#but not today. on international women's day.
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Fable - After
Pairing: Azriel x Reader
Summary: Your wings were gone. The healing process would teach you much about yourself, but it would teach Azriel, too. Does it matter, in the end?
Word count: 7k
Warnings: Angst, injury, symptoms of depression (including difficulty eating)
a/n: This is part of a mini-series and the other parts can be found in the link below. Sorry this is literally so long lol. Debating on adding another chapter to the end because I obviously have a lot to say! Also, I won't be posting an update for about a week because I'll be traveling, so I hope this long chapter holds you over. Thank you :)
Series Masterlist (all parts ♡)
~~
You woke as the sun did. Yellow light made an imprint behind your eyelids and the grogginess that immediately followed let you know that this was not the first time you had been awake. Sleeping through the night had become a luxury not afforded to you.
You clenched the pillow at your cheek between your fingers and tried to pull at the loose threads of sleep that were escaping you.
Someone was in your room.
Someone was always in your room these days, but this morning, you knew it was Azriel. You could feel the whisps of his shadows making barely-there strokes along your back, and his scent was unmistakable. If it was Azriel today, they didn’t expect you to talk. When they wanted you to try and speak, they sent Cassian or Mor or even Feyre on the odd occasion.
They didn’t expect you to talk when it was Azriel.
You supposed everyone thought you were mad at him. Truthfully, part of you was mad at him. If he had just opened his eyes once over the last hundreds of years, he would have seen that you were right there—that you were more than a responsibility for him to look after. That you were a woman in love with him and he was a fool for taking so long to notice.
But another part of you felt that you couldn’t blame him. Azriel had never had much luck in the romance department, and you’d always chalked that up to self-sabotage. He seemed to go after women he knew he couldn’t have and only assumed late-night trysts with those he could, so you couldn’t expect much out of him. And how was he to know that you pined after him? It wasn’t as if you’d ever made any kind of move.
But Elain had so enamored him and you were so angry at that part. Because you had been there and he had never taken the leaps and bounds he had with her.
He had left you in that camp, so ready to believe your lie to appease her.
You were the biggest fool of all.
In actuality, neither of those parts mattered. There wasn’t some internal strife that fought against your sleep and made you question your feelings. You weren’t mad at Azriel. You weren’t mad at anyone or anything. You felt empty.
You gave up on sleep, breathing heavily through your nose and squinting your eyes into the sun that peaked through your curtains. Your back ached, and even more, the insurmountable pressure on your chest was amplified by the bandages that wrapped around from behind you. They made it difficult to breathe.
No infection had set in. It had been two and a half weeks since the incident, and Madja cleared you to begin moving around a few days ago and noted that you were “out of the woods, medically.” Everyone looked relieved as if that news had changed anything. To them, you supposed it did. You would live. That was good.
Azriel knew you were awake, you were sure of it. You heard his chair groan as if he were leaning forward in it, and his shadows had begun to traipse around your head, weaving in and out of your hair and blocking the light from your eyes.
He would try to get you to eat, look at you with those pitying eyes, and apologize when you could barely sit up and hold out a plate as if you were going to eat it. You hadn’t met his gaze since you woke up and there was more than just resentment behind that. There was shame—you were so ashamed of what you had become. What you had let happen.
Maybe that was another reason why you felt so empty. How could Azriel even look at you as anything other than broken? When you were whole—when you had your wings—there was an irrational part of you that considered you had a chance with the Shadowsinger if he would just see you.
There was nothing to see now.
“Are you awake?” Azriel asked, keeping his voice low in the quiet room. You nodded against the pillow, face still turned from his view. The chair groaned once again. “Are you hungry?”
No head shake. It was a frequent question that you hated being asked.
Azriel’s footsteps were soft against your carpet. He kneeled beside your bed and attempted to catch your fleeting gaze, but you found a spot on the floor and kept it there.
“Can you try?” he prompted. His textured fingers brushed the hair from your eyes. “Not even at the table. I’ll have the House bring you something here.”
You pressed your lips together and fought off the burning in your nose.
“Please, y/n. I know you’re angry with me—I know. But please, just try to eat something.”
Angry at him—anger wasn’t even in your repertoire at the moment. But he sounded so desperate, as did every other member of your family, and you didn’t want the let them down more than you already had. You shut your eyes and nodded, resigned.
You built up the strength to prop yourself up on your arms, but that’s where you stopped. Your center of gravity had been completely ripped from you. Anytime you moved without your wings, it felt like free-falling from a mountain. Madja had offered—several times since physically clearing you—to come and get you back on your feet, but the motivation wasn’t there.
You couldn’t imagine walking without the weight at your back.
And you had avoided every reflection known to man; seeing yourself would be too much.
“I have you,” Azriel encouraged, holding you at your waist as he twisted your body up. “Almost. There we go, angel” —he positioned you between pillows that hadn’t been on your bed before— “How’s that? Is it alright?”
Humiliation felt like a hot knife. You nodded and found a spot on the bed to focus on. You could feel Azriel’s lingering gaze and he hesitated before placing a bowl of broth on a small platter before you.
“Is that okay?”
You nodded again, biting the inside of your lip. Your back ached.
“Do you want me to leave?”
You nodded.
Azriel hesitated once more, rocking back on his heels before clearing his throat and letting the door softly shut behind him. The tears came then, and you were so tired of crying.
~~
Azriel’s POV
Outside of your room, Azriel’s forehead was pressed against the wood of your door. The intricate carvings imprinted his right palm as he kept it pressed there as well, and Azriel had to breathe through his nose to calm himself.
