#but never deleted. theyre gone too

[starswallowingsea]

i cant see any of the asks that were answered privately anymore on my phone or my laptop?? like asks that i sent and were answered privately to me.

[cannibalistic-suggestions]

Blog Update • December 24, 2023

[ ↓ ]

[awsugar]

speaking of questions that exercise very mcr specific muscles in your brain. i was perusing mychem tumblr the other day and came across a masterpost about the SS/mayo blog frerard lore (i’m aware frerard is not PC these days thanks obama). i’ve been a dedicated fan for over a decade now and my brain is an mcr lore bank but i had literally never heard of this. do you know about it and if you do what are your thoughts

omg yea. ss/mayo is crazy. and unfortunately a lot of it has been lost to time and its not even saved on wayback. theres some stuff thats convincing, theres some stuff thats not.

so like lets preface this by saying that the ft willz myspace? confirmed to be frank. and obviously the stuff posted on skeleton crew, those screenshots of ft willz works that look like theyre on burnt paper? yea so those are confirmed and those are real fully frank no questions.

i personally am a skeptic of other accounts that claim to be ft willz. like the tumblr? i do not think thats frank. and i think that came at a time when people had already really speculated or figured out that ft willz WAS frank. so like i think the tumblr is honestly just someone who was pretending to be frank and managed to sort of emulate his style but yea i don't think it's him. i think the reason some of the stuff hits so hard in a frerard sense is because that was intentional by the person writing it. you know.

anyway ss and mayo. there were two blogs on blogspot started in 2007 i believe that fans thought were frank and gerard. well it started with mayo (its-mayonaise.blogspot.com). that blog is still up and so are a lot of the posts but i think a lot of them have been deleted as well, and not saved anywhere on wayback. im sure theyre on someones hard drive out there but i haven't seen them. then a blog appeared called iamthemodernprometheus.blogspot.com. some of those posts are still up but most are gone. that was ss/sss/shitsubou shita/frank (allegedly). ss started interacting in the comments on mayo's blog. and i think i may have read some mayo blog posts back in the day but i haven't been able to find them to answer this one. i just remember when i joined the fandom most people thought it was gerard.

now here's a couple things of evidence. THIS is a blogspot comment thread where people who have saved some of ss' blog posts put them in the comments. and yes obviously it could be an elaborate hoax by two fans who were invested in frerard. but like these things were being posted as it HAPPENED. you know? idk i wasnt there in 2007. but 2007 was when the fanfic took off and we really informed a lot of our perception of what happened with frerard on things like ft willz/stuff that happened on stage/and a lot of these posts really fit into the timeline. i would recommend reading that because its kind of hard to believe its like. a teenager pretending to be frank. it really just SOUNDS like frank. and he's really writing blog posts. basically to gerard lol. it gives the impression that they were on tour together (projekt rev) and doing the Thing but like there was def tension going on behind the scenes and we already know that thats true. frank didn't like eliza and thought gerard was moving too fast, the imnotokay.net post came from someone in mcr's camp that ppl thought was frank (or maybe brian) and then tbh its happening again?? just months later? it makes complete sense that if frank thought gerard was moving too fast with eliza that he DEFINITELY thought he was moving too fast with lynz getting MARRIED to her backstage just a couple months? after breaking off his engagement with eliza. anyway just read the comments. its very easy to believe its frank.

and then the other peice of evidece i found in this reddit thread: x comment in particular by u/ReallyKapu. they say that they have always gone by Kapunua online and that they met frank at a lm show, gave him a hat with the inscription 'sss' inside and later on he thanked them for it on the blog.

sure enough:

from what i've read it seems like the blog was actually a community. there were people who followed it and made friends in the comment section. and it does seem implausible but it looks to me like frank saved all of his gifts from tour and then made this post specifically thanking people for them. the person who claims this is them also says that they don't think mayo is actually gerard but that frank thought it was.

and i've seen stuff saying that if it wasn't gerard it was probably someone close to the band because they had like information that was posted on the blog that wouldn't come readily available (or make sense) until the show the next day.

anyway, i wasn't there for this. i was on the forums and twitter and tumblr for a LOT of mcr history but this was a little before my time and i think if i had been there OR if the blogs had actually been preserved in some way that i might be able to form a better opinion. i think theres a lot of evidence for frank, not sure about gerard. but i won't claim that it's true either bc we really don't know and this one i don't think we ever will!

[hg-aneh]

You don’t have to answer this but I hope you read it. I just now saw that you wanted to settle things privately and I feel like a dick because

Well. I hope you’re doing alright and that you have lots of warm blankets and all your favorite drinks of choice nearby. ♥️ I was upset on your part. Lots of good vibes to you.

Hey, don't feel bad about it, I know your intentions were definitely not bad with this, and I'm very appreciative of the gesture regardless of how I wanted to handle things personally

What has been bothering me however is the way people are reacting about this being brought up to Neil

I know it can be mortifying to the fandom at large, but sometimes, some people on the internet won't stop or listen to reason unless some higher authority tells them to do so (which, in this case, it would be Neil), and the people who come to those higher authorities are only trying to make things right, it's all!

Also, he's got over a thousand asks on his inbox and he decided to pick this question to answer by his own volition

No one was pressuring him to do so and he's not going to leave the platform or close his askbox because someone gets a bit too personal with him, he's said before that he just deletes asks that make him uncomfortable, which wasn't the case here so that should tell people enough about it in my opinion (you are completely allowed to disagree)

I've also seen people considering this whole thing just "drama"-?

