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noroi1000 · 1 year

Text

I'm Sorry

paring: Gojo x reader (Murderer) x Geto

Words: 4,5k

Warnings: death, murders (poisoning, stabbing), suicide attempts (attempted stabbing, attempted poisoning, attempted drug overdose), depression, drug overdose, broken heart

Summary: you were loved. But Suguru wanted to break up with you for your sake. You killed him... Satoru pulled you out of your depression, however, for your sake, he broke up with you. You killed him too. And you didn't want to live anymore. But they won't let you die. Because they hurt you the most.

"I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you..." he said weakly as pain tore through his stomach. "I know an apology can't fix the fact that I broke your heart... I-I... I-I always... I always loved you... I don't... I don't want you to suffer because of me..."

You looked at his loving eyes. Tears flowed from your eyes as he pulled your hand, driving the knife deeper into his flesh.

"If it's... If it's meant to be... My punishment... I'll accept it... Provided... That you'll be happy afterwards...

Nah... It was something you wanted.

You wanted to be happy...

But when something was taken from you before you had it, you didn't want to live anymore. And you also wanted to punish him for making you suffer.

And after the death of your beloved, you will not be able to live either. With remorse. So you wanted to kill him as well as yourself.

But he interrupted you... by making the only person who died was him...

"You're beautiful."

You looked at your boyfriend who was sitting next to you, rubbing your cheek with his fingers.

With a small blush, you saw his purple eyes sparkle, showing you love.

You hugged his hand with a small smile.

"I would like to see you anytime."

"If I could, I'd go to school with you." You said, moving closer to him.

You rested your head on his chest, staring at the grass in front of you.

Going to the meadow with him was a good idea.

He sat next to you, wrapping his protective arm around you as you cuddled up to him.

"I don't want you to have to do this. Being a sorcerer is really bad for someone who wasn't born a sorcerer. I don't want you to be an assistant or a sorcerer who fights curses without even seeing it."

"I don't want to see you only once a week..." you said sadly.

"Oh baby, I love you. I don't mind going to your place every weekend. Don't destroy your dreams for me."

"I love you..." You said grabbing his other hand.

"When I finish school, we will see each other more often. You are my happiness. And I will do everything to make you happy~."

So why didn't he?

By the time he graduated, you weren't dating at all...

And you guessed why it happened...

You weren't a sorcerer...

And you couldn't be there with him when his thoughts and actions changed.

Instead of saving people's lives, he was taking it.

And you took away the joy of life...

He took everything from you...

"I didn't expect you to come today. Today is Wednesday, not Friday." You said with a smile as you let him into your new apartment.

A few months ago you turned 18, and you got this apartment. However, he has only been here a few times.

He walked in with a sad face. And his expression deepened as you hugged and kissed him to say hello.

He didn't mind. He wanted it. He wanted your touch. And your love.

However, for your safety, he could no longer take it from you.

You can't be together. If you were together, he would loathe you. You were not a sorcerer. You had nothing to do with sorcerers. There was no way to even change it. You were just an ordinary person. Just like when he met you.

He would hurt you just by his presence. Because even if he loved you that much, he could never accept the difference between you two.

He would run away from your touch.

There's also a chance that at some point he would have killed you. Like any other human.

He didn't want it.

He wanted you to live in this world. Separately. Maybe even with someone else. So that he has time to come up with something that will make you have at least a little bit of cursed energy.

"Is something wrong?" You asked as you pulled your head away from his chest.

He didn't answer you.

His hands didn't move to touch you.

He didn't look at you.

"I'm just here to tell you something."

"What is that?"

"I'm sorry..."

"Why are you apologizing? Sugu? Is something wrong? Tell me."

"We can not be together..."

"What?"

Your world stopped when you heard those words.

"We can't be together." He said a second time. More firmly. As if saying it the first time gave him at least some courage.

"Suguru...?"

"You're not my girlfriend... We're not together..." he said and moved your hands away from his body.

However, he held your hands a little longer.

But when he finally let go, you felt cold.

"I don't... I don't want..." the words were heavy in his throat. "I don't want us to be together..."

"Suguru..."

You reached for him but he pulled away.

Your heart broke at that moment.

"Don't come near me... Don't touch me..."

Tears flowed from your eyes. And then you took a step back from him.

You knew it would be...

"Why...?" you groaned shivering.

"...You're not a sorcerer... I don't want someone who is completely different from me..."

"you're lying! You always told me not to change for you! I wanted you to change something in me! Whatever! But you didn't want me to be that!"

"Apparently I've changed my mind." He said with an expression on his face as if he didn't care. No emotion. However, his psyche was falling apart.

It made you feel like he poured a bucket of ice water over you.

"I hate non-sorcerers... So I hate you too..."

Even though he was doing it to protect you, he couldn't protect himself from feeling the pain.

He wanted to hug you. Comfort and wipe your tears.

However... It was too late.

The old glow in your eyes is gone. There was sadness and hatred towards him.

"I hate you..." you whispered. "You're a goddamn liar... I hate you!"

"..."

"Go away! Get out and never see me again! Leave me! Because that's all you can do! All you can do is reject me!... Just... Just get out of my life already..."

You didn't hear his soft words "I'm sorry."

Because standing at your door, all he heard was you crying. Broken glass and the sound of impacts.

And your hands bled as you threw picture frames against the wall. Falling on the glass when you tore your pictures.

Something that signaled you would be happy.

However, that did not happen.

You didn't get lucky from him...

Your house was locked.

The curtains were drawn for the next month.

You only left the house to do some shopping.

Still, all the food you ate you threw down the toilet. Vomiting as your stomach rejected food. By refusing to obey you.

You ate small meals when you felt up to it.

You couldn't sleep.

And when you slept, you spent your nights on the couch.

Because you couldn't sleep in the bed you slept in together.

You were getting messages from your friends all the time.

From your old friends...

They wrote to you that since you ignored them and didn't answer them, it was the end of your friendship.

You no longer had anyone close to your heart.

Your depression even made you kill yourself. Put an end to your torments in this world. However, when you were holding the knife, you stopped.

And you thought that since you were suffering, you could also make him pay for it.

And you will die together...

You invited him home. Saying you found something he'd like to take. Because he left something more important with you.

Yes. He left memories there... And you.

And you wanted to end it. To teach him a lesson and also to end your suffering.

When he came and closed the door, you walked over to him, handing him the keys to his house that he gave you once. Saying that if you were around, you should come to him. Because his apartment was your home. Even if he wasn't there often when he was at school.

You handed it back to him and he just looked sadly at your expressionless face.

You didn't answer.

And the moment you got close seemed to pass. Because now you were closest to him when you gave him the keys. And now you're getting further.

You weren't able to attack him with a knife... You just can't do it right now...

If he left right away, you probably wouldn't be persuaded to do it.

However, he was standing there. And he responded...

"Everything's all right?" he asked gently. Especially since he's seen your house so dark.

You're a little messy, there's a crumpled blanket on the couch.

Unfinished food in the kitchen.

You were paler than any time he saw you. There were dark circles under your eyes. You looked very weak...

It was so quiet. so empty...

Your hands were shaking.

And your eyes were dark. Didn't see any glow...

Light was provided by lamps in the living room and kitchen.

You didn't let daylight on you.

You didn't answer him and turned around without a word.

You don't want to kill him...

But you're so angry...

You hoped he'd leave before you made up your mind.

You walked to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of dissolved sedative.

If you do, you'll be a killer...

You will kill the man you love so much...

And you will also kill yourself...

So either way you're going to hell...

He followed you instead of leaving.

And he watched you slowly drink the slightly pink liquid from the medicine.

He also saw other drug containers.

Vitamins, painkillers, sleeping pills and sedatives.

He saw what happened...

You became so depressed that you sought any help from medication. To fall asleep, to calm down. To soothe the pain. And that you don't get worse. That's why you ate and drank extra vitamins.

He was wondering if you overdosed on those drugs.

He also saw an empty alcohol bottle.

You were drinking your depression away, no matter if it made you feel worse.

The disgusting bitter taste combined with the false warmth made him vomit up all the alcohol you drank. At least you didn't do it with drugs.

And that sometimes allowed you to sleep normally.

As you set your glass down, he walked over to you, putting his hand on your shoulder.

He thought you'd be better.

He didn't know you'd take it so badly.

"You need help?" he asked gently. Causing tears to flow from your eyes.

And he hugged you.

Your shoulders relaxed, however your body acted instinctively.

You grabbed a knife...

As you regained awareness of your mind, Suguru's hands held you weakly.

And at one point he fell to the floor, sitting leaning against the wall.

A pool of blood formed around him.

More and more.

You sat on your thighs with tears streaming down your cheeks, feeling hot blood seeping into your pants.

You laid your head on his shoulder without saying a word, hugging him for a moment.

And then you pulled away, and you pulled the blade very slowly out of him.

Watching him wince in pain as more blood seeps from the gash in his stomach. It was a really deep wound...

You pointed the knife at you, intending to drive it under your chest.

Punishment for him for making you suffer. Your punishment for killing him.

As you are about to pull the knife, his hand appeared on the blade. His hand was cut as he held the metal between his fingers, holding you back.

And then he reached for your hands with his other hand, and reversed the direction of the knife while you were distracted.

He yanked your hands hard, causing the knife to dig into his stomach, widening the wound.

He let out a pained groan.

You couldn't look at his face normally as fresh blood began to flow from the corner of his mouth.

However... It was your plan...

"This knife wound belongs only to me..." he groaned. "You can't... I totally get you... I hate myself for that too..."

You felt his fingers tighten around your hand.

You looked at his loving eyes. Tears flowed from your eyes as he pulled your hand, driving the knife deeper into his flesh.

"If it's... If it's meant to be... My punishment... I'll accept it... Provided... That you'll be happy afterwards...

His breathing was heavy as he spoke.

You saw that his eyes were cloudier.

"... I did it... For your... Safety... But I'm glad... That it... will end like this... I deserved it... Gasp... From the moment I said... That I... Hate you... But I... I still... Love you... Cough..."

"I only want one thing... From you... Promise me something... Promise that after I die... That you will find happiness...

After he gave his last breath, you lay on his body crying even more.

You hugged him, feeling his warmth for the next hour. Until his body grew colder and colder...

you hate him. But you still love him.

His last words are an apology...

He put his hands on you, hugging you and whispering apologies. Before he fell asleep. And he didn't struggle at all to break free from the confines of eternal sleep.

The only person who was interested in you was Satoru...

After everyone left you, he asked if you were okay.

The only person.

He invited you to a meeting. Because he knew you were in pain after Suguru left.

But he didn't know about his death.

And he also didn't know that you buried his dead body. Burying it in the meadow where you two used to spend time together.

It was hard for you to get him there, but you made it. And you gave him the funeral he deserved.

You loved him, but you hated him.

He was lying under grass and flowers, without a tombstone. Where only you knew where he was.

And that's why you visited that place.

You didn't know that at one point you were held by hands.

Satoru was your best friend. Just like he was the same for Suguru.

And for a year, he managed to pull you out of your depression.

He was your boyfriend.

You fell in love with him as much as you fell in love with Suguru.

He loved you too.

But you couldn't forget your love for Suguru.

Then it was in you.

However, you loved Satoru now, and he was giving you feelings.

you were happy.

But you didn't like that too often you were alone for a few days or even longer. He went on missions and did various things.

Your apartment you had has been sold.

Because you couldn't live with him where his best friend died. He died at your hands.

He still doesn't know why you go to your hometown to go one meadow.

He figured it was a sentimental place for you. So he let you.

When you washed the blood off your hands and the walls of your apartment, you wanted to find happiness. You promised it to your ex-boyfriend.

you were happy...

However, it didn't last as long as you wanted...

Satoru also had reasons to break up with you.

Again for your safety. mental.

He left you home alone too often. And it doesn't matter that he loved you so much. He couldn't give you a completely normal relationship.

Because he was on missions too often.

So once he came home after a mission, you were glad he was back. You were tired of being alone.

But as you hugged him, you saw that something was wrong here.

His face looked the same as Suguru's when he came to you the day he broke up with you.

"Satoru?"

"I don't think we can be together..." he said sadly and hugged you.

History repeats itself...

"...Toru...?" There were tears in your eyes as he said that.

You were already oversensitive on this point.

Therefore, if you heard someone break up with you a second time, you would go back to where you were at the beginning.

"I'm so sorry, but I know you're not happy with me leaving all the time. This is not a normal relationship..." He said holding you tight. "I love you, but I think you should find another boyfriend. Better than me... Because I can't keep you by my side all the time...

Your arms were heavy as you realized your love was over.

"Why are you doing this to me too...?" You asked, pushing away from him.

"I'm sorry... I'm not cut out to be your boyfriend... You'd be better off with a normal boyfriend... As a sorcerer, I can't give you the same... I don't want to leave you again and again

"You both can't ask me for my opinion..."

"It's all about me... I'm the one who's not cut out to be someone you can love... You're wonderful, however... We can't be together anymore..."

As tears fell from your eyes, you ran away from his hands.

You screamed that you hated him. You were moving away from him. He didn't want to leave you. You would be friends. But you could make a life with someone else.

He was afraid that you would go back to the way you were a year ago.

Even when you were 19, you lived together. You both supported each other.

You had a home, and you thought about a future together.

However...

Again your happiness didn't last long...

"I don't want you to leave me too! I don't agree to that!"

He respected your decision. So as long as you could handle it, he was going to be your boyfriend.

However, you already hated him.

You ran away from home.

You were still his girlfriend.

However, you didn't want to admit it. Are you guys going to be together even after he told you you were breaking up?

You came back the next day. You've been wandering around town all day. All night.

Until you finally came back, and you saw his note saying he had to go on a mission, and he'd be back tomorrow.

You'd be able to forgive him if he hadn't said he was breaking up with you.

You would be able to live with him like this, even if he left, he would always come back.

But now...

You are plagued by dreams about Suguru's death.

You feel guilty.

Death itself haunts you.

You hate Satoru so much...

