#but my therapist suggested i try drawing for fun

[aetherixs]

some entity drawings

[musical-dash-trash]

hello!!! i’m making a notes post because i saw people doing them and thought it would be fun :D

10 notes— i’ll make a serious effort to go to bed before 12:30 a.m once school starts

20 notes— i’ll drink more than half a glass of water a day (uhhh let’s say three glasses a day at least) currently doing it!!

30 notes— i’ll post all of my wildlife pictures!!

40 notes— i’ll paint my nails in a fun design and post it on here

50 notes— i’ll learn the instrumentals to some songs on piano

60 notes— i’ll add an email/way to contact me outside of tumblr dms to my intro post done!! email is musicaldashtrash@gmail.com, please ask before emailing me and remember that i am a minor! that email also works on google chat :D

70 notes— i’ll try to start eating meals more regularly (not that i don’t eat enough, structure just helps me) doing it!!

100 notes— i’ll actually start writing some of my fanfiction ideas

150 notes— i’ll post some of my drawings on here

200 notes— i’ll actually use my sideblogs (especially the newsies rp one) and tag them in my intro post

250 notes— i’ll try to make more friends irl (and be more myself with the ones i have)

500 notes— i’ll post a cover of superboy and the invisible girl from next to normal on here (if you all promise to be nice about my voice)

550 notes— i’ll start a youtube channel on which i will post song covers!!

750 notes— i’ll post covers of songs that you guys choose (my range is about d3-e6… tentatively)

1000 notes— i’ll MAYBE do a face reveal here is a self-portrait

1100 notes— i’ll talk to my doctor about my back/joint pain

9000 notes— i’ll be more honest with my therapist

10000 notes— i’ll seriously consider getting a neuropsych test (my therapist suggested it)

i’ll probably add more things as i think of them but yeah!! thank you :DDD

[pekoehoneyncream]

Ghoaptober # 31

Prompt: Knife

Words: 1500~

TW: Allusions to Torture (sfw)

This version of Ghoaptober was created by @spadesandshovels

This is the last one folks! All good things must come to an end, I suppose. This has been really fun to do! It's been great to stretch my writing skills, I feel like I improved over the course of the month, at least I hope I did, I definitely had to do less grammar and spelling corrections as we progressed, so there's that.

I wanted to thank everyone who's left such kind comments for me, you're feedback really does mean the world to me, Thank You!

If you want me to write more please do drop me an ask, I'd love to hear from you!

And with all of that said, onto the fic

Enjoy!

A shriek echoed out from the microscopic kitchenette crammed into the back of the disused officer’s rec room that the one-four-one had co-opted, Ghost and Price launched off the sagging sofa towards the noise. They charged into the kitchenette, Ghost wielding a knife and Price his hand-gun, ready to end any threat to their Sergeants.

There was no threat, just Soap trying to hide his awkward blush in his mug of coffee while Gaz stared at him with something close to abject horror. 

“Tav, mate, what the fuck is wrong with your tongue.” Gaz demanded, willfully ignoring that he’d just screamed like an arachnophobe confronting Shelob and the fact that his superiors hadn't hesitated in running to his hypothetical rescue. 

Price huffed and reholstered his gun, Ghost putting away his knife much more slowly. “Just what exactly is going on?” He demanded with an edge to his voice that suggested he was already regretting that he’d asked, “Why are you screaming over Soap’s tongue?”

“Well, Cap,” Soap started with a lewd tilt of his eyebrows and a goading grin,

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Gaz cut over him with a biting tone, “but, I didn’t expect to be confronted by the fact that Soap is an actual fuckin’ demon on a casual Thursday afternoon, Price.”

“Garrick, we talked about this,” Price scolded,

“Yeah,” Ghost agreed, “Johnny can’t be a demon, his rosary'd burn him.”

“Wha!” Soap sputtered in sheer disbelief, “Youse thought Ah’m a demon?!”

“No one’s that lucky, Tav.” Gaz said with flat seriousness, “There’s gotta be some kinda something going on.” 

“Would a deal with a demon make you demonic?” Ghost mused in an exaggeratedly ponderous tone, casting his gaze up to the ceiling tiles so that the flabbergasted expression Soap’s face was stretching into couldn't make him laugh.

Gaz perked up, snapping and pointing at Ghost in a eureka-esque motion, “Yes! That’s totally it!” He exclaimed, practically bouncing on his toes with his triumph. 

“Riley-”

“I cannae make a deal wit’ a demon!” Soap cut over Price, slamming his mug down to free up his hands for incensed gesturing, “Mah Grannie would disown me!” 

“Then how do you explain-” Gaz flailed a hand in the direction of Soap’s mouth, lacking the words to describe just what in fuck was going on in there, “-that!”

A look of cartoonish offence slid onto Soap’s face. Ghost watched him brace his hands on his hips and draw himself up to his full height, hamming it up. Trying to make it into an easily deflected joke. Concern kicked at the back of Ghost’s sternum, if Johnny was deflecting it meant the real answer was nothing good. 

