#but nobody knows more about how to feel alive than tori does

[jkgnggj]

OMG HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE THIS WAS NOT THE BIRTHDAY GIFT I HAD IN MIND TO GIVE U BUT IF UR ON THE TERUTORI TRAIN THEN I GOTTA GIVE U A FIC ABT THEM AHH !! GO MAKE UR OWN FIC TOO DONT CALL IT SHITTY IT'LL BE AWESOME I KNOW IT <333

★‧°𖦹｡⋆☆ GYARU TERUTORI ☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★

FINALLY BACK TO COMMISSIONING TORI RAREPAIRS HELL YEAH !! HERE'S MY LATEST BRAIN ROT TERUTORI <333 TYSM FOR THE ART @lu-kario I HOPE U ALL ENJOY GYARUO TORI AND GYARU TERU ✮⋆˙

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from Tori Amos quotes

- Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.

- I think that people who can't believe in fairies aren't worth knowing.

- I know I'm an acquired taste - I'm anchovies. And not everybody wants those hairy little things.

- Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes.

- I have so many different personalities in me and I still feel lonely.

- The violence between women is unbelievable.

- I'm too wacky for most weirdos. Who am I to judge?

- If they keep crashing stuff into the moon, the moon's gonna get pissed off, and the tides'll change, and all the women'll start PMS-ing together. Then you guys are going to fucking regret it.

- If you really want a challenge, just deal with yourself.

- I don't see myself as weird, I just see myself as honest.

- I see the dream and I see the nightmare, and I believe you can't have the dream without the nightmare.

- Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much.

- Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin.

- On some of my darkest days, Lucifer's the one who comes and gives me an ice cream.

- Most people would rather be sheep than stand on their own with antlers on.

- The sense of loss is such a tricky one, because we always feel like our worth is tied up into stuff that we have, not that our worth can grow with things we are willing to lose.

- When you've got the virgin and the whore sitting next to each other, they're likely to judge each other harshly.

- I think you have to know who you are.

- Get to know the monster that lives in your soul.

- Dive deep into your soul and explore it.

- I don’t want to renounce my dark side.

- The truth has always held an enormous interest for me.

- Healing for me is being able to sit next to the butcher and say 'Yes, I’m sitting next to the butcher now,' instead of saying 'there is no butcher'.

- This is very simple in the world of chicks; some are hoochies, some are not, and some should never try to be.

- We don't often see our own stories. Good artists are the ones that whisper our own stories back to us.

- Music is about all of your senses, not just hearing.

- Again, we go back to the power of words and how they can make you feel. They bring liberation or stagnation, they're chains.

- You don't have to apologize for growing and learning and changing your mind.

- Music has an alchemical quality.

- Certain relationships can just wear you down.

- Containment of your opinion is a must if you are going to nurture an artist's development.

- It's a good thing I'm curious, because sometimes I just research how a soccer player kicks a ball and the impact it has on his foot. I haven't used this yet, but I might.

- But over the years you can cultivate hate for the art you love.

- I don’t believe anyone’s story is boring. Every story has value because it belongs only to you.

- Sometimes I fantasize backstage about how people do their laundry. Woolite? Mixed-color loads? Do they fold? Do they press? Do they Shout it out? And the thing that kills me—do their whites come out dingy?

- Our generation has an incredible amount of realism, yet at the same time it loves to complain and not really change.

- We like our pain. And we’re packaging it, and we’re selling it.

- Festivals or radio shows can be the heavyweight championships of arrogantly detached clusterfucks.

- People who are addicted to power can live on the same street or attend the same school as us or even play on the world stage.

- None of us are this light and dark fantasy. What's dark to you may be light to me and vice versa.

- I don't think that many performers necessarily want to see their audience empowered. I think a lot of performers, no different from priests, need the hierarchy.

- Modern, celebrity-driven entertainment turns the stage into an altar, and so many celebrities refuse to be removed from those altars once they manage to ascend.

- All storytellers, all troubadours worth their salt knew their myths.

- The Sídh's historical myth is the source of the bastardized concept of a fairy—as if anyone gives a rat's ass.

- The problem with Christianity is, they think everything is about outside forces, good and evil. There's not a lot of inner work encouraged.

- Over the last few hours I've allowed myself to feel defeated, and just like she said if you allow yourself to feel the way you really feel, maybe you won't be afraid of that feeling anymore.

- I'm the queen of the nerds.

- Don't give up. Don't listen to these foolish critics that are so small minded they don't get it tonight.

- Sometimes listening to music can motivate you.

- I think even in a good marriage, especially if you stay together long enough, there are going to be events that happen.

- An ounce of breast milk is even more potent than the finest tequila.

- Music is always a reflection of what's going on in the hearts and minds of the culture.

- Many people lock a part of themselves away. It's a bit sacred.

- I've always seen the songs as having a consciousness.

- Our world is a huge mess right now, and not big enough for masses of intolerant people.

- We are all fairies living underneath a leaf of a lily pad.

- That is some funky-fresh, pop lockin' shit.

- If I saw someone destroy a piano I'd fuckin' kill 'em. Wouldn't think twice.

- I experiment with things that are usually an internal experience, because that's just what excites me. And yes, it does sometimes give me visions.

- Some of those trips were eighteen hours long and I'll never forget, once I ended up sitting by the bush trying to ask the flowers why they didn't like me. It's like, Why can't I be your friend?

- You might not like my story because I'm not gonna tell you how it ends yet, and you need to travel it with me.

- I just imagined a huge juicy vagina coming out of the sky, raining blood over all those racist, misogynist fuckers.

- You can't control your popularity

- If you can't create physical life, you find a life force. If that's in music, that's in music.

- I started to find this deep, primitive rhythm, and I started to move to it.

-I held hands with sorrow, and I danced with her, and we giggled a bit

- I usually get myself into situations that cause sparks.

- I love feeling alive, I love walking out in the cold in my bare feet and feeling the ice on my toes.

- For the most part, pianos are female to me.

- Anger is natural. It's part of the force. You just have to learn to hang out with it.

- In our minds, love and lust are really separated.

- I think all the boys that write the screaming stuff would write the best love songs

- When you stop putting yourself on the line, and you don't touch your own heart, how do you expect to touch other people?

- Guys would sleep with a bicycle if it had the right color lip gloss on. They have no shame. They're like bull elks in a field.

- Your worst enemies are made when you ignore people.

- It's as if the horses have come to take us back, to descend, to find the dark side. By dark I mean what's hidden, not necessarily satanic.

- There's room for everybody on the planet to be creative and conscious if you are your own person. If you're trying to be like somebody else, then there is isn't.

- Sometimes you have to do what you don't like to get to where you want to be.

- You know that saying, bad things don't happen to good people? That's a lie.

- I'm not a habit, I'm a lifestyle.

- There are a lot of hidden nerds.

- People who become the front runners often used to be outcasts or loners.

- Um, don't get me wrong because I love boys, it's just that sometimes we don't need you.

- There are only ten ideas under the sun. What makes the difference is how you spice them.

- So I'm in Virginia, and I had crabs--I keep saying that! I had crab sickness, I had eaten bad crabs in Maryland!

- I'm a winter girl; I like coming out when things are desolate and everybody's ready to slit their wrists.

- You can only be you. A lot of times it's never enough for people.

- I've never played the guitar, except throwing it against the wall cause it was pissed off I couldn't play it.

- Truly, I was a sweetheart when I was little, like the Honeysuckle Faery. Sweet-pea. But sweet-peas are not popular after second grade. Sweet-peas become nerds really fast.

- I really enjoy having a giggle with a friend, but then someone crosses my line, then I don't really take it lightly.

- I sometimes forget I'm not 7'2" and a Viking.

- A boundary was crossed. And maybe I drew a boundary, consciously.

- It was a bit violent, a bit sexual.

- When nothing makes sense, music seems to come and bring me a margarita and sit down with me.

- You don't have to justify everything. Being pissed off is just absolutely okay.

- There is a level of the vampire in me, which is OK.

- It hurts me when a woman doesn't come through for me, more than a man.

- I'm a grown woman. I've earned my experiences, my scars.

- What is an angel but a ghost in drag?

- I'm beginning to accept and love the parts of me, of women that I was trained to hate all my life.

- People can be so vicious toward the imaginary world and it saddens me. You kill a lot of little people's dreams that way.

- Even if you don't read history or you aren't interested in anything that happened before the '60s, there are reasons why we think the way we do.

- That's how the story goes but I don't believe the story.

- I would find myself either the lovey-doveyest-woviest sweet pea, or a mad-woman.

- I believe in eating.

- You can't change what happened. And nobody's asking you to forgive.

- Why be afraid of these cuddly, soft, adorable things?

- I have good days. Like if I get really good coffee ice cream with just the right amount of chocolate syrup.

- A lot of people see themselves as victims, even when you have to stand in line for ice cream.

- It's so difficult to be critical of children because they need to discover themselves. We're always telling them, "No, the tree has green leaves!"

- I'm tired of being a rebel. Now I just want to be me.

- When things get really empty for me, empty in my outer life, in my inner life, the music world, the songs come across galaxies to find me.

- Do you know what it's like to be a girl and have blood running down your legs and think that you're dying, just because no one's told you that's what happens? It's horrible.

- An angel's face is tricky to wear constantly.

- Mess with me and you will not survive.

- I think that happiness is when you can let yourself feel every emotion you want at any time instead of being a lying little fuck.

- I'm not into this dieting thing.

- The cross has been used as a weapon, as it has been used against all women throughout the ages. And that's the greatest evil of all.

- I think you've got to find a giggle somewhere in stuff that would scare the poop outta ya.

- A cornflake girl is Wonderbread whereas a raisin girl is whole wheat bread.

- I would like to think I'm a raisin girl, because in my mind they're more open minded. Cornflake girls are totally self centered, don't care about anything or anybody.

- I like butter and the people who like butter."

- I'm known as that girl who has tea with the Devil.

- I'm not afraid of sadness.

- Everybody has creativity and each person has it in a different way. Some people aren't musical, some musicians can't even think about painting or gardening. There's so many different ways to be creative.

- I wanna be burned, definitely burned, like the witches.

- Give the kids tools, so they can go build their own houses; not the blueprint of what the houses should be.

- Look at me now. I'm breast feeding pigs.

- I wish I had more of a sense of humor.

- I can be so hard on people.

- If somebody's being a jerk, I would like to go wee on their head. And then I do that, mentally.

- The people on the internet know more about what I am doing than I do. Like, they will say that I am going to be in this mall on this day, and sure enough, I am there!

- I'm like a lioness who kills her own prey and no one else has to kill for her. But if some other lioness comes to me and says "I just got a good prey, do you want a piece?" I can say "of course" - and the other way around.

- There are things that I would disagree with Jesus about, and I feel really good about that.

- History has recorded some pretty nasty things that have happened to people. I think we remember. I think it's in our cells and I think it can still hurt sometimes."

- I don't believe in the saying that it all happens for the best, it's just not appropriate.

- Of course I believe in past lives, I mean, three quarters of the human race believes this, it's not like a great new thought here.

- I use innocence in my demeanor like a Venus flytrap.

- I do like to talk about things no one wants to hear at the dinner table.

- I'm not interested in being a really nice person; I want to be a creative, responsible person that's balanced.

- Boys are cute but food is cuter

- Do any of you dream about crocodiles?

-I know I dream about crocodiles. I'm obsessed with them.

- If people can't see things from the other side that's not my problem, it's theirs.

- I think I give equal time in my hatred, right?

- Sometimes I'm mad at some guy, sometimes I'm mad at some girl, and sometimes I'm totally loving some guy, so and sometimes I'm loving some girl.

_ Well, Pele is the volcano goddess and I thought of like, um, sacrificing some of the boys in my life to her but then I decided that that wasn't really a very good idea.

- Anger originates from envy and outrage, not being seen, not being heard.

- We don't know where souls go when they die. We don't know a lot of things. We didn't create the planets. We didn't do this all by ourselves. So, therefore, why wouldn't there be a creative force if it can create humans and planets?

- I've been hanging out with some of the Hell's Angels in England. They're some of the sweetest people I've ever met.

- Real friends have to be understanding of each other, and their faults.

- I think I'm really hard to get to know on a personal level.

- Thailand is calling me.

- People I see laughing all the time, check for razor blades in their anal-force underwear, because it's just a little lie.

- I'm not interested in taking drugs. I do hallucinogens once in a while for journey experiences.

- I hear the wine. It's like a structure. I see it as a piece. I hear it before I taste it. It's calling me. And then I start to hear it when I'm tasting it.

- Not that I use crystal suppositories, I'm not New Age.

- A peach tree says, 'Some of me will be juicy and some of me will be dry I'm not growing for you; I grow because that's what I do.' You always hear some person complain about how dry their peach is and the peach says, 'It's not our fault you have no understanding on the proper use for dry peaches.'

- My theory is that women were the Mona Lisas for a long time and now men are Mona Lisas with little goatees. They are our muses.

- If you're gonna tell a story, you have to grow into the head of the rapist as well as the raped.

- He was a lite sneeze, and not the flu. Most boys would like to think they're the flu, wouldn't they? But they're really just a achoo.

- If you call me an airy-fairy new age hippy waif, I will cut your penis off.

- It's a double-edged sword and if you pretend you don't want it you're a liar and that is going to rip your soul to pieces.

- I'm always dreaming that these bulls are chasing me. Half the time I don't get away - I almost get over the fence, and then they gore me.

- I believe in energy, everything is energy. And therefore sometimes magic can be created if somebody is open to letting energy do what it does, instead of being so cynical, that you miss magic happening.

- I feel like a work really has many sides to it when people have such extreme reactions. When a work is greeted with just, 'Oh, you know, it's nice', then it's not affecting people. So love it or hate it, that's okay.

- I am a real believer in looking at pain and taking it out shopping.

- The music is the magic carpet that other things take naps on.

- I just try to strip myself, peel myself like an onion. At different layers I discover stuff.

- Why is the world where it is? It's so deep-rooted, if we really start looking, and we might not like what we find. But I think we have to, we have to ask the questions.

- I'm beyond the fury of youth.

- I love young women who are angry. They're wild mustangs.

- I didn't want her looking and hearing me and thinking, "Oh my God, that's a scary lady!"

- They felt that it was detrimental material for their children and that it was blasphemous.

- They've decided they kinda' have you figured out.

- My nightmares are so bad, that I mostly reject it when my friends want to take me to a cinema to watch a horror movie. Then I say, "No, thank you. I will dream in a few hours."

- I don't know of anybody who's gonna be fulfilled if they get hit by a bus. You have to surrender to that eternal need to be fulfilled.

- How do you know I'm not having a margarita with Jesus tonight at 10 o'clock?

- Let's be honest, religion has not supported women and men exploring all sorts of their sides, their unconscious. It has not been supportive of, you know, go into the places without shame, without blame, without judgment, and just let yourself really see what's cooking in there.

- I think human beings are so much more capable of what they told us we're capable of.

- Anyone can attend yoga, kabbalah classes, church, lectures by the 'Dalai Lama', yada, yada, yada - but can you be present for your life, and live with the way you treat other people?

- Only a few people should have a "greatest hits". I'm not one of those people.

- I feel like our leaders have hijacked America's personality, and taken her to personality plastic surgery school. And they decided this is who she is.

- The playground is the biggest war-zone in the world.

- You have to read visionaries to have visions.

- They squash the baby bird because their bird got squashed.

- I love reading. I'll read the first sentence and if it makes sense to me I pick it up.

- It's ridiculous saying there's only one true faith, it's like saying there's only one map to get you up the mountain. I want to see those other maps, man.

- I kinda have all the aspects of my personality round one table for spaghetti.

- If it's too loud, turn it up.

- I was doing drugs with a South American shaman, and I really did visit the devil and, well, I had a journey.

- There is no passion without broken crockery.

- You have to ask, how could a nation nearly vote in somebody who isn't qualified for the job?

- We're living in a frightening time and I wish people would wake up and realise they're surrendering their civil liberties.

- Who wouldn't want to shag a queen?

[sweeethinny]

death bed (coffee for your head) by Powfu for Drastoria?

I know that music has all this super sad background and that you would probably expect me to make Astoria die, BUT, as I always say here, nothing in this world will make me leave another child in the universe of HP orphaned, so, everything ends well at the end of this one shoot. I took a long time to write, mainly because I wanted it to come out the way I wanted, and I think I came up with something similar to my head Sad stories and fights are still a hindrance for me to write, but I am improving Thank you for sending! I loved this suggestion <3

''Astoria, I love you so much, which is why I'm writing this.

Last night after what your father said, after everything they pointed out ... I cannot arrest you, I cannot condemn you that way. You deserve so much, much more than I can give you. I wanted to be the man who will give you a family, a son, who will see you come in white and be waiting for you to be able to say 'yes', but it's not me. Unfortunately. It sucks that we met in this life, when I'm just a monster, just like your dad pointed out. That's what I am, after all. You always made me very happy, never doubt it Astoria, being on your side made every minute worthwhile, and for a few days I even thought I could leave it all behind. But I can not. It just doesn't work. As much as you say my past doesn't define me ... it does, Tori, he made me like this, he made me have the fucking Dark Mark on my arm and I can't get you sick with this shit. Don't blame yourself or lose sleep over this, you have a bright future ahead and you deserve to live the best life ever. Thank you for seeing me a little bit of the life I could have had, but unfortunately that needs to end.

I wanted to be the man of your life, like you were the woman of mine.

I will love you forever and ever.

Forever Yours,

Draco Malfoy''

She wanted to throw up, cry and scream all at the same time, lying on the floor while sobbing, watching the paper tremble in her hands, and the ink getting more and more smudged with every drop that fell.

Draco left her

Before she could think, before could reason perfectly, she was leaving the room, running through Greengrass Mansion, jumping the steps and barely seeing the path had taken to her father's office, opening a door with all her might, exploding in all its fury before the man could defend himself;

''He ran-away! Are you happy now? After you said all the things ... all that bullshit! He was just a boy! Coerced and afraid of having their parents dead! He was never a murderer, he never did me any harm, and now, because of that shit of yours yesterday, he found it safer to leave.''

"Well, it looks like he hurt you now" The man shrugged, still stiff and looking indifferent, which irritated her even more

''What ... Draco thinks he's doing me a favor, that you were right, that ... DO I LOOK HAPPY?''

''Don't you see the ruin it would take you? What would it do to your reputation? No one else would look you in the face!’’ Astoria snorted irritably

''And do I care about that?! Fuck them!, I DO NOT CARE. You can't meddle like that in my life, I'm not a child and I know very well who I choose to marry''

''You look crazy, do you see that? Screaming and doing all this drama''

''All this drama? My fiance left me because of you!'' The father finally seemed to feel something

''My fault? If he were a real man he would have hit the front, not run away like a coward! In fact, running away is the only thing the Malfoys know how to do. ''

''He knew it would hurt me, he knew that causing a fight with you would hurt me ... '' The man fought a battle with a daughter, one staring as angry as the woman

''You said it yourself ... do you look happy?’’ He raised a dark, defiant brow.

''I'm going after him'' She turned away, being stopped on the next step, feeling her father's hand on her arm

''Astoria ... ''

''No, he is my fiancé and I am going to marry him, whether you like it or not ... I always knew that people would talk about it and that they possibly came back against me, but my own family?'' She swallowed the ball that formed in her throat, with her eyes prickling ''I think you look a lot like the rest of the pureblood, after all''

It wasn’t very easy to find Draco, there was a world of possibilities where he could have hidden, and as far as Astoria knew him, he would have preferred a place she wasn’t aware of how to get there.

What made her travel to Scotland.

Being Pure Blood had its privileges there.

She had already talked to some people who might know about her whereabouts - even her in-laws (they wouldn't be ex, until she decided they would), but nobody knew anything. Nothing, until she presses one of his co-workers and finds out that he has taken a portkey for Scotland.

It was so obvious, and so stupid that she hadn't thought of it.

Of course, this was not a small neighborhood with few houses and few people to question about a handsome, tall blonde, it was a country, and it took a lot of effort to imagine where Draco would be hiding.

And so, she was going up to an abandoned and broken castle that was on top of a hill, in one of the cities in the interior of the country, feeling frozen by the wind that whistled in her ears, time closing over her head, and the houses looking smaller and smaller. But at least, she found him

"You idiot!" It was the first thing that came out of her mouth as soon as she opened the door to that old, dark castle with a smell of dust that would probably make her sneeze, managing to find him sitting in one of the most distant chairs, drinking something that looked like wine

''Astoria .. What the fuck are you doing here?'' She realized that there were pictures torn across the walls, in addition to broken silver, looking very familiar for some reason.