He also broke your heart.

Maybe now you can die with him... Maybe he'll let you.

When he returned in two days, because his mission had been extended, he saw your house in a different state than usual.

The windows were also covered. There was a plastic bag on the kitchen table.

Terrified that you might be abusing your meds again to calm you down, he went over there but saw only a packet of coffee inside and sugar.

"We're out of coffee... I went shopping." You said to him as you stood a few feet away.

"(y/n)!" He groaned seeing you there.

He saw that your eyes had dark circles under them.

You didn't sleep without it.

"Would you like some coffee?"

"You stayed with me... Do you really like the fact that I'm still gone?" he asked calmly.

"You wanted to break up with me... So we broke up... Even if I don't agree, you've already made the decision for me... So I... I'm not your girlfriend anymore... I'm here to talk to you... One last time... If you don't want me to be with you..."

He came over to you quickly.

"It is not like that...! I want to be with you but I don't want you to be alone all the time... I just thought if you had a normal boyfriend you'd be happier than me..."

"However, you said you wanted to break up with me... So we broke up... We're officially not a couple anymore... I'll try to rent an apartment–."

"No, Please. live here. The moment you find happiness with someone else, I'll move out." He said calmly. He wanted to keep you with him as long as possible. So he could spend time with you.

Once again, he gave you no choice.

If you stay here, you'll kill him and you...

"Don't go, please..."

You made him coffee, and while he was in the shower, you put poison in his coffee, stirring it up.

And when he came back, he drank at once with a smile.

He was sitting next to you in the kitchen while you were cleaning.

And in a few minutes, he felt a terrible pain in his stomach.

And suddenly blood came out of his mouth. Just like the nose.

"W-What's going on..." he moaned, clutching his stomach.

As much as it would hurt him, there was nothing else you could do.

You know he can heal wounds with cursed energy. But he can't counteract the poison.

He stood up, leaning against the counter as his hand was clamped over his stomach.

"(y/n-n)..."

You looked at him with a sad face.

And you showed a vial with a white powder inside.

And then he figured you poisoned him.

He was horrified when he saw it.

But later, he calmed down.

He deserved it...

He hurt you so much. He tore the wound open.

You walked over to him and hugged him, and then he hugged you too.

Feeling his insides burn out, he breathed harder.

"I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you..." he said with a small smile as he felt something tearing him apart. And the way his throat burned. "It's my fault. And I completely understand you..."

He spoke in a hoarse voice.

You felt his body getting weaker next to yours.

As you looked into his eyes, you saw his tears filling his cloudy eyes.

He began to breathe through his mouth, wanting to stay on his feet as long as possible.

To see you as long as he can.

"I hate myself for not being able to make you happy. All I wanted was your happiness..."

"Why do you both have to say the same thing before you die...?" You asked quietly, tears streaming down your cheeks.

Then he found out that you murdered Suguru.

That's why you were so jittery when you saw death, even on TV.

You grabbed the cup of coffee he was drinking.

And you took a few sips.

To die with him.

Standing on weak legs, he could barely see what was going on. He didn't see many details. His vision was slowly blurring.

Even if you killed Suguru out of hatred, you had to do the same as you did now. You also wanted to kill you.

However, you had to find yourself a happy life.

And they failed you.

With the last of his strength, he punched you hard in the stomach, causing you to vomit what you drank.

And then he fell to the floor, sitting with his hand on the chair. Keeping it upright.

"W-Why...?!" You screamed coughing. You saw coffee splashed on the floor. It was the only thing you had in your mouth today.

"Only I deserved it... To die... It's okay if it makes you feel better... However... You can't die... It's my fault that I wasn't able to make you happy. .."

"I'm sorry..."

And he fell to the floor, unconscious.

The moment you approached him, his pulse was very slow. And the breath was almost gone.

Once again, you couldn't die with someone you love.

You didn't get punished for your murders.

You had to live with it...

You made a grave for Satoru in the garden. Saying goodbye to another man you loved so much.

For a year your life was like a month after Suguru left.

you wanted to die...

You didn't have the strength to eat, so your only purchases were instant noodles and dry biscuits that would go bad.

You often went to the pharmacy.

You wanted to go to sleep. However, you couldn't. Something was weighing on you.

Like something is holding you. And it made you feel heavy.

You only slept on sleeping pills.

The house you and Satoru lived in made you feel bad.

But you didn't want to leave this place.

You wanted to die there...

You had a birthday a few days ago. You are now 20 years old.

And you don't want to live so much...

Not without them...

You wanted to end it already.

You crushed a lot of painkillers along with sleeping pills and mixed them into a glass of water.

He walked around the house before she went into the bedroom to go to bed and drink a whole glass of medicated water at once.

It was supposed to keep you from waking up. You wanted it so much... Maybe you can join them.

However, you will go to hell... and they may be in heaven...

It didn't taste the way you thought it would taste.

However, you closed your eyes.

To dream only to regret your actions that you have done out of hatred.

When you opened your eyes, it was bright.

You saw two faces.

Satoru and Suguru...

You died... Now for real...

"Good morning, honey." Satoru said to you. "This must be the first day in a year that you slept like this, right?"

Did you feel... rested...

In the grave you will always be rested.

"You're not dead. Baby." Suguru said

"I-"

"If you drank it right away, you'd die. However, I've already traded it for vitamins. And also for only two sleeping pills." Satoru said.

So you're alive?

But they...

They're not alive...

So how?

"We promised you happiness, baby. So here we are. And now we'll never leave you. You're ours."

You are unable to smile. Your suicide attempt has been thwarted. Because you have them. They won't let you leave his world because you're supposed to be happy.

They'll see to it.

Satoru is an angel who fled from heaven to be with you.

Suguru is a demon who escaped from hell for you.

Suguru has been with you as a demon for three years.

Satoru has been with you as an angel for two years.

Two years have passed since then.

You don't want to die anymore.

You sleep with them.

You can sleep normally.

After two years with both of them, you finally managed to smile.

And when you hugged them you felt really loved.

So you could only say a few words.

"I'm sorry... I love you...'

#gojo satoru #jujutsu kaisen x you #satoru gojo #geto angst #geto x you #gojo x y/n #gojo x reader #gojo x you #gojo angst #gojo x reader x geto #angst with a happy ending

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empressofthelibrary · 2 months

Note

Tell me about Jamie and Rachel

......Okay, I've been trying to keep my mouth shut about them because I'm worried I'll lose the motivation to write if I spill the beans, but... When I look at the pace I'm actually writing at, I might not get there until I literally retire. So... Here we go. Spoilers ahead, obviously.

Long story short, they're Bailey and Dick's daughters. I'm not sure how obvious that was, but I'd be shocked if nobody had put that together yet, honestly. And they might be from another dimension. They hatched from eggs that grew from a plant Bailey got as a wedding gift from the girls' fairy godmother.

...I'm gonna explain everything, but it's a helluva ride, so buckle up. Time travel is heavily involved, so be warned. It gets confusing.

The earliest seeds of this start not in Bailey's relationship with Dick, exactly, but with a cryptic warning from a random blonde girl with a very strong grip and intense orange eyes. She tells Bailey to "stay away from the peacock man" and... Vanishes back into the crowd.

Bailey brushes it off as a prank from some weird kid.

Fast forward a little bit, and Bailey gets called in to body-double for Princess Lydia of Valdania. The country is in political turmoil, Lyd is announcing a marriage of state, the risk of assassination attempts is high. There's a masquerade ball involved, because what's the point of fanfic if not self-indulgence, and Bailey encounters a man dressed as a peacock. She has completely forgotten the warning from the weird kid, but her "bodyguard" steps in before she can accept this wierdo's request for a dance. That becomes important later, I promise.

At some point, through some kind of Star Trek Bullshit, I'm sending Bailey into the 30th century. Someone else needs to be with her; it can't be Wally, for obvious reasons. She gets back with the help of Cary Wren, the GL of the time, but... Cary misses the target by about a decade. Bailey lands about ten-to-fifteen years ahead of when she left, practically in the lap of a twenty-something Lian. (Lian is growing up normal, fuck canon, this whole "Shoes" thing is stupid.) Bailey panics once she realizes she's not when she's supposed to be, and who she's looking at. She's familiar enough with the scifi genre to know that finding out your own future is bad. Lian is trying to do damage control, making sure Bailey learns as little as possible, while still getting her home. But she can't keep a perfect lid on things, and Bailey comes face to face with a very curious child -- One with red-gold curls framing her freckled face, a gaptoothed grin, and giant, almond-shaped eyes, blue as cornflowers.

Everyone freezes. Chris -- now also an adult -- scoops the child away as fast as he can. Bailey does not understand the tension in the room. She has a niece, clearly. That kid looked exactly like her nephew Aiden did at her age. Obviously Phoebe had another kid. Why a civilian child is here is a mystery, but she's trying really hard not to think about that.

The other person on the adventure with her points out the obvious. Bailey laughs it off -- It's pretty much physically impossible for her to have kids. And who would the dad even be? She'd be an awful mother besides. Nah, no way. That cycle ends here. (The thought had crossed her mind, but it scared the shit out of her, so she shoved it down deep.)

Fast forward a bit. Bailey freaks out and runs away from an actual relationship beginning with Dick, because change is hard and scary and good things never stay and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah commitment. I've talked about this a little.

To be more specific, she runs away to space with Kyle. While in space with Kyle, the party runs afoul of a Black Mercy. Bailey gets sucked into a dream. She's married to Dick, and has been for fourteen years. They're both going gray, getting old. Together. They have a little yellow house with a porch swing and a picket fence. There's a shelter cat, a cranky old-as-hell ginger tabby with one good eye. The sidewalk is covered in chalk drawings.

And they have two fantastic, adorable, smartmouthed daughters. Jamie's older, eleven, and already almost as tall as her father. Rachel is six, and steals the chocolate chips from the pancakes Dick makes on Sundays. They're both bright, compassionate, opinionated girls, so full of light and life and joy. Jamie has Bailey's righteous anger and outspoken nature. Rachel has Dick's quick mind and mischievous tendencies. Bailey loves them, loves this life, so much. It's everything she's ever wanted. Everything she didn't realize she wanted. Everything she was afraid to let herself want.

But she does. She wants it so, so much.

And then Zyzzanyx, the imp she'd... encountered... previously (that's another post) pops in. Explains that she's gonna die if she doesn't make herself wake up -- that Kyle and Laney and the others are gonna get hurt if she doesn't help them. And Bailey has to let it all go.

(The Man Who Has Everything did not do enough exploration of the long-term psychological ramifications of this concept to suit me, okay?)

Bailey is deeply shaken by this dream. She starts to realize that she does want to be a parent, but the idea of stability and putting down roots still scares the hell out of her. It takes someone else pointing out that she's already basically adopted Lanos, the amnesiac navcom AI who is from another Earth, for her to really start to come around to the idea.

...This is what leads to her freakout that has her knocking on Ollie's door at four in the morning, unleashing a wall of text, and recounting the whole tale so far over several bowls of chili.

Unfortunately, Laney leaves. Bailey doesn't really have a stable place to share with a teenager, and... Lanos has a big sister to get to know, and a whole new universe to explore. They stay in contact, but it's a bit like sending your kid off to boarding school.

Shortly after that, she leaves for Los Angeles. She doesn't really have anywhere to stay, having lost her apartment while in space, and she's been couch surfing. Bette offers her a proper room in her penthouse apartment in LA, and a chance to rebuild the Titans West. Bailey takes her up on it. Staying in the Gotham/Metropolis/NYC area was too close to Bludhaven and Dick anyway; the further away she could get from him, the better.

From there, the next big chapter we get in this saga is what I refer to as the Little Mercies Arc. And this one I need to do a lot of research before I write, I know. But essentially, someone is making designer drugs derived from a Black Mercy they got ahold of and embiggified to a truly dangerous degree. You know those century-old rhododendron bushes that are the size of a small car? It's like that. But Bailey and Jason take this person down, and burn the stash.

...Or. Most of the stash, anyway. Bailey picks up a single sleeve of the Little Mercies. She tells herself it's for research. Study. Finding out how it was made. But it's not. She knows it's not.

She misses her daughters. She misses the life she could have lived, if she hadn't fucked things up with Dick. She's only human, after all.

You can see where that's going.

Bailey stabilizes, gets some help, starts getting better. She gets more involved with the local community, doing volunteer work and stuff; that was Ollie's idea, and it's a good one. She forms connections with people, even starting a new relationship with an old acquaintance, Jonah Pavoni -- a nurse, formerly from Central, who helped her decide to take up being a superhero.

...Cut ahead about... Twentyish years or so. Metropolis. Four teenagers in spandex are in hot pursuit of a man in a peacock-themed outfit. They are:

A speedster in green -- Kickstart, also known as Trenton Swift; currently the second-youngest ward of the West-Allen clan, until his parents can be found.

An acrobat in blue-and-black -- Madcap, Blythe Phillips; daughter of forcibly-retired minor-league supervillains Punch and Jewlee, seeking to redeem her family name through vigilantism.

A blonde Kryptonian girl with orange eyes -- Liora of Kandor, once Liora Tyr-Van; an escapee of the bottled city, hoping to find a way to unshrink her people before their resources run out. I'm leaning towards Spitfire for a name.

And at the front of this quartet, a young archer, black-haired, blue-eyed, and both enraged and terrified. Rachel Marion Grayson-Adler, Fledgling, third-generation superhero. She's eager to prove herself, and desperate to stop the man ahead of them.

He's headed for the Jules Verne Museum, after the time-bubble Clark donated, the one he used to visit the 30th Century growing up. If he gets ahold of it, if he jumps back to when he wants... It could literally wipe her family out of existence.

Unfortunately, they don't make it. The guy gets away with the time-bubble. So what do a bunch of 15-17yos do to solve this problem?

Steal the other time-bubble from the Flash Museum, obviously.

