down from the side of his face.

“How could you be so stupid?” Dean asks you.

“I’m sorry?” You reply, unsure of if Dean just insulted you.

“Seriously. How could you be that stupid? I honestly want to know,” Dean chuckles a little.

“You better watch your mouth, Winchester,” you say as you struggle to control yourself. “I’d choose your next words very wisely.”

“Dean, what is wrong with you?” Sam asks.

Dean just laughs.

“What has gotten into you?” You add.

“I’m pissed off!” He shouts.

“Because I did the trials?”

“That’s exactly why!”

“What’s it to you? The gates are gonna close. Does it really matter who locks it up?”

“Yes! It does matter!” Dean says as he rubs his hands through his hair. “It matters a lot.”

“Is this just because you wanted to do it?” Sam asks.

“Yeah, is this just some stupid ego-hero thing, Dean?” You ask as you look at the agitated Dean.

“No, that’s no--that’s not what it is,” Dean sighs. “Just, why did you have to do it, Y/N? Why?”

“I did it because I just so happened to do it! Okay?” You say sarcastically. “Could you just for once not try and be the one who saves the day? Can you just stow your crap?”

“We don’t know what the trials could do to you, Y/N.”

“So?! You were gonna do them! Just cause you like sacrificing yourself at every chance you get doesn’t mean you have to!”

“That’s not why! That’s no--” Dean stops.

“‘That’s not’ what, Dean? Finish what you were gonna say!” You order.

Dean exhales with a smile. He shakes his head and stands back up from the bench. He walks past you.

“Are you gonna answer me?” You ask. Dean goes over to the car and gets in. “Nice, Dean! Real mature!” He drives off and you turn your attention towards Sam. “Do you know what that was about?”

“No,” Sam answers as he brushes his hair out of his face. “No clue.”

----------------------

And just like that, Dean never talked about it again. He just left pissed off but eventually came back around to his usual annoying self. All you knew is that Dean really liked to be the one to die or get killed. He’d jumped in front of the gun for you more times than once. Never did you think he’d end up shooting at you.

Even though he was mad at you back then, it was nothing compared to how you left him.

You are worthless! You are nothing! You are some bastard that doesn’t even deserve to live!

No.

You should be dead! It should’ve been you! You killed your parents!

Stop.

It was your fault they died! You killed them! It was all your fault you piece of sh-

I said stop!

No matter what you told yourself, no matter how hard you tried to forget, or how hard you tried to block it out, his words played like a broken record in your head. Over and over, and over, and over. Even Jim, Jack, and Jose couldn’t take the edge off. Nothing could. Nothing can.

----------------------

All you could think about was Dean. God, he was stuck in your brain like glue. Even a month later and you couldn’t stop.

----------------------

You had just gotten back from a grocery store downtown and made your way into the motel room. It had been two months now that you were away from the bunker.

It hurts so bad.

You missed your family. You missed your home. You missed Baby. You missed Dean. You missed Cas. You missed Sam.

You went to collapse on your bed as the floodgates opened and all sorts of tears and emotions came out. You couldn’t handle it all alone. It took everything in you to not call Sam and crawl back to him knowing that he would help carry the burden. He always had. He was like the big brother you always wanted. He was your brother.

You reached for your phone but the thought of Dean stopped you from going any further.

What if he still wants to kill me? What if he tries to? What if he's managed to convince them that I am everything he said and less? Why was I so stupid? Why am I here? What am I doing? I should come back home. They miss me, I’m sure. I miss them. I miss all of them. I miss playing chess with Cas. I miss researching with Sam. I miss looking at Dean every time he looked away from me.

Even when Dean was annoying, you still loved that he gave you attention. You loved it whenever he would call your name. You loved it when--when--you loved Dean. Everything about him. Burdens and all. You had spent so long trying to push all of your feelings down and away but ever since… ever since the spell, those emotions arose. Now you suffer the pain of heartbreak. You suffer the pain of losing everything. Everyone.

------------------------

It wasn’t but a day later that you had managed to over sleep. It wouldn’t be that bad if it wasn’t fourteen days now that you were in the same motel. The routine kind of got lost and you gave in to the sight of your bed and ‘On Demand’ on the television.

Knock. Knock.

You heard at the door as you turned off Game of Thrones.

Crap.

This is what happens when you binge. You go into a pit of never ending stories, plot lines, character arcs, and some amazing lighting. The wonders of television.

Knock. Knock.

Right. You take a deep breath. You figure that it is the motel manager complaining that you have the volume too loud. To be honest, it’s not your fault that they make the sound too quiet.

Knock. Knock.

“Coming!” You shout as you crawl out of bed and fax your clothes so it doesn’t look like you’ve been laying in bed all week.

Knock. Knock.

“I’m coming!” You say again as you turn the knob to open the door. You take a glance at the silhouette of a man in your doorway. The sun shines in your eyes and it takes a minute for the sight to settle. You see him. And it sure as hell ain’t the manager. “You’ve got to be kidding me!” You yell as you slam the door shut.

Bam

The door flies back open and you corner yourself in the room, trying to find something, anything.

“Two months and I get a slammed door in my face?” He asks.

“What the hell are you doing here?!” You ask as you terror in fear as he walks in the room, shutting and locking the door behind him.

“Wow, what a greeting!” He says sarcastically. You search for an escape and set your eyes on the bathroom. “I need to talk to you, Y/N.”

“Get the hell away from me, Dean!”

Dean Winchester. Cornering you yet again. The bathroom being your only escape.

You run towards the bathroom as Dean chases after your. “Don’t--” Dean tries to say as he nearly grabs you before he gets another door slammed in his face. “Really, Y/N? Again?”

“Go away!” You order as you lock the bathroom door.

“I told you, I need to talk to you.”

“You can go to hell!” You say as you look towards the window. You try to open it but it won’t budge.

“Yeah,” Dean says from the other side of the door, “that’s not gonna work, sweetheart.” You can practically hear his smirk. You sigh as you realize that you are locked in the bathroom. The only way out is through Dean Winchester which you have to say, you have mixed feelings about.

“Let me out of here!” You command.

��Hey, I’m not the one who locked herself in the bathroom. Besides, we need to talk and I’m not going to talk to a door,” Dean replies.

“Well I’m not talking to you!” You respond.

“Fine then.”

“Fine!” You shout as you search for another escape. Nothing. There is nothing. Dean even made sure that the window was locked from the outside, complete with a note that said “not this time. :)”

Great.

You sat down on the floor, starting the waiting period for Dean to leave.

-------------------

It had nearly been twenty minutes at least. You could still hear Dean on the other side of the door. You could only think about the situation.

Dean was here. With you. You had no backup. No help. No defense. Like always, you were screwed. Now’s the time when you wish you had a spare knife in your shoe or even a lighter in your pocket. You didn’t know what Dean this was. It could be a whole other crazy by now. Sure he didn’t seem aggressive like he was before but you couldn’t trust him. The last time you saw him, he literally tried to kill you.

“Are you still there?” You asked as you pressed your face closer to the crack under the door.

“Yup,” he answered almost tiredly.

“What are you doing?” You asked cautiously.

“Right now? Well, right now I’m taking a nap since you are being stubborn.”

“I am not being stubborn!” You reply defensively.

“That right there is called stubbornness, sweetheart.” You could hear Dean laugh a little.

--------------------

About ten more minutes of silence passed.

“You know? I never took anyone else there,” Dean let out.

“What?” You ask, unsure if this was a trap. Dean always knew how to push your buttons.

“I said, I never took anyone else there.”

“What does that mean?”

Silence.

“Dean,” you try again with your curiosity getting the better of you. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, I’m sorry? Are you talking to me?” Dean replies. “Cause I didn’t know doors could talk!”

“Dammit, Dean!” You say knowing that he won’t answer you unless you open the door. You can picture him smiling as you think out the situation.

This isn’t like crazy Dean. Or other crazy Dean. He seemed normal enough.

“If I open the door, will you kill me?” You ask bluntly.

Silence.

“Oh, come on!” You shout in frustration. You were both stubborn but you both knew Dean was the worst. “Give me something here. At least let me know that I won’t die if I open the door!”

“Hm… I can’t promise that. I mean, you may get shot at by an intruder or there could be an earthquake or there could be a lighting storm where lighting comes straight down, bust through the ceiling, and goes right for y--”

“Okay! I get it!” You roll your eyes and cautiously open the door. You see Dean sitting with his back against the wall, very closely mirroring your own position. “You happy now?” You ask sarcastically.

“Um, sure,” Dean answers with a smile.

“So what did you mean by ‘never took anyone else there?’” You question as you slowly scoot out of the bathroom, leaning your back against the bed, facing Dean.

“I mean, you are the only person who has ever gone with me to see the rocks.” He looks at you and smirks, proud of the fact that he got you to come out of the bathroom.

“What rocks?” You ask, confused.

“The rocks! The rock monument?” Dean looks at you strangely. “Please tell me you did not manage to forget the fact that I took you to see the sunset at the rock site.”

You think for a moment and look back at him. “How do you know my dreams?” You say, with concern and confusion.

“Dream?” Dean returns the confused look on your face. “Y/N, that wasn’t a dream. I really did take you there and you really did see the sunset. Why would you think it was a dream?”

“I--Wh--Ho,” you keep trying to form words. The fact that your dream actually happened is the second most surprising thing you found out today. Soon to be the third. “I thought it was a dream because I woke up in bed?” You reply, uncertain.

“Okay, listen, do you remember me waking you up? You were in my bed?” You nod. “Good. Do you remember waking up in the car?” You nod again. “All that, it happened. And afterwards, I drove us home, then you fell back asleep.”

“But how did--how did I wake up in bed?”

“I carried you,” he answers. You look at him confused. It would make sense. “I didn’t want to wake you so I carried you from Baby and back to my bed.”

“Then what?” You ask cautiously, seeing if you might have forgotten something else.

“Then you started shivering. I figured that you wouldn’t want to be under the covers with me so instead, I, you know, I snuggled… you.” Dean smiles, almost embarrassed.

“You snuggled me? That was it?”

“Yeah.” Dean rubs his neck, almost nervous like. “Okay, look, I couldn’t control myself very easily at the time so sorry for wanting to be so close to you.”

“That’s your excuse?” Dean nods. “I don’t care that you snuggled me Dean. In fact, I’m relieved that you didn’t do anything more.”

“Well, I wanted to.” Dean smiles at you. You look down at the ground.

You missed his smile. It’s still hard to believe that he was here.

“How did you find me?”

“You think it was a hard task to find you? Listen, sweetheart, if I wanted to find you the minute you walked out the door, you would've been found. In fact, I’ve known right where you’ve been for months.”

“So you’ve been stalking me?”

“Are--are you serious? No. I just… I had to wait for the right time. To talk to you.” Dean’s face gets red.

“What do you want?” You notice that Dean keeps getting nervous.

“I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry, for starters.”

“Sorry for…”

Dean looks at you and rolls his eyes. He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry for coming after you, twice.”

“Three times,” you correct.

“Yes, three times.” Dean chuckles a little. “I’m sorry for well, everything having to do with the spell.”

“Like…”

“You really gonna make me analyze my issues here?” You nod and grin. “Fine. I’m sorry that I sang to you in front of a crowd. I’m sorry that I tried to strip down in front of you. I’m sorry that I kept trying to kiss you. I’m sorry that I kept trying to lick your face.”

“What?!” You look at Dean surprised.

“Oh! Right. You didn’t know that or, um, need to know about that.” He clears his throat. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m sorry about how I made you feel uncomfortable. I’m sorry that I hid the cure from you. I’m sorry that I brought up the issues with your parents and I’m sorry that trying to kill you was the most recent memory you have of me. You gotta know that that wasn’t me. I would never say those things. I would never nor would I ever try to kill you. You’re my best friend. And I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

You take a look at Dean and the sincerity shown on his face. This was Dean. The real Dean.

“Dean,” you say as he looks in your eyes and you do the same. “I forgive you. In fact, I forgive you more than I forgive myself for toying with you.”

“Hey,” Dean says as he stops your trail of self hatred. “You didn’t do anything wrong. There is nothing to forgive you for. And,” Dean sighs, “there’s one more thing I have to apologize for.”

“And that is?”

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” Dean takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry that it took some witch, some curse, and a whole lot of vodka for me to finally tell you that I’m in love with you.”

“You what?” You ask, wide eyed and confused.

“I’m in love with you, Y/N. I’m so sorry that it took so long for me to admit it.”

You look at Dean who looks at you.

“Right.” You nod your head slowly. “Right.” You get up and walk over to the table. “Right, you’re right!”

“What are you doing?” Dean asks.

“I’m uh, I’m calling Sam,” you say with an unconvincing smile.

“Why?” Dean asks as he stands up.

“Cause the antidote apparently didn’t work.” You nervously type in the numbers on your phone.

“What?!” Dean asks as he snatches the phone from your hand. “No!”

“Dean,” you say calmly, “Give me the phone and we can get this all sorted out.”

“Y/N, I’m not under the spell, alright?” Dean says as he walks away with your phone. You follow him.

“Sure, Dean. That’s right. Whatever you say. But how about you just give me the phone?” You go over towards the bed and try to swipe the cell back from his hand.

“No!” He responds as he moves it from one hand to another.

“What do you mean no?!”

“I mean no.” Dean sits on the bed and you hop up on it trying to reach over his shoulders.

“Give it!”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“Hm, let me think about it. Oh! How about: No!” Dean stands up and you stand up on the bed, hovering over him. “You’re gonna hurt yourself, sweetheart,” he says with a chuckle.

“Shut up and give me the damn phone!” You lunge for the cellular device. You slowly lose your balance just as you come so close to reaching it. You lean more towards the edge of the bed and fall towards the ground.

Thump

“I told you,” Dean says. In one swoop, he caught you before you fell and tossed your back onto the bed and pinned your arms down with his hands. He comes only inches away from your face as you stare into his bright green eyes. “I’m not under some love spell. But I am in love with you.” He continues to stare in your eyes and gives you a smile. “Now can we behave like adults or do I need to bring out my handcuffs?”

“Oh, shut up!” You respond as you wrap your legs around his waist, turning him around, on his back. You now have him pinned down on the bed and you look into his eyes. “You’re insane. You know that Winchester?”

“Maybe,” he smiles. “But It’s only cause you make me.” You roll your eyes. “I could get out of this if I wanted to. I’m stronger than you.”

“Yeah, well, I’m faster,” you respond. Dean pulls you on the bed with him and leans in close to you. “Why don’t you believe I love you, Y/N?”

You take a deep breath, “Because you can’t.”

“And why not?”

“Because… because… because…”

“...Because you love me?” Dean continues. You blush a little and Dean notices.

“Since when do you love me?”

“Since three years ago.” He smiles. “I remember the exact night I fell in love with you and it wasn’t because of some spell either.” You and Dean take a seat on the edge of the bed as he tells you a story. “It was three years ago. In Chesterfield, Missouri. We had just come back from killing some Thule members that decided to overrun an elementary school. After we burned the bodies, we went to get drinks like usual to celebrate but for some reason, you seemed to get carried away.”

------------------

Three years ago. Chesterfield, Missouri. Webb’s Bar.

I had just walked in after Y/N. She was in that little black dress that I loved so much. Only girl I know who could rock a suit just as much as she could a ballgown.

She made her way over to the bar. Sitting down, waiting for some random Romeo to sweep her off her feet.

Who am I to judge? I’m the one looking for Juliet.

It wasn’t long before Y/N was downing one drink after another. God knows why she’d want to get wasted. Sure, the hunt was a different go around but it wasn’t anything bad. She just seemed to be in some sort of mood.

“Another round!” Y/N shouted causing the whole bar to cheer on the drunk girl of the week. “Woo! Yeah!” Y/N sat at the counter with three douchebags surrounding her.

“Hey, baby,” I heard the one guy whisper to you, “you want to get out of here?”

“Nope! I want to play some pool!” Y/N said as she stumbled from the seat to the pool cue rack.

“What’s she gonna get herself into now?” I whisper under my breath as I watch you miss every shot you take. The three dudes are practically vultures surrounding you now. I could see right through them. The second they get to, you know they are gonna try something.

After about five more shots and three more games, those idiots see their chance. I had already ditched my entertainment for the evening as soon as I saw Y/N. To be fair, you were pretty entertaining too.

I could see where their eyes went. Where their hands wanted to go.

“Let’s get out of here!” Said the one.

“No! More booze!” Y/N replied. “More booze, more booze, more booze, more--” You stopped your chant when the leader of the pack put his hand on the bottom of your back. I could tell that you didn’t like that. They sure did.

“Come on, baby,” another one said as he grabbed you by your arm and started to pull you outside.

You walked out the door with the three numbskulls chasing after you.

“Alright,” I said as I got up and followed you.

They took you out behind the bar and were all over you. I would’ve come sooner but you had managed to knock them all out before I had the chance to watch the game of whack a mole.

“You good?” I asked, still in shock by how even though you were drunk, you still managed to get three guys, who are double your size, unconscious.

“Yep!” You reply, almost combining all the letters together. You start to fall over when you try to salute me.

“Woah, woah, woah,” I rush over to you before you fall, “I got you.” I smiled at you. Still gorgeous. From the minute I saw you, I knew that you must be the most gorgeous woman in the world. You collapsed downwards, not far from face planting in the ground.

“Imma… Imma… I think I’m gonna throw up,” you tell me as you lean over and start to hurl. I can’t help but laugh.

“You’re alright,” I say as I stand you back up. You walk over and place your back against the wall. You stare into my eyes and I stare into yours.

It was a beautiful night. You could see the stars thanks to the busted light beside the dumpster. It was beautiful. You were beautiful. You are beautiful.

You started hiccupping. “Dea--hiccup--I’ve got to tell you--hiccup--I’ve got to tell--hiccup--Dean--hiccup--I love--hiccup--” You never finished your unfinishable statement.

Ah!

We both heard a scream turning our attention away from one another. You bolted towards the sound, even faster than I could run.

It was a young girl. Must’ve been about sixteen. A guy had her pinned up against the wall with a knife to her throat.

The girl continued to scream as he made little incisions into her skin.

Before I could even react, you went over to the man, tapped his shoulder, and in an instant, you knocked him flat on his ass.

“Are you okay, honey?” You asked the girl. She nodded with tears in her eyes. “It’s okay,” you said as she wrapped her arms around your neck. You gently rubbed her back, trying to comfort her. “It’s okay.”

“You alright?” I asked again, as you appeared to be fully alert while being completely intoxicated.

“Yeah, Dean. I’m fine,” you smile. You take the girl out of your arms and wipe her tears. “We’re gonna get you home, okay?” The girl nods as you guide her over to Baby.

I took care of the guy by handcuffing him to a fence, leaving a present for the cops. You took care of the girl by just making sure she was okay. You had been in the backseat with her until we arrived at her parents house. You didn’t even blink till you knew she was safe and sound.

You came and took a seat in the passenger side before we left her house.

“What?” You asked me.

“What?” I replied with a smile on my face.

“You’re looking at me.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You’re looking at me. Why are you looking at me?”

“I can’t help it.” I can’t. You took out four guys tonight all while being completely drunk. That’s a feat even I couldn’t conquer.

“Well fine then!” You shout. “If you wanna look at me so much then you can just look at me as I lay right down here in your lap,” you say with a big grin.

“Okay?” I question.

“Alright,” you say as you lay down in the seat while placing your head in my lap. “Cool. Goodnight, baby.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. You were drunk. You were really drunk.

You closed your eyes, almost falling asleep instantly. I look at you. I look at your head placed in my lap.

“Goodnight, baby. Sweet dreams.”

It was only about a half hour later that I ended up carrying you bridal style back to the motel.

Your eyes kept fluttering, drifting in and out of sleep. You kept mumbling too. I just nodded along with whatever words came out of your mouth.

I placed you gently down on your bed. I pulled up the sheets and blankets on top of you. You started to reach for my hand. You grabbed me and pulled me closer to you. Before I knew it, your lips were locked with mine. You tasted like four kinds of rum and some cheap gin but the feeling… it felt so good. It was perfect.

You just about passed out before you could make out with me even more. I just gently put your head back down on the pillow causing you to fall right back asleep.

-------------------

“What?” You ask in shock of if the events he’d just revealed were true or not.

“Yeah,” he replies with a smile. “That happened too. And that’s the night I truly fell in love with you. It wasn’t even the kiss that got me. It was the fact that you completely went out of your way to make sure that that girl was safe. I don’t even think you could’ve remembered your own name at the time. Yet, you had your instinct still intact. Your instinct to save and protect people. It’s my favorite thing about you. ”

“But--How…”

“...Can you not remember? Or why didn’t I tell you?” Dean finishes. You nod. “I didn’t tell you cause,” he takes a deep breath, “I didn’t want to risk losing the best friend I’ve ever had.”

“Okay. Okay.” You try to reassure yourself. “Okay then, if you love me, then why the hell do you pick on me all the time?”

“Oh come on! That is literally the most obvious thing that I could’ve done,” he says. You shake your head confused. “Don’t you know that in school, the guy always picks on the girl cause he likes her?”

“So you are comparing yourself to some immature child now?”

“What! No, that’s not!--Okay, look, you and I both know that I’m not Mr. Share all when it comes to emotions.”

“And whose fault is that? Huh?” You roll your eyes.

“Wait a second now, you’re the one who always runs to Sam whenever you want to talk about something. Never once have you run to me so why would I feel as if I could talk to you?” Dean answers defensively.

“So now it’s my fault? You do realize that it’s a two way street?!” You throw up your hands and lean back your head. “Wow. You just told me you were in love with me and we somehow manage to turn it into a fight,” you say with a huff.

Dean laughs. “You’re not wrong, sweetheart.”

“Really?!” You say agitated.

“What?”

“That! That right there. Calling me ‘sweetheart’ like you do every other girl. Now that pisses me off.”

“Y/N,” Dean says as he looks in your eyes. “If you think that I call every girl sweetheart, then you must be deaf. Because, see, I call them sweetheart but you are the only one who I’ve ever called sweetheart.”

The change in Dean’s voice actually surprises you. You‘ve never thought about how he’s said it differently before. “Sweetheart.” It had a nice ring to it.

You and Dean take a minute to process everything.

“So you are really in love with me?” You ask. No harm in being extra sure.

“Yep,” Dean replies. “I’m totally head over heels,” he moves closer to you, “butterflies in stomachs,” he leans in, “crazy in love.” He places his lips on yours.

This was perfect. It was finally perfect.

Dean moved his lips away from yours for just a second to catch a breath. “And just so you know, sweetheart, the spell worked on me because I was already in love with you. The witch was trying to force love, but when it came to me, let’s just say it’s taken everything in me to not come in here and kiss you sooner.” Dean turns his gaze from your lips to your eyes.

“You couldn’t have just started with that information, couldn’t you?” You question with a smile.

“Nah, too easy.”

“Oh, shut up, Winchester,” you command as you press your lips on him once more.

You wrap your arms around each other, continuing to kiss every square inch accessible on the skin.

“Alright,” Dean says as he stands up. “Come on.” He reaches out for your hand and to take it hesitantly.

“What?” You ask.

“As much as I want to spend every second having my lips on you, I came here for a reason.”

“And that is…”

Dean smiles down at you and brushes his hand on the back of your neck as he pulls you close. “I’m taking you home, baby.”

---------------------

You took a ride in Baby back to the bunker. Your heart was racing. You had laid your head in Dean’s lap again. He continued to comb through your hair. He couldn’t help but smile. You couldn't even think about frowning.

Walking through the bunker doors was something that you had fantasized about from the moment you left in the first place.

Sam was the first one to come running through the war room, racing to you as he wrapped his gigantic arms around you. He had watery eyes that you couldn’t help but mirror when you thought of how much you missed him.