Listen, I know those people are not me and that theyre not in the position I'm currently at, and by God I hope they never EVER will be

But look. I haven't told anyone (besides 2 friends who watched everything unfold very closely and have helped me with receipt-safekeeping) all the details about this situation, nor have I gone out of my way to talk about it fully with anyone or allow myself to process this whole thing completely, but I assure you, it is not just drama

The way the buildup of all of this messed with me almost made me k-ll myself about a month ago

I can see why people would think it's just something silly since they don't have all the details (and I'm not planning on revealing them unless something big comes up), but please, to those people, think of that for a second, think of everything I haven't talked about. Just. Keep that in mind before you call this drama

I'd really appreciate that

[bringcal]

This was inspired due to wolfertinger666's post I've just reblogged, and will be a long one, but bare with me here.

I been on the internet like way too long and too young for my age, and I never understood spreading callouts. I don't think I ever have in my life. Before I even understood them as a tool used to socially kill trans people and push an agenda of anti-queerness, I always just thought the contents tended to be stupid, and vast majority of callouts often like to use different manipulation and deception tactics that the average person can easily be manipulated by. I think most abuse survivors can agree with me here that they have at least seen one callout in their lives where they have read and easily recognized what the person spreading the callout was doing was emotional manipulation.

I have always been that person who reaches out to the person subject of the callout to help them, and I've always been disgusted in the anti-critical thinking and pro-harassment sentiments surrounding callouts, because those are the exact same things that I've been subject to after being in an abusive relationship online.

When I talk to people victims of callouts, they often have the same fears as I do due to me being in an abusive relationship: Paranoia people are stalking you, not feeling safe to share anything, having to change identities to get away from the harassment, etc. And thats because people who make callouts and create harassment mobs use the same abuse tactics. I had to delete all my accounts, change names, interests, and stay off the internet for months to try and get away from my abuser, because he would stalk me and get others to do the same, and convinced everyone that I was the one being shitty. I stayed paranoid, and sometimes still do, that I will be "found" and messaged again even though its been 6 years since we broke up.

When you have experience yourself in this sort of thing, you realize people who change their identities to get away from callouts aren't trying to "get away" due to nefarious reasons. they just want to live and grow, they want an actual support system and to be better, and never consented to their faults being publicized, and a lot of the time their faults being put on them have never even happened, or are blown out of proportion. It started to click when you realize callouts often try their best to dehumanize the person at hand, and really try to hammer in the " born inherently evil" or "too far gone" point to get people to socially outcast their victims. It often works even with people who would normally be against that sort of thing, I notice a lot of people end up deleting the callout they helped spread later saying they don't actually care or realize how ridiculous the op is being, without realizing the op still got what they wanted. Callouts only spread if theyre able to get you to that " reactionary " level of emotion to manipulate you to just doing anything.

People don't realize that the thing theyre doing actually has lasting effects on the other person. The thing you reblog that you care about for 2 days and then forget will follow the other person forever, because TERFs and Kiwifarms motherfuckers are a different breed of passionate for harassment. My IRL bestfriend I've known for a decade has a girlfriend who made a joke 6 years ago that went viral that everyone took seriously and she still, to this day, gets messages harassing her. The joke wasnt even offensive or directed at anyone, people literally just hated her because she was a communist.

So anyways, I don't like callout posts and neither should you. Make no exception. Literally just keep it to yourself and gossip with friends. Reactionary harassment campaigns do nothing. You're one "fuck up" or one "walking into the wrong person" to getting one yourself. Don't allow callout makers to turn your brain off.

[diavolosbaby]

Hi! So, I saw your Teen!MC being comforted by Simeon post, and I really loved that. I've gone through abuse Luke that from my family my entire life, and quite frankly that post made me cry bc it was very well written🥹So, I was wondering if you could write something similar for more characters? If this makes you uncomfortable feel free to delete this btw😅

Sure :)

I'll do Luke, Barbatos, Satan, and Leviathan :)

Abuse Comfort

Characters: Luke, Barbatos, Satan, Leviathan

Genre: Angst,comfort

Format: headcanons, mini fic

Pronouns if used: they/them

--------------------------------

Luke

- When you tell him, he doesn't believe it. He would have never guessed someone as bright as you went through something so dark.

- actually starts to tear up, he's sad that you went through something so sad

- hugs your waist and nuzzles his head in your stomach, whining about how he's sorry

- actually says some things about your family, not so nice things but still very appropriate (he's still luke)

- he's mad and sad at your family, but the way you're comforting him and not the other way around makes him even more mad and sad at himself

"Waaaaaaaah! How could humans be so mean! Mean to someone like you too! Its not fair you didn't deserve that...sniff.... Theyre more demon-like than anything I've seen in the Devildom... Must be if they treat you so bad...im sorry MC...sniff"

Barbatos

- listens very closely, making eye contact with you or looking directly at you if you avoid his gaze

- very minimal touches while you explain, its meant to be a soft gesture of comfort. He hopes you get that

- when you're done he slides his gloved hand over your head smoothing down your hair

- he plants a kiss to your forehead and then leans his own against it, taking a breath before speaking with closed lids

- You can't tell whether he's angry or sad for you, he tries to hide it very well but you still saw his slightly furrowed brows and slight frown

"My dear MC, how anyone could treat you like that is beyond me. Please leave those memories behind you. Here in the Devildom, here with me... It will be better. I will be better. You will never receive such treatment again. Please believe me."