''What do you think? Marry you, idiot! Or did you think I would swallow all that shit and be quiet?'' The two were close, and as much as she missed him a lot, after all, it was almost two months hunting him around, her fury was first ''Do you think I care about any shit you did years ago? During a war!? I do not. And it annoys me that you make that decision without consulting me or asking me what I think about everything my father said, and if you want to know, I think it was great nonsense.''

''You do not understand? Astoria, you deserve someone better than me, someone who can- ''

‘’-I want you, is it hard to understand? Did the Dark Mark melt your brain by any chance?'' Her heart was pounding, so nervous and happy to have found it, and alive. For a few days, she really thought she would have lost him forever, far beyond mere rejection.

"No, and that's why I'm giving you a chance to run a long way"

''I did, and even then, I ran to a fucking hill behind you. I think that says a lot'' the man denied, pacing and messing with his long, light hair.

''I cannot arrest you''

''It was never a prison, I'm here of my own free will, I'm old enough to make my own choices, I'm not a slob like you and my father seem to believe'' Draco looked at her as if he had heard the greatest offense in the world, grabbing her shoulders and vehemently denying

"I would never think of that"

''Is what it seems. You think I have no right to say who I should or shouldn't marry, whether or not I should stay by your side, which is my decision, only mine! How many times do I need to say that what you did or did not change what I feel? I like you Draco, I love you, we all have a past, and you've changed’'

''How are you so sure of that? How can you not even imagine that I can succumb to the darkness again?'' She already wanted to cry, exhausted from all that, needy with the whole situation and possibly getting sick from the drastic temperature change

''You could have done anything that day, you could have acted in many other ways, but you just preferred to do nothing and go away, afraid of hurting me ... Would you do that if you remained on the side of darkness? Would you care that much?'' Astoria stared at him, letting the walls fall completely, tired '' You said you couldn't be the man of my life, that you couldn't be the one waiting for me at the altar, that you wouldn't be the father of our son, but. You can be all of that, you are already the man of my life Draco. Every time .. '' She let herself cry, biting her lip before continuing ''All the times I thought you could have died, that you would have really abandoned me, that I would be without you .. I wouldn't even update imagine without being able to wake up by your side, of not having your love notes hidden by the house, of being alone.''

''I just don't want to hurt you, Tori, I could never do that to you'' When she think back to that night, she would remember there were tears in his eyes ''I love you so much, so much, that if necessary, for protect you, I stay away''

''You're already hurting me, and you're already getting away and proving to me that this is not what I want ... When I asked you out the first time, you asked me if I wouldn't mind the looks, and I said not. And Draco, I didn't change my answer'' The man wiped away her tears, smiling sadly in her direction

''I was thinking it was for your good'' Astoria denied, finally hugging him

''It wasn't ... I need you here with me, I want you here'' Then, without even realizing it, she continued; ''How will I raise a child on my own? He needs a father to teach him how to fly''

''What?!'' Draco pushed her away, eyes bulging and squeezing the woman's shoulders, looking like a white paper.

''Oh .. right, I forgot to mention that I'm pregnant'' Astoria smiled awkwardly, a little waryly, before being pulled back into the hug, feeling his chest tremble in a silent cry, which obviously caused your.

In the end, Draco was the man who had seen her come in a white dress, who had become her husband and who was the father of her son.

He was her man, always had been, regardless of anything.

And there was never anyone who made her change her mind.

[jenifersaturn]

Loyalty (has always been a flimsy thing)

Lovino’s eyes are closing. The wound is too deep, and the blood is flowing slowly from his torso. He holds back tears of pain and makes sure to stay as silent as possible. The gun feels heavy in his hand and his grip is still strong even through the blood loss. He is ready to shoot anybody that dares to approach before the help Antonio is sending him arrives. He doesn’t even know if that help will arrive, much less if it will arrive on time. He can only hope by this point.

The world seems blurry and his head is hazy. Securing the cloth he is using to stop the blood from leaving his body he lets out a hiss of pain. It hurts so much, so fucking much. He wishes the pain just ended but refuses to give in to the exhaustion and the need to just take a nap. A little voice in his head whispers to him that a little short nap never hurt anyone in the past. He tries his best to ignore it.

He is almost at the brink of falling asleep- dying, he is almost at the brink of dying when he hears a noise in the distance. He doesn’t know whether it is from a friend or from a foe, so he grips his gun and raises it, pointing it to the doorway in front of him. His head quickly whips to the left alongside his hand, pointing at the left of the room where another doorway stands.

The man that stands there is significantly handsome, with spiky and quite unnatural blond hair. He just looks at him, as surprised as he is; it takes him no longer than three seconds to remember who he is. That the man is not just a stranger. He still has a firm grip of the gun, but he doesn’t want to shoot.

“Ma-Mathias”, the man’s name comes out forcefully from his lips. He can barely breathe nor talk without feeling the blood rising through his throat and he is probably going to die today but he doesn’t want to die like this oh god just save him and it hurts like hell.

Matthias looks at him noticing the wound. The moment the man steps forward Lovino moves the gun if only a little, making a garbled sound of warning. They are enemies, and Lovino isn’t letting him get near him.

“Lovino, hey. I’m not- I am not going to harm you in any way. Look, that’s- that’s a lot of blood”, even Mathias looks unsure about what he is about to do. “Please, let me help you. I know we are on different sides but I owe you my life and you’re my friend.”

He isn’t that convinced, but if he doesn’t receive help soon he is most definitely going to die. He doesn’t want to die, so he slowly lowers the gun.

“Good”, Mathias says as he approaches him.

The blond man lowers himself to his knees, taking out a medical kit from one of his many pockets. Lovino can’t help but feel immensely grateful when Mathias stabs him with morphine, because the pain had been hellish. He rapidly relaxes as he feels expert hands working on his wound, having already cut the cloth around it. It stings a bit, but even then the only thing he truly feels is how cold the needle is.

It seems Mathias isn’t happy about him relaxing, because just when he is about to give in to sleep the man slaps his face gently.

“Hey, Vino. How have you been lately?”

The question barely registers, and he takes a few seconds to answer it. “M’fine, have been better”. And he has been better. Right now he just feels drowsy, and sleep seems like the best option. He knows that he shouldn’t, he could die, but he is exhausted and sleeping seems so important right now.

“How’s it been going with Antonio?”, because if Mathias remembered it right, Lovino and Antonio were dating.

“A’stupid a’sever, I love ‘im though”, he tries to answer as clearly as he can, but it comes out more rushed that he thought it would.

Mathias’ hands suddenly stop moving as they grab the scissors and cut the string connecting to the needle. He winces at how weird it is to feel the string move through his skin, but relaxes again in less than five seconds. He tries to look at Mathias as well as he can, because his head is pounding, and the walls are moving.

“Thank you.” No more words are needed. Mathias nods and then stands up, fast, and begins to leave.

He stops at the doorway to the left.

“It was nice to see you again, let’s hope we can meet again in different circumstances”, there is longing in Mathias voice and he can’t help but agree.

He wants to reunite with his friends again, regardless of which side they’re on, and eat Mr. Zwingly’s chocolate as Mr. Edelstein discusses with them how annoying some musicians he knows are. He imagines Matthew having arguments with Yao over the slightest thing, while Alfred spends time with Arthur preventing him from even approaching the kitchen. Ivan would be seated next to Gilbert on the couch as the latter tells his brother Ludwig and Feliciano about his latest endeavors. Mathias would brag about his latest hits to Tino, Emil, Berwald and Lukas while Kiku spends his time cuddling with Heracles as he talks to Sadiq and Gupta about politics. Lovino would be with Antonio whining about the loudness of the reunion before going to the kitchen to start preparing food. Ferdinand would be there too, with João at his side. Vladimir would arrive only once Feliks and Toris arrived themselves. Raivis and Eduard would arrive together, yelling at each other but eventually getting drunk enough to declare their undying brotherhood to anyone and everyone who would listen.

But Lovino knows war isn’t fair, and even in his fantasies he thinks about the fact that not everyone will get out of this war alive. That they are not that lucky. Have never been that lucky. In the foggines of his mind he remembers his twin brother’s words of despair, uttered in that horrible mansion with no sense of time and space, about how daunting everything truly is. About how meaningless things can be sometimes. That he doesn’t understand how wars can be fought when there’s obviously more important things to fight for. Lovino agrees.

As he hears the faint sound of footsteps and someone he is sure is shouting his name, the world finally goes dark.

Mathias doesn’t know what he just did. He had been about to sneak into the enemy camp when he saw Lovino, weak, defenseless, bleeding and potentially dying. He had to help him. He knew he shouldn’t have, he wasn’t stupid. Romano Vargas was in their kill-on-sight list thanks to his uncanny abilities to kill people with their own weapons. Personally, he thinks it suits the italian: using his enemies’ own weapons to kill them seems like the sort of poetic justice bullshit Lovino would love. The thing is, he had hoped nobody saw him. When it came to traitors and treating enemy soldiers they had strict rules.

Mathias doesn’t want to be executed. He might be a high ranking soldier, an Oberst, but he isn’t as ready to die for his country as others. Defending his people to death is definitely one of his goals, but he does it for the people themselves, not his land. He isn’t that patriotic. The blond doesn’t really believe he would be able to live knowing he let one of his oldest friends die from blood loss, especially knowing he could have been able to prevent it.

Now he wishes he knew how to explain this to the familiar finnish man pointing a shotgun against his head.

“Nice going there, Den” the sneer in Tino’s voice is clear. They had never gotten along and they wouldn’t even try to see each other's faces if they could help it, but they were ordered to work together and Tino is dating Mathias’ brother so they can’t really do anything about it. “Do we have a tiny rat in our ranks?”

He swallows, “Look, Tino, it isn’t what it looks like-” the cold feeling of the shotgun against his head makes it somewhat harder to speak.

“I didn’t see you healing our enemy? Nursing him back to health?” and Tino sounds so judgemental. “He might be our friend, but we are in a war, Oberst Kohler! A war! We got no time to go around helping the men that are helping to massacrate our soldiers, our people!”

“But it was Lovino! It wasn’t just a random man! It was our friend, someone we spent hours, days, weeks,and years alongside with!” Mathias takes a deep breath, because he is this close to having a panic attack. “Vino saved our lives dozens of times, I am just… returning the favor. This is the last time I do this, Tino, I promise. Please, please, don’t tell anybody. I am no traitor, please.”

Mathias can’t help it and his voice breaks towards the end of the sentence, but the pressure of the shotgun against his head disappears and when he looks at Tino the man looks conflicted, resigned and his eyes adopt the softened look that is mostly reserved for Berwald, Lukas and Emil. Tino lets out a sigh before the hardened sharp look is back.

“Just this once, Mathias. If I see you doing something so stupid again, I won’t doubt it. Not even once.”

“I know.” The words leave his lips softly and weakly, a murmur that he knows Tino barely catches.

They leave a bitter aftertaste, because Mathias knows in a deep part of his heart that if the occasion arises again, he will help with no doubt.

He realizes something in that moment, and it is that despite the fact that he is one of the best fighters from their mismatched group of friends, he wasn’t made for war. He isn’t strong enough for it. Perhaps none of them were, he reflects, maybe they just had different reasons and that helped them fight. Mathias just wants to go home alongside Lukas, and he can only wonder what Tino wants as he looks at his stoic figure walking across the field (and Mathias knows that beyond that stoic exterior Tino is just a soft sappy idiot). 

He takes a deep breath and the exhales. He grabs his gun close to his chest before continuing scouting, decidedly ignoring what Lovino’s presence means.

(He hears the shots and goes running back to his camp and they have to move further back because somehow the Spanish forces managed to ambush them. He feels bad for the dead, and he can feel Tino’s judging gaze, but Mathias decidedly ignores all of it and tries to help as much as he still can).

Lovino wakes in the morning, two days later. He feels sore, has a headache, his torso still hurts a fucking lot, and he can barely open his eyes without hissing like a goddamn cat. He is half pressed to blame Antonio for this, but he resolves that maybe it is not the best time, and that Antonio technically didn’t have anything to do with it. Still, he wants to blame someone, and the man who did it is already dead.

He blames (and thanks) Mathias, for nursing him back to health. The field medic doesn’t even let him sit up, which irritates the hell outta him, and the fact that he hasn’t seen Antonio since he woke up worsens his mood. He tries to take deep breaths, no need to explode at an innocent soldato’s face.

The moment Antonio crosses the door Lovino opens his mouth to say something insulting but interrupts himself after noticing the blood in the other’s uniform. His worried eyes quickly turn to scan his fiancè’s body, noticing Antonio fiddling with the hem of his uniform, but no injuries are in sight. Antonio is just as worried as he is. 

“Come, tomato jerk, give a goddamn hug before I change my mind” he says, already seated, as he extends his hand to him. Antonio doesn’t even doubt it and he suddenly has his arms full of a Spanish man. The emerald eyed man is obviously trying not to mess up with his injuries, and Lovino readjusts his posture slightly so his lover doesn’t hurt him accidentally. “I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“I thought you’d die. The moment I kneeled there, in front of you, and held your hand. When you told me to go on without you, that you were going to be fine and that you only needed a gun...” Antonio lets out a sob, muffled by Lovino’s neck. “It felt like a goodbye. I thought when I came back you would be dead and the medic would arrive too late, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.”

There is desperation lacing tomato jerk’s cracked words as he goes on, so Lovino hugs him tighter and murmurs reassuring words to him to try and calm him down, and when that doesn’t completely work he interrupts him.

“Toni, per favore, listen to me. Common mio amore, listen to me.” His italian accent becomes more marked, and Antonio stops talking completely, panting slightly. “I’m alive, and here, and at your side. I won’t leave in a very fucking long time and you’ll be so done with me that in our next life you’ll hate me. You can’t get rid of me that easily, tomato jerk. Never.”

“I’d never hate you, Vino. Never.” Antonio slowly lets go, standing up and wiping off his tears. “The medic says you’ll be able to fight again in about two weeks. He says he can’t give you longer since we have a deadline to get back this sector, but you may rest meanwhile. I do have a question, though.”

“I don’t know whether to be happy to get permission to do no shit, or be angry that I am bound to a fucking bed for two damn weeks. Whatever, ask away.” As there is no one there but his fiance he decides he is still childish enough to lay down and bury his face in his pillow in an act of pettiness.

“When the field medic got there you were already treated. He has asked around the camp but it seems it wasn’t one of them. Would you be able to name who did it?” Antonio asks, tilting his head in curiosity. 

He is fucking adorable, Lovino aggressively decides.

He wonders a bit, and even entertains the thought of telling Antonio the truth but ultimately puts it aside. Knowing Mathias saved him would probably affect Antonio’s efficiency in the field if they go against him again.

“Way too hazy, I remember little about it, I do remember he was blond, but that’s all. He asked me questions, to keep me awake. I think I ended up talking about you at some point?” He answers, making sure to hesitate a little. Lovino knows how to lie well, he had to learn when he was a child. But Antonio usually knows when he is lying.

“I’ll ask around then, coulda been one of the members of the 158th Regiment, since they’ve been around patrolling” the Spanish man thinks out loud before zeroing his eyes in the Italian. “I’m glad you’re alive”, he mutters softly.

“Me too.” And Lovino can only remember the times in which he would have answered with a I’m not. “Me too, Toni. Me too. I am happy you’re here.”

“By your side? Always.”

[whump-tr0pes]

This is a series. Start here. Continued from here. 

Red X is for posted, white X is for requested.

AO3

Cw: broken bones

Honor bound - 31 (passing out from pain) - @badthingshappenbingo​

Ellis pawed at Isaac’s hand, trying to dislodge it but unwilling to hurt him. “It’s ok, Isaac,” they soothed. “It’s me. It’s Ellis. You’re safe. You got out.”

Isaac’s eyes were unfocused. His gaze slid around the car, as if struggling to grasp what he was seeing. “Not…not a dream?”

“No,” Ellis whispered. “We’re safe.”

Isaac whimpered. “I don’t…believe...” He slumped back, his hand falling from Ellis’s chest. “Please…don’t…kill me…again.”

Ellis pulled back with horror as Isaac’s eyes rolled back and he sagged against the seatbelt.

“Did…did he say…don’t kill him? Again?” Tears rolled down Sam’s cheeks.

Vera nodded slowly. “I think so.” She reached her hand back towards Isaac and pulled it back quickly. “What did Gavin do to him?”

Finn’s eyes turned to Gray. “Do you have somewhere in mind to go? I need to know how long we’re going to be driving before I do anything else for him.”

Gray bit their lip. “I have a friend who lives close by. I haven’t seen her in years, but…she might…give us somewhere safe to stay…for a little while…”

“How far away is this friend?”

Gray thought for a moment. “I think if we stay on this highway we’ll get there in…three hours? More, if we take side roads?”

“How much more?”

They shook their head. “Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve never gone that way. Maybe four and a half?”

Finn exhaled, eyes moving over Isaac. “I don’t know how much longer he has. I don’t know how bad he’s really hurt.” They thought for a moment. “I only have eight bags of saline left. I need more room to work than in a speeding car packed with six people.”

“If Gavin survived, if any of them survived, they’ll have everyone looking for us.” Vera’s voice was hard. “Does Isaac have four and a half hours?”

Finn bit their lip. “I don’t know. But if they catch us it won’t matter. We’ll all be dead.” They turned to Gray. “Side roads it is.”

They nodded. “Ellis, do you still have the phone? I’ll have you dial but let me talk to her.” Ellis nodded, typing the number Gray gave them. They handed the phone to Gray and they turned up the volume as loud as they could without putting it on speaker, holding it to their ear.

A woman answered. “If you’re calling this number this damned well better be an emergency.”

“Hey, Tori.”

A pause. “Gray…?”

“Yeah, it’s me. And…it’s an emergency.”

A sigh. “What is it, Gray? What have you gotten into?”

Gray gritted their teeth. “Short version?”

“Whatever you want to tell me. Just do it fast.”

“Ok. Well…someone from the eastern syndicate took my people and tortured them. One of my people, he’s hurt…bad. I’ve got another with a busted ankle and a few more injures between us all. We…could use someplace to sleep. Get our injuries properly taken care of. We…we’re pretty ragged right now, Tori. The guy knows about all our safehouses and we have nowhere else to go. Just one night. Please.” They swallowed hard and their voice dropped to a murmur. “You know I wouldn’t call unless it was really bad.”

“You wouldn’t have anything to do with the explosion that’s all over the radio traffic now, would you?”

Gray paled. “It’s on the radios?”

“I figured that was you, if you were calling me now. An explosion at some boss’s hideout. Sounds like there were more than a few casualties, it wiped out vehicles and a good amount of explosives. Nobody seems to know who did it, or if you’re still alive.”

Vera stared at the dashboard. Gray shot a glance at her out the corner of their eye. “Yeah, that was us. We used the explosives to get out. What else have you heard about it?”

“That you didn’t kill the guy who took your people.”

Sam let out a small wail. “What?”

“Apparently he was airlifted to Central.”

Ellis eyes were fixed on the phone in Gray’s hand.

“Oh.” Gray swallowed. “That is…”

“Unfortunate?”

Anger darkened their tone. “Yes.”

“Hm.”

“Tori…please. Everyone’s hurt but me. And it’s…it’s our leader that’s off the worst. He sacrificed himself. Please, Tori, he’s good. He’ll die if we don’t get him taken care of, get him to rest.” Their eyes burned with tears. “Please.”

A long pause. Then a sigh. “Fine. I have the room. You can stay, but only until everyone’s good enough to travel. Then you’re gone.”

Gray’s words rushed out of them. “That’s more than generous, Tori. Thank you. Thank you. We’re still a few hours out.”

“Call me on this number when you’re close.” She hung up.

Gray let out the breath they’d been holding. “Thank god,” they murmured. They threw a look into the back seat. “How’s he doing?”

Finn pressed their lips together. “I mean…I can stop the bleeding until we get there. But I can’t do any stitching or really anything else until we stop.”

“You can’t do any stitching at all.” Ellis’s voice was strained.

“I can do it one-handed.” They ducked their head. “If you help me.” Ellis nodded once, painfully.

“I’m not hurt.” Vera’s voice was hollow.

Gray blinked, glancing at her. “What?”

