#but no just my silly watch with my silly little hayden love letters

[robertsbarbie]

me in the shower cause i needed to wash my hair before my haircut tomorrow and tucker starts crying and running back and forth, and then trying to even get IN the shower before sitting in front of it panting so i race to get out cause i think there's someone there or in my room ect and i get out and find he was just scared of my charging watch getting notifications from hayden 🧍🏼‍♀️

[thorne93]

History Repeats (Part 14)

Prompt: Life’s hard, right? Well throw in a not so great job, a broken heart, and chasing a pipe dream in LA. But could someone come along to make all the bad shit disappear? Or is he just another heartbreak waiting around the bend?

Warnings: language, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, angst/heartbreak, adult themes (??)

Word Count: 2525

Note: Aesthetic made by @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo because she’s absolutely amazing Beta’d by @like-a-bag-of-potatoes and @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo . Brainstorming from @carryonmyswansong​

**Song Inspiration: I Almost Do by Taylor Swift; 3AM by Halsey; When The Party’s Over by Billie Eilish

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you woke up, you felt like shit, and not because of the drugs and alcohol that only recently vacated your system. You groaned, squeezing your eyes shut. Did you really kick Hayden out? Were you honestly that far gone? 

Yeah, he broke your heart. He wasn’t the first asshole to do it, but he did stick around. Maybe that was because he had to though.

No, you knew better. He had enough money to stay at a hotel, but he stayed with you. He cared about you. It just hurt so bad to not have him any more. You hadn’t said you loved him, not yet, but you did, you loved him with everything you had and he just… broke everything. 

 Maybe you should go apologize.

Pulling yourself out of bed, you slipped on a comfortable shirt and yoga pants before you trodded out to the guest room, Hayden’s room. You knocked on the door before poking your head in. 

Only, there was nothing there. All of his things gone. His suitcases absent. No note, no letter, not even a post-it note. 

A choked sob escaped you. You knew you kicked him out, but you gave him until the next night. He was already gone?

So much for staying. So much for caring. 

No text, no call, no letter. It seemed as if he truly did want to be gone from you. 

Fine. If that’s the way he wanted it… Wish granted. 

------------------------

Months went by and you tried to forget him, tried to turn your pain into art.

Trey worked hard to get your EP ready. You had several tracks that you wanted to feature and he did enjoy your lyrics and tune. He was happy to work with you and the other members of your band to get the sound you wanted. 

By the time the singles were released, you were already becoming a hit. You hit all of the media platforms and your work exploded, sending you soaring to the charts. You weren’t quite topping them yet, but you were definitely being demanded on the radio and your Youtube and Spotify numbers were great, rising all the time. 

As time went on though, your addiction only grew. With Hayden out of your life, the glaring reminders that you lost all your old friends, and none of your old boyfriends seemed to ever love you, there was nothing to stop you from becoming nearly dependent on the drugs and alcohol. 

You’d never been like this in your life, but you’d never been at such an odd time in your life either. On every romantic and personal front, your life was a total flop, a zero sum. But your career, your dream job was finally taking off. The world was your oyster, you were rubbing shoulders with musical big wigs, meeting huge names and musicisinas. 

Between the complete amazement you were in from being discovered and having your heart broken for the last time, you were a mental mess. 

Hayden wasn’t just another guy. Jason was just another guy, just like every ex before him. 

But Hayden, he was different. When you and Jason split up, it wasn’t the man you mourned, but the death of yet another relationship. With Hayden, you missed him, not being together. You missed the light he brought to your life. You missed the way he supported you. You missed the way you two could joke about movies together. You missed how you could act completely goofy and silly and he joined in. 

You loved him, you were in love with him, and he pulled the rug out from under you.

That was why your habit of using coke was slowly getting worse. You managed to keep your job, for a while, keep the desires away. Then you started to get where you were barely sober for that too and just when your boss mentioned it, you decided it was time to leave anyway. You put in your two weeks and left gracefully.

As soon as you were no longer tied to the hotel, Trey put you in every lounge, venue, and club he could find. You were singing all of your songs on your EP. Every night you did a show, you got off the stage, got drunk or high, or both, and then you crashed. 

Same routine, every night. 

Anything to numb the pain of losing Hayden, of feeling like your life was in shambles. It wasn’t just losing Hayden, it was realizing you had no close friends, no one else to lean on. He’d become your best friend, your confidant, your lover. He was everything you ever wanted or needed, and he was gone. 

Neither of you had sent any messages to each other. It killed you, but you had to move forward, if that’s what you could call drowning your sorrows in a bottle or a baggie. 

Tonight, you just got done singing a set and you were hanging out with Darren, Veronica, Brad, and Tai. Unbeknownst to you, Hayden was actually about to make a stop by this bar. He had some contacts in your circle, a few people he knew in the music world that he asked to keep an eye on you, and if you got too out of control or needed help, they should let him know. He also watched your Instagram and Twitter, keeping an eye on your partying that way.