Next was Cas. He wasn’t as quick to get to you, but his grip was so tight. He wrapped his arms around you. He almost crushed you but you didn’t even care. He kept hanging onto you with even Sam joining in the hug. Dean eventually wrapped his arms around the group too. They all hugged you so tight. It felt so perfect.

You were home. You were finally home. You were with your family. You were finally at peace. You were finally, truly, 100%, completely, happy.

—————————————————————————————————————————

Hope you enjoyed it!

Tag list is open!

@crazybutconfidentaf @doctorlilo @pillowjj @busy-bee-angel-misska @vicmc624 @sl33pybo1

I’d just like to say that I’ve really enjoyed writing this series! I hope to write more in the future. Thank you all for reading! Lots of Love!

#dean winchester #dean x reader #supernatural fanfic #supernatural fanfiction #spellsouttrouble #lovespell #supernatural #sam winchester #castiel #spn fanfic #fanfiction #fiction

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icarus-the-eternal · 5 years ago

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The Raid

Archon Braessath of the Kabal of the Black Fang laughed as the prey ran, animal terror pushing them further and faster in hopes of escape. Standing on the prow of his Raider, he lifted a splinter rifle and fired, dropping one of the beasts in a howl of anguish. A cruel smile danced across his lips as his warriors laughed and jeered at the display, jetbikes swooping past to herd the prey on. This had been a pleasurable excursion so far, no rivals to dispute his claim and plenty of fodder for both the slave pens and torture racks. “Such a nice time for a hunt, eh Ahlseth?” His Dracon barely looked up from where she was sharpening her flensing knives. “Perhaps my lord but they are rather poor sport, no fight in them at all.” Braessath chuckled to himself, lowering the rifle and accepting a cup from one of his waiting attendants, enjoying the pleasant burn of the hallucinogenic liquid down his throat. “Where’s the fun in prey who fights back? The easier the better I say.” Ahlseth simply shrugged, irritating in her indifference, so the Archon turned his attention back to the hunt. These mon-keigh were even more primitive than the rest of their simple race, barely above animals, but he did enjoy them so. Perhaps when they returned to Commorragh he wouldn’t sell all of them but would establish his own private reserve. He liked that idea for surely many would pay for the pleasure of hunting without leaving the comforts of home. His revelries were interrupted by a blaring alert on the communications channel. Irritation returning he opened it, swearing to skin the one responsible for disturbing his pleasure. “What is it?” The panicked voice of Bezial, his distant cousin and second Dracon, came through. “My lord- attack- can’t- by the dark o- AAAAGH!” The channel cut out in a harsh static and gunfire, no response afterwards. Braessath cursed and turned about, fur cloak billowing in the breeze. “Turn is about! Call back the hunting parties! We have uninvited guests!”

Jaego broke the extended arm, ignoring the pained screams of the Kabalite warrior as it dropped the knife intended for his eye lens. He rapped it across it’s androgynous features, feeling the crunch of bone and cartilage beneath his knuckles before he tossed it to his waiting retinue. The slavering mutants fell upon the injured xenos with hungry claws and teeth, Jaego chuckling as it’s screams faded beneath snarls and growls. “Eat my lovelies! Eat your fill!” He moves on through the ruined camp, humming softly as he paused here and there to examine a corpse or extract a sample. This particular breed of Eldar was fascinating, having adapted to sustain themselves on the pain and anguish of other beings. He hoped to take a few alive for future study, his fingers itching with the desire to peel apart their secrets layer by layer beneath his scalpels. He’d been surprised when his presence had been requested but this raid had already provided him with plenty of useful data and a chance to test his newest experiments. The xenos had dared to trespass upon a world considered valuable by the goddess, it’s Stone Age human population worshipping her in some fashion. His Gland Hounds were gone, given permission to hunt and kill as they saw fit, so he strode through the ruined camp alone. The sounds of gunfire and battle persisted somewhere nearby accompanied by the shouts of mortals and howls of mutants. The first batch of enhanced fodder had performed within expected parameters so far, though he could already see the improvements he would make next time. A feral roar tore through the air and he barely sidestepped as an armored body crashed to the dirt just past him. The drukhari in charge of the camp was barely recognizable from the strutting, gilded peacock he’d been. His armor was cracked and broken, his beautiful sword broken in half, his lifeblood pooling beneath him. Drogon strode after, the giant Astartes radiating primal fury. Every breath through his vox gril was a snarl, fists clenching and unclenching, the sharpened horns and arm blades of bone coated in blood from use. The xenos tried to crawl away but it was no use. The daemonically strengthened warrior seized his helpless foe and with a guttural snarl wrenched it’s head free in a crack of bone and wet tearing of meat. Jaego felt his twin hearts beat faster, his mouth go dry in the presence of such beauty. He had met all the champions of his new patron and his feelings ranged from indifference to respect in the case of fellow Apothecary Furio. But only the renegade Black Dragon made his blood race this way. He was a monster, a magnificent being of gene-crafted death and fury. Oh how he longed to put him on the table, to explore every nook of bone, knot of muscle, and twisted genetic strand. The wonders he could work with but a loving touch, surely it would be his finest work! He’d carefully secured a few samples of blood and tissue but it was not enough, barely a drop to wet his insatiable thirst for more. Drogon looked from where he had dropped the head, fixing his red gaze on the Apothecary. “The rest will come. We prepare. You fight with me this time.” Jaego felts his blood sing as he set about his work.

Braessath has expected a raid from another kabal, perhaps a few dead and the slave stock stolen, but nothing like this. The camp was in ruins, structures toppled and burned or burning. The slaves we’re gonna, their pens pried open and empty. The bodies of his warriors were scattered around in various states of dismemberment, some barely recognizable pieces of ragged meat and gnawed bone. The attackers had left a sign of their handiwork, the corpse and severed head of Bezial held aloft by his own tendons like a macabre puppet for all to see. Archon surveyed the wreckage over the lip of his raider. He’d dressed in finest Wargear to greet these guests, a necessity among the extravagant Archon’s always seeking to outdo one another. A crystalline mesh of purple and emerald armor beneath a new cloak of shimmering metallic feathers and a gunbelt of infant leather slung low in fashion. Fingers rapped upon the gilded shuriken pistols in their holsters as he considered what do next. “Fan out! Find me some tracks! And someone take that damn thing down!” Warriors moved to obey, tugging at the corpse on display. The corpse began to shake and buzz, vomiting a swarm of chittering insects. The warriors cursed and swatted was the cloud enveloped them, rising into agonized screams as the insects found gaps in their armor and burrowed into the inviting flesh. They danced spastically, muscles seizing in pain as the bugs sought the delicious meat of organs and brain matter. Braessath felt himself revolted and fascinated by the sight as the warriors collapsed and their killers settled to feed. Jaego had spent decades cultivating and breeding this particular species of beetle to use against the Craftworld Eldar. He hasn’t been sure thwy would work on the dark cousins of the species but would be very satisfied with the results.

Every step through the camp uncovered more and more booby traps. The Black Fang lost warriors to more hungry beetles, buried landmines, filth coated spike-traps, even a vat-muscled slab of aggression amplified mutant. As he forces were whittled down so did the Archon’s temper flare till he was boiling with only a third of his original force left. As he raged and ranted only then did they make their appearance. Drogan and Jaego emerged from the surrounding woodlands, approaching the eldar at an easy pace. “How did you like our gifts?” Braessath stepped to meet them with hands on his pistols and Ahlseth at his back. “How about you come taste my appreciation mon-keigh?” Drogon snarled, the vox amplifiers making his voice sound even more guttural. “You have trespassed on ground sacred to the goddess, hunted her people. These affronts have been paid for in blood. Leave now and perhaps we shall let you keep your miserable lives!” With his words the rest of the force revealed themselves from under the psychic illusions hiding them, a bristling force of mortals, mutants, and Astartes all hungry for more xenos blood. The Kabalites seemed to be co side red their odds as their leader merely sneered. “Come on then filth! I’m going to make myself a new pair of boots for your face as the slave pis-urk..” Braessath never finished his sentence, eyes going wide with surprise as the air rushed from his lungs. Ahlseth twisted the knife in his spine and drew it out, letting her former master stumbling a few steps and collapsing in the mud. None of the other Kabalites moved to stop her, rather watching with interest as she removed the gunbelt and buckled it about her own waist. Then she waved cheerfully to the pair of astartes. “As Archon of the Black Fang, I humbly accept your terms though I think that we could be of use to each other. Perhaps we could work out some manner of a deal?”

Upon return to the Vaults, Jaego immersed himself in his work once more. He was no warlord and preferred to leave the glories and distribution of loot to others as he’d already claimed the samples and specimens he desired. He was gazing at such specimens now, the mash of machinery and wraithbone the one called Ahlseth had provided him for future contact, when a feminine voice tickled in his ear. “Keeping busy I see.” He turned to find Fuuko in her mortal form standing nearby, gazing into a large tank bobbing with organic matter and nutrient fluid. “Ah my lady! If you had told me you were coming I would have tidied up or prepared refreshments!” The goddess laughed and shook her head. “I prefer my visits to be spontaneous I’m afraid. How goes your work?” Jaego brightened and launched excitedly into his theories based on data from the raid and the possibilities it opened. The goddess played the good guest, listing intently and nodding where appropriate. As he began to branch into the increased growth cycles of hybridized cells, she interrupted him. “I am glad you are enjoying yourself in my service. I shall leave you to your work and I look forward to more results.” Then she was gone, leaving only the scent of incense in her wake. Jaego turned back to tank she’d initially been watching. It was barely an embryo right now, a splice of stolen cells and gleaned samples but he could envision it’s future form. Humming to himself, Jaego stepped away from the Drogon clone and returned to work.

@fuukonomiko

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alcoholandregrets · 6 years ago

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log: 04

01/04/19

I've been trying to lose some pounds for the past few weeks and every week I try to at least make new routines to make it easier to achieve. I'm still a beginner at this diet plan so bear with me ehe ~

breakfast

For breakfast, I had black coffee and scrambled eggs with spinach. Black coffee is actually healthier to drink than those that contain creamers and sugar. Aside from helping you boost your metabolism and burn fat, it also has antioxidants and nutrients.

lunch

I actually had a hard time choosing my lunch. We still have a lot of leftovers from new year's and it's so tempting to grab a bite from the unhealthy ones. I was craving for spicy food so I just fried a chicken breast with olive oil and added a few spices and hot sauce. Eating spicy food helps speed up your metabolism and burn calories and it also suppresses your food cravings.

snack

For my afternoon snack, I just made an oatmeal smoothie using oatmeal and non-fat milk. I'm still planning to buy protein powder for post-workout smoothies.

dinner

I didn't have dinner because I was still so full from my afternoon smoothie so I just drank green tea with 100% natural honey as my sweetener.

So far that's how my day went. I also had a 30-minute workout session using a workout app as my guide. Hopefully I'll be more consistent this time and throughout the entire year.

#new years resolution #new years #self love #weight loss #beginner #weightlossrecipe #healthy #health #healthyfood #fit #fitness #dailyroutine

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sussex-nature-lover · 4 years ago

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Wednesday 25th November 2020

Bodiam Wildlife and Memories. Part 1

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I discovered that the filming at Bodiam Castle on Monday was for a music magazine promo. No idea how long that’ll take to surface then, but I did promise to share if I found out, so now you’re as wise as I am.

As always I took so many photos it’s hard to write a cohesive blog post that doesn’t turn into War and Peace, so wildlife and nature is going to be split into two parts.

I spotted this lovely illustration on the Facebook page. It’s by local artist

Claire Fletcher I love her style.

There are leaflets for children and signs around the grounds to engage them in nature activities, I do find the NT are pretty good at this kind of thing.

Now I mentioned Ducks in my piece yesterday because you just can’t miss them and I said that although they were a bit rattled by the film crew, they were still going about their business and standing their ground.

We stood and watched a few times as they left the Moat and followed each other either from our right or left, directly in front of the café, in a veritable parade to a particular spot

The object of the exercise was a quick bit of foraging under this Oak, until some unknown signal went and OFF they all went back to the water, causing quite a kerfuffle as they did.

Reflections of the Tea Room and sloping Vineyard behind

The Moat itself is alternately a source of calm and a scene of great activity.

With just one solitary Moorhen spotted

‘I’m Off’

The fish that you'll see in the moat below you as you cross the bridge to the castle are carp. In medieval England, carp were a regular food source and bred specifically for that purpose by monks. Ours are not descended from those fish but came instead from Richborough Power Station near Sandwich in Kent in 1996 when it closed down.

I can testify that the Moat is absolutely teeming with fish and yes, they’re not shy.

Note the improvement from my efforts to photograph fish at Scotney Castle!

The monks used to breed the carp so they had the least scales, which is where the descriptions, mirror carp and leather carp come from. By breeding the carp in this way, it helped to save time in the kitchens. Carp for eating wouldn’t have been kept in the moat originally because all the garderobes were emptied into it and so it is thought that they were kept in special ponds to the north west of the castle. You can still see the dips in the grounds where these ponds were likely to be sited. You'll notice that the moment you tread on the bridge the fish will come to the surface and gape at you. It is sometimes thought that they are doing this as they need air, but this isn't the case they’re begging, just like a dog might do at the table. There are plenty of nutrients in the muddy moat waters, even though it may not look like it, and so we ask visitors not to feed the fish.

‘Hungry mouth to feed. You won’t like me when I’m hangry’

That made me think, remember when bread to feed the fish and bread and milk for Hedgehogs were commonly held beliefs? I cringe now at the thought, but you do still see plenty of people throwing bread for ducks.

Do you recall as well that one the way to Bodiam I missed getting a picture of Seven (+) Swans (Geese, but close enough) A Swimming? Well I did manage a photo of Ring a Ring a Roses on the Moat. What do you think?

The grounds around the Castle are left pretty natural looking and two sides have trees and bushes providing food and shelter.

And the land surrounding is obviously very fertile too.

Vineyards surround Bodiam Castle grounds

For history buffs there are links at the end, which tell you about the area’s productivity for the viticulture and brewing trade.

There’s still a lot of work to manage such an ancient site even if it’s not formal gardening.

There’s no sign or information to tell you, but this guardian Knight looks like it’s a chainsaw sculpture. I think when we’ve been to a Medieval Fair at Bodiam in the past (and at Bateman’s Summer Craft Fair too) that they’ve held demonstrations. I wouldn’t say he looks all that ferocious though and I bet quite a lot of people miss him as he’s tucked into the hedge.

And because I just can’t resist, if, like me, you do enjoy social history as much as chronicles of great note, these links are quite fascinating. Beware it’s a bit of a rabbit warren, there are old newspaper articles, photographs and interesting facts about Hop production and the villages around the Bodiam area. There are snippets about Whist Drives and charity fund raising and lots of weather and motoring reports, some of them quite dramatic.

I know we still call Kent ‘The Garden of England’ but it’s quite hard to imagine the scale of invasion to the South East at busy times when the labour forces were much needed and appreciated.

Imagine if they’d had Loyalty points back then!

Bodiam Hops, Brewing and Tasting.

The Castle Inn

Interesting facts :

The Castle Inn was the only Guinness owned house in the country. I guess it made sense to have an outlet where they owned so many Hop fields at the time. To make a booking, potential guests had to send a telegram as there was no telephone.

And finally, as they say on the news, a little anecdote. Only this morning I was listening to a radio show where they were discussing the American designer, Tom Ford’s, fragrance for men, named Oud Wood. The conversation was about how strange a word Oud is and how they’d not come across it before. The fragrance itself has ‘woody notes’ - unsurprisingly when they looked it up they found that’s the exact meaning of Oud.

Known as the "five thousand dollar per pound scent," Oud or Oudh is by far one of the most expensive raw fragrance ingredients in the world. Also known as agarwood, this essential oil is extracted from the fungus-infected resinous heartwood of the agar tree, which is primarily found in the dense forests of Southeast Asia, India and Bangladesh

So it was a strange coincidence when I was posting the history links up above to read...

The former Guinness Farm talked about up above - the one with the 1950s’ slide show, is known as Udiam Farm. No longer a Hop Farm, they have some rather nice looking holiday cottages and I bet it’s far easier to book now (lockdown allowing) than it was at The Castle back in the day*

*Point of Order, I don’t know them and have never been there.

Funny how small a world it is eh.

Index for more history bits and bobs for those who like the rabbit warren.

For those of you who’re monitoring our diet - we feel like chicken tonight, herb roasted...with a big mixed salad. I know the weather forecast was dire for temperature but the fire’s lit and we’re cosy, so salad is good.

Poppy for Remembrance (not my photo)

#national trust nature photography hops farming ducks Sussex Bodiam Castle history

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we-can-all-wakeup · 7 years ago

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Blurred Lines

Pairing: Charoix Word Count:1740 Link: AO3 - 7 CHAPTERS OF ONESHOTS Summary: Rigid lines were never meant to last forever - and certainly not when it concerned Chariot. A small exploration as to how she might have to manage when the lines she had drawn are taken apart.

Ursula was timid, she was uncertain about many things, and treated confrontation like a disease. Regret, duty and responsibility were the heavy chains that kept her a prisoner to her own guilt - rendering her unable to form connections that would have otherwise added meaningful purpose into her life. Until of course, the unthinkable did happen. As her shackles had been torn apart by acceptance and validation, she was soon freed from the punishment she inflicted upon herself a lifetime ago … but had she truly been freed? Ursula was only one part of her that had remained when Chariot had done her best to cut herself out from the world when she had committed crimes and wrongs too horrible to properly be forgiven for. If Ursula had been freed, what was the rest of Chariot supposed to do?

“You’ve been staring for a while … do I have something on my face?” Croix asked, gently stirring Chariot from her thoughts. The redhead blinked once, coming back to her senses before she reeled herself back, confusing the lilac haired witch. “Are you ok? You haven’t been skipping your meals have you, I thought only I had the privilege to do so,” the older witch joked with a light laugh, and though the redhead returned with a chuckle, her inner thoughts had taken a new direction.

Skipping meals … now that brought up a whole slew of fond memories Chariot had - the few that helped her through sleepless nights. Even at a young age, Croix had an unhealthy habit of staying up late, missing meal times and resorting to crappy, instant food that lacked any kind of nutrients. A symptom of being a genius, the taller witch had deadpanned, and from that point on Chariot had made it her personal mission to limit the intake of fake food as much as possible. One part to make sure her best friend made it past the age of 20 and the other, to keep her inflated ego in check. She remembered the unlimited number of complaints she had every time she snuck food into Croix’s room, laughing as she did so - remarking that she felt more like her mother, or sister, than an underclassmen.

Now though? A decade later, and Croix still admitted to living with fake food as a essential part of her diet, but she didn’t need Chariot - or anyone - to coddle and try and regulate her meals. The older witch had grown up - had long since needed, or even wanted perhaps, the redhead to hover over her shoulder. Croix was old enough, smart enough, to make proper decisions, or at least know where and when to seek help if she needed it. That was part of growing up.

So it thoroughly terrified the redhead when it began to dawn on her that perhaps Chariot no longer had a place - in the present, in Croix’s life, in place of Ursula whom many had begun to, or wholeheartedly, accepted - omission of truth and all. Chariot du Nord had been killed - cut away - a decade ago, and Ursula had been meant to take her place however best she could. Where was Chariot du Nord supposed to fit in now, when all that she had known, knew, loved and hated seemed to have moved on without her?

The entire table shook in Chariot’s haste to remove herself from her chair. Croix immediately placed her book down, concerned, but hesitant. Good. Flashing … an expression, anything that wasn’t completely breaking down in front of the older witch, Chariot spilled something that sounded like ‘I need to go’ - she’d later learn that she had in fact said ‘i’m going to blow up’ - and left the library with acrobatic ingenuity.

For the next few weeks, Chariot had been unconsolable. Many had begun to refer to the sudden change as her reverting back to her Ursula facade, which only drove the wedge between the two distinctively difficult identities apart even further through the chasm of confusion. In Chariot’s mind she had gradually began to accept that there never really was two people - it was only ever Chariot who grew cowardly enough to shed her name and face when the going got too tough, and now struggled to brave through this new world that had forgotten or no longer cared for her. It was a slow process, albeit a steady one, had a student not mistakenly called out “Professor Ursula” and unintentionally drove a critical point home.

There was no need for Chariot to exist in this world.

…

“Croix-Sensei … why do you never call ... Chariot-Sensei as ‘Ursula’?” Akko asked innocently, and Chariot who had been lurking through supposedly less frequented hallways had to pause. A long war waged within her, because she had to truly decide whether or not she could live with knowing what the two arguably most important people had to say about her, about Chariot. Was she strong enough to hear what Croix had to share - what the lilac haired witch may say, the good and bad, of Chariot? Strong enough to suffer through another decade of self inflicted punishment if Akko’s morale compass pointed away from her?

“Because,” Croix replied in a light tone, “Chariot is Chariot.”

“I don’t get it!”

“Mm …” Croix pondered for a moment, and Chariot could hear her heart hammer louder with every second that passed by, tapping in time with the impatient foot-taps Akko had taken to performing. “I guess the Chariot you remember was … hyper, bubbly, strong … just like you, I suppose,” a giggle, “but you also know ‘Ursula’ - that just means that you also know that Chariot can cry and mess up sometimes, too.” Akko made a hum of … something, confusion likely but Croix was quick to add in. “Maybe it’s easier to think of her heart.”

“What do you mean?”

“Chariot has a heart that is capable of believing, loving, caring, and remembering … and like any human being, it is also capable … or susceptible, to despair, guilt, fear and the whole package,” Croix explained, “as far I see, none of that has changed. Chariot still has a heart that is forgiving, optimistic, and very precious to me. Even if she decided to call herself Ursula, her heart never changed, right? At the end of the day, it’s still Chariot who finds the book you need at two in the morning, the same Chariot who always spends her time with me in the library even if I’m not really paying attention to her.”

“Hehe. I guess it was obvious to you, Croix-Sensei, if you loved her heart, it wouldn’t matter what name she took, as long as you remember why you loved her.”

“That’s right,” Croix replied, tenderly, “Chariot is Chariot - nothing in the world could come between us if I’m looking for that precious heart of hers.”

Sniff

Eh?

Turning to the source of the distressing noise, Croix’s heart dropped when she saw the sight of Chariot, crying - bawling really - and desperately trying to stop her tears with an already soaked sleeve. There were so many questions she wanted to ask, some more serious than others, but the lilac haired witch found that she could really do nothing of note, except for panicking and trying to get a proper look at Chariot’s face - fighting stronger arms that had come up to cover a tear stained face.

Good god why did the redhead always become such an adorable turtled up shy mess when tears were involved? Croix had half the mind to leave her be, knowing that the redhead would eventually get sleepy and demand to be carried back to her room - if they had still been children, that is. As of right now, Croix was dealing with a complete unknown, and the idea of leaving Chariot who was still crying just seemed all sorts of wrong.

Eventually, quickly enough, Croix was able to convince the redhead to lower her arms, revealing a rather red face - but god damn if the years hadn’t been generous to the redhead. Croix had seen references and heard of people who were supposedly ‘beautiful criers’ but she had a feeling that none of them could ever hold a candle to Chariot. Lashes fluttered quickly, determined to hold any further tears at bay, her breaths were short, likely still trying to even out the pace of her heart. The most gorgeous detail of all, that captivated and deprived Croix of her ability to speak, was the glistening that had taken over the red wines of Chariot’s eyes when the redhead finally dared to flicker her gaze to meet Croix’s. They weren’t merely pools of sorrow, or helplessness - it was life that she saw within those charming eyes, a glitter of hope and uncensored joy.

If only she could have been blessed with years to simply burn the image into her head …

Sadly though, their moment was quickly ruined by whispers and jeers that had begun to increase in volume.

