#but now i can see how fucking wishy washy I was being constantly trying not to step on anyone's toes in hopes not to seem disrespectful

[protobrieile]

i still kinda can't believe on the other side exists. sounds about right and i might have been wrong are totally ethereally heartbreakingly beautiful and, while still exceeding my expectations and presenting me with a need to rewrite my perspective, they are both a lot more in line with what i thought his contributions to the album would be like. on the other side was a complete curveball though and perhaps (by which i mean most definitely) the most amazing and incredible and enthralling one i've ever been thrown. it literally instilled such a fucking massive sense of optimism and hope for forward movement that i honestly had passively thought i'd never feel again. good lord i love this man

[letmeoutofthebasementt]

Kokoro in relationships

So, his birth time is unknown. I personally think he looks like either an Aries or Scorpio rising, though. He immediately gave that Scorpio energy when I looked at him, but those two may just be because he has prominent Scorpio and Aries placements. But I’m going to calculate this for noon per what’s standard, and change this if his birth time is ever confirmed. So for the sake of this, I’m calculating this as if he’s a Capricorn rising. Which may be possible? I can’t see it as much as the others, but I can still see it.

Alright, so right off the bat, he’s the kind of lover that values absolute honesty from his partners. He’ll be honest, but if he even suspects you’re not? An immediate no.

He’s also very…Disciplined with showing his affection. He’s very closed off because he feels so deeply and so intensely, but he doesn’t like that deep intensity because he wants that detachment and freedom. His emotions are also very…Fickle? That’s the best way I can really put it. They’re constantly changing and going haywire.

He has an Aries moon, Sagittarius Venus, Libra Mars, and a Scorpio Sun + Mercury.

He loves freedom, and he’s wishy washy with his passions. Trying to tie him down is like trying to keep a perfectly good plane that’s always ready to go from taking off with your bare hands. It’s near impossible unless you’re Hercules.

He also doesn’t like attachment, and wants to be independent. But he’s also somewhat of a serial romantic. I’m not calling Kokoro a bop, but I’m also not saying it’s off the table. It’s very much on the table. Actually, I am calling him a possible bop. And that’s okay. Because sometimes bopitry is needed for the soul.

He probably has an anxious avoidant attachment style.

His feelings are fickle. His affections are too. His eye probably wanders a lot, because his emotions are impulsive and constantly yearning for something else, his heart craves freedom, and his mars craves…Flirting. And beauty.

Probably prefers casual no-strings attached arrangements anyways.

He’s always looking for something new, and just goes wherever his affections guide him before dipping out like he was never there.

Honestly, I can’t decide if he’s the type to be in a situationship or not. As in the one making the situationship a situationship. On one hand, he’s very blunt. On the other hand, he’s charming and the way he speaks is so deep and alluring and he makes you feel like you’re on cloud nine because “dating” Kokoro is fun and new. Everything is different, and he enjoys giving gifts. He’s kind and big-hearted, and he overlooks your minor flaws and he feels like your best friend and lover in one.

Then he disappears never to be seen again and you have your “What the fuck” moment.

He’s not dependable. Not really.

With that being said, he’s not really into ‘playing games’ per se in love. He also doesn’t like drama. But he likes being desired, and he likes being with someone who’s desired.

He also likes the idealized version of you, because let’s be real here, if he’s willing to give you the time of day there’s something about you.

Also very sexually attracted to foreign women. Very.

This doesn’t necessarily mean he NEVER wants to be in a committed relationship.

Now, in relationships conflicts definitely wouldn’t be…A big thing? He may hold grudges, but he also is generally very diplomatic. He knows how to talk it out, albeit he’s very blunt with his words. But in the start he also avoids conflicts however he can, which can create issues.

He avoids conflicts and confrontation, but he also holds grudges. So it festers and builds and builds until next thing you know he’s bringing up something that happened years ago he’s still mad about.

He also has trouble bringing himself to assert himself or express his needs and desires. Though when he does it’s very blunt and straightforward.

His relationships are all very intense and transformative to both parties though. And very passionate. Even if they’re just flings.

But he’s also possessive and controlling.

Now…I don’t see him allowing himself into a committed relationship in my personal opinion BECAUSE he’s probably aware of his flaws.

But if he was?

That’d be an experience.

He doesn’t like commitment or attachment. He wants to be free and independent, but he’s also possessive and controlling and craves depth.

He’s very simple-minded, and very blunt and straightforward. He doesn’t think of your feelings or really even care about them, to be honest. He only cares enough to be a diplomat when emotions are running high.

He’ll be so invested, so in love and even obsessed. Then he gets bored and moves onto the next conquest like you never existed.

He also hates being influenced by others. So if a partner changes his lifestyle even slightly? It’s a wrap.

He’s jealous and possessive and controlling and so fucking insecure but if YOU’RE any of those things? He’s leaving you.

He’s most definitely toxic. Not even gonna beat around the bush.

He likes men more than women. Not in a gay way, in a…He likes men more than women. His Aries moon makes him have a certain…Masculine ideal. Not in a way that makes him hate or dislike women, or want them back in the kitchen. His Libra Mars also indicates this. But in a “I hate women” way. I honestly think for him he just prefers the company of men to women though.

So maybe he’s gay. Maybe. I also think that may be the reason why he WOULDN’T be gay. I dunno, though it’s a toss up (I’ve never met a straight Aries placement)

But back to the topic at hand

He’s very compassionate towards the people he’s with. And he’s definitely a lot like their rock. He’ll be strong for them and shoulder things so they don’t have to.

(Every time it gets nice I feel the urge to say “Before he leaves them”.)

(This is giving me that Kenji clip that was like “Kenji, what are we naming the baby?” And he said “Let’s name that MF abandoned! Hold on, let me get some milk real quick I’ll be right back…” because he would in fact say that. Kokoro will abandon you but at least if it’s a in the moment decision he’ll tell you you’re being abandoned. Chivalry.)

I was about to touch on his Aquarius Juno but in all honesty… I don’t see him being able to stick around someone who had any traits that’d indicate, or didn’t have any traits that’d indicate.

But I also don’t see him sticking around period.

On another note we have the same Lilith! So that’s fun

But this also indicates more insane controlling tendencies, and if he feels you’re not listening he crashes the fuck out. His shadow persona is a dictator point blank period.

I feel mildly threatened by his birth chart. It’s not even bad. Just threatening.

But yeah, that’s all for now. If you want a pt. 2 tell me because I didn’t consult the cards as much as I could’ve or gone into asteroids, houses except like a few for specific placements, or aspects.

Also is it bad this reading made me more attracted to Kokoro? Maybe. But that’s my prerogative and I’ve already realized I’m attracted to red flags and toxicity. But that’s my thing to deal with

[alitgblog]

s9 vol 6: oh fuck I was joking last time but am i.. is this gonna be a Hamish route for me??? 😳

i guess first of all, the kelly/kat drama. I know it's yet again Finn and Kat but I'm happy they're dealing with it in a different way (although if S5 is Suresh's island, I can't help but think S9 is Kat's island 🙄). The thing that annoyed me the most is MC not being able to say anything? Like Kelly brought up the note, I feel like MC and Finn should've said something.

however we do get this, which, as someone with a friend whose name starts with K going through relationship troubles with a Korean man, actually I'm offended they took my joke and made it less funny,

but snog marry pie! Most of the girls (my MC included) choosing to kiss Hamish? It's like we all forget how bad a kisser he was in S6 like what happened. however, uhhh kinda worth it like I was initially intrigued about a Finn or Stefan route but Hamish is really coming in as a dark horse with chat like this (especially considering how sassy MC can be this season)

and the thing too is even though hes clearly changed bc they're making him a serious LI this season, there are several moments where I'm like yeah that's the same guy that had the audacity to ask S6 MC to run away with him at the end of S6

Then I played by rules like Chen, and chose a different person to snog, a different person to marry, a different person to pie. And then Hamish gets his little moment kissing and marrying MC, which kind of undermines the big moment which is his speech where he pies himself? like the talk on the terrace later this volume is great and I love the flirty banter between him and MC but he's so wishy washy about Natasha and it just doesn't really get addressed?

Kat's partner (in my game, Jude) is a whole mess. Like it'd be one thing if he's gonna be like "hey I'm sorry I was just defending Chen because I misinterpreted some stuff I thought you did" but it's another to do all that meanwhile he was also being shady about flirting with Melissa???

Then they call the incident Melgate bc... fusebox struck gold with Cherrygate and has been trying to recreate it ever since and has always failed. I never clicked the gem scene that would prompt Kat to tell you this story, and so I was so confused until they explained it in the next episode and that was so annoying. Then they do the thing (again!) where they like shame you for not being a friend (Kat's like "I tried to tell you"). this is worse than when you had an ugly dress and the girls were like God you look awful.

Jude being vague during the game was annoying bc i know theyre just stretching it out but also absolutely I could see that happening on the show where he's like "you know what you did. we'lltalk about it later" and it cuts to MC in the beach hut being like "judes being a real bitch. of course I know what I did but which time are you referring to"

Chen being constantly voted the sweetest during the challenge and then awards night is great but also just reminds me that his character is gonna be so vague from now on bc he's sharing a personality with three other guys. like its gonna hurt to break him but also he's not getting the care from the writing team that they've been giving the other routes so unfortunately he's boring rn 😬. doesn't even have the audacity to be mad just has to go away and think. And Chen just keeps taking L's too with MC (at least in my game) flirting with everyone and Jude in his ear saying MC can't be trusted. like if he twists in casa I'm not even sure if the audience would blame him (they would bc they love MC but ya knowww)

God don't remind me I'm missing not only missing actual litg season 2 but also what I have instead is Kat and Finn season 2

anyway MC being able to say never have I ever had a steamy shower with someone? she's so messy

also with Natasha explaining more of what she did in casa on her original season has me making things up in my head bc you gotta be a pretty memorable casa girl for the game to pretend you're an all star but she didn't even make it to the actual villa so that's even harder to imagine, but I'm going to pretend she flirted with one of the guys while also sneaking behind his back with Roxy and people ate that up. then he tells her he wants to bring her to the villa and she rides off into the sunset with Roxy instead (or Roxy breaks her heart goes in the villa with a guy idk)

I'm starting to think Kat's gonna end up either with Finn or if MC is with Finn, then single but then we get a reunion episode and she reveals she's dating Finn's brother bc she has a TYPE (also wouldn't be out of the ordinary for fusebox bc of the grace/ozzy/marshall thing but it's still icky to me lol)

then lastly for brunch we got the first of TWO prompts this volume to lay to learn about your own backstory?? I mean no question I'm upset about paying for information but your OWN character??

I had no problem saying no though like I feel like there's enough context about Sarah Ann for me to guess (side note, if anyone from Casa comes back with Sarah Ann I'm throwing hands)

OK but awards now. I feel like awards night is usually an end of season thing when the producers of the show have not much drama left bc the couples are solid and they want to throw in drama for the last week, but seeing as this is a game and they can just write in the finale whenever, I guess here is alright. (I wonder if that means no movie night then though?)

the clip they showed of Natasha? honestly, I respect her more for it. like idk she just seems more real than this perfect character flirting with MC all the time if she's venting to Hamish about also being sick of Kat and Finn or small things like Kelly taking long to get ready.

Here's where I did wish there was more branching like I think if you didn't do anything with Finn you should get a nice award, like about being loyal, while the clip still showed Finn being sneaky. like I don't doubt that if this were real, the producers of the show WOULD show the note and then getting cut off before MC realizing it's Finn and not her partner, but it's irritating to get blamed for that and even worse, MC does not get a real chance to defend herself, we just listen to everyone else's reactions.

anyway in my game MC should've been shown pieing off Finn at the pool and then Jude apologizing realizing he didn't understand what he saw. and then subsequently after show the clip of MC trying to kiss Finn at the shower and him rejecting her bc I personally loved that moment and I actually gasped when I thought they were gonna show it instead of cutting it off (bc again, not enough branching)

I did spend the gems on the second MC lore thing bc I was like ehh why not it's the end of the volume and like wow I get why I like s9 mc now, she's so Bobby coded 🤣

once again, I do appreciate the effort going into Hamish's route rn bc he has actual consequences and regrets for hooking up with Melissa and it getting exposed. OK maybe not actual consequences bc I think the game will just continue to pair up him and Natasha but the fact that there are some repercussions at all AND he gets to talk out his feelings and regrets about it with MC on the terrace after? And then he continues to show interest in MC and explain his reasons for not being with her and also the whole hi trying to look for validation from his dad? sorry Finn and Chen, the writers are playing favorites

I did not think we were getting casa lmao. there's no casa in the actual love island all stars and love island games so I was surprised but I'm curious about who the other boys are, if they're all gonna be international or are we gonna see at least one more UK islander? if Cassius is coming in during casa it feels like he's gonna be overshadowed and his route is probably merged with some international guys, which I guess makes enough sense like we didn't know him during season 7 anyway but I'm just curious.

oh yeah and this guy

late to the party like I know the game keeps reminding me of him, but the more they did the interested I was, but I could be brought back

OK fingers crossed they don't dump single islanders post casa

[cynopter]

Orange Peels on Fire: aka Townsend lore

because someone asked: here's a big dump of stuff about the story Townsend is from, i.e. the narrator of Choker!

Major TW for suicide/hanging, and obviously OCD.

Also, heads up that it's a really silly, REALLY emo story about ghost hunting lol.

Townsend is the deuteragonist of a (really extremely unfinished) story I had, that was provisionally called Orange Peels on Fire (opof). I started working on it when I was watching a lot of Demon Slayer, and it was basically my attempt to create a cast of shounen anime characters who were all girls but look exactly like the typical shounen anime protagonists. (I mention Demon Slayer because I took a LOT of inspiration from that - at times I described it to people as a shitty lesbian Vietnamese Demon Slayer knockoff... wow it's like it was made for me!!!)

A lot of lore is super wishy-washy because I did like the OG concept art in 2021, then I just kinda fucked around until 2022 when I revamped it for a screenwriting class. I don't really consider either version more canon, but I did a lot more work on the screenwriting version so I'll just describe that :P

Setting

It's set in post-apocalyptic US (either Virginia or like California but I couldn't commit because I've never seen California). A lot of the human population is gone - old civilization is being reclaimed by nature and the surplus oxygen means that there are also giant bugs now who take a lot of the niches previously held by mammals (like mice, dogs, deer etc). The oxygen is also how I campily explain away people being able to do epic anime jumps and stuff lmao. This, plus global warming, also means that the middle of North America now has a sort of tropical climate.

The part that actually matters is everyone in the US lives in tiny villages created out of suburban neighborhoods, and they're constantly having Ghost and Monster Problems of some nature because society has forgotten how to properly bury the dead --- and also because that apocalyptic event 100-or-so years ago caused so many ghosts to be created.