He was at a loss.
He didn’t blame you for not speaking to him, but you wouldn’t speak to anyone. You wouldn’t get out of bed unless it was Mor or Feyre lifting you for a bath and you wouldn’t leave your room at all. They had all expected this—planned for a long healing process—but you were so… lifeless.
Gods, he was helpless. You wouldn’t even look at him.
Azriel clenched his jaw and tried to listen for the clink of the spoon against the bowl when a hand on his back startled him. Because that was another thing—he’d been off his game since you got hurt, completely useless as a spy.
“How is she?” Cassian. Cassian was just as worried as Azriel, but Azriel was pretty sure you were looking him in the eye at least. “Get her to talk?”
“No,” Azriel breathed through a constricting throat. He turned to meet his brother’s face. He was sure Cassian still held some resentment towards him, but he’d apologized for his outburst when you arrived at the House. Apologized, but not entirely forgiven.
Cassian sighed and rubbed at his jaw. “Is she at least eating?”
“She agreed to eat. I left her with some soup. She wanted me to leave.”
“She say that?”
“I asked and she nodded.”
Cassian kissed his teeth and curled his wings in tighter. “Have you… talked to her?”
Azriel had to fight the urge to scoff, throwing his brother an incredulous look. “Obviously I talk to her, Cassian. I don’t stand in her room and motion at things.”
In response, Cassian did not fight the urge to roll his eyes. “I mean actually talk to her, Azriel. About what happened. You finding her. Her lying and you not being there. I know it was one of the only missions at the camps she’s been at without you there. That means something, no?”
“I don’t think she wants to talk to me at all—let alone rehash all of that.”
“Azriel,” Cassian started, stepping forward to place a hand on Azriel’s shoulder. “Give her a chance to push you away. Let her be the one to do it. If you play into this fear, it might confirm things for her, and you know her mind isn’t in a good place.”
Azriel winced. “I think you might be better to—”
“No, Az, you. Let her eat her breakfast, give her an hour or two, and then go back in there and talk to her. I’ve already been talking to her and she won’t say a word to me. I think you’re the only person who’s been too afraid to.”
Azriel sighed and then leaned his head back until it knocked against your door. In another life, you might’ve called out and asked who was there. But there was only silence.
Cassian sent Azriel a look with raised brows and patted his brother twice on the shoulder before backing into the hall. He had taken four steps towards the dining room before Azriel called, “What did you mean then, about me being blind?”
Cassian paused but didn’t turn. Azriel watched his head tilt to the side and a deep sigh escaped him.
“Shouldn’t have said that,” Cassian muttered. He started walking once more. “Just—think a little more.”
~~
Original POV
Breakfast was fine; you kept it down and that was the goal.
Following breakfast, you thumbed through the books Nesta had sent to you. The action was lackadaisical and without purpose. You weren’t going to read them.
You took breaks from staring at the wall to stare out the window instead, but that only sent waves of something heavy through your chest. The skies looked so open today, with only a few clouds and endless rays of sun. Maybe if it were raining, it wouldn’t hurt so much to look out the window.
You were being left alone far more than usual today.
Perhaps they had grown tired of being around a stubborn mute who refused to see the bright side of things, the “well, with your injuries it’s a miracle you’re still alive,” talks not entirely working on you. You were sure that was true, but you didn’t particularly care about the marvel it took to put you back together.
This miracle felt hollow.
As you were about to shut your eyes and drown the rest of the day in sleep, a small knock and the creak of your door stopped you. You snapped your gaze forward and quickly averted it when you recognized Azriel stepping in, his shadows preceding him and rushing you in circles.
You expected him to take up his post in the chair beside your bed with a simple greeting—as he had done every visit to your room in the past weeks—so when he stood at the door and spoke, confusion and anxiety filled you.
“Um, hello,” he began. You watched his hands fumble around each other before he cleared his throat and brought them behind his back. “I realize I haven’t given you a full opportunity to be angry with me. I’ve only offered pleasantries and… well, moved you around. I wanted to speak to you if that’s alright?”
You fixed your gaze on the wall behind him and twisted your lips to the side in the show of a grimace.
“You don’t have to say anything back—unless you’d like to. It would just—Can I just sit and talk?”
You had no idea why he was asking. Everyone else in the House sat in your room and talked your ear off, asking questions they wouldn’t get an answer to and telling you about the happenings in town. Azriel was the only one who stayed silent and, now, was the only one to ask permission to speak.
Still, you slowly nodded and shifted on the pillows.
“Does anything hurt?” he began, stepping forward with a hesitant hand reaching towards you. “I could fix—”
You shook your head. He sat in the chair.
There was a beat of silence—uncomfortable silence, which was odd because Azriel had always been the one you felt most comfortable being quiet around.
When he spoke, the torture in his voice had you finally whipping around to look at his face, but his gaze was downturned.
“This is my fault,” he said, strained and cracked as he clasped his hands tightly between his knees. “I know I’ve apologized to you since you woke up, but it’s never really been for that. You have to know how sorry I am, y/n. How much I wish I had just come with you. I always come with you.”
The muscle in his jaw jumped. “I—I don’t understand why you’d lie about Lucien going with you. Or Cassian, for that matter. I thought it was always obvious that I’d do anything for you—that you were more important to me than a date.”
Something twisted and pulled inside of you. You were getting the devotion you so desired from him, but it was cast behind a layer of something ugly. You were more important than a date—then why did it hurt as he spoke the words to you?