She stared straight ahead. “You said everyone was hurt but you. I’m not hurt.”

Gray surveyed her carefully, eyes flicking between her and the road. “You want to talk about what happened in there? What he…what he triggered?”

She jerked her head once to the side. “Nope.”

Gray’s eyebrows pulled together. “You know we’re going to have to talk about it at some point.”

Her lip wobbled and her eyes filled with tears. “I don’t think so.” She crossed her arms and looked out the window.

“Vera?” Finn’s voice was weak. After a moment she turned back to look at them. “I could use your help splinting Sam’s leg.”

She nodded once. “Of course.”

Finn pointed to what they needed and Ellis passed her a SAM splint and an ACE wrap. “Ok. Take the splint and unroll it. Fold it in half, then make it into…sort of a stirrup. It’ll go under Sam’s heel and up the sides of their leg.” She did it. “Ok. Now…make sure the leg is straight, that it’s not twisted at all, and put the splint on their leg.”

“Here. Can you put your leg in my lap?”

Sam winced and lifted their leg, gingerly placing it on Vera’s lap. They gasped as they put their leg down. They pressed back against Gray. Gray’s hand left the wheel momentarily to squeeze Sam’s hand.

Vera carefully fitted the splint onto their leg. Sam sucked in a breath, pressing their hand against their mouth to keep from crying out. Vera fixed them with apologetic eyes as she pressed the splint around their leg.

“Now just…bandage it with the ACE wrap. Secure it really well in the splint. Not too tight, though. We want good bloodflow still.”

“Ok.” Vera wrapped the bandage around Sam’s leg, stabilizing it in the splint. She pressed the Velcro end against the bandage. “Is that it?”

“Yeah, that’ll be fine for now. How does it feel, Sam?”

Tears spilled over. “It’s…it’s ok. It’s better. Really.” Their dark eyes fixed on Isaac.

“Let me worry about Isaac,” Finn said softly, reaching up for Sam’s hair, broken hand freezing just before they touched them. “If it starts to feel like it’s not in the right place, tell me.”

“Ok.” Sam turned to face the front, shuddering. Vera opened her arm to them and they curled against her side.

Finn looked back to Isaac, still slumped in his seat. They pulled in a deep breath. “Ellis, will you help me with the rest?”

“Of course.” Their hand tightened on their shoulder.

Continued here

@untilthepainstarts​​​, @womping-grounds​​​, @blue-flare10​​​, @free-2bmee​​​, @quirkykayleetam​​​, @walkingchemicalfire​​​, @inpainandsuffering​​​, @redwingedwhump​​​, @burtlederp​​​, @castielamigos-whump-side-blog​​​, @insomniacscoprio​​​, @whumpy101 

[tmrrwppl]

heroesarise elirya: “You’re responsible for the death of...

the one thing I really wanted from the books in the movie was the entire ‘trial’ where the whole of Dauntless was ready to fucking kill him and they literally stole Eric from Jack Kang’s custody because nobody fucks up a Dauntless other than the Dauntless. Fuck your rules, Candor!

[I slammed it under a read more]

The Dauntless rush through the room, throwing their things into bags. A few young Dauntless men cut the sheet away from the door, screaming something about Eric. Someone’s elbow presses me to a wall, and I just stand and watch the pandemonium intensify. 

On the other hand, one thing Candor knows that Dauntless does not is how not to get carried away. 

The Dauntless stand in a semicircle around the interrogation chair, where Eric now sits. 

He looks more dead than alive. He is slumped in the chair, sweat shining on his pale forehead. He stares at Tobias with his head tilted down, so his eyelashes blend into his eyebrows. 

I try to keep my eyes on him, but his smile—how the piercings pull wide when his lips spread—is almost too awful to take. 

“Would you like me to tell you your crimes?” says Tori. “Or would you like to list them yourself?” 

Rain sprays against the side of the building and streams down the walls. We stand in the interrogation room, on the top floor of the Merciless Mart. The afternoon storm is louder here. Every crack of thunder and flash of lightning makes the back of my neck prickle, as if electricity is dancing over my skin. I like the smell of wet pavement. It is faint here, but once this is done, all the Dauntless will storm down the stairs and leave the Merciless Mart behind, and wet pavement will be the only thing I smell. 

We have our bags with us. Mine is a sack made of a sheet and some rope. It contains my clothes and a spare pair of shoes. I wear the jacket I stole from the Dauntless traitor—I want Eric to see it if he looks at me. 

Eric scans the crowd for a few seconds, and then his eyes settle on me. He laces his fingers and sets them—gingerly— on his stomach. 

“I’d like her to list them. Since she’s the one who stabbed me, clearly she is familiar with them.” 

I don’t know what game he’s playing, or what the point of rattling me is, especially now, before his execution. He seems arrogant, but I notice that his fingers tremble when he moves them. Even Eric must be afraid of death. 

“Leave her out of this,” says Tobias. 

“Why? Because you’re doing her?” Eric smirks. “Oh wait, I forgot. Stiffs don’t do that sort of thing. They just tie each other’s shoes and cut each other’s hair.” 

Tobias’s expression does not change. I think I understand: Eric doesn’t really care about me. But he knows exactly where to hit Tobias, and how hard. And one of the places to hit Tobias the hardest is to hit me. This is what I wanted most to avoid: for my rises and falls to become Tobias’s rises and falls. 

That’s why I can’t let him step in to defend me now.

“I want her to list them,” repeats Eric. 

I say, as evenly as possible: “You conspired with Erudite. You are responsible for the deaths of hundreds of Abnegation.” As I go on, I can’t keep my voice steady anymore; I start to spit out the words like venom. “You betrayed Dauntless. You shot a child in the head. You are a ridiculous plaything of Jeanine Matthews.” 

His smile fades. “Do I deserve to die?” he says. 

Tobias opens his mouth to interrupt. 

But I respond before he can. “Yes.” 

“Fair enough.” His dark eyes are empty, like pits, like starless nights. “But do you have the right to decide that, Beatrice Prior? Like you decided the fate of that other boy—what was his name? Will?” 

I don’t answer. I hear my father asking me, “What makes you think you have the right to shoot someone?” as we fought our way to the control room in Dauntless headquarters. He told me there is a right way to do something, and I needed to figure it out. I feel something in my throat, like a ball of wax, so thick I can barely swallow, barely breathe. “You have committed every crime that warrants execution among the Dauntless,” says Tobias. “We have the right to execute you, under the laws of Dauntless.” 

He crouches by the three guns on the floor near Eric’s feet. One by one, he empties the chambers of bullets. They almost jingle as they hit the floor, and then roll, coming to rest against the toes of Tobias’s shoes. He picks up the middle gun and puts a bullet into the first slot. Then he moves the three guns on the floor, around and around, until my eyes can’t follow the middle gun anymore. I lose track of which one holds the bullet. He picks up the guns and offers one to Tori, and another one to Harrison. 

I try to think of the attack simulation, and what it did to the Abnegation. All the gray-clothed innocents lying dead on the street. There weren’t even enough Abnegation left to take care of the bodies, so most of them are probably still there. And that would not have been possible without Eric. I think of the Candor boy, shot without a second’s hesitation, how stiff he was as he hit the ground next to me. Maybe we are not the ones deciding if Eric lives or dies. Maybe he is the one who decided that, when he did all those terrible things. But it’s still hard to breathe. I look at him without malice, without hatred, and without fear. The rings in his face shine, and a lock of dirty hair falls into his eyes. 

“Wait,” he says. “I have a request.” 

“We don’t take requests from criminals,” says Tori. She’s standing on one leg, and has been for the past few minutes. She sounds tired—she probably wants to get this over with so she can sit down again. 

To her this execution is just an inconvenience. “I am a leader of Dauntless,” he says. “And all I want is for Four to be the one who fires that bullet.” 

“Why?” Tobias says. “So you can live with the guilt,” Eric replies. “Of knowing that you usurped me and then shot me in the head.” I think I understand. 

He wants to see people break—has always wanted to, ever since he set up the camera in my execution room when I nearly drowned, and probably long before then. And he believes that if Tobias has to kill him, he will see that before he dies. 

Sick. 

“There won’t be any guilt,” says Tobias. “Then you’ll have no problem doing it.” Eric smiles again. Tobias picks up one of the bullets. 

“Tell me,” says Eric quietly, “because I’ve always wondered. Is it your daddy who shows up in every fear landscape you’ve ever gone through?” Tobias puts the bullet into an empty chamber without looking up. 

“You didn’t like that question?” Eric says. “What, afraid the Dauntless are going to change their minds about you? Realize that even though you’ve only got four fears, you’re still a coward?” 

He straightens in the chair and puts his hands on the armrests. Tobias holds his gun out from his left shoulder. 

“Eric,” he says, “be brave.”

He squeezes the trigger. 

I shut my eyes.

[qqueenofhades]

You're going to think I'm such a weirdo because you're my go-to person for whether particular British monarchs were gay, but I have another question along those lines. Was Queen Anne in a lesbian relationship with Sarah Churchill? And if not, was she gay? I read one book that explained she wasn't "because she hadn't heard of it." Needless to say, I didn't finish it.

Ahaha. We’ve all gotta be known for something, right?

Short answers to both your questions: No and no, but also in both cases sorta, and which reflects a really fascinating entry point into a discussion of the female side of seventeenth/eighteenth-century LGBT culture. (Seriously, guys, the eighteenth century was HELLA GAY. I’ve written about the male side of it, but there is just as much or more to look at from the female. It’s also why you should continue to laugh at Certain Unnamed Persons telling you gay people did not exist before the 1960s.)

Anyway, so, Anne. As girls, both she and her sister Mary (the future Queen Mary II) had a passionate attachment to an older woman, Frances Apsley, and wrote letters to her that reflect this romantic imagining. (p.1648-49). The thirteen-year-old Mary addressed the twenty-two-year-old Frances as “my dearest dear husband” and called herself “your faithful wife, loyal to your bed […] how I dote on you, oh I am in raptures of sweet amaze, when I think of you I am in ecstasy.” In fact, when Anne began her own correspondence with Frances, Mary was jealous of her/seemed to have viewed her sister as a romantic rival for Frances’ affections. In their letters, Anne cast herself and Frances as star-crossed lovers from the play Mithridates, and there was an atmosphere of unabashed hedonism and sexual liberty at the Restoration court of Charles II. The girls were mostly kept away from this, but there were plenty of plays, novels, etc that centered around themes of female same-sex desire. Eighteenth-century English literature (see p. 261-62) had all kinds of exploration of it, and indeed reflects a vernacular for LGBT relationships arguably more detailed than what we have today (if by nature pejorative): “sodomite” and “molly” were the terms for the active and passive partner in a male homosexual relationship, and “sapphic” and “tommy” were the equivalents for a female homosexual relationship. (But of course, I forgot, we didn’t have LGBT people before the 1960s.) 

What Valerie Traub calls “the renaissance of lesbianism in early modern England” wasn’t just a literary phenomenon either. The habit of women sharing beds at all level of society, from working class to noblewomen, and the usually all-female social circle of young women offered a convenient environment for practical explorations of the kind of passionate desire seen above. At least one contemporary commentator had no problem with it (see p. 54) and viewed it in pragmatic terms:

Calling himself “neither their censor nor their husband,” Brantôme maintains that “unmarried girls and widows may be excused for liking such frivolous and vain pleasures and preferring to give themselves to each other thus and so get rid of their heat than to resort to men and be put in the family way and dishonored by them, or to have to get rid of their fruit.” As for the homoerotic exploits of married women: “the men are not cuckolded by it.”

In other words, female same-sex activity might not be optimal, but it’s essentially harmless, preferable to unwanted pregnancies, illicit abortions, or the spoiling of marriage prospects. And since everyone knows (according to bountiful eighteenth-century medical wisdom) that women are “hot” and need to relieve their humors with sex, lesbianism (though it wasn’t yet called that) was fine as an option. This of course was not the only view on it, but it does absolutely make it the case that yes, Anne (and other women of her class and era) would have heard of it. (Seriously, do these Str8 Historians just… assume that nobody ever mentioned same-sex relations/desire/literature, because gay people are “so modern” or… what? I’m baffled. On that note, Emma Donoghue’s “Passions Between Women: British Lesbian Culture 1668-1801″ is also a recommended read.)

Anyway, back to Anne and Mary themselves. It’s highly unlikely that their ardor toward Frances Apsley ever went beyond letters, and Mary did not have another relationship with a woman of the same intensity; after a very rocky start to her 1677 marriage to William of Orange, she fell quickly in love with him and devoted herself to him. However, Anne continued to have the same sort of passionate attachments to women, including that to Sarah Jennings, later Lady Churchill, the Duchess of Marlborough. Sarah is a fascinating historical lady for many reasons, and through her relationship with Anne over several decades, was able to exert considerable influence and prestige. She was a strong-willed, well educated, politically ambitious, and formidable woman, and I think the assessment of her relationship with Anne in the Oxford Dictionary of National Biography (login needed for full text) is essentially correct:

Anne wasemotionally vulnerable and always depended very much upon her near circle offriends; Sarah wasthe closest of these. Anne wasromantically, but platonically, in love with Sarah, who, for her part, understood very well theimmense value of her relationship with the princess. So close did Anne feel to Sarah that from about 1691 she insisted thatthe aliases Mrs Morley and Mrs Freeman be used between them, to overcomeany undue feeling of formality when in private. Although Sarah eventually found the princess’sattentions irritating in their childlike ardour, she responded with genuineaffection, but not with love. She later wrote that she had little in commonwith Anne; she usedher periods of exclusion from the court to widen her reading, including Shakespeare, Dryden, Milton, Montaigne, and Seneca, whereas Anne remained stubbornly non-intellectual. Nonethe less, their political interdependence and genuine affection kept theirpersonal relationship alive.

I would say in my view this is about right. Anne was definitely in love with her, while Sarah liked her, but saw the overall value in being attached to the princess (later queen). They fell out over differing political opinions (Sarah was a Whig, Anne was a Tory) and both had devoted relationships with their husbands. Sarah’s was John Churchill, Duke of Marlborough, the statesman, political player, and hero of the War of Spanish Succession, and Anne’s was Prince George of Denmark. Sarah and Churchill had seven children, while Anne had at least seventeen pregnancies by George, but only one living son (William, Duke of Gloucester, who died at the age of eleven).

George has generally gotten a bad rap as a total unambitious dullard, and there has been some attempt to portray Anne and Sarah as lovers while Anne was unavoidably saddled with George and only kept having sex with him in hopes of a Stuart heir, which I think is both inaccurate and unfair to George. He had almost no political ambition at all and was absolutely happy to let his wife rule and be queen and to support her decisions, which was the reverse of Anne’s sister Mary and her husband William (Anne’s immediate predecessors). William refused to let Mary be crowned as sole queen, even though Mary and Anne were both daughters of James II and the hereditary right was Mary’s (for her part, Mary refused to countenance rulership without William and never wanted it much, but accepted it in the name of the Protestant cause/saving England from Catholic monarchy under her father). So by the time of Anne’s reign (1702-1714) it was still not at all negotiated how exactly a new (female) constitutional monarch, post-1689 and Bill of Rights, would rule by herself, but Anne did pretty much that. She didn’t have constitutional strife, she took England from the chaos and civil/religious wars/Commonwealth/etc of the seventeenth to its emergence as a major world power in the eighteenth, and George was a-okay with all of this. He declared that “I am her Majesty’s subject, I will do naught but what she commands me,” and they adored each other. George’s death in 1708 absolutely devastated Anne and was one of the reasons that snapped her fraught relationship with Sarah, as one observer wrote:

[George’s death] has flung the Queen into an unspeakable grief.She never left him till he was dead, but continued kissing him the very momenthis breath went out of his body, and ‘twas with a great deal of difficulty my Lady Marlborough prevailedupon her to leave him.

Sarah and Anne’s relationship had been steadily deteriorating over political differences, Sarah’s domineering personality, and Anne’s affection for a new female favorite, Abigail Masham. Indeed, Anne’s Whig opponents (and Sarah herself) fanned rumors that Anne and Abigail’s relationship was that of lovers, including by scandalous poetry (see pp. 157-8):

Whenas Queen Anne of great RenownGreat Britain’s Sceptre sway’dBesides the Church, she dearly lov’dA Dirty Chamber-Maid….

As Traub points out, Sarah’s accusations are more likely motivated by jealousy at losing her position as favorite to Abigail, and Anne herself never forgave Sarah for insinuating lesbianism (as in the physical act of it, rather than romantic feelings) in their relationship. Again as Traub comments: “It was the result of a transformation in discourse, whereas intimate female friends, including matronly monarchs with seventeen pregnancies behind them, could be interpreted as purveyors of sexual vice.” In other words, the accusations flung at Elizabeth I, the woman ruling alone in the late 16th-early 17th century, had been that she had inappropriate male lovers; now the charges against Anne, a century later, were of inappropriate female lovers, and reflected, as discussed above, the emergence of this entire construction and visibility of same-sex female desire. Accusations or intimations of homosexuality were nothing new to the Stuarts; both William and Mary (especially William) had been painted as having inappropriately intimate same-gender relationships, and William’s Jacobite enemies had likewise gotten considerable mileage out of pamphlets portraying him as a “sodomite.” (Which, again, they had political reasons to do, so there is that, but it’s fascinating, if unfortunate, that this had now become the preferred currency of political slander, as that was not necessarily the case before).

Overall, Anne certainly had strong emotional relationships to women for her entire life, and in some cases, those relationships were accused of being explicitly sexual (reflecting a culture that was, as noted, really hella gay for both women and men, and this gayness was both accepted and reviled in turn) but for the benefit of her enemies (Sarah’s unflattering depiction of Anne was basically accepted as fact until the late 20th century). So in one sense, Anne and Sarah were in a long relationship that ended badly, and Anne was absolutely biromantic. Sex (or the lack of it) is not the only defining marker of a relationship, but if we mean a lesbian relationship in the modern sense of the word (where they are both romantic and sexual partners) then no. Anne and George were known for being devoted and faithful to each other (as noted, not at all the norm in the Stuart court) and Anne’s seventeen pregnancies make it clear they had sex throughout their marriage. Anne herself took the accusation of physical lesbianism with Abigail Masham as an unforgivable slight on Sarah’s part; i.e. the feelings or the rhetoric were acceptable to her, but the action was not. We have no reason to think she was being a hypocrite about this, or willfully concealing/ignoring it. Because, surprise! People’s attitudes and identities toward sexuality are complicated and shifting and partial and evolving, and conditioned by class, time, place, religion, society, etc.

Anyway, since this is another novel: we could definitely classify Anne as queer in the modern definition (having romantic feelings/romantic-if chaste-involvements with women, but lovingly and faithfully married to her husband who was her sexual partner), but probably not actively and certainly not exclusively lesbian. She was traditional in her views and devoted to the Protestant church (and to George), so yes. I would classify her as biromantic with a preference for/sexual activity with men, but whose long relationships with women were both politically and personally influential and absolutely deserve attention within the context of eighteenth-century LGBT history and literature.

[jarpadandjensenaremyheroes]

The Little Princess: Chapter 6

A/n-Full disclosure, I was in a mood when I wrote this, so there’s lots more swearing in the next two parts than what I normally write. I got impatient. I didn’t know that was even possible to do with your own work! I couldn’t continue with the story line any more where it was at, so I decided to skip around a little bit. Things should stabilize after this. I hope. Sorry for the cliffhanger (but not really) Chapter 7 is already written though, and if I’m able to get chapter 8 done today, I will post chapter 7 tonight!

Word count: 2,572

Warnings: BABY FEELS, lots of swearing, ANGST, I think that’s it? Let me know if I missed anything!

Chapter summary: 9 months after Dean watches reader in the park, some discoveries come to light for Sam and Dean.

Characters: Reader, OFC Mary, OFC Topri, OMC James, Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester, Castiel

Need to catch up? HERE is the Masterlist!

Chapter 6

9 months later, Y/N’s POV

“Come on, you can do it Mary! Come see mama!”

You, James, and Tori were all three sitting on your living room floor, watching Mary’s chubby little legs try to take steps. You all had tears in your eyes, and where as giddy as teenagers getting their first kiss.

“James please tell me you’re taking a video!” Tori’s voice was a little wobbly with emotion.

“Of course! I wanna remember our little Mary’s first steps forever and ever!”