Phượng Lê

The protagonist is Phượng Lê, an 18 year old girl who can see ghosts. She's a triplet, with a living brother (Thanh) and a stillborn sister (the titular Cam / "Orange") who she's always seen as just a normal sister because she's a ghost that lives with them.

(All three of these characters are from a depressing realistic fiction short story I wrote, which I personally consider to be their "true" versions, but I imported them into this because I thought it'd be stupid and funny to turn a story like that into a shounen anime lol)

This is what Phượng looks like! (modern on left, old on right)

She's struggled with depression her whole life, partially because everyone thinks she's a sad and delusional pyromaniac for acting like she has a living sister (whose bones she keeps in a box) and for burning stuff to send it to her. Because of that she puts a LOT of stock in Cam's happiness because keeping Cam's ghost kind of cost her everything (including her parents abandoning them etc).

Cam's remains get stolen one day and long story short, Phượng and Thanh end up traveling around the country trying to solve ghost problems, scooby-doo style, in pursuit of the person who stole them. There's like a different category of ghost every time, based on Vietnamese folklore. (And if you're wondering, Cam's bones are valuable because stillborn baby remains can be used for evil magic, which is of course what the evil people in this story want to do).

That finally brings us to...

Townsend! (aka May Hoàng)

Townsend has pretty different lore between 2021 and 2022, but again I'm going with the latter because I've spent more time on that.

In the story:

She's a self-proclaimed "evil ghost" who haunts a tree at the edge of town. Phuong comes to her to ask if she's seen Cam; Townsend is surprised to meet a human who's friendly to ghosts.

She lightly antagonizes P & Th (in what is later revealed to be an attempted suicide-by-cop type thing) and runs away from them a few times before finally deciding to join their team. (In some versions she has to pretend to be human to deceive Irene, the secretly evil lady helping P & Th out).

Originally I had her birth name as Townsend - in the most recent iteration, this is a nickname Phượng gives her through this miscommunication:

She's the only member of the team who can actually, you know, touch ghosts? (Except when Phuong goes all danny phantom on their asses but I don't need to get into that).

Despite this, and despite the fact that she constantly threatens to kill people*, she basically bursts into tears at the thought of enacting violence on people/ghosts, so she ends up just serving as their strategist **(as the only one who isn't kind of dumb lol).

* Her catch phrase is basically "Don't touch me, i'll kill you." This is really emo lol, but what you find out eventually is this is actually a warning and not a threat.

**Specifically, because Thanh is the only one with absolutely no ghost powers, he has to use weapons made by Phuong, and because Phuong is like the main character, Townsend and Thanh have to work together to strategize & fight in the background. That's a whole arc because Townsend is a coward who doesn't want to be in fights, and Thanh doesn't trust Townsend because she constantly threatens to kill him and Phuong. Fair, I guess.

Townsend's backstory:

She's supposed to be this fundamentally irrational character, who eventually becomes a love interest of Phượng (they're both lesbians) but still never brings herself to stop antagonizing her whenever they get too close. After months and months of working together, Phượng finally gets Townsend's backstory:

She was originally a 17-year-old girl named May Hoàng, who lived in a town next to Phượng's. She suffered from something that we would in modern times describe as OCD, but had since been forgotten by society because of the apocalypse (rip). Her family was Catholic, and they didn't think much of her earlier obsessions (except that she was being annoying), but when she confided in them about her newest obsession about dropping and strangling her baby brother, Meri, they confided in the church - and eventually all the townsfolk came to believe she was being influenced by the devil.

May's parents kept trying to work with her, but eventually she ran away to hang herself.* In some versions, instead of going through with that, she conveniently gets attacked by a hangman ghost (which is how I really loosely translated ma thần vòng) right before that, who strangles her and she still dies. Fun!

*This is what's described in the beginning of Choker. In the original version, she runs away on the back of a giant-giant american millipede, as depicted on the cover, and that becomes kind of a faithful steed that they can all ride around on later.

Either way, what she didn't realize (I guess because she's Catholic) is that if you hang yourself and nobody finds your body, you turn into a hangman ghost, and can only pass on if you strangle a living person to take your place.

So..... obviously that's not going to happen.

Phượng & Townsend

May died about a year before the story starts. She was kind of hoping Phượng could just exorcize her, but because it takes about 3 seconds to realize May isn't actually a threat, Phượng refuses to do that.

Instead they kind of fall in love (shipname Phuongsend if you're wondering lol), and they eventually figure out she's just mentally ill and reinvent ERT or something.

Meanwhile, because of both Cam and May, the whole team is looking for a way to turn ghosts back into living people. I never decided if they actually succeed, but honestly I don't think they ever will. May committed suicide and that's just not something you can undo.

As foils

They both care a lot about each other, but that's despite (or maybe because of?) some very conflicting values. There's a little undercurrent of each trying to change the other's morals.

Phượng's mother abandoned her and Thanh because of her obsession with her sister, Cam, who was stillborn and never even got a chance at life. She's only leaving home now to find that sister and maybe even bring her back to life.

From Phượng's perspective, May HAD a shot at life, and somehow thinks she has the right to get it back even after squandering it. May also loves her baby sibling to death, but her idea of protecting him was to run away forever --- and to Phuong, that's just about the worst thing you can do to someone you love.

They were both treated as heretics, but Phượng reacted by getting a superiority complex and starting to hate everyone, while May still thinks everyone is fundamentally good, except herself. Phượng is (technically) a younger sister and constantly pushes back against Thanh's overprotectiveness, something May sees as disrespectful and scary, as an older sister who spent years obsessing over Meri's safety. Finally, Phượng's violent tendencies/occasional anger issues are something May sees as a big moral problem.

And.... that was a LOT. I'm not sure if I'll keep this post up honestly because there's still like a TINY chance I'll adapt this into something. But for now enjoy the lore dump :P

[inkybinkyboink]

urinetown stoner headcanons

it's less than a month to the show and im going fucking nuts. i drove two and a half hours today on a whim. to pick up a toilet seat that my parents didn't need anymore for props. headcanons below the cut >:)

bobby: like i said, he's definitely eaten half a pan of brownies thinking they were normal. he spent an hour trying to scrub a stain off of the side of the amenity until he was told it was spray paint. then he walked to hope's place and started crying about stray cats and how he wanted to adopt them all. he slept for thirteen hours and refuses to admit the incident ever happened.

penny: made the pan of brownies. she does edibles sometimes to destress and decompress and can you blame her? penny on weed becomes the most anarchic, careless person in the best way possible. go piss for free. she doesnt give two flying fucks. the world sucks. commit crimes. just do it. see you in urinetown. bobby once asked her if he could have a raise while she was baked and she said yes and regrets it every single day.

lockstock: listen, ok. i have my heart set on the idea that lockstock is fully aware that his career and position in society is ultimately more of a detriment than it is an aid. i think that knowing this bugs him (arguably). that being said, i think he does smoke, if not for pain management then to fucking forget about how awful everything is. i think the people he's killed weigh on his conscious and smoking a fat j turns that off for a little while. that man will lay on the couch with a bowl of pretzels and watch whatever's on tv until he falls asleep.

barrel: the opposite of lockstock. he's convinced he's helping and maintaining order in society. he likes abiding by the rules. so when he bums a cigarette off of lockstock and it turns out to be a blunt, he immediately gets so paranoid. lockstock has to calm him down because barrel is being SO loud and bro we are going to get caught. like 30 seconds after he calms down and eats something, he passes the fuck out on the couch bc its some strong ass ptsd indica. he very begrudgingly acknowledges that it did make him feel better and that he did sleep well. now, sometimes, after a bad day, him and lockstock share a joint.

cladwell: bro smoked so much pot before the stink years but then he rose to power and imposed laws that made it illegal and thinks he's The Shit for doing it. everyone's fucking pissed he did.

hope: little becky offered her a very special tasting gummy bear once and it was some mad sativa. hope did not shut up. for three hours. all she talked about was how she missed bobby. and how spaghetti was so good. then someone put on cartoons and she was absorbed like an ipad kid on an 8 hour flight.

fipp: would not do weed now but has done it in the past. nightmare blunt rotation. he just talks about politics. and not the good kind. it's terrifying. get that man away from me.

mcqueen: same as fipp but he gets like. scared. i think mcqueen knows deep down that what he's doing is wrong, but he constantly ignores it, so when he's high all that bubbles to the surface and he gets really wishy-washy about what he's saying. honestly i think it would be really funny to watch.

little becky two shoes: rolls the craziest blunts. the tesseract joint isn't beyond her skills. got pissed when she found out she was pregananate because she couldnt smoke weed anymore bc she wants her kid to be healthy. little becky knows where to get the good shit. she's dealing like fucking jesse pinkman from breaking bad.

hotblades harry: same boat as becky minus the pregnant part. they have competitions for who can roll the best joint like it's a cup stacking contest. people bet money. that man has smoked more weed than you ever will. his house is almost constantly hotboxed. hotblades harry more like hotboxed harry.

bonus:

old man strong has taken some mad edibles for hip pain.

little sally is a child so shes not on this list but i will be damned if she doesnt constantly bug lockstock about the funny cigarette she saw him smoke once

after urinetown they still use the secret hideout but it's just for smoke sessions. it's just a blunt rotation. it's comfy now, they made it comfy. they added lights.

[pumpkinstep]

okay but like imagine how fucked up this situation would be for everyone involved.

Chell is a resilient and stubborn shit. she'll do everything in her power to get what she wants and survive. I don't think she would tolerate the narrator at all. this is to assume she's already been through both portal games, I think her desire to muscle her way out would end up changing the scrip too much for the narrator.

likewise, I think the narrator would figure something is amiss and after being disregarded over and over from the very start, he'd probably do his best to let her go only to find that the higher narrative has both of them trapped. Not only his she stuck here with him, he's stuck here with her and they'll both be stuck in a self eating snake loop that never ends or concludes.

as for Stanley, the dude would be the perfect test subject but for all the wrong reasons. assuming he's pushed into portal 1, I think it'd be a super funny dynamic where glados is constantly having to dumb the puzzles down for him and trying to figure out just what is wrong with this guy.

see Stanley doesn't jump or do much else unless given explicit permission to do so. he must be guided and allowed to proceed on his own and with his wishy washy attitude, he may not even do that. just because he simply doesn't feel like it.

bro will sit on the companion cube and wait for like 3hrs before continuing on his merry way. of course when it comes to button pressing puzzles, he can do that, that's his job after all, to push buttons.

and what else has a lot of buttons to push? Glados.

I think he'd be passively snarkier than chell, purposefully doing small things to get on her nerves but never enough to make her mad enough to kill him. besides, I think her curiosity would get the better of her and she'd want to study him more.

now that I think about it, the two games would probably play out exactly the same but with more willful chaos.

although, I think the biggest key difference is that stanely does talk. i mean he can talk so like imagine what that would be like for glados haha

come to think of it, since chell doesn't talk, I wonder how well that would go over for the narrator and their rivalry. he gets really worked up when he can't directly influence or feel understood by his oc.

what a cool concept

Time traveler: *moves a chair*

The timeline:

Textless version:

[sambinnie]

1. Happy Mabon! Every autumn, I forget that the darkness comes clanging down in a great rush in the mornings. One day, I am greeted by a pinking sunrise. 48 hours later, it’s so dark on my run to the river that I have to stop a passing runner and check the time, in case my disturbed sleep sent me dressing and leaving the house at 2am. This summer may not have given us those mornings where it’s so hot I can barely get out of the water, where those early hours feel like full silent days carved out just for me to sit in the light and wait for everyone else to wake up, where the only extra thing I put on to run home is my trainers — I look at my waiting winter gear, neoprene socks and gloves, head torch, two more thickening jumpers, hat, thermal mittens — but every season, every day, is beautiful.

Today we go early for celebrations, and the water is silky, and Orion hangs over us with his phallic sword dangling and Betelgeuse winking on one shoulder. The near-full moon spotlights us and I feel almost ready for the shortening days.

2. Hilary Mantel continues to be a literary god. How does she write with that clarity? How can I ever speak with her calm good sense and wit? 

3. We have two main problems at the moment, as far as I can see. a) What we’re doing (“curating” our lives; twitter spats; purity spirals; division and isolation; wanting ‘debates’ that can only be won or lost; encouraging people to buy more things; trying to buy our happiness; letting marketers tell us how we feel about the world rather than encouraging major moral lessons from throughout the ages to challenge us on our weaknesses; refusing to accept that life is suffering; asking self-care to be a plaster for everything we don’t have) and b) what we’re not doing (joining together to stand against those with more money and power; protecting the people who have even less power and voice than we do as a matter of course; learning from history; protecting nature above all else; prioritising going for walks; learning to repair things and campaigning to make things repairable; having a basic belief in human dignity for all, not just those with whom we agree; accepting that truly, we are all different and no amount of shaming or disgust will change that; working to shape our societies, culture, economies, production, food supplies and communications around improving — not just sustaining — the air, water and land, and fighting to ensure all of those new shapes protect women and children).

Individualism has morphed into something so completely self-destructive that we’ve forgotten we need nature more than anything — literally, more than anything — and we need to unionise and unite and put aside differences and work together even with people we don’t like. 

Because when there are wicked people in power, when it’s genuinely exhausting to think about all the corrupt, venal, toxic, divisive, false, and cruel things they have done since coming to power, those people love to watch everyone below pointing their fingers at one another, saying, You, You’re The Enemy, You’re The Problem, while corrupt populist leaders rub their bellies and chuckle at another promise broken, another mass death on their hands, another building site on a protected forest. Do you understand the stakes here? Do you understand that it’s actual survival? It’s not about being right any more, it’s not about besting someone in the argument. It’s about having decision makers who can not only ensure there is still food to eat and air to breathe, but that relations both within a country and between countries are built on care, and support, and compassion, and believing in human dignity. And while it sounds wishy-washy and hands-clappy it’s the schmaltzy, sentimental truth. It’s the only one, really. 

If we instead continue to believe every single day that my feelings are the most important, that my beliefs are the right ones, that I’ve got to prove those baddies there are evil and awful and wrong, then honestly, what the fuck? If we’re happy to live in a country where hostile architecture is the starting point for all public builds, where we send refugee boats away from our shores, where affiliate links are a career goal, where we haven’t stormed the Daily Mail offices with accounts of all our lovely immigrant friends and family and had a huge feast together and compared our long and tangled family trees, then come on. It’s only a race to the bottom if we all keep running. 

Because, pressingly, whatever the spark of a major global conflict — assassination, fuel shortages, hyperinflation, invasion — the kindling is almost always a populace fed pure hatred for months, for years, until they can’t even taste it anymore but are ready to spew it out again, and are ready to use another populace as the receptacle. And hatred is brewed up in silence and isolation, and in the ashes of bridges burned between disparate groups. 