They leap into the timestream after him, but none of them know how to pilot the dang thing. Ray and Liora are trying to shoot the other bubble down. Blythe is hitting random buttons because one of these things has to help, right? Trent is just trying to steer while the three girls move around the tiny, cramped ship.

...Both bubbles crash. All five time-travellers are now scattered along the timeline. And this is where it gets confusing, so stay with me.

Blythe lands on a random rooftop in Gotham, just before the whole thing with the dragon-wizard from another dimension. That is also its own post. But that happens after Bailey gets back from space but before Laney heads out.

Liora tumbles into the middle of Bailey's team-up with Kara, Bette, and Shayera. She helps, but she also has to gtfo because the giant robot dinosaur they're fighting is kryptonite-powered.

Trent... Actually snaps back to the time they left, and goes for help in the form of the Team's Designated Older Siblings, Jamie and Wade.

Rachel crashes into the middle of the West-Park dining table, appearing out of thin air, at roughly the same time Bailey is getting her head back on straight.

And the other guy, the one they were chasing? His bubble lands in the wrong time, but not too far off the mark. He's outside a small volunteer clinic in Keystone City. It doesn't take much use of his touch-telepathy to steal the knowledge, training, and clothes of an unlucky nurse, a witness to the crash, and he slides in seamlessly. He's now Jonah Pavoni, RN.

Jonah's plan all along was to steal the time-bubble and go back to before the love of his life -- the woman who saved him, the brilliant, shining angel, the ethereal wonder he's loved since childhood -- before she married some asshole who didn't deserve her. When he crashed in the wrong place and time, he didn't know if he'd ever find her again. But three days later, the Pied Piper drags her in. She's injured, but the wounds are more mental than physical. Of course -- his goddess couldn't be brought down so easily. She just needs... A little encouragement. A nudge or two. He can help with that.

It's like fate brought him exactly when and where he needed to be, placed him in an even better position to convince Bailey of his devotion. Now nothing could keep them apart -- not the misalignment of their ages, not distance, not that stupid neglectful jackass. No, now he could be here for Bailey, from the very beginning, building her up, adoring her, showing her the worship she deserves. Finally, he could be hers, and she could be his. As it was always meant to be.

...Man's a little bit not right in the head.

Blythe and Liora are trying to find their friends, and worrying about Jonah later. Liora crosses paths with Bailey once, and in the interest of still having her best friend to find, tries to warn Bailey to be careful. It doesn't work that well.

Rachel, however, needs to find Jonah right now immediately. While also keeping her identity secret from her extended family and avoiding the hell out of anyone who might recognize her, so she doesn't Marty McFly herself out of existence. She's a walking ball of anxiety, my poor lanky dorito girl.

Wally would like to help, but she keeps saying she isn't allowed to talk to him about it and there are time-travel rules and he has no fucking clue who this sassy lost child is but she called him Uncle Wally so clearly she's family of some kind. But his family is really damn big, and he doesn't know who he's supposed to help her avoid. She's an archer with super strength, she might be Roy and Donna's kid? Somehow? But she also used the phrase "Uncle Clark," and her eyes are really blue, and she has that dorky little forehead curl -- Kon has weird time-travelling clone daughters, right? And... He and Bart are close...?

While all that is going on, Trent, Jamie, and Wade arrive in the present day. They're in Gotham. It's a full moon. On Friday night. Naturally, things are going sideways all over the city. The addition of two speedsters and an acrobat are easy enough to hide. ... For a bit. Eventually they get spotted by the local nosy busybodies. Wade is completely unfazed by the arrival of the bat, Trent is mildly shocked to see Mr. Wayne still in the suit, and Jamie is dying because that's her grandpa how could this go any wronger.

More bats show up, that's how. Including Dick.

They eventually nab Blythe -- who has been having fun stopping criminals, harassing the local vigilantes, and bonding with Steph in the few months she's been stranded -- and as they're trying to leave, Dick puts it all together. He has a daughter. From a future that, after Bailey literally left the planet to avoid putting a name on whatever was happening between them, seems unreachable.

Things get emotional, obviously, and moreso when they part. Jamie can't stick around, she has to find the others. No, Dick can't help, he's already figured out too much and putting the fabric of spacetime at risk. Or something.

Dick, reluctantly, lets them leave to go find Liora. I'm not totally sure where she's been during all this, but I'm batting a few ideas around. They grab her and set to finding Rachel.

While all this is happening, Jonah reveals the full truth to Bailey. He's the kid she saved in her latest adventure. He's been in love with her for two decades, since that fateful moment. He's crossed time and space and warped the laws of reality just to be with her. He'd planned to just come back to this point, but what he'd gotten -- this chance to get to know her, to watch her become the hero he always admired -- it was more than he ever could have dreamed.

And now, now they could be together. He's finally repaired the time bubble. They can sweep away to the time he left, have a life together. He's waited for her for so long, can't she see how much he adores her? Won't she be his?

...Bailey, on her end, has had a series of bombs dropped on her. By a guy she's not even sure she can call her boyfriend yet. Ending in what sure as hell sounds like a proposal? And he... Might be a kid?? She says no, like any sane person would, with a few expletives thrown in.

Jonah does not like this answer. He didn't want it to go like this, but... He reaches for Bailey. If she won't love him willingly, he'll just make it happen.

THWIP!

Suddenly there's an arrow sticking through Jonah's palm.

"STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM HER," Rachel screams, barely clinging to her vantage point.

A fight naturally ensues. I don't have it choreographed well, but we wind up with all three parties -- Bailey and Jonah; Rachel and Wally; Jamie, Wade, Trent, Liora, and Blythe -- all in the same space. During the chaos, Rachel falls from some great height, while injured. Bailey dives after her.

It's too great a fall for her to survive, if she can't recover. And with her wounded -- maybe Jonah has, like, feather-shaped daggers and he stuck one in her side? -- she can't do much. Bailey is trying, but she can't quite reach --

-- and then two feathered wings, shining a brilliant gold, like flame and sunrise, unfurl from Rachel's back.

Ray scrambles to pull up, flapping awkwardly, moving on instinct alone. She pulls up, rising into the air, crowing and laughing and on one hell of an adrenaline high. Bailey helps her get back to the others. Ray gets patched up. There's celebration and relief and joy. Someone makes a "Literal Flying Grayson" joke. Wally still wants an explanation, please and thank you?

Once all that gets shook out, Bailey turns to Jonah. He tried to kill her daughter. He is a threat to her girls, and he won't stop until he's stopped permanently. Clearly, there's only one thing to do.

Wally steps in, trying to plead for mercy. Bailey laughs, and agrees. She'll show him mercy, alright.

...Remember that giant mega Black Mercy? It went into the care of one Dr. Pamela Isley, retired since her wedding to Harley, and considered mostly rehabilitated. Her indoor garden has a real nice skylight.

So yeah. Bailey can show him a little mercy, alright.

There's a whole lotta crying as the time-travellers make their goodbyes. Bailey tries to put on a brave face, because you gotta for your kids, but she doubts she'll ever see their future. But she's so, so proud of them, and she loves them so much.

Fast-forward a bit again. Throughout Bailey and Dick patching things up and figuring out a relationship for real, there's a whole lot of dramatic tension as they both try to keep their mouths shut about the possible future they've both seen, but don't know the other one knows about. Bailey is scared to death that Dick would be with her for that future -- only a possibility she doesn't even know how to reach -- and not for anything inherent to her, and Dick doesn't want to put any pressure on Bailey and make her run away again. It's a whole thing! But they do work it out, and... Well, wedding bells do ring.

And Bailey gets a very unusual wedding gift from Zyzzanyx, her old ally. A small chest, containing what sure looks like two tulip bulbs. Zazz explains that these'll grow into the girls, so... She and Dick can plant 'em when they're ready. It's old magic, and it'll take a drop of blood from each parent, but, well. She's fond of the little rugrats too, she guesses. And watching Bailey be miserable about not having them is, y'know, depressing or whatever.

Bailey thanks Zazz for this, and releases the imp from her life-debt. (Like I said, that's it's own post; this is already a mile long.)

The girls eventually happen. Jamie is roughly of an age with Wade, less than a year younger. Ray is born about five years after that, I think. They grow up safe and happy and loved, with a phenomenally huge number of aunts and uncles and grandparents.

There are many arguments and discussions regarding youthful vigilantism and sidekickery, but once again, Bailey cannot stop the future. It's allowed, but under very strict conditions regarding school and social lives. Jamie begins training at age fifteen, taking on the name Dawnbird, and patrolling with her dad.

Rachel learns archery from Aunt Cissie, and then from Uncle Roy and Grandpa Ollie, when she won't be deterred from masking up once she turns fifteen. She uses Fledgeling as her moniker, one of her mother's nicknames for her, as something of an olive branch. Bailey relents and lets Ray be her partner.

I could go on, but I think this post is long enough as is. Most of the rest of what I have is bits and pieces and fun facts anyway. If there's anything anyone's curious about or wants me to elaborate on -- or if you need a diagram, 'cause I got a little Charlie Day here -- my askbox is open!

#Jamie Wren (oc)#Rachel [REDACTED] (oc)#Trent | Kickstart (oc)#Liora of Kandor (oc)#Blythe | Madcap (oc)

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jaijaitbinks · 1 year

Text

Thinkin' about a GenoSai marriage proposal where Saitama, prior to them even developing feelings, tells Genos he doesn't feel much towards marriage.

Like, it was brought up in subtle conversation once. Maybe they stumbled upon a marriage proposal on their way home or maybe they passed by a ring shop/jewelry store while going to the 3rd grocery store on their list. And when they finally get home, Genos asks Saitama: "Sensei, would you ever want to get married?" (Or something like that)

Saitama ponders the question, head tilted towards the ceiling in thought, before saying: "Nah, not really."

Genos asks him why.

"Because I don't really see the point in it." He shrugs. When Genos continues to look at him, he sits up straighter and attempts to explain further. "I mean, if you really love the person, I don't see why an official marriage ceremony needs to happen. To me, it's more like this celebration just so you can have your relationship on a certificate." Shrugging his shoulders, he adds: "Not that I wouldn't be happy to marry someone. It's just that I probably wouldn't react much if I was proposed to.I already love the person and they already love me—no need for months of planning just so we can kiss in front of people, eat cake, and dance."

Genos feels a little disappointed by his answer, but he understands where he's coming from. So the conversation shifts and that was the end of it.

Fast forward a few years, maybe two or three. Saitama and Genos are having dinner on a rooftop after another day of monster fighting. Genos is as anxious as any 21/22 year old would be, planning to propose. Those words from over 2 years ago broiling in his head.

After he sets his empty box down, he turns to Saitama.

"Saitama," he calls, knowing that using his first name would get his attention indefinitely. And it does. The man does not reply, but he looks up at him, giving his full attention. Genos takes a breath he doesn't really need. "Do you remember... do you remember when you told me how you felt about marriage? That you wouldn't react much to a proposal?"

Now, forgive Saitama for this, but the question was so out of left field, he just stared at Genos. It took him a second to process it, register it. But before he could even begin to think about the implications of it, he's watching a compartment in Genos' arm open and the cyborg reaching in to pull out a box.

"Forgive me for wanting this..." he says. Saitama's mouth falls open, and Genos, with a mix of timidness, anxiety, and playfulness, holds it out to him. Saitama's hands shake so much, Genos worried for him but pressed on. "But... I'd like to call your bluff."

One of Saitama's gloved thumbs presses against the box and gently pries it open.

Genos never gets the chances to actually take the damn thing out before he's being yanked into a kiss by his shirt collar.

#i have another version of this but #AAAAA #this is my favorite one #opm #one punch man #saitama #genos #saigenos #genosai #proposals #marriage proposal

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sukunaspinkyfinger · 7 months

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ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ꜰᴀᴅᴇ ᴀᴡᴀʏ - ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ɪɪ - ɢᴏᴊᴏ ᴏᴡᴇꜱ ᴍᴇ ᴍᴏɴᴇʏ!

ꜱᴏɴɢ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ: ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴀʟʟᴀᴅ ᴏꜰ ʙᴜᴄᴋ ʀᴀᴠᴇʀꜱ - ꜱᴀᴍᴜʀᴀɪ

ᴄᴏɴᴛᴀɪɴꜱ: ᴠɪᴏʟᴇɴᴄᴇ, ꜱᴡᴇᴀʀɪɴɢ, ᴍᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴꜱ ᴏꜰ ꜰɪʀᴇᴀʀᴍꜱ

Fresh raindrops fall on my flushed cheeks as I exit the car. I finally arrive at Shoko's clinic, though not without almost hitting somebody's grandmother.

My lips curl into a slightly surprised smile as I notice her wobbling in my direction alongside a pink-haired kid and her trusty walking cane.

「 IEIRI, SHOKO

Age: 32

Affiliation: Civilian

Bounty: The criminal record does not exist, or you do not have permission to view it. 」

"Hey, N." she greets me with an unamused gaze while offering a cigarette from her somewhat bloody case. "Want one?"

"Nah, thanks, I'll puke. What's that?" I curiously point at her walking cane. "New lungs? Again? What is it, like...the fifth one?"

"Yep, Kiroshi's new tech." Her body trembles from the sudden wave of coughs.

"Uh-huh, well, since it's Kiroshi hopefully they'll last you a couple of decades unlike the previous four. Who's your friend?"

"This is Yuji, he'll fill you in on the job." She hisses, then lets go of the boy's broad shoulders and switches to mine without asking. Shoko's always been somewhat frail despite her being tall, though my heart breaks a little thinking how easy it'd be even for me to pick her up and carry her around like a bag of feathers. "I'd love to chit-chat outside but my hip hurts."

I hold her as we walk down the clinic's stairs, afraid she might shatter once I let go. Has she been eating? Even though I've seen Shoko plenty of times after surgery, her ghost-like face and glassy gaze never fails to scare the shit out of me.

"So..." Shoko's weak voice echoes through her clinic as she puts up a fresh batch of coffee with a cigarette in her trembling hand. "Yuji is here on behalf of Sukuna, but you've probably guessed that already."