You couldn’t do anything except grin at the thought of having these wonderful people in your life who loved Mary as much as you did. And she loved them. Just then, your daughter took 7 steps towards you and promptly fell into your lap with a fit of giggles. Tori frantically waved her hands around as she squealed, and James just grinned like a mad man. All three of you had tears of joy and pride rolling down your cheeks. You couldn’t help the tears. It was such a special moment, and although you were so damn proud of your little girl, you were also feeling guilty. Dean should be here for these moments…

“James, could you please send me the video? I’d love to have it for my own.”

“Already done, my dear,” he said with a wink.

One day, I’ll have all these moments to share with him. Maybe one day we can share them with more children.

You couldn’t let go of the hope you had. It was stupid, because hoping for this outcome in an impossible situation wouldn’t do any good. But the hope was all you had left…

Dean’s POV

Nine whole months, and I hadn’t figured out anything. No birth certificate for the kid, no records of any hospital stays for Y/N; she was really covering her tracks, and really didn’t want anyone knowing about the little girl.

Everyone I tried to call in favors with couldn’t get anywhere near her. The warding and protection on the house was too strong. The smart ass had even warded against reapers! Not even Tessa could help. Although she came back to me looking like the cat who ate the canary. Just a simple, “Sorry Deano, I can’t help you. The warding is too powerful.” And then poof; she was gone.

I had managed to keep Sam in the dark about it all. As far as he knew, Y/N had just disappeared. He still worried about her from time to time, bringing her up at dinner or over drinks at a bar. I just told him that Cas checks on her for us, and lets me know that she’s okay and alive. He didn’t need to know the other details, and what information I did give him, seemed to be satisfying enough.

Sam snapped his fingers in front of my face. “Earth to Dean!”

“What dude?”

“Are you okay man? You’ve been pretty out of it lately. What’s going on?”

“Nothin’ Sammy. Just restless I guess. We’ve been sitting on our hands for two weeks now; I wanna get out there and gank somethin’.”

“Well if you had been paying attention, you would have heard me tell you that I found us a case. Looks like a couple demons.”

“Awesome! Let’s go! Where’s this at?”

“Orlando, Florida.”

I choked on my coffee. Maybe I could pop in on her. She did always say if we were near Orlando… “Alright, let’s go then,” I said as I dropped some cash on the table for the waitress. Suddenly I didn’t care about getting her in bed. I just wanted to get to Orlando and kill this demon or demons, and go see the love of my life. Maybe I can convince her to come home…

16 hours later, we had made it to Orlando. I hadn’t slept a wink, but I didn’t feel tired at all. I just wanted to go to her. I wanted to fix all this as soon as possible. Not until it’s safe, Dean. Not until the threat is gone. With that one simple thought, all I could think of was killing the damn things so I could go to her. Now.

“Dean come on man, I know you want to kill something, but I’m exhausted. You didn’t want to stop on the way here, and I need to sleep. YOU need to sleep. Otherwise we’re gonna end up dead and a great big help to nobody. Alright? So please, just sleep.”

Sam doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t know that I won’t be able to sleep until this thing is done. That I won’t be able to sleep without seeing her first. Maybe I’ll take Sammy along this time too. Cas said he can’t even go in the yard, so we won’t be taking him. But Sam deserves to know that she is okay.

As I laid there in bed, I couldn’t help but think of her. Her gorgeous y/c/e eyes, and long y/c/h hair that curled softly against her face and back, and the way her smile lit up a room. The way her laugh could bring joy to even a deaf man, and the way she loved so fiercely. I know she loved me; at least at some point. I don’t know what I did to screw that up, but I’m going to fix it. I’m going to do whatever it takes to get her back.

I continued my walk down memory lane with Y/N, and soon I had relaxed enough to fall asleep. And for the first time in a very long time, I didn’t have any nightmares. I slept through the night with no interruptions.

I woke up in the morning with a start, surprised to see the sun filtering in through the yellowed curtains of the motel window. “Sam? Why the hell did you let me sleep so long?”

“Dude. I tried to wake you, but it was like trying to wake sleeping beauty. Only in this little fairy tale, it’s the sleeping ogre.”

“Ugh. Whatever. I’m getting breakfast, and then we’re heading out. We got us some demons to find.”

Y/N’s POV

“Okay, you know where all her stuff is, and her food is in the pantry and fridge. I labeled it all, so there’s no confusion and searching while she screams. She loves her food, ya know.” Just like her daddy. “You have my number, so call if you have any questions whatsoever. I’ll keep my phone on me at all ti-“

“Y/N!” James cut you off; the sudden noise in the usually quite calm environment made you jump. “We’re gonna be just fine. I’ve taken care of her dozens of times now. Just because you’re spending the whole night away doesn’t mean anything. Mary will be just fine. I promise you. And you’re only going to be 30 minutes away. Go, have fun please. You deserve it.”

You smiled softly, knowing James was right. You had checked all the warding and protection on the house at least half a dozen times before James had shown up. Everything was still in place. You even sent a prayer to Cas letting him know you would be away from Mary for the night, and that if anything should happen, he was to zap you to her immediately, no questions asked. He sent you back a message in your head somehow.

You have my word, Y/N. I told you I would always keep watch over both of you, and I intend to keep doing just that. She will be safe.

You’d have to ask him one day how he does that. And why he had never done it before when you and the boys prayed to him.

With one last look at your daughter and James, you turned to leave the house. In your purse, you had packed one of your tiny handguns. But this time, you loaded it with Devil’s trap bullets; a nifty trick Sammy taught you.

You and Tori had this night planned out for months so you couldn’t cancel on her now. The papers and news crews all claimed a crazed killer, possibly serial killer, but you knew better. Each of the 3 victims so far had their throats slit with ‘an extremely sharp and rare’ blade. And there are 2 others missing. Everyone who reported or worked at the crime scenes claimed it smelled like rotten eggs. Demons. You didn’t want to cancel on Tori, and she didn’t see the danger of going into town. You tried to convince her that you two could just stay closer to home and it would be just as much fun, but she wasn’t having any of it. So, off to Orlando you went. You almost called Bobby to see if he could dispatch someone down here to take care of the problem, but you didn’t want to bug anyone. Someone would be along shortly to take care of it.

There was another reason you were nervous though. While hunting with the brothers, you had become almost as notorious as they had. Except to the monsters, you were “The Winchester’s and their little Whore.” Not exactly how you wanted to be known, but whatever. You killed them all in the end anyways. Demons were especially bad though. Over the years, there had been some that smoked out of their meatsuits and got away. They knew your face, your name, and if they ever found you again, they would kill you. Or worse, they would hurt Mary…

You tried not to think these thoughts though. You wanted to at least try to have a good time with your best friend. The odds of running into a demon were super slim anyways. Orlando was big enough, you’d be fine. You didn’t think you would run into anyone you knew, but apparently fate had other plans. You saw them before they saw you luckily; and managed to grab Tori and steer her away from the situation.

“Tori, someone I know from my past is here at this bar, and I really don’t want to be in there. Can we please go somewhere else? I promise I will make it up to you, I just…I-I can’t be in there…”

Tori wore a look of bewilderment on her face. “Y/N, are you serious?” All you could do was nod your head. You really didn’t want to see Sam and Dean.

“Okay okay. Clearly you’re freaked out by this person, so I won’t push the topic right now. But in the morning, when we’re sober, you are going to tell me about whoever it is. Got it?” You nodded your head again in response. “You’re just lucky I had bar hopping planned woman,” she added with a devious smirk.

“You know I haven’t had any form of alcohol since I got pregnant. Are you trying to kill me? I mean, I’m probably gonna have 1 beer and fall over babe!”

Her grin grew at that. “I forgot to tell you…we have one rule for the night. No wine or beer.”

“Well, I’m drinking soda! I have no intentions of killing my liver in one night.”

“Yeah…there’s no soda or water either unless you drink it alongside the alcohol. That’s rule number two.”

“Holy shit Tori. You’re actually going to kill me tonight. You want my little Mary that badly?” you teased her.

“Oh shit! You caught me! Whatever will I do for a genius plan now, Mr. Roadrunner?”

“Well you’re not taking my daughter!” You feigned shock as you started running away.

With that you both burst out laughing, accidentally drawing the attention of some people in the streets. And since you were actually enjoying yourself, you didn’t notice the man who had come rushing out of the bar behind you. And he had heard the whole conversation.

Dean’s POV

“Sammy! Where you goin’? We just got here!”

“I just…I thought I saw someone. I’ll be right back. I promise.”

Sam practically ran out of the bar. “What the hell has gotten into him?” Maybe he saw another Jess look alike. Poor kid. I continued nursing my whiskey, still thinking of Y/N. I was jerked out of my thoughts as Sam came back in. He had a look on his face that was a mixture of confusion and shock. That can’t be good…

“Dude…I just saw Y/N.”

My breath caught in my throat. “Uh…yeah…I was uhh-I was gonna surprise you with a visit to her once we finished the case. But she lives about 30 minutes away, so I figured we could go see her once the case was all wrapped up. She’s out now, so she doesn’t want us coming around unless we’re trouble free.”

“You…Dean how…You knew she was here??? And you didn’t think to tell me?!” His voice was laced with anger.

“Yeah Sam. She didn’t want anyone to know where she is. She’s out, and she wants it to stay that way. She doesn’t want trouble showing up on her doorstep all the time, and for a very good reas-”

“Yeah, like the fact that she has a kid? Named Mary, I might add.”

I sputtered on my drink after slamming it down on the bar top. “The kid’s name is Mary?” I couldn’t manage anything above a whisper; partially because of the whiskey in my lungs, but mostly because of the feeling of being punched in the gut.

“Yeah Dean, the kid’s name is Mary. Just like mom.”

“Why the hell would she name her daughter Mary?” I said, almost to myself. That awful gut feeling was back. “CAS get your feathered ass down here right now or so help me-”

“What is it you need so urgently Dean, I am busy watching over someone else.”

“Does that someone happen to be named Mary?”

“I…Dean it’s…complicated…”

“Oh yeah, it’s so complicated Cas. Who is Mary’s father?”

“I cannot divulge that information Dean.”

“God dammit Cas tell me right the fuck now!”

“Dean I-” Cas sighed. “You should go talk to Y/N. She is at a bar called Cheers. It’s just up the street. Be cautious though, her friend does not know who you are or the life that Y/N had with you both. For what it’s worth, she is hurting very badly in this situation. She misses you both very much…”

“Sam, I need to talk to Y/N. Alone, please.”

“Of course Dean. I’ll go wait by Baby. Call me if you need me, or if you go anywhere. Alright?”

“Yeah whatever. See you soon.”

I took off down the street at a furious pace, hoping that my speed will help diminish the rage in my body. I made it to the bar in less than 5 minutes, and spotted her almost immediately. As I strode towards her, I heard her laugh. God damn that laugh. I want to be so mad at her right now, but I feel my anger melting away the closer I get. This woman does things to me.

Her friend was facing my direction and must have seen me coming. The smile slowly faded from her face as she said something to Y/N quickly; but I was quicker. I grabbed her shoulder and spun her around to face me as she let out a little squeak of surprise. Her friend stood there with a shocked look on her face.

“Hey dollface. We need to talk right now.”

@petrovadixon

@quackerstheduck663057

[deathbyvalentine]

Slayers Prompts:

(Pre- Social)

Baking Up a Storm  The kitchen was filled with delicate white clouds of icing sugar and flour. It coated his dark hair, making it look almost as if it had been snowing on the boy. Throughout the house the smell of sweet baking permeated. Cupcakes dripped with white icing on drying racks. The oven hummed with heat. He took out a pan full of brownies with oven gloves, depositing them next to the other two trays and three cakes.

Tommy was not someone that dealt with sustained stress well. So he ignored it, bottling it up and shelving it next to his anger and pessimism, never to escape. But it had to express somehow. And this was usually by taking care of others. Making sure they were fed and comforted.

He knew Michael would have been being worn down to the bone, recovering from the chaos magic that had corrupted his blood and venturing into the labyrinth. And as well as being soothed by the act of baking, he wanted to let him know he cared. That he didn’t owe someone, that there was someone looking out for him.

Oddly, unbidden, an image came to him of Olerin, bringing his master food when candles had burnt down to their holders, in a room full of maps and paper. He had loved Michael, that much was obvious, but how did he care for him? Or was it the other way around. Was the apprentice the one who needed reminders that his health too was important?

Carefully, Tommy boxed up some of the brownies. Luckily, he didn’t need taking care of.

Chaotic Bitchiness

This was objectively, fucking ridiculous.

He was twenty one. Why was he standing, alone,  in the corridor of a party he had been invited to, with tears dripping down his nose, desperate to go home? He felt younger than he had done in years. He sniffed, furiously, wiping tears from his face with the sleeve of his softest jumper. 

He was reminded of what mums in kid’s programs say. That if they make you feel bad, they’re not really your friends. But they were the closest thing to friends he had, and he wasn’t likely to get any more, was he? So he had to swallow it down, and stop acting like a child. If Tori and Lydia knew they had upset him, they would only sink in their teeth more. They didn’t like weakness apparently, and it poured off him like water. 

He took a few deep steadying breaths. He clenched his hands tightly and released them again, an old technique for managing pain. He dipped into the bathroom to check his face in the mirror - his eyes a little red, his cheeks a little splotchy, but not noticeably. Not if you weren’t looking for it.

“You’re fine.” He murmured to the mirror, looking at the white of the porcelain sink. “You’re fine.”

Who’s The Lyre Now? It was one of the unfortunate days when he had to go outside to the shop. Usually Jones kept them well supplied in milk and bread, picking up a few things on her way back from work, but she had been working so late the past few days, the corner shop had been shut. And Tommy Madding could work without a lot of things, but he could not work without tea. So he put on his boots, and put on his hat, and braved the outside world.

All told, it was quite pleasant. The sun was shining gently, with the wind providing a cooling breeze. Birds were singing, and flowers were starting to bloom, sprinkling patches of grass with riotous colour. He liked walking too - feeling strength in his limbs and spine was still novel, despite it being two years since he had lacked it. 

So when he had retrieved the milk (and a bar of chocolate for Jones, in case it had been a hard day), he didn’t feel the need to retreat home right away. The strip of shops was still empty enough he didn’t feel overwhelmed. He walked on, following his fancy into a charity shop.

He loved charity shops. He loved the jumpers there, the sense of age that hung off so many items. He liked imagining what the person who had owned the trinkets he had. Sometimes, recently, if he held them in his hand and closed his eyes, and focused, he swore he could feel something of them. But maybe not.

The shop was cool, dust motes gently sprinkling through the air, the room devoid of any bustle from the streets. It was cluttered and beautiful, ran by an older lady who usually insisted on pinching Tommy’s cheeks, though this was not as unusual an occurrence as one might expect. There were shelves of yellowing books, tables filled with broken jewelry, little boxes full of trinkets that were precious once. 

He nodded to the owner, and traced his usual circuit around the shop, trailing his fingers along the surfaces, gathering dust on his skin. He saw it peeping out of a box, a small corner of the polished wood catching the sun. He crouched, and with careful hands, pulled it out and dusted it off.

A lyre sat, innocently. All it’s strings intact, unchipped and unblemished. It was unusual in colour - not dark or light brown, but jet black, with the detail being in shining gold. It felt right in his hands, like it fitted perfectly. When he plucked at it experimentally, the note was pure and fresh. He took it up to the counter, not even noticing until he got to the desk that a necklace had caught on the bag that had been tucked under it. A triskele. He frowned. He didn’t believe in coincidences. 

“How much for these two?”

Emails

*Ping* Tommy looked up blearily from his bed. His laptop sat on his bedside drawers, glowing in the half-light of the evening. He hadn’t expected Lydia to reply back so quickly - he always messaged her with the assumption she had to get to civilization first. He used to get a lot of emails; all his friends being online sort of caused that. But since real life had taken over, he had been on his chatroom less, and he had gotten less emails.

He sat up, pulling it over and onto his lap. And blinked.

‘A Friend.’ Address not saved in his address book, no subject line. After reading it, for ten glorious minutes, he thought it was Him. And then he realised the irregularities in the text, the way A had never communicated with anything but dreams or letters. His face coloured pink, and he shot back another email.

*Ping.* So began his days. His days of waiting for the next, pouring his heart and soul into every one. The stranger seemed to care about him, and asked questions about /him/. They didn’t want anything from him, they didn’t make fun of him. And they told good stories, even if they cut so close to the bone Tommy had to check if he was bleeding. He didn’t want them to stop, even as growing unease bloomed along his skin like poisonous flowers. Nobody else could understand how it made him feel. They would tear it apart.

So for a little while, he kept it a secret. He wanted something he didn’t have to share. Something that was just his.

(Post Social)

Mask/Ecstasy 

His heart pounded and he could hear drumming in his ears. He felt vital, he felt alive, he felt like his body had found a purpose other than existing. Every touch was heightened, every sense changed. He was out of his mind, but closer to his body. 

Oh, and closer to Lydia too. How could this not be worship? This was as holy as fasting, as denial. Many holiness was all in the absolutes - the yes or the no, the deities they loved were just on other ends of the spectrum. He loved her with his whole heart then, because he finally understood her. He had been inching closer to understanding for a while now, but this was a part of her you couldn’t learn from observing.

The MDMA made him realise how much he adored everyone earlier, how much he valued each life above his own, how much he would give for all of them. It didn’t feel good. It felt like a wound he couldn’t heal down the middle of his chest. Because he couldn’t save all of them, and he would watch nearly all of them die, in one way or another. How do any of them bear it? How could the mortals stand to be so, feeling their cells rot and decay constantly? How were they all not as determined not to die as he was?

Lydia touched his hand, and he jolted himself out of the spiraling thoughts, and danced with her. And thought of her patron, and his masks. And how Tommy wished he was here too, so he could see how beautiful she was. He could see Jones watching them, expression unfathomable. A pang of guilt then. He was doing wrong, somehow. 

But just once, just once, he didn’t want to have to think or worry or be cautious or be good. He just wanted to be. Did that make him bad? Did it make him awful? He would pray for all the forgiveness he needed. But honestly? Lydia needed someone right now. And there was nothing worse than not being there for a friend.

Physical/Touch/Flirt

He woke up, covered in sweat. His breath elevated. His heart jumping. His mind guilty. He knew what he had been dreaming about. 

‘- fingers trailing across his skin, a soft and insistent mouth on his, fingertips pressing into his hips just short of hard enough to bruise - ‘

He needed a cold shower. 

He wasn’t sure when he had started craving this. Not just sexual forms of contact, though holy hell that had hit him like a freight train. No. He just wanted physical affection. He wanted arms around him, hair touching, holding hands, kissing, oh gosh, so much kissing. He would like the first things from friends, and so much more from Asclepius. But even the first things might cause jealousy he knew. He got a pang of guilt whenever he needed anything from someone else, let alone this stuff.

After the shower, he reread the letter, tracing the offending line with his finger. Could it mean what he thought it meant? He couldn’t imagine himself ever being an object of desire. He was gawky looking, always awkward, covered in scars from various surgeries, and didn’t know how to hold himself. He hid in jumpers that swamped his shape, hid his curls in hats, his face behind glasses he didn’t even need anymore. A was a God. Why would he want him like that?

He groaned, flopping back onto his bed. He could do without this delayed puberty bullshit. First, the does he like me or like like me. Then the social awkwardness at parties. Now, the being bloody terrified and curious and desperate all at the same time about sex. He had never felt like this towards anyone before - there had only ever been him. He didn’t even get crushes growing up. 

What now? Everyone said he should talk to him. But what if he was wrong, and Asclepius thought badly of him? Even thinking of saying the words out loud made him flush and his stutter ramp up to a hundred. No. It was settled. He wouldn’t bring it up first.

Teeth

It hurt in a way he had never felt before, rendering him almost curious. Her teeth sunk into his arm and suddenly blood started pouring. It would heal in five minutes. No scar would remain. Nothing to remind him this happened.

Just this memory of Lydia with blood on her teeth and wine in her hand. Just this memory of dancing with her, with drugs rushing through his system like stardust. This was a ritual, he realised now, with a dull shock that didn’t seem so very important. For him, but for her as well. They was drugs, there was music, and now there was blood. Witch blood. 

He wondered if Dionysus felt this somewhere. Felt that he had bled for him, drank for him, danced for him. He hoped he felt the weight of his care and knew Lydia was not the only ally he had in this strange world, so different from the ancient.

