#but now I’m just in bed watching selling sunset instead like a LOSER

[changguscomet]

my bf’s having a big party at his place today that I was really looking forward to but I’ve come down with the worst cold ever and now I can’t go 😔 I don’t even know what to do with myself now, I feel like I’m just going to be laying around being miserable cause I’m missing out

[aurilis]

hi i wanted to ask you if you could do a little fanfic like it would be if Carmen was promised to chase if you can i thank you very much🙂

Hi ! A short one is possible. As for the context, since it seems not realistic to me that Camen can be promised to anyone nowadays, I chose to do it in ancient times, more plausible. Hope you’ll like what I came up with.

Greece, ancient times.

In the streets of a city was running a little girl. Cladded in a white dress, a big smile on her face and her mid-long hair floating around her face, she was heading outside the city, to a meadow. Behind her, her nanny was running after her.

“ Please … lady Carmen … no so fast.” she breathed.

Carmen just laughed, replying that she should be faster. Carmen arrived in the meadow. She used to come here to play with her friends, some coming from another city. Here in Greece, cities were state ruled by monarchs. Carmen was the daughter of the current ruler : Dexter Sandiego.

“ Ah ! There they are !” exclaimed Carmen when spotting to silhouettes approaching.

Her nanny finally caught up with the child, just to see her running again.

“ They should stop … feeding her … on hares !” made the nanny.

Anyway, she could walk now. Carmen was greeting her friends, both coming from the neighbour city : a boy older than her, Chase, also prince and his cousin Julia. The kids began to play while the nanny met the fellow servants accompanying royalties now playing with Carmen. While keeping an eye on the children, they prepared a picnic. One hour later it was all ready to be eaten, and the servants called for the kids. They were fast to arrive, and welcomed the meal with larges smiles. They all rested a bit after that. They returned home when the sun was declining, promising to play again some other day when their lessons would let them sometime again.

Carmen went back satisfied of her day, wishing for more often moments like those. A peaceful day, a day of freedom. As a princess and future ruler, she had a lot to learn. Her days resembled like one of a minister : very busy, quite exhausting. She waited impatiently moments when she could play. Apart from that, life was peaceful, her city prospers. Carmen grew up like a mushroom.

She was still seeing her friends, their games changed as they were now teenagers : riding horses and racing, archery.

“ Hey ! You left before the signal Chase !” shouted Carmen.

She was on a beautiful dark horse.

“ Noooo you’re just too slow, surely because of those pounds you gained lately !” he teased, on his brown destrier

Carmen replied by a shocked sound, while Julia had a laugh.

“ Just you wait ! I’ll transform you into a pulp, not that it would change !”

She heeled her horse, beginning to catching up with him. But Chase didn’t say his last word and neither did his horse. They ran side by side, jesting with each other until the finish line where they spotted Julia outrunning them and winning. The losers grumbled. They let their horses resting and feeding, admiring the sky laid on the grass. Carmen breathed. She liked those moments so much. She glanced at her friends around her. Chase promised to be an attractive man later. He already was in fact … Julia would break some hearts too.

They parted at sunset too. While she was enjoying her day, Dexter was in a meeting with his counsellors. It was time to think about betrothing her. The young girl was in the process of becoming one of the most beautiful woman in Greece. Surely lots of men would want her hand. Better settle this before initiating any conflicts. So here they were, to choose a husband for her.

Carmen entered the palace in this instant. She asked her dear nanny about her father.

“ Well, he’s in the middle of a meeting right now, your highness.”

“Oh, alright I’ll see him later then.”

Carmen went to her mother she embraced. She spoke about her day of course. Helena was listening to her daughter with pleasure, around a drink.

“ Oh ?”

Carmen’s face brighten all of a sudden. She was talking about Chase, that prince from the neighbouring city. Helena stared at her daughter.

“ Well, well, well.”

Dexter arrived an instant later. He hugged Carmen, before asking how was her day. The princess joyfully answered.

