#but now i feel proper like kms over it bc what. the fuck even.

[umiwomitai]

wow its funny how quickly i can feel suicidal 👍

[prttyvirgo]

of course you do 🥹 thanks for thinking i’m handsome lol

fucking uni, why is it taking ages to finish 😭 but you got this and honestly that’s okay. Don’t overwork yourself just try your best and everything will work out in the end ♥️ making me proud

thanks for your support baby!! means a lot to me knowing that you believe in me no matter what ♥️

that sounds exciting!!! may I ask what was different this year? I’m always interested when it comes to you ♥️ it’s just because where I come from we really don’t know anyone from different religions or cultures 💀

guess what, it’s been 2 months without work 😂 not just a day. I think I needed a proper break and I’m also starting my business and training to become a therapist so I’ve been busy with other things ♥️

LOOK YOURE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS BUT i ask for an ice coffee so like it’s one shot of expresso and milk like normal milk and then vanilla syrup 🤭 I’m a big boy now, I still drink hot chocolate with marshmallows and cream 😛

-💌

of course, baby 🤍

honestly im kinda glad uni's taking konger bc i'm not ready for a full time job yet lmao so i'm fine with the whole uni stress since i prefer it over adulting in the real job world 😭 and thank you so much, my love, your support means a lot to me 🥺

and of course i will support you, you know i always have 🤍

i knowww tahts why i was never bothered by the questions like i have people who grow up woth five different nationalities and ethnicities and religions in their friend circles yet have no idea either so absolutely no problem tbh

and i guess this year i just felt a little closer to my religion and that made it feel that much more special 🤍

also, two fucking months actually made me go wide eyed bc i did not expect that yet am SO proud of you. im pretty sure you needed it and km so glad you just took what you needed and i am even happier to hear how well it's been working out my love

and please 🥺 im so proud of you and your cute little iced vanilla latte, that's actually my go to order too only that i usually add an extra shot of espresso 😂🫶🏼 you really have become a big boy now and i mean everyone loves them a good hot choco so

[c00chmaster420]

this is a long vent and storytime-ish. tw/dr*gs

it hurts going from being the kid who could read and write super well from an early age who got an award for english in high school and had a 98 in science for most of the year despite it always being my worst class and didn’t even have to try in school to barely being able to get a proper sentence out half the time and never being able to explain/express myself bc my brain is so fogged and fucked from all the drugs i do/have done that i can only think at like half capacity now. i used to be a rlly smart kid, i never had to try in school and i’d always get by just fine, if we had writing competitions in school i would usually win, i was basically an english prodigy. now i’ve dropped out of highschool and am in a constant state of brain fog, i can’t even feel things properly anymore. i can’t ground myself to my surroundings or feel genuinely present, it’s so difficult sitting outside at night and listening to music (one of my fav things to do) and trying to just be there in the moment but not being able to fully process literally anything that’s happening or my surroundings. i’m never fully there. i feel like a ghost or something. i used to be so against drugs and alcohol and then for some reason i decided fuck it, i wanna try acid bc it sounds bad and i wanna do something really bad just for the adrenaline. then i tried it and fell in love, i’d never even smoked weed before that, just drank oil, so being high was new to me and i immediately fell in love. nothing compared to the feeling drugs gave me, it was such an experience and made me feel so good and was so fun, like nothing i’d ever done before. i was rlly depressed and kinda hated myself and didn’t have many friends or a life so drugs were the one really good thing i had. i did acid a second time with molly and once again absolutely loved it. then my dealer got arrested and i didn’t have anywhere else to get acid so i turned to dxm (another drug i said i’d absolutely never do, but desperation makes people do weird things). i loved dxm as much as acid, i got (mentally) addicted almost immediately. plus it was so easy to get and i had money really frequently so i could just go grab some for $10 whenever i wanted. i quickly spiralled from that, i started doing it at school and doing it every night i could and if i didn’t have it i’d have cravings for it so bad i’d be scratching and hitting myself and pulling my hair and sobbing so hard i’d almost throw up. i also started doing molly pretty often and other things like coke and shrooms and a lot of acid. my drug problem almost got out of hand at one point, i overdosed twice within a week of each other and got serotonin syndrome also twice within a week of each other. i got a bit better when i had to go to my grandmas for a few weeks and didn’t have access to any drugs, and i wasn’t getting money regularly either so i was forced to go sober for a while. at one point i got better and started only smoking weed and drinking and i was doing good for months if not a year but i slipped again. my friend invited me to come over and do ghb with her parents and i agreed, ofc. welp, i wound up doing a LOT of meth that night as well. this is where i started slipping. the day after that night (well technically the day AFTER the day after) i went back and did ghb and smoked a bunch more meth with my friends parents. the kicker is my friend wasn’t even there this time. i’m close with her parents so they said i could meet with their dealer at their place bc they didn’t want me meeting with him alone (mans got second degree murder charges, numerous assault charges, and many more. he’s a very dangerous guy). i met him the night i went there the first time bc he came to sell them the ghb. he wound up spending the whole night and we TOTALLY vibed (before i found out he was dangerous asf). also the first time i saw him he came in needing stitches bc he just bashed a girls car window to get back at her, so that’s lovely. we were gonna do stitches on him there but didn’t wind up doing that.