Ghost had learned early on that Johnny was one of the most open, shameless, oversharing freaks that walked this earth. He had watched Johnny laugh his way through retelling stories and anecdotes that would have sent consummate exhibitionists blushing through the floor on multiple occasions. Ghost had also been quick to cotton on to the fact that it was for the best to follow up on the topics that Johnny tried to deflect, as they were generally things that would have a therapist crying and Johnny really was better off getting them off his chest. Ghost usually let it go and tried to circle back around to those deflections when they were alone and Johnny was feeling safe, but with Gaz latched onto this like a starved dog with a butcher bone, that wasn’t an option. 

Sure, Ghost could probably distract Gaz and help Johnny wiggle out of this, but debriding old wounds is always a good team bonding experience. 

Gaz and Soap had stagnated into their usual pattern of bandying insults back and forth. Having a grand time of pretending to be sputtering in high dudgeon whenever the other would quip back with something particularly clever. Ghost cut his eyes to Price, and jerked his chin at Johnny upon catching the Captain’s eye. 

Yes, Ghost wanted Johnny to talk about it, but he didn’t want his boyfriend upset with him either. 

“Right,” Price cut in after giving Ghost a roundly rancorous look, “Soap, why is Garrick accusing you of having a demonic tongue. Without!” He hastily amended when Soap turned overblown fuck-me eyes on him, “any chirpsing if you would.”

“Aye, right. Uh-” Soap hesitated, staring down at his feet and rubbing at his nape as he tried to gather the right words to explain this, “Reckon he mean’ this.” He gave up and just stuck his tongue out. 

Soap could admit that he got a bit of a kick out of watching their uncomprehending looks warp into horrified incredulity when his tongue split down the middle. He wiggled the two sides up and down in opposite directions of each other and briefly twined them into a coil to drive the image home, then retracted it back behind the safety of his teeth with as much casual finesse as he could muster. 

There was a beat of silence, then a cavalcade of questions. Soap’s personal favourite was Ghost’s ‘how did I not notice?’ said in the tone of a man on the edge of a revelatory breakdown. A close second was Price’s muttered ‘that can’t be within regs.”, but topping the charts for sheer volume was Gaz.

“What!” He shrieked, “What the fuck! When’d you get that!?” his voice dripped with a queer mix of awe, horror, and morbid fascination. 

Soap hummed uncertainly, casting his mind back, swallowing against the phantom taste of blood creeping up his throat to pool at the back of his mouth, “Mus’ a been aroun' twenty-sixteen? Some’hing like tha’,”

“Twenty-sixteen.” Price muttered, mentally rifling through Soap’s file, there was something about that year that had the klaxons spinning up in Price’s subconscious, “Not October twenty-sixteen?” 

“Aye,” Soap nodded, keeping his eyes on the ground, “Tha’d be the one.”

“Corporal MacTavish was detained by enemy forces eighth October twenty-sixteen and was successfully recovered twelfth October twenty-sixteen. In enemy custody, Corporal MacTavish was subjected to physical maltreatment, most notably manifesting in substantial damage within the oral cavity. Injury permanent but non-disfiguring. Corporal MacTavish states that no intelligence was provided to the adversary while in custody.” Price quotes -impressively word for word- from the truncated after action report that had been the script for far too many of his nightmares, “That October twenty-sixteen?” 

“Got ‘er in one, Cap.” Soap confirms, idly grinding his tongue between his teeth, “Yanno, they did offer tae fix it. The medics.” He spoke on just to break the heavy silence that had conquered the room, “But they’d have had tae open it up again, cause it’d been cauterized, so Ah said no' tae bother.”

They'd told him that as it was a 'non-invasive procedure' only local numbing would be provided and Soap would not be letting anyone else come at his tongue with a knife unless he was unconscious, dead, or dying. 

“Tav," Gaz pressed out slowly, hesitantly, “That’s fucked, mate.”

“Aye,” Soap nodded, staring down at the kitchenette’s cheap linoleum. Blinking to force the floor back into dingy tiles when his brain tried to twist it into stained concrete. He huffed a small flat laugh, more to force the scent of iron and dank stone from his nose than anything else, “Aye, twasn’t mah idea ae fun neither.”

“Johnny,” Ghost drew his name out into a devastated whine and lunged forward to coil around Soap in a protective embrace. Heart splitting at the shakiness he could feel in Johnny’s shallow breaths as he clutched his boyfriend to his chest. 

“Ah’m alrigh’,” Johnny assured, but the tear-fighting sniff he tried to conceal in Ghost’s pecs said something different. 

“You’re alright,” Price agreed, lay a grounding hand on Soap’s shoulder. 

“Yeah,” Gaz poked at Soap’s sensitive sides to force a wet giggle out of him, “Course you’re alright, Tav. You’ve got us and if those fucks aren’t already dead I’m sure Ghost is drafting up like ten different plans for how to track ‘em down and kill ‘em slow.”

Ghost was glad that Gaz’s joking was making Johnny feel better, and gave an intrigued pensive hum into the fluff of his warhawk to play along. 

It was actually fifteen different plans. 

“Okay. Okay.” Soap barked, shaking them off once he was absolutely positive that he wasn’t about to start bawling like a bairn as soon as they let go, “Mah goddamn coffee’s gonnae be fuckin’ cold now ye muckers.” 