And on that note, I’m not a conspiracy theorist, mainly because I don’t believe governments are generally competent enough to manage Grand Plans, but it’s annoying that technology and social trends and culture have developed in such a way that no one knocks on anyone’s door for a chat as a matter of course now, that it’s a given that a ringing phone triggers anxiety, that it’s not the norm for cups of tea with your neighbours, that we don’t know each other’s neighbourhoods, that we don’t even talk on the phone, with live words and intonation and synchronised laughter, but in text, in WhatsApp chats, in tapped out words and symbols that we know can be screen-grabbed and misinterpreted, that we know are kept, filtered and sold by the tech companies. It’s not a conspiracy. It’s just a reality that every single one of us can choose to do differently. 

Sometimes exactly the right thing comes along at the right time. All of us here watched About a Boy at the weekend, a film which is so wonkily weighted and oddly rhythmed, but a perfect depiction of everything I’m banging on about here. Hugh Grant’s character likes being alone. He’s happy that way. It suits him. It’s his choice. Then, between one thing and another, he finds himself drawn into a world of a suicidal single mother, a duck-murdering young boy, more single mothers, more tricky teens, plus exes and mothers-in-law and awkward support groups. And it turns out that actually, being with people is better. Being uncomfortable often develops you as a person. Constantly prioritising only yourself produces a waxen, pointless baby. Making shared sacrifices might just be the point of being alive. Remember that to be human is to be flawed. That no one is ever completely right, and no one is ever completely wrong. That the boring stuff makes us feel good, and the glossy stuff, if all we strive for is gloss, doesn’t. 

If you want anything practical, here are the things that have really helped me over the last few years:

Writing a letter or email regularly to my MP, to CEOs of organisations, to anyone I want to communicate my strong feelings and how I’d like things to be done better. Tweeting eats your soul. It’s a horrible myth the media pretends is important. It really, really isn’t.

Inviting people to go in front of me in queues, in traffic, getting on to buses and trains. It lowers my stress levels right down.

Learning the names of my neighbours and people I meet regularly on walks and letting them learn mine. (I definitely haven’t just decided I loathe a neighbour because they cut a bird-hatching tree down in their garden on the last day of the year it was legal to do so. It’s fine.)

Joining a few political parties, and the closest thing I have to a union

Making something, anything — everything can be done with love, and learning to not get sucked into the capitalist conceit of having to make it perfect, sellable, exhibitable is a genuine gift to yourself; making a cake or a film or a coaster and not putting it on social media, letting it be ugly or serviceless and loving it anyway. I felt extremely overwhelmed the other evening, but instead of doom-scrolling I knitted a… I don’t know, something flat and woollen, and it helped to have my hands and eyes working on directionless introspective creation. 

Trying to stop hating. Every time I want to tell a negative story in my head about someone, I attempt to turn it into something positive: how unhappy that person must be, what they must be missing out on. It’s so nauseatingly Pollyanna-ish, and of course it isn’t always successful, and of course every single day brings a hundred thousand examples of cruelty and injustice and wickedness, but the alternative only makes my life feel worse, so why would I indulge that? 

Teaching myself the names of birds, trees, flowers, clouds and constellations. I’m still at the most basic levels on all of these, but the difference one feels in the world when you can name things  — let alone use them and know their stories — is a very real sort of magic. (For that reason I hope to read this book very soon.) This episode of The Cut is also good on the wonder and power of learning the names of the weeds that grow in your nearest pavement crack. 

4. Creating anything is always a gamble, isn’t it, but writing a book you actually like for once and seeing it slowly and beautifully sink to the bottom of a river never to be seen again is ever so slightly crushing. However, it turns out even Thom Yorke feels that way, so I am comforted. 

5. I’m sure I’ve mentioned plenty of these before, but if you want some suggestions of where to find joy, here are my favourites from the last year or so:

I was given Lucy Easthope’s book, When the Dust Settles, for work recently, and I was surprised and delighted to discover the most uplifting, hopeful, human and rightfully angry book I’ve read in a long time. Do yourself a favour and preorder it. I bought this other book for my own birthday, gave it to a housemate to give to me, forgot about it, and was delighted to later unwrap He Used Thought As A Wife. Laughed a lot, cried twice. Marvellous. 

Now even the youngest housemate here can recite John Finnemore sketches and sing the songs. Has also taught them various composers, gods, logical fallacies and gothic story tropes. Also v funny. Oh, Kate Beaton! Her two books (Hark! A Vagrant and Step Aside Pops) are a bit like a comic-book version of Finnemore, but swearier and sexier and utterly unsuitable for all the housemates who have read it and been educated about the Brontes, Katherine Sui Fun Cheung, Tom Longboat, Nancy Drew, Ida B. Wells, Sacagawea, and the Borgias. 

Had to give Inside a restraining order against me for the sake of us all, but Bo Burnham’s Eighth Grade is a masterpiece of writing, acting, sound design and optimism. Spy is dumb action comedy polished to perfection, and Yasujirō Ozu’s Good Morning seems like the inspiration for almost all US arthouse films since 1990, and is also beautiful, funny, thoughtful, and good. 

Taylor Swift’s Evermore, like all brilliant albums, isn’t completely perfect. But most of the songs are. And Hole’s classic Live Through This is still just ideal for turning up very, very loud after a tricky day, for the enjoyment of any neighbours who may have hacked down a bird-friendly tree on the last day of February. 

Watched both series of Liam Williams’ Ladhood when I had a week off this summer, and really relished the location, the intention, and the writing. More please. 

Miles Jupp and Justin Edwards continue to be my comforting bedtime listening in In and Out of the Kitchen. Has it ruined Nigel Slater for me? Well, a bit, but no more than any of us deserved. 

I thought this would be a book I’d mumble through the first chapter of, then let get buried in my To Read pile, never to re-open. Instead, I found Whatever Happened to Margo? laugh-out-loud funny, drily written, and full of humanity. Excellent Women has made me want to read everything written by Barbara Pym, a goal I am slowly but surely working towards. 

6. I’ve spent the last few years trying to find hazelnut trees, and finally found a copse between a car park and a play area, full of nuts the squirrels hadn’t noticed. Now I’ve found them, the spell has been cast and I see hazel trees everywhere, on walks and on pavements and running along motorway slip roads. A tray of green and brown frilled hazelnuts now dries with the laundry. They are so beautiful. 

[hufflepuffhollander]

hiya! can i requesta blurb with 17 & 22 (w/ tom) from the prompt list please? if you could make it bantery but also with sexual tension that’d be awesome! thanks loveee

you most certainly can! thanks for officially kicking off the blurb fest! :-)

these ideas are both full of potential for some serious *gulp* sexual tension so this was a blast.

tom x fem reader | contains language, alcohol use, and sexy undertones | word count: 2.2k | enjoy!

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17. “Are you really taking his side against me?”

22. “Come over here and make me.”

Your ears pound and you can feel the vibrations of the house music on full blast in the cup clasped between your hands. You needed this, you earned this — you tried to convince yourself after every sip of that strong brown liquid in your cup that it was okay to take another. The night was becoming hazy, but not enough to diminish the hurt you felt, the pain that was caused by your on-again/off-again friend Tom Holland. It was no surprise you were mad at him, again, because you were convinced he only existed to make your life difficult. With his constant flirting and advances when he had too much adrenaline, wishy-washy romantic confessions, and mind games he played with you, you constantly wondered what the benefit of your friendship even was. You weren’t sure you knew anymore, but one thing’s for sure — we want what isn’t ours, and you wanted Tom. You hated that about him, and about yourself, but no matter how many times he made you angry, you still wanted him just as bad after a fight as you did on the good nights, when you’d spent the night watching old horror movies together and tossing popcorn into each other’s mouths.

You hear an unmistakably charming accent sneak up behind you, wrapping an arm around your waist and pulling you into a haphazard hug, voice slurred. “Hheyyy, Y/N!” Harrison, the third musketeer, kissed your cheek and joined you at the bar.

“Hey, Harrison. Having fun?”

“You know meee,” he threw his hands up in the air, drink splashing around his feet. “Alllways here for a good time!”

You rolled your eyes at your friend, but couldn’t help but smile at his goofiness. You and Harrison were close, arguably closer than you were with Tom, as you only met him a few months ago through Harrison. He never made you crazy like Tom did, always knew what to say and when, but he did like to drink, which was just something you had to put up with. But you were used to it. It was worth it to keep him around as a best friend.

He put his arm back around your waist and started to sway you to the music, but you really weren’t in the mood, so to any stranger, he would’ve just looked like a drunk guy trying to grind up on an unwitting girl. Apparently, in the dim flashing lights, it looked like that to Tom, too.

Tom saw you and Harrison from across the bar, after he had just finished gulping down drink number who-the-fuck-cares, and felt a heat bubbling up in his chest. Who the fuck does Harrison think he is, dancing up on his girl? I mean, maybe they didn’t know she was his, but he’d be damned if he had to stand by while you were being danced up on by his out-of-bounds friend. I mean, god, just look at you. He felt every bone in his body alight with desire to feel you on him again, he wanted to tear that dress off and claim you for his own. She’s mine, and nobody else can have her.

He steadied himself and made his way over to the pair of you.

You glanced over at Tom, beelining toward you, and silently hoped he’d get turned around and forget what he was doing. You didn’t want to deal with this right now. It was your night with Harrison, to go out and forget your troubles, dance the night away…Tom had just seen where you were on social media and decided to crash the party. Some audacity this asshole has, just showing up here after what he did the other night, sending you those videos...with all of those nameless girls...

Harrison seemed oblivious to the incoming threat and ordered another round of shots from the bartender. He saw Tom a second too late.

“Tommm! Hey, we-“

Tom cut him off with a shove to the shoulder, away from you. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, man?” he snarled.

Harrison became wide-eyed and very clearly couldn’t process what was going on at a fast enough rate, and fell back against you for support. “What are you talking about? I just bought us another round-“

Tom shoved him again, a little harder this time, making sure not to make direct eye contact with you. “Leave her alone, she’s not interested,” he heaved.

You and Harrison shared a weary glance, and you turned to confront Tom. “Tom, he’s not doing anything wrong, we see each other like siblings,” he rolled his eyes at your sentence. Usually, he is fine with your dynamic with Harrison, doesn’t seem to mind being the third wheel unless he’s in a mood to stick his tongue down your throat. Which, admittedly, had happened on numerous accounts.

But, tonight, there must’ve been something in the musty club air, because he was looking like he wanted to cross a line.

“You have no idea what he wants behind your back,” Tom started. “He’s been trying to fuck you since you were in uni together.”

Harrison lit up at those words. “How fucking dare you, Tom, I have never said anything like that in my life.” He pulled himself back together and stood a foot taller. “You’re drunk, man. Go home.”

Tom had fire in his eyes, and looked at you before shoving Harrison back a third time. “I may be drunk but I’m not stupid. She’s off limits, you know that.” He took your arm and tried to pull you towards him. “Y/N, let’s go.”

You immediately pulled your arm back and glared at Tom. “I’m not going anywhere with you, you drunk asshole.” Tom seemed hurt by your words, but not enough to stop him from his tirade.

“Well I’m not leaving you alone with him!” He practically yelled over the thumping music. “I don’t trust him, now,” his eyes closed in a prolonged blink, showing his clear intoxication. Harrison stepped in front of you, shielding you from Tom’s stare. “Get out of here, man.”

Tom continued to refute and you pushed your way in between the quarreling boys.

“Tom, he’s right. You’re being insane. Get out of here and go sober up somewhere.”

“Oh, so you’re really gonna take his side against me?” he spat at you, every word stinging more. “After all we’ve been through together? You choose him over us?”

You couldn’t help but tear up at the thought that he could possibly be so oblivious to how he treated you day in and day out, like you were disposable. He only wanted you when he was lonely and there was nobody else.

“There is no us,” you said, swallowing your emotions enough to speak. “You’ve made that clear. Go the fuck home.”

That finally made Tom shut his mouth, and he looked from you, to Harrison, and back to you, defeated. Without another word, he stormed out of the club and disappeared into the night. You turned to Harrison, and he just sighed and shrugged. He turned to the bartender, and told him to make those shots a double.

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The next day, you sulked around your apartment, headache killing you from all of the alcohol, heart aching from your fight with Tom. You knew you probably deserved better than someone constantly stringing you along. But when he wanted you, and you always wanted him, things were magical. You could swear that in those moments that he opened up to you, you could see he desperately loved you too. 

The physical connection was definitely there. Feeling him on you, his breath hot against your neck, his intoxicating smell, it drove you crazy like nothing else did. And the way he talked when you were intertwined was heaven. He told you that you were the most gorgeous woman he’d ever seen. He told you nobody turns him on like you do. Nobody feels the way you do. He told you he loved you.

But that was over now. He clearly only saw you as a piece of ass, and you needed to swallow that truth. Your thoughts were interrupted by a buzz from your phone.

Tom: Hey, Y/N, are you home?

You didn’t respond, and put your phone on silent. Not even 5 minutes later, you hear a knock at your door.

You made the mistake of opening it and saw Tom’s face, painted with remorse, eyes baggy from the night before. You wanted to slam the door, tell him to get lost, but that small part of you that loved him planted your feet in the ground and kept your arms at bay from swinging the door shut.

“What do you want?” your voice came out sounding sadder than you expected.

“Can we talk?” “You can’t just show up here unexpected, you know.”

“You weren’t answering your phone, and I was already here when I texted…” he trailed off, realizing he was getting away from the point. You moved aside so he could step into the apartment.

“Y/N, I just wanted to say how sorry I am-“ you put a hand up to get him to stop talking.

“Tom, I don’t want to hear it.”

He opened his mouth again to speak, but you continued.

“I’m tired of letting you throw me around like I don’t mean anything, like my feelings don’t matter…” you wanted to sound dignified but just sounded pitiful. “It’s too much to take. You send me videos of you partying with other girls, ignore my texts and calls for days at a time, and then suddenly we’re an item just because you don’t like seeing me dance with someone else? It’s idiotic.” Tom stood silently while you continued on, words unwillingly pouring out of you at this point.

“I care about you so much, and I just wish you actually cared about me too. But I guess that’s too much to ask. I just don’t get it, like, what the fuck do you want from me?”

“Y/N…” he was trying to gather his thoughts, and you couldn’t help but let a tear slip down your cheek. He noticed it immediately, moving closer towards you, swiping his thumb across your cheek to rid you of the hot teardrop. All you wanted to do was collapse into him, hug him, kiss him, wanted to hear him tell you soberly that he wanted you as much as you did him. Even after all this. What was wrong with you?