He’d gotten a few texts before about you, just an update on how you were, but tonight was a red alert from a guy that was somewhat in your circle. He watched you as you did a bump of coke, drink whatever was passed to you, and you were all over everyone in the bar. It was a sloppy mix of drunk-high. You held onto everyone, laughing, trying to crawl on the bar, making a complete ass of yourself. 

Typically your antics were cheered on because everyone in your scene was pretty wild, but even tonight some of them were worried about how you were acting. 

Hayden made his way downtown as soon as he got the text, looking for the bar. Finally, as he walked by, he saw you through the window. You were laughing, throwing your head back, hanging on other people, and trying to dance. 

You were a mess, and that was obvious. 

He pressed his lips into a thin line before going into the bar. He made his way over to you. He wanted to say he felt relief when he saw you, but he didn’t. He just felt worse. He wasn’t an idiot about your drug abuse, he also wasn’t stupid to see what had triggered it. He just thought it was stupid for you to get mixed up in this shit over him. He wasn’t worth it. 

He could see how it was affecting you. Dark circles painted your eyes, your clothes hung loosely on your body, you looked as if you were awake solely from the drugs. He hated how bad you looked.

“Hey,” he greeted loudly over the bar music and patrons. 

You looked over and saw him, your eyes going in and out of focus. “Oh my god, it’s you! Hey! Stay! Have a drink!” you encouraged as you fell all over him, putting your arms around him. In your current state, none of the pain that would’ve normally come from seeing him happened. 

“Hey, no, I’m good. This isn’t really my scene. Y/N, you seem really far gone, do you want me to take you home?” 

You pushed away from him, frowning. “What? No, why would I want that?” You reached in your purse and grabbed something, about to put it in your mouth. “I’m having a good time here, Hayden. You should try it,’ you urged giddily.

“Are you fucking crazy?” he demanded as he slapped the little white thing out of your hand. “Was that fucking E? On top of what you already have in your system?”

“The fuck is your problem?” you ordered, angry.

“My problem is you destroying your life and your body,” he informed.  “I’m taking you home,” he stated firmly. He started to turn you around and push you outside. Everyone started to look your way. 

“No, you aren’t!” you protested loudly, moving wildly, but he just persisted. He went around in front of you, grabbed your wrist, and tugged you outside and started walking you down the sidewalk until you got yourself free of his hold. “Jesus! What the fuck is your deal? Those are my friends. I’m having a good time!” 

“A good time?” he demanded, his voice reigned in anger. “You think this is a good time? You’re out of your fucking mind.” 

“Hey, Mr. Entertainment Business newsflash,a  party-girl image is great publicity. Trey encourages this so long as I’m fine to record.”

“Oh, I’m so glad to hear that your producer endorses you getting high and drunk, as long as you’re off the clock.” 

“You aren’t my handler, you’re not my parents, yo’re not my baby sitter, so just fuck off.”

He stared at you, clenching his jaw. “If you want to stay here and become like---If you want to stay here and party, that’s fine, but I’m done. I’m done with this. I’m done watching you ruin your life and throw so much potential away. I’m not gonna stick around to watch you drive your self into rock bottom when I’ve tried like hell to get you to wake the fuck up.”

“You didn’t stick around! Newsflash, asshole! You left! You left me high and dry.” 

“You kicked me out!” he reminded. “After I tried to approach you about your addiction. And I did stick around, you just didn’t know it.” 

“You didn’t approach me about it, you attacked me about it. Besides, what the hell do you mean you’re not going to stick around or watch me? You haven’t been around.” 

Letting out a sigh, he ran his hand down his face. “When I left, I may have asked some friends to keep an eye on you. I told them to update me if you were getting worse or better.”

“You were spying on me?” you asked, gasping.

“No, I just had people keeping an eye on you. If they were at the same party or something, they’d just let me know how you were doing.”

“Oh, nice to know you cared so much,” you retorted, rolling your eyes. You were getting more and more sober with the fresh air and the anger.  

“I do care. I think I’m the only one you know who does’ fucking care about you. I’m the only one not letting you just become an addict. I’m fighting for you.”

“Oh, is that what you were doing when you broke up with me? Fighting for me?”

He glared at you. He didn’t want to have this conversation. “Yes, I was. I was trying to make sure we were making the right choice.”

“Oh, spare me the bullshit!” you shouted, your head falling back. “I’m sick of this. I’m sick of the lies. Just be honest with me. You didn’t care about me, you didn’t love me, you wanted a rebound. You weren’t worried about the both of us. You’re just like everyone else. You wanted something to distract you from your ex leaving you and I was the perfect replacement. Then when you got bored, you cast me aside.” 

“You weren’t a replacement! You weren’t my rebound,” he yelled. 

“Then what was it?!” you screamed. “Because from where I stood, you and I were perfect, more than perfect. We could spend time with each other, lean on each other, support each other, we lived together, I met your child, we had date nights all the time and all of that just -- you ended it. Without warning. We didn’t even talk about it. You didn’t even ask me how I was feeling, if I cared about you. You just decided for the both of us that it would be better if this wasn’t a rebound. But it wasn’t ever about that. It was about me taking putting someone else before me like I always do, and I’m the one who got fucking hurt, not you.”