“Do you want me to make you a new cup, so you don't have to microwave it?” Ghost offered, love surging within him for the wide blue eyes that swung his way. 

“Would ye, mo chridhe?” Johnny begged prettily. 

Ghost hooked a thumb under his balaclava, lifting it over his mouth just long enough to press an adoring kiss unto Johnny’s lips, then turning away to make him the promised fresh cuppa, fluidly stealing his mug to dump and refill it.

Both men were content to ignore the way Gaz faked a retch over their sappy mush, as he practically stepped on Price’s heels following after the Captain on his tactical retreat back to the sofa.

Thank You For Reading!

Some nice hurt/comfort to round off the month. It didn't make it into the fic but the reason that his captors split Soap's tongue is because he wouldn't stop talking back, just a fun fact for y'all.

Did anyone want me to make a masterlist for all of these? with ratings and short descriptions or something? there's already links to the full series on my masterlist, but that just has the prompts, so I was wondering if a masterlist would be helpful. Let me know!

PekoeHoneynCream's Masterlist

[mellosdrawings]

Forgive me if this has been asked before, but I really love your line work! What do you do to keep it so clean? I get carpal tunnels easily so it’s a pain for me to do consistently. Also what brushes do you use? I also use procreate :>

First thank you for the kind words <3

My brush for pretty much everything is the default Procreate Pencil that you can find in the Sketching section of your brushes. I don't think I've tweaked the settings but here are the main ones just in case.

As you can see, I don't use any stabilizer for this brush. I want it to feel just like an actual pencil.

How do I keep my lines "clean" then?

First: shitty textured brush with barely any weight. The problem with perfectly smooth brushes is that any shakiness from your hand will be visible in the end result, so you'd need a heavy stabilizer. I don't like it coz it removes the energy/dynamic lines. Smooth stuff isn't exactly my thing unless I'm trying to have a cartoon effect.

Second: I don't actually try to keep it clean. I redo some lines several times, keep some of the mess ups, etc. But one thing I do is keep my hand/arm flowy. I do wide moves, try to keep it all smooth. Unless there is an angle, the line is likely to be just one swift move.

Third: As my brush has very little weight (ie bigger or thinner lines), I manually add it by adding lines and darkness to some places.

Here's an example with my Liongarb Jamil. The first version is weightless, all lines are mostly the same size. The second adds some weight notably in the hair, headset, arms, and belt.

Here you can see the added lines I used to do the weight.

And so with those tricks you have the appearance of cleanness, even though it is actually far from clean.

(Also i never do straight lines. Those are the devil. When you do wide moves, all your lines are going to be arcs, and that's exactly what I'm aiming for. Adds dynamics and can be done swiftly without having to focus on making the line straight and pretty.)

My advice would be not to worry too much about cleanness. It annoyed me to no end before, until I finally decided to just do it however I liked and screw cleanness. I prefer to have dynamic and fun lines rather than a perfect drawing, and it does the trick.

When you read shonen manga next time (if you like reading those), pay attention to the line work. In most cases you will see it is actually shaky and unclean and sometimes even ugly. But it doesn't matter, because the moves are here. It's dynamic. That's what matters. (Jujutsu Kaisen example (open in your search engine or you might get an error warning), One Piece example, Haikyuu example)

As for the carpal tunnel pain, it's probably because you draw with your wrist instead of your whole arm. My whole right arm is always in pain and I had to get surgery in my wrist for a cyst last year, so I know how frustrating it is to be in pain when drawing. Here's a few tips:

I would suggest you see a physical therapist if you can, so you can get a better drawing position.

Regular stretching like rotating your wrists, flexing your fingers, etc, also helps a lot.

Doing bigger lines/moves with your shoulder or elbow instead of your fingers or wrist when you draw will remove some pressure from your wrist.

Don't hesitate to mix how you draw when one part starts to hurt so it can get some rest, and do take regular breaks in your drawings.

Finally I suggest that you get yourself something to make your grip on your pen bigger. I use these pen holders for children to help me. It might sound ridiculous, but half the strain in your wrist comes from your thumb. Having a bigger grip helps relax your position.

I hope all this blah-blah helps you, good luck with your art and your wrist o//

[lunarleonardo]

BOUNDARIES

I know this is uncommon for me to make a post like this, but I feel that it needs to be done. I'd like to establish a few boundaries. I will be briefly mentioning some sensitive topics.

First, my askbox. That is open to mostly everything. My AUs, your AUs, myself or even yourself, I do not care. I really enjoy interacting with everyone ^^ However, please keep in mind that I am a little sensitive, and I am a softie at heart. I do not take criticism very well. If it is about my stories, then either DM me, or keep it to yourself. If it is about my behavior and something I need to fix, then please do call me out. I want to change and improve for the better, but I am only human. I do have flaws and I have feelings.

That being said, I am fine with discussing any kind of topic in media. And yes, I mean any. I can stomach quite a bit and I don't mind having a fair, respectful conversation about darker topics in stories. However that does absolutely not mean you can send me stuff about your experiences with those subjects. I do not know you. I struggle with my own mental health and truama; I write what I write as a coping mechanism and I am not here to deal with your problems too. Talk to a friend, a trusted family member, or a therapist if you are struggling. Do not talk to somebody on the internet you only know via their fanworks.