“I’m sorry that I ever made you feel otherwise. I’m sorry that you felt you had to lie for my benefit. But, y/n, I thought you were dead. I walked into that camp and I heard you scream, and I thought—I thought you were dead when I held you in my arms. There was so much blood and—”
Azriel’s words choked and stopped in the air. He pressed his hands in prayer over his mouth and when he looked up, he caught you in your stare. You sat paralyzed, wide-eyed, as he looked at you directly.
“Why did you lie?” he asked weakly. “I would have been there. And I’m sorry I believed you so easily, but we’ve always been honest with each other. You’ve always had me.”
Your chin trembled. You were tired of crying, but the irony of his words hit you with full force and your wings were gone. Your wings were gone and nothing would ever be the same again.
Your trembling jaw quickly morphed into the too-quick intake of breath that made your shoulders tremble as well. And then you were heaving in ugly sobs that hurt to let go of. You clutched at the blankets beneath you until your knuckles turned white.
Why did you lie?
Why did you—
“Hey, hey, I’m sorry,” Azriel hushed. He was on the bed now. You hadn’t heard the chair when he got up. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he whispered into your hair. He held you at your shoulders and pressed your face into his chest. This was the most anyone had touched you. Madja only healed with brief skims of her hands and everyone else moved you with panicked touches.
“Angel, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”
When you spoke—for the first time as this new person—your throat made the words unintelligible. Everything was scratchy and hoarse from misuse, but Azriel heard it. He gently pushed you back and found your eyes once more, his gaze wide and encouraging.
You tried again, and again, each time more coherent but also filled with the tears the Shadowsinger continued to wipe from your cheeks.
“I didn’t mean to lie,” finally ripped from your chest. “I only—only—” You hiccuped and Azriel’s face crumpled. “I just wanted you to be happy.”
Azriel’s eyes were already glassy, but when your voice finally rang in his ears, the tears fell. He pressed your face into his chest once more. This time, you brought your hands up to clench his shirt between your fingers. And, because you were already vulnerable and because this was the first time in weeks you no longer felt numb, you whispered out, “My wings are gone,” and Azriel held you tighter.
~~
You woke to speaking, a voice seeming to rattle in your head. You couldn’t remember falling asleep, only knowing it must have been a productive sleep because you did not feel weighed down. Your back throbbed, as it typically did after sleep, but there was no heaviness at your chest and you felt rested.
Another voice in the room sounded off, and you kept your eyes shut as you tried to piece together the words.
“—to walk. Important for her health—too much time—”
The voice rumbling your head then said, “She might not be ready. We shouldn’t push her.”
“She will never be ready, Azriel.” Rhysand, you deduced, the conversation in the room becoming more clear. “But, as Madja has said, if we don’t try to get her at least out of this room, she’ll be stuck in her head. Just try to get her to the balcony. Start with that.”
“Rhysand—”
“Don’t Rhysand me. It’s almost been three weeks. Her back is nearly healed. That’s not what we’re worried about now.”
“And what are we worried about?” Azriel bit back. You were on his chest. Hands were on your waist.
The room lulled into a tense pause, the echo of Azriel’s near growl punctuating the silence.
The door opened and closed, someone’s footfall departing.
“You’ve scared off our healer, Azriel,” Rhysand noted with a mock scold. Azriel let out a small scoff. “We are all worried about her, Az. I know it feels… maybe like it’s you against the world, but it’s not. We need to get her up and moving. Her headspace isn’t good.”
Azriel shifted you in his arms. “Fine.”
“And Madja needs to come back in to change her dressings.”
Your hair was moved behind your ear. “Fine.”
Rhysand let out a tortured sigh.
~~
Azriel’s POV
Azriel was going to try today.
He said that yesterday, but yesterday, you had let him coerce you into sitting by the window instead of in bed, and you had talked to him the entire time, so he forgot to bring it up.
A large part of Azriel was afraid of pushing you—afraid that you would close up again and refuse to look at him. But he knew Rhys and Madja and everyone else in this House was right. You needed to start making progress. You needed to be able to live some semblance of a normal life without your wings.
It was strange to see you without them. The pit in his chest grew each time you moved to accommodate them. You would shift in bed or reach around to reposition the fantom limb and realization would come before the dread. Sometimes that was it for the day, you wouldn’t speak anymore. Azriel would read to you when that happened.
You had started to talk to the rest of the circle, which Azriel was mostly glad for, but the smallest bout of protectiveness had somehow dug its way into his heart. When he would walk into your room to find you chatting with Cassian or listening to Rhys, Azriel would have to pause at the territorial feeling that temporarily consumed him. He figured it was only because you were still hurt. That would fade.
When he came in today, you were alone, and Azriel felt relieved. For a moment.
You were already awake and looked well-rested, which was detrimental to his plan of asking you while you were half asleep. You set your book down to stare up at him, and even the fact that you were reading was not lost on him.
You were making progress. This was part of progress.
“Good morning, y/n,” Azriel greeted, standing at the foot of your bed.
The action already made you nervous. You eyed the chair beside you and glanced back at him. “Hi, Az.”
Azriel’s lash fluttered at the sound of your voice, still so fresh after weeks of silence. You were meeker than you once sounded, unsure and small.
Azriel took in a breath before asking, “How’s today?”
“Today is good,” you replied, words slow.
Azriel spied the remaining badges peeking out from the top of your shirt. You needed this. “I think we should walk today.”
Silence consumed the room. Your lips parted as you stared at him, and Azriel immediately wanted to eat his words. Another beat of silence. And then another. He tried desperately not to shift weight between his feet lest he look antsy or unsure.