High/Attic Room

When he wanted to feel at home, he went to his and Jones’s place. When he wanted to be alone, he went to Tori’s house.

He had slightly fallen in love with the lonliness of the place. An old victorian townhouse, complete with slightly peeling paint and a wild garden, where ivy crept over stone, and it whispered in the wind. You could feel the history in the bones of the place. In the sullen twilight, walking on talkative floorboards, he felt like a ghost, haunting the still-empty rooms.

His house was the attic room made habitable. The windows had been fixed so they no longer whistled, and the radiators repaired so he wouldn’t freeze in winter. He could hear people coming up the narrow stairs, he could lock the door, he could keep himself occupied. 

Right now, alone time was all he desired. His skin felt too tight around others, and he currently had a tendency towards distraction and losing the thread of conversations. He sent his emails, he wrote his rituals, and he had fleeting meetings with other members of SSBC. 

That’s why the sleepover caught him so very unawares. He looked around in mild bewilderment, clutching his milkshake and blanket close to him. Lydia had her head in his lap while she idly threw popcorn at Bloom. Nate lounging on a chair, swapping swigs of whiskey with Angela. Jacob sat on the floor offering surprisingly insightful commentary on Lord Of The Rings. 

Did these people like him? Were they just bored? Either way, a bit of a warm flicker flared in his chest as he settled back against the wall, starting to pet Lydia’s hair. This, this type of social he could do.

“I’m fine.”

He wasn’t fine. All his friends were going to die, or be unhappy, or be harmed in some way that stuck with them. He was in a coma, his boyfriend was never around, and he was getting emails from someone who knew him more than he knew himself. His visions were getting more and more graphic, and could kill him at any moment apparently. Apollo still couldn’t remember who he was, Dionysus was still mortal, and he hadn’t talked to Loki in months.

The world was going to be filled with an all manner of horrors if he didn’t fix it soon, he wasn’t clever enough or quick enough or brave enough. The curse could come back at any moment and he could be coughing up blood, his twin still hated him, his parents were still oblivious. Jones worked too hard, Lydia loved too hard, Tori hated too hard, Zac lied too hard and Daniel was the one sane man amongst them. 

He felt a moment away from greatness or a moment away from breaking, and the needle was swinging towards the latter as every day got harder and harder.

But he couldn’t tell anybody this.

They had enough to worry about.

“This is what’s real.”

He jolted awake into his darkened bedroom, and did his usual checks. Breathing - elevated but fine. Temperature - elevated but fine. He could move his fingers and toes, he could sit up, he could see clearly, his hands weren’t shaking. The room was not white, there was no noise other than the ticking of the clock, and his mother was not beside his bed.

He had not woken up yet.

Slowly, he lay back down, heart rate calming. A hand went to the bedside drawer and found a letter. Even though he had only had it a few weeks, it was beginning to look worn from reading and rereading. 

It didn’t help in terms of his sense of reality. But it reminded him that it was better not to wake up. That everything he ever wanted was within this dream.

Plaster

The bramble caught his cheek, and drew a thin, dangerous line of blood. Shocked, Tommy raised his fingers to the warmth, and blinked at the scarlet he found on his fingertips. This patch of land really didn’t want him here. The bad feeling permeated everything, even the soil. But he wouldn’t be frightened away. He stared at the two yew trees tangled together and with a small flump, sat down and began to sketch them.

His feet had brought him here somewhat accidentally. He was of the belief that if you wanted to know a place’s history, look at it’s graveyards. And he had learnt something. Heywater’s troubled past was not easily hidden. A second motive had encouraged him too. He found graveyards uniquely comforting. After his condition, they were an avoided promise, a debt not yet paid. It kept him from spending too much time studying too, the frequent walking breaks.

He couldn’t wait for winter, when his knitwear and jumpers would cease to be something of note, and the temperature would be comfortable. Right now he was uncommonly hot and bothered, and the heat from his wounded cheek didn’t help. In five minutes, it would be healed, Asclepius’s blessing removing even the hint of a scar. But he still put on a plaster, carefully following instructions Jones had told him about never touching the bandage part.

It had Superman on it, and it made him feel a little braver in this hostile place.

Apprentice

He loved Michael with a fierceness that surprised even him. It was a love that wanted him to be better, wanted him to stop disappointing him. His main disappointment came from his inability to share, to trust, to let someone else have a little of the burden. He wanted to scream at him sometimes - to let him help, that he wasn’t a child, that he wasn’t breakable.

A smaller part thought that he would be better going into the labyrinth. Michael had so many that cared for him and so much skill the world still needed. He was small and insignificant in a way Michael was not. And if they stripped it down to the bare bones of the matter, Tommy did not want his mantle. He wanted him not to die.

He came up with a hundred plans and schemes to prevent it, none that would work, but all he would try. Talking to his staff, talking to the others, magical wards or tricks - but then Jones would have the same problem.

No matter what he chose, he chose wrong. And he hated it. He hated feeling powerless and alone and out of his depth when a job was pushed into his hands that he had to accept, but hadn’t the skill for. But an apprentice had to learn, and he supposed he was going to learn fast. He hoped Michael was a good teacher.

He remembered Olerin’s face and knew he was.

[marillian-flowers]

On Grenfell Tower

Normally I don’t write on political themes. But Grenfell is hunting me since last wednesday, so I want to put my thoughts in some order. I’m really angry and sad. Sad for all the victims, the living and the dead. And angry with all the governmental guys and rich men.

For me it’s unbelievable that things like this happen in a modern London. The lack of fire safety concerns me a lot. No fire alarms, no sprinklers, only one staircase. It’s a trap, isn’t it? I’m lucky to live in Germany, we have very high standards for tower blocks higher than 22 metres. And the rest of Europe made jokes about our fire safety! Also I cannot totally understand the advice ‘stay put’. With a little fire it might work, but with a cladding, that burns like a bonfire? They could have also said ‘stay put and die’. And it’s unbelievable when you get to know that a fire proof cladding would have cost 2 £ more per square meter. 5000 £ more for the whole building! I mean where did they blow up the 10 million for the refurbishment? Did they went to restaurants and hotels, or what?

And it’s ridiculous that nobody totally know who is alive, who is missing or dead. There should be lists, the people pay their rent. Why does nobody know? Very understandable that the people marched to Kensington council to demand answers.

And where was Theresa May? Is there no one who tells her it would be necessary to visit the victims? Or is she really that ice-cold? Why did Corbyn came, why the Queen? For them it was safe enough! And the PM has safety concers! How can she sleep well? How can everyone sleep well involved in this incident?

There are few people really caring for the victims. The pictures with Corbyn caressing a woman were heartbeaking. The community cares for themselves but not the people who are responsible for them like the councillors or the PM. Okay, they may be poor but they even need more help. Didn’t they watch the huge amount of videos where victims share their stories? I had tears in my eyes. But it’s wonderful to see that a lot of inhabitants donated clothes, food and money and that there are so many volunteering to help. I think such situations bring everyone closer together.

For London and all the people concerned by Grenfell I hope the very, very best. Not only that they recover by time but also get all the answers they need. Get new and better flats and maybe that there will be someday a change from Tories to Labour. Here in Germany I voted for our liberal party and my boyfriend says that with this point of view I should support the PM. But my heart goes with the Labours. I don’t know any programs they set up in GB but I hope that they will get a louder voice. I hope that we know soon more about Grenfell and also Finsbury which also was a terrible attack. Therefore each day I check the twitter hashtags eager to find some good or bad news. And I think this will stay for a while with me.

Sorry, but I had to write this down. Thanks go out to the really good Guardian’s live stream which I followed in the days after Grenfell. And to the whole twitter community sharing their stories so even here in Germany I have the feeling as if I were live following you guys through the streets. Be strong!

[shrugman]

all of them ily facetime me

I’m half a bottle of wine in so this is the perfect time to answer this

1. Name: Michelle Bair

2. Birthplace: some airforce base in virginia 

3. Ancestry: general European, Scottish, and Native American

4. Zodiac Sign: Capricorn

5. Biggest fear: Abandonment 

6. Strength/Weakness: For the most part I’m pretty honest / I can’t make decisions if they impact other people

7. Worst habit: braiding and unbraiding my hair / shaking my leg

8. Favorite holiday: Halloween  

9. Ever been in a car crash: thankfully, no

10. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher: Paul omg

11. What do you do as soon as you walk in the house: drop whatever bag I’m holding

12. Age at first kiss: 14? Idk whatever the second half of 8th grade was

13. When did you fall in love for the first time: when I was 15

14. Who Is Your Longest Friend & How Long: Stephanie is my ride or die for like 11 years. Like literally I’d die without her I love her so much 

15. Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: pump that GPA up a bit

16. What were you doing at midnight last night: trying (failing) to sleep

17. When was the last time you laughed hard: earlier when I was telling Stephanie a story about my dad

18. Who was the last person that told you they love you: My dad 

19. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up yesterday morning: idk man probably a generic sound of unhappy

20. Where did you go for your first date and who was it with: I don’t even know because like what actually counts as a date?

21. Who’s wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen: never happened

22. Who did you see in concert first: Jimmy Buffet I shit you not

23. Who was your favorite teacher: Paul

24. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day: I text Stephanie 

25. Who do you think about most: probably Stephanie 

26. Is your ideal occupation? Optometrist 

27. Beer, wine, or liquor? liquor 

28. Favourite restaurant?  Saizeriya (it’s in Japan)

29. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Vanilla with cherry 

30. McDonlads or Burger King? McDonalds 

31. Fantasy dinner guest(s)? Kate McKinnon 

32. Have you ever been drunk? When was the last time? I’m like tipsy rn so? now? idk

33. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done drunk? honestly I don’t even known

34. Wonder Woman or Cat Woman? Wonder? idk

35. How many pets do you have? a single dog

36. What would be the first thing you bought if you won the lottery? idk something stupid like some cheese 

37. When was the first time you smoked? Like a cigarette? Never. Weed? Sometime last fall when I went camping 

38. Who last sent you a text? Stephanie 

39. Who did you last send a text to? Stephanie lmao 

40. What 4 things would you take to a desert island? i’d just die

41. Name the 3 most important people in your life? Shit this is hard because like obviously Stephanie but also my family and there are 4 people in that and I can’t pick whos the most important out of them so 

42. Favorite song? I honestly don’t know

43. Favorite movie? Heathers 

44. When did you last cuddle someone? fuck idk like late march early april?

45. When did you last have sex? see above

46. If you woke up tomorrow with no fear, what would you do first? probably either jump off a roof or tell my dad I’m into girls

47. What was your biggest worry five years ago, do you still feel the same about it at this minute? Abandonment, yes. Constantly 

48. If you could change one law of your country, what would it be? There are way to many fucked up things to even choose 

49. What relationships have ended? But you can’t let go? Idk there was one that at first I couldn’t let go but now I can so?

50. Where would you take a road trip? Albuquerque 

51. How do Mondays feel for you? during the summer, whatever. During the year, like i put a vacuum on my face 

52. If you could spend ten minutes with your ‘hero’ alive or dead what would you ask them? Omg Stephanie how did you get to Germany 

53. Do your practice ‘self love’ or ‘self loathing’? a weird combo of both tbh

54. What’s your greatest achievement to date? Idk I guess getting into JMU is p good 

55. What scares you about your future? That I won’t’ do well enough to get into Optometry school 

56. Why does pizza come in a square box? easier to transport 

57. What would happen if you knew you could not fail? so many things 

58. How does it feel to be photographed? sometimes I hate it but i like being able to look back on the moments 

59. If you could erase an event from your mind, which one would you choose? oh god... maybe seeing my dad cry while I went through security out of Japan for the last time 

60. Do you want your children (if you have any) to be ‘just like you’? No. I want my children to be better than me in every way so that once I’ve taught them all I know they can then teach me what they’ve learned 

61. Do you stand for what you believe in or are you pleasing others? I try to stand for it 

62. If money were no concern, what would you do for the rest of your life? If I had the talent, be a stage actor 

63. What are you thankful for, this moment? That surgery went well yesterday 

64. Do you have same sex fantasies? Well I mean, yeah 

65. If you have had sex in a public place, where? a pool locker room 

66. Have you ever cried during/after sex? nope

67. Who is the oldest person you’ve had sex with? Dylan

68. Who is the youngest person you’ve had sex with? Tori

69. Would you rather be in a relationship with a totally submissive partner or a totally dominant partner? Dom

70. How tall are you? 5′10

71. How much do you weigh? 144 which I was hype about because the last time I’d checked I was 150

72. What color is your hair naturally?  like dirty blondeish?

73. What size jeans do you wear? 8 I think but idk

74. What is your favorite color to wear?   black

75. Do you have any piercings?    just ears

76. Do you have any tattoos?    no

77. Do you care how other people see you?    I mean yeah

78. Do you like sports?  I love ballet but other than that no 

79. How do you feel about age differences in relationships?  It depends. Like below 25 if you have more than a few years I’m iffy, but the older you are the more lenient I am 

80. How do you feel about race differences in relationships?    idgaf

81. Do you believe in karma or fate?    yeah

82. Do you keep a journal? no   

83. Describe the last dream you remember: I can’t remember a recent one 

84. Describe your favorite dream: Don’t really have one

85. Where are some places you would like to visit? Canada, South America, Paris, etc   

86. Any upcoming concerts you want to attend? Paramore and Halsey but I’m too stressed about money to buy tickets 

87. What music do you listen to when you are happy? BTR and early 2000s songs rn

88. What music do you listen to when you are mad? ��Breakup songs. I have a playlist

89. Do you like to burn candles or incense? Candles, yes

90. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed? Wine

91. What are your favorite alcoholic beverages? I like sex on the beaches and vodka mixed with cranberry juice 

92. Do you smoke cigarettes or cigars? What about marijuana? no cigarettes or cigars. Tried weed twice but it didn’t work 

93. Who is your number 1 friend and why is he or she there? Stephanie becuase she’s always there for me and when everything in my life is falling apart she’s always my rock and I just love her so much 

94. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member? I don’t know what this means

95. Is there anyone of your friends that you would ever consider having sex with? Of my current friends? Nah I don’t think so

96. Would you ever have sex in the shower or the bath? I DON’T WANT TO DIE

97. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex? yeah

98. Do you think your last ex still wants to be with you? //actual// ex? idk maybe 

99. Ever wondered what it would be like dating the same gender as you? been there, done that

100. What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual people? dude

101. How often do you brush your teeth? twice a day

102. How often do you shower?  When was the last time you had a shower? I try to shower every day. I just took a bath and then washed my hair with the shower head

103. How often do you shave your legs?  rarely lmao

104. Political affiliation? dude

105. Opinion on abortion? duDE

106. Opinion on immigrants/ immigration reform? dUDE

107. Should prostitution be legalized? honestly I don’t know enough to say

108. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? wtf kind of meta

109. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? it’s easier that way

110. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? just like... make everyone stop hating everyone else so much

111. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? acting

112. Would you break the law to save a loved one? 100%

113. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? well technically I live in both Germany and America so this question is too complex

114. Why are you the person you are? what

115. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? I try but I’ve had slipups

116. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? bc ppl suc

117. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? I’‘d probably be a lot more outgoing 

118. Were you happy when you woke up today? no

119. What’s a fact about the last person who text messaged you? Well my mom just texted me and she really liked turtles 

120. Want someone back in your life? At times, but then I remember they’re gone for a reason 

121. What are you excited for? PRAGUE

122. Are you scared to fall in love? sometimes 

123. When is your next road trip?idk

124. What was the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? told stephanie I love her

125. Do you like to cuddle? yeh

126. Have you ever kissed more than one person in 24 hours? maybe? idk

127. Plans for tomorrow? we’re going to see castles 

128. Do you care too much/not at all/just enough? too much

129. How is life going for you right now? :/

130. If you were offered a shot of whiskey right this second, would you accept? yep

131. This time last year, can you remember who you liked? tori

132. Could you stay in the same relationship for over a year? I mean I never have, but I think I could if the military would butt out 

133. If you could have one super power what would it be? transformation 

134. Background on your cell phone? the lockscreen is a gradient from purple to pink and the background is Tyler on a piano 

135. What are you thinking about right this second? these questions 

136. Last book you read? How was it? I Wrote This For You. made me cry. I loved it 

137. What is the last thing you bought? coffee at the airport 

138. Do you live with your parents? during holidays 

139. Have you ever been caught sneaking out? no

140. Have you ever met a celebrity? not like A-list

141. What are you like when you’re drunk?  super giggly 

142. What are you like when you’re high? idk

143. Do you want children? yeah

144. Do you want a church wedding? no

145. How many pillows do you sleep with? as many as I can 

146. Have you ever been scuba diving? nope 

147. Who was your first real crush? this guy Matt in 4th grade lmao

148. What are you allergic to? grass and pollen 

149. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? rn I like the name Vita but ask again in like 3 months 

150. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? Girl just because I feel like I’d be able to raise her better 

151. How did you get your name? My sister pointed at my mom’s baby bump and was like “Michelle!” and they were like ok

152. Name one thing about your body you love? my cheek bones 

153. What is your biggest goal in life? be happy. Like fully

154. Do you still have feelings for your ex? nah

155. Do you think aliens are real? YES

156. What age did you start drinking? my first drink was at 14 but I started like regulatory drinking at 17 

157. What do you think of President Obama? YES

158. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? nah

159. Describe your dream girl/guy? idk

160. Story of your first kiss? we were at a park 

161. Story of the first time you made out with someone? same as ^

162. Story of the first time you had sex? I went over to her house while her parents were at work 

163. When did you first have sex? when I was 18

164. First time you gave/ received oral sex? ^

165. Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to? nope

167. Favorite fictional character (movie, book, tv show)? Holtzman

168. How many followers do you have on tumblr? What about twitter/ instagram? 44/87/19

169. Are you friend with your parents on Facebook? yeah

170. First time you thought you were in love? When did you realize that you weren’t actually in love with that person? 14, when we broke up and I realized I was confusing a crush for love 

171. Do you talk to yourself? wayyyy too much 

172. How old will you be on your next birthday? 20

173. How did you meet the last person you kissed? tinder 

174. Do you have any hickies? not rn

175. Turn ons? being confident without being cocky 

176. Turn offs? acting like you’re entitled to me

177. What qualities did you get from your mom? petty, creative 

178. What qualities did you get from your dad? idiot, hard working 

179. How many siblings do you have? 1

180. Have you ever taken anyone’s virginity? yeah

that took so long omg. ily

[lovetale-redemption]

LOVEtale Chapter 2: The price of freedom (Part 1) : Sweet tears.