He shook his head. “I’m sorry that you got hurt. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It hurt me too. And it hurts like hell to watch you do this to yourself. You think I liked watching you come home high and drunk all the time?” 

“I don’t imagine it bothered you too much. We weren’t dating any more.” 

He shrugged. “So? Just because I’m not dating you, it doesn’t mean I don’t give a shit about you.”

“See, in my world, it does. You don’t break someone’s fucking heart then try to tell them you still care. You’re the one who decided to date me. I asked, you shot me down. Then, when I was really happy, when I thought this was real, that we had a shot, that this was something that would last and you just ripped it away. No conversation.” 

He shook his head. “Yeah, and I’m sorry for that. I am. I should’ve talked to you, but is this really what you want? You want to be so numb and fucked up on drugs you can’t function?”

“I can function just fine, thanks for checking in!”

“I can’t believe you’re fine with this. You’ve been so strong since I met you. Going after your dream, working hard at your job, you never would’ve given into this bullshit, despite what happened between us.” 

“Yeah, well shit changes. Clearly you know that.”

“Nothing changed. I cared for you then, and I do now.” 

You scoffed. “Spare me, alright? It was clear to me after you left you never gave a shit. I licked your wounds so you could heal and then you left me. Fuck off. You don’t get the right to tell me where I can hang out, what I can do, or when I can do it.” You got in his face, your voice low before you turned around to head back inside. 

He stood there more upset than he had been when you two first broke up. He wasn’t sure what he thought he would gain from coming out tonight. He just thought he could save you from yourself. He knew he was the reason you went on the downward spiral but he didn’t know how to fix it. 

He bit his lip to keep from crying as he watched you rejoin your friends and pick up a shot glass and knock it back. He shook his head as he turned to walk down the street.

He couldn’t keep doing this to himself, or to you. He needed to move on. He couldn’t watch you suffer any more. He had tried to help you. Every time he did though, you turned him down - hard. 

With his heart heavy, he took a taxi back to his new hotel and tried to forget all about you.

If only it were that easy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Forever Tag:

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Hayden Christensen:

@coldlilheart​​

@haydens-moles​​

History Repeats:

@multifandomblog315​​

[hansoloschubbybrother]

My Opinion On The Last Jedi...For What It’s Worth

Having just watched The Last Jedi again and having seen way too many YouTube videos from people who hated the movie, I just had to write down my thoughts on it because I disagree with so many of the things that people hated about it.

It wasn’t perfect but, on the whole, I still think it is a great movie, mostly because of the choices made regarding the story arcs for the main characters.

But before I get into that though, I’m going to confirm some of the things where I can agree with the haters.  Firstly, Mary Poppins Leia.  It’s a nice idea that, by being blown into space, Leia’s survival instinct kicks in and enables her to use the force in a way she hadn’t before but I thought it looked awful and by just not having her blown into space in the first place would have been better.  The moment with Kylo Ren deciding not to shoot would have been more poignant and instead of Holdo being needed, Leia could have remained in charge and Admiiral Ackbar could have been the one to sacrifice himself by using light speed to obliterate the First Order fleet, giving him the noble death such a character deserved.

Just on that whole using light speed as a weapon thing, I’ve listened to people using it as another reason to put down the film, saying that if it was a plausible weapon it would have been used already so having it in TLJ doesn’t make sense.  Rian Johnson or someone had a cool idea that looked great in the movie and if other people involved in previous movies had thought of the idea then I’m sure they would have used it too.  It was a great moment in the film and people need to stop trying to find reasons to dislike the movie that aren’t there.

Next up is some of the humour.  Whilst I enjoyed some it, overall it felt a little out of place in a good Star Wars movie and harked back more to the prequels.  It may have been an attempt to appeal to children, but I felt the same way about Luke milking that animal and going fishing and the way BB-8 is used. In the original trilogy, R2-D2 would never actually ride a AT-ST, he may have found a way to control something by interfacing with a computer terminal but not actually driven something himself. This step toward children’s comedy was just one of the reasons I mostly disliked the prequel trilogy and wasn’t necessary here either.  The original trilogy didn’t have that and it didn’t stop those films from becoming an obsession for most children at the time.

My final gripe about TLJ is the over arching story of the slow chase.  Not only does it seem silly that the First Order would need to wait to destroy them, it created the need for the whole Canto Bight scene.  I enjoyed Finn and Rose’s scenes when they were on Snoke’s ship and I also enjoyed DJ as a character, but they needed to find a better way to make that all play out.  I really enjoyed the film’s opening battle with the dreadnought and the end battle on Crait but the story they created to get them from one place to the next was very underwhelming.

In spite of these issues, I still really enjoyed the film and that was mostly because of how they developed the story of each of the main characters.  On the whole, I thought they got this spot on and is generally where I seem to differ hugely from many of the online posting star wars fanbase.

