eternal-ceremony-blog

[rajamitsu]

Quick Dr. Oddfellow doodle, just to get it out of my system.

[finethingswellworn]

Feeling really frustrated tonight.

The price gouging for accessible technology is fucking insane.

I am blind. I am a student. I use a braille tablet to do most of my classwork. And the braille tablets cost about as much and more perhaps than a used car. these devices were not meant to be bought by individuals, They were meant to be bought by governments, schools, and other institutions like that. But because of budget slashing and decreased funding, programs are less likely to purchase these tools for people like me, leaving the burden on the individual to buy it or, more than likely, to not buy it. so, many people are forced to go without necessary equipment.

Now, my very expensive device that I’ve had for years is in the shop. It’s going to cost me half of my monthly income just to fix it. And I have to go weeks without it because I have to send it to a special repair shop because there’s literally no one in the country who can repair these damn things. And I am still expected to turn in all of my assignments on time, interact with the world the way everyone else does, and, above all, not fucking complain. Because that’s unpleasant. People don’t like it when the blind girl complains about inaccessible shit. People don’t like to see people like me angry. It makes them uncomfortable.

Well, I’m complaining. This sucks and there’s nothing I can do about it.

[burninglights]

seeing some of you getting snotty about people not having first aid kits & first aid training without advising people on what they should have/what they should know is doing my nut in. without further ado:

First Aid Kits (what should be in yours)

If you’re going to uni/moving out of home, you really ought to have a first aid kit. Small first aid kits are fairly inexpensive and come with basic first aid supplies.

Included in my first aid kit is:

1 card of paracetamol tablets

1 card of ibuprofen tablets

A length of gauze bandage

1 tube of topical antiseptic (I use Savlon or Germolene)

1 tube arnica/bruise cream

30x plasters, assorted sizes

5x long strip plasters

10x antiseptic wipes

3x individually sealed small sterile gauze pads (7cm x 7.5cm)

4 sterile small adhesive dressings (7cm x 5.3cm)

it’s a good idea to also have an emergency card in your first aid kit, with the contact details for your next of kin and any health conditions written on it. They usually come as part of first aid kits anyway, and have a little clear plastic pocket to keep them in.

Also, remember to replenish whatever you use from your kit, and to keep an eye on expiration dates of medications/ointments.

Medication management

If you’re on medication long term (antipsychotics, antidepressants, statins, anticonvulsants, immunosuppressants, insulin etc.) you should have a two week overlap period; where possible, you should order a refill of your medication two weeks before your current supply runs out, so that if there are supply issues, you’re not going to be left hanging.

I’m aware this might not be possible for Americans owing to insurance and reassessment (I’m UK based, and just have to refill by filling out a form available in my GP’s office) and for those on controlled medications (opiates, methadone treatment for addiction, ADHD meds etc).

If you have medication that only requires use in emergent circumstances (ie. an EpiPen or an asthma inhaler), keep track of the expiration dates, and order a refill of your medication ahead of time. Better to have an extra inhaler knocking about for a couple of weeks than to really need one and not have it.

First Aid for Dummies & How to Get First Aid Training

Aif you’re ‘fresh out the womb’ new to first aid, or live somewhere where medical care is inaccessible, I highly recommend Where There Is No Doctor by David Werner and Carol Thuman, which gives step by step guides from scratches, scrapes and rashes up to emergent wound care. It’s not an exaggeration to say that that book kept me and my siblings alive for the first few years of our existencewhen we lived on the edge of the Kalahari 120 miles from the nearest hospital.

few bits and pieces of first aid I’ve picked up, both from training and being the world’s clumsiest son of a bitch:

Z-wrapping for wrists and ankles, especially if you’re prone to sprains. I don’t know how to explain this in a coherent way, so I’ve linked a video of how to do it.

For deep cuts or wounds that bleed a lot, you need to apply pressure and elevate the injury above the heart. It takes a nearly comically small amount of blood loss to become life threatening (blood loss equivalent to half a coke can is considered life threatening in adults) - if the blood is bright red, spurting/gushing, and the blood loss is uncontrolled, or if you have a clotting condition like haemophilia, you need to get to an urgent care centre yesterday. Call 999/911, maintain hard pressure over the wound, and keep the person calm and talking.

If someone has been stabbed an the knife is still in situ, for the love of God do not pull out the knife, or let them pull out the knife. It’s impossible to know what’s been hit without imaging, the knife acts as a seal in the wound; haemorrhage or massive internal injury are not situations you want to be dealing with outside of an acute trauma care setting. Call 999/911 immediately, and keep the injured person calm.

Learn how to recognise the signs of overdose. I went to a Midlands uni that had a reputation as a party uni, and hearing through the grapevine about ODs on nights out wasn’t uncommon. Narcan/Naloxone is a controlled substance in the UK so can’t be bought OTC, but I know it’s available to buy OTC in some parts of America and Canada. If you can, please consider carrying naloxone. If you witness an OD, call 999/911 immediately, and try to keep the person alert. If you have it, administer Narcan.

Don’t fuck with sepsis or meningitis. These diseases move fast, and can turn you into a past participle in as little as 12 hours. Get your MenACWY vaccine, know the symptoms, and call 999/911 immediately if you have the symptoms, especially if there’s been an outbreak in your area or you’ve had close contact with someone who is infected.

If you get bitten by a wild animal, (fox, bat, dog, raccoon…whatever) flushing the wound with water and then getting to A&E needs to become your number one priority. Tetanus, rabies and capnocytophaga infection are no joke: you need boosters/antibodies and antibiotics as a matter of urgency.

Finally, don’t be a hero. You are not John Wick. If someone is injured in an actively dangerous location or situation, the only thing you ought to do is call 999.

You really and truly don’t need to be able to pull a Hawkeye Pierce; the whole point of first aid is that it’s the first line of aid, and gets you to A&E or Minor Injuries so that you can receive professional medical attention.

That said, having a first aid training is incredibly valuable, both because you never know when some fuck shit is about to happen, and because by law most workplaces are supposed to have at least one first aider on staff, so it gives your CV an edge.

In the UK, the St. John Ambulance Trust offers workplace first aid certification, annual refreshers, sports first aid training, AED use & CPR certification and mental health first aid training.

You can also get personal first aid training for adults, children and babies with the British Red Cross for the cost of £37.50, as well as certified workplace first aid certification from £165.

The British Heart Foundation offer CPR training for free via their RevivR program; it takes 15 minutes, and can be used for workplace certification.

[fanfic-recs-01]

Reddie Fics

This is just a list of all the Richie Tozier/Eddie Kaspbrak fics I like on AO3, if you have any recs for me feel free to send me some!