“ I’m glad you have a wonderful day. Now, go to you room and change clothes for dinner will you.”

“Yes dad !”

They watched her running to her room.

“ So ? Did you find someone for her ?” asked the queen.

“ Yes.”

“ And when do you plan to discuss this with her ?”

Dexter gulped. Carmen was known to be found of freedom, not sure she’d like to learn about her betrothal.

“ We still have time for that. Starting tomorrow I’ll send an ambassador to request an audience with her promised one’s father.” announced Dexter.

Helena sighed. The sooner the better according to her, however her husband wanted to preserve their daughter’s happiness for now.

Time flowed again, while Dexter was arranging her wedding Carmen was getting closer to her friend Chase. Julia was fast to notice it and found great joy in teasing each other about that. They denied it strongly at first.

“ Come on Carmen, you should see yourself : both of you are turning ruby so deep that I’m thinking about opening a stand for barbecue, you would be the grill,  and sell it to passers-by.” made Julia.

“ Me ? N-n-n-no I’m not !” protested the princess.

Julia rolled eyes.

“ You two love each other. So please confess because your clumsiness is about to get on my nerves.”

“ You really think Chase loves me ?” asked Carmen shyly.

“ No, his blushing are simply a skin disease, and his smiles a way of ventilating his mouth !”

Carmen sniggered. The princesses parted. Carmen was thoughtful on her way home. It was true that the young man was often present in her mind lately. She waited even more impatiently to see him, and was sad more then before to part with him. The princess was musing on her possible feeling when a servant announced that her father requested her. Intrigued, she obeyed and went to him. Dexter welcomed her then invited her to sit? He said he had an important new for her. Carmen was 18, more than about time to get married. She startled hearing that. WHAT.

Dexter avoided looking at her while continuing : he starter negotiations two years ago and betrothed her. Carmen shivered. She trembled, not listening anymore. Betrothed … she was getting married. To someone she probably didn’t know, and certainly didn’t chose.

“ Carmen, are you okay ?” asked Dexter, finally noticing his daughter’s state.

Carmen didn’t respond. Instead, she stood up and ran away to her room. She was feeling nauseous. She paced in her room. All she could think bout was no. No it couldn’t be. She would never accept to marry a perfect stranger, someone she didn’t even have the slightest clue about, someone else than … She stopped. She had to do something. No way she’ll let that happen. She would chose her own destiny. Carmen closed her eyes. It would hurt her parents … but she had no other choice. The princess swiftly grabbed some clothes and money she stuffed in a bag. She stopped once again, breathless. It was a princess duty to marry someone that her parents would choose. But Carmen always figured that hers would let her have a word in it. That they would talk about it with her, trust her judgement.

Instead they didn’t. She felt betrayed in that instant. So she resumed her idea. Tying bed sheets and clothes together she made a rope. She descended by her window. Finding her horse she put tissue around his hoof to lessen sound and dragged outside. Once far enough, she ride it and ran away. Ran in the night, looking behind her. She was heading to the neighbouring city’s palace. As she was running there, someone else went in the opposite direction. She saw a familiar face. The princess stopped her horse.

“ Chase ?”

“ Carmen ?”

“ What are you doing here ?” they both asked, joining.

It appeared they were both coming to see each other. They were both promised to someone, and couldn’t accept it well … because their heart already belong to the other. They blushed again.

“ Then, let’s run away from here.” said Chase.

“ Right.”

The two of them galloped until their mount got exhausted. At dawn, they embarked in a boat to leave Greece and take refuge in Crete. They comforted each other during the trip.

Thanks to the money they both had, they could buy some land and hire three servants, with a house. They lived happily together like this for a few weeks. Lived free since a long time. Chase was thinking about proposing Carmen, and was looking for a jewel on the market. He chose a ring with a ruby. He went back home, when he noticed to familiar banner on the way. He gasped. Those were his family’s one along with Carmen’s one ! They found them ! He heeled in horse to hurry. They had to run away now. Chase barged in the house while Carmen was preparing the meal.