“She made her cry~” A taunt broke through clearly, and though Croix tried to glare at whoever insinuated that, Chariot let out a incriminating sniff once again, setting panic off in Croix’s heart once more, prompting the older witch to grip down firmly on the arms she had taken ahold of. “Croix-Sensei is a bully~”

The smallest of smiles broke through on Chariot’s face - and while Croix was relieved, she could certainly do without the lies that were being shouted overhead. “Croix-Sensei is breaking her heart~”

Before Croix actually snapped and dispatched her roombas, arms slipped by her sides and pulled her into a tight embrace - the kind that left you breathless when you realized that it wasn’t a dream or apparition that had touched upon you. Slender, toned arms rested at her waist, a face was pressed comfortably against her shoulder, the welcomed weight of a desired companion, feminine form of her would-be lover … it took Croix a few seconds to properly return the embrace, intimate, but shy of scandalous. It was definitely everything she had dreamed of - and more. Never would she have been able to imagine how warm, how full, how fulfilling a simple embrace could be. It must’ve been the “Chariot Effect” - the redhead’s hidden ability to make sure whatever she did, whatever she touched upon, received every bit of her love.

And Croix definitely felt it.

“Thank you, Croix.”

“...Always, Chariot.”

#lwa #charoix #chariot x croix #charoix fic #little witch academia #my fic #have some fucking fluff #i have no idea how im suppose to feel about these kinda flufy romance scenes?#like do they work or no

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healthyeating43-blog · 6 years ago

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Paleo Diet Beginner Guide: 7 Things You Should Know Before Eating Like a Caveman!

New Post has been published on https://dietguideto.com/awesome/paleo-diet-beginner-guide-7-things-you-should-know-before-eating-like-a-caveman/

Paleo Diet Beginner Guide: 7 Things You Should Know Before Eating Like a Caveman!

So you wanna learn about the Paleo Diet, aka” the Caveman Diet ,” eh?

This is one of the most popular diets on the planet right now( up there with the Keto Diet ), and I bet you have questions.

Well I got answers, sucka!

And lots of LEGO photos.

In this massive guidebook, I’m going to give you the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to the Paleolithic Diet( click each link to go right to that section ):

What is the Paleo Diet and how does it run ? Will I lose weight on the Paleo Diet ? What can I eat on the Paleo Diet ? What foods CAN’T I eat on the Paleo Diet ? Can I eat grains on the Paleo Diet ? Can I eat dairy on the Paleo Diet? Can I eat cheese on the Paleo Diet ? Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of foods on the Paleo Diet What does a typical day look like on the Paleo Diet ? Is the Paleo Diet dangerous ? Paleo Recipes& Paleo Resource . Who shouldn’t do the Paleo Diet ? How to do the Paleo Diet safely .

Now, this guide is SUPER long, we are therefore took the liberty of converting it into a nicely designed guidebook for easy consumption( not literal intake, unless you print it on bacon ).

Grab your Beginner’s Guide to the Paleo Diet free when you sign on in the box below: Get the FREE eBook! The Ultimate Beginner’s Guide to Paleo!

Discover if Paleo is for you

The one simple trick to know if your food is Paleo-friendly

Easy Paleo recipes for beginners to get you started

I identify as a:

Woman

Man

If you can actually apply the standards of the the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

As the great Mr. Flintstone once said, “Yabadabadooooo!”

What is the Paleo Diet and How does it Work?

Oh lord, another “diet.”

I know, it sounds like a fad/ marketing gambit, but The Paleo Diet isn’t really a “diet,” and it’s actually quite logical when you think about it.

It’s also the most time-tested diet ever.

Here’s the ENTIRE diet in a nutshell :P TAGEND

” If a cave person didn’t eat it, neither should you .”

As the theory runs, tens of thousands of years ago, before Nike, Cap’n Crunch, and Healthy Choice snacks, our ancient ancestors thrived as hunter-gatherers.

Although it’s been a really long time, our genetics haven’t changed that much since then.

And yet…these days we’re overweight, out of shape, stressed out, unhappy, sleep deprived and dying from far too many preventable diseases due to lifestyle choices.

So what the hell happened?

Agriculture!

And then delivery and Netflix.

A few thousand years ago, humans discovered farming, the agricultural revolution took off, and we advanced from hunter-gatherers to farmers.

We resolved down, formed societies, and the human race progressed to what we are today. Which is obviously great for a number of reasons :P TAGEND

Not get eaten by wild animals Electricity Automobiles Nintendo

The problem is that our bodies never adjusted properly to eating all the grains and sugar that we’re now consuming.

As paleo guru Robb Wolf sets it, think of a 100 -yard football field :P TAGEND

The first 99.5 yards are how long Homo-Sapiens spent as hunter-gatherers. As they became Really good at hunting and collecting our bodies adapted to that lifestyle over thousands of years.

That last half-yard represents our species after the agricultural revolution, where our diet has changed( but our genetics haven’t ).

So, instead of loading up on meat, vegetables and seasonal fruit, we’ve become a species “dependent” upon grains- bread, pasta, rice, corn, and so on.

66% of us are overweight, 33% are considered obese, and those numbers are only getting worse.[ 1 ]

Clearly something’s not right, and we need to fix it.

The Paleo Diet is an effort to go back to our ancestral roots.

To start eating how we’re biologically designed to eat, allowing us to tap into our genetic potential and start living healthier immediately.

To recap the rules of the Paleo Diet :P TAGEND

Only feed foods a caveman would eat See Rule# 1

Note that it doesn’t mention calorie counting or meal period or macro tracking. That’s part of the popularity of this diet: feed paleo approved foods when you’re hungry, and that’s it.

Will I Lose Weight on the Paleo Diet?

This is the question we get above all else :P TAGEND

” Will the Paleo Diet assistance me lose weight ?”

Probably. If you can actually apply the standards of the the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

It’s helped many people attain jaw-dropping transformations, including my friend Saint,( whose narrative you can read here ):

Or Staci from Team NF, our lead female trainer in our 1-on-1 Coaching Program ):

The Paleo Diet will work for you, if you do it right.

You need to have the right mindset, you need to focus on the right foods, and you need to structure your environment so that you’re not tempted to backslide and abandon the Paleo Diet after a few days.

However, it has nothing to do with what Fred Flintstone ate or didn’t eat.

It comes down to science and thermodynamics.

As I point out in our article on How to Lose Weight: What’s the Perfect Diet( For me ?), if you want to lose weight :P TAGEND

Eat fewer calories than you burn every day. Wishing to also be healthy? Eat mostly real food.

Want to KEEP the weight off?

Add# 3: Do those two things consistently for a decade.

Here’s WHY you’ll lose weight on the Paleo Diet:

You’re merely eating meat, fish, veggies, fruit, and nuts. These are foods that are full of nutrients, will build you feel full, but don’t have nearly as many calories as junk food. You are completely eliminating calorie-dense, often nutritionally insufficient, unhealthy foods. This means no grains( pasta, bread, rice ), no dairy , no beans. It also means no soda , no candy , no sugar.

And yup. When you merely eat real food and avoid all unhealthy food, you’re more likely than not going to run a caloric deficit- and thus lose weight.

Let me share a really obvious example.

200 calories of broccoli get you enough to fill up an entire plate :P TAGEND

Or … 200 calories will get you exactly 1/2 a Snickers bar :P TAGEND

Look at that: nobody can eat that much broccoli, and nobody merely fees half a candy bar!

My point is this: by eating Paleo-approved foods, you’re more likely than not to eat fewer calories than you did in the past automatically, which can lead to weight loss.

I dig into this in even greater detail in” Why can’t I lose weight ?” but it all comes down to” calories in, calories out .”

So YES, the Paleo Diet MIGHT help you lose weight.

You just need to eat fewer calories than you burn every day( Here’s how to calculate your Total Daily Energy Expenditure ). And that is easier when you are eliminating foods that people tend to overeat :P TAGEND

Candy Soda Pasta Bread Dairy

But that’s all about what we’re eliminating. What are we maintaining !?

what Can I eat on The Paleo diet?

In order to follow the Paleo Diet Lifestyle, here are the foods that are Paleo endorse :P TAGEND

Meat*- steak, ham, pork, bison, boar. Organs- liver, kidneys, heart. Marrows- considering a theme here? Eat ALL parts of the animal! Fowl- chicken, duck, hen, turkey…things with wings that( try to) fly. Fish- cod, tuna, salmon, and so on. Eggs- Look for omega-3 enriched cage-free eggs. Veggie- spinach, broccoli, kale, carrots, peppers, zucchini, onions, etc. Petroleum- minimally processed, derived from plants: olive oil, coconut petroleum, avocado petroleum. Fats: ghee, lard, or other animal fats. Fruits- apples, pears, bananas, grapes, strawberries. Nuts- almonds, walnuts, cashews, and their respective butters( almond butter is so good !) Tubers- Sweet potatoes and yams.

* If you can, aim for grass-fed beef and organic fruits and vegetables. But don’t go break the bank with your food purchases. Merely do the best you can.

As the Paleo Diet explains: Pick any of the foods from that listing and feed as much as you want of them.

You might have noticed that a lot of the foods above are loaded with fat. And depending on what your mom told you growing up, you might suppose fat is the devil.

So let me address that right away…

Do Eating Fat Make You Fat?

If you’re cut back on carbs, that means you’ll need to fill the void in your diet with the most controversial macronutrient :P TAGEND

Fat!

It’s gotten a bad rap over the past number of decades, so companies have been doing everything possible to stimulate everything low fat and “healthy! ”( while adding all sorts of preservatives, chemicals, and sugar ).

Yup…cut out the fat, increase the carbs….and appear where THAT has get us.

Why has fat been vilified? Rather than get into the politics of it myself, I’ll let Gary Taubes, writer of the incredibly thorough and well-researched Good Calories, Bad Calories take over.

As he discusses in an article he wrote for the New York Times a decade ago: [ 2 ]

These researchers point out that there are plenty of reasons to suggest that the low-fat-is-good-health hypothesis has now effectively failed the test of hour.

In particular, that we are in the midst of an obesity epidemic that started around the early 1980′ s, and that this was coincident with the rise of the low-fat dogma.( Type 2 diabetes, the most common form of the disease, also rose significantly through this period .)

They say that low-fat weight-loss diets have proved in clinical trials and real life to be dismal failings, and that on top of it all, the percentage of fat in the American diet has been decreasing for two decades.

Our cholesterol levels have been declining, and we have been smoking less, and yet the incidence of heart disease has not declined as would be expected.” That is very disconcerting ,” Willett says.” It suggests that something else bad is happening .”

” Low fat” foods were created to follow conventional wisdom that fat induce you fat( which as stated in the above article doesn’t stand up to scrutiny ).

When a company makes a low fat food, they remove the fat and have to replace the flavor with something.

That “something” is usually sugar( and often more calories ).

Crap.

So, according to Taubes and Paleo folks, fat has been vilified and the real focus should have been on sugar and carbs all along.

Because healthy fats are valuable additions to our diet.

Here are some examples of Paleo-Approved Healthy Fats :P TAGEND

Avocados Almond( and almond butter) Fatty cuts of meat Walnuts Coconut oil Olive oil

In the Paleo Diet, fat constructions up a large portion of one’s diet.

If you’re worried about consuming fat and how it will affect your cholesterol, read our Full Guide to Cholesterol

WhAT Foods Can’t I eat On the Paleo Diet?

If you are looking to strictly follow the Paleo Diet, then you can’t eat foods that did not exist back in” Caveman times .”

Why?

Because- as those in favour of the diet point out- cavemen couldn’t eat those foods because they didn’t exist. There was no way to create cereal and candy – you could only eat what you detected or hunted.

So, that’s what the Paleo Diet advocates as the reason for avoiding these foods. And it serves as a good mental model to check with yourself: “Could a caveman have eaten this dinner? ”

And when you start to answer this question, you specifying the foods that you’re not allowed to eat on the Paleo Diet :P TAGEND

Grains like pasta, cereal bread, and rice Dairy like milk and cheese Candy, cookies, ice cream, and other processed foods

The Paleo Diet also almost completely eliminates sugar outside of fruit. No candy. No soda. No powdered donuts. Yup, even the mini white ones from the grocery store where you can eat like 100 of them( accidentally, of course ).

Many studies have shown that an incredible number of diseases and lifestyle issues is also available reversed by cutting out sugar and processed foods.[ 3 ]

But I understand grains and dairy are a bit more complex.

Let me explain :P TAGEND Can I Eat Grains on the Paleo Diet?

Unfortunately , nope.

The Caveman reason why: Grain require some amount of processing, and thus Cavemen would not have feed them.

The science and psychological reason why: we have a tendency to overeat grains and the other ” no no” foods on the Paleo Diet. They are calorically dense, nutrient insufficient, and they can wreak havoc on some people’s blood sugar levels.

This leads to a sugar rushed be accompanied by a crash, which can lead to more emotional or hungry overeating…and the process starts again.

Rather than me explain that part with thousands of words, just watch this three-minute video-” Why You Got Fat :”

youtube

Let’s get into some more reasons Paleo proponents indicate avoiding grains: most contain gluten and lectins.

What are they and what’s wrong with them? I’m so glad you asked :P TAGEND

Gluten is a protein found in things like rye, wheat, and barley. It’s now being said that much of our population may be gluten-intolerant( hence all the new “gluten-free! ” items popping up everywhere ). Over time, those people who have gluten intolerant can develop a dismal array of medical conditions from ingesting gluten: dermatitis, joint pain, reproductive problems, acid reflux, and more.[ 4 ] Lectins are natural toxins that are present in grains to defend against consumption! Yup. Grain have evolved to keep themselves from being feed by us. These lectins are not a fan of our gastrointestinal tract, and they prevent the tract from repairing itself from normal wear and tear. This can cause all kinds of damage.

Long story short: many people cannot process grains properly, and they are usually the food that causes people to eat too many calories. So by eliminating grains from your diet, you’re more likely than not going to eat fewer calories without counting calories.

That’s a Paleo win!

Do I Need to Avoid Carbs on the Paleo Diet?

Not necessarily.

That depends on your goals and your body – you are a special snowflake!

Some people function well on a high fat, low carb diet.

Others function better on a high carb, low fat diet.

Personally, I function better on a higher carb, lower fat diet( which is how I lost 22 pounds in 6 months ).

I will say the Paleo Diet is USUALLY a Low Carb diet, and large quantities of carbs are not required for somebody to be healthy regular diet.[ 5 ].

After all, carbs aren’t evil- they’re just…carbs.

Here is the logic and psychology behind why the Paleo Diet is low carb :P TAGEND

On a typical Western diet, we ingest plenty o’ carbs, and our bodies convert those carbs to a sugar called “glucose.” This is our body’s preferred method of fueling itself.

In the absence of carbs to create glucose to fuel our bodies, we have to do a few other things instead :P TAGEND

Transform stored fat into glycerol and fatty acids( this process is called lipolysis ). Burn fatty acids for energy or transform the fatty acids into glucose for energy( this is called gluconeogenesis) In the absence of glucose( through fasting or following a Keto Diet ), your body are generating ketones for fuel( called “ketogenesis” ).

We’re going to focus on the forms of weight loss NOT related to ” ketogenesis .” Unless you are avoiding all carbohydrates while running Paleo, or you are doing long fasts, you most likely won’t be in ketosis while running Paleo.

We do cover Paleo vs Keto: Which is Better if you’re deciding between the two.

Back to weight loss and Paleo: when you cut back on carbs, and thus most likely Also cut back on total calories devoured, you are creating a caloric deficit in your body.

And eat a consistent deficit over a long enough time period, BOOM caveman weight loss.

So, fewer carbs= less glucose in your system, less sugar accidents, less “hangry” moments and smaller opportunity of overeating= fewer calories devoured on average.

If you’re worried about adherence to the diet, I understand – it’s the toughest part of Paleo- sticking with it!

Knowing what to eat is part of it, but following this fairly restrictive lifestyle in a modern surrounding surrounded by cookies and candy and bagels and pasta is really difficult!

If this whole” Paleo, Carbs, and Weight Loss” thing is stressing you out, you’re not alone!

In fact, people like you are the reason we created our 1-on-1 Online Coaching Program!

We work with busy people like you to structure a complete life overhaul: handcrafted workout routines, accountability, mindset alters, and nutritional strategies.

Can I eat Dairy on the Paleo Diet? Can I feed Cheese On the Paleo Diet?

This also depends. Strict Paleo folks tend to stay away from it- a portion of the world is lactose intolerant, and those that aren’t usually have at least some type of an aversion to it.

Why? Because hunter-gatherers didn’t lug cows around with them while traveling- milk was ingested as a baby through breast milk from their mother, and that was it.

So as Paleo-stans will tell ya, our bodies weren’t designed for massive dairy consumption.

There is evidence that some adaptation to dairy has taken place throughout the years, specifically with people with pedigree in herding cultures, but this is not the majority of the population.[ 6 ]

Paleo purists will avoid dairy like the plague, while other paleo-ish people have found that eating dairy in its various sorts work for their genetics, objectives, and lifestyle.

“What about Cheese? Can I eat cheese on the Paleo Diet? ”

You do you, boo. But if you’re going Strict Paleo, then unfortunately cheese is OUT too.

If you’re just looking to lose some weight while following a “mostly Paleo” lifestyle, then adding some high quality cheese into some of your dinners can be okay.

Some cheese will tend to have lower amounts of lactose or casein- the parts of dairy that can cause digestion challenges.

So, if you’re not sure your body is processing dairy properly, remove dairy from your diet and only introduce it back in when you’re ready to see how your body responds.

If you’re not losing weight while eating a” Paleo+ Dairy” Diet, you’re still eating too many calories.

Consider cutting out dairy and see how your body responds.

Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of Food on the Paleo Diet

Because I like you as person or persons, I’ve generated a printable Paleo Diet Shopping List PDF you can bring with you to the grocery store to help you decide what to buy and what to avoid.

Simply right click on the image below and save as :P TAGEND

Feel free to publish this out and bringing it with you to the grocery store. If you happen to run into somebody else who has ALSO printed out this sheet, feel free to high five each other while singing Baltimora!

What is a Typical Day Like on the Paleo Diet?

Here is an example of a typical day on “The Paleo Diet” :P TAGEND

Breakfast: Omelet with spinach with fresh fruit. Lunch: Grilled chicken, kale, and avocado salad with vinegar and olive oil. Snack: Apple slicings and almond butter. Dinner: Steak with asparagus and sweet potato fries. Dessert: Strawberries and a piece of 85% darknes chocolate.

That doesn’t sound so bad, right?

Make sure you check out our Paleo Diet Recipes and Resources section too for more options.

Start with a good protein source with each dinner( eggs, steak, chicken, fish, pork) and then add a vegetable or fruit.

That’s it.

If you feel hungry constantly, understand that changing up a diet can cause a body a few weeks of adjustment.

Remember, your body is learning to operate on both fewer calories AND fewer carbs- depending on how low carb you go this could be a DRAMATIC change.

And this is often referred to as “carb flu, ” and it can be miserable! Your body might take multiple weeks to adjust to these new habits.

Going from a processed, high sodium diet to a paleo diet you will very often end up eating too little sodium, which is an essential nutrient.

So if you’re feeling tired all the time, try adding some salt to your food or consider an electrolyte supplement- this is what we recommend with our Keto readers too.

Is the Paleo Diet Dangerous?

The dismissive criticisms of the Paleo Diet generally fall into one of three categories :P TAGEND

Cavemen had short lifespans. So there. A recent article said that cavemen feed grains. So there. Eating that much meat is unhealthy. So there.

As I said at the beginning of this article, it doesn’t matter what cavemen or cavewomen ACTUALLY ate.

The reason this diet works has nothing to do with what our bodies are designed to eat or what cavemen feed 1,000 s of years ago.

The Paleo Diet CAN help you lose weight because it gets you to cut out junk food, focus on eating real food, and gives you a framework to evaluate speedily every food selection :P TAGEND

” Did a caveman eat this? Yes or no .”

That’s it!

By following this ONE rules, you’re likely to eat fewer calories than you used to, and thus you’re likely to end up healthier than before.

I personally don’t follow a Paleo Diet, but I do appreciate the fact that it’s easy to comprehend and gets people to take a more active approach in their food!

So, disregarding the fear mongering, tenet, and anthropological criticisms of what cavemen actually ate, what are the ACTUAL critiques of the Paleo Diet?

# 1)” Why is the Paleo Diet expensive ?”

Admittedly, while I recommend eating organic fruits and veggies, free-range chicken, and grass-fed beef whenever possible, these products can be more expensive in conventional stores due to the processes needed to get them there.

However, farmers’ marketplaces often have well-priced meat, eggs, fruits, and vegetables that are locally grown and incredibly healthy.

Even if you’re spending a little more money than before, when you factor in your overall health, spending a few extra bucks on healthier food now is a wiser investment than thousands later on costly medical expenses.

Also, if you’re really short on cash, feeing the non-organic or grain-fed version of a meat, vegetable, or eggs is still better than feeing bread, pasta, fast food, and the like.

Most people simply compare the cost of a paleo snack with ramen noodles or pasta and bread and determine Paleo is prohibitively expensive.

Sure, it’s more expensive than those foods, but if you are smart with your money you can eat a much healthier snack and do so pretty inexpensively. Check out this guide on” How to Eat Healthy Without Breaking the Bank” for some tip-off and tricks.

( This doesn’t even factor in the whole” if you eat inexpensive unhealthy food now, you’ll pay thousands in medical bills and hospital visits and drugs later” argument which is valid too ).

# 2)” But cavemen had short lifespans! Of course they don’t have the diseases we do. We live way longer now .”

I agree with you here, but only because you don’t have to deal with the dangers of living back then. Again we don’t really care to live like cave people!

This is SIMPLY a construct that can help many build more informed food choices.

# 3)” Plenty of societies around the world consume grains and aren’t fat and unhealthy like us .”

Awesome- it seems like those people have found a solution that works for them. Have you read our big ass guidebook to eating a Plant-Based Diet?

The China Study is frequently cited when blaming the Paleo Diet- are concentrated on a vegetarian diet and consuming rice is healthier than the Paleo Diet. I respectfully disagree with the conclusions drawn from that book but that’s awesome if you want to go plant-based! [ 7 ] I’ll leave you to induce your own conclusions based on your own self-experimentation.

You’re here to learn about the Paleo Diet though, so let’s keep the focus there.

# 4)” But this is just a meat diet, and eating all meat is bad !”

First of all, consider your sources and do your research before jumping to the conclusions.

Next, this is not an all meat diet like the Carnivore Diet or uber-low carb diets like Keto or Atkins. The biggest component of the Paleo Diet?

Vegetables!

Every meal in a true Paleo diet has a moderate amount of healthy( properly raised chicken, grass-fed beef, hormone free, etc .) meat combined with nutritious veggies or a moderate sum of fruit.

# 5)” The Paleo Diet is too restrictive and I can’t live like this .”

This is the most valid criticism I personally have of the diet, as the best diet plan is the one you actually stick with and be adhered to on! The goal shouldn’t be to go” full paleo” for a few weeks merely going to go to how you were eating before.

Instead, the goal here should be to rethink your relationship with food and develop a strategy that you can live with permanently.

There’s nothing worse than going on diets and gaining and losing the same 20 pounds over and over. The Paleo Diet, like other diets, WORKS ONLY IF YOU STICK WITH IT PERMANENTLY!

This attains sense after all: stimulate temporary changes, get temporary results, right?

# 6)” Steve, I hate veggies. How do you construct veggies taste better? HALP .”

I got you. Heres how to start liking vegetables and how to attain veggies savour better.

We know this all too well, and we have helped thousands of people slowwwwly transition their diet over a long period of time to make change less scary, more permanent, and thus attain the weight loss permanent too!