You blinked, twice, and then stared down at your fingers as they rested in your lap.
“I know it will be difficult,” Azriel tried, speaking low. “But I’ll be here. We don’t have to go far. A few steps, that’s all I’m asking.”
You pressed your thumbnail into your palm, brows furrowed. You hadn’t smiled, Azriel realized, not since before. Your tongue darted out to wet your lips before you spoke.
“Okay.”
“Okay?” Azriel asked, bending down to catch your gaze unsuccessfully.
You blinked back up at him. “Okay, I’ll try.” And then, in a much lower tone, as Azriel walked to your side, you grumbled, “Not as if I could get any lower than I am now.”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing,” you replied, reaching for his outstretched hands. “Doesn’t mean anything.”
Azriel decided to revisit that later. He wouldn’t pass up this opening you had provided, even though his heart ached at what you’d insinuated. He held your hands in his own and leaned forward as you shifted yourself to the side, your legs hanging off the edge of the bed.
Already, the disorientation on your face was difficult to stomach. You swayed backward with a pinched expression and your nostrils flared in frustration, but Azriel only held your hands firm and steady.
“Hey, it’s okay,” he comforted, allowing his thumb to brush your knuckle. “Anything hurt?”
You shook your head, your lips pressed in a tight line. Azriel forced himself into your field of vision and nodded, softly counting to three as your eyes darted quickly between both of his. As your legs straightened and Azriel’s hands held you up, you refused to break the connection. Azriel wouldn’t be the one to break it.
You were shaky on your feet and completely unbalanced, but you were standing, and that was all Azriel could ask for. He gripped your hands tighter as your breathing deepened, the struggle evident on your face.
“Feel okay?” Azriel asked.
“No,” you grimaced. “But keep going,” you breathed out.
“Okay, okay. Start with your right. I won’t let go of you.”
And you did as he asked, albeit with a small groan and a look up at the ceiling. You abandoned the frustration in favor of staring directly at your feet and white-knuckling the grip on Azriel’s hands as you swayed and brought your right foot forward. The moment you placed it down you wobbled on it and had to right yourself three times, causing one of Azriel’s hands to come around your waist.
You gritted your teeth but continued with your left foot with some encouragement from Azriel. He stepped back with each step you took forward, his hands glued to your body to correct the mistakes from your core. You made it six steps and Azriel was elated. He let out a small, breathy laugh.
“You’re incredible,” he deemed.
And it was so, so small, but the scoff-like laugh you offered was accompanied by a minuscule half-smile, and Azriel was over the moon. You looked up at him, a sarcastic upturn of your eyes lighting them up, and Azriel was struck then.
Mate.
Mate.
It was so obvious, so clear. There was never anything but this. But you.
You were meant to be his and he yours. Years of this pull to you, and he always thought it to be one of friendship. He’d always loved you, always, but he’d never humored the possibility of anything more. You’d seen him in his teen years. Gods, you’d seen him in his twenties when he was terribly full of himself without the credentials to be so.
And he’d seen you through the decades of your life as well.
But everything was so much clearer now. He’d always been protective of you, always been the first to follow you. That was part of why this had been so devastating—he’d let you down, left you alone. For another woman.
Azriel felt his stomach lurch and then something rotten was left in his mouth.
His mate—he’d let this happen to his mate.
And what had he said in the store that day? When you’d asked him what would happen if he’d found his mate?
He’d said it wouldn’t matter, that Elain was bigger than a mating bond.
Elain.
“Azriel?” Your worried tone snapped him back to the present. To the way your legs shook and your body swayed before him. He quickly scooped you up at your waist and held you close as he walked you back to the bed.
“That’s enough for today,” he said, tucking you back into the bed. His hands were shaking. “Does anything hurt?”
“Are you okay?” you asked, and when you looked at him with your wide eyes, he was so angry at himself.
Nothing made sense, but everything did.
“I’m alright,” he reassured, placing a hand on the top of your head. “We need to take that slow. Your muscles need to be rebuilt along with your balance.”
He needed to get out of this room. He needed to—
“I promise I’ll be able to do more tomorrow. You’ll… come back tomorrow, right?”
Something was screaming at him. His shadows. They twisted and struck his ears before coming down to rest gently at your shoulders.
“Of course I will.”
~~
Original POV
Azriel did not come back the following day, or the day after that.
Mor came on the first day, a smile plastered on her concerned face. She held her hands out as Azriel did and got you to walk ten steps before exhaustion made your legs shake. She sat beside your bed and went on and on about some shop in Velaris and you laid back and listened.
You loved Mor, but it became hard to swallow when she was the one to walk through your door that morning.
The next day, it was Cassian.
He grinned and boasted about being the best person on the job, rounding your bed and heaving you up by your hips until you were pressed against his front. Cassian took a different approach to you relearning how to walk, placing your feet on top of his to move as he did. He was joking at first, laughter fresh in his tone, but he got serious as your brow twisted and your body swayed.
“You got it,” he assured. He stepped back, his hands now just hovering over your hips as you balanced against him. “You’re doing great.”
You gripped the sleeves of his shirt. “I should know how to walk,” you said through gritted teeth. “I shouldn’t have stayed in bed so long.”
“You were healing. Resting. No one expected you to hop up and be fine, y/n.”
“I moped for too long. This wouldn’t be so hard if I had started earlier.”