the next morning he offered to walk me to the bus stop but instead tried to take me to his doctors appointment with him?? keep in mind i’m a 17 year old girl and he’s a 35 year old man. so that was rlly weird but i managed to get away and go home. anyways the point of this was i used to have so much potential and be so different but now i’ve ruined my life with drugs and i hate it. i went from saying i would never even drink to smoking meth out of a wine glass in my mom’s bathroom bc i have literally no self control anymore. my cousin begged/told me not to touch the meth but here i am scraping little bits of it off to smoke and hoping she doesn’t notice. i wanted xans and her dealer is in the nw and i’m in the sw so he didn’t wanna come all the way just to sell me two xans so we got a bunch of meth too even though she just plans on probably selling it and not taking it. i’m slowly losing control, first it started with just planning on smoking the loose little teeny bits in the bag to scraping off some from the rock and i should’ve stopped at there but i couldn’t. i know i should’ve stopped at there, there was less chance of her noticing and i shouldn’t rlly be risking it but here i am about to go scrape even more off for like my 4th time and pray she doesn’t notice. i’m so fucking stressed, i’ve been lying to my bf and my family about the drugs and i feel so guilty but at the same time i kinda don’t which almost makes me feel worse. i always put myself and my interests first and do what i want even if i have to lie about it because i don’t have any self control anymore. i’ve stopped caring more and more, i used to never do anything if there was even the smallest chance of me getting caught bc i was so scared of getting in trouble but lately i’ve been developing an attitude of ‘what are they gonna do about it? even if they find out, i already did it, the most they can do is get mad and i can just choose not to give a fuck that they’re mad’. i also have been putting myself in more and more dangerous situations (usually for drugs) and i think to myself a lot ‘who cares if something happens? i wanna die anyways and if something else happens i’ll just deal with it, it’s whatever, i can choose not to care about it’ and i know that’s gonna get me in a really bad situation one day. i was doing so good for so long and now i’m just spiralling so bad again. i don’t think i can get better either bc i need to want to get better and for some reason i don’t? like of course i wanna be better and have a solid life but the reality of putting in all the work and actually getting there is just something i can’t do. i’d rather just throw my life away and wallow in my mental illness until i either die young from an od or laced drugs or i kms.

like the reality is i literally can’t be a functioning adult. maybe if i went on a bunch of medication and got a shit ton of therapy maybe, but i can’t even bring myself to look for jobs or apply to them, and the thought of actually working is TERRIFYING. i have such fucking bad anxiety, any time i leave the house i constantly feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me and i’m hyper aware of how i look and how i’m breathing and walking. getting a job and being an adult just isn’t realistic for me, plus i literally hate the human race and the world in general so i have absolutely no desire to stay alive and be a functioning adult in a world that i literally hate anyways. i don’t wanna be here anymore. i just want everything to stop

[nekoshua]

Sub!Kwannie~ So its now 12:00am, Seungkwan's birthday. He was given a present a few hours before and was told to put it on when the clock stroke midnight. So he knocks on the dom's door and he only has an oversized shirt over his lingerie and everyone is in the dom's room except for Chan and Hansol and he sees Hansol smile at him and send him a thumbs up before the door to the dorm shuts and Hansol and Chan are on their way to NCT Dream's dorm for the night. -y 1/?

Seungkwan is allowed into the room and it’s clear as to who’s a dom and a sub because all the subs are wearing cute lingerie and the doms are just very… Dom Cheol is the first to greet him, as usual when someone comes of age. They all sit him down and they have a discussion and stuff because even though they’re all kinky as shit they still gotta know boundaries and stuff. Then they bring out the toys. And oh boy Seungkwan was excited™. -y 2/?