If you’re overwhelmed or scared of changing too much, or maybe you’re just sick of dieting and want to find a solution that works for your busy lifestyle and situation, schedule a bellow with us to gain a better understanding of our 1-on-1 coaching program :P TAGEND

Paleo Recipes and Paleo Resources

Here’s our full list of Nerd Fitness Paleo/ Healthy recipes, and here are my three favorites :P TAGEND

10 Minutes of Prep, 10 Easy Meals Paleo spaghetti: freaking delicious, I promise How to Make Mini Paleo Pizzas .

I’ve also compiled a list of my favorite sites and recipe books in various regions of the internet that can help you get started :P TAGEND

# 1) Nom Nom Paleo -~ ATAGEND Michelle Tam and her husband Henry are amazing people, and their Paleo Blog is absolutely phenomenal. Great photos. Well written. Organized intelligently.

Their “Nom Nom Paleo” cookbook is a fun resource too, and a great place to get started with cooking for your Paleo lifestyle. Oh, what’s that? You have children and a spouse and you’re all trying to eat healthier too? This book is perfect for that as well!

# 2) Mark’s Daily Apple– Easily the most comprehensive resource on the internet for the Paleo Diet- Mark writes an article every weekday about everything Paleo, and it usually blows me away. Some of the posts can get overwhelming, so I indicate starting with his Primal Blueprint 101.

The Primal Blueprint– If you want to read about this stuff in a volume rather than on a computer screen, Mark’s book The Primal Blueprint is a great place to get started on not only what to eat, but why you should be eating it.

It’s educational, funny, real-world applicable, and teaches you how to primalize( just made that up) the rest of your life too.

# 3) Robb Wolf– Another great resource, and a guy I’ve already referenced in this article multiple times. Check out his site for a comprehensive FAQ on all things Paleo, a shopping list pdf( right-click and save ), and plenty of humor.

The Paleo Solution– This article would have been finished 3 hours earlier, but before I wrote it, I read ALL of Robb’s new volume. It severely had me laughing out loud at certain phases- not bad for a book on diet!

This book is a little less forgiving than Mark’s book above, but it’s still a great read.

# 4) Loren Cordain– Loren is considered the leading expert on the Paleo Diet- Robb is actually one of his students/ disciples/ Padawans.

Dr. Cordain is probably the foremost authority on this type of eating, which is why I actually enjoyed read both of his volumes.

MORE RECIPE RESOURCES :P TAGEND

Ready or Not! 150 Make Now Recipes– The newer book from Michelle Tam of Nom Nom Paleo. It’s super fun. Plus she’s wearing a Nerd FItness t-shirt in some of her photos in the book, so I might be sliiiightly biased Mark’s Daily Apple– Although he sells the cookbook on Amazon, Mark also lists over 100 free primal recipes on his site. Pick something on the list, run buy the ingredients, and follow the instructions! So easy even a caveman can do it. Everyday Paleo– Great images, easy to follow recipes, and pretty interesting combinations. Click on FOOD in the Nav bar, and the meals are broken down into breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

If you’re curious about The Paleo Diet’s recent popularity and thus it’s criticisms, we’ve written two other pieces on Nerd Fitness that might be of interest :P TAGEND

” The Paleo Diet Debunked ??” where I address a few of the more recent criticisms that have popped up.

” In Defense of a Paleo-Ish Diet” where I encompass how to live a mostly Paleo lifestyle but still enjoy the modern benefits of society.

Who Should and Who Shouldn’t Do the Paleo Diet?

I’m a fan of the Paleo Diet for the RIGHT person:

I love mental models that help us make sense of the world, and I guess for SOME people, the Paleo Diet has certainly help them cut down on overeating.

I personally do NOT follow a Paleo Diet, but I do have regulations that I follow.

Do whatever makes you happy and fits in your schedule. I like this kind of stress-free eating.

Regardless of whether or not grains should be vilified, I love this diet because I know it WORKS. I know people that have lost incredible amounts of weight and changed their lives within a matter of months.

People like Staci :P TAGEND

Regardless of how you feel about grains, we can all agree that eating more natural foods and less processed foods is better for you.

YOU SHOULD DO THE PALEO DIET IF :P TAGEND

You struggle with section control( entailing you can’t eat merely one cookie, or you tend to keep feeing even when you’re full ). You can stick with the changes you’re making permanently! Remember, temporary changes create temporary outcomes. You don’t mind eliminating some of your favorite foods completely.

YOU SHOULD NOT DO THE PALEO DIET IF :P TAGEND

The notion of giving up non-paleo foods makes you want to cry. You don’t mind learning about calories and want to track your food. Another diet sounds like a better fit for you!

Consider some of these other options instead:

The Mediterranean Diet which still includes portions of things like pasta or bread( note: I said PORTIONS , not platefuls )! Our guide on healthy eating and slowly adjust your nutrition- which would be my recommendation. My paleo-ish dietary philosophy that holds me healthy and happy.

If you want to lose weight and keep it off, you need to attain permanent adjustments to your nutrition.

If you don’t see yourself being able to permanently follow a Paleo Diet, I would advise a more’ wade in from the shallow aim‘ approach to dietary change!

How to Do the Paleo Diet Safely

Maybe you’re ready to try out this Paleo lifestyle, but you can’t commit fully. There are certain foods you refuse to give up, or you can’t afford to buy grass-fed beef at the moment.

That’s okay!

If you can even make a few small changes here and there( cut out liquid calories, switching out your rice for steamed vegetables, cut back on bread, etc .) you’ll start to see some changes.

Remember, 20% healthier is better than 0% healthier- as you get more comfy with the changes you can increase that percentage.

After all, I know how tough it is to stay loyal to a strict diet, especially without a plan to follow. It’s why we created free resources that can help you reach your goals faster without you also going crazy.

Get rid of the temptation: if you’re gonna go at this thing with a full head of steam, remove all the junk food from your house.

It’s going to take a few weeks for your body to adjust to burning fat instead of glucose, and you might want to eat poorly here and there. If there’s no food in your house to tempt you, it will be much easier to stay on target.

Now, it’s your turn.

Have you tried the Paleo Diet yet? What was your experience like? Have a criticism of the diet that I didn’t cover before? Do you have a favorite paleo resource?

Remember, one of the major Rules of the Rebellion is to question everything!

I hope this article gives you some food for thought( terrible pun, I know ), and gives you permission to question conventional wisdom and start addressing the issues in your diet!

In addition to this Beginner Paleo Guide, I hope you consider checking our 1-on-1 Coaching Program as well.

We have designed this program from the ground up to help people like you change their lives and fix their nutrition in a way that doesn’t suck.

Now, go forth. And feed like a caveman.

-Steve

PS: I’ll leave you with a mention of the Nerd Fitness Academy– it essentially gamifies your experience in transitioning into a Paleo lifestyle and diet, and provides you with specific instruction, snack plans, workouts, and a supportive community.

###

photo sources: cavemen elephant hunt, caveman cooking over flame, cavemen hunt paleo bear, milk truck logo, darth vader vendor, storm trooper tomato, lego cook, chef and lego pig, lego explorer, lego muffin, lego bread and carbs, frozen caveman grok lego, lego clock, lego caveman forge for food, caveman with wheel, darth vader and ostrich lego, easing into water lego, lego man with pasta

Footnote( returns to text)

Adult Obesity Prevalence Map CDC.gov

What if its all Been a Big Fat Lie ? Take a look at this time magazine article on cancer patients who switched to a zero-sugar diet and assured positive results. You can read our full guide on Gluten check out the Inuit Paradox for a great read on societies that exist without almost any carbohydrates If you want to nerd out about this stuff, go wild with this study This is the most well-researched critique I’ve determine of the China Study: Denise Menger- China Study- Fact or Fallacy

Read more: nerdfitness.com

#best of #how to #paleo diet #sticky

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computerguideworld-blog · 6 years ago

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Paleo Diet Beginner Guide: 7 Things You Should Know Before Eating Like a Caveman!

New Post has been published on https://computerguideto.com/awesome/paleo-diet-beginner-guide-7-things-you-should-know-before-eating-like-a-caveman/

Paleo Diet Beginner Guide: 7 Things You Should Know Before Eating Like a Caveman!

So you wanna learn about the Paleo Diet, aka” the Caveman Diet ,” eh?

This is one of the most popular diets on the planet right now( up there with the Keto Diet ), and I bet you have questions.

Well I got answers, sucka!

And lots of LEGO photos.

In this massive guide, I’m going to give you the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to the Paleolithic Diet( click each link to go right to that section ):

What is the Paleo Diet and how does it work ? Will I lose weight on the Paleo Diet ? What can I eat on the Paleo Diet ? What foods CAN’T I eat on the Paleo Diet ? Can I feed grains on the Paleo Diet ? Can I feed dairy on the Paleo Diet? Can I feed cheese on the Paleo Diet ? Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of foods on the Paleo Diet What does a typical day look like on the Paleo Diet ? Is the Paleo Diet dangerous ? Paleo Recipes& Paleo Resources . Who shouldn’t do the Paleo Diet ? How to do the Paleo Diet safely .

Now, this guide is SUPER long, so we took the liberty of converting it into a nicely designed guidebook for easy consumption( not literal intake, unless you print it on bacon ).

Grab your Beginner’s Guide to the Paleo Diet free when you sign on in the box below: Get the FREE eBook! The Ultimate Beginner’s Guide to Paleo!

Discover if Paleo is for you

The one simple trick to know if your food is Paleo-friendly

Easy Paleo recipes for beginners to get you started

I identify as a:

Woman

Man

If you can actually apply the standards of the the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

As the great Mr. Flintstone once said, “Yabadabadooooo!”

What is the Paleo Diet and How does it Work?

Oh lord, another “diet.”

I know, it sounds like a fad/ marketing ploy, but The Paleo Diet isn’t really a “diet,” and it’s actually quite logical when you think about it.

It’s also the most time-tested diet ever.

Here’s the ENTIRE diet in a nutshell :P TAGEND

” If a cave person didn’t eat it, neither should you .”

As the theory runs, tens of thousands of years ago, before Nike, Cap’n Crunch, and Healthy Choice meals, our ancient ancestors flourished as hunter-gatherers.

Although it’s been a really long time, our genetics haven’t changed that much since then.

And yet…these days we’re overweight, out of shape, stressed out, unhappy, sleep deprived and dying from far too many preventable cancers due to lifestyle choices.

So what the hell happened?

Agriculture!

And then delivery and Netflix.

A few thousand years ago, humans detected farming, the agricultural revolution took off, and we advanced from hunter-gatherers to farmers.

We settled down, formed societies, and the human race progressed to what we are today. Which is obviously great for a number of reasons :P TAGEND

Not get eaten by wild animals Electricity Automobiles Nintendo

The problem is that our bodies never adjusted properly to eating all the grains and sugar that we’re now consuming.

As paleo guru Robb Wolf sets it, should be considered a 100 -yard football field :P TAGEND

The first 99.5 yards are how long Homo-Sapiens spent as hunter-gatherers. As they became Genuinely good at hunting and meeting our bodies adapted to that lifestyle over thousands of years.

That last half-yard represents our species after the agricultural revolution, where our diet has changed( but our genetics haven’t ).

So, instead of loading up on meat, vegetables and seasonal fruits, we’ve become a species “dependent” upon grains- bread, pasta, rice, corn, and so on.

66% of us are overweight, 33% are considered obese, and those numbers are only getting worse.[ 1 ]

Clearly something’s not right, and we need to fix it.

The Paleo Diet is an effort to go back to our ancestral roots.

To start eating how we’re biologically designed to eat, allowing us to tap into our genetic potential and start live healthier immediately.

To recap the rules of the Paleo Diet :P TAGEND

Only eat foods a caveman would eat See Rule# 1

Note that it doesn’t mention calorie counting or snack day or macro tracking. That’s part of the popularity of this diet: feed paleo approved foods when you’re hungry, and that’s it.

Will I Lose Weight on the Paleo Diet?

This is the question we get above all else :P TAGEND

” Will the Paleo Diet help me lose weight ?”

Probably. If you can actually apply the standards of the the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

It’s helped many people achieve jaw-dropping transformations, including my friend Saint,( whose narrative you can read here ):

Or Staci from Team NF, our leading female trainer in our 1-on-1 Coaching Program ):

The Paleo Diet will work for you, if you do it right.

You need to have the right mindset, you need to focus on the right foods, and you need to structure your environment so that you’re not seduced to backslide and abandon the Paleo Diet after a few days.

However, it has nothing to do with what Fred Flintstone ate or didn’t eat.

It comes down to science and thermodynamics.

As I point out in our article on How to Lose weight: What’s the Perfect Diet( For me ?), if you want to lose weight :P TAGEND

Eat fewer calories than you burn every day. Wishing to also be healthy? Eat mostly real food.

Want to KEEP the weight off?

Add# 3: Do those two things consistently for a decade.

Here’s WHY you’ll lose weight on the Paleo Diet:

You’re only feeing meat, fish, veggies, fruits, and nuts. These are foods that are full of nutrients, will make you feel full, but don’t have nearly as many calories as junk food. You are altogether eliminating calorie-dense, often nutritionally insufficient, unhealthy foods. This entails no grains( pasta, bread, rice ), no dairy , no beans. It also entails no soda , no candy , no sugar.

And yup. When you only feed real food and avoid all unhealthy food, you’re more likely than not going to run a caloric deficit- and thus lose weight.

Let me share a really obvious example.

200 calories of broccoli get you enough to fill up an entire plate :P TAGEND

Or … 200 calories will get you exactly 1/2 a Snickers bar :P TAGEND

Look at that: nobody can eat that much broccoli, and nobody only fees half a candy bar!

My point is this: by eating Paleo-approved foods, you’re more likely than not to eat fewer calories than you did in the past automatically, which can lead to weight loss.

I dig into this in even greater detail in” Why can’t I lose weight ?” but it all comes down to” calories in, calories out .”

So YES, the Paleo Diet MIGHT help you lose weight.

You simply need to eat fewer calories than you burn every day( Here’s how to calculate your Total Daily Energy Expenditure ). And that is easier when you are eliminating foods that people tend to overeat :P TAGEND

Candy Soda Pasta Bread Dairy

But that’s all about what we’re eliminating. What are we keeping !?

what Can I eat on The Paleo diet?

In order to follow the Paleo Diet Lifestyle, here are the foods that are Paleo approved :P TAGEND

Meat*- steak, ham, pork, bison, boar. Organs- liver, kidneys, heart. Marrow- find a topic here? Eat ALL parts of the animal! Fowl- chicken, duck, hen, turkey…things with wings that( try to) fly. Fish- cod, tuna, salmon, and so on. Eggs- Look for omega-3 enriched cage-free eggs. Vegetable- spinach, broccoli, kale, carrots, peppers, zucchini, onions, etc. Petroleum- minimally processed, derived from plants: olive oil, coconut oil, avocado oil. Fats: ghee, lard, or other animal fats. Fruit- apples, pears, bananas, grapes, strawberries. Nut- almonds, walnuts, cashews, and their respective butters( almond butter is so good !) Tubers- Sweet potatoes and yams.

* If you can, aim for grass-fed beef and organic fruits and veggies. But don’t go break the bank with your food buys. Merely do the best you can.

As the Paleo Diet explains: Pick any of the foods from that listing and eat as much as you want of them.

You might have noticed that a lot of the foods above are loaded with fat. And depending on what your mom told you growing up, you might believe fat is the devil.

So let me address that right away…

Does Eating Fat Make You Fat?

If you’re cut back on carbs, that means you’ll need to fill the void in your diet with the most controversial macronutrient :P TAGEND

Fat!

It’s gotten a bad rap over the past number of decades, so companies have been doing everything possible to induce everything low fat and “healthy! ”( while adding all sorts of preservatives, chemicals, and sugar ).

Yup…cut out the fat, increase the carbs….and look where THAT has gotten us.

Why has fat been vilified? Rather than get into the politics of it myself, I’ll let Gary Taubes, writer of the unbelievably thorough and well-researched Good Calories, Bad Calories take over.

As he discusses in an article he wrote for the New York Times a decade ago: [ 2 ]

These researchers point out that there are plenty of reasons to suggest that the low-fat-is-good-health hypothesis has now effectively failed the test of day.

They say that low-fat weight-loss diets have proved in clinical trials and real life to be dismal failings, and that on top of everything is, the percentage of fat in the American diet has been decreasing for two decades.

” Low fat” foods were created to follow conventional wisdom that fat hit you fat( which as stated in the above article doesn’t stand up to scrutiny ).

When a company makes a low fat food, they remove the fat and have to replace the flavor with something.

That “something” is usually sugar( and often more calories ).

Crap.

So, according to Taubes and Paleo folks, fat has been vilified and the real focus should have been on sugar and carbs all along.

Because healthy fats are valuable additions to our diet.

Here are some examples of Paleo-Approved Healthy Fats :P TAGEND

Avocados Almond( and almond butter) Fatty cuts of meat Walnuts Coconut oil Olive oil

In the Paleo Diet, fat constructions up a large portion of one’s diet.

If you’re worried about consuming fat and how it will affect your cholesterol, read our Full Guide to Cholesterol

WhAT Foods Can’t I eat On the Paleo Diet?

If you are looking to strictly follow the Paleo Diet, then you can’t eat foods that did not exist back in” Caveman day .”

Why?

So, that’s what the Paleo Diet advocates as the reason for avoiding these foods. And it serves as a good mental model to check with yourself: “Could a caveman have eaten this meal? ”

And when you start to answer this question, you identify the foods that you’re not allowed to eat on the Paleo Diet :P TAGEND

Grains like pasta, cereal bread, and rice Dairy like milk and cheese Candy, cookies, ice cream, and other processed foods

Many studies have shown that an incredible number of diseases and lifestyle issues can be reversed by cutting out sugar and processed foods.[ 3 ]

But I understand grains and dairy are a bit more complex.

Let me explain :P TAGEND Can I Eat Grains on the Paleo Diet?

Unfortunately , nope.

The Caveman reason why: Grains require some amount of processing, and thus Cavemen would not have consume them.

This leads to a sugar rush followed by a accident, which can lead to more emotional or hungry overeating…and the process starts again.

Rather than me explain that part with thousands of words, just watch this three-minute video-” Why You Got Fat :”

youtube

Let’s get into some more reasons Paleo proponents indicate avoiding grains: most contain gluten and lectins.

What are they and what’s wrong with them? I’m so glad you asked :P TAGEND

Gluten is a protein found in things like rye, wheat, and barley. It’s now being said that much of our population may be gluten-intolerant( hence all the new “gluten-free! ” items popping up everywhere ). Over time, those people who have gluten intolerant can develop a dismal array of medical conditions from ingesting gluten: dermatitis, joint ache, reproductive problems, acid reflux, and more.[ 4 ] Lectins are natural toxins that are present in grains to defend against consumption! Yup. Grains have evolved to keep themselves from being feed by us. These lectins are not a fan of our gastrointestinal tract, and they avoid the tract from repairing itself from normal wear and tear. This can cause all kinds of damage.

That’s a Paleo win!

Do I Need to Avoid Carbs on the Paleo Diet?

Not necessarily.

That depends on your goals and your body – you are a special snowflake!

Some people function well on a high fat, low carb diet.

Others function better on a high carb, low fat diet.

Personally, I function better on a higher carb, lower fat diet( which is how I lost 22 pounds in 6 months ).

I will say the Paleo Diet is USUALLY a Low Carb diet, and large quantities of carbs are not required for somebody to be healthy regular diet.[ 5 ].

After all, carbs aren’t evil- they’re just…carbs.

Here is the logic and psychology behind why the Paleo Diet is low carb :P TAGEND

On a typical Western diet, we ingest plenty o’ carbs, and our bodies convert those carbs to a sugar called “glucose.” This is our body’s preferred method of fueling itself.

In the absence of carbs to create glucose to fuel our bodies, we have to do a few other things instead :P TAGEND

Transform stored fat into glycerol and fatty acids( this process is called lipolysis ). Burn fatty acids for energy or transform the fatty acids into glucose for energy( this is called gluconeogenesis) In the absence of glucose( through fasting or following a Keto Diet ), your body can create ketones for fuel( called “ketogenesis” ).

We do cover Paleo vs Keto: Which is Better if you’re deciding between the two.

Back to weight loss and Paleo: when you cut back on carbs, and thus most likely ALSO cut back on total calories ingested, you are creating a caloric deficit in your body.

And eat a consistent deficit over a long enough time period, BOOM caveman weight loss.

So, fewer carbs= less glucose in your system, less sugar crashes, less “hangry” moments and smaller chance of overeating= fewer calories consumed on average.

If you’re worried about adherence to the diet, I understand – it’s the toughest part of Paleo- sticking with it!

Knowing what to eat is part of it, but following this fairly restrictive lifestyle in a modern environment surrounded by cookies and candy and bagels and pasta is really difficult!

If this whole” Paleo, Carbs, and Weight Loss” thing is stressing you out, you’re not alone!

In fact, people like you are the reason we created our 1-on-1 Online Coaching Program!

We work with busy people like you to structure a complete life overhaul: handcrafted workout routines, accountability, mindset alters, and nutritional strategies.

Can I feed Dairy on the Paleo Diet? Can I eat Cheese On the Paleo Diet?

This also depends. Strict Paleo folks tend to stay away from it- a portion of the world is lactose intolerant, and those that aren’t usually have at least some type of an aversion to it.

Why? Because hunter-gatherers didn’t lug cows around with them while traveling- milk was ingested as a baby through breast milk from their mother, and that was it.

So as Paleo-stans will tell ya, our bodies weren’t designed for massive dairy consumption.

There is evidence that some adaptation to dairy has taken place throughout the years, specifically with people with ancestry in herding cultures, but this is not the majority of the population.[ 6 ]

Paleo purists will avoid dairy like the beset, while other paleo-ish people have found that ingesting dairy in its various forms work for their genetics, goals, and lifestyle.

“What about Cheese? Can I feed cheese on the Paleo Diet? ”

You do you, boo. But if you’re going Strict Paleo, then unfortunately cheese is OUT too.

If you’re just looking to lose some weight while following a “mostly Paleo” lifestyle, then adding some high quality cheese into some of your snacks can be okay.

Some cheeses will tend to have lower sums of lactose or casein- the parts of dairy that can cause digestion challenges.

So, if you’re not sure your body is processing dairy properly, remove dairy from your diet and only introduce it back in when you’re ready to see how your body responds.

If you’re not losing weight while feeing a” Paleo+ Dairy” Diet, you’re still feeing too many calories.

Consider cutting out dairy and see how your body responds.

Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of Foods on the Paleo Diet

Because I like you as person or persons, I’ve created a printable Paleo Diet Shopping List PDF you can bring with you to the grocery store to help you decide what to buy and what to avoid.

Simply right click on the image below and save as :P TAGEND

Feel free to publish this out and bring it with you to the grocery store. If you happen to run into somebody else who has ALSO printed out this sheet, feel free to high five each other while singing Baltimora!

What is a Typical Day Like on the Paleo Diet?

Here is an example of a typical day on “The Paleo Diet” :P TAGEND

That doesn’t audio so bad, right?

Make sure you check out our Paleo Diet Recipes and Resource section too for more options.

Start with a good protein source with each dinner( eggs, steak, chicken, fish, pork) and then add a vegetable or fruit.

That’s it.

If you feel hungry constantly, understand that changing up a diet can cause a body a few weeks of adjustment.

Remember, your body is learning to operate on both fewer calories AND fewer carbs- depending on how low carb you go this could be a DRAMATIC change.

And this is often referred to as “carb flu, ” and it can be miserable! Your body might take multiple weeks to adjust to these new habits.

Going from a processed, high sodium diet to a paleo diet you will very often end up eating too little sodium, which is an essential nutrient.

So if you’re feeling tired all the time, try adding some salt to your food or consider an electrolyte supplement- this is what we recommend with our Keto readers too.