"Sup', choom." The boy sits down across me and nods as I thoroughly scan him.

「ITADORI, YUJI

Age: 17

Affiliation: The Unwanted

Bounty: 160 Eurodollars

Wanted for: vandalizing a corporate building」

Could've guessed he was underage the minute I laid eyes on him at the top of the clinic's stairway. Regardless of Yuji's babyface and shy gaze, he wears top-tier, expensive cyberware along with gorilla arms - preem work, probably from a preem ripperdoc. Definitely one of Sukuna's men.

"Riiight, choom. I'm all ears, tell me about the job."

Yuji hesitates for a second before putting his hands and iron on the table. The drastic change of demeanor and the desperate attempt to mask the panic in his voice tells me this gig must be personal on some levels.

"So, um, we need you to track down a person that went missing a week ago. One of Sukuna's pro netrunners, um..." He pauses mid-sentence to collect himself, then pulls out a shard from his pocket. "All the deets are on the shard, all you need to know...well, almost."

As I insert the shard in my neuroport on the back of my head, information starts flowing through my brain.

----Gig type: search and recover ----Priority: HIGH

----Item/Person to recover: KAMO, CHOSO - Age: 27 - Netrunner with an NCPD bounty of 2,400 Eurodollars

"Woow.." I mumble out loud as I open the attachment of a picture, which reveals the stoic face of a brown-eyed man with a lengthy tattoo on his porcelain face. Never seen or heard of him, but not much of a surprise, really, since netrunners never tend to operate in the spotlight.

"...Choso Kamo, one of Sukuna's netrunners, was supposed to encrypt a shard that contains top secret information about a shipment of high-grade Militech equipment that has ties to a warehouse at the docks in Little China, Watson district. However, all contact was lost on 16th May, exactly seven days ago. Choso's last known location is unknown, it is highly unlikely he went to investigate the warehouse on his own..."

"Mhm, netrunner boy probably stuck his nose where it didn't belong, unaware of the location tracking malware that temporarily sent him into a deep slumber, enough time for whoever set up the trap to get to him. I personally don't think Militech is behind this, but it would be a start if you'd tell me where you got the shard from."

As I pull out the shard, I turn to the mildly agitated Yuji who seems terribly unamused by my theory.

"Uh-uh, nah. M-my brother would never, he's smart enough, one of the smartest people I know!"

Ah, so that's where the wind blows from.

"Look, choomie, I get it. Trust m-"

"No, the fuck you don't!"

The boy suddenly jumps up from his seat, hyperventilating at this point. His gun viciously preys on my sweaty forehead, my ear starts to ring as my gaze wanders to Shoko, who's ready to put a bullet into the kid if she has to.

"Hey, kid, calm down. When I say I get it, I do." My gaze desperately looks for his as I try so hard not to piss myself on the spot, though I doubt he'd actually want to shoot me. "Even the best get outplayed sometimes, it's inevitable. Just calm down, tell us where you got the shard from so we can start searching for him."

Seconds pass, which seem like an eternity, but eventually, his iron drops to the floor followed by a cold sound of cling. Yuji defeatedly plops down on his chair, still sobbing.

"'m sorry, 'm sorry." He pleads with deep breaths. "I dunno what's gotten into me. Been trying to tell him something's not right, he didn't listen until finally he did. But it's been a week and he's all I got. It's all my fault!"

"A fucking week ago?! Jesus Christ..." Shoko shrieks, understandably. I have no desire to say it out loud, but if someone's been missing for over a week in Night City, - a someone who's a pro netrunner under a big-shot gang leader -, is most likely decomposing in a fridge or a dumpster, stripped of all their money, cyberware and perhaps organs. My gaze turns to Yuji, who looks like he's seen a ghost upon connecting the dots.

"Wow, thanks, Shoko. Big help!" I scoot over to him and give him an encouraging pat on his sweaty back. "Look, kid. Nothing's been set in stone yet, 'kay? We'll find your big bro."

Shoko apologetically serves him a glass of cold water, then sits down and lights another cigarette.

"U-um, thanks M-miss Shoko." The boy gulps down every last drop before he starts talking. "It happened two weeks ago, not long after Choso finally allowed me to join the gang, take on small gigs, and earn some eddies. I k-kept nagging him, wanted to impress Sukuna so bad, just didn't know how, y'know."

"Uh-huh, get to the point."

"R-right, long story short, I got the shard from a guy at a downtown bar. He seemed nice enough, so we drank a couple n he just gave it to me for free. Since I dunno shit about hacking, I gave it to Choso, thinking it'd go smooth."

Shoko begins to massage her forehead as she looks at me, clearly thinking the same thing as I do.

"Wow, your brother must love you a shitton if he decided to jack in a random asshole's shard just because you asked him to. Any idea who he might be?"

Yuji thinks hard, so hard that the sound of cogwheels in his brain almost echoes through the clinic's dusty walls.

"I didn't get his name but I remember that he was very tall, um, he smelled like an old lady from a soap opera...ah, he wore sunglasses inside the bar and...right, he had white hair, so he kinda looked like a rat."

Shoko's mug lands on the floor at the same time as my jaw once Yuji's description connects the dots in our brains.

"Could it be-?"

「GOJO, SATORU

Age: 31

Affiliation: Civilian

Bounty: 150 Eurodollars

Wanted for: disturbing the peace, public urination, public drinking, vandalizing a corporate vehicle, minor theft from a gas station, kidnapping, arson, assaulting a corporate rep.」

"Fucking hell, Shoko, call him! But don't tell him I'm here, cuz' that bastard owes me eddies, got it?"

"Yeah, yeah, already on it."

"W-wait, you know 'im? Just like that? Do you think he knows where my brother is? I-is he willing to help?"

Yuji jumps up, his hopeful expression is like a ray of sunshine that sends a wave of guilt down my stomach as I continue to ignore him due to my massive headache caused by the ten-plus shots of Amel earlier this evening. I grip my forehead in vain as I desperately try to keep it from exploding upon hearing the arrogant, annoying sound of Satoru's high-pitched voice.

"Heyyyyy, Shoko! 'm busy, ya know, but never too busy to talk to my fav' ripperdoc in Night City. So, what can I do for ya?"

My cold hands signal the boy to keep quiet as he gathers the sad remains of Shoko's favourite cup from the floor.

"Come down to the clinic as soon as possible, I need to talk to you in person. It's really important."

"Iughhh, do I really have to? Tsk, fine. I'll be there in 20."

"'Kay, see you soon." She finally hangs up, then turns her exhausted gaze to me. "Don't murder him."

some time later, 3:56

The late-night adrenaline and Shoko's kindly gifted, headache-reducing airhypo help me gather my mess of a self as I hide behind the door. Yuji and Shoko have already prepared a chair along with some surgical rope, then as a couple of minutes pass by, we finally hear the obnoxious sound of screeching tires of a Rayfield Caliburn.

I ready my fists, my gaze never leaves Shoko as I impatiently wait for her signal.

"Shoko?" Satoru calls out as the outline of his newest, high-fashion, faux leather shoes approach.

"Hey, I'm over here! D'you mind coming a bit closer? Ol' me just had surgery, hee-hee."

Satoru walks over, a pitiful pout decorating his face hidden behind his signature sunglasses, then pats Shoko on the head.

"Aww, Shoko, new lungs again? I told you I'd hook you up with a therapist friend of mine. You'd quit smoking in no t-"

"NOW!"

Yuji swiftly pulls out the chair, which creates an opening for me to make my move. I ready my fists once again and smack the unsuspecting man, who then falls to the ground, wailing. The boy grabs him and manages to tie his hands behind the chair.

Victory.

#jujutsu kaisen #anime #jjk x reader #jjk au #cyberpunk 2077 #cyberpunk edgerunners #choso kamo #yuji itadori #gojo satoru #choso x reader #alternate universe

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lumiidragon · 2 years

Note

Back again because I saw another post talking about theories, so...

I'd really love to hear ANY thoughts you have on Bewilderbeasts. They're hands down my favorite Tidal Class dragon, and I REALLY love seeing your artwork of Drei (They're a treasure and deserve nothing but the best). How do you think Drago procured his Alpha? Do you think it was the egg recovered at the end of RTTE or do you run with a different idea?

So buckle up because you have unlocked a thing.

So let me be clear with this: bewilderbeasts are my FAVORITE dragons. I know I draw pretty furies and stuff non-stop, but bewilderbeasts are so hecking cool and are my top favorite HTTYD species.

So lets start with the Drago thing and Drei (yes, I'm just calling him this instead of 'Drago's Bewilderbeast' because I like him having a name). If I am correct, I think the egg at the end of RTTE was supposed to be Valka's bewilderbeast. Now, from that point to HTTYD 2, I think is only 2-3 years. I personally don't believe this egg to be this bewilderbeast's egg because Valka talks and it's kinda been show than she's been doing the rescuing thing with this same nest for years and years if not the entire time she's been gone. Needless to say, not for only three years (time for the egg to hatch, grow, and secure an entire nest to that size? Nah.). So I really just don't think it's her bewilderbeast's egg. So for RP purpose in a private RP I do, it is indeed Drei's, but in terms of whatever headcanons other people has, I'll say it's up in the air. That, and my headcanon Drei is much younger than Valka's bewilderbeast anyway.

So let's now get to my general thoughts on bewielderbeasts as a whole. I love them. Oh I love them so much. I love how they look, how they move, how they sound, how they act, their lore, their alpha species status, everything! Seriously, what is there NOT to love about these big, lumbering dragons? That, and they have whiskers. WHISKERS! Like, I could cry. In my opinion, the biggest thing robbed from the HTTYD fandom is that we never get to see a hatchling of these beasts. I want to see a small, fat bewilderbeast hatchling.

Also, bewilderbeast are the true alphas, hands down. Now I don't want to turn this into my usual throwing shade at THW, but Toothless was the most worthless alpha and couldn't hold a smoldering ember to the capability that a bewilderbeast has as alpha (that's why I'll never recognize Toothless as the "King of All Dragons".) I mean, Valka's bewilderbeast literally built a sanctuary for rescued dragons with his own ice, he personally fed them and even was able to work with seashockers effortlessly, dragons that are so, so tiny compared to him, he's SO gentle with baby dragons as he just gently blew on the baby scuttleclaws to make them get off of his face, and he's even gentle with humans and has such an affectionate way to show when he likes someone (blowing a bit of ice on Hiccup). This is an alpha that's intelligent, gentle, caring, and literally laid his life down for his flock in a desperate attempt to save them. (Toothless literally laid down this same flock to save his 3-day-old relationship with his new sparkly girlfriend...) BUT that's enough of that.

So TL;DR: I love bewilderbeasts with my heart and soul and I think everyone should at least appreciate the whiskers.

#how to train your dragon #httyd #bewilderbeasts #thw salt #//adding some salt tags because this post is slightly seasoned//

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vibesaresimplyatrocious · 2 years

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Dude your tags on that writing post are making me go wild because oh my gosh your fic does read like someone committing to the bit!! Like in the nicest possible way it does read like improv every plot point feels like a “yes and” moment and it’s AMAZING (also it’s great to know that the character assassination of Johnny Storm was not premeditated lmao)

oh yeah pretty much everything in it is just a "yes and" moment where I did something earlier and I decide to play off of it more. Like, especially in chewing coffee.

i decided to commit to chewing coffee because I had like. one specific scene with the avengers i wanted to write, and i needed a way to fucking get there. So i decided I'd just start with dealing with the narrative consequences of the last fic and I would get to the avengers when I figured out how to get peter's character emotionally to the place he needed to be for that bit. it's been three hundred pages, by the way. and we still have some decent ground to cover.

I like talking about writing and stories, so there's a huge fuckign data dump below the cut about how the improv developed and the johnny storm thing. don't feel obligated to read it, it's a lot.

One of my big pet peeves in stuff that has romance, especially when there's a "woman" character (since the omegaverse basically just always has a guy taking the "female" role in the relationship) is when that character's like. entire life becomes their love interest. Like nah. They have to have other shit going on. you gotta let them do their own things. having feelings for this person doesn't mean you don't have other shit in your life.

My other big pet peeve is when people do things for drama and then don't follow through with the logical consequences of that.

Which is one of the reasons why Matt's the love interest and has hardly been in the fic. peter's got his own shit going on. The biggest consequence of hand-spun silk wasn't them getting feelings for each other--that's manageable, even if they're going to be huge fucking dumbasses about it. It was the bridge. at the time, I decided i needed a big climax action scene thing to sort of make a transition moment in the narrative that would push matt and peter to commit fully to what they were doing. but the logical consequence of that is "wow the public got a HUGE FUCKING CLUE as to who this mystery omega is."

of course, i was never going to write chewing coffee, so i thought i was never going to deal with it. then, i wrote chewing coffee. so i had to deal with it.

so Peter's got bigger shit going on, and he's got a very full life outside of matt. Matt stilll adds to his life! even if they both have a huge amount of trouble realizing it, they both really love being with each other. They're both some of the most important people in each other's lives. But they still get to lead their own lives, which i find much healthier and does way better justice to Peter's character. Like, he is his own main character, and so is matt. Both of them are superheroes in their own right, and while they are huge allies, neither of them is less capable or some kind of damsel. neither of them is teh traditional hollywood love interest screaming for the hero to save them. So peter does not need his narrative chained to getting a boyfriend. he can get a boyfriend and stop a bomber.

and like. i want to be clear, i'm not shitting on romance as a genre. finding love can be the number one driving factor! that's okay! great even! especially if you don't want to have to devote a bunch of narrative space to a bunch of subplots. the pet peeve specifically arises when people set up a bunch of other stuff to make it more exciting, like some kind of villain or enemy, and either make it secondary to the love plot when the fucking murder attempt is objectively way more pressing, or when they make it into an excuse to damsel the "female" character for the love interest. Like, i'm sorry, peter can lift multiple fucking tons and you think the physically normal man is the one who does the rescuing? Peter is not a damsel. he has never been a damsel. like he looks like a twink but he is one of the most powerful heroes in comics and way too many people decide to damsel him just so whoever's playing his love interest can be a hero. In general, i don't like the entire trope of "love interest as damsel." Like. take MJ for example. She's been dangled off so many fucking bridges. but she's been in peter's life for forever. she's tough as nails and deserves having her own narrative and character independence outside of being someone you can dangle off a bridge.