Updated 9/19/23

Runaway Now and Forevermore by AlexSW97

~Richie and Eddie run away together in 1994 and return to Derry in 2016 as actual bickering husbands.~

richie tozier: not an asthmatic by walmartofficial

~“I’m getting word that I’m not allowed to tell this joke,” he tells the audience, “but it was gonna be about eating ass, if that wasn’t clear.”~

move in, mess my place by bebe8s

~Stan motions to the two new guys in the room. Eddie doesn't even have time to focus on Bill, because he's too distracted by the lanky boy sprawled out across his bed. With his dark curls and pale skin, it's undeniable. It's the guy from last night.

"Well, hello there, princess." Richie says with a smirk, and Eddie can feel the flush in his cheeks.~

walk me home in the dead of night by QueenWithABeeThrone

~Richie Tozier met Eddie Kaspbrak for what they both thought was the first time in a shitty New York dive bar, sixteen years ago.~

fruit from a forbidden tree by glorious_spoon

~a week before he's supposed to get married, Eddie hooks up with a stranger in a bar, and it changes the trajectory of his life.~

we belong to the sound of the words by ShowMeAHero

~Eddie’s got a messenger bag across his shoulders and, when they’re brought out to Richie’s autograph table, he’s glad he brought it. It’s full of tissues, hand sanitizer, granola bars, mini water bottles, zinc tablets, lozenges, and anything else he could think to grab. The con floor is fucking packed, and Richie’s got a whole goddamned line of fans waiting for him that scream and cheer when he comes out.~

Put Those Colors On by TheMightyChipmunk

~Set in a universe where you don't see color until you hear your soulmate laugh, Eddie really doesn't think Richie is funny. I wonder how that's going to work out for them.~

cherry cordial by ShowMeAHero

~He’s staring down hard at his phone, scrolling aimlessly through Facebook without reading anything, when someone bumps into him. Whoever it is grabs the pole, their hands brushing against each other’s.

Right in his ear, the guy says, “Fucking shit, you’re hot.”~

walk through fire for you by hyruling

~His eyes properly well up now. Richie has only seen Eddie cry a handful of times in his adult life, so he’s fairly concerned. He drops down to sit across from Eddie and takes his hands in his.

“Eddie baby, now you’re scaring me, why are you crying?”

Tears track down Eddie’s cheek, and he all but wails, “Cause you’re engaged!”~

Morphine by inoubliable

~They all crowd around Eddie's bed, their faces shimmering a little. Eddie has to squint to make out their features, and he laughs once he does. They all look so worried. Eddie feels great.

"Oh my God," Stan says, at the same time that Richie says, "He's high."~

Lips Like Fire by yallreddieforthis

~When Richie finally convinces the Losers Club to light up with him he needs to find an... 'alternative way' to get Eddie high without giving him an asthma attack.~

The 'Do Not Fucking Touch Me' Tour by loserchildhotpants

~Richie Tozier's taken up writing his own material for once, and it could absolutely ruin him~

anything for a fan by zach_stone

~It was fine, though. Just a stupid little celebrity crush; a safe, inaccessible outlet for Eddie’s deeply suppressed gay thoughts. He could pine away over Trashmouth Tozier from the comfort of his living room, clicking on video compilations with titles like “Top 10 Trashmouth Interview Moments” and only feel vaguely guilty.

And then, of course, he gets a call from Mike Hanlon in Derry.~

nor rivers drown it by theparadigmshifts

~"We promised to confide in each other, and cherish each other, and sustain each other, and all that jazz.”

Stan stares at her, blinks twice.

"And right now, that means going back to your horror-show hometown, and facing your trauma, and potentially killing a demon. Together."

Or: When Mike calls from Derry, Patty answers the phone instead.~

lost inside a moment (with you) by anniebibananie

~In which Richie is always pretending to be Eddie’s boyfriend, Eddie fucking hates it, and finally Eddie decides two can play that game (it is not a total disaster… depending on your definition of total disaster).~

Everywhere, All At Once by EvieSmallwood

~Eddie bites his lip, tucking his hands deeper inside the pockets of his sweatshirt. It’s actually not even his, it’s Richie’s; a faded band logo, a hole by the collar, the faint smells of cigarette smoke and laundry detergent.... it’s like Richie’s with him, which is all Eddie really wants.

Which could be why he’s walking to Richie’s house at one in the morning.~

Party Foul by sundaise

~Crashing a stranger’s birthday party isn’t usually a part of Eddie’s weekend plans. Neither is unknowingly chatting up the cute dark haired comedian... who happens to be the roommate of said birthday boy.

“So, how do you know Stan?”

Eddie’s blood runs cold with shock as soon as the innocent question leaves his lips. “Oh, uh,” he shrugs nonchalantly, like it’s no big deal, “I’m dating his roommate.”~

Must Love Dogs by TheMightyChipmunk

~When Eddie sees a dog, he's gotta pet it. Even when he is stuck in traffic.~

I Didn't Know There Were Wizards in California by spotlightonmringenue

~Will ignores a timid reply from his classmate, his focus fully on this strange interloper that could be his best friend’s twin.

Evil twin, as Dustin would say, his voice low and incriminating. Ultraman type shit. Will considers relaying the situation on their upcoming weekly call to make the current situation less unsettling.~

Playing for Keeps by LogicalBookThief

~Richie and Eddie go on a game show for couples. Nobody expects them to be such a dream team. And nobody suffers as much as the host.~

[ix-c-999]

.

my system are letting me do benzodiazepines recreationally!!!! :D :D :D

we're prescribed them and got dependent on them in 2015 partly due to irresponsible prescription, partly due to us abusing them and becoming a polysubstance addict, but now we're at a point where we don't feel the need to abuse a ton of substances (just one) so anything but weed we can do in moderation.

and since our current psychiatrist tells us to take one every night to stay out of withdrawal (that's the actual reason) and also one as needed for anxiety (which isn't every day, nor most days), we're taking it literally every day and our doctor thinks that's the right thing to do.

so since we're taking it every day already and since we can make rules about its use similar to how we have rules about alcohol use to keep us from drinking too much, and since we've never had trouble following the alcohol rules, the rest of the system sees no reason why i (and the rest of us) shouldn't be allowed a recreational .5mg tablet up to once per day, up to three days per week!

i might be allowed to take more than .5mg per day of use, but we're going to start with one dose of that size per day. and i'm obviously not going to consume it with alcohol (but can do so with weed).

a large part of it is that i have the extremely strong drive to Do Drugs and particularly ones other than weed or alcohol, but Other Drugs are either inaccessible to us and/or ones we've sworn off doing and that would frankly make everyone really worried if we did them again.

benzos, however, are different, because we're taking them every day already and they don't really have any (conclusive proven) negative effects that we haven't already suffered, and it's clear we can handle at least some addictive substances if we set rules about their use, so in our case there's really nothing to lose in taking .5mg clonazepam during the day up to three days a week if we're taking it every day at night anyway not to sleep but to not be in withdrawal.

i'm going to watch out to make sure this doesn't become a problem, but!! i'm allowed to do more drugs now!!!!