Satan

- he had his hand over yours before you even started, sensing the tension

- he squeezed your hand a bit, not enough to hurt you but enough for you to notice

- he was mad, angry, furious, that ANYONE could treat you like that, could be so heartless

- but he knew tight now you didn't need someone to protect you. What was done was done. Right now you needed comfort, and you trusted him with that -he gently wrapped his hands around your head and led you towards his chest, you didn't put up a fight

- played with your hair while he whispered sweet nothings to you, except these sweet nothings were sweet somethings, because they did mean something to the both of you

"That... Is terrible. So terrible. I don't... Understand how humans could do that to their own children. And we're the demons...i apologize MC. I'm... Sorry. You didn't deserve that, you were only a child... Their child and they treat you so horrid... It's despicable, truly.."

Leviathan

- paused his game when he saw you were serious

- gave you his full attention, his mouth slightly agape and eyes widened as his brows furrowed in worry as he listened

- took him a moment to take it all in but when he did all he felt at that moment was sorry for you.

- asks if he can hug you and when you say yes he hugs really tight, its awkward but you can feel his worry and determination to make you feel better

- not the best at comforting but will you for your sake

"What... Are you... For real...? Uh... C-can I hug you... MC...? Ok, alright. Uh.. Sorry. I just don't get it. Humans are so supposed to be, well, humane. Thats like the total opposite... Totally unfair to you MC I'm sorry...um..well, I hope my brothers and I can be a better family to you MC...i mean it, alright?"

Again sorry this took so long and hope you liked it :)

[ask-lighty-ii]

AUGHHH NOOO!!!!

not againnnnn.

you guyz doing ok with the whole "theyre deleted again" thing

If not I'd gladly become a cat and curl around ya, in comfort of courze 🫂🐈

-💡⚛️

NOT DOING OK.

At least in the stupid “finale,” I didn’t have to be without my friends, and without Lightbulb, for longer than an hour or so. Now it’s… however long it takes for more of these stupid “asks” to roll in.

Every digital clock I see seems to move so slow. You guys think Lightbulb posts every couple hours, but it’s more like twice a day. You’d think she would talk online at least half as much as she does in real life.

…I miss it.

This sucks.

…Anyway, I’ve never seen Hotel HOOT this empty. Or anywhere but the mansion, really. Not even the ghosts are here, and I haven’t looked for Marshmallow and Apple yet, though it’s been around a day since everyone disappeared.

I’ve just been eating cookie pizza the whole time; there’s nothing to DO. I mean, I guess I could paint or something…? I dunno. My motivation’s completely gone.

And she won’t be back for another two asks!

Oh. Apple’s… here, too, I guess. Thanks for the reminder./S

…

It wasn’t fun to wake up to Lightbulb not beside me. I mean, at least that ask provided context, but it also just made me go from panicking to wanting to set someone on fire through a screen.

But thanks for the digital cat hugs. Any Lightbulb is better than nothing, even if I just miss my Lightbulb.

…And I DO miss my Lightbulb. Because this SUCKS!

[ 1/3 ]

[carmenpeach]

i love just opening my amv and watching it it makes me so happy i cant wait to make more <3 for years ive made amvs in my head and can just visualize them but never had the means/ motivation/ mental or physical functioning to really do them, and i was making this like pressure on myself making my amv cause it was finally happening but i desperately needed it to be good and so i would get stuck in my head with it a lot. and ive got something or other wrong with my body all da time especially lately so im like fighting for my life for the 20min a day of functionality i have lol but its really such a weight off my shoulders now <3

i have a good chunk of shadow amvs rolling around in my head and an elfen lied one (its funny cause a few years ago i looked it up and got really distressed when i couldnt find it thinking it got deleted but no i just see it so clear in my head i forgot it wasnt real lol) me and soren are gonna work on a vegeta amv together next though ^-^ ive been all beat up over the fact i havent been able to make art as much because of my (insert mysterious unknown disease here) but ive started making simple doodles again too and theyre kinda hard to do but its a start ^-^ its really funny being into dragon ball cause ive never learned how to draw masc guys and so now its like great. thats what i like right now. but i think itll probably be quite a while until i get the last chapter of my sonic comic out but im hoping im on an upward slope on life... i can mostly function for like 3 days at a time and then im just unable to really move at all for a few days but im learning how my body is working and i will work with it best i can ^-^ ive also started reading again and i have a ton of books stacked up ive been wanting to read for years so who knows maybe on my down days i can get that gone through too lol

[regryrth]

#drdtdevappreciation

Im so proud of how you all as a fandom handled this so well 💙 I know things are still pretty shaky in places and no one can rlly say this problem is “solved” or “forgiven” unless DRDT Dev specifically says so (which I dont mean to say they should or have to comment on anything, I know they mentioned theyre nervous and now uncomfortable interacting which I understand and accept responsibility for) But it really makes me happy to see how for the most part We’re turning something bad into appreciation. So for the fandom here. I appreciate all of you.