“ Our families ! They’re here !” he exclaimed.

Carmen went awfully pale. She pointer her finger behind Chase. Too late. They were already here. Carmen  grabbed Chase’s arm. No. It couldn’t end up like that, it just couldn’t ! She would never agree to be separated from him, forever. Chase tightened his jaw. Looked like fight was incoming. Well for Carmen he would fight a god. He spotted his father chamberlain, looking curiously jaded and not angry.

“ Seriously. Couldn’t you wait being married before running away ?” he said.

“ What ?” responded the lovers.

“ Your betrothal. Remember ?” he resumed looking at Carmen.

“ What ?”

The chamberlain lifted his head.

“ Your fathers decided to betrothed you both. Hadn’t you run away you’ll know it. We noticed your attachment to each other, and luckily you were good enough of a party to please the kings and queens. Well until you decided to stupidly flee. So can we now go back home and properly unite you ?”

Oh. Chase and Carmen looked at each other. Ooooooh the shaaaaame ! They leaned their head and agreed. They left their money to their servants for them continuing living. Back home, they didn’t dare to cross their parents’ look. The latter stopped worrying a bit when they learn they ran away together. The wedding was prepared, bride and groom eyes on the floor during most of it, ashamed by what they did. Their parents were amused in the end. More fear than harm, and they should be happy now.

“ My neck hurts from staring at the floor.” mumbled Chase, once they were alone.

“ Don’t mention it, I was looking for a hole to hide in or a bag to cover my face.” moaned Carmen.

“ Weird wedding ever.”

They lifted eyes. Little by little, they exchanged a smile. They were married. Back in home, reconciliated with their parents. Happy weird ending.

( not so short in the end.)

[walkinsauce]

Becoming Poly- Chapter 14: My Turn

Sorry I didn’t blog last week. Do you know how hard it is to write about polyamory under the same roof as your parents? I was scared one of them was going to pop in and ask,

“Christina, why do you need that bottle of wine in your room?”

“Paper weight.”

So, ya, I’m sure hundreds of self help books would call that an “excuse” for not writing, but trust me: it felt TOO CREEPY. You try to write about sex while your parents are in the next room watching My Three Sons. See how you feel.  I would, however, like to thank all my Tumblr readers for hitting the heart button on all my blogs. Quick shout outs to:

ilove-seductive-mature attractive-milf-girls hot-elder-chamber fat-milf-foxy-imgs bimbo-slutty-girlz fuck-sexy-fat-pussies fucking-amazing-fat-cunts jugs-nice-pictures

It’s good to know I’ve found my audience. Though I do wish you guys would put some capital letters in your names. You’re better than that.

I’ve calmed down from my boyfriend’s first “other sex” in our relationship. I’m pretty lucky that I have so many people reaching out to me, who are better versed in open relationships than I am. A particular comic friend in Florida always sums it up so well:

“Your primary is your home. These other people are the Disneylands and carnivals of the world. Fun day excursions, but you don’t want it every day.”

I think that’s my problem: Part of me would prefer to be the Disneyland. And good news for you, I’m way cheaper.

I still have a crush on the one guy I texted at O’Brien’s the day of my breakdown. I know he’s wary of the poly thing, and knowing my boyfriend, but I can’t help it. I’ve known him for years. I’ve had a crush on him for a year. I can’t help it if I’m a coward, and don’t know how to approach him. (Especially considering the circumstances.) Me sending him Snapchats that he’ll never open is enough of a rush for me.

It’s Friday night. I’m sitting at Ollo, as I often do during happy hour, wondering what I’m going to do when all the regulars go home at 8pm. It’s not a party city. We could use a Malibu’s Most Wanted reboot out here. But with the tiny bit of confidence I get from deep fried zucchini sticks and house wine, I decide to text my crush:

“Do you ever open Snapchat anymore, or am I sending things to an archive…?”