Just in case: when it comes to sexual topics, that can be a little iffy for me. I'm not the biggest fan of sexual subjects or jokes. One or two here occasionally are fine, but keep in mind that on this blog, the DRV3 cast are minors. I will not tolerate the sexualization of kids. If it's an adult then go for it I guess but otherwise, let's try to keep sexual subjects to the absolute minimum.

As suggested by my friend, fanart/fics/inspiration. I write a lot of fanfiction so already the characters and base story I write with are not mine, but in regards to works based on my AUs/fics, I will say this. I do not mind if you draw something based off my fics, or if you write something on it yourself. I would just like to be tagged so I can see it, because I really enjoy seeing what everyone makes. So long as you tag it with the proper warnings, go wild. All I ask is that your works stay within reason and remain respectful to the darker subjects of my or your work. As far as inspiration goes, please, go right ahead! It makes me happy knowing you liked one of my ideas enough to do something with it yourself. Go wild and have fun!

If something changes then I will update this, but for now, that's it. I am going to protect my mental health and comfort, which means that I will start blocking people if you repeatedly disrespect my boundaries. This is my safe space, and I will do the work to keep it that way.

Thank you for understanding. ♡

[dragon8er]

Happy Birthday, Fasha!

Hey guys, Dragon8er here!

It's Fasha's Birthday! Here's to you, you wonderful therapist!

Check out Fasha and ask her questions in her official blog @fashasoffice. Fasha is owned by their creator, @shandit.

I had a LOT of fun making this, and I'm super proud of how it turned out. Especially the birthday cake drawing. Attempted more complex lighting than what I normally try, and I think it turned out nice.

Also shoutout to @g0at0ad for the suggestion for what book Fasha should be holding. My headcanon is that Monochrome gave her that book as a birthday gift, but that felt a little too conceited to draw. Also it kept looking bad, so I scrapped it in favor of the Fashism Creature. /hj

More projects coming soon!

Until then, this has been Dragon8er, and I will see you all Drago-l8er!

[amyroseblog]

Hi, Amy!! I have a question! I just want to ask this since you're so cool you have the best advice ever!!

Amy, what do you do to make yourself feel comfortable, safe and happy?? I'm dealing with really triggering and sad thoughts and I have no other ways to cope with my thoughts but to talk to other people about how I feel.

some of their advice is to stop thinking about it but how will I stop thinking about it if it's always in my head?? and some of their advice is also to make myself feel comfortable, but I've tried everything from watching fun videos or drawing pictures of characters I like! they just don't seem to make me happy or comfortable and sometimes the thoughts would sneak into my mind all of a sudden.

sorry for the long question, but I really hope you notice this!!

- aimee (omg our names kinda match!!!)

Hii Anon! Sorry it took a while (school and allat yk the drill) but my advice is to talk to a trusted adult like a therapist (if you can). If not, then always talk to your parents, it’s their job to look after you and protect you from harm! ദ്ദി ( ᵔ ᗜ ᵔ ) If the issue can be talked out then always try that when you’re comfortable. I’d also suggest journaling down how you’ve been feeling so you get a rough idea if things are looking good or if they need to change. (Plus it’s super fun and relaxing yk? ^_^). __φ(．．)

Other than that, I’d suggest doing things that might calm you down like watching tv, reading, cooking, gardening, writing, singing, sports ect. If you currently don’t have any hobbies, then it might be good to pick some up along the way!! (´〇`)🎙️ ♪🎶♪ ♪

Thanks for the ask, Anon! Hope u feel better soon! ^_^

[a-substantial-trash-pile]

referencing the last reblog so i don’t end up writing a mcfreakin novel in the poor person’s notes:

because god it really sucks holding it all in. my therapist is cool but it’s hard to explain some of these things that bother me to someone who isn’t as “online.” so i resort to posting about the things on my tumblr because it’s the closest i can get to talking about things to someone else without feeling as much of the guilt. idk my mind is an anomaly. speaking of guilt im putting a “read more” here now because this dumb thing’s getting long and now im thinking about the things that have bothered me that idk if i handled right and i don’t want to subject others to seeing it if they don’t want to.

ALSO i think im going to tag my random posts that i make when im having sad bad brain times with “trash rants” so please feel free to block that tag as needed!

the following is essentially about being in a discord server that had both minors (15+) and adults in it and the complications i had in that environment.

one thing that happened a while ago involved a situation within a fandom discord server that idk how tf to even explain the situation to a professional without feeling like an idiot. an adult artist had a character that other people in the server liked. one time that person posted something they drew of that character topless with a message about how boobs shouldn’t be sexual which is absolutely right. but then the others + the artist started making comments about the character’s boobs that i became very confused with how to interpret. my brain was like “are the intent of these comments to be suggestive/sexual in nature or am i being an ignorant asshole for interpreting them as such and it’s because i’m being the problem and seeing boobs themselves as a sexual?” it was even more complicated because the people involved in making these comments were underage. it got even even more complicated because then some of these underage people started drawing the character topless with more comments that i didn’t know how to interpret. one of these people at some point told the original artist that they would privately dm them the more nsfw drawings they were doing. and everyone seemed to be having a good time going “BOOBS 👀👀” and all that and the channel was going crazy. but i was getting so uncomfortable and confused. and i felt like such an asshole. because i like boobs too and society shouldn’t see them as something inherently sexual. but the underage folk being involved made it so complicated for my brain. because if some random person not involved with the server looked in on what was happening, couldn’t it be seen as minors making and sending an adult nsfw art? even though it was very likely NOT the intention of the original artist.