[purpleyin]

I’ve given up trying to be productive this week and am just trying to rest lots because I’m mentally and physically not with it really. With the exception of about 4 days at Christmas, I haven’t had a break from work longer than 2 days since about 2019. There was a month off when I was ill with the flu last Oct but being ill isn’t a holiday so I’m not counting that. So I’m probably due some taking things easier for a while and my finances can take a bit of a downturn. The house is still in a state but I can cope with that, just doing something each day to make it a little less ugh.

I binged the whole first season of Prodigal Son at the weekend and loved it. Shame it got cancelled, I hope it gets picked up by another network/streaming site. I’m looking forward to S2 which is hopefully coming to NowTV for UK audiences in June. Michael Sheen is great in it but Tom Payne as Malcolm is excellent. Malcolm could easily have been just another Sherlock type but he feels different thanks to the energy he brings to the character - despite difficult topics and gallows humour, he does have a certain brightness to him like his chosen surname. I really like the variety of characters too and I’m always a sucker for case of the week. It is a very intense show though, needs some trigger warnings for sure.

I also discovered I have Stardew Valley on my tablet this week and started a new game as Gaila on farm Aos :D. I tried a Google Play Games Pass free month earlier in the year and downloaded it along with some other games. I assumed once that trial was up the game would be inaccessible but looks like it’s still perfectly playable so that’s free Stardew Valley, though I would have happily paid for it. I felt weird at first starting a new playthrough when I’m at 130 hours on my desktop one, but it is much more relaxing to play resting in bed. I miss some mods but the base game is so good there’s still so much to do and it’s something with goals that’s also non-urgent and kind of comforting.

[dumbwaystodeviate]

Oh, I got one! You know how Connor have puppy eyes? Maybe in a reverse au, Hank deviates because he's faced with his human disaster's secret weapon, aka puppy eyes!

Hank had long since been aware that that dealing with humans, especially in the DPD, would come with many challenges and frustrations. Some were easier to handle, mostly being verbal but with no deviancy to speak of it was pointless, and some were three raccoons in a trench coat. Like that GV that was more than feral.

It goes without saying that after all of that the android had hoped that his partner wouldn’t be a problem, he was a lieutenant after all. And yet here he was, every other day having to drag Lt. Stern home to make him go to bed or go eat instead of work all the time. He had heard the phrase ‘like herding cats’ and he think this was the closest he’s gotten. He knows for a fact the Captain had tried sending him home many times, and he was baffled as to how it didn’t work.

This week seemed to be one of the worse ones, prompting Hank to just bring the man a healthy lunch instead of dragging him out of his seat. Honestly he thought it better anyway. When did he become a sitter?

“Lieutenant, you should eat. It won’t do you any good if you don’t.” His voice was followed by the thump of a plastic container on the human’s desk, having had the foresight to make make something in advanced.

For the moment, Connor ignored him, typing away at his terminal like the world didn’t exist and it wasn’t coming back until he finished. But his quite focus was broken by the sight of plastic fingers on his monitor.

“If you do not eat, I will be forced to disable this until you do.” Hank was not putting up with Connor’s shit. 

It earned him a glare, Connor possibly thinking he can intimidate Hank off to let him work as he tried to push the container back to the HK. “I can eat later, I got another five files to get through.”

He didn’t get it moved far before the androids bear paw of a hand stopped him, pushing it back in front of him. “Eat. Work is going nowhere. However it will be if inaccessible you don’t.”

The Lieutenant seemed to realise he wasn’t going to win this, sighing as he scooted back his seat and took the box to eat. Not before throwing another glare at Hank for it though. Whatever, the HK knew damn well he was helping.

.

The week of over working was coming to a head when, during a drive back to Connor’s home, the idiot human nearly fell asleep at the wheel. Hank might not have been so worried if the twink didn’t have a love of a old manual car, which made the whole thing a pump stopper. Thankfully they made it in one piece and the HK manages to get the man inside.

Then Connor went to try and work. Again. He didn’t manage to get very far before Hank all but snatched the tablet and laptop up, putting them up as high as he could. Which the human cursed loudly about because it was NOT fair that Hank was that tall and could do that.

“No more work. You need food and rest.” He could see Connor about to protest, cutting him off with a hard glare. “If you try I will be forced to disable them.”

“I know how to reboot a-”

“And I will have Collin help me do it.” The Android knew damn well what was on his human’s laptop, his brother getting it would be a disaster and the thought of that alone was enough to shut him up.

Hank didn’t care for being so hard on the man but it was a necessary evil.

He knew he had won when Connor sighed, flopping down on the couch. “Can I at least have my fire noodles for dinner?” 

“Lieutenant, you need something substantial. You can’t live off of instant noodles.” It wasn’t the first time he had this argument, Connor really did have a habit of eating poorly.

Unlike all other times, however, Connor didn’t glare at him. In fact he seemed thoughtful. It was odd, Hank had expected more of a fight from him about his favorite food but he got nothing. Perhaps he was getting it through his thick head.

And then he crawled up on the couch, perching over the chair arm as he leaned up as far as he could go. Close enough that Hank could see the glow of his yellow led reflect off them big brown deer eyes he was caught in. “Please, Hank? It’s my favorite and it makes me very happy and warm.”

Good god the man was the of begging puppy. Eyes he almost only ever saw glaring as wide as can be, the little pout just barely sticking out. The HK heard from Niles that Connor had a ‘wicked puppy face’ but this was a bit much. He almost felt bad, no scratch that he did feel bad. He looked so sad at the thought of not being able to have the spicy food, and the android couldn’t bring himself to look away. 

Logically, as dictated by his coding to keep the man healthy for work, he knew he should tell the human to shove it and make something good to eat. On the other hand as he looked through a haze of red he just couldn’t bring himself to make the human upset, not like this. 

Resolve breaking like the fickle coding he figured what could it hurt? Connor had been working so hard all week and deserved something nice. Shoulders slumping, his led spun back to blue. “Fine, but just for tonight. But you have to actually eat proper in the morning, got it?”

Maybe it would be ok this time, and the big brown eyes of the happy puppy of a human were worth it.

[openmay7]

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[thejanewestin]

Mariposa: a pacrim/westworld fic

***

“Dr. Gottlieb.”

Hermann looks up from his computer. Visitors are infrequent these days; he works almost entirely with park algorithms, now, so the changes he effects are rarely acute enough to require drop-ins from management.

“Ah.” He stands, smoothing his rumpled shirtfront with both hands. “Mr. Pentecost. What can I do for you?”

Hermann has never been particularly good at reading people’s expressions—it was part of the reason he had enjoyed his work in Behavior so much, because he could parse a particular emotional response down to a single line of code—but he can tell at once that Pentecost is worried.

Pentecost looks at Hermann’s screens, at the three-dimensional birds’ eye rendering of the park.

“You can manipulate the park from here?” Pentecost says.

Hermann glances at the hologram, a miniaturized version of the Cradle. He pushes his glasses up. “Not directly,” Hermann says. “I run simulations. I can implement gradual changes. Terrain, climate, the like. Wildlife.”

Pentecost rubs his chin. “What about hosts?”