“I don’t know how to make you believe me, but I only get drunk when I’m around you because it keeps me from feeling these scary things I do for you,” he started. “You’re just such a good girl and I don’t want to ruin you. I don’t want to corrupt you, rope you into a relationship with me just to see it burn to the ground. I don’t want that to happen, because if I lose you like that, you’re gone forever. And I don’t want that.”

You pulled back to look at him, trying to read in his face if he actually meant what he was saying. He put up a soft hand to cup your cheek, and feeling his warmth made everything feel so much better. You suddenly realized how hot he looked in his grungy post-drunk state, and your mind flashed with an image of you on top of him, embracing forgiveness, letting him prove to you how much he cared. But it was only momentary, and you were brought back to earth watching him trying to stare into your soul.

“I’m so afraid to be with you because of how much I want to.” His words didn’t really make sense to you, but you loved hearing them anyway. He seemed to sense your changing mood and went on. “Y/N, when we’re together, I- I lose all self control, I feel like I can’t breathe without you, and god, the way you look laid out underneath me-“ his eyes went wide with the words he spoke, and you stifled a chuckle. He eyed you up and down, and something in him changed- his eyes became a deeper brown, his grip on your face and neck becoming a little stronger. “Seeing someone else up on your body made me realize I just want it to be mine, all mine, and nobody else’s.” Your anger started to transform into lust, moving closer to him as he kept speaking. He moved his hands around your waist and pulled you into his body. “I know we might be fire and gasoline, baby, but I’m crazy for it…” he kissed you, or you kissed him- you can’t remember. All you cared about was the feeling of his lips on yours, the tension radiating between you, and you let yourself turn all of the hurt and anger you felt into pure energy.

“How do I know I can trust you?” you breathed, pulling back from the kiss. He licked his lips staring at yours and you felt your stomach drop, but kept taking paces backward until you were standing under the doorframe to your bedroom, awaiting his response. He walked slowly toward you.

“I guess you’ll just have to wait and see. I’ll prove it,” he almost growled, undressing you with his eyes. “Believe me.”

“Believe you?” you lowered your voice and batted your eyelashes. “Why don’t you come over here and make me?” 

That did the trick. He quickly moved toward you and picked you up, hoisting you against the wall of your bedroom.

“Oh, with pleasure.”

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that was hella angsty and I loved it! hope you did too! keep sending in those requests! xoxo

[sincerelyreidburke]

Now that the door of angst has been opened I'm curious, how (if at all) does the toxicity of Nando's past relationship with N*te affect how he acts in his relationship with Quinn?

Thank you for this question, anon! There’s a lot to unpack with regard to the impact of Nando’s relationship experience on not only the way he does his relationship with Quinn but just generally on his life.

In this post, I told you that N*te was a shitty boyfriend, and that their relationship was actually pretty toxic. Now, in response to this ask, I want to take a deeper dive on that, in terms of telling you how it affects Nando and also what that means for him and Quinn.

So: here we go! This got really long, so I’m sorry in advance.

TW: body shaming, general emotional manipulation.

(Ask me anything about the crickets!)

- My favorite way to describe Nando is “a big boy with big emotions”, because that’s exactly what he is, and always has been. Feeling and processing emotion honestly and forwardly is part of his personality, and Mama Hernandez— along with, in a twist on traditional toxic masculinity, Papa as well— raised him to always keep in mind that emotions are healthy and there’s no need to beat them down.

- So in relationships, that translates a certain way— when being a boyfriend, Nando is affectionate, doting, sweet, et cetera. He pours a lot of love onto people, not just in romantic relationships but in his family and friend circles. If he loves you (whether romantically, familially, or platonically), he won’t be afraid to show it.

- Or at least that’s how it is in a healthy situation. And as he have discussed, the situation with N*te is not healthy.

- Now, the thing is. Why would two people get themselves into a relationship that’s not enjoyable or healthy? And the answer to that question is because that most relationships, even toxic ones, start out pretty good. N*te is Nando’s first boyfriend, and their earliest stages of dating are like most other early stages. It’s that “we mutually like each other and there’s something starting between us” feeling that tends to make you really soft.

- And Nando... latches onto that feeling. No boy has ever paid attention to him the way N*te does during that early stage, and he jumps at the chance when they actually become official. He’s about 16, and super gay and touch-starved, and he’s never been in a relationship in his life— so he’s eager. He’s excited. He’s very happy.

- For awhile, things are okay. N*te willingly got himself into this because he liked him, and Nando is a good boyfriend; he does nice things for him and goes out of his way to pander to him and just generally tries to please. Getting attention like this is nice for N*te. It’s why they last so long, ultimately.

- But the thing is, it’s not healthy.

- Because the biggest problem is, N*te can be a little bit of an asshole, and he is constantly making Nando feel like he’s too much. I mean too much in several senses— too loving, too loud, too himself, et cetera. Eventually, the honeymoon phase of dating ends, and N*te starts getting annoyed with him really easily. He’ll be moody for no apparent reason, and he’ll pull back when Nando pushes, and it’s just.... not a good time.

- Nando thinks this is his fault, and rather than own up to the fact that he’s being wishy-washy, N*te feeds right into that and lets him think it’s his fault. He’s constantly dropping little comments about how Nando needs to calm down or stop being so obvious. And this isn’t a closet issue, because they’re both out; it’s an issue of N*te getting embarrassed and ashamed of the level on which Nando wants to show how much he cares about him.

- So this goes on. They date for a long time in high school terms, about a year and a half. Why doesn’t Nando leave? Because that’s his first boyfriend, and he is desperate to please him and work it out, and besides, N*te is only moody some of the time, and it’s always when I deserve it ‘cause I’m being annoying, so really, it’s my fault. (That’s the manipulation talking.) Why doesn’t N*te leave? Because here’s a partner who would literally do anything to make him happy. Nando is constantly thinking of him, doing nice things for him, and trying to make his life better. In high school, who can walk away from that?

- The other huge part of this is the body image thing, and I want to talk about that because it’s important in a number of senses. N*te is really, really bad to Nando about the way he looks. Nando is big and sort of chunky, and he never has a problem with that about himself before N*te is in the picture. N*te is constantly making little comments to him, like do you really need to eat that? and are you sure that shirt fits you? and (this while Nando is trying to cuddle or something) stop, you’re too big to do that, get off me.

- Nando internalizes this. He starts to genuinely believe that there’s something wrong with his body, and he feels awful about himself for it. N*te completely witnesses this damage he’s doing to Nando’s self-esteem, and he does nothing about it; he feeds into it, if anything. Why? Because N*te is a body-shaming little fuck.

- In short— and I know this is getting long before I get to Quinn— N*te keeps Nando around because he’s fully aware that Nando would do anything to make him happy, and honestly, it’s convenient to have that in his life. Nando is sure that if there are ever problems in their relationship, they’re his fault, and he needs to just stop being too much to fix them.

- We all know what the fate of that relationship is once Nando gets to Samwell.

- Anyway, I went into that long digression because I wanted to more thoroughly explain the problems with that relationship, and the toll it takes on Nando’s general self esteem and self-perception. N*te makes him feel like shit, and he doesn’t let himself fully understand that until after they’ve finally broken up.

- So N*te is gone. But the lasting effects of having the only relationship he’s known be a super toxic one.... those are still there.

- Along comes Quinn.

- We know the Nando and Quinn courting story. They have a lovely little meet-cute, and then a reconnection after they’re both too gay and stupid to get each other’s numbers the first time around. After that, there are two or so weeks of spending time together before they actually become official.

- The becoming-official fic and the first kiss fic are the same fic. The bulk of it is in Quinn’s POV, and I did that for a reason. Quinn spends most of it trying to figure out why Sebastián hasn’t asked him out yet, and then he ends up being the one to do it, at the very end.

- Let it be known: this is not because Nando doesn’t want to ask him out. It’s because Nando has the lasting belief from his only previous relationship that he is too much, and that he’s too affectionate, too pushy, too forward— so he doesn’t want to become too much for Quinn. By being the one to ask him out, he thinks there’s a chance he might scare him away, or make it all too big too soon.

- He really likes Quinn, and his thought is that he does not want to mess this up by being his annoying self. So he wants to let Quinn do this at his own pace. Nando is also conscious that Quinn has never had a boyfriend before, so there’s that, too.

- Their first kiss is mostly a mutual thing. They’re both thinking it, and they both want it, and it happens.

- The beginning of their relationship is a lot of touch-and-go— Nando constantly asking if it’s okay if he does something (is it okay if I hold your hand? or *in public* can I kiss you here? or *while snuggling* am I crushing you?), and Quinn telling him, of course it’s okay, Sebastián.

- He also apologizes a lot. I’m sorry if I’m being too much. You would tell me, right? If I was? It’s okay if I am. I can be better. Quinn reassures him. He’s patient and caring, and he doesn’t want Sebastián to think for a second that he’s too much for him.

- As a result of Nando’s internalized low self-esteem, a lot of the milestones in the relationship happen at Quinn’s pace. Nando was the first one to say I love you with N*te, so he waits for Quinn to be ready to say it to him— even when he’s been thinking it. When they start to move toward more intimate stuff, he lets Quinn dictate how and when it develops. Quinn is okay with this because they’re still on the same page about everything, but he definitely notices it and understands why.

- So he’s constantly reminding him that it’s okay to be forward if he wants to be, that it’s okay to be really sweet and affectionate— because, as Quinn tells him all the time, he loves those things. The big emphasis on emotion and the super loving side of him is part of what makes Nando himself. And Quinn loves him for himself. He tells him this regularly.

- Basically: Quinn helps him un-learn the repression of his romantic self that he internalized during his relationship with N*te.

- And Quinn is fully aware that Nando second-guesses himself sometimes directly because of N*te. They have the “sharing past relationship experience” talk pretty early on, and Nando tells him the whole N*te story, and Quinn gets mad. Not at Nando, but at N*te for putting him through that. He hates that somebody hurt him like this, and from that point forward Quinn vows that he’ll help him see himself the way he sees him.

- Nando finds it really hard to believe, at first, that Quinn likes and actively wants this unfiltered version of himself. But it gets much easier as it goes along. He lets himself open back up, and he doesn’t feel like too much anymore. He’s enough for Quinn, and that’s all that matters to him. Quinn is extremely patient with the un-learning process, and he encourages him to treat him the way he wants to, without holding back.

- I have been on this for quite a long time, but there’s one more thing I would be remiss to leave out of this psychological dive, and that’s Quinn’s impact on his body image. I’ve said a few times that Quinn loves the way he looks, head to toe, and that is absolutely true always and forever.

- It’s actually probably one of my favorite parts of their relationship. Nando is really hesitant at the start, especially in intimate moments, about his body and whether Quinn even really wants to touch it or see it. Quinn wants to shut that fear down as effectively as he can.

- Because he loves it. He loves his height, and his broad shoulders, and his big strong arms, and especially he loves his stomach. It’s a free pillow, and also just, there’s so much of him for Quinn to love on. Quinn is tiny and he’s so very not tiny, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

- So that means a lot of Quinn vocalizing that while they’re alone together, plenty of you’re so beautiful and let me look at you and I wouldn’t change a thing about you. It’s very soft and very sweet, and Nando sometimes almost cries because of just how much he loves him and loves this and how much better this is than anything he knew before it. With Quinn, for the first time, he’s okay with the way he looks. He learns to love himself, actually.

- For example.

(Kind of early in their relationship, right around the time they’re crossing lines into slightly more intimate behavior, but they haven’t gone far yet at all.)

(They’re in Quinn’s room, making out, and Quinn puts his hand under his shirt. Nando kind of recoils a little.)

Quinn: Oh. Wait. (Sensing he crossed a line Nando isn’t ready for.) I’m sorry.

Nando: No— I’m sorry.

Quinn: What? (He takes his hand away.) Why are you sorry?

Nando: Because I just... I’m not, like, jacked under there, or anything.

Quinn: I... didn’t think you were?

Nando: Then why did you put your hand there?

Quinn: Because I like your stomach?

Nando: (He’s quiet for a second, and then,) You do? (Pause) It... doesn’t gross you out to touch it?

Quinn: My goodness, Sebastián, gross me out? Of course not. It’s just the opposite.

Nando: (In disbelief.) It is?

Quinn: Of course it is. (He inches his hand back under there.) Can I— is this okay?

Nando: It’s okay if you’re okay with it.

Quinn: I’m very okay with it. (He smiles.) C’mere. Let me show you.

(And he does.)

- Anyway. I know I’ve been going on for quite some time. But the biggest thing here is that where he’s second-guessed himself before, Quinn helps Nando learn to love himself.

- And he finally gets to be the loving, doting, overly emotional boyfriend he’s always wanted to be.

- Quinn is a big fan of that.

- I love them so much and I’m emotional. We love Nando actually getting to be in a healthy and loving relationship.

Thank you for the ask!

[nctzendreamz]

Little Things ⇒ (2) :: Mark Lee

The two of you still have to paint, right?

Pt.1 Pt.2 Pt.3

“This is so stressful.” You whine as you scroll through your phone intently; your empty hand covering the left side of your face. You were very much so frustrated, and as usual, Mark was silently watching you.

“What is?”

“It’s saying that we need to mix the blue with a more...solid color? To make it look more clean.”

“Then let’s do it.” His hand moves to motion towards the splattered newspapers on his wood flooring, set and ready to collect all the leftover mistakes and drippings.

“But it has to be perfect. I don’t want to mess this up.” You whisper gently, almost to yourself as you continue your search.

This wasn’t your usual attitude. The Y/N he knew couldn’t give a damn what a BuzzFeed article said about painting, or doing anything for that matter. This was a mere distraction, featuring you trying to do any and everything to take the attention off the clear elephant in the room.

How many times had he walked up to you today; each time involving him making the wrong touch, or uttering the wrong words? Not enough to make him not try again. This time, he takes gentle steps towards your horribly postured build, and locks your phone before you can even move away, throwing it onto his white sheets.

Usually, this was the part where you yell at him. You’d lightly punch his toned arm, once again, thanks to the age of twenty, and the two of you would fight over the device on his bed. Of course his feelings for you would make all of his hairs stand straight up, but even now as he looks back at it, he can’t sense your nervousness from those memories. Your giggle was prominent when he tickled you, and your smile was man-eating, but that wasn’t anything new.

Now, you simply stand in place. You take a deep breath, finally removing your gray jacket—his gray jacket, no longer chilly. The tension was too thick to be cold.

He knows you’re not going to say anything just yet. He can see all of your brain cells bouncing around your mind, trying to think of something clever to say. Something that’ll take the pressure off him.

“I think we’ll be fine just doing the blue. No solids, no extra. I don’t want it to be perfect just yet. I want this to be fun, and when it comes out looking like we painted it with nail polish, we can take so many pictures in front of it.” Mark chuckles, too amused about how much he sounds like you right now. Those combination of words were certainly Y/N approved; something you would’ve pointed out yesterday. Even this morning.