“Hey—”
Frustration had accumulated, building since realizing that you really were only a fraction of yourself, and that was probably why Azriel hadn’t come back. You clenched your teeth once more and pushed from Cassian’s body, finding the ground beneath your feet and ignoring the protest from the Illyrian before you—the one with his wings so tightly pressed to his back that you almost could forget they were there. Almost.
But the action was short-lived. Cassian grappled for your waist as your body only allowed you two steps forward before you shot backward, an ache permeating down your spine as it tried to accommodate the movement.
“Cauldron, y/n, warn a guy,” Cassian scolded, stepping you back to sit on the bed. “Did you do this with everyone or am I just special?”
Frustration burned behind your eyes. You stayed silent as you scrubbed your hand down your face. You couldn’t even fling yourself back against the bed as you wanted, knowing that pain would radiate down your back if you did.
You couldn’t do anything. The extra time you’d spent with Azriel had created a false sense of… something you needed to let go of. He was pitying you—that was all. You were a broken creature, and he felt responsible.
“What was that about, huh?” Cassian asked, kneeling before you and looking up below a raised brow.
“I’m broken,” you admitted, resolute and small. “That’s why Azriel won’t come back, isn’t it? I can’t walk. I’m not how I was. I let this happen to me. I should know how to walk.”
Cassian’s tongue clicked as his head tilted to the side. “No, y/n, you’re not broken. You didn’t let anything happen to you. This is all—Gods, this is all a fucking mess. But the one thing you can know is that you aren’t broken. And Azriel—he’s dealing with something right now. He’s not avoiding you because you’re broken.”
You stared back at him, the empty feeling slowly creeping back into your chest. You bit the inside of your cheek and nodded when Cassian gave you an expectant look. You would act as if you believed him, and the following day, when Azriel stepped through your door, maybe it felt a bit easier to lie.
“Did you handle what you needed to?” you asked him, your hands cemented against his own as he guided you around your room. The words came out strained as your balance faltered.
Azriel took a moment before responding, “You could say that.”
“Was it Elain?” You hadn’t meant to ask the question, and the bitterness in your tone was new to even you, but it came out all the same. You avoided Azriel’s gaze as it snapped to your face.
“Some of it,” he admitted. His eyes burned into you. You stared at your feet as you stepped. “But only some.”
“How’s that working out for you?”
“Y/n.”
You stepped again. And again. It was easier each day, but that also spelled a more difficult future. The further you walked, the sooner you would have to come to terms with your wings being gone. Staying in bed helped you avoid that truth.
You ignored Azriel’s call and stepped again.
“Look at me. Please.”
You shifted your jaw to the side but glanced up through your lashes and gave in to his request. Azriel’s beseeching expression made you falter.
“I can never apologize fully for not being there that night. With Elain—“ Azriel paused, wincing. “I’ve been blind to what’s important. You tried to tell me. Everyone tried to tell me. I was so caught up in a chance at happiness. It was never about Elain.”
You had no reply. Your legs were shaking.
Azriel seemed to take a different approach. “I meant what I said before—that you’re incredible. You’ve pushed yourself so hard and we’re all proud of you.”
“Is that why you didn’t come back when you said you would?” you asked. The tinge of bitterness remained. “Because you’re proud of me?”
“I had to—y/n, there were things—“
“Just say you’ve been visiting out of pity, Azriel. That would make this easier.”
You gripped his hands harder as your wave of frustration made walking more difficult. You grunted slightly and Azriel took that as a sign to shift your weight from your feet, holding you to his body even as you struggled against him, even as you averted your gaze.
Gods, this was better when you kept your mouth shut.
“I do not pity you. Y/n—y/n. I don’t, do you hear me?”
“Why?” you stressed, pushing your hands against his chest in a futile escape attempt. “Why, Azriel? Too busy running after Elain to make room for it?”
“Don’t say that. I already told you—“
“Just let me go.”
“No.”
“Oh, so now you listen to me.”
“Y/n—“
“This was already humiliating, Azriel. And then you said you’d be back and you weren’t,” you accused. “You got weird when I finally started walking and I know you only came in here because Cassian told you about yesterday.”
“Yesterday?” he questioned.
You rolled your eyes. It was so much easier to be angry than hurt. “When I asked about you. I know he can’t keep a secret.”
Azriel only shook his head. “He hadn’t told me anything. I needed a few days because I’m the weak one. Me. I needed distance because I’m reminded, every time I see you, that I could have prevented this. Im selfish.
“And Elain,” he trailed off, hazel eyes flicking between yours. “I had to tell her that I’ve been a fool. I won’t be pursuing her anymore.”
Your brows furrowed. You gave up fighting against Azriel, but he kept both of your hands in a grip at his chest, his other arm locked at your lower back. This felt like a weight lifted from your chest, but it wasn’t that easy. None of this was easy.
“Why?”
Azriel paused.
Something flashed across his face, indecipherable to even you, but he covered it just as quickly.
“It wasn’t supposed to be her. I’ve always known that.”
More silence blanketed the room. Your earlier anger melted into a white-hot embarrassment that lingered in the pit of your stomach. You’d never been one quick to anger. Azriel hadn’t even blinked an eye.
“Can I help you back to your bed?”
You pressed your lips together.
“I want to read with you, if that’s alright?”
Your head turned down. You nodded.
~~
Azriel’s POV
Azriel couldn’t tell you.
He couldn’t.
It was clear that no bond lit up your chest as his did, and that made sense to Azriel. You’d been through a loss few could ever imagine. You were stuck in your head for most of the day, and then angry or numb for the rest of it. The only time you seemed to find reprieve was during conversation that had nothing to do with anything of meaning.