I dunno, it's a balance that has to be struck for me, i'm not saying it's bad if love interests help each other. Like, Matt does help peter! Peter needed help that Matt specialized in (law), and Matt was able to help him! there's nothing wrong with needing help and matt and peter can and do pull each other's asses out of fires. but peter still gets to be strong and independent and capable and matt doesn't need to hold his hand through every fucking plot point, jesus christ. I think some of the best romances are ones where people are just looking at their partner being extremely badass and applauding. it just icks me out when one person is made less capable just so the other person can be a big fucking hero. so that's the number one thing i had in mind while improv'ing matt and peter's relationship.

I do plan on making matt more present in the plot, for the record! once i started getting a sense for what i was doing, i started realizing some things i wanted to have in there needed build up or they'd be coming out of left field, so we have a lot of narrative threads just set up that i'll be tying together soon.

The other reason why Matt hasn't been as present and will start being more present is because my biggest rule of writing is that I can never sacrifice character for plot. i've trashed and redone entire projects before because i decided that i hadn't brought the characters to the right point to make the decisions they were making for the sake of plot, so the plot had to go in order to make the characters right. it's more of a general vibe? the biggest guiding factor during all of this is whether I've gotten them to a point where I can understand why they're able to make the decisions they're making.

And there was no fucking way that Peter would ever get with Matt after hand-spun silk.

Part of this is because I very firmly believe that just sex cannot be a basis for a relationship, especially in the context of ABO. Like, if it's just that they spent a rut together? Nah. Losing control of your body and having hormone-fueled sex is not grounds for a relationship. if anything, it's the grounds for intensive therapy, not a relationship. Like, what do you like about their personality? how do you feel about their communication style? what if you hate the way they chew? Peter's never going to look at someone he just had a bunch of sex with and think "wow, we should be in love." Sex is great, fantastic, having good physical chemistry can be really valuable, but it's not the sole basis of love. He spent his entire life being objectified, and he's also someone who's in a very healthy long-term relationship where they had to work fucking hard to stay with each other.

MJ and Peter's love story was something that sort of strung itself together in the background and it became something I really, truly loved. Like, originally, I was trying to figure out how to just make Peter mentally good with offering to do this for a bro, and I decided he couldn't be in a relationship. He'd have to necessarily talk it through with someone else to clear it, and matt would have called the entire thing off the second it started causing more inconvenience than was already obvious, so that would derail it entirely. But I didn't want to do that thing where the preexisting female love interest is a huge bitch or inexplicably missing or whatever just to make way for a ship, so i decided that she was still a huge part of his life and decided to add in a gag where they called it on and off again like they were playing a game of hot potato. Inadvertently, that gave them an epic fucking love story of people who had to wake up every single day and make the conscious choice to love each other.

it's hard to show, because it's all stuff that happened in the past, but it's inherent in their everything. it's one of the reasons why they have such good communication--it was figure it out or destroy each other, and they figured it out. Inherently, Peter and MJ are extremely traumatized people subjected to structural violence and generational abuse. they spend every single day of their lives under extreme stress, from poverty and violence and inequality and fighting crime. their early relationship would have been a mess. they had to create ways to keep themselves from destroying each other. they had to spend a fucking decade meticulously laying boundaries and figuring out how the other worked best, and working fucking hard to respect and fulfill each other.

Like, most of it ended up written in their mannerisms. Like the scene where MJ's going off to get peter's camera--i fucking adored that scene, because Peter's arguing with her about how dangerous it is for her to go and how he doesn't want her to go while tying her shoes for her so she can go. That was extremely important for me because I felt it was the key to why their relationship ultimately worked. Because MJ would bitch slap anyone who tried to throw their weight around with her. She would never be with Peter if he was the kind of person who would think he could make that decision for her. Peter still gets a voice, he still gets to raise concerns, but he recognizes that it's her decision and he will enable her to make it. It's a huge act of respect and one of the fundamental building blocks of the way I made MJ's relationship with Peter was that they mutually respected each other.

The other thing I wanted was to make them deeply messy fucking people. That's why MJ's so crude in this--it's a choice, and a big source of trauma. She grew up in hyper traditionalism. I grew up in hypertraditionalism, and you aren't supposed to know what a dick joke is. You aren't supposed to swear. you're supposed to be perfect and ladylike and daren't say a word if the men say something unseemly and you shan't repeat such dastardly things.

Anyway, I have a mouth like a sailor and wrote a porn fic to see if i could. purity culture doesn't work.

So MJ grew up where she was just boxed in to only appear as perfect and ladylike as possible, so she went the opposite direction and became as crude as possible. she likes pushing people's buttons. she will make comments about your ass. And that's deeply inappropriate behavior at times. With peter and ned? They're used to it. They've consented to it. It's part of why they love her, actually. But slapping matt's ass? he didn't give her the green light to touch him like that, and she definitely wouldn't have done it if she hadn't been drunk. In the end, he didn't care, so no ultimately harm done, but there could have been harm done and she doesn't exactly get credit for lucking out. it doesn't mean that she's a bad person, it's just that she's not a perfect person and she does dumb fucking shit at times--which, everyone does. She's extremely messy, oversteps boundaries, and it's a direct product of trauma. Peter ain't exactly perfect either. he's borderline suicidially reckless and has trouble ever letting people into his decision-making process. He'll risk himself eleven days out of ten before giving an inch, which was one of the reasons he's nearly fucking killed himself with his heats.

So it ended with these extremely messy, imperfect people who had to try again and again to keep loving each other. So many romances, especially in the superhero genre, stem from some kind of inexplicable chemistry instead of conscious choice. MJ and Peter could have burnt out and stopped loving each other. They worked hard not to. That's important.

So Peter became this character that had an extremely hard won love that would have been invalidated every single day by people who thought biological chemistry was superior to a decade of fighting to be together. like, the omegaverse? It's fucking weird about biological predeterminism in general. one of the premises that i set for myself when i decided to do this was that i had to keep everything from the omegaverse but if it was something that was fucking stupid, i would make it a part of the stupid things that people believe or just a part of the absolute most extreme moments like heats and ruts.

like, for example, guys in my family would always say "men drink because they like it, women drink because they don't like something else." that's the stupidest fucking thing i've ever heard. do they think gender affects your fucking taste buds? also, have they ever thought for even half a second about the sheer number of men who are alcoholics and drink specifically as a coping mechanism? Women have better tasting drinks than men because someone randomly decided that beer was for men and fruity cocktails were for women, despite the fact that cocktails taste better and have stronger booze. it's the stupidest goddamn thing i've ever heard. but the world is full of dumb shit about biological predeterminism just like your fucking drink preference. So everything i hated in the ABO world just became that kind of thing.

So that thing in the ABO world? The thing where people just smell good and that means you're fated because you both smell really good to each other and, you know, you can base an entire relationship off smell? or the thing where you find someone of the opposite secondary gender and immediately they're the perfect alpha/omega for you and you're ready to do everything with them immediately upon meeting? That's present in this world. It's a dumb thing people tell Peter when trying to convince him and MJ that they'll never be happy with each other, and that some dumb fucking frat bro alpha can do more for them with goddamn body odor than a decade of dedicated love.

So Peter was never going to be able to get with Matt after hand-spun silk. Absolutely not. He's way too traumatized for that. If anyone suddenly developed feelings for him after years of platonic friendship when the most notable thing that changed was that they fucked due to a biological demand? He would never, in a million years, believe that they could have fallen for him because of his personality. He'd think it was just them deciding he made a good omega for them in bed and he'd leave deeply fucking hurt. Even if he realized he developed feelings for matt in the aftermath, he'd never trust any feelings matt developed to be real. Peter was in his right mind. matt wasn't. It would eternally fall into the same trap of "I was just play acting at being his obedient omega and that's what he was into."

Like, Matt too, for the record, just for different reasons. matt would have never gotten with Peter after hand-spun silk becuase he has a guilt complex the size of jupiter and he'd never in a million years make a move on peter after the guy just nuked his own life to save matt from dumbassery his twenty-something self willingly committed. No. He's going to crush everything down deep inside and then one day he'll die. And, honestly, I do think that would have been the right decision had Peter not liked him back.

One of the core distinctions i made between Peter and Matt's character is that Peter is really good at dealing with his emotions in a healthy way but is absolute shit at recognizing them. Matt's dumb as a fucking post about dealing with his emotions but tormented by his own awareness of them. So Peter's big problem is that he will be fully into someone and shuffle that away as something that's obviously not his own emotions, pshhhh. Matt, meanwhile, woke up after his rut, realized he had developed feelings fucking immediately, and then had a panic attack in the bathroom.

I'd like to go on record that neither of them developed feelings for each other because they fucked. it's because they, necessarily, had to be more intimate with each other than they would have ever been with like, their regular bro, and it made them realize that this person who'd they'd already die for is someone they'd really like to live for too. They had to go to bat for each other. Peter destroyed his own life to help matt. More than once, Matt fought through his hormones to try and give Peter an out because he'd rather he be hurt than Peter be hurt.

And, it's also the little shit. They talked a lot about things that they never would have talked about otherwise and realized how deeply they related to each other. they did a lot of little acts of intimacy, like when peter would scratch the base of Matt's neck because he liked it or when Matt would deny his impulses to help peter through anything. Neither of them really had to do that for the rut. They did it purely just as acts of caring, and those were the bits of each other that they got feelings for.

And those nice feelings would almost absolutely be crushed down forever in the aftermath of a rut. you'd have to drag them kicking and screaming to emotional realization. there's a lot of fucking work to put in before they can get past their own issues and realize that it's okay to give each other a shot.

I have a LOT of thoughts about the Johnny Storm debacle. It's going below, so if you're interested, read on. Some of it is what's outside of Peter's perspective and therefore not featured in hand-spun silk or chewing coffee. I doubt it will be able to make it into the fic, just because there's a lot that gets missed when you limit it to one character's perspective. There's still a chance it may come up, so there's a risk of spoilers.

The Johnny Storm thing is something that i think is a lot more nuanced than i was able to show. Part of it is that i made it up totally on the fly so it was very sloppy execution. Like, if you go back and read the Johnny parts of hand-spun silk? i shift the goal posts a LOT because i was still developing Peter's own character and figuring out how he would respond to all this. The other part of it is because this is totally from Peter's perspective, and so we have kind of a coke-bottle lens view of it.

See, the thing about the Johnny Storm thing is that i think it could have been a relatively minor speed bump in their relationship, and then circumstances, a few very poor choices, and plain bad luck blew it up into something major. I also think that Johnny Storm and Peter Parker would be great together, but that they could never work in an omegaverse specifically.

in the comics, i think they're fucking great together and make a fantastic ship. In the ABO world specifically, i think that Johnny would be ass over tea kettle in love with Peter, and Johnny would at best be a ship in the night for Peter.

Because the thing is, from Johnny's perspective, he was legitimately in love with Peter and did not ever want to hurt him.

I want to be clear, I'm not excusing the dumb shit he did. I have explanations for it, they're discussed below, but they're not excuses. He has to bear the blame all the same, but I think that it adds a little more nuance and makes it a little more tragic.

He was legitimately in love with Peter and it wasn't because of the rut in the same way Matt didn't get feelings for Peter because of the rut. Like, nothing about why Johnny fell for him had to do with the bits where Peter had to put on a show of being the perfect omega for him. Johnny actually really, truly loved him way better when he wasn't play-acting at being the perfect omega for him--which is why, at one point, Peter mentions that Johnny always made dumb fucking jokes during the rut and it would always snap him out of pretend and he'd instantly threaten to kick johnny's ass. Johnny really liked Peter's like, actual personality. He figured out early in their friendship that dumb fucking jokes always got a rise out of Peter, so he memorized them ahead of time and brought them up whenever he had enough sense to so he could get back to how Peter is normally, because that's the Peter he loved.

(which was another distinction I tried to draw between Matt and Johnny, incidentally. I decided to give Matt an identical moment in the rut where he was aware enough to realize that Peter was playing things up to cater to his hormones and try to get back to Peter's actual personality, which is the one that he actually had feelings for. However, Matt said directly to him that he was aware that he was putting on a show and let Peter consciously drop out of the headspace he had put himself into in favor of his genuine personality, whereas Johnny sort of tried to draw him out. Neither had any ill intentions behind it, but Matt's more consciously communicated with Peter.)

The thing about Peter is that he is the first partner Johnny ever had that treated him with the love and respect you'd give an actual partner, and they weren't even actually dating.

This entire thing has been a big mash up of the comics and the movies and the only rule is that I steal whatever i find funny. Like, Peter? I know most people think he's tom holland peter because of MJ and Ned, but his basis is actually comics Peter for me. Ned and MJ (and the Toomes plane crash) were the funniest fucking things from Homecoming for me, so I kept it. He has the key to the city like Tobey!Peter (because how the fuck do you explain having that, that's the most useless piece of decor over a guest can never see it) and a lot of the lines and personality i get from Andrew!Peter and most of the backstory and attitude is comics peter. Like, imagine whatever fucking Peter you want, I don't give a shit, I want everyone to have their own experiences with this fic, but all of the characters are really just a frankenstein, and Johnny is no exception.

Like the comics, he became a superhero when he was still a teenager, is the thing. He's been in the spotlight forever. Celebrity culture is fucking toxic as hell and he sort of was drowned in it young. Like, the thing in the movies, where he's dating an eternally changing supermodel who goes on live TV and announces that the most important thing about dating the human torch is fireproof lingerie? weird straight people celebrity bullshit. why would you ever fucking say that outloud to millions of people jesus christ. and it's all this johnny has ever really known, relationship-wise.