Even the ones who mightve gone too far. Just like me u had good or at least non malicious intent. Which turned out bad but there are still ppl who respectfully understand where youre coming from. Maybe its not wanted- But I appreciate and care for you too. I dont know how youre handling this all, But if its anything like how I did, I hope you understand nothing is ur fault just like how people have said it’s not entirely mine and not DRDT Devs. Even if it wasnt the best thing u couldve said in the moment. I understand u didnt want to harass anyone. It was a mistake made cause it’s human to act emotionaly have opinions and want to be understood with that. That can make ppl say and post things online that get deserved back-lash like I did. And the things u say can seriously hurt people like I did. I cant say how anyone else feels with everything thats happened But if Im right about everything so far. Its okay. To me at least which I guess isnt much. Even If u dont feel real remorse- You feel u were justified- But just dont want to be lectured in paregraphs over and over. Thats ok to me too. No one has to be completely justified in how they feel and it would be hyppocritical of me to say u do. And you shouldnt have to be looked at as any worse then the rest of us for stating your mind. Ur a great DRDT fan and person too and no one should claim any different for anyone. So while no one can throw around the word “forgive” for an incident that isnt ours to forgive- I “understand” u.

On a lighter note- The people who defended DRDT Dev without harassing anyone. U all acted so maturely in response to everything I honestly envy u a little. Does maturity and not making mistakes like these come one by one for you? When I make mistakes like this I feel like something with no real sense of right or wrong- Then I mess up and ppl come out to tell me where I went wrong and the “right” thing to do- And I piece together all the life lessons and “right” responses little by little until I feel safe with myself. Like a kintsugi piece. And like the cake in chapter 1! Did u have to do the same? I wonder if everyone experiences this. But thats not so relevant to appreciating you- So thank you for seeing every side. Even mine. Thank you for taking this whole situation and turning it into something good for everyone. We should talk about stuff like this more- While I still wish I hadnt posted that confession Im happy with whats been made of it- Even if the damage was still done. Because disrespecting and dehumanizing creators like DRDT Dev who put themselfs through so much to make wonderful content for us is never ok and to sweep it under the rug Like nothing ever happened is even worse. I know I requested the original post be deleted But Im ok with it being up on other blogs and posts because its important to hold stuff like this accountable and talk about it. And u guys did just that which is why Im so proud and thankful for u. This isnt a Thanksgiving dinner But u all deserve to be appreciated for doing good things too and supporting DRDT Dev.

And that brings me to who I appreciate the most- DRDT Dev. Everyone has said it so perfectly already I cant think of how to say it myself. But theyre so strong for going through all this. With their health. And going through and finding things like what I said. And other things none of us know about because they work to prioritize us over themself. And yet they still dont give up. They still keep going even with everything. They dont have to do this. But they do anyways and we should all appreciate them so much for that. Because sometimes we forget they and there team are human- I forgot that too. Doing things like my confession and taking their work for granted and other things is never ok. Im so happy we can do something to share our appreciation for DRDT, DRDT Dev and their team. Bad things and arguments and DRDT Dev being hurt by me had to happen first. I wish it didnt and that fandoms would give this much love and support to their creators without some incident happening first. But Im happy what happened let us appreciate the dev for there work now. And even if the DRDT Dev doesnt create side content anymore because of this- Its alright. They shouldnt have to push themselves past their boundaries or limits for us cause they already do so much. Even if we dont know much about them- We know enough to say theyre a wonderful person and we all love their content and them so much.

I know a lot of ppl apologized on my behalf and I suppose I wrote a longer apology to DRDT Dev and the fandom. But Ill say again as the anon themself- I am deeply sorry DRDT Dev for what I and others have said and done. I hope that you are well. And that youre able to see our appreciation through these posts.

I love you all 💙

[flower-zombie-rob]

0_0

I'm so sorry they keep getting away with this, you probably should just close your ask box or just don't respond to their messages, you need to delete them when you see it. It's also possible they've revealed themselves before and you should block them. It was funny at first but its gone too far its not funny anymore.

I think im gonna start ignoring any blatantly gross ones now because i just also dont want to encourage them to harrass others.

I think theyre alright with their prescence here, but the more i respond to them the more i realise its my fault for encouraging it when they go and do similar things to the other users around me. I dont want to be this cause of harrassment and uncomfortable anons for the people in my circle, i never did.

Im alright with the whole t-word jokes and unhinged stuff but sometimes it does go a bit far with like sexual themes to do with the egos coming into my ask box and, as someone whos not actually attracted to men at all, it sometimes does feel like i dont know where my own boundaries are.

This isnt to say i think these anons are depraved or horrible people, most of their asks are relatively funny, I'm just not gonna respond to them as often anymore and want them to know that, while that kind of parasocial weird humour is welcome here, please dont put that shit in other peoples ask boxes just because im okay with it. I hate knowing that i cause these people to go and do this to other people who arent as comfy with it and that genuinely does come with a lot of guilt.

Essentially, i dont mind the anons, but i dont want them to get too unruly or do anything on any other blogs. Be unhinged, but dont be outright gross, k?

[dumbbitchfrommars]

i wanted to die at one point in my life. i wanted to watch as the blood dripped from the endless cuts i put on my own body, i wnted to see how mny i could fit on the areas of my body that werent visible because i wanted that private pain because i always knew the complete hypocrisy and idiocy of being suicidal and making it a caricature for the world to see.

its why i felt so stupid going to a psychologist that i seeked out for myself, every week, filling in that stupid sheet and downplaying my true feelings because it seemed so redundant to say i was depressed and anxious and having suicidal thoughts when i clearly desired to live enough to tell someone and try get help for it. but somehow i still wanted those things too. and i was invalidating myself by thinking the psychologist who barely knew or cared about me gave two shits about the fact that i was being a hypocrite.

im almost certain i have bpd.

if not i definitely have emotional dysregulation.