“No.” Hermann had been more than happy to surrender his numerous Jaeger pilot builds to the bright-eyed programmers who replaced him in Behavior. He works alone now, and he likes it that way. He points to the leftmost screen. “I collect long-term data. Aggregate, not individualized. Number of interactions per sector, number of deaths, et cetera.” He frowns at Pentecost. “Why?”

“You did a lot of good work in Behavior,” Pentecost says. He’s watching Hermann with narrowed eyes.

Hermann turns back toward his computer and closes the hologram with a wave of his hand. “I don’t do compulsory programming any longer,” he says. He divulged the reason for his departure from Behavior to exactly one person, and he still regrets that decision, even two years later.

“Even so,” Pentecost says, “I think you could help with a problem we’re having with the hosts.”

“I very much doubt it,” Hermann says uncomfortably. “I haven’t so much as accessed a host profile in more than two years. Any knowledge I had is certainly obsolete by now.”

Pentecost claps a hand on his shoulder. “I have full faith in you, Dr. Gottlieb,” he says heartily. “Finish what you’re working on and come up to level five, my office. You remember where it is.”

Hermann gulps.

“Yes, sir,” he says.

Hermann hasn’t been above level nine, where he lives, for almost a week. He does try to get to the surface on his days off, for vitamin D more than anything else, but there’s a new narrative debuting each quarter this year and he has more than enough reasons to stay belowground. He’s been to the executive offices only once: when Pentecost hired him as a Behavior tech.

He hurriedly finishes the running the analysis on Sector 12’s most recent data set and sends the report to the head of Diagnostics, then logs out. He takes a deep breath.

It’s nothing, he tells himself. Some kernel of old code they need to flush, some host that hasn’t been back to Livestock in four or five updates. Nothing to do with the kaiju lab.

Nothing to do with Newton Geiszler.

The very thought of it makes Hermann’s face heat up, and he clutches his jacket a little tighter around himself as he rides the thirteen floors up to level five. Elsie had sworn that she wouldn’t breathe a word of his disclosure. He fervently hopes she’s kept her promise.

Pentecost’s office is at the end of a long hallway, a perimeter suite that in an aboveground structure would have afforded him a window with a very nice view. In the subterranean hub, he just gets a private bathroom.

He knocks on Pentecost’s door.

“Enter,” Pentecost booms. Hermann pushes the door open and his heart nearly stops.

“Hi, Hermann,” Elsie says, giving him a little wave.

Hermann feels the blood drain out of his face. “Miss Hughes,” he says.

Elsie turns back to Pentecost. “We found it in the last update. Only about ten percent have come back to Livestock, but they all have it.”

“Miss Hughes,” Pentecost says, “perhaps you will save me the embarrassment of attempting to rehash what you’ve told me, and get Dr. Gottlieb up to speed.”

“Right.” Elsie unfolds the host tablet she’s holding and hands it to Hermann.

Hermann looks down. It’s a pretty brunette woman. She seems familiar, but there are so many hosts and it’s been a long time.

“Here,” Elsie says, reaching over. She scrolls, scrolls, highlights.

Hermann moves the tablet closer to his face and squints at the lines of code. He looks up at her. “This is in all the hosts?” he asks.

“The ones that got the most recent update,” Elsie says.

He scrolls some more. “And what does it look like in vivo?”

“I can show you,” Elsie says, “but it’s aberrant—movements linked to memories that should have been wiped.”

“You mean the pilots,” Hermann says.

Elsie shakes her head. “Nope. All of them.”

Hermann blinks at her. “That’s not possible. The NP memories are purged after every narrative loop.”

“It shouldn’t be,” Elsie says, “but it turns out the memories are there, just inaccessible. It’s like...like a subconscious.”

“Who put this in?” Hermann keeps scrolling.

“We don’t know,” Pentecost says. “Updates and alterations to code should be tied to a specific user. These are just...blank.”

Hermann closes the tablet and hands it back to Elsie.

“I want to see,” he says.

***

Hermann has been to Behavior a handful of times since transferring to Diagnostics, for meetings and whatnot, but he hasn’t spent any time with a host. Certainly not with a tablet open on his knees. Her name is Clementine.

He watches the code scroll by as she moves and he misses it. “Damn.”

“Watch,” Elsie says. “She’ll do it again.”

Green eyes blank, Clementine moves her fingers across her jaw, and Hermann almost misses it a second time: her pinky, stretching just a little to stroke her lower lip.

“What on earth,” he says, looking down at the tablet.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought, too,” Elsie says.

There’s a beep behind them. Hermann looks up. The glass door opens, and a pale, skinny man with sweater vest and a surly expression walks in.

“Lee,” Elsie says, her voice turning cool.

“Hughes,” the man says curtly. He looks at Hermann. “Who’s this?”

“Dr. Hermann Gottlieb,” Pentecost says. “He was one of the top programmers in Behavior until they lost him to Diagnostics. This is Lee Sizemore, head of Narrative and Design.”

Sizemore looks Hermann up and down. Hermann can almost see Sizemore dismissing him. He’s used to it, by now.

“Where are we, then?” Sizemore says. He has a British accent, cultured. He pushes up his sleeves.

“It looks like the aberrant code is embedded in the update,” Elsie says to him. She nods at Hermann. “We were just reviewing what it looks like in an NP host.”

“Can we roll it back?” Pentecost taps the tablet. “Just...undo whatever changes were made?”

“It’s not that simple,” Elsie says. “Each NP host iteration builds on the prior personality. Adds depth. Their emotional responses are more genuine. Rolling back an update risks wiping the personality they’ve already built.”

“So program new ones,” Pentecost says.

“We do,” Elsie says, “but it takes money and man-hours to develop.”

Lee smirks. “One point four million to build each non-pilot host personality, inclusive. Pilots are more. Not to mention the storylines, and the considerable expense to animate each kaiju.”

Hermann’s mouth twitches. He didn’t know that.

“Okay, the pilots.” Elsie continues as though Sizemore hadn’t interjected. She tucks her hair behind her ears. “The difference is that their past loops are the basis for their actions, not just their personalities and emotional responses.”

Pentecost nods. “Because they have to do more than interact with hosts.”

“Right,” Elsie says. “We can program them to have courage, but their decision-making in combat is almost completely based on their prior kaiju encounters.” She hesitates. “And then there’s the guest-host drift interface.”

Pentecost frowns. “Explain.”

“That was Hermann’s specialty,” Elsie says. She raises her eyebrows at him.

Hermann clears his throat. “Ah. Yes. Well. It’s been a while, as you know, but—” He rolls his chair over to the computer in the corner of the glass testing room. “Jaeger pilots have a core code dyad: emotional response-slash-drift, and combat actuation. Both of them require perpetuation for the host to be fully functional.” He pulls up a pilot profile: Herc Hansen, one of the first pilot hosts Hermann had coded.

“Meaning?” Pentecost says.