I will leave Luke until last as I think his treatment in the film is what has caused the most hate from the fanbase, not least from Mark Hamill himself.  Instead, I’ll start with Rey as she is probably the character where there is the most common ground.  Undoubtedly for me, Rey is far too much of a Mary Sue.  As the central character of this new trilogy, this is not great film making.  If they needed her to have these abilities/skills from the get go, they shouldn’t have made her an orphaned desert girl at the start.  The journey they needed her to make was too far, too soon.  I know they are trying to explain how this is possible by saying that she basically downloaded Kylo Ren’s skills but it’s not very believable.  This said, I don’t actually believe that TLJ is what makes her a Mary Sue.  This problem is one created by TFA.  In TLJ, she doesn’t actually advance her skills set a great deal, other than to move a bunch of rocks, which is Jedi Training 1.1. Therefore, this is not a problem with TLJ, it’s the knock on effect from a big failure with TFA…which is not the last time I’ll say that.

We then have the issue of Rey’s parents, the source of much speculation between the two films.  I mentioned in a post I wrote after the film came out that I’m glad that her parents are nobodies.  Star Wars is a vast galaxy, why does she have to be some blood relative of an existing character.  It would be difficult to realistically explain that she is a relative of one of the key characters from the original trilogy and very unimaginative.  It is far better that her heritage broadens the Star Wars landscape, not enclose it furthermore.  For those that wanted her to be a Kenobi or a Solo or whatever, there is always the possibility that Kylo was lying.  Rian Johnson did, after all, include the mysterious but unresolved scene with Rey and the mirror thing on Ahch-To.  So for me, it was a positive that Rey’s parents were nobodies.

Finally for Rey, there is her connection with Kylo Ren, which brings me to another aside.  Many people are up in arms that Rian Johnson would use the force in a way that they have never seen before but for me this is just ridiculous.  It’s a sci-fi fantasy film.  If you can extend your disbelief in the originals then why not now?  The Jedi’s are supposed to have kept peace for thousands of years and we have only followed a handful for a few years but somehow we have seen the force used to its fullest extent.  Come on now.  You wouldn’t have worried about this as a child, so why now?  It’s totally not important and totally possible.

Anyway, back to Rey and Kylo.  For me, their connection is the most interesting arc of the new trilogy and using the force as a way to further develop this relationship was an important reason as to why I enjoyed the film.  Without that, they would not get the chance to interact as frequently as they do, thus removing important character development.  Many people, have said that it is not realistic that they would feel some kind of connection after knowing each other for such a short space of time but I see it completely differently.  Maybe it’s linked to personal experiences when it comes to relationships but, to me, it is perfectly plausible that two people with so much in common and who both share the same insecurities would feel an immediate connection.  They are in the same position as each other just on different sides of the force.  It’s natural to feel drawn to someone who is going through a similar experience to yourself, so that you don’t feel alone and for support.  For me, their relationship is an intriguing way to consider the force and how idea of light and dark sides exist.

This leads us nicely onto Kylo Ren.  Many people disliked the fact that in TFA he was basically a power brat.  For me, I was immediately drawn to this idea that we are seeing the proper development of the main bad guy.  His journey in this trilogy is much more what I was hoping to see for Anakin’s journey in the prequel trilogy.  Unfortunately, in the prequels, we a got a few brattish comments and then he basically became a full on bad guy after a short conversation with Palpatine/Sidious.  Kylo Ren’s character development is far more considered than Anakin’s.  He is a powerful brat but, especially because Adam Driver is as good an actor as Hayden Christensen is bad, you can understand why. You can also see that has not completely turned to the dark side, that it isn’t a switch.  This is developed even further in TLJ and, as I said before, I have enjoyed his development and how his character has mirrored Rey.  Kylo Ren has become my second favourite character in the Star Wars universe after his father.  I enjoyed how he first appears to be a Darth Vader clone, evening looking up to his Grandfather, but then falls way short.  I enjoyed the line TLJ when Snoke reminds him of this and tells him to remove his helmet.  I suppose some people don’t want to see their bad guy go through some dark coming of age story but I think it makes it much more interesting.

It is the same reason why I thoroughly enjoyed that Rian Johnson just killed off Snoke.  No back story, no big bad, just everything opposite to what people might have been expecting.  For me he was Sidious 2.0.  A powerful bad guy who we thought was going to be defeated at the end of the third film. To me he was unoriginal and another reason why TFA was described as a love letter to the original trilogy.  He felt very “Star Wars” but that was it.  People felt short changed after Snoke’s back story was ignored and became insignificant but thought it was exactly the right decision.  He played his part and moved aside for Kylo Ren to become the main bad guy for the second half of the trilogy.  On the subject of his back story, I just don’t get this obsession with needing to know everything about every character’s back story.  We never got that in the original trilogy.  We didn’t get told a single thing about Darth Sidious.  He was just the powerful bad guy that ruled the Empire.  We didn’t need to know more and we didn’t care.  That we got to learn more via the prequel films was great but it wasn’t a vital part of the story that was missing from the original films. This is the same with a whole host of other characters from Jabba, Boba Fett, Lando and even Han and Chewie.  Why do people now suggest that the new films lack characterisation or some shit because we don’t know the back story of every character?  It’s just not necessary.