"nobody understands"

does nobody want to understand? or do i want them to not understand? or do i put it in the too hard basket - because no one knows how to fucking listen these days. or is it that i simply dont know how to say it. to say the hard thing and communicate how i truly feel. which is pure shit.

im beginning to disssociate from my own reality. potentially very likely the reason and source for all my creativity that i was wondering about. i thought it had gone for good. turns out i just needed to be completely stressed and depressed for it to come back - my perfect distraction. my one true love. dqydreaming. maladaptive daydreaming... hits different when my reality is unbelievably shit and worse. makes me get real juicy and creative with my made up stories to escape into.

the way my life is actully grreqt and fine and dandy and im lucky and special and i still feel like this. will the feeling ever go away?

its not fair that you made it all about you. my mental health is suffering because im trying so hard for everyone and youre turning my efforts into anither problem to pick away at? fuck you. fuck you. watch me prioritise myself. watch me take the biggest step away from you. youve failed me again, you alwaus fail me! you will never know what it feels like to be me. yiu will never understand.

i need to move out. i need to leave. i need to get the FUCK away. im so angry im heartbroken. im so angry im broken. i feel like a child again. how could you fail me so badly that i cut my own body and fantasized about death?

i really want to just go invisible. become the physical embodiment of what my internal world is feeling. but... more than usual. archive everything on instagram and change my bio to "gone for abit". delete the app. delete everything in fact. go awol. leave. disappear. isnt that what you want? isnt that what you deserve? if you wanted to ignore me so bad. ill just fucking leave then. ill go! im happy to do that. but somehow i know that wont work anymore. it never did, actually. it only did for me. and now i dont even think i get that as a consolation. because unfortunately my conscience is just too self aware to do that. anyway.

i just dont see anyone taking me and my issues seriously. thats how this problemcame to be, wasnt it? my parents judged and laughed at my big emotions. my feelings. my thoughts. now i dont know how to express fucking anything. but i also ccan? cause ive made it this far. hiding. hiding in plain sight. ugh

i cant keep doing this anymore. i cant keep writing! but i also cant keep hiding. but fucking everyone sucks. theyre just gonna have to deal, i suppose. what do i do, god? i dont know what else there is to say anymore. its all on the table. im still angry and hurt. and im so agonisingly close to that familiar feeling. god, i want to turn to my old bad habits but i know it wont help me. its a beautifully sadistic secret. but it helps nothing. its just a pointless secret. but at least its a release. its a sinful pleasure. once i do it, ill unravel. but i kind of want to. i want to be a bad person. ive always been a bad person pretending to be good, though. i could just be bad and authentic, and covered in bloody scars too. or i could just ... i wont go there just yet. im not thaat stupid, am i?

EWJGFVJFVKJDVKJDFVJKDFJKFVKJFVJKN

[ceasarslegion]

i feel like im often seen as this lighthearted jokey guy who just gets serious sometimes but i make snarky comebacks when i do as a defense mechanism. Its the only way i really know how to deal with harassment without shutting down. And im at my limit of how many jokes i can make out of the people that just keep dogpiling on me over and over

i dont like the kind of person i become when ive been on the defense for too long too consistently. it makes me prickly and hard to get close to because im always expecting another personal attack to launch at me, and i close myself off to others. Im not that kind of person really, im really quite sensitive and emotional and a bit soft-spoken in real life. im not innocent or naive, but im not aggressive or mean or hard-shelled or cold or closed-off. Ive always worn my heart on my sleeve and had a really hard time controlling and hiding my emotions because theyre so big for me. I genuinely have a hard time understanding that people can just be mean people for no reason other than the hell of it because the very idea is so inherently foreign to my own nature.

I used to think that was a weakness, and often tried to squash that part of me and harden it up into someone more cold and uncaring so that i stopped getting hurt so much. And then I started getting more and more harassment, and being constantly on the defense made me more cold. And turns out I don't like that guy very much, and would rather be sensitive again even though it hurt. It feels a bit like when I still had dysphoria pre-HRT. Shoving a foreign personality into a head that was never supposed to be that way.

I'm just... it's so foreign to me that people can be so mean. It always has been, and it always will be. I've been on this site since 2010, and it was never this bad. It's gotten so much worse so fast.

I don't know what the point of this write up is supposed to be really. But for now im just gonna indiscriminately purge, and if that doesn't fix the problem well... maybe it's time to think about finally deleting despite all the time and effort and the following I've amassed for myself. Maybe the community and fun I initially joined and stayed for all those years ago is just dead and gone for good.

im going on a serious purge of my entire dashboard, honestly. I didnt unfollow a lot of people because of past affiliations and current friendships, but its caused my entire feed to be inundated with discourse and negative news and its just served to mentally exhaust me to the point that i feel miserable and helpless sometimes. i absolutely dont need whats supposed to be my fun website to be filled with untagged photos and reports of dead bodies and essays about how everything i like makes me a shitty person because some creator involved in it was a shithead. And i do not need people to keep calling me a bad person over my own opinions on my own blog.

im just... im done with it. sorry if i unfollow you even though we did xyz together i guess, but its gonna be a one strike youre out rule from now on unless you are an actual irl friend of mine. i dont want to be this harsh but that was my official death by a thousand cuts moment. im so fucking done being treated like shit constantly

[ttoya]

this is uh a little personal but today is the day i am going back to therapy again for the first time since like 3-4 years (because of how bad my mental health has sadly gotten again) and i am kinda scared and nervous,,, my mom is coming with me (thankfully) but still. scary.