Is the Paleo Diet Dangerous?

The dismissive criticisms of the Paleo Diet generally fall into one of three categories :P TAGEND

Cavemen had short lifespans. So there. A recent article said that cavemen feed grains. So there. Eating that much meat is unhealthy. So there.

As I said at the beginning of this article, it doesn’t matter what cavemen or cavewomen ACTUALLY ate.

The reason this diet runs has nothing to do with what our bodies are designed to eat or what cavemen ate 1,000 s of years ago.

The Paleo Diet CAN help you lose weight because it gets you to cut out junk food, focus on eating real food, and gives you a framework to evaluate speedily every food choice :P TAGEND

” Did a caveman eat this? Yes or no .”

That’s it!

By following this ONE rules, you’re likely to eat fewer calories than you used to, and thus you’re likely to end up healthier than before.

I personally don’t follow a Paleo Diet, but I do appreciate the fact that it’s easy to comprehend and gets people to take a more active approach in their food!

So, disregarding the fear mongering, tenet, and anthropological criticisms of what cavemen actually ate, what are the ACTUAL criticisms of the Paleo Diet?

# 1)” Why is the Paleo Diet expensive ?”

However, farmers’ marketplaces often have well-priced meats, eggs, fruits, and vegetables that are locally grown and unbelievably healthy.

Also, if you’re really short on cash, feeing the non-organic or grain-fed version of a meat, vegetable, or eggs is still better than eating breads, pasta, fast food, and the like.

Most people simply compare the cost of a paleo meal with ramen noodles or pasta and bread and determine Paleo is prohibitively expensive.

Sure, it’s more expensive than those foods, but if you are smart with your fund you can eat a much healthier snack and do really pretty inexpensively. Check out this guide on” How to Eat Healthy Without Breaking the Bank” for some tip-off and tricks.

( This doesn’t even factor in the whole” if you feed cheap unhealthy food now, you’ll pay thousands in medical bills and hospital visits and medications later” argument which is valid too ).

# 2)” But cavemen had short lifespans! Of course they don’t have the diseases we do. We live style longer now .”

I agree with you here, but merely because you don’t have to deal with the dangers of living back then. Again we don’t really care to live like cave people!

This is SIMPLY a construct that can help many attain more informed food choices.

# 3)” Plenty of societies around the world consume grains and aren’t fat and unhealthy like us .”

Awesome- it seems like those people have found a solution that works for them. Have you read our big ass guidebook to eating a Plant-Based Diet?

The China Study is frequently cited when blaming the Paleo Diet- are concentrated on a vegetarian diet and ingesting rice is healthier than the Paleo Diet. I respectfully disagree with the conclusions drawn from that volume but that’s awesome if you want to go plant-based! [ 7 ] I’ll leave you to induce your own conclusions based on your own self-experimentation.

You’re here to learn about the Paleo Diet though, so let’s keep the focus there.

# 4)” But this is just a meat diet, and eating all meat is bad !”

First of all, consider your sources and do your search before jumping to the conclusions.

Next, this is not an all meat diet like the Carnivore Diet or uber-low carb diets like Keto or Atkins. The biggest component of the Paleo Diet?

Vegetables!

Every meal in a true Paleo diet has a moderate amount of healthy( properly raised chicken, grass-fed beef, hormone free, etc .) meat combined with nutritious veggies or a moderate quantity of fruit.

# 5)” The Paleo Diet is too restrictive and I can’t live like this .”

Instead, the goal here should be to rethink your relationship with food and develop a strategy that you can live with permanently.

There’s nothing worse than going on diets and gaining and losing the same 20 pounds over and over. The Paleo Diet, like other diets, WORKS ONLY IF YOU STICK WITH IT PERMANENTLY!

This attains sense after all: stimulate temporary alterations, get temporary results, right?

# 6)” Steve, I hate vegetables. How do you induce veggies savour better? HALP .”

I got you. Heres how to start liking vegetables and how to construct veggies savour better.

We know this all too well, and we have helped thousands of people slowwwwly transition their diet over a long period of time to make change less scary, more permanent, and thus construct the weight loss permanent too!

Paleo Recipes and Paleo Resource

Here’s our full list of Nerd Fitness Paleo/ Healthy recipes, and here are my three favourites :P TAGEND

10 Minutes of Prep, 10 Easy Meals Paleo spaghetti: freaking delicious, I promise How to Make Mini Paleo Pizzas .

I’ve also compiled a list of my favorite sites and recipe books around the internet that can help you get started :P TAGEND

# 1) Nom Nom Paleo -~ ATAGEND Michelle Tam and her husband Henry are amazing people, and their Paleo Blog is absolutely phenomenal. Great photos. Well written. Organized intelligently.

Their “Nom Nom Paleo” cookbook is a fun resource too, and a great place to get started with cooking for your Paleo lifestyle. Oh, what’s that? You have kids and a spouse and you’re all trying to eat healthier too? This volume is perfect for that as well!

It’s educational, funny, real-world applicable, and teaches you how to primalize( just made that up) the rest of your life too.

The Paleo Solution– This article would have been finished 3 hours earlier, but before I wrote it, I read ALL of Robb’s new book. It severely had me chuckling out loud at certain points- not bad for a volume on diet!

This book is a little less forgiving than Mark’s book above, but it’s still a great read.

# 4) Loren Cordain– Loren is considered the leading expert on the Paleo Diet- Robb is actually one of his students/ followers/ Padawans.

Dr. Cordain is probably the foremost authority on this type of eating, which is why I really enjoyed reading both of his books.

MORE RECIPE Resource :P TAGEND

Ready or Not! 150 Make Now Recipes– The newer book from Michelle Tam of Nom Nom Paleo. It’s super fun. Plus she’s wearing a Nerd FItness t-shirt in some of her photos in the book, so I might be sliiiightly biased Mark’s Daily Apple– Although he sells the cookbook on Amazon, Mark also lists over 100 free primal recipes on his site. Pick something on the list, go buy the ingredients, and follow the instructions! So easy even a caveman can do it. Everyday Paleo– Great paintings, easy to follow recipes, and pretty interesting combinations. Click on FOOD in the Nav bar, and the meals are broken down into breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

If you’re curious about The Paleo Diet’s recent popularity and thus it’s criticisms, we’ve written two other pieces on Nerd Fitness that might be of interest :P TAGEND

” The Paleo Diet Debunked ??” where I address a few of the more recent criticisms that have popped up.

” In Defense of a Paleo-Ish Diet” where I cover how to live a largely Paleo lifestyle but still enjoy the modern benefits of society.

Who Should and Who Shouldn’t Do the Paleo Diet?

I’m a fan of the Paleo Diet for the RIGHT person:

I love mental models that help us make sense of the world, and I suppose for SOME people, the Paleo Diet has certainly help them cut down on overeating.

I personally do NOT follow a Paleo Diet, but I do have rules that I follow.

Do whatever builds you happy and accommodates in your schedule. I like this kind of stress-free eating.

Regardless of whether or not grains should be vilified, I love this diet because I know it WORKS. I know people that have lost incredible amounts of weight and altered their lives within a matter of months.

People like Staci :P TAGEND

Regardless of how you feel about grains, we can all agree that eating more natural foods and less processed foods is better for you.

YOU SHOULD DO THE PALEO DIET IF :P TAGEND

You struggle with portion control( entailing you can’t eat just one cookie, or you tend to keep eating even when you’re full ). You can stick with the changes you’re making permanently! Remember, temporary alters make temporary results. You don’t mind eliminating some of your favorite foods entirely.

YOU SHOULD NOT DO THE PALEO DIET IF :P TAGEND

The idea of giving up non-paleo foods makes you want to cry. You don’t mind learning about calories and want to track your food. Another diet sounds like a better fit for you!

Consider some of these other options instead:

The Mediterranean Diet which still includes portions of things like pasta or bread( note: I said Sections , not platefuls )! Our guide on healthy eating and slowly adjust your nutrition- which would be my recommendation. My paleo-ish dietary philosophy that maintains me healthy and happy.

If you want to lose weight and keep it off, you need to make permanent adjustments to your nutrition.

If you don’t see yourself being able to permanently follow a Paleo Diet, I would advise a more’ wade in from the shallow end‘ approach to dietary change!

How to Do the Paleo Diet Safely

Maybe you’re ready to try out this Paleo lifestyle, but you can’t commit fully. There are certain foods you refuse to give up, or you can’t afford to buy grass-fed beef at the moment.

That’s okay!

If you can even make a few small changes here and there( cut out liquid calories, switching out your rice for steamed veggies, cut back on bread, etc .) you’ll start to see some changes.

Remember, 20% healthier is better than 0% healthier- as you get more comfortable with the changes you can increase that percentage.

Get rid of the temptation: if you’re gonna go at this thing with a full head of steam, remove all the junk food from your house.

Now, it’s your turn.

Have you tried the Paleo Diet yet? What was your experience like? Have a criticism of the diet that I didn’t cover before? Do you have a favorite paleo resource?

Remember, one of the major Rules of the Rebellion is to question everything!

I hope this article gives you some food for thought( terrible pun, I know ), and gives you permission to question conventional wisdom and start addressing the issues in your diet!

In addition to this Beginner Paleo Guide, I hope you consider checking our 1-on-1 Coaching Program as well.

We have designed this program from the ground up to help people like you change their lives and fix their nutrition in a way that doesn’t suck.

Now, go forth. And feed like a caveman.

-Steve

###

Footnotes( returns to text)

Adult Obesity Prevalence Map CDC.gov

What if its all Been a Big Fat Lie ? Take a look at this time magazine article on cancer patients who switched to a zero-sugar diet and considered positive results. You can read our full guide on Gluten check out the Inuit Paradox for a great read on societies that exist without almost any carbohydrates If you want to nerd out about this stuff, go wild with this study This is the most well-researched criticism I’ve receive of the China Study: Denise Menger- China Study- Fact or Fallacy

Read more: nerdfitness.com

#best of #how-to #paleo diet #sticky

0 notes

fitnessexpert00-blog · 6 years ago

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Paleo Diet Beginner Guide: 7 Things You Should Know Before Eating Like a Caveman!

New Post has been published on https://fitnessqia.com/awesome/paleo-diet-beginner-guide-7-things-you-should-know-before-eating-like-a-caveman/

Paleo Diet Beginner Guide: 7 Things You Should Know Before Eating Like a Caveman!

So you wanna learn about the Paleo Diet, aka” the Caveman Diet ,” eh?

This is one of the most popular diets on the planet right now( up there with the Keto Diet ), and I bet you have questions.

Well I got answers, sucka!

And lots of LEGO photos.

In this massive guidebook, I’m going to give you the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to the Paleolithic Diet( click each link to go right to that segment ):

What is the Paleo Diet and how does it run ? Will I lose weight on the Paleo Diet ? What can I eat on the Paleo Diet ? What foods CAN’T I eat on the Paleo Diet ? Can I eat grains on the Paleo Diet ? Can I feed dairy on the Paleo Diet? Can I feed cheese on the Paleo Diet ? Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of foods on the Paleo Diet What does a typical day look like on the Paleo Diet ? Is the Paleo Diet dangerous ? Paleo Recipes& Paleo Resource . Who shouldn’t do the Paleo Diet ? How to do the Paleo Diet safely .

Now, this guide is SUPER long, we are therefore took the liberty of converting it into a nicely designed guidebook for easy consumption( not literal intake, unless you publish it on bacon ).

Grab your Beginner’s Guide to the Paleo Diet free when you sign up in the box below: Get the FREE eBook! The Ultimate Beginner’s Guide to Paleo!

Discover if Paleo is for you

The one simple trick to know if your food is Paleo-friendly

Easy Paleo recipes for beginners to get you started

I identify as a:

Woman

Man

If you can actually apply the standards of the the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

As the great Mr. Flintstone once said, “Yabadabadooooo!”

What is the Paleo Diet and How does it Work?

Oh lord, another “diet.”

I know, it sounds like a fad/ marketing gambit, but The Paleo Diet isn’t really a “diet,” and it’s actually quite logical when you think about it.

It’s also the most time-tested diet ever.

Here’s the ENTIRE diet in a nutshell :P TAGEND

” If a cave person didn’t eat it, neither should you .”

As the hypothesi goes, tens of thousands of years ago, before Nike, Cap’n Crunch, and Healthy Choice snacks, our ancient ancestors flourished as hunter-gatherers.

Although it’s been a really long time, our genetics haven’t altered that much since then.

And yet…these days we’re overweight, out of shape, stressed out, unhappy, sleep deprived and dying from far too many preventable illness due to lifestyle choices.

So what the hell happened?

Agriculture!

And then delivery and Netflix.

A few thousand years ago, humans detected farming, the agricultural revolution took off, and we advanced from hunter-gatherers to farmers.

We determined down, formed societies, and the human race progressed to what we are today. Which is obviously great for a number of reasons :P TAGEND

Not getting eaten by wild animals Electricity Automobiles Nintendo

The problem is that our bodies never adjusted properly to eating all the grains and sugar that we’re now consuming.

As paleo guru Robb Wolf sets it, should be considered a 100 -yard football field :P TAGEND

The first 99.5 yards are how long Homo-Sapiens spent as hunter-gatherers. As they became Really good at hunting and collecting our bodies adapted to that lifestyle over thousands of years.

That last half-yard represents our species after the agricultural revolution, where our diet has shifted( but our genetics haven’t ).

So, instead of loading up on meat, vegetables and seasonal fruits, we’ve become a species “dependent” upon grains- bread, pasta, rice, corn, and so on.

66% of us are overweight, 33% are considered obese, and those numbers are only getting worse.[ 1 ]

Clearly something’s not right, and we need to fix it.

The Paleo Diet is an effort to go back to our ancestral roots.

To start eating how we’re biologically designed to eat, allowing us to tap into our genetic potential and start live healthier immediately.

To recap the rules of the Paleo Diet :P TAGEND

Only feed foods a caveman would eat See Rule# 1

Note that it doesn’t mention calorie counting or meal period or macro tracking. That’s part of the popularity of this diet: feed paleo approved foods when you’re hungry, and that’s it.

Will I Lose Weight on the Paleo Diet?

This is the question we get above all else :P TAGEND

” Will the Paleo Diet assist me lose weight ?”

Probably. If you can actually apply the rules of the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

It’s helped many people attain jaw-dropping transformations, including my friend Saint,( whose narrative you can read here ):

Or Staci from Team NF, our result female trainer in our 1-on-1 Coaching Program ):

The Paleo Diet will work for you, if you do it right.

However, it has nothing to do with what Fred Flintstone ate or didn’t eat.

It comes down to science and thermodynamics.

As I point out in our article on How to Lose Weight: What’s the Perfect Diet( For me ?), if you want to lose weight :P TAGEND

Eat fewer calories than you burn every day. Want to also be healthy? Eat mostly real food.

Want to KEEP the weight off?

Add# 3: Do those two things consistently for a decade.

Here’s WHY you’ll lose weight on the Paleo Diet:

You’re merely feeing meat, fish, veggies, fruit, and nuts. These are foods that are full of nutrients, will construct you feel full, but don’t have nearly as many calories as junk food. You are altogether eliminating calorie-dense, often nutritionally insufficient, unhealthy foods. This means no grains( pasta, bread, rice ), no dairy , no beans. It also entails no soda , no candy , no sugar.

And yup. When you only feed real food and avoided all unhealthy food, you’re more likely than not going to run a caloric deficit- and thus lose weight.

Let me share a really obvious example.

200 calories of broccoli get you enough to fill up an entire plate :P TAGEND

Or … 200 calories will get you exactly 1/2 a Snickers bar :P TAGEND

Look at that: nobody can eat that much broccoli, and nobody only fees half a candy bar!

My point is this: by eating Paleo-approved foods, you’re more likely than not to eat fewer calories than you did in the past automatically, which can lead to weight loss.

I dig into this in even greater detail in” Why can’t I lose weight ?” but it all comes down to” calories in, calories out .”

So YES, the Paleo Diet MIGHT help you lose weight.

Candy Soda Pasta Bread Dairy

But that’s all about what we’re eliminating. What are we maintaining !?

what Can I eat on The Paleo diet?

In order to follow the Paleo Diet Lifestyle, here are the foods that are Paleo endorse :P TAGEND

Meat*- steak, ham, pork, bison, boar. Organs- liver, kidneys, heart. Marrow- insuring a topic here? Eat ALL parts of the animal! Fowl- chicken, duck, hen, turkey…things with wings that( try to) fly. Fish- cod, tuna, salmon, and so on. Eggs- Look for omega-3 enriched cage-free eggs. Veggie- spinach, broccoli, kale, carrots, peppers, zucchini, onions, etc. Petroleum- minimally processed, derived from plants: olive oil, coconut oil, avocado petroleum. Fats: ghee, lard, or other animal fats. Fruits- apples, pears, bananas, grapes, strawberries. Nuts- almonds, walnuts, cashews, and their respective butters( almond butter is so good !) Tubers- Sweet potatoes and yams.

* If you can, aim for grass-fed beef and organic fruits and vegetables. But don’t go break the bank with your food purchases. Merely do the best you can.

As the Paleo Diet explains: Pick any of the foods from that listing and eat as much as you want of them.

You might have noticed that a lot of the foods above are loaded with fat. And depending on what your mom told you growing up, you might believe fat is the devil.

So let me address that right away…

Does Eating Fat Make You Fat?

If you’re cutting back on carbs, that means you’ll need to fill the void in your diet with the most controversial macronutrient :P TAGEND

Fat!

It’s gotten a bad rap over the past number of decades, so companies have been doing everything possible to make everything low fat and “healthy! ”( while adding all sorts of preservatives, chemicals, and sugar ).

Yup…cut out the fat, increase the carbs….and appear where THAT has gotten us.

Why has fat been vilified? Rather than get into the politics of it myself, I’ll let Gary Taubes, author of the incredibly thorough and well-researched Good Calories, Bad Calories take over.

As he discusses in an article he wrote for the New York Times a decade ago: [ 2 ]

These researchers point out that there are plenty of reasons to suggest that the low-fat-is-good-health hypothesis has now effectively failed the test of period.

Our cholesterol levels have been declining, and we have been smoking less, and yet the incidence of heart disease has not declined as expected to be completed.” That is very disconcerting ,” Willett says.” It suggests that something else bad is happening .”

” Low fat” foods were created to follow conventional wisdom that fat construct you fat( which as stated in the above article doesn’t stand up to scrutiny ).

When a company makes a low fat food, they remove the fat and have to replace the flavor with something.

That “something” is usually sugar( and often more calories ).

Crap.

So, according to Taubes and Paleo folks, fat has been vilified and the real focus should have been on sugar and carbs all along.

Because healthy fats are valuable additions to our diet.

Here are some examples of Paleo-Approved Healthy Fats :P TAGEND

Avocados Almond( and almond butter) Fatty cuts of meat Walnuts Coconut oil Olive oil

In the Paleo Diet, fat constructions up a large portion of one’s diet.

If you’re worried about consuming fat and how it will affect your cholesterol, read our Full Guide to Cholesterol

WhAT Foods Can’t I feed On the Paleo Diet?

If you are looking to strictly follow the Paleo Diet, then you can’t eat foods that did not exist back in” Caveman day .”

Why?

So, that’s what the Paleo Diet advocates as the reason for avoiding these foods. And it serves as a good mental model to check with yourself: “Could a caveman have eaten this snack? ”

And when you start to answer this question, you specifying the foods that you’re not allowed to eat on the Paleo Diet :P TAGEND

Grains like pasta, cereal bread, and rice Dairy like milk and cheese Candy, cookies, ice cream, and other processed foods

Many studies have shown that an incredible number of diseases and lifestyle issues can be reversed by cutting out sugar and processed foods.[ 3 ]

But I understand grains and dairy are a bit more complex.

Let me explain :P TAGEND Can I Eat Grains on the Paleo Diet?

Unfortunately , nope.

The Caveman reason why: Grains require some amount of processing, and thus Cavemen would not have feed them.

The science and psychological reason why: we have a tendency to overeat grains and the other ” no no” foods on the Paleo Diet. They are calorically dense, nutrient deficient, and they can wreak havoc on some people’s blood sugar levels.

This leads to a sugar rush be accompanied by a crash, which can lead to more emotional or hungry overeating…and the process starts again.

Rather than me explain that part with thousands of words, just watch this three-minute video-” Why You Got Fat :”

youtube

Let’s get into some more reasons Paleo proponents indicate avoiding grains: most contain gluten and lectins.

What are they and what’s wrong with them? I’m so glad you asked :P TAGEND

Gluten is a protein found in things like rye, wheat, and barley. It’s now being said that much of our population may be gluten-intolerant( hence all the new “gluten-free! ” items popping up everywhere ). Over period, those people who have gluten intolerant can develop a dismal array of medical conditions from consuming gluten: dermatitis, joint pain, reproductive problems, acid reflux, and more.[ 4 ] Lectins are natural toxins that are present in grains to defend against consumption! Yup. Grains have evolved to keep themselves from being eaten by us. These lectins are not a fan of our gastrointestinal tract, and they prevent the tract from repairing itself from normal wear and tear. This can cause all kinds of damage.

That’s a Paleo win!

Do I Need to Avoid Carbs on the Paleo Diet?

Not inevitably.

That depends on your goals and your body – you are a special snowflake!

Some people function well on a high fat, low carb diet.

Others function better on a high carb, low fat diet.

Personally, I function better on a higher carb, lower fat diet( which is how I lost 22 pounds in 6 months ).

I will say the Paleo Diet is USUALLY a Low Carb diet, and large quantities of carbs are not required for somebody to be healthy regular diet.[ 5 ].

After all, carbs aren’t evil- they’re just…carbs.

Here is the logic and psychology behind why the Paleo Diet is low carb :P TAGEND

On a typical Western diet, we devour plenty o’ carbs, and our bodies convert those carbs to a sugar called “glucose.” This is our body’s preferred method of fueling itself.

In the absence of carbs to create glucose to fuel our bodies, we have to do a few other things instead :P TAGEND

We do cover Paleo vs Keto: Which is Better if you’re deciding between the two.

Back to weight loss and Paleo: when you cut back on carbs, and thus most likely ALSO cut back on total calories ate, you are creating a caloric deficit in your body.

And eat a consistent deficit over a long enough time period, BOOM caveman weight loss.

So, fewer carbs= less glucose in your system, less sugar crashes, less “hangry” moments and smaller chance of overeating= fewer calories consumed on average.

If you’re worried about adherence to the diet, I understand – it’s the toughest part of Paleo- sticking with it!

Knowing what to eat is part of it, but following this fairly restrictive lifestyle in a modern environment surrounded by cookies and candy and bagels and pasta is really difficult!

If this whole” Paleo, Carbs, and Weight Loss” thing is emphasizing you out, you’re not alone!

In fact, people like you are the reason we created our 1-on-1 Online Coaching Program!

We work with busy people like you to structure a complete life overhaul: handcrafted workout routines, accountability, mindset changes, and nutritional strategies.

Can I feed Dairy on the Paleo Diet? Can I feed Cheese On the Paleo Diet?

This also depends. Strict Paleo folks tend to stay away from it- a portion of the world is lactose intolerant, and those that aren’t usually have at least some type of an aversion to it.

Why? Because hunter-gatherers didn’t lug cows around with them while traveling- milk was eaten as a newborn through breast milk from their mom, and that was it.

So as Paleo-stans will tell ya, our bodies weren’t designed for massive dairy consumption.

There is evidence that some adaptation to dairy has taken place throughout the years, specifically with people with pedigree in herding cultures, but this is not the majority of the population.[ 6 ]

Paleo purists will avoid dairy like the plague, while other paleo-ish people have found that devouring dairy in its various sorts work for their genetics, aims, and lifestyle.