Poe was another character whose story arc has been criticised.  When I first watch TLJ, I also thought that having Leia and Holdo hold back their plan from him seemed like a stupid decision but this felt more and more reasonable with each watch.  In order to avoid him being just another boring hero pilot character that destroys lots of enemy ships and always survives, Rian Johnson clearly wanted him to have some kind of journey to help develop his character.  It makes total sense to me that a hero pilot would have an ego that is too big and gets in the way of strong leadership decisions, so Rian Johnson develops this through the film, from Poe unnecessarily sacrificing lives and ships to destroy the dreadnought at the start, to his demotion and subsequent exclusion from leadership decision and then redemption at the end by choosing to pull the Resistance fighters back when they’re being picked off easily on Crait.  I can’t help but think that having two women leaders decide not to let the male hero pilot in on the plan goes against male sensibilities in this situation.  He’s the hero, the man and, in all previous eras, would be the one who knows what the right thing to do is.  The truth is, that if it were two male leaders and a female hero pilot who was denied knowledge of the plan, we probably wouldn’t bat an eye-lid.  Is it feminist politics unnecessarily introduced to Star Wars?  I don’t think so.  It’s not forced down our throats, just used to help develop what could easily become a boring character.

The final character I’ll focus on before Luke is Finn.  As mentioned before, I enjoyed his scenes on Snoke’s ship with Rose and Captain Phasma but really didn’t like how they got him there.  It’s a shame that it made his character seem marginalised.  The only part I did enjoy was how DJ made him question his defection from the First Order and whether there is a good or a bad side in war.  This is quite deep stuff for a Star Wars film and quite political but I liked that they asked these questions and it seemed fitting that Finn’s character be the one to contemplate these ideas.  Again, it’s a shame they couldn’t have found a better way to do it, that made him more integral to the story.

Finally, we come to Luke. More than anything else, it’s people’s comments about Luke that get me shouting at my screen.  Maybe it is because I was never drawn to Luke as my favourite character as a child but, for some reason, I just don’t see things the same way as all the haters.  For me, Luke’s story through TLJ needed to follow on from what we were told in TFA, in a manner that is both realistic to how you might think someone would react having been through that experience and also realistic to how Luke, the character, would react.

So, what were we told in TFA?  We learnt that Luke is in hiding and has cut himself off completely from his family and friends as a result of the part he played in the failure of his Jedi Academy and turning his nephew into Kylo Ren.

This leads me to the first of the things that annoy me about some of the arguments laid at the door of TLJ and Rian Johnson.  People claim that Luke would never abandon his friends and cowardly hide away and cut himself off from everything.  This idea is played out in TLJ but this story was clearly set in motion in TFA.  If people can’t believe Luke would act in this way then be angry at JJ Abrams because it was his idea.  Rian Johnson continued Luke’s story from this situation because it’s the only place he could have started from.

Next is to decide whether Luke’s reaction to what has happened is a realistic way for someone to respond.  This is obviously subjective but his failings have led to the creation of a potential new Sith Lord, the death of many young fledgling Jedis, the estrangement of his nephew from his family and the break up of his sister’s marriage to his best friend.  This is quite a heavy burden bare, considering this is on top of how someone would naturally feel after failing so badly.  Imagine someone is revered as a hero around the galaxy, a new Jedi Knight to help bring peace.  Your self-esteem would be sky high.  You would be pretty happy with how your life is panning out. It is clearly absolutely plausible that someone could react to what happened the way Luke does in TLJ.  If people were happy to believe Luke’s set up in TFA, then they have to accept that someone could react the way Luke does. I believe that this is a far more likely way that someone would react than to remain positive and not question your beliefs and the part they played in what happened.

Therefore the question is whether Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and hero of the galaxy, would react this way.  Clearly many fans and Mark Hamill say he wouldn’t.  I just don’t see how they can come to this conclusion based on his actions in the original trilogy.  The main argument I hear is that he was a great Jedi who saw the good in Darth Vader and defeated Sidious.  This just doesn’t stack up I’m afraid.  How do we know Luke is a great Jedi?  He was only taught by Yoda for a little while and clearly never finished his training. In fact, choosing to be so loyal to his friends was against his Jedi training.  Additionally, he beat Darth Vader, not by being a great Jedi but by turning to the dark side and using anger to fuel his fight with him.  Vader threatened Leia and he threw anything Jedi out the window and got plain mad.  This made him a hero but certainly not some grand Jedi.  Then we come to Sidious.  Luke didn’t defeat Sidious at all.  Seeing the good in Vader pulled him back from killing his father but he was about to be killed by Sidious.  It was Vader/Anakin who killed Sidious.  So, Luke was a hero, a bastian of hope but he was not some infallible human or a Jedi dedicated to their code.  If anything, he was the first grey Jedi.  For me, the fact that he felt so strongly for his family and friends is a reason why he would have reacted the way he did when he caused it all to go to shit.