Azriel would take what he could get. So he read beside you and helped you walk and he didn’t tell you that a bond connected your souls.
How could he even broach the subject, anyway? When he had so openly pined after another woman?
This was not the time.
You needed to focus on yourself. He would focus on you and you would focus on yourself.
It had been about a month since you began walking again, and two since your injury. He counted each day. On the second week of the third month, Azriel saw you in the hallway. Feyre walked alongside you as you trailed your fingers on the wall, and while it gave the air of a casual stroll, he could see his High Lady’s hand hover behind you. While he took effortful breaths to calm his excitement, his shadows did not.
“Azriel, what terrible timing!” Feyre scolded, batting away the shadows as they stormed you. “I finally got her out here and you're going to knock her over with air.”
“I apologize,” he spoke, but he wasn’t sorry in the slightest. Despite your unsteady gait, you lit up as his shadows swirled around you, displacing your hair and clothes as you went. And then you laughed; a small sound, but one that Azriel felt in his chest.
“Call them back,” you giggled. Azriel’s face warmed along with his chest. “I’m going to collapse into this wall if you don’t.”
“Azriel,” Feyre called, and Azriel hadn’t noticed he was staring. He blinked and shook his head as if to clear it and tried to call his shadows back. And then tried again.
They were stuck to you.
“I really am trying,” he explained, taking a step closer. “They seem attached.”
“I can’t imagine why,” Feyre groaned. She shot the Shadowsinger a look and wrapped her arm around your shoulder, tugging you into her side. “Idiot bats.”
As the pair walked past him, his shadows still whispering along your arms, you hooked your chin over your shoulder, casting him a lingering gaze. It was odd to see your face with such clarity, no wings clouding his view. Even more odd was the uncomfortable way you walked; the leaning into Feyre’s side was more necessary than for the show.
The strangest thing, however, was the tug in his chest that left him breathless. Every time you looked at him, that thread in his chest tugged and yanked and begged him to get closer.
But this wasn’t the time.
Maybe it wouldn’t be the time for several decades.
Not after he let you down in such a way.
He would spend the rest of his life making up for that, even if you were none the wiser to the bond between you. He would protect you for the rest of your life, as he was meant to do from the beginning. That feeling, the urge, only swelled as you turned forward and continued your walk with your High Lady, Azriel still hearing the remnants of your laugh in the hall as you went.
A shadow broke away from your figure and lopped around his ear, reminding him that he actually did have a destination before he became so enraptured by you. It whispered to him hurriedly and Azriel had to break his gaze from your retreating back as he made his way to Rhysand’s study. Each step had him increasingly irritated; he should have been with you the day you decided to leave your room.
He bit back his vexation when he felt the tension in the room.
“Azriel. Good,” Rhysand greeted. The door swung shut. “Sit. We need to talk.”
“That doesn’t sound promising,” Azriel remarked, shifting his leathers as he took a wide seat on the chair across Rhysand’s desk.
From the couch beside him, Cassian let out a humorless chuckle. “I think you’ll find this quite promising, brother.”
“As long as it’s quick. I have other things to attend to today.”
Cassian sent a wry grin in Rhysand’s direction. “I told you he’d see her in the hall.” He turned back to Azriel. “Packed schedule today, Az?”
“You know better, Cassian,” Rhysand chided, the lightness in his tone betraying the scolding nature of his words.
“Is there an actual point to this discussion?” Azriel deadpanned.
“Bond feeling a little loose?”
Azriel threw him a dirty look. It hadn’t taken a genius to recognize the change in Azriel the day the bond snapped, his heightened aggression paired with the scent of you still lingering on his clothes had Cassian immediately clocking the Shadowsinger. He’d looked surprised—gaurded and surprised. Rhysand looked as if he’d been the one waiting for the bond to snap, and Azriel had sent him a myriad of questions.
Namely: Why the hell wouldn’t he tell him he thought you were his mate?
“Don’t taunt him, Cass.”
“Where’s the fun in that?”
“Are we getting to the point?” Azriel drawled. The desire to get back to you itched beneath his skin. Maybe you’d made it to the kitchen and he’d sit at the table beside you.
Rhysand sighed. He tapped his finger against a piece of parchment laid on the desk. “I have correspondence from the northeast camp. From the spies you have placed there.”
Azriel sat up in his chair. “Why wouldn’t they speak to me directly?”
“I had them turn all communication over to me. You’re too close to this and I wouldn’t have you acting rashly and putting yourself in unnecessary danger.”
“They are my spies—”
“I didn’t do it to undermine you, Azriel,” Rhysand interrupted, raising a hand in surrender. “You can’t tell me that if you got word her attackers were found you wouldn’t immediately rush into that camp without a plan or even a weapon.”
Azriel breathed hard from his nose and clenched the wooden chair arms between scarred fingers.
In the silence, Rhysand continued. “I wouldn’t expect anything less, brother. But you understand why that was a risk I couldn’t take.”
“What did the correspondence say?” Azriel gritted out, his mood depleted of the lightness you had brought.
Rhysand eyed Cassian on the other side of the room before fixing his gaze on his Spymaster. “The escaped attackers have been identified. They aren’t contained, and no one even knows where they are, but we know who they are.”
Fiery rage met Azriel’s soured mood.
If only he knew of the terrors that would continue to fall.
#azriel x reader#azriel x you#azriel x female!reader#azriel x y/n#azriel acotar#azriel shadowsinger#azriel spymaster#azriel fanfic#azriel angst#azriel#acotar#acotar fanfiction#acotar x reader
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
“Silence. Not shocked.”
SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT DUMBASS. They expect women to do everything for them. They could organize an event, spread awareness about their issues, shout out great men in history, etc. But no. All I saw for the “International Men’s Day” hashtag was them complaining about women and MiSaNdRy. Calling out toxic masculinity would be a great thing to do on a day like that but most of them consider that “woke” so 🙄
Do men treat women with respect and see them as fellow human beings? History has shown that the answer is no (and men today continue to prove that right), so until that happens I don’t give a fuck about any International Men’s Day. Same reason I’m not going to celebrate an “International White People Day” or “International Straight Day.”
3K notes
·
View notes
Text
Today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.
Since October 7th, 310 Israeli civilian women, including 21 girls under the age of 18, were murdered.
55 female soldiers & police officers were killed.
10 living Israeli women are still held hostage in Gaza.
3 bodies of Israeli women are still held there.
We can’t stop telling their stories.
59 notes
·
View notes
Text
@un-women STOP BEING A HYPOCRITE CHALLENGE
post about israeli women in this conflict, most importantly the female israeli hostages, who are being held in captivity for the 416th day today, reported to being sexually and physically abused, starved and held in narrow tunnels underground. either that, or stop hijacking international feminism or claiming for some sort of moral superiority. neutral my ass.
46 notes
·
View notes
Text
On 26th November 1917 Elsie Inglis, the Scottish doctor, nursing pioneer and suffragette, died.
Every Scot out there should read this with pride, Elsie Inglis and the other Scottish doctors and nurses faced prejudice and the horrors of war, but they did not flinch in what they saw as their duty.
Born in India in 1864, she was the daughter of John Inglis, a chief commissioner in the Indian civil service. She studied medicine at Dr Sophia Jex-Blake’s newly opened Edinburgh School of Medicine for Women and was one of the first women in Scotland to finish higher education, although she was not allowed to graduate. She went on to complete her training under Sir William Macewen at the Glasgow Royal Infirmary.
On the outbreak of WWI Elsie approached the War Office with the idea of either women-doctors co-operating with the Royal Army Medical Corps, or women's medical units being allowed to serve on the Western Front. The authorities were less than helpful and it is reported that an official said to her "My good lady, go home and sit still".
Despite attempts to repress her efforts—and those of many other women—to contribute, Elsie did not “sit still”. Instead, she persevered, setting up the Scottish women’s hospitals, which were all-female units that played a vital role with Britain’s allies, including the French, the Belgians and, particularly, the Serbs.
Elsie was 50 when war broke out and she defied British Government advice by setting up field hospitals close to the frontlines. She travelled to France within three months of the outbreak of war, and the all female staffed, Abbaye de Royaumont hospital, containing some 200 beds, was in place by the end of 1914. That was followed by a second hospital, at Villers Cotterets, in 1917. Tens of thousands were helped by the hospitals she set up in France, Serbia, Ukraine and Romania, acting with the support of the French and Serbian Governments.
Prior to that, Elsie was a strong advocate of women’s rights and a leading member of the suffragette movement in Scotland, playing a notable role in the establishment of the Scottish women’s suffrage federation in 1906. She fought energetically against prejudice and for the social and political emancipation of women, and had already made a huge impact in Edinburgh by working in some of the poorest parts of the city with women and babies who were in desperate need of help. Selflessly, she often waived the fees of patients who could not afford to pay.
Politically, Elsie was a staunch campaigner for votes for women, and her involvement in the suffragette movement prompted her to raise money to send out to female doctors, nurses, orderlies and drivers on the frontline. She recorded many great achievements, including setting up 14 hospitals during the war—staffed by 1,500 Scottish women, all volunteers. Most notably, Elsie raised the equivalent of £53 million in today’s money to fund greatly needed medical care for those on the frontline. Her efforts reached across the waters on another level, attracting volunteers from New Zealand, Australia and Canada. As I am sure everyone would agree, that showed fierce independence and capability from women who were well ahead of their time.
By 1917 Inglis knew she had cancer, and by the end of September was unable to work as a surgeon she sent a telegraph home saying, ‘Everything satisfactory and all well except me.’ Inglis and her unit landed in Newcastle and the following day, 26 November 1917, in the presence of her sisters, Inglis died.
In Edinburgh the response was huge and the streets were lined with people as her body was returned to the city. While there was no Victoria Cross for her at home, in Serbia she was the only woman to receive the Order of the White Eagle and is remembered by the nation every year in a ceremony at the memorial fountain built in her honour.
Before her body was interned in Dean Cemetery, Inglis’s body lay in state in St Giles’ Cathedral. The SWH continued its work for the duration of the war, sending out more units and raising money for the work. Remaining funds were used to establish the Elsie Inglis Memorial Maternity Hospital in Edinburgh in July 1925.
Pics are of Elsie, the "Hospice" on the Royal Mile, not a hospice in today's sense of the word, it was a maternity hospital set up in 1904 run exclusively by women, The Elsie Inglis Maternity hospital at Abbey Hill replaced this in 1925, the third pic is an engraving at Walker Street Edinburgh, where she had a surgery.
There has been talk of erecting a statue of Elsie, in my opinion she certainly deserves, there are too few statues honouring strong women like her, you can find details on the link below.
20 notes
·
View notes
Text
Their Fight Is Our Fight….
Today on International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, we will continue to fight for a world where every woman is safe—including those who suffered on October 7th.