Like, it's give and take. He's not exactly a passive participant or victim or whatever. He likes having sex and has a lot of it (and there's nothing wrong with that). He fully wanted Peter Parker to be a notch on his belt and nothing more when they first met, and his expectation was that Peter Parker would be another person who wanted to happily fuck a celebrity--and then would probably post on Twitter a full review of how he was in bed, without ever asking Johnny and with Johnny never consenting to it.

So Johnny made the stupid fucking decision to roll up to Peter in a sports car to ask him if he could take Peter for a ride, and Peter immediately fucking laughed in his face, asked him if he thought dick size correlated with how stupid your car was, then proceeded to call MJ in front of him and heckle about it for seven minutes straight before walking off to catch the subway. this peter believes in eating the rich and was deeply unimpressed.

Like. johnny benefits from his public image, dont get me wrong. He gets a lot of hook ups because of his image and certainly isn't upset by this fact. But the standard that was set when he was very young and dating for the first time and getting his heart broken for the first time was that his body was public narrative and he was being used for his name and the publicity attached to it. he got fucked up by it. It was a long string of toxic relationships that usually ended up on the front page of a lot of tabloids--and that's how it always was and that's all he ever expected. his nudes get leaked without his consent and everyone acts like it's a completely okay thing on the person's part, and he should have known better and is at fault. his exes sell interviews. he gets photographed on his walk of shame and the person he hooked up with goes on ellen to reveal that he does perform oral. and i'm not going to say he was comfortable with any of that, he wasn't, he hated it, but he wasn't looking to change the status quo--partially because he didn't fully believe that the status quo would change, partially because he was having fun with hookups and wasn't looking to settle down (which, again--as long as both people go in knowing that's all it is, is not a bad thing). He'd always be johnny storm. There'd always be a price tag attached to intimate parts of his life, and a lot of fucking people would be more than happy to cash in.

Peter would rather rip out his own appendix than be publicly known as the person who risked getting set on fire to climb on Johnny Storm's dick, however.

So, for the first time, Johnny found himself in a relationship where the person was genuinely only in it for him. Peter didn't want the novelty of fucking a celebrity. He didn't want to go on a talkshow or go viral because he leaked a picture of johnny's dick. He rather violently and aggressively cared about Johnny and Johnny alone, actually. It was sort of Johnny's first experience ever, after years of dating in the public eye, where he was in a relationship where no one was looking to exploit him. The other thing was that they did this for a long time. This was a month they spent together, most of which didn't involve Peter having to play pretend because that wasn't necessary until right before the rut.

And from Peter's perspective, they did the same shit they always did, just with sex, so there wasn't any change. From Johnny's perspective, he got to spend a month in constant contact with someone who genuinely cared about him, was hilarious and ridiculous and one of the best fucking people he had ever met. Like, he loved that Peter brewed coffee with red bull. He thought it was ludicrous. He was in love with how ridiculous Peter was. So he found himself wanting to keep with it afterwards. he wanted his relationship to be with someone who genuinely cared about him and treated him with respect the way no one else had.

The problem was they were never in a fucking relationship in the first place, which was a slight wrench in the works.

There are three reasons why it blew up as bad as it did/why they would never work, and that's 1) outside forces, 2) privilege, and 3) just plain dumb immature love.

Outside forces:

This is the absolute biggest thing that I think sank them, and it's kind of sad in the sense that it was legitimately outside of Johnny's control. The media is the biggest one. If they got together, eventually, the news would get out. It would be chaos. Like. Johnny's an A-Lister, and a fucking superhero A-Lister. In the public eye, Peter's a total nobody. It would be rabid. It'd be like if every wattpad fanfic about one direction falling in love with some random girl from fucking iowa or whatever the trope is came true.

I could write an essay on how biological predeterminism and natural law resulted in like 97% percent of modern issues and inequality, but this is already too long for anyone to read. but the omegaverse would undoubtedly be 1000x worse about it, holy fucking hell. which means the way we treat women in our world? even worse in the omegaverse.

The public narrative fully thinks that he's a slut who will fuck any cape that looks at him twice. He's been considered a slut since before he even agreed to fuck Johnny. It was a given, and Peter knew that going into it. Like, no one had any illusions that the human torch was going to find a nice omega for his rut and settle down in holy matrimony before they so much as graze each other's hands god bless amen praise the lord jesus christ. The expectation is that whoever would be sharing the rut would just be doing it casually. that's PEAK slut behavior. Peter's a public whore from the start, and while it always bothered him, he didn't care about that nearly as much when there wasn't any chance people could find him or his loved ones.

If he actually ended up with Johnny? Nightmare situation. Jesus Christ, he'd never know peace. People would hate him and be jealous of him and psychoanalyze everything he ever did. he's queer. He's in love with MJ, a fellow omega. he drinks red bull with coffee and is a fucking mess. he wants zero children. Johnny's an alpha, and a superhero to boot. People would eternally expect him to be the perfect omega and it would not fucking work out.

And that's something that can be overcome, don't get me wrong. The important people in the relationship are teh ones actually in it. But it's a huge stressor factor, and It's one I don't think they could have overcome for other reasons.

The other big outside stressor is the Fantastic Four.

Full cop, I don't like Reed Richards. I think he's a dick. He is the only one i directly was trying to character assassinate. for the record? they were fully in the wrong for everything they did. But I think most of the shit they pulled arose from assumptions that would have been extremely likely had it been anyone other than Peter.

because from their perspective, they're trying to protect Johnny from what's already been the biggest violation of his life.

his private health information got leaked by people they hired, and it became a talk show matter. johnny was visibly tormented by it. they felt like shit and knew it was only going to get worse. he was going to live with whoever did this talking about his dick for a solid year after. it was going to be brutal if he ended up hurting whoever he fucked. they were in damage control mode. legally, NDAs around sex cannot be enforced (a lot of celebrities try to have them--it's just a scare tactic. not a court in the US would ever enforce one. it's legitmately impossible to make them binding, but i won't get into why). so whatever happens, it's almost definitely going to make the news.

Then, in strolls baby brother, having announced that he found an omega all on his own.

and it's a fucking reporter from the superhero slander newspaper. They were fully convinced that not only was peter doing this for fame, but this was basically a work assignment for him.

All of Peter's butting heads with them was him setting very healthy and necessary boundaries. From their perspective, it looked like he was trying to increase his bottom line.

He was forgoing all health precautions--because he refused to fuck their brother in a monitored room on videotape with eight medical professionals watching at all times and the EMTs and the fucking fire department in the next room listening to him get it on. he's got superhealing and a precognition for danger that let's him know when johnny's getting too riled up and he needs to calm him down or dodge a dick fire. From his perspective, danger is minimal and he isn't making a fucking sex tape or putting on a week-long peepshow for a bunch of total strangers.

The F4 saw a totally normal unenhanced human willing to get third degree burns inside of him if it meant that he'd get a bigger payout when he appeared on oprah.

Same thing with pregnancy. Peter demand a certain level of dignity from the proceedings. He was going out of his way and fucking a friend, their baby brother, exclusively for said friend's benefit. He gets the fucking dignity of not being treated like a cheap whore who needs to be monitored to make sure he's not going to baby trap someone he'd never be able to get otherwise. He was not going to let the Four watch him take the contraceptives or the pregnancy tests of his own free will, because that's fucking humiliating.

For the F4? Great, not only is Peter going to leak this all afterwards and break Johnny's heart, he's definitely going to be an eternal source of emotional devastation because he's looking to get a fucking child out of this that Johnny will forever be tied to.

And the problem was that it was all based on the assumption that Peter was doing this out of self-interest. And they don't get a pass for treating someone fucking terrible just because they thought he was going to hurt their baby brother down the line. But without the context that Peter was spider-man and a good person, it was the plainest thing in the world that he'd be leaking all of this. So the F4 became a huge source of stress and bad feelings that constantly hung over anything Johnny and Peter could have had.

Privilege

This is another thing where Johnny wasn't consciously trying to do something bad, but it is something that sort of made everything worse. Johnny's rich. A celebrity. Male. An alpha. White. He's about as privileged as you can possibly get.

And I think that it's important to note that that's not a source of fault, but it is a thing that you have to be aware of. And I didn't think Johnny would be aware of his privilege throughout this and it would make everything worse, simply because his privilege never really came into play with Peter.

Peter could not care less about whether or not Johnny was rich, or white, or an alpha. In fact, that's more likely to be an active deterrent than anything else. So Johnny walked in with the mindset of "this is someone who just cares about me for me. he doesn't care that i'm famous or rich or whatever. we just care about each other's actual selves." And that's true!

Doesn't take into account every fucking other person on the planet, though.

A lot of Johnny's fuck ups were directly sourced in the fact that he didn't consider his privilege. He sort of took this on with the mindset of the media being a storm they'd have to eventually weather together, if they did end up together. And he's used to that. He's been eternally in the public eye for years. It's hell, but it's something you can get through together. but he didn't consider that that storm would be extremely different for someone who had money, resources, clout, who wasn't an alpha, and also who wasn't at times in a publicly queer and interracial relationship.

The media storm for Johnny is horrible and invasive. For Peter, it's "hey, haha, is Someone Going To Kill My Entire Family." Johnny didn't even think about showing up on Peter's doorstep with roses, because he's never even goddamn had to pay rent before. it didn't even occur to him that this may make people come to try and kill Peter and his family (Peter's fucking Spider-Man--he's the last person in the world to worry about handling some random fangirl) and it didn't occur to him that it may put Peter in the very difficult position of not being able to afford to move. Johnny's already been to Peter's apartment before. So he didn't even think about how showing up with roses would end with months of serious agonizing stress for Peter.

And it's not an excuse, but it is an explanation and it is something that he has to learn from. Like, there's a lot of fuck ups i've unthinkingly done because i didn't even know it would be a fuck up. i've been privileged in ways I wasn't aware of and ended up with egg on my face. In Johnny's case, that wasn't a minor fuck up you learn from and move on from, it spiraled into something bigger than it otherwise might have been.

Immature dumb love

The last factor in why this went the way it did was simply because this was very much this Johnny's first real time being in love and he was sort of fucking stupid about it.

Like, Peter's lightyears ahead of Johnny when it comes to "being in love" maturity because he has intensive experience. He and MJ had to fight for their fucking lives figuring out how to navigate a relationship. Johnny's never once been in a real one that didn't come with the expectation of "hey so we're gonna fuck around for a while and in the end you're inevitably going to leak my dick pics and tell everyone that i'm good with my tongue and get a spot on a night show from it, and I'm going to feel embarrassed every time i leave my home for a while." Johnny's like. Early twenties. People in their early twenties have a vast fucking range of things they're really mature in and things they're total fucking dumbasses in. i'm 23 and i've got things i'm lightyears ahead of my peers in and things i'm like a toddler in. He's young and fucking stupid about some things, and in this case? He fell in love for the first time and blue screened completely.

he got butterflies and set himself on fucking fire on live TV at the mention of his crush, inadvertently starting a media frenzy. You could see his crush from fucking space. he had no idea how to handle doing this like an adult, because every other relationship started with making a pass and immediately hooking up. He tried that with Peter and Peter asked him if he thought dick size correlated with how stupid his car was he has no backup plan. So he just started choking on his own dumb feelings.

For the record? His intent was never to make Peter feel like he was less capable. He knows Peter is capable. But he got within twenty fucking feet of peter and ended up choking on his own panic and emotions like a school kid with a crush. So he just ended up hanging around his crush and fumbling around him and checking in with him way too often and being extremely conscious of how sweaty his palms are or how many times he asked Peter how he was doing in the span of one conversation, fuck that was too many this got weird.

But we don't see Johnny's internal reasoning. We see his actions through Peter. Who has spent his entire life being pushed down and treated like he's some helpless damsel when he's the most competent person in any room he's in. So everything gets filtered through a narrator who's not entirely reliable, and intentions get read in that aren't exactly there.

Johnny's plan when confessing his feelings was to try and handle it like an adult. He dressed up and got roses, because that's what Sue told him you do when you're trying to make a big romantic gesture. He was going to confess his feelings as best he could and respect Peter's decision no matter what.

.... And then he walked right into the knowledge that Peter was in that very moment fucking another alpha and got brutally kneecapped by his own disappointment. His entire plan got put on the off-step.

When Peter let him down, what was going through his head was that he was extremely disappointed and didn't want to put that on peter, so he wanted to give them space so Johnny could get over him and not impose his feelings on Peter unfairly. What came out was "let's not be friends for a while," which isn't actually what he meant but people don't say exactly what they mean in the moment a lot. He realized that after the fact, got panicked that he might have fucked up the best friendship he ever had, and then fucked up even worse by trying to fix it in the moment instead of respecting the words Peter was actively telling him. And that's still his fuck up, and he still needed to respect boundaries. But the reasoning wasn't "I don't see you as someone worthy of respect," it was "i'm in a panic spiral and making poor decisions."

The worst, most egregious thing Johnny did, and in my opinion the one that's the absolute hardest to forgive, was when he started a public fight with matt on the bridge where he directly talked about peter's fucking sex life in front of people.

Like holy fucking hell, that one there's no real valid explanation for. Like, i included it because comic book characters, especially Johnny Storm, are very impulsive and hotheaded and a lot of people do fucking stupid things in the heat of a bad moment. It was an act of total immaturity, jealousy, and the culmination of a lot of disappointment and bad feelings that resulted in him saying a lot of really fucking dumb things that he regretted immediately after he said them and has been absolutely torturing himself over ever since. And, once again, his regret doesn't excuse his actions, and it's up to peter as to whether he'll ever get forgiveness.

I think the entire Johnny Storm thing, under different circumstances, could have been minor. Johnny could have confessed his feelings, Peter could have turned him down. Johnny could have swallowed his disappointment and they would have moved on. But a lot of outside stressors, bad timing, and people being their worst selves resulted in Johnny fucking up with way worse effects than otherwise it could have been. His decisions are on him, don't get me wrong, but I think sometimes just plain bad luck can also lead us to being worse versions of ourselves. I will say that a lot of the harm he caused was unintentional, and he is actively in deep regret over it--and not because he lost out on a romantic partner, for the record. He regrets hurting the best friend he ever had, hurting someone who helped him at dear cost to himself, and potentially losing him forever.