People have also suggested that Luke would never think, even for a second, about killing his nephew. Again, I just don’t have this picture of Luke as all things light and good.  He is not so squeaky clean that when faced with the prospect of a new Sidious or Vader and acknowledging that he is not able to control him, that, for a second, he wouldn’t think that right thing to do is kill him.  Everyone has thoughts they shouldn’t have for just a split second.  Again, why is Luke any different?

It seems to me that people who loved Luke in the originals can’t face the idea that he is somehow a flawed human being and a flawed Jedi.  This character that they idolised as a child is actually a human and not some unrealistic hero type.  For me, it gave Luke something interesting to contribute to this trilogy.  Did people who hated it just want Johnson to forget what was set up for him in TFA, something he is criticised for in other areas, and suddenly have Luke forget all about why he was where he was?  Was he supposed to return to the Luke from the original trilogy just because some girl he doesn’t know turns up with his old lightsabre?  That would have been bad film making in my eyes, not good.

Another criticism is that he died a coward.  I just don’t see it that way.  Was it cowardly to hide away? Possibly but, as mentioned, this wasn’t Rian Johnson’s fault and also not an unrealistic way for him to react to what happened. Having been put in this position, you then want Luke to redeem himself and I thought he did that.  As the film progressed, he slowly became his old self. First he saw Chewie, then the falcon and news of Han’s death, he then agreed to help Rey a bit, then he saw R2-D2 who played him Leia’s recording for Obi-Wan and finally Yoda’s force ghost helped him come around.  There was a progression to his arc and, in the end, his actions were both brave and saved the day.  He would have known that using the force to project his image for all that time would lead to his death but that it was necessary to save the rebellion.  His death gave hope, renewed the idea of Luke the idolised hero, and then echoed the death of both Obi-Wan and Yoda, so was more than fitting, especially with the twin suns setting.  I thought it was a great way for him to “die” and not at all cowardly.  He will almost certainly be back as force ghost in IX as well.

As before, anyone moaning that force projection has never been done by a Jedi in any other material, needs to open up their imagination a little.  Also, if Luke is supposed to be such an amazing Jedi then surely he could find ways to use the force that others before him hadn’t.

My final point about Luke, and of this ridiculously long essay about a film, relates to how people have criticised the idea that Luke could ever feel that the Jedi order needed to end, the idea that an order that kept peace for thousands of years could ever need to move on or evolve.  I can’t believe people even say this without thinking about our own history. Religion, the British Empire, slavery, etc have all been institutions used over 100s of years to keep peace and maintain the powerful but there always comes a time when life and people learn and move forward.  They find better ways to live.  The Jedi might have kept peace for 1000s of years but in the recent past, and Luke’s understanding, they have not kept the peace, they have only been one side of a conflict.  Luke would be absolutely right to reflect on his Jedi beliefs and could easily be correct in his new found stance that the Jedi need to end.  He comes round again at the end of the film, when he corrects Kylo that he is not the last Jedi, but in my eyes his questioning of the Jedi order is not only right but interesting and made for a great film.

[captainsugarcakes]

You will never know

Series: The Perfect Match

A confession letter from Damien to Kai

This is just something short that I wrote. It came to me when Hayden had collapsed, before the next chapter was released, and before we knew what we now know. Now it kind of feels silly for me to have posted it now. But, I just feel like I want to post it.

Dear Kai

How do I tell you the truth without hurting myself. What if you do not feel the same way? Am I dooming this before I even tried? Ugh, I have no idea what is wrong with me, I never am at a loss for words. There are so many things that I want to tell you, so many things that I want to share with you.

But, you will never know. Never know how much it kills me to watch you with him. Every time you hold his hand, I feel it burn on me. When you look at him like that, with so much passion, I feel a piece of my soul die. When you tell me about your sunset dates and moonlit kisses, my heartbeat fades a little bit more. A little more with each touch, each look, each moment - I die a little more inside.

How can you not see what you mean to me? How can you not see how deeply I love you? Dammit, Kai, I’ve fallen in love with you. And you will never know. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have loved before, but nothing like this. Can I then even say that that was love? She knew how I felt about her, I could tell her. There was nothing standing in our way, nothing hindering our feelings. We were just partners and it was easy. But, that flame died as quickly as it was ignited. So, why can I not kill this fire that I have for you?

I wanted to tell you, I want you to know. That is why I tried stopping you from doing the interview at Eros, stop you from going to see them, but you were too determined. Ha, when you’re determined you always get your way. That’s what I’ve always loved about you, you’re braver than you give yourself credit for and so much more intelligent. Your beauty knows no limits.

The only reason I took the interview was to see what it was about. All I could think of during the damn thing was, you. You are my perfect match. 

But, this is where it will end. I cannot tell you, you can never know. I would rather die a little more everyday, watching you love someone else, than to know that I may have caused your heart to ache. I want you to be happy, even if it is not me that makes you happy. Even if I am not the one that you burn with passion for. Being your friend, and always having you in my life is enough for me.