(Before the beginning of Chapter 2 I want to thank you all for your support, this means the world to me. I hope you like this chapter as much as the first one. And let’s not wait any longer.)  Music:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqWixE_2_CE&list=PLoq58GDeKElcdxUImxXYKqG91vdxzwrBH&index=103    I didn’t like this at all, Red’s reaction when I talked about Sans worried me a lot, I already had a bad feeling but it keeped getting worse as the time went on.  The party was going great all around the Underground and the humans were having a lot of fun like the monsters. They have been accepted and peace would finally be possible, everything we ever dreamed of... so why ? Why did I have this sensation that we were not out of trouble ? That everyhting was going to get terrible in just one minute... I had to find Red and Sans no matter what.     Papyrus was looking for Sans earlier I hope he found him in this crowd. Since Sans brought Mettaton on stage, I couldn’t find him and in that distance where he was talking I couldn’t see his face even on screen. So maybe Papyrus knew something ? My best bet was to go on the stage, and talk to Asgore. I had to know more about what was going on. I really didn’t want to talk to him after what he did... but I was determined to find Sans, to find out why he lied to me the day before and why he told me farewell... I still had the candy he left behind, it gave me the strenght I needed when I was in doubt.  Mettaton was on stage making a concert, Asgore and the humans were in the front seats, so I went there with fear in my heart like I was scared to know the truth... From the side I could see Asgore, he didn’t saw me but even if the humans were festive Asgore looked depressed like he was thinking of something else, something he felt guilty for... it made me uncomfortable.  I squeezed the lollipop against my chest and finally walked in their direction: Toriel: Asgore... He looked at me with an astonished look, like he was looking at a ghost. Since it was almost 10 years when I left him and his stupid policy. Asgore: Tori ! You came back ! The humans all looked at me with happiness calling “Lady” or “Miss Toriel” like they used to call me when they passed by the Ruins. Seeing them for real released the tension a little, and I was so happy to see them all in good shape. Toriel: I am so glad, you are all here. But how did you all came back to life ? Umbra: Our friend Sans, he saved us ! Doctor Alphys told me, that the machine Sans made to bring us back took him more than 10 years to make, he worked really hard to resurect us. And furthermore, it was him and his human soul that gave the determination we needed to work the engine. Toriel: He is unbelievable. Have you saw him around here ? Valye: Well, he was here earlier but he vanished like he always does. Asgore: Don’t worry Tori, he’s just gone for a while, he’ll be back soon.   I instantly knew with his look and the sound of his voice that he was lying, it made me angry. Toriel: I’m not playing your stupid game Asgore ! You don’t know how to lie, you whelp, I’m not going to repeat myself ! So where is he !?  Asgore:... He looked down and didn’t said anything. But I noticed that Rini was crying and trying to hide it, and it didn’t looked like tears of joy. Toriel: What’s wrong my child ? Are you hurt ? He bursted into tears when I asked him. Asgore was biting his own lip. Rini: Sans... He is gone ! All the humans looked at Rini they didn’t understand what was happening, I felt my heart choked and yelled at him: Toriel: Gone ?! What do you mean !? Tell me ! What do you know !? Then Undyne came with a huge smile on her face. Undyne: Hey, guys ! What’s new ? Are you all feeling alright ? Wait ! Is this Queen Toriel !? Toriel: I’m not queen Undyne, I’m just a simple monster. and we are actually looking for Sans. He has disappeared since the speech and we are worried sick about him. Undyne: Oh ! Is that it ? No problem I’m just going to call Alphys, she has cameras everywhere in the Undeground, she’ll find him in no time. Wait a moment.  She pulled out a pink cell phone, and pushed some button to call Alphys. And she answered. Undyne: Hey, Alphys how are you doing ? Did you saw that scene ! This is amazing ! You should be here with us for the party. But first ... wait Alphys are you crying ? Did the speech overwhelmed you that much. I know it was pretty intense. So we are looking for Sans right now can you help us ?....... What ? Say it louder the stage music is covering your voice.... Yeah Sans, did you found him ? .... Suddenly her face expression changed in instant and she started screaming on the phone ! Undyne: HE DID WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT !?!?!?!

Music : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=We7whQievrQ&index=84&list=PLoq58GDeKElcdxUImxXYKqG91vdxzwrBH  Toriel: What is happening Undyne !?  Asgore was closing his eyes strongly, grinding his teeth. Undyne: That little punk ! He is going out of the Underground !  It all became clear in an instant. (Sans: Thanks to his soul, we will finally leave the Underground Sans: It’s best if we stop everything here. Sans:  A farewell to you Tori.)  Without second thoughts I ran in the direction of the Dreemurr castle, hoping I could stop Sans before he leaved us. What was he thinking ? What did he planned to do, and why didn’t he tell anyone... Asgore knew this all along why did he sent Sans on the surface ? Always relying on everyone else than himself that coward ! I had to stop Sans ! On the way I found Papyrus who was going in the direction of New Home. Without stopping to run, I yelled at him. Toriel: Papyrus ! Sans is going out of the Underground. We have to stop him ! Papyrus: LADY TORIEL ? WHAT DO YOU MEAN... He was confused, he couldn’t think properly but we didn’t have the time for this. Toriel: Please follow me when you can ! He stopped walking then looked at his hand, he had a lollipop too. Then he started crying... Papyrus: SANS.... NO, NO, NO ... SANNNNNNNNNNS !! He collapsed on the floor sobbing like no tomorrow. I kept holding in my own candy and rushed through the Judgement Hall. I heard like the echo of a lullaby, in the corridor. Then on the ground, Red’s sword and a trail of blood. I had no breath left and my heart was so tight, what happened here ? I followed the trail until I found Red unconscious, lying in a bed of golden flowers, the blood trail was entering the barrier room then stopped... I was too late...

 Why didn’t I saw this before ...?  It was obvious and yet ... And poor Red, why didn’t you told me... ? You knew what he was going to do... Why didn’t you warn me...? It must have been terrible to let him go like this. I hope she’ll be fine. She didn’t had any wounds, the blood wasn’t hers, it was Sans’. He went outside injured to save us all... What an idiot ! I was so angry at myself, I should have seen it sooner... I should have...   The tears of Red were still wet, if only I was here a little sooner, I could have stopped Sans from killing himself... What kind of happy ending is to rely on the death of a friend ?     In the far you could hear the screams of the happy monsters celebrating freedom, it was getting me sick... But Red had something in her hand against her chest...it was a lollipop, like the one Papyrus and I had... I saw it when I carried Red, she was holding it, like she wanted to support him even in her state... I looked at her face and couldn’t stop myself from bursting into tears... Toriel: I’m so sorry, Red. I am worthless, I can’t save anyone... Please forgive me... The tears were dropping in the candies and as Red was still unconscious, it looked like she was still crying...  Undyne came a little later with Papyrus. Undyne: What happened here ?! Is she hurt ? Toriel: I don’t think so. I don’t know what happened but I think she tried to stop Sans and in the end... Undyne: Damn it ! I’m gonna kill this little punk ! Poor sweetheart, this must have been terrible for her... Papyrus didn’t say a word for a moment, I hoped he didn’t felt too guilty, it was not his fault. After a while he wiped Red’s tears, hugged her and went into the barrier’s room, we followed him.  Papyrus: I BELIEVE IN THEM ! Toriel: What ? Papyrus:  FRISK AND SANS, I KNOW  THEY WILL BRING US PEACE AND COME BACK ! I KNOW IT ! Undyne/Toriel: Frisk ...?  I never heard this name before but, strangely it was like I know who he was talking about, I remembered a sweet little child determined to save everyone no matter what. Were they the eighth child Sans was talking about ? I wasn’t sure but this name brought me good memories just by the sound of it. Toriel: You’re right Papyrus. We have to keep faith in them. Undyne: Yeah, Sans is a tough guy, nobody can beat him. But he will still get what he deserves for beating Red down and for not telling us what he was doing ! So Sans you better get back soon ! Or else, I’ll smash the barrier myself and destroy you ! NGAH !  Undyne’s phone rang out, it was Alphys. Undyne: Alphys, it’s too late... he is gone... Yeah ok, I’ll tell them. *clic* Hey, Alphys wants us in the lab, and it looks pretty important.  Toriel: Alright, we don’t have much left to do here anyway. We walked at the entrance of the room and look back to the barrier one last time. Undyne looked worried. Papyrus: ARE YOU OKAY, UNDYNE ? Undyne: Yeah... You know what Papyrus, I don’t care if Sans succeeds or not. I don’t really care about living outside or inside, afterall even trapped down here we were happy, right ? But I can’t imagine a world where Sans is not here anymore. So Sans ! I don’t care if you fail, but you better stay alive ! OR ELSE I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO DIE FOR ! YOU HEAR THAT YOU STUPID NERD ! Toriel: I agree wth you. I sure hope he knows that...

[rpchive]

Sixty Third Encounter-- Heartsong

well, let’s just rip this bandaid off, eh?

Though the IT has not yet landed; Karumet has not left the console since the ship started moving again. Nydins occasionally stops by to make sure she isn't having problems or to see if the coordinates have changed. Tori, unable to fit through any doors, has slept in the console room on the floor. Collin slowly pulls himself up into a seated position from the nest of blankets and cushions he dragged out next to Tori and stretches his arms straight up. He lets out a slow sigh as he drops his arms back down, and then addresses the room. "Mornin'. So, any news?" Karumet: I'd say we're close. Maybe not landing right now close, but soon enough. And as for him; the smoke's slowed significantly since we left, but the damage has been done. He won't get worse, but where he is, he can't get better either. Collin: Hey, if he's not actively getting worse, then we're in a better boat than we've been in back in the past. Karumet mumbles "Gods I hope this thing isn't actually a boat." Nydins: Um, so, if you don't mind me asking; uh, who...exactly is this friend of yours we're going to see? Is he a kleivenn too? Karumet: No, he's human. Nydins: Human? But didn't you say the war was hundreds of years ago? Karumet: I didn't say he was a young human.

dude don’t be rude to your friends

Collin: Sheesh, your world must have some crazy life expediencies. Karumet: Oh, absolutely not. I've just got a feeling that son of a bitch is still out there. Don't really know why; I'm guessing he'll be able to tell us. Nydins: Wait; you're doing this on a hunch?! What if he's dead!? Karumet: I seriously doubt he would be; but assuming he was; your friend wouldn't be far behind; assuming we could handle whatever he became. But this kind of feeling; it's never been wrong. Lou's alive; and he can help us. Collin: Well I'm glad you've got that feeling, but I'm not exactly jazzed about the alternative. Karumet: Believe me; you're not the only one that doesn't wanna see that kind of thing happen. Seems I've remembered more than I would've liked; but unfortunately we don't have time for stories yet. Nydins: Looks like the IT's gonna land soon; good luck fitting Tori through the door again... Collin: Eh, I can make it work if we need to. Let me go get Fawkes and whoever else wants to come. He fully extracts himself from the blanket mound and exits the console room. Everyone converges back in the console room shortly after. As Tori pulls himself off the floor of the IT; Karumet rushes out towards some kind of wooden, cart-like trailer; various small, multicolored glass lanterns hang beneath a canopy of patched-up canvas over a singular doorway. As Karumet knocks on the door, some muffled hooting can be heard from inside for a few moments before the door creeps open slightly. "Now just who in the world would come looking for some hunk of junk like this?" Karumet: Your partner. Open up, Lou. Lou: ...Kara? The door swings open to a surprisingly younger looking man than you expected; though he does not seem to be wearing pants, merely boxers, he's thrown a green coat around his shoulders, though there does seem to be some sort of necklace dully glowing a dusty, rosey pink beneath it. Adjusting his equally pink glasses, a dark hand brushes through short and darker hair. Lou: Gods woman; that war was ages ago! How are you even alive?!

it him

I totally forgot to mention his markings, but honestly Lou’s design is so busy I don’t think anyone would look there first anyway

Karumet: I'd like to ask you the same, but I'm afraid we don't actually have the time... Collin: Yeah, sorry to drop in on you. My name's Collin, and my partner Tori could, uh... He motions with his right hand toward Tori. "Well, he could use your help." Looking Tori over for a moment, Lou glances at Karumet from over his lenses. "You brought a weighted Saa full of black magic to my doorstep...?" Karumet: Look; you're the only person I could think of that could help; I don't think there's anybody left out there that even knows we exist; let alone-- Lou: Oh, I can help you; but you're gonna have to wait a minute; I'm not ready for this kind of thing; I mean, I ain't even got pants on yet. Look, just...try to get him smaller, and if you can't, meet me on the hill. Karumet: Wh...which hill? Lou: Oh, you'll know it when you see it. With that, Lou closes the door. Collin: Uh, what exactly did he mean by "try to get him smaller"? Karumet: Y'know; human...or just...small enough to fit in there. Collin: I thought the whole point in coming here was so that Lou could help him transform back? How're we supposed to do that? Karumet: The problem isn't that he can't go back to looking human; the problem is...we- we don't have time!! Look, if you don't know what to do, just...go look for the hill!! Collin: Good grief, breathe a little. You act like we're on a time schedule here, but you said yourself that he wasn't getting any worse. Anyway... Collin kicks off the ground and floats up gently into the air, spinning slowly on his way up. "So, what am I looking for about this hill? A landmark? A big tree? A neon sign that says 'Eat at Joe's'?" Karumet: I don't know; he just said we'd know it when we saw it. From Collin's angle, there does seem to be a nearby hill with a path leading up to something. Collin: Well, I see one with a hiking trial or something going up it, so maybe that's the one? Karumet: I...guess so? Go for it. I'll catch up. Collin lowers himself back down to the ground. "Sounds good. Also, can I just say how handy flying is? It's kind of crazy actually, I highly recommend it." Karumet: Well, as of today, everyone except for the star and the other robot can to my knowledge. Fawkes: Maybe we could give them rides sometime then? Lou finally exits his home, fully dressed and holding a staff only slightly smaller than he is. Squinting slightly he looks the group up and down. "Dude, there's just one hill."  Shaking his head, Lou leaves for the hill.

yeah, that’d probably make it easy to spot

Collin: ... We'll sort out our flight service plan later. Collin follows after Lou, along with the rest of the group. Lou: So, you've got another human here...sorta. I gotta ask, is he the one who made the Saa's wish? Collin: You can talk to me directly, y'know. But yes, that's correct. Lou: Alright; question two then: what was it? I mean, you ain't gotta tell me specifically; I just gotta know how complicated it was. Collin: How complicated what was, the wish? I... I'll be honest with you, I don't really know. See, Tori wasn't always a Saa. Some... things happened, and afterwards my memories got a little mixed up and Tori was a Saa. If I had to hazard a guess, it might've had something to do with wanting someone to get me free of where I was; to... have a companion, I guess? I don't know, nowadays I'm just glad to have him with me. I uh, don't know if that's a good or a bad answer. Lou: ...Well; I can't promise this is gonna be easy. This hasn't mellowed out; it's building up. Eye of the storm kind of thing; see, Weight is straightforward on its own, but as it stands, this...isn't just that. Whatever follows this is going to be full-force and, since you can't totally answer that, unpredictable. Nobody's in trouble; this is just getting...increasingly more interesting to work with. Approaching the top of the hill, there is a large stone circle embedded in the peak, various symbols engraved in segments, and large, unlit wooden torches set in each cardinal direction. Stepping into the center, Lou motions for Tori to join him. "...But, with the answer you gave me, I think I know what I'm dealing with. Either way, if you're not prepared for literally anything, you might not wanna come any closer. Even if you are, I can't promise you'll be safe." /As Tori steps onto the circle, several of the segments and symbols light up. Glancing at the top of his staff, Lou shifts his attention to the small crowd. "Blue and green. Looks like only two of you can be here..." Collin: Uh, okay? I'm not sure what that means, but I'm not gonna stand by if Tori needs me. I've dealt with some weird stuff before this, and I highly doubt this can throw me completely. Lou: Well, whatever the case, I'm glad you're ready, 'cause it looks like we don't really have a lot of time left.

well, I don’t know about her not being able to throw you off...

Briefly looking over to Tori, who's coughing up smoke and some sort of black, liquid-like substance roughly the same consistency of maple syrup, Lou gestures for you and Nydins to approach. Nydins: M-m-me?! Why me?! Lou: Doesn't matter; it's his choice. Now hurry, please. Nervously glancing from you to Tori, Nydins hurries onto the stone circle. Collin gives a slight shrug in return and steps after her. As Collin joins the trio, the outer rim of the circle lights up. Mere moments before Tori bursts into his silhouetted, humanoid light form, Lou places his staff in the center of the circle and closes his eyes as he takes a deep breath, bracing himself entirely for whatever would happen next. There is only a brief window where everyone outside of the circle remains visible, and only a briefer moment where Tori is audibly screaming, before everything just spirals away to somewhere darker; emptier; and significantly more isolated. The four of you are completely alone, and Tori seems to have reverted to his human-like form, though the smoke and blackened goo have only gotten worse.

mmm, tastey

Collin: God... Okay, so what do we do now? Lou: I don't understand...at this level of progression, he was supposed to...go off, I guess. But environmental manipulation; that's so incredibly conditional...what in the world... Slamming his fists onto the semi-nonexistant ground, the cloud of dark smoke that has been progressively growing around Tori dissipates, revealing...some other creature crouching beside them. Whispering excitedly, it glances up to the trio, flashing a smile that, in all likelihood, it has had since it appeared. Standing up to its full height, it visibly brings Tori's heart up with it. "...If that's really what you want...who am I to disagree? This wish you've lived and died for...I'll carry it out until the end."

vaguely reminds me of that one Chara thing that was like “understood. then I shall follow you to the utmost” or whatever

Holding Tori's heart in its hands, it locks eyes with you briefly, grinning widely as the heart shifts colors, unable to settle on any one thing. Shifting between bright shades of blue and green, the heart changes the color of the light that normally composes Tori's form as well, swapping it from yellow to a more minty color. The light envelops them both, shining so brilliantly that Lou still has to shade his eyes from behind his tinted lenses, only for it to subside to reveal a singular being. Not much taller than their previous form, the person seems significantly more feminine than Tori would ever willingly present themself. A long, red ponytail stretches just beyond their bottom; thigh-high stockings peak over knee-high boots that rest beneath a skirt so short it might as well not exist at certain angles and a shoulderless top with a back so open her shoulder blades are visible. Removing her glasses, the new person lets out a long, satisfied sigh. "So sorry to keep you waiting! I only needed to get changed first. Now then! What would you like to do first?"

Collin blinks a couple of times before he speaks. "Alright I lied, I've been blindsided." Nydins: I...think the only thing I want to do is put a blanket on you; good god, put some clothes on...! ???: I'm not naked... Nydins: Barely... Collin, now slightly red, shoves the conversation along. "Look, who are you? This is absolutely not like Tori, and I sure as hell never wanted him to be like this." ???: What, you don't like it? Well, I could be something else. Or make. Anything really; anything that either of you want! I can be, make, do anything at all! All you have to do is ask~. Collin: Woah woah, hang on. "Either" of us? ???: Well yeah, you're both important! And it's kind of my job, y'know. Keep you two happy and safe; that's all. Collin: Both of us? That doesn't make any sense. If I was the one that created your wish, why is Nydins in the equation? Er, no offense Nydins, but you get what I mean, right? ???: You seem to be misunderstanding why you're even here! Look, don't worry too much. Nydins just needs to stay safe too; that's all there is to it. Trust me, you're always going to be the...main attraction. She chuckles slightly as she looks at you from over her glasses frames.

Collin's shade of red darkens noticeably. "Okay look, I know why I'm here. We need to get that messed up energy out of your system. Hell, that's probably why you're doing....all of this. Lou, what the heck do we do now? My partner's suddenly playing the role of seductive protector for Nydins and I, and this is far weirder than I expected or prefer." Lou: I'm trying to figure that out, but something's throwing my staff off; it seems to think that...whatever that is is a perfectly functional, natural Saa... ???: Of course it does. I'm made of magic and I have the same heart; you can't just get rid of me! I'm alive, whether you like it or not. Plopping down onto a rather large chair that she created behind herself, the woman stretches out across the arms, placing one arm behind her ponytail as she removes her glasses with the other. "Look, don't worry about me, alright? There's only one thing you have to do; and that's tell me specifically what you want!" Nydins: Isn't it obvious?! We don't want...whatever the hell you are, we want Tori, and we want out. ???: Well, I can give you one of those things...but why? Is that really all you want? I'm not lying; I really can give you anything at all.

originally I had planned for her to break apart at least three times, but somehow the dialogue never went in that direction. it’s probably for the best, though; that thing would’ve been terrible to Tori

Collin: What makes you think that, exactly? More importantly, who the hell are you, anyway? Letting out a small, tired sigh, a smile spreads across the woman's face as she places her glasses on the floor. "Listen; sweetheart; songbird; I don't think you totally get the gravity of this situation. See, my requests were invitations; this was never an option; you belong to me."

suggesting Collin is property puts you at the top of my shit list honestly

Sitting upright, she places her chin in her hands, resting her elbows on her knees. "So quit trying to ask for the impossible, and just enjoy yourselves! You're never leaving, and you're never going to get rid of me!" Laughing slightly, the woman leans back in the chair fully, crossing her legs and resting her face in a singular palm. "But if you really​ want to know who I am, I'd say I'm both Tori and Demo...but only parts of them! Two halves of a...certainly perfect whole." Collin: Oh God, why are my bad hunches always the right ones? ???: Hm? Well, despite being both halves of a perfect whole, I guess there's one thing I did leave out. But that's alright; if you don't want to listen to me; you don't have to...yet. Collin: And what would you be leaving out? I don't see the point in being sly when we're all stuck in some kind of... pocket dimension thing anyways. Rolling her eyes, the woman leans forward, and, with a snap of her fingers, Nydins and Lou are separated from her and Collin. "Well, you see, songbird, I'm still Tori. I'm just supposed to get what they want. And what they want...is you! Completely and utterly; unconditionally; and...permanently! But you; well..." She pauses, pulling up a second chair as well as a table. "...Have a seat." He takes one long, deep breath before stepping up to the table and taking the open chair. "I can see what you're doing, you know, and I'll tell you now that you really shouldn't take that road."

y’know, just because 2/3rds of her aren’t Tori doesn’t mean Tori isn’t there

but I’m sure you had your reasons for that not working?