Jeonghan gets really excited and Seungkwan sees the twinkle in his eye like ‘oh god spare me’ and Jeonghan’s already picking out which vibrators Seungkwanms going to try today. Lol I got memey ok back to the thing. Seungkwan is really really attracted to the vibrators like????? Who has a vibrator fixation? Boo Seungkwan has a vibrator fixation. So they take out all the vibrators and they’re like “Okay, Baby are you ready?” -y 3/? This is tough jfc

And Seungkwan wishes he was like in not Korea or something for a minute because he iS S C A R E D aw bby. Soonyoung, being the cutie he is, knows straight away that Seungkwan’s scared shitless and kind of holds him and tells him that he’s going to be okay and stuff and it’s alright and then they have a cute giggle sesh with Seokmin. -y 4?/?

NOW *cue Seungkwan taking his top off* *cue all jaws in the room going slack* *cue Seungkwan getting awkward because 'omo do they think I’m ugly’* *cue MINGHAO of all people to go 'what the fuck you’re so hot whAT THEF U C K’* and Seungkwan’s blushing like mad and all the dom’s simultaneously think 'praise kink’ -y 5/?

Now comes the fucking~ Seungkwannie is so cute and pliant like everyone thought he’d be controlling bUT NO YOUR WRONG HE’S CONFUSED AND HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO HE’S JUST GOING WITH THE FLOW. It’s actually Mingyu that gets his hands on him first so he can show him Handjob King Kim Mingyu™ and Seungkwan cums in like 3minutes-y 6/???

then gets smothered in kisses by the subs bc they were like 'Omo same like I came watching you jfc oh my’ and Mingyu’s grinning lol. Then Jun and Minghao gets their hands on him because who are the masters of teasing? These two are, yes indeed. Minghao runs his hands all across Seungkwan’s body and Jun’s nipping at his thighs and Kwan’s bloody whimpering and Soonyoung has taken to kissing Seungkwan’s moans out and Joshua and Wonwoo are making out beside them. -y 7/?

Jeonghan edges Seungkwan :) and he really really likes it #2 kink discovered. Now for the main event #1. Everyone moves out the way and Seungkwan’s panting and whimpering and is just a mess of cum and sweat and there’s like a little humming sound and oh yeah he pointed out the vibrators lol. So Jihoon and Cheol are standing there with a vibrator each and smirking at Seungkwan and he’s just so gone. -y 8/?

His bangs are sticking to his forehead and he’s panting and covered in cum from like 6 other people because they all came because Seungkwan’s just really hot okay. *CUE THE PROPER MAIN EVENT* a.k.a Cheol whipping out his magnum dong. Seungkwan is scared™. -y 9/? lol

So all the subs are surrounding him and being cute and stuff whilst Jeonghan and Josh prepare Seungkwan and Wonwoo’s kissing all over Seungkwan’s stomach and leaving marks at his hips and helping keep his legs apart so Jun can stretch him. The subs are praising him and telling him that he’s such a good boy and calling him a prince. Then comes the ding dong. Seungkwan moans SO LOUD EVERYONE IS SHOCKED. -y 10/??

So after that it’s everyone’s goal to get more sultry moans out of Seungkwan because he’s actually quite quiet. Ok don’t kill me just yet. Seungkwan is like… Really sensitive but kind of does that thing where he doesn’t moan just kinda breathes and pants really sexily so they all try to get more moans out of Seungkwan and make him louder because his moans are just so attractive oh my. *cue vibrators on halt* Seungkwan looks up at Cheol and he’s completely wrecked. -y 11/?

Cheol goes slow at the start as per usual but Seungkwan BEGS for more and the vibrators are on again to tease him and he’s just on cloud 9. Cheol eventually speeds up and is really quite rough for a coming of age but Seungkwan loves it and everyones loves Seungkwan’s moans so happy feelings all around. Jihoon takes Seungkwan’s cock ring off and Cheol cums before Seungkwan anyway. (The BOOty too good). Now it’s Jun’s turn. And we all know who’s the master of rough. -y 12/? 

And Minghao and Jun share a look and it’s kinda like 'let’s see how much he can take’ and Seungkwan’s almost as good as Minghao when it comes to being a cockslut oh boy. He just BEGS FOR COCK SO MUCH KMS. Jun literally pounds Seungkwan and it’s like probably one of the best dickings Jun’s ever given. Jun is proud. Seungkwan’s tired. So in comes Wonu because Wonu is lovely. -y 13/? 