what i ended up doing was bringing my concerns to the server owner, which was responded well to. a rule was put in place about sharing nsfw stuff. but i felt so guilty about it. i felt like i was being a party pooper and ruining people’s fun. i still wasn’t sure if i was even doing the right thing and if it was a problem within me and not with what happened. i was born into a conservative religious background so it was only when i became more independent and was allowed access to the internet that i got to start to unlearn the bad things that were taught to me. that background is something i’m trying so hard to separate myself from, but it’s something that i’m afraid will haunt me. was what happened in the server not actually a problem, and it was because my brain wants to do the bad society thing and interpret boobs as sexual? did i ruin everyone’s fun because i’m just an ignorant asshole who got uncomfy at something i shouldn’t be getting uncomfy about? i still don’t know. anyway, i ended up leaving the server because i just couldn’t enjoy it anymore. once in a while that original artist’s stuff pops up naturally in my feed because we’re still in the same fandom, but i can’t even look at their art or even their name without feeling all the confusion and guilt again. which i feel terrible about because they seemed like a really nice person and they’re a great artist! and i really don’t think they had any bad intentions at all when that situation in the server happened. but i just can’t do it.

that situation was the first moment i truly realized just how scary it is and careful you have to be when you’re in an online environment where adults and minors can freely interact. it’s easy to forget ages when you’re just a profile picture, and how easy it can be to influence someone young, and how dangerous that is, whether your intentions are good or not. it made me realize that i don’t want to be in that type of server where you’re directly interacting with underage people. because i’m a fucking mess and i don’t know what the hell i’m doing 90% of the time. i don’t want to somehow mess up a kid! even if it’s an accident i didn’t want to risk having that accident happen in the first place. it’s one of the reasons why i can’t bring myself to ever draw and post nsfw art anywhere either. i just feel so uncomfortable about it. to me it’s fine if others do it if they’re doing it in a safe way with the necessary precautions, and they shouldn’t feel shame in it! it’s just not something i feel comfortable doing myself.

jfc im so sorry if anyone actually read this far. this whole thing is so stupid. i wish i didnt let it bother me for so long. there are a lot of stupid things that my brain wastes time worrying about. maybe writing all this down will help me explain it to someone on the “outside” who can tell me how to stop it. i don’t know.

[fangedfcker]

(img source)

"BRIAR". IT/ITS. VAMPIRE.

AROACE. SEX REPULSED. HYPERSEXUAL. SUB.

19. TRANSMASC. NONHUMAN. 1YR ON T.

MINORS DNI. THAT INCLUDES READING THIS BLOG.

SINGLE. SPORADIC POSTER. ASKS/REQUESTS/SUGGESTIONS OKAY. I MAKE TEXT POSTS AND ART. I DO NOT SEND PICTURES UNLESS WE ARE FRIENDS.

KINKS: CNC, PET PLAY, MONSTERFUCKING, POWER PLAYS, BOOTS, GLOVES, DOM/SUB, PAIN PLAY, ROYALTY, DUBCON PLAY, BREEDING, PRIESTS, OTHER VAMPIRES, AND I HAVE THIS THING ABOUT VAMPIRE HUNTERS.

IMPORTANT: DO NOT REFER TO ME AS HUMAN. I AM NOT HUMAN. MY REASONS FOR THIS ARE NOT IMPORTANT ON MY NSFT BLOG. YOU CAN CALL ME A VAMPIRE, MONSTER, CREATURE, BEAST, THING, OR THE LIKE. DO NOT CALL ME HUMAN.

SIDE BLOG, I FOLLOW FROM V*******C

I AM INCREDIBLY BAD AT ANSWERING DMS. IT'S OK TO DM FIRST EVEN IF WE'RE NOT MUTUALS. I AM NOT IGNORING YOU. I AM JUST SHY.

DNI: MINORS, PEDO/ZOOPHILES, CISHET PEOPLE (I'D PREFER IF CIS PEOPLE DIDN'T INTERACT AT ALL BUT IT'S NOT A HARD LINE).

DO NOT TAG MY POSTS WITH ANY INCE.ST RELATED TAGS. I AM AN I.NCEST SURVIVOR. I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE INTO IT IN FANTASY, IT IS INCREDIBLY TRIGGERING FOR ME AND I WILL BLOCK YOU IF YOU BREAK THIS BOUNDARY.

also hiii ^-^ i am. not scary. i promise. i just like aesthetic stuff. i also dont expect people to read all this before reblogging/interacting haha!! if i reached out to you to ask you to take smth down and you accidentally did smth i ask people not to here, there are absolutely no hard feelings! it happens.

i'm also a little hardline on the boundaries because i am a survivor, and part of this blog's existence is me reclaiming my sexuality. everything i do here is for fun and for feeling good together, and you're welcome to play! join the ouppy cuddle pile or we can just bite each other idc.

also if youre curious about the nonhuman thing: i personally feel human-adjacent! like i'm not one of you, but i think you're interesting. this does directly stem from past trauma and i have spoken to a therapist on it.

also, if you want, i am trying to get better at horny art. you can suggest things if you'd like. (OCs or concepts preferred, i'm not okay with drawing characters without the owner's consent in scenarios like this).

i don't colour code horny posts because i have photosensitive migranes and those trigger them. if you read this and don't mind, please try to avoid coloured text unless all text is the same colour if you send messages!