???: ... I don't think you really do. But you don't think anything through properly, do you? You think you're being some selfless hero; did you even bother to think what that meant for us? This crushing darkness that's shattering our heart; it's because of you and you alone. You think you're doing good by being a hero; making an impact; getting back out there; but if you really had died...well... Leaning forward, she places her head in her hands again. "You know our wish keeps us alive, but do you realize that the reason all this happened isn't because we were ignorant, it was willing?" She leans back again, adverting her gaze upwards. "To become Shalvenn is to go against the wish that drives you. Our wish, that keeps us alive, so simple...do you even realize-- the reason I'm here; the reason you're there; it's because, even just considering letting you selfishly, or selflessly sacrifice yourself; well...why on Earth would any Saa born to help somebody want to live without them?" ???: The point of this dimension; of my existence; it's not to hurt you; it's not to replace him; it's to keep both of you alive for as long as our magic will allow it. I just don't understand why you couldn't see that on your own... Collin: ... Alright, I think I'm starting to see where this is coming from now, and to an extent I understand. But here's the thing: is this truly the best solution to keep in line with your wish? I mean yes, we're alive, but could you call being crammed in a black void forever "living"? Speaking from experience, captivity is hardly worth the trade-off for freedom in terms of safety. ???: ...A void. You don't get it...you really, really just do not get it...!! Standing up, she shoves her large chair away, and the entire environment shifts. Hillsides; cliffsides; beachfronts; the IT; a city; sometimes there's people; sometimes there's not. "I can give you anything!!" Shifting forms, she goes between just about anything she can think of, even going back to all of Tori's previous forms, aged up and down. "I can be anything that you want!!" Everything shifts back to the IT.

sounds like Darkiplier’s breakdown in his Date With Markiplier route

Dark didn’t write this though :7

"Why is that not enough for you? Why am I not enough for you?!" Tears begin to streak down her face as the color of her lighted silhouette flickers between red, yellow, and mint. "WHY IS NOTHING ENOUGH FOR YOU?!" The entire scene crumbles away, and you're left alone with Nydins and Lou in the void. Collin: Tori... It's not like that. It's not that you're not enough for me. In the beginning there was only one thing I ever wanted, and that was my freedom from everything trying to hold me down. But after spending time with you, with everyone else, I realized there was so much more to the world than personal freedom. I wanted to see new things, have new experiences, make new friends. But above all of that, I wanted- no, I still want you to have your own freedom; to not have these weird, negative energies pulling and twisting you all the time. I want to see the real world, all the worlds, with you, Tori. The honest-to-God, unadulterated, unfiltered you, free of all the nonsense tying you up. You wanna know what I want so badly? It's that, right there.

I just had a semi-unrelated realization about something but it’s totally irrelevant so I’m not gonna mention it

Though there is no audible response, there does seem to be some rather dry, dead grass slowly spreading out from the distance. Progressively, more things appear. Trees; half of which are dead or smothered in moss balls, the other half are cedar; weeds; grass, both dead and alive; and...one road, made mostly of dirt and rocks. The air gets uncomfortably warm, and there's hardly a breeze; the only other signs of life being the distant buzz of cicadas. Though Lou does not recognize this scene, Nydins visibly tenses up. Nydins: This...this is what Demo always told me about...the place Tori's afraid of​...the one place he'd never go...

I’ve been toying with the concept of what power Tori’s wish of “be X by any means necessary” would mean since it qualifies as a simple wish and simple wishes have more power, and the answer was that they could alter reality itself in order to create optimal conditions. Lou recognized this and took them up on the hill to isolate the event, but idk if anybody’s gonna mention that ic, so I just wanted to explain that all this wasn’t just Nexus Shenanigans again

Collin: Oh hell, I've got another bad hunch on where that is... But if that's the case, then why are we here now? Lou: It's the end. If you can sort this out, all of this will go away. He's at his limits; that, or he's giving up. Either way...I think this is actually your job. Collin: Alright, then I'll get it done. Without hesitating, he starts down the dirt road. The road curves off to the left down a small hill, then trails off somewhere into the trees. To the right of where you are, there's a trailer of some sort, blurred almost beyond recognition. To the left, there's more trees, however you can just barely make out the shape of somebody in them. Collin: Hey, is someone there? He takes a few steps toward the trees as he calls out. Curling up by hugging their knees, someone far too small to be anyone that had been here sits alone. Their clothes seem oversized, however. Collin: Oh, hey, I'm sorry. Did I scare you? Collin stops approaching and kneels down to their level. The person curled up can't possibly be older than 10. Eyes impossibly dark and tired; clothes oversized not because they wouldn't be the right size normally, but because the child is simply far too thin... They answer in a voice that is familiar, but surprisingly hard to place: "No. You wanted to see the real me. I just came here to show you."

I mean, from a character standpoint, the fact that 2ri did this was actually pretty important since he really does try to distance himself from the concept that he was once a human too most of the time

He takes a deep breath, and then adjusts his position so that he's actually sitting on the ground. "Yeah, I was sort of expecting that answer. This is the place you told me about a while back, isn't it?" alienrabitt: The place I was buried...the box I died in the first time...'cause nobody came looking for me...nobody cared enough to. Everybody thought I just ran away or something...but I'm still here... Collin: In a way, I guess that's true, yeah. It's... hardly the same, but in a slightly similar way, I also carry a piece of my old prison. He absent-mindedly places a hand on his chest for a moment. "But, y'know, places like these don't define you forever. They make their mark, but they don't set your course. I mean, could you imagine if the me fresh out of Aperture could see me now? I am very much not the man I used to be. But honestly, I'm sort of glad for that. It reminds me that I'm not a test subject anymore. I'm me, and that's all I need to be. In the same way, I don't think this is the 'real you'. It's definitely a part of you, and there's nothing wrong in remembering that. But this dusty old place? This is as close to you as 'test subject' me is to the me now." alienrabitt: But it is the real me. Literally. The me you know now doesn't even have a physical form; they're some cool alien made out of light and wishes; but me? I'm just some...scared kid buried in a box nobody even knows about. That's the truth; the real me is dead. But I can't admit that. I can't look back at this, at the me that I am right now, and say we're the same person. It's like a phone call, but nobody on either end is willing to admit the other person's real... Collin: Well, now you're shaking me. This new life, isn't it like a second chance? An opportunity to get to do things that you could never have done here? alienrabitt: Everything's been a second chance. I've had second chances at least 11 times now. At this point I'm honestly wondering if this one's going to matter. All the time I spent in the metal box; every time I outlived everyone else, everything reset, and I forgot everything again. I can't remember all the people I died for; all the people I helped; all the places I went...will this really be different? If I'm just gonna outlive everyone again...what's the point? Collin: ...On the opposite side of that coin, what's the point in isolation? In giving up and letting everything go? Is existing in a bubble of nothing and letting everything roll past really living at all? The point of life is experience, sensation, and memorability, both good and bad. Nothing is certain, and that's scary, but the thought of participating in nothing scares me even more than death. You're probably right, you might very well outlive some of us. But hell, I'm some kind of demigod now, so maybe that'll give me a few bonus years. I don't know what the future holds for us, Tori, or for you. But I know that I don't want to face it without you. alienrabitt: ...Maybe you're right. I don't know. The point of...whatever that was, it wasn't to isolate you. I could feel it getting worse; getting annoyed; if I hadn't broken us apart myself, you would've never gotten out of here, and if you had, I don't think you could've forgiven me. It's true that I don't want to lose you, but I just...I would never hurt you to have that. I couldn't let that happen, so I just...gave it all up. In the end I'm still dying, it's just in a circle now. Collin: A circle? alienrabitt: The one outside. Collin: Ah. Right. So how do we make you not die then? It's a fairly high item on my priority list, in case you weren't aware. alienrabitt: ...I don't know. I was told if the weight ever got this bad then there wouldn't really be anything else. I think this is just...it? But I don't think that's totally right either. What I do know is this place is fading fast. You three are gonna leave. I'm sorry, there's nothing else I can do. I might just shatter. If that happens, it's on me. Collin: What, so I'm just supposed to sit here and watch you die?! alienrabitt: Well, no, you don't get to watch...but I don't think I'll actually die. I don't know... Look, whatever happens, if I survive or not, I just wan a get one thing straight: despite everything we've been through, even if a lot of it's been absolutely terrible; I'd go through every single second of it all over again just as long as I got to be with you again. You've honestly been worth every damn moment; don't ever forget that, even if I do.

The edges of the void, which has now shifted to white, rapidly begin to close in on the remainder of the area; the sound of cicadas having long since stopped. As the walls close in, Tori shifts back to their proper form, and holds Collin close for as long as he can before Collin reappears in the stone circle with everybody else. The group seems mostly relieved that you and Nydins have come back safely, though Karumet has her attention on Tori, who has reverted on this end as well, but is lying unconscious on the stone circle. Karumet: Lou; what the hell happened in there?! You were supposed to help! Lou: First of all, I did. Secondly; I don't know what happened. After a certain point I just...stopped being able to sway things. I couldn't help because he was refusing me, and I couldn't force him, he was just too strong. That kid, he's...something beyond me. Karumet: ...Just tell me he's going to be okay; tell me you know what's going to happen to him... Lou: I'm sorry Kara; I can't lie to you. I don't. I've never seen anything like it. Ultimately, I think whatever happens is up to him, not your gods, and that...honestly kinda scares me too. But he's not just gonna walk this off either. I don't know what to tell you...there's nothing I can say. Collin walks over to Tori and sits down next to him in silence. Fawkes: So... what comes next, then? Do we just wait to see what happens? Lou: That, or you could leave. I know you care, but it's not easy to watch someone you know and love die. I should know, I've done it hundreds of times now. But I also know that even suggesting leaving him behind is kind of an insult to some of y'all, so I won't try to talk you down, 'cause I've been there too. Within moments there's a sound like something cracking; starting slow but building rapidly until Tori's heart visibly shatters into hundreds of tiny, blue shards. Clasping her hands over her mouth, Karumet falls to her knees on the brink of tears while Lou closes his eyes tightly and breathes in slow and deep. Karumet: I...I should've done something; I should've said something, I should've-- Lou: It's...I'm not going to lie, it's bad; but this isn't the worst thing that could've happened. He's alive! And look at all the people here. Get him back in that ship and he'll be fine in a week, if not sooner. Look, don't beat yourself up over this; you couldn't have stopped someone from shattering when you're shattered yourself. Karumet: But I...I let everyone down; I said that you could help-- Lou: Do you think he would've survived if you hadn't bought him here? You did everything you could; there's no point in crying now. He's hurt, Kara, not dead. He just needs help. Don't let him down. Taking a deep breath, Lou turns his attention to you. "...And you. He's gonna need you more than ever. And it's gonna be hard; and you're gonna be scared; and you're probably hurt pretty bad too; but what I said still stands: y'all did what you could, and now he needs your help." Collin lifts Tori's body in his arms, and leaves the group to return back to the IT. "Tell me something I don't know."

As everyone else voices their concerns with Lou or tries to figure out what they missed, Rio nervously follows you into the IT. Rio: ...I...I'm really sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how this has to feel. Collin: Neither can I. Haven't gotten to that stage yet. He heads to their room and gently places Tori on the bed before leaving the room once again. Rio: ...He keeps saying Tori's going to be okay, but what about you? Collin: Do I have a choice? I have to be okay. That's what's needed right now, so that's what's going to happen. Otherwise things will just get even worse, if that's even possible at this- ah who am I kidding, it's always possible. Rio: So you're just going to pretend? That... I...I don't know if I have the right to say this, but do you really feel like you have to hurt yourself just so he can feel okay? Collin: What else am I supposed to do in this situation? Rio: Be honest? I don't know what just happened; I'm sort of under the impression that Tori might not know either when he wakes up, but...you're human. So if you're scared; be scared. If you're hurting; feel hurt. You've been given an incredible range of emotions and sensations that...that beings like me couldn't even dream of. It's part of life, your life, and part of your unique situations. I don't think you have to pretend like you aren't being hurt by this when nobody else is trying to hide their grief and panic. Yes, you need to be strong sometimes, but locking how you feel away, that's​ just another way of being scared. You don't have to hide anymore; you don't need to be ashamed of yourself...it's okay. Collin: ... God... Goddammit, Rio.... In the span of a few seconds, Collin transitions from tearing up, to crying, to sobbing as he puts his back to a wall and slides down to the floor outside Tori's room. Unsure of how to respond, Rio simply sits down beside him. After a few minutes, Collin seems to settle slightly. A small box of tissues materializes on the floor next to him, which he uses to clean himself up, tossing each used tissue into the air where they vanish back into nothingness. He takes a deep breath and the box finally vanishes as well. "God, sorry about that. I'm trying not to be an enormous wreck over this, but it's... difficult." Rio: It's alright; I'm sure nobody would blame you. Of everyone on this ship, I'm almost positive you're taking this the hardest. If anything I'm just sorry there's not much I can really do to help... Collin: I'm not sure anyone could've helped in this situation, frankly. But you came with me here, which honestly helped. I'm not sure what I would've done by myself right now. Would've been a lot like Aperture, I guess. Rio: ...That sounds...well, uncomfortable would be an understatement. Cruel, maybe? But I'm glad to be here. I might not be able to help the situation, but I can still try to help you at least. Collin: Sorry, uh, that probably came wrong. What I mean is... Back when I was in Aperture, I had to cope with being trapped and constantly dodging actual death. After a while, I could feel myself going crazy with it all, so I decided to... not feel it? I've never really tried to talk about this before, so it's hard to explain. I guess I was trying to suppress that part of me that wanted to feel things. Fear, despair, exhaustion, stuff like that was just clouding my judgement, making it hard to think fast and keep going. So I just put on this act like I didn't feel any of that. Sometimes I'd go days or weeks without saying a word, and other times I'd constantly be talking to myself, talking out what I was thinking and trying to coolly and rationally figure out what I needed to do next. It was... a weird time, honestly.

speaking as someone who’s actually been in a state like that, I feel absolutely terrible hearing this, but I can also strongly relate

Rio: Well, that sounds absolutely terrible; not to mention probably very unhealthy...I'm glad you're out of that situation, but if you're feeling like that now too, that really is awful...I'm so sorry... Collin: It's fine, really. For the most part it's easy to ignore the impulse to go back to that. This is probably the first time since I broke out that the idea sounded... tempting, I guess. But you're right, I can't just put that mask back on. Tori's going to need me when he wakes up, and I can't be like that when he needs me the most. It is really frustrating though... I have all this new power and I still couldn't do anything with it to save him. Rio: To be fair, he was legitimately surrounded by people that seemed to be fairly talented in their fields, but...nobody could actually help in the end. Though maybe somebody did a little at least? He isn't actually dead; and he isn't a monster; so I'd say that even that little bit made some kind of difference; and that alone proves it wasn't any wasted effort! Collin: Yeah, I guess you've got a point there. I just hope I don't mess this up any further. Rio: I'm hoping things work out from here. The two of you have had it pretty hard lately! You really don't deserve that... Collin: Well, at least I got something out of the whole affair. This whole "magic powers" thing is still pretty weird, but I'm starting to get used to the idea. But Tori? What does he have, aside from a literal broken heart and God-knows what else comes with that? Rio: I'm afraid that's something we won't know until he wakes up... Collin: Who knows when that'll be... I need to walk outside or something, I can't sit here any longer. Do you mind coming with? Rio: Sure! It seems to be pretty peaceful here. The pair leave the IT for a short while to step away from the situation, even if just for a moment.

and so s3′s goal of trying to inform people about kleivenn stuff kicks off \o/

part 2 should be out soon-ish hopefully o:

[mewkiichigo]

-- Basic Info --

Name: Trojah Age: 22 Birthday: April 17, 1993 Shapeshifting Form: Dog Height: 4'9'' Width: 90 lbs.

-- Personal Info --

Sexual Orientation: Straight Libido: Medium-high Relationship Status: Reluctantly single Personality: Trojah is a bitch, plain and simple. She's selfish and usually only has her own self-interest at heart. She's not really the "friendly" type (unless you're not a bad-looking guy, because Trojah is also a total flirt~), usually staying away from socializing and having mostly negative interactions with the people she comes in contact with. Deep down, however, she is caring and, whether they're a friend or not, she has no desire to see anyone hurt or killed. When it comes to her friends -- and she can have a rather tough time making friends, if you couldn't guess -- she is extremely caring, protective, and loyal. She might be sarcastic to them, but that's just part of who she is. There is a difference between her sarcasm towards strangers and enemies, and her sarcasm towards friends. A good friend of her's will be able to tell, and if not, she will apologize if she upset them. History: Trojah comes from a long line of shapeshifters, and was named after her well-known (at least, well-known among her family) ancestor, Trojah (who, from this point, will be called TJ, a nickname given to her by her father). TJ's father was a warlock and her mother was a human. Her father comes from a long line of witches and warlocks whose main magical power was transfiguration. After marrying a human, his mother disowned him and went off to live alone in the wild. Thanks to him marrying a human, the human blood diluted the magical blood, causing all of their offspring (and their offspring's offspring, and their offspring's offspring, and their... well, you get the picture) to be shapeshifters rather than witches or warlocks. Because the witches/warlocks of their family also had animal familiars - which influenced their transfiguration, - all resulting shapeshifters could only transform into their 'animal familiar's' animal (meaning that they don't HAVE an animal familiar, but rather transform INTO their animal familiar). Complicated crap, I know. Back to the story, TJ's shapeshifting form is a purple dragon. She eventually fell in love with a human man, but when he found out she was a shapeshifter, he was freaked out and broke off the relationship. Hurt and still in love, TJ did the only thing she could think of: Visiting her grandmother and asking to be made a normal human. She knew her grandmother had disowned her father, but TJ thought it was worth the risk. Her exact words to her grandmother were: "Please, grandmother, take away my shapeshifting powers." Now, her grandmother, being the vindictive bitch that she is, DID take away TJ's shapeshifting powers, making her... a dragon permanently. Because TJ did not specify what form she wanted to stay in. Of course, her grandmother knew TJ wanted to stay a human, she just made TJ a dragon to be spiteful. As an added bit of revenge against her son (by torturing his daughter), she made TJ immortal. TJ, of course, could not be with the man she loved, but she eventually did take a mate - another shapeshifting dragon - and had children with him. She cares about him, though she's not actually in love with her mate. However, she knew she'd never fall in love again and settled for him. Her children eventually had children of their own, and so on and so forth. One of TJ's great grandchildren married a human and from then on, the shapeshifting ability began skipping a generation (which is why Trojah's parents aren't shapeshifters). Well, after watching her mate and her children die, and seeing grandchildren move into old age, TJ could not stand to watch those she loved pass away anymore, as she would be fated to do thanks to the immortality. So TJ cut herself off from the family. Yet, as distant as she tried to be, she still secretly watched her family from afar, helping when she could without being seen. Nobody has met her since she left. /tj history Trojah grew up normally, not knowing of her shapeshifting abilities. Her grandma Rosy had assured her parents that Trojah would exhibit sudden shapeshifting as she got older, so her parents decided to wait until then to tell Trojah, worried Trojah might abuse the ability if she knew at too young an age. As Trojah grew, she began to take joy in thieving, finding it a fun hobby as well as something she was pretty good at. On one of her heists, she met the son of a shop owner named Shiro, and the two got into a verbal argument outside the store. When the police, who Shiro called, arrived, they didn't realize Shiro was the one who called them and both Trojah and Shiro ended up running from the police (as escaping successfully, thanks to Trojah). From then on, they struck up a strong friendship that, for Trojah at least, began to evolve into love. Shiro had a secret, though. One night, Trojah went to meet him and saw that he had become a werewolf. He chased after her as she ran away, eventually pinning her down and biting her shoulder. To save herself, she threw him off a cliff, killing him. Convinced that the werewolf bite would make her a werewolf as well, and that she would be a danger to her family and the town, Trojah ran away and lived in a cove in the woods. The isolation of living alone took it's toll on Trojah. She began to hallucinate. She truly started to believe that she held a space demon's soul in her body and that police from another planet wanted Trojah dead, as killing Trojah would also kill the demon. This 'demon', which was merely a voice in Trojah's mind, constantly berated Trojah and put her down, bringing Trojah's self esteem down to nil. Trojah also hallucinated two 'friends' in the forest - runaways, like her - who treated her horribly, subtly rubbing in their close friendship with each other in Trojah's face. She was also sure she was transforming into a werewolf and hurting others, finding that there were blackouts in her recent memory. This scared her even more. One day, 4 years after Trojah ran away, she was sneaking into town to steal some food when she ran into her parents. Seeing them again after so long caused Trojah to break down, and she told them everything. In turn, they told her that she was actually a shapeshifter, and that shapeshifters are immune to werewolf and vampire bites. Trojah's 'werewolf transformations' was simply her subconsciously shapeshifting, as she expected to transform at certain times, and so she did. She had automatically suppressed the memories of her transformed state, frightened of what she did as a 'werewolf', which caused her blackouts. She went back to living with her parents for a while, happy with her life. Unfortunately, it would not last long. TJ's grandmother (I'm going to call her WG for now -- stands for Witch Grandma), being a witch, lived for quite a while (not immortal; witches just have long life spans; a note of trivia: Warlocks have a longer life span than humans as well, but shorter ones than witches). She hated what her family line became, how the magical beings her blood created became diluted and produced children with mediocre powers. She felt it was shameful. During the time she lived, she took on an apprentice, a girl named Tory. Tory wasn't a pureblooded witch, which was why she needed a mentor -- witches and warlocks are born with magic and are usually taught by their parents (Tory's parents are very alive); Tory was trying to awaken her magical power that her human blood diluted. As such, Tory resented WG's racism towards non-purebloods, though she loved WG deeply as her mentor. Eventually, Tory chose to kill WG for her racism, believing she needed to be punished. Believing that WG's death meant she had been punished and thus could be forgiven. Afterwards, Tory began to train herself, planning to wipe out all of WG's descendants as per her mentor's wishes. She doesn't completely want to, but she feels it's her duty regardless of her personal feelings on the matter. Finally, Tory was ready and decided to target Trojah and her immediate family. Rosie, Trojah's grandma, found out about it from Tory's moron of a sidekick (WG's familiar) and dropped a letter in Trojah's cove, explaining everything. She also went to warn Trojah's parents. Tory found out about this and killed Rosie, but not before Rosie successfully warned Trojah's parents. Trojah's parents are Tory's priority due to the fact that can still procreate. Tory wants them dead first to avoid the creation of MORE family members. Trojah being barren is known in her family, so while Tory DOES want her dead, she's not at the very top of the list. However, just because Trojah's not top priority does not mean Tory won't kill her first if the opportunity arises. As such, Trojah's parents AND Trojah must go into hiding, meaning Trojah is stuck living at her cove again.