Dammit, who am I kidding? I woke up wanting to kiss you. I always want to feel you by my side, you never will be though. Not completely at least.

But, you will always be my one. My perfect match.

The one that got away. The one that I let slip through my fingers.

All my love, desire and heart.

Damien

Just as he finished writing the letter, he tossed it into the flames and watched it burn.

[elliemarchetti]

THIAM FIC PART 2

I finally figured out how to work from my pc! Since some of you liked my previously Thiam fic and since I already wanted to write a part 2, here we are, with some more Thiam angst and some Scolia cuteness. 

Words:2237

The tree house was a cube of six and a half feet on each side, so low that Liam could not stand up straight. He liked that place: it had an opening in which to slip and a window on the opposite wall. As a child he had placed an old stool, on which he put the cores of candle that he stole from his mother; he needed them to sneak out at night and enjoy the solitude. Even as a child, even before the Devenford Prep disaster and his transformation, Liam was a particular child. He never needed the tree house again, after his transformation and the first, terrible nights, but now it was different: his room’s walls seemed to suffocate him and he needed some fresh air, even if, in California, there was no fresh air, in February, just warm breaths of wind. Why does he needed to choose what to do with his life in February? And why he can’t be with his friends after all the time he spent with them? He needed to run away. He jumped down from the tree and stepped over the fence that divided the courtyard from the road. He had painted it a long time ago with his father, and already at the time, the gate creaked loudly.

Beacon Hills wasn’t a pretty place, but it was perfect for someone who doesn’t want to be noticed when he ran away from home at night for a supernatural run. No one went home late during the week, and anyone approaching the forest knew about the existence of werewolves and other such creatures, so that night, everything went smoothly. Liam saw no living soul on his way and went into the woods with his yellow eyes and fangs pressing on his fleshy bottom lip. If his mother saw him like that, she would have died of a heart attack, he knew. Liam had sometimes saw himself, in the reflection of shop windows or in some, sporadic mirror: it was not a good sight. After a long time, however, he had come to terms with his being and the need to hide began to get on his nerves: almost all of Beacon Hills knew of supernatural creatures. Except for his parents, of course, or they wouldn’t allow him to leave the house ever again, werewolf or not.

Liam felt himself observed, and turned, just to make sure no one was following him. Monroe's followers were no longer around, but there could be other fanatics ready to shoot him. He sniffed the air, for safety, motionless, with his back against a tree. There were no smells other than those of the forest, and no suspicious noises. Probably, by pretending to be a normal boy, he had begun to behave like one, scared by the night and by the woods sounds. After some time he cannot help himself and he turned back again. There was clearly something following him, but it could have been a wild animal, and as long as he did not have the rabies, he would not have to worry. He mentally reproached himself for his foolish behavior, but ran closer to the road, frightened by the possibility that whatever might follow him could take him into the woods, alone and impossible to save. If he had howled, so close to the road, some of his friends would have heard it before Lydia announced his death with one of her screams.

Liam abruptly stopped his run when he saw a big, surely not normal, black wolf, looking at him straight in the eyes. At first, he didn’t recognized Theo, but when he came closer, it was obvious it was he: he even had the same eye color. He reached out a hand slowly, hoping that the friend would let the space between his straight and pointed ears touched.

"Can I know what you are doing around in the middle of the night? Should not you sleep?" Liam asked, even though he knew that he would not be able to answer him. Finally, his fingertips reached the soft, thin coat of the wolf, who allowed him to caress his head for a few moments, before biting the boy's pale wrist playfully. "Cantankerous as usual, I see." Liam commented, throwing his arm down his side. It was a strange feeling, he could feel his humanity still intact, despite the yellow eyes, yet he felt perfectly at ease, crouched there, together with a wolf who could not answer, as if he were made for that life, as if the woods called him.

Theo, however, for a few moments would have liked to be able to leave aside his own humanity, let Liam caress his back and neck without having to regret it the next day. He would have liked that Liam could transform himself, that he would finally become an Alpha, that finally he was able to fully understand his own strength. In short, he would have liked many things to happen, but none would have been realized, so he stood up on all four legs, a clear sign that even Liam would have to get back on his feet.

"Do you want to follow me in my night run?" Liam asked, going over the wolf. He was certain that Theo would not attack him. Liam had been the first to allow himself to turn his back on what had once been their enemy: it had seemed a great sign of trust, and Theo seemed to have caught it.

With a small smile, Liam started to run again, deeper in the wood, this time, because with Theo he felt like he was invincible. They were a great team, like Sherlock and Watson, but Liam can’t figure out who should have been Sherlock and who should have called himself Watson.

Liam stopped, exhausted, and sat on the dry topsoil, his back against a tree. Theo felt sorry for Liam: he wasn’t tired, not even a bit. It was as if his friend was stopping himself to fit in someone else’s canons, and the letter he received from Pomona didn’t seemed to help him. In any case, that Theo was sorry or not, he should have left. Getting away from Beacon Hills would do him good, allowing him to grow up and make a normal life. Then, maybe, he would even find his ex-girlfriend, that idiot, at school. If he did not remember badly, before becoming a wolf, he was good at some sport, so a scholarship was almost assured now. Or it was Scott’s ex, the lacrosse player? It didn’t mattered, anyway. He hated both. And he even had to kiss Hayden to make one of his plans worked! Looking back at it, it was unbelievable to him how high school girls could be silly. Because of a kiss, both Hayden and Tracy believed him and they lowered their guard. If Theo had learned something from the terrible person he had been, it was always keeping his watch high and thinking the worst about people. Only with Liam he could not do it. He had tried several times, but the boy had always shown him to deserve his trust and respect. He was starting to be nicer even with Lydia, but perhaps he was only attracted by her immense power and the current aura of despair and self-pity that surrounded her. She was also a promising mind who had decided to stay in Beacon Hills against the wishes of her parents, a mind so promising to be willing to lie to the majority of people she loved just to stay in that hell she called home. Someday, that place would have killed her. And it would have happened to Liam too, if he had not hurried to decide to accept the place in Pomona. Everyone in that city seemed to be ready to give up something for the one they loved, like Mason who wanted to go to a worst college than the ones that offered a place for him to stay with his boyfriend.

As he tried to catch his breath, Liam watched Theo in his wolf form, as if he wanted to impress that moment in his mind. If he really had to leave for college, he wanted to remember every single reason why he should not have done it.

It was not usual to see Theo in his animal form; he always said he felt more vulnerable, like that. Liam believed, instead, that he preferred his human form only because in that way he could respond with sarcastic remarks to anyone who surrounded him.

It was more than a week that he did not see him and he really began to miss him a lot. He believed that, after that afternoon spent together in the suburbs, the need to see him and stand next to him would have faded for a while, but it seemed only to be increased, leaving a sense of terrible nostalgia for the moments they had spent together in the last year.

Theo also studied Liam. He was by far the nicest guy in town, not just in Beacon Hills High School. His brown hair, blue eyes, that spontaneous smile that lit up his still so childish face. He was changing, Theo had to admit it. The jaw began to be more squared and the cheeks more dug, a sign that the juvenile chubbiness would soon abandon the boy. He had also become more muscular, in the last period, as if he were training more consistently, pushing himself to the limit. In the dim light, Theo noticed that he also had deep dark circles. He must have slept too little recently. The black t-shirt and sweatpants he had decided to wear were worn, with holes in several places, like it was his in-the-woods running suit.

Theo would have sat all night watching him, but a noise he could not immediately define made him raise his ears. Liam must have heard it too. Even in the form of a wolf, Theo raised his eyes to the sky: he had imposed to himself only one task, and that was to keep safe that walking mess next to him, and the danger reached them there, in the woods. He had suffered for weeks, he had decided to stay away even when the only thing he wanted was to waste his time with him, to keep him away from any risk, and now how those hunters dared to approach them so, in the only moment of peace that Theo has allowed himself to have? He ran to the danger with a growl, hoping Liam had the good sense to follow him. The ideal would be for someone to escort him home, but there was no one else with them, and Theo preferred to have his friend in his field of view, rather than put him at risk. Moreover, in the various battles they had fought together, they had always been a great couple, certainly the best. Scott and Malia did not have the same chemistry, they could not think like a single person. Liam also thought it that way, or at least, with his terms. Their friendship reminded him of that of the Greek warriors in ancient poems, linked to their companions by a bond that some called almost supernatural. Much of their skill as warriors was due to the support of their companion, and if alone they were only good fighters, they were invincible together. And it was not good, because soon or later Liam would have to leave Theo's side and live a life of his own, even if he was nauseated at the thought.

They reached the source of the noise, and Liam almost fainted at the sight of that wolf so mammoth. He had never seen anything like it, not even Derek had evolved that way. In front of them a black beast, so similar to the beast of Gévaudan, who had taken possession of his best friend, was chasing a coyote. After the initial moment of shock, Liam noticed that what was clearly supposed to be another werewolf was much smaller, compared to Sebastien Valet, and that somehow, underneath that dark skin and furry hair, its features were still partly visible. It looked like a half-completed transformation, and not the half that they all shared when their mind was still human, but they needed a different force but  a half that tasted like failure. The first thing Theo noticed, however, was that the coyote that that werewolf was chasing was Malia. He had known her in her wolf form first and could hardly forget it. A wave of joy crossed his body: if that wolf wanted to do the dirty work for him and get rid of her, better for him. But that werewolf did not seem at all intent to hurt her, their chasing and letting go seemed more like a game than something dangerous. Liam was the first to recognize that family face so tormented.

"Scott?" Liam asked, amazed. The werewolf turned, and the monstrous expression on what was impossible to decide whether to call face or muzzle disappeared. Theo, in a moment of lucidity, was sad for him. His work was about to be judged by the one who had once treated like a son and, suddenly, had decided to betray