[busylilbee]

I have such a weird complicated relationship/feelings about my ethnic background(s) and it gets shoved into the front of my brain annoyingly frequently like I appreciate that my brain wants to think complexly but the time and place is not 5 mins before I need to be sleeping

[baroquebucky]

comfort

bucky always found comfort in steve, but he’s gone now. who will he turn to for comfort now?

word count: 3.1k

masterlist

a/n: hi bffs !! thank you anon for requesting this <3 just angst and fluff (and endgame steve >:[) !! let me know what you guys think :] (srry for any typos)

“this is bucky!” steve smiled at you happily, you were Steve’s neighbor, always lending him a helping hand when he needed it and giving him emotional support and encouragement that would last him a life time.

“nice to finally meet you! I’ve heard lots ‘bout you” you smiled, sticking your hand out and bucky reluctantly shook it. “why don’t you guys come in for a bit? I’m making some pasta and i put way too much” you grinned, watching as bucky and steve looked at each other, having a whole conversation silently before Steve spoke up again.

“we’d love to” he grinned, pulling bucky inside your apartment with him before you closed the door. Bucky took in your apartment, it was somewhat messy, but it a nice way, a live in sort of way. You had plants all along your windowsill and a basket full on blankets near your couch, books along the shelf with a couple other things and pictures all over the place.

“hope you guys like chicken Alfredo” you smiled, checking the pasta before deciding it was good enough and scooping some out onto three plates

“bucky i have a serious question for you” you spoke as you set the three plates down on the dinner table, smiling at steve as he thanked you.

“oh, okay” bucky mumbled, shifting in his seat and heart racing. You were gonna ask him about his time as the winter soldier weren’t you? You were going to judge him for everything he’d done.

“what animal do you think you can take in a fight?” You spoke seriously, looking at him as you set his plate down.

That’s it? What animal he could fight?

“what?” He asked, confused as to why you were asking him this. Surely this was some test? Maybe it was code for something, if he answered a specific animal then it proved he was a good person.

Steve groaned as you asked the question and you scowled at him, hitting him softly as you passed by him and to the kitchen to get some water for the three on you.

“what animal do you think you could beat if it was just hand to hand combat?” You looked at him, studying his features and quickly taking in the fact that he was in fact the most breathtaking man on earth.

Bucky looked at steve who let out a sigh.

“you should answer now, she asked me that a couple days ago and we talked about it for almost an hour” steve smiled, reminiscing on the way you even made him coffee so he could stay until the end of your discussion.

“uh, i mean, well i guess I’m a super soldier so- i don’t know i don’t wanna fight any of them” he spoke warily, looking at you nervously and watching the way you narrowed your eyes at him before your face softened, breaking into a wide smile and nodding your head proudly.

“James barnes i think you and i are going to get along just fine” you smiled, taking in the way his eyes lit up just a tad at your words.

Steve smiled at the way bucky sat a little straighter, loosening up a bit and warming up to you little by little. He wanted him to have someone to turn to, he wanted him to have you like steve did, someone he knew he could always rely on.

After the whole Blip went down and everything was back to normal bucky found himself lost at times, wandering the streets in seek of comfort. He was left alone in the world with nothing left from his old life.

Steve had only been gone for a couple of days and he already felt horrible. He had no one to turn to, no one to lean on. He was alone.

He tried finding solace in sleep, wishing that his mind would whisk him away to be happy in his dreams. His attempts were fruitless, all he managed to do was toss and turn, his mind racing and never relaxing enough to fully sleep.

The small moments he did manage to sleep he awake in a cold sweat, nightmares plaguing his mind, his memories rushing to him alongside the pain and thoughts that has recently set in after steve left.

Bucky sat on couch of his apartment, it was silent as the sounds of the city were muffled through the walls, rain gently hitting his windows. He so badly wanted to just break down and cry, to have someone tell him everything would be okay, to comfort him and remind him that he wasn’t alone even with steve gone.

Bucky scrolled through his contacts, vision blurred with tears as he searched helplessly for someone he could go to. As he scrolled through his contacts he found you, when had he put it there?

He clicked on your name and sure enough, there was a picture of you smiling brightly with steve, a note written under your contact information.

buck, y/n helped me get through everything, theyre sweet and caring and kind, please talk to them if you ever need anyone i promise you they can help - steve

Bucky let out a shaky breath as he read the note steve had left. When did he even get ahold of his phone? Buckys mind was racing, he wiped his tears and locked his phone. He would be fine, he didn’t need anyone to help him.

As the day progressed bucky felt the pain in his chest growing with each breath, tears threatening to spill out any moment. He was frustrated that the feelings wouldn’t just go away, it was persistent and nagging at him every minute of the day as he tried to push it away.

Maybe if i take a walk it’ll clear my mind, bucky reasoned, throwing on a jacket and heading out, there was only a very light drizzle as he walked aimlessly, trying everything to get his mind off the emptiness he felt in his heart.

Was he not good enough for him to stay? Was everything bucky had done, too much for steve? Why would he leave him so abruptly? After everything he just left him with no hesitation.

Bucky tried to shake away the thoughts but they grew louder and louder, tears stinging at his eyes and he decided he’d had enough.

Bucky stopped in his tracks, taking note of where he was and recalling the path he and steve had taken the first time they visited you, he let his mind wander, knowing there was nothing he could do to stop it.

By the time he reached your apartment he wanted to turn around and leave. Did you even live here still? We’re you even home? It wasn’t a good idea, he should deal with it by himself.