[glamoureddreamer]

No matter what

Spooky month (Streber x M!Reader)

Warnings: hurt/comfort, Depression, anxiety, ptsd mentioned, this takes place after tender treats, (please let me know if I’ve missed anything)

If you or a loved one is in need of help in anyway please get help from one of the multiple help hotlines. You matter and you deserve help. Thank you everyone, have a great day and know it gets better <3

Streber nuzzles his face further into his scarf. Streber and his boyfriend (Y/n) were taking their daily walk. Streber’s therapist suggested that after his… Halloween incident walking should help this mental health. (Y/n) squeezed Streber’s hand, drawing him out of his thoughts he looks up at (Y/n).

“You doing okay?” He asked. “Your more quiet than normal.”

“You saying I can’t be calm?” Streber jokes with a small chuckle, (Y/n) smiles and lifts his hand pecking the back softly. Streber blushes and leans his head against his boyfriend's shoulder.

“I love you.”

“I love you too Strebs.”

They approach a crosswalk on the other side, three teenage boys were standing talking amongst themselves. As they pass Streber overheard them talking.

“Did you see his arm?” One with brown curly hair snickers 

“No?” The one wearing mostly dark colors mumbles.

“Exactly it’s gone.” The first one chuckled. “What a weirdo.” 

In the past he would’ve taken it as a compliment he liked standing out, it made him special. However, after the incident he wasn’t proud to be himself he felt judged. (Y/n) immediately sensed his change in mood. He stops them on the side of the sidewalk.

“You okay Streber? What’s wrong?” He asked in a gentle voice making Streber face him.

Streber stares at his empty sleeve.

“D-do…do you still love me even though I’m missing my…my arm?” Streber had tears filling his eyes. (Y/n) pulls Streber into a tight hug.

“Of course, I’ll love you no matter what.”

“Why?” Streber asks his voice failing him. “You have to deal with my stupid PTSD a-and-“

He cuts himself off anger lacing his voice.

“Why don’t you… why don’t you just leave?” Streber says sobs raking through his body, (Y/n) pulls him into a tight hug.

“Streber’s, I love you. Your soul and your body is great, yes and I wouldn’t change a thing- isn’t the reason why I love you. I love who you are.” Streber clings to (Y/n) burying his face in his lover's chest.

“I love the funny random thoughts you get, I love the colorful and fun personality you have how much you don’t care about what others think, I love you for you, not just your body.” He pauses and lifts Streber’s face out of his chest making the man look at him.

“And sure things have changed after the incident and it caused a big change for us even more so for you but your stronger for it.” (Y/n) pecks his lips gently, Streber’s sobs had slowed down to almost nothing.

“Thank you.” He whispers in his boyfriend's chest squeezing him harder.

“Of course Streber, I’ll always help you.”

“Your suck with me.” (Y/n) smiles trying to lighten the mood and Streber giggles. They stand like that for a few moments longer until Streber was ready to face the world again.

“How about we go to the candy store and get loads of candy and watch a vampire movie at home?”

Streber’s eyes light up. “Yes! That sounds great!” 

(Y/n) chuckles at his eagerness, Streber grabs his hand and begins to pull him to the candy store.

“I love you Strebs.”

“I love you too (y/n)!”

[diminuel]

On the 10th of January I have an important meeting that determines how the next year or so of my life is going to go and I will manage, no matter what the outcome will be. But I’m still unbearably nervous about it mostly because I’m not sure how to best prepare for it. I tried to make a schedule for this week to guide me through the things I want to prepare. I think I’ll just treat it like an exam... But I’m not particularly good at... well... spoken communication, including oral exams. Especially if there will be half a dozen strangers asking questions.

Anyway, all this text to say that a) I’m anxious and b) I have a slot reserved later today to do some art!* I’m not sure yet if I should draw it digitally or try some watercolour again. It’ll be a simple portrait of Dean so I could probably manage a watercolour attempt! Though it might be too dark already by the time I’m back home and have done my other chores.

* Making schedules is what my therapist suggested I do and she said to also plan “fun” things. I just find it difficult to sit down and do hobby things as if it’s a task. I still hope it works because I do want to draw...

[cryptid-maihem]

I did finally get an appointment with a therapist, and was basically diagnosed with anxiety about fifteen minutes into the appointment, and am working with them to fill the forms that will tell my college that I do have anxiety, and having my cat with me in the dorm will help me.