-- Relationships --

Mother: Nizuna Father: Grandmother: Rosie Grandfather: Crush: KP (dipnoi) Best Friend: Azia Nizuna || missing; family; familal love; respect || "Stay safe, Mom. I don't want you to die like Grandma Rosie." Rosie || dead; family; familal love; respect || "I miss you, even if you were annoying sometimes. I owe you my parents' lives... and my own." KP (dipnoi) || friend; crush || "So... friends?" Trojah and KP have a... complicated relationship. When they first met, Trojah quickly found out that KP had a curse: He is forced to do whatever someone of the female gender commands of him. Trojah wasted no time in taking advantage of this for her own amusement, having him do menial and annoying tasks such as carrying her to different trees because she didn't like the shade each one provided. As time went on, despite her somewhat abusive behavior, Trojah found herself falling for him. Unfortunately for her, when she finally confessed her feelings, she found he was already taken. She stuck around a bit longer after that, but they eventually went their own ways. Upon meeting him again, she realized KP didn't remember her confession and she decided to keep it that way... until he later figured it out on his own and, considering at that time she had just made a deal with a witch to put his recently removed curse back into place, he rejected her harshly. Trojah tried to get the curse removed, going so far as to give herself up to servitude. KP came to forgive her and helped her escape her fate as the witch's slave (and getting the curse back in the process) and, though he still didn't reciprocate her feelings, he became her friend. Though Trojah still has feelings for him, and will always have a place in her heart for him, she's satisfied with being just friends. Azia || best friend || "I don't know what you've been through, but I'm so glad you're back!" Azia and Trojah go way back, being best friends for a while, early in Trojah's life of isolation. Eventually, Azia became a bit distant because she got married and had twins. She tried to stay in contact with Trojah, but she eventually just disappeared along with her family. Azia only recently returned, and Trojah, realizing Azia hadn't left because she wanted to, welcomed her with open arms. Azia was different, though -- her attitude wasn't as sharp, and her left leg was now completely red. Azia went through a lot in her absence and it doesn't look like she's going to disclose that information anytime soon. Trojah does want to know, but she respects her friend's wishes, knowing Azia will tell her the truth when she's ready.

-- Trivia --

Basic Trivia: - Has no interest in learning to drive cars - Her modes of transportation are her motorcycle and her roller blade shoes - Shoplifting is a hobby for her - Prefers dog form to human form - Is barren (unable to have children) - which is okay because she hates kids anyway~ - She's usually sarcastic and bitchy, though the more she likes you, the nicer she is. The problem is getting her to like you - However, romance is her biggest weakness. She tends to be 'weak in the knees', so to speak, towards the one she loves, often becoming rather submissive to him - Favorite color is blue - Biggest fear is loneliness - Got a rose tattoo on her left hip only, and she has it in both forms Physical Trivia (Human): - Always wears her red ribbon, in some fashion, which her grandmother Rosie gave her - Shoes are roller blade shoes (where you press a button to make them roller blades) - Wears two earrings in her left ear and 3 in her right - Prefers hoop earrings, but wears stubs to bed - Her hoops are gold, her stubs are silver - Except for the bottom hoop in her right ear, which has exactly 4 silver beads attached to it leading to a silver cross - Loves wearing her red choker and almost never takes it off - Prefers short shorts as they feel more comfortable than regular shorts - HATES wearing dresses and skirts - Breasts are a b cup, but they are squishy rather than perky and, in certain positions, can end up looking larger than they are Physical Trivia (Dog): - Peculiarly short for a border collie, being a bit shorter than a sheltie collie, most likely due to her shortness as a human - Particularly long tail - Large paws for her small size - Always wears a white baggy tail cover for no reason whatsoever (and it doesn't carry over into her human form because reasons) - Her jewelry carries over from human form to dog form - Her red ribbon always becomes the base to her tail cover when in dog form, no matter how she wore it as a human

She was LOOOOOOONG overdue for a ref sheet.

If you don't want to be mentioned, Lucky, let me know and I'll remove you from her info. n_n;

TO ELABORATE ON HER CRUSHING STATUS:

She knows KP will never reciprocate her feelings, but she still has feelings for him. She is satisfied with just being his friend, though, and won't let her feelings get in the way of that.

(dA link)

Trojah and art © Me

[pvpxrswvg]

Top 25 Albums of 2016

 Like a normal rational human being, I've left my end of year list to the start of January due to the fact that, as seemingly unbeknownst to most publications, there are still albums being released as late as December 31st; shocking I know. It also helps the format of my blog, as the 30th was expectedly pretty dull, so it's a great time to skip a week and get on that revision game.

This list is basically what I'm expecting to listen to most in the future, based on my past listening habits and how sustainable those listens seem. It's slightly different to just listing what I've been bumping the most in 2016, as there's a couple noticeable cases where albums I played pretty consistently throughout the year are starting to feel stale.

While this is a top 25 list, 25-11 I'm going to group together as I don't really feel like splitting hairs that thoroughly. I've listed them in alphabetical order as well so that nobody will get confused. There is also a pretty noticeable gap in quality between 10 and 11, so it's a pretty great place to divide the list. The top 10 albums I know I'll be playing in the future, whilst it's going to be kind of random as to which of the other albums I'll be going back to the most.

I’ll try to explain a bit about why I liked these albums, however this will mainly be contained to albums that I haven’t already reviewed. This looks like being the longest post I’ve ever made so I’ll be cutting as many corners as I can.

Finally, this is a hip-hop list, which means no Frank Ocean, no Anderson Paak and no Childish Gambino.

Alright here we go:

25-11:

A$AP Mob – Cozy Tapes Vol. 1: Friends

One of the low key bangers of the year with incredibly consistent vibes and continually solid rapping. There’s nothing special about this album that’s able to hook me into loving it, but the quality of the tape is undeniable.

This project is also notable for getting me to recognize the talent of A$AP Rocky again, as he comes across as an absolute superstar on this tape. A$AP Nast also announced himself as one to watch, as he was also a class above his fellow A$AP brethren.

De La Soul – and the Anonymous Nobody

Employing a live band, De La Soul were able to capture some really impressive sounds, including the deliciously funky Pain and the tangibly melancholic Greyhounds. While this tape was a little all over the place and I’m still not sure how I feel about the rock influences, Plug 1-3 are all good enough rappers that this tape is consistently entertaining.

Desiigner – New English

New English feels like the rap equivalent of a grindcore album, with short energetic bursts of wild erratic melodies that end at the perfect moment. I’m not going to pretend that this is a classic or anything, but what Desiigner does well here is enough for me to keep coming back to it.

Future – EVOL

It seems that in a lot of circles 2016 is being viewed as the year that Future fell off. While his 2015 was never going to be topped, EVOL was enough for me to be satisfied with Future’s year. The opening four tracks are all prime Future and Low Life deserves all of its popularity.

Probably my second favorite Future release overall.

Gucci Mane – Everybody Looking

Despite being incarcerated for the first five months, 2016 was the year of Gucci Mane. While this album isn’t the best of the year, if we’re measuring albums based on importance this is easily number one. No Sleep is an unforgettable introduction to the first post-prison Gucci Album, while tracks such as Guwop Home and 1st Day Out Tha Feds show that this project was well and truly worth the hype.

Ka – Honor Killed the Samurai

While Ka isn’t an artist that I can listen to all the time, whenever I do give Honor Killed the Samurai a spin I am blown away by the sheer talent on display. While the lack of rhythm and hooks prevent me from being able to fully enjoy this record, the fact that Ka can be so entertaining with his monotone style and minimal production, goes to show just how talented a rapper he is. 

I’m going to debut my support blog soon, which I’ll be doing a top artists of 2016 post on. Ka will definitely feature on that list, as in 2016 Ka capitalized on the success of Dr. Yen Lo and turned himself into one of the most respected names in underground hip-hop.

Kanye West - The Life of Pablo

The more I listen to The Life of Pablo, the more I think that Kanye was really close to releasing another classic album. 30 Hours, No More Parties In LA, Real Friends, Fade, Father Stretch My Hands Pt. 1, Saint Pablo and Ultralight Beam are all some of my favorite Kanye songs, but as a front to back project this is an absolute mess.

Lil Yachty – Lil Boat the Mixtape

While a lot of people hate Yachty, the style that he has developed here is truly innovative and captured a sound that a lot of people wanted to hear. If you go into this album looking to check off the boxes of what makes a great hip-hop album, you’re going to have a bad time, in fact I’d compare this to something like the new Negative Gemini album, before I’d put Yachty’s name in the same sentence as Kendrick Lamar.

This project has its large and obvious flaws, but there are some genuine classics here as Lil Yachty stumbled upon a truly unique and truly great sound.

Rae Sremmurd – SremmLife 2

In my opinion, this was really close to being an absolutely phenomenal album. After already proving themselves to be the king of hooks, the brother’s rapping ability took a huge step forward on this project, while Mike Will once again brought the heat.

The Look Alive to Set the Roof stretch is AOTY material, but the rest of this project leaves a lot to be desired as a lot of tracks fall just short of hitting their mark.

Run the Jewels – Run the Jewels 3

Although I wasn’t kind to it in my review, this was still a pretty great release and all of my gripes with it are kind of superficial. I have a ton of respect for both Killer Mike and El-P, so while this isn’t the first album that I’ll be going to in order to get my fix from those artists, I’ll still go back to this occasionally.  

Schoolboy Q – Blank Face LP

While I absolutely loved this when it first came out, there are about 25 minutes that easily could have been cut from this project, which ultimately makes it kind of hard to get through. Once my hype for the stronger tracks on this album dissipated, I lost a lot of enthusiasm for the project and I haven’t been going back to it much since. The production here is still phenomenal; there will be a long summer’s drive in 2018 where I give this another chance and I’m guaranteed to have the time of my life.

Tory Lanez – I Told You

This might have been the worst timed release in the history of music. You almost have to wonder if Frank Ocean has some kind of beef with Daystar Peterson, as the surprise Blonde drop fucking destroyed this album. Anyway, this is one of the funnest albums of 2016. From the admittedly hard tracks like Another One and Flex where Tory showcases some truly infectious flows (I don’t care what anyone says, the delivery on “458, I dropped it in the Winter//Big homie asked a nigga what I'm down for//Looked him in the eye and said to do it 'til I'm bigger than ya”” is dope as fuck), to the poppier tracks like Cold Hard Love and Luv, this album has some really great highlights; although 80 minutes is way too long for this type of project. Still I’m a sucker for changing up flows to ride a beat, which Tory does phenomenally, so I’m pretty excited to see what he does going forward (I’m still yet to listen to the two tapes he recently dropped, but I’m pretty stoked).

Vince Staples – Prima Donna

I’m probably being a bit too harsh leaving this out of my top 10, but I was really disappointed in this project. I said in my review that this felt like a throwaway release to get his tracks with James Blake out there to the public and I still strongly believe that. From rushed tracks to Summertime 06 b-sides and the aforementioned James Blake tracks, there isn’t really a lot here to go back to; especially when his discography is as solid as it is.

I’m a huge Vince Staples fan, so I’ll probably turn around on this eventually, but there’s definitely better projects from this year.

YG – Still Brazy

I really never expected anything from YG as an artist, yet on this project YG showed a ton of potential as he dropped a project that was oozing west coast funk while showing a surprising amount of lyrical density. When you listen to the bouncy west coast bangers such as Why You Always Hating and the phenomenal Twist My Fingaz, you’d assume YG would be spitting ignorant lyrics that you can tune out while cruising in the whip. Yet tracks like the hard hitting Who Shot Me? show an artist that is just as good at penning a verse. While this was a project that I thought didn’t play that well front to back, what it does well is well and truly stunning.

Z-Ro – Drankin & Drivin'

Z-Ro is a god damn legend. Just like other legends from the Houston scene, Z-Ro makes album that is absolute prime driving music, as there’s nothing I’d rather hear coming home from work on a hot day than Z-Ro’s smooth pimp ass singing. Devil Ass City in particular may be one of the tracks of the year (I’m probably never going to get the Curtis line out of my head), while the rest of the project is some of the smoothest shit I’ve heard.

10. Czarface – A Fistful of Peril

When writing reviews, I try to approach from the perspective of a non hip-hop listener.

It kind of bugs me when people dismiss an artist like Lil Uzi Vert by saying that they don’t have insane rhyme schemes or interesting subject matter, as they are cheap criticisms that are only used against people in the hip-hop genre. A band like Radiohead doesn’t have dope multi-syllabic rhyme schemes, but nobody cares because they aren’t part of the culture.

Therefore, I like to approach hip-hop music as if it weren’t hip-hop. 21 Savage should be judged as he is, not compared to verbose poets such as Nas and Andre 3000. When listening to Czarface, I kind of question my previous viewpoint, as Esoteric and The Rebel INS put on an absolute clinic of wordplay, rhyme schemes and pure fucking rapping. It’s an absolute delight to listen to and the dirty electronic production of 7L was enough to elevate their sound to something truly heavenly. 

9. Noname - Telefone

Noname might have the best flow in all of hip-hop at the moment. With a soft style that has Andre 3000 levels of smoothness, Noname rides her production creating infectious melodies that often outshine her mostly forgettable production. Her rapping focuses on repeating inflections with her continually reusing the same delivery each line to creative a hypnotic repetitive flow that is undeniably groovy. With witty one liners and vivid storytelling, Noname also proves herself to be an interesting MC as well.

Ultimately with the combination of her unbelievably pleasant delivery and interesting subject matter, Noname is perhaps the rapper that I was most interested in hearing actually rap in 2016.

8. Gucci Mane - Woptober

While Everybody Looking was a bigger and more important release, Woptober was simply better. Featuring a dark, heavy and designed for skrip clubs sound, Woptober manages to be an incredibly competent album with zero dull moments and some pretty great highlights such as Money Machine and Hi-Five.

Gucci Mane using his respect to get all of the big names in ATL production to come together and create one cohesive project is one of the best things to happen in 2016, seeing this much talent work together is truly stunning.

7. 21 Savage – Savage Mode

Both of these artists had a tremendous 2016. Metro Boomin had genuine hits in Low Life, Father Stretch My Hands Pt 1, and Bad and Boujee, while 21 Savage became one of the most popular rappers in the game and a must have feature.

This tape exemplifies why these guys were so popular, as they both bring their A game and play off each other tremendously. Metro catered his production perfectly to 21 Savage’s subtle style while still putting in one of the best production efforts of the year. While a lot of people don’t get it, there is a reason 21 Savage blew up on this tape, as his endearingly gangsta lyrics and slow leaned out style is genuinely dope as fuck.

6. Danny Brown – The Atrocity Exhibition

Perhaps the most progressive record of 2016, as Paul White experimented with a lot of elements that would have felt completely out of place behind any other rapper. While an instrumental version of this album would be amazing, I fear that I’d spend all of my listens bewildered at how Danny Brown made these beats work.

5. Maxo Kream – The Persona Tape

The Persona Tape is the most Houston album that’s come out in an incredibly long time.

As someone who spent most of 2016 listening to a variety of Houston Legends, having Maxo Kream drop his love letter to the golden age of Southern Hip-Hop was truly a blessing. While Trap music is great, when listening to a track like Coming Dine you can’t help but feel nostalgia for the g-funk influenced, crack selling, pimping, and leaned out sounds of 90s Houston.

This album isn’t all Houston nostalgia, as tracks like Smoke Break and Out The Front Door show an artist who is capable of creating dope tracks in a variety of fresh and innovative styles. Speaking of Smoke Break, the parts where the beat drops out and Maxo is rapping over just the percussion is some of my favorite rapping of all of 2016.

Overall this is an incredibly fun project by an incredibly talented rapping employing beats that make me genuinely happy. Tremendous release.

4. Denzel Curry - Imperial

While Denzel is guilty of rapping some absolute gibberish in the name of hype verses with insane rhyme schemes, as you’re rapping along and going HAM alongside the most energetic rapper in the game all is forgiven as Denzel continually crafts some of the funnest flows that you can’t help but rap along with (See Sick and Tired).

This album was recently updated by his label, dropping Pure Enough and Narcotics for the anthemic Me Now and the upbeat Good Night, which is one of the few album edits that I 100% got behind. Perhaps it was the fact that it made an album I had played to death feel fresh again, but I really got behind this change and it really elevated my opinion of this release.

3. A Tribe Called Quest - We got it from Here... Thank You 4 Your service

The first disc of this album is perfect. While I like the second disc a lot more than when I reviewed it, if the whole project was at the level of the first disc then this would be a legitimate album of the decade contender.

This album is really well blended with incredibly interesting beat shifts and rappers talented enough to ride them perfectly. Busta Rhyme’s verse on Mobius is pretty legendary, but the beat changing before he comes in elevates it to another level and the album is full of great moments like that. Too many times in hip-hop you’ll see the beat show you everything it has to offer in the first 10 seconds, so the refusal of basic loops really makes this an especially memorable album.

2. Kendrick Lamar – Untitled Unmastered

I am comfortable admitting that I am an unabashed gigantic Kendrick fanatic who considers K-Dot to be without question the most talented spitter to debut after the year 2000. So it should come as no surprise that I would rate an album of his unmastered outtakes so highly.

2 (Get Top On The Phone) and 7 (Levitate) are genuinely great, while the rest is Kendrick coasting and producing shit that’s better than 99% of the rap game.

This also marks the second straight year that Kendrick has had the runner up spot for my AOTY, with him obviously releasing the much stronger and much more polished To Pimp A Butterfly last year. While that would suggest that I preferred 2015, while I did really enjoy its top end I think 2016 edges it from a pure depth perspective.

1. Isaiah Rashad – The Sun's Tirade

Honestly, nothing came close to this.

This is pretty much everything I want in a hip-hop record, as Isaiah Rashad blends the west coast sounds of Kendrick with his Southern roots that are influenced by legends such as Scarface and Andre 3000. The way Isaiah rides the phenomenal production with his lazy southern drawl makes this an album that I can play at any time.

Jay Rock also drops the verse of the year here, in another effort that nobody came close to, besides Three Stacks of course.