His breath was laying it thick on the side of your neck. You had no idea what he was thinking, but you can’t allow yourself to think about it because the wind from his lungs are causing you to sweat even more. You hated Mark so much, but you loved him even more. Even when he made you feel like this; a mess, unworthy. And you know he doesn’t do it on purpose. He was way too innocent to be such a heartbreaker. Someone who played with another’s feelings for the simple tingle for their tears and devotion. But it still hurts as he seemingly towers over you, your height not mattering because he always made you feel small.

“I’ll pour the paint in the bucket.” You mumble, taking a large stride to remove yourself from his un-tangible hold on you.

“I tried to talk to you about it the first time.” He whispers suddenly, but your heart doesn’t freeze. It doesn’t collapse into your stomach. You just want to explode. “I know.” Is all you can utter, rubbing the nervousness from your forehead repeatedly. It’s a horrible habit you formed as a young child. It’s old name used to be, “rubbing the headache away”. Now it had no name, as you didn’t want to give it anymore power.

“But I’m done pushing it under the rung.” His voice is waivering, and you don’t know why. You don’t understand how someone could be so oblivious to your uncomfort. Maybe he just doesn’t care, and can’t seem to notice the way your wrist hasn’t left your forehead. But then again, Mark knows you better than anyone. He knows that you want him to shut his mouth.

Zzz! Zzz! Zzz!

That’s the sound of your phone, just when Mark had once again inched closer to you. You tried to go around him, but he followed your movements wherever you tried to escape. He just needed the floor for a couple minutes. He didn’t like this. Why was this so hard? Two of the most stubborn people in the world did not deserve to be in such a predicament. And what made it worse, was that you usually weren’t so hard to open. You always were ready to tell him what was eating at you. He knows it’s different this time, but the confession had already been said. It was his turn now, but you were so convinced that his feelings were opposite of yours, your hands were metaphorically on your ears.

Why was he blaming you? God, he sounded so wishy washy right now. How could he blame you for believing his feelings weren’t the same? It was because he’s had so many damn chances to tell you, before and after he was aware that you loved him too, but he was too much of a pussy to say it. Even when you put yourself completely out there, he couldn’t fucking say it.

He has to force it out. He has to ignore his shaky hands, and even shaky feet from his legs completely losing control. “Y/N, I know you feel like this is awkward, and that you shouldn’t have told me.” He doesn’t know it, but this was horrible word choice. This was totally leading up to the, “but this doesn’t change our friendship conversation” but he didn’t notice. He was trying so hard as he takes your hand into his own, rubbing it softly as he always does when he doesn’t feel safe, or when he’s nervous as hell.

“But I need you to know that I—

The sound of his door being banged on interrupted all the confidence of his confession, no matter how poor it started.

“Who could that be?” He questions, his eyebrows almost crossing eachother because he truly doesn’t understand. Why was the universe messing with him? He was finally going to do it. He was going to take his happiness.

Your silence wasn’t abnormal, but at the same time, it’s eerie. You would’ve at least asked did he invite someone over and forget, but your eyes read almost too good to be true innocence. Maybe it’s because he knows you too well.

“I’ll get it if you want.” You move in a hurry to get the door, but his grip on your hand doesn’t remove itself.

The person behind the door knocks again, this time even louder. Mark runs to the door silently, looking through the peephole to see if he needs to tell you to hide in the bathroom or not, and get a sad attempt of a weapon out of his five kitchen utensils; all things he stole from the dorm. Also all butter-knives.

“Johnny?” He whispers to himself, even more confused now. But he still opens the door, because anything could be wrong, or hopefully really right for his older brother in spirit.

“Mark!” Johnny trails off like a frat boy. “What’s up dude!”

This talk—it was comedic and brings a smile to Mark’s face, but he still doesn’t understand. Johnny’s usual fashion isn’t sported today. He decided on sweat pants and a white shirt; socks and sandals being his shoe choice.

And Mark is so focused on speculating Johnny’s fit, that he can’t see the five other boys behind him, waited to be invited in. Jaehyun, Taeyong, Ten, Doyoung, and Jungwoo. All in similar outfits, food in one hand, and different brushes in the other.

“You told us you were painting today!” Jaehyun laughs, moving past Johnny and Mark to step into the warm abode. He clearly hadn’t felt the tension yet. Just the puzzledness from his younger group mate.

“And we had to join the fun.” Johnny adds. “Is anybody else here?”

And that’s when Mark realizes exactly how this happened. The minute you questioned him in the car, you weren’t actually scrolling through painting tips. That was a mere distraction while you waited for Johnny to text you back. He was your rescuer from him. Mark had allowed the pressure to get so high, that you actually called his bandmates to properly hide from him in the mixture of laughs.

“Hey guys.” Your voice yells throughout the house, a complete switch from the person he was just talking to before they came in. This was the Y/N he knew. Constantly happy, and not letting anything bother them. He wasn’t saying it was right, but it was you.

“Y/N!” They all yell in fake surprise, causing Mark to laugh a little too, even though he’s actually hurt. His hand goes to scratch his belly, and he realizes he needs to go in the kitchen to pull himself together.

All of this love between two people, and they still can’t figure it out—well, he can’t figure it out.

[godlymvmi]

rate each chelsea players seasons so far?

oh dear lord okay

- werner: 7.5/10. werner gets so much shit for no reason, he’s actually not had as bad of a start as rival fans love to preach on twitter/on here. even when he’s not scoring, 9 times out of 10 he’s THERE, he’s trying, hes pressing, he’s passing, he’s active. he’s so fucking fit as well, played the second most minutes for us so far and he’s bossing it. and i fully rate that, love him, we’re gonna see great things from him.

- havertz: 8/8.5/10. i cant give him a nine just yet i reckon. but bloody hell, he’s been so good. even when he makes errors, he’s tracking back to fix them, he’s intercepting, his fluidity on the ball is incredible to watch. at the same time, thats also the biggest probkem so far, he’s almost too graceful with it sometimes and he’s not the most bulky lad so he sometimes does struggle with the physical side of the prem, but that’ll come

- abraham: 8/10. he’s solidly impressed me. he’s come off the bench, now he’s starting, he’s seen his chance to show what he’s worth and he’s done it for me, he’s improved in every aspect we wanted him to. he looks so much more confident, hes still a bit clumsy with it sometimes but my god, he’s playing deeper, getting assists and goals, chefs kiss from me.

- ziyech: 9/10. and i refuse to say i’m jumping the gun. the mans passing is orgasmic to watch, his left foot makes me horny, like the man is such a fucking baller, i fully can’t believe we’ve bagged him. his corners as well, i could cry. the willian upgrade we needed, nothing more to be said, hes here and he’s perfect

- pulisic: 7/10. this is purely cos he’s now on injury again and he didn’t exactly hit the ground running right after he came back (which is to be expected) but he’s so so good. truly such a danger on that left side, i canr way for him to be back

- hudson odoi: 6.5/10. this is purely cos he’s barely played, but when he has he’s been a solid 7, he’s improved so much, he looks far more confident. he’s not perfect, he’s got a good way to go but he deserves so much better than to constantly be benched, he really should get more minutes for us and i hope it happens soon.

- giroud: 6/10. again, he’s barely played. i love him mate, i have so much love for oli and i think it’s unfair he’s being benched and coming on for a measly 10 minutes cos it’s not fair on him, whack him on with 30- 20 minutes to go. eden hazard said he’s the best target man in the world, he was one of the only reasons we made it to top four last season. deserves more

- kante: 6.5-7/10. irs hard to say, he’s not lived up to what we know he can do, he’s not been amazing and he’s had some matches where i’ve been begging for him to be subbed off, but lately it seems like we’ve found a way to go, i thought he looked so much better yesterday alongside kovacic, it’s too early to say but i don’t think he’s dusted just yet. i love him

- mount: 7.5/10. it’s hard with mason cos he’s had some absolute fucking nightmares but that’s down to poor management, no rest and being played on the wing. but look how much better he looks as a number 8, he’s a different player. i only want to see him as a number 8, i love to see it.

- jorginho: 6.5/10. i love jojo but he’s so wishy washy at times, but i truly love what he brings to the team. playing wise, sometimes i wonder what he’s thinking but generally i love him, every day i think about his “chin up” gesture to the younger lads and want to cry, he brings so much in so many ways. teaching silva english he needs to use on the pitch, telling lampard “i just want to win” when he was told werner was going to be out penalty taker. i could cry.

- barkely/rlc: didn’t play enough to rate but i hope rlc thrives on loan this season and i hope we recall barkely in january.

- chilwell: 9/10. insane. looks like he’s played for us for years mate, he doesn’t look like a signing we made this summer. absolutely insane. i hope he never leaves, he already seems to love this club and team so much, truly hope he’s our next ashley cole without rhe arsehole stuff <3

- james: 9/10. again, our fullbacks mate. reece has had at least one game i can think of where he wasn’t amazing but generally this man is everywhere, he’s attacking, he’s defending, he’s intercepting, he’s a stunner mate. his linkup with ziyech mate OOF. right back sorted forever

- silva: 9/10 and no i don’t care about that one mistake in his forst match, i don’t care. mans has changed our entire defensive look on the pitch. he’s made zouma a better player, he’s shouting directions at everyone, he’s just scored a goal for us, he already seems to love this club dearly. mate i hope he gets a contract extension, i fucjing love the man. so calm in the ball, for once i’m not pissing myself every time someone attacks. love him. love him.

- zouma: 8/10. underrated. but this man fucking works for us, every match. yeah, he’s had some nightmares and sometimes he very clearly panics whike in the ball, but he’s getting better every match imo and he’s learning from the best rught next to him. i love him, he’s always so happy as well, makes me smile. hope him and silva keep up this partnership

- christensen: 4/10 he’s just not good enough. i will die on the hill that there’s a good player inside of him, that there’s truly a good player there and sometimes we see it. but he’s not for the prem, watch him go somewhere else in europe and he’ll thrive. however, he’s my fourth choice cb, i trust him over rudiger any day.

- azpilicueta. 8/10 and ni i don’t care about your opinion. i miss him on the pitch, i cant even lie. i absolutely adore azpi. i truly love him so much and the work he does for this club, the heart and dedication he has for us. time and time again he’s saved us, i nearly sobbed at his celebration against ajax before they disallowed his goal. he’s so gracious and humble, made way for reece, and the man is still a good player. hope he stays forever and retires with us. and yes. he is a club legend.

- alonso: 3/10. man is abysmal. man is terrible. get him out of my club now. his attitude is horrid, he can’t do anything on the ball that chilwell can’t do better and truthfully, his time has come to leave. feel so uncertain anytime he plays, thank god he hasn’t in bare time

- tomori. 100/10. shut up. i love fikayo man. turning down a loan to west ham last minute to fight for his place, head down and attitude right. even now, franks said he’s part of the plans and i hope so cos i see a fucking class cb in him as long as he gets time, minutes and good coaching. i really see him as our third choice centre back, when we rest silva fikayo should be on the pitch. we’ve seen him and zouma link up before, we can see him again.

- emerson: 5/10. i don’t hate emerson, he’s just eh. he doesn’t do much for me, he doesn’t really stick out, he kind of blends in and is almost a bit invisible during most matches he’s played. he’s just eh. i don’t hate him but i certainly don’t want him starting every match ever and wouldn’t mind a new backup lb.

- rudiger: 3/10. i can respect this mans agent work to get havertz and werner to us but now it’s time to go rudi pal. i just don’t trust him on the ball ever, man terrifies me every time. he’s so shaky. i’m so glad we’ve not seen him pkay much recently, cos it baffles me that he’s being subbed on in the first place.

- kepa: 1/10. no. there’s nothing to say

- caba: 5/10. does the job, he’s not great and he’s deffo not my first choice but if mendy can’t start, he’s mt third choice.

- cech. pls play him frank. 1000000/10 <3

- mendy: 9/10. dont care about last night, he’s amazing. i wasn’t expecting him to come and perform the way he has but he’s been so so good. cant remember what it feels like to trust a goalie i just love himmmmmmm. such a good attitude and work rate as well

[avvidstarion]

For the album ask game... how about The Black Parade?

oh ABSOLUTELY. i LOVE you. this is all subject to change at the drop of the hat bc im wishy-washy and i love all of these songs anyway so

this got WAY too long so i am putting it under a readmore shhvkldlkdgjlkdsj

not including b-sides:

1. Teenagers- kind of a basic pick i know, BUT, in my defense, the song slaps. it’s such a fun song, especially when you’re singing it at the top of your lungs. the guitar part is super cool too- im trying to learn it rn but it’s a slow process bc im bad at guitar.

2. Mama- what can i say. it fucks. the old time-y feel, the harmonies/background vocals, the layers. the guitar goes so fucking hard. banging lyrics- “you should’ve raised a baby girl, i should have been a better son”??????? songs to be trans to.”but the shit that i’ve done with this fuck of a gun” is the kind of lyric that you can only properly convey if you’re screaming it at the top of your lungs. the whole ending is just. mind blowing

3. The End.- LISTEN!!!!!!!!! the end is WAY TOO FUCKING UNDERRATED!!!! oh my goddd i love it so much. i love it SO much. it’s such a perfect beginning to the song. the lyrics are great (”now come one, come all, to this tragic affair” if you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see, you can find out first hand what it’s like to be me”, “another contusion, my funeral jag. here’s my resignation, i’ll serve it in drag. you’ve got front row seats to the penitence ball, when i grow up, i want to be NOTHING AT ALL!!! SAVE ME!!! GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!! SAVE ME!!! TOO YOUNG TO DIE, AND MY DEAR!!! IF YOU CAN HEAR ME JUST WALK AWAY AND TAKE ME!!). the bit with the snapping and the ooooohs is fun too. such a good song, it could honestly be 1 or 2 but my ranking system isnt based in logic and makes no sense to even myself

4. House of Wolves- house of wolves was my favorite mcr song for a good chunk of time, but as a result i’m kinda burned out on it, which is why it isn’t higher.  however it is still number four  because it’s objectively a fucking amazing song. the guitar is so fuckin fun, the lyrics are great, and it’s just. fun to dance around and sing it at the top of your lungs. you better run like the devil cause they’re never gonna leave you alone!!!!! tell me i’m a bad, bad, bad, bad man!!!