“Meaning it takes at least two hundred iterations of the same loop to hone a pilot’s combat response system enough that he or she can operate a Jaeger without ripping it apart or frying its drift circuits. It’s why we run them with the simulators.” Hermann points to the screen. “See? The same loop, and the memories are wiped, but the host self-modifies its combat behavior each time.”

“It learns without remembering,” Pentecost says slowly. “And the drift?”

“Each simulator run builds new drift capabilities,” Hermann says. “The more neural pathways are created, the closer to a human brain the pilot host becomes. After so many runs, Miss Hughes and her team determine if the host is ready to interface with a human in a drift.”

“And that’s what this new update has done with the NPs?”

“Right,” Elsie says. She holds Clementine’s tablet up next to the computer screen. “Regular hosts shouldn’t have this level of autonomy. If this perpetuates—” A look of sudden realization crosses her face. “It won’t be just the pilots who will be able to drift with the guests.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Miss Hughes,” Hermann says sharply. “The drift interface is a specific type of programming—”

“We don’t know where this rogue code came from,” Pentecost interrupts. “At this point, we can’t assume that anything is impossible.”

“Hang on,” Sizemore says. “You said that this—this mystery code turns the NP code into pilot code, yeah? So it wouldn’t have done anything to the pilots.”

“Wrong again, Lee,” Elsie says. She puts Clementine’s tablet down and scrolls through Hansen’s code. “Look at this. Double the number of drift synapses from the last update. More than his brain should be able to handle. It’s a miracle he hasn’t had a seizure.”

“Okay,” Sizemore says, “so how many were affected?”

Elsie looks at him. “Ten percent of the population,” she says.

“We freeze all updates,” Pentecost says. He’s frowning. “We pull the affected hosts until we can run a full set of diagnostics.”

“All of them?” Sizemore sputters. “Are you fucking kidding me? That’s two hundred hosts.” He pushes in front of Hermann and clicks through screen after screen. “And—and two-thirds of the pilots? How is this correct?”

Elsie glares at him. “Pilots end up in Livestock three times as often as non-pilots,” she says tightly.

“That’s at least a dozen storylines affected,” Sizemore says, jabbing a finger at the screen.

“And fourteen hundred guests in the park whom I have no intention of jeopardizing.” Pentecost’s voice is low and full of warning.

“What do you propose we do?” Sizemore throws his hands in the air. “Shut down? Give out gift cards?”

“Will you cut the drama, Jesus,” Elsie snaps. “Hermann. My team can run some parallel diagnostics. You programmed the pilots, can you help me?”

Hermann swallows hard. “Yes.”

She looks at Pentecost. “We pull a sample. Ten pilots, ten NPs. We can have an analysis done by tomorrow morning.”

Pentecost’s frown deepens. “Fine. Run the diagnostics. But if there’s even an unscripted sneeze we’re shutting down.”

Sizemore thrusts a finger in Pentecost’s direction. “Ford’s going to hear about this,” he says.

Pentecost smirks. “I’m counting on it,” he says.

Here’s chapter 2:

Mariposa, chapter 2

Chapter 3:

[xykesmic-blog]

The first leg of my journey will be in Michigan. I'll use the time in the relatively metropolitan southern part of the state with its abundant stores and internet connectivity to get settled into my car and finish the various preparations for living in it.

Settling into the car is kind of like moving into a new small apartment. Initially you just get the stuff in there without being able to do much with it and then later you need to figure out how to make everything work in a really tight space. Consequently one of the bigger tasks on my plate was to figure out how to repack the car. When I initially shoved off there was no organization or optimization. This left me with less sleeping room at night and often not able to find things that I knew I brought a long because they were in a relatively inaccessible place.

Beyond that there are still a lot of other things needing to be done before I am fully setup. Some of the things on my todo list are:

Setup VPN service for my phone, tablet, and laptop so I don't have to worry about using public wifi

Setup software to log my travel journal

Make mosquito netting for my car windows so I can leave them open on hot nights

Finish the work on the cooler

Install a cell phone booster in the car so I can get service or wifi in places where I'd normally be out of range.

Figure out how to connect my various equipment into the car and battery pack

Test my kitchen equipment, notably the wood burning rocket stove I am hoping will be my main way to cook

Build the porch and shower

I wish I'd had the chance to finish and test everything before I left but there were just too many things to do for me to get to them all and I didn't want to delay leaving. Leaving aside the stuff involved in wrapping up at the longest job in my career and preparing to leave my house for several months, the amount of time I spent ideating on aspects of the trip, designing solutions, shopping for the things I needed, and fabricating the actual stuff was far larger than I ever would have predicted would be needed. The last couple weeks before leaving were really intense.

From a travel standpoint my focus for the first week or two will be on covering a lot of ground while getting the car fully set up when I need downtime from driving. As much as I'd like to take my time I feel pressure to move fast because I'd really like to do some of the parks in the Canadian Rockies and if I wait too long severe cold and snow will eliminate those as options. The plan is to rapidly cross Pennsylvania, Ohio, and southern Michigan, spend a little time in northern Michigan and then push hard up to Banff National Park by way of Minneapolis. If I'm fortunate the weather will hold off long enough for me to see some of Banff & Jasper then I'll work my way down the Rockies to Glacier National Park, Grand Tetons National Park and Yellowstone before heading over to the Pacific Northwest

All that said, I don't plan to miss exploring Michigan in my haste. While I travel I do plan to opportunistically visit towns, parks, and other points of interest as I go. I am particularly interested in experiencing local cuisine and in visiting the wide array of breweries and cideries there looking for unusual things to try.

Up to now I've been posting about the preparations for the journey, but from here forward the posts will be from the road. On this day I launched the trip from western Pennsylvania in the early evening and made a sprint over to the Ohio border before looking for a place to park for the night.

Powered by Journey Diary.

[adboyz8984]

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[polyputthekettleon]

Month 1 on HRT Round Up Post

It's been one month since D started HRT! There have been some really cool things happening, along with the occasional big and little bumps (lots more on those in other posts). Based on what I've read, her body has responded VERY quickly in comparison to many other people's experiences. For what it's worth, she's in her mid-thirties and had a pre-HRT testosterone level of around 300, and has only been taking estradiol, not an anti-androgen. Additionally, in case it helps clarify things, she and I are polyamorous, I am very sexually and physically expressive with my partners and having a lot of sex and touch in my life is important to me, and I'm about a 2.5 on the Kinsey scale (I can feel sexual attraction to people across the gender spectrum, though I lean a bit more androphilic than gynephilic). Also, my emotional experience of this past month was incredibly heightened, thanks to my anxiety running out of control (so much so that I'm now taking pills for it, phew!), and the stuff that felt like HUUUGE problems for me may be far less of a huge deal for other people.