“What about Cheese? Can I eat cheese on the Paleo Diet? ”

You do you, boo. But if you’re going Strict Paleo, then regrettably cheese is OUT too.

If you’re just looking to lose some weight while following a “mostly Paleo” lifestyle, then adding some high quality cheese into some of your meals can be okay.

Some cheeses will tend to have lower amounts of lactose or casein- the parts of dairy that can cause digestion challenges.

So, if you’re not sure your body is processing dairy properly, remove dairy from your diet and only introduce it back in when you’re ready to see how your body responds.

If you’re not losing weight while feeing a” Paleo+ Dairy” Diet, you’re still eating too many calories.

Consider cutting out dairy and see how your body responds.

Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of Food on the Paleo Diet

Because I like you as a person, I’ve generated a printable Paleo Diet Shopping List PDF you can bring with you to the grocery store to help you decide what to buy and what to avoid.

Simply right click on the image below and save as :P TAGEND

What is a Typical Day Like on the Paleo Diet?

Here is an example of a typical day on “The Paleo Diet” :P TAGEND

That doesn’t voice so bad, right?

Make sure you check out our Paleo Diet Recipes and Resources section too for more options.

Start with a good protein source with each dinner( eggs, steak, chicken, fish, pork) and then add a vegetable or fruit.

That’s it.

If you feel hungry constantly, understand that changing up a diet can cause a body a few weeks of adjustment.

Remember, your body is learning to operate on both fewer calories AND fewer carbs- depending on how low carb you go this could be a DRAMATIC change.

And this is often referred to as “carb flu, ” and it can be miserable! Your body might take multiple weeks to adjust to these new habits.

Going from a processed, high sodium diet to a paleo diet you will very often end up eating too little sodium, which is an essential nutrient.

So if you’re feeling tired all the time, try adding some salt to your food or consider an electrolyte supplement- this is what we recommend with our Keto readers too.

Is the Paleo Diet Dangerous?

The dismissive criticisms of the Paleo Diet generally fall into one of three categories :P TAGEND

Cavemen had short lifespans. So there. A recent article said that cavemen eat grains. So there. Eating that much meat is unhealthy. So there.

As I said at the beginning of this article, it doesn’t matter what cavemen or cavewomen ACTUALLY ate.

The reason this diet works has nothing to do with what our bodies are designed to eat or what cavemen ate 1,000 s of years ago.

The Paleo Diet CAN help you lose weight because it gets you to cut out junk food, focus on eating real food, and gives you a framework to evaluate speedily every food selection :P TAGEND

” Did a caveman eat this? Yes or no .”

That’s it!

By following this ONE rules, you’re likely to eat fewer calories than you used to, and thus you’re likely to end up healthier than before.

I personally don’t follow a Paleo Diet, but I do appreciate the fact that it’s easy to comprehend and gets people to take a more active approach in their food!

So, disregarding the fear mongering, tenet, and anthropological criticisms of what cavemen actually eat, what are the ACTUAL criticisms of the Paleo Diet?

# 1)” Why is the Paleo Diet expensive ?”

Admittedly, while I recommend feeing organic fruits and veggies, free-range chicken, and grass-fed beef whenever possible, these products can be more expensive in conventional stores due to the processes needed to get them there.

However, farmers’ marketplaces often have well-priced meats, eggs, fruit, and vegetables that are locally grown and unbelievably healthy.

Also, if you’re really short on money, eating the non-organic or grain-fed version of a meat, vegetable, or eggs is still better than eating bread, pasta, fast food, and the like.

Most people simply compare the cost of a paleo dinner with ramen noodles or pasta and bread and determine Paleo is prohibitively expensive.

( This doesn’t even factor in the whole” if you eat inexpensive unhealthy food now, you’ll pay thousands in medical bills and hospital visits and drugs later” argument which is valid too ).

# 2)” But cavemen had short lifespans! Of course they don’t have the diseases we do. We live route longer now .”

I agree with you here, but only because you don’t have to deal with the dangers of living back then. Again we don’t really care to live like cave people!

This is SIMPLY a construct that can help many make more informed food choices.

# 3)” Plenty of societies around the world consume grains and aren’t fat and unhealthy like us .”

Awesome- it seems like those people have found a solution that works for them. Have you read our big ass guidebook to eating a Plant-Based Diet?

The China Study is frequently cited when blaming the Paleo Diet- focusing on a vegetarian diet and devouring rice is healthier than the Paleo Diet. I respectfully disagree with the conclusions be learned from that volume but that’s awesome if you want to go plant-based! [ 7 ] I’ll leave you to make your own conclusions based on your own self-experimentation.

You’re here to learn about the Paleo Diet though, so let’s keep the focus there.

# 4)” But this is just a meat diet, and feeing all meat is bad !”

First of all, consider your sources and do your search before jumping to the conclusions.

Next, this is not an all meat diet like the Carnivore Diet or uber-low carb diets like Keto or Atkins. The biggest component of the Paleo Diet?

Vegetables!

Every meal in a true Paleo diet has a moderate amount of healthy( properly created chicken, grass-fed beef, hormone free, etc .) meat combined with nutritious veggies or a moderate amount of fruit.

# 5)” The Paleo Diet is too restrictive and I can’t live like this .”

This is the most valid criticism I personally have of the diet, as the best diet plan is the one you actually stick with and be adhered to on! The aim shouldn’t be to go” full paleo” for a few weeks only to go back to how you were eating before.

Instead, the goal here should be to rethink your relationship with food and develop a strategy that you can live with permanently.

There’s nothing worse than going on diets and gaining and losing the same 20 pounds over and over. The Paleo Diet, like other diets, WORKS ONLY IF YOU STICK WITH IT PERMANENTLY!

This attains sense after all: build temporary alterations, get temporary outcomes, right?

# 6)” Steve, I dislike veggies. How do you induce veggies savor better? HALP .”

I got you. Heres how to start liking vegetables and how to induce veggies savor better.

We know this all too well, and we have helped thousands of people slowwwwly transition their diet over a long period of time to make change less scary, more permanent, and thus induce the weight loss permanent too!

If you’re overwhelmed or scared of changing too much, or maybe you’re just sick of dieting and want to find a solution that works for your busy lifestyle and situation, schedule a call with us to gain a better understanding of our 1-on-1 coaching program :P TAGEND

Paleo Recipes and Paleo Resource

Here’s our full list of Nerd Fitness Paleo/ Healthy recipes, and here are my three favourites :P TAGEND

10 Minutes of Prep, 10 Easy Meals Paleo spaghetti: freaking delicious, I promise How to Make Mini Paleo Pizzas .

I’ve also compiled a listing of my favorite sites and recipe volumes around the internet that can help you get started :P TAGEND

# 1) Nom Nom Paleo -~ ATAGEND Michelle Tam and her husband Henry are amazing people, and their Paleo Blog is absolutely phenomenal. Great photos. Well written. Organized intelligently.

It’s educational, funny, real-world applicable, and teaches you how to primalize( just made that up) the rest of your life too.

The Paleo Solution– This article would have been finished 3 hours earlier, but before I wrote it, I read ALL of Robb’s new volume. It severely had me laughing out loud at certain points- not bad for a volume on diet!

This book is a little less forgiving than Mark’s book above, but it’s still a great read.

# 4) Loren Cordain– Loren is considered the leading expert on the Paleo Diet- Robb is actually one of his students/ adherents/ Padawans.

Dr. Cordain is probably the foremost authority on this type of eating, which is why I truly enjoyed reading both of his volumes.

MORE RECIPE Resource :P TAGEND

Ready or Not! 150 Make Now Recipes– The newer volume from Michelle Tam of Nom Nom Paleo. It’s super fun. Plus she’s wearing a Nerd FItness t-shirt in some of her photos in the book, so I might be sliiiightly biased Mark’s Daily Apple– Although he sells the cookbook on Amazon, Mark also lists over 100 free primal recipes on his site. Pick something on the listing, run buy the ingredients, and follow the instructions! So easy even a caveman can do it. Everyday Paleo– Great paintings, easy to follow recipes, and pretty interesting combinations. Click on FOOD in the Nav bar, and the meals are broken down into breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

If you’re curious about The Paleo Diet’s recent popularity and thus it’s criticisms, we’ve written two other pieces on Nerd Fitness that might be of interest :P TAGEND

” The Paleo Diet Debunked ??” where I address a few of the more recent criticisms that have popped up.

” In Defense of a Paleo-Ish Diet” where I cover how to live a largely Paleo lifestyle but still enjoy the modern benefits of society.

Who Should and Who Shouldn’t Do the Paleo Diet?

I’m a fan of the Paleo Diet for the RIGHT person:

I love mental models that help us make sense of the world, and I think for SOME people, the Paleo Diet has certainly help them cut down on overeating.

I personally do NOT follow a Paleo Diet, but I do have rules that I follow.

Do whatever attains you happy and fits in your schedule. I like this kind of stress-free eating.

People like Staci :P TAGEND

Regardless of how you feel about grains, we can all agree that eating more natural foods and less processed foods is better for you.

YOU SHOULD DO THE PALEO DIET IF :P TAGEND

You struggle with portion control( meaning you can’t eat only one cookie, or you tend to keep feeing even when you’re full ). You can stick with the changes you’re making permanently! Remember, temporary alters make temporary outcomes. You don’t mind eliminating some of your favorite foods entirely.

YOU SHOULD NOT DO THE PALEO DIET IF :P TAGEND

The notion of giving up non-paleo foods attains you want to cry. You don’t mind learning about calories and want to track your food. Another diet sounds like a better fit for you!

Consider some of these other options instead:

If you want to lose weight and keep it off, you need to stimulate permanent adjustments to your nutrition.

If you don’t see yourself being able to permanently follow a Paleo Diet, I would advise a more’ wade in from the shallow end‘ approach to dietary change!

How to Do the Paleo Diet Safely

Maybe you’re ready to try out this Paleo lifestyle, but you can’t commit fully. There are certain foods you refuse to give up, or you can’t afford to buy grass-fed beef at the moment.

That’s okay!

If you can even make a few small changes here and there( cut out liquid calories, switch out your rice for steamed vegetables, cut back on bread, etc .) you’ll start to see some changes.

Remember, 20% healthier is better than 0% healthier- as you get more comfortable with the changes you can increase that percentage.

Get rid of the temptation: if you’re gonna go at this thing with a full head of steam, remove all the junk food from your house.

Now, it’s your turn.

Have you tried the Paleo Diet yet? What was your experience like? Have a criticism of the diet that I didn’t cover before? Do you have a favorite paleo resource?

Remember, one of the major Rules of the Rebellion is to question everything!

I hope this article gives you some food for thought( terrible pun, I know ), and gives you permission to question conventional wisdom and start addressing the issues in your diet!

In addition to this Beginner Paleo Guide, I hope you consider checking our 1-on-1 Coaching Program as well.

We have designed this program from the ground up to help people like you change their lives and fix their nutrition in a way that doesn’t suck.

Now, go forth. And feed like a caveman.

-Steve

###

photo sources: cavemen elephant hunt, caveman cooking over fire, cavemen hunt paleo bear, milk truck logo, darth vader vendor, storm trooper tomato, lego cook, chef and lego pig, lego explorer, lego muffin, lego bread and carbs, frozen caveman grok lego, lego clock, lego caveman forging for food, caveman with wheel, darth vader and ostrich lego, easing into water lego, lego man with pasta

Footnotes( returns to text)

Adult Obesity Prevalence Map CDC.gov

What if its all Been a Big Fat Lie ? Take a look at this time magazine article on cancer patients who switched to a zero-sugar diet and watched positive results. You can read our full guide on Gluten check out the Inuit Paradox for a great read on societies that exist without almost any carbohydrates If you want to nerd out about this stuff, go wild with this study This is the most well-researched critique I’ve detect of the China Study: Denise Menger- China Study- Fact or Fallacy

Read more: nerdfitness.com

#best of #how-to #paleo diet #sticky

0 notes

currenthealtheventsblog-blog · 6 years ago

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Paleo Diet Beginner Guide: 7 Things You Should Know Before Eating Like a Caveman!

New Post has been published on https://currenthealthevents.net/awesome/paleo-diet-beginner-guide-7-things-you-should-know-before-eating-like-a-caveman/

Paleo Diet Beginner Guide: 7 Things You Should Know Before Eating Like a Caveman!

So you wanna learn about the Paleo Diet, aka” the Caveman Diet ,” eh?

This is one of the most popular diets on the planet right now( up there with the Keto Diet ), and I bet you have questions.

Well I got answers, sucka!

And lots of LEGO photos.

In this massive guide, I’m going to give you the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to the Paleolithic Diet( click each link to go right to that segment ):

What is the Paleo Diet and how does it run ? Will I lose weight on the Paleo Diet ? What can I eat on the Paleo Diet ? What foods CAN’T I eat on the Paleo Diet ? Can I feed grains on the Paleo Diet ? Can I eat dairy on the Paleo Diet? Can I feed cheese on the Paleo Diet ? Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of foods on the Paleo Diet What does a typical day look like on the Paleo Diet ? Is the Paleo Diet dangerous ? Paleo Recipes& Paleo Resource . Who shouldn’t do the Paleo Diet ? How to do the Paleo Diet safely .

Now, this guide is SUPER long, we are therefore took the liberty of converting it into a nicely designed guide for easy intake( not literal intake, unless you print it on bacon ).

Grab your Beginner’s Guide to the Paleo Diet free when you sign up in the box below: Get the FREE eBook! The Ultimate Beginner’s Guide to Paleo!

Discover if Paleo is for you

The one simple trick to know if your food is Paleo-friendly

Easy Paleo recipes for beginners to get you started

I identify as a:

Woman

Man

If you can actually apply the standards of the the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

As the great Mr. Flintstone once said, “Yabadabadooooo!”

What is the Paleo Diet and How does it Work?

Oh lord, another “diet.”

I know, it sounds like a fad/ marketing gambit, but The Paleo Diet isn’t really a “diet,” and it’s actually quite logical when you think about it.

It’s also the most time-tested diet ever.

Here’s the ENTIRE diet in a nutshell :P TAGEND

” If a cave person didn’t eat it, neither should you .”

As the hypothesi goes, tens of thousands of years ago, before Nike, Cap’n Crunch, and Healthy Choice dinners, our ancient ancestors prospered as hunter-gatherers.

Although it’s been a really long time, our genetics haven’t altered that much since then.

And yet…these days we’re overweight, out of shape, stressed out, unhappy, sleep deprived and dying from far too many preventable cancers due to lifestyle choices.

So what the hell happened?

Agriculture!

And then delivery and Netflix.

A few thousand years ago, humans discovered farming, the agricultural revolution took off, and we advanced from hunter-gatherers to farmers.

We settled down, formed societies, and the human race progressed to what we are today. Which is obviously great for a number of reasons :P TAGEND

Not getting eaten by wild animals Electricity Automobiles Nintendo

The problem is that our bodies never adjusted properly to eating all the grains and sugar that we’re now consuming.

As paleo guru Robb Wolf sets it, should be considered a 100 -yard football field :P TAGEND

The first 99.5 yards are how long Homo-Sapiens spent as hunter-gatherers. As they became REALLY good at hunting and collecting our bodies adapted to that lifestyle over thousands of years.

That last half-yard represents our species after the agricultural revolution, where our diet has changed( but our genetics haven’t ).

So, instead of loading up on meat, vegetables and seasonal fruits, we’ve become a species “dependent” upon grains- bread, pasta, rice, corn, and so on.

66% of us are overweight, 33% are considered obese, and those numbers are only getting worse.[ 1 ]

Clearly something’s not right, and we need to fix it.

The Paleo Diet is an effort to go back to our ancestral roots.

To start eating how we’re biologically designed to eat, allowing us to tap into our genetic potential and start living healthier immediately.

To recap the rules of the Paleo Diet :P TAGEND

Only eat foods a caveman would feed See Rule# 1

Note that it doesn’t mention calorie counting or meal timing or macro tracking. That’s part of the popularity of this diet: eat paleo approved foods when you’re hungry, and that’s it.

Will I Lose Weight on the Paleo Diet?

This is the question we get above all else :P TAGEND

” Will the Paleo Diet assistance me lose weight ?”

Probably. If you can actually apply the standards of the the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

It’s helped many people attain jaw-dropping transformations, including my friend Saint,( whose story you can read here ):

Or Staci from Team NF, our leading female trainer in our 1-on-1 Coaching Program ):

The Paleo Diet will work for you, if you do it right.

However, it has nothing to do with what Fred Flintstone ate or didn’t eat.

It comes down to science and thermodynamics.

As I point out in our article on How to Lose Weight: What’s the Perfect Diet( For me ?), if you want to lose weight :P TAGEND

Eat fewer calories than you burn every day. Want to also be healthy? Eat mostly real food.

Want to KEEP the weight off?

Add# 3: Do those two things consistently for a decade.

Here’s WHY you’ll lose weight on the Paleo Diet:

You’re merely feeing meat, fish, veggies, fruits, and nuts. These are foods that are full of nutrients, will make you feel full, but don’t have nearly as many calories as junk food. You are wholly eliminating calorie-dense, often nutritionally deficient, unhealthy foods. This means no grains( pasta, bread, rice ), no dairy , no beans. It also means no soda , no candy , no sugar.

And yup. When you merely eat real food and avoided all unhealthy food, you’re more likely than not going to run a caloric deficit- and thus lose weight.

Let me share a really obvious example.

200 calories of broccoli gets you enough to fill up an entire plate :P TAGEND

Or … 200 calories will get you exactly 1/2 a Snickers bar :P TAGEND

Look at that: nobody can eat that much broccoli, and nobody only eats half a candy bar!

My point is this: by eating Paleo-approved foods, you’re more likely than not to eat fewer calories than you did in the past automatically, which can lead to weight loss.

I dig into this in even greater detail in” Why can’t I lose weight ?” but it all comes down to” calories in, calories out .”

So YES, the Paleo Diet MIGHT help you lose weight.

You merely need to eat fewer calories than you burn every day( Here’s how to calculate your Total Daily Energy Expenditure ). And that is easier when you are eliminating foods that people tend to overeat :P TAGEND

Candy Soda Pasta Bread Dairy

But that’s all about what we’re eliminating. What are we maintaining !?

what Can I eat on The Paleo diet?

In order to follow the Paleo Diet Lifestyle, here are the foods that are Paleo endorse :P TAGEND

Meat*- steak, ham, pork, bison, boar. Organ- liver, kidneys, heart. Marrow- find a theme here? Eat ALL parts of the animal! Fowl- chicken, duck, hen, turkey…things with wings that( try to) fly. Fish- cod, tuna, salmon, and so on. Eggs- Look for omega-3 enriched cage-free eggs. Vegetable- spinach, broccoli, kale, carrots, peppers, zucchini, onions, etc. Petroleum- minimally processed, derived from plants: olive oil, coconut oil, avocado oil. Fats: ghee, lard, or other animal fats. Fruit- apples, pears, bananas, grapes, strawberries. Nuts- almonds, walnuts, cashews, and their respective butters( almond butter is so good !) Tubers- Sweet potatoes and yams.

* If you can, aim for grass-fed beef and organic fruits and vegetables. But don’t go break the bank with your food buys. Simply do the best you can.

As the Paleo Diet explains: Pick any of the foods from that list and feed as much as you want of them.

You might have noticed that a lot of the foods above are loaded with fat. And depending on what your mom told you growing up, you might believe fat is the devil.

So let me address that right away…

Do Eating Fat Make You Fat?

If you’re trim back on carbs, that means you’ll need to fill the void in your diet with the most controversial macronutrient :P TAGEND

Fat!

Yup…cut out the fat, increase the carbs….and seem where THAT has gotten us.

Why has fat been vilified? Rather than get into the politics of it myself, I’ll let Gary Taubes, writer of the incredibly thorough and well-researched Good Calories, Bad Calories take over.

As he discusses in an article he wrote for the New York Times a decade ago: [ 2 ]

These researchers point out that there are plenty of reasons to suggest that the low-fat-is-good-health hypothesis has now effectively failed the test of hour.

They say that low-fat weight-loss diets have proved in clinical trials and real life to be dismal failures, and that on top of it all, the percentage of fat in the American diet has been decreasing for two decades.

” Low fat” foods were created to follow conventional wisdom that fat attain you fat( which as stated in the above article doesn’t stand up to scrutiny ).

When a company makes a low fat food, they remove the fat and have to replace the flavor with something.

That “something” is usually sugar( and often more calories ).

Crap.

So, according to Taubes and Paleo folks, fat has been vilified and the real focus should have been on sugar and carbs all along.

Because healthy fats are valuable additions to our diet.

Here are some examples of Paleo-Approved Healthy Fats :P TAGEND

Avocados Almond( and almond butter) Fatty cuts of meat Walnuts Coconut oil Olive petroleum

In the Paleo Diet, fat builds up a large portion of one’s diet.

If you’re worried about consuming fat and how it will affect your cholesterol, read our Full Guide to Cholesterol

WhAT Foods Can’t I eat On the Paleo Diet?

If you are looking to strictly follow the Paleo Diet, then you can’t eat foods that did not exist back in” Caveman period .”

Why?

Because- as advocates of the diet point out- cavemen couldn’t eat those foods because they didn’t exist. There was no way to create cereal and candy – you could only eat what you determined or hunted.

So, that’s what the Paleo Diet advocates as the reason for avoiding these foods. And it serves as a good mental model to check with yourself: “Could a caveman have feed this dinner? ”

And when you start to answer this question, you identify the foods that you’re not allowed to eat on the Paleo Diet :P TAGEND

Grains like pasta, cereal bread, and rice Dairy like milk and cheese Candy, cookies, ice cream, and other processed foods

The Paleo Diet also almost entirely eliminates sugar outside of fruit. No candy. No soda. No powdered donuts. Yup, even the mini white ones from the grocery store where you can eat like 100 of them( accidentally, of course ).

Many studies have shown that an incredible number of diseases and lifestyle issues can be reversed by cutting out sugar and processed foods.[ 3 ]

But I understand grains and dairy are a bit more complex.

Let me explain :P TAGEND Can I Eat Grains on the Paleo Diet?

Unfortunately , nope.

The Caveman reason why: Grain require some amount of processing, and thus Cavemen would not have eaten them.

This leads to a sugar hurry-up followed by a accident, which can lead to more emotional or hungry overeating…and the process starts again.

Rather than me explain that part with thousands of words, just watch this three-minute video-” Why You Got Fat :”

youtube

Let’s get into some more reasons Paleo proponents suggest avoiding grains: most contain gluten and lectins.

What are they and what’s wrong with them? I’m so glad you asked :P TAGEND

Gluten is a protein found in things like rye, wheat, and barley. It’s now being said that much of our population may be gluten-intolerant( hence all the new “gluten-free! ” items popping up everywhere ). Over hour, those who are gluten intolerant can develop a dismal array of medical conditions from consuming gluten: dermatitis, joint ache, reproductive problems, acid reflux, and more.[ 4 ] Lectins are natural toxins that exist in grains to defend against consumption! Yup. Grains have evolved to keep themselves from being eaten by us. These lectins are not a fan of our gastrointestinal tract, and they prevent the tract from repairing itself from normal wear and tear. This can cause all kinds of damage.

That’s a Paleo win!

Do I Need to Avoid Carbs on the Paleo Diet?

Not inevitably.

That depends on your goals and your body – you are a special snowflake!

Some people function well on a high fat, low carb diet.

Others function better on a high carb, low fat diet.

Personally, I function better on a higher carb, lower fat diet( which is how I lost 22 pounds in 6 months ).

I will say the Paleo Diet is USUALLY a Low Carb diet, and large quantities of carbs are not required for somebody to be healthy regular diet.[ 5 ].

After all, carbs aren’t evil- they’re just…carbs.