I told my therapist in my last appointment that I have trouble with practicing drawing because I suffer from ‘all or nothing thinking’ which basically means I either view my work as a failure or as a success instead of as progress. When I try to practice drawing, or try something new, I get frustrated when it’s not perfect or good enough right away, which ticks me off, and then if I’m ticked off, it’s not good for me to draw because my art will only suffer, and I’ll view drawing as a nuisance, or have a negative connotation with it. Then if I take a break, I’m not practicing or getting better. And then I start to think ‘I’ve been identifying as an artist or a writer since I was able to pick up a crayon, and since I’m not good at either anymore, then what even am I without those qualities?’ Which then sends me down an existential crisis rabbit hole. So she gave an assignment to purposefully draw something bad, to allow myself to be bad, and I made this. I still feel like I put too much effort into it and focused too much on making it ‘good’. 😅 This assignment was harder than I thought, but it is a fun practice. A friend of mine suggested that I do a timed sketch and it might help me draw faster/allow myself to make a sloppy bad drawing.

[cawareyoudoin]

Lately my mother has offered to help me with my art portfolio. My mother has a master's in art. We have a tense relationship, but it's gotten better lately. We don't fight as much anymore.

I said yes, of course I would like to learn, and yesterday we sat down and drew, and it was fun! She threw away most things she drew, because she didn't like them. She crumpled them and threw them in the trash. I don't really understand that, but she said I should learn to do it, or I'll be drowning in paper- at least if I plan on drawing consistently enough to get into college.

She commented on my drawing a bit- mostly things I already knew or saw, like how I didn't translate my sketch onto the bigger page right. I said I found it hard. She said I had to learn.

Today, I didn't feel well for a few reasons, so she told me to at least look through a book about art- I called her over and showed her a few things I had thoughts about, and she told me I had a mature outlook. The praise was nice. She asked me if I actually wanted to learn about art. I wasn't lying when I said yes, but I don't really see how just looking at old art would help me.

She wanted me to draw something, but we went to the cinema too, and I was exhausted, so I said I didn't feel like it. I called it off.

I thought everything was fine. Then, she got strangely mad about me not drawing today, and insistent on me going to bed before midnight to get up in the morning and do it. Then she said how she was done with me, said that I "already thought I knew everything", and was ungrateful for her giving me free lessons on what would otherwise cost a lot. She said she wasn't talking to me. It was a clear start to a fight, like always, like it always always always is with her, and how all the nice moments feel like a calm before an inevitable storm. I didn't get provoked though, and I am proud of that. I just told her I'm confused.

As I was writing this post, she came into my room and told me I promised to go to bed. She can't sleep when I don't sleep. Why is she expecting me to? She said I'm addicted to my phone. She earlier suggested me giving the phone to her. Not happening.

I am almost twenty-two years old. I'm not a helpless child anymore. I know I have ADHD, and that many things that annoy her about me are likely a result of that. My being late, my fidgeting, my staying up late, my not doing chores in time, my not cooking, my fear of criticism, my trouble with practicing something consistently. I'm not lazy. I know it. I hope it. I'm trying my best, but my best might never be enough for her.

In moments like this, I often feel like I can't ever be happy with her in my life. Not so close at least. If I could rent my own place and pay for it, I would. Maybe. It's intimidating to think about. There's so many things involved. I just want to be happy. I will be someday, fully. I know it. But not with her around.

Is college even a viable option for me? I don't know anymore. I barely managed to finish school. I need to talk to my therapist about finding another therapist. I need to finish my diagnosis. I need to get on meds. So many things to do. So little energy. My mother is right- I am tired all the time. She says it as an accusation.

Man, why am I even posting this? I guess I just needed an outlet. I would forget about a journal anyways. Sorry to anyone who comes across it.

[thedarkcaustic]

It's taken me till my 30's to learn that we need to do things just for fun--

(CW: Mentions of diet culture and body image issues)

I don't think the people around me necessarily set out to raise me with the idea that everything had to be the best, but it's certainly what I internalized. I also internalized this idea that you are either good at something or you're not. I mean, yes I was told to practice, but there was also this like weird emphasize on natural talent - you either had it, and should practice to build it up, or you didn't have talent and therefore any time spent practicing was a waste of time.

But I was never encouraged, and even to some degree, to do things just because they were fun. Drawing, dancing, learning instruments, writing --

None of it was just for fun. Just because humans like to create art. I'm thinking about this on a couple different fronts.

One, I'm doing this like deep work on unpacking diet culture (and the many diets I was put on without my consent growing up and how that has impacted both my physical and mental health). A huge part of unpacking internalized diet culture and the relationship with my body isn't just how I eat - but how I move my body. And I've had periods of my life where I was very active, and I'm currently not active at all and trying to figure out how to get myself active again.