(With a smirky face emoji, obvi.)

He writes back minutes later.

“Hahahaha! I just watched the snaps! They made me laugh!”

It was at least a month’s worth of events, even capturing his own roommates. It must have been quite the montage.

“Thanks for sending them! I’m sorry I’m the worst. They were really funny. How long have you been sending them?”

Oh months. They’re my favorite seed I’ve ever planted.

“You might have just gotten something from me.”

I open Snapchat and see his name light up in full arrowed purple. I’m ridiculously excited for a girl my age. I’m starting to tune out the old man beside me bragging about how he gave Rosie O’Donnell her big break. That’s how you can tell I keep it real in this town- I’d much rather chase romance than my own career. (GOOD MOVE, EH?)

He writes again:

“I just finished a show in Hermosa Beach and I got to watch a lady heckle another comedian by saying, “we’re never going to be friends.”

Wow. The edginess of Hermosa Beach hecklers. What’s next? No tip? Shocking. I’m walking home, past people sleeping in their cars. At least my career is going better than theirs. But it’s a good reminder there’s no parking restrictions on PCH. Man, if any road needs some street cleaning…

It takes us another 18 texts to finally figure out we should meet up, but when he writes,

“I’d be down to meet up somewhere!”

I’m immediately wet. (It happens fast at my age.) He suggests the exact two bars in Santa Monica I was going to suggest. Power of the Leo and Sagittarius. (I probs just lost nine readers by referencing astrology.)

I get to Rick’s on Main Street slightly before him. I don’t have my real glasses on me, cuz I’ve been wearing my prescription sunglasses all day. Didn’t expect to be out past sunset, cuz that’s Malibu “night life.” So I’m going to be mildly blind all night. People always tell me,

“You should get laser eye surgery.”

Why the fuck would I do that? My glasses cover at least a dozen lines on my face. I’m thinking about getting a new pair, with thicker rims. I’m growing out bangs next. The date will be fine as long as I don’t send him into the kitchen when he asks where the bathroom is.

Now here’s the grey area…

Do I tell my bf right now that I’m going to meet this crush? I don’t know anything is going to happen. There’s a good chance we will just be two (ASTROLOGICAL PERFECT MATCHES) drinking buddies in a bar. Two comics, talking shop. Do we really need to set off the alarm before there’s a fire? As per my communication skills, I think def not. Like this blog, I will leave it till the last minute. (Typed at 3:13am, 4:45am after proofreading.)

I’m pretty sure I look like shit, but the good thing about somebody knowing me through comedy, is they always see me looking like shit. I’ve never been super comfortable looking “good” on stage. Maybe this comes from starting stand up 19 years ago, and always fearing women wouldn’t like me if I looked pretty. Most of the women in a comedy club are on dates, and I would literally get glares as they gripped their men. So early in my career, I started to wear hoodies on stage, and cover as much skin as possible. It was my passive aggressive way of saying,

“Don’t look at me. Listen to me.”

(Also, “I’m not here to steal your boyfriend. I’m here to make forty bucks.”)

This is another reason I love the rise of feminism: I pray it means the death of catty-ism. (An energy I sadly grew up with.)

So ya, back to the poly stuff: I’m on an impromptu date with my crush, my bf doesn’t really know, I look like shit, but can’t see that cuz I left my glasses at home. He walks in the bar and I’m almost in shock that we’re together. I think it’s been months since we’ve been in the same room together. And since when did I start going after things I want…?

I’m shockingly comfortable around him. That’s a plus about bonding with someone while you’re in a relationship. You don’t try as hard to sell yourself as when you’re single. You’re just you, and if they don’t like it, who cares? (I admire people who are like this all the time.)

He suggests we go to Chez Jay next. Ooooooooh, I love a new bar. Never been. So excited. Even more excited that he’s ditched his car, and will get it in the morning. I love a man who drinks responsibly. (Is this how I book a MADD commercial, or do I still need to have babies?)