Reposted from IDF-Israel Defence Forces /Security Forces
#israelisunderattack#pray for israel#stand with israel#swords of iron#war crimes are being committed#hamas is isis#bring them home now#babies are being butchered#hamas massacre#never again#idf#israeli defence forces#international day for the elimination of violence against women
23 notes
·
View notes
Photo
“Self-Portrait, Aged 23, on International Women’s Day” - a 9x12″ charcoal drawing done 3/08/2023
#soon i'll be 24#but not today. on international women's day.#i practiced#my drawing#2023#portrait#self portrait#visual art#charcoal#charcoal drawing#vine charcoal#willow charcoal#i'm not super proud of it but it's not my worst attempt at a self portrait by far#it's my first i've done in awhile#my last one was... let's just say it left some to be desired#it was a small part of my figure drawing final project and not the best of them#and i spent hours and hours and hours on that drawing. whereas this was about two. and i took breaks. so for the effort i spent#im not dissatisfied w it
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
cheers to all who celebrate
615 notes
·
View notes
Text
💜 happy intl women’s day to queer women, trans women, black women, indigenous women, asian women, latin women, jewish women, muslim women, women of mixed faiths, non religious women, fat women, underweight women & women struggling with body image, women struggling with addiction, women that have a complicated relationship with gender and the word ‘woman’, gender nonconforming women, women that use pronouns other than she/her, women that are unhoused or displaced, women that self ship, women that draw, women that write, women that create, and women that struggle to find their creative outlet.
happy intl women’s day to women in palestine, in sudan, in yemen, in the congo, and everywhere else in the world.
happy intl womens days to all women.
#international women's day#haven’t seen a post like this today and i’m sure there’s one floating out there somewhere but wanted to make my own :x#i’ve undoubtedly missed something but my point still stands#i love you women!!!#edited to add some i’m embarrassed about forgetting#kiki speaky
301 notes
·
View notes
Photo
A very happy intergalactic Women’s Day to all of us ladies that are simply out of this world!
I just realized that I never got to finish that Leia artwork and it’s time I went back to it!
Happy Wednesday! 💗🎀
Find me here: Instagram | Website & Portfolio
#international women's day#today and every day#women in art#nathsketch#artists on tumblr#paper art#digital art#my art#star wars#our day
300 notes
·
View notes
Photo
Lisa...
312 notes
·
View notes
Text
Did you ever just like...
Lenny saw Midge's speech that night and not only empathize with deep topics she talked about, but also fully understood how much he hurt her with rejection of help and empathy. How much she hates that it always either a woman or a comic, either sincere care or acknowledgment by the world. How he of all people, should understand her desire to be more than a gimmick. More than one thing.
And then in Blue Room, he finally have guts to act on his feelings, because she more important than his pride, his desperate clutching to fullness of life, his cool careless rascal persona. More important than all unspoken rules they had before to keep the safe distance. She is more important than God aka anything that usually helps you and grounds you. Cause at this moment their connection is what grounds him, calms his demons and makes him feel like a man, not a gimmick.
And then we have Fleabag and The Priest.
Yeah. For The Priest it's God. Cause sleeping with her not make him calm or grounded or humbled. It strips him down to all messy things inside, all little intrusive thoughts, all the worst instincts. All ugly and raw and full of hunger for life.
But it's not what he wants for himself, it's not what's best for him and what can make him happy in a long run. God is more important than a woman.
Lenny looked at Midge and saw the world full of wonders in a single moment in time. The Priest looked at Fleabag and saw that everything will pass.
#anyways today is the international women's day so i thought about 'are women more important than god' quote#but my brain automatically added 'it's god isn't it?“#so i guess...#happy international women's day#may we always be more important than god unless it's hot priest#he can have that#midgelenny#midge x lenny#marvelous mrs. maisel#fleabag#fleabag x the priest
49 notes
·
View notes
Text
Favorite Female Characters (3/∞) - Catelyn Tully Stark [A Song of Ice and Fire]
"I want to weep. I want to be comforted. I'm so tired of being strong. I want to be foolish and frightened for once. Just for a small while, that's all ... a day ... an hour."
#a song of ice and fire#asoiaf#game of thrones#asoiafedit#gotedit#catelyn stark#catelyn tully#michelle fairley#asoiafgif#gotgif#tvedit#tvgifs#cw blood#my gifs#endless list of my favorite female characters#happy international women's day ig#did not actually plan to post that today but it's very fitting#she's just such a well written (female) character#tv#books
383 notes
·
View notes
Text
Cup Runneth Over - Kiki Rockwell
We’re gonna pretend her ring is on the left hand 🫶
#happy international women’s day!!#ladies today you can legally commit murder!!#original character#my original characters#oc#oc art#oc illustration#original character illustration#artist#artists on tumblr#digital art#digital artist#my art#art#illustration#digital illustration#illustrator#my characters
24 notes
·
View notes
Photo
Colorful March 8th
#women#march#daily blessings#women's day#daily prayer#happy womens day#march prayers#march 8#happy international womens day#womens day#todays blessings#happy womens day quotes#happy women's day#march 8 quotes#march 8th#march 8th quotes
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
happy international women's day <333
#꒰ ✿ ꒱ — rose.#i just got home and realized OH YEAH TODAY'S INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY#so yeah have a messy post abt it#queue#who made me a princess#the way to protect the female lead's older brother#my husband hides his beauty#your throne#untouchable lady#a way to protect the lovable you#the villainess is a marionette#i was gonna add gracie and canaria from survive as the hero's wife but#THE IMAGE LIMIT HSHDHEHDH#survive as the hero's wife
77 notes
·
View notes