Month 1 On Estrogen

Week 1

The night she got her prescription was pure joy. The clinic she went to practices informed consent for hormone therapy, and in my partner's case that resulted in her only having to go to two appointments -- one initial consultation so her provider could order lab work to make sure she was healthy (she made sure to fast the morning prior to her appointment, so she could get her blood work done right away!), and then a few days later, an appointment to make a treatment plan and get her prescription. She declined an anti-androgen to start and made a plan with her provider for her to take 2mg of estradiol daily. We walked out of that appointment with her *bouncing* all the way to the car because she was so excited, picked her prescription from the pharmacy the moment it was available, and she took the pill while we were still in the drug store's parking lot. I have never seen her so happy and at peace than after she took that first pill. Seriously -- in the face of such beautiful, sublime JOY, any lingering anxiety I had been feeling over the changes that these pills might cause and what those changes could mean for my relationship with her dissolved faster than that blue tablet under her tongue (at least for the next few days). She was euphoric, and I rose right with her.

After 3-4 days, she would feel warm and tingly and extra cuddly starting about half an hour after she took her pill every morning, and her nipples were feeling more sensitive. She also described feeling like she had more emotional energy and generally just feeling very happy, and characterized it as her brain going "NOM NOM NOM NOM ESTROGEN," as it finally received the hormone that had been missing. It was so exciting and fulfilling for me to get to witness her joy, and we shared some *really* enjoyable touch and sex during this phase. In one I will say, in one encounter, she described her skin as feeling "on fire," and pretty much everywhere I touched or kissed made her gasp and moan. It did not suck, AT ALL. Something else that had started to shift prior to HRT became really significant and noticeable to me at this point (I'm including it because aspects of it may have been impacted by her hormones changing): she became less interested in penis-in-vagina penetrative sex (she uses different terms for her genitals, but I'm using penis here for clarity), and started preferring to orgasm under her own stimulation, or just skip the orgasm entirely (there were lots of "mini orgasms," though, and those were super fun). As someone who gains a lot of pleasure and satisfaction from being an active participant in my partners' orgasms, and who has felt a LOT of anxiety over how HRT was going to impact my sexual connection with my partner, this change was hard for me to sit with, and I struggled to feel sexually connected with her as this became more commonplace over the course of the week (pre-HRT and during this first week, we tended to have sex at least every other day, sometimes a couple of times a day). Additionally, in the back of my mind, I was worried about what things would look like if/when she lost her sex drive, whether it would come back, and how I would feel if penis-in-vagina sex entirely stopped being an option for her and me. It had always been something she and I enjoyed immensely with each other, and I felt SCARED that without that particular flavor of interaction, our connection would suffer. This was quite different from what I observed in her response to the possibility of no longer getting erections -- she stated that while she would prefer to still be able to become and stay erect, she was "along for the ride" wherever the hormones would take her.

Within 7 days, her energy really started to dip, and I noticed that she was no longer waking up with erections the way she had prior to taking HRT. She started splitting her pills in half so she got some estrogen in the morning and some in the middle of the day, which helped with her energy levels somewhat, but she still slumped HARD whenever the estradiol had been fully processed by her body, and she looked and acted absolutely exhausted and out of fuel at night.

Week 2

By 10 days, her sex drive was nil and her energy was super low between estradiol doses. This coincided (unsurprisingly) with her not experiencing any erections and also having zero desire to receive touch in a sexual context. The lack of energy and sexual desire also reduced her interest in giving touch, sexual or otherwise. This hit me hard: between her exhaustion and the inaccessibility of one of our favorite ways to connect, I was hurting and missing my person, a lot. I also really struggling to feel desired in my relationship with her, since she literally wasn't feeling desire, even when she very considerately provided occasional sexual stimulation to me (and expressed her enjoyment at seeing me enjoy that stimulation). It was very challenging for me to attempt to receive from a partner who didn't want anything given back when previously in our relationship sex had always been very much about an exchange of pleasure, and the experience brought up a lot of feelings of shame on my end. This week was HARD to get through, and I credit therapy, friends (including folks on here), and my very lovely other partners as the support that helped me get through without directing all my anxiety her way and/or remaining in a near-constant state of crying (though there was a fair amount of that, too). For her sex drive vanish so soon after starting hormones, and for it to feel so completely gone felt VERY disorienting to me, and it kicked off a fresh wave of fear and feeling like I was losing my partner*. I found out later that she was missing our sexual connection too, and honestly, it felt really, really good to hear that I wasn't alone in feeling frustrated about the absence of her sex drive - I wish I had asked her sooner and hadn't tried to bury my feelings. [* For the record, before someone goes off in the comments about it: I know that I have not lost the person who is my partner, and that she is living more as herself than ever before, and that this is a beautiful, happy thing that is happening in her life. I know, and I am ecstatic for her. HOWEVER, grieving the loss of the male persona I thought was my partner for two years is a feeling that I have been working with, and if there's anything that years of going to lots and lots and LOTS of therapy have taught me (heh, I must be in my 30s!), it's that it's important for me to feel and acknowledge ALL of my emotions without judging myself for having them or attempting to censor them, so that I can actually process stuff and not get stuck. Thanks for coming to my TED talk!]

Somewhere between the 2- and 3-week mark, she reached out to her doctor and asked if she could increase her estradiol dose because her energy was so incredibly low and was impacting her work and her ability to show up for her kids. The doctor agreed and increased her prescription to 4mg a day. She tried just taking two whole pills, one in the morning and one in the middle of the day, instead of continuing to split them, but she found that breaking the estradiol up into 4 doses of 1mg apiece and spreading her doses 3-4 hours apart helped her energy and mood feel the most stable (note: there are 1mg estradiol tablets out there, for those who don't want to mess with splitting their pills). The increase in estrogen did indeed improve her energy levels -- it also made her INCREDIBLY emotionally volatile for a few days after increasing her dose. She described the feeling as wanting to cry and kill everyone at the same time. It reminded me of the hormone drop I experienced in the days after I gave birth, and her other partner compared it to her own cis experience of PMS mood swings. Once my partner's body adjusted to the new level of estrogen, the random crying spells stopped, BUT she has expressed that it's now just generally easier for her to cry, and I've observed that she gets teary more often these days than before she started HRT. Another thing she noticed at this point is her muscle strength starting to lessen, which I understand felt bittersweet for her. Since deciding to start HRT, she's been working to reframe muscle loss as not being something that's going to keep her from doing the stuff that she enjoys (woodworking and blacksmithing, in her case), but instead being something that may ask her to learn a different approach to some of her work. That reframe has seemed to be empowering and reduced the feeling of HRT's effects meaning a choice between transitioning in the way that feels best to her and her being able to pursue her passions. One more thing: somewhere around this point, I noticed a shift in her body's smell. She started to smell sweeter on her skin. Just a subtle note, but definitely a change.