Bucky was about to turn to leave when you opened the door, dressed up with bright red lipstick on. Oh wow you were stunning, bucky thought as he turned around to face you.

“bucky?” You asked, looking at the man before smiling widely, “bucky! oh wow hi!” You grinned, not hesitating to pull him in for a hug and squeezing him tightly. As you pulled away you noticed his red eyes and the frown on his face. Your smile quickly disappeared when you saw the way he tried to hide the tear stains, looking down at his shoes.

“oh james what’s wrong?” You spoke softly, grabbing his wrist gently and pulling him into your apartment, he looked up quickly. It was still the same, it was just as homey as he remembered it.

You led him to the couch, quickly bringing over the basket of blankets and letting him choose whichever one he wanted, smiling as he picked the fuzziest of them all.

“good choice” you softly spoke, grabbing a blanket for yourself and setting it on the couch next to him.

“do you want anything to drink, i have coffee, hot chocolate, water and maybe some apple juice” you smile fondly at the man on your couch and he thought for a second before replying.

“can- do you think i can have a hot chocolate” he spoke softly, “please” the tone of his voice made your heart clench and you wanted to just hold him, but you knew he didn’t need that just yet, so you just nodded and made his hot chocolate as fast as you could, adding whipped cream and marshmallows and placing it on the table in front of him.

“added extra whipped cream for you” you smiled, slipping your heels off and grabbing your phone, “I’m gonna get changed and I’ll be back out in a second, make yourself at home buck” your smile was warm and sincere and he already found the emptiness fading.

“i have to cancel today I’m really sorry” bucky heard, his super hearing picking up on the conversation you were having. “something came up” your voice was calm. “no i cant just ignore it” your tone shifted, leaning towards annoyance as you continued.

“excuse me for caring about someone other than myself!” You spoke dryly, changing out of your dress and into some sweats and an oversized t shirt. “you know what i think, i think it would be better if you deleted my number and forgot about me actually! i think that’d be great” your voice was cold as you hung up, letting out a sigh before smiling slightly, thank god you didn’t have go through with that date.

As you walked out you noticed bucky getting up, heading towards the door.

“leaving so soon? you barely touched your hot chocolate” you frowned, your voice making bucky turn to look at you, his words died on his tongue when he noticed you were changed.

“you have a date” was all he said and you smiled, shaking your head and pulling him back to the couch with you.

“had” you corrected him, “cancelled on ‘em, didn’t really wanna go” you scrunched your face up as you spoke, sipping some of your hot chocolate before looking at bucky softly.

“got better things to do” you stated, watching the way he slowly warmed up to you, moving his body to face you.

“like what?” He whispered, looking down at the blanket in his lap as he let it lightly.

“like make my bestest friend in the whole world feel better” you answered, not missing a beat as you spoke, looking at him.

Bucky swore his heart was going to beat out of his chest. Never in a million years did he think someone he met a total of three times not so long ago could bring him so much warmth, so much comfort. He didn’t bother hiding the blush on his face, he knew you wouldn’t tease him about it, you were more focused on making him feel better.

“what’s eating at you buck?” You prodded him gently, watching his body language closely for any signs of discomfort. He looked at you before focusing on his hot chocolate, picking it up and taking a small sip.

“good hot chocolate” he mumbled, taking another sip and you smiled, nodding your head silently. Bucky set the mug down again, fiddling with his fingers in his lap. “it’s just-” he began, cutting himself off before he could continue.

“he didn’t say goodbye to you, did he?” His eyes were whirlpools of emotions. You gave him a sad smile, shaking your head.

“no, not really” you spoke, “he kind of hinted at what he was gonna do y’know? didn’t wanna say it out loud so we kind of, i guess just didn’t wanna say it” you mumbled, “made it too real” you smiled at him again, not wanting to make his mood any worse.

“don’t you- how are you so okay with it? I mean it’s just- don’t you feel like if you did more he wouldn’t have left?” Bucky asked, desperation in his eyes.

Everything clicked in your mind instantly. Your stomach fell and your heart broke in your chest, Bucky’s sad eyes and slumped shoulders told you everything you had to know. The way he couldn’t even keep eye contact with you for longer than three seconds, how he fumbled with something when he spoke. You wiped the frown of your face before giving him a reassuring smile, scooting closer to him.

“sometimes i do” you nodded, picking at some fuzz on your blanket, “i do find myself wondering if i had given him different advice throughout the time i knew him if he would’ve made a different choice” you spoke softly, bucky looked at you, watching the way your lips poured slightly.

“I’ll think ‘maybe if i had asked him to stay for dinner one more time’ or if i made him more hot chocolate” you chuckled softly, bucky smiled at your words, sadness filling his chest as he realized how hurt you must be.

“you shouldn’t blame yourself y/n, you did your best” he whispered, clearing his throat before continuing, “i mean you brought him so much comfort and helped him through so much, in the end it was his choice and that’s not on you” he finished, hands shaking slightly. Bucky was silent as you nodded.

“listen to yourself buck” you smiled, placing a hand on his, “it’s not your fault, you did your best, you meant so much to him and you always will” you assured him, squeezing his hand in yours. Bucky was quiet as you gave him soft smiles.

“I didn’t mean me-” he began but you shook your head.

“you were his best friend for his whole life, he talked about you all the time, spent years looking for you to get you back” bucky let out a shaky breath. “You were good enough, you are good enough james.”

The firmness in your voice made bucky look up, your eyes were set and serious. Bucky tried to find any trace of lies, but your words were sincere and settled in his bones like a warm fireplace.