5. Welcome to the Black Parade- the big man itself. the titular song. their biggest hit. a lot of people shit on wttbp for being popular and, like, pretty much the only song of theirs to ever be on the radio anymore (and even then it’s once in a blue moon), BUT. it got popular for a reason. it’s a really good song. i love the structure of it, i love how it builds and builds and builds. the lyrics are wonderfully done- “a world that sent you reelin from decimated dreams/ your misery and hate will kill us all”, the whole “do or die, you’ll never make me” stanza is The Ultimate rallying cry. and the “im just a man, i’m not a hero” is just. ughghghdlkslakdjglsdkg. the titular song of an album entirely about death and dying and misery being SO hopeful and SO upbeat really portrays the album as a whole much differently- mcr is known as The Emo Band because, yeah, their aesthetic is dark and their songs touch dark stuff but they have never been all whiney and boo-hoo-y and melancholic for the sake of melancholy. there’s always been a positive note to their music and a lot of people just don’t get that which makes me sad. anyway. wttbp is fun and i like it and i like the drums and the trumpets at the end. marching bands fuck

6. Blood- ok so the pattern here seems to be that i favor the fun songs over the slow ones, and blood sticks with that. much like with mama, i love the old time-y feel. i love that this is like a fun little bonus ditty to end the album on. the lyrics are silly and fun and jovial, and the piano is great. love it and it makes me happy

7. Disenchanted- OUGHH. OUUUUUGH. i know cancer is objectively the saddest song on the album, but disenchanted just hits different. “when the lights all went out, we watched our lives on the screen/ i hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene” just DECIMATES me, man. the acoustic guitar is a nice change of pace, and the vocal performance is just. so fucking emotional. especially the “woahhhhhhhh-ohs” at the end. great song, makes me Feel Emotions

8. The Sharpest Lives- ok so i know this is pretty much in the middle of the list, but i want to stress that i dont hate any of the songs on this album, so even the middle of the list is pretty fuckin good imo. the sharpest lives makes me go batshit.  the lyrics are so fucking wild. “a light to burn all the empires, so bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be” is SO fuckin sick like OH my god. what a line. also “there’s a place in the dark where the animals go/ you can take off your skin in the cannibal glow/ juliet loves the beat and the lust it commands/ drop the dagger and lather the blood on your hands, romeo” like WHAT?????????????? GERARD POPPED OFF W THIS ONE FOLKS!! also i love how at the beginning the whisper-y vocals bounce from ear to ear. also “so why don’t you blow me......a kiss before she goes” is fuckin hilarious. honestly this song should be higher but i havent gone through a phase where i’ve been obsessed w it yet so it stays down here for now. one day it will take hold and be all i can listen to for a month straight and THEN it will climb the ranks. 

9. Cancer- makes me cry like a liddol baby. my mom doesnt let it play in the car cause it makes her too sad. twenty one pilots covered it and it was FUCKING AWFUL so the song is kinda ruined now cause i can only think about their shitty cover. like the AUDACITY. but anyway besides that the song is heart wrenching and amazing. the hardest part of this is leavin you!!!!

10. Dead!- look, i know technically the end. and dead! are the same song/ are just continuations of each other but i’m listing them separately bc dead! is, to me, the worse of the two. not that it’s bad or anything, it just doesn’t pop off the same way the end. and all the songs before it on the list do. however i do love the guitar at the beginning and the solo, and the “one! two! one two three four! LA LA LA LAs” are super fucking fun. 

11. Famous Last Words- i used to hate this song!!!! i truly did!! it’s obvs not on the top of my list now or anything, but i have grown to appreciate it a lot more than i used to. like with wttbp, it is the silver lining of the album that betrays its optimistic side. it’s a happy final message to a dark album. the ending is fucking amazing. I am not afraid to keep on living!!!! i am not afraid to walk this world alone!!!!!!

12. Sleep- Sleep is, unfortunately, just kinda boring in comparison. i almost forgot to even put it on the list. however, i do like the “the hardest part’s the awful things that i’ve seen” and the “a drink, for the horrors that i’m in. for the good guys and the bad guys, for the monsters that i’ve been” lines. also the “three cheers for tyranny, unapologetic apathy!” line. but overall it’s just. eh

13. This is How I Disappear- i have. complicated feelings on tihid. on one hand, it reminds me of my favorite oc, re, and is on their playlist. on the other hand, i have grown bored with it over time. it just doesn’t stand out to me at all really. that being said, i do really like the “who walks among the famous living dead” and the “can you hear me cry out to you” stanzas. 

14. I Don’t Love You- while i dont think idly is a bad song at all, it just simply isnt my kind of song. i do think gerard’s vocals are extremely strong throughout, especially during the “when you go, would you have the guts to say/ i don’t love you like i loved you yesterday” line. like wow ok maam please continue. but overall i just dont vibe w breakup songs bc i cant relate

including b sides: 1. Heaven Help Us

2. Kill All Your Friends

3. Everything else

4. My  Way Home is Through You

my reasoning: 

heaven help us is tied for my favorite mcr song Of All Time. everything about this song is catnip for lil old me. the angsty christian imagery, the vocals, the guitar. all of it. the lyrics make me lose my mind, especially the “will you pray for me? or make a saint of me? and will you lay for me? or make a saint of- cause i’ll give you all the nails you need/cover me in gasoline/ wipe away those tears of blood again/ and the punchline to the joke is asking ‘SOMEONE SAVE US’” and the “you don’t know a thing about my sins/ or the misery begins/ you don’t know, so i’m burnin! I’m burnin!!!” parts. like i absolutely vibe with this song so fucking hard. i sing it constantly, it’s great to sing (very stimmy for me), it sounds beautiful. i am obsessed with it through and through

similarly, kill all your friends also speaks to my very soul. i can’t pick favorite lyrics bc id just have to copy and paste the whole song. i love the build-up, i love the time progression throughout the song (it’s been TEN FUCKING YEARS since i’ve been seein your faaaaaace rounnnnnd heeeere), i love the “you’ll never take me alives”. literally everything about this song makes me emo. it just Gets Me. it’s literally about my greatest fear. all my friends growing up and moving away and getting on with their lives without me, leaving me to rot in my hometown waiting for them to return. we only see each other at weddings and funerals, so it’s time to kill all your friends so we can party when the funeral ends!! it’s probably tied with heaven help us, but i’m putting it at number two just because it didn’t hook me as strongly as hhu did. it’s more of a strong, steady favorite than a “this song has latched on to my very soul and i have to listen to it on repeat over and over and over again”, if that makes sense. it’s still in my top 5 mcr songs though

i never vibed with my way home is through you. i don’t listen to it often, and i just don’t really feel it. it’s not bad, it’s just. eh.

anyway if you’ve read this far down i love you so much. thank you for listening to me ramble, mcr means a lot and i love to infodump about my music tastes. i really really appreciate being given an opportunity to do so <3

[biscuitreviews]

Biscuit Reviews Star Trek Discovery Season One (SPOILERS)

So I know I normally review games, but I figured I’d try out a different review, mostly because I have a lot to talk about with one of the new Star Trek series, Star Trek: Discovery. I recently subscribed to the CBS All Access streaming service and granted it was mostly for Picard, I figured I’d give Discovery a go in between episodes.

As for my history with Star Trek, it’s been around for pretty much my entire life. My dad is a huge fan. I remember that he used to have a huge VHS collection of TOS and TNG. My first introduction was actually through TNG and it holds a special place in my heart. I’ve also watched every series minus Enterprise (will soon be remedying that), watched every movie, was in the initial launch of Star Trek: Online and watched the fan series Star Trek Continues, where despite being “fanon”, has been regarded by Rod Rodenberry as the true continuation of TOS and has gone on record multiple times that his father, Gene Rodenberry, would consider the series canon. 

So yeah, I’d say Star Trek is a pretty big deal for me.

This review is going to cover the entirety of season 1 for Discovery. I won’t break down episode by episode as the season did have a continuing storyline throughout the entire season. I will go ahead and state that I’m not going to harp on the inconsistencies of Discovery’s technology. I know season 1 takes place 10 years before TOS. In fact, I gave it a pass because when it comes to long lasting sci-fi IPs, I feel that it’s an issue that has to be forgiven. How the 1960s audience viewed the future is vastly different than how we today view the future. So with that all of the technological inconsistencies, are just going to get a pass. As far as the subject of Lore such as well established events within Trek history, that will be taken on a case by case basis and I’ll be explaining those in my review as well.

Oh, and I will also be mentioning spoilers for season 1. A lot.

I walked into Discovery with an open mind, I was actually excited for the pitch on how it followed a first officer and would be more of a personal story. Discovery follows Michael Burnham (portrayed by Sonequa Martin-Green), first officer of the USS Shenzhou, a human who was raised by Vulcans. Immediately I loved this idea as Michael Burnham, which is traditionally a masculine name, is played by a woman and a person who identifies as a woman pushing another boundary that names are just names, they got no gender.

Even her backstory on how she got adopted by Vulcans was intriguing. Her home was attacked by Klingons which resulted in the death of her parents. This not only created depth but immediately establishes that Discovery is very much Michael’s story. Then came what is what I consider the biggest blunder to Michael and perhaps her greatest weakness. The Vulcan who adopted her was Sarek, Spock’s father. 

This is the first case of lore that I have a problem against. For one it’s never been mentioned that Spock had a sister, adopted or otherwise. Now you can argue that the idea of Spock having a sister is open to debate as Spock himself has teased that in the movies when he mentioned having a brother to Kirk. However, we never got any actual confirmation that it was the case. Also, we see that Sarek actually has somewhat of a close relationship with Michael which goes against Sarek’s character in that point of time in the Trek universe. Although Sarek is more open and accepting to emotions, he always still projected the outward appearance of Vulcan logic to his peers and his son. He was also always stand-offish towards Spock, yet despite that he did a lot for Spock and tried to teach him both his Vulcan and Human heritages. There’s also another issue with the Sarek/Michael relationship that I have that I will expand upon later in the review.

If you thought lore inconsistencies would be my major sticking point, my other major sticking point is the first two episodes of Discovery. These episodes cover the event that started the Federation/Klingon war in TOS, an event that would be known as The Battle of the Binary Stars. What’s my issue you might ask? This very episode actively contradicts a certain event, an event that Discovery itself established. That Michael’s home was attacked by Klingons. How does it contradict this? By having Captain Georgiou say in the same episode and to Michael that Klingons have had no known contact with the Federation for 100 years.

Now, we don’t know how old Michael herself is, but I’m assuming her tragic backstory happened 20+ years ago. Last I checked, Michael and her parents are considered Federation citizens. Having Klingons attack what is a Federation outpost, I would consider that a contact. So to have a character say that didn’t happen, when that very contact makes up Michael’s backstory was quite a head scratcher. You could argue that maybe the Federation is trying to cover that up, but if that’s the case, they’re doing a pretty terrible job by allowing one of their leading ambassadors to adopt a survivor of this attack and then accepting that survivor into Starfleet.

Aside from that bit of lazy writing, there’s also some really stupid character and narrative decisions that occured within the first two episodes. I feel that these two episodes were prisoners of the established lore so to keep in line with that, they tripped over themselves to make sure said event still happened.

You have Captain Georgiou not listening to Michael. Michael tells her how the Vulcans managed to open a dialogue with the Klingons. Despite Michael giving Captain Georgiou a proven working tactic, Gerogiou actively does the opposite thing saying, “no we can’t shoot at them, we have to talk, peace, Federation principles.” Yeah, but Federation principles are also figuring how to communicate with a species and seeing how Klingons respond with aggression and you have Michael who is citing how Vulcans established contact, nope, we gotta talk to them, not shoot them.

Now, there are a couple of sticking points that the first two episodes also show. For one, the Klingon redesign. Klingons have always had lore inconsistencies in terms of their design so I don’t see a reason to give Discovery grief on that so it gets a pass. The other point, Michael being labeled the first mutineer, with as controversial as that is among the Trek fans, I’m letting that one slide as well. I know TOS said that there has never been a mutiny on a Starfleet vessel. I know technically Spock was the first mutineer but even TOS itself has been weird about that detail. So, I feel that argument doesn’t really hold much water to count as a lore inconsistency if even the established canon likes to be wishy washy about the fact.

Anyways, it’s not until episode three that we finally get to the titular ship and meet its crew. We have Captain Gabriel Lorca, First Officer Saru, Lt. Staments, Chief Medical Officer Hugh Culber, and Cadet Tilly. There are some other regular crew members throughout the entirety of the series, but they have such little screen time that I’m not going to count them.

As far as supporting cast goes, Captain Lorca actually does an excellent job in helping establish that this Trek series is different than the usual fare. It’s more focused on war and he considers himself a Soldier more than he does an explorer. Saru, is by far the best new character introduced to this series. He’s a new race never before seen in the lore and the past he shares with Michael during the Battle of the Binary Stars creates good drama and tension in all these fronts. Staments is researching a new travel method that involves space mushrooms and his personality falls under the “cold and jerkish, but has a heart of gold” trope. He’s also the resident gay and how Discovery showed his relationship with Dr. Culber was so beautiful and amazing, that I really wish other series would take note. Then it had to do the typical “kill the gay” trope and it lost my respect.

Then there’s also… Ash Tyler. He is perhaps the most mishandled character in the entire Trek series. Honestly, he felt like someone that was just written to create problems for the sake of creating problems. I don’t mind showcasing PTSD and bringing awareness to it. But when you constantly throw the guy with PTSD at Klingons and even acknowledging it multiple times that’s not bringing awareness, that’s terrible writing and a blatant lack of understanding. Let’s not forget he’s also a result of Klingon torture, experimentation that caused his personality to be shared with a Klingon personality, brainwashing, and rape. When he recognizes something is wrong, he reaches out for help, but what does everyone do? They just keep bringing him on missions and then yell at him for fucking up. The crew keeps telling him he'll be fine, it will pass he has their support and then proceed to chastise him for not seeking help and having their back when he was having a mental episode.

The series also brought a classic TOS antagonist as well, Harry Mudd (portrayed by Rainn Wilson). I have to say if there was a way to bring a classic Trek character to help build the universe and show the relation between Discovery and TOS, having a minor antagonist from TOS was a great way to build that bridge. I’m talking about the episode where Harry Mudd attempts to steal the Discovery and he tries to do it in the most Trek way possible. Creating a timeloop with technology that is beyond our understanding, but alien enough and futuristic enough to have the audience intrigued about how the device itself works and the cast also trying to figure it out and finding a solution.

There’s also two other classic Trek trope episodes, first contact and saving an ambassador. First contact was amazing and further showcased Saru as a Starfleet officer. The saving an ambassador episode was a bit of a mess.

In the ambassador episode (which is episode 6) Sarek’s ship has been attacked by...Vulcan logic extremists. This is something that I’ll admit was a really tough pill to swallow, Vulcan logic extremists? I was against the idea at first but then I sat down and tried to think logically. I mean it’s not unheard of, as we do have Vulcans in the Maquis during the TNG and DS9 era. Having a Vulcan terrorist organization on Vulcan would make as much sense as there have been Vulcans in previous series that are in terrorist organizations. Then there’s also the Vulcans that followed and worked with Spock during his attempts to broker peace with the Romulans during the TNG era. They too were considered extremists, so much so that the Federation ordered Picard to get Spock for fear that he was defecting. So having a Vulcan logic extremist group actually isn’t as much of a leap as I initially thought.