Week 3

Around the beginning of Week 3, her sex drive started to make an appearance again, along with occasional erections. She had been taking Cialis prior to starting HRT, but has since stopped, so it isn't clear how much of the change in the behavior of her erections is due to her antidepressant's side-effects no longer being countered by ED medication, and how much is due to lower testosterone levels. That said, her penis is now less likely to become fully erect, and her erections seem more easily impacted by her emotional state than before; if she's feeling really, really good they tend to happen, but a shift in mood can make her penis flaccid very quickly. Her feeling aroused also doesn't always equate to her getting or sustaining an erection anymore, which is more similar to my experience of how cis clitorises tend to behave. I felt a HUGE sense of relief when her sex drive returned, and my perception is that she was quite happy about it as well. That said, while she has a sex drive again, it's different than it was before - her libido seems to be lower (though of course, this could also be for non-hormonal reasons), and instead of having sex 3-6 times a week, we're having sex 1-2 times a week (if a two-week sample size is enough to judge by, and it might be higher if we saw each other every day, but alas, the perils of polyamory 🤷🏻). While she and I have continued to enjoy penetrative sex sometimes, that way of interacting is making up a smaller portion of our sex life than before. I'm enjoying, and she says she is also enjoying, me approaching her body more like how I approach sexual interactions with cis female partners --- lots more touch and kisses and nibbles all over her body, making sure to emphasize her breasts and nipples with both my hands and mouth, and lots of oral and manual stimulation on her entire pelvic/genital/upper thigh region, anywhere that seems to feel good. Her stomach and neck/back areas started to become more sensitive during this time as well. It's been really exciting to explore and find new spots to touch and play with on her body.

Also by Week 3, it became undeniable: her breasts started to grow!! Just teeny ones, but it became clear that there is more fat there than there was before, and they hang like breasts do when she lays on her side (in their gorgeous teeny tiny way). They also started hurting more; prior to this week her breast tissue been sensitive and a little sore, by this point they felt sore to brush up against or tap on them. Righty started out bigger than Lefty, but Lefty started to hurt too (and spoiler alert: by Week 4 Lefty showed more growth). I've been avoiding putting too much pressure on them, and I'm being extra careful when I handle her breasts and nipples. Another change: one day, I noticed that her skin on her back had become softer to the touch, as well, which was kind of the coolest, most magical thing for me. For whatever reason, I hadn't believed the thing about estrogen making skin softer, but sure as hell, there the proof was right under my fingertips, super soft skin. It was WILD. One more thing that happened this week: her ejaculate tasted sweet. Especially her pre-cum, which was sweet like sugar. Her cum was less tangy than usual, but not really to the point of the candy-sweet that I've heard some people talk about. Still a definite different flavor -- and when she came back into the bedroom after cleaning up post-sex, she said it smelled different as well.

Week 4

This past week (Week 4), she shared that me running my hand over the bottom of her ribs on her stomach was feeling particularly erotic to her, which is something that previously didn't do anything pleasurable for her, and that the physical sensations of touch in her genital area and when she orgasms have changed, becoming more spread out. Orgasms are definitely seeming to be rarer than they were pre-HRT, but she also seems to be feeling more readily sated with sensation without orgasm. I am also adjusting -- honestly, it's so nice to have ANY sex back in our relationship, I am just happy that it's happening when it happens!! She also noted that when she ejaculates, the little globules in her cum that she's used to seeing aren't there. Her breasts have also progressed all the way to SORE now, and she can fill out the cups of a AA bra she bought. I can feel the difference on her chest; there is a distinct dip between her breasts that used to be much smaller, and I love running my hands (LIGHTLY) all over her chest. Finally, at the very end of this week, I realized with absolute delight and surprise (as well as some passing disorientation weirdness, because her face looked different than the face I'm used to seeing) that I could actually see something different about her cheeks. They really are looking fuller and softer, just ever so slightly. And she says it seems like the circles under her eyes have lessened a bit. Maybe it's the increase in nutrient-rich food she eating and the improved sleep she's been getting -- or maybe it's the subcutaneous fat shifting around courtesy of estrogen. Or both! Either way, it felt really cool that when I saw a FaceApp feminized picture of her that she made way back at the beginning of her gender exploration journey last year, I had to do a double-take before I concluded it wasn't just her with a particular make-up look on or something. It's not so much that she looks exactly like that image (though they do have a lot in common); it's more that I see the HER in her face, instead of the HIM I used to see, and judging from HRT's effects so far, I am certain that more and more people will be able to see her too. And I am so very excited to be there for it.

[derynjoyhitegd]

project 2 menos global identity 

the problem: people. the solution: people. 

that sums up project two, for the most part. across the globe are millions of people without an “official” identification that keeps them from meaningly gainful employment, health insurance, or just simple confidence in proving they are who they are, should the need arise. 

in this speculative design problem, our cohort was grouped into teams and each team was given the job to imagine what if?

what if there were one identification system for the entire world? 

what if this system was compatible across devices, across social and cultural lines, across gender and age divides, and what if all our governments got together to make an easily accessible, hack-proof, indisputable identification process for every individual whose heart is beating right now? what would that look like?

we had to consider security (can it be stolen?), ethics (is it appropriate?), comfort (is it invasive?), ease of use (is it convenient?) -- every aspect of an ID but as blue-sky and perfect-world as we could get it, and then design an interface to express this system. 

my team immediately hit on the brain as the ticket to ultimate personality. our brains make us us. and also, brain stuff just seems so futuristic. after a lot of research on memory, memory loss, brain processes of encoding and retrieval, and some really fascinating information on technology that is learning to read your thoughts based on the activity in specific parts of your brain, we created menos. 

menos is an ancient greek word that began as “to think” and developed into other facets: menos means desire, purpose, vigor, power, force. to our team, it became the essence of sentient life -- we think therefore we are. it’s also not english, and though we didn’t have time to develop the thought, we translated menos into many different alphabets to emphasize the reality of thought in humans across the globe and across time. 

our system works like this. one uses the desktop site or the mobile app to create a menos account, inputting major identifiers (name, birthday, address in country of origin/residence, fingerprint) and other issued IDs (driver’s license, medical records, passport, SSN). the account works as a wallet, containing all your identifying documents -- and even some that could make your life easier were they easily accessible (car registration and insurance, frequent flyer accounts). 

after entering your information, you book an appointment to visit a menos location where you choose three mental tasks to perform and those brain processes are recorded. each person on the planet, by being in slightly different places at slightly different times, thinking, interpreting, understanding every situation a little differently, has a unique way of encoding and retrieving information; if we could capture that pattern, we could incontrovertibly identify any person whose brain pattern we could match. 

we encountered difficulties, of course. what about alzheimer’s? what about young children? what about the mentally disabled and their caregivers? what if someone dies and is unidentified? we have better answers for some. memories may be inaccessible, but they seem to be still retrievable; and the way you think is still yours. with menos, you can link accounts -- an entire family can be known to be related. keeping that in mind, someone could sponsor a dependent who needed a secondary verification or acting-on-behalf, giving the dependent their own identity but without requiring full personal responsibility. 

my team members and I worked pretty well together over the course of things. we each brought a very different perspective (...how apt) and a very different skill set, which let us take each idea farther than any of us could have alone. in three weeks, we managed to develop an app story, a desktop story, a tablet registration story, and a post-scan readout -- and so many ideas and thoughts for project depth, beyond just shallow visuals. 

after working through this project for a month, I know it so well that I know it wouldn’t in a million years work (scratch just a little pretty varnish off the surface and it falls apart). what I did learn, though, is that something much like this could work -- a thought I wouldn’t have been able to comprehend before imagining menos. 

my mind may not identify me yet, but it’s opening. working to create an imaginary system this vast was complicated and challenging, but I had to think beyond my usual frame of reference, and that gave me new solutions -- and a new excitement for the future. 