#chewing coffee #this is very long due to who i am as a person #i wrote an extreme slow burn after having them fuck for eight chapters straight like i'm just long winded #i answer comments on the fic like this too it's ridiculous #why am i like this

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minimoefoe · 2 years

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Thirteen Era Rewatch: Arachnids in the UK

I'm re-watching Thirteen's era in lead up to the Centenary and since this is likely going to be my last full re-watch for a while I thought I'd do a post on each ep where I just go over all the things I love, hate or just have some general thoughts on.

The title of this ep annoys me I can’t lie

Find it funny that it’s been ~15 trips now and 13 is still like ‘I’m not used to the systems.’ I’m sure some ppl hate it but idk I feel like it’s not a big deal and is maybe just her still tryna hide the fact that they’re right, she doesn’t have much control over the TARDIS

Yaz’s dad and sister’s excitement and surprise at Yaz bringing home friends is funny but also obviously tells us something about Yaz. She doesn’t have many friends. And since we know about the problems Yaz has had with bullying and her mental health, it’s probably even more of a big deal that she has some friends which explains some of their excitement.

I think I’ve seen ppl complain about how by this point in the series 13 should have herself figured but I like it tbh. For some ppl it takes longer to know who they are and considering the kind of Doctor 13 is, awkward, hides who she is, that sort of stuff, it doesn’t surprise me that it’s taken her a bit longer than previous incarnations to really know herself.

Love the Doctor’s face at the mention of a conspiracy

Sonya flirting with Ryan is funny but also cringe

Policeofficer, not policewoman !!

If my friend left me home with her parents after meeting them not even five minutes ago I would want to die ngl I’d be going with Yaz wherever she’s off to

I love Yaz and Sonya so much and it’s a crime we didn’t get to see more of them in this ep or future eps

Ryan and Thirteen are one of my fave duos in this era. They weren’t even doing/saying anything particularly interesting when they went off to that persons flat but I still just love it so much idek what it is. Just an interesting dynamic

Robertson being like, ‘What are you, 15?’ ….Yaz doesn’t look anywhere near 15 lmao

Ryan in the background. I love him !!

13 awkwardly hugging Najia and saying she made an awesome human is just very cute to me. Also interesting that 13 went for a hug. Maybe that was her trying them out and realising that maybe they aren’t for her

Yaz being the one who basically sprints after the Doctor when she’s going to check out what happened to Kevin in the bathroom while everyone else doesn’t even attempt to join

The look on 13’s face when they say she’s in charge

Najia being excited at the idea of Yaz dating Ryan but concerned at the idea of her dating 13. Makes sense. Most mums would probs rather their teenage daughter date another teenager and not a woman who’s seemingly in her mid 30s and has the Vibe the Doctor has

Also Yaz’s reaction to the questions are interesting imo. With 13, Yaz’s reaction is like she’s embarrassed her mum asked and with Ryan it’s like ew I’d never date him. And obviously 13 seems confused and like Yaz, Ryan seems grossed out by it.

Ryan and Graham have some good moments in this ep with the letter. I like that this episode is more finally more Yaz focused though

Robertson really doesn’t do much for me tbh. I assume he is supposed to be like a Trump parody but I most don’t find him funny maybe spare for the kitchen scene, he’s just annoying. Also this moment doesn’t work for me at all. I get he’s supposed dramatic but nah

The Stormzy scene is fun, I like it a lot

I think the plan to just.. leave the spiders in that room to die is a bit rubbish. I get that killing them brutally like Robertson did isn’t ideal but I do think 13 should’ve recognised that killing them in a better way would have been better than just leaving them to starve. And I also thing the ending of the episode feels pretty abrupt like one minute Robertson is shooting a spider and the next we’re at Graham’s house. It felt like there should be more to it.

I wish we actually got to see or hear more about Yaz telling her mum about who the Doctor is. I don’t think it’s a big deal that we don’t but I would be interested in hearing how Yaz would explain her odd gang to her parents

The TARDIS doors opening for them is so cute

Graham giving the Doctor the smallest compliment whereas Ryan and Yaz give her bigger ones is interesting to me, kinda like the two teenagers are more impressed by 13 than the grown adult is. Or kinda like Graham is currently more into this bc of how it will help him get over Grace rather than bc he loves the Doctor and the travelling. Though that obviously chances as the show goes on bc in S12 it’s Ryan that wants to leave, not Graham.

I love that 13 is like, ‘Be sure’ bc in the past the Doctor has been like, ‘Do you wanna come?’ And then the companion has said yes and that been it, but 13 is really explaining to them how this could change them and I think that’s Interesting. Like she doesn’t want Bill 2.0 and she doesn’t want them to get into something they don’t fully understand.

In terms of the fam I feel like this is a pretty good episode for all of them? There’s more focus on Yaz which I like. We find out that it’s rare for her to have friends over, her family annoy her, she seemingly isn’t open with her Mum going by the reaction to her questions.

Ryan has the letter from his dad and we kind of see him warm to Graham a bit more in the sense they work together and Ryan expresses dislike that his dad used the term ‘proper family’.

And then Graham has some time alone where we see him dealing with Grace’s death probably properly for the first time which were pretty good moments imo.

The Doctor spends most of this episode kinda going back and forth between being her happy self and being slightly more serious and we only see her go off properly when Robertson shoots the spider but even that is toned down from what we’ve seen in previous eps where away from the fam. I also love that while she hides her full self from the fam, we know from the first scene that she doesn’t actually want to be alone which is interesting imo.

#doctor who #thirteenth doctor #yasmin khan #graham o'brien #ryan sinclair #dw meta #dwr txt

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 5 months

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AITA for not responding to a message about an ex-classmate's family member dying?

CW: The word suicide is mentioned, but no actual suicide occurs, is attempted, or at risk. I would not say it if it were not important, rest assured.

I feel horribly guilty for this, and if I am the asshole there's not really any way I can fix it, because it's been over ten years. I have no way to contact this person anymore, and I was only about ten when it happened. There is a lot of context about how she treated me required to get how this could happen in the first place.

There was this girl in my class who sometimes would join in with my bullies on being cruel to me, but sometimes was nice, it depended on how badly other people were pressuring her, and if she knew I'd find out she participated or not. I did not consider her my friend as she was only occasionally kind to me, but I went to her house once. She had invited me, and I'd only been invited to someone's house once before this, plus I had been told it was going to be a party with many people. I thought I could fade into the background, but no one else showed up (I heard rumors it was because they learned I was going, but I don't know if that's true or not.) It was a very nerve-wracking experience, and she later confessed to me that she knowingly served me food that had come in contact with something that could make me super sick without telling or warning me. (It did give me a stomach ache, but I was lucky and it wasn't too bad. It could've been a lot worse, and previous reactions had been.) I said I forgave her for that. She then confessed to playing a twisted game with the others on a day where I was out sick. In this game, they hid in the school bathroom with a flickering light. They pretended that bathroom was haunted by my ghost, and that I wasn't just out sick, I was dead- they even went so far as to pretend that they had bullied me into killing myself and that I was making the lights flicker because my ghost was going to hurt them, and take revenge on them. It was the most horrifying thing I think I've ever learned was said behind my back, especially when I never talked about self harm, suicide, or anything of that nature- they had made that all up for the sake of a game.

At that point, I never talked to her willingly again because I was just really tired of having her come into my space, insist we were friends, and then do something mean when I wasn't around. I'd get visibly tense when she was nearby, I would only nod or shake my head when she talked to me, just little things to remain civil and no shows of trust or affection.

Then, a couple of months after I'd left that school, she texts me for the second time ever, and first time in like a year, saying her older brother died. I was really stressed out that day, I don't remember by what, though. I just remember not knowing what to say, and deleting the entire app she contacted me on in a panic since I didn't hadn't used it for months anyways.

I feel like I led her on into thinking we were close by going to her house that once, and I know now I should've just bit down the stress and comforted her... but as soon as I made that choice in my panic, I couldn't fix it- there wasn't any way to undo it and I especially can't fix it now, so many years later. I guess posting this is more a confessional than anything. I sincerely hope all her friends were kind to her and comforted her and that my choice didn't affect her too badly.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #suicide cw

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butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway · 2 years

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I don't know if I have ADHD or autism. I kind of feel like I do cause man does a lot of stuff going on with my friend who has them resonate with me (part of why I wish she'd take me up on my offer for a free room at my place, just want to mitigate some of the struggles I've had for someone I like and relate to if I can)

Anyway... RSD really does feel like it fits a lot. Like it just kills me when I feel like I've made someone mad or annoyed someone... said the wrong thing... you know

Obviously I try not to let it show, cause it goes back to how if you break down into a mess every time someone brings something to you, it makes it hard for people to talk to you about anything, but it still hurts

And like... I try with my friend not to do stuff that would set off her RSD cause she 100% has it, like I just try to pick my words carefully no in a walking on eggshells kind of way, but like running it by myself and see how I'd take it. Actually just kind of do this for everyone when I can

Just kind of sucks cause... you know... she doesn't really return that for me... I don't know, she's a good friend but... I don't know

Wish I could read minds, not even to spy on people, but just cause no one ever communicates what they want even if I ask directly. Wish I could read minds just so I could take their needs into my plans instead of me just slowly working my way along but having 100 different next steps in the back of my head I could use if someone just asks for them to become the priority

Everything I do is for me. I get the house for me, I clean the house for me, everything I did benefits me and I made sure of that to avoid breeding resentment... but like I started with the room I think my friend would like, I got the checking set up on my account, I'm finally in a situation where things are kind of smooth

My friend goes from saying she's gonna have to buy a ticket and come up here to get away from her family to never hearing about it again... it's probably cause change is very overwhelming so the fact it was really on the table made her hesitate to do anything but... if she'd just talk to me I could work on doing things to accommodate and mitigate stuff that's bothering her

But like... you see how if I do have RSD, how like just getting hit with a brick wall by everyone at everyturn just has it kind of always running where it's just like "What did I do wrong? Why won't you tell me how to fix this? I just want some company, was I only better compared to a very sick and hard to deal with dog slowly dying, but not better than emotionally abusive parents?"

If I were more out of touch with reality I'd say "clearly the government is trying to isolate me to make me go crazy", but like... nah... these things just happen... sometimes by chance and personality you just wind up isolated

Eh... really didn't want to send another message today. Guess this is just like one of those "write a letter you won't send" exercises, but then I drop it in someone's anon

Glad it sounded like you had a pretty good day, hope the walk was a good time

...I'm just tired and wish I'd learn to keep my mouth shut

RSD is brutal, and it's really frustrating how easily it could be set off.

Back before either of us had the language for it, wifey and I used to struggle with our coping mechanisms set off each other's RSD to the point that we were both actively alienating each other so badly our marriage was unraveling. It hasn't been easy learning how to create compatibility where distress had made a home, and it certainly involved setting off each others RSD a lot more in our attempts to talk through it.

Recently, we had a couple of small spats where one or the other of us was having a bad day and acted hurtfully. The other snapped back or resorted to coping strategies that we both know aren't on the table if our marriage is to remain happy. And instead of spiraling deeper into hell from there, we sat together, in pain and hurting, and tried to hear each other rather than the RSD-filtered interpretations of what each was saying. It was hard. We cried a lot. But at the end, we had learned something new about what we each needed.

It was interesting to see how much our experience of RSD and conflict has changed with each other based on a decade of painful work. It was nice to feel closer at the end of tension rather than to feel the distance grow.

Wifey has started getting assessed for autism and I have started getting assessed for ADHD (ironic in that wifey has been throughly diagnosed ADHD and I thoroughly assessed as autistic, though final diagnosis is still pending the savings to pay for that stage of assessment). I think having language to express yourself and others who understand your mind matters a lot. Without it the world can feel very cold and alone.

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spidercookie18 · 8 months

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I'm having a crisis. And im going to talk about wanting to die.

Know first that no matter how scary this post may be, I've moved past seriously attempting to unalive. I promise I have a support group, and this is not anything like that.

It is 5 a.m. when I started writing this. I woke up crying, and now im worried I'm gonna be having an existential crisis for the next few days til I can get my head on straight.

I. Am.... turning 24 in less than 3 months. And I am freaking the fuck out about it. I woke up with my ears ringing in pain, my joints aching, and my stomach and head killing me. Yes, I did it to myself, but that's not the point.

I realized, now that I am going to be.... living past my 'expiration date', that I have to live inside this body. And to live inside this body is painful.

Now that my life plans don't stop at 24, I don't know what to do.

For the longest time, it was: who cares if - - - -, I'll be dead at 24.

And now, that's not the case.

Now, I have people in my life who love me, and that would not survive hearing I died. I've never had that before, and I've never had people to live for before. It's terrifying.

This is both the best and the worst feeling in the world... to know that I get to live for them and that I'm not allowed to die.

Now that my plans include growing old, which is such a WEIRD fucking thought for me. I mean fuck, I've tried to die and begged for death for so many years. I can still feel the pain of my kidneys shutting down, and now I take daily vitamins to stay 'healthy'????

FUCK

No one ever talks about how FUCKING ODD life is after ';'

They just tell you.... fuck, they don't tell you. People have always avoided talking about this. They just talk about how 'greateful they are to be alive' and all the bullshit about how great life is!

And it is, but it's also, it is terrifying. I go to work and talk and smile to people in passing glances. I have a regular, schmegular life, and in the back of my mind when having a conversation about something so insignificant like "do you like pineapple on your pizza?" While I'm thinking about how I thought about walking into traffic that morning.

YES I DO LIKE PINEAPPLE ON MY PIZZA, AND I CAN EAT WHAT THE FUCK EVER I WANT NOW BECAUSE ME AND MY BODY DESERVE GOOD THINGS!