However, it’s the event that followed the attack I have issues with. After the terrorist attack, Sarek reaches out to not Spock, but Michael. This is an issue because it’s been proven that although Sarek can be a bit callous, he will always reach out to Spock in times of trouble and need. I feel like Sarek reaching out to Michael, as he is possibly dying, is a bit of a slap to the complicated relationship showcased between Sarek/Spock throughout the years. “Sorry Spock, got to make way for your adopted sister that was messily written to have connections to us in an attempt to get the long time Trekkies to buy in the series.”

As mentioned previously, I want to make it super clear that I have no issues with Michael Burnham. I just wish that the writers treated her character with more respect to allow her to be her own character rather than have a sloppy connection to legacy characters. I feel that Michael would have stood out more if she were adopted by a Vulcan that was not Sarek, but rather some other Vulcan. I feel by having a different Vulcan adoptive parent, Michael could have had a lot more room to grow as a character. You want the connection to Spock still? Fine, make them childhood friends or something else other than adoptive brother/sister. Make them Starfleet Academy rivals, I felt anything would have been better than Sarek adopting Michael.

Then there’s the Mirror Universe, which I’ll admit the multiple episode arc that covered the Mirror Universe gave me a love/hate feelings. First, I do love that it continued and added on to the fan theory turned canon event of the USS Defiant being shifted to the Mirror Universe in the past. I love that it touched more on how a Prime Universe person, living in the Mirror Universe can take a toll on them as they do things against their morals to stay under cover. TOS only scratched the surface and with Discovery taking it further and actually having that impact Michael was truly a nice change of pace to other instances of Trek characters encountering the Mirror Universe.

But there were definitely weird moments. Again, continuing to put Ash Tyler in situations that trigger his PTSD or his dormant Klingon personality, Captain Lorca actually being from the Mirror Universe. Now I’ll admit I wasn’t a fan at first, but the way he left the Mirror Universe and returned was such a Trek way of going back and forth, I can’t help but actually admire it.

Of course we run into counterparts of other characters as well. For example, we find out that the Mirror Universe version of Captain Georgiou is actually the Emperor of the Terran Empire. It was such a beautiful build up and made so many changes to Michael and bringing the Emperor to the Prime Universe could and does lead to some great dilemmas. However, there is one very tiny thing that I feel negates all of that and something that plagued Discovery in its first two episodes. Being a prisoner to established canon. When Discovery makes their way back to the Prime Universe they are ordered to never reveal the discovery of the Mirror Universe to anyone, because you know, Kirk hadn’t found it yet. So how does Discovery explain this? The Klingons can’t know about alternate universes and that it’s possible to travel to them so they are ordered to never reveal the possibility of alternate universes.

Anyways the Federation is on the verge of losing the war and desperate means call for desperate measures, that being genocide. Now it’s the not first time the Federation has threatened to commit genocide, they’ve threatened to do that in the established canon a few times as well. TNG did it, DS9 did it, Voyager did it, and from what I can tell, Enterprise did it too. So being in the corner that they were in is not uncharacteristic of the Federation, especially with how desperate they were to turn the war around. It also establishes Emperor Georgiou as a recurring antagonist to appear in future episodes.

After turning the war around, the Federation and Klingons agree to end hostilities, the Klingons are united as one empire and glorious speeches all around then off to Discovery’s next mission: Escort Sarek to Vulcan and pick up its new Captain. However, during the journey, Discovery picks up a distress signal from none other than the U.S.S. Enterprise and ends with the classic ending theme from TOS, which I’ll admit really hit hard and brought many happy feelings.

Discovery does have a lot of potential. However, I feel the writers are trying too hard to keep within established lore. The attempts to also sell Michael as the sister of Spock holds her back so much that it weighs her down unnecessarily. A lot of issues I have with Discovery is with its writing. It has all the ingredients to be a great series, but it was greatly mishandled. I feel that if Discovery was either not a prequel series, or a prequel series that didn’t try to play coy with established events the first season would have been great. With as big as a universe there is to play with, they could have had the potential to truly explore new worlds and ideas and it wasn’t seized upon. Hell, despite a rough beginning, it had a great idea with introducing the theme of war it established in the beginning and how it affects someone on a personal level.

However, despite the good, it was mishandled in so many ways and did these new characters more of a disservice than anything.

Star Trek Discovery receives a 2 out of 5

[c-is-for-circinate]

Ten episodes into Critical Role (starting with the second season, and NO SPOILERS PLEASE), and okay yeah, I get why people like the show.

There’s a lot to talk about and I’m sure most of it’s been said before, but I’m just in love with how nuanced and contradictory these characters are.  And contradictory is exactly the right word, not just because of how they oppose each other (though goddamn that is fun), but how they oppose themselves, how every single character is this mess of characteristics that don’t match up on first glance, except they actually fit together to create such rich characters.

Like Fjord, okay, start with him--he’s not the leader because this group is too much of a disaster to have a leader, but he’s the most consistently calm, solid, reliable, and generally sensible person in the whole group.  Which is not usually how you’d expect your party’s half-orc to behave, but that’s fine, that’s just messing with race expectations, that’s easy.  What’s interesting about Fjord is that he’s so clearly the group’s token decent guy, the honest man.  He has an eldritch nightmare and actually tells the others about it, which nobody else in that fucking crew except maybe Jester would.  He’s a straightforward guy who seems like he was maybe actually normal once, again unique in this group, who also happens to be a warlock with very clearly eldritch powers he doesn’t understand.  And he has no problem whatsoever with using and expanding those powers, or with killing, or with stealing and conning and enjoying any ill-gotten gains the group may collect.  His objections to the team’s plans are almost always practical and logistical (the ‘this seems very complicated and also is likely to end in this very obvious disaster when this logical hole gives way under us’ sort), not moral.  It consistently feels like, if he hadn’t had whatever disaster shipwreck eldritch sea-beast warlock pact experience set him off on this path, he out of the whole group would be obeying laws and being generally decent to the people around him and working a simple, honest job with some hard labor involved, and he’d be happy with it--but he’s on this boat now and he’s in completely, and he’s just as forthright with that loyalty as he is with everything else.

And Jester is flighty and silly and fun and describes a childhood that horrifies the entire rest of the group in blithe, carefree tones, and I love it so much because it makes so much sense.  Sure, she was isolated, secluded, and hidden from the world for years--but it was important for her mom’s business, and her mom loved her, and it was normal, and it was fine.  Because that’s normal to her.  And she’s completely carefree about her childhood, just like she makes a carefree game out of slaughtering gnolls and being entirely willing to kill guards or other sentient people, with the same level of fun as she gets pulling minor pranks.  She would happily and generously give away pastries or money or healing to anyone, and then turn right around and fuck up their entire day just because it’s funny, and not even see a conflict there.  Except that every once in a while we get a glimpse of just how desperately lonely she’s been for so fucking long--and it only comes out when she’s talking to or about the Traveler.  It’s never when she’s talking about home, or the brothel, or the room when she was locked in, because those things were normal and fine.  What’s not fine is the idea that she might lose contact with the Traveler, or maybe her mother.  And of course that’s it.  Because everything that was normal and fine and happy and funny had to be okay, because it was life, and that’s just how it was, but the Traveler and maybe her mother were the things that made it all okay, and if she loses them, she loses everything.

And I haven’t even begun to figure out Nott yet, Nott who seems in many aspects like the most straightforward member of the whole crew--not in the Fjord way of directness and honesty, but in the easy, tropey, simple-to-classify way.  The goblin rogue who loves picking pockets and collecting shiny things, quick and sly and easily intimidated, with quick fingers and a bit of a background in alchemy, it all makes sense.  Nott makes sense.  Except that if you take a step back and look around at context, Nott makes no fucking sense at all.  I have no idea why she’s out here, adventuring with these losers, instead of back home with the other goblins.  We have seen zero other goblins out and around populated places so far.  Even her partnership with Caleb straddles the line between ‘oh, of course’--a couple of criminals who met in prison and helped each other escape and decided it was more practical to stick together? sure! makes sense for a goblin!--and ‘wait, what the fuck?’.  Why was Nott in any sort of prison that Caleb would ever be in to begin with?  If she was arrested by humans, why didn’t they just kill her outright, given the attitudes most humans we’ve seen seem to have to goblins?  She is so friendly and ready to hang with the rest of the group, is so delighted to play with Jester, she’s such a social creature, so how did she ever end up playing sidekick with this socially awkward human disaster to begin with?

And right, speaking of Caleb, the man is a goddamn mess, even putting aside all of his stubbornness and his mysteries and the actual literal mess of him.  He’s shy and awkward and anxious and scared around people, except for when he decides to very intensely threaten somebody with murder and disembowelment, just as a matter of course.  He’s anxious about everything, but he’s okay with monster-hunting.  And he’s fine with murder, so long as it isn’t done with fire, he’s one of the first to go in for robbing corpses, he straight up does not give a shit about the people he and Nott rob, he doesn’t trust or even particularly like the rest of the Nein, he doesn’t (appear to) care about other people at all--except that he would do anything for Nott, full stop.  And he has strong feelings about parents and kids and families, and he gave Jester the money he swiped from the spider lair because he got angry at her for being an apparent spoiled rich girl and wanted to apologize, and because it seemed important to her an he cared.  And all of these truths hang together around the central figure of this one guy with a fucked-up past he doesn’t have words for, who prefers books to people and doesn’t really know what he’s doing, in the world, in general, even at the fairly low level he thinks he does.

And of course Caleb keeps clashing with Beau, because Beau is simultaneously so self-invested and yet also somehow more interrogative of the whole world around her than anyone else in the group.  Beau wants to know all of Caleb’s secrets.  She wants to know everybody’s secrets, but she wants Caleb most of all, because he’s spent the most effort trying to keep them that way.  And she’s so curious about her party members, so curious about things going on in the world--she asks more questions about random shit than anyone, she’s currently spearheading both the investigation into the Gentleman and, with Fjord, the Zadash revolutionary’s club, because she wants to know.  Except Beau never gives off the impression of actually liking anybody or anything she discovers.  (Fjord trying to give her lessons on complimenting somebody without making it sound like a backhanded insult was amazing.)  She has ‘chip on my shoulder’ writ so large across her it might as well be in neon.  She is Out For Herself; she hates the system but she’s not going to go looking for ways to take it down, not when she can drink and fight shit to get cash that she can spend to drink with.  But she can’t stop asking questions.  She Doesn’t Care, but she can’t stop trying to learn more.  And right, the constant back and forth of ‘yes she cares’-’no she’s a self-interested bitch’ could feel wishy-washy, but instead it just feels right, because Beau is very young and very angry and very impulsive, and she is very bad at effectively caring for the things and people she cares about, and it is so clear that she’s been treated so badly and had so little power to fight back.  And now she’s got the power to fight back so she lashes out and she hits things and she’s constantly mean, and she chokes out the little girl she got arrested to protect two days earlier because nobody ever taught Beau how people actually take care of other people, did they.  She needs to know Caleb’s secrets because Caleb having stuff going on that he won’t talk about means that there are factors at play that can affect Beau’s life that she can’t control, can’t even know about.  All I know about her parents so far is that they had enough money to pay a temple to take her away when she caused too much trouble for them.  Which actually appears to say pretty much everything that needs to be said.

And fucking Mollymauk Tealeaf, the one goddamn spoiler I had for this show before I started it and I am simultaneously gutted over him from day one and grateful to be prepared because I do not think I would take losing him well as a surprise.  Molly is so fucking good.  He’s a good character, and he’s such a good person, except he would cheerfully deny it with a grin if anyone ever accused him of it.  He is such a tremendous cynic.  He has been all over and he believes that people in groups of any size are stupid, dangerous, probably corrupt, generally bigoted, probably lazy, and out for themselves at every turn.  No horror anyone does can surprise him, and yet he’s blithe and easy about it all.  Of course people are terrible, that’s just how people are, no sense getting depressed over it.  He’ll just slide his way in with a smile and a deck of tarot cards and a bit of flash and dazzle, use people’s vices against them, maybe run just a bit of a con if it looks to be profitable, and slide right back out again.  Except that by god, Molly cares every bit as much as Beau does and unlike her, he actually knows it.  He was ready to go to the mat for any- and everyone in that circus, called it a family and held on to it as hard as he possibly could even as everyone in it bickered and hated each other and were ready to jump town and leave each other behind.  He is so kind to people with less than he has.  And he’s never forceful about it, he never pushes his care forward, he just makes a few gentle comments to Jester about expectations and disappointment that might help ease the crushing blow he so clearly sees coming her way, without actually calling her out or starting an argument.  He just suggests to Nott that there exist people in the world that shouldn’t be robbed, not because they’ve no money worth stealing but because those people can’t afford to lose what little they have.  At some point he took it upon himself to be the person who keeps an eye on everyone else in the party, whether to try to defuse an argument or pick someone up when they’re down or corner them and take them to task, quietly, out of earshot of all the others.  It’s impossible not to get the sense that Molly is already more invested in this group working and staying together than anyone else here, and he takes that fact as a given, and he’s ready to put in the quiet background work to keep it in one piece.  He’s already brushed off or buried whatever mourning he did for the broken circus family he so clearly loved so well, and it should be a contradiction, but mostly it just feels like Molly is too used to being ready for things to go south and people to leave, because life is just shit like that and you take what you can get.  He treats love exactly the same way he treats money: a thing that’s hard to come by and well worth collecting if you possibly can, to be enjoyed and played with to the very fullest while you have it, because soon enough it’ll be gone again either way.

At any rate, I’m really enamoured of this show that has characters so nuanced by ten episodes in.  (Granted, ten episodes clocks close to 40 hours, but shhhh.  D&D time is different.)  I chalk a ton of it up to, ‘oh, shit, this is why voice actors are the perfect people to put on D&D as a massive serial fiction adventure’.  Every single person at the table makes a living out of putting nuance into characters with just their voice, so of course they know what they’re doing, and they’ve all played zillions of characters (their IMDB pages are so long, jfc) with plenty of nuance to begin with.  They know how to do this shit.

The other thing, I think, is that everybody at the table feels safe with the idea that they’ll have enough time to draw these characters out all the way to the end.  Everybody in this group has so many secrets, so many of the linking pieces that lay out and explain the layers and contradictions, and nobody is rushing to pull any of them out on the table right up at the start, because everybody there is totally secure in the idea that they’ll get 500-odd hours to tell this story and it doesn’t all have to happen yet.  Character death is always a risk, but the only healer isn’t going to up and move to another state, and nobody is going to get married and have no time any more, and the DM’s manager at work isn’t going to suddenly start assigning Thursday night shifts and all of the sudden scheduling is a disaster for so long it never gets fixed.  Nobody is going to decide they don’t care any more and just stop showing up.  They’ve been at this together a long, long time, and also they’re making an actual show about it that they actually get paid for, and they can take as long to tell the story, and make it whatever story, that they want.  It’s a really different kind of energy than any D&D game I ever managed to play, and even different from most shows that never know when the ‘cancel’ hammer might come down from the network.