[cinnnabunnn]

Here’s why I’m on/have been on temp semi-hiatus (lms)

My phone’s charger port is broken and won’t hold a charge. So I have to keep it off unless I’m using it for ubers for work (oh yeah I have a job now btw more on that later on when I update regularly).

My laptop???? I have no fucking idea what’s wrong with it. At first it’s disk was at 99%-100% all the time (and I tried like 11 things and NOTHING worked), and now I can’t even get it past the login screen.

Next Saturday, I’m going to get my phone fixed, which could take up to two weeks. So two weeks without my phone. I might try to get my laptop fixed then too. We’ll see if I have the money. I really hope I do.

When I get one of those two things fixed, I’ll make a big update about what’s been going on. The only way I can be on any social media and talk to my loved ones is this fucking tablet, which sucks my taint to use. It’s taken me easily half an hour to write this post (if not longer). So, if we talk and there are lots of typos and/or I take a long time and/or I make no sense, it’s because I’m on this fucking tablet.

I’m not ignoring you all, I promise. I’m just inaccessible and I still love you all. I miss you all. :(

I’m @ing people I mean this to especially:

@alphajade @bat-tech @jasoncorpsedotcom @fai-fate @istamaza @phantomfists @actually-chel

[frogsandfries]

Whoops

I accidentally took a four hour nap when I got in, despite setting an alarm.

I've officially lost my busted tablet stylus, so I broke down and just bought a pack of generic tablet styluses. Styli?? I dunno. They'll be here by Wednesday. I can't really do anything without them. The calibration on my screen is horrible and I have no idea how to fix it, not to mention, if I wasn't trying so hard to get my shit together, I'd just go buy a new one. Not to mention, right now, the majority of what I do on my tablet is just poke colors into cross-stitch patterns and cross off stitches that I've already done.

My sister has a like-new 2015 (?) iPad, screen protector, keyboard, case, that she got as part of a grant and I get that she's strapped for cash, but she's trying to sell it for top dollar when I could desperately use a new tablet. But honestly, her tablet is older than mine, the bezel is ginormous, and Apple is notoriously garbage about forcing people to upgrade. I could possibly find a way to convince my current tablet to perform better for at least a couple more years........?

Shit is frustrating as hell. I feel like every step that's supposed to be a step forward, a better opportunity, it somehow ends up being a worse and worse situation. I mean, admittedly, this job is better than the first one I latched onto, but I don't have my license, I don't have a vehicle. I have absolutely no way to get a second job, which I could desperately use. I was supposed to be largely obligation-free here, which, as unfair as that feels, was an opportunity I need desperately. The whole reason I quit the first job was that I absolutely couldn't budget my time, let alone my money. It's hard to budget eight dollars, fifteen hours a week.

But now that I'm getting paid relatively more, now that I can pretend I can see a light, that's when I've stumbled into the quicksand. I know the options are pay in or move out, which are shitty options because if I wasn't paying in, and I could have that money in this time, I could move out, which is the big overarching goal.

I'm working really hard to use my money better; I'm putting my money to work for me in more than one way--I do have a savings account for "now" money, and I'm investing money that is relatively inaccessible. My investments are broken down into "now" later money and hopefully "life later" money, and I'm really proud that in a month, I've put away about sixty bucks. It's a little intensive, and I should've started, persistently and consistently, when I started working. However, it's important that I have started, instead of making excuses like my dad.

It's okay that I can hardly afford anything extraneous, like string lights or bubble lights that I really, really don't need, let alone to eat out because I don't have time to go grocery shopping and I can't really afford to order my groceries, of all things.

I'm just slightly grumpy because I wanted to do some pattern working and I'm stuck stitching tomorrow. I at least wanted to feel like I had an option.

[hillarykylie]

TW: Suicidal Ideation, BPD relapse, depression

Helpless. Overwhelmed. Empty.

I’m just so exhausted and lifeless. Tell me what the point of living is anymore.

“Please give yourself a chance. Give your loved ones a chance to help you, and maybe in 30-40 years down the road, you’d be glad you didn’t do it.”

Although the statement seemed to fill most of us with hope, it did just the contrary with me.

So then, what if your loved ones are tired of you and have given up on you, and are utterly reluctant to help you?

what if your loved ones viciously ignore the silent cries for help you’ve been exhibiting, the tears you’ve shed and the pain churning inside your chest, the signs that you’re spiralling inevitably out of control, into an abyss of despair and isolation?

Over the last few weeks, my suicidal ideation has been hitting me incredibly hard and I’ve relapsed more than I could’ve ever imagined.

I’m in a dark place, that no one seems to comprehend.

I think back to my last suicide attempt which landed me in hospital in January 2019, a pivotal stage of my life, how I’d nearly reached death, how I was treated with hostility, anger and indifference by people around me, how I got the notion that I was simply too damaged to be loved or cared for.

Fast forward - I’ve miraculously managed to get into University. And I’ve never been so misunderstood and alienated in my life.

Not only has help been a scarce inaccessible resource, I feel neglected, ignored and misunderstood.

Every attempt of me opening up, in a raw and honest fashion, simply lands me into another screaming tirade of self-hatred and self-blame, the look of disappointment of people’s faces, the deleterious remarks hurled at me and false promises of support.

Tell me - is there any hope to life anymore?

When your loved ones have completely annihilated you, and instead of being loved, empathised, listened to and understood, you’re cruelly invalidated and misunderstood, maligned for opening up.

I thought to myself - the childhood has dissolved into a blurry vision of the past, the present will bring you people who love you and will finally understand your plight.

But I was wrong.

Where is help when I need it?

Why the HELL am I being berated and disparaged on for coming forward with how I’ve been feeling, and treated like a piece of shit?

I want to ruthlessly slit my wrist until blood oozes out and I can finally feel my heart stop palpitating and see the guilt plastered on people’s faces, how it eventually eats them up and destroys their lives when something horrific happens to me, for making one feel so misunderstood and condemned that a life has to be taken away, the pain that they’ve inadvertently put me through.

How they wished they hadn’t ignored the signs, and treated me with respect, and not a piece of dog shit who has a flaw or defect in character and how they regret not realising that I’m simply a human being with unmet emotional needs and a chronic mental disorder.

I’m writing this as I’m crying, for the last 2 hours in my bed, tempted to swallow my sleeping tablets and never wake up again.

The world sucks. And I don’t ever want to wake up.