It’s so sweet and so soft and such a difference compared to Cheol and Jun and Seungkwan is like gripping onto the sheets because over stim and has a dry orgasm :’). Now Jihoon boy oh boy. Acc wait now Jihoon and Soonyoung yay for double pen. So Jihoon’s all rough and holding his legs right back but then you have Soonyoung being really soothing and running his hands over Seungkwans thighs and arms and stomach. A battle of the concepts™. -y14 

That’s it everyone I’m done sinbin is cancelled this is the longest concept that’s ever entered my ask box b ye

[voidmade]

novel-length rant ahead

i feel so disillusioned by life, nothing is like it was supposed to be and i don’t even know where to start

first of all uni life has been a pathetic disappointment. moving out of a town(and country) that i hated was supposed to end almost 2 decades of pent up frustrations,b ut it has bought me nothing but misery. i worked so hard to pursue something i was passionate about, fashion design, and got in a pretty good school but everything flopped afterwards. the method of teaching rather inhibits me than inspire, the crowd is an omogenous flock of rich pretentious privileged kids i’d rather not affiliate myself with-i did expect to find interesting, original people with similar mindsets buuut that didn’t happen, and sadly- i’ll soon have to stop my studies because not only i cannot keep up financially anymore but my mental state slipped so far off i’ve been unable to do proper school work. at first i thought it was just my usual apathy or laziness but even this particular field of fashion which once brought me joy now leaves me indifferent. i cannot bring myself to care anymore, i feel unable to create- i haven’t had an original idea in months, and before i used to make artworks as frequently as i could, not even magazines, my biggest love, cannot warm me up. and this overall indifference doesn’t stop here, i lost my appetite to read as well, even though i used to practically devour books and read 100 in a year- i cannot even focus to read 1 page now. films don’t appeal to me anymore either. art galleries leave me cold and travelling or at least exploring the city don’t mean anything to me now. basically, all my love for life is and small things is gone.

second of all, my personal life is pretty much in shambles. failing so much in uni really affected my mental state, but a big part of those failures were caused by issues outside it, so it’s been pretty much a vicious circle. i’m living in a place which i absolutely hate, with a landlord who is not only the biggest annoying weirdo of all times, but a blatant racist, homophobe and quite sexist as well. i cannot even invite people over without him getting upset. and not to mention, i live 20 km away from the city and commuting almost on the daily s u c k s. alll my attempts to move out were pointless: i either don’t have the budget, don’t know the right people or i’m simply not the tenant people are looking for. this situation has brought me on the verge of tears so many times, and i’m not one to cry easily at all. above all, i feel so isolated from all the other people my age, who live together, have their own social circles and overall just...have a life and living it fully. meanwhile i just wallow in my misery, admiring from the side. 

the other things holding me back is my financial status. i come from a lower middle class family, meaning we could’ve barely afford paying our living expenses while i was still living there. with me moving to another country, they’ve been struggling even harder. so obviously i had to get a job. but all the good ones i applied for, even in places some of my classmates were already working, rejected me, even though i managed to do my best at the interviews. so i had to settle for something so fkn low-paid i was basically exploited. after a month i quit bc it just made me below miserable. now i do have something else, better paid but since i just started i only get very few hours, which is not really enough to cover my rent.

and last but not least, i simply feel completely empty. i did get in a relationship but my feelings simply aren’t there.i did manage to help the other person immensely only by being there. and ending this thing just because i’m not ~feeling it would simply destroy that person, and i don’t want to do that.

also i didn’t manage to make any friends here, except 2 or 3. all my other good old ones are back home. so i feel pretty isolated.

oh and...all this fucking void i feel inside me cannot be filled with anything. attention, love, food, alcohol, sex, drugs....nothing helps. i cannot even enjoy them, they just somehow make me feel worse. i feel this emptiness so deeply sometimes it almost hurts. that’s the closest i can get these days to experiencing an emotion.

i cannot even talk with my mother anymore. i don’t answer to her calls for days on end. i simply don’t have the power to interact with her anymore. and sometimes even messages from my closest friends have to wait because...i simply cannot do it. some days, my biggest achievement is answering a text or cleaning my room. or simply showering, which i’ve been skipping even though i used to be obsessed with personal hygiene. it’s literally that bad.

overall, everything is simply...wrong. i know i shouldn’t compare myself to others but to me it seems that they just have it all better than me. they can keep up with their degree, they don’t have to worry about surviving, they have nice jobs, they live with people they like, have plenty of friends and all in all...they live their life like normal people this age should do. and of course, i feel envious. because i’ve been pushed aside and only admiring things from afar, never being quite able to get them for myself since... ever. i’ve missed out on lots of things and i feel i’ll continue to miss out on more. i cannot help but wonder, what is it that keeps me from enjoying things like a regular person my age? why cannot i have that life too? 

really, it might all seem trivial but i am so tired. i just want to enjoy life for once and not feel like a reject. i want to be stable and content.