It’s pretty cool.  I like it a lot.

[firebirdsdaughter]

…

… Convenient. That Aruto only asks the kid why they’re trying to destroy humanity. Convenient.

Imagine if you’d asked this from the start. Imagine if you’d asked the person who probably had an answer (unless he’d been programmed to just say ‘will of the Ark’).

Sorry, Aruto’s just kinda pissing me off.

‘I hope humanity and HumaGear can smile together’ he says, right before summarily destroying a child dropped into this w/ only what he was taught by his embittered and resentful father. Still, still all your speeches ring of ‘I only support HumaGear as long as they unquestionably support humanity.’

‘If only your learning weren’t steeped in violence’? Yeah. He’s like that bc humans fucked his father’s mind up, then killed him, and he’s caught holding the damn bag.

That ‘emotions convenient for humans’ thing is coming into my head again. I loved that tweet. I love that person’s comments. HumaGear and human peace should not be based on HumaGear only experiencing awareness in  a way that’s serving to humans. No human mind is constantly completely convenient for others. Justice should not be solely defined as how it benefits humans. If you’re giving them self awareness, HumaGear should not be treated as some rung on a ladder for humanity to climb. They should be treated as equals. And to me, Aruto has been rather wishy-washy on that. Izu, oh she’s my equal, she’s my family, these HumaGear, oh, they’re good, they have hearts, looking at them helping people, look nice they are. This HumaGear who has anger and rage and hatred? Emotions that humans and other sentient beings also have? And he’s acting on them? Screw all those speeches I gave about HumaGear learning from humans and having hearts, obviously this one is evil! There’s no way he could have learned this from experience and there is absolutely no possibility of ever getting through to him in any way. (I mean Horobi. Really, it’s like… You only support HumaGear self awareness that benefits humans. If one goes against that idea… Sorry, you’re evil and will now be destroyed. And I hate that Horobi’s really the only example of that bc yes, he’s done bad things, but… Augh.)

I’m hoping that w/ the new enemies being humans, someone (probably Horobi) will raise the point of ‘a HumaGear threatens a human, you immediately destroy them, but a human threatens a HumaGear [I’m guessing?] you let them go?’

This isn’t ‘Horobi is bad and he taught Jin to be bad.’ This is ‘humans did something horrible, made the Ark homicidal and drove Horobi over the edge and he raised Jin w/ that outlook.’ Again, it’s just like Isamu having a kid, and raising that kid to think HumaGear are evil.

I don’t want a ‘Jin is good now bc he’s remade from scratch and taught differently’ I want to see ‘self aware HumaGears have the same capacity for good and evil and change as humans do.’ I want to see Horobi learn how to change, to realise that not all humans are actually awful. I want to see Jin w/ his full memory learning more about the world. I want Jin to keep his remarkable status as a HumaGear who was made to exist rather than to serve humanity. Like, seriously, Aruto, do you have any idea the beauty you just destroyed? Jin was the only one of his kind. He was literally no different than any human child.

Imagine if, instead of saying ‘if only you had been raised different,’ Aruto had said something like ‘okay, but did he tell you why?’ had ascertained more about where Jin’s anger was stemming from. Maybe Jin reveals that Horobi was his father, that he loved him and was angry and humans for killing him. Aruto could have offered to help repair him, could have said, ‘let’s work through this together’… But no. No, all we get is ‘if only you had been different.’ No attempt to treat him as a thinking equal. No respect. Just ‘you were threatening humanity so I’m going to destroy you, even though you only learned it from your father who in turn came to that view bc of humans in the first place.’ Justice rooted so much in human benefit.

On the bright side… There is a possibility that this will get tossed in Aruto’s face later as more information comes to light. As he finally sees a properly singularity, maybe, and realises that a self aware HumaGear is not inherently good or evil, but has the capacity to learn and grow in both. That they change and develop just like humans. In the mean time, this ain’t gonna endear him to Horobi one jot, I suspect.

Makes me think of a line I wrote for a fic I mean to finish one day:

‘Do you think HumaGear who awaken will have good will towards humans?’

‘Do humans deserve our good will?’

[gg-astrology]

Is there any stereotypes about signs that you don't particularly believe in? Like, my dominant sign is sagittarius but everytime someone mentions anything about the sign, I don't think it describes my personality or anything. Love your blog and posts by the way!

Yeah!!  💓 Gosh I get what you mean. I’m glad you asked cause there’s– alot we don’t get to talk about?? And also thank u for liking the blog/posts ;;  💓 💓

Here’s a list of things about the signs that might cheer them up a bit (low-key: how to care/appreciate the signs around you): 

*Note: These are for when you need a little cheering up, some people might already be confident/assured in their own signs and that’s great!! But if you want to know how to help/care for other signs around you, this might be helpful for those who might need a little bit more ‘pick me up’ 💕

Aries - 

Are very laid back, contrary to the belief (i.e. ppl thinking that they’re hard to get along with/hard to please). Most Aries don’t think they’re the shit. 

Unless they have something they’ve worked super hard on (and see it as something they can help others with) they won’t bother with pointing out something you can’t change/they can’t change– but will try to help you as much as they can (like, trouble-shooting, planning it out, suggesting things you can do to help yourself depending on what you want/feel comfortable with doing). 

They try very very hard to be there for others, even when their efforts aren’t appreciated enough sometimes. People think fire signs are energetic and crass with people’s feelings  — they’re not, they do care.

Taurus - 

Most of the time despite being Venus-ruled they might not even think they’re particularly beautiful or charming. What they do know is that they gotta do the things they can do, the things they want/have to do and that’s what they’re focused on. 

They can get high-key sus about compliments, and unless you truly mean something (and they can see where you’re coming from) it’ll be hard-press to make the compliment stick/up their ego because of it. 

Funny people, but wants to be heard/given acknowledgement. Doesn’t want to be complimented on just ‘one-side’ of their personality (usually their more ‘harmonious’ side) but wants to be loved for all their sides (even if they haven’t shown it yet).   

Gemini - 

They aren’t air heads. They really aren’t. They can joke around about it with friends like ‘opps!’ just to make fun of themselves but internally they don’t work like that. They contemplate a lot, and works through problems alone. 

Even if some may talk about their problems to another person, they come to conclusions within themselves and that needs to be respected. Not questioned by others  (like ‘why are you so wishy washy? you said this to me and now you’re doing another??’) – despite being a Mercurial sign, they often understand the situation better (internally) than how they’re communicating it (out-loud). Thus, when they make up their mind about something— trust them that they can do it.

They also aren’t ‘two-faced’ or whatever people call it. They have an internal process that suffers if they don’t know how to work with it healthily/balance it well (internal/external). But ‘two-faced’ was never a part of their personality.

Cancer - 

Whoever says they’re crybabies have never met a Cancer in public. And whoever said ‘Cancers are Mothers’ never had a mum who’s a Cancer in the first place. 

Cancer can be strength through sufferings, they’re vulnerable and hard. Cancers aren’t your mothers, within their own self they have their own problems to shift through (thus why, being a Cancer doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be great mothers– they have to go through the same trials/experience as everyone else– and sometimes, because they’re so stubborn, it might even be the most challenging thing to a Cancer native)

You’d think they’ll be emotional since they’re a water sign but they’re not (**at least not constantly) Some Cancers are less emotional than fire-signs. Respect that, respect their strength and charisma. Don’t ‘type’ them into a box and tell them what they want/don’t want in their life– let them make those choices themselves.

Leo -

Aren’t ‘natural’ leaders, most don’t even volunteer for leadership positions until they’re filled with personal pettiness/dissatisfaction about something they have to make the changes  (like use a platform to vent out their rage about it).

Again, some aren’t even extroverted. But they do what they gotta do and people think ‘oh they must enjoy this!!’ and keep piling them up on something when they’d rather be asked – who they are, what they want, what they like/dislike and be listened to instead of assumed about.

Taking care of a Leo isn’t just about listening to them, it’s about letting them have their own space. Letting them rest, be alone, play some games. It’s having security of their own time/what they want to be doing with said time that makes them truly Leo. 

Virgos - 

They’re not very good at telling people they care ‘no’, which is why they’re so so careful to say all their ‘nos’ to others (they aren’t close to yet) beforehand. 

The thing about Virgos being clean-freak? Only applicable to a handful of people (and only within certain contexts only). Cleaning is still a chore. Especially if they have mental/emotional depression to go through and they know they’re procrastinating those (in which case, it becomes an escape mechanism instead). Don’t use them as your maids, and don’t rely on them to be available to solving your problems/being in your service 24 hours either. Because if they care about you, they’re going to have a hard time saying no even if it’s really really pushing their limits already.  

Virgos have a lot of internal emotional distress to go through as well, and if they don’t process those they’re going to be in bad shape later. Think they’re un-emotional/super smart? Think again. They struggle daily with their internal emotions and working hard enough to pass their own expectations of themselves. Do people even know how hard it is to be in emotional distress at a drop of a pin sometimes? Waking up in cold sweat/not being able to sleep because you remembered something embarrassing 10 years ago? 

Libra - 

Not all Libras are romantically inclined. In fact, why do we think people are romantically inclined at all? 

Native Libras don’t have to say yes to those who asks them out. It’s not going to be like ‘ohhh!! I’m going make this the perfect relationship!!’. No! who even has that kind of energy?! (especially when you have to consider the other person pulling their part, can they do it? will they even do it?) 

Even if they’re interested, there’s a bigger narrative to think about and Libras aren’t fools to that. All those things about Libra being the watery-air sign? Maybe we should consider that Libras are also much more analytical than we realize sometime in 2k19 as well. (And give them their independence credit they deserve ffs, they manage to swerve this many suitors for how long?)   

Scorpio - 

Isn’t anyone’s sexual demon. They aren’t there for other’s fantasy of ‘an active sex life’. Scorpio’s are so much more than their sexual parts and maybe um?? they’re their own person??

The thing about Scorpio being mysterious is gonna be used against them one day to sexualize/objectify them to other people’s benefit. Why don’t you get to know one? Why don’t we ask what the hell they’re thinking sometimes? (and trust, a Scorpio would probably appreciate being asked/called out for it and being able to tell/talk to someone rather than –y know, being misunderstood all the time. If the confrontation is genuine and the other really do want to get to know the Scorpio’s side of the story/not going to cut them down half-way through just to invalidate them.) 

Scorpio’s not the one who has a problem, it’s others who has a problem with them. Do we just not trust the Scorpios?? Why the hell not?? Literally one of the most (if not the most) loyal, forth-coming and devoted signs out there. Why do we have a problem with people who can be genuinely good for us?  

Sagittarius - 

NOT ALL SAGITTARIUS ARE BUBBLY AND EXTROVERTED. Let’s just make that clear. Especially in the native signs, you think these bitches trust their inner-selves to others so easily??

Being friends with one DEFINITELY implies being able to take their snark/sass/sense of humor. It’s literally their main form of communication and the only criteria so far (before they ask about your political alignment, and unless they have other elements that points to different things). Do ya’ll think Sagittarius are just– infinite energy and ~adventure~ all the time??

They need to rest. Which is something most people talk about. They gotta hermit themselves– sometimes even become reclusive for a while to just do their own thing (maybe outside, maybe inside– just not with people they know around them). No Sag is going to have 100% energy to be with friends all the time, not unless they got some pretty strong fire/air in them that points to that ish (while the sag side ‘recovers’). 

Capricorn - 

Stop it with the ‘ohh they’re so ambitious’ talk all the time. They have no fucking clue what they’re doing. Most of the time, they’re just doing Their Best in order to get something out of the situation ya no. 

Honestly one of those people who Does Their Best but don’t know what the fuck they’re supposed to do after. They get anxious pretty fast pretty often sometimes and they’re like those ‘:) im ok’ when internally they’re just dying in pit of ice-cold flames. 

Humour is their biggest joy/connector to people impersonally. And did you know that– Capricorn likes to be adorable/be adored for some reason?? (no it’s not just about admiration, it’s also about adoration) All those things you think Gemini/Sagittarius would be— it’s actually just Capricorn trait in disguise (until you get to know them). 

Aquarius - 

Not so detached as you THINK they are. Honestly they’re one of the most caring people who would push for you when you can’t push for yourself??Literally angels on this earth, because even when they’re going through some seriously tough shit/personal injustice they work through it and recover like it’s nothing. (It’s not, but to others– wow, it’s so admirable)

The amount of things they do for other people– Virgo/Pisces has nothing on Aquarius in terms of caring/actually making it happen. Do you not think your local Aquarius is fond of praise/adoration? Because they are. They like being shown that they’re appreciated too– so please don’t think they can survive on their own without an ounce of love from others.

Think they’re going to leave you high and dry because they’re so “different” (what the hell is “different” anyways– Aquarius don’t even think it’s anything amazingly special it’s just a trait/thing they want to explore/work on) ? They won’t. They’re loyal as hell and they want pets sometimes. Honestly? They’re more puppy-like than you think. And that’s just– absolutely adorable. Let them run around, go out to eat with them, listen to their stories/let them be playful, show them you care. Let them care for you back. Listen to them, they’re doing their best to help you when you’re helping yourself too. 

Pisces - 

Suffer? Yes. But also, so much more in common with Capricorn than they realize. 

They wanna be there for others, but if they’re saying something and it’s being swerved all the time then what the hell are they doing there for you?

Being there for others but not having people realize/appreciate them for that sucks. And do you seriously expect them to have expendable energy for that bullshit all the time? Mate, they barely have enough energy for themselves sometimes. 

Don’t dismiss how their minds work for something ‘whacky’ – honestly its fine the first few times but it’s gonna make them think they shouldn’t try to communicate themselves in certain ways afterwards.

So much stronger than they realize they are, they aren’t weak-bitches these people have the ability to run two (even three) laps around your one lap so don’t ever pull them down to make them ‘understandable’ to you (it’s only going to make them ‘box’ themselves in and not express themselves in front of people).

Believe in their strength, believe that they can overcome their most troublesome worries. They’re going to prove you wrong anyways. Scorpio being about self-transformation? Pisces taught themselves how to overcome their own weaknesses in the stone ages.

Ending Ment:

Honestly even when I wrote all these out I realize that some of them might only apply to certain placement/context. But to those who gained something from this, I hope you remain strong! 💕Teach others how to take care/appreciate you better 💕 Sometimes, other people just need guidance on how to approach certain signs 💕 So please don’t dismiss someone just because of their placements ok? 💕