Here is the logic and psychology behind why the Paleo Diet is low carb :P TAGEND

On a typical Western diet, we devour plenty o’ carbs, and our bodies convert those carbs to a sugar called “glucose.” This is our body’s preferred method of fueling itself.

In the absence of carbs to create glucose to fuel our bodies, we have to do a few other things instead :P TAGEND

Transform stored fat into glycerol and fatty acids( this process is called lipolysis ). Burn fatty acids for energy or transform the fatty acids into glucose for energy( this is called gluconeogenesis) In the absence of glucose( through fasting or following a Keto Diet ), your body can create ketones for ga( called “ketogenesis” ).

We’re going to focus on the forms of weight loss NOT related to ” ketogenesis .” Unless you are avoiding all carbohydrates while going Paleo, or you are doing long fasts, you most likely won’t be in ketosis while going Paleo.

We do cover Paleo vs Keto: Which is Better if you’re deciding between the two.

Back to weight loss and Paleo: when you cut back on carbs, and thus most likely Also cut back on total calories ingested, you are creating a caloric deficit in your body.

And eat a consistent deficit over a long enough time period, BOOM caveman weight loss.

So, fewer carbs= less glucose in your system, less sugar accidents, less “hangry” moments and smaller opportunity of overeating= fewer calories eaten on average.

If you’re worried about adherence to the diet, I understand – it’s the toughest part of Paleo- sticking with it!

Knowing what to eat is part of it, but following this fairly restrictive lifestyle in a modern surrounding surrounded by cookies and candy and bagels and pasta is really difficult!

If this whole” Paleo, Carbs, and Weight Loss” thing is emphasizing you out, you’re not alone!

In fact, people like you are the reason we created our 1-on-1 Online Coaching Program!

We work with busy people like you to structure a complete life overhaul: handcrafted workout routines, accountability, mindset changes, and nutritional strategies.

Can I feed Dairy on the Paleo Diet? Can I eat Cheese On the Paleo Diet?

This also depends. Strict Paleo folks tend to stay away from it- a portion of the world is lactose intolerant, and those that aren’t usually have at least some type of an aversion to it.

Why? Because hunter-gatherers didn’t lug cows around with them while traveling- milk was ingested as a newborn through breast milk from their mom, and that was it.

So as Paleo-stans will tell ya, our bodies weren’t designed for massive dairy consumption.

There is evidence that some adaptation to dairy has taken place throughout the years, specifically with people with pedigree in herding cultures, but this is not the majority of the population.[ 6 ]

Paleo purists will avoid dairy like the beset, while other paleo-ish people have found that eating dairy in its various kinds work for their genetics, aims, and lifestyle.

“What about Cheese? Can I feed cheese on the Paleo Diet? ”

You do you, boo. But if you’re going Strict Paleo, then regrettably cheese is OUT too.

If you’re just looking to lose some weight while following a “mostly Paleo” lifestyle, then adding some high quality cheese into some of your meals can be okay.

Some cheese will tend to have lower sums of lactose or casein- the parts of dairy that can cause digestion challenges.

So, if you’re not sure your body is processing dairy properly, remove dairy from your diet and only introduce it back in when you’re ready to see how your body responds.

If you’re not losing weight while eating a” Paleo+ Dairy” Diet, you’re still feeing too many calories.

Consider cutting out dairy and see how your body responds.

Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of Foods on the Paleo Diet

Because I like you as a person, I’ve made a printable Paleo Diet Shopping List PDF you can bring with you to the grocery store to help you decide what to buy and what to avoid.

Simply right click on the image below and save as :P TAGEND

What is a Typical Day Like on the Paleo Diet?

Here is an example of a typical day on “The Paleo Diet” :P TAGEND

Breakfast: Omelet with spinach with fresh fruit. Lunch: Grilled chicken, kale, and avocado salad with vinegar and olive oil. Snack: Apple slice and almond butter. Dinner: Steak with asparagus and sweet potato fries. Dessert: Strawberries and a piece of 85% darknes chocolate.

That doesn’t audio so bad, right?

Make sure you check out our Paleo Diet Recipes and Resources section too for more alternatives.

Start with a good protein source with each meal( eggs, steak, chicken, fish, pork) and then add a vegetable or fruit.

That’s it.

If you feel hungry constantly, understand that changing up a diet can cause a body a few weeks of adjustment.

Remember, your body is learning to operate on both fewer calories AND fewer carbs- depending on how low carb you go this could be a DRAMATIC change.

And this is often referred to as “carb flu, ” and it can be miserable! Your body might take multiple weeks to adjust to these new habits.

Going from a processed, high sodium diet to a paleo diet you will very often end up eating too little sodium, which is an essential nutrient.

So if you’re feeling tired all the time, try adding some salt to your food or consider an electrolyte supplement- this is what we recommend with our Keto readers too.

Is the Paleo Diet Dangerous?

The dismissive criticisms of the Paleo Diet generally fall into one of three categories :P TAGEND

Cavemen had short lifespans. So there. A recent article said that cavemen eat grains. So there. Eating that much meat is unhealthy. So there.

As I said at the beginning of this article, it doesn’t matter what cavemen or cavewomen ACTUALLY ate.

The reason this diet runs has nothing to do with what our bodies are designed to eat or what cavemen ate 1,000 s of years ago.

The Paleo Diet CAN help you lose weight because it gets you to cut out junk food, focus on eating real food, and gives you a framework to evaluate quickly every food selection :P TAGEND

” Did a caveman eat this? Yes or no .”

That’s it!

By following this ONE rules, you’re likely to eat fewer calories than you used to, and thus you’re likely to end up healthier than before.

I personally don’t follow a Paleo Diet, but I do appreciate the fact that it’s easy to comprehend and gets people to take a more active approach in their food!

So, disregarding the fear mongering, dogma, and anthropological criticisms of what cavemen actually feed, what are the ACTUAL criticisms of the Paleo Diet?

# 1)” Why is the Paleo Diet expensive ?”

However, farmers’ marketplaces often have well-priced meats, eggs, fruit, and veggies that are locally grown and unbelievably healthy.

Also, if you’re really short on money, eating the non-organic or grain-fed version of a meat, vegetable, or eggs is still better than feeing bread, pasta, fast food, and the like.

Most people simply compare the cost of a paleo dinner with ramen noodles or pasta and bread and determine Paleo is prohibitively expensive.

( This doesn’t even factor in the whole” if you eat inexpensive unhealthy food now, you’ll pay thousands in medical bills and hospital visits and drugs later” argument which is valid too ).

# 2)” But cavemen had short lifespans! Of course they don’t have the diseases we do. We live way longer now .”

I agree with you here, but only because you don’t have to deal with the dangers of living back then. Again we don’t really care to live like cave people!

This is SIMPLY a construct that can help many construction more informed food choices.

# 3)” Plenty of societies around the world consume grains and aren’t fat and unhealthy like us .”

Awesome- it seems like those people have found a solution that works for them. Have you read our big ass guidebook to eating a Plant-Based Diet?

The China Study is frequently cited when blaming the Paleo Diet- are concentrated on a vegetarian diet and ingesting rice is healthier than the Paleo Diet. I respectfully disagree with the conclusions drawn from that volume but that’s awesome if you want to go plant-based! [ 7 ] I’ll leave you to stimulate your own conclusions based on your own self-experimentation.

You’re here to learn about the Paleo Diet though, so let’s keep the focus there.

# 4)” But this is just a meat diet, and eating all meat is bad !”

First of all, consider your sources and do your search before jumping to the conclusions.

Next, this is not an all meat diet like the Carnivore Diet or uber-low carb diets like Keto or Atkins. The biggest component of the Paleo Diet?

Vegetables!

Every meal in a true Paleo diet has a moderate amount of healthy( properly raised chicken, grass-fed beef, hormone free, etc .) meat combined with nutritious veggies or a moderate quantity of fruit.

# 5)” The Paleo Diet is too restrictive and I can’t live like this .”

This is the most valid criticism I personally have of the diet, as the best diet plan is the one you actually stick with and be adhered to on! The objective shouldn’t be to go” full paleo” for a few weeks only going to go to how you were eating before.

Instead, the goal here should be to rethink your relationship with food and develop a strategy that you can live with permanently.

There’s nothing worse than going on diets and gaining and losing the same 20 pounds over and over. The Paleo Diet, like other diets, WORKS ONLY IF YOU STICK WITH IT PERMANENTLY!

This makes sense after all: make temporary alters, get temporary results, right?

# 6)” Steve, I detest veggies. How do you attain vegetables taste better? HALP .”

I got you. Heres how to start liking vegetables and how to build veggies taste better.

Paleo Recipes and Paleo Resource

Here’s our full list of Nerd Fitness Paleo/ Healthy recipes, and here are my three favorites :P TAGEND

10 Minutes of Prep, 10 Easy Meals Paleo spaghetti: freaking delicious, I promise How to Make Mini Paleo Pizzas .

I’ve also compiled a listing of my favorite sites and recipe volumes around the internet that can help you get started :P TAGEND

# 1) Nom Nom Paleo -~ ATAGEND Michelle Tam and her husband Henry are amazing people, and their Paleo Blog is absolutely phenomenal. Great photos. Well written. Organized intelligently.

The Primal Blueprint– If you want to read about this stuff in a book rather than on a computer screen, Mark’s book The Primal Blueprint is a great place to get started on not only what to eat, but why you should be eating it.

It’s educational, funny, real-world applicable, and teaches you how to primalize( just made that up) the rest of your life too.

The Paleo Solution– This article would have been finished 3 hours earlier, but before I wrote it, I read ALL of Robb’s new book. It severely had me laughing out loud at certain points- not bad for a book on diet!

This book is a little less forgiving than Mark’s book above, but it’s still a great read.

# 4) Loren Cordain– Loren is considered the leading expert on the Paleo Diet- Robb is actually one of his students/ disciples/ Padawans.

Dr. Cordain is probably the foremost authority on this type of eating, which is why I actually enjoyed reading both of his books.

MORE RECIPE RESOURCES :P TAGEND

Ready or Not! 150 Make Now Recipes– The newer volume from Michelle Tam of Nom Nom Paleo. It’s super fun. Plus she’s wearing a Nerd FItness t-shirt in some of her photos in the book, so I might be sliiiightly biased Mark’s Daily Apple– Although he sells the cookbook on Amazon, Mark also lists over 100 free primal recipes on his site. Pick something on the listing, go buy the ingredients, and follow the instructions! So easy even a caveman can do it. Everyday Paleo– Great scenes, easy to follow recipes, and pretty interesting combinations. Click on FOOD in the Nav bar, and the meals are broken down into breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

If you’re curious about The Paleo Diet’s recent popularity and thus it’s criticisms, we’ve written two other pieces on Nerd Fitness that might be of interest :P TAGEND

” The Paleo Diet Debunked ??” where I address a few of the more recent criticisms that have popped up.

” In Defense of a Paleo-Ish Diet” where I encompass how to live a mostly Paleo lifestyle but still enjoy the modern benefits of society.

Who Should and Who Shouldn’t Do the Paleo Diet?

I’m a fan of the Paleo Diet for the RIGHT person:

I love mental models that help us make sense of the world, and I guess for SOME people, the Paleo Diet will really help them cut down on overeating.

I personally do NOT follow a Paleo Diet, but I do have rules that I follow.

Do whatever stimulates you happy and accommodates in your schedule. I like this kind of stress-free eating.

Regardless of whether or not grains should be vilified, I love this diet because I know it WORKS. I know people that have lost incredible sums of weight and changed their lives within a matter of months.

People like Staci :P TAGEND

Regardless of how you feel about grains, we can all agree that eating more natural foods and less processed foods is better for you.

YOU SHOULD DO THE PALEO DIET IF :P TAGEND

You struggle with portion control( entailing you can’t eat only one cookie, or you tend to keep eating even when you’re full ). You can stick with the changes you’re making permanently! Remember, temporary changes make temporary results. You don’t mind eliminating some of your favorite foods wholly.

YOU SHOULD NOT DO THE PALEO DIET IF :P TAGEND

The idea of giving up non-paleo foods induces you want to cry. You don’t mind learning about calories and want to track your food. Another diet sounds like a better fit for you!

Consider some of these other options instead:

The Mediterranean Diet which still includes portions of things like pasta or bread( note: I said Portions , not platefuls )! Our guide on healthy eating and slowly adjust your nutrition- which would be my recommendation. My paleo-ish dietary philosophy that holds me healthy and happy.

If you want to lose weight and keep it off, you need to stimulate permanent adjustments to your nutrition.

If you don’t see yourself being able to permanently follow a Paleo Diet, I would advise a more’ wade in from the shallow aim‘ approach to dietary change!

How to Do the Paleo Diet Safely

Maybe you’re ready to try out this Paleo lifestyle, but you can’t commit fully. There are certain foods you refuse to give up, or you can’t afford to buy grass-fed beef at the moment.

That’s okay!

If you can even make a few small changes here there are still( cut out liquid calories, switch out your rice for steamed veggies, cut back on bread, etc .) you’ll start to see some changes.

Remember, 20% healthier is better than 0% healthier- as you get more comfortable with the changes you can increase that percentage.

Get rid of the temptation: if you’re gonna go at this thing with a full head of steam, remove all the junk food from your house.

It’s going to take a few weeks for your body to adjust to burning fat instead of glucose, and you might want to eat poorly here there are still. If there’s no food in your house to tempt you, it will be much easier to stay on target.

Now, it’s your turn.

Have you tried the Paleo Diet yet? What was your experience like? Have a criticism of the diet that I didn’t cover before? Do you have a favorite paleo resource?

Remember, one of the major Rules of the Rebellion is to question everything!

I hope this article gives you some food for thought( terrible pun, I know ), and gives you permission to question conventional wisdom and start addressing the issues in your diet!

In addition to this Beginner Paleo Guide, I hope you consider checking our 1-on-1 Coaching Program as well.

We have designed this program from the ground up to help people like you change their lives and fix their nutrition in a way that doesn’t suck.

Now, go forth. And feed like a caveman.

-Steve

###

photo sources: cavemen elephant hunt, caveman cooking over fire, cavemen hunt paleo bear, milk truck logo, darth vader vendor, storm trooper tomato, lego cook, chef and lego pig, lego explorer, lego muffin, lego bread and carbs, frozen caveman grok lego, lego clock, lego caveman forge for food, caveman with wheel, darth vader and ostrich lego, easing into water lego, lego man with pasta

Footnote( returns to text)

Adult Obesity Prevalence Map CDC.gov

What if its all Been a Big Fat Lie ? Take a look at this time magazine article on cancer patients who switched to a zero-sugar diet and assured positive results. You can read our full guide on Gluten check out the Inuit Paradox for a great read on societies that exist without almost any carbohydrates If you want to nerd out about this stuff, go wild with this study This is the most well-researched criticism I’ve see of the China Study: Denise Menger- China Study- Fact or Fallacy

Read more: nerdfitness.com

#best of #how to #paleo diet #sticky

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maryanash · 8 years ago

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Your simple guide to consistent healthy eating

THIS week we’re talking food – such a HUGE subject and one about which there is so much confusion. Food gets labelled good and bad, naughty or “a treat”, a syn and any number of other things. So It’s no wonder food has all sorts of special meanings for many of us. We give it a status when all it should be is fuel to keep us in tip-top condition to help us live our busy lives.

So I thought I’d enlist the help of one of our Slimpodders this week. Sammie Axton is such a great example of how you can change your relationship with food, lose weight and keep it off. She’s been eating consistently healthy for almost four years and has lost more than five stone and continued to effortlessly keep it off!

She’s gone from a near size 20 to a size 10 and stayed that size so Sammie’s top food tips are well worth paying attention to, I reckon!

Firstly, I asked Sammie what six foods she avoids putting into her shopping basket now and this was her reply (it’s lovely!): “I avoid Diet Coke and sugar in my cereal. I also avoid chocolate digestives (despite eating those by the packet once!), meat pies, Frosties and ready meals.

“The funny thing is I didn’t even realise I don’t buy them any more until you asked me about it! I didn’t actually think I’d stopped buying things completely but I have! Wow, that’s amazing.”

As you can see, Sammie doesn’t consciously deny or deprive herself of anything. She says if she has a small craving for something she’ll have it and then the craving disappears.

Next I asked Sammie for just six things she eats regularly each week. This was a big ask so I extended it a bit!

“Mackerel, chicken, eggs, spinach, broccoli, Ryvita and tomatoes. I sometimes eat potatoes, pasta and rice but my portion size has naturally reduced so much – I only eat about 5 pieces of pasta now where that used to be at least two handfuls. I now have Weetabix instead of Frosties for breakfast if I don’t have time to have eggs. I often have eight eggs a week!

“There is no effort involved in any of these healthy choices. It has become a habit to eat good food. I’m not rich by any means, but I can afford to eat good food because it really costs no more than all the rubbish I used to eat.

“In fact it probably costs me a lot less as I don’t eat ready meals or treats, which used to cost a lot of money. Plus I eat a lot less than I used to as my portion sizes are about half what I ate before. I do believe that the expense of food is actually a bit of an excuse.

“You can eat beautifully and healthily without spending a lot of money and if you get the whole family eating the same food you’re not making two meals. I obviously give my little lad more potatoes, pasta and rice than I have, but he has the same meat and fish.”

So that’s Sammie’s recipe for success!

Sammie’s way of eating is very similar to the principles of Mediterranean-style eating and I’m a great fan! I’ve been doing it for years – before it even had a name!

So here’s the seven principles of Med eating

It’s generally low in starchy, easily digestible carbs (sugary stuff!) but packed full of nutrition. Many clinical trials have shown that not only do people get multiple health benefits from this way of eating, but they are also good at sticking to it (unlike those who go on a low-fat/calorie controlled diets) because they find it easy and enjoyable.

And when you have a Slimpod programme you’ll find it even easier because you’ll actually WANT to eat like this and really enjoy it.

Minimise bread, pasta, potatoes, processed cereals, and rice— they’re a combination of refined and starchy carbohydrates which rapidly turn into sugars in the blood. Quinoa, whole grains, beans, and lentils are good and fill you up too!

Cut right down on sugar, sugary treats, drinks, and desserts. With a Slimpod that’s easy J

Eat more vegetables. There are so many wonderful vegetables to choose from. I must admit I’ve become quite a veggie addict. I love stir fries and dishes with lots of colour. Broccoli, spinach, red peppers, pak choi and carrots are in my basket every week.

Eat fruit, two portions a day is good. Go for berries, apples, and pears—unpeeled, as this is where most of the nutrients are – but don’t have too many high-sugar fruits like pineapple, melon or mango.

Include plenty of high-quality protein such as meat, oily fish, eggs, seafood, tofu, soy and, to a lesser extent. nuts, chickpeas, quinoa, lentils. The body doesn’t store protein so you need to maintain an adequate level in your diet to avoid muscle loss. It also helps to reduce appetite. Processed meats (e.g., bacon, salami, sausages) should be eaten in moderation.

Enjoy dairy products and eat more healthy fats and oils. Until recently people thought they should be avoiding full-fat dairy products. In 2014 a review by the British Heart Foundation which looked at the results of nearly 80 studies involving more than half a million people found no evidence that eating saturated fats leads to a greater risk of heart disease. In fact, they found that people with higher levels in their blood of a particular saturated fat called margaric acid (the sort you get in milk and dairy products) had a lower risk of heart disease. More recently scientists have said if you drink full fat milk you are 46 per cent less likely to develop diabetes! So use fats! They make food taste better. They are an excellent source of slow-burn energy. And, although ounce for ounce they are higher in calories than carbs, they keep you full for longer. Adding fat to starchy food (butter to potatoes, for example), will actually slow the rate at which the starch is broken down into sugars and absorbed. Eating healthy oils (olive oil, coconut oil and avocado) also improves the absorption of the essential fat-soluble vitamins (A, D, E, and K).

Vinegar has been found to help reduce weight and shift deep-rooted abdominal fat. It has been shown to suppress appetite and also delays the breakdown of food into sugars in your gut. Amazing eh?!

There are a few good recipe books which follow these principles:

The Blood Sugar Diet – (ignore the word diet!!)

Joe Wicks – Lean in 15

And new this week – The Pioppi Diet by Dr Aseem Malhotra, a colleague of mine on the All Party Parliamentary Group for Obesity. I’m a huge fan of Aseem’s.work and I also support Action on Sugar, the campaigning group he co-founded. I’ll definitely be buying his book!

As you know, with Slimpod programmes we don’t tell you what to eat and what not to eat. However, over the past 10 years, my experience has led me to believe people are so confused about food that I feel some guidance is always welcome!

So my Boot Camp friends, your task for this week and beyond is to follow the principles of the Med way of eating. Invest in one of the recipe books but there’s also plenty of free info available online if you want to find out more. Post up pictures of your plates in Slimpod Club!

Sammie has also kindly offered to answer any questions you have. Simply tag her in Slimpod Club or write the question below this blog and I’ll make sure she sees it. Have a great week!

The post Your simple guide to consistent healthy eating appeared first on Slimpod.

Your simple guide to consistent healthy eating

#Slimpod #Your simple guide to consistent healthy eating

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lindafrancois · 6 years ago

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Paleo Diet Beginner Guide: 7 Things To Know Before Eating Like a Caveman!

So you wanna learn about the Paleo Diet, aka “the Caveman Diet,” eh?

Paleo is one of the most popular diets on the planet (up there with the Keto Diet), and I bet you have questions.

Well I got answers, sucka! And lots of LEGO photos.

In addition to helping people go paleo with our Online Coaching Program, we also create epic guides like this one that cover all the basics!

Is Paleo right for you? Maybe! Our coaches can help you decide:

Below in this guide, I’m going to give you the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to the Paleolithic Diet (click to go right to that section):

INTRODUCTION TO PALEO:

What is the Paleo Diet and how does it work?

Will I lose weight on the Paleo Diet?

WHAT CAN I EAT ON THE PALEO DIET?

What can I eat on the Paleo Diet? (Paleo Diet Rules)

What CAN’T I eat on the Paleo Diet?

Can I eat grains on the Paleo Diet?

Can I eat dairy on the Paleo Diet?

Can I eat cheese on the Paleo Diet?

SHOPPING LIST AND EATING PLAN

Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of foods on the Paleo Diet

What does a typical day look like on the Paleo Diet?

Paleo Recipes & Paleo Resources.

IS PALEO DANGEROUS?

Is the Paleo Diet dangerous?

Who shouldn’t do the Paleo Diet?

How to do the Paleo Diet safely.

Now, this guide is SUPER long, so we took the liberty of converting it into a nicely designed guide for easy consumption (not literal consumption, unless you print it on bacon).

Grab your Beginner’s Guide to the Paleo Diet free when you sign up in the box below:

Get the FREE eBook! The Ultimate Beginner’s Guide to Paleo!

Discover if Paleo is for you

The one simple trick to know if your food is Paleo-friendly

Easy Paleo recipes for beginners to get you started

If you can actually apply the rules of the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

As the great Mr. Flintstone once said, “Yabadabadooooo!”

What is the Paleo Diet and How does it Work?

Oh lord, another “diet.”

I know, it sounds like a fad/marketing ploy, but The Paleo Diet isn’t really a “diet,” and it’s actually quite logical when you think about it.

It’s also the most time-tested diet ever.

Here’s the ENTIRE diet in a nutshell:

“If a cave person didn’t eat it, neither should you.”

As the theory goes, tens of thousands of years ago, before Nike, Cap’n Crunch, and Healthy Choice meals, our ancient ancestors thrived as hunter-gatherers.

Although it’s been a really long time, our genetics haven’t changed that much since then.

And yet…these days we’re overweight, out of shape, stressed out, unhappy, sleep deprived and dying from far too many preventable diseases due to lifestyle choices.

So what the hell happened?

Agriculture!

And then delivery and Netflix.