Chez Jay is great. I like having bars like this on my radar. The conversation is going steady, tho I’m praying my primary and polyamory doesn’t come up. I just want to enjoy this night, as it is. The same way I did as a single person. I really don’t want to dive into the politics of it all. I think I’m more terrified that talking about it will scare him away…

When Chez Jay closes, he asks me if I wanna come over for some porch beers.

Yup. You know I do.

Again… is this the moment I text my bf and let him know I’m going over to a guy’s house? I mean technically, there’s a good chance nothing will happen. Seems too soon to ring the alarm. And if there’s one expression comedians know, it’s “too soon.”

He gets us an Uber/Lyft, whichever- most cars in town have both stickers. When we get to his house, I hit the bathroom. Every girl’s most investigative move in a dude’s house. Is his hand towel also his bath towel? Is this a one towel wonder situation? Does he own toilet paper? I don’t make it that far, because I’ve sprayed surprise period all over my undies. (If those Tumblr names didn’t scare you away, this surely will, eh?)

I search the cupboards for anything remotely handy in this moment. There’s nothing. Maybe I should hit the kitchen, and look for coffee filters. Those should work, right?

Nah, I’ll just do the ol’ “tie toilet paper around my underwear” move. It’s the move you do when you first get your period, in case you don’t know. (I FEEL SO YOUNG AGAIN! MAYBE I DON’T NEED BANGS!)

Porch beers are the best. I’m a fan of his roommates. We’re all having a great time, but then… 

Something more unexpected than my bloody kitty happens. This beautiful, young blonde chick walks up to the porch.

“Hey, I live across the street. All my friends went to sleep, so I thought I’d come introduce myself.”

Holy. Mother. Trucker. It’s 3:00am. This isn’t the moment I was expecting competition…

But here we are.

The guys grab her a beer. Now again, I am not into “catty-ism.” BUT- I am a share holder of “insecurity-ism.” And if I were any one of these guys on this porch, I would def hit on this chick instead of me. She’s legit extremely cool. There’s a part of me that wonders if this is fate’s little way of saying,

You’re not ready to pop your poly cherry yet.

I never rang the alarm. I can still get out of this… innocently?

Either way, I think she might be might be my personal savior (another word I spell wrong cuz I’m Canadian and think there’s a “u” in it.)

“Do you have a tampon?”

“Of course! Come on over!”

She takes me over to her apartment, and literally gives me all her pads cuz she doesn’t use them. Bonus. My favourite sleep aid. I fucking love this girl.

We head back over to the boys, and I know I’m drunk, bleeding and tired. I ask my crush if there’s a place I can crash. He escorts me to his roommate’s room, and tucks me in. (Don’t worry- the roommate wasn’t there. That would have been the real poly, eh?)

As I fall asleep, like a loser at a slumber party who goes to bed first, I can’t help but think,

“He’s a great guy. She’s a great girl. If they hook up, I’m fine with it.”

PRACTICE COMPERSION! Why is compersion so much easier when you’re not dating someone? I fall asleep/pass out- which ever you like to believe at this hour. In the morning, I wake up in a super funny comedian’s bed. Alone. I make the bed, as a sure fire way to say “a chick was here” and text my crush.

“Oh I wanna say bye, but I don’t know what room is yours.”

I can’t just knock on random doors… Plus he might not be alone. I def don’t want to interrupt kinky times with the pad donor. All of a sudden, one of the roommates pops out of his room. I ask him which room is _______’s and he shows me. In this moment, I know I’m risking becoming a piece of gossip my boyfriend might hear… 

And not through me…

I lightly knock on the door. When I hear a groggy “come in” I open the door.

There’s NO hot, cool, tampon savior chick in his bed. He’s just sleeping, post drinking style, alone.

“Oh, I just wanted to say goodbye…”

And then, without saying another word, I crawl into bed with him.