...I'm looking at all the scars on my body and... idk man, I don't hate them anymore, but I wish I had been kinder to myself. When I think about making new ones I just have some water and a granola bar instead.

Such a stupid fucking internal dialog too 'hey you wanna do something bad to your body?' "Nah, lets have a snack instead" lmao

And 90% of the time, it actually works!

I love my support group, and I know I stress them out. I never thought I'd be the kind of person to say they were loved. I mean, my friends are flying into town for my "congrats on beating your record for consecutive days alive" birthday party 😂 and ik its gonna make a lot of people uncomfortable, but its not for them. I like living for me.

Anyways... Now that my plans include growing old, I have to take care of my body. And I'm so fucking excited to grow old that I can't even express it in words. I get to live and watch my friends live. I can have a family and make it as big as I want, fill it with all the love and kindness the world never showed me. I want that. And I am so excited to experience the days as they come. I'm ready to be the kindness for others that no one was for me.

I still think about it all the time. And sometimes, it's really hard to push those thoughts away. Some days, it still feels like I'm drowning. Some days, I think how easy it'd have been if the thoughts had won.

And other days, I get to smile at strangers, or have a yummy drink, or feel the warm Sun on my skin in the cool autumn breeze, or eat sushi, or gossip with someone that loves me. Hell, even getting to write the damn stupid vampire fanfics is a good day for living, lol.

I am so excited to help other people live, too...

But also, fuck. Now I have to take care of myself??? It's not just "dang, i got tenitus?" *shrugs in suicide*

GAH

But also, yay. Lol.

Life is so fucking weird man. But it's good to be alive. 🩷

#ari's ted talk

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medicinemane · 1 year

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...maybe one of these days, maybe right before I die I'll just be fucking mean and cruel myself, and just go over all the shit people say that's just so damn fucking hurtful

Cause you have a lot of nice people who want to be kind going around being callous and cruel all the time, and it would hurt them to see the damage they do, but maybe I'd do that as a little petty bit of revenge and then go hang myself so there's no damn recourse or way to make things right

Probably won't, probably just take that shit to my grave but... there's shit that should be obvious, like it doesn't take a mental master to figure out it's rude and cruel to say. You've got your reasons, but reasons don't remove the cruelty

Then there's other stuff where it's like... everyone has this lore about shit that they've heard and therefore know it's true, but I was fucking there, I was in it, I watched it go down, and you've been fed shit but gladly gobble it up cause you want a punching bag

I mean fuck, some of you (who I know don't follow me, but we talk some times) were straight up there too, and yet I see you revising history just because some people have developed a bit of a mean steak over how shit went down

Lotta people full of a lot of shit.. that's all I'm saying. Lotta people just want acceptable punching bags, people who they are justified in mocking

I've been there for a lot of shit. I keep to myself, so I was never directly involved with a lot of it, but I watched, and you fuckers rewrite history about... in two different events where they way it's told is very different from what I saw, I can point to two suicide attempts... not sure which is sadder, the kid who ended up with brain damage, or the adult who did kill himself... nah... it's the kid, I actually can say, but it's a fucking tragedy in both cases, and in both cases people spin a very different tale from what was going on

All these sanctimonious saviors who truly know what's best for the world... well fuck me, I wouldn't want to be like you, even if it makes me the worst scum. Better scum like me than scum like you

Just fucking tired, and... I frankly don't trust people enough to talk about this shit. Maybe once I'm about to die I will, but... not till then. Never makes a damn bit of difference when I do actually say anything anyway

...notice I avoid saying generalize "you" statements, cause... it's not all of you or anything. It's just enough people where... I don't know

Don't like it... examine yourself and see if you do anything nasty and cruel, no matter why you do it, see if you do it. You don't... then don't agonize over it, you know? You really want to know the specifics... maybe I'll say, probably I won't, I don't know

But like me being as bad as I was the past few days, like I said, this shit just tanks my mood, and it's been so fucking long it's been going on for an people still won't drop it

Just... I'm not a pleasant person. I'm not a good person. I'm just fucking polite most of the time is all, and then other times I say long ass shit like this and... whatever

Have a good night and all that stuff, hopefully in the coming months I can arrange what to do with my body, and then fucking get on with it and leave everyone in peace already

#mm tag so i can find things later

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servin-up-surveys · 1 year

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survey #095

(taken december 29th last year; uploading surveys taken while gone)

Have you ever given someone flowers? Yes; I remember one specific Mother's Day I took a jar and went walking down our path collecting wild flowers to give my mom. I'm also pretty sure I've given Jason roses before, but I'm not entirely positive. I want to give Girt some someday, even though he's said he thinks flowers are kinda a dumb gift, since they're just dying plants and all but honestly, I feel like if someone he loves like me actually gifted him flowers that he'd probably be really touched and cherish them.

Are there any lamps on in the room that you’re currently in? Yes, I have a guitar lamp in this room that's always on because I like its warm, orange glow.

Is there a place that you will never return back to? I've made it a point that I simply will fucking not EVER go back to the local mental hospital here if god absolutely forbid I need one again. I'll die before I do. It's literal hell and pure, rancid garbage of a facility.

Does your grass need to be cut currently? Nah, it naturally stays dead/real short this time of year.

What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you? A very abrupt and just overall traumatic breakup with a long-time partner I'd completely, utterly, entirely lost myself in. I had no self-autonomy; I lived for him, and suddenly he was gone, so I lived for nobody until I finally started to build myself and decide who I was in 2017. It's a journey still in progress today, because I still don't feel like I've entirely found myself and I definitely don't love myself like I should at all. I would wish the experience on absolutely, positively nobody. It changed me forever.

Would you ever want to get married? If so, why? Yes; the primary reason is I just really like the symbolism and general drive to always be and work together, but I also find it appealing for legal and financial ease when it comes to various processes.

Have you ever abused an animal? Hell fucking no.

Do you think animals are less important than humans? If so, why? Nope. They have just as much right to life and kindness as humans do, and you cannot change my mind. We came about existence and (varying degrees of) sentience the same way they did, so what the hell makes us better? And hey, at least animals don't consciously make evil decisions like we do...

Have you ever been sectioned? I am honestly STUNNED I haven't even HEARD this phrase before I just googled it, because I've been admitted to psych hospitals many times. The term "involuntary commitment" was used instead.

Are you on any medication? I'm on so many meds, and I hate it. I very much hold just how many meds I have been and also am still on as being responsible for my extreme memory problems. They're also why I have tremors in my hands. And why I have a chronically Sahara-dry mouth, like I'm supposed to carry a moistening spray for my mouth with me as instructed by my dentist because just how horribly dry my mouth is actually contributed to cavities in very difficult locations, like around the gum line and in difficult cracks.

Have you ever been homeless? Technically, yes, but I have Colleen to thank for ensuring I had some place to stay during this time. She, in her core, was not a very good person, but bad people are still capable of doing nice things. People are absolutely not merely black and white.

Have you ever had a steady job? Nope. Just three humiliating, very short-lived attempts.

Have you ever wanted to go to space? I absolutely would if it wasn't such a long, daunting journey. I feel like I would ultimately and very easily just cry if I went to and truly experienced outer space. That's the home of our very genesis, like I don't think anybody WOULDN'T cry.

Do you identify as a geek? If so, explain. Eh I guess so, I've definitely got my geeky interests and aesthetics and stuff, but I ultimately just don't care about labels and whether I fit them or not at this age.

What has been the most exciting moment of your life thus far? Markiplier acknowledging my existence lmfao

Do you have a dog that is destructive? Nah, Cookie's totally harmless.

Does your mom like to burn candles? Oh yes, she's big on Yankee candles.

Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever slept? Zero clue. Nowhere very odd, I'm sure.

Quick! Chinese or Mexican? Mexican, I guess, but I'm not big on either.

How many significant others have you had in your WHOLE life? I only consider three TRULY significant. I uh, think. What I had with Sara was nowhere near what I felt/feel for Jason and Girt, but it was still significant to me.

When was the last time you applied chapstick? Not long ago, actually. It's been every day for like a week or two now... They're just constantly burning and the top lip has a notably red shade above it.

All the people you’ve kissed, what did their names start with? J, T, D (or "G" if you go by what I call him), and S.

What did you and your ex fight about most? Jason and I I'm pretty sure fought most about instances where games came before me. I think. This was just so long ago that our old fights barely exist in my head now. Sara and I mostly argued about RP stuff, which is so fucking stupid and is just a reminder to me of how not worth it that friendship was, we could never agree on shit, shit that wasn't even real.

Have you ever purchased condoms? I personally haven't, no.

What brand is your camera? It's a Canon EOS Rebel T6.

Do you like raisins? I absolutely hate raisins.

When did you first kiss the last person you kissed? It was the first time he visited my house after we started dating the first time. As we were hugging before he left, he like shyly mentioned he wanted to but clearly wanted my permission, which I gave him even though at this time, I was not ready. No fault of his own, he was mannerly and considerate in seeing if I was okay with it and I SAID yes, so it's my own fault. Obviously doesn't bother me nowadays though.

Have you ever gone on vacation with your boyfriend/girlfriend? No, but that'd be super nice one day.

Would you rather be able to talk to animals or be fluent in every language? Talk to animals. I feel like it would ultimately be more beneficial, like others could translate my English, speaking to animals would be a major new thing.

What was the last thing someone asked you for advice on? Uhhhh... I can't remember.

What are some things that make others cry, that don’t make you cry at all? There is honestly probably nothing. I cry very easily.

Have you ever swam in a saltwater pool? No, and I'm cool with never doing that.

List three people you’ve had crushes on. I'm only gonna list people I never dated: Sebastian, Kyle, and Alon.

How old were you when you were first head over heels in love? 16, 17.

List three people you had a hard time forgiving. Jason, Dad, Colleen.

Is there someone you are currently struggling to forgive? I don't think "struggling" is the right word, I straight-up refuse to forgive Sara for invalidating my trauma. I could possibly forgive everything else, but not that. Never that.

[TW: EATING DISORDER, SIMILAR BEHAVIORS] Have you ever tried to starve yourself in order to lose weight? Yes, but it's never gone far. I handle the feeling of hunger quite badly, especially if I am super in need of food, so I've never been able to resist all that long.

If applicable, what form of birth control do you use? I use the Tri-Sprintec birth control pills, and condoms are mandatory for me. Maybe TMI but pulling out is also not merely an option, my partner is absolutely gonna fucking do it. I'm unwilling to do anything less than those three together.

What gender do you identify as? What gender were you born as? Female for both questions.

Have you ever gotten high off a prescription medication? No.

Do you prefer tampons or pads? Honestly, I hate both. Tampons are just uncomfortable and tend to just not stay perfectly in place for me, and pads are like bloody diapers, but ultimately I use pads these days anyway. I sometimes wanna try to use the cup, but I know I wouldn't handle it well for a few reasons.

Have you ever used a tampon? Yes, I think I've used tampons for most of my menstruating life. I only recently switched back to pads.

Did your parents give you “the talk”? No, I learned about periods and sex solely from family life/sex ed classes in school during 4th and 5th grade.

Do you think you are attractive? Absolutely not.

Have you ever accidentally overdosed on a drug? Yes actually, but it just made me very tired. Mom called poison control or whatever and they let us know I'd be fine, I probably just would be sleepy.

Would you ever name a child after yourself? No, I honestly REALLY dislike parents naming their children after themselves. It comes across as so self-important and like the child's identity isn't their own. I worry if I do have kids/a son, Girt's mom is absolutely going to want a Donald III which she will absolutely, positively NOT get. I don't even like the name Donald.

Is there a guy or girl you wish things had worked out with? Not anymore!

Would you rather have a daughter or a son? I would very strongly prefer a daughter if I have children.

Have you ever written to an advice columnist? No.

If you’re female, would you feel uncomfortable having a male gynecologist? Yes, I would literally refuse a male gynecologist, like I'm sorry, but a man picking a career of examining vaginas and pretending it's not something he gets some sort of sexual satisfaction out of seems REMARKABLY unlikely to me.

Do you like Lisa Frank? Yeah, I really enjoy her aesthetic. Kinda want a Lisa Frank-ish tattoo at some point.

Were you ever hospitalized as a child? No.

Do you believe that drug addicts and alcoholics should count as people? Are you fucking kidding me with this????

Will you vote in the next presidential election? Yes.

What’s your favorite zoo animal? Meerkats! Even though my zoo no longer has them. :(

Are you allergic to your favorite animal? I wouldn't know, I've never been in contact with one.

Did you ever have to take home a fake baby in health class? No, thank fucking GOD.

Would you rather wear ivory or white on your wedding day? What color will your bridesmaids wear? Well, I most want to wear black, but if that wasn't an option, uh... idk, it would really depend on the dress. I think my bridesmaids are gonna wear orange; I want a black-and-gold themed wedding and I think orange would work okay. I think gold dresses would either be very expensive or just distracting, or both.

Have you ever taken a poetry course? No, but I absolutely would've if it was an option in school.

What would you name twin girls? I can basically promise you I would selectively abort if I got pregnant with twins even if I wanted children, BUT if I did keep both for whatever reason, I'm rather confident in Alessandra and Anneliese.

Are you named after anyone? No. Well, my middle name is frequently used as a middle name in my family, if you'd consider that as counting.

Do you want to have a bachelorette party? Idk, probably.

Would you be scared to meet God? My totally honest, rather confident opinion? Even if he existed, no. Because if he IS real, I have a negative amount of respect for him so therefore don't respect anything he'd think or feel. The idea of going to Hell is terrifying, yeah, but even that fear won't keep me from what I so firmly believe in these days.

Have you ever questioned God’s existence? Story of basically my entire life.

Is there a Kmart in your town? There once was quite close to here actually, but it's been closed for a veeeery long time now.

Do you enjoy seeing wedding and baby announcements on Facebook? Of course! Those are exciting times for people and I'm happy for them.

What would you say if you found out your last ex was in a relationship? I wouldn't say anything, idc.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? When it boils down to it, no. I want to keep moving forward.

#survey #surveys #random questions #personal questions

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