A few thousand years ago, humans discovered farming, the agricultural revolution took off, and we advanced from hunter-gatherers to farmers.

We settled down, formed societies, and the human race progressed to what we are today. Which is obviously great for a number of reasons:

Not getting eaten by wild animals

Electricity

Automobiles

Nintendo

The problem is that our bodies never adjusted properly to eating all the grains and sugar that we’re now consuming.

As paleo guru Robb Wolf puts it, think of a 100-yard football field:

The first 99.5 yards are how long Homo-Sapiens spent as hunter-gatherers. As they became REALLY good at hunting and gathering our bodies adapted to that lifestyle over thousands of years.

That last half-yard represents our species after the agricultural revolution, where our diet has shifted (but our genetics haven’t).

So, instead of loading up on meat, vegetables and seasonal fruits, we’ve become a species “dependent” upon grains – bread, pasta, rice, corn, and so on.

66% of us are overweight, 33% are considered obese, and those numbers are only getting worse.[1]

Clearly something’s not right, and we need to fix it.

The Paleo Diet is an effort to go back to our ancestral roots.

To start eating how we’re biologically designed to eat, allowing us to tap into our genetic potential and start living healthier immediately.

To recap the rules of the Paleo Diet:

Only eat foods a caveman would eat

See Rule #1

Note that it doesn’t mention calorie counting or meal timing or macro tracking. That’s part of the popularity of this diet: eat paleo approved foods when you’re hungry, and that’s it.

Will I Lose Weight on the Paleo Diet?

This is the question we get above all else:

“Will the Paleo Diet help me lose weight?”

Probably. If you can actually apply the rules of the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

It’s helped many people achieve jaw-dropping transformations, including my friend Saint, (whose story you can read here):

Or Staci from Team NF, our lead female trainer in our 1-on-1 Coaching Program):

The Paleo Diet will work for you, if you do it right.

However, it has nothing to do with what Fred Flintstone ate or didn’t eat.

It comes down to science and thermodynamics.

As I point out in our article on How to Lose Weight: What’s the Perfect Diet (For me?), if you want to lose weight:

Eat fewer calories than you burn every day.

Want to also be healthy? Eat mostly real food.

Want to KEEP the weight off?

Add #3: Do those two things consistently for a decade.

Here’s WHY you’ll lose weight on the Paleo Diet:

You’re only eating meat, fish, veggies, fruits, and nuts. These are foods that are full of nutrients, will make you feel full, but don’t have nearly as many calories as junk food.

You are completely eliminating calorie-dense, often nutritionally deficient, unhealthy foods. This means no grains (pasta, bread, rice), no dairy, no beans. It also means no soda, no candy, no sugar.

And yup. When you only eat real food and avoid all unhealthy food, you’re more likely than not going to run a caloric deficit – and thus lose weight.

Let me share a really obvious example.

200 calories of broccoli gets you enough to fill up an entire plate:

Or… 200 calories will get you exactly 1/2 a Snickers bar:

Look at that: nobody can eat that much broccoli, and nobody only eats half a candy bar!

My point is this: by eating Paleo-approved foods, you’re more likely than not to eat fewer calories than you did in the past automatically, which can lead to weight loss.

I dig into this in even greater detail in “Why can’t I lose weight?” but it all comes down to “calories in, calories out.”

So YES, the Paleo Diet MIGHT help you lose weight.

You just need to eat fewer calories than you burn every day (Here’s how to calculate your Total Daily Energy Expenditure). And that is easier when you are eliminating foods that people tend to overeat:

Candy

Soda

Pasta

Bread

Dairy

But that’s all about what we’re eliminating. What are we keeping!?

what Can I eat on The Paleo diet?

In order to follow the Paleo Diet Lifestyle, here are the foods that are Paleo approved:

Meat* – steak, ham, pork, bison, boar.

Organs – liver, kidneys, heart.

Marrows – seeing a theme here? Eat ALL parts of the animal!

Fowl – chicken, duck, hen, turkey…things with wings that (try to) fly.

Fish – cod, tuna, salmon, and so on.

Eggs – Look for omega-3 enriched cage-free eggs.

Vegetables – spinach, broccoli, kale, carrots, peppers, zucchini, onions, etc.

Oils – minimally processed, derived from plants: olive oil, coconut oil, avocado oil.

Fats: ghee, lard, or other animal fats.

Fruits – apples, pears, bananas, grapes, strawberries.

Nuts – almonds, walnuts, cashews, and their respective butters (almond butter is so good!)

Tubers – Sweet potatoes and yams.

*If you can, aim for grass-fed beef and organic fruits and vegetables. But don’t go break the bank with your food purchases. Just do the best you can.

As the Paleo Diet explains: Pick any of the foods from that list and eat as much as you want of them.

You might have noticed that a lot of the foods above are loaded with fat. And depending on what your mom told you growing up, you might think fat is the devil.

So let me address that right away…

Does Eating Fat Make You Fat?

If you’re cutting back on carbs, that means you’ll need to fill the void in your diet with the most controversial macronutrient:

Fat!

It’s gotten a bad rap over the past number of decades, so companies have been doing everything possible to make everything low fat and “healthy!” (while adding all sorts of preservatives, chemicals, and sugar).

Yup…cut out the fat, increase the carbs….and look where THAT has gotten us.

Why has fat been vilified? Rather than get into the politics of it myself, I’ll let Gary Taubes, author of the incredibly thorough and well-researched Good Calories, Bad Calories take over.

As he discusses in an article he wrote for the New York Times a decade ago:[2]

These researchers point out that there are plenty of reasons to suggest that the low-fat-is-good-health hypothesis has now effectively failed the test of time.

In particular, that we are in the midst of an obesity epidemic that started around the early 1980’s, and that this was coincident with the rise of the low-fat dogma. (Type 2 diabetes, the most common form of the disease, also rose significantly through this period.)

Our cholesterol levels have been declining, and we have been smoking less, and yet the incidence of heart disease has not declined as would be expected. ”That is very disconcerting,” Willett says. ”It suggests that something else bad is happening.”

“Low fat” foods were created to follow conventional wisdom that fat made you fat (which as stated in the above article doesn’t stand up to scrutiny).

When a company makes a low fat food, they remove the fat and have to replace the flavor with something.

That “something” is usually sugar (and often more calories).

Crap.

So, according to Taubes and Paleo folks, fat has been vilified and the real focus should have been on sugar and carbs all along.

Because healthy fats are valuable additions to our diet.

Here are some examples of Paleo-Approved Healthy Fats:

Avocados

Almond (and almond butter)

Fatty cuts of meat

Walnuts

Coconut oil

Olive oil

In the Paleo Diet, fat makes up a large portion of one’s diet.

If you’re worried about consuming fat and how it will affect your cholesterol, read our Full Guide to Cholesterol

WhAT Foods Can’t I eat On the Paleo Diet?

If you are looking to strictly follow the Paleo Diet, then you can’t eat foods that did not exist back in “Caveman times.”

Why?

Because – as advocates of the diet point out – cavemen couldn’t eat those foods because they didn’t exist. There was no way to create cereal and candy – you could only eat what you found or hunted.

So, that’s what the Paleo Diet advocates as the reason for avoiding these foods. And it serves as a good mental model to check with yourself: “Could a caveman have eaten this meal?”

And when you start to answer this question, you identify the foods that you’re not allowed to eat on the Paleo Diet:

Grains like pasta, cereal bread, and rice

Dairy like milk and cheese

Candy, cookies, ice cream, and other processed foods

Many studies have shown that an incredible number of diseases and lifestyle issues can be reversed by cutting out sugar and processed foods.[3]

But I understand grains and dairy are a bit more complex.

Let me explain:

Can I Eat Grains on the Paleo Diet?

Unfortunately, nope.

The Caveman reason why: Grains require some amount of processing, and thus Cavemen would not have eaten them.

The science and psychological reason why: we have a tendency to overeat grains and the other “no no” foods on the Paleo Diet. They are calorically dense, nutrient deficient, and they can wreak havoc on some people’s blood sugar levels.

This leads to a sugar rush followed by a crash, which can lead to more emotional or hungry overeating…and the process starts again.

Rather than me explain that part with thousands of words, just watch this three-minute video – “Why You Got Fat:”

youtube

Let’s get into some more reasons Paleo advocates suggest avoiding grains: most contain gluten and lectins.

What are they and what’s wrong with them? I’m so glad you asked:

Lectins are natural toxins that exist in grains to defend against consumption! Yup. Grains have evolved to keep themselves from being eaten by us. These lectins are not a fan of our gastrointestinal tract, and they prevent the tract from repairing itself from normal wear and tear. This can cause all kinds of damage.

That’s a Paleo win!

Do I Need to Avoid Carbs on the Paleo Diet?

Not necessarily.

That depends on your goals and your body – you are a special snowflake!

Some people function well on a high fat, low carb diet.

Others function better on a high carb, low fat diet.

Personally, I function better on a higher carb, lower fat diet (which is how I lost 22 pounds in 6 months).

I will say the Paleo Diet is USUALLY a Low Carb diet, and large quantities of carbs are not required for somebody to be healthy regular diet.[5].

After all, carbs aren’t evil – they’re just…carbs.

Here is the logic and psychology behind why the Paleo Diet is low carb:

On a typical Western diet, we consume plenty o’ carbs, and our bodies convert those carbs to a sugar called “glucose.” This is our body’s preferred method of fueling itself.

In the absence of carbs to create glucose to fuel our bodies, we have to do a few other things instead:

Transform stored fat into glycerol and fatty acids (this process is called lipolysis).

Burn fatty acids for energy or transform the fatty acids into glucose for energy (this is called gluconeogenesis)

In the absence of glucose (through fasting or following a Keto Diet), your body can create ketones for fuel (called “ketogenesis”).

We’re going to focus on the forms of weight loss NOT related to “ketogenesis.” Unless you are avoiding all carbohydrates while going Paleo, or you are doing long fasts, you most likely won’t be in ketosis while going Paleo.

We do cover Paleo vs Keto: Which is Better if you’re deciding between the two.

Back to weight loss and Paleo: when you cut back on carbs, and thus most likely ALSO cut back on total calories consumed, you are creating a caloric deficit in your body.

And eat a consistent deficit over a long enough time period, BOOM caveman weight loss.

So, fewer carbs = less glucose in your system, less sugar crashes, less “hangry” moments and smaller chance of overeating = fewer calories consumed on average.

If you’re worried about adherence to the diet, I understand – it’s the toughest part of Paleo – sticking with it!

Knowing what to eat is part of it, but following this fairly restrictive lifestyle in a modern environment surrounded by cookies and candy and bagels and pasta is really difficult!

If this whole “Paleo, Carbs, and Weight Loss” thing is stressing you out, you’re not alone!

In fact, people like you are the reason we created our 1-on-1 Online Coaching Program!

We work with busy people like you to structure a complete life overhaul: handcrafted workout routines, accountability, mindset changes, and nutritional strategies.

Can I eat Dairy on the Paleo Diet? Can I eat Cheese On the Paleo Diet?

This also depends. Strict Paleo folks tend to stay away from it – a portion of the world is lactose intolerant, and those that aren’t usually have at least some type of an aversion to it.

Why? Because hunter-gatherers didn’t lug cows around with them while traveling – milk was consumed as a baby through breast milk from their mother, and that was it.

So as Paleo-stans will tell ya, our bodies weren’t designed for massive dairy consumption.

There is evidence that some adaptation to dairy has taken place throughout the years, specifically with people with ancestry in herding cultures, but this is not the majority of the population.[6]

Paleo purists will avoid dairy like the plague, while other paleo-ish people have found that consuming dairy in its various forms work for their genetics, goals, and lifestyle.

“What about Cheese? Can I eat cheese on the Paleo Diet?”

You do you, boo. But if you’re going Strict Paleo, then unfortunately cheese is OUT too.

If you’re just looking to lose some weight while following a “mostly Paleo” lifestyle, then adding some high quality cheese into some of your meals can be okay.

Some cheeses will tend to have lower amounts of lactose or casein – the parts of dairy that can cause digestion challenges.

So, if you’re not sure your body is processing dairy properly, remove dairy from your diet and only introduce it back in when you’re ready to see how your body responds.

If you’re not losing weight while eating a “Paleo + Dairy” Diet, you’re still eating too many calories.

Consider cutting out dairy and see how your body responds.

Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of Foods on the Paleo Diet

Because I like you as a person, I’ve created a printable Paleo Diet Shopping List PDF you can bring with you to the grocery store to help you decide what to buy and what to avoid.

Simply right click on the image below and save as:

Feel free to print this out and bring it with you to the grocery store. If you happen to run into somebody else who has ALSO printed out this sheet, feel free to high five each other while singing Baltimora!

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What is a Typical Day Like on the Paleo Diet?

Here is an example of a typical day on “The Paleo Diet”:

Breakfast: Omelet with spinach with fresh fruit.

Lunch: Grilled chicken, kale, and avocado salad with vinegar and olive oil.

Snack: Apple slices and almond butter.

Dinner: Steak with asparagus and sweet potato fries.

Dessert: Strawberries and a piece of 85% dark chocolate.

That doesn’t sound so bad, right?

Make sure you check out our Paleo Diet Recipes and Resources section too for more options.

Start with a good protein source with each meal (eggs, steak, chicken, fish, pork) and then add a vegetable or fruit.

That’s it.

If you feel hungry constantly, understand that changing up a diet can cause a body a few weeks of adjustment.

Remember, your body is learning to operate on both fewer calories AND fewer carbs – depending on how low carb you go this could be a DRAMATIC change.

And this is often referred to as “carb flu,” and it can be miserable! Your body might take multiple weeks to adjust to these new habits.

Going from a processed, high sodium diet to a paleo diet you will very often end up eating too little sodium, which is an essential nutrient.

So if you’re feeling tired all the time, try adding some salt to your food or consider an electrolyte supplement – this is what we recommend with our Keto readers too.

Is the Paleo Diet Dangerous?

The dismissive criticisms of the Paleo Diet generally fall into one of three categories:

Cavemen had short lifespans. So there.

A recent article said that cavemen ate grains. So there.

Eating that much meat is unhealthy. So there.

As I said at the beginning of this article, it doesn’t matter what cavemen or cavewomen ACTUALLY ate.

The reason this diet works has nothing to do with what our bodies are designed to eat or what cavemen ate 1,000s of years ago.

The Paleo Diet CAN help you lose weight because it gets you to cut out junk food, focus on eating real food, and gives you a framework to evaluate quickly every food choice:

“Did a caveman eat this? Yes or no.”

That’s it!

By following this ONE rules, you’re likely to eat fewer calories than you used to, and thus you’re likely to end up healthier than before.

I personally don’t follow a Paleo Diet, but I do appreciate the fact that it’s easy to comprehend and gets people to take a more active approach in their food!

So, disregarding the fear mongering, dogma, and anthropological criticisms of what cavemen actually ate, what are the ACTUAL critiques of the Paleo Diet?

#1) “Why is the Paleo Diet expensive?”

However, farmers’ markets often have well-priced meats, eggs, fruits, and vegetables that are locally grown and incredibly healthy.

Also, if you’re really short on cash, eating the non-organic or grain-fed version of a meat, vegetable, or eggs is still better than eating breads, pasta, fast food, and the like.

Most people simply compare the cost of a paleo meal with ramen noodles or pasta and bread and determine Paleo is prohibitively expensive.

Sure, it’s more expensive than those foods, but if you are smart with your money you can eat a much healthier meal and do so pretty inexpensively. Check out this guide on “How to Eat Healthy Without Breaking the Bank” for some tips and tricks.

(This doesn’t even factor in the whole “if you eat cheap unhealthy food now, you’ll pay thousands in medical bills and hospital visits and medications later” argument which is valid too).

#2) “But cavemen had short lifespans! Of course they don’t have the diseases we do. We live way longer now.”

I agree with you here, but only because you don’t have to deal with the dangers of living back then. Again we don’t really care to live like cave people!

This is SIMPLY a construct that can help many make more informed food choices.

#3) “Plenty of societies around the world consume grains and aren’t fat and unhealthy like us.”

Awesome – it seems like those people have found a solution that works for them. Have you read our big ass guide to eating a Plant-Based Diet?

The China Study is frequently cited when criticizing the Paleo Diet – focusing on a vegetarian diet and consuming rice is healthier than the Paleo Diet. I respectfully disagree with the conclusions drawn from that book but that’s awesome if you want to go plant-based! [7] I’ll leave you to make your own conclusions based on your own self-experimentation.

You’re here to learn about the Paleo Diet though, so let’s keep the focus there.

#4) “But this is just a meat diet, and eating all meat is bad!”

First of all, consider your sources and do your research before jumping to the conclusions.

Next, this is not an all meat diet like the Carnivore Diet or uber-low carb diets like Keto or Atkins. The biggest component of the Paleo Diet?

Vegetables!

Every meal in a true Paleo diet has a moderate amount of healthy (properly raised chicken, grass-fed beef, hormone free, etc.) meat combined with nutritious veggies or a moderate amount of fruit.

#5) “The Paleo Diet is too restrictive and I can’t live like this.”

This is the most valid criticism I personally have of the diet, as the best diet plan is the one you actually stick with and follow through on! The goal shouldn’t be to go “full paleo” for a few weeks only to go back to how you were eating before.

Instead, the goal here should be to rethink your relationship with food and develop a strategy that you can live with permanently.

There’s nothing worse than going on diets and gaining and losing the same 20 pounds over and over. The Paleo Diet, like other diets, WORKS ONLY IF YOU STICK WITH IT PERMANENTLY!

This makes sense after all: make temporary changes, get temporary results, right?

#6) “Steve, I hate vegetables. How do you make vegetables taste better? HALP.”

I got you. Heres how to start liking vegetables and how to make vegetables taste better.

We know this all too well, and we have helped thousands of people slowwwwly transition their diet over a long period of time to make change less scary, more permanent, and thus make the weight loss permanent too!

Paleo Recipes and Paleo Resources

Here’s our full list of Nerd Fitness Paleo/Healthy recipes, and here are my three favorites:

10 Minutes of Prep, 10 Easy Meals

Paleo spaghetti: freaking delicious, I promise

How to Make Mini Paleo Pizzas.

I’ve also compiled a list of my favorite sites and recipe books around the internet that can help you get started:

#1) Nom Nom Paleo – Michelle Tam and her husband Henry are amazing people, and their Paleo Blog is absolutely phenomenal. Great photos. Well written. Organized intelligently.

#2) Mark’s Daily Apple – Easily the most comprehensive resource on the internet for the Paleo Diet – Mark writes an article every weekday about everything Paleo, and it usually blows me away. Some of the posts can get overwhelming, so I suggest starting with his Primal Blueprint 101.

The Primal Blueprint – If you want to read about this stuff in a book rather than on a computer screen, Mark’s book The Primal Blueprint is a great place to get started on not only what to eat, but why you should be eating it.

It’s educational, funny, real-world applicable, and teaches you how to primalize (just made that up) the rest of your life too.

#3) Robb Wolf – Another great resource, and a guy I’ve already referenced in this article multiple times. Check out his site for a comprehensive FAQ on all things Paleo, a shopping list pdf (right-click and save), and plenty of humor.

The Paleo Solution – This article would have been finished 3 hours earlier, but before I wrote it, I read ALL of Robb’s new book. It seriously had me laughing out loud at certain points – not bad for a book on diet!

This book is a little less forgiving than Mark’s book above, but it’s still a great read.

#4) Loren Cordain – Loren is considered the leading expert on the Paleo Diet – Robb is actually one of his students/disciples/Padawans.

Dr. Cordain is probably the foremost authority on this type of eating, which is why I really enjoyed reading both of his books.

MORE RECIPE RESOURCES:

Mark’s Daily Apple – Although he sells the cookbook on Amazon, Mark also lists over 100 free primal recipes on his site. Pick something on the list, go buy the ingredients, and follow the instructions! So easy even a caveman can do it.

Everyday Paleo – Great pictures, easy to follow recipes, and pretty interesting combinations. Click on FOOD in the Nav bar, and the meals are broken down into breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

If you’re curious about The Paleo Diet’s recent popularity and thus it’s criticisms, we’ve written two other pieces on Nerd Fitness that might be of interest:

“The Paleo Diet Debunked??” where I address a few of the more recent criticisms that have popped up.

“In Defense of a Paleo-Ish Diet” where I cover how to live a mostly Paleo lifestyle but still enjoy the modern benefits of society.

Who Should and Who Shouldn’t Do the Paleo Diet?

I’m a fan of the Paleo Diet for the RIGHT person:

I love mental models that help us make sense of the world, and I think for SOME people, the Paleo Diet will really help them cut down on overeating.

I personally do NOT follow a Paleo Diet, but I do have rules that I follow.

Do whatever makes you happy and fits in your schedule. I like this kind of stress-free eating.

People like Staci:

Regardless of how you feel about grains, we can all agree that eating more natural foods and less processed foods is better for you.

YOU SHOULD DO THE PALEO DIET IF:

You struggle with portion control (meaning you can’t eat just one cookie, or you tend to keep eating even when you’re full).

You can stick with the changes you’re making permanently! Remember, temporary changes create temporary results.

You don’t mind eliminating some of your favorite foods completely.

YOU SHOULD NOT DO THE PALEO DIET IF:

The idea of giving up non-paleo foods makes you want to cry.

You don’t mind learning about calories and want to track your food.

Another diet sounds like a better fit for you!

Consider some of these other options instead:

The Mediterranean Diet which still includes portions of things like pasta or bread (note: I said PORTIONS, not platefuls)!

Our guide on healthy eating and slowly adjust your nutrition – which would be my recommendation.

My paleo-ish dietary philosophy that keeps me healthy and happy.

If you want to lose weight and keep it off, you need to make permanent adjustments to your nutrition.

If you don’t see yourself being able to permanently follow a Paleo Diet, I would advise a more ‘wade in from the shallow end‘ approach to dietary change!

How to Do the Paleo Diet Safely

Maybe you’re ready to try out this Paleo lifestyle, but you can’t commit fully. There are certain foods you refuse to give up, or you can’t afford to buy grass-fed beef at the moment.

That’s okay!

If you can even make a few small changes here and there (cut out liquid calories, switch out your rice for steamed vegetables, cut back on bread, etc.) you’ll start to see some changes.

Remember, 20% healthier is better than 0% healthier – as you get more comfortable with the changes you can increase that percentage.

Get rid of the temptation: if you’re gonna go at this thing with a full head of steam, remove all the junk food from your house.

Now, it’s your turn.

Have you tried the Paleo Diet yet?

What was your experience like?

Have a criticism of the diet that I didn’t cover before?

Do you have a favorite paleo resource?

Remember, one of the major Rules of the Rebellion is to question everything!

I hope this article gives you some food for thought (terrible pun, I know), and gives you permission to question conventional wisdom and start addressing the issues in your diet!

In addition to this Beginner Paleo Guide, I hope you consider checking our 1-on-1 Coaching Program as well.

We have designed this program from the ground up to help people like you change their lives and fix their nutrition in a way that doesn’t suck.

Now, go forth. And eat like a caveman.

-Steve

PS: I’ll leave you with a mention of the Nerd Fitness Academy – it essentially gamifies your experience in transitioning into a Paleo lifestyle and diet, and provides you with specific instruction, meal plans, workouts, and a supportive community.

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Footnotes ( returns to text)

Adult Obesity Prevalence Map CDC.gov

What if its all Been a Big Fat Lie?

Take a look at this time magazine article on cancer patients who switched to a zero-sugar diet and saw positive results.

You can read our full guide on Gluten

check out the Inuit Paradox for a great read on societies that exist without almost any carbohydrates

If you want to nerd out about this stuff, go wild with this study

This is the most well-researched critique I’ve found of the China Study: Denise Menger – China Study – Fact or Fallacy

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