And my therapist is literally the first person on earth to suggest I find a physical activity that brings me joy. Moving my body has literally never been about joy one day in my whole fucking life. I did karate for over a decade (which I did happen to love!) but that was so I could defend myself. I hired personal trainers and did crossfit and ran 5Ks-- because people kept tell me I needed to be thinner. Nothing was ever good enough. I'd spend hours in the gym and trying so hard and still-- being told that it wasn't good enough. Trying so hard and always failing and dreading going to the gym and spending all of this time emotionally preparing myself to go to the gym because going to the gym was supposed to make me thinner! And I would enjoy the benefits of the gym! And it would improve my mood! But it became this miserable thing that swallowed my life whole. I couldn't do any other hobbies because I was going to the gym and it's a whole affair with find the time and the money and the energy and how is it gonna fit into my literal work schedule and when am I going to shower and how am I going to sleep and when am I going to eat dinner--

Just making me so miserable. And still not being thin enough. And still not lifting heavy enough, running fast enough, having good enough form, doing enough reps-- Not making friends at the gym. Hating navigating the social space at the gym. Sometimes having literal PTSD flashbacks in my body and being unable to explain, "I can't do that because my body feels like I'm being sexually assaulted when I move in that way." Because trauma is irrational and hard to articulate.

I really don't want to blame anyone, cause I don't think anyone is to blame and I think the adults in my life genuinely wanted me to be healthy-- but when I think back on the physical activities I did as a kid, and PE classes-- how they were all so miserable. I wish I had been, instead, taught to just find movement that brings me joy. Yes, some physical activity is arguably better exercise than others. But any movement at all is better than the hours I spend on my couch. It's hard to try to motivate myself to find physical activity I enjoy when, for so long, it's been stepped in misery both physically, emotionally and socially.

If I had been encouraged to literally just have fun, and not be perfect, I think it would be a totally different story.

It's hilarious how in the need to police my body (and all many fat bodies), those people who were so offended by my few extra pounds as a teen, have actually made me fatter. Caring so hard for my health that I am spending hundreds of dollars a month on multiple professionals to help me untangle the web of lies I was raised in.

Thinking about humans as creatures who are just seeking happy brain chemicals has been one of the single most important realizations of my adult life. I believe my body wants to move, my brain wants to move. It's just a lot to unlearn.

[aropride]

perspective + heal :)

perspective: what’s something you’ve changed your opinion on since the beginning of this year?

at the beginning of the year i was sooo convinced that i didnt have to drop out of old college and transfer. i remember my therapist at the time suggesting it and i was like No Jess. im not doing that. im so brave and strong and i need to Prove It but like. i literally do not need to do that and transferring is so much better for my mental health than staying there wouldve been & now i get to be in school w 2 of my best friends and im actually excited abt it ^__^

heal: name 5 ways you are going to make next year better.

LEARN TO DRIVE if at all possible

apply for disability benefits & also accommodations w my school instead of trying to Power Thru It and burning myself out

make friends, hopefully :} or at least talk to people

Make Things !! i want to write & paint & work on my jackets & make jewelry & draw & sew. i get an Item out of it and it's fun and it's better than just Being Online All Day

write things down!! i started bullet journaling again and it's so helpful to have everything in one place n now that im on meds it's also much easier for me to remember to do it

[godtears]

You should climb up to the height of your ego, then jump down head first to the level of your IQ

??????? That would mean I'd be flying up?? Are you telling me to grow wings or...????? My ego is like, to the floor and my IQ is well above average as tested by psychologists, so I'd be, again, going upwards.

I'm only answering this because I'm confused by the wording of this, it genuinely sounds more like a compliment and that you're telling me to fly and soar like the beautiful birdie I am :3 ❤️

If you're attempting to tell me to kill myself, I would actually suggest seeking a therapist if possible, instead. And/or getting a fun hobby. Mostly because I think you might have some internal stressors that are causing you to act out inappropriately to strangers you disagree with. Finding help for the stress in your life can actually feel so relieving! I know it's not always possible for everyone, especially if you live in the USA. But if you're able to, I think you would benefit from it, sincerely. It sounds like you might be going through some stuff.

If you want me to recommend some hobbies, here's a few that I like to do that you might enjoy! Things like customizing and cleaning up old Furbies, drawing, making shrinky dink Keychains, playing Dungeons & Dragons with friends, bird watching, going for walks, singing, baking, crafts like fursuit making, doll collecting, 3D avatar modeling and customization, fanfic writing, video games, etc.

If you want video game recommendations, I cannot express enough how much Cult of the Lamb is the best! I also would maybe try out games like Fallout (any really), Labyrinthine, Phasmophobia, Valheim, Slay the Princess, Crown of Leaves, Omori, Sketchy's Contract, Alice: Madness Returns, House Flipper, Indigo Park, Little Kitty / Big City, Passpartout 2: The Lost Artist, Little Nightmares, Borderlands (any really), The Murder of Sonic The Hedgehog, Sons of the Forest (or the original The Forest, or both), World of Horror, Content Warning, FOREWARNED, Lethal Company, Víscera Cleanup Detail, First Class Trouble, Hades, Half-Life, Outer Wilds, Resident Evil (any really), Stardew Valley, Animal Crossing, The Binding of Isaac, Death's Door, Changed, Hide and Shriek (if you have a friend to play with), In Sound Mind, Inscryption, Stray, We Happy Few, Don't Starve, Slime Rancher, Baldur's Gate 3, Dead By Daylight, Escape the Backrooms, On Dark Terms, We Need To Go Deeper, Rain World, What Remains of Edith Finch, Night in the Woods, and uhh Killer Frequency.

Let me know if you check out any of those games and like them, I love to hear about people's experiences! I hope you have a better day, or night depending on what timezone you are in ❤️