“it’s just- i wish-” his voice cracked and his bottom lip quivered, tears stinging his eyes. He was embarrassed, moving to wipe his tear quickly.

You beat him to it, your hand caressing his cheek and softly wiping away at the tears. You moved you hand to the back of his neck and softly pulled him into you, shaking your arms around him as best you could.

Bucky cried into your shoulder, mumbling incoherent sentences as sobs racked his body. You help him tightly, rubbing his back soothingly and whispering to him it would be okay.

“you’re okay, i got you” you whispered, “I’m here let it out sweets, it’s okay.”

Bucky knew he should feel embarrassed for crying like this, in front of you, someone he barely knew. Your words were too comforting to let him and your presence far too warm to even let him consider leaving you at this moment in time.

You didn’t mind one bit that bucky was crying into your favorite t shirt, you held him tighter, giving him all the time he needed to calm down.

By the time Bucky’s cries had softened to soft hiccups he pulled away from you, eyes red and cheeks tear stained. His nose was pink and he sniffled softly, using the back of his hands to run his eyes.

You silently handed him some tissues, softly letting him know where the bathroom is. He smiled at you softly, getting up from the couch and heading to your restroom. You sat in silence as you waited for bucky to come back, sighing softly to yourself. You closed your eyes for a second, blinking away a couple tears and getting snacks from your pantry, putting on your comfort show and switching to the pilot episode.

Bucky washed his face with cold water, smiling at the fact that your bathroom smelled like eucalyptus. His dried his face and washed his hands, letting out a shaky sigh before looking at himself in the mirror, frowning at how broken he looked. He tore his gaze away and turned off the lights, walking out and seeing you sitting on the couch cross legged.

You smiled up at bucky, patting the seat next to you and moving so he could sit. The couch dipped a little as he sat down, grabbing the blanket and bundling it in his lap.

“when I’m upset i watch this show, it always cheers me up” you spoke to him gently, “that is if you aren’t leaving, i don’t wanna hold you hostage or anything” you chuckled and bucky smiled at you, laughing softly.

“no i- do you think i can stay a bit longer?” He asked and you nodded, linking your arms together and pulling each other closer.

“you can stay for however long you want” bucky felt his heart grow in his chest, how could you be so warm and welcoming to him? He didn’t question it for long though, your dazzling smile and sparkling eyes cleared his mind.

“ready?” You smiled and he nodded, watching as you hurried to press play, adjusting the volume and grinning as the show began.

Bucky couldn’t help but steal glances at you, smiling at how you mouthed the lines, offering him snacks if he hadn’t touched them in a while, constantly making sure he was okay.

Relaxation. He finally felt relaxed, his jaw was unclenched and his brows were furrowed, he had a small smile on his face. His muscles were relaxed as the showed played on your tv, your body heat radiating onto Buckys side.

You looked up to comment on something in the show but quickly stopped when you realized bucky had fallen asleep. His eyes were closed and he just looked so soft.

You smiled as you looked at him, moving some pillows quietly so you wouldn’t wake him. You helped him lay down and set the blanket on top of him, telling him to go back to sleep when he stirred slightly. For the first time since steve had left Buckys slept peacefully. He found comfort and assurance with you.

Steve was always looking out for bucky, always saying that he had to pay him back for all those fights bucky saved him from in the 40’s. Steve helped him get out of hydra, helped him get his mind back.

Bucky smiled at you as you pet alpine in your lap, dozing off as you struggled to stay awake before finally giving into sleep. He picked you up swiftly, tucking you into bed like you had done with him nearly a year ago. He kissed your forehead gently before sliding into bed next to you, falling asleep quickly with you by his side.

Now even after he was gone, he was helping him heal. And for that, he was forever grateful.

[helenofblackthorns]

@unicup-blog oh yeah I forgot about that line. however the question of "where are Helen and Mark in all this" does still remain.

like. why would Nerissa hide them? how did she hide them? especially since Helen would've been born well before anything went awry. she also can't lie so how do you keep that secret from your husband? twice?

did she give them to Nene? or another of their sisters even. (which... seems like a bad decision give what's actively happening to Arthur) when theyre are in love they want nothing to do with Helen and Mark & when they're not they can't stand the sight of them :(

also. the line technically is "And the lady beheld the secret fruits of their union and kissed them and tried to love them." which could mean it was a secret from him, but not necessarily? it just says they were a secret. which, when Helen telling the Clave version she says Andrew didn't know they existed but we also know Andrew never talked outright about faerie so that must be something she got from the files. but Andrew could have lied/withheld information to the Clave, and that could be the secret. that nobody but them know Helen and Mark exist.

and I mean. if that's the case & Andrew consciously left them behind, it could have been a decision made out of love. he might have thought they were better off in Faerie than in the Clave, and that they would be more accepted there. and Arthur wouldn't have known so maybe the secret plays a part in driving them apart?

also a couple people brought up that Nerissa may have influenced Andrew into forgetting them or leaving them behind (the only piece of him she gets to keep??) which also could be possible. idk if she could outright delete memories tho.

oh and it's also said that Andrew made up birthdays for them based on his memories of what happened. which could be him remembering weirdly long absences of Nerissa but it could mean like actual memories of their births too. (unrelated. does anyone else ever think about how Helen and Mark were technically born on the same day?)

moral of the story Helen and Mark have never not gone through it and I love rambling about them

whenever I think about Andrew & Nerissa and how their story ended I can't help thinking about Helen